The Spoony Experiment

Some computers will believe anything.

by Spoony on May 24, 2009 · View Comments

I think many of you are missing the point of this particular exercise. I’m trying to point out that these are terrible ideas that should never be applauded. A violent exploitation sequel to Manos? Be serious.

And yes, I know that all of these ideas are, without fail, based on some other existing series. I told you, my creativity is completely sapped. Lacking original ideas, the only thoughts I have are slipshod attempts to resurrect or repair already-perished franchises. I lack the ability to create anything new.

That being said, here’s how I’d utterly ruin Terminator!

I am John Connor

At first, I was thinking something along the lines of “John Connor must die” to save the franchise. From the beginning, the series has been somewhat shackled to the belief that John Connor is this mythical “chosen one” who would rally the last remnants of humanity and lead them against the machines. It’s a cool idea, but perhaps something that’s better left to the imagination. I was, to be blunt, unimpressed with the way Terminator Salvation portrayed Connor as humanity’s savior. Why was he so highly-regarded? What made him such a big damn hero as opposed to the others? Because he gave useless advice to people on the radio? Please. We only know he’s the savior of humanity because people from the future told us that he is.

And that’s what killed John Connor. More assuredly than a T-800 shooting his mother between the eyes, knowledge of Judgment Day irrevocably changed the future. It gave Sarah and John forewarning, allowed them to prepare, and set into motion a chain of events radically different than the original timeline. More terminators were sent back, people died, and John was a completely different person than he was in the original timeline when Judgment Day came around. In fact, when John destroyed Cyberdyne, he delayed the original Judgment Day and the timeline really took it in the ass. Now we’re talking about a completely different war, where Connor might not have been important to the war effort at all!

John Connor was a dead man whether Kyle Reese went back in time or not. You could argue that John would never have been born without the time paradox, but that’s the nature of a time paradox; it’s impossible to find the endpoint of a circle, and it had to start somewhere.

Here’s the real truth about John Connor, the first time around, before any robots were sent back to screw the timeline up: he singlehandedly held an assault base perimeter against a sustained, night-long attack when infiltrator terminators killed nearly everyone else on sentry duty. If not for Connor raising the alarm and holding the perimeter for hours against those insane odds, thousands of refugees might have been overrun and killed. Connor became a symbol of heroism, of courage, and of hope. His name became a rallying cry to inspire others to heroic acts, and his voice on the radio inspired fanatical loyalty and suicidal obedience.

He died about six months later.

He died when HKs plasma bombed his command post two years before Skynet even figured out time travel. Skynet didn’t even know Connor had been killed. Neither did most of the Resistance– there’s no way in hell Resistance Command would let that bit of news out.

Look. John Connor was a great warrior, and an inspiring commander. But he was just a man like any other soldier. He was a hero, no doubt, but let’s face it, he got lucky, and Command exploited his name and embellished his story to legendary proportions because the Resistance needed to boost morale. Things were looking hopeless, and Connor was just the kind of story people could latch onto. But really, it could have been anyone.

In fact, that’s the point. He could be anyone. John Connor is a name and a voice, nothing more. He’s the Uncle Sam on recruiting posters. Right now, HQ has about six John Connors running around whipping the troops into shape, leading forlorn hopes into suicide missions. John Connors are dying all the time. Your average Resistance fighter doesn’t know what he looks like; it’s not like he’s on TV. All they might have heard is that he has a scar over his eye, so when Command sends a guy over to lead them and says it’s Connor, who are they to argue?

Skynet doesn’t know what’s hitting it; it doesn’t have the creativity to think that the Resistance might have created a fictional character. It doesn’t know anything about the value of symbolism or the hope Connor inspires in people. To Skynet, this John Connor bastard is everywhere, and he has to die.

Skynet is wasting its time, chasing a phantom and wasting invaluable resources on a target it believes is pivotal to the human war effort. That suits Resistance Command just fine. The longer Skynet devotes resources to killing a dead man, playing whack-a-mole with the half-dozen Connors in the present, the more unfocused it is and unprepared when the Resistance finishes its preparations to strike its final blow.

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  • witheringsanity
    THAT... IS... BRILLIANT. i am not kidding at ALL when i say you should seriously contact whoever's making the new terminator movies and pitch that idea. it would make for the most fantastic final film twist ending.
  • Houiostesmoiras
    I disagree; this would be an awesome script, and _someone_ should write it.
  • Hitmonchan
    Re:Matthew "you have a perfect way..."
    I think you forgot a major fact that came directly from T2. Ah-nold told Sarah that Skynet learned at a geometrical pace and became self-aware, thinking that humans were Skynets enemy. Also (and this is a major drag for Salvations plot), Ah-nold also mention to John that he can learn human emotions and values, however Skynet presets the switch to read-only because as Sarah said "it doesnt want you to think too much". My point is, Matthew, if McG knew this fact Salvation coulda have a better plot without including Mad Murderin' Marky Marc Marcus Wright, and allowing T800 to infiltrate in the Resistance and eventually kill John Connor but not Reese because he was sent under Johns orders to protect Sarah before being Terminated by none other than the evil Ah-nold T800 who also sets out in the past to terminate both Kyle and Sarah, thus canonizing Salvation with T1

    Also anyone noticed that there were no little brats that called Jonh "Daddy"? I thought he had kids with Kate Brewster...
  • Hitmonchan
    my favorite part of the movie was DO IT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    AAAAAAAARRRRRGH

    after that it sucked when connor tried to revive marcus
  • Hitmonchan
    Salvation shouldve been the last movie for the franchise. i mean come on, less than 2 hours full of overused CGI crap and the plot focused on an unkown murderer by the name of marcus wright isnt terminator. i thought the original idea of how terminators got human skin around them in order to infiltrate and be unsuspected by real humans was that in the war they captured and harvested people to later kill them for their eyes and skin for the T800s (remember in T1 reese mentioned that the T600s were easy to spot for the rubber skin), but noooooooooo, McG and those amateur writers decided to include marcus instead of finishing the sequel into the prequel by john reealing to kyle that hes his musc more older son and sends him to the past to save sarah before the "AH-nold" T800, who also was sent to 1984 by skynet, terminates her.
  • Hitmonchan
    Terminator V: John Connor must die. Lol
  • wow I almost never read ur text reviews but this bloggy thing is AMAZING!!!! you totally need to make an exploitation film of this it kicks ASS!!!! like OMFG best fanfiction EVER
  • this comment is for the Warrior Public speaking thing, for some reason I couldn't post it there, wierd, the post comment box just wouldn't show up so....

    Ok thats it, I'm starting to feel sorry for WARRIOR! I think the guy is genuinly retarded, and now I feel bad for laughing at him, HE ROBBED ME OF THE FUN OF LAUGHING AT HIM :'( but I cant stop laughing he is such an idiot, man:Whats wrong with homosexuality WARRIOR: Reality. Reality doesn't work that way._____ ok wtf is with this wow he is so freakin dumb, (for any homophobes out there who think I'm gay for this, I'm not, I have a wonderful girlfriend, but I do support gay rights, but even if I was a homophobe, I would still laugh at that. "Reality doesn't work that way" I guess he MEANS that with homosexuality you can't have kids, but he doesn't SAY that lol.
  • Swing on teh Spiral
    ive never liked the terminator movies, whether it was arnolds terrible acting, or the psuedo-logical time paradoxies that never had a definative explanation. its too symbolic, and as a fan of the matrix im no hater of depth and symbolism. but the terminator franchise is waaaay too specific. i mean, you have this single mother, she gives birth to a child with the initials JC, he's the chosen one, rising up to overcome an armageddon as the savior of mankind. its almost like corporate christian brainwashing.

    btw, i was really surprised to see you didnt do a g.i. joe review.
    c'mon. am i gonna have to see it to experience the audacity of another live action adaption of an 80's cartoon?! T_T
  • Leviathan
    John Connor supposedly was supposed to fall in love with Katherine Bruster when they were kids, one day before the events of Terminator 2, where he kisses her in Mike Cripkee's basement. The resistance sends the T-101 to rescue him from the T-1000. But wait, if no time travel had occurred in 1984, where Kyle went back to protect Sarah from the first T-101, then John would have never fallen in love with Katherine Bruster, who is just as important to the resistance, AS ARE THEIR CHILDREN according to the T-101 in the third Terminator film. My guess is, if Kyle had never gone back in time and Skynet had never sent an assassin back in time, then Sarah would have inevitably become some sort of female version of Ted Kizinsky, has a psychotic episode, gets pregnant, kills the father, raises John to be a great military leader, tries to blow up a computer factory and is sent to Pescadero Mental Institution. John is then left orphaned, and then adopted by Todd and his Wife. John meets Katherine Bruster in Mike Cripkee's basement when they first kiss. Katherine's father, who is an up and coming soldier and engineer working with private companies like Cyberdine to protect America and her interests, meets John and at first, Katherine's dad wants John to have nothing to do with his daughter but then his foster parents die in a car crash. Through a series of events involving Katherine, her dad comes to adopt John Connor as his son because he recognizes John as being much like himself as a child. Inevitably, the defense network grid known as Skynet becomes infected with the hyrdra-worm virus, the virus and skynet become a single entity and becomes self aware. Skynet targets humanity as a threat and launches its missiles. Judgement day happens. John being raised by General Bruster learned a great deal about electronics, engineering, artificial intelligence, robotics, military drones, and naturally was the one who knew all of Skynet's weaknesses. John begins to win the war against skynet by capturing HKs, T-888s, T-101s, and even a few T-1000s, hacking them, and using them to fight skynet with its own hardware. In a desperate move, Skynet invests resources to develop Time Displacement technology. John learns about the new development and piecing together reports from soldiers in the resistance about blinding purple lights with cyborgs emerging from them out of nowhere back in 2008. In the year 2020, John Connor sees a pattern in these phenomenon and realizes that Skynet is figuring out how to send Cyborgs further and further back through time. He realizes that the only way to prevent his own assassination, and the key to destroying skynet, he has to send people and captured/converted cyborgs to protect himself and his mother in the past. He learns that skynet is going to send a terminator back through time to kill his mother so he sends his most reliable soldier to go back through time to protect her. As it just so happens. Kyle Reese father is John Connor's father. Kyle Reese is actually a clone of a man who died during Judgement day. This man who cloned himself also, at one time, had a fling with a waitress he met the night the events of the first Terminator movie took place. Kyle Reese's father was a scientist who worked for Cyberdyne and his research is the basis for the technology Skynet uses to grow living tissue for their Cyborgs. After Kyle Reese's father whom he was cloned from dies in the nuclear explosion, he is adopted by survivors.
  • Facepalm
    You say these "are terrible ideas that should never be applauded" and yeah they aren't good ideas in the "you're so right Spoony this needs to happen" sense. To use your own words, these ideas are "fun". I think it would be fun to see some of them put to film.
  • Matthew
    You have a perfect view of what Skynet should be. It's emotionless, methodical, and doesn't understand human social constructs or ideas. They're anathema to it. It wants to stomp them out and create a perfect world of order and reason. It's super smart technically speaking, but it doesn't have any human intuition or instincts. Skynet would totally fall for the "John Connor" trap, and be completely oblivious to it.

    that's awesome.
  • Ben
    That would be a pretty awesome twist, not to be found out until the very end, though.
  • Hank
    I want to point out to each and every person that brings up paradoxes based on the T-101 (Arnold, though I'm not sure of the number designation) that the information he has is based solely on what he believes, or is programmed to believe. How hard is it to program a computer to lie? In T3, following Spoony's timeline, Arnold killed the original John Conner's wife's new husband, or a person she knew, or any of the random John Conners running around. It thinks its mission is accomplished, but it was a fake John it killed anyways.

    To the people that think a war hero dying can cause a "remember the Alamo/for Pearl Harbor" sentiment, realize its in the manner they die, and the condition of the troops hearing it. If a T-101 shoots John in the back of the head from half a mile away, its hugely demoralizing. If the troops are barely hanging on, and find that their idol has been killed, it can cause people to lose their will to fight. Troops in good situations hearing of ridiculous heroics causes that boost.

    Maybe the "We stopped Judgement Day" was never true. Maybe it happened as it was meant to happen, and had already happened. Time paradoxes are screwed up, and I prefer to think of it like DBZ does. For those ignorant of DBZ, that's when time travel creates/causes you to travel to an entirely different dimension. We/they think they're manipulating the fourth dimension (time), but are just moving to a different yet similar plane by traveling through the fifth dimension. If that's true then the entire write your own fate becomes true as well. John can die at any time, for any reason. He isn't fated to do anything, just what he chooses. Heck the machines may never make an Arnold terminator. Maybe they make something else in THIS timeline.

    Spoony this could work as something to throw out on a blog for discussion, and get over 9000 replies. Its that perfect "kick-in-the-pants" irony. It probably wouldn't work too well as a movie because most people are shallow and need the main character to win. This ending would be like if in The Patriot Mel Gibson was killed off during that last battle, as he realistically would have been.
  • Andrew
    Sounds better than the standard action hero plot they went with.
  • Aedwynn
    I'm thinking that would definitely piss off a lot of fans of the franchise, were it to be 'canon'; but I think that's plot synopsis a really good idea. It's always interesting as to how a machine intelligence would perceive fiction and falsehood. I think it would also be interesting towards the second act of the film where SkyNet actually figures it out and starts circulating propaganda and misinformation of it's own.
  • Claytonic
    Your idea is way better than the plot of Salvation.
  • Scherzo
    I don't think this plot would make the original two movies meaningless at all. In fact, they make them extremely ironic. In trying to stamp out this supposed Messiah, SkyNet has created its own worst enemy; John and Sarah Conner do delay Judgment Day due to their actions in T2, and from then on out, John Conner becomes uberprepaired for the upcoming war. In chasing ghosts, SkyNet has only created more problems for itself.

    Question though, are we operating under the idea that there is a single time line that can "Change", or one that diverges into multiple realities everytime something like time travel is used. I prefer the latter personally.
  • Disthron
    You know, I always thought that if a terminator war movie was to be made is probably shouldn't have had much to do with John Conner. I mean he was the general so I thought he would have a similar role to that of commander Adama in the new Battelstar Galactica. He planned the assaults and auganised everyone but was not really involved in the action much.
  • That was actually a pretty sweet plot, Spoony.
  • Josh - Matrixman124
    This is actually one of the cleverest ideas you've had, TSO.
  • That would have been an awesome alternative. But the original ending for the movie Terminator Salvation, where they kill John Connor and use his face to infiltrate the resistance would have been fucking classic, and would have made everything worthwhile, as you pointed out in the review.

    It would be hard to explain how the resistance found a way to trick the perfect killing machines, since Terminators analyze every part of a person, and could possibly relay that information directly to Skynet via wifi, the citing of the first fake John Connor would ruin the ruse and foil The Resistance's surprise attack. Causing them all to die. Which I would like to see. The Terminators Win. That'd be awesome.

    The only way your version would work would be if The Resistance cloned John Connor's from a secret base, and delivered them to the rest of the resistance, somehow without giving away their secret base. They could create the clones then use the time travel shit to teleport them to the rest of the resistance? Have it go unexplained, like the Bear mascot and the old guy in The Shining.
    or
    They could use the Time Travel technology a bunch of times, go to just after the apocolypse, when John Connor is leading the resistance, abduct him from the past, bring him to the present, do that like five hundred times, and then fool Skynet, if that makes sense at all.

    Lataz.
  • Marlon
    So what was that, Spoony?

    Is this what you think, what the last two movies are going to reveal?
    That Connor is just some type of propaganda?

    I think Skynet and it's terminators are quite firm with the fact with symbolsism and morale.
    Until that time the machines had enough chance to study humans and their behaviour.
    They just figured out how to trick them with fake skin etc
    The skin, living tissue, is a symbol for weakness. So skynet has understand the principle, that people only belive, what they see. If people see a sign weakness - skin - this nice bodybuilder guy with the plasmarifle can't be too bad.
    So the machines, they wrap themself up into that mess to trick humans and get a few feet closer to them, to infiltrate bases and so on..

    I think that machines which are smart enough to fake the look and mimic human behaviour have understood the pychology to a certain degree, where it can't be fooled with a fake (or several fake) connors.

    Nice Theory, though!
  • Varmit
    I've actually always thought along the same lines as your idea since I saw T1, that JC was just a myth/propaganda in the future, just like the russain snipers in WW2. Months after a sniper was dead the russains would still attribute other snipers kills to the dead sniper. I must have always been too grimdark to belive in a hope for humanity after a Atmoic purging. That's just me though.
  • Durazno
    As Colt noted, it would be hard to maintain emotional focus with this premise, but there are ways.

    Like, say the whole concentration camp thing were done away with, and all the surviving humans were all running around in small armed bands fleeing the Terminators. The world's militaries have fallen, but Skynet hasn't figured out the best way to hunt and kill people on the ground yet, especially trained guerrilla forces. The token science person could explain in passing that it's trying out a variety of designs to see what works best and that the humans are trying to screw with its calculations. This would allow varied action scenes and handwave some of the weird, impractical Termi-types.

    So for our heroes we could have a man and a woman who were partners-in-crime in the old world; the man was the fast-talker and the woman was the muscle/gun. As you might imagine, the man is feeling quite useless these days, and actually sort of wants his partner to ditch him, feeling she'd have a better chance on her own. But one day they see a group of humans put up a serious fight against the Termies and scatter in time to avoid the cluster-bombing. Impressed, they end up joining this army and meeting one John Connor, Hero of the Resistance.

    They have some kind of action-packed adventure with the Resistance, perhaps disrupting Skynet's early attempts to make humanlike Terminators, but fall into an ambush on their way out and get decimated. Our two heroes and a couple of incidental characters are all that remain, gathered around John Connor as he lies dying. He explains that he's not the only JC (oh, I just recognized the initials; very clever), and passes the mantle on to the former con-man, who now has a chance to use his charisma and cunning to help humanity survive. How's that?
  • Dustin
    Yeah, this brings up a lot of good points. It's all a dark and gritty war where anyone could die and a good morale booster is some guy who does an amazing stroke of freaking luck whose name will then forever etched in legends...........until he kicked the freaking bucket. Of course, knowing that knowledge would just kill morale right there.

    John Connor isn't some guy who if he had to face God for the sake of humanity, ends up winning. He's a easy to kill human if you get in a shot when he's not looking.

    but of course, Hollywood went for the fact this guy is invincible and has luck of gods.
  • Hate to tell you Spoony, but it this is a good idea. Ignoring several people including me, the only thing preventing anyone from publishing this are copyright laws, and hollywood executive's stupidity.

    It would make one helluva fanciftion story though.
  • Metal B
    Yeah its a great idear for an alternative Terminator Salvation movie (you should do a time travell to save that movie =P).

    It neels down why Skynet and the terminators can't win this war. Its create Terminator and tries to kill John Connor, but he cant do it, becauce everytime he killed a "John Connor" there comes an another and another John Connor.

    A global computer, what can controll anything, everywhere, cant kill one man. Its unlogical and so Skynet cant understand it. Its goes insane, do time travels and anything to kill something thats unkillable. It focus its prime objective to much to John Connor and In the end it will get destroyed. Not by John Connor, it will be destroyed by man, who belives in John Connor.

    The movie itself was a mistake, they never should have shown John Connor in the war, becauce the point of the character of John Connor is that we cant get, how he can become such a legend. Its like doing a movie about the Joker, it would destroy the character, if we understand him.
  • Boadicia
    Oh come on. That Manos idea was pure gold.
  • Ham Sampson
    Skynet knows what John looks like. How do you propose to trick Terminators with doubles who don't actually look like the target?
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