Final Fantasy XIII – Part 2

The Spoony One | Dec 31 2012 | more notation(s) | 

There never was a tale of more woe than this of SERAH!!! And her boyfriend, Snow.

  • http://twitter.com/LichLordClay Stomphoof

    Now this is how we start New Years Eve!

  • Cripsys

    O_O …. Actual content. Nice. I knew there was a reason I haven’t removed this site from my bookmarks list.

    • David Criscione

      I know right? Geeez, for a moment there I though… You know what? No. I’m not going to do this joke. You’re not worth it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joe-Wright/220301062 Joe Wright

    The Chocobo line made me howl

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Spoony’s AMOUNT of exposition feels opposite to XIII. Either have crazy shit going on without explaining it OR explain everything about what’s going to happen and drag it on until some shout “GET TO THE POINT!”

  • Andrew Phillips

    That stuff about the chick… Are you sure? Really? Cos I’ve finished the game and know it was a gift for Sahz’s son before said son got kidnapped (because chocobos are the equivalent of ponies in Cocoon), and now he’s keeping the chick with him so that, once he gets his son back, he can finally give him his birthday present.

    Of course, that plan goes tits-up about third of the way through the game, but I don’t remember any of this end-of-the-universe crap…

    • http://twitter.com/TalesFanGirl TalesFanGirl

      I think it’s mentioned maybe once or twice in the game in passing, but I don’t remember them going into explicit detail on how where the chick came from. But then again, I could be wrong, it’s been a while since I played FF13.

      • Andrew Phillips

        Actually, there’s a an entire section of the game based around Sazh and Dajh’s (his son’s) backstory and relationship and how Vanille fits into the story. You spend 2-3 hours walking around the place where Sazh bought the chick in the first place, complete with flashbacks and lots of character interaction. It is by far the best part of the game, plot-wise at least, and ends with a surprisingly emotional scene. It was then that I realized that Sazh was the most interesting character in the game. And they wasted it.

        And for those wondering, the chocobo chick is female and called Chocolina. Now play XIII-2 with that information… or don’t, cos the games suck.

        • Gregory Bogosian

          You just caused ripples in destiny and a hurricane in Eden by revealing the chocobo chick’s true identity. That is going to be a pain to clean up on January 1st 2013.

        • Budgiecat

          Maybe Chocolina was initially supposed to be in the first game who knows, but there is no hint or mention of her whatsoever in XIII. Of course we know XIII-2 is like bad fan fiction for XIII and made up mostly from leftover scraps of it so…

  • http://www.facebook.com/chase.paul.77 Chase Paul

    Hell’s Yeah! The BEST way to ready for a New Year!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nash-Knight/740228999 Nash Knight

      My thoughts exactly. Thank you Spoony, you made my new years day even better!

  • http://www.facebook.com/daniel.durham.7 Daniel Durham

    yay just got back from 4 days confinement to a hospital bed and was looking forward to something to help me laugh away the pain. thanks for continuing with this review even if it as excrutiating for you as my kneecap is to me.

  • AtlasRedux

    Yay!
    Was checking not long ago, and guessed there wouldn’t be something nice from Spoony before new year and was planning to take a nap to prepare to stay up laaaaaate.
    Of course, I had to just check once more, and BEHOLD, FFXIII Part 2! *pops a beer*

  • Jeff Albert

    I figured it out!
    This entire game takes placing while someone is using the “Infinite Improbability Drive”!!! That must be it!

    • Atmos_Duality

      No, that made far too much sense. At least there, chaos theory was upheld.
      Here, it’s just dull characters doing stupid things because the plot says so.

  • http://twitter.com/TalesFanGirl TalesFanGirl

    Love the N7 t-shirt, Spoony :)

    While I still don’t think FF13 is THAT bad, I will not, under any circumstances, defend Vanille and Hope’s stupid weapons. You have the main character wielding a gun-blade, a guy who wields two pistols that turn into a big rifle, but they gave Hope and Vanille a fishing rod and a boomerang? I know that they’re mages, but I don’t care, those weapons are still flipping stupid.

  • Spirit Macardi

    You know the messed up thing? I just found out that Snow is voiced by Troy Baker. In other words, Kanji from Persona 4!

    How did they manage to get such a bad performance out of such a great actor? This would be like finding out Wakka shared a voice with Bender from Futurama.

    …wait…

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Kanji’s a more interesting character than Snow.

      • http://www.schadenfreudestudios.com/ Amesang

        If Wiki is anything to go by, John DiMaggio (Bender, Wakka) also voices some Cocoon inhabitants and Gilgamesh in “XIII-2.”

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          And Lightning’s the new Shadow Broker.

          • Ryan Jewell

            wait lighting is liara HOLY SHIT MY MIND IS BLOWN!

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            The Grav-Con Unit, Lightning uses, is instant biotics with a click of a finger.

            WAIT! Even better, a Lightning/Liara fanfic.

          • Gborr

            I noticed it just by ear. It was pretty obvious. :P

      • Spirit Macardi

        I’m not arguing the opposite at all! Kanji’s an amazing character and probably one of the most well-done examples of wrestling with sexuality not just in games, but fiction in-general.

        I’m just amazed at how Square somehow managed to make a Troy Baker performance suck. He’s a fantastic VA with a ton of experience, and I know he can do far better.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Troy sounded great as Two-Face.

    • doresh

      I guess he didn’t give a shit XD

    • Ryan Jewell

      god that would be like hearing Vic mingniona voiced jar jar binks

    • http://electricsistahood.com KL

      Not a bad performance. He’s playing the character perfectly: a dumb surfer douche.

    • jesseastle

      Because Atlus actually cares about character and plot?

    • http://twitter.com/TheInfoBubble InformationBubble

      Guys please stop you are BREAKING MY BRAIN.

      WHY IS BENDER WAKKA.

    • draxo

      Even the greatest actor can’t polish a turd enough that its not a turd.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mads-Bolding-Fenger-Poulsen/1513209391 Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

      He’s playing a character that most people would try to avoid – And his performance makes me want to avoid him. I think that’s a spot on job!

    • http://twitter.com/Barraind Stephen Ryan

      I am utterly amazed at the amount of common voice actors in video games, when the majority of them are exceptionally bad, Also, he isnt the only p4/FF crossover.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mary-Sulkowski/1063430223 Mary Sulkowski

    Maybe the Fal’Cie are giant neon Weeping Angels. And the people in Bodumb are just massively unobservant or all in denial. Like Snow.

    [Insert AngelsInManhattanJoke.jpg]

  • http://twitter.com/dmh3000 David Herbert

    If you hate the trench coat idea, you’re going to hate Domain Tnemrot, which has the same thing, but with bands that make the wearers super powerful. And gives them cancer.

    Also, what was that song at the end. Sounded almost like Smells Like Teen Spirit.

    • Drak

      Because it is. It’s a Spanish cover of Teen Spirit that can be heard in the background of Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90’s Otaku Kid’s scene.

      • zanmaru

        That’s cool. Anyone have the band though so I can hunt this down, since Spoony didn’t bother to credit it?

      • http://twitter.com/dmh3000 David Herbert

        Okay, thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/AlreadyRendered Timmy S.

    Wait….was that a Spanish version of Smells Like Teen Spirit at the end there?

    • http://www.facebook.com/cartmann94 Gilbert Cortes Guzman

      Yep, a mexican version. if you want to hear it in its full horror, copy/paste on Youtube for Tropikal Forever- Herido de Nauyaca. But the lyrics have nothing to do with the nirvana original, only the music.

  • http://tpbtavern.blogspot.com/ Farson89

    Ironically, Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90’s Otaku Kid is a more interesting character than the entire cast of FF13.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mary-Sulkowski/1063430223 Mary Sulkowski

      Plus, I’m pretty sure FF13’s soundtrack didn’t have any Spanish-language covers of “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        No but the main battle theme in XIII is awesome.

        • dragonfly82

          It’s the only track I remember from FFXIII and although quite good they used it to death in promos and trailers….

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=13748455 facebook-13748455

            Don’t forget “Fighting Fate”. That track is really good too

        • http://www.facebook.com/san.shinobi San Shinobi

          XIII-2’s boss theme is metal. Metal is the bacon of musical compliments ^_^

          • Christopher Smith

            If by bacon you mean “is devoid of any nutrition and will cause your veins to clog up if consumed enough”, metal is indeed like bacon. Especially when it’s shoehorned into games where it doesn’t belong.

          • Kris

            Go back to defending your lawn from the scourge of youth.

          • Jayden Reynolds

            Go listen to Control Denied or Cynic and come back. If progressive, brainy stuff isn’t your thing, go listen to some second-wave black metal (Darkthrone!) and its cold, calculated simplicity.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

          Yeah it is awesome, as it is an extended copy of Unlimited Saga. The violins are especially noticeable.

          FFXIII Blinded by Light
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfu0XBf8kmk

          Unlimited Saga MBT
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vF5Q_hJVzA

          The trumpet work is what really makes these similar.

          FFXIII To Hunt L’Cie.
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwLKib2gYkg&list=PL8AD300462D07864C

          Unlimited Saga Finale BT
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ouv4aS_Pz2k

          Lightning’s Theme is a much softer Overture from Unlimited Saga done as a piano rather than main trumpet mix.

          FFXIII Lightning’s Theme
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q1r2kdARCw&list=PL8AD300462D07864C

          Unlimited Saga Overture
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISDCvZpYaG0&playnext=1&list=PLFBEC587F85ED09A1&feature=results_main

          These are the ones that sound most alike IMO, but a lot of the tracks from both OSTs have a similar vibe to them.

        • Jose Buenrostro

          so the bird is doctor who?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      You dare disrespect Sazh the Man?

    • http://twitter.com/LoveFNDeluxe Lv6792VesselOfHatred

      that isn’t ironic at all. if anything, it’s completely within all reasonable expectations. everyone knows spoony’s characters are better than squenix’s

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=753345456 Octo Seven

        No that is ironic, it’s just most people don’t understand the meaning of the word.

        • Jayden Reynolds

          Such as yourself. Irony is basically sarcasm, the difference being it can be unintentional. In this case, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect Spoony’s characters to be more interesting, because Square’s characters as of late (as in the last ten years, but I digress) suck.

          Go watch Bender define irony.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1317991587 Marisa Mockery

            i·ro·ny
            /ˈīrənē/
            NounThe
            expression of one’s meaning by using language that normally signifies
            the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.

            Definition of SARCASM
            1
            : a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain
            2a : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual

            Irony’s something sarcasm uses. When you’re saying one thing and you mean another. Sarcasm’s using cutting remarks and such to drive a point home. Candide would be a better example than Bender. All Bender knows is how to be sarcastic. He can’t actually handle true irony that well.

            THE SHOW on the other hand can have some good ironic moments. Mostly with Fry…..

          • Jayden Reynolds

            I meant when Bender literally read the dictionary definition of irony in finale of the original run of the show. “The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention – now, that, IS irony!”

            I was oversimplifying the definition of a surprisingly complex topic for the sake of explaining it to Octo there.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        Remember back when final fantasy was awesome? Remember playing final fantasy 3 on the SNES for the first time, and getting lost in the drama and excitement and the fun of upgrading your weapons and armor? When the plot was amazing? When you didn’t MIND grinding because it let you see more of the story? Man, I wish we had that again.

    • Jayden Reynolds

      I feel like I can summon that in Scribblenauts.

      …Be right back.

      • zhellas

        Did you?

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carter-Rosen/100000411432755 Carter Rosen

          we all did.

        • Jayden Reynolds

          Couldn’t get him to be drunk, but he was a Latino Cyborg Otaku Kid. Close.

    • Lockgar

      Well of course he is. We have a frame of reference to what he is and what he does. We know what Drunk, Mexican, Cyborg, Early 90’s Otaku Kid all are. The only thing that is of any question is how is he Stereo-typically? Is he a SteroType of Drunk Mexicans, or Drunk Cyborgs, all all of the above?

      So despite being given a full description of what his deal is, we still can have so many questions that could be solved. Why is he there with Spoony. Why does he drink? How did he become a cyborg? What makes him an Otaku? How Mexican is he and does he know Joe.

      • Segatron

        His Stereotype is my Stereotype too-ooh

        Whenever we go out, The Hot Babes scream and shout “DMC 90’s Otakuuuuuuu” Aye ya-ya-ya-ya!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        lol at the does he know Joe comment. clever.

      • Vismutti

        No, there was an explanation: He’s Spoony’s heroin induced hallucination. That’s all the explanation I need.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Martin/1596700226 Stephen Martin

      Makes more sense too.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Didn’t you already put up this comment?

    • Guest

      It is interesting… but it fucked me up trying to process it.
      Like gazing on glorious Cthulhu, Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90’s Otaku Kid drove me into insane and my typing fingers are turning into worming loaves of bread as I satt haree um ‘y cha’37 +& unk’ sh’ver wuz5 wr1ette om’goaudd=xelo’tath

    • Guest

      It is interesting… but it fucked me up trying to process it.
      Like
      gazing upon glorious Cthulhu, looking and listening to Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early
      90’s Otaku Kid drove me into insanity and my typing fingers are turning
      into worming loaves of bread as I satt haree um ‘y cha’37 +& unk’
      sh’ver wuz5 wr1ette om’goaudd=xelo’tath

    • Kendotuxedo

      It is interesting… but he fucked me up trying to process it.
      Like gazing upon glorious Cthulhu, looking and listening to Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90’s Otaku Kid drove me into insanity and my typing fingers are turning into worming loaves of bread as I satt haree um ‘y cha’37 +& unk’ sh’ver wuz5 wr1ette om’goaudd=xelo’tath

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      You already made this comment.

    • http://twitter.com/anceldelambert Aaron Kerr

      Ese!!

    • Soliduz

      we should have more cameo of this guy when ever Spoony mentions something in a fiction that doesn’t make mind fucking sense

    • doresh

      I think we had that comment before XD

  • http://twitter.com/SebastianLundh1 Sebastian Lundh

    Wonderful review as always man! However, may I suggest that you start recapping the story and character relationships at the beginning of the review, because sometimes, not always, I can get slightly confused about what’s happening.

    Once again, great review; you were clear about the confusing character motivations and stuff, and the jokes made me laugh.

  • http://twitter.com/Fred_The_Dead Fredrik Lindberg

    I laughed hard when Hope showed his boomerang up his ass. *SPLOISH*

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Daniel-Williams/683533109 Daniel Williams

    Lightning is indeed the only good character in this game. She punches Snow for his stupidity, trains a kid how to fight because he wants to kill Snow and reacts to her becoming a L’Cie by waging a one woman war against the world. God I love her.

    All the others characters though make me puke green slime.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      What about Sazh and Fang? Sazh’s is the only sane man and Fang’s an amazon/lesbian.

      • Budgiecat

        That was pretty much my team throughout the game Lightning, Fang and Sazh. Fuck the rest

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          The rest were annoying as shit in their own special way.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Daniel-Williams/683533109 Daniel Williams

            Special points for Vanielle who causally strolled and laughed about like a retard during an exodus/mass murder of an innocent populous.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Deacon-Hagan/100002190854170 Deacon Hagan

    I think you described Highlander: The Source

  • http://www.facebook.com/dan.colts Dan Colts

    I’m having serious Heavy Rain flashbacks.

    JAY-SON!!?

    • Kendotuxedo

      Damn! You beat me to it

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Binku-Muja/100003653927147 Binku Muja

        All you need is a slag reporter to blow every dick in a hundred mile radius, plus gratuitous nude shower scenes and you’ll realise this is just Heavy Rain with a skin mod…..wait, Jessica Chobot doesn’t appear in FFXIII does she? Because I threw in the towel at Fangs esperse battle so I wouldn’t know personally if she somehow managed to whore her way into this monstrosity.

  • golden izanagi

    the concept of snow’s “super powers” is just kinda stupid but then again thinking about it I am now wondering to myself on how wakka from ff10 is able to fight giant monsters and gods with just a ball, and as for the datalog (I am aware I have commented on allot) again this is why previous final fantasies or other rpg’s were fun to play they at least didn’t demand that you pause the game and refer to mountains of text to find out lightning was a cop, and if people are gonna go “well games like mass effect and xenosaga had those datalog things” true but in those games things were done to explain what was going on it didn’t tell you after every cutscene or boss battle to refer to there mountains of text just to find out oh hey “spectres are handpicked badasses by the government to help fight crime by any means they deem necessary” or in xenosagas case “kos-mos is a robot built to help fight inter dimensional aliens” there simple.

    • BringTheFate

      Yeah, Xenosaga’s datalog was more if you were either really interested in the universe’s history (especially in 3) or forgot some of the basic information between three games’ releases. It’s not that hard to just explain it away in a simple character conversation without leaving people to do the work themselves.

      • golden izanagi

        of course in a series in which you travel with a guy who is implied to be jesus, and people constantly using divine artifacts to control space and time I find the datalog in there is quite handy.

        • BringTheFate

          And trying to figure out why there’s a little girl running around that only a few people can see since they only answered that question in side material that was never localized. I love the datalogs, but it is still only supplemental to the main story.

  • http://www.facebook.com/bruno.a.marques Bruno Alves Marques

    LOVE it, have never laughed so hard, thank you Spoony for my New Years first Laugh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Farshnuke Gordon Jones

    Spoony, It’s just funny to see you take the piss out of the game but Lightning does look pretty cool

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      You won’t see Lightning laughing like Tidus. Why didn’t Auron punched Tidus before?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1409661489 Alex Dunn

    I still care. I’m still angry. Wish I wasn’t. But I am. Keep on going, Spoony. You’ve barely cracked open the reasons of why I hate this game.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    Ugh! I get it! The chocobo is Chocalina from XIII-2 but THAT twist doesn’t come unless you buy the Sazh DLC and you have to go look for other chocobo. Man that guy deserved something better to do than just play cards.

    I’m happy you also acknowledge Snow is a retard and I’m even happier that you actually like Lightning because she hates his guts and punches him three times though she should’ve just chopped his leg off and beat him to death until his head explodes. Serah’s a moron too since the manual establishes her as a smart character, meaning should’ve stayed away from the Pulse fal’Cie.

    Vanille’s weapon? I don’t even wanna know because it looks shitty. It would’ve been better if Vanille and Hope had no weapons and only served as support like Synergy, Saboteur, Medic and maybe Ravager.

    Also, the COAT makes Snow stronger? I never knew that and I played XIII twice (twice because my old PS3 died on me and I thought I needed the save data of XIII finished in order to get whatever content for XIII-2, which were pretty damn insulting).

    Motomu Toriyama, the man behind X and X-2, directed XIII. Why HIM? At least Yoshinori Kitase made the themes clear in IV, VII and VIII. Kitase should’ve directed XIII instead. IF XIII was to ever get a 16-bit demake for it’s 10th anniversary, the story should be better told.

    Lightning is an undercover cop with augmentations (hence why she can jump a lot) because a terrorist named Snow attacked where she worked and destroyed Lightning’s legs with mysterious magic and now she’s out for revenge against Snow. I just made a better scenario and I’m doing essential skills on literature because my english results weren’t high enough for the college I went to in order to do Art.

    Final Fantasy XIII should’ve had more time in development to be done right, it’s story should’ve been made BEFORE handing it up on what the Final Fantasy should be. Was Toriyama picking his nose the whole time after X-2? I wish XIII was just about three characters (Lightning, Sazh and Fang) with the story being 20-30 hours long while the other three serve as supporting characters. Sazh would’ve made a better narrator than Vanille because he’s much like Kyon from Haruhi Suzumiya, both are normal (sane) guys surrounded by a bunch of crazy shit.

    Lightning’s not even that much of a bitch (a badass bitch though) since she had every right to be mad at Snow and Serah because she (supposedly) worked her ass off to provide for her and Serah since they got the “parents kicked the bucket” card from the hat of JRPG tropes. Lightning at least knew when to help others and even swallow her pride. The game should’ve put more focus on Lightning as a character (not all the actions scenes we’ve seen) and you would’ve gotten a character who could’ve been up there with Kefka, Vivi and Auron, but no we got FORBIDDEN LOVE between Lightning’s mentally-retarded sister and a Jersey Shore-wannabe.

    You’re not going to like XIII further in. I can tell you that. Tidus was your main problem in X-2 and I know you’ll bitch about the moogle in XIII-2 nevermind the sudden change of where Lightning is.

    • Maria White

      OH OH OH! I got one!
      That kid whats his name, he see’s his mom die because of Snow and decides to follow him with his mentally challenged sister in order to make Snow feel guilty about their mothers death. But since Snow doesn’t give two shits he goes on with them only to gain exp and get strong enough to strangle Snow in his sleep!
      See? PERFECT!

      AAAAAnnnd!
      That Afro guy, is actually already a fal’cie infiltrating the group so that he can push them towards no longer becoming threats! He was forced into it to save his son, and uses his ghost powers of pure rage in order to murder everyone in the goriest way imaginable and then bites the head off that little chocobo to achieve God-hood and then pisses on the world starting the end of the world in a sea of yellow liquid!

      Wait…. what? Did that make more sense then the plot of the game?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        I like the first paragraph. Second one, not so much.

        • Maria White

          Yeah, I was a bit drunk when i wrote that. New Years and all ya know.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Kakemanz DavidJohn Oberhofer

    Spoony, you’re a greater man than I. I could only stand to play this “game” for about 4 hours. (thank god I only had it rented since I was sure it was going to suck) The long drawn out cutscenes that explain NOTHING and only serve as a way to try and drive the fucked up narrative forward, the stale uninvolving combat, and the sheer amount that doesn’t explain core mechanics in the story. I just couldn’t take it.

    One of my friends told me that the game gets better, and the first bit is just drawn out, things get explained more, it becomes less linear in the sense that there are sidequests, the combat becomes more involving. She told me it took about 15 hours to get to this point… 15 fucking hours? No thank you. I can have many of my favourite games done %100 in that time or less. But to take 15 hours to get out of the tutorial-feeling-being-kept-in-the-dark-about-everything-linear BULLSHIT, is just plain BULLSHIT. My god though, if you decided to skip every single cutscene, that 15 hours would probably be down to about 2 hours, of solid gameplay, but you can’t do that. You just can’t skip the cutscenes in a game like this, you painstakingly sit through every single one HOPING to get the tiniest morsel of explanation about ANYTHING.

    Now of course there are the logs that you can read to explain stuff, now I think I can tell the origin of this. It’s all from the kingdom hearts games. I’ve been a fan of that series since day one, played every single game that they’ve spit out, no matter how stupid, or little it contributed to the overarching story (I’m looking at you, re:coded) And in those games the logs serve as a multipurpose informational tool by 1) recapping what happened in previous games, perhaps to refresh your memory, or if in case you decided to jump in half way through. 2) giving deeper insight to character motivations/lore of the world around you that is already decently fleshed out (ie. ansem’s files). and 3) keeping a log of key points so you can reference them without searching through the internet/strategy guides ect. in case you forget or take a prolonged break from the game only to come back to it and forget everything that you’ve learned in the game. Square Enix, saw the success with the kingdom hearts logs and got lazy. Instead of using it as a tool that the player can use along side the game if they so wish, they instead chose to make the logs the be-all end-all to the game explanations and narrative. In kingdom hearts, the only time I read the logs, is when I wanted to, is when I was genuinely interested in what they had to say to shed some light on the more mysterious elements, NOT because I had to in order to fucking understand the slightest thing about ANYTHING in the fucking game.

    Spoony, you are the only one. You really are. I’ve watched other reviews of this game, they didn’t even bother getting much further than I did. When professional reviewers cannot get much further than a few hours into the game, you know there’s trouble. And well, from what I know of your style, the fact that this review is partially out now, that means you’ve most likely finished the game, which is unfortunate. But really, you’re the only one left, the only people against you are drooling zombies that will shell out $60 as soon as they see “square enix” on a game box, and other than that, there’s nobody who cares enough about this series anymore. This game is proof, that final fantasy, is well and forever, dead as shit.

    • http://twitter.com/trivianinja Ian Fay

      15 hours to get to the interersting stuff? That reminds me of the time a friends recommended a book series to me, but said even though I had to read book one, which was 700 pages, it didn’t get good until book two.

      Bzzzt. Thank you for playing.

      • Whaleshooter

        Did that book series happen to be wheel of time? Because that’s exactly what I was told too. I read one and a half chapter out of that big-ass book before thinking: “No! Not worth it”

        • David Harris

          I got about 3 books into the series before giving up. The characters just get less and less likeable as it goes on.

          • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.owens.5872 Jeremy Owens

            Eh? The first book of Wheel of Time starts out strong, and 2 and 3 move along at a pretty good clip too. It’s 4-7 that most people give up on because they’re a hellish mess to slog through, mostly because he’ll spend 2 pages describing Nynaeve’s and Elayne’s clothing (which is a shame, because 8 and 9 are alright and 10 onward were REALLY good).

            Maybe you just don’t like reading that much.

          • Kinigget

            shut the fuck up.
            I *tried* reading wheel of time, I actually managed the first trilogy. I wished death on every single character by the end but I made it through the first three books. I have book four, I made it maybe four chapters before I gave up out of sheer disgust, and it wasn’t because of descriptive language (I fucking *adore* Tolkein for fuck’s sake) It was because I actively hated all the characters, something that has never happened to me before or since.

            Don’t you *dare* tell me I “just don’t like reading”.

          • Guest

            Err.. Just so you know, Tolkien isn’t that descriptive language, as you seem to think it is. Tolkien simply does not spend very much time writing about the dresses, landscape or architecture (however it’s written) of middle earth ( in his novels that is, I know he designed much more that what he wrote in his books).

            If you want descriptive language, read Lovecraft – some of of the longer stuff like (At the?) Mountains of madness – or Virginia Woolf.

            But I agree that wheel of time isn’t for everyone, I was about 14 ( and stupid, wasserkopf, etc ) when I started reading it and got addicted, but luckily it’s going to end the day after tomorrow so I guess my point is… Hate it if you want, but I prefer loving stuff.

            And one more thing.. I hate ( a lot) every character that has ever been in Robin Hobbs books, yet – to my own amazement – I love her books. Life if odd sometimes.

          • Guest

            Err.. Just so you know, Tolkien isn’t that descriptive language, as you seem to think it is. Tolkien simply does not spend very much time writing about the dresses, landscape or architecture (however it’s written) of middle earth ( in his novels that is, I know he designed much more that what he wrote in his books).

            If you want descriptive language, read Lovecraft – some of of the longer stuff like (At the?) Mountains of madness – or Virginia Woolf.

            But I agree that wheel of time isn’t for everyone, I was about 14 ( and stupid, wasserkopf, etc ) when I started reading it and got addicted, but luckily it’s going to end the day after tomorrow so I guess my point is… Hate it if you want, but I prefer loving stuff.

            And one more thing.. I hate ( a lot) every character that has ever been in Robin Hobbs books, yet – to my own amazement – I love her books. Life is odd sometimes.

          • Kinigget

            Eh, I actually agree about Tolkien, but I’ve heard his writing called “overly descriptive” a lot so I figured I’d use it as an example. And it’s not *just* that I hated the characters, there was also a lot of deus ex machina storytelling as I recall. There’s more, but it doesn’t really matter, I just got really annoyed at that last line.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Kaufman/1811270839 Ryan Kaufman

            You had me until that last line. Way to be pretentious because someone doesn’t enjoy a book you like.
            I really like Lolita by Nabokov, but many people think he’s a bore to read. It’s preference. If you “Don’t like reading” you wouldn’t read in the first place.

          • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.owens.5872 Jeremy Owens

            Yeah I dunno why I said that to be honest. I think it was early morning and I write stupid stuff early in the morning. =/

      • Maria White

        I got told that for a ‘book’ called Sunshine.

        Worst book I have ever read, only because of ONE thing. One simple thing that an editor with a FRAKING BRAIN WOULD SEE!

        That is… thirty…. yes THIRTY PLUS pages of back story for a five page of actual plot. I don’t give a rats ass about how the main character likes to bake cookies or whatever. I DO NOT CARE!
        I wouldn’t care so much if EVERYONE that has read the book near me told me it was one of their favorite books and ANYTHING put out by that author is automatically worth of awards.

        Sounds just like rabid square fans huh?

    • capthavic

      Yeah having those additional info entry logs in the side aren’t a bad thing when done right. Just look at the Mass Effect games. There are tons of text and even audio logs that you can uncover that help in fleshing out the universe and backstory for the different races in it. But the key thing is they are NEVER mandatory to read just to follow the story. Everything is properly explained and shown through the games narrative.

      And even though RPG’s are known for being far longer than most other games, 15 hours till it “gets good” is just insane. Only the most deranged or masochistic could put up with a game that isn’t fun for that long. If it takes longer than 2 hours to ditch the training wheels and get everything up to speed then you have failed as story tellers and game designers!

      When you get down to it FF13 is a living example of what happens when you try to tell a story with no audience proxy in it. All of the characters already know or don’t bother to question anything so the audience is completely lost. If the story can’t be bothered to explain anything about anything then why should we care? And when gameplay fails to engage that leaves the ever increasing question in the back of your mind…WHY AM I PLAYING THIS?

      I honestly tried to give the game a chance but after only a few hours I just gave up and never looked back.

      • http://twitter.com/Tony7wsfk Tony

        The game doesn’t even get better at that point either. I played all the way through. I saw the “The End” screen. If anything, it gets worse, because you’re given about 10+ minutes of cutscenes and dialogue at the half way point that add even more useless information to the plot, making you more confused and lost than ever before. The only things that are better at all are some of the more climatic scenes and music. But isn’t that what action movies are for?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Smooker/100001851743299 Ben Smooker

        I completed the game.
        Weirdly at the time I liked some of the characters and I as interested in the struggle they were going through. But after time passed I realised just how stupid the whole thing was.

        I kinda enjoyed the story, but anything that wasn’t story was just duuuuullllllllllll.

        • http://www.facebook.com/Kakemanz DavidJohn Oberhofer

          I believe what you’ve experienced is known as “maturing”. I once thought that androgynous leads that were all emo and loners were cool as hell, then I experienced “maturing” and well… Not so much anymore (Not to say that I think ff7 8 and 9 are bad, I just don’t value them as much anymore.)

          • http://twitter.com/StevenBanta Steven Banta

            Zidane from FF9 was actually a very enjoyable character, and not exactly androgynous. Though his design arguably may have been, the character was written as a very likable, magnanimous, and outgoing personality. He was witty, clever, and loved the ladies. He certainly wasn’t the brooding emo type that Squall and (arguably Cloud) were.

          • http://www.facebook.com/Kakemanz DavidJohn Oberhofer

            Yeah I know, I just didn’t really feel like explaining all that at the time. His face, hair, and body type all scream androgynous, but his personality is nowhere near it.

          • http://twitter.com/RebornAleph Vincent Brooks

            I don’t see what’s so “androgynous” about any of those protagonists. Nobody (at least, no one in the target and vast majority of the nontarget audience) would ever look at Cloud and say it’s a woman. Likewise, only an ape would look at Squall and say it’s a girl. I might understand Zidane, due to his hair and the folds of his pants looking like deformed curves that just didn’t translate well with the PlayStation’s graphical limitations, but upon closer inspection, again, only an idiot would ever confuse Zidane for a girl. And I’m fairly certain you’re not talking about Lightning, or any protagonist from X forward, because those are already pretty well defined to have their gender explicit. I honestly think you people throw that word around without really realising what the word actually means.

            I don’t disagree with you, mind you. The “loner and emo”, and the well known “unrealistically stubborn and immature” stereotypes is starting to get stale, but it can be done extremely well. I’m not saying I like it, I’m saying it can be done well; just take a look at Haseo from dotHack, or Luke fon Fabre from Tales of the Abyss. Both are extremely annoying characters that experience a maturation into something else. The same can be said for Squall. Spoony here clearly has a very negative emotion toward FFVIII, and I can understand that. As far as we know, Spoony’s life wasn’t exactly sugar and rainbows, and maybe FFVIII popped up in a time when he just wasn’t at his best, and it reflected on how he saw things. I know this to happen; I’ve come to realise that some games aren’t that bad, but I still can’t – to this very day – enjoy them, due to the emotional charge that they have, at the time when I played them.

            “Maturing” doesn’t mean anything. Our tastes may or may not change, and that is absolutely, most definitely NOT an indication of how we mature as people. Because, that would mean we wouldn’t like anything for more than six months, and whereas we may not like the same games, we certainly still enjoy games themselves.

          • http://www.facebook.com/Kakemanz DavidJohn Oberhofer

            Well by all definition of the word, squall and cloud aren’t completely androgynous, but the terrabytes of rule 63 porn of the both of them shows just how fine of a line they are on. Then a note about 9, it’s not so much zidane that I take issue with, but Kuja, I seriously wasn’t sure whether he was a guy or a girl, and even when it was confirmed in text I still wasn’t entirely sure.

            And all I really meant by the maturing is not that one’s taste would always be changing, but that the newer final fantasy games are usually embraced by those with a less mature mentality. I mean our core personality and tastes will always be there, but you simply won’t get the same enjoyment out of watching the tv shows that you did when you were 5 as you would now, and vice versa. An example perhaps would be the fact that most of the people that I’ve met that say ff7 and on are “the best games evar” are also the same people that are likely to make weird noises at you pretending to be a dinosaur. Sure I enjoy 7-9 but by no means are they the best games ever, and certainly not the best final fantasy games.

          • capthavic

            Funny how many things we thought were cool and funny as kids before one day you get up and it strikes you “Wow…this is really, really bad/stupid!” XD

          • http://www.facebook.com/Kakemanz DavidJohn Oberhofer

            Yep, but that’s just the way life goes. I mean like, ask anyone who grew up in the 70s about tye-dye shirts and platform shoes.

      • http://www.facebook.com/Kakemanz DavidJohn Oberhofer

        Well the thing is, even if it takes an rpg a while to “ditch the training wheels” that doesn’t mean the intro can’t be interesting and fun. If you have interesting characters and overall game design, you can hammer your audience with information constantly for hours on end and have it not even feel like it. A good way that I’ve seen games do this is implement a little known thing called, open exploration (yeah they REALLY fucking dropped the ball on that when they decided to take that out.)

        Honestly, a whole lot of the games issues could be sorted out with open exploration, but we can’t have that anymore. If you want to play final fantasy you better sit your ass down on the plot railway, and buckle in for a LONG ride.. Final fantasy used to be so much more involving, you went town to town talking to every npc just to soak up every bit of knowledge that you could so you could maybe find some secrets down the line (ff13? secrets? lol…) or view the impact of the events of the game are having on the overall atmosphere (endless narrow hallways are effected very little) and just because it’s plain interesting.

    • http://www.facebook.com/foster.daviessmith Foster Davies-Smith

      The truly sickening problem with 15 hours to get good is that it’s only at all excusable on a long running tv series. And even then, it is only excusable when the show has something unique. Vague science setting with an impressive art style is not unique, the star wars prequels were that and those three movies were giant steel toed boots right into the crotch of the fanbase. If we were to look at things in the episode order it would take about 4 hours to get to the good stuff starting from episode one to make it to four and even for the glory of the original trilogy, that is an inexcusable wait.

      • http://www.facebook.com/Kakemanz DavidJohn Oberhofer

        15 hours for ANY entertainment media to get good is too long. Just think about what you could do with 15 hours, besides something you hate. Not sure what it is where you live, but where I live minimum wage is $10. You could work for 14 hours, make $130 – $115 or so after taxes are taken off, and for 1 hour have yourself a 3 hooker gangbang with the money you’d have earned. Sure, you’d likely end up with some sort of infection, and many of those last forever, But memories of this terrible game don’t seem to be disappearing any time soon either.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1441642492 JoeCB91

      I couldn’t even make it past and hour and a half before I turned the damn thing off

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Smooker/100001851743299 Ben Smooker

      15 hours? She must have speed ran that. Took me way longer to get to the supposed “interesting” bit, and even then it wasn’t interesting in the slightest. Still didn’t feel like a final fantasy game. It felt like crap that was added on sufference. It’s not like in FFX where you get the airship and suddenly things feel more opened up. It’s like being dumped in the Calm Lands and being told to go have fun. Only the Calm Lands are 10x bigger. And there’s no-one to talk to. And the side quests suck.

  • http://twitter.com/LoveFNDeluxe Lv6792VesselOfHatred

    “Have you ever seen any movie that required you to frequently hit the pause button and then go fuck off and read Wikipedia entries (…) aside from Dune?” do shitty animu movies count?

  • http://www.facebook.com/manuel.wolf.94 Manuel Wolf

    from the creators of a catrobot that uses a megaphone while riding an oversized moogle robot, the w.m.d.l. (or wrist-mounted-dog-launcher for you civilians out there), a creature of ambigous gender that does nothing but eating and attacks even the ancient evil from beyond time with nothing but a fork and of course the deadliest weapon of all time; the blitzball, now comes: the folding deer antler whipstick!
    now the careful observer may have noticed that i did not referrence a weapon from final fantasy xii. for you, i have two words: vaan’s outfit.
    i actually thought people who live in the desert have to cover up as much of their body as possible, to avoid overexposure to the sun and that you can’t climb a mountain during a snowstorm while wearing a sleaveless vest that doesn’t even cover your bellybutton.
    oh and if one of the first scenes you’re in establishes you to be a thief and you still feel the need to wear armour, WHY do you need to wear it exclusively on your hands and legs, the parts of your body that would actually need to be moved as freely as possible if you want to effectively pickpocket or run away.
    bottom line: final fantasy is getting more and insane with every installment and yet the games keep getting insanely good ratings and stay commercially successful. it’s mind blowing.

    • Internet’s Frank

      Vaan’s outfit is nothing compared to Basch’s freaky leather lapels.

      HOW THE HELL DO YOU PLAN ON LAYING LOW WHEN YOU HAVE THE LOUDEST OUTFIT IN A LAND OF LOUD OUTFITS?!

      • http://www.facebook.com/manuel.wolf.94 Manuel Wolf

        which is especially weird, considering he is the only guy ever shown to actually CHANGE his clothes. if you wanted to, you could say that vaan is just poor and that’s the only set of clothes he owns, but basch chose (!) to wear that.

        • Internet’s Frank

          He doesn’t even swap back to armor when he stops his pathetic attempt at subterfuge and acknowledges he’s still alive.

          I just… ugh, hate that design. Vaan may have sprayed on abs to look like a big boy, but at least the design is consistent. Basch is like someone designed him with clip art.

  • Abicion

    Anyone who defends Radagast’s appearance in An Unexpected Journey is in no position to criticize Vanille’s deer antlers.

    • zhellas

      What do you mean?

  • http://twitter.com/CraigAA CraigAA

    Remember that Stephen King joke from Family Guy? You know, the one where he runs out of ideas, grabs a lamp, and starts talking about a scary lamp monster while the executive he’s talking to just sighs and agrees to it?

    That pretty much sums up the pitch meetings for the Final Fantasy series at this point.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Maybe with Motomu Toriyama, yes.

  • Jayden Reynolds

    I’m unfortunately one of those people who obsessively reads through the codices of any game that has one – Mass Effect, Metroid Prime series, whatever. If I were to play FFXIII and like the gameplay (which is unlikely considering I hate JRPGs), I’d probably obsessively read that codex too.

    Speaking of gameplay… you haven’t really touched on it yet Spoony. Hopefully that’s in part III, but this is turning out like FFVIII… everything is wrong here.

  • Guus van Voorst

    Vanille’s weapon reminds of a Scourge from D&D, only more retarded…

  • http://www.facebook.com/daniel.j.haughton Daniel Joseph Haughton

    Is it just me, or does the title card make Spoony look like 70’s era Geddy Lee?

  • Sajeh

    Watched this with a cow-colored ten galon, firework protection glasses, eating beef jerky with a mini-skirt, sandals and speedos. I didn’t feel weird at all.

  • kle4

    This is going to sound crazy, but even though my brief experience of FFXIII before I stopped playing make me totally believe Spoony’s account of how bizarrely structured and terrible the storytelling is, this video actually had me somewhat interested in the game’s ideas.

    Granted, that will likely be because someone has explained a bunch of things for me, and I didn’t have to suffer through 2 hours of interminable gameplay to do it, but I’m still stunned at my own reaction.

  • doresh

    In what kind of setting do you have to deal with sneaky Ninja Gods that would dwarf Godzilla?

    *Sees Snow survive the crash*

    Well, I guess his super trench coat protec…

    *Sees Hope and Vanille surve the crash*

    Oh.

    I really hope you’re wrong and there is an actual explanation for this trench coat. If they can make normal cloth act like friggin’ power armor, then what’s with the normal armor worn by the mooks? Those dude could punch out a Space Marine in Terminator Armor.

    “We live to make the impossible possible!”. Row, row, fight da powa Oo ?!

    Now I want a game about stereotypically-drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90s Otaku Kids…

    • golden izanagi

      that can probably happen in games in which you create your own character and storylines (cant name any at the top of my head right now) and as for the trenchcoat thing it is kinda stupid and i know spoony brought this up in the ffx but i’m surprised he didn’t repeat the fact about wakka using a ball to fight monsters and gods, like how does he make it possible for him to do damage on something like anima http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Anima_(Summon)

      • doresh

        Don’t steal my idea for “Super Ninja Godzilla” XD !

        And blitzball throwing is stupid, but at least some of Wakka’s balls have buzzsaws on them or can petrify their target. At least you can recognize it as a weapon.

  • otter.06

    That was fast o_O
    … and i STILL gonna whine about “Check FFIX plz T_T” 8)

  • Jegsimmons

    DAMN SPOONY!!

    You are on a roll!!!

    Who’s awesome?
    You are!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/thetechno.wolf TheTechno Wolf

    HAAAA HA HA HA HA What’s a datalog ?

    The worst creature ever made : Tidus mixed with the Dumbvatar

  • http://twitter.com/SantaPrime Christopher Miles

    O god you are only at the 2 hour mark. This is actually as far as I got in the game before throwing my hands in the air and declaring “DONE!”. Yeah that line about surviving the fall was the nail in the coffin for me.

  • http://twitter.com/AlKusanagi Al Kusanagi

    It’s not a trench coat, it’s a duster. It’s like a trench coat, but longer, thicker, and far more badass.

  • Neo Kat

    not sure why but I still like this game….For all of the wrong reasons,

    It’s terrible sure, but it almost feels like a blatant insult, its like the game

    is a parody of itself, I’m glad there are guy’s like you to bring light as to

    why games this terrible are still well remembered because of how

    awful they are.

  • Neo Kat

    not sure why but I still like this game….For all of the wrong reasons,
    It’s terrible sure, but it almost feels like a blatant insult, its like the game
    is a parody of itself, I’m glad there are guy’s like you to bring light as to
    why games this terrible are still well remembered because of how
    awful they are

  • http://www.facebook.com/geekultura German Borbon

    I live in Mexico, I know a guy, who is like 20 years old, he is an otaku, I´ve seen him drunk, and let me tell you, your representation is spot on

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carter-Rosen/100000411432755 Carter Rosen

      damn, no cyborg?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    Farroncest.

  • http://cs.uiowa.edu/~nmleytem MetalNick

    I played this piece of shit for 20+ hours and when I was finally able to run around I lost all interest in continuing it. I tried to defend it for awhile but it really is an atrocious game.

  • Princess Stabbity

    Good lord, that’s only 2 hours into the game??? What. The. Hell. It’s giving me a headache just hearing about it at this point. Ugh. Still, great review.

    • Internet’s Frank

      Not really. Most of those exposition flashbacks are later. Everything concerning the rebellion and becoming a fal’Cie (for the group) is the first two hours.

  • http://www.facebook.com/will.mitchell.5811 Will Mitchell

    I’m seeing a scary similarity between the chocobo chick and Boo, Minsc’s pet ‘Space hamster’ from the forgotten realm series… only FFXIII was written by batshit insane Square Enix writers who cant tell the difference between a team mascot and CRACKTASMAGORIA! I now want square Enix to write the plot for a new Forgotten Realms game just for shits and giggles… great. -_-

  • http://twitter.com/Shirokurou Shirokurou

    I actually know the explanation for Vanille’s antler whip and why it was there.
    It was there, cause that was the place woke up from crystal stasis. It was Vanille’s all along and she remembered where she left it.
    Also it’s apparently a fishing rod. Yeah. Throw that to the list of deadly weapons along with the blitzball.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      That doesn’t make the antler whip any better. It’s not that I have no idea what it is but I rather I DON’T want to know because I don’t care because it looks shit.

  • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

    “Magic Trench coat”. Really? You know, actually having “A Wizard Did It” would be more convincing.

    Hell, if I could punch someone’s face into oblivion, and the reason for it was that my Mullet gives me unholy superpowers, THAT is more convincing than “super trench coat”, because you would actually believe that a Mullet could be evil enough to grant those kind of powers to somebody. The most a super powered trench coat could do is flap open more effectively so that you could expose your tiny dick to unsuspecting people passing by. And let’s be honest, Snow looks like the kind of creep that would do that.

    You know what? Just give me Logjammers. I’ll take a fake porno over this ludicrous story. You don’t see Karl Hungus requiring a magic, superpowered tool belt in order to get the job done.

  • PeaTearGryfin

    If your expectation of the look on my face at the chocobo thing was that of uproarious laughter as I fell to the floor then you would be correct. I will say that I am enjoying this game more than Final Fantasy X just because at least the most annoying character keeps receiving bodily harm. Given most of the insane stuff that happens in the Final Fantasy series though, I was also sort of surprised that guns and a sword wouldn’t kill a l’Cie.

  • MichaelT

    I wish Spoony had used the scene from The Lost World where the characters are all calling out for “Sarah!”

  • Anyone00

    Watching these FFXIII vids I get the distinct impression this game was hijacked by one or several concept artist ego(s). It looks like it just put a bunch of stuff together the concept artist(s) though was cool instead of picking and choosing and altering the concept art to match with a world that had some consistent internal logic.

    Heck if the game started the player out in the dark as hook where you wanted to find out the mystery of how this world functions that would have worked: but the developers would have had to give the player something in gameplay so they were not 100% lost and allowed for gradual and organic discovery instead of being trapped in a hallway.

    Snow could work as a character if the game acknowledged early on his dumbly optimistic charge in head first without thinking attitude is what caused his own problems and got people killed around him; if his entire character arc was him realizing how big of a destructive idiot he’s been and then him learning you have to think things out and work hard to earn your happy ending along with making amends for his previous action that have hurt and killed people on his side his character might have worked.

    At the end of the day you can let alot of nonsensical stuff slide if you are actually enjoying the core mechanics of the gameplay.

  • smek2

    Yes. Yes! YESSSS! You made my day with this one. Happy New Year!

  • http://www.schadenfreudestudios.com/ Amesang

    I will never get tired of watching Lightning punch out Snow; hell, I’ll beat the game again now and then just because they repeat the scene several times — during the ending cutscenes, and again during the credits. Awesome.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jfrapart Joel Frapart

    Oh, this video made me so happy. Spoony is funny again! HUZZAH!

  • http://twitter.com/LordGrell Chris Keller

    Ack! Where’s the FF13 repellent bat-spray?!?

  • http://twitter.com/Tackleman121 Tackleman

    You miscounted your “Sarah Count Joke.” You have counted to 3 twice.
    Bisides that, I’m glad I never played any of the newer FF games.

  • Pat Hulse

    I pretty much lost my shit around “Stereotypically-drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90s Otaku Kid”. I don’t want to know what train of though led you to that waking nightmare.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Sewell/100003109630229 Patrick Sewell

    Man, this spoony is just…nothing. The old spoony would of slapped this one in a second, not to mention he said sorry for the dumbest things in part one in the review of this, HE SAID SORRY FOR HATING ON THE FF THAT MADE HIM FAMOUS! Sadly this Spoony want last 3 more years.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      His attack on Final Fantasy probably encouraged people to hate XIII or at least inspired those who hate XIII to speak out like him. We’ve seen an army of Spoonies raging against XIII for three years (counting XIII’s JP release in 2009) and now the original Spoony is going in for kill.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Sewell/100003109630229 Patrick Sewell

        For years Spoonys fans have been raging saying spoony has lost his way, and this was in 2009-2012. Just recently they abanded him. My 9Clouder spoony account first post was November 3rd 2007, have you been a fan for that long and can prove it? You seem to be apart of the small group of fans who still think he is still the same Spoony he was when he started.

    • Techee44

      Pay attention, punk. He said he was sorry because he had no idea how worse it could get. I hated Transformers, but next to Transformers 2, it’s plain mediocre. Much like how next to FFXIII, FFVIII is simply mediocre.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        EXCEPT XIII is bright and colourful with a unique diversity of characters while Transformers has a bunch of grey robots, who all fight the same way, in a dull grey/brown-filtered American city.

        • http://twitter.com/AxelxGabriel Andrew Scheil

          Oh yeah, the FXIII characters are diverse all right. They cover the entire spectrum of fucking annoying and/or intolerable.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            I RATHER a bunch of unlikeable twits than a bunch of BLAND people who walk, talk, speak and act the exact same. I only recognized Optimus and Bumblebee in the movies. Everyone else was silver.

            It’s better to be an unlikeable dick-piston than Mathew Broderick, the king of blandness, I say.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Sewell/100003109630229 Patrick Sewell

        Except he said he takes it back, re-watch the review, “Punk”. You seem to be missing some parts

  • Charred Newt

    So, there is a question I now really need an aswer to.

    I had heard about this L’Cie contract-thing, but only in vague terms. Now I’ve got something more.

    If they fail, they become techno-zombies. Ok, this is bad, a painful unlife which anybody would try to avoid. Fair enough, if dickish.

    On the other hand, if they make the Fal’Cie happy, they become crystals. I’d thought there was more about it, but, judging from what happened to Serah in the cutscene, they just become unmoving, seemingly unsentient statues.

    How is this a good thing, in any measure? Are the Fal’Cie so uncaring that the only reward they can give is “not being twisted in the shape of a shambling monstruosity”, and instead dying a pretty death?

    I need somebody to explain this mechanism to me, it’s been boggling me since the first time I heard about it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

    Wow, Snow and Hope. This is the exact same storyline between Shinjiro Aragaki and Ken Amada in Persona 3. Snow even looks like Shinjiro with the beanie hat and trenchcoat! Well except for the fact that Persona 3 had both the characters aware of the rift between them, which set up a dramatic encounter that had emotional impact for how it went down whereas this is a whiny kid being whiny and unable to stand up to the adult and a stupid adult completely unaware of the tragedy he caused in his reckless pursuit to save Serah at any cost.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

    Well 1 hour of review, 2 hours into the game, still have no clue what is going on in this game.

  • http://www.facebook.com/beqaxitiri Beqa Khitiri

    So, the bird’s name must never be spoken? There might be an universal collapse if its name is said? Is the bird the doctor’s next regeneration? :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/adam.pupil Adam Pupil

    The Serah counter is supposed to be 1 higher. You counted 3 twice. And don’t worry. I plan on reviewing its piece of shittier shit sequel. Side note: FFXIII-3 comes out in 2013, in case you didn’t hear.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      If Spoony fights Snow in the end, maybe Snow can shout SERAAAAAAAAAH one more time before he gets gutted.

      • http://www.facebook.com/adam.pupil Adam Pupil

        Maybe. We can only wait and see.

    • theshamster

      There’s a part 3?
      No, no, Noooooooo!

      FF Games are supposed to have one story per game; to require sequels to a game, and a lousy one at that, is evidence that the writers just don’t know what they’re doing.

      Also, why do the characters always have care-free attitudes and stances when fighting?
      If I were a programer or writing the game sxript, I’d suggest making the characters react according to the battle. For example, if you’re fighting a huge cyborg demon thing that’s at a higher level then you, I’d make the characters act accordingly, in this case fearfull, wary, apprehensivley and unsure, but to have them bouncing about and dancing gleefully, as they do for every single battle, it just kills the atmosphere.

  • Fervidor

    I want a super-trench coat. Also, a folding antler whip-stick. And I still want to play this game.

    This was quite a bit funnier than part one. Still, how can you get so worked up about Snow’s awesome coat when one of the strongest weapons in Final Fantasy X was a beachball? And how is Snow punching giant robots weirder than Tifa or Zell doing exactly the same thing? You *know* how these games work, Spoony, you’ve played like all of them. It’s a bit late to act
    exasperated.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

      He never reviewed FFVII. However in his FFVIII review Zell using his fists was one of a million sore points for Spoony in that review. Spoony complaining about Snow is consistent with his past reviews. And he also lambasted FFX for Wakka’s blitzball attacks as well. We all know Black Belts have been punching machines since Warmech in Final Fantasy I. But in most Final Fantasy games most enemies are creatures, not metal monsters and there is always the its magic explanation and the deformed art style never really imparted much of a realistic look to the game. Spoony’s complaint is that when you changed the style of art to this realistic look, why are the weapons still so stupid. Would a guy really go around punching all these robots with his fists? His hands would be bleeding constantly. A deer antler whip? A boomerang? These are all really stupid weapons to be using against giant robots. Where are the laser guns, grenade launchers, bazookas. If you want to make a modern final fantasy use modern weapons. Its a legitimate complaint. When the era’s weapon range makes close combat weapons almost suicidal to use, its not longer cool.

      If Final Fantasy wants a mix of sword and guns, they simply need to stop trying to be so modern. A game set in an era of mostly powder weapons with pirates in the air and sea would work well. The load times of muskets and other weapons give gaps in their rate of fire which make closing into melee possible. Which is an era where its semi-modern and you could have character’s realistically still using close combat cutlasses, rapiers, and harpoons, alongside flintlock pistols, muskets, etc. Spoony wouldn’t even blink an eye there, a big tough fist guy can be effective against people and creatures. Its when you bring robots and other mechanical creatures as well as guns with both great range and good rate of fire with very few reload gaps into the mix that the fist fighter ceases being effective.

      • doresh

        Heck, FF6-style magictech/steampunk would work fine. All the technology since FFX looks so damn clean and futuristic, with FFXII taking the crown by having a medieval society build airships that wouldn’t be out of place in a Star Ocean game.
        Seeing how futuristic they make everything look, I’m actually astounded we never had a FF character with a beam sword Oo

      • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

        He said a bunch of bullshit about Final Fantasy VII in some part of his Final Fantasy VIII videos. That may count as review.

        • Guest

          He had an april foot’s joke about Final Fantasy I that I remember. I don’t remember him discussing FFVII much, if at all during FFVIII.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

          He had an april fool’s joke about Final Fantasy I that I remember. I
          don’t remember him discussing FFVII much, if at all during FFVIII.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

          Yeah went back and watched it (Episode 6). He still made a comment about Tifa fighting giant robots even in it.

          Even this seems like a joke review though. From that video:

          “It seems that FF8 has thrown me into a hallucinatory wonderland,
          where a parallel universe version of myself decided to ravage Final
          Fantasy SEVEN instead!

          Before everyone gets upset, I’m just fucking around so count to ten before you go declaring a blood-feud on my house.”

          • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

            I will eat his heart! I will eat his children!

      • http://twitter.com/RazielStar Kevin Clause

        I think you described Skies of Arcadia. Wish Spoony would take a look at that one.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

          Skies of Arcadia was amazing. The ship to ship combat was really good and fun to me in that one. Heavily exploration based as well.

          But instead of that art style, imagine a pirate themed Final Fantasy game on both the water and the air, with a focus on exploration of the world via the sea, and then the air later all done with modern graphics. A world which is mostly a sea world with tons of islands, then suddenly later in the game they run into an airship based pirate empire which throws their world into chaos, as their seaships are ill-prepared to fight the airships. The Player Characters (PCs) have to steal an airship to allow the engineers of the sea peoples to learn about their design, so they even have a chance at fighting back. Then the PCs use the airship to explore the sky islands above the world and learn about these new people and why they are attacking the world below suddenly. An open world where the PCs could start with a sea ship and explore from there and then the story leading to the later adventures in the air with an air ship.

      • Fervidor

        I disagree: This is not at all a legitimate complaint, because Final Fantasy has never been about presenting a realistic world in the first place, Not a single game in the series has taken that approach, so they have no particular responsibility to do so now just because the graphics have gotten better over the years. SquareEnix does not owe you a realistic game. You don’t have to *like* it, but just because the game is unrealistic doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way to make a game. Lots of people love these games exactly *because* they are highly stylized and fanciful. I know I do.

        As for punching robots, etc… have you guys been paying attention to Japanese popculture? Like, at all? Anime, manga, other Japanse games, even their goddamned books are full of this stuff. Martial artists who punch giant machines into the sky, while machine-gun fire bounces off their bullet-proof skin, or master swordsmen who defeat whole batallions of gunmen and slashes entire buildings in half. You’re not just criticizing a foreign game here; you are demanding it to conform to your standards rather than the standards of its own culture. And that’s kinda unreasonable.

        Hell, did you even see Advent Children? That’s basically what a Final Fantasy game looks like as a movie, after you strip away the game mechanics.

        See, when you create a fantasy world, you don’t actually have to make it realistic. You just have to make it *consistent*. You simply decide what is possible and what is not possible, and then you stick to that. If you want swords to be more effective than automatic firearms, you can do that. If you want a guy who can punch robots to pieces with his bare hands, you can have that as well, and strictly speaking you don’t even need to give a good reason why. (Though it’s considered good form to do so.) It’s all permissable, as long as it’s consistent.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

          I’ve seen Advent Children, pretty much a movie made just for fans of FFVII, it has some good moments, but a bad narrative. However, it gave us all the characters and was exactly what you would expect from a FF movie.

          I’ve also seen Spirits Within, which I found to be slightly better than Advent Children. A consistent story, but the characters were lifeless and bland. However, it had a great sci-fi story premise, it just had a very stupid solution to the problem at hand. It wasn’t FF though, or at least what we would expect from a FF movie.

          I’m well aware of manga, anime, and japanese culture. Like anything though, there are good examples and bad examples. If your character has a rationale for him to punch through anything, for example, the PS2 game Godhand (you activate the godhand and literally become the fist of god) or you have access to awesome martial arts techniques like Fists of the North Star’s hero, you can do what you want. Snow has no explanation here besides a strength enhancing coat. It is not only not realistic, its not even remotely cool. Personally, I am okay with you being the godhand, but give me a good reason why and at least be an amazingly cool character so I can ignore the deus-ex-machina of it all. Snow gives me nothing on this front.

          As for me asking for it to conform to the standards of my culture, if they want to sell games to my culture they better conform to it. Localize games with western audiences in mind in terms of translations. Give us logical explanations, give us exposition so we know what is going on. That’s why JRPGs are failing and dying in the West, a failure to adapt to more mature audiences.

          None of this gives a pass to the game for the simple lack of exposition about anything. From Snow’s ability to punch through robots, the main character’s seemingly invulnerability to falling damage, the crisis with the main villains, anything. 2 hours into the game/1 hour into this review and I know virtually nothing about the characters, villains, game world, anything. No exploration at all. No real storyline or narrative to speak of. Maybe you can enjoy something purely on style, but people like myself need substance. The only thing consistent in this game so far is it being consistently disappointing.

    • Atmos_Duality

      Ah, but you don’t really “play” FF13. It mostly plays itself.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johan-Eriksson/1373557107 Johan Eriksson

      The idea of techno-clothes that makes you stronger isn’t really that bad in itself since it’s basically the same concept as a power-suit, but everything about it just raises so many questions. Why is the power-suit designed as a trench-coat when armor would be much more logical and useful? Why does it get stronger when you put on different pieces on the back? Are the marks like batteries for the suit and a stronger battery makes it more powerful? Why does Snow have this powersuit when he isn’t in the military and have no combat-training aside from brawling (apparently)? Why doesn’t all the PSICOM soldiers have this installed in their armor? Or maybe they do but then why do they still use guns instead of a close-combat weapon that might benefit from having increased strength.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

        I guess me and Spoony simply have a hard time buying the clothes that increase your strength. It would be the modern equivalent of Under Armor somehow increasing your speed and strength for sports athletes. Power armor lends a certain believability, because the metal outer shell simply has more strength and load capacity than human muscles due to the tensile strength of the material (metal) as well as the power source (electricity, magic, steam, all of which could be used and would provide more energy than catabolism/calories from food).

      • Fervidor

        I don’t know about the other stuff, but questions like “Why is it a trenchcoat and not body armor?” or by extension “Why isn’t this [any device in the game] designed in a realistic and rational way?” can simply be answered by: Because it’s freaking Final Fantasy, that’s why.

        No, seriously. This is a game series that is ALL about style. Well, maybe not the 2D games as much, but definitely everthing since the switch to 3D, when Cloud showed up with a sword the size of surfboard for no reason, and while the style may have gotten more… well, stylized, in later games, that’s still what the series is mostly about: Presenting a certain aestetic. It’s not about designing a world that makes 100% sense, it’s about designing a kind of abstracted idea of a world that encourages imagination and escapism. Asking why Snow has a super-powered trench coat is like asking why the clothes at designer fashion shows make no practical sense – it’s because that’s not the point, it’s all about presenting a look, or a concept.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johan-Eriksson/1373557107 Johan Eriksson

          Sorry for the late reply.

          I like the abstract nature of Final Fantasy, I really do. XIII was the game that got me into the franchise and I will always have a certain fondness for it, but there is a difference between abstract that works and abstract just for the sake of being abstract. In FF7, they establish early on that Cloud is a kind of Super-Soldier with superior strength and agility compared to others. Thus it makes a level of in-universe sense that he would use a sword even when other soldiers use guns. A sword simply fits his physical constitution and personal training better. Same with Tifa who we know had martial arts training.

          With Snow though? We get nothing, I could buy a LOT of possible explanations for why he has a strength-enhancing power-suit, but they never give us one. THAT is the difference between abstract concepts that works and abstract concepts we are just supposed to accept “because”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bob-Walsh/100000396472034 Bob Walsh

    I’m still surprised that you haven’t made any “Licky Boom Boom Down” jokes whenever you talk about Snow.

  • ScreamingDoom

    I can think of at least one other movie that required reading outside the narrative to get anything that was going on: Southland Tales.

    And yeah, that sucked too.

    • doresh

      Southland Tales was the result of someone hiding his incompetence under an overdose of pretentiousness.

      Final Fantasy XIII was the result of people throwing together all the neat little ideas they had without enough time to make them fit together.

  • http://twitter.com/Denderfurger Denderfurger

    OMG! Spoony your the best!

  • LotusPrince

    You know what I’d like to do, if I magically got a Hollywood budget? I’d like to make a move that makes all sorts of obtuse references to things that are never explained, like organization names, terms like “Fal Ci,” etc, and go through the movie and assume that the audience gets it. And when the movie ends, and the audience is pissed, I’ll follow up with a text crawl that says “You hated this? Strange, because Final Fantasy 13 did the same exact thing, and it was over one HUNDRED hours, and you ate that shit up.”

  • Malidictus

    Good Lord. And I thought Yahtzee was exaggerating when he said everyone acted like they’re from space and you needed “a fucking glossary” on the way into the story. This sounds like there might be cool ideas in there somewhere… If only they were actually accomplished in some way, instead of dumped in bulk into a blender and melded on power setting 11.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      XIII would’ve been cooler if it took time to explain what’s going on.

  • ubdu

    Thanks for mentioning Axe Cop!

  • Daniel Hedeblom

    I always thought the bird was Sasz son, or something. Like he was transformed with some magic by accident, but that is probably an stupid idea.

    • theshamster

      No it isn’t! It would make a lot more sense than the games current plot events and idiotic characters.

  • Daniel Hedeblom

    My PS3 got YLOD before I had any time over to beat this game. This generation of console gaming sucked… :(

    I had more fun with Pier Solar to be honest, and the console even works after 20 years!

  • strifesong

    I used to be big on the FF series, but after FFX I lost interest (and even that game I wanted nothing to do with after I beat it). The only reason I even played FFXIII was because my friend insisted I give it a chance and let me borrow his copy. I got to chapter 4 (or maybe it was 3… who cares) when Hope is randomly riding some giant fuck off mech and running stupid mobs of enemies over before I finally said ‘fuck this game’ and forgot all about it. I do not envy anyone who’s actually played through this whole damn thing; it truly is a giant train wreck of storytelling- shit, so much as insinuating that this game has storytelling in it is being too generous.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      You’re so saying I’m not allowed to like XIII?

      • http://twitter.com/ArtistaAF alvaro oyarte

        probably im missinterpretating but i think he means he just doesn’t understand why people can like it, but if you do, well there’s nothing he can do to change it. But probably im wrong with that statement

      • strifesong

        I… said I didn’t care for it and that I think it is one of the most poorly plotted out games I’ve ever played? If you can stomach it then more power to you; I’m speaking for myself in saying that I just couldn’t find any redeeming factors when I played it, but I wouldn’t say someone else isn’t allowed to like something no matter how bad I think that something is.

  • Alex Colson

    Anyone else notice his “serah counter” is off by one?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mads-Bolding-Fenger-Poulsen/1513209391 Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

      I’m sure that it will be integrated into the undergoing plotline for the review

    • Atmos_Duality

      Yes. Several of us, in fact. Read further down into the comments.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      No. You are the first and only person to have ever, and will ever, notice this.

  • Logion

    I watched the video again just so I could see stereotypically-drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90s Otaku Kid one more time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Buonpastore/60604808 David Buonpastore

    I love now and have always loved Spoony’s reviews. It just seems that many of his latest ones (especially for this series) just kinda degenerates into a long nitpick gripefest of really minor shit. The other FF reviews he went linearly through the story here it just seems he keeps getting bogged down in minutiae. It kinda strikes me like standing on the deck of the titanic and complaining that the shards of ice on the deck aren’t the right shape…

    P.S. alot of the core issues he keeps mentioning are nothing new. Does anyone remember in FF7 when Tifa would not only summon dolphins out of solid ground to attack the enemy but pile drive everything from mesquitos to mechs the size of office buildings? Or when Zell would literally run around the world at supersonic speeds to deliver a punch?

    • Laud

      That’s because the only way to make this review funny and interesting is to nitpick. Literally nothing happens most of the time in this game, it just needs to be done else it won’t be funny.

      • http://twitter.com/JetPacksRule Nick

        There’s tons of shit to talk about outside of the nitpicky holes in the logistics of the world. Like how the combat system is basically the most unimaginative cruise-control piece of shit ever seen in a RPG, where it actually punishes you for attempting to manually select spells yourself and where most of the strategy of combat comes from changing classes in a menu. Or he could simply riff on the stupid interactions between characters, making fun of everything bad about the game instead of trying to assert why a game everyone recognizes is bad… is bad.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeremy-Alva/1694209107 Jeremy Alva

          You must be new here. Welcome to the Spoony Experiment. Or even more broadly, welcome to internet reviewing in general. If you’re going to bitch about the nitpicky nature of reviewers, I highly suggest that you, well, not watch reviewers. Astonishingly simple concept, really.

  • http://twitter.com/Gangerworld David Olutola

    I go this piece of dog shit on release date. I was excited, but apprehensive because of the stupid promotional material. But this was Final Fantasy and there wasn’t an OFFLINE Final Fantasy I WASN’T gonna play from beginning to end.

    I finished this shit-shack of a game, completing it from start to end, and as soon as the credits stopped rolling, I took the disc out of the PS3, gently put it back into the case, resisted my urge to throw the case against the wall because I didn’t want to ruin the re-sale value, and instead punched a small hole in my wall. Yeah it was a fucking stupid thing to do because I messed up my home’s wall and my hand, but fuck it, that game pissed me off so much. I’ve never been so angry at a game than I have with FFXIII. That diseased pile of cow turd was sold as soon as I could, and I tried to forget about it… but it’s one of those things you never forget about.

    Thanks for doing this review. It’s bringing up a lot of bad memories… but I needed the closure. I need to know that I wasn’t crazy for feeling what I felt while playing that piece of shit.

    • http://twitter.com/alixraen Alix Raenier

      I feel a lot of people are in the same boat as you, and Spoony touched on it briefly, that fans are playing the games out of obligation at this point. I’m one of those too, even though I didn’t even finish the first chapter of XIII, I had to have it, you know?

  • Lockgar

    So the trench coat is made out of 100% cliche?

  • http://twitter.com/RetroNeoGamer William Bailey

    Thanks for bringing up the codex, because that was probably the worst storytelling choice in the game. The cutscenes and the characters never tell you anything about many aspects of FFXIII’s universe, and I went halfway though the game before figuring that out.

    Why? Because no one actually thinks that the codex will contain key details that you NEED to know to understand the story. This isn’t just small stuff, either, it’s stuff like the l’Cie and the fal’Cie, which are at the core of the story and are never explicitly explained.

  • ForteDS

    Part of me is going “Are you sure that’s the dumbest thing you have seen in the history of fiction” as you sit there and talk about it in your N7 shirt.

    • http://www.facebook.com/martin.markov.9237 Martin Markov

      Well it is the dumbest thing I’ve seen in the history of fiction. Trust me, the ME3 ending doesn’t hold a candle when compared to Snow’s magic trenchcoat or FF13’s general lack of coherent narrative. Comparing ME3’s ending to FF13 is like comparing a kick in the nuts to 3rd degree burns across 99.99999% of your body.

      • ForteDS

        Actually, I find that debatable. Sure, the coat is pretty damn stupid, but it isn’t circular logic.Searching for this answer and finding out that Snow’s power is all in the coat probably hasn’t absolutely turned anyone off to this game, To this day, I can’t bring myself to give any of the games in the ME series another playthrough, not even to experience the EC for myself. I’ve seen a youtube video of it and felt nothing. Never before have I played through two games, and absolutely loved the third, only to see a ten minute clip at the end and actually kill all joy to be had with it. If a scene is capable of destroying such deep-rooted love just like that, then that scene deserves the title of “dumbest thing in the history of fiction”.

        The last time I heard of anything having that effect on someone, it was a fucking creepypasta.

  • http://www.facebook.com/claus.berg.75 Claus Berg

    I can not believe I write it. but in defense of Snow, if i could punch someone in the face so hard he incinerate. I will do it, just to say that I did it. and I got 2 of the ultimate weapons and Crystarium at max level. and then my ps3 YloD

  • doresh

    Oh, and the part about bird names? Totally true. That’s why I call my canaries by at least 2 different nicknames.

  • Budgiecat

    haha that was awesome so on point

  • http://twitter.com/bizzqc bizz

    Wow thx for the video

    it is really good.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    It could be worse. If XIII was rebooted by Ninja Theory, the remake would actually be worse. Yes, the story would be better told but the good characters like Lightning and Sazh would be ruined and made into ugly, unlikeable punks who can only communicate by swearing

  • http://www.facebook.com/petteri.liukkonen.37 Petteri Liukkonen

    Spoony, this is a Square Enix game! If you think 2 kids figthing a Army-robot is wierd, try 7-10 year old figthing the Darkness, Sephiroth and Chernabog ( huge-ass Devil )

    • http://twitter.com/AxelxGabriel Andrew Scheil

      Sora was 13, and the game started right from the beginning acknowledged it was a Disney/FF crossover. and at LEAST the story is better explained, not to mention the gameplay is ten, no a HUNDRED times better.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Warboss-Aohd/100003803614469 Warboss Aohd

        14

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Martin/1596700226 Stephen Martin

    Invisibility aerosol… with the meta-materials we are coming up with it might actually be feasible to create a liquid fragmenting light in a given area disrupting vision. The real problem would be making it move.

    • Atmos_Duality

      The US military is actually conducting tests for a real functional invisibility cloak in Canada right now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/paul.simmons.73932 Paul Simmons

    Apparently there are multiple ampy trenchcoats, as Snow is wearing a different one in XIII-2. Or maybe its like a future version of his coat. Or a past. Seriously, as soon as you add Time Travel to the mix final fantasy games get 31 original flavors of nonsensical. No joke, you have officially sent off 2012 with the best bang possible by posting this video today.

    Also, these videos have made me go back and replay Final Fantasy 4, a game where you could openly explore the planet, the underplanet, and the fucking moon. Ya, I’m one of those asshole final fantasy fans who actually likes 13, but more as I dunno an interactive anime kind of like Asura’s Wrath. As a game? As a coherent story? As the start of a three part trilogy? Total fucking failure.

  • http://twitter.com/ArtistaAF alvaro oyarte

    so the Chocobo’s true identity must remain a secret in plain sight because that question can’t be answered or the universe go boom? THAT FUCKING CHOCOBO IS THE DOCTOR!!! ..by the way who makes your tittle cards?

  • http://www.facebook.com/ben.lykins2 Ben Lykins

    Happy new years!!!…depending on where you are

  • http://electricsistahood.com KL

    I think the whole “how can these people take on unimaginable odds like this” is a super BS nitpick. If you nitpick that, then you have to nitpick every FF game, because a fucking sword or guns or even most spells don’t seem like they’re going to even make a demigod villain blush. Other than that, this game still seems stupid and needs to explain itself.

    I was going to buy it cheap and play it to see what all the hate was about, but my little brother bought it before I did and told me how bad it was. Maybe in a few years I’ll pick it up for 5 bucks.

  • http://twitter.com/searock4 Sumerian

    I’m 10 minutes in and bored like hell, his newer videoes are boring as fuck.

  • Colin

    Hey spoony! Basically seen every video of yours and I am a fan for sure. Um something random I saw. The SERAH! counter. I think you have it on 3 twice. I think the first 3 was suppose to be a 2. its 1, 3, 3, 4. Eh it’s a good regardless, can’t be perfect. Happy new year to you spoony and your doggie. And everyone else on here.

  • M4OR

    i did some searching for my self and anyone who wondered what’s the name of this spanish version of smells like teen spirit:

    Tropikal Forever – Herido de Nauyaca

  • Chris Laib

    Awesome as always Spoony! New “character” almost had me in tears!! Best thing about New Years Eve BY FAR

  • Atmos_Duality

    The one and only good thing I can say about Snow: Squeenix was at least trying to present a main character who wasn’t a brooding jackass, or whiny brat.

    (*spoilers* He goes through that later *spoilers*)

    So naturally, they fucked it up by having him act like an unbelievably stupid, borderline-arrogant douchebag.

    But fear not fans of stupid jrpg tropes! Your ‘Brooding’, ‘Creepy’, and ‘Bratty’ quotas will be filled by the OTHER unlikeable twats on Team L’Cie! We’ll even throw in some free ‘Bitchiness’!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      But Snow’s a douche! He’s like Abraham Reyes from Red Dead Redemption.

      • Atmos_Duality

        I…already said he was a douche.
        *is confused*

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          I just hate him that much.

      • theshamster

        I love Red Dead Redemption! Even after 2 years, the free roam almost always has players online!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Warboss-Aohd/100003803614469 Warboss Aohd

      i read somewhere he woz supposed to be a stereotypical Caucasian male…..i forget where though.

    • Malidictus

      To be fair, he’s basically “the Naruto” – a ridiculously optimistic, never say never type of idiot who rushes head first into trouble and relies on his guts to get him through any tough spot. Here’s the thing, though:

      A) Naruto is 14, so he’s a stupid kid. Snow looks like 30. He should know better.
      B) Naruto rarely ever won though “guts” and this was most often used to inspire others to action. Snow believes that’s the only thing he needs and gets others killed because of it.
      C) Naruto had a very deep, personal justification for acting like that explained right out the gate. Snow is a jackass who’s too stupid to think.

      I’m half-expecting a “Snow: Too stupid to eat!” bit somewhere along the line.

      • Atmos_Duality

        That sadly makes sense to me.
        I’ll leave my personal hatred of Naruto out of this, but given the already transparent attempts at bringing FF13 into the “modern age”, trying to shoehorn in a cliche’ popular character fits perfectly (even if they missed the Naruto train by…5 years or so).

        It’s just more evidence that Squeenix doesn’t “Get it” anymore.

        When I first saw Snow, I immediately thought “Locke” from FF6 who also had a sort of Hero Complex (and associated hubris). Only where Locke was driven by his previous FAILURES and actively seeks personal redemption (OMG! An actual character arc! In an SNES game no less!), Snow is driven by industrial amounts of stupidity.

        • Malidictus

          Oh, believe me, I’m right there with you on Naruto. I’m one of the people who was a big fan of the original series right up until it jumped ship and twisted the characters into versions of themselves that weren’t interesting.

          All I’m saying is you CAN have an idiot hero who’s too dumb to know when to quit if you do it right. For this, you need a character who’s either likeable or sympathetic (and Snow is neither) and who is put against the backdrop of cynical companions too quick to point out that “life isn’t fair.” You can make it work, but you can’t just toss a blond moron yelling “Heroes don’t need a plan!” and have it work.

          That’s FF13’s greatest failure – it has no actual storytelling, just “things are happening in places all over the world.” There is no setup, there are no transitions, there are no actual characters with actual motivations, personalities or histories. It’s literally a sequence of events told in order with no actual storytelling to turn them into a story. You’re basically watching surveillance footage of things happening, if you look at it realistically.

        • http://electricsistahood.com KL

          I haven’t played FF XIII, but it feels like they were trying to have a wider, international appeal. They’ve got characters of all ages and backgrounds, including a white (or whatever he would be in an FF world), stubble-bearded guy who isn’t androgynous or thin, a simple map, and a stripping of familiar FF elements that Spoony mentioned.

          Kinda feels like they wanted people to watch a movie they occasionally play.

          • Atmos_Duality

            You’re exactly on the right track there. This game has the stink of the same “team politically correct ethnicity” that Star Trek Voyager had.

            And it has similar problems as Voyager. Making an ethnically-balanced cast does not mean the characters are going to be interesting.

            FF13 has all the marks of trying to be a FF game with widespread appeal, and I went over some of that in the comments for FF13 – Part 1.

          • http://electricsistahood.com KL

            Wouldn’t Voyager take its lessons from…Star Trek? You know, the series that started off the bat with an ethnically diverse, international crew? Were they really being PC just for the sake of PC, or because of its pedigree? Also, if they were really concerned with being PC, what’s 7 of 9 about?

            Anyway, I think it’s not just FF that was feeling some need to “American up” or to suck up to a wider audience in 2012. Problem is, when you try to sell to a wide audience by throwing all these elements in a pot, you run the risk of making a brew that doesn’t taste good. They didn’t reinvent themselves. Instead they just cribbed from a different model, but they didn’t make a good copy.

          • Atmos_Duality

            The original Star Trek had cultural significance behind its diverse crew.

            It was a bold product for its time. Racism was still deeply woven into the
            commanding generation, especially those in positions of power.

            OK, so Voyager has another diverse crew, just as Roddenberry had done, but that alone did not give them any significance since the culture had
            changed considerably since then.

            We had moved on to the point where it wasn’t enough to just have a token character, and honestly, that’s a GOOD thing. It means we were willing to demand better, demand more than just stereotypes and caricature.

            That is social progress.

            As for the “American Up” (your words, not mine), I addressed that briefly in Part 1.
            Squeenix attempted to dispense with character management, “streamline/dumb-down” mechanical character development even further, make combat appear fast-paced and “actionesque” (now that “Turn-Based” has become a dirty word) and made the game so linear so that you would need brain damage to become lost.

            The popular tropes Square helped establish (reliance on cutscenes), are over-emphasized even further; a problem Squeenix admitted openly and addressed in FF13-2 (it’s much less linear).

            EDIT: Because Disqus has some batshit crazy auto-formatting issues.

      • http://electricsistahood.com KL

        By Shippuden, Naruto’s kinda grown out of that, and I think he’s younger than Snow is.

        • Malidictus

          And yet still smarter than him.

          • Gborr

            Yup. Naruto (both the character and the series) has it’s problems, but at lest there ARE characters and there ARE explanations for their behavior, so you can understand why they are doing things… well, most of the time.

  • Der Neger

    Dude, Spoony, I hated FF13 too, but you’re reaching bitching-nirvana.

  • Vortemeer

    My God. I just realized. Snow is the unholy spawn of Tidus and Yuna. The blonde pretty-boy looks. The petulant, irresponsibility. And his only defining characteristic is that he loves someone else. The only thing that would complete it would be if gets captured while choking out forced, awkward laughter.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      You forget Lightning, born from two fathers, Cloud and Squall. But who gave birth to Lightning?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Warboss-Aohd/100003803614469 Warboss Aohd

        another one o’ Popo’s experimentz ta create super soldierz ta take over da all o’ existence?

    • http://www.facebook.com/san.shinobi San Shinobi

      Technically, the next was Neol Kreiss. He’s kinda like a teenage Doc Brown/Y-the-last-Man combo, with SOME dignity included. Keyword: SOME.

    • Gborr

      I get the point, but I just wanted to point one thing out: Cloud is actually not called that. His name was supposed to be Claude, but the idiots doing the US translation just didn’t care enough to ask and went with what the kanji sounded like, and later Square just ran with it.

      On the other hand, you forgot Lightning. She perfectly fits into the “Square Enix weather-related protagonists” theme as well.

  • Psylumin

    Somehow, I really enjoyed reading the datalogs and learning more about the universe.
    So Spoony, don’t worry, there are still idiots like me of below-average intellect who actually enjoyed the game and the story..

    Is it because I am not a Final Fantasy fan? I mean, I did beat one of the games a few years ago (Final Fantasy IV) but I did not enjoy it because it felt all over the place with the Moon and the mirror that somehow splits your soul in half and makes you a Paladin (!?) and all that. Space shuttles, a Paladin walking on the Moon and a coma-induced Monk who woke up after being hit by a very specific frying pan (of love, was it?) were things that made me turn my back on the story.

    Your review makes total sense, I am not in any way trying to justify the trenchcoats and the mechanic dogs or whatever, but as a stupid and ignorant individual, I never felt like any of this was too out of place because the FFXIII universe did seem to sustain itself so to speak. I am not being sarcastic, I absolutely admit that I am an idiot and I always eat up this kind of shit and rarely pick up on plot holes (except in extreme cases like Highlander 2)..

    • Ryan Jewell

      codex can be interesting but the problem was you need to read the codex to understand the game unlike mass effect which if you pay attention to the diolauge and story you already know it just further the knowledge

      • Psylumin

        Yes, I know what you mean =/
        I did not understand anything when it came to the fal’cie until I read the manual, which did give me a sort of summary of who is fighting who. It also gave a short description of the two camps (Pulse and and Cocoon). Then I just started consulting the Datalogs for the other unexplained stuff like the environments and etc.

        I guess they just didn’t want characters explaining common knowledge (for them) to one-another. Fal’cie and the world structure are things that they have known since birth, so why would they go out of their way to explain all that stuff. That means the only other way to do this was introducing a narrator (not vanille) that would speak directly to the player.

        This all reminds me of Skyrim. I didn’t know anything about the world and I am still having problem grasping the idea of the Daedra… Gods? Are they Gods? Are they all evil? Not until I read a few books on the Daedra did I understand what they are.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I remember in Spoony’s Ultima IX review, he said he enjoyed reading text in previous Ultima games. The Mass Effect games also have datalogs.

      I don’t mind reading the datalogs in XIII but some should’ve been shown in cutscenes instead of Vanille, Snow and Hope wasting time padding. There’s a longevity to XIII but the amount of time could’ve been used to explain certain stuff. All the firework scenes were pointless and a complete waste of time, I rather GOOD exposition.

  • Lunam_Kardas

    How the hell could the chocobo chick have any sort of- *glances at wiki* -oh you have got to be shitting me. Goddamnit Square!!!

  • Shakagi

    Now, I have yet to play the game because I simply could not stand the concept, the characters (What I’d seen of them) and almost everything I heard about it made me not want to play it. Some people seem to have a problem with Spoony’s nitpicking of the weapons here, mainly Snow’s fist-fighting. Spoony has said earlier that when they make thing look more realistic, that raises the bar when it comes to things making sense. I agree with that. Additionally, in most previous FF games, magic had a big role and was acknowledged across the world out of combat as well. (Shifty use of healing magic aside) Summoning was even a main plot line in FFX. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I sense that magic is not really a part of cocoon or that it is limited to l’Cie or something. Even though Wakka’s blitzball was stupid and people have been hitting things with their fists before, you could, remotely possible that it is, blame it on magic.Most of Wakka’s weapons are enchanted in some way, (why they would enchant blitzballs I do not know) and though never established, could probably be used to explain some of the other strangely effective weapons we’ve seen throughout the years. FFXII however is mainly focused on technology and Snow’s coat worked before he became a l’Cie if I’m not mistaken? My point is, by making magic virtually nonexistant in this world, they move the very far reached explanation even further away making it laughable.

    Now, as stated, I have not played FFXIII and I’m sure I’ll get corrected on some things here one way or another, but that’s how I see it. It’s a “wizards did it” explanation, but at least before, wizards existed to do it!

    Still love the videos spoony, I hanged on to the FF series a bit longer than you, probably because I’m 10 years younger and could forgive the strange things they fed to me, but FFX was the furthest I got and now I just love watching you rip them apart.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    You say Final Fantasy XIII has the WORST you’ve ever seen in your life but really, which is worse? An original but poorly told story or a continuation that betrays everything that happened before it? Final Fantasy XIII or Ultima IX? Which is worse?

    • theshamster

      Ultima 9, all the way!

    • Aiddon

      they’re equally bad, just bad in different ways

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Yes but which in one is worse? Confusion or betrayal?

        • Atmos_Duality

          Ultima 9 would have to be worse.
          At least FF13 is mechanically FUNCTIONAL and doesn’t crash all the time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=807024846 Sammy Herremans

    Hey, Mr. Spoony,
    The very end of your review puts into words my exact feelings!
    I indeed played FF XII and XIII out of obligation. I literally said ‘well, it’s cheap and I have time, they’ll be easy to beat, let’s do it.’
    I got to sort of an understanding with 12 and found the simple ‘hallway’ style of 13 a nice change of pace for one game (coming out of star ocean 4 and Nocturne ((I’m that guy who emailed you 3 years ago, i beat nocturne on hard, no walkthroughs, first playthrough)))

    I would NOT complain if square stopped making final fantasies. I don’t want to play 13-2, because I saw the demo, it was shit. But I’ll play it if the 13-3 game looks to be mildly better and if i see it used and cheap. (I made it a point to buy these games used, square isn’t getting any money for these.)

  • FreeQuest

    im guessing all that info that is not explained is supposed to be common knowledge …. sadly though its not common to us and we always wonder WTH

    • doresh

      It’s like this game is from parallel universe or something Oo

  • dragonfly82

    Awesome video Spoony, much better than part 1….

    is it wrong that I knew Snow had superhuman-strenght since the first video?
    (I think it’s explained in the game manual or read it in the log by accident)

    LOL at Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90’s Otaku Kid

  • http://www.youtube.com/thefaustianman Faust

    Obviously the guy in the trench is Adam Jensen

  • notincompliance

    Ah, the counter gag. How I have missed thee.

    Now that the Starship song “Sara” is stuck is my head, I have some cassettes to go dig through.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristopher-Tiplady/100001382888368 Kristopher Tiplady

    Great job getting part 2 up so promptly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Warboss-Aohd/100003803614469 Warboss Aohd

    i think i read somewhere dat Snow iz supposed to be yer stereotypical Caucasian male. While stupid an’ annoying, i still find him the 2nd most likeable party member……..dat iz scary (Sazh being da most likable)

  • thesilentcomentator

    Oh man, we’re only two hours into this shit? This is gonna be one hell of a ride. Whatever happened to that time compression device Insano made all the way back during FF8?

  • http://twitter.com/ravenwoodwitch angela

    Jesus, Snow’s called out for SERAH more times than Jareth.

    This whole game has the same problem I did with most of the .Hack series; nothing gets an explanation until much, MUCH later. Good grief, I know the number one rule in fiction is “show, don’t tell” but you have to tell when you have an entire, new fucking word. >:(
    God I hate this game.

    • http://twitter.com/Tony7wsfk Tony

      This is completely different than the .hack// series in plot. In this, the characters clearly know what’s going on but just don’t tell it to you. In .hack//, only like, Helba, and to a lesser degree, the Azure Knights has any real idea of what’s going on and everyone else is just as clueless as you are if not more so. That game’s a mystery game as much as any other, and like any good mystery, you get clues steadily and after searching for them and talking to others who have tidbits of information, trying to put it all together.

  • Strelnikov

    My only explanation for all the unexplainable things: they’re all living in the Matrix.

    A badly programmed Matrix.

  • Chris

    Soooo anyone have any clue where Noah got his FFVI figure thingies? I woudnt mind buying some of my own but i have no clue where they are or what they’re called.

    • Aiddon

      typically you can find them at gaming or anime conventions

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amy-Flynn/132700402 Amy Flynn

    new year, new spoony review. 2013 is starting off on the right foot.

  • Wolf359

    What the hell? A techno-magical trench coat?
    Get this, according to the FF wiki Spoony mentioned, the trench-coat manipulates ANTIMATTER to make him so badass.

    A fucking magical antimatter trench coat? Where did he get it? I mean if SE had just said he found the magical antimatter coat or stole it from a research lab or something you could use it to fill so many plot-holes. If SE had 2 neurons to rub together the would just use this thing as a plot hole filler all the fucking time. in fact its so abuse-able that I’ll give you 2 examples:

    Example1: How did snow survive fall 800ft onto concrete? Oh the magic antimatter trench coat has a function that slows falls and lessens impacts so you can survive.

    Example2: Why does punching a robot damage it? Why isn’t Snow’s fist a blob of shattered bones after punching a steel plate all day? Easy techno-magic trench coat has wards to protect the wearer from impact damage, and it leaks antimatter on command which why you can damage steel robots and is why things you punch with it disintegrate. Because you hit it with fucking antimatter.

    Was that so hard to come up with SE? Really? Its not even a good explanation, but at least its something. You guys are supposed to be creative and you can’t find one cool thing to do with a magical trench coat that manipulates antimatter? WTF?

    Don’t get me wrong, this thing is a dumber idea than than Squall’s gunblade, and its the ultimate unobtainium plot hole (and plot hole filler). It could be used to fill almost every plot hole involving Snow if SE spent 2 minutes thinking about it. But that would be giving SE credit for the ability to think , which as this game shows the clearly cant (even on the very low and stupid level of 60’s superhero back stories, which SE should have given to this fucking coat and Snow).

    If you are going to make such a giant plot hole, at least start doing campy shit with it so we can enjoy the utter lunacy.

    • Lone Wolf

      His magic techno coat uses anti-matter. I know that most writers are not scientists and know little about physics but it is generally known that when matter and anti-matter touches they go up in a fucking mushroom cloud.

      • Wolf359

        Couldn’t have said it better.

        We are talking nuclear style explosions every single time he hits things. And that’s just from using a basic approximation such as “EnergyO’Boom=2*m*[c^2]” (two comes from mass of matter added to equal mass of antimatter).

    • doresh

      Matter and Anti-Matter don’t just vanish into thin air. They go kablooey.

      And where the hell is the anti-matter stored? He must carry A LOT of this stuff around to be able to destroy so much normal matter.

      • Wolf359

        Good point. We never see him go steal/make some antimatter to power the coat; where the hell does he store it? I mean for every pound of matter he destroys he needs a pound of antimatter (and a way to get out of the giant explosion). We are talking thousands of TONS of antimatter. Maybe he just pulls it right out of his ass like Hope does with his ridiculous boomerang.

        • doresh

          I already commented how strong normal armor should be if they can make trench coats that powerful, but this is actually a whole different can of worms: If the technology to store large amounts of anti-matter in a trench coat exist, what are the odds that they might run into soldiers carrying anti-matter rifles Oo ?

        • http://twitter.com/sphereos Wouter Baeyens

          Here I would say the explosion does all the work. While it the coat doesn’t make sense, I’m sure the quantity isn’t a problem. You only have to have 10^−12 gram of antimatter to get enough power for one really strong blast.

    • http://electricsistahood.com KL

      My issue is not that he has this trenchcoat that gives him power, but that he chose a trenchcoat. One snag, and that thing might come off! Boom, he’s dead meat. Why wouldn’t every piece of his clothing be this powerful techno material?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Smooker/100001851743299 Ben Smooker

      “Why should we have to explain it? It’s cool, isn’t that enough?”

  • http://twitter.com/Nanani72 成侘理

    Lots of the explanations you want are given in the novels. I don’t know that they’ve ever been translated though, officially or otherwise.
    Vanille stashed her weapon there herself, BTW.

    Oh and the FalCie clearly exploded because the ARMY BLEW IT UP. That doesn’t even require explanation, just having your eyes open o.O

    • doresh

      So she once got there before, hoped that nobody would find it and somehow crash-landed just besides it Oo ?

      • http://twitter.com/Nanani72 成侘理 (sdrawkcab drib)

        No, if you’ve played the game then you should know (spoilers) that she woke up there in the first place. It’s basically her house.

        • doresh

          That’s… weird Oo

  • http://www.facebook.com/twi.byerley Twi Byerley

    Actually, most of their backgrounds and the whole reason the chocobo lives inside Sazh’s afro isn’t mentioned in the data logs.
    It’s mentioned in the official novel. That was only released in Japan before the game release.
    Enjoy the screaming because I had to look up a translation online and am having a difficult time finding it again.

  • http://twitter.com/Smael123 Ismael Almaguer

    He purchased the Chocobo for his son. It’s revealed later in a flashback.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      Then why is he keeping it in his afro?

      Well, smart guy?

      • Wayne Davis

        Because he’s black?

  • Remus

    Actually, I do know one game that I have to stop playing about every 10 to fifteen minutes to read the wiki. It’s an excellent game. It’s this game where you wander about on a land made of 1-meter cubes, you mine and place the cubes in arraignments to your liking. I think it was made by this guy called “Notch…”

    • doresh

      I find it more fun to just try stuff out in this game XD

  • Hath

    This is why MANY FF fans abandoned ship long ago!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Guess what, I jumped aboard BECAUSE people left the ship.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Warboss-Aohd/100003803614469 Warboss Aohd

        Oh look, we gotz a badass here.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Yeah well I thought “Fuck these guys! I’m going buy FFXIII, play with an open mind and damn well TRY to like it.”

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Warboss-Aohd/100003803614469 Warboss Aohd

            ta be fair it ain’t da worst game i’ve ever played.

  • http://www.facebook.com/FIGHTTHAPOWAH Patrick Walters

    HAPPY 2013, SPOONY!!

  • Eathanskies

    I had to stop playing this about 2 or so hours in, I didn’t even bother thinking about all the inconsistencies as I was much too distracted by the utter alien way the characters talk and act. That ginger girl made me want to punch babies.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

    Actually, Spoony, you’re wrong about Chocolina. Once Sazh figured out who she was, she started disappearing like a resolved paradox… and then popped right back into existence, because she was just kidding.

    So the datalog is just choosing to be snarky instead of giving any truthful information.

  • http://www.facebook.com/simm.myuric Simm Myuric

    Final Fantasy XIII is the Sheperd’s Journal. The most complex esoteric thing to have ever existeed, and someone made a game out of it. LOL.

  • I’m A Fucking Time Lord

    Oh, my God. I’m fucking hammerred right now. Ugh. Happy new year everyone. :)
    May 2013 suck a litttle less than last year.

  • http://twitter.com/NeroAngelus Nero Angelus

    Nice work Noah.

    Funny as usual and a happy new year to you good sir and may your work be
    fruitful in 2013.

  • thehivemind33

    What a great New Years present, Spoony! <3

  • DayWalkerB

    Haha, your diss against Snow was just on point!
    Keep it up, I’m really enjoying this “mercy killing”.

  • pretzels

    ‘Caveman drawings have more plot’ – just about dies laughing

  • http://twitter.com/Trikucian Noel Jeffery

    The end of this video is how far I got in playing the game, before getting bored, turning it off, and going on to play Uncharted 1 … for the third time. I love FFX, but after that the games’ narratives just went bye bye. FFX had a dumb story at points, but it actually had a story. But Yuna should have been the main character.

    Also, can chicks PLEASE stop cosplaying as Lightning? It’s getting old. Hell, I knew people who cosplayed as her before the game was released. Go cosplay a cool video game chick, like Bayonetta or something.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      People like Lightning, you can’t stop them from doing what they want. Personally I prefer Lightning over Bayonetta, there I said it.

      • mobtank

        I can understand it, Lightning is just about the only character in this game that I can stand so far, as she has a legit cool factor and her weapon and clothing has a credible design.

        It’s just a shame she doesn’t get to use her gravity device more, that thing could be her entire character mechanic in fights.
        For example, charging it up by damaging the enemy or something simular and activating it to pull of the super moves would be awsome (and thats just the most basic use I can think of)

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Why Lightning’s gravity device wasn’t used gameplay-wise is a legitimately good question. Toriyama talks about XIII being like an interactive movie, it’s that such an idea wouldn’t work, it COULD have worked, but rather Toriyama implemented the idea so poorly. Instead of diving straight into his idea and have it fully realized, he just poked at it in such a lazy matter. Same thing applied when using time traveling as a plot device in XIII-2, could’ve worked but wasn’t realized.

      • http://twitter.com/Trikucian Noël Jeffery

        I’m just asking for some diversity, that’s all.

  • Kendotuxedo

    I still get pissed off at Crisis Core. Why did they think the Buster Sword needed a backstory?
    It’s a giant hunk of metal sharpened into a crude blade. It’s junk. That’s why it’s the weakest of Cloud’s swords and that’s why it was kinda cool in a place like Midgar, a city filled with scrap metal and junk parts.

    Sometimes it feels like Enix only merged with Square just to destroy them from the inside out, but even Enix can’t be blamed for suicide notes like FFX-2…

    … deep wang

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Crisis Core was about Zack, plus I like that game.

      Fuck Enix. Any interest I had in Dragon Quest died when I saw Dragon Quest IX being promoted by fucking Jedward. Fuck you, Jedward and fuck you, Nintendo. Oh and fuck Akira Toriyama’s artstyle as well.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Deacon-Hagan/100002190854170 Deacon Hagan

        that last part will get you hanged in some places

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          That’s messed up.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Deacon-Hagan/100002190854170 Deacon Hagan

            Hating Akira Toriyama (IE the creator of Dragon Ball and DBZ ) is the same as cracking wise on Mako voice work. People will get pitch forks and torches. ;)

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            First off, Akira Toriyama is still alive and plus there are people today who ridicule classic paintings from old masters.

            Second, I just DON’T like his style nor do I see why people like it so much. You honestly the Final Fantasy will be instantly redeemed if Akira Toriyama was in charge of the art department?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Deacon-Hagan/100002190854170 Deacon Hagan

            not liking one art style and saying fuck off is two different things. That is flambating. And let’s face it your not that good at it.

            Second: No, it will not redeem FF in my eyes. For that to happen Square must remember why they called it Final Fantasy in the first place. It was to be their last game before closing down for good. So they went all out and made a game they wanted to play. now nearly 30 yrs later I think Spoony hit on the head. They are making it out of oblegation not for pleasure especailly after the merger.

      • thehivemind33

        Literally, the only game I can think of that I’ve ever liked from Enix was ActRaiser.
        So yeah, fuck Enix.

      • Kendotuxedo

        I know very little about Dragon Quest games, but from what I’ve heard, they were a huge deal back when Enix stood alone.

        • trololololololol

          Pretty good story, painfully boring JRPG combat. the usual

    • Aiddon

      no, Square were doing that PRETTY well by themselves. Enix actually doesn’t interfere with Square’s properties at all and THEIR side of the business has been doing better internationally.

      • Kendotuxedo

        But aren’t they struggling because they said in an interview that one more failure will destroy the company? That’s what I’ve heard, but I don’t know if it’s true. FFXIII just seems so awful that it wouldn’t surprise me if it were true.
        I saw Versus XIII after Spoony showed it to us and it looked very ambitious; like it could redeem the Final Fantasy reputation. Yet it’s stuck in development hell or is being very carefully tweaked to meet absolute satisfaction for disappointed fans.

    • Gborr

      Hey, Crisis Core was an okay game, and it wasn’t even really about the Buster Sword. It was simply a prequel, with all the drawback that it would imply. It was made for the fans who wanted to see Sephiroth and the other familiar FF7 characters one more time.

      If anything, Crisis Core just pointed out another tendency of SE main characters: they are either hyperactive, stupid manchildren or depressed and/or emotionally wrecked mopers. Zack was the former, FYI.

      • Kendotuxedo

        I know it’s not all about the Buster Sword, but when that backstory comes up, it feels dumber than the “Sentimental Memory Slot Machine” system itself.
        I guess my own point is that Squaresoft couldn’t leave FF7 alone. As they created more and more characters for it, the world they existed in felt more and more contrived. A character named Genesis was another facepalming moment in Crisis Core. Crisis Core, Dirge of Cerberus, and Advent Children are all did things like that.

  • Internet’s Frank

    The whole reason the chocobo lives inside of Sazh’s afro is because the FF13 team’s sole exposure to black people was episodes of The Super Globetrotters.

    • Merlynn

      I thought it was Muscle March cause of that one black guy with a duck on his head.

  • http://twitter.com/_amagno Anthony Magno

    Whatever happened to the intro by Andrew Dickman? The one with Oreo? Why did you only use it once? I liked it.

    • theshamster

      Apparently Andrew Dickman (who is friends with Phelous, Lupa’s boyfriend) doesn’t like Spoony because of that BDSM joke way back in June last year, and the emotional stress bi-polar rant Spoony went on twitter, and he refuses to let Spoony (who PAID him to create his intros) use his work on his site.
      Geez, this has to be THE most childish and unprofessional thing that someone (Dickman) could do. Sure Spoony has his moments, but don’t we all?

      • Wayne Davis

        Way to be a Dick, man.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Luc-Bélanger/100000567236259 Luc Bélanger

    Wait, if Snow has a super-powered trench coat that boosts his strength or whatever, why the fuck wasn’t he able to hold on and pull up Hope’s mom from the ledge? You pointed it out in the previous video and the explanation for his monster-annihilating robo Bruce Lee punches means it makes even less sense. Necessary plot stupidity because Hope needed a reason to join the party which is he’s pissed at Snow for killing his mom but too much of a wimp to tell him?

    • theshamster

      Whoever made up that ‘trenchcoat’ idea needs to be hanged twice!

      Why not just give Snow some ‘magic’ gloves, so he can be like Zell from FF8? At least then we have an explanation: It’s the gloves, they rely on your life-force for power and draw from your soul to deliver devestating attacks, without the risk of self harm (like broken bones or cracked knuckles) and the gloves were prototypes designed by one of the alien races and Snow happened to find a pair on a ship, or someone gave him them as a gift.

      See! Even I can invent something that, although unlikely and far-fetched, it sure seems better than ‘magic coat’

      • doresh

        How about powered gauntlets that materialize whenever he wants (so it doesn’t disrupt his character design during conversations)? At least that’s something you can identify as a weapon.

    • Charred Newt

      It’s almost ironic: Spoony put that minotaur guy in an excruciatingly long hallway, and now he gets to review FFXIII, a game which is an excruciatingly long hallway.

    • doresh

      I think Snow was just being a dick when he let her fall to his death. At least that’s the hilarious option XD

    • Aiddon

      consistency, what’s that?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Binku-Muja/100003653927147 Binku Muja

      It makes about as much sense as characters dying in FF when you have a warehouse full of Phoenix Down and health potions and healing magic and-well you get the point.

    • http://twitter.com/JetPacksRule Nick

      Why do you think Hope is so pissed off at him the whole game?? He knew he had the super strength trench coat and couldn’t be fucked about spending a few miliseconds hauling her 120 pound ass up back onto the ledge because he had to go be a hero.

  • Segatron

    I’m really liking these “Stream of consciousness” bits you are breaking into lately. It’s funny because there’s probably a whole lot of us doing that while playing games.

    The game certainly isn’t giving us much to think about on it’s own merits. Even FF 10 had “Old Man Exposition Fairy” wandering around to explain why teenagers can safely walk through a perpetual lightning storm. And other flavor text.

  • John Shepard

    Happy New year spoony and everyone else.

    You just gave me the best gift for the new year.I honestly didn’t expect to see part 2 so soon.

  • http://www.facebook.com/san.shinobi San Shinobi

    Spoony,

    That antler-whip is actually an ancient fishing pole. Vanille had it back in the day, though God would have to go on a Wikipedia adventure to find out how she found it IN MINT CONDITION AFTER A FUCKIN’ WORLD WAR AND CENTURIES OF DISUSE!!

    • MFlorian

      Who fishes with something like that? o.O

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

        Obviously, people who want to catch more than one fish at a time.

        • SamThePsycicClam

          You do realise that is both stupid and impossible right? If a fish bites one line you would have to pull it in instantly meaning the others would go unbitten, unless you use it for sea fishing in which case just put multiple hooks on one line like you do in real life. If you want to catch multiple fish you use multiple rods it is the only way it would work

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jesse-Vaillancourt/507894169 Jesse Vaillancourt

          OOOHHHHHHHhhhhhh……. *Thumbs up* Excellent!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johan-Eriksson/1373557107 Johan Eriksson

      They just don’t make fishing rods like they used to. That and I suppose the inside of a virtually indestructible God-machine is a pretty safe place to keep something. Still a weird design for a fishing rod though, and a crappy (or nonexistent) explanation for what it is and how she found it, and why it also doubles as a magic staff.

  • http://www.facebook.com/san.shinobi San Shinobi

    Honestly, after beating Final Fantasy XIII, I was able to challenge C’thulhu to the occasional staring contest and WIN! Is that good or bad?

    • MFlorian

      You might want to get that looked at.

    • doresh

      Good or bad? Doesn’t matter. SAN is overrated anyways.

  • Mateusz K.

    Spoony! You have got to add Jeff Goldblum’s “Sarah” scream (sounds just like Serah!) from Jurassic Park The Lost World! It’s awesome for this! Can be wieved in Nostalgia Critics The Lost World review (7:27).
    I was thinking about it every time the counter got up! Please add this in the future.

    Thank you for your last year and hope to watch even more in this 2013! Good Luck to you Spoony!

  • http://www.facebook.com/joel.honkasuo Joel Honkasuo

    FF XIII Drinking Game: Take a shot every time Snow yells out “Serah!” Who’s with me?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      Fuck you, buddy, I like my liver!

  • Turcano

    What, no Children of Bodom reference?

    I’m not angry, just disappointed.

    • Wayne Davis

      To be fair Spoony had never even HEARD of them before Guitar Hero World Tour.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    I think implementing that Lightning has incestuous feelings towards her own sister would be a better subplot than the romance between Snow and Serah. That’s how bad you know Toriyama’s idea of a plot is when a subject like incest actually sounds better.

    There is so much Lightning/Serah fanart and fanfics out there.

  • Nadmozg

    Yeah.. axe cop is totaly have better plot.

  • David_Dennings

    What the fuck is that thumbnail?

  • samirerre

    spoony you are oficially my fevorite reviewer.

  • Kaio

    If I remember, Vanille and Fang woke up in the Pulse Fal’Cie’s Sanctum. Maybe she’s just hidden her weapon(?) in the Sanctum before they, Vanille and Fang, went to Cocoon… i dunno…

  • http://www.facebook.com/shitatsu.kotsuouji Shitatsu Kotsuouji

    So saying this Chickens Name is forbidden because it would destroy World … is this Chicken a God or something?

    • Kaio

      Nope. This chicken will become an annoying NPC stuff-seller in FFXIII-2.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shitatsu.kotsuouji Shitatsu Kotsuouji

    This whole Fal’Cie Curse would be cool, if they were some Kind of Ghost or Shadow and no giant alien-towers!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Fiedler/100000718118395 Ryan Fiedler

    God I know I can’t defend FF12 in the slightest, but I just can’t take “dumbest plot point ever” seriously when you are wearing an N7 shirt.

  • TCBLB

    SDMCE90sOK and 90’s Kid should cross over. DUUUUUUDE!

    Spoony, please continue to rage on lame Final Fantasy games as long as fanboys still spooge in they’re pants over them. Love the work you do.

  • Aiddon

    dear Buddha I feel BAD for Laura Bailey and Troy Baker (Serah and Snow) having to spout that GODAWFUL dialogue over and over. I was tempted to mute parts of this video because this game’s writing is so bad. It amazes me that Toriyama is being shoved down our throats as the best thing since sliced bread over at Square. It just blows my mind.

    Okay, that explanation for Snow is a BIT better, but they COULD have shown him, like, punching through armor plating and having a bunch of soldiers going “Oh…shit” when he did it. I can suspend my disbelief at a guy preferring his fists instead of a gun or melee weapons (if just for variety), but you have to have someone comment on it in-story.

    • http://electricsistahood.com KL

      Play a Tales game and P4 and you can forget this ever happened.

      • Aiddon

        no, no I can’t, in fact it just makes me MORE pissed off that they squandered good VA talent.

  • http://scheisseonkelnz.wordpress.com/ Rodrigo Ibarra

    happy friggin new year!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Filipe-Isabelinho/100000173498272 Filipe Isabelinho

    I can’t believe I’m going to comment JUST from the clip before the intro XD. Also, sarcasm on.

    I can’t believe this game (or just the characters) is so racist that no one would care if the black man died =(

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001000782571 Brogan Cordova

    Actually, I think Xenosaga and/or Star Ocean: Till the End of Time had in-game encyclopedias as well. I’m not sure which, space JRPGs kinda blend and blur together in my head. My point is iirc, they did this way better than FF13 (and Golden Sun Dark Dawn for that matter). They kinda did it to close minor plot holes, explain science in some way, and protect against nitpicking. But they were never used to exposit and explain the general idea of what’s going on in the story like it is here.

  • http://mara999.deviantart.com/ MaraBackman

    I remember back in the day of the 8bits and 16bits when most JRPGs and other games explained the plot in little booklets that came in the box, because there wasn’t enough space to put extensive intro-sequences. If you didn’t bother to read the booklet, then the game was essentially just about killing monsters and maybe doing some random shit to solve a puzzle. Back then it was okay, because the stories were often second to the gameplay, which had to be made fun to keep everyone hooked. Now with the stories being much more interactive, and Japanese fiction already being complex and weird enough as it is, then you have to explain stuff to people in the game itself rather than booklets and info-files.

  • http://www.facebook.com/cartmann94 Gilbert Cortes Guzman

    7:05. I pulled out my best Get The Fuck Out look in my head when Spoony said that. Can’t wait for the next part (or parts) of the review.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Valerie-Dicaire/100000800421372 Valérie Dicaire

    Ok I know you have explained this briefly at one point in your video, but I’m still confused as hell. What’s a fal’cie? What’s a la’cie? What’s cocoon? What’s pulse, or a pulse fal’cie…? God I wouldn’t want to be playing this game, must be so frustrating to be thrown into this world without ANY explanation whatsoever for ANYTHING, ugh! You can’t do that!

    • http://www.facebook.com/patrick.coyle.581 Patrick Coyle

      fal’Cie = Gods
      l’Cie = Chosen Ones
      Cie’th = Cursed
      Pulse = Earth/planet
      Cocoon = Self-contained low-orbital artificial habitat (which looks implausibly small from the outside)

      No idea why they decided to roll with using a bunch of made-up words for perfectly commonplace concepts with so little context. Even worse, in XIII-2, everybody will use the word “artifact” like it’s some foreign gibberish they’d never heard before.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Valerie-Dicaire/100000800421372 Valérie Dicaire

        Ok but this raises a plethora of new questions (admittedly these are from someone who has never played the game and never plans to). If Cocoon is basically a low orbit space station with a self-contained atmosphere (and ocean apparently…), how do the fal’cie get there from Pulse without creating some sort of hull-breach? Or does it teleport inside? Who built Cocoon, and why? What’s the deal with the fal’cie anyway?

        • http://www.facebook.com/patrick.coyle.581 Patrick Coyle

          Can’t tell you how much I hate myself for knowing these things, but here goes:

          Apparently, Cocoon still is breached somewhere from when Pulse invaders last attacked, a few centuries before. I guess that ubiquitous gravity tech keeps Cocoon pressurized. Meanwhile, Cocoon and the fal’Cie were created by two or three gods (actual world-maker types) to serve humans. But the gods had different agendas, which is why Pulse and Cocoon are separate.

          I don’t know how Cocoon has an ocean, or places below other places – especially if the ocean isn’t the “bottom.” I’ve never seen anyone try to map Cocoon, but I imagine its geometry would make Cthulhu feel quite at home.

  • runningerror

    I start to believe that someone at Square just didn’t notice the posted note about Snow beeing an joke and not a real charakter that has to be put into the game. But lets analyze Snows trenchcoat a little more. I don’t think that Snow could make such a device to enhance combat strength and efficiency so maybe the military made this as somekind of prototype. But if so how did Snow get it? Why is it a trenchcoat instead of a vest or a power armor? Have the trenchcoat somekind of forcefield to protect the person that wears it against harm in combat? Beacause I don’t think this is carried under combat gear. How does the trenchcoat enhance the power of the person it wears? Injections? Electric pulse to stimulate the muscles? Some future stuff? How does the trenchcoat connect to the person to enhance the power? Has it to be worn direct on the skin? Snow seams to wear normal closing underneath it so again how does it connect?

    It’s been sometime since I played this game but I think the whole l’cie thing works so that the fal’cie grants some random individual enhanced powers and magic and give them a quest to fullfill. If they do you turn into crystall if don’t you become this zombie type thing. The l’cie know they have a quest but don’t know what they should do or what the overall goal of the quest is. That is a really great way to make your plans work. Give some random dude,or Snow if you want the stupid version, magic powers and tell them they turn into a zombie if they don’t fullfill their quest they don’t know what the goal of is.

  • curaitis

    Nobody expects the Sanctum. Their chief weapon is
    surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Their two weapons are fear
    and surprise…and ruthless efficiency….

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    I hate that preview artwork. It makes Sazh look like the bad guy. If anything, Vanille would more likely traumatize poor likeable Sazh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/milo.gotje Milo Gotje

    So the chocobo that lives in sash hair is the doctor?

    Also dear god spoony how long is this review going to be? 20 parts? I know that this game
    is nitpicker heaven but this is ridiculous.

    • Kaio

      Doctor … who? Oh my god! The world is collapsing!

  • RubbaNoze

    Happy new year, Spoony, Miles, and the other viewers!
    Thanks for this video, it sweetened my new years day =)
    I look forward to more of this and counter monkey stories in 2013!

  • http://www.facebook.com/Covarr Andrew Covarrubias

    Did you seriously just compare FF13 negatively to Peter Chimaera?! Actually, I can dig that, Peter Chimaera is pretty awesome.

    That said, FF13 still has a better story than Mirror’s Edge. I was replaying that recently, and even by the end of the game we have no clearer image of the bad guys than “they’re evil because they’re oppressing the good guys in some vague, never defined way.”

  • Mrzwanzig

    Great video Spoony, but jeez, this is going to be XIII parts at this rate. Alright, as someone who actually likes this game, I figure I might as well offer some sort of defense/explanation regarding some of your complaints in this video. Excuse me if this gets long, and feel free to agree or disagree.

    I had not heard about the trenchcoat thing before. And yes, that is completely retarded and hilarious. Though I’m pretty sure that shit isn’t anywhere in the game, datalog or otherwise.

    In my opinion, the game explains most of the relevant stuff rather well. You rarely even need the datalog, except for some background on locations and stuff (making it sort of redundant, but that’s another matter). True, the world of the game isn’t well developed, unlike in many previous FF games, but I’d argue that the world isn’t the main focus of the story anyway. It’s primarily a character-driven story, focusing on how the main characters react to being thrown in what is pretty much a no-win scenario. And personally I think the characters work off each other very well (chapter 8 especially was a highlight), and I even like all of them at least somewhat. I find that a lot of the hate this game gets is about what it isn’t, instead of what it is. It’s certainly very different, but it works if you approach it as it’s own game, rather than a classic FF game.

    Concerning the Bodhum vestige, the vestige is the big building, a relic from Pulse that landed there during the war of transgression. The Fal’Cie is the thing the party fights and was only recently discovered inside of it, I think it awoke at the same time as Vanille and Fang did. Unfortunately, the nature of the vestige is one of those few things that really isn’t explained well outside of the datalog, so yeah.

    Vanille’s weapon, while stupidly designed (luckily she should never use it after chapter 2) is actually explained later if you pay attention. The place where she finds it is the same as where she and Fang woke up from crystal stasis. Though you might wonder why she didn’t take it then but hey, you can hardly fault a person for forgetting to look for it after being asleep for 500 years.

    Keep in mind, I’m not saying the story doesn’t have problems, because it has some major ones, particularly towards the end, where a lot of things do largely go unexplained. The main reason I really like this game is because of the combat. It may not have exploration, minigames or a lot of the other stuff FF is known for, but damn it if it doesn’t have the most fun, strategic and challenging combat in the series.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      I know what you mean when you say strategic — even though you auto-fight through most of the battles, the real focus is on changing party formations — but I still strongly disagree. You can generally get through the game using COM/COM/COM (for swarms), COM/RAV/RAV (for lone enemies), and COM/SEN/MED (to heal without losing your chain bonus). The other formations are only useful in a handful of fights.

  • panzi

    There is a time when you pause a video and read Wikipedia to find out whats going on and it’s not a shitty movie/game: When you’re watching (some) Shakespeare plays. But granted, it’s probably only because we are (I am) lacking the cultural context.

  • panzi

    Can’t wait for part 3! :)

  • Erebus_Locke

    A 5 minute rant on a FANTASY element in a FANTASY game called Final FANTASY? -_-

    Come one Spoony…Thats not intelligent critizism, thats lazy nitpicking.

    • Wayne Davis

      No, lazy is dismissing plot points/holes and/or details by saying “Eh, it’s Fantasy” or “Magic did it”

      • Spectr

        The trenchoat a plot hole? What the fuck are you talking about?

        Totally agree with Erebus here. The old FF reviews by Spoony were way better.

        • Sol_Badguy

          Okay…if the trenchcoat gives him super-strength, then why couldn’t Snow pull up the 100+ pound woman? You’re right, it’s not a plothole, it’s a fucking blackhole of logic.

          • Merost

            “A blackhole of logic”

            Wow Spoonys cocksuck-army has arrived.

          • Sol_Badguy

            Oh look, a generic insulting comment that most likely is the result of a pissed-off fanboy of Final Fantasy 13!

            Stay in school, kid, you’re apparently 25 years too early to be out of it.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            So you assume everyone who likes XIII is a rabid fanboy who can’t see any wrong in XII whatsoever?

            I like XIII but were moments in it that pissed me off and now I perspective is being destroyed by Spoony and yes, he wants everyone to hate XIII like him.

          • firewalker

            I dont like XIII but I also dont like the review by the way.

            Stuff like the “oh my gawd why are the trees made of crystal…” – Thats not THAT important, right?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Let scenery porn just be scenery porn. Not EVERYTHING has to be in context. Games can lose points for little exposition but it can be a major bore if there’s too much exposition. XIII clearly has no balance.

          • Kreeze

            Of course it’s important. Consistency in story telling is important. Things need a reason and explanation to be there or it’s completely stupid, pointless and can’t be taken seriously. The smaller elements are equally as important as the bigger ones. The lack of attention to detail is what ruins these games.

          • Sol_Badguy

            Hmm, no, the wording on my phrasing implies that it assumes the person I replied to is a fanboy, but suggests that there’s a possibility that it’s not true: hence the “most likely is the result of…” portion of it.

            As for your second statement, just a few questions: what’s stopping you from liking the game? Is this one internet critic’s review of the game you love really all that powerful that it is shaking the very fabric of your existence in twain? Let’s assume what you said about him wanting everyone to hate FF13, like him, is true: how is he forcing you to hate it exactly? Are you not your own person? Do you have to conform to adhere to the mass-acceptance of society or pop-culture?

            If you like the game, then like it from a subjective view. If you do that, it’s going to be a good game to you regardless of what anyone else says. But, if you want to approach this game and try to compare it to similar games of its style, then you need to approach it from an objective stance, where feelings take a backseat to logic (think Vulcan from Star Trek, except less robotic).

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Let me ask you this question. Let’s say if everything was explained in XIII about the locations, characters and devices, would the story itself be better than what it is now?

            I asked this because I would try to rewrite XIII’s story and script and IF I get into Square-Enix and showed it to whoever’s in charge, then maybe XIII’s canon story would be completely rewritten for a 16-bit for 2019 WITHOUT Motomu Toriyama involved because he clearly wrote the story as he went along making the game rather than simply write the story long before bringing up the idea of what XIII should be like.

          • lastsigma

            Sorry, buddy, but I hate FF10-14. A lot. I used to love the old games on SNES and to a slightly lesser extent the PS1 games, never played 8 but disliked the demo. Spoony’s lampooning of the recent games starting with eight were great.

            This is a garbage review. It sucks. I can’t even force myself to watch the whole of part 2. I made it 12 minutes of his rambling before I turned off the video. It’s like he’s making a Vlog about the game while still coming off as a complete idiot.

            There are so many things to hate about the game, yet he wastes his time (and mine) talking about robes, Star Wars, himself, his thought processes, and never seems to get to the meat of what makes Final Fantasy 13 horrible.

            Marzgurl has a video where she talks about the game for 15 minutes and has covered far more than he has in 50. Sad, even for Noah.

          • Sol_Badguy

            I agree, the review is unfocused and seems to be spent on minute aspects of the game, but I would argue that’s probably unavoidable. The small aspects are all over the place and are deeply tied into this future setting. If you’re going to set those aside and talk about them specifically, not including them in your rant against the story, then you’re going to be forced to stick to an unfocused, seemingly stream of consciousness writing as you talk about each one and the questions they raise. Trust me, these are valid questions about FF13’s universe, which points out exactly how much filler is inside this damn game and how much the characters (and writer for that matter) pull shit right out of their ass.

            By all means, I’m not defending this review, because I hate its style myself. But I’m also not going to bash the guy for the style either, since I think it’s still a valid form of a review. If you don’t like it and want to complain about it, then more power to you, you have valid arguments as well.

          • lastsigma

            Okay, you make some good points. Might not be my cuppatea. But he really needs to sit down and plan out this review, unless he’s trying to make the review reflect the game more. I suppose that would be smart, if it weren’t so obnoxious to watch.

            They are pulling stuff out various asses because it looks cool, but that’s only a tiny tiny fraction of the problems with FF13. I’m probably being unfairly harsh, but Noah isn’t going to read this anyway.

            The biggest issue with FF13, and in my opinion 12 & 10, is that they continue to push the player further away from control of the game. In X, you controlled the combat and navigated the player from Point A to Point B. You had branching in the area and good turn based combat. In FF12 they did something similar, but gave you an optimal option of turning most of the fighting over to AI. They also pushed the player further into a meaningless role in the story, X being Tidus’ almost useless addition to the story (until you know everything), and Van being absolutely absent to the course of events.

            In 13 it all comes to a head with the combat being on autopilot with AI controlled characters (that you can barely tweak said AI) and a story that doesn’t even have a lead character for the player to latch onto. It’s a complete mess that needs to be railed.

            I’d just expect the guy who articulated my disappointment with FF8 to do just as well at the rest, which to his credit he did again (with a few hiccups) with X. Maybe I’m just projecting though and blowing it out of proportion. It is just a game, and he’s just a guy on the internet talking about it.

          • http://electricsistahood.com KL

            So you even played the MMO Final Fantasys? That’s a long way to go for someone who hated all 4 games in a row, but at least you put in the effort to play them. I have liked the PS era games and onward (to varying degrees), but I’m one of those people who was introduced to the games with 7. My favorites have become 7, 9 and 12.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Ahh, a small allusion to the ol’ Hater Paradox.

            Someone who hates a series either:
            -Gets flak for continuing to play the series despite hating it.

            -Gets called ignorant because they stopped playing the series, tries to comment on the later games anyway.

          • http://electricsistahood.com KL

            Except I didn’t call him a hater. I have a lot of respect for people who actually play a game before they formulate an opinion on it.

            YES you are ignorant if you comment on something you have no personal experience with! That’s like me standing up in the middle of a lecture by a PhD and telling him what I think is right. You could watch a review or a “let’s play” but that’s not the same as playing the whole darn thing, or even an hour of it.

            If someone wants to call something shit, I much prefer a solid reason behind it, not some armchair BS.

          • Atmos_Duality

            I know, I wasn’t counter-arguing against you, just commenting on a very old internet chestnut. It astonishes me how after so long how some people still don’t understand the Hater Paradox (in context, the haters, not you).

          • lastsigma

            I do not like MMOs in general. I tried 11 because a friend of mine claimed it was completely different from other MMOs. 14 did not warrant a purchase, but I did try the beta (and quit after 5 hours).

            I first played the original, and I won’t call it a masterpiece but it was a good idea. It worked and even the odd story worked to a degree. Each game has tried something different up to FF7, which is a great game but has flaws that rarely get mentioned. The creators kept trying to push for the standard built of 7 into each game up to 10, which then became the most successful so each game since has tried to ape it in different ways.

            12 is a bad game because it doesn’t really require much effort and the world feels like a vast desert with little direction. The story leaves the player in the role of a lackey, and the leveling system is a few measures above FF2(JP).

          • http://electricsistahood.com KL

            I’ve never played FF2.

            I totally disagree that it doesn’t require much effort. That depends on the enemies you’re facing. I fought Yiazmat for HOURS, and that was not an effortless encounter. I also disagree about it being a vast desert.

            I can’t disagree that the lead male character is weak, because you don’t care about his story not nearly as much as you should, but I loved the characters in the game still.

          • lastsigma

            In FF2 you have to level up each attribute separately, hit points by being hit, magic by casting it, ect. It’s really tedious and adds nothing to the game, hence why it’s easily compared to the license system in 12. Why do I need a different license to use a stick of different material? How about a cloth hat and a leather hat? It’s a waste of time and adds nothing to the game.

            And beating certain bosses in 12 probably is difficult, but in order to get to them you wade through dozens of hours of fights you don’t have to look at the screen to beat. I fell asleep in the second dungeon looking thing in the game and woke up an hour later 3 levels higher because I’d set everyone to cast heal spells at half health and use a potion at one quarter.

            That means in the first two hours of the game you can set up your partner AI to where you don’t even need to be awake (just slightly pressing forward) to advance. You won’t get anywhere very quickly, but you can level up. And this problem is completely unique to Final Fantasy games. Can you name one other game that has combat almost automatic but still presumably wants you to participate in it? I can’t.

          • http://electricsistahood.com KL

            I guess I just don’t find these things to be a problem for me. Psuedo MMO? OK. Auto-pilot party? OK! You can turn them off though, so if you have a problem with them operating on their own, making the game less challenging, you just control each of them manually, as if it was any other FF game. The license system also wasn’t a snag for me, either.

            I can see why people wouldn’t want that, though. It’s always interesting to see where game design falls for people. I’ve had problems with some systems in games, but it’s usually not a problem for me in FF games.

          • Vic_Fontaine

            The times when he had an “army” are over…If you check other forums his fanbase is deteriorating. As are his site visits according to Google and Alexa.

            And I dont understand why he doesnt find back to his old strength. His videos were brilliant, without being overprocuded. Him being just himself made them so funny. He encountered something funny, commented on it, and then moved on.
            Now it seems he has to talk about every titbit in endless length.

          • Bluestreak

            Yahtzee from Zero Punctuation commented on it in a recent reddit-interview.

            He said he was a great fan of Spoonys old stuff like “The Thing”, but dislikes the course he has taken now. He said now its too unnatural, too fake.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Yahtzee is still Yahtzee and his style of reviews have never changed which is good. Spoony’s trying too hard to be overly long and complex.

          • Atmos_Duality

            I maintain it wasn’t Channel Awesome that was the worst thing to happen to Spoony, it was the legions of sycophant fans that defended every bad decision he made.

          • Markus Criticus

            Wow. What a constructive way to respond to a valid argument by somebody, who dared to disagree with you.

          • doresh

            Or more specifically: If trench coats can make you punch out giant robots, does that mean those mooks with actual armor can lift entire buildings?

        • Kreeze

          Obviously the trench coat complaint is a bit of a nitpick but then again this isn’t the end of the review now is it? There are probably still plenty more parts to go and plenty more bigger reasons he dislikes this game.

        • Markus Criticus

          What are YOU talking about? How is not a plot hole? Even if it’s not plot hole, it’s still a lame hand-wave, that raises more question that answers.

          1. How did he get it?

          2. Why is he only one using it?

          3. Why does it sometimes work and sometimes doesn’t?

    • BenMiller

      Thanks. Finally someone speaks out what I kept thinking. His recent videos seem so forced….

    • Sol_Badguy

      It WOULD be nitpicking if these useful devices weren’t thrown in out of nowhere, with barely any explanation given as to how it works, what its limits are, and why they don’t use them in situations that they could be potentially used in.

      I’ll beat Spoony to this…the Eidolons, for example (I’m taking this strictly from FF13, not yet going onto FF13-2): What exactly are the Eidolons? Where do they come from? Why do the Eidolons have different unique looks? Why are these l’Cie able to summon these Eidolons and no other l’Cie can? Does Serah have an Eidolon? How are they tied in with the fal’Cie’s branding? Why does the Eidolon show itself to do battle with the user before it obeys them? Why are the Eidolons limited to a time limit in battle, but aren’t limited in that one cutscene where they raid Cocoon? If they are some sort of metaphysical representation of the character, or a part of them, then what does their shapes symbolize? Why does Snow have two Eidolons? Why are Snows Eidolons female? Does that mean that Eidolons have genders and have sex, or are they just some sort of psychological sexual repression that Snow is enduring? Why are the Eidolons able to turn into vehicles? Why don’t the characters use these vehicles every time they need to get somewhere, like they did in the cutscene I mentioned before? Now, I will admit that I have asked some questions that I know have answers and some that may not be important in the grand scheme of things, but they are all legitimate questions none the less as to the origin of these Eidolons and how they work.

      If you still say these are nitpicks, then you are indirectly admitting that you have no idea what goes into a proper story. This, specifically, is called consistency. You don’t introduce something as powerful as Eidolons, a techno-colored power-dreamcoat, a gravity controller, or some universe-destroying chocobo chick without explaining it enough for the audience to draw some conclusion as to potential uses and the limitations of these items or else you open up what are called “plot holes”.

      Hell, even Dragon Ball Z had more explanations and limitations to its bullshit powers; granted they were still bullshit fantasy elements thrown out of fucking nowhere in the long run, but at least they made more of an effort to explain them compared to Final Fantasy 13 and it’s “FANTASY, MAGIC AND SCIENCE! LULZ!” excuse.

      If the writers are not going to bother caring about the story, then why the hell should I?

      • Kaio

        I red somewhere, that Snow’s Eidolons symbolize the Farron sisters (Lightning and Serah)… for what reason I don’t know… maybe in a sexual way of thinking it makes sense.

        • Sol_Badguy

          You know, I actually was thinking that myself when I was writing my post. I added the sexual repression thing, because if we entertain the thought of the Shiva sisters being representations of the Farron sisters, then this whole “true love” romance between Snow and SERAH! is put into deep question. Mind you that the Shiva sister’s vehicle form is that of them scissoring each other and Snow rides them both.

          FREUDIAN SYMBOLISM!!!

          I honestly think the guys who made FF13 actually played the Persona series and “took” a few ideas from it. Namely the fact the characters each have their own summons and the summons mean something to that character. But that’s just my own theory…

          • Kaio

            “Mind you that the Shiva sister’s vehicle form is that of them scissoring each other and Snow rides them both.” This can become fanfiction material… OMG… XD

          • Kaio

            Well, I spent my time to think about it, just a little.

            What does symbolize the Vanille’s Eidolons? Some kind of multi-dildo-machine?
            And Lightinig likes Zoophilia?!?!
            What about Sazh? His obsession for dunebuggies and heavy vehicles is alarming, does he feel a lack somewhere?
            Hope has an inferiority complex… maybe.
            Fang is a mistery. Does she simply want to fly?

        • http://twitter.com/Barraind Stephen Ryan

          Snow’s Eidolons are the aspects of Shiva. Nix (a humanoid water sprite) and Stria (the remains of a glacier). It is literally “A humanoid water sprite made from the remains of a glacier”, which is pretty much exactly what Shiva is in Final Fantasy lore.

      • Kreeze

        Couldn’t have put it better myself, good read.

        “FANTASY, MAGIC AND SCIENCE! LULZ!” excuse.

        Lol, that’s really the only argument most these FFXIII fanboys have. Blame everything on magic and time paradoxes and expect us all to just roll with it? To be honest though, I don’t think even play the game for the storyline and probably more for gameplay aspect.

      • http://twitter.com/Barraind Stephen Ryan

        Eidolons take a little bit from their previous forms of Final Fantasy, as well as representing the personalities of the group. Shiva is Stria (glacier) and nix (humanoid water sprite, usually female), which is exactly what shiva is in FF games. She also represents Snow’s elemental theme. Metaphorically, its Snows belief that Crystalization can come from either the Human will or the Cie will. Bahamut is an androgynous dragon of the amazonian world-killer. Hetaconchir is the nightmare in Vanille’s mind. Odin is symbolism (Odin is the person ON the horse usually, but here, he IS the horse, and Lightning is the rider, a juxtoposition from Norse lore) of Lightning as the main character in a series that largely tries to foist teenage boys on at the last second. Alexander is a large rampart, and represents Hope’s emotional walls. Brynhildr is Sazh’s temprament.

        Not all L’Cie have Eidolon. Fang technically has and/or is two, as she has Ragnarok inside her still.

        Eidolons arent limited in cut-scenes, because they are cus-scenes. Also, eidolon presence decreases significantly as they are actively damaged, which they arent in the lengthier cut scenes. And going into 13-2, as the user gains power, so does the Eidolon (Lightning has more or less full control of Odin at that point, for instance).

        Spoony (and a lot of other people) bring up a lot of points that are already explained in game, even in cut-scenes and battle mechanics.

        The characters dont use them all the time, because it takes a bit of energy to do it, its not permanent, and by the time they are in an area you’d feel comfortable using them (most of Cocoon is kind of a terrible place to be using a motorcycle, for instance), they get the ability to teleport between Cie stones.

    • http://www.facebook.com/patrick.coyle.581 Patrick Coyle

      Maybe I don’t read enough fantasy fiction, but are there any good fantasy stories with extraordinary feats or odd inconsistencies that never get acknowledged, let alone given even the most feeble justification?

      I mean, Final Fantasy games and other RPGs often have those problems, but it was forgivable when the stories were being used drive the gameplay. Now that FF has become all about the stories, with the gameplay tacked on to pad them out, they can’t be disregarded so easily.

    • firewalker

      THANKS THANKS THANKS.

      Thought I was the only one. “Waaaa why are the tress made of crystal…” I DONT FUCKING CARE. Shit like that neednt be explained in a game called Final FANTASY -__-
      My imagination is developed enough to allow for crystal trees.
      Oh and Spoony doesnt know what a “Belt” is in relation to plants? Come on.

      But seriously, this is so far Spoonys weakest review in my opinion :(

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      I think he is ranting about the sci fi setting of a futuristic game called final fantasy where science seems to be the driving force of that world.

      I mean discworld is better at explaining the fantasy element of the disk.
      the book tell you the rules of the world and some exposition about what you need to know about the setting to understand the story.

      And if you have not heard about Diskworld that world does not make any sence but it is more welcoming but this game.

      Before arguing about Fantasy try reading some fantasy books.

    • Atmos_Duality

      As annoying as those long rants are getting (they feel like padding, honestly), I can’t blame him for nitpicking here.

      FF13 is a vacuum of entertainment set on some of the longest fucking rails in all of gaming.

      The characters are obnoxious, the plot, when not being obfuscated, is contrived, stupid or cliche’. Every legitimately cool idea it presents, it deliberately keeps out of the player’s hands because if the player was given any actual agency, the game would be over in minutes.

      (Like the Shiva Bikes, the Anti-Gravity device LIghtning uses, or half of the high-tech weapons in the game.
      If film’s golden rule is “Show, Don’t Tell”, gaming’s should be “Do, Don’t Show”.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/infit4 Nick Godbout

    Oh wow. I actually didn’t expect an update this soon. Either that, or the time between this and the first video just flew by because of the holidays.

  • http://twitter.com/FalvadorUlaf Falvador Ulaf

    You ever hear of Last Story, Spoony? Not sure if you have a Wii, but I recommend you review that. It deserves a Spoony treatment.

  • Dan Schuett

    Ok now I have to play this game. With most of Spoony’s reviews I can still enjoy them even if I lack context (haven’t played the game, seen the movie), but with this one I get the feeling I’m going to need that in order for the rest of the review to make sense. Good video but I can’t shake the feeling I’m missing something.

  • http://www.facebook.com/patrick.coyle.581 Patrick Coyle

    Regarding the question of who still cares about Final Fantasy, the only solid answer I can think of is “cosplayers.” I can’t imagine any other reason Tetsuya Nomura gets a “Character Design by” credit on title screens now, and sometimes gets top billing even over directors and story creators in credit sequences.

    • doresh

      Lol, now I wanna see a Nero the Sable cosplayer XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-McMahon/592583778 John McMahon

    I played and beat this game, and if I may, Spoony, I found it quite the reverse, they explained the same crap over and over, as if I hadn’t gotten it the first time, and always in scenes with really out of place dialogue. I understood character motivations, but it got annoying how many times they stopped to explain these motivations over and over, granted in no greater detail than the last time they explained them. And yes, I know you’re fans/yourself would immediately counter-argue, with the point of that nothing specific about the Psicom, Eidolons, the Military in general, the Fal’cie, the L’cie and so on was, explained, to which I must reply, perhaps I’m insane, but they explained enough that I either could fill in the blanks, or I caught on that whatever it was wasn’t important to the story, and therefore not worth explaining (example; the robes, there’s no point explaining it, because it doesn’t matter, because it’s not important to the story).

    Also, if I may, no, after the Blitzball turning a man to stone in FF10, the Blaster Edge in FF8, Cait Sith’s megaphone and Tifa’s own ridiculous hand-to-hand in FF7 and then turning around and consider Snow’s “SuperTrench3000″ out of place is silly, in fact it seems to fit right in. Also, the robots being easily destroyed by hand-to-hand, you played FF7 right? Did you not see Tifa constantly and routinely fist fight robots, giant sand worms and worse until they turned into red goo?

    Now I’m not saying these things weren’t stupid, and I will agree it makes no sense to establish the purpose of items and stuff without bothering to introduce what they are and why they can’t use them all the time, but to focus on this seems like going after little fish, when really, the stupidest parts of this game are simple; the terrible out-of-place dialogue, the constant repetitive exposition every five minutes, the Tidusness of Hope, the Ferris Bueller level lies and manipulation from Vanille, the stupidity-misunderstood-as-courage of Snow, the fact that every scene in which an Eidolon is captured, in pokemon fashion of course, it is led up to by complete abject stupidity, in which immediately after the characters involved state their willingness and intention to go along, A-FUCKING-GAIN.

    I will admit there were some parts that I liked, and I seemed to grow a relative tolerance to the game in general it seems better than others, and the only disagreements I have is about the lack of explanation (about certain things anyways), and the need to focus on the lesser evils of the game, otherwise yes, a lot of this stuff is stupid.

    • doresh

      So the game fails even when it explains stuff? What were they smoking Oo ?

      And Tifa’s weapons are Materia-powered gloves. That’s at least something you can recognize – and USE – as a weapon.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-McMahon/592583778 John McMahon

        To be honest, the best explanations I can think of include Spoony’s comment that they make these games out of obligation, the other reason that I can think of, despite being a long shot, is that Japanese 8-16 year old girls (their equivalent of the Twilight audience) actually play video games unlike their Western equivalent and that’s who Final Fantasy games have become marketed towards, alienating the 8-16 year old male audience that had been established in the West by previous games. Still, the latter is guesstimation at best.

        Also, I’d agree with you but Spoony did say that the explanation of “it’s magic-based” wasn’t an acceptable one either, and even if they did go with that explanation for Snow, Spoony would still have made a point of mentioning it, because it’s another reason to mention Snow and make him seem retarded (he doesn’t need to work so hard though, just play any given cut-scene with Snow in it).

        • doresh

          Seems a bit strange trying to attract a (probably smaller) target audience by alienating the (bigger) old one.

          And Snow can’t do anything right, can he XD ?

  • whitmore

    So, to recap, fal’Cie tell people to do stuff or else become a zombie, but if they succeed they become rocks. Oh, and they don’t actually TELL their subjects what to do. Um… fal’Cie? If you guys make SNOW seem like a good leader by comparison, you SERIOUSLY need to rethink your lives.

    • doresh

      When you say it like that, it’s almost like the fal’Cie are just immortal dicks looking for entertainment.

      • whitmore

        Lol all fal’Cie are the Kurgan.

      • Atmos_Duality

        That’s actually very close to their real portrayal.
        This becomes less surprising when you realize how many jrpgs treat deity-like beings as bipolar assholes.

        • doresh

          Another reason why I prefer the Shin Megami Tensei series: Gods in this franchise have easy-to-understand and believable motivations.
          Doesn’t hurt that you can recruit said gods into your party either XD

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            I keep on hearing good things about Shin Megami Tensei but the only one i played, Shin Megami Tensei: Lucifer’s Call was as easy to get into as slamming my head through a wall.

            It seemed dragged out and I lacked any character motivations from the cast in the begining,

            I mean who am I? And who are my friends who came with me to the hospital? Why did i go see my teacher at the hospital? And what the fuck is up with the Labyrinth of Amala and do i need to finish it to continue the game? And why is Dante from Devil May cry here?

            I’m not complaining I just wanted the game to tell me. After a few hours of grinding, and some plot i gave up.

            im still willing to say that the game got my attention. the pacts with devils, the devil fusion and the combat system where great!
            it just did not let me in.

            Well i guess that was my fault for not using any game guides or walkthoughts

          • doresh

            - You’re a normal school student who was at the right place at the right time, as are your friends

            – You’re visiting your teacher because she is sick. I recall the game telling you this

            – The Labyrinth is an optional dungeon granting you access to new demons (and an optional superboss after the final boss) added to “Nocturne Maniax”, an extended version of “Shin Megami Tensei 3: Nocturne” (the Japanese name of the game). The western release is based on Maniax.

            – Dante is a little Cameo that actually makes some kind of sense (since he’s a demon hunter, and all the critters in the SMT universe are called “demons”) and was later repaid when Kazuma Kaneko (character and monster designer for pretty much every SMT game except Persona 3 and 4) designed Dante’s Devil Trigger look in DMC3.

            As for the gameplay: Lucifer’s Call / Nocturen is NOT very newbie-friendly. It is very oldschool in it’s overall design and just a little bit more linear than the previous 2 main entries on the SNES. Oh, and some of the bosses are downright sadistic and almost impossible without lots of trial and error (or GameFaqs).

            I don’t blame you when you put the game away after a while. I myself did it (was a bit too young to fully appreciate it).

            Thankfully, the latter games are more easy to get into. Thankfully, they all share a very similar combat system, so you should have a lot of fun regardless of your choice:

            – pick Digital Devil Saga 1+2 if you want a more FF-ish experience (since there’s no demon recruiting or fusion, but some kind of Sphere Grid).

            – pick Persona 3 FES if you want a more linear, character-driven experience and don’t mind AI partners.

            – pick Persona 4 if you DO mind AI partners.

            I would highly recommend you check out one of those two Persona games (you don’t have to play them in order, but there are some nods in P4). It has great characters and a good story.
            Once you’ve grown more accustomed to the series, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the older games a lot more ;-)

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            i might just do that if i ever decide to get another console.

            But seriously my real problem with the game was not that it had a problem getting the story across, it just never got me to care.

            And for the combat it was not the difficulty of the boss fights that got to me. it was more of a lack of motivation to continue after the boss fights.

            its one of the 2 games that I own that made me to quit because of apathy: this game and FF12

            And when you’re talking to a guy that finished Bloodwings at the age 10 that is kind of sad

          • doresh

            A bit sad, yeah ^^

            “Get another console”? All those games I mentioned are for PS2 as well XD

            And if you want motivation, you’ll find it in Persona 3 or . Pick 4 if you want to be extra motivated XD

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Yes “Get another console” as in I don’t have a PS2 anymore and have not gotten another console after I sold my PS3.

            I used to have a PS2&3 to play JRPGs and after i saw what was going on with the genre I sold the PS3 to spare me the disappointment of the next 60$ jrpg witch i would have bought if i still had the console for it.

          • doresh

            Well, at least a PS2 shouldn’t be too expensive nowadays.

    • http://twitter.com/Barraind Stephen Ryan

      The Fal’cie dont give any amount of shits if you do what they want you to, because they can just make someone else do it if you fail, and most of the unsolved were “go kill monster(s)”. Also, they give you dreams about what they want.

      Thats one reason Barthandalus is trying to blow up the world, because even Supreme Lord Jackass sees how fucked up stuff on that world had become.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ChusterMerino Chuster M. Merino

    Poor Spoony. I hope that the reward of this review/torture is a long blowjob from Lightning… wait, at the end, she becames a Valkyrie or some crap like that and flews away in the time-and-space continuum only to fuck more a franchise that was already dead since FF VII.

    Poor Spoony :(

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      That is so wrong what you just said. Spoony will either kill Snow or Vanille plus Spoony admits he likes Lightning so far.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jaakko.hosioja Jaakko Hosioja

    It’s one thing to spend full price for the game and then see what it really is, but I bought the whole fucking ps3 mainly for FF13. I do have other games on it now, but the reason I got it was this game.. yup, this was the one that taught me never to get overly excited about a game.

    • doresh

      Well, at least you can now play Disgaea 3 and 4 XD

  • jesseastle

    But it gets better after the twenty hour tutorial… is what people have told me. I gave up ten hours in. I don’t mind one or two annoying characters but when it’s the main character? No thank you.

  • scorptatious

    I think they mentioned that Sazh’s chocobo was supposed to be a present for his son. I could be wrong though.

    Also, I don’t remember the whole chocobo’s name thing ever happening in the game. Unless you’re talking about XIII-2, as I’ve never played that game.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      It is a present, and the chocobo’s identity is revealed in XIII-2.

      And don’t listen to Spoony. It might not be worth the new release price of $60, but now you can get it for like 20 bucks on Amazon (and that includes shipping, I think).

      I will say this much: given the choice between Portal 2 for $20, and XIII-2 for $20, I’d pick XIII-2 every time.

      • http://twitter.com/Tony7wsfk Tony

        Even $20 is a rip off. I paid, I think, $60 or close to it and after playing it to the end, I wouldn’t even pay $5 for it unless I could sell it again for a profit. Other than two of the songs, the ability to say “I played the shit storm that was FFXIII to the ‘The End’ screen,” and, at most, a scene or two that was mildly interesting, I gained nothing of value. It was either bad, really bad, or I felt completely apathetic for it.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

          No no, I didn’t say XIII was worth $20. I said XIII-2 was worth $20.

          • http://twitter.com/Tony7wsfk Tony

            Then why would you say “Don’t listen to Spoony.” when he’s talking about XIII? It’s like you accidentally added a -2, or added one in an edit later on.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

            Because in Part 1, Spoony said about XIII-2 “It gets way, WAY worse.” To which I disagree.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Edward-Graham-Peeler-Jr/1602215514 Edward Graham Peeler Jr.

    Ahh…Anti-life justifies my hate…of Final Fantasy.

    Great review man.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Timo-Takalo/503889411 Timo Takalo

    Doesn’t this game have a party member who is a middle-aged badass veteran who makes you wish the entire story was about him/her?

  • rowdycmoore

    You know, I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve actually contributed to that Final Fantasy Wiki. I wrote the walkthrough on there for Final Fantasy Adventure. And I’m also not afraid to say that Final Fantasy Adventure, which still has FF fanboys screaming that it’s not really an FF game, is STILL BETTER than any of the FF games Spoony’s reviewed here!!!

  • rowdycmoore

    Okay, I’m sure someone has posted this by now, but…
    “Have you ever seen any movie that required you to frequently hit the pause button and go read Wikipedia entries on everyone, everything and every place that was just mentioned?”
    Yes I have. It was called Southland Tales.

  • Tambaloneus Derpaloneus

    This was one of my favourites so far, I am in tears of laughter here, top form! I played it simply coz… finally a female lead who kicks ass and isn’t the subject of yet another dreary romance subplot n stuff. Yeh whatever, but like you I was bewildered 99.9% of the time. I don’t even remember being that bewildered playing fuckin ff8. I loved this review.

  • http://www.facebook.com/KoeLeos KOstantinos Piou ELeftheriadis

    Ironicly one of the most annoying characters in the game… VANILLE aarrrgghhh …with the trademark phrace (while free falling with no parasuite or gravity device) are you okay Hope !?
    i seriously expecting a ”are you ok lady” joke here from spoony. ..has the most moraly complex backround in many games…
    She is a stupidly cheerly village girl in her teens who is picked by Gods to play half the role (she needed Fang too) in a Masse Planetery Murder, can you imagine the casualties ??? She obviously and not for being a coward refuzed to become Ragnarock alongside Fang (which was the dutyfull soldier, accomplice the mission nomatter whatever the cause we are gonna become techno-zombies) and since the Gods are bitches they froze them to kill another day..
    She wakes up and realizes that the its all happening again, in which occation she choses to lie amnisia (a very natural reaction if you ask me).
    THE the BITCH GODS choose (probably for antimidation and not for being just cowards) a random nearby 8yo kid (zashs son) just for self protection (like that kid could help in defending them in any way) when Fang suggested an attack..
    After escaping she has enough BALLS to say FUCK IT, i wont muderd an entire planet.and desides to wait to become a zombie and she was even denied that bacause someone closeby SEEEERRAAAAAAHH was made a L’Cie…i thouroghly expected at somepoint Vanille to go KRATOS on a Falcie…cause if you thing about it exept with vengence to keep you alive how even someone could cope with these kinda shocks (without using drugs) is beyond me and again she finds herself forced to continue on the ”mission”

    A weill done, moraly complex and very very interesting to watch backround was burried in all the BullShit of this game gives. at one point i cared more about what will happen with Vanille than the ending of the game cause certainly in another good game the entire vanille drama would be one of the most epic moments to watch..
    P.S sorry for the bad english, its not my first language… :-)

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      Bad spelling and grammar I can totally understand.

      Failure to break up your walls of text into readable paragraphs, however, is not covered by the “first language” excuse.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    GameFAQs is, without a doubt, the most despicable to place for a XIII fan to be. Even LIghtning and Sazh receive the worst hatred from GameFAQs. If anyone simply wants to like Final Fantasy XIII, stay the hell away from GameFAQs! Avoid it all costs.

  • Wayne Davis

    Anyone gonna comment on the title card? I mean seriously, what the actual fuck is up with it? It’s HORRIBLE! Bad art AND nightmare fuel in one badly drawn package!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I hate how it demonises Sazh. If anything, Vanille should be jailed for reacting to the situations in the worst possible matter, turning Sazh’s son into a l’Cie and flat-out lie to everyone regardless of her intentions. Plus Vanille ended up sleep back-to-back with Sazh because she wanted to even though she made a line between her and Sazh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nash-Knight/740228999 Nash Knight

    Actually, this doesn’t seem like the worst game or the worst FF sequel of all time. It’s the standard FF nonsense, giant robots, guys with weird hairdos, little girls and aliens. At least there’s no volley balls of imminent destruction or galaxy traversing girl bands. But there’s still time (and at least one more part)

  • Zero Tiamat

    I feel kinda stupid asking this, but what is up with this coverart for this episode? I dont get it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      Vanille LOOKS underage.

      And that’s pretty much it. The entire joke is founded on that misconception.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Binku-Muja/100003653927147 Binku Muja

        There is a scene in the game where she and Sahz get seperated from the group. Partway through the level they decide to rest-that is where the sleeping-back-to-back thing came from.

  • kingdomofthesaints

    Spoony, I dunno if it’s a problem with my PC, but suddenly Springboard is not working anymore and I can’t watch any of your videos again.
    I’m just making sure you’re aware of the issue.

    • Wayne Davis

      Works for me, just tested it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/david.henshaw.547 David Henshaw

    I am surprised spoony didnt mention how wrong the engangment for snow and serah is since in this game she is only 14 an I don’t like ff 13 but 13-2 was ok

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Serah’s 18 in XIII and 21 in XIII-2.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wojciech-Olczyk/1463241380 Wojciech Olczyk

    In Japan, they call afro “bird nest”… thats why….

  • João Duarte

    Holy crap, after reading these comments…I guess i’m the only one that enjoyed XIII…I feel left out xD

    First things first, I somewhat enjoyed the game. I enjoyed the gameplay, the story is…unorthodox and I usually enjoy that, great graphics but with a dissapointing soundtrack with only a few good tracks. Overall I liked it, but didn’t love it and I don’t think this is the right direction for the series at all. It was a good experience, but not one I particularly want to go through again and compared to the classics it’s very dissapointing…

    I admire you Spoony. Your spot-on, professional and hilarious reviews are inspiring me to make my own webshow. I didn’t agree with you on VIII (but you said you’re sorry xD), I WHOLEHEARTLY agree with you on X (that is, quite possibly, the game I most hate) and so far…i’m not really agreeing with you here BUT the review is very entertaining and hilarious and that’s the point of the videos…but I still feel that you’re previous reviews were much better…

    You bring up good points about the story, but you grab to them and choke them for the entire video. Your other FF reviews were so complete, you had so many different and undeniable arguments, but this one you only have “TECH SHIT THAT MAKES NO SENSE” and “SNOW IS AN IDIOT”…very funny, but not as objective as your previous reviews and that’s one thing I really admired in them…

    Ok the gameplay could turn into a button-masher, but hey THAT’S FINAL FANTASY! JRPG’s usually turn into button-mashers when you’re strong enough to handle everything. When you were too strong for the monsters in the classics, you only pressed the A or X button to select attack. Same with the “Tales of” and “Star Ocean” series. There are those really great games that aren’t like this, but they’re not many and even then as you get better you’re doing the same thing over and over.
    I agree with the crystarium, it’s bullshit just like the sphere grid. But I don’t agree when you say they “overcomplicate” a system that should be automatic…ok first off, they only oversimplify and lack any kind of depth and involvement, and second NO GAME SHOULD BE ANYTHING! It’s an art form, you can do anything with it. That’s like saying Picasso overcomplicated his paintings, when they should be more conventional and understandable. Experimentation and ambition are what drives the growth of the industry, and lead to the really great games. I’m not saying XIII is ambitious or groundbreaking, but Square tried something different for a change and I admire them for it. The series never gets stale, every installment is different from the rest and that’s one thing to admire in the franchise.

    The first part of the review wasn’t really that funny or objective, but i’m glad this second part was hilarious and brought some good points I haven’t even thought of. That’s great, and I can’t wait for the next part. Don’t take this as criticism, and please people don’t bash me on this, i’m just some dude with an opinion and I would like for you to know…and it only shows how I admire and care for The Spoony Experiment =D

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      You’re not alone. I like Final Fantasy XIII too… for the most part but it can’t hold a candle against Spyro 2 and 3.

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      “NO GAME SHOULD BE ANYTHING! It’s an art form, you can do anything with it.”

      Every game should be accessible!
      Every game should be emotionally engaging one way or another!
      Every game should try to appeal to it’s audience!

      It’s not only an art form but a business, and you need to sell your games.

      And even art has it’s rules, If you don’t throw any emotion or thought into your work then its not art.

      Don’t get me wrong I’m willing to call most games art (even the online mode of modern military shooters) and most of FFXIIIs artwork is beautiful but you also need to fit it all together and be able to get your audience to feel how it fits together.(without needing to consult any other medium)

      Video games are a tricky art form because you need to fit many forms (graphics, setting, story and play-style) to gather to make a the whole of the game.

      Well I could make a video game with the story of “The Hunchback of Notre-Dame” with the characters from “Les Misérables” and have every line of dialog a quote from “Ninety-three” And have it a bad platform-er set in post-apocalyptic Russia but i think most people would just think me full of shit and it would probably make Victor Hugo turn in his grave.

      OK I’m willing to admit that I’m a bit bitter on this subject right now, I just finished Dear Ester yesterday.

      oh yeah.

      AND EVERY FUCKING GAME SHOULD BE INTERACTIVE!!!!!!!

      • http://electricsistahood.com KL

        There is a conflict between “Every game should be accessible” and “Every game should appeal to its audience” especially when you’re a large publisher. For indie games, that’s not as difficult of a task, because their audience will be niche. I don’t envy the indies and corporations in trying to balance capturing a decent audience while trying to create a memorable title.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          Appeal to its audience and accessibility do not have to get in etch others way. Just look at Mass Effect 1&2. Mass Effect 1 was kind of a mess though i liked it the most out of the 3 games, Your firearms stats on the at the beginning were terrible, the inventory filled up too quickly and biotic power had way to long of a cool-down at the start of the game.
          Mass Effect 2 fixed these problems thus opening the game to a new audience.(Bringing the game more to the shooter crowd)

          How not to do this is to try to add some form of different game mode like adding a visual novel dating game to my JRPGs(The reason most of my female gamer friends have mostly stopped playing jrpgs). Never add something that might ailianate a big part of your audience.

          • Atmos_Duality

            To be fair, Mass Effect’s (series) combat was always a mindless slog of 3rd person whackamole. ME1’s weapon stats were completely useless in that they never forced the player to change their approach unless their weapons became laughably outmoded.

            (I slogged through half the story missions on the highest difficulty using the starter guns, and only stopped to upgrade twice for end game. Ironically, I spent even MORE time upgrading my gear in ME2 because of that stupid mineral scanning minigame)

            That said ME2 was more appealing; but I don’t think it made the game functionally more accessible to shooter fans, just perceptibly more accessible by making it look less complicated than it actually was.

            Regardless, I agree with your points, but from a slightly different angle.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            I was actually referring to ME 1’s Weapon skills, not the guns themselves, sorry about that.

      • Testsubject909

        Art is business too bud.

        All Art is. Movies are a commercial art. So don’t start saying that Games are a Business and not an Art. Mix the two because they are both and not exclusive to one or the other.

        Games are a Commercial Art. Like movies, music and the likes. While yes there are some artists out there who don’t seek music but to paint their soul’s whisperings or write music that their muses inspire them and whatnot, there is the term starving artist for a reason, they are commercially unsuccessful despite creating art. It could also be highly well received art but if it doesn’t bring them money, it’s Art that just happens to not sell well. We’ve actually had a lot of games like this too, who are well made and flawed but just don’t do well commercially or are just completely unknown because they’re from the indie side.

        And that’s all I have to say. I can understand that you’d be bitter because of Dear Ester. I just wanted to see if I could help you pacify the idea of games being both art and business simultaneously. Like movies, books, music and anything else that is both an art form and entertainment.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          Dude my top quote was from the guy i was responding too.

          And the entire(well most of it) post was targeted at the cardinal rules that follow making a AAA game that is supposed to turn a profit and the problems that large development team go through with trying to fit together so many elements to make a coherent setting.

          I actually agree with you on this subject but i was responding to the idea that you should lower your standards of commercial art to the standards of recreational art.

          • Testsubject909 PKScratch

            Fair enough, my bad then.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gopi.yankov Georgi Dementia Yankov

    Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90’s Otaku Kid made me laugh like hell.I hope we will se him in the future ^^

  • capthavic

    Wow i just noticed that Spoony’s Serah count is off, he counted 3 twice ^^

  • http://twitter.com/TheLogicError Rebecca Washburn

    I’d say that there IS a game that’s written just as bad as far as shit-happening-with-no-explaination and forcing you to read a bunch of data texts… And then I remembered that The 3rd Birthday was also written by the same hack dumbass who wrote Final Fantasy 13 (not to mention T3B is as much of a complete betrayal of the series that it’s supposed to be a “spinoff” of).
    Seriously, the video game industry in general needs to drop Toriyama like it’s hot, because that man does NOT know what the hell he’s doing. How the hell he managed to get a career in writing stories for games like this is beyond me.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      He’s the worst storywriter surnamed Toriyama since Akira.

  • uchiha-fan-4

    Read a plot summary on Wikipedia, watched about 10 hours of gameplay, and watched this video.

    Still don’t understand what’s going on plot-wise. How come no one who created this game – and its sequels – got fired yet?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Georg-Veramme/719603017 Georg Veramme

    Relax Spoony, Marzgirl talks about FF to, so you are not alone.
    Also Linkara made it Beyond Thunderdome to.

    BOOOOM!

  • Felipe Sarabia

    Really spoony? not even a voiceclip of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park….2 I think it was yelling “SerAH!”?

  • Minjen

    The butplug
    boomerang lowers both attacker and target charisma to 1.

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      Dude that mental image made me want to hit you with the Spiked Dildo of Wisdom +2

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    So THAT’S why Snow didn’t fight when Hope’s home was attacked.

  • Critic From The Future

    I wonder if Spoony is aware yet that final fantasy 13-3 is already in production…looks like he has much more to do before he’s finally rid of the Final Fantasy series…

  • Critic From The Future

    when Final Fantasy 13-3 comes out (yes, they are making that if you haven’t heard) I think Spoony is probably going to have to apologize to a lot more of the games he’s reviewed…

  • Tambaloneus Derpaloneus

    There are so many comments going on about how “it’s ff, it’s supposed to be weird” and “how about Tifa?” that I just had to mention – most of those other weirdo (most, not all) made sense in the game they were in. Tifa, like someone mentioned, had magic gloves in a world set up to establish that these magic crystal things were not only pretty dang powerful but also the monsters were largely created by magic too so it made sense magic weapons could beat them. Since you could plug these bits of magic into whatever you wanted anything at all made sense as a weapon, since it could be made magical simply by throwing a magic rock on it. But in a world devoid of this mechanic, having a sword where everything else is made of metal, flies and has guns makes no sense and punching things with a “techno” coat even less. The magic wasn’t explained at all as far as I could remember except it somehow got stronger when they were cursed or whatever… does that mean the gods control magic? I don’t get it, and the problem isn’t that it’s “supposed to be obtuse” the problem is nothing is explained in game.

    Maybe if they’d had an actual world you could explore, instead of one unending … UNENDING fucking corridor, a world you could go do sidequests and talk to people in, maybe you could wind the convoluted mechanics into it in such a way as it works, why didn’t they do that?! That to me has always been what FF IS! Explore, find, discover, learn – kick the teeth out of significant populations of poor innocent icecream scoop blob monsters. Not corridor… corridor… corridor… gods a room holyshit.. nope.. corridor…corridor…

    • Tambaloneus Derpaloneus

      The quests you do on pulse don’t count, those are just “go kill x of y”. Look at Xenoblade for a game that nails explore and sidequests with a big gold diamond encrusted hammer of teh gods.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

        You wrong about all the quests on Pulse just being “go kill x of y.”

        They’re actually all just “go kill the enemy mob at x”.

    • Sol_Badguy

      Well, with Tifa it wasn’t just magic gloves, she also had training from a wandering martial artist named Zangan, who taught her most of her Limit Breaks (proven when you discover Zangan’s note, which teaches her the last Limit Break) and her fighting style in general. Not only that, but her experience with Avalance also seems to have contributed greatly as well.

      Compare this to Snow, whose only explanation is that he learned how to fight from…*hacking cough* and he has a magic trenchcoat of power, made by SCIENCE!

      Sure, one could argue that Zangan is still a vague and unexplained source for Tifa to learn her fighting prowess from, but it’s still a much more complex explanation none the less. It shows that the guys who made FF7 put the pieces out there for people to put together, rather than just spoon feeding the audience with: “uh…how does he fight? uhm…magic trenchcoat! yeah, that’s it!”

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      Shit, even with Zell, the entire gimmick of the SEED soldiers was that they were infusing themselves with magical Guardian Forces, and bolting magic enhancements directly onto their physical attributes. I can believe a guy can punch out a T-Rex with his bare hands when he’s literally got the King of Dragons flowing through his veins

      Also, in FFVII, there seemed to be some precedent for people using chi powers or “techniques”, what with the Lifestream being this actual, tangible force of magic energy flowing through the planet.

      Hell, even FFXII had Mist as an all-purpose handwave for how people can have magic powers.

  • IHeart28

    Absolutely hilarious second part! Loved the drunken mexican sterotype character! I have to say this out loud, I burst out laughing at the fact that the game’s fact of that stupid pointless afro bird’s identity needing to be a secret or he’d basically destroy the damn Final Fantasy planet. Seriously? That sounds like something from a bad fanfic. Also, does anyone else feel a bit creeped out with Snow and Serah being a engaged couple. Serah looks like she’s 12 years old and is WAY shorter than snow. Hell maybe even VANELLE of all people looks older than her

    • http://www.facebook.com/patrick.coyle.581 Patrick Coyle

      Wait until XIII-2 if you want bad fanfic. That’s when we find out that the chocobo chick was blessed by the gods to grow up into a naked bird woman who transcends time and space.

      Yes, seriously.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

        Also known as a youkai. An animal spirit in human form. It’s practically a cliche in Japanese culture.

        • doresh

          Youkai is a VERY broad term. It basically encompasses ALL supernatural beings from Japan that aren’t gods. What’s the exact classification for “interdimensional bird women”?

          • theshamster

            A….’furry’?

          • doresh

            It’s not furry if she look slike a half-naked dancer from Rio XD

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

            …Youkai-onna?

          • doresh

            More like Tori Onna XD

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

            I was making a pun on “yuki-onna”. What would yours be a pun of?

          • doresh

            The same kind of pun, just with “bird” (tori) instead of “snow” (yuki) XD

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

            …eh.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      It’s a little sad that I didn’t even notice that age appearance gap, because its a common anime visual that if you have a young couple in anime, the boyfriend will look like he’s thirty, while the girlfriend will look like she’s thirteen, even if they are are both in their early twenties. Probably because its not quite as blatant here, thanks to a more photo realistic style.

  • Dan Schuett

    I think I’ve figured out the whole, people falling from ridiculous heights and surviving thing. The main characters are all actually from Spira and they’re unsent dead people. People from Cocoon die like normal people, people from Spira don’t. Please for the love of all that’s good somebody tell me they come up with a better explaination than that. Wait a minute if they regularly demonstrate that falling from considerable heights is, at most, a minor inconvenience why do they need the gravity things when they jump?

    And completely unrelated but now that I think about it, why did Afro dude say to the kid at the beginning in Part 1 that he wasn’t a l’cie as if that simple fact should be comforting? Are we given any indication that becoming a l’cie greatly alters behaviour because Serah seemed to be fairly normal up until the whole crystal thing. In fact if becoming a l’cie gives you more powers wouldn’t it be more comforting to know that one was looking out for you. And why did the kid smile when he saw the Chocobo? I mean I know kids like animals but the way he is before Afro dude talks to him seems to indicate he’s fully aware of the situation he’s in (he’s on a train, under attack, and probably gonna die), and you’d think it’d take more than “Hey look at the birdie” to snap him out of that.

    If the Pulse are understood to be evil, and you know being made into a l’cie means doing their bidding or techno zombiedom why wouldn’t you just off yourself. I mean given your options wouldn’t most of us just say screw the fal’cie and punch our ticket. Wouldn’t even be hard just announce what you are in public and wait for the guys with guns to show up.

  • Geodude07

    I love final fantasy, or rather I used to. It died for me after I played seven and tactics for the first time though, even though I lied to myself about it. Seven was cool, but it was the beginning of the end. You see I liked the older more medieval fantasy style of the games, like FFT, FF5 and especially the world of FF6.

    Seven began a trend of anime overpowered characters, techno-magic stuff and changed the tone of the series. That trend has lead us….to this. Where little girls can use a staff with whips attached to kill elite robot monsters. Why? Because it’s just like an anime where the main characters have an unbelievable amount of plot armor, can take on anything and are just so awesome, even if they are untrained 12 year olds with boomerangs fighting things that would kill 10 marines without much issue.

    Just makes me sick. It’s not my cup of tea anymore. Trouble is that I don’t know who they are even appealing to anymore. I guess somewhere out there someone loves this stuff, but I just can’t even stand the idea of Final Fantasy anymore. One of my favorite series is just a joke now.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Go fuck yourself, hipster. Unlike most JRPGs, Final Fantasy broke the mold with VII, even VI is essentially science fiction since steampunk is a sub-genre within the sci-fi genre.

      • doresh

        You do realize that Sci-Fi JRPGs have existed since at least 1987 (the release year of Phantasy Star)?

        There were also plenty of Anime-inspired JRPGs already on the SNES. Chrono Trigger, anyone?

        Heck, if you combine the two, you’ll get Super Robot Wars: A Tactical-RPG franchise about massive crossovers between different mecha animes that started in 1991.

        • golden izanagi

          there are jrpg’s that exist in a real world setting such as the parasite eve games with the first one being set in new york and the 2nd being mostly taking place in the mojave desert in nevada, and as for earthbound why the hell isnt that on the wii market place or in the eshop considering whats been said about it developers would try and get people interested again by putting what ive heard to be great games to be downloaded by anyone that’s interested.

          • doresh

            Parasite Eve is set in the real world because it’s basically an RPG-ified Survival Horror game. Also Earthbound – no wait, Mother 1 – came first.

            I’ve heard it didn’t get on the eshop because quite a few songs might copy a little too much from real-world songs.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Then why are old school fans so riled up about Final Fantasy VII having sci-fi elements when other JRPGs have done the exact same thing before?

          • doresh

            Because said old school fans never played any of the games I mentioned Oo ?

          • Atmos_Duality

            As an “old school fan” who likes both, the only sci-fi elements I didn’t like in FF7 were those that were “retroactively anachronistic”.
            That is, all the major anachronisms between the original FF7 and its “Compilation” exploitation games (Dirge of Cerberus, Advent Children, Crisis Core).

            Apart from that, I honestly have nothing against technology and magic mixing it up in a fantasy world. Or even concepts of the sort.
            Star Wars did exactly that, and it’s fairly obvious how much Star Wars inspired the FF series with its “Science Fantasy”.

            Though I do prefer if they at least try to explain it.
            Like how everyone in FF10 could breathe underwater.
            I’m guessing there was some piece of tech that enabled them to do so, but the game NEVER shows it. It calls into question all manner of things.

            (If the people of Spira can breathe underwater, why don’t some of them LIVE underwater? It seems like a reasonable idea given how Sin keeps targeting their surface villages.)

      • Testsubject909

        Where are your roots? What games did you start with? How many JRPGs have you played?

        Let’s see… right off the top of my head I have to ask. Ever played Lufia? Grandia? Wild Arms? Breath of Fire? Earthbound? Secret of Mana? Secret of Evermore? Super Mario RPG? Dragon Quest? Shadow Heart? SaGa Frontier? Persona? Phantasy Star? Any Tales games? Valkyrie Profile? Legend of Dragoon? Parasite Eve? Vagrant Story? Chrono Trigger?

        These are just a few right off the top of my head you know….

        Wild Arms is unique in itself as it has a wild west feel to it mixed with fantasy.

        Breath of Fire was classic though took a spin on the typical fantastical story, rather then slay the dragon you were the dragon.

        Earthbound, there’s a 20 minute long review of it that’s entirely spoiler free and is more of a historical documentary of the game and it’s beloved by many, for a reason, it’s one of the more unique JRPGs out there.

        Super Mario RPG is the JRPG for dummies, not in the bad way, it’s the most approachable, streamlined and enjoyable JRPG for newcomers and veterans alike. Unique in itself.

        Parasite Eve combined elements of survival horror with JRPG and real time elements as well as elements of strategy and the like, truly a mold breaking JRPG that took into itself various other element many would not imagine at the time.

        SaGa Frontier enables you to choose from a large cast of characters, each with their own stories and all cohabiting within the same vast large world, their stories intertwining at times, at others never touching, and some playing in entirely different ways simply because of the alterations to the functionality of their skill system or, in the case of the robot character, the importance of equipment that altered his entire body. With on top of that a secret main character that could be obtained only if you were to lose with one specific main character as the story would hop from your chosen protagonist to another well established character within his own storyline.

        I’m sorry…

        Final Fantasy 7 broke no mold. It broke… Zero mold…

        Also. Hipster? Why are you using the word Hipster as if to accuse a person of ignorance? Now I’m not fond of Hipsters myself, sometimes they get a bit annoying and all that jazz but really it’s the people who use that word, the word gay and the word emo without any thought as to the context or meaning behind those words or the reason for their existence that bothers me a bit… Mainly because they tend to shove those words around in an attempt to try and belittle those they disagree with before then attempting to make themselves sound intelligent without actually providing anything of substance.

        … If you care to give me a rebuttal, that’d be wonderful.

        I’m quite curious to know just how Final Fantasy 7 broke the mold.

        A semi sci fi and fantastical setting has already been experimented upon by a variety of games prior to it. Large dramatic stories have been done as well. Rivalries have been touched on too. Experimenting with the skill system has been done as well. The story in general isn’t all that different, you can actually spot a lot of similarities with it’s predecessor, Final Fantasy 6, as both contain a high technologically evolved “Empire” or in the case of FF7, commercial empire, that is faced with a resistance group in which our protagonist, unique and powerful in it’s own due to the infusion of a magical element, in FF6’s case it would be Esper blood whereas in FF7’s case it would be Mako, as that person participated in the burning of a city and many innocents, Terra’s case she was brainwashed while in Cloud’s case he was unable to do anything and came back with a case of mixed identity. In both games a great supporting character who held the admiration of the main character you begin with also dies a noble death and leave behind their sword, for Terra it’s General Leo and for Cloud it’s Zack. And both games…

        Oh, sorry. I was supposed to wait until you’d tell me in just what way Final Fantasy 7 broke the mold… What it DID do is break the ice. Final Fantasy 7 Broke The Ice. It was the introduction to JRPGs for a lot of people. That’s where it’s importance lies… Do NOT confuse yourself here bud…

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Why not just Final Fantasy have it’s sci-fi elements every now and then? Final Fantasy VII is not overrated.

      • Testsubject909

        By the way. TL;DR since I understand I might write too much for people to bother reading:

        Final Fantasy 7 Broke the Ice. It didn’t break the mold.

        Don’t confuse yourself and don’t act so high and mighty if you can’t back it up. If you want to back it up though, go ahead. I’m curious to know in what way exactly Final Fantasy 7 supposedly broke the mold.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      Let’s be reasonable now. Final Fantasy has always been a ridiculous, melodramatic anime fantasy series, with plot armor and everything. One thing I still hate to this day about FFIV is how virtually all the characters (except, predictably, the old man) just magically survive catastrophic injuries to have a big Power of Friendship moment in the last battle. (Mind you, that’s like my only complaint of that game, but still.)

      I think, however, that VII is where the feel and thematic focus of the series “officially” shifted gears, focusing more often on techno-fantasy and with a greater emphasis on characters being more “emo” than before, but FFVI had a lot of these elements as well. In fact, VI really feels like the transition point from the old “four crystals and light warriors” medieval fantasy to the “magitek rebel heroes” techno-fantasy. VI even had brooder “emo” characters galore, yet managed to balance that with fun character moments. In VI’s case, though, I think they really nailed the balance between dark and fun, sci-fi and fantasy, dramatic and funny perfectly. But then with VII, the balance got tilted and stayed tilted with VIII.

      IX and X tried to go back to the good balance, but I don’t feel either quite got it right, though IX did better at it than X in the character department.

      • Geodude07

        I would say the tone and style of the series was not quite “anime” before hand though. The art style was certainly not that of typical animes, and while some of the overblown reactions of sprite characters were anime-ish, this was also done to simply bring life to sprite characters.

        True true though, characters did survive insane things and did have quite a bit of power. However I think it was flaunted much less. I also feel like more characters were capable of death, like in FFII and FFV. Certainly older games did have their moments, but I feel like a lot of the more modern releases have sort of forced the idea that characters were badass upon us instead of letting them grow and giving them good reasons to be “badass”. I mean compare Snow and Sabin, Sabin trained for quite some time with some master martial arts guy to become powerful. You hear about him before you meet him, he comes in and saves you from a tough boss and you can continue to develop his side plot. Snow just drops in near the start, no real background to who he is or why he is so powerful. He certainly doesn’t look the part either.

        FF6 did have a bit of the shift as well, but there was no cost to the development of the characters and they were all reasonably strong considering their backgrounds. There were numerous “emo” characters like Cyan and Shadow but you could find out why, especially with Cyan, and often the characters were balanced so that humor and real development could be explored with each one. No one was just sad all the time for the sake of it. They could pick up and perk up when necessary and only acted sad when something explicitly made them think of past events.

        IX was good, I shouldn’t be so broad but then I end up writing paragraphs and paragraphs so excuse me for that.

        I think my biggest problem is just how implausible some situations seem, I just can’t accept things like kids killing elite monsters with boomerangs without groaning. A bit silly when I can accept Sabin suplexing a phantom train but that does feel different for multiple reasons. At the risk of writing a novel, I think I might leave that out.

        All I can say is that I do understand what you are saying. Perhaps nostalgia makes the older games still feel and seem better even when I revisit them, but they are still among my favorites. I try and try to get into the new stuff but come out disappointed…

        • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

          I agree with your points.

          I think, too, it may just be it’s easier to accept things like kids beating up dragons when you’re looking at more abstract style art (16-Bit, limited animations and obviously uneven scale of characters) wherein your mind can fill in the details of exactly how the battle goes, vs. photo realistic art, where it’s a lot more blatantly off-kilter looking seeing a 14 year old run up to and try to beat on a two-story techno-dragon with a boomerang in a more “real scale” perspective. So I think that may also be part of the difference between VI and XIII.

          If I may ramble, there’s also the whole “job class” theme for the characters, too. Usually the kids in previous games have been specifically magic focused with special techniques (Palom and Polum, Eiko) so that story-wise, they’re really supposed to be long range artillery. Even if you do use them as melee fighters, story-wise, they are established magic users. You don’t get that In FFXIII, though, at least I’m pretty sure you don’t. Everyone just sort of becomes a magic knight once the “job” system opens up; Hope’s your mage, but at no point is he established thematically or acknowledged in-story as being a proficient magic user. He always whips out the boomerang when a fight starts.

          I suppose, if nothing else, at least Hope and Vanille have the good sense to use ranged weaponry. It doesn’t look like it would do much, but its a little bit easier to accept than watching Hope run up and kick the shins of a giant robot and somehow that works. :P

          • Geodude07

            Agreed, a big part of it is art style and also when you can sort of accept certain things for gameplay sake, whereas others stand out more. The degree of realism makes me expect a bit more realism.

            Yeah the job class thing is one that I miss a ton too, really made each character truly feel different. Though a few more recent titles did get that sort of right. I can’t complain too much about that yet haha

            I would actually like it so much more if the characters were a bit more established in that sense. Like Hope being built up as a mage or an explanation as to why this boomerang is good since it is an odd weapon.

            In some cases I feel like a degree of simplicity functions a bit better in these games. Long winded conversations and needless terms bog down what could be good games I think. I can’t tell though because I honestly don’t have 15 hours to get “to the good part” as some tell me. I don’t mind lots of talking and development as long as it all goes somewhere but in 13 I felt I was going nowhere fast, and I just lost interest after about 8 hours. Which I thought was fair to give it.

      • doresh

        “Always been”? FF I through III are more D&D-ish than Anime-ish, and FF II kills off so many of your party members that at least one port could build an entire Post-Game dungeon around this “new” party.

        • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

          True, FF1 was pretty much an old-school DnD campaign, and FF2 was the most outright depressing game in the series (not even including the gameplay, LOL).

          Still I’d say the animeish elements kicked in even in FF2 (super effeminate bad guy, evil dark knight big brother) it just wasn’t nearly as overt as later games.

        • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

          Not gunna lie, Soul of Rebirth was pretty goddamned awesome.

  • http://sekiwat.deviantart.com/ sekiwat

    Wow gosh, that tile card artist is horrible. They tend to be bad, but this guy is especially crap. Also, why the hell is Bill Clinton and Tommy Wiseau there?

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      I think that’s supposed to be Chris Hanson, the Catch a Predator guy, about to bust Zsaz for getting cozy with a minor. The floating head with the Wallace and Gromit mouth is Spoony. Why he’s a floating head with a Wallace and Gromit mouth, I don’t know.

  • http://www.facebook.com/darthmam Miguel Aurelio Méndez Morales

    Man, this is beyond being bad. This is a punishment! Thankfully one guy could troll the entire FF fan-base(or what’s left of it) by spoiling everything from the game, when he was supposed to make an “honest” review of the game for Meristation(the IGN for hispanophones, hence the Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90’s Otaku Kid) and ended saying that the game was bad(nah, really?) and if you weren’t pleased you can kiss his arse, and then he post a picture of his naked arse.

    Naturally he got fired from the site, threaten to death, even today, and marked as one of the most disgusting trolls and traitor to the saga. And he couldn’t be more happy! He gave the biggest “”

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Don’t worry, I’m pissed off with Spoony’s review on XIII because I like the game but I can’t look up anything Final Fantasy-related without seeing a nasty comment about XIII and that’s what upsets me.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alexander-Hutcheson/100001172877407 Alexander Hutcheson

        Because people are allowed to have opinions dude. Get over it. I also think 13 sucks

    • lastsigma

      He really needs to write a script. Seems like this is all improv, really shitty improv.

  • David_Dennings

    I can sum up the ultimate problems with Final Fantasy XIII here. I imagine people can build on this but these are my personal groundworks for my hatred of the game.

    – The inability to emotionally connect with a world you are never allowed to explore because you are locked into the Tube and will never get out.
    – The mind-numbing slog of placeholder battles within the Tube that pad the time between cutscenes.
    – The villain does not show his face until 19 hours in(!!). This is not to say that a plot necessarily needs a main villain, but it also means that a fantasy role-playing game has no credible threat or conflict until 19 hours into its 40 hour+ playtime.
    – The only “characters” to speak of are said villain and the main party (a pitiful total of 7) because no one else gets enough screen time to make a palpable impact upon proceedings (see: Cid Raines). Bartholomew, Dajh, Serah, those fucking NORA idiots – these are not characters. They are cardboard and, in the case of Dajh and Serah, plot devices.
    – The repetitious and redundant dialogue vomited out every 20 minutes that is characters reiterating what the audience has known (but not really) for hours.
    – The ennui-inducing, crippling, histrionic melodrama of the characters’ screaming inner turmoil that we are not allowed to infer because we are told – loudly – about it ALL THE TIME.
    – Its unswerving adherence to every single JRPG trope imaginable.
    – The squandered potential.

    More importantly, if there are Final Fantasy fans around who haven’t read this yet, please do. http://socksmakepeoplesexy.net/index.php?a=patff

  • http://www.facebook.com/NuraMike Justin Thompson

    I would say that Snow should have used tattoos as opposed to patches as his strength, but that’s already been done most notably, in my opinion, by Shanoa in Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia and let’s face it, Shanoa did it far sexier than snow could ever hope to.

  • jcdent

    Now this I liked, way funnier than the first part, especially the Spoony-as-Snow part.
    Oh, and characters falling with no damage ticks me off too, ESPECIALLY in games like SpecOps: The Line, that aim to be about realism and shit (n stuff).

    About the required reading: I wonder how does it feel to play dragon age without reading any of the encyclopedia entries. I mean, I read all of them, but, then again, I’m drawn to reading useless trivia like a moth to a flame.

    • Dan Schuett

      I got through the games fine without reading them. I wasn’t overly confused at any point and if ever there was something I didn’t get right away I was given the option to ask. the Dragon Age games have the benefit of the protagonist generally being as clueless as the player, and the books are really just to flesh out what’s in the game (I read them on later playthroughs).

  • http://www.facebook.com/charles.oberonn Charles Oberonn

    Your Serah! count is off by one (you did 3 twice)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ian-Haas/100000971156636 Ian Haas
  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Martin-Matthews/787214739 Martin Matthews

    Spoony you have the determination to rip this game a new a-hole, like a dog wants a bone…relentless!! and I have to be honest here and say you have a massive angry mob behind you, myself included!.. I actually went out and bought this game.. 2 hours in “DONE!”.. i don’t like using the term gay but… this game is gay!

  • http://twitter.com/BillHiers Bill Hiers

    The super-powered trenchcoat makes me think of Hard Drive’s “surge coat” from SWAT Kats… it was a trenchcoat with doohickies on it that gave him electrical powers, including the ability to actually turn into an electrical current. And that’s less silly than Snow’s trenchcoat of power.

  • http://www.facebook.com/TopherBlair Topher Glenn

    The series lost it’s artist. Final Fantasy without Sakaguchi is like The Beatles without John and Paul…and George…that’s what happened to FF plain and simple. The talent left.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I can only assume Nomura will try and recapture the magic with Versus XIII. It WILL be released. Am I the only one who still has faith in Square-Enix (minus Toriyama, of course) to turn themselves around?

      • doresh

        I’ll believe it when I see it. As of now, they’re too far down the wrong path, possibly without even realizing it.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Developers said the story was complete before actual development for Versus XIII. I imagine they would have to do some rewritten to make it write. Toriyama, on the other hand, must wrote the story as he went along.

          Write a story first, read through it and rewrite mistakes and plotholes, then give it to someone else to see if it’s right, if not, rewrite it again until it’s actually good, THEN try and make a game out of it.

          • doresh

            Considering how long Versus is in development hell, they better already have the story finished XD

      • Testsubject909

        I’m still amused that someone argued with me and behaved as if FFVersus XIII was doing extremely well when I was telling them that Nomura, lead designer of Versus XIII, was temporarily pulled from working on the game to work on the design of two characters in Final Fantasy XIII-3, thus that it was showing the low priority of FF Versus XIII, impeding in it’s development however minimal he or she might believe it to be and that with the many years of development and how little news we’ve had, that the suggested “Bug testing” and other such things that he or she spouted at me would be something more along the lines of a late beta, ironing out kinks where they would be actively working on advertising as they’d be closer to an actual release window.

        It’s a damn freaking shame when people blindly believe that FFXIII-3 is in absolutely no way causing trouble to FFVersus XIII when everything points otherwise…

        I really hope Nomura does something with Versus XIII, the Final Fantasy that I’ve seen a lot of fan latch unto with hope. But at this rate and with such little news, much like The Last Guardian, I fear it will eventually vanish from everyone’s minds and risk trickling down into vaporware or constant reform as new technology and engines force the team to readjust to a new engine… Note, I’m not saying The Last Guardian is vaporware. I’m just saying. No news and extremely long development time? Never good news…

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          I imagine Final Fantasy Versus XIII will be released before The Last Guardian.

          I hope Versus XIII will be renamed as well like Agito XIII since the number “XIII” would be too embarrassing to associate semi-related games as part of the same universe as Lightning and co. Maybe just “Final Fantasy Versus” will be enough but I’m imagine there will be a better title just as long as it’s easy to read unlike Dissidia Duodecim or Theatrythym.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

    I can totally buy the super techno-magic trench coat. But here’s the reason I think finding out about it is so jarring: it’s not set up in the game itself. See, with Lightning’s GravCom whatever, you get the visual/audio cue of her snapping her fingers and activating the device, which causes the device to flare up this energy field/aura around her body. Ergo, when she’s starts doing gravity-defying martial arts and standing on the ceiling and shit, you have that visual forewarning to let you know that something wacky is about to happen. You don’t have to have it necessarily explained to you right then, through actual cinematic artistry, the video sets you up to expect something belief-breaking is about to happen, and you can accept her doing all that weird shit. Now, imagine if they didn’t show you that. Imagine if she just started flying through the air, no finger snap, no energy aura, nothing. Then you’d be like, “uh… how the fuck is she doing that, and why doesn’t she do it all the time if she can just somehow fly?”

    That is the problem with Snow’s trench coat. I never once realized the trench coat was actually the source of his super strength. Because, while you can alter the patches, at no point in the game is there a blatant set-up clue that the coat is doing the work. If, for example, they made a point to show Snow slapping that gizmo strapped to his upper arm, which would then surround him in an energy aura like Lightning’s device, or if, perhaps, it showed circuitry lighting up on his coat and funneling into his gloves, you’d then be like, “Oh, okay, so he’s got some techno gadget that gives him super strength.” Even better if, instead of actual super strength, it acted more like a kinetic energy shield, and when he punched something, it unleashed an energy burst on contact, giving you the visual hint that with the force field, he can actually hit as hard, if not harder than a bullet. But we don’t get that. Instead, we just see him run up and start punching giant robots while everyone around him is packing machine guns and rocket launchers, and it causes a disconnect because of a lack of communication.

    TL;DR: It’s all about the cinematics. Visual cues can go a long way to setting up audience expectations even without needing to spell out an exact explanation.

  • Shad Croly

    While I still consider myself a fan of the Final Fantasy series and a lot of the questions you ask in the video I can actually answer, I think the best thing Square Enix can possibly do for the narrative in their games is to stop making games that quite literally require an entire encyclopedia to explain what’s going on. To make matters worse, the Ultimania guides are NEVER released outside of Japan, requiring anyone wanting to know just WTF is going on to rely on the benevolence of those who can not only actually get their hands on the book, but can also translate it. I suppose it’s a step in the right direction for Square Enix to want to include at least a fraction of this information in the game itself via the Data Log, but if you’re going to be ripping off the Codex from the Mass Effect series, you should also rip off how useful it is as well. The important shit was explained in the dialog and conversations of the game itself in fairly understandable ways and the Codex simply served as a repository for all the information that’s interesting to know but not dire to understanding what’s going on.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tiago-Meirinha/100001264115479 Tiago Meirinha

    It’s all on those Drunk-Mexican-Cyborg-Early-90s-Otaku Kid’s Wing Kong glasses.

  • http://handsomefatman.com/ Carlos Alexandre

    I think Snow’s name should have been Snowjob.

    • theshamster

      or Snowballi (like the rather gross sexual act of putting ice on the testicles just before climax to make ‘snow’)

      • Gborr

        I… can never unlearn this bit of “trivia”, can I…? -.-‘

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          Just watch Caligula and Saló and it won’t bother you any more.

  • http://twitter.com/Nuclear_Incubus ☢Nathen Larsen☢

    That face on the right side of the splash picture reminds me of Wallace and Gromit. “Cheeeeese Gromeeeet!”

  • http://www.awesomesaucegames.me/ Shaolin Dave

    Close your eyes and listen from 19:28 to 19:34

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

      FFXIII A Brief Respite for the whole song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0WN7MOoT18

      To me it sounds like March in C from Unlimited Saga http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxzcUiIMFow&list=PLF8F27146E52A64F4

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

        Really? It sounds like “My Favorite Things” to me.

        [Insert uninspired parody lyrics here]

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          [uninspired parody lyrics inserted]

          “Square Enix announcing and Spoony is raging.
          An exposition and setting are lacking.
          Every character and weapon are lame,
          Sometimes I wonder why I even got this game.”

          OK just fuck this shit, now “My Favorite Things” is stuck in my head.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ares-Lancaster/1290777953 Ares Lancaster

    BTW, that “stick with antlers” thing?

    It’s a fishing rod.

    A fishing rod that she LEFT THERE on the Fal’Cie.

    FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.

    In an effort to duck her Focus, which is now Lightning and Co.’s Focus.

    • doresh

      Lol, and nobody ever found it because…?

      She must also be REALLY lucky that they crash-landed right besides it XD

    • theshamster

      I also found it completely unrealistic at how she showed off in a semi-dance with it, despite almost dying in the crash, not to mention they are being hunted by the enemy, yet she decides to act all dainty and ‘care-free’ and show off with a useless thing that would break after a few hits.

      • http://twitter.com/Barraind Stephen Ryan

        She was a scared out of her mind teenage girl who had been a crystal for a few hundred years after she and her friend tried to destroy the world, to find out that they failed, and had to do it AGAIN. She also indirectly led to Dajh being turned into a L’Cie, ran into Serah about the time SHE was turned into one, and then had to wander around with the former’s Dad and later’s fiancee and sister, on a quest that she knew was to destroy the world again. Also,literally every other human being in the world wants to kill her, and her hometown is a crystalline wreck of nothingness. Her only companions are 3 people who could very well want her dead, a homicidal 12 year old, and Ragnarok incarnate.

        She had good reason to be freaking the fuck out for most of the game, and 0 other coping mechanisms. Her character makes perfect sense, really.

  • doresh

    Maybe it’s because I drank more alcohol in the past two weeks than the entire year, but I think Square should definitely build upon the Trench coat idea XD

    Seriously, I can already imagine such beloved characters like…

    … Rain, a gothic lolita using black fake fingernails coated in deadly nanobots.

    … Storm, a gangster rapper who gets supernatural strength from gold teeth stolen from an ancient god king.

    … Hail, a Yankii with wearing a high-tech cap with which he can headbutt through solid steel.

    … Sunshine, a hyperactive tomboy with shoe laces woven from the hair of the goddess of death.

    The possibilities are endless :D !

    • Gborr

      Is it weird that I find half of these completely plausible as a Square Enix character…?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

        Not in the least.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Gangster rapper? Fuck off!

      • http://electricsistahood.com KL

        So gangsta rapper was the point where you think the idea really went off the rails? Ludicrous ideas, but don’t bring RAP into it!

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          I mean don’t bring zero-dimensional stereotypes you see in Saturday morning cartoons in a Final Fantasy and classify as being instantly better just because they’re from FFXIII. ANYTHING thought up by a commenter is INSTANTLY better than what paid writers put in XIII, no matter HOW lazy it is(!)

          • http://electricsistahood.com KL

            I thought that was dude’s point. He seems like he’s totally kidding.

          • doresh

            Exactly ^_^

          • doresh

            As if Final Fantasy never had zero-dimensional stereotypes XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/andre.almeida.77736 André Almeida

    Wait…has a name that must never be uttered or it will cause the universe to end…I got it! That chocobo is clearly the 12 regeneration of The Doctor gone wrong

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      I guess that would mean that River Song loves tiny cocks.

  • Kostantine

    Dude, just drop ff13. Square doesn’t care, you’re barely able to care about it and everyone else has ceased caring a long time ago

  • kle4

    Well, it’s official; I’ve watched this hilarious video twice, and it has still made me want to play FFXIII, or at least find out more about the story and [some of] the characters. I don’t think that was quite Spoony’s intention somehow.

    • http://handsomefatman.com/ Carlos Alexandre

      It’s had a very different effect on me. FF13 looked like shit to me before… and it still does!

      • kle4

        That’s what’s weird – I agree! I liked (or certainly did at the time anyway) FF8 and FF10, but didn’t play FF13 for more than about an hour before giving up, and I totally believe this video about how atrocious the storytelling appears. And Chocobo in the hair? If there is a line, that has to cross it.

        But having had a bunch of stuff explained to me via a classic Spoony rant, I actually feel like I could perhaps handle another go at the game.

        I’m not going to though, god no – I’m not crazy, merely obviously twisted!

        • Kaio

          I gave up three times… then I turned off my brain and I was able to finish it.

        • http://handsomefatman.com/ Carlos Alexandre

          I can appreciate this!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

    Why does spoony keep so much of a distance between him and his fans? A lot of celebrities do this, whether they’re legit big movie stars or the lowest end, internet celebrities, but spoony seems to do it quite a bit more so than the average internet celebrity. Has anyone else noticed this? And does anyone know why?

    • Merost

      What do you mean exactly? I think there was an incident were if you donated money to him you were allowed to ask him a question via Skype. One fan critizised him, and was immediatly kicked out, despite the fact that he donated like 100 $. That caused a lot of outrage.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Warboss-Aohd/100003803614469 Warboss Aohd

        alot o’ people probably bugged him about it an’ woz tired o’ it.

        still……dat woz a bit harsh.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        Well for one, how pretentious is that that you’d have to donate money to talk to him? Why doesn’t he just act like a regular joe? Cause that’s all he is. I love spoony, but he’s not Mark Wahlburg. I don’t get it. And he never pays attention to comments, or his facebook.

        I just wonder why he acts like he’s above us just because he’s an internet celebrity. Part of the appeal of being an internet celebrity is that they’re not out of reach, they’re average joes, not blockbuster movie stars, and so acting like you’re keanu reeves because you make funny reviews seems a bit pretentious. And it sucks, becasue it makes me like him less. It’s like loving an actor, and then finding out the guys a jerk in real life, and your admiration and respect for em goes down a notch. Yeah, you still watch their movies, but there’s always that reminder in the back of your head that the guy on screen is really just a jerk who probably yells at his interns when his coffee’s a little cold.

        Spoony is one of the few people i’d ever consider donating to not out of charity, but just because I appreciate him and feel a real connection with him. I’m not asking for a cuddle session while he makes jokes and compliments me on my big muscles. Ironic lol… spoonying with spoony. lol no intent to make a reference there.. but it would be nice if he’d act more like Ross at AccursedFarms. He’s the guy who does Freeman’s mind? Dude. That guy went to a water park with his fans and acted just like a regular joe. That would have been AWESOME if I could have gone, but it was on the east coast and i’m stuck in Idaho.

        So yeah.

        • Spectr

          Spoony uses Twitter to talk to his fans. That is he hurls insults at them, and gets angry if they dont agree with him^^

          Sorry, it took me a while to find it out myself but: Spoony is a brilliant reviewer, but probably a major douchebag in real life.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            Agreed.

          • lastsigma

            He’s not that good at reviewing stuff. He doesn’t get the footage himself, doesn’t edit the stuff himself, and the overall structure of his reviews has been dropping a lot to meaningless rants.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        Wow. I watched like 30 seconds of that skype call. What an jerk spoony was. What is the deal with that? That makes me rather irritated.

  • Bill Kuelbs

    A forest… with trees made of glass…
    Is this the planet where the tesseract-aliens from Threshold come from?

  • http://twitter.com/italianreviewer Federico Feroldi

    I feel you are going too hard in the storytelling: I played all along the game and, without reading the logs, I could enjoy the story. The fact is that all the plot is written in a non linear way and if you enjoy not linear storytelling than you will like the game (still the gameplay sucks).

  • http://www.facebook.com/jason.bour.73 Jason Borre

    Sweet Mary Spoony, you had me rolling on the floor within the first 5 seconds.

  • http://www.facebook.com/monsieur.goat Raphael Schotten

    Dune, huh? I thought that thing was pretty straightforward. But people keep telling me that Donnie Darko would start making sense if I’d bother to read up on it on the web. But fuck that piece of shit.

  • Starr

    Spoony should do a series of videos on the Xenosaga games. They make the incomprehensibility of Final Fantasy XIII seem like a straightforward childrens book.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      I’m just glad I never got around to playing the 3rd game.

      …the Virgin Mary as a robot? Seriously??

      • theshamster

        Well, it WOULD explain why she’s a virgin.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Warboss-Aohd/100003803614469 Warboss Aohd

          ya sure her bein’ a robot iz why?

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          Well I would still go up that exhaust pipe.

      • doresh

        Why not? Japan already thinks that Adam was a 150+ foot glowing giant that nearly wiped out humanity, not to mention the also 150+ foot tall Lilith that is nailed to a giant cross and constantly oozing out liquids.

        Oh, and the Shin Megami Tensei series has around 3 robotic angels, so she should feel right at home XD

        But you wanna know what the worst part is? The only Xenosaga game ever released in Europe was Xenosaga 2 – aka the worst one <_<

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          So you’re saying that I’m supposed to be happy that we still have not gotten a NGE JRPG yet?

          • doresh

            AFAIK, the developers of Xenosaga didn’t have to struggle with a tight budget and depression, so they only have themselves to blame for the convulted story.

            And NGE does appear in a few Super Robot Wars games (including crazy stuff like upgraded armor and an amalgam of all mass-produced EVAs). Does that count?

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Only if it includes a teenage boy jerking off to a girl in life support.

          • doresh

            Might’ve happened in an intermission, but they just consist of dialogue and portraits.

          • Atmos_Duality

            From what I recall Xenosaga was originally supposed to be something like 9 games long, but was cut down to 3 on the threat of having their budget slashed entirely.
            Which is why Ep3 has so much stuff crammed into a log book you can access more of as the game goes on…just like FF13.
            They had to tie up all the loose ends and plot threads in text.

          • doresh

            I’m pretty sure it was “only” six titles – but that was already quite a lot for a non-episodic game series that requires external help for newcomers – like the bonus DVD in Xenosaga 2 that edited the cutscenes from Xenosaga 1 into a movie.
            Suffice to say, trying to just play Xenosaga 2 WITHOUT watching this around 2 hour cutscene was not a smart move from my part.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Six sounds more reasonable. I just remember some game series around then was trying to put out something like 7 or 9 games, and the publisher told them “Fuck no!”.

            That was second-hand knowledge anyway, I’ll have to ask my friend because he was far more into that series than me.

  • http://twitter.com/Robocon2 Robocon2

    I would think that Snow’s punching power would come from a power fist type weapon like in the Fallout series.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ares-Lancaster/1290777953 Ares Lancaster

    Also Spoony, as an aside… Those robes? They’re like a “Scarlet Letter”-type thing. They mark everyone who’s supposed to be exiled to Gran Pulse. Would’ve been nice if they EXPLAINED THIS

    • theshamster

      I will never play this game, but I think the robes are supposed to be religious or ‘ritualistic’

    • doresh

      It’s not exactly a “mark” if you can get rid of it in about a second.

  • http://twitter.com/reginambr Regina Ratliff

    Spoony, you’re not the only one man. I own all the Final Fantasy games… and I’ve played through each one since FF10 pissed off the whole time. I even refused to finish FF13 till months later because I was SO pissed off at the game. I have yet to play FF13-2 …. I own it though. Just… too much pain to do it yet. Still getting over the last one.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      Well, XIII-2 basically retcons XIII.

      Any game that erases XIII from canon that is okay in my book.

      • doresh

        Lol, at least Sonic 06 had the mercy to retcon itself without any form of sequel XD

        • http://handsomefatman.com/ Carlos Alexandre

          Sadly, Sonic ’06 still happened, even if it erased its events, as those events had to happen for that end result.

          • doresh

            But then they didn’t happen after all. Paradoxes are awesome!

          • http://handsomefatman.com/ Carlos Alexandre

            GET OUT OF MY HEAD! ;)

          • doresh

            *Travels back in time*

            I was never in your head to begin with… :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carmyn-Davidson/1137271436 Carmyn Davidson

    I remember seeing screen shots of this game. People kept wondering if Serah was like a child prostitute or something. Since Snow is freakishly taller than she is.

  • http://www.facebook.com/balo.timar Baló Timár

    The strength-amplifying trench-coat has to be the most douchiest, most pretentious superweapon in all of fiction.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Deacon-Hagan/100002190854170 Deacon Hagan

      even worse then a blitz ball?

      • http://electricsistahood.com KL

        No. The Blitz ball gets a lot of shit, but I think we all have at least held a ball in our hands. Some of us have even been hit by a ball (waiting for sex pun) or two. Some people have been killed by balls hitting them in reality. So weaponizing a stupid ball is WAY more believable than a trenchcoat giving you the power to kill massive creatures without injury.

        Still, ITS FUCKING FF, so while it is ridiculous, the entire history of FF has you facing odds that should very well kill you, no matter what talents you have.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      It worked for Jackie Chan. His was a tux, but still.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Deacon-Hagan/100002190854170 Deacon Hagan

    The series has been dying a slow death since the The sprits with in bomb and
    Hironobu Sakaguchi leaving.

  • alex251960

    MA-TI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Behellmorph-Beckett/100001737277871 Chris Behellmorph Beckett

    I could not finish this, the boss battles were hell. By that they were so frustratingly long. The mushroom tank in the crystal woods in particular. It is rare to find a game where the bosses are my least fave part of a game. Needless to say that the rest of the game still sucks harder than Michael Bay’s mental capacity for actual character development…okay maybe not but the game is still bad.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    No because my dream was inconsistent and there is NO explanation on what the fuck is going on. So no, my dream wasn’t better. I deserve waffles more than Yahtzee.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Smooker/100001851743299 Ben Smooker

    Hey, Spoony?

    You “Serah!” counted 3 twice. You’re off by one now. I had to say something, my OCD couldn’t stand it.

    As bad as FF10’s story was, it at least understood how to do En Medias Res properly. Tidus was the protagonist, he was meant to be the player’s level of understanding, ie nothing. So you’d reach a part and the characters would talk about some BS and Tidus would say “What’s a paladin?” and the other characters would kindly explain it for him in slow simple terms with lots of pictures…and at the same time, we learned too.

    But yeah, FF13’s problem is that there is no-one in the party who doesn’t know anything. They’re all fully versed in the world and how it works, so why would they explain anything to each other? So we get an encyclopedia’s worth of text dumps to fill in the blanks the dialogue couldn’t be bothered to ellaborate on. There’s something to be said for allowing the player to get as engaged in the story and lore as they want to be (for example Half Life 1, or Skyrim with its books) but it’s another thing when a story based video game with cutscenes *this long* can’t even be bothered to establish its world correctly and just wants to have bright shiney things and glowy lights and fantastical locations to dangle in your face like a set of keys.

  • PRL18

    hey guys do u know spoony’s attitude on wild arms or other RPG’s??

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      There was a Vlog a few years ago, he talked a little bit about the Shin Megami Tensei series, specifically Persona. I forget which, though. I would be interested as well in a Vlog on Wild ARMs. He’s used the music from it before, but not sure if he’s played it.

  • http://handsomefatman.com/ Carlos Alexandre

    It would have been better if Snow was just super strong. Only slightly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/niklas.bjorkeroth Niklas Björkeroth

    Very nice work Spoony. Your delivery and “presence” improve all the time and I thought they were impressive from the start. As so many have commented, just listening/watching your rants is a pure pleasure. I often listen to your counter monkey series when I work.
    From one of your many and devoted fans.

  • http://twitter.com/Quinntensity Robert Quinn

    Your Serah count gets messed up. You do “SERAH!” count 3, twice.

    I really liked this game. Most of your knit picking is more blaming the game for being a video game than real gameplay or story problems. And I actually like how flawed the characters are because of their development later on. I disliked most of them at the beginning and loved them by the end. Except that dike Fang, she sucks donkey dick. I will not deny this game is tragically bad at explaining the key points like fal’cie. This game is a really slow burn so I understand if a bad first impression takes you out of it entirely.

  • André

    Was anyone else besides me waiting for Jeff Goldblum to show up every time a character yelled Serah?

  • http://www.facebook.com/stedman.harold Stedman Harold

    Was there actually any significance to the chocobo’s name or was Spoony just pulling our leg? If he was serious it sounds like it would be pretty amusing.

    • doresh

      Hes there is, and it is just weird.

  • Pearse Hillock

    Oh yea the Sucks Blog has arrived, a bit late but better late than never. Check it out.

    http://spoonyonesucks.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/final-fantasy-xiii-part-2.html

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      I can’t take you remotely seriously with the atrocious spelling and grammar you use on that blog.

      • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

        See what happens when i gave that guy a link to http://www.encyclopediadramatica.se to see how much he would use it. I don’t know where the porno bit got from though.

    • doresh

      Oh that one. Still the worst blog layout I have EVER seen. Who designed this Oo ?

      • golden izanagi

        it seems this one is a bit more insulting then the last one and I love his bit on how that group survived that fall down into the vestige “superhuman powers and strength” yeah here is the thing about that, its not always a guarantee of survival for instance considering his need to compare halo and ff lets do this in halo 3 you first see the chief falling from space burning in the atmosphere now I think I remember him having the benefit from that power armor as well as using a piece of a ship to survive from being burnt to a crisp (don’t entirely remember and could be incorrect on that ship thing), now lets imagine snow trying to survive a fall like that with just his super trench coat and magically enhanced powers, as one would guess he would be burnt instantly.

        • doresh

          That’s just silly. Vanille and Hope had normal clothes and survived a frontal crash just fine. Snow’s super trench coat would totally protect him XD

          • golden izanagi

            lol I keep forgetting this is a series in which people can walk on an extremely cold mountain with barely any clothing with no problems http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Rikku

          • doresh

            No, it’s a series where ALL clothes are so magically/technologically upgraded that they can be used in EVERY climate without problems.

  • Merost

    Oh for fucks sake, Spoony is crying on Twitter again. “WAWAWA so much work, wawawaw so many problems, wawawwawawa”.

    Spoony there are OTHER reviewers out there who put out a new (good!) video every two DAYS. (Totalbiscuit for example). That doesnt mean you should pick up their pace, one video every two weeks is fine. BUT: Dont cry everytime how incredible difficult it is, how under much stress you are, etc. etc. IF you really are under that much pressure, just stop. Go on a holiday for a year, look for a job, get your problems work out. But your Twitter-followers are not your psychiatrists. Thats just embarrassing, every time I want to check for infos on your work on Twitter, Im confronted with 20 “OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS!!!!”-Tweets -_-

    • JackRyan

      Twitter was the worst thing that happened to Spoony. -_-

      Its just so awkward, checking out the Twitter of your INTERNET REVIEWER GUY, and sudennly you know all about his psychological problems, on which medication he is, his suicdal thoughts, about his brother being a cop who had to kill a man… I DONT WANT TO KNOW THAT SHIT…Jeezus man, thats private. Cant you have like two Twitter Accounts, one for “Smalltalk” and one official one for TheSpoonyexperiment Announcments?

      • doresh

        Was Twitter ever responsible for anything good <_< ?

        • JackRyan

          Arab spring maybe?

          But otherwise: Point taken.

          • doresh

            Tell that the Arabic countries now run by fundamentalists. Twitter always finds a way.

        • Atmos_Duality

          You might call all the tweeting a digital…Birdemic.
          *ducks*

      • Atmos_Duality

        “Twitter was the worst thing that happened to Spoony. -_-”
        You know, I think you’re right.
        I’ll have to amend my previous statement of “Sycophant Fans” being the worst.
        It seems to be no end of trouble for the guy.

    • Spectr

      Oh gawd just read his Tweets. “WAHAHAH RANDOM RAMBLING RARARAH – Oh and by the way, Don’t argue with me. I am NOT in the mood.”

      THEN GET OFF FUCKING TWITTER IF YOU DONT WANT TO ARGUE

  • http://scheisseonkelnz.wordpress.com/ Rodrigo Ibarra

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmnAL60mfSg
    I’ll just leave this here. Ps. I’m mexican and I did feel offended by the Stereotypically-Drunl Mexican Cyborg. That bottle seemed like the worst tequila ever!!!

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      So the bad tequila was the main thing that offends you?

      How drunk do you have to get too start drinking that tequila?

  • Tiogshi Laj

    ‘k, folks, I gotta ask; can anyone who’s played the game explain WHY Snow and Serah rode their hoverbike up to the stargate in the fal’Cie’s chest, stop there, throw/drop/fall Serah off into it, and only then think it was a bad idea to do that? Or is this just yet another a case of “the plot is magic; we don’t have to explain ANYTHING.”

  • Niveon

    I think you might be pleasantly surprised if you ever get to Final Fantasy IX, since it was probably the last decent one of the series.

    Unless, the reason you aren’t playing it (aside the explanation you didn’t really like the style) is because perhaps there’s not enough to find? I’m not insinuating here, but it’s just that in the end we all love to watch you shout about how bad it is. If a game can’t do that, then it doesn’t really follow the trend you’ve set.

    I’m sure you could find plenty to yell about though as, inconsistencies are, and always have been, a part of Final Fantasy.

    • theshamster

      Some people just dont like FF9 for some reason. I remember when it came out, there was several hate posts on gamefaqs about Kuja looking ‘girly.’

      I myself actually liked the game, I renamed Zidane as “Slink”, Dagger as her real name “Sara” and Vivi as “Benny” (which actually makes him even more likeable to me)

      • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

        I didn’t care for FFIX at first, either. Although this was probably due to several factors: a) I’d just marathoned FF7 and FF8 back to back and was getting burned out on FFs, b) art style did turn me off a lot, and c) the fucking Strategy Guide was a rip-off.

        Years later, I went back to it and played it all the way through. I did enjoy it, but the cast aside from ZIdane and Vivi really felt lame to me. Which is not to say they were bad, there was just a total lack of “charm” to them, which is a big sort of ” je ne sais quoi” with me when it comes to characters in games. The cast of FFX compelled me. The cast of FFIX largely did not. Still, Zidane and Vivi definitely made up for it, and I thought Kuja made a better Sephiroth than Sephiroth, fruit-tastic as he may have been.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

        Boy, it’s a good thing you didn’t name Zidane “Snow.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      Much as I love FFIX, I can think of a few flaws with the game. They might not be enough to make for an interesting review, but I feel like listing them out anyway.

      – Freya’s a really cool character, but her story arc pretty much gets dropped after the first third of Disc 2.

      – Steiner’s character also had wasted potential. His arc gets dropped at right around the same time, and takes a huge backseat to the rest of the plot from that point on. But I think Amarant’s character and story arc could have been absorbed by Steiner, and it would have worked quite a bit better.

      – I have no problems with the Quina character, but holy shit, that thing is so overpowered it’s not even funny. I think s/he should have been completely optional, instead of becoming a required character just before going to the Outer Continent.

      – The Chocobo Treasure Hunt sidequest allows you to completely break the game. The treasure you can get is obscenely overpowered, and it’s also possible to use it to access the Forgotten Continent before you go to Kuja’s Desert Palace.

      – I don’t know why, but the Friendly Monster encounters really creep me the fuck out. It’s probably the music, combined with the fact that they show up when I least expect it.

      -Tetra Master is a complete waste of time. Not only is it ridiculously luck-based, on the level of “Spearman Beats Tank”, but at least Triple Triad and Blitzball rewarded you for playing.

      – The AP system is alright, but I liked it better when it was copied by the MARDEK Flash RPG series; Pseudolonewolf had the right idea, making it so that you could only gain AP for skills by actually using those skills. But in FFIX, you only need to have the right stuff equipped on you for a certain number of battles.

      – The “Red light, green light” game in the Desert Palace. Good. Fucking. GOD.

      Still, all of those are nitpicks. Beyond these issues, I enjoy the hell out of FFIX.

      • doresh

        Then again, which game is truly perfect? Even the 5 best games I’ve ever played have things I find annoying.

        • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

          PONG has no unneeded content.

          Truly the definition of the perfect game, just you,your friend and a ball.

          • doresh

            But the single-player aspect is a bit lacking XD

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Dude get the version of the game that matches your CPU speed.
            Single player is awesome, The hardest game ever.

          • doresh

            I prefer the turn-based version XD

      • theshamster

        Actually, you have to reach that area at the final dungeon in 12 hours, and because there is no Newgame+, it is a complete waste of time.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

          Ah, my mistake.

      • Atmos_Duality

        Actually, there’s a lot of tricks in FF9 that let you EASILY speedrun it.Boss and enemy vulnerabilities especially. (it’s also why ATE is optional!)

        You just have to experiment a little, and I find that to be more interesting and entertaining than just grinding for levels to brute-force my way through encounters.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Gives me more reason to like IX BECAUSE it’s flawed. Every game needs a flaw. The way people go on about Valve turns me off from ever buying a Valve game.

  • http://www.facebook.com/thetechno.wolf TheTechno Wolf

    666 comments ?!!!

    This game really IS the devil’s work

    Oh, I made it 667, now…. Oh… oh……

  • http://www.facebook.com/NieroShai Erich Williams

    Obligatory comment # 667. Don’t want anyone being superstitious.

    It’s funny how no matter how bad these games are, I somehow still like them. I can’t even name what it is.

  • http://www.facebook.com/marco.bermudez.509 Marco Bermudez

    Serah, yes Jeff Golblam from Jurrastic Park 2?

  • Spikerosered

    I’m playing Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance right now and I’m starting to realize that the bad, unrealistic writing trope of JRPGs is still alive and well.

    As I’ve gotten older I’m starting to see that characters either act two ways, they act like people or they act like video game characters. In JRPGs I’m still seeing more and more characters react like video game characters. They don’t question their environment or the things happening to them nor they do they interact with one another in any way but BIG DRAMATIC PROSE.

    In KH Riku is incapable of talking about Sora without engaging in some creepy friendship speech. Here Snow can’t utter a single word without it devolving into his “the heroes always win” personality.

    There’s just this big detachment from reality that just disconnects the characters from reality. They lack grit, it’s too stylized. That works in ridiculous settings like Devil May Cry, but in a story we’re supposed to take seriously the characters can’t be perfect all the time.

    • doresh

      I don’t even see that kind of video game character in manga (the good ones at least). Even in slightly batshit-crazy settings like in One Piece do the protagonists find time for normal chats and questions like “What is going on here?!”.

      Those stereotypical JRPG characters are just another reason why I like the Persona series so much. They just use a modern day setting with ordinary highschool students that act and talk in a believable manner. Strange how difficult this seems to be Oo

  • http://twitter.com/MelissiaKuromoi Melissia

    I like lightning. At least she punched Snow in the face.

    If only she would punch Hope in the face, too. That worthless little whiny, shiteating twatbox deserves it just as much, if not more.

  • theshamster

    Why do the characters have such stupid names? What kind of parent decides “I know! Let’s call our son Snow! Yeah, that’s a fantastic name” Why can’t they have realistic names, even if they do sound alien? (since that IS supposed to be another world).

    As for “Hope”, that sounds more like a girls name, but the boy looks girlish to me (in fact he looks like a child version of Tidus.)

    Here, This will cheer everyone up; I found this youtube video of Squall killing Tidus.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIsJa9zVLAo

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ville-Gunnarsson/100000930270763 Ville Gunnarsson

      It probably has to do with Far Eastern names often having a meaning like ‘sky’ or ‘ocean’, which is due to the typography where most written symbols have specific, concrete meaning, instead of being representations of phonemes. I know two chinese guys whose first names literally mean ‘sky’.

      • theshamster

        Well, why can’t they just call them by the chinese/japanese names that translate to Hope, Snow or Fang? It would sound better too.

        • doresh

          Because the Japanese love foreign terms and names, especially English and German (thoug the latter one seems strangely absent from Final Fantasy)?

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Well I found it funny when i first saw the Manasvin Warmech.
            Seeing that “að mana svín” means “to dare a pig” in Icelandic.

            “What’s a Manasvin?”

            Some times its good to find out what things mean in foreign terms before you use them.

            And “Blitz” somehow sounds better as a name than “Lightning”

          • doresh

            But then Lightning would’ve been forced to use a ball as a weapon in order to preserve FF continuity nods.

            And I’m sure you can dare pigs pretty well in that warmech XD

      • doresh

        And the Japanese have lots of fruit names: cherry blossom, strawberry, peach…

        Mongols are also rather interesting. My brother has a fellow student who was named “queen of the night”.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ville-Gunnarsson/100000930270763 Ville Gunnarsson

          That’s pretty interesting indeed. :) Actually this question about names got me watching “Chinese for Beginners” videos on youtube. :)

        • Rakkrakk

          The ancient Germanic peoples probably have the most boring names. “Franks” and “Saxons” just mean “Spears” and “Knives”. xD

    • doresh

      Names like Snow and Hope are sorta alright. It’s when Square starts using more exotic (and pretentious) names that things start go get weird. Who would forget Dirge of Cerberus that gave us gems like:

      – Rosso the Crimson (“Red the Red”)
      – Nero the Sable (“Black the Black”)
      – Azul the Cerulean (“Blue the Blue”)
      – Shelke the Transparent (“Orange the… Transparent?”)

      Or how about Versus’ Latin names that sound less like actual names and more like scientific terms:

      – Noctis Lucius Caelum
      – Stella Nox Fleuret

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Better than bland names like Alex Mason.

        • doresh

          But I’m sure we can all meet somewhere in the middle XD

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Alex Lucius Crimson?

          • doresh

            Lucius Crimson sounds good enough.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Yeah the problem with Squares names are they always try to have the names mean something and they just go for the straight English translation.
            Whats the matter with subtlety? Hell when i mention this I remember Skyrim that had a town that had the translated name of the anti-Christ and i have still have not heard anyone call it out for it.
            And maybe its because Bethesda did not realize it and most likely because no one cares.

          • theshamster

            What’s the town’s name?

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Dude your over thinking this.

            And going from a christian dominant culture/race to christian dominant culture/race normally does not have that much of an effect.

            But the whole point i was going for is subtlety. Because the only once that would get that would be a gamer/astrologist that has read the Bible or a fanatic christian gamer.

            So what is Lucifer’s name in English?

          • theshamster

            Well, I call him “Benny”, although ‘Lucifer’ means “Light Bringer” or “Bringer of Light”

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Lucifer is Latin for Dawnstar, subtle enough?

            Nice edit though

            And you need to know a bit of astrology to get that one

          • theshamster

            Ahhh, Dawnstar, now I get it.
            Wait! Isn’t the relocated Dark Brotherhood hideout around there?
            Oh dear.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            See how subtlety and a bit of research can spice up the game a bit.

            That’s what i find Square Enix is lacking. Every thing is ether blatant such as “Lightning” or “Snow” the other part is “let’s make it up” like “Manasvin”.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Or their continued fixation with Norse-German names because “They sound cool”.
            I’m thinking of three Squeenix-published games that featured a major character by the name of “Weiss”.

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            That does not bother me as much as Bethesdas obsession with old Norse. Just fuck! Just because you can get it down on paper that Heimskr means idiot that does not mean you can pronounce that word and i get insulted every time i hear some one call out most nord names.

            There are 5000 voice actors out there that can speak that language get one of them.

            Just Fuck!

            Sorry yeah Square Enix and the friends of European colors.

            I hear often that some people just don’t get japan but the real problem is that japan just does not get western culture. Here in the west yes names mean something but it is not obvious like there and many here people do not know what there own name means.

            Plus (OK just don’t stone me now) does not having a white character named white on German just sound racist?

          • Atmos_Duality

            I’m just an American mutt of Norse-German descendents so it’s not my place to rage about misusing anyone’s language. However, I found a Norse-English dictionary with phonetic steps and pronunciations that covers a great number of words one would use in a video game (names and phrases).

            It took me all of 5 minutes to locate and download.
            Lazy lazy developers..

          • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

            Well it’s not that easy, Old Norse is actually not the same language as
            Norwegian, the transformation of the language through the ages is unbelievable.

            For me as an Icelander it just throws me out of the game, because Icelandic has been so isolated for such a long time, that I understand Old Norse.

            Even the use of medieval English does the same, because in middle English period a letter was removed from the English alphabet a letter called “thorn” and it looks like this “Þ” and sounds like “th”.

            So because of the removal of the letter it was often mistaken with the letter Y, creating the famous lines like “Hear ye, hear ye” and “Ye olde pub” insted of “Hear the,hear the” and “The olde pub”

            No one pronounced these words like that unless that they were reading a very old text.

            So i think that people should just not try to go for medieval languages.

            Oh, and sorry for the long rant.

          • doresh

            You don’t even have to use other languages for that: The Japanese number “4” sounds almost exactly like “death” for example Oo

  • http://www.facebook.com/Daveythe6thMoon Clayton Dott

    Just one word about the end of the video. Hell no you’re not the only one pissed off by these stupid stories! I give all the shits about Final Fantasy’s downfall and by god this review is delightful. Hell, you actually go over questions I asked myself about this game’s ludicrous story when I slogged through it during my first play through! You are fantastic good sir!

  • http://www.facebook.com/thetechno.wolf TheTechno Wolf

    The moment where Serah turns to crystal would have been a good opportunity for a never-old-getting “You okay, lady ?”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Danny-Hill/1156509321 Danny Hill

    What was the ending song?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      The horrors of Hells.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Danny-Hill/1156509321 Danny Hill

        Can you give me some more information, because I looked for it and i found some Christian fear monger video

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          I mean listening to Leona Lewis is worse than Hell. It was a joke but also a bash against Leona Lewis for ruining a Final Fantasy game, even if that game is XIII.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Danny-Hill/1156509321 Danny Hill

            I don’t know how someone can ruin shite, I must say that If you answered my question after making a joke your comment at least made part of your comment not only worth looking at but it would make sense as well because if it was worse than hell why say it come from hell?

  • Emran Ismail

    After Lighting and crew defeated the Pulse Fal’cie Anima. It turned them into L’cie and Anima was destroyed so it turned into crystal

    • http://www.facebook.com/KoeLeos KOstantinos Piou ELeftheriadis

      your very good point about the explosion becomes invalid when Dahaka didnt explode after their fight on the top of that tower in Pulse

      • doresh

        I guess only some Fal’Cie are made of explodium XD

        • Atmos_Duality

          Only the Chosen are adorned with blessed Plot Armor.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Thomas-Rembrandt/100000266887558 Thomas Rembrandt

    hey Spoony :)

    Please, just… make more content…

  • http://twitter.com/anceldelambert Aaron Kerr

    Y’know, I’m still surprised Spoony didn’t use the Jurassic Park 2 “Sarah!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    I wish Lightning didn’t approve Snow marrying Serah at the end of the game. There are many good reasons why.

  • http://www.facebook.com/darthmam Miguel Aurelio Méndez Morales

    Ok, time has passed since this video was posted, and all though I don’t want to be a spammer or annoying fanboy, a thing must be asked. What is the name of the song in the Stereotypically-Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early 90’s Otaku Kid sketch and ending?

    • PeaTearGryfin

      Its a Spanish cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

    Wow.. isn’t it great? 12 days with not a single update! :)

    • Merost

      Hey he posts ~100 Tweets every day! Isnt that content too?

      • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

        Dude if i want to see someone have a nervous breakdown on twitter I think ill rather stay on my ex girlfriends twitter.

        Anyway the problem with his twitter is that he seems to have a problem with what he should putt on his twitter and what he should keep to him self. It can just get awkward to read.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        Ha. Nope.

    • ShipoftheLine

      Spoony needs to get his shit together. Does he want TheSpoonyexperiment to be his main gig, or a side project? If he wants it to be his main source of income, he should increase his output. One 20min video every two weeks is just ridiculous.

      Hey his videos are still funny (maybe a bit forced in recent time), but im sure his site visits are declining because of it.

      • Spectr

        He is looking for an editor on Twitter, to edit his videos, so that he can put out more stuff.

      • theshamster

        I think that Spoony should also write a novel. I myself have completed university and I graduate on the 19th. I’m going to be a sci-fi/fantasy writer, plus a script writer, and I have a very wild and amusing imagination.

        Spoony aslo has a very wild imagination, one that is perfect for putting the ideas he has to paper, plus I don’t know how he does it, but he is able to make numerous snarky, comical remarks with all his reviews, so why doesn’t he make a story out of his ideas, self publish it and make money? (maybe even get a film made.)

        I would ask him to write a story about the origins of…say…Dr Insano, and then go on to write Insano’s wild adventures; I’d sure buy, it as I love Insano’s antics (plus Son of Insano is soo adorable).

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        I agree. I even took the time to email him asking for more SWAT 4 videos. How hard is it to play SWAT 4 and edit that? It’s fun too so it’s not the same as going through a whole segment about final hallway. Less demanding should=quicker and more enjoyable videos.

        Or how about games he actually likes? The ultima retrospective was awesome. Except for Ultima 6. He totally was dishonest and didn’t even play that game. And all his criticisms boiled down to a lack of experience playing it. That game started me on the Ultima series. But I can forgive him for that. The rest of retrospective was great.

        There’s just no excuse. If spoony had regular quality content like he did back in 2009 or even 2010 and most of 2011 and 12, i’d be a paying subscriber. You hear that Spoony! I’D PAY 20 BUCKS A MONTH IF YOU HAD A REGULAR SHOW THAT YOU PUT EFFORT INTO LIKE THE OLD DAYS! He won’t read this comment though because he doesn’t seem to care about his fans.

        Ship, I don’t even watch his videos because I think he’s funny. I actually feel a connection with Spoon. I like him. At least what I’ve seen of him. And I don’t just mean the performances. Chuckles was hilarious though… I get the feeling I’d probably be good friends with Noah if I knew him in real life. I like him that much. That’s why it’s not as simple as it just being about entertainment. I consider him like an extended friend. Is that sad? Pathetic? Sure. But hey, I live in Idaho. There’s nothing but conservative rednecks and sluts around here and it’s not everyday you see somebody as cool and nerdy as Noah.

        It’s mostly due to the nature and format of the show. He talks to us, the audience, like we’re right there. So it’s natural to get kinda attached compared to a movie or something that’s being acted out for the audience. He also shows his real side at times which is more like a regular vlog site. That also helps you feel attached to him as a person. So is it a little strange I find myself feeling a vague connection with Noah as well as Spoon? Sure. But it’s understandable.

        On the other hand, it is annoying when I got nothing to watch and a regular site I check back at literally every day for entertainment is dead on a regular basis. There’s not a lot of entertainment out there on the web anymore that’s worth watching. It’s turning into cable tv. Now that NC is gone, and demo reel sucks, all I got left from this 1 1/2 year long journey I’ve had with Spoon, NC and linkara is Linkara. And linkara was originally my back up of the backup. (NC being the backup)

        Spoon means a lot to me. This guy, literally got me through a rough breakup. I lost my fiance back in april of 2011, and all I could find to distract me was spoony’s videos. I stumbled onto him by accident. And all I did for months was watch his videos for a couple hours a day. It took my mind off the pain and helped me get perspective and heal. I know that sounds cheesy, but spoony has become for me like a warm blanket or a pint of really good ice cream to chicks. And hey! To top of it off, it’s cheaper than therapy! :D (I’m not saying i’m nuts or anything, but break ups suck man.)

        SO yeah. Sorry for the novel. Maybe he’ll see this and realize how much we appreciate him. Probably be a little creeped out too. :D

        • joshmiller

          Check out the comments under the DREDD video. Some guys just posted the exact same thing.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            And apparently spoony replied! :O

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          If Spoony doesn’t care about his, then has become everything he claims he despises.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

    Ah, the kids are bitching about lack of content again. LOLZ.

  • exploda

    Lol Tommy Wiseau on the title card!

    • theshamster

      Tommy : “You’re tearing me appart, Sarah!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dane-Corle/1556299225 Dane Corle

    I wouldn’t necessarily say “worst writing ever”, rather I would say “most butchered writing ever”. There was actually a time when FFXIII was supposed to be this massive RPG, a true testament to the power of the PS3 as a console, with a massive sprawling world, tons of history and lore, and a story about heroic self-sacrifice and the fallacy of idolatry.

    At least that’s what the developers had in mind, but then the publishers at Square decided they were gonna do a 360 version (this is not an attempt to bash the 360. I own one myself and love it to death) which meant they could only have enough “game” to fit on a few 360 discs. Art director Isamu Kamikokuryo went on record saying that they cut so much content out of FF13 that they could literally make an entire second game out of it. So pretty much any story development they couldn’t squeeze in was plopped into the data log material. Quite a shame.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Dunn/147900507 Patrick Dunn

    This is just a quarter of the reason of why I HATE this game. Jesus it is just so bad it almost hard to explain…and I have tried. I just seem to word it myself too well. Thanks Spoon for reminding me why I still haven’t and probably will never finish this game. AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME! WHO GREEN LIGHTED THIS CRAP? DID NO ONE BOTHER TESTING TO SEE IF ANY OF THIS WORKED?! I will actually answer that, NO. All Square Enix wants to do now is make movies and fuck off to anyone who wants to play an actual game. I know Final Fantasy isn’t the best role playing experience (you don’t control a unique character that represents you and can make a different outcome of the tale) but fuck all at least they were entertaining stories with decent gameplay….most of the fucking time. I wish I had more room to rant but I will leave here for now. At least until the next video or so. I AM MALEFICENT05. AND THIS GAME HAS BEEN JUDGED.

  • http://twitter.com/jesternario jesternario

    You did Serah!!! count 3 twice. Also, great work.

  • http://www.facebook.com/toni.stanicic.3 Toni Staničić

    FF… setting new standards for horrible

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=807024846 Sammy Herremans

    I hope they add a Double antler whip stick in the next FF13 spin-off.

  • igotbanned999

    “Folding Deer-Antler Whipstick” is going to be the name of my new band.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mitchell-Bandes/100001750373297 Mitchell Bandes

      Band names are passe. Tumblr names are where it’s at.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Manning/100003141277746 Jason Manning

    When will FF go away from this disturbing anime pedafile stuff. The girl playing with deer antler whipstick isn’t really do anything wrong but who are they tring to please with that scene. This sort of brings me back to Riku’s exploitation which ganted I was a teenager when X and X-2 came but my god what the hell is wrong with FF team.

    • http://electricsistahood.com KL

      What’s wrong with pedafiles? I don’t think cataloging pictures of feet is hurting anyone.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Manning/100003141277746 Jason Manning

        haha pedal files, I haven’t heard that one before.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dane-Corle/1556299225 Dane Corle

      Rikku was 15. Vanille is 19.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Manning/100003141277746 Jason Manning

        oh, Spoony said those two were kids

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Manning/100003141277746 Jason Manning

        Did you look it up in a data log? haha

  • Hit Man

    Take that game down Spoony! Yeah!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      It was already taken down three years ago. Spoony added nothing new. How boring.

  • ybrevo

    Granted, i really dont want to read all 771 previous posts, but did anyone else notice that in the Serah counts, he counted 3 twice? heh. no big deal, just happened to notice. Also, anyone else think that vanille looks like the woman in the current Wendy’s commericals?

  • Daniel Hedeblom

    I never beat FF XIII completly because I got bored along the way. All those little materials or whatever they were called, you could use them to improve your weapons or something, I never figured out how to use them. So I looked in the guide, and it even said in the official guide that those parts were completly useless until the end of the game, so save all parts and use them in the end to upgrade your weapons… How boring is that!

  • Daniel Hedeblom

    I don’t agree that XIII-2 is worse than XIII though, it was just simply a more fun game along the way. While XIII didn’t keep my attention at all, XIII-2 kept me wanting to play more, which I think is a small improvement. It was not the story that kept me playing, but collecting monsters and things like that.

  • http://twitter.com/niko_kontio kiNok

    It’s dangerous to review alone so I leave you a comment.

    • Pétur Ingi Sigbjörnsson

      It’s dangerous to leave a comment so take this warning.

  • Candacey Doris

    I feel better knowing that other people feel this game makes no sense.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Everyone and their mothers said that. It’s not really hard to find against XIII. Join GameFAQs.

      • Candacey Doris

        I don’t hit the forums much. Unsurprisingly, between work, grad school and gaming, i’m not on the internet often.

  • Freak012

    I can think of one movie like that…. Donnie Darko

  • trololololololol

    The only critique that confuses me is how you dont understand how Snow can kill monsters and robots with his bare hands, or because of his “power coat” . Sabin in final fantasy 6 also fought using martial arts.
    Is it because the game itself is much better than 13, that you can accept things like this? Acually now that I think of it, Tifa would be a better example, she didnt even have the lifelong martial arts training Sabin had, and could still punch the weapon in the face hard enough he disintegrated.
    Not that im defending ff13 or anything, Ive accually never played it since it didn’t look very interesting to me. After the last few disapointing chapters I havent gone back to the series

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Karo-Gal/100000790948267 Karo Gal

      I think the problems with understanding Snow’s powers are that he put on a coat and suddenly he’s mke tyson. As you said, Sabin trained in martial arts for years, and you can believe he’s learnt some special moves that makes him capable of fighting bare handed (but he uses weapons too, claws if I remember correctly). Tifa also had training. She was trained by master Zangan. It is uncertain how long she was in training, but at least she was in training. And she wears gloves that looks like they are capable of inflicting pain.
      I have heard no information about Snow ever training martial arts, or how he’s learned this. When the only information they give is that the coat has superpowers, it becomes a bit harder to suspend your disbelief.

  • http://www.facebook.com/marco.bermudez.509 Marco Bermudez

    So, who think’s Spoony should play “The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask”?

    • MichaelT

      Er….why?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    Final Fantasy is NOT dead and neither is the JRPG genre. Xenoblade Chronicles, The Last Story and Ni No Kuni. As long as one person still think about it, the JRPG genre will NEVER die but you’re just too thick and ignorant.

    Yes, developers have screwed up big time but the Final Fantasy fanbase has become rotten to the core by it’s oldest fans making violent threats towards the company in belief that any horrible fan fiction they come up with will be instantly better.

    Developers and fans are two sides of the one coin with no good outcome regardless of which side tops the other. How sad and pathetic.

    • Atmos_Duality

      Not dead, merely niche.
      Which compared to 13 years ago, is a pretty big fall for the genre.
      But then again, these things go in cycles. For a time, rhythm-action-games were a big craze.

  • http://twitter.com/neytari Beth

    Really expected a “Sa-rah” from Jurassic Park II to show up.

    • http://www.facebook.com/raphael.boivin.50 Raphaël Boivin

      Oh don’t worry, it’s coming…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jack-Donald/547723767 Jack Donald

    So Final Fantasy XIII-3 (yes the name alone is a concept so stupid I can feel my synapses going into a protective shutdown) has been announced and, from the trailer, I now know that Lightning’s back, she’s in a stupider costume than ever before, she’s totally alone (going against a trait of flagship Final Fantasy games established nearly 30 years ago), the world’s going to end in 13 days and, above all other things, you can explore. The trailer nearly makes the damn game out to be a fucking platformer.

    Squenix. Stop apologising for XIII, its unsalvageable, concentrate on MAKING A FUCKING GOOD GAME YOU IDIOTIC CUNT-JUICE-GARGLERS!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Maybe they could reboot XIII in ten years time. Pull all copies of previous titles from stores, take the entire story apart, fix all the bad elements and add an interesting and unique take on the story, something less far-fetched and call it the TRUE Final Fantasy XIII. But first, Motomu Toriyama must have NO input whatsoever.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Binku-Muja/100003653927147 Binku Muja

        Or they could just, you know, leave it in the dirt where it belongs and deny all knowledge of it’s existance. Then actually work on a true FF game that doesn’t resort to 13-1-2-3’s bullshit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/spencer.rushton.5 Spencer Rushton

    I don think they are making the games out of obligation since this game has sold 6.7 million copies and XIII-2 sold 3 million copies as of 2012… which means square enix is making a 13-3. Can we expect a review on lightning returns?(even if your the only still talking about it)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Carroll/100000471709390 Patrick Carroll

    actually the chick gets a name

  • http://www.facebook.com/rj.brown.9809 RJ Brown

    i hated final fantasy 13 and 13-2 so much i rebought a playstation 2 and a new copy of final fantasy 9 my favorite in the series by far that i have played

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I admit, I DO like IV, VI and IX.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ciaran.donnelly3 Ciaran Donnelly

    This is probably going to be the only time I comment on any video but I just have to. I looked up the chocobo chick and Spoony wasn’t kidding. That and What The Fuck? were the only things running through my head when I read it. I mean WOW. If I ever comment again it will be with and actual account.

  • http://twitter.com/Rpground Rpground

    spoony isnt even kidding,ive read TERRIBLE fanfics and guess what? better story lines,everyone has a reason why they are doing shit. even if its absurdly stupid! even if its just “i wanna fuck cause its the next scene” blatant…HOW DO PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH THIS!?

  • http://www.facebook.com/AyaReiko Casey Burnett

    As for needing a study guide after watching a scene… Most of David Lynch’s works come close, but even he isn’t this incomprhensible.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=753345456 Octo Seven

    I’ve come on here and bitched and whined a lot regarding Spoony on recent videos, but let me be brutally honest here, this review is incredible so far, incredibly well written and well delivered, funny, informative, well edited, well performed. It’s probably the best thing he’s done so far and his quality has always been pretty high. I’m starting to realize that leaving TGWTG was good for Spoony creatively, he’s bounced back better than before. I’m eagerly anticipating the remaining parts of this review.

  • Rude

    1. Snow’s trenchcoat
    Coat enhances his strenght so it behaves just like powerarmor in Warhammer 40k or Fallout.
    Just instead of being heavy tanklike can its coat … with chest fully exposed. Naw this is just plain stupid.
    2 Hair-nest
    Meyby Sazh is just too damn cheap to get some kfc? In his Ultima review Spoony ranted on how avesome “Kill everyone” spells are. So wudnt having pet that his name behaves like erase button be avesome? Nobody wuld fuck with me.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Binku-Muja/100003653927147 Binku Muja

      True, but this is Final Fantasy we’re talking about. There’s suspension of disbelief and then there’s ‘what the fuck were these guys thinking?’

  • http://www.facebook.com/AlienMongoose Christa Kelly

    Your Serah counter is off. Though after playing this game for a hour my counting skills were off.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

    Going on about proto-ecology belts works about as well as dallad jelly. It IS funny, but you go on too long Spoony.Not sure if you hear honest feedback,but that whole technique doesn’t work for you. Love ya Spoon.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pmonibu かずき きりたてる

    I DEMAND That Spoony give us the sauce on that mariachi cover of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

  • Derp

    About Spoony’s imaginary conversation with snow and hope, First off Snow didnt know the mom was Hope’s mom. And Hope doesnt understand that the mom volunteered; its not like Snow forced her into it.

  • Gerardo Vazquez

    Anyone know where I can find a link to that Spanish Language Cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit?

  • http://twitter.com/jesternario jesternario

    Am I the only one who noticed that the SERAH!!! Count was actually 12?

  • http://twitter.com/Haruhi_Ouran Midori Fujioka

    Spoony (8) ~
    Where aaare youu? ~ There’s a paladin on FF XIII ~

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=821440455 Malcolm Spinedi

    About his super powered trench coat, I’d buy this theory, but aren’t there parts where he’s fighting without his coat?

    • Matt Morgan

      And if his coat is that useful and necessary, why does he use it as a scarecrow for a bunch of soldiers to shoot up?

  • http://twitter.com/MelissiaKuromoi Melissia

    The worst thing about this is that Twilight is better written than FFXIII.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Now that’s just insulting.

    • Szabu

      How about you actually play it before making outrageous claims like that? I played thrpugh FF1 and seen the first 4 Twilight movies, and it’s not even comparable. FF13 isn’t the best writing, sure, but it’s not nearly as horrible.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jay.shiver.7 Jay Shiver

    The funny thing is Snow’s my favorite character.

  • ThomasMink

    I’m so looking forward to an ‘Informer’ reference in a future episode, what with the main character’s name being Snow and all. I mean come on, it’s so obvious that it has to be done eventually just out of obligation.. even if the joke doesn’t fit at all. It’s seriously one of the main reasons I’m watching and looking forward to more of this. :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ville-Gunnarsson/100000930270763 Ville Gunnarsson

    Where is part 3?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Paavo-Saarinen/1315272272 Paavo Saarinen

    I have high hopes for Final Fantasy Versus XIII, but of course the first Final Fantasy game in years that looks like it might actually be good gets constantly delayed and has now been in development for over 7 fucking years

  • Guest

    whats the song that plays around 07:43-07:55 ?

    • http://www.facebook.com/raphael.boivin.50 Raphaël Boivin

      It’s a spanish version of “Smells like teen spirit” by Nirvana.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joonas-Ahlskog/1564434460 Joonas Ahlskog

    whose version is that spanish smells like teen spirit?

  • http://twitter.com/GrantElicious Grant Butler

    When is part 3?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1424697063 Josh Mc

    This part of the review doesn’t even give a good pro or con opinion of the game. It’s pure, 100% nit-picking.

    • Matt Morgan

      Hey bro. Nitpicking is pointing out negative aspects of something

      Just sayin

  • http://www.facebook.com/john.pauliii.98 John Paul III

    Hey Noah, you should mention a few things in part3…

    The weapons upgrade system
    The horrible lacking of any gil with the crappy looting system.
    The retry for battles
    The edolion/summon battles.
    Dysley/SuperPope
    Doom, and battle lost if your party leader dies.

    Some positives:
    It’s been lacking in the series, but the different enemies in each
    class aren’t just palette swaps like the old days. This was first
    implemented in FF12 but it was done better in FF13. You gotta give some
    credit in that small positive that they rectified.

    The reason why I somewhat liked the crystarium system and getting rid of the traditional level up system is that you choose what job gets upgraded instead of it upgrading the one you end the battle with. Overall I didn’t like the crystarium system but it did have a big silver lining and some logic.

    In fact my favorite part with FF13 was the job/paradigm system. Only complaint on that is that it could of used more slots.

    I actually liked the monsters walking about and running into them to encounter them. I felt that it was a nice change from the old fashioned random encounters & enemies appear from thin air.

    —————————————————

    Even though it brought back the ATB system, it gave it a micro-managment system and made it unable to directly control your other party members. I think the reason why they did that was to make the battle speed faster. One of the problems with the PS1 era (mostly FF8 and FF9) was the incredible slow battle speed and movement. Since then Square tried to improve the speed of baattles. First starting with FF10’s system, then they tried FF10-2’s system, then FF12’s system, then FF13’s system. Out of those 4 games, I like FF10-2’s time system the best. In my opinion, it had the perfect balance of speeding up battles, while still being able to directly control all of your characters.

    I think most fans just gave up on the Final Fantasy series. I think after 10,10-2, and 12… 13 was it’s last chance to redeem itself, and it didn’t do the job. People have so much hate for 12 and 13 that they don’t consider them “real Final Fantasy games”.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Binku-Muja/100003653927147 Binku Muja

      Problem is, the vast array of enemies is rendered completely pointless from a tactical standpoint when any of the idiots you are forced to keep alive can all nail, say for example, flying enemies with melee weaponry instead of forcing you to shake up those tactics by switching to long range weaponry or magic. There is no strategy whatsoever in this game, it’s essentially a gambling game where you hope you have the right jobs cast for each cardboard donkey you have no choice but to keep alive against your own will.

      Even if you cast the wrong Job set for a character you could’ve fought back from a defecit in any of the older FF games and squeaked in a win. With FF13? Fuck no.

      I actually happened to enjoy FF12 on it’s own terms. Though the combat was weird at first, I quickly got used to it. But FF13? That was the last straw for me. I can tolerate a lot of crap in a game, but taking away control over my party members and character is unforgivable. Auto-Battle should not be a function in a game no matter what anyone says.

  • Kaltzor

    It’s not his coat, the things on the back of his coat are what do it… WHY they exist aren’t explained, but yea, strength enhancing symbol things.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1271696023 Adrian Burt

    I noticed your N7 t-shirt Spoony. A subtle reference to an inherently better series from an inherently better developer.

  • http://www.facebook.com/FriendlyFireRTK Raleigh Tyson Kerber

    The main reason I despise FF13 series, is the fact that it didn’t simply end. They could have just left it the way it was and moved on to Versus 13 and Kingdom Hearts 3 like everyone wanted, but NO! They screwed around by making FF13-2 and Lightning Returns, and now with the PS4 coming out next Holiday Season its highly likely that the ones we REALLY WANT WON’T BE RELEASED ON THE PS3!!!!!

    I’m taking all bets “Versus 13 and Kingdom Hearts 3 will be released on the PS4 and NOT the PS3″

  • Lloyd Irving

    Spoony, why won’t you play the Tales of series instead of Final Fantasy?

    • Dudejo

      Because no one outside of Japan gives a crap about the Tales series. It was designed to appeal to Japanese teenagers and no one else. Also, it’s linear as hell.

  • Mario Solis

    FF X and beyond, seems totally makerted for children, since most of the games enviroment and content are like an explanation of a child, there’s not much room for a constant “why…”. most enviroments and motives are mostly emotional, everything is huge and seems invincible, but it is destroyed with a nobody with a megadeth trench coat. Also there isn’t the sligthest effort to make these worlds solid or at least memorables in any way, seems to me that these games are made with the eternal council of marketing department, like any scaming hollywood movie whom based a whole premise in the idea of an amazing trailer video, wich has no real place in the product. seems like square enix HQ has 33545464654 art work designers, 48944353 trailer producers, 646564654 maketing supervisors and 0.5 writters. this kind of games i like to call “SPGs” wich is Self Playing Games.

    • NeroAngelo

      i’m not sure how “for children” X-2 was XDD

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=585082466 Athan Brown

    Do you plan on continuing this review or was that send off real? I really want to know the BS behind that chickens name.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ron-MClendon/100000975670559 Ron MClendon

    tifa fought with nothing but her hands, she piledrived ruby weapon and you dont see spoony bitching about that, and its ok for sabin to punch giant robots but its not ok for snow to do it cause who cares right? you need to stop forcing crap on your fans just so they’ll watch you and actually tell us what you think. i miss the old spoony back when he made good videos. also you need a haircut

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Binku-Muja/100003653927147 Binku Muja

      He actually explains why Sabin get’s a pass, while Snow gets a kick up the backside. Sabin he explained in part 1. Tifa trained under master Zangan and continued training even after he left per his intructions. Snow on the other is just some guy who punches things. They do not explain how or why, or even if he had any training under some kind of master. He just has a techno trench coat which is never explained or even brought up in game and that’s supposed to make him Mister Awesome Knuckles.

      • Jonathan Andersson

        Tifa is also from a place where magic is pretty much publicly available to anyone, while Snow is just some dumbass with a trench coat.

  • yipe

    I thought the little antler staff whip stick dance she did before she said “Well?” was a little shoutout to Yuna doing a sending. That doesn’t make it make sense though.

    • Binku Muja

      I may have been hopped up on something, but I distinctly remember reading that the antler whip stick was apparently a friggin’ fishing pole. No seriously, this is what it said in the bible sized info section in the game. Which makes no god damn sense in the context of the game. I hope I am wrong, really I do. Because if not, this brings into question the sanity of whoever the hell came up with the idea of a fishing rod that turns into three detachable whip parts….

  • Mark Orr

    Where did you find a Mexican polka cover of Nirvana’s “smells like teen spirit”?

    Or is that just how mariachi grunge sounds these days?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001234370011 Ryan Wilson

    24:35
    I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ohgodpleasemakeitstopithurts Jordan Madama

    To be fair, The Big Lebowski did get a little hard to follow at times.

    • NeroAngelo

      the dream sequences, maybe
      the rest is an easy-to-follow plot

  • James

    I would fear for my life if a bladed Monstrosity that looks like a Angel a la Evangelion just popped up in my home town

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Olga-Nillelund/100000462233621 Olga Nillelund

    Okay… Is no one going to mention the fact that SERAH!!! looks like a twelve year old? I mean… the proportions of her body, the height.. She can’t be older than 14! Vanille is a kid, right? And their bodies pretty much match up in proportion. Actually.. no! Vanille looks like she’s hit puberty, where as SERAH!!! has not. I… I don’t even!

    Don’t know if bad design or “Dafuq, Japan?”

    • Rhys A Davies

      well if you look at Japanese people a lot of them look younger then they are smaller slimmer and flat chested they have proportions that could be considered childish in western civilization so they don’t think it to weird it happens quite a bit especially in manga and anime you get characters who appear a lot younger then they are and some who appear a lot older then they are and that’s a reference to western civilizations grooming of our children especially girl because of how sexualized women are in the society a child see’s (mainly media like music videos or movies) that they are becoming more sexual and japan make a reference to the fact girls in the west can pass as much older whereas Japanese in the west get asked for id a lot more so SERAH could be a lot older than she looks same with vanille but maybe its square being strange again

      • Olga Nillelund

        I see your point. But there’s making a reference to how much older young
        girls look today and then there’s making Snow look like he’s marrying a
        twelve year old! And everyone else being okay with it!

        But..
        Snow is what? 20-ish? And assuming that Serah is at least legal, thus
        being 18, she… should not look like that! *I* did not look like that
        at 18. Serah doesn’t look like she’s even had her first period yet!

        I’m probably overthinking this, but it’s just plain weird!

        • Dan

          Age of consent in most of the known world is 13.

        • phoenixrider100

          It is stated in the wiki she is 18 . . somehow. But yes the age of constent is 13 in japan (as long as the parter is 18 or younger i think) so who really knows. But acussing anime or japanese games of sexualising underage girls is somewhere between pointing out the obivous and trivalising a different culture. Give Spoony credit, when Riku, a really underage character is sexualised, he was disgusted.

          • Olga Nillelund

            18? With that body? Maybe she’s just… really skinny? I.. I have to stop overthinking this!

            I wasn’t harping on Spoony by saying “And everyone else being okay with it!”, I was harping on the other characters.

            “Hey, Lightning..Do you dislike Snow because he’s marrying your underaged sister, or because he’s just generally a doofus? It’s the doofus thing, right?”
            But.. fine! She’s 18 and it’s just a.. design.. flaw. Let’s just settle on that and proceed to nag Spoony to finish the damn review!

          • Dudejo

            Some women do have very petite builds. I met one in her 20’s who was built like a little girl.
            Also, a guy I used to hang out with, had a Japanese mother (so he’s half-Japanese). She had the same build.
            So guessing their maturity level comes down to observing their general behavior.

          • Elisabeth

            It’s not just Serah and Vanille’s body builds, it’s also their voices and mannerisms that made me think “fetishizing underage girls”. Vanille in particular has a squeaky little-girl voice.

          • Matt Morgan

            Yeah, you should stop comparing yourself to Japanese women and getting jealous and developing body issues because people are different. You are projecting like, so hard.

          • Ninty

            One of my friends is dating a woman that could pass for 15. She’s in her 20’s. So it’s not just the Japanese.

    • LuciusMadgloom

      That might be another reason why Lightning hates Snow ;P

  • http://www.facebook.com/philip.saxevall Philip Saxevall

    Well Spoon, you actually got me with the chocobo 7 min in. I gritted my teeth, my lower lips sank to the chin, I stared at you with wide eyes, and felt my eyebrow muscles quivering. Just imagine it all applied to my fb avatar and you got it. Well played.

  • http://twitter.com/XSpectreGreyX XSpectreGreyX

    I don’t think the hand thing is meant to be symbolic. I think it’s just there to make it seem sadder.

  • Daniel Tilson

    I think they hired the “Double Club” guy to design weapons for this game.

    • Matrim

      Don’t knock the double club, it’s saved my life more times than I can count. I have the big bone as a backup.

  • Manuel Wolf

    fun fact: spoony is mentioned in his own article on the final fantasy wiki.
    they list pretty much anything he’s ever said about anything related to the series.
    also, either he reads the walkthroughs there, or blue highwind is one of his fans, because they have the same jokes .

  • jagarcia0705

    A dear antler staff, that fires off whips. It could have been worse. Somebody could have invented a wrist mounted weapon that launches dogs at mach 2…wait, what?

    • Dudejo

      At least the latter would actually hurt the target.

    • NeroAngelo

      at least THAT has some basis in reality. the antler-staff thing is like . . . idk, trying to use a fishing rod as a weapon?

      • TheDapperChangeling

        Hey now, fishing rods have saved Hyrule countless times. Don’t insult the fishing rod.
        Seriously, play Twilight Princess, and whip out your fishing rod when fighting Ganon.

        • NeroAngelo

          i know. Ganondorf’s ADD is a SERIOUS problem

    • Slevin424

      Hmm… well if the impact doesn’t hurt you should the dog live it can probably attack after so… yeah that’s much more effective than dear antler whips.

  • Rakkrakk

    “Aside from Dune”, damnit, I wanted to call you out on that one! I’ll get you some time, spoony!
    Even if I have to wear a silly wig to do so! Wait, what?

  • LuciusMadgloom

    Well personally I don’t think explaining things halfway through a movie makes it bad. Hell it can actually be pretty cool (except for the names that should be cleared up sooner).. But that movie was pretty bad… Than again I Love the Black Rock Shooter anime & its not considered any good so I don’t know how much my opinion may be worth for you ;p

  • Aaron Kerr

    “Serah saved us!”
    God, it’s amazing how wrong Snow is. About everything. He’s wrong from beginning to end.

    • NeroAngelo

      yeah. She doomed them, she really did

  • darkmage0707077

    “Oh, oh there it is, that look-”

    Yep. He got me there. I was just like
    ._. What?

    for a second.

    • wizzbang

      So…why? Why will speaking that stupid bird’s name cause ripples of what-have-you?

      • NeroAngelo

        because FFXIII-2 is an amazingly stupid waste of your money and time

        • Sioda

          I’d go so far as to say all three of them are a waste of time and money. by definition this isn’t an RPG. you would have to have actual role playing for to to be a role playing game. this is pretty much a combat simulator with some shitty storytelling.

  • Brian Martin

    I don’t think “Ordonacean” is a word.

    • Charles Wagner

      I think Spoony refered to the Aurignacian, which existed during the Upper Paleolithic Age. Granted, from what I could find out, the Aurignacian was a culture, not a period, but still.

      • Daniel2112

        I’m thinking he meant the Ordovician Period that began roughly 488 million years ago and lasted 45 million years.

        • Matrim

          No, there weren’t cave paintings 488 million years ago, while there were cave paintings during the

          Aurignacian period (the period 35K to 45K years ago), the oldest cave paintings on record.

      • Matrim

        It’s an archaeological culture, which isn’t the exact same thing as a culture as we use the term. It refers to artifacts that are connected by period and place, not necessarily by particular groups of people. Aurignacian culture and the Aurignacian period are synonymous (the portion of the upper paleolithic between roughly 40K and 35K BCE)

  • Rakkrakk

    Only difference is that what’s going on in Black Rock Shooter(aside from the pointless opening scene) is somewhat clear by the end of it. Not so in FFXIII which I believe doesn’t know by itself what’s going on.

  • Elisabeth

    For never was there a tale of more blow, than that of Lightning and that douchebag Snow.

  • Lpwn Wolf

    After the disappointfest that was 12, I gave up on FF altogether. Good gods, looks like bullets were dodged.

  • Slevin424

    ….no actually that only makes it sound even worse

    • Wired Whale

      She also probably took advantage of the fact that Sazh was depressed and probably didn’t want to be bothered.

      • https://twitter.com/HS199432 HS199432

        …I think my IQ dropped 10 points from reading that.

        • Wired Whale

          If it dropped that fast from reading a post on Disqus, then it couldn’t have been that high (or that sturdy) to begin with. See? I can throw around baseless insults too.

          • chelvo56 .

            He didn’t insult you, he found the whole idea the storywriters had so mindnumbingly dumb, that he expressed it.

  • King Chopper

    I tried to play this game, I really did. I wanted to like it, I wanted to enjoy it even a little, but I just couldn’t. Maybe it’s my having become a rather cynical bastard over the years but almost everything about it just made me cringe. At least Square finally got out of denial and went and made the main character a woman instead of some androgynous teen boy.

  • Gussie Jives

    Do they really expect us take these people seriously and care for what happens to them? The hair, the outfits, the bird living in a guy’s AFRO????

    I hate these games.

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