You may think that if I ever got the chance to make this movie, I wouldn’t take it all that seriously, intentionally making a shitty-beyond-belief movie with no regard for tradecraft or continuity, intentionally choosing horrendous actors and looping all their dialogue myself, and basically emulating the exact same style that made the original “Manos” infamous. You’d be expecting some kind of lame, 70-minute session of grab-ass in the desert with my friends dressed up in bedsheets.
Not so.
I might be going for campy fun, sure, but my inspiration for this one is the same kind of gritty, ugly, uncomfortable violence that made sadistic gore horror movies of the 70s like I Spit on Your Grave and Last House on the Left classics. Oh, you might not like those movies, and even I’ll admit that they’re not very good, but they’re definitely memorable, violent, boundary-pushing movies. Those movies are stark, shocking stuff, man. They’ll move you. That’s my inspiration for “Manos” 2: I want to get those chuckling MST3K nostalgia junkies into a theater and give them a good, solid twist of the nuts with a well-made, brutal revenge flick.
Just bear with me.
I had a lot of questions after watching “Manos:” The Hands of Fate, most of them involving The Master (the guy in the black robe), his wives, and of course Torgo, the caretaker of the Valley Lodge. The movie never really gives us an idea of what The Master does to fill his day (except maybe sleep), and yet he’s supposed to be this massively evil mastermind who communes with some Satanic power in order to…what, rule some rat’s armpit town in New Mexico? I don’t know, and I doubt Harold P. Warren did, either. But I hate an incomplete puzzle, and I feel a compulsive need to fill in the blanks.
We don’t really need to get too complicated here: for years, The Master has been subtly collecting wives and brainwashing worshippers, amassing power, and memorizing a series of long, intricate incantations sent to him in dream visions. It’s a long, painstaking process, and he often spends months at a time physically comatose, spiritually wandering the hellish dreamscape that imprisons the hell-god Manos. There, he engages in psychic commune with the dark deity, struggling to comprehend the alien thoughts of a consciousness that has seen the passing of untold eons. He hopes to open a portal to this hell and bring Manos into the world. The Master’s preparations are nearing completion, the celestial alignment for the final dark ritual to open the portal is nearing, and once that’s open, the end of the world is assured.
The Master’s had a lot on his mind, and he’s been driven mad with his imminent ascension as the prophet of Manos. Not to mention he’s a cackling, sadistic, chauvanistic, abusive bastard who enjoys his eeeeevil work far too much. He forgot just one thing: Torgo. He’s been slapping him around for the better part of a decade, warping him mentally and physically with his magic into some satyric freak, rewarding him with only pain and emotional abuse. When Michael and his family arrived at the house, Torgo had real human contact for the first time. No spooky hell-hounds, no fiendish cabals or black masses under the thousand-faced moon, just people and their cute puppy. He missed that kind of contact. He began to realize that there was a world out there, and it was about damn time that the Master came through on his promises or he’d quit and seek his own fortune. Or at least a boss that doesn’t beat him with a staff.
The Master didn’t take Torgo’s ultimatum well. In fact, he blew the poor bastard’s hand off and thought the matter settled. Torgo scurried off into the desert, and given his grievous injury and the fact that there’s nothing but desert around for miles in all directions, the Master chalked him up for dead and brainwashed Michael into becoming the new caretaker.
But Torgo isn’t dead. Not by a long shot. He’s taken worse beatings in his life; after all, why do you think he walks so funny? But now he knows that the Master never intended to keep his word. He was laughing at Torgo from the beginning, always planning to wring him out like a mop and throw him away when he was of no more use. He’s had enough. Now he lurks in the shadows around the lodge, burned, broken, crippled, half-mad with pain and dehydration with only one thought on his mind:
That motherfucker is going to pay.
He knows he can’t take the Master directly. Even if he were in his prime– and he most certainly is not– the Master is for all intents and purposes completely immortal. He’s infused with the infernal magics of Manos and virtually immune to physical attacks. At first he thought that the Master might be vulnerable in his sleep, but now he knows that even his wives retain some form of awareness even in their deepest slumber. There’s no way he can kill a guy that powerful. But he doesn’t need to kill him, he just needs to bring the wrath of Manos down upon him, and what better way than to disrupt his ultimate summoning spell that only comes once every 666 years?
The Master can’t be everywhere at once, and all Torgo needs to do before he gets caught is cause enough damage to make the ritual impossible. He’s going to start with the Master’s wives, those snickering bitches. They’re awake now, preparing spell components and fetching materials for the Master. And luckily for Torgo, they tend to stay as far away from each other as possible because they can’t stand one another. They’re sitting ducks. They laughed at him behind his back when he did nothing but faithfully serve them. They used him, tormented him, mocked him, and now they’re going to suffer for it. He’s gonna fuck ‘em, and he’s gonna kill ‘em. At this point, he doesn’t even care if it’s in that order.
Oh no, the Master will not approve. But he’s not going to be able to do anything about it before it’s too late.
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This is actually the best idea I’ve heard in a long time…
Cast Tim Curry in it for ultra win!
And now some sleep so i can enjoy an eventful free comic book day!
HELL YES! I’ve thought it would be a great idea to have a movie starring Torgo ever since I saw Manos. Though, for some reason, I always imagined Torgo somehow gaining control over his constantly-on-fire stump arm, and using it as some makeshift magical flamethrower.
I can see Tim Curry as the Master too. I wonder if you’d wanna include Mike Nelson in it since he was a perfect Torgo. He even had the walk down.
My question is, after he killed the wives, would he leave some sort of calling card like taking off the hand that the master turned into wax/broke off?
I don’t know about you guys, but I like these. So I’m definitely willing to wait for another vid to watch and just read these.
I look at that image and for some reason all I can hear is a certain someone yelling “CAAAAN YOOOOU DIG IIIIIT?!”
This is well thought out. Casting question: Can Sam Jackson be Manos?
somehow I think a different Jackson (first initial is M) may be a better Manos
That’d be kickass. Also, Torgo can amass his own money and power by working a legitimate job. Remember the MST3K take? It isn’t Togo’s Pizza. It’s TORGO’S PIZZA!
I like the sound of this, but… I’m a chuckling MST3K nostalgia junky! And I don’t want my nuts twisted! They haven’t recovered from the last time!
Your screenplay ideas are very well thought-out for something you’ve convinced you should never do again, and I’m fascinated reading them. The Manos idea would have been achievable too had the movie not achieved cult status and actually be worth money anymore. Hell, the people who still own the rights might be up for a sequel if they were crazy enough to keep ownership of it for so many years.
Also, to anyone else complaining about the lack of visual stimulus, rant about it somewhere else.
Damn
We need to get you funding and make Manos 2: The Revenge happen.
I SO want to see this movie. :D
“Remember when this site used to have videos?”
Remember when people used to be patient and could just sit back and enjoy? And you had better, because otherwise tHe MaStEr WiLl NoT aPpRoVe.
Eeeeeevil work!
Are you oing to cure that problem witrh SCIENCE?!
Hey Linkara posts here what a suprise.
Hehy, lay off Daredevil man, those issues weren’t that bad! >.<
A. Freaking. Mazing.
Somehow, i could imagine as the film goes on, the ‘haunting Torgo theme’ becomes more and more deranged, descending into something Lemmy from Motorhead would hear in his nightmares, as Torgo loses it further and further and his revenge killings become more and more twisted.
Curious as to how you’d handle the whole brainwashed family bit, especially the kid… I mean, sounds to me like this would be happening very soon after Manos 1 ended. Would you seriously have Torgo splatter the kid’s brains all over the Lodge walls, or would even kill-crazy Torgo have his limits?
And to the folks who insist on responding to every post he does with ’sucks cause there’s no videos’, smeg off and go make your own website to give people free entertainment. Or, simpler, go to youtube and watch whatever strikes your fancy. The Spoony One is funny/interesting in any damn form, and if you’ve got that much of a bug up your butt about *gasp* reading something, then I weep for your future prospects.
This is funny, because me and a friend had a chat about how if Manos was actually done well, it could be very very creepy.
And then we started thinking up ideas.
Let’s just say, the only difference between your idea and ours was that you’re talking about a sequel. We’re talking remake.
Some may actually pray that we never do this. But still, I like to think it’s very possible. Besides, like the director of “Let the Right One In”
said, bad movies are the ones that should be remade.
Why don’t you just explain that the master’s powers are a result of mitoclorians while you fill in all the other blanks Noah. And I think you know exactly what I mean when I say that.
Manos, which incidentaly happens to be the spanish word for “hands” is one of those once in a life time experiences that a wise man should never attempt to reclaim. It cannot be done anyway. To even speak of it, satire or not, is heresy. Watch out God doesn’t strike you down with swine flu and turn you into a pirate.
I can imagine the Kill Bill parody teasers already….
I demand “Son of Mitchell”!
This movie will be directed by Coleman Francis and funded by L. Ron Hubbard.
It’s funny really, Manos IS one of those films that you can just get oddly curious about. The trappings are there for something interesting. Like the previous ideas, I like how you spin it off into a new direction.
“That motherfucker is going to pay. It will be dark soon! That motherfucker is going to pay.”
Spoony, please keep doing written articles/reviews until the majority of your annoying fanbase is gone. That way it’ll be mostly the cool people.
MANOS 2: VENGEANCE OF THE UNSEEN DAWN.
Radicola.
Another screenplay idea that I enjoyed, I don’t think writing screenplays is something you shouldn’t do ever again. I’m curious to see what other ideas you have.
I think Spoony should write articles for an entire month just to piss off the little kiddies
Does anybody know how to contact Spoony to give him a suggestion for a review? I was going to ask him to do a review on the latest X-men movie because I think there are so many things that he could rant on. X-men Origins: Wolverine in my opinion was probably just as bad if not worse than X-3. I would love to see Spoony rip this movie apart.
Hahah, awesome set-up. I’m also fairly sure that Manos is public domain, since it’s freely available on Internet Archive. :D ‘Cept for the small hitch of getting funding for it, it would be completely awesome to see something like this.
OMG. I was actually watching Manos online (the MST3K version) right before coming to this site. Uncanny.
“I think Spoony should write articles for an entire month just to piss off the little kiddies”
Then people would just stop bothering to come here. Considering a majority of his audence fan base are lurkers I can see that happening.
First off, I love these articles. Your writing has always been superb, which is what drew me into your site to begin with.
Secondly, DUDE!!! This movie idea is beyond awesome. I’d not only watch it, I might even find some way to help fund it (“might” as in IF I could find something resembling money to contribute). Hell, I’d even come out there and hold a camera or a light or play a corpse or something (I’m not much of an actor).
A good read. Keep ‘em coming.
Wow, guys, way to see his fans backing him up. When the times get tough, it’s really easy to see who’s backs are against the wall first. You people call yourselves fans, but you bitch and moan whenever you don’t get an update that is exactly geared towards your personal preferences. Way to go. You have just become the most abominable tools on the internet. Kudos. I hear it’s a tough thing to become. But I guess all it requires is to rag on a guy’s personal website for putting up pieces of fan-fiction in an attempt to appease his viewer’s pallets while he sorts through issues in his life which are preventing him from getting updates up that appeal to his fans. Oh wait, so I guess it’s not all that hard in the end. Douche bags.
PS. Keep putting up whatever material you want, Noah, those who give enough of a shit will read it anyway, and will keep coming back for more.
Those are my two cents. I am finished.
here’s a better idea. Instead of writing all this stuff. Why not make a video about it?
Just think you can maybe get someone to do some art work for the scenes and then explain it in like picture motion.
It be 1000% more entertaining.
“when will he make a frekin video i hate this writing stuff i like his videos”
“Remember when this site used to have videos?”
“here’s a better idea. Instead of writing all this stuff. Why not make a video about it? It be 1000% more entertaining.”
OH NOES READING T3H WURZ IS SO HARDZ! WAH WAH WAAAAAH! plz 2 read it 2 me liek bedtime story plxkthz
Personally, I’m finding these articles very funny. I’m sure it’s also a lot easier and quicker for Spoony to write up these synopses that he can put up here for people who enjoy his style of humour to read in shorter intervals between updates, instead of having to record and edit videos, and in turn that gives him more time to spend on other matters including – wait for it – making more review videos! I know, it’s such a difficult concept right?
A few bits of awesome written work in between video updates = more content = more win.
^^ Couldn’t agree more. Honestly, the aversion some people have to reading ANYTHING is depressingly indicative of where we’re going as a society.
News flash: making a video is fucking HARD. Stop whining and enjoy the free content, you illiterate fuckwits.
I’m not going to be a jack ass like everyone else and tell you how to run your site. The main reason everyone is upset, is because this is a new thing from you, and they want the same old sameold. I’ll admit a couple of these are over my head, but It’s good to see updates.
Haha, that would be an awesome movie to see made. Oddly enough, it reminds me of Yahtzee’s Trilby series.
This.
Would RULE.
Dude, i would fucking pay top dollar to watch that. I Always believed Torgo got the shaft in this whole thing, and true, the movie was a festering ball of plotlessness, but in the insanity of it all, the reason he got screwed was because not only what you said, he wanted to get some. He wanted some poontang and had a hand blasted off. If I was Torgo, I’d become “Puños: The Fists of Beating”… It would have been the Feet of Ass-Kicking, but how F’ing butch can you be calling on a demon named “Pies”?
Hands of Vengeance would kick ass!
So when did they let illiterate whining bitches become fans?
Personally, Spoony can do whatever the hell he wants with his website. It’s different, but still amusing!
I think Yahtzee said it best:
“Fans are clingy complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any concession you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices the happier you will be for it. Incidentally, why not buy a Zero Punctuation T-Shirt?”
Yay, more writing!
Seriously though, I’ve actually missed your written stuff.
Videos are good too of course, infact I can’t wait for the next Swat-bit personally, but I just love your way of writing.
And I totally mean that in a non-suck-up way. Really.
Also I can’t wait for you to get the rest of your textwork back up… Kinda miss them.
To the whiners: Fuck off and go learn to appreciate the written word, you lazy assholes!
I like to read, when it’s interesting and informative.
But this is boring and neither of those two mentioned above. SPoony please stick to what you do best and that’s “videos”.
Now get to it!
here’s torgo’s updated theme music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1EwrYQNB6c
I like how a lot of these comments order Spoony to do shit. “Yeah, Spoony, um, you owe us, like, ten videos, and if you could take my grandma to bingo, I’d really appreciate it, just as long as you pretend you’re Sean Connery, because she went blind a long time ago and we want to make her last few years more exciting, okay?”
I love how people bitch at the crowd who hates these reading segments. “Baaaaw! They’re all illiterate! Obviously someone who doesn’t want to read useless, trivial shit instead of watching the videos that made Spoony good to begin with are assholes! Let’s continue to kiss ass!”
It’s better to have no updates until the next video comes out, then to be dicking around with writing these “screen plays”
Dude, nice. I love spoony’s writings. They are pretty damn good, in some ways better then his (yours? I never know how to address things in comments. Should I talk to everyone or just the person I’m Commenting on? Bah, whatever) I always enjoyed reading the old movie reviews, although it makes me a little sad that they aren’t all up yet.
And I love that you guys are like all bitching about the updates recently. Spoony’s not your personal pet monkey or anything, dancing for your entertainment. This is his god damned website, he can put whatever the fuck he wants up. you seem to forget that. He doesn’t have to post anything at all.
Oh wow, I think you read a little too much into the “Manos” mythos, Spoony. The last I wanted to see of Torgo was taking TV’s Frank into Second Banana Heaven. He was happy there! lol.
“Large…sausage and mushroom…thin…crust? Just let me get your…complimentary crazy bread–”
“No! No!”
“Hey, it’s been an hour but the pizza’s still warm…*blech*”
I have been thinking about this concept for Manos 2 for two days now, thinking about how it would work, what it would look like. Actually, I would like to see this or something like it. If I had the money and power, I’d make it.
with torgo so crippled i wonder how hell get the strength to fight even the wives.bust in to the kitchen /get food and medical supply’s? any way i like the idea of this whole manos Apocalypse thing especially if you threw in plenty of scenes in the manos dimension
also did you do a text review on the movie Hackers? i swear i saw it before the H section went back up and its gone now was it completely lost or will we see it again?
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