Spoony should go back to reviewing old obscure pc games… that’s why I came here in the first place

Every Counter Monkey makes me wish I’d actually gotten to play D&D with a group at some point. -_-

I’d really like to play some sort of beginner D&D type of game, but every time I look into it I get overwhelmed :( The books are huge and there’s so much stuff to learn, it seems becoming a brain surgeon would be less intense… It all seems so fun though!

I’d be a linguistics or animal training based thief and I’d always have a ranged weapon, a blunt weapon and a small slashing/piercing weapon, even if I had to find/make them all myself, and I’d always have bags ^_^ I really like the idea of being able to glance into other cultures and worlds (in a non supernatural/magickal way) in a useful way though so either languages or animals are a must.

Now, to just translate that into a character sheet and get into a beginner’s game, that’s where things get tricky >_<

You’re going to make me the best noob ever. That DM won’t know what’s coming!

i had a guy kill our cleric with a crossbow after shooting us 5 times that game he was our wizard no trust him any more

A piece of advice to the spellcasters: if you can afford it, get yourself a wand. At the end of the day, when you’re out of spells, it may save your life.
It doesn’t have to be a damage focused one like Fireball (if they break they explode in your face, and the DM knows it really well), just one of those useful little bastards that maybe you didn’t include in your regular list. My bard bought a Hideous Laughter one, and it’s one hell of a purchase: they may be twice my size with a giant fucking cleaver in each hand, they still won’t be that effective when they’re rolling on the floor. On the subject, spells of this kind with a Will ST are great against fighters and the like, keep them ready.

I won MVP in a massive 10 man party for 4th edition using my rogue. My rogue was dodging in and out of this massive melee combat, shifting around and backstabbing enemies, and then moving out of range of the heavy hitting baddies. I ended up doing fully half the damage of the entire combat. Though sadly it ultimately resulted in my characters death (at level 3) and my group was so impressed with me, they went on a special quest just to get him rezzed.

In the DCC system (created by Goodman games, check it out its awesome) when you make a ranged attack into melee you only have a chance to hit your allies if you miss. Missing an enemy gives you a 50/50 chance to either hit your ally or have your weapon skitter into the darkness. Also any ranged weapon (javalin, dagger, sling stone, arrow) has a 50% chance to break if it doesn’t hit a target. Because lets face it, you throw that javalin into a stone wall, its probably going to snap the head off.

Its really fun at low level in the DCC since you start off as a group of 0 level peasants, with no armor and no real weapons and jack all for hit points (1d4+con mod). One of your friends has a sling and he starts firing into melee. There is a good chance he can kill you outright. One of my players tested his luck untill the first time he threw a dart into the back of his ally. managed to do 2 points of damage to a character with 4 HP. After that he decided never to fire into melee again. Lesson learned.

Oh god, I remember the first time I played Dungeons and Dragons. It was fourth edition, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. The party consisted of a Half-Elf Fighter, an Elf Ranger, an Elf Cleric, and a Dragonborn Sorcerer (me.) The party walked into a town, only to see it being ravaged by goblins, fairly standard low level encounter, right? Well, the DM threw a twist. He put a Dark Paladin and an evil Dwarven Cleric. They nabbed our cleric, and hopped into the town’s fountain, mumbling some spell and poof, they disappeared. So, naturally, we started getting our asses kicked. Me, being the Numb nut that I was at the time, decided to ‘go cowboy’ and rescue our cleric. Rolled for Arcane Lore and perception check, made both roles and realized I could follow them wherever they went.

Turns out that was the worst idea I have ever had. It teleported me into a shadow realm where I couldn’t speak, move, or see anything. All of my items were gone as well. Few turns later, I was crushed by some enormous beast, then my corpses popped back into the normal dimension, only to land on our Half-Elf fighter who was busy with two or three goblins at the time. So I single handedly killed my entire party. Except for the Cleric. We presume she was sold into slavery.

That whole ‘specialising weapons’ lesson is one I learned the hard way on my very first game of Dungeons and Dragons. I was late joining due to stuff, too, so I ended up joining as a level 3 Ranger with a Paladin, a Barbarian and a Cleric. Very first session, we end up fighting a ghost. Ghosts can only be hurt by magic and enchanted weapons, and as I’m sure the people reading this have noticed, we didn’t have a wizard. The only magic we had was the Paladin’s Smite Evil and the Cleric’s 3 daily spells. Needless to say I was slightly annoyed at the GM at this point, but unfortunately the campaign had to be disbanded a few weeks later anyway.

I have that guy in the party I currently play in. He’s a complete wildcard cleric that runs off on his own, wants to play evil and good because of the spells it gives him, can’t decide what to stick with and refuses to heal people from time to time for stupid reasons.
One time we were in combat in a cave and we needed some light and he decided to cast light. So far so good, but then he needs to decide what to cast it on. I was holding off a gang of orcs and he had healed me the previous turn, so he casts the freaking light spell on my nose. Of course our DM immediately dished out penalties to AR and AC (which was fair, a DM should punish fucking up) so now we were all kinds of screwed. We managed to make it out okay because no crits were rolled on the enemy side (a small miracle in and off it self with all the Falchions they were wielding, but it could have resulted in a TPK if I fell.

Also about the pathfinder campaign Spoony,
Kaylyn (Marzgurl) was in the party and carried some big ass sword (If I remember correctly, she had a sword at least) but she couldn’t participate because her computer had just broken down. Had she been around, the party would have probably been fine. I’m also pretty sure at least one other guy actually had a slash weapon but didn’t use it. Still they made a lot of mistakes, spreading thinly and taking big risks on their own. In the end the Orthello the warhorse saved the day (from a TPK).

When one of our guys became troll paste, the only way we could save him from certain death was by setting him on fire. His affinity was so high that he healed with fire. Of course my character had to go find his ghost and bring him back. He was hit so hard that his ghost ended up getting lost.

One of our main tactics when mediation fails is setting this guy on fire and having him tank.(If not him than another meat shield) Funny thing, when we first learned of his affinity, my character would constantly troll him by randomly setting him on fire. The fire was rather hard on his armor though. It took awhile for us to get him some armor that wouldn’t burn away everytime he immolated himself.

Dude, this video is great so far (haven’t seen it all), but it has to be said. I LOVE THAT SHIRT! Seriously, its just awesome.

I have two stories where separating from the party has killed me and saved me (sort of).

The initial story surrounds my first character, it was my first real set of D&D sessions, and the DM was sort of letting us feel out how to get through this stuff. He’s not the type of guy to build up a his own custom settings, so it was a pre-made campaign. I was playing as a half-elf Necromancer (not a great choice because A) necromancers in 2.0 were usually evil and b) any type of elf in that system couldn’t be necromancers from what I remember) .. So we end up going around the countryside and come upon a fort that was lorded over by an old Paladin. His son, enamored by his father’s tales of adventure, wanted to join our party to go out into a swamp that has “untold treasures.” I was against this idea, but out-voted, we went along with this kid’s plan. So we continue to mosey about the countryside when we suddenly get into a fight with (I THINK) dire wolves.. Everyone is pretty screwed, and watching everyone sort of drop like flies, my “flight” instinct kicks in and I just bolt out of there.. (Yeah, cowardly move, but I lived to fight another day, no less..) I spent an entire day sprinting, running to a cottage with a local druid living there.. we both go back, and everyone else is pretty much dead. So I’m the last one left, and as life can be a double-edged sword, I have to be the one to go to the Paladin to explain to him that our party got his kid killed…. “Awkward” doesn’t quite describe it…

Another example where I get killed, and this is really how it usually works out: I’m a thief in a party wandering the Underdark (we ended up going down there in a lot of campaigns, and no offense to our DM, it got a little stale.. ) I was lucky enough to have the “Cloak of the Bat” which allows for flight and invisibility if you don’t move. We’re wandering about in the depths of these caves below the crust of the earth, and as we’re moving around we get into a fight, we’re taking count of what we killed, and our available paths. Out of whatever thought process I was running on at the time, I decided I wanted to scout ahead on one path.. coming across a stone maze.. So, rather than navigating a maze of possible death, I float over it.. flying towards the center, which has a tree with diamonds growing in it.. Greed takes hold, I’m curious.. I sit down on one of the walls on the inner circle of the maze, picking up some rocks and tossing it into the area of the tree.. Turns out the area is guarded by a monster composed of 4 legs and a large mouth which hops out of the ground and eats the rock.. Okay, so I decide to toss a rock out and as the rock is in the air, and jump out to the tree.. BIG mistake, as I don’t count on there being another one of the monsters IN THE CEILING.. so my ass gets eaten and the party has to go, navigate the maze and kill the monster.. by then I’m already dead, so yeah… so much for that plan.. powerful lesson in NOT LEAVING THE PARTY.

Will Wheaton can attest to this (His character split from the party and died in an acid trap)… so yeah, don’t split from the party. :)

There is no rule in the 3.5 players handbook that says if you miss while firing into melee that you will hit one of your team mates. In fact you take the -4 penalty just because your character is TAKING SPECIAL CARE to not hit ally. I would understand hitting an ally on a botch, but otherwise your DM is just being a dick. All precise shot does is take away the penalty.

I’ve got a general question regarding D&D. Everyone in my group is pretty new to the game and we’re running our DM’s first campaign. Thing is, I’m not really having much fun with the game, mostly because i keep missing dice rolls and I can’t do anything competently.

So here’s my question: am I supposed to feel like I have very little control over things? I keep whiffing on attacks, I keep missing checks on things, I keep getting second to last initiative even though my initiative is the highest in the party- is this normal? Every game I’ve played, i just suck so bad, and is it just luck? Or are characters supposed to suck most of the time in this game?

I loved the video Spoony! I’m still working on my custom d20 system, and ideas for it. So far I’ve decided to say “fuck this 1 time period shit If we managed to go out into space there would surely be races far more primitive than us and there would be races so advanced the could ass rape us by blinking an eye”. If there’s anyone interested in checking it out when its done send me a pm or something!

It’s video’s of awesome anecdotes and the like that make me really sad I’ve never been able to actually be in a D&D game. All my friends have, but I’m usually the odd man out when it comes to schedules. =/

I fucking love these Counter Monkey videos. Just now I wanted to watch you rant for a little while and lo, a new video is up already!

I’m playing a Rogue in Pathfinder. I got a sneak attack on a goblin leader with character levels. I got critical. 23 total damage. It was spectacular.

I don’t play D&D so I don’t have any stories, but I do remember “critical miss” occasions from Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura. You roll a critical miss, all that damage goes into you. I remember so many instances of somehow managing to shoot myself with a fucking Looking Glass Rifle that’s as long as I am, and taking critical damage. I’ve DIED from those because my guy was an engineer and didn’t have that much health.

A friend of mine had one better, though. He had Gar, the World’s Smartest Orc with him, and I think for lack of money had equipped the man with a dagger. Well, Gar rolls a critical miss, he rolls a critical hit on himself… And cuts his own head with a dagger. Graphically. Like Fallout, Arcanum had “brutal kill” animations, and Gar lost his head on camera. From his own dagger. I’m not even sure how that’s possible, but Gar managed it.

I know that guy because that’s how i beat Baldurs gate as a kid. If i even suspected trouble ahead i would save, bomb it with napalm, and advance. Didn’t do much collateral damage to the party, but when i played the game a few weeks ago i did get into few issues with color spray. Three of my party knocked out and subsequently executed thanks to me being a dumbass with magic.

That guy… is un-FUCKING-believable.

Ah but on a more serious note, it’s a matter of improvising. Your
claymore’s not working because the target is immune to slashing? Turn it
90 degrees in your hands and hit it with the flat. Or hold it the other
way around and Mordhau a motherfucker. Spear’s not hurting skeletons? A spear is a shaft with a pointy end, just wield it as a quarterstaff. Arrows not dealing damage? Disregard bitches, acquire rocks. Target immune to crushing damage? Put a spike on your hammer. Rapier’s not working? Fisticuffs for you, ruffian! Lycans fucking you up? Get a silver ring and choke that werewolf like the bitch it is. Fey ruining your day? Get a Dwarven smith to make you an iron belt. Using a spiked chain? There are all sorts of uses for that! (though I do not recommend climbing it) Ten foot poles? Turn them into ladders with some rope! Have to flee through a street full of beggars and thieves? Drop some coin!

The possibilities are endless!

Ooo. I like grease, because it has an offensive use too ontop of its defense/trap applications.

My Setup: An enemy is running away. Your Barbarian is chasing him down; he’s still within range. Grease the enemy’s boots; he better hope he makes that reflex save. Being on the ground with a raging barbarian and his greataxe over you is not a good thing.

Granted it works better if the enemy has boots, but also think about using it on their weapons. A greased sword is impossible to use effectively.

Here’s another example, combining a level 0 utility spells and a magic item. I played a Duskblade once (the arcane fighter equivalent of a cleric), and we were a little higher level. I made it so he would be proficient in bluff and disguise (high int gave him a little leeway in cc skills), being an infiltration kind of character. Why? He had a Hat of Disguise (+10 to disguise checks). And duskblades get free level 0 spells ontop of their “known” ones, one of the ones? Ghost Sound. So he can literally make his voice change and if need be, cause himself to sound somewhere else…Or as someone else. He literally once imitated a queen. To the point where it should’ve been illegal how well it worked out.

Remember, just because a spell DOESN’T do damage…doesn’t mean it can’t cause it. Always think “how can I make this utility spell useful?”

Never had a guy that fired into melee. We actually had fairly intelligent people running in the groups I was in. I did manage to annoy a lot of people just because I had an uncanny knack for reading faces and reading people in general and I could tell what cliches the DMs wanted to use, so I would stay out of their traps while everyone else just walked right into them.

Basically there are two types of people that look for escapism the most in society, the highly intelligent and the sociopathic. I’ve encountered a couple sociopaths and they just suck the joy out of everything they’re involved in and players, and in my experience, DMs are just not worth playing with.

I don’t know about the older D&Ds, Spoony, but in Pathfinder and I think 3.5, daggers only do piercing. Which is stupid unless it’s a stiletto, but I know a lot of stickler DMs. I do have a realist DM however who house-rules real-world weapon effects in like being staggered by hits from something really heavy. A greatsword won’t just cut you, it will knock you back or down. A rapier won’t do jack against full plate unless you somehow slip between the seams or score a visor shot. A fireball to the face won’t just burn you, it’ll scare the HELL out of you. Like the whole acid in Tempus’ face thing.
By the way, there’s a feat that lets archers fire into melee without risk of hitting allies. Any archer that’s not an idiot in Pathfinder takes it, since everyone with bigger than Light armor wades into melee. Archers can be just as bad as rogues, especially if they’re ninjas. Sneak attack at twice a rogue’s range or better with a composite bow? Yes please!

There’s no rule in 3.5 or 4e where you hit your ally for firing into melee. That’s a homebrew rule only. Your DMs are assholes.

spoony Play Some Fucking Dungeon World, Okay

also lmao at the callback to “i’m not that kinda thief”

I wanna ask and this may seem off topic but where do we find out about live sessions? I would love to be there as they happen. Also I am loving Counter Monkey. Please never stop making these.

I’m hoping to see Spoony talk about D&D Next. That ars article, while seemingly quite biased, did pique my interest in it a lot.

Great advice, but….

*glares at the Marauder tee*

….Spoony.

What. the. Hell?

I remember watching your livestream Q & A (or rather a recording or it that didn’t have the fucking questions shown), and I remember how you acted during that.

It almost made me have no sympathy for your Ultima 9 review.

Spoony: To be fair, I did deserve to self destruct that night. There was NO reason for me to be raised. (Being ‘possibly’ the pyromaniac from the story?)

The fear of having to shoot into melee is EXACTLY why the first archery feat I gave my Pathfinder ranger was “Precise Shot,” especially since she’s still low-level. Granted at her current state she does more damage with her cold iron greatsword than she does with her composite longbow and its +4 Str bonus (and, really, depending on your DM and/or the world setting it shouldn’t be hard getting a cold iron weapon even at 1st level, since in 3rd Edition D&D and Pathfinder they just cost double the normal, non-masterwork price of a weapon — it’s adding magical enhancements to it that gives it its extra expense).

At the time she also carried three flasks of alchemist’s fire, but that was due primarily to my memories of playing “Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar,” when I would try and funnel enemies through a small passage and throw a flask of oil at them when they bottlenecked. Understandably, there’s is ALWAYS the fear that the wrong hit at the wrong time will set them all off, lighting her up like a Christmas tree.

Regrettably I didn’t give her a club as a part of her starting gear when I first began playing, but if the game ever gets going again (and she escapes the castle she was infiltrating) it’ll be on her list of new equipment to pick up (unless she can grab a warhammer, first); I’ll soon be adding empty sacks to that very list, a simple item I’ve often overlooked in the past (at least she made use out of her crowbar, but time will tell if she’ll ever use her shovel, sewing needle, or steel mirror).

Keep up the Dnd stuff your stories got me to go back to a game store and get into pathfinder after not playing since 3rd edition. Thanks Spoony.

This is great advice Spoony. I wish I’d had some of this told to me when I started in D&D, as I suffered. But:

Oh do I know the perils of bad spell choices. My sorcerer Lukas Aran was the culmination of all the failures of prior spellcasters and the willingness to listen to advice when it was given.

GREASE. Anyone who can get grease as a spell, should. Grease is one of the best spells in D&D 3.5. It can bring some enemies to their knees and it’s surprisingly useful at higher levels. From level 1 to level 10 (when I couldn’t keep playing the character due to Living Greyhawk ending.) it was always useful. ANYTHING that wasn’t especially dexterous was vulnerable to suddenly being prone like the Three Stooges on Ice. It can disarm AND it’s effective on big nasties like Hydras.

Glitterdust is close behind. Enlarge Person is useful for upping the damage of the fighter. Expeditious Retreat came in handy constantly. Magic Missile is actually better after level 2 because its damage scales. Bull’s Strength, Cat’s Grace and the other stat boosters are good too. Don’t bogart the buffs either!

If the fighter is stronger, he hits harder and more often. If the rogue is more dexterous, he’s gonna hit more and get hit less. Magic Weapon is good just in case. Shield and Mage Armor keep you alive and against ghosts, they’re a godsend.

Ray of Enfeeblement can turn some fights around by reducing the enemy’s accuracy and damage.

Fireball is Ok, but getting an elemental substitution feat that lets you sub in another type of damage on the fly is even better with it.

Wall of Ice. This spells has saved entire parties. Do you need a round of breathing room to heal and get the party on their feet? Wall of ice. Don’t want to face two flanking groups of enemies in an alley? Wall of ice. Granted, the specific use is “divide the enemies, buy time.” But that is a better waste of a spellcaster’s time than mere damage because it prevents damage to the party.

Another good spell is Fly. Just, Fly. It provides mobility, speed, and it reduces the advantages of the flying enemies.

Haste. Haste is another REALLY GOOD spell. Extra movement, bonus on to hit rolls, a bonus to AC. Just the speed alone is worth it. The rest is just gravy.

Oh, and SOMETHING that bypasses Spell Resistance.

And that’s just the spells I know. Spoony though, he’s covered a LOT of other issues new players and foolish players have.

That means that the alchemist must take “delayed explosion” on discoveries immediately after second level in Pathfinder seeing as throwing bombs is their main combat ability.

just saw a comic by Penny Arcade, it gave out an idea about D&D for the Wii-U, 3 to 4 people uses the Wii-Mote to customize and fight with there characters, while the guy with the Wii-U Tablet being the dungeon master, what do you think, is it a bad or good idea?

Yeah, I can picture the stories in my head. Maybe Spoony should turn Counter Monkey into a book.

“Don’t be that guy” Lesson learned, lived and loved ;). Really funny counter monkey this time, I’ll be sure to keep a clear head when playing D&D. Really enjoyed this spoony

Love the whole thief rant…I had a rogue/sorcerer multiclass who had ‘summon monster’ just so she could create someone to flank with if the rest of the party had charged off to be heroic

A lot of the player advice Spoony brings up in these videos is also good MMORPG strategy. Or at least FFXI strategy. Thieves are all about the Sneak Attack in FFXI too.

Caltrops: Weaponized d4s.

If you think that’s silly, try stepping on one.

Also, if you have weapon focus or something, can’t you use your spear to slash, or the guard of the rapier to smash?

Many spears had blades on them IRL, so you could easily claim that you have a Scandinavian style spearstaff instead of an Irish rapparee.

But if you’re wielding it like a simple weapon? You only know how to poke with it.

Same with Longswords and larger: If you know how to wield it, you can swing at people with the pommel.

Of course, DM might demand minus to damage, and that you have appropriate feats, but I personally think it’s better than walking around with five hundred weapons on them.

I know Spoony hammers home that thieves should always flank, but honestly, ANY melee character should flank enemies whenever possible. Even though they don’t get sneak attack damage, anyone can still get a flanking bonus to their hit chance when they attack an enemy from behind, if I’m not mistaken. I know that’s how it is in 3.5, and while I’m not super familiar with 4th edition, I don’t think they changed the rule for it.

Hihihih..! Rust monster..! ^^

Could you count a dagger as a blunt weapon if you say ‘I hit the skeleton with the hilt of my dagger’

I had a barbarian who is one of those paranoid types who carried every kind of weapon. He had a greataxe, an adamantine hammer, throwing axes, mithral gauntlets, and a cold iron morning star. All I needed was a magic weapon.

In one of my campaigns, I play a halfling thief. After saving a kings son, I was rewarded with an entire fleet manned by minotaur. Every time I go anywhere, I bring two of my minotaur with my, Grunt and Monster. They are extremely useful for flanking. I have the two of them get on either side of the monster and take my damage as I use rolls and tumbles to backstab and get away before I take any damage.

I have a friend who at our first game botched up an attack with his Sword of Defending +1 by getting a natural one three times in a row to confirm the critical failure. The DM gave him like three more chances, feeling a bit sorry for him since this was his first encounter and first session in dnd ever. So guess what, He rolled three more natural ones. The DM’s eyes were wide as fuck as he saw the rolls and said “I’ve never seen anyone screw up this badly…” So my friend died by breaking his sword of defending as his foe parried the attack, the piece that broke of flew into the air and pierced his neck straight through and killed him instantiation.