This should be interesting….

This should be interesting….

This should be interesting….

Epic…

Epic…

Epic…

Hahaha yay so excited for this… i saw it, it SUCKED! no pun

I can not STAND this series…VAMPIRES DO NOT GLISTEN IN SUNLIGHT !!!

Great review..

I can not STAND this series…VAMPIRES DO NOT GLISTEN IN SUNLIGHT !!!

Great review..

Twilight is such an aweful Movie-series, i can only agree 100% with everything you say about it Noah!

You sort of spent way too much time on Taylor Lautner’s physique….

;)

VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT

Dracula would be rolling in his bed. His coffin. Where he sleeps. Get it? :v

awww god, my girlfriend really wanted me to go see this with her, luckily she found a friend to go with her instead. I feel like I dodged a bullet!

awww god, my girlfriend really wanted me to go see this with her, luckily she found a friend to go with her instead. I feel like I dodged a bullet!

My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

My review of it has been heating up YouTube and Blip to say the least, link for those who care:

http://www.vaughnonmovies.com/2009/11/the-twilight-saga-new-moon/

I’m actually shocked Spoony bothered with this one.

“[...]Twilight is really awesome.” -Spoony (2009)

A perfect DVD cover quote.

Patinson looks like he hasn’t taken a shit for three weeks, Spoony.

Here you go Spoony, if you haven’t seen this site you should,

http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

see how movies should have ended. Just so happens the first Twilight movie got this treatment.
Hope this lifts your spirits.

Here you go Spoony, if you haven’t seen this site you should,

http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com

see how movies should have ended. Just so happens the first Twilight movie got this treatment.
Hope this lifts your spirits.

A perfect DVD cover quote.

Patinson looks like he hasn’t taken a shit for three weeks, Spoony.

The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.

The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.

audio gave out a bit near the beginning

audio gave out a bit near the beginning

I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
Transformers 2 is still worse.

I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
Transformers 2 is still worse.

u actually paid to see this??

u actually paid to see this??

I knew it was going to be almost as bad as Transformers 2, but I was still surprised by how bad it was.
Transformers 2 is still worse.

“The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.”

What?

That’s the worst thing I’ve read today.

“The good news about Jacob (kinda) is that he’s not ACTUALLY in love with Bella. He’s in love with her unborn, not even impregnated yet, fetus. So he gets back at her by screwing her daughter when she turns 7.”

What?

That’s the worst thing I’ve read today.

Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

Oh fuck. I have to watch this film with a girl next week and I’m officially dreading it. It will be her second time watching it as well. Hnggg. Maybe I can convince her to change her mind and watch something else.

Dam i hate this sh!t, My girlfriend is a HUGE fan of all of this boy vampire love craze garbage. So of course I had to go see this focking nightmare along with the first one and the only good thing about these movie are she wants to have sex right after it ends.

I think this movie has been made mostly for emo audience…

I think this movie has been made mostly for emo audience…

laughed my ass off!! very funny review

laughed my ass off!! very funny review

I MADE MUFFINS!! :D

Awesome review! As to what Jacob and Edward see in Bella… well i think she’s HOT! Too bad we don’t get her shirtless. Hmmm… i’ll try googling that:P

Oh Spoony, the things you put up with to entertain your fans… thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Is the damn thing really over two hours long? Isn’t the whole story

Edward: Bye.

Bella: No!

Jacob: Hi!

Bella: Whoa.

Edward: Hey!

Bella: Yay!

does that really need over 2 hours?

Oh Spoony, the things you put up with to entertain your fans… thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Is the damn thing really over two hours long? Isn’t the whole story

Edward: Bye.

Bella: No!

Jacob: Hi!

Bella: Whoa.

Edward: Hey!

Bella: Yay!

does that really need over 2 hours?

The reason why it’s porn for girls is not only the visuals but that the needy manipulation pays off despite having no redeeming qualities. This movie is a huge emotional wank.

its movies like this that encourage us rapists to work overtime

@Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

@Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

@Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

@Zetta: Yha. Basicly, in the third/fourthish book, its revealed the Wolves (not actually werewolves) mate by imprinting on babies while in the womb to condition them into falling into what is basicly a sex slave. Jacob premptivly imprinted on Bella’s overies. And since her baby is half vampire, it grows like a vampire, and age 7 is a vampire’s age of maturity.

Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

Spoony, spoony, spoony…did you learn nothing from Transformers 2, or are you just a masochist?

But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head in that this ENTIRE series is basically self-insert romance porn for teenage girls, written by a horny teenage girl at heart spinster. At least you can’t blame Miz Myer for not knowing her audience. Having said that, I’ll probably check this movie out when the inevitable Rifftrax hits – I liked the Twilight Rifftrax, and if this movie is really as funny as you say it is, it sounds like it’ll be a riot with Mike and company.

Spoony, you’re the best.

Spoony, you’re the best.

Awesome review Spoony, really you did a great job bashing the crap out of the movie and from a comedic POV I think I’m going to give it a try when I’ll be with some friends to laugh the crap out of it. I’m really curious if you laughed all the way through the movie if one or many of the hormonal imbalanced girls in the theater gave you leching looks.

Oh and WTF if they made a Rome and Juliet reference at the start of the movie than they should have gone all the way through and go as them. At least Bella Edward is a couple I want to see in ashes.

Keep up the great work man and bash crappy movie.

Spoony, you’re the best.

Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

Loved the review! Some of your faces were hilarious, and really captured how I was feeling during the movie. And yeah, it was total porn for girls!

I felt really bad for Jacob during the movie too, poor dude got seriously screwed over during the books too, from what I heard. I thought Bella flat out told him that she only wanted to be friends, though? Is that leading a guy on if you state that there is categorically no way you will ever be more than friends? I thought that’s what the “I’m not a car you can fix” scene was about.

But then she nearly made out with him about 3 times so I dunno what was going on there.

Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

Great review.

Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

Great review.

Now I’m waiting for “Titties of all shapes and sizes, some with horses” to appear at the top of the page.

Great review.

why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

why when i was watching this review did i start to get scared like spoony was going to turn gay , maybe its the way he talks about guys topless spanking each others ass’s that made me feel like spoony and gone gay

This review was fucking amazing.
One of your best Spoony!

Definately your most quotable.
Keep on popping em out.

This review was fucking amazing.
One of your best Spoony!

Definately your most quotable.
Keep on popping em out.

This review was fucking amazing.
One of your best Spoony!

Definately your most quotable.
Keep on popping em out.

Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

Spoony, you are brave. I wouldn’t dare to say a thing about this series, Twilight fans scare the fuck out of me. I live with one >_>

That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

That rootbeer you’re drinking there is pretty good, one of the few american sodas I’ve drunk.

ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

ugh, i have yet to see this. Might not after this. The thing that pissed me off the most about this movie was the soundtrack. One of my favorite bands did a song JUST FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

I also found that the Native Americans ultra white.
Also I had my sis and my friend snark along with myself. And it was awesome. Snark=win.

If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

Dude, the whole Twilight Series is nothing but Mormon propaganda about the virtues of abstinence. It’s just best to stay away from it least it gets its hooks into you, just like heroin or anything by L Ron Hubbard.

Dude, the whole Twilight Series is nothing but Mormon propaganda about the virtues of abstinence. It’s just best to stay away from it least it gets its hooks into you, just like heroin or anything by L Ron Hubbard.

If you can’t enjoy this movie I don’t see how you could enjoy any of Spoony’s stuff. This is like, exactly the sort of “so insanely apeshit bad that it’s entertaining” stuff he reviews.

The film has this great formula, where the leads are all laughably terrible and the supporting cast is there to sort of ground it all.

I really enjoyed it and hope the next one is just as “good.”

The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

The fights were OKAY and the director tried his absolute best. Stupid source material.

I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jacob answered the phone-call from Edward, blew him off, and then we got the epic shot of Edward crying and crushing his cell phone like a little bitch.

BUT MAN, it is hard to pick just one scene.

Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

Me and my friend are going to go see this movie. It’s going to be hilarious. XD We went to the first one and just spent the whole laughing our asses off and making fun of it.
Shame Jacob turns into Pedobear in Breaking Wind. He was the only likeable character.

Seriously though, Twilight is actually the most glorious, the most wonderful trainwreck of a franchise. It’s magnificent in its sheer fuckwittery.

I still can’t believe that Jonathan Ross – a critic I usually have respect for – gave this absolute shit a glowing review. I can only suspect he capitulated to a barrage of death threats sent by the Cult of Twilight.

There are many, many reasons to hate this series. Yeah, it completely shits on all established vampire and werewolf lore, but that’s not the main reason I hate it. I hate it because it’s embarrassingly-written, atrociously plotted, obvious author-insertion fantasy, unbelievably sexist, is full of stuff that’s just plain wrong (like the paedophilic moments someone’s mentioned), and you could replace the cast with puppies and you’d STILL want them all to die miserable, painful deaths. Frankly, anyone who seriously likes this shit (and I don’t mean as an accidental comedy or prime riffing material) should be sterilised.

Anyway, this was a great, very quotable review, Spoony, though I’m honestly starting to wonder if you have masochistic tendencies. I guess that’s the life of a critic though; you have to suffer for your art.

I still can’t believe that Jonathan Ross – a critic I usually have respect for – gave this absolute shit a glowing review. I can only suspect he capitulated to a barrage of death threats sent by the Cult of Twilight.

There are many, many reasons to hate this series. Yeah, it completely shits on all established vampire and werewolf lore, but that’s not the main reason I hate it. I hate it because it’s embarrassingly-written, atrociously plotted, obvious author-insertion fantasy, unbelievably sexist, is full of stuff that’s just plain wrong (like the paedophilic moments someone’s mentioned), and you could replace the cast with puppies and you’d STILL want them all to die miserable, painful deaths. Frankly, anyone who seriously likes this shit (and I don’t mean as an accidental comedy or prime riffing material) should be sterilised.

Anyway, this was a great, very quotable review, Spoony, though I’m honestly starting to wonder if you have masochistic tendencies. I guess that’s the life of a critic though; you have to suffer for your art.

“You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love”

Well said, Spoony. Your characterization of Bella is completely spot-on, and summarizes exactly why I have issues with this series in the first place. You always hit the nail on the head.

The things men watch for girls…

The things men watch for girls…

The things men watch for girls…

I am playing Vampire the Masquerade for 12 years now and really like the vampiremyth. I have seen nearly every vampiremovie that is out there. Even Interview with a vampire was enjoyable in my eyes.

But Twilight is pain. This is no vampiremovie, no romance, no drama, nothing at all, except eyecandy for girls.
I did not see New Moon, but I completely trust you on this one. Why should the second movie be any different?

I am playing Vampire the Masquerade for 12 years now and really like the vampiremyth. I have seen nearly every vampiremovie that is out there. Even Interview with a vampire was enjoyable in my eyes.

But Twilight is pain. This is no vampiremovie, no romance, no drama, nothing at all, except eyecandy for girls.
I did not see New Moon, but I completely trust you on this one. Why should the second movie be any different?

If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

@Jeremy Horsley
I don’t enjoy the games Spoony reviews, but the actual reviews. Just like I most likely wouldn’t enjoy New Moon, but I enjoyed his review of it. I kind of get your point though

If anything, New Moon will be worse. I read the books (long plane ride from Italy to Ireland, needed something to keep me going) and New Moon is just….

NO PLOT. Even less plot than TWILIGHT. It was ridiculous.

And they’re not even Vampires. They’re sparkly stone venomous chupacabras.

People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

People who take Twilight seriously as a bad movie are nearly as bad as the people who take it seriously as a good film.

You either go in ready to laugh your ass off because there are people out there who take this shit seriously, or you go in as a fan. You’re robbing yourself of an enjoyable experience going in with any other attitude.

I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

I always think it’s odd when he rips on a movie for something when if he had been paying attention he would have seen why it was. In this case talking about just calling edward or sending him an email but in the movie he was in some crapy place in rio that isn’t likely to have internet and he crushed his phone after trying to call bella.

What’s so funny(and oh so very sad) about Bella in the Twilight saga films is that she is almost exactly the same as her character in the books. I still can’t believe I ever though those books were good…

What’s so funny(and oh so very sad) about Bella in the Twilight saga films is that she is almost exactly the same as her character in the books. I still can’t believe I ever though those books were good…

@ Sturmovik and everyone who wants fuel for the fire

Let me tell you about Mormons, and Christians, but Mormons in general. Men are the leaders, whether they want to be or not. Men have all the authority, but women have to follow no matter what. They cannot be independent in any way shape or form. Which makes me have to say that these series of books seem so fitting to that idea if you look at Bella. So torn to pieces because she can’t have a man, pretty much saying that if you don’t have a man that your completely worthless and have no purpose in life.

The entire Mormon religious branch is like this, I was there, and I no longer believe this, in fact despite being a man I don’t believe men should lead women. Hell if your going to be in a relationship, that in itself, looking at it as a business, the relationship should be a complete partnership between the two respective parties. I don’t mean to make love look like some economical and official investment deals that you’d have to go out and wear a business suit for, if you understand my meaning, but just making it somewhat logical.

@ Sturmovik and everyone who wants fuel for the fire

Let me tell you about Mormons, and Christians, but Mormons in general. Men are the leaders, whether they want to be or not. Men have all the authority, but women have to follow no matter what. They cannot be independent in any way shape or form. Which makes me have to say that these series of books seem so fitting to that idea if you look at Bella. So torn to pieces because she can’t have a man, pretty much saying that if you don’t have a man that your completely worthless and have no purpose in life.

The entire Mormon religious branch is like this, I was there, and I no longer believe this, in fact despite being a man I don’t believe men should lead women. Hell if your going to be in a relationship, that in itself, looking at it as a business, the relationship should be a complete partnership between the two respective parties. I don’t mean to make love look like some economical and official investment deals that you’d have to go out and wear a business suit for, if you understand my meaning, but just making it somewhat logical.

@ Sturmovik and everyone who wants fuel for the fire

Let me tell you about Mormons, and Christians, but Mormons in general. Men are the leaders, whether they want to be or not. Men have all the authority, but women have to follow no matter what. They cannot be independent in any way shape or form. Which makes me have to say that these series of books seem so fitting to that idea if you look at Bella. So torn to pieces because she can’t have a man, pretty much saying that if you don’t have a man that your completely worthless and have no purpose in life.

The entire Mormon religious branch is like this, I was there, and I no longer believe this, in fact despite being a man I don’t believe men should lead women. Hell if your going to be in a relationship, that in itself, looking at it as a business, the relationship should be a complete partnership between the two respective parties. I don’t mean to make love look like some economical and official investment deals that you’d have to go out and wear a business suit for, if you understand my meaning, but just making it somewhat logical.

@Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

@Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

@Andrew: Edward is MADE of money. He can afford having a new phone every day. And in Italy, where he goes to kill himself, they have free wi-fi in hotels. And if you don’t have a laptop, some hotels have these digital TVs that allow you to check your e-mail with them.

There is no excuse for that. You’re looking to defend a plot that is indefensible.

As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

As Calhoun says, if the author is mormon, it only makes sense that she’s such a weak, worthless character.

That, if anything, proves that women like this film not because it’s good, but because it’s softcore porn in a theater. And they blame men for liking titties in movies. Hah!

Awesome review, by the way. It’s funny how easy it is to listen to your reviews!

I pitty girls who make this movies the films of their lifes…Theres maybe a purpose to that…maybe they dont have a life…They want a love story like in this movie and that just stupid…They really want to spend the time wynning about a boy for the rest of their lifes?

I just dont understand that kind of thinking or non-thinking…

I pitty girls who make this movies the films of their lifes…Theres maybe a purpose to that…maybe they dont have a life…They want a love story like in this movie and that just stupid…They really want to spend the time wynning about a boy for the rest of their lifes?

I just dont understand that kind of thinking or non-thinking…

Good morning Spoony and fellow Spooners.

1. Love the screen-grab for this video. THAT’S how you review a movie in under five seconds. Not that I wanted anything less than Epic Spoony for this movie. I’m just saying…
2. Is it a coincidence that the bar above the video shows a bunch of guys with developed muscles?
3. 23 Saturn. Very funny.

Good morning Spoony and fellow Spooners.

1. Love the screen-grab for this video. THAT’S how you review a movie in under five seconds. Not that I wanted anything less than Epic Spoony for this movie. I’m just saying…
2. Is it a coincidence that the bar above the video shows a bunch of guys with developed muscles?
3. 23 Saturn. Very funny.

Good morning Spoony and fellow Spooners.

1. Love the screen-grab for this video. THAT’S how you review a movie in under five seconds. Not that I wanted anything less than Epic Spoony for this movie. I’m just saying…
2. Is it a coincidence that the bar above the video shows a bunch of guys with developed muscles?
3. 23 Saturn. Very funny.

I haven’t watched the video review yet, but I have to commend you for your excellent written notes under it Spoony. I had many of the same thoughts when I scripted my review of the first book, and it truly renders me dumbfounded how anyone can think that Edward and Bella constitute a healthy, happy relationship. She is needy, selfish, and quite possibly mentally damaged, while he is creepy, demanding, and more than a little controlling. The writing is bad, the characters unlikable, and the “love” story a horrible example for all the teenage girls that eat this stuff up. Knowing that this film is breaking box-office records previously held by The Dark Knight is breaking my freaking heart!

I haven’t watched the video review yet, but I have to commend you for your excellent written notes under it Spoony. I had many of the same thoughts when I scripted my review of the first book, and it truly renders me dumbfounded how anyone can think that Edward and Bella constitute a healthy, happy relationship. She is needy, selfish, and quite possibly mentally damaged, while he is creepy, demanding, and more than a little controlling. The writing is bad, the characters unlikable, and the “love” story a horrible example for all the teenage girls that eat this stuff up. Knowing that this film is breaking box-office records previously held by The Dark Knight is breaking my freaking heart!

its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

The add above this video tells me how to get a sixpack in four weeks….This is not coincidence is it?

I’m forced to watch this movie, because my gf is forced to watched it with a friend. I still have one day of sanity left.

The add above this video tells me how to get a sixpack in four weeks….This is not coincidence is it?

I’m forced to watch this movie, because my gf is forced to watched it with a friend. I still have one day of sanity left.

She lacks the Delta Brainwave, Bella is Fry. Does that mean Edward is Leela, it would explain the lack of depth perception.

“Oh here, why don’t you speak into the mic? *flex* I got the backup mic here too *flex*”

Holy crap I was laughing my ass off at that. I’ve never heard that before did you make it up Spoony? If you did, brilliant! Even if you didn’t it was the definitive moment of this review for me.

“Oh here, why don’t you speak into the mic? *flex* I got the backup mic here too *flex*”

Holy crap I was laughing my ass off at that. I’ve never heard that before did you make it up Spoony? If you did, brilliant! Even if you didn’t it was the definitive moment of this review for me.

<<>>

BULLSHIT! Edward is not a monster. He’s Clark Kent and Bella is his kryptonite.

<<>>

BULLSHIT! Edward is not a monster. He’s Clark Kent and Bella is his kryptonite.

The above comment was messe up for some reason. I wanted to quote this part:

“Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.”

The above comment was messe up for some reason. I wanted to quote this part:

“Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.”

coughman November 22, 2009 at 8:26 am

its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

Do you have any links?

coughman November 22, 2009 at 8:26 am

its a well known fact that the guy who played edward HATES twilight, hes only in this because hes forced by contract, you should read the crap hes said and done to try to get out of it

Do you have any links?

The above comment was messe up for some reason. I wanted to quote this part:

“Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.”

Great review. The Edward impressions were hilarious. Only bad thing was the shadow of the boom mic on your face got pretty distracting at times.

Great review. The Edward impressions were hilarious. Only bad thing was the shadow of the boom mic on your face got pretty distracting at times.

Great review. The Edward impressions were hilarious. Only bad thing was the shadow of the boom mic on your face got pretty distracting at times.

Matthew G

http://www.robert-pattinson.co.uk/2008/08/23/empire-magazine-first-look-twilight/

““When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t to that.””

That doesn’t exactly sound like he’s a fan.

Matthew G

http://www.robert-pattinson.co.uk/2008/08/23/empire-magazine-first-look-twilight/

““When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t to that.””

That doesn’t exactly sound like he’s a fan.

YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF UP FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!
SPOOONYYYYYY!!!!!!

YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF UP FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!
SPOOONYYYYYY!!!!!!

SPONNY NIPPLES

Seriouly, my friend almost wet herself since she has this big crush on you

Enjoy that bite size bit of information

SPONNY NIPPLES

Seriouly, my friend almost wet herself since she has this big crush on you

Enjoy that bite size bit of information

Thank you Spoony, this review enabled me to chokeslam my sisters favourite fucking film without actually having to watch this thing in all of it’s horrible glory. That is how good this review was. At first I believed that the reasons young girls liked this movie was for a intense love story, rich in fantastic writing and emotional scenes, instead I now find that there is in fact a veil of man-meat being cast over their eyes, thus making them completely oblivious to any possible plotholes, bad character development or generally poor storyline. Of course it all makes sense the movie is this way, a woman wrote the story. It’s mostly the same for men when you watch a bad movie but some sex scene with a hot actress makes you forget about it. Simple really, sex sells and all that.

Thank you Spoony, this review enabled me to chokeslam my sisters favourite fucking film without actually having to watch this thing in all of it’s horrible glory. That is how good this review was. At first I believed that the reasons young girls liked this movie was for a intense love story, rich in fantastic writing and emotional scenes, instead I now find that there is in fact a veil of man-meat being cast over their eyes, thus making them completely oblivious to any possible plotholes, bad character development or generally poor storyline. Of course it all makes sense the movie is this way, a woman wrote the story. It’s mostly the same for men when you watch a bad movie but some sex scene with a hot actress makes you forget about it. Simple really, sex sells and all that.

Edward Cullin hallucinations? Wow, what great fuel for being a twilight troll. :)

Also, i FINISHED watching this review at 3:05 in the morning, just as you said it.

Cosmic.

I read the books just to know what the hype’s about (and because I’m basically addicted to books -_-) and MAN was that stupid! I can’t believe that anybody in their right mind could like this bullcrap.
It’s dumb, it’s boring and the main character is an asshole and a psychopath. I just don’t get it why books about the innermost wishes of so many people (to be something special or something) have to be so BAD. Another hate-able example would be Harry Potter.
In my world children’s and teenager’s books aren’t meant to be read by grownups. It just drives them crazy… ;)

Great review, I really enjoyed it, though I feel soooo sorry for you. Well, at least you got some amusement out of it.

I read the books just to know what the hype’s about (and because I’m basically addicted to books -_-) and MAN was that stupid! I can’t believe that anybody in their right mind could like this bullcrap.
It’s dumb, it’s boring and the main character is an asshole and a psychopath. I just don’t get it why books about the innermost wishes of so many people (to be something special or something) have to be so BAD. Another hate-able example would be Harry Potter.
In my world children’s and teenager’s books aren’t meant to be read by grownups. It just drives them crazy… ;)

Great review, I really enjoyed it, though I feel soooo sorry for you. Well, at least you got some amusement out of it.

If i had to act in that movie id look like I’m in constant pain to.

If i had to act in that movie id look like I’m in constant pain to.

Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :

Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :

Honestly, everything you said basically sounds like a typical teenage girl to me.. (hell most women after their teen years are like that). Ah well :

Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

Spoony has defiantly lost his mind, but I do enjoy a good titty discussion. Could make that part of everything you do, rate it based on porn value.

I couldn’t have asked for a better review. I can’t wait to see this movie in a relatively empty theater in about 3 weeks to give it the commentary it deserves.

I couldn’t have asked for a better review. I can’t wait to see this movie in a relatively empty theater in about 3 weeks to give it the commentary it deserves.

Great review. It kept me entertained and laughing all the way through, but I was also expecting especially this one to be so funny, mostly because of all the rage/hype concerning the twilight movies.

hank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

hank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

Thank you Spoony for taking the bullet for us. I enjoyed the review.

If I knew someone who actually liked this movie I would force them to watch this review.

I also notice the ads while you were talking about how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/7874/newmoonmusclesandtittie.jpg

If I knew someone who actually liked this movie I would force them to watch this review.

I also notice the ads while you were talking about how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/7874/newmoonmusclesandtittie.jpg

You have fans making that noise!

Porn for girls is exactly what I thought of it.
Look at it this way, girls dont think of porn the same way men do. They like window dressing. Shit loads of window dressing. The shitty plot and acting in twilight and new moon is that window dressing. It’s often why a girl cant sit down in front of teh internet and have a good ole wank.

It’s incredibly prominent in erotic literature as well.

Porn for girls is exactly what I thought of it.
Look at it this way, girls dont think of porn the same way men do. They like window dressing. Shit loads of window dressing. The shitty plot and acting in twilight and new moon is that window dressing. It’s often why a girl cant sit down in front of teh internet and have a good ole wank.

It’s incredibly prominent in erotic literature as well.

The director I used to work for had a name for this kind of production:

Tragery.

My Girlfriend loves it not me but I did have a good laugh riffing and bashing on the movie here and there, I’m suprised nobody bothered to question Jacob’s male family members on why they look and dress like shirtless GQ Models. And let’s not forget the Product Placement with a Burgar King bag in the background at the theatre or the Virgin Mobile Plane to Italy. haha

My Girlfriend loves it not me but I did have a good laugh riffing and bashing on the movie here and there, I’m suprised nobody bothered to question Jacob’s male family members on why they look and dress like shirtless GQ Models. And let’s not forget the Product Placement with a Burgar King bag in the background at the theatre or the Virgin Mobile Plane to Italy. haha

I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

I was distracted by the can of root beer in your hand for half of the video >_<

Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

Oh hey, Spoony, you were talking about all the vampires having special powers? Well, the bored looking Volturi has the power to detect relationships. Yeah, he can see if two people are going to hook up. That has to be the shortest end of any stick I’ve ever heard of. He got the shittiest power ever.

But I was forced to see this movie, and I agree with you on every point. Hilarious review.

Oh, about mixed signals, read this

http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/07/nice_guys/index.html

Women give mixed signals all the damn time… they do it cause they’re morons. Sure it’s how they’ve been “raised to act” but they can’t see the logic of how it doesn’t do any good is fucking stupid. But women are stupid….

Oh, about mixed signals, read this

http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/07/nice_guys/index.html

Women give mixed signals all the damn time… they do it cause they’re morons. Sure it’s how they’ve been “raised to act” but they can’t see the logic of how it doesn’t do any good is fucking stupid. But women are stupid….

This movie definitely isn´t porn for women. It´s a substitute for porn for underage girls. Underage girls without internet access, I guess.
Btw. this mentality of “being nothing without a man” is horrendously common with young (and sometimes even older) women these days. That still puzzles me. I can only assume that young girls are so used to adapting to their respective boyfriends, that they miss to establish their own personality. But it´s just a theory, anyway.
“You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.” Words of wisdom, man, words of wisdom!

This movie definitely isn´t porn for women. It´s a substitute for porn for underage girls. Underage girls without internet access, I guess.
Btw. this mentality of “being nothing without a man” is horrendously common with young (and sometimes even older) women these days. That still puzzles me. I can only assume that young girls are so used to adapting to their respective boyfriends, that they miss to establish their own personality. But it´s just a theory, anyway.
“You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.” Words of wisdom, man, words of wisdom!

You definitely need to do this more often. Your best reviews are the ones where you just turn the camera on and rant for an hour. Don’t get me wrong, I like your other stuff, but this is choice. I’ve probably watched the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull review 5 times now, and I’ll probably watch this one just as many times. Seriously, do these more often, it’d be awesome!

Wow, I actually want to see it now to see if it truly is hilarious!
Oh, and I thought I was the only one who HATED indie rock like in this movie…

You make this sound like a really amusing movie. I guess I’ll just wait for the Rifftrax.

You make this sound like a really amusing movie. I guess I’ll just wait for the Rifftrax.

Damn it I have to get me some A&W now!! Awesome review spoony :D You are so right from start to finnish.

Great review Spoony, I started following you because of the LP Fantasmagoria but I stay for shit like this

I hate using the word… but that was epic… excellent job!

i am going to ride this motercycel !
some how that line cracked me up

I haven’t read all the comments, so maybe this has been brought up before. The thing about Bella being so shallow and selfish (since it is just an exaggeration of the behavior of the primary target audience: teenage girls) would be acceptable if the series was about her figuring out her priorities and getting her shit together. But from what I’ve heard of the other books (I haven’t read them, cause I’m not an idiot), it’s not. Bella doesn’t have a character arc. If she were to start out selfish and over the series become a stronger, more independent woman, then that would actually be a REALLY GOOD lesson for today’s tween girls reading this.

Right fucking on, SpoonyOne!

I’m a girl- and I *hate, hate hate* Twilight. I got so far reading the first book (purely out of curiosity to see what the big Hate-On was about) as “She said her goodbyes to the sun.” Even my lesbian parents thought the writing was over-the-top bad.

And you’re spot on about Bella. I went to school with her, I think. (Or rather, girls like Bella who probably loved this movie for that reason.)

The short-sighted self-obsessed co-dependent irrational martydom that is Bella is all the worse qualities we ladies have.

Like, ew.

Keep bringing it, Spoony. Great review! Get Fair Lady Scarlett some flowers though.

Mutants = Homosexuals?! What? Ok I could maybe see the werewolf pack thing being spoofed as gay but….

Ok I remember that line “have you ever tried not being a mutant” but I probably would have never made that connection. But I can see it now that you’ve pointed it out.

When I went to see this the night it came out the exact same thing happened when the native American guy took his shirt off the first time. Also, every now and again I’d take a look around at the audiance and the girls seemed to be just enraptured. And I have to say, that guy’s muscle was pretty dam impressive. I mean god dam that guy was buff! With that big goofy smile and the dimple in his chin, if I didn’t know better I’d say he was some kind of CG character based on the dashing hero stereotype. It was surreal just how buff this guy was.

I have to say I loved your impressions and they were in full force during this review.

Here is more proof of Pattinson hates Twilight http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/1/14/Emptwi4.jpg

Thank you Spoony! You really summed up what I was thinking about Bella. The rest I hadn’t thought of b4 lol. Yeah I mean if you like to see hunky shirtless dudes there are better ways

Longtime reader, first time commentor.

Man, I probably laughed harder at this review than any other video you’ve ever done! You really summed up my feelings for this whole series better than I could ever dream of expressing. I consider myself one of the thousands of husbands/boyfriends (husband in my case) around the country who have been subjected to this nonsense by their significant other, and do I feel sorry for everyone dragged to see this against their will.

Look, I really do believe in my heart that women should get to look at muscly men as much as I should get to look at titties. I really do. My whole problem with this is that it really sends a horrible message to the teenage girls who eat this shit up with a spoon. Bella is NOT a role model. She is every horrible adjective you used to describe her. Yeah, I understand that the author of these books is Mormon and that in the Mormon culture women are lead by men and all that. I don’t agree with it, but I can understand it. However, that doesn’t excuse that these books are almost like an instruction manual on how to manipulate a man emotionally. Look, almost every guy I’ve ever met has been led on by a woman only to be told he’s “just a friend,” or that she’s just not that in to him. It happens, and it sucks. If you’re going to have a plot line like that in a film, that’s marketed to tweens and teens, don’t you think that there should be a moral or something that is kind of behavior isn’t acceptable? Sounds like the moral of this plotline is “If you make a man think you’re interested in him, he will buy you things and do stuff for you without ever actually having to be physical or enter a relationship.” Yeah, that’s healthy.

The other moral of this story for girls is, “If you are dumped, you should never, ever, ever get over it. He might come back.” That is just completely unhealthy and unrealistic. I will personally guarantee you that right as I am typing there is some dumb impressionable girl somewhere in America who got dumped by her boyfriend who is thinking that this guy is going to be “her Edward” and come crawling back to her to tell her how much he loves her. Look, adults and even some 17-18 year olds are quite well adjusted and smart enough to know better, but again this movie is huge with the 12-13 year old set who are getting into the whole first love part of their life and honestly don’t know any better. This movie celebrates a character who spent 3 months moping around acting emotionally distant to anyone even remotely interested in her and engaging in dangerous behavior in the hopes of sparking hallucinations of the lost love in her life in her head. That’s just twisted and deranged! Characters like Bella should be seeking professional help, not being given what they want at the end of the movie! Than we she gets the guy back, she sits around and whines to him constantly! I hate this movie!!!!

My head hurts…I need to lie down.

Longtime reader, first time commentor.

Man, I probably laughed harder at this review than any other video you’ve ever done! You really summed up my feelings for this whole series better than I could ever dream of expressing. I consider myself one of the thousands of husbands/boyfriends (husband in my case) around the country who have been subjected to this nonsense by their significant other, and do I feel sorry for everyone dragged to see this against their will.

Look, I really do believe in my heart that women should get to look at muscly men as much as I should get to look at titties. I really do. My whole problem with this is that it really sends a horrible message to the teenage girls who eat this shit up with a spoon. Bella is NOT a role model. She is every horrible adjective you used to describe her. Yeah, I understand that the author of these books is Mormon and that in the Mormon culture women are lead by men and all that. I don’t agree with it, but I can understand it. However, that doesn’t excuse that these books are almost like an instruction manual on how to manipulate a man emotionally. Look, almost every guy I’ve ever met has been led on by a woman only to be told he’s “just a friend,” or that she’s just not that in to him. It happens, and it sucks. If you’re going to have a plot line like that in a film, that’s marketed to tweens and teens, don’t you think that there should be a moral or something that is kind of behavior isn’t acceptable? Sounds like the moral of this plotline is “If you make a man think you’re interested in him, he will buy you things and do stuff for you without ever actually having to be physical or enter a relationship.” Yeah, that’s healthy.

The other moral of this story for girls is, “If you are dumped, you should never, ever, ever get over it. He might come back.” That is just completely unhealthy and unrealistic. I will personally guarantee you that right as I am typing there is some dumb impressionable girl somewhere in America who got dumped by her boyfriend who is thinking that this guy is going to be “her Edward” and come crawling back to her to tell her how much he loves her. Look, adults and even some 17-18 year olds are quite well adjusted and smart enough to know better, but again this movie is huge with the 12-13 year old set who are getting into the whole first love part of their life and honestly don’t know any better. This movie celebrates a character who spent 3 months moping around acting emotionally distant to anyone even remotely interested in her and engaging in dangerous behavior in the hopes of sparking hallucinations of the lost love in her life in her head. That’s just twisted and deranged! Characters like Bella should be seeking professional help, not being given what they want at the end of the movie! Than we she gets the guy back, she sits around and whines to him constantly! I hate this movie!!!!

My head hurts…I need to lie down.

No offense spoony and even though I love ya, of course you have never heard a woman make that sound before.

Wow, sounds like Spoony’s in the same boat as I am without the kids and ring =P. Welcome to the sandbox Spoony and as all newcomers to the box are instructed, “Embrace the suck, and let it flow over you so you can keep trudging along!” Think of a happy place and concentrate on it… don’t pay attention to the movie and you’ll be ok =P

Best wishes even if you can’t return an e-mail in six years -OWC

Wow, sounds like Spoony’s in the same boat as I am without the kids and ring =P. Welcome to the sandbox Spoony and as all newcomers to the box are instructed, “Embrace the suck, and let it flow over you so you can keep trudging along!” Think of a happy place and concentrate on it… don’t pay attention to the movie and you’ll be ok =P

Best wishes even if you can’t return an e-mail in six years -OWC

zing!

zing!

Have you even read the books? If not, shut up about Stephenie Meyer and yell at the editor instead.

Man, even as a whiney mopey teenage girl at times over the person I love, I’ve never ever gotten that bad. Hell, when I’m sad I go out with people. Fuck Bella, man. She’s so clingy and dependent.

Man, even as a whiney mopey teenage girl at times over the person I love, I’ve never ever gotten that bad. Hell, when I’m sad I go out with people. Fuck Bella, man. She’s so clingy and dependent.

I still haven’t seen the first one because I fell asleep halfway through it (no joke).
I guess I didn’t really miss anything though.

This review is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Long live the king of snark!

This review is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Long live the king of snark!

Spoony, that part about “I’m nothing without him of woe is me” camera pan time elapse was even worse in the books, where there were BLANK. PAGES. with just the months written on them. It was fucking ridiculous. Stephanie Meyer’s wasted how much paper on Bella’s whingy bitch moping? Augh.

I’m kinda happily surprised you noted the extremely sexist tones to the books (and brought up the not-oft mentioned sexism towards MEN which slides under the radar a lot). Most guys I know who are aware of Twilight never notice those disturbing messages, which is depressing in of itself.

Poor Jacob. I mean, before “Eclipse”, he’s really such a nice kid and the werewolves are infinitely more interesting than the vampires, and the entire book/movie is POINTLESS because it’s supposed to be the Jacob/Bella story but since she pretty much tells him she’s never gonna care for him… WHY DOES THIS STORY EXIST.

Also, the entire Jacob//Bella thing gets fucking creepy if you know what happens in Breaking Dawn, Spoony. I’m just saying. It’s just…. EW.

Anyway. As a fanhater of this series, I do go on about it. I’m sorry you were subjected to this crap.

Worse soundtracks than this: “Family Business” (with Sean Connery, Dustin Hoffman, and Matthew Broderick; worst orchestral score ever created) and “Spiderman 3″ (which is really similar to this movie in terms of adding no energy at all to the movie).

VERY funny review, Spoony, but what is up with the shadow casted over your face?? I kept thinking you had like a little gargoyle statue perched up on your book shelf, or like a boom mic that was casting a shadow… it was kind of distracting.

Have to agree with you that part way through the movie, you can’t help but think what is so great about this girl?? She is just so incredibly dull and boring… and like you say, she is VERY selfish. I think she had to be this way though, or there would be no story. If she was like a normal, decent person who could think for even a second about how her actions affect others, the story would have ended a long time ago.

“Here is more proof of Pattinson hates Twilight http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/1/14/Emptwi4.jpg”

More like “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. I’m not sure if I ever declared “Damn you Robert Pattinson” after watching the hype around him, but I think I didn’t. If I ever did, I must apologize. If you are the type of person to uter the words quoted in the link, you are the type of person that deserves respect.

I had to read & study this book (i.e., Twilight and just Twilight) in the classroom setting. :|

Atrocious writing notwithstanding, the themes are just fucked up and disturbing.

TY spoony i needed this. these movies are the worst in the world and i need to ask MUFFINS! how much do movies need to empesiz on muffins 5 scenes with muffins is not nesecary and my freinds never call and say “come over i made muffins”

Great review Spoony

Great review Spoony

http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/7/23/633839569142980630-twilight.jpg

Disthron,
I believe the author himself admited to that allegory of mutants and homossexuals. I mean, just look at Cyclops.

Disthron,
I believe the author himself admited to that allegory of mutants and homossexuals. I mean, just look at Cyclops.

I love how Edward and Bella have the same voice…

Funny stuff, Spoony. Craziest thing was when you got to the end though and you said it was 3:05am. That’s exactly what time it was for me while watching that part! Spooky?

Awesome review. I couldnt help but laugh when u was talking about googling titties. That was funny.

By far your best vlog yet. I agree with everything that you said in this video, especially the parts about Bella.

Also, since when was stalking someone, watching them sleep, and committing suicidal acts because of them considered romantic. In my Health class, they taught us that those were signs of an unhealthy relationship. Since when did this be considered “true love”? This definition of “true love” does NOT work out at all in the real world.

If anyone does believe that this is “true love”, please get some help immediately.

Five letters, one word. O-w-n-e-d.

I haven’t seen either of the Twilight movies, but when you were talking about terrible soundtracks, the one thing that popped in my head was Where The Wild Things Are. Every song was plagued with children’s mouth noise. Ugh.

Great review, too :)

I can’t decide if I will go see this movie to laugh at it or not. I think it would be worth it to laugh in the faces of all the Twitards there…then again I think I might get lynched. 0_o Oh well…I have a gun!

Great review Spoony! I have been waiting for you to tear into this shit pile.

Great review of another chapter in Stephanie Meyer’s sick, twisted, epic fail, Spoony. Why does she keep this up? Why must she torture us with this shit? I have no answers…

This was one of ur greatest reviews i loved it many many laughs great job

I watched this first one last night, it was fucking terrible and after watching this im certinaly not gonna watch the second one lol

I watched this first one last night, it was fucking terrible and after watching this im certinaly not gonna watch the second one lol

why is it never possible to watch a video on this website until two days after it comes out.

That ain’t even the tip of the iceberg with the problems that not only does Bella have, but also the freakin’ writer. I’ve been told by many people who’ve read the entire series and apparently Meyers has a rape and demon-baby fetish as well as thinking a permanent romance between a newborn and a guy who’s equal to the mother’s side is a-ok.

Well done Spoony. I loved your impressions of Insano/Voltuuri, and ghost Edward. Whenever you slipped into those voices I started laughing hysterically and I would enjoy seeing your ghost Cullen sneak into some other reviews to give out safety advice.

Also @ Andrew Joshua Talen: The answer to your question is simple. Smeyer keeps turning out this garbage for one reason. The money. As long as it stays profitable she will keep rehashing the same story. And now I have that one dumb quote from Spaceballs stuck in my head. “We didn’t do it for the money, we did it for the whole shitload of money.”

Oh man great fucking review I loved you doing Ghost Edward that alone made me to go and see this piece of shit movie for free because my mom got a pass from someone. And the gay Voluturi vampire reminds me a bit of Dr. Insano……only gay!

Bella Swan and Stephanie Meyer’s other women characters are the most selfish, weak-willed, dependent on men, sexist characters ever. Teenage love aside, I hate Twilight not just because of the terrible writing, but the fact that Bella uses her friends and leads Jason on. What a great lesson to teach tweens. It’s just sad.

I completely agree with you Spoony.

If you guys think the Twilight romance is contrived… I’m from Salt Lake City… yeah, I’m sorry for me too… If you want to know where all this melodramatic bullshit about what’s “romantic” and “true-love” comes from, I have one suggestion for you… Track down a REAL mormon female and ask her about why she thinks she has to marry a “returned missionary”. “Returned missionary” is basically a term meaning a poor sap who sacrificed 2 years of his/her youth to go somewhere in the world to try to sell people religion. The only reason they think have to marry one is basically because they’re told that from birth… I’ve got tons of stories that relate the Twilight saga to mormon insights… It’s pretty bad…

Oh, and if you ever wanna read one of the funniest books ever! Next time the mormons come to your door, take the complimentary book of mormon, it’s awesome!! If they ever made a movie of it I’d probably see it opening day just for a good laugh…

I busted a gut when you started making comments about why nobody could read Bella’s mind. I knew you were going there as soon as you started the whole bit but I was still laughing my ass off regardless. That’s how good you are, Spoony. Even when I know the punchline is coming you still manage to pull it off and have me rolling on the floor.

You suffered for us and it is highly appreciated. Long live The Spoony One!

Oh noes!
Spoony nips!

I am in shock at how much money this PIECE OF SHIT IS MAKING! New Moon has now officially beaten the Dark Knights single day opening of $67.2 million with $72.7 million and is now the biggest single-day opening in domestic history. JUST WOW! The future of the human race ladies and gentlemen. A movie that is basically softcore porn for teenage girls and has a rotten tomatoes ranking of around 30% makes $72.7 million dollars. I just can’t believe that we are giving our money for shitty movies such as Transformers, X-Men Origins, GI JOE, and this. Has the human race gone backward? Why are we giving money to Hollywood to make such abominations. It’s basically telling Hollywood that they can get away with movies that just focus on explosions, pointless relationships,etc and not have any interesting characters, a good story, and logic. JUST WHY? It makes me want to find Stephanie Myer and Michael Bay and shoot them in the fucking head for making the human race stupid!

Spoony, you deserve a freaking Purple Heart for watching the entirety of that… I don’t even thing THIS THING deserves the title of ‘movie’… and putting up with the creepy-as-hell fanbase of Twi-tards and Twi-Moms.

I’ll confess right now that I read all four books just out of curiosity (though upon finishing the train-wreck that SMeyer dubbed “Breaking Dawn”, I abhorred the series with the intensity of a thousand burning suns) and the more I think about the plots in them, the more I hate the books and the series as a whole. This book’s (as well as Breaking Dawn’s) plot is definitely one of the most infuriating things I’ve read in my life; between the wonderful morals SMeyer gives us such as: “Remember, if your “**TWOO LURVE~**” dumps your ass, your whole life and existence ain’t shit without him”, and “Cockteasing and leading on nice guys who genuinely love you just to fulfill your own ulterior motives is alright because guys only think with their man parts when they see a girl”; the plot in which absolutely nothing happens aside from Bella bitching and moaning about the “HOLE IN MY CHEST BAAAWWWWWW” and shirtless werewolf boys who wrestle with each other (then again, SMeyer claims that “she wrote the books for herself”, and she IS a middle-aged housewife with kids, so this could explain quite a bit); the stupid plot devices and contrivances… it pissed me off and I’m sure my IQ dropped a bit and I’m in the target audience for this shit-biscuit of a book series.

Anyway, your review is one of the best I’ve seen Spoony. It’s a light in a world full of darkness since every single woman seems to be brainwashed by this series and think it’s the best thing ever since sliced bread. Your impressions of Bella, Jacob and Edward “Sparklepants-Rapeface” Cullen were spot on and hilarious, and every single point you made about the sexist themes and piss-poor plot was absolutely correct.

But you know what’s even worse? Eclipse, the third movie, is coming out this summer… I’m just praying that they don’t make a Breaking Dawn movie because… Oh god… that book was just inexcusable.

Great reveiw Spoony, funny as hell, and dead on dude.

Oh and Spoony….
“You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.”
Thank you….

Spoony, you are hitting all the right notes here! Bella is so revoltingly codependent and manipulative, it’s sick. It’s amazing that she was once an otherwise normal, albeit bored and angsty, teenage girl whose mind was completely fucked by an emotionally abusive, sparkling, overly Byronic, Mr.Rochester ripoff. And I guess Edward is supposed to be a girl’s fantasy, but I don’t really see the appeal. I was told by other girls that I don’t get it because I can’t relate to it; no, I guess I can’t relate to being a codependent bitch with a dick boyfriend. I guess I’m not emotionally shallow enough to relate to this stuff either.

I guess what gets all of us fired up, all of us that hate this series, is that people are so stupid and brainless, they buy this shit like it’s purely amazing literature and awesome cinema and we’re offended that our fellow man (and woman) could be that blatantly stupid. There is nothing amazing about the books: they’re poorly written and each book was shit out in a couple months. As if REAL authors can write GOOD books in a couple of months! They’re not researched well, either. They’re just terrible and that bitch is being compared to Anne Rice! How can you compare her to Anne Rice? Rice thoroughly researched for her books and it took her about thirty years to dish them all out! There’s no comparison AT ALL. The movies suck too. The acting is shit and I feel bad saying that, because I’m sure the actors did try given that they had nothing to work with. The soundtrack isn’t memorable, because it seems to rip off a lot of other soundtracks. This series is just terrible! I’m going to stop now, before I wig out and start writing an essay on why the fuck this series sucks so badly and how I’m ashamed about how far humanity has fallen to compare this series to Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights.

Anyway, great review Spoony and I agree that Twilight is somewhat watchable accompanied by Rifftrax. :)

As a woman who has only seen the first of these . . . “movies”, once straight and twice with Rifftrax and is forcing herself to read the book as part of a budding literary reviewing career, I’m just . . . heartsick that this is the literary and cinematic legacy we’re leaving for our teenage girls. Bella is just so not worth the paper on which she’s written. There is nothing there, nothing worth loving, nothing worth hating, nothing worth feeling meh toward, just NOTHING. She is a vortex of suck on all levels, and girls are expected to RESPOND to her? POSITIVELY? I’m just . . . Where are the Elizabeth Bennetts of the modern age? Hell, even Scarlett O’Hara, for all her ballbusting, is a positive example for girls, all things considering. To compare her vapid, mooning, TRU LUV 4 EVA for that sparkling popsicle to Romeo & Juliet, which, as a Shakespearian scholar, I have issues with as well, is as close to blasphemy as one can get. I HATE THESE STICK FIGURES MADE OF WORDS!
Spoony, all men in this commenting forum, as a writer, a scholar, a woman, and a human, I apologize on behalf of the female gender. You know, we had no idea Stephenie Meyers would do this, it didn’t come up at any of the meetings. We will rectify the problem and see that no future “Twilight’-like abominations occur.
God, what a shitty movie. Bring on the Rifftrax.

As a woman who has only seen the first of these . . . “movies”, once straight and twice with Rifftrax and is forcing herself to read the book as part of a budding literary reviewing career, I’m just . . . heartsick that this is the literary and cinematic legacy we’re leaving for our teenage girls. Bella is just so not worth the paper on which she’s written. There is nothing there, nothing worth loving, nothing worth hating, nothing worth feeling meh toward, just NOTHING. She is a vortex of suck on all levels, and girls are expected to RESPOND to her? POSITIVELY? I’m just . . . Where are the Elizabeth Bennetts of the modern age? Hell, even Scarlett O’Hara, for all her ballbusting, is a positive example for girls, all things considering. To compare her vapid, mooning, TRU LUV 4 EVA for that sparkling popsicle to Romeo & Juliet, which, as a Shakespearian scholar, I have issues with as well, is as close to blasphemy as one can get. I HATE THESE STICK FIGURES MADE OF WORDS!
Spoony, all men in this commenting forum, as a writer, a scholar, a woman, and a human, I apologize on behalf of the female gender. You know, we had no idea Stephenie Meyers would do this, it didn’t come up at any of the meetings. We will rectify the problem and see that no future “Twilight’-like abominations occur.
God, what a shitty movie. Bring on the Rifftrax.

Oh yeah, when you give away 10% of all your earnings to the Mormon church, who wouldn’t want to make a whole bunch of money to compensate for that.

Yes, I’m serious. Mormons give up 10% of there earnings to their church. Crazy isn’t it. Why you think they are so well funded and won’t die off like any other cult?

Great review, Spoony! I laughed the whole time. My cheeks hurt now, both pairs. from laughing so much and sitting so long.

The best part of this review is that I know a ton of women in their mid-to-late 20′s who will not shut up about how awesome this movie was and how it was better than the first one. I think I’ve finally got a clear picture, short of seeing it myself, why they say that.

@ Kurtis

They have made a movie about the book of Mormon, saw it at Hollywood video a while back. the really gut burstingly laughable part of what was written on the box. “The unbelievable true story” was the beginning of the statement.

Side-Splittingly funny….man, your reviews could be 3 hours long and I’d cherish every minute, the snarks’ so damn good……And that bit with Edward warning her about her riding (“go the speed limit….beware the dirt’s uneven”) all I could think about was ‘Edward- first a VAMPIRE, now a GPS UNIT!!!’ Boy would THAT sell. I’d be rich, rich I tells you…..MwaaaHaaaHaaa;)

I sure hope Scarlett didnt kill herself out of revulsion that humankind could create such a monstrosity and such a perversion of basic cinema. I’d go to make sure.

Best Vlog ever!

And btw…
Oh Noes! Too Sexy,Too Sexy!….put the nipples away now, Noah ;)

As a citizen of Washington state, I am truly embarassed that the twilight series ever came into existence. I swear I can’t understand why people like this. Its scary. I know otherwise sensible and perfectly nice people who love this series. Could it be some form of brainwashing or hypnosis?

Anyway, another great review spoony.

Kristina. Lady. Don’t.

Apologising on behalf of the female gender? It just makes things WORSE.

Kristina. Lady. Don’t.

Apologising on behalf of the female gender? It just makes things WORSE.

I laughed so hard while listening to this. Speaking as someone who has read the books (I did it for an English paper), and has watched the first film – this description is absolutely 100% true.
In the books, Bella does the same exact thing he describes happens in the film (I haven’t seen it yet). Just wait, there’s more – wait until the 4th one, there’s plenty of cannon fodder there.
Also, with Pattinson’s depiction of Edward is going by his reaction to the books. From the research I did, he signed up for the films before he read the books. After reading the books, in an interview he talks about how horrible the books are. He hates the character of Edward, so I think his portrayal is hilariously accurate. The facial expressions in the first film were so, SO hilarious to me.

My favourite line from this: “They’re all holding it together, because they’re the good vampires. Except for Harpo.”

Hey man you’re awesome let me just say, and also your reviews are phenomenally funny. And I hate emo-twitards personally; only thing about this video I disagree about is underworld, good action flick in my opinion, and as you said bondage leather Kate, good stuff bro keep it up.

One of your best movie reviews in which you just sit in fron of the camera.

You seemed to have picked about the same things I got out of the book. The whole Gay/Mutant thing is new to me. I liked it. Very funny.

I would watch the movie for the lulz, but I don’t want the people to earn money for this shit fest, though I would pay to see an Evil Dead/Twilight/Halloween crossover. It can only get better. You should really review the first one too. Personally I thought it was rather boring, but maybe you can get some jokes out of it.

Very funny review.Even with your recommendation,i won’t go see it though.

Great vlog, Spoony! This truly highlighted my thoughts on the whole series and the hype it has created. Based on recent literary works and Hollywood buffoonry, if I want to watch anything vampire-related, I’ll turn to the Castlevania games and slay Dracula with the Vampire Killer.

Awesome, awesome rant/review. You know, I watched the first movie only recently (yeah, yeah, I’m behind the times); I didn’t have much hope for it, but even that little shred that I had was wiped clean in an instant. It wasn’t that much of a bad movie, as it was fucking BORING. I don’t get how anyone (not even girls!) could possibly enjoy something like this; am I living in a parallel universe or something ?

Anyway, I’ll probably keep myself as far as possible from “New Moon”, because, frankly, I care about my sanity; I can’t even begin to imagine how the third movie will turn out.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some people to call to tell them I MADE MUFFINS!!!

I don’t see how you can blame that mormon chick she created a product which targets a specific audience (teenage girls who are into stories about hopeless love and vampires) Twilight’s characters are shallow and the overall story is not that good in fact it’s a rotting pile of pig vomit but think about it IT FUCKING WORKS this thing does not need to be better because it sells just fine right now Meyer is making a shitload of money from the novels and movies she’s famous has a legion of fans so why bother making a masterpiece or something that is at least decent when this piece of shit sells just fine

I really don’t understand how this franchise is successful. Bella, in both the books and in the movies, is annoying and whinny and codependent and careless and just REALLY unlikeable and Edward is REALLY creepy in the movies and he was creepy in the books but not as much as he is in the movies. And the story is bad and… ugh… the glowing vampires… when I saw the first ‘Twilight’ movie and Edward was glittering in the sun, I laughed my ass off and pissed off the girl I was watching the movie with. Glittering vampires is just so… ugh. Speaks for itself. With such shallow, unlikeable characters and an idiotic storyline, how the HELL is this franchise a ‘success’? I’m a teenage girl. I read the first book and part of the second (the first chapter to be exact). I couldn’t STAND any of it. Maybe its because I have an actual brain and I actually LIKE indepth characters and storylines… I dunno.

Spoony’s review however… I want to see the movie just to laugh at the part with Bella on the bike. That just sounds hilarious. I won’t see it though… the first movie scarred my mind for life. I don’t think I need another scar right next to it.

I really don’t understand how this franchise is successful. Bella, in both the books and in the movies, is annoying and whinny and codependent and careless and just REALLY unlikeable and Edward is REALLY creepy in the movies and he was creepy in the books but not as much as he is in the movies. And the story is bad and… ugh… the glowing vampires… when I saw the first ‘Twilight’ movie and Edward was glittering in the sun, I laughed my ass off and pissed off the girl I was watching the movie with. Glittering vampires is just so… ugh. Speaks for itself. With such shallow, unlikeable characters and an idiotic storyline, how the HELL is this franchise a ‘success’? I’m a teenage girl. I read the first book and part of the second (the first chapter to be exact). I couldn’t STAND any of it. Maybe its because I have an actual brain and I actually LIKE indepth characters and storylines… I dunno.

Spoony’s review however… I want to see the movie just to laugh at the part with Bella on the bike. That just sounds hilarious. I won’t see it though… the first movie scarred my mind for life. I don’t think I need another scar right next to it.

Sorry, Noah, no matter how much you want me to see it, I’m not going to.

Only if you come with me for some Mystery Science Theater tribute fun.

You know, the thing I hate most about this series is the example it is setting for our young girls. I’ve seen 6th graders running around talking about how dreamy Edward is and it makes me sick inside. Edward is everything that these girls should hate in a man. Think about it. He’s possessive, he sneaks into her room and watches her sleep, he’s completely obsessive, and at any time he could fly off the handle and kill her, but that’s ok cause he’s only trying to protect her don’t yah know. I mean COME ON. It doesn’t take a genius to relate him to the stalker wife beater that no-one wants their daughter dating. And this is who is being marketed as the perfect dream date. What’s more this is making women look bad. I’m sitting here thinking to myself “How can women be this stupid?!?!?!” Someone please tell my I died and woke up in bizzaro land cause this makes absolutely no sense.

@Dustin

“if I want to watch anything vampire-related, I’ll turn to the Castlevania games and slay Dracula with the Vampire Killer.”

Thing is, there probably is a lot of fanfic out there involving Edward Cullen and bullwhips as it is, so….

I must say, as nerds we owe a certain debt to Twilight because now Anakin and Padme are no longer the most laughable romance in film history. Though I do feel bad for all the teenage boys that have to deal with a generation of females that have soaked up this author’s weird sexual issues. Oh, for the halcyon days when they worst you could do was “Titanic”!

@Dustin

“if I want to watch anything vampire-related, I’ll turn to the Castlevania games and slay Dracula with the Vampire Killer.”

Thing is, there probably is a lot of fanfic out there involving Edward Cullen and bullwhips as it is, so….

I must say, as nerds we owe a certain debt to Twilight because now Anakin and Padme are no longer the most laughable romance in film history. Though I do feel bad for all the teenage boys that have to deal with a generation of females that have soaked up this author’s weird sexual issues. Oh, for the halcyon days when they worst you could do was “Titanic”!

Bella deserves a Goldberg concussion kick to the head!

Good fucking LORD SPOONY

50 minutes? I’ve been a fan of your reviews, but these vlogs are the absolute worst. I put this shit on as background noise as I went to do something else, and it still managed to put me to sleep.

You talk about shit sucking the energy out the viewer, well, this vlog pretty much does that.

Also, what’s the point to the video portion of this? Why would I want to sit around and stare at your mug for 50 minutes? This could have at least been an audio file because YOU DON’T MAKE USE OF THE VIDEO MEDIUM AT ALL IN THIS. Though, that wouldn’t have saved it from being unbelievably tedious to listen to.

Spoony, you’re a good reviewer, but god damn it, I hope blip.tv bills you for these god damn vlogs. It might keep you from making them instead of some quality content.

i was looking for horse titties in my google search and it sent me here.

Wow, after you described the stiff-arm into plate glass bit, I immediately got this image of Edward running up in slow motion and just cranking Bella in the jaw with some Shaolin Monk thrusting palm strike and seeing her barrel into a china closet. My God, this is the man she loves. I can just imagine the Domestic Abuse charge Edward would have to answer to.
“So, let me get this straight, Mr. Cullen. Your girlfriend cut her finger on some wrapping paper, and your immediate reaction was to embed her into the wall?”
“You don’t understand! I was saving her!”

@ Dick Tracey

“why bother making a masterpiece or something that is at least decent when this piece of shit sells just fine”

I can only thank the lord not everyone thinks like you. As an engineer its my priority to make sure everything I have a hand in is a masterpeice, otherwise people like you couldn’t enjoy driving your cars across bridges (which would collapse if unprepared for unlikely, yet deadly windspeeds) and I couldn’t sleep at night.
I have no idea how Meyer sleeps at night though…

Pattinson probably seems like he’s in agony because he hates being Edward. And he hates Twilight. I think the poor bastard had no idea what he was getting into XD

And I thought the same thing too, if I saw someone sparkling my first thought wouldn’t be “holy shit a vampire!”

And what’s with ghost!Edward? Is he SO controlling that she’s internalized it? God I hate Twilight, teaching little girls that this relationship is anywhere near functional and romantic is irresponsible.

@TheInterbutt

What is your problem. Don’t watch the vlogs then. A lot of us enjoy the vlogs, they are funny and informative like the reviews but are different as well. Why are you complaining when he is doing it for free and it’s his website so just skip the vlogs.

Spoony, you look tired… get some sleep! Please.

But thanks for the very entertaining video. Especially your Ghost-Edward-performance had me smiling all the way through.

Spoony, you look tired… get some sleep! Please.

But thanks for the very entertaining video. Especially your Ghost-Edward-performance had me smiling all the way through.

holy shit you look ill in this vid. but i suppose twilight does that to ya.

Just saw a picture of Jacob. Does anyone realize the HILARIOUS irony of a werewolf who waxes his chest?

with properly huge hype-making machine, you can sell every shit, it seems,
thank god this fad evaded my country.

love the grabscreen, i was laughing like 5 min. just from that alone,
- oh my god, this movie nearly killed him

You have put me in a good mood. Thank you.

Back in my day, girls at least read Danielle Steele, which at least had sex. Even Harlequin romances had it.

I think all fans and Stephanie Miller should be forced to listen to audiotapes of the classic manCheese novel that is Louis L’Amour while watching hardcore vampire porn like Dracula Sucks, Dracula Exotica, and Dark Angels nonstop for a year.

Spoony, in your extra comment, You hit the nail ON THE HEAD about why I hate vampires. She is selfish, self consumed, only cares about herself and physical pleasure, is willing to use people to get what she needs, only interested in lusts of the flesh. It’s very ironic when I realize it, but these are the traits OF A VAMPIRE. This is literally the defining trait of why vampires are evil. She’s more of a vampiress than Edward by far.

I was thrown out of the theater. I guess I was with all die hard Twilight New Moon fans because about 45 minutes into me ripping on it the manager comes puts his hand on my shoulder and says buddy either shut up or leave. So instead of throwing down with the guy and going to jail I left and on my way out I yelled ” FUCK THIS MOVIE I’M GLAD I’M NOT A SHEEP LIKE THE REST OF YOU BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Seriously it’s sad that people actually paid money (I only went cause I had a free pass and had nothing better to do) to see this god awful piece of shit Oh and the first time they warned me the guys not two feet away from me and Jacob comes on screen and I’m like “Take a Bath Hippie!” I was kinda pissed I didn’t get to the part where he takes his shirt off because I was going to yell “STEROIDS!!!!”

I know know this was probably bad form on my part but I’m sorry you just can’t take this movie seriously.

Like when Bella is sitting in her room looking out the window and the seasons change and they put up what month it is when December came up I was laughing like Max Caddy was in the movie theater scene in Cape Fear and wishing I was smoking a big ass cigar.

I was thrown out of the theater. I guess I was with all die hard Twilight New Moon fans because about 45 minutes into me ripping on it the manager comes puts his hand on my shoulder and says buddy either shut up or leave. So instead of throwing down with the guy and going to jail I left and on my way out I yelled ” FUCK THIS MOVIE I’M GLAD I’M NOT A SHEEP LIKE THE REST OF YOU BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Seriously it’s sad that people actually paid money (I only went cause I had a free pass and had nothing better to do) to see this god awful piece of shit Oh and the first time they warned me the guys not two feet away from me and Jacob comes on screen and I’m like “Take a Bath Hippie!” I was kinda pissed I didn’t get to the part where he takes his shirt off because I was going to yell “STEROIDS!!!!”

I know know this was probably bad form on my part but I’m sorry you just can’t take this movie seriously.

Like when Bella is sitting in her room looking out the window and the seasons change and they put up what month it is when December came up I was laughing like Max Caddy was in the movie theater scene in Cape Fear and wishing I was smoking a big ass cigar.

I watched this movie yesterday and was checking through the comments of the website where I found the video and saw this:

“I reckon teenagers everywhere will look back when they’re older and say ‘WTF was I thinking?!?’ ”

“Excuse me?!? I’m 30-years-old and I certainly know WTF I’m thinking!!!!!!” >:((

LOL

I demand that Spoony (+ any other critic) make a MST3K video of them watching both movies. Live. UStream or whatever. Now that I would watch.

I demand that Spoony (+ any other critic) make a MST3K video of them watching both movies. Live. UStream or whatever. Now that I would watch.

I had to pause the video after 25.00 because I was laughing hysterical on the keyboard.
Your so right when you say that remark that the way the werewolf said it it really sounds like a gay man trying to explain for someone why his gay.
But what I’ve really been wondering is how in fucks name anyone could pass them as werewolfs when they don’t look like werewolfs, werewolf are half man and half wolf yet the new moons werewolf looks more like wolf who can morph whenever they fucking please to even during day. If they can turn into a wolf whenever they please they are not fucking werewolf, a werewolf turn into the monster against his will and loses his memory during it acting in pure instinct, to kill and feed so to speak. The classic example from books are that the werewolf wakes up on the floor covered in his wifes and childrens blood and that the man have no memory of what have happened.
But why should I even care that they mess up werewolf lore when they say that Vampires in sunshine glitters….

I had to pause the video after 25.00 because I was laughing hysterical on the keyboard.
Your so right when you say that remark that the way the werewolf said it it really sounds like a gay man trying to explain for someone why his gay.
But what I’ve really been wondering is how in fucks name anyone could pass them as werewolfs when they don’t look like werewolfs, werewolf are half man and half wolf yet the new moons werewolf looks more like wolf who can morph whenever they fucking please to even during day. If they can turn into a wolf whenever they please they are not fucking werewolf, a werewolf turn into the monster against his will and loses his memory during it acting in pure instinct, to kill and feed so to speak. The classic example from books are that the werewolf wakes up on the floor covered in his wifes and childrens blood and that the man have no memory of what have happened.
But why should I even care that they mess up werewolf lore when they say that Vampires in sunshine glitters….

I actually thought Kristen Stewart did a great job in the Panic Room. It’s too bad she moved to this after junk like Zarathura.

I actually thought Kristen Stewart did a great job in the Panic Room. It’s too bad she moved to this after junk like Zarathura.

Good thing i didn’t waste my money on that tripe of a movie. I’d spend the rest of the night head-desking.

So much for Transformers 2 being the utter worst movie of the year. But hey at least this year’s “blockbusters” are gonna be a boon for RiffTrax!

This was easily one of Spoony’s best reviews/vlogs.

This was easily one of Spoony’s best reviews/vlogs.

Yes, I did relate to Bella when I saw New Moon. Because I am mentally disturbed and have had to seek help. I don’t think they were trying to portray her in any other way than that, regardless of whatever Stephenie Meyers books were trying to do.
But this isn’t about New Moon. Hell, I haven’t even watched your vlog about it because if I don’t like what you say, that’s my problem, and watching your stuff is completely optional. This is about the text you put under the video that I was reckless enough to read.
I love you, dude, but I really don’t need people using the thing that sometimes makes my life a living hell as an insult.
My girlfriend has had to take care of me when I’m shaking so hard she can’t hold me down just because I can’t handle existing, and she herself has had to learn how to not constantly see people who aren’t really there, so we could both find something in the movie to relate to. That does not make either of us stupid, or worthy of any of your venom.

I know, you’re a critic/comedian and if you had to constantly worry about hurting someone you wouldn’t be able to do your thing, and I love watching your videos so it would be a shame for you to stop. That’s not what I’m about here. I mean, I can take the occasional gay joke without getting personal about it (being gay and all) because most of them make me laugh and, as far as I’ve understood you, you don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to be gay.

Well, in this little text of yours you equalled liking this thing you really hate with being mentally ill. That is something quite different. Maybe I completely misunderstood you, and even if I didn’t this probably won’t change anything (I’m guessing you won’t even see this comment), but I’ll feel better now having said it, so thanks for giving us fans the option to comment on your stuff.

/La Maupin

Yes, I did relate to Bella when I saw New Moon. Because I am mentally disturbed and have had to seek help. I don’t think they were trying to portray her in any other way than that, regardless of whatever Stephenie Meyers books were trying to do.
But this isn’t about New Moon. Hell, I haven’t even watched your vlog about it because if I don’t like what you say, that’s my problem, and watching your stuff is completely optional. This is about the text you put under the video that I was reckless enough to read.
I love you, dude, but I really don’t need people using the thing that sometimes makes my life a living hell as an insult.
My girlfriend has had to take care of me when I’m shaking so hard she can’t hold me down just because I can’t handle existing, and she herself has had to learn how to not constantly see people who aren’t really there, so we could both find something in the movie to relate to. That does not make either of us stupid, or worthy of any of your venom.

I know, you’re a critic/comedian and if you had to constantly worry about hurting someone you wouldn’t be able to do your thing, and I love watching your videos so it would be a shame for you to stop. That’s not what I’m about here. I mean, I can take the occasional gay joke without getting personal about it (being gay and all) because most of them make me laugh and, as far as I’ve understood you, you don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to be gay.

Well, in this little text of yours you equalled liking this thing you really hate with being mentally ill. That is something quite different. Maybe I completely misunderstood you, and even if I didn’t this probably won’t change anything (I’m guessing you won’t even see this comment), but I’ll feel better now having said it, so thanks for giving us fans the option to comment on your stuff.

/La Maupin

I’ve seen the first movie, Twilight, out of shear curiosity on why the movie, and the book for that matter, was so popular. And I think you hit the nail right on the head, Spoony. It’s a visual representation of a female fantasy novel. What made me hate the first movie was the character Bella. At one sight of Edward she was psychotically in love with a person whom she never met nor seen, with the exception of seeing him for the first time at the school cafeteria which, sadly, keeps her mental instability rolling by expressing how much she missed him and all she thought about was Edward. Unicorns and rainbows – Crazy talk I say! What’s worse is, according to the one person who has read the entire series – my girl friend, that one of the main things Bella wanted to do is lose her virginity to Edward. Mind you this was her thoughts mere minutes after she seen this guy. What?

It’s clear that these series of books and movies are meant for pre-teen female adolescence. And it’s sad to think that products like these is what girls will look forward to in the future.

I’ve seen the first movie, Twilight, out of shear curiosity on why the movie, and the book for that matter, was so popular. And I think you hit the nail right on the head, Spoony. It’s a visual representation of a female fantasy novel. What made me hate the first movie was the character Bella. At one sight of Edward she was psychotically in love with a person whom she never met nor seen, with the exception of seeing him for the first time at the school cafeteria which, sadly, keeps her mental instability rolling by expressing how much she missed him and all she thought about was Edward. Unicorns and rainbows – Crazy talk I say! What’s worse is, according to the one person who has read the entire series – my girl friend, that one of the main things Bella wanted to do is lose her virginity to Edward. Mind you this was her thoughts mere minutes after she seen this guy. What?

It’s clear that these series of books and movies are meant for pre-teen female adolescence. And it’s sad to think that products like these is what girls will look forward to in the future.

Hilarious review Spoony. What’s really sick about this movie being a 2 hour long man-meat show is when you hear somewhere that most of the meat is underage. My 50 year old mother is absolutely obsessed with the “saga” (I feel dirty using that word to describe this tripe) and thinks the kids that play the werewolves are the hottest thing ever. Between the bad music, poor acting and swooning females, I think I may stay away from the theaters til this shit’s done…I’m about to give up on Hollywood anyway; between book movies, crappy video game movies and remakes I’m starting to wonder if they’re out of real ideas. How sad. keep it up Spoony

Hilarious review Spoony. What’s really sick about this movie being a 2 hour long man-meat show is when you hear somewhere that most of the meat is underage. My 50 year old mother is absolutely obsessed with the “saga” (I feel dirty using that word to describe this tripe) and thinks the kids that play the werewolves are the hottest thing ever. Between the bad music, poor acting and swooning females, I think I may stay away from the theaters til this shit’s done…I’m about to give up on Hollywood anyway; between book movies, crappy video game movies and remakes I’m starting to wonder if they’re out of real ideas. How sad. keep it up Spoony

Pattinson is a really good troll. He’s in this flick because of the money and due to contract; he hates his role; he supposedly leaked out a new Twilight book. Thus, the whole constipated look is due to him trying really hard not to laugh at the script.
Man, I like that guy.

But yeah, GG Spoony. You did well.

Pattinson is a really good troll. He’s in this flick because of the money and due to contract; he hates his role; he supposedly leaked out a new Twilight book. Thus, the whole constipated look is due to him trying really hard not to laugh at the script.
Man, I like that guy.

But yeah, GG Spoony. You did well.

I partially blame the actress for Bella (Kristen Stewart). I haven’t sat through the Twilight movies partially due to the fact I saw her in Adventureland and just thought she was terrible. From what you described, she was basically the same needy weak girl character that ‘no one understood’ and although this one guy is just perfectly nice to her, she kept going back to the married maitenance guy (although Ryan Reynolds is pretty hot) and was just very deceiving. She also just seems very emo, along with everything I see Twilight related. I just hope movies like this don’t make guys think that all girls are needy and whiny like that and you could do so much better.

I’m a girl and I can’t stand anything Twilight related

I partially blame the actress for Bella (Kristen Stewart). I haven’t sat through the Twilight movies partially due to the fact I saw her in Adventureland and just thought she was terrible. From what you described, she was basically the same needy weak girl character that ‘no one understood’ and although this one guy is just perfectly nice to her, she kept going back to the married maitenance guy (although Ryan Reynolds is pretty hot) and was just very deceiving. She also just seems very emo, along with everything I see Twilight related. I just hope movies like this don’t make guys think that all girls are needy and whiny like that and you could do so much better.

I’m a girl and I can’t stand anything Twilight related

Wait… why did you watch New moon again? Did scarlett drag you along? Or do you like to suffer? I’m going to go with you like to suffer. I didn’t watch transformers 2, first twilight and ‘m not even considering new moon, and I would not even consider paying for them at all… I know I actually should see them for myself to make my own opinion about them, but I rather save the time and money.

I would just like to say I find it highly, highly amusing that so many guys find it so difficult to deal with the…how did one commentator put it…the “man-meat” aspect of this movie. These are, for the most part, the same guys who drool over Slave Lea (or any number of scantiliy clad female characters–superhero and otherwise) aimed at the male-geek demographic. Not very easy to stomach when your gender is being disparaged, oogled, and jerked-off too (and when all this is being discussed ad-nauseum and in great and disgusting detail among fans) is it, gents? And because this is the internet, I’ll add that that wasn’t intended to be snarky (well okay maybe just a little), just a genuine comment on the way the shoe is on the other foot when it comes to this series. I don’t like it any more than I like staring at a male fanservice ‘super-heroine’s’ G-cups, believe me, and am looking forward to the day when characters are just…*characters,* are treated with equal respect regardless of gender or what people think will sell tickets/comics/games/what have you.

I would just like to say I find it highly, highly amusing that so many guys find it so difficult to deal with the…how did one commentator put it…the “man-meat” aspect of this movie. These are, for the most part, the same guys who drool over Slave Lea (or any number of scantiliy clad female characters–superhero and otherwise) aimed at the male-geek demographic. Not very easy to stomach when your gender is being disparaged, oogled, and jerked-off too (and when all this is being discussed ad-nauseum and in great and disgusting detail among fans) is it, gents? And because this is the internet, I’ll add that that wasn’t intended to be snarky (well okay maybe just a little), just a genuine comment on the way the shoe is on the other foot when it comes to this series. I don’t like it any more than I like staring at a male fanservice ‘super-heroine’s’ G-cups, believe me, and am looking forward to the day when characters are just…*characters,* are treated with equal respect regardless of gender or what people think will sell tickets/comics/games/what have you.

Congratulations, you just made New Moon funny.

Congratulations, you just made New Moon funny.

Wow…How do you fuck up “Ware-wolves chase vampire”? That souldn’t be possible. Oh, and I think we should all just assume that Noah was forced at gun point into the theater.

Wow…How do you fuck up “Ware-wolves chase vampire”? That souldn’t be possible. Oh, and I think we should all just assume that Noah was forced at gun point into the theater.

Another excellent review from the Spoony one.

Having said that, I need to try this Riffrax thing out but in order to do that, I need the DVD of Twilight . . . hmm, hard choice indeed

Another excellent review from the Spoony one.

Having said that, I need to try this Riffrax thing out but in order to do that, I need the DVD of Twilight . . . hmm, hard choice indeed

My only question is: Was this shittier than a Mormon prom?

Missed a perfect callback…

My only question is: Was this shittier than a Mormon prom?

Missed a perfect callback…

I can’t bring myself to watch this movie, I never even finished the first Twilight movie. Tried to watch it straight, didn’t make it past 20 minutes. Tried to watch the RiffTrax version of it, made it MAYBE an hour in after literally 2 weeks of watching it about 10 minutes at a time. I couldn’t take anymore of it, even with the funny commentary. I would seriously look at the time, expecting maybe 30 minutes gone and it would only be 10 minutes more then when I started, thats when I was like fuck that and shut it off, only to try again in the next few days. Can you believe it made, what was it? 79 million opening weekend? Wait, I can believe, because this god awful movie has a huge fan base, but not me, not any of my friends, no one in my immediate family other then my 14 year old niece will plan on watching let alone buying any of these movies. Vampire movies will never be the same and it makes me sad. Now every time someone mentions vampires, I’ll have to ask “Do they sparkle?”

I can’t bring myself to watch this movie, I never even finished the first Twilight movie. Tried to watch it straight, didn’t make it past 20 minutes. Tried to watch the RiffTrax version of it, made it MAYBE an hour in after literally 2 weeks of watching it about 10 minutes at a time. I couldn’t take anymore of it, even with the funny commentary. I would seriously look at the time, expecting maybe 30 minutes gone and it would only be 10 minutes more then when I started, thats when I was like fuck that and shut it off, only to try again in the next few days. Can you believe it made, what was it? 79 million opening weekend? Wait, I can believe, because this god awful movie has a huge fan base, but not me, not any of my friends, no one in my immediate family other then my 14 year old niece will plan on watching let alone buying any of these movies. Vampire movies will never be the same and it makes me sad. Now every time someone mentions vampires, I’ll have to ask “Do they sparkle?”

Vampire muffins? The hell!?

Vampire muffins? The hell!?

Oh forgot to mention, Great review Spoony! When I saw it was about New Moon, I knew it would going to be a kick ass, funny as hell review and I always check for new content, mostly using your news feed.

Oh forgot to mention, Great review Spoony! When I saw it was about New Moon, I knew it would going to be a kick ass, funny as hell review and I always check for new content, mostly using your news feed.

Since you mentioned it as a comedy, I wanted to know if you have seen Dance me Outside. I would love to see someone compare those two movies.

Oh forgot to mention, Great review Spoony! When I saw it was about New Moon, I knew it would going to be a kick ass, funny as hell review and I always check for new content, mostly using your news feed.

Ok… I’m almost done with the video, but I just gotta say, I just cracked the hell up at “they’re just about to kiss and someone bursts in the door and shouts “I MADE MUFFINS!!”"

Also, yes… definitely porn for girls. I concur.

Ok… I’m almost done with the video, but I just gotta say, I just cracked the hell up at “they’re just about to kiss and someone bursts in the door and shouts “I MADE MUFFINS!!”"

Also, yes… definitely porn for girls. I concur.

As I see more of the Twilight saga, I’m noticing more and more parallels between it and Final Fantasy VII. Retarded fanbase and some of the most irrational, unlikable, and unrealistic characters ever created. How are we supposed to identify with these characters?

Trust me, as a guy who likes guys, there are better movies with slabs o hunk o men in them; I’m not going neat the Twilight series unless with an oak stake and a hammer.

As I see more of the Twilight saga, I’m noticing more and more parallels between it and Final Fantasy VII. Retarded fanbase and some of the most irrational, unlikable, and unrealistic characters ever created. How are we supposed to identify with these characters?

You basically took the words out of my mouth.

This seriously filthy porn for girls is just…. ugh.

I’ve read the books. I just…. CHRIST.

Bella/Meyer is the biggest bitch in the Universe.

You basically took the words out of my mouth.

This seriously filthy porn for girls is just…. ugh.

I’ve read the books. I just…. CHRIST.

Bella/Meyer is the biggest bitch in the Universe.

@ The Interbutt:

You are a schmuck.

That is all.

@ The Interbutt:

You are a schmuck.

That is all.

*wince* Oops, I think my original comment got nuked due to the link in it. Sorry about that. I’ll just say that if you want an additional wonderful take on the Twilight series, its well worth looking at MovieBob’s column over at The Escapist. Not nearly as funny as Spoony, but very good nonetheless.

Spoony, this was an awesome, AWESOME review, and I liked your written take on Bella’s character (“and another thing…!” even better than I liked the video, honestly. (This is probably not news to you but you write very, very well–in fact your written reviews are some of my favorite things on the site. Personally I’d love to see more of them. Or at least more extensive written supplements to videos, like the one you did here.) Anyway, very astute observations on the movie and on Bella herself. Excellent work sir.

*wince* Oops, I think my original comment got nuked due to the link in it. Sorry about that. I’ll just say that if you want an additional wonderful take on the Twilight series, its well worth looking at MovieBob’s column over at The Escapist. Not nearly as funny as Spoony, but very good nonetheless.

Spoony, this was an awesome, AWESOME review, and I liked your written take on Bella’s character (“and another thing…!” even better than I liked the video, honestly. (This is probably not news to you but you write very, very well–in fact your written reviews are some of my favorite things on the site. Personally I’d love to see more of them. Or at least more extensive written supplements to videos, like the one you did here.) Anyway, very astute observations on the movie and on Bella herself. Excellent work sir.

Hahaha,, i this was seriously the second best movie review you have done…(after yor ofc) this was comedy gold, damn spoony, you make the world a better place xD

Hahaha,, i this was seriously the second best movie review you have done…(after yor ofc) this was comedy gold, damn spoony, you make the world a better place xD

DON’T unplug the toaster Bella. DON’T take it to the bathroom. DON’T put it in the tub while the water is running….

DON’T unplug the toaster Bella. DON’T take it to the bathroom. DON’T put it in the tub while the water is running….

I’m sorry to say that my school has this series of books available for purchase alongside standard text books and traditional American and international classics. Wtf? Spoony took his time to do it but he summed it up, sort of, at the end by implying that it’s just wank fodder for girls and gays.

All I really knew before taking in the vitriolic commentary by Spoony and other like-minded people was that it had shitty vampires. Now I know it also has shitty humans, and they’re involved in a shitty story for shitty reasons.

Seriously, how to people come to like these awful characters? It’s all ridiculous emo garbage that lacks so much substance you wonder how anyone is even aware of it. How are the books these movies are based on in my school book store?

I enjoyed the lengthy review btw. I’d rather hear about exactly why something sucks rather than just being told it does.

Oh I almost forgot to mention shitty werewolves. Can’t forget the shitty werewolves!

I’m sorry to say that my school has this series of books available for purchase alongside standard text books and traditional American and international classics. Wtf? Spoony took his time to do it but he summed it up, sort of, at the end by implying that it’s just wank fodder for girls and gays.

All I really knew before taking in the vitriolic commentary by Spoony and other like-minded people was that it had shitty vampires. Now I know it also has shitty humans, and they’re involved in a shitty story for shitty reasons.

Seriously, how to people come to like these awful characters? It’s all ridiculous emo garbage that lacks so much substance you wonder how anyone is even aware of it. How are the books these movies are based on in my school book store?

I enjoyed the lengthy review btw. I’d rather hear about exactly why something sucks rather than just being told it does.

Oh I almost forgot to mention shitty werewolves. Can’t forget the shitty werewolves!

I’ve actually took the time to read those books. I’ve considered doing something like “A guy’s view on Twilight” or something like that. Like posting on the TGWTG forums or something. Wonder if anyone would give a shit…

I’m sorry to say that my school has this series of books available for purchase alongside standard text books and traditional American and international classics. Wtf? Spoony took his time to do it but he summed it up, sort of, at the end by implying that it’s just wank fodder for girls and gays.

All I really knew before taking in the vitriolic commentary by Spoony and other like-minded people was that it had shitty vampires. Now I know it also has shitty humans, and they’re involved in a shitty story for shitty reasons.

Seriously, how to people come to like these awful characters? It’s all ridiculous emo garbage that lacks so much substance you wonder how anyone is even aware of it. How are the books these movies are based on in my school book store?

I enjoyed the lengthy review btw. I’d rather hear about exactly why something sucks rather than just being told it does.

Oh I almost forgot to mention shitty werewolves. Can’t forget the shitty werewolves!

Argh, I’m probably going to get bombarded for this but..a couple things:
In the book it’s explained that when Edward left, he didn’t forget about Victoria. He was tracking her, though he admits he wasn’t doing too well with that (he was led off on a fake trail, to where I completely forget, though I know it started in Texas.) I have no clue what the movies explanation is…
In vampiric speed, I would think it would take about 5 minutes at most to get packed up. Also, he wouldn’t be taking everything with him. And anyway, he would probably just need to take money with him.
I dunno about the phone thing, but if she did call him, I don’t think he would answer.
The werewolves always lived in Forks.
In the book to me Bella seems much more independent and..likeable I guess. When she comes out of her “trance” and notices how much harm she’s done to the people around her, she feels terrible and tries to get over it.

Not trying to protect the movie or anything. I hate hate HATE the movies…but yeah, just wanted to point out some things. g’day

Argh, I’m probably going to get bombarded for this but..a couple things:
In the book it’s explained that when Edward left, he didn’t forget about Victoria. He was tracking her, though he admits he wasn’t doing too well with that (he was led off on a fake trail, to where I completely forget, though I know it started in Texas.) I have no clue what the movies explanation is…
In vampiric speed, I would think it would take about 5 minutes at most to get packed up. Also, he wouldn’t be taking everything with him. And anyway, he would probably just need to take money with him.
I dunno about the phone thing, but if she did call him, I don’t think he would answer.
The werewolves always lived in Forks.
In the book to me Bella seems much more independent and..likeable I guess. When she comes out of her “trance” and notices how much harm she’s done to the people around her, she feels terrible and tries to get over it.

Not trying to protect the movie or anything. I hate hate HATE the movies…but yeah, just wanted to point out some things. g’day

Someone needs to do a remake of the original Dracula story. But more like the Universal one from 1931, with an emphasis on atmosphere, but of course with a little bit of blood. The damage that series like Twilight and True Blood have done to the awesome vampire mythology set by Bram Stoker, making them seem like bitches instead of the badass image set by Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, (I’m straight, but I’m pretty sure they’re not meant to be eye candy), is inexcusable. And the stars of the movies are such crappy, melodramatic actors, I can’t fucking stand it >.<

Someone needs to do a remake of the original Dracula story. But more like the Universal one from 1931, with an emphasis on atmosphere, but of course with a little bit of blood. The damage that series like Twilight and True Blood have done to the awesome vampire mythology set by Bram Stoker, making them seem like bitches instead of the badass image set by Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, (I’m straight, but I’m pretty sure they’re not meant to be eye candy), is inexcusable. And the stars of the movies are such crappy, melodramatic actors, I can’t fucking stand it >.<

Spoony, I seriously hope that since you make money off your work you get to write off the cost of tickets to these movies on your taxes as business expenses. No one should have to pay money to put themselves through misery like this. Thanks for confirming that my avoidance of anything related to this series was correct.

Spoony, I seriously hope that since you make money off your work you get to write off the cost of tickets to these movies on your taxes as business expenses. No one should have to pay money to put themselves through misery like this. Thanks for confirming that my avoidance of anything related to this series was correct.

ALL HAIL THE SPOONY ONE

Lord do I hate this series. Vegetarian vampires that sparkle, Whiny and spoiled good looking girls crying because she’ll have to get old? Really? If Bram saw what would become of his creation, I am sure he would have hurled it into the fire for kindling. The only way this movie would have been good is if Wesley Snipes appeared at the end as Blade, violently killing the sad excuse for vamps and weres, and leaving Bella alive to age. Hell, it should be the ending for both books and movies alike, as the books are truly just as bad, if not worst. It’s like all the bad Anne Rice fanfiction and all the Final Fantasy fanfiction came together and had the anti-christ ruler of all bad fan fiction. I’ve read stories by teenagers that had better character development and mythology.

And the thing that gets me the most is that this series was made for adolescents, kids too young to know the difference between fantasy and real life. Abusive relationships, suicide due to loss of a man, and having parents who just “don’t get it” are nothing new to the books in the romance section. But those are made for adults, people who know reading them will let them exercise dark themes in their minds in a safe way; people who (hopefully) know that it is not okay to let anyone rule your life. If this was just another trashy romance novel, I wouldn’t care, but to be so immoral as to merchandise this to kids is pretty fucking sick.

I applaud Spoony for actually making the series funny and smart. And I know this series is the perfect troll fodder, but Spoony once again gives his original take to prove he’s not just jumping on the band wagon. Awesome job, SpoonyOne. Twilight doesn’t deserve you making it so entertaining.

Lord do I hate this series. Vegetarian vampires that sparkle, Whiny and spoiled good looking girls crying because she’ll have to get old? Really? If Bram saw what would become of his creation, I am sure he would have hurled it into the fire for kindling. The only way this movie would have been good is if Wesley Snipes appeared at the end as Blade, violently killing the sad excuse for vamps and weres, and leaving Bella alive to age. Hell, it should be the ending for both books and movies alike, as the books are truly just as bad, if not worst. It’s like all the bad Anne Rice fanfiction and all the Final Fantasy fanfiction came together and had the anti-christ ruler of all bad fan fiction. I’ve read stories by teenagers that had better character development and mythology.

And the thing that gets me the most is that this series was made for adolescents, kids too young to know the difference between fantasy and real life. Abusive relationships, suicide due to loss of a man, and having parents who just “don’t get it” are nothing new to the books in the romance section. But those are made for adults, people who know reading them will let them exercise dark themes in their minds in a safe way; people who (hopefully) know that it is not okay to let anyone rule your life. If this was just another trashy romance novel, I wouldn’t care, but to be so immoral as to merchandise this to kids is pretty fucking sick.

I applaud Spoony for actually making the series funny and smart. And I know this series is the perfect troll fodder, but Spoony once again gives his original take to prove he’s not just jumping on the band wagon. Awesome job, SpoonyOne. Twilight doesn’t deserve you making it so entertaining.

Going back to X-Men real fast, its not a homosexuality allusion, its an everything taboo allusion. Gay, Atheist, BDSM, etc. Its a universal thing.

But back on topic… why would you go to see this in the first place you could have predicted all of this drivel and done a 20 min review out your ass. Why did you subject yourself?

Going back to X-Men real fast, its not a homosexuality allusion, its an everything taboo allusion. Gay, Atheist, BDSM, etc. Its a universal thing.

But back on topic… why would you go to see this in the first place you could have predicted all of this drivel and done a 20 min review out your ass. Why did you subject yourself?

Ahh xD Sorry, forgot some other stuff.

Edward learned about Bella being “killed” through Rosalie…who found out through Alice, who found out through her physic abilities (though she can only see vampire and human futures, since she was a human once and is a vampire.)
Vampires are extremely hard to kill. The book says there is only one way to kill a vampire, which is to shred them to pieces and set the pieces on fire. Jumping in front of a train wouldn’t work.
Now that I think of it, you have good point about his plan. I guess the Volturi would just be worried that people’s imaginations would go wild.
In the book (yeah I know I cite the book alot, mainly because I’m thinking that the people who made the movie assumed only people who read the books would want to watch the movies…) Edward threw his cellphone into a garbage can after Rosalie called him.
Alice tells Bella (again, in the book) that you can actually lie with your thoughts, so Edward wouldn’t believe Alice if she ran over there and told him Bella was alive.
Not all vampires have special powers. Just some.
You like muffins, don’t you? xD

Ahh xD Sorry, forgot some other stuff.

Edward learned about Bella being “killed” through Rosalie…who found out through Alice, who found out through her physic abilities (though she can only see vampire and human futures, since she was a human once and is a vampire.)
Vampires are extremely hard to kill. The book says there is only one way to kill a vampire, which is to shred them to pieces and set the pieces on fire. Jumping in front of a train wouldn’t work.
Now that I think of it, you have good point about his plan. I guess the Volturi would just be worried that people’s imaginations would go wild.
In the book (yeah I know I cite the book alot, mainly because I’m thinking that the people who made the movie assumed only people who read the books would want to watch the movies…) Edward threw his cellphone into a garbage can after Rosalie called him.
Alice tells Bella (again, in the book) that you can actually lie with your thoughts, so Edward wouldn’t believe Alice if she ran over there and told him Bella was alive.
Not all vampires have special powers. Just some.
You like muffins, don’t you? xD

Oh
I hate Twilight and all but Bram Stoker did not create Vampires
It goes back way before then but it still is close to the myths.

Oh
I hate Twilight and all but Bram Stoker did not create Vampires
It goes back way before then but it still is close to the myths.

@ Seth
In my defense, I do know where the vampire mythology comes from historically, but as far as books go, Bram Stoker’s is the first one I can think of that’s made it to today’s audiences

@ Seth
In my defense, I do know where the vampire mythology comes from historically, but as far as books go, Bram Stoker’s is the first one I can think of that’s made it to today’s audiences

I realize that when these kids grow up, 10 years from now, they will probably hate this crap. The middle aged fans will probably forget why they remembered it as well.

Personally, I think a major reason why this is so huge is not only do the fans obsess over it, but there are some haters who absolutely love how asinine the series is (not unlike myself). Though personally, I would just recommend watching the Rifftrax version of the movies; I’ve never read or seen anything else and I don’t plan to (Plus I never heard of it until the movie was about to be released)

All that aside, being a little upset about your Final Fantasy VIII review (I personally loved it for the great gameplay, but I still somewhat liked your review on other parts of it.), I can proudly say you have far exceeded redeeming yourself in my eyes with this review. :)

Thank you, Spoony.

I realize that when these kids grow up, 10 years from now, they will probably hate this crap. The middle aged fans will probably forget why they remembered it as well.

Personally, I think a major reason why this is so huge is not only do the fans obsess over it, but there are some haters who absolutely love how asinine the series is (not unlike myself). Though personally, I would just recommend watching the Rifftrax version of the movies; I’ve never read or seen anything else and I don’t plan to (Plus I never heard of it until the movie was about to be released)

All that aside, being a little upset about your Final Fantasy VIII review (I personally loved it for the great gameplay, but I still somewhat liked your review on other parts of it.), I can proudly say you have far exceeded redeeming yourself in my eyes with this review. :)

Thank you, Spoony.

this was amazing! thank you spoony! Easily one of your greatest reviews yet. Defiantly your greatest Vlog on a movie.

this was amazing! thank you spoony! Easily one of your greatest reviews yet. Defiantly your greatest Vlog on a movie.

In response to Matthew G: “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. How can you support a guy who spends his entire time on screen looking pained just to hide his accent. There is nothing more to Pattinson. He cannot not act. Evidently shone by the scene in the first twilight in the forest when his only form of emotion is screaming at Bella in his monotone voice.
When I watched this scene in the movie I replace Edward with Spoony because he can act and is far hotter then Pattinson. Also so I could get off from this movie like all the girls say I am suppose to do.
I cannot believe that Pattinson isn’t getting off on girls going wild about the one time his accent comes out for a second in one of the movies.
If you believe all of Pattinson’s hatred of the Twilight series is anything more then a scheme to keep his acting career going you are just as bad as the Twilight fanatics.

In response to Matthew G: “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. How can you support a guy who spends his entire time on screen looking pained just to hide his accent. There is nothing more to Pattinson. He cannot not act. Evidently shone by the scene in the first twilight in the forest when his only form of emotion is screaming at Bella in his monotone voice.
When I watched this scene in the movie I replace Edward with Spoony because he can act and is far hotter then Pattinson. Also so I could get off from this movie like all the girls say I am suppose to do.
I cannot believe that Pattinson isn’t getting off on girls going wild about the one time his accent comes out for a second in one of the movies.
If you believe all of Pattinson’s hatred of the Twilight series is anything more then a scheme to keep his acting career going you are just as bad as the Twilight fanatics.

Ah, I’m glad someone says it like it is. The girls in my flat go on about Twilight and I just grimace. Your review really ticks off the entire checklist to why these books and the movies are truly inadequate in every way. If only a could be a good, new vampire movie could be made. I mean, it’s not perfect, but at least the TV series ‘True Blood’ has a strong female lead and an original idea behind it (Bella, oh Bella, why the hell would anyone sympathise with her monumental stupidity?). The thing that makes me cringe the most is the abject loyalty the fans show to it, yet when questioned they will admit that the movie doesn’t even qualify as a movie. What the hell kind of sense does that make?

Anyways, Nice review Spoony, keep it up!

Maiko

In response to Matthew G: “more proof of Pattinson having balls”. How can you support a guy who spends his entire time on screen looking pained just to hide his accent. There is nothing more to Pattinson. He cannot not act. Evidently shone by the scene in the first twilight in the forest when his only form of emotion is screaming at Bella in his monotone voice.
When I watched this scene in the movie I replace Edward with Spoony because he can act and is far hotter then Pattinson. Also so I could get off from this movie like all the girls say I am suppose to do.
I cannot believe that Pattinson isn’t getting off on girls going wild about the one time his accent comes out for a second in one of the movies.
If you believe all of Pattinson’s hatred of the Twilight series is anything more then a scheme to keep his acting career going you are just as bad as the Twilight fanatics.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

…Huh!? Oh, sorry! A bad series like Twilight tends to shut me down like that; what with all the money and fan base that it’s generating. All I can say is good work retaining your sanity SpoonyOne!

@ Mistah J:

There is a slight flaw in your reasoning. I found that there were more parallels between FF6 and the original FF7 (such as both Kefka and Sephiroth both worked under powerful organizations that had nearly global rule, aimed for Godhood, and nearly brought the destruction of the world, similar plots, similar magic system, etc.) than Twilight. Although, I do agree that by the time the FF7 sequels rolled around anything you liked about the main cast was completely obliterated by Square Enix’s need for greed.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

…Huh!? Oh, sorry! A bad series like Twilight tends to shut me down like that; what with all the money and fan base that it’s generating. All I can say is good work retaining your sanity SpoonyOne!

@ Mistah J:

There is a slight flaw in your reasoning. I found that there were more parallels between FF6 and the original FF7 (such as both Kefka and Sephiroth both worked under powerful organizations that had nearly global rule, aimed for Godhood, and nearly brought the destruction of the world, similar plots, similar magic system, etc.) than Twilight. Although, I do agree that by the time the FF7 sequels rolled around anything you liked about the main cast was completely obliterated by Square Enix’s need for greed.

I’m sure this been said but Robert Pattinson HATES Twilight, he had no ideal what the book is about and only did it to work with (and hit on) Kristen Stewart. Then he read the book and hates it and the fan. He talked about how much he hates Edward and sees him as a massive manic depression and so plays a guy who hates himself.

I’m sure this been said but Robert Pattinson HATES Twilight, he had no ideal what the book is about and only did it to work with (and hit on) Kristen Stewart. Then he read the book and hates it and the fan. He talked about how much he hates Edward and sees him as a massive manic depression and so plays a guy who hates himself.

What is the best vampire character in fiction? Personally, I’ve always like Cassidy from Preacher. At least up until the end of the series where he turns into a jackass.

What is the best vampire character in fiction? Personally, I’ve always like Cassidy from Preacher. At least up until the end of the series where he turns into a jackass.

I know I commented already before, but something crossed my mind. With all the amount of young girls influenced by the “love” aspect of Twilight, i.e. codependent bitch in love with emotionally abusive boyfriend, could it be that Stephenie Meyer has an almighty plan to convert the youth of the world into Mormons?

I’m surprised Spoony didn’t bring up anything about how in “Breaking Dawn” Jacob goes on to hit on Bella’s NEWBORN daughter (WTF SMEYER!).

they broke our spoony!! :(

they broke our spoony!! :(

Now I kinda want to see New Moon for the laughs…

Now I kinda want to see New Moon for the laughs…

This song is perfect for the review!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8oW-Xl4I9Q

This song is perfect for the review!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8oW-Xl4I9Q

Do you know what New Moon needs? Three clones of Bruce Lee.

Do you know what New Moon needs? Three clones of Bruce Lee.

There’s SHIRTLESS MAN-WRESTING in this movie? I am there.

Do you know what New Moon needs? Three clones of Bruce Lee.

You went to see New Moon and you are refusing to see boondock saints 2? Fine it sucked and I did like the first one. There were guns and jokes and vigilante justice. New Moon has gay vampires and werewolves. What do you have against that movie?

You went to see New Moon and you are refusing to see boondock saints 2? Fine it sucked and I did like the first one. There were guns and jokes and vigilante justice. New Moon has gay vampires and werewolves. What do you have against that movie?

Wanna bet Robert Pattinson will guest host SNL just to completely rip on the Twilight series? Considering all his own gripe about even being part of that movie, I’m waiting for it.

Wanna bet Robert Pattinson will guest host SNL just to completely rip on the Twilight series? Considering all his own gripe about even being part of that movie, I’m waiting for it.

Wow, just have to say, watched a clip and when Edward body checks Bella out the way? DAMN! Seriously, that was his best plan? He shoves the guy away afterwards, why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place? What the hell was he thinking? It was pretty funny watching it after Spoony’s review though.

I can already tell this movie is going to be hilarious.

Wow, just have to say, watched a clip and when Edward body checks Bella out the way? DAMN! Seriously, that was his best plan? He shoves the guy away afterwards, why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place? What the hell was he thinking? It was pretty funny watching it after Spoony’s review though.

I can already tell this movie is going to be hilarious.

Id like to know if Scarlett really locked herself in the bathroom or if that was a joke.

Spoony is hallerious your trying to explain to women why this movie was so funny to you and acting sexist and he knows hes acting sexist but thats the truth of this movie. The movies entirely one big indulgence to the female ego and thats why its so funny.

Id like to know if Scarlett really locked herself in the bathroom or if that was a joke.

Spoony is hallerious your trying to explain to women why this movie was so funny to you and acting sexist and he knows hes acting sexist but thats the truth of this movie. The movies entirely one big indulgence to the female ego and thats why its so funny.

Found this googling titties.

[img]http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g225/danaelling/titties.jpg[/img]

Felt this fit the mood near the end of the video.

I want to see this movie, just for the stiffarm to Bella.

Found this googling titties.

[img]http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g225/danaelling/titties.jpg[/img]

Felt this fit the mood near the end of the video.

I want to see this movie, just for the stiffarm to Bella.

Hmm, so to recap, a bit like this?-http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/bum-reviews/13853-ep032

Hmm, so to recap, a bit like this?-http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/bum-reviews/13853-ep032

Few things are funnier than you insulting Twilight or Transformer, WHEN YOU FUCKING PRAISE 2012. Seriously, Spoony, go listen to some music from this century, and get over your bullshit. It would be appreciated.

Few things are funnier than you insulting Twilight or Transformer, WHEN YOU FUCKING PRAISE 2012. Seriously, Spoony, go listen to some music from this century, and get over your bullshit. It would be appreciated.

I knew you’d see the comedy of Twilight. :D This review was hilarious and so true, thanks for sharing.

Most of the confusing parts of the movie have to do with either poorly-explained or forgotten parts from the books. I will say that the reason Alice didn’t see that Bella survived the dive was because she can’t see visions of the werewolves. They mentioned it, but it wasn’t done very well.

Few things are funnier than you insulting Twilight or Transformer, WHEN YOU FUCKING PRAISE 2012. Seriously, Spoony, go listen to some music from this century, and get over your bullshit. It would be appreciated.

Honestly, I think Pattinson and Stewart are trying to get fired from this shitshow. They’re getting attacked by fans and shit, they didn’t sign up for this insanity.

Okay I need to be really honest here, can someone please explain to me why exactly Twilight is so hated, having never seen the movies or read the books or been around anyone who’s a fan of it, I’m kinda lost on the whole hatred of it apart from the stuff everyone talks about like the sparkling vampires and such

Honestly, I think Pattinson and Stewart are trying to get fired from this shitshow. They’re getting attacked by fans and shit, they didn’t sign up for this insanity.

This is the best thing in the WORLD. I love you.

This is the best thing in the WORLD. I love you.

@Thumper17
Don’t bother! You can see the stiff arm to Bella in the trailer.
@ Spoony
Wow, you are getting a lot of response to this review of New Moon. Well, a lot of your fans wanted to see you rip the shit out of Twilight(including me) and you delivered! Thank you Spoony for doing this and I will definitely vote for you for Funniest Person to Follow.

This is the best thing in the WORLD. I love you.

This movie pissed me the fuck off because i went to go see the men who stare at goats, and it wasn’t at the theater. Because ten of the sixteen screens had new moon in them and the others had other crap movies.

So to tell you the truth, i would rather see Noah’s complete reenactment of the movie

This movie pissed me the fuck off because i went to go see the men who stare at goats, and it wasn’t at the theater. Because ten of the sixteen screens had new moon in them and the others had other crap movies.

So to tell you the truth, i would rather see Noah’s complete reenactment of the movie

@Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.

@Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.

God damn, Spoony. I would honestly pay large sums of money for a DVD filled with hours of your ranting. Not only did you just say the word “titties” more times in an hour than I’ve ever heard, but you somehow managed to encapsulate the pure shittiness of these god awful fan-fic quality pieces of dick that need to be burned in the eternal flames of Hell just for making vampires and werewolves so fucking stupid.

God damn, Spoony. I would honestly pay large sums of money for a DVD filled with hours of your ranting. Not only did you just say the word “titties” more times in an hour than I’ve ever heard, but you somehow managed to encapsulate the pure shittiness of these god awful fan-fic quality pieces of dick that need to be burned in the eternal flames of Hell just for making vampires and werewolves so fucking stupid.

God, that was beautiful. Thank you.

God, that was beautiful. Thank you.

That was funny man. I don’t know how you survived the entire showtime without asphyxiating yourself with your own belt or shoelaces in the theater bathroom. Thanks for enduring that travesty to bring us this hilarious review. Why so hard on Underworld though? All three were super badass. And I fell asleep thrice during 2012.

That was funny man. I don’t know how you survived the entire showtime without asphyxiating yourself with your own belt or shoelaces in the theater bathroom. Thanks for enduring that travesty to bring us this hilarious review. Why so hard on Underworld though? All three were super badass. And I fell asleep thrice during 2012.

That was funny man. I don’t know how you survived the entire showtime without asphyxiating yourself with your own belt or shoelaces in the theater bathroom. Thanks for enduring that travesty to bring us this hilarious review. Why so hard on Underworld though? All three were super badass. And I fell asleep thrice during 2012.

lol… “all shapes and sizes some with horses.” My little sister 14 years old (the core demographic) can’t stop talking about the reason she saw this movie and Spoony nailed it right on the head.

lol… “all shapes and sizes some with horses.” My little sister 14 years old (the core demographic) can’t stop talking about the reason she saw this movie and Spoony nailed it right on the head.

“@Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.”

It sounds to me like people are jealous of Stephanie Meyer over the fact that she’s this terrible author yet has made so much money from this, say what you will about her writing she’s laughing all the way to the bank from the success of Twilight.

Also am I the only people sick of people saying stuff like “may God have mercy on your soul”, “I pity you”, “I feel really dirty”, etc when saying they’ve seen it?…I get it you didn’t like the movie and after like the millionth time someone says that it’s just not funny anymore

“@Invisible Crane (I can only speak for myself here) If you read the books and watch the movies, which to my everlasting shame I have, you don’t hate them because of what other people say or even what they are. You hate them because of what it’s doing. The books were some of the worst written ‘literature’ I’ve ever had the misfortune to put under my eyes. From the completely unlikeable characters, to the poor dialogue, and even the misuse of words, Twilight has become the miasma of people willing to love something that is sub-par.

And the rest of us hate it because we see it for what it really is, crap, pure and simple.”

It sounds to me like people are jealous of Stephanie Meyer over the fact that she’s this terrible author yet has made so much money from this, say what you will about her writing she’s laughing all the way to the bank from the success of Twilight.

Also am I the only people sick of people saying stuff like “may God have mercy on your soul”, “I pity you”, “I feel really dirty”, etc when saying they’ve seen it?…I get it you didn’t like the movie and after like the millionth time someone says that it’s just not funny anymore

@ JSPartisan Aww sounds like someone got insulted …Get over it nobody cares.

@ JSPartisan Aww sounds like someone got insulted …Get over it nobody cares.

Honestly,I thought the sound track was the ONLY good thing about this movie. I mean granted-IT DID NOT FIT AT ALL. But I like the songs in it (I.E deathcab for cutie,muse,thom york,the killers) But you’re honestly right about everything was complete crap. UGH-waste of my life.

Honestly,I thought the sound track was the ONLY good thing about this movie. I mean granted-IT DID NOT FIT AT ALL. But I like the songs in it (I.E deathcab for cutie,muse,thom york,the killers) But you’re honestly right about everything was complete crap. UGH-waste of my life.

The Man, learn how to spell THE properly. You daffy bastard. Seriously, Noah loved 2012, but gives shit to NEW MOON? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. Luckily he has a girlfriend, but he’s no better than those chinless bastards who hate Twilight for their own emotionally inadequacies.

The Man, learn how to spell THE properly. You daffy bastard. Seriously, Noah loved 2012, but gives shit to NEW MOON? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. Luckily he has a girlfriend, but he’s no better than those chinless bastards who hate Twilight for their own emotionally inadequacies.

@Invisible Crane
It isn’t so much jealousy that she’s actually making money off of sub-par work (though that may be a part of it), it’s that the series is legitimately bad. There are no likable characters, the supposed protagonist alone is about as appealing and relatable as a box of dead kittens, and what she’s turned two generally well-liked type of characters (Vampires, werewolves) into is like a kick in the junk to any fans of the ‘classics’.

That’s my take on it, anyway.

@Invisible Crane
It isn’t so much jealousy that she’s actually making money off of sub-par work (though that may be a part of it), it’s that the series is legitimately bad. There are no likable characters, the supposed protagonist alone is about as appealing and relatable as a box of dead kittens, and what she’s turned two generally well-liked type of characters (Vampires, werewolves) into is like a kick in the junk to any fans of the ‘classics’.

That’s my take on it, anyway.

@Invisible Crane:
The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
Also? I pity you.

Washington isn’t that cold Spoony.

Washington isn’t that cold Spoony.

“@Invisible Crane:
The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
Also? I pity you.”

Well it’s one of many things I thought about when trying to figure out why people hate Twilight so much

“@Invisible Crane:
The “you’re just jealous” argument? Really? That’s kind of sad. Does someone really have to be jealous of another to dislike their work?
Also? I pity you.”

Well it’s one of many things I thought about when trying to figure out why people hate Twilight so much

@Rebecca
Yeah, the soundtrack is easily the saving grace of this crappy movie. Like most geeks, Spoony doesn’t have much of an ear for music, unfortunately. Acoustic guitars must make him break out in hives. But, on the other hand, his review of Terminator Salvation (and Twilight: New Moon) was astute and hilarious, so you take the good with the bad.

@Rebecca
Yeah, the soundtrack is easily the saving grace of this crappy movie. Like most geeks, Spoony doesn’t have much of an ear for music, unfortunately. Acoustic guitars must make him break out in hives. But, on the other hand, his review of Terminator Salvation (and Twilight: New Moon) was astute and hilarious, so you take the good with the bad.

that was pretty long, but it was totally worth it. thank god you ripped it’s ass like it deserved. and since it was such a long review, i need to make a long comment on it (that hopefully will also be worth the time to read it)

These movies really boggle my mind. I have neither seen either film nor have i read any of the books, (I may be pretty nuts and more than a little stupid, but i still have enough self respect left not to deal with this crap) but from everything i’ve heard, seen or read about them and their fans, the general concesus is that they are shit. bad writing, unlikeable characters, incomprehensible plots and tin ear dialogue, and that for the most part the fans know it too, they just refuse to accept it and love it anyway (but then there are sure enough star wars fans left to show that when you love something, you will love it no matter much evidence is shoved up your ass sideways that it’s a lost cause) I tthink you hit the nail on the head with the whole this is basically soft core porn for girls. which i have no complaint about (well no right to it anyway) considering it’s exactly the same kind of perverted fan service crap that men have been getting away with for years. everyone loves a little meat market display, no matter how politically correct you are (admit it. I have nothing but respect for women, but i love breasts too) and i think it’s only fair that girls get their fair share as well.

now these things are hollow little shitfests based on hollow little shitfest books, but that’s not the worst part of these films. honestly i’ve dealt with bad writing, wafer thin character development, plots that make “Tetsuo: the iron man” seem positively straightforward and clearly linear, acting so brillo pad grating that it could peel the siding off a whole trailer park, and all that stuff before. (hey i’ve seen full moon and asylum pictures, and i had my japanese cinema phase, these things are no stranger to me)

no, no, the REAL worst thing about these movies (though trust me, all that other stuff is still present) is what they preach to young girls. though it’s certainly not the first to do so, it’s certainly the most popular, overly publicized and sneakily subversive about it. things like this insipid garbage is what is training developing girls to love these sallow eyed, vapid, empty headed, self absorbed, abusive, sociopathic, hair gel soaked me-monkey douche monkeys that all have that “i’m the worst mistake you’ll ever make, baby, cause i’m fucking DANGEROUS” hollow bravado bullshit glare because “if you just show them you care, you can find the GOOD in them…they can CHANGE” and that it’s ok to completely eject any consideration whatsoever for anyone else but their own selfish whining desires to obtain it at any cost and this is why they get punished for it. it trains them that you should really love the monster because the monster is just lonely and has so much more to offer inside. and why they are willing to suffer countless indignities, heartbreaks, and crushing abuses and shrug off the genuine love and affection of their family and friends trying to warn them how much they will inevitably regret running off with the motorcycle riding leather boy dropout with the pouty lips and an apparent kryptonite like allergy to a comb. sure, they’ll say “i wish i listened to you back then” a couple years, an indetermined number of kids, an absentee father, and a broken heart later, but they leave their fathers to wonder where they went wrong and miss their little girls while the ed cullins of the world have an extra seat on their crotch rockets and not think a second thought about it RIGHT NOW.

i’ve seen it happen waaaay too many times. everyone has. I’ve made an entire carreer, hell and entire LIFE out listening to girls cry over the bad boy turning out to be exactly what everyone says he is. i’ve spent that life crushing their little emo skulls to avenge the indignities and sufferring they coerced people i cared about into happily enduring because shit like “twilight” has them convinced that if you just look a little deeper, the asshole is really something special inside, just no one has bothered to look. You wanna know what’s really lurking beneath the outer shell of the asshole? let me tell you, i’ve seen the insides of more than one of them and you know what’s in there? AN ASSHOLE. and no matter how many parts you break off of them, bones you pulverize, teeth you feed them, or femmie leather jackets and emo little spiked writstbands you shove up their various orifaces, you’ll always be the bad guy and they girl will hold the pulpy bag of flesh that used to be their hand for them cause “they are the only ones who “get” them”

I’ve been “guy B” for so many women in this situation. I’ve racked up thousands of dollars on phone bills listening to them cry at three in the morning, earned a body covered in scars from all the ugly altercations i’ve been in either protecting them from or avenging them after some dispicalbe abuse, and fled countless prosecutions doing so (and damn proudly, even if it’s unnappreciated, scumbags are scumbags, and i always have an ass stomping to spare for one) only to watch time and time again, when Pouty McEmopants comes crawling back, tail between his legs promising that “this time it will be different” these same women practically break their legs Flinstones style bongo running back to them. honestly if it wasn’t for the wonderful woman i’ve spent over the last year with proving that the conditioning doesn’t always take, people can learn from their mistakes, and that sometimes some people really can be saved and shown a better way, i honestly would believe that these examples would be the only way it could ever turn out (thanks, baby <3)

the writers should be ashamed of themselves for endorsing this kind of thing. and making these really very tragic concepts seem so appealing and attractive. as i said, i know they aren't the first, but that's no excuse, they should know better, and they have no one to blame but themselves when their own children, attempting to glorify this bullshit go running off to a life of dissapointment with these pole smoking fashion victims that THEY helped to make so en vogue. i think they call that justice

sorry to all for that monumental rant, but (as i'm sure is obvious to anyone who is still reading this far) i feel very strongly about this sort of thing.

I must say, this was pretty damn funny spoony. you know, i'm honestly thankful that you haven't completely lost your damn mind (despite clearly stating that you did so in the video) after you gave 2012 a thumbs up (not even to mention bashing the boondock saints, loving the blair witch project…nevermindf i said i wouldn't mention it) i looked at this video and honestly was afraid you'd like this piece of emo dog vomit. thank god you've still got your wits about you enough not to have fallen that far.

i know it hurt, but i'm damn glad you suffered through this 2 and a half hour commercial for abusive relationship hotlines, so that you could be there to make me laugh my ass off as you skullfucked this movie right in it's sallow emo eyesocket!

that was pretty long, but it was totally worth it. thank god you ripped it’s ass like it deserved. and since it was such a long review, i need to make a long comment on it (that hopefully will also be worth the time to read it)

These movies really boggle my mind. I have neither seen either film nor have i read any of the books, (I may be pretty nuts and more than a little stupid, but i still have enough self respect left not to deal with this crap) but from everything i’ve heard, seen or read about them and their fans, the general concesus is that they are shit. bad writing, unlikeable characters, incomprehensible plots and tin ear dialogue, and that for the most part the fans know it too, they just refuse to accept it and love it anyway (but then there are sure enough star wars fans left to show that when you love something, you will love it no matter much evidence is shoved up your ass sideways that it’s a lost cause) I tthink you hit the nail on the head with the whole this is basically soft core porn for girls. which i have no complaint about (well no right to it anyway) considering it’s exactly the same kind of perverted fan service crap that men have been getting away with for years. everyone loves a little meat market display, no matter how politically correct you are (admit it. I have nothing but respect for women, but i love breasts too) and i think it’s only fair that girls get their fair share as well.

now these things are hollow little shitfests based on hollow little shitfest books, but that’s not the worst part of these films. honestly i’ve dealt with bad writing, wafer thin character development, plots that make “Tetsuo: the iron man” seem positively straightforward and clearly linear, acting so brillo pad grating that it could peel the siding off a whole trailer park, and all that stuff before. (hey i’ve seen full moon and asylum pictures, and i had my japanese cinema phase, these things are no stranger to me)

no, no, the REAL worst thing about these movies (though trust me, all that other stuff is still present) is what they preach to young girls. though it’s certainly not the first to do so, it’s certainly the most popular, overly publicized and sneakily subversive about it. things like this insipid garbage is what is training developing girls to love these sallow eyed, vapid, empty headed, self absorbed, abusive, sociopathic, hair gel soaked me-monkey douche monkeys that all have that “i’m the worst mistake you’ll ever make, baby, cause i’m fucking DANGEROUS” hollow bravado bullshit glare because “if you just show them you care, you can find the GOOD in them…they can CHANGE” and that it’s ok to completely eject any consideration whatsoever for anyone else but their own selfish whining desires to obtain it at any cost and this is why they get punished for it. it trains them that you should really love the monster because the monster is just lonely and has so much more to offer inside. and why they are willing to suffer countless indignities, heartbreaks, and crushing abuses and shrug off the genuine love and affection of their family and friends trying to warn them how much they will inevitably regret running off with the motorcycle riding leather boy dropout with the pouty lips and an apparent kryptonite like allergy to a comb. sure, they’ll say “i wish i listened to you back then” a couple years, an indetermined number of kids, an absentee father, and a broken heart later, but they leave their fathers to wonder where they went wrong and miss their little girls while the ed cullins of the world have an extra seat on their crotch rockets and not think a second thought about it RIGHT NOW.

i’ve seen it happen waaaay too many times. everyone has. I’ve made an entire carreer, hell and entire LIFE out listening to girls cry over the bad boy turning out to be exactly what everyone says he is. i’ve spent that life crushing their little emo skulls to avenge the indignities and sufferring they coerced people i cared about into happily enduring because shit like “twilight” has them convinced that if you just look a little deeper, the asshole is really something special inside, just no one has bothered to look. You wanna know what’s really lurking beneath the outer shell of the asshole? let me tell you, i’ve seen the insides of more than one of them and you know what’s in there? AN ASSHOLE. and no matter how many parts you break off of them, bones you pulverize, teeth you feed them, or femmie leather jackets and emo little spiked writstbands you shove up their various orifaces, you’ll always be the bad guy and they girl will hold the pulpy bag of flesh that used to be their hand for them cause “they are the only ones who “get” them”

I’ve been “guy B” for so many women in this situation. I’ve racked up thousands of dollars on phone bills listening to them cry at three in the morning, earned a body covered in scars from all the ugly altercations i’ve been in either protecting them from or avenging them after some dispicalbe abuse, and fled countless prosecutions doing so (and damn proudly, even if it’s unnappreciated, scumbags are scumbags, and i always have an ass stomping to spare for one) only to watch time and time again, when Pouty McEmopants comes crawling back, tail between his legs promising that “this time it will be different” these same women practically break their legs Flinstones style bongo running back to them. honestly if it wasn’t for the wonderful woman i’ve spent over the last year with proving that the conditioning doesn’t always take, people can learn from their mistakes, and that sometimes some people really can be saved and shown a better way, i honestly would believe that these examples would be the only way it could ever turn out (thanks, baby <3)

the writers should be ashamed of themselves for endorsing this kind of thing. and making these really very tragic concepts seem so appealing and attractive. as i said, i know they aren't the first, but that's no excuse, they should know better, and they have no one to blame but themselves when their own children, attempting to glorify this bullshit go running off to a life of dissapointment with these pole smoking fashion victims that THEY helped to make so en vogue. i think they call that justice

sorry to all for that monumental rant, but (as i'm sure is obvious to anyone who is still reading this far) i feel very strongly about this sort of thing.

I must say, this was pretty damn funny spoony. you know, i'm honestly thankful that you haven't completely lost your damn mind (despite clearly stating that you did so in the video) after you gave 2012 a thumbs up (not even to mention bashing the boondock saints, loving the blair witch project…nevermindf i said i wouldn't mention it) i looked at this video and honestly was afraid you'd like this piece of emo dog vomit. thank god you've still got your wits about you enough not to have fallen that far.

i know it hurt, but i'm damn glad you suffered through this 2 and a half hour commercial for abusive relationship hotlines, so that you could be there to make me laugh my ass off as you skullfucked this movie right in it's sallow emo eyesocket!

Brilliant!

Brilliant!

Spoony really needs to get out of his habit of recommending we see shitty movies.

Spoony really needs to get out of his habit of recommending we see shitty movies.

You know, this really only confirms my feelings about this whole Twilight Saga shit. On the one hand, at least it’s getting a set of preteen and teenage girls to read when they might otherwise not, which I gotta admit is a good thing in and of itself, I suppose. On the other, I think we all know that there’s just a mind-boggling number of other things they could just as well be reading and be better off for.

I think I’ll save my fuller thoughts on this for the forum, where I can censor them at least a little better than I can here, but I can say now that it sounds like this whole Twilight franchise is something where the people involved are pretty much trying to make the most rancid, offensive thing they possibly can, and people are actually buying into it.

I’d also wonder how you can handle sitting through these movies and games for us, Noah, but I know there’s at least money in it for you because I’m gonna go donate to the site now.

Anyway, excellent work, dude. I hope you’re getting better rewards than the ones that guys like me can give.

You know, this really only confirms my feelings about this whole Twilight Saga shit. On the one hand, at least it’s getting a set of preteen and teenage girls to read when they might otherwise not, which I gotta admit is a good thing in and of itself, I suppose. On the other, I think we all know that there’s just a mind-boggling number of other things they could just as well be reading and be better off for.

I think I’ll save my fuller thoughts on this for the forum, where I can censor them at least a little better than I can here, but I can say now that it sounds like this whole Twilight franchise is something where the people involved are pretty much trying to make the most rancid, offensive thing they possibly can, and people are actually buying into it.

I’d also wonder how you can handle sitting through these movies and games for us, Noah, but I know there’s at least money in it for you because I’m gonna go donate to the site now.

Anyway, excellent work, dude. I hope you’re getting better rewards than the ones that guys like me can give.

god damn it feels good listening to this. Thanks man, i’m glad that i’m not the only one comparing does movies to “porn”. :P

god damn it feels good listening to this. Thanks man, i’m glad that i’m not the only one comparing does movies to “porn”. :P

@JS Partisan

Actually, I remember Spoony saying 2012 was a bad movie.

@JS Partisan

Actually, I remember Spoony saying 2012 was a bad movie.

@Jesse S

I rather have them not read then love this shit. Really Bella is the most horrible role model for young girls, both as a person and as an example of interpersonal relationships. I mean spoony got it completely right, she’s a manipulative bitch of a woman, showcasing the very worse stenotypes of the female gender, coupled with extreme co-dependency. Oh and the writing is shit. There is not a thing redeeming about the books, and this movie only has ok cinematography. My soul hurts that this is what everyone going to see and talk about.

I also hate 2012 but at least I get why people like it. I mean it’s well done. Seriously can’t all these girls read withering heights. Same basic archetypes but at least the female character ain’t a complete ninny.

Is it just me, or does New Moon sound more like a candy bar or ice cream flavor, rather then a crappy romantic vampire book/movie?

Is it just me, or does New Moon sound more like a candy bar or ice cream flavor, rather then a crappy romantic vampire book/movie?

Hey Partisan, my own “emotionally inadequacies” aren’t the reason I hate Twilight, I hate it because it’s fucking terrible.

Hey Partisan, my own “emotionally inadequacies” aren’t the reason I hate Twilight, I hate it because it’s fucking terrible.

@JS Partisan

Are you flat out retarded? Spoony clearly said that it was a bad movie.

Twilight is fucking awful, quit being butthurt, twat.

@JS Partisan

Are you flat out retarded? Spoony clearly said that it was a bad movie.

Twilight is fucking awful, quit being butthurt, twat.

Not that the books are well-written (I enjoyed them as a guilty pleasure, but accepted their limitations,) but it seems like the film directors cannot seem to figure out what is reasonable to cut and what just leaves gaping plot holes. For example, (going solely off Spoony cause I haven’t braved the fangirls) it sounds like they don’t explain that Edward broke his phone before he jetted off to Italy so they can’t just call him. His mind reading power only works in close proximity. Alice needs Bella because if she just shows up alone and says she’s alive Edward will think she’s just trying to stop him. Edward doesn’t know that Victoria is hunting Bella before he leaves her. Good God, assuming that movie watchers have read the books so it’s okay to leave gaping holes in the story is just bad filmmaking.

I can’t wait to see if Spoony can manage to sit through Eclipse. If you think Bella is a cock-tease in New Moon, just wait. It doesn’t even compare to her needy self-absorbed behaviors in the next one !!!SPOILER!!! (calling Jacob back to her when he’s minutes away from an epic battle to apologize for not telling him that she and Edward are engaged?) I can’t disagree Spoony, Bella may be one of the least likeable characters in any film…ever.

Crying I love you so much. Linking this to everybody in the world.

Crying I love you so much. Linking this to everybody in the world.

Only way ive ever seen twilight was with riff trax and it was hilarious. I suppose ill have to see this one as well when they get the rifftrax up for it too.
Funny review though, and touches on why i find it so bad as well, its like preteen porn, which there is of course a market for, as we can see from her ridiculous sales of her books and the movies. Which is fine, if your a preteen, its the adults that like it that disturb me, if you wanna read a good action/love/sex story revolving around a female lead who everyone wants to bone, go pick up a laurell k hamilton book, she actually delivers.

also the chihuahua vampire impression was lovely.

Only way ive ever seen twilight was with riff trax and it was hilarious. I suppose ill have to see this one as well when they get the rifftrax up for it too.
Funny review though, and touches on why i find it so bad as well, its like preteen porn, which there is of course a market for, as we can see from her ridiculous sales of her books and the movies. Which is fine, if your a preteen, its the adults that like it that disturb me, if you wanna read a good action/love/sex story revolving around a female lead who everyone wants to bone, go pick up a laurell k hamilton book, she actually delivers.

also the chihuahua vampire impression was lovely.

holy hell dude, that movie looked like it kicked your ass.
I seriously thought about seeing the movie for the sole purpose of mocking it but I didn’t want to waste my hard earned American greenbacks.
Probably one of my favorite of your reviews, second only to Transformers 2 and Inglorious Basterds.

holy hell dude, that movie looked like it kicked your ass.
I seriously thought about seeing the movie for the sole purpose of mocking it but I didn’t want to waste my hard earned American greenbacks.
Probably one of my favorite of your reviews, second only to Transformers 2 and Inglorious Basterds.

Good review man! and I completely agree with most of what you said… and yeah I don’t get why chicks/dudes/whatever… want to see softcore style porn in a regular movie release like this… why don’t they just download real porn if they just want some material to get off on. It’s not like they avoid a ‘pervert’ stigma by bypassing and going the route of regular movie meat, in fact they come off as a perv and a moron at the same time if they watch it just for that. :D

I also agree that the soundtracks for this teen movie stuff is pure shit… but take comfort in the fact that just as old 80s movies with soundtracks instead of true movie scores have become dated and comical to watch just cause of the bad (mostly) music used, these new movies will look even more stupid in years to come, if anyone remembers them at all…

Finally, I also agree 2012 was OK… coulda been better but I think it works for the most part. It is after all, only an action movie and not meant to be deep. ;)

Good review man! and I completely agree with most of what you said… and yeah I don’t get why chicks/dudes/whatever… want to see softcore style porn in a regular movie release like this… why don’t they just download real porn if they just want some material to get off on. It’s not like they avoid a ‘pervert’ stigma by bypassing and going the route of regular movie meat, in fact they come off as a perv and a moron at the same time if they watch it just for that. :D

I also agree that the soundtracks for this teen movie stuff is pure shit… but take comfort in the fact that just as old 80s movies with soundtracks instead of true movie scores have become dated and comical to watch just cause of the bad (mostly) music used, these new movies will look even more stupid in years to come, if anyone remembers them at all…

Finally, I also agree 2012 was OK… coulda been better but I think it works for the most part. It is after all, only an action movie and not meant to be deep. ;)

Hahaahahaha. “Don’t ride the clutch”, “This is really messing up your hair”, “Wear a helmet”. Freaking legendary impersonations. You bastard I was laughing so hard I had to stop eating my beef curry not to choke.
It went bloody cold.

Ok, so the bit about the warewolves in New Moon being a paper thin allegory for homosexuality reminded of ANOTHER (god awful) movie that uses warewolves as even thinner allegory for homosexuality, and that movie is the Wolves of Kromer. (for the curious theIMDB site for it, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0177394/ )

So even in her bad allegories, Myers lacks originality… and that is just extra sad.

Ok, so the bit about the warewolves in New Moon being a paper thin allegory for homosexuality reminded of ANOTHER (god awful) movie that uses warewolves as even thinner allegory for homosexuality, and that movie is the Wolves of Kromer. (for the curious theIMDB site for it, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0177394/ )

So even in her bad allegories, Myers lacks originality… and that is just extra sad.

You put up with a lot of BS as a reviewer, as you’re more obligated to see a film than physically wanting to. You’re too good for us, Spoony, to torment yourself so just for us to get a few yucks. I appreciate your pain, at least.

Honestly, I don’t care about the whole issue with vampires sparkling or just how shallow the entire series is (a part of me died every time I passed one of those dumb books through the scanner when working at Barnes & Noble… and to be surrounded by women my age who just ate that shit up… oh, thank god I don’t work for them anymore). What always turned me off of the series was Bella, and for all the reasons you told me. My coworkers tried to convince me ‘but it’s true wuv!’ but all I could think about was how pathetic, whiny, cruel and manipulative she was. While I understand the mormon background, my mormon roommate is utterly disgusted by this filth and openly expresses it everywhere she goes (I swear, she’s in the wrong religion, I tell her).

I can’t stand women like that, and I’d beat the shit out of them to try and get through to them, but they’d only come back for more. This behavior is not meant to be praised; it’s a warning of a really unhealthy relationship and as you said, mental illness, that NEEDS to be checked. When does mental illness = true love? When Stephanie Fuckin’ Myers writes a stupid story about sparkling vampires, selfish, manipulative bitches going through ‘high school drama’ and some sorry excuses for werewolves (though still ten times more ‘interesting’ than the vampires, and that’s just sad).

This review was funny and also on the spot. I’m tempted to see if in a theater at night with all my friends after a few drinks, but like hell I’m spending money on that shit. It beating the Dark Knight is trash, just trash.

That was the most hilarious film review. I can’t believe you went on for like 40 minutes. haha. I thought the first twilight movie was terrible, with Belle and Edward telling each other that they can’t be together in every single scene. I really had no inclination to watch New Moon, but maybe I will, for laughs. I think I may regret it though.

I’m sure it can’t be worse than Transformers 2 or GI Joe.

That was the most hilarious film review. I can’t believe you went on for like 40 minutes. haha. I thought the first twilight movie was terrible, with Belle and Edward telling each other that they can’t be together in every single scene. I really had no inclination to watch New Moon, but maybe I will, for laughs. I think I may regret it though.

I’m sure it can’t be worse than Transformers 2 or GI Joe.

“Emotionally abusive”?
He punched her out!

Porn for girls. Well put. More specifically, socially accpetable porn for girls. I mean dudes are almost expected to watch porn but people can freak over a girl being into porn. Thanks to Twilight, girls have their own stroke material that even the mormons find socially acceptable.

Porn for girls. Well put. More specifically, socially accpetable porn for girls. I mean dudes are almost expected to watch porn but people can freak over a girl being into porn. Thanks to Twilight, girls have their own stroke material that even the mormons find socially acceptable.

Wow. Spoony looked emotionally and physically drained from seeing this movie. I agree that Bella may be the absolute most wretched character to be conjured up by the human mind. Absolutely no reedemable qualities (and your meant to side with her in the books!), selfish, manipulative, and total cock-tease.

I knew girls like Bella in highschool that spent their days fooling poor saps into giving them whatever they wanted for the sliver of affection only to dump them for some douche who could care less about her obsession.

I could forgive all that, but to completely destroy the lore of Vampires and Werewolves. For years the new generations will think of Jacob and Edward when thinking of what was once epic creatures of lore.

That was awesome. I love having a crappy movie-which I would never see-totally trashed. I get all the comedy without having to do the work of seeing that horrible movie. Cheers SPoon!

That was awesome. I love having a crappy movie-which I would never see-totally trashed. I get all the comedy without having to do the work of seeing that horrible movie. Cheers SPoon!

OK, the key demographics for this movie are obvious: Emo tweenies, Middle-aged women, and Gay men.

To everyone who thinks Spoony needs to update his music rep: Music made recently has been, by and large, utter crap. Emo sucks. Screamo sucks. And new Metallica sucks hard.