Bloodrayne Comic

The Spoony One | Jan 19 2009 | more notation(s) | 
Bloodrayne Comic Book

A Review by Noah Antwiler

Among the many extras on the DVD of Bloodrayne 2 (by far one of the most anticipated movies of the year), aside form the usual bevvy of deleted scenes and director's commentary, were two unique items I'd never seen before on a DVD: a second disc containing the PC version of the original Boobrayne game, and along with the movie, a complete scanned Boobrayne comic. I was excited to see this, because even though I'm a comic book fan I've never bothered collecting this series. I'm uh, waiting for the trade paperbacks. Yeah, that's it. I was too busy thumbing through copies of Dark Xena, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, and Tarot to notice poor old Bloodrayne. But hey, you have to figure that if they want to push the comic book they're going to put the best one on the DVD, right? It only makes sense.

The sad thing is, they probably did.

Let's not kid ourselves: the only reason those comics exist is pure, unadulterated fanservice. It's chicks in tight leather with massive, biologically- and gravitationally-dubious boobs kicking people in the head. You'd think Boobrayne would fit this bill spectacularly, being exactly this kind of character with the added benefit of being a sexually-promiscuous bisexual vampire who takes carnal pleasure in forcibly victimizing other creatures of the night. That's not my spin on it. She really is an immortal vampiric nymphomaniac who dry-humps other chicks while sucking on their necks. You might as well call this comic Tits & Blood and still be true to the premise.

Alas, even as a pure fanservice comic, Bloodrayne fails miserably for a number of reasons: the art is terrible, it's lacking any sort of graphic sexual situations, and the story is absolutely batshit insane. So there's no sex, no tits, and even if there were the art sucks anyway. It relies purely on the good old-fashioned ultraviolence, a focus that gravely misreads the interests of the average Boobrayne fan. If there are any. They wanted $3.99 for this thing! But hey, don't take my word for it. I'll walk you through the comic and you can see for yourself!

The title of this comic is "Tibetan Heights," so naturally it opens with our disguised heroes (yes, plural) approaching the Dalai Lama's palace in Tibet, 65 years ago before the current Lama started living in exile. Rayne immediately starts whining to her mentor, another leather-clad Tibetan hottie disconcertingly named Mynce, about why in the hell they're infitrating the Dalai Lama's palace. Mynce shooshes her and admits even she doesn't really know what they're doing here, just checking up on a rumor she heard. "Remind me who is the master and who's the apprentice here!" Mynce scolds her. (Yeah, they've got one of those relationships.) "This is a reconnaissance mission!" Anyway, she tells Rayne to shut her trap before she gets them both killed. Because those Tibetan Buddhist monks will kill you as soon as look at you.

That's exactly when a palace-load of maniacal Tibetan Vampire Monks start pouring out of their cloisters to teach them the Noble Eightfold Path...of PAIN!

You might expect Rayne and Mynce (what is this author's obsession with their unnecessary use of the letter Y in people's names?), who are both armed with swords, to start chopping the monks into fishbait. But remember, these are Vampire Monks, and if there's one thing you don't do in Dungeons & Dragons, it's piss a monk off. Passive resistance only goes so far before they will officially decide to wreck your shit, Bodhisattva-style. Karma's a bitch!

Rayne quickly gets overwhelmed by the monks superior fighting technique and it's not long before their leader has her immobilized with the deadliest hold in all of martial arts:

The Masterlock!

Yeah, thanks for that tactical advice, Patton. "Get away from them, stupid!"

Mynce bails her out with a well-placed thrown sword (because we all know there's no way that anyone, dhampir or not, is breaking that full-nelson!) and the heroes decide to retreat to lick their wounds and process what in the hell they just saw. There's a lengthy section of exposition where Mynce finally explains who she is and what she believes in, but it's all a bunch of meaningless backstory about a character you don't care about in a section with a depressing lack of lesbian sexual acts, so if you're like me at all you'd have skipped it completely.

Mynce explains that the rumors she heard (from who??) are true. I'll just let her explain it.

BUDDHISM DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

It's taken a cult of Tibetan vampires a century to slowly infiltrate the Dalai Lama's "inner circle" so they can make a power play, murder the Lama, and install their own Vampire as the new Lama and rule all of Tibet. Seriously, that's the plan. Why would they need to bother with secrecy and spend years earning trust with the Dalai Lama? They're vampires. Can't they just, you know, bite the other monks and turn them all into vampires too? Somehow I doubt the Lama is going to be expecting a vampiric assault or be in any position to defend against it. You must admit that this plan was foolproof, though. Nobody could ever have suspected an infestation of vampires with the numerous daily deaths of the local peasantry by exsanguination and an entire community of monks forced to operate only after sundown who suddenly feared running water.

Rayne, ever the detective, poses a very important question:

Credibility's never stopped the Republican party.

Mynce formulates a plan: sneak back into the palace through the sewers and kill everybody. Nobody said it was elegant. While they're poking around down there, they stumble upon the palace larder, where most of the monks who resisted the vampiric coup have been held as prisoner to satisfy their captors' demonic thirsts! They're both stunned to learn that one of the survivors is none other than the deposed Dalai Lama himself. Mynce hatches a new idea: recruit the monks as shock troops to battle the vampires.

Oh wait, this gets better. Mynce had the foresight to carry a giant duffel bag filled with automatic weapons, which she gives to the monks to use against the vampires. Lock and load, baby. Someone, give the Dalai Lama a gat!

Faced with this indisputable logic, the Dalai Lama can't help but get strapped and orders the other monks to officially screw their lifelong commitments to peace and the sanctity of life. After all, they're not alive, are they? Hell, even Jesus would kick the shit out of a vampire.

Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A-Team.

While the Buddhists storm the front gates, Mynce opens up her second duffel bag of treats, produces a flamethrower and starts putting the torch to the palce. Where did she get these wonderful toys? But that's exactly when the Demonic Vampire Dalai Lama comes up behind her and immediately kicks her ass, sinking his fangs into her throat. Oh the humanity!

But luckily, Rayne arrives just in time to save Mynce's bacon by superkicking the Dalai Lama in the face and unloading a clip into his body.

I got your Four Noble Truths right here.

And that, my friends, is why the Tibetan government forced the Dalai Lama into exile. They were all a bunch of filthy vampire bastards!

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