Evil Dead Trap

The Spoony One | Apr 5 2009 | more notation(s) | 
Evil Dead Trap

A Review by Noah Antwiler

Nami's having a bad hair day,
and it's only going to get worse.
Both her day and her hair.

Oh no, my friends, this is not The Evil Dead you know and love by Sam Raimi, starring B-movie beefcake Bruce Campbell. Oh, it rips the camera work from Evil Dead, but this is something much, much worse. I've been accused lately of being a bandwagon-jumper with my recent recommendations of several Asian market horror films such as The Eye, Infection, One Missed Call, Living Hell, and Uzumaki, the very people to blame for the recent influx of J-horror remakes in the States like the abysmally bad Buffy vs. The Grudge, Pulse, and many others. I think these criticisms are a little unfair; while I do think that most of the best work in suspense/horror is being done in the far east, I never once said that they haven't farted out more than their share of cinematic stinknuggets like Phone and the depressingly stupidly-named One Missed Call 2. I didn't even like the fanboy favorite A Tale of Two Sisters, and with that you can hear what little credibility I have with Asiaphiles fly straight out the window. I mean, all you have to do is look at my many battles with Tomie to know that I don't ride bandwagons and I don't stay on the safe side of the fence. I'm a rebel, baby.

And to prove it, I sought out the very worst Japan had to offer and I found it in Evil Dead Trap (or is it Evil dead trap?) from a shockingly negative review on Snowblood Apple, a site I rather enjoy for its affinity for the obscure, even if I don't agree with three-quarters of their assessments. They're a little too forgiving and I'm a lot too snarky, so if they think Evil dead trap was one of the worst movies ever made I'm sure to be dead by the end of this film. Or at least insane. More insane. You know. Anyway, I'll try not to step too much on SA's review and give my own take on it, because I'm going in fresh. Who knows? I might even like it. All I know is that I found it for four bucks in the discount bin at Electronics Boutique next to an abused copy of The Pacifier and Hulk Hogan's Mr. Nanny.

The first thing we see is a haggard, frumpy-looking late-night show host of some program called Up Late With Nami or something "for all the people out there who can't sleep." It's a show where people send in the craziest, wildest home videos they have, mainly of people getting hit in the groin, gored by a bull, or injured in the commission of a crime. You know, sort of like Maximum Exposure or The World's Wildest Police Videos, those shows with absurdly painful clips with either a Benny Hill soundtrack or a sarcastic narrator making bad puns in the background. They're the kind of shows you watch once, and they seem pretty cool at first in that "better them than me" schadenfreude way until you realize you spent the last half hour giggling at a video of a man being gored up the ass by a bull's horn played a half-dozen times in super slo-mo when you could have been doing anything else and it would have been more fulfilling. Nami apologizes that the show wasn't very good (oof, never a good move) and says that it's up to the audience to send better videos.

But while all this is going on we can see someone creepy editing a video. We know they're creepy because all of their footage is in grainy black-and-white and filmed in extreme close-up right on his or her eyeball. Later, an even frumpier-looking Nami shambles into her office to find a package awaiting her sent from a fan. Nami whines about how she can't get a job with normal working hours and screens the tape. The first part of the tape is utterly dull footage of someone filming with a handheld out their car window, focusing on road signs on the highway. Nami jams the fast-forward button. Good move. Who would send a tape with five minutes of boring road-trip footage? If you don't have it cued up to the interesting bits you're lucky Nami didn't just eject the tape after a minute of inactivity. Anyway, the tape spins on until Nami finally sees something that makes her resume normal play.

There's a Visine for that.

It's a woman chained upright, suspended from the rafters in some abandoned warehouse. She's wearing tatters of shredded clothes, which she is soon relieved of by Unseen Knife Man. The guy wastes no time in just ramming a huge butcher's knife into her gut (which looks conspicuously like a foam rubber model) and filleting her right up to the breastbone. The woman seems to whine slightly instead of letting out a window-shattering scream like you'd expect. Then Unseen Knife Man plunges the knife into her eyeball, to which she makes no appreciable noise at all. You'd think she might be hyperventilating or begging the killer to stop, or...I don't know, screaming her fucking head off as someone rams a foot-long stainless steel blade into her skull. You're telling me that they managed to find an actress who has somehow managed to fail the B-movie Actress Screen Test, which consists simply of looking into the camera and howling in terror? Ugh, this acting is just plain lazy, and the direction here comes across as negligent at best. You can't just film gore visuals and count on that to carry your horror movie, people. Especially not a badly-lifted eyeball-mutilation sequence stolen from Un Chien Andalou.

Nami at least tries to act scared by this. She looks uncertain of the authenticity of the violence, but when she sees the shot of the pierced eyeball she grimaces with an "eeeeesh" expression. Then the Unseen Knife Man performs another downward stroke with the knife through her solar plexus (which looks conspicuously like another foam model that has forgotten the previous huge sucking knife wound inflicted on the woman not a minute ago). Oh yes, we have seen Videodrome, haven't we? Not only that, but the whole grainy monochrome footage motif and the close-ups of eyeballs is a blatant visual ripoff of Ringu. The terrible synthesizer soundtrack is a painfully inappropriate clone of the kind of music used in the Goblin movies (and it was bad there, too), so combined with the theft of the snuff film idea that's about six horror movies they've managed to rip off, and it hasn't even been five minutes yet. Good show.

The Videodrome snuff video concludes by super-imposing a photograph of Nami on top of the dead woman's face. I think the editor is trying to tell you something, Nami, and to paraphrase Bill Goldberg, "You're next." Nami goes straight to her producer with the tape - and man, she looks worse than ever! Does the woman never get any sleep? How long have you been doing this show, Nami? Come on, you must have had your sleep schedule straightened out by now. She's also wearing this horrendously bad skirt that looks more like a badly-knotted sarong with clashing zebra stripes of varying widths crisscrossing her ass. She wants to go to the place shown in the video to investigate the murder because it'll be a great show.

And you thought American "Fear Factor" was disgusting...

Eventually the producer relents and says if she really wants to haul ass out to some stank warehouse and get killed shooting footage for a show that'll never air, fine, but don't expect him to sign off any expense waivers. Nami goes to the lounge and tries to drum up some support for this little field trip of death. The three others having lunch at the moment are all woman. Rei asks if it's really a good idea for four women to go off alone to something this monumentally dangerous, but another says "If Nami's going, we should all go!" What, is Nami a black-belt in Cobra-Kai Karate or something? Have you ladies seen this video? In what drug-addled stupor must all these women be in to think this journey will end in anything less than their total dismemberment and having their organs bagged in Ziploc and stuffed into an industrial meat freezer for some crazy inbred fucker's late night snack?

A grinning (male) doofus named Kondou enters the lounge with today's mail call which he calls "pathetic letters from late-night nerds." Nami takes offense that he calls her show and its fans "nerdy." Gee, I'm sorry Nami, my mistake. I forgot you don't have any fans because nobody watches your fucking ass-nugget of a clip show. The ladies simultaneously hatch a plan and talk Kondou into accompanying them to the murder scene so they can have a man along to protect them. Yeah, Kondou is a buffet of manliness, too, with his little ropey arms and Clark Kent demeanor. Kondou whines that he shouldn't get involved; he always gets in trouble when they string him along in their little plans. But four-on-one Kondou doesn't stand a chance, so together they pile into their Blanco Bronco and go on a road trip.

Kondou says that there's probably nothing to worry about, just some ugly loser who yearns to wear Nami's panties on his oily, greasy face. And doesn't that just set the ladies at ease. And then-- OH MY GOD!! They almost hit a dog in the road! Oh the HORROR! I think I'll keep a running tally of the false scares in this movie. That's one.

The footage is really starting to remind me of the interminable driving montage in "Manos:" The Hands of Fate but without the charming clarinet music in the background. Eventually they pull up to a compound surrounded by a chain-link fence and topped with barbed wire. Signs on the gate warn against trespassing on pain of grievous tetanus and prosecution to the fullest extent of the law. One of the ladies gets out and asks "Nami, is this really here?" Um, yes. This is really here. Brilliant dialogue. Kondou says that something's wrong; there shouldn't be anything here but an empty field, according to his map. Kondou, you're looking at a road map, you stupid jizz-magnet. Road maps don't mark off the names of every individual building, and even if they did, you probably bought that map in the Ashikaga Shogunate. Nami remarks that "it looks like some kind of factory." Maybe because it's a fucking factory, you stupid fuckhat. God, I hate rote horror movie banter. People just talking to fill in dead air.

Kondou approaches the gate which is chained, barbed wired, and padlocked shut. Then for some insane reason he grips the gate with both hands and pulls, as if he's suddenly going to tap some unknown Super Saiyan font of power that laid dormant inside him until this very moment, causing him to rip the gate from its concrete moorings in single casual tug on the bars. To his great shock, the chains do not in fact shatter at his slightest touch and he steps back, fully out of ideas on how to proceed. He hypothesizes that there must be another way in, but he's too stupid to think of throwing a quilt over the barbed wire and just climbing the fence. Nami approaches the gate and pulls on the padlock. It opens. Well damn, that just puts me and my Super Saiyan sarcasm in my place, doesn't it? I guess it does work sometimes.

Kondou opens the gate, but says this may not be such a bad idea seeing as how they're now officially trespassing and they could be arrested. Yes, and they could just call the police and enter the property legally! Nami looks back at Kondou like he's some village idiot and chuckles to herself. I'm going to enjoy watching her die.

"Howdy ma'am. I'm Johnny Cash"

They drive the van into the factory grounds. The scene shifts radically to a much different time of day and what could be an entirely different season outside, not to mention as they drive down the road the gate they supposedly just passed is closed behind them. "Looks like a big place" Kondou continues. With every inane line these characters utter, I want to fly to Japan, find the screenwriter responsible for this banal script and slap him into unconsciousness with the DVD case. Nami suggests that they split up into groups (WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!) and investigate the grounds. Have you never seen a horror movie in your life, Nami? Good god. Ugh. There are five of them so they decide to split into uneven groups of two, two, and one. If the psycho killer is watching this unfold from a window, I bet he can hardly believe his luck. The stupidity of this script and all the characters in it continues to astound me. Just when I think they've reached a new low, they manage to do something that further pushes them ever closer to a Darwin Award.

Kondou pairs off with one of the women and apologizes to her. He says that the bourbon made him feel weird. She gripes that he was impotent, not weird. HEYO! Wayyyy too much information!

Wow! The camera cuts to a spastic point-of-view monster that moves very low to the ground and zooms around at high-speeds with a loud growling noise. Just like The Evil Dead! Isn't that neat!

Nami volunteered to go off alone, so she enters one of the buildings. She hears some kind of crackling noise that sounds like someone stepping on bubble wrap, or maybe someone annoyingly pressing the button on the end of his ball-point pen very rapidly near a microphone. Instead of going for help, she goes off to investigate what is almost certainly the snapping of bone and sinew in some dank basement. She peeks under a nearby piece of heavy machinery to find a dead bird being VERY loudly consumed by...crickets? Crickets are damn loud when they eat. She spins around to find Johnny Cash leaning against the doorway. He's wearing all black and a pair of huge sunglasses, smoking a cigarette Bogart-style. He tells Nami to keep her guard up (Subtext: Because I'm Evil Johnny Cash and I'll probably be trying to kill you later) because this place isn't a playground and wanders off. And now we've managed to lift dialogue from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Nami calls after him, demanding to know what he's doing here. He responds that he's looking for someone (Subtext: ...to murder).

Kondou's Girlfriend has somehow managed to get separated from her partner and stumbles around asking loudly where he's run off to. A rack of fluorescent lights crashes noisily to the floor nearby in response. (False Scare #2) The Suspiria soundtrack kicks into high gear until it realizes that nothing really scary is happening and just peters out apologetically. KG looks down to see a snake coiled at her feet, making weird and very un-snakelike noises including a rattlesnake buzzing sound. She backs up to a door and promptly falls through it (False Scare #3) into a much darker room. She hears a noise and approaches a supply closet. Kondou bursts out of the closet wearing fake Wolfman teeth (where the hell did he get those?) and scares the crap out of her (False Scare #4). Man, these false scares are all over the place. This movie's got pallet-loads of 'em.

She shoves Kondou down, breaking his glasses. But he's not upset; he dusts himself off and proudly states "I'm horny today!" then begins to force himself on his girlfriend, insisting that he can summon Mr. Stiffy this time around. And isn't this the most romantic place for a quickie? A rusted-out abandoned factory infested with roaches and dead birds where a women was brutally eviscerated on home video? Places like this make all the girls wet. Aaaah! more footage from the Evil Dead POV Monster! And now everyone's naked! Oh yeah! Make some nasty love on that workbench covered in rusty Craftsman tools next to the dead rat! Hot hot HOT! Minutes later (and I do mean minutes), they pull on their clothes whining about how dirty it is here.


Pink Lady (I call her Pink Lady because she wears a lot of pink and I'm too lazy to learn her actual name, and I'm too lazy to learn her name because the dialogue blows alpaca balls) wanders off from her partner, Camera Lady and decides it'd be a great idea to wander the woods alone. The wind picks up into a swirling vortex around her, so she backs away from the disturbance in an unknown direction until...Aaaah! She runs into Nami! (False Scare #5) Pink Lady thinks they should leave, but Nami's dead-set on unlocking this mystery. Behind them in a nearby shed, some guy wearing a ball-gag desperately claws his way over the wall trying to get their attention. A boot thumps down on his wrist, keeping him from doing so. Must be the gimp. The guy whimpers and shrinks back in the corner, allowing us to get a better look at the killer. The bad guy wears some ridiculous green/black poncho that covers his face like some survivalist Gordon's Fisherman and his normal standing pose is a stupid hands-outstretched stance like a zombie tasked with bringing four longneck bottles of beer back to his table. I refuse to believe this guy can actually see anything with the poncho hood over his head, and I have no idea why he stands with his hands outstretched like at any minute he's going to collapse to his knees screaming "STELLAAAAA!" The funniest part is that when he exits the scene, he flings his arms tightly around himself with a flourish of the voluminous sleeves of his poncho like Bela Lugosi pretending to be a vampire in Plan 9 From Outer Space. The only thing that's missing is a beefy "BWUHUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" on the way out. What a jackass...

Camera Lady (I call her Camera Lady because she carries a 35mm camera-- witty, huh?) prances around outside taking pictures of trees in what could be the biggest waste of time ever engaged in by any photographer in history. She's acting the hell out of this scene too, spinning around, seeming to think "oh there's a nice tree! That really uncovers the shocking truth behind this mystery!" She turns around and sees a large factory building that she recognizes from the snuff video. Now that I've been introduced to every protagonist in the movie, what exactly was Nami's plan after coming here? She's come here to investigate the snuff film, right? To shoot footage for her television program? Then why does nobody in the entire group carry any kind of video camera? None of them have even brought so much as a notepad, much less a tape recorder or a handheld minicam. The only person who brought anything was Camera Lady, and all she has is a lousy consumer-grade still-photo camera. How is this supposed to deliver anything usable for the show? It's like the movie isn't at all concerned with a believable premise or fleshed-out characters as it is simply getting as many people into a van as possible and trucking them into a meat grinder quickly.

Meanwhile, Kondou's Girlfriend has managed to find herself a profoundly filthy shower somewhere to cleanse herself in (WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!) and, of course, is nowhere near anyone who can help her. She puts her clothes back on and immediately hears strange noises and goes to investigate. She grabs up a weapon (some kind of iron bar) and vows to bash Kondou's head in if he's trying to frighten her again, when she notices maggots are falling from the ceiling and into her hair. The maggots are clustered around disgusting fleshy stains above her. This scene with the maggots has been ripped straight out of Suspiria so blatantly that I wonder if this has been brought to Dario Argento's attention so he can sue somebody's ass over this. She slumps into a chair near the wall where suddenly a massive steel shaft erupts from the floor and impales her through the gut. More spikes plunge through the floor and walls, staking her to death in about four different directions. The makeup effects here are exceptionally bad, in what is clearly the actress kneeling behind a dummy, sticking her head out over the collar of its shirt. And who's controlling these spikes? This looks like the coordinated effort of four exceptionally strong killers who can see through walls.

This one will be hard to explain
in the coroner's report.

Elsewhere, Nami and Pink Lady are discussing whether or not they think the video was real. "The woman in the video didn't appear to be acting," Nami says. No shit. She didn't appear to be acting to me, either. Nami says she thinks whether it was real or not, it was definitely an invitation to her. Pink Lady says if that's the case, they should definitely leave. Nami shrugs and asks "don't you want to meet him?" Um...NO? Pink Lady gets in the van only to find Kondou hiding inside for no reason with his hood pulled up...for no reason. I have no idea why he's slouching in the back seat trying to look like a suicide bomber other than it's necessary to set up False Scare #6. Camera Lady runs up shouting that she found the spooky building in the video and they'd all better come look. *Gasp* Intelligence from one of the characters? I don't believe it!

They go inside the building and WHAM! It's a completely different time of day outside! It was dusk outside and inside it's a weird tinted shade of blue. They poke around in the darkness for a little while until Camera Lady fiddles loudly with her camera, scaring the crap out of all of them with the flash (False Scare #7). The group notes that all the windows are covered and wonder why that could be. For a while their only illumination is the periodic flashing of the camera, and you know this is going to result in another jump-scare. On the next flash, Kondou leaps out from the shadows to scare the ladies again (False Scare #8). Man, what IS Kondou's problem? Is he just a complete asshole or what? You know those people I always complain about in horror movies who violently grab people fumbling around in the dark by the shoulder and scream "HEY, BOB RELAX IT'S ME!" Well he's the kind of guy who does that purposefully to scare you. Dickhead.

They continue to investigate deeper into the building when they hear a horrid screeching nails-on-a-chalkboard noise. They turn down the hall to see Kondou's Girlfriend dangling on a huge meat hook and zooming towards them on some kind of pulley chain. Her body sends them scattering as she smashes into the wall. Pink Lady loses her lunch at the sight of it and runs blindly down the halls (good move). The roof collapses, blocking the hallway in front of her. Apparently Evil Johnny Cash set shaped-charges ahead of time to block all avenues of escape. Ludicrously, Pink Lady stops at the sight of the collapsing room, then continues to run towards the deadly falling chunks of rubble in that pathetic arms-flailing breathless-whimper girly run that slasher victims used to do in movies made before 1960. Along the way she runs across a hallway with huge backlit industrial fans (calling Ridley Scott...) and finally manages to stagger outside the factory. She starts talking to herself, resolving to call the police at once.

The others chase after Pink Lady but lose her in the confusion. They find some kind of cell at the end of the hallway. Camera Lady approaches it when suddenly a knife flashes out of the darkness and slices her across the cheek. Instead of pain or shock, her reaction is a funny "huh, that's weird" expression. Evil Poncho Man steps out behind the bars brandishing a combat knife. The group retreats at full speed until several of them accidentally drop down a pitfall in a collapsed stairwell, leaving Camera Lady alone. A sign in the back reads that this is a U.S. Air Force installation. I'm not sure if this will become relevant later on, but I doubt it. More likely they just had a spooky abandoned industrial park lined up and decided to shoot a scary movie here. It's how must of this shit gets made since Carnival of Souls.

Pink Lady makes it back to the van and experiences the requisite horror movie cliche of the vehicle failing to start, but eventually she gets the engine to kick over. She drives to the gate and finds it closed (who did that?) when someone pulls her seat back. A crazy man in a torn shirt strangles her, saying he's under orders to kill anyone who enters the facility. He rambles on about how it's fun to kill, doubly so if you do it slowly. As he strangles her, there are a lot of unlikely comedic sounds issuing from her throat like the exaggerating crunching noise of snapping fresh celery.

This is the best birthday ever!

Back in the building, Camera Lady notices that the killer has taken her camera and is trying to scare her by snapping the flash as he approaches. She runs the other way (I knew she was smart) and slaps a huge steel door (think a bunker door, or the kind of door on a vault) shut behind her, then barricades it with a ton of heavy equipment. The killer simply boots the door open and attacks. He tries to stab her, but she grabs the blade of the knife barehanded. The killer stops. She pulls her hand back and sees that she's cut herself quite badly on the blade. Then she shrieks and passes out. Not that I think the killer needs any help here, but these victims are coming to him gift-wrapped, aren't they? He doesn't even have to really try for this lot.

Back in the van, we find Pink Lady being savagely raped by the Crazy Ball-Gag Man. I guess this has been going on for about five hours because it's the dead of night now when before it was mid-afternoon. Crazy Ball-Gag Man explains between gross squelchy thrusting noises that "they" killed his girlfriend so now he serves "them." He says "They" are really two people in one, but I don't think Pink Lady really cares at this juncture. She tries to escape to no avail. The guy finishes his lusty business after about three more minutes of uncomfortable buttsecks footage, then clamps his hands around her throat again. Suddenly some kind of steel spike is fired through the windshield, striking him in the back of the head. The guy vomits an inappropriately large geyser of blood on her before dying. She stumbles out of the car, thinking herself safe when a noose made of piano wire loops around her neck, pulling her over the roof of the van and yanks her off the other side. She falls and shatters his skull on the asphalt. Thanks movie. This is really charming shit. Anything else you'd like to show me? Maybe you'd like to rape and murder that puppy you showed me earlier.

Evil Poncho Man examines his handiwork. It's interesting to note that the sound effect they've chosen for Evil Poncho Man's footsteps is someone stomping a cowboy boot in a cash register's change drawer. I swear to god, this is the loudest, most annoying, overblown foley work I think I've ever heard.

Nami awakens on a rooftop. Strange considering the last we saw her, she fell down a pit. Evil Johnny Cash grabs her shoulder violently from behind (False Scare #9) and shows her Kondou's body. Evil Johnny Cash explains that Kondou was dead when he got here, so it's not his fault. Kondou looks like a pile of cheap plastic mannequin parts, so I don't know why Nami is so disturbed at the sight of it. He explains that this is an old military base, but I'm paying more attention to the fact that he's wearing a black suit and a pair of flip-flops instead of boots, so I miss most of the conversation. Something unseen causes a nearby flash to fall noisily down the stairs, so EJC goes to check it out, saying "Hideki? Stop playing around, I know it's you!" He pulls a gun but something stabs him through the shoulder. He returns fire at the unseen thing attacking him, then...vanishes. Ooooooookay. I'm beginning to think Evil Johnny Cash isn't from around here.

Nami walks down the halls, encountering a strange television in the middle of an intersection. Camera Lady is on the screen begging for help. Her face is covered in clown white, so I guess she's the newest member of the KISS Army. Naturally this freaks Nami out, and it doesn't help when all around her more televisions activate all over the walls, each showing things ranging from static to multiple images of KISS Camera Lady. All right already, movie, I know you've seen Videodrome! I get it! Can I be excused now?!

As a last-ditch effort to save her flagging career,
Bjork attempts to freshen her image
by opening for KISS!

The video tells Nami to go to the "last door on the right," and you should always follow the distorted advice of demonic, disembodied heads you see on spectral televisions, so she goes. Unfortunately the door is locked, secured tightly with more piano wire. For a full minute the camera sloooooowly pans across the full length of the wire, still more wire...even more wire...around a pulley...around another pulley...then I fall asleep, then I awaken to see yet more wire which finally leads to the trigger of a crossbow mounted on a tripod. The crossbow is aimed squarely at Camera Lady's head. This seems like it's been ripped off from something, but I can't remember what. I know I've seen it somewhere because I know exactly what's going to happen next and the crossbow bolt ends up missing her.

Why didn't Camera Lady think to mention "oh and be careful when opening the door; there happens to be a booby trap wire attached to a crossbow aimed at my fucking head!!" Oh she's quite able to give exact directions to Nami despite having no idea where she's standing, but she's too busy to mention the crossbow trap. Fucking brilliant. Nami rips the door open finally, causing the crossbow to fire. Camera Lady manages to shift her head to one side, however, causing the bolt to miss (False Scare #10). But on the way in Nami trips another wire, causing an eight-foot long blade to swing down from a fulcrum in the ceiling which crashes down into her body, killing her instantly. The foley work for this sounds like that goofy meaty "schplooorsh" sound you hear in old samurai movies when someone gets decapitated. I. Have. Fucking. Seen. All. This. Before!! When did this killer have the time to paint a woman in KISS makeup and rig up such an elaborate Rube Goldberg-esque trap, anyway? Why would he want to? What is this, Mouse Trap? Just fucking kill these idiots. There's no point in playing with your food.

Oh and it's abundantly clear in the next shot that she isn't bleeding, but someone just off-camera is clearly pouring blood on top of her head. Good job.

Evil Poncho Man appears behind her in the doorway and he starts throwing what I can only assume to be telekinetic Roman candles and crossbow bolts at her, chasing her across the room. I say telekinetic because at no time does he ever take hold of a crossbow. The bolts pin her clothing to the walls, Robin Hood-style, causing her to tear most of them to shreds pulling free. Nami stands up, defiantly daring the killer to come out, because she's not afraid of him! The killer obliges and shoots her in the thigh. Scared now? Evil Johnny Cash runs into the room and presumably chases the killer off with his gun. He helps her down the halls explaining that he knows a secret way out of here. He also says that he's seen the killer and it's a child. I can't believe she actually trusts Evil Johnny Cash. Never trust a man in flip-flops who sings country music. Come to think of it, never trust anyone in flip-flops.

Either he reloads that crossbow really fast,
or she has a reaction time of 20 seconds.

He leads her to some kind of tunnel he claims leads to the woods, then tells her to walk in front of him with the light (Subtext: so I can more easily reach your spine). Then he grabs at his chest and slumps to the ground. He tells her no to worry, this happens sometimes for a little while but it always passes. He lights up a cigarette and waits for the episode to pass. Maybe the pain has something to do with you being stabbed in the shoulder earlier. But I'm no doctor. He starts to talk about his brother, and how they were both born with almost no sensitivity to pain. Then he asks about her family, and this scene is so boring and drawn-out that I'm seriously beginning to fall asleep here. EJC gives her his gun and says he's going back for his brother. But y'know. Good luck against the killer by yourself. Hope you do better than the other 4 guys you came here with!

Then we see EJC sitting in front of a vanity mirror putting war paint on his face. Oh great. Can I call 'em or what?

Nami makes it outside where again the time of day has shifted radically to foggy mid-morning! The director of this movie has no concept of time continuity between scenes! She finds Pink Lady's body splayed near the van and mourns her death for an incredibly long time, saying how they really should have obeyed her pleas not to stay in the Carnival of Souls all day to get systematically picked off by the Gordon's Fisherman. Evil Poncho Man tromps out noisily from the woods, sending Nami into hiding. He goes to the van and takes the two bodies away.

Nami goes to the gate as if to leave, but something makes her stop. She looks back at the Poncho Man dragging the bodies away and feels compelled to stay and fight him. ARGGGHHHH!! WHY??? Just go get the cops, you STUPID, STUPID woman! She's got a working vehicle positioned at the open gates. She's a quarter-mile from safety in the city, and she goes back to fight the serial killer! She goes into the van, ties her hair back, and slams back half a can of that foul Starbucks espresso drink you can buy at 7-11. Oh look out, Johnny, Nami's coming and she's wired on three ounces of liquid caffeine!

She limps back through the tunnel-- oh good, now we get to watch her stagger both ways down this bloody huge tunnel-- and climbs up through a grille into a better-lit area. She can hear a maternal voice telling someone named Hideki that it's time to get some sleep because he's got school tomorrow. Norman? Norman! Who's the girl, Norman? Nami climbs to her feet and hears the same woman repeat the exact same dialogue again. She follows the voice (brilliant) with gun drawn into a smaller chamber tiled like an institutional bathroom converted into a bedroom. The room is full of televisions and video editing equipment, no doubt so the killer can do his weekly podcast of angry Nintendo game reviews. Nami also finds a couple makeshift hate shrines consisting of family photos riddled with needles much like the ones I made of George Lucas and David Arquette. As she investigates, a nearby reel-to-reel recorder activates, playing the same "Hideki, it's time for school" thing I've heard about three times now. This paragraph may seem like the scene is moving rather briskly, but understand that the movie is actually running as I type this so I've been watching her creep around this dank room for about three minutes now and I haven't bothered to pause the film because nothing is happening.

She hears a doorway open back the way she came and spies Evil Poncho Man dragging more bodies inside. The guy talks to himself, reprimanding himself for killing too many people in one day. You have to pace yourself! A more childish voice speaks up from the same poncho saying it'll do whatever it likes, and besides, the last victim is in the bedroom watching them right now. The Poncho Man then pratfalls to the floor, grabbing his chest. Eventually he gets up and follows her inside. She tries to hide, but in a 20x20 room with no furniture that's pretty difficult. Poncho Man speaks in Evil Johnny Cash's voice, asking why she didn't leave when he gave her the chance. "Did you want a news story that badly?"

"I'm responsible for the deaths of my friends!" she says. "I couldn't just leave and forget!" Who's forgetting? The cops could have helped you! Gaaaah! It's like arguing with a Sony fanboy. Johnny Cash says she sounds like his mother, and that's the last straw! She aims the gun and demands that he remove the mask, so he does. Like it matters. She's seen his face already. She says they're going to march right out the door and to the police, but EJC ignores her and goes back to the room where he's busy stacking his victims. He says he doesn't care if she shoots him; he didn't really think the good times would last forever anyway. Hideki (whoever that is) and he have had a good run.

"Quaaaaid! Free Mars! Quaaaaid!"

And with that, random explosions start rocking the building, sending them both sprawling to the ground! Tim the Sorcerer must be trying to kill them! These explosions are just manifesting out of nowhere. The sprinklers in the ceiling activate, dousing the entire set in water. Evil Johnny Cash clutches his chest in pain, shouting for Nami to run so she does. She goes back into the hallway and immediately gets lost. Why didn't you just go back into the tunnel in the same room you were just in? She reaches an intersection but every direction she picks, she's blocked by the strange psychic explosions and is driven back into the Victim Chamber. Evil Johnny Cash is still writhing on the floor, apparently locked in internal combat with himself. He stands up, begging Nami to shoot her and finally she manages to do it. I'm amazed he gave her a gun with bullets.

EJC collapses and tells her to shoot again because her aim is lousy. No, really. The gunshot wound smokes and festers, and then something starts to burst out of his chest! You've got to be kidding me, this movie is ripping off Alien now?! How can anyone get away with this? A spasming fleshy mass claws its way onto the floor, enshrouded in a veiny sac. Nami looks on in horror as the disgusting bloody nut-sack turns into a freakish demon foetus.

Yup! That's your real monster, folks: a ten-inch monster foetus. The creature vows revenge for killing its brother and attacks at its full terrifying speed. The Sam Raimi POV Camera attacks her, but she ducks out of the way, sending the foetus careening into a pile of compressed gas tanks. She shoots them and they detonate. Gotta wonder why Evil Poncho Man kept a room full of flammable gas tanks stacked in his bedroom, but clearly the demon baby had a master plan that we're not aware of.

Nami creeps up to check for a body but the fetus has cleverly managed to fly up into the rafters and is clinging to an overhead fluorescent light! It whips out its eight-foot-long prehensile umbilical cord to entangle around her neck and starts to strangle her with it! Well I assume it's an umbilical cord. Maybe it's a really huge Death Penis Tentacle. Evil Johnny Cash stumbles into the room and tries to stuff the devil baby back in his chest. I'd accuse this movie of ripping off the Cuato character in Total Recall but that movie hadn't been made yet.

Can you guys believe how low I've sunk for the love of my work? I'm recapping a movie where an aborted demon foetus is strangling a retarded woman with his own prehensile Doom Cock while his conjoined mutant brother who looks like Johnny Cash is trying to stuff him back in his abdomen. Eventually he manages to cram Demon Baby back into his gut and tells Nami that he made the snuff video because he desperately wanted to meet her because she looks like his mother. Oh, so Evil Dead Trap is really a tragic love story of a botched military experiment's unrequited Oedipal love for a late-night clip show hostess and its attempt to win her over by impressing her by brutally murdering all of her friends. That still doesn't explain why the movie is called Evil Dead Trap. They're not trapped and the dead people aren't evil.

Anyway, Evil Johnny Cash stabs himself with his combat knife to kill Hideki the Demon Seed and falls to the floor where he turns into a burnin' ring of fire. He goes down, down, down, and the flames get higher. And it burns, burns, burns...that ring of fire. The ring of fire.

With the murderers burned to a crisp Nami sits back, completely spent. She drops her gun and heads for the door. Yeah, I can't foresee any potential circumstance in which you might need that gun again, Nami. Burned Johnny Cash leaps to his feet (what?!) and starts beating the shit out of her. I guess you can't keep an evil incinerated devil baby that's been stabbed in the head with a survival knife down. Nami grabs up a shard of broken glass and stabs the zombie creature in the eye, causing it to fall out the window and become pulverized into ash against the sidewalk below.

Then it starts snowing in the room! I don't know why! Someone end this godawful diarrhea squirt of a movie, please!! What the hell is going on here? Why did Johnny Cash get up after his complete immolation? How did Kondou's girlfriend get impaled with 16-foot iron rails? Why didn't she bring a video camera to document these horrific occurrences like she said she would? WHY?!!

I couldn't actually make a clip of the movie's ending scene, so instead I thought I'd share the actual video of my own birth.
I think you'll find it very similar.

Nami wakes up on the hospital where some guy in a trench coat who could only be a detective says they found Evil Johnny Cash, but they couldn't find any sign of a horrible Demon Baby with an eight-foot penis. I guess you'd have noticed it if it was there. Nami goes back on the air to do her show, even though she came away with no video footage or photographs and nothing interesting whatsoever to put on the air. Isn't this movie over? Come on! One of the stage crew approaches Nami and hands her a small bundle wrapped in white cloth, saying that someone dropped it off for her. Nami unwraps the thing and finds Evil Johnny Cash's trademark Zippo lighter.

Suddenly she screams in pain, tearing off the bandage and ripping the front of her blouse open. She slumps against the wall in agony and grabbing at her throat when suddenly her stomach explodes like a grenade went off inside it!! Then another incendiary device detonates in her panties followed by a hilarious geyser of blood spraying nether-regions. Sweet fancy Moses, you cannot be serious, movie. Now you're just adding a twist ending for shits and giggles because there's no fucking way that she somehow got impregnated with the Demon Fetus' Doom Cock. This has to go down in history as one of the most nonsensical, absurd movie endings ever filmed. I mean worse than The Matrix Revolutions. Rosemary's Baby, you're needed on the set!

Anyway another Demon Baby claws its way out of her snatch screaming "Maaamaaaa!" And that's it. That's a cult classic in Japan. They made two sequels to this shit. People saw this and demanded more. The only sequel I ever want to see out of all this horse-hockey is a crossover battle between Doom Cock Baby and Tomie! Now that's a battle for the ages!

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