Friday The 13th Part VIII

The Spoony One | Apr 5 2009 | more notation(s) | 
Friday the 13th Part VIII

A Review by Noah Antwiler

He's back: the man behind the mask! And he's out of control!

Let's just get it out of the way right now; the Friday the 13th movies were never that good. Lacking the directorial inspiration that John Carpenter lent to the Halloween movies and the strong comic timing Robert Englund brought to the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, and the general disturbing slant of the Sleepaway Camp series, the chronicles of Jason Voorhees were at best an amusing highlight reel of creative kills by an absurdly strong individual. They remain niche classics as violence exploitation flicks and reliable teen titty movies. Friday the 13th like the Bond movies became the very definition of formula movies with the added benefit you basically don't need a script to shoot a Jason movie. Hockey masked jumpsuit stalks and massacres stupid people with a machete.

Hey, I'm not judging. I like tits, and the early movies were decent summer camp abattoir pics. There's something to be said about a reliably campy franchise that you might take a date to or get some chuckles riffing 'em MST3K-style at home. What's important to remember is that Friday movies with the exception of the first two weren't meant to be scary. Mama Voorhees and the early Jason were sort of scary because they were ultimately human opponents with somewhat believable motivations. Later on you were just meant to accept Jason as a faceless indestructible stalker with preternatural upper-body strength and watch him butcher people in classic Itchy & Scratchy form. It sort of makes my argument that gore horror is a failed, dead genre that people only watch for the "That's gotta hurt" reaction. There's nothing we haven't seen before vomited up from the drooling maw of hell. The makers of these movies realize this fairly early on, which is why you'll notice most of the killing Jason does anymore is played for laughs instead of scares. At least Michael Myers played on the real niggling fear teenage girls had of some burly fucker bursting into the house late at night while everyone's asleep and doing horrible things to them. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre played on our very real fear of inbred crackers. Child's Play was just stupid. Seed of Chucky? Grow up.

Jason's head got really lumpy at some point. I don't know when that happened but it's really weird when his face actually envelops the hockey mask,
isn't it?

What kind of fear was Jason supposed to instill? A fear of hockey goalies? I admit a certain uneasiness around Canadian people, but that's more of a fear of their unnatural politeness and a tickling suspicion of their oddly sensible yet poorly-executed social programs. Michael Myers I understood. Nobody wants to confront a knife-wielding Uber-Shatner. He made a whole movie in Esperanto. Esperanto for chrissakes!

Point is, they all pretty much suck but in that "ha ha" way, not that "reeds under the fingernails" way. Not so with the eighth entry in the series, arguably the worst, inarguably the most despised of the Friday the 13th series, Jason Takes Manhattan: a low-budget, crummy little pimple of a movie made by a studio dropping a franchise they knew to be on its last legs. Honestly, how many movies about a giant retard killing annoying people at a summer camp can you make? The answer is twelve, but Paramount didn't know that at the time. Director Ron Hedder managed to secure one last try by posing the question "hey, what if we made the same movie, only we change the location to an urban one?" A psycho killer in New York? He'll fit right in!

But greater even than the undying wrath of Jason is the eternal peckerheadedness of the MPAA, which hamstrung this movie from the beginning by limiting the level of violence and gore allowed to keep its R-rating. A couple of the kills in Part VIII certainly are iconic of the series, but by and large this one was uninspired and boring, with many kills being blah, ho-hum, and off-camera. Couple that with crippling budgetary limitations, a script that was considered insipid even by Friday the 13th standards, and worst of all, a story that betrays the limited mythos of the Jason character completely, and you've got one of the most hated Jason movie ever. And that's even taking into consideration Friday the 13th Part V, which didn't even have Jason in it, and Jason X, a self-parodying ass-blockage of a movie whose only selling point was Jason...IN SPACE! That's not Friday the 13th Part 10, or even Jason 10, it's Jason Ex. That's "X" as in "Excrement." Because kids are too stupid to comprehend Roman numerals.

So here it is. The hand grenades I jump on for you people. I suffer for my art, I really do.

The first few shots of the movie are probably library footage of New York City - but more on that later. Suffice to say for now there's a reason this movie is derisively dubbed Jason Takes the Love Boat. Immediately some bad 80s pop wafts out of my speakers. And when I say bad, I mean fucking bad. The kind of power ballad trash that was cranked out by the truckload along with bad fusion jazz that sounds like something Night Ranger would wipe their wipe their spooge up with. You know, the kind of stuff they'd play in strip clubs in old Chuck Norris movies? Heavy on the sleaze saxophone and Kenny G-like vocals straining out generic lyrics like "we gotta hold on to this feelin'." Speaking over this drivel is some kind of narrator who must think he's Johnny Cash or some fuckin' thing:

"We live in Claustrophobia, a land of steel and concrete trapped by the dark waters. There is no escape, nor do we want it. We've come to thrive on it and each other. You can't get the adrenaline pumping without the terror, good people! I love this town."

My name's Friday. I carry a badge. This isn't Escape from New York, jackpipe. Why are you talking about escape if nobody wants it? There are plenty of ways out of New York. Ugh.

Anyway, we get some shots that might actually have been filmed in New York of various ruffians who are posing as super-tough New York gang members. The kind of guys in sleeveless vests and wifebeaters, wearing distressed denim jeans and way too much flannel that you'd see fighting the Ninja Turtles. Some of them are wearing studded leather jackets and mohawks, and of course there isn't a black person in sight. This is clearly Canada. Another shot shows someone in a coat getting mugged in Crime Alley (because this is New York!). The muggers split the cash and throw the wallet into a steaming vat of what can only be toxic waste, occupied by a cute little rat lounging on the edge of the barrel. Another shot shows a bustling greasy spoon cafe. About five things leap out at me immediately, so let me turn to me tele-strator for a quick play-by-play!

I think Mr. Miyagi is looking right at me...

What do you want, good photoshopping? You're gettin' this for free ya know!

Anyway after more of the abusive butt-grunge rock anthem and about a minute of staring at a guy cooking his heroin on a spoon, the scene cuts to a wide shot of the Statue of Liberty. We really are shooting this movie in New York! We swear! Tons and tons of New York in this movie. We didn't shoot 90% of this movie in Vancouver! No sir! Gobs and gobs of New York comin' up!

Bam, it's Crystal Lake. No really, Crystal Lake. In the water. We can see a fairly sizable boat drifting in the water. A teenage couple are busy making out and listening to the same crappy Manhattan radio station even though just thinking about this terrible music makes my nuts crawl back inside my body. How could anyone have any mojo listening to this? This music is so pussy even Duran Duran would feel compelled to kick this band's ass. Ugh. As the song wraps up, the host explains that the request came from someone at Crystal Lake, so don't bother firebombing the studio. Yes, someone actually requested that song. Some people even like Jane's Addiction. Sickies! The host gives a shout-out to the graduating class of Lakeview High.

"That's us!" says the girl.

"Awriiiiiiight!" grins the guy dopily. As if he forgot or something. Actually I doubt he was listening. She could have said just about anything while he was feeling up her boobs and he would have agreed with it instantly as long as it meant her clothes were about to hit the floor.

"Don, I think I smell gasoline." "Awriiiiight!"

The guy has desperately bad 1980s Joey Lawerence hair almost as effeminate as the girl he's busy snogging. Soon as he gets her top off, he says he needs to go outside and drop the anchor. I was beginning to think that was some kind of code that he desperately needs to take a crap (hey, it happens!), but he actually does go out and drop the boat anchor. Strange that the sight of your girlfriend naked reminds you that you need to drop something heavy and angular. He goes back inside and climbs into bed, just now realizing that "this is near that camp where all those murders took place." Yeah genius, about 70 of them. I'm amazed the place isn't cordoned off and declared a no man's land. It's only the site of the largest American mass-murder in history, something that would dominate documentaries and TV crime shows for decades to come. "Hey, isn't Camp Crystal Lake where all those murders took place?" You jackhole.

Wow, he really grew into a big boy underwater. Must be good eating down there.

Hilariously, the girlfriend asks "what murders?" You gotta be kidding me. The guy tells her that she doesn't want to know, but she presses the issue. Eventually he unwinds the yarn that should have been part of the national consciousness by now, Jason's killed so many people. Jason Voorhees drowned in the lake while the camp counselors were off screwing each other silly. Mrs. Voorhees went on the warpath and tried to kill them all but someone decapitated her with an axe. So Jason returns as a perpetual boogeyman to get revenge for his mom's death. Only the flashback we see of a young Jason drowning shows a perfectly normal young boy doing a terrible acting job. Come on, kid, you're drowning. The best you can do is some half-hearted dog-paddling and monotonous "Help. Help. Help." Even worse is that Jason was meant to be a deformed and mentally-challenged kid. Whoops! Way to fuck up the character back-story, Joey.

While he's explaining the story, the boat anchor rakes along the bottom of the lake. It snags some huge power cable that's down there for...hell, I don't know. It's a huge power cable. And conveniently, the power cable lays right across Jason's corpse. You might remember in last movie, a telepathic chick rammed Jason's head into the prop of a motorboat's trolling motor and sank him to the bottom of the lake wrapped in a chain. As if the police wouldn't have dredged his big dead ass up and chopped him into Chiclets, then burned the bloody twitching Chiclets, then shot the ashes into the sun in a giant rocket. But he's laying down there with a power cable running right up his crotch when the anchor ruptures the cord, electrocuting Jason back to life.

It's basically a rip-off of one of his previous resurrections where he gets hit by lightning, but really, do any of Jason's resurrections make any sense? I've seen him decapitated, shot, burned, drowned, exploded, everything. You can't really keep the guy down, and the reason for his immortality has never been adequately explained. Why does electrocution bring him back? I don't know. Why does he stay down for so long after getting his face mauled in a boat propeller? I can't really explain any of the lingering injuries he's sustained over the movies (like the missing eye which supposedly rotted out), nor is there any point in trying. He just sorta wakes up, stretches his arms and thinks "Oh MAN that was a hell of a nap. Well, back to killin'!"

Little Suzi notices that her boyfriend's been gone a while, so she wanders around the cabin looking for him until he emerges wearing a hockey mask and stabs her with a fake gimmick knife. Nobody laughs. "Okay, so I'm a major ass," he admits. At least you know what you're about to die, ace. Jason vaults unseen onto the deck and can't believe his good fortune to find a brand-new hockey mask just laying around. Neither can I, really. He straps it on and finds a spiffy new harpoon gun, not bothering to ask what this kid could possibly need with a harpoon gun in Crystal Lake. Suzi and her boyfriend are in the middle of some pale, floundering coitus on the bed when Jason steps into the room, poses with the harpoon gun like Jules in Pulp Fiction just long enough for Suzi to see him and scream a warning. Jason fires the gun and...misses? Undeterred, Jason just steps forward and gores the boyfriend in the gut with the harpoon gun itself, then rips it out with his small intestines (really fakey looking ones too) wrapped around the end like spaghetti. Suzi's flight reflex kicks in quickly and she dodges out the window. Jason plucks the harpoon out of the wall and steps outside to look for her.

Okay, now survival question. You're on a sixty-footer just off the coast of Crystal Lake, basically a pleasure yacht with a single sleeping cabin. A seven-foot wild-eyed maniac kicks in the door and kills your boyfriend with a harpoon gun. You crawl out the window on the deck. Where do you go?

If you answered "I jump off the goddamn boat and swim for shore," you'd be absolutely right? Guess what Suzi does. Yup, she stuffs herself in a storage compartment on the front of the boat-- the only other enclosed part of the boat. It doesn't take long for Jason to circle the boat, see the hatch, open it up and shake his head in derision before he rams the harpoon into her heart. Dumb broad.

The next day, we're still near Crystal Lake, but now there's a cruise ship pulled into a rickety old harbor. A cruise ship? Near Crystal Lake? Really? I'm supposed to buy that? "Come and join Carnival Cruise Lines as we tour the North American east coast with stops in New York! Newfoundland! Crystal Lake, murder capital of the world!"

"Young lady, I will not tolerate any back
talk. Now report to the judo range!"

We meet young Rennie Supervirgin about to head out on the ship. Her companion, whom I assumed to be her mother gives her a pen as a graduation gift which she claims was used by Stephen King in high school. Doubtful, but if true, how in the hell did you get it? eBay? She tells Rennie that she's the best student she ever had, and she deserves it. Whoa. I'm getting all sorts of weird and inappropriate sexy lesbian vibes here. What's her English teacher doing driving her to a cruise ship and giving her expensive antique gifts? I don't know, but I would pay all sorts of money for hot lesbian classroom flashbacks right now. "Damn it Rennie, how many times have I told you to avoid adverbs? They're the mark of a lazy author!" "I'm sorry, teacher...I've been bad. I'm a bad author." "You're not sorry enough, Rennie. Bend over."

*ahem* Sorry...sort of went off in my own headspace there. The teacher, Connie, approaches the gangplank and meets perennial asshole character actor Peter Richman! You may remember him from such movies as Agent From H.A.R.M. and Bonanza: The Next Generation! He's a big TV actor who usually plays smarmy loathsome upper-crust dickheads who want Banacek DEAD. In this movie he's playing Mr. Comeuppance, the film's biggest douchebag we desperately want to see get sodomized with a machete. Good casting, actually.

Connie the Teacher walks up and immediately Charles Comeuppance cops an attitude, saying "since this was your idea I thought you might show up on time." Dickhead. Then he proceeds to whine about how two students didn't show up for roll call. Connie says they're probably at the free clinic getting the battery of tests social workers have come to refer to as "The Panic Button." Rennie Supervirgin starts to head up the gangplank, and Charles has a problem with this too. He asks what the hell she's doing here, with all sorts of shit-for-brains bluster about "I'm her legal guardian" and "I know what's best for her" and "I'm an incredible tool," and "conversation OVER!" I almost expect him to start putting people on double-secret probation.

On the bridge of the cruise ship (called the Lazarus), the "Admiral" turns command of the ship over to his son Sean. This kid doesn't worry me as much as his vapid friend does, with his perpetual doofus expression of a guy constantly trying to work in a "69" joke to every given conversation and his unmanageable Luke Skywalker hair helmet.

Might I suggest NOT appointing Gilligan over there first mate?

The Admiral-- just what is he an admiral of, anyway?-- gives Sean an antique sextant as well as a modern handheld navigation gizmo. The first mate asks him if he's thought of a plan of departure yet. Sean clearly hasn't, but he looks into the scope and blusters out a plan that amounts to "uhhh, just turn that way and go forward!" The Admiral gets a crestfallen look on his face that says "good lord, I've spawned the village idiot." He reminds Sean to blow the cool ship's horn and send out an international maritime signal. Sean spazzes out, stuffs the priceless sextant into his idiot friend's arms and storms off the bridge. Overreact much?

Jason meanwhile is climbing up the anchor chain. Why the subtlety, Jase? Just walk up the gangplank! You've got more victims than you know what to do with!

Sean heads down the stairs and runs into some crusty deck swab who stops what he's doing and looks square in his eyes to tell him "This voyage is doomed!" What an odd thing to say. He must not be on the courtesy staff. The ship pulls away from the dock and the movie assaults me with yet another horrible, horrible 80s pop tune. Want to hear some of the lyrics? No? Too fucking bad. Try this on for size: "I can't see through the mist. Why can you not see? Don't say what you're wanting me to be! Don't say this to me!" What the hell are they singing about? Was all music of the 80s this stupid? Did we just give Wang Chung and everyone like them a free pass?

The graduating class of Lakeview High assembles on deck to wave goodbye to their assembled loved ones, only there's a small problem:

THIS IS THE ENTIRE GRADUATING CLASS!

Four people? We didn't plan this one out very well, did we?

Actually there are a lot more people on the ship, but the number fluctuates wildly between shots. In some shots there are lots of students dancing to the vomitous soundtrack, but there's no use tracking exactly how many of them there are. In a few shots you can see people skeet shooting or playing shuffleboard, and mere seconds later there's nobody on deck, nor can you hear the sound of rifle fire anywhere else on the ship. Get used to this sort of continuity. It gets worse.

Sean watches an amorous couple make out on the now-empty deck and finds Rennie Supervirgin and her pet dog. Sean says he didn't think she was coming. Rennie says they changed their minds. Sean pets the dog and then remembers that he brought her a present: a chintzy pendant of the Statue of Liberty! So...you didn't think she was coming but you got her a present? How were you going to get it to her? Whatever.

Mr. Comeuppance comes down to break up their awkward silence and tells Sean to get lost while he finds new ways to make Rennie's life hell. He asks her what she's trying to prove, and that he ought to turn this ship around and drop her back on shore. Rennie insists that she has to face her fears, but Mr. Comeuppance tries to soothe her by saying "facing your fears doesn't mean you'll be able to conquer them." Give into fear, Rennie! Live your life alone and afraid of all human contact. Join us. JOIN US!


TELEPORTING JASON KILL #1 - Jason may be a psycho killer but I applaud his taste in music.

It's also around this time we meet JJ, a Joan Jett poser who likes to air guitar with her new real guitar to taped music, and Wayne the A/V nerd who's apparently filming a profoundly shitty documentary about...something. JJ's got that classic 80s big hair like you only have nightmares about, the kind that requires a six-pack of Aqua Net to maintain an hour. Wayne says something about filming some footage for a girl he's got no chance whatsoever of getting in the sack (if you saw him you'd understand). JJ shrugs and goes below decks into the cavernous engine room and marvels that it would be a killer place to shoot a rock video-- or the end to a Highlander movie. She plunks a cassette tape into her boombox and starts to totally rock out to music that nobody should ever totally rock out to. Ever. And I'm a big proponent of taking the time to rock. Jason appears at the top of the stairs and plunks down towards JJ methodically in that classic "I'm in no hurry" slasher walk. JJ turns around and sees him, makes the right choice in screaming, ditching the guitar and running away. She scurries down the stairs away from him and...runs right into Jason who dashes her brains out with her own guitar.

Yeah. That's the one thing I neglected to mention until now. One of the major reasons that this movie is so universally despised is that in this movie...well how do I put it..Jason teleports. He teleports a lot. I'm not kidding. Watch that clip. He just materializes directly in front of JJ even though she sprints away from him at a full run, and he somehow managed to collect her electric guitar on the way. That's just not playing fair.

Still, he shut off the music so I can't complain too much.

I also have to question how Jason is able to move so freely around the ship, being a seven-foot behemoth in a sopping jumpsuit that's contained his rotting carcass for so long it must smell like a wet roadkilled skunk. What with all the "people" partying on the ship and all. Who have now conveniently vanished. The sun explodes too, because the next thing you know it's the dead of night and Jason is plodding around openly on the deck looking for more annoying people to abuse. Oh and by the way: khee khee khee khee, khaa khaa khaa khaa... Rennie Supervirgin is writing with her Stephen King Pen +2 when she decides that she ought to be having fun and changes into something more festive. Two things about this: you kinda-sorta see her undress, but all you see is her bra: the unsexiest possible set of giant grandma brassieres imaginable. Two: her idea of festive wear is to dress like Marie Osmond on a variety show. She "senses" Jason approaching and looks out the porthole. Suddenly she starts to hallucinate a vision of Non-Deformed Kid Jason drowning through the glass. Even more strangely, her dog seems to see it too and runs out the door. Mmmmmkay.

Wayne the A/V Nerd runs into Mr. Comeuppance somewhere in the halls. He asks where Rennie is. Um, have you tried her room, genius? MC says that she's late for senior predictions, whatever those are. Wayne says that maybe some people don't want her future predicted. MC says in Wayne's case that's probably true. Sick burn!

Elsewhere, two young ladies are rubbernecking on an amateur boxing match going on below-decks. Some athletic black guy is completely pounding the shit out of a pathetic white guy who subscribes to the Rocky Balboa school of fighting that says one should defeat their opponents by letting them get tired mercilessly wailing on one's face. It's not working out for this guy. The blonde tweaks her nipples and coos that Julius is the only senior that she'd "do it" with. Right. By "do it" she means that she'd give him back-door. The kind of skanky chick that doesn't consider a blowjob anything personal-- certainly nothing official. On cue, some studly Mr. Fix-It right out of every cable repairman porno ever made wanders past and that brings her to attention. She tells her friend, a foxy lookin' Kelly Hu to "look sensual," which to Blondie is to pant like a coyote in heat and dry hump a pole. No doubt if you asked her, Blondie would say that he's the only mechanic she'd do it with. Blondie decides she's not trashy enough and declares that "nighttime is the right time," to pound a couple nails of cocaine.

Cocaine? Uh oh!

DEATH ALERT!! DEATH ALERT!!

Why not strap a fucking siren to your head? Don't you know Jason can innately sense nookie, drugs, and booze? You fool! She tries to tempt Kelly Hu into snorting the blow but Kelly isn't sure. She says if they get caught she could lose her science scholarship! Blondie says that she's the prom queen and that somehow she'd never let herself get caught. Don't do it Kelly! You can still be saved!

A beer wench from the local Oktoberfest festival called - she wants her wardrobe back.

Thankfully Rennie Supervirgin arrives and saves Kelly from certain disaster. She's just looking for her dog and leaves the ladies to their own devices. Mr. Comeuppance sneaks into the room verrrry slowly using a Jason POV shot and confronts them, asking if they're taking drugs. As if they're going to say yes. "Well you missed out on the quaaludes but we're about to break out the hookah..." He tells Blondie that he'll be coming to her room in 15 minutes and she'd better have her biology project ready or *gasp* he'll be phoning her parents! That bastard! Damn you, Principal Dingleberry! Once he's gone, Blondie says that he can handle it, but she thinks Rennie narked on them and seems to be hatching a nasty plan to get even using her well-known fear of water! Ooooh catfight!

Elsewhere, some anonymous guy climbs into the sauna room, stretches out on a bench, and drapes a towel over his face. It's the same guy Julius beat up in the boxing match. Jason enters the room and the guy says "Nice fight Julius. Guess I need to work on my left-right-left combo." No, you need to get out of the sport of boxing altogether, you no-talent bum. Julius slapped you around like a Puerto Rican crack ho that owed him money. Jason grabs up one of the sauna stones and rams it into his gut. Um, OWNED much? This is what happens when you get stoned in a Jason flick. (*ducks the incoming flurry of rotten vegetables*) I have to admit that was pretty inspired. Nice one!

Rennie Supervirgin gave up looking for her dog, I guess, and is strolling with Connie the Teacher having a chat when Blondie comes charging out of the darkness and shoulder tackles Rennie overboard like she was Bill Goldberg. Then she throws her hands up and exclaims that it was an accident. "Honest! Kelly and I were playing...uh...we were running deep routes on the foredeck with this Nerf football! Yeah!" I hereby dub her Evil Blondie! Man, that's just mean! That's mean, man!

Rennie starts to drown and is wholly unable to reach a life preserver thrown three feet away. She starts to hallucinate that Non-Deformed Kid Jason has latched onto her ankle and is pulling her under. For those of you keeping an eye on continuity, there's a guy in a blue shirt in the background who gets beamed up to the mothership between edits. I like to imagine Jason running around the corner and abducting him real fast while nobody's looking. Sean dives in the water and saves her. Mr. Comeuppance is there bang on time to snark that Connie's doing a real good job watching the students and tells her and Sean to stay away from Rennie. Ooooooh it's gonna be so sweet when Jason kills you, Dondelinger!

Comeuppance Man runs into Doomsaying Swabbie who blocks their path up the stairs to say "He's come back, and you're all gonna die!" See, this is pretty much the first thing they teach you not to say when you're training to be the ship activities coordinator. "Okay, we've got shuffleboard over there, we have a delightful buffet and we have jet ski rides to the aft and WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!" Listen, headcheese, if you've got a problem why not see...oh, I don't know...the Admiral? The guy in charge? Why would you bother guests about it? Shut up and muck the deck, asshat.

We all have those less-than-fresh days.

Rennie goes into the bathroom to gather her wits and she's perfectly dry! She was in the water not two minutes ago. She decides to wash her hands (?) and starts to hallucinate that the water from the faucet turns to blood. I'm beginning to think our darling Rennie may be a liiiiiiiittle kuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. She naturally freaks out at the sight of so much blood on her hands, and when the mirror glows and a Deformed Kid Jason (Jason Kidd?) leaps out to grab her by the throat it doesn't help her fragile state of mind. Then it goes away. Get back on the meds, Rennie.

Mr. Comeuppance follows through with his threat to check up on Evil Blondie and her biology project. I thought they'd graduated already but even if not, how lame is it to have a major biology paper due the same week as your mega-awesome cruise trip to New York? It's like when Mrs. Montgomery in English Lit. assigns you a term paper on the fucking Grapes of Wrath over spring break. It's totally bogus, man. Like I'm gonna read Steinbeck poolside. Evil Blondie works a seduction routine on ol' MC, showing a rather well-done airbrushed anatomy chart on her body that she couldn't have done herself. And before you get all excited: no titties, no ass, strictly PG-13 lingerie. MC blusters and stammers something about "By golly I'll put you on suspension, I will!" while Blondie pushes him on the bed and starts dry-humping him. "And just see if I don't!" he continues while Wayne the A/V Nerd nabs the choice footage on his video camera. With her blackmail material intact, Blondie sends Mr. Comeuppance packing. She's so, like, evil! You know she's meat.

Wayne lamely makes a pass at her, but she tells him she'd love to go out on a date with him only she has standards. That's our Wayne, used by women then crumpled up and thrown away like a soggy Kleenex.

Evil Blondie hops in the shower. Not again!!

DEATH ALERT!! DEATH ALERT!!

Drugs AND a shower in the same movie? Baby you done pushed your luck too far. And no, even for a shower scene involving the school VD alert you see nothing. If I can't effectively objectify women in a Friday the 13th movie what have I got left? She steps out of the shower (perfectly dry from head to toe, I might add) and puts on a bathrobe (noooo!). Jason punches through the door, rips her robe off (yayyyy!) although you never see anything good (boooo!) and throws her face-first into the vanity mirror (yayyyy!). Evil Blondie loses all power to walk and instead withers in the corner trying to remember how her legs work while Jason fishes a shard of the mirror out of the sink and murders her with it just as the camera cuts to an exterior shot. A routine stabbing in a Jason movie? And off-camera? What kind of lame slasher kill is that? Boo! I was feeling pretty good after the sauna stone kill and you follow up with this weak cheese?


TELEPORTING JASON KILL #2 - Has Jason spent the last ten years honing his Ninja stealth techniques? Like a fart, he's silent but deadly...

The weather started getting rough; the tiny ship was tossed. It starts to rain heavily outside as Jason outfits himself with a king-sized harpoon. khee khee khee khee, khaa khaa khaa khaa... The Admiral and First Mate Carlson activate the stabilizers. The Admiral goes to check on something-or-other which gives Jason time to plod onto the bridge and perform another routine, bloodless stabbing on Carlson with the harpoon. See, this would have been a good time to sodomize him with the huge spear, really jam a six-foot length of metal up a guy's ass and let him decorate the prow of the ship like some grisly homage to Vlad the Impaler. But no, just your average stabby-stabby. The Admiral comes back upstairs saying something inane about how all the lifeboats downstairs are still there (as if someone would steal them or something) when he sees Carlson splayed on the other stairwell with a spear in his back. Jason teleports behind him and slashes his throat with the blunt side of a machete. Where did he come from? He couldn't have made it through the door that quickly and the Admiral had just come up the stairs. And notice that even as he uses the wrong side of the blade, the weapon never actually touches his throat. Genius!

Sean leads Rennie up to the bridge so that they can call the Coast Guard to pick her up, as if the Coast Guard doesn't have anything better to do than ferry around spazzing bimbos who need valium. Jason's taken the time to arrange the Admiral in a humorous pose slumped over the helm control. Sean grabs the radio and gets a moronic look on his face as his brain desperately tries to access whatever that stuff is you're supposed to say when you're on a boat and you're in trouble...help us...Macy's Day...Heyday?

He also calls everyone up to the bridge on the ship intercom, and suddenly there are about a quarter of the people on this ship that are supposed to be here. With the Admiral and Carlson dead, there's no crew left on a cruise ship? You're telling me the highest-ranking member of the crew is the psychotic paranoid Swabbie, and he's not even here? Tell Connie to fire her travel agent. Sean finally manages to get the Coast Guard on the line just as Jason finds the antenna on the deck of the ship and rips it apart. He may be a brain-damaged freak but he knows to cut the enemy's lines of communications!

Psycho Swabbie runs upstairs just as I was wondering where he'd gone. A million points if you can guess what he says.

Oh Jesus Christ. Y'know what, Popeye?
We can handle this.
Like a broken record with this freakshow...

This dude seriously needs to find himself in a cabin somewhere and write menacing letters to Scarlett Johansson. Finally Mr. Comeuppance says he's more inclined to believe a sociopathic deckhand killed all these people than some re-animated corpse and chases him off with something pointy. Thank goodness for that. Julius the Token Black Guy gets the bright idea that they should find Jason before he finds them. Yeah...you go do that, Julius. I'll be rear-guard. MC gives the predictable "Young man, I'm in charge here!" speech but it's pretty clear everyone would follow the pro-active belligerent meathead in this war on terror instead of some waffling priss who'd rather cut and run. Most of the students filter out to follow Julius' new crack team of Jasonbusters. MC sighs and asks where Rennie is. My god, man, if you want to keep tabs on Rennie so much you might as well stick Lojack in her ass. Sean mumbles that she's gone off to drop the anchors.

Why did Sean need to tell me she was dropping the anchors? Did they forget to shoot a pick-up where Rennie says "I think I'll go drop the anchors?" And what kind of idiot is Sean to let anyone wander off alone when there's unquestionably a killer loose on the ship? Grr! Movie hurts BRAIN!

Rennie is, of course, dropping off the anchor. It's amazing to me that she knows how to do this because the extent of my nautical knowledge is how to tie a bow knot. There's a lengthy POV shot of someone creeping up on Rennie, eyeing a nearby fire axe lustfully before Rennie turns around and...it's Mr. Comeuppance! This is the second time the movie's done the whole Jason's POV Fakeout trick and it's turned out to be MC. Why would he move so slowly and startle Rennie by standing two feet behind her and breathing heavily? He stops her from lowering the anchor any farther and tells her not to listen to numbnuts Sean, and what sense does it make to lower anchor in a storm? Um, lots?


TELEPORTING JASON KILL #3 - If she whipped out Lady Deathstrike claws and battled Jason, this could have been the greatest movie EVER.

Kelly Hu runs over to check on Evil Blondie only to find her slashed-up body in the bathroom. She staggers out of her bedroom and sees Jason hulking in a nearby doorway, so she runs over to the ship's disco where the bad fusion music is cranked up to 11 24/7! She stands in the middle of the dance floor and quickly becomes disoriented from the awful tunes. She tries to find an escape from the room but oddly all the doors are locked tight. Jason shoulders open the doors and proceeds to teleport all over the frigging room. Kelly looks left, he's there. She looks right, he's there. She looks straight ahead, Jason's there too. What, did Jason's mutant X-gene get activated and he has Nightcrawlers ability to bamf all over the place? Just walk up and kill her you big clod! What are you doing, just trying to screw with her head? Kelly turns another way and...loses him? Then she looks all over the room and he's gone. How do you just not see a guy Kane Hodder's size? It's a small room and there's no place to hide unless he vaulted over the bar.

Then BAM! He teleports right next to her and chokes her to death. Sorry Kelly. You should have listened to me about the drugs, but oh no, you had to be COOL didn't you? Let this be a lesson: crack is whack.

I also really must comment on the feeble kill here. Manual strangulation, Jason? You can do better than that and you know it. I mean there was a disco ball not a yard away and you couldn't think of something creative to do with that? Continuity watch: no matter how high he lifts Kelly towards the ceiling, shots of her kicking feet remain at the same height. Saw this kind of thing in Judge Dredd too.

Julius & The Jasonbusters hold their first meeting and pool whatever weapons they've managed to scavenge from around the ship. It amounts to a bunch of hand tools, some fire axes, and a pair of pump-action shotguns. Ah. Yeah. The shotguns are where you lost me. I guess the Admiral wanted to be ready in case Newfie pirates attacked. Someone asks Julius which weapon he's taking and he gets a mean Dirty Harry look about him. "Nothin'" he growls, then hesitates and adds "except this gun." Then he racks the action on the shotgun because that's always cool and it's a great punctuation to almost any sentence.

"Avon calling." *chik-CHAK!*

"Paper or plastic?" *chik-CHAK!*

They tool up and then each go off alone to search the ship for Jason. Julius bro, your plan sucks. Wayne the A/V geek manages to snag one of the shotguns and starts poking around the engine room calling out for JJ. All this time he's trying to juggle his stupid camera in one hand and heft the shotgun in the other but his wrists are too weak to do either. A blast of steam strikes him from a nearby steam-blasting pipe, causing him to thrash away in pain and lose his Coke bottle glasses. Now half blind and fumbling in the dark, he goes about six seconds before he manages to splatter someone all over the engine room with friendly fire. He sticks the camera to his face and focuses the lens until he realizes grimly that he just jackhammered Friendly Porno Fix-It Man with 12-gauge buckshot. Maybe we shouldn't have given the deadly firearm to the chess club nerd who has trouble reading the E on a vision chart.

Jason clomps into view as if to say "how much do YOU suck?" Wayne drops the shotgun and runs for his life, accidentally happening upon JJ's corpse. She's had her brains dashed out with an electric guitar, and while he's examining her body Jason grabs him by the scruff of the neck and hurls him into a nearby control board. Apparently being thrown into common industrial control panels is ludicrously dangerous because Wayne bursts into flames and is electrocuted messily into twisted cinders. It's possible Wayne discovers his mutant powers and becomes the Human Torch because his pants actually are set ablaze a half-second before he hits anything. I'm also not sure whether or not to call this a Jason Teleportation kill because he does get Wayne from behind, but on the other hand there's almost no way Jason could have snuck up on him on those metal gratings, clunking heavily down those stairs unheard. I suppose he had enough time to walk that distance. I'm going to allow it. Maybe Wayne can't hear without his glasses.

Mr. Comeuppance returns to the bridge. Connie asks her if he managed to find Rennie. A relatively straightforward and pertinent question; let's see if he can respond like a complete asshat!

"She's locked safely in her room, no thanks to either of you!" He's still got it! Everyone's so used to his bad attitude they just let it roll off their backs. No point in pointing out he never asked for anyone's help in tracking Rennie down or making sure she's safe. Best to let him snipe away from the shadows without giving him more things to bitch about. Frustrated that no one will spar with him verbally, MC whines about Sean. "What the hell good are you? He's the son of a captain for chrissakes!" Sean plunks away on his navigation gizmo and finally announces that they're back on course. Were they ever off course? Bleh. Now officially out of things to gripe about, MC quivers in uncertainty. His head starts to tremble uncontrollably, racking his brain for something, anything to be negative about. Hurry! About...to...blow! He thinks of something at last! "GOOD!" he says, negating the compliment by making the word sound like it was an involuntary grunt from a man savagely kicked in the balls by Henry Rollins.

Jason has found a comfortable place to relax and watch Wayne burn. Wayne evidently bathed nightly in gel-ignite and wore flash-paper jeans because he's going up fast! Jason spots a fire alarm panel and pushes the button. Well that was awfully nice of him!


TELEPORTING JASON KILL #4 - Poor Dillhole. He died without a name in a pose most likely to make the coroner spew his coffee out his nose.

Mr. Comeuppance snarls in inarticulate anger and grabs a flare gun, growling that he's going to put an end to Psycho Swabbie once and for all! First the crazy man starts scaring people by telling everyone that Jason Voorhees is on the ship, now he's setting off phony fire alarms in an attempt to cause panic! Surely the rational thing to do is to blast him in the face with a flare gun.

Outside in the storm we see Complete Dillhole (Sean's friend on the bridge from the beginning of the movie) pacing the upper deck with a fire axe in his hand. Jason plonks around the corner and stands there breathing heavily, sorta letting him feel his presence behind him instead of just snapping his neck. Dillhole spins around-- I think he actually hears the kill kill kill kill, die die die die sound-- and tries to thwack him with the axe but Jason catches the clumsy chop easily and throws the axe over the side. Dillhole takes flight down the stairs, rounds the corner, and HOLY CRAP!! Jason's there! Damn you, Teleporting Jason! Dillhole, confronted with an implacable foe capable of warping space and time does the only rational thing: he climbs the mast-- or whatever you call the tall pole-like structure on a motorized ship that doesn't really require a mast to hold a sail. Anyway, he climbs it like a frightened monkey until BAMF! Jason appears right on his ass and throws him off the top of the mast, impaling him on some antennae far below. Cheater! It's not fair, I tell you!

Julius notices the fire axe thunk dangerously into the deck at his feet and knows something's up. He shoulders his shotgun and stalks around the side of the ship, commando-style until he looks up and sees Dillhole splayed across the antenna array in a chiropractically-improbable position. But alas, he takes too long gawking at the dead body and Jason flings him bodily into the ocean.

He's performing the rare "Inverse Riddick," a 9.7 on the difficulty scale.
  

Rennie paces nervously in her cabin and leans against the wall and leans against the wall near a porthole. She'd better be careful, the last time she spent too much time lingering near one of those it became some trippy hallucinatory extradimensional portal showing you a historically-inaccurate vision of a young Jason Voorhees! Oh no! She starts seeing Non-Deformed Jason Kid on the other side of her bed! Then the REAL Jason headbutts through the porthole glass and grabs at her throat even though he had no way of seeing her inside the room and certainly no way of knowing that she'd be leaning against the wall just to the side of the window. Maybe the hallucinatory Jason Kid is tipping him off.

Rennie searches desperately for a weapon and gets lucky! She stabs Jason right in the eye with her enchanted Stephen King Pen +2! Now things are really picking up! Sean runs into the room and...Jason's wandered off. Great.

Connie leads some students into the disco where...Kelly Hu's body is missing. Huh.

The Agent From H.A.R.M. stalks the kitchen for...some reason because Psycho Swabbie might as well be here as anywhere. Swabbie jumps out of the shadows, shoulder checks him into a counter, waves a knife at him, and runs off! Weird.

The tiny ship gets tossed even more! Rennie and Sean are headed to the engine room. Sean says that water is getting into the engines, Flaming Wayne has exploded the power room, and to cap it all off another alarm goes off. Sean says that they'd better get everyone off the ship just as the engine room door flies open, releasing a torrent of water that floods the corridor. Where did all this water come from? The ship isn't rocking all that much from the camera angles were getting. It's not like the ship has capsized or anything. They stagger back abovedecks and into the craggy puss of Mr. Comeuppance who roars that this is all Sean's fault! Connie hurries into the scene and, well, it's all her fault too! She booked this damn field trip! And who else can I blame? Argh!!

Connie says she lowered a lifeboat and left everyone else in the disco. Which has now flooded. Oops. No point in checking on them though! It accounts for all those nameless students and nonexistent crew members we never met, I guess. Mr. Comeuppance leads the charge to the lifeboats where they stop short at the sight of Psycho Swabbie staggering from a stabbing. Say THAT 3 times fast! MC doesn't realize this, of course, spits out "son of a bitch" and aims his flare gun at him like Murtaugh blowing away the ambassador to South Africa-- No way you live, no way...And the gun won't fire. Well that was a wasted opportunity. The Swabbie collapses with a fire axe buried in his spine.

This reminds me of The Fly.

They hurry down the ladder to a lifeboat, where the water is calmer than the deep end of a YMCA pool on geriatric water-aerobics night. It's supposed to be storming and they couldn't bother to agitate the water even a little bit? My bathtub is more dangerous than this. Anyway they all pile into the rowboat just as Jason materializes at the top of the ladder. And isn't it neat that you can see the rain grid over Jason's head? I think so! They start to row away when Julius flops into the boat. He was probably safer than anyone else treading water in the perfectly safe, level ocean with no waves whatsoever.

Fade into another scene where the kids are rowing fiercely to battle the raging ocean! Actually they're rowing as slowly as they can in completely still waters with a half-dozen fog machines belching smoke like the forges of Barad-dur to disguise the fact this is a swimming pool on a sound stage. Mr. Comeuppance (who, by the way, is doing fuck all to help row the boat) realizes he hasn't been a complete shithead in hours and snarks "Well captain, I hope you can find shore soon. We certainly don't want to drown out here." I think someone just volunteered to be eaten first. Connie asks Sean if they have any idea where they are, so Sean puts down his oar and starts plunking on his electronic device. Julius in the meantime keeps rowing, which means the rowboat is now spinning in circles and nobody seems to realize it.

After several hours, everyone's pretty shagged out, so only Julius is awake enough to spot the Statue of Liberty. He wakes everyone up and tells them to get rowing, they're in New York! The director shows us lots of shots of Lady Liberty to prove that we really are in New York! Honest! See this historical landmark? It totally proves the next few scenes are in Manhattan and not Vancouver.

They tie off their boat at some grungy industrial wharf (but it's New York, don't worry!), their wardrobes looking absolutely clean and spotless with no signs of distress. They were just through a nor-easter and now they're totally dry. Mr. Comeuppance looks around and groans "A wonderful choice of places to dock a boat, Mr. Robertson." Just where in the hell would you liked him to have docked it, your lordship? I didn't exactly see you pick up a fucking oar that whole trip. Did you want us to stop by the Statue of Liberty gift shop and get yourself a giant foam hat or something? Fuckwad.

Jason climbs out of the water, not twenty seconds behind them. Clearly his swimming has improved since he drowned in Crystal Lake. Like, a lot.

They dash down an alley looking for a phone (still New York!) and they run right into a pair of muggers: a hispanic guy and a white guy doing his best to act like a hispanic guy. They take everyone's money and one of them politely asks Rennie Supervirgin for a date. She goes with him. White Hispanic Poser Mugger promises to have her home by midnight, but don't check before then or they'll blow her fucking head off. Comprende? Julius is all gung-ho to go rescue her, but Mr. Comeuppance tells them that they really should find the police for help. Then-- I can't believe this, I really can't-- he outlines the rest of his plan. This is it:

"Now look, I think we'll be more productive if we split up, okay?"

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING? Split up?? More productive at WHAT? You've already been mugged and you know Jason Voorhees is after you, and that's your plan? I didn't even want to watch this stupid movie in the first place and now you're just making it longer by running off in separate directions.

The muggers drag Rennie Supervirgin into an alley (affectionately referred to as "The Casbah"). Real Hispanic guy takes out a dirty syringe full of Arby's Horsey Sauce and tells her "relax baby, it'll feel lots better if you're stoned." Then he turns to his White Partner and says "Better slang us some more 'caine, JoJo. I only got half a load here." I don't think even he knows exactly what he just said, but it usually has something to do with getting more drugs so he goes. He sticks Rennie with the needle and shoots her up with the horsey sauce, a natural aphrodisiac. Jason saves us all the agony of this guy's acting by ramming the syringe through his torso. Another weak kill. White Poser Partner comes back around the corner explaining "I forgot my money homes!" He sees what Jason's done to his buddy and caps him with his Saturday night special six times, which of course does nothing appreciable to Jason. Jason grabs him by the back of his neck and flings him head-first into another one of those super-dangerous steam-blasting pipes. Because New York has lots of those. Yup. This is so New York I can't believe it. I'm glad we waited a whole hour on the Love Boat before even getting to Manhattan. Golly it was worth the wait to soak in the sights of the Big Apple.

Julius finds a payphone but Jason is right on his heels. He climbs a fire escape to the roof of a building and realizes dimly that golly, there's no way to escape from a psycho killer up here. Julius decides that hey, he's an undefeated high school boxing champion, he can take Jason in a fistfight! He assumes a boxing pose and advances, jacking Jason barehanded right in the hockey mask about a dozen times, probably breaks every knuckle in his hands, then works the solar plexus for about a minute before gassing out completely. He tells Jason to take his best shot. Jason decks him so hard his head flies off.

Punching a guy in a hockey mask.
If you can't see the problem there, I can't help you.

Sean meets up with Rennie, tripping balls in an alley somewhere. She tells him that Jason followed them to the city, like no shit, Sherlock. Sean hatches his own master plan: "We'd better find the others!" Good one!

Connie strolls down the street alone when a cop steps out from behind her with a gun and yells "Freeze!" But it's okay, Mr. Comeuppance is with the cop and tells him that she's with him. The cop looks sheepish and puts the gun away.

"My apologies, miss," he says. It's just that you matched the description of a pair of Latino rapists in the area. Rennie and Sean rejoin the group and tell everyone else that Jason is here. MC tells everyone to just shut up about Jason while they head to the car.

Yo Adrian!
Time to box with Jason!

The cop has a hilarious bit of dialogue in which it becomes abundantly clear that he's either a natural-born Canadian or he's so Minnesotan that it makes no difference. "It's a tall tale indeed! But ya seem like honest fold so I'm inclined to believe at last some of whatcha say! I'm sure Julius will turn up soon, eh? I'll call for backup!" Okay, I added the extra "eh" but he wanted to say it. You know he was battling back that reflex. They pile into the back seat of the squad car and get comfortable. The cop opens the front door to get to the radio, which turns on the dome light revealing Julius' head mounted comically on the barrel of the policeman's shotgun! What's even funnier is that Julius' death face is a goofy "Now that's a helluva punch!" expression.

Jason rushes out from the alley and drags the cop away, killing him off-camera (WEAK). Rennie climbs into the front seat of the car (easy to do when there's no cage between the seats of this supposed police car) and starts the engine. Handy that the cop left his keys in the ignition too. Everyone screams as the headlights turn on revealing Jason standing in the middle of the road thirty yards ahead of the car when just seconds ago he'd vanished into an alley twelve feet to their right. Rennie guns the engine and strikes Jason with the car, ramping him off the hood and into the gutter. Then she starts hallucinating Super-Deformed Jason Kid in front of the car and time turns to a series of still-frames, each accompanied with a painful orchestra sting that makes me want to plunge Q-tips into my eardrums and swirling them around until the only sound I hear is the peaceful surf sound of my own blood filling my ears. This makes her spazz out and lose control of the car.

Oh look! The car is obviously full of mannequins! Oh, and look! The car explodes before it hits the wall!

They all run away from the car and realize Connie didn't make it. On cue, kablooey, the car explodes. Rennie steps forward towards the spreading pool of flaming oil, entranced by the dancing flames and no doubt due for another hallucination or revelatory flashback any second. As the movie continues, her 80s hair keeps expanding wider and wider, as if her scalp naturally excretes hairspray.

She starts to see a little rowboat in the oil slick and soon we're transported years into the past when Rennie was just a tyke, but Mr. Comeuppance was still a raging douchebag. They're rowing along on Crystal Lake and MC tells her that she's lived here for years and yet she still has never learned how to swim. And she better, or she'll end up like that poor Voorhees boy who never learned how to swim either. Rennie is all "shya, right," but MC is adamant. "He's still at the bottom of this lake, you know, ready to pull down anyone who can't swim! Wow, now she'll really never want to get in the water. Good move, pops! Rennie asks if they can just go to the judo range instead of swimming lessons (kidding), but he'll hear none of it. He throws her into the water and tells her to start learning fast or Jason will get her! Great parenting. Makes me wonder why he and Connie split up. The twist is that Jason really does pull her under the water briefly. Either that or the traumatic experience of having her own father cast her into a dangerous lake that he says is inhabited by a murderous DEMON caused irreparable psychological damage. Just throwing darts here.


TELEPORTING JASON KILL #5 - Manhattan adds so much to this scene, don't you think?

Rennie snaps out of her vision and confronts MC about pushing her in the lake. MC stammers something about only trying to kill her-- I mean, teach her, and that she turned out all right. Oh wait, she didn't. She grew up to be a mentally-disturbed emotional wreck who panics at the sight of juice boxes. Sean shoves him down into a pile of shredded paper and runs off with Rennie. Jason wakes up, slightly annoyed that he was struck with a police car and strolls over to find Mr. Comeuppance still laying in the paper. The whole movie has been building up to this one, guys. This is the kill that we've been begging for since the first reel. Once MC gets the usual "You! You! It's not possible" out of the way, he sprints like a gazelle through the faceless alleys that are so-clearly New York and not a sound stage it drives me wild. He ducks into a building and...um, well suddenly he gets thrown out of a second-story window by Teleporting Jason, who actually opened a dimensional rift, stepped out onto the first floor of the building, grabbed MC, then teleported to the second floor and threw him out the window. I guess this is why Jason never bothers running after his victims.

Jason hauls the bleeding Agent From H.A.R.M. off the ground and hauls him towards a steaming barrel of smoking green industrial waste. He dunks him head-first into the slop and holds him down by the legs until he stops twitching. So in New York there are open barrels of toxic waste just laying around? But let's give a big hand to Peter Richman, won't you? He really busted his butt to make us hate him. God bless him.

Sean finds Rennie slouching on a couch, and instead of telling her to get off her ass and run like OJ Simpson in a fucking Hertz commercial, kneels down and asks her what's wrong. What's wrong. Oh I don't know, maybe the 260 lbs. gorilla tearing people's heads off. Rennie whines that she lost her parents and it seems like everyone around her dies. Sean says not to worry, that's not going to happen. Actually Sean, it has happened. They snog for a while, momentarily forgetting the small matter of...umm, what was it? OHHHH right! Jason storms around the corner and chases them further down the really real authentic New York street into a subway which-- hand of God, COULD actually be Manhattan for REAL this time.

In periods of stress many of us adopt strange facial expressions. Take for example Sean here, who at this moment has lost all bowel control.

They jump a turnstile (I guess) and board a subway train. They're just about to relax when Rennie looks to her left and sees Jason driving the train. Oh come on now! Maybe by the end of this movie it'll turn out that the whole thing was the fever dream of some autistic kid looking into a snow globe because none of this makes any damn sense. Jason comes out of the cockpit and walks after them as they run to the back of the train. Hilariously, nobody even looks twice at the hockey-mask-wearing psycho killer, much less offer to help them even as they scream bloody murder at the top of their lungs. What I don't understand is why Jason is so fixated on killing Rennie and Sean. He's walking past dozens of people, even shoving potential victims out of the way to get to them. Since when did Jason get picky?

Sean yanks the emergency brake on the subway and they make their escape out the back door. Jason follows but doesn't expect Sean's kamikaze dive from behind which sends Voorhees sprawling into the dreaded electrified third rail (charged at 6000 volts!). Damned fool! Don't you know that electricity makes Jason stronger?

They step out of the subway and into Times Square. The REAL Times Square. Yeah, an hour and twenty-five minutes in, and they've finally reached New York. Keep an eye out for the billboard for Suntory Whisky. "For quiet time, make it Suntory time." The camera pans aroundreal slowly to milk every second of footage they ever managed to scrape out of their limited New York shooting schedule. Sean prematurely announces that it's all over just as Jason starts to follow them out on the sidewalk. In an odd continuity gaffe, Jason is now soaking wet when he has no reason to be. He walks past a group of no-goodniks listening to some horrible rap music:

Livin' in the city ain't no big deal

Livin' in the city ain't no big deal

You gotta have a heart made o' U.S. steel.

If the crack don't get ya then the hookers will!

Jason boots the fuck out of the radio, which makes the kids none too pleased. They all whip out knives and challenge him, so Jason turns around and takes his mask off to scare them away. What the-- since when did Jason just scare anyone off? What could have been a pretty classic scene of Jason dismantling an entire armed street gang becomes some weird throwaway joke that completely goes against everything we know about him? It's actually rather hard to screw up the character of Jason Voorhees as long as you remember the hockey mask, machete, black jumpsuit, and his hobby of slaughtering every living being he sees. Yet this director is floundering in source material that a box turtle could write.

Rennie & Sean duck into the diner we saw at the beginning of the movie-- the one that has chocolate milk for 20 cents-- and beg the waitress for help. Nothing doing. A maniac chasing you in the streets? "Welcome to New York," she says. Oh please. Jason plows through the door and chokeslams Bob the Burly Cook into the mirror over the counter only because he gets directly in his path. Jason walks past an entire diner full of victims as he follows the fleeing wonder twins. They retreat into the alley through the back door, only to find that Jason has teleported to the mouth of the alley even though we see him following them to the back of the diner. They take the only possible escape route down into the sewers, screaming for the Ninja Turtles to save them. I bet they could take out Jason. It'd be a cool comic crossover at least.

They run into a friendly sanitation worker who offers to help them out. And they better hurry, too! Marvel if you will at this little bit of immortal dialogue:

"We don't got a minute to spare! Toxic waste, son! The sewer floods out with the stuff every night at midnight. That's in less than ten minutes from now."

The sewers of New York flood with toxic waste every night. At midnight, you'd better clear the fuck out of the sewers because huge galloping torrential waves of toxic waste will bury you. I just...I can't...why am I even here? Does this strike no one as unusual? Does anyone even blink at this unbelievable news? Where does this toxic waste even come from? Let's not even bother asking where it goes!

Oh and by the way, the sanitation worker almost convinced me he wasn't Canadian until he said the words "the sewer floods oot." Nice try, Dudley.

Strom Thurmond!

Jason shoulder-checks everyone into the wall and pounds the sanitation guy's skull in with a pipe wrench. Another weak kill. He kills the guy in silhouette. Sean is knocked out from the attack and is about to be killed next when Rennie distracts Jason with a flashlight and goads him into following her. Gosh that was easy. And he was so single-minded before. Rennie dodges around the corner and bashes open a conveniently-located bucket of toxic waste and throws it all over Jason. It looks like something you'd find on the set of Double Dare. Jason roars like a wounded velociraptor and rips his mask off revealing a very weird dried apple head without any eyes that I can see. Let's not even bother exploring how or why a red bucket of toxic waste came to be there, but again, it does explain many things about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Jason stumbles drunkenly through the sewer tunnels after her. So a bucket of Nickelodeon slop knocks him stupid but six rounds to the chest do nothin'. Kay. Rennie wakes Sean up and they run for the nearest ladder out of the sewers, but Jason puts on a sudden burst of speed and grabs her by the ankle. Jason now has a bleached skull head. Then there's the sound of rushing water, and Jason turns around to see the torrential flood of toxic waste coming right at him!

Jason adopts the pre-adolescent voice of an eight year old and starts calling for his mommy. I'm not joking. Then he vomits Alka Seltzer and is sucked under the roiling waves of industrial waste. By all accounts the fumes from this waste should probably turn Rennie and Sean's lungs inside-out, but who cares at this point? Jason thrashes in the sludge one last time and lightning strikes the Statue of Liberty (huh?) before he finally dies.

As the muck recedes, we see what's left of Jason: a perfectly normal little boy. I could not make this up. The toxic waste that floods the New York underground nightly turns Jason Voorhees back into a real boy!

They climb out of the sewers where it's about 7 AM judging from the daytime sky, when according to the regular schedule of the toxic waste floods it should be midnight exactly. They share a tender moment before finding Rennie's dog Toby waiting for them. There was a scene filmed for this movie where Jason kicks Toby to death but it was cur because according to Kane Hodder, there's some things even Jason wouldn't do. I love it. That's Jason Voorhees: card-carrying member of PETA.

And that's how Jason Took Manhattan. I guess he didn't really TAKE Manhattan, so much as...I don't know. Annoy it briefly? Strolled through it for about 3 minutes without hurting anybody? And then got killed in a really embarrassing fashion that doesn't make any sense? Heck he barely made an impact on Manhattan. What are the papers bound to say if they even run the story? "JASON VOORHEES GOES ON RAMPAGE: DESTROYS BOOMBOX, NOBODY HURT." I think they're more likely to run a political piece on how the New York Sanitation Department desperately needs better funding. It's dangerous down there!

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