For there was never a tale of more woe than New Moon, which surely did blow.
And ANOTHER thing… You know, the more I think about Bella, the more shocked and appalled I am at her behavior. Throughout the movies she displays a neediness and selfishness that verges on sociopathic, almost as if she can’t even begin to comprehend the feelings of others as she leaves misery and broken hearts in her wake– and not just of her potential paramours. Think about her father, Charlie, and all the melodrama he has to put up with. She regularly comes home battered, bruised, and beaten, but answers his honest concerns only with lies. She disappears into the woods, collapses from exhaustion and exposure, causing him to mobilize a town-wide search for her fucking dead body, and returns with absolutely no explanation. Then she drops everything to flee to Italy for an indeterminate amount of time, and even the vampire Alice voices more concern for Charlie’s feelings than Bella does. Her hopeless, helpless, woe-is-fucking-me attitude veers beyond mere misogyny and becomes truly grotesque.
Think about her friends and her mother, whose lives would be devastated if her suicidal thrill-seeking ended her life. Does she care? No, because she can’t see beyond her own needs, acting for months like a petulant child denied her favorite toy. When it becomes clear that becoming a vampire would call off the truce between the Cullens and the werewolves, does Bella care that her incessant demands to become a vampire would therefore put the Cullens (who she claims to care about) in constant, mortal danger? No. Does she care that people are dying, being torn apart by wolves, sucked dry by vengeful vampires, all because she doesn’t have the good sense to get away from undead monsters? No. Does she care that her dad, who dotes on her constantly (only God knows why) has to clean up after these bodies? No. Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.
In fact, her desire to become a vampire is completely selfish as well. She’s worried about getting old, fat, and wrinkly like everyone else, and damn it, that’s not fair! Why should Edward stay young and dreamy for all eternity, and not ME? ME, ME, ME! Even once Edward has gone, I don’t think her pissy mood has as much to do with being alone as hating the thought that Edward could possibly be happy without her.
Anyone who relates to this girl is incredibly disturbed and needs some serious mental help. Anyone who’s ever been in love has perhaps wrestled with the same feelings, the same neediness that Bella experiences in these movies, but good lord, it’s a high school crush. We got over it. We moved on. Sure, that first love and that first loss were hell, but we got a fucking grip on our lives and moved on. You should never have to beg for love, and if you do, it ain’t love.
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Spoony, you watch the bad movies so I don't have to and for that, I love you. I knew I was not going to like it as soon as I heard of its existence. Vampires and werewolves have been done and they had been done better without emo gap kids. I just cannot bring myself to watch it. You condense the movie into a 30 minute tirade that is entertaining and now ensures I will never feel the need to see it. Thank you for saving me from that.
Spoony, you watch the bad movies so I don't have to and for that, I love you. I knew I was not going to like it as soon as I heard of its existence. Vampires and werewolves have been done and they had been done better without emo gap kids. I just cannot bring myself to watch it. You condense the movie into a 30 minute tirade that is entertaining and now ensures I will never feel the need to see it. Thank you for saving me from that.
It gets worse Spoony….Apparently they're going to make “Breaking Dawn” a two-parter, just like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
The thing is that “Deathly Hallows” NEEDS to be two films (heck, every film from book 4 onwards should have been two parters) because it has so much in it.
“Breaking Dawn” however, has nothing…just vampire marries girl…fucks her and shoots his boling venom cum into her…she gets pregnant VERY fast (what? how?!) Vampire gives her a C-Section….using his fangless teeth to rip open her womb….Wolf guy falls in sexual love with 1 minute old baby (UGH!)….Vampire turns girl into vampire…who is able to control her new powers and hunger despite many others not being able to or struggling to do so (Ok…explain please?……..anything?………..no?) Vampire girl can very fast run in a cocktail dress….in the forest, while hunting animals to eat and not trip over once!….Vampire Mafia comes to kill Vampire girl…The two groups of vampires decide that rather than have a good fight, they should instead sit down, eat crumpets and sip cups of tea and have a talk…no fighting whatsoever…Vampire mafia decides 'ok, keep the bitch!' and return to Italy…Wolf guy plans to marry vampire baby while vampire girl and boy live for ever after…but wait! what about her human father, mother and friends she knew? Does she just pretend that they never existed and live as a vampire in a la-de-da word of 'I'm so gorgeous, I can sparkle and nothing can kill me…Wee-he-heee!'
And they seriously want to make this into a two-parter?!?!
I myself am going to be an author and I know its wrong to speak ill of other authors, but man! Meyers has no origionality at all!
How the holy mother of dragons did she get her manuscripts accepted? it's fricking difficult to get a publishing house, or even a Literary agent to give you the thumbs up (and this is with decent Literature)
What is worse about this dreck is Michael Phillips and AO Scott both said “See It'. That's the biggest insult of all.
lol Muffins.
Okay, I just stumbled on this from a forum link.
Right on my brotha, thanks for the laugh!
I especially agree with you about Bella. Could there be a more self-centered 'heroine'? when Edward does something (anything!) it's because of her. When she's with her friends, she's thinking about herself, like “all my teen girl friends are talking about proms and boys, I pretended to be interested, but I'm thinking about myself again.” Would it hurt ya to crack a smile? or be a friend? Or think (gasp) like a teenager?
I think Bella was created just for the girls (and women) to project themselves on to this chick. Hey she's a mistfit and awkward, and smarter than all her friends. She was ME as a teenager. Ohhhhhh I could have got vampire tail!
Ugh. I'm a chick and I hate this drivel.
I just finished this movie half a hour ago and……….. Could could have watched Basic Instinct again then this piece of nothingness. it wasn't even worth downloading on my computer, lol. I can't believe you talked my into watching this movie Spoony I mean I could have watched Basic Instinct 2 and find out why people said it sucked but boy this was an adventure to go through.
his “titty” rant cracked me up.
This review is hilarious and all but I can't believe you forgot the most horrifying part of the movie.
As Bella and company are leaving the fruity vampire council, another vampire is leading a tour group in. Yes. A tour group. Just so there's absolutely no misunderstanding as to what's about to happen, as they get into the elevator, they all start screaming.
So not only is Bella a neurotic, clingy, manipulative, self-centered sociopath, but she also stands idly by as a group of men, women, and children are led to a horrible death.
And the entire scenario makes no fucking sense! We're told at the beginning of the movie that the vampires have laws against drawing attention to themselves. Do they think that nobody is going to notice large groups of people regularly going missing in their town?
God these movies make me so ANGRY.
I never liked this movie when i first heard of it. and my sister was more than kind enough to tell me more about this piece of shit. She isnt a fan either. She told me about a review done by the Stephen King, and i laughed! Nailed it right on the head. Piece of shit! Thanks again sir.
Oh, like porn! Double standards FTW!!
I really liked your “titty shot” example, and I'm commenting on that, actually. Spoony, you just kind of brushed that off as a poor reason to like this movie, and it seems like it was just because it was all about the chiseled bodies (instead of titties) but that's exactly why it works. How many movies actually have this kind of eye candy for females? We like it too. You could argue that “300″ does, but that one doesn't catch the early teen crowd; those guys are too old.
If you began in the morning to count all the movies with a promised “titty shot” aimed at guys you could probably keep naming them well into evening. How many movies aimed at women have that? I can think of maybe two, this one and the one I already mentioned. Not defending this crap, and I wish this had happened with a better base, but I'm just pointing out why it's actually a big deal that women drool over Lautner's abs.
nm
Porn? What? I'm not in any porn. I think. I didn't mention porn. What is the fuckery?
I feel… as though I'm having an aneurysm… Oh my brain.
Seriously, Twilight is a bane on society and everyone who's going “haters gonna hate” or “It's just a fad”.
Yes, well, it's a formative fad. It's endoctrinating through social means our future society's female populace.
Do you REALLY want to have a whole generation of girls worshipping the idea of being Just Like Bella? …Think about it.
i wonder how many of the twilight stars will have a career after these films?
….
….
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none.
i wonder how many of the twilight stars will have a career after these films?
….
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….
none.
FFDP is the shit bra
I hate to say this, but where the fuck is blade at when you need him? Or Van Helsing? Anyone?
Someone kill these abominations to cinema…also the “acting” crew…
I’m a big fan of Vampire Masquarade : Bloodlines the RPG and comparing the vampires and and severed arm wielding psycopaths make these guys look like schoolgirls in tube tops!
Twilight is a book that glorifies an abusive relationship and basically teaches young women that if they throw their entire life away because of a guy who loves you for superficial reasons they will be fulfilled. It teaches people that vampires are awkward sparkling morons living off small animals and disrupting the natural balance. It teaches us that women cannot be whole without a man, and that men can be moody, condescending, and the basic profile of a modern stalker/rapist.
A Tzimice would totally wreck everyone in this movie. :D
Thom Yorke’s song was tight, you just suck, go listen to your wrestling themes
Jesus. I wouldn’t mind being a housewife but Bella just takes the whole thing too far. She’s become a doormat.
I wanna see Vampires Suck – A pisstake of Twatlight.
Liked this purely for the ‘boiling venom cum’.
Vampires Suck is a Seltzerberg movie. Honestly, I would rather watch Eclipse. At least that can be snarked at. Seltzerberg movies are a dark void from which no homor can escape.
Bella is very beautiful but she looks like very fragile and too dependent with Edward.
Mike
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