The Spoony Experiment

Vlog 11-22-09: New Moon

by Spoony on November 22, 2009 · Comments

For there was never a tale of more woe than New Moon, which surely did blow.

And ANOTHER thing… You know, the more I think about Bella, the more shocked and appalled I am at her behavior. Throughout the movies she displays a neediness and selfishness that verges on sociopathic, almost as if she can’t even begin to comprehend the feelings of others as she leaves misery and broken hearts in her wake– and not just of her potential paramours. Think about her father, Charlie, and all the melodrama he has to put up with. She regularly comes home battered, bruised, and beaten, but answers his honest concerns only with lies. She disappears into the woods, collapses from exhaustion and exposure, causing him to mobilize a town-wide search for her fucking dead body, and returns with absolutely no explanation. Then she drops everything to flee to Italy for an indeterminate amount of time, and even the vampire Alice voices more concern for Charlie’s feelings than Bella does. Her hopeless, helpless, woe-is-fucking-me attitude veers beyond mere misogyny and becomes truly grotesque.

Think about her friends and her mother, whose lives would be devastated if her suicidal thrill-seeking ended her life. Does she care? No, because she can’t see beyond her own needs, acting for months like a petulant child denied her favorite toy. When it becomes clear that becoming a vampire would call off the truce between the Cullens and the werewolves, does Bella care that her incessant demands to become a vampire would therefore put the Cullens (who she claims to care about) in constant, mortal danger? No. Does she care that people are dying, being torn apart by wolves, sucked dry by vengeful vampires, all because she doesn’t have the good sense to get away from undead monsters? No. Does she care that her dad, who dotes on her constantly (only God knows why) has to clean up after these bodies? No. Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.

In fact, her desire to become a vampire is completely selfish as well. She’s worried about getting old, fat, and wrinkly like everyone else, and damn it, that’s not fair! Why should Edward stay young and dreamy for all eternity, and not ME? ME, ME, ME! Even once Edward has gone, I don’t think her pissy mood has as much to do with being alone as hating the thought that Edward could possibly be happy without her.

Anyone who relates to this girl is incredibly disturbed and needs some serious mental help. Anyone who’s ever been in love has perhaps wrestled with the same feelings, the same neediness that Bella experiences in these movies, but good lord, it’s a high school crush. We got over it. We moved on. Sure, that first love and that first loss were hell, but we got a fucking grip on our lives and moved on. You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.

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  • SkullCrusher
    If I had to play Edward, I would be in constant, horrible pain too.
  • tfguy49
    i saw this shity movie and it was the worst FUCKING movie have ever seen. the girl seems to be ignoring whats his face when he shows up so what is she doing? and she is really messing with the werewolf guy, leading him on and like teasing him. and the ending, there is tension of cores shes going to say yes there's no reason she would, she was bitching about him being gone the whole fucking movie.
  • You really got into this movie.
  • Ran88
    The sound track was the only thing in this movie that i liked. Other than that this movie was hilariously bad. Me and one of my friends saw it and we had a blast riffing on it. Still I will say that its better than twilight (not really an acomplishment) because stuff did happen in this movie. Stupid nonsensical stuff but stuff nonetheless.

    Also wtf happens to the werewolves pants when they transform?
  • haha! awesome review spoony, this movie blowed so much and your entire review proved weven more how horrible this piece of shit is really..unless your watching it for comedy which i doubt is what they were going for
  • Bobbay
    The soundtrack is the greatest! Not with the movie, obviously. Lyrical songs as a score for a movie is just...just...stupid. But seriously, the songs are awesome.
  • Mykal Graves
    Wow. I sat through this to win girlfriend points. got like 3 bazillion, (for those of you that dont know about girlfriend points, get a girlfriend, then do something she wants you to do but you really dont. then a week later, get her to do something she doesnt want to do, and when she pisses and moans remind her of e.g. sitting through New Moon.) Though hilariously enough she hated it as much as i did. We both, literally went, just because the wolves looked kick ass. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT! On top of that we went to the cheap theatre in pasadena tx, the hollywood 20, if anyone is around here they know about it for the 2.75 matinee instead of 7 fucking dollars at Cinemark. so that means im surrounded by twitards with gangsta boyfriends, and one of them actually kicked my seat when i laughed at the screen. so i told him keep it up i liked my ghetto massage chair and he got pissed. at the end of the film he confronted me in the halls. i put my girlfriend behind me, shes screaming at him and he tells me to "shut my bitch up" Im a short but heavyset guy. Like a linebacker, and just like one I rail him against the wall and lift his hat with the tag still on it wearin ass and popped him in the gut, dropped him then kicked him in the ribs as hard as I could. By now his girl got a hold of my girl, i grabbed her by her fake fur coat and pushed with all my weight(226lbs squeezed into a 5'6'' frame.) next to her boyfriend. she fell then got up and I told her stay down, I dont hit girls but shes growing a dick really fast. then her boyfriend got up and I hay makered his ass in the forehead and he fell down. Needless to say I enjoyed my day in jail, and got released the next day. Got a lawyer and await the trial for beating up a ghetto twitard.
  • Tildessmoo
    And somehow I can't get the girls in my life to understand precisely what you've been saying. I'll have to see if I can make them sit down and watch this review. Maybe we should've called it "There's Something (But God Only Knows What) About Bella?" Nah, you're right, "New Moon" does fit perfectly.

    Incidentally, when you pondered if Pattinson's acting was to blame for Edward always seeming to be in pain, well... I'll just let Pattinson answer for me: (on Twilight) "The more I read about this guy the more I hated him, so that's how I played him—as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus he's a hundred-year-old virgin, so he's obviously got some issues there."
  • Dudey
    NeRo - *pat on back* You just managed to compress the whole issue into 2 words
  • NeRo
    Fuck Twilight
  • ker-plop
    Heh heh... For being over 45 minutes, this was a very entertaining review. Keep up the good work.
  • Nina
    I think you're giving Stephenie Meyer a little too much credit here... Seriously, the werewolves are just werewolves :P
  • Vic
    I totally agree.
    and here is my point of view of the movie
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llqekPAobgY
  • Dragonqueen
    is just me does Noah impression of Edward kinds sound like Dr. Frank N. Furte form rocky horror picture show?
  • The Shamster
    This comic will make you laugh at the sparkily vampire wanna-be's!

    http://www.hookiedookiepanic.com/geist/pics/58.jpg
  • What can I say? All your points are spot on. Bella Sue truly is a wretched excuse for a fictional (I hope) human being. And sparkling Emo vampires must diiiieeee!!
  • Ivdar
    Bruce Banner's doesn't stay shirtless all the time because he's a nerdy scientist running and hiding for his life, not a beefcake American-Indian posing for the fangirls. He needs to blend in, to hide the fact that he's the Hulk ; he also does NOT want to go into smash-mode, unlike the werewolves, whose shape-shifting is a natural, instinctive process.

    And also because the Incredible Hulk's various incarnations in comic books and movies are MILES away from Twilight in terms of quality.
  • Zoraman
    I just have one question, and I don't know if anyone had already pointed that.

    Soo.. the werewolves don't use shirts because the shirts will be destroyed, right?
    Then, why in the name of sanity, Bruce Banner don't go everywhere shirtless?

    (If I had some English errors, sorry, I'm Brazilian)
  • CleverConveyence
    The soundtrack is the worst part? Wha? It's an indie pop/rock wet dream. Editors? Band of Skulls? Black Rebel Motorcyle Club? The Grizz? Bon Iver AND St Vincent...IN A DUET? Fuckin' A, sign me up!

    Everything else stands, though. What a godawful insipid series.
  • As much as I hated the first movie (and novel) and the idea of "good" vampires who sparkle and are "vegetarian" I actually liked the movie for the Werewolves, even if they were homoerotic and into unusual..."wrestling." And come on, who doesn't love seeing the dude who played Colossus chokeslam sissy boy Edward?
    But yeah, Bella was a totally bland, selfish, self-centered Mary Sue and it's pretty amazing Jacob put up with all that for such an average and bland person who was a cocktease for the most part. I agree with you there. And the Vampires were lame though I did the like the psychotic Dakota Fanning Vampire. She was cool as was the big dumb Vamp played by the guy who played Colossus in X2 and X3. The leader of the Volturi was a total Dr. Insano! I totally agree with you there. I really couldn't help but laugh because I kept thinking of Dr. Insano reciting that dialogue. But yeah, not an Oscar piece but cool for the Werewolf effects and the action parts and a good unintentional laugh here and there (I got glares for laughing when Edward was doing the slo-mo beefcake walk out of his car).
  • Webby
    Well i got talked into going to see this movie... and Spoony, you were right. It was at the same time incredibly painful and painfully funny. I wonder why i didn't get kicked out of the theater for all the riffing i did and the laughter i instigated in my friends. As you said, it's a great comedy, but it blows in every other aspect. I'm sort of glad i went to see it though. It's the biggest laugh i've had all year.
  • The Shamster
    You know, proper authors spend at least three years to write a single book. Meyers spent three months. I'm studying at university to become an author myself. I'll have noble dragons, humans, humanoid creatures and vampires in my story...I wont give the plot away to avoid anyone stealing my ideas, but I'm sure you'll like it.

    Dont worry everyone, I'll help repair the damage done by Meyers...The vampires in my stories WONT sparkle in sunlight at all...Instead, they'll either become severely weakened and their skin burns black, or they'll just burst into flames and die. Their leader however, who's a demi-god and is a extremely brutal dictator who loves torturing people so much that he weeps with joy at their agony, is immune to sunlight, and he also cant be killed at all unless he suicides with his own weapon. Give me three years...I'll get my novels published and hopefully help fix this problem.

    GJN
  • Melanie♪
    Yes! Yes yes yes!
    (What happens now is I go on a rant)

    Ugh, I completely hated New Moon as a book. It took me months to read, just because it was so BORING. The thing I hate most in any series; FILLER. And that's what New Moon was. It was filler.

    No, I didn't see the movie, so I guess I shouldn't be trashing on it. But from what I've heard, it was just like the book; long, boring, annoying, pointless, did I mention LONG?

    Now, for something that probably doesn't shock you: I USED TO BE A TWILIGHT FAN. USED TO. But, I never went gaga over some undead vampire boy (/werewolf -.-). I used to kind of indentify with Bella (like the girls are supposed to do) but then it just sort of... got to New Moon. I did finish the series, and Breaking Dawn had a pretty interesting plot, even if the scenario was ridiculous.
    The point here:
    For the most part, I don't hate Twilight itself. What I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE is the FANDOM. Fangirls here, fangirls there, Team Edward here, Team Jacob there, (what happened to Team Switzerland anyways?) and then there's fangirls for every other boy in the series... -.- ANNOYING.

    Another great thing about Twilight:
    THOSE ARE NOT VAMPIRES. DAMN IT, VAMPIRES ARE MURDEROUS BLOODTHIRSTY AND INHUMAN. I understand the whole point of the series is that the Cullens are this "other breed" of vampire, but... Gah, I just don't get what's so great about it. I like the idea that vampires can NOT restrain themselves when it comes to blood (which throws out the idea of Bella still being alive by New Moon) and that vampires slowly burn alive in sunlight (which throw out the idea of Edward also being alive by New Moon). You all remember that whole "sparkly scene" from Twilight, right? Yeah, that.
    I like my "alternate breed vampires" like they make 'em in Karin.

    Last paragraph, I swear, but I have to say this:
    FANGIRLS OF ACTORS (= Twilight fangirls) ARE THE MOST PATHETIC. And I would know.
    (anime fangirl speaking)
    Fangirls of actors are even more hopeless. Okay, points for being obsessed with a real guy, but tell me, what do you get beyond publicly released stuff? NOTHING. With anime you get the anime itself, then fanart (which can sometimes be good), then fanfiction (which can sometimes be good, or you can write it yourself to fulfill your selfish desires), then yaoi pairings if you like. Besides, anime has a better plot than reality, and there's a soundtrack constantly. And what about guys in regular books? Well, if the author feels like it, sometimes you get an absolutely FABULOUS description of the character... I'm just saying that it's not worth the effort of all those fangirl screams, and besides they give me headaches.

    And NOW I'm finally done. Thank you, whoever you are, for reading my ameteur rant against Twilight and a variety of loosely related things. TwT
  • poisontongue
    That's why Twilight is popular - because it's a gross, misogynistic, pathetic representation of what girls in Amerikkka are supposed to be.

    Meyer is a hack, Bella should be burned at the stake, Hollywood should suck rat poison, America should be bombed into the stone ages, and the human race should be reset for having not only produced this crap but rewarded it. We aren't scraping the bottom of the barrel - we've broken right through and we've dug through China.
  • lol I feel bad for you actually watching it in a theatre. I refuse to give money into Meyer's coffers, well, anymore than I already have on the books. (bought Eclipse and Breaking Dawn to destroy with my trusty red pen. I also think that if you're going to hate something, you should know everything about what it is you hate.) My friend gave me a link to it online and I watched most of it there, though, of course, it still hadn't fully loaded. Oh well. Not like I don't already know the story after reading through the mess that is New Moon.

    I love the fact that you feel the same about Bella that I do. (And yes, the only reason to watch the movie is because of the hot Natives.) The doctor's name is Carlisle and he's probably one of the more normal characters. In fact, pretty much everyone in the whole franchise that isn't Bella or Edward are relatively normal people. The most human people are the non-humans. There is something inherently wrong with that.

    Bella waking up screaming was a nice touch to reveal her insanity, I think. It certainly made me laugh really loudly when I was watching it, though that may be because I happen to know exactly what she was dreaming from the book. She's dreaming of herself running around the forest and not finding Edward. That dream changes when she sees the house has been vacated entirely and the yard is overgrown to her waking up screaming from that. Then, she has a dream of the meadow that's not tended anymore and she wakes up screaming from that. All of this is what she is waking up screaming from. Now, you can fully appreciate the total insanity and codependency that is Bella Swan. She wakes up screaming because she can't have Edward.

    Bella did pay for a lot of the parts that were needed for the bikes and she hung out with Jacob, but yeah, she's a whore. I recall she was going to use her college fund for some of that and then pay for her tickets to Italy with the rest of it to save Edward. Alice, of course, has more money than God so she paid for the tickets easily.

    And all four books are supposed to be comparable to a classic book or story. Twilight is compared to Pride and Prejudice, New Moon is compared to Romeo and Juliet, Eclipse is compared to Wuthering Heights and Breaking Dawn is compared to.... I don't remember. It doesn't matter, though. Meyer likes to hammer all that in with a fucking sledgehammer the size of Washington state. Everywhere there are hints to it as if saying "see? This is what I thought of while writing this! This is what this is supposed to be like! Edward is Romeo and Bella is Juliet! Edward is Mr. Darcy and Bella is Elizabeth Bennet! See? Their love is so true and pure and meant to be! See!!?!" The movie hammering that home just makes me laugh all the more because I know for a fact how much Meyer uses references to those things. Someone pointed out that Edward and Bella really are a lot like the characters from Wuthering Heights and that Wuthering Heights is not a romance, but a horror story of HATE.

    And I won't say anything against poor Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart now. Robert is clearly trying to get out of these movies, or at least not trying to look pleased with it at all. He's openly called the story some person's wet dream, called Meyer mad and the fangirls frighten him. Kristen Stewart, meanwhile, has been photographed smoking pot out in the open. I do think that would be the reason why she looks stoned through the movies. You sort of need to be. She also tries to get lines changed when they're too corny. I've seen a lot of these Twihards screaming about how Kristen Stewart is such a bitch and doesn't deserve the part of Bella because she doesn't do the lines given to her the way they're supposed to be done.

    And the whole gays and Meyer understanding them thing. Oh ho no. She doesn't get that, believe me. The werewolves are the way they are because they're going by the pack. (Believe me, I still make jokes about Sam turning the boys gay with his amazing cock.) Also, Quil and Embry didn't come into the work shop shirtless, though they spend the rest of the movie afterward without their shirts. You want some awesome joke material then you should read New Moon. It hurts to read it, but the lulzy material in it is priceless. Like, Jacob spends a lot of time saying that the boys all do whatever Sam tells them to. Quil disappears for two weeks and then he suddenly follows Sam around like he's the greatest thing ever. Then Embry disappears for two weeks and he's suddenly following around Sam too. And then Jacob keeps going "He's going to come for me next. I know it." It just screams Sam is a gay pedophile or some shit like that. It's hilarious. And when they fursplode, they do indeed rip up their clothes and render them useless. Jacob ended up having to walk around bearfoot at some point because he ruined all his shoes doing that.

    Alice saw Bella jump off the cliff, but didn't see her rescued because she can't apparently see anything regarding the wolfpack at all. It has something to do with the fact that the wolfpack only thinks in the now so anything they plan to do or anything they think they're going to do doesn't come up, because they change their minds instantly. It's stupid, but it's necessary to understand that Alice can't see them and so whenever Bella is around them Alice can't see Bella and her future path anymore. Alice went to see if Bella was all right. Meanwhile, Edward thinks Bella's dead because Rosalie told him that Alice saw Bella jump off a cliff and he calls Bella's house asking for Bella's dad, Jacob answers and says Charlie isn't there because he's planning a funeral and thus Edward believes Bella is dead. So then he goes to the Volturi to plead for them to kill him, but that doesn't go through because they want a piece of his sparkly ass too, so he decides he's going to come up with a way to kill himself. Meanwhile, Bella and Alice book it to Italy and Alice steals a Porsche to drive at break neck speeds to Volterra where the celebration is taking place in honor of the three founders of Volterra who drove out the vampires. Edward tries to commit Sparklecide, fails because of Bella and blah blah blah, you know the rest on that.

    What kills me that the more depressed she looks the more she looks like a starlet. The only time she looks like a mess is when she got wet. Oh, and Meyer's explanation, I kid you not, for Bella being so unreadable: She has a private mind. Straight from Meyer's FAQ section of her site. Seriously, look through it. It's a gold mine of WTF'ry.
  • gypsyvannerfan
    Awesome review Spoony. I had the unfortunate experience of attending the midnight showing for this piece of crap! The only fortunate part was I did not have to pay for this atrocity. My roommate wanted me to go along. I had two requirements. 1) I was NOT paying for it as I wasted money on the first p.o.s. 2) I was permitted to laugh and make fun of it as much as I wanted to.
    I don't think I paid one iota of attention to the movie, but instead mocked all the fangirls that were crowded into the theater. That at least made my evening go by a lot quicker, but I was still wishing for the end of it all by 25 minutes into the movie.
    Next time I won't have requirements for me to go...I just WON'T GO!
  • @LongIsland - No idea if that's in the book, at which, it's a wallbanging moment of idiocy. If they added it to the movie, just to put some semblance of menace (or plot) in, it's a crowning moment of desperation on the filmmakers' parts.
  • Memph
    Jeez... people still talking bout this movie?

    .....THE FUCK OUT THE WAY!!!!
  • LongIsland
    I found it funny that the Super-Duper-League-of-Vampires, worried of Edward exposing himself to sunlight, then bring a 50+ tour guide party right into their lair and slaughter them all.

    Way to keep a low profile there, vampires.
  • Julia - You don't need a passport to go to Hawaii. It's part of the United States, last time I checked.

    Nat - He's not recommending girls watch porn, he's just comparing it to porn. Because that's what it is. Lurid meaterial (misspelled "material" initially, then decided it fit better somehow...) designed solely to provoke a base emotional response. The entire book series has nothing to do with the higher functions of the brain.

    The series is about base desire. The fact that it's written in 1rst-person perspective is proof of that. Bella is your unreliable narrator, waxing on about how IN WUV she is. From her perspective, he's all hot & junk & stuff & junk. Her perspective is the reader's perspective. It's not Bella, but the READER who gets to have these hot & hunky guys fighting over them, doing things for them, pining and throwing themselves into death's jaws for THEM, not Bella. Bella is a cardboard cutout. The only unfortunate thing is that Stephanie Meyers can't make a decent male character, either.

    (I'll invoke Terry Bogard here. Everyone knows he's a badass. Uses ancient secret martial arts moves to lay waste to organized crime in South Town, and save the world from would-be gods in ancient supernatural armor. But in the Anime, he's not only drawn 10 times more pretty-boy-esque than his Video Game counterpart, but he has a bad habit of losing girlfriends. Like.. They die. A lot. Like... Dean & Hank Venture have a better track record than Terry Bogard's girlfriends. And that's because he's not SUPPOSED to get the girl. The girl watching the Fatal Fury anime has alpha-female primacy in the sexual rights department to all the tanned, blonde, Kung-Fu hotness that is Terry Bogard. Hence, he falls in love with girl (Lilly McGuire in the first OVA, Sulia Gaudeamus in the movie.), she gets killed, he avenges her dead in bloody fashion, then he mopes, leaving the viewing female to "console" him by buying a life-size cardboard standee of him and running her fingers along his 2D face longingly every morning, (as well as other associated merchandise).)

    So, there is a masturbatory experience to Twilight, but it's from that raw, wangst-ridden emotion of a teenaged girls utterly immature crush. It's escapist fantasy where a girl can be as rotten a person as she wants to be, and isn't only not called out on it, but is continuously rewarded for it.
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