Pandorum Review (9-29-09)

by Spoony on September 29, 2009 · View Comments

You got me out of bed for this?

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MKZimmer September 30, 2009 at 2:25 pm: This movie left me with a headache afterwards. It may have been because, where I saw it, the sound was up way too loud, but nothing in the movie sure decided to help. At the end, for me at least, I sort of understood what happened, but it still leaves you thinking, “Wtf?”. It explains what happens, or tries, but doesn’t make it completely clear. It wasn’t terrible, but it’s not really worth the ticket price.
Ragal September 30, 2009 at 2:31 pm: I hope you get better. In regards to this movie, I doubt I will watch it unless I forget about it and catch it in tv someday. Probably won’t screen in my country any time soon, seen as District 9 and Drag me to Hell open this weekend, yeah it sucks.
King of Kobolds September 30, 2009 at 2:35 pm: So the ship from Restaurant at the End of the Universe is maned by the crew from 2001: A Space Odyssey, The main character becomes Stimpy and releases Aliens? Lame.
Carnage1235 September 30, 2009 at 2:41 pm: Hahahah, “oh my beloved Ice cream bar!”

And I can’t believe he fucking runs naked in his own filth. Well, I didn’t need any more convincing not see this shit, i’ll just stay at home and jerk off, at least that would be more entertaining.
Jeff September 30, 2009 at 3:00 pm: Spoony, it would be awesome if you put a video together of your favorite films (when you have time, of course).

I only say this, because I gotta say, you didn’t like Event Horizon or Descent? Damn dude…
WebVidAddict September 30, 2009 at 3:01 pm: Well at least you gave yourself a good excuse to be absent from videos for like 2 weeks. Nice review corner. Wasn’t planning to go see it now never will.
Snob September 30, 2009 at 3:07 pm: Oh come on, who doesn’t love a little Space Cannibalism? Actually I didn’t get around to seeing this. I was going to see it last weekend, but lost track of time due to editing. I can probably picture myself giving it a good review because it would have been a step up from fucking “Sorority Row,” but I’m going to pass anyway. Hilarious work my friend.
Rob September 30, 2009 at 3:18 pm: Thanks for saving me 16 bucks. Hope you get better.
BoomDowg September 30, 2009 at 3:26 pm: Where there any good parts to this movie, i haven’t seen it yet, tell me!
XanltheCSG September 30, 2009 at 3:47 pm: claustrophobic horror in which aliens come and fuck up the crew one by one…ALIEN????
i can’t believe you missed something so obvious to compare it to!
Aaran September 30, 2009 at 4:37 pm: I actually said that to my friends when i had seen the trailer that it looks like the descent in space lol, great review man, also I loved Sunshine i thought it was a brilliant movie :D
bee_oh_three September 30, 2009 at 4:38 pm: I see sickness actually makes you more bitter. :-) I’m sick myself and yet your snark still got me chuckling. Thanks, man. Funny funny stuff…I’ll save my twelve bucks and watch a real horror movie tonight, like Alien.
Jeo September 30, 2009 at 4:45 pm: Haha, well i wasn’t gonna see it anyway, glad to know it’s nothing special.

Feel better, dude.
SgtShrapnel September 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm: I usually don’t watch these movie reviews but this was hilarious.

Hope you get better.
V September 30, 2009 at 5:19 pm: Man, when I saw the first preview for this movie I was looking forward to it. But then later on I saw another preview and they threw in that giant message at the begining announceing who was producing it…
Anything and everything Paul Anderson touches immediately turns to garbage…as soon as I found out he was attached to this film all of the excitement I had for the movie shriveled and died.
I was already planning on avoiding this movie, but this definitely reassures my decision.

Good luck with the sinus problems.
Puppeteer September 30, 2009 at 5:36 pm: I haven’t seen Pandorum, but from what the movie looked like from the
trailer, I was in no way expecting a good film… I have to agree that it would just
rip off tons of sci-fi films. I have seen both Event Horizon and The Descent, and
I really hated Event, and Pandorum would most likely fall in that category.
If I had to choose between these particular movies, I would choose The Descent. And ya
those are not the best to choose from but I would for sure choose Descent over any of the
other two.

Awayway good review and I have to agree with this one for sure.
Much luck for the future Spoony!
Saucy Pants September 30, 2009 at 6:19 pm: Event Horizon, that was a good movie…when I was 14. You know what I’m going to go rent that anyway Spoony you got me in the mood to see it again, and Fuck Dennis Quaid.
Otokogoroshi September 30, 2009 at 6:32 pm: I found your review REALLY strange. It was like you were commenting on a movie you only saw a preview of. I saw this yesterday and really like it. Granted I adore sci-fi movies and really tolerate a lot of bad crap (my movie buddy has the standards of a brick and will enjoy just about anything that movies in front of him) but I do not think this movie is half as bad as you describe it.

First off you completely missed numerous really really really really obvious points. Two characters did have pandorum and the fact you missed that is O_O. You would have had to walk out of the movie before 1/3 of it was done. Heck it was eluded early on that the first guy you met had it.

My biggest complaint is the crow-barred romance. Apparently if I run into a guy in a horridly stressful situation I’ll fall for him REGARDLESS of any possible personality differences. Sure there wasn’t much romance but it was hinted at. If they had kissed I would have instantly hated the movie :P

Yes it was old hat, but I don’t think Decent did it better… just differently. I actually put them on the same bar with Pandorum slightly above it. Not much mind… At least this movie didn’t directly pull crap from other films. The whole cryo-tube was completely necessary due to the plot. They explain WHY the dude has no idea whats going on when he wakes up and again you must have not paid that much attention at all to the movie to miss these things :P
spoonchao September 30, 2009 at 6:54 pm: Oh boy, impressions with spoony! It was pretty funny when you did the impression of the navigator freaking out, and screaming. Oh yes, the screaming.
KK September 30, 2009 at 7:01 pm: Sorry, Spoony I dissagree with you. Over all i think the movie was really good and by the way I did not like Event Horizon. Oh and I thought Descent was not good. I’m not going to rant explainnig why i liked the movie but know this I was well made and of all sci-fi movies I actually quite liked it. First if you have great imagination and suspension of disbelief you will like this movie if you do not then you wont. Second the situations that characters were placed in I thought was good, it wasnt your standard hulking marines that although armed to the teeth usually dont know how to use their weaponry, real people trieng to save them selves and understand what is going on. Thats my take on it, I usually agree with you but not this time. You still rock though Spoony.
KK September 30, 2009 at 7:17 pm: oh by the way this goes out to people who said that they thought this was a “Dead Space” movie deal. It’s not but there is a dead space movie schedulled to be in the works for 2010-11. For those who keep saying they are not going to see the movie because Spoony said it sucks or the trailers suck, go out and see the movie for your self before you start bashing it. Drag me to hell was a good movie with a shitty ending that ruined the experience and I diss agreed with Spoony then but still saw it and had fun with it. Cant wait for the Dead Space movie, if they have a good director and script then it should work.
hai September 30, 2009 at 7:37 pm: Event Horizon is badass. Top 5 horror my book. Descent is really good too. I will probably like Pandorum then.
altered- mind September 30, 2009 at 7:42 pm: So i saw pendorum. I enjoyed it cuz i was expecting worse. What pisses me off of the movie is that it ended up being a survival horror film (might of made a fun game thought) i was hoping to see more of the “pendorum” not monsters. if they worked more on the madness factor it would be a better movie in my opinion
gadaboutgirl September 30, 2009 at 8:18 pm: Ugh, I hated The Descent lol. The commercials for Pandorum reminded me too much of that movie to even consider it. Thanks for ensuring me that I made the right choice hahaha.
MrDasani September 30, 2009 at 9:00 pm: Feel better Spoony.

Also, loving The Warriors posters. Great movie.
Sniktbub September 30, 2009 at 10:52 pm: I loved The Descent, I think I’ll just go watch that again and skip this shit.
Rain September 30, 2009 at 11:29 pm: I hope you get better soon.
WPWW September 30, 2009 at 11:38 pm: You crack me up, Spoon
overfiend_87 October 1, 2009 at 1:10 am: A lot of this certainly sounds like Deadspace, but I’ve never played it so I can’t say. Event Horizon I recently heard of before this review and am planning to watch it for a horror movie marathon with my best friend.
Esc0bar0ni October 1, 2009 at 1:40 am: @overfiend_87
I haven’t seen this movie either, but it does sound a lot like Deadspace or Descent.

.. and Event Horizon and Sunshine.
e altar October 1, 2009 at 5:19 am: so if i understand well “rambo”
you like to watch a black screen…. or a tv with no power ……….
you sheep
you know the “you have to wait for the end” for there, in the voyager magic meeting room, every thing clicks in place
it doesn’t work with animé and it doesn’t work with films….. not explaining any thing
makes the the movies borring and the ending too rushed
NotMr.Jones October 1, 2009 at 7:35 am: Great review. I also got talked into seeing this opening day, mainly because it was the only movie showing at 10:20 at night;Damn Christian movie festival. The point where I yelled “come on” in a crowded,yes this was crowded because that’s the time when people get “high” and watch movies, theater was the explanation of the “evolutionized” human taken directly from Serenity. I agree completely with some of the comments,if they focused on the “pandorum” aspect, hence the name of the movie, and not take the crew being hunted by some beasties, the movie could have succeeded.
Rabbi October 1, 2009 at 8:15 am: Hey Spoony,

I loved this review. Any time you imitate someone screaming or moaning, it’s hilarious. I wasn’t planning to see this film, and thanks to you, I am now planning to avoid it like the plague. Dennis Quaid used to be so cool too…

I decided to take your idea for a 5 Second Movie and run with it. Click my name to see it, and let me know what you think. Thanks for all you do!

~Rabbi
Shenron October 1, 2009 at 8:22 am: Thank you, have saved me precious pennies… but poor Spoony haven’t you realized Hollywood can’t make an original and new Idea anymore… all they can do is remake and rehash old ideas.

I know how you feel man I just got over a cold like that…. then broke up with the person I had spent nearly 4 years with so in a scene I’m sick again… get well soon,
Sam October 1, 2009 at 10:46 am: The ice cream bar is just a bar of soap! It’s soap I tell you!!
Jos Hirth October 1, 2009 at 12:01 pm: The embedded Blip player doesn’t seem to work for me these days. I also tried a different browser (Chrome) – same thing. It loads the snapshot, then I press play, and then I get the never ending spinner thingy of doom.

Same thing over at TGWTG. Over at James’ site it did work fine though. Probably some some balancer f- up. (Blip’s fault.)

Watching the video directly over at blip.tv did work fine by the way.

I really liked the acting part at 7:15+. Hilarious stuff. :)
Leo October 1, 2009 at 2:05 pm: Dood, I’m British and Pandorum just came out over here.

After watching this, I just wanna go see it.
I don’t know much about it, but it sounds like a super cheesy film, and seems worth the £5 cinema fee just to take a look at the rancid, half baked shit that seems to get passed off for good films recently.
Films like Event Horizon and Sunshine seem to be the norm for sci-fi in recent years, and me and a group of others can’t help but want to go take the piss.
Spider October 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm: I fucking hated The Descent.
All the potential it had was lost when they introduced the fucking Goblins from Moria.
It could have been an awesome psychological horror.
Trekkie313 October 1, 2009 at 4:12 pm: Don’t diss on Event Horizon, it was the shit!
Daryl October 1, 2009 at 5:07 pm: #1) Dennis Quaid Is Office Gallo. Dennis Quaid has Pandorum.
#2) Cryo Sleep Causes Amnesia… therfore Dennis quaid has no memory of being nuts (pandorum), earth Exploding, murdering people etc and as his mind slowly comes back together in the form of Gallo. He eventually recovers his full mind and Joins with Gallo who was obviously just a piece of his mind.

#3) the worst part of the movie is when the Reaver throws the agriculture guy a spear in order to fight… un necessary and lame.

#4) No one remembers because of cryo amnesia, so they dont remember they are humanity’s last best hope.

Yes its like a serenity prequel
yes its like event horizon
yes its like every space adventure gone wrong but honestly I would pick this over any garbage by Tarantino
Kman October 1, 2009 at 6:43 pm: Astaraea Gundam Miester:Spoony what dose the scouter say about it’s shityness?

Spoony:it’s Over 9,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AGM:Holy Fucking Shit that is fucked up

*hint*Hint*
Aleks October 1, 2009 at 7:59 pm: I liked Event Horizon…
jere October 1, 2009 at 8:11 pm: The Descent=Lifetime horror flick. Seriously, mainly women backstabbing each other while the monsters shrug and occasionally pick them off. Pandorum is worse than that? I’ll just watch the Oxygen channel…
JackG2 October 1, 2009 at 8:44 pm: Hey, Spoony. Everything is derivative of something else. There are no original ideas anymore. So, if anything, it shouldn’t be about how original it is, but how well it does the idea… which from the sound of it, this movie fails at.

Plus I’m surprised you never mentioned “Alien” when referencing movies that Pandorum is similar to.
Baramos October 1, 2009 at 9:06 pm: Was I the only one who found the most annoying premise of this movie to be the title? There’s already a derivative of Pandora that means chaotic madness; it’s called PANDEMONIUM.

I hate Hollywood.
smeghead October 1, 2009 at 9:39 pm: I feel your pain, Noah. I think I caught the same cold you did. Fortunately, I don’t have anyone dragging me out of bed to see a shitty movie.

I do have to drag myself out of bed to go to work, however, which is probably just as bad.
sfried October 1, 2009 at 9:52 pm: From the sound of it, Pandorum’s plot sounds like that episode “Terminal” from Blake’s 7.

Your impersonation is also brilliant Spoony. “Uh…UH…OH Dennis Quaid YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MAN! GAME OVER MAN!”
landshark October 2, 2009 at 5:31 am: Actually, as far as I could tell from the story, the colonists knew what the ship was, but extended hypersleep causes some loss of memory, and the mutagen in the feeding tubes was always part of the plan. The people who have transformed have been awake for an indeterminate amount of time and through successive generations have adapted to the ship’s environment. And Dennis Quaid can’t really bash the shit out of a figment of his own imagination, can he? It wasn’t a great movie, but it was far from bad. It didn’t bring anything truly innovative or original to the sci-fi horror genre, but how many movies these days actually do, for any genre? And the comparison to The Descent, well, come on, even the Germans are allowed to rip off their own shit once in awhile.
e altar October 2, 2009 at 6:24 am: yo some one hates tarantino like me harray
reusing what as all ready been done isn’t bad
it is just the way tou do it that is
take knight rider 2008 version for instance…. a realy good update of the original
there is nothing new, that hasn’t been seen in other car related series, but it is awsome
take star trek eleven….. it’s a piece of garbage…. need i say more

it’s not about making new ideas it’s about how to reuse old ones with out looking like you had nothing new

nasa does it
space suit MK5 it’s a an old 007 movie deep sea scafander with a nasa logo on it
Harrkonen October 2, 2009 at 7:05 am: Lousy movie this one. I have to say i’m in full agreement. It brings nothing new to the table. When I saw Aliens for the first time (age 12 I think) I nearly shit myself and have thought that movie to be one of the best Sci Fi horrors out there. This movie doesn’t even deserve the title of Sci Fi horror, It more of that Gore/Torture porn shit that people keep eating up with the SAW movies and whatnot. It’s a complete waste of film stock and time.

On the bright side…It wasn’t as bad as Transformers 2. That movie STILL makes my blood boil…