Final Fantasy XIII – Part 1

The Spoony One | Dec 15 2012 | more notation(s) | 

It begins again.

  • Joe Hall

    Oh lawd here comes the Final Fantasy again o.O

  • Chuster M. Merino

    “So… it begins.”

    By the way, Spoony, what happened to the “new” introduction? It was cool…

    • Nukleon

      Andrew Dickman, the guy who drew it, apparently doesn’t like Spoony anymore, and doesn’t want him using it.

      • Chuster M. Merino

        Oh, ok. Thanks for the answer, you guys :D

      • Lord_of_the_Ninth

        Well, that’s just really unprofessional.

        • Tariel Corbeau

          It is, very very very very unprofessional.
          It is like a lawyer going to work in a courtroom wearing a speedo unprofessional.
          Which is why I no longer watch Phelous, Lupa, or look at Dickman’s art. If I ever meet him in a con, I’m telling him he is unprofessional. Then go moon over CR’s artwork.

        • Chris Mudd

          Not to mention that I assumed Spoony paid for it. Which means Spoony owned it. The artist no longer has a say, so I guess Spoony just decided to not use that amazing animation in order to keep the peace.

          • Jordy Den Hartog

            Spoony did pay Andrew for it, I remember him mentioning it either in a tweet or somewhere on this site. My guess is that he’s choosing not to use it for whatever reason rather than Andrew forbidding it.

      • Andrew DeCaire

        He was nice enough to finish the “Guardian” Segment.

        • David Herbert

          Considering the fact the Guardian didn’t leave the gate in the final video, I think Spoony may have just used the art he already had.

          • Andrew DeCaire


      • Andrew DeCaire

        Also that’s stupid, because doesn’t Spoony I dunno, PAY HIM to do that? I don’t care if my boss is Doctor Insano as long as I get paid…

      • Kendotuxedo

        Wow………… what a dick, man…

    • MFlorian

      Something happened between him and the guy who made it. The old intro is back now.

    • Michal Lange

      Andrew Dickman -> Good friend of Phelous -> Boyfriend of Obscurus Lupa.

      • MechaVelma

        I get how stupid travels along friends and colleagues like blood poisoning, but the one thing I have NEVER understood about the whole fallout thing was Oancitizen’s reaction. Here’s a guy that just recently did an incredible episode on how depressed people interact with others and yet so completely missed it when it was Spoony going through it. I mean, holy facepalm batman.

        • Vismutti

          He did? Oh man… that’s just so disappointing. I thought he was smarter than that.

        • Psychopath

          The happenstance of Kyle siding with Lupa occurred months before he made his 50th episode, the misunderstanding here is the fact that you’ve confused Kyle’s lack of sympathy despite his supposed grasp and knowledge of the details that constitute depression with the fact that Kyle aped the idea off of Spoony’s breakdown on Twitter and applied it to the episode long after the fact.

          Yeah, Kyle’s a douche. He’s also a closeted misogynist.

    • Sioraf As Killeens

      1 it wasn’t and 2 why call something new if you don’t believe in the concept of newness which is why you put new in quotation marks?

      • RyanfaeScotland

        Why answer a question if you’re not going to answer the question?

  • Jake Willson

    it begins…

  • Mathis Gries

    Oh man, I reload the page and there’s the video I’ve been longing for.

  • Manuel Wolf

    holy shit!
    i was kind of expecting this on the 21st of december… you know, end of the world and all^^

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      I’m getting tired of the whole “OH MY GOD the Mayan calender is ending it is the end of the world!!!” every 6-20 years since 1883…

      • Manuel Wolf

        i don’t much stalk into the predictions of a culture that was completely wiped out by european barbarians myself^^
        but it could have tied in with the ending of his ultima ascension review.

        • Matt Morgan


          It’s a metaphor about putting time into something, like putting money into a stock… What the hell are you going to put a stalk into?

          • Manuel Wolf

            i thought stalk is in to follow something… is it obvious english is not my native language?^^
            anyway, my apologies, but thanks for clearing that up :)

  • Wrim

    “All Hail Vaughn, sky pirate of Dumb-Ass-kah”?

  • Xeilith

    The file size is a bit excessive, is there any way I can watch this without using a chunk of my bandwidth equivalent to Baldur’s Gate EE (of which I was also extremely reluctant to download).

    • Xeilith

      Never mind, I think I may have figured out a way.

      • Xeilith
        • Josh Taylor

          Noice, I can download Spoony again! How does one come across that so I can do it easily when the next video comes?

          • Xeilith

            It’s somewhat of a round about way… and I’m not entirely sure how to do it with a stock browser, but I’ll give it a shot. I can only assume you have add blocker plus, if so then when you scroll over the video there should be a little block icon that appears at one corner of the flash object (video), just right click and open it in a new tab then grab the last web address and paste it into a new tab.

          • Merost

            Uhh You can just use Download helper? Yeah I know it always says “2GB”, but the videos are only 200mb in reality and the download will finish after 200mb

    • dennett316

      I used Downloadhelper to download the video and it was only 165mb, same as the link you posted below. Is it more when watching it on the site or something?

  • Godmars

    So it has finally come to pass; The Spoony one takes on the greatest JRPG failure of the 21st century.

    • War Painter Brian

      Final Fantasy 14?

      • Godmars

        wouldn’t that one be the laziest MMO?

        • War Painter Brian

          Still a Japanese Role Playing Game. It just has the MMO element to it. And to be fair, in 13 and 14 you can only control one character at a time and follow a somewhat linear storyline. What’s the big difference?

          • Godmars

            $15 bucks a month.

            Though I do consider FF13 to be as lazy or inept an effort as FF14 originally was.

          • War Painter Brian

            If anything the inclusion of a monthly fee should make 14 lower than 13. And 14 is still a worse JRPG.

  • Wrim
    • Jonathan Andersson

      What’s a paladin?

      • zhellas

        What’s a dead horse?

        • Michael Wilbur

          I’m not entirely sure … (Sorry, couldn’t resist)

  • Merost

    And now please UPDATE REGULARLY. One video every month at least please.

    • Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

      I assume that you mean a video review pr. month? Because I’ve been quite contented with the episodes of Counter Monkey that we have gotten in addition to the reviews and v-logs over the last several weeks :)

      • Felipe Espinoza

        we need more countermonkey!

        • zhellas

          I agree with more Counter Monkey!

          Also, we need some Bored Vulturi!

          • Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

            Of course!

  • Zoltán Várhelyi

    WOOHOO, Waited for this since the game rolled out!

  • Philip Olsson

    Awesome as usual noah, you made my day.^^ and also, if that is your goal, to grow long hair, good luck if that is the case, it can be a pain in the ass.

    • Mary Sulkowski

      Especially in AZ.

  • Solstafir

    It’s time.

  • Nukleon

    Spoony, you say you work in HD and such, but why do your reviews have to look like 2005 youtube? Come on man, if people like Xeilith want to keep complaining, have an alternative 320×200 video for him.

    • Xeilith

      Complaining? Ah, snuff it, it’s fair cop really. Besides I figured out my problem, and perhaps even answered your query.

  • Grace Soriano

    Spoon! I was dying for this for so long….now I can rest peacefully.

  • NickyArmstrong

    On the feed, this came up with the paragraph text instead of the title for some reason.

  • Gareth Williams

    Just because I know someone will say it, the “gentle J-Pop”…isn’t. It’s actually a British singer called Leona Lewis who has some level of popularity (not much) but instead of using J-Pop for a Japanese game abroad they went with something western. It’s why I like to think that XIII is the first time they wanted to be “international” and royally screwed it up.

    Of course if this IS addressed in the review, I’m a complete dolt and feel free to bash me. Ta.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Fuck Leona Lewis! She ruined XIII by making it ALL ABOUT HER! She came from X-Factor, the same piece of shit that birthed fucking Jedward!

      • yellowmage

        I agree with the “fuck Leona Lewis” thing. Wholeheartedly, in fact. But for a different reason: mainly that the theme song for the Japanese version of the game “Kimi ga Iru Kara” (“Because You’re Here”) by Sayuri Sugawara, was actually written, composed and performed solely for Final Fantasy XIII. Just like every FF theme song before it.

        Apparently, they did try to translate it for the Western versions of the game, but had trouble. In which case, why didn’t they just keep it in Japanese!? They’d already used it in at least two Western trailers!

        • Gareth Williams

          I mean it’s not like any of the previous games had Japanese songs, like FFX! Oh wait.

          Yes there are some English songs, but eh. There’s no point it making a new song when you have one already.

          • yellowmage

            I don’t have a problem with the other English FF theme songs because they were the same as the Japanese songs; just translated. “Her Feet” was in no way connected to FFXIII.

          • Gareth Williams

            True. VERY very true.

            Eyes on Me – love that didn’t pan out. The songs from X-2 – happy pop and love story appropriate for the places.

            Her Feet – ???

    • NickCaligo42

      Eh, small potatoes, I think. Still sounds J-Poppy. Probably intentionally chosen to sound J-Poppy.

      And in point of fact, they didn’t really try to make it “international” at all. They did focus testing for other countries, but they did it too late in the process to actually do anything about it.

      • Gareth Williams

        Eh, a point of contention on the “International” thing. I just don’t think it has the same feel as the other games, which really wrote many of the rules of JRPGs, so I assumed it was to make it more marketable. Best not to think too much about it.

        • NickCaligo42

          That’s actually more because the game was built in about six months and had no testing than because they were genuinely trying to make it a departure.

          • Gareth Williams

            Oh, even better. Sigh… I miss the classics.

  • Anne Hensen

    Spoony should join the fashion police :)

  • Jimmy TheFish

    Why did anyone keep playing FF after 10 I dont know.

    • Discordius Erisianus

      XII was good. I especially like how Vaan is not important, no one likes him and yet everyone complains about him when he’s barely even there.
      Also some people liked 10. I think it’s the most popular game in the series, if the readers of Famitsu are representative of us.

      • Andrew Scheil

        Thats because the actual gameplay of FFX is really good. Even Spoony admitted that in the first part of the FFX review

        • Gareth Williams

          Oh man, the Conditional Active Time System (or its real name) works so well for turn-based fighting. You want to know who get’s to go next, or what you should do to stop the baddies from retaliating as much as possible? Right there.

          Also, how every character had some form of specialisation AND you could switch on the fly. Makes you feel you are controlling a team of “experts” (used as loosely as possible) and made each one have importance. Unless you didn’t like summoning or Enemy Skills.

  • David Miller

    To clarify one point about FF12 they actually switched it to Van from Basch/Balthier because they were worried that the target audience wouldn’t be able to identify with the main character due to the fact that the others were so much older. Now onto the review itself wonderful as always although there is one aspect you might have missed but then again alot of people might have missed due to it being in the flavor text of the shops. Given how the Fal’ce of the world want Lightning and her group to succeed they are actually hiding there financial transactions and providing them with the tools needed in order to “help” them so as to allow them to successfully accomplish the grand conspiracy. Keep up the Good Work

    • Matt Morgan

      That’s a bullshit point on their part, though, because Final Fantasy VI doesn’t even really have a main character, and is widely considered to be one of the best games in the series… and if you want to argue that it’s Terra… she was a girl with all kinds of weaknesses in her character (she basically had a Jeckel/Hyde thing going on at one point in the story and was worried she was a monster, and afraid of what she was capable of doing), and actually had a reason to be involved with the story because of who she was and what she was capable of, on top of having actual character motivations for being there (learning about her past and discovering who she is)

      • David Miller

        agreed but here is also something you probably didn’t know, Vans character was added at the last minute so to speak, after everything else had been written and such so he was basically shoehorned in and they hoped to get a Hidden Fortress feeling from the him and Penalo which didn’t really work.

    • NickCaligo42

      I think you’re stretching for that explanation a bit. It still doesn’t make for especially good storytelling logic, given it takes about 20 hours before that plot twist materializes.

      • David Miller

        It’s more of a fridge brilliance to use the trope when you consider the questions that Spoony was asking and the eventual reveal and again read some of the shop flavor text even the ones you get for the Gran pulse missions and you will see that this was somewhat planned

  • smek2

    So the day has finally come! Let the new epic begin.

  • Joshua William Hastings

    I still feel that the original White Knight Chronicles could give the Final Fantasy Series a run for its money in regards to being bad.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      That game is from Level 5 of all developers. I just hope Ni No Kuni will be good though. The demo has an open world like the first nine FF titles. Maybe Final Fantasy should have those kind of worlds again, it would save time and money from making an Elder Scrolls clone.

      • Matt Morgan

        Ni No Kuni is going to be good, because it’s made by a developer that doesn’t have their heads so far up their own asses by this point that they think it’s fun.

        In fact, that’s what Final Fantasy XIII is. It’s a metaphor for Square Enix shoving their own heads up their asses, and the corridors are… well, you see my point

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          Then how did Level 5 fucked up with White Knight Chronicles?

          • doresh

            Because the developed it together with SCE Japan Studio?

  • MFlorian

    Waiting for Gadot? What’s next? Snow Job?

  • David Herbert

    I really wish you added the collective groan from when Tidus walks into the Auroch’s changing room to the stinger.

    And don’t worry about the slow pace. We know you’re building up to something big. After all, Ultima 9 was a good review and its part one barely got past the first ten minutes of the game.

  • Skelemelon


    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Wakka and Lebreau are the children of Wakka and Lulu. Does that mean Lightning came from Cloud and Aerith or Cloud and Squall?

      • yellowmage

        Wakka is his own father?

        • Skelemelon

          Would explain quite a bit, I think.

      • Skelemelon

        I think Aerith was a bit too busy being dead to have babies. Or was she? Is Cloud a necrophiliac?

        • Gareth Williams

          There’s a fanfic right there.

          • doresh

            Probably more XD

          • Tariel Corbeau

            Yes there is… sadly… there is…. *cries in a corner*

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          There is nothing Shinra scientists can’t do, with SCIENCE!!!!!

        • David Monticchio

          Well….considering Aerith basically ascended to “the immortal goddess of the planet” in the FF7 universe, gaining the ability to cure global sickness with rain and how she can still somehow physically interact with the living in Advent Children….I’d say she probably could still reproduce.

          Or heck, we probably should have not split Aerith into two characters in the first place and stick with the original plot….No Sephiroth, no Tifa, Shinra stays the villain, Barrete dies instead of becoming nonexistant…you know, the one without crater sized plot holes because you killed the ONLY character that was necessary for the plot to function properly.

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    Oh god! I don’t know who get angry at? You, Spoony? The critics? The pre-XIII fans? The developers? The publishers? Motomu Toriyama (director of X-2 and XIII)?

    With fucking honesty, why do you even care about the mythos? Why do you hate it? Why didn’t developers do a better job? What if Bioware remade XIII? Would they make Lightning’s face as ugly as Miranda’s? Why does everyone think it’s cool to hate XIII?

    I don’t what to do. I bought XIII based on how everyone else hates it. If I ignored it, then I would’ve had to still wait up to this day until there’s a Final Fantasy that everyone says the story is really good. I didn’t buy XII years because of what people said about it and I thought “Fuck these guys and what they!” when buying XIII.

    Now the game I like is being torn apart by the man who’s getting people to hate Final Fantasy in the first place. What do I do? And don’t say “Break your disc, switch sides and join our crusade against XIII.” Parts of XIII pissed me off but the mythology isn’t one of them nor is the main battle theme?

    Why do old-fans praise Amano’s artwork when his work wasn’t advertised for the releases of I, IV and VI in America? Why do complain about the linearity when all JRPGs are linear? It wouldn’t be wise to go to a town if you’re a Pulse l’Cie unless you wanna bullet in your head? The world is against the main characters, it wouldn’t make sense to distract yourself unless you wanna become a C’ieth.

    You think you’re hurt by XIII? I’m being hurt by you! My love for the games are being shattered? Will the world end from my depression from your fucking hatred towards XIII? If I get a chance

    • Matthew Briner

      …My God, man, it’s just an internet review. Calm the fuck down.

    • silbmaerto

      Dude, calm down. Nobody’s telling you to “switch sides” or “join a crusade” against Final Fantasy XIII. Come to think of it, there is no crusade against XIII. There are a bunch of people who dislike it, and who express their opinions on the internet. That isn’t a crusade, that’s freedom of speech. Spoony is probably the guy who’s most vitriolic against XIII and the modern entries in the FF series in general, but so far in this review he has said basically nothing against XIII’s fans, only complaining about the game itself. Believe it or not, a lot of people are more than willing to attempt to logically explain their opinion on a polarizing game, and won’t tear you down for having a differing opinion.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Spoony in a vlog that anyone who likes XIII are all lying to themselves. He wants to force hatred upon us and expects likes of me, a newcomer to Final Fantasy, to embrace his hatred without question.

        • dennett316

          Well what you do is get some damn perspective and continue to hold the same opinion you always have. You ARE allowed to disagree with Spoony you know, he doesn’t expect anyone to do anything regarding his opinion. He’s presenting it in his own unique way, that’s all.

          Are you so weak willed that you actually feel this way? If so, stop watching any review of something you like because I fear for you.

          • Nick

            As someone who loves the hell out of the VIII review and FFVIII, I totally agree. The only way to truly like something is to hear criticism about it, and then develop your own opinion on the subject. Do you find some of his points about the game unfounded? Why? What about the gameplay, is it too button mashy or is there strategy to it? Asking and answering these questions will make your opinion that much stronger, and more based on logic and reason and less on “feel”.

          • Kaihedgie

            “You ARE allowed to disagree with Spoony you know” Then explain all of the massive downvoting

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Because I like Final Fantasy XIII and I hate Spoony for tearing the game apart. That’s why people hate me.

        • silbmaerto

          1. Why don’t you complain in the comments of that vlog then? I didn’t see Spoony make any statement like that in this video. Making one insensitive statement in one video does not take away Spoony’ right to criticize the game anywhere else.

          Your problem with Spoony has nothing to do with this video, so I don’t see why you felt that it was needed here or why you felt that the contents of this video in particular were especially objectionable.

          2. You seem incensed by the opinion of ONE guy on the internet. Why do you care? What influence does he have on the way that you or anybody else thinks? Does his hatred ruin the game for you? He hates plenty of things that I like, yet I’ve never held any of that against him.

          Just relax. If you like FFXIII, then enjoy your game and stop giving a shit about what Spoony thinks.

    • dennett316

      Read back what you’ve just typed here….and realise that it’s not normal. I implore you, get some help, because no-one should get so riled up because someone holds a different opinion to yours. Seriously, go talk to someone about this.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        But isn’t Spoony like most of the time? He went nuts on twitter when he realised that people like the battle theme in XIII.

      • sbkMulletMan

        Yeah, these kinds of final fantasy games spawn some rather…”interesting” people as fans. And by interesting, I mean they usually aren’t very interesting at all, and they especially seem to lack basic social skills, hence the freakouts and hostile reactions over different opinions and criticism from others. They just can’t handle it.

        I wondered why they would attach their egos to the games, and then I realized the main characters of the games they obsess over. Whiners, babies, weirdos and gits. They obsess over the games because they can identify with them. And when you think about it, that’s really just another reason to seek professional help as quickly as possible.

        And I’m not even trying to be a jerk who just makes fun of these fans (although I can in the more extreme cases; not here though). I’m just making basic observations, as are we all. These people need help.

      • Matt Morgan

        “With fucking honesty, why do you even care about the mythos? Why do you hate it? Why didn’t developers do a better job?”

        See kids, this is what being in denile looks like

        The first things that come to your mind are – “why does he have to question it?” and then “why didn’t they make a better game?”.

        You’ve admitted this is the first game in the series you’ve ever played, so how can you think you have a valid opinion about what makes a good Final Fantasy game?

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          The more preaching I hear from old-school fans who advertise their games to put XIII down, the less likely I’ll play what they consider a good Final Fantasy.

    • Francisco Ralha

      On the linearity thing.
      Every JRPG was/is linear, every FF included. The thing is that JRPG’s can create the illusion of non-linearity, and that’s all you really need. Take the first part of the world map from FF 7, it’s really just a big room with Midgard on the middle, and Kalm close to the corridor that leads to the next big room with the Chocobo farm, and an exit that leads into the mountains, with nothing else inside except random encounters.
      So the whole area is in fact just a corridor that’s very wide in some points, but it does manage to create the illusion of exploration, the idea that there might be some stuff there for you to discover, that you aren’t in fact in a corridor. FF 13 doesn’t do that, you’re always aware that you’re inside a corridor, and the game becomes linear thanks to that.

  • joluoto

    The story in FF XIII can be summed up easily with: Shit happens (usually for no reason).

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      As much as I like XIII, the narrative is like a retarded version of Mass Effect.

      • Matt Morgan

        Then why do you like it? You’re just like it through sheer determined retardation because it’s the first Final Fantasy you ever played?

  • Matthew Briner

    Oh, come on. I hated the storytelling aspect of the game, but there were plenty of parts of ‘Final Fantasy XIII’ I liked. Hell, Spoony found something from ‘Final Fantasy X-2′ that he loved! He’s gotta find SOMETHING in this game that he sees as at least salvageable!


    • Mark Andersen

      Ya, its not XIII-2

  • Brevon Davis

    I know I’m over analyzing here, and it’s certainly not what the creators were implying, but just think about the line “true heroes don’t need plans.” The obvious meaning is that to be a true hero you need to be strong enough to get the job done, plan or no plan. The problem is that, for mere mortals, that is nigh impossible. So a true hero is someone who is too strong to be beaten no matter what: a god. A true hero is a god that seeks to do what is right.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      It would be funnier if it were said by Captain Qwark or Zapp Brannigan. Snow’s kinda like those guys.

  • Flávio Bessa

    I like how he is complaining that in the start you don’t know what a L’Cie is or what a fal’Cie is.
    Because if they DID explained it right at the beginning he would complain and shout “EXPOSITION EXPOSITION GUSHING OUT ASAP”. Or he would simply complain that it wouldn’t be realistic to have it all explained right away and that we should get the information during the course of the game.

    • Mark Andersen

      Would have been nice if they EVER explained exactly what they are or where they came from

    • PeaTearGryfin

      The difference is that a good game finds a way to work the exposition into the story so that it feels natural and doesn’t bring the game to a halt. A bad game, on the other hand, will either just expect the player to know whats going on or have the main character ask stupid questions that they should know the answer to like, “What’s a paladin?”

      • Jonathan Andersson

        Although, stupid questions from a protagonist who doesn’t know better (not when the narrative is erasing his/her mind to justify such questions for newcomers to learn the lore) can be okay from time to time.

        That is, when the character is not asking a question with the most obvious answer.

        • David Miller

          The easy way that they could have solved the exposition issue was to use the characters of hope and vanille, seeing as both characters are lacking knowledge from either side hope for pulse and vanille for cacoon it would have been easy to do hell Sahz(sp) himself asks Vanille point blank if she slept through history class.

    • doresh

      If I’d have the choice between an exposition dump or the game acting like I just skipped the first 4 hours, I’d rather take the dump.

      Basically, EVERY other way to explain this stuff would’ve been better.

  • Chris Hughes

    It may have been only 5 seconds, but Groucho Marx killed me…good job Noah.

    • Ben Smooker

      I don’t even know why I laughed so hard at that…

  • Sioraf As Killeens

    At last Spoony has reviewed Final Fantasy XIII, in time for Christmas and all.

  • CronoT

    *before watching video*
    …and thus, did Spoony begin chanting the Armageddon Spell, and all of the Earth held its breath in fear and trembling.

    The Book of Spoony, 12:15

  • Mathias Panzenböck

    About the motto: I wasn’t fully concentrated when it was mentioned and so I said exactly at the same time with Spoony: “I’ve already forgotten what it was.” lol

  • Steve O.

    Ugggh, Vaan. Say what you will about Tidus but at least he was actually included from the START. I think that’s why Lightning took the lead spot on this one, since I cannot remember fucking ANYTHING Vaan did in FF12. Goddamn, FRAN had more to do with the plot!

    As for Snow? Well, he has all the tropes of a shounen action hero, so maybe we ARE working by anime rules.

    • doresh

      Vaan is useless. They probably finished the whole plotline before they remembered that every JRPG is required to feature an annoying bishounen amongst the protagonists.

      And he’s a half-naked thief running around with heavily-armored boots. The fuck oO ?!

      At least Tidus had a proper background and motivation. Vaan just wanted to be… king of the pirates Oo ?

      • Steve O.

        Actually, that is EXACTLY what happened. I’m not kidding, they planned to have Basch and Ashe as the leads, but fans responded badly to no pretty boy lead, so they made up Vaan on the spot. You can tell because of his broken stats and lacking dialogue options.

        Also, worst muscle rendering in human history. XD

        • doresh

          I now that – though I wished I’d never found out <_<

          The also added Penelo at that time (since every bishie needs a love interest) – which is why she is ALSO completely useless and looks like a slightly modified Al-Bhed girl that got discarded from FFX because her outfit looks like total carbage (which might be why she got a 100% overhaul in Revenant Wings)…

        • rock1644

          They also want a young girl lead, so we got Penelo. These character changes were done after Matsuno. If he was still in charge, I doubt that would’ve happened.

          On a side note, I’m convinced the terrible chest system and the Zodiac Spear gimmick were done by Akitoshi Kawazu when he became Executive Producer. He loves to do shit that requires a strategy guide in his other games.

          • doresh

            Thanks for telling me the name of Mr. Cryptic Secrets. Now I know who to target my hatred at XD

        • NickCaligo42

          Vaan and Penelo weren’t really the product of fan bitching, actually, so much as the product of focus testing, which could mean anything from demoing the gameplay to showing pictures of character designs and asking their groups to pick a hero from a lineup. Hard to say.

      • golden izanagi

        with tidus as whiny as that little shit was one could at least could try and sympathize with him a bit after all he was just forced from his home during an attack by some monster and probably has no way of going back to any family or friends he might of had(of course that would be before we find out what he and the city really is) and when he realizes that he loves yuna and does not want to see her needlessly sacrifice herself, I found myself rooting for him because he stopped being a whiny asshole about his home and his own situation and matures and shows concern for those he cares about.

        • doresh

          Someone like Tidus would’ve also been a GODSEND for FFXIII, since he’s a dude stranded in a strange new world that its inhabitants have to explain to him (and by that to the players).

          Wait… how can both these games be made by the same company? How does that even work Oo ?

          • banned_guy

            He appears confused, ask the questions, gets the answers, (we get the exposition) and then plot brutally kills him, – that is how i would wish it

          • doresh

            Preferrable with a British accent going something like this: “What the f*ck is a Fal’Cie?!”

          • golden izanagi

            holy shit why couldn’t 13 be something like that, it being about a person is whisked away from his own world to another and has to join with some motley crew of people trying to rebel against the gods in hopes he or she will find some way back to the world he knows, would’ve been a great way to put in exposition to explain what things like “falCie” are, or why masses of people are forcibly moved in order for that worlds gods not to be pissed at them when they find someone with a strange tattoo on them and not trudge through mountains of text about why a baby chocobo is in that guys hair.

          • Tyghost

            Squaresoft merged with Enix at the time the company was working on FFX,
            so FFX-2 is the first full Square Enix title in the main sequence. You
            can see it as late Squaresoft/early-Square Enix had not completely deteriorated, and there were still some competent, if overworked staff.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      There was a ten-year gap in having miserable main characters in a main FF-game.

      Squall of VII (1999)
      Lightning of XIII (2009)

      • yellowmage

        Squall was in FFVII?

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          As Homer Simpson would say, that was a typo. I mean VIII

  • Pavlos Stefanidis-Altinis

    Right on my birthday, I see the Spoony One’s review I was waiting for ages! What more could I ask for???

    Except for leaving one of the most boring places on the planet?

  • Viredae

    I can understand fighting with fists and swords (and yes, gunblades) in FF VII and VIII, since those worlds have an abundance of magic, and that basically works as a counterpoint to guns with melee being an added point of advantage, I mean which would you rather have, guns or giant fireballs and lightning bolts?

    Here the magic isn’t so commonplace, so it makes even less sense…

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Have you noticed didn’t really complain about Tifa using her fists? As much as I hate Snow, I call out Spoony for double-standard.

      • Frumix

        It’s not really double-standard. The more realistic and movie-like visuals get, the less your brain lets you get away with. When it’s just sprites or a fifty-polygon model with mid-90s handmade animation the roughness of it all just kinda lets you get away with a lot of silly and dumb stuff. That’s one of the reasons something like a remake of FF6 in Dissidia-level graphics wouldn’t work, they’d have to animate Sabin suplexing a train and that would look… well, just as goddamn silly as Snow punching a mech into oblivion. You may handwave it as magic. But your brain won’t.

      • Nick

        Not really a justification but if you take a look at Tifa’s weapons, most of them are not just her fists, some of them are claws, knuckles, and Premium Heart appears to be a gauntlet made of futuristic metal with rocket engines attached. God’s Hand even has metal spikes and rocket engines. Zell’s weapons on the other hand are literally just… gloves.

        • Viredae

          even then, you could argue that Zell’s GF junction gives him superhuman abilities, same with Materia (they did increase your stats), no such thing in FFXIII.

      • Ian Fay

        Because Tifa’s awesome and Snow’s a twat, that’s why.

      • Kyle Veihdeffer

        Tifa was also a highly trained martial artist in the same vein as Sabin in FFVI.

        • Viredae

          You could argue that Zell was a military trainee/personnel as well, which meant that he probably had combat training.

          • doresh

            Shouldn’t that little training have teached him the superiority of a gun over fists XD ?

          • Viredae

            Actually, it taught him that it’s better to cover all his bases by making sure he can handle himself on all ranges and that a bullet and thunderbolt pretty much have the same end result.

      • Tyghost

        The world of FFVII is mechanistic the closer it is to Midgar, and more naturalistic the further away you are from it. There are many, many scenarios in that game that don’t have giant metal death-machines, and in those scenarios a martial artist like Tifa could potentially shine. The scenarios where there’s a ton of machines can be explained away by their relative rarity (in the larger scheme) once you leave Midgar and/or the materia system in the game, which let everyone use magic as well as physical attacks. This does not break the suspension of disbelief.

        This is less true in FFXIII, where the vast majority of encounters are against giant metal robots. In such a setting, the martial artist is at a constant overwhelming disadvantage unless they are given super-strength outright. However, Snow is just some guy playing at hero.

    • doresh

      The problem is also that fist fighters only really make sense if you’re a DBZ-esque martial artist. If you’re just a random kid that’s strong enough to punch through tank armor, your fighting strength can only increase by using a weapon.

      And even if you have magical powers that allow you to charge your punches, why would it be impossible to charge a sword or gun?

      Really the only way to possibly justify characters using melee weapons over rifles is if the setting is like in the Napoleonic era, with inaccurate rifles that take forever to load.

      • Viredae

        Nobody said you couldn’t charge a sword or a gun, but eliminating the range advantage of a gun with magic, the difference between guns and claws/gloves and swords really diminishes, at least martial arts learned melee fighters might have an advantage at closer ranges.

        Of course, this really still doesn’t include FF XIII.

        • doresh

          Guns could certainly be useful, especially if the user itself can’t actually use magic and has to rely on magic bullets.

          Swords DO have an advantage over claws, namely the range.

          • Viredae

            Not really, in FF VII a tutorial area had a couple of children doing magic and limit breaks, meaning that practically anyone can use magic, in FF VIII mostly military handled any guns and magic (including the protagonists).

            Also, magic eliminates the range advantage of most guns, why use a bullet to shoot an opponent a 100 feet away if you could just throw a fire or thunder spell? In fact, someone with sword and magic can have an advantage at both long and short range, while the guy with a gun has only long range advantage, making it somewhat redundant.

            There are exceptions like Large artillery weapons and extremely long range weapons like sniper rifles.

          • doresh

            Oh, so it’s the OTHER way around: It makes no sense for people like Vincent and Barrett to use guns at all XD !

          • Viredae

            well, kind of, actually, Barret still used melee weapons on occasion (plus he hated mako and its products, which I recall include basic materia), andVincent can turn into a chainsaw wielding monster.

          • doresh

            I guess overall guns were just cheaper, which is why all those soldiers use them.

            And Dirge of Cerberus could’ve only been improved if they’d kept that transformation XD

          • Specter Von Baren

            Keep in mind also the matter of ammo. Ammo is something that you have to get the materials for and make, if you can’t make it yourself (Which is likely) then you’re going to buy it and that costs money, then you also have to make sure that all the parts for the gun are in proper condition and clean. Then there’s the fact that you’d also have to carry all that ammo around with you and once you run out, that’s it.

            If you introduce magic into the world then why would you ever want to use a gun outside of highly specialized ones like a sniper rifle for long range? With magic you need to learn how to use it but once you do then you can use it whenever you want so long as you aren’t tired (Or however MP works ingame) and if you are tired then the you can rest and be able to use magic again. Carry around a short ranged weapon to back you up when magic is too much or the enemy is engaging in close quarters and you’re in a pretty good system. If you want to be able to recover MP then you do indeed have to buy items but those items aren’t being used at the risk of missing the target, have a much greater benefit (One shot per bullet against several spells per ether), and are easier to carry, that’s also a better system.

            Once you’ve eliminated the advantage guns have with range and the best thing they have still going for them is that anyone can pick up a gun and shoot it (But even then people can use it wrong or hurt themselves).

          • doresh

            Ammo problems depend entirely on whether or not you can carry more bullets than your MP-to-Fireball ratio.

  • doresh

    Oh the Sphere Grid. Wether you hate it or love it, you gotta admit it was another nail in FF’s coffin. Because from that point on, EVERY new FF game had to have something just like it, even if they had to pad it out with weird and useless crap – like the License Board. Oh God, the License Board…

    • Steven Black

      Heh, defeated Dragon Quest V the other day. Took me back to the time of when you simply leveled up and gained abilities and magic. Simpler times, more focused on talking to the people in town and actual combat rather than endless inventory micromanagement (there is some with the DQ backback system, but its not too bad). Which is all sphere grid and license board is, micromanagement that adds nothing to the game. I still can’t believe that I need a license to wield a dagger in FFXII. Then again Ivalice is a world that spawned the Judge system in Final Fantasy Tactics Advance (you can’t use potion or we’ll take you to jail!). Final Fantasy Tactics created an interesting world in Ivalice, its too bad Square has done nothing but destroy it since.

      • doresh

        And at least the backback system made sense in-universe (certainly the most realistic inventory system before it gets to annoying), whereas Square just keeps introducing weird meta-stuff that has no place in an actual world.

        I mean, what do the people of Ivalice DO with Gambits Oo ?

    • Nicholas Cook

      weird campaign of taking more and more direct control away from the player during combat? One game in 12 does not count as campaign, I am sorry to say. No the combat has been pretty much the same at its core all through the FF series. You can press X and beat any FF games combat system. None of the games are overly complex in any way and none of them are masterpieces either. The FF series has been a long running franchise of mediocre (not terrible but not great) games, if you can accept that then you won’t be disappointed.

      • Arne Maes

        Sure, all but FFVII though, that game was fucking amazing

      • Tariel Corbeau

        I can agree with that, but it also very much like Lord of the Rings, helped make RPG gaming what it is today. And every bit of connotation to that sentence is intended.
        *goes back to playing Diablo two*

      • doresh

        There IS a campaign going on:

        – FFXII only ever gives you direct control over a single character, and even he can be fully automated so all you really have to do is steer him in the general direction of the next enemy.

        – FFXIII goes even farther and is so automated you can fight while half asleep. You can no longer program the AI, but have to resort to general roles and hope they don’t f*ck up.

        How is that like in the old games? You might also win battles by mashing X there, but at least you are in CONTROL.

        • Saku Suonpää

          Well in FFXII nothing stops you from controlling all 3. Just turn the whole team’s Gambits off. :P

          • doresh

            Seeing how you have to pay actual money to get most Gambits, that would actually be the most clever choice.

            Sadly, as the little programming geek I am, the Gambit system is the ONLY enjoyable part of this game for me XD

    • Patrick Coyle

      As I understand it, they were trying to make RPG battles less boring and monotonous. Apparently they were forced to choose between making them more dangerous and tactically complex, or fill it with lots of cinematic eye candy that plays itself so you don’t need to bother. Because you can’t do both tactical and cinematic, I guess.

      Well, there was Resonance of Fate… but besides that.

      • doresh

        But taking control away DOES make it boring and monotonous. If this trend continues, FF will play like friggin Progress Quest. It boggles the mind Oo

      • doresh

        But it DOES make the battles boring and monotonous. And the eye candy ain’t helping, because if I want to see Advent Children, I go watch Advent Children.

        • Patrick Coyle

          I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply they succeeded at all. Because after glitzing up the battle system they also decided to fill each area with two or sometimes three groups of enemies, give them absurd hit point totals, and completely remove random elements like misses or critical hits to sometimes make battles different in any way, and basically make you more of a spectator then ever.

          But they wanted to do something different, and by God, it’s definitely different.

          • doresh

            If they continue with this trend, we’ll soon have “Progress Quest: The FMV”…

  • Mateusz K.

    This is the best kind of exciting thing that could happen to me today… and I’ve already fallen hard on my ass due to ice on the road this morning….

  • doresh

    14:00+ : Was that just an alchemist from The Dark Eye Oo ?!

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    Maybe because it’s not like X-2 or maybe it because of Mog or use of time-travel.

    • NickCaligo42

      I actually really like playing it a hell of a lot, it’s amazing to me what a fistful of tweaks and better pacing do to make a lot of the ideas from the first game not only tolerable, but enjoyable–but even then, I’d hesitate to call it coherent or focused. It hits a lot of dead-ends and is mostly predicated on nonsense, and makes little pretense about it. I could see that fact alone rubbing Spoony the wrong way. Like a condom with sandpaper in it.

  • Mateusz K.

    How much more awesome this can get? And thank you for the fuse box countgag – I love it, one of my favourites.

  • golden izanagi

    you know thinking about the beginning scene on the train I would think they would keep the highly trained elite soldier under close heavy guard, because its kinda funny how none of them found it suspicious that lightning just up and quits her job as a soldier of whatever the hell she was working for and volunteer to be exiled and probably killed. cause you know if I was that guy who was just given lightnings weapon when she quit I would think to call my boss and go “um yeah a known badass is volunteering to be under forced exile I think we should keep an eye on her” okay she probably would still escape but it would be allot smarter then I don’t know having the guy with the remote to the restraints walk in the same room as the prisoners.

  • James Magne

    JOKES. TELL JOKES. General description and criticism is not funny.

    • Fan_the_Flames

      Honestly I’m okay with it for the first part. He’s taking a more serious review about this and I can respect it. That “hallway” monologue just had me laughing about how true it is, and his points are valid. Also remember that this was supposed to be a look into his mind about what he thought the first day of playing the game on release, so it’s going to be more critique oriented. I expect it to change after, but I was happy to just hear his general view on a game to start. And as he said…this was the first hour of the game, just wait.

    • Andrew DeCaire

      Never stopped Angry Video Game Nerd.

    • Skelemelon

      This is still a review though, not just a riff session. General descriptions and criticisms may not be funny to you, but that’s not the same for others, Spoony can still make it funny.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      I think it’s funny.

    • Specter Von Baren

      I watch Spoony to be entertained, not specifically humored. If he does say something funny then it’s a bonus. Then again, my sense of humor is hard to get a reaction from.

  • Johannes Haglund

    This will be interesting. XIII is the one game in the series I actually hate, and with a passion. And the fact that Square-Enix made this atrocity specifically for western gamers is something I consider the biggest insult in video game history. XIII-2 is also really really bad, but not AS bad (Even though the ending made me want to defenestrate the game).

    • doresh

      This “We want to target Western gamers!” thing confuses me. I mean, we all bought Final Fantasy and other JRPGs when they were still Japanese as all hell. Why do they think we want it more “western” Oo ?

      • Matt Morgan

        Things were western enough for us to accept them before… because I mean, hell, all RPGs are based on D&D.

        If you think about it, almost all JRPGs are kind of like Earthbound. They are the Japanese culture’s take on concepts/landscapes/characters that are not their own (knights, mages, dwarves, elves, western style dragons). You could SEE that everything in the older games were very western influenced (they sometimes would add in an Asian area, where you can recruit a ninja or samurai, but the focus is on a character from a western style culture, like a knight)… and as the series has progressed, they’ve drifted further and further away from that, and have started to become more influenced by anime (maybe because anime became popular in the west at around the same time?)

        • doresh

          But they were still immensely popular with the stronger Japanese influence. FFVII is one of the most anime-ish games in the whole series, and also one of the most successful.

          Heck, Atlus and Level 5 make RPGs that look about as anime-ish as you can get, and look how popular they are.

          All in all, I don’t get why they suddenly think they have to become more western Oo

          • Matt Morgan

            Actually, Final Fantasy VII relies far more on Norse Mythology/Judaism/Christianity than anything. Cloud is Thor… he even crossdresses like him at one point. The Midgard Zolom/Serpent. Sephiroth’s name is a corruption of Sephirot, from the Kaabala (which isn’t norse, but still isn’t Japanese…. or freaking HOPE)

          • doresh

            I was talking more about the game’s style actually, with the spiky hair and the oversized sword and everything XD

          • Matt Morgan

            But then right next to him you have a big burly black man with a beard and a machine gun grafted onto his arm that speaks almost entirely in expletives. They make it fairly clear Cloud isn’t Asian (because there is an Asian town where the ninjas live, in that game). In fact, Cloud is also supposed to be like Nietzsche’s ubermensch (blonde, blue eyes, genetically created, perfect warrior, German).

          • doresh

            There are enough Anime characters who aren’t Asian. The typical Anime look doesn’t even look like any actual ethnic (can’t be Asian because of the skin color, but can’t also be Caucasian because of the non-existing nose and huge eyes).

  • Wade Seewald

    so the lady of pain sent that one guy into FF13

    • Matt Morgan


    • Rémi Maloney

      You are filled with win

    • silbmaerto

      Please tell me there’s a minotaur in this game.

      • Godmars

        Why? Their innate talent would be wholly wasted.

        • Paul Ross

          Well Minotaurs are at home in mazes so this would be like the ultimate torture for them.

          • Godmars

            Playing this game walking in a straight line was hardly a picnic for any of us buddy :p

          • Guest

            we’re apparently under the impression that ffxiii is a maze. It’s not. It’s a 90 mile long corridor

    • Kyle Rybski

      Thanks. I expected that reference during the hallway thing and felt empty when it didn’t come.

      • Mooneshadow

        I’m positive if we thought about it, he must have. I bet Spoony tries to an extent to keep Counter Monkey and some of his other reviews separate for the purpose of parsimony- that way someone new to the experiment might not be like- “Uh, Lady of Unpleasant sensations, watsdat? I thought this was Final hallway 13?”

        I know what you mean though- oh shiiiiit- they got mazed!

        • Wade Seewald

          yes but he said himself counter monkey is kind of what people watch the most and the gate way video

    • Paul Simmons

      Took me a second, but *golf clap* bravo.

    • Dylan Prince

      Bravo sir, bravo. My hat is off to you.

    • capthavic

      Truly a fate worse than death! XD

    • Ville

      Hah, very funny. I seriously would rather go through one of her Mazes than ever play FF XIII again. :)

  • Steven Black

    Not gonna lie, I found FFXII to be one of the worst games ever. Final Fantasy Star Wars, all you need to know right there. Vaan and Penelope are completely useless to the plot. However, I did enjoy putting all the characters to AI, walking around starting encounters, and drinking. Interactive movie, not a game. Like Dragon Warrior/Quest with Tactics, the AI plays extremely efficiently. A game you can play completely drunk though is poorly designed. Its like all the thought, all the tactics, you used to have to remember just don’t matter in Final Fantasy anymore. Point, click, and kill. And this is the thing, the games of our youth like Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy simply haven’t evolved. They haven’t changed. Tactics and thought just don’t matter in them anymore.

    Compare them to a game like Persona. Knowing your enemy and its attacks and weaknesses are key to victory, especially in P3. The thrill of dangerous combat is always there, because the game is made to be difficult, to challenge the player. The main character develops and interacts with the rest of the cast over time, and you get a sense of a changing world (I especially love Persona 2, since after every event, the people change what they say in every shop and area, and each individual area almost has its own little subplots). The game gives you a rationale in the rumor system in Persona 2. Whatever gossip people say becomes true, which makes the plot evolve along crazy lines, but it has a rationale for why things are happening, and as long as you accept that rumors can become the basis for reality (a concept which has a grain of truth in this world where what we say and write often reflects on how people feel about the subject being spoken about), you can accept that the game is primarily driven by these rumors. The game gives you this exposition in the very beginning of the game though. This is the way you tell a story, exposition in the beginning, then you grow the character’s relationships and change the game world over time.

    FFXIII seems to fail because there is no exposition. I watched a game review for 30 minutes and I have no idea what is going on here except empire bad, rebellion good. And that was the plot to FFXII! The characters seem to have zero chemistry, no relationships at all. No people to talk to, no towns, means less exposition, less of a world to explore. Look at a good game, like FFVII, the beginning of the game, exploring Midgar, you get a feel for the desperation of the slums, a world below a glittering city, a fallout of magical pollution that is slowly killing the people. This is what Avalanche is fighting, this is what you are fighting for, the people of the world, the lifestream, the world itself. The stakes couldn’t be higher. You feel empathy for the people of FFVII, down trodden and kicked down by Shinra, whether they are in the slums, have been dropped into the pits from the Golden Saucer unable to pay their debts, the proud people of Wutai who have been defeated by Shinra, and many more places. There is no place in the entire world that hasn’t felt Shinra’s touch, a congolmerate empire that cares nothing for the planet, only wanting more and more resources to fuel its war machine and its coffers. There is no chance to feel empathy for these people in FFXIII, because I have no idea what were are fighting for. Why are the rebels being persecuted by this empire? Why are these heroes fighting them? What is their motivations? Without answers to these basic questions, you have no real reason to care about these people or heroes. FFXIII is a gorgeous game, Lightning with that little wink is cute. FFVII is an ugly game built at a time of setting out into a new frontier of cutting edge technology, the beginning of an evolution from 2d to 3d gaming in RPGs. But it was never about the graphics, FFVII is compelling because you care about the heroes, the people of the world, even the Shinra villains are interesting like Hojo. FFXIII looks to be a game of flashy graphics with no underlying substance whatsoever. 30 minutes in and I have no idea who the bad guys are, what they are fighting to achieve, same thing with the heroes.

    I can see why this review is so hard. There is nothing so hard to review as nothing itself. When the game won’t tell you what is going on, how can you tell us?

    • yellowmage

      And it wasn’t even the first Final Fantasy Star Wars! At least they had the temerity to wait ten games before trying it again.

      • Steven Black

        Yeah I blocked FFII from my mind after playing it on PS1 as part of Final Fantasy I + II Origins, so bad it was.

      • doresh

        At least the other FF games before didn’t have a direct Bespin copy Oo

    • doresh

      Nicely said. Persona 3 was reall what saved my love for RPGs after I played FFXII.

      (Though I kinda like the way you could customize your teammate’s AI in XII. Too bad they ruined it by having Gambits somehow be part of Ivalice life Oo)

      • Steven Black

        The Gambit system, once you figured it out, honestly controlled the characters better than you ever could simply because the AI can do things instantly in response to conditions where you would need to switch through your character roster to control the specific character and set the command in. Thus playing the game while drinking and letting my gambits do all the work.

        • doresh

          Considering how often AI-partners turn out to be kinda stupid, it was actually a stroke of genius to let the players program the AI themselves using a simple, yet effective lego block programming language. It’s a shame nobody stole the idea, though…

          • Steven Black

            The Gambit system is rather interesting, I think it doesn’t make a good RPG technique. The key in RPGs is that you are making tactical decisions and movements and in control of the flow of battle, gambits and AI break that (I don’t like that I can’t control my allies in P3 either). Anything that takes away control, takes away from the feel that you are making the decisions in combat that ultimately lead to victory. Which is why I play strategy RPGs more than traditional ones these days, because I can control the whole battle every turn. However, it would make an amazing system in a lot of FPS games like Halo and Mass Effect for controlling your partners. Because all I want to do is control the main character and play the game rather than micromanage partners anyway.

          • doresh

            I prefer games were you have full control myself, but if I HAVE to settle for AI parters, I’d rather have something like the Gambit system – cause then I only have myself to blame when the AI screws up.

            (P3’s AI rather good btw, they just loved to spam those spells that remove elemental resistance on even the shortest of random battles <_< )

    • Andrew Scheil

      The Whole concept of forging relationships with people in Persona is incredibly stupid. All you do is just agree with whatever they say and make them happy. It’s not being a friend, it’s being a manipulative sociopath.

      • Tin Pham

        haha kinda true, but at least persona is trying to do something different

      • doresh

        Would you act any different if being BFFs with other people would strengthen your ability to control actual GODS and at least five different incarnations of EL DIABLO XD ?!

        It also helps that most of those people are actually very likable.

      • Steven Black

        The social link system isn’t the greatest, I prefer Persona 2’s demon contact personally. But, the thing is the social link system gives you an opportunity to learn about the characters in the game and actually care about them. Talking with your team every night allows you to see what they are currently working on and going through. All of it builds character and makes you want to get to the next section of the game, despite the grindfest that is the Persona, and that is the real genius there.

      • Samuel Kelley

        I always thought that the main characters in Persona games are just that. The ability to change your persona just seems to me like something only a sociopath should be able to do.

      • Tony

        Seriously? I specifically remember having to say certain chains of things, not necessarily negative or positive, to the person to advance the relationship (in persona 3). Just saying positive things did not work at all and would sometimes halt relationship progress. That’s not even getting into how you can, in fact, relate to people and agree with them. I would agree that how it’s done is horrible, though, but the idea itself is brilliant despite its heavy flaws.

        • Mooneshadow

          Eloquently stated.

      • Necrovarium

        You say that like it’s a bad thing. I’m sad now.

    • Godmars

      When where there ever any rebels or actual rebellion in FF13? The people are well cowed into their position by the start of the game. The people “fighting” just some sheep already on their way to the gallows when they’re inadvertently caught up in Lightnings nonsensical rescue plan involving some uber-gimmick she, as a low ranking solider, managed to get a hold of yet is easily broken and never seen or mentioned in the game again.

      • Steven Black

        Because prisoners versus Wardens is the same paradigm. Rebel versus Empire, Prisoner versus Wardens, People versus the State, it all boils down to people rebelling against the system. And you only care about that when the system is shown to be flawed.

        • Godmars

          Except in this case its only a solitary riot or escape attempt when the guards literally have tanks and fighter jets at their disposal as well as numbers in the legion. No trace of opposition until someone stands accused is not an outright rebellion. Is really only a sustained act of any kind for as long as the guys beating you with clubs don’t tire out.

    • Nicholas Cook

      It’s still an entertaining game though, it is still better than Call of Duty. That’s the most important thing lol.

      • Steven Black

        I don’t know, Call of Duty has put together better plots and more compelling stories then I have seen thus far in FFXIII, Modern Warfare for example. I don’t play too many FPS though, the newest generation of 3d games gives me vertigo bad.

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          If CoD has a plot, developers clearly don’t want us involved because we’re dropped into several locations every 20 minutes and shoot brown people.

          At least XIII has quite moments while Black Ops never calms the fuck down.

    • Saku Suonpää

      I have to disagree about the wrongness of FF12’s battle system. In all simplicity it lets you put all the micromanagement such as healing and basic attacking to automatic. You can also choose to not use it. Would the game be better if you had to pick the spells for everyone to use every turn? How is that anything else than busy work?. If you know you want to throw a phoenix down on a dead ally, might just as well make the gambit do it. Unless you happen to get some satisfaction from looking trough the item list to find it, why would you not want to just let the A.I do it. If you don’t want to use the gambits, don’t use them. It’s that easy. If somebody doesn’t want to spend their time every god damn minute finding cure spells from spell list, they can let the Gambit do it and if you want to do it yourself, do it yourself. It’s the player who decides what the Gambits do or do not. You can let A.I do your busywork or not. That is good thing, not a flaw.

      • Tyler Baker

        He was not talking about the gambit system but more so the illusion you get on real time combat from the game. The characters huddle around the enemy kinda walk around it a bit then perform their action. If you let the AI do all the work that is. And how you just sat there and waited for the stupid bar to go up waiting for your characters to do the move their waiting to do. The old turn based style was much more efficient and better. You dont have to search for healing items or important items ever. All you have to do is auto organize your inventory (which is in most games) The important items are always right there at the top. Same with the spells etc. They are not hard to find because they are set up in an organized way and make it easy to get the the element and type of spell you want. The gambit system is just stupid and lazy. It just takes away from the strategy part of the game by doing everything for you. If you forget to use a phoenix down or a healing potion or cast a spell then you fucking forgot end of story. Its like a crutch that some people need because their lazy as hell and dont feel like actually selecting the spells and items themselves. Which takes all of about 10 seconds. Sure its convenient to have if your lazy. But its just a stupid idea.

        • Tyler Baker

          Also i dont know about you but i dont feel the same satisfaction when fighting an enemy and beating a boss if im letting the AI handle the important stuff. Its just easy as hell and lazy. A 10 year old could easily play through this game without any trouble because the AI can just set everything up for them. If i cant even fight shit by myself and select the spells and attacks i want to use myself then i might as well just let the computer take over completely. I already being lazy letting it auto select shit for me i might as well just kick back and watch it beat the game. Its only a good idea if you are lazy as hell. Which most people seem to be!

          • Tariel Corbeau

            I don’t know why you would like that… I really don’t. Cause it is not YOU that is beating the monster, it is the computer. It basically takes away the human element from the games and just lets you watch a pretty movie. You know the last movie I saw that was made just because they could was AVATAR. Was that a good movie? Not really no. The plot is full of contrivance and cliches, but it is pretty to look at.
            When I buy a game, I want to PLAY it. Having a AI combat system just ruins the whole ‘gamer’ thing. You are NOT a gamer if you let a computer do all the work for you. I freely admit I am a lazy person, but I still play video games, and actually want to select combat for myself. No matter how bad my choice of using lightning on a thunderbird is, if I want to use it, I WILL USE IT. If I can sit down and comfortably read a book while playing a game, IT IS NOT A GAME.
            It is a movie. Not a game. You are just making the movie go forward. Having AI combat system is more for some kind of fighting game, or real time strategy risk sort of game. Where you can set your troops with certain points of commands.

          • Saku Suonpää

            See that is your opinion. Nobody forces you to use the gambit system. You can just as well get the phoenix down or let the gambit do it. If there is option to either leave it to A.I or do it just as manually as you want, why is it stupid to have both options out there?. If going trough menus that granted doesn’t take long gives you joy unlike it gives to me, that’s good for you, do it yourself. Just because you want to do it yourself, and can do it yourself if you so wish doesn’t make the POSSIBILITY of letting A.I do it stupid. If I spend my time fondling around with the Gambits to make them do what I would do in that situation, I get just the same satisfaction as doing it myself so I might just as well make busywork automatic. Its irrelevant how much you want to do and don’t want to do because Gambits let you customize that to either end of the spectrum. That is not flawed, that is solution that should make everyone happy but instead makes people bitch about for no good reason. And to make this clear. Game being easy and system being flawed are completely different matters. Don’t blame Gambit system for flaws of other aspects.

          • Maria White

            I’ll tell you in a way, why it is bad.

            Take for example Dragon Age Origins. In that game the combat is designed where you go into a combat mode and automatically attack, you keep attacking without pressing any buttons and to do special attacks you basically press another button while attacking normally, do that attack and just keep doing that.

            THEN you shift radically for the sequel to make it a almost mindless button masher where you just hammer the attack button until the enemy is dead. Yes you can do other attacks but that means stopping your attack and doing the other attack.

            The problem stems from having it SET in one way in the first game, then RADICALLY shifting it to the next game to a point where you are not really playing you are just mashing buttons.

            That is essence is what the problem is. You can have involved RPG plot where you can chose to be what… sixteen variations of the player character then just go to basically two. A fighter or mage. While in the first you can be a elf, a human, a dwarf, mage, or a fighter. You have a choice on your race and that EFFECTS dialogue. It effects the way you immerse yourself into the character. When the second game came out all I was doing was playing a person’s story. It wasn’t personal, it was you following a person’s story. All it did was allow you to do certain quests in a order you want. ((Not exactly like that mind you.))

            Do you see the problem?

            Final Fantasy has almost always had a problem with switching styles of game play EVER SINGLE ‘modern’ game of it. You have the materia of seven, the drawing magic of eight, the more six style playing of nine, then the battle system of ten, where you can switch players all you want. ((Unlike almost ANY other game.)) then they just keep changing game play mechanics until it just no longer is anything like a final fantasy game ever again.

            Taking out gameplay, just to make the game easier just speaks of poor game design. Like… using cheats. You put in a code to make yourself immune to all damage and there. You can play the game without worrying about dying. THAT is what you seem to like. While yes, you can use chose not to use the gambit system, most causal gamers would just blow through the entire game not caring about anything but beating the game.

            Which this series has become about. Getting causal gamers, or people that don’t actively play video games, to play the game. ((While gamers will buy the game, they are not the target audience.)) Like with ten, they found at the time since Eight most of their fans were girls. So what did they do? Make a character that girls can whine and mope over on how ‘hawt’ he is. Ten Two was made it was about fan service, pure and utter fan service. The girl gamer gets to run around being a chick doing girly things while her boyfriend can sit back and watch half naked girls prance around.

            Most games now a days are designed to make that ONE person who does not game, want to play this game. Which it should not be all about, it should be about the long time FANS about the series. Why do you think Spoony was in so much rage about Ulitima? Because it was no longer a game in that series. It was purely there to make money. ((Yes because I am going to use the tenth game as a jumping on point.-sarcasm)) They took a hatchet to everything it was and just made it so that ANYONE can play. While that is well and good and all, you have to consider the long time fans as well. And again comparing to Morrowind, when I played the fourth game, which I adore, I wanted to play the others and I have since. But once I got to oblivion it took me awhile to learn the new system for using items, looking at the map, all that junk. But once I learned it I could basically go anywhere in a moment.

            While Thirteen just has a huge long hallway where you can’t deviate from which thing you want to do. While yes I know Ten pretty much has that too, at least there you get to move around in said places and explore it, talk to people learn more about Spira and all that junk. There is just SO MANY problems in making the game not about anything, but graphics, and watching pretty people do pretty things in a pretty world full of shiny pretty monsters.

            Lastly, why is it stupid to have both? Did you really ask that? Basically it is doing this:

            Father shows a kid his gun.

            Father: Now don’t pull this trigger back firing the gun. I’m gonna put it on this shelf you can easily reach though. So don’t use it.

            Kid gets gun, kills someone by accident or purposefully.

            Again it is a cheating system within the game. I don’t know about you, but I always try to beat the game without using cheats. In… what thirteen? Or was it twelve? I forget because I don’t play any ‘fancy’ final fantasy game. ((Fancy as in pretty, give me polygons any day of the week.)) Basically it is giving you a loaded gun, telling you how to use it, and then just leaving it there waiting for you to use it without anyone stopping you from using it. ((People kill people, not guns, it would be the same for a knife.)) There is also the point on making these games very realistic so that you HAVE TO believe a grown man and punch a ten ton metal dog and not break his hand. There is like Spoony said a certain line of suspension of disbelief. The more ‘real’ you make something the less we believe a guy can punch out that ten ton machine. Do you get that at least?
            Also the fact of there are all these guns around, yet your character uses a sword. Mythbusters may have proved you can bring a knife to a gun fight and maybe, just maybe win. But in all seriousness in all REALITY you can’t run up to a person carrying a uzi with a buster sword expecting no to be ventilated by bullets and dying. The more REALISTIC you make something the more the real world comes knocking on your door and saying “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!”

        • rock1644

          Dragon Age Origins did the exact same thing and nobody complained about it. Gambits don’t automatically play the game for you, not even close.

    • rock1644

      I don’t really think you played much FFXII. The Gambits don’t automatically play the game for you, and the enemies definitely have different attacks and weaknesses to pay attention to. Its funny that you mention Persona 3 when that game’s combat is basically an easier version of SMT Nocturne’s combat, and you have no control over your teammates besides vague commands that change what they do slightly.

      The Persona games are also significantly more linear then FFXII is as well.

      FFVII was considered a “cutting edge” game at the time. People thought it was a movie with the commercials they showed for it. Just look at them, there’s no gameplay whatsoever!

      • Steven Black

        I beat FFXII actually. I never really found myself caring about the enemy strengths and weaknesses, just sort of mowed them down honestly. An unsatisfying and forgettable RPG experience. Reminds me a lot of FFIX honestly. Not hate, just apathy and boredom towards the game.

        • Samantha Mumba

          I shook things up on my 2nd playthrough, I just used one character, made the super strong, and had fun simply being too buff for the rest of the game.

          I enjoyed this more than FFIX. Nothing about that game sat right with me.

        • Andrew Boyce

          That’s just one of the cardinal sins of gaming: Being really damn boring.

    • Groundzero Vagias

      This is a comment of someone who never really understood what they played or didnt really played the game and just bitch about it cause its cool.
      FFxii was the best in the series in terms of gameplay

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Call of Duty never explains what is going on. The difference is that XIII is pretty with beautiful and unique-looking characters will CoD is all grey and brown graphics and the good guys are white men who shout.

    • Ville

      In FF XII you still have to use your brain when you set your party’s gambits to hack enemies automatically. In FF XIII you are only required to press X and keep running through an endless corridor – an endless limbo where your brain cells come to die. I can’t understand people that prefer the corridor of XIII over the open world of XII.

      FF VII was the most impressive looking game of it’s time, the graphics greatly enchanced the game’s appeal.

      • Steven Black

        FFVII in cutscenes and battle maybe, but the polygons used for the characters during exploration were pretty bad. I remember thinking to myself at the time that Suikoden had so much better graphics because the sprites were so much cleaner. But that’s one of my personal preferences. I prefer simple graphics that are cleaner. Its one of the reasons that to this day, I still think Chrono Trigger is a masterpiece graphically, using simple graphics that were clean and conveyed everything that they needed to do. And its one of the reasons I really love Valkyrie Profile on Playstation, simple 2d graphics that had a foreground and background and were like art. I remember just staring at the background art on statues and other objects just saying to myself wow.

        I never found FFVII’s graphics to be its main appeal ( I prefer FFVI’s cleaner sprite work in fact (see above)). To me, exploring Midgar in the early going got me personally invested in Avalanche’s quest to save the world. I had an investment in the characters of the world early, as well as the heroes and villains. I never missed a chat action with an NPC because I wanted to know what was going on in the area. And Square did a great job making each area feel unique. Like FFVI, FFVII uses a masterful soundtrack, including probably the best overworld theme of them all (A statement I do not make lightly, as I really like FFIV’s). Midgar provided the atmosphere for the game, the characters were good (even the side characters like Yuffie and Vincent have a lot of motivations), and the soundtrack phenomenal. That said there were some graphical moments that were like Whoa! Specifically summoning Titan and Leviathan for the first time. Their summon sequences were great.

        FFXII is simply not memorable. Oh its a wide and open world, but I have zero investment in it. I don’t care about the characters in the game, I don’t care about the various races or cultures, I don’t care about the Empire, I don’t care about the war. If you want me to explore every nook and cranny of your world, like I did in FFI, FFIV, FFVI, FFVII, and FFX+2 (I hate Tidus and Wakka. But I cared about Yuna, Kimhari, Auron, Jecht, and the people of Spira caught in the web of Sin’s cycle and the aftermath of it), I need to care about the world and its characters to put forth that kind of effort. The Gambit system, once I figured it out was the icing on that cake. I don’t even care enough about this game to play it sober, because the game will literally do it for me as long as I set up the Gambits properly. And if the game was a challenging as you say it was why did I not die more playing it? But this comes down to me simply disliking automation in my RPGs generally, it takes you out of the experience when you no longer control your characters in any facet of the game, even combat.

        This all said, I never said FFXII was a bad game. I don’t hate it. I just feel nothing for it. Like FFIX, the game never grabbed me and made me care about it. My feelings are simply meh, I feel boredom and apathy towards it. Whereas FFVIII has nothing but my seething contempt. Sadly though, hate is a feeling. Which means technically I care about FFVIII enough to loathe it. But in the case of FFIX and XII I feel nothing at all, just that I wasted time and money on an empty experience.

        Maybe FFXII could have had a chance to grab me, but I have already played a lot of games like it. Phantasy Star Online, Dot.hack, etc. All of these I have played already and it felt like the same experience but with better AI.

        • Ville

          I love FF7 just like you do. I didn’t have Playstation back when it was released but I bought FF7 for PC and with the right graphics drivers the game looked even better on PC. I still have my copy and I will never sell it for any price. Especially if you compare FFVII to other 3D model games on PSX, like Persona 2 or Xenogears, it looks absolutely fantastic. To say that the design philosophy behind FF7 was less concentrated on audiovisuals than the modern FF games is a bit misleading since that was primarily due to the technical limitations of PSX.

          Personally I was quite impressed by FFXII, to me it felt like a more mature FF game: your party was not the center of attention but rather just tiny specs in a much larger picture. It felt much like many western RPGs in it’s open nature. I agree that ultimately the story was flawed and some characters could have been better, but at least they didn’t make me want to strangle myself like Snow and Hope did in FFXIII.

    • Samantha Mumba

      I think FFXII was great fun to PLAY…story wise…I didn’t care. Square enix seem to be great at making FF games FUN now…just fuck up the rest of it. Well, IMO anyway.

      • Steven Black

        That’s just the thing. I didn’t find FFXII to be fun to play, just boring. I just beat the Persona 2 Innocent Sin (not as good as Eternal Punishment, but still quite worthy). I started Persona 3: FES again. I finally got the system’s rhythm down now with it being in late fall. Crafting some auto-tarukaju weapons for all my characters. Making some significant Persona upgrades in Thor and Titania for example. A lot of them have Growth 2 allowing for XP even when not currently activated (XP/2, but still). But it took me six months of in the game playing to really get to this point where I was comfortable with the Persona weapon grafting (Thor makes Mjolnir!), as well as the New Fusion system where various powers get ported from persona to persona. I thought Yuko (R9) was gonna tear me apart with Chihiro’s (R3) obvious hitting on me when cleaning up the school festival making it imply I had been two-timing her (and from Chihiro’s perspective I guess R3 is a big deal right there since she is so introverted). Its touches like that where the game takes into account your various social links and forms a living scene based on your decisions, that makes it come alive to me. The fighting is just boring grinding as usual, but it leads to moving the plot along. Because I enjoy the characters and the story here, it makes the grinding not so bad. Now that I got the hang of it, the grind isn’t so bad either (I’m a lot better at avoiding on screen enemies for example, and have learned to appreciate the bow and spear for their more precise enemy targeting). The thing about FF is that the rewards for the combat are usually bad plot and characters, it makes it hard to get motivated in their games these days.

        Even Dragon Quest VI which I am playing on DS has certain decision points that change things and make your decisions matter. I told a character that he was actually a were dragon, and causing problems in town at night. By doing so he left town, and I’ll never see him again, even though I did the quest and got the seed of reason that would turn him back, my decision to tell him the truth about his situation permanently lost me a character. I don’t like the result, but its completely deserved. My decision matters. You wouldn’t expect that from a DQ game either usually, they tend to be very linear but there it is.

        I don’t feel that in FF. Like if I wasn’t there at the controls, it would go the same exact way. In the first FF, the first and only decision is what party to use. It may be the only one, but it changed the game every time. FFIV has some various side quests. Maybe they aren’t important to the overall story arc, but saving Yang from his amnesia was important to me, and was part of a sidequest essentially. FFVI, the entire World of Ruin is a sidequest. If you were hardcore you could try to take on Kefka at any time (Even with 4 characters once you got the airship). Or try and find all the characters and reunite the whole team, totally immersion in a world of ruin trying to save the world that had been shattered. FFVII has a couple of optional characters in Vincent and Yuffie, and you miss some awesome stuff if you don’t get them. FFVIII plays the same every time. Nothing feels different each game. And I feel the same with every main FF since then. No more optional characters, very few sidequests and side areas. They all feel like a rail, no more so than this one, FFXIII which just gives you it without even trying to make anymore illusions of freedom. I really like FFX and even FFX-2 (plagued with side quest-ism, too many bad minigames, the battle system is good, and beyond the stupid true ending, it serves as an excellent epilogue to FFX. Although this might be Stockholm Syndrome as well), but FFX is a rail. Completely. FFX-2 is actually much more open than FFX except for the one chapter they video record all the events in Spira for you (very scripted and dull honestly). Too bad the open game forces you to play all these terrible minigames. ugh.

        FFXII had a pretty big open world, but for all the hunter quests, it felt like nothing mattered at all to the plot. The game world feels big and expansive, but the plot inconsequential, secondary. A big world where nothing happens feels small to me. Just the way it is. It got the way to set up the world right, FF should be open, it should be about exploration. But they forgot that FF is primarily a character and story driven series. Ivalice is an awesome game setting. How does this game relate to FFT? That’s the one question I felt unanswered. Why do I care about FFT? Well its a rail mostly, but it has a ton of secret dungeons and characters to collect. It feels like old FF. But the game world was a kitchen sink of easter eggs from other FFs (The PSP version even adds Balthier). I wanted to know about the time of St. Ajora and the 12 zodiac stones. How does FFXII relate to the rest of the games set in Ivalice? These questions are not answered, instead there is a FF star wars rip off with no inventiveness. If you want me to immerse myself in your world, give me a world worthy of that.

  • Tom Neill

    tis the return of the all mighty spoony one!

  • CornBRED-X

    Ya, I really did not like this game. A lot of the things you mentioned I couldn’t stand, and that 25 hours you talked about after the opening, was asinine. I couldn’t take it anymore. Supposedly it gets better after that, but I didn’t want to drag through all that tedium anymore.

    Tear this game apart Spoony!

  • Jovan Stipic


  • sbkMulletMan

    That really was a bad motto. I was more focused on thinking “wait, that person’s a MAN?” than I was focusing on their little motto. I did indeed immediately forget what it even was.

    I’m very much like Spoony in the sense that I just cannot “switch off” my brain when it comes to these things. What can I say, I like to think. The unforgivable linear world and gameplay is bad enough, but my god, you can tell no thought at all went into this. It’s just “okay, our characters need to find themselves in a situation where they fight things. Just make it happen, people will buy this game no matter what, effort and ideas just push back that release date!”

    Not every game necessarily needs to be a Legacy of Kain when it comes to an intellectual story and setting, but holy hell, give us something better than *this*! But, as I mentioned, Square knows that they don’t need to put in any thought or effort into things. They know people will buy it no matter what.

    This is why I stopped bothering with Final Fantasy years ago and basically jumped ship to Elder Scrolls games. I’ll take the gargantuan world of Daggerfall over this “hall-crawl” any day. And speaking of which; Daggerfall’s dungeons mainly consist of hallways, but they are immensely labyrinthine, and you will get lost like crazy while exploring them. That’s how you do hallways.

    • doresh

      Me too. What was the motto again Oo ?

      I also stopped bothering and learned to love Dragon Quest (which are simple, oldschool – but hey, it still works and his fun!) and Shin Megami Tensei (which is challenging and features great storytelling with characters you actually care about).

  • Andrew DeCaire

    Okay Spoony, I will admit this game sucks but there are “Changes that suck because they suck” and “changes that suck just because they’re different from previous games” 12’s battle system did not suck, it was unique. But you never said said any points as to why 12’s battle system sucked aside from “it’s different” Maybe if you reviewed 12 and said in further detail… but you skipped 12 despite you’ve complained about it time after time. Maybe you don’t hate it that much? Please give further analysis because I really would like to know more of your opinion.

    • NickCaligo42

      In point of fact, Spoony actually really liked 12, and he’s said so fairly frequently. That’s why he didn’t review it — he actually thought it was good.

      • Andrew DeCaire

        That’s nice to hear, though like I said, all I ever heard was him complain. But I’ll take your word for it.

    • doresh

      Unique? Have you ever played an MMORPG?

      • Andrew DeCaire

        Not really, I heard it’s battle system was ripped straight out of 11. But the thing is, 12 isn’t a MMORPG. That’s what makes it all the more special.

        • doresh

          It’s a MMORPG without the MM. That might be special, but not in the good kind of special…

          • Andrew DeCaire

            really? Oh okay. To me it’s just Square trying something different, yet unlike 13 isn’t horrible beyond words. Same with 2. I was okay with the system in 2, but apparently people hated it just because it was “Different”
            “Zelda 2: The adventure of Link” had the same problem.

          • doresh

            FFX had a different combat system, and I don’t hear people complain about it.

            People didn’t hate 2 because it’s different, they hated it because the system is flawed: You had to let enemies pummel you all day in order to survive tougher encounters, shields were mandatory because your Evasion only increases if you can actually manage to evade, and your mage’s ability to cast spells would take a nosedive if you run out of MP and are forced to use a weapon.
            (The various ports fixed most problems, so I’m actually rather curious)

          • Andrew DeCaire

            I only played the GBA and PSP versions so I guess I didn’t get most of the errors. Though I basically cracked the system, instead of hurting the enemy, attack my teammates, heal them, attack them again… repeat. Which seriously raises their HP and defense. I’m pretty sure many other players discovered that.

          • doresh

            Which is probably why they found the system to be a bit weird XD

  • yellowmage

    So I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t include XI in your little “FFs getting worse after VIII” rant. Is it because it was online? You included XIV, which technically doesn’t exist in that form anymore due to the impending reboot. Or could it be because, according to those who have actually played, it, XI is generally agreed to have one of the best settings and storylines in the entire series? Say what you will about it being an MMO, FFXI is definitely worthy of being a main-series game.

    On the subject of XII, however, I’m glad you agree that Vaan is worse than Tidus (with whom I actually had no problem). Never mind his personality, at least Tidus had a definite place in the storyline; confronting his issues with his father who had been transformed into the core of a giant space whale threatening Yuna’s world. Vaan has no place in FFXII’s plot at all! Nothing would have changed if he wasn’t in the game. I actually like Penelo, BTW; at least she isn’t insufferable, delusional and doesn’t have an inflated position in events she doesn’t deserve.

    And I actually like FFXIII. I like it a lot. If you actually take a moment and think about it from a wider angle, the linearity actually makes sense in the context of the story. it also helps that Snow is the first (co-)protagonist who can in no way be described as scrawny and physically effeminate.

    Still, I enjoyed the reviews for FFs VIII, X and X-2, and I’m sure I’ll enjoy this too.

    • Matt Morgan

      Is FFXI still online? Because if not, how would he play it for reference?

      No, it’s not effeminate to get punched, and outranked, by a super petite woman… not at all

      • yellowmage

        Yes, it’s still online! It’s the most profitable FF game ever!

        And I said PHYSICALLY effeminate. He’s manly! The first manly FF protagonist since… (let’s see, Ashe, Yuna, Tidus, Zidane…) …ever, I think!

        • Steven Black

          Really cannot disagree with you more there. Cecil was definitely a manly protagonist in FFIV. I consider Locke to be the main male protagonist of VI, trying to protect both Terra and Celes during the whole of the story. He is a thief, so not very physically strong, but he has a strong sense of what is right. Cloud is where things changed, he is a physical brute, but mentally he is a lot like Kain, his own delusions have taken him over and he made a deal with the devil for power, mako energy having given him strength but at a great cost to his self control. Then emo Squall and the cliff begins.

          • yellowmage
          • doresh

            Even bishies can be manly when they have actions to back it up XD

          • yellowmage

            Oh, that I don’t deny. I was typing mainly in terms of appearance.

          • doresh

            The bishounen look is just something Yoshitaka Amano can’t seem to diverge from too far. That and drawing blonde characters Oo

          • Steven Black

            My eyes! What did they do in those remakes? I played it on SNES, so none of this CGI garbage.

          • Tariel Corbeau

            THAT IS A MAN?!?!
            My god, I have more MANLY LOOKS THAN THAT. And that is the truth.

            With very little effort I can pass as a man, as sad as that might sound I don’t mind. BUT THAT?! THAT IS A WOMAN!!
            WOMAN! Not man! OH DEAR GOD! What did they do to the hero I liked above all else? One that took on a horrible power, then realized his mistake too late? Oh dear god… I need…. I need booze.

            Only have a bottle of Kraken left…. but that’s okay… I have several vodkas… I can drink myself to death. Yes that is the best idea I ever had.

        • Matt Morgan

          To me, it seems like Lightning is playing the daddy (silently just does what she has to do) of the group and Snow is the mommy (always trying to give all these big speeches and empower everybody)

          • Tyghost

            That has been the dynamic between the swordsman and monk archetypes since FFVI. Celes and Terra are the more silent, strong warriors to Sabin’s upbeat, CHARGE! attitude. Cloud is a strong, somewhat quiet warrior in contrast to Tifa’s motherly attitude. Squall and Zell should be self-explanatory. FFIX is the exception. FFX has the contrast you mentioned between Auron the serious badass swordsman and Wakka (the closest thing the game has to a monk). Lightning and Snow are continuing that tradition.

    • Andrew DeCaire

      I respect you for that, liking his review despite he’s tearing apart a game you love. Though to be honest his review of FF8 inspired me to actually play it, and I like it.

    • Steven Black

      I just enjoy the fact that FFXIV was so bad that they literally had an in-game apocalypse to nuke their own game world and reboot it. And sadly that is one of the first signs of class and a sense of humor we have seen from Squareenix in a long time.

    • NickCaligo42

      Nobody really acknowledges 11. It was just sort of “average” for an MMO, not really exceptionally bad, not really exceptionally good, its only remarkable feature being that it bears the Final Fantasy name, and even then it didn’t make any particular impact on the series or fans’ perception of it. For that reason it’s not worth talking about in the context of these reviews, I don’t think — you could sum it up with “meh.” He could talk about it, but he probably doesn’t know anything about it to begin with.

      Whereas XIV was famously pushed out the door in a catastrophically unfinished state and stands as one of the worst failures in both the MMO market and the series history.

      On 13: Even if it does make sense symbolically, it REALLY doesn’t make for good entertainment, storytelling, game design, or product design. While you like to THINK that this is some allegory for predestination, I can tell you that was the furthest thing from the developers’ minds.

      According to a postmortem that the team shared about the game through Game Developer Magazine, basically, FF13 was made in less than a year, closer to around six months. While they did spend quite a long time cranking out art assets prior to that, nobody could agree on the direction that either the story or the gameplay should take, and the director, Motomu Toriyama, didn’t really have the nerve to reign his team in. As such, they didn’t have any gameplay developed or story written up until they released a demo alongside Advent Children Complete in late 2009. That segment, which consisted of everything from the start of the game up to the third boss fight, with a couple of spells thrown in, was literally everything the team had to show for their work since the announcement in 2006, apart from maybe some pre-rendered cutscenes that were made in absence of a greater story framework. The release date was less than a year away, so they finally just gave up and nailed the game to a series of linear corridors with cutscenes in between.

      If the story feels like they were sort of making it up as they went, it’s because they were making it up as they went. If it feels like the game is unfinished, or poorly thought out, it’s because it’s unfinished. I doubt I’ll do anything to sway you from enjoying this game (I shouldn’t, like whatever you want to like), but I felt a need to put this into perspective. This was, apart from FFXIV, the single most disastrous production in Square’s history, a product that was disappointing for basically everyone involved, the studio included. There really isn’t a deeper meaning or intent to the incoherence or bare-bones content, and what symbolic or allegorical ties the studio DID make are more them trying to rationalize a crummy product and keep some dignity intact than actual, intelligent writing.

      • doresh

        That’s sadly all I feared what went wrong with FFXIII…

        I fear this might repeat with Versus XIII. It was announced together with FFXIII, and I think they have yet to actually start development Oo

        • NickCaligo42

          Versus was working with just the core team — that being Nomura, a handful of leads, and just enough of a skeleton crew to put together a demo and basic systems. They announced… I THINK earlier this year that they were finally ramping up, but rumors have been spreading since summer that it might have quietly been canceled.

          • doresh

            Seeing the colossal financial failure that was FFXIV (with no way of telling whether or not the reboot will turn out any more successful), I think that might be the smartest move for now until they’ve taken a few steps away from the abyss.

          • NickCaligo42

            Eh, it depends. On one hand it showed genuine promise, in that it plays like Kingdom Hearts but stars an actual adult-ish character in an actual original setting and not a kid with too much hair gel and clown shoes shoehorned into a Disney setting. Personally I’ve been waiting for that for a very long time and I’m dying to see them release it. On the other hand, they’ve made so many missteps in the past six or seven years that they’ll be paying for over the rest of their forseeable careers that it might sadly be the wiser choice…

  • Кайл Дорнез

    Is it okay that I’ve watched this thirty minutes of a clip and still have ABSOLUTELY no idea who the hell Lightning is and that afro-chocobo dude is, and who the hell everyone is and what they were doing? Or that was intentional, in order to replicate the feel of a game? O_o

    • doresh

      Intentional. The game itself takes age before it even explains its weird terminology they kept uttering over and over again.

      • Nyaore

        And what’s worse is that for every explanation they do give in game, ten more are simply shoved in the codex/library where you have to hunt them down to know what’s actually happening.

  • Joel Frapart

    Wow. This was such a chore to get through. Remember back in the day when Spoony was funny? I think I lightly chuckled about 4 times in this whole video, which makes sense cause I think there were about 4 actual jokes in this. This whole review is the equivalent of Matthew Broderick saying “That’s a lot of fish” stretched out into 30 minutes.

    I mean the long road rant was justifiable as it was based on an actual legitimate point, then you start ranting about an incredibly minor point like the silly looking robes. This point only deserves one minute of a rant and that’s if your being excessive. Then you go on about this point for almost a third of the review, trailing off into other points with no regard for structure to the point where at the end your not even talking about the game anymore, and then you just admit that you’ve just been ranting about a minor point. I don’t get this. If you know these rants suck, why do you keep including them in your videos? They’re not funny, they’re not informative, and they don’t “make us understand how truly bad the game is.” They’re just boring

    • Joel Frapart

      Why doesn’t anyone ever reply to my posts? :(

      • Matho Depetris

        You have a point, really..i like Spoony´s reviews but well…better wait for the second part!
        (also: your second post make me sad xD)

  • Guido Palombi

    Good job man, can’t wait for part 2 !
    I really had the same reaction on the afro hair/ bird nest thing !
    The hallway speech made my day, mainly because it’s the primary reason I can’t play jrpgs anymore.

  • avery cawley

    I played FFXIII when it came out. When i played it, i loved it, the music the characters for the most part, the visuals. it was all very good… but then i realized, how tedious the combat is. how complicated the plot was. How linear and boring the gameplay was (i fell asleep many times playing the game) I never finished the game, for several reasons. but mostly i just stopped caring.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      This is pretty much exactly what happened to me. In fact, so quickly did my enjoyment wear off that I actually made it up to final boss, died once, and decided I didn’t care enough to beat the game.

    • Jdenn

      Also, lets not forget the positioning system sucks, when you’re playing sometimes the big bad would only hit 1 person and kill them, other times, your whole group would bunch up, causing the whole team to get severely damages in one hit

      • Aschthebloody

        and lets not forget that AI controlled healers always heal status ailments first, even if you have only 1hp left on the controlled character.

  • Mitchell Bandes

    I think you’re mistaken, Spoony. XIII-2 is better than its predecessor.

    It has nothing to do with XIII’s story at all.
    It has a more coherent plot.
    You have either play the characters seriously, or make them act like complete morons at every available opportunity.
    Hope’s not a whiny little bitch anymore.
    You can actually grow your characters however you want.
    You’re not trapped in a hallway of doom.
    Unlockable alternate endings.
    Monster collecting. It’s no Pokemon, but it’s pretty fun.
    You don’t lose when your leader is KO’d, but your other party member is alive.
    CLOCK PUZZLES. (I am not even joking, those things are like the next Sudoku.)

    In fact, there are only two bad things in this game; and even then, Chocolina does get some good moments, and you have the ability to abuse Mog for hours on end.

    • NickCaligo42

      Are you kidding? Chocolina is fucking glorious. “You want a shopkeeper? Fine! We’ll GIVE YOU a fucking shopkeeper. OH BOY are we gonna give you a shopkeeper!”

      What I’m going to guess is that he’s going to reach the same conflicted state as he did on X-2. Remember he was leading into that with a lot of build-up on how it’s “way worse,” only to backpedal and talk about a lot of improvements it made. Then again, its improvements were predicated on nonsense, its storyline was fairly obnoxious and badly thought-out, and … to be honest, XIII-2’s is as well, and it makes even less pretense about how much nonsense it is, almost as if it’s doing self-parody. I enjoy that aspect of it a hell of a lot, myself, it’s really refreshing and encouraging to see that Square’s able to take the piss out of themselves a bit, but I can see it not sitting well with Spoony.

      • doresh

        Chocolina? Who the hell is that?



        Why, Square? Why must you include goofy stuff in your games when you’re so keen on making it look ultra-hyper-realistic Oo ?!

        • Specter Von Baren

          Is there something wrong with me that I did the exact same thing as you but as soon as I saw a picture of her I was like, “…….. AWESOME!”

          • doresh

            I dunno. Somehow, this chick and the Chocobo in the afro don’t quite fit into the world Oo

          • Specter Von Baren

            I assume you made that comment because you read up on Chocolina’s backstory?

          • doresh

            Sorry, but her looks are enough for me XD

        • Tariel Corbeau

          That is… the most stupidly awesome thing I have ever seen.
          I wonder if you could ‘fly’ in that outfit… it is a final fantasy game after all. And I’m supposed to suspend ALL belief in a actual world with things like gravity.

      • Mitchell Bandes

        I admit, I do like Chocolina. I thought she was annoying as hell at first, but then she grew on me, to the point that I was almost sad when she pointed out that they wouldn’t be meeting again after the final dungeon. She DOES take some warming up to, though.

        I was just really thrown for a loop when Spoony said that XIII-2 was worse, when I was so sure he’d have the same “I kinda like it…?” reaction as he did when he introduced X-2. (But then again, he did show footage from a completely optional ending that you can only get to by beating the main game, so he probably is just playing it up.)

  • John

    Have a gun, and fire it once, never see it again. Outlander, man did that movie suck.

  • Dan K


  • Dante Miccoli

    Love the Godot joke.

  • James Enri


    I’ve been waiting for this for… ever!~

  • Nyaore

    So it’s finally here, let the delicious cries of pain commence.
    Seriously, this game was so utterly boring up until you actually get to Gran Pulse. I had some fun with it once that happened, because you could actually EXPLORE, but the damage the previous twenty hours had inflicted was non-reversible. It shouldn’t take that long for any game to become even slightly enjoyable, and I’m still utterly flabbergasted as to why the developers thought subjecting gamers to the endless hallway from the first half was a good design choice. I guess they might have seen other games where said hallway actually worked to some degree and thought it’d be a good design to try in their newest installment? Because the only other excuse I can see for it is utter laziness, which I don’t want to resort too since they obviously put a lot of effort into other parts of their level rendering.
    Anyways I eagerly look forward to the next video, oh Spoony One.

    • doresh

      My theory is that the “genius” idea of developing the game alongside its engine resulted in the developers having to start certain section from scratch repeatedly. Running out of time, they said “screw this, just make a single hallway!” and we got just that.

    • Doleth

      Then you get to Gran Pulse after hearing so much from your friends about how you can actually explore and such, only to realize it’s essentially 4 hallway with one big room in the middle with the same old battles over and over again.

  • kle4

    I liked FFVIII and FFX, but I don’t think I got more than an hour or two into FFXIII. I keep meaning to go back and try it out again, as I feel like I should like it OK, but I never do.

    I probably should have tried playing it again before watching Spoony review it then, as I very much doubt I will be able to view it objectively, after seeing someone rip into it before I play it!

    • NickCaligo42

      You would think so, but go ahead and give it a go anyway before he gets into his next part of the review. This one really only covers the first… what, hour or two?

  • Meghan Cat-Lady Hendrickson

    Ha haaaaa, man do I love watching me some Spoony. I am so glad I wasn’t drinking something when you did the “I don’t know, what’s the matter with you” bit because I burst out laughing so hard XD I loved every second of it, including the rant at the end because my mind works the same way. Can’t wait to see more, which I’m sure you don’t want to hear because that means you have to keep playing the game. Doh! I’m off to watch your Ripper riffs again, cause damn it, it just makes my day a little more a-fucking-mazing.

  • Strelnikov

    I saw those robes as a knockoff of the “Assassin’s Creed” games and the glowing crap on them as a ripped-off element from the “Tron” movies. Meanwhile the mechs remind me of the Angels in “Neon Genesis Evangelion”, especially their mouths.

    “Final Fantasy 13: please excuse our kleptomaniac art department.”

    • zhellas

      I think you’re reading too much into it.

      • Strelnikov

        Nope. I know ripping off, and much of this game is made up of “recycled” stuff.

  • BlackBeWhiteDX

    Am I the only one who hated Snow’s band of trendy hipster rebels?

    • doresh

      Who needs likable rebels XD ?!

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Being upbeat and positive doesn’t a person likeable. This applies to the girls of K-ON! as well.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      They were protecting Cocoon BEFORE it was cool.

    • David_Dennings

      I hated them all because fuck Tetsuya Nomura.

      • harggggg

        Fuck Nomura indeed.

    • Bill Hiers

      I do, and I haven’t even played the game…

  • He that knows

    Why look a new Final Fantasy video on this website! Why yes my productivity just plummeted

  • ctck

    @ around 24 minutes, the afro’s fall into the antigravity field, as sheldon said, “in what space?!”
    Even if he technically didn’t hit the ground he still decelerated much to fast for any human body to withstand. Physics fail.

    • doresh

      So you’re expecting realism from that one JRPG series thriving for the most realistic graphics of them all?

      Wait what Oo ?!

      Anyone else think all those crazy FF settings, ridiculous character designs and over-the-top, skyscraper-cleaving and mecha-punching action scenes would feel much better with Cel-Shading?

      (It’s not like the animation, graphics and FMV teams seem to rather be making actual movies or anything…)

  • Gregory Bogosian

    At this point in the game, does the player know any motivation of any character? Or even when and where the story takes place?

    • Zoomy333

      Nope. At best you might know that they’re in Cocoon, that there’s a Purge going on and that’s it really. You might also know about Lightning’s sister and Snow’s fiancée.

      • Gregory Bogosian

        So from a narrative perspective, everything that has happened so far is superfluous.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Serah’s hardly seen as Lightning’s sister because Lightning never got screentime alone with Serah.

  • Sara Jean

    Is it just me, or does Snow look exactly like Seifer?

    • doresh

      That’s nothing. Lightning is basically the twin sister of Yuna and Ashe.

  • Trey Scott

    the Hallway in this game reminds me of the railway in Lost odssey, but atlest that was only one area!

  • Favio Ferreira

    You can rip apart Final Fantasy XII all you like, but the fact remains: it wasn’t bad enough to warrant an entire review by Spoony.

    • doresh

      Which is too bad. All the grinding in that game always makes me zone out and forget the whole plot, so a neat abridged version would’ve been nice XD

      • Tariel Corbeau

        He is probably gonna touch on it later.

    • Stephen Moyer

      I liked it… wish I still had a PS2 and the game…

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      Well I hate Final Fantasy XII with a passion but I still agree with you.

      It had 2 major flaws, the combat system and being over all a boring setting.

      And my hate for the game stems from it breaking my third commandment of video gaming; being forgettable.

    • doresh

      The story’s too boring anyways.

  • Carter Rosen

    yay! I was looking forward to this.
    … did I just type “yay”?

  • Milo Gotje

    Your complaint about the warmech is kind of silly most video
    game characters can take on things 20 times their size.

    This game is pretty linear but really all final fantasy
    games are basically linear until you get the best vehicle final fantasy 13 just
    removes all illusions.

    To be honest having actually played the game I kind of like final
    fantasy 10 its not perfect by any means the dub is pretty bad(yuna is way worse
    than tidus) most the characters designs are pretty stupid and tidus can be a
    bit annoying but overall the combat is great the world interesting the story
    and some of the characters good I don’t even particularly dislike tidus (and he
    actually is really important to the story) in fact while I agree with a lot of
    your points about the spere grid I still like the system.

    Before any of you start hunting me down I’m too young to
    vote yet so no reason to kill me until I’m 18.

    • doresh

      Guess it has something to do with the graphics. Someone already talked about this in an earlier comment.

      Basically, hypercharged Anime fighting doesn’t quite work if you use photorealistic graphics, because then you just have a thin lady with a weird sword beating up a giant-ass killbot with buzzsaws and a wave-motion gun that she can just shrug off.
      It’s basically like a live-action movie employing Looney-Tunes-physics. It’s just weird.

  • Lik Chan


  • Alex Stockwell

    I actually like Final Fantasy XII, one of the reasons being it’s not a fucking hallway.

    • Godmars

      Well, I hate it, don’t really like it, because its about air-pirates who – despite actually having a ship – walk everywhere. Then there’s the no central character thing.

      No Fran’s ass on the other hand…

    • Elric Colgan

      XII is a game that I consider unfinished. It had Yasumi Matsuno, the creator of games like Ogre Battle and FF Tactics making a game THAT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO EVEN BE A FINAL FANTASY GAME, quit halfway through and the rest of the company trying desperately not to scrap a game and engine years in the making. Vaan and Penelo were put there for demographics without thought beyond the first hour because casting Basch wouldn’t have sold as much.

      I swear there is an interview out there of them admitting it.

      It had its moments like the save points that were actually monsters, and HUGE dungeons that made it fun and dangerous to explore. I liked it because on some level it felt like SOMEONE made an effort, but in the end it is just an unrewarding black hole for time.

      Dragon Quest has what are actually touching and deep stories under a very simple system.
      SMT: Nocturne has one of THE BEST endings ever.

      What does Final Fantasy have?
      A mother that might as well wear a sign saying dead in 2 cut-scenes and a moron who declares himself a hero after two dozen people drop off a bridge.
      I seriously couldn’t watch much more on youtube after that.

    • Tiffany

      I too like Final Fantasy 12, but I do agree with Spoony when it comes to the fact that Vaan and Penelo weren’t really the main characters.

  • DaBrain

    Finally a new big review!

    FFXIII was a really really weird experience. Something about the storytelling is way off.

    It’s hard to explain. I kinda felt like I was constantly missing something. As if the story somehow progressed behind my back.

    At times it even felt like the people trying to tell me the story had no clue what was going on as well…

    In the end the high production values saved the game. The visuals are great. It does have a great soundtrack and a lot of impressive and diverse locations.

    Even if you don’t know what’s going on, or if what is going on does not make any sense, it’s still fun to play… somehow….

    • GregoriusTheBrown

      No! Don’t mention the sound track! Are you crazy???!!!

    • Michael Wilbur

      Oh, the problem with the story is quite simple to explain. Instead of putting most of it in the game, they toss it in the backlog, then expect you to read it. Compare this to a game like Mass Effect or Dragon Age: Origins, where the codex is there for more information, but is never necessary for understanding the plot

  • Juan Algernon

    You really need to try FF 9 not playing it just because you didn’t like the art style is a real shame.

  • Princess Stabbity

    The Hallway is the reason I never even tried to pick up the game, despite the fact I liked Lightning’s character design. It’s nice to know I didn’t miss anything.

  • FordXanakov

    Wow, 30 minutes of review and here’s a list of shitty things that I hated about this game that Spoony hasn’t even TOUCHED yet (or at least only began to scratch the surface of)
    the paradigm shift combat system
    the actual story of the game
    what L’Cie and Fal’cie actually are
    the depths of Snow’s stupidity
    Hope’s never ending whining
    the weapons upgrade system
    the Crystarium
    breaking into other party members Crystarium
    sitting around in combat and watching the computer actually play the game
    That’s just off the top of my head, God I hated this game. I can only imagine what XII-2 must have been like. I just couldn’t do it after playing this mess.
    I can’t wait for part 2 to see you start tearing into some of the stuff I listed above. I hope the next video is in the near future. This game review is like therapy for me. This game hurt my soul, and I’ve been waiting for you to give it the beatdown it deserves.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      Actually, XIII-2 fixed most of the things you listed.

      – The Paradigm Shift Combat System no longer gives you a game over if your leader is KO’d, as long as your other human team member is still fighting. Oh, and there’s a monster-catching element added in too.

      – The story… well, I think it’s better, because I like how it’s broken up into self-contained episodes, like a TV series. If you prefer a simple 3-act structure in your video game stories, you’ll disagree.

      – They don’t really explain any more on what L’Cie and Fal’Cie are, but they’re much less prominently featured than they were in XIII.

      – Hope is ten years older, and much more tolerable.

      – Vanille has only a minor role.

      – Weapons upgrading now works like IX’s Synthesize shops, or Dissidia’s Trade system.

      – The Crystarium has had a major overhaul. There are no experience caps; you can grind all you like.
      What you do in this system is spend a character’s CP to take a level in one of six jobs. You get a stat bonus depending on the job you leveled, a new ability if you reached a certain level in that job, and light up a node. When you light up all the nodes (every 28 levels, I think), you get to pick an extra bonus from a list.
      There’s also some planning ahead required, because every few nodes, you get a big node that gives an extra stat bonus depending on what job you pick when you light it up. You can only level up each job 98 times, so if you level up a job on small nodes too much, you’ll miss out on big node bonuses for that job.
      It’s not a complex system by any means, but it’s a hell of a lot better.

    • Turcano


      Yeah, if you thought Selphie from FF8 was a wide-awake kawaii nightmare, hold onto your butts.

      • Jim Boom

        At least Selphie had cuteness.

        Vanille wasn’t subtle in the slightest within her final attack in Gestalt Mode. Creepy as hell in context.

  • Ryan Cann


  • Ludicrum

    What made Lightning think she could fight that robot? Well, what made Sabin think he could SUPLEX A TRAIN? In video games you fight all manner of things that, realistically, you shouldn’t stand any chance against. How many demons and giant robots and living gods have we slain in any number of games? Often with just a sword or a gun, which, when you think about it, should barely even annoy such a creature.

    I’m just saying, as far as nitpicks go, that one is reaching.

    • doresh

      Imagine Sabin doing the same stunt with FMV-style graphics. Doesn’t it seem more odd then when he does it in sprite form?

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Hence why the series is called Final FANTASY! Fantasy is about what the human mind can create.

      • Sam Pagano

        Yes but good plots makes sense and that is something Final Fantasy XIII lacks. If I wanted to experience all the human mind can create I could do it for cheaper by huffing paint fumes. I want a game not an acid trip.

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          I mean not all fantasy games have to have European castles, elves, dwarves, wizards, etc. Mass Effect does better with fantasy than Dragon Age with a race of blue all-female bisexuals.

      • Tariel Corbeau

        I made up a final fantasy game once. It involved taking a group of characters, and doing crap with them. Leveling them up to god level.
        Then killing the programers to final fantasy twelve.
        Yeah, I was not in a happy mood.
        But still, it was more thought provoking and less linear then THIS piece of crap. You can say, ‘but all gamers are linear’ there is a difference. There is ‘all roads lead to Greece’ and ‘one road and only one road for all leads to Greece.’ There is a difference. You can spend a hour leveling up, then beating the boss in almost every other final fantasy game EVER MADE, but here. Nope. Sorry. You just sit back and let the computer do the work for you.

        What? You still awake? Sorry, still can’t have control.

    • Doleth

      well, Sabin is explicitely a master of a mystical martial art style while Lightning is just a soldier, not a super-soldier or an elite soldier, just an above average grunt taking down elite soldiers and advanced war machines by herself from the start. Even Squall taking down Ifreet as a test in FFVIII made more sense, since SEEDs are supposed to be super-elite mercenery specialised in taking down magical threat.

      In other word, it’s the same “He’s just some dude” problem that Spoony had with Snow punching cyborg-behemoths in the face like it nothing special.

      • Ludicrum

        So you’re saying that if I were to study martial arts really hard, I too could lift a locomotive?

        • Doleth

          Yep, but only if it’s a mystical martial art and you live in a world when you can accidently take a zombie train to the world of the dead, then get out and run exactly as fast as the zombie locomotive while fighting said locomotive so it will let you get out.

          • Ludicrum

            In other words, you’ll argue realism when it’s convenient, but then turn around and make a “it’s just fantasy” argument with the next breath. Which one is it?

          • Doleth

            So what you’re saying is that you missed the entire point of my argument? I’m not arguing realism, I’m arguing justification.For exemple the character in FFXIII can take down giant war mech and monster like it’s nothing because they’re L’Cie or Fal’cie or whatever, so it kind of make sense for them to be able to do that kind of shit in universe. Lightning is just a normal soldier with a sword in the first few chapters, though so no, her being able to take down giant robots and elite soldiers easily doesn’t make much sense in-universe.

          • Ludicrum

            Once again you’re trying to have it both ways. You claim that it is unacceptable that Lightning can fight a giant monster, so does this criticism apply to all RPGs where you, for example, start out as a small boy with no previous training, who within minutes of picking up a sword can take down monsters that trained soldiers can’t scratch?

            Or perhaps, to continue my Far Cry 3 example, how you play as a party “bro” who panics at the sight of blood, yet within a few hours you’re chain-executing armed pirates as if it’s nothing.

            This gaming convention is as old as dirt. What I’m saying is that if you’re going to nitpick one game for this, you have a LONG list of games that also deserve a turn. My argument is not that the argument is necessarily incorrect, but that, as I have previously stated, it’s not a nitpick against Final Fantasy XIII specifically as it is against video games in general.

          • Ludicrum

            A list of examples can be found on TVTropes, under the trope “instant expert.” I recommend viewing the video game section.


            One particular quote from that page, pertaining specifically to RPGs.

            “This trope is almost ubiquitous in RPGs. You can rest assured that within the handful of days or weeks or months that make up the game’s plotline, your utter weakling character who sets out to save the world with the clothes on his back and a pointy stick will reach the end as a nearly unstoppable engine of pain and death armed with an Infinity+1 Sword and capable of going toe-to-toe with nigh-Godlike entities. NPCs with many decades – or possibly centuries/millennia – more experience than you simply can’t compete.”

          • Stephen Ryan

            The story establishes that the branch of the military Lightning served in is the well-trained, well-armed sect, where Psi-Com (the “elite”) are the rank and file grunt.

        • Foster Davies-Smith

          He’s saying that if you studied martial arts from a wire-fu movie you might be able to.

          • Ludicrum

            Quite correct. In wire fu movies, men flying around and doing impossible acrobatics is to be expected, as it is a convention of the genre. The same applies here.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Maybe Lightning was augmented like Adam Jensen.

      • Stephen Ryan

        I have more problems with Ifrit in FF8 than any of the other examples. When a test for not-yet graduated SeeD members is to go kill the physical manifestation of a fire god, you have fucked up the story from the start.

        FF13 at least waits until the characters have powers granted to them from its version of those gods before they go about doing that.

    • Specter Von Baren

      The thing for Spoony is that the more realistic the game looks the more inclined he is to nitpick these details.

      • Ludicrum

        That is nonsense.

        Do you really want to play the realism card? Really? When we have games with realistic graphics where you can recover from gunshot wounds by hiding behind a crate for a few seconds? Where we routinely take on armies of monsters, aliens, super soldiers, and horrors from the great beyond, by ourselves, while other characters with just as much credentials are helpless?

        How realistic is it that, in Far Cry 3, I can be shot, stabbed, mauled by wild animals, and all I have to do is bandage one single spot on my arm and all wounds are healed? That’s just one example.

        I can go on all day, but I’ll just say this: Nitpicking the odds of fighting a giant robot in a video game is utter nonsense. It’s not a criticism of Final Fantasy XIII so much as it is a criticism of video games in general, because such an observation applies to just about all action-based video games.

        • banned_guy

          it’s a matter of proportion, healing from gunwound is one thing, punching a 10 ton robot to atomic disintegration is another – it’s far too silly

        • lordnate

          Its all fine, but there needs to be some sort of scale of power. Its fine that Snow is strong enough to punch a giant steel machine to death, but then why can’t he hold on to that woman hanging on the edge? It doesn’t make a lot of sense that you can recover HP from hiding behind a create in a shooter, but some of the shooters actually explain that. In Halo, you have a shield. Some games don’t explain it, but it works okay, because its an understood mechanic of the game to make the game possible to play. If you died from one shot of a gun in a shooter, then they couldn’t put much action in the game or else the game would be impossible to beat.

          The issue with not having some sort of scale of power is that it makes the most menacing enemies something you don’t take seriously. The reason why you would want to make a gigantic awesome looking monster, is to send a message to the player that this thing is powerful and you should watch out. If they wanted to start you off with an easy battle, which is what they did, then they could have gone with a much weaker looking enemy. If they wanted you to topple a giant robot in the beginning of the game, then they could have done so in a way where your character had support or was in some advantageous position.

          But you are right that this does tend to be a problem in a lot of games. Enemies should be designed to create an effect. If I’m suppose to be worried about the enemy in the battle, then the enemy should look menacing. If not, the enemy should look more generic or weak. It allows you to better get a feel of the situation and allows you to emotionally connect with the game.

        • C.B.T.

          It’s reasoning most games will follow, but it doesn’t mean it gets a free pass. If the game is to be made more and more life-like, then at some point there does need to be realism and a sense of logic to what is happening.

          But at the very least, some games actually try to restrain themselves to invoking unrealistic measures for the sake of gameplay. In the cases of FF13, Snow punches a giant mechanical Behemoth and makes it go boom simply for the sake of being “AWESOME.” That’s why anyone does anything stupid, illogical, unfeasable, etc. in this game. Becuase it looks cool to do it! It’s the same shit you get with most modern anime; and I hate to make that point but you can clearly see the influence that pop culture of Japan has wrought on or FF games.

          Been like that for a while now it, I suppose.

    • Paul Simmons

      I’d argue the difference is, in 6 he was having fun and so he was more willing to suspend his disbelief, whereas in 13 he was missing the black hole he was so bored out of his mind and, thus, didn’t feel like giving the game a break.

      Also Sabin’s ultimate weapon is the Godhand. This fact by default makes anything he does plausible and bad ass.

      • Ludicrum

        Quite correct. You are absolutely right in that observation. It all boils down to suspension of disbelief, which is connected to his personal taste.

        This makes it quite difficult to nitpick a thing that exists in nearly all action video games and pass it off as objective analysis. There are plenty of things about Final Fantasy XIII that he can rightly criticize, but this is not one of them.

        • Eric Haese

          The whole point comes from realistic in game, not realistic in reality. It doesn’t really matter what the explanation is as long as there is an explanation for why this guy can punch robots into oblivion, not that he shouldn’t be able to because ‘hurr real life’. There is no explanation for him to be able to do that, no explanation given for him being able to punch robots into non-existence when that is obviously not a normal in game as those robots would not be a threat if anyone could punch them to death and if anyone could punch them to death then why are they being used at all? It makes no sense even in the logic of the game. You can sit there and stamp your feet as much as you want about ‘it’s an illegitimate nitpick!’ but the problem is that really is a legitimate nitpick. If an explanation, any explanation had been given for being able to do this impossible feat for a normal person been given, then it would be fine. Instead you just have this average normal guy who just punches robots successfully, no explanation within the game or anything. Not even something as throw away as “he’s an ex-military specialist” or something. That is the whole issue.

          • Kevin Clause

            I think it’s more a matter of consistency. You hope and expect actions and abilities to remain consistent as you go from scene to scene. Suspension of disbelief is your mind giving something a pass, because you’re enjoying yourself. You don’t question the giant robot existing, it just does.

            Now look at something like FF7, when Aeris is killed, it’s a big tragic scene. But as many people have joked about, why don’t they just use a Phoenix Down or Hi-Potion to heal her? Up to that point in the game, you’ve been stabbed, shot, burned, crushed, and electrocuted. Why does it only count now? Why did Barrett lose an arm from a gunshot wound? Why not just heal? It’s a hole, but something we rolled with at the time.

            Most games either have some explanation why you can take on certain things or at least escalate to bigger things.

            FF 6: Is a fantastical world, magic starts coming into play, and as mentioned Sabin is a “mystic” monk. He’s literally Goku.

            FF7: Cloud is a SOLDIER, and materia gives access to weird abilities

            FF8: SeeDs are Elite mercenaries, given access to GF’s and fight demons just to graduate. So yea

            FF9: Magic world

            FFX: was getting ridiculous but still had a measure of progression

            In FFXIII, everyone is relatively “mundane”. Very high tech society. Lighting is a soldier and seems to have some extra tech that isn’t standard issue and relies on that in beginning of game. But until characters become le’Cie, they are just people, they shouldn’t have abilities beyond what anyone else has.

            In the case of Snow, someone should have just outright mentioned that he was going in bare-handed so he could say SOMETHING as to why. Maybe he had training, or understood special pressure points. Having him lay waste to a massive techno-warbeast barehanded and then immediately after, lose his grip on a 120lb woman, only to survive a massive fall right after just pulls you right out.

          • Stephen Ryan

            Is it realistic to suplex a moving train as it is trying to run you over, while still running from it, and have it instantly recover for it to continue chasing you, even though thats 3 kinds of impossible?

            No. And its still perfectly acceptable. As is punching robot in the face.

            “Because the plot says so” is a valid excuse in video gaming, because it has to be, otherwise nobody would ever die (or everybody would always die), and as soon as you were a nuisance, the evil entity you are facing would send non-stop amounts of its best murderers at you, forever, and escape would be impossible.

    • Internet’s Frank

      I think it’s a legitimate nitpick.

      Sabin was trained by the world’s foremost martial arts master and is obviously mystical in nature judging by the Aura blast and Flame Dance. He’s also not above equipping claws.

      Tifa was trained by a traveling martial arts master (which is explained within the first 5 hours of gameplay) and wears specially designed kickboxing-like gloves

      Zell… well, he’s at least a candidate for an elite mercenary organization.

      The only back story we get for Snow at the outset is… he’s
      apparently a freedom fighter? Nothing ever explains him to be more than a guy who likes to punch things.

    • doresh

      Sabin can suplex trains because of combat system limitations: If something CAN be suplexed, he suplexes it, no matter the enemy sprite.

    • redbaron1234

      I guess another way to articulate it would be to say that the This game didn’t frame up the super martial arts of Lightning properly within the world. Granted I have yet to play either game, but from what I have heard Sabin was in a world of magic where superhuman abilities via self perfection does not seem out of place. With Lightning, he is seemingly an untrained and otherwise unremarkable person who does not have any tech or magic backing up his abilities. It would be like seeing a Jedi night in Blade Runner. Or a terminator in lord of the rings. I does not mesh well.

    • whiteflags

      In case you never watched one of these before, Spoony points out all sorts of these kinda gripes. Plus, defeating a giant robot or a god, or tossing a train, however you do it, is not the problem. The problem is when you do it so sloppily it’s not cool anymore. There was probably nothing interesting about that first boss battle.

  • Ash Glasgow

    The spoony one returns!

  • KOstantinos Piou ELeftheriadis

    Spoony,,aaahh dude..,,ahem..i dont know how to tell this to you…aahh i really hate to be the one who says the bad news..take your crazy pilles from the kitchen..aahh..sit down take a deep breath….
    final fantasy xiii-3 is being developed….
    NO NO LEAVE THE CHAINSAW DOWN..NO you’ve been worse than this..NOO CALM YOURSELF…

    • doresh

      Sometimes, I think Square is actually trying to commit studio-seppuku. Nothing else makes sense oO

      • Specter Von Baren

        It would explain why they’ve yet to make a ‘The World Ends With You’ sequel.

    • Techee44

      The XIII-3 title is so, so great too. “Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII.” So dumb.

  • Dr. Cakey

    FFXIII reminds me of FFVIII in a way: it has no redeeming qualities, and yet it appeals to me anyway. Maybe I like Sazh, or Snow, or Lightning. Maybe the art style just appeals to me. It’s like a shiny toy I want to rescue from Square’s greasy, gunblade-wielding fingers.

    Or maybe XIII-2 served as some kind of torture therapy that made my like XIII.

  • Aaron Kerr

    It begins, mothafuckas!

  • TheNinjaMax

    Finally glad Spoony decided to give the goulash fuck-up that was XIII the beatdown I believe it rightfully deserves. As somebody who claims to be a fan of the series since VII, I have seen the series climb and fall in terms of quality. After playing the first ten hours of XIII, it was a bitter pill to swallow to acknowledge that Square-Enix had sunken into a deep sinkhole. Seeing how much resources is spent to resuscitate XIV and keeping XIII sequels with bloody sequels, with no launch window for Versus XIII or the Western release of Type-0 in sight, it’s a sinkhole that SE’s development team can’t seem to escape.

    • doresh

      I guess that’s why Square’s moving more and more away from actually developing games and just buy other studios. I don’t know what happened to their own developers, but it ain’t pretty.

  • Tori Maier

    Spoony!!! <3
    That's all. Carry on.

  • Goluboy Pidor

    ugh, can you just leave japanese games alone and play your western shit?

  • Chris Behellmorph Beckett

    Oh you have no idea how long I have waited for this. I love your FF reviews so much. This is going to be just as fun as your previous 3 game reviews.

  • Adam Pupil

    Actually, this might sound like a fan boy being annoying, but there is a
    reason why Lightning doesn’t use the gravity-thingy again. The reason
    is because in one scene Sahz tried grabbed onto her as she tried to jump
    or something (can’t really remember) as she was using the device and it
    caused it to break. As for the robes, those are basically like
    handcuffs of that world. You see it later in the game when Vanille and
    Sahz get captured by the military. I know it’s stupid, but that’s Final
    Fantasy for you. Also, this game is a guilty pleasure for me. I like it
    even though it’s a piece of shit. Unlike its sequel, which is FAR worst

    • Tyghost

      So you mean that the robes are the clothes of the people about to be killed, just like FF has been trying to kill the classic designs (white mage, black mage, etc.). SYMBOLISM!

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        The robes are prisoner clothes, numb-nuts!

        • Internet’s Frank

          They’re supposed to be handcuffs. Except there’s nothing stopping you from slipping it off.


          • Stephen Ryan

            Except the guard shooting you / blowing you up when you do. Its Symbolism.

        • Skelemelon

          That’s what he said…

    • Michael Wilbur

      Eh, fair enough. We’ve all got our guilty pleasures. I rather enjoyed Shadow Madness myself, and at least found Tecmo Secret of the Stars somewhat enjoyable in a classic RPG kinda way. Ugh … see? I’m already trying to justify it!

  • Fabian Gregori

    Well, the fighting system actually got quite decent later on (when the encounters actually became somewhat challenging), especially during boss fights, and if you had turned off automatic ability selection.

    Other than that, the story is more or less completely bonkers. Every character except maybe Lightning and our afro american chocobo’s roost is annoying as your mother-in-law on christmas eve. Multiply this by being stuck with her in a 150 miles long, narrow, and environmentally hazardous tube and you get a decent feeling of what you’re in for with this game.

    It might turn the wake of nerd rage against me, but: I actually liked 13-2. The villian was actually quite rememberable, the story, despite its various, glaring holes, got me interested and, to some degree, invested and the ending was glorious (go get out the pitchforks).

  • Soliduz

    08:50 did he just say Solid Snake?! lol that’s Big Boss!

    • doresh

      Is there a genetical difference XD ?!

      • Soliduz

        there is difference……you know what that is? Solid Snake doesn’t a fucking eye patch! :P

        • doresh

          And he’s probably jealous because of it XD

  • Lik Chan

    Noah’s FF suffering can create such masterpieces.

  • Norman Stillwell

    Good graphics does not a good game make.

    • doresh

      And that’s the modern video game industry in a nutshell.

      • Foster Davies-Smith

        However if you can have both you have an awesome game. See Dark Souls for a prime example.

        • doresh

          Hell yeah!

        • Specter Von Baren

          Odin Sphere is another good example.

        • Ben Smooker

          Ehhh…the graphics in Dark Souls aren’t *that* good…
          The textures are really kinda muddy. The character models are….okay.

          Game is awesome, don’t get me wrong. But a graphical powerhouse it ain’t.

          • Altin Bujupaj

            Dark Souls looks okay as far as graphics go, but what makes it even more beautiful is the atmosphere. Just thinking of seeing Anor London for the first time.

    • Sam Pagano

      Tell that to Agent 47’s perfectly smooth bald head.

  • CraigAA

    HOLY BALLS! 15:40 is from my Sniper Elite V2 video on my YouTube channel! I’m kinda sorta in a Spoony video :D I mean the game wasn’t very good but if Spoony likes the nutshot, I am honored.

  • Jonny Haggis

    Loved it. Spoony reviews always go so quickly :( Really made my Saturday night! :)

  • Aaron Kerr

    I love how Spoony goes Plinkett 26 minutes in.

    • doresh

      Too bad JRPG characters have so pretty faces XD

    • christian.heiligert

      You loved the segment? I was rolling my eyes because of it. by the way, it is really no wonder spoony is as depressed as he is when he has so many meanlingless thoughts inside his head…I know FF13 is full of shit but with Spoony’s mindset I don’t think there are many games out there that are mildly entertaining. But…on the other hand he likes Eternal Darkness,so…

  • FinalFantasy13

    Sigh… spoony here you go again.. just when i was beginning to like you..

    Oerba dia Vanille and Hope Esthiem are the two best teen characters in japanese and western (for that matter) rpg history.. People hate Hope because he whined some.. Um HI HE’s 14 and his mother died any 14 year old kid would react like that in his situation.. i dare all of you to watch your mother fall to her death at that age and try to act strong…

    Vanille on the other hand is not only amazing in battle but a beautiful spirit inside in out.. No idea why people pick on her so much (because of her accent), but alas cyber bullying is strong now days..

    The battle system, story, graphics, characters and music are all top of line and some of the best in gaming history..

    THe only critic that even holds any validity is the tired “omgaz linear narrow hallways” critic… To which i say it’s true the game is linear ,I just dont give a damn..

    People hate this game because they think its cool to do so but they all know deep down they really liked it… I just have the courage to admit it.

    • Foster Davies-Smith

      More like he’s sick to his stomach of the idiot characters, whiny characters, linear plots, linear progression that you have to direct anyways. These are typical of j-rpg’s but these are bad things about them. His gripe is that a series with such repetitively bad traits that could be fixed and are not present in games with much less budget, is so god damn popular.

    • TheNinjaMax

      No…some of us on the internet hate it for other reasons. I personally hate it for it’s story, how none of the characters are empathetic or even entertaining. Lightning’s queen bitch attitude is taxing enough, then you have Snow’s utter stupidity (remember, hero’s don’t need plans), and then there’s Vanille and Hope.

      And I think you’ll find that there have been plenty of children or adults in real life who have lost their parents, and many who would be present at the time of those deaths, who could look at Hope’s plight, and promptly tell the poor bastard to grow a pair.

      If you wish for your game’s narrative to resonate, you cannot expect the audience to care for them by writing them as wet blankets who spout their woes whenever the urge hits them. I speak for myself, but I prefer characters that are more complex than “you killed my mother, prepare to die”, or at least be entertaining if they are shallow.

      • Doleth

        Thing is, Hope do grow a pair and move past the whole “You sort of caused my mother to die, prepare to die” thing. Yeah, it’s pretty annoying while it last, but all in all Hope is pretty decent as a character. I can’t understand how anyone can actually like Vanille, she mostly just there for the same reason Yuffie, Selphie and Rikku exist, and that’s japanese perverts.

    • Erik Kowalsky

      Lol! What the hell are you blathering about?

      “People hate this game because they think its cool to do so but they all
      know deep down they really liked it… I just have the courage to admit

      You’re so full of shit it’s actually painful to read what you wrote.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      “Vanille on the other hand is not only amazing in battle but a beautiful spirit inside in out..”

      The only reason anyone would say that is if he faps to her on a regular basis.
      I’m serious, I cannot for the life of me think of any other reason that a thing like this would ever be said by a real person about a fictional character.

      “but alas cyber bullying is strong now days..”


      “The battle system, story, graphics, characters and music are all top of line and some of the best in gaming history..”

      Well… no. Not really. 7, 8, and 9 all had better battle systems. The graphics are average for this generation, the characters are pretty cookie-cutter, and the music is mostly unmemorable.

      “To which i say it’s true the game is linear ,I just dont give a damn..”

      Well I do. I enjoy actually being able to PLAY in my games. I want to have options, because it means I actually have control over the action.

      “I just have the courage to admit it.”

      I have no problems with you speaking your mind. But when you try to speak for everyone else

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson
    • Zero Tiamat

      Dude, there is trolling and there is trying too hard.

      I can see how someone could like FFXIII, but NO ONE IN HELL would like Vanille, sorry bro, nobody could buy that. ^^

      Also: Can one “cyber-bully” a fictional character? The concept of that kinda eludes me…

    • Callum Stanley

      Thank you some can see this is a good game

  • Joel Laurie Snelling

    I dunno Spoony 13.2 isn’t that bad, at least it’s fucking playable without huge amounts of booze in my fucking system, okay it’s not Final Fantasy 3 awesome, nowhere near but at least it’s not as bad as 13 or 12.

  • Amesang

    Ah, how long I have waited for this review; primarily because I actually enjoyed FFXIII.. for the most part. The excessive cutscenes quickly got annoying (am I the only one who kept picturing the Monty Python troupe shouting “get on with it?”), but the Paradigm-shift combat system was fun, quick-paced, and seemed intuitive, Lightning, Sazh, and Fang were intriguing, with Snow being.. not bad, heroic in an over-the-top way (although looking back, Lightning is feeling a tad bit cliché), and at least the primary villain looked fairly serious as opposed to Vayne or, Arceus help us, Seymour.

    As much as I ragged on the cutscenes before, I honestly found the story to be interesting, but then it helps in that I didn’t mind looking over the various logs to find out the copious amounts of backstory, but I will agree that the game could’ve handled the story telling far, far better. Still, the whole reason why I even finished the game was because I wanted to find out what was going to happen next, so from my point of view they must’ve done some small, thing right. Hell, I didn’t even mind the lack of stores because, in a real world filled with Amazon and E-Bay, why wouldn’t someone not want to do their primary shopping online as opposed to running to some far off shop and waiting in line behind disgruntled customers being waited on by depressed employees? Retail’s given me so many nightmares…

    Sad to say I can’t even complain about the game’s linearity because (spoilers) you’re playing a party of outlaws who are cursed into potentially becoming crystal zombies if they don’t finish the quest they know nothing about. So, not stopping into Betaville to chat it up with people who are afraid of your very existence made sense in that regard; not to mention the fact that I’ve played generation after generation of Pokémon titles which are notorious for being linear (especially with them blocking access to particular routes or areas, and the fact that that a Pokémon who could fly everywhere in one version can not do so when traded to another).

    …I don’t even remember what I was going on about anymore. Still, I shall await Spoony’s completely and utter gutting of this game; yes, I’ve went on an unnecessary tirade about the points of the game that I liked, but that’s what makes these kind of reviews the most fun! Like the Nostalgia Critic with “Independence Day” or Linkara with “The Transformers: Generation 2!”

    • Specter Von Baren

      I think the one thing I can say that was good about Seymour is that he’s a good villain to hate. When I saw him at the top of Mt. Gagazet (I can’t believe I remember the name of that place, it’s been so long since I’ve played FFX) I literally shouted at the screen, “WHY! WON’T! YOU! DIE!?” And I shouted the same thing when I saw him inside Sin as well. I was so happy when he finally died for the last time.

  • Roman Monaghan

    I can only honestly say I like one thing about FF XIII. And that’s the whole [Espers} system they have where the summon creature pops out because it’s sick of the characters emo bullshit and tries to kill them to convince them life is worth living. Problem is, this one good thing about the entire game….. they just fucking ripped it off from Persona 4.

    Fuck this game.

    • Amir Johnson

      what they really ripped off from persona is that if the main character / leader dies the games fucking over instead of duuuuuhhh i dont know….. SWITCH TO THE OTHER FUCKING CHARACTERS!

  • Lina Jones

    You know, I honestly really liked the cast of Final Fantasy XIII. They are among the best fleshed out cast of the entire series, and I liked how they actually explored the reasons for their personalities. In fact, I like them more because my initial impression wasn’t favorable; I did hate them at first. But the game got me to like them through good characterization and development, and that’s much more impressive to me than just chumping out and using cheap easy stock characters. The problem, though, is the greater narrative surrounding the characters sucks; it’s convoluted, muddy, badly paced, and poorly explained. Hence, the game is at it’s best for me once the characters start pairing off and getting their individual moments, and, once that’s over, it sort of goes back to sucking…

  • Jegsimmons

    *wake up, turn on PC go to this site expecting counter monkey and get this*


    My boner is happy now!

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      Don’t tell me you jerk of to Spoony’s game rants.

      • Mokuren

        What you don’t?

        You sick fuck!

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          No not the rants but the spooning videos.

          Get you’re priorities in order

        • Tariel Corbeau

          I know I play the fiddle sometimes to his rants.

          And that says a lot about my love life.

          *Forever alone*

      • Jegsimmons

        of course not!!!

        i jerk off to my speakers ranting about games in Spoonys voice.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          So it’s not just my former roommate that does that…

          …I need my happy pills now.

  • Eric Fuchs

    Whatever happened to “I kinda liked FFXII”, Spoony? Nice flip flop on that one.

    • doresh

      Remember how he said he liked the FFX combat system. People can enjoy parts of a game and hate the rest (and vice versa).

      I for one like the Gambit system in FFXII, but LOATHE everything else, including how the Gambit system is incorporated into the game world Oo

    • David Herbert

      That’s probably why he’s skipping to #13 and not reviewing 12

  • J. Adams

    Is it just me, or was Spoony going for a Harry S. Plinkett vibe with the bit near the end?

  • Yomommmmma

    FF XIII X-2 was a amazing game`! Compared to what FF XII was and the previous games. And sadly Spoony is only saying sorry for the gay thing because a shit storm happened

    • Margot Valles

      Or maybe he’s saying he’s sorry because it’s wrong to imply that being gay is a bad thing and he knows that?

  • Jdenn

    Spoony has yet to even scratch the problems with this game, there is eventual free roam roughly 60 hours into the game

  • Minko Tsurugi 民子鶴来

    The shops being online and not tracking the cast of FFXIII is actually a plot-point. Cause near the end, Barthandalus effin’ gives you a coupon (maybe even with a discount) to the high tech stores and the store tagline that scrolls in the top actually has a message from him to you.

    So the shops DO track you.

  • Fervidor

    I have a confession to make: Final Fantasy X is one of my all time favourite games. Full stop. *That said*, I found Spoony’s review of it to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. I don’t mind people poking fun at stuff I like as long as the poking is amusing, is what I’m basically saying.

    I also liked FFXII – I found I liked FFX more in general, but XII had some of my favourite characters in the series (Balthier and Dr Cid, specifically.) On the other hand, I totally agree when it comes to Vaan: He was really a totally useless character who had nothing to do with the plot and who’s motivations were awkwardly shoehorned in and who’s personality was pretty much just Tidus minus all the things that made Tidus remotely interesting.

    Oh well. I haven’t played XIII but from what I heard I would probably enjoy it, This review is okay so far, though I think Spoony spends a bit too much time complaining about game mechanics (and really, even then the beachball joke in the FFX review was way funnier) and random design features. It feels a bit late to get hung up on those things considering that they have been part of the series since FFVII. Hope he gets into gear with the following parts, though.

  • Miika Kuusisto

    Final Fantasy Tactics is easily the best Final Fantasy game.

    • Stephen Ryan

      I agree, but Tactics is generally not counted when “final Fantasy” games are discussed.

  • Brett Hicks


  • Mateusz K.

    I just have one more question… who would ever bash Spoony over his FF8 intro music rant? I thought it was funny… in fact, it’s one of the best jokes of the seriers… I know he is not a homophobe, and it was just a joke – he even says it in the review – right after making the joke, so who had problems with it… I just don’t get it…

    • Specter Von Baren

      I agree. Me and a friend of mine would sometimes sing little bits of it to get a laugh out of ourselves.

      • Oddball McSmellington

        I mentioned it on the board.

        it induces groans regardless of if he’s a homophobe, which the majority of people know he isn’t.

        it’s just a disappointingly stupid joke he made during his older years, and I’m glad he’s long since grown out of the need to use shitty material like that.

        • Wagner Paiva Fernandes

          Fuck you, that was VERY FUNNY to heterosexual viewers

          • Ed Novak

            Uh, I’m hetero, and I thought it was amusing but still kind of a lazy joke that doesn’t hold up all that well. There’s no hetero hive-mind, dude.

          • Jessie Spencer

            That was “VERY FUNNY” to YOU.
            I found it funny, but my standards for getting a laugh aren’t exactly high.
            If you dislike the joke however… Thats fine, you’re free to opinion.

        • Garrett Ricksecker

          Made me laugh. Probably because it was so stupid. But it was like… a one time thing. Never did it again, so far as I’m concerned, that was great.

        • Patrick Sewell

          Um, considering he stills supports “faggots are the laughing stock of the world”, and he has grown out of it? Um, he even said sorry for hating on the game that MADE HIM, if anything he just got more immature,rape jokes aside.

        • NeroAngelo

          Oh, I know he’s not a homophobe. I’ve gotten enough Spooning with Spoony 2 views to prove it

    • James Post

      I think he was upset by the combination of people who thought it was homophobic and his own feeling that it was a lazy joke. Not saying it wasn’t funny. It was just the easiest laugh to go for there.

    • Wagner Paiva Fernandes

      Well, I laughed my ass off in that part of FF8 review. Homossexuals have to learn to have a sense of humor, they get angry at everything, even jews make fun of themselves, see Jerry Seinfeld for reference…

      • SpaceHobo

        dude I’M gay and I found it very funny, please dont lump ever gay person into the same group. Everyone is different and as a different sense of humor blah blah blah you get it. I really only get upset if people are blindly ignorant or just hateful. Some straight people dont like the joke, some gay people dont like the joke. Its all on test and Spoony is just saying in high sight it MIGHT not have been the best kinda joke just cuz it was a cheap shot or lazy. You can still find that kinda stuff funny, hell I still laugh every time I hear it.

    • Malidictus

      I never commented on it, but I found the “gay song” to be cheap, lazy and crass – a very basic low-brow gag in place of any actual humour. Spoony has used gay jokes in a lot of other reviews, most prominently Mazes and Monsters, but he’s put actual work and cleverness into them. This was just… Crude.

      So, yeah, I’m glad the Spoony One holds himself to a higher standard than to just say the word “gay” and think it’s funny. Especially since… What’s “gay” about the Final Fantasy 8 intro? Blond men does not equal gay. Slap that on the fashion designer from Beastmaster 2 and at least you’d have a leg to stand on, but this? It comes off like your average angsty teen on Call of Duty voice chat who thinks he’s cool because he can swear.

      A key part in improving your work is to admit the mistakes you’ve made in the past, and Spoony’s actually been pretty good about it.

      • RyanfaeScotland

        I liked it, thought it had a bit of a Monty Python feel to it.

      • Tyler Baker

        I liked the intro. It was pretty funny. Its just a joke lol chill out you dont have to be all deep and shit about 1 joke. He has nothing to apologize for because he made no mistake. I would not even be watching his videos if it wasnt for him being incredibly insulting in his FF8 review. Sure sometimes its great to hear a joke that doesnt have any foul language or anything. But i come to watch spoony get mad and insult a game or movie as much as humanly possible. He was just messing around anyways. But everyone has their opinions. You may not like it but there are many that did and he has nothing to apologize for because its how he got some of his audience. And he still has some of that gay gay gay sissy gay kind of jokes in his reviews. Sure you cant make everyone but you can try, He has some jokes that are in good taste and some that arent but are funny as hell anyways.

      • curtmack

        The big issue I had with it is that it makes no sense in context. Regardless of how you feel about Squall and Seifer as characters, or how dumb the gunblade is, at its core it’s a scene where two dudes fight each other with swords. It’s probably the most manly scene in the entire game.

  • CesarFelipe

    From 26:35, Spoony is TOTALLY channeling Mr. Plinkett. :)

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    One scene I hope Spoony DOES tear apart is that fucking flashback Lightning had when Serah announced she’s a Pulse l’Cie AND plans to marry Snow (the guy being beside Serah at the time). Serah said both these things ON HER BIG SISTER’S BIRTHDAY! Lightning gets mad but can you really blame her? I would be as pissed if my brother said he got a girl pregnant on my birthday. Yet Serah and Snow think Lightning’s evil or something and even the game likes to put Lightning in the wrong, causing Light to blame herself and apoligise to everyone but if anything, Serah and Snow should’ve apoligised to her.

    The game manual established Serah as a “wise beyond her years” meaning she would be smart enough to avoid the Pulse Fal’Cie. Even if her curiosity was too great, she should’ve at least be subtle and break it down gently with Lightning, who would’ve been more understanding, especially if Snow wasn’t there.

    What does Lightning have to be sorry about? It was Snow and Serah’s fault. Those two could only produce dumb babies.

  • disqus_WPNkZpTIj6

    Could someone PLEASE tell me why he changed his intro music for the reviews? His new intro animation was actually *good*, what the hell happened? Spoony, PLEASE bring it back. I never could stand the old intro.

    • CronoT

      If you look a little further down the comments list, you’ll find the answer. Spoony is trying not to start a pissing match over it, so ‘we’ as his collective fanbase are trying to respect that.

      • disqus_WPNkZpTIj6

        Right, thanks dude >.< I scrolled down a little earlier to find it but I didnt go far enough. Thanks for the heads up.

  • disqus_WPNkZpTIj6

    I liked Lightning and the graphics. I really couldnt stand the rest of it dude. I do know some other people who liked it who arent idiots (so dont feel bad.) But even most of them admitted that it had major flaws. I tried SO hard to enjoy it, denied it for like a whole year. But eventually I realized it was crap (in my opinion)

    • Callum

      Ok i can agree this game does have flaws but to tell you the trust they never bothered me that much i don’t know why there are tons of issues but i can’t hate the game i have completed it 4 times for fun and now i am on my 5th play through for a 100% run, the story is confusing the first time you play it but as the creators wanted a complex story, they add some of the story in the datalog because it would have made the game even longer and even if you don’t read the datalog, it can be understood (it’s not a fantastic story but it’s decent). I enjoy the graphics and environments as we go from a war zone to a large field in pluse. The hallways can be annoying but some people just wanna get to point a to point b so they can get to the next part of the story (the way that they did it was boring but i can understand why they did it). They made a bad decision with no towns. I enjoyed all the character as each one is different and some of them grows on you and develop throughout the game which i enjoyed. There are tons of goofy stuff like the chest and the gravity bomb but with JRPG you just except this time of things in their games which i love as it makes it unpredictable and my all time favorite genre. Battle system is fantasic as long as you turn off the auto battle in the setting, you have to find your enemy’s weakness select the right commands to increase stagger and matches there weakness apapt to any situation through class changes and the ranking is a bonus to the battle as it make you wanna try harder to beat your score and get the best rank and items. Yes it has issue but i hate people who goes round saying that something sucks because they didn’t enjoy it (ironic i love watching reviewers like spoony). Guess what everyone has their own opinions and square was trying some thing new for their westen audiences that way i final fantasy is my all time favourite series is that they like trying new things out (i know lately all there games really suck 10-2,11,12 and 14 in my option) but i love ff13 and ff13-2 it has issues but i don’t care i can get pass them to enjoy a good jrpg. If you don’t like it play enough game it that simple and send an email to square giving them suggestion with assaulting them(I’m not targeting you mate i mean everyone).

      • disqus_WPNkZpTIj6

        I read the whole post (could have used a few breaks between paragraphs but w/e.) Final Fantasy XIII was like a domino effect for me. I also bought the game on release date and was super excited for it. I didnt have all of these obscure thoughts about robes and RPG’s like Spoony did either, I tend to ignore those things or just enjoy them. But here’s how it went for me:

        1. Enjoying the great environments.

        2. Confused about the story but patient.

        3. Trying to enjoy the characters.

        4. Noticing that unlike other FF games i’ve enjoyed, this game doesnt let me go anywhere but forward. Still hopeful that it will change later on.

        5. Finds 2-3 characters I like, HATE the rest. Hopes for character development to improve my outlook in the future.

        6. Realizes that the upgrade system gives you about as much variety as the world maps, tries to brush it off (it doesnt work for long.)
        7. Still doesnt really understand the story, losing optimism.

        8.FINALLY gets to an open field, enjoys it for a little until I realize that there arent as many options as it first seemed.

        9. Gradually loses interest in the game, takes a four month break.

        10. Comes back, tries to get into it. Fails to do so. Realizes that I wasted money buying the game at release date. Feels disappointed that it didnt turn out better but happy that i’ve finally worked out how I feel about the game. 11. Turns into GameStop for $15 or less.

      • Doleth

        The only reason the story could be called complex is because the game gave zero exposition and about half the plot is only in the datalog. The only thing going for it in the story department was that most of the character development was decent, the interaction between party member is pretty good at time and the cast(minus Vanille, because seriously, fuck Vanille) is much better than say, FFX(minus Auron, because seriously, Auron is awesome). I mean, why does the game treat the fact that obviously evil pope guy is actually evil or that the girls with Australian accent wearing tribal clothes come from the primitive land where everything’s trying to kill you as twists?

        The fact that Square-Enix tried to do something different for the sake of the western audience would actually be a point against the game, because gameplay wise this game is as far-removed from what fan of western RPG actually like(i.e. Exploration, Choice, Customisation, all thing not found in FFXIII) as possible. Sure, the combat system and even the levelling is kind of fun, at least until I realised how shallow and pointless it ultimately is, but since it’s always the same battle at the same place, it’s really unfullfilling in the end.

        I agree with you that people saying that a game is bad because they didn’t like it is annoying, but that’s not the case here. Final Fantasy XIII is objectively a terrible game even if you like it, plain and simple. Just to be clear, I’m not saying you’re stupid or easy to please or a fool or whatever for liking the game, whether you enjoy it or not is absolutely based on opinion so their is no wrong choice here.

        • Callum Stanley

          I agree with you everything is opinion for example a lot of people like games like call of duty which i think they are a copy and paste shit stain in gaming but i won’t judge anyone for liking them, i would say that maybe as final fantasy is my favorite is covering my eyes but that not true as i hate most of 10-2 and all of 11,12 and 14 but i just never hated it i got it on first day released and i have played it a large amount of i just enjoy most of the story ( lightning and co are trying to fight their destinies in destroying cocoon, where they wanna save cocoon which will end up turning them in to monster, yes it can be confusing but i love playing games with complex stories like the mgs series and kingdom heart series as i don’t mind i need to do some research on it as long as it a decent pay off which it is as i learn a large amount about the world and character just like when you read the books in skyrim).

          i enjoyed the battle system as was a fast in the bosses and hunting mission especially with trying to get the ranking.

          yes a lot of the character are annoying at first mainly hope and vanille but like all of the other characters, hope grows up and get stronger throughout the game and we find out that vanille is simply hiding tons of dark secret which should make her lose all of her friend leaving her alone which she doesn’t want which is way she acts so happy to try and cover her pain.

          As final fantasy 10 is my favorite game for personal reasons, i didn’t mind the leveling up system but i wish you could select a class and level it up automatically while using it like final fantasy 3 and 5.

          To you it might be a bad game to me i would easily rate it 8 out of 10 and put it 6 in my top 10 final fantasy games. I hope you don’t think i’m stupid or anything for enjoying but like i keep saying it your own opinion and no one else should care why you like or hate. For example some people love the battle styes in final fantasy 12 but to me is a long and boring way to fight an enemy

  • Sajeh

    Wow, with that explanation about that constant skeptism thing going through your head… that is pretty much what happens to me too, when I look at different things and situations in this world, not just movies and stories. So now I just instantly label it “stupid / silly” with a snap intuition. Yeah I’m pretty fucked, but glad to know there’s more of a kind out there.

    You are one of the few I would take on my spaceship if something happened. So stay on this planet. Please.

  • Ongan San

    The real difference between Snow and Sabin (or Tifa and Zell) is the battle system, not their fighting skills.
    Old turn-based system was unrealistic to begin with (3 fighters just stand at the same spot and stare at the enemy for minutes) so Sabin, Tifa or Zell didn’t bother us in those games.
    But battles in FF13 looks like actual battles. I mean, when you watch someone play it, you think it’s an action game rather than turn-based.
    That’s why punching everyone and lifting giant machines looks weird in FF13. If it was an old school turn-based RPG, it wouldn’t look this bad.

  • Gilbert Cortes Guzman

    6:45 Someone with hair that makes the priest from Highlander: The Source look cool, dignified and appropiate. I mean, WTF? Seriously?????

  • IHeart28

    Oh sweet lord, the nightmare begins! I feel so bad Spoony has to deal with that monstrosity.
    Man, I was thinking the exact same thing when it came to the black guy carrying a bird in his afro, just weird and nasty. Where the fuck did he get that bird anyway? Do they have pet stores in the future and if they do where?
    Great first part! Pretty funny, can’t wait for the next part!

  • 成侘理

    Those rants of disconnected thoughts are exactly why I watch you, even though I disagree with almost all your opinions. Keep it up!

  • Christeen Flavien

    I think I might have a theory about the robes. Although I COULD be wrong. I think it’s something about it being easier to kill people if you can’t tell them apart.

  • Patrick Walters

    J POP? Spoony, that’s Leona Lewis you’re messin with,

  • Christopher Stratton Smith

    “All hail Vaan, sky pirate of dumbass-kuh”? (I know it’s Dalmasca)

  • Kaihedgie

    Y’know, I haven’t played FFXIII and yet I couldn’t finish the review. I normally love Spoony’s FF reviews…but fourteen minutes in and I just kinda gave up and stopped watching after pointless rambling about a minor, completely game-related thing that has nothing to do with the story or world of this game that seemed like it wasn’t going to go anywhere soon.

    Not that it matters though, this comment will most likely be voted down greatly just for not sharing Spoony’s opinion

    • Amanda Belaire

      So, you say something honest if not snarky. You complain about the review, state your refusal to finish it and then try to justify it by saying “Anyone who votes this down is just a fanboy.” That’s definitely some twisted and entitled logic you have there. I’m not against someone having a different opinion, but if you are going to have one, stand by it with some kind of dignity. Instead, you ended it with what amounts to pouting in the corner which rips out any value your previous statement may have had.

      Basically, why would you even give a shit if it’s “voted down”? Just state your opinion and, if you can, offer constructive criticism. Don’t then try to hide behind a wall of “I disargree, but if you disagree with me, you are totally wrong!” It’s pointless, confrontational and a bit cowardly. If you truly believe your words have weight, then expressing them would simply be enough.

      • Kaihedgie

        Did I explicitly call anyone a fanboy, though? You’re pretty much puttin’ words in me mouth there, dood. I never said “oh if you disagree with me, than you’re automatically wrong and stuff so your comment is bollocks”. I posted in the first place because I do like Spoony and from time to time, I do like to share my thoughts, however, I was not quite thrilled by this review. Normally, his tangents are amusing, but this seems kinda forced and that was really my whole problem with the review; it somehow turned me away from it. And keep in mind; I’ve never played this game before, so I can neither agree with his opinion or defend this game.

        However, if you really do believe I think that way, it’s not hard to see why: just about nearly everyone who commented even slightly negatively to this review was indeed downvoted by quite a bit.

  • searanox

    Spoony, marry me?

  • Gauphastus

    :O Awesome.

    I didn’t play this one but I have read plenty of fan reaction and analysis. Sounds like a largely botched execution on Square’s part to say the least. I also get a huuuge style-over-substance vibe; there’s an important balance to be struck here and this game seems to have missed the mark completely.

    I don’t figure I’ll ever bother getting around to playing this one or even watching a playthrough. The interest just isn’t there. But I enjoy hearing what people have to say, even in the comment sections here.

    This review series should be interesting. Good luck, Spoony.

  • Patrick Walters

    Spoony, keep calm and grab MY HANDS! MY HANDS!

  • TheVGamer

    Part two is getting made as I make this comment but after that one is done, Spoony will lose focus and momentum, resulting in the third part getting delayed and delayed.

    Part Three – Quarter 3 2013 You’ve heard it here first folks.

    • Luis Infame

      FF XIII – 2 part one for January 2014

    • MikeBester

      Spoonys Tweets in the future:

      “Part 2 will be out tomorrow!
      “Sorry guys TERRIBLE MIGRAINE!!!”

      “Ok Part 2 is out tomorrow!”
      “Urgh Im in SO MUCH PAIN!!”

      “Prepare for Part 2!!”
      “I had to take Oreo to the doctor!!!!”

      “Working my ass off on Part 2! Working all night on Part 2!!”
      “Ohh damn my harddrive “crashed”, all is lost….”

  • amagidyne

    XII, while not perfect, is one of the best games in the series and a legit classic. I like how it takes a step back from the character-oriented and romantic focus that the rest of the series took with VIII, X and onward. The characters don’t get as much time to get fleshed out, but this allows the game to fix them more firmly into the story and setting. Vaan is used (to debatable effect) to immerse the player in the setting, not so much in his own personal drama. He isn’t the actual protagonist so much as the party is, although they definitely could have just had us start with someone who is actually important to the plot. Even so, XII has characters with a lot more depth than they suggest at first. You just don’t get as many opportunities to see it.

    By comparison, XIII is so zoomed in on its cast that nothing else is given a chance to develop. There’s no better symptom of this than the datalogs. Why wouldn’t information like that be put in the game itself? My only theory is that they didn’t want to spend a single second looking away from the characters. Even in places where exposition would have been a natural part of conversation, they find some way to dismiss it and go back to talking about each other. This is the type of storytelling that leads to Lost or Mass Effect 3’s finale.

    And it could have worked. I would argue that tri-Ace pulled it off fairly well with Resonance of Fate, which was another game with a plot that makes no goddamned sense. Their trick was to make the cast likeable. Some people found the ending of Lost to be satisfying too. The writing doesn’t have to be great, it just has to work. Ultimately, I’d say my problem with Final Fantasy XIII is that all the writing is terrible and doesn’t work at all. As for why that is, don’t get me started for the love of god.

    That’s my take on things, anyway. Feel free to disagree.

    • Shane Asher

      I did really like FF12. Vaan (while really pointless to the story and shouldn’t have been the main character) didn’t annoy me as much as I thought he was going to, and the plot and gameplay were fairly satisfying. My only real gripe with it was that god-awful License Board

  • Michael M

    Admittedly, I actually liked FFXIII, though I do agree it’s deeply flawed.

    About the antigrav thing… apparently they were originally going to do more with it, but they just didn’t have time to implement any of it. So it’s bad production planning, not bad writing.

  • likalaruku

    So it’s as linear as an RPG from 2002?

  • Damien Herbert

    So, thinking back to the Ultima IX review… FFXIII is supposed to be the apocalypse spell or something, right? And with the alleged end of the world coming up too… I see what you did there Noah, nice touch. It’s things like this that make TSE so awesome.

  • ShinyAvarice

    I still don’t even know who the main character is. I mean I know it’s not that pretentious douche Hope or Sazh so it’s between Lightning, Snow, Fang and Vanille but for the life of me I can’t figure out their motivation for destroying the Cocoon Fal’cie. Why destroy things that have provided security and peace for millions of people for hundreds of years? Sure the government have been using scare tactics to keep the population from questioning the need for the continuation of the system but if it ain’t broke why brake it?

    They must have known that killing the Fal’cie would have caused Cocoon to collapse out of the sky potentially killing millions of people and counteracting the very reason they wanted to kill the Fal’cie; To free the people from the ‘oppression’ and ‘lies’ of the Fal’cie.

  • Michael Szpakowski

    I’ve never understood why everyone keeps calling Vanille a kid when she’s 19.

    Also I still like VIII a lot less then XIII.

    • Doleth

      How about the fact that she act like she’s a kid, talk like she’s a kid and that the rest of the cast treat her like she’s a kid? Her actual age is never mentionned in the game, so yeah, we’re going to keep calling her a kid.

  • Evon Le

    I loved FF13, but I can’t wait to see Spoony’s whole review for it <3 I need to see his reaction to all the characters 8D

  • Victor de Coimbra

    Once i saw this new video, i knew: shit is going down. Now i’ll make this clear: I liked FFXIII. No, really. I don’t know how to explain this. I just liked it. Liked it more than fucking FFX. I love the old FFs, but…i don’t know. This game has…charisma? But still, i feel like this is going to be an awesome review. I may not agree with Spoony on this one, but i still had a good laugh.

  • appledoze

    I desperately pray that Final Fantasy Versus XIII comes soon to deliver Spoony from the recent shit that Final Fantasy has become. Here’s to hoping it actually delivers. I actually what’s been shown of the story so far:

    “Final Fantasy Versus XIII involves Noctis Lucis Caelum, a
    prince descended from an ancient lineage of royalty. His home country is
    an isolated and highly developed city state, which has his father as king. This city state holds the world’s last
    crystal and this crystal is responsible for the city state’s military,
    political, and technological power. The city state is in isolation of
    the outside world due to resistance and protection against invading
    heretics. The story has been said to initiate at the “clearing” of a long cold war between warring nations.
    Unexpectedly, another nation invades Noctis’ city state and steals the
    world’s last crystal for their own. Once news of the crystals capture
    spreads worldwide, it ignites a global conflict as all other nations
    want the crystal for themselves and therefore send their military to
    capture it. Against this backdrop of a world at war, Noctis and his
    closest friends embark on an epic journey to try and get the crystal
    However, not everything is right with Noctis. He begins to develop multiple personality disorder and feel the presence of another person inside him. This other person believes that there is nothing either morally
    good or bad and that fools have set the rules in Noctis’ world. When
    this other person takes over, Noctis’ body becomes far more powerful and
    his eyes turn crimson red. However, the personality of this other
    person is cruel and immoral. They are also very intelligent and cunning.
    Noctis does not know where this other person has come from, but he
    knows that they are far more powerful than he is. For Noctis, the battle
    becomes not only reclaiming the last crystal, but also reclaiming

    Also Noctis, despite his appearance, seems like he’s gonna be an actually interesting character. He overestimates himself, and has a cool facade amongst strangers but is brash with his friends, but it’s because of his sense of duty towards his kingdom, and wanting to prove himself. They’re even making the cutscenes real time and controllable like in Half Life 2. A completely open world, 1:1, with vehicles from cars to chocobos and airships. Real time action combat and you can even switch between characters in battle.

    I just PRAY that it delivers and ends up worth the wait. The long, painful wait.

    • Aschthebloody

      correct me if i’m wrong, because it is very likely i am wrong, but didn’t dev for versus 13 start before the ps3 came out? if that is true, and not it never really starting because they wanted to do the whole 13 on the 360 thing that they did, is this game ever really going to come out.

  • Nathan Josephs

    i have to say this was a major improvement over you previous reviews of late.

  • rock1644

    I take it Spoony has not played Knights of the Old Republic, because XII is basically the same thing. Its semi turn-based combat.

    • doresh

      There are a few key differences: KOTOR’s turns go by WAY faster (meaning characters spent less time just standing around), and it features actual fight choreography (with actualy parrying and dodging) and nice animations in general. In FFXII, you’re just hitting air with the same animation over and over again, even when using spells.

  • Todd S.

    So you take everything you said about Final Fantasy VIII back due to it not being as bad compared to X, XII, XIII, XIII-2, and XIV. On top that, saying that even though you still didn’t like Final Fantasy VIII, it still kind of felt like a Final Fantasy in your opion. Yet you still have not even consided giving Final Fantasy IX another chance, the game that was a throwback to the old school Final Fantasy style, just because of the the art style and character design.

    That paragraph above is overall a minute (and, frankly, embarrassingly personal) complaint of mine and the only flaw I found in an overrall detailed, funny, and well thought out introduction to the Final Fantasy XIII experience. My favourite rant of yours was the whole scientific setting being offset by the medeval elements like potions. I also really liked your take on Snow. I look forward to your overall opinion on the rest of the cast since I remember that in one of your vlogs you said you actually like Sazh and kind of like Lightning.

  • Topher Glenn

    Please don’t apologize for the ‘gay gay sissy’ thing. Even if you think it’s tasteless or whatever, as the great Patrice O’Neal once said, “funny and unfunny come from the same place and funny people should be left to try and be funny.” You’re funny, if anyone has a problem with that joke, they need to realize this, and stop trying to force people to think and act like them.

    • Steven Black

      Yeah he shouldn’t apologize for one of the most funny videos he ever did honestly.

      • Kristopher Tiplady

        I agree, I found it funny.

  • Amanda Belaire

    Love FF8. Still crack up every time I watch him tear it apart.

    Love FF10. Found myself nodding in agreement to every flaw, complaint and annoyance pointed out.

    Enjoy FF12. Agree it’s way off the beaten path with some throw-away characters and forgettable… everything.

    Absolutely HATED FF13. Got 20+ hours in (and even read the damn codex just to find out what the FUCK was going on) and realized how incredibly BORED I was. SO incredibly bored. You could not have paid me to give a shit about anything happening in that game. I am not entertained by pretty graphics that equals to dangling keys in front of my face. Blank characters, droning music, uninspired locales… and everything was WAY too fucking clean. So crisp and “perfect.” Even the rubble of supposed conflict lacked any sort of grit or texture. It reminded me a great deal of the prequel Star Wars movies having all been shot on green screens.

    So hated this fucking game and have not been able to trust any FF game since its release. I will never forget or forgive the crushing disappointment I felt paying full price on release day (even had pre-ordered the son of a bitch) only to get this turd home and realize I had been betrayed.

    Spoony. Rip it apart and show no mercy. I will be laughing the whole way. I’ve nodded so many times in immediate agreement just in this review.

  • Kendotuxedo

    I appreciated the David LoPan quote

    • theshamster

      Spoony LOVES “big trouble in little china” and for good reason; it’s an exellent film!

      Shame there was no sequel, as it ended on a cliffhanger (the ‘chinese wildman’ hiding in Jack’s truck).

      The reason there was no sequel was that it failed at the box office, but the possible reason was that within the same week, “Aliens” was released; had it been released earlier in the year, or later on, it would have succeeded.

      Still, it’s a fantastic classic film and thats all there is to it.

      • Kendotuxedo

        Not every great movie deserves a sequel. Mortal Kombat was a pretty good movie as far as video game adaptations go, but it did not need a sequel. I use MK for an example to show that cliffhangers can endear a fascination about a film’s unwritten ending.

        Compare the ending to The Matrix to Matrix Revolutions, The Matrix had a cliffhanger which let’s you leave the theater with the same hype you had as you watched the film. Matrix Revolutions… “sigh…”

  • Rotafury

    thank god finally some one else who hates FF13. i can defend FF games pretty well i loved most of them from 1-9 plus tactics i loved them but this…i couldn’t even play threw it all i got some number of hours into it be for i went out and sold it to a friend for like half the price i bought it for. any ways good video as always

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      There are plenty of people who Final Fantasy XIII. Brian Ashcraft, Ben Croshaw, Jim Sterling and most of the trolls of GameFAQ.

  • Stephen Moyer

    At least XIV is getting a hell of a lot better with the 2.0 Realm Reborn.

  • Paul Simmons

    Lightning actually does use the purple electric technology thingy again one more time in Eden, when the party is flying down to the tronbike race shit; I don’t blame you for forgetting however as its in Chapter 12 after running down a hallway for 40 hours and a large field with more hallways for 10 hours. Also Snow is using this AMP technology to melee things (which of course raises MORE questions like how did some street rat get this super high tech military technology and why is he just punching things with it? Can you imagine Aladdin just running up and combing Jaffar?). As for those gravity things they pull out of their ass…. fuck if I know.

    Other than that one nitpick, fantastic video Noah. Can’t wait to see you tear in to XIII-2; I know I’m in the minority when I say I liked XIII (wasn’t great, but I got a lil enjoyment out of the non hallway part) but holy god even I, someone obviously nerdy enough to notice you forgot an instance of AMP tech being used, though XIII-2 was just… unbearable.

    Also, did you know that there’s a third one announced?

  • Brogan Cordova

    Waiting for Godot…..I can’t believe I got that. It’s because I’m hopelessly addicted to analyzing every line of dialogue from .hack//SIGN. Sad and pathetic, I know….

    • Mitchell Bandes

      Waiting for Godot is the name of a play from the 1950s.

      • Brogan Cordova

        I know, that’s why .hack//SIGN talked about it. Because .hack likes to incorporate stuff like that.

  • Ares Lancaster

    TBH, I never finished FFFXIII because the use of terms without EVER EXPLAINING THEM made me feel like an idiot… And I hate games insulting me (unless they were funny or had a point to make.)

  • Stephen Moyer


  • cappadocian

    i totally figured it out. Spoony just just doesn’t get japan. Its cool, thats where the final fantasy hate comes from. I’ll explain a little. Just a little. See, I had only ever played jrpgs as a kid, growing up. I didn’t even know there were any other kind- I didnt have a computer until the Internet was a thing, in the late 90’s, so these Ultimas and Baulder’s Gates and Elder Scrolls things escaped me. I did however play your final fantasy and your chronotriggers and, idk, like secret of Mana and shit. When I finally started Oblivion , when it first hit xbox, I was arrested for stealing. And I was all like MOTHERFUCKER IM SAVING THE WORD, ALL THIS SHIT IS MINES. Thats sorta an example of the differences in mindset between the two types of rpgs. Its all good. Spoony just doiesnt get how they do stories and characters and what not. I FIGURED IT OUT GAIZ

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      Dude, I think you might me right about Spoony not getting Japan, but FFS the Final Fantasy series is in need of some help, because the stories and characters have no weight, no depth for the one reason that if you want a deep story or a deep character you need them to go though a spectrum of emotion, without that spectrum you have no drama and no tragedy.

      For that reason I can say for sure that KH has more depth than FF.

      Black is best shown painted on a white background.

  • dragonfly82

    At last, I’ve been waiting for you to rip this horrible game to shreds…

    The thing that killed this game for me was the battle system, fucking atrocious,
    I can tolerate stupid plot, weird character design, bland OST, if it had an enjoyable battle and leveling up system…

  • Internet’s Frank

    I’ve been saying it for years. Advanced graphics are the bane of Japanese games. All that weird ass concept art had to get translated into 16-bits of pixels (or into VERY basic textures). So instead of some crazy design, you got a very basic, though unique one.

    Now all of the crazy thoughts that go through their minds can be put into the game without ANY alterations. And that’s it. They had to figure out how to make this stuff, to get the spirit of the design within their technical limitations. Now nothing is holding them back.

    • doresh

      Kinda like how how all CGI scenes in movies nowadays are so ginormous and bombastic that they don’t actually belong in a real world.

      • Internet’s Frank

        Yea, the issue seems to be nobody willing to say no, or that’s stupid. Hollywood’s being the guy’s movies make millions and Japan’s being seniority above all else.

  • GregoriusTheBrown

    It was kind of surreal running face-first into a Samuel Beckett reference in the middle of a Final Fantasy review. I suppose you did kinda set it up with the references to the acts of a play early on. Still, odd.

  • zerosozha

    “Waahh, I want realism in my fantasy video game!”

    But in all seriousness, I get where you’re coming from. The previous FF games all had ridiculous shit, but they were planted quite firmly in the fantasy genre, where you can get away with stuff like that. FF XIII moves pretty heavy into the sci-fi genre, which has a much more discernible audience.

    Also…a badly-written Final Fantasy game? STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES!

  • doresh

    It’s like the slightly less sucky edition of FFXII, or this special edition of Kingdom Hearts 2. For a company aiming stronger towards the Western market, they sure like to keep the good stuff for themselves.

  • theshamster

    What have you done, Spoony?!?
    You’ve activated the Armagedon spell by playing/reviewing this….this…..’game’!

  • runningerror

    There are so many little things in the design of this game that are just plain stupid and enough of them are easily solvable by changing a little thing in the art design or just plain copying the encounter design of the old Final Fantasy games. For example the issue with Snow and his unreasonable strength. Why not give him some kind of future tech power glove that amplifies his strength and give him the abillity to punch through steel. Bam you got a logical explanation without braking the setting. Or the issue with long range weapon enemys. In the old Final Fantasy games most of the time if you encounter an enemy group mixed with close combat enemys and wizzards the wizzards just stand in the back row, so I couldn’t just run up there and beat them into a pulp before they bring up the living hell upon me for picking a fight with them. Even Sazh as long range fighter could be more usefull by making him effective against flying enemys and vice versa making flying enemies dodge close combat characters, as it was in Final Fantasy X (imo the only good part of that shit game was the combat system).

  • John McNamee

    Love ya Spoony

  • sifer2

    I feel lost here honestly since after seeing gameplay/reviews of XIII I stopped playing the series. It’s just gone down hill. I don’t like how their obsession with impressing people with graphics is causing them to dumb down the world into hallways.

    In fact i’m going to have to disagree with Spoony here an point out that at least FFXII had a decent open world to explore. The combat was a little strange but kind of interesting once you got into it. What killed that game was the grinding, and incredibly boring storyline. Still I think that game was decent just for gameplay. But since then this series has just gone to crap.

  • Johan Eriksson

    Oh boy, I have mixed feelings about this one. On the one hand I have a certain fondness for FF13 because it was the game that got me into the FF-series at large. On the other hand I KNOW it is flawed as hell and it deserves every new hole that Spoony can rip into it. I’m just strangely attached to this game because I found myself liking the characters even though they were idiots, I was intrigued by the story elements even though they were so poorly explained that I had to go though a dictionary to get it all and I liked the battle system since I actually thought there was a pretty good element of strategy to it, even if it took FOREVER to get interesting.

    What I’m a bit more confused about though is that he apparently thinks 13-2 is even WORSE. I get that he doesn’t LIKE it since it is basically just more of the first one but objectively speaking doesn’t 13-2 basically FIX a lot of the problems he has mentioned so far? The narrative is more centered around the main characters, the combat starts out more diverse and fun that before, it has a LOT more exploration and the story doesn’t throw in new terminology every 5 minutes that it never explains. Hell, it barely even references the stuff from the first game. If you never liked the first 13 then none of this is going to make much of a difference of course but I just don’t see anything that makes it WORSE than 13.

    Guess I just have to wait until he reviews that one.

  • Don Wirr

    Your trains of thought sounds like Redlettermedia^^

  • Alexandru Ioan Samson

    That review was so good, i can’t wait for the next part!

  • Stephen Garrett

    I bought FFXIII and traded it in shortly thereafter because of how bad I felt it was. As for FFXII… at least it was honest about Vaan and Penelo being Executive-mandated characters who had no point in the story beyond the tacked-on justification of Vaan’s brother being the witness to the murder of King Raminas. Basch, Ashe, and Balthier were the leads and it showed.

  • Bathmatt

    I still consider myself a Final Fantasy fanboy. Inspite of all the wrong turns the series has made my ears still prick up at the mere mention of news of a new FF game. Hell, I still like FFX, even after the uter demolishing it suffered at the hands of Spoony who made a lot of very good point.

    So keep where I’m coming from when I say I played this game for just over an hour before shutting it off in boredom.

  • Marc Bowers

    I’ve never had a qualm with anyone who hated FFXII, but I always hate when people hate it after exposing themselves to know very little about much of the game at all. The Gambit system is easy to learn, easy to master, yet can’t pull your weight 100% of the time due to enemy variation. You can work at it to make it truly easy with the Reverse spell, but even that spell you have to put decent effort into to get. Nothing is handed to you in this game, and I fucking love it. Curse the MMO style combat, but at least recognize you have immense control over it. Unlike is XIII, XII actually allows you to move around the battlefield to help avoid standing in AoE or avoid getting your allies caught in an AoE blast that is targeted on you. You also don’t have to keep auto-fight on for whom you play as, and the best part is you will remain capable of taking on mobs and bosses, as opposed to XIII in which the recommended choice for nearly the entire game is “Autofight”.

    As for Vaan, he is not exempt from hatred, I understand this. He was brought in as a last minute replacement (along with panello) to steal the stage light as the main player character. And, a good argument against him is that you can tell you weren’t meant to focus on him as the main character due to the script writing each and every other character holding equal screen time (with the regrettable exception of Fran and her fine, fine booty). The truth is, we were meant to assume the role of Basch, but even then there was supposed to be no one main hero. Your whole team was to be equally represented. However, Vaan’s role did not entirely diluted since his ignorance of the world acts a gate for you, the player, to be educated in the living, breathing world of Ivalice. Best of all, for a game that has over 100 hours of gameplay, it’s but a mere section of the world. You cross over two counties (technically three) but don’t even explore a third of a contenant. Ivalice is massive, you are small, and you are naught but a cog in the machine of life. The most you end up doing to have a greater affect on the world is almost stunt it from. . . actually, that would be spoilers. Another aspect of Vaan is many who like to bitch about him being a cry baby or merely having the sole goal of being a sky pirate, all I have to say is this: PLAY THE FUCKING GAME PAST THE FIRST HOUR. His begrudged attitude gets snuffed out quick when Basch puts him in his place immediately, and he admits to Ashe (via spoken fucking dialogue) that he purposely distracts himself with childish thoughts to keep his mind off of his dead brother, Rex. He admits that up until he realized the world was much greater than him, he was mentally reverting to starry-eyed childish dreams that he pathetically used to cling onto life after his own flesh and blood was taken from him. For a character of all smiles and sheer ignorance, that’s a pretty ballsy thing to admit. He was a killjoy for anyone who bases their own life in a fantasy of “one days”, like a talentless singer who thinks their band is gonna make it.

    As for the rest of the plot, I can understand why most people hate it: it is heavily coated in politics and religion. A lot of people who play games do so to escape such topics, and further more most who play games are typically ignorant of the shades of grey and idiocy on all sides of politics and religion. Beliefs are straight up challenged in this story, and is by no means subtle or apologetic. Perhaps that was my favorite aspect, however. I am among those who keeps themselves well kept up with such topics and enjoy their appearance in such hobbies. If anything, I’d say that is exactly why this isn’t a final fantasy game. The characters; as I said before whom of which have no main focal point; are actually secondary to Ivalices over arching political climate. Most of the story actually talks about who is charge, why, when, how, and whats going on in Vaynes personal life than that of those whom we assume control over. If anything, Vayne actually is the main character. The story is a constant reminder that you truly make barely a squeak in the grand scheme of the world, that others are stronger than you, smarter than you, but god damn it you are going to keep trying to rise to the top.

    Even from a technical standpoint, I truly love this game as much as many earlier installments from the PSX/SNES generations. The amount of exploration is almost intimidating for a single player console RPG. The environments are gorgeous, atmosphere is always perfect and well accented by the up beat and classic sound track. Ivalice has always been by favorite setting; ever since the original Tactics. It feels alive, it rewards you for daring to go deeper in a cave or a forest or a temple. The bounty hunts are a blast, and the equipment upgrades feel and look threatening.

    Now, as a short list of things I hated about XII: The License Board. Oh lawdy that bloated and slow process of unlocking each and every anything. I heard that the Zodiac Jobs System version of the game actually executed the premise very well. Shame I never got nor will i ever get the chance to play it myself. Another thing I hated was it was far too easy to miss out on a side quest that gets locked out once you reach a certain part of the story. That’s always a shame.

    Like I said, if you made it down to reading this far: I feel most of anyones complaints are fully valid, and I understand why they do not like the game or feel like it is not a Final Fantasy. I just merely get irritated when people start throwing marks against it that are blatantly false.

    • Internet’s Frank

      I’d like XII if it wasn’t a Final Fantasy game. Then I could be more open to the presentation (although Vaan and Penelo can both go choke to death on a Bantha’s testicles).

      However, it is a Final Fantasy game and I want to control my damn party. Not have gambits do 99% of the work because if I don’t the game is going to take me three years.

      • Patrick Coyle

        I’d say the key to enjoying FFXII is to reject it as a Final Fantasy game completely, no matter what the title screen says. It can be an excellent game on its own merits, but it REALLY doesn’t fit in with anything that’s been done before.

        In my case, the biggest offender was the story being radically underwhelming when I first played it – at no point does it become a straight-up heroic fantasy with a nihilistic supervillain and the fate of the world at stake, like every other FF (and most any other JRPG) before it.

        Once I took a non-FF perspective to it though, I learned to appreciate it as a story about people trapped on different sides of a situation, all merely trying to take control of their futures but in conflicting ways. If nothing else, it’s a much more relevant story than any FF that’s come before, and it became one of my favorites for that reason.

        • Internet’s Frank

          It’s trying to emulate Tactics’ story, but it fails miserably. 13’s just not a good story, FF or not. You constantly learn about some new MacGuffin as the game goes on.

          “Oh no, we lost the Dusk Shard! Our quest is doomed!”

          “Nah, it’s alright, I totally forgot about the Twilight Shard!”

          • Atmos_Duality

            That shouldn’t come as a surprise, given that the writer for FFT was also the writer for FF12.
            He also walked off the project and away from the company midway through production of FF12, which explains why the story and characters feel so generic boring and inconsequential.

      • Atmos_Duality

        Yeah, “Hardest optional boss in the series” is by no means an accomplishment, because Yiatzmat is the definition of “Artificial difficulty”.

        It’s not hard at all to make an encounter in a game based on Big Numbers, because as high as you can count, there is ALWAYS a bigger number.

        “He’s so badass, he has a 20 million HP!”
        “It takes hours to beat him!”
        These are not things that to brag about; if the principle source of difficulty in an encounter is tedium and boredom, then it has failed at game design.

        • Internet’s Frank

          Nice selective editing. I said boss FIGHTS. Plural. There’s plenty of quick and dirty boss fights in it that require good execution, and there’s a few cheap ones (Darkja is BS).

          • Atmos_Duality

            Sorry for not seeing the one letter.
            I wasn’t picking on your entire post, just the fact that Yiatzmat, and most of the secret bosses in FF12 get a ton of hype they don’t really deserve.

            Though I will agree with you about some of the others bosses; especially many of the optional Espers (and the Demon Walls in Wraithwall) require some actual planning.
            Sadly, the story bosses (with maybe one exception) were complete pushovers, and I was playing through casually.

          • Internet’s Frank

            This is nothing new in regards to jRPGs, particularly from Square. They tend(ed?) to drop the difficulty for western releases.

            The optional bosses have a good variance and challenge to them. Biggest sin of them is if you have 3 of the best 5 melee weapons you can just haste/bravery/berserk your way through 90% of ‘em in no time.

            Still, better than Ozma which is just luck, or anything from FF8 (since you can just abuse the overdrive system to win everything).

            13 might have tougher stuff, but not having direct control of your allies is artificial difficulty added on (In that vein, eff Persona 3 when my allies don’t heal me when I’m below the threshold where the boss can 1-shot me, but it’s not a FF game, so I can forgive that some).

          • Atmos_Duality

            Ozma, well, there’s a couple of dirty tricks you can do to prepare for it since Ozma follows a loose pattern (and has evil speed hacks), but apart from that, it’s a war of attrition, with the possibility of one-shotting occurring (a very specific equipment combination is basically required on Eiko to avoid it, and the battle degenerates into Reraise spam).

            And in FF12, you’re absolutely right about Berserk+good weapons.

            Even if you miss the three best (including the early Zodiac Spear, which requires a strategy guide to realistically attain), it’s still very easy to stumble onto something awesome well before reaching end-game (Ultima Blade is especially easy to get on any playthrough).

        • Stephen Ryan

          My name is Ruby Weapon and I cant hear you over the sound of being the epitome of “Artificial difficulty”

          • Atmos_Duality

            I’d agree there except Ruby Weapon can be cheesed for an easy win.
            It’ll take a long time to beat it without attacks that ignore defense or mime spam, but it can be done.
            Yiatzmat, with the very best setup and equipment, will take about 2 hours to beat (Chaining Masamune combos).
            With the bare minimum equipment, about 11-12 hours.

    • doresh

      Enemy variations? Tell that to those 2 temples that have almost nothing but skeletons to abuse this chain drop system-thing.

      And I played the game till the part where your party was supposed to visit the capital of some empire (can’t remember any of the names). That’s when I realized the games bored me so much I already forgot WHAT they were actually trying to accomplish there, for WHOM they were doing this and WHY they were still draggin along 2 annoying kids that had NOTHING to do with ANYTHING.

      Come to think of it, I don’t remember much besides those airships that look WAY too futuristic Oo

      • Internet’s Frank

        Yea, and EVERY area respawns EXACTLY the same. Traps, monsters, everything. Only variation is the occasional rare mob, many of which you need a strategy guide to even spawn.

        Far too much MMO influence on the game.

  • Vismutti

    That trailer… unfortunately, from what I’ve seen, that’s pretty normal for Japan. orz Idek, they don’t do very good trailers.

    Btw, I once did that stupid mistake by making the main character someone who wasn’t actually the main character… In my defense, I was fifteen when I wrote that.

  • Joshua Jimenez

    I like 13 a LOT! You just don’t get it, because 8 is really bad.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      We just don’t GET it, man.

  • Adolf Hitler


  • MrRuse

    The danger of introducing a player to unfamiliar concept is that they won’t understand shit if you don’t explain it. For example, when I mention things like Ork, Elf, Dwarf, Dragon, Assault Rifle, Space Station, Train or whatever the average gamer has a number of expectations of these things. Even if they do not play out straight the player at least had expectations of sorts. If you introduce unique concepts or give them different names you must explain these things to them. If you don’t, well, you get a clusterfuck like FF XIII. Another game that did this horribly wrong was Kingdoms of Amalur with their several kinds of Elves with funny names.

    But how to do this right? Two words: Mass Effect. Everthing from the classes (Solider/Engineer/Adept instead of Fighter/Rogue/Thief) to the races were explained and, more importantly, SHOWN. For example, think back to the beginning of Mass Effect 1. We got that we were on a spaceship, we saw our protagonist, mainly humans… and one alien. We were introduced to him, his rank, motives, purpose and even a bit about the Turians by himself, Anderson, Pressly, Private Jenkins and Dr Chakwas. No lengthy exposition: just bits here and there. They did this for everyone: the Asari, Salarians, Elcor, Hanar, Volus, Krogan, Quarians, Batarians, Geth; you name it. It is a lot more fun and informative this way.

    • golden izanagi

      you shouldn’t forget that the mass effect games also had some kind of datalog thing there to explain things but unlike 13 its presented in a way to which you didn’t have to refer to it every ten seconds every time you heard a new term in that game, wheres in 13 it just thinks its a good idea to say “refer to big in game dictionary” to find what what the crap something is.

    • uchiha-fan-4

      The other thing to keep in mind is that Mass Effect has so much material to talk about in three games about 30 hours each. Even then, there are a bunch of novels and comics that go even further to develop characters, themes, locations, events, etc. And like the options in the dialogue circle and the side missions, they’re all not mandatory to understand what’s going on and who’s who.

      Heck even the games provide a straightforward codex to look at if you’re invested enough in the fiction. Again, it’s supplementary.

      It’s baffling at how long FF 13 is with so many “ideas”, terms, and characters but the game says absolutely NOTHING about them. I have never been so lost and confused by a video game because it’s plot is thiner than tissue paper. And throwing in a huge, complex in-game encyclopedia exposita solves nothing. Bravo, Square Enix!

      • MrRuse

        Personally I think that the “core” games should be able to explain characters. There’s nothing wrong with elaborating on them in spin-off materials, but the other way around is risky.

        Mass Effect 3 dropped the ball big time on this with Kai Leng, who seemingly came out of nowhere while being a defined character in the novels. Sure, he was the same there as he was in the games (a titanic douchebag who, in the novels, once broke into Anderson’s appartment, bugged it then sat down and ate his cereal). Another thing his his mary-sueness that seems completely inappropriate in the main series, but that is more of a matter of writing. And not all players (myself included) are going to read all the spinoff stuff or have access to it, so if you pull a character from a spinoff explain them or make it feel like you did not miss something critical (like they did with Kahlee Sanders).

        • uchiha-fan-4

          Agreed. You worded it much better.

          I guess with Mass Effect, the Kai Leng issues (along with several details regarding Cerberus’s experiments with Reaper technology) made a small stain that serves as an annoyance. Sure, ME3 tries to add in video logs and dossiers by the second-to-last main mission, but the supplementary material is almost needed to know what is going on. (I just love how they mention Paul Grayson dying and being disposable without us knowing who he is. *eye roll*) Thankfully this is the only subplot BioWare fumbled with. Overall, you don’t need the spin-offs to follow the games’ story. The players are not lost and feel content.

          FF13 is on the opposite end of the spectrum. Square Enix had a whole game in which the developers said “do your own research on your own time”. As a result the story suffers and the players are confused. The lack of towns to visit and people to talk to in-between major events only made things worse. The cast does not want you to sit back and enjoy the experience, the game traps you linear hallways, and unique ideas are wasted like spoiled mayonnaise.

          Just from the first several hours alone, I felt like I was watching a conversation in another language without a translator. Worst of all, even the body language, tone, and mood seemed too foreign to understand. Any medium – books, movies, and video games – has failed if it leaves someone feeling like that.

  • Grzegorz Wojtczyk

    After hearing Spoony ranting about Snow and his “fighting technique” I really have to ask: What’s the deal with characters in jRPG’s who use only their fists and legs to fight ? There’s like fucking a lot of them in almost every single game. Falsetto from Eternal Sonata, Yuri Hyuga from Shadow Hearts, Senel Coolidge from Tales of Legendia, Fei Fong Wong from Xenogears… I can go on like this forever.

    • doresh

      That’s because JRPGs all borrow from the “Grand List of Anime Stereotypes ™”, whether it actually makes sense for the setting or not.

      • Mitchell Bandes

        In fact, I would go on to say that it’s become so expected to have unarmed fighters in JRPGs, that not including one is a considerable risk.

        • doresh

          That’s why I miss the Suikoden series: They usually avoided giving their main cast generic weapons (like having a hero with a sword), instead opting for stuff like tonfas, a nagamaki or a three-section staff.

          Seeing how the series is basically dead besides some weird spin-offs, you seem to be right with your theory <_<

          • Atmos_Duality

            To be fair, the Suikoden series started as an homage to several pan-Asian stories/folklore, and the principle characters in those stories used many of the same weapons.

          • doresh

            So there familiar to the Eastern audience and pretty cool-looking for the Western audience.

            So… why can’t other franchises be like that Oo ?

          • Atmos_Duality

            I’m guessing it’s culture shock combined with niche’ appeal.
            For being low-budget JRPGs, the first three Suikoden games sure do make for an interesting story (if you can get past the somewhat butchered translation)

            I’ve caught strong elements of ‘Journey to the West’ in Suikoden 1 and 2 along with a few nods to feudal both Japan and the Three Kingdoms Era in the political storyline within the greater narrative.

            (For example, the Silverberg family is an amalgamation of the Sun dynasty, from Sun-Zhu and Kongming, the political mastermind behind the Shu dynasty.

            The Fire Lance weaponry is a reference to primitive rocketry allegedly developed and deployed in China.

            Embedded Runes are implicitly tied to certain religions common to ancient India and China, with ritual tattoos being another possible interpretation)

          • doresh

            Interesting ^_^

            But culture shock didn’t stop Dynasty Warriors XD

          • Atmos_Duality

            Well, that just proves that Koei and Omega-Force has more balls than Konami.
            I’d love to see a Suikoden 6, if only to continue the larger story, but Suikoden is pretty much dead at this point.

          • doresh

            Seems Konami stopped caring about RPGs in general Oo

            Man, they don’t even do portable Metroidvanias anymore. Thanks, Castlevania reboot <_<

          • Atmos_Duality

            Well, apparently, Doresh, every single comment you’ve made in response to my posts in the last 8 months or so has just dumped onto my response ticker under My Disqus.
            I…have no freaking clue how or why that happened.

            The reason, from what I can guess is that twofold:
            1) Partly because of marketing focus groups in the west, and mostly 2) because of Japan’s continued recession from the global gaming market. They are becoming less relevant every year.

            Seriously. I can count on one hand the number of JRPGs that didn’t have their heads crammed up the ass of “Stupid Overused Wishy-Washy Tropes” made in the last decade, and at least half of those would be Suikoden titles (but not Tierkreis because…*shudders*).

            Which isn’t to say those awful tropes aren’t present in the series, but I will claim that they are NEVER the central focus or theme of the games. Most JRPGs are now bent on cramming as many of those horrid tropes into a sitting as possible; and connecting these asinine tropes together with an increasingly convoluted “story”.

            Suikoden 2 takes the concept of children going to war surprisingly seriously. The principle characters (“Riou”and Jowy) are regular kids forced into a dire situation and only through powers beyond their control do they lead armies; eventually against each other.

            And it puts extraordinary strain on them, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is NOT a pleasant experience for them.

            If this were, say, a Tales of…[X] game, the teenage male protagonist would instead embark on an inevitable “coming of age” story that ends with him making an “ultimate sacrifice” and channeling that wretched “Power of Friendship” crap to pull plot resolution out of his ass while encountering whacky JRPG stereotypes all along the way.

            And this is from someone who actually really LIKES Tales of the Abyss and Tales of Symphonia. (everything NamcoBandai did after Abyss…oh…the horror).

            This is my problem with most modern JRPGs and there aren’t many who are breaking the mold. Shin Megami Tensei appears to be one of the few series that is trying, in part, to take its themes more seriously and Suikoden is just flat out DEAD now.

            It’s rather sad, because when they stop pandering to whoever loves those awful tropes and inject Eastern culture into their setting without shoving it down your throat via sickening stereotypes, JRPGs can be really cool and interesting. Even psychological, at times.

            But we sure as hell can’t have THAT anymore can we?
            They have more awkward teenage romance and magical anime swordplay to push!

          • doresh

            I have the same problem. Disqus sometimes shows me “new” replies that are several months old O_o

            And it appears that the Japanese video game industry has become a very unattractive place for writers, forcing developers to use random plot generators.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Writers eh?
            Any insight as to why?

          • doresh

            I presume the Anime and Tokusatsu industry pays more, though I’m not sure XD

    • Aiddon

      it’s just a staple of Japanese film and animation; the idea is that someone can do those things solely with their fists because they’re just that badass. Seriously, if you saw a dude total a car with his bare hands you’d be thinking “HOLY SHIT!” It’s supposed a moment where you suspend your disbelief. Typically it’s explained through said characters either having gone through INSANE training or they have supernatural powers allowing them to surpass human limits. Though with Snow it have worked if they said maybe he was a martial artist or he was using magic to beef up his physical capabilities. At least have him wear gauntlets or something.

      • David Miller

        The in game explanation I believe is that his coat acts as a type of physical enhancer and the patches on his back determine what his enhancements are

    • Aschthebloody

      thats all and good but how many of those characters had there powers from the start of the game. snow was just a dude in a trench coat, there is a bit of a difference there .

  • Arn1

    Too much talking about nothing, really… Like in The Ring review. Also inconsistent.

    Ok, you talk about snipers not using tech to their advantage – that’s good. Only for one thing.

    You bitched about X-com (for example) and aliens using their advanced technology against you and not holding back, and called it “cheap” and “unfair”.

    So what the fuck do you want? More reallistic scenario, but also sometimes cheap (I can imagine what would you say – “fuck, that’s cheap, I can’t reach’em, like in highlander on jaguar! Why are these snipers so far away?! Why they are flying? Me can’t shoot’em”) or just something like this – just diffrent kind of enemy with different attacks, abilities, but possible to hit?

    Also about that robot thing in the beginning – how the hell characters in Eternal Darkness can see/have a blue screen? Or how Shepard can destroy armies, even though he’s a regular-ass soldier? Or how the fuck does Delorean work? We all know it’s impossible, and yet nobody bitches about it.

    As for Vader suit – I will quote you – GTFO. You really suck now. I mean, I really suck about anything Star Wars related, don’t like movies that much, but you, “teh king, teh geek” don’t know, that Vader suit has filtration device and that is source of power for his suit? I mean, god damn, dude, you should take a longer brake. Bitching for the sake of bitching. As you said it “all the little things”… I’m sad now :(

    • Mitchell Bandes

      What he wants are snipers you can only kill from afar, but without too much difficulty.

      Also, the Darth Vader bit is what’s known as an “outside joke”. Spoony knows what it’s for, but he pretends not to know for the sake of humor.

  • doresh

    Having your mind getting distracted by insignificant details? I get that all lot, but usually only for movies. Like how the Clash of the Titans remake kept my thinking how this movie is really just about God and Satan pretending to be Greek gods, or how the Na’vi have a completely different anatomy than EVERYTHING ELSE on Pandora XD

  • TheTechno Wolf

    What’s a Gravity Bomb ?
    The L’Cie ?
    How do one gets to the Pulse Fal’Cie ?
    I’m sorry but what… who are the Aerial Snipers ?

    You okay, Spoony ?

    • Mitchell Bandes

      Your knowledge of the land shall be great… if you slog through all the long, boring text in the datalog.

      • TheTechno Wolf

        What’s a datalog ?

      • TheTechno Wolf

        What’s a datalog ?

  • Shane Asher

    Man, I’ve been looking forward to this review for awhile. I will say that even though I kind of liked FF13 I still have to agree with this. Considering I’m a huge fan of Platforming games like Ratchet and Clank and Sonic, the linear gameplay style of FF13 doesn’t bother me. What does bother me, is how uninvolved the fighting is. I really hate it when games auto play for me, because all it means is that I don’t have to be here. It also really bothers me that you only have control of the main character while your teammates are controlled by the computer. It reminds me a little of Kingdom Hearts where you only controlled Sora, while Donald and Goofy were A.I. The difference there is 1. Kingdoms Hearts is a fast-paced hack and slash game where trying to micro manage 3 characters would be to difficult. 2. While Donald and Goofy do make decent support, they aren’t essential to your survival and thus it doesn’t really matter if the computer screws up. and 3. Kingdom Hearts is really awesome and 13 really doesn’t hold a candle to it.

  • Matsern

    Really good first part, looking forward to the next. I fucking hate this game!

  • Psylumin

    Why do I have the feeling that he doesn’t hate this game as much as he wants to.
    Maybe I am bringing my own opinion into the mix, because I hated the game in theory but… Actually had fun playing this game.
    I am sure Spoony hates FFX more than FFXIII, just because this game at least isn’t obnoxious, but just stupid in a quiet way (though Snow does annoy most of us, right?).

  • Nasser Elusta

    I wonder how many parts there will be for this game?

  • samirerre

    japanese dont like logic and sense!!!!
    btw lol i agree with everything you just said.looooolllll

    • doresh

      Anime is 2-dimensional animation. Suspending your disbelief with 2-dimensional animation is much easier than with FMV-style graphics.

      • samirerre


  • doresh

    Star Wars has laser guns, but it does NOT have Chewbacca punching out an AT-AT.

    And FFXIII might be influenced by Anime, but it doesn’t use its virtual style. You can’t get away with these kinds of stunts when everything looks too realistic.

    • Kaihedgie

      Chewie is unable to speak like his comrades and yet everyone understands him perfectly

      • doresh

        That’s because everyone in the Star Wars universe apparently understands every language, yet only speaks in his own tongue.

        Not that this makes much sense, but at least it’s something you can handwave.

        • Kaihedgie

          Erm…not really since he doesn’t appear to have sort of translation device on him

          • doresh

            I haven’t said anything about translation devices. They just KNOW the languages (apparently that’s all they teach those kids at school), but don’t bother to SPEAK them.

          • Kaihedgie

            Well what’s the point if WE can’t understand?

          • doresh

            Ask George Lucas. He probably wanted all those alienspeak because it sounded cool, and didn’t bother with subtitles because… kids Oo ?

          • Kaihedgie

            Apparently I can’t ask Lucas because some people are so out of their gourd they don’t even credit him as the mind behind the franchise

          • doresh

            So what stops you if you know the truth oo ?

  • Willam Edmonds

    I enjoy FFXIII’s combat, character and story. IF you want the worse story in a FF games look at FF6.

    • Alex

      You say this to piss people off, right?

      • sbkMulletMan

        Yeah, my “trying too hard” detector blew up on that one. Not very subtle.

    • doresh

      Hello, visitor from an alternate universe :D !

    • Steven Black

      FFVI is the masterpiece of the entire series. FFXIII isn’t worthy of dusting sand off Kefka’s boot.

      • Willam Edmonds

        FF6 is just a bunch of sad scene strung together. I just can not care about the character with the huge amount of heart string con jobs going on. I say this after playing the game and watching a let play of it.

        FFXIII’s story flows with it theme better.

      • samirerre

        well thats hes opinion,no need to get ape shit on him.all you can do is to say hes opinion sucks.

    • Ed Novak


  • Fiddlewheel

    One thing this game should have, it has good battle music.
    It sounds very epic.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      Only problem is, the same music plays for every normal battle, and it’s only about a minute long. In this day and age, an RPG should have two or three normal battle themes, at least two minutes in length each, to avoid getting stale.

      • Fiddlewheel

        True that.
        Speaking of battles, they should have gone with all guns and no melee, and made it a FF/Mass Effect hybrid that was turn based.
        Somewhat like FF tactics, only less time consuming and tedious, with cover, enchanted bullets, and used that awesome ant-gravity thing that Lighting girl uses.

  • doresh

    Wait, this finge-snap-thing reminds me of something…

    In FFXII, Fran and Balthier had their big entrance with a hover bike. Said bike ceases to exist after said entrance Oo

    • Discordius Erisianus

      The hoverbike’s engine is consumed by the Dawn Shard.

      • doresh

        But that still doesn’t explain why the skies of Ivalice aren’t full of them. They seem to be VERY useful.

        • Discordius Erisianus

          Airships seem to be very expensive in Ivalice. An old bangaa said in game that he saved for years to buy an old one. Maybe the hoverbike is just very expensive too. It uses the same magicite engine, which is why the Dawn Shard consumes it, so it’s a safe bet the price is way up.

          • doresh

            If they have enough money to build entire armadas of them and establish airlines between major cities, I’m sure they could have enough hoverbikes to fill entire streets with them.

            And I’m pretty sure they would use a much cheaper engine, seeing how normal engines can lift objects that weight several thousand times as much as a hoverbike.

            It’s basically like if our world had lots of giant-ass trucks, but only a handful of mopeds here and there.

  • Patrick Coyle

    Of all the inconsistencies and flaws in this game, the one that’s bothered me the most is Snow’s inexplicable ability to survive fatal falls – at least three of them, I remember. We see other people explicitly having some justification for making those kinds of falls via gravity gizmo, but Snow can just naturally fall hundreds of feet in cutscenes and walk it off with barely a limp.

    Oh God, I just realized… did somebody write them into the script just to make some pun on “snowfall?”

  • Patrick Coyle

    A problem shouldn’t be overlooked just because it’s inherent, including story elements that are completely inconsistent and never justified.

    • mxdirector

      Just rewatched the video. I now relised that he was trying to show us how he thinks not giving us an honest critique of the game.

  • Evan Strozniak

    Great work Spoony as always I understand your pain I wasted 50hrs
    playing this terrible shitty game It is possible the worst Final Fantasy
    game to date I can’t wait to see more keep it up :D

  • Romangelo Perez

    Blame Motoumo Toriyama :3

  • Drain Blut

    Welcome back to the world of FF Spoony. You may have not missed it, but it missed you. Great review as always. Looking forward to the rest of the parts!

  • Nasser Elusta

    I wonder how many parts this one will be?

  • ScreamingDoom

    One may think that Final Fantasy pioneered the no-user-input-needed gameplay, but that’s not true! First, there was PROGRESS QUEST.

    Truly a landmark in gaming happened there, something the designers of Final Fantasy put to heart. This is the true face of future gaming!

  • Carteeg_Struve

    Wait. You mean Squall and Seifer WEREN’T venting their pent up closeted feelings for each other?

    In case you can’t guess, I’m in the “don’t apologize” camp. In any massive body of work there are things a creator will look back on and cringe; but they are what they are, and it’s part of what got you to where you are now.

    Plus Nobuo couldn’t come up with more fitting lyrics to the song. :-)

  • Wagner Paiva Fernandes

    Great video

  • Aiddon

    Wow, you’re now convinced that VIII is no longer as bad as XIII? That’s something else.

    In regards to XII, I blame all its failings on its executives. Vaan, for example, was NOT supposed to be the main character of XII; it was supposed to be Basch. Vaan wasn’t even IN the original version of XII. Executives crammed the kid in because they didn’t believe audiences would be able to relate to a guy in his 30s. The comabt system I also blame on executives because afterward the director of the game (Yasumi Matsuno, probably the most talented RPG writer and director of the last twenty years. Seriously) basically went “Fuck. You. Square, I’m outta here” and left the company because he got sick of being jerked around. Executive producer roles then went to Akitoshi Kawazu who was the main guy behind the Saga series. Which is a series that is best known for its clumsy, needlessly bullshitty gameplay. XII could have been the best FF since VII, but it was destroyed due to idiot suits.

    As for XIII, its story being godawful is solely to blame on Motomu Toriyama. This is the guy who directed FFX-2 and is probably Square’s biggest, most talentless hack. Seriously, not even engaging in hyperbole here. This guy buried the Front Mission series with Evolved’s atrocious storyline that was panned by critics and fans. He wrote one of the most incredibly disgusting, offensive, downright misogynistic scripts I have EVER seen with the abysmal 3rd Birthday. And now he’s burying the FF series into an even deeper hole with his atrocious abilities. The guy POISONS everything he touches. I seriously don’t know why this guy keeps getting projects; Kitase is putting this guy on everything despite the fact that he has no clue how to write a script or design a decent game. This is a guy who has nothing but contempt for players and despises criticism.

    • Aaron Kerr

      What the flying hell is 3rd Birthday? I have honestly never heard of that.

      • Aiddon

        It was an attempted revival of the PS1-era survival horror-RPG Parasite Eve. T3B is literally one of the most wretched, misogynistic scripts I’ve ever seen in a game. I don’t know what the HELL kinda issues Toriyama has with women but a lot of the stuff in that game was REALLY creepy at times.

      • Jim Boom

        Technically Parasite Eve 3, but not at all. The 3rd Birthday ends by you having to kill Aya Breya. There- I saved whoever is looking at this 10-20 hours of your life. Only good thing about that waste of time is that it isn’t called Parasite Eve 3.

    • Jim Boom

      Thank goodness for Front Mission 5’s fan translation. Outside of that, you nailed it how I have been digging Mass Effect and looking at Shin Megami Tensei.

  • takwai

    Pretentious is the downfall of Japanese gaming and animation industry. They tried so hard to make an art out of every freaking merchandize they make. I know artistic element is what make a product kick. But if a designer being too eccentric about things like character inner conflict, irony and symbolism, the final result is very annoying. Look at the casualties such as Metroid the other M, FF series after 10 and Gunbuster. Check out Bennet the Saga latest video about EVA series; I cannot stop thinking about how Japanese used the same tactic to butcher one of their best RPG game in history.

    • Godmars

      No, that kind of thinking applies better to Last Guardian which I’m betting will be a PS$ title if its ever seen. FF13 was the result of trying to make a game into manufactured product.

  • Chris Lauderdale

    The reason Lightning never used that device again is because she broke it. I think.

    is a stupid explanation that does not actually change how poor the
    writing that put the device in there is. It just makes it less likely to
    drive you nuts figuring it out.

    Is it just me, or did Spoony start turning into Mr. Plinkett from Red Letter Media for a couple of minutes there?

  • Wagner Paiva Fernandes

    I liked the REDLETTERMEDIA references at the end =D

    • doresh

      What is wrong with your CAPS XD ?!

  • Chris Lauderdale

    As for my feelings on XIII, it was better than X. You are right that Crystarium is stupid. When playing it all that changed was what class you favored for about 10 fights. By the end you maxed them all out. Seriously, you just spend a couple of hours killing stuff while hammering the x button and you will get plenty of crystarium to max out everything.

    Thing is they put a level block. Until you reach the next part of the game, you are cockblocked from leveling any more. I mean, sure it prevents OCD levelling, but in the end, you just end up in this terribly linear leveling, that is senseless and pointless.

    It’s the complete illusion of choice. They should have just, I don’t know, done it automatically! Or at least have that as an option!

  • MaraBackman

    I think this is one of Spoony’s better reviews. I liked the very long stream-of-consciousness rambling, obviously inspired by Redlettermedia, that kept getting funnier and funnier in a great crescendo. I also liked the bit with Groucho Marx and the surprisingly high-brow joke at the end. Kudos good sir!

  • samirerre

    im glad spoony dose ff again

  • Phantom_Roxas

    I may like this game, but I’m not going to argue with what was said here. I liked how you compared Snow to Sabin, as you supplied an example where the Monk class can work and why it doesn’t here. Vaan is a weak character, and I would much prefer to follow Balthier, Basch, or Ashe, among which I say Ashe is the main character just as much as Yuna is in X. Balthier doesn’t have to be the main character, as he’s a good character in his own right and that wouldn’t change if he stayed as a supporting member in Ashe’s story, and the same goes for Basch.

    Motomu Toriyama and Yoshinori Kitase are ruining Kitase, and they need to be stopped. I’m hoping Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn will redeem that particular title, but we have a long way to go before we can get the series back to the critical acclaim it once had. I may be faithful and hopeful, but I’m willing to concede that since I still need to play more of the series, I have a very bizarre view on how the series has progressed. As it should be obvious, I’m more of a Kingdom Hearts fan, so I have a bias that makes me want to see Nomura have a bigger role, hopefully overtaking Toriyama’s involvement in the series.

    Your way of criticizing the hallway was far more amusing than Jon Tron’s review of Final Fantasy XIII. Admittedly, it was because I didn’t like the idea of how exaggerated it was, nor was I willing to accept criticism of the game, but it was more welcome here because you actually addressed the illusion of branching paths rather than pretending that there isn’t even an illusion, as that just comes across as hyperbole.

    I await Part 2.

  • CommieCatGirl

    That’s what it’s like being Harry S. Plink- I mean me, I totally mean me!

  • Atmos_Duality

    Final Fantasy 13 is what happened when Square-Enix tried to take their outdated franchise model, and streamline it for modern gaming audiences.

    The hyper-linearity, illusion of choice, cookie-cutter combat scenarios and extreme emphasis on graphical tech/action show their intent was launching the game into a modern era.
    (you know, the tropes that modern publishers and developers employ because they think their core demographic are a bunch of fucking hyperactive imbeciles.)

    But the trappings of old-Squeenix are still present:

    The Crystarium system is just the Sphere Grid all over again.
    Turn based combat is still turn based despite trying so damn hard to pretend it’s fast-paced action.
    Class arrangements are pretty much per-ordained, and figuring out the proper arrangement is the only challenge that stems from the gameplay itself. At its deepest, it’s all trial-and-error.

    Mix the trappings of the past with the generic pandering of the present, and you get this Frankenstein abomination of hack lazy writing and boring gameplay all draped in incredibly polished graphics
    A dazzling shell of a game that’s completely hollow on the inside.

    And it’s because of this that I don’t blame Spoony for nitpicking and hyperbole, because that is literally all one can do to make this entertaining. FF13 is just boring dross with bland and annoying characters, in a generic jrpg “Fight the power, discover the twist, world is doomed” scenario.

    • Octo Seven

      Intelligent and eloquently put,

      • Atmos_Duality

        Thank you.
        My only regret is that I had to actually play the game at all to come to this realization.
        I really do feel sorry those who completed it out of spite, because it is just so…aggressively *dull*.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          “aggressively dull*?

          That’s a description that i have never found fit anything but this game and i doubt that i will ever hear it again.


  • Jonathan Andersson

    Yeah, this game is just style and no substance. A way too common trend as well.

    • doresh

      Because why bother with substance if this supposedly won’t get you any higher sales Oo ?

  • Guus van Voorst

    *Screams in delight and despair… at the same time… ;-)

  • Godmars

    I think the most frustrating thing about this game has to be the segment of the community who fell in step with Square’s PR bullshit. When they said towns weren’t needed a lot of people only stood by and defended them. I blame those fans for 13-2 and 13-3 which Sqaure had planned from the beginning, which might have been stopped if enough people complained like they did with FF14, which was a result of the exact same kind of laziness that happened to FF13.

    They didn’t know what they were doing, didn’t have a good understanding of the hardware, and they bullshitted most of their way through.

  • JDR

    Spoony continues to decline. As awful as this game is, he just nitpicked silly stuff. And seriously, get a haircut and stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time.

    I want to be your fan; help me out.

    • Spectr

      His recent videos feel a bit forced

    • Jeremy Alva

      Wow, that’s some hard trollin’ there, Tex! Don’t you have anything better to do than nitpick the nitpicky nature of a reviewer (you know…someone whose JOB it is to nitpick?), or do you pretty much just spend all day, every day rewatching all of Spoony’s old videos from his “golden days”?

      And fuck you, long haired blokes are the motherfuckin’ tits, man. We sure look a helluva lot better than YOUR poindexter ass, if that avatar is really supposed to be you.

      • JackRyan

        If he were trolling he wouldnt get upvotes and posts that agree with him.

        Take of the fanboy glasses, Spoony has declined, his new videos are overpoduced and stiff.

      • Bill Hiers

        I agree that JDR is a jerk but hey, we short-haired guys have feelings too! Let’s just that any hair length is fine.

  • Ed Novak

    A “Waiting for Godot” joke? Holy crap, dude. That’s not something you see every day.

  • Jessica McIntyre

    I remember when the two trailers, Final Fantasy XIII and Versus XIII came out, side by side, six years ago. I watched XIII’s first, watched some sexy woman bouncing around a train slaying soldiers with an impassive face. It was so bright and colorful, and I could not care less. Then I watched Versus, and it was literally night and day. It opened in a castle with beautiful architecture, a boy sitting on a throne far too large for him (and wearing clothes that a normal human being would wear). Though he’s young he moves like he is weary, that he has seen and done some terrible things. Then he gets up and walks to the front of the building where a thousand soldiers wait for him, and instantly start trying to kill him, but he fights back. All the while this beautiful operatic music swells up with the action of the trailer. I loved it. Watched it over and over, and the next few trailers made me want Versus even more. In that six minute trailer I got a feel for the main character, and his relationships with his father, friends, love interest, and the environment. And the brief action scenes gave me a lot of hope. (and unlike XIII the fights looked a touch more logical. Wanna fight a 30 foot tall beast? Go get a tank!)
    Yet, lucky me, Versus kept getting shoved to the side to make crappy ol’ XIII and the two sequels nobody asked for. Makes me a not so happy ex Square fan.

  • Jeremy Owens

    You know, I don’t get why XII gets some of the hate it does. Vaan is kind of a dumbass but the rest of it was just a nice blast of freshness into the series. The combat was different, yet similar enough that you could understand it if you’d played any FF game before (especially any of them besides X) and NO RANDOM BATTLES makes me happy. The world was open and there were tons of places to explore, and the story wasn’t just another “Save the world with a side of love story” slog fest like pretty much every other FF game ever.

    But no, people complained that XII was too open and it was easy to get lost in made Final Hallway XIII (thanks JonTron!) possible, because that’s pretty much what everyone was crying for. Square made a terrible game in XIII, but I think the blame falls at least a little bit on the audience that pushed Square to go “Oh, it’s too open, huh? Well fuck you then, we’ll show you LINEAR.”

  • Deacon Hagan

    XIII is the Ult Bij

  • Cameron Hamilton

    I can get the hatred of what came from FFX, and even some aspects of FFXII like the license board (which ZJS fixed), but it’s hard to see the logic in your main two complaints Spoony, especially with minutes later whining about the opposite with Lightning unable to avoid the death cannon. Yes, FFXII required a bit of micromanaging, but that’s what made it FUN. Maybe not fun for everyone, but that exact logic of “why can’t she move out of that?” is why the combat in FFXII was good. There was actual strategy and positioning going on in fights. And Gambits could be used to eliminate micro you didn’t want to bother with, like purging status effects.

    As for following the main character, who ever said the player character had to be the main character of the story? FFX was about Yuna, FFXII was about Ashe. This is not a new thing.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      Generally, in a one-off story, the protagonist should not be a side character.
      “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead” worked because it was based on “Hamlet”, for instance.

      • Aiddon

        Thing is they were still the main characters of THEIR story. That was the whole point.

    • avery cawley

      First thing, this is just spoonys thoughts, and it is really stupid that a woman takes a death canon head first with out even attempting to move out of the way. Yea is finaly fantasy logic, but again, its just his thoughts viewing the game for the first time.

      On your second point, Its fucking stupid that the main character is actually main character just a some dude not knowing shit. especially when they say “THIS IS MY STORY” and try really hard to be important. its okay to have a audience segregate in a story. But not as a main character! imagine if in Doctor who the Doctor wasn’t the main character and it was a companion? that would suck big time right?

      • Deacon Hagan

        Blink rebutes that.

    • Aiddon

      ugh, the rules of writing dictate the player character is the main character. Vaan was shoehorned into the plot at the last minute and it’s obvious that he didn’t fit. Basch was supposed to be the hero of XII, but the suits thought people couldn’t relate to a guy in his 30s and instead forced Vaan in. Maybe it would have been better if Vaan had more of a reason to be with Ashe, Balthier, Fran, and Basch, but he doesn’t ; there is literally NOTHING preventing him from just saying “screw it, I’m outta here” and just going back to his normal life.

      • Jeremy Owens

        “Rules of writing dictate the player (viewpoint) character is the main character” yeah okay.

        Go read Moby Dick and then get back to me.

        • Aiddon

          Ishmael is still the protagonist (i.e. the main character) of Moby Dick. Just because Ahab is the one stabbin’ whales doesn’t make him the main character

  • David_Dennings

    Bit of an underwhelming first part – I kind of expected you to explode into the hate and the rage immediately (as I myself have often done in discussions regarding this game) but I can tell it’s only going to ramp up from here. Can’t wait. A good start either way though; here’s hoping for a quick turnover for the next part.

  • Drew Taylor

    I’ve heard 14 is a lot better now then it was at release, and 11 is still going strong, so at least FF still has that going for it.

  • Jamie Sheil

    Spoony’s nitpicks on Lightnings confidence against the giant mech, and Snows punching shit is justified early on, but later on when they become L’cie I think it makes sense that now that they have these special powers, they feel powerful enough to take shit on.

    But the fact that they basically act like superheroes before they get their powers is ridiculous, and is just a sign of lazy writing. The development history was all fucked up though, apparently when they released the first demo they had only barely started on the development proper. This was like a year and a half before release.

    All they had to do was give Snow a gun, make the intro less ridiculously padded, and keep the fighting of giant mechs down to a minimum. It takes like 3 fucking hours before you even unlock the crystarium. Until then it’s just mash X because you can’t even paradigm shift (the only element of combat that requires thinking).

    What makes me saddest though is that the setting genuinely had potential, but it was just so horribly executed with some of the laziest writing I’ve ever seen. And you think they’d use XIII-2 as an opportunity to improve on that, but no, the writing in that game makes FF XIII look like George Orwells 1984.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      There are a lot of things less depressing than 1984, so that’s pretty likely.

      To me, comparing the two games’ stories is just apples and oranges. XIII-1 was written (allegedly) as a simple three act structure, whereas XIII-2 is more like a TV series.

  • Larry James Burns Jr.

    Darth Vader likely had a colostomy or an Ileostomy under his armor. I’m guessing!

  • Elliot Wright

    So… He mentioned the hallway. I have to share this related video here.

  • Morgil27

    I’ve never played FFXIII, nor do i want to, but i recognized a lot of the music in the review from Final Fantasy Theatrhythm. Now that’s a game i really liked and found insanely addictive. I wonder if Spoony’s played it and what his opinion on it is.

  • David Pierson

    You know, I had just about the exact same thoughts you had for the first few hours here. I was so confused, I had no idea what a L’Cie or Fal’Cie was throughout the entire game. No clue. Sure I eventually found out when I looked it up in the damn dictionary, because I was so fed up with the game not telling me, or a single character asking about it, but by then I was almost at the last boss.

    But to be perfectly honest, I found the story to be rather interesting, and I liked how focused it was on the characters. It was just horribly told, and relied FAR too heavily on the dictionary. Don’t even get me started on THE worst villains in Final Fantasy history.

    However, even with all its faults, and there are far too many to name, I still enjoyed this game. I really liked the gameplay, and had a lot of fun with it. Just seeing the gorgeous scenery was a treat, and I loved the music. Is it one of the worst in the series? Absolutely. But to me, this game is a guilty pleasure.

  • Ben Beckley

    for the first few hours i was so confused as to what the hell was going on. they never fully explain anything. if you want to know more you have to read the primers and that completely grinds the game to a halt. i never actually got around to beating this game. as it turns out i quit right before the game opens up but oh well. oh and i kind of liked 13-2. im not sure why but it was ok. it was still fairly linear but it felt open. the monster concept was cool. at first i thought i would be able to really connect with the only 2 playable characters, but by the end scene i really didn’t feel anything. oh and don’t even get me started on the clock puzzles.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      I myself enjoy brain-bending puzzles.

      • Ben Beckley

        yeah their ok but when some of the harder ones i just don’t have the patience for.

  • Hath

    …and THIS is why I’m a Dragon Quest fan.

  • Henrik Olsson

    i so agree with the confusion at the start of the game and i think the hole game would have flowed 10 times better had they just started from the start and say used serah for all the toturial stuff. insted of wasting 20 hours with that shit.

    also once you figure out the extremly easy story of FF13 you will be so annoyed that they tried to make it sound so complex and entralling. all you really need to know is pluse = outside world cacoon = bubble world in the sky you live in, fal’cie = all knowing robots le’cie = people chosen by fal’cie.

    when spoony says this game has hallways he is not lying 90% is hallways while the other 10% is branched hallway you get a bit down the road.

    otherwise you stuck way to long on the astectic of the game be it robes or where the bloodly loot is kept. most people really don’t think about it,

  • foolofsound

    I was kinda left unsatisfied by this review, and it took me a bit to figure out why. It’s because this isn’t really a Spoony review, it’s more or less just griping about legitimate, but very, very minor points in the game (which Spoony reviews do, sure, but they have other assets). After watching this review, not one joke or piece of snark stuck with me (and there wasn’t even a lot of it to begin with). I’ve been following Spoony’s site for about five years now, and I can recall a joke from nearly any given review off the top of my head, but not this one.

    I’ve loved Spoony’s reviews in the past, and nitpicking is certainly a part of his style, but it isn’t the whole of it. I really hope Spoony takes a bit of time before the next part of this
    review, and actually writes some funny dialogue, rather than this
    more-or-less stream of consciousness vidlog nonsense.

  • Octo Seven

    Awesome review. I have noting to bitch about for once.

  • Deacon Hagan

    Only the twilight zone can get away with a regular human punching robots…

    as for snow……why not give him cybernetic arms that sends out acute EMP when he makes contact to short out the robot’s systems similar to spells ( Video feed = blindness Sensor overload= Confusion reboot =sleep etc, etc) and has his limit breaker be a Nantes swarm that devours anything metal…

    There in two minutes I solved a problem that the designers of this game couldn’t do with years of planning….

    • Sol_Badguy

      Here’s a better idea: Wait until after he’s powered up by the fal’cee, or whatever, to put him in a fight and then it becomes a bit more logical, because he then has mystical/magical energy behind his punches. Yes, it relies on the “it’s magic, we don’t have to explain shit!” excuse, but it’s better than just having a guy who punches things and somehow is able to damage it.

      Tifa and Sabin had their martial arts training with their masters and Zell had his Guardian Force to back him up. Snow is just a punk who punches things and somehow gets lucky enough to damage it.

      Reminds me of a Gundam Wing Rewrite where Zechs Marquis jumps out of a plane, lands on a Gundam, punches it with his fists and somehow damages it. THAT made more sense than Snow’s power punching.

      • Deacon Hagan

        that not a bad idea. And we make it so using the powers is like a drug. Then we Get SNOWFLAME!!!!

        • Aaron Kerr

          SNOWFLAME punches MACHINES!!!

          • Deacon Hagan

            ( and I demand a Snowflame and Ult warrior review!)

        • Sol_Badguy

          That would have elevated this game to beyond any of the previous Final Fantasy games through sheer awesomeness alone. Snowflame, the man powered by cocaine, doing “I AM A MAN!!!” punches on all the mechs. You know what? I would actually buy that being a plausible explanation as to how he can punch those robots into obliteration.

    • sbkMulletMan

      Square *did* publish Deus Ex: Human Revolution, so augmenting snowflake would be a good way to turn him into a snow *man*.

      But, we wanted Orange and it gave us Lemon-Lime, so we’re stuck with “just go with it”. I didn’t ask for this.

    • Luke Brennan

      there is an actual explanation kinda, his weapon is described as tech that augments his body so he can actually fight.

  • Timo Takalo

    Ten seconds with Snow and I already want to throw him out of the entire game. On further thought, I have come up with at least one concrete reason for why he is so unlikable. Let’s take a look at his line “heroes don’t need plans”. I’ll ignore the “plans” part. It’s easy to see what is wrong there. Now, the implication is that he’s calling himself a hero. That’s not how it works. Being called a hero is an opinion, a judgment call, and it’s something others call someone. You don’t get to decide if you yourself are a hero. Saying you yourself are a hero is basically shorthand for “I’m awesome, and everyone can see it”. Almost every character who thinks like that is an unlikable asshole.

    • Sol_Badguy

      To be honest, I could see where they were going with it: he’s going to rescue Serra, so he views himself as a “hero” rescuing his princess. Unfortunately for the audience it doesn’t work because it hasn’t built up to that point yet, it’s just randomly thrown in at the beginning because…

      Square-Enix: “What’s a narrative?”

      • lordnate

        Yeah, but if you are in that situation and you actually care for Serra, are you thinking about what a great hero you will be or are you thinking about her? It almost seems like he is more concerned of attaining hero status and her safety is just an after thought. Snow seems like a character that would save you, and then tell you how much you should thank him for doing so.

    • Jeff Juozapaitis

      Snow is honestly one of the best characters to have a scene with. Yeah, he’s stupid and relatively one-dimensional, but he’s at the very least not boring and brooding.

      • Stephen Ryan

        Sadly, he is the one that has almost 0 character growth over 13 and 13-2, with Sazh coming in close behind. It could be argued he needs it less than the others, (Hope is fighting with his hatred of Snow and the loss of everything he knew/loved, at a young age, Vanille and Fang are dealing with having been the cause of the giant hole in Cocoon and the instructions to destroy the world. Lightning is dealing with inner angst, the fact her sister is going to marry Mister Meatbag, and that everything she sincerely trusted has gone to hell).

        He gets significantly less personable in 13-2 though, which is a shame, cause Noel is a twat.

  • Randall Hellmer

    Posted the day after finals…Spoony, you didn’t need to get me anything for Christmas. :P

    Seriously, though, this was spot-on. Me and a friend played this game together, and we spent the first five hours completely clueless. Then the story actually started, and we suddenly didn’t care what was going on. Overall, I won’t say we didn’t end up enjoying it, but this game didn’t deserve the time we gave it.

  • Warboss Aohd

    glorious Warboss Spoony.

  • Ville

    “Heroes don’t need plans!”

    Seriously, who wrote this shit?

    • NeroAngelo

      Writers don’t need plans . . . or talent

  • Romangelo Perez

    Every mistake every single one of the faults of these 13 games can all be blamed on the man that likes to shit on franchise’s of Square like Parasite Eve with the Third birthday, wrote the scrip for mindjack and has had hand on multiple shitty titles from Square including FF 10-2
    Thanks Motumo Toriyama for ruining Final Fantasy

    • golden izanagi

      oh man third birthday I liked the previous 2 parasite eve games and was hoping that that one would be good, goddamn was I disappointed, everything in the story was just confusing, the characters hard to like especially with how condescending they are to aya yeah I know she lost her memory and is a bit off right now but I would think they would show a little more respect to the person who saved the world twice. and yes I know the reason to why she lost her memory which makes me pissed off at the game even more.

  • alex minor

    The other final fantasys were really funny because of the nerd rage you caused.
    But most people hate this one anyway, so i’m interested to see where you go with it.

    • sbkMulletMan

      Looks like he’s going with a “truth hurts” route by being more informative than “goofball”, which I like. Yeah, he gets caught in the Trapper Keeper from time to time, but that’s still fun, and does illustrate what happens when you actually put *thought* into a game that didn’t have the courtesy to do the same.

      Very curious to see how the rest unfolds. Though it does seem he’s still causing a lot of “nerd rage” with the fans that do like this game (I noticed they’re not very skilled at articulating why they like it. A lot of “I just do” reasons, and so much anger because of it).

  • Henry Tien

    How does Noah feel about Final Fantasy 9?

    • Sol_Badguy

      I remember in one of his other Final Fantasy videos he talked about 9 briefly. If I remember correctly, he said he didn’t like it, but admitted he was biased towards 9’s art and/or character design, which held him back from getting into it.

      • sbkMulletMan

        Even though I loved 9 (good thing too, because it was the last “old school bone” the fans were thrown before…well, we all know what came next), I do not hold it against Spoony, or anyone, at all for having lack of interest in the game based on its art style. 9 is a goofy, GOOFY game, what with the animal-people making it look like The Isle of Naboombu and all, and many of the characters looked like Gelflings, and I’m almost certain Steiner was played by Robert Z’dar. Very goofy game indeed. FUN, but goofy, and definitely not for everyone.

        That’s what happens when Amano is only the illustrator, rather than the character designer.

        And side note: I do almost wish Spoony reviewed 9 just so he could make a bunch of wrestling jokes with Steiner. He could have had a “I’m HUNGRY!” and “Faaaat Asses!” counter for every time Steiner (or Quina…who is probably the most love-it/hate-it character) ate something. He’d probably have had more fun with that than with the actual game.

  • Carlos Alexandre

    You do not disappoint, Noah. I hear you about dwelling on some little aspect of something; I do the same. It’s why I take so long to get to sleep at night, heh. Funny review.

    Yet… SAY-bin. I know the pronunciation isn’t set in stone, but I always thought it was SAH-bin or sa-BEEN.

    • doresh

      And that’s why Sabin kicks ass XD

      I’m also pretty sure it’s SAH-bin.

  • itbegins2005

    The opening of this video slayed me. THANK YOU for making this– I had just been thinking that there weren’t any good reviews up this week, and suddenly Spoony comes to the rescue with the big one he’s been teasing for a couple of YEARS now.

    This just made my week.

  • Splinge McGraw

    Before even watching it I’m gonna give the controversial opinion that I really liked FF13, and nothing Spoony says will change that. It’ll still be hilarious though.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      We shall see, Mr. McGraw. We shall see.

  • Matthew McHenry

    You really shouldn’t apologize for past jokes that are in bad taste now. I doubt anyone was stupid enough to think that was your true opinion on homosexuality and if anyone would bitch about it you should have referred them to Spooning With Spoony 2 and tell them to take that seriously as well.

    Apologizing for making insensitive jokes would be the same as Warner Bros. or Disney apologizing for all of their racist cartoons. Instead, they just ignore that dark spot in time and go on making excellence (most of the time).

  • Lexxure

    Not sure if I’m overreacting or what, but 23:45 or so, when Vanilla lands on her butt there’s a pretty clear panty shot there. Rikku from FFX all over again.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      Well, except Rikku was underage, and Vanille is… um, very much not.

  • EL

    Is it just me or does Snow look like Seifer? Well…a mix of Kingdom Hears and FFVIII Seifer.

  • Sfr528

    Who remembers when Square would release games all the time, in a variety of genres, and you could say with a clear conscience that they were all worth playing. Even Final Fantasy VIII, for all its flaws, wasn’t an awful experience for me. I felt the story and gameplay only started to fall apart towards the end of the 3rd Disc, and I hated the 4th disc due to the lack of ability to visit villages. However, I still finished the game; which says that I at least was invested enough to see it through.

    It has been a rapid decline since the golden era. I felt Square peaked during the psx generation, started to slowly decline into mediocrity during PS2, and is now a company that I can’t even articulate how disjointed I feel about them. Their greatest asset to this generation was publishing Sleeping Dog’s and Deus Ex 3… I sincerely miss the old Square that released games that had me thoroughly engaged with the world, story, and characters.

    All hope is not lost though, there are developers creating games that have that ‘feel’ old school rpg’s had. Atlus has been creating some thoroughly enjoyable RPG’s, the only problem is they tend to have very short shelf cycles. There is also Monolith Soft and xSeed releasing thoroughly enjoyable games.

    By the way, I completely agree with Spoony on how bad Final Fantasy XIII is. I didn’t think Final Fantasy X was a bad game, the story got ridiculous towards the end, I’ll give it that. Seymour’s hair was horrible, it really did have me laughing for all the wrong reasons. The dialogue could be hilarious for all the wrong reasons as well and the voice acting was variable. However, the game was still beautiful, had an amazing soundtrack, the combat was fluid and fun, and I wanted to see the end. Final Fantasy XIII was the first RPG by Square that I purchased and felt no drive to finish. I got 8 hours deep and sold the game shortly afterwards.

    • Corey Schaff

      I liked Final Fantasy X and IX’s story; X-2 was pure fanservice but it’s still a guilty pleasure for me. Final Fantasy XII had a story, but I personally disagreed with the direction the “good” characters were taking (if I recall correctly we basically got ordered by some asshole gods to go wipe out the Humanists so that they could regain control of history or w/e).

      I played Crystal Chronicles Final Fantasy…but I couldn’t tell you what it was about; I had no idea what the story was supposed to be (then again I couldn’t finish it).

      • Tom-Olav Hundstad

        On FFXII – we ended up flipping off said “asshole gods”.

    • Ian Morency

      the only part of square that is still good is the enix part with the dragon quest series

    • Stephen Ryan

      FF10 followed 9’s lead and actually went back to the campy nature that was the mid-range Final Fantasy games (5 is more or less entirely camp in its story line, for instance, and its visible in 4 and 6 as well). They just did a mediocre job with it, to the point of unintentional hilarity.

  • Mateusz Marcin Trejman

    I’ve been waiting for this reveiw… gosh! Release the SpoonyOne! :)

  • Joe Wright

    All these games should go: opening credits, then Experience Bij . . .

  • Nash Knight


  • Kostantine

    I was very much disappointed that you backed down on your FF8 standpoint, Spoony, really.

  • lordnate

    Here is the real problem with FF games. Most of us here I assume, if not all of us are adults. At least there are a lot of us who are adults that watch these videos. We remember playing FF as kids and want that same experience, but now as adults. FF isn’t intended to be played by adults. At least XIII wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination. Why is Snow dumb? He plays the dumb hero character that is in kids shows. Why is the battle system watered down? Because its meant to be something an 8 year old could easily play.

    I beat FF XIII with the starting equipment. I never changed a single weapon or piece of equipment. Why did I do that. Well… the first few battles were really easy so I decided to save my money for later stuff. After a while, I realized the game wasn’t getting any harder. So, I decided to see how long I could play the game without changing equipment. I just so happened to beat the game. Or, the game beat itself as I just watched the auto battles.

    I’ve come to the conclusion, that its not designed for someone that has played RPGs for 20 or so years. Its designed for someone that is playing their first or maybe second RPG. Its intentionally watered down.

    • Godmars

      Thing is its not really about the game anymore, but rather like Yogurt from Space Balls said, its the merchandising. Selling FF branded crap to cos-players and collectors. And those tend to be kids who’s first FF probably is XIII or remakes on the 3DS.

      • lordnate

        IMO, and maybe this isn’t good business as no company seems to do it, but I think a game should evolve with its fans. An 8 year old kid doesn’t know what FF IV is like, the first one I played. The FF brand, IMO, means more to adults who grew up with the games. There are new game series all the time and most of those should cater more to kids. None of us would have much of a problem with FF XIII if it didn’t have the FF brand name. It would just be another poor game. It at least seems like this would be a good business policy and would be great fan service. Give us pretty much traditional FF style combat designed for advanced gamers, improved graphics, and a story-line that’s a bit more adultish, but still consistent with FF’s traditional style.

        • Godmars

          Sorry but you’re wrong about that. Marvel and DC comics have only reset their characters every few years or so to address that while some of their continuing audience stays with them, the majority are young newcomers. Not trying to make excuses for them, especially not if what suppose ti happen with Spiderman #700, just give an example.

          • lordnate

            And the majority of their audience for those comics are new comers largely because they reset the story. The stories aren’t made to evolve with the audience. I also think its a little different, in the fact that comics get published a lot quicker than games. If I read every Spiderman comic for 5 years, I’d get pretty bored of it no matter what they did. Most FF games come out once every few years and most of the time the setting is in a different world and the characters are totally new. The only exception is when they do something like X-II or XIII-II.

            So, I think with a game series you could evolve the games with your audience. Most of my friends that I played video games with as a kid are still playing video games as adults. I’ll admit, I don’t read comics so I’m not as in tune with that market, but for games I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. I also think you could pick up some new audience as the game evolved.

            By the way, I don’t know if people get what I am saying by evolve. I don’t mean make the game rated M just for the sake of catering to adults. I think you could still keep it someone censored, just not make the characters so goofy like many characters are that are marketed to kids. They could make the battle system more geared toward veteran gamers. Things like that.

    • Michael Wilbur

      Wait … A Final Fantasy game that’s just a linear cooridor where you can see the enemies, all designed as an introduction to RPGs? F*ck me, it’s Mystic Quest all over again.

  • SamThePsycicClam

    Note to RPG creators, all guns or no guns unless you create a world where melee weapons have some kind of advantage,prime example Skies of Arcadia, where there was a lot of battles in confined areas which would make melee combat preferable and due to the power of the moonstones that they are forged from and powered by swords can send out a wave of energy to attack distant targets. Although even that game which I really like annoys me a little because it is still a sword and Aika actually uses a bloody boomerang, boomerang or pistol… take the bloody pistol

  • AceVader0

    Disappointing review. Look, I love most of your reviews, but this one… is a little off. Let me explain.

    First of all, FF XIII was released not so long ago, so everybody remembers its flaws. That’s why the review kind of sounds… pointless, for the time being. Maybe that’s not the word, but you know what I mean.

    Secondly, the game has OBVIOUS flaws. So when I started the video I was expecting you to point out those flaws while making some jokes. But what I found, was just you ranting about everything. And I mean, EVERYTHING. When you do it in a comical way it’s fine, but most of the time you don’t. That’s another reason why the review didn’t look like a good idea to me. If this review had come out 5 or 10 years after the game, then those complaints would have been OK, “it’s Spoony’s style”. But dude, we all remember the game, and it wasn’t THAT bad as you’re pointing out. Or it is, maybe it is, but not because of the things you are saying. Because like I said before, FF XIII has obvious flaws! Focusing on “how can she kill a giant mech by herself? why those ‘aerial snipers’ don’t fly around since they are carrying guns and jetpacks?” is just silly. It’s a game! And a Final Fantasy one! That’s definitely not the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen.

    I mean, ok, Snow just running and punching everything is idiotic as hell, but… mmm well, pretty much everything about Snow is idiotic as hell, so…
    Even the Sazh’s poses get complained?

    It’s obvious at this point, that I liked the game. I didn’t like lots of stuff about it, but some other things were good. In fact, FF XIII and FF XIII-2 have the best combat system in the entire franchise. But hey, I’m no fanboy, at first I couldn’t wait to watch the review, because I also liked FFX and the review was just hilarious.

    But again, to me, this whole part 1 of the review was just Spoony ranting on every single irrelevant detail. You spend 10 seconds talking about how the game doesn’t have any cities or exploration, but then you spend 5 minutes talking about the robes in the train. Seriously?

    This was just my honest opinion about the review. To all the other commenters, if you disagree with me, it’s fine, let me know and we can talk about it. I wanted to share my opinion about the review because I think he can do it much better than this.

    • Cory Silver

      Not everyone remembers the game. I’d say probably more people that will watch the review, never played it.

    • Jose Reynaldo Rodríguez Fernán

      I shall attempt to defend Spoony talking about the robes.
      In paying very close attention to the robes. How much they would cost, comfort, ability to go to the bathroom, purpose, etc. Spoony draws attention to a symptom of a larger problem. The robes look cool but serve little purpose in the story. And upon inspection, seem to hurt the story. Why bother robing these people who are just going to get killed? It is never mentioned that it is part of some ritual or rite of passage or cleansing of sin or something. It’s just there. “Looking cool.”
      The robes are a symptom of the bigger problem. The bigger problem being lack of forethought. Allow me to expound on this. The robes were designed to look cool, make the people on the train look generic but stand out against everything else in the game. But logically in the game’s universe they are incongruous. Cost would be too high, why robe dead men walking, what’s the religious meaning?
      The creators did not stop to think about the robes and several other things in the game.
      For example, (jumping ahead a bit) towards the end of the game the gang assault Coccoon with their Summons. They fight through the armies of dudes and switch back and forth between fighting form and vehicle mode. That part of the game tells us they can summon their Transformers out of the battle screen and rain down some destruction and ride around.
      Why didn’t they use their Transformers to run away from the armies that were after them? Why didn’t they use them to skip to the roof of the tower in that one place in Gran Pulse?
      When you do not pay attention to your work and have stuff happen because it’s cool or flashy, people will wonder about the practical applications. Wether it’s something as minor as robes for convicts or Transformers Summons.
      Spoony complains about the robes and nitpicks at them for a long time. In a way, he’s inviting you to do the same. Focus on the little things in the game and in other games. You will be surprised as to how stupid it can get.
      I shall leave you with what I think the biggest flaw of this game is. And I can sum it up in one work: Focus
      What’s Focus? In the game’s universe, it’s the quest the gods (Fal’cie) brand on you to complete to avoid becoming a mindless monster. It is supposed to drive angst into the characters and compel them to complete their mission. But there is one problem, the chosen of the gods (l’cie) don’t know what their brands mean. They do not truly know what their quests are. They guess as to their purpose, their destiny, to try to avoid a horrible fate. Focus is the narrative tool that is used to push the chars into action.
      In our universe, Focus is the laziest writing tool next to “it’s magic” that I have seen in a while. Focus is never properly explained. All we ever hear about it is propaganda from the gods (Fal’cie) and the only god that speaks to the party is trying to manipulate them into doing the Seymour/Exdeath/Necron crap of: Kill the world to heal it.
      Pay attention to Focus, pay attention to the robes, pay attention to the Transformers. They do not make sense. They are silly. And worse, they are poorly thought out.

      • AceVader0

        First of all, thank you for replying in a polite manner, I was waiting for the worse. And let me address your points one by one.

        “Why bother robing these people who are just going to get killed?”

        Why bother putting people on a train if you’re gonna kill them anyway?? Because they do not know that they’re going to die. Technically, the bad guys tell them that after making contact with the Fal’cie, they have to leave Cocoon because of (insert lie here). So that’s The Purge. The villains tell the “victims” and the public opinion that they’ll go to Great Paals. The main villain appears on TV thanking the “victims” for making such a great effort, and saying that they will be remembered as heroes. The train, the robes, it’s all a theatre. He doesn’t care about having to use a train, valuable soldiers and making robes if he can manipulate the public opinion. The “victims” appear on TV with the robes boarding the train, that’s the point. Otherwise, just shoot everyone in the head, problem solved. And I’m not sure about “cheap” or “expensive” in a world where gods give you everything. Even Lightning says: We’re their pets. But I also totally agree with you on this “The robes were designed to look cool, make the people on the train look generic but stand out against everything else in the game.” I think I know where you’re headed to. Square is now focusing a lot more on visuals than story. They must love Michael Bay’s movies or something. I’m not saying that the robes make total sense, but… I never felt that they were just for decoration.

        “Why didn’t they use them to skip to the roof of the tower in that one place in Gran Pulse?”

        I think you may have a point here. I don’t exactly remember that part of the game, but I think it had something to do with going to a village or something. And getting to the roof of the tower wasn’t the main goal. They just wanted to go through the tower to get to the other side. But I’m not sure about it, so probably I’m completely wrong. And I remember flying beasts circling around the tower, and something about a giant one, but I’m not sure. The point is, that “climbing” the tower by the outside wall would be really dangerous. And I think they don’t summon the beasts unless they really have to, except for that scene that you mention in which they break into Cocoon. But from a practical point of view, you’re totally right, maybe they could have summon Fang’s Bahamut to surround the tower. But in that case they could have done it for everything, and they wouldn’t do that for story telling purposes. It’s something similar to the Eagles in LOTR, they could have used them to get to Mordor, or at least as near as possible. But no, they have to walk through the whole fucking land. Not that it’s excusable, I agree with you, but then again, story telling purposes.

        “But there is one problem, the chosen of the gods (l’cie) don’t know what their brands mean. They do not truly know what their quests are. They guess as to their purpose, their destiny, to try to avoid a horrible fate. Focus is the narrative tool that is used to push the chars into action.”

        I think they kind of know what their quest is. Serah knew that her goal was to reunite “warriors” for the Fal’cie to transform into L’cie, so they could fulfill the main goal. Although the god doesn’t tell her that’s the reason why she has to gather them. And they sort of know that they have to become Ragnarok and destroy Cocoon (even though it’s more complicated than that). The fact that all characters get transformed at the same time while the army is trying to destroy the Fal’cie, makes the transformation not go so well. So they don’t have a clear vision of what their objective is. From there, they begin to flee, since they army is trying to kill them. And as the story goes on, they decide what to do, and for what reasons. Even though (and I hate this), they change the “what to do and for what reasons” every fucking minute. Sometimes they decide to destroy Cocoon, others to protect it, and well, I won’t explain the ending, but it has things from both goals. So if I remember correctly it goes like this:

        1. Beginning – turn into L’cie
        2. Escape and chase
        3. Face difficulties while meeting characters, so – Awakening (summon) powers
        4. Resolve (even though they have a different one every single fucking hour)
        5. Take a hand in the matter

        I found the real problem in the story when thinking about the mix of the Focus and the Resolve. They want to put in so much emotional detail and reasoning, that in the end they don’t look like they really know why they are doing what they are doing. So it still keeps looking like “we’re the heroes, let’s fuck up everything we run into!!”.

        Those were my thoughts.

      • lastsigma

        You make a valid point about the robes being a symptom of the problem, but it doesn’t get to the underlying fact that Spoony is clearly half-assing this. You know how I can tell? You needed to explain it and Noah just started ranting about Darth Vader and himself. How could’ve brought the entire rant about the robes around to the exact same point you just made with two sentences.

        I hate this game too for being the final nail in the coffin for the series, but this review feels like it should probably be Noah’s last. He really doesn’t make coherent points like you just did nor does he manage to make humor from a bad game. There’s just nothing there and he focuses way too much on meaningless tripe without connecting it to anything else. His pointless Dalad Jelly rant, Darth Vader’s toilet, and his completely forgettable review of Game Over are just a slog to sit through.

        He’s lost his wit, or at least his passion for this. Probably due to the fact that he doesn’t play the games or edit his own videos any more. He’s so disconnected from his own videos that the core rage or even interest is dead. Just a product shunted out for money. Feels all too similar to Final Fantasy.

    • whiteflags

      What would disappoint me more is if this turns out to be the earlier, shorter review he gave FFXIII beat for beat. I have a feeling the talking points will be the same as that and he could run out of new stuff to say before he finishes the game.

  • Nagneto Lives


  • Ian Morency

    apart from the really linear parts of the games which is the first 60 hours of the game, i hated the fact that the fights where on auto battle and the only choices you could make is the change of style or something don’t remember what the name was

  • kingofloneliness

    He said he liked ff12… “Sure it played more like an MMO, but who says that’s a bad thing” He’s bashing it right now just because he wants to get on the retarded fanboys’ good side. What happened to this guy…

    • doresh

      He was mentioning like 2 things he didn’t like (one of which – Vaan – was disliked by basically EVERYONE ON THE PLANET). That’s hardly bashing.

      • theshamster

        Apparently, even many of the makers of FF12 didn’t want Vaan in the game.
        The main Characher was supposed to be Bache, and it starts off with him escaping the prison and meeting the sky-pirates and seeking to take down Vayne’s dictatorship.

        • doresh

          But apparently that made too much sense <_<

      • kingofloneliness

        Yeah, he was screaming “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT MMO BULLSHIT” (or whatever he said) when he explicitly stated that he liked that aspect out of character. He also said that he liked FFX’s gameplay and FFX-2 in general. Now apparently they are all inferior to ff8 (a broken game. X, X-2 and XII at least work properly). He’s just trying to please fanboys. He doesen’t need to, I liked him better when he had his own opinions and didn’t give a mad fuck about all the dissing.

        • doresh

          He really shouldn’t have taken back some stuff (like the gay song). But FF8 probably IS better – in comparison.

  • doresh

    You know, there’s something really odd about Square’s fixation with FFXIII. I mean, why exactly does this game need THREE games to tell is grand, epic story? Are their bosses in love with the characters or what Oo ?

    Not to mention that even the Japanese consumers hate FFXIII. You can basically get copies of that game for free (okay, 5 bucks or so) over there, because the supply FAR outnumbers the demand. And only a third or so of all FFXIII-players actually bought XIII-2. I don’t think this will get any better with Lightning Returns.

    (At least someone was clever enough to remove Agito’s ties with XIII…)

    • Godmars

      Have to admit, I laughed at “Grand Epic Story “. Such implies introduction to characters, world and why what’s being done is being done. And FF13 was not that. The player was simply thrown into a situation where limited stereotyped characters had little to no control over their situation. Just like the maps were straight blatant lines so was its poor excuse for a story.

      Why three games? In part because Sqaure wanted the money, wanted product they could turn out on a yearly basis, and you’ll note that these games have come out one year apart, but also because the original production was a mess. If you look at the first, the very first, teaser trailer for the game the combat style was closer to Kingdom Heats, and many of the first interviews talked about making its mechanics based on that game. Then something happened, the original plans and game were dismantled, Wada wanted games out quicker, and the lead dev for FF13 was suddenly talking about having enough material left over for two more titles before the first was even out.

      Don’t fool yourself: Lightning Returns is FF13-3. Why? Because Square knows the project overall is a fan-hated mess so unlike with FF13-2 and like Agito they’ve gone as far away from the 13 brand as possible. But they’ve been planning the game since the first.

      • doresh

        So the first game was basically a stitched together mess / tech demo, and they decided to turn the leftover stuff into additional games? Yay…

        And Lightning Returns still has the FFXIII title. Why they don’t outright call it FFXIII-3, I don’t know. Because the combat system now seems to finally be Kingdom-Hearts-ish?

        • Godmars

          Have you seen the original trailer for FF13 or played Kingdom Hearts?

          To be honest I haven’t been paying any real attention to 13-3 – which is what I will call the game no matter what – so i haven’t seen anything of its combat engine. Obviously don’t know if they’ve shown any footage.

          • doresh

            We all know how the “getting out quicker” went…

            And I don’t think there’s any footage fo r 13-3, but I heard that you only control Lightning, and that the combat menu options have been mapped to button presses.

    • theshamster

      The…..there’s a part 3?
      Oh gods’…NOOOOOO!

    • Stephen Ryan

      This set of characters is far, far better than the last few batches (I loved 9, but their story was very nicely ended). And 13-2 gives us Serah (whose voice I flat out love). I cannot complain that if they wanted to give us an expanded universe out of all the recent games, it is this one.

      • doresh

        If only there was a far, far better game to go along with the cast…

        I wouldn’t necessarily mind such direct sequels in general, but if the first game was already a trainwreck and not even half of its buyers wanted to buy the direct sequel, they should just stop.

  • zanntos

    I feel your pain, FF13 was the first Final Fantasy was the first Final Fantasy I gave up on in the first 5-6 hours of play time, I beat Odin and stopped. Screw those ‘exactly one way to win’ summon fights.

    Even FF12 managed to hold my attention for 30-40 hours before i got bored the grind and lack of main characters and decided to just play something else, but FF13 was agonizing.

  • capthavic

    I’m guessing the reason that the main characters (for the most part) don’t use guns is because apparently they are less accurate than the storm troopers from Star Wars. If both the rebels and army can stand out in the open firing at each other on full auto and nobody gets hit…that is just pathetic.

    • theshamster

      You mean just like “To Boldly Flee” when the Critic and Turl’s/Zod’s Goons were shooting at each other, 5 feet apart, and never hit anyone?

      • capthavic

        Except there it was supposed to be silly and stupid, unlike in FF13 where they expect us to take this seriously. They aren’t the only ones to do it but whenever I see such obviously staged gunfights it really takes me out of the immersion. Suddenly it’s not a grand battle but just kids on a playground making gun noises with their mouths.

  • thegodemperor

    Come now, FFXIII is a better game than FFVIII. The gameplay of FFXIII at least is entertaining (ignoring auto-battle which is OPTIONAL YOU FOOLS). And the story was some what better. Less plot chasms. Don’t claim FFXIII is shittier than FFVIII.

    Btw, you ignored FFXII, The worst of all FF.

    • doresh

      At least you could potentially get lost in FFVIII. Try that with XIII.

      Is FFXII the worst? At least the worst out of all FFs I played. Though I’m kinda glad I dropped the series after this, cause everything I hear and see about XIII sounds way worse.

      • thegodemperor

        getting lost is what determines a good FF for you? Lol.

        FFXIII had at least a better plot and characters (all be it still pretty weak) compared to FFXII and FFVIII. And the gameplay? At least things worked together in the gameplay. Unlike FFVIII where the draw system was tedious and stupid as fuck, using magic was bad because it made you weaker. Junctioning over powered you way too easily.

        IF the only negative you can bring for FFXIII is the linearity of it (which did suck), then I think you really need to admit it’s not nearly as bad as you think and stop listening to the group.

        There’s no better FF than 4, 6, 7, and 9, sure, but FFXIII was not nearly as bad and bland as FFXII or as poorly executed in gameplay and story as FFVIII.

        I do agree FFVIII had better setting/feeling to the game. The setting felt a little more coherent than FFXIII, but it still was pretty bad in terms of the plot holes of FFVIII and the piss poor character development. Hell, who really developed at all through-out FFVIII? Really only Squall, and his character change was abrupt and shit.

        • doresh

          If you CAN get lost, than this means you’re offered freedom and choice.

          Coming up with better characters than FFXII is no miracle. Anyone can do that.

          “Only negative”? Was I supposed to list them all? And what “group” are you referring to Oo ?

          (And I’d say FFV is one of the most fun to play FF games, but maybe that’s just me)

          • thegodemperor

            Well it seemed to be the one and only true negative you could bring up, the linearity (lack of choice) in it. And the FF fanbase group tends to hate on FFXIII with very little logic or reason behind it.

            And I’d say FFIX is the best :P and considering Sakaguchi and Nobou have said the same thing, clearly I am right! hah.

          • doresh

            Well, how about…

            … storytelling that fails on basic levels, largely because the story and setting are evidentially a cobbled-together mess out of ideas Square thought were cool

            … combat that takes far too much control away from you and can be beaten while being half-asleep.

            … an equipment-system that is quite superfluous.

            … a sphere grid that is basically a piece of string rendered in 3D to make it look like you have a choice.

            … supernatural beings ordering humans to do something without actually telling them WHAT they have to do.

            … Hope and Vanille.

            Never played FFIX, but I’ve heard it’s the underdog of the series that everybody seems to ignore.
            But does FFIX have a Job system, a dancing Chocobo, an old fart an a crossdressing pirate? I don’t think so XD

          • thegodemperor

            Storytelling in FFXIII is better than in FFVIII or FFXII. Those have gaping plot chasms or just blatantly unoriginal rip off of star wars.

            Combat takes no control outta your hands unless you CHOOSE to use autobattle. you made the choice to use an option they gave to you, but didn’t force you to use. Your fault. Or do you think FFIV DS version is inferior cause there’s an option to auto battle in that too?

            Sphere grid was FFX and way better then than Crystallarium. Crystallarium was really kinda a linear version of that.Was ok, but not good enough. But wasn’t absolute crap. Let you choose to not level if you wanted to try that kinda challenge.

            Supernatural beings are what they are in that universe. It’s not like there haven’t been that kinda supernatural beings in human myths before.

            Hope is the only truly annoying character who has stupid development. Lightning’s a bit stupid too. Has a change of heart that’s poorly developed. Vanille was just a child in mind and being too naive and ya… she had real development too and real pains to go through.

            And you should play FFIX. Again, when even the creators of the series claim it as their favorite, that should say something :O

          • doresh

            I came into the series with FFX (I was a bit too young during the SNES-era to care much about most RPGs. Don’t even know if they were ever released here in German Oo. But I catched up pretty quickly), so I don’t understand what the huge deal with FFVII is anyways.

            And WAS there a story for FFXII? I honestly can’t remember. Something about far too futuristic-looking airships, rage bunnies and Espers getting seizures Oo

            The Crystallarium is similar to the License Board: The felt they need that they HAD to include something like the Sphere Grid again, but also didn’t want to make a direct copy. They basically reinvented the wheel to make a shittier, but slightly prettier wheel.

            Human myths might have creatures telling mortal to do stuff, but the usually actually tell them WHAT to do. Otherwise the creature is just being a dick.

            And I might check it. But first I should play FFV again to get in the proper FF mood XD

          • thegodemperor

            There was a story for FFXII, it was blatant star wars :P sadly it was
            not even the forefront of the game most of the time. Which is something
            I didn’t like about it.

            It kinda felt more like Monster Hunter: Final Fantasy cause the guild thing took up most of the time.

            I did enjoy running around the world and just killing random crap though, I’ll give it that.

            I agree, they shoulda just stuck with the Sphere Grid. Sphere Grid was
            such an interesting and open way to customize your characters. Sure if
            you max it out everyone is roughly the same, but the amount of time to
            do that was insane.

            And I should play FFV again, it’s been years since I played it :O and I’ve only played it once.

          • doresh

            I’m not even sure if blatantly stealing stuff from Star Wars even counts as your own story Oo

            And have fun with FFV :D

    • Cory Silver

      I had fun with XII.

      • thegodemperor

        That’s nice, doesn’t mean it was good.

        I had fun with it too, but only just running around the world and seeing what there was to see. Other than that, the game sucked.

    • Atmos_Duality

      Choosing between FF8 and FF13 is like choosing between two different kinds of head trauma.

      I’ll be the first to give FF12 flak for its deadpan storyline and characters or the license board crap that sucks all the individuality out of the characters, but at least in that game, you still had some small reason to directly control your character, and the environments were all very well-done.

      They certainly did not feel like a single massive hallway.

  •årten-Sorby/100001785165447 Mårten Sorby

    “Svin” is Swedish for “pig” or “hog”.

    So it’s a Manapig. Silly Square and their Swenglish.

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      In Icelandic it means “(too) dare a pig”
      “Mana” means dare

      “Svín” means pig

  • Pearse Hillock

    Well I would say Spoony is wrong in many ways about this game because it is a good game and a final fantasy game. I talk about what he mentions bad or has problems with in the new blog post.

    • doresh

      Where was he wrong about this not being Final Fantasy Oo ?

      And what kind of freaky blog layout is this oO ?

      • golden izanagi

        I mostly found the comparisons of something like halo and ff13 in that article to be idiotic, considering that halo is an fps and ff13 is an rpg, so here is the thing about making this kind of comparison at least story wise, in fps such as halo because in that game they let you know up front that your a genetically enhanced badass fighting aliens, for an rpg like ff13 in the beginning of that game your just thrown into to the situation of a fighting soldiers transporting prisoners without giving any clear reason to why which is idiotic considering past ff games and other rpgs often took its time to slowly let you get to know about the world and whats going on in it.

        • doresh

          Pretty much: Games like Halo have a rather simple, but easy-to-follow story. Square Enix on the other hand currently LOVES overtly-complex stuff for the sake of complexity, with apparently little thought into making it coherent.

          That’s why XIII has these weird Espers/Fal’Cie/Dead Parrots making contracts with people without telling them what they actually want them to do. It’s a mystery for mystery’s sake.

          • golden izanagi

            of course which is why the beginning of ff13 failed(at least i think) to keep many interested it threw too much at us in such a short amount of time and as I have said past ff games and other non square enix rpg’s always tried there best to steadily move us through the conflict going in them, for instance ff x while that intro threw us into the action to get us use to combat it at least did its best to steadily introduce us to what was going on after tidus was put into another world such as what the monster sin is, the basics of the yevon religion and what summoners do it didn’t slap all this on us like 13 did with that train fight.

          • doresh

            It’s like FF13 expects the player to already know what’s going on Oo

            There’s actual a movie example for something like this: John Woo’s “Red Cliff”, an adaption of the titular battle from the Three Kingdoms period of Ancient China. Pretty much every Asian is familiar with the novel, so they didn’t have to explain the political situation at that time.
            Western audiences on the other hand know pretty much nothing about this period (unless they’d played Dynasty Warriors, but even then they still have HUGE gaps), so they added a quick intro sequence for the Western release, as well as short text popups showing a character’s name and position.

            They did NOT ship the movie in its original state together with the novel’s chapters leading up to the Battle at Red Cliffs (bonus points for not translating several terms and nouns). That’s basically what FF13 was trying to do with its little encyclopedia.

      • Pearse Hillock

        Well the blog does have a comments section, it’s just that you must have a Google plus account. I’ll change that though so anybody can comment, it’s just the new layout design of the blogger. I know the old version looks better though but the new one aint’ all bad.The Halo 1 intro basically outright tells you that Covenant = Evil Aliens.

        “The Halo 1 intro basically outright tells you that Covenant = Evil Aliens.”

        Umm no it doesn’t, your under attack but you don’t know who they are, you don’t know if they are aliens until you see them for yourself. You can barley call the Halo 1 into an intro anyhow, it’s not like it starts off we have been at war for so many years or something like that.

        • doresh

          Why the hell should I need Google plus for blogspot Oo ?

          Halo is a Sci-Fi FPS. Of course the enemies are going to be aliens. It allows for a wide variety of funky enemy types, vehicles and weapons.

          And as you said, you can get the basic idea of the Covenant “until you see them for yourself”. FFXIII on the other hand uses vague terminology that is NOT explained by looking at the stuff in question.

          FFXIII is basically acting like the player should already know what they’re talking about. To use an example from a comment I made further below:

          The Three Kingdoms is a period of ancient china literally EVERY Asian knows about, largely thanks to the historical novel of the same name. When John Woo made the – rather awesome IMO – film adaption of the Battle at Red Cliffs – called “Red Cliff” – the movie didn’t spend any time to establish the setting for people unfamiliar with Three Kingdoms (since such people don’t exist in Asia).
          When the movie was brought over to the West, they added an intro sequence to explain the premise behind Three Kingdoms, as well as text popups introducing the important characters and their position.

          If “Red Cliff” was like FFXIII, They’d have released it WITHOUT the intro sequence, instead shipping with an abridged version of the chapters leading up to the battle.

        • golden izanagi

          as I have said in a comment below the way everything began in 13 was an idiotic way to begin things because they throw so much at you without giving proper explanation to why this is happening like what spoony said what was going through his mind playing this the first time was not far off from what I was thinking such as “um why are people being transported on a train” “why is lightning on said train kicking the shit out of armed guards and causing a riot” “uh what the hell who is some guy with the beanie hat gathering a militia and punching robots” “what the hell is a l’cie” “what’s pulse” “why is sarah turning into a crystal”
          you see this is something that slaps you in the face at the beginning of the game, the developers instead of at a steady pace slowly introduce these things to us like most rpg’s tend to do they opt instead to be lazy and opt instead to go “oh if you want to know about this then refer to this mountain of text we have as a game feature” and if your going to go “well a game like xenosaga had that datalog thing as well to explain stuff people didn’t get” true but that was done in a way that it wasn’t mandatory to go through it to get what was going on, and in that game at the very least though very long cut scenes it tried its best not slap you with so much at one time again unlike in ff13.

    • Cory Silver

      Holy Shit that blog sucked.

  • Al Kusanagi

    There is one major problem with your whole premise. 13 is so bad, especially with the corridor bullshit, that 13-2 is pretty much better than it by every conceivable measure (except that goddamned ending).

  • Karo Gal

    I finished this game… for some idiotic reason. Just hoping to get some of the awesomeness from the old FF games.
    But all those text…. I’m playing a game, not reading it. When I was at the last boss I had no idea why I was killing him, what we would acomplish. That’s a sign the game has failed…

    • Testsubject909

      Why are you bothering to try that?

      It’s sad to say but Final Fantasy thematically speaking feels like it ended on the sixth. The Sixth started off with the rampant growth of technology and the mysticism of magic, rather the disbelief of it’s existence. While you the player did end up using it at every corner, in the world itself, magic was a resource that was disappearing to the point of it being just urban legends within legends itself.

      In the end of that game, magic was gone, completely wiped from existence and in that sense, there was grave finality placed upon the aspect of Fantasy in Final Fantasy.

      Mind you there’s always the few return to form like Crystal Chronicles (the first one), the Tactics games and Final Fantasy 9. But really the feeling of old FF games are the exceptions as opposed to the norm. Seeking these you should look into other series altogether or wait for reviews and gameplay videos to fully determine if the next FF is actually one that will approach that same sense of fantastical adventure.

      • Karo Gal

        I don’t think I’m gonna buy more FF unless I know how they are anymore. I also didn’t bother to buy FF xiii-2. More of this? I don’t think so.

        I guess I’m just holding onto hope that the series will go back to it’s roots, when the games where at it’s peak. FF 9 is a game I truly enjoyed, specially after all the technology after FF vii and viii. Don’t get me wrong, I love vii, but I don’t get why they had to tip the balance completly over to technology.

  • otter.06

    You really should beat FFIX …

    • Rodrigo Ibarra

      With a hammer?

      • thegodemperor

        FFIX is the best FF. Even Sakaguchi and Nobou agree. And they are the staples of FF. If not for them, FF would never be as awesome as it was.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          Even though I do not agree with you about FFIX being the best FF game and did not quite fit my taste, I will say this much:It is the best Final Fantasy game released in the last 15 years.
          And this is coming from a guy that hated the art style.

          • thegodemperor

            It’s the best since even the NES era. Much better pacing, game
            mechanics, no easily exploitable glitch, etc :P the art style would be
            insanely shallow to hate a game for.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            I said i hated the art style not the game, I’m not that shallow.

            But the hell with it, who am i to argue with The God Emperor of Mankind.

          • Stephen Ryan

            I’m not sure how 9 is better than 4 or 6, but its certainly better than a lot of them.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            I said FF9 was the best FF game to come out in the last 15 years if you read the posts above.
            and just imagine FF6 came out 19 years ago.

      • otter.06

        Nah. With one good review for FF series … Why there are only negative ones?

        • Rodrigo Ibarra

          Because square has made games so abysmal that they had to make written apologies.

    • Testsubject909

      So a game that returns to form of a high adventure fantasy game with an open world to fully explore, the same mixture of fantastical child-like marvel paired with the doom and gloom of the traditional theme of genocide that is prominent in just about every Final Fantasy game providing a clear contrast and active/passive threat to the heroes with memorable characters and a fairly well paced, interesting and in it’s own right mature minded story despite it’s more whimsical presentation with an interesting skill leveling system and a rarity in any form of role playing game that is the dual techs where two characters combine their forces should be beat the crap out of?

      Eh. Sure, what the hell, have fun with it. Everything has haters after all.

      • otter.06

        By “beat” I mean “play. ’cause judge game only by artstyle … is wrong.

  • Rodrigo Ibarra

    At the moment this game doesn’t look that bad. Terrible style direction, but nothing as horrible as people say. Again: AT THE MOMENT

    • Jeff Juozapaitis

      XIII isn’t as irredeemable like some people make it out to be. It’s a giant case of good ideas with atrocious execution. They clearly went through a lot of effort to make a really interesting world, and even the story had some cool ideas. But then they went and used all of this potential in the worst way imaginable.

      The gameplay really isn’t that bad either. The problem is just that it takes until the very end of the game, if not post-game, to really show how it CAN be good and engaging (albeit the fact that you can’t adjust the positioning of characters at ALL continues to be an unforgivable problem).

      But XIII-2… Christ. Spoony wasn’t kidding when he said it gets worse.

  • Steven Wells

    oh god it’s jeff from american dad… -_-

  • Sam Meyer

    Hey lookie, Spoony gave the vid a title card, and what’s this?
    He’s got the glowing dangles!
    So how heavy are those things anyways?
    And why do I suspect they give off harmful radiation?

  • lastsigma

    You failed to describe the gameplay, the leveling system, the controls, the plot, the characters, or the music in thirty minutes. Instead spends 5 minutes talking about random shit that somewhat ties into the stupid robes and 5 more on gravity bombs and switches. How is this a review? You’re just finding inane shit and wiping your ass with it. There aren’t even jokes.

    Is this how far you’ve sunk? Do you even remember how to tell a joke? FF13 sucks on every possible level, yet you can’t levy a single description of why it sucks or make the game funny. Pathetic.

    • doresh

      You do realize there are more parts to come?

      • lastsigma

        Yes, I do. But he didn’t cover anything. In even the FFX review he covered the opening, the characters, and even did a quick explanation of why he won’t review FF9. There was actual content. This was just incoherent rambling. He probably should’ve written a script.

        • doresh

          Didn’t he said he wanted us to show FFXIII as he experienced it the first time around? I’d say mission accomplished XD

          • lastsigma

            Then why did he jump around so much? Also, you do realize he doesn’t play these games to get footage anymore, right?

          • doresh

            Doesn’t the game jump around as well?

            And isn’t it a bit late to note that he doesn’t always use own footage?

            (Plus, I said “as he experienced it the first time”, not “using footage from his first playthrough”)

          • lastsigma

            I’m saying I doubt he played the game more than five hours in that statement. And the game doesn’t seem to jump around that much from what I’ve seen, that would involve pacing and some idea of structure. I can’t say for certain since I’ve barely managed through the first hour or so of the game.

            Seems you’re mostly in the business of making excuses for this guy. I used to like his insight into games too, I’m simply admonishing him to put some effort into his work. This feels slapdash and wittering.

          • doresh

            You do realize he already played through the game, right?

          • lastsigma

            So he says.

    • thegodemperor

      Every possible level? I dsagree.

      The only thing bad about the gameplay itself was the linear Crystarium progression (it really made it feel pointless, if it was more like the sphere grid that’d be kinda cool), the linear corridors (which did at least open up more in Chapter 11 at least, but remember, the linearity and lack of town exploration was due to the story trying to make you feel like you’re constantly on the run), and the auto battle. Btw, the AUTO BATTLE WAS OPTIONAL! YOU DID NOT HAVE TO CLICK IT! Jesus christ people…

      Now, the story? It has its faults. Some of the character progression was poor (Lightning and Hope for example have some pretty quick shifts in personality and such with little real good explanation or development), but others did some good stuff. Hell, Sazh has a GREAT character progression and side story. Fang and Vanille were fairly well developed and their story was interesting and even Snow had his moments of growth and depth.

      Don’t give me that it sucked on every possible level. You sound just like the other groupthink sheep who just like to claim it’s bad without any real reasoning.

      It has its faults, no doubt, but it’s not the worst FF at all. FFXII? Now that’s a terrible FF. Story was nothing original, piss poor development of the story, the characters were ALL pointless except for Ashe (she was the ONLY one who mattered the whole time in the story, Basch mattered a bit in the first half and Belthier mattered a bit in the second half with his ties to Cid, but for the most part he was just their means of travel, nothing more, Panelo and Vaan were entirely pointless and annoying to boot and Fran was just fan service) and the gameplay? Oh man, that boring and stupid gameplay. FFXII, worst FF ever.

      • lastsigma

        Okay, first you’re a jackass. A game should take 11 chapters or 20+ hours to start being fun. A game should have elements of enjoyment spaced with about 5 to 20 minutes between them, not a 50 hour corridor with exactly one hour of open gaming. Final Hallways 13 is garbage when it comes to exploration, world building, and combat. Yes the combat sucks because you have almost no control over it and it doesn’t feel rewarding.

        In the opening fights you don’t get experience, you don’t need to do anything but hold the autobattle button down. You can literally walk through the first hour of gameplay pressing only two things on the controller, X and right stick forward. As to your bullshit reasoning that because it’s an option to use Autobattle, there’s a three part reason why you’re a dolt. 1. The game design theory of First Order Optimal Strategy, where an ability in a game that is both easy to pull off and delivers high power will be the first thing you gravitate towards. If Autobattle is all I need to win a fight quickly, and beating the enemies quickly is the goal apparently, then why would I waste time clicking through the options to look for anything more powerful? 2. The fights in the first 4 hours can easily be beaten with this tactic. That’s absolute garbage for a game. I don’t even need to look at the screen or be in the same room for a fight. I could read a book while playing the game. 3. The very same thing you’re defending is one of the reasons I loathed FF12, the gambit system. But in retrospect the gambit system is miles above the Autobattle=Win system in 13. At least there you needed to put some forethought into how your characters would be fighting and somewhat change up the settings. At the very least you had to look at the screen.

        They are both terrible games, but at least 12 felt like I was playing a game. So you’re completely wrong. I don’t care what the story in 13 is personally, because I knew from the first hour I’d never be seeing it completely. Which is why I looked forward to this particular review… until today.

        • thegodemperor

          And you’re an idiot.

          I never said that it shouldn’t have opened up sooner, but it did open up eventually. And whether the linearity was fun or not to you is entirely a personal thing. I didn’t have such a bitter hatred for the linear ways. It wasn’t ideal, but I enjoyed the battle system once the Crystallarium came into play (sadly, that too took too long, like an hour) and ever since then I thought it was fun. The story was “eh” but not bad. Had good parts, had bad parts, but was alright.

          And while it’s generally good game design to draw people in within the first few minutes, that’s catering to the short attention spanned mouth breathers our society perpetuates. I’m quite sick of how society can’t accept building up into a world and story and characters. Like, oh, the complaints of the Hobbit or Fellowship of the Rings. They are setting up the entire story and world for readers/watchers. And yet because it takes awhile to set it up people bitch. It’s a sad state of our society. So no, I don’t think it’s a huge deal if it takes sometime to truly get great. They could improve the pacing, but it wasn’t the worst I’ve seen by a long shot when it comes to the core gameplay

          As for no control over the combat? BULLSHIT. You probably say that cause you just hit auto-battle and did nothing else. But if you actually choose to not use that OPTION (key word, dipshit), then maybe you’d realize how much control you have over the actions and the party make up MID Battle. It has probably one of the better combat systems for a FF if you want to make macro (class types and such) changes to your set up while also accounting for the micro (specific abilities used). The only downside is what Spoony noted in that it’d have been nice if you could tell your characters to move around the battlefield and avoid attacks. But how they would pull that off with a control for a console is not something I can figure out at this time. Do you think YOU could?

          Your only reasonings are all the same btw. You just didn’t like the pace. So that’s fine, your opinion, but it did not have a bad battle system just cause you chose to use autobattle like a retard.

          And if you didn’t care about the story in a FF game… or exploring the story/world through the means provided (Granted, having only an encyclopedia to read through as a means to explore concepts and aspects of the world is stupid, but that was something in part cause of them having to develop for 360 at the last damn second, they cut a lot outta the game cause of the management pushing them to develop for 360), well then you’re doing FF wrong.

          So ya, in conclusion, you’re an idiot.

          • lastsigma

            I could argue with you, but you’re not going to listen. It’s like playing chess with a pigeon.

  • Patryk Halaczkiewicz

    I thought some of the jumps in the hallway though used the techno bubble stop effect when you landed, granted it wasn’t really important. Also I thought Lightning wasn’t phased about the military tech because she was part of the overall structure with the Guardians (at least I think it was them). The robes I also thought were essentially prison uniforms to make them stand out from the population, although I do love Spoony’s attempt to avoid the game by focusing on the robes is entertaining to a degree.

    • Testsubject909

      Which again begs the question.

      If it’s to identify them as prisoners and they happen to have regular clothes underneath.

      Why not immediately remove those robes that will tag them from all long range agent and increase exponentially their chances of being spotted, captured or event executed on the spot?

  • Jesse Garza

    Whoa! This was incredible and all the funny parts where really funny! All that stuff goes through your head like that because you where born to do this kind of stuff man! Also this game is terrible so thanks for tearing it a new one man!

  • igotbanned999

    Gay Gay Sissy Gay was one of your most amazing bits ever! Don’t apologize for it!


    “Whats a Manosvin?”

    Something lame I bet. Something that warrior chick anime jerkoff material fights with a sword.

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      “Manna svín” mean “Man Pig” in Icelandic

      • TCBLB

        Dare a Pig? Wow, Square just goes out and finds things that sound cool and foreign and assigns them to monsters in video games.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          I don’t think they had that in mind but that’s what it means in my first language. And first time i saw that thing i could not stop laughing.

  • theshamster

    Snow : Heroes don’t need plans.
    Lightning : Hero? who, you? Ok then mr “hero” what shall we do then?
    Snow : “Uh……..uh…..rush in and attack things?”
    Lightning : “And get ourselves, and innocents killed? ok, what about the rebels? How can we help them?”
    Snow : “Uh……attack things and hope we find an answer or something? We, we don’t need plans…we just do things”
    Lightning : “You mean like the Joker from Batman : the Dark Knight?”
    Snow : “Yeah! That’s it, we just do things, with no actual plans or logic!”
    Lightning : “Right, you’re an idiot. Screw this, I’m going home!”

    • doresh

      Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb! That’s how Team l’Cie rolls!

      (How I wish this game would be like that…)

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      I rather Lightning just slit Snow’s throat.

  • Sam Park

    Review to End All Spoony Review

  • Mavros St. John

    wait…you do that thing with the random rant thing too? I thought It was just me…

  • Floris Overvelde

    Your surname is Public?

  • Aiddon

    also, the default outfit Lightning has in the newest looks like this:

    For the love of god, somebody bring in an art director who has RESPECT for their vocation. This is getting out of hand

    • doresh

      This is what happens when Tetsuya Nomura forgets to take his pills.

  • Garrett Ricksecker

    FFXII sucked hard Spoony. No argument. This is actually when I stopped
    playing. Was hoping you would tear that crap apart in a funny vid. But
    it makes me happy knowing that I’m not the only one with common sense. I
    could argue ALL day how that game sucked. It’s also the only Final
    Fantasy game that I stopped playing in the middle of. I at least
    finished the others. I felt like half the time, I wasn’t even playing. And I shouldn’t have to spend points to LEARN TO WEAR A F#^$@ HAT!!!

  • Cake

    I enjoyed FF XIII a lot, but I can understand people’s frustrations with it. I’d still rate it a tie with IX as my fourth favorite FF after VII, Tactics, and V in that order. It is tied as my favorite battle system along with Tactics. The story wasn’t that hard to grasp for me, and Sazh is my third favorite character out of all the FF’s after Rufus Shinra and Agrias. Anyway, that’s my two cents on it. I respect your feelings on it.

  • Cake

    Double post, my apologies.

  • Chris Behellmorph Beckett

    This is actually the first FF game that I played before your review of said game, and jesus I got so annoyed. The endless corridors with the lout foot stomping got on my nerves and the bosses…would not end.

    • Testsubject909

      The first boss fight alone is enough to show that they’re not tackling the connection between gaming event and story well.

      I mean, FF6’s first boss is a story scripted event and it makes sense, your first actual boss fight equally makes sense since you’re stuck in a corner.

      That said, FF7’s first boss fight which is extremely similar (a mechanical crab-like thing that looks relatively similar to FF13’s… Not to mention the other things that looks relatively similar in FF7) made more sense, despite being a huge destructive mech, it was in an enclosed hallway, as in a literal hallway. In FF13’s case there were alternatives, the main one being using the rocket launcher they had, the other being fleeing with the grav com, another one being disconnecting the trains or fleeing outside of it’s claw’s grasp. Really the fight felt like it should’ve been a fleeing cutscene rather then the tutorial boss fight.

      Every other FF’s first boss fights make more sense then this one. When a game starts off on the wrong foot and then requires you a minimum of 8 to 20 hours so that it, according to it’s fans, gets good. It begs the question: Is it worth it?

      As a gamer, not really. There are tons and I mean tons of greater games out there that starts off fun right off the bat. As a critic or gaming historian or theorist, yes for the sole experience and example of what not to do despite certain interesting ideas within the game itself…

      FF13 was your first FF? Man… That’s… sad.

      • doresh

        At least it can only go up for him that way :D

        • Atmos_Duality

          Unless he plays Dirge of Cerberus next.

          • doresh

            At least that game has some kind of entertainment value because of the hilariously bad character designs.

          • Atmos_Duality

            True…I can see how it’s more entertaining (for all the wrong reasons), so this comes down to whether you find something worse for being offensively-bad, or boring-bad.

            Personally, I’m more offended by Dirge of Cerberus because it’s not only horribly boring to play and very badly, lazily built, but it’s pandering. Not just your everyday kind of pandering, but “Some Squeenix executive greenlit a FF7 fanfic as a full-production game” pandering.

            Hilarious if you’re just an observer. Insulting if you were a fan of the original.
            Depressing when you used to respect the company that made it.

            In terms of execution, it’s a textbook example of everything you shouldn’t do in a sequel short of gamebreaking programming errors.

          • doresh

            Considering they were blatantly trying to milk the FFVII-hype for all its worth, what else was to be expected but a cheap cash-in in a genre Square had little to no experience in?

            But thank God the FFVII-fanboys (and the other people who didn’t actually play FFVII, but always heard it was the bestest thing EVAR) weren’t as easy to fool as they thought, or they would’ve made MORE spin-offs.
            Considering their first attempt at pulling out new antagonists out of their ass (I’m not counting the Advent Children trio since they’re quite literally clones) resulted in the “My name consists of two different names for the same color!”-gang lead by a Yami Marik cosplayer, I’d hate to see their ideas for a Barrett spin-off.

  • Testsubject909

    You know what I hate most about FF13 as a whole, or what I prefer to call Fabula Nova Crystalis (Because honestly, the first trailer they had for FF13 had FABULA NOVA CRYSTALIS in huge bold lettering and ff13 in tiny font underneath it, as if an afterthought. As if a new franchise had the Final Fantasy brand name slapped on it to bump up sales).

    It’s the fact that every one of FF13’s sequels pulls away the director of Final Fantasy VS 13. You know, the actual Final Fantasy I hear hype about from the fanbase… So FFVS13 gets pushed back so that FF13-2 can be dished out and yet again for FF13-3.

    And I wish I was kidding about FF13-3…

    • Cake

      It doesn’t pull away the Versus team. Versus has its own separate team working on it. Versus’ director is Nomura, and Versus is the only project he’s working on at the moment. The XIII games haven’t effected Versus’ development. Do some research instead of spreading false information.

      • Testsubject909

        Wow. Way to Not Read Right… Let me applaud you.

        What part of Pulls away the DIRECTOR means that it pulls away the WHOLE TEAM?

        Pulling away the director is more then enough to cause some stuttering, hiccups and slow down in the game’s general production. Plus despite being a separate team they are still within the whole of Square Enix, meaning that when the company chooses to shift focus from one project to another, a project loses priority which means that any support is put on hold to give priority to the currently focused project which in this case would be FF13-3. This might not sound like much but that can cause more slowdowns or even financial reconsideration. Also if a project lingers for too long, it risks having to go through a complete overhaul, similar to how FF13 had to go through a complete overhaul, scrapping a large part of 2 years worth of work trying to make it into a PS2 game and restarting for another 3 years of development to turn it into a PS3 game. All while having internal design disputes.

        So yeah. Bravo buddy, you sure know how things work.

        • Cake

          You’re the one not reading correctly. I just told you that Nomura is the director of Versus and he has nothing to do with XIII, XIII-2, or Lightning Returns. Those three are Toriyama’s games. Nomura has his own team. His team doesn’t work on XIII, XIII-2, or Lightning Returns either.

          • Testsubject909

            And I just told you that you’re uninformed.


            And that’s just one article that I can quickly search up for you. Read carefully, and I quote:
            “Nomura said his work on Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII has been completed.”

            This isn’t an implication, this is a direct statement that Nomura has been working on FFXIII-3. And it’s not the only one. There have been active complaints within the fanbase about how Nomura has been pulled to work for FF13-3, people groaning and despairing at the thought that FFVSXIII will never be done with because of the fact that Nomura is actually being dragged out of the FFVSXIII team in spurts to work on other high priority projects by Square Enix.

            Just because someone else is a lead for a project doesn’t mean that it prevents them from pulling away someone else from a different team. Why? Because of how Square Enix is structured and how they work on their priority projects which, again as I’ve stated, sacrifices the resources and resources in this case also includes manpower, so to complete their main project.

            So yeah… I’m sorry, what was your goal again with what you were saying?

          • Cake

            Do you even know what he works on in Lightning Returns? He does the initial
            character designs. That’s all. Listen here, I’ve paid an incredible
            amount of attention to all the FNC series news since FNC was
            announced in 2006. The only thing Nomura does is the initial character
            designs. He has nothing else at all to do with the games. There was once
            a falsely translated report about the Versus team getting pulled to do work on XIII,
            but that’s all it was, a bad translation.

            Give me an honest
            answer. Do you honestly think it is that time consuming to do initial
            character designs? Do you think it’s a hindrance to anything at all he
            does with Versus? I highly doubt it. His team is still working on the game either way. So, until you provide some
            information about the Versus team getting pulled that isn’t false, I’ll
            have to call you on your bull about it being that much of a hindrance to
            the Versus development.

            By the way, do you even know how SE is structured? You talk about it, but you don’t seem to know. They have seven separate teams all working on different projects. One handles the XIII games which is Toriyama’s team. One handles Versus, the VII Compilation, and KH which is Nomura’s team. I believe Itou’s team handled Type-0, the Ivalice games, and that sort. That’s just three of the teams. Go do some research.

          • Testsubject909

            Any time pulled away from development is a hindrance, character design can come to troublesome impasses pending artistic differences and additional time can be taken in if multiple character design is required for alternate costumes. Even if it’s just a single day of work that is still one day of work less placed into Final Fantasy VS 13 and the negative impact it has unto the fanbase’s struggling patience is still apparent no matter how you decide to rationalize it.

            Also character design pending how much attention is given to it can go anywhere from a day’s worth of work to two weeks or a month with scrapped designs being updated to better mesh the characters together visually, thematically or to the world itself as well. As for what they mean by Initial Character Design, that term itself can be vague as not every game company works in the same manner, as such Initial Character Design could mean anything from just the barebone skeletal ideas of how a character should appear to the character’s main costume considering the existence of alternate costumes.

            A day of work away from your main project is a hindrance no matter how you look at it. Even if it’s just a day’s worth, it’s still a day not working on it. Plus if they’re willing to pull him away from his main project to work on their priorities, what says they don’t do it more often then you’d think?

            There are legal terms of non-disclosures and as such we only get little trinkling information as to the internal processes of Square Enix or of any gaming company.

            So yeah, I’m sticking to my guns and instead say that you’re trying to dismiss it, and you’ll most likely try to dismiss it by just stating that it’s a minimal nigh negligible impass to the FFVSXIII team. To which I’d like to note, any bump in the road is still a bump in the road and can have adverse effects in the long run. Can, not will, but nonetheless it will still have it’s effect in one way or another.

          • Cake

            You don’t really have a clue what you’re talking about. He draws them. He has nothing to do with their personality or anything of that sort. His job for Lightning Returns was designing the main characters, which is basically what Amano did for the older games. That’s it. His team can still work while he’s drawing the designs. Drawing the designs doesn’t mean his team is sitting around twiddling their thumbs.

            Versus has been in development since 2006. Do you think they have no sense of what needs to be done? Do you think they have no itinerary for what they can be working on? You obviously didn’t think your side of the argument out. I’ll let you continue on with your delusions. Carry on.

          • Testsubject909

            You apparently didn’t fully think about your own either. The main problem here is that neither of us are quite open to the other’s argument and are just shutting it down, or at least that’s what I’d say but I am giving some credit to what you’re saying by altering my argument to better fit but still get the point across.

            He’s the director, as in he directs. If you lose the leader for a day’s worth of work, even for just one, that means that any decisions that might need to be done will get passed out on, yes they can work on some other minor subjects or continue along certain paths but troubles and certain design points that need to be discussed can still occur. Also any game that has lasted in development for more then 3 years shows some troubles. Square Enix is also not very well known for internal stability in their projects lately, again see the design troubles and disputes within FF13 which I’m sure you should know since you stated yourself that you’ve kept a close eye on FNC.

            Now, I know that he’s only designing Lightning and Snow, hell the article I gave you detailed that specifically. Do you even understand how character design works? Have you read articles on it in general and taken some time to study character design or artbooks showing character designs? It’s not something as blind as going “I’ma go draw something and tada it’s done”. There are variables to take into consideration. The general aesthetical aspect of the game and from the main character you place the standard for all other characters to go for, meaning that the characters need to mesh together appropriately or else you cause some jarring disjointed effect in terms of the visual. Two characters means that you already have to make these two characters work visually in tangent, and from there you need to ensure that it works well in the game world. If you skip over those minute detail then you’re rushing and not doing a good job.

            If you’re not doing a good job with the visuals and the design, then you’re half assing your work and you’re basically getting yourself in long term troubles with this which may or may not necessitate a redesign in which case Nomura could end up being called out again.

            Also, between the two of us. I’ve actually been explaining my point. You’ve been doing little more then just dismissing, ignoring half of what I’ve been writing and also you’ve not been putting much thought on the creative process.

            Additionally. I’d like to note. I’m civil enough to let you discuss your point and argue to see if you’d be able to actually shut down my reasoning, but it hasn’t worked to date because I can still refute you. And I have been civil enough to not thumb you down just because I disagree with your point. I think you’re incorrect but I’m not going to be douche enough to thumb you down for it, not unless you were acting like a complete idiotic asshole. You obviously have some thought but from my point of view, you’re dismissing too many variables and making light of certain elements of design to the point of oversimplification.

          • Cake

            You disrespect me by calling me an idiotic asshole, dismiss the points I’ve been making and say I’m not making any points, and are acting extremely close minded. Of course I’m going to thumbs you down. You’re not making much sense. I’ve been explaining my points, you choose to ignore them. They’ve been working on the game since 2006. Why would his team not know what to work on? They’ve been working on the game for 6 years. If they have no idea what else needs work, then they shouldn’t be making games.

            If they didn’t have anything new to work on, then there’s still the issue of fine tuning and bug fixing. There are always things that can be tweaked, or adjusted, that doesn’t require a director standing over them and telling them what to do. Nomura is one man, doing very menial tasks for a game when not working on Versus. That has nothing to do with his team. One man doing menial tasks could not stall the development any significant amount of time.

            It sounds to me like you think they are the most incompetent team of gaming developers in the whole world. You’re just sounding foolish, and this will be my last time to address you.

          • Testsubject909

            You’ve not been reading what I’ve been saying because I have refuted those details, or did you just skim over everything?

            Just because a team has been working on something for 6 years does not mean that they definitely know what to do, most project in development that goes beyond 3 years tend to show that there are internal problems or redesigns and overhaul, hell with 3 years time passed the odds are high that they’ve gone through one or two engine changes and with the advancement of technology, software and gameplay element introduced by other games in their competition, it basically means that they’ll most likely have to go back to the drawing board at least once or twice more for one huge overhaul and various other times for the variety of details from the story elements, characters, music complementation to the design themes and setting and a variety of other details that you’ve been completely dismissing away.

            And also, bug testing and the likes would hint that they’ve been out of Alpha or Beta and into the final stages of the game. With Nomura actively avoiding more details on the game, the odds are higher that they’ve run into trouble and have had to redesign certain elements if not a variety of them or perhaps ran into a wall similar to how Hideo Kojima Productions ended up in a bind when it came to Metal Gear Rising if you ever looked at their behind the scene development videos detailing some of the grave troubles they had design wise during their multi year development.

            You’re under the allusion that everything is going smoothly, the reality is that due to certain recent failures in Square Enix and financial troubles and whatnot, they’ve had restructures in terms of their plans and as with any such troubles it trinkles down into all their projects, the fact that they’re pulling Nomura away from his main project which he really should be giving his full focus on to work on small menial tasks as you describe it, of character design which I’ve detailed in how it can indeed be more complicated then the simple idea you’re providing of it, is a bad sign. It shows that VS 13 is so low in their priority and the lack of news is nothing short of worrysome, with every month with less information, there’s more and more chances it’ll just become vaporware or the like and just be lost in infinite hiatus if not cancellation due to just how much resources it’s draining for it’s extended development.

            Even a competent team can run into trouble. Actually most competent team runs into trouble, the thing is that they usually overcome it. What I’m saying is that he removal of a key player, even for a short duration of time, is never an optimal working situation for a game that has been in development for an extremely worrysome amount of time that in no way shows any sort of competency considering that the average development time for a triple A game tends to average within the 2 or 3 years and most games lasting beyond that tends to end up being flawed or riddled with a history of internal trouble. See Duke Nuke Forever, Final Fantasy 13, L.A. Noire.

            Yes, I started off by being offensive to you. You know why? Because your initial replies really felt like you didn’t know anything about what you were talking about. Your later posts though? Far better formulation and arguments but you still try to sidestep the issue to make yourself think that everything is fine and dandy when it obviously isn’t considering the whole situation concerning Square Enix and the very nature of game design and game development.

            I don’t thumb you down not because of hurting feelings but because of how it affects most people reading comments. I prefer if people read and make a decision based on the arguments being made, even when a debate gets to the point where I think my opposition is a complete idiot I still don’t if I feel that even if I find it completely wrong, there is still some worth in reading it. Why? Because a negative score invites people to dismiss a post and I rather that information is gathered rather then ignored.

            And what you’re doing is also actively ignoring what I’m saying. You’re not taking in the possibilities of negative events in, you’re just focusing on it being perfect and running smoothly when again recent events shows otherwise for Square Enix as a whole. Silence does not mean that things goes well, I’m repeating here but with extended development time and complete silence on progress, these are NOT good signs. These are like when people say “No comment” in inteviews. It’s them avoiding showing trouble.

            I hope you at least read this and reconsider what you’ve been saying and thinking because. My goodness boy. You’re not giving it thought. You’re just trying to shut me down because I’m actively showing you a possibility here that isn’t pleasant to you.

          • Cake

            I said I wasn’t going to respond again, but you lured me into it. I un-unliked your comments since it means so much to you. Listen, you’re being a hypocrite. You ignore what I say, but you claim I ignore what you say. Address my points that I make if you want to have a real discussion.

            You’re going off on a different tangent it seems. First off, there is no extended development time. There was no set date for when the product was supposed to be released. With the sheer magnitude of what they say they’re trying to accomplish with Versus, it definitely seems like a project which deserves an extended development time. Not necessarily because of problems, but because it honestly seems like this might be the first game to push the PS 3 to its limits both graphically and through the size of the game.

            What I’m saying is that aside from Nomura doing character designs for the XIII series, there have been absolutely no reports of the Versus team being assigned to other projects. There was one report in 2008 I believe, but that was proven to be a translation error by Famitsu which Nomura, or Wada addressed themselves to be false.

            I apologize if you feel disrespected by me, and I realize I might have missed a few points you make. Anyways, you think what you will, and I’ll continue to think what I will. We’re both just guessing here. Neither of us have confirmation, so there’s no need to act like you’re right, and there’s no reason for me to believe I’m right. I’m just presenting my point of view and the facts I have on the subject.

  • Contact

    Hey Spoony, I liked this first part of your review but I feel you should stress some of the worst aspects of this game, similar to how in your review of Ultima IX you constantly used “What’s a Paladin?” and “I’m not entirely sure.” to constantly reiterate the nonsensical parts of that game.

    For reference, my list of the worst elements of this game:

    1. Being thrown into a hectic world with its own terminology and nobody ever explaining anything in a coherent way. I was just as confused at the end of the game as I was in the beginning.

    2. I would mention how the game is just moving from one flashy cutscene to the next with long boring stretches of grinding in “The Hallway” in between. All of the cutscenes are just there to distract the kids with short attention spans, overly flashy fireworks displays to make up for the nothing that is the game’s “plot”. It’s almost like the developers are patronizing the audience: “So are you all thoroughly bored from watching the characters fight with minimal involvement from you? Here’s a random parade in your face!”

    3. PLEASE mention how Lightning is made out to be this hardened soldier, a tough-as-nails amazon woman and yet her legs are thinner than a little boy’s. Also, despite her chicken legs, she can jump very high in the air.

    4. Wanna’ hear the most annoying sound in the world? It’s not Tidus’ laughing- it’s anything that comes out of Vanilla’s mouth. She doesn’t act like a ditz- she acts like she was born yesterday, suffered serious brain damage, and is insane on top of that.

    5. The characters all have the same discussion throughout the game about what their goal is and whether they should save Cocoon or destroy Cocoon… why would you give someone a mission and never tell them what that mission actually is? I don’t think this is ever addressed.

    6. All of the characters in this game make completely bone-headed choices, like Snow choosing to stay behind and dig out his frozen fiancé with his bare hands and Hope blaming Snow for his mother’s death for… some reason.

    7. Why does everyone and everything in this game have stupid names? Lightning, Hope, Snow, Fang, Cocoon, Pulse, Fal’Cie, L’Cie. Why do some things have a fantasy name and others a regular English name?

    8. There are many times in the game where characters stand around talking but everything they say is meaningless, just general proverbs and quotations instead of real face-to-face interaction.

    9. The actual battles are way too flashy and you can barely tell what’s going on with the huge explosions and particle effects constantly going off. All the battles are composed of bright explosions and numbers flying around.

    That’s just a few things I was able to think of. I’m eagerly awaiting Part 2!

    • Testsubject909

      Two interesting tidbit of information that can explain why this game feels so… malfunctional at times.

      1. The team had internal design disputes across it’s development, the original FF13 for PS2 was scrapped after two years of work and then pushed down into the PS3 then afterwards they added in extra work to multiplatform it further spreading themselves thin with an obvious inferior 360 port showing how rushed their production were in a last ditch attempt to maximize sales across as many consoles as they could.

      2. One of the writers for FF13 explained in an interview their work processes. They don’t write a whole story. They only write segments. The story is written in segments, separate segments and events, typically character focused as opposed to story focused. This disjointed form of writing is evident in the final product.

      • doresh

        And they thought 2. was a good idea Oo ?

        • Stephen Ryan

          13-2 is better than 13, as it actually fleshes the combat system out, and has a couple interesting things in it,

          • doresh

            That’s because that was an actual game, not a tech demo / cutscene theater.

  • Rolando Borghini

    Snow is the worst person i’ve ever seen in a videogame, he has a hero complex, a God complex, he never thinks before he acts and he alwais sais “and what was i suposed to do?”… but he’s a rebel, and that makes him instantly cool, good, interesting and a hero, right?

    Let’s see what he has done, first he kissed Vainilla, then he prouposed hes love to the other girl, then he told her sister (a militar) that she was a lucile, when the militars came he made a group of people to defend the country, called “no order, rules or authoriuty” (they all died), and the reason why all the party became a lucile was because he was too stupid to escape… Spoony, i’m talking to you from my heart, i beg you… destroy this monster… children are takeing this morron as an example… you must destroy it for the good of mankind…

    • Cake

      Wait, when did Snow kiss Vanille? I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.

  • angela

    Sadly, my problem with snow is completely on the superficial side; he looks too much like a hobo for me to take seriously. But oh, just wait until we get to his summon, ho boy….
    He reminds me of a character from one of my favorite anime’s, Rurouni Kenshin. There’s a dude in there, Sanoske, who works mostly with his fists too. Granted he’s usually walking about in all kinds of bandages, but hey…

    • Cake

      Sanoske was bad ass bro. Snow doesn’t really remind me of a hobo. He seems more like a surfer stoner to me.

    • doresh

      GIIL! You got GIIL!? Come on! Help a guy out, will ya?!

  • dragonfly82

    I stil remember that someone compared FFXIII’s Opening scenes to that of FFVII with the whole
    getting out of a train and starting a raid……but where VII gave us a ton of exposition in XIII you don’t know what the heck is going on or what you’re objective is.

    and speaking of annoying characters I don’t know who I hate more Vanille or Hope,
    (Even though I liked Vanille’s character design she is nowhere as likeable as Yuffie, Selphie or Rikku)

  • Spikerosered

    Hehe I enjoyed what I assume is a Red Letter Media homage with your discussion of the robes.

    I never really understood why there is so much hate for this game. I get the hallway thing and the lack of control over the battles, but I actually though the storyline and characters were pretty original. Well…the characters were mostly stereotypes, but Lightning was a great character and you get to watch her grow. Snow is fun to watch try to be an anime hero in a world which isn’t always receptive to his ideals.

    You haven’t gotten to it yet, but I really liked how Lightning and Hope hung out for awhile and she single handily changed Hope’s outlook on life and Snow without a confrontation occurring. He grew as a character without a big dramatic soap opera moment. I also enjoyed that he dodged the “angsty kid” trope and actually looked up to Lightning and wanted to become a better character.

    The story had a lot of problems, but it was character moments like this that I thought really made it a cut above the standard JRPG storytelling.

  • Nathan Stiles

    Absolutely amazing. The rant about the robes had me dying.

  • Stephen Ryan

    Call me crazy, but I liked FF13 once the whole “Corridor of forever” thing was an accepted fact (Though if the whole game was even as pseudo-open as Pulse, it would have been better). I still miss the Old FF (and Tactics) Job systems. Crystarium is just silly. Then again, I loved FF12 and spent more time playing Blitzball than story in FF10, so I may just be masochistic.

    Though, if Linear Paths bug you, more or less every Final Fantasy game is effectively a hallway until set storyline points (and then goes back to a linear path until another one, at times). They are just less obvious about it [You have access to a Flying thing that cant go over mountains. Oh no, you can go to all of 1 new place. Total freedom, right?] FF13 just makes it completely obvious. I HATED hallway of walking forever, until I realized I could do everything I wanted to except sandbox the architecture.

    • doresh

      Hiding linearity in a game is kinda like using practical effects in a movie: You have to use a lot of smoke and mirrors to make it work, but it’s totally worth it since it looks so real (aka non-linear).
      A straight hallway on the other hand is crappy CGI out of an Asylum movie.

      And I’ll never get why they abandoned the whole Job System in the main series after FFV. That shit was AWESOME Oo !

      • Andrew DeCaire

        “Final Fantasy X-2″ that has the job system, and is part of the main series.

        • doresh

          It’s not part of the main series. It’s the sequel to a game from the main series, making it a spin-off.

          Plus, games in the main series have NEVER anything to do with each other. X and X-2 have.

          (Then again, X-2’s job system was the only thing that made me finish it. Too bad job ability mixing is so limited, though XD)

          • Andrew DeCaire

            I personally loved the job system in that and how fast paced the battles were. Everything else was pretty crappy. But I don’t always play for the story ;)

          • doresh

            Sometimes, you just need a cheesy story about an evil tree lich XD

    • Andrew DeCaire

      You have a point, basically every game that isn’t a sandbox is “Linear” I mean most previous FF games have sidequests but in reality in those games despite you have an open world. You still can still only go to the next place you’re supposed to go or else the game won’t continue. Those plots are in linear lines. Meaning you could interpret them as “Endless hallways”

    • lastsigma

      You can make the argument that all games are linear by the same logic. Only sandbox or playground games with no clear goal have pure exploration, and even those tend to be constrained by other design choices. But Final Fantasy is a linear series that somehow still makes the player feel like they are exploring, or at least following the story to it’s conclusion. FFX and FFXIII ditched this concept to different degrees and 13 is the most extreme example.

      You don’t feel like you’re following the story, you feel railroaded to the next waypoint. A player should feel like their actions matter, they should feel involved in the progression of events. 13 does not provide this illusion in any way. You can only feel stuck in your location and following a set path with no freedom.

      FFIV is my personal favorite and is a completely linear game where the characters come and go according to the story’s whims, you cannot change your classes, and all the levels are predetermined for what you gain and learn at each level. Yet, the fact that I can wander towns, search for secrets, find optional dungeons, and get rewards for doing so at each stage of the game it allows the illusion of choice. The airship is only the freedom to pick your region for monster battles.

      I didn’t get that from the slough of thirteen. It had no joy and the setting seemed eager to push me off the edge into the next zone.

  • Andrew DeCaire
    • Andrew DeCaire

      Instead of using the link I’ll just tell you. I asked “Who is the Best Final Fantasy Villain”
      It answered “Lightning is the main character of Final Fantasy 13″ so basically. She’s the best villain :D

  • David Spiegel

    Isn’t that Yuj guy Jeff from American Dad?

  • Quentin

    I still stand by my opinion that XIII-2 is decent.

  • golden izanagi

    I would like to say that I honestly don’t I hate 13-2 as much as many probably do, truth be told playing through both the demo and a maybe the first parts of the game I really think that 13-2 is somewhat of an improvement (and I stress this is my own opinion based on playing the trough both the demo and some of its first act) however the way the sequel is put up really just bugs me, for instance the game means to tell us the ending in 13 where lighting is approving of snow and sara getting married and all that other happy note crap with her was just an alternate timeline, that I find stupid playing the demo I thought she ended up in that world dressed as a Valkyrie while in the midst of searching for a way of freeing vanille and fang from there crystal stasis which would’ve made a bit more plausible and not this alternate timeline ass pull to warrant a sequel.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      The part with Lightning saying “Go ahead and fuck my sister while everyone is devastated with the fal’Cie are gone. ^_^” REALLY pissed me off. I know she didn’t exactly say that but that’s how I see it. Light should’ve just killed Snow and Serah in a gorey fashion.

  • Tyler Baker

    Its true that your never really doing anything by yourself and the computer does some of the work anyways yes i agree with that. With the gambits you really didnt have to change it except for boss battles. I could run through the normal areas with one of the chicks having protect shell and cure on them. While everyone else just beat the shit out of everything. Even with bosses you just set your gambits and watch the battle happen and hope you win. Atleast in 10 they had the turn meter in the top right. And the turn based gameplay just fits better with an RPG and the type of leveling system it has and the way final fantasy has always been was turn based. I get they wanted to try something new but in the end its really just an easier way to play the game. Atleast in 10 the bosses provided a challenge requiring you to cast spells in a certain order do a certain attack at a certain time. For example fighting seymour on top of mount gagazet. He has 2 phases. The second phase being the tougher of the two. All you have to is get protect and shell on them and then when he casts annihilation just defend heal and attack until he starts charging up again. With the gambits your characters will always cast the spells on each other so you dont have to remember. Which is stupid. If you forget you put a spell on or heal them then you fucking forgot your fault you lose end of story. That gambit thing is just such bs because all it did was dumb down the gameplay. Sure its my opinion if i like it or not but the proof is right there. You just have to select a basic rotation and let the AI handle everything else and you just run through the areas and do nothing because you have gambits on and the characters are casting by themselves. Atleast with turn based you had to think for a min before making your move making sure that your character are buffed how they need to be get them healed up and revive them when they die. If you have a system doing all that for you then whats the point in even playing the game. You might as well just put your feet up and enjoy it like it was a movie. Sure even in 10 the trash mobs were pretty weak. But atleast they had different elements and monster types so you had to switch out characters and use a different method to get rid of them. Flyers you had wakka and lulu for. And kimarhi if you are lucky. The fast one you normally use tidus. Ones with heavy armor auron can take down no problem. Rikku could steal from chests and other enemies. You just had a lot more variety and strategy options to mess around with when you have a normal Turn based RPG battle system. With the gambit system the character just kind of huddle around the monster and attack weather its a flyer a jelly or whatever. you can just have them auto attack it with no problem what so ever. Its just insulting to me as a gamer. And liking this kind of thing really throws into question weather you are a gamer or not also. Allowing this kind of laziness to be allowed in a game. I dont even think i died my first play through of ff12 because a 10 year old could work the gambit system. Sure you have to set your gambits and sometimes a boss requires you to use certain gambits. But if you know that then all you do is set the gambit and no problem. The characters do all the work for you. Atleast with turn based you actually had to remember to cast the spell and heal and revive. But with this any idiot could just set a gambit and eat a bag of popcorn watching the fights go. Sure i dont have to use the gambit system and i could just play the game without it. Which is what i did. Im just stating that using the gambit system is lazy and stupid. And it completely takes away the strategy and rpg style of the final fantasy game. When i did use the gambit system i was just bored sitting there watching them do everything for me,

  • Tyler Baker

    Just as an unrelated side note. FF14 was god awefull. One of the worst MMOs ive ever played.

  • Adnan Berisha Check this out!

    This really shows how shitty management Square Enix has.

  • FigmentImage

    So far, loving the review Spoony. I’m one of the few people who actually like this game (I know, I know, blasphemy for any FF fan OR gamer at large), although I never actually got around to beating it, but there’s plenty here to tear into. Lots of good laughs, can’t wait for more!

    Oh, and I absolutely lost it at “That’s… pretty much what it’s like being me”. I feel your pain, Spoony. Can’t tell you how many times I get told “Stop over-analyzing everything”. Tell me how to turn this thing off, and I’d be glad to!

  • Bob Daniels

    I actually liked ff13 partially.
    They tried some interesting stuff in there but unfortunately, that gets dragged down by its many faults.
    Some cool monster designs too.

  • Brent Hyde

    I have said this before FFXII was originally supposed to be about Basch but the developer added Vann at the Last minute that is why he seems to matter in the story he is a Last minute addition

    • Discordius Erisianus

      It isn’t true though.

      • Carlos Alexandre

        Oh? I heard this too.

        So Basch wasn’t supposed to be the protagonist?

        • Discordius Erisianus

          Basch was indeed intended to be the main character in the early draft of the story. Then the change was made to include Vaan and Penelo. this happened early in development as Vaan was the first character design to be drawn for the game.
          That knowledge actually baffles me. You’d think if they thought Vaan and Penelo needed to be in the game for it to sell well, then they would make both more important to the story. I think they ended up keeping more of the original script than was wise considering the protagonist change.

          • Carlos Alexandre


          • Tom-Olav Hundstad

            I’m not sure that more importance for Vaan and Penelo would’ve made the story better.

  • Jose Ibarra

    finnnaly lol

  • Julio Garcia

    Yeah I was looking forward the review. I must admit that in the beginning I felt a Nippiking overflow as the aspects he mentions are easily ignored in standard RPGs. but this is not a Standard RPG. It has no excuse. I feel like Square-Enix Bother more in the characters look and act “Cool” as they believed that that was going to excuse an uninteresting game that virtually plays itself.
    I hope that in the second part he turn the spotlight in the story though. After all. He did the same with the ultima review.

  • Emil Petrunov

    I still have no clue what those stupid robes were about. I guess they were some kind of “sacrificial” clothing that you give to these people to be purged, but… jeez. Even Clu 2.0 had a better one.

    • doresh

      They’re basically some kind of handcuff you’d design if you have far too much money and want the prisoners to look incredibly stupid so they’ll die without dignity.

  • Samantha Mumba

    It was dumb…but I genuinely enjoyed my time with this game. It’s flawed as hell. Absolutely horrific story telling. I still didn’t know what the fuck was going on after I completed it, but the gameplay was great. I’m going to enjoy these videos though. You bring up a lot of what I was feeling during my playthrough.

  • Zach MacColl


  • Lisa Fisk

    This was the first and last Final Fantasy game I ever played. I fell for the hype and got it on release day and ugh! Talk about a tedious, tooth grinding descent into mediocrity. And then FF 13-2’s non nonsensical time travel story. Half way through the game I couldn’t tell where I had come from or where I was going or why.

    • doresh

      Try the classics. It can only get better.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Why do I feel bullied by older fans for simply liking XIII?

        • Andrew DeCaire

          You shouldn’t :'( if you like it, more power to you. Videogames were created to give people pleasure and have fun, if you’re having fun then it did it’s job. But to many it didn’t… which they get testy over. I’m just afraid people who play 13 are going to judge all the games by how this turned out. I admit I hate the game, but I mean no disrespect to people who don’t. I just want people to know what the series really means, I don’t want people to judge it all by 13 alone, because that’s not fair.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the older titles are fantastic and XIII should’ve had more time in development and re-write parts that sucked. I actually have I, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII and IX though I guess I should’ve invest more time into them.

            A Final Fantasy XV should have an old-school setting with airships. It could work, even in this modern era of gaming.

          • Andrew DeCaire

            I understand, and I agree with XV though I was satisfied with XII by how fantasy and old fashioned it was, though the airships looked a little modern for my liking. I liked XII because it went back to true fantasy (In my opinion) and how many main series games are canon to Spin-offs? (Taking place before the original tactics)

        • doresh

          People on the internet tend to have a “You don’t share my opinion, therefore you are my enemy!”-mentality.

          I don’t have something against people who like games like XII. I just find people odd who like the game AND don’t see why many people dislike it, going so far as to bash said people for not liking it. You seem to belong to the sane group, though ;-)

          (BTW, I myself had way more fun with X-2 than I should ever admit XD )

      • golden izanagi

        I am currently trying to play ff6 and I can see why many say its better then ff7 one of those being a villain you can truly hate instead of feeling sorry for at some point like most jrpg’s tend to do, of course I really would have a hard time seeing how anyone could feel sympathy for a someone like keftka no matter how tragic a backstory he has considering he poisoned a freaking river killing not only the soldiers but the civilians that were probably taking refuge in the stronghold along with it and laughing his ass off about it.

        • doresh

          Say what you will about Kefka, but that dude got shit done XD

          • golden izanagi

            never played that one but unfortunately I think many seem to know about exdeath the really evil tree through the dissidia games (which I like mainly because you get to play as kain, golbez or an insane version of chaos and beat the crap out of the ff characters you hate with them) and has been made a meme probably because of his obsession with “the void” in that game and so I gotta ask did he have a big obsession with the void in ff5?

          • doresh

            At least not for the majority of the game when he was mainly busy destroying elemental crystals (and the void wasn’t even mentioned at all). Guess they didn’t know what he should say otherwise <_<

            But why wouldn't he be obsessed with the void? He can use it to blast literal holes into a world without repercussion while being there.

    • Andrew DeCaire

      I’m sorry, for you, That’s like when you hear of a bunch of really cool guys to hang with and they dump their retarded cousin on you. Go play some of the older ones, 4, 6, 7, 9, those are so much fun :D

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        That’s advertising. All I heard upon XIII’s release that was called “WORST GAME EVAH!” and I bought it because I didn’t wanna miss out on Final Fantasy and ignore the people who hate it. Oh, and re-praising the older games just to say how bad XIII is a good way make people HATE the older titles as see them (the old-school one in particular) as overrated trash.

        Piss on XIII and I WON’T play VI.

        • Charred Newt

          Well, he already tried and disliked XIII. Suggesting him some other much different and valid games in the same series is not going to change his opinion on the single title, but may help him reevaluate the franchise. I know the “old is better” crowd may get a bit annoying, but there’s no reason to barricate.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            The old school Final Fantasy fans are rotten to the core. I miss the old school Spyro games but I still like Skylanders.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Huh. So by liking old SNES games I’m rotten by association.

          • Kaihedgie

            It’s kinda not hard to make a blanket statement considering how much time old-school fans invest in whining about everything post-SNES/PSX instead of just playing the games they love so much

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Verity is the spice of life.

            Even though I play Chakan: The Forever Man, Baldur’s Gate 2 and System Shock 2 still to day. It gets repetitive after some time that is the time to start playing new games again.

            Still if you love a game franchise you kind of need to be able to criticize it, because the feedback to the game can give a little push on what direction the projects take.

            so let me start bitching on these 3 favorites of mine

            Chakan had a irritating leaps of faith over an instant death pits with an unforgiving difficulty, and blindsiding enemy spawn in mid air that made you willing to rip your hair out.

            Baldur’s gate 2 had an irritating starting dungeon that you had to go though every bloody time you wanted to start the game with a new character and a good 4th of the game happens in a cave(The Underdark).

            System Shock 2 has weapons that will break if you so much as hink about using them and those fucking psychic monkeys, I hate those fucking monkeys.

            Still games have always had there problems most players of my age just have forgotten the shitty side of the old games we all hated and loved.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Well, I do replay the old games, and have been lately for analysis.
            The general trend I latched onto is that despite the increased emphasis on story since the SNES era, the characters and gameplay were steadily heading in a very “generic” direction.

            Why: Mechanically, the characters are 99% the same.

            Apart from their ultimate attacks (Limit Breaks, Overdrive, Quickenings..) there is little to no personal distinction. Materia, Junctioning, Sphere Grid, License Board, Crystarium…all of these make abilities generalized.

            And you know what? That actually matters when you’re trying to define CHARACTERS. Every trait that links their abilities to their persona makes them more believable.

            (FFX is half-and-half, though the International Version places all the characters in the middle of the Sphere Grid, and by the end of the game in ALL versions no character is really going to stand out since they all share the same exact potential. Silly thing is, this makes Wakka the best by default just because he can hit air units naturally.)

            The point was emphasizing “player choice”, but in doing so they just made the concept of having other characters useless.

            Final Fantasy Tactics did this best where you had Generic soldiers who weren’t characters in their own right, while leaving those who were with more distinct skillsets, but at the same time letting them have access to the rest of the generic classes.

            The generics were never useless, but you could easily fill out your end game party with a plethora of characters who could do things that the generics couldn’t, and it made them feel more distinct; like they were individuals rather than JUST a ball of skills and stats.

            I rag on about this because when your gameplay is boring, your mechanics emphasize blandness, and your characters are boring or unlikable, your game isn’t going to be that good. And this is the central trend in design that Squeenix has been forcing into *all* of their main FF games since 7 (again, sans 9, which they said was a throwback to the old games anyway).

            This, I believe, is just one part of why old school fans are so obnoxiously adamant about how much better the old games are; they age better because they’re still quite playable mechanically.

          • Kaihedgie

            If they “aged better”, then why the remakes?

            Last I remember, FF 1 and 3 had you play as faceless avatars only defined by their class and nothing else. FFII and FFIV’s characters that original either.

            Erm…why exactly are you bringing in Tactics when it’s a different subgenre? All tactical RPGs have faceless mooks you order around, so I’m not seeing the point of bringing this up against modern games.

            Except I don’t find the gameplay and mechanics all that boring. Then again, I’m not really an RPG fan at all, so I understand none of these criticisms all that much.

            It’s odd you bring up the Sphere Grid thing since everyone has a predetermined path which already defines their abilities. Sure, you could make everyone uber powerful and give everyone the exact same abilities and the same goes for the other mentioned games….but that would take a ridiculous amount of grinding and labor to do, so again, I’m not seeing the problem except the one you incidentally make by going through the trouble of doing all of that in the first place. Even with this whole “player choice eliminating diversity and identity” thing, if I went through the harrowing hours of grinding everyone so they could all be great at everything, then at least I’ll always have the option to heal than not at all. I’d rather much have the option to hit hard than to slap like a wimp. Otherwise, I’m just to end up going in circles managing party members that can’t stand up for five seconds against a particular enemy until I eventually burn out and die.

            Then again, I’m far less the RPG type of person than I am an action-oriented person where no one is strictly dedicated to doing one thing and one thing only.

          • Atmos_Duality

            “If they “aged better”, then why the remakes?

            I fail to see how this matters at all.

            Companies have been cashing in on remakes of old properties for years
            now, and the FF remakes are scarcely any different from the originals in their mechanics and gameplay.
            Maybe a graphical uplift here, a refined translation there, and some bug fixes, but the remakes are note-for-note the same otherwise.

            “Last I remember, FF 1 and 3 had you play as faceless avatars only
            defined by their class and nothing else. FFII and FFIV’s characters that
            original either.”

            Those games are defined more clearly by their mechanics (primitive as they are) than their characters. But for a video game, that fits. It’s in part why certain games have a timeless sense to them, while others become so mired in their own nonsense, they become “overrated” and backlashed as time goes on.

            As games evolved, we saw stronger and stronger pushes to tell stories, but the recurring problem with many games (jrpgs especially) is that gameplay and story are kept very separate from each other, mostly out of convenience.

            It’s my opinion that the games that did both story and gameplay best in the FF series were FF6, FF9, and FFT because they better married the characters to their abilities through gameplay.

            It isn’t a direct translation (no FF game has managed that ever), but it also isn’t this mish-mash of generic characters.

            “Erm…why exactly are you bringing in Tactics when it’s a different
            subgenre? All tactical RPGs have faceless mooks you order around, so I’m
            not seeing the point of bringing this up against modern games.”

            *sigh* Please don’t try to dodge the point with semantics.

            Tactics subgenre it might be, it’s still a Final Fantasy game and its design choices stem in part from FF5’s class system and FF6’s characterization.

            There’s a reason FFT is held in largely high regard, while its two spinoff sequels are scarcely mentioned, and contrary to what the cynics say, it’s not just nostalgia.

            “It’s odd you bring up the Sphere Grid thing since everyone has a predetermined path which already defines their abilities.”

            Whether or not you get those paths is based on whether you have the original or International (Platinum Hits) version. I’ve played both, and it’s very easy to cruise through the game on the default classes in the original, I’ll grant you that, but it begs the question as to why they made the changes in the other version if their intent was NOT that Blank Slate business.

            (also, it’s trivially easy to break FFX’s balance completely with certain Overdrive->Exp combos starting around a third into the game. The result being that the grind isn’t even a tenth as bad as you claim it to be, though I admit this is something of an “expert” trick that the average player isn’t likely to perform on their own on a first playthrough)

            The point here is that Squeenix is in love with this design model, and it’s getting ridiculous at this point. They keep trying to find some magic combination that will land them a blockbuster, and still they cling to the very worst parts of their outdated concepts.

            “TL;DR version: Even with all that, it’s still no excuse screaming in people’s faces just because something changes.”

            At no point have I even attempted to excuse such behavior, if that’s what you imply..

          • Kaihedgie

            “As games evolved, we saw stronger and stronger pushes to tell stories” Gonna have to stop you right there.

            You’re on Spoony’s site. Surely you’ve saw the Ultima Retrospective by now, so there’s no point in bringing up that excuse.

            Not quite my own opinion, but a friend of mine who’s a big fan of FF considers Tactics to be terrible period. Matter of subjective opinion. And please don’t complain about bringing up semantics, you should have known it was coming trying to compare a spinoff series that deviates from the main series to the point of following a different subgenre to the main series. That wasn’t going to validate anything. Whether or not the blank slots exist doesn’t change the fact that Square pre-defined their abilities from the start. Whatever happened after that was the player’s choice and quite frankly, the choice of any RPG. After all, people have beaten FF1 and its remakes using only White Mages, which again according to your point of view, gets rid of the apparent identity thing with abilities and characters.

            Y’know, dude, if you’re so tired of this “design model”, you’re free to stop buying and playing the games period if it annoys you that much.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Well, two strawman arguments, semantics and hand-waving later, and my points are completely ignored.

            Yeah, that’s about what I was expecting.

            The “subjective” argument in particular is the telltale copout; it’s an avoidance of the subject, an argument that uses Magic Hat Logic, because it can be used to explain anything without actually explaining it.
            “Don’t ask the magician how it happens because he doesn’t want to tell you. Just nod your head, clap your hands and accept that it’s Magic.”

            As for the matter of “buying/not buying”.I don’t play them for personal enjoyment anymore; in fact, I actively avoid Squeenix products entirely.

            FF12 was the last FF game I bought for personal reasons, and it was on the cheap. I help others do research for reviews, and I occasionally rent games for the purposes of analysis since I do amateur game development as a hobby as well.

            I have nothing against people liking the newer FFs; I know people into
            much weirder shit than FF and I don’t judge them. But I am past tired of being lumped in with arrogant hipster fanboys because I share a preference.

            Since this is going nowhere, I’m cutting this nonsense off right here.

        • Andrew DeCaire

          Okay. If you’d rather play 13 over 6 go ahead. But I had no intention of pure pressure. I just wanted to encourage Lisa to see what a real Final Fantasy game is like.

          • Kaihedgie

            What exactly is “true” these days? Sounds more like a buzzword regarding video games than its intended meaning.

          • Andrew DeCaire

            To Square-Enix it means “Making buttloads of money”
            For fans it means “Giving a sense of what you knew of the series for what it used to be, and can still be, that raw feeling that you know you’re playing a Final Fantasy game, and that it is equally as good as all the others.”
            Though interpret it all you want. And even though I stated my feelings for 13, I will admit that Lightning does not feel out of place in Dissidia 012. She belongs there along with all the other heroes, even though I’m not a fan of her game.

          • Kaihedgie

            Raw feeling? Wha? What is this, sports?

          • Andrew DeCaire

            -_- raw feeling, is the feeling in your gut that you just know something is right, perfect, will work. Sports? What made you think of sports? O_o

  • Eugene Na

    I genuinely thought that FFXIII-2 was an improvement from FFXIII. I also thought that FFXIII-2 was trying to be Chrono Trigger, but instead of being an innovative take on the ideas of role playing and story writing, it ended up an incoherent mess which follows two really unlikable asshats, dicking around the timestream and evidently end up accomplishing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

    • doresh

      This reminds me of something: Why did they never try to copy Chrono Trigger’s combat system Oo ? It doesn’t need a seperate combat screen (like XII) and it already kinda feels like pseudo-realtime. A few additional tweaks (like being able to move the characters) and you’d be good to go.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Why didn’t XIII-2 let me turn Serah into a bitch and let Snow die?

      • Alexandr Galtsev

        They tried in XII, but it turned out to be crap.

        • doresh

          I got that vibe at first. Even Chrono Trigger feels more real-time Oo

  • Joseph Hord

    You know, I’m a huge fan and I hate to be that guy but Leona Lewis isn’t J-Pop.

    • Shay

      I was gonna mention that, too. But then I decided ‘meh, fuck it.’ Not a fan of Leona Lewis, anyway. Didn’t even really know it was her until I went looking for that commercial Spoony was talking about, because I had honestly never seen it.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Fuck Leona Lewis. XII’s EU commerical was awesome because it was narrated by Patrick Stewart, a Shakespearean actor. Leona Lewis, of X-Factor infamy, sang over XIII as if the game was all about HER and not the characters. Fuck Leona Lewis and fuck Jedward (they ruined Dragon Quest IX).

  • zanmaru

    Snow punches with super-human strength via a technology emblem thingy sewn into the back of his coat. This isn’t even a nerd nitpick, you figure this out as soon as you enter his equipment screen. Makes more sense than Zell punching a robot spider to death.

    FFXIII still sucks though, don’t get me wrong.

    • doresh

      I’m pretty sure Snow punching stuff came before the in-universe explanation for why it works. I guess normal gloves didn’t seem sci-fi enough.

  • Kaio

    “BETRAYAL!!!” I thought the first time I played this piece of s**t!

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      HOW is this a betrayal? The story is not connected the rest of the series. XIII doesn’t start off where XII finished. That is the magic of Final Fantasy. Now matter how bad the game itself is, it CAN’T betray the franchise like that. I can understand if certain recurring traits aren’t not in XIII but Final Fantasy XIII is NOT this century’s Ultima IX.

  • Ravelqueen

    Does anyone know why he left out FF XII?

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      because there is nothing bad about it but the combat system, the voice acting, the setting and the fact you don’t play as the main protagonist. So it would be a boring revue.

    • doresh

      The story is too boring.

      (Well, at least it made me bore-quit.)

  • Nicholas

    I’m sorry, that androgynous kid with the blue hair needs a mention… he looks totally inept to put more focus on his ridiculous hairstyle than his career as a resistance fighter. Will you ever review FF12?

  • J_C

    Got to be honest here Spoony, sometimes you rage about silly things. Why does the hero thinks that he can take that huge mech alone? Because in the fantasy world, every hero knows how badass he/she is. Why does Mario go after a dragon? Why does Snake go up against Metal Gears? Why does Resident Evil characters fight against huge monsters with a gun? Because in the context of that game world, they are the badass heroes. Don’t draw a paralell with real world. And in the battle sequence, why does the hero stays in the line of sight of the attacker? Because the battle arena and the gameplay is set up this way. Every FF game has a battle arena where the heroes and the enemies face eachother and can’t move.

    I love your stuff Spoony, but you shouldn’t nitpick about this stuff.

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      “Why does Mario go after a dragon? Why does Snake go up against Metal
      Gears? Why does Resident Evil characters fight against huge monsters
      with a gun?”

      Why does every game you name hare have a combat scaling where you have to fight enemies that are not 10X your size the moment you enter the game.
      Mario does not fight a dragon until he has at least stomped hundreds of enemies to death. Snake goes though strangely more fucked up opponents before even think about Metal Gears. And Leon goes though hordes of zombies befor the first abomination.

      It’s called combat progression and it sees to more tension as the game goes on.
      But he could have mentioned that in the revue.

      But i’m with you on the combat system.

    • Andrew DeCaire

      Yeah, it’s fantasy it doesn’t have to sense, that’s why it’s called Fantasy. Spoony, if you can’t explain it, a wizard did it.

  • Skelemelon

    You know, I think the worst part of the robes is that they would actually be pretty cool if it weren’t for the head things with the dangly things.

  • ColeYote

    Don’t do it, man, don’t you remember what happened when JonTron decided to review this?

  • jagarcia0705

    I heard that if the next Final Fantasy game flops, it will sink Square Enix. It seems like the irony is coming full circle. I say that because many years back when Square Soft was struggling to stay afloat, their idea was to create one last game, a game that would either save their company or doom it. Thinking that this would be the last game they would make, they decided to call it Final Fantasy. Instead of becoming a failure, it became the exact opposite, it was a smash hit & the rest is history. Ever since Final Fantasy 8, Square Soft (now Square Enix) has been going down hill ever since. Will Square Enix ever create a game that matches or surpasses a game that is & always will be the best in the series: Final Fantasy 7? Doubt it, but as Spock from Star Trek 2: Wraith of Khan would say “there are always possibilities”.

    • theshamster

      Strange, as I actually liked FF9; sure it had what haters caled ‘furry’ characters, but it had exactally what Final Fantasy games started off with: medieval settings and magic!

      I loved the music for that game, plus the goofy characters and their unique personalities.

      Look past the ‘furry’ stigma that people threw at it, and it’s actually a very fun game, plus it was open-ended; no ‘hallways’ at all. You can do many sidequests and collect unique weapons and armour way before you’d usually find them and have a lot of fun. Plus leveling up the characters abilities is simple and straightforwards; no spheregrids or any of that confusing stuff.

      If you avoided this game because of the ‘furry’ image, Spoony, then at least give it a try, its a fun game.

      • jagarcia0705

        I never played Final Fantasy 9, so I have no opinion on it. I have played Xenogears a lot though. Comparing Xenogears to Final Fantasy 13, Xenogears is superior in almost every way. A superb story line, interesting characters, use of giant robots (which is awesome), the only thing Xenogears is lacking is the graphics (duh!). Unlike Final Fantasy 13 you visit almost anywhere & there is side quest that reward you greatly.

        • Andrew DeCaire

          No-one accused FF12 of being a “Furry Game” and to be honest it deserves that title a lot more than 9. The characters are more fleshed out and designed graphic wise, and I can’t forget to mention “Sexy bunny girls”

          • doresh

            Sexy bunny girls aren’t furry (well, maybe 10% furry). They are just plain stupid and ridiculous, especially how the act like a “proud warrior race” and yet love to show their asses.

    • Tony

      Final Fantasy XIII Versus could have very well been that game. When I first saw the trailer for it back in, I think, 2007, it looked amazing. The atmosphere, what I could assume about the characters and plot, the music, and setting made me really want this game; far more than any other Final Fantasy ever did. Then we got a trailer for Final Fantasy XIII about a year later that seemed boring and confusing at best. Obviously Square Enix took the boring/confusing route, as Versus still isn’t out. But now, I doubt this game will be the game it seemed to be anymore. A new trailer shows an enemy that looks exactly like one from XIII with barely a different color to it. The whole atmosphere and excitement it once had is now gone too for a more “let’s not be too different from our failure of a game FFXIII” feel. If this game ever does come out, it probably won’t be what it originally looked like it was going to be and yet again disappoint.

      • doresh

        The main problem seems to be that whoever is in charge at the moment loves FFXIII WAY to much. It’s like how Western comic book editors tend to almost ruin the whole company by basically being fanboys with far too much influence.

  • theshamster

    In regards to FF13 and ‘the hallway’, didn’t FFX also have a ‘hallway’ until you get the airship?

    • doresh

      True, FFX’s is rather linear at first, but even that game had nonlinear dungeons and cities to explore.

      • Kaio

        Also, in FFX, you can go back to the place you visited. FFXIII doesn’t let the player to go back on feet. (Only by using L’cie crystal portal things)

        • doresh

          So not only is the level-design basically one-dimensional, but you can only ever go forward Oo ?

  • Michael Lindenmuth

    Seems like we have a Channel Awesome member taking on this game. Marzgurl just started her quest in talking about how horrible this game is. People over there are doing their “So and so is doing it better” thing, and that’s all good, but people are talking Cross over. What? Why? I think a Marz/Spoony cross over might be the absolute worst idea either could have. I’ll give you three reasons why this would be just god awful and people should just give up the notion. Firstly,
    when I watch a Spoony review on a game. It’s almost to me like he’s doing penance not only for himself, but also for the game. To add another person to that can do nothing, but annihilate the power his reactions have in him essentially coming to terms with things he loved in gaming completely betraying him. Secondly, Marz has her own thoughts that need to be said just as Spoony needs his to be said. Why take away her passions she may have against this by having Spoony over powering it with his over the top hatred? Marz is not by any means going to go the lengths that Spoony will visually to get his point across. That’s not her style and it’d be a shame to see either performer suffer because they are trying to include the other. Lastly, if she does want to cross over with someone… what’s wrong with having a CA gamer join her? I know the CA audience are desperate for Spoony to return, but you have Sage and Angry Joe, who I’m sure have hate for this game as well, that could easily sit with her and join forces against this crapfest. I’d actually think that with Sage’s extensive anime background along with Marz’s could make for a more appropriate crossover. There are just better matches for her in the working of a cross over. I think the CA audience need to just give it up and stop forcing the issue of Spoony being in everything that anyone in CA might start he could be stuck in.

    • Andrew DeCaire

      Spoony did do a crossover with Diamanda Hagan since he left. Showed up on both TGWTG and this site.

  • Saber Reiter

    Good to see you back. This was a fun review !

  • Aluminum Foil

    … I… ..
    I ….
    I don’t think that’s what they meant, by Radagast the brown :( ….

  • Lance LeDuc

    you brought back all the horrible memories of this game. I mean would it kill them to actually explain ANTHING about the game? I shouldn’t have to read a fucking encyclopedia entry in game to know what the fuck they are talking about.

  • Sioraf As Killeens

    Other people do crappy “misheard” lyrics jokes and people like it but Spoony makes a good one and people hate it? Welcome to the internet.

  • André

    “The Army is no match for Nora”? You’re right, Spoony, that is an incredibly dull motto. In fact, let’s create a list of better and more memorable mottos! Show us what you got, people!

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      ….I smell like a rotten shark?

    • doresh


      • André


        God, Red Dawn was awesome… (wistfull memories)

    • Atmos_Duality

      To be fair, there’s nothing that douchebag could have come up with that would have sounded good. Just because it’s SNOW whose saying it.

      He could quote Alfred Tennyson and still manage to taint every syllable with Essence of Douche’.

    • Zertan

      how about FFX Blitzball team – “To Do Our BEST!”

      No seriously it’s better and memorable.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      NORA gets violently murdered by the thugs of Omega. Don’t fuck with Aria.

  • Kristopher Tiplady

    I can really relate to not being able to turn your brain off, racing thoughts ect. I really can, I know exactly how it is. Aside from that great review as always man, you are a talent. I’m so glad that you are keeping it up. Your reviews give a lot of us something to look forward to. Best regard man.

  • Alan Gomez

    I know your pain, I got this game day 1, full of exitment and expecting something at least good, not great but good, sadly the final fantasy series really has died on me, the only other game that I really liked after 6 was 9, and that was mainly because it was so nostalgic. so at the end of the day just get a Vita with Persona 4 Golden, its just a good RPG for a change!.

    Great job Spoony, awesome videos.

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      I got a PS3 because I loves JRPGs. still after getting Eternal Sonata, Resonance of Fate, Nier and The Last Remnant I really got depressed over the turn the genre was taking so I got FFXIII as a rental and after playing it for 7 hours I returned the game and Sold my PS3…

  • Luis

    The chain of questions with a naive tone of voice is a nod to RedLetterMedia Prometheus rant?

  • disqus_0oesExaQGA

    So you showed off a copy of FFXIII-2, but how does this make you feel?

  • John Shepard

    Great review Noah.It was hilarious.
    Looking forward to the next part…

  • Pinkius Piecus

    I decided to torture myself just a little bit and see how much of FF13 I could get through after watching this review a bit, and that grav-com bit? You know, around 20:10 when Spoony starts talking about how cool it is? How did she even know it was working!? Shaz or whatever had BROKEN it like, 3 minutes ago when she was going to jump across a bridge and leave him to die! She never stopped to see if it was working, does she just assume that the thing auto-repairs ever time it breaks?

    • doresh

      It’s FF13. They don’t have to explain it.

  • Ash

    I don’t like FF13 or FF13-2 but I did play and finished them well not FF13-2 because of the spinning bullshit platforming during the final level. The only reason I would go play either again is to get the trophies or achievements.

  • dragonfly82

    Spoony, have you seen Lighting’s design for FFXIII-3 ?
    it’s Hilariously bad, WTF are they thinking?

    • doresh

      I said it before and I’ll say it again: Nomura forgot his pills again XD

      • golden izanagi

        I don’t know the reaction to lightnings Valkyrie costume but the thing about it is I honestly thought it was fitting for one thing her personality is akin to that of a warrior maiden and her summon being odin and fighting in a place called valhalla so yeah I get why they went with that design, and after all it would be kinda stupid for her to be in her soldier outfit while in a mystical themed place like that. as for the 13-3 design I think they were trying to do that darker, edgier thing considering that games premise of the limited amount of time to save the world thing in it and try to give the feeling of her looking like she does not have time to fuck around kinda thing, of course I could be totally off base with it but that just what comes to my head whenever seeing it.

        • doresh

          I dunno, looks more like she put on parts of her domina gear (because who needs a torso you can actually bend?) and decided the only piece of actual armor she needs is some fancy piece of metal on her left arm that only seems to have ceremonial purposes since well, that thing looks like it will fly off after the first hit.
          Oh, and then she forgot to put on some pants.

          If they truly intended to go the Valkyrie route, they should’ve looked at Valkyrie Profile.

        • Tyghost

          I think they were actually trying to go for something closer to the traditional Dark Knight (a la Cecil before his transformation into Paladin). The design definitely goes for something darker and edgier.

  • I’m A Fucking Time Lord

    I laughed really, really hard at the corridor joke. Who programs their game to be just one long tunnel?
    Square Enix, apparently.

    • Shodan

      Look at you hacker, a pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and sweating as you run though my corridor, how can you challenge a perfect immortal machine.

      • I’m A Fucking Time Lord

        You’re right.
        I’m not worthy!

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          Well I thing that answers your question.
          A twisted unethical machine.

  • Eduardo Uchoa

    Spoony, Could you fix the video loading of your website? I can barely see your videos anymore because they keep freezing. And no it’s not my connection sicne youtube plays just fine.

  • Nasser Elusta

    Spoony, you CAN have awesome and practical

  • Derek Twitchy Moore

    Spoony, by the time you get finished with this review, they’re gonna be a lot of rage moments. I own both XIII and XIII-2, and trust me, the gameplay is a piece of crap, but just like you, it seems like I am doomed forever to play every Final Fantasy game I can until the end of time. I’m just a fan of the series, even if it has gone rock bottom in the past few years.

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      Well speaking as someone who sold his console to make sure i would not play another Final Fantasy game I just have to say this to another fan, some times i just best to let the things you love die with dignity. If Final Fantasy it’s your favorite video game series I think your last hope is Final Fantasy VS 13.

      And on the final fantasy combat issue: combat has been a mess lately, translates poorly into the modern gaming generation, so I wonder why they don’t try to adept the Kingdom Hearts combat system into the final fantasy series, because the combat in KH works well, unlike the pseudo TBS bullshit I have gotten from most JRPG’s i have gotten this generation.

      I mean the combat arena was there because the earlier platform had a hard time trying to have a interesting combat with with the 8-16 bit graphics and it continued as a traditional combat system with some innovative tweaks, I mean the core combat system is 25 years old.

      I think the only thing Final Fantasy still has is a beautiful visual setting and music, the rest have gone down the drain at some point in the last 6-15 years.

      I’m sorry about this post i think i had a point with this at some point

      • Andrew DeCaire

        Except Nobuo didn’t write a single piece of music for 13, another reason why I can’t call that game a real Final Fantasy. But you do know, that FF XV might completely turn things around and revive the series, Who knows.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          you do realize that in order to “revive” the final fantasy series you kind of need to and I’m just throwing the most extreme way to fix there problem, Fire Yoshinori Kitase. By the Nails of the Dead if i was running a company that has a director that has not given out a good game in more than 10 years i would make him take responsibility for those projects. I think what the FF franchise needs is some fresh blood.

          • Andrew DeCaire

            Tetsuya Nomura is the one who ditched the “Medieval Fantasy” for “Sci-fi Fantasy” so I partly blame him as well.

          • doresh

            And his character designs nowadays range from “tolerable” to “OMG what is he/she wearing Oo ?!”, so I’d ditch him as well. FF can already be greatly improved if you can finally take the characters seriously.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            As a Character Designer i don’t like him but I have liked every game he has directed .

          • doresh

            Seems his truly wretched work only comes up if he’s character designer only – as seen in Dirge of Cerberus or Lightning’s new mecha domina dress.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            I think Square Enix just put Tetsuya Nomura in his own projects.

            And here come a crazy idea: How about having the concept designer and the character designer the same person, you know so the characters fit the concept of the game. And before anyone starts reminding me on how that might delay the development process do for the whole stress put on one person but i think that is what square needs right now because the games just kind of feel kind of schizophrenic.

          • doresh

            That’s because they piece their games together out of individual ideas and probably make stuff up as they go along. It’ll probably be for the better if they have LESS people working on the overall design. Bonus points if they have has much finalized as possible before they actually start building a proper game around the combat engine.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Thank you for the info.

            Now i know that the games are schizophrenic by design.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            The switch kept the series from being as shit as Pokemon, which always rehashes everything to alienate veterans. I imagine fans of Black and White couldn’t get into Black 2 and White 2 the same reason why I don’t HeartGold as much I loved Silver.

      • doresh

        I’d just go back to an actual turn-based combat system like in Chrono Trigger. Don’t really understand why so many JRPGs feel the need to become Action RPGs with AI partners.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          I’m actually on the opinion that you should ether go full real-time action combat or full turn based combat. I mean i enjoyed the combat in FFX and Kingdom Hearts, both combat systems work. but lately it feels like they like to hold on too the turn based combat system so that they wont piss of the old school FF players but are also trying to make it more action packed to get new players in. But in that train of thought they managed to piss both groups of at the same time.

          • doresh

            It’s weird. They somehow try to have it both ways, without really knowing how. But you CAN have lots of action in a pure turn-based game, just look at any Disgaea or Super Robot Wars gameplay video.

            The funny thing is that the perfect hybrid combat system IMO is already a couple years old. It’s from Grandia (or at least Grandia 2, since I’ve only played that one so far), one of the only JRPGs where blocking is useful because every character and monster needs a bit of time to run towards his target.
            And just like with Chrono Trigger, nobody ever tried to copy it Oo

  • Nasser Elusta

    Spoony, you can have awesome and practical

  • SireRequiem

    Mother of God the hallway, I played the first 20 hours praying against all reason that it would end but it never did… it just went on and on… I didn’t even know I was screaming at the screen until I started going hoarse.

    • SireRequiem

      Anyway, did anyone else think Sazh’s nickname should be “Radagast the Brown” after seeing the new Hobbit movie?

  • Chris Lauderdale



  • Christa Kelly

    Have you heard that they are releasing a third game to wrap up Lighting’s story? This has Lightning narrating about the end of the world and it kinda looks like a Assassins Creed knock off.

    • Smashlampjaw

      Its More like Zelda Ocrina of Time with a time-limit until the “world” ends…

      • doresh

        I hope the world will will end so they can FINALLY move on and try to save the franchise with FFXV.

  • Kaio

    Hey Spoony, have you noticed the Lightning’s sword? It is not a conventional sword… Exactly! It’s a f******g Gunblade!

    • doresh

      Technically it’s a sword that can turn into a gun, which is admittedly less stupid than a sword with a pistol grip. Though I have to question how this thing is supposed to parry anything without falling apart (or at least have the transformation mechanic f*cked up)…

      One also has to wonder why she doesn’t just dual wield a sword and a pistol, seeing how all her fighting style is pretty much solely one-handed.

      Heck, you can even make this part of the gameplay, like allowing her to shoot at a secondary target with each succesful sword slash.

      • Kaio

        “Though I have to question how this thing is supposed to parry anything without falling apart” My thoughts exactly! XD

        It’s the same hybrid weapon concept, the next evolution of the gunblade. Truly, the Spoony’s Sharkzooka is better…

        • doresh

          At least the sharkzooka makes some sort of sense XD

  • Nasser Elusta

    You can have awesome and pratical, Spoony

  • David Henshaw

    There is a scene near the start where lighting uses her purple power thingy and sazh grabs hold of her and she trys to use it and it doesnt work , still a bad game

  • Xandermorph

    I’ve been on this game for an hour and it feels like four. I wanted to give it a fair shake, though. But I already know I’m NOT gonna finish this game. I won’t get anywhere close. I’ll probably last until the party leaves Cocoon. It’s getting hard to give a shit and stay invested.

    God, you may as well not even HAVE the pointless long walking bits… if all it does it railroad you from one battle to another, why even have the walking bits AT ALL?? Why not just have it like in FF Tactics where you move from one part of the overmap to another, node by node, with each node being a battle or something like a shop or a story point. The treasures in FF Tactics are gleaned from enemies and treasure chests hidden in certain contexts around the battleboard.
    FF Tactics might be really narrowed in scope, gameplay-wise, but at LEAST it gets it right with its chosen medium! FFXIII just seems to take all the usual elements that make an average RPG and mutilate each one into an unrecognizably limited state. The world feels barren and unpopulated as NPCs almost uniformly ignore you, the battle system feels lazily executed, and, well, if there’s no sense of exploration or freedom then it’s anything BUT an RPG.
    Ever since Sakaguchi left, this poor great giant of gaming has been buttfucked into utter oblivion. There was no saving it after XIII and XIV happened… FF Tactics was FAR AND AWAY MORE of an RPG than XIII and it wasn’t even TRYING!!! At least Tactics had SIDE-QUESTS AND SUBPLOTS! At least it had a well-crafted party-management and battle system!

    • doresh

      Why they have the walkint bits at all? Well, Square has some weird preferences when it comes to stuff they can change from game to game (like the combat system and amount of exploration) and stuff they HAVE to keep (walking around and something Sphere-Grid-ish)

  • Kaio

    Most of the battles can be resolved by pushing ONE button… the combat system sucks. There’s no strategy (well, there is, but just a little bit). “S.O. till the end of time” and S.O. the Last hope” have a superior combat system, well balanced between strategy and action. Why didn’t Square-Enix use it in FFXIII?

    • doresh

      Square hates using help from others. That’s why FFXIII took so long to make: They built their own engine from scratch instead of using an available one.

      And I dunno, “Till the End of Time” always felt a bit weird to me compared to the first one…

    • Carlos Alexandre

      Star Ocean battle systems — Tri-Ace battle systems in general — are terrible. They convolute what should be a simple premise with strange, unintuitive combo systems and attack buttons that, before attacking, make your character charge into enemy attacks, forcing the player to position in a way that a game with one-to-one movement — like any PROPER action-RPG — doesn’t require.

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    You want a really bad JRPG? Hyperdemsion Neptunia.

    • Carlos Alexandre

      You could have replaced that game title with the words “Most of them.” ;)

      • exler

        Tell me where you live. I will fucking punch you for this.

        • Carlos Alexandre

          In a world where people want to punch others for speaking the truth, it’s rare to find one so candid as to openly admit it. Kudos to you, sir/madam. Though what I posted still stands.

  • Zachary Scherr

    Spoony missed the part where Saz broke lightning’s grav device.

    Let’s see, the only thing he really didn’t like about ff12 in this video was that he thinks Vaan is the main character. He’s not. Ashe is the main character and the game is about the weight of her stolen kingdom on her inexperienced shoulders. And he also said that he didn’t like the MMO type combat system. I’d really like him to go further into what he disliked about ff12.

    Also, I’d like to see him react to FF14: A Realm Reborn. The game is so much different from it’s release. Actually, I can’t wait to see all of the media’s reaction to the rerelease of the game.

    • doresh

      Ashe might’ve been developed as the main character (alongside Basch), but then they just came up with Vaan. That’s why he’s in Dissidia 012, and why he’s the official protagonist.

      And I’m curious to see whether or not the new – and hopefully improved – FFXIV will be affected by the original’s bad reputation.

      • Kaio

        I don’t think that FFXII has a protagonist, in my playthrough I noticed a lack of points of view that makes me think that Vaan, or anybody else, is not the protagonist. I consider, FFXII, simply a chronicle, a series of happenings with few bitching around characters, and because of this, far from to be immersive.

        Is an open world, a bad thing? I don’t think so, in ES5 (Skyrim) fits perfectly… But this is another story. “It’s MY story, and YOU aren’t part of it” XD

        • doresh

          And this is just one of many problems if have with FFXII: The plot is not character-driven, yet the cast is made for a character-driven plot. Vaan and Penelo have just as much to do with ANYTHING that happens in the game as any random street kid.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      When Spoony talked about how the series got worse in dialog, he only concentrated on Vaan and Penelo in XII when the game’s filled with mature characters with big vocabularies.

  • Vaughan MacDonald

    2:20 Who’s Vaughan? I am. I’m Vaughan! D:

    (Yes, I know it’s spelt differently. Let me have my fun, you heartless pricks :c)

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      Why the fuck are you here?! Who the fuck are you!

  • Sioraf As Killeens

    Good lord the comments are awful.

    • Carlos Alexandre

      Not all of them. There’s this dude named Carlos Alexandre who always leaves awesome comments wherever he goes.

      • Atmos_Duality

        So beautiful, yet so terrible at the same time.

  • josh martyn

    she has a goddamn GUNBLADE!

    • doresh

      Or is it a bladegun?!

  • StarTiller

    I’m confused. I assumed from the teaser trailer that the people in the robes were magic users being attacked by a police force who are technologically advanced and to eradicate the magics of old. What happened? Was I hallucinating? This game baffles me. I’ll still give it a try in the future, just out of morbid curiosity (like staring into the eyes of God).

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      Play this game and you will find out that there is no god to stare into the eyes of.

  • Trinity Webb

    I liked every FF after VIII. Yeah I said it. >.> Don’t choke me.

  • MichaelT

    I loved Spoony’s line about writing a story where the main character is the main character. After watching the first two parts of this review, this is probably the first time where I really don’t think Spoony is being particularly facetious or hyperbolic. This may very well be the worst-executed story I’ve ever seen.

    Granted, that’s second-hand, because I haven’t actually played the game, but hey, that’s what reviews are for.

  • ForteDS

    One thing I really can’t forgive this game for is that it has shown me the real essential role of Tidus and Vaan. As we know, the games focus on their perspective as if they were the main characters (Well, more like in 10. Vaan kind of just exists in the background while the story happens around him), while Yuna and Ashe are the real main characters. It’s structured like that so that abomination can represent the player, who don’t know jack shit. It’s like Yuna ending up in today, pointing to a computer, and going “What the fuck is this?” It’s common knowledge to everyone else, but without an Avatar going around asking “Whats a Paladin?”, we end up with a story structure like FF13.

  • Adam Welsh

    Good lord, Spoony. You are truly the Tiger Woods of obsessive over-thinking.
    And it’s pronounced “TEE-DUS!” No, I will not shut up about this!

  • Thomas Atchley

    I bet Final Fantasy IX is looking less terrible just because of the chibi-ish style choice that was made to be a callback to VII’s silly popeye models, eh Spoony?

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Maybe the next Final Fantasy could adapt such a style to save money. The lack of realism would be a small price to pay.

  • Jason Ladouceur

    Never thought I would see the day that he took back what he said about FF8, though I am glad he did since its my absolute favourite Final Fantasy.
    Squares best talent and all of its core FF guys are gone, they left ages ago. Check out Mistwalker Games if you want to see where final fantasy is now.

  • Johnny Davlin

    If it’s any consolation, I’m gay and I always laugh at Spoony’s riff on the Final Fantasy VIII intro. In fact, I think it would be to Spoony’s benefit if he went back to his more archaic style of reviewing. Most of his current stuff has bored me to tears in these last few years.

  • Richard Vanderhoof

    So the Chocabo’s name is the Armaggedon Spell from his Ultima 9 review?

  • Dustin Lanning

    i disagree with the hallway in that you can freely roam in other games of the series yes u can walk around but to what nothing except random encounters u still have to follow a linear progession to this town or cave or dungeon to progress the story the free roaming didnt happened until u get access to things like airships or other objects but its still really late in the game that u get those things this game just removes that illusion that u are able to freely roam if u wanted a game that u can do whatever u want play elder scrolls.

  • Tom-Olav Hundstad

    I never really got the argument about Vaan being irrelevant to the story. It doesn’t really mean anything. He’s never designated as the game’s main character, and seem to serve more as a conduit that players can relate to. It’s a common but effective way of storytelling when you’re dealing with a new and unknown world. What on earth does it mean that the entirety of the game’s story isn’t about him? How is it detrimental? How does it bother anyone? How does it affect the quality of the story?

    Vaan does have important functions in the story, however. Beyond being a relatable character for players, he is also a much better candidate to start the game with. Through Vaan, we can learn about a lot of things concerning the game’s world of Ivalice and the land of Dalmasca in a natural tempo. The simple street-life of Rabanastre provides a nice and light contrast to later settings and moods in the game, in the same manner as Star Wars’ Tatooine or Lord of the Ring’s Shire. This simply wouldn’t have worked with the other, more important characters in the cast. Making the game’s story about Vaan wouldn’t have made sense either, without changing it completely. As it stands, I think the story they ended up with was solid enough.

    The issue of the license board is also one that I frankly raised my eyebrow at. Is it really as linear as the sphere grid or the crystarium? FFXII is the only JRPG I’ve played where any character in the party can wear any kind of armor, wield any kind of weapon and use any kind of spells or techniques. It’s the least linear form of character customization that I’ve seen in a Final Fantasy, by far (though I haven’t played them all, so that might be why). And don’t give me that bullshit about it only giving the “illusion of customization”, there’s no illusion about it. At no point are you ever forced to take a certain path on the license board, or even prompted to take certain characters in certain directions. You’re free to change things around as you please. You can even make every character virtually identical (as I did on my first playthrough) with the exact same weapons, armor and gambits. It’s a piss-poor strategy, but you can do it if you want. It just isn’t linear.

  • Jonathan Andersson

    So, what, no random encounters? BOOOO! That was one of the things I liked with the previous games. Sure, it was tedious at times when I had to backtrack a bit and fight hilariously under-leveled monsters, but at least I could go and level up some more or try to find a new spell/improve the ones I had to tackle a difficult boss.

    Do note that I haven’t played a single Final Fantasy game since 7, but I remain with my opinion.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Random encounters have always sucked.

  • Szabolcs Tóth

    ROBOCOP!!! YEY!!!

  • Dee


  • Jason Ladouceur

    The whole lightning vs the mech was complete bullshite. Even in Final Fantasy 7, they clearly establish that Cloud is a super human soldier, AND can weild arcane energy to fire ice and lightning from his hands before they put him up against a mech, and he has Barret who has a MINIGUN that can turn into an energy cannon on his arm to help.

    • Aaron Kerr

      And then he’s joined by a martial arts master, JESUS, and a spiritual guardian of the earth.

  • Jason Manning

    I’ve played FF 6, 7, and 10 when I was a kid. As a nine year old FF used to mean something special to me. I played FF 7 with my step brother and he showed me how great this game was. It was one of the ways we became friends by him teaching me how to play. Even when I played FF 10 with my best friend (because no one should this game alone) we laughed at how bad to story was but the game was still was really fun to play. It is so sad how Final Fantasy has turned into a complete betrayal to my childhood. Keep it up Spoony, these fuckers deserve all the shit given to use thrown back in their faces.

    • Jason Manning

      I’ve even made my parents takes me to the Final Fantasy movie in theaters and that shit was no where near as bad as FF XIII

  • eternalunderdog

    Please make a part three, please.

  • Jack Reacher

    I don’t get how they gave corridors just to get rid of them later.

  • Ikari Shinji

    It’s an old video, I know (for today standarts). But this guy sounds like a moron. Is he really complain about a FF char stand in the line of fire of an enemy? ALL FINAL FANTASIES ARE THAT WAY! Moron. Get real…

  • Jeffery Kangiser

    It’s okay Spoony, I go on those weird “brain tangents” too!

  • Candy Schuh

    YAY!!! Love ya work!!!

  • MichaelT

    I just looked it up, and the fact that this game’s narrative is so incompetent could be because this game had SIX WRITERS!

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Blame Motomu Toriyama. Final Fantasy XIII would’ve been great without him.

  • Ben Lykins

    every time I watch a spoon sode I have to check the dictionary aka google atleast 2 times….meta got me but it means related to or in conjunction with?? maybe not but maybe so

  • Rude

    I fucking love Spoony’s reviews buth i just felt some arguments he makes are not entirely valid so i decided to comment on those.

    1. Why pick sword when you can have gun?
    Becouse some people cant aim for shit or are skilled with melle weapons. Or cant be trusted with shooting weapon becouse are too stupid to handle it.
    2. “Z” shape handle.
    Even some of real life industrial machines have those. At least i’v seen those.
    3. Where they keep Gravity “things”?
    Those seems pocket size so i assume in pocket
    4 Robes
    Hipsters wear shit that way more stupider. Meyby people in future decided that robes are cool for some reason.

    • Ilja Lyubimov

      Guns argument still holds. Melee warfare today is pretty limited, almost non-existent in actual combat these days.

      • Rude

        Actualy even today soldiers are trained in hand to hand combat with knifes and bayonets plus its Final Fantasy we are talking abaut.

    • Rhys A Davies

      the robes were basically prison robes to keep the prisoners secure during transport or at least that’s how it looked to me

      • phoenixrider100

        someone needs to teach these guys the cost/effectiveness of handcuffs

  • Derek Thomas

    I love the waiting for Godot joke at the end. :D

  • Rasmus Selch Thyrring


    “Waiting for Gadot”, loved that one XD

  • rubergly

    Anyone know what the FFVI figures are on his bookshelf? Are they bead sprites?

  • milltarybratt

    I know at the time it sucked have you favorite review making a gay joke when your currently dealing with just finding about that..but now idk its kind just ehh now