Counter Monkey – Never Get On the Boat

The Spoony One | Sep 2 2012 | more notation(s) | 

Absolutely goddamn right.

  • Robert Cousineau

    Spoony you are 100% right. I own a book called Naval Adventures for 3.5 which has all of the rules you spoke of as well as Gargantuan Sharks. But the best part of Broadsides! Naval Adventures is that it includes a prestige class called The Harpooner that gets a BONUS to attack and ability to INSTANT KILL Aquatic creatures. Seriously, if you have a Harpooner your party should no longer be afraid to get on the boat. Check that book out.

  • Medraut Stowe

    Am I the only one who the video locks up at 3:21 for? I can’t even seem to skip past that point no matter how many times I refresh.

    • Kaleb Moser

      It was locking up for me as well but it seems to be working fine after I reloaded the page.

    • Oliver Lucas

      I can’t even see the player. It just says “Springboard” and some squares lighting up one after another…

  • Matti Saarenketo

    can’t get the video to load after 01:09. I tried skipping ahead but it only plays a couple of seconds. and stops. I know it isn’t a problem on your end (the site which hosts the video is to blame).

  • Lenne Shuyin

    ya, it locks up no matter what

  • Per Nordstrand

    awesome more Counter-monkey always look forward to these.

  • antiquarius

    Spoony I love every piece of “real” content – But not with that player. Im using two PCs, chrome & firefox and sometimes it works – But more often it doesnt.

    Not your fault I know, but still annoying.

  •årten-Sorby/100001785165447 Mårten Sorby

    The first time I got on a boat in a PNP it wasn’t in D&D, but a homebrew. Our DM decided to throw some Pirates of the Caribbean shit on us (we were fairly new to PNP at the time) with zombie pirates attacking our boat.

    So my buddy the pyromaniac firemage set their whole fucking boat on fire… After I had counter-boarded. Suddenly I’m fighting pirates on a boat that’s on fire. Shit. Alas outmatched, I ripped a burning plank out of the floor and ran below deck and shoved it into the gunpowder stores, blowing the whole boat to kingdom come.

    Yeah, seriously. -Never- get on the boat.

    On the subject of giant squids, our current DM briefly took a break from his scythe-fetish to attack us with a giant subterreanean squid recently. So I stabbed it in the eye! TWICE!

    Spoony’s got it right – fighting a giant squid with a spear is -exactly- the reason why I rolled a Fighter to begin with.

    Knowing what kind of monsters live underwater IN REALITY ( the possibilities for DM-created underwater monsters are absolutely endless, wonderful and -horrific-.

  • DarkIron112

    I miss these so much. I love them, post more! It’s Noah being Noah. And that’s the best kind.

  • Kaleb Moser

    Yeah everyone wants to have something like Ultros in their game.

    Warhammer FRP 2nd edition is terrifying because of the drowning rules. Wearing any sort of armor makes it deadly to go near any body of water.

    Having guards on duty won’t help if there are bog octopi just waiting to pull everyone in the water. And even if you do have guards none of them will want to wear their armor.

    A trip down a lazy river is more deadly then fighting a horde of greenskins.

  • Stacy Galler

    Oreo again steals the show! Half the time she’s looking in the camera like “You’re going away soon, right? I want my daddy back.” LOL.

    It’s a lot of fun to see you all excited about this stuff. You spend so much of your other stuff ranting and raving and all pissy, and that’s certainly entertaining, but it’s really great to see you excited in a good way. More Counter Monkey!

  • BrendanConcannon

    Noah, you’re Irish and you don’t know what a selkie is?
    They’re mermaids in seal skins. I don’t understand why they’d be in a monster manual though, because they’re not exactly focused around combat.

    • Robert Cousineau

      That is an AD&D book, specifically the Second Edition MM. Quite a lot of Monster Manuel’s had known fairytale monsters in them, for instance there are lots of types of Hag’s and Annis. Also its worth noting that while a lot of monsters are meant to be fought not all of them in the book are. There are a few that are not aggressive or that will even aid players.

  • Jannick Hegelund Hverkeltoft

    Lizardfolk are often not aquatic, but live in Marsh environments. And i could quite easily fit Kuo:toa or Locathah into my campaign. Though big squids, sharks and of course the KRAKEN would be tempting to unleash on whoever was in my campaign if they were on a boat.

    great video btw, aways looking forward to Counter Monkey reviews.

  • alldreamsfalldown

    Jesse! NOOO!

  • faeyr

    No problem with the video player here, and always great to see another counter-monkey. As a DM, I tended to use the shipwreck plot-railroad at least once a campaign if I wanted to spice things up and get the party to a new exotic locale…..and yes, it has everything to do with Final Fantasy VI being my all-time favorite game.

  • Abby Root

    What about Gamera, who is really neat and full of turtle meat!!!

  • Alex Stockwell

    When you were listing aquatic monsters, I kept saying to myself, “Sahagin…sahagin…fucking sahagin…” until you finally got to it. How many Final Fantasy games have you played, and the first thing you thought of wasn’t Sahagin?

  • PeaTearGryfin

    After watching you read through those books, I really want to right a campaign that ends in a fight with the Undead Loch Ness Monster. I have to agree with you on this one. I have been in quite a few campaigns where the DM gets excited to throw us in the water so we can fight about 5 lizardmen or a giant squid.

  • Matthew Wenke

    This is a universal problem,lol,for all players.And don’t forget Hackmaster where the monsters are just plain meaner!

    • Robert Cousineau

      I’m not sure if you have seen AD&D monsters then. First edition monsters especially are very dangerous. For instance the Aboleth is a classic DnD Monster whose attacks upon touch can force you to be unable to walk on land for atleast five hours if not much more and can forcer you to breath water only as well, both effects can easily kill you if you don’t know how it’s abilities work.

      • Matthew Wenke

        oh,trust I’m familiar with them.In Hackmaster,the monsters have more hp’s and have hardwired into their dna the desire to screw over pc’s.It was made deliberatly for that

  • Frank Gwin

    Spoony made a joke about boning his dog. I’m not sure what to say.

  • Louis Gonzales

    Oh, Oreo! You are the greatest dog ever! I mean, you put my dumb dog to shame!

  • Eric Rogotsky, MA

    Can’t you adjust monsters or make up your own? Seems like a simple solution. Then again, I know jack about table top beyond Hero Quest. XD

  • marabackman

    It’s not often one gets to use an underwater setting or make an otherwise water-themed adventure. This reminds me of a chapter I once ran in my RPG-campaign set in a steampunk-ed 1899, inspired heavily by “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”.

    This chapter took place in the underwater ruins of Atlantis, because the PCs had been kidnapped by Captain Nemo to join him on an archeological excavation. Once the players were in Atlantis I proceeded to liberally use Lovecraftian horror such as Atlanteans that had mutated into deep ones and creepy squid-statues everywhere. After teasing the players into believing it was all about eldritch horrors, they found out that the whole city was actually a giant machine built by a group of Martians from “War of the Worlds”, who had been left hibernating for several milennia by accident. Once they were now awake (because of the PCs interference) the Martians proceeded to activate the ancient machinery, which was built as a beacon to wake up the hibernating invasion fleet on Mars. So the players had landed themselves in quite a pickle, but in the end they managed to destroy Atlantis and sink it even further.

    • Alexis Royce

      That sounds incredible, like some delicious literary stew of horror and adventure.

  • Satosuke

    Tako the octopus is in D&D? Does he cook dinner for the adventurers and have constant kitchen mishaps?

    …Oh please oh please let someone else get that joke. Oh god please…

    • sbkMulletMan

      “So, how do you like your FLEEB cooked?”

      And I thought I was the only who’s seen those little cartoons.

      • Satosuke

        Deep Fried Live was actually the original inspiration for me to persue a career in cooking. I owe its creators a lot for directing me to Alton Brown’s work.

    • Juha Torvinen

      Dunno but i could kill for some takoyaki just now.

  • Doleth

    How did you skip the kraken?

  • Michael Stuart

    Always fun to hear these.

  • Denderfurger

    Counter Monkey god i love them! <3

  • Sean Barnett

    I love that you broke out a 2nd edition monster manual

  • Saphire

    Yeah, something’s up with the player – I had it buffered quite a bit, but it would only play a few seconds at a time. Tried three times. I wanted to hear the boat story, dammit!

  • sbkMulletMan

    I’ve actually been waiting for “the boat” to get its own Counter Monkey since Spoony repeatedly brought it up in previous D&D monologues. Good to see it’s finally here!

    My only time playing D&D actually began on a boat. And it was Dragonlance, so the DM was a bit creative and had flying draconian bastards swoop in on us. So right out of the gate, my D&D experience involved the DM fucking us on the boat. I even got my damn sword stuck in one of them as they died and turned to stone.

    Well, at least it beats generic fish-men.

  • Merost

    The player is broken….I have a fast connection, but it always buffers, even when I let it buffer for some minutes O_o

    According to the comments Im not the only one.

  • IHeart28

    Love these “Counter monkey” videos. This is thanks to Spoony’s briliant story telling, I really get interested the more I listen to them. Love you spoony and love Oreo too. She’s such a show-girl dog! <3

  • Christopher Fournier

    Tako is Japanese for octopus.

    • marabackman

      So that’s why it’s wielding the tools of a sushi-chef.

  • Jonesy89CFPD

    Funnily enough, the one time the GM got us near a body of water, I started freaking out while everyone, even the GM, looked at me like I had gone crazy. It probably didn’t help that I was playing a beguiler prestiging in mindbender, and was thus intimately familiar with how unpleasant mind fucking can be to the recipient, not to mention that I had done a quick skim of the Lords of Madness after my character read a book that involved aberrations and quickly stumbled across the Aboleth. We were in a swamp, but once we went through these bushes, we were in a clearing akin to the trippy moon garden from the end of Majora’s Mask in that if we tried to leave, we just reentered the clearing. The clearing featured a giant white tree next to a large body of water, the middle of which was significantly deeper; naturally, since I detected traces of aberrational magic on the tree, I promptly begin freaking out and tried to warn everyone to back away from the water. Things only got worse when some of the party members started grooving with the serene vibes emanating from the place. The crowning moment came when fish started telepathically communicating with us, telling us that there was no way out and that they had all formerly been other creatures that had stumbled upon the clearing and decided to remain as fish; the whole thing could have been out of that one Star Trek episode with the spores, and I was at this point convinced they were slaves of a nearby Aboleth meant to pull do to us the kind of mindzonking Spoony’s party almost got from the Caterpillar in Dungeonland. We eventually had to turn into fish in order to find a clue underwater that helped us escape, but I came so close to getting the entire party killed by plotting to destroy the tree, which we had been told would summon “the protectors” that it was not funny. Well, not until I started doing spot checks for Aboleths underwater every 5 seconds; then light finally dawned on the GM and he had a good laugh.

    So yeah. The one time we got near water, and it was supposed to be a peaceful noncombat encounter, yet my paranoia almost got us killed. Go figure.

    • Jonesy89CFPD

      Yet again, he got us near water (well, swamp water), and nothing happened on the raft the entire time. I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t some sort of mind game he is playing to lure us into a false sense of security, at which point he will *then* throw an aquatic monstrosity at us.

  • godmars

    Isn’t it suppose to be never get off the boat?

  • voo arad

    only19 minutes? im going to cry ;n;

  • Zachary Rogers

    Fine, don’t go on the boat Spoony. I’ll just have to flood the dungeon! Mwhahaha!

  • Eric Rogotsky, MA

    I dont DM, but there seems to be similarities between DM and Dom in BDSM. Spoony is a Dom? Someone draw him in leather whipping some people!

  • Filipe Isabelinho

    Sneaky motherfuckers! FUCK YO BOAT!

  • Angus Livingstone

    Oreo is staring into MY SOUL!!!!

  • Adell

    I went on a boat once and got eaten by a giant tortoise. Everyone else washed up on a deserted island with all their gear gone. Seriously, stay off the fucking boat.

  • sam burns

    NEW COUNTER MONKEY!!1!!one!!
    But seriously, I love these things. Very inspiring for my own games. Keep up the great work, Mr. Spoony.

  • Renaissance_nerd

    So right Spoony, if you get on the boat you will be buttfucked by anything that can swim.

  • El K

    awesome CM again =)

    which book is he flipping through first?
    Does someone know the name or isbn?
    I use a different system, but it misses out on a lot of good monster ideas and so I am looking for nice books to use as inspiration =)

    • Robert Cousineau

      Errr… The first he is looking through is the AD&D Second Edition Monster Manual, not sure about the second. But honestly if what you need is monster ideas go to your local used bookstore and see if they have a section of used RPG books, you are bound to find various monster manuals for various systems and settings.

  • sam burns

    Totally worth reading the whole thing. Good story, sir.

  • CronoT

    I know exactly what Spoony means. In the early Dragon Warrior and Final Fantasy games, the monsters with the cheapest status effect attacks were all water monsters or water-type dungeon monsters.

    They would always throw stuff like poison, paralysis, and sometimes zombie/undead at you. They also had stupid high agility, which means they dodge anything other than magic or physical attacks with high HIT stats. Cheap mothers, they are.

  • Stephen Forshaw

    Awesome video as usual. Of all my years gaming, I’m hard-pressed to recall ever being on a boat. I’ve been in a carvan that was carried away by a Roc, but no boats. It’s a death trap I’m sure!

  • ert3

    you can just tell he’s having fun, reading those DnD books, we’d play with you man.

  • Amanda Pallkvist

    Awesome as always Spoonster.

    I’m not having any problems with the player. I’m using Chrome. Started up explorer, and the shit fucked up. Firefox worked just fine. To all of you having problems, maybe try to switch browser?

    • Patrick Walters

      I got chrome too, had to disable my ad blocker like I have to do every fucking time. Fuck Springboard with AIDS. And Spoony…fucking betrayal. Why should I have to watch a god damn Honda commercial so Spoony can get 5 bucks extra.

      • Amanda Pallkvist

        I don’t really mind the commercials. I just take off my headphones and turn to my tv. Keeping in mind that I’m 15-20 seconds away from seeing 25-60 minutes of pure entertainment. I get paid when I work, why shouldn’t he? Because he’s on the internet? Maybe you like to produce quality stuff for free, but you shouldn’t judge other people for wanting some sort of payment for their work.

    • pojo

      You have make a rule to allow in your firewall settings.delete the rule when not browsing videos.

  • Jean-Francois Glaude

    Can’t watch …. The video stops to load every 5 seconds … I even paused the video for 30 minutes , came back and same thing …. I followed the instructions and deactivated the hardware acceleration thing but still , same thing

  • Stephen Martin

    Oh, Spoony, you should mess with what they expect if they get on the boat. Have the bard sing a tale of an uneventful trip on the sea where the wizard got seasick and not much else happened. And two words… redneck lizardmen.

  • Stephen Martin

    Ooo, here’s a total fake out idea. Make the universe not center around them. If they don’t get on the boat then they fight their way over land only to find the village celebrating the death of the Lich at the hands of a different group of adventurers that had taken the boat and cleared the way right before they decided not to go by boat.

  • Rothide

    If they want to use some of these underwater creatures, just make some of the dungeon flooded, or make a room that has a giant bridge. The giant squid could be lurking under the water, that way you can use the bridge to stay dry while it has to try to get at you. And be fair, if its a strong monster, that’s the only monster you face, and don’t make it a ‘chase’ monster that can grab and run.

    Even better, make your own creatures out of the creatures you want to use. Example: “Desert Lizardmen”, these creatures are like their aquatic cousins, but hide under the sands, waiting until the right time to jump from the sands and attack their prey.

  • Wade Seewald I’m a Dm and this is what I’m planning for a future game

  • HighPriestDre

    My current tt D&D party has a strict “no boat” policy. It stems more from every boat we have ever been on has sank more than any of the individual water encounters. We’ll trust shaky magical portals before we trust another boat.

  • Josh Baerg

    First time my D&D character went up to a river (first day of first ever campaign) he was mauled by a crocodile.

    • Aaron Kerr

      Sir, shame on you. The sign clearly states: “Do not feed Dire Beasts.”

  • antiquarius

    while im not a D&D player I love the Counter Monkey series because its just Spoony being Spoony. Nothing scripted, no “jokes”, just him and his oppinion.

  • Der Neger

    I love how Big S uses Counter Monkey to tell his fans stuff that pretty much every one who plays TTRPGs has learned the hard way. Most of the time all it takes is for me to read the title to make me grin and “aaaaaw shit, yeah man i know!”

    Still, its nice to hear him talk about it, just so I can hear his own examples.

  • Ian Stauffer

    where would one aquire a set of the team rocket thingies, i want one.

    • The Spoony One

      I made it.

      • Stauken Hausen

        I assume this means you are responsible for the Strago, Sabin and Shadow too? What are they actually made out of material wise?

      • Daniel Thomas Stack

        I like the FF6 characters a little better but it was great seeing them all up there.

      • dunebat

        How’d you make those? 8O

  • Patrick Walters

    God dammit, Spoony! Fuck Springboard!

  • Patrick Walters

    Cant watch a god damn thing, Spoony.

  • Patrick Walters

    How much money is Springboard giving you to torture us? HOW MUCH FUCKING MONEY, SPOONY?!

  • Patrick Walters

    Why is the fullscreen so fucking small? What the fuck Spoony?!?!?!?!?

  • Das_Bass

    Somebody told me about his friends “water world” campaign in D&D, it lasted 36 minuets for 4/6 to die and the others to back out.

  • TheCheshireOne

    Aw yeah, more CounterMonkey!
    Totally didn’t need to go to sleep anyways.

  • Patrick Walters

    anyone else getting a tiny as fullscreen picture?

    • Aaron Kerr

      No, now stop talking.

  • Carlos Alexandre

    This reminds me of a Pathfinder campaign I played. The GM put us on a raft, and my poor Goblin Monk, Sporb Onenut (he only has one testicle and looks like this: ) was impaled by some ungodly mob for half the fight.

    Though ironically, that mob was in the trees…

  • Segatron

    Step one, Get on a boat

    Step two, get shipwrecked on a Lonely Island.

    Step three, use obvious jokes and off key singing to punish the DM for the rest of the session.

    • chaosmaster

      As soon as they start hitting each other over the head with their helmets, even the most benevolent DM would pull the ‘the island is a giant dragon turtle and all of
      you fucking drown’ card.

      • Aaron Kerr

        “Rocks fall, everbody dies. ROCKS FALL EVERYBODY DIES!”

        • Segatron

          Players should have several heavy beanbags to throw at the DM for such occasions. At least on bag for every level their character just lost.

      • Segatron

        Hmmmm…. I guess I’d have to stab them in the spine.

  • Matthew Robert Beiswenger

    I will have to keep that in mind. I am doing some GMing myself and being fairly new I tent to get on the linear path too easily. In fact I am doing a scenario in a game call Top Secret/S.I. that I might just have to reset (luckily we didn’t get far) because they were complaining about the linearity.

    On another note though, you should look into it, its a bit of a dead language. It was made by the same people who made D&D before they become Wizards of the Coast. They also made a game called Dragon Quest. Both systems are a d100 system. Which I think you should at least look at. I know you have an INSANE schedule but, it won’t kill you to look at this.

    Again, nice Counter Monkey episode and I hope to see more.

  • Max Eliaser

    Video isn’t playing for me. Displays the following warning: “The file may be missing or there is a temporary connection issue.” Neither the “Retry” and “Play next” buttons do anything.

    It doesn’t seem to be a problem with the site as a whole or with my Flash setup. Your other videos seem to work fine with the new player.

  • Emil Petrunov

    You know, because of this video, I wanna Master a game with an Undead Nessy >8T

  • Pan Rysownik

    A new Counter Monkey! Just as I was about to start a new Pathfinder campaign with my group I get another CM fantasy boost from Spoony! Thanks a bunch, lad.

  • Luis Armando Granados

    love the counter monkey!! fking hate the player, the full screen doesn’t work fine!

  • Brendan Waye

    Thanks for the traumatic flashbacks Spoony.
    My old DM put us on a boat trip across that took us about 3 months to complete. The ocean threw everything it had at us, and on our last night we encountered a hurricane. We shipwrecked at our destination (lucky us) and woke on the shore to the sound of a loud roar. No less than a minute after being concious on shore, we encountered a T-rex. It swallowed our Druid and made a full retreat.
    The Druid was carrying all of our gold.

    • Aaron Kerr

      Wow, fuck your DM, sadistic bastard. What the hell did you guys do, eat his pizza?

  • Stephen Urbaniuk

    My knight character feared water…he claimed “Yeathan is there!”

  • Chuster M. Merino

    Thinking of starting in the D&D world and all I found are good advices from “Ye Olde Spoony One”. Thanks for everything, dude! :D

  • wisbutnoint

    It’s funny, to me, that you post something about this, right now. As I am in the middle of fleshing out a world for a system for a campaign that I’m making, because I’m a glutton for punishment, and I have just recently started working on water creatures and scenarios. I have a scenario where i get to unleash a krakren, but i don’t feel it’s unfair. My thinking is; if the characters use a boat to travel they’ll come across a bunch of migrating giant sea serpents. they aren’t attacking, just passing by. So they can try and go around or wait for them to pass because the crew refuses to sail into them or turn back and attacking them just makes them dive into the water. then a giant squid attacks one near the ship and the massive scale of the fight nearly sinks the vessel, as the animals are close enough for thrashing limbs to knock into it. i figure the characters can then; try to escape, attack the squid to make it go away for now and fuck with them later, or attack the sea snake to help the squid get its meal and have it leave them alone. but i wasn’t sure where to go with it if they failed hard and the ship got destroyed, but as cliche as it may be, a desert island is a great idea as a way to introduce some tribal culture that is in tune with the universe or some shit and can tell them their fortune or lead them to a magic mcguffin to push the plot forward after saving them from dieing in a fight after washing up on shore with missing equipment or introduce themselves praising the characters as heroes for killing a beast that has hunted their people for many years (maybe a giant spider). i suppose what I’m trying to say is that I’m glad to have watched this and look forward to more installments of counter monkey,

  • Juha Torvinen

    I was wondering.. How its hard to get a situation where water is close? Spoony makes it sound like it was some mission impossible.

    I mean sure that boat is safe (and obvious as hell) way to get them near water, but cant dm just use their imagination and pull something like = – a quest to sunken temple/castle, – some town which has been swallowed by marshesh, – have an event where they end up into a haunted harbor, filled with damn undead and seamonsters, – need to go into sieged castle through hidden waterway which leads through a cavetunnel near some larger lake/river..- there are quite a lot of chances to use those beasts, (If they can be used.. dunno.. im not a dm nor had chance to play dnd so dont know the exact “rules” for campaing setting). Hell.. if you are bored you can have a backstory where a damn tidal wave has swept over an ancient city, sunkin it undersea and campaing is to go and loots its treasures or kill a beast which ravages nearby lands and hides in there, but nobody has earlier followed or gone to that area because it is haunted/dangerous/chewbakkasaysso.

    Hell.. Id love to see a campaing going through haunted harbor since it can be made hard as HELL.. I mean, if you make it a big harbor city which has canals and shit, you can literally fill it to the brim with any sea, land, and undead creatures, make the last area of that place filled with beasts of hell so that they are the actual cause for the city turning into such place. Safe point changing can be just made a switch between day and night or cleaning a haunted inn and turn it into safehaven with daily limited stockpile of usable goods which return there because the whole damn place is stuck in a damn time looping limbo.. Im just pulling this out from my ass.

    If someone is a dnd player/dm and got a new ideas from that weird scribble of mine, feel free to use and im actually glad if someone got the ingredients for bullying players..

    • Aaron Kerr

      Yes, YES! May I play D&D with you, you have imagination. What’s so hard about having a road pass alongside a river. Sahuagin live in rivers, tadah! Marshes, calderas, underground pools, there are ways to do this.

    • Robert Cousineau

      A point you have. Spoony does make it sound much harder to get people near water then it actually is. While most “savvy” groups will instinctively avoid water, it could really be anywhere. In caves, on land, in other dimensions. You don’t just have to be on a boat, though that’s the easiest/cliche way to bust out such monsters.

  • Benjamin Salario

    A Selkie is an mermaid-like creature who on land looks like the most beautiful woman. But has a seal-skin cloth so she can turn in to a seal and return to the sea. In all legends some poor sob steals the cloth so she can’t go back and forces her to marry him. Only to be abandoned a when she manages to get it back. They are mostly found on the west coast of Britain.

  • CaptainDingaling

    I wish he stopped calling these “counter monkey” and renamed it “Spoony’s RPG Tales” or something like that because it stopped being about stuff that happened to him being a store clerk a looooooooooong time ago.

  • Cody Ward

    Goddamn it’s good to see a new Counter Monkey! :D

  • Conor Naylor

    I’d probably attribute the fact my group plays AD&D partially to you, Spoony one.
    I made an aquatic encounter table when we started.
    It hasn’t been used once. Proof’s in the pudding, I guess.

  • MrRuse

    River encounter? Easy.

    Step 1: Get everyone insulated boots in advance.
    Step 2: Make sure that as many fishmen and as little allies are in the water.
    Step 4: Fishsticks for dinner.

    • nuclearaptor

      I like your style, kid.


  • SunOvaGun

    Whats worse then being attacked by water monsters on the boat, when your DM surprises you by making you curious as to what all the noise is below deck and it turns out the ship your on is hauling a zoo of magical beast and they of coarse have all gotten lose and now you opened the only door holding them below deck in cargo. Worst encounter ever cause you have literally nowhere to retreat to cause your in the middle of the damn sea.

  • Adam Stackenland

    I’m new with roll playing and I love the game it’s great and now I know what the DM has in mind if he ever bring up a bot. Thanks Spoony, awesome CM story as always

  • Nicholas Dawe

    Hey Spoony whilst I can never complain about another counter monkey the timing on this on is terrible, you posted it not long AFTER our party got on a boat and had a battle with giant sharks…mind you it’s a heavily armed Ebberon magitech boat piloted by a group of Dwarves. Which our cheap ass Avenger insisted on trying to haggle with

  • Moritz Lorey

    where can i get these awesome 8-bit style figures in the background??

  • Amy Hardigree

    I would give my right arm to play DnD with Spoony, that would be sooo much fun!

    • valou999

      I know, right?! I never played D&D in my life, but damn, if I ever had to play just once it would have to be with Spoony DMing the game! I loved listening to the Pathfinder sessions because that’s the closest thing to doing just that.

  • yamina-chan

    It’s great to see a new Counter Monkey Video =D (And one with so many funny little details in it that aren’t even part of the advice on top of that XD)
    Thanks ^^

  • Flad Ven

    knifes and stabbing weapons …something about he said it cracked me up :)

  • orbi

    Every time.

    Every goddamn time.

    “hurr a kraken attacks your boat and sinks it and all your gold and valuables on it.”

    Happens without fail, and the GM will always have the smuggest, douchiest grin on his face while doing it.

    • Jim Thorpe

      lol you guys have really shitty GMs.

  • Michael Sporzynski

    I find it interesting how often the Counter Monkey stories have comments like “I never played D&D, but…”. You guys do realise it’s not that difficult to give the game a try, AND that it can be a lot of fun and a completely different experience depending on how you go about it and who you play with?

    I’m honestly curious why people seem rather hesitant to try it. Worst case scenario, it’s 3-6 hours of your life (because your first session will definitely not be any longer than that) for something you decide is not for you. Best case scenario – you take up a new, fun hobby.

    If anything, the CM videos should work as an incentive for new people to try RPG (not necessarily D&D), because honestly? Much of what Spoony says is quite obvious to those of us who have played or GMed for a while.

    • Dan Schuett

      I think the hesitance comes more from the social aspect. It’s hard for some people to just throw themselves into a new social activity. That’s been my experience anyway when trying to get people to try it out, they just aren’t comfortable getting involved in something that demands interacting with others when they’re the odd person out. I’ve been playing for nearly 10 years and it’s still a problem for me.

      • Michael Sporzynski

        You know, that actually makes a lot of sense. Guess I never really considered that, since I first started playing RPGs with like-minded people. I guess jumping into the hobby as a newbie might be kinda stressful.

        Still worth it, in my opinion, but… yeah, your comment answers my question. Thanks =)

        • jaap rutten

          It took me over a year to finally get a session off the ground because I didn’t know anybody who already played. It’s been worth it and there are now at least 3 games going on that spawned off people who liked my campaign (that lasted only 4 sessions) enough to start their own. You really just need a start to get the chain reaction going. DnD and other RPGs can be a lot of fun so I’m glad I did. But getting 4 people to read through enough of the player handbook to get what was going on, getting them to make characters and learning how to DM from scratch all at once are daunting tasks.

  • Knifegash

    Wow, I remember you being so protective of that origami unicorn, and it just clatters to the ground without a batted eye!

  • peteman

    This is why any campaigns I have that have an aquatic theme are explicitly aquatic. No pretense, the coastal villages are being raided by undersea monsters, and people are offering rewards to kick the crap out of them.

  • doresh

    Mmmh, the next part of To Boldy Flee, or a new episode of Counter Monkey. Easy choice :D

    These aquatic scenarios are especially bad in The Dark Eye – mainly because two of the strongest (non-magical) monsters in the game are kraken (which can crush any ship easily) and serpents (which can kill or at least heavily wound anyone with a single bite). Oh, and there are also demonic ships that are basically giant-ass wood spiders that walk on water and are stock-full with demons, fishmen and mercenaries (and this is in an otherwise low-fantasy setting). Never get on the boat indeed Oo.

    Though aquatic monsters are mainly used in boat scenarios, I think there are other ways you can take advantage of them. Most of this surely exist as some kind of 3.5 template, but I’m just fudging thinks:

    – introduce variations of aquatic monsters that live in sand: Sand Kraken, Sand Shark, whatever you want!

    – magical variations that breath air and can fly. Now you’re one step from making a homing sharkzooka

    – summon a water elemental to act as a mobile fish tank. Variations of the gelatinous cube might also do the trick

    And yeah, it’s always helpful to have light armor around, even if you only use it as a glorified pyjama (since at least 3rd edition and Pathfinder have you become fatigued if you sleep in medium or heavy armor).
    A few points in general adventuring skills (namely climbing, swimming and athletics) can never hurt, either.

  • jesternario

    1) best advice for boats ever
    2) never specialize in fire. if you MUST specialize in a magical element, choose lightning. Creatures are made of fire all the times, and when they’re not, they’re made of water. None of them are EVER made of lightning. the GM will just thing fire is too awesome, and when you get wise, he’ll start throwing water monsters at you instead. Lightning does damage to fire monsters, and more to water monsters. Specialize in lightning.
    3) Leomund’s Secret Chest means never having to worry about where your stuff is :).
    4) Yes it’s a track, but at least you can see it. It’s worse if it’s a train :p

  • Aiddon

    The current Adventure Path that Paizo is publishing is themed around pirate adventures so LOTS of boats.

  • Dan Schuett

    My first DM pulled that on my group for our second quest. Had us come across a boat on a lake and told us it would be days to go around and just a few hours to cross. I threw out the idea that we should go around because we might find something interesting in the forest. He in turn threw a Black Dragon at us. He was kind enough to not have it chase us as we ran like hell and got on that boat. .

  • Nick!

    i’ve been dying for a proper counter monkey…. this makes me feel really good

  • Karlossantos

    My only ever character death in Pathfinder happened on a ship. Poor old Inegar (aka Inegramps) the Inquisitor got shanked by a random, no-name pirate while he was knocked out on the deck. Worst death ever.

  • BulletLogic

    I want your 16 bit sprites, spoony. Where’dja get em?

  • pojo

    Make a rule in your firewall to allow www. (no space) in your settings/option/menu .You can always disable or delete the rule if you dont want to keep it open.I did that and Springboard works for me.

  • amishman

    thanks for reminding me of some good times spoon I sometimes forget how long its been since I last Dmed a game but talking about water monsters reminds me of some of my most fondest memories. While early on i to fell to the boat trap and the people never wanted to get on because they knew what would happen but that’s when i got clever with ice caves and my favorite trick have them do a quest for a King only to have the king betray them and dump them in a water pit where they fight some water monster and to the point they were great full there was a boat cause they thought i was done with sea monsters while yes i was i unleashed pirates on them and got a good laugh when they fell for it. I do enjoy hearing your stories spoony cause it takes me back to my gaming sessions.

  • Nicolaj Astorp Olsen

    Yay! : D more counter monkey, inspired me to play DnD : ) thanks Noah!

  • Nicolae Carpathia

    This video always loads up to 12:38 for me, and then stops at the exact same time.

    • Samuel Kelley

      Same exact time for me

      • Shauna

        Me too

        • dunebat

          It’s doing that to me, too.

          • Mark Redding

            It’s a problem in the video itself on springboard’s servers. This happens from time to time when files are optimized or processed. It could easily be fixed by re-uploading and watching the video once it has processed to verify that it works.

          • Zachary Foust

            That happend to me too on google chrome. It works on internet explorer though :P

        • jade_Knight

          Me four.

          • dunebat

            Flash and my browser are all up to date. Video card’s drivers are up to date. Hardware acceleration has been turned off on Springboard player, and it’s still doing this.

          • Jessica Kobold

            Same time on the vid as everyone else.

          • dunebat

            I’m guessing there’s no way to fix this issue, is there?

  • Daniel Thomas Stack

    Just a quick look at A-H of AD&D 2nd ed. Monsterous Compendium volumes 1 &2

    Aboleth – Amphibian – Tropics & underground
    Barracuda – Ocean
    Eye from the Deep – Any deep Ocean (Ocean beholder)
    Bullywug – swamp
    Catoblepas – swamp
    Cave fisher – subteranian
    Crocodile + Giant Crocodile – Swamps & Rivers
    Giant Crustacean – Giant Crab – Seashore – Giant Crayfish – Freshwater Rivers
    Dolphin – Any Saltwater
    Black Dragon – Swamp
    Bronze Dragon – Lake Shore, Sea shore
    Dragon Turtle – Fresh and Salt Water
    Dragonfish – Shalow freshwater pools, slow streams and rivers
    4 kinds of Eels Electric – Fresh water, Giant – Warm Salt & Fresh water, Marine – Warm Salt Water, Weed Warm fresh & salt water
    Water Elemental – large areas of water
    3 kinds of Giant Fish Catfish – Fresh Water, Gar – Fresh Water, Pike Fresh Water
    3 kinds of frogs all fresh water, Giant, Killer and Poisonous
    Kapocinth is a marine variety of Gargoyle Dwelling in relatively shallow water mostly in submerged sea caves.
    Lacedon a Water Ghoul
    Storm Giant Live in castles builg in cloud islands, mountain peeks, OR underwater.
    Green Hag – Any land or River
    Sea Hag – Any water
    hippocampus – Fresh or Salt water depths
    4 kinds of Hydra Basic Hydra – Swamp or Underground, Lernaean – Marsh, swamp, or subterranian, Pyohydra – Marsh, swamp, subteranian, Cryohydra – anywhere on ice

  • MM

    I’m glad to see more Counter Monkey. :] I really love hearing other people’s RP stories, sometimes even being able to relate to their experiences with my own, and you’ve always done an awesome job at making them entertaining. Thanks much, Spoony, for sharing yours, I always look forward to these.

  • Sandahl192

    This can be said of almost any system. Though outcomes may differ depending on who is on the boat.

  • BulletLogic

    The video ALWAYS craps out at 12:38 for me. Bummer.

  • vinyin

    Am I the only one that doesn’t know what he is talking about? I mean like for the past 19.00min.

  • Pots Talos

    The last boat I got on ended with a battle between a Kraken, Dragon Turtle, and my companions.

    We didn’t make…

  • draxo

    Jessie and James in the background! haha. nice!

  • Nic Payne

    I know this doesn’t have much to do with D&D but Shining Force 2 has the same deal where you fight a large Kraken on a raft in the river when traveling to Hassan in search of the Achilles Sword. The son of a bitch has about 10 to 12 tentacles and hits your team of 12 with massive blows. You’ll have mages running for their lives and considering that the boats spaces are limited, you almost have to strategize who’ll take one for the team and get hit. (possibly being struck to death)

    Not to mention the game at this point buffs up the defense of enemies skyrocket so you’ll have a couple fighters swiftly taking out a tentacle whilst trying to micromanage healing so it can distribute properly keeping everyone healthy. Even if you over-level, the boss is extremely hard and unavoidable. You will end up with at least 2 to 3 dead people even if you’ve played the game millions of times before.

    • nuclearaptor

      Shining fucking Force 2. Brofist to the max.

      It doesn’t help that one of the very few guys on the force who can actually put up a semblance of a fight against the Kraken is Peter, who’s still AI-controlled at this point in the game, meaning that he’s probably one moment away from going full retard and flying off to attack the head on his own or some shit.

      Seriously, fuck that part. The only battles that even approach the Kraken in terms of difficulty are the Chessboard and the Galam fight from way later in the game.

      • Nic Payne

        Ahh damn, i just got to this comment.

        That chessboard fight was something else. That damn King always took out my main fighters with a OHKO. Although I think it is hard to get a game over, I tried going through the game without anyone dying and had everybody at 5 deaths each; at least for the people I used. You have to be a God to go through even easy mode to keep everyone’s death rate at 0.

        I never knew that Peter was still AI at that point. I always remembered him stealing MY EXP when traveling through South Parmecia. What a douche LOL.

  • Kyle Rybski

    How the fuck do you not know what a selkie is?

  • Spectr

    Whats that book Spoony has there? The exact title I mean?

    • William Staples

      The black hardcover is the Monstrous Manual (AD&D 2nd Edition).

      The white softcover is the Monstrous Compendium Annual, Volume 1 (also AD&D 2nd Edition). It’s basically the first sequel to the Monstrous Manual.

  • Guillermo Garcia Viesca

    I am actually running a water campaign… and now instead of a black dragon there is an octopus because why not. Also an adamantine nutmeg grater, because spices are expensive.

  • Kerrus

    Stops at 12:38 for me also.

  • Mark Redding

    I’ve tested this video on 3 different computers (i5, pentium D, and core 2), 3 different accellerators (gt630m, 8800gts, GMA962) with hardware accel on and off, and while the video appears to load completely, it craps itself at 12:38 and won’t play a second past that. Since this was in a post from 21 hours ago as well, I’m guessing that the file on springboard is the fault and could probably be easily remedied by simply re-uploading the video.

  • Hubbe King

    Oreo… She stares into OUR SOULS D:

  • Damian Ragu Niescior

    I want that shirt, so bad. So. Bad,

  • laserwolf65

    Even after doing everything that the front page said to do, I still can’t view the video. GET RID OF THIS STUPID VIDEO PLAYER!

  • KatKaleen

    I read two pages of comments and thus far nobody seems to suffer the same feeling of Déjà Vu I have. I think you mentioned this before. NEVER GET ON A BOAT! GIANT SQUID! LIZARDMEN! Not in a review, but in a V-Log. But I can’t remember, where. Anyway, I like how you get lost in the book. That’s what happens to DMs. “All these awesome monsters! Where can I use them? Aquatic? Fuck! I need a boat!”

  •élanger/100000567236259 Luc Bélanger

    It’s SIn! The toxins! Watch out!

  • William Staples

    Ixitxachitl: pronounced “ish-it-SHOTCH-it-ul”. It’s ridiculous, yes.

    • William Staples

      And “sahuagin” is pronounced “sa-HOO-a-gin”.

  • Hippiethecat124

    First of all, Spoony has the lushest hair this side of the internet (unless Fabio got a job somewhere I don’t want to think of).
    Secondly, this made me realize what a bastard-ass my old GM was. We had a pretty shitty campaign running to begin with, continuing the adventures of Samuel Fortune (the pothead Ranger) and Anderson (the clueless Cleric). We had this major story arc centered around one of our characters who was a pirate, and there was supposed to be this epic navel battle off the coast of the continent…. No sea monsters. Nope. No danger of sliding off the boat (we had a galleon, I guess). Nothing. The battle wound up taking place on land, and I got so fed up with the camaign that I just had my poor bard Vivian stare into a crystal ball for several days straight screaming “Show me the secrets of magick!” before she went completely insane and had to be terminated. -_-

  • William Staples

    That Monstrous Compendium Annual with illustrations by Tony diTerlizzi (the one with the T-1000 and Zombie Nessie) was the first D&D book I ever picked up. Lots of nostalgia.

    • William Staples

      Incidentally, I wouldn’t throw lizardmen at my players if they went on a river. I would use bullywugs. They’d still have nets, though.

  • Misroi

    I’ve always wondered why ship captains let obvious adventurers get on
    their boat. Bad things always happen when adventurers get on a boat –
    sometimes it’s a pirate attack, sometimes it’s sahuagin raiders,
    sometimes it’s krakens, and sometimes it’s just stormy weather that threatens the whole ship. No matter what, it’s bad news for all shiphands.

  • Seth Olson

    seeing these videos make me wish i was playing the game. but don’t know step one of the game and know no1 who plays? Dam they need a dragon age game with just these sea monsters. I want to kill the undead Nessie

  • Petr Matafonov

    I love your monkey business

  • Chandler Stephens

    I once wrote a campaign titled, “Deep Hurting” that took place entirely on a series of ships that were tethered together in the ocean. It didn’t end well… for the players

  • Adam Holler

    Ultros returned to attack in the middle of a magically fueled airship military attack,,,, that’s not water.

  • Antony Cannon

    “These horrors that you’re going to face”… Just as Oreo hops onto his lap.

  • Rowan Anderson

    Hmm, I had no problems with the player, it played the whole thing no problem.

    Ah, ok I thought Jaws made me afraid of the water…no, Spoony made it worse :( although I have to admit that fighting a giant squid sounds bloody awesome!

  • angela

    Oh don’t even mention Lizard people. Our GM didn’t even bother waiting for us to choose the boat, we were on the damn boat first thing. And wouldn’t you know it, it ship-wrecked =P. Can anyone say stranded on an island?
    Oh and it got better. We apparently washed up into Lizard-people territory, and ended up fighting some big epic battle against them to save this rinky-dinky town. This, and the recent accidents, are going to give me an irrational fear of cruises T^T

  • Dehl Fudge

    way around this: get a flying bout/space whale and bring that over. faster and safer.

  • Timothy Bow

    I dont even need to watch this video to know what it’s gonna be about. I’m looking forward to your experience with it though,

  • Cas Wegkamp

    Love the shirt!

  • Alex Bosch

    It would be cool to run a game based around the Odyssey, a bunch of soldiers/adventurers just trying to get home from island nations , similar to the Greek isles.

    Eh cooooould be neat

  • thegodemperor

    Tako is Japanese for Octopus.

  • alvaro oyarte

    lol first time i see Spoony actually using the books on the background, the more i saw him using something from the BG were the Gunblades XD.

    Damn now i remember why i hate the water levels, but the Role plays takes the cake in deadly waters

  • Jennifer Putnam

    My DM didn’t even let us get on a boat, we were camped by the shore and a fucking Hydra comes out of nowhere and grabs two of my buddies and pulls them under towards the middle of the lake. Its fucking hard to fight an enemy in water, we were in the red. So the paladin had a hippogryph from a previous campaign, so i get the hippogryph to fly me up above the Hydra and fall like a fucking cannonball at the junction of its necks. It was pretty sweet haha expect for the Hydra part but I guess it made for some interesting combat

  • Barret Gaylor

    i wounder if he knows that tako is the japanese word for octopus

  • Matthew Burack

    Better advice: ALWAYS get on the fucking boat. Are you here to play a game where you fight epic monsters or not?

  • Tyler Thorp

    I don’t have a choice, the setting for my current campaign is a fucking pirate ship.

  • Matt Jones

    I feel bad for players that have DM’s like this.

  • Henri Paves

    My silliest D&D moment ever: Characters are on a ship passing downriver, when suddenly they’re ambushed by raiders with true striked catapults… Essentially, the war engines can’t miss and the ship is taking major damage every other round. So, one PC starts running across the deck, trying to get hit by the huge rocks that the catapults throw. “Meee! Hit meee! I can regenerate, but the boat can’t!”

  • Danilo De Simone

    Funny if you think the last thing Tandem the Spoony did was going on a boat…and there was a 20th level Lich on it.

  • Zipper Dragon

    So your saying that even if the DM steals stuph from you, dont get on the boat?

  • Love!

    oreo just gives the camera a knowing glance while he’s ranting about wizard athletics checks

  • Sean Rivera

    My first Pathfinder game started on a boat. My half-orc barbarian leaped across to another boat with our gnome druid on his back, and the gnome proceeded to lead the assault on the boat. She almost died, and my barbarian got his axe stuck in the ship, so he proceeded to punch multiple guards off the ship. Ended up with two ships almost sinking because they started to crash into each other and our half-dead fighter saving the day by steering one of the ships out of the way. Oh and our commanding officer’s horse fell into the ocean and died on impact since he rolled a 1.

  • Aron Marczylo

    Funnily enough the Aboleths are more terrorfying in Pathfinder where they have underwater cities and were anchient, even before the Gods arrived and had helped excellerate human’s evolution. Damn terrorfying imo, plus they’re hermaphrodidic so trying to hunt down these powerful creatures to extinction is a no go. Not to mention, the ones that live in their underwater cities are the most deadly.

  • BronzeDog

    And I find this video right after I commented on using the “steal their stuff” trick to get some PCs to some islands. But I guess I’m not quite as railroading since it’d be stolen stuff that they can choose to pass on if they maintain rationality, and if they got to the islands, they’d be somewhat able to re-equip for aquatic environments to cross back and forth if they don’t have alternate island hopping means.

  • Vismutti

    The DM should just do a whole campaign set on the seas. It wouldn’t even be hard to get players for that, who doesn’t want to play a pirate, or failing that, fight pirates?

    • DaReaperZ

      That’s actually an enticing story. Or maybe seafaring vikings in a fantasy universe, raiding orc towns and more. I don’t know if something like that already exists, but it definitely should! :)

  • Kyle White

    Dude you saved my ass! I just got done with a session today were my DM tried the same thing. We had to take a ship out to open seas in order to drop off a diplomat at the neighboring city. It would either be a two day boat ride or a two week hike through the mountains. I could see the delight in his eyes when half the party wanted to take the ship. So my bard with a high charisma, convinced the party to take the mountain pass instead. My DM had the biggest “I’m gonna fucking kill you” face I have ever seen. At the end of the session he asked me how did I know what he was gonna do? So I showed him your video. So his reply after seeing it was “I’m gonna fucking kill him now!!!! How dare he give away DM secrets.” So thanks again man, you saved me and my party’s ass. Even though he’s probably gonna screw us in the end.

    • Ased Zazx


  • Daniel David Herrera Belisario

    woops man… I just made my party go in a boat yesterday :D

  • Brett Miller

    this makes me wish spoony would do a vid about awesome monsters from different rpgs

  • kamrom dechu

    Ixitxachitl = ish-it-SHACH-itl

  • Daniel Tilson

    If they don’t wanna get on the boat, you could always create the Land-Kraken and unleash that.

  • Joshua Jimenez

    I once DM-ed a Elder Scrolls based campaign in the JadeClaw engine. (new group, I figured a familiar setting would help).

    The party had fun but every situation I set up, they just kind of… bluntly played through if you know what I mean. I figured and experienced player might tip them off that they aren’t as restrained as with a video game, so I let the wannabe-dm dm for a while and joined as an Argonian guerilla unit leader (LV 14) using extensive dexterity to do a lot of damage with precise attacks, using a spear. At first they though this was kind of weird, but when I started chucking my spear around, impaling enemies, killing them instantly, they started to be amazed. Then John hated me when I told the dm that he should consider John’s bow ruined and unusable after an underwater infiltration. (unclean water, not really dirty but full of stuff like algae). My spear obviously was just fine. I also set underwater ambushes for enemies… so much fun.

    after that, they were a lot more improvising. (also helped by the fact that I let them find really odd weapons as treasures, like for example a Macuahuitl or a magic chakram)

  • Tab

    I just agreed to play a campaign where I’m on a ship sailing to the edge of the world to find some rare plant with medicinal properties for the person who hired us. I have failed you, Spoony.

    • Daniel Tilson

      You gonna die! ^_^

  • Gavin Branson

    Of the dozens of vessels my various characters have boarded from warships, boats, rafts to at least one improvised canoe, *only one* failed to sink somehow, and most burned. Oddly enough it was the one that seemed most likely to end up on the bottom of the ocean because we boarded it to cross the ocean to a new continent (instant ticket to a desert island nine times out of ten), were sailing through an *infamously* treacherous stretch of water (instant ticket to Davey Jones’ locker nine times out of ten) and ran across two shiploads of pirates at the same time (yadda yadda, guaranteed adventure) in the middle of a tropical storm (see above).

    We came out of that encounter having not only avoided the sea monster everyone was dreading, but also able to send our captain to the home port two ships better off.

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