Anaconda

The Spoony One | Jan 11 2009 | more notation(s) | 
Anaconda

A Review by Noah Antwiler

Don't you think Lost would be a much better show if it had Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube and Jon Voight in it? Hey c'mon, bear with me now. You've got Jon Voight as the sage survivalist Locke, Ice Cube as a meaner ass-kicking Michael, and J-Lo as a sluttier, brain-damaged version of Kate that looks way hotter in a swimsuit. I guarantee you that Cube don't fear no polar bear, and Lopez would be so terrible that the writers would minimize her screen time. This is good, because Kate's backstory sucks anyway. It's a winning scenario all around!

There was a time when I wasn't nearly as pissed off as I am today. I was a dopey, gangly creature that was still a fan of the Final Fantasy videogames and, in one shocking episode of mental illness, thought that ID4: Independence Day was pretty good. I . . . was not a well person. Not like I am now! Now that I've discovered the wonderful powers of Rage. Bottling up anger is for pussies and Democrats; I say, it's a free country, damn it! Be angry if you want to be! Well, it's a free country as long as what you're saying doesn't offend anyone, because that'd just be too damn bad, wouldn't it? The point is, now that I've solved my little anger management problem, things have been a lot better for me. What I don't know is when precisely it all happened-- this epiphany. Contrary to popular belief it was not the Star Wars prequels that unleashed the beast, but something earlier. Something more insidious. And I think it happened right around the time that I saw Anaconda, the weekly creature feature I saw in 1997. I originally saw it in the affectionately-titled "dollar theater", and ended up paying about 98 cents more than this film was actually worth. But a lot of people saw it, and against all logic, this film managed to turn a profit and gross around $70 million. My hypothesis to explain this madness is that everyone paid in the vain hopes of seeing J-Lo's boobs, or at the very least, pokey nippleage through a wet tank-top.

I Heart Boobs!

This is a very, very sad thing to ponder, that $70 million that could have been spent on national health care or the development of our very own Captain America super-soldier serum went down the drains because of a nation of nerds with astigmatism as one group plunked down $8 and strained to make out Jennifer's nipples through mud-stained cotton. I have no room to complain, though, because I slow-mo'ed through Hackers on the rumor that I could catch a brief peek of blurry nipples. And this was before Gia, so leave me alone. But if you don't believe any of that, it may have something to do with the fact that Roger Ebert gave this movie three-and-a-half stars. See? ANYONE can do this movie critic thing!

Who are you going to believe? Me or Mr. Original-Sin-Was-3-Stars? Who loves ya, baby?

The opening crawl sets us up:

Tales of monstrous, man-eating Anacondas (why the capital A? Go all-caps and scare the shit outta me, baby! ANACONDAS!!) have been recounted for centuries by tribespeople of the Amazon Basin, some of whom are said to worship these giant snakes. (Yeah that's what I'd do if a giant snake ate my sister. Worship it.)

Anacondas are among the most ferocious-- and enormous-- creatures on earth (only they're not) growing, in certain cases, as long as 40 feet. Unique among snakes, they are not satisfied after eating a victim. They will regurgitate their prey in order to kill and eat again. (Can you really kill something twice? Anyway they make it sound like the snake is just being sadistic for giggles, when its only real motivation is to facilitate digestion.)

ALL CAPS, BABY!

AAAAAH!!! This movie's not fucking around! Boldface, red letters, and underlining?? Jesus FISH!!

You want it WHEN??

The movie opens on the lovely sunrise of the Amazon Basin, with a traditionally spooky South American theme playing, sort of like a mix of the Predator theme and the opening shots to Rambo III. I hope I get to see Jon Voight or Ice Cube in a Muay Thai stick fight. Instead, the movie is rather boringly predictable, following the same routine outline for monster movies used for years. The first scene establishes the monster's lethality and menace by easily slaughtering either (a) a couple of stupid teenagers having sex or (b) some hapless dope out near the water. In this case, the Anaconda's first victim is Danny Trejo (that guy you know primarily as the Angry Mexican Guy in every Robert Rodriguez film ever made) in a most un-badass role as the nameless panicky sucker to get eaten by the Anaconda. The Anaconda isn't actually on camera yet, it's just a vague menace that rams into Danny's boat while tense music plays. Boards splinter and nails get knocked out of the planks. Danny panics at the sudden attack on his boat, scurries up the mast, and-- having never actually SEEN what was smashing up his boat-- blows his own brains out. Sheesh, that seems awfully rash even for a giant snake attack. Maybe he didn't have insurance.

J-Lo, meanwhile, is quite safe in a hotel "Deep in the Amazon" where they don't take American Express. Her associate, Professor Cale barges into her room wearing the Great White Hunter khaki off-the-rack-special with an exceptional number of REALLY strange wet stains all over which he jokingly shrugs off as "an attack of piranhas." J-Lo wisely doesn't press any farther into the issue because none of us really want to know the truth. Cale's managed to talk with his sources, and he thinks they may have actually found the location of a missing tribe of folks somewhere near a tributary of the Amazon. In a particularly awkward exposition scene, we learn that J-Lo is a mild-mannered (and HOT) director for National Geographic. Together with her ace photographer Ice Cube (veteran of such masterpieces as xXx: State of the Union and John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars), village idiot Owen Wilson (who should be shot for his participation in The Big Bounce), and their leggy production manager played by the yummy Kari Wuhrer, their quest is to hunt down this lost civilization and exploit them without pity.

Naturally for a mission this dangerous and vital, it's important that they hire a ship of dangerous madmen, so they contract a grimy South American dude who openly leers creepily at all the women (Captain Deadmeat) and some kind of wealthy British upper-class twit named Mr. Westridge who does everything he can to make himself a stereotype who will die in a most crunchy way, like complaining about the mosquitoes and the heat, interrupting people at every turn, shouting at the locals in very loud, very slow English as if that helps them understand him, demanding that other people carry his bags, and saying the word "bloody" a lot. Because British people say that a lot. I'm not sure what the hell his role on the boat is, but he seems to have some kind of business connection with J-Lo's show, so I'm assuming he's some kind of producer. I can't even be sure of this because he says he's seen some of J-Lo's short films and has to search for a full 3 seconds for a diplomatic adjective to describe them. He finally comes up with "they were..........very promising!" when he really wanted to say "enormous steaming heaps of rhinoceros shit." It turns out he's actually the host of the documentary, but it doesn't really matter because he may as well be shouting "I'm a total wanker! Eat me giant snake!" on a bullhorn while teabagging the Queen of England on the deck. He's THAT dead in a few minutes.

Owen Wilson appears to have nothing better to do than occasionally hoist a boom mic (ironically, this is the only job he should have in Hollywood), so instead he oggles the foxy production manager who makes khaki shorts works of art. "Is it just me," Owen muses at her ass, "or does the jungle make you really, really horny?" Oh Owen, that line didn't work for me when that female motorcycle cop pulled me over, and it sure won't work for you.

A while later, the boat is stuck in a torrential rain. You know what they say, if you don't like the weather in the Amazon Jungle, wait a few minutes. Along the banks of the river, they encounter another man on a boat, calling to them for help. Ever the humanitarian, Cale orders Captain Deadmeat to pull up and let this imperiled traveler aboard.

Aaaah! Hannibal Lecter!

Oh yeah. I can't see anything wrong with this. The traveler leaps aboard the boat and introduces himself as Paul Sarone. Jon Voight reaches a low point in his career by being forced to portray a Paraguayan criminal with a hilarious accent the likes of which haven't been heard since Balkey. "Tank de lord for yew!" he shouts, "I hope I be no trubble!" Nice guy Cale does everything he can to make Sarone comfortable, unsuspecting that he might have a dark secret even though he locks eyes with Captain Deadmeat for so long it qualifies as an official soap opera glare. Clearly they recognize each other. Only Mr. Wankridge seems to notice this (in essence, he notices them noticing each other) and ponders this meaningfully over his cup of tea. This asshole actually brought a china tea set with him? A life-or-death rescue on the Amazon is happening ten feet away, and this British twat can't be bothered to interrupt his tea time. J-Lo is wandering around in the rain in her white tank top, but she appears to be wearing an elaborate series of layered, interlocking bras to prevent any possible cotton transparency! Damn her! I paid to see nippleage!!

In a concentrated effort to scare everyone aboard, Sarone sets about proving his proficiency with bladed weapons and pointed sticks by spearing a fish out of the river, and hacking it up in front of a very nervous-looking Owen Wilson. "Ah started out stoodying fir da preesthood," Sarone explains, "But ah wanted tu see da wurld, chu know?"

"Tell me," Mr. Wankridge wanks," what exactly does a failed priest do in the jungle?" Oh that's good, dude, snark away at his religion and his life. He's only got a machete, and nobody would weep to see this guy cut into chum for the ANACONDA.

"Fail? Who says I fail?" Sarone asks like he's in Taxi Driver saying "you talkin' to me?"

"So what is your calling now?" Cale asks, before Wankridge says anything else that would make Sarone throw that machete through his head.

"Snakes," replies Sarone. "Aie catch dem. For collectors."

"Poaching?" J-Lo whines.

"Poaching ees eeleegal." Sarone says noncommittally, rolling his eyes as he shuts the bitch up. Seriously guys, stop accusing this guy of shit, drop him off in town, and maybe he won't skin you alive and make voodoo ornaments out of your genitals. Sarone mentions that he's seen the lost civilization "De peeple uf de meests" that the crew is looking for, and can show them where he saw them. Cale nearly freaks out in joy, but plays it cool and decides to follow Serons'e directions. Cale is a nice guy, but more naive than a Mormon girl at a frat mixer. Wankridge doesn't like the idea (but he doesn't like anything) and whines something British like "waah waah what does this Paraguayan maniac know; I have a tiny penis and it bloody buggering bothers me." Wankridge punctuates his argument by sipping a glass of brandy from a crystal glass. This dickhead actually brought brandy and crystalware with him on an Amazon cruise? This guy is such a walking stereotype the U.K. should sue for defamation of character.

Let's see...later that night...Legs the hot production manager is dancing to rasta music...yawn...Ice Cube is smoking a cigar, nothing good there...Wait a minute! J-Lo's reading her journal in a white tank top and you can see pokey nipples!

GOAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!

I pop a stock just thinking about it.

I know, I know. It's childish, but that's what all those millions of Americans paid to see. Cale goes for the sensitive route by pointing out some fireflies to J-Lo and spouting off a ridiculous amount of factual minutae he scammed from Encarta on his laptop a few seconds ago. Believe it or not, that corny crap actually works, and J-Lo is putty in Cale's pasty hands. Oh puke. Elsewhere in the jungle, the Anaconda eats a jaguar because we haven't seen it in a while and we, the audience, are so stupid that we need to be reminded that the Anaconda is really really big and scary. Ironically enough, the scene has grim parallels with Danny Trejo's scene, because the jaguar scampers up a tree, gives up, and shoots itself in the head before the Anaconda can eat it.

The next morning, everyone's slacking around on deck. Ice Cube is listening to his radio, biting his knuckles in a desperate attempt to keep from exploding into profanities like he does in every movie. Owen Wilson is still trying to send his "shaggy teddy bear" vibe over to Legs by sitting close and trying to name a single movie he's been good in. "Shanghai Noon? No...The Big Bounce? Damnit, no...Oh, I know, Behind Enemy Lines! Ugh, that was shit..." Wankridge has taken up 90% of the deck by erecting a net and practicing his golf swing off the end of the ship. Yes, not only has he brought a china tea set, crystalware, tea, and brandy, he's brought his clubs and a practice net. Hell, he's even got really stupid golfer pants. Crom, I have never prayed to you before, but if you can hear me, PLEASE KILL THIS MAN.

Comeuppance kill.

It turns out that Wankridge also sucks at golf, and he manages to miss the net completely. Hard to do since he's so close to the net he'd almost have to drive it backwards to miss. The damn wanker turns angrily towards Cube and spins the volume knob of his radio down. Sure Wanky, blame it on Dr. Dre. Ice Cube responds by shooting the British git in the balls and throwing him overboard to let the piranhas chew on his shredded scrotum. Actually he just turns and shouts, causing Wankridge to shrink away, pale and afraid that a large black man just threatened him. Good for you, Cube. Wankridge looks around and sees that Legs and even Owen-fricking-Wilson are rolling their eyes at him, so he decides he needs to reclaim his manhood. He storms back over to the radio and reaches for the volume again. Cube bitch slaps his hand away.

Token Black Guy!
Place your bets
on survival odds!

"I could cheerfully hire someone to kill you." Wankridge threatens, quite seriously. Cube has a golden look on his face about as incredulous as an athletic black dude gets when threatened by a 90 lbs. British jagoff with a graphite club. How stupid IS this guy?

"I could just kill you right now for free," Cube says with more cred than Wankster could ever hope to scrounge up.

"You and whose army?" Wankintosh mutters, as if he had the backing of Her Majesty's Armed Forces at his beck and call.

"Yo mama's!" Cube shouts. OOHHHHHHH!!! Oh no he didn't! Oh no he didn't! He just busted out "yo mama!" End of fight! Ring the bell! Cube by TKO in the first!

Later that night, Legs and Owen go out to "get some wild sounds" on tape. I'll bet you are. They traipse off together, where Legs jumps his bones. I guess she liked Starsky & Hutch or something. Continuity is all over the place, because Legs' blouse keeps jumping around from shot to shot. But in a rare display of intelligence, Legs notes that the jungle sounds around them have stopped, and that Something Bad must be happening. Sure enough, something crashes off in the dark and the two make a break for the camp, Legs jiggling her second- and third-best assets the whole way. They run straight into Sarone, who has a rifle primed and ready, then he shoots!

Everyone back at camp hears the shot. J-Lo runs into Cale and asks stupidly "What was that?" It was a church bell, you dumb bitch. The hell do you think it was? But Cale doesn't know what it was either. Evidently the capacity to recognize the sound of a rifle report is beyond these two. Sarone appears back at the camp, dragging a Legs and a wild bore behind him. Oh, he's got a dead pig, too. False alarm! No Anaconda yet! That was a really good plot twist when I saw it in Predator.

De women.
How much for de women?

They keep sailing the next morning, when suddenly the boat grinds to a complete halt. Like the plot. Cale volunteers to go cut the boat loose, but Sarone doesn't seem to think Cale's capable of doing anything more challenging than making toast. "Mebbe I should do eet. Dees reever can keel you a hondred ways," he says. Cale says that the only thing he's worried about are those little fish that swim up into your urethra and take up residency in your dick. Needless to say, the whole crew is thrilled to hear about this 4 days into the trip. While Cale jumps in the river to detach the boat from its obstruction, J-Lo suddenly notices that Sarone is looking at her like he wants to eat her liver with some fava beans and a chilled Chianti. Check it out.

Cale starts choking underwater. Cube hauls him aboard and they discover that Cale has rather stupidly stuck a poisonous wasp in his mouth somehow, and it's messed him up. But Sarone like the stout, ballsy Paraguayan badass that he is calmly whips out his knife and gives Cale a tracheotomy on the spot. Sarone says that they should get Cale to a hospital as soon as possible, and that they should take the much faster shortcut that he knows. Hmmm hmmm haa ha ha hahahahaha!!!

J-Lo doesn't like it, and neither does anybody else, but without Cale they have the combined IQ of a dustbunny so J-Lo just surrenders and hopes Sarone knows what he's doing. Shortly after taking this new route, they run into a wall. J-Lo's understandably a little pissed off, but Sarone shrugs and tries to cool everyone down by saying he'll take care of it. He then opens up his satchel and produces a sack full of dynamite.

"Hey, is that real dynamite?" Owen asks. No, it's fake dynamite. He uses it to scare the wall to death, you idiot.

J-Lo starts whining again. "But that wall was put there for a reason!"

"Yup," Sarone responds, with saintlike patience, "To keep us out."

"You're talking about disrupting the ecological balance of this river," J-Lo scolds him. Yeah Jenny, that wall has always been a part of the Amazon River. It grew there naturally and blowing it up would disrupt the natural order of God's plan. Dumbass.

Sarone tells her to shut her trap unless they want to lose two days turning around, so she does. I like Jon Voight in this movie more and more, even if he does have a really funny accent. Sarone blows up the barrier, spraying live snakes all over the boat. Naturally, everyone American freaks out like you'd expect, so Sarone just scoops them up barehanded and tosses them overboard. He's the man! He even takes his sweet time saving Wankridge when a baby snake bites his index finger, letting the British twat squirm a while.

The ethnic guy buys it? No way!

They journey farther down the river, when they spot another boat moored near the shore. Nobody looks home, so Sarone, Cube, and Captain Deadmeat decide to go aboard and scavenge it for fuel. They don't find any, but it provides plenty of opportunity for false suspense as they creep around a creaky dark place while Sarone jumps out at people for no reason, looking creepy. Sarone finds some kind of metal locker of stuff that he calls "treasures" and enlists Cube's help in lugging it back. Captain Deadmeat lags behind and falls off the boat. It's like firing off a signal flare to an aquatic monster, isn't it? Sure enough, the Anaconda jumps all over him, crunches him into cornmeal, breaks his neck, and gulps him down.

The rest of the crew wonders where Deadmeat ran off to, so J-Lo tells Sarone to go back and look for him. Sarone gives her an amused "Yeah, OR...I could stay here where there's no giant snake." He shows them a 30 foot Anaconda skin and tells them that the skin is three or four years old, so whatever made that is even bigger now, and it's chomping on Deadmeat.

"Ees worth a lotta monee," Sarone grins. J-Lo's halfway into a self-righteous Captain Janeway "I'm responsible for the lives of everyone on this ship" diatribe when Sarone just puts his hands up like a stoner bum and repels any criticism away with a "Hey, it's cool!" expression. "Don't make me out a monster! I didn't eat him!" J-Lo proves to be incredibly stupid by putting her foot down and declaring that they're staying the night until Deadmeat comes back. Good lord, Jennifer, no wonder Ben dumped your ass. Naturally, Deadmeat doesn't come back, but the crew lucks out when the Anaconda's too busy digesting him to come back and attack tonight.

J-Lo wakes up the next morning to Sarone's shit-eating grin. He was right, she was wrong. So they move along. Sarone's having a grand old time. He even shoots a monkey! Oh he says he's using it as bait, but shooting monkeys looks fun! J-Lo is horrified at this blatant display of monkeycide. Evidently nobody on the boat finds the act of shooting a monkey with a rifle as hilarious as I do. Probably a healthy thing. Anyway she declares that Sarone's days of leading them into monkey massacres are over, and that she's taking charge. But Sarone's not fooled by the rocks that she's got, she's still she's still Jenny from the block. And J-Lo is about as intimidating as Hello Kitty, so Sarone asserts his control over the boat once more. Owen throws his lot in with the mad Paraguayan, because he wants to shoot monkeys too. Owen says that Sarone's the only guy who knows anything down here, and-- nuts though he may be-- he'd rather side with the skilled guide and hunter who knows how to capture a giant Anaconda than entrust his safety to the "gobble-gobble" chick from Gigli. Would you?

The crew is torn. Owen's looking for monkeys to blow away. Wankridge doesn't like Sarone but is willing to do anything to keep mommy and daddy from fighting. Cube wants to stomp on Sarone thug-style, and pitch Owen's carcass over the side. Legs is shocked that Owen is being such a jerk-- and really, why should she be? He'd have said anything to get Kari Wuhrer in the sack, and now that he has, what's the point of talking to her like a human being? You're with me, right guys? Guys?

I'd bang her so hard,
she'd get blown into a parallel earth like on Sliders!

Cube makes a move like he's going to bust some heads, so Sarone quickdraws a pistol and puts an end to that little plan. With the mutiny crushed, Sarone confidently resumes the cruise. He slaps the monkey on a hook, throws it in the water, and goes Anaconda fishin'. Monkey fishing? This guy is the coolest vacation guide ever!! Maybe I was wrong about this movie; how can you not like a movie that invents the sport of monkey fishing? If I had enough money, I'd pay almost any amount for the privilege to go to the Amazon, shoot monkeys, and use them as bait to catch huge snakes! Awww man this is awesome! Can I get a "hell yeah" to monkey fishing?

HELL YEAH!!!

Sure enough, the monkey works like a charm! The Anaconda bites down on the bait and gets hooked by a cable to the boat. The Anaconda thrashes around mightily and proves tough for even Sarone to battle. It takes an immediate dislike to Wankridge (like everyone does) and trips him with his tail. It then gets face-to-face with him and spits the dead monkey in his face!!! Brilliant! Sarone manages to get a clean shot at the Anaconda when it chases J-Lo and shoots it in the mouth with his snake tranquilizer dart from a crossbow. Where can I get these wonderful toys? Strangely, the tranquilizer seems about as effective as the U.N. on American foreign policy, and the Anaconda is completely undeterred! It knocks Legs into the water, but Owen decides that he might get laid again if he saves her life and jumps in after her. Sadly, Owen is caught by the Anaconda and screws him up worse than Tara Reid's boob job. This is where we see Jennifer Lopez and Kari Wuhrer turn their acting ability up to their ultra-maximums...which is at about the level one looks for in an extra to a Godzilla movie.

Here's two titans of acting, right here...

Legs doesn't take Owen's death too well, which really would be a downer for the party I'd be throwing on the deck. On the plus side, the experience of having sex with Owen Wilson might be the catalyst towards Legs turning to lesbianism on the boat and having sex with Jennifer. But...that's just wishful thinking.

Sarone looks about as happy as I am that Owen's dead, and he orders Wankridge to take his stuff up to the pilothouse. Wankridge continues to assert that he has balls, and tries to stand up to Sarone, but he gets wuss-slapped into submission. Literally. Cube's wisely staying quiet and thinking of a plan to get out of this. It also marks a full hour into the movie, and Ice Cube hasn't uttered a profanity yet. This has to break some kind of record.

J-Lo tries for a seduction ploy on Sarone, but he doesn't fall for it at first. He trains his gun on Cube coming up from behind, but he doesn't count on Wanktard sneaking up and clubbing him in the head with his 9-iron. Wankster flexes and postures like he just knocked out Foreman when he really just whacked a guy from behind. They tie Sarone up and J-Lo gloats over him. "I can catch a snake too," she says so woodenly I got splinters when she said the line.

"You can't survive out here without me," Sarone grins, speaking the absolute truth. The boat chugs along for about 10 minutes before they run aground against some shallows in the river. Man it must be awesome to be Sarone, always being right. Most of them get off the boat to clear the path, including Wankintosh.

"I'd rather thought I'd done my part," he whines, "I spent the better part of last night picking leeches off my scrotum." Okay bro, two things: I did not need to know about your scrotum, and secondly, you were never in the water, so how did leeches latch onto your balls anyway? Legs stays behind, and once the others are gone, she comes after Sarone with a knife in an attempt to seek revenge for Owen. Sarone throws his legs up and catches her around the neck, breaking her neck with the power of his thighs! He's the coolest! Sarone grabs the knife and gets to work cutting the ropes.

Cube sees the Anaconda in the water and warns everyone back to the boat, but the giant snake is already chasing J-Lo. It likes big butts, and it cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung! The Anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun. So Cosmo says she's fat? Wanky ain't down with that. Baby got back! He shouts and diverts the Anaconda's attention, and in the confusion, a giant tree falls atop the boat, sending everyone scattering. Fortunately, the Anaconda manages to keep track of Wankenstein and squishes him at last.

I hate when movies build up annoying-as-fuck,
dead-meat characters.
But he IS out of the movie, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

The Anaconda wraps around Cube and tries to make him into crushed Ice, so to speak. J-Lo scurries aboard, scoops up the rifle, and shoots the Anaconda in the head several times. This drives the snake away, but Sarone attacks, angry that Jenny just killed his snake. Cale comes out of nowhere and stabs Sarone in the back with a tranquilizer dart. Sarone's as surprised as I am, because I'd forgotten about him completely. Sarone falls in the water and Cale drops too; he's still not 100% from the trach job. Cube notes that the dart fell out of Sarone's back when he sank into the water...but does that really matter? Hasn't he taken enough tranq juice to kill Motley Crue? Anyway, I think that qualifies as FORESHADOWING.

Cube and J-Lo continue doggedly on, and come across some kind of warehouse along the river, and decide that there must be fuel there, so they disembark. Sarone sneaks up behind them and clubs them both senseless with his rifle. Huh. That didn't take long. Have I mentioned that everyone in this movie is really quite stupid? Sarone ties them up and douses them both with liberal amounts of monkey blood. Really! We see him fill a bucket with dead monkey juice. Say what you like about this guy being a murdering madman, this would be the most exciting vacation ever. Cube activates his Q-Watch, buzzsaws the ropes off, whips out twin Desert Eagles, and blows Sarone away!

Or...not. Give me a break, xXx: State of the Union was really dumb.

The Anaconda shows up, and Sarone's plan of using the others as bait doesn't really work. It ends up squishing and devouring Sarone whole, like a Conehead eats a Subway sammich. What I don't understand is why the Anaconda bears no wounds from the fight previously, where Jennifer shot it three or more times in the head. It's as if it was never shot. Is this the same Anaconda or a different Anaconda? Does the director even care? Does anyone? J-Lo and Cube free themselves and run, but get separated. The Anaconda chases J-Lo down, hisses at her, and then regurgitates a goo-covered Jon Voight all over the floor! How fun do you think this must have been to shoot on film?

Cover your nose when you sneeze!

Oddly, the puked-out Sarone looks at J-Lo and winks at her. What in the hell? Pull the movie over! What in the name of Boa vs. Python was that? J-Lo climbs up a ladder towards the top of a smokestack, hoping to distract the Anaconda while Cube finds a way to kill it. He decides to use the barrels of fuel in the warehouse to blow it up, because that's the only way to kill giant monstrous animals. J-Lo slips and falls several feet before barely catching herself, because climbing a ladder is really fucking hard. Cube finally blows up the building while they flee, but all this manages to do is set the snake on fire, further pissing it off. So if a giant snake wasn't one of your worst nightmares, I'm willing to bet a GIANT FLAMING PISSED-OFF SNAKE is. C'mon, big snake? Yawn. BIG FLAMING SNAKE? Scary shit! Cube finishes the creature off with a few well-placed mining pick blows to its head and gives it a thuggin' "Bitch" before it sinks to the bottom of the river. Who says the black guy always gets killed?

With the monster dead, they keep moving down the river, where they finally discover the lost culture they were looking for. Cube gets the camera and starts rolling film, as if there's any chance in Hell this documentary could possibly be saved after a giant snake ate three-quarters of the film crew and the show's host. What's funnier is that the natives look really damn displeased at seeing them, probably because Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube just blew up their god and called it a bitch as it sank to its watery grave. Maybe they'll be able to find something else deadly and indiscriminate to worship as it kills them, like malaria.

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