The Spoony Experiment

New Moon Review (11-22-09)

by Spoony on November 22, 2009 · View Comments

For there was never a tale of more woe than New Moon, which surely did blow.

And ANOTHER thing… You know, the more I think about Bella, the more shocked and appalled I am at her behavior. Throughout the movies she displays a neediness and selfishness that verges on sociopathic, almost as if she can’t even begin to comprehend the feelings of others as she leaves misery and broken hearts in her wake– and not just of her potential paramours. Think about her father, Charlie, and all the melodrama he has to put up with. She regularly comes home battered, bruised, and beaten, but answers his honest concerns only with lies. She disappears into the woods, collapses from exhaustion and exposure, causing him to mobilize a town-wide search for her fucking dead body, and returns with absolutely no explanation. Then she drops everything to flee to Italy for an indeterminate amount of time, and even the vampire Alice voices more concern for Charlie’s feelings than Bella does. Her hopeless, helpless, woe-is-fucking-me attitude veers beyond mere misogyny and becomes truly grotesque.

Think about her friends and her mother, whose lives would be devastated if her suicidal thrill-seeking ended her life. Does she care? No, because she can’t see beyond her own needs, acting for months like a petulant child denied her favorite toy. When it becomes clear that becoming a vampire would call off the truce between the Cullens and the werewolves, does Bella care that her incessant demands to become a vampire would therefore put the Cullens (who she claims to care about) in constant, mortal danger? No. Does she care that people are dying, being torn apart by wolves, sucked dry by vengeful vampires, all because she doesn’t have the good sense to get away from undead monsters? No. Does she care that her dad, who dotes on her constantly (only God knows why) has to clean up after these bodies? No. Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.

In fact, her desire to become a vampire is completely selfish as well. She’s worried about getting old, fat, and wrinkly like everyone else, and damn it, that’s not fair! Why should Edward stay young and dreamy for all eternity, and not ME? ME, ME, ME! Even once Edward has gone, I don’t think her pissy mood has as much to do with being alone as hating the thought that Edward could possibly be happy without her.

Anyone who relates to this girl is incredibly disturbed and needs some serious mental help. Anyone who’s ever been in love has perhaps wrestled with the same feelings, the same neediness that Bella experiences in these movies, but good lord, it’s a high school crush. We got over it. We moved on. Sure, that first love and that first loss were hell, but we got a fucking grip on our lives and moved on. You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.

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  • HomeExplosion
    This is one of the funniest reviews I've ever seen.
  • penisenvy
    One of my friends made an interesting point about Twilight: I guess Stephanie Meyer is Mormon, and my friend thinks this is the reason why Bella is portrayed as such a helpless little girl.
    I suppose that would make sense, considering all of the Mormon girls I have known are literally mothers/housewives before they are even old enough to drink.
  • TheLangler
    Right on SpoonyOne, I went to see New Moon on opening night with a friend PURELY TO RIP ON IT. It was incredible. We sat in the back row yelling at the screen, and by the end of the movie, we had about fave other guys sitting with us absolutely tearing new assholes. I'm glad to see you were able to see how fucking amazing an oporunity this movie is for people who can appreciate trash and laugh off absolutely PAINFUL sexism and shittiness.
  • Jorda75
    Twilight is just total garbage. I could go on and on but Spoony said it as good as I can, don't waste your time with this garbage, there are better vampire romance novels and movies, hell there's better vampire romance fan ficion out there! This is the worst thing that has happened to vampires since garlic bread.
  • devilfish
    You know, I really don't like being angry and frustrated so I have pretty much avoided the need to vent my rage at this stupid, stupid series on the net, but now that I found those sexist, emo, whiny books in my sister's room I'm just about to blow. I can deal with the fact that it reads like cringe-worthy Queen of the Damned fanfiction, I can even deal with the emo whining, but I cannot get over the blatant sexism. Bella is a terrible role model, for all the reasons mentioned above. I'm appalled at what feminism has become. Objectifying men is not the way forward, you sniveling bitches! Fuck the shirtless werewolves and fuck needy, greedy, woe-be-me Bella. She is the worst thing a woman can be: needy, worthless without a man and still managing to be insanely sexist. I kept hoping for her to man the fuck up, grow a pair and get a hobby, and that could be the point of the series, but no. Sick bitch is digging a hole deep enough to bury everything classy ladies like my grandmother fought so hard to achieve.

    I grew up with the worst female role models. For the longest time, way into my teens, I sort of assumed that the best and only way to experience love was to basically whore myself out, physically and emotionally, and shut the fuck up. I wizened up, thankfully, but that sort of bullshit leaves scars.

    I do not want my little sister reading these books and watching these movies. No way in hell am I telling her what to do and if there's one thing I hate more than sexism is censorship, so the best I can do is read them myself (ugh) and talk to her about them. But there's a lot of girls out there who don't ave mothers and sisters (and fathers and brothers) who care enough to place things into perspective and point out where these stories fail. Hard.

    I never thought I'd say this, and I hope to god I'm just being a drama whore about it, but I really think these books, now that they're so popular, are dangerous.

    [/rant]
  • i just keep waiting for henry rowland to come in and drop kick the fuck out of edward

    oh, and is it just me, but i think Megan Fox should have played Bella

    another thing, Bella means "beautifull" in Italian, yea, VERY SUTTLE GUYS!

    god i hate this movie
  • Spoony, the Dr. Insano Italian vampire dude almost makes me want to watch this movie!
  • SkullCrusher
    If I had to play Edward, I would be in constant, horrible pain too.
  • tfguy49
    i saw this shity movie and it was the worst FUCKING movie have ever seen. the girl seems to be ignoring whats his face when he shows up so what is she doing? and she is really messing with the werewolf guy, leading him on and like teasing him. and the ending, there is tension of cores shes going to say yes there's no reason she would, she was bitching about him being gone the whole fucking movie.
  • tfguy49
    .i saw this shity movie and it was the worst FUCKING movie have ever seen. the girl seems to be ignoring whats his face when he shows up so what is she doing? and she is really messing with the werewolf guy, leading him on and like teasing him. and the ending, there is NO tension of cores shes going to say yes there's no reason she wouldn't, she was bitching about him being gone the whole fucking movie.
  • You really got into this movie.
  • Ran88
    The sound track was the only thing in this movie that i liked. Other than that this movie was hilariously bad. Me and one of my friends saw it and we had a blast riffing on it. Still I will say that its better than twilight (not really an acomplishment) because stuff did happen in this movie. Stupid nonsensical stuff but stuff nonetheless.

    Also wtf happens to the werewolves pants when they transform?
  • haha! awesome review spoony, this movie blowed so much and your entire review proved weven more how horrible this piece of shit is really..unless your watching it for comedy which i doubt is what they were going for
  • Bobbay
    The soundtrack is the greatest! Not with the movie, obviously. Lyrical songs as a score for a movie is just...just...stupid. But seriously, the songs are awesome.
  • Mykal Graves
    Wow. I sat through this to win girlfriend points. got like 3 bazillion, (for those of you that dont know about girlfriend points, get a girlfriend, then do something she wants you to do but you really dont. then a week later, get her to do something she doesnt want to do, and when she pisses and moans remind her of e.g. sitting through New Moon.) Though hilariously enough she hated it as much as i did. We both, literally went, just because the wolves looked kick ass. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT! On top of that we went to the cheap theatre in pasadena tx, the hollywood 20, if anyone is around here they know about it for the 2.75 matinee instead of 7 fucking dollars at Cinemark. so that means im surrounded by twitards with gangsta boyfriends, and one of them actually kicked my seat when i laughed at the screen. so i told him keep it up i liked my ghetto massage chair and he got pissed. at the end of the film he confronted me in the halls. i put my girlfriend behind me, shes screaming at him and he tells me to "shut my bitch up" Im a short but heavyset guy. Like a linebacker, and just like one I rail him against the wall and lift his hat with the tag still on it wearin ass and popped him in the gut, dropped him then kicked him in the ribs as hard as I could. By now his girl got a hold of my girl, i grabbed her by her fake fur coat and pushed with all my weight(226lbs squeezed into a 5'6'' frame.) next to her boyfriend. she fell then got up and I told her stay down, I dont hit girls but shes growing a dick really fast. then her boyfriend got up and I hay makered his ass in the forehead and he fell down. Needless to say I enjoyed my day in jail, and got released the next day. Got a lawyer and await the trial for beating up a ghetto twitard.
  • Tildessmoo
    And somehow I can't get the girls in my life to understand precisely what you've been saying. I'll have to see if I can make them sit down and watch this review. Maybe we should've called it "There's Something (But God Only Knows What) About Bella?" Nah, you're right, "New Moon" does fit perfectly.

    Incidentally, when you pondered if Pattinson's acting was to blame for Edward always seeming to be in pain, well... I'll just let Pattinson answer for me: (on Twilight) "The more I read about this guy the more I hated him, so that's how I played him—as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus he's a hundred-year-old virgin, so he's obviously got some issues there."
  • Dudey
    NeRo - *pat on back* You just managed to compress the whole issue into 2 words
  • NeRo
    Fuck Twilight
  • ker-plop
    Heh heh... For being over 45 minutes, this was a very entertaining review. Keep up the good work.
  • Nina
    I think you're giving Stephenie Meyer a little too much credit here... Seriously, the werewolves are just werewolves :P
  • Vic
    I totally agree.
    and here is my point of view of the movie
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llqekPAobgY
  • Dragonqueen
    is just me does Noah impression of Edward kinds sound like Dr. Frank N. Furte form rocky horror picture show?
  • The Shamster
    This comic will make you laugh at the sparkily vampire wanna-be's!

    http://www.hookiedookiepanic.com/geist/pics/58.jpg
  • What can I say? All your points are spot on. Bella Sue truly is a wretched excuse for a fictional (I hope) human being. And sparkling Emo vampires must diiiieeee!!
  • Ivdar
    Bruce Banner's doesn't stay shirtless all the time because he's a nerdy scientist running and hiding for his life, not a beefcake American-Indian posing for the fangirls. He needs to blend in, to hide the fact that he's the Hulk ; he also does NOT want to go into smash-mode, unlike the werewolves, whose shape-shifting is a natural, instinctive process.

    And also because the Incredible Hulk's various incarnations in comic books and movies are MILES away from Twilight in terms of quality.
  • Zoraman
    I just have one question, and I don't know if anyone had already pointed that.

    Soo.. the werewolves don't use shirts because the shirts will be destroyed, right?
    Then, why in the name of sanity, Bruce Banner don't go everywhere shirtless?

    (If I had some English errors, sorry, I'm Brazilian)
  • CleverConveyence
    The soundtrack is the worst part? Wha? It's an indie pop/rock wet dream. Editors? Band of Skulls? Black Rebel Motorcyle Club? The Grizz? Bon Iver AND St Vincent...IN A DUET? Fuckin' A, sign me up!

    Everything else stands, though. What a godawful insipid series.
  • As much as I hated the first movie (and novel) and the idea of "good" vampires who sparkle and are "vegetarian" I actually liked the movie for the Werewolves, even if they were homoerotic and into unusual..."wrestling." And come on, who doesn't love seeing the dude who played Colossus chokeslam sissy boy Edward?
    But yeah, Bella was a totally bland, selfish, self-centered Mary Sue and it's pretty amazing Jacob put up with all that for such an average and bland person who was a cocktease for the most part. I agree with you there. And the Vampires were lame though I did the like the psychotic Dakota Fanning Vampire. She was cool as was the big dumb Vamp played by the guy who played Colossus in X2 and X3. The leader of the Volturi was a total Dr. Insano! I totally agree with you there. I really couldn't help but laugh because I kept thinking of Dr. Insano reciting that dialogue. But yeah, not an Oscar piece but cool for the Werewolf effects and the action parts and a good unintentional laugh here and there (I got glares for laughing when Edward was doing the slo-mo beefcake walk out of his car).
  • Webby
    Well i got talked into going to see this movie... and Spoony, you were right. It was at the same time incredibly painful and painfully funny. I wonder why i didn't get kicked out of the theater for all the riffing i did and the laughter i instigated in my friends. As you said, it's a great comedy, but it blows in every other aspect. I'm sort of glad i went to see it though. It's the biggest laugh i've had all year.
  • The Shamster
    You know, proper authors spend at least three years to write a single book. Meyers spent three months. I'm studying at university to become an author myself. I'll have noble dragons, humans, humanoid creatures and vampires in my story...I wont give the plot away to avoid anyone stealing my ideas, but I'm sure you'll like it.

    Dont worry everyone, I'll help repair the damage done by Meyers...The vampires in my stories WONT sparkle in sunlight at all...Instead, they'll either become severely weakened and their skin burns black, or they'll just burst into flames and die. Their leader however, who's a demi-god and is a extremely brutal dictator who loves torturing people so much that he weeps with joy at their agony, is immune to sunlight, and he also cant be killed at all unless he suicides with his own weapon. Give me three years...I'll get my novels published and hopefully help fix this problem.

    GJN
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