The Spoony Experiment - Because bad movies and games deserve to be hurt back!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Aj-White/1577259575 Aj White

I’m totally happy I went and saw Captain America instead of this goddamn abortion.

This is just sad.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Pavel-Spassov/100002339798748 Pavel Spassov

OH GOD EAR RAPE >.< Take it easy Spoony

http://www.facebook.com/people/Lysander-Darkholme-Price/100002252740861 Lysander Darkholme Price

so they remade conan eh? who the heck did they get to do Ahnold’s part?
whoa thats never a good sign, zero stars…and yeah you’ve seen some just AWFUL shit so yeah, you’ve got quite the basis for comparison lol.
yeah, morgan freeman is NOT who i’d have cast as the narrator, not the right kind of voice…maybe samuel l. jackson? hmmm someone w/a more angry edge to their voice, not that morgan is always a good guy, its just you tend to picture him as more an avuncular sort ya know.
ewww about the birth scene lol, sounds like
take a shot every time someone raises something above their head and shrieks lol you’ll be totally shit faced before you’re even half way through
CGI gore SUCKS! its just gross and messy and just…stupid…and disgusting :P and over used these days.
you bastard movie, i stuck up for you and you lied to me LOL LIESSSSS!!!!
christ dude, blow my speakers out & wake my roomies with your SCREAM at the camera :S scared the shit out of me lol (didn’t actually wake anyone thankfully)
funny stuff, you two make a good duo for movie reviews :D

Anonymous

Dude, are you wearing the same T-shirt you wear during your Robowar review? That’s nearly a 3 years old T-shirt!

You are doing relatively well I suppose, so money shouldn’t be an issue for you; so here’s my advice:

BUY NEW CLOTHES MAN!!! IT’S NOT HEALTHY!!!

Anonymous

Dude, wtf. Chillax.
http://www.facebook.com/Elihn Annika Meyer

Hehe, your comment made my day.
Wait..
You were serious?
This totally made my day. ;)

I wonder why Noahs wardrobe should be more interesting than the actual review.

However, since the movie is yet going to be coming out in the local cinemas in Germany (Around the beginning of Septembre, afaik.), I cannot say anything about the movie itself.
But the trailers didn’t catch my interest in the slightest. I doubt I’m going to watch probably neither rent it.

Though there are some parts I’d dig in these kind of movies: Like blood fountains during fight scenes (This sounds sicker than I intended. :( ) – Makes the whole thing more entertaining in a macabre humouristic way. On the other hand..shaky camera during action scenes? Meh..

So, overall the new Conan movie is an action, fantasy flick with flat characters and bloody, hardly identifiable fighting scenes? Does not sound very apealing for me. :(
http://www.facebook.com/people/Πέτρος-Πουντίδης/100001480648937 Πέτρος Πουντίδης

Yo, Spoony!
Dude, wtf? You got the same face you had when you did you “Yor: The Hunter From The Future” revie! That’s nearly a 30 year old face!You’re doing crap I suppose, otherwise you would have gone to a PLASTIC SURGEON!!! SO HERE’S MY ADVISE!

WEAR A PAPER BAG OVER YOUR FACE WHEN YOU DO REVIEWS!
(if vision is an issue, modify the paper bag via holes for the eyes to see through)

IT’S NOT HEALTHY!
(for us to look at your face I mean! Not that you’re ugly or anything, in fact you look kinda nice, I’m gay for a little spoon and all, but repetition is only good for military exercises…
Sorry, I digress)
http://www.facebook.com/people/Evan-Elkins/682275173 Evan Elkins

Um… What?

If it still fits, why would he need a new one? I assume he washed it.
Anonymous

You’re saying that a T-shirt that’s not even 3 years old needs to be replaced? Why? Depending how often you wear them, T-shirts can last anywhere from 5-15 years. They can be washed many, many times. It’s pretty wasteful to ditch them after a year or two.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1380617496 Martin Backman

I haven’t seen this one yet, but all the rushed-looking trailers have given me the impression that I will hate this movie for the same reasons I hated “Pathfinder”.

I’m a big fan of Conan, both the original short-stories by Howard (but deCamp can go screw himself) and the movie from 1982 with Schwarzenegger. The movie works well as its own thing, so I have no beef with it not being 100% faithful to the source material. So I’m not going to claim Arnold was a great Howard-Conan, but his performance worked within the movie’s own world. As the sequel showed, Arnold is at his best when he has less than a dozen lines in a movie.

http://www.facebook.com/people/James-Roseman/100000455982111 James Roseman

Lololol. Nice Morgan Freeman joke Miles! I Loled :)

TheNumberOneShmuck

I have on headphones. My ears are weeping. LOUD NOISES

http://www.facebook.com/people/João-Monteiro/100000372094634 João Monteiro

…and that´s waht I´ve been saying!

Anonymous

*goes to get a bag of chips from the cupboard, raises it over head* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGH!!!!!!

http://www.facebook.com/guy.mcandrew Guy McAndrew

WOW ….. I genally try to see the movie before i see reviews….. SO GLAD i saw this …I will wait for the dvd and rent it from redbox for a buck.

Anonymous

*Hookshot*
AAAUUUUUUURRRGGUUUAAARRRHHH.

http://www.facebook.com/jbhaslach John Barton Haslach

I admit when I saw the ding ding scene from Conan the destroyer all I could think of were the metro train doors opening.

http://www.facebook.com/HollyWitch Holly Golightly

someone posted my anger at this movie caused the earthquake…

http://www.facebook.com/people/Per-Nyrud-Kaas/544420089 Per Nyrud Kaas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBGOQ7SsJrw What they should have made instead. :P

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_CWXRSF4Y32M4I2AINVSMWGAFJE Martin

why are all the latest videos lagging like crazy? it’s like every second frame is skipped.

Anonymous

-raises hands in the air- MY EARSSSS!!!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jacob-Carpenter/1500543164 Jacob Carpenter

I saw this yesterday with a friend. Abysmal.

Couple things you left out:

The 3D was terrible. Absolutely terrible.

The soundtrack was amazingly boring. You might not have even noticed it at all because it was that forgettable.

The girl Conan saves was incredibly annoying. Incredibly. Annoying.

THE LANDBOAT. How could you not mention the outrageous landboat that somehow manages to break through the walls of the city of monks? It was so ridiculous to imagine that thing even moving, let alone building up enough momentum somehow to bust through a giant stone wall.

Also, other than being a really stupid poorly done scene, the tentacle monster fight failed totally by not presenting the classic Conan solution to giant monsters: stab them in the fricking eye. The monster had no head at all. Awful.

Anyway, overall I agree with Noah that Momoa was an acceptable Conan, it was really the writing that ruined his portrayal. I’m not a Momoa fan and expected him to be terrible but he was not, by any means, the worst part of this movie. I went in assuming the worst and basically got it. I say this as a fan of the original Barbarian movie as well as the short stories and comics.

The evil mask doing nothing was, however, laugh out loud funny. I was laughing so hard through the final fight scene I was crying.

Anonymous

He’s stated before that he won’t see 3D movies, and I thought it was ok 3D more just atmospheric than anything (Rocks appearing closer and farther away). Not really necessary, but I wasn’t upset about paying $12 to see it in 3D..If I’d payed more than that then yes I would be upset about it as well.
- Anonymous
  
  I hated the 3D the finnal fight was really hard to see in that dark cave!
Anonymous

The Laaaaand Boooaaat… soon will be making another run…

The Laaaaand Boooaaat… promises something for everyone….

Anonymous

I’m a huge Conan fan, read all the books and so forth-love the stories. This adaptation of Conan wasn’t bad…just not good really. I blame the script more so than the actors though. Here’s why.
     First act = awesome. Ron Perlman (aka-Hellboy fame) as Conan’s dad was brilliant-he took the role and really made it believable. Leo Howard as Young Conan = also very, very good in the role. Found the fact that thousand of horsemen (a rarity in the books in Conan’s part of Cimmeria btw, due to extreme mountainous conditions) could surprise an entire village of Cimmerians.
     Second Act= Introduces Conan’s best friend out of nowhere-Artus, acted by Nonso Anozie. Not really impressed here. In books, Conan did have a best friend early on, Zuma the Kushite. This movie should have gone with him, portrayed by Samuel L. Jackson. Conan’s love interest ala Hollywood is Tamara, acted by Rachel Nichols. She does give a good strong famine side to her character, which is then destoryed by Conan’s manhandling (literally) and spends more time on screen tied up or being kidnapped. They have the chemistry of sandpaper and glue. The rogue Ela Shan (Said Tashmaoui) could have been cut entirely and you wouldn’t even miss his character.
     Third act=Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) and his creepy, incestuous daughter Marique (Rose McGowan) spend so much time proving how tough they are to helpless women and old men, I just couldn’t help but laugh-as they seem so overthetop “Im a bad guy!” I’ll admit, top James Earl Jones in his role of Thulsa Doom would have been nigh impossible.
     Overview-great start, “meh” middle, poor ending-the script needed to be trashed & totally redone. Conan is a great antihero, & needed a great enemy-I would have gone with his book archenemy-Thoth Amon. A stygian sorcerer supreme, who has vast magical powers, intense willpower & charisma, & nigh total control of the stygian nation at his disposal. Leading lady-hmm depends. Conan was a ladies man to say the least, but very few of his ladies really contributed much to his stories. One good one however was the pirate queen Belit-but that might smack too much of Pirates of the Caribbean. Red Sonya was ruined by the earlier Red Sonja movie, and the Pirate lass Valeria of Red Nails was used for the first movie. Shrug. A good movie if you can catch it a matinee, otherwise not the best movie out this summer.                                             -Dream
PS-Totally needed a better music score like the First Movie! That helped so much back then.

Anonymous

I totally agree with you here too! The beginning was the best part, but still totally unnessacery!
And you know they’ve scewed up thier Conan movie when the villians are so “meh” that you just want them dead not slaughtered!

http://www.utahraptorz.deviantart.com Petra Michael

I never had much of an interest in seeing the new Conan film. I’m never excited for remakes or sequels for pretty much anything, and I found it hard to imagine a Conan film without Schwarzenegger. XD

I got a bad vibe for this film, and now Spoony and Miles have confirmed that bad feeling. I never planned on seeing this film, and now I never will. (Except maaaaaaaaybe for rental if I ever get super bored in the future. XD)

Lol, and nice full screen face yelling shot, Spoony! XD

http://www.utahraptorz.deviantart.com Petra Michael

I never had much of an interest in seeing the new Conan film. I’m never excited for remakes or sequels for pretty much anything, and I found it hard to imagine a Conan film without Schwarzenegger. XD

I got a bad vibe for this film, and now Spoony and Miles have confirmed that bad feeling. I never planned on seeing this film, and now I never will. (Except maaaaaaaaybe for rental if I ever get super bored in the future. XD)

Lol, and nice full screen face yelling shot, Spoony! XD

http://www.utahraptorz.deviantart.com Petra Michael

I never had much of an interest in seeing the new Conan film. I’m never excited for remakes or sequels for pretty much anything, and I found it hard to imagine a Conan film without Schwarzenegger. XD

I got a bad vibe for this film, and now Spoony and Miles have confirmed that bad feeling. I never planned on seeing this film, and now I never will. (Except maaaaaaaaybe for rental if I ever get super bored in the future. XD)

Lol, and nice full screen face yelling shot, Spoony! XD

Anonymous

Miles seriously should start his own series of Hideously Inappropriate Morgan Freeman Voiceovers.

“As soon as I saw the bombs fall, I knew my momma was right. War never changes.”

“I wish I could tell you Judge Dredd fought the good fight. He did, and shot everyone.”

Anonymous

I haven’t check out this Conan review yet but I’m very surprised you haven’t done a Vlog on the Captain America movie, Spoony.

After the one on Thor and the fact you did review for the Reb Brown ones I was expecting one for the new Captain America movie. Did you see it?

Anonymous

I was exspecting one too!

http://twitter.com/TheHighC TheHighC

If you ever decide to give this series a title I think “Miles & Me Reviews: (insert movie title)” sounds pretty good lol.

P.S. The first time you and Miles scream simultaneously I thought you added a lighting sound effect. Didn’t realize it was mic static at first lol.

Anonymous

Conan was indeed a badass in the original stories, but he wasn’t indestructible like Momoa: he got beaten down, cut, stabbed, battered around and brutalized, but he was tough, so he kept getting back up. The Rocky principle, except instead of one badass opponent it was a bunch of enemy warriors. The Conan in this film barely got a scratch.

It’s interesting that you say the film has a lot of padding, because based on the scripts I’ve read, it’s actually pretty substantially truncated. Entire subplots and characters have been shortened or even removed altogether, not to mention lots of hanging threads (like the giant Ship That Doesn’t Do Anything). There’s a good twenty minutes more stuff in the script, mostly character and plot development. But I guess they thought action scenes were more important than logic.

That said, I felt this film was less horrific than Conan the Destroyer or Kull the Conqueror, but not nearly as competent as The Scorpion King (and I still think Scorpion King was a terrible film).

Anonymous

Yeah, that too! I read stuff online about characters in the movies and what they were suppose to do and most of them were barely there! Like Bod Sapp’s character as it was written was suppose to be a loyal fallower of Zym, but was plotting to over throw his daughter who was suppose to have a subplot of over throwing her fther after he completed the crown. That stuff would’ve gave the movie a bit more story!
Anonymous

Yeah, that too! I read stuff online about characters in the movies and what they were suppose to do and most of them were barely there! Like Bod Sapp’s character as it was written was suppose to be a loyal fallower of Zym, but was plotting to over throw his daughter who was suppose to have a subplot of over throwing her fther after he completed the crown. That stuff would’ve gave the movie a bit more story!

Anonymous

Conan was indeed a badass in the original stories, but he wasn’t indestructible like Momoa: he got beaten down, cut, stabbed, battered around and brutalized, but he was tough, so he kept getting back up. The Rocky principle, except instead of one badass opponent it was a bunch of enemy warriors. The Conan in this film barely got a scratch.

It’s interesting that you say the film has a lot of padding, because based on the scripts I’ve read, it’s actually pretty substantially truncated. Entire subplots and characters have been shortened or even removed altogether, not to mention lots of hanging threads (like the giant Ship That Doesn’t Do Anything). There’s a good twenty minutes more stuff in the script, mostly character and plot development. But I guess they thought action scenes were more important than logic.

That said, I felt this film was less horrific than Conan the Destroyer or Kull the Conqueror, but not nearly as competent as The Scorpion King (and I still think Scorpion King was a terrible film).

http://www.facebook.com/people/João-Monteiro/100000372094634 João Monteiro

Thanks for screaming into the camera, Noah! I really needed that, bursting through my headphones and all…

http://twitter.com/Michellious88 Michelle Brydon

LOL well at least he gave some warning as he approached the camera :P
- http://www.facebook.com/people/João-Monteiro/100000372094634 João Monteiro
  
  Some warning! I´ll be having nightmares because of that! My eardrums are still ringing…

http://www.facebook.com/people/João-Monteiro/100000372094634 João Monteiro

Thanks for screaming into the camera, Noah! I really needed that, bursting through my headphones and all…

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_66NR6VHHFBPRLS5BXAQOLKYBBE Seth

Don’t forget the mask was like a face hugger from Alien.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_66NR6VHHFBPRLS5BXAQOLKYBBE Seth

Don’t forget the mask was like a face hugger from Alien.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Christian-Aguilar/100000055666958 Christian Aguilar

Magic The Gathering cameo

Anonymous

Okay, why isn’t the video finishing it’s buffering?

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_AW3VX7HGVPJFFLYOQGRTPWDVFQ Joseph

Wow! A “Conan” movie that uses 3D and CGI turned out to be a crappy movie. This is my shock face by the way: O_O.

I have to ask, how was the music for this film? If it was anything like how it was in the Arnold films, then AWESOME! If not, here’s some “Conan” style music, that came from a video game unrelated to barbarians, or “Conan,” for you to enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XpA2K2Cq2U

Papa Bungle

Are you ever going to do a Catherine Vlog? It’d be nice to hear your thoughts on it.

Papa Bungle

Are you ever going to do a Catherine Vlog? It’d be nice to hear your thoughts on it.

Papa Bungle

Are you ever going to do a Catherine Vlog? It’d be nice to hear your thoughts on it.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Alarie/100000589400441 Ryan Alarie

The movie did suck, but in terms of the whole mask thing:

The ‘plan’ was:

a) get the mask
b) get the blood
c) ressurect his wife through the ‘pureblood’
d) SHE will make him a god

And, it’s one of those “it doesn’t come with a user’s manual” type deals that fills all those comic book scenarios. All powerful doesn’t mean all knowing or all seeing. So, a guy with no magical powers (unlike his wife or daughter) isn’t going to instantly know how to use the power when he got it. He did one thing (try to bring back his wife) since she would know how to use the power.

Basically the “big bad” was an errand boy trying to bring back someone that can actually pull something off. He was a chess king trying to bring back his queen.

Anonymous

And if they’d brought her back and killed the girl that would’ve made for a better ending with a real threatening villian. sort of like the demon god thing from Destroyer!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Alarie/100000589400441 Ryan Alarie

The movie did suck, but in terms of the whole mask thing:

The ‘plan’ was:

a) get the mask
b) get the blood
c) ressurect his wife through the ‘pureblood’
d) SHE will make him a god

And, it’s one of those “it doesn’t come with a user’s manual” type deals that fills all those comic book scenarios. All powerful doesn’t mean all knowing or all seeing. So, a guy with no magical powers (unlike his wife or daughter) isn’t going to instantly know how to use the power when he got it. He did one thing (try to bring back his wife) since she would know how to use the power.

Basically the “big bad” was an errand boy trying to bring back someone that can actually pull something off. He was a chess king trying to bring back his queen.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Georg-Veramme/719603017 Georg Veramme

Did Spooy see HBO’s Game of Thrones?
Jason Mamoa was Khal Drogo in that one.

http://www.facebook.com/people/João-Monteiro/100000372094634 João Monteiro

And he talked even less then!
- http://www.facebook.com/people/Georg-Veramme/719603017 Georg Veramme
  
  Well he did speak Dothrakki so……pfff…dunno.

Anonymous

I saw it on Monday at a matinee. Will this be remembered 30 years from now?..Oh hell no. Was it an average sword & sorcery action flick? yes. So I seem to be a little on par with Spoony than Miles. I wasn’t dissapointed walking out, but I have little interest in buying this and watching it again..so in that respect I’m glad I went to see it in 3D at the theaters.

Anonymous

That was another thing the villian’s death was the weakist ones out of all of them! And yeah they villians were incestuous they were sharing a bed in that one scene.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Lenne-Shuyin/100002432893015 Lenne Shuyin

who is the oldest? MILES?

http://www.facebook.com/emporer.belabbes Abdel Belabbes

If you blame the writer, you do blame Mamoa because he re-wrote the script.

Anonymous

Damn that is probaly why it sucks!
Anonymous

Huh? No he didn’t. Sean Hood re-wrote the script (and frankly, if you think THIS was bad – and it is – you should read the earlier drafts). Jason Momoa just had a couple of ideas for the sequel.

http://www.facebook.com/emporer.belabbes Abdel Belabbes

If you blame the writer, you do blame Mamoa because he re-wrote the script.

http://twitter.com/the_real_TRR Taylor Reitz

Well I saw that coming. Not that I was going to see it anyway.

You guys should watch the Fright Night remake. Granted it is very painful to watch, though it does make fun of twilight and have proper vampire lore.

http://twitter.com/the_real_TRR Taylor Reitz

Well I saw that coming. Not that I was going to see it anyway.

You guys should watch the Fright Night remake. Granted it is very painful to watch, though it does make fun of twilight and have proper vampire lore.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Dick-Johnson/100002666487423 Dick Johnson

BLOOD FOR ACHERON!!!

Anonymous

Spoony screaming right at the camera could be part of a great Youtube poop.

This movie sounds like poop.

re4mercenary

Anyone else not able to watch any videos on the site? All i get is a blank over where the video box should be.

Anonymous

I agree this movie was terribly flawed! The thing that was the best part of the movie the being was the part that asn’t required! If the movie had just opened with an adult Conan going about his adverage day and some how got swept up in an avenger to take down that warlord guy and it was slowly revealed threw like flash backs that he was the same man that killed Conan’s whole village that’d been a closer to the comics and books stories and would’ve been a lot better film.
Also, to me to fit the quote/unquote Conan story that people like me would’ve enjoyed if Conan’s girlfriend the “virgin” sacred bloodline chick should’ve dyed at the villain’s hand.
I know that sounds terrible and a lot like I’m saying the whole “Girl in the Regridrator” thing is ok, but that would’ve added some drama and tragity to the story it was really missing. and by lieving her alive makes the story into a freaking video game plot. And, I said this on the Snob’s review of the film but it’s more like a Superman story set in the freaking Stone Age more than a Conan the Barbarian story!
Also, like ya’ll said the whole thing with the helmet/mask/whatever was lost to me I forgot what is was suppose to do outside bring his dead wife back. I was mislead by the Trailers to believe it gave him controle of like that giant Squid thing, but he had that before he even completed the Helmet ritual! Something else none of ya’ll have mentioned but to me I hated was Conan’s friends didn’t have any real part they’d show up to help then just disapear. Why couldn’t they hang around and fallow him like in the other movies I like the whole motley crew that helped Conan out here the thief dude showed up long enough to help him break into the badguy’s castle get in trouble get saved and then leave!
The closest thing to what this movie should’ve been was an unpicked up piolet for a animated show ment to parody Conan and old 80s Sword & Sorcery/Post-Apoculypes Fantacy cartoons on Adult Swim called Korgoth of Barbaria. The main hero just shows up some people aprouch him for help getting some Mcguffin they offer to pay him al lot her refusses they poison him and to get the cure he has to go get said McGuffin. Along the way he rescues a girl the screw he likes her they get to this Wizard’s house that owns the McGuffin go to steal it the Wizard comes home and gets pissed and starts killing people and that inclued the heroe’s girl he get’s pissed fights and defeats the Wizard gets the McGuffin and takes it back to the guy that wanted it and get’s his cure for the poison and goes about his buisness again. That is what this movie should’ve been more like the fuckin’ parody!

Sorry for the long comment!

http://twitter.com/86TheJehuty M.A Ajab

*Spoony gets close to the camera and scream*

GOOD GOD ! MY EARS ! >_<

*sees Sponny about to scream again to the camera*

OH SHIT , NOT AGAIN !! *Take off his headphones*

Phew , that was close. -_-

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1380617496 Martin Backman

One of the main reasons I don’t ever use headphones :P

http://twitter.com/T9SayWha Jerry Sosa

Who’s older? Miles or Noah?

Anonymous

Miles.
Anonymous

Miles.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Lenne-Shuyin/100002432893015 Lenne Shuyin

whos cutest NOAH OR MILES……….marry me noah

Anonymous

This comment frightens me.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Dan-Duncan/1395490109 Dan Duncan

Sigh… Yeah, I pretty much figured this one would be sub-par. Very cliché plot of assembling all the mask/shikon jewel/triforce pieces. Though, even such overused plots can still be done well. I have not seen this movie yet, but from the sound of it, Conan seems very two-dimensional if it’s true that he doesn’t learn anything, overcome personal challenges or is never in any real danger. When you just know he’s gonna kick the bad guy’s ass, that kinda takes the fun out of it, but that’s just my opinion. I’m easily turned-off by overpowered protagonists.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Dan-Duncan/1395490109 Dan Duncan

Sigh… Yeah, I pretty much figured this one would be sub-par. Very cliché plot of assembling all the mask/shikon jewel/triforce pieces. Though, even such overused plots can still be done well. I have not seen this movie yet, but from the sound of it, Conan seems very two-dimensional if it’s true that he doesn’t learn anything, overcome personal challenges or is never in any real danger. When you just know he’s gonna kick the bad guy’s ass, that kinda takes the fun out of it, but that’s just my opinion. I’m easily turned-off by overpowered protagonists.

Anonymous

Deux Ex 3 vlog next, right?

Anonymous

Hey Noah–fuck you for that fucking scream.

Anonymous

Miles rocks.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Trenin-Bayless/602530927 Trenin Bayless

Watch Game of Thrones, and then you will know that the quality of this movie has nothing to do with Jason Momoa’s acting…
I blame the script…
And director…
And every one else!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1498915683 Andrew Boyce

I loved the books, I loved the HBO series, I heard that the people say that Jason DID suck as an actor. But i didn’t expect him to, since he knows how to be a tribal leader barbarian. Except in Conan your taking off all “leader” from it.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Nathen-VanZile/100000201624679 Nathen VanZile

So, you think you can scream, huh? Well, I can out-do you. Say goodbye
to your speakers, because I’m about to crank it up to 11:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l1sgfLmC1Y
Beat that, mighty Spoony One!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Luke-Rees/100000239794052 Luke Rees

As soon as I heard ‘fighting on a wheel’ I remembered the scene in Dead Man’s chest where, you know, they’re fighting in and on a giant wheel. So not only COULD it happen in Pirates of the Caribbean it DID happen.

Anonymous

Eh, it was more “fighting on a disk” than a wheel. Although it was very reminiscent of Pirates…

http://www.facebook.com/lmearing Luke Mearing

AHRG!! PLEASE!! NO MORE SCREAMING IN MY EARS

http://twitter.com/TripleM88 Triple M

goddammit that screaming almost destroyed my speakers while giving me a heart attack!

Anonymous

I haven’t watched this video yet but before I do I just want to take a guess, It’s Noah and his brother Miles discussing a movie… that they both hated…………yet again.

http://www.facebook.com/CaptainAlbatross Reid Allen

You say that like it’s a bad thing.
- Anonymous
  
  When you seem to hate EVERYTHING it is.
  - http://www.facebook.com/ben.bowmer Ben Bowmer
    
    Yeah, cause I’m sure Spoony hates “EVERYTHING”!
    
    Considering that this site’s EXPLICIT purpose is to review BAD games and movies, it’s hardly a SURPRISE that you will find VIDEOS of Spoony ripping them a new asshole.
  - http://www.facebook.com/ben.bowmer Ben Bowmer
    
    Yeah, cause I’m sure Spoony hates “EVERYTHING”!
    
    Considering that this site’s EXPLICIT purpose is to review BAD games and movies, it’s hardly a SURPRISE that you will find VIDEOS of Spoony ripping them a new asshole.
    - Anonymous
      
      Well, he rants a lot but I think you read too much into peoples comments. It’s more a remark about how him and his brother seem to dislike almost every movie that comes out.

Anonymous

Just got back from the Conan 3D and as much as i agree that it had reaaaaaaaaaally basic Fantasy story, Shwarzenegger movies ware similiar in that sense…And if you prefer the older ones over THIS…its just because of the nostalgia factor.

Old Conan movies ware stupid as fuck and cheesy as shit, Conan 2011 is goofy at parts and very over the top with the violence. And as much as i love Shwarzenegger movies…he was the weakest part of the Conan barbarian/destroyer, and he was playing more like a big. dumb Orc than a warrior…

…And say whatever you like but Jason Momoa’s fight scenes almost looked like he was an animal, and for me that WAS very barbaric…and now when i think about it, he would play great Kraven the Hunter…just a thought.

Anonymous

argh, I don’t need an up-close shot, Spoony! Warn me next time. Also, I’d like to hear your impressions of Deus Ex: Human Revolution when you get the chance.

Anonymous

argh, I don’t need an up-close shot, Spoony! Warn me next time. Also, I’d like to hear your impressions of Deus Ex: Human Revolution when you get the chance.

Anonymous

argh, I don’t need an up-close shot, Spoony! Warn me next time. Also, I’d like to hear your impressions of Deus Ex: Human Revolution when you get the chance.

Anonymous

I’ve only seen the trailer of the new Conan movie, I thought it looked too dark, I didn’t like the cgi, I didn’t like the slowmotion, I didn’t believe Conan’s emotions.

I’m not judging the whole movie and I will see it some day.

Just wanna say it’s very important to me to be emotionally invested and to believe the setting is real to somewhat real.
I believe people like me, Spoony, Miles that we like the old movie cause we can believe in the emotions of Conan, that we can believe his backstory in the movie really made him who he is and we can believe the world is real.

Didn’t even see the old Conan as a kid so to me it’s really NOT nostalgia talking.

I just get the feeling that those who like the movies like the new one, they just wanna see something cool on the screen and don’t really care about the story that much at all.

Maybe cause the old movies are too old and ugly they just don’t care anything about it. Like with those who can’t watch black and white movies cause they have no color.

It’s possible I’m too old and just don’t get it but I am always open to others point of view as long as it isn’t just this rules, that sucks without a why.

doresh

I know it’s hard to escape the shadow of the 1982 classic, but they should’ve at least tried. Giving the movie the EXACT SAME NAME as the Schwarzenegger one and using the same basic plot and motivation for your Conan isn’t going to help much…

Thanks for mentioning why the magical aspecst in the original worked so well. It’s simply a matter of atmosphere: the 1982 movie was subtle in its portrayal of the supernatural, and the violence was brutal, gritty and realistic.
Sadly, modern Hollywood seems far too concerned to include as much GCI as possible. Just look at the new Three Musketeer movie, which will feature Wuxia, steampunk-bullshit, airships and probably machine guns and robots and some point… -.-

Anonymous

To be fair, the name “Conan the Barbarian” was the name of one of the first Conan books published back in the 1950s, as well as the hugely popular Marvel comic series. Not to mention, you know, being the name used in Weird Tales in the 1930s. Still, using the same plot/motivation was completely a bad idea.
- doresh
  
  Naming your grand new reboot after a book and a comic series, neither of which has anything to do with your movie, is still kinda silly. But far more importantly, it will make everyone think about the OTHER Conan the Barbarian.
  
  Plus, if you absolutely have to use the “Conan the X”-format (despite there being enough Conan books with a different format), there are still plenty of nouns they could have used – like “Conan the Generic Fantasy Hero”
  
  I think they should’ve ripped of Stallone’s recent sequels and simply called it “Conan”.

http://twitter.com/BulletLogic BulletLogic

OW!! My EARS!!!!….that was awesome!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Juha-Keranen/1004118273 Juha Keränen

FUCK YOU AND YOUR SCREAMING!!! :DDD

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jose-Batista/100000952184779 Jose Batista

Well as far as the mask is concerned, Zim could cause the earth to shake when he yells, also at the bridge he almost rez his wife in the body of the female lead. The monster in the castle scene was absolutely pointless, maybe if Zim use the demon mask to turn his dead daughter in chtullu spawn it might have made more sense. Finally rather than just having boring narration time skip between Conan’s village being destroyed (which I don’t think happens in the novels, I heard he left Cimmeria for glory, loot, and strange pootang.) having a few montages of him growing up as a thief, a mercenary, and a pirate would have been much more interesting.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jose-Batista/100000952184779 Jose Batista

Oh yeah, just remembered something else I was going to say, there didn’t seem to be much character development in the old stories either. Many plots went as such.:
1. Conan is in a tavern drinking/ either alone and being grim./ Drinking with friends and shooting the breeze.
2. Conan is hired to rob/guard / kill someone.
3. Finds ancient cult/ wizard/ demon/ chtullu spawns or combination of the four.
4. Conan slays the big evil, and skips town.
I know down the line Conan ultimately decides to start a mercenary company which begins his path to becoming a king by his own hand. But his old tales are like pulp serials where he goes trough adventures but at best go through small character growth.

Anonymous

That plot describes a lot of the comics and books written by other authors, but not the originals by Robert E. Howard. At best, it applies to maybe two or three of the original tales.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

I haven’t seen the new Conan, but when you said “the villain from Avatar”, I immdiately thought “Wait, Aasif Mandvi’s in this?”

Quickly followed by the thoughts: “And now over to senior world conquest-correspondent Aasif Mandvi”.

Anonymous

Ronon Dex!

Anonymous

Ronon Dex!

http://www.facebook.com/rolland.therrien Rolland Therrien

…Dammit, am I one of the only guys in the world who liked this movie? Yes, the story was generic Sword and Sorcery, to the point of hitting every cliche in the book like it was checking a list.

…But after years of reading Conan stories by Dark Horse comics, this movie felt and looked like one of those comics brought to life. Mormoa was Conan; he looked like Conan, talked like Conan, fought and schemed like Conan…

…Sure, he had like, zero character development, but that’s par for the course: Conan’s character DOESN’T develop. Or at least it didn’t in any of the stories I’ve read. Admittedly, I haven’t read the actual novels, but I’ve read adaptations of them, and Conan was very much a stoic character who mostly reacted to events around him, rather then be radically changed by them.

Anonymous

Conan undergoes a pretty substantial character arc, but it’s over the course of the stories as a whole, not during any single adventure. The young naive thief is different from the cynical seasoned mercenary, who’s different from the wily cunning adventurer, who’s different from the generous heroic king. It’s character progression that takes place over the course of a lifetime rather than a few days or weeks. It’s actually more realistic that way: changes in personality and perception are usually gradual rather than sudden, and not everybody changes their mind based on a single occurrence. Not every story has to be a Bildungsroman, where a character at the end is fundamentally different from who they were at the beginning, or “learns something today”: that’s just one type of story.

http://www.facebook.com/rolland.therrien Rolland Therrien

…Dammit, am I one of the only guys in the world who liked this movie? Yes, the story was generic Sword and Sorcery, to the point of hitting every cliche in the book like it was checking a list.

…But after years of reading Conan stories by Dark Horse comics, this movie felt and looked like one of those comics brought to life. Mormoa was Conan; he looked like Conan, talked like Conan, fought and schemed like Conan…

…Sure, he had like, zero character development, but that’s par for the course: Conan’s character DOESN’T develop. Or at least it didn’t in any of the stories I’ve read. Admittedly, I haven’t read the actual novels, but I’ve read adaptations of them, and Conan was very much a stoic character who mostly reacted to events around him, rather then be radically changed by them.

http://www.facebook.com/rolland.therrien Rolland Therrien

…Dammit, am I one of the only guys in the world who liked this movie? Yes, the story was generic Sword and Sorcery, to the point of hitting every cliche in the book like it was checking a list.

…But after years of reading Conan stories by Dark Horse comics, this movie felt and looked like one of those comics brought to life. Mormoa was Conan; he looked like Conan, talked like Conan, fought and schemed like Conan…

…Sure, he had like, zero character development, but that’s par for the course: Conan’s character DOESN’T develop. Or at least it didn’t in any of the stories I’ve read. Admittedly, I haven’t read the actual novels, but I’ve read adaptations of them, and Conan was very much a stoic character who mostly reacted to events around him, rather then be radically changed by them.

Anonymous

I am so glad I read ahead with the comments a little. I managed to avoid getting my ears destroyed.

I haven’t seen this movie, but it sounds worse than the Scorpion King. At least the Scorpion King was kind of in-tune with the second Mummy movie, and, although corny beyond belief, it was a ridiculously hollywood movie that wasn’t taking itself seriously to any extent. It was a fun, very cheesy action flick. This Conan film sounds like it has too many plot holes for me to enjoy at any point, and the CGI… well, I really wish that filmmakers would do a six month course in physiology before they go make an action flick. I don’t see it being worse than Highlander: the Source, though, and that has been my “worst movie ever” for the past 6 years.

I don’t really know whether I should bother seeing this one. Maybe when it comes out on dvd.

Anonymous

Oh God don’t scream in these vlogs… seriously my fucking ears

http://www.facebook.com/CaptainAlbatross Reid Allen

Heh, at first I thought that was a dramatic thunderclap sound effect you’d added in when you and Miles both screamed and not the microphone going “Ah, fuck you both!” That was hilarious.

Anonymous

I liked this movie – it was better than final destination 5 crap and another movie I went decently – Don’t be afraid of the dark (when your monsters are retarded hunchback’s monkeys, than don’t bother with the movie, it’s horrible) and it was crap.

This isn’t the levels of awesomnes of Cowboys and Aliens, but it was good. Better then Conan the Destroyer.

Anonymous

Warning: This Review Contains Multiple EAR RAPE

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MRPJN572GYJHM3Q2PVL3L7AOOY Dawson

You guys did not even once talk about the boat being carried by elephants. For shame.

John Kirkpatrick

Wow. I’ve been following you for a long time Noah and this is the first time I’ve ever really strongly disagreed with you or that you were being grossly unfair. I saw this movie on opening day and freaking loved it. It was fast paced, fun and really wasn’t as stupid or full of plot holes as a lot viewers seem to think.

Many of the things I’ve seen pointed to as stupid or plot holes are really just cherry-picked and presented with no context to seem stupid. When you put them in context they work fine.

Now there’s a statement early on that Noah made early on that is provably false. In the Schwarzenegger Conan films, the wound effects were really bad. Most of the time, there wouldn’t even be any visible wounds. Hell, once in the orgy massacre you can clearly see that the stuntman just held a handful of fake blood and threw it over his shoulder when Schwarzenegger pretended to hit him.

So yeah, Spoony spends an entire Vlog cherry-picking reasons to hate a film he really should like and the only reason I can think is because Roger Ebert hated it and ALL critics must kneel at the altar of the MOST HOLY Ebert.

Anonymous

I can’t agree more. But sadly you must admit, that actrees playing Tamara was annoying with little wooden acting, when she screams horribly “Conan” and they used this one take few times. And her scream… It was bad and irritating – for me. And Conan’s none hairy glowing ass.

That was the only thing I disliked though. The sword action was awesome, but I expected a little more from final boss than just falling, some more decapitations or gut spilling. But I guess there was enough blood, fight and gore, so I should shut up now :)

Anonymous

Actually it would be quite easy to decrease the volume when shouting too loud but i don’t know how long it would take. Of course, it would take less time to do it if you do it before uploading the video.

Anonymous

MY EARS!!!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathan-Pelikan/100000903137143 Jonathan Pelikan

Going to add my comment to the tide politely requesting that you avoid future ear rape, Spoony. I love your VLOGs, doubly so with Miles, but the screaming hurt. Do you have a relatively new mic or something?

http://thesmugglingcove.blogspot.com/ DrSyn

Rachel Nichols looked completely disinterested in everything going at the end of the movie.

“Soon, your body will be serve as a vessel for my mother!”
“Yeah, whatevs.”
“Now you will be tied to this circular sacrificing contraption!!”
“I’ma take a nap.”

http://twitter.com/LikChan Lik Chan

Man, this movie looked terrible from the trailers. Guess it lived up to it.

Anonymous

I only went to see this cus I liked Jason Momoa so much in Game Of Thrones (I’m not even really a die hard fan of the Arnie Conan). I didn’t find it annoyingly bad, but it wasn’t particularly good either. Khal Drogo would totally kick Conan’s ass though (*spoiler*(kind of) the single action scene Momoa does in series 1 of Game Of Thrones is a thousand times better than everything in this movie).

http://www.facebook.com/people/Bruce-Kilkowski/583400802 Bruce Kilkowski

I will have power over the dead.. when I AUTHORIZE it!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Bruce-Kilkowski/583400802 Bruce Kilkowski

I will have power over the dead.. when I AUTHORIZE it!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Bruce-Kilkowski/583400802 Bruce Kilkowski

I will have power over the dead.. when I AUTHORIZE it!

Leomann

I’m really enjoying these v-log reviews you do with Miles…having another person directly involved in the discussion who you can address and who tends to have a slightly different perspective makes for more interesting watching.

Also, I’m noticing that Miles has become a lot less self conscious than he used to be. Keep the v-logs coming!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Bruce-Kilkowski/583400802 Bruce Kilkowski

Spoony, you should check out the Solomon Kane movie they released Europe not long ago. It’s a pretty decent flick, and a good Robert Howard adaptation to boot. The only problem is, it never got a US release, even on DVD. I saw it on YouTube, where a guy was kind enough to upload it.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmy-TheFish/100000139595167 Jimmy TheFish

I liked Ronan from Stargate Atlantis but this was shit and he cant compare to Arnold

John Calderini

I loved the “You can see that shit happening in Pirates of the Caribbean” when it actually DOES happen in there.

Anonymous

should have gotten James Earl Jones to narrate…

Christopher Smith

Good review but duuuuuude you scream a lot! :D I had to rock back and forth on the volume.

arjumand

I love you guys, you’re as funny as hell, scream all you want!

Regarding the movie – I so badly wanted to love it or even like it, because I love Jason Momoa – he was so good in SGA, despite being seriously fucked over by the producers on that show (get this: he couldn’t have a love interest in Jewel Staite because that would be like the jocks in high school always getting the pretty girl. That’s right, they created this character whose whole world has been destroyed and who managed not to be a complete psychotic asshole, and all they really see is a ‘jock from high school’. Just one of the many ways they screwed with him – just listen to a few of Joe Flanigan’s speeches on the subject; those guys, Joe Mallozzi and co. are serious douchebags).

And when I saw the posters and the previews, he just looked so perfect for the role, visually, that is.

But then I saw the movie. Can I still say ‘Oy vey’ even though I’m not from the US? Because, seriously. I mean, the first part, with lil’ Conan was pretty good, but then Stephen Lang came in and fucked everything up – I saw that as the beginning of the gross-out things just for the sake of it. That’s when Conan cut off the henchman’s nose, and that’s when the movie went downhill.

And in the rest of the movie, lots of things were happening for no reason, like the slave caravan, and then we meet noseless guy again, and ugh. And then whatshername with the pure blood or whatever, who, like DrSyn says downthread, completely checked out of the movie about ten minutes before the end. I think they just forgot to give her a script. “Just lie on the wheel and look worried.”

Also, remember that weird scene in the original where the Governator is having sex with the witch and then she . . . turns into a cat-thing (that is actually there, right? I didn’t make it up?) – that scene has more sexual . . . something than the scene where two extremely hot people, Jason Momoa and Rachel Nichols’ body double, have plastic, airbrushed, choreographed, dimly lit sex. First of all, there was no reason for them to bang, except the usual ‘case of the not-Gay’s!’ (yup, took that from Mr Plinkett). Secondly, that was SO not Rachel Nichols. Thirdly . . . yawn. Fuck you, director of this movie. You made what could have been an incandescent scene a boring yawn-fest.

All the points you made were valid (AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am holding my laptop up to the sky as I scream – Ok, I’m not, but I’m with you in spirit), except about Conan the Destroyer. I love that movie! ENOUGH talk!

IHeart28

I always love Spoony’s vlogs, I also love Miles being in the vlogs but this movie review vlog is probably one of my favorites now. These two made the description of the movie so goddamn funny! I especially love when spoony screams RIGHT into the camera, I laughed so hard I nearly pissed my pants.

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Vlog 8-24-11 – Conan the Barbarian