New Moon Review (11-22-09)

Spoony | Nov 22 2009 | more | 
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For there was never a tale of more woe than New Moon, which surely did blow.

And ANOTHER thing… You know, the more I think about Bella, the more shocked and appalled I am at her behavior. Throughout the movies she displays a neediness and selfishness that verges on sociopathic, almost as if she can’t even begin to comprehend the feelings of others as she leaves misery and broken hearts in her wake– and not just of her potential paramours. Think about her father, Charlie, and all the melodrama he has to put up with. She regularly comes home battered, bruised, and beaten, but answers his honest concerns only with lies. She disappears into the woods, collapses from exhaustion and exposure, causing him to mobilize a town-wide search for her fucking dead body, and returns with absolutely no explanation. Then she drops everything to flee to Italy for an indeterminate amount of time, and even the vampire Alice voices more concern for Charlie’s feelings than Bella does. Her hopeless, helpless, woe-is-fucking-me attitude veers beyond mere misogyny and becomes truly grotesque.

Think about her friends and her mother, whose lives would be devastated if her suicidal thrill-seeking ended her life. Does she care? No, because she can’t see beyond her own needs, acting for months like a petulant child denied her favorite toy. When it becomes clear that becoming a vampire would call off the truce between the Cullens and the werewolves, does Bella care that her incessant demands to become a vampire would therefore put the Cullens (who she claims to care about) in constant, mortal danger? No. Does she care that people are dying, being torn apart by wolves, sucked dry by vengeful vampires, all because she doesn’t have the good sense to get away from undead monsters? No. Does she care that her dad, who dotes on her constantly (only God knows why) has to clean up after these bodies? No. Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.

In fact, her desire to become a vampire is completely selfish as well. She’s worried about getting old, fat, and wrinkly like everyone else, and damn it, that’s not fair! Why should Edward stay young and dreamy for all eternity, and not ME? ME, ME, ME! Even once Edward has gone, I don’t think her pissy mood has as much to do with being alone as hating the thought that Edward could possibly be happy without her.

Anyone who relates to this girl is incredibly disturbed and needs some serious mental help. Anyone who’s ever been in love has perhaps wrestled with the same feelings, the same neediness that Bella experiences in these movies, but good lord, it’s a high school crush. We got over it. We moved on. Sure, that first love and that first loss were hell, but we got a fucking grip on our lives and moved on. You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.

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  • Speedwagon33

    This should be interesting….

  • Speedwagon33

    This should be interesting….

  • Speedwagon33

    This should be interesting….

  • Speedwagon33

    This should be interesting….

  • Speedwagon33

    This should be interesting….

  • Speedwagon33

    This should be interesting….

  • NoMoreDeadCops

    Epic…

  • NoMoreDeadCops

    Epic…

  • NoMoreDeadCops

    Epic…

  • NoMoreDeadCops

    Epic…

  • NoMoreDeadCops

    Epic…

  • Adam

    Hahaha yay so excited for this… i saw it, it SUCKED! no pun

  • Adam

    Hahaha yay so excited for this… i saw it, it SUCKED! no pun

  • Adam

    Hahaha yay so excited for this… i saw it, it SUCKED! no pun

  • Apathetic One

    I can not STAND this series…VAMPIRES DO NOT GLISTEN IN SUNLIGHT !!!

    Great review..

  • Apathetic One

    I can not STAND this series…VAMPIRES DO NOT GLISTEN IN SUNLIGHT !!!

    Great review..

  • Apathetic One

    I can not STAND this series…VAMPIRES DO NOT GLISTEN IN SUNLIGHT !!!

    Great review..

  • Apathetic One

    I can not STAND this series…VAMPIRES DO NOT GLISTEN IN SUNLIGHT !!!

    Great review..

  • ThunderT

    Twilight is such an aweful Movie-series, i can only agree 100% with everything you say about it Noah!

  • ThunderT

    Twilight is such an aweful Movie-series, i can only agree 100% with everything you say about it Noah!

  • http://www.rulesofrule.nl/ Rule

    You sort of spent way too much time on Taylor Lautner’s physique….

    ;)

  • http://www.rulesofrule.nl Rule

    You sort of spent way too much time on Taylor Lautner’s physique….

    ;)

  • Drappamap

    VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT

    Dracula would be rolling in his bed. His coffin. Where he sleeps. Get it? :v

  • Drappamap

    VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT

    Dracula would be rolling in his bed. His coffin. Where he sleeps. Get it? :v

  • http://www.mrgonaka.co.uk/ jamie g

    awww god, my girlfriend really wanted me to go see this with her, luckily she found a friend to go with her instead. I feel like I dodged a bullet!

  • http://www.mrgonaka.co.uk/ jamie g

    awww god, my girlfriend really wanted me to go see this with her, luckily she found a friend to go with her instead. I feel like I dodged a bullet!

  • http://www.mrgonaka.co.uk/ jamie g

    awww god, my girlfriend really wanted me to go see this with her, luckily she found a friend to go with her instead. I feel like I dodged a bullet!

  • http://www.mrgonaka.co.uk jamie g

    awww god, my girlfriend really wanted me to go see this with her, luckily she found a friend to go with her instead. I feel like I dodged a bullet!

  • http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/ Vaughn Fry

    My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

    http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

    I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

  • http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/ Vaughn Fry

    My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

    http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

    I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

  • http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/ Vaughn Fry

    My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

    http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

    I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

  • http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/ Vaughn Fry

    My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

    http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

    I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

  • http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/ Vaughn Fry

    My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

    http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

    I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

  • http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/ Vaughn Fry

    My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

    http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

    I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

  • PERSON

    “[...]Twilight is really awesome.” -Spoony (2009)

  • PERSON

    “[...]Twilight is really awesome.” -Spoony (2009)

  • Zetta

    A perfect DVD cover quote.

    Patinson looks like he hasn’t taken a shit for three weeks, Spoony.

  • Fox Silent-K

    Here you go Spoony, if you haven’t seen this site you should,

    http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

    see how movies should have ended. Just so happens the first Twilight movie got this treatment.
    Hope this lifts your spirits.

  • Fox Silent-K

    Here you go Spoony, if you haven’t seen this site you should,

    http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

    see how movies should have ended. Just so happens the first Twilight movie got this treatment.
    Hope this lifts your spirits.

  • Fox Silent-K

    Here you go Spoony, if you haven’t seen this site you should,

    http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

    see how movies should have ended. Just so happens the first Twilight movie got this treatment.
    Hope this lifts your spirits.

  • Fox Silent-K

    Here you go Spoony, if you haven’t seen this site you should,

    http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

    see how movies should have ended. Just so happens the first Twilight movie got this treatment.
    Hope this lifts your spirits.

  • Fox Silent-K

    Here you go Spoony, if you haven’t seen this site you should,

    http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

    see how movies should have ended. Just so happens the first Twilight movie got this treatment.
    Hope this lifts your spirits.

  • Zetta

    A perfect DVD cover quote.

    Patinson looks like he hasn’t taken a shit for three weeks, Spoony.

  • Fox Silent-K

    Here you go Spoony, if you haven’t seen this site you should,

    http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

    see how movies should have ended. Just so happens the first Twilight movie got this treatment.
    Hope this lifts your spirits.

  • LaZodiac

    The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.

  • LaZodiac

    The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.

  • LaZodiac

    The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.

  • LaZodiac

    The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.

  • Mecahawk

    audio gave out a bit near the beginning

  • Mecahawk

    audio gave out a bit near the beginning

  • Mecahawk

    audio gave out a bit near the beginning

  • Matthew G

    I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
    Transformers 2 is still worse.

  • Matthew G

    I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
    Transformers 2 is still worse.

  • Matthew G

    I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
    Transformers 2 is still worse.

  • Matthew G

    I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
    Transformers 2 is still worse.

  • Matthew G

    I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
    Transformers 2 is still worse.

  • valahraun

    u actually paid to see this??

  • valahraun

    u actually paid to see this??

  • valahraun

    u actually paid to see this??

  • valahraun

    u actually paid to see this??

  • Matthew G

    I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
    Transformers 2 is still worse.

  • valahraun

    u actually paid to see this??

  • Zetta

    “The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.”

    What?

    That’s the worst thing I’ve read today.

  • Zetta

    “The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.”

    What?

    That’s the worst thing I’ve read today.

  • Zetta

    “The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.”

    What?

    That’s the worst thing I’ve read today.

  • Niouxsie

    Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

  • Niouxsie

    Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

  • Niouxsie

    Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

  • Niouxsie

    Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

  • Niouxsie

    Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

  • Niouxsie

    Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

  • Patt C.

    Dam i hate this sh!t, My girlfriend is a HUGE fan of all of this boy vampire love craze garbage. So of course I had to go see this focking nightmare along with the first one and the only good thing about these movie are she wants to have sex right after it ends.

  • Patt C.

    Dam i hate this sh!t, My girlfriend is a HUGE fan of all of this boy vampire love craze garbage. So of course I had to go see this focking nightmare along with the first one and the only good thing about these movie are she wants to have sex right after it ends.

  • Seigar

    I think this movie has been made mostly for emo audience…

  • Seigar

    I think this movie has been made mostly for emo audience…

  • Seigar

    I think this movie has been made mostly for emo audience…

  • Seigar

    I think this movie has been made mostly for emo audience…

  • Domasi

    laughed my ass off!! very funny review

  • Domasi

    laughed my ass off!! very funny review

  • Domasi

    laughed my ass off!! very funny review

  • Domasi

    laughed my ass off!! very funny review

  • Husky

    I MADE MUFFINS!! :D

    Awesome review! As to what Jacob and Edward see in Bella… well i think she’s HOT! Too bad we don’t get her shirtless. Hmmm… i’ll try googling that:P

  • Husky

    I MADE MUFFINS!! :D

    Awesome review! As to what Jacob and Edward see in Bella… well i think she’s HOT! Too bad we don’t get her shirtless. Hmmm… i’ll try googling that:P

  • Husky

    I MADE MUFFINS!! :D

    Awesome review! As to what Jacob and Edward see in Bella… well i think she’s HOT! Too bad we don’t get her shirtless. Hmmm… i’ll try googling that:P

  • Saturn

    Oh Spoony, the things you put up with to entertain your fans… thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Is the damn thing really over two hours long? Isn’t the whole story

    Edward: Bye.

    Bella: No!

    Jacob: Hi!

    Bella: Whoa.

    Edward: Hey!

    Bella: Yay!

    does that really need over 2 hours?

  • Saturn

    Oh Spoony, the things you put up with to entertain your fans… thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Is the damn thing really over two hours long? Isn’t the whole story

    Edward: Bye.

    Bella: No!

    Jacob: Hi!

    Bella: Whoa.

    Edward: Hey!

    Bella: Yay!

    does that really need over 2 hours?

  • Saturn

    Oh Spoony, the things you put up with to entertain your fans… thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Is the damn thing really over two hours long? Isn’t the whole story

    Edward: Bye.

    Bella: No!

    Jacob: Hi!

    Bella: Whoa.

    Edward: Hey!

    Bella: Yay!

    does that really need over 2 hours?

  • Rob

    The reason why it’s porn for girls is not only the visuals but that the needy manipulation pays off despite having no redeeming qualities. This movie is a huge emotional wank.

  • Rob

    The reason why it’s porn for girls is not only the visuals but that the needy manipulation pays off despite having no redeeming qualities. This movie is a huge emotional wank.

  • Rob

    The reason why it’s porn for girls is not only the visuals but that the needy manipulation pays off despite having no redeeming qualities. This movie is a huge emotional wank.

  • Lord Milton Feen

    its movies like this that encourage us rapists to work overtime

  • Lord Milton Feen

    its movies like this that encourage us rapists to work overtime

  • LaZodiac

    @Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

  • LaZodiac

    @Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

  • LaZodiac

    @Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

  • LaZodiac

    @Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

  • LaZodiac

    @Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

  • Lord Milton Feen

    its movies like this that encourage us rapists to work overtime

  • LaZodiac

    @Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

  • goodtimesfreegrog

    Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

    But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

  • goodtimesfreegrog

    Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

    But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

  • goodtimesfreegrog

    Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

    But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

  • goodtimesfreegrog

    Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

    But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

  • goodtimesfreegrog

    Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

    But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

  • goodtimesfreegrog

    Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

    But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

  • supalime

    Spoony, you’re the best.

  • supalime

    Spoony, you’re the best.

  • supalime

    Spoony, you’re the best.

  • supalime

    Spoony, you’re the best.

  • supalime

    Spoony, you’re the best.

  • CrimsonDusk

    Awesome review Spoony, really you did a great job bashing the crap out of the movie and from a comedic POV I think I’m going to give it a try when I’ll be with some friends to laugh the crap out of it. I’m really curious if you laughed all the way through the movie if one or many of the hormonal imbalanced girls in the theater gave you leching looks.

    Oh and WTF if they made a Rome and Juliet reference at the start of the movie than they should have gone all the way through and go as them. At least Bella Edward is a couple I want to see in ashes.

    Keep up the great work man and bash crappy movie.

  • CrimsonDusk

    Awesome review Spoony, really you did a great job bashing the crap out of the movie and from a comedic POV I think I’m going to give it a try when I’ll be with some friends to laugh the crap out of it. I’m really curious if you laughed all the way through the movie if one or many of the hormonal imbalanced girls in the theater gave you leching looks.

    Oh and WTF if they made a Rome and Juliet reference at the start of the movie than they should have gone all the way through and go as them. At least Bella Edward is a couple I want to see in ashes.

    Keep up the great work man and bash crappy movie.

  • supalime

    Spoony, you’re the best.

  • CrimsonDusk

    Awesome review Spoony, really you did a great job bashing the crap out of the movie and from a comedic POV I think I’m going to give it a try when I’ll be with some friends to laugh the crap out of it. I’m really curious if you laughed all the way through the movie if one or many of the hormonal imbalanced girls in the theater gave you leching looks.

    Oh and WTF if they made a Rome and Juliet reference at the start of the movie than they should have gone all the way through and go as them. At least Bella Edward is a couple I want to see in ashes.

    Keep up the great work man and bash crappy movie.

  • Tinker

    Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

    I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

    But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

  • Tinker

    Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

    I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

    But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

  • Tinker

    Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

    I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

    But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

  • Tinker

    Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

    I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

    But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

  • Tinker

    Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

    I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

    But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

  • Tinker

    Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

    I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

    But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

  • areoborg

    Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

    Great review.

  • areoborg

    Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

    Great review.

  • areoborg

    Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

    Great review.

  • areoborg

    Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

    Great review.

  • areoborg

    Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

    Great review.

  • areoborg

    Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

    Great review.

  • Yoko

    why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

  • Yoko

    why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

  • Yoko

    why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

  • Yoko

    why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

  • Yoko

    why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

  • Olivaw

    Man, the movie you described sounded HILARIOUS.

    The ghosts of Edward seriously talk about her hair and putting on a helmet and the speed limit and stuff? That’s fucking comedy gold, man.

    And I cannot wait to see Edward stiffarm Bella in the face on Youtube.

  • Yoko

    why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

  • Olivaw

    Man, the movie you described sounded HILARIOUS.

    The ghosts of Edward seriously talk about her hair and putting on a helmet and the speed limit and stuff? That’s fucking comedy gold, man.

    And I cannot wait to see Edward stiffarm Bella in the face on Youtube.

  • PowerCosmic

    This review was fucking amazing.
    One of your best Spoony!

    Definately your most quotable.
    Keep on popping em out.

  • PowerCosmic

    This review was fucking amazing.
    One of your best Spoony!

    Definately your most quotable.
    Keep on popping em out.

  • PowerCosmic

    This review was fucking amazing.
    One of your best Spoony!

    Definately your most quotable.
    Keep on popping em out.

  • PowerCosmic

    This review was fucking amazing.
    One of your best Spoony!

    Definately your most quotable.
    Keep on popping em out.

  • PowerCosmic

    This review was fucking amazing.
    One of your best Spoony!

    Definately your most quotable.
    Keep on popping em out.

  • PowerCosmic

    This review was fucking amazing.
    One of your best Spoony!

    Definately your most quotable.
    Keep on popping em out.

  • James Corck

    Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

  • James Corck

    Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

  • James Corck

    Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

  • James Corck

    Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

  • James Corck

    Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

  • James Corck

    Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

  • Antsu

    That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

  • Antsu

    That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

  • Antsu

    That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

  • Antsu

    That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

  • Antsu

    That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

  • Antsu

    That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

  • BrannanTheNomad

    ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

  • BrannanTheNomad

    ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

  • BrannanTheNomad

    ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

  • BrannanTheNomad

    ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

  • BrannanTheNomad

    ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

  • BrannanTheNomad

    ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

  • Kefkaownsall

    I also found that the Native Americans ultra white.
    Also I had my sis and my friend snark along with myself. And it was awesome. Snark=win.

  • Kefkaownsall

    I also found that the Native Americans ultra white.
    Also I had my sis and my friend snark along with myself. And it was awesome. Snark=win.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

    The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

    I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

  • Jeremy Horsley

    If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

    The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

    I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

  • Jeremy Horsley

    If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

    The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

    I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

  • Jeremy Horsley

    If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

    The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

    I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

  • Jeremy Horsley

    If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

    The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

    I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

  • http://sturmovikdragon.livejournal.com/ Sturmovik

    Dude, the whole Twilight Series is nothing but Mormon propaganda about the virtues of abstinence. It’s just best to stay away from it least it gets its hooks into you, just like heroin or anything by L Ron Hubbard.

  • http://sturmovikdragon.livejournal.com/ Sturmovik

    Dude, the whole Twilight Series is nothing but Mormon propaganda about the virtues of abstinence. It’s just best to stay away from it least it gets its hooks into you, just like heroin or anything by L Ron Hubbard.

  • http://sturmovikdragon.livejournal.com/ Sturmovik

    Dude, the whole Twilight Series is nothing but Mormon propaganda about the virtues of abstinence. It’s just best to stay away from it least it gets its hooks into you, just like heroin or anything by L Ron Hubbard.

  • http://sturmovikdragon.livejournal.com/ Sturmovik

    Dude, the whole Twilight Series is nothing but Mormon propaganda about the virtues of abstinence. It’s just best to stay away from it least it gets its hooks into you, just like heroin or anything by L Ron Hubbard.

  • http://sturmovikdragon.livejournal.com/ Sturmovik

    Dude, the whole Twilight Series is nothing but Mormon propaganda about the virtues of abstinence. It’s just best to stay away from it least it gets its hooks into you, just like heroin or anything by L Ron Hubbard.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

    The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

    I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

  • http://sturmovikdragon.livejournal.com/ Sturmovik

    Dude, the whole Twilight Series is nothing but Mormon propaganda about the virtues of abstinence. It’s just best to stay away from it least it gets its hooks into you, just like heroin or anything by L Ron Hubbard.

  • Kefkaownsall

    The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

  • Kefkaownsall

    The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

  • Kefkaownsall

    The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

  • Kefkaownsall

    The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

  • Kefkaownsall

    The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

  • Kefkaownsall

    The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

    BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

    BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

    BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

    BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

    BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

    BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

  • SarahSyna

    Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
    Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

    Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

  • SarahSyna

    Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
    Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

    Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

  • SarahSyna

    Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
    Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

    Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

  • SarahSyna

    Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
    Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

    Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

  • SarahSyna

    Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
    Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

    Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

  • SarahSyna

    Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
    Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

    Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

  • Badly-Drawn Manchild

    I still can’t believe that Jonathan Ross – a critic I usually have respect for – gave this absolute shit a glowing review. I can only suspect he capitulated to a barrage of death threats sent by the Cult of Twilight.

    There are many, many reasons to hate this series. Yeah, it completely shits on all established vampire and werewolf lore, but that’s not the main reason I hate it. I hate it because it’s embarrassingly-written, atrociously plotted, obvious author-insertion fantasy, unbelievably sexist, is full of stuff that’s just plain wrong (like the paedophilic moments someone’s mentioned), and you could replace the cast with puppies and you’d STILL want them all to die miserable, painful deaths. Frankly, anyone who seriously likes this shit (and I don’t mean as an accidental comedy or prime riffing material) should be sterilised.

    Anyway, this was a great, very quotable review, Spoony, though I’m honestly starting to wonder if you have masochistic tendencies. I guess that’s the life of a critic though; you have to suffer for your art.

  • Badly-Drawn Manchild

    I still can’t believe that Jonathan Ross – a critic I usually have respect for – gave this absolute shit a glowing review. I can only suspect he capitulated to a barrage of death threats sent by the Cult of Twilight.

    There are many, many reasons to hate this series. Yeah, it completely shits on all established vampire and werewolf lore, but that’s not the main reason I hate it. I hate it because it’s embarrassingly-written, atrociously plotted, obvious author-insertion fantasy, unbelievably sexist, is full of stuff that’s just plain wrong (like the paedophilic moments someone’s mentioned), and you could replace the cast with puppies and you’d STILL want them all to die miserable, painful deaths. Frankly, anyone who seriously likes this shit (and I don’t mean as an accidental comedy or prime riffing material) should be sterilised.

    Anyway, this was a great, very quotable review, Spoony, though I’m honestly starting to wonder if you have masochistic tendencies. I guess that’s the life of a critic though; you have to suffer for your art.

  • Badly-Drawn Manchild

    I still can’t believe that Jonathan Ross – a critic I usually have respect for – gave this absolute shit a glowing review. I can only suspect he capitulated to a barrage of death threats sent by the Cult of Twilight.

    There are many, many reasons to hate this series. Yeah, it completely shits on all established vampire and werewolf lore, but that’s not the main reason I hate it. I hate it because it’s embarrassingly-written, atrociously plotted, obvious author-insertion fantasy, unbelievably sexist, is full of stuff that’s just plain wrong (like the paedophilic moments someone’s mentioned), and you could replace the cast with puppies and you’d STILL want them all to die miserable, painful deaths. Frankly, anyone who seriously likes this shit (and I don’t mean as an accidental comedy or prime riffing material) should be sterilised.

    Anyway, this was a great, very quotable review, Spoony, though I’m honestly starting to wonder if you have masochistic tendencies. I guess that’s the life of a critic though; you have to suffer for your art.

  • Game Chic

    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love”

    Well said, Spoony. Your characterization of Bella is completely spot-on, and summarizes exactly why I have issues with this series in the first place. You always hit the nail on the head.

  • Game Chic

    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love”

    Well said, Spoony. Your characterization of Bella is completely spot-on, and summarizes exactly why I have issues with this series in the first place. You always hit the nail on the head.

  • YigSnakeDaddy

    The things men watch for girls…

  • YigSnakeDaddy

    The things men watch for girls…

  • YigSnakeDaddy

    The things men watch for girls…

  • YigSnakeDaddy

    The things men watch for girls…

  • YigSnakeDaddy

    The things men watch for girls…

  • YigSnakeDaddy

    The things men watch for girls…

  • http://incharakter.blogspot.com/ Mistwraith

    I am playing Vampire the Masquerade for 12 years now and really like the vampiremyth. I have seen nearly every vampiremovie that is out there. Even Interview with a vampire was enjoyable in my eyes.

    But Twilight is pain. This is no vampiremovie, no romance, no drama, nothing at all, except eyecandy for girls.
    I did not see New Moon, but I completely trust you on this one. Why should the second movie be any different?

  • http://incharakter.blogspot.com/ Mistwraith

    I am playing Vampire the Masquerade for 12 years now and really like the vampiremyth. I have seen nearly every vampiremovie that is out there. Even Interview with a vampire was enjoyable in my eyes.

    But Twilight is pain. This is no vampiremovie, no romance, no drama, nothing at all, except eyecandy for girls.
    I did not see New Moon, but I completely trust you on this one. Why should the second movie be any different?

  • http://incharakter.blogspot.com/ Mistwraith

    I am playing Vampire the Masquerade for 12 years now and really like the vampiremyth. I have seen nearly every vampiremovie that is out there. Even Interview with a vampire was enjoyable in my eyes.

    But Twilight is pain. This is no vampiremovie, no romance, no drama, nothing at all, except eyecandy for girls.
    I did not see New Moon, but I completely trust you on this one. Why should the second movie be any different?

  • http://incharakter.blogspot.com/ Mistwraith

    I am playing Vampire the Masquerade for 12 years now and really like the vampiremyth. I have seen nearly every vampiremovie that is out there. Even Interview with a vampire was enjoyable in my eyes.

    But Twilight is pain. This is no vampiremovie, no romance, no drama, nothing at all, except eyecandy for girls.
    I did not see New Moon, but I completely trust you on this one. Why should the second movie be any different?

  • SarahSyna

    If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

    NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

    And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

  • SarahSyna

    If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

    NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

    And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

  • SarahSyna

    If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

    NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

    And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

  • SarahSyna

    If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

    NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

    And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

  • SarahSyna

    If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

    NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

    And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

  • Chibito

    @Jeremy Horsley
    I don’t enjoy the games Spoony reviews, but the actual reviews. Just like I most likely wouldn’t enjoy New Moon, but I enjoyed his review of it. I kind of get your point though

  • Chibito

    @Jeremy Horsley
    I don’t enjoy the games Spoony reviews, but the actual reviews. Just like I most likely wouldn’t enjoy New Moon, but I enjoyed his review of it. I kind of get your point though

  • SarahSyna

    If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

    NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

    And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

  • Chibito

    @Jeremy Horsley
    I don’t enjoy the games Spoony reviews, but the actual reviews. Just like I most likely wouldn’t enjoy New Moon, but I enjoyed his review of it. I kind of get your point though

  • Jeremy Horsley

    People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

    You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

    You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

    You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

    You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

  • Jeremy Horsley

    People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

    You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

  • http://www.thefourohfive.com/reviews/1325 Lindsay

    Direct quote from the New Moon IMDB trivia page:

    “Actors of the wolf pack went through “wolf camp” together to get buff and bond with each other.”

    I guess what happens at wolf camp stays at wolf camp!

    Here’s my review
    http://www.thefourohfive.com/reviews/1325
    Couldn’t agree more about Bella being a cock-tease. Ace review Spoony!

  • Jeremy Horsley

    People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

    You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

  • http://www.thefourohfive.com/reviews/1325 Lindsay

    Direct quote from the New Moon IMDB trivia page:

    “Actors of the wolf pack went through “wolf camp” together to get buff and bond with each other.”

    I guess what happens at wolf camp stays at wolf camp!

    Here’s my review
    http://www.thefourohfive.com/reviews/1325
    Couldn’t agree more about Bella being a cock-tease. Ace review Spoony!

  • Andrew

    I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

  • Andrew

    I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

  • Andrew

    I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

  • Andrew

    I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

  • Andrew

    I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

  • Andrew

    I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

  • t00bz

    What’s so funny(and oh so very sad) about Bella in the Twilight saga films is that she is almost exactly the same as her character in the books. I still can’t believe I ever though those books were good…

  • t00bz

    What’s so funny(and oh so very sad) about Bella in the Twilight saga films is that she is almost exactly the same as her character in the books. I still can’t believe I ever though those books were good…

  • t00bz

    What’s so funny(and oh so very sad) about Bella in the Twilight saga films is that she is almost exactly the same as her character in the books. I still can’t believe I ever though those books were good…

  • t00bz

    What’s so funny(and oh so very sad) about Bella in the Twilight saga films is that she is almost exactly the same as her character in the books. I still can’t believe I ever though those books were good…

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    @ Sturmovik and everyone who wants fuel for the fire

    Let me tell you about Mormons, and Christians, but Mormons in general. Men are the leaders, whether they want to be or not. Men have all the authority, but women have to follow no matter what. They cannot be independent in any way shape or form. Which makes me have to say that these series of books seem so fitting to that idea if you look at Bella. So torn to pieces because she can’t have a man, pretty much saying that if you don’t have a man that your completely worthless and have no purpose in life.

    The entire Mormon religious branch is like this, I was there, and I no longer believe this, in fact despite being a man I don’t believe men should lead women. Hell if your going to be in a relationship, that in itself, looking at it as a business, the relationship should be a complete partnership between the two respective parties. I don’t mean to make love look like some economical and official investment deals that you’d have to go out and wear a business suit for, if you understand my meaning, but just making it somewhat logical.

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    @ Sturmovik and everyone who wants fuel for the fire

    Let me tell you about Mormons, and Christians, but Mormons in general. Men are the leaders, whether they want to be or not. Men have all the authority, but women have to follow no matter what. They cannot be independent in any way shape or form. Which makes me have to say that these series of books seem so fitting to that idea if you look at Bella. So torn to pieces because she can’t have a man, pretty much saying that if you don’t have a man that your completely worthless and have no purpose in life.

    The entire Mormon religious branch is like this, I was there, and I no longer believe this, in fact despite being a man I don’t believe men should lead women. Hell if your going to be in a relationship, that in itself, looking at it as a business, the relationship should be a complete partnership between the two respective parties. I don’t mean to make love look like some economical and official investment deals that you’d have to go out and wear a business suit for, if you understand my meaning, but just making it somewhat logical.

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    @ Sturmovik and everyone who wants fuel for the fire

    Let me tell you about Mormons, and Christians, but Mormons in general. Men are the leaders, whether they want to be or not. Men have all the authority, but women have to follow no matter what. They cannot be independent in any way shape or form. Which makes me have to say that these series of books seem so fitting to that idea if you look at Bella. So torn to pieces because she can’t have a man, pretty much saying that if you don’t have a man that your completely worthless and have no purpose in life.

    The entire Mormon religious branch is like this, I was there, and I no longer believe this, in fact despite being a man I don’t believe men should lead women. Hell if your going to be in a relationship, that in itself, looking at it as a business, the relationship should be a complete partnership between the two respective parties. I don’t mean to make love look like some economical and official investment deals that you’d have to go out and wear a business suit for, if you understand my meaning, but just making it somewhat logical.

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    @ Sturmovik and everyone who wants fuel for the fire

    Let me tell you about Mormons, and Christians, but Mormons in general. Men are the leaders, whether they want to be or not. Men have all the authority, but women have to follow no matter what. They cannot be independent in any way shape or form. Which makes me have to say that these series of books seem so fitting to that idea if you look at Bella. So torn to pieces because she can’t have a man, pretty much saying that if you don’t have a man that your completely worthless and have no purpose in life.

    The entire Mormon religious branch is like this, I was there, and I no longer believe this, in fact despite being a man I don’t believe men should lead women. Hell if your going to be in a relationship, that in itself, looking at it as a business, the relationship should be a complete partnership between the two respective parties. I don’t mean to make love look like some economical and official investment deals that you’d have to go out and wear a business suit for, if you understand my meaning, but just making it somewhat logical.

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    @ Sturmovik and everyone who wants fuel for the fire

    Let me tell you about Mormons, and Christians, but Mormons in general. Men are the leaders, whether they want to be or not. Men have all the authority, but women have to follow no matter what. They cannot be independent in any way shape or form. Which makes me have to say that these series of books seem so fitting to that idea if you look at Bella. So torn to pieces because she can’t have a man, pretty much saying that if you don’t have a man that your completely worthless and have no purpose in life.

    The entire Mormon religious branch is like this, I was there, and I no longer believe this, in fact despite being a man I don’t believe men should lead women. Hell if your going to be in a relationship, that in itself, looking at it as a business, the relationship should be a complete partnership between the two respective parties. I don’t mean to make love look like some economical and official investment deals that you’d have to go out and wear a business suit for, if you understand my meaning, but just making it somewhat logical.

  • DawnOfMinstrel

    @Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

    There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

  • DawnOfMinstrel

    @Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

    There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

  • DawnOfMinstrel

    @Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

    There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

  • DawnOfMinstrel

    @Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

    There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

  • DawnOfMinstrel

    @Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

    There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

  • DawnOfMinstrel

    @Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

    There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

  • thedeadpool

    All I can say is I cant wait for the rifftrax of this one.

  • Trocadero

    As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

    That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

    Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

  • Trocadero

    As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

    That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

    Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

  • Trocadero

    As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

    That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

    Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

  • Trocadero

    As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

    That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

    Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

  • Trocadero

    As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

    That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

    Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

  • thedeadpool

    All I can say is I cant wait for the rifftrax of this one.

  • Trocadero

    As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

    That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

    Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

  • Kubano

    I pitty girls who make this movies the films of their lifes…Theres maybe a purpose to that…maybe they dont have a life…They want a love story like in this movie and that just stupid…They really want to spend the time wynning about a boy for the rest of their lifes?

    I just dont understand that kind of thinking or non-thinking…

  • Kubano

    I pitty girls who make this movies the films of their lifes…Theres maybe a purpose to that…maybe they dont have a life…They want a love story like in this movie and that just stupid…They really want to spend the time wynning about a boy for the rest of their lifes?

    I just dont understand that kind of thinking or non-thinking…

  • Kubano

    I pitty girls who make this movies the films of their lifes…Theres maybe a purpose to that…maybe they dont have a life…They want a love story like in this movie and that just stupid…They really want to spend the time wynning about a boy for the rest of their lifes?

    I just dont understand that kind of thinking or non-thinking…

  • Kubano

    I pitty girls who make this movies the films of their lifes…Theres maybe a purpose to that…maybe they dont have a life…They want a love story like in this movie and that just stupid…They really want to spend the time wynning about a boy for the rest of their lifes?

    I just dont understand that kind of thinking or non-thinking…

  • Kubano

    I pitty girls who make this movies the films of their lifes…Theres maybe a purpose to that…maybe they dont have a life…They want a love story like in this movie and that just stupid…They really want to spend the time wynning about a boy for the rest of their lifes?

    I just dont understand that kind of thinking or non-thinking…

  • Kevin Holsinger

    Good morning Spoony and fellow Spooners.

    1. Love the screen-grab for this video. THAT’S how you review a movie in under five seconds. Not that I wanted anything less than Epic Spoony for this movie. I’m just saying…
    2. Is it a coincidence that the bar above the video shows a bunch of guys with developed muscles?
    3. 23 Saturn. Very funny.

  • Kevin Holsinger

    Good morning Spoony and fellow Spooners.

    1. Love the screen-grab for this video. THAT’S how you review a movie in under five seconds. Not that I wanted anything less than Epic Spoony for this movie. I’m just saying…
    2. Is it a coincidence that the bar above the video shows a bunch of guys with developed muscles?
    3. 23 Saturn. Very funny.

  • Kevin Holsinger

    Good morning Spoony and fellow Spooners.

    1. Love the screen-grab for this video. THAT’S how you review a movie in under five seconds. Not that I wanted anything less than Epic Spoony for this movie. I’m just saying…
    2. Is it a coincidence that the bar above the video shows a bunch of guys with developed muscles?
    3. 23 Saturn. Very funny.

  • Kubano

    I pitty girls who make this movies the films of their lifes…Theres maybe a purpose to that…maybe they dont have a life…They want a love story like in this movie and that just stupid…They really want to spend the time wynning about a boy for the rest of their lifes?

    I just dont understand that kind of thinking or non-thinking…

  • Kevin Holsinger

    Good morning Spoony and fellow Spooners.

    1. Love the screen-grab for this video. THAT’S how you review a movie in under five seconds. Not that I wanted anything less than Epic Spoony for this movie. I’m just saying…
    2. Is it a coincidence that the bar above the video shows a bunch of guys with developed muscles?
    3. 23 Saturn. Very funny.

  • http://www.scrambledsignal.blip.tv/ Rabbi

    I haven’t watched the video review yet, but I have to commend you for your excellent written notes under it Spoony. I had many of the same thoughts when I scripted my review of the first book, and it truly renders me dumbfounded how anyone can think that Edward and Bella constitute a healthy, happy relationship. She is needy, selfish, and quite possibly mentally damaged, while he is creepy, demanding, and more than a little controlling. The writing is bad, the characters unlikable, and the “love” story a horrible example for all the teenage girls that eat this stuff up. Knowing that this film is breaking box-office records previously held by The Dark Knight is breaking my freaking heart!

  • http://www.scrambledsignal.blip.tv/ Rabbi

    I haven’t watched the video review yet, but I have to commend you for your excellent written notes under it Spoony. I had many of the same thoughts when I scripted my review of the first book, and it truly renders me dumbfounded how anyone can think that Edward and Bella constitute a healthy, happy relationship. She is needy, selfish, and quite possibly mentally damaged, while he is creepy, demanding, and more than a little controlling. The writing is bad, the characters unlikable, and the “love” story a horrible example for all the teenage girls that eat this stuff up. Knowing that this film is breaking box-office records previously held by The Dark Knight is breaking my freaking heart!

  • http://www.scrambledsignal.blip.tv/ Rabbi

    I haven’t watched the video review yet, but I have to commend you for your excellent written notes under it Spoony. I had many of the same thoughts when I scripted my review of the first book, and it truly renders me dumbfounded how anyone can think that Edward and Bella constitute a healthy, happy relationship. She is needy, selfish, and quite possibly mentally damaged, while he is creepy, demanding, and more than a little controlling. The writing is bad, the characters unlikable, and the “love” story a horrible example for all the teenage girls that eat this stuff up. Knowing that this film is breaking box-office records previously held by The Dark Knight is breaking my freaking heart!

  • http://www.scrambledsignal.blip.tv Rabbi

    I haven’t watched the video review yet, but I have to commend you for your excellent written notes under it Spoony. I had many of the same thoughts when I scripted my review of the first book, and it truly renders me dumbfounded how anyone can think that Edward and Bella constitute a healthy, happy relationship. She is needy, selfish, and quite possibly mentally damaged, while he is creepy, demanding, and more than a little controlling. The writing is bad, the characters unlikable, and the “love” story a horrible example for all the teenage girls that eat this stuff up. Knowing that this film is breaking box-office records previously held by The Dark Knight is breaking my freaking heart!

  • coughman

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

  • coughman

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

  • coughman

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

  • coughman

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

  • Marc

    The add above this video tells me how to get a sixpack in four weeks….This is not coincidence is it?

    I’m forced to watch this movie, because my gf is forced to watched it with a friend. I still have one day of sanity left.

  • Marc

    The add above this video tells me how to get a sixpack in four weeks….This is not coincidence is it?

    I’m forced to watch this movie, because my gf is forced to watched it with a friend. I still have one day of sanity left.

  • Marc

    The add above this video tells me how to get a sixpack in four weeks….This is not coincidence is it?

    I’m forced to watch this movie, because my gf is forced to watched it with a friend. I still have one day of sanity left.

  • Marc

    The add above this video tells me how to get a sixpack in four weeks….This is not coincidence is it?

    I’m forced to watch this movie, because my gf is forced to watched it with a friend. I still have one day of sanity left.

  • pharmakos

    She lacks the Delta Brainwave, Bella is Fry. Does that mean Edward is Leela, it would explain the lack of depth perception.

  • pharmakos

    She lacks the Delta Brainwave, Bella is Fry. Does that mean Edward is Leela, it would explain the lack of depth perception.

  • WiredFolf

    “Oh here, why don’t you speak into the mic? *flex* I got the backup mic here too *flex*”

    Holy crap I was laughing my ass off at that. I’ve never heard that before did you make it up Spoony? If you did, brilliant! Even if you didn’t it was the definitive moment of this review for me.

  • WiredFolf

    “Oh here, why don’t you speak into the mic? *flex* I got the backup mic here too *flex*”

    Holy crap I was laughing my ass off at that. I’ve never heard that before did you make it up Spoony? If you did, brilliant! Even if you didn’t it was the definitive moment of this review for me.

  • WiredFolf

    “Oh here, why don’t you speak into the mic? *flex* I got the backup mic here too *flex*”

    Holy crap I was laughing my ass off at that. I’ve never heard that before did you make it up Spoony? If you did, brilliant! Even if you didn’t it was the definitive moment of this review for me.

  • WiredFolf

    “Oh here, why don’t you speak into the mic? *flex* I got the backup mic here too *flex*”

    Holy crap I was laughing my ass off at that. I’ve never heard that before did you make it up Spoony? If you did, brilliant! Even if you didn’t it was the definitive moment of this review for me.

  • Matthew G

    <<>>

    BULLSHIT! Edward is not a monster. He’s Clark Kent and Bella is his kryptonite.

  • Matthew G

    <<>>

    BULLSHIT! Edward is not a monster. He’s Clark Kent and Bella is his kryptonite.

  • Matthew G

    <<>>

    BULLSHIT! Edward is not a monster. He’s Clark Kent and Bella is his kryptonite.

  • Matthew G

    <<>>

    BULLSHIT! Edward is not a monster. He’s Clark Kent and Bella is his kryptonite.

  • Matthew G

    <<>>

    BULLSHIT! Edward is not a monster. He’s Clark Kent and Bella is his kryptonite.

  • Matthew G

    The above comment was messe up for some reason. I wanted to quote this part:

    “Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.”

  • Matthew G

    The above comment was messe up for some reason. I wanted to quote this part:

    “Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.”

  • Matthew G

    The above comment was messe up for some reason. I wanted to quote this part:

    “Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.”

  • Matthew G

    The above comment was messe up for some reason. I wanted to quote this part:

    “Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.”

  • Matthew G

    coughman November 22, 2009 at 8:26 am

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

    Do you have any links?

  • Matthew G

    coughman November 22, 2009 at 8:26 am

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

    Do you have any links?

  • Matthew G

    coughman November 22, 2009 at 8:26 am

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

    Do you have any links?

  • Matthew G

    coughman November 22, 2009 at 8:26 am

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

    Do you have any links?

  • Matthew G

    The above comment was messe up for some reason. I wanted to quote this part:

    “Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.”

  • Matthew G

    coughman November 22, 2009 at 8:26 am

    its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

    Do you have any links?

  • xite

    Great review. The Edward impressions were hilarious. Only bad thing was the shadow of the boom mic on your face got pretty distracting at times.

  • xite

    Great review. The Edward impressions were hilarious. Only bad thing was the shadow of the boom mic on your face got pretty distracting at times.

  • xite

    Great review. The Edward impressions were hilarious. Only bad thing was the shadow of the boom mic on your face got pretty distracting at times.

  • xite

    Great review. The Edward impressions were hilarious. Only bad thing was the shadow of the boom mic on your face got pretty distracting at times.

  • xite

    Great review. The Edward impressions were hilarious. Only bad thing was the shadow of the boom mic on your face got pretty distracting at times.

  • http://celluloidandsilicon.blogspot.com/ Avenging_Mike

    Matthew G

    http://www.robert-pattinson.co.uk/2008/08/23/empire-magazine-first-look-twilight/

    ““When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t to that.””

    That doesn’t exactly sound like he’s a fan.

  • http://celluloidandsilicon.blogspot.com/ Avenging_Mike

    Matthew G

    http://www.robert-pattinson.co.uk/2008/08/23/empire-magazine-first-look-twilight/

    ““When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t to that.””

    That doesn’t exactly sound like he’s a fan.

  • http://celluloidandsilicon.blogspot.com/ Avenging_Mike

    Matthew G

    http://www.robert-pattinson.co.uk/2008/08/23/empire-magazine-first-look-twilight/

    ““When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t to that.””

    That doesn’t exactly sound like he’s a fan.

  • http://celluloidandsilicon.blogspot.com/ Avenging_Mike

    Matthew G

    http://www.robert-pattinson.co.uk/2008/08/23/empire-magazine-first-look-twilight/

    ““When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t to that.””

    That doesn’t exactly sound like he’s a fan.

  • Mikon

    Matthew G

    http://www.robert-pattinson.co.uk/2008/08/23/empire-magazine-first-look-twilight/

    ““When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t to that.””

    That doesn’t exactly sound like he’s a fan.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF UP FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!
    SPOOONYYYYYY!!!!!!

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF UP FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!
    SPOOONYYYYYY!!!!!!

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF UP FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!
    SPOOONYYYYYY!!!!!!

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF UP FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!
    SPOOONYYYYYY!!!!!!

  • UnnyGorey

    SPONNY NIPPLES

    Seriouly, my friend almost wet herself since she has this big crush on you

    Enjoy that bite size bit of information

  • UnnyGorey

    SPONNY NIPPLES

    Seriouly, my friend almost wet herself since she has this big crush on you

    Enjoy that bite size bit of information

  • UnnyGorey

    SPONNY NIPPLES

    Seriouly, my friend almost wet herself since she has this big crush on you

    Enjoy that bite size bit of information

  • Bekefel

    Thank you Spoony, this review enabled me to chokeslam my sisters favourite fucking film without actually having to watch this thing in all of it’s horrible glory. That is how good this review was. At first I believed that the reasons young girls liked this movie was for a intense love story, rich in fantastic writing and emotional scenes, instead I now find that there is in fact a veil of man-meat being cast over their eyes, thus making them completely oblivious to any possible plotholes, bad character development or generally poor storyline. Of course it all makes sense the movie is this way, a woman wrote the story. It’s mostly the same for men when you watch a bad movie but some sex scene with a hot actress makes you forget about it. Simple really, sex sells and all that.

  • Bekefel

    Thank you Spoony, this review enabled me to chokeslam my sisters favourite fucking film without actually having to watch this thing in all of it’s horrible glory. That is how good this review was. At first I believed that the reasons young girls liked this movie was for a intense love story, rich in fantastic writing and emotional scenes, instead I now find that there is in fact a veil of man-meat being cast over their eyes, thus making them completely oblivious to any possible plotholes, bad character development or generally poor storyline. Of course it all makes sense the movie is this way, a woman wrote the story. It’s mostly the same for men when you watch a bad movie but some sex scene with a hot actress makes you forget about it. Simple really, sex sells and all that.

  • Bekefel

    Thank you Spoony, this review enabled me to chokeslam my sisters favourite fucking film without actually having to watch this thing in all of it’s horrible glory. That is how good this review was. At first I believed that the reasons young girls liked this movie was for a intense love story, rich in fantastic writing and emotional scenes, instead I now find that there is in fact a veil of man-meat being cast over their eyes, thus making them completely oblivious to any possible plotholes, bad character development or generally poor storyline. Of course it all makes sense the movie is this way, a woman wrote the story. It’s mostly the same for men when you watch a bad movie but some sex scene with a hot actress makes you forget about it. Simple really, sex sells and all that.

  • Bekefel

    Thank you Spoony, this review enabled me to chokeslam my sisters favourite fucking film without actually having to watch this thing in all of it’s horrible glory. That is how good this review was. At first I believed that the reasons young girls liked this movie was for a intense love story, rich in fantastic writing and emotional scenes, instead I now find that there is in fact a veil of man-meat being cast over their eyes, thus making them completely oblivious to any possible plotholes, bad character development or generally poor storyline. Of course it all makes sense the movie is this way, a woman wrote the story. It’s mostly the same for men when you watch a bad movie but some sex scene with a hot actress makes you forget about it. Simple really, sex sells and all that.

  • Kempe

    Edward Cullin hallucinations? Wow, what great fuel for being a twilight troll. :)

    Also, i FINISHED watching this review at 3:05 in the morning, just as you said it.

    Cosmic.

  • Kempe

    Edward Cullin hallucinations? Wow, what great fuel for being a twilight troll. :)

    Also, i FINISHED watching this review at 3:05 in the morning, just as you said it.

    Cosmic.

  • Kempe

    Edward Cullin hallucinations? Wow, what great fuel for being a twilight troll. :)

    Also, i FINISHED watching this review at 3:05 in the morning, just as you said it.

    Cosmic.

  • Marina

    I read the books just to know what the hype’s about (and because I’m basically addicted to books -_-) and MAN was that stupid! I can’t believe that anybody in their right mind could like this bullcrap.
    It’s dumb, it’s boring and the main character is an asshole and a psychopath. I just don’t get it why books about the innermost wishes of so many people (to be something special or something) have to be so BAD. Another hate-able example would be Harry Potter.
    In my world children’s and teenager’s books aren’t meant to be read by grownups. It just drives them crazy… ;)

    Great review, I really enjoyed it, though I feel soooo sorry for you. Well, at least you got some amusement out of it.

  • Marina

    I read the books just to know what the hype’s about (and because I’m basically addicted to books -_-) and MAN was that stupid! I can’t believe that anybody in their right mind could like this bullcrap.
    It’s dumb, it’s boring and the main character is an asshole and a psychopath. I just don’t get it why books about the innermost wishes of so many people (to be something special or something) have to be so BAD. Another hate-able example would be Harry Potter.
    In my world children’s and teenager’s books aren’t meant to be read by grownups. It just drives them crazy… ;)

    Great review, I really enjoyed it, though I feel soooo sorry for you. Well, at least you got some amusement out of it.

  • Marina

    I read the books just to know what the hype’s about (and because I’m basically addicted to books -_-) and MAN was that stupid! I can’t believe that anybody in their right mind could like this bullcrap.
    It’s dumb, it’s boring and the main character is an asshole and a psychopath. I just don’t get it why books about the innermost wishes of so many people (to be something special or something) have to be so BAD. Another hate-able example would be Harry Potter.
    In my world children’s and teenager’s books aren’t meant to be read by grownups. It just drives them crazy… ;)

    Great review, I really enjoyed it, though I feel soooo sorry for you. Well, at least you got some amusement out of it.

  • Marina

    I read the books just to know what the hype’s about (and because I’m basically addicted to books -_-) and MAN was that stupid! I can’t believe that anybody in their right mind could like this bullcrap.
    It’s dumb, it’s boring and the main character is an asshole and a psychopath. I just don’t get it why books about the innermost wishes of so many people (to be something special or something) have to be so BAD. Another hate-able example would be Harry Potter.
    In my world children’s and teenager’s books aren’t meant to be read by grownups. It just drives them crazy… ;)

    Great review, I really enjoyed it, though I feel soooo sorry for you. Well, at least you got some amusement out of it.

  • James

    If i had to act in that movie id look like I’m in constant pain to.

  • James

    If i had to act in that movie id look like I’m in constant pain to.

  • James

    If i had to act in that movie id look like I’m in constant pain to.

  • James

    If i had to act in that movie id look like I’m in constant pain to.

  • TheGodEmperor

    Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :

  • TheGodEmperor

    Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :

  • TheGodEmperor

    Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :

  • TheGodEmperor

    Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :

  • TheGodEmperor

    Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :

  • TheGodEmperor

    Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :\

  • Moogly

    Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

  • Moogly

    Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

  • Moogly

    Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

  • Moogly

    Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

  • Moogly

    Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

  • Moogly

    Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

  • Big O

    I couldn’t have asked for a better review. I can’t wait to see this movie in a relatively empty theater in about 3 weeks to give it the commentary it deserves.

  • Big O

    I couldn’t have asked for a better review. I can’t wait to see this movie in a relatively empty theater in about 3 weeks to give it the commentary it deserves.

  • Big O

    I couldn’t have asked for a better review. I can’t wait to see this movie in a relatively empty theater in about 3 weeks to give it the commentary it deserves.

  • Mr. Andersen

    Great review. It kept me entertained and laughing all the way through, but I was also expecting especially this one to be so funny, mostly because of all the rage/hype concerning the twilight movies.

  • Mr. Andersen

    Great review. It kept me entertained and laughing all the way through, but I was also expecting especially this one to be so funny, mostly because of all the rage/hype concerning the twilight movies.

  • Mr. Andersen

    Great review. It kept me entertained and laughing all the way through, but I was also expecting especially this one to be so funny, mostly because of all the rage/hype concerning the twilight movies.

  • Mecahawk

    hank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

  • Mecahawk

    hank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

  • Mecahawk

    hank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

  • Mecahawk

    Thank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

  • Mecahawk

    Thank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

  • Mecahawk

    Thank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

  • Gorgle

    If I knew someone who actually liked this movie I would force them to watch this review.

    I also notice the ads while you were talking about how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
    http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/7874/newmoonmusclesandtittie.jpg

  • Gorgle

    If I knew someone who actually liked this movie I would force them to watch this review.

    I also notice the ads while you were talking about how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
    http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/7874/newmoonmusclesandtittie.jpg

  • Gorgle

    If I knew someone who actually liked this movie I would force them to watch this review.

    I also notice the ads while you were talking about how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
    http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/7874/newmoonmusclesandtittie.jpg

  • Gorgle

    If I knew someone who actually liked this movie I would force them to watch this review.

    I also notice the ads while you were talking about how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
    http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/7874/newmoonmusclesandtittie.jpg

  • Masa Rini

    You have fans making that noise!

  • Masa Rini

    You have fans making that noise!

  • Isikien

    Porn for girls is exactly what I thought of it.
    Look at it this way, girls dont think of porn the same way men do. They like window dressing. Shit loads of window dressing. The shitty plot and acting in twilight and new moon is that window dressing. It’s often why a girl cant sit down in front of teh internet and have a good ole wank.

    It’s incredibly prominent in erotic literature as well.

  • Isikien

    Porn for girls is exactly what I thought of it.
    Look at it this way, girls dont think of porn the same way men do. They like window dressing. Shit loads of window dressing. The shitty plot and acting in twilight and new moon is that window dressing. It’s often why a girl cant sit down in front of teh internet and have a good ole wank.

    It’s incredibly prominent in erotic literature as well.

  • Isikien

    Porn for girls is exactly what I thought of it.
    Look at it this way, girls dont think of porn the same way men do. They like window dressing. Shit loads of window dressing. The shitty plot and acting in twilight and new moon is that window dressing. It’s often why a girl cant sit down in front of teh internet and have a good ole wank.

    It’s incredibly prominent in erotic literature as well.

  • Aitruis

    The director I used to work for had a name for this kind of production:

    Tragery.

  • Aitruis

    The director I used to work for had a name for this kind of production:

    Tragery.

  • Aitruis

    The director I used to work for had a name for this kind of production:

    Tragery.

  • http://www.myspace.com/8140779 David K.

    My Girlfriend loves it not me but I did have a good laugh riffing and bashing on the movie here and there, I’m suprised nobody bothered to question Jacob’s male family members on why they look and dress like shirtless GQ Models. And let’s not forget the Product Placement with a Burgar King bag in the background at the theatre or the Virgin Mobile Plane to Italy. haha

  • http://www.myspace.com/8140779 David K.

    My Girlfriend loves it not me but I did have a good laugh riffing and bashing on the movie here and there, I’m suprised nobody bothered to question Jacob’s male family members on why they look and dress like shirtless GQ Models. And let’s not forget the Product Placement with a Burgar King bag in the background at the theatre or the Virgin Mobile Plane to Italy. haha

  • http://www.myspace.com/8140779 David K.

    My Girlfriend loves it not me but I did have a good laugh riffing and bashing on the movie here and there, I’m suprised nobody bothered to question Jacob’s male family members on why they look and dress like shirtless GQ Models. And let’s not forget the Product Placement with a Burgar King bag in the background at the theatre or the Virgin Mobile Plane to Italy. haha

  • Emperor_Z

    I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

  • Emperor_Z

    I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

  • Emperor_Z

    I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

  • Emperor_Z

    I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

  • Emperor_Z

    I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

  • Emperor_Z

    I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

  • TheTiege

    Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

    But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

  • TheTiege

    Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

    But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

  • TheTiege

    Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

    But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

  • TheTiege

    Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

    But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

  • TheTiege

    Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

    But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

  • TheTiege

    Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

    But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

  • TheGodEmperor

    Oh, about mixed signals, read this

    http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/07/nice_guys/index.html

    Women give mixed signals all the damn time… they do it cause they’re morons. Sure it’s how they’ve been “raised to act” but they can’t see the logic of how it doesn’t do any good is fucking stupid. But women are stupid….

  • TheGodEmperor

    Oh, about mixed signals, read this

    http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/07/nice_guys/index.html

    Women give mixed signals all the damn time… they do it cause they’re morons. Sure it’s how they’ve been “raised to act” but they can’t see the logic of how it doesn’t do any good is fucking stupid. But women are stupid….

  • TheGodEmperor

    Oh, about mixed signals, read this

    http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/07/nice_guys/index.html

    Women give mixed signals all the damn time… they do it cause they’re morons. Sure it’s how they’ve been “raised to act” but they can’t see the logic of how it doesn’t do any good is fucking stupid. But women are stupid….

  • TheGodEmperor

    Oh, about mixed signals, read this

    http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/07/nice_guys/index.html

    Women give mixed signals all the damn time… they do it cause they’re morons. Sure it’s how they’ve been “raised to act” but they can’t see the logic of how it doesn’t do any good is fucking stupid. But women are stupid….

  • Kathrin

    This movie definitely isn´t porn for women. It´s a substitute for porn for underage girls. Underage girls without internet access, I guess.
    Btw. this mentality of “being nothing without a man” is horrendously common with young (and sometimes even older) women these days. That still puzzles me. I can only assume that young girls are so used to adapting to their respective boyfriends, that they miss to establish their own personality. But it´s just a theory, anyway.
    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.” Words of wisdom, man, words of wisdom!

  • Kathrin

    This movie definitely isn´t porn for women. It´s a substitute for porn for underage girls. Underage girls without internet access, I guess.
    Btw. this mentality of “being nothing without a man” is horrendously common with young (and sometimes even older) women these days. That still puzzles me. I can only assume that young girls are so used to adapting to their respective boyfriends, that they miss to establish their own personality. But it´s just a theory, anyway.
    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.” Words of wisdom, man, words of wisdom!

  • Kathrin

    This movie definitely isn´t porn for women. It´s a substitute for porn for underage girls. Underage girls without internet access, I guess.
    Btw. this mentality of “being nothing without a man” is horrendously common with young (and sometimes even older) women these days. That still puzzles me. I can only assume that young girls are so used to adapting to their respective boyfriends, that they miss to establish their own personality. But it´s just a theory, anyway.
    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.” Words of wisdom, man, words of wisdom!

  • Kathrin

    This movie definitely isn´t porn for women. It´s a substitute for porn for underage girls. Underage girls without internet access, I guess.
    Btw. this mentality of “being nothing without a man” is horrendously common with young (and sometimes even older) women these days. That still puzzles me. I can only assume that young girls are so used to adapting to their respective boyfriends, that they miss to establish their own personality. But it´s just a theory, anyway.
    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.” Words of wisdom, man, words of wisdom!

  • Matrim

    You definitely need to do this more often. Your best reviews are the ones where you just turn the camera on and rant for an hour. Don’t get me wrong, I like your other stuff, but this is choice. I’ve probably watched the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull review 5 times now, and I’ll probably watch this one just as many times. Seriously, do these more often, it’d be awesome!

  • Matrim

    You definitely need to do this more often. Your best reviews are the ones where you just turn the camera on and rant for an hour. Don’t get me wrong, I like your other stuff, but this is choice. I’ve probably watched the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull review 5 times now, and I’ll probably watch this one just as many times. Seriously, do these more often, it’d be awesome!

  • whiteandornerdy

    Wow, I actually want to see it now to see if it truly is hilarious!
    Oh, and I thought I was the only one who HATED indie rock like in this movie…

  • whiteandornerdy

    Wow, I actually want to see it now to see if it truly is hilarious!
    Oh, and I thought I was the only one who HATED indie rock like in this movie…

  • http://random-ninja-attack.blogspot.com/ the Random Ninja 5

    I haven’t seen this one… yet, and I haven’t read the books; why? Spoony has basically spelled out my answer, yet people (I should say girls) don’t understand why I don’t want to read these books they hold so high on a pedestal. They’re not good. I’ve been subjected to the audiobook version which is read by the author. The way it is written coupled with her tone of voice is totally off-putting to me. These books are written in the most self-absorbed, pride-ridden, obnoxious, I’m-the-only-one-that-matters-and-no-one-else-has-problems tone it just makes me want to DESTROY THE WORLD! Don’t believe me… just count how many times the phrase “I can’t believe this is happening to me” pops up (or any phrase along those lines) it makes me sick. I can understand saying it once, maybe twice. But its all through these damn things. Spoony’s right, Bella is a self-absorbed brat who wants something she should not have. Their “relationship” took off way too fast and She has no qualms about him being a Fucking Vampire! I don’t know about you but I’d have some reservations about dating an undead being who can kill me in soo many different ways. And why are the native americans werewolves? Are all native americans werewolves? If so that would make me a fucking werewolf…. actually that would be kind of cool. Before I ramble on too long: Spoony, I feel your pain. I’m going to be dragged into this movie later this week. I’m not looking forward to it. Great Review Spoonyman!

  • qwert

    You make this sound like a really amusing movie. I guess I’ll just wait for the Rifftrax.

  • http://random-ninja-attack.blogspot.com/ the Random Ninja 5

    I haven’t seen this one… yet, and I haven’t read the books; why? Spoony has basically spelled out my answer, yet people (I should say girls) don’t understand why I don’t want to read these books they hold so high on a pedestal. They’re not good. I’ve been subjected to the audiobook version which is read by the author. The way it is written coupled with her tone of voice is totally off-putting to me. These books are written in the most self-absorbed, pride-ridden, obnoxious, I’m-the-only-one-that-matters-and-no-one-else-has-problems tone it just makes me want to DESTROY THE WORLD! Don’t believe me… just count how many times the phrase “I can’t believe this is happening to me” pops up (or any phrase along those lines) it makes me sick. I can understand saying it once, maybe twice. But its all through these damn things. Spoony’s right, Bella is a self-absorbed brat who wants something she should not have. Their “relationship” took off way too fast and She has no qualms about him being a Fucking Vampire! I don’t know about you but I’d have some reservations about dating an undead being who can kill me in soo many different ways. And why are the native americans werewolves? Are all native americans werewolves? If so that would make me a fucking werewolf…. actually that would be kind of cool. Before I ramble on too long: Spoony, I feel your pain. I’m going to be dragged into this movie later this week. I’m not looking forward to it. Great Review Spoonyman!

  • qwert

    You make this sound like a really amusing movie. I guess I’ll just wait for the Rifftrax.

  • A&W

    Damn it I have to get me some A&W now!! Awesome review spoony :D You are so right from start to finnish.

  • A&W

    Damn it I have to get me some A&W now!! Awesome review spoony :D You are so right from start to finnish.

  • SImbad

    Great review Spoony, I started following you because of the LP Fantasmagoria but I stay for shit like this

  • SImbad

    Great review Spoony, I started following you because of the LP Fantasmagoria but I stay for shit like this

  • VolatileSeraph

    I hate using the word… but that was epic… excellent job!

  • VolatileSeraph

    I hate using the word… but that was epic… excellent job!

  • vice

    i am going to ride this motercycel !
    some how that line cracked me up

  • vice

    i am going to ride this motercycel !
    some how that line cracked me up

  • Ryan

    I haven’t read all the comments, so maybe this has been brought up before. The thing about Bella being so shallow and selfish (since it is just an exaggeration of the behavior of the primary target audience: teenage girls) would be acceptable if the series was about her figuring out her priorities and getting her shit together. But from what I’ve heard of the other books (I haven’t read them, cause I’m not an idiot), it’s not. Bella doesn’t have a character arc. If she were to start out selfish and over the series become a stronger, more independent woman, then that would actually be a REALLY GOOD lesson for today’s tween girls reading this.

  • Ryan

    I haven’t read all the comments, so maybe this has been brought up before. The thing about Bella being so shallow and selfish (since it is just an exaggeration of the behavior of the primary target audience: teenage girls) would be acceptable if the series was about her figuring out her priorities and getting her shit together. But from what I’ve heard of the other books (I haven’t read them, cause I’m not an idiot), it’s not. Bella doesn’t have a character arc. If she were to start out selfish and over the series become a stronger, more independent woman, then that would actually be a REALLY GOOD lesson for today’s tween girls reading this.

  • Mara

    Right fucking on, SpoonyOne!

    I’m a girl- and I *hate, hate hate* Twilight. I got so far reading the first book (purely out of curiosity to see what the big Hate-On was about) as “She said her goodbyes to the sun.” Even my lesbian parents thought the writing was over-the-top bad.

    And you’re spot on about Bella. I went to school with her, I think. (Or rather, girls like Bella who probably loved this movie for that reason.)

    The short-sighted self-obsessed co-dependent irrational martydom that is Bella is all the worse qualities we ladies have.

    Like, ew.

    Keep bringing it, Spoony. Great review! Get Fair Lady Scarlett some flowers though.

  • Mara

    Right fucking on, SpoonyOne!

    I’m a girl- and I *hate, hate hate* Twilight. I got so far reading the first book (purely out of curiosity to see what the big Hate-On was about) as “She said her goodbyes to the sun.” Even my lesbian parents thought the writing was over-the-top bad.

    And you’re spot on about Bella. I went to school with her, I think. (Or rather, girls like Bella who probably loved this movie for that reason.)

    The short-sighted self-obsessed co-dependent irrational martydom that is Bella is all the worse qualities we ladies have.

    Like, ew.

    Keep bringing it, Spoony. Great review! Get Fair Lady Scarlett some flowers though.

  • Disthron

    Mutants = Homosexuals?! What? Ok I could maybe see the werewolf pack thing being spoofed as gay but….

    Ok I remember that line “have you ever tried not being a mutant” but I probably would have never made that connection. But I can see it now that you’ve pointed it out.

    When I went to see this the night it came out the exact same thing happened when the native American guy took his shirt off the first time. Also, every now and again I’d take a look around at the audiance and the girls seemed to be just enraptured. And I have to say, that guy’s muscle was pretty dam impressive. I mean god dam that guy was buff! With that big goofy smile and the dimple in his chin, if I didn’t know better I’d say he was some kind of CG character based on the dashing hero stereotype. It was surreal just how buff this guy was.

    I have to say I loved your impressions and they were in full force during this review.

  • Disthron

    Mutants = Homosexuals?! What? Ok I could maybe see the werewolf pack thing being spoofed as gay but….

    Ok I remember that line “have you ever tried not being a mutant” but I probably would have never made that connection. But I can see it now that you’ve pointed it out.

    When I went to see this the night it came out the exact same thing happened when the native American guy took his shirt off the first time. Also, every now and again I’d take a look around at the audiance and the girls seemed to be just enraptured. And I have to say, that guy’s muscle was pretty dam impressive. I mean god dam that guy was buff! With that big goofy smile and the dimple in his chin, if I didn’t know better I’d say he was some kind of CG character based on the dashing hero stereotype. It was surreal just how buff this guy was.

    I have to say I loved your impressions and they were in full force during this review.

  • Trekkie313

    Here is more proof of Pattinson hates Twilight http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/1/14/Emptwi4.jpg

  • Trekkie313

    Here is more proof of Pattinson hates Twilight http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/1/14/Emptwi4.jpg

  • Rad86

    Thank you Spoony! You really summed up what I was thinking about Bella. The rest I hadn’t thought of b4 lol. Yeah I mean if you like to see hunky shirtless dudes there are better ways

  • Rad86

    Thank you Spoony! You really summed up what I was thinking about Bella. The rest I hadn’t thought of b4 lol. Yeah I mean if you like to see hunky shirtless dudes there are better ways

  • Kathrin

    Oh, I forgot to mention this in my previous comment: Noah, I thoroughly enjoyed your review due to its details, but if you haven´t already done it, check out the CinemaSnobs… err… Brad´s… err… just go to the CinemaSnob´s site and watch the review of New Moon! Much, much less detailed, but absolutely hilarious. Loved your review anyway!

  • Ford

    Longtime reader, first time commentor.

    Man, I probably laughed harder at this review than any other video you’ve ever done! You really summed up my feelings for this whole series better than I could ever dream of expressing. I consider myself one of the thousands of husbands/boyfriends (husband in my case) around the country who have been subjected to this nonsense by their significant other, and do I feel sorry for everyone dragged to see this against their will.

    Look, I really do believe in my heart that women should get to look at muscly men as much as I should get to look at titties. I really do. My whole problem with this is that it really sends a horrible message to the teenage girls who eat this shit up with a spoon. Bella is NOT a role model. She is every horrible adjective you used to describe her. Yeah, I understand that the author of these books is Mormon and that in the Mormon culture women are lead by men and all that. I don’t agree with it, but I can understand it. However, that doesn’t excuse that these books are almost like an instruction manual on how to manipulate a man emotionally. Look, almost every guy I’ve ever met has been led on by a woman only to be told he’s “just a friend,” or that she’s just not that in to him. It happens, and it sucks. If you’re going to have a plot line like that in a film, that’s marketed to tweens and teens, don’t you think that there should be a moral or something that is kind of behavior isn’t acceptable? Sounds like the moral of this plotline is “If you make a man think you’re interested in him, he will buy you things and do stuff for you without ever actually having to be physical or enter a relationship.” Yeah, that’s healthy.

    The other moral of this story for girls is, “If you are dumped, you should never, ever, ever get over it. He might come back.” That is just completely unhealthy and unrealistic. I will personally guarantee you that right as I am typing there is some dumb impressionable girl somewhere in America who got dumped by her boyfriend who is thinking that this guy is going to be “her Edward” and come crawling back to her to tell her how much he loves her. Look, adults and even some 17-18 year olds are quite well adjusted and smart enough to know better, but again this movie is huge with the 12-13 year old set who are getting into the whole first love part of their life and honestly don’t know any better. This movie celebrates a character who spent 3 months moping around acting emotionally distant to anyone even remotely interested in her and engaging in dangerous behavior in the hopes of sparking hallucinations of the lost love in her life in her head. That’s just twisted and deranged! Characters like Bella should be seeking professional help, not being given what they want at the end of the movie! Than we she gets the guy back, she sits around and whines to him constantly! I hate this movie!!!!

    My head hurts…I need to lie down.

  • Kathrin

    Oh, I forgot to mention this in my previous comment: Noah, I thoroughly enjoyed your review due to its details, but if you haven´t already done it, check out the CinemaSnobs… err… Brad´s… err… just go to the CinemaSnob´s site and watch the review of New Moon! Much, much less detailed, but absolutely hilarious. Loved your review anyway!

  • Ford

    Longtime reader, first time commentor.

    Man, I probably laughed harder at this review than any other video you’ve ever done! You really summed up my feelings for this whole series better than I could ever dream of expressing. I consider myself one of the thousands of husbands/boyfriends (husband in my case) around the country who have been subjected to this nonsense by their significant other, and do I feel sorry for everyone dragged to see this against their will.

    Look, I really do believe in my heart that women should get to look at muscly men as much as I should get to look at titties. I really do. My whole problem with this is that it really sends a horrible message to the teenage girls who eat this shit up with a spoon. Bella is NOT a role model. She is every horrible adjective you used to describe her. Yeah, I understand that the author of these books is Mormon and that in the Mormon culture women are lead by men and all that. I don’t agree with it, but I can understand it. However, that doesn’t excuse that these books are almost like an instruction manual on how to manipulate a man emotionally. Look, almost every guy I’ve ever met has been led on by a woman only to be told he’s “just a friend,” or that she’s just not that in to him. It happens, and it sucks. If you’re going to have a plot line like that in a film, that’s marketed to tweens and teens, don’t you think that there should be a moral or something that is kind of behavior isn’t acceptable? Sounds like the moral of this plotline is “If you make a man think you’re interested in him, he will buy you things and do stuff for you without ever actually having to be physical or enter a relationship.” Yeah, that’s healthy.

    The other moral of this story for girls is, “If you are dumped, you should never, ever, ever get over it. He might come back.” That is just completely unhealthy and unrealistic. I will personally guarantee you that right as I am typing there is some dumb impressionable girl somewhere in America who got dumped by her boyfriend who is thinking that this guy is going to be “her Edward” and come crawling back to her to tell her how much he loves her. Look, adults and even some 17-18 year olds are quite well adjusted and smart enough to know better, but again this movie is huge with the 12-13 year old set who are getting into the whole first love part of their life and honestly don’t know any better. This movie celebrates a character who spent 3 months moping around acting emotionally distant to anyone even remotely interested in her and engaging in dangerous behavior in the hopes of sparking hallucinations of the lost love in her life in her head. That’s just twisted and deranged! Characters like Bella should be seeking professional help, not being given what they want at the end of the movie! Than we she gets the guy back, she sits around and whines to him constantly! I hate this movie!!!!

    My head hurts…I need to lie down.

  • Jaz

    No offense spoony and even though I love ya, of course you have never heard a woman make that sound before.

  • Jaz

    No offense spoony and even though I love ya, of course you have never heard a woman make that sound before.

  • http://forums.wolverinefiles.com/site/ Gorvar

    During the summer i worked alongside a Twilight fan, who admited the first film was not that great (it didn’t suck to her), so i asked ‘Why do you like Twilight?’
    She replied ‘because of the relationships between Bella, Edward and Jacob’.
    ….
    This is the reason why Annita Blake sucks now, because of the ‘relationships’.
    if you want a threesome with a vampire and a werewolf, just f-ing do it, dont pull their dicks around.

  • http://www.boredomsedge.com ObieWanCoyote

    Wow, sounds like Spoony’s in the same boat as I am without the kids and ring =P. Welcome to the sandbox Spoony and as all newcomers to the box are instructed, “Embrace the suck, and let it flow over you so you can keep trudging along!” Think of a happy place and concentrate on it… don’t pay attention to the movie and you’ll be ok =P

    Best wishes even if you can’t return an e-mail in six years -OWC

  • http://forums.wolverinefiles.com/site/ Gorvar

    During the summer i worked alongside a Twilight fan, who admited the first film was not that great (it didn’t suck to her), so i asked ‘Why do you like Twilight?’
    She replied ‘because of the relationships between Bella, Edward and Jacob’.
    ….
    This is the reason why Annita Blake sucks now, because of the ‘relationships’.
    if you want a threesome with a vampire and a werewolf, just f-ing do it, dont pull their dicks around.

  • http://www.boredomsedge.com ObieWanCoyote

    Wow, sounds like Spoony’s in the same boat as I am without the kids and ring =P. Welcome to the sandbox Spoony and as all newcomers to the box are instructed, “Embrace the suck, and let it flow over you so you can keep trudging along!” Think of a happy place and concentrate on it… don’t pay attention to the movie and you’ll be ok =P

    Best wishes even if you can’t return an e-mail in six years -OWC

  • Artimus

    To be fair, most of our high school crushes never involved THIS degree of selfishness and unlikability. Alot of people, even myself unfortunately, have been mopey and whiny because of a relationship, but you’d think she’s grieving over the death of the whole fucking world, you know?

    You know, I hate it when people jump on a bandwagon to hate the shit out of something when they haven’t seen it, but coming from someone who has, and an actual explanation beyond “sparkley vampires” is a good reason that this movie just exudes psychopathic unlikability just so some teenage twats can write “OMG THIS MOVIE SI BETTR THN ANI THIN ELSE IN TEH WORLD!!!!111!!” on their cell phones.

    Anyway, these vlogs are damn good. Thanks!

  • Dennis

    zing!

  • Artimus

    To be fair, most of our high school crushes never involved THIS degree of selfishness and unlikability. Alot of people, even myself unfortunately, have been mopey and whiny because of a relationship, but you’d think she’s grieving over the death of the whole fucking world, you know?

    You know, I hate it when people jump on a bandwagon to hate the shit out of something when they haven’t seen it, but coming from someone who has, and an actual explanation beyond “sparkley vampires” is a good reason that this movie just exudes psychopathic unlikability just so some teenage twats can write “OMG THIS MOVIE SI BETTR THN ANI THIN ELSE IN TEH WORLD!!!!111!!” on their cell phones.

    Anyway, these vlogs are damn good. Thanks!

  • Dennis

    zing!

  • Sandra

    Have you even read the books? If not, shut up about Stephenie Meyer and yell at the editor instead.

  • Sandra

    Have you even read the books? If not, shut up about Stephenie Meyer and yell at the editor instead.

  • Unrefined-Nemesis

    Well that sums everything up, I’m saying my 8 bucks from this movie.

  • Jordi

    Man, even as a whiney mopey teenage girl at times over the person I love, I’ve never ever gotten that bad. Hell, when I’m sad I go out with people. Fuck Bella, man. She’s so clingy and dependent.

  • Unrefined-Nemesis

    Well that sums everything up, I’m saying my 8 bucks from this movie.

  • Jordi

    Man, even as a whiney mopey teenage girl at times over the person I love, I’ve never ever gotten that bad. Hell, when I’m sad I go out with people. Fuck Bella, man. She’s so clingy and dependent.

  • dood

    I still haven’t seen the first one because I fell asleep halfway through it (no joke).
    I guess I didn’t really miss anything though.

  • dood

    I still haven’t seen the first one because I fell asleep halfway through it (no joke).
    I guess I didn’t really miss anything though.

  • Wayne

    ..and this is why I am daily voting you Funniest Person to Follow in the OpenWeb awards. I dated a girl who liked Twilight way too much. She thinks she added the real Robert Pattinson on Facebook…. without realising that about 320 other people have made profiles with his face on it. She’s like, I sent him a message and he said its him. I replied with… so you sent a message to an inbox and a person on the other end with a keyboard responded. I assumed the person she was talking to was middle aged and covered in cheeto dust hoping that 20 something girls would talk to him. I broke up with her because of her obsession… and she’s still going on with it. Glad I escaped the crazy.

  • Professor Centipede

    This review is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

    Long live the king of snark!

  • Wayne

    ..and this is why I am daily voting you Funniest Person to Follow in the OpenWeb awards. I dated a girl who liked Twilight way too much. She thinks she added the real Robert Pattinson on Facebook…. without realising that about 320 other people have made profiles with his face on it. She’s like, I sent him a message and he said its him. I replied with… so you sent a message to an inbox and a person on the other end with a keyboard responded. I assumed the person she was talking to was middle aged and covered in cheeto dust hoping that 20 something girls would talk to him. I broke up with her because of her obsession… and she’s still going on with it. Glad I escaped the crazy.

  • Professor Centipede

    This review is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

    Long live the king of snark!

  • Lucia

    Spoony, that part about “I’m nothing without him of woe is me” camera pan time elapse was even worse in the books, where there were BLANK. PAGES. with just the months written on them. It was fucking ridiculous. Stephanie Meyer’s wasted how much paper on Bella’s whingy bitch moping? Augh.

    I’m kinda happily surprised you noted the extremely sexist tones to the books (and brought up the not-oft mentioned sexism towards MEN which slides under the radar a lot). Most guys I know who are aware of Twilight never notice those disturbing messages, which is depressing in of itself.

    Poor Jacob. I mean, before “Eclipse”, he’s really such a nice kid and the werewolves are infinitely more interesting than the vampires, and the entire book/movie is POINTLESS because it’s supposed to be the Jacob/Bella story but since she pretty much tells him she’s never gonna care for him… WHY DOES THIS STORY EXIST.

    Also, the entire Jacob//Bella thing gets fucking creepy if you know what happens in Breaking Dawn, Spoony. I’m just saying. It’s just…. EW.

    Anyway. As a fanhater of this series, I do go on about it. I’m sorry you were subjected to this crap.

  • Lucia

    Spoony, that part about “I’m nothing without him of woe is me” camera pan time elapse was even worse in the books, where there were BLANK. PAGES. with just the months written on them. It was fucking ridiculous. Stephanie Meyer’s wasted how much paper on Bella’s whingy bitch moping? Augh.

    I’m kinda happily surprised you noted the extremely sexist tones to the books (and brought up the not-oft mentioned sexism towards MEN which slides under the radar a lot). Most guys I know who are aware of Twilight never notice those disturbing messages, which is depressing in of itself.

    Poor Jacob. I mean, before “Eclipse”, he’s really such a nice kid and the werewolves are infinitely more interesting than the vampires, and the entire book/movie is POINTLESS because it’s supposed to be the Jacob/Bella story but since she pretty much tells him she’s never gonna care for him… WHY DOES THIS STORY EXIST.

    Also, the entire Jacob//Bella thing gets fucking creepy if you know what happens in Breaking Dawn, Spoony. I’m just saying. It’s just…. EW.

    Anyway. As a fanhater of this series, I do go on about it. I’m sorry you were subjected to this crap.

  • theabasementbasement

    Worse soundtracks than this: “Family Business” (with Sean Connery, Dustin Hoffman, and Matthew Broderick; worst orchestral score ever created) and “Spiderman 3″ (which is really similar to this movie in terms of adding no energy at all to the movie).

  • theabasementbasement

    Worse soundtracks than this: “Family Business” (with Sean Connery, Dustin Hoffman, and Matthew Broderick; worst orchestral score ever created) and “Spiderman 3″ (which is really similar to this movie in terms of adding no energy at all to the movie).

  • Anonymous

    VERY funny review, Spoony, but what is up with the shadow casted over your face?? I kept thinking you had like a little gargoyle statue perched up on your book shelf, or like a boom mic that was casting a shadow… it was kind of distracting.

    Have to agree with you that part way through the movie, you can’t help but think what is so great about this girl?? She is just so incredibly dull and boring… and like you say, she is VERY selfish. I think she had to be this way though, or there would be no story. If she was like a normal, decent person who could think for even a second about how her actions affect others, the story would have ended a long time ago.

  • Will

    VERY funny review, Spoony, but what is up with the shadow casted over your face?? I kept thinking you had like a little gargoyle statue perched up on your book shelf, or like a boom mic that was casting a shadow… it was kind of distracting.

    Have to agree with you that part way through the movie, you can’t help but think what is so great about this girl?? She is just so incredibly dull and boring… and like you say, she is VERY selfish. I think she had to be this way though, or there would be no story. If she was like a normal, decent person who could think for even a second about how her actions affect others, the story would have ended a long time ago.

  • Matthew G

    “Here is more proof of Pattinson hates Twilight http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/1/14/Emptwi4.jpg

    More like “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. I’m not sure if I ever declared “Damn you Robert Pattinson” after watching the hype around him, but I think I didn’t. If I ever did, I must apologize. If you are the type of person to uter the words quoted in the link, you are the type of person that deserves respect.

  • Matthew G

    “Here is more proof of Pattinson hates Twilight http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/1/14/Emptwi4.jpg

    More like “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. I’m not sure if I ever declared “Damn you Robert Pattinson” after watching the hype around him, but I think I didn’t. If I ever did, I must apologize. If you are the type of person to uter the words quoted in the link, you are the type of person that deserves respect.

  • RSHabroptilus

    I had to read & study this book (i.e., Twilight and just Twilight) in the classroom setting. :|

    Atrocious writing notwithstanding, the themes are just fucked up and disturbing.

  • RSHabroptilus

    I had to read & study this book (i.e., Twilight and just Twilight) in the classroom setting. :|

    Atrocious writing notwithstanding, the themes are just fucked up and disturbing.

  • darthmj94

    TY spoony i needed this. these movies are the worst in the world and i need to ask MUFFINS! how much do movies need to empesiz on muffins 5 scenes with muffins is not nesecary and my freinds never call and say “come over i made muffins”

  • darthmj94

    TY spoony i needed this. these movies are the worst in the world and i need to ask MUFFINS! how much do movies need to empesiz on muffins 5 scenes with muffins is not nesecary and my freinds never call and say “come over i made muffins”

  • Quicksilver

    Damn I really want a muffin now. Thanks alot, Spoony, thanks alot.

  • http://mi-sh-mash.blogspot.com/ K-Lapp

    Great review Spoony

  • Quicksilver

    Damn I really want a muffin now. Thanks alot, Spoony, thanks alot.

  • http://mi-sh-mash.blogspot.com/ K-Lapp

    Great review Spoony

  • Anomouse
  • Anomouse
  • JKjoker

    The conclusion to the vlog is just genius, every freaking time i watch a movie and they start with the “sex scene” im rolling my eyes and screaming “IF I WANTED PORN I WOULD BE WATCHING FREAKING PORN”, sex scenes dont add anything to the narrative (if you want to show that two characters have the hots for each other a 2 second kiss or maybe even pants dropping followed by a fade out is enough) and most of the time they just crush the pacing of the movie, wtf do they keep doing it ? is the average male so weak against titties that he would pay to suffer for 2 hours just to watch a 5 second shot he could find it with 2 clicks in youtube or find much better actual porn even faster ? its a freaking waste of time

  • Discordius

    Disthron,
    I believe the author himself admited to that allegory of mutants and homossexuals. I mean, just look at Cyclops.

  • JKjoker

    The conclusion to the vlog is just genius, every freaking time i watch a movie and they start with the “sex scene” im rolling my eyes and screaming “IF I WANTED PORN I WOULD BE WATCHING FREAKING PORN”, sex scenes dont add anything to the narrative (if you want to show that two characters have the hots for each other a 2 second kiss or maybe even pants dropping followed by a fade out is enough) and most of the time they just crush the pacing of the movie, wtf do they keep doing it ? is the average male so weak against titties that he would pay to suffer for 2 hours just to watch a 5 second shot he could find it with 2 clicks in youtube or find much better actual porn even faster ? its a freaking waste of time

  • Discordius

    Disthron,
    I believe the author himself admited to that allegory of mutants and homossexuals. I mean, just look at Cyclops.

  • http://Xaotikdesigns.com Adam

    I love how Edward and Bella have the same voice…

  • http://xaotikdesigns.com Adam

    I love how Edward and Bella have the same voice…

  • Chief

    Funny stuff, Spoony. Craziest thing was when you got to the end though and you said it was 3:05am. That’s exactly what time it was for me while watching that part! Spooky?

  • Chief

    Funny stuff, Spoony. Craziest thing was when you got to the end though and you said it was 3:05am. That’s exactly what time it was for me while watching that part! Spooky?

  • gantzsurvivor1

    Awesome review. I couldnt help but laugh when u was talking about googling titties. That was funny.

  • gantzsurvivor1

    Awesome review. I couldnt help but laugh when u was talking about googling titties. That was funny.

  • http://www.youtube.com/mskull01 MSkull01

    By far your best vlog yet. I agree with everything that you said in this video, especially the parts about Bella.

    Also, since when was stalking someone, watching them sleep, and committing suicidal acts because of them considered romantic. In my Health class, they taught us that those were signs of an unhealthy relationship. Since when did this be considered “true love”? This definition of “true love” does NOT work out at all in the real world.

    If anyone does believe that this is “true love”, please get some help immediately.

  • http://www.youtube.com/mskull01 MSkull01

    By far your best vlog yet. I agree with everything that you said in this video, especially the parts about Bella.

    Also, since when was stalking someone, watching them sleep, and committing suicidal acts because of them considered romantic. In my Health class, they taught us that those were signs of an unhealthy relationship. Since when did this be considered “true love”? This definition of “true love” does NOT work out at all in the real world.

    If anyone does believe that this is “true love”, please get some help immediately.

  • BenRGamer

    Five letters, one word. O-w-n-e-d.

  • BenRGamer

    Five letters, one word. O-w-n-e-d.

  • http://www.myspace.com/overthrowermusic Nick

    I haven’t seen either of the Twilight movies, but when you were talking about terrible soundtracks, the one thing that popped in my head was Where The Wild Things Are. Every song was plagued with children’s mouth noise. Ugh.

    Great review, too :)

  • http://www.myspace.com/overthrowermusic Nick

    I haven’t seen either of the Twilight movies, but when you were talking about terrible soundtracks, the one thing that popped in my head was Where The Wild Things Are. Every song was plagued with children’s mouth noise. Ugh.

    Great review, too :)

  • thehivemind33

    I can’t decide if I will go see this movie to laugh at it or not. I think it would be worth it to laugh in the faces of all the Twitards there…then again I think I might get lynched. 0_o Oh well…I have a gun!

    Great review Spoony! I have been waiting for you to tear into this shit pile.

  • thehivemind33

    I can’t decide if I will go see this movie to laugh at it or not. I think it would be worth it to laugh in the faces of all the Twitards there…then again I think I might get lynched. 0_o Oh well…I have a gun!

    Great review Spoony! I have been waiting for you to tear into this shit pile.

  • Andrew Joshua Talon

    Great review of another chapter in Stephanie Meyer’s sick, twisted, epic fail, Spoony. Why does she keep this up? Why must she torture us with this shit? I have no answers…

  • Andrew Joshua Talon

    Great review of another chapter in Stephanie Meyer’s sick, twisted, epic fail, Spoony. Why does she keep this up? Why must she torture us with this shit? I have no answers…

  • Ian

    This was one of ur greatest reviews i loved it many many laughs great job

  • Ian

    This was one of ur greatest reviews i loved it many many laughs great job

  • Phil

    It’s actually a well-documented fact that Pattinson HATES his role as Edward. HATES the books, HATES Meyers, and apparently had no idea what he was getting himself into. In a whole bunch of interviews, he just goes on about how Edward is a loathsome character, and so that was how he played him, and how Meyers came off as insane.

    So maybe that’s why he looks so pained.

  • Joeyb94

    I watched this first one last night, it was fucking terrible and after watching this im certinaly not gonna watch the second one lol

  • Phil

    It’s actually a well-documented fact that Pattinson HATES his role as Edward. HATES the books, HATES Meyers, and apparently had no idea what he was getting himself into. In a whole bunch of interviews, he just goes on about how Edward is a loathsome character, and so that was how he played him, and how Meyers came off as insane.

    So maybe that’s why he looks so pained.

  • Joeyb94

    I watched this first one last night, it was fucking terrible and after watching this im certinaly not gonna watch the second one lol

  • Nathan Russell

    why is it never possible to watch a video on this website until two days after it comes out.

  • Nathan Russell

    why is it never possible to watch a video on this website until two days after it comes out.

  • Captain Smack-Pigeon

    That ain’t even the tip of the iceberg with the problems that not only does Bella have, but also the freakin’ writer. I’ve been told by many people who’ve read the entire series and apparently Meyers has a rape and demon-baby fetish as well as thinking a permanent romance between a newborn and a guy who’s equal to the mother’s side is a-ok.

  • Captain Smack-Pigeon

    That ain’t even the tip of the iceberg with the problems that not only does Bella have, but also the freakin’ writer. I’ve been told by many people who’ve read the entire series and apparently Meyers has a rape and demon-baby fetish as well as thinking a permanent romance between a newborn and a guy who’s equal to the mother’s side is a-ok.

  • Teh1337

    Well done Spoony. I loved your impressions of Insano/Voltuuri, and ghost Edward. Whenever you slipped into those voices I started laughing hysterically and I would enjoy seeing your ghost Cullen sneak into some other reviews to give out safety advice.

    Also @ Andrew Joshua Talen: The answer to your question is simple. Smeyer keeps turning out this garbage for one reason. The money. As long as it stays profitable she will keep rehashing the same story. And now I have that one dumb quote from Spaceballs stuck in my head. “We didn’t do it for the money, we did it for the whole shitload of money.”

  • Teh1337

    Well done Spoony. I loved your impressions of Insano/Voltuuri, and ghost Edward. Whenever you slipped into those voices I started laughing hysterically and I would enjoy seeing your ghost Cullen sneak into some other reviews to give out safety advice.

    Also @ Andrew Joshua Talen: The answer to your question is simple. Smeyer keeps turning out this garbage for one reason. The money. As long as it stays profitable she will keep rehashing the same story. And now I have that one dumb quote from Spaceballs stuck in my head. “We didn’t do it for the money, we did it for the whole shitload of money.”

  • Justin

    Oh man great fucking review I loved you doing Ghost Edward that alone made me to go and see this piece of shit movie for free because my mom got a pass from someone. And the gay Voluturi vampire reminds me a bit of Dr. Insano……only gay!

  • Justin

    Oh man great fucking review I loved you doing Ghost Edward that alone made me to go and see this piece of shit movie for free because my mom got a pass from someone. And the gay Voluturi vampire reminds me a bit of Dr. Insano……only gay!

  • Jaclyn

    Bella Swan and Stephanie Meyer’s other women characters are the most selfish, weak-willed, dependent on men, sexist characters ever. Teenage love aside, I hate Twilight not just because of the terrible writing, but the fact that Bella uses her friends and leads Jason on. What a great lesson to teach tweens. It’s just sad.

    I completely agree with you Spoony.

  • Jaclyn

    Bella Swan and Stephanie Meyer’s other women characters are the most selfish, weak-willed, dependent on men, sexist characters ever. Teenage love aside, I hate Twilight not just because of the terrible writing, but the fact that Bella uses her friends and leads Jason on. What a great lesson to teach tweens. It’s just sad.

    I completely agree with you Spoony.

  • Kurtis

    If you guys think the Twilight romance is contrived… I’m from Salt Lake City… yeah, I’m sorry for me too… If you want to know where all this melodramatic bullshit about what’s “romantic” and “true-love” comes from, I have one suggestion for you… Track down a REAL mormon female and ask her about why she thinks she has to marry a “returned missionary”. “Returned missionary” is basically a term meaning a poor sap who sacrificed 2 years of his/her youth to go somewhere in the world to try to sell people religion. The only reason they think have to marry one is basically because they’re told that from birth… I’ve got tons of stories that relate the Twilight saga to mormon insights… It’s pretty bad…

    Oh, and if you ever wanna read one of the funniest books ever! Next time the mormons come to your door, take the complimentary book of mormon, it’s awesome!! If they ever made a movie of it I’d probably see it opening day just for a good laugh…

  • Kurtis

    If you guys think the Twilight romance is contrived… I’m from Salt Lake City… yeah, I’m sorry for me too… If you want to know where all this melodramatic bullshit about what’s “romantic” and “true-love” comes from, I have one suggestion for you… Track down a REAL mormon female and ask her about why she thinks she has to marry a “returned missionary”. “Returned missionary” is basically a term meaning a poor sap who sacrificed 2 years of his/her youth to go somewhere in the world to try to sell people religion. The only reason they think have to marry one is basically because they’re told that from birth… I’ve got tons of stories that relate the Twilight saga to mormon insights… It’s pretty bad…

    Oh, and if you ever wanna read one of the funniest books ever! Next time the mormons come to your door, take the complimentary book of mormon, it’s awesome!! If they ever made a movie of it I’d probably see it opening day just for a good laugh…

  • http://www.reginaldstpehens.com/ Reginald Stephens

    I busted a gut when you started making comments about why nobody could read Bella’s mind. I knew you were going there as soon as you started the whole bit but I was still laughing my ass off regardless. That’s how good you are, Spoony. Even when I know the punchline is coming you still manage to pull it off and have me rolling on the floor.

    You suffered for us and it is highly appreciated. Long live The Spoony One!

  • http://www.reginaldstpehens.com Reginald Stephens

    I busted a gut when you started making comments about why nobody could read Bella’s mind. I knew you were going there as soon as you started the whole bit but I was still laughing my ass off regardless. That’s how good you are, Spoony. Even when I know the punchline is coming you still manage to pull it off and have me rolling on the floor.

    You suffered for us and it is highly appreciated. Long live The Spoony One!

  • ceramiclion

    Oh noes!
    Spoony nips!

  • ceramiclion

    Oh noes!
    Spoony nips!

  • Viper6390

    I am in shock at how much money this PIECE OF SHIT IS MAKING! New Moon has now officially beaten the Dark Knights single day opening of $67.2 million with $72.7 million and is now the biggest single-day opening in domestic history. JUST WOW! The future of the human race ladies and gentlemen. A movie that is basically softcore porn for teenage girls and has a rotten tomatoes ranking of around 30% makes $72.7 million dollars. I just can’t believe that we are giving our money for shitty movies such as Transformers, X-Men Origins, GI JOE, and this. Has the human race gone backward? Why are we giving money to Hollywood to make such abominations. It’s basically telling Hollywood that they can get away with movies that just focus on explosions, pointless relationships,etc and not have any interesting characters, a good story, and logic. JUST WHY? It makes me want to find Stephanie Myer and Michael Bay and shoot them in the fucking head for making the human race stupid!

  • Viper6390

    I am in shock at how much money this PIECE OF SHIT IS MAKING! New Moon has now officially beaten the Dark Knights single day opening of $67.2 million with $72.7 million and is now the biggest single-day opening in domestic history. JUST WOW! The future of the human race ladies and gentlemen. A movie that is basically softcore porn for teenage girls and has a rotten tomatoes ranking of around 30% makes $72.7 million dollars. I just can’t believe that we are giving our money for shitty movies such as Transformers, X-Men Origins, GI JOE, and this. Has the human race gone backward? Why are we giving money to Hollywood to make such abominations. It’s basically telling Hollywood that they can get away with movies that just focus on explosions, pointless relationships,etc and not have any interesting characters, a good story, and logic. JUST WHY? It makes me want to find Stephanie Myer and Michael Bay and shoot them in the fucking head for making the human race stupid!

  • http://karuiru.deviantart.com/ Carly

    Spoony, you deserve a freaking Purple Heart for watching the entirety of that… I don’t even thing THIS THING deserves the title of ‘movie’… and putting up with the creepy-as-hell fanbase of Twi-tards and Twi-Moms.

    I’ll confess right now that I read all four books just out of curiosity (though upon finishing the train-wreck that SMeyer dubbed “Breaking Dawn”, I abhorred the series with the intensity of a thousand burning suns) and the more I think about the plots in them, the more I hate the books and the series as a whole. This book’s (as well as Breaking Dawn’s) plot is definitely one of the most infuriating things I’ve read in my life; between the wonderful morals SMeyer gives us such as: “Remember, if your “**TWOO LURVE~**” dumps your ass, your whole life and existence ain’t shit without him”, and “Cockteasing and leading on nice guys who genuinely love you just to fulfill your own ulterior motives is alright because guys only think with their man parts when they see a girl”; the plot in which absolutely nothing happens aside from Bella bitching and moaning about the “HOLE IN MY CHEST BAAAWWWWWW” and shirtless werewolf boys who wrestle with each other (then again, SMeyer claims that “she wrote the books for herself”, and she IS a middle-aged housewife with kids, so this could explain quite a bit); the stupid plot devices and contrivances… it pissed me off and I’m sure my IQ dropped a bit and I’m in the target audience for this shit-biscuit of a book series.

    Anyway, your review is one of the best I’ve seen Spoony. It’s a light in a world full of darkness since every single woman seems to be brainwashed by this series and think it’s the best thing ever since sliced bread. Your impressions of Bella, Jacob and Edward “Sparklepants-Rapeface” Cullen were spot on and hilarious, and every single point you made about the sexist themes and piss-poor plot was absolutely correct.

    But you know what’s even worse? Eclipse, the third movie, is coming out this summer… I’m just praying that they don’t make a Breaking Dawn movie because… Oh god… that book was just inexcusable.

  • http://karuiru.deviantart.com/ Carly

    Spoony, you deserve a freaking Purple Heart for watching the entirety of that… I don’t even thing THIS THING deserves the title of ‘movie’… and putting up with the creepy-as-hell fanbase of Twi-tards and Twi-Moms.

    I’ll confess right now that I read all four books just out of curiosity (though upon finishing the train-wreck that SMeyer dubbed “Breaking Dawn”, I abhorred the series with the intensity of a thousand burning suns) and the more I think about the plots in them, the more I hate the books and the series as a whole. This book’s (as well as Breaking Dawn’s) plot is definitely one of the most infuriating things I’ve read in my life; between the wonderful morals SMeyer gives us such as: “Remember, if your “**TWOO LURVE~**” dumps your ass, your whole life and existence ain’t shit without him”, and “Cockteasing and leading on nice guys who genuinely love you just to fulfill your own ulterior motives is alright because guys only think with their man parts when they see a girl”; the plot in which absolutely nothing happens aside from Bella bitching and moaning about the “HOLE IN MY CHEST BAAAWWWWWW” and shirtless werewolf boys who wrestle with each other (then again, SMeyer claims that “she wrote the books for herself”, and she IS a middle-aged housewife with kids, so this could explain quite a bit); the stupid plot devices and contrivances… it pissed me off and I’m sure my IQ dropped a bit and I’m in the target audience for this shit-biscuit of a book series.

    Anyway, your review is one of the best I’ve seen Spoony. It’s a light in a world full of darkness since every single woman seems to be brainwashed by this series and think it’s the best thing ever since sliced bread. Your impressions of Bella, Jacob and Edward “Sparklepants-Rapeface” Cullen were spot on and hilarious, and every single point you made about the sexist themes and piss-poor plot was absolutely correct.

    But you know what’s even worse? Eclipse, the third movie, is coming out this summer… I’m just praying that they don’t make a Breaking Dawn movie because… Oh god… that book was just inexcusable.

  • Xplay3r

    Great reveiw Spoony, funny as hell, and dead on dude.

    Oh and Spoony….
    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.”
    Thank you….

  • Xplay3r

    Great reveiw Spoony, funny as hell, and dead on dude.

    Oh and Spoony….
    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.”
    Thank you….

  • Allison

    Spoony, you are hitting all the right notes here! Bella is so revoltingly codependent and manipulative, it’s sick. It’s amazing that she was once an otherwise normal, albeit bored and angsty, teenage girl whose mind was completely fucked by an emotionally abusive, sparkling, overly Byronic, Mr.Rochester ripoff. And I guess Edward is supposed to be a girl’s fantasy, but I don’t really see the appeal. I was told by other girls that I don’t get it because I can’t relate to it; no, I guess I can’t relate to being a codependent bitch with a dick boyfriend. I guess I’m not emotionally shallow enough to relate to this stuff either.

    I guess what gets all of us fired up, all of us that hate this series, is that people are so stupid and brainless, they buy this shit like it’s purely amazing literature and awesome cinema and we’re offended that our fellow man (and woman) could be that blatantly stupid. There is nothing amazing about the books: they’re poorly written and each book was shit out in a couple months. As if REAL authors can write GOOD books in a couple of months! They’re not researched well, either. They’re just terrible and that bitch is being compared to Anne Rice! How can you compare her to Anne Rice? Rice thoroughly researched for her books and it took her about thirty years to dish them all out! There’s no comparison AT ALL. The movies suck too. The acting is shit and I feel bad saying that, because I’m sure the actors did try given that they had nothing to work with. The soundtrack isn’t memorable, because it seems to rip off a lot of other soundtracks. This series is just terrible! I’m going to stop now, before I wig out and start writing an essay on why the fuck this series sucks so badly and how I’m ashamed about how far humanity has fallen to compare this series to Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights.

    Anyway, great review Spoony and I agree that Twilight is somewhat watchable accompanied by Rifftrax. :)

  • Allison

    Spoony, you are hitting all the right notes here! Bella is so revoltingly codependent and manipulative, it’s sick. It’s amazing that she was once an otherwise normal, albeit bored and angsty, teenage girl whose mind was completely fucked by an emotionally abusive, sparkling, overly Byronic, Mr.Rochester ripoff. And I guess Edward is supposed to be a girl’s fantasy, but I don’t really see the appeal. I was told by other girls that I don’t get it because I can’t relate to it; no, I guess I can’t relate to being a codependent bitch with a dick boyfriend. I guess I’m not emotionally shallow enough to relate to this stuff either.

    I guess what gets all of us fired up, all of us that hate this series, is that people are so stupid and brainless, they buy this shit like it’s purely amazing literature and awesome cinema and we’re offended that our fellow man (and woman) could be that blatantly stupid. There is nothing amazing about the books: they’re poorly written and each book was shit out in a couple months. As if REAL authors can write GOOD books in a couple of months! They’re not researched well, either. They’re just terrible and that bitch is being compared to Anne Rice! How can you compare her to Anne Rice? Rice thoroughly researched for her books and it took her about thirty years to dish them all out! There’s no comparison AT ALL. The movies suck too. The acting is shit and I feel bad saying that, because I’m sure the actors did try given that they had nothing to work with. The soundtrack isn’t memorable, because it seems to rip off a lot of other soundtracks. This series is just terrible! I’m going to stop now, before I wig out and start writing an essay on why the fuck this series sucks so badly and how I’m ashamed about how far humanity has fallen to compare this series to Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights.

    Anyway, great review Spoony and I agree that Twilight is somewhat watchable accompanied by Rifftrax. :)

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    Oh yeah, when you give away 10% of all your earnings to the Mormon church, who wouldn’t want to make a whole bunch of money to compensate for that.

    Yes, I’m serious. Mormons give up 10% of there earnings to their church. Crazy isn’t it. Why you think they are so well funded and won’t die off?

  • Kristina

    As a woman who has only seen the first of these . . . “movies”, once straight and twice with Rifftrax and is forcing herself to read the book as part of a budding literary reviewing career, I’m just . . . heartsick that this is the literary and cinematic legacy we’re leaving for our teenage girls. Bella is just so not worth the paper on which she’s written. There is nothing there, nothing worth loving, nothing worth hating, nothing worth feeling meh toward, just NOTHING. She is a vortex of suck on all levels, and girls are expected to RESPOND to her? POSITIVELY? I’m just . . . Where are the Elizabeth Bennetts of the modern age? Hell, even Scarlett O’Hara, for all her ballbusting, is a positive example for girls, all things considering. To compare her vapid, mooning, TRU LUV 4 EVA for that sparkling popsicle to Romeo & Juliet, which, as a Shakespearian scholar, I have issues with as well, is as close to blasphemy as one can get. I HATE THESE STICK FIGURES MADE OF WORDS!
    Spoony, all men in this commenting forum, as a writer, a scholar, a woman, and a human, I apologize on behalf of the female gender. You know, we had no idea Stephenie Meyers would do this, it didn’t come up at any of the meetings. We will rectify the problem and see that no future “Twilight’-like abominations occur.
    God, what a shitty movie. Bring on the Rifftrax.

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    Oh yeah, when you give away 10% of all your earnings to the Mormon church, who wouldn’t want to make a whole bunch of money to compensate for that.

    Yes, I’m serious. Mormons give up 10% of there earnings to their church. Crazy isn’t it. Why you think they are so well funded and won’t die off?

  • Kristina

    As a woman who has only seen the first of these . . . “movies”, once straight and twice with Rifftrax and is forcing herself to read the book as part of a budding literary reviewing career, I’m just . . . heartsick that this is the literary and cinematic legacy we’re leaving for our teenage girls. Bella is just so not worth the paper on which she’s written. There is nothing there, nothing worth loving, nothing worth hating, nothing worth feeling meh toward, just NOTHING. She is a vortex of suck on all levels, and girls are expected to RESPOND to her? POSITIVELY? I’m just . . . Where are the Elizabeth Bennetts of the modern age? Hell, even Scarlett O’Hara, for all her ballbusting, is a positive example for girls, all things considering. To compare her vapid, mooning, TRU LUV 4 EVA for that sparkling popsicle to Romeo & Juliet, which, as a Shakespearian scholar, I have issues with as well, is as close to blasphemy as one can get. I HATE THESE STICK FIGURES MADE OF WORDS!
    Spoony, all men in this commenting forum, as a writer, a scholar, a woman, and a human, I apologize on behalf of the female gender. You know, we had no idea Stephenie Meyers would do this, it didn’t come up at any of the meetings. We will rectify the problem and see that no future “Twilight’-like abominations occur.
    God, what a shitty movie. Bring on the Rifftrax.

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    Oh yeah, when you give away 10% of all your earnings to the Mormon church, who wouldn’t want to make a whole bunch of money to compensate for that.

    Yes, I’m serious. Mormons give up 10% of there earnings to their church. Crazy isn’t it. Why you think they are so well funded and won’t die off like any other cult?

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    Oh yeah, when you give away 10% of all your earnings to the Mormon church, who wouldn’t want to make a whole bunch of money to compensate for that.

    Yes, I’m serious. Mormons give up 10% of there earnings to their church. Crazy isn’t it. Why you think they are so well funded and won’t die off like any other cult?

  • Keeto787

    Great review, Spoony! I laughed the whole time. My cheeks hurt now, both pairs. from laughing so much and sitting so long.

  • Keeto787

    Great review, Spoony! I laughed the whole time. My cheeks hurt now, both pairs. from laughing so much and sitting so long.

  • http://darklink42.blogspot.com/ Darklink42

    The best part of this review is that I know a ton of women in their mid-to-late 20′s who will not shut up about how awesome this movie was and how it was better than the first one. I think I’ve finally got a clear picture, short of seeing it myself, why they say that.

  • http://darklink42.blogspot.com Darklink42

    The best part of this review is that I know a ton of women in their mid-to-late 20′s who will not shut up about how awesome this movie was and how it was better than the first one. I think I’ve finally got a clear picture, short of seeing it myself, why they say that.

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    @ Kurtis

    They have made a movie about the book of Mormon, saw it at Hollywood video a while back. the really gut burstingly laughable part of what was written on the box. “The unbelievable true story” was the beginning of the statement.

  • Calhoun Christopher Fox

    @ Kurtis

    They have made a movie about the book of Mormon, saw it at Hollywood video a while back. the really gut burstingly laughable part of what was written on the box. “The unbelievable true story” was the beginning of the statement.

  • Anonymous

    Side-Splittingly funny….man, your reviews could be 3 hours long and I’d cherish every minute, the snarks’ so damn good……And that bit with Edward warning her about her riding (“go the speed limit….beware the dirt’s uneven”) all I could think about was ‘Edward- first a VAMPIRE, now a GPS UNIT!!!’ Boy would THAT sell. I’d be rich, rich I tells you…..MwaaaHaaaHaaa;)

  • http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/art/a/n/angelique/angelique.html angelique_sp

    Side-Splittingly funny….man, your reviews could be 3 hours long and I’d cherish every minute, the snarks’ so damn good……And that bit with Edward warning her about her riding (“go the speed limit….beware the dirt’s uneven”) all I could think about was ‘Edward- first a VAMPIRE, now a GPS UNIT!!!’ Boy would THAT sell. I’d be rich, rich I tells you…..MwaaaHaaaHaaa;)

  • PillagerGuy

    I sure hope Scarlett didnt kill herself out of revulsion that humankind could create such a monstrosity and such a perversion of basic cinema. I’d go to make sure.

  • PillagerGuy

    I sure hope Scarlett didnt kill herself out of revulsion that humankind could create such a monstrosity and such a perversion of basic cinema. I’d go to make sure.

  • Rapowke

    Best Vlog ever!

  • Rapowke

    Best Vlog ever!

  • Anonymous

    And btw…
    Oh Noes! Too Sexy,Too Sexy!….put the nipples away now, Noah ;)

  • http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/art/a/n/angelique/angelique.html angelique_sp

    And btw…
    Oh Noes! Too Sexy,Too Sexy!….put the nipples away now, Noah ;)

  • Lord Noctis

    As a citizen of Washington state, I am truly embarassed that the twilight series ever came into existence. I swear I can’t understand why people like this. Its scary. I know otherwise sensible and perfectly nice people who love this series. Could it be some form of brainwashing or hypnosis?

    Anyway, another great review spoony.

  • Lord Noctis

    As a citizen of Washington state, I am truly embarassed that the twilight series ever came into existence. I swear I can’t understand why people like this. Its scary. I know otherwise sensible and perfectly nice people who love this series. Could it be some form of brainwashing or hypnosis?

    Anyway, another great review spoony.

  • http://lesseroftwoevils.dyndns.org/ LesserofTwoEvils

    Wow is this film bad. Not only you brought up the point with it being so sexist and how AWFUL Bella’s character is. Really goes to show how could anyone like this shit series. If they do then WHAT IS IT DO THEY LIKE ? Ugh… anyway great review Spoony and I enjoyed the review :)

  • http://www.illustratorclaire.com/ Claire

    Kristina. Lady. Don’t.

    Apologising on behalf of the female gender? It just makes things WORSE.

  • http://lesseroftwoevils.dyndns.org LesserofTwoEvils

    Wow is this film bad. Not only you brought up the point with it being so sexist and how AWFUL Bella’s character is. Really goes to show how could anyone like this shit series. If they do then WHAT IS IT DO THEY LIKE ? Ugh… anyway great review Spoony and I enjoyed the review :)

  • http://www.illustratorclaire.com Claire

    Kristina. Lady. Don’t.

    Apologising on behalf of the female gender? It just makes things WORSE.

  • Mori

    I laughed so hard while listening to this. Speaking as someone who has read the books (I did it for an English paper), and has watched the first film – this description is absolutely 100% true.
    In the books, Bella does the same exact thing he describes happens in the film (I haven’t seen it yet). Just wait, there’s more – wait until the 4th one, there’s plenty of cannon fodder there.
    Also, with Pattinson’s depiction of Edward is going by his reaction to the books. From the research I did, he signed up for the films before he read the books. After reading the books, in an interview he talks about how horrible the books are. He hates the character of Edward, so I think his portrayal is hilariously accurate. The facial expressions in the first film were so, SO hilarious to me.

    My favourite line from this: “They’re all holding it together, because they’re the good vampires. Except for Harpo.”

  • Mori

    I laughed so hard while listening to this. Speaking as someone who has read the books (I did it for an English paper), and has watched the first film – this description is absolutely 100% true.
    In the books, Bella does the same exact thing he describes happens in the film (I haven’t seen it yet). Just wait, there’s more – wait until the 4th one, there’s plenty of cannon fodder there.
    Also, with Pattinson’s depiction of Edward is going by his reaction to the books. From the research I did, he signed up for the films before he read the books. After reading the books, in an interview he talks about how horrible the books are. He hates the character of Edward, so I think his portrayal is hilariously accurate. The facial expressions in the first film were so, SO hilarious to me.

    My favourite line from this: “They’re all holding it together, because they’re the good vampires. Except for Harpo.”

  • Justin

    Hey man you’re awesome let me just say, and also your reviews are phenomenally funny. And I hate emo-twitards personally; only thing about this video I disagree about is underworld, good action flick in my opinion, and as you said bondage leather Kate, good stuff bro keep it up.

  • Justin

    Hey man you’re awesome let me just say, and also your reviews are phenomenally funny. And I hate emo-twitards personally; only thing about this video I disagree about is underworld, good action flick in my opinion, and as you said bondage leather Kate, good stuff bro keep it up.

  • Rahhel

    One of your best movie reviews in which you just sit in fron of the camera.

    You seemed to have picked about the same things I got out of the book. The whole Gay/Mutant thing is new to me. I liked it. Very funny.

    I would watch the movie for the lulz, but I don’t want the people to earn money for this shit fest, though I would pay to see an Evil Dead/Twilight/Halloween crossover. It can only get better. You should really review the first one too. Personally I thought it was rather boring, but maybe you can get some jokes out of it.

  • Rahhel

    One of your best movie reviews in which you just sit in fron of the camera.

    You seemed to have picked about the same things I got out of the book. The whole Gay/Mutant thing is new to me. I liked it. Very funny.

    I would watch the movie for the lulz, but I don’t want the people to earn money for this shit fest, though I would pay to see an Evil Dead/Twilight/Halloween crossover. It can only get better. You should really review the first one too. Personally I thought it was rather boring, but maybe you can get some jokes out of it.

  • Tom

    Very funny review.Even with your recommendation,i won’t go see it though.

  • Tom

    Very funny review.Even with your recommendation,i won’t go see it though.

  • Dustin

    Great vlog, Spoony! This truly highlighted my thoughts on the whole series and the hype it has created. Based on recent literary works and Hollywood buffoonry, if I want to watch anything vampire-related, I’ll turn to the Castlevania games and slay Dracula with the Vampire Killer.

  • Dustin

    Great vlog, Spoony! This truly highlighted my thoughts on the whole series and the hype it has created. Based on recent literary works and Hollywood buffoonry, if I want to watch anything vampire-related, I’ll turn to the Castlevania games and slay Dracula with the Vampire Killer.

  • Phantasm

    Awesome, awesome rant/review. You know, I watched the first movie only recently (yeah, yeah, I’m behind the times); I didn’t have much hope for it, but even that little shred that I had was wiped clean in an instant. It wasn’t that much of a bad movie, as it was fucking BORING. I don’t get how anyone (not even girls!) could possibly enjoy something like this; am I living in a parallel universe or something ?

    Anyway, I’ll probably keep myself as far as possible from “New Moon”, because, frankly, I care about my sanity; I can’t even begin to imagine how the third movie will turn out.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some people to call to tell them I MADE MUFFINS!!!

  • Phantasm

    Awesome, awesome rant/review. You know, I watched the first movie only recently (yeah, yeah, I’m behind the times); I didn’t have much hope for it, but even that little shred that I had was wiped clean in an instant. It wasn’t that much of a bad movie, as it was fucking BORING. I don’t get how anyone (not even girls!) could possibly enjoy something like this; am I living in a parallel universe or something ?

    Anyway, I’ll probably keep myself as far as possible from “New Moon”, because, frankly, I care about my sanity; I can’t even begin to imagine how the third movie will turn out.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some people to call to tell them I MADE MUFFINS!!!

  • Dick Tracy

    I don’t see how you can blame that mormon chick she created a product which targets a specific audience (teenage girls who are into stories about hopeless love and vampires) Twilight’s characters are shallow and the overall story is not that good in fact it’s a rotting pile of pig vomit but think about it IT FUCKING WORKS this thing does not need to be better because it sells just fine right now Meyer is making a shitload of money from the novels and movies she’s famous has a legion of fans so why bother making a masterpiece or something that is at least decent when this piece of shit sells just fine

  • Dick Tracy

    I don’t see how you can blame that mormon chick she created a product which targets a specific audience (teenage girls who are into stories about hopeless love and vampires) Twilight’s characters are shallow and the overall story is not that good in fact it’s a rotting pile of pig vomit but think about it IT FUCKING WORKS this thing does not need to be better because it sells just fine right now Meyer is making a shitload of money from the novels and movies she’s famous has a legion of fans so why bother making a masterpiece or something that is at least decent when this piece of shit sells just fine

  • Bo

    Huh, you touched on something I haven’t really heard anyone else mention about this movie; the homosexual undertones of the werewolves. I’ve heard a lot of noise over the racist aspect of Bella calling the Native-American-monsters monsters and not the pasty-white-monsters, but not the homophobia aspect of it.

  • http://forums.quizilla.teennick.com/member.php?u=70714 KratosWriter

    I really don’t understand how this franchise is successful. Bella, in both the books and in the movies, is annoying and whinny and codependent and careless and just REALLY unlikeable and Edward is REALLY creepy in the movies and he was creepy in the books but not as much as he is in the movies. And the story is bad and… ugh… the glowing vampires… when I saw the first ‘Twilight’ movie and Edward was glittering in the sun, I laughed my ass off and pissed off the girl I was watching the movie with. Glittering vampires is just so… ugh. Speaks for itself. With such shallow, unlikeable characters and an idiotic storyline, how the HELL is this franchise a ‘success’? I’m a teenage girl. I read the first book and part of the second (the first chapter to be exact). I couldn’t STAND any of it. Maybe its because I have an actual brain and I actually LIKE indepth characters and storylines… I dunno.

    Spoony’s review however… I want to see the movie just to laugh at the part with Bella on the bike. That just sounds hilarious. I won’t see it though… the first movie scarred my mind for life. I don’t think I need another scar right next to it.

  • Bo

    Huh, you touched on something I haven’t really heard anyone else mention about this movie; the homosexual undertones of the werewolves. I’ve heard a lot of noise over the racist aspect of Bella calling the Native-American-monsters monsters and not the pasty-white-monsters, but not the homophobia aspect of it.

  • http://forums.quizilla.teennick.com/member.php?u=70714 KratosWriter

    I really don’t understand how this franchise is successful. Bella, in both the books and in the movies, is annoying and whinny and codependent and careless and just REALLY unlikeable and Edward is REALLY creepy in the movies and he was creepy in the books but not as much as he is in the movies. And the story is bad and… ugh… the glowing vampires… when I saw the first ‘Twilight’ movie and Edward was glittering in the sun, I laughed my ass off and pissed off the girl I was watching the movie with. Glittering vampires is just so… ugh. Speaks for itself. With such shallow, unlikeable characters and an idiotic storyline, how the HELL is this franchise a ‘success’? I’m a teenage girl. I read the first book and part of the second (the first chapter to be exact). I couldn’t STAND any of it. Maybe its because I have an actual brain and I actually LIKE indepth characters and storylines… I dunno.

    Spoony’s review however… I want to see the movie just to laugh at the part with Bella on the bike. That just sounds hilarious. I won’t see it though… the first movie scarred my mind for life. I don’t think I need another scar right next to it.

  • Kenny

    Sorry, Noah, no matter how much you want me to see it, I’m not going to.

    Only if you come with me for some Mystery Science Theater tribute fun.

  • Kenny

    Sorry, Noah, no matter how much you want me to see it, I’m not going to.

    Only if you come with me for some Mystery Science Theater tribute fun.

  • Generic Name

    You know, the thing I hate most about this series is the example it is setting for our young girls. I’ve seen 6th graders running around talking about how dreamy Edward is and it makes me sick inside. Edward is everything that these girls should hate in a man. Think about it. He’s possessive, he sneaks into her room and watches her sleep, he’s completely obsessive, and at any time he could fly off the handle and kill her, but that’s ok cause he’s only trying to protect her don’t yah know. I mean COME ON. It doesn’t take a genius to relate him to the stalker wife beater that no-one wants their daughter dating. And this is who is being marketed as the perfect dream date. What’s more this is making women look bad. I’m sitting here thinking to myself “How can women be this stupid?!?!?!” Someone please tell my I died and woke up in bizzaro land cause this makes absolutely no sense.

  • Generic Name

    You know, the thing I hate most about this series is the example it is setting for our young girls. I’ve seen 6th graders running around talking about how dreamy Edward is and it makes me sick inside. Edward is everything that these girls should hate in a man. Think about it. He’s possessive, he sneaks into her room and watches her sleep, he’s completely obsessive, and at any time he could fly off the handle and kill her, but that’s ok cause he’s only trying to protect her don’t yah know. I mean COME ON. It doesn’t take a genius to relate him to the stalker wife beater that no-one wants their daughter dating. And this is who is being marketed as the perfect dream date. What’s more this is making women look bad. I’m sitting here thinking to myself “How can women be this stupid?!?!?!” Someone please tell my I died and woke up in bizzaro land cause this makes absolutely no sense.

  • OniYouji

    No mention of the very ending, Spoony? Awwww…
    Oh, and are you going to see Eclipse next year? And Breaking Dawn the summer after that!? MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    You will. For our sake.

    (Note to self: get the Twilight DVD and Rifftrax. Then, buy New Moon solely for Rifftrax)

  • Dr.Klahn

    @Dustin

    “if I want to watch anything vampire-related, I’ll turn to the Castlevania games and slay Dracula with the Vampire Killer.”

    Thing is, there probably is a lot of fanfic out there involving Edward Cullen and bullwhips as it is, so….

    I must say, as nerds we owe a certain debt to Twilight because now Anakin and Padme are no longer the most laughable romance in film history. Though I do feel bad for all the teenage boys that have to deal with a generation of females that have soaked up this author’s weird sexual issues. Oh, for the halcyon days when they worst you could do was “Titanic”!

  • OniYouji

    No mention of the very ending, Spoony? Awwww…
    Oh, and are you going to see Eclipse next year? And Breaking Dawn the summer after that!? MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    You will. For our sake.

    (Note to self: get the Twilight DVD and Rifftrax. Then, buy New Moon solely for Rifftrax)

  • Dr.Klahn

    @Dustin

    “if I want to watch anything vampire-related, I’ll turn to the Castlevania games and slay Dracula with the Vampire Killer.”

    Thing is, there probably is a lot of fanfic out there involving Edward Cullen and bullwhips as it is, so….

    I must say, as nerds we owe a certain debt to Twilight because now Anakin and Padme are no longer the most laughable romance in film history. Though I do feel bad for all the teenage boys that have to deal with a generation of females that have soaked up this author’s weird sexual issues. Oh, for the halcyon days when they worst you could do was “Titanic”!

  • bee_oh_three

    Bella deserves a Goldberg concussion kick to the head!

  • bee_oh_three

    Bella deserves a Goldberg concussion kick to the head!

  • TheInterbutt

    Good fucking LORD SPOONY

    50 minutes? I’ve been a fan of your reviews, but these vlogs are the absolute worst. I put this shit on as background noise as I went to do something else, and it still managed to put me to sleep.

    You talk about shit sucking the energy out the viewer, well, this vlog pretty much does that.

    Also, what’s the point to the video portion of this? Why would I want to sit around and stare at your mug for 50 minutes? This could have at least been an audio file because YOU DON’T MAKE USE OF THE VIDEO MEDIUM AT ALL IN THIS. Though, that wouldn’t have saved it from being unbelievably tedious to listen to.

    Spoony, you’re a good reviewer, but god damn it, I hope blip.tv bills you for these god damn vlogs. It might keep you from making them instead of some quality content.

  • TheInterbutt

    Good fucking LORD SPOONY

    50 minutes? I’ve been a fan of your reviews, but these vlogs are the absolute worst. I put this shit on as background noise as I went to do something else, and it still managed to put me to sleep.

    You talk about shit sucking the energy out the viewer, well, this vlog pretty much does that.

    Also, what’s the point to the video portion of this? Why would I want to sit around and stare at your mug for 50 minutes? This could have at least been an audio file because YOU DON’T MAKE USE OF THE VIDEO MEDIUM AT ALL IN THIS. Though, that wouldn’t have saved it from being unbelievably tedious to listen to.

    Spoony, you’re a good reviewer, but god damn it, I hope blip.tv bills you for these god damn vlogs. It might keep you from making them instead of some quality content.

  • vancouver

    i was looking for horse titties in my google search and it sent me here.

  • vancouver

    i was looking for horse titties in my google search and it sent me here.

  • Lybra

    Wow, after you described the stiff-arm into plate glass bit, I immediately got this image of Edward running up in slow motion and just cranking Bella in the jaw with some Shaolin Monk thrusting palm strike and seeing her barrel into a china closet. My God, this is the man she loves. I can just imagine the Domestic Abuse charge Edward would have to answer to.
    “So, let me get this straight, Mr. Cullen. Your girlfriend cut her finger on some wrapping paper, and your immediate reaction was to embed her into the wall?”
    “You don’t understand! I was saving her!”

  • Lybra

    Wow, after you described the stiff-arm into plate glass bit, I immediately got this image of Edward running up in slow motion and just cranking Bella in the jaw with some Shaolin Monk thrusting palm strike and seeing her barrel into a china closet. My God, this is the man she loves. I can just imagine the Domestic Abuse charge Edward would have to answer to.
    “So, let me get this straight, Mr. Cullen. Your girlfriend cut her finger on some wrapping paper, and your immediate reaction was to embed her into the wall?”
    “You don’t understand! I was saving her!”

  • Luke

    @ Dick Tracey

    “why bother making a masterpiece or something that is at least decent when this piece of shit sells just fine”

    I can only thank the lord not everyone thinks like you. As an engineer its my priority to make sure everything I have a hand in is a masterpeice, otherwise people like you couldn’t enjoy driving your cars across bridges (which would collapse if unprepared for unlikely, yet deadly windspeeds) and I couldn’t sleep at night.
    I have no idea how Meyer sleeps at night though…

  • Luke

    @ Dick Tracey

    “why bother making a masterpiece or something that is at least decent when this piece of shit sells just fine”

    I can only thank the lord not everyone thinks like you. As an engineer its my priority to make sure everything I have a hand in is a masterpeice, otherwise people like you couldn’t enjoy driving your cars across bridges (which would collapse if unprepared for unlikely, yet deadly windspeeds) and I couldn’t sleep at night.
    I have no idea how Meyer sleeps at night though…

  • http://www.saisasylum.com/ Sai

    Pattinson probably seems like he’s in agony because he hates being Edward. And he hates Twilight. I think the poor bastard had no idea what he was getting into XD

    And I thought the same thing too, if I saw someone sparkling my first thought wouldn’t be “holy shit a vampire!”

    And what’s with ghost!Edward? Is he SO controlling that she’s internalized it? God I hate Twilight, teaching little girls that this relationship is anywhere near functional and romantic is irresponsible.

  • http://www.mangapunksai.com Sai

    Pattinson probably seems like he’s in agony because he hates being Edward. And he hates Twilight. I think the poor bastard had no idea what he was getting into XD

    And I thought the same thing too, if I saw someone sparkling my first thought wouldn’t be “holy shit a vampire!”

    And what’s with ghost!Edward? Is he SO controlling that she’s internalized it? God I hate Twilight, teaching little girls that this relationship is anywhere near functional and romantic is irresponsible.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    @TheInterbutt

    What is your problem. Don’t watch the vlogs then. A lot of us enjoy the vlogs, they are funny and informative like the reviews but are different as well. Why are you complaining when he is doing it for free and it’s his website so just skip the vlogs.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    @TheInterbutt

    What is your problem. Don’t watch the vlogs then. A lot of us enjoy the vlogs, they are funny and informative like the reviews but are different as well. Why are you complaining when he is doing it for free and it’s his website so just skip the vlogs.

  • JJMarmite

    About the ‘And another thing’, uh, thing: too fuckin’ right, son. That chick be…hell. I can’t even find words. In fact, everyone from that series is one heaping helping of what the fuck. The allure this series has on girls bewilders me. But that doesn’t say much.

    You keep up the good work now, I ain’t even kidding.

  • paradeus

    Spoony, you look tired… get some sleep! Please.

    But thanks for the very entertaining video. Especially your Ghost-Edward-performance had me smiling all the way through.

  • JJMarmite

    About the ‘And another thing’, uh, thing: too fuckin’ right, son. That chick be…hell. I can’t even find words. In fact, everyone from that series is one heaping helping of what the fuck. The allure this series has on girls bewilders me. But that doesn’t say much.

    You keep up the good work now, I ain’t even kidding.

  • paradeus

    Spoony, you look tired… get some sleep! Please.

    But thanks for the very entertaining video. Especially your Ghost-Edward-performance had me smiling all the way through.

  • http://www.movies-in-a-blender.blogspot.com/ Andrew Michael

    holy shit you look ill in this vid. but i suppose twilight does that to ya.

  • http://www.movies-in-a-blender.blogspot.com Andrew Michael

    holy shit you look ill in this vid. but i suppose twilight does that to ya.

  • Elan

    Just saw a picture of Jacob. Does anyone realize the HILARIOUS irony of a werewolf who waxes his chest?

  • Elan

    Just saw a picture of Jacob. Does anyone realize the HILARIOUS irony of a werewolf who waxes his chest?

  • spokojasne

    with properly huge hype-making machine, you can sell every shit, it seems,
    thank god this fad evaded my country.

    love the grabscreen, i was laughing like 5 min. just from that alone,
    - oh my god, this movie nearly killed him

  • spokojasne

    with properly huge hype-making machine, you can sell every shit, it seems,
    thank god this fad evaded my country.

    love the grabscreen, i was laughing like 5 min. just from that alone,
    - oh my god, this movie nearly killed him

  • Meow Mix

    You have put me in a good mood. Thank you.

  • Meow Mix

    You have put me in a good mood. Thank you.

  • Toby

    Back in my day, girls at least read Danielle Steele, which at least had sex. Even Harlequin romances had it.

    I think all fans and Stephanie Miller should be forced to listen to audiotapes of the classic manCheese novel that is Louis L’Amour while watching hardcore vampire porn like Dracula Sucks, Dracula Exotica, and Dark Angels nonstop for a year.

  • Toby

    Back in my day, girls at least read Danielle Steele, which at least had sex. Even Harlequin romances had it.

    I think all fans and Stephanie Miller should be forced to listen to audiotapes of the classic manCheese novel that is Louis L’Amour while watching hardcore vampire porn like Dracula Sucks, Dracula Exotica, and Dark Angels nonstop for a year.

  • Mecahawk

    Spoony, in your extra comment, You hit the nail ON THE HEAD about why I hate vampires. She is selfish, self consumed, only cares about herself and physical pleasure, is willing to use people to get what she needs, only interested in lusts of the flesh. It’s very ironic when I realize it, but these are the traits OF A VAMPIRE. This is literally the defining trait of why vampires are evil. She’s more of a vampiress than Edward by far.

  • Mecahawk

    Spoony, in your extra comment, You hit the nail ON THE HEAD about why I hate vampires. She is selfish, self consumed, only cares about herself and physical pleasure, is willing to use people to get what she needs, only interested in lusts of the flesh. It’s very ironic when I realize it, but these are the traits OF A VAMPIRE. This is literally the defining trait of why vampires are evil. She’s more of a vampiress than Edward by far.

  • Mecahawk

    Spoony, in your extra comment, You hit the nail ON THE HEAD about why I hate vampires. She is selfish, self consumed, only cares about herself and physical pleasure, is willing to use people to get what she needs, only interested in lusts of the flesh. It’s very ironic when I realize it, but these are the traits OF A VAMPIRE. This is literally the defining trait of why vampires are evil. She’s more of a vampiress than Edward by far.

  • Justin

    I was thrown out of the theater. I guess I was with all die hard Twilight New Moon fans because about 45 minutes into me ripping on it the manager comes puts his hand on my shoulder and says buddy either shut up or leave. So instead of throwing down with the guy and going to jail I left and on my way out I yelled ” FUCK THIS MOVIE I’M GLAD I’M NOT A SHEEP LIKE THE REST OF YOU BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Seriously it’s sad that people actually paid money (I only went cause I had a free pass and had nothing better to do) to see this god awful piece of shit Oh and the first time they warned me the guys not two feet away from me and Jacob comes on screen and I’m like “Take a Bath Hippie!” I was kinda pissed I didn’t get to the part where he takes his shirt off because I was going to yell “STEROIDS!!!!”

    I know know this was probably bad form on my part but I’m sorry you just can’t take this movie seriously.

    Like when Bella is sitting in her room looking out the window and the seasons change and they put up what month it is when December came up I was laughing like Max Caddy was in the movie theater scene in Cape Fear and wishing I was smoking a big ass cigar.

  • Justin

    I was thrown out of the theater. I guess I was with all die hard Twilight New Moon fans because about 45 minutes into me ripping on it the manager comes puts his hand on my shoulder and says buddy either shut up or leave. So instead of throwing down with the guy and going to jail I left and on my way out I yelled ” FUCK THIS MOVIE I’M GLAD I’M NOT A SHEEP LIKE THE REST OF YOU BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Seriously it’s sad that people actually paid money (I only went cause I had a free pass and had nothing better to do) to see this god awful piece of shit Oh and the first time they warned me the guys not two feet away from me and Jacob comes on screen and I’m like “Take a Bath Hippie!” I was kinda pissed I didn’t get to the part where he takes his shirt off because I was going to yell “STEROIDS!!!!”

    I know know this was probably bad form on my part but I’m sorry you just can’t take this movie seriously.

    Like when Bella is sitting in her room looking out the window and the seasons change and they put up what month it is when December came up I was laughing like Max Caddy was in the movie theater scene in Cape Fear and wishing I was smoking a big ass cigar.

  • Justin

    I was thrown out of the theater. I guess I was with all die hard Twilight New Moon fans because about 45 minutes into me ripping on it the manager comes puts his hand on my shoulder and says buddy either shut up or leave. So instead of throwing down with the guy and going to jail I left and on my way out I yelled ” FUCK THIS MOVIE I’M GLAD I’M NOT A SHEEP LIKE THE REST OF YOU BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Seriously it’s sad that people actually paid money (I only went cause I had a free pass and had nothing better to do) to see this god awful piece of shit Oh and the first time they warned me the guys not two feet away from me and Jacob comes on screen and I’m like “Take a Bath Hippie!” I was kinda pissed I didn’t get to the part where he takes his shirt off because I was going to yell “STEROIDS!!!!”

    I know know this was probably bad form on my part but I’m sorry you just can’t take this movie seriously.

    Like when Bella is sitting in her room looking out the window and the seasons change and they put up what month it is when December came up I was laughing like Max Caddy was in the movie theater scene in Cape Fear and wishing I was smoking a big ass cigar.

  • Justin

    I was thrown out of the theater. I guess I was with all die hard Twilight New Moon fans because about 45 minutes into me ripping on it the manager comes puts his hand on my shoulder and says buddy either shut up or leave. So instead of throwing down with the guy and going to jail I left and on my way out I yelled ” FUCK THIS MOVIE I’M GLAD I’M NOT A SHEEP LIKE THE REST OF YOU BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Seriously it’s sad that people actually paid money (I only went cause I had a free pass and had nothing better to do) to see this god awful piece of shit Oh and the first time they warned me the guys not two feet away from me and Jacob comes on screen and I’m like “Take a Bath Hippie!” I was kinda pissed I didn’t get to the part where he takes his shirt off because I was going to yell “STEROIDS!!!!”

    I know know this was probably bad form on my part but I’m sorry you just can’t take this movie seriously.

    Like when Bella is sitting in her room looking out the window and the seasons change and they put up what month it is when December came up I was laughing like Max Caddy was in the movie theater scene in Cape Fear and wishing I was smoking a big ass cigar.

  • Charlie

    I watched this movie yesterday and was checking through the comments of the website where I found the video and saw this:

    “I reckon teenagers everywhere will look back when they’re older and say ‘WTF was I thinking?!?’ ”

    “Excuse me?!? I’m 30-years-old and I certainly know WTF I’m thinking!!!!!!” >:((

    LOL

  • Charlie

    I watched this movie yesterday and was checking through the comments of the website where I found the video and saw this:

    “I reckon teenagers everywhere will look back when they’re older and say ‘WTF was I thinking?!?’ ”

    “Excuse me?!? I’m 30-years-old and I certainly know WTF I’m thinking!!!!!!” >:((

    LOL

  • WILL

    I demand that Spoony (+ any other critic) make a MST3K video of them watching both movies. Live. UStream or whatever. Now that I would watch.

  • WILL

    I demand that Spoony (+ any other critic) make a MST3K video of them watching both movies. Live. UStream or whatever. Now that I would watch.

  • WILL

    I demand that Spoony (+ any other critic) make a MST3K video of them watching both movies. Live. UStream or whatever. Now that I would watch.

  • WILL

    I demand that Spoony (+ any other critic) make a MST3K video of them watching both movies. Live. UStream or whatever. Now that I would watch.

  • Tyro

    I had to pause the video after 25.00 because I was laughing hysterical on the keyboard.
    Your so right when you say that remark that the way the werewolf said it it really sounds like a gay man trying to explain for someone why his gay.
    But what I’ve really been wondering is how in fucks name anyone could pass them as werewolfs when they don’t look like werewolfs, werewolf are half man and half wolf yet the new moons werewolf looks more like wolf who can morph whenever they fucking please to even during day. If they can turn into a wolf whenever they please they are not fucking werewolf, a werewolf turn into the monster against his will and loses his memory during it acting in pure instinct, to kill and feed so to speak. The classic example from books are that the werewolf wakes up on the floor covered in his wifes and childrens blood and that the man have no memory of what have happened.
    But why should I even care that they mess up werewolf lore when they say that Vampires in sunshine glitters….

  • Tyro

    I had to pause the video after 25.00 because I was laughing hysterical on the keyboard.
    Your so right when you say that remark that the way the werewolf said it it really sounds like a gay man trying to explain for someone why his gay.
    But what I’ve really been wondering is how in fucks name anyone could pass them as werewolfs when they don’t look like werewolfs, werewolf are half man and half wolf yet the new moons werewolf looks more like wolf who can morph whenever they fucking please to even during day. If they can turn into a wolf whenever they please they are not fucking werewolf, a werewolf turn into the monster against his will and loses his memory during it acting in pure instinct, to kill and feed so to speak. The classic example from books are that the werewolf wakes up on the floor covered in his wifes and childrens blood and that the man have no memory of what have happened.
    But why should I even care that they mess up werewolf lore when they say that Vampires in sunshine glitters….

  • Tyro

    I had to pause the video after 25.00 because I was laughing hysterical on the keyboard.
    Your so right when you say that remark that the way the werewolf said it it really sounds like a gay man trying to explain for someone why his gay.
    But what I’ve really been wondering is how in fucks name anyone could pass them as werewolfs when they don’t look like werewolfs, werewolf are half man and half wolf yet the new moons werewolf looks more like wolf who can morph whenever they fucking please to even during day. If they can turn into a wolf whenever they please they are not fucking werewolf, a werewolf turn into the monster against his will and loses his memory during it acting in pure instinct, to kill and feed so to speak. The classic example from books are that the werewolf wakes up on the floor covered in his wifes and childrens blood and that the man have no memory of what have happened.
    But why should I even care that they mess up werewolf lore when they say that Vampires in sunshine glitters….

  • Tyro

    I had to pause the video after 25.00 because I was laughing hysterical on the keyboard.
    Your so right when you say that remark that the way the werewolf said it it really sounds like a gay man trying to explain for someone why his gay.
    But what I’ve really been wondering is how in fucks name anyone could pass them as werewolfs when they don’t look like werewolfs, werewolf are half man and half wolf yet the new moons werewolf looks more like wolf who can morph whenever they fucking please to even during day. If they can turn into a wolf whenever they please they are not fucking werewolf, a werewolf turn into the monster against his will and loses his memory during it acting in pure instinct, to kill and feed so to speak. The classic example from books are that the werewolf wakes up on the floor covered in his wifes and childrens blood and that the man have no memory of what have happened.
    But why should I even care that they mess up werewolf lore when they say that Vampires in sunshine glitters….

  • Toby

    I actually thought Kristen Stewart did a great job in the Panic Room. It’s too bad she moved to this after junk like Zarathura.

  • Toby

    I actually thought Kristen Stewart did a great job in the Panic Room. It’s too bad she moved to this after junk like Zarathura.

  • Toby

    I actually thought Kristen Stewart did a great job in the Panic Room. It’s too bad she moved to this after junk like Zarathura.

  • Toby

    I actually thought Kristen Stewart did a great job in the Panic Room. It’s too bad she moved to this after junk like Zarathura.

  • The Nameless One

    Good thing i didn’t waste my money on that tripe of a movie. I’d spend the rest of the night head-desking.

    So much for Transformers 2 being the utter worst movie of the year. But hey at least this year’s “blockbusters” are gonna be a boon for RiffTrax!

  • The Nameless One

    Good thing i didn’t waste my money on that tripe of a movie. I’d spend the rest of the night head-desking.

    So much for Transformers 2 being the utter worst movie of the year. But hey at least this year’s “blockbusters” are gonna be a boon for RiffTrax!

  • Spykes

    This was easily one of Spoony’s best reviews/vlogs.

  • Spykes

    This was easily one of Spoony’s best reviews/vlogs.

  • Spykes

    This was easily one of Spoony’s best reviews/vlogs.

  • Spykes

    This was easily one of Spoony’s best reviews/vlogs.

  • La Maupin

    Yes, I did relate to Bella when I saw New Moon. Because I am mentally disturbed and have had to seek help. I don’t think they were trying to portray her in any other way than that, regardless of whatever Stephenie Meyers books were trying to do.
    But this isn’t about New Moon. Hell, I haven’t even watched your vlog about it because if I don’t like what you say, that’s my problem, and watching your stuff is completely optional. This is about the text you put under the video that I was reckless enough to read.
    I love you, dude, but I really don’t need people using the thing that sometimes makes my life a living hell as an insult.
    My girlfriend has had to take care of me when I’m shaking so hard she can’t hold me down just because I can’t handle existing, and she herself has had to learn how to not constantly see people who aren’t really there, so we could both find something in the movie to relate to. That does not make either of us stupid, or worthy of any of your venom.

    I know, you’re a critic/comedian and if you had to constantly worry about hurting someone you wouldn’t be able to do your thing, and I love watching your videos so it would be a shame for you to stop. That’s not what I’m about here. I mean, I can take the occasional gay joke without getting personal about it (being gay and all) because most of them make me laugh and, as far as I’ve understood you, you don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to be gay.

    Well, in this little text of yours you equalled liking this thing you really hate with being mentally ill. That is something quite different. Maybe I completely misunderstood you, and even if I didn’t this probably won’t change anything (I’m guessing you won’t even see this comment), but I’ll feel better now having said it, so thanks for giving us fans the option to comment on your stuff.

    /La Maupin

  • La Maupin

    Yes, I did relate to Bella when I saw New Moon. Because I am mentally disturbed and have had to seek help. I don’t think they were trying to portray her in any other way than that, regardless of whatever Stephenie Meyers books were trying to do.
    But this isn’t about New Moon. Hell, I haven’t even watched your vlog about it because if I don’t like what you say, that’s my problem, and watching your stuff is completely optional. This is about the text you put under the video that I was reckless enough to read.
    I love you, dude, but I really don’t need people using the thing that sometimes makes my life a living hell as an insult.
    My girlfriend has had to take care of me when I’m shaking so hard she can’t hold me down just because I can’t handle existing, and she herself has had to learn how to not constantly see people who aren’t really there, so we could both find something in the movie to relate to. That does not make either of us stupid, or worthy of any of your venom.

    I know, you’re a critic/comedian and if you had to constantly worry about hurting someone you wouldn’t be able to do your thing, and I love watching your videos so it would be a shame for you to stop. That’s not what I’m about here. I mean, I can take the occasional gay joke without getting personal about it (being gay and all) because most of them make me laugh and, as far as I’ve understood you, you don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to be gay.

    Well, in this little text of yours you equalled liking this thing you really hate with being mentally ill. That is something quite different. Maybe I completely misunderstood you, and even if I didn’t this probably won’t change anything (I’m guessing you won’t even see this comment), but I’ll feel better now having said it, so thanks for giving us fans the option to comment on your stuff.

    /La Maupin

  • La Maupin

    Yes, I did relate to Bella when I saw New Moon. Because I am mentally disturbed and have had to seek help. I don’t think they were trying to portray her in any other way than that, regardless of whatever Stephenie Meyers books were trying to do.
    But this isn’t about New Moon. Hell, I haven’t even watched your vlog about it because if I don’t like what you say, that’s my problem, and watching your stuff is completely optional. This is about the text you put under the video that I was reckless enough to read.
    I love you, dude, but I really don’t need people using the thing that sometimes makes my life a living hell as an insult.
    My girlfriend has had to take care of me when I’m shaking so hard she can’t hold me down just because I can’t handle existing, and she herself has had to learn how to not constantly see people who aren’t really there, so we could both find something in the movie to relate to. That does not make either of us stupid, or worthy of any of your venom.

    I know, you’re a critic/comedian and if you had to constantly worry about hurting someone you wouldn’t be able to do your thing, and I love watching your videos so it would be a shame for you to stop. That’s not what I’m about here. I mean, I can take the occasional gay joke without getting personal about it (being gay and all) because most of them make me laugh and, as far as I’ve understood you, you don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to be gay.

    Well, in this little text of yours you equalled liking this thing you really hate with being mentally ill. That is something quite different. Maybe I completely misunderstood you, and even if I didn’t this probably won’t change anything (I’m guessing you won’t even see this comment), but I’ll feel better now having said it, so thanks for giving us fans the option to comment on your stuff.

    /La Maupin

  • La Maupin

    Yes, I did relate to Bella when I saw New Moon. Because I am mentally disturbed and have had to seek help. I don’t think they were trying to portray her in any other way than that, regardless of whatever Stephenie Meyers books were trying to do.
    But this isn’t about New Moon. Hell, I haven’t even watched your vlog about it because if I don’t like what you say, that’s my problem, and watching your stuff is completely optional. This is about the text you put under the video that I was reckless enough to read.
    I love you, dude, but I really don’t need people using the thing that sometimes makes my life a living hell as an insult.
    My girlfriend has had to take care of me when I’m shaking so hard she can’t hold me down just because I can’t handle existing, and she herself has had to learn how to not constantly see people who aren’t really there, so we could both find something in the movie to relate to. That does not make either of us stupid, or worthy of any of your venom.

    I know, you’re a critic/comedian and if you had to constantly worry about hurting someone you wouldn’t be able to do your thing, and I love watching your videos so it would be a shame for you to stop. That’s not what I’m about here. I mean, I can take the occasional gay joke without getting personal about it (being gay and all) because most of them make me laugh and, as far as I’ve understood you, you don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to be gay.

    Well, in this little text of yours you equalled liking this thing you really hate with being mentally ill. That is something quite different. Maybe I completely misunderstood you, and even if I didn’t this probably won’t change anything (I’m guessing you won’t even see this comment), but I’ll feel better now having said it, so thanks for giving us fans the option to comment on your stuff.

    /La Maupin

  • TOYBOXX

    I’ve seen the first movie, Twilight, out of shear curiosity on why the movie, and the book for that matter, was so popular. And I think you hit the nail right on the head, Spoony. It’s a visual representation of a female fantasy novel. What made me hate the first movie was the character Bella. At one sight of Edward she was psychotically in love with a person whom she never met nor seen, with the exception of seeing him for the first time at the school cafeteria which, sadly, keeps her mental instability rolling by expressing how much she missed him and all she thought about was Edward. Unicorns and rainbows – Crazy talk I say! What’s worse is, according to the one person who has read the entire series – my girl friend, that one of the main things Bella wanted to do is lose her virginity to Edward. Mind you this was her thoughts mere minutes after she seen this guy. What?

    It’s clear that these series of books and movies are meant for pre-teen female adolescence. And it’s sad to think that products like these is what girls will look forward to in the future.

  • TOYBOXX

    I’ve seen the first movie, Twilight, out of shear curiosity on why the movie, and the book for that matter, was so popular. And I think you hit the nail right on the head, Spoony. It’s a visual representation of a female fantasy novel. What made me hate the first movie was the character Bella. At one sight of Edward she was psychotically in love with a person whom she never met nor seen, with the exception of seeing him for the first time at the school cafeteria which, sadly, keeps her mental instability rolling by expressing how much she missed him and all she thought about was Edward. Unicorns and rainbows – Crazy talk I say! What’s worse is, according to the one person who has read the entire series – my girl friend, that one of the main things Bella wanted to do is lose her virginity to Edward. Mind you this was her thoughts mere minutes after she seen this guy. What?

    It’s clear that these series of books and movies are meant for pre-teen female adolescence. And it’s sad to think that products like these is what girls will look forward to in the future.

  • TOYBOXX

    I’ve seen the first movie, Twilight, out of shear curiosity on why the movie, and the book for that matter, was so popular. And I think you hit the nail right on the head, Spoony. It’s a visual representation of a female fantasy novel. What made me hate the first movie was the character Bella. At one sight of Edward she was psychotically in love with a person whom she never met nor seen, with the exception of seeing him for the first time at the school cafeteria which, sadly, keeps her mental instability rolling by expressing how much she missed him and all she thought about was Edward. Unicorns and rainbows – Crazy talk I say! What’s worse is, according to the one person who has read the entire series – my girl friend, that one of the main things Bella wanted to do is lose her virginity to Edward. Mind you this was her thoughts mere minutes after she seen this guy. What?

    It’s clear that these series of books and movies are meant for pre-teen female adolescence. And it’s sad to think that products like these is what girls will look forward to in the future.

  • TOYBOXX

    I’ve seen the first movie, Twilight, out of shear curiosity on why the movie, and the book for that matter, was so popular. And I think you hit the nail right on the head, Spoony. It’s a visual representation of a female fantasy novel. What made me hate the first movie was the character Bella. At one sight of Edward she was psychotically in love with a person whom she never met nor seen, with the exception of seeing him for the first time at the school cafeteria which, sadly, keeps her mental instability rolling by expressing how much she missed him and all she thought about was Edward. Unicorns and rainbows – Crazy talk I say! What’s worse is, according to the one person who has read the entire series – my girl friend, that one of the main things Bella wanted to do is lose her virginity to Edward. Mind you this was her thoughts mere minutes after she seen this guy. What?

    It’s clear that these series of books and movies are meant for pre-teen female adolescence. And it’s sad to think that products like these is what girls will look forward to in the future.

  • Brett

    Hilarious review Spoony. What’s really sick about this movie being a 2 hour long man-meat show is when you hear somewhere that most of the meat is underage. My 50 year old mother is absolutely obsessed with the “saga” (I feel dirty using that word to describe this tripe) and thinks the kids that play the werewolves are the hottest thing ever. Between the bad music, poor acting and swooning females, I think I may stay away from the theaters til this shit’s done…I’m about to give up on Hollywood anyway; between book movies, crappy video game movies and remakes I’m starting to wonder if they’re out of real ideas. How sad. keep it up Spoony

  • Brett

    Hilarious review Spoony. What’s really sick about this movie being a 2 hour long man-meat show is when you hear somewhere that most of the meat is underage. My 50 year old mother is absolutely obsessed with the “saga” (I feel dirty using that word to describe this tripe) and thinks the kids that play the werewolves are the hottest thing ever. Between the bad music, poor acting and swooning females, I think I may stay away from the theaters til this shit’s done…I’m about to give up on Hollywood anyway; between book movies, crappy video game movies and remakes I’m starting to wonder if they’re out of real ideas. How sad. keep it up Spoony

  • Brett

    Hilarious review Spoony. What’s really sick about this movie being a 2 hour long man-meat show is when you hear somewhere that most of the meat is underage. My 50 year old mother is absolutely obsessed with the “saga” (I feel dirty using that word to describe this tripe) and thinks the kids that play the werewolves are the hottest thing ever. Between the bad music, poor acting and swooning females, I think I may stay away from the theaters til this shit’s done…I’m about to give up on Hollywood anyway; between book movies, crappy video game movies and remakes I’m starting to wonder if they’re out of real ideas. How sad. keep it up Spoony

  • Hei

    Pattinson is a really good troll. He’s in this flick because of the money and due to contract; he hates his role; he supposedly leaked out a new Twilight book. Thus, the whole constipated look is due to him trying really hard not to laugh at the script.
    Man, I like that guy.

    But yeah, GG Spoony. You did well.

  • Hei

    Pattinson is a really good troll. He’s in this flick because of the money and due to contract; he hates his role; he supposedly leaked out a new Twilight book. Thus, the whole constipated look is due to him trying really hard not to laugh at the script.
    Man, I like that guy.

    But yeah, GG Spoony. You did well.

  • Hei

    Pattinson is a really good troll. He’s in this flick because of the money and due to contract; he hates his role; he supposedly leaked out a new Twilight book. Thus, the whole constipated look is due to him trying really hard not to laugh at the script.
    Man, I like that guy.

    But yeah, GG Spoony. You did well.

  • Hei

    Pattinson is a really good troll. He’s in this flick because of the money and due to contract; he hates his role; he supposedly leaked out a new Twilight book. Thus, the whole constipated look is due to him trying really hard not to laugh at the script.
    Man, I like that guy.

    But yeah, GG Spoony. You did well.

  • Nikki

    I partially blame the actress for Bella (Kristen Stewart). I haven’t sat through the Twilight movies partially due to the fact I saw her in Adventureland and just thought she was terrible. From what you described, she was basically the same needy weak girl character that ‘no one understood’ and although this one guy is just perfectly nice to her, she kept going back to the married maitenance guy (although Ryan Reynolds is pretty hot) and was just very deceiving. She also just seems very emo, along with everything I see Twilight related. I just hope movies like this don’t make guys think that all girls are needy and whiny like that and you could do so much better.

    I’m a girl and I can’t stand anything Twilight related

  • Nikki

    I partially blame the actress for Bella (Kristen Stewart). I haven’t sat through the Twilight movies partially due to the fact I saw her in Adventureland and just thought she was terrible. From what you described, she was basically the same needy weak girl character that ‘no one understood’ and although this one guy is just perfectly nice to her, she kept going back to the married maitenance guy (although Ryan Reynolds is pretty hot) and was just very deceiving. She also just seems very emo, along with everything I see Twilight related. I just hope movies like this don’t make guys think that all girls are needy and whiny like that and you could do so much better.

    I’m a girl and I can’t stand anything Twilight related

  • Nikki

    I partially blame the actress for Bella (Kristen Stewart). I haven’t sat through the Twilight movies partially due to the fact I saw her in Adventureland and just thought she was terrible. From what you described, she was basically the same needy weak girl character that ‘no one understood’ and although this one guy is just perfectly nice to her, she kept going back to the married maitenance guy (although Ryan Reynolds is pretty hot) and was just very deceiving. She also just seems very emo, along with everything I see Twilight related. I just hope movies like this don’t make guys think that all girls are needy and whiny like that and you could do so much better.

    I’m a girl and I can’t stand anything Twilight related

  • Nikki

    I partially blame the actress for Bella (Kristen Stewart). I haven’t sat through the Twilight movies partially due to the fact I saw her in Adventureland and just thought she was terrible. From what you described, she was basically the same needy weak girl character that ‘no one understood’ and although this one guy is just perfectly nice to her, she kept going back to the married maitenance guy (although Ryan Reynolds is pretty hot) and was just very deceiving. She also just seems very emo, along with everything I see Twilight related. I just hope movies like this don’t make guys think that all girls are needy and whiny like that and you could do so much better.

    I’m a girl and I can’t stand anything Twilight related

  • Lancell

    Wait… why did you watch New moon again? Did scarlett drag you along? Or do you like to suffer? I’m going to go with you like to suffer. I didn’t watch transformers 2, first twilight and ‘m not even considering new moon, and I would not even consider paying for them at all… I know I actually should see them for myself to make my own opinion about them, but I rather save the time and money.

  • Lancell

    Wait… why did you watch New moon again? Did scarlett drag you along? Or do you like to suffer? I’m going to go with you like to suffer. I didn’t watch transformers 2, first twilight and ‘m not even considering new moon, and I would not even consider paying for them at all… I know I actually should see them for myself to make my own opinion about them, but I rather save the time and money.

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    I would just like to say I find it highly, highly amusing that so many guys find it so difficult to deal with the…how did one commentator put it…the “man-meat” aspect of this movie. These are, for the most part, the same guys who drool over Slave Lea (or any number of scantiliy clad female characters–superhero and otherwise) aimed at the male-geek demographic. Not very easy to stomach when your gender is being disparaged, oogled, and jerked-off too (and when all this is being discussed ad-nauseum and in great and disgusting detail among fans) is it, gents? And because this is the internet, I’ll add that that wasn’t intended to be snarky (well okay maybe just a little), just a genuine comment on the way the shoe is on the other foot when it comes to this series. I don’t like it any more than I like staring at a male fanservice ‘super-heroine’s’ G-cups, believe me, and am looking forward to the day when characters are just…*characters,* are treated with equal respect regardless of gender or what people think will sell tickets/comics/games/what have you.

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    I would just like to say I find it highly, highly amusing that so many guys find it so difficult to deal with the…how did one commentator put it…the “man-meat” aspect of this movie. These are, for the most part, the same guys who drool over Slave Lea (or any number of scantiliy clad female characters–superhero and otherwise) aimed at the male-geek demographic. Not very easy to stomach when your gender is being disparaged, oogled, and jerked-off too (and when all this is being discussed ad-nauseum and in great and disgusting detail among fans) is it, gents? And because this is the internet, I’ll add that that wasn’t intended to be snarky (well okay maybe just a little), just a genuine comment on the way the shoe is on the other foot when it comes to this series. I don’t like it any more than I like staring at a male fanservice ‘super-heroine’s’ G-cups, believe me, and am looking forward to the day when characters are just…*characters,* are treated with equal respect regardless of gender or what people think will sell tickets/comics/games/what have you.

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    I would just like to say I find it highly, highly amusing that so many guys find it so difficult to deal with the…how did one commentator put it…the “man-meat” aspect of this movie. These are, for the most part, the same guys who drool over Slave Lea (or any number of scantiliy clad female characters–superhero and otherwise) aimed at the male-geek demographic. Not very easy to stomach when your gender is being disparaged, oogled, and jerked-off too (and when all this is being discussed ad-nauseum and in great and disgusting detail among fans) is it, gents? And because this is the internet, I’ll add that that wasn’t intended to be snarky (well okay maybe just a little), just a genuine comment on the way the shoe is on the other foot when it comes to this series. I don’t like it any more than I like staring at a male fanservice ‘super-heroine’s’ G-cups, believe me, and am looking forward to the day when characters are just…*characters,* are treated with equal respect regardless of gender or what people think will sell tickets/comics/games/what have you.

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    I would just like to say I find it highly, highly amusing that so many guys find it so difficult to deal with the…how did one commentator put it…the “man-meat” aspect of this movie. These are, for the most part, the same guys who drool over Slave Lea (or any number of scantiliy clad female characters–superhero and otherwise) aimed at the male-geek demographic. Not very easy to stomach when your gender is being disparaged, oogled, and jerked-off too (and when all this is being discussed ad-nauseum and in great and disgusting detail among fans) is it, gents? And because this is the internet, I’ll add that that wasn’t intended to be snarky (well okay maybe just a little), just a genuine comment on the way the shoe is on the other foot when it comes to this series. I don’t like it any more than I like staring at a male fanservice ‘super-heroine’s’ G-cups, believe me, and am looking forward to the day when characters are just…*characters,* are treated with equal respect regardless of gender or what people think will sell tickets/comics/games/what have you.

  • Unverbose

    Congratulations, you just made New Moon funny.

  • Unverbose

    Congratulations, you just made New Moon funny.

  • Unverbose

    Congratulations, you just made New Moon funny.

  • Unverbose

    Congratulations, you just made New Moon funny.

  • DeathsHead419

    Wow…How do you fuck up “Ware-wolves chase vampire”? That souldn’t be possible. Oh, and I think we should all just assume that Noah was forced at gun point into the theater.

  • DeathsHead419

    Wow…How do you fuck up “Ware-wolves chase vampire”? That souldn’t be possible. Oh, and I think we should all just assume that Noah was forced at gun point into the theater.

  • DeathsHead419

    Wow…How do you fuck up “Ware-wolves chase vampire”? That souldn’t be possible. Oh, and I think we should all just assume that Noah was forced at gun point into the theater.

  • DeathsHead419

    Wow…How do you fuck up “Ware-wolves chase vampire”? That souldn’t be possible. Oh, and I think we should all just assume that Noah was forced at gun point into the theater.

  • Sandrock

    Another excellent review from the Spoony one.

    Having said that, I need to try this Riffrax thing out but in order to do that, I need the DVD of Twilight . . . hmm, hard choice indeed

  • Sandrock

    Another excellent review from the Spoony one.

    Having said that, I need to try this Riffrax thing out but in order to do that, I need the DVD of Twilight . . . hmm, hard choice indeed

  • Sandrock

    Another excellent review from the Spoony one.

    Having said that, I need to try this Riffrax thing out but in order to do that, I need the DVD of Twilight . . . hmm, hard choice indeed

  • Sandrock

    Another excellent review from the Spoony one.

    Having said that, I need to try this Riffrax thing out but in order to do that, I need the DVD of Twilight . . . hmm, hard choice indeed

  • Strelnikov

    My only question is: Was this shittier than a Mormon prom?

    Missed a perfect callback…

  • Strelnikov

    My only question is: Was this shittier than a Mormon prom?

    Missed a perfect callback…

  • Strelnikov

    My only question is: Was this shittier than a Mormon prom?

    Missed a perfect callback…

  • Strelnikov

    My only question is: Was this shittier than a Mormon prom?

    Missed a perfect callback…

  • Booshwa

    I can’t bring myself to watch this movie, I never even finished the first Twilight movie. Tried to watch it straight, didn’t make it past 20 minutes. Tried to watch the RiffTrax version of it, made it MAYBE an hour in after literally 2 weeks of watching it about 10 minutes at a time. I couldn’t take anymore of it, even with the funny commentary. I would seriously look at the time, expecting maybe 30 minutes gone and it would only be 10 minutes more then when I started, thats when I was like fuck that and shut it off, only to try again in the next few days. Can you believe it made, what was it? 79 million opening weekend? Wait, I can believe, because this god awful movie has a huge fan base, but not me, not any of my friends, no one in my immediate family other then my 14 year old niece will plan on watching let alone buying any of these movies. Vampire movies will never be the same and it makes me sad. Now every time someone mentions vampires, I’ll have to ask “Do they sparkle?”

  • Booshwa

    I can’t bring myself to watch this movie, I never even finished the first Twilight movie. Tried to watch it straight, didn’t make it past 20 minutes. Tried to watch the RiffTrax version of it, made it MAYBE an hour in after literally 2 weeks of watching it about 10 minutes at a time. I couldn’t take anymore of it, even with the funny commentary. I would seriously look at the time, expecting maybe 30 minutes gone and it would only be 10 minutes more then when I started, thats when I was like fuck that and shut it off, only to try again in the next few days. Can you believe it made, what was it? 79 million opening weekend? Wait, I can believe, because this god awful movie has a huge fan base, but not me, not any of my friends, no one in my immediate family other then my 14 year old niece will plan on watching let alone buying any of these movies. Vampire movies will never be the same and it makes me sad. Now every time someone mentions vampires, I’ll have to ask “Do they sparkle?”

  • 0dd1

    I saw this movie yesterday. I needed to bleach my brain after it.

    As a matter of fact, I wrote up a review of it myself and posted it to my Facebook profile; it was the only possible solution to make me less suicidal. Here’s a few samples of what I wrote:
    “Her father, Charlie (no relation to the dog from All Dogs Go to Heaven), pretty much tells her that her crippling depression is getting annoying and that he’s going to be sending her to her mother in Florida (NO!! THE HORROR!!) if she doesn’t just get over it. I suppose sending her to a psychologist is out of the question, as there are apparently NONE in the never-sunny town of Forks, Washington.”

    “She goes to a movie with her extremely nervous friend [...] and Jacob. I forgot what the movie was called, but it seemed like an over-the-top, completely uninformed parody of movies that are nothing but gore. All this gore completely mortifies Pansy Boy and he rushes to the nearest bathroom. This makes Jacob angry. HOW DARE HE BECOME WOOZY AT THE SIGHT OF BLOOD, GUTS, AND GLOR–er…GORE!! I’ll teach HIM to become sick. However, just when Jacob is about to rip out Gardenia’s liver, Bella tells him to take a chill pill. Then, some stuff happens, and eventually Bella learns that her friend is a werewolf. In other words, the writers thought of an excuse to get Taylor Lautner to go throughout the rest of the movie shirtless.”

    “And just like the Sopranos finale, it cuts to black. The end. Run out of the theatre, never look back, and get some brain bleach.
    So, what did I think of the film? If you’re still wondering that, please kindly bang your head against the wall as I wanted to do throughout half the movie.”

  • Booshwa

    I can’t bring myself to watch this movie, I never even finished the first Twilight movie. Tried to watch it straight, didn’t make it past 20 minutes. Tried to watch the RiffTrax version of it, made it MAYBE an hour in after literally 2 weeks of watching it about 10 minutes at a time. I couldn’t take anymore of it, even with the funny commentary. I would seriously look at the time, expecting maybe 30 minutes gone and it would only be 10 minutes more then when I started, thats when I was like fuck that and shut it off, only to try again in the next few days. Can you believe it made, what was it? 79 million opening weekend? Wait, I can believe, because this god awful movie has a huge fan base, but not me, not any of my friends, no one in my immediate family other then my 14 year old niece will plan on watching let alone buying any of these movies. Vampire movies will never be the same and it makes me sad. Now every time someone mentions vampires, I’ll have to ask “Do they sparkle?”

  • 0dd1

    I saw this movie yesterday. I needed to bleach my brain after it.

    As a matter of fact, I wrote up a review of it myself and posted it to my Facebook profile; it was the only possible solution to make me less suicidal. Here’s a few samples of what I wrote:
    “Her father, Charlie (no relation to the dog from All Dogs Go to Heaven), pretty much tells her that her crippling depression is getting annoying and that he’s going to be sending her to her mother in Florida (NO!! THE HORROR!!) if she doesn’t just get over it. I suppose sending her to a psychologist is out of the question, as there are apparently NONE in the never-sunny town of Forks, Washington.”

    “She goes to a movie with her extremely nervous friend [...] and Jacob. I forgot what the movie was called, but it seemed like an over-the-top, completely uninformed parody of movies that are nothing but gore. All this gore completely mortifies Pansy Boy and he rushes to the nearest bathroom. This makes Jacob angry. HOW DARE HE BECOME WOOZY AT THE SIGHT OF BLOOD, GUTS, AND GLOR–er…GORE!! I’ll teach HIM to become sick. However, just when Jacob is about to rip out Gardenia’s liver, Bella tells him to take a chill pill. Then, some stuff happens, and eventually Bella learns that her friend is a werewolf. In other words, the writers thought of an excuse to get Taylor Lautner to go throughout the rest of the movie shirtless.”

    “And just like the Sopranos finale, it cuts to black. The end. Run out of the theatre, never look back, and get some brain bleach.
    So, what did I think of the film? If you’re still wondering that, please kindly bang your head against the wall as I wanted to do throughout half the movie.”

  • bmoore4026

    Vampire muffins? The hell!?

  • bmoore4026

    Vampire muffins? The hell!?

  • bmoore4026

    Vampire muffins? The hell!?

  • bmoore4026

    Vampire muffins? The hell!?

  • Booshwa

    Oh forgot to mention, Great review Spoony! When I saw it was about New Moon, I knew it would going to be a kick ass, funny as hell review and I always check for new content, mostly using your news feed.

  • Booshwa

    Oh forgot to mention, Great review Spoony! When I saw it was about New Moon, I knew it would going to be a kick ass, funny as hell review and I always check for new content, mostly using your news feed.

  • Booshwa

    Oh forgot to mention, Great review Spoony! When I saw it was about New Moon, I knew it would going to be a kick ass, funny as hell review and I always check for new content, mostly using your news feed.

  • Sombrafox

    Since you mentioned it as a comedy, I wanted to know if you have seen Dance me Outside. I would love to see someone compare those two movies.

  • Sombrafox

    Since you mentioned it as a comedy, I wanted to know if you have seen Dance me Outside. I would love to see someone compare those two movies.

  • Sombrafox

    Since you mentioned it as a comedy, I wanted to know if you have seen Dance me Outside. I would love to see someone compare those two movies.

  • Booshwa

    Oh forgot to mention, Great review Spoony! When I saw it was about New Moon, I knew it would going to be a kick ass, funny as hell review and I always check for new content, mostly using your news feed.

  • Sombrafox

    Since you mentioned it as a comedy, I wanted to know if you have seen Dance me Outside. I would love to see someone compare those two movies.

  • http://kawanimator.com/ Waddle Deluxe

    Ok… I’m almost done with the video, but I just gotta say, I just cracked the hell up at “they’re just about to kiss and someone bursts in the door and shouts “I MADE MUFFINS!!”"

    Also, yes… definitely porn for girls. I concur.

  • http://kawanimator.com/ Waddle Deluxe

    Ok… I’m almost done with the video, but I just gotta say, I just cracked the hell up at “they’re just about to kiss and someone bursts in the door and shouts “I MADE MUFFINS!!”"

    Also, yes… definitely porn for girls. I concur.

  • http://kawanimator.com/ Waddle Deluxe

    Ok… I’m almost done with the video, but I just gotta say, I just cracked the hell up at “they’re just about to kiss and someone bursts in the door and shouts “I MADE MUFFINS!!”"

    Also, yes… definitely porn for girls. I concur.

  • http://kawanimator.com Waddle Deluxe

    Ok… I’m almost done with the video, but I just gotta say, I just cracked the hell up at “they’re just about to kiss and someone bursts in the door and shouts “I MADE MUFFINS!!”"

    Also, yes… definitely porn for girls. I concur.

  • Mistah J

    As I see more of the Twilight saga, I’m noticing more and more parallels between it and Final Fantasy VII. Retarded fanbase and some of the most irrational, unlikable, and unrealistic characters ever created. How are we supposed to identify with these characters?

  • bmoore4026

    Trust me, as a guy who likes guys, there are better movies with slabs o hunk o men in them; I’m not going neat the Twilight series unless with an oak stake and a hammer.

  • bmoore4026

    Trust me, as a guy who likes guys, there are better movies with slabs o hunk o men in them; I’m not going neat the Twilight series unless with an oak stake and a hammer.

  • bmoore4026

    Trust me, as a guy who likes guys, there are better movies with slabs o hunk o men in them; I’m not going neat the Twilight series unless with an oak stake and a hammer.

  • Mistah J

    As I see more of the Twilight saga, I’m noticing more and more parallels between it and Final Fantasy VII. Retarded fanbase and some of the most irrational, unlikable, and unrealistic characters ever created. How are we supposed to identify with these characters?

  • bmoore4026

    Trust me, as a guy who likes guys, there are better movies with slabs o hunk o men in them; I’m not going neat the Twilight series unless with an oak stake and a hammer.

  • Rin

    You basically took the words out of my mouth.

    This seriously filthy porn for girls is just…. ugh.

    I’ve read the books. I just…. CHRIST.

    Bella/Meyer is the biggest bitch in the Universe.

  • Rin

    You basically took the words out of my mouth.

    This seriously filthy porn for girls is just…. ugh.

    I’ve read the books. I just…. CHRIST.

    Bella/Meyer is the biggest bitch in the Universe.

  • Rin

    You basically took the words out of my mouth.

    This seriously filthy porn for girls is just…. ugh.

    I’ve read the books. I just…. CHRIST.

    Bella/Meyer is the biggest bitch in the Universe.

  • Rin

    You basically took the words out of my mouth.

    This seriously filthy porn for girls is just…. ugh.

    I’ve read the books. I just…. CHRIST.

    Bella/Meyer is the biggest bitch in the Universe.

  • http://sailorgamer.wordpress.com/ Treima

    @ The Interbutt:

    You are a schmuck.

    That is all.

  • http://sailorgamer.wordpress.com/ Treima

    @ The Interbutt:

    You are a schmuck.

    That is all.

  • http://sailorgamer.wordpress.com/ Treima

    @ The Interbutt:

    You are a schmuck.

    That is all.

  • http://sailorgamer.wordpress.com Treima

    @ The Interbutt:

    You are a schmuck.

    That is all.

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    *wince* Oops, I think my original comment got nuked due to the link in it. Sorry about that. I’ll just say that if you want an additional wonderful take on the Twilight series, its well worth looking at MovieBob’s column over at The Escapist. Not nearly as funny as Spoony, but very good nonetheless.

    Spoony, this was an awesome, AWESOME review, and I liked your written take on Bella’s character (“and another thing…!” even better than I liked the video, honestly. (This is probably not news to you but you write very, very well–in fact your written reviews are some of my favorite things on the site. Personally I’d love to see more of them. Or at least more extensive written supplements to videos, like the one you did here.) Anyway, very astute observations on the movie and on Bella herself. Excellent work sir.

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    *wince* Oops, I think my original comment got nuked due to the link in it. Sorry about that. I’ll just say that if you want an additional wonderful take on the Twilight series, its well worth looking at MovieBob’s column over at The Escapist. Not nearly as funny as Spoony, but very good nonetheless.

    Spoony, this was an awesome, AWESOME review, and I liked your written take on Bella’s character (“and another thing…!” even better than I liked the video, honestly. (This is probably not news to you but you write very, very well–in fact your written reviews are some of my favorite things on the site. Personally I’d love to see more of them. Or at least more extensive written supplements to videos, like the one you did here.) Anyway, very astute observations on the movie and on Bella herself. Excellent work sir.

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    *wince* Oops, I think my original comment got nuked due to the link in it. Sorry about that. I’ll just say that if you want an additional wonderful take on the Twilight series, its well worth looking at MovieBob’s column over at The Escapist. Not nearly as funny as Spoony, but very good nonetheless.

    Spoony, this was an awesome, AWESOME review, and I liked your written take on Bella’s character (“and another thing…!” even better than I liked the video, honestly. (This is probably not news to you but you write very, very well–in fact your written reviews are some of my favorite things on the site. Personally I’d love to see more of them. Or at least more extensive written supplements to videos, like the one you did here.) Anyway, very astute observations on the movie and on Bella herself. Excellent work sir.

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    *wince* Oops, I think my original comment got nuked due to the link in it. Sorry about that. I’ll just say that if you want an additional wonderful take on the Twilight series, its well worth looking at MovieBob’s column over at The Escapist. Not nearly as funny as Spoony, but very good nonetheless.

    Spoony, this was an awesome, AWESOME review, and I liked your written take on Bella’s character (“and another thing…!” even better than I liked the video, honestly. (This is probably not news to you but you write very, very well–in fact your written reviews are some of my favorite things on the site. Personally I’d love to see more of them. Or at least more extensive written supplements to videos, like the one you did here.) Anyway, very astute observations on the movie and on Bella herself. Excellent work sir.

  • Jost1

    Hahaha,, i this was seriously the second best movie review you have done…(after yor ofc) this was comedy gold, damn spoony, you make the world a better place xD

  • Jost1

    Hahaha,, i this was seriously the second best movie review you have done…(after yor ofc) this was comedy gold, damn spoony, you make the world a better place xD

  • Jost1

    Hahaha,, i this was seriously the second best movie review you have done…(after yor ofc) this was comedy gold, damn spoony, you make the world a better place xD

  • Jost1

    Hahaha,, i this was seriously the second best movie review you have done…(after yor ofc) this was comedy gold, damn spoony, you make the world a better place xD

  • Professor Centipede

    DON’T unplug the toaster Bella. DON’T take it to the bathroom. DON’T put it in the tub while the water is running….

  • Professor Centipede

    DON’T unplug the toaster Bella. DON’T take it to the bathroom. DON’T put it in the tub while the water is running….

  • Professor Centipede

    DON’T unplug the toaster Bella. DON’T take it to the bathroom. DON’T put it in the tub while the water is running….

  • Professor Centipede

    DON’T unplug the toaster Bella. DON’T take it to the bathroom. DON’T put it in the tub while the water is running….

  • Nick G

    I’m sorry to say that my school has this series of books available for purchase alongside standard text books and traditional American and international classics. Wtf? Spoony took his time to do it but he summed it up, sort of, at the end by implying that it’s just wank fodder for girls and gays.

    All I really knew before taking in the vitriolic commentary by Spoony and other like-minded people was that it had shitty vampires. Now I know it also has shitty humans, and they’re involved in a shitty story for shitty reasons.

    Seriously, how to people come to like these awful characters? It’s all ridiculous emo garbage that lacks so much substance you wonder how anyone is even aware of it. How are the books these movies are based on in my school book store?

    I enjoyed the lengthy review btw. I’d rather hear about exactly why something sucks rather than just being told it does.

    Oh I almost forgot to mention shitty werewolves. Can’t forget the shitty werewolves!

  • Nick G

    I’m sorry to say that my school has this series of books available for purchase alongside standard text books and traditional American and international classics. Wtf? Spoony took his time to do it but he summed it up, sort of, at the end by implying that it’s just wank fodder for girls and gays.

    All I really knew before taking in the vitriolic commentary by Spoony and other like-minded people was that it had shitty vampires. Now I know it also has shitty humans, and they’re involved in a shitty story for shitty reasons.

    Seriously, how to people come to like these awful characters? It’s all ridiculous emo garbage that lacks so much substance you wonder how anyone is even aware of it. How are the books these movies are based on in my school book store?

    I enjoyed the lengthy review btw. I’d rather hear about exactly why something sucks rather than just being told it does.

    Oh I almost forgot to mention shitty werewolves. Can’t forget the shitty werewolves!

  • Nick G

    I’m sorry to say that my school has this series of books available for purchase alongside standard text books and traditional American and international classics. Wtf? Spoony took his time to do it but he summed it up, sort of, at the end by implying that it’s just wank fodder for girls and gays.

    All I really knew before taking in the vitriolic commentary by Spoony and other like-minded people was that it had shitty vampires. Now I know it also has shitty humans, and they’re involved in a shitty story for shitty reasons.

    Seriously, how to people come to like these awful characters? It’s all ridiculous emo garbage that lacks so much substance you wonder how anyone is even aware of it. How are the books these movies are based on in my school book store?

    I enjoyed the lengthy review btw. I’d rather hear about exactly why something sucks rather than just being told it does.

    Oh I almost forgot to mention shitty werewolves. Can’t forget the shitty werewolves!

  • http://www.savepointonline.com/ Sean

    I’ve actually took the time to read those books. I’ve considered doing something like “A guy’s view on Twilight” or something like that. Like posting on the TGWTG forums or something. Wonder if anyone would give a shit…

  • http://www.savepointonline.com/ Sean

    I’ve actually took the time to read those books. I’ve considered doing something like “A guy’s view on Twilight” or something like that. Like posting on the TGWTG forums or something. Wonder if anyone would give a shit…

  • http://www.savepointonline.com/ Sean

    I’ve actually took the time to read those books. I’ve considered doing something like “A guy’s view on Twilight” or something like that. Like posting on the TGWTG forums or something. Wonder if anyone would give a shit…

  • Nick G

    I’m sorry to say that my school has this series of books available for purchase alongside standard text books and traditional American and international classics. Wtf? Spoony took his time to do it but he summed it up, sort of, at the end by implying that it’s just wank fodder for girls and gays.

    All I really knew before taking in the vitriolic commentary by Spoony and other like-minded people was that it had shitty vampires. Now I know it also has shitty humans, and they’re involved in a shitty story for shitty reasons.

    Seriously, how to people come to like these awful characters? It’s all ridiculous emo garbage that lacks so much substance you wonder how anyone is even aware of it. How are the books these movies are based on in my school book store?

    I enjoyed the lengthy review btw. I’d rather hear about exactly why something sucks rather than just being told it does.

    Oh I almost forgot to mention shitty werewolves. Can’t forget the shitty werewolves!

  • http://www.savepointonline.com Sean

    I’ve actually took the time to read those books. I’ve considered doing something like “A guy’s view on Twilight” or something like that. Like posting on the TGWTG forums or something. Wonder if anyone would give a shit…

  • Loner

    Argh, I’m probably going to get bombarded for this but..a couple things:
    In the book it’s explained that when Edward left, he didn’t forget about Victoria. He was tracking her, though he admits he wasn’t doing too well with that (he was led off on a fake trail, to where I completely forget, though I know it started in Texas.) I have no clue what the movies explanation is…
    In vampiric speed, I would think it would take about 5 minutes at most to get packed up. Also, he wouldn’t be taking everything with him. And anyway, he would probably just need to take money with him.
    I dunno about the phone thing, but if she did call him, I don’t think he would answer.
    The werewolves always lived in Forks.
    In the book to me Bella seems much more independent and..likeable I guess. When she comes out of her “trance” and notices how much harm she’s done to the people around her, she feels terrible and tries to get over it.

    Not trying to protect the movie or anything. I hate hate HATE the movies…but yeah, just wanted to point out some things. g’day

  • Loner

    Argh, I’m probably going to get bombarded for this but..a couple things:
    In the book it’s explained that when Edward left, he didn’t forget about Victoria. He was tracking her, though he admits he wasn’t doing too well with that (he was led off on a fake trail, to where I completely forget, though I know it started in Texas.) I have no clue what the movies explanation is…
    In vampiric speed, I would think it would take about 5 minutes at most to get packed up. Also, he wouldn’t be taking everything with him. And anyway, he would probably just need to take money with him.
    I dunno about the phone thing, but if she did call him, I don’t think he would answer.
    The werewolves always lived in Forks.
    In the book to me Bella seems much more independent and..likeable I guess. When she comes out of her “trance” and notices how much harm she’s done to the people around her, she feels terrible and tries to get over it.

    Not trying to protect the movie or anything. I hate hate HATE the movies…but yeah, just wanted to point out some things. g’day

  • Loner

    Argh, I’m probably going to get bombarded for this but..a couple things:
    In the book it’s explained that when Edward left, he didn’t forget about Victoria. He was tracking her, though he admits he wasn’t doing too well with that (he was led off on a fake trail, to where I completely forget, though I know it started in Texas.) I have no clue what the movies explanation is…
    In vampiric speed, I would think it would take about 5 minutes at most to get packed up. Also, he wouldn’t be taking everything with him. And anyway, he would probably just need to take money with him.
    I dunno about the phone thing, but if she did call him, I don’t think he would answer.
    The werewolves always lived in Forks.
    In the book to me Bella seems much more independent and..likeable I guess. When she comes out of her “trance” and notices how much harm she’s done to the people around her, she feels terrible and tries to get over it.

    Not trying to protect the movie or anything. I hate hate HATE the movies…but yeah, just wanted to point out some things. g’day

  • Loner

    Argh, I’m probably going to get bombarded for this but..a couple things:
    In the book it’s explained that when Edward left, he didn’t forget about Victoria. He was tracking her, though he admits he wasn’t doing too well with that (he was led off on a fake trail, to where I completely forget, though I know it started in Texas.) I have no clue what the movies explanation is…
    In vampiric speed, I would think it would take about 5 minutes at most to get packed up. Also, he wouldn’t be taking everything with him. And anyway, he would probably just need to take money with him.
    I dunno about the phone thing, but if she did call him, I don’t think he would answer.
    The werewolves always lived in Forks.
    In the book to me Bella seems much more independent and..likeable I guess. When she comes out of her “trance” and notices how much harm she’s done to the people around her, she feels terrible and tries to get over it.

    Not trying to protect the movie or anything. I hate hate HATE the movies…but yeah, just wanted to point out some things. g’day

  • Dr Forrester

    Someone needs to do a remake of the original Dracula story. But more like the Universal one from 1931, with an emphasis on atmosphere, but of course with a little bit of blood. The damage that series like Twilight and True Blood have done to the awesome vampire mythology set by Bram Stoker, making them seem like bitches instead of the badass image set by Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, (I’m straight, but I’m pretty sure they’re not meant to be eye candy), is inexcusable. And the stars of the movies are such crappy, melodramatic actors, I can’t fucking stand it >.<

  • Dr Forrester

    Someone needs to do a remake of the original Dracula story. But more like the Universal one from 1931, with an emphasis on atmosphere, but of course with a little bit of blood. The damage that series like Twilight and True Blood have done to the awesome vampire mythology set by Bram Stoker, making them seem like bitches instead of the badass image set by Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, (I’m straight, but I’m pretty sure they’re not meant to be eye candy), is inexcusable. And the stars of the movies are such crappy, melodramatic actors, I can’t fucking stand it >.<

  • Dr Forrester

    Someone needs to do a remake of the original Dracula story. But more like the Universal one from 1931, with an emphasis on atmosphere, but of course with a little bit of blood. The damage that series like Twilight and True Blood have done to the awesome vampire mythology set by Bram Stoker, making them seem like bitches instead of the badass image set by Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, (I’m straight, but I’m pretty sure they’re not meant to be eye candy), is inexcusable. And the stars of the movies are such crappy, melodramatic actors, I can’t fucking stand it >.<

  • Dr Forrester

    Someone needs to do a remake of the original Dracula story. But more like the Universal one from 1931, with an emphasis on atmosphere, but of course with a little bit of blood. The damage that series like Twilight and True Blood have done to the awesome vampire mythology set by Bram Stoker, making them seem like bitches instead of the badass image set by Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, (I’m straight, but I’m pretty sure they’re not meant to be eye candy), is inexcusable. And the stars of the movies are such crappy, melodramatic actors, I can’t fucking stand it >.<

  • wiegeabo

    Spoony, I seriously hope that since you make money off your work you get to write off the cost of tickets to these movies on your taxes as business expenses. No one should have to pay money to put themselves through misery like this. Thanks for confirming that my avoidance of anything related to this series was correct.

  • wiegeabo

    Spoony, I seriously hope that since you make money off your work you get to write off the cost of tickets to these movies on your taxes as business expenses. No one should have to pay money to put themselves through misery like this. Thanks for confirming that my avoidance of anything related to this series was correct.

  • wiegeabo

    Spoony, I seriously hope that since you make money off your work you get to write off the cost of tickets to these movies on your taxes as business expenses. No one should have to pay money to put themselves through misery like this. Thanks for confirming that my avoidance of anything related to this series was correct.

  • wiegeabo

    Spoony, I seriously hope that since you make money off your work you get to write off the cost of tickets to these movies on your taxes as business expenses. No one should have to pay money to put themselves through misery like this. Thanks for confirming that my avoidance of anything related to this series was correct.

  • DrDanco

    ALL HAIL THE SPOONY ONE

  • DrDanco

    ALL HAIL THE SPOONY ONE

  • KillerBunnyFooFoo

    Lord do I hate this series. Vegetarian vampires that sparkle, Whiny and spoiled good looking girls crying because she’ll have to get old? Really? If Bram saw what would become of his creation, I am sure he would have hurled it into the fire for kindling. The only way this movie would have been good is if Wesley Snipes appeared at the end as Blade, violently killing the sad excuse for vamps and weres, and leaving Bella alive to age. Hell, it should be the ending for both books and movies alike, as the books are truly just as bad, if not worst. It’s like all the bad Anne Rice fanfiction and all the Final Fantasy fanfiction came together and had the anti-christ ruler of all bad fan fiction. I’ve read stories by teenagers that had better character development and mythology.

    And the thing that gets me the most is that this series was made for adolescents, kids too young to know the difference between fantasy and real life. Abusive relationships, suicide due to loss of a man, and having parents who just “don’t get it” are nothing new to the books in the romance section. But those are made for adults, people who know reading them will let them exercise dark themes in their minds in a safe way; people who (hopefully) know that it is not okay to let anyone rule your life. If this was just another trashy romance novel, I wouldn’t care, but to be so immoral as to merchandise this to kids is pretty fucking sick.

    I applaud Spoony for actually making the series funny and smart. And I know this series is the perfect troll fodder, but Spoony once again gives his original take to prove he’s not just jumping on the band wagon. Awesome job, SpoonyOne. Twilight doesn’t deserve you making it so entertaining.

  • KillerBunnyFooFoo

    Lord do I hate this series. Vegetarian vampires that sparkle, Whiny and spoiled good looking girls crying because she’ll have to get old? Really? If Bram saw what would become of his creation, I am sure he would have hurled it into the fire for kindling. The only way this movie would have been good is if Wesley Snipes appeared at the end as Blade, violently killing the sad excuse for vamps and weres, and leaving Bella alive to age. Hell, it should be the ending for both books and movies alike, as the books are truly just as bad, if not worst. It’s like all the bad Anne Rice fanfiction and all the Final Fantasy fanfiction came together and had the anti-christ ruler of all bad fan fiction. I’ve read stories by teenagers that had better character development and mythology.

    And the thing that gets me the most is that this series was made for adolescents, kids too young to know the difference between fantasy and real life. Abusive relationships, suicide due to loss of a man, and having parents who just “don’t get it” are nothing new to the books in the romance section. But those are made for adults, people who know reading them will let them exercise dark themes in their minds in a safe way; people who (hopefully) know that it is not okay to let anyone rule your life. If this was just another trashy romance novel, I wouldn’t care, but to be so immoral as to merchandise this to kids is pretty fucking sick.

    I applaud Spoony for actually making the series funny and smart. And I know this series is the perfect troll fodder, but Spoony once again gives his original take to prove he’s not just jumping on the band wagon. Awesome job, SpoonyOne. Twilight doesn’t deserve you making it so entertaining.

  • KillerBunnyFooFoo

    Lord do I hate this series. Vegetarian vampires that sparkle, Whiny and spoiled good looking girls crying because she’ll have to get old? Really? If Bram saw what would become of his creation, I am sure he would have hurled it into the fire for kindling. The only way this movie would have been good is if Wesley Snipes appeared at the end as Blade, violently killing the sad excuse for vamps and weres, and leaving Bella alive to age. Hell, it should be the ending for both books and movies alike, as the books are truly just as bad, if not worst. It’s like all the bad Anne Rice fanfiction and all the Final Fantasy fanfiction came together and had the anti-christ ruler of all bad fan fiction. I’ve read stories by teenagers that had better character development and mythology.

    And the thing that gets me the most is that this series was made for adolescents, kids too young to know the difference between fantasy and real life. Abusive relationships, suicide due to loss of a man, and having parents who just “don’t get it” are nothing new to the books in the romance section. But those are made for adults, people who know reading them will let them exercise dark themes in their minds in a safe way; people who (hopefully) know that it is not okay to let anyone rule your life. If this was just another trashy romance novel, I wouldn’t care, but to be so immoral as to merchandise this to kids is pretty fucking sick.

    I applaud Spoony for actually making the series funny and smart. And I know this series is the perfect troll fodder, but Spoony once again gives his original take to prove he’s not just jumping on the band wagon. Awesome job, SpoonyOne. Twilight doesn’t deserve you making it so entertaining.

  • KillerBunnyFooFoo

    Lord do I hate this series. Vegetarian vampires that sparkle, Whiny and spoiled good looking girls crying because she’ll have to get old? Really? If Bram saw what would become of his creation, I am sure he would have hurled it into the fire for kindling. The only way this movie would have been good is if Wesley Snipes appeared at the end as Blade, violently killing the sad excuse for vamps and weres, and leaving Bella alive to age. Hell, it should be the ending for both books and movies alike, as the books are truly just as bad, if not worst. It’s like all the bad Anne Rice fanfiction and all the Final Fantasy fanfiction came together and had the anti-christ ruler of all bad fan fiction. I’ve read stories by teenagers that had better character development and mythology.

    And the thing that gets me the most is that this series was made for adolescents, kids too young to know the difference between fantasy and real life. Abusive relationships, suicide due to loss of a man, and having parents who just “don’t get it” are nothing new to the books in the romance section. But those are made for adults, people who know reading them will let them exercise dark themes in their minds in a safe way; people who (hopefully) know that it is not okay to let anyone rule your life. If this was just another trashy romance novel, I wouldn’t care, but to be so immoral as to merchandise this to kids is pretty fucking sick.

    I applaud Spoony for actually making the series funny and smart. And I know this series is the perfect troll fodder, but Spoony once again gives his original take to prove he’s not just jumping on the band wagon. Awesome job, SpoonyOne. Twilight doesn’t deserve you making it so entertaining.

  • Smut

    Going back to X-Men real fast, its not a homosexuality allusion, its an everything taboo allusion. Gay, Atheist, BDSM, etc. Its a universal thing.

    But back on topic… why would you go to see this in the first place you could have predicted all of this drivel and done a 20 min review out your ass. Why did you subject yourself?

  • Smut

    Going back to X-Men real fast, its not a homosexuality allusion, its an everything taboo allusion. Gay, Atheist, BDSM, etc. Its a universal thing.

    But back on topic… why would you go to see this in the first place you could have predicted all of this drivel and done a 20 min review out your ass. Why did you subject yourself?

  • Smut

    Going back to X-Men real fast, its not a homosexuality allusion, its an everything taboo allusion. Gay, Atheist, BDSM, etc. Its a universal thing.

    But back on topic… why would you go to see this in the first place you could have predicted all of this drivel and done a 20 min review out your ass. Why did you subject yourself?

  • Smut

    Going back to X-Men real fast, its not a homosexuality allusion, its an everything taboo allusion. Gay, Atheist, BDSM, etc. Its a universal thing.

    But back on topic… why would you go to see this in the first place you could have predicted all of this drivel and done a 20 min review out your ass. Why did you subject yourself?

  • Loner

    Ahh xD Sorry, forgot some other stuff.

    Edward learned about Bella being “killed” through Rosalie…who found out through Alice, who found out through her physic abilities (though she can only see vampire and human futures, since she was a human once and is a vampire.)
    Vampires are extremely hard to kill. The book says there is only one way to kill a vampire, which is to shred them to pieces and set the pieces on fire. Jumping in front of a train wouldn’t work.
    Now that I think of it, you have good point about his plan. I guess the Volturi would just be worried that people’s imaginations would go wild.
    In the book (yeah I know I cite the book alot, mainly because I’m thinking that the people who made the movie assumed only people who read the books would want to watch the movies…) Edward threw his cellphone into a garbage can after Rosalie called him.
    Alice tells Bella (again, in the book) that you can actually lie with your thoughts, so Edward wouldn’t believe Alice if she ran over there and told him Bella was alive.
    Not all vampires have special powers. Just some.
    You like muffins, don’t you? xD

  • Loner

    Ahh xD Sorry, forgot some other stuff.

    Edward learned about Bella being “killed” through Rosalie…who found out through Alice, who found out through her physic abilities (though she can only see vampire and human futures, since she was a human once and is a vampire.)
    Vampires are extremely hard to kill. The book says there is only one way to kill a vampire, which is to shred them to pieces and set the pieces on fire. Jumping in front of a train wouldn’t work.
    Now that I think of it, you have good point about his plan. I guess the Volturi would just be worried that people’s imaginations would go wild.
    In the book (yeah I know I cite the book alot, mainly because I’m thinking that the people who made the movie assumed only people who read the books would want to watch the movies…) Edward threw his cellphone into a garbage can after Rosalie called him.
    Alice tells Bella (again, in the book) that you can actually lie with your thoughts, so Edward wouldn’t believe Alice if she ran over there and told him Bella was alive.
    Not all vampires have special powers. Just some.
    You like muffins, don’t you? xD

  • Loner

    Ahh xD Sorry, forgot some other stuff.

    Edward learned about Bella being “killed” through Rosalie…who found out through Alice, who found out through her physic abilities (though she can only see vampire and human futures, since she was a human once and is a vampire.)
    Vampires are extremely hard to kill. The book says there is only one way to kill a vampire, which is to shred them to pieces and set the pieces on fire. Jumping in front of a train wouldn’t work.
    Now that I think of it, you have good point about his plan. I guess the Volturi would just be worried that people’s imaginations would go wild.
    In the book (yeah I know I cite the book alot, mainly because I’m thinking that the people who made the movie assumed only people who read the books would want to watch the movies…) Edward threw his cellphone into a garbage can after Rosalie called him.
    Alice tells Bella (again, in the book) that you can actually lie with your thoughts, so Edward wouldn’t believe Alice if she ran over there and told him Bella was alive.
    Not all vampires have special powers. Just some.
    You like muffins, don’t you? xD

  • Loner

    Ahh xD Sorry, forgot some other stuff.

    Edward learned about Bella being “killed” through Rosalie…who found out through Alice, who found out through her physic abilities (though she can only see vampire and human futures, since she was a human once and is a vampire.)
    Vampires are extremely hard to kill. The book says there is only one way to kill a vampire, which is to shred them to pieces and set the pieces on fire. Jumping in front of a train wouldn’t work.
    Now that I think of it, you have good point about his plan. I guess the Volturi would just be worried that people’s imaginations would go wild.
    In the book (yeah I know I cite the book alot, mainly because I’m thinking that the people who made the movie assumed only people who read the books would want to watch the movies…) Edward threw his cellphone into a garbage can after Rosalie called him.
    Alice tells Bella (again, in the book) that you can actually lie with your thoughts, so Edward wouldn’t believe Alice if she ran over there and told him Bella was alive.
    Not all vampires have special powers. Just some.
    You like muffins, don’t you? xD

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    Oh
    I hate Twilight and all but Bram Stoker did not create Vampires
    It goes back way before then but it still is close to the myths.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    Oh
    I hate Twilight and all but Bram Stoker did not create Vampires
    It goes back way before then but it still is close to the myths.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    Oh
    I hate Twilight and all but Bram Stoker did not create Vampires
    It goes back way before then but it still is close to the myths.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RE5Abridged Seth

    Oh
    I hate Twilight and all but Bram Stoker did not create Vampires
    It goes back way before then but it still is close to the myths.

  • Dr Forrester

    @ Seth
    In my defense, I do know where the vampire mythology comes from historically, but as far as books go, Bram Stoker’s is the first one I can think of that’s made it to today’s audiences

  • Dr Forrester

    @ Seth
    In my defense, I do know where the vampire mythology comes from historically, but as far as books go, Bram Stoker’s is the first one I can think of that’s made it to today’s audiences

  • Dr Forrester

    @ Seth
    In my defense, I do know where the vampire mythology comes from historically, but as far as books go, Bram Stoker’s is the first one I can think of that’s made it to today’s audiences

  • Dr Forrester

    @ Seth
    In my defense, I do know where the vampire mythology comes from historically, but as far as books go, Bram Stoker’s is the first one I can think of that’s made it to today’s audiences

  • Metal Shadow X

    I realize that when these kids grow up, 10 years from now, they will probably hate this crap. The middle aged fans will probably forget why they remembered it as well.

    Personally, I think a major reason why this is so huge is not only do the fans obsess over it, but there are some haters who absolutely love how asinine the series is (not unlike myself). Though personally, I would just recommend watching the Rifftrax version of the movies; I’ve never read or seen anything else and I don’t plan to (Plus I never heard of it until the movie was about to be released)

    All that aside, being a little upset about your Final Fantasy VIII review (I personally loved it for the great gameplay, but I still somewhat liked your review on other parts of it.), I can proudly say you have far exceeded redeeming yourself in my eyes with this review. :)

    Thank you, Spoony.

  • Metal Shadow X

    I realize that when these kids grow up, 10 years from now, they will probably hate this crap. The middle aged fans will probably forget why they remembered it as well.

    Personally, I think a major reason why this is so huge is not only do the fans obsess over it, but there are some haters who absolutely love how asinine the series is (not unlike myself). Though personally, I would just recommend watching the Rifftrax version of the movies; I’ve never read or seen anything else and I don’t plan to (Plus I never heard of it until the movie was about to be released)

    All that aside, being a little upset about your Final Fantasy VIII review (I personally loved it for the great gameplay, but I still somewhat liked your review on other parts of it.), I can proudly say you have far exceeded redeeming yourself in my eyes with this review. :)

    Thank you, Spoony.

  • Metal Shadow X

    I realize that when these kids grow up, 10 years from now, they will probably hate this crap. The middle aged fans will probably forget why they remembered it as well.

    Personally, I think a major reason why this is so huge is not only do the fans obsess over it, but there are some haters who absolutely love how asinine the series is (not unlike myself). Though personally, I would just recommend watching the Rifftrax version of the movies; I’ve never read or seen anything else and I don’t plan to (Plus I never heard of it until the movie was about to be released)

    All that aside, being a little upset about your Final Fantasy VIII review (I personally loved it for the great gameplay, but I still somewhat liked your review on other parts of it.), I can proudly say you have far exceeded redeeming yourself in my eyes with this review. :)

    Thank you, Spoony.

  • Metal Shadow X

    I realize that when these kids grow up, 10 years from now, they will probably hate this crap. The middle aged fans will probably forget why they remembered it as well.

    Personally, I think a major reason why this is so huge is not only do the fans obsess over it, but there are some haters who absolutely love how asinine the series is (not unlike myself). Though personally, I would just recommend watching the Rifftrax version of the movies; I’ve never read or seen anything else and I don’t plan to (Plus I never heard of it until the movie was about to be released)

    All that aside, being a little upset about your Final Fantasy VIII review (I personally loved it for the great gameplay, but I still somewhat liked your review on other parts of it.), I can proudly say you have far exceeded redeeming yourself in my eyes with this review. :)

    Thank you, Spoony.

  • BendyStraw101

    this was amazing! thank you spoony! Easily one of your greatest reviews yet. Defiantly your greatest Vlog on a movie.

  • BendyStraw101

    this was amazing! thank you spoony! Easily one of your greatest reviews yet. Defiantly your greatest Vlog on a movie.

  • BendyStraw101

    this was amazing! thank you spoony! Easily one of your greatest reviews yet. Defiantly your greatest Vlog on a movie.

  • BendyStraw101

    this was amazing! thank you spoony! Easily one of your greatest reviews yet. Defiantly your greatest Vlog on a movie.

  • rebecca

    In response to Matthew G: “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. How can you support a guy who spends his entire time on screen looking pained just to hide his accent. There is nothing more to Pattinson. He cannot not act. Evidently shone by the scene in the first twilight in the forest when his only form of emotion is screaming at Bella in his monotone voice.
    When I watched this scene in the movie I replace Edward with Spoony because he can act and is far hotter then Pattinson. Also so I could get off from this movie like all the girls say I am suppose to do.
    I cannot believe that Pattinson isn’t getting off on girls going wild about the one time his accent comes out for a second in one of the movies.
    If you believe all of Pattinson’s hatred of the Twilight series is anything more then a scheme to keep his acting career going you are just as bad as the Twilight fanatics.

  • rebecca

    In response to Matthew G: “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. How can you support a guy who spends his entire time on screen looking pained just to hide his accent. There is nothing more to Pattinson. He cannot not act. Evidently shone by the scene in the first twilight in the forest when his only form of emotion is screaming at Bella in his monotone voice.
    When I watched this scene in the movie I replace Edward with Spoony because he can act and is far hotter then Pattinson. Also so I could get off from this movie like all the girls say I am suppose to do.
    I cannot believe that Pattinson isn’t getting off on girls going wild about the one time his accent comes out for a second in one of the movies.
    If you believe all of Pattinson’s hatred of the Twilight series is anything more then a scheme to keep his acting career going you are just as bad as the Twilight fanatics.

  • rebecca

    In response to Matthew G: “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. How can you support a guy who spends his entire time on screen looking pained just to hide his accent. There is nothing more to Pattinson. He cannot not act. Evidently shone by the scene in the first twilight in the forest when his only form of emotion is screaming at Bella in his monotone voice.
    When I watched this scene in the movie I replace Edward with Spoony because he can act and is far hotter then Pattinson. Also so I could get off from this movie like all the girls say I am suppose to do.
    I cannot believe that Pattinson isn’t getting off on girls going wild about the one time his accent comes out for a second in one of the movies.
    If you believe all of Pattinson’s hatred of the Twilight series is anything more then a scheme to keep his acting career going you are just as bad as the Twilight fanatics.

  • Maiko

    Ah, I’m glad someone says it like it is. The girls in my flat go on about Twilight and I just grimace. Your review really ticks off the entire checklist to why these books and the movies are truly inadequate in every way. If only a could be a good, new vampire movie could be made. I mean, it’s not perfect, but at least the TV series ‘True Blood’ has a strong female lead and an original idea behind it (Bella, oh Bella, why the hell would anyone sympathise with her monumental stupidity?). The thing that makes me cringe the most is the abject loyalty the fans show to it, yet when questioned they will admit that the movie doesn’t even qualify as a movie. What the hell kind of sense does that make?

    Anyways, Nice review Spoony, keep it up!

    Maiko

  • Maiko

    Ah, I’m glad someone says it like it is. The girls in my flat go on about Twilight and I just grimace. Your review really ticks off the entire checklist to why these books and the movies are truly inadequate in every way. If only a could be a good, new vampire movie could be made. I mean, it’s not perfect, but at least the TV series ‘True Blood’ has a strong female lead and an original idea behind it (Bella, oh Bella, why the hell would anyone sympathise with her monumental stupidity?). The thing that makes me cringe the most is the abject loyalty the fans show to it, yet when questioned they will admit that the movie doesn’t even qualify as a movie. What the hell kind of sense does that make?

    Anyways, Nice review Spoony, keep it up!

    Maiko

  • Maiko

    Ah, I’m glad someone says it like it is. The girls in my flat go on about Twilight and I just grimace. Your review really ticks off the entire checklist to why these books and the movies are truly inadequate in every way. If only a could be a good, new vampire movie could be made. I mean, it’s not perfect, but at least the TV series ‘True Blood’ has a strong female lead and an original idea behind it (Bella, oh Bella, why the hell would anyone sympathise with her monumental stupidity?). The thing that makes me cringe the most is the abject loyalty the fans show to it, yet when questioned they will admit that the movie doesn’t even qualify as a movie. What the hell kind of sense does that make?

    Anyways, Nice review Spoony, keep it up!

    Maiko

  • rebecca

    In response to Matthew G: “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. How can you support a guy who spends his entire time on screen looking pained just to hide his accent. There is nothing more to Pattinson. He cannot not act. Evidently shone by the scene in the first twilight in the forest when his only form of emotion is screaming at Bella in his monotone voice.
    When I watched this scene in the movie I replace Edward with Spoony because he can act and is far hotter then Pattinson. Also so I could get off from this movie like all the girls say I am suppose to do.
    I cannot believe that Pattinson isn’t getting off on girls going wild about the one time his accent comes out for a second in one of the movies.
    If you believe all of Pattinson’s hatred of the Twilight series is anything more then a scheme to keep his acting career going you are just as bad as the Twilight fanatics.

  • Maiko

    Ah, I’m glad someone says it like it is. The girls in my flat go on about Twilight and I just grimace. Your review really ticks off the entire checklist to why these books and the movies are truly inadequate in every way. If only a could be a good, new vampire movie could be made. I mean, it’s not perfect, but at least the TV series ‘True Blood’ has a strong female lead and an original idea behind it (Bella, oh Bella, why the hell would anyone sympathise with her monumental stupidity?). The thing that makes me cringe the most is the abject loyalty the fans show to it, yet when questioned they will admit that the movie doesn’t even qualify as a movie. What the hell kind of sense does that make?

    Anyways, Nice review Spoony, keep it up!

    Maiko

  • meltdown2insanity

    ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

    …Huh!? Oh, sorry! A bad series like Twilight tends to shut me down like that; what with all the money and fan base that it’s generating. All I can say is good work retaining your sanity SpoonyOne!

    @ Mistah J:

    There is a slight flaw in your reasoning. I found that there were more parallels between FF6 and the original FF7 (such as both Kefka and Sephiroth both worked under powerful organizations that had nearly global rule, aimed for Godhood, and nearly brought the destruction of the world, similar plots, similar magic system, etc.) than Twilight. Although, I do agree that by the time the FF7 sequels rolled around anything you liked about the main cast was completely obliterated by Square Enix’s need for greed.

  • meltdown2insanity

    ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

    …Huh!? Oh, sorry! A bad series like Twilight tends to shut me down like that; what with all the money and fan base that it’s generating. All I can say is good work retaining your sanity SpoonyOne!

    @ Mistah J:

    There is a slight flaw in your reasoning. I found that there were more parallels between FF6 and the original FF7 (such as both Kefka and Sephiroth both worked under powerful organizations that had nearly global rule, aimed for Godhood, and nearly brought the destruction of the world, similar plots, similar magic system, etc.) than Twilight. Although, I do agree that by the time the FF7 sequels rolled around anything you liked about the main cast was completely obliterated by Square Enix’s need for greed.

  • meltdown2insanity

    ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

    …Huh!? Oh, sorry! A bad series like Twilight tends to shut me down like that; what with all the money and fan base that it’s generating. All I can say is good work retaining your sanity SpoonyOne!

    @ Mistah J:

    There is a slight flaw in your reasoning. I found that there were more parallels between FF6 and the original FF7 (such as both Kefka and Sephiroth both worked under powerful organizations that had nearly global rule, aimed for Godhood, and nearly brought the destruction of the world, similar plots, similar magic system, etc.) than Twilight. Although, I do agree that by the time the FF7 sequels rolled around anything you liked about the main cast was completely obliterated by Square Enix’s need for greed.

  • meltdown2insanity

    ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

    …Huh!? Oh, sorry! A bad series like Twilight tends to shut me down like that; what with all the money and fan base that it’s generating. All I can say is good work retaining your sanity SpoonyOne!

    @ Mistah J:

    There is a slight flaw in your reasoning. I found that there were more parallels between FF6 and the original FF7 (such as both Kefka and Sephiroth both worked under powerful organizations that had nearly global rule, aimed for Godhood, and nearly brought the destruction of the world, similar plots, similar magic system, etc.) than Twilight. Although, I do agree that by the time the FF7 sequels rolled around anything you liked about the main cast was completely obliterated by Square Enix’s need for greed.

  • http://orderseven.com 715

    I’m sure this been said but Robert Pattinson HATES Twilight, he had no ideal what the book is about and only did it to work with (and hit on) Kristen Stewart. Then he read the book and hates it and the fan. He talked about how much he hates Edward and sees him as a massive manic depression and so plays a guy who hates himself.

  • http://orderseven.com/ 715

    I’m sure this been said but Robert Pattinson HATES Twilight, he had no ideal what the book is about and only did it to work with (and hit on) Kristen Stewart. Then he read the book and hates it and the fan. He talked about how much he hates Edward and sees him as a massive manic depression and so plays a guy who hates himself.

  • http://orderseven.com/ 715

    I’m sure this been said but Robert Pattinson HATES Twilight, he had no ideal what the book is about and only did it to work with (and hit on) Kristen Stewart. Then he read the book and hates it and the fan. He talked about how much he hates Edward and sees him as a massive manic depression and so plays a guy who hates himself.

  • http://orderseven.com/ 715

    I’m sure this been said but Robert Pattinson HATES Twilight, he had no ideal what the book is about and only did it to work with (and hit on) Kristen Stewart. Then he read the book and hates it and the fan. He talked about how much he hates Edward and sees him as a massive manic depression and so plays a guy who hates himself.

  • http://www.savepointonline.com/ Sean

    What is the best vampire character in fiction? Personally, I’ve always like Cassidy from Preacher. At least up until the end of the series where he turns into a jackass.

  • http://www.savepointonline.com/ Sean

    What is the best vampire character in fiction? Personally, I’ve always like Cassidy from Preacher. At least up until the end of the series where he turns into a jackass.

  • http://www.savepointonline.com Sean

    What is the best vampire character in fiction? Personally, I’ve always like Cassidy from Preacher. At least up until the end of the series where he turns into a jackass.

  • Allison

    I know I commented already before, but something crossed my mind. With all the amount of young girls influenced by the “love” aspect of Twilight, i.e. codependent bitch in love with emotionally abusive boyfriend, could it be that Stephenie Meyer has an almighty plan to convert the youth of the world into Mormons?

  • Allison

    I know I commented already before, but something crossed my mind. With all the amount of young girls influenced by the “love” aspect of Twilight, i.e. codependent bitch in love with emotionally abusive boyfriend, could it be that Stephenie Meyer has an almighty plan to convert the youth of the world into Mormons?

  • Allison

    I know I commented already before, but something crossed my mind. With all the amount of young girls influenced by the “love” aspect of Twilight, i.e. codependent bitch in love with emotionally abusive boyfriend, could it be that Stephenie Meyer has an almighty plan to convert the youth of the world into Mormons?

  • Simon Faust

    I’m surprised Spoony didn’t bring up anything about how in “Breaking Dawn” Jacob goes on to hit on Bella’s NEWBORN daughter (WTF SMEYER!).

  • Simon Faust

    I’m surprised Spoony didn’t bring up anything about how in “Breaking Dawn” Jacob goes on to hit on Bella’s NEWBORN daughter (WTF SMEYER!).

  • Magi

    they broke our spoony!! :(

  • Magi

    they broke our spoony!! :(

  • Magi

    they broke our spoony!! :(

  • Magi

    they broke our spoony!! :(

  • Vari

    Now I kinda want to see New Moon for the laughs…

  • Vari

    Now I kinda want to see New Moon for the laughs…

  • Vari

    Now I kinda want to see New Moon for the laughs…

  • Vari

    Now I kinda want to see New Moon for the laughs…

  • http://trifocalproductions.wordpress.com/ Camera Ninja

    This song is perfect for the review!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8oW-Xl4I9Q

  • http://trifocalproductions.wordpress.com/ Camera Ninja

    This song is perfect for the review!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8oW-Xl4I9Q

  • http://trifocalproductions.wordpress.com/ Camera Ninja

    This song is perfect for the review!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8oW-Xl4I9Q

  • http://trifocalproductions.wordpress.com/ Camera Ninja

    This song is perfect for the review!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8oW-Xl4I9Q

  • Sticky McBudd

    Do you know what New Moon needs? Three clones of Bruce Lee.

  • Sticky McBudd

    Do you know what New Moon needs? Three clones of Bruce Lee.

  • Sticky McBudd

    Do you know what New Moon needs? Three clones of Bruce Lee.

  • Tetradecimal

    There’s SHIRTLESS MAN-WRESTING in this movie? I am there.

  • Tetradecimal

    There’s SHIRTLESS MAN-WRESTING in this movie? I am there.

  • Tetradecimal

    There’s SHIRTLESS MAN-WRESTING in this movie? I am there.

  • Sticky McBudd

    Do you know what New Moon needs? Three clones of Bruce Lee.

  • Tetradecimal

    There’s SHIRTLESS MAN-WRESTING in this movie? I am there.

  • paul

    You went to see New Moon and you are refusing to see boondock saints 2? Fine it sucked and I did like the first one. There were guns and jokes and vigilante justice. New Moon has gay vampires and werewolves. What do you have against that movie?

  • paul

    You went to see New Moon and you are refusing to see boondock saints 2? Fine it sucked and I did like the first one. There were guns and jokes and vigilante justice. New Moon has gay vampires and werewolves. What do you have against that movie?

  • paul

    You went to see New Moon and you are refusing to see boondock saints 2? Fine it sucked and I did like the first one. There were guns and jokes and vigilante justice. New Moon has gay vampires and werewolves. What do you have against that movie?

  • paul

    You went to see New Moon and you are refusing to see boondock saints 2? Fine it sucked and I did like the first one. There were guns and jokes and vigilante justice. New Moon has gay vampires and werewolves. What do you have against that movie?

  • http://www.youtube.com/deathwing107 Pauly V.

    Wanna bet Robert Pattinson will guest host SNL just to completely rip on the Twilight series? Considering all his own gripe about even being part of that movie, I’m waiting for it.

  • http://www.youtube.com/deathwing107 Pauly V.

    Wanna bet Robert Pattinson will guest host SNL just to completely rip on the Twilight series? Considering all his own gripe about even being part of that movie, I’m waiting for it.

  • http://www.youtube.com/deathwing107 Pauly V.

    Wanna bet Robert Pattinson will guest host SNL just to completely rip on the Twilight series? Considering all his own gripe about even being part of that movie, I’m waiting for it.

  • http://www.youtube.com/deathwing107 Pauly V.

    Wanna bet Robert Pattinson will guest host SNL just to completely rip on the Twilight series? Considering all his own gripe about even being part of that movie, I’m waiting for it.

  • Maiko

    Wow, just have to say, watched a clip and when Edward body checks Bella out the way? DAMN! Seriously, that was his best plan? He shoves the guy away afterwards, why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place? What the hell was he thinking? It was pretty funny watching it after Spoony’s review though.

    I can already tell this movie is going to be hilarious.

  • Maiko

    Wow, just have to say, watched a clip and when Edward body checks Bella out the way? DAMN! Seriously, that was his best plan? He shoves the guy away afterwards, why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place? What the hell was he thinking? It was pretty funny watching it after Spoony’s review though.

    I can already tell this movie is going to be hilarious.

  • Maiko

    Wow, just have to say, watched a clip and when Edward body checks Bella out the way? DAMN! Seriously, that was his best plan? He shoves the guy away afterwards, why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place? What the hell was he thinking? It was pretty funny watching it after Spoony’s review though.

    I can already tell this movie is going to be hilarious.

  • Maiko

    Wow, just have to say, watched a clip and when Edward body checks Bella out the way? DAMN! Seriously, that was his best plan? He shoves the guy away afterwards, why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place? What the hell was he thinking? It was pretty funny watching it after Spoony’s review though.

    I can already tell this movie is going to be hilarious.

  • SiK

    Id like to know if Scarlett really locked herself in the bathroom or if that was a joke.

    Spoony is hallerious your trying to explain to women why this movie was so funny to you and acting sexist and he knows hes acting sexist but thats the truth of this movie. The movies entirely one big indulgence to the female ego and thats why its so funny.

  • SiK

    Id like to know if Scarlett really locked herself in the bathroom or if that was a joke.

    Spoony is hallerious your trying to explain to women why this movie was so funny to you and acting sexist and he knows hes acting sexist but thats the truth of this movie. The movies entirely one big indulgence to the female ego and thats why its so funny.

  • SiK

    Id like to know if Scarlett really locked herself in the bathroom or if that was a joke.

    Spoony is hallerious your trying to explain to women why this movie was so funny to you and acting sexist and he knows hes acting sexist but thats the truth of this movie. The movies entirely one big indulgence to the female ego and thats why its so funny.

  • SiK

    Id like to know if Scarlett really locked herself in the bathroom or if that was a joke.

    Spoony is hallerious your trying to explain to women why this movie was so funny to you and acting sexist and he knows hes acting sexist but thats the truth of this movie. The movies entirely one big indulgence to the female ego and thats why its so funny.

  • Thumper17

    Found this googling titties.

    [img]http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g225/danaelling/titties.jpg[/img]

    Felt this fit the mood near the end of the video.

    I want to see this movie, just for the stiffarm to Bella.

  • Thumper17

    Found this googling titties.

    [img]http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g225/danaelling/titties.jpg[/img]

    Felt this fit the mood near the end of the video.

    I want to see this movie, just for the stiffarm to Bella.

  • Thumper17

    Found this googling titties.

    [img]http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g225/danaelling/titties.jpg[/img]

    Felt this fit the mood near the end of the video.

    I want to see this movie, just for the stiffarm to Bella.

  • Thumper17

    Found this googling titties.

    [img]http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g225/danaelling/titties.jpg[/img]

    Felt this fit the mood near the end of the video.

    I want to see this movie, just for the stiffarm to Bella.

  • DeathsHead419

    Hmm, so to recap, a bit like this?-http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/bum-reviews/13853-ep032

  • DeathsHead419

    Hmm, so to recap, a bit like this?-http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/bum-reviews/13853-ep032

  • DeathsHead419

    Hmm, so to recap, a bit like this?-http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/bum-reviews/13853-ep032

  • DeathsHead419

    Hmm, so to recap, a bit like this?-http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/bum-reviews/13853-ep032

  • http://www.f1.com/ JS Partisan

    Few things are funnier than you insulting Twilight or Transformer, WHEN YOU FUCKING PRAISE 2012. Seriously, Spoony, go listen to some music from this century, and get over your bullshit. It would be appreciated.

  • http://www.f1.com/ JS Partisan

    Few things are funnier than you insulting Twilight or Transformer, WHEN YOU FUCKING PRAISE 2012. Seriously, Spoony, go listen to some music from this century, and get over your bullshit. It would be appreciated.

  • http://www.f1.com/ JS Partisan

    Few things are funnier than you insulting Twilight or Transformer, WHEN YOU FUCKING PRAISE 2012. Seriously, Spoony, go listen to some music from this century, and get over your bullshit. It would be appreciated.

  • http://www.legendarybadass.com/ Obscurus Lupa

    I knew you’d see the comedy of Twilight. :D This review was hilarious and so true, thanks for sharing.

    Most of the confusing parts of the movie have to do with either poorly-explained or forgotten parts from the books. I will say that the reason Alice didn’t see that Bella survived the dive was because she can’t see visions of the werewolves. They mentioned it, but it wasn’t done very well.

  • http://www.legendarybadass.com/ Obscurus Lupa

    I knew you’d see the comedy of Twilight. :D This review was hilarious and so true, thanks for sharing.

    Most of the confusing parts of the movie have to do with either poorly-explained or forgotten parts from the books. I will say that the reason Alice didn’t see that Bella survived the dive was because she can’t see visions of the werewolves. They mentioned it, but it wasn’t done very well.

  • http://www.legendarybadass.com/ Obscurus Lupa

    I knew you’d see the comedy of Twilight. :D This review was hilarious and so true, thanks for sharing.

    Most of the confusing parts of the movie have to do with either poorly-explained or forgotten parts from the books. I will say that the reason Alice didn’t see that Bella survived the dive was because she can’t see visions of the werewolves. They mentioned it, but it wasn’t done very well.

  • http://www.f1.com JS Partisan

    Few things are funnier than you insulting Twilight or Transformer, WHEN YOU FUCKING PRAISE 2012. Seriously, Spoony, go listen to some music from this century, and get over your bullshit. It would be appreciated.

  • http://www.legendarybadass.com Obscurus Lupa

    I knew you’d see the comedy of Twilight. :D This review was hilarious and so true, thanks for sharing.

    Most of the confusing parts of the movie have to do with either poorly-explained or forgotten parts from the books. I will say that the reason Alice didn’t see that Bella survived the dive was because she can’t see visions of the werewolves. They mentioned it, but it wasn’t done very well.

  • Schadenfreude

    Honestly, I think Pattinson and Stewart are trying to get fired from this shitshow. They’re getting attacked by fans and shit, they didn’t sign up for this insanity.

  • Invisible Crane

    Okay I need to be really honest here, can someone please explain to me why exactly Twilight is so hated, having never seen the movies or read the books or been around anyone who’s a fan of it, I’m kinda lost on the whole hatred of it apart from the stuff everyone talks about like the sparkling vampires and such

  • Invisible Crane

    Okay I need to be really honest here, can someone please explain to me why exactly Twilight is so hated, having never seen the movies or read the books or been around anyone who’s a fan of it, I’m kinda lost on the whole hatred of it apart from the stuff everyone talks about like the sparkling vampires and such

  • Invisible Crane

    Okay I need to be really honest here, can someone please explain to me why exactly Twilight is so hated, having never seen the movies or read the books or been around anyone who’s a fan of it, I’m kinda lost on the whole hatred of it apart from the stuff everyone talks about like the sparkling vampires and such

  • Schadenfreude

    Honestly, I think Pattinson and Stewart are trying to get fired from this shitshow. They’re getting attacked by fans and shit, they didn’t sign up for this insanity.

  • Invisible Crane

    Okay I need to be really honest here, can someone please explain to me why exactly Twilight is so hated, having never seen the movies or read the books or been around anyone who’s a fan of it, I’m kinda lost on the whole hatred of it apart from the stuff everyone talks about like the sparkling vampires and such

  • Laura

    This is the best thing in the WORLD. I love you.

  • Laura

    This is the best thing in the WORLD. I love you.

  • Laura

    This is the best thing in the WORLD. I love you.

  • Viper6390

    @Thumper17
    Don’t bother! You can see the stiff arm to Bella in the trailer.
    @ Spoony
    Wow, you are getting a lot of response to this review of New Moon. Well, a lot of your fans wanted to see you rip the shit out of Twilight(including me) and you delivered! Thank you Spoony for doing this and I will definitely vote for you for Funniest Person to Follow.

  • Viper6390

    @Thumper17
    Don’t bother! You can see the stiff arm to Bella in the trailer.
    @ Spoony
    Wow, you are getting a lot of response to this review of New Moon. Well, a lot of your fans wanted to see you rip the shit out of Twilight(including me) and you delivered! Thank you Spoony for doing this and I will definitely vote for you for Funniest Person to Follow.

  • Viper6390

    @Thumper17
    Don’t bother! You can see the stiff arm to Bella in the trailer.
    @ Spoony
    Wow, you are getting a lot of response to this review of New Moon. Well, a lot of your fans wanted to see you rip the shit out of Twilight(including me) and you delivered! Thank you Spoony for doing this and I will definitely vote for you for Funniest Person to Follow.

  • Laura

    This is the best thing in the WORLD. I love you.

  • Viper6390

    @Thumper17
    Don’t bother! You can see the stiff arm to Bella in the trailer.
    @ Spoony
    Wow, you are getting a lot of response to this review of New Moon. Well, a lot of your fans wanted to see you rip the shit out of Twilight(including me) and you delivered! Thank you Spoony for doing this and I will definitely vote for you for Funniest Person to Follow.

  • Fox

    This movie pissed me the fuck off because i went to go see the men who stare at goats, and it wasn’t at the theater. Because ten of the sixteen screens had new moon in them and the others had other crap movies.

    So to tell you the truth, i would rather see Noah’s complete reenactment of the movie

  • Fox

    This movie pissed me the fuck off because i went to go see the men who stare at goats, and it wasn’t at the theater. Because ten of the sixteen screens had new moon in them and the others had other crap movies.

    So to tell you the truth, i would rather see Noah’s complete reenactment of the movie

  • Fox

    This movie pissed me the fuck off because i went to go see the men who stare at goats, and it wasn’t at the theater. Because ten of the sixteen screens had new moon in them and the others had other crap movies.

    So to tell you the truth, i would rather see Noah’s complete reenactment of the movie

  • Fox

    This movie pissed me the fuck off because i went to go see the men who stare at goats, and it wasn’t at the theater. Because ten of the sixteen screens had new moon in them and the others had other crap movies.

    So to tell you the truth, i would rather see Noah’s complete reenactment of the movie

  • BurnLovely

    @Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

    And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.

  • BurnLovely

    @Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

    And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.

  • BurnLovely

    @Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

    And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.

  • BurnLovely

    @Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

    And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.

  • SpecterM91

    God damn, Spoony. I would honestly pay large sums of money for a DVD filled with hours of your ranting. Not only did you just say the word “titties” more times in an hour than I’ve ever heard, but you somehow managed to encapsulate the pure shittiness of these god awful fan-fic quality pieces of dick that need to be burned in the eternal flames of Hell just for making vampires and werewolves so fucking stupid.

  • SpecterM91

    God damn, Spoony. I would honestly pay large sums of money for a DVD filled with hours of your ranting. Not only did you just say the word “titties” more times in an hour than I’ve ever heard, but you somehow managed to encapsulate the pure shittiness of these god awful fan-fic quality pieces of dick that need to be burned in the eternal flames of Hell just for making vampires and werewolves so fucking stupid.

  • SpecterM91

    God damn, Spoony. I would honestly pay large sums of money for a DVD filled with hours of your ranting. Not only did you just say the word “titties” more times in an hour than I’ve ever heard, but you somehow managed to encapsulate the pure shittiness of these god awful fan-fic quality pieces of dick that need to be burned in the eternal flames of Hell just for making vampires and werewolves so fucking stupid.

  • SpecterM91

    God damn, Spoony. I would honestly pay large sums of money for a DVD filled with hours of your ranting. Not only did you just say the word “titties” more times in an hour than I’ve ever heard, but you somehow managed to encapsulate the pure shittiness of these god awful fan-fic quality pieces of dick that need to be burned in the eternal flames of Hell just for making vampires and werewolves so fucking stupid.

  • Rowan

    God, that was beautiful. Thank you.

  • Rowan

    God, that was beautiful. Thank you.

  • Rowan

    God, that was beautiful. Thank you.

  • Rowan

    God, that was beautiful. Thank you.

  • Rutager McGarnagle

    That was funny man. I don’t know how you survived the entire showtime without asphyxiating yourself with your own belt or shoelaces in the theater bathroom. Thanks for enduring that travesty to bring us this hilarious review. Why so hard on Underworld though? All three were super badass. And I fell asleep thrice during 2012.

  • Rutager McGarnagle

    That was funny man. I don’t know how you survived the entire showtime without asphyxiating yourself with your own belt or shoelaces in the theater bathroom. Thanks for enduring that travesty to bring us this hilarious review. Why so hard on Underworld though? All three were super badass. And I fell asleep thrice during 2012.

  • Rutager McGarnagle

    That was funny man. I don’t know how you survived the entire showtime without asphyxiating yourself with your own belt or shoelaces in the theater bathroom. Thanks for enduring that travesty to bring us this hilarious review. Why so hard on Underworld though? All three were super badass. And I fell asleep thrice during 2012.

  • N00bt00b

    Yo spoony have the twitards got on your case yet? Have you been targeted for elimination by twilight lexicon? It would be funny if one of them decided to pop up on this little corner of the internet.

  • Rutager McGarnagle

    That was funny man. I don’t know how you survived the entire showtime without asphyxiating yourself with your own belt or shoelaces in the theater bathroom. Thanks for enduring that travesty to bring us this hilarious review. Why so hard on Underworld though? All three were super badass. And I fell asleep thrice during 2012.

  • N00bt00b

    Yo spoony have the twitards got on your case yet? Have you been targeted for elimination by twilight lexicon? It would be funny if one of them decided to pop up on this little corner of the internet.

  • James

    lol… “all shapes and sizes some with horses.” My little sister 14 years old (the core demographic) can’t stop talking about the reason she saw this movie and Spoony nailed it right on the head.

  • James

    lol… “all shapes and sizes some with horses.” My little sister 14 years old (the core demographic) can’t stop talking about the reason she saw this movie and Spoony nailed it right on the head.

  • James

    lol… “all shapes and sizes some with horses.” My little sister 14 years old (the core demographic) can’t stop talking about the reason she saw this movie and Spoony nailed it right on the head.

  • James

    lol… “all shapes and sizes some with horses.” My little sister 14 years old (the core demographic) can’t stop talking about the reason she saw this movie and Spoony nailed it right on the head.

  • Invisible Crane

    “@Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

    And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.”

    It sounds to me like people are jealous of Stephanie Meyer over the fact that she’s this terrible author yet has made so much money from this, say what you will about her writing she’s laughing all the way to the bank from the success of Twilight.

    Also am I the only people sick of people saying stuff like “may God have mercy on your soul”, “I pity you”, “I feel really dirty”, etc when saying they’ve seen it?…I get it you didn’t like the movie and after like the millionth time someone says that it’s just not funny anymore

  • Invisible Crane

    “@Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

    And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.”

    It sounds to me like people are jealous of Stephanie Meyer over the fact that she’s this terrible author yet has made so much money from this, say what you will about her writing she’s laughing all the way to the bank from the success of Twilight.

    Also am I the only people sick of people saying stuff like “may God have mercy on your soul”, “I pity you”, “I feel really dirty”, etc when saying they’ve seen it?…I get it you didn’t like the movie and after like the millionth time someone says that it’s just not funny anymore

  • Invisible Crane

    “@Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

    And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.”

    It sounds to me like people are jealous of Stephanie Meyer over the fact that she’s this terrible author yet has made so much money from this, say what you will about her writing she’s laughing all the way to the bank from the success of Twilight.

    Also am I the only people sick of people saying stuff like “may God have mercy on your soul”, “I pity you”, “I feel really dirty”, etc when saying they’ve seen it?…I get it you didn’t like the movie and after like the millionth time someone says that it’s just not funny anymore

  • Invisible Crane

    “@Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

    And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.”

    It sounds to me like people are jealous of Stephanie Meyer over the fact that she’s this terrible author yet has made so much money from this, say what you will about her writing she’s laughing all the way to the bank from the success of Twilight.

    Also am I the only people sick of people saying stuff like “may God have mercy on your soul”, “I pity you”, “I feel really dirty”, etc when saying they’ve seen it?…I get it you didn’t like the movie and after like the millionth time someone says that it’s just not funny anymore

  • Teh Man

    @ JSPartisan Aww sounds like someone got insulted …Get over it nobody cares.

  • Teh Man

    @ JSPartisan Aww sounds like someone got insulted …Get over it nobody cares.

  • Teh Man

    @ JSPartisan Aww sounds like someone got insulted …Get over it nobody cares.

  • Teh Man

    @ JSPartisan Aww sounds like someone got insulted …Get over it nobody cares.

  • Rebecca

    Honestly,I thought the sound track was the ONLY good thing about this movie. I mean granted-IT DID NOT FIT AT ALL. But I like the songs in it (I.E deathcab for cutie,muse,thom york,the killers) But you’re honestly right about everything was complete crap. UGH-waste of my life.

  • Rebecca

    Honestly,I thought the sound track was the ONLY good thing about this movie. I mean granted-IT DID NOT FIT AT ALL. But I like the songs in it (I.E deathcab for cutie,muse,thom york,the killers) But you’re honestly right about everything was complete crap. UGH-waste of my life.

  • Rebecca

    Honestly,I thought the sound track was the ONLY good thing about this movie. I mean granted-IT DID NOT FIT AT ALL. But I like the songs in it (I.E deathcab for cutie,muse,thom york,the killers) But you’re honestly right about everything was complete crap. UGH-waste of my life.

  • Rebecca

    Honestly,I thought the sound track was the ONLY good thing about this movie. I mean granted-IT DID NOT FIT AT ALL. But I like the songs in it (I.E deathcab for cutie,muse,thom york,the killers) But you’re honestly right about everything was complete crap. UGH-waste of my life.

  • http://www.f1.com/ JS Partisan

    The Man, learn how to spell THE properly. You daffy bastard. Seriously, Noah loved 2012, but gives shit to NEW MOON? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. Luckily he has a girlfriend, but he’s no better than those chinless bastards who hate Twilight for their own emotionally inadequacies.

  • http://www.f1.com/ JS Partisan

    The Man, learn how to spell THE properly. You daffy bastard. Seriously, Noah loved 2012, but gives shit to NEW MOON? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. Luckily he has a girlfriend, but he’s no better than those chinless bastards who hate Twilight for their own emotionally inadequacies.

  • http://www.f1.com/ JS Partisan

    The Man, learn how to spell THE properly. You daffy bastard. Seriously, Noah loved 2012, but gives shit to NEW MOON? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. Luckily he has a girlfriend, but he’s no better than those chinless bastards who hate Twilight for their own emotionally inadequacies.

  • http://www.f1.com JS Partisan

    The Man, learn how to spell THE properly. You daffy bastard. Seriously, Noah loved 2012, but gives shit to NEW MOON? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. Luckily he has a girlfriend, but he’s no better than those chinless bastards who hate Twilight for their own emotionally inadequacies.

  • Ren

    @Invisible Crane
    It isn’t so much jealousy that she’s actually making money off of sub-par work (though that may be a part of it), it’s that the series is legitimately bad. There are no likable characters, the supposed protagonist alone is about as appealing and relatable as a box of dead kittens, and what she’s turned two generally well-liked type of characters (Vampires, werewolves) into is like a kick in the junk to any fans of the ‘classics’.

    That’s my take on it, anyway.

  • Ren

    @Invisible Crane
    It isn’t so much jealousy that she’s actually making money off of sub-par work (though that may be a part of it), it’s that the series is legitimately bad. There are no likable characters, the supposed protagonist alone is about as appealing and relatable as a box of dead kittens, and what she’s turned two generally well-liked type of characters (Vampires, werewolves) into is like a kick in the junk to any fans of the ‘classics’.

    That’s my take on it, anyway.

  • Ren

    @Invisible Crane
    It isn’t so much jealousy that she’s actually making money off of sub-par work (though that may be a part of it), it’s that the series is legitimately bad. There are no likable characters, the supposed protagonist alone is about as appealing and relatable as a box of dead kittens, and what she’s turned two generally well-liked type of characters (Vampires, werewolves) into is like a kick in the junk to any fans of the ‘classics’.

    That’s my take on it, anyway.

  • Ren

    @Invisible Crane
    It isn’t so much jealousy that she’s actually making money off of sub-par work (though that may be a part of it), it’s that the series is legitimately bad. There are no likable characters, the supposed protagonist alone is about as appealing and relatable as a box of dead kittens, and what she’s turned two generally well-liked type of characters (Vampires, werewolves) into is like a kick in the junk to any fans of the ‘classics’.

    That’s my take on it, anyway.

  • Rosalie

    @Invisible Crane:
    The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
    Also? I pity you.

  • Rosalie

    @Invisible Crane:
    The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
    Also? I pity you.

  • Hiram

    Washington isn’t that cold Spoony.

  • Hiram

    Washington isn’t that cold Spoony.

  • Hiram

    Washington isn’t that cold Spoony.

  • Hiram

    Washington isn’t that cold Spoony.

  • Invisible Crane

    “@Invisible Crane:
    The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
    Also? I pity you.”

    Well it’s one of many things I thought about when trying to figure out why people hate Twilight so much

  • Invisible Crane

    “@Invisible Crane:
    The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
    Also? I pity you.”

    Well it’s one of many things I thought about when trying to figure out why people hate Twilight so much

  • Invisible Crane

    “@Invisible Crane:
    The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
    Also? I pity you.”

    Well it’s one of many things I thought about when trying to figure out why people hate Twilight so much

  • Invisible Crane

    “@Invisible Crane:
    The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
    Also? I pity you.”

    Well it’s one of many things I thought about when trying to figure out why people hate Twilight so much

  • chrismcgowan

    @Rebecca
    Yeah, the soundtrack is easily the saving grace of this crappy movie. Like most geeks, Spoony doesn’t have much of an ear for music, unfortunately. Acoustic guitars must make him break out in hives. But, on the other hand, his review of Terminator Salvation (and Twilight: New Moon) was astute and hilarious, so you take the good with the bad.

  • chrismcgowan

    @Rebecca
    Yeah, the soundtrack is easily the saving grace of this crappy movie. Like most geeks, Spoony doesn’t have much of an ear for music, unfortunately. Acoustic guitars must make him break out in hives. But, on the other hand, his review of Terminator Salvation (and Twilight: New Moon) was astute and hilarious, so you take the good with the bad.

  • chrismcgowan

    @Rebecca
    Yeah, the soundtrack is easily the saving grace of this crappy movie. Like most geeks, Spoony doesn’t have much of an ear for music, unfortunately. Acoustic guitars must make him break out in hives. But, on the other hand, his review of Terminator Salvation (and Twilight: New Moon) was astute and hilarious, so you take the good with the bad.

  • chrismcgowan

    @Rebecca
    Yeah, the soundtrack is easily the saving grace of this crappy movie. Like most geeks, Spoony doesn’t have much of an ear for music, unfortunately. Acoustic guitars must make him break out in hives. But, on the other hand, his review of Terminator Salvation (and Twilight: New Moon) was astute and hilarious, so you take the good with the bad.

  • Anonymous

    that was pretty long, but it was totally worth it. thank god you ripped it’s ass like it deserved. and since it was such a long review, i need to make a long comment on it (that hopefully will also be worth the time to read it)

    These movies really boggle my mind. I have neither seen either film nor have i read any of the books, (I may be pretty nuts and more than a little stupid, but i still have enough self respect left not to deal with this crap) but from everything i’ve heard, seen or read about them and their fans, the general concesus is that they are shit. bad writing, unlikeable characters, incomprehensible plots and tin ear dialogue, and that for the most part the fans know it too, they just refuse to accept it and love it anyway (but then there are sure enough star wars fans left to show that when you love something, you will love it no matter much evidence is shoved up your ass sideways that it’s a lost cause) I tthink you hit the nail on the head with the whole this is basically soft core porn for girls. which i have no complaint about (well no right to it anyway) considering it’s exactly the same kind of perverted fan service crap that men have been getting away with for years. everyone loves a little meat market display, no matter how politically correct you are (admit it. I have nothing but respect for women, but i love breasts too) and i think it’s only fair that girls get their fair share as well.

    now these things are hollow little shitfests based on hollow little shitfest books, but that’s not the worst part of these films. honestly i’ve dealt with bad writing, wafer thin character development, plots that make “Tetsuo: the iron man” seem positively straightforward and clearly linear, acting so brillo pad grating that it could peel the siding off a whole trailer park, and all that stuff before. (hey i’ve seen full moon and asylum pictures, and i had my japanese cinema phase, these things are no stranger to me)

    no, no, the REAL worst thing about these movies (though trust me, all that other stuff is still present) is what they preach to young girls. though it’s certainly not the first to do so, it’s certainly the most popular, overly publicized and sneakily subversive about it. things like this insipid garbage is what is training developing girls to love these sallow eyed, vapid, empty headed, self absorbed, abusive, sociopathic, hair gel soaked me-monkey douche monkeys that all have that “i’m the worst mistake you’ll ever make, baby, cause i’m fucking DANGEROUS” hollow bravado bullshit glare because “if you just show them you care, you can find the GOOD in them…they can CHANGE” and that it’s ok to completely eject any consideration whatsoever for anyone else but their own selfish whining desires to obtain it at any cost and this is why they get punished for it. it trains them that you should really love the monster because the monster is just lonely and has so much more to offer inside. and why they are willing to suffer countless indignities, heartbreaks, and crushing abuses and shrug off the genuine love and affection of their family and friends trying to warn them how much they will inevitably regret running off with the motorcycle riding leather boy dropout with the pouty lips and an apparent kryptonite like allergy to a comb. sure, they’ll say “i wish i listened to you back then” a couple years, an indetermined number of kids, an absentee father, and a broken heart later, but they leave their fathers to wonder where they went wrong and miss their little girls while the ed cullins of the world have an extra seat on their crotch rockets and not think a second thought about it RIGHT NOW.

    i’ve seen it happen waaaay too many times. everyone has. I’ve made an entire carreer, hell and entire LIFE out listening to girls cry over the bad boy turning out to be exactly what everyone says he is. i’ve spent that life crushing their little emo skulls to avenge the indignities and sufferring they coerced people i cared about into happily enduring because shit like “twilight” has them convinced that if you just look a little deeper, the asshole is really something special inside, just no one has bothered to look. You wanna know what’s really lurking beneath the outer shell of the asshole? let me tell you, i’ve seen the insides of more than one of them and you know what’s in there? AN ASSHOLE. and no matter how many parts you break off of them, bones you pulverize, teeth you feed them, or femmie leather jackets and emo little spiked writstbands you shove up their various orifaces, you’ll always be the bad guy and they girl will hold the pulpy bag of flesh that used to be their hand for them cause “they are the only ones who “get” them”

    I’ve been “guy B” for so many women in this situation. I’ve racked up thousands of dollars on phone bills listening to them cry at three in the morning, earned a body covered in scars from all the ugly altercations i’ve been in either protecting them from or avenging them after some dispicalbe abuse, and fled countless prosecutions doing so (and damn proudly, even if it’s unnappreciated, scumbags are scumbags, and i always have an ass stomping to spare for one) only to watch time and time again, when Pouty McEmopants comes crawling back, tail between his legs promising that “this time it will be different” these same women practically break their legs Flinstones style bongo running back to them. honestly if it wasn’t for the wonderful woman i’ve spent over the last year with proving that the conditioning doesn’t always take, people can learn from their mistakes, and that sometimes some people really can be saved and shown a better way, i honestly would believe that these examples would be the only way it could ever turn out (thanks, baby <3)

    the writers should be ashamed of themselves for endorsing this kind of thing. and making these really very tragic concepts seem so appealing and attractive. as i said, i know they aren't the first, but that's no excuse, they should know better, and they have no one to blame but themselves when their own children, attempting to glorify this bullshit go running off to a life of dissapointment with these pole smoking fashion victims that THEY helped to make so en vogue. i think they call that justice

    sorry to all for that monumental rant, but (as i'm sure is obvious to anyone who is still reading this far) i feel very strongly about this sort of thing.

    I must say, this was pretty damn funny spoony. you know, i'm honestly thankful that you haven't completely lost your damn mind (despite clearly stating that you did so in the video) after you gave 2012 a thumbs up (not even to mention bashing the boondock saints, loving the blair witch project…nevermindf i said i wouldn't mention it) i looked at this video and honestly was afraid you'd like this piece of emo dog vomit. thank god you've still got your wits about you enough not to have fallen that far.

    i know it hurt, but i'm damn glad you suffered through this 2 and a half hour commercial for abusive relationship hotlines, so that you could be there to make me laugh my ass off as you skullfucked this movie right in it's sallow emo eyesocket!

  • Anonymous

    that was pretty long, but it was totally worth it. thank god you ripped it’s ass like it deserved. and since it was such a long review, i need to make a long comment on it (that hopefully will also be worth the time to read it)

    These movies really boggle my mind. I have neither seen either film nor have i read any of the books, (I may be pretty nuts and more than a little stupid, but i still have enough self respect left not to deal with this crap) but from everything i’ve heard, seen or read about them and their fans, the general concesus is that they are shit. bad writing, unlikeable characters, incomprehensible plots and tin ear dialogue, and that for the most part the fans know it too, they just refuse to accept it and love it anyway (but then there are sure enough star wars fans left to show that when you love something, you will love it no matter much evidence is shoved up your ass sideways that it’s a lost cause) I tthink you hit the nail on the head with the whole this is basically soft core porn for girls. which i have no complaint about (well no right to it anyway) considering it’s exactly the same kind of perverted fan service crap that men have been getting away with for years. everyone loves a little meat market display, no matter how politically correct you are (admit it. I have nothing but respect for women, but i love breasts too) and i think it’s only fair that girls get their fair share as well.

    now these things are hollow little shitfests based on hollow little shitfest books, but that’s not the worst part of these films. honestly i’ve dealt with bad writing, wafer thin character development, plots that make “Tetsuo: the iron man” seem positively straightforward and clearly linear, acting so brillo pad grating that it could peel the siding off a whole trailer park, and all that stuff before. (hey i’ve seen full moon and asylum pictures, and i had my japanese cinema phase, these things are no stranger to me)

    no, no, the REAL worst thing about these movies (though trust me, all that other stuff is still present) is what they preach to young girls. though it’s certainly not the first to do so, it’s certainly the most popular, overly publicized and sneakily subversive about it. things like this insipid garbage is what is training developing girls to love these sallow eyed, vapid, empty headed, self absorbed, abusive, sociopathic, hair gel soaked me-monkey douche monkeys that all have that “i’m the worst mistake you’ll ever make, baby, cause i’m fucking DANGEROUS” hollow bravado bullshit glare because “if you just show them you care, you can find the GOOD in them…they can CHANGE” and that it’s ok to completely eject any consideration whatsoever for anyone else but their own selfish whining desires to obtain it at any cost and this is why they get punished for it. it trains them that you should really love the monster because the monster is just lonely and has so much more to offer inside. and why they are willing to suffer countless indignities, heartbreaks, and crushing abuses and shrug off the genuine love and affection of their family and friends trying to warn them how much they will inevitably regret running off with the motorcycle riding leather boy dropout with the pouty lips and an apparent kryptonite like allergy to a comb. sure, they’ll say “i wish i listened to you back then” a couple years, an indetermined number of kids, an absentee father, and a broken heart later, but they leave their fathers to wonder where they went wrong and miss their little girls while the ed cullins of the world have an extra seat on their crotch rockets and not think a second thought about it RIGHT NOW.

    i’ve seen it happen waaaay too many times. everyone has. I’ve made an entire carreer, hell and entire LIFE out listening to girls cry over the bad boy turning out to be exactly what everyone says he is. i’ve spent that life crushing their little emo skulls to avenge the indignities and sufferring they coerced people i cared about into happily enduring because shit like “twilight” has them convinced that if you just look a little deeper, the asshole is really something special inside, just no one has bothered to look. You wanna know what’s really lurking beneath the outer shell of the asshole? let me tell you, i’ve seen the insides of more than one of them and you know what’s in there? AN ASSHOLE. and no matter how many parts you break off of them, bones you pulverize, teeth you feed them, or femmie leather jackets and emo little spiked writstbands you shove up their various orifaces, you’ll always be the bad guy and they girl will hold the pulpy bag of flesh that used to be their hand for them cause “they are the only ones who “get” them”

    I’ve been “guy B” for so many women in this situation. I’ve racked up thousands of dollars on phone bills listening to them cry at three in the morning, earned a body covered in scars from all the ugly altercations i’ve been in either protecting them from or avenging them after some dispicalbe abuse, and fled countless prosecutions doing so (and damn proudly, even if it’s unnappreciated, scumbags are scumbags, and i always have an ass stomping to spare for one) only to watch time and time again, when Pouty McEmopants comes crawling back, tail between his legs promising that “this time it will be different” these same women practically break their legs Flinstones style bongo running back to them. honestly if it wasn’t for the wonderful woman i’ve spent over the last year with proving that the conditioning doesn’t always take, people can learn from their mistakes, and that sometimes some people really can be saved and shown a better way, i honestly would believe that these examples would be the only way it could ever turn out (thanks, baby <3)

    the writers should be ashamed of themselves for endorsing this kind of thing. and making these really very tragic concepts seem so appealing and attractive. as i said, i know they aren't the first, but that's no excuse, they should know better, and they have no one to blame but themselves when their own children, attempting to glorify this bullshit go running off to a life of dissapointment with these pole smoking fashion victims that THEY helped to make so en vogue. i think they call that justice

    sorry to all for that monumental rant, but (as i'm sure is obvious to anyone who is still reading this far) i feel very strongly about this sort of thing.

    I must say, this was pretty damn funny spoony. you know, i'm honestly thankful that you haven't completely lost your damn mind (despite clearly stating that you did so in the video) after you gave 2012 a thumbs up (not even to mention bashing the boondock saints, loving the blair witch project…nevermindf i said i wouldn't mention it) i looked at this video and honestly was afraid you'd like this piece of emo dog vomit. thank god you've still got your wits about you enough not to have fallen that far.

    i know it hurt, but i'm damn glad you suffered through this 2 and a half hour commercial for abusive relationship hotlines, so that you could be there to make me laugh my ass off as you skullfucked this movie right in it's sallow emo eyesocket!

  • Anonymous

    that was pretty long, but it was totally worth it. thank god you ripped it’s ass like it deserved. and since it was such a long review, i need to make a long comment on it (that hopefully will also be worth the time to read it)

    These movies really boggle my mind. I have neither seen either film nor have i read any of the books, (I may be pretty nuts and more than a little stupid, but i still have enough self respect left not to deal with this crap) but from everything i’ve heard, seen or read about them and their fans, the general concesus is that they are shit. bad writing, unlikeable characters, incomprehensible plots and tin ear dialogue, and that for the most part the fans know it too, they just refuse to accept it and love it anyway (but then there are sure enough star wars fans left to show that when you love something, you will love it no matter much evidence is shoved up your ass sideways that it’s a lost cause) I tthink you hit the nail on the head with the whole this is basically soft core porn for girls. which i have no complaint about (well no right to it anyway) considering it’s exactly the same kind of perverted fan service crap that men have been getting away with for years. everyone loves a little meat market display, no matter how politically correct you are (admit it. I have nothing but respect for women, but i love breasts too) and i think it’s only fair that girls get their fair share as well.

    now these things are hollow little shitfests based on hollow little shitfest books, but that’s not the worst part of these films. honestly i’ve dealt with bad writing, wafer thin character development, plots that make “Tetsuo: the iron man” seem positively straightforward and clearly linear, acting so brillo pad grating that it could peel the siding off a whole trailer park, and all that stuff before. (hey i’ve seen full moon and asylum pictures, and i had my japanese cinema phase, these things are no stranger to me)

    no, no, the REAL worst thing about these movies (though trust me, all that other stuff is still present) is what they preach to young girls. though it’s certainly not the first to do so, it’s certainly the most popular, overly publicized and sneakily subversive about it. things like this insipid garbage is what is training developing girls to love these sallow eyed, vapid, empty headed, self absorbed, abusive, sociopathic, hair gel soaked me-monkey douche monkeys that all have that “i’m the worst mistake you’ll ever make, baby, cause i’m fucking DANGEROUS” hollow bravado bullshit glare because “if you just show them you care, you can find the GOOD in them…they can CHANGE” and that it’s ok to completely eject any consideration whatsoever for anyone else but their own selfish whining desires to obtain it at any cost and this is why they get punished for it. it trains them that you should really love the monster because the monster is just lonely and has so much more to offer inside. and why they are willing to suffer countless indignities, heartbreaks, and crushing abuses and shrug off the genuine love and affection of their family and friends trying to warn them how much they will inevitably regret running off with the motorcycle riding leather boy dropout with the pouty lips and an apparent kryptonite like allergy to a comb. sure, they’ll say “i wish i listened to you back then” a couple years, an indetermined number of kids, an absentee father, and a broken heart later, but they leave their fathers to wonder where they went wrong and miss their little girls while the ed cullins of the world have an extra seat on their crotch rockets and not think a second thought about it RIGHT NOW.

    i’ve seen it happen waaaay too many times. everyone has. I’ve made an entire carreer, hell and entire LIFE out listening to girls cry over the bad boy turning out to be exactly what everyone says he is. i’ve spent that life crushing their little emo skulls to avenge the indignities and sufferring they coerced people i cared about into happily enduring because shit like “twilight” has them convinced that if you just look a little deeper, the asshole is really something special inside, just no one has bothered to look. You wanna know what’s really lurking beneath the outer shell of the asshole? let me tell you, i’ve seen the insides of more than one of them and you know what’s in there? AN ASSHOLE. and no matter how many parts you break off of them, bones you pulverize, teeth you feed them, or femmie leather jackets and emo little spiked writstbands you shove up their various orifaces, you’ll always be the bad guy and they girl will hold the pulpy bag of flesh that used to be their hand for them cause “they are the only ones who “get” them”

    I’ve been “guy B” for so many women in this situation. I’ve racked up thousands of dollars on phone bills listening to them cry at three in the morning, earned a body covered in scars from all the ugly altercations i’ve been in either protecting them from or avenging them after some dispicalbe abuse, and fled countless prosecutions doing so (and damn proudly, even if it’s unnappreciated, scumbags are scumbags, and i always have an ass stomping to spare for one) only to watch time and time again, when Pouty McEmopants comes crawling back, tail between his legs promising that “this time it will be different” these same women practically break their legs Flinstones style bongo running back to them. honestly if it wasn’t for the wonderful woman i’ve spent over the last year with proving that the conditioning doesn’t always take, people can learn from their mistakes, and that sometimes some people really can be saved and shown a better way, i honestly would believe that these examples would be the only way it could ever turn out (thanks, baby <3)

    the writers should be ashamed of themselves for endorsing this kind of thing. and making these really very tragic concepts seem so appealing and attractive. as i said, i know they aren't the first, but that's no excuse, they should know better, and they have no one to blame but themselves when their own children, attempting to glorify this bullshit go running off to a life of dissapointment with these pole smoking fashion victims that THEY helped to make so en vogue. i think they call that justice

    sorry to all for that monumental rant, but (as i'm sure is obvious to anyone who is still reading this far) i feel very strongly about this sort of thing.

    I must say, this was pretty damn funny spoony. you know, i'm honestly thankful that you haven't completely lost your damn mind (despite clearly stating that you did so in the video) after you gave 2012 a thumbs up (not even to mention bashing the boondock saints, loving the blair witch project…nevermindf i said i wouldn't mention it) i looked at this video and honestly was afraid you'd like this piece of emo dog vomit. thank god you've still got your wits about you enough not to have fallen that far.

    i know it hurt, but i'm damn glad you suffered through this 2 and a half hour commercial for abusive relationship hotlines, so that you could be there to make me laugh my ass off as you skullfucked this movie right in it's sallow emo eyesocket!

  • Zack Dolan

    that was pretty long, but it was totally worth it. thank god you ripped it’s ass like it deserved. and since it was such a long review, i need to make a long comment on it (that hopefully will also be worth the time to read it)

    These movies really boggle my mind. I have neither seen either film nor have i read any of the books, (I may be pretty nuts and more than a little stupid, but i still have enough self respect left not to deal with this crap) but from everything i’ve heard, seen or read about them and their fans, the general concesus is that they are shit. bad writing, unlikeable characters, incomprehensible plots and tin ear dialogue, and that for the most part the fans know it too, they just refuse to accept it and love it anyway (but then there are sure enough star wars fans left to show that when you love something, you will love it no matter much evidence is shoved up your ass sideways that it’s a lost cause) I tthink you hit the nail on the head with the whole this is basically soft core porn for girls. which i have no complaint about (well no right to it anyway) considering it’s exactly the same kind of perverted fan service crap that men have been getting away with for years. everyone loves a little meat market display, no matter how politically correct you are (admit it. I have nothing but respect for women, but i love breasts too) and i think it’s only fair that girls get their fair share as well.

    now these things are hollow little shitfests based on hollow little shitfest books, but that’s not the worst part of these films. honestly i’ve dealt with bad writing, wafer thin character development, plots that make “Tetsuo: the iron man” seem positively straightforward and clearly linear, acting so brillo pad grating that it could peel the siding off a whole trailer park, and all that stuff before. (hey i’ve seen full moon and asylum pictures, and i had my japanese cinema phase, these things are no stranger to me)

    no, no, the REAL worst thing about these movies (though trust me, all that other stuff is still present) is what they preach to young girls. though it’s certainly not the first to do so, it’s certainly the most popular, overly publicized and sneakily subversive about it. things like this insipid garbage is what is training developing girls to love these sallow eyed, vapid, empty headed, self absorbed, abusive, sociopathic, hair gel soaked me-monkey douche monkeys that all have that “i’m the worst mistake you’ll ever make, baby, cause i’m fucking DANGEROUS” hollow bravado bullshit glare because “if you just show them you care, you can find the GOOD in them…they can CHANGE” and that it’s ok to completely eject any consideration whatsoever for anyone else but their own selfish whining desires to obtain it at any cost and this is why they get punished for it. it trains them that you should really love the monster because the monster is just lonely and has so much more to offer inside. and why they are willing to suffer countless indignities, heartbreaks, and crushing abuses and shrug off the genuine love and affection of their family and friends trying to warn them how much they will inevitably regret running off with the motorcycle riding leather boy dropout with the pouty lips and an apparent kryptonite like allergy to a comb. sure, they’ll say “i wish i listened to you back then” a couple years, an indetermined number of kids, an absentee father, and a broken heart later, but they leave their fathers to wonder where they went wrong and miss their little girls while the ed cullins of the world have an extra seat on their crotch rockets and not think a second thought about it RIGHT NOW.

    i’ve seen it happen waaaay too many times. everyone has. I’ve made an entire carreer, hell and entire LIFE out listening to girls cry over the bad boy turning out to be exactly what everyone says he is. i’ve spent that life crushing their little emo skulls to avenge the indignities and sufferring they coerced people i cared about into happily enduring because shit like “twilight” has them convinced that if you just look a little deeper, the asshole is really something special inside, just no one has bothered to look. You wanna know what’s really lurking beneath the outer shell of the asshole? let me tell you, i’ve seen the insides of more than one of them and you know what’s in there? AN ASSHOLE. and no matter how many parts you break off of them, bones you pulverize, teeth you feed them, or femmie leather jackets and emo little spiked writstbands you shove up their various orifaces, you’ll always be the bad guy and they girl will hold the pulpy bag of flesh that used to be their hand for them cause “they are the only ones who “get” them”

    I’ve been “guy B” for so many women in this situation. I’ve racked up thousands of dollars on phone bills listening to them cry at three in the morning, earned a body covered in scars from all the ugly altercations i’ve been in either protecting them from or avenging them after some dispicalbe abuse, and fled countless prosecutions doing so (and damn proudly, even if it’s unnappreciated, scumbags are scumbags, and i always have an ass stomping to spare for one) only to watch time and time again, when Pouty McEmopants comes crawling back, tail between his legs promising that “this time it will be different” these same women practically break their legs Flinstones style bongo running back to them. honestly if it wasn’t for the wonderful woman i’ve spent over the last year with proving that the conditioning doesn’t always take, people can learn from their mistakes, and that sometimes some people really can be saved and shown a better way, i honestly would believe that these examples would be the only way it could ever turn out (thanks, baby <3)

    the writers should be ashamed of themselves for endorsing this kind of thing. and making these really very tragic concepts seem so appealing and attractive. as i said, i know they aren't the first, but that's no excuse, they should know better, and they have no one to blame but themselves when their own children, attempting to glorify this bullshit go running off to a life of dissapointment with these pole smoking fashion victims that THEY helped to make so en vogue. i think they call that justice

    sorry to all for that monumental rant, but (as i'm sure is obvious to anyone who is still reading this far) i feel very strongly about this sort of thing.

    I must say, this was pretty damn funny spoony. you know, i'm honestly thankful that you haven't completely lost your damn mind (despite clearly stating that you did so in the video) after you gave 2012 a thumbs up (not even to mention bashing the boondock saints, loving the blair witch project…nevermindf i said i wouldn't mention it) i looked at this video and honestly was afraid you'd like this piece of emo dog vomit. thank god you've still got your wits about you enough not to have fallen that far.

    i know it hurt, but i'm damn glad you suffered through this 2 and a half hour commercial for abusive relationship hotlines, so that you could be there to make me laugh my ass off as you skullfucked this movie right in it's sallow emo eyesocket!

  • vina

    Brilliant!

  • vina

    Brilliant!

  • vina

    Brilliant!

  • vina

    Brilliant!

  • zach

    Spoony really needs to get out of his habit of recommending we see shitty movies.

  • zach

    Spoony really needs to get out of his habit of recommending we see shitty movies.

  • zach

    Spoony really needs to get out of his habit of recommending we see shitty movies.

  • zach

    Spoony really needs to get out of his habit of recommending we see shitty movies.

  • Jesse S.

    You know, this really only confirms my feelings about this whole Twilight Saga shit. On the one hand, at least it’s getting a set of preteen and teenage girls to read when they might otherwise not, which I gotta admit is a good thing in and of itself, I suppose. On the other, I think we all know that there’s just a mind-boggling number of other things they could just as well be reading and be better off for.

    I think I’ll save my fuller thoughts on this for the forum, where I can censor them at least a little better than I can here, but I can say now that it sounds like this whole Twilight franchise is something where the people involved are pretty much trying to make the most rancid, offensive thing they possibly can, and people are actually buying into it.

    I’d also wonder how you can handle sitting through these movies and games for us, Noah, but I know there’s at least money in it for you because I’m gonna go donate to the site now.

    Anyway, excellent work, dude. I hope you’re getting better rewards than the ones that guys like me can give.

  • Jesse S.

    You know, this really only confirms my feelings about this whole Twilight Saga shit. On the one hand, at least it’s getting a set of preteen and teenage girls to read when they might otherwise not, which I gotta admit is a good thing in and of itself, I suppose. On the other, I think we all know that there’s just a mind-boggling number of other things they could just as well be reading and be better off for.

    I think I’ll save my fuller thoughts on this for the forum, where I can censor them at least a little better than I can here, but I can say now that it sounds like this whole Twilight franchise is something where the people involved are pretty much trying to make the most rancid, offensive thing they possibly can, and people are actually buying into it.

    I’d also wonder how you can handle sitting through these movies and games for us, Noah, but I know there’s at least money in it for you because I’m gonna go donate to the site now.

    Anyway, excellent work, dude. I hope you’re getting better rewards than the ones that guys like me can give.

  • Jesse S.

    You know, this really only confirms my feelings about this whole Twilight Saga shit. On the one hand, at least it’s getting a set of preteen and teenage girls to read when they might otherwise not, which I gotta admit is a good thing in and of itself, I suppose. On the other, I think we all know that there’s just a mind-boggling number of other things they could just as well be reading and be better off for.

    I think I’ll save my fuller thoughts on this for the forum, where I can censor them at least a little better than I can here, but I can say now that it sounds like this whole Twilight franchise is something where the people involved are pretty much trying to make the most rancid, offensive thing they possibly can, and people are actually buying into it.

    I’d also wonder how you can handle sitting through these movies and games for us, Noah, but I know there’s at least money in it for you because I’m gonna go donate to the site now.

    Anyway, excellent work, dude. I hope you’re getting better rewards than the ones that guys like me can give.

  • Jesse S.

    You know, this really only confirms my feelings about this whole Twilight Saga shit. On the one hand, at least it’s getting a set of preteen and teenage girls to read when they might otherwise not, which I gotta admit is a good thing in and of itself, I suppose. On the other, I think we all know that there’s just a mind-boggling number of other things they could just as well be reading and be better off for.

    I think I’ll save my fuller thoughts on this for the forum, where I can censor them at least a little better than I can here, but I can say now that it sounds like this whole Twilight franchise is something where the people involved are pretty much trying to make the most rancid, offensive thing they possibly can, and people are actually buying into it.

    I’d also wonder how you can handle sitting through these movies and games for us, Noah, but I know there’s at least money in it for you because I’m gonna go donate to the site now.

    Anyway, excellent work, dude. I hope you’re getting better rewards than the ones that guys like me can give.

  • JMH

    god damn it feels good listening to this. Thanks man, i’m glad that i’m not the only one comparing does movies to “porn”. :P

  • JMH

    god damn it feels good listening to this. Thanks man, i’m glad that i’m not the only one comparing does movies to “porn”. :P

  • JMH

    god damn it feels good listening to this. Thanks man, i’m glad that i’m not the only one comparing does movies to “porn”. :P

  • JMH

    god damn it feels good listening to this. Thanks man, i’m glad that i’m not the only one comparing does movies to “porn”. :P

  • http://earthboundx.gamerdna.com/ Earthbound_X

    @JS Partisan

    Actually, I remember Spoony saying 2012 was a bad movie.

  • http://earthboundx.gamerdna.com/ Earthbound_X

    @JS Partisan

    Actually, I remember Spoony saying 2012 was a bad movie.

  • http://earthboundx.gamerdna.com/ Earthbound_X

    @JS Partisan

    Actually, I remember Spoony saying 2012 was a bad movie.

  • Matthew Bergman

    @Jesse S

    I rather have them not read then love this shit. Really Bella is the most horrible role model for young girls, both as a person and as an example of interpersonal relationships. I mean spoony got it completely right, she’s a manipulative bitch of a woman, showcasing the very worse stenotypes of the female gender, coupled with extreme co-dependency. Oh and the writing is shit. There is not a thing redeeming about the books, and this movie only has ok cinematography. My soul hurts that this is what everyone going to see and talk about.

    I also hate 2012 but at least I get why people like it. I mean it’s well done. Seriously can’t all these girls read withering heights. Same basic archetypes but at least the female character ain’t a complete ninny.

  • Matthew Bergman

    @Jesse S

    I rather have them not read then love this shit. Really Bella is the most horrible role model for young girls, both as a person and as an example of interpersonal relationships. I mean spoony got it completely right, she’s a manipulative bitch of a woman, showcasing the very worse stenotypes of the female gender, coupled with extreme co-dependency. Oh and the writing is shit. There is not a thing redeeming about the books, and this movie only has ok cinematography. My soul hurts that this is what everyone going to see and talk about.

    I also hate 2012 but at least I get why people like it. I mean it’s well done. Seriously can’t all these girls read withering heights. Same basic archetypes but at least the female character ain’t a complete ninny.

  • shadow20

    Is it just me, or does New Moon sound more like a candy bar or ice cream flavor, rather then a crappy romantic vampire book/movie?

  • shadow20

    Is it just me, or does New Moon sound more like a candy bar or ice cream flavor, rather then a crappy romantic vampire book/movie?

  • shadow20

    Is it just me, or does New Moon sound more like a candy bar or ice cream flavor, rather then a crappy romantic vampire book/movie?

  • shadow20

    Is it just me, or does New Moon sound more like a candy bar or ice cream flavor, rather then a crappy romantic vampire book/movie?

  • Sovereign110

    Hey Partisan, my own “emotionally inadequacies” aren’t the reason I hate Twilight, I hate it because it’s fucking terrible.

  • Sovereign110

    Hey Partisan, my own “emotionally inadequacies” aren’t the reason I hate Twilight, I hate it because it’s fucking terrible.

  • Sovereign110

    Hey Partisan, my own “emotionally inadequacies” aren’t the reason I hate Twilight, I hate it because it’s fucking terrible.

  • Sovereign110

    Hey Partisan, my own “emotionally inadequacies” aren’t the reason I hate Twilight, I hate it because it’s fucking terrible.

  • dreamer

    @JS Partisan

    Are you flat out retarded? Spoony clearly said that it was a bad movie.

    Twilight is fucking awful, quit being butthurt, twat.

  • dreamer

    @JS Partisan

    Are you flat out retarded? Spoony clearly said that it was a bad movie.

    Twilight is fucking awful, quit being butthurt, twat.

  • dreamer

    @JS Partisan

    Are you flat out retarded? Spoony clearly said that it was a bad movie.

    Twilight is fucking awful, quit being butthurt, twat.

  • dreamer

    @JS Partisan

    Are you flat out retarded? Spoony clearly said that it was a bad movie.

    Twilight is fucking awful, quit being butthurt, twat.

  • Leigh West

    Not that the books are well-written (I enjoyed them as a guilty pleasure, but accepted their limitations,) but it seems like the film directors cannot seem to figure out what is reasonable to cut and what just leaves gaping plot holes. For example, (going solely off Spoony cause I haven’t braved the fangirls) it sounds like they don’t explain that Edward broke his phone before he jetted off to Italy so they can’t just call him. His mind reading power only works in close proximity. Alice needs Bella because if she just shows up alone and says she’s alive Edward will think she’s just trying to stop him. Edward doesn’t know that Victoria is hunting Bella before he leaves her. Good God, assuming that movie watchers have read the books so it’s okay to leave gaping holes in the story is just bad filmmaking.

    I can’t wait to see if Spoony can manage to sit through Eclipse. If you think Bella is a cock-tease in New Moon, just wait. It doesn’t even compare to her needy self-absorbed behaviors in the next one !!!SPOILER!!! (calling Jacob back to her when he’s minutes away from an epic battle to apologize for not telling him that she and Edward are engaged?) I can’t disagree Spoony, Bella may be one of the least likeable characters in any film…ever.

  • Leigh West

    Not that the books are well-written (I enjoyed them as a guilty pleasure, but accepted their limitations,) but it seems like the film directors cannot seem to figure out what is reasonable to cut and what just leaves gaping plot holes. For example, (going solely off Spoony cause I haven’t braved the fangirls) it sounds like they don’t explain that Edward broke his phone before he jetted off to Italy so they can’t just call him. His mind reading power only works in close proximity. Alice needs Bella because if she just shows up alone and says she’s alive Edward will think she’s just trying to stop him. Edward doesn’t know that Victoria is hunting Bella before he leaves her. Good God, assuming that movie watchers have read the books so it’s okay to leave gaping holes in the story is just bad filmmaking.

    I can’t wait to see if Spoony can manage to sit through Eclipse. If you think Bella is a cock-tease in New Moon, just wait. It doesn’t even compare to her needy self-absorbed behaviors in the next one !!!SPOILER!!! (calling Jacob back to her when he’s minutes away from an epic battle to apologize for not telling him that she and Edward are engaged?) I can’t disagree Spoony, Bella may be one of the least likeable characters in any film…ever.

  • Snuzzie

    Crying I love you so much. Linking this to everybody in the world.

  • Snuzzie

    Crying I love you so much. Linking this to everybody in the world.

  • Snuzzie

    Crying I love you so much. Linking this to everybody in the world.

  • Snuzzie

    Crying I love you so much. Linking this to everybody in the world.

  • Chewie

    Only way ive ever seen twilight was with riff trax and it was hilarious. I suppose ill have to see this one as well when they get the rifftrax up for it too.
    Funny review though, and touches on why i find it so bad as well, its like preteen porn, which there is of course a market for, as we can see from her ridiculous sales of her books and the movies. Which is fine, if your a preteen, its the adults that like it that disturb me, if you wanna read a good action/love/sex story revolving around a female lead who everyone wants to bone, go pick up a laurell k hamilton book, she actually delivers.

    also the chihuahua vampire impression was lovely.

  • Chewie

    Only way ive ever seen twilight was with riff trax and it was hilarious. I suppose ill have to see this one as well when they get the rifftrax up for it too.
    Funny review though, and touches on why i find it so bad as well, its like preteen porn, which there is of course a market for, as we can see from her ridiculous sales of her books and the movies. Which is fine, if your a preteen, its the adults that like it that disturb me, if you wanna read a good action/love/sex story revolving around a female lead who everyone wants to bone, go pick up a laurell k hamilton book, she actually delivers.

    also the chihuahua vampire impression was lovely.

  • Chewie

    Only way ive ever seen twilight was with riff trax and it was hilarious. I suppose ill have to see this one as well when they get the rifftrax up for it too.
    Funny review though, and touches on why i find it so bad as well, its like preteen porn, which there is of course a market for, as we can see from her ridiculous sales of her books and the movies. Which is fine, if your a preteen, its the adults that like it that disturb me, if you wanna read a good action/love/sex story revolving around a female lead who everyone wants to bone, go pick up a laurell k hamilton book, she actually delivers.

    also the chihuahua vampire impression was lovely.

  • Chewie

    Only way ive ever seen twilight was with riff trax and it was hilarious. I suppose ill have to see this one as well when they get the rifftrax up for it too.
    Funny review though, and touches on why i find it so bad as well, its like preteen porn, which there is of course a market for, as we can see from her ridiculous sales of her books and the movies. Which is fine, if your a preteen, its the adults that like it that disturb me, if you wanna read a good action/love/sex story revolving around a female lead who everyone wants to bone, go pick up a laurell k hamilton book, she actually delivers.

    also the chihuahua vampire impression was lovely.

  • WilhelmofCoal

    holy hell dude, that movie looked like it kicked your ass.
    I seriously thought about seeing the movie for the sole purpose of mocking it but I didn’t want to waste my hard earned American greenbacks.
    Probably one of my favorite of your reviews, second only to Transformers 2 and Inglorious Basterds.

  • WilhelmofCoal

    holy hell dude, that movie looked like it kicked your ass.
    I seriously thought about seeing the movie for the sole purpose of mocking it but I didn’t want to waste my hard earned American greenbacks.
    Probably one of my favorite of your reviews, second only to Transformers 2 and Inglorious Basterds.

  • WilhelmofCoal

    holy hell dude, that movie looked like it kicked your ass.
    I seriously thought about seeing the movie for the sole purpose of mocking it but I didn’t want to waste my hard earned American greenbacks.
    Probably one of my favorite of your reviews, second only to Transformers 2 and Inglorious Basterds.

  • WilhelmofCoal

    holy hell dude, that movie looked like it kicked your ass.
    I seriously thought about seeing the movie for the sole purpose of mocking it but I didn’t want to waste my hard earned American greenbacks.
    Probably one of my favorite of your reviews, second only to Transformers 2 and Inglorious Basterds.

  • ThyPentacle

    Good review man! and I completely agree with most of what you said… and yeah I don’t get why chicks/dudes/whatever… want to see softcore style porn in a regular movie release like this… why don’t they just download real porn if they just want some material to get off on. It’s not like they avoid a ‘pervert’ stigma by bypassing and going the route of regular movie meat, in fact they come off as a perv and a moron at the same time if they watch it just for that. :D

    I also agree that the soundtracks for this teen movie stuff is pure shit… but take comfort in the fact that just as old 80s movies with soundtracks instead of true movie scores have become dated and comical to watch just cause of the bad (mostly) music used, these new movies will look even more stupid in years to come, if anyone remembers them at all…

    Finally, I also agree 2012 was OK… coulda been better but I think it works for the most part. It is after all, only an action movie and not meant to be deep. ;)

  • ThyPentacle

    Good review man! and I completely agree with most of what you said… and yeah I don’t get why chicks/dudes/whatever… want to see softcore style porn in a regular movie release like this… why don’t they just download real porn if they just want some material to get off on. It’s not like they avoid a ‘pervert’ stigma by bypassing and going the route of regular movie meat, in fact they come off as a perv and a moron at the same time if they watch it just for that. :D

    I also agree that the soundtracks for this teen movie stuff is pure shit… but take comfort in the fact that just as old 80s movies with soundtracks instead of true movie scores have become dated and comical to watch just cause of the bad (mostly) music used, these new movies will look even more stupid in years to come, if anyone remembers them at all…

    Finally, I also agree 2012 was OK… coulda been better but I think it works for the most part. It is after all, only an action movie and not meant to be deep. ;)

  • ThyPentacle

    Good review man! and I completely agree with most of what you said… and yeah I don’t get why chicks/dudes/whatever… want to see softcore style porn in a regular movie release like this… why don’t they just download real porn if they just want some material to get off on. It’s not like they avoid a ‘pervert’ stigma by bypassing and going the route of regular movie meat, in fact they come off as a perv and a moron at the same time if they watch it just for that. :D

    I also agree that the soundtracks for this teen movie stuff is pure shit… but take comfort in the fact that just as old 80s movies with soundtracks instead of true movie scores have become dated and comical to watch just cause of the bad (mostly) music used, these new movies will look even more stupid in years to come, if anyone remembers them at all…

    Finally, I also agree 2012 was OK… coulda been better but I think it works for the most part. It is after all, only an action movie and not meant to be deep. ;)

  • ThyPentacle

    Good review man! and I completely agree with most of what you said… and yeah I don’t get why chicks/dudes/whatever… want to see softcore style porn in a regular movie release like this… why don’t they just download real porn if they just want some material to get off on. It’s not like they avoid a ‘pervert’ stigma by bypassing and going the route of regular movie meat, in fact they come off as a perv and a moron at the same time if they watch it just for that. :D

    I also agree that the soundtracks for this teen movie stuff is pure shit… but take comfort in the fact that just as old 80s movies with soundtracks instead of true movie scores have become dated and comical to watch just cause of the bad (mostly) music used, these new movies will look even more stupid in years to come, if anyone remembers them at all…

    Finally, I also agree 2012 was OK… coulda been better but I think it works for the most part. It is after all, only an action movie and not meant to be deep. ;)

  • Orion Lukas

    Hahaahahaha. “Don’t ride the clutch”, “This is really messing up your hair”, “Wear a helmet”. Freaking legendary impersonations. You bastard I was laughing so hard I had to stop eating my beef curry not to choke.
    It went bloody cold.

  • Orion Lukas

    Hahaahahaha. “Don’t ride the clutch”, “This is really messing up your hair”, “Wear a helmet”. Freaking legendary impersonations. You bastard I was laughing so hard I had to stop eating my beef curry not to choke.
    It went bloody cold.

  • Orion Lukas

    Hahaahahaha. “Don’t ride the clutch”, “This is really messing up your hair”, “Wear a helmet”. Freaking legendary impersonations. You bastard I was laughing so hard I had to stop eating my beef curry not to choke.
    It went bloody cold.

  • Bowiesgirl

    Ok, so the bit about the warewolves in New Moon being a paper thin allegory for homosexuality reminded of ANOTHER (god awful) movie that uses warewolves as even thinner allegory for homosexuality, and that movie is the Wolves of Kromer. (for the curious theIMDB site for it, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0177394/ )

    So even in her bad allegories, Myers lacks originality… and that is just extra sad.

  • Bowiesgirl

    Ok, so the bit about the warewolves in New Moon being a paper thin allegory for homosexuality reminded of ANOTHER (god awful) movie that uses warewolves as even thinner allegory for homosexuality, and that movie is the Wolves of Kromer. (for the curious theIMDB site for it, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0177394/ )

    So even in her bad allegories, Myers lacks originality… and that is just extra sad.

  • Bowiesgirl

    Ok, so the bit about the warewolves in New Moon being a paper thin allegory for homosexuality reminded of ANOTHER (god awful) movie that uses warewolves as even thinner allegory for homosexuality, and that movie is the Wolves of Kromer. (for the curious theIMDB site for it, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0177394/ )

    So even in her bad allegories, Myers lacks originality… and that is just extra sad.

  • ChibiGingi

    You put up with a lot of BS as a reviewer, as you’re more obligated to see a film than physically wanting to. You’re too good for us, Spoony, to torment yourself so just for us to get a few yucks. I appreciate your pain, at least.

    Honestly, I don’t care about the whole issue with vampires sparkling or just how shallow the entire series is (a part of me died every time I passed one of those dumb books through the scanner when working at Barnes & Noble… and to be surrounded by women my age who just ate that shit up… oh, thank god I don’t work for them anymore). What always turned me off of the series was Bella, and for all the reasons you told me. My coworkers tried to convince me ‘but it’s true wuv!’ but all I could think about was how pathetic, whiny, cruel and manipulative she was. While I understand the mormon background, my mormon roommate is utterly disgusted by this filth and openly expresses it everywhere she goes (I swear, she’s in the wrong religion, I tell her).

    I can’t stand women like that, and I’d beat the shit out of them to try and get through to them, but they’d only come back for more. This behavior is not meant to be praised; it’s a warning of a really unhealthy relationship and as you said, mental illness, that NEEDS to be checked. When does mental illness = true love? When Stephanie Fuckin’ Myers writes a stupid story about sparkling vampires, selfish, manipulative bitches going through ‘high school drama’ and some sorry excuses for werewolves (though still ten times more ‘interesting’ than the vampires, and that’s just sad).

    This review was funny and also on the spot. I’m tempted to see if in a theater at night with all my friends after a few drinks, but like hell I’m spending money on that shit. It beating the Dark Knight is trash, just trash.

  • ChibiGingi

    You put up with a lot of BS as a reviewer, as you’re more obligated to see a film than physically wanting to. You’re too good for us, Spoony, to torment yourself so just for us to get a few yucks. I appreciate your pain, at least.

    Honestly, I don’t care about the whole issue with vampires sparkling or just how shallow the entire series is (a part of me died every time I passed one of those dumb books through the scanner when working at Barnes & Noble… and to be surrounded by women my age who just ate that shit up… oh, thank god I don’t work for them anymore). What always turned me off of the series was Bella, and for all the reasons you told me. My coworkers tried to convince me ‘but it’s true wuv!’ but all I could think about was how pathetic, whiny, cruel and manipulative she was. While I understand the mormon background, my mormon roommate is utterly disgusted by this filth and openly expresses it everywhere she goes (I swear, she’s in the wrong religion, I tell her).

    I can’t stand women like that, and I’d beat the shit out of them to try and get through to them, but they’d only come back for more. This behavior is not meant to be praised; it’s a warning of a really unhealthy relationship and as you said, mental illness, that NEEDS to be checked. When does mental illness = true love? When Stephanie Fuckin’ Myers writes a stupid story about sparkling vampires, selfish, manipulative bitches going through ‘high school drama’ and some sorry excuses for werewolves (though still ten times more ‘interesting’ than the vampires, and that’s just sad).

    This review was funny and also on the spot. I’m tempted to see if in a theater at night with all my friends after a few drinks, but like hell I’m spending money on that shit. It beating the Dark Knight is trash, just trash.

  • ChibiGingi

    You put up with a lot of BS as a reviewer, as you’re more obligated to see a film than physically wanting to. You’re too good for us, Spoony, to torment yourself so just for us to get a few yucks. I appreciate your pain, at least.

    Honestly, I don’t care about the whole issue with vampires sparkling or just how shallow the entire series is (a part of me died every time I passed one of those dumb books through the scanner when working at Barnes & Noble… and to be surrounded by women my age who just ate that shit up… oh, thank god I don’t work for them anymore). What always turned me off of the series was Bella, and for all the reasons you told me. My coworkers tried to convince me ‘but it’s true wuv!’ but all I could think about was how pathetic, whiny, cruel and manipulative she was. While I understand the mormon background, my mormon roommate is utterly disgusted by this filth and openly expresses it everywhere she goes (I swear, she’s in the wrong religion, I tell her).

    I can’t stand women like that, and I’d beat the shit out of them to try and get through to them, but they’d only come back for more. This behavior is not meant to be praised; it’s a warning of a really unhealthy relationship and as you said, mental illness, that NEEDS to be checked. When does mental illness = true love? When Stephanie Fuckin’ Myers writes a stupid story about sparkling vampires, selfish, manipulative bitches going through ‘high school drama’ and some sorry excuses for werewolves (though still ten times more ‘interesting’ than the vampires, and that’s just sad).

    This review was funny and also on the spot. I’m tempted to see if in a theater at night with all my friends after a few drinks, but like hell I’m spending money on that shit. It beating the Dark Knight is trash, just trash.

  • WesTriple6

    That was the most hilarious film review. I can’t believe you went on for like 40 minutes. haha. I thought the first twilight movie was terrible, with Belle and Edward telling each other that they can’t be together in every single scene. I really had no inclination to watch New Moon, but maybe I will, for laughs. I think I may regret it though.

    I’m sure it can’t be worse than Transformers 2 or GI Joe.

  • WesTriple6

    That was the most hilarious film review. I can’t believe you went on for like 40 minutes. haha. I thought the first twilight movie was terrible, with Belle and Edward telling each other that they can’t be together in every single scene. I really had no inclination to watch New Moon, but maybe I will, for laughs. I think I may regret it though.

    I’m sure it can’t be worse than Transformers 2 or GI Joe.

  • WesTriple6

    That was the most hilarious film review. I can’t believe you went on for like 40 minutes. haha. I thought the first twilight movie was terrible, with Belle and Edward telling each other that they can’t be together in every single scene. I really had no inclination to watch New Moon, but maybe I will, for laughs. I think I may regret it though.

    I’m sure it can’t be worse than Transformers 2 or GI Joe.

  • Svlal Cjelli

    “Emotionally abusive”?
    He punched her out!

  • Svlal Cjelli

    “Emotionally abusive”?
    He punched her out!

  • Svlal Cjelli

    “Emotionally abusive”?
    He punched her out!

  • A-Bomb

    Porn for girls. Well put. More specifically, socially accpetable porn for girls. I mean dudes are almost expected to watch porn but people can freak over a girl being into porn. Thanks to Twilight, girls have their own stroke material that even the mormons find socially acceptable.

  • A-Bomb

    Porn for girls. Well put. More specifically, socially accpetable porn for girls. I mean dudes are almost expected to watch porn but people can freak over a girl being into porn. Thanks to Twilight, girls have their own stroke material that even the mormons find socially acceptable.

  • A-Bomb

    Porn for girls. Well put. More specifically, socially accpetable porn for girls. I mean dudes are almost expected to watch porn but people can freak over a girl being into porn. Thanks to Twilight, girls have their own stroke material that even the mormons find socially acceptable.

  • Jayman

    Wow. Spoony looked emotionally and physically drained from seeing this movie. I agree that Bella may be the absolute most wretched character to be conjured up by the human mind. Absolutely no reedemable qualities (and your meant to side with her in the books!), selfish, manipulative, and total cock-tease.

    I knew girls like Bella in highschool that spent their days fooling poor saps into giving them whatever they wanted for the sliver of affection only to dump them for some douche who could care less about her obsession.

    I could forgive all that, but to completely destroy the lore of Vampires and Werewolves. For years the new generations will think of Jacob and Edward when thinking of what was once epic creatures of lore.

  • Jayman

    Wow. Spoony looked emotionally and physically drained from seeing this movie. I agree that Bella may be the absolute most wretched character to be conjured up by the human mind. Absolutely no reedemable qualities (and your meant to side with her in the books!), selfish, manipulative, and total cock-tease.

    I knew girls like Bella in highschool that spent their days fooling poor saps into giving them whatever they wanted for the sliver of affection only to dump them for some douche who could care less about her obsession.

    I could forgive all that, but to completely destroy the lore of Vampires and Werewolves. For years the new generations will think of Jacob and Edward when thinking of what was once epic creatures of lore.

  • Jayman

    Wow. Spoony looked emotionally and physically drained from seeing this movie. I agree that Bella may be the absolute most wretched character to be conjured up by the human mind. Absolutely no reedemable qualities (and your meant to side with her in the books!), selfish, manipulative, and total cock-tease.

    I knew girls like Bella in highschool that spent their days fooling poor saps into giving them whatever they wanted for the sliver of affection only to dump them for some douche who could care less about her obsession.

    I could forgive all that, but to completely destroy the lore of Vampires and Werewolves. For years the new generations will think of Jacob and Edward when thinking of what was once epic creatures of lore.

  • Atom

    That was awesome. I love having a crappy movie-which I would never see-totally trashed. I get all the comedy without having to do the work of seeing that horrible movie. Cheers SPoon!

  • Atom

    That was awesome. I love having a crappy movie-which I would never see-totally trashed. I get all the comedy without having to do the work of seeing that horrible movie. Cheers SPoon!

  • Atom

    That was awesome. I love having a crappy movie-which I would never see-totally trashed. I get all the comedy without having to do the work of seeing that horrible movie. Cheers SPoon!

  • The Gamer

    OK, the key demographics for this movie are obvious: Emo tweenies, Middle-aged women, and Gay men.

    To everyone who thinks Spoony needs to update his music rep: Music made recently has been, by and large, utter crap. Emo sucks. Screamo sucks. And new Metallica sucks hard.

  • The Gamer

    OK, the key demographics for this movie are obvious: Emo tweenies, Middle-aged women, and Gay men.

    To everyone who thinks Spoony needs to update his music rep: Music made recently has been, by and large, utter crap. Emo sucks. Screamo sucks. And new Metallica sucks hard.

  • The Gamer

    OK, the key demographics for this movie are obvious: Emo tweenies, Middle-aged women, and Gay men.

    To everyone who thinks Spoony needs to update his music rep: Music made recently has been, by and large, utter crap. Emo sucks. Screamo sucks. And new Metallica sucks hard.

  • jimmyjoejohn

    lololololol I love how the last 15 mins of this video was primarily about titties.

  • jimmyjoejohn

    lololololol I love how the last 15 mins of this video was primarily about titties.

  • jimmyjoejohn

    lololololol I love how the last 15 mins of this video was primarily about titties.

  • Brofist

    Twilight is bad and you should feel bad.

  • Brofist

    Twilight is bad and you should feel bad.

  • Brofist

    Twilight is bad and you should feel bad.

  • Hobbitgoth

    Spoony flasher. Epic.

  • Hobbitgoth

    Spoony flasher. Epic.

  • Hobbitgoth

    Spoony flasher. Epic.

  • Madman123456

    You paid money to see this Movie. You supported the Creators of this Movie.

  • Madman123456

    You paid money to see this Movie. You supported the Creators of this Movie.

  • Madman123456

    You paid money to see this Movie. You supported the Creators of this Movie.

  • Soroka

    Give him a break. He’s a reviewer, he needs to suffer more than us! XD

  • Soroka

    Give him a break. He’s a reviewer, he needs to suffer more than us! XD

  • Soroka

    Give him a break. He’s a reviewer, he needs to suffer more than us! XD

  • 12Sided

    ugh I hate this franchise so much, I went to see the first movie for the lulz and also so I could say I watched it so I know it sucks. There are just so many ways that it’s bad… I mean I actually think it would have been much better to have Bella turned right after the first book so she might be able to, you know, actualy do things and stand a chance at defending herself and not being in danger from Edward so much, just ugh.
    I remember doing an article on why Interview with a Vampire is so much better then Twilight and it boils down to ‘Why the hell would I want to read about being a human girl in love with a vampire when I could read about what it’s like to become a Vampire?’
    I am amused by all the man candy though, hey I’m a straight woman I like man candy but there are better places to get it then this movie…. like Asian pop stars… yeah… *goes to youtube*

  • 12Sided

    ugh I hate this franchise so much, I went to see the first movie for the lulz and also so I could say I watched it so I know it sucks. There are just so many ways that it’s bad… I mean I actually think it would have been much better to have Bella turned right after the first book so she might be able to, you know, actualy do things and stand a chance at defending herself and not being in danger from Edward so much, just ugh.
    I remember doing an article on why Interview with a Vampire is so much better then Twilight and it boils down to ‘Why the hell would I want to read about being a human girl in love with a vampire when I could read about what it’s like to become a Vampire?’
    I am amused by all the man candy though, hey I’m a straight woman I like man candy but there are better places to get it then this movie…. like Asian pop stars… yeah… *goes to youtube*

  • 12Sided

    ugh I hate this franchise so much, I went to see the first movie for the lulz and also so I could say I watched it so I know it sucks. There are just so many ways that it’s bad… I mean I actually think it would have been much better to have Bella turned right after the first book so she might be able to, you know, actualy do things and stand a chance at defending herself and not being in danger from Edward so much, just ugh.
    I remember doing an article on why Interview with a Vampire is so much better then Twilight and it boils down to ‘Why the hell would I want to read about being a human girl in love with a vampire when I could read about what it’s like to become a Vampire?’
    I am amused by all the man candy though, hey I’m a straight woman I like man candy but there are better places to get it then this movie…. like Asian pop stars… yeah… *goes to youtube*

  • montrith

    Oh, come on! Not all women went to see Twilight for the cheesecake. Some of us just look at honest gay porn.

    Seriously, Bella is unlikable for all the reason you said and Edward…Well, it completely baffles me why people find him so attractive. He seems to have little to recommend himself apart from the pretty face. It certainly can’t be because of his sparkling intellect, which is nicely demonstrated by his brilliant plan for offing himself.

    As for the true love thing, I’ve seen more convincing true love stories in bad Japanese shoujo manga. Speaking of which, looks like I’m going to have to see the movie after all, since it sounds hilarious in exactly the same way as bad Japanese shoujo manga.

  • montrith

    Oh, come on! Not all women went to see Twilight for the cheesecake. Some of us just look at honest gay porn.

    Seriously, Bella is unlikable for all the reason you said and Edward…Well, it completely baffles me why people find him so attractive. He seems to have little to recommend himself apart from the pretty face. It certainly can’t be because of his sparkling intellect, which is nicely demonstrated by his brilliant plan for offing himself.

    As for the true love thing, I’ve seen more convincing true love stories in bad Japanese shoujo manga. Speaking of which, looks like I’m going to have to see the movie after all, since it sounds hilarious in exactly the same way as bad Japanese shoujo manga.

  • montrith

    Oh, come on! Not all women went to see Twilight for the cheesecake. Some of us just look at honest gay porn.

    Seriously, Bella is unlikable for all the reason you said and Edward…Well, it completely baffles me why people find him so attractive. He seems to have little to recommend himself apart from the pretty face. It certainly can’t be because of his sparkling intellect, which is nicely demonstrated by his brilliant plan for offing himself.

    As for the true love thing, I’ve seen more convincing true love stories in bad Japanese shoujo manga. Speaking of which, looks like I’m going to have to see the movie after all, since it sounds hilarious in exactly the same way as bad Japanese shoujo manga.

  • GodOfPlague

    This review, the Bum, and Spill.com’s review have wrought something good and funny of this abomination.
    Speaking of Spill’s TF2 gives yo a good look inside Micheal Bay’s mind via flash animation.

    Twilight proves women are just as shallow as men. They watch this for eye candy.

  • GodOfPlague

    This review, the Bum, and Spill.com’s review have wrought something good and funny of this abomination.
    Speaking of Spill’s TF2 gives yo a good look inside Micheal Bay’s mind via flash animation.

    Twilight proves women are just as shallow as men. They watch this for eye candy.

  • GodOfPlague

    This review, the Bum, and Spill.com’s review have wrought something good and funny of this abomination.
    Speaking of Spill’s TF2 gives yo a good look inside Micheal Bay’s mind via flash animation.

    Twilight proves women are just as shallow as men. They watch this for eye candy.

  • Dragoqueen

    why even watch this movie it just a fanservse the movie

  • Dragoqueen

    why even watch this movie it just a fanservse the movie

  • Dragoqueen

    why even watch this movie it just a fanservse the movie

  • Silvexsun

    I’d rather have a burly German nurse administer me a warm Fresca enema than see New Moon.

  • Silvexsun

    I’d rather have a burly German nurse administer me a warm Fresca enema than see New Moon.

  • Silvexsun

    I’d rather have a burly German nurse administer me a warm Fresca enema than see New Moon.

  • Assiman

    Don’t get on the motorcycle….
    Wear a helmet…
    watch those calories, girlfriend…

  • Assiman

    Don’t get on the motorcycle….
    Wear a helmet…
    watch those calories, girlfriend…

  • Assiman

    Don’t get on the motorcycle….
    Wear a helmet…
    watch those calories, girlfriend…

  • Zibby

    Damn… now I want to see this just for the audience reactions. But there’s no way I can justify giving them money.

  • Zibby

    Damn… now I want to see this just for the audience reactions. But there’s no way I can justify giving them money.

  • Zibby

    Damn… now I want to see this just for the audience reactions. But there’s no way I can justify giving them money.

  • http://www.fizzycat.deviantart.com/ missn00b

    long time watcher, first time poster here, but spoony that was easily one of the funniest rants I’ve ever seen. Good show.

    And the sad thing is when I went to see zombieland on friday, we couldn’t as it meant waiting around till 10:30 for the only showing of it, thus missing our train home. And what had six SOLD OUT showings filled with pree-teens and squealing idiots in the queue?

    Yeeeah.

    Fuck you Twilight.

  • http://www.fizzycat.deviantart.com/ missn00b

    long time watcher, first time poster here, but spoony that was easily one of the funniest rants I’ve ever seen. Good show.

    And the sad thing is when I went to see zombieland on friday, we couldn’t as it meant waiting around till 10:30 for the only showing of it, thus missing our train home. And what had six SOLD OUT showings filled with pree-teens and squealing idiots in the queue?

    Yeeeah.

    Fuck you Twilight.

  • http://www.fizzycat.deviantart.com missn00b

    long time watcher, first time poster here, but spoony that was easily one of the funniest rants I’ve ever seen. Good show.

    And the sad thing is when I went to see zombieland on friday, we couldn’t as it meant waiting around till 10:30 for the only showing of it, thus missing our train home. And what had six SOLD OUT showings filled with pree-teens and squealing idiots in the queue?

    Yeeeah.

    Fuck you Twilight.

  • Poipoi

    I really respect you for going to see this movie against your better judgement and giving us an honest review. Thats why I like to watch your reviews unlike Mel, my newpaper critic. We don’t always agree but I can understand where you come from when you talk about the movie. I am almost tempted to see it for the gay werewolves.

    It would be funny if you and some friends made a parody of Newmoon. And when the edward character faces the ancient vampires, he meets Dr Insano. I can understand why you wouldn’t because there has to be alot of parodies of this movie by now. Still, the thought is rather funny.

  • Poipoi

    I really respect you for going to see this movie against your better judgement and giving us an honest review. Thats why I like to watch your reviews unlike Mel, my newpaper critic. We don’t always agree but I can understand where you come from when you talk about the movie. I am almost tempted to see it for the gay werewolves.

    It would be funny if you and some friends made a parody of Newmoon. And when the edward character faces the ancient vampires, he meets Dr Insano. I can understand why you wouldn’t because there has to be alot of parodies of this movie by now. Still, the thought is rather funny.

  • Poipoi

    I really respect you for going to see this movie against your better judgement and giving us an honest review. Thats why I like to watch your reviews unlike Mel, my newpaper critic. We don’t always agree but I can understand where you come from when you talk about the movie. I am almost tempted to see it for the gay werewolves.

    It would be funny if you and some friends made a parody of Newmoon. And when the edward character faces the ancient vampires, he meets Dr Insano. I can understand why you wouldn’t because there has to be alot of parodies of this movie by now. Still, the thought is rather funny.

  • Syron

    Yeah, from what TgwtG said, and from this.. I’m afraid to even look at the cover of this, for fear of losing yet more of my intelligence.

  • Syron

    Yeah, from what TgwtG said, and from this.. I’m afraid to even look at the cover of this, for fear of losing yet more of my intelligence.

  • Syron

    Yeah, from what TgwtG said, and from this.. I’m afraid to even look at the cover of this, for fear of losing yet more of my intelligence.

  • daa

    i wanna see that face punch by edward to bella that’ll be good for some chuckles

  • daa

    i wanna see that face punch by edward to bella that’ll be good for some chuckles

  • daa

    i wanna see that face punch by edward to bella that’ll be good for some chuckles

  • Seiber

    I love how your expression on the still before you press play on the video is one of unreasoning horror.

  • Seiber

    I love how your expression on the still before you press play on the video is one of unreasoning horror.

  • Seiber

    I love how your expression on the still before you press play on the video is one of unreasoning horror.

  • Mike

    About Ed being in pain, wouldn’t you be in pain if you had to go out with that stupid bitch Bella?

  • Mike

    About Ed being in pain, wouldn’t you be in pain if you had to go out with that stupid bitch Bella?

  • Mike

    About Ed being in pain, wouldn’t you be in pain if you had to go out with that stupid bitch Bella?

  • Jimmy

    When I thought the Twilight phase was over, they make this piece of crap. Lets just say that being in high-school the day before the midnight release makes you wanna commit suicide. The movies still suck to this point, the “vampires” still dont combust in the sunlight and every gay man and horny 13-18 year olds still JIMPs over Jacob and Ed. So why spend 7.50 for a ticket when you can see half naked men at a local gym. But if you want to see a guy turn into an animal instantly just give him some Viagra. So come next movie, grab all the books, some gas, a match, and a metal trash can and burn ‘em, guarenteed you’ll get all the audiance reactions with out even stepping foot inside. Theres my two cents.

  • Jimmy

    When I thought the Twilight phase was over, they make this piece of crap. Lets just say that being in high-school the day before the midnight release makes you wanna commit suicide. The movies still suck to this point, the “vampires” still dont combust in the sunlight and every gay man and horny 13-18 year olds still JIMPs over Jacob and Ed. So why spend 7.50 for a ticket when you can see half naked men at a local gym. But if you want to see a guy turn into an animal instantly just give him some Viagra. So come next movie, grab all the books, some gas, a match, and a metal trash can and burn ‘em, guarenteed you’ll get all the audiance reactions with out even stepping foot inside. Theres my two cents.

  • Tim

    I LOVED it man! I laughed so many times, thanks! XD

  • Tim

    I LOVED it man! I laughed so many times, thanks! XD

  • Tim

    I LOVED it man! I laughed so many times, thanks! XD

  • Midnight Voyager

    This could be compared to Wuthering Heights, actually. The book ITSELF compares ITSELF to Wuthering Heights.

    This is not a compliment, in my eyes. A story of two sociopaths with a monomaniac crush on each other, leaving a trail of crushed hearts and broken lives in their wake. And yet so many AIRHEADED teenage girls in my class crooned about how romantic Wuthering Heights was. These being the same girls who lead guys on just for free meals/movies. SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS REASON, THEY WOULD SAY THIS FLAT OUT TO ME.

    haaaaaaaate.

  • Midnight Voyager

    This could be compared to Wuthering Heights, actually. The book ITSELF compares ITSELF to Wuthering Heights.

    This is not a compliment, in my eyes. A story of two sociopaths with a monomaniac crush on each other, leaving a trail of crushed hearts and broken lives in their wake. And yet so many AIRHEADED teenage girls in my class crooned about how romantic Wuthering Heights was. These being the same girls who lead guys on just for free meals/movies. SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS REASON, THEY WOULD SAY THIS FLAT OUT TO ME.

    haaaaaaaate.

  • Midnight Voyager

    This could be compared to Wuthering Heights, actually. The book ITSELF compares ITSELF to Wuthering Heights.

    This is not a compliment, in my eyes. A story of two sociopaths with a monomaniac crush on each other, leaving a trail of crushed hearts and broken lives in their wake. And yet so many AIRHEADED teenage girls in my class crooned about how romantic Wuthering Heights was. These being the same girls who lead guys on just for free meals/movies. SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS REASON, THEY WOULD SAY THIS FLAT OUT TO ME.

    haaaaaaaate.

  • Khranok

    Damn this has gotta be your funniest review! XD I cant believe you can spontainiously do these reviews. I really dont get why this franchise is so popular

  • Khranok

    Damn this has gotta be your funniest review! XD I cant believe you can spontainiously do these reviews. I really dont get why this franchise is so popular

  • Khranok

    Damn this has gotta be your funniest review! XD I cant believe you can spontainiously do these reviews. I really dont get why this franchise is so popular

  • CasioArgento

    Funny Review…

    Hey Spoony, of the bad Movies of this Year (Halloween 2, Transformers 2, New Moon) – which one do you consider the worst??? ;)

  • CasioArgento

    Funny Review…

    Hey Spoony, of the bad Movies of this Year (Halloween 2, Transformers 2, New Moon) – which one do you consider the worst??? ;)

  • CasioArgento

    Funny Review…

    Hey Spoony, of the bad Movies of this Year (Halloween 2, Transformers 2, New Moon) – which one do you consider the worst??? ;)

  • Jessica

    As a 21-year-old girl who has read all the Twilight novels, I just have to say that this review is 100% spot on. I have not seen the movies, but the books were absolutely ridiculous. You have the opinion that I wish more people would have, especially more girls. That young women are seeing this sort of thing as love as opposed to what it really is, lust, is sad and makes me concerned for their generation. If this is the sort of thing they want to get out of life, I pity them, because there’s much better out there than emotionally abusive, manipulative boyfriends. (Yes, I think Edward is just as bad as Bella when it comes to manipulating people [mostly Bella herself], but I feel like that comes across more in the books since you didn’t really touch on it.)

    I can’t wait to see what you think of Eclipse, and eventually Breaking Dawn, the biggest shit pile ever published! Here’s a spoiler: RENESMEE.

  • Jessica

    As a 21-year-old girl who has read all the Twilight novels, I just have to say that this review is 100% spot on. I have not seen the movies, but the books were absolutely ridiculous. You have the opinion that I wish more people would have, especially more girls. That young women are seeing this sort of thing as love as opposed to what it really is, lust, is sad and makes me concerned for their generation. If this is the sort of thing they want to get out of life, I pity them, because there’s much better out there than emotionally abusive, manipulative boyfriends. (Yes, I think Edward is just as bad as Bella when it comes to manipulating people [mostly Bella herself], but I feel like that comes across more in the books since you didn’t really touch on it.)

    I can’t wait to see what you think of Eclipse, and eventually Breaking Dawn, the biggest shit pile ever published! Here’s a spoiler: RENESMEE.

  • Jessica

    As a 21-year-old girl who has read all the Twilight novels, I just have to say that this review is 100% spot on. I have not seen the movies, but the books were absolutely ridiculous. You have the opinion that I wish more people would have, especially more girls. That young women are seeing this sort of thing as love as opposed to what it really is, lust, is sad and makes me concerned for their generation. If this is the sort of thing they want to get out of life, I pity them, because there’s much better out there than emotionally abusive, manipulative boyfriends. (Yes, I think Edward is just as bad as Bella when it comes to manipulating people [mostly Bella herself], but I feel like that comes across more in the books since you didn’t really touch on it.)

    I can’t wait to see what you think of Eclipse, and eventually Breaking Dawn, the biggest shit pile ever published! Here’s a spoiler: RENESMEE.

  • http://youtube.com/PawlEdmonds Velocirapscallion

    Wow, just saw this on one of those facebook quizzes. This is the entry for Bella for “which character are you”.

    “You are selfless, intelligent, and slightly shy. You are pretty much the clumsiest person ever but everyone loves you for your loyalty and bravery in dangerous situations.”

    Seriously?

  • http://youtube.com/PawlEdmonds Velocirapscallion

    Wow, just saw this on one of those facebook quizzes. This is the entry for Bella for “which character are you”.

    “You are selfless, intelligent, and slightly shy. You are pretty much the clumsiest person ever but everyone loves you for your loyalty and bravery in dangerous situations.”

    Seriously?

  • http://youtube.com/PawlEdmonds Velocirapscallion

    Wow, just saw this on one of those facebook quizzes. This is the entry for Bella for “which character are you”.

    “You are selfless, intelligent, and slightly shy. You are pretty much the clumsiest person ever but everyone loves you for your loyalty and bravery in dangerous situations.”

    Seriously?

  • Lindsay

    Spoony, could you please marry me? _>
    Awesome work Spoony!

  • Lindsay

    Spoony, could you please marry me? _>
    Awesome work Spoony!

  • Lindsay

    Spoony, could you please marry me? _>
    Awesome work Spoony!

  • Tai MT

    Spoony, you could’ve saved yourself all that time and money and just went onto YouTube. Look up a series called “You Are Bella” and the woman there summarizes and obliterates the entire series quite nicely and quite well. She saved me a bunch of a money and a bunch of time in having to research the subject matter in order to bash the idiots who like it.

  • Tai MT

    Spoony, you could’ve saved yourself all that time and money and just went onto YouTube. Look up a series called “You Are Bella” and the woman there summarizes and obliterates the entire series quite nicely and quite well. She saved me a bunch of a money and a bunch of time in having to research the subject matter in order to bash the idiots who like it.

  • Tai MT

    Spoony, you could’ve saved yourself all that time and money and just went onto YouTube. Look up a series called “You Are Bella” and the woman there summarizes and obliterates the entire series quite nicely and quite well. She saved me a bunch of a money and a bunch of time in having to research the subject matter in order to bash the idiots who like it.

  • Rey

    The way you describe that Volturi it’s like they are all a bunch of hedonismbots “I regret nothing!” hahaha

  • Rey

    The way you describe that Volturi it’s like they are all a bunch of hedonismbots “I regret nothing!” hahaha

  • Rey

    The way you describe that Volturi it’s like they are all a bunch of hedonismbots “I regret nothing!” hahaha

  • Rey

    *sorry i meant “I apologize for nothing”, and another that sounds like something he would say “Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.”

  • Rey

    *sorry i meant “I apologize for nothing”, and another that sounds like something he would say “Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.”

  • Rey

    *sorry i meant “I apologize for nothing”, and another that sounds like something he would say “Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.”

  • Mary

    Jessica beat me to what I was going to say. She also beat me to being the exact same age as me.
    Uh, you know what I mean.

    Now, I can understand why girls like Edward. He makes it all about Bella (the perfect dream for an egocentric teenage girl) and doesn’t pressure her sexually. Now, the last quality is something that I wish more guys MY age had.

    However, I agree with what both you and Jessica said: Twilight basically provides a female role model for girls that is not only selfish, immature, and manipulative, but also shallow and emotionally dependent. She draws so much of her identity from being “Edward’s girl” after she meets the guy that it’s ridiculous.

    Anyway, your review was really really long, but I enjoyed it. Much better than actually watching the movie. I actually emailed it to my mother, because Dear Mom rented the first movie and insisted I watch it with her.
    …Hell on earth, dude. HELL. ON. EARTH. She thought it was sweet and touching. I just kept laughing hysterically.

  • Mary

    Jessica beat me to what I was going to say. She also beat me to being the exact same age as me.
    Uh, you know what I mean.

    Now, I can understand why girls like Edward. He makes it all about Bella (the perfect dream for an egocentric teenage girl) and doesn’t pressure her sexually. Now, the last quality is something that I wish more guys MY age had.

    However, I agree with what both you and Jessica said: Twilight basically provides a female role model for girls that is not only selfish, immature, and manipulative, but also shallow and emotionally dependent. She draws so much of her identity from being “Edward’s girl” after she meets the guy that it’s ridiculous.

    Anyway, your review was really really long, but I enjoyed it. Much better than actually watching the movie. I actually emailed it to my mother, because Dear Mom rented the first movie and insisted I watch it with her.
    …Hell on earth, dude. HELL. ON. EARTH. She thought it was sweet and touching. I just kept laughing hysterically.

  • Mary

    Jessica beat me to what I was going to say. She also beat me to being the exact same age as me.
    Uh, you know what I mean.

    Now, I can understand why girls like Edward. He makes it all about Bella (the perfect dream for an egocentric teenage girl) and doesn’t pressure her sexually. Now, the last quality is something that I wish more guys MY age had.

    However, I agree with what both you and Jessica said: Twilight basically provides a female role model for girls that is not only selfish, immature, and manipulative, but also shallow and emotionally dependent. She draws so much of her identity from being “Edward’s girl” after she meets the guy that it’s ridiculous.

    Anyway, your review was really really long, but I enjoyed it. Much better than actually watching the movie. I actually emailed it to my mother, because Dear Mom rented the first movie and insisted I watch it with her.
    …Hell on earth, dude. HELL. ON. EARTH. She thought it was sweet and touching. I just kept laughing hysterically.

  • Memph

    Dude, you keep cracking me up.
    cant wait for the Rifftrax version…
    that is the only way for me to see these kind of movies. First time i heard about this movie was on mtv. then i saw you LOSE it because they won some kind of bullshit MTV awards. this got me interested. Why would spoony foam at the mouth about a particular movie? After seeing your rant i knew i wasnt ever going to watch this. saw it on rifftrax, hired the damn thing. and loled all the way thru the movie. not only about the commentary track, but about the serious tone of the movie. i guess every teenager thinks they are the center of the universe, when theyre 16. ant then when you hit 20, life bitchslaps you in the face. i think Bella wouldnt even make it to 20. her tiny brain could not comprehend that she in fact is not the center of the universe. and her little head would pop off. but anyway. Here in europe, the movie didnt hava such a big impact like it did in the US. guess none of the girls over here couldnt relate to the charachter of Bella. (i guess, or the girls know how to find beefcake on the net, for free)
    anyways keep up the good work.
    and i hope you win the award for funniest person.

  • Memph

    Dude, you keep cracking me up.
    cant wait for the Rifftrax version…
    that is the only way for me to see these kind of movies. First time i heard about this movie was on mtv. then i saw you LOSE it because they won some kind of bullshit MTV awards. this got me interested. Why would spoony foam at the mouth about a particular movie? After seeing your rant i knew i wasnt ever going to watch this. saw it on rifftrax, hired the damn thing. and loled all the way thru the movie. not only about the commentary track, but about the serious tone of the movie. i guess every teenager thinks they are the center of the universe, when theyre 16. ant then when you hit 20, life bitchslaps you in the face. i think Bella wouldnt even make it to 20. her tiny brain could not comprehend that she in fact is not the center of the universe. and her little head would pop off. but anyway. Here in europe, the movie didnt hava such a big impact like it did in the US. guess none of the girls over here couldnt relate to the charachter of Bella. (i guess, or the girls know how to find beefcake on the net, for free)
    anyways keep up the good work.
    and i hope you win the award for funniest person.

  • Memph

    Dude, you keep cracking me up.
    cant wait for the Rifftrax version…
    that is the only way for me to see these kind of movies. First time i heard about this movie was on mtv. then i saw you LOSE it because they won some kind of bullshit MTV awards. this got me interested. Why would spoony foam at the mouth about a particular movie? After seeing your rant i knew i wasnt ever going to watch this. saw it on rifftrax, hired the damn thing. and loled all the way thru the movie. not only about the commentary track, but about the serious tone of the movie. i guess every teenager thinks they are the center of the universe, when theyre 16. ant then when you hit 20, life bitchslaps you in the face. i think Bella wouldnt even make it to 20. her tiny brain could not comprehend that she in fact is not the center of the universe. and her little head would pop off. but anyway. Here in europe, the movie didnt hava such a big impact like it did in the US. guess none of the girls over here couldnt relate to the charachter of Bella. (i guess, or the girls know how to find beefcake on the net, for free)
    anyways keep up the good work.
    and i hope you win the award for funniest person.

  • http://bob.bob.bob/ bob

    To the above poster:

    Why is it that all girls complain that they never get a guy who is considerate and doesn’t pressure them sexually?

    I know for a fact that i was that guy. Yet i was always passed up by girls that i got close to in favour of some idiot that would do all of those things that they would later complain about. There’s nothing about me that would put someone off (decently attractive, good physical shape, good hygeine, etc.), yet there you have it. Because i was nice, i was not exciting enough, dangerous enough.

    Girls like to pretend that they want a nice, honest guy – i think it is rarely a true statement when a girl says that.

  • http://bob.bob.bob/ bob

    To the above poster:

    Why is it that all girls complain that they never get a guy who is considerate and doesn’t pressure them sexually?

    I know for a fact that i was that guy. Yet i was always passed up by girls that i got close to in favour of some idiot that would do all of those things that they would later complain about. There’s nothing about me that would put someone off (decently attractive, good physical shape, good hygeine, etc.), yet there you have it. Because i was nice, i was not exciting enough, dangerous enough.

    Girls like to pretend that they want a nice, honest guy – i think it is rarely a true statement when a girl says that.

  • http://bob.bob.bob bob

    To the above poster:

    Why is it that all girls complain that they never get a guy who is considerate and doesn’t pressure them sexually?

    I know for a fact that i was that guy. Yet i was always passed up by girls that i got close to in favour of some idiot that would do all of those things that they would later complain about. There’s nothing about me that would put someone off (decently attractive, good physical shape, good hygeine, etc.), yet there you have it. Because i was nice, i was not exciting enough, dangerous enough.

    Girls like to pretend that they want a nice, honest guy – i think it is rarely a true statement when a girl says that.

  • tom

    and some with a horse in them in reference to finding titties on the internet made me laugh my ass off. good one

  • tom

    and some with a horse in them in reference to finding titties on the internet made me laugh my ass off. good one

  • tom

    and some with a horse in them in reference to finding titties on the internet made me laugh my ass off. good one

  • Ken

    I checked my RSS feed and I seen this and my 1st reaction was “OH MAN, GET READY TO LAUGH!” lol!

    Awesome rant on the movie it had me laughing so hard at your reactions. I’m sorry you had to sit through 2 hours of that crap. I cant believe it hit the 2 hour mark! They already have the 3rd one filmed and its coming out in June. Wtf? They are just spitting these out too quickly. Well, the sooner they make them all the sooner they can fade away.

    The issue that bothers me is all these young girls enjoying these movies and books. These movies and characters do not promote women independence. They promote the total opposite of what empowers a woman. They also promote that if you are abused that means “love”; psychically and mentally. This isn’t what I want the youth of the nation to be falling for, you know how crazy people can get with their fandom. They try to relate to the characters and story and in most cases I’m okay, but this case it just brings down women and the term love in all aspects that are demoralizing. These movies and books teach that empty, abusive, sexual filled relationships is the way to go. Short and sweet, its really pathetic that people fall for this garbage and I feel more sorry for them than I patronize them.

  • Ken

    I checked my RSS feed and I seen this and my 1st reaction was “OH MAN, GET READY TO LAUGH!” lol!

    Awesome rant on the movie it had me laughing so hard at your reactions. I’m sorry you had to sit through 2 hours of that crap. I cant believe it hit the 2 hour mark! They already have the 3rd one filmed and its coming out in June. Wtf? They are just spitting these out too quickly. Well, the sooner they make them all the sooner they can fade away.

    The issue that bothers me is all these young girls enjoying these movies and books. These movies and characters do not promote women independence. They promote the total opposite of what empowers a woman. They also promote that if you are abused that means “love”; psychically and mentally. This isn’t what I want the youth of the nation to be falling for, you know how crazy people can get with their fandom. They try to relate to the characters and story and in most cases I’m okay, but this case it just brings down women and the term love in all aspects that are demoralizing. These movies and books teach that empty, abusive, sexual filled relationships is the way to go. Short and sweet, its really pathetic that people fall for this garbage and I feel more sorry for them than I patronize them.

  • Ken

    I checked my RSS feed and I seen this and my 1st reaction was “OH MAN, GET READY TO LAUGH!” lol!

    Awesome rant on the movie it had me laughing so hard at your reactions. I’m sorry you had to sit through 2 hours of that crap. I cant believe it hit the 2 hour mark! They already have the 3rd one filmed and its coming out in June. Wtf? They are just spitting these out too quickly. Well, the sooner they make them all the sooner they can fade away.

    The issue that bothers me is all these young girls enjoying these movies and books. These movies and characters do not promote women independence. They promote the total opposite of what empowers a woman. They also promote that if you are abused that means “love”; psychically and mentally. This isn’t what I want the youth of the nation to be falling for, you know how crazy people can get with their fandom. They try to relate to the characters and story and in most cases I’m okay, but this case it just brings down women and the term love in all aspects that are demoralizing. These movies and books teach that empty, abusive, sexual filled relationships is the way to go. Short and sweet, its really pathetic that people fall for this garbage and I feel more sorry for them than I patronize them.

  • Threeler

    My one complaint, oh Spoony One, is that you didn’t point out what a glittering fucktard Edward was in Italy for potentially endangering his entire family. I mean, sure his plan to get himself killed was retarded, but had it worked, and people learned vampires were real, wouldn’t that result in a massive vamp hunt, resulting in the deaths of the only people he loves? IMO both Bella and Edward are vapid, selfish cuntholes of children.

  • Threeler

    My one complaint, oh Spoony One, is that you didn’t point out what a glittering fucktard Edward was in Italy for potentially endangering his entire family. I mean, sure his plan to get himself killed was retarded, but had it worked, and people learned vampires were real, wouldn’t that result in a massive vamp hunt, resulting in the deaths of the only people he loves? IMO both Bella and Edward are vapid, selfish cuntholes of children.

  • Threeler

    My one complaint, oh Spoony One, is that you didn’t point out what a glittering fucktard Edward was in Italy for potentially endangering his entire family. I mean, sure his plan to get himself killed was retarded, but had it worked, and people learned vampires were real, wouldn’t that result in a massive vamp hunt, resulting in the deaths of the only people he loves? IMO both Bella and Edward are vapid, selfish cuntholes of children.

  • Winterheart

    Actually my like for Muse halted for a moment when I found it their music had been stuffed in Twilight… Just… wow. That was just awful awful news. So now I’m imaging standing neck to neck with 12 year old glitter vampire fans if I ever go and see Muse live.

    Anyways, what crappens me about that crappy series, is how awfuly bad writer this Mayer/Meyer/whatever is, her writing is so so bad, her storytelling is bad, she’s just absolutely not a writer PERSON. She shouldn’t even touch pen nor keyboard, her hands should be tied behind her and she’d be send to march to russia or something… Okay, not that but take the keyboard away from her. And NEVERMORE publish anything she farts out. How many thousand scripts publishers get per year, how many percent of those scripts are never even red and are just tossed into paper shredder. Meanwhile, a garbage like that gets released.. I’m just stunned.

  • Winterheart

    Actually my like for Muse halted for a moment when I found it their music had been stuffed in Twilight… Just… wow. That was just awful awful news. So now I’m imaging standing neck to neck with 12 year old glitter vampire fans if I ever go and see Muse live.

    Anyways, what crappens me about that crappy series, is how awfuly bad writer this Mayer/Meyer/whatever is, her writing is so so bad, her storytelling is bad, she’s just absolutely not a writer PERSON. She shouldn’t even touch pen nor keyboard, her hands should be tied behind her and she’d be send to march to russia or something… Okay, not that but take the keyboard away from her. And NEVERMORE publish anything she farts out. How many thousand scripts publishers get per year, how many percent of those scripts are never even red and are just tossed into paper shredder. Meanwhile, a garbage like that gets released.. I’m just stunned.

  • Winterheart

    Actually my like for Muse halted for a moment when I found it their music had been stuffed in Twilight… Just… wow. That was just awful awful news. So now I’m imaging standing neck to neck with 12 year old glitter vampire fans if I ever go and see Muse live.

    Anyways, what crappens me about that crappy series, is how awfuly bad writer this Mayer/Meyer/whatever is, her writing is so so bad, her storytelling is bad, she’s just absolutely not a writer PERSON. She shouldn’t even touch pen nor keyboard, her hands should be tied behind her and she’d be send to march to russia or something… Okay, not that but take the keyboard away from her. And NEVERMORE publish anything she farts out. How many thousand scripts publishers get per year, how many percent of those scripts are never even red and are just tossed into paper shredder. Meanwhile, a garbage like that gets released.. I’m just stunned.

  • ajh

    hahaha!brilliant work!
    that text bit at the end had me on the floor!
    great,great review!

  • ajh

    hahaha!brilliant work!
    that text bit at the end had me on the floor!
    great,great review!

  • ajh

    hahaha!brilliant work!
    that text bit at the end had me on the floor!
    great,great review!

  • Swing on teh Spiral

    In a sea of 400 comments, mine means nothing. although i have to admit that i love the first 2 underworld movies. you’re 2 second explanation is pretty off-target spoony. of course they arent stanley kubrick good, but it did an intelligent version of a vampire vs werewolf movie before this mind numbingly aesthetic vampire craze started. I would agree that the supporting characters in the first underworld showcase some of the worst acting ever but bill nigh is so kickass that he makes every portrayal of dracula/nosferatu look simple and unentertaining. …*sigh* fuck it, ill be glad to love those movies while everyone else forgets they exist.

    That being said, this is one of your most thought out reviews yet and thanks for taking time out of your day to watch bad movies and talk about them for 40 minutes all for our sake. sincere thanks to teh spoony one.

  • Swing on teh Spiral

    In a sea of 400 comments, mine means nothing. although i have to admit that i love the first 2 underworld movies. you’re 2 second explanation is pretty off-target spoony. of course they arent stanley kubrick good, but it did an intelligent version of a vampire vs werewolf movie before this mind numbingly aesthetic vampire craze started. I would agree that the supporting characters in the first underworld showcase some of the worst acting ever but bill nigh is so kickass that he makes every portrayal of dracula/nosferatu look simple and unentertaining. …*sigh* fuck it, ill be glad to love those movies while everyone else forgets they exist.

    That being said, this is one of your most thought out reviews yet and thanks for taking time out of your day to watch bad movies and talk about them for 40 minutes all for our sake. sincere thanks to teh spoony one.

  • Swing on teh Spiral

    In a sea of 400 comments, mine means nothing. although i have to admit that i love the first 2 underworld movies. you’re 2 second explanation is pretty off-target spoony. of course they arent stanley kubrick good, but it did an intelligent version of a vampire vs werewolf movie before this mind numbingly aesthetic vampire craze started. I would agree that the supporting characters in the first underworld showcase some of the worst acting ever but bill nigh is so kickass that he makes every portrayal of dracula/nosferatu look simple and unentertaining. …*sigh* fuck it, ill be glad to love those movies while everyone else forgets they exist.

    That being said, this is one of your most thought out reviews yet and thanks for taking time out of your day to watch bad movies and talk about them for 40 minutes all for our sake. sincere thanks to teh spoony one.

  • http://forums.wolverinefiles.com/site/ Gorvar

    I have the urge to cite a famous person on TGWTG.

    ‘Your a dirty little kitty aren’t you, a dirty,dity little kitty….’

  • http://forums.wolverinefiles.com/site/ Gorvar

    I have the urge to cite a famous person on TGWTG.

    ‘Your a dirty little kitty aren’t you, a dirty,dity little kitty….’

  • Baku

    ROFL! XD
    Spoony! This has got to be one of the most hilarious and best vlogs of yours I have ever seen in my life!
    I’ve lost the count of how many times I’ve laughed my ass of from your awesome hilarious comments and plus the fact of how bad this movie really is!

    Well it is really no surprice that Twilight saga sucks (that my oppinion though).
    But yeah, keep up the great work. ;D

  • Baku

    ROFL! XD
    Spoony! This has got to be one of the most hilarious and best vlogs of yours I have ever seen in my life!
    I’ve lost the count of how many times I’ve laughed my ass of from your awesome hilarious comments and plus the fact of how bad this movie really is!

    Well it is really no surprice that Twilight saga sucks (that my oppinion though).
    But yeah, keep up the great work. ;D

  • http://forums.wolverinefiles.com/site/ Gorvar

    I have the urge to cite a famous person on TGWTG.

    ‘Your a dirty little kitty aren’t you, a dirty,dity little kitty….’

  • Baku

    ROFL! XD
    Spoony! This has got to be one of the most hilarious and best vlogs of yours I have ever seen in my life!
    I’ve lost the count of how many times I’ve laughed my ass of from your awesome hilarious comments and plus the fact of how bad this movie really is!

    Well it is really no surprice that Twilight saga sucks (that my oppinion though).
    But yeah, keep up the great work. ;D

  • Kierst

    oh my god this is fuckin great! lol!

  • Kierst

    oh my god this is fuckin great! lol!

  • http://cassave.deviantart.com/ Cassave

    Of course he’s constipated. Vampires don’t poop! I’ve known that ever since I’ve seen Walken in “The Addiction”. It takes vampires years to learn how to poop again.

  • http://cassave.deviantart.com/ Cassave

    Of course he’s constipated. Vampires don’t poop! I’ve known that ever since I’ve seen Walken in “The Addiction”. It takes vampires years to learn how to poop again.

  • wasneeplus

    Awesome review. I’m kind of compelled now to go and see the movie myself, but I’m afraid it’s gonna be painful to sit trough. Bad movies hurt indeed. Also, you might be okay with sitting in a theater full of drooling girls, but I’m not that stupid resistant I’m afraid.

    By the way, don’t all 18 year olds have passports in the US? Over here they do…..

  • wasneeplus

    Awesome review. I’m kind of compelled now to go and see the movie myself, but I’m afraid it’s gonna be painful to sit trough. Bad movies hurt indeed. Also, you might be okay with sitting in a theater full of drooling girls, but I’m not that stupid resistant I’m afraid.

    By the way, don’t all 18 year olds have passports in the US? Over here they do…..

  • Kierst

    oh my god this is fuckin great! lol!

  • http://cassave.deviantart.com/ Cassave

    Of course he’s constipated. Vampires don’t poop! I’ve known that ever since I’ve seen Walken in “The Addiction”. It takes vampires years to learn how to poop again.

  • wasneeplus

    Awesome review. I’m kind of compelled now to go and see the movie myself, but I’m afraid it’s gonna be painful to sit trough. Bad movies hurt indeed. Also, you might be okay with sitting in a theater full of drooling girls, but I’m not that stupid resistant I’m afraid.

    By the way, don’t all 18 year olds have passports in the US? Over here they do…..

  • Damurus

    Awsome review haha

  • Damurus

    Awsome review haha

  • Damurus

    Awsome review haha

  • Bastian

    what is worst? new moon or Transformers 2?

  • Bastian

    what is worst? new moon or Transformers 2?

  • Bastian

    what is worst? new moon or Transformers 2?

  • Kamen Rider Gumo

    Bastian: New Moon is DEFINITELY worse. At least Bayformers 2 didn’t make us look at gay dudes prancing around for two and a half hours. (And I only saw New Moon because I won a free ticket via a radio contest where I was *TRYING* to win a Suzuki motorcycle. Figured it COULDN’T be as bad as everyone said. Boy was *I* ever wrong.)

  • Kamen Rider Gumo

    Bastian: New Moon is DEFINITELY worse. At least Bayformers 2 didn’t make us look at gay dudes prancing around for two and a half hours. (And I only saw New Moon because I won a free ticket via a radio contest where I was *TRYING* to win a Suzuki motorcycle. Figured it COULDN’T be as bad as everyone said. Boy was *I* ever wrong.)

  • Kamen Rider Gumo

    Bastian: New Moon is DEFINITELY worse. At least Bayformers 2 didn’t make us look at gay dudes prancing around for two and a half hours. (And I only saw New Moon because I won a free ticket via a radio contest where I was *TRYING* to win a Suzuki motorcycle. Figured it COULDN’T be as bad as everyone said. Boy was *I* ever wrong.)

  • Specter Von Baren

    *GASP* He’s not drinking Pepsi!

  • Specter Von Baren

    *GASP* He’s not drinking Pepsi!

  • Specter Von Baren

    *GASP* He’s not drinking Pepsi!

  • Danowar

    I actually feel pretty sorry for the actor who plays Edward. He absolutely detests the series and the fangirls are probably going to be the end of him. Also, he has incredibly fine taste in anime. How odd.

  • Danowar

    I actually feel pretty sorry for the actor who plays Edward. He absolutely detests the series and the fangirls are probably going to be the end of him. Also, he has incredibly fine taste in anime. How odd.

  • Danowar

    I actually feel pretty sorry for the actor who plays Edward. He absolutely detests the series and the fangirls are probably going to be the end of him. Also, he has incredibly fine taste in anime. How odd.

  • Lewis

    Worst.Movie.EVAR!
    *Shoots Himself*

  • Lewis

    Worst.Movie.EVAR!
    *Shoots Himself*

  • Lewis

    Worst.Movie.EVAR!
    *Shoots Himself*

  • Lewis

    People complained about watchmen not staying true to the book, however with new moon it stayed TO TRUE to the book! seriosly this was proboly longer than akira, longer than transformers 2! now thats saying something!
    At least with the harry potter films the cut some of the stuff out of the book!

  • Lewis

    People complained about watchmen not staying true to the book, however with new moon it stayed TO TRUE to the book! seriosly this was proboly longer than akira, longer than transformers 2! now thats saying something!
    At least with the harry potter films the cut some of the stuff out of the book!

  • Lewis

    People complained about watchmen not staying true to the book, however with new moon it stayed TO TRUE to the book! seriosly this was proboly longer than akira, longer than transformers 2! now thats saying something!
    At least with the harry potter films the cut some of the stuff out of the book!

  • Amy&Brent

    ok, lets see… considering you made a 47 minute rant about a movie… and like 95% of it you made up…. you can go to hell now. Edward didn’t go nude, he took of his shirt…. the only muffin scene was with sam’s girlfriend… 1 scene.. Edward didn’t say ANYTHING about her hair… *when she was imagining him*

    Carlisle doesn’t have a power… every vampire doesn’t have a power… only a couple does. Your some homophobic asshole that couldnt sit turning a movie because you had to fix your fucking boner ever couple of seconds.

    You would get the movie better if you read a book…you know… those things with WORDS!

    anyways ,, i have better things to be doing then hearing your fucking voice…. ttyl… :)
    -amy

  • Amy&Brent

    ok, lets see… considering you made a 47 minute rant about a movie… and like 95% of it you made up…. you can go to hell now. Edward didn’t go nude, he took of his shirt…. the only muffin scene was with sam’s girlfriend… 1 scene.. Edward didn’t say ANYTHING about her hair… *when she was imagining him*

    Carlisle doesn’t have a power… every vampire doesn’t have a power… only a couple does. Your some homophobic asshole that couldnt sit turning a movie because you had to fix your fucking boner ever couple of seconds.

    You would get the movie better if you read a book…you know… those things with WORDS!

    anyways ,, i have better things to be doing then hearing your fucking voice…. ttyl… :)
    -amy

  • Amy&Brent

    ok, lets see… considering you made a 47 minute rant about a movie… and like 95% of it you made up…. you can go to hell now. Edward didn’t go nude, he took of his shirt…. the only muffin scene was with sam’s girlfriend… 1 scene.. Edward didn’t say ANYTHING about her hair… *when she was imagining him*

    Carlisle doesn’t have a power… every vampire doesn’t have a power… only a couple does. Your some homophobic asshole that couldnt sit turning a movie because you had to fix your fucking boner ever couple of seconds.

    You would get the movie better if you read a book…you know… those things with WORDS!

    anyways ,, i have better things to be doing then hearing your fucking voice…. ttyl… :)
    -amy

  • futureruler123

    just wandering would you rather watch this movie again or see boondocks saints 2

  • futureruler123

    just wandering would you rather watch this movie again or see boondocks saints 2

  • futureruler123

    just wandering would you rather watch this movie again or see boondocks saints 2

  • MEITTI

    I’d just LOVE to see the 4th book adapted as a movie. It has that werewolf guy having affair with the child of Bella and Edward. An affair with a little kid whos “telepathically adult.”

    Anyone who liked that book, or thinks Cullen is a great writer, if you’re going to go see the 4th film, you just managed to prove the world that youre a creep who should be locked into an asulym.

    Not mentioning that weird crush on Edward. Seriously, chicks get off from a dreamy guy stalking you and staring you at nights from your bedroom window? I have to start stalking people!

  • MEITTI

    I’d just LOVE to see the 4th book adapted as a movie. It has that werewolf guy having affair with the child of Bella and Edward. An affair with a little kid whos “telepathically adult.”

    Anyone who liked that book, or thinks Cullen is a great writer, if you’re going to go see the 4th film, you just managed to prove the world that youre a creep who should be locked into an asulym.

    Not mentioning that weird crush on Edward. Seriously, chicks get off from a dreamy guy stalking you and staring you at nights from your bedroom window? I have to start stalking people!

  • MEITTI

    I’d just LOVE to see the 4th book adapted as a movie. It has that werewolf guy having affair with the child of Bella and Edward. An affair with a little kid whos “telepathically adult.”

    Anyone who liked that book, or thinks Cullen is a great writer, if you’re going to go see the 4th film, you just managed to prove the world that youre a creep who should be locked into an asulym.

    Not mentioning that weird crush on Edward. Seriously, chicks get off from a dreamy guy stalking you and staring you at nights from your bedroom window? I have to start stalking people!

  • Valerie

    Kick ass review. When you lifted your shirt, nice! Marry me Noah ;)

  • Valerie

    Kick ass review. When you lifted your shirt, nice! Marry me Noah ;)

  • Valerie

    Kick ass review. When you lifted your shirt, nice! Marry me Noah ;)

  • RobDuud

    Vampires and werewolves were cooler before! Then they seemed to have a weak side and a goal to eat. But now they are just as pompous glam idiots and overgrown dogs who apparently looks to be stuffed by steroids!
    Now I sit here and can not but ask myself, how was it of the charm of these creatures??!!

    By the way, this review describes very well how I feel about this movie but I was so in shame that I could not express myself after having spent money on this. So thank you!! Cool review dude!

  • RobDuud

    Vampires and werewolves were cooler before! Then they seemed to have a weak side and a goal to eat. But now they are just as pompous glam idiots and overgrown dogs who apparently looks to be stuffed by steroids!
    Now I sit here and can not but ask myself, how was it of the charm of these creatures??!!

    By the way, this review describes very well how I feel about this movie but I was so in shame that I could not express myself after having spent money on this. So thank you!! Cool review dude!

  • RobDuud

    Vampires and werewolves were cooler before! Then they seemed to have a weak side and a goal to eat. But now they are just as pompous glam idiots and overgrown dogs who apparently looks to be stuffed by steroids!
    Now I sit here and can not but ask myself, how was it of the charm of these creatures??!!

    By the way, this review describes very well how I feel about this movie but I was so in shame that I could not express myself after having spent money on this. So thank you!! Cool review dude!

  • JeanJacket

    Well, you’ve convinced me. I’m going to drag several friends to go see this with me. I’m sure we’ll get murdered and/or kicked out of the theater for laughing so much. :D

  • JeanJacket

    Well, you’ve convinced me. I’m going to drag several friends to go see this with me. I’m sure we’ll get murdered and/or kicked out of the theater for laughing so much. :D

  • JeanJacket

    Well, you’ve convinced me. I’m going to drag several friends to go see this with me. I’m sure we’ll get murdered and/or kicked out of the theater for laughing so much. :D

  • Noneliver

    Actually I rather liked the Underworld series. It was a great Vampire flick, good acting, plot, and KB was hardly even in the third one so it cant be that it was only made for the bondage =P

  • Noneliver

    Actually I rather liked the Underworld series. It was a great Vampire flick, good acting, plot, and KB was hardly even in the third one so it cant be that it was only made for the bondage =P

  • Noneliver

    Actually I rather liked the Underworld series. It was a great Vampire flick, good acting, plot, and KB was hardly even in the third one so it cant be that it was only made for the bondage =P

  • Steve

    your drawer is open.

    by the way, good review!

  • Steve

    your drawer is open.

    by the way, good review!

  • Steve

    your drawer is open.

    by the way, good review!

  • movie buff 344

    i have to save you bella, fuck out the way. had me rolling

  • movie buff 344

    i have to save you bella, fuck out the way. had me rolling

  • movie buff 344

    i have to save you bella, fuck out the way. had me rolling

  • Bikki

    You speak a lot of truth. I agree with you on many points. But I have to admit, I enjoyed seeing the half naked Native Americans. <3 I only like Charlie out of all the characters.

  • Bikki

    You speak a lot of truth. I agree with you on many points. But I have to admit, I enjoyed seeing the half naked Native Americans. <3 I only like Charlie out of all the characters.

  • Bikki

    You speak a lot of truth. I agree with you on many points. But I have to admit, I enjoyed seeing the half naked Native Americans. <3 I only like Charlie out of all the characters.

  • PowerBar

    OK I’m starting this comment by saying i haven’t seen nether Twilight nor new moon. for 1 reason only: every thing i see about those movies, its just sucks, plain suck.
    like Why the hell do vampires glow in the sun?? and why do werewolves just look like big wolfs? were the man part?
    and the story, omg, its just so horrible, there are so many good vampire stories, but good lord this one inst one of those!
    spoony you are hilarious, the “kick the door and say i made muffins” part just made me crack.
    but man you went on and on! you are on fire dude xD
    but all in all very accurate and funny stuff.
    you rule.

  • PowerBar

    OK I’m starting this comment by saying i haven’t seen nether Twilight nor new moon. for 1 reason only: every thing i see about those movies, its just sucks, plain suck.
    like Why the hell do vampires glow in the sun?? and why do werewolves just look like big wolfs? were the man part?
    and the story, omg, its just so horrible, there are so many good vampire stories, but good lord this one inst one of those!
    spoony you are hilarious, the “kick the door and say i made muffins” part just made me crack.
    but man you went on and on! you are on fire dude xD
    but all in all very accurate and funny stuff.
    you rule.

  • PowerBar

    OK I’m starting this comment by saying i haven’t seen nether Twilight nor new moon. for 1 reason only: every thing i see about those movies, its just sucks, plain suck.
    like Why the hell do vampires glow in the sun?? and why do werewolves just look like big wolfs? were the man part?
    and the story, omg, its just so horrible, there are so many good vampire stories, but good lord this one inst one of those!
    spoony you are hilarious, the “kick the door and say i made muffins” part just made me crack.
    but man you went on and on! you are on fire dude xD
    but all in all very accurate and funny stuff.
    you rule.

  • Doctor Thrax

    It’s hard to believe that these books were written by a woman, but it becomes exponentially easier when you realize that that woman is a Mormon. I think you described this series perfectly when you mentioned harlequin romance novels considering that all the same demographics that those novels cater to seem to like this book as well (with the added demographic of prepubescent girls). The thing is, I’d still rather read any shitty thing exclusively sold in airport bookstores than anything Twilight-related

    I’d suggest that you take part in a collaborative review of this turd like you did with Alone in the Dark but I would hate to advocate anyone seeing this movie, let alone seeing it twice.

  • Doctor Thrax

    It’s hard to believe that these books were written by a woman, but it becomes exponentially easier when you realize that that woman is a Mormon. I think you described this series perfectly when you mentioned harlequin romance novels considering that all the same demographics that those novels cater to seem to like this book as well (with the added demographic of prepubescent girls). The thing is, I’d still rather read any shitty thing exclusively sold in airport bookstores than anything Twilight-related

    I’d suggest that you take part in a collaborative review of this turd like you did with Alone in the Dark but I would hate to advocate anyone seeing this movie, let alone seeing it twice.

  • Doctor Thrax

    It’s hard to believe that these books were written by a woman, but it becomes exponentially easier when you realize that that woman is a Mormon. I think you described this series perfectly when you mentioned harlequin romance novels considering that all the same demographics that those novels cater to seem to like this book as well (with the added demographic of prepubescent girls). The thing is, I’d still rather read any shitty thing exclusively sold in airport bookstores than anything Twilight-related

    I’d suggest that you take part in a collaborative review of this turd like you did with Alone in the Dark but I would hate to advocate anyone seeing this movie, let alone seeing it twice.

  • Alex

    Thank you, Spoony. You are a true American hero.

    Final Fantasy VIII > New Moon?

  • Alex

    Thank you, Spoony. You are a true American hero.

    Final Fantasy VIII > New Moon?

  • Alex

    Thank you, Spoony. You are a true American hero.

    Final Fantasy VIII > New Moon?

  • Thoughts

    It was an 8 pack.

  • Thoughts

    It was an 8 pack.

  • Thoughts

    It was an 8 pack.

  • Lauralot

    “Some with horses.” I died laughing.

    Everything you said was so dead on.

  • Lauralot

    “Some with horses.” I died laughing.

    Everything you said was so dead on.

  • Thoughts

    I really would like to add that I was strictly there for the 8 pack. I do not like the story, just the muscles. I won’t pretend. ;)

  • Thoughts

    I really would like to add that I was strictly there for the 8 pack. I do not like the story, just the muscles. I won’t pretend. ;)

  • Lauralot

    “Some with horses.” I died laughing.

    Everything you said was so dead on.

  • Thoughts

    I really would like to add that I was strictly there for the 8 pack. I do not like the story, just the muscles. I won’t pretend. ;)

  • Lemunde

    Rootbeer!!!

  • Lemunde

    Rootbeer!!!

  • Lemunde

    Rootbeer!!!

  • dudeboobs

    Pause at 21:40 for Spoony nipples.

  • dudeboobs

    Pause at 21:40 for Spoony nipples.

  • dudeboobs

    Pause at 21:40 for Spoony nipples.

  • Anonymous

    The most overwhelming thing about this Twilight craze is that NEW MOON holds the opening day record for movies, all-time. I can’t comprehend something like that. The box office gross of a movie should never be used as a barometer for a movie’s quality; however, how can anyone who loves the art of filmmaking be anything but embarassed for the American public, especially since this incompetent dross is making money hand over fist? When viewers respond with their wallet, Hollywood is encouraged to churn out more of this garbage. THAT’s why I hate Twilight so much.

  • Anonymous

    The most overwhelming thing about this Twilight craze is that NEW MOON holds the opening day record for movies, all-time. I can’t comprehend something like that. The box office gross of a movie should never be used as a barometer for a movie’s quality; however, how can anyone who loves the art of filmmaking be anything but embarassed for the American public, especially since this incompetent dross is making money hand over fist? When viewers respond with their wallet, Hollywood is encouraged to churn out more of this garbage. THAT’s why I hate Twilight so much.

  • Michael Rittenberry

    The most overwhelming thing about this Twilight craze is that NEW MOON holds the opening day record for movies, all-time. I can’t comprehend something like that. The box office gross of a movie should never be used as a barometer for a movie’s quality; however, how can anyone who loves the art of filmmaking be anything but embarassed for the American public, especially since this incompetent dross is making money hand over fist? When viewers respond with their wallet, Hollywood is encouraged to churn out more of this garbage. THAT’s why I hate Twilight so much.

  • Djinn8

    I think this movie is the reason for AM’s hate in I have no mouth and I must scream.

  • Djinn8

    I think this movie is the reason for AM’s hate in I have no mouth and I must scream.

  • Djinn8

    I think this movie is the reason for AM’s hate in I have no mouth and I must scream.

  • veegy

    Sorry Spoony, I come to you for comedy, not as a shrink.

    If I can relate, that doesn’t mean anything. <_<.

  • veegy

    Sorry Spoony, I come to you for comedy, not as a shrink.

    If I can relate, that doesn’t mean anything. <_<.

  • veegy

    Sorry Spoony, I come to you for comedy, not as a shrink.

    If I can relate, that doesn’t mean anything. <_<.

  • Rain

    I enjoy Twilight only in the endless opportunities it presents for mockery. Am I the only one who’s disturbed at the fuss everyone’s making over some middle aged woman’s sexual fantasies?

  • Rain

    I enjoy Twilight only in the endless opportunities it presents for mockery. Am I the only one who’s disturbed at the fuss everyone’s making over some middle aged woman’s sexual fantasies?

  • Rain

    I enjoy Twilight only in the endless opportunities it presents for mockery. Am I the only one who’s disturbed at the fuss everyone’s making over some middle aged woman’s sexual fantasies?

  • iewcce

    I wasnt gonna go see this movie, but now it seems hilarious^^ so i will!
    Awesome review! laughed my ass off!

  • iewcce

    I wasnt gonna go see this movie, but now it seems hilarious^^ so i will!
    Awesome review! laughed my ass off!

  • iewcce

    I wasnt gonna go see this movie, but now it seems hilarious^^ so i will!
    Awesome review! laughed my ass off!

  • http://lunayoshi.deviantart.com/ Luna Yoshi

    Dammit, Spoony, why you hafta tease us with 3 almost-shirtless moments, huh? Got all excited there for a few moments. Argh.

    Well, now I have no reason to see it at all, since you summarized it for us. It sounds like it’s as bad as I think it is. $10 saved, woot.

  • http://lunayoshi.deviantart.com/ Luna Yoshi

    Dammit, Spoony, why you hafta tease us with 3 almost-shirtless moments, huh? Got all excited there for a few moments. Argh.

    Well, now I have no reason to see it at all, since you summarized it for us. It sounds like it’s as bad as I think it is. $10 saved, woot.

  • http://lunayoshi.deviantart.com Luna Yoshi

    Dammit, Spoony, why you hafta tease us with 3 almost-shirtless moments, huh? Got all excited there for a few moments. Argh.

    Well, now I have no reason to see it at all, since you summarized it for us. It sounds like it’s as bad as I think it is. $10 saved, woot.

  • avia

    Oh man.

    As a seventeen year old girl myself, these past two weeks have been hell with the LEGIONS of girls my age who were and still are jizzing their pants over this movie. I had to literally bite my tongue to keep myself from mocking the girl that sits in front of me during pre-calc when she turned around and showed me her TWILIGHT DOG TAG NECKLACE (featuring Jacob in all his shirtless glory, of course) in response to a comment I made about New Moon looking terrible. Another girl I know went to see the midnight showing, came to school the next day on three hours of sleep, then ranted to me about how “omg new moon was amazingggg I cried soooo much.” What the hell is wrong with these people? It’s really embarrassing for girls who, yknow, aren’t creeps that think sparkly vampires who stalk their girlfriends are hot.

    My friend and I watched your review together, and you’ve managed to express in one video pretty much everything there is to say about the Twilight saga that we’ve been raging about for around two years now. I was cracking up, you’re definitely not off your game, and THANKSSS!

  • avia

    Oh man.

    As a seventeen year old girl myself, these past two weeks have been hell with the LEGIONS of girls my age who were and still are jizzing their pants over this movie. I had to literally bite my tongue to keep myself from mocking the girl that sits in front of me during pre-calc when she turned around and showed me her TWILIGHT DOG TAG NECKLACE (featuring Jacob in all his shirtless glory, of course) in response to a comment I made about New Moon looking terrible. Another girl I know went to see the midnight showing, came to school the next day on three hours of sleep, then ranted to me about how “omg new moon was amazingggg I cried soooo much.” What the hell is wrong with these people? It’s really embarrassing for girls who, yknow, aren’t creeps that think sparkly vampires who stalk their girlfriends are hot.

    My friend and I watched your review together, and you’ve managed to express in one video pretty much everything there is to say about the Twilight saga that we’ve been raging about for around two years now. I was cracking up, you’re definitely not off your game, and THANKSSS!

  • avia

    Oh man.

    As a seventeen year old girl myself, these past two weeks have been hell with the LEGIONS of girls my age who were and still are jizzing their pants over this movie. I had to literally bite my tongue to keep myself from mocking the girl that sits in front of me during pre-calc when she turned around and showed me her TWILIGHT DOG TAG NECKLACE (featuring Jacob in all his shirtless glory, of course) in response to a comment I made about New Moon looking terrible. Another girl I know went to see the midnight showing, came to school the next day on three hours of sleep, then ranted to me about how “omg new moon was amazingggg I cried soooo much.” What the hell is wrong with these people? It’s really embarrassing for girls who, yknow, aren’t creeps that think sparkly vampires who stalk their girlfriends are hot.

    My friend and I watched your review together, and you’ve managed to express in one video pretty much everything there is to say about the Twilight saga that we’ve been raging about for around two years now. I was cracking up, you’re definitely not off your game, and THANKSSS!

  • Spoonyfan

    You know, I’ve been developing a theory that vampires are really metaphors for serial rapists, and all this Twilight shit does NOTHING to diminish my growing body of evidence. I mean, these are creatures that sneak into the bedrooms of women, attack them, mark them/change them (a good metaphor for both impregnating) and flee. Now we have Edward who ups the creepiness level even further adding stalking and emotional abuse.

    What the fuck makes vampires appealing to women?!?

    Do women really have rape fantasies? Do women really get off fantasizing their own victimhood? I keep trying to not believe that women prefer abusive partners, but it seems like for a good half of the total population of females, it’s just completely, unashamedly true…

    Anne Rice, Poppy Z. Brite, Stephanie Meyer, and the fans of all three and more… what the fuck is wrong with you people?

  • Spoonyfan

    You know, I’ve been developing a theory that vampires are really metaphors for serial rapists, and all this Twilight shit does NOTHING to diminish my growing body of evidence. I mean, these are creatures that sneak into the bedrooms of women, attack them, mark them/change them (a good metaphor for both impregnating) and flee. Now we have Edward who ups the creepiness level even further adding stalking and emotional abuse.

    What the fuck makes vampires appealing to women?!?

    Do women really have rape fantasies? Do women really get off fantasizing their own victimhood? I keep trying to not believe that women prefer abusive partners, but it seems like for a good half of the total population of females, it’s just completely, unashamedly true…

    Anne Rice, Poppy Z. Brite, Stephanie Meyer, and the fans of all three and more… what the fuck is wrong with you people?

  • Spoonyfan

    You know, I’ve been developing a theory that vampires are really metaphors for serial rapists, and all this Twilight shit does NOTHING to diminish my growing body of evidence. I mean, these are creatures that sneak into the bedrooms of women, attack them, mark them/change them (a good metaphor for both impregnating) and flee. Now we have Edward who ups the creepiness level even further adding stalking and emotional abuse.

    What the fuck makes vampires appealing to women?!?

    Do women really have rape fantasies? Do women really get off fantasizing their own victimhood? I keep trying to not believe that women prefer abusive partners, but it seems like for a good half of the total population of females, it’s just completely, unashamedly true…

    Anne Rice, Poppy Z. Brite, Stephanie Meyer, and the fans of all three and more… what the fuck is wrong with you people?

  • Dennis Mahon

    There’s only one proper way to end this movie; Edward turns to Bella, the music soars, they close for the kiss…

    …Wesley Snipes steps out of the shadows, says “The Sparkling ends now, suckerhead!”, and slices Edwards head off with his katana.

    I mean, c’mon–it’s the only ending that redeems the whole movie. Seriously.

  • Dennis Mahon

    There’s only one proper way to end this movie; Edward turns to Bella, the music soars, they close for the kiss…

    …Wesley Snipes steps out of the shadows, says “The Sparkling ends now, suckerhead!”, and slices Edwards head off with his katana.

    I mean, c’mon–it’s the only ending that redeems the whole movie. Seriously.

  • Cette

    The entire soundtrack is morose atonal moaning? Good to see Radiohead getting some work after all these years.

  • Cette

    The entire soundtrack is morose atonal moaning? Good to see Radiohead getting some work after all these years.

  • Dennis Mahon

    There’s only one proper way to end this movie; Edward turns to Bella, the music soars, they close for the kiss…

    …Wesley Snipes steps out of the shadows, says “The Sparkling ends now, suckerhead!”, and slices Edwards head off with his katana.

    I mean, c’mon–it’s the only ending that redeems the whole movie. Seriously.

  • Cette

    The entire soundtrack is morose atonal moaning? Good to see Radiohead getting some work after all these years.

  • Patrick

    Well 349 Amy&Brent just showed us the standard maturity level of your standard Twilight fan.

  • Patrick

    Well 349 Amy&Brent just showed us the standard maturity level of your standard Twilight fan.

  • Patrick

    Well 349 Amy&Brent just showed us the standard maturity level of your standard Twilight fan.

  • Patrick

    Oh and did you notice the screen name is Amy&Brent… as opposed to just Amy. What’s the matter? No identity outside of whatever relationship your in?

  • Patrick

    Oh and did you notice the screen name is Amy&Brent… as opposed to just Amy. What’s the matter? No identity outside of whatever relationship your in?

  • Patrick

    Oh and did you notice the screen name is Amy&Brent… as opposed to just Amy. What’s the matter? No identity outside of whatever relationship your in?

  • Patrick

    Actually I shouldn’t have made a personal attack, but I get do get needlessly needled by the dangerously insane. Not her in particular but delusional fangirls/guys. Twilight fans, Fox News Fanatics, etc.

  • Patrick

    Actually I shouldn’t have made a personal attack, but I get do get needlessly needled by the dangerously insane. Not her in particular but delusional fangirls/guys. Twilight fans, Fox News Fanatics, etc.

  • Patrick

    Actually I shouldn’t have made a personal attack, but I get do get needlessly needled by the dangerously insane. Not her in particular but delusional fangirls/guys. Twilight fans, Fox News Fanatics, etc.

  • Shadowdancer21b

    As for the reason why vampires are so prominent in women’s masturbatory aid literature is that women love the idea of being beautiful and powerful forever.. Immortality. Also, safe fantasy about aggressive lovers.

  • Shadowdancer21b

    As for the reason why vampires are so prominent in women’s masturbatory aid literature is that women love the idea of being beautiful and powerful forever.. Immortality. Also, safe fantasy about aggressive lovers.

  • Shadowdancer21b

    As for the reason why vampires are so prominent in women’s masturbatory aid literature is that women love the idea of being beautiful and powerful forever.. Immortality. Also, safe fantasy about aggressive lovers.

  • Bob Holly

    Stephenie Meyer is a hack. Read the Vampire Diaries.
    Her interview with Oprah was lame. She couldn’t answer any in-depth questions about Edward or Bella. You know, those author-y questions that Oprah always asks, yeah it’s obvious Stephenie Meyer ripped the books off from another author.

  • Bob Holly

    Stephenie Meyer is a hack. Read the Vampire Diaries.
    Her interview with Oprah was lame. She couldn’t answer any in-depth questions about Edward or Bella. You know, those author-y questions that Oprah always asks, yeah it’s obvious Stephenie Meyer ripped the books off from another author.

  • Bob Holly

    Stephenie Meyer is a hack. Read the Vampire Diaries.
    Her interview with Oprah was lame. She couldn’t answer any in-depth questions about Edward or Bella. You know, those author-y questions that Oprah always asks, yeah it’s obvious Stephenie Meyer ripped the books off from another author.

  • http://www.arcticsunburn.com/ Adorable Andrew

    Classic review, Spoony. I haven’t laughed this much in awhile.

  • http://www.arcticsunburn.com/ Adorable Andrew

    Classic review, Spoony. I haven’t laughed this much in awhile.

  • http://www.arcticsunburn.com/ Adorable Andrew

    Classic review, Spoony. I haven’t laughed this much in awhile.

  • ThreadWeaver

    I will never understand why women in fiction insist on going after the lone jerk male. Not that I really care if Bella decides to go with a boyfriend who might kill her any chance he gets. But come on. What the hell happened to common sense? Why don’t any of them have any brains? Why god, why?!

    Oh, and the fact that they tried to compare to Romeo and Juliet pisses me off beyond belief. Bitch doesn’t even come close to the Bard.

  • ThreadWeaver

    I will never understand why women in fiction insist on going after the lone jerk male. Not that I really care if Bella decides to go with a boyfriend who might kill her any chance he gets. But come on. What the hell happened to common sense? Why don’t any of them have any brains? Why god, why?!

    Oh, and the fact that they tried to compare to Romeo and Juliet pisses me off beyond belief. Bitch doesn’t even come close to the Bard.

  • ThreadWeaver

    I will never understand why women in fiction insist on going after the lone jerk male. Not that I really care if Bella decides to go with a boyfriend who might kill her any chance he gets. But come on. What the hell happened to common sense? Why don’t any of them have any brains? Why god, why?!

    Oh, and the fact that they tried to compare to Romeo and Juliet pisses me off beyond belief. Bitch doesn’t even come close to the Bard.

  • merdufer

    Spoony’s epic conflict between saying it’s a bad movie and saying those are good abs near the end.

    Spoony’s epic conflict between saying it’s a bad movie and going out to kill a couple of fan girls teeth-in-the-neck style at the very end.

  • merdufer

    Spoony’s epic conflict between saying it’s a bad movie and saying those are good abs near the end.

    Spoony’s epic conflict between saying it’s a bad movie and going out to kill a couple of fan girls teeth-in-the-neck style at the very end.

  • merdufer

    Spoony’s epic conflict between saying it’s a bad movie and saying those are good abs near the end.

    Spoony’s epic conflict between saying it’s a bad movie and going out to kill a couple of fan girls teeth-in-the-neck style at the very end.

  • Dudey

    Amy&Brent
    Lol o_0
    Name-calling and personally insulting in response to a comedic review. Not very mature. I can’t believe you didn’t see that the “hair” part was a *joke*. I guess you think it’s sacrilege or something to make jokes about Edward…

  • Dudey

    Amy&Brent
    Lol o_0
    Name-calling and personally insulting in response to a comedic review. Not very mature. I can’t believe you didn’t see that the “hair” part was a *joke*. I guess you think it’s sacrilege or something to make jokes about Edward…

  • Dudey

    Amy&Brent
    Lol o_0
    Name-calling and personally insulting in response to a comedic review. Not very mature. I can’t believe you didn’t see that the “hair” part was a *joke*. I guess you think it’s sacrilege or something to make jokes about Edward…

  • jake

    yeah, i saw the rifftrax too, “I’M HARPO!!!” hahahaha

  • jake

    yeah, i saw the rifftrax too, “I’M HARPO!!!” hahahaha

  • jake

    yeah, i saw the rifftrax too, “I’M HARPO!!!” hahahaha

  • LOL

    20:40
    “I’ve never heard women make that sound.”

    And you never will!

  • LOL

    20:40
    “I’ve never heard women make that sound.”

    And you never will!

  • LOL

    20:40
    “I’ve never heard women make that sound.”

    And you never will!

  • Anonymous

    At the part with the bikers, did you almost go “This is great! This is science!”?

  • Anonymous

    At the part with the bikers, did you almost go “This is great! This is science!”?

  • MFlorian

    At the part with the bikers, did you almost go “This is great! This is science!”?

  • Joel Mann

    Thanks bro it was like chillin with yaknow a best friend or like AN INTELLIGANT person which Louisiana lacks completley…I made an employee at Burger King laugh cause I tried to open the door with an Edward C. platic roll on and the door was looked so I flintched at it with a half punch the Employee on the outside laughed and the employee on the other side of the door jumped lol right before my ex-wife broke up with me she bought a Twilight book back in October 2007 I was like WTF I’ve never seen you read a book out of the 7 years I’ve known you…she broke up with me on Halloween so yeah my sister made me watch the first one and I have been ranting about new moon ever since I started seeing the merch its like a high school drama and teenage love drama Im sure the author got his ideas for the stories from average everyday society garbage and just tweeked it to aspects that are appealing to readers vampires…huuhhh in this film they play the distant reletives of the rockafella’s…anyway later man

  • Joel Mann

    Thanks bro it was like chillin with yaknow a best friend or like AN INTELLIGANT person which Louisiana lacks completley…I made an employee at Burger King laugh cause I tried to open the door with an Edward C. platic roll on and the door was looked so I flintched at it with a half punch the Employee on the outside laughed and the employee on the other side of the door jumped lol right before my ex-wife broke up with me she bought a Twilight book back in October 2007 I was like WTF I’ve never seen you read a book out of the 7 years I’ve known you…she broke up with me on Halloween so yeah my sister made me watch the first one and I have been ranting about new moon ever since I started seeing the merch its like a high school drama and teenage love drama Im sure the author got his ideas for the stories from average everyday society garbage and just tweeked it to aspects that are appealing to readers vampires…huuhhh in this film they play the distant reletives of the rockafella’s…anyway later man

  • Joel Mann

    Thanks bro it was like chillin with yaknow a best friend or like AN INTELLIGANT person which Louisiana lacks completley…I made an employee at Burger King laugh cause I tried to open the door with an Edward C. platic roll on and the door was looked so I flintched at it with a half punch the Employee on the outside laughed and the employee on the other side of the door jumped lol right before my ex-wife broke up with me she bought a Twilight book back in October 2007 I was like WTF I’ve never seen you read a book out of the 7 years I’ve known you…she broke up with me on Halloween so yeah my sister made me watch the first one and I have been ranting about new moon ever since I started seeing the merch its like a high school drama and teenage love drama Im sure the author got his ideas for the stories from average everyday society garbage and just tweeked it to aspects that are appealing to readers vampires…huuhhh in this film they play the distant reletives of the rockafella’s…anyway later man

  • BGLion

    wen i saw the first “glitter” sine in the first movie i that to myself “way is he trying to kill himself :/”
    and i few seconds later i was like “WOA? T FUCK” HE glitter >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    god f deam it Bela Lugosi must be rolling in his grave

  • BGLion

    wen i saw the first “glitter” sine in the first movie i that to myself “way is he trying to kill himself :/”
    and i few seconds later i was like “WOA? T FUCK” HE glitter >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    god f deam it Bela Lugosi must be rolling in his grave

  • mark2000

    this has got to be the funniest spoony vlog I have ever seen. XD

  • mark2000

    this has got to be the funniest spoony vlog I have ever seen. XD

  • Anonymous

    “Oh, I forgot to mention this in my previous comment: Noah, I thoroughly enjoyed your review due to its details, but if you haven´t already done it, check out the CinemaSnobs… err… Brad´s… err… just go to the CinemaSnob´s site and watch the review of New Moon! Much, much less detailed, but absolutely hilarious. Loved your review anyway!” Kathrin

    “She kicked me out. Can I sleep on the couch tonight?” Brad

    Ha ha ha! That was awesome.

  • MFlorian

    “Oh, I forgot to mention this in my previous comment: Noah, I thoroughly enjoyed your review due to its details, but if you haven´t already done it, check out the CinemaSnobs… err… Brad´s… err… just go to the CinemaSnob´s site and watch the review of New Moon! Much, much less detailed, but absolutely hilarious. Loved your review anyway!” Kathrin

    “She kicked me out. Can I sleep on the couch tonight?” Brad

    Ha ha ha! That was awesome.

  • @393

    What’s the point in mentioning to see the other review when at the same time you spoiler and ruin the best joke in it? :-/

  • @393

    What’s the point in mentioning to see the other review when at the same time you spoiler and ruin the best joke in it? :-/

  • Jimmy

    Has anyone else noticed that Stephenie Meyer (spelling?) is a pshycopath? She admitted that she had a dream of the books, AND!, Bella is supposed to represent Meyers. Plus she wont and will never kill off any main characters. When you hear that a main character, for instance Bella, is going to die it makes you enjoy the books even more. But then again if she kills of a primary character, she loses her audience.

  • Jimmy

    Has anyone else noticed that Stephenie Meyer (spelling?) is a pshycopath? She admitted that she had a dream of the books, AND!, Bella is supposed to represent Meyers. Plus she wont and will never kill off any main characters. When you hear that a main character, for instance Bella, is going to die it makes you enjoy the books even more. But then again if she kills of a primary character, she loses her audience.

  • Phil

    Im hardly defending Harry Potter as the peak of human literature but I have come across a website called 100 reasons Twilight is Better Than Harry Potter.In it 100 seperate forum uses of movies.msn.com (http://movies.msn.com/superfans/twilight/twilight-vs-harry-potter-face-off/top-100-reasons-twilight-is-better-than-harry-potter/?silentchk=1&amp;) explain briefly why they think that Twilight is better. Here are some extracts of the quality reasons these fans gave…

    “Okay well, first of all! Harry Potter was boring ,seriously i tried reading it and i couldn’t understand anything it was so boring and confusing. Cause I’m so dumb it actually hurts!!!!”

    “Because unlike Harry no one thoughts are actually that deep and intellectual. Infact i bet if any of us published our thoughts into a book none of them would be great eenglish lit. Infact Bellas thoughts are more realistic.”

    “Because only in Twilight can I fall in love with 5 different guys at the same time. Maybe it’s just me, but Harry and Ron aren’t all that saucy.”

    “Harry Potter is difficult, terrible, and Harry and Ron aren’t even hot (like all of our Twilight men). In conclusion, Twilight is better than all things Harry Potter.”

    I mean come on, Harry Potter is a CHILDREN’S BOOK. How stupid do you have to be not to get it? The twilight series literally appeals to the lowest common denominator and given its Opening Day record it seems that there are an incredible amount of stupid people out there. I really do weep for society.

  • Phil

    Im hardly defending Harry Potter as the peak of human literature but I have come across a website called 100 reasons Twilight is Better Than Harry Potter.In it 100 seperate forum uses of movies.msn.com (http://movies.msn.com/superfans/twilight/twilight-vs-harry-potter-face-off/top-100-reasons-twilight-is-better-than-harry-potter/?silentchk=1&amp;) explain briefly why they think that Twilight is better. Here are some extracts of the quality reasons these fans gave…

    “Okay well, first of all! Harry Potter was boring ,seriously i tried reading it and i couldn’t understand anything it was so boring and confusing. Cause I’m so dumb it actually hurts!!!!”

    “Because unlike Harry no one thoughts are actually that deep and intellectual. Infact i bet if any of us published our thoughts into a book none of them would be great eenglish lit. Infact Bellas thoughts are more realistic.”

    “Because only in Twilight can I fall in love with 5 different guys at the same time. Maybe it’s just me, but Harry and Ron aren’t all that saucy.”

    “Harry Potter is difficult, terrible, and Harry and Ron aren’t even hot (like all of our Twilight men). In conclusion, Twilight is better than all things Harry Potter.”

    I mean come on, Harry Potter is a CHILDREN’S BOOK. How stupid do you have to be not to get it? The twilight series literally appeals to the lowest common denominator and given its Opening Day record it seems that there are an incredible amount of stupid people out there. I really do weep for society.

  • Smithy

    I never really thought about it before but Bella is really selfish in both the movie and the book. The man she loves leaves her for her own safety and what does she do? Instead of trying to get over it like a normal person she sinks into a deep depression. Not caring about what it’s doing to the people around her like her family or her friends. It’s just staying at home crying about why Edward is gone and how she’ll never be happy again until he comes back. Most normal people would try to find a way to move on with their lives and possibly even have professional help to get over it. At one point she even turns down being sent to Florida to live with her mother where her father is sure she’ll be happier but she refuses because heaven forbid she not be in Washington if Edward comes back.

    Then she finds out that by having an adrenaline rush she can summon forward a vision of Edward. So like an insane person with no regard for her own well being she starts risking her life and acting like an idiot to catch brief glimpses of him. Again not caring what this would do to her family and her friends if she ran her motorcycle into a pole at 60mph and wound up a stain on the highway. That’s all worth it for the few brief moments of seeing her old boyfriend.

    Of course another thing is the fact that she wants to become a vampire. She doesn’t want to do this because she wants the power or the abilities, she does it because she doesn’t want to outlive Edward. Again no regard for what this would do to her family as eventually she’d have to move away and never see them again because she’d never age and never be able to go out in the sun. So her parents would have to go through the pain of thinking she’s dead so she doesn’t have to go through the horrors of growing old and dying like everyone is supposed to do eventually.

    I could keep going on about this but I won’t but I totally agree with how selfish she really is. And last but not least when she finally gets her precious Edward back she totally dumps Jacob who had been her best friend for months.

  • Smithy

    I never really thought about it before but Bella is really selfish in both the movie and the book. The man she loves leaves her for her own safety and what does she do? Instead of trying to get over it like a normal person she sinks into a deep depression. Not caring about what it’s doing to the people around her like her family or her friends. It’s just staying at home crying about why Edward is gone and how she’ll never be happy again until he comes back. Most normal people would try to find a way to move on with their lives and possibly even have professional help to get over it. At one point she even turns down being sent to Florida to live with her mother where her father is sure she’ll be happier but she refuses because heaven forbid she not be in Washington if Edward comes back.

    Then she finds out that by having an adrenaline rush she can summon forward a vision of Edward. So like an insane person with no regard for her own well being she starts risking her life and acting like an idiot to catch brief glimpses of him. Again not caring what this would do to her family and her friends if she ran her motorcycle into a pole at 60mph and wound up a stain on the highway. That’s all worth it for the few brief moments of seeing her old boyfriend.

    Of course another thing is the fact that she wants to become a vampire. She doesn’t want to do this because she wants the power or the abilities, she does it because she doesn’t want to outlive Edward. Again no regard for what this would do to her family as eventually she’d have to move away and never see them again because she’d never age and never be able to go out in the sun. So her parents would have to go through the pain of thinking she’s dead so she doesn’t have to go through the horrors of growing old and dying like everyone is supposed to do eventually.

    I could keep going on about this but I won’t but I totally agree with how selfish she really is. And last but not least when she finally gets her precious Edward back she totally dumps Jacob who had been her best friend for months.

  • Jimmy

    @Phil
    You’re right, most people who have read Twilight are undereducated. 95% of the audience is teenagers. So of course raving fans are gonna say that the Harry Potter books “suck.” They dont have the intelligence to grasp the concept around it. To make a point, Meyers takes 3 of teen weaknesses and throws it into a book. Vamires for the emo goths, romance for the lonely, and teenagers that they can relate to. I read the first few chapters of Twilight and ended up brain dead. Its a series ment for the young and emotional and should have never been published.

  • Crazy Steve

    Misogony is making a come back in Twitlight! I think the series is propaganda designed to wear down and break the minds of several generations of future women. Imagine an entire generation of girls with no hopes, dreams, or goals for the future other than being a housewife? Twilight is the final nail in the coffin for the women’s rights movement. We are going to see generations of unmotivated, spoiled rotten brats with no direction in life and no soul. Whom will be programed to leech to a “hot” domestic abusiving, co-dependent asshole. Then again anyone stupid enough to buy into this crappy fad deserves pain.

  • Jimmy

    @Phil
    You’re right, most people who have read Twilight are undereducated. 95% of the audience is teenagers. So of course raving fans are gonna say that the Harry Potter books “suck.” They dont have the intelligence to grasp the concept around it. To make a point, Meyers takes 3 of teen weaknesses and throws it into a book. Vamires for the emo goths, romance for the lonely, and teenagers that they can relate to. I read the first few chapters of Twilight and ended up brain dead. Its a series ment for the young and emotional and should have never been published.

  • Crazy Steve

    Misogony is making a come back in Twitlight! I think the series is propaganda designed to wear down and break the minds of several generations of future women. Imagine an entire generation of girls with no hopes, dreams, or goals for the future other than being a housewife? Twilight is the final nail in the coffin for the women’s rights movement. We are going to see generations of unmotivated, spoiled rotten brats with no direction in life and no soul. Whom will be programed to leech to a “hot” domestic abusiving, co-dependent asshole. Then again anyone stupid enough to buy into this crappy fad deserves pain.

  • Dudey

    Jimmy – You saying all teens are stupid and emo and can have no appreciation for good literature? D:

  • Dudey

    Jimmy – You saying all teens are stupid and emo and can have no appreciation for good literature? D:

  • Jussi
  • Jussi
  • Anonymous

    I counted 15 uses of the word titties…nice. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life, great review Spoony. Like the others have said you make a LOT of great points about this crap series. I’ve tried to find the words to define Bella and I could never have done it as accurately as you did. One of my friends is obsessed with Edward and she’s 18, I mean grow up…he’s not real, I don’t think she knows that, lol. I don’t understand why this tripe is as popular as it is.

  • Sara

    I counted 15 uses of the word titties…nice. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life, great review Spoony. Like the others have said you make a LOT of great points about this crap series. I’ve tried to find the words to define Bella and I could never have done it as accurately as you did. One of my friends is obsessed with Edward and she’s 18, I mean grow up…he’s not real, I don’t think she knows that, lol. I don’t understand why this tripe is as popular as it is.

  • http://www.vgboxart.com/author/alldreamsfalldown/ alldreamsfalldown

    From what I could tell, was that a boom mic shadow across your face? It was very distracting and quieter than your clip on mic. Wow….long.

  • http://www.vgboxart.com/author/alldreamsfalldown/ alldreamsfalldown

    From what I could tell, was that a boom mic shadow across your face? It was very distracting and quieter than your clip on mic. Wow….long.

  • Sanya

    HAhHHAhHAhhHAhHAhHAhHAhHahHHA
    dude, you’re my favorite person in the world right now :P I’m 21 and a hardcore Twilight fan, but this review was soooooo much fun!!! I laughed my ass off and I really appreciate that you were objective… you realize that this movie’s only made for girls who are into the harlequin romance novels…
    and let me tell you that, I have absolutely no idea why I love the series so much, because I know how bad Stephenie Meyer is at writing (she’s like a girl in 6th grade, who’s read too much Jane Austen) and I know that the movies suck compared to everything else that’s been coming out in the past 5-6 years…
    and I have no idea why I love Edward so much, considering the fact that if I meet smn like him in real life (a totally obsessive stalker, who has deep control issues and 0 sense of humor?), I wouldn’t even talk to him…
    thank you for not making this personal, I was getting tired of reviews from people, who just hate the Twilight fans and want to disrespect them in every possible way…
    not that most of them don’t deserve it… a 13 yo fangirl sitting in the movie theatre next to me was gonna kill me, because every time she screamed, gasped or aplauded (yeah, she actually DID THAT), I laughed… it’s just so funny!

    anyway, thanks again for making my day!!!

  • Sanya

    HAhHHAhHAhhHAhHAhHAhHAhHahHHA
    dude, you’re my favorite person in the world right now :P I’m 21 and a hardcore Twilight fan, but this review was soooooo much fun!!! I laughed my ass off and I really appreciate that you were objective… you realize that this movie’s only made for girls who are into the harlequin romance novels…
    and let me tell you that, I have absolutely no idea why I love the series so much, because I know how bad Stephenie Meyer is at writing (she’s like a girl in 6th grade, who’s read too much Jane Austen) and I know that the movies suck compared to everything else that’s been coming out in the past 5-6 years…
    and I have no idea why I love Edward so much, considering the fact that if I meet smn like him in real life (a totally obsessive stalker, who has deep control issues and 0 sense of humor?), I wouldn’t even talk to him…
    thank you for not making this personal, I was getting tired of reviews from people, who just hate the Twilight fans and want to disrespect them in every possible way…
    not that most of them don’t deserve it… a 13 yo fangirl sitting in the movie theatre next to me was gonna kill me, because every time she screamed, gasped or aplauded (yeah, she actually DID THAT), I laughed… it’s just so funny!

    anyway, thanks again for making my day!!!

  • Tamed Wheiner!

    Is it me Or Spoony has Panda Eyes?

    Hope your ok Spoony…

  • Tamed Wheiner!

    Is it me Or Spoony has Panda Eyes?

    Hope your ok Spoony…

  • Sephy

    My bigest grude agens’t this crap is. that there not even real werewolfs….There just big ass wolfs =_=….

  • Sephy

    My bigest grude agens’t this crap is. that there not even real werewolfs….There just big ass wolfs =_=….

  • CrimsonDusk

    Just saw World’s Greatest Dad and awesome movie Directed by Bobcat Goldthwait and Starring Robin Williams and the movie almost got under my radar, I wonder if you saw it Spoony. What I’m getting at you should take a break from torturing yourself with crappy movies like Transformers 2, Halloween 2, Pandorum, Fourth Kind, 2012 and New Moon. Go and see some of the good movies of 2009 and maybe tell us in a 10-15 min review what you liked about them and if you recommend them to us.

    Wolverine Origins, Star Trek and Drag Me To Hell weren’t the best of this year. Watchmen and Inglorious Basterds were some of the best and Saw 6 kind of redeemed the franchise but I wonder if there are some overlooked gems like World’s Greatest Dad that you could present to us.

    Maybe in the coming days you could look back at the past movies of the year or the new movies that will come and present us some you liked. Cheers

  • CrimsonDusk

    Just saw World’s Greatest Dad and awesome movie Directed by Bobcat Goldthwait and Starring Robin Williams and the movie almost got under my radar, I wonder if you saw it Spoony. What I’m getting at you should take a break from torturing yourself with crappy movies like Transformers 2, Halloween 2, Pandorum, Fourth Kind, 2012 and New Moon. Go and see some of the good movies of 2009 and maybe tell us in a 10-15 min review what you liked about them and if you recommend them to us.

    Wolverine Origins, Star Trek and Drag Me To Hell weren’t the best of this year. Watchmen and Inglorious Basterds were some of the best and Saw 6 kind of redeemed the franchise but I wonder if there are some overlooked gems like World’s Greatest Dad that you could present to us.

    Maybe in the coming days you could look back at the past movies of the year or the new movies that will come and present us some you liked. Cheers

  • Dr.Klahn

    “My bigest grude agens’t this crap is. that there not even real werewolfs….There just big ass wolfs =_=…”

    It must be disheartening when you post a vlog and 1/3 of the people agreeing with you appear to have fetal alcohol syndrome.

  • Dr.Klahn

    “My bigest grude agens’t this crap is. that there not even real werewolfs….There just big ass wolfs =_=…”

    It must be disheartening when you post a vlog and 1/3 of the people agreeing with you appear to have fetal alcohol syndrome.

  • Haha

    @ Amy&Brent

    Rofl Hahahahahahahahahaaaa! Looks like spoony struck the cord eh? Poor you… You know there are professionals out there that can help you with your life and get you back in the right track.I know you probably think you dont need it , because youre blinded by your mental situation , but think about it because you clearly need it.

  • Haha

    @ Amy&Brent

    Rofl Hahahahahahahahahaaaa! Looks like spoony struck the cord eh? Poor you… You know there are professionals out there that can help you with your life and get you back in the right track.I know you probably think you dont need it , because youre blinded by your mental situation , but think about it because you clearly need it.

  • Whoknows

    @Amy&Brent: You fail.

    95% of it he made up? Wrong. 100% of it he got right.

    You are a moron. You actually think you’ve defended this movie but you have done absoutely nothing except for say “he didn’t get naked, he took off his shirt!”

    Greeeeaaat defense. You fucking moron. I’m glad that you like New Moon, though. It proves that you ARE the intended audience and demographic. An audience and demographic of braindead fucking retards. Thanks for proving the entire Twilight fanbase to be exactly as pointless as you are.

    Now it can be confirmed that Twilight fans are nothing but braindead scum. Congratulations, Amy&Brent…. You ARE the Twilight fanbase. Absolutely retarded people with zero intelligence or reasoning ability. Spoony’s review owns you 5000 times over.

  • Whoknows

    @Amy&Brent: You fail.

    95% of it he made up? Wrong. 100% of it he got right.

    You are a moron. You actually think you’ve defended this movie but you have done absoutely nothing except for say “he didn’t get naked, he took off his shirt!”

    Greeeeaaat defense. You fucking moron. I’m glad that you like New Moon, though. It proves that you ARE the intended audience and demographic. An audience and demographic of braindead fucking retards. Thanks for proving the entire Twilight fanbase to be exactly as pointless as you are.

    Now it can be confirmed that Twilight fans are nothing but braindead scum. Congratulations, Amy&Brent…. You ARE the Twilight fanbase. Absolutely retarded people with zero intelligence or reasoning ability. Spoony’s review owns you 5000 times over.

  • Evil Claire

    great review. i liked the five minute long segment on titties. And i have to disagree with your points about underworld. kate beckinsale in bondage leather had nothing to do with the fact i love it. And coming from a lesbian who dresses daily in bondage, you know i’m lying. i’ve been into the vampire culture for a while now and when i first heard about the twilight series i though, what? how is it that a vampire theme story has become so popular? i should’ve known it be for all the wrong reasons. i also feel bad for people who really like the series. they take so much abuse from being avid fans over what amounts to the normal stuff girls and some guys go crazy for. i remember my sister going crazy for marky mark and the funky bunch. same thing essentially. I think what really brings out the hate in people against them is that it dwells within the gothic and vampire realm. I’m very fond of my gothic and vampires and werewolves. But seeing their mystery, essence, and what makes them so alluring watered down and made into something mom’s can read and get into with their daughters makes me sick. and it makes me not want to like the people who are really into it. I especially hate how dependent belle is on edward. her whole life centers around one guy? feminism, take a step back please. I wonder how long it’ll take before belle is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen making pie.

  • Evil Claire

    great review. i liked the five minute long segment on titties. And i have to disagree with your points about underworld. kate beckinsale in bondage leather had nothing to do with the fact i love it. And coming from a lesbian who dresses daily in bondage, you know i’m lying. i’ve been into the vampire culture for a while now and when i first heard about the twilight series i though, what? how is it that a vampire theme story has become so popular? i should’ve known it be for all the wrong reasons. i also feel bad for people who really like the series. they take so much abuse from being avid fans over what amounts to the normal stuff girls and some guys go crazy for. i remember my sister going crazy for marky mark and the funky bunch. same thing essentially. I think what really brings out the hate in people against them is that it dwells within the gothic and vampire realm. I’m very fond of my gothic and vampires and werewolves. But seeing their mystery, essence, and what makes them so alluring watered down and made into something mom’s can read and get into with their daughters makes me sick. and it makes me not want to like the people who are really into it. I especially hate how dependent belle is on edward. her whole life centers around one guy? feminism, take a step back please. I wonder how long it’ll take before belle is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen making pie.

  • Sean J.

    Spoony has once again convinced me not to see this movie even more…not that I really need any more convincing, but you get the point.
    I will not see the movie so I can’t have an opinion about it but still the whole Twilight saga has me wondering if it Stephanie Meyer’s wet dream in novel form…
    Whatever, this whole thing is tripe and the only people who would like this are young girls who would rube one out to the dreamy “vampire”(yes I use the term loosely) boys.

  • Sean J.

    Spoony has once again convinced me not to see this movie even more…not that I really need any more convincing, but you get the point.
    I will not see the movie so I can’t have an opinion about it but still the whole Twilight saga has me wondering if it Stephanie Meyer’s wet dream in novel form…
    Whatever, this whole thing is tripe and the only people who would like this are young girls who would rube one out to the dreamy “vampire”(yes I use the term loosely) boys.

  • Brenda

    …One of the funniest reviews I’ve ever seen/heard. I honestly laughed my butt off:)) Totally spot-on! Bella is one of the most annoying, worthless, useless female leads I’ve ever seen. Aaaand words cannot express just how crappy and retarded this saga really is:

    I will make one small objection, though, on a bit of an off-topic note. As stunningly gorgeous as Kate Beckinsale was in the Underworld trilogy, I really don’t think she was objectified. I found her a confident, strong, (in short, badass:d), solid female protagonist, and while I will admit that the trilogy wasn’t pulled off as impeccably as I might have hoped, I still love and appreciate it greatly (despite my utter hatred of gore), and believe it to have really done justice to the vampire/lycan myths (in fact, I still rate it as my favourite vampire sortaseries:) ). Which is much, much more than I can say about this emasculating, pathetic ‘Twilight’ saga.

    Rant over…To conclude….*starts clapping* I’ll definitely start visiting this site more often!:)

  • Brenda

    …One of the funniest reviews I’ve ever seen/heard. I honestly laughed my butt off:)) Totally spot-on! Bella is one of the most annoying, worthless, useless female leads I’ve ever seen. Aaaand words cannot express just how crappy and retarded this saga really is:\

    I will make one small objection, though, on a bit of an off-topic note. As stunningly gorgeous as Kate Beckinsale was in the Underworld trilogy, I really don’t think she was objectified. I found her a confident, strong, (in short, badass:d), solid female protagonist, and while I will admit that the trilogy wasn’t pulled off as impeccably as I might have hoped, I still love and appreciate it greatly (despite my utter hatred of gore), and believe it to have really done justice to the vampire/lycan myths (in fact, I still rate it as my favourite vampire sortaseries:) ). Which is much, much more than I can say about this emasculating, pathetic ‘Twilight’ saga.

    Rant over…To conclude….*starts clapping* I’ll definitely start visiting this site more often!:)

  • http://www.johndohe.com/ midnightpooper

    i’ve seen some terrible movies in my life, but after your review… i watched it. online of course.
    i now have a headache.
    that was bad.
    very bad.
    bad.

  • http://www.johndohe.com midnightpooper

    i’ve seen some terrible movies in my life, but after your review… i watched it. online of course.
    i now have a headache.
    that was bad.
    very bad.
    bad.

  • Allison

    Dear Lord, this review is soooo awesome… I’ve watched it about half a dozen times this week, and I just can’t get enough! Listening to this reminds me why spending money to watch this would be such a waste – if I’d be facing the screen, that is. When you described the part about how the women reacted to Jacob taking off his shirt, I imagined it would be hilarious to sit at the very front, right next to the screen, facing the audience. That might just make me laugh my ass off! But if those darn fangirls would start screaming or some shit like that, I’d leave instantly.

    I must admit that vampires have never been my cup of tea, yet the whole idea about the sparkling vampires seriously cracks me up. If I’d see a sparkling man who wasn’t a living statue or a mime, I’d certainly fail to restrain hysterical laughter. Every time I hear the word “sparkle” now, I’m instantly reminded of you talking about his oh-so-stupid plan… that was pure gold! I also loved the part in which you talked about Bella’s spectral visions of Edward.

    Too bad that so few people I know dislike Twilight. Luckily, however, they don’t talk about it *constantly*, so the only time I have no other choice but to put up with this bullshit is when I have to deal with certain people at the library.

    Bottom line: awesome review, Spoony! I thoroughly enjoyed this! :-)

  • Allison

    Dear Lord, this review is soooo awesome… I’ve watched it about half a dozen times this week, and I just can’t get enough! Listening to this reminds me why spending money to watch this would be such a waste – if I’d be facing the screen, that is. When you described the part about how the women reacted to Jacob taking off his shirt, I imagined it would be hilarious to sit at the very front, right next to the screen, facing the audience. That might just make me laugh my ass off! But if those darn fangirls would start screaming or some shit like that, I’d leave instantly.

    I must admit that vampires have never been my cup of tea, yet the whole idea about the sparkling vampires seriously cracks me up. If I’d see a sparkling man who wasn’t a living statue or a mime, I’d certainly fail to restrain hysterical laughter. Every time I hear the word “sparkle” now, I’m instantly reminded of you talking about his oh-so-stupid plan… that was pure gold! I also loved the part in which you talked about Bella’s spectral visions of Edward.

    Too bad that so few people I know dislike Twilight. Luckily, however, they don’t talk about it *constantly*, so the only time I have no other choice but to put up with this bullshit is when I have to deal with certain people at the library.

    Bottom line: awesome review, Spoony! I thoroughly enjoyed this! :-)

  • SyxxPunk

    Okay, leave Amy&Brent alone…

    The fact that she is defending this movie is sign enough that she needs professional help. And she criticizes you for watching the movie (I admit, seeing this much rabid fanism is pushing me to make a vampire comparison video), then she says she has better things to do (sure) than listen to you.

    There are only so many ways I can respond to her, but my mind has nearly shut down over seeing her post.

  • SyxxPunk

    Okay, leave Amy&Brent alone…

    The fact that she is defending this movie is sign enough that she needs professional help. And she criticizes you for watching the movie (I admit, seeing this much rabid fanism is pushing me to make a vampire comparison video), then she says she has better things to do (sure) than listen to you.

    There are only so many ways I can respond to her, but my mind has nearly shut down over seeing her post.

  • Laguna and a DELL

    THIS IS A TRIBUTE (reprise) to the awesomeness that is Spoony

  • Laguna and a DELL

    THIS IS A TRIBUTE (reprise) to the awesomeness that is Spoony

  • Laguna and a DELL
  • Laguna and a DELL
  • Justina

    Gosh.. you rock dude! I read all the books of this saga and ended up pissed off with Bella and her mental problems. Seriously, i don’t even know what kept me reading. How lame and childish is she. In the last books, she’s all about getting laid with Edward, no matter what.. and then she also gets pregnant.. – what a ridiculous story is that! If not the Edward guy (there is something charming about him), i wouldn’t bother myself with it.

  • Justina

    Gosh.. you rock dude! I read all the books of this saga and ended up pissed off with Bella and her mental problems. Seriously, i don’t even know what kept me reading. How lame and childish is she. In the last books, she’s all about getting laid with Edward, no matter what.. and then she also gets pregnant.. – what a ridiculous story is that! If not the Edward guy (there is something charming about him), i wouldn’t bother myself with it.

  • TelekineticWolf

    haha, they just did giant wolf CG okay I guess too :o

    not that i’d pay money to see it :/

    AH THE INTERNET!

  • TelekineticWolf

    haha, they just did giant wolf CG okay I guess too :o

    not that i’d pay money to see it :/

    AH THE INTERNET!

  • Rhiannon Jones

    Seriously, I just watched New Moon online, because I’m ill and the cinema was frankly too far. Thank fuck I didn’t waste £8.00. Bad BAD film. I’ve read the books ok? I know the plot, I was watching for all the wrong (right) reasons, and I have compiled a list of how fucking awful this film was.

    1) What was with all the cheap, lame old jokes about cougars and suicide and shit
    2)Yeah the romeo and juliet thing went past blantanly not subtle to freakishly overt
    3) Kristen Steward can’t physically smile. Grimace, sulk, whimper, blink and sigh she can, smile with joy (since she’s got he sparkly maschocist) seems to go beyond the realms of possibility for the actress with a monotone voice, perpetual hungover face with awful eyebrows ( I actually quite like her as a person, weird right?)
    4) Roba and Kristen have ZERO chemistry. Acting-wise it was like watching a wet fish struggle for air whilst attemping to fuck a peice of sandpaper.
    5)Music? What music, I heard whales communicate throughout, aint no music to be heard.
    6) Editing was bad, no tension, no suspense or ambience, just bad acting with bad sets saying lines that made no sense and catered to the lowest common denominator.
    7) I DIDNT BELIEVE ONE FUCKING SCENE. I KEPT ASKING WHY?! Why is bella saying this? doing that? looking at the posters on the wall and not jacob.
    8)Its worrying when you can remember the scene with muffins as standing out as good, even though the line ‘ save some for your brothers’ sounded like she had said it so many time its hurt.
    9) the direction was real bad. I dont even think about such things when watching a film. I did today. law and Order had more suspense then this ‘romantic supernatural thriller’ pleeeeease!

    I hated it so much I want to see it again with somene so i can point out every flaw, and I hate that it did that to a self respecting person. It depressed me, not because Im envious of any character or life, because it was god awful. Like hollyoaks on ketamine. Oh wait this is an american site you wont understand what hollyoaks is. you lucky people…

    Urgh.
    I agreed with everything you said, the best part of watching this was watching you after, laughed so hard when you impersonated edward. And went on about him being the pasty dude. Ah life. Silver linings.

  • Rhiannon Jones

    Seriously, I just watched New Moon online, because I’m ill and the cinema was frankly too far. Thank fuck I didn’t waste £8.00. Bad BAD film. I’ve read the books ok? I know the plot, I was watching for all the wrong (right) reasons, and I have compiled a list of how fucking awful this film was.

    1) What was with all the cheap, lame old jokes about cougars and suicide and shit
    2)Yeah the romeo and juliet thing went past blantanly not subtle to freakishly overt
    3) Kristen Steward can’t physically smile. Grimace, sulk, whimper, blink and sigh she can, smile with joy (since she’s got he sparkly maschocist) seems to go beyond the realms of possibility for the actress with a monotone voice, perpetual hungover face with awful eyebrows ( I actually quite like her as a person, weird right?)
    4) Roba and Kristen have ZERO chemistry. Acting-wise it was like watching a wet fish struggle for air whilst attemping to fuck a peice of sandpaper.
    5)Music? What music, I heard whales communicate throughout, aint no music to be heard.
    6) Editing was bad, no tension, no suspense or ambience, just bad acting with bad sets saying lines that made no sense and catered to the lowest common denominator.
    7) I DIDNT BELIEVE ONE FUCKING SCENE. I KEPT ASKING WHY?! Why is bella saying this? doing that? looking at the posters on the wall and not jacob.
    8)Its worrying when you can remember the scene with muffins as standing out as good, even though the line ‘ save some for your brothers’ sounded like she had said it so many time its hurt.
    9) the direction was real bad. I dont even think about such things when watching a film. I did today. law and Order had more suspense then this ‘romantic supernatural thriller’ pleeeeease!

    I hated it so much I want to see it again with somene so i can point out every flaw, and I hate that it did that to a self respecting person. It depressed me, not because Im envious of any character or life, because it was god awful. Like hollyoaks on ketamine. Oh wait this is an american site you wont understand what hollyoaks is. you lucky people…

    Urgh.
    I agreed with everything you said, the best part of watching this was watching you after, laughed so hard when you impersonated edward. And went on about him being the pasty dude. Ah life. Silver linings.

  • Professor Centipede

    I think Spoony should direct Twilight 3. It would be awesome.

  • Professor Centipede

    I think Spoony should direct Twilight 3. It would be awesome.

  • simpsons

    Spoony…what can I say? You’re a saint.
    I keep trying to tell the kids at my school the unsurmountable amount of bullshit the Twilight books and movies are, but they won’t listen. Maybe we can schedule for you to hold a seminar.

  • simpsons

    Spoony…what can I say? You’re a saint.
    I keep trying to tell the kids at my school the unsurmountable amount of bullshit the Twilight books and movies are, but they won’t listen. Maybe we can schedule for you to hold a seminar.

  • http://www.fileunder.nl/ André

    Great review Spoony, but….

    [nitpicking] The third Underworld movie featured Rhona Mitra in SM-gear… not Kate Beckinsale [/nitpicking]

    (of course I fully understand this faux-pas considering the hell you must have gone through watching this)

  • http://www.fileunder.nl André

    Great review Spoony, but….

    [nitpicking] The third Underworld movie featured Rhona Mitra in SM-gear… not Kate Beckinsale [/nitpicking]

    (of course I fully understand this faux-pas considering the hell you must have gone through watching this)

  • Nick Fagone

    Spoony man your awesome. I think the beauty of your review is that it comes from the perspective of someone who had no prior knowledge of the twilight saga, and saw the movie with an open mind.

  • Nick Fagone

    Spoony man your awesome. I think the beauty of your review is that it comes from the perspective of someone who had no prior knowledge of the twilight saga, and saw the movie with an open mind.

  • Seditiondaydream

    The funniest part about this review is that you actually think that people give a crap…get a life and find something that you enjoy rather than demoting the things that you don’t. Seriously…I feel bad for you…

  • Seditiondaydream

    The funniest part about this review is that you actually think that people give a crap…get a life and find something that you enjoy rather than demoting the things that you don’t. Seriously…I feel bad for you…

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/ShadowPhoenix142 ShadowPhoenix142

    Twilight in 2 words: It sucks.
    The werewolves? They’re not even Werewolves. To be a “Werewolf” you have to transform into a humanoid wolven creature. What I see these “Werewolves” become is a very VERY poor CGI, big ass wolf. Not a wolf man (the proper werewolf), A GIANT WOLF. That’s NOT a werewolf! Also someone point me to Bella so I can personally whack her in the head with that rock that she hit her head on and this time, FINISH THE JOB!

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/ShadowPhoenix142 ShadowPhoenix142

    Twilight in 2 words: It sucks.
    The werewolves? They’re not even Werewolves. To be a “Werewolf” you have to transform into a humanoid wolven creature. What I see these “Werewolves” become is a very VERY poor CGI, big ass wolf. Not a wolf man (the proper werewolf), A GIANT WOLF. That’s NOT a werewolf! Also someone point me to Bella so I can personally whack her in the head with that rock that she hit her head on and this time, FINISH THE JOB!

  • http://www.kittkill.com/ Matt

    glad to see someone else endured the pain that is “new moon” and lived to tell the tale. i went with five girls and i think one of them took my penis home with her. seriously this movie neuters men in the vane hope that robert pattison may use their junk. if you wanna hear more, check out my anthropological study at http://www.kittkill.com.

    spoony, much love and never stop, man.

  • http://www.kittkill.com Matt

    glad to see someone else endured the pain that is “new moon” and lived to tell the tale. i went with five girls and i think one of them took my penis home with her. seriously this movie neuters men in the vane hope that robert pattison may use their junk. if you wanna hear more, check out my anthropological study at http://www.kittkill.com.

    spoony, much love and never stop, man.

  • wannabeotaku

    your british accent is made of win. but really good review *thumbs up* i hate twilight man

  • wannabeotaku

    your british accent is made of win. but really good review *thumbs up* i hate twilight man

  • spoonchao

    It’s no wonder that Edward thought that she was dead! *begin imagination* Edward! I want to see you again, ooooh look, it’s a .80 Cal Rifle *Edward: No, .80 cal rifles are dangerous.* Let’s point it near my head! *Edwardo: Wear A helmet.* Such a shiny trigger! *Edweirdo: No, don’t.* *BAM!!* Congratulations Bella, you father has another body, about 1000 pieces of Bella head, and many litres of blood to clean up!*end*

  • spoonchao

    It’s no wonder that Edward thought that she was dead! *begin imagination* Edward! I want to see you again, ooooh look, it’s a .80 Cal Rifle *Edward: No, .80 cal rifles are dangerous.* Let’s point it near my head! *Edwardo: Wear A helmet.* Such a shiny trigger! *Edweirdo: No, don’t.* *BAM!!* Congratulations Bella, you father has another body, about 1000 pieces of Bella head, and many litres of blood to clean up!*end*

  • Patrick

    @ seditiondaydream: Well considering that your like the 425th commenter, quite a few people do care about his opinion. And that’s just the people who bothered posting. That and I have to point out what people’s screen names say about them again. Seditiondaydream? Am I the only one that sees more than a little pretentiousness and emo in there?

  • Patrick

    @ seditiondaydream: Well considering that your like the 425th commenter, quite a few people do care about his opinion. And that’s just the people who bothered posting. That and I have to point out what people’s screen names say about them again. Seditiondaydream? Am I the only one that sees more than a little pretentiousness and emo in there?

  • DeathsHead419

    You know what might be the best thing ever? You, Spoony, and a bunch of the TGWTG crew re-enacting this movie. Not only are you all much better actors, but I’m sure if you based your scrip off this rant and the bum review you would have created the better script too!

    I doubt it would ever happen, but it would not only be funny as hell it might just help destroy this acursed franchise.

  • DeathsHead419

    You know what might be the best thing ever? You, Spoony, and a bunch of the TGWTG crew re-enacting this movie. Not only are you all much better actors, but I’m sure if you based your scrip off this rant and the bum review you would have created the better script too!

    I doubt it would ever happen, but it would not only be funny as hell it might just help destroy this acursed franchise.

  • Nicholas

    One good thing came out of this, Bram Stoker (author of Dracula) now has George Waggner (director of Wolf Man) as company to roll in his grave with him.

  • Nicholas

    One good thing came out of this, Bram Stoker (author of Dracula) now has George Waggner (director of Wolf Man) as company to roll in his grave with him.

  • matt

    Noah — you’ve done it again. I’ve been following for TWO YEARS! Your success has been a long time coming and has been achieved by nothing more than consistancy and persistance. I write professional screenplays and critique movies, and you’ve just got more humor per pound than me, and I’m pretty funny. LOL. keep it up!

  • matt

    Noah — you’ve done it again. I’ve been following for TWO YEARS! Your success has been a long time coming and has been achieved by nothing more than consistancy and persistance. I write professional screenplays and critique movies, and you’ve just got more humor per pound than me, and I’m pretty funny. LOL. keep it up!

  • Dudey

    Seditiondaydream-
    Over 430 people give a shit…That’s not quite nobody.

    Obviously *you* don’t care, but then why are you even on this website? Need to get your own life?

  • Dudey

    Seditiondaydream-
    Over 430 people give a shit…That’s not quite nobody.

    Obviously *you* don’t care, but then why are you even on this website? Need to get your own life?

  • Naota

    My girlfriend of 1 yr. made me see this shit for her birthday and i wasn’t allowed to snark at all during it. I didn’t talk pretty much until we got home. There were a few scenes in the movie itself that teased me with things I’d rather be doing. Like I would have loved to have seen FACE PUNCH that movie sounded way more my speed and hilarious. If they were trying to demean action as a genre and put this flawed romance movie on a pedestal above it then the director failed, I don’t think that was the goal of the scene anyway though.

    Another scene where Bella comes home and her father is watching a hockey game or something, i was instantly more invested in that fictional game than i was this movie, and i don’t follow sports, but the though off cracking open a beer and watching the game with friends or fishing seem way more exciting than seeing this crappy fem porno.

    The point is; you the man spoony thanks for saying what all us guys are thinking.

  • Naota

    My girlfriend of 1 yr. made me see this shit for her birthday and i wasn’t allowed to snark at all during it. I didn’t talk pretty much until we got home. There were a few scenes in the movie itself that teased me with things I’d rather be doing. Like I would have loved to have seen FACE PUNCH that movie sounded way more my speed and hilarious. If they were trying to demean action as a genre and put this flawed romance movie on a pedestal above it then the director failed, I don’t think that was the goal of the scene anyway though.

    Another scene where Bella comes home and her father is watching a hockey game or something, i was instantly more invested in that fictional game than i was this movie, and i don’t follow sports, but the though off cracking open a beer and watching the game with friends or fishing seem way more exciting than seeing this crappy fem porno.

    The point is; you the man spoony thanks for saying what all us guys are thinking.

  • http://www.kittypurry.tumblr.com/ Sophie

    Very thorough and long (46mins) review.

    I, however, am in love with the film so I don’t agree with you much.

    Still a good review and I think you’re good at whatcha do.

  • http://www.kittypurry.tumblr.com Sophie

    Very thorough and long (46mins) review.

    I, however, am in love with the film so I don’t agree with you much.

    Still a good review and I think you’re good at whatcha do.

  • Anonymous

    @394 I didn’t recommend seeing it. Someone else recommended seeing it. And sorry for the spoilers…I guess.

  • MFlorian

    @394 I didn’t recommend seeing it. Someone else recommended seeing it. And sorry for the spoilers…I guess.

  • Anonymous

    @394 Here. Check this one out. Spoiler-free. Also recommended by someone else on the site before me. Very good. =)

  • MFlorian

    @394 Here. Check this one out. Spoiler-free. Also recommended by someone else on the site before me. Very good. =)

  • Anonymous

    @394 Here. Check this one out. Spoiler-free. Also recommended by someone else on the site before me. Very good. =) http://www.spill.com/Movie-Reviews/MovieReview.aspx?Name=The+Twilight+Saga%3a+New+Moon&VideoId=475922

  • MFlorian

    @394 Here. Check this one out. Spoiler-free. Also recommended by someone else on the site before me. Very good. =) http://www.spill.com/Movie-Reviews/MovieReview.aspx?Name=The+Twilight+Saga%3a+New+Moon&VideoId=475922

  • Anonymous

    Damn double post.

  • MFlorian

    Damn double post.

  • Dudey

    I don’t think Spoony’s actually done a review of Twilight, has he? If he hasn’t, I really wish he would :D

  • Dudey

    I don’t think Spoony’s actually done a review of Twilight, has he? If he hasn’t, I really wish he would :D

  • caliche

    awesome review

  • caliche

    awesome review

  • Squall Lee

    If Spoony doesn’t win that “Funniest Person to Follow” deal I will have lost all faith in the internet, as futile and as full of so much garbage as it is. This, among others is the kind of thing that makes him the damn near the funniest man since George Carlin.

    But you gotta admit, as bad as this movie is, it’s a piece of marketing genius; pandering to such an under minded albeit completely idiotic audience. It’s bad, but they’ve got nothing else. And whoever put up the advertising for this knew, with every fiber of their being that the core audience would take it for everything it was worth and not worth, and bitch, moan, complain, and do anything to get everything and see everything with it’s logo or accompanying images splashed across it. Hence, the monumental ticket sales: young girls forcing their entire, braindead families to go see it, teenage girls and idiot adult women forcing their friends, boyfriends, or “suiters” to go take them to see it.

    I’ll bet anyone reading this can possibly imagine that a great deal of the ticket sales for this movie came from people who didn’t even want to see this piece of shit.

  • Squall Lee

    If Spoony doesn’t win that “Funniest Person to Follow” deal I will have lost all faith in the internet, as futile and as full of so much garbage as it is. This, among others is the kind of thing that makes him the damn near the funniest man since George Carlin.

    But you gotta admit, as bad as this movie is, it’s a piece of marketing genius; pandering to such an under minded albeit completely idiotic audience. It’s bad, but they’ve got nothing else. And whoever put up the advertising for this knew, with every fiber of their being that the core audience would take it for everything it was worth and not worth, and bitch, moan, complain, and do anything to get everything and see everything with it’s logo or accompanying images splashed across it. Hence, the monumental ticket sales: young girls forcing their entire, braindead families to go see it, teenage girls and idiot adult women forcing their friends, boyfriends, or “suiters” to go take them to see it.

    I’ll bet anyone reading this can possibly imagine that a great deal of the ticket sales for this movie came from people who didn’t even want to see this piece of shit.

  • Sigma

    I really think of this review as a form of pandering and taking the easy road. If you were looking for a bad movie did you really have to throw more money at a film that panders poorly to teenage girls in order to know why it is bad? The movie is a terrible idea based on some poorly written books. I normally like you taking something that I know will be bad and tearing it down for our mutual amusement but this really felt like you weren’t trying.

    This movie is too easy to mock, so why bother?

  • Sigma

    I really think of this review as a form of pandering and taking the easy road. If you were looking for a bad movie did you really have to throw more money at a film that panders poorly to teenage girls in order to know why it is bad? The movie is a terrible idea based on some poorly written books. I normally like you taking something that I know will be bad and tearing it down for our mutual amusement but this really felt like you weren’t trying.

    This movie is too easy to mock, so why bother?

  • DanVanZandt

    Spoony for President.

  • DanVanZandt

    Spoony for President.

  • Mach

    I MADE MUFFINS! I will henceforth do my best to turn this into a meme, it’s one of the better nonsensical whiskey-tango-foxtrots I’ve seen recently. I really feel that you got the basic problem right: she’s supposed to be deeply hurt by Edward’s abandoning her, but it really is just a severely protracted, petulant temper tantrum. I thoroughly enjoyed your review, and now I feel like I should go see it, mostly because a lot of my friends are saying that they enjoyed it, and I need to be able to scorn them properly ^_^

  • Mach

    I MADE MUFFINS! I will henceforth do my best to turn this into a meme, it’s one of the better nonsensical whiskey-tango-foxtrots I’ve seen recently. I really feel that you got the basic problem right: she’s supposed to be deeply hurt by Edward’s abandoning her, but it really is just a severely protracted, petulant temper tantrum. I thoroughly enjoyed your review, and now I feel like I should go see it, mostly because a lot of my friends are saying that they enjoyed it, and I need to be able to scorn them properly ^_^

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/keyblademaster333 Keyblademaster333

    SPoony had proven how bad this movie is still. Great job man

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/keyblademaster333 Keyblademaster333

    SPoony had proven how bad this movie is still. Great job man

  • Concurssi

    Okay so, I realize this comes in kinda late, and i’m sure some of you know about this, but I just pulled this off of http://mylifeisaverage.com/

    “Today, I was at school wearing my harry potter t-shirt. Then these girls who love twilight and wore the new moon t-shirt came up to me and gave me a dirty look. When they walked away, one of them stopped short came up to me and lifted up her bangs showing a Harry Potter scar underneath. She gave me a high five and said,” Im trying to take twilight down undercover.” Then she went back to her “friends”. This is for you undercover Harry Potter fan. This is for you. MLIA”

  • Concurssi

    Okay so, I realize this comes in kinda late, and i’m sure some of you know about this, but I just pulled this off of http://mylifeisaverage.com/

    “Today, I was at school wearing my harry potter t-shirt. Then these girls who love twilight and wore the new moon t-shirt came up to me and gave me a dirty look. When they walked away, one of them stopped short came up to me and lifted up her bangs showing a Harry Potter scar underneath. She gave me a high five and said,” Im trying to take twilight down undercover.” Then she went back to her “friends”. This is for you undercover Harry Potter fan. This is for you. MLIA”

  • Concurssi

    Sorry for the double post, but I think I should make it clear that I HATE Harry Potter about half as much as I hate twilight, and that’s still a lot.

  • Concurssi

    Sorry for the double post, but I think I should make it clear that I HATE Harry Potter about half as much as I hate twilight, and that’s still a lot.

  • Randomer

    Hell yeah, Spoony! You summed up my feelings about Bella perfectly!! <3

  • Randomer

    Hell yeah, Spoony! You summed up my feelings about Bella perfectly!! <3

  • Melody M.

    Spoony, you won’t believe this, but I have heard (insane) people actually refer to Bella and Edward’s relationship as “pure” and “perfect”. T_T
    Hey, Spoony, are you on Team Edward or Team Jacob? Myself, I belong to Team Who Gives a Crap. Seems to be the best option, in my opinion.

    By the way, I think the movie would have been much improved if it had just been vampires choke-slamming Indians for two whole hours.

    Hmm……..The Twilight Saga: Choke-Slam Past Midnight.

    (PS I happen to be 1/4 Native American [Blackfoot], so I meant no disrespect in my comment XD)

  • Melody M.

    Spoony, you won’t believe this, but I have heard (insane) people actually refer to Bella and Edward’s relationship as “pure” and “perfect”. T_T
    Hey, Spoony, are you on Team Edward or Team Jacob? Myself, I belong to Team Who Gives a Crap. Seems to be the best option, in my opinion.

    By the way, I think the movie would have been much improved if it had just been vampires choke-slamming Indians for two whole hours.

    Hmm……..The Twilight Saga: Choke-Slam Past Midnight.

    (PS I happen to be 1/4 Native American [Blackfoot], so I meant no disrespect in my comment XD)

  • Mr Bucket

    Ladies love the vampire/werewolf beefcake…

  • Mr Bucket

    Ladies love the vampire/werewolf beefcake…

  • Cheryl

    Rpattz portrayal of Edward makes total sense when you read his interviews. He apparently hates Edward and thinks he’s a self-loathing asshole.

  • Cheryl

    Rpattz portrayal of Edward makes total sense when you read his interviews. He apparently hates Edward and thinks he’s a self-loathing asshole.

  • Yves

    I’m surprised at the small amount of Twi-tards that got angry and yelled at you for this. I was half expecting a half million comments just from those. Awesome review Spoony.

  • Yves

    I’m surprised at the small amount of Twi-tards that got angry and yelled at you for this. I was half expecting a half million comments just from those. Awesome review Spoony.

  • Slowking

    Cut Pattinson some slack spoony. If you would play in twilight you would look like you are in pain, too. :p

    I didn’t get the gay-thing but now that you say it it was probably obvious. Though I saw the film in german, since it was first on the torrent sites this way and the “lifestyle” thing and similar stuff probably got lost in translation.
    On the other hand maybe I was just to occupied yelling at the screen when Bella was a jerk, they did this incredibly corny romance stuff or thinking about what a great drinking game this movie would make, if you drank every time a shirtless dude shows up…

    Btw. I am a gay man but I still asked myself a lot if they couldnt afford shirts. If they were completely naked you could say it’s because they tranform all the time and their things get shreded, but their jeans seem to be fine. Actually if they had been completely naked this movie might have been kinda worth wasting my time. XD

    In the end I would say this movie is worth it if you want a few good laughs. Grab yourself some friends that hate this stuff as much as you do, go to your lokal theater and proceed to make fun of the movie and it’s fans while taking a shot everytime somebody shows up without a shirt. You will be wasted in no time and this movie might seem kinda funny.

  • Slowking

    Cut Pattinson some slack spoony. If you would play in twilight you would look like you are in pain, too. :p

    I didn’t get the gay-thing but now that you say it it was probably obvious. Though I saw the film in german, since it was first on the torrent sites this way and the “lifestyle” thing and similar stuff probably got lost in translation.
    On the other hand maybe I was just to occupied yelling at the screen when Bella was a jerk, they did this incredibly corny romance stuff or thinking about what a great drinking game this movie would make, if you drank every time a shirtless dude shows up…

    Btw. I am a gay man but I still asked myself a lot if they couldnt afford shirts. If they were completely naked you could say it’s because they tranform all the time and their things get shreded, but their jeans seem to be fine. Actually if they had been completely naked this movie might have been kinda worth wasting my time. XD

    In the end I would say this movie is worth it if you want a few good laughs. Grab yourself some friends that hate this stuff as much as you do, go to your lokal theater and proceed to make fun of the movie and it’s fans while taking a shot everytime somebody shows up without a shirt. You will be wasted in no time and this movie might seem kinda funny.

  • LauraRiddle

    @Amy&Brent
    Y’know, he has probably read more books than you have, dear.

  • LauraRiddle

    @Amy&Brent
    Y’know, he has probably read more books than you have, dear.

  • Vect

    Well, about Pattinson’s acting… From what I hear his views on the series and Stephanie Meyers really aren’t all that different from you. He personally hates the series and the characters (according to him he sees Edward as a self-loathing asshat or something) according to a few interviews. Still, he’s stuck with this so he’s sorta forced to weather through the shitasterpiece that is “The Twilight Saga”.

    Eragon at least got shot down after a single movie, and I’m sure you’d despise him just as much as Edward/Bella had they made “Inheritance” or “Brisingr”.

  • Vect

    Well, about Pattinson’s acting… From what I hear his views on the series and Stephanie Meyers really aren’t all that different from you. He personally hates the series and the characters (according to him he sees Edward as a self-loathing asshat or something) according to a few interviews. Still, he’s stuck with this so he’s sorta forced to weather through the shitasterpiece that is “The Twilight Saga”.

    Eragon at least got shot down after a single movie, and I’m sure you’d despise him just as much as Edward/Bella had they made “Inheritance” or “Brisingr”.

  • http://www.drunkduck.com/Shaman_Quest/index.php Dark Pascual

    This review was sooooo awesome. I couldn’t stop laughing and I blew Coke through my nose a couple of times. I’m just rewatching the whole thing.

    I remember picking Twilight (the book) when it just came out where I live. I’ve readed an article claiming that it was the most succesful Vampire novel since Anne Rice’s books (which I hold as enjoyable, quick and fun readings), so I said “Well, let’s check it out!” (I didn’t knew about the saga’s infamy until a few months later)

    At that moment, I thought that the book was so awful, poor written, BLATANLY WISH-FULLFILLMENT (spelling?) atempt of fanfiction, that it was a fun experience to me. The idea of vampires being and acting more like emo pixies was something that I founded hilarious.

    At that time I didn’t truly give a thought about Bella being a manipulative codependant or Edward being an abusive whinny jerk, so I just put the book in the “so bad is good” category. I even harbored the hope that it was a rather clever parody to the genre…(I know, naive thinking…)

    But given a more serious and lenghty analysis about it, it comes as a truly piece of mean spirited garbage for the reasons that you (and everbody else around the have the Information Superhighway) mentioned before. The idea of have such a sickening, manipulative, abusive, sociopathic, borderline psycothic excuse for relationship (which at the long run strikes like nothing but mutual hornyness) as “one of the greatest LUV STORIES, like, EVAH”, is moronic.

    I propably will wait until the RiffTrax to get both Twilight and New Moon, but luckily, Pirate copies are very common where I live, so probably will end paying a lot more for the Trax than for the movies and the producers and Stephaine Meyer will not see a dime of my hard earned money…

  • http://www.drunkduck.com/Shaman_Quest/index.php Dark Pascual

    This review was sooooo awesome. I couldn’t stop laughing and I blew Coke through my nose a couple of times. I’m just rewatching the whole thing.

    I remember picking Twilight (the book) when it just came out where I live. I’ve readed an article claiming that it was the most succesful Vampire novel since Anne Rice’s books (which I hold as enjoyable, quick and fun readings), so I said “Well, let’s check it out!” (I didn’t knew about the saga’s infamy until a few months later)

    At that moment, I thought that the book was so awful, poor written, BLATANLY WISH-FULLFILLMENT (spelling?) atempt of fanfiction, that it was a fun experience to me. The idea of vampires being and acting more like emo pixies was something that I founded hilarious.

    At that time I didn’t truly give a thought about Bella being a manipulative codependant or Edward being an abusive whinny jerk, so I just put the book in the “so bad is good” category. I even harbored the hope that it was a rather clever parody to the genre…(I know, naive thinking…)

    But given a more serious and lenghty analysis about it, it comes as a truly piece of mean spirited garbage for the reasons that you (and everbody else around the have the Information Superhighway) mentioned before. The idea of have such a sickening, manipulative, abusive, sociopathic, borderline psycothic excuse for relationship (which at the long run strikes like nothing but mutual hornyness) as “one of the greatest LUV STORIES, like, EVAH”, is moronic.

    I propably will wait until the RiffTrax to get both Twilight and New Moon, but luckily, Pirate copies are very common where I live, so probably will end paying a lot more for the Trax than for the movies and the producers and Stephaine Meyer will not see a dime of my hard earned money…

  • Bryan

    Thank you Spoony, thank you. However, I wonder why you would subject yourself to such garbage. We all love you Spoony and wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you, but I must say I have great admiration for you to sit through this abomination and not torch the theater.

  • Bryan

    Thank you Spoony, thank you. However, I wonder why you would subject yourself to such garbage. We all love you Spoony and wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you, but I must say I have great admiration for you to sit through this abomination and not torch the theater.

  • The Trashcat

    IMHO, as a movie, It improved tremendously from the former! The first movie was abysmal and a load of garbage! But yes, it was a joke in of itself, however I applauded the improvements! Take for example, the horrible acting from movie 1, it improved in this one, sure it was still bad, but it wasn’t an out right joke.

    Another thing in movie 1 were the number of just awkward silences. There aren’t as many in this one as there was in movie 1. The only thing I can really compliment is how improved it was from movie 1, its still a very mediocre movie for me, but its more bearable than the 1st one. The only thing I hate about Twilight is how over-hyped it is. It’s seriously a pop culture thing now, when it was just a book series I liked it. I’m sure you’ve all heard of the MMO of Twilight that may come out? Yea… It’s getting ridiculous. Regardless if we disagree, Spoony I love your reviews and I get entertainment out of them.

  • The Trashcat

    IMHO, as a movie, It improved tremendously from the former! The first movie was abysmal and a load of garbage! But yes, it was a joke in of itself, however I applauded the improvements! Take for example, the horrible acting from movie 1, it improved in this one, sure it was still bad, but it wasn’t an out right joke.

    Another thing in movie 1 were the number of just awkward silences. There aren’t as many in this one as there was in movie 1. The only thing I can really compliment is how improved it was from movie 1, its still a very mediocre movie for me, but its more bearable than the 1st one. The only thing I hate about Twilight is how over-hyped it is. It’s seriously a pop culture thing now, when it was just a book series I liked it. I’m sure you’ve all heard of the MMO of Twilight that may come out? Yea… It’s getting ridiculous. Regardless if we disagree, Spoony I love your reviews and I get entertainment out of them.

  • DoctorWeeTodd

    I make no defense of this atrocious series. However I must point out as unusual that you pointed out that it was unusual that Bella had a passport and enough money for a plane to Italy at the age of 18.

    Lots of people have passports at that age or as minors. Especially when they live in border states like Washington. A flight to Italy costs an average of 840 dollars which Bella living and dressing like a kid from CW show could easily afford.

  • DoctorWeeTodd

    I make no defense of this atrocious series. However I must point out as unusual that you pointed out that it was unusual that Bella had a passport and enough money for a plane to Italy at the age of 18.

    Lots of people have passports at that age or as minors. Especially when they live in border states like Washington. A flight to Italy costs an average of 840 dollars which Bella living and dressing like a kid from CW show could easily afford.

  • Zero

    I’m gonna quote linkara “yeah it got 1000 times better but 1000 times 0 is still 0!”

  • Zero

    I’m gonna quote linkara “yeah it got 1000 times better but 1000 times 0 is still 0!”

  • Eternal E

    I’m actually considering to go and see this movie. If what Spoony says is true this could be comedy of the year, or atleast if Hangover isn’t counted.
    i’m torn between wanting to laugh my ass off and not wanting to support the abominations who were responsible for such a craptastic saga

  • Eternal E

    I’m actually considering to go and see this movie. If what Spoony says is true this could be comedy of the year, or atleast if Hangover isn’t counted.
    i’m torn between wanting to laugh my ass off and not wanting to support the abominations who were responsible for such a craptastic saga

  • http://www.milopov.tumblr.com/ Ewins

    This video is genius.

  • http://www.milopov.tumblr.com Ewins

    This video is genius.

  • Eternal E

    I gotta ask though, Spoony seems to legimately disbelieve that Bella would have a a passport. Is it uncommon in USA to have a passport under the age of(I’m guessing) 21?
    I live in Finland and were probably not the most progressive country in the world(not that I’m complaining mind you, I like it here) but I must’ve gotten my first passport before I went to school

  • Eternal E

    I gotta ask though, Spoony seems to legimately disbelieve that Bella would have a a passport. Is it uncommon in USA to have a passport under the age of(I’m guessing) 21?
    I live in Finland and were probably not the most progressive country in the world(not that I’m complaining mind you, I like it here) but I must’ve gotten my first passport before I went to school

  • laslow

    Thank you so much Spoony :-D I hear all the bitchy girls in my company loving this series and probably wanting to get laid by Edward all the time…..jeesh…..i just needed that review.

  • laslow

    Thank you so much Spoony :-D I hear all the bitchy girls in my company loving this series and probably wanting to get laid by Edward all the time…..jeesh…..i just needed that review.

  • Ivdar

    I absolutely agree about Bella being selfish. To be quite honest, I can get the character of Edward : ok, he looks constipated because he has to deal with his bloodlust and the fact that if he gets a boner he’ll suck her dry. And even though it’s lame, I can accept that he falls in love with her because he’s intrigued, since he can’t read her mind. He’s still an abusive stalker, but hey, he’s a vampire, he can’t be a completely balanced person when sexual urges are murderous impulses.

    But Bella ? She basically falls in love with this guy because he looks good. And that’s it, it’s just sexual attraction. You know he’s so dreamy, he’s so pale, and he’s so polite. Nevermind that he’s weird, bland and abusive, that just makes him more alluring…

    But what bugs me the most is not Bella’s selfishness. It’s the fact that the story does nothing with it ! Bella’s a selfish, self-centered, pretentious and melodramatic teenager who has no redeeming qualities ? Okay, why not ? If the story makes good use of her character, I’m game. You mentioned Gordon Gekko, and Wall Street was obviously a great movie because of this character.

    But what does Twilight tell us ? That she’s the best kind of person in the world ! That you should behave like Bella, because eventually your pale and abusive vampire boyfriend will come back !

    It just goes to show that Stephenie Meyer does not know shit about telling a story, and does not know what she’s doing with those characters. The reason Twilight fans always go “I love Twilight/Edward/Bella/Jacob so much !! Squeaaaaaal !!!” is because the book is exactly that : it’s just one big “Here are these characters, and I love them so much, and they are all going to get a happy ending ! They’re all classy and good-looking and emo, and that’s so cool…”

    Twilight is the ultimate horror : it’s a book that is its own fanfiction. And it’s self-sustaining. Be afraid, my friends. Be very afraid…

  • Ivdar

    I absolutely agree about Bella being selfish. To be quite honest, I can get the character of Edward : ok, he looks constipated because he has to deal with his bloodlust and the fact that if he gets a boner he’ll suck her dry. And even though it’s lame, I can accept that he falls in love with her because he’s intrigued, since he can’t read her mind. He’s still an abusive stalker, but hey, he’s a vampire, he can’t be a completely balanced person when sexual urges are murderous impulses.

    But Bella ? She basically falls in love with this guy because he looks good. And that’s it, it’s just sexual attraction. You know he’s so dreamy, he’s so pale, and he’s so polite. Nevermind that he’s weird, bland and abusive, that just makes him more alluring…

    But what bugs me the most is not Bella’s selfishness. It’s the fact that the story does nothing with it ! Bella’s a selfish, self-centered, pretentious and melodramatic teenager who has no redeeming qualities ? Okay, why not ? If the story makes good use of her character, I’m game. You mentioned Gordon Gekko, and Wall Street was obviously a great movie because of this character.

    But what does Twilight tell us ? That she’s the best kind of person in the world ! That you should behave like Bella, because eventually your pale and abusive vampire boyfriend will come back !

    It just goes to show that Stephenie Meyer does not know shit about telling a story, and does not know what she’s doing with those characters. The reason Twilight fans always go “I love Twilight/Edward/Bella/Jacob so much !! Squeaaaaaal !!!” is because the book is exactly that : it’s just one big “Here are these characters, and I love them so much, and they are all going to get a happy ending ! They’re all classy and good-looking and emo, and that’s so cool…”

    Twilight is the ultimate horror : it’s a book that is its own fanfiction. And it’s self-sustaining. Be afraid, my friends. Be very afraid…

  • Kubano

    I REALLLLY recomend this to all people to see xD

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9iKNDiiBqE

  • Kubano

    I REALLLLY recomend this to all people to see xD

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9iKNDiiBqE

  • Ivdar

    Oh and I gotta say, I died of laughter when you pointed out the most gaping plothole in the movie : Edward sparkling in public and people thinking “Vampire”. Maybe crazy Stephanie Meyer thinks the whole world shares her view on vampire buttcheek sparkliness…

  • Ivdar

    Oh and I gotta say, I died of laughter when you pointed out the most gaping plothole in the movie : Edward sparkling in public and people thinking “Vampire”. Maybe crazy Stephanie Meyer thinks the whole world shares her view on vampire buttcheek sparkliness…

  • Lapereau

    I just wanted to thank you for that review. My boyfriend sent me a link to your video, and OH BOY AM I THANKFUL AND AMUSED. JOLLY ME.

    I’m just so glad I saw this review; I needed a good laugh after all the “You there, you like vampire books, you should read Twilight, IT’S ONLY THE MOST AWESOMEST STORY ABOUT VAMPYRE LUV EVAH, DERP, DERP, DERP, I LOVE EDWARD, DER, DERP, DERP. And then having to stand comments like IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, THEN STOP READING/WATCHING THE MOVIES, DERP, DERP, DERP, EDWARD, DERP, DERP, DERP, JACOB MOUTH-RAPING PEDOPHILE, DERP, DERP, DERP. I’m just so sad about all of this crap happening to vampire stories. I’m an avid vampires’ books reader, but even I know and accept writers like Anne Rice are crappy most of the time, least mentioning Twilight…

    I feel for Bram Stoker and John Polidori’s poor souls. :[

    Keep up the great reviews. :P

  • Lapereau

    I just wanted to thank you for that review. My boyfriend sent me a link to your video, and OH BOY AM I THANKFUL AND AMUSED. JOLLY ME.

    I’m just so glad I saw this review; I needed a good laugh after all the “You there, you like vampire books, you should read Twilight, IT’S ONLY THE MOST AWESOMEST STORY ABOUT VAMPYRE LUV EVAH, DERP, DERP, DERP, I LOVE EDWARD, DER, DERP, DERP. And then having to stand comments like IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, THEN STOP READING/WATCHING THE MOVIES, DERP, DERP, DERP, EDWARD, DERP, DERP, DERP, JACOB MOUTH-RAPING PEDOPHILE, DERP, DERP, DERP. I’m just so sad about all of this crap happening to vampire stories. I’m an avid vampires’ books reader, but even I know and accept writers like Anne Rice are crappy most of the time, least mentioning Twilight…

    I feel for Bram Stoker and John Polidori’s poor souls. :[

    Keep up the great reviews. :P

  • Wronghands

    Dude, you have the Turkish 3 Altin Adam/3 Golden Guys poster in your room. It can’t get any cooler than this! :D I like you even more now.

  • Wronghands

    Dude, you have the Turkish 3 Altin Adam/3 Golden Guys poster in your room. It can’t get any cooler than this! :D I like you even more now.

  • John

    Spoony, I could not agree with you more and I hope the good lady Scarlett is recovering well.

    By the way:
    I think you and Scarlett should totally do a video together.

  • John

    Spoony, I could not agree with you more and I hope the good lady Scarlett is recovering well.

    By the way:
    I think you and Scarlett should totally do a video together.

  • Raif

    Why the fuck would you watch that, and for 2h, I can not fathom.

  • Raif

    Why the fuck would you watch that, and for 2h, I can not fathom.

  • Anonymous

    I loathe Twilight, not because it’s badly written, not because it’s a popular phenomenon (I loved Harry Potter) but because I’m alienated from other girls my age because I DON’T like those books (and yeah, I read them, or rather the first one…I was 14 when it came out and I disliked it then) I went to the theatre to see a different film yesterday only to be asked by the guy selling the tickets “have you seen New Moon yet? Wasn’t it good?”. Wow, how about I would never waste 7 dollars on that ever? Yes, I’m female, but I also possess taste.

    Also, because those Twilight fans judge ME for liking Buffy the Vampire Slayer…which is just several shades of idiotic.

    That said, I’ll admit that the Werewolf guy is pretty hot…that is I thought that way until it was brought to my attention that he played Shark Boy, which almost makes me feel old.

    I cannot understand the Edward love, I sorta like Robert Pattinson as an actor, but c’mon the guy looks like a constipated serial killer. At least Jacob is good looking and ripped, but there is no need to see the film just for that, not in the age of the Internet when I could just google his name alongside the word shirtless.

  • Caitlyn

    I loathe Twilight, not because it’s badly written, not because it’s a popular phenomenon (I loved Harry Potter) but because I’m alienated from other girls my age because I DON’T like those books (and yeah, I read them, or rather the first one…I was 14 when it came out and I disliked it then) I went to the theatre to see a different film yesterday only to be asked by the guy selling the tickets “have you seen New Moon yet? Wasn’t it good?”. Wow, how about I would never waste 7 dollars on that ever? Yes, I’m female, but I also possess taste.

    Also, because those Twilight fans judge ME for liking Buffy the Vampire Slayer…which is just several shades of idiotic.

    That said, I’ll admit that the Werewolf guy is pretty hot…that is I thought that way until it was brought to my attention that he played Shark Boy, which almost makes me feel old.

    I cannot understand the Edward love, I sorta like Robert Pattinson as an actor, but c’mon the guy looks like a constipated serial killer. At least Jacob is good looking and ripped, but there is no need to see the film just for that, not in the age of the Internet when I could just google his name alongside the word shirtless.

  • Dan_Blunt101

    Chick flick nuff said.

  • Dan_Blunt101

    Chick flick nuff said.

  • LyssaLove

    Thom Yorke is not POP music. I agree movie could have been better maybe with org. Director and/or maybe recast all the actors? lol idk

  • LyssaLove

    Thom Yorke is not POP music. I agree movie could have been better maybe with org. Director and/or maybe recast all the actors? lol idk

  • Anonymous

    Be cafrefull Spoony….It appears that these obsessed fan-girls of twilight are actually very, VERY violent.

    Look at this site, it tells how many people have actually been physically assulted by Twitards.

    http://twilightsucks.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=5175

    Look at the ones ‘attempted throat slitting’, ‘attempted drowning’, ‘ankle broken’, ‘hit with baseball bat’, ‘stabbed in eye with fingernails’ and ‘broken arm’

    This is not natural, something is VERY wrong with twilight if it’s making people act like this.

  • The Shamster

    Be cafrefull Spoony….It appears that these obsessed fan-girls of twilight are actually very, VERY violent.

    Look at this site, it tells how many people have actually been physically assulted by Twitards.

    http://twilightsucks.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=5175

    Look at the ones ‘attempted throat slitting’, ‘attempted drowning’, ‘ankle broken’, ‘hit with baseball bat’, ‘stabbed in eye with fingernails’ and ‘broken arm’

    This is not natural, something is VERY wrong with twilight if it’s making people act like this.

  • Just a broom

    This movie sounds hilarious. Should I be scared now?

  • Just a broom

    This movie sounds hilarious. Should I be scared now?

  • Kbomb13

    A friend of mine told me about some guy in our city went to New Moon dressed as Harry Potter and when Edward left Bella, he screamed, “Cedric! Don’t leave,” and he ran out of the theater fake crying

  • Kbomb13

    A friend of mine told me about some guy in our city went to New Moon dressed as Harry Potter and when Edward left Bella, he screamed, “Cedric! Don’t leave,” and he ran out of the theater fake crying

  • Kathrin

    I can hardly believe it myself, but I just found the headline “Der beste Vampirfilm aller Zeiten” in a german magazine, which means “the best vampire movie of all time”. And it was actually related to “New moon”. Er… no. I know why I call those magazines “Frauenverdummung” (“Makes women stupid while reading”).

  • Kathrin

    I can hardly believe it myself, but I just found the headline “Der beste Vampirfilm aller Zeiten” in a german magazine, which means “the best vampire movie of all time”. And it was actually related to “New moon”. Er… no. I know why I call those magazines “Frauenverdummung” (“Makes women stupid while reading”).

  • http://community.livejournal.com/made_of_fail_pc Queen Anthai

    Kbomb13-

    That is freaking EPIC. :)

    Shamster-

    I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that a lot of those stories were made up just to slam on Twitards. Which is a little more believable. They’re criminally stupid, but seldom violent.

  • http://community.livejournal.com/made_of_fail_pc Queen Anthai

    Kbomb13-

    That is freaking EPIC. :)

    Shamster-

    I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that a lot of those stories were made up just to slam on Twitards. Which is a little more believable. They’re criminally stupid, but seldom violent.

  • The God Emporer Hwaldar

    FUCK YA! A&W ROOT BEER FTW BITCH!!!

  • The God Emporer Hwaldar

    FUCK YA! A&W ROOT BEER FTW BITCH!!!

  • http://k.homes.mcad.edu/~khaerterich Katrin, Animator/Art student

    Movies like this, and books make me very scared that the masses are leading our culture into pointless stupidity. I feel like everything entertaining in the media is being geared to sell merchandise, and my god I am sick of seeing life size edward cut outs and ‘I <3 boys that sparkle' t-shirts. They throw half naked men on the screen and show their god damn faces everywhere and none of the rest matters, the girls flock and buy, buy, buy. Like Bella they are self centered in a greed to attain more.

    I think most woman prefer this type of thing to porn because for woman porn is still much of a taboo, and they can tell themselves that they are more moral because they don't talk or show anything more than kissing shirtless men. This is especially true for younger woman/girls.

    What scares me even more, is that my room mate is a big Twilight fan. Her boyfriend is at our apt 24/7 and when he's not, such as yesterday she calls him and calls him whining like a small child begging him to come over cause she can't live without him. She also accuses him of cheating (which is funny cause he wouldn't have the time) and is in such a way completely possessive of him. Is this the sort of behavior Twilight promotes?

    And I also have to wonder what the crowds reactions will be in the next movie. If you know what happens, then in those horrific awkward scenes, will the crowds still look up and on with desire for the monster, will they still want to be Belle? If they think that life is romantic and something they want, they are more sick in the head then I could think possible.

  • http://k.homes.mcad.edu/~khaerterich Katrin, Animator/Art student

    Movies like this, and books make me very scared that the masses are leading our culture into pointless stupidity. I feel like everything entertaining in the media is being geared to sell merchandise, and my god I am sick of seeing life size edward cut outs and ‘I <3 boys that sparkle' t-shirts. They throw half naked men on the screen and show their god damn faces everywhere and none of the rest matters, the girls flock and buy, buy, buy. Like Bella they are self centered in a greed to attain more.

    I think most woman prefer this type of thing to porn because for woman porn is still much of a taboo, and they can tell themselves that they are more moral because they don't talk or show anything more than kissing shirtless men. This is especially true for younger woman/girls.

    What scares me even more, is that my room mate is a big Twilight fan. Her boyfriend is at our apt 24/7 and when he's not, such as yesterday she calls him and calls him whining like a small child begging him to come over cause she can't live without him. She also accuses him of cheating (which is funny cause he wouldn't have the time) and is in such a way completely possessive of him. Is this the sort of behavior Twilight promotes?

    And I also have to wonder what the crowds reactions will be in the next movie. If you know what happens, then in those horrific awkward scenes, will the crowds still look up and on with desire for the monster, will they still want to be Belle? If they think that life is romantic and something they want, they are more sick in the head then I could think possible.

  • Nat

    I loved this video, and thought it was spot on. My only gripe is that you ask why women watch shitty movies like this when you can find porn on the internet? Well, most women and girls don’t want to see women getting railed in the ass by a 11 incher, which is most of the stuff you find on the internet. Internet porn sites are catered to men. Most women want the soft squishy porn, like this movie.

    By the way, you’ve made me want to see this movie. Which has made me hate myself a little.

  • Nat

    I loved this video, and thought it was spot on. My only gripe is that you ask why women watch shitty movies like this when you can find porn on the internet? Well, most women and girls don’t want to see women getting railed in the ass by a 11 incher, which is most of the stuff you find on the internet. Internet porn sites are catered to men. Most women want the soft squishy porn, like this movie.

    By the way, you’ve made me want to see this movie. Which has made me hate myself a little.

  • The annoying metal kid

    Jesus christ dude, the Twilight saga itself is a pointless, annoying and un-original piece of shite to come out in years. The ideas that vampires shine is just a fucking stupid and irritating concept, it justs seems to me that people are so obbesessed with it is because they’re locked up in there own world. I don’t know…You’ve confused me now, I suppose you sounded delirous and most probably were. But you probably have influenced some people to go see this movie. :P un-intentionally?
    I HOPE!!!

  • The annoying metal kid

    Jesus christ dude, the Twilight saga itself is a pointless, annoying and un-original piece of shite to come out in years. The ideas that vampires shine is just a fucking stupid and irritating concept, it justs seems to me that people are so obbesessed with it is because they’re locked up in there own world. I don’t know…You’ve confused me now, I suppose you sounded delirous and most probably were. But you probably have influenced some people to go see this movie. :P un-intentionally?
    I HOPE!!!

  • The Milkman

    wow, bella sure is a whore.

  • The Milkman

    wow, bella sure is a whore.

  • Tom

    Oh no, Spoony, they aren’t comparing it to Romeo & Juliet, because Meyer has said that Edward/Bella are way beyond them! Look how she describes the plot to New Moon!

    “WHAT IF… What if true love left you? Not some ordinary high school romance, not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable. True love. The real deal. Your other half, your true soul’s match. What happens if he leaves? The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O’Hara and Anne Shirley all had their ways of coping. I had to answer the question for Bella. What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her? Not just true love, but Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward (Romeo was a hothead, Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, and sweet Gilbert was much more of a Jacob than an Edward).”
    Source: http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/nm_thestory.html

    Meyer honestly believes Gone with the Wind, Wuthering Heights, Sense and Sensibility, Arthurian legend, Anne of Green Gables and fucking Romeo and Juliet aren’t in the same league as her little story about sparkly vampires! The ego, the gall, the sheer insanity of this woman, it boggles the mind! Just… ARGH!!!

  • Tom

    Oh no, Spoony, they aren’t comparing it to Romeo & Juliet, because Meyer has said that Edward/Bella are way beyond them! Look how she describes the plot to New Moon!

    “WHAT IF… What if true love left you? Not some ordinary high school romance, not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable. True love. The real deal. Your other half, your true soul’s match. What happens if he leaves? The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O’Hara and Anne Shirley all had their ways of coping. I had to answer the question for Bella. What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her? Not just true love, but Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward (Romeo was a hothead, Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, and sweet Gilbert was much more of a Jacob than an Edward).”
    Source: http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/nm_thestory.html

    Meyer honestly believes Gone with the Wind, Wuthering Heights, Sense and Sensibility, Arthurian legend, Anne of Green Gables and fucking Romeo and Juliet aren’t in the same league as her little story about sparkly vampires! The ego, the gall, the sheer insanity of this woman, it boggles the mind! Just… ARGH!!!

  • MrPowerpuff

    I do agree that the women here do appear very weak willed and Bella is a bitch and about everything else
    Well this was written by a woman not that that’s a bad thing, but the vampires could have been much more…interesting than sparkly prissy vampires
    BTW, I love your impersonation of Edward, it cracks me up every time I hear it.

  • MrPowerpuff

    I do agree that the women here do appear very weak willed and Bella is a bitch and about everything else
    Well this was written by a woman not that that’s a bad thing, but the vampires could have been much more…interesting than sparkly prissy vampires
    BTW, I love your impersonation of Edward, it cracks me up every time I hear it.

  • Peteman

    I have a better question: wouldn’t the town have noticed how Edward and his “siblings” not aged a day, despite being physically 17 and in high school for the past 10 years?

  • Peteman

    I have a better question: wouldn’t the town have noticed how Edward and his “siblings” not aged a day, despite being physically 17 and in high school for the past 10 years?

  • Emily

    Oh Spoony, your hate for this movie is a match for my own! Love you and love this.

    Bella is the most poorly developed, self-centered, egotistical little brat who represents all that is wrong with girls today. She has no individual thought of her own, her self-worth is dependent on ONE man, she destroys her life and the lives of the people around her JUST to be with him, she proverbially kicks the guys who could maybe be good for her in the crotch, and she’s supposed to be the paragon of the ROMANTIC FEMALE LEAD.

    … I hate Twilight.

  • Emily

    Oh Spoony, your hate for this movie is a match for my own! Love you and love this.

    Bella is the most poorly developed, self-centered, egotistical little brat who represents all that is wrong with girls today. She has no individual thought of her own, her self-worth is dependent on ONE man, she destroys her life and the lives of the people around her JUST to be with him, she proverbially kicks the guys who could maybe be good for her in the crotch, and she’s supposed to be the paragon of the ROMANTIC FEMALE LEAD.

    … I hate Twilight.

  • Kashizzle

    The thing with Bella is that she’s pretty much a hollow shell that the female viewer/reader to insert themselves into, or something. So every depressed teenage girl in the world can have a beautifully tragic relationship with ‘the perfect guy’. It’s pretty pathetic, on the same level as most fanfiction.

  • Kashizzle

    The thing with Bella is that she’s pretty much a hollow shell that the female viewer/reader to insert themselves into, or something. So every depressed teenage girl in the world can have a beautifully tragic relationship with ‘the perfect guy’. It’s pretty pathetic, on the same level as most fanfiction.

  • Julia

    hey, alright the movie was a fail and the book has it’s faults but you are getting a lot of plot points wrong…a lot, and it’s really bugging me. It is clear that you haven’t read the books or any summaries because half of the “dumb things” you are pointing out actually have some sort of half decent explanation. I would love to list them all but that would be pointless for how many people are actually going to read this.
    So yes it sucked but how did you know that when you clearly don’t understand any of the character motivations???
    In order to criticize the acting you have to know what they are supposed to be doing!!

    btw in reference to a previous comment Bella already has a passport because her mom wanted to get re-married in Hawaii and then changed her mind last minute.

  • Julia

    hey, alright the movie was a fail and the book has it’s faults but you are getting a lot of plot points wrong…a lot, and it’s really bugging me. It is clear that you haven’t read the books or any summaries because half of the “dumb things” you are pointing out actually have some sort of half decent explanation. I would love to list them all but that would be pointless for how many people are actually going to read this.
    So yes it sucked but how did you know that when you clearly don’t understand any of the character motivations???
    In order to criticize the acting you have to know what they are supposed to be doing!!

    btw in reference to a previous comment Bella already has a passport because her mom wanted to get re-married in Hawaii and then changed her mind last minute.

  • http://www.peteristhewolf.com/ bar1scorpio

    Julia – You don’t need a passport to go to Hawaii. It’s part of the United States, last time I checked.

    Nat – He’s not recommending girls watch porn, he’s just comparing it to porn. Because that’s what it is. Lurid meaterial (misspelled “material” initially, then decided it fit better somehow…) designed solely to provoke a base emotional response. The entire book series has nothing to do with the higher functions of the brain.

    The series is about base desire. The fact that it’s written in 1rst-person perspective is proof of that. Bella is your unreliable narrator, waxing on about how IN WUV she is. From her perspective, he’s all hot & junk & stuff & junk. Her perspective is the reader’s perspective. It’s not Bella, but the READER who gets to have these hot & hunky guys fighting over them, doing things for them, pining and throwing themselves into death’s jaws for THEM, not Bella. Bella is a cardboard cutout. The only unfortunate thing is that Stephanie Meyers can’t make a decent male character, either.

    (I’ll invoke Terry Bogard here. Everyone knows he’s a badass. Uses ancient secret martial arts moves to lay waste to organized crime in South Town, and save the world from would-be gods in ancient supernatural armor. But in the Anime, he’s not only drawn 10 times more pretty-boy-esque than his Video Game counterpart, but he has a bad habit of losing girlfriends. Like.. They die. A lot. Like… Dean & Hank Venture have a better track record than Terry Bogard’s girlfriends. And that’s because he’s not SUPPOSED to get the girl. The girl watching the Fatal Fury anime has alpha-female primacy in the sexual rights department to all the tanned, blonde, Kung-Fu hotness that is Terry Bogard. Hence, he falls in love with girl (Lilly McGuire in the first OVA, Sulia Gaudeamus in the movie.), she gets killed, he avenges her dead in bloody fashion, then he mopes, leaving the viewing female to “console” him by buying a life-size cardboard standee of him and running her fingers along his 2D face longingly every morning, (as well as other associated merchandise).)

    So, there is a masturbatory experience to Twilight, but it’s from that raw, wangst-ridden emotion of a teenaged girls utterly immature crush. It’s escapist fantasy where a girl can be as rotten a person as she wants to be, and isn’t only not called out on it, but is continuously rewarded for it.

  • http://www.peteristhewolf.com bar1scorpio

    Julia – You don’t need a passport to go to Hawaii. It’s part of the United States, last time I checked.

    Nat – He’s not recommending girls watch porn, he’s just comparing it to porn. Because that’s what it is. Lurid meaterial (misspelled “material” initially, then decided it fit better somehow…) designed solely to provoke a base emotional response. The entire book series has nothing to do with the higher functions of the brain.

    The series is about base desire. The fact that it’s written in 1rst-person perspective is proof of that. Bella is your unreliable narrator, waxing on about how IN WUV she is. From her perspective, he’s all hot & junk & stuff & junk. Her perspective is the reader’s perspective. It’s not Bella, but the READER who gets to have these hot & hunky guys fighting over them, doing things for them, pining and throwing themselves into death’s jaws for THEM, not Bella. Bella is a cardboard cutout. The only unfortunate thing is that Stephanie Meyers can’t make a decent male character, either.

    (I’ll invoke Terry Bogard here. Everyone knows he’s a badass. Uses ancient secret martial arts moves to lay waste to organized crime in South Town, and save the world from would-be gods in ancient supernatural armor. But in the Anime, he’s not only drawn 10 times more pretty-boy-esque than his Video Game counterpart, but he has a bad habit of losing girlfriends. Like.. They die. A lot. Like… Dean & Hank Venture have a better track record than Terry Bogard’s girlfriends. And that’s because he’s not SUPPOSED to get the girl. The girl watching the Fatal Fury anime has alpha-female primacy in the sexual rights department to all the tanned, blonde, Kung-Fu hotness that is Terry Bogard. Hence, he falls in love with girl (Lilly McGuire in the first OVA, Sulia Gaudeamus in the movie.), she gets killed, he avenges her dead in bloody fashion, then he mopes, leaving the viewing female to “console” him by buying a life-size cardboard standee of him and running her fingers along his 2D face longingly every morning, (as well as other associated merchandise).)

    So, there is a masturbatory experience to Twilight, but it’s from that raw, wangst-ridden emotion of a teenaged girls utterly immature crush. It’s escapist fantasy where a girl can be as rotten a person as she wants to be, and isn’t only not called out on it, but is continuously rewarded for it.

  • LongIsland

    I found it funny that the Super-Duper-League-of-Vampires, worried of Edward exposing himself to sunlight, then bring a 50+ tour guide party right into their lair and slaughter them all.

    Way to keep a low profile there, vampires.

  • LongIsland

    I found it funny that the Super-Duper-League-of-Vampires, worried of Edward exposing himself to sunlight, then bring a 50+ tour guide party right into their lair and slaughter them all.

    Way to keep a low profile there, vampires.

  • Memph

    Jeez… people still talking bout this movie?

    …..THE FUCK OUT THE WAY!!!!

  • Memph

    Jeez… people still talking bout this movie?

    …..THE FUCK OUT THE WAY!!!!

  • http://www.peteristhewolf.com/ bar1scorpio

    @LongIsland – No idea if that’s in the book, at which, it’s a wallbanging moment of idiocy. If they added it to the movie, just to put some semblance of menace (or plot) in, it’s a crowning moment of desperation on the filmmakers’ parts.

  • http://www.peteristhewolf.com bar1scorpio

    @LongIsland – No idea if that’s in the book, at which, it’s a wallbanging moment of idiocy. If they added it to the movie, just to put some semblance of menace (or plot) in, it’s a crowning moment of desperation on the filmmakers’ parts.

  • gypsyvannerfan

    Awesome review Spoony. I had the unfortunate experience of attending the midnight showing for this piece of crap! The only fortunate part was I did not have to pay for this atrocity. My roommate wanted me to go along. I had two requirements. 1) I was NOT paying for it as I wasted money on the first p.o.s. 2) I was permitted to laugh and make fun of it as much as I wanted to.
    I don’t think I paid one iota of attention to the movie, but instead mocked all the fangirls that were crowded into the theater. That at least made my evening go by a lot quicker, but I was still wishing for the end of it all by 25 minutes into the movie.
    Next time I won’t have requirements for me to go…I just WON’T GO!

  • gypsyvannerfan

    Awesome review Spoony. I had the unfortunate experience of attending the midnight showing for this piece of crap! The only fortunate part was I did not have to pay for this atrocity. My roommate wanted me to go along. I had two requirements. 1) I was NOT paying for it as I wasted money on the first p.o.s. 2) I was permitted to laugh and make fun of it as much as I wanted to.
    I don’t think I paid one iota of attention to the movie, but instead mocked all the fangirls that were crowded into the theater. That at least made my evening go by a lot quicker, but I was still wishing for the end of it all by 25 minutes into the movie.
    Next time I won’t have requirements for me to go…I just WON’T GO!

  • http://fatal-rob0t.deviantart.com/ Ehren

    lol I feel bad for you actually watching it in a theatre. I refuse to give money into Meyer’s coffers, well, anymore than I already have on the books. (bought Eclipse and Breaking Dawn to destroy with my trusty red pen. I also think that if you’re going to hate something, you should know everything about what it is you hate.) My friend gave me a link to it online and I watched most of it there, though, of course, it still hadn’t fully loaded. Oh well. Not like I don’t already know the story after reading through the mess that is New Moon.

    I love the fact that you feel the same about Bella that I do. (And yes, the only reason to watch the movie is because of the hot Natives.) The doctor’s name is Carlisle and he’s probably one of the more normal characters. In fact, pretty much everyone in the whole franchise that isn’t Bella or Edward are relatively normal people. The most human people are the non-humans. There is something inherently wrong with that.

    Bella waking up screaming was a nice touch to reveal her insanity, I think. It certainly made me laugh really loudly when I was watching it, though that may be because I happen to know exactly what she was dreaming from the book. She’s dreaming of herself running around the forest and not finding Edward. That dream changes when she sees the house has been vacated entirely and the yard is overgrown to her waking up screaming from that. Then, she has a dream of the meadow that’s not tended anymore and she wakes up screaming from that. All of this is what she is waking up screaming from. Now, you can fully appreciate the total insanity and codependency that is Bella Swan. She wakes up screaming because she can’t have Edward.

    Bella did pay for a lot of the parts that were needed for the bikes and she hung out with Jacob, but yeah, she’s a whore. I recall she was going to use her college fund for some of that and then pay for her tickets to Italy with the rest of it to save Edward. Alice, of course, has more money than God so she paid for the tickets easily.

    And all four books are supposed to be comparable to a classic book or story. Twilight is compared to Pride and Prejudice, New Moon is compared to Romeo and Juliet, Eclipse is compared to Wuthering Heights and Breaking Dawn is compared to…. I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter, though. Meyer likes to hammer all that in with a fucking sledgehammer the size of Washington state. Everywhere there are hints to it as if saying “see? This is what I thought of while writing this! This is what this is supposed to be like! Edward is Romeo and Bella is Juliet! Edward is Mr. Darcy and Bella is Elizabeth Bennet! See? Their love is so true and pure and meant to be! See!!?!” The movie hammering that home just makes me laugh all the more because I know for a fact how much Meyer uses references to those things. Someone pointed out that Edward and Bella really are a lot like the characters from Wuthering Heights and that Wuthering Heights is not a romance, but a horror story of HATE.

    And I won’t say anything against poor Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart now. Robert is clearly trying to get out of these movies, or at least not trying to look pleased with it at all. He’s openly called the story some person’s wet dream, called Meyer mad and the fangirls frighten him. Kristen Stewart, meanwhile, has been photographed smoking pot out in the open. I do think that would be the reason why she looks stoned through the movies. You sort of need to be. She also tries to get lines changed when they’re too corny. I’ve seen a lot of these Twihards screaming about how Kristen Stewart is such a bitch and doesn’t deserve the part of Bella because she doesn’t do the lines given to her the way they’re supposed to be done.

    And the whole gays and Meyer understanding them thing. Oh ho no. She doesn’t get that, believe me. The werewolves are the way they are because they’re going by the pack. (Believe me, I still make jokes about Sam turning the boys gay with his amazing cock.) Also, Quil and Embry didn’t come into the work shop shirtless, though they spend the rest of the movie afterward without their shirts. You want some awesome joke material then you should read New Moon. It hurts to read it, but the lulzy material in it is priceless. Like, Jacob spends a lot of time saying that the boys all do whatever Sam tells them to. Quil disappears for two weeks and then he suddenly follows Sam around like he’s the greatest thing ever. Then Embry disappears for two weeks and he’s suddenly following around Sam too. And then Jacob keeps going “He’s going to come for me next. I know it.” It just screams Sam is a gay pedophile or some shit like that. It’s hilarious. And when they fursplode, they do indeed rip up their clothes and render them useless. Jacob ended up having to walk around bearfoot at some point because he ruined all his shoes doing that.

    Alice saw Bella jump off the cliff, but didn’t see her rescued because she can’t apparently see anything regarding the wolfpack at all. It has something to do with the fact that the wolfpack only thinks in the now so anything they plan to do or anything they think they’re going to do doesn’t come up, because they change their minds instantly. It’s stupid, but it’s necessary to understand that Alice can’t see them and so whenever Bella is around them Alice can’t see Bella and her future path anymore. Alice went to see if Bella was all right. Meanwhile, Edward thinks Bella’s dead because Rosalie told him that Alice saw Bella jump off a cliff and he calls Bella’s house asking for Bella’s dad, Jacob answers and says Charlie isn’t there because he’s planning a funeral and thus Edward believes Bella is dead. So then he goes to the Volturi to plead for them to kill him, but that doesn’t go through because they want a piece of his sparkly ass too, so he decides he’s going to come up with a way to kill himself. Meanwhile, Bella and Alice book it to Italy and Alice steals a Porsche to drive at break neck speeds to Volterra where the celebration is taking place in honor of the three founders of Volterra who drove out the vampires. Edward tries to commit Sparklecide, fails because of Bella and blah blah blah, you know the rest on that.

    What kills me that the more depressed she looks the more she looks like a starlet. The only time she looks like a mess is when she got wet. Oh, and Meyer’s explanation, I kid you not, for Bella being so unreadable: She has a private mind. Straight from Meyer’s FAQ section of her site. Seriously, look through it. It’s a gold mine of WTF’ry.

  • http://fatal-rob0t.deviantart.com Ehren

    lol I feel bad for you actually watching it in a theatre. I refuse to give money into Meyer’s coffers, well, anymore than I already have on the books. (bought Eclipse and Breaking Dawn to destroy with my trusty red pen. I also think that if you’re going to hate something, you should know everything about what it is you hate.) My friend gave me a link to it online and I watched most of it there, though, of course, it still hadn’t fully loaded. Oh well. Not like I don’t already know the story after reading through the mess that is New Moon.

    I love the fact that you feel the same about Bella that I do. (And yes, the only reason to watch the movie is because of the hot Natives.) The doctor’s name is Carlisle and he’s probably one of the more normal characters. In fact, pretty much everyone in the whole franchise that isn’t Bella or Edward are relatively normal people. The most human people are the non-humans. There is something inherently wrong with that.

    Bella waking up screaming was a nice touch to reveal her insanity, I think. It certainly made me laugh really loudly when I was watching it, though that may be because I happen to know exactly what she was dreaming from the book. She’s dreaming of herself running around the forest and not finding Edward. That dream changes when she sees the house has been vacated entirely and the yard is overgrown to her waking up screaming from that. Then, she has a dream of the meadow that’s not tended anymore and she wakes up screaming from that. All of this is what she is waking up screaming from. Now, you can fully appreciate the total insanity and codependency that is Bella Swan. She wakes up screaming because she can’t have Edward.

    Bella did pay for a lot of the parts that were needed for the bikes and she hung out with Jacob, but yeah, she’s a whore. I recall she was going to use her college fund for some of that and then pay for her tickets to Italy with the rest of it to save Edward. Alice, of course, has more money than God so she paid for the tickets easily.

    And all four books are supposed to be comparable to a classic book or story. Twilight is compared to Pride and Prejudice, New Moon is compared to Romeo and Juliet, Eclipse is compared to Wuthering Heights and Breaking Dawn is compared to…. I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter, though. Meyer likes to hammer all that in with a fucking sledgehammer the size of Washington state. Everywhere there are hints to it as if saying “see? This is what I thought of while writing this! This is what this is supposed to be like! Edward is Romeo and Bella is Juliet! Edward is Mr. Darcy and Bella is Elizabeth Bennet! See? Their love is so true and pure and meant to be! See!!?!” The movie hammering that home just makes me laugh all the more because I know for a fact how much Meyer uses references to those things. Someone pointed out that Edward and Bella really are a lot like the characters from Wuthering Heights and that Wuthering Heights is not a romance, but a horror story of HATE.

    And I won’t say anything against poor Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart now. Robert is clearly trying to get out of these movies, or at least not trying to look pleased with it at all. He’s openly called the story some person’s wet dream, called Meyer mad and the fangirls frighten him. Kristen Stewart, meanwhile, has been photographed smoking pot out in the open. I do think that would be the reason why she looks stoned through the movies. You sort of need to be. She also tries to get lines changed when they’re too corny. I’ve seen a lot of these Twihards screaming about how Kristen Stewart is such a bitch and doesn’t deserve the part of Bella because she doesn’t do the lines given to her the way they’re supposed to be done.

    And the whole gays and Meyer understanding them thing. Oh ho no. She doesn’t get that, believe me. The werewolves are the way they are because they’re going by the pack. (Believe me, I still make jokes about Sam turning the boys gay with his amazing cock.) Also, Quil and Embry didn’t come into the work shop shirtless, though they spend the rest of the movie afterward without their shirts. You want some awesome joke material then you should read New Moon. It hurts to read it, but the lulzy material in it is priceless. Like, Jacob spends a lot of time saying that the boys all do whatever Sam tells them to. Quil disappears for two weeks and then he suddenly follows Sam around like he’s the greatest thing ever. Then Embry disappears for two weeks and he’s suddenly following around Sam too. And then Jacob keeps going “He’s going to come for me next. I know it.” It just screams Sam is a gay pedophile or some shit like that. It’s hilarious. And when they fursplode, they do indeed rip up their clothes and render them useless. Jacob ended up having to walk around bearfoot at some point because he ruined all his shoes doing that.

    Alice saw Bella jump off the cliff, but didn’t see her rescued because she can’t apparently see anything regarding the wolfpack at all. It has something to do with the fact that the wolfpack only thinks in the now so anything they plan to do or anything they think they’re going to do doesn’t come up, because they change their minds instantly. It’s stupid, but it’s necessary to understand that Alice can’t see them and so whenever Bella is around them Alice can’t see Bella and her future path anymore. Alice went to see if Bella was all right. Meanwhile, Edward thinks Bella’s dead because Rosalie told him that Alice saw Bella jump off a cliff and he calls Bella’s house asking for Bella’s dad, Jacob answers and says Charlie isn’t there because he’s planning a funeral and thus Edward believes Bella is dead. So then he goes to the Volturi to plead for them to kill him, but that doesn’t go through because they want a piece of his sparkly ass too, so he decides he’s going to come up with a way to kill himself. Meanwhile, Bella and Alice book it to Italy and Alice steals a Porsche to drive at break neck speeds to Volterra where the celebration is taking place in honor of the three founders of Volterra who drove out the vampires. Edward tries to commit Sparklecide, fails because of Bella and blah blah blah, you know the rest on that.

    What kills me that the more depressed she looks the more she looks like a starlet. The only time she looks like a mess is when she got wet. Oh, and Meyer’s explanation, I kid you not, for Bella being so unreadable: She has a private mind. Straight from Meyer’s FAQ section of her site. Seriously, look through it. It’s a gold mine of WTF’ry.

  • Anonymous

    That’s why Twilight is popular – because it’s a gross, misogynistic, pathetic representation of what girls in Amerikkka are supposed to be.

    Meyer is a hack, Bella should be burned at the stake, Hollywood should suck rat poison, America should be bombed into the stone ages, and the human race should be reset for having not only produced this crap but rewarded it. We aren’t scraping the bottom of the barrel – we’ve broken right through and we’ve dug through China.

  • poisontongue

    That’s why Twilight is popular – because it’s a gross, misogynistic, pathetic representation of what girls in Amerikkka are supposed to be.

    Meyer is a hack, Bella should be burned at the stake, Hollywood should suck rat poison, America should be bombed into the stone ages, and the human race should be reset for having not only produced this crap but rewarded it. We aren’t scraping the bottom of the barrel – we’ve broken right through and we’ve dug through China.

  • Melanie♪

    Yes! Yes yes yes!
    (What happens now is I go on a rant)

    Ugh, I completely hated New Moon as a book. It took me months to read, just because it was so BORING. The thing I hate most in any series; FILLER. And that’s what New Moon was. It was filler.

    No, I didn’t see the movie, so I guess I shouldn’t be trashing on it. But from what I’ve heard, it was just like the book; long, boring, annoying, pointless, did I mention LONG?

    Now, for something that probably doesn’t shock you: I USED TO BE A TWILIGHT FAN. USED TO. But, I never went gaga over some undead vampire boy (/werewolf -.-). I used to kind of indentify with Bella (like the girls are supposed to do) but then it just sort of… got to New Moon. I did finish the series, and Breaking Dawn had a pretty interesting plot, even if the scenario was ridiculous.
    The point here:
    For the most part, I don’t hate Twilight itself. What I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE is the FANDOM. Fangirls here, fangirls there, Team Edward here, Team Jacob there, (what happened to Team Switzerland anyways?) and then there’s fangirls for every other boy in the series… -.- ANNOYING.

    Another great thing about Twilight:
    THOSE ARE NOT VAMPIRES. DAMN IT, VAMPIRES ARE MURDEROUS BLOODTHIRSTY AND INHUMAN. I understand the whole point of the series is that the Cullens are this “other breed” of vampire, but… Gah, I just don’t get what’s so great about it. I like the idea that vampires can NOT restrain themselves when it comes to blood (which throws out the idea of Bella still being alive by New Moon) and that vampires slowly burn alive in sunlight (which throw out the idea of Edward also being alive by New Moon). You all remember that whole “sparkly scene” from Twilight, right? Yeah, that.
    I like my “alternate breed vampires” like they make ‘em in Karin.

    Last paragraph, I swear, but I have to say this:
    FANGIRLS OF ACTORS (= Twilight fangirls) ARE THE MOST PATHETIC. And I would know.
    (anime fangirl speaking)
    Fangirls of actors are even more hopeless. Okay, points for being obsessed with a real guy, but tell me, what do you get beyond publicly released stuff? NOTHING. With anime you get the anime itself, then fanart (which can sometimes be good), then fanfiction (which can sometimes be good, or you can write it yourself to fulfill your selfish desires), then yaoi pairings if you like. Besides, anime has a better plot than reality, and there’s a soundtrack constantly. And what about guys in regular books? Well, if the author feels like it, sometimes you get an absolutely FABULOUS description of the character… I’m just saying that it’s not worth the effort of all those fangirl screams, and besides they give me headaches.

    And NOW I’m finally done. Thank you, whoever you are, for reading my ameteur rant against Twilight and a variety of loosely related things. TwT

  • Melanie♪

    Yes! Yes yes yes!
    (What happens now is I go on a rant)

    Ugh, I completely hated New Moon as a book. It took me months to read, just because it was so BORING. The thing I hate most in any series; FILLER. And that’s what New Moon was. It was filler.

    No, I didn’t see the movie, so I guess I shouldn’t be trashing on it. But from what I’ve heard, it was just like the book; long, boring, annoying, pointless, did I mention LONG?

    Now, for something that probably doesn’t shock you: I USED TO BE A TWILIGHT FAN. USED TO. But, I never went gaga over some undead vampire boy (/werewolf -.-). I used to kind of indentify with Bella (like the girls are supposed to do) but then it just sort of… got to New Moon. I did finish the series, and Breaking Dawn had a pretty interesting plot, even if the scenario was ridiculous.
    The point here:
    For the most part, I don’t hate Twilight itself. What I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE is the FANDOM. Fangirls here, fangirls there, Team Edward here, Team Jacob there, (what happened to Team Switzerland anyways?) and then there’s fangirls for every other boy in the series… -.- ANNOYING.

    Another great thing about Twilight:
    THOSE ARE NOT VAMPIRES. DAMN IT, VAMPIRES ARE MURDEROUS BLOODTHIRSTY AND INHUMAN. I understand the whole point of the series is that the Cullens are this “other breed” of vampire, but… Gah, I just don’t get what’s so great about it. I like the idea that vampires can NOT restrain themselves when it comes to blood (which throws out the idea of Bella still being alive by New Moon) and that vampires slowly burn alive in sunlight (which throw out the idea of Edward also being alive by New Moon). You all remember that whole “sparkly scene” from Twilight, right? Yeah, that.
    I like my “alternate breed vampires” like they make ‘em in Karin.

    Last paragraph, I swear, but I have to say this:
    FANGIRLS OF ACTORS (= Twilight fangirls) ARE THE MOST PATHETIC. And I would know.
    (anime fangirl speaking)
    Fangirls of actors are even more hopeless. Okay, points for being obsessed with a real guy, but tell me, what do you get beyond publicly released stuff? NOTHING. With anime you get the anime itself, then fanart (which can sometimes be good), then fanfiction (which can sometimes be good, or you can write it yourself to fulfill your selfish desires), then yaoi pairings if you like. Besides, anime has a better plot than reality, and there’s a soundtrack constantly. And what about guys in regular books? Well, if the author feels like it, sometimes you get an absolutely FABULOUS description of the character… I’m just saying that it’s not worth the effort of all those fangirl screams, and besides they give me headaches.

    And NOW I’m finally done. Thank you, whoever you are, for reading my ameteur rant against Twilight and a variety of loosely related things. TwT

  • Anonymous

    You know, proper authors spend at least three years to write a single book. Meyers spent three months. I’m studying at university to become an author myself. I’ll have noble dragons, humans, humanoid creatures and vampires in my story…I wont give the plot away to avoid anyone stealing my ideas, but I’m sure you’ll like it.

    Dont worry everyone, I’ll help repair the damage done by Meyers…The vampires in my stories WONT sparkle in sunlight at all…Instead, they’ll either become severely weakened and their skin burns black, or they’ll just burst into flames and die. Their leader however, who’s a demi-god and is a extremely brutal dictator who loves torturing people so much that he weeps with joy at their agony, is immune to sunlight, and he also cant be killed at all unless he suicides with his own weapon. Give me three years…I’ll get my novels published and hopefully help fix this problem.

    GJN

  • The Shamster

    You know, proper authors spend at least three years to write a single book. Meyers spent three months. I’m studying at university to become an author myself. I’ll have noble dragons, humans, humanoid creatures and vampires in my story…I wont give the plot away to avoid anyone stealing my ideas, but I’m sure you’ll like it.

    Dont worry everyone, I’ll help repair the damage done by Meyers…The vampires in my stories WONT sparkle in sunlight at all…Instead, they’ll either become severely weakened and their skin burns black, or they’ll just burst into flames and die. Their leader however, who’s a demi-god and is a extremely brutal dictator who loves torturing people so much that he weeps with joy at their agony, is immune to sunlight, and he also cant be killed at all unless he suicides with his own weapon. Give me three years…I’ll get my novels published and hopefully help fix this problem.

    GJN

  • Webby

    Well i got talked into going to see this movie… and Spoony, you were right. It was at the same time incredibly painful and painfully funny. I wonder why i didn’t get kicked out of the theater for all the riffing i did and the laughter i instigated in my friends. As you said, it’s a great comedy, but it blows in every other aspect. I’m sort of glad i went to see it though. It’s the biggest laugh i’ve had all year.

  • Webby

    Well i got talked into going to see this movie… and Spoony, you were right. It was at the same time incredibly painful and painfully funny. I wonder why i didn’t get kicked out of the theater for all the riffing i did and the laughter i instigated in my friends. As you said, it’s a great comedy, but it blows in every other aspect. I’m sort of glad i went to see it though. It’s the biggest laugh i’ve had all year.

  • http://optimussean.wordpress.com/ Sean

    As much as I hated the first movie (and novel) and the idea of “good” vampires who sparkle and are “vegetarian” I actually liked the movie for the Werewolves, even if they were homoerotic and into unusual…”wrestling.” And come on, who doesn’t love seeing the dude who played Colossus chokeslam sissy boy Edward?
    But yeah, Bella was a totally bland, selfish, self-centered Mary Sue and it’s pretty amazing Jacob put up with all that for such an average and bland person who was a cocktease for the most part. I agree with you there. And the Vampires were lame though I did the like the psychotic Dakota Fanning Vampire. She was cool as was the big dumb Vamp played by the guy who played Colossus in X2 and X3. The leader of the Volturi was a total Dr. Insano! I totally agree with you there. I really couldn’t help but laugh because I kept thinking of Dr. Insano reciting that dialogue. But yeah, not an Oscar piece but cool for the Werewolf effects and the action parts and a good unintentional laugh here and there (I got glares for laughing when Edward was doing the slo-mo beefcake walk out of his car).

  • http://optimussean.wordpress.com/ Sean

    As much as I hated the first movie (and novel) and the idea of “good” vampires who sparkle and are “vegetarian” I actually liked the movie for the Werewolves, even if they were homoerotic and into unusual…”wrestling.” And come on, who doesn’t love seeing the dude who played Colossus chokeslam sissy boy Edward?
    But yeah, Bella was a totally bland, selfish, self-centered Mary Sue and it’s pretty amazing Jacob put up with all that for such an average and bland person who was a cocktease for the most part. I agree with you there. And the Vampires were lame though I did the like the psychotic Dakota Fanning Vampire. She was cool as was the big dumb Vamp played by the guy who played Colossus in X2 and X3. The leader of the Volturi was a total Dr. Insano! I totally agree with you there. I really couldn’t help but laugh because I kept thinking of Dr. Insano reciting that dialogue. But yeah, not an Oscar piece but cool for the Werewolf effects and the action parts and a good unintentional laugh here and there (I got glares for laughing when Edward was doing the slo-mo beefcake walk out of his car).

  • CleverConveyence

    The soundtrack is the worst part? Wha? It’s an indie pop/rock wet dream. Editors? Band of Skulls? Black Rebel Motorcyle Club? The Grizz? Bon Iver AND St Vincent…IN A DUET? Fuckin’ A, sign me up!

    Everything else stands, though. What a godawful insipid series.

  • CleverConveyence

    The soundtrack is the worst part? Wha? It’s an indie pop/rock wet dream. Editors? Band of Skulls? Black Rebel Motorcyle Club? The Grizz? Bon Iver AND St Vincent…IN A DUET? Fuckin’ A, sign me up!

    Everything else stands, though. What a godawful insipid series.

  • Zoraman

    I just have one question, and I don’t know if anyone had already pointed that.

    Soo.. the werewolves don’t use shirts because the shirts will be destroyed, right?
    Then, why in the name of sanity, Bruce Banner don’t go everywhere shirtless?

    (If I had some English errors, sorry, I’m Brazilian)

  • Zoraman

    I just have one question, and I don’t know if anyone had already pointed that.

    Soo.. the werewolves don’t use shirts because the shirts will be destroyed, right?
    Then, why in the name of sanity, Bruce Banner don’t go everywhere shirtless?

    (If I had some English errors, sorry, I’m Brazilian)

  • Ivdar

    Bruce Banner’s doesn’t stay shirtless all the time because he’s a nerdy scientist running and hiding for his life, not a beefcake American-Indian posing for the fangirls. He needs to blend in, to hide the fact that he’s the Hulk ; he also does NOT want to go into smash-mode, unlike the werewolves, whose shape-shifting is a natural, instinctive process.

    And also because the Incredible Hulk’s various incarnations in comic books and movies are MILES away from Twilight in terms of quality.

  • Ivdar

    Bruce Banner’s doesn’t stay shirtless all the time because he’s a nerdy scientist running and hiding for his life, not a beefcake American-Indian posing for the fangirls. He needs to blend in, to hide the fact that he’s the Hulk ; he also does NOT want to go into smash-mode, unlike the werewolves, whose shape-shifting is a natural, instinctive process.

    And also because the Incredible Hulk’s various incarnations in comic books and movies are MILES away from Twilight in terms of quality.

  • http://www.wrestlecrap.com Triple Kelly

    What can I say? All your points are spot on. Bella Sue truly is a wretched excuse for a fictional (I hope) human being. And sparkling Emo vampires must diiiieeee!!

  • http://www.wrestlecrap.com/ Triple Kelly

    What can I say? All your points are spot on. Bella Sue truly is a wretched excuse for a fictional (I hope) human being. And sparkling Emo vampires must diiiieeee!!

  • Anonymous

    This comic will make you laugh at the sparkily vampire wanna-be’s!

    http://www.hookiedookiepanic.com/geist/pics/58.jpg

  • The Shamster

    This comic will make you laugh at the sparkily vampire wanna-be’s!

    http://www.hookiedookiepanic.com/geist/pics/58.jpg

  • Dragonqueen

    is just me does Noah impression of Edward kinds sound like Dr. Frank N. Furte form rocky horror picture show?

  • Dragonqueen

    is just me does Noah impression of Edward kinds sound like Dr. Frank N. Furte form rocky horror picture show?

  • http://www.chaoslevel.com/vic/ Vic

    I totally agree.
    and here is my point of view of the movie
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llqekPAobgY

  • http://www.chaoslevel.com/vic/ Vic

    I totally agree.
    and here is my point of view of the movie
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llqekPAobgY

  • Nina

    I think you’re giving Stephenie Meyer a little too much credit here… Seriously, the werewolves are just werewolves :P

  • Nina

    I think you’re giving Stephenie Meyer a little too much credit here… Seriously, the werewolves are just werewolves :P

  • ker-plop

    Heh heh… For being over 45 minutes, this was a very entertaining review. Keep up the good work.

  • ker-plop

    Heh heh… For being over 45 minutes, this was a very entertaining review. Keep up the good work.

  • NeRo

    Fuck Twilight

  • NeRo

    Fuck Twilight

  • Dudey

    NeRo – *pat on back* You just managed to compress the whole issue into 2 words

  • Dudey

    NeRo – *pat on back* You just managed to compress the whole issue into 2 words

  • Tildessmoo

    And somehow I can’t get the girls in my life to understand precisely what you’ve been saying. I’ll have to see if I can make them sit down and watch this review. Maybe we should’ve called it “There’s Something (But God Only Knows What) About Bella?” Nah, you’re right, “New Moon” does fit perfectly.

    Incidentally, when you pondered if Pattinson’s acting was to blame for Edward always seeming to be in pain, well… I’ll just let Pattinson answer for me: (on Twilight) “The more I read about this guy the more I hated him, so that’s how I played him—as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus he’s a hundred-year-old virgin, so he’s obviously got some issues there.”

  • Tildessmoo

    And somehow I can’t get the girls in my life to understand precisely what you’ve been saying. I’ll have to see if I can make them sit down and watch this review. Maybe we should’ve called it “There’s Something (But God Only Knows What) About Bella?” Nah, you’re right, “New Moon” does fit perfectly.

    Incidentally, when you pondered if Pattinson’s acting was to blame for Edward always seeming to be in pain, well… I’ll just let Pattinson answer for me: (on Twilight) “The more I read about this guy the more I hated him, so that’s how I played him—as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus he’s a hundred-year-old virgin, so he’s obviously got some issues there.”

  • Mykal Graves

    Wow. I sat through this to win girlfriend points. got like 3 bazillion, (for those of you that dont know about girlfriend points, get a girlfriend, then do something she wants you to do but you really dont. then a week later, get her to do something she doesnt want to do, and when she pisses and moans remind her of e.g. sitting through New Moon.) Though hilariously enough she hated it as much as i did. We both, literally went, just because the wolves looked kick ass. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT! On top of that we went to the cheap theatre in pasadena tx, the hollywood 20, if anyone is around here they know about it for the 2.75 matinee instead of 7 fucking dollars at Cinemark. so that means im surrounded by twitards with gangsta boyfriends, and one of them actually kicked my seat when i laughed at the screen. so i told him keep it up i liked my ghetto massage chair and he got pissed. at the end of the film he confronted me in the halls. i put my girlfriend behind me, shes screaming at him and he tells me to “shut my bitch up” Im a short but heavyset guy. Like a linebacker, and just like one I rail him against the wall and lift his hat with the tag still on it wearin ass and popped him in the gut, dropped him then kicked him in the ribs as hard as I could. By now his girl got a hold of my girl, i grabbed her by her fake fur coat and pushed with all my weight(226lbs squeezed into a 5’6” frame.) next to her boyfriend. she fell then got up and I told her stay down, I dont hit girls but shes growing a dick really fast. then her boyfriend got up and I hay makered his ass in the forehead and he fell down. Needless to say I enjoyed my day in jail, and got released the next day. Got a lawyer and await the trial for beating up a ghetto twitard.

  • Mykal Graves

    Wow. I sat through this to win girlfriend points. got like 3 bazillion, (for those of you that dont know about girlfriend points, get a girlfriend, then do something she wants you to do but you really dont. then a week later, get her to do something she doesnt want to do, and when she pisses and moans remind her of e.g. sitting through New Moon.) Though hilariously enough she hated it as much as i did. We both, literally went, just because the wolves looked kick ass. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT! On top of that we went to the cheap theatre in pasadena tx, the hollywood 20, if anyone is around here they know about it for the 2.75 matinee instead of 7 fucking dollars at Cinemark. so that means im surrounded by twitards with gangsta boyfriends, and one of them actually kicked my seat when i laughed at the screen. so i told him keep it up i liked my ghetto massage chair and he got pissed. at the end of the film he confronted me in the halls. i put my girlfriend behind me, shes screaming at him and he tells me to “shut my bitch up” Im a short but heavyset guy. Like a linebacker, and just like one I rail him against the wall and lift his hat with the tag still on it wearin ass and popped him in the gut, dropped him then kicked him in the ribs as hard as I could. By now his girl got a hold of my girl, i grabbed her by her fake fur coat and pushed with all my weight(226lbs squeezed into a 5’6” frame.) next to her boyfriend. she fell then got up and I told her stay down, I dont hit girls but shes growing a dick really fast. then her boyfriend got up and I hay makered his ass in the forehead and he fell down. Needless to say I enjoyed my day in jail, and got released the next day. Got a lawyer and await the trial for beating up a ghetto twitard.

  • Bobbay

    The soundtrack is the greatest! Not with the movie, obviously. Lyrical songs as a score for a movie is just…just…stupid. But seriously, the songs are awesome.

  • Bobbay

    The soundtrack is the greatest! Not with the movie, obviously. Lyrical songs as a score for a movie is just…just…stupid. But seriously, the songs are awesome.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brian-Zanfini/790431483 Brian Zanfini

    haha! awesome review spoony, this movie blowed so much and your entire review proved weven more how horrible this piece of shit is really..unless your watching it for comedy which i doubt is what they were going for

  • Ran88

    The sound track was the only thing in this movie that i liked. Other than that this movie was hilariously bad. Me and one of my friends saw it and we had a blast riffing on it. Still I will say that its better than twilight (not really an acomplishment) because stuff did happen in this movie. Stupid nonsensical stuff but stuff nonetheless.

    Also wtf happens to the werewolves pants when they transform?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jesse-Custer/763733997 Jesse Custer

    You really got into this movie.

  • tfguy49

    i saw this shity movie and it was the worst FUCKING movie have ever seen. the girl seems to be ignoring whats his face when he shows up so what is she doing? and she is really messing with the werewolf guy, leading him on and like teasing him. and the ending, there is tension of cores shes going to say yes there's no reason she would, she was bitching about him being gone the whole fucking movie.

  • SkullCrusher

    If I had to play Edward, I would be in constant, horrible pain too.

  • SkullCrusher

    If I had to play Edward, I would be in constant, horrible pain too.

  • tfguy49

    .i saw this shity movie and it was the worst FUCKING movie have ever seen. the girl seems to be ignoring whats his face when he shows up so what is she doing? and she is really messing with the werewolf guy, leading him on and like teasing him. and the ending, there is NO tension of cores shes going to say yes there's no reason she wouldn't, she was bitching about him being gone the whole fucking movie.

  • http://bluehighwind.blogspot.com/ BlueHighwind

    Spoony, the Dr. Insano Italian vampire dude almost makes me want to watch this movie!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Henry-Sloan/1130104114 Henry Sloan

    i just keep waiting for henry rowland to come in and drop kick the fuck out of edward

  • devilfish

    You know, I really don't like being angry and frustrated so I have pretty much avoided the need to vent my rage at this stupid, stupid series on the net, but now that I found those sexist, emo, whiny books in my sister's room I'm just about to blow. I can deal with the fact that it reads like cringe-worthy Queen of the Damned fanfiction, I can even deal with the emo whining, but I cannot get over the blatant sexism. Bella is a terrible role model, for all the reasons mentioned above. I'm appalled at what feminism has become. Objectifying men is not the way forward, you sniveling bitches! Fuck the shirtless werewolves and fuck needy, greedy, woe-be-me Bella. She is the worst thing a woman can be: needy, worthless without a man and still managing to be insanely sexist. I kept hoping for her to man the fuck up, grow a pair and get a hobby, and that could be the point of the series, but no. Sick bitch is digging a hole deep enough to bury everything classy ladies like my grandmother fought so hard to achieve.

    I grew up with the worst female role models. For the longest time, way into my teens, I sort of assumed that the best and only way to experience love was to basically whore myself out, physically and emotionally, and shut the fuck up. I wizened up, thankfully, but that sort of bullshit leaves scars.

    I do not want my little sister reading these books and watching these movies. No way in hell am I telling her what to do and if there's one thing I hate more than sexism is censorship, so the best I can do is read them myself (ugh) and talk to her about them. But there's a lot of girls out there who don't ave mothers and sisters (and fathers and brothers) who care enough to place things into perspective and point out where these stories fail. Hard.

    I never thought I'd say this, and I hope to god I'm just being a drama whore about it, but I really think these books, now that they're so popular, are dangerous.

    [/rant]

  • Jorda75

    Twilight is just total garbage. I could go on and on but Spoony said it as good as I can, don't waste your time with this garbage, there are better vampire romance novels and movies, hell there's better vampire romance fan ficion out there! This is the worst thing that has happened to vampires since garlic bread.

  • TheLangler

    Right on SpoonyOne, I went to see New Moon on opening night with a friend PURELY TO RIP ON IT. It was incredible. We sat in the back row yelling at the screen, and by the end of the movie, we had about fave other guys sitting with us absolutely tearing new assholes. I'm glad to see you were able to see how fucking amazing an oporunity this movie is for people who can appreciate trash and laugh off absolutely PAINFUL sexism and shittiness.

  • penisenvy

    One of my friends made an interesting point about Twilight: I guess Stephanie Meyer is Mormon, and my friend thinks this is the reason why Bella is portrayed as such a helpless little girl.
    I suppose that would make sense, considering all of the Mormon girls I have known are literally mothers/housewives before they are even old enough to drink.

  • HomeExplosion

    This is one of the funniest reviews I've ever seen.

  • http://twitter.com/phate_phoenix Sam

    I loved this review. Now I know what to expect after my mother buys this movie and guilts me into watching it with her. You've probably just made this experience way less traumatizing that it would have been. :D

  • CultconXIX

    Wau.
    Just…wau.
    I feel so privileged to NOT have seen any of these films or reading a single word beyond the front cover of the books
    I can feel your inner pain man. Hope you can live with it.

  • ryuutakeshi

    Noah, man, I'm sorry to say this but a lot of your questions will be answered in the coming films… and you will hate them. The series really doesn't get better. Eclipse really is the best that it gets novel wise, but I can't see even that happening with the films. so, if and when you review Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, bring more of that A&W because dude, you will hate it. I don't watch the movies because of how bad they are. They're quassi-mediocre at best.

    Good review, well said, great points. I'm sorry you had to suffer through it but at least you got some laughs. Just know the next set… not any better.

  • pharaoh025

    “Your nose is bleeding, let me take my underpants off”

    You just think about that sentence for a second…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrew-Millman/774036933 Andrew Millman

    I'm surprised you were even able to stomach watching this movie, I'm lucky in the fact I haven't, nor ever plan, see this “movie”. So thanks for ensuring me that this would be a waste of time in seeing, also was entertained that you were able to get any entertainment from the experience. But this movie does help make these enjoyable vlog/review.

    Although I fear for you sir, the next movie might destroy you simply because I see it getting worse not better. RUN SPOONY RUNNN

  • http://www.facebook.com/charles.m.lord Mitchell Lord

    Spoony DID say people could find better things on the internet…And he's right. You want vampire porn?

    http://www.vampyou.com

    Here's your vampire porn. No sparkles, mostly girls. Have fun. Don't do Twilight.

  • mxy2

    Thank you so much. I love this movie and book series though I only got through the first two. I mean I fucking love it. I have never laughed so hard in a movie and I'm so happy that you brought up how disgustingly selfish she is when it comes to other people's emotions because many people miss that. By the way, I'm a girl and I have to say Edward both in the books and in the movies is so unattractive. Honestly, he is described as marble, cold, and hard, which is disgusting. Also the guy that plays wolf-boy is a bit too muscle-y for me. So yeah, for me none of the guys are really attractive. Anyway, great review. I actually laughed out loud which I almost never do when I'm alone.

  • r1fo

    I think it's safer to say that the movie really got under his skin. I think you can actually see Spoony's veins throbbing in anger at various parts of the video.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=660601513 facebook-660601513

    “and apperently Bella, being an 18 year old girl has a passport”

    Heh. I think I got my first passport when I was like 5-8 years old. If not earlier. And I don't think this is very unusual in my country or in the rest of Europe.

  • witheringsanity

    would just make her nose bleed even more, if ya get what i mean ^_~

  • pharaoh025

    I do, which is scary in and of itself.

  • guardian91

    I think Twilight itself is a Vampire crime
    I think the reboot of the Blade films should start with him killing Edward fingers crossed.

  • melissia

    Twilight is vampire propoganda that lets them have a legion of drooling idiots to feed off of any time they want.

    But I bet even they kinda don't want to deal with twilight fans.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eric-Mc/100000152293904 Eric Mc

    Spoony you know the Vampires are the writers take on Mormonism too,

  • theforetoldlegend

    I would've rather spent $9.00 to have somone hit me for three hours than watch this movie again.

  • Xarkunshadow919

    Robert Patterson only signed on to the Twilight movies to hit on the lead actress. After the next one comes out, he’s out of there. He really doesn’t want to be there, and really hates what he is doing. It’s probably why he looks constipated all the time.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/EYS7DRELUQYG2QCWFUAIAI5BCE Anonymous

    hell yes she does need help. Bella is in fact crazy. Edward's a crazy pedo-stalker, Jacob's a pedo. The fans are homicidal. Nuff said

  • http://twitter.com/Tempered_rose Sarah Kate

    You are God. FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN. But you are so damn right XD

  • http://twitter.com/Nefferbeth Elizabeth Kohl

    Spoony, you watch the bad movies so I don't have to and for that, I love you. I knew I was not going to like it as soon as I heard of its existence. Vampires and werewolves have been done and they had been done better without emo gap kids. I just cannot bring myself to watch it. You condense the movie into a 30 minute tirade that is entertaining and now ensures I will never feel the need to see it. Thank you for saving me from that.

  • http://twitter.com/Nefferbeth Elizabeth Kohl

    Spoony, you watch the bad movies so I don't have to and for that, I love you. I knew I was not going to like it as soon as I heard of its existence. Vampires and werewolves have been done and they had been done better without emo gap kids. I just cannot bring myself to watch it. You condense the movie into a 30 minute tirade that is entertaining and now ensures I will never feel the need to see it. Thank you for saving me from that.

  • theshamster

    It gets worse Spoony….Apparently they're going to make “Breaking Dawn” a two-parter, just like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

    The thing is that “Deathly Hallows” NEEDS to be two films (heck, every film from book 4 onwards should have been two parters) because it has so much in it.

    “Breaking Dawn” however, has nothing…just vampire marries girl…fucks her and shoots his boling venom cum into her…she gets pregnant VERY fast (what? how?!) Vampire gives her a C-Section….using his fangless teeth to rip open her womb….Wolf guy falls in sexual love with 1 minute old baby (UGH!)….Vampire turns girl into vampire…who is able to control her new powers and hunger despite many others not being able to or struggling to do so (Ok…explain please?……..anything?………..no?) Vampire girl can very fast run in a cocktail dress….in the forest, while hunting animals to eat and not trip over once!….Vampire Mafia comes to kill Vampire girl…The two groups of vampires decide that rather than have a good fight, they should instead sit down, eat crumpets and sip cups of tea and have a talk…no fighting whatsoever…Vampire mafia decides 'ok, keep the bitch!' and return to Italy…Wolf guy plans to marry vampire baby while vampire girl and boy live for ever after…but wait! what about her human father, mother and friends she knew? Does she just pretend that they never existed and live as a vampire in a la-de-da word of 'I'm so gorgeous, I can sparkle and nothing can kill me…Wee-he-heee!'

    And they seriously want to make this into a two-parter?!?!

    I myself am going to be an author and I know its wrong to speak ill of other authors, but man! Meyers has no origionality at all!

    How the holy mother of dragons did she get her manuscripts accepted? it's fricking difficult to get a publishing house, or even a Literary agent to give you the thumbs up (and this is with decent Literature)

  • http://www.facebook.com/johnny.tong1 Johnny Tong

    What is worse about this dreck is Michael Phillips and AO Scott both said “See It'. That's the biggest insult of all.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Adam-Kholladi-Ezagouri/1609710012 Adam Kholladi-Ezagouri

    lol Muffins.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/V3WXBDCWYRE5DOPYR3NB7GFGWM CherZ

    Okay, I just stumbled on this from a forum link.

    Right on my brotha, thanks for the laugh!

    I especially agree with you about Bella. Could there be a more self-centered 'heroine'? when Edward does something (anything!) it's because of her. When she's with her friends, she's thinking about herself, like “all my teen girl friends are talking about proms and boys, I pretended to be interested, but I'm thinking about myself again.” Would it hurt ya to crack a smile? or be a friend? Or think (gasp) like a teenager?

    I think Bella was created just for the girls (and women) to project themselves on to this chick. Hey she's a mistfit and awkward, and smarter than all her friends. She was ME as a teenager. Ohhhhhh I could have got vampire tail!

    Ugh. I'm a chick and I hate this drivel.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/7UN6FDZUJROKU2JTYZE43WBTUU Leonard

    I just finished this movie half a hour ago and……….. Could could have watched Basic Instinct again then this piece of nothingness. it wasn't even worth downloading on my computer, lol. I can't believe you talked my into watching this movie Spoony I mean I could have watched Basic Instinct 2 and find out why people said it sucked but boy this was an adventure to go through.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Emerson-Simmons/100001068799912 Emerson Simmons

    his “titty” rant cracked me up.

  • Zeis

    This review is hilarious and all but I can't believe you forgot the most horrifying part of the movie.

    As Bella and company are leaving the fruity vampire council, another vampire is leading a tour group in. Yes. A tour group. Just so there's absolutely no misunderstanding as to what's about to happen, as they get into the elevator, they all start screaming.

    So not only is Bella a neurotic, clingy, manipulative, self-centered sociopath, but she also stands idly by as a group of men, women, and children are led to a horrible death.

    And the entire scenario makes no fucking sense! We're told at the beginning of the movie that the vampires have laws against drawing attention to themselves. Do they think that nobody is going to notice large groups of people regularly going missing in their town?

    God these movies make me so ANGRY.

  • rewind83709

    I never liked this movie when i first heard of it. and my sister was more than kind enough to tell me more about this piece of shit. She isnt a fan either. She told me about a review done by the Stephen King, and i laughed! Nailed it right on the head. Piece of shit! Thanks again sir.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_SZVG7RLKL372XTEPAOVAU4CITE Irene

    Oh, like porn! Double standards FTW!!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_SZVG7RLKL372XTEPAOVAU4CITE Irene

    I really liked your “titty shot” example, and I'm commenting on that, actually. Spoony, you just kind of brushed that off as a poor reason to like this movie, and it seems like it was just because it was all about the chiseled bodies (instead of titties) but that's exactly why it works. How many movies actually have this kind of eye candy for females? We like it too. You could argue that “300″ does, but that one doesn't catch the early teen crowd; those guys are too old.

    If you began in the morning to count all the movies with a promised “titty shot” aimed at guys you could probably keep naming them well into evening. How many movies aimed at women have that? I can think of maybe two, this one and the one I already mentioned. Not defending this crap, and I wish this had happened with a better base, but I'm just pointing out why it's actually a big deal that women drool over Lautner's abs.

  • devilfish

    nm

  • devilfish

    Porn? What? I'm not in any porn. I think. I didn't mention porn. What is the fuckery?

  • Testsubject909

    I feel… as though I'm having an aneurysm… Oh my brain.

    Seriously, Twilight is a bane on society and everyone who's going “haters gonna hate” or “It's just a fad”.

    Yes, well, it's a formative fad. It's endoctrinating through social means our future society's female populace.

    Do you REALLY want to have a whole generation of girls worshipping the idea of being Just Like Bella? …Think about it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Emerson-Simmons/100001068799912 Emerson Simmons

    i wonder how many of the twilight stars will have a career after these films?
    ….
    ….
    ….
    none.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Emerson-Simmons/100001068799912 Emerson Simmons

    i wonder how many of the twilight stars will have a career after these films?
    ….
    ….
    ….
    none.

  • Anonymous

    FFDP is the shit bra

  • http://www.facebook.com/alchron Douglas Higgins

    I hate to say this, but where the fuck is blade at when you need him? Or Van Helsing? Anyone?

    Someone kill these abominations to cinema…also the “acting” crew…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Boiko-Nedialkov/100000102160656 Boiko Nedialkov

    I’m a big fan of Vampire Masquarade : Bloodlines the RPG and comparing the vampires and and severed arm wielding psycopaths make these guys look like schoolgirls in tube tops!

  • Anonymous

    Twilight is a book that glorifies an abusive relationship and basically teaches young women that if they throw their entire life away because of a guy who loves you for superficial reasons they will be fulfilled. It teaches people that vampires are awkward sparkling morons living off small animals and disrupting the natural balance. It teaches us that women cannot be whole without a man, and that men can be moody, condescending, and the basic profile of a modern stalker/rapist.

  • Anonymous

    A Tzimice would totally wreck everyone in this movie. :D

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_LXIEVO4SSXVOPECATQBQD5QTLI Ryo of the wildfire

      Pffft A thinblood caitiff would be more menacing than half the “Vampires” in this series.

      Caine if you’re listening, this is one blood line that needs a visit from the Gehenna fairy early.

      For shit’s sake one Hunter could porbaly ruin every supernatural in this entire series and we all remeber how unimpressive HtR was. (Screw Blade and Van Helsing, Where’s Sullivan Dane when you need him?)

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_LXIEVO4SSXVOPECATQBQD5QTLI Ryo of the wildfire

      Pffft A thinblood caitiff would be more menacing than half the “Vampires” in this series.

      Caine if you’re listening, this is one blood line that needs a visit from the Gehenna fairy early.

      For shit’s sake one Hunter could porbaly ruin every supernatural in this entire series and we all remeber how unimpressive HtR was. (Screw Blade and Van Helsing, Where’s Sullivan Dane when you need him?)

  • dude

    Thom Yorke’s song was tight, you just suck, go listen to your wrestling themes

  • Anonymous

    Jesus. I wouldn’t mind being a housewife but Bella just takes the whole thing too far. She’s become a doormat.
    I wanna see Vampires Suck – A pisstake of Twatlight.

  • Anonymous

    Liked this purely for the ‘boiling venom cum’.

  • Anonymous

    Vampires Suck is a Seltzerberg movie. Honestly, I would rather watch Eclipse. At least that can be snarked at. Seltzerberg movies are a dark void from which no homor can escape.

  • http://www.twilight-bedding.com Twilight Bedding

    Bella is very beautiful but she looks like very fragile and too dependent with Edward.

    Mike

  • http://www.facebook.com/enes.memic Enes Memic

    Just saw New Moon for the first time (I was watching it with Rifftrax). The riffing made the movie bearable but I was still furious when it was over. Bella Swan is, without doubt, the most reprehensible character I’ve ever seen in any work of fiction. Even though it was futile, I spent most of the movie hoping she would just die.

    I’m also baffled as to why so many girls swoon over Edward. He’s pasty, scrawny, glittery, and obviously gay. The Volturi are even worse; they’re like a coven of vampiric Liberaces. Say what you will about the werewolves and their shirtless grabass; Jacob at least acts like a man in his pursuit of Bella. I doubt he’d pull an Edwardian “I want you, really, but I just can’t touch you” act.

    And what was with that scene with Bella and Edward prancing through the woods at the end? WTF?

    I haven’t been this pissed off at a movie in a while. I’m dreading the day Eclipse gets released on DVD. I want to avoid it, but I know the Rifftrax is going to be brilliant. Damn you, Mike Nelson.

  • http://www.facebook.com/enes.memic Enes Memic

    Just saw New Moon for the first time (I was watching it with Rifftrax). The riffing made the movie bearable but I was still furious when it was over. Bella Swan is, without doubt, the most reprehensible character I’ve ever seen in any work of fiction. Even though it was futile, I spent most of the movie hoping she would just die.

    I’m also baffled as to why so many girls swoon over Edward. He’s pasty, scrawny, glittery, and obviously gay. The Volturi are even worse; they’re like a coven of vampiric Liberaces. Say what you will about the werewolves and their shirtless grabass; Jacob at least acts like a man in his pursuit of Bella. I doubt he’d pull an Edwardian “I want you, really, but I just can’t touch you” act.

    And what was with that scene with Bella and Edward prancing through the woods at the end? WTF?

    I haven’t been this pissed off at a movie in a while. I’m dreading the day Eclipse gets released on DVD. I want to avoid it, but I know the Rifftrax is going to be brilliant. Damn you, Mike Nelson.

  • Anonymous

    This film is porn for women and I can respect that.
    But why do some guys like this flick?

    • http://www.facebook.com/michelle.brydon Michelle Brydon

      Oh believe me, Twilight is NOT porn for women…

      this is: http://spoonyexperiment.com/2009/12/12/spooning-with-spoony-episode-2/

    • http://www.facebook.com/michelle.brydon Michelle Brydon

      Oh believe me, Twilight is NOT porn for women…

      this is: http://spoonyexperiment.com/2009/12/12/spooning-with-spoony-episode-2/

  • Anonymous

    This film is porn for women and I can respect that.
    But why do some guys like this flick?

  • http://www.facebook.com/jbhaslach John Barton Haslach

    I have to say, Edward’s social skills with women make mine look perfectly fine. I have problems talking with women and when I do, I always seem to screw up, but at least I don’t do what Edward does. I don’t break into her house at night and watch her sleep. I don’t stare at her without saying a bleeping word. And at least I actually have feelings for the woman I know I love. And at least I talk to women.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tariel-Corbeau/1388782046 Tariel Corbeau

      I once read a book where a guy that did that, ((while his girl friend was away)) he said to the main character that when he tried to kill himself in her own room that it ‘felt right.’ This boy has, some serious problems because of his brother whom gets a high of controlling people. Controlling this boy as well and stuff. The main character DOES love him, but at the end she realizes that it could just be, a CRUSH. Maybe it will be more then that, but not while he is healing, and getting to see normal life. THAT was one of the best books I have ever read, because it just seems like something that really could happen and the main girl does not get it on with this…guy. They are both the same age…

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tariel-Corbeau/1388782046 Tariel Corbeau

      I once read a book where a guy that did that, ((while his girl friend was away)) he said to the main character that when he tried to kill himself in her own room that it ‘felt right.’ This boy has, some serious problems because of his brother whom gets a high of controlling people. Controlling this boy as well and stuff. The main character DOES love him, but at the end she realizes that it could just be, a CRUSH. Maybe it will be more then that, but not while he is healing, and getting to see normal life. THAT was one of the best books I have ever read, because it just seems like something that really could happen and the main girl does not get it on with this…guy. They are both the same age…

  • Geoffrey Walter

    On Pattinson’s acting: Spoony, Pattinson hates this series more than YOU do. He IS in pain.

  • http://www.facebook.com/armando.ortegacisneros Armando Ortega Cisneros

    “You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.”

    Loved that one!

    Great review!

  • http://twitter.com/mindfullunatic Ryan Hill

    Spoony’s face on the video preview image is priceless.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, it looks like he’s watching the film and is thinking “what the smegging hell’s going on?!”

  • http://twitter.com/RantingPhoenix Tiffany

    Wow, I kept cracking up during this review

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001359033124 Kalu Shakti Kundalini

    Hey… man I felt ya throughout the whole rant.  I’ve been through it unfortunately… which means that I too am stupid and ignorant… damn  :D

    I know everyone is spiritual, yet you display lots of wisdom, from my perspective, and you’ve actually been helping me a lot, with laughter and simple wisdom.  

    I actually wanted to do some reviews too, bought a $600 dollar camcorder yesterday, yet as much as I want to shout… where I live right now won’t let me do that…  so I returned it a few hours ago.  

    As long as I can do some voice overs to start, it’ll be fine as a creative outlet.

    Okay that was random.  Thanks for the awesome review.

  • http://twitter.com/acekilla202 James Cassady

    I admit i have seen this,i am now happy, i am not respected, i am not human for watching this OVER THE TOP PEWICE OF BULLSHIT FUCKING MIGITS BALLS SWIN GING COCK IN YOUR FACE PERICE OF SHIT

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gabriela-Mizerija/100000750048199 Gabriela Mizerija

    I wish Spoony would do vlogs of the rest Twilight movies :DDDD this one is great

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Efrain-Ibarra/100000965334120 Efrain Ibarra

    Pattinson is just doing his best to make Edward as pathetic and whiny as possible, and yet girls are making themselves bleed for him, so yeah, he’s doing it on purpose. omo

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Wells/13805208 Patrick Wells

    DEAD ON! I can’t believe so many women love these books and movies. They are misogynist drivel, and Bella is a terrible person.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Victor-Williams/100000749674567 Victor Williams

    NO!!! NO!!! DON’T YOU DARE COMPARE DR INSANO TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT!!! EVEN IF HE IS YOUR CHARACTER, HE’S WAY TOO AWESOME AND TWILIGHT IS WAY TOO SHITTY!!! O_______O

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Victor-Williams/100000749674567 Victor Williams

    NO!!! NO!!! DON’T YOU DARE COMPARE DR INSANO TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT!!! EVEN IF HE IS YOUR CHARACTER, HE’S WAY TOO AWESOME AND TWILIGHT IS WAY TOO SHITTY!!! O_______O

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Victor-Williams/100000749674567 Victor Williams

    NO!!! NO!!! DON’T YOU DARE COMPARE DR INSANO TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT!!! EVEN IF HE IS YOUR CHARACTER, HE’S WAY TOO AWESOME AND TWILIGHT IS WAY TOO SHITTY!!! O_______O

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

    One of your best vlogs, Spoony, it’s hilarious, brilliant and raises many interesting points.

  • http://twitter.com/Nightshift10000 Daniel Johnson

    MEGA EPIC FAIL – Spoony You actually watched one of those stupid fucking twilight movies.

    • http://twitter.com/GamesSaveLives Games Save Lives

      Yes, how dare he actually see a movie before giving his opinion on it! I mean, seriously, what kind of loser gives an opinion on something based on his own experiences and not just what other people say about it, right?

      • Arsenal Of Megadeath

        i know! what was Spoony thinking??????

  • Anonymous

    Don’t worry, girls will eventually find out now when they we have equality.

  • Christopher Smith

    Why would it be weird for an 18-year-old to have a passport? I’ve had one since I was an infant and so have everyone I know. o_O Anyhoo, great review!

  • Pedro Gonzalez Sagaidak

    You know, I’ve recently started thinking about Twilight as a really, really, really, really, really (etc…) bad crossover fanfiction of Dracula and some sort of werewolf fiction, with Bella as a self-insert by Meyer. I mean, just rename Dracula to Carlisle, Alucard to Edward, remove all the interesting qualities of vampires, and you get Twilight.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3IAN3E35WIDSUG4HEUD3J34IYU chris

    twilight becomes more interesting when you considered them dark fae, and understand that bella is a mentally enslaved teenager.  it becomes a frightening ordeal of madness.

  • Collin Guzak

    Bella Swan is a dramatized version of the spoiled self centered never heard a negative opinion about herself, never been disciplined melodramatic attention whore self esteem generation twat that most vacuioos tween/teen girls of today actually are.

    She’s entirely superficial, scheming, manipulative, sociopathic, abusive, vapid, lazy, selfish, vacant eyed and most of all FUCKING STUPID.

  • hellmasterjoleck

    the irony to the romeo and juliet book is that it’s a 9th grade Required assigned book in every school district in washington…so when i saw it i laughed not at the symbolism but because i thought they actually did some research on washington high school reading criteria

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Hadley/1504681506 Ryan Hadley

     I really dont think Stephanie got the “Gay Lifestyle” as it is. I mean Spoony I love ya but if stereotypical flamboyancy is what being gay is about to you…It just isn’t. Sure there are plenty of gay guys out there who do some of that but I have yet to witness it or act like that thankfully…lol Idk just seems like through most of your videos…and if its a joke then sure ok, you tend to play heavily on those stereotypes. Im not heavily offended or anything just find it a bit…eh…stupid, along with the macho man stuff sometimes. Well I hope this comment is taken the wrong way. Loved to watch the video again Spoony <3 Hope ya review the most recent Tiwlight film.

  • http://www.facebook.com/beqaxitiri Beqa Khitiri

    One thing I think the movie got right was the comparison with Romeo and Juliet… Listen to me on this – Romeo and Juliet was a “romance” between a 17y.o. guy and a 13y.o. girl, who met when the guy liked her ass and kissed her on the lips without saying a word to her… the whole “relationship” lasted for less than a week, involved no actual romance and resulted in multiple deaths – I think that’s a fit comparison to the crapfest that is twilight :)

  • Icrangirl

    The ultimate distraction: muffins.

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