Final Fantasy XIII – Part 5

The Spoony One | Dec 22 2013 | more notation(s) | 

Only my hatred can destroy the world, but is there truly anything anyone can say or do to make me hate the world so much that I would want to see it all burn?

One way or another, it all ends in 2013. The finale is coming soon.

  • AnAnarchist

    Foist

    • http://UnholyFireDragon.blogspot.com/ Unholy Fire Dragon

      Sack-ond!

      • PokeyFluffytail

        Thoyd!

        • StealthMarmot

          Farth!

          • Doctor_Who

            Filth!

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            Sith!

  • Mary Sulkowski

    YAYSE

  • Nicholas M. Grey

    I’ve played through FF13.

    …most frustrating modern RPG ever made. Ever. And when the plot of your big
    bad can literally be foiled by doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING…you are a
    rotten mastermind. And I know some may say “What about FMA”? In THAT, we
    saw that no matter where the chosen sacrifices were, all Father had to
    do was activate his magic to suck them in from anywhere to his base as
    long as they were in the country. They would have had to actually leave
    the country to get away. With this, all they have to do is LITERALLY SIT
    ON THEIR BUTTS AND NOT MOVE, and nobody would be able to destroy Orphan
    because he’s just that powerful and that hard to reach. He has powerful
    bodyguards so no ordinary troops could get him, and mindless beasts
    would be destroyed in the path to reach him so ONLY a l’cie could reach
    him, and Dysley cashed all his chips on the ONLY TWO l’cie who could
    become Ragnarok. And if they do literally nothing!

    …point being…this. Game. Blows.

    • Mary Sulkowski

      Also, that FMA argument reminds me of the stupid “Why didn’t the eagles FLY Frodo to Mordor” like that’s not the stupidest plan ever.

      P.S. FMA rules, FFXIII drools
      *is a total 5-year-old about her faves*

      • Casey Williamson

        Flying Frodo to Mordor on the back of a gigantic eagle would work if literally noone looked up at the sky at all…

        So, Gandalf should have cast a spell that gave all of the Orcs iPhones, so that they may never gaze upon the sky again…

        • Daniel Tilson

          He would also have had to distract the GIANT FLAMING EYEBALL OF DOOM!

          • Gborr

            Give him a Giant Flaming EyePhone of Doom?

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        I like Fullmetal Alchemist AND Final Fantasy XIII. I can imagine Lightning calling Edward a kid and Ed would flip his shit.

    • Patrick Coyle

      What’s funny is that a lot of JRPGs have plots like this, where if the heroes just stayed home and didn’t travel the world collecting the McGuffin Crystals, things would mostly stay okay. Or if they at least threw them into some random desert or ocean or volcano or something instead of keeping them in a collection and carrying them around everywhere, the bad guy wouldn’t be able to saunter up and take them all with some well-placed treachery or blackmail.

      This is just the first game where the characters realize this, and basically say “fuck it, we need to give the players another 30+ hours of gameplay.”

      • Rakkrakk

        *Nods*

        Neither setting or plot matter. What matters is the story. The story of the characters. They are bones, flesh and blood to a good work of fiction. The narrative and plot are the joints connecting and enabling movement of the limbs, and then, finally, as the skin, the backstory, setting and designs come in.

        With a game it’s even more than that: The marrow and brain of the metaphorical body represent the gameplay, because without, it’s just hollow.

  • headband1

    Renalds! That is very surprising.

    Anyway, nice review. Glad to see you’re getting back to this series. Wonder if the 13 finale will be like the 8 finale. Seems to be going that way, especially with you moving in with your girlfriend (congrats, btw).

  • Patrick Coyle

    I think Cocoon and R’lyeh must have had the same urban planner, the way nothing makes sense in relation to anything else.

  • Craig Mcleod

    Yeah, I’m only in this to see the spoony bits. We have better RPGS, hell, we have better JRPGS. Xillia came out only a year later and somehow got everything; the condensing of the story, the mechanics, the removal of the world map, the talking whilst walking thing, everything XIII did and better.

    Oh and Jude is like a million times better than the three stooges will ever be and Milla is a far more likeable main female character than Lightning will ever be in spite of Toriama waxing constantly about her.

    • golden izanagi

      the only thing I can hate about xillia is fucking ivar you know that idiot handmaid who claims he can do a better job at protecting milla then well an experienced tactician,and two martial artists with medical training, and the fact that he thinks he can be a replacement for a member for Gaius’s chimeriad Jiao a guy who once took on resident badass gaius is something that made me want to go into the tv and chokehold the guy and tell him that Jiao would’ve beaten the shit out of him with just his beard if he picked a fight with him.

      • Aschthebloody

        which is the reaction the game was going for i think

        • golden izanagi

          maybe but even the most annoying of characters in various entertainment mediums will often do something useful or amazing and I was hoping that xillia would do that with him making me at least slightly less annoyed by ivar but no considering later on in the game he causes the schism that was keeping invaders out of world of reize maxia to open up, true he didn’t know about the schism and thought he was just freeing the spirits that will give milla her godlike powers back but the thing is he went there because of a letter out of nowhere telling him that milla will need his help at some point even though just two seconds ago milla had just told him to go and protect the village.

          • Craig Mcleod

            I’m in two minds aboue Ivan.

            Mind one is as above; he’s a fucking morron.

            Mind Two is that he is so utterly animated (the pose he pulls when he fires the Lance) that I can’t bring myself to hate him.

            Mind you I did rider kick him in the boss battle that ensued later so maybe that was me seeing to mind one.

          • Aschthebloody

            i know what you mean, at least Luke owned up to his dumb-fuckery in the end. well that and you realize he is actually 7. but with xillia ivar was just an annoying dumb-ass that wouldn’t go away and do the job his .kind of, god told him to do.

    • golden izanagi

      but on xillia yeah I like the game and characters and the fact that fresh mutton is being sold in every town you go to which makes me wonder why the party never bought any?

      • Craig Mcleod

        They could have done with having more store sounds, yes.

  • PokeyFluffytail

    Fucking, Reynolds…
    Sweep the leg on him Spoony! O:.<

  • http://UnholyFireDragon.blogspot.com/ Unholy Fire Dragon

    Anal-ects? LOL… It really says anal-ects… *keeps laughing* …I am such a child.
    And apparently, I already won this game by not playing a second of it. Yay me!

    Based on what you said and shown, this game is such a battle-grinder that it would make MapleStory seem like a story-based game; and the heroes are the “men/women of steel” who would often go through long empty hallways (because long empty hallways = drama, apparently).

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      It’s a-ne-le-cts!

      • Sam Pagano

        Actually to be entirely pedantic it’s an-nah-lects.

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          I find that hard to believe. Spoony only referred to it the way he did just to throw a joke about the anus.

          • http://UnholyFireDragon.blogspot.com/ Unholy Fire Dragon

            Go to somewhere between 8:49 to 9:49 and look at the word on the upper left (go full-screen if it helps). I’m pretty sure it’s “Analects”.

          • Sam Pagano

            That’s not how Spoony said it.

  • Brian Martin

    I hope you will start XIII-2 soon.

    • Craig Mcleod

      No, abort! abort!

      Seriously abort.

      • Brian Martin

        What are you talking about?

        • Casey Williamson

          You don’t know yet?

        • Patrick Coyle

          Shitty Chrono Trigger knock-off + horrible cartoon moogle = NOOOOOOOO!!!!

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            I like Final Fantasy XIII and I upvote your comment.

          • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

            Don’t forget the ear-molesting rendition(s) of the chocobo theme, and the eye-raping horror that is the Choco-Prostitute!

            But seriously, that game is just out to violate the heads of anyone foolish enough to gaze upon it. I don’t think a video is even necessary, because there is nothing Spoony can do to it that the game didn’t do to itself first (except perhaps throw some cursewords and a pop culture reference or two in the mix). The last thing one wants to do is give more attention to it. Our pain only makes it stronger.

            So yes, abort! Abort!

  • alvaro oyarte

    i knew i should have checked all of the IMDB!! now is time to see how much of Coocoon will be destroyed by Spoony’s SWAT powered rage XD

    • L1nk1

      If I remember right it was not in the IMDb in early September.

  • Derek Thomas

    He’s going to quit after this year and begin a new life, with a new job and a new relationship with April. I’m calling it. That’s what “One way or another, it all ends in 2013. The finale is coming soon.” means. Just like NC did earlier last year with that subtle hint in to boldly flee. This is Tandem the Spoony’s last ride.

    • Jayden Reynolds

      Check his Twitter more. He’s explicitly referring to *just* FFXIII.

      • Derek Thomas

        I just did.. it doesn’t say anything about referencing purely FFXIII. You got a tweet you could share I missed?

        • Daniel Tilson

          Well, he’s said he’s going to do 13-2… so he can’t be done just yet unless he already filmed that review too.

          • Derek Thomas

            I hope not. This was awesome. I was so wrong. :D

          • Daniel Tilson

            I really doubt he’d just walk away considering that he makes enough money doing this that he (apparently) doesn’t need another job, and he is able to fill his house with nerdy bullshit (At least the old one.. I expect April’s nerdy bullshit will take over more than half of the new place. ^_^)

            That stuff is not cheap, and while he did own a lot of it before he started, you can see that he’s acquired more since the beginning.

    • LotusPrince

      There is no freaking way. He does this for a living.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      While I, a fan of FFXIII, am to rot here in my misery as no matter what I say or do, I barely make an understanding between me and those who hate the game but only those who listen to reason.

      Fuck Spoony! This all a joke to him. Now Spoony will likely throw eggs at XIII cosplayers and people will praise him while the cosplayers would be humiliated.

      Final Fantasy XIII is a good game and will always have fans, no matter what! This doesn’t apply to XIII-2 and Lightning Returns because they NEVER HAPPENED!

      • Daniel Tilson

        And yet, they did happen, and there are people who liked those too.

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          Then I’ll leave them alone.

      • Jonesy89CFPD

        Or maybe he won’t do any such thing. There is no past history that I am aware of Spoony becoming physically violent toward members of any particular fandom, and this hardly leads to the conclusion that he is going to start doing so. This is a highly speculative with no firm supporting premises.

        Look, I get how it feels to be in the minority. I hate the everloving crap out of the Baldur’s Gate games for the way they adhere to all the Forgotten Realms/low grade D&D tropes I despise (objective Good and Evil as measured by alignment), their plodding pacing, atrocious attempts to mix humor and serious drama a la Quest for Glory as written by hacks (when Not-Elminster reminded me his image was copyrighted right after I had slaughtered doppelgangers who resembled everyone my character had grown up with, I had to resist the urge to ragequit the game), numerous writing problems (characters being little more than speechless combat units in game one, and game two confusing characters expositing without player prompting at the drop of a hat for character building), and problematic gameplay (the Infinity Engine’s mangling of D&D by implementing RTWP coupled with broken AI that could barely make their way across a room together with at least one breaking off and travelling the long way around through unexplored areas), and I don’t get why people like them outside of nostalgia.

        That said, this doesn’t give me any reason to assume that I will be persecuted through violence, and while I will always respond to any explanation of why the series is good with critique, it certainly doesn’t give me the right to be insulting or abusive, as you have been. I suggest that you either leave or attempt to conduct yourself more politely.

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          Because it’s Final Fantasy XIII. Every other bad game gets a free pass because it’s not that game. E.T.? FFXIII. Mass Effect 3’s ending? FFXIII? Ride to Hell? FFXIII.

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            Let us set aside the fact that your post doesn’t seem to respond to anything I just said and feels like a complete non sequitur. If I am reading this right, you think that E.T, Ride to Hell, and ME3’s ending got a free ride. I have not played any of those games, but all of them prompted a critical paddling session as far as I know, with EA actually offering a new ending as DLC (something that I’m not entirely pleased with for reasons Yahtzee put forth far better than I could in his Extra Punctuation column). If you are claiming that the games get a free ride from Spoony, then I remind you that one of the earliest reviews he did was E.T., and that just because he hasn’t said anything about those other games (not that I am aware of; does anyone know if it came up in a vlog?) doesn’t necessarily mean that they get a free ride with him.

      • Derek Thomas

        Do you realize how crazy that sounds? I think you need some introspection. It’s just a game. You sound unhealthy and a bit mentally obsessed with it.
        What is most off-putting is the way you share this so openly with others, assuming we feel the same or that almost anyone else does. It’s this belief that your craziness is normal that is I think bleeding through and making people uncomfortable. Being crazy is a natural result of a crazy world. But when people start being in denial about how crazy they are, that’s when bad stuff starts to happen. I would suggest you take a good long, hard, HONEST introspective look at yourself. You may not like what you find, but it’s the first and necessary step to growth and maturity. Most people can get away with never doing that, because they haven’t gone through the krap you and I have. But for us, it’s mandatory for both recovery and a healthy life. I’ve already done all that, and now at 26 I can tell you, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The only way to anything REAL, is to be painfully, tirelessly honest with yourself. I relate to you. But you need to take some pro-active steps to deal with this, because I can tell you have serious emotional problems. Been there. Done that. And I’ve overcome them.

        So, the proper response to this is to admit to yourself that you have problems. Then, I would do some soul searching and nail down what those are. Lastly, I would get the help of a therapist and explore those problems with them. It may take years, but you’ll be a better, healthier person for it, and your relationships will improve immensely. Don’t just admit it to the forum you’ve embarrassed yourself on, but to yourself. Indeed, if it makes you feel better, deny it on the forum. But accept and internalize my advice. It comes from a well-meaning, well-experienced place. As they say, it takes one to know one. And I can spot you a mile away.

      • Ryan Kaufman

        I think everyone’s rightly said what should be said. However, I’m just gonna chime in and say screw off.

        First you start off by saying “only those who listen to reason” will understand FF13. Or maybe, they will only understand how you like the game, or something silly like that.

        No, that isn’t right at all. Why? Well where’s your reason? Let’s continue through your post.

        Your second part is just a vapid assumption that’s baseless and downright idiotic. When has Spoony been physically violent towards anyone? If you have proof I’d love to see it.

        Your last part is just… silly? Nonsense? Unnecessary? FF13 is not a good game. You can like the game all you want, it is not a GOOD GAME. I like Judd Apatow movies, but I can certainly understand how they are not GOOD movies. Why? Well the level they stand at is not up to how I view the object in question. To understand that is to reach nirvana in this opinionated internet where everyone likes and dislikes everything differently than you.

        So I’ll close by saying that you bring no reason to the table. You just seem to be angry or sad that FF13 isn’t as great as you think it is to Spoony and the majority of us.

        As I said, you can like it all you want, but saying that it is a good game requires evidence, otherwise I could say Prometheus is the best movie in the last 30 years or that Ride to Hell (which was NOT passed over, are you kidding?) is the greatest video game ever released. I can say a lot, but because I have no backing behind these statements (because they’re false – otherwise I could give reasoning) it’s just a waste of space for me, for everyone else, and most importantly – for you.

  • L1nk1

    I didn’t know he would use that twist at the end in this one. I’m gladly surprised.

  • Gregory Bogosian

    The fact that the Falcie were aware of the religious text that inspired them in the first place, means that before they formulated and enacted their plan to destroy Cacoon, they just sat around reading theological treatises all day. So being a Falcie is functionally the same thing as attending a seminary on modern earth, just presumably with no research papers, tuition, or exams.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      That’s bullshit. The fal’Cie always knew about their maker and knew the mass sacrifice would disturb their maker. Religious texts written by humans has nothing to do with it.

      • Gregory Bogosian

        How did the fal’Cie know all of that? Did they meet their maker and ask them what would bring them back? Do they just know all of this stuff innately?

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          I imagine the fal’Cie met their maker, who tells them all what their purposes are and leaves. The fal’Cie aren’t happy and want their maker’s attentions by killing all of humanity to demand to be free.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            But how do the fal’Cie know that destroying humanity will get the maker to return to them, and assuming it does, that it won’t get the maker to destroy the fal’Cie just out of rage?

          • Atmos_Duality

            They don’t. The plot relies on assumptions based on blind faith to work.
            A touch ironic, given that the plot amounts to nothing more than “Lets go kill God”

          • Gregory Bogosian

            Is that intentional meta-plot irony? Or just a sign of bad writing?

          • Atmos_Duality

            Given Squeenix’s history, it’s definitely bad writing.

          • Aschthebloody

            i will believe that Valvatorez will be able to kill god with the power of sardines before anybody in this game could.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Ah, but have you seen how FF13 ends?
            It’s…ten kinds of retarded, with all the usual Deus Ex Machina bullshit one expects from a bad JRPG.

          • Aschthebloody

            yea, i saw the end. it was basically in line with what i expected from the writers of that peace of shit, more shit and no sense.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            The Door of Souls, son. It opens whenever a person dies and the souls goes through the door. If billions die, the door will stretch wide out for so many souls, probably the fal’Cie’s ticket to see their maker.

            If the maker is pissed, then that’s the fal’Cies’ fault but the maker is one of three fal’Cie gods. The Maker is Hallowed Pulse who created Pulse, Lindzea is the creator of Cocoon and Etro who had no power but tore herself open and humans were born from her blood. Etro’s intervention causes more harm than good which is how the main six were free of their focus and l’Cie brands but also the cause of time itself to fall apart in XIII-2.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            So how did the fal’Cie know about the door of souls? Is it a physical thing that anyone can find if they just travel to the right location? Is it some metaphysical construct that the fal’Cie somehow deduced to exist from the fundamental properties of the cosmos? Did one of the three gods just explain what the door of souls is and how it works to the fal’Cie?

  • The Janitor

    That ending had me by my sides, man.

  • Grace Soriano

    Jeez, every new part to FFXIII is so painful to watch. I remember being so psyched for the game and getting it. I even got a limited edition art book and shit. …Then I learned of the atrocity that was the game. I never opened it, I never played it, it is now in the furthest corner of my closet trying to be forgotten.
    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Noah!

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      You never even played the game yet? How can you forge your opinion without actually given the game a try? Spoony took a lot of scenes out of context and ignores significant character development. You owe to yourself to play this game.

      Do what I do and only play it for two hours and take a break ranging from another to a day. You’ll get a full month of playtime while maintaining your personal life.

      • Grace Soriano

        Oh my goodness. I am not 1. wasting my time playing the game at all, and 2. basing my opinion solely on these videos (dur-hey). That’s like saying you really can’t call Grown Ups 2 a bad movie until you’ve seen it. Even though I’ve not wasted any amount of time on the game I know the music is terrible (and not by Nobuo Uematsu), the character design is so stock, the voice acting seems miscast, the levels are all linear (I’ve seen the strategy guide and I know it’s no exaggeration), the battle system is an obvious downgrade from FFXII.
        I know no one who liked the game. The whole thing looks like Magna Carta 2 with better graphics. The signs are all there. I’m so sure that if I played it my opinion would remain the same. I might not think as deeply about the stupid as Noah, but it’s obviously not a game I’d like.
        Right from the beginning it doesn’t even look like a Final Fantasy game…that had me skeptical off the bat. Yeah, Spoony complains a lot and is regarded as being generally negative about the things he talks about, but he’s giving a review and a review is him telling his experience of the game. Of course people are going to think similarly. If you like the game fine, but don’t be shocked if someone thinks otherwise and their opinion is formed in a way different to how you formed yours.

    • Daniel Tilson

      I like to form my own opinions on things. And I probably will play 13 eventually, if I can find a really cheap copy. But holy shit, the term linear gameplay took on a whole new meaning with this one.

      • Grace Soriano

        I was done after 8 honestly. My copy of 9 kept locking up and I thought 10 was made for girls the way that game was. I actually sort of liked 12 but not for Vaan. This one had me on so many things. The music is awful and not Nobuo Uematsu. The character designs are so generic and uninteresting. I have never heard anyone I know talk anything but ill of the game.

  • i_like_soup

    Nice intro, funny review, horrible, horrible game! Horrible.
    Usually it seems like Spoony’s exaggerating, you know for laughs. But this one looks truly horrible.
    Can anyone give any redeemable features for the storytelling, anything ‘lost in reviewing?’ I have trouble believing it’s quite as bad as that…

    • SeanMcTiernan

      Nope, it’s really that bad. The entire plot boils down to WarGames quote, “The only way to win, is not to play”. If they just agreed that Cocoon was worth sacrificing themselves for, and stopped moving, they save it.

      I always hate these stories where the whole damn journey is superfluous, where if the heroes just did nothing, then everything would’ve worked out fine. The Fal’Cie would have lost entirely, and had to start their plan from scratch again just to try and pull it off, save that the heroes may have had enough time to get word out to humanity what the plan of the Fal’Cie actually is, and kill even THAT chance.

      • Jonesy89CFPD

        To be fair, Spec Ops: The Line was a game where the entire point was that the standard MMS is a deranged power fantasy that can only be “won” by not playing, so the ultimate realization that you were the villain made sense and was heart-wrenching. In this context, though, it doesn’t look like there is any comparable message present.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Well, well, don’t mind if I do. I already gave my thoughts to someone early on so I’ll copy and paste my last thought…

      The Paradigm Shift requires the
      player to plan out what combinations of classes for the characters to
      use for different situations. It’s really good for times with preparing
      to fight an enemy, fighting the enemy and healing your character when
      the battle is not for your favour.

      When you put aside that awful Auto-Battle option, it’s actually
      pretty fun and sometimes intense to chain 2-5 attacks as oppose to just 1
      attack.

      While the story’s badly told and the story itself isn’t perfect, it
      does a pretty well job on exploring the themes of fearing what you don’t
      know (the l’Cie not knowing what to as death draws near and Cocoon’s
      fear of anything from Pulse as Ragnarok already destroyed a good chunk
      of Cocoon before), some common ground between opposite sides leading to
      cultural understanding as well as acceptance (Lightning and Fang come
      from opposite worlds but both have their only family left to protect
      being Serah and Vanille respectively as well both Lightning and Snow
      wanting to protect Serah despite hating each other), trying to be the
      voice of reason among children and psychopaths (Sazh), filling the void
      of losing someone with someone else with a similar case (Lightning lost
      her sister and sees Hope like a younger sibling while Hope his mother
      and sees Lightning almost like a parent) and finally the idea of having
      to serve a higher but struggling to resist (the reason behind the
      conflict between the l’Cie and fal’Cie). The last theme can also be
      found in Berserk.

      Lightning is a deeply flawed manchild who was selfish and weak-willed
      so she’s not as perfect as she lets on when fighting but learned to get
      her shit together when dealing with to protect Hope and even swallowing
      her own pride when Snow tries to do the right thing (even though he is a
      douche). Lightning is also the most visually striking character and
      fits best in the world she lives in, which is Cocoon. Her gunblade is
      awesome as well because it transforms between a gun and a blade. We
      never actually had a serious main character (or poster child if you
      will), who doesn’t take crap from anyone, for an FF since Squall as
      there was a ten year gap between VIII and XIII while most characters
      between were all blonde happy androgynous males (Zidane, Tidus and
      Vaan).

      Lightning didn’t really suck until XIII-2 and Lightning. In those
      games, she’s a mary sue with godly powers and shows no more amount of
      emotions as William Hurt.

      Despite his goofy exterior, Sazh is the voice of reason and keeps a
      level head when others are bickering. He’s not as mean as Lightning, his
      design, while a bit silly, stands out from the typical JRPG cast and
      never acts like any kind of black stereotype (Remember how Barret acts
      like Mr. T?) and his friendly personality makes his sad moment more
      legit as he never really mopes around like the others. Plus Sazh’s guns
      can transform into a rifle.

      Fang’s also a good character. Her design definitely shows that she’s
      from somewhere not seen in the likes of Cocoon since she’s an amazon.
      Fang (along with Vanille) plays the most significant role in XIII,
      more-so than the rest because she is one-half of Ragnarok.

      Hope is alright but he’s just a kid even though his choice of weapon
      being boomerang is really stupid. What do people expect him to when shit
      goes down? Act like John Rambo? He best serves as a reason for
      Lightning to be nice.

      Vanille? Her design, weapon, voice and personality all suck and her
      preaching of miracles is cringe-worthy but she played the most
      significant role with Fang.

      Snow is the worst character (until Serah, Mog and Chocolina in XIII-2
      and Lightning in LR). Although Snow’s intentions were good, he was a
      complete douchebag like if he was a young Zapp Brannigan. Snow would’ve
      been better off in a more light-hearted JRPG story but here, feels out
      of place. Ironically Snow came off as the much better character in
      Lightning Returns as he puts on a more snazzy outfit and drops the
      douchiness.

      I wanted Lightning to gut Snow in XIII but now I want Snow to impale LINO (Lightning In Name Only) with his cool ice axe.

      Jihl could’ve had a much bigger role but the trailers lied to all of
      us. Cid? He’s… young? Yaag kinda reminds me of Erol from Jak II:
      Renegade. How can no one think that Dysley was obviously evil is beyond
      me.

      One more thing I liked about XIII was the visual aesthetics. Pretty
      graphics aside, I dig the whole sci-fi premise but it could’ve been put
      into much better context and we should’ve been allowed to explore Cocoon
      as we pleased, Pulse is nice too but I like Cocoon a lot better. I even
      like the unique designs of all the fal’Cie although I imagine they have
      some crystal heart inside them but their shells are unique from one
      another.

      The music’s pretty cool although it feels incomplete without the
      familiars theme tunes. What was Kitase smoking? Blinded by Light is
      probably the best battle theme I’ve ever heard in an FF (One Winged
      Angel from VII being the best final boss music).

      XIII’s ending however was beyond stupid and raised so many questions
      but left them unanswered along with the amount of unanswered questions
      already piled up. The characters were out of character because the
      people of Cocoon should be panicking so Snow shouldn’t go asking to
      marry Serah and Lightning shouldn’t have approved they would have a lot
      of explaining to do. The song by Leona Lewis is just the worst because
      she’s from X-Factor. Putting X-Factor in Final Fantasy is like putting
      Kim Kardashian into Lord of the RIngs.

      The story logs should’ve been made into actual cutscenes with
      exposition, THEN the story logs can be put in after. The crystarium
      system was pointless and developers could’ve said themselves time by
      just having a traditional leveling up system.

      And that’s my thoughts on Final Fantasy XIII. It’s shit but it’s not gold at the same time and wouldn’t even be in my top 20.

      Let’s hope that IF Square-Enix decides to celebrate XIII’s 10th
      anniversary, hopefully developers will look back and say “Wow! I never
      realised how much of a mess XIII is.” and maybe have a 16-bit demake
      with the overall story and script rewritten for the better. I said IF, I
      never said they should bring back XIII.

      I’m not gonna say much about XIII-2 other than it was a major
      disappointment for me and I think Lightning Returns will be worse than
      DmC. I’m finally at the point at moving on from XIII and look forward to
      XV.

      I hope Noah will just ignore the sequels and make more fun reviews. I wanna see him tackle a Steven Seagal movie.

  • TerminalSanity

    Gah what is so F-ing hard about making a decent conflict to drive a game’s narrative? Ambition, scarce resources, misunderstanding, perceived injustice, fear all things that drive conflict in the real world so much that anyone can understand them. But no let’s go with an existential desire see to the creator (Well not really seeing as no one be alive to see the creator)and not actually explain that desire in any meaningful fashion worse still let’s implement the most needlessly complicated and damn near counter intuitive way to go about realizing that desire by making it contingent of people who literally have every reason not to along with it again with no, no explanation of why. This game is based around a narrative black hole: the story implodes on itself like a dying star. If your protagonists can prevail by literally doing nothing then your story has failed. The only that keeps the the story going in FF XIII is literally the inexplicable mutual idiocy of the heroes and villains.

    I mean come Kefka was not a nuanced villain with well reasoned motivations but you could at least see why: he was sadistic SOB that was in a situation that only degenerated what little humanity he had to begin with. His actions may not have been rational but at you knew they weren’t rational. With the Fal’Cie you get zero insight into why they’re doing what they are doing even if you presume that their existences are so wretched they just as soon end them just for the possibility of seeing creator again for what can only assumed to be some kind of redress there no explanation of why they are doing it the in the almost sure to fail fashion they chose.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      They’re not idiots. The fal’Cie DO know what they want and they know how to do it. You never consider that?

      The main characters are possibly mentally damaged by their fates and are subconsciously walking a thin line with neither ending well for them. It’s like how there was bad weather and ones on TV called it code-orange but I needed to go for a tour to the Royal Ulster mueseum because I might learn something. I was getting ready to go but I worried of the weather. I went and I have no regrets.

      • SeanMcTiernan

        But we are never *shown* that they aren’t idiots. We see no evidence of mental damage on the part of the characters from their fates, just the damage they already walked in with. The Fal’Cie specifically *don’t* know, this is just an assumption they reached among themselves, and they’re willing to commit genocide/suicide in order to prove it one way or the other.

        I think the problem a lot of people have with the story, is it is just too dependent on the audience just going along with it all, and not thinking on it. That’s fine for some people, but most people are going to naturally have questions that need answering, and that doesn’t happen here.

      • TerminalSanity

        Sorry but the Fal’Cie are pretty stupid even if you accept their goal justifiable and that they must use L’Cie to achieve it they really do a piss poor job of manipulating the L’Cie into doing what they want. The explanation for their motivations and designs is terribly established, its not the sort of thing that should divulged in supplementary materials seeing as its what drives the story.

      • Daniel Tilson

        Darth Reynolds over there is definitely an idiot.

        How is this supposed to get people to do what you want?

        “Muahahaha Yes, go kill him and it will blow up the world with you on it!” Even if they were completely irredeemably evil (Which, SE has never been willing to let us be, even the Dark knight you play in 4 isn’t a completely evil bastard) they wouldn’t want to do this because it would kill them too.

        The smart thing, would be to sit them down, ask about their focus visions and “Interpret” them for the party, and in doing so, reveal that Orphan plans to destroy the world, and must be killed.

        Both statements are true, and, unless blowing up Orphan isn’t enough to end the world, it would actually work.

  • strifesong

    Well I guess this video reveals who the bottom is in the Reynolds/Girard relationship.

  • Derek Thomas

    Well. I was wrong. Spoony hasn’t lost his edge after all. :D I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE HAPPY TO BE WRONG!!

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Last year, I was on the edge of insanity when Spoony started reviewing FFXIII last year. There was already so much hate for the game, that negative reviews were the most popular opinions while they (people who hate the game) shrugged off positive reviews as if they didn’t exist or claimed that Square-Enix bribed reviewers without any real evidence. Either way, I was alone.

      A lot of people here told me to calm down and say for me keep my own opinion and that I should let Spoony dictate my own opinion.

      I’m probably the only one here who likes the game and truly hates Spoony’s review. I even called him an ignorant bastard and fucking stupid.

      • Daniel Tilson

        There are many who liked the game, and many who hated it. You are the one who liked it and got offended that he didn’t

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          That’s not it. It’s the fact that everyone hates this game and I feel alone in all this and Spoony is leading this hatred with full throttle. Once his review is finished, Spoony’s fans will likely corner XIII fans are humiliate them just for fun, maybe even go as far as attacking the the voice actors by trolling them on twitter and trolling people who make XIII fanart on deviantART and XIII fanfics in fanfiction.net.

          XIII haters. XIII haters everywhere.

          What’s even worse is that XIII-2 and Lightning Returns are legitimately shit and forget that what XIII is about. How is Lightning being some savior connected to destroy Cocoon and bringing back the maker. What does time traveling have to do with l’Cie?

          • SeanMcTiernan

            You, um, realize you’re being horribly aggressive about this, and really rather insulting to us? None of us have insulted you, but you’re attacking US on the assumption that we will, which eventually, someone is going to start biting back.

            Here, try this exercise: Start a new thread on here, and talk about what it is you enjoy about the game and characters. Don’t call anyone out, just talk about the game in a positive manner.

          • Raphaël Boivin

            Actually, that’s exactly what it looks like. I get that people might not like his review because they like the game in question, but you’re not doing a very good job at defending it because:

            1) You resorted to directly attacking Spoony, saying he’s lazy because he didn’t talk this or that and

            2) Spoony explicitly said that the FF reviews were done nowadays mostly just to troll people and pissing them off, which seems to have brilliantly in your case.

            Also, I know I shouldn’t, but I kinda laughed when you rambled on about how Spoony would the FF XIII haters to rag on the voice actors and the fanart and fanfiction. It made you look… a little paranoid, to be honest.

            Look, I’ve never played the game myself, so I can’t say for sure whether you’re right or whether Spoony is in all his Reynolds-fueled rage. Personally speaking, I just watch the video because I think he’s funny and I like seeing him nitpick the hell out of games. There’s always gonna be someone to hate on anything, even for the most ridiculous of reasons; heck some people in the darkest corners of a certain hatedom *will* do such things because they can, but you can’t just think that EVERYONE will do this because Spoony told them to do so. You can’t simply bring yourself down to their level and insult them personally because they said something about the game you didn’t like. Show them you’re bringing some reasonable arguments, start a conversation/debate, let other people join you.

            Basically, what I’m trying to say is you actually did have some decent arguments in your previous comments, but saying that Spoony didn’t know jack shit about what he was saying or that he was lazy in talking about the game doesn’t help your case.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            You know what? You’re right. I’m a paranoid person.

            I’ve a few articles that defend XIII and find good aspects about them but they’re nowhere near as popular as the negative stuff. Unless Gametrailers makes a video to justify why they like Final Fantasy XIII (8.3/10) or if XIII fans find their own Spoony to be as psychotic as this one but speak for the game, I don’t know how we can start a revolution to gain support for the XIII outside mainstream media.

          • RobMcCune

            I’ve a few articles that defend XIII and find good aspects about them but they’re nowhere near as popular as the negative stuff.

            Watch out, negative reviews mean they’re out to get you!

            I don’t know how we can start a revolution to gain support for the XIII outside mainstream media.

            Sure, a score 83 on Metacritic with 73 positive reviews is a testament to the main stream media’s hatred for FFXIII. But who cares the revolution will overthrow majority of the people who played the game.

            or if XIII fans find their own Spoony to be as psychotic as this one but speak for the game

            I’m sure that’s it, Spoony made this review which he hasn’t finished yet 3-4 years after release then went back in time to poison people against the game.

            Right, that makes sense,

          • L1nk1

            “Spoony’s fans will likely” will give a shit if you like XIII. There is really nothing wrong being a fan and have soft spot for any game in the the franchise.

            But you come here to judge us?

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Why do you care? I’m just one person! Almost everyone hates the game. You’re in the vocal majority. You guys are practically in the winning team.

          • L1nk1

            Can you hear what the winning team says?

            What’s the matter? Don’t you want to be inside me?

          • RobMcCune

            Once his review is finished, Spoony’s fans will likely corner XIII fans are humiliate them just for fun, maybe even go as far as attacking the the voice actors

            How did you get in on the plans for Spoonynacht?

      • Jonesy89CFPD

        Yes, you did call him those things. Exactly why we are supposed to sympathize with you after that is beyond me.

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          Because I’m almost as big of a psychotic mess as Spoony.

      • RobMcCune

        Last year, I was on the edge of insanity when Spoony started reviewing FFXIII last year.

        Well I am glad to see you’re not bitter or obsessive about this in the slightest.

      • Lina Jones

        I liked the game. Had it’s problems, but I liked the character development in the early middle part, and I actually had fun with the Paradigm System for a while.

        Then, well, the game’s shitty “main story” kicked into full gear and the combat started getting dull when it took forty minutes to beat a boss purely through attrition. Oh, well.

  • Daniel Tilson

    I have the weirdest boner right now.

  • Doctor_Who

    Okay, the end to this had me howling. I actually had to pause the video and try to figure out who the voice was myself before he looked it up. Never saw it coming.

  • Godmars

    Bit surprised you didn’t mention Fang’s and Vanille’s village. That instead of giving the characters a place they could find some solace with people who could give a crap about them being cursed, it was made into the lamest dungeon imaginable with asinine fetch quests because of course Square didn’t know enough at the time to make a village.

    Or the explanation of why they have summons, but not where they come from. How they’re different from fal’Cie or l’cie.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Why Spoony didn’t talk about the characters themselves and why they do what they do is beyond me. Spoony is a complete hypocrite. He calls XIII impossible to understand but he himself is impossible understand.

      • Godmars

        He’s already talked about the characters and their lack of character, overall motivation and the improbability of their abilities. How nothing really adds up or makes sense.

        Hell, I put over 50 hours into that PoS before giving up on it. Surprisingly it took the village and the second(?) boss fight with the old guy to give up on it.

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          No, he didn’t! He didn’t explain fuck all!! Maybe Spoony is just lazy. Never thought of that? If I was reviewing the game, I would time and effort into explaining what the characters doing, why they’re doing it and what I personally think of all that. Not too hard to say that, wasn’t it!

          • Daniel Tilson

            If the game doesn’t explain any of that during the game, and instead expects you to read the datalogs for everything INCLUDING MAJOR PLOT POINTS! then why should Spoony go into it?

            The fact that the tiny Chocobo’s name can destroy the world? Silly, mostly pointless, but a potential plot point!

            Have Orphan be deciphering the chocobo’s name, and reveal its plans to use the name to destroy the world! (Or at least start a rumor about it.) Then all of a sudden you have, not only a deadline, but a “damned if we do, damned if we don’t” scenario that would create much drama to fill the hallway.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Perhaps maybe the game was trying put more emphasis on how the characters struggle with their new-founded cursed fates while everyone in Cocoon is trying to kill them. That’s some heavy shit if you ask me. Sorta like Berserk.

            Dysley and Cid already explained a good load of shit what’s happening and I hardly read the datalog to get the plot. Why is it so easy for me to understand?

            The chocobo’s name ISN’T important and anyone who thinks that needs to take a deep breath and realise that developers maybe wanted to humor the player. Who would stupid enough to think the chocobo’s name has some significant plot point?

            I’m more interested in Lightning’s relationship with other characters like Hope (surrogate sibling), Fang (cultural understanding), Sazh (maturity and respect) and Snow (reflection and hypocrisy).

          • Daniel Tilson

            They’re the ones who state in the datalog that the chocobo’s name would destroy the world. Why are we NOT supposed to believe that it should be a plot point?

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            It was NOT a statement? Why can’t you get that it was a joke?

          • Daniel Tilson

            The datalogs are filled with facts about the game world. Why is this the only joke in them?

            Maybe they WANTED you to think it’s a joke, only to unveil it as the master plan of Whoeverthefuckstopheles in the final chapter of the game’s story “Final fantasy 13-4: Revenge of the Chocobo”

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Alright, how about to go to Motomu Toriyama himself and ask him this yourself if you’re that desperate.

          • Daniel Tilson

            You’re the one assuming that it was a joke, even though every other datalog I’ve seen is purely factual data about the game world, or written in italics to denote that it is a quote from someone, or some thing else in the world (such as religious text.)

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            The chocobo was named Chocolina in XIII-2. Did the world fall into chaos as a result? No. The world feel into chaos when the goddess Etro died upon her heart (within Caius) being stabbed by Noel.

          • Daniel Tilson

            And yet, according to you, XIII-2 never happened.

            ^_^

            Game, set, match friend. Good game.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Yeah, I kinda trapped myself in a corner on that one but while XIII-2 technically DID happened, the story and characters were so bad, I didn’t wanna believe it was connected to XIII.

          • Daniel Tilson

            I wish I could say that I planned that… But I haven’t played any of the XIII games, yet.

            I plan to, because it’s final fantasy, but it’s so linear…. the hallway… and the grinding points so obvious even the characters notice…. >.<

            I'll wait until I can find it for less than $10.

          • RobMcCune

            Ian McDiarmid could be the voice of the bird in Sazh’s fro.

            “Everything that has traspired has done so according to my design…”

          • Daniel Tilson

            Yes! This is a perfect plan!

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            I fucking hate you.

          • ctge33

            The chocobo’s name wouldn’t destroy the world, but there is a lot more to that little chocobo chick than meets the eye and I’m 99% sure that’s what they were referring to. Half-joke, but a legit hint at the chocobo’s secret potential :|

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Would we all be better off if Final Fantasy never existed to being with?

          • ctge33

            Some of us, maybe.

          • Zork

            Dude, you like a shitty Final Fantasy game and you’re seeking validation. Just get over it. It’s no big deal if you do like it and generally people don’t. If you want to talk to some people who do like the game, go to Gamefaqs or something, there’s plenty of people that do, believe it or not.

            Just don’t try to act like it’s good or anything or misunderstood. It isn’t, you’re just being pretentious about something that truly doesn’t deserve it.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            More people in Gamefaqs hate the game. You’re not given me a lot of options.

          • Sam Pagano

            The game is fucking fifty to seventy hours long and barely goes into this crucial detail. Their struggle with their new found curses has no resonance because we don’t know about these characters beyond the bare bones. If they wanted us to empathise with them we need to know about them. And they need to make it interesting.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Then how come I know about these characters and why I do care about them? And don’t say “Oh you only like them because they look pretty.”

          • Sam Pagano

            Because you look at it differently than we do? This is all subjective and you’re not wrong. It’s a matter of opinion and I just think they didn’t go into nearly enough detail on this.

          • Godmars

            And if you do take the time to explain what and why the characters do what they do, shortcomings such as Lightning being little more than a tough girl with a chip on her shoulder, Snow the tough guy without a clue, Hope apparently having a weapon all the time yet pulling it out ass much later, will be pointed out to you.

            You’re not doing yourself any favors by sticking around sites and articles like this one, and you’re especially not coming off well with insults.

          • Sam Pagano

            Except really, the explanations for what they’re doing, why, and how, are incredibly bare bones. For some perspective, Dragon Age II, a game which is FAR from perfect gives a much better job establishing in plot what everyone is fighting for and why it matters to them. And Dragon Age II barely has a cohesive overarching storyline!

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Except DAII looks bland and thus doesn’t give a reason to care.

          • SUPERSOUP

            I hope you’re trolling. Sincerely. Although a general tip is that the best trolls are funny.

          • TerminalSanity

            Wow 0_0. You pretty much declared you prefer style over substance.I hope you were joking.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            No I didn’t. Final Fantasy XIII caught my eye because it looked unique from other games, which is why I wanted to know more about the game.

          • Sam Pagano

            And Dragon Age II looks unique, I mean the art style is very different from most other dark RPGs, it has a lot of color in the game world and a very stylized character design which breaks from the mold set by The Witcher and Dragon Age Origins of “realistic” colors and graphics. It’s a stylistic choice will debate up and down but you really can’t accuse it of looking like everything else. I mean for some perspective it has some of the most eye catching expository cutscenes I’ve ever seen and that odd medieval storybook style is actually really amazing to look at.

          • Sam Pagano

            You know I really don’t know what you’re saying here. I mean I will agree that the game has some flaws when it comes to it’s looks (damn whoever made the decision to keep reusing all the same locations across Kirkwall over and over again, it makes everything feel like it’s taking place in a tiny hamlet rather than a major metropolis) but thats hardly a complaint against the game itself. Which is if nothing else not bland in the way the story is told.

      • RobMcCune

        …but he himself is impossible understand.

        Truly, The Spoony One’s purposes are beyond our comprehension. Rejoice, that he imparts such wisdom beyond the minds of mortal men!

  • KoeL

    i’ve been expecting him to realize this imdb from the very first second of he started laughing at the falcies in Part 1 ,,,hahahahaha yes..the patience paid off xD

  • SeanMcTiernan

    See, this is where I preferred the plot for Final Fantasy IV. The entire game revolves around corruption and redemption. Golbez has fallen to darkness within himself, and is ushering in an age of darkness for Zeromus, who is working to be released from his eternal prison. Golbez, under the sway of Zeromus, corrupts others, bringing to bear the elemental fiends, Kain, and even somewhat corrupting Cecil.

    Every step he takes is in an immediately comprehensible direction, and Zeromus isn’t looking to destroy the earth or anything, just be supreme being over it, which would be bad, given his proclivities for destroying and corrupting so much of the world.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      Isn’t that the same game where one of the characters makes a pointless sacrifice and only to appear again with other supposedly dead characters, all alive, without any explanation? Who am I kidding, I like FFIV.

      Although from what I read, it’s sequel, The After Years, is absolute shit, worse than XIII because XIII was it’s own thing and TAY was basically a bad FFIV fanfic revolving around THE SON of Cecil and Rosa.

      • SeanMcTiernan

        lol, Well actually, Cid was off-camera, which in games and movies means you should pretty well assume that they aren’t actually dead. With Palom & Porom, they turned themselves to stone by magic, which got reversed by the Head Wizard Guy, and finally, Tellah died and stayed dead.

        • Stephen Mc Devitt

          Why does The After Years… exist!?

          • Daniel Tilson

            For the same reason as Ultima 9.

            They thought it would make money.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            How that game got a 3D remake and not VI is beyond me.

          • Lina Jones

            FFVI is too pristine to fuck up with a remake.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Then explain the ugly iOS remake.

          • Lina Jones

            Hallucinations! Nothing more!

            Honestly, though, if they just gave FFVI the same treatment as IV that wouldn’t be too bad, really. Although, better 3D graphics would be nice, instead of the nightmarish, PSOne level polygons.

  • Malidictus

    You know… Taking a break from Final Fantasy XIII seems to have paid off. We’ve cured perpetually-angry Spoony of his perpetually-angryness so now we have mostly-happy Spoony whose rage isn’t depressing but rather happy-angry! :)

    Seriously, great review, awesome ideas, excellent delivery. I laughed my ass off. I kept checking the time on the video because I didn’t want it to end! :)

    • Fueldrop

      I have to agree, no-one should have to be depressed by their work. Even if their work is getting angry, happy angry is better than depressed angry.

  • Steven Youkhana

    Isn’t youtube going to remove this video probably due to copyright laws and crap like that? Because they’ve been doing that a lot lately.

    • SeanMcTiernan

      Nope, he isn’t playing any of the background music, if you notice, and only uses the most basic dialogue bits, most of which he talks during, so he should be okay.

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    Uhmm… I already kinda guessed the fal’Cie were looking gain The Maker’s attention with such a large sacrifice when I played the game.

    Wait what? This is the first time I hear the fal’Cie influenced by human speculation about their creator. I thought the fal’Cie already knew their maker but humanity didn’t and the fal’Cie got so bored of having to look after humans, that they would demand for their maker to give the fal’Cie as much freedom a human being after the sacrifice would be done.

    AAAAAAGHH! Stop that playing that fucking shitty Leona Lewis song! Do you realise how awful she is? She’s from fucking X-Factor! The same piece of shit that spawned the twin sons of Satan known as fucking Jedward. I rather play Final Fantasy XIII again that listen to assholes from X-Factor! I rather play Sonic ’06 than listen to shitheads from X-Factor!

    Wait! You missed how Fang flipped her shit! And you didn’t talk about how Gran Pulse ISN’T a corridor… for the most part.

    When you called Final Fantasy XIII for the worst written game in your life, I flipped you the bird. I flipped you TWO birds. But when mock Dysley how he would transform into a teenage girl to fool the blonde douchebag, I laughed. I also realising that Dysley is this “You’re in my way, sir.” guy from SWAT 4.

    Why should the Main Six destroy Cocoon? It’s their home… except for Vanille and Fang. By the way, that Main Six I called the main characters IS a reference to the Mane Six because Friendship is Magic is good because fuck you! Wow! It’s hard to imagine that XIII-2 and Lightning Returns are both connected to this game because the whole fal’Cie/Cocoon is never mentioned again in the sequels. A good reason why I hate the sequels.

    I’m just SO surprised how Spoony hardly talks about the main characters and their relations with one another outside that they hate each other. Man, so character development happened and Spoony ONCE AGAIN, ignores the fact they have character… and I say this with pride.

    This review is incomprehensible. I thought Spoony would hate on Vanille for being perky and having an annoying voice. How about Fang probably being gay?

    At least Spoony didn’t attack XIII fans yet?

    Nice new intro by the way. I can’t see Spoony fighting Lightning because he gives no reason why he hates her. He actually gives no real thought about the character outside punching Snow and treating one of her sarcastic remarks as if she really wanted to destroy her own homeworld. At this point, Spoony should just fight Dysley because he’s an idiot.

    • SeanMcTiernan

      Actually, he did address the widening of Gran Pulse in the earlier section of the review, when he talked about the 40 hour corridor. Yeah, the corridor widens, but you can’t really go anywhere, because while Gran Pulse is more open, it’s a small sandbox before the corridors start back up, and it’s purposely intended for you to use it grind, so it doesn’t actually expand the world at all.

      I hate to sound mean here, but the character’s relation to one another *doesn’t* actually matter. None of it actually goes anywhere in the game, because they’re too busy setting up the next corridor to slow down and work on the characters. Their “character” is really only superficial, with no real depth, and the game really makes you not give a shit. This is reflected in Spoony’s review pretty well.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        But I like Lightning, Sazh and Fang! They’re great characters! I give loads of shit about them.

        How about you explain to me why I like them without mention looks, voices, design, personalities, powers and motivations WITHOUT speculating that I’m some “blind fanboy”?

        The characters in this game are the driving force of the story. Without them, there is no story, there is no game, there is nothing.

        • Godmars

          “How about you explain to me why I like them without mention looks,
          voices, design, personalities, powers and motivations WITHOUT
          speculating that I’m some “blind fanboy”?”

          Dude, you have to explain how you like them minus all with what you listed. Because those are the very reasons to like any character in an RPG.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Lightning is a cool, if not a deeply flawed person who would be selfish and surprisingly weak-willed, indicating that she’s not as perfect as she lets on when fighting but learned to get her shit together when dealing with to protect Hope and even swallowing
            her own pride when Snow tries to do the right thing (even though he is a douche). Lightning is also the most visually striking character and fits best in the world she lives in, which is Cocoon. Her gunblade is awesome as well because it transforms between a gun and a blade. We never actually had a serious main character (or poster child if you will), who doesn’t take crap from anyone, for an FF since Squall as there was a ten year gap between VIII and XIII while most characters between were all blonde happy androgynous males (Zidane, Tidus and Vaan).

            Lightning didn’t really suck until XIII-2 and Lightning. In those games, she’s a mary sue with godly powers and shows no more amount of emotions as William Hurt.

            Despite his goofy exterior, Sazh is the voice of reason and keeps a
            level head when others are bickering. He’s not as mean as Lightning, his design, while a bit silly, stands out from the typical JRPG cast and never acts like any kind of black stereotype (Remember how Barret acts like Mr. T?) and his friendly personality makes his sad moment more legit as he never really mopes around like the others. Plus Sazh’s guns can transform into a rifle.

            Fang’s also a good character. Her design definitely shows that she’s
            from somewhere not seen in the likes of Cocoon since she’s an amazon. Fang (along with Vanille) plays the most significant role in XIII, more-so than the rest because she is one-half of Ragnarok. While she comes from the world opposite to Lightning’s, the two are not different as they both someone to protect (Vanille and Serah respectively).

          • Godmars

            As you said, explain them *without* mention of looks, personality or abilities. So you failed to explain why you liked them – within your own context.

            And to me Lightning is an easily agitated junior officer of Cocoon’s regular local police forces, several grades below the army or special forces, who somehow has access to at least two pieces of elite military hardware, one of which easily breaks down easily and never is referenced again.

            She, like everyone else, blunders blindly onward doing exactly what’s expected of them even when told that they’re being exploited. They make no real attempt to get out of “the hallway” and only win because of unexplained reasons which are then rewritten to make excuses for the sequels.

            All in all FF13’s story is as bad as the ME series, but at least that series had decent game mechanics.

          • Daniel Tilson

            When you’re stuck in a hallway, you can either go forward, or back.

            If they lock the doors behind you, you can only move forward.

          • Godmars

            And that falls on Square which has always been my one real concern with the FF13, which everyone should have just gotten past. Which maybe, much like the first version of FF14, Square should have apologized for instead of making direct sequels and admitting nothing.

            But because they were too prideful, too over their heads producing an HD game, we got the fucking hallway.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Mass Effect 2 has Miranda because EA wants to pop young male boners. I wish Miranda was a realistic scientist with scientists clothes and portrayed by Wendee Lee, a better voice actor than that ugly bitch from Chuck.

        • SeanMcTiernan

          The story is the problem, because it can all be solved up by them not being there. Their characters don’t *matter* to the story, any of them. No matter what traits are there that you might like, they just don’t matter at all.

          The driving force of the game is the Fal’Cie, and the character we play are just their puppets throughout the story. Almost the entire party could be switched out with nothing changing in the overall narrative. Most of the character interactions go absolutely nowhere, and I’m not going to call you a blind fanboy. You like what you like.

          My problems are thus:

          Lightning: Generic tough soldier chick. There is no real backstory to why she is this way, she just is who is and always has been. We are never given what she was like before her parents died, or any way that this effected her. Her parents dying is a footnote in a codex entry. With a better story, she could’ve been so much more interesting, which is just a waste.

          Sazh: Almost useless on a regular basis, he is near on constantly in a state of mild panic, but then suddenly, in every fight, is right there with none of that emotional content. Even when we learn about his tragic past, it doesn’t propel him to any greater level of heroism, it’s just more loss. Even after his moment of crisis, he doesn’t improve, he just continues on.

          Snow; Snow is a MORON who gets people killed, period. He’s not a leader, he’s not even much of a hero.

          Hope: Ugh, his whole plot revolves around Snow, and goes nowhere. Other than that, he’s just annoying and whiny.

          Fang: One of only two characters that are necessary to the plot of the game. She’s serviceable, but the story really does her no justice, so good character wasted on bad story.

          Vanille: Yeah, she’s perky, but again, one of only two characters necessary to the plot. She can be annoying at times, but has Fang to sort of balance that aspect out. Again, good character wasted on a bad story.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Then Square-Enix should rewrite Final Fantasy XIII all over again just like they how fixed XIV with A Realm Reborn or I’ll do it myself without their consent.

            Story: Rewrite the story for the fal’Cie to still be important but they don’t run the show, corporations do. Religious commentary is played to portray religious organisations as sympathetic as the preachers feel irrelevant in their homeworld as most people think they don’t need faith, much like today’s society. The conflict between Cocoon and Pulse can be left intact and explained from the start via in-game tv like the infobots in Ratchet & Clank. So now we have a good way to implement exposition via cutscenes.

            Claire (Lightning): It’s obvious that’s she not really that relevant as a protagonist so why not her into antagonist? Opposite against Fang in terms of race, beliefs and alignments but both aren’t really that different. Perhaps Claire’s father was a part of NORA and he got himself and his wife killed in a riot against the police. Lightning’s grandfather is a military personal (voiced by Lance Henriksen because why not) who enrolls her into a military academy. Lightning ends up with a squadron but most of them die, except for her, at the hands of NORA, and gain cybernetic enhancements like Robocop. Perhaps Claire is distant from her sister because of Claire being insecure with her isolation and sexuality and wishes not to destroy her relationship with her sister. Wow! That’s a lot to make Lightning well-rounded.

            Sazh: A former PSICOM military airship pilot who got sick of killing people and goes AWOL and tries to lead an ordinary and raises a family but his wife cheated on him and he becomes a package delivery man. Sazh would have a lot of military insight for NORA (if not some slightly outdated info) and would keep a level head while sees the younger characters as children. A fan of jazz but no frocobo.

            Snow: A surprisingly intellectual man and leader of NORA (once a terrorist organisation but modern version seen as a hooligan club). Snow believes that the Sanctum is the root of all that is wrong with Cocoon and wishes to overthrow with the help of Fang and Vanille. He would do whatever it takes to defeat the Sanctum, even throwing away honour and sacrifice others for his goals. The man stole top secret military weapons such a drug with nanomachines to make his skin withstand bullets and strength to destroy small machines.

            Hope: Acts like Claire’s intel.

            Fang: The main protagonist, one half of Ragnarok, blood thirsty amazon and Vanille’s lover. Wakes up in Cocoon with amnesia, learns of the world she lives in and joins NORA’s cause as her view on Cocoon vs Pulse might have a shade of grey in a war of black and white.

            Vanille: Pulsian priestess, other half of Ragnarok and Fang’s lover. Still a bit upbeat but never really annoying.

            Dysley: Still the primarch of the Sanctum but not a fal’Cie but more like Bob Page from Deus Ex.

            Better?

          • tython

            Here is one of the bigger problems with the series is that Square released an Episode Zero novel that I think you got if you pre order from Best Buy, it has alot of the character back story that wasn’t mentioned such as Serah being a history student in university and the reason she went to the Fal’cie is because she wanted to learn more about it. Lightning or rather Claire is also further fleshed out one the biggest forces is that since there Parents died which is explained in the Novel but I can’t remeber what it was from Lightning has pretty much sacrificed her life so to speak so that Serah could have a better life this is also why she got so pissed off with the whole marriage proposal to some extent. Really if it’s anyones fault it would be Squares in dividing up the story in so many ways then again this isn’t something new in Japan just look how many audio drama CDs they have that explain plot points from other games/anime they have all there in the manual mentality indeed,

        • DarkSaber2k

          Guezss that explains why the game is big pile of nothing and stupidity then.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            How does that even work?

  • PeaTearGryfin

    The only thing in the world more powerful than Spoony’s hatred of Final Fantasy XIII is his hatred for Reynolds.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      As in Burt Reynolds? owo

    • Fueldrop

      I don’t know, I think that Ultima 9 hit him harder. After all, it’s not like FF13 was a BETRAYAL! of his entire childhood and his introduction to RPGs in general. It is merely a pretty but railroading and awfully written game.

      • Daniel Tilson

        I agree.

        Ultima 9 was the one single player Ultima game I could never play (due to crashing and glitching) And honestly? After seeing what horrible things they did to it, I’m almost happy about that.

  • Omnicrom

    Are we done with FF reviews now? No? 13-2? Well crap. Seeya in 2015 I guess.

  • Durakken

    Let’s see if I can help you make sense of what is happening since you seem to have gotten it wrong… I disliked FFXIII as well, but figuring out what is actually happened made it better by some small amount…

    The history goes
    There is a god… and some sort of goddess I forget her place relative to the god.
    That goddess was killed and she went to the after world where she found chaos and held it at bay.
    The god found out that the goddess was still “alive” and so sought to enter the after life to kill her so he created the first generation of fal’cie…2 at first and then a 3rd. The second wasn’t given any powers and eventually found herself dead and in the afterlife…just as the goddess was being overwhelmed. This falcie was given the responsibility of holding chaos at bay, but this position in the universe also gave her the ability to see all of time…
    The other 2 fal’cie eventually created the 2nd generation of fal’cie and humans (from the blood of the fal’cie holding chaos at bay) The fal’cie had 2 jobs, maintain the world and search for the gateway to the afterlife…

    So the fal’cie actually were told to do this by their creators. So that they can get into the afterlife without actually dying. At some point the original god and the 2nd generation of Fal’cie disappeared. I assume that the fal’cie then changed their motives of finding the gateway to opening it, because they assume that their creators found their way there OR because it’s the only way to re-establish contact… kinda like a good dog following orders, they want the attention and praise.

    Further, the craziness of the l’cie and the visions and such are explained too… because the way it’s presented in the game and how the fal’cie and humans think it works isn’t actually quite how it works. The 3rd generation fal’cie “selects” the humans, but it is one one of the 2nd Generation fal’cie not in the afterlife that makes the marks and gives the power… and it is the 2nd gen fal’cie holding chaos back that gives the vision…
    So the one who doesn’t want the fal’cie to enter the afterlife is the one who is giving all the focuses and 1 of the 2 that know what’s going on but staying hidden is giving the powers… The 3rd gen fal’cie are just being played more or less in this narative…

    The second game’s time travel, time looping aspects also indicates and implies that this whole mythology is actually part of a self perpetuating story that causes itself to recreate itself… The name of the 2nd cocoon in FFXIII-2 is actually the name of the original god and Serah and Lightning both could be seen in the roles of the gods in the mythology… but whatever.

    Long post over!

    • Aschthebloody

      and while that makes no real sense, most of which is a retcon via XIII-2. not even to mention that its not even really explained in that game to any real length, making lightning returns the game where they would have to explain this all. i don’t think they will explain it in that one either.

      • Durakken

        The background is explained somewhere in XIII or it’s manual, or the official site…somewhere.
        XIII-2 is not a Retcon. A lot of this is alluded to in XIII, but it’s not explained or known to our characters…or even the fal’cie in some cases. For example, the 2nd gen fal’cie that makes you a l’cie is seen briefly during the sequence where the group become a l’cie, Also, quite a number of story elements only make sense when you realize that there are different goals than what is being stated in the game…like Fang and Vanille and Ragnarok… It is the intervention by the 1 fal’cie that caused that situation to occur to allow for the prevention of the fall of cocoon… This is only possible and reasonable when you understand that that character can see the entire span of time and her goal is to stop the opening of the gate.

        It’s also interesting to note that I do not ever remember hearing the fal’cie ever refer to a l’cie’s focus and it is possible that they don’t even know about them and simply believe that there is some sort of limit on the l’cie power or that the 1 fal’cie dude that grants the power also decides when they have lost their usefulness…

        I think the largest problem with FFXIII as a whole series is that it leaves too many unresolved mysteries open for the next game and so the first game seems like it’s plot is really bad, because they are avoiding answering certain questions that would reveal this whole time traveling epic… likewise the 2nd seems to have fallen into the same problem, even though it’s better, it still leaves the question of what’s up with the 2nd Cocoon and the 2nd Gen Fal’Cie, 2 of which we saw to be active up until the fall of Cocoon, and even somewhat after, but have disappeared or not explained their actions… If the entire thing was 1 game I think that it would have been much better, but it could be that they were forced down this road and so had to tear out the pieces from the original story and it just won’t feel right until we know all the parts and aspects of it.

        • Aschthebloody

          i just called it a retcon because that’s what it felt like to me, with nothing said with in-game dialog in 13. i did read all of the things in 13 but i didn’t really care at the time because the story portion of the game kind of didn’t care about it either. 13-2 was the half game really, all of the game was just the setup for Lightning Returns and not much else. kind of funny that 13-2 had a battle system that was at least sudo there with the monster taming thing going on. Lightning returns sounds interesting enough and am waiting for the reviews once it comes out, with the way they have been making this series of games i wouldn’t don’t that the fuck up in some fundamental way for the A-RPG thing that they seam to be going for.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Fuck Lightning Returns. If you hate Lightning in XIII, then you’re REALLY her in this fucking game. Lumina is a supposed human side of Lightning that a god removed so Lightning will have emotions and Lightning kills that god in response and she destroys the whole world. How this is related Final Fantasy XIII is beyond me. It’s a fucking betrayal.

  • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

    That ending…WWWHAAAT?! It’s like…some kind of divine sign that Spoony was meant to tear this godawful game apart, it’s just too *specific* to be coincidence! This game is so bad that even GOD wants it destroyed! And after the moronic clusterfuck of piss-poor writing we keep witnessing from this literary pile of detritus and destrucity, it’s only understandable that God himself would want to teach the makers of this game how it’s properly done. *There’s* your Deus Ex Machina, Square.

    Holy Hell, I need better writing in games now. Right now. I need to get back to playing Gabriel Knight and I Have No Mouth But I Must Scream, you know, games actually *made* by actual authors who know what the Hell they’re doing. In fact, I don’t even have to go that far; comparing the writing presented by this monstrosity of mangled Liefeld (dis)proportion excuse of a game to the works of legitimate writers is simply overkill. Even Borderlands 2 would be a step up in terms of literary achievement.

    Butt Stallions and Bonerfarts are literally less stupid than the shit we keep seeing from final fantasy. It actually hurts knowing how true that is.

    • StealthMarmot

      Handsome Jack would like to inform you that Butt Stallion is trademarked and you owe him royalties for your comment in the amount of… *rustles with some papers*…killing yourself. Huh. In the amount field he wrote “Killing yourself.” With a dollar sign in front of it.

      Bonerfart is also trademarked, but is also in a libel suit. Apparently Sir Hammerlock is in litigation with his publicist insisting that he was the one who came up with it. The only witnesses that can attest to it have been under character scrutiny for mass murder, torture, terrorism, and traffic tickets.

      • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

        The fact that the Team Fortress Soldier is my lawyer is NOT helping my situation here…

        • Charred Newt

          I’d suggest you ask for the lamp. That guy’s good.

  • Sam Pagano

    Magic exists to serve man. Not to rule man.

    • Daniel Tilson

      Magiiiiic must defeat magic.

  • druugzz

    Nigga please… You love Final Fantasy 13

  • tython

    Time to explain a few plot points,( Yes yes I know FF13 defense but still)

    1) The Cocoon fal’cie cannot create L’cie with a focus that would result in the destruction since there focus is to maintain it Cocoon this is why they need Pulse L’cie to do it.

    2) Cid wanted to royally screw the Fal’cie for making him a cocoon L’cie and thus a life as a puppet with no free will and thus he thinks that by killing Lightning and her group he would finally be able to give the middle finger to his masters, the reason he turns to Crystal could be that his focus was to test the Pulse L’cie and see if they were strong enough for the task at hand or at least that is how I interpret it.

    3) There was no real reason why Lightning and crew were chosen actually any schmuck would have done since Serah’s focus was simply to draw a large group of people into the Pulse Fal’cie in order to become L’cie to carry out the genocide plan so really anybody would have been fine.

    4) The little war that Barthandelus wages wouldn’t have caused the level of destruction he needed due to his “programming” basically yes he could unleash the monsters but he would also be required to do everything he could in order to preserve Cocoon and the people living there the whole reason for this was simply to enrage Lightning and crew and make them want to kill him/Orphen without any care in the world.

    5) The whole shape shifting into Serah was simply to once again make the characters angry and want to kill him.

    6) There are actually 2 reasons they want to die one is yes they want to summon god and get some answers which leads to the other reason in which they are tired of having a singular existence and are jealous of humanities free will, so basically Paradise Lost

    • Godmars

      And the fundamental problem is that everything the Fal’Cie do goes directly against what they were “programmed” to do. Its like robots from the Irobot universe quoting the laws of robotics as they violate them.

      Nevermind that in trying to exploit the supposed free will of humanity they’re showing that humanity has no free will, or that the god who created them all really sucked at his job.

      • tython

        To quote the Archmage from Gargoyles “The law that cannot be broken can surely be bent” basically the Fal’cie were able to manipulate their programming enough without going fully against it in order to carry out their goal. As for the other part well you got me there.

        • Durakken

          The Fal’cie were not created by an omnipotent perfect god… they were created by the creation of a flawed deity…

          • tython

            never said that the God that made them was perfect, Etro from 13-2 proves that gods in this series are far from perfect

        • Godmars

          And in doing so prove that they have free will. For what that’s worth.

          Really, it just goes to show that Square was both too full of themselves yet didn’t know what they were doing. Where too focused on making the game look good rather than give it any depth.

          • Aschthebloody

            and plus that character was not directly created by a higher being that encoded the rule into there very being, there is no bending when its literally apart of you.

          • Lina Jones

            Well, they THINK they have depth. It’s one of the negative things about JRPGs and anime that the writers put in a lot of philosophical mumbo jumbo and longing sentiment to make it sound deep, when all it does is end up just making the characters sound like intellectual posers.

            I think the idea of the main story works, I’ve seen variants of such a thing in other media, but unfortunately, the plot and explanation is buried under so much tripe, it’s hard to make out.

            I’m sure there’s a cultural divide there wherein I just don’t “get it.”

          • doresh

            They don’t think. They PRETEND to think.

            I also assume the “fake depth” just exists to hide plotholes. Japan is not the only country to do this, but they usually do it in this hilarious mess of pseudo-philosophical/religious, pretentious bullshit I just find fascinating XD

      • Atmos_Duality

        Yup. It’s a pretty obvious contradiction that requires more assumptions and “Maaayyybe…?” sort of reasoning to justify, and even then its justification is flimsy at best.

        Because whatever absolute programming the Superior thing A is possessed by, will be passed down to whatever Thing B it employs. Otherwise, Thing A logically disobeys its programming.

        This isn’t even the first time I’ve seen this broken plot point; Blizzard pulled the same shit with Starcraft 2 in retconning the Overmind into some sort of “tragic figure”.

    • L1nk1

      “The whole shape shifting into Serah was simply to once again make the characters angry and want to kill him. ”

      Worse than in a stupid slasher flick plot? oh boy. That doesn’t sound like defensive explanation at all.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      You actually a far better job in defending the game than I do because you’re calm and took your time to justify what Spoony finds to be bad in the game. You have my respect.

    • ctge33

      1. This is a little weak. He can kill humans, coerce them into attacking Orphan and gradually strengthen the enemy and guide them to Cocoon’s one major weakspot, but he can’t “destroy cocoon”. Fine. So why doesn’t he hand pick a bunch of psychos and send them off to the vestige 1 by 1? Far easier that way to get them to do what you want. Instead he uses … a bunch of children, Lightning & Sazh.

      2. My impression was that Barthandelus crystalised Raines to save his life, and brought him back to repurpose him a little bit. I don’t think he actually fulfilled his focus by attacking the group. Doesn’t matter too much I suppose.

      3. Why did Anima allow himself to die? Clearly he was invulnerable under that big metal shell thing that Lightning struck a few times before their fight.

      4. How exactly was Barthandelus supposed to get lightning and co. to kill Orphan anyway? It seems like a lose-lose with no real incentive for them to complete their Focus whatsoever. They DID it anyway, but I have no idea why – or how they thought they’d get out of this.

      • tython

        4) Actually this is something a lot of people misunderstand, Lightning and crew didn’t know that Orphen was also in on the plan they basically thought that it was only Barthandelus and his group of Fal’cie that were trying to get Orphen killed by the Pulse L’cie, when they finally did kill Barty they assumed that the mission was over and were about to leave when Orphan shows up to kill them since as a Cocoon Fal’cie he cannot allow Pulse L’cie to live as they are they are the enemy so he is basically forcing the party into a fight of survival that unfortunately led to the death of Orphen.

        1) The main reason he cannot send people there one by one as you say is well fear see the Fal’cie did such a good job at making the populace terrified of Pulse as shown by Hope and Sazh that anyone they think is “tainted” by it is to be shipped off to Pulse that was the whole point of the opening of the game.

        As for number 2 I guess your point works as well, just I always figured that Barthandelus was a much better chess player then he let on.

        As for Anima well….that one actually confuses me as well, the only explanation I can think of is that he was already weak just getting onto Cocoon considering that he somehow got there from Pulse,

        • ctge33

          4. You make it sound like an accident.. the dialogue suggests they made a deliberate decision to take it on. It wasn’t like their back was against the wall, and again, killing Orphan destroys Cocoon. So you’re options are run/survive or fight/die or crystalise or c’ieth

          1. Right away that’s BS. He could easily do it all in secret. No one knows the fal’cie is inside the vestige and no one realised Serah was a l’cie for days. Not to mention Barthandelus orchestrated the Purge himself, even if some/most(?) citizens were on board.

          Anima wasn’t weakened or anything (not that it matters since his shell was impenetrable at that point). Barthandelus I believe is the one that snatched up the vestige and brought it to Cocoon. Another way of bending the rules, same with the Arks.

          • tython

            One point of clarification the whole C’ieth thing was now null and void since they now had the same White Brands that Fang has( with the possible exception of Vanille) which basically says take all the time you need to complete your focus. Although the instant they did complete it they still turned to crystal until the events of 13-2 explain why that didn’t stick.

            As for Orphan I am pretty sure he locked the room before any of them could escape so yeah either fight or die was in effect.

            According to Barty the purge was more the will of the people that he and the other Fal’cie was fulfilling since they took 500 years in order to ensure people were absolutely terrified of pulse and anyone who might be “tainted” by it. Also they knew it was a Fal’cie they just didn’t know it was a pulse fal’cie till later and by then it was too late.

            Again I do agree with you about the Anima thing I cannot figure out why it was so weak compared to the others we see all I can figure was that he was weakened somehow to explain how they could kill him without L’cie powers.

    • MaX Mpesiris

      Wait a second, are you really defending the game or not?

      Cause you just said that the characters have nothing really to do with the story, which is not really helping the game’s case.

      No, I’m not making this up, you said it yourself.

      It could have been anyone.

      • tython

        One of my pet peeves is if you are going to attack a game you attack it right, Spoony did bring up a lot of good points but he also either skimmed over or didn’t fully understand a few which is a given considering the mess that this game turned out to be.

    • doresh

      1) Since they never bother to tell anyone their focus, I’m pretty sure they could just give them a random focus and troll them into thinking they have to destroy Cocoon.

      And I can understand those defenses. Doesn’t help, but it’s appreciated :3

      • tython

        funny story the Ci’eth that show up on your way to Barty are actually Cids resistance fighters made into L’cie with no focus whatsoever, so in a way they did get Trolled just not in the way people would think.

        • doresh

          No focus? I’d at least given them something like “Jump to the moon”, or “Eat that mountain over there”.

    • endplanets

      Wait a second…..
      So the cocoon Lcie turned Cid into a Falcie and gave him the focus. The focus which is that Cid will rebel against his focus and fail in trying to go against his focus. What In The F*ck.

      And he wouldn’t hate the Falcie enough to try to screw them until the Falcie turned him into a Lcie.

      • tython

        1)The Coccon Fal’cie first turns Cid into a L’cie with the focus of helping Lightnings group.

        2) Cid comes to the realization that he no longer has any free will and is basically going through the motions so to speak from despair until he sees the sheer intensity that Lightning and co are fighting with to defy their focus of destroying Cocoon regardless of the consequences

        3) He then comes to the realization that by killing Lightning and her team that will utterly screw the Cocoon Fal’cie plans by ensuring that no more Pulse L’cie could be made since Anima the only Pulse Fal’cie that was in Cocoon is now dead

        4) After utterly failing to kill them he somehow becomes crystal instead of a Zombie since he did in a way fufil his focus by aiding Lightning and co by testing their strength and seeing if they had what it took to kill people like Barty and Orphan.

        • endplanets

          Now that actually makes sense.

    • ctge33

      Hey I was wondering, why can Barthandelus order Pulse l’cie to destroy Cocoon but not Sanctum l’cie?

      • tython

        He can’t and doesn’t really all he does is explain what the focus they got was since Anima was part of the plan. All he really does is tell them to complete their focus and tries to goad them onto fufilling it by using Serah, Dajh the war he instigates near the end etc. The reason he goes to these lengths is because since humans havebfree will as Spoony pointed out if they want to they want to they can just do nothing. The only price then is zombification.

  • Sam Pagano

    Also I laugh like a five year old even after reading the real life analects.

  • Patrick Coyle

    One of the best things about waiting over half a year for this?

    Going back to the first one and starting over to refresh my memory on everything leading up to it. Time to grab some popcorn.

  • Morgil27

    Love the ending. When he said the voice sounded familiar, i seriously was not expecting THAT. F-ing Hilarious!

  • Nick Harris

    i just wanna say, that i have never once posted a comment any any videos on any website besides youtube…. but i just gotta say. THAT ENDING WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!

    • http://UnholyFireDragon.blogspot.com/ Unholy Fire Dragon

      Spoony’s comedy value went beyond Thunderdome.

      • Fueldrop

        Come on, can’t we all get…

        you all knew this was coming…

        Beyond Thunderdome?

        • Cthulhu07

          I’ll never get over Macho Grande…:D

          • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

            “How he” came unglued??

          • Cthulhu07

            Howie came unglued?

  • Jonathan

    That ending was too perfect. Awesome review, and I cannot wait for the last part.

  • Fueldrop

    “Sir, you’re in my spot.”

    Now that’s out of the way: I think I can see a couple of minor flaws in this guy’s plans. Just little ones.
    For instance, early on I think (may have heard it wrong) that his plan requires him to die as part of it. But his plan also involves him living to watch the world burn while sipping rare wine and stroking a white cat. Anyone else noticing a disconnect here?

    To be fair, I’ve seen this plan before more or less. Halo, the Covenant want to follow their makers on the great journey by killing all living things. The difference here is that the Covenant didn’t know that’s what they were doing.

    I would laugh till I cried if the Fal’cie pulled off their plans, got the attention of the maker, and he rocked up in a big-ass spaceship wondering why the AI he’d tasked with keeping the last survivors of his people safe had thrown up a bunch of error messages and then gone silent.

    • endplanets

      Nah, the Covenant actually have a cool plan. They think the Forerunners created the

      Halo rings which opens a sorta portal to heaven or something. The Covenant then try to find the Rings and open the same portal and all the good people will go to sorta heaven too.

      What doesn’t make any sense is if the Prophets know their religion is bullshit. They know the humans are Forerunners which is the only reason they try to eliminate them (to keep their power). But they actually try hard to activate the Halos and then in Halo 4 the humans are not Forerunner (have not played 4) so uh, what?

  • http://www.fanfiction.net/u/597550/Abicion Abicion

    Dysley-Serah doing creepy things?

    Maybe I should write a fanfic about that.

  • NeroAngelo

    Oh holy crap, i had no idea that he was the voice of reynolds . . . that just made my year
    This has been more than worth the wait

    Okay, to sum up their master plan, I think I finally found out.
    Daddy’s gone? Maybe if we give our pets a button that sets the house on fire he’ll come back

    • doresh

      The funny thing is that this is a lot like the plan of those nutjobs from Dirge of Cerberus. Just replace “Talk to God” with “Launch the Omega Weapon Soul Arc/Spaceship”.

      • NeroAngelo

        i thought that it was more “put a leash on Omega” rather than just summon him . . . so XIII has WORSE writing than DoC?

        • doresh

          They didn’t want to put a leash. Killing “pure” humans (aka what this organisation I can’t be bothered to look up their name did ever since the start of the game) is what caused Omega (which now that I think about is more some kind of planetary escape pod) to awaken to begin with.

          And at least DoC is a sequel that doesn’t have to establish an entirely new setting/universe. That alone is a point for DoC.

          • NeroAngelo

            i meant that the main plan was hojo hoping to gain immortality & ultimate power by controlling omega through the protomateria . . . or something along those lines

            from what i can tell, he was trying to do the same thing to weiss & omega that was done with vincent & chaos & using his own control over weiss & the protomateria become super-vincent . . . or something. it was all kind of vague

          • doresh

            I just didn’t want to mention that Hojo uploaded himself into the internet (that was shortly shut down for several years) so he can take control of a half-naked Yami Marik who in turn controlled a secret army that was kept underground for who knows how long so they can capture “pure” humans and kill them with sentient(?) goo that will somehow tell Omega that it’s time to KILL EVERYONE, steal their souls and leave the planet. For this task, the giant weapon of ultimate murder somehow required the help from Vincent, a guy with the muscle mass of a little school girl. It didn’t work because Vincent made friends with a Kingdom Hearts reject wielding lightsabers like Asajj Ventress.

            And then Yami Marik was saved by Gackt in one of those sequel hooks that will never actually be followed up by a sequel.

            I think that was about all of it, though I don’t think it makes more sense now o_O

          • NeroAngelo

            at least the game didn’t have them turn into zombies & get cured for . . . the power of friendship or some bullshit. & it didn’t have a pet chicken whose name would shake the fabric of time & reality

            it did have ALOT of suspension of disbelief. sure it had bondage-man fusing with yami marik, but it lacked the plot hole that the entire game could be won by doing absolutely nothing

          • doresh

            Thank god Hiroki Chiba seems to be a slightly less insane writer than Toriyama :3

  • Zandrous

    ….I…..I have no words. The same voice actor as Reynolds? You’re shitting me. That is just BEYOND hilarious. The finale is going to be great. I wish this part had been a little longer, but it’s understandable with the move and holidays and such. So I’m not complaining, just sad it ended so soon. BUT I’m ready for part 6. BRING IT ON HOME SPOONY!

  • RobMcCune

    Wow, and I thought Barthandeus was moronic in the last review! This guy has to be the dumbest motherfucker in all Japanese media.

    Though if he’s SWAT 4 partner AI, then I guess that level of stupidity is what you’d have to expect.

  • John Shepard

    Will watch it and do a marathon of all parts when i get back from work.
    All i can say now is thank you Spoony for this wonderful Christmas present.

    Merry Christmas,Happy New Year and Happy Holidays to you and everyone else here!

  • CrotaroLP

    Hahaha oh my god my day didn’t even begin yet, and you already made it awesome^^
    Btw the new intro and outro are so frickin cool!

  • Fueldrop

    Hey Spoony, let’s be fair. You and Insano cooperate… sometimes… and he repeatedly tried to kill you. Maybe the big B just watched your show a lot and thought “Hmmm, that’s a novel approach. I bet it works on the group of mortals I need for my brilliant plan!”

  • Norman Stillwell

    A STRANGE GAME. THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY.

    • kungfuman316

      Hate to say it but…the asshat would probably just choose a different group to do his bidding in that case after turning this group into monsters and shit. And manage it just as badly mind you.

      • Daniel Tilson

        Except he needed the two capable of becoming Ragnarok in order for the plan to work, so if they do nothing, the plan fails, and now he’s got ragnarok potential zombies running around eating brains and not destroying the world.

        • Fueldrop

          All we want to do is eat your brains. we’re not unreasonable, I mean no-one’s gonna eat your eyes…

      • doresh

        That’s what Barthy was planning all along! Creating a first group of idiots and having them fail is all part of his master plan :3

        • Fueldrop

          I have heard dumber master plans. Get Nightcrawler elected pope, Harvest’s plan in ‘The Culling’, that sort of thing. However, just because worse plans are out there doesn’t make this any less of a bad plan.

          • doresh

            The trick is to claim that EVERYTHING always runs according to your plan at ALL times. They’ll never prove otherwise XD

          • Fueldrop

            I knew you would say that! You played right into my hands! *Evil cackle*!

            Soon, my poorly defined and illogical plan will come to fruition, and I shall retroactively make December 25th a holiday!

          • doresh

            You MONSTER!

          • Fueldrop

            *Evil laugh*
            Nothing can stop me now! I mean, it’d take a rag-tag assortment of internet reviewers to so much as hope to end my evil and ill defined plans!

            And 8-bit Micky.

          • doresh

            Ha-HA! Now you’ve fallen into my cunning trap! Tremble at the vagueness of this threat :3 !

          • Fueldrop

            Curses! Foiled again!

            Or am I? Muhahaha!

          • doresh

            Just as planned…

          • Fueldrop

            Dammit, this is what I get for going up against Tzeentch.
            Oh well, you can’t see everything coming. December 25th will always have been a holiday before the year is out, you’ll see…

            In retrospect it would probably have been easier to just call in sick than all this mucking about with causality just to get a day off work. I mean, my motives are far beyond your petty mortal ken.

          • doresh

            What makes you think I am mortal?!

          • Fueldrop

            You’re not me. From my infinite point of view everyone is mortal.

          • doresh

            I have moved beyond infinity :3

          • Fueldrop


            drat.

  • Cthulhu07

    Reynolds – The Root of All Evil!

    What an amazing review by the way. Can’t wait to see what you have stored for us next. :D

  • SUPERSOUP

    Is he gonna do something other than Final Fantasy after this shit is over? Cause I’m pretty sick of it. I want to see Spoons do more older games. Or maybe something that he enjoys. Y’all enjoy seeing him shout too much.

    • Reza Lustig

      I don’t think he would do any FF reviews in the first place if he really hated it; reviewing shitty games is what he loves.

      I really hope he gets to FFXIII-2. He said it was way worse than XIII, and so his raging on that one should actually register on the richter scale ;)

      • SUPERSOUP

        I don’t mean to say he hates it, just that it seems like it’s all out of a sense of obligation because he’s ‘The Spoony One’ and Final Fantasy has become like a personal quest of his. It feels like there’s a whole weighty backstory there that he’s keenly aware of in his reviews.

        I don’t mean the story bits in his reviews, which I don’t generally care about. I mean the metanarrative surrounding who Spoony is and what he does and the relation of Final Fantasy to that. It’s like all the backstory in the Marvel Universe. Writers may be having fun, but you know they’re worried all the time about stepping on the toes of the way the fans think it should be. Final Fantasy seems like a quest Spoony is going on because the fans expect it; I prefer the Ultima reviews because that was clearly something Spoony wanted to do for his own personal reasons.

        I guess ultimately I just like the guy, even if he is clearly sort of a dick, and I wish him the best, and don’t want him to do something because he feels it’s expected as part of his persona.

  • Garmrspor

    Oh, merry Christmas to you as well, Spoontang!

  • Aluminum Foil

    Hey. I would play lets go to the races :<
    But only if I can get so sloshed I can't find my feet anymore.

    • Daniel Tilson

      I’d play it.

      It can’t possibly be worse than Gone Birding.

  • Dogmelter42

    Best… Christmas Present… Ever…
    Thank you very much, Spoony. Congratulations, and happy holidays!

  • Breakin

    So I had to do a little reading since there’s no way he could cram it all into the review and have it still be entertaining. Cid’s focus is actually to aid Lighting and the rest in the destruction of Cocoon but instead fails his focus by attempting to stop them. Which means he’s suppose to turn into a crystal monster not the pure crystal thingy thus confirming that the game doesn’t follow it’s own rules.
    Also Sazh’s son only becomes a l’cie because Sazh was dumb enough to take his son to visit a dormant Fal’cie. Which means that the Fal’cie had to know that his son was wanted to see one up close, that Sazh was going to be stupid enough to bring him to one and then instead of tagging him right then and there, waiting months for a different Fal’cie to tag him so that they could use his son to find him, so he’d be so overcome with grief that he would fake his own death……aaaand i’ve gone cross eyed.

    TL;DR: wow this shit is stupid, Merry Christmas! Thanks Spoony

    • doresh

      Well, he kinda turned himself into a partial crystal monster. Didn’t know you can do this, but whatever. “Screw the rules, I have stylish character designs!” I guess <_<

    • ____

      Acting against one’s Focus does not automatically make them into a Cie’th, you ignorant dumbfuck. Blow your fucking brains out.

    • tython

      Actually he did help Lightning and her group by testing their strength and ensuring that they were up to the task of destroying Cocoon. Well at least that is how Barty would put it

      Actually Sazh took his son there as part of a trip the Fal’cie woke up and turned his son in a L’cie because Fang and Vanille were also there and openly declared tthat they were there to kill the Fal’cie thus activating the self preservation instinct and create a L’cie to defend him.

    • endplanets

      So Cid’s focus was the same as that of the main six and destroy all humanity.
      Wait, from what you said (I only played 2 hours of FF13) isn’t it that his objective is to aid the 6 in destroying humanity. And technically he succeeded because he helped level up the characters (allow them to reach the next tier of their crysterium or something) and so he gets his “reward”.

      The sad thing is that Cid is the ONLY good guy because he is actually trying to save humanity. I guess he thought that after he explained what the Falce wanted the main six would join him. And this is probably the only time I have ever seen a “bad” guy’s monologue that actually has a point and theoretically could improve his chances of completing his objective.

  • MaX Mpesiris

    19:30

    O_O

    Wait, what?

    WHAAAAAAT??????????

    You’ve got to be joking!!!

    They have to try hard for this to be a coincidence.

    It’s like they had this planned all along.

    HOLY CR@P!!!!

    • endplanets

      Why do you think he released new SWAT 4 vids so many years later.

  • Aiddon

    okay, I did NOT know that about Bullock. Although, this also makes for an amusing Kid Icarus reference because he played Hades in Uprising (and Lightning’s VA played Palutena). interestingly, a lot of voice actors in FFXIII are very good, but due to how TERRIBLE the script is people like Hillis, Baker, Bailey, etc just can’t display how good they usually are. It goes to show how much acting is dependent on a script instead of just a performance.

    Anyway, it is kind of hilarious at how I’ve actually ran out of ways to say “Motomu Toriyama is a terrible writer.” Seriously, there’s only so many ways I can bag on this guy’s incompetence and how oblivious he is at the hate people lob at his stories.

    Speaking of the narrative, basically the goal of the villains comes off as a REALLY bad imitation of that of Krelian from the game Xenogears. Both villains basically want to find God itself. However, Krelian’s desire to do so was because of a legitimate, scarring loss he experienced in his past and at the conclusion his decision to do so comes off as tragic and also kind of pathetic, seeing just how much he lost and also how far gone he was. This kind of plot COULD have worked if, maybe, we learned about the fal’Cie as characters instead of just some anonymous bad guy who exist solely to give the heroes something to beat up. Maybe if we learned about their motivations and WHY they’re so intent on seeing God then we could understand them and get a better narrative out of it. This also goes to show how important exposition is. Toriyama basically has no patience and doesn’t understand sometimes you need to slow down and EXPLAIN THINGS. This also helps to build the heroes and villains, thus making for a better story. Like I’ve said a million times before, it amazes me at how this guy doesn’t understand the bare basics of writing.

    • Jarin

      I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Motomu Toriyama is the source of literally everything I hate at Squeenix, starting with Revenant Wings and going downhill from there.

      • Aiddon

        the thing about Toriyama is that you can see how he blatantly rips off SO many good things about the FF series. For example, Lightning is literally just a gender swapped Cloud Strife….except missing a LOT of his nuance, complexity, and remembering that he actually had a wide range of emotions. He takes bits and pieces from other games, not really GETTING why they worked. He takes them at face value and lacks the kind of insight to really elevate cliches to something truly evocative. He’s really just your run of the mill hack.

        • Jarin

          This is why it’s so very frustrating that he’s on SQX’s “quality control board” now. Seriously, I just do not get how that company can be this blind…

          • Aiddon

            My personal theory is that he has some sort of dirt on the executives. The reality is that the execs are a bunch of idiots, mainly Kitase who is obviously propping up Toriyama as his protege and heir to the FF name.

      • Fueldrop

        I don’t know who’s responsible for Supreme Commander 2, but I’m seeing a trend here: Games which are beautiful and polished, but lack substance.

      • doresh

        I fear he’s more of a symptom. Squeenix refuses to adapt and change, instead being contempt to continue down a road even if they can already see the abyss it leads to.

      • ____

        I’ll rip your fucking balls off, retard.

    • SUPERSOUP

      Holy shit, you’re right about Xenogears. And that game was a silly, pretentious mess (albeit one I love) but at least it had a proper fucking plot, real characters with motivations you could sympathize with and understand, and a world that had a sense of internal self-consistency.

      What has happened to proper writing in Japan? Toriyama is just one symptom of it; it certainly exists elsewhere. He’s just a simpleton who wants to get to the next cool-looking art design, but there’s a whole industry that seems to actively encourage this kind of bullshit writing.

      • Aiddon

        It’s more like Square has no clue what it’s doing right now. I’ve never bought into that myth of “Japan’s writing has gone down the drain.” when in fact the crap-to-quality ratio hasn’t really changed. The problem is that the worst-performing RPG giant (SE) is also the most prominent.

        Square basically collapsed in on itself post-Sakaguchi and now a bunch of upstarts have taken the reins in SE’s place. Atlus is just getting better, Monolith Soft over at Nintendo (which is comprised of the Xenogears guys) has become a team to watch ever since Xenoblade, even Mistwalker knows what they’re doing better than SE does right now. Heck, even Nippon Ichi Software’s goofy but interesting titles write circles around SE now. best to just move on from Square and get your fix elsewhere

        • doresh

          Yeah, the basic problem is that hack writers have somehow attained positions of power and influence they never deserved in the first place, tarnishing the whole industry <_<

    • Fueldrop

      I admit I have never played the game (I actually have never played any FF game), but I hear people say things like ‘when you get to grand pulse 20 hours in it really opens up’.

      That means that there’s significantly more than 20 hours of gameplay, with some estimates I heard going past 30+ hours.

      Most audiobooks, IE novels read aloud, take 12-14 hours. The lord of the rings movies in extended format take about 9-10 hours all together.

      You cannot convince me that having enough time to listen to multiple novels or watch all the extended cuts for lord of the rings including two cast commentaries per disk is insufficient time to establish character, motivation and setting during the game. Party banter exists for a reason people!

      As a side note, the information we get during the game… we shouldn’t. We should not find out that the plan is to destroy cocoon until the end of the second act so we can go ‘my god/goddess/spirit guide/atheistic exclamation, what have I done?!?” and rush off to set things right.

      Look at Halo: 343’s plan was to wipe out life in the galaxy. HE DID NOT TELL THIS TO THE PAWN WHO HE NEEDED BUT WOULD PROBABLY OBJECT! and as a result, he would have succeeded if there hadn’t been an unanticipated AI presence to intervene at the very last moment.

      • SeanMcTiernan

        That’s the thing: The other FF games start getting fun within about 10-15 minutes of playing them, with far more open worlds. XIII feels like they never really trust you to actually *play* the game.

        • Fueldrop

          I don’t get that. “It gets good 20 hour in” is not an incentive to play the game when I can boot up a classic Mario title and get good gameplay from the word go. Ditto Starcraft, Plants vs Zombies, Crysis, Deus Ex Human Revolution ect.

          But let’s be entirely fair, we cut RPGs a bit of slack as far as slow starts are concerned because a large part of the experience is gradually shaping your character as you go from farmer to badass, making choices that affect how the character responds to the world around them and ultimately who they end up as.An RPG like Dragon Age: Origins can take up to an hour of handholding and learning the rules before you’re free to have a meaningful impact on the game’s progression.

          But FF13 isn’t your classic RPG, it’s here to tell a story. (Yes, that is the excuse the developers use for their railroading)
          So let’s compare it to a cheap, heavily railroaded hack-and-slasher: Space siege. I picked this game up for change money from a bargain bin. The plot is fairly predictable, the characters one or two note, the game is pretty much a long hallway.

          From the word go SS is an unapologetic action RPG. You start off hacking aliens apart with your energy blade, and from there get a decent variety of guns to help you kick ass the way you find most satisfying. There are two skill trees, no random drops, you get skill points exactly when the game wants you to (though side quests do still give extra points, which helps add a little spice). There are 2 major plotline choices near the end of the game, and the main RP aspect is deciding whether to stay human or start getting augmentations. The augmentations (which become available at a plot-determined time) make you stronger, faster, tougher, more accurate, and allow you to use certain skills and weapons (like the minigun IIRC) that would otherwise be unavailable, but staying pure human until the end of the game unlocks each skill tree’s ultimate ability. Also, since the love interest is kind of squicked out by augmentation I believe you drive her away if you aug up too much. (For those of you who dislike one note love interests take heart, you can kill her or turn her into a cyborg warrior under your command if that’s your thing)

          In effect, it’s a cheap hack-and-slash game with an excuse plot and, since they didn’t really care about a sequel, a couple of choices to alter the ending. It lasts maybe 4-5 hours if you’re thorough, but for the asking price about on par with a big mac that’s fine.

          FF13 is far prettier. FF13 has far nicer music. FF13 has a far larger cast. FF13 starts getting good 20 hours in.

          I would rather play Space Siege. See, I don’t like wading through 20 hours of grinding before I start having fun, I’m a greedy mofo who wants their fun from the word go. If my cheapass game can do that better than the big title, I WILL PLAY MY CRAPPY CHEAPASS GAME!

          PS: The villains in Space Siege have comprehensible plans that they don’t actively self-sabotage. SEE? IT IS NOT THAT DIFFICULT!

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            Honestly, linearity itself isn’t the problem. I’ve played RPGs that were somewhat linear, and enjoyed them all the more for how they balanced player autonomy with telling a story (PS:T, Quest for Glory, Fallout, STALKER), whereas games that are more focused on creating a completely open world at the expense of narrative structure make it a lot harder for me to get invested in the story. The problem is that it is so aggressively linear and every feature seems designed to involve the player as little as possible, to the point the game plays itself. Yahtzee joked that this was Square’s way of trying to make it clear that they just want to make films, but I’d almost believe it, as aside from bare involvement in combat, the story isn’t doing anything that couldn’t be done in miniseries.

          • Aiddon

            thing is Spoony mentioned that linearity is not a negative, it’s merely a descriptive. In a game like this you’re telling a story and you can’t tell a story out of order. The FF titles were ALWAYS linear, but they never felt suffocating. They made you feel like you were in an actual world and thus let it be explored to your leisure. It added extra fun and depth to the game and helped let the players get more invested in it.

          • Rakkrakk

            That’s the difference between Dragon Age: Origins (A rare occasion of a modern day RPG masterstroke with rough edges here’n’there) and FF13(Pleaser of graphics whores):
            The masterstroke takes one or two hours to set the player and and their character up in both gameplay and narrative, and while the plot is fairly standard the story-telling, world- and character depth are handled expertly throughout the entirety of the game.
            The graphics whore pleaser on the other hand takes twenty hours to give its player some form of simulated choice while still continuing to restrict the player in hallways for the sake of a standard yet somehow horribly experimental plot, mindnumbingly terrible narrative and characters that only insane or extraordinarily stupid people can relate to.

            Also, another game that has a linear storyline but still is a great RPG: Look no further than PlaneScape: Torment. Seriously, that plot is as linear as it can get, and it can be speedran very simply: Beat up a dabus, go through the maze, beat up another dabus. The End.

    • ____

      You’re a fucking piece of shit who needs to die.

  • Racecarlock

    Ok spoony, you’re getting a little addicted to padding for more parts. That “Too be concluded” might as well have been a mortal kombat video cutting out when “Finish Him!” appears on the screen.

    • LotusPrince

      You realize that “to be concluded” is a pretty normal thing for a series to do, right? Also that you have no idea how long the conclusion episode will be.

      • Racecarlock

        Sure, but for a game he seems to want to finish as soon as possible just to end the pain, he sure is dragging this out. Like a man who takes his cocaine only on tampons, spoony is getting addicted to padding.

  • igotbanned999

    At least Palpatine’s plan made sense.

    Reminds of Bleach’s bad writing with Aizen claiming he was responsible for everything, even things that would make no sense.

    • Steven Youkhana

      OMG someone else that thinks Bleach’s writing is bad! This is a miracle!

      • doresh

        Me too :D !

        But Barthandelus is even worse, because at least Aizen was an overpowered Gary Stu.

        • Steven Youkhana

          But a few people think that FInal fantasy 13 writing is good I think. A lot of people support bleach. Seriously, don’t even get me started on the new Bleach arc.

          • doresh

            Isn’t it “supportED Bleach”?

            There’s a reason why the current arc is the final one, and why Toriko has taken Bleach’s spot amongst the “Big Three”: Bleach has losing readers for a while now.

          • Steven Youkhana

            Oh I didn’t know that. Even though you say that fans of bleach will get angry if you point out any flaws or any nonsensical plot points.

          • doresh

            I didn’t say that :3

            Though I presume the fans that are still loyal are probably a bit fanatic…

          • igotbanned999

            Didn’t know my comment would start a huge Bleach discussion… but yeah, Bleach has pretty much sucked since the end of the Soul Society arc. Although, to be fair, fans of almost anything will get angry if you point out flaws of nonsensical plot points.

          • doresh

            The internet is full of surprises XD

            I never really kept up-to-date with the rest of the fandom, but I don’t think there’s much to defend in Bleach if Kubo himself obviously makes stuff up as he goes along.

          • Rakkrakk

            And especially since Kubo stopped giving a crap about drawing. Seriously, one chapter of bleach ever since the Karakura fight began could potentially kill any player of Linkara’s drinking game via alcohol poisoning.
            Before its halfway point. xD

          • doresh

            Haven’t seen too much from that “era”, since I pretend the manga ended with the Deicide chapters. Did it became worse than characters gradually turning into clones of each other with different hair? Does he use even less panels per page to drag this out even more?

          • Rakkrakk

            Then you have seen the era I mean. Since the Karakura battle BEGAN not ended. But yes, it’s gotten worse. I remember a certain prequel chapter in which ended on a page that contained exactly ONE tiny speech baloon. Which contained two words. On an otherwise completely blank page.

          • doresh

            Quality minimalism :D !

          • Rakkrakk

            Sarcasm, this is not! : D

        • golden izanagi

          well at least I found barths falcie form better then aizens “butterfly form” which was stupid as shit considering those wings of his were not really inspiring terror and to add more to why that form shouldn’t inspire terror is mainly because he became that butterfly thing because of his fear of his life ending right after being tricked by resident creepy guy gin ichimaru.

          • doresh

            I could’ve lived with Butterfly Aizen. The problem is that turning into a human condom made Aizen stop caring: He thought he was so unbeatable now that he stopped using his bullshit illusion powers – bullshit powers that would’ve probably quite useful against Mummy Ichigo.

            This would saidly not be the only time Kubo did this. Remember that Fullbring dude with the watches, who could blow you up if you couldn’t fullfill an arbitrary task? His power-up involves ditching this potentially broken power and turn into the Hulk <_<

            And let's not forget Miss "I can kill ANYONE by hitting him twice in the same spot, and I'm fast as sh*t" whose Bankai is a slow-ass ballistic missile that makes her pass out if she uses it more than once o_O

          • golden izanagi

            well soifons bankai she pretty much had no choice but to use it considering her opponent is a guy who can rot a person to the bone just by being near them and with her shikai release she needs to touch them in order for it to work so yeah long range rocket launcher probably was the best chance she had at the time.
            with the fullbring guy either way he was fighting kenpachi I’m pretty sure he would just take off his eye patch and won instantly by blowing that “chat room” to shit along with the hulk wannabe, and yeah I really thought aizen throwing away his usual caution and careful planning was rather stupid considering he was an intimidating villain because of his cautious nature, and remember he decides to discard this in his fight against urahara a guy who he flat out stated was smarter then him and would’ve beaten him if he didn’t absorb the hogyoku earlier.

          • doresh

            What gets me about Soifon’s Bankai is how impractical it is. She needed the help of a Visored to pin Barragan down (even though Barragan didn’t really care that much aboud dodging in the first place). In any other fight, she would probably never hit anything.
            Even then, Barragan SURVIVED the attack. It was the Visored who ultimately did all the work.

            Fighting Kenpachi is even more of a reason to NOT rely on brute strength, because you can’t really beat him there.

          • golden izanagi

            she even said so herself considering her biggest skill is assassination and something like her bankai isn’t really and yeah she probably would’ve lost if that visored hadn’t shown up which gave rise to a pretty awesome way he killed him with his own power against him and I just loved how barragan tries to kill aizen one last time before fading away.
            well it is kenpachi the only thing you can do is try to beat him in a battle of strength and hope to god you survive to at least let him consider you a worthy opponent so that at if you were to lose he will let you live and would want to fight you again when you get stronger.

          • doresh

            Something about a character having a personalized weapon of destruction whose ultimate power-up has nothing to do with the character is incredibly dumb. I guess Kubo just ran out of bankai ideas and watched some war documentaries about missiles or something.

            If you want to beat Kenpachi, you have to fight him in a way where Kenpachi does NOT benefit from his monstrous strength. Because then all you have is a (more or less) dumb brute.
            Tousen probably had the best chances with his Bankai, because Kenpachi can’t really do anything if he can’t sense anything. He only won because Tousen had to get close to him. If Tousen had ranged attacks, Kenpachi would’ve been hosed.

            Sadly, this was the last Kenpachi fight during Kubo’s passable days. After this, Kenpachi only fought other dumb brutes or people who turned into dumb brutes because they’re idiots.

          • golden izanagi

            tousen did have a ranged attack I think it was called benihiko where his sword shot a bunch of blades at him (of course that didn’t work) and the two arrancars kenpachi fought also had ranged attacks such as those cero blasts but ended up not working.
            and for kenpachis fights against brutes thing well I honestly like seeing those fights considering the people he was fighting were shit talking idiots such as nnoitora being a misogynistic asshole who kept trying to kill a fellow espada because she was a woman being higher ranked then him, then there was yammy who pretty much established himself as an asshole by killing a nurse that healed his arm just to test how strong it is.

          • doresh

            Still, I’d rather kept spamming Benihiko instead of trying to stab him. Keeping Kenpachi as far away from his own blade would’ve been the smartest thing to do, especially since Tousen must’ve known his Bankai’s weakness.

            Nnoitra was an asshole, but I expected a bit more tension than “Oh well, I’ll just hold my sword with BOTH hands”.
            Karmic justice would’ve also demanded that Nelliel should’ve kicked his ass, but this was right around the time Kubo got bored of the character <_<

            And Yammy? He was effectively defeated when Ichigo cut off his arm. He contributed NOTHING to the story from then on. Kubo himself wasn't even interested in the shocking revelation of him being the true Uber-Espada and had him be killed OFF-PANEL

          • golden izanagi

            the only thing great about yammy is pretty to much see him be a glorified punching bag for the various characters that he would fight such as yourichi, urahara, uryuu then his final opponents with kenpachi and byakuya while it was fun seeing those two try to kill each other/beat the shit out of him, I however was honeslty hoping chad would be the one to fight and defeat yammy after all they are both the “big guys” in their respective groups but being opposites with yammy being an idiotic braggart who would use his great strength to kill you if you got in his way, with chad he has great strength but is kind, and would use his strength to help his friends and comrades.

          • doresh

            Chad WAS the big guy. I doubt he’ll ever be relevant again <_<

            This is what made me quit the whole manga: You have characters that disappear for YEARS (if they're lucky) just after a chapter where they were the big focus, without any hint as to what happened to them (Grimjaw, Nelliel and her Fraccion), characters whose karmic revenge gets hijacked by more popular characters (Chad, Nelliel again), and hints and build-ups with a disappointing payoff (Grand Fisher's revenge, Yammy as the Uberspada).

            And Yammy as a punching might work if he was a comic relief character or a character you love to hate.
            Unfortunately, he is not funny, interesting or threatening enough. All he ever did in two arcs was kill a bunch of civilians (who are swiftly ignored), mangle Chad's arm (though seeing how Kubo loves characters having their arm chopped off, he was quite lucky) and smash Nameless Arrancar Nurse #1 or 2.

          • golden izanagi

            would’ve been nice to know what happened to characters like grimjow after the aizen arc as I kinda imagined in the ending of that we would see him walk deeper in to hueco mundo vowing to get stronger so he can become the king he brags about being or something like that, and If anyone deserved killing grand fisher just as much as ichigo it would be issin considering that was his wife he killed and did attempt to murder his son not too long ago so seeing him get curb stomped in one shot despite bragging about having a big ass sword was actually pretty cool to see.

          • doresh

            True, but I’m not even sure if Issin (or anyone who saw him as an Arrancar) ever found out what Grand Fisher did in the past.

            Him bragging about his size is also a moot point. By the time he showed up again, the average power level has increased by A LOT, and his Arrancarisation process was clearly the old-fashioned one – and now I just notice that he got turned into an Arrancar despite not even being a Gillian. What the… o_O

            “Sizes matters not” was also shown quite effectively when Ichigo wounded the first Gillian – who later turned into cannon fodder infantry.

          • golden izanagi

            she even said so herself and yeah she would’ve lost if the visored hadn’t shown up which gave rise to an awesome way he killed him using his own power against him and barragan trying one last attempt to kill aizen, and with kenpachi well the only thing you can do is try to beat him in a battle of strength and hope to god he considers you a worthy opponent and lets you live so that he can fight you again when you get stronger.

      • Zefram Mann

        I was into Bleach until the near the end of the stint with Aizen. At that point I just tipped my hats and bailed. I knew it wasn’t going to get better.

    • ____

      You need to die, you fucking worthless cocksucker.

  • Vaughan MacDonald

    Okay, the ending to this episode was glorious

  • UltimaXemnas

    Cid’s focus was to warn them, not to muble around like a cliche’d idiot and to get his ass kicked.

    Barthandelus’
    plan was to brand into L’Cie people who clearly give a shit about the
    world he wants to destroy. The incentive he can give them is that if
    they don’t do that, they turn into Cie’th and can’t live on forever.

    This
    is Spoony’s best part yet, it’s funny as all hell, but he’s clearly
    missing the story on purpose to call it terrible. But i’m happy he’s
    getting his great humour back.

    • doresh

      The can’t “live on forever” either way if their focus is “kill EVERYONE”.

      Also, bullet to the head.

    • Fueldrop

      As far as I understand it, ‘Live forever’ translates into ‘get frozen into crystal until they thaw you out for some other task until you eventually fail or some dumbass blows up the world and breaks your crystal form.

      Eternity as a slave or crystal statue? Yeah, I’m good without immortality. Thanks for the offer.

  • Behellmorph

    Oh this is a Christmas present. I am both surprised yet pleased to see this video. Thanks Spoony.

  • slayride

    Changing the paradigms every time the party changes is one of those pains that is equivalent to the junction switching in FFVIII. Tired of games like this, Grandia Extreme that I am playing now has the same problem. Mana eggs and skill books in limited supply, so every party shift requires ten minutes of reogrganizing the party.

    • ____

      Blow your fucking brains out.

  • SUPERSOUP

    So I just noticed that the logs tell you how the characters feel.

    What a revolting piece of shit. ‘Cultural Differences’ will NEVER excuse writing this bad. Especially when anime and games based on its tropes seemed to understand sensible, non-distracting art design, and things like character development and proper plot progression.

    Fuck this game. You’re welcome to it if you like it, but it’s amazingly terrible.

    • Fueldrop

      I don’t think it’d be so bad if the logs were supplemental to the story (like Mass Effect, which has a bunch of logs but can be played through without so much as glancing at them and still make sense), but when you have hours upon hours of time which the characters themselves admit is just grinding for more XP then something somewhere has gone wrong.

      Some games can get away with mediocre storytelling and linear gameplay, such as shooters or RTS’s, because the story is just an excuse to play the game anyway. An RPG has no such fallback, particularly not one with an auto-battle system.

      Speaking of which, I put this question to anyone who’s played this game: Do you feel that this RPG allowed you to really get into the role of any of the characters? Was it a satisfying Role Playing experience?

      • ____

        You are a fucking retard who needs to die.

      • SUPERSOUP

        You mean ‘RPG’ means ‘Role-Playing Game’? You mean you’re meant to inhabit the shoes of another person different to yourself and possibly learn about a highly alien world? It’s not just about realizing eye-catching art concepts!?

        WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

        • Fueldrop

          My bad, Too much GURPS and Shadowrun have corrupted my thinking.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Too much Shadowrun? No such thing, chummer. :)

      • Rakkrakk

        Another case of the backstory being in supplementary data-logs is Metroid Prime of all things. A first person shooter. That is less linear than th supposed RPG. I still am dumbfounded.

    • doresh

      Don’t worry. There’s no culture on this planet where this is seen as good writing.

      • ____

        Someone needs to blow your head off.

    • ____

      I’ll smash your face, you stupid fucking piece of shit.

  • Jean-Camil Girard

    I am very glad that you made ​​yourself a girlfriend, especially if it is
    the beautiful April! I do hope, however, that you’re gonna stay the same and
    that nothing’s will change about you or your fantastic reviews!

    Take care and please forgive my poor English.

    • Derek Thomas

      Hey look. A frenchman.

  • orangeluigi

    Yes yes yes spoony rage and rant that’s what we love about you!

    • Fueldrop

      Good, good. Give in to your anger, and soon your journey towards the dark side will be complete.

      • orangeluigi

        If spoony goes darksided, we probably would all be screwed.

        • Fueldrop

          Could be worse. Spoony could go to the Darkseid.

  • Jegsimmons

    WOOHOO! New Spoony review of FF13!
    And congrats on moving in with your new GF. (lucky bastard)

  • Segatron

    Call of LuLu? Sounds like some sort of weird “Mystery Date” ripoff, yeah that can go. And Planescape? who decided airport landscaping even needed to be a genre? that can go right next to the golf game.

  • doresh

    I think that hallway would drive me nuts if I had to hear that footstep sound all the way through o_O

  • ____

    Well, I gave it five minutes before it became obvious that this dumbfuck is getting simple facts wrong on purpose.

  • Kenmark91

    There is a new final fantasy 13 game. make sure to prepare yourself spoony

  • ____

    Yeah, I think this ‘review’ only goes to demonstrate that Spoony needs his head blown off.

  • ____

    Who else wants to kill this stupid pathetic pandering piece of shit?

  • ____

    Spoony is a fucking lying cocksucker who deserves to be killed.

  • ____

    Someone should blow this pathetic fucking retard’s head off.

  • ____

    Because when you’re making reviews for retards, you have to demonstrate total ignorance of the subject matter in order to pander to them.

    Fuck off and die, you pathetic piece of shit.

  • ____

    By the way, for people making comments: Spoony has no fucking clue what he’s talking about. He gets just about every element of the story completely wrong in order to bitch about it.

    God, if he tried to tell me any of this, I’d punch him in the face.

  • ____

    Fuck off and die, you retarded cocksucker.

  • ____

    Fuck off and die, you retarded cocksucker. Fuck off and die, you retarded cocksucker.

  • ____

    Fuck off and die, you retarded cocksucker. Fuck off and die, you retarded cocksucker. Fuck off and die, you retarded cocksucker.

  • ____

    Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head.

  • ____

    Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head.

  • ____

    Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head.

  • ____

    Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head.

  • ____

    Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head. Noah Antwiler should be shot in the head.

  • ____

    Wouldn’t it be great if this cocksucker killed himself? Wouldn’t it be great if this cocksucker killed himself?

  • ____

    Wouldn’t it be great if this cocksucker killed himself? Wouldn’t it be great if this cocksucker killed himself?

  • ____

    Noah Antwiler is a fucking piece of shit who should kill himself.

  • ____

    Noah Antwiler is a fucking piece of shit who should kill himself. Noah Antwiler is a fucking piece of shit who should kill himself.

  • ____

    Fuck off and die, you worthless retard.

  • ____

    Fuck off and die, you worthless retard. Fuck off and die, you worthless retard.

    • Kenmark91

      if you dont like his stuff dont watch it dumbshit

  • Pearse Hillock

    Amen, just print screened this one.

  • Jegsimmons

    Welp, looks like /tv/ got word you have a new review out.
    eh, just ignore them, they’re jealous you have a girlfriend.

    • doresh

      I was beginning to wonder what was going on. Trolls these days don’t even try anymore, do they?

      • Fueldrop

        It’s kind of sad, when you think about it. Back in the day trolls played mind games with their victims. They took pride in their craft and worked it well. Now, there’s this rubbish.

        I despair for humanity, I really do.

        • Jegsimmons

          As they say on 4chan, it’s winter break.
          All the kiddies are home from school.

          • doresh

            But they couldn’t even come up with a clever or at least stupid nickname, instead choosing “___”. Have kids lost all creativity or something <_< ?

          • Jegsimmons

            pretty much

          • Derek Thomas

            Look at us. We old veterans of the internet. We remember what it was like. We who are the old farts of our time. It’s kind of a beautiful thing if you think about it. I mean really. That was OUR generation. It is a shame how the younger ones have despoiled our kingdom.

            Like jeeze man. You remember runescape? Dark Throne?
            I remember when forums were places you’d wait all day to get home to check. Now they’re as common place as dirt and they all suck. Can’t even have a conversation in many of them without some unpleasantness creeping in. One troll is fine. But when the entire forum is full of them, what’s the point?

            Remember AOL?
            Remember those chat rooms?
            Remember when Myspace was a thing?

          • doresh

            Now I feel old XD

            And yeah, people are weird these days…

        • golden izanagi

          well at least you should try to take comfort that the fictional trolls of various entertainment mediums can be more effective in the craft of playing mind games with people such as izaya orihara of durarara or Terumi of blazblue.

    • MaX Mpesiris

      Wait, who or what the heck is /tv/?

      • Jegsimmons

        the television and film board from 4chan.
        They bitch and moan about TGWTG contributors, spoony, redletter media, ect.

        they troll and act like they dont watch it and its stupid, but apparently they’ve seen every episode.
        just ignore them, its how they roll.

        • SUPERSOUP

          Well, there’s a lot of love for RLM on /tv/. But the majority of TGWTG contributors are, let’s be honest, truly awful. Brad is the only exception I can think of, and Doug does occasionally do something worth watching, although recently it’s pretty uniformly terrible.

          • Jegsimmons

            I got to agree a good chunk are underwhelming, but Brad, spoony, doug, ect have all been consistently good.

            However i dont go around trolling videos i dont watch in the first place. Like a decent logical human with a life.

          • SUPERSOUP

            I don’t agree that Doug is consistently good. A lot of his stuff, especially the more recent stuff, is frankly unbearable. I think he’s funny and talented, but it only shines through when he can overcome his massive ego.

            Honestly, the funniest things he’s done recently are those ads where he was begging for money for that video game show. He’ll do something every so often that really shines, and give me hope. And then he’ll go back to the old formula of making the most depressingly boring jokes humanly possible.

          • doresh

            I must admit Doug has been doing some strange things recently. I like the idea of his bi-weekly editorials, but why lump them together with his NC episodes if it is so obviously Doug talking as himself, and not as the Nostalgia Critic?

            I also think the show as a whole has become a bit overblown. Just listen to the intro song o_O

            And TGWTG has become way too big.

          • SUPERSOUP

            What do you mean by ‘bi-weekly editorials’? All I’ve seen are his NC reviews where he does one big one and then a smaller one on alternate weeks. I watch them every once in a while, because as I’ve said many of them are unbearable. He’s not quite as bad as he was before he ‘quit’ but it’s still ludicrously unfunny. Although ‘8 Crazy Nights’ wasn’t terrible. The whole ‘angry reviewing’ thing doesn’t do it for me in general, and Doug’s never really done it well. There are only a few that are good at it (Spoony’s one) and I just feel like it’s a bit sad.

            Also I should add that while there IS a lot of love for RLM on /tv/, you see a lot of people bitching about wanting a new Plinkett Review and talking about how shit HITB and BOTW are. They aren’t, of course, but those shows remind fa/tv/irgins that other people have friends.

          • doresh

            I meant those shorter videos whose title is usually a question (like “Batman Season 4: Hit or Miss?” or “Has CGI Gone too Far?”). They aren’t reviews. Doug (as himself, not the Critic) just talks about what he personally thinks about these questions.

            Heck, in his “NC returns!” video (or however it’s called), he outright states that the NC reviews will be bi-weekly.

          • Atmos_Duality

            TGWTG is more fragmented than it looks.
            And fear not; with the recent copyright armageddon on youtube, the number of upstarts for TGWTG to pick up is going to fall off like a brick.
            Meaning: Their population can only go down from here.

          • Zefram Mann

            Been seriously digging Diamanda and Rap Critic’s take on ICP, and Nostalgia Chick and Linkara do a lot of worthy stuff as well. Not everything there is gold, but saying most of them are terrible is, at best, subjective.

          • Jegsimmons

            eh, not a fan of DH, rap critic has some good stuff every now and then.

          • Derek Thomas

            Freeman’s mind recently became a TGWTG contributor. Don’t forget Ross Scott. A truly great entertainer.

        • Jarin

          Rumor has it that Douchie was recently crowned their king.

          • Derek Thomas

            HAHAHHA.. That is gold. Dude.. that was hilarious.

  • Fueldrop

    I see that the moderators are hard at work. Thanks, guys.

  • Rarar

    “a human reads a book that’s supposedly written by a deity and commits genocide based on it’s teachings?”

    Not that I know of. Normally it is a state who takes offence to the idea that a book is considered a higher authority than them and decides to wipe out anyone who believes in it in order to create a secular utopia. A Century of Violence in Soviet Russia or any other reputable history of Communism would be a good start if you want to look this up.

    • dern

      There are plenty of examples, especially when the individual and the state are the same entity… think Joshua and Jericho for example. In the modern world though yes less so because the state and it’s leader tend not to be quite as linked.

    • SUPERSOUP

      Most dictators, communist or otherwise, sought to eliminate political opponents, not specifically religious people. But they recognize that religion can be used as a locus to organize resistance against them, as much as it can be used to indoctrinate citizens to mindlessly follow them. Despotic states love to establish religions, particularly places like North Korea, where a whacky comic-book style mythology in which the ruling elite are portrayed as gods hatched out of dragon’s eggs or some bullshit is hammered into the starving peasants’ faces from a young age.

      There have been plenty of genocidal acts committed in the name of religion as well. Such as the crusades or the holocaust. Being religious doesn’t make a person good anymore than being non-religious does. People are people.

      I’m surprised it took this long for someone to comment on that line.

      • Rarar

        I am amazed to find a person who thinks the Holocaust had a religious motive when the actual one was ‘genetic racial purity’. Hitler’s state was not by any means Christian even if it wasn’t atheist either.

        • Rarar

          You should be aware that the whole ‘cult of personality thing’ was a straight-up attempt to remove religion. The logic is pretty simple – “if they want to worship something, it should be us!”

        • SUPERSOUP

          http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2006/08/23/list-of-hitler-quotes-he-was-q/

          Mein Kampf, Hitler’s speeches and correspondence, and the SS belts reading ‘God With Us’ are a bit of an obstacle for people who claim that Nazism was an atheist regime or that it wasn’t Christian. Fascism is almost always wrapped up in ‘traditional’ values and strong religious faith.

          There are reports that privately Hitler disliked Christianity, but certainly the Nazi state was a Christian one. Modern-day Christians don’t have to account for it or anything, but religion is and always has been a convenient tool for the bourgeois to keep the proletariat under control.

          • ftidus12

            “the Nazi state was a Christian one”

            “We do not want any other god than Germany itself. It is essential to have fanatical faith and hope and love in and for Germany.”
            -Adolf Hitler, 1935

            France, 1940: ” I am thoroughly convinced that I have become more godlike than human…I am not bound by the conventions of human morality.”

            Traudl Junge, one of his private secretaries noted in 1942 that Hitler frequently made reference to his state as “a living god, a destined Messiah with a divine mission to save

            Germany from the incarnate evil of ‘International Jewry’… “

            Furthermore, his idea of god was as a force of destiny. That the creation of the German state, of his rise, of existence itself was a result of the cosmos serving him, rising from

            the desire (as he saw it) of the people to desire him as a leader.

            2. His belief in a deity was only as far as its manifestation through the Reich as a gestalt force arising from the collective will of the people, a force of destiny. An idea more in
            common with 16th century persian pagan religions.

            3. He saw himself as the messiah (not the “Jew from Nazareth”), he rejected all principles of Christianity (instead favoring 16th century star cults), he viewed himself as a god
            and destined master of humanity, with the only other comparable force as a semi-mindless manifestation of power whose only purpose was the fulfillment of his destiny.

            4. ““The Fuherer is deeply religious but deeply anti-Christian. He regards
            Christianity as a symptom of decay. Rightly so. It is a branch of the
            Jewish Race.”- Joseph Goebbels, 1943

            Hitler was religious…. if believing himself to be a divine entity worthy of worship counts.

            Read “The Psychopathic God” by Waite and “Selling Hitler” by Harris for more evidence like this.

            ” Look to the belts that read ‘God With Us'”

            Actually, that was a hold over since 1861, a cultural relic from the Prussian Empire and something that the German soldiers wore even during the First World War. After 1937,

            the move was made to begin changing the buckles (the SS belts already had “Ehre heißt Treue” and before the war was out much the Wehrmacht buckles had been switched

            to “Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit”, which was adopted as the official slogan worn on german police in 1962).

            “but religion just is a convenient tool for the bourgeois to keep the proletariat under control.”

            Hardly, as even a basic glance at the atrocities of 18th-21st centuries would show. Once a meta-narrative overtakes the suffering of others and the value of human life, when it

            over takes our empathy (especially in the pursuit of wealth and power), the same thing would occur in any arena.

            Your statement can also be said of ANY ideology (Secular or Religious) equally in the hands of the opportunistic and fanatical. You need only see the normally beautiful

            Humanistic ideals being twisted in the grip of the Jacobins during the Reign of Terror for that for a
            Secular version (it punished questioning, was used to bypass rational
            explanations, used a meta-narrative as ultimate authority etc).

            The Jacobins, the Khmer Rouge, the Stalinists, and their ilk. They meet your criteria as well (believing in the absolute rightness of their cause, the “unassailable paragon”

            narrative of their leadership and the meta-narrative in their literature).

            Furthermore, simply believing that a book is absolute does not make one a threat. Alhazen believed that the Quran was perfect. Was he a mad terrorist? No. He was one of

            the greatest polymaths of the 10th century, and one of greatest altruists the world has ever known. The same could be said millions of others. I personally don’t agree with

            absolutism, but I recognize that there is more to the creation of a monster than merely a text and an ideal. There must be a gain , a physical cause..

            A study of our history shows that humans go to war over matters which ensure material gain or survival against a destructive foe. Very human. Very grounded causes. There

            may
            be different after-the-fact claims, but what starts and maintains human
            conflicts is humans being humans.

            (I recommend Pape’s “Dying to Win” for a more complete treatment of this.)

            In the end, it isn’t the ideal or the book, it is the person using it.

          • Rarar

            I don’t consider the pharyngula blog a source (certainly not an unbiased one), that man is an absolute bigot and his followers are generally worse. Last time I was on there I felt literally sick reading some of their comments about what they would like to do to Christians.

            In any case, only a tiny minority of German soldiers (not the SS) wore those belt buckles, which have been around since about WW1. The SS wore a huge number of different buckles, and I have yet to find evidence the SS specifically wore of one which expressed a belief in God. Hitler’s speeches were about rallying support, so they had to have a religious note – this was a time when basically 100% of the population went to church. I did not say Nazism was atheist, but it certainly wasn’t Christian. It certainly did not act like a Christian organisation, they sent something like ten thousand priests to the camps and made a lot of Christian martyrs there. They did not hold to any recognisable Christian morals and were actively opposed to the idea of forgiveness, which is as fundamental to Christianity as God. That alone is far more compelling than a bunch of belt buckles. There is also the Nazi mysticism, which sought a ‘pure Aryan religion’ via the famous SS cult, which certainly wasn’t up to anything wholesome or Christian. And, failing that, the fact that Hitler planned to do away with Christianity altogether and start his own religion is a pretty big red flag! http://www.nytimes.com/2002/01/13/weekinreview/word-for-word-case-against-nazis-hitler-s-forces-planned-destroy-german.html

            Honestly, if belt-buckles that were around in WW1 printed with a saying that has hung around since the 17th century are the main thing people keep bringing up, then they really don’t have much of a case! Hitler may have given a bit of public lip-service to the majority Christian population, but behind their backs he was doing terrible things they wouldn’t have approved of.

            What I am saying is that this doesn’t make religion a tool of control any more than any other issue. Like guns in America, you sure as hell won’t get very far running for president if you even HINT that you MIGHT try to take people’s guns away, or introduce a socialist policy, or even one where you promise any kind of state interference. Likewise, running for PM in England on the platform of doing away with the NHS. These are not religious things, they are simply things that people feel exceptionally strongly about, so if you support them out load you win support, condemn them even slightly and that’s an automatic lose simply because people just won’t stand for it. And, honestly, we both know this – it’s not about religion, it’s about telling people what they want or expect to hear. Same as any politician, bourgeois or not.

      • Rarar

        “sought to eliminate political opponents, not specifically religious people”

        I still can’t get over just how dumb this sentence is. You are seriously saying that they didn’t smear churches with shit in Russia and start the League of The Militant Godless purely to wipe them out?

    • Truaaaa

      Aw, that’s just Spoonys religious intolerance that has been getting him in trouble, along with his rape jokes, gay jokes, racist jokes etc etc. Ignore it

      • doresh

        Except religious nutjobs are an actual thing :3

        • Truaaaa

          Um, ok? Are you that insecure you need to write things like that? There are more also nut job Atheist, I guess you could call them just nut jobs. If you’re ok with your life meaning less then a stick of gum at least don’t say stupid things like that, it comes off as if you’re saying it more too make yourself feel better about being Atheist.

          • DarkSaber2k

            Are you that insecure about your own beliefs you need to run around an internet comments section attacking people with opinions you find objectionable? (This is rhetorical by the way.)

          • Truaaaa

            I’ve, always been surprised how people say there attacking someone, when the comment that started it is right it front of them. Ignore the Atheist calling people nut jobs, the people on the defensive are the real bad guys. If Spoony can’t stand you guys I really doubt I can.

          • DarkSaber2k

            Yeah because in no way did you attack anyone before Doresh posted, right?

          • Truaaaa

            If I was attacking someone I would lement on how it seems on every idiotic comment there seems to be people gathering too share the collective stupidity with likes. Spoonys fans are well known for being up there as some of the biggest idiots of all time,Spoony can’t even stand them, and I was even proven right by the dislikes
            (Just like on FF XIII 2 when someone said Spoony is awesome but kinda wishes he would cut his hair, he got bombarded with dislikes). I have a forum account, as 9Cloud, started in 2007. When Everyone jumped ship you morons came as replacements.

          • DarkSaber2k

            I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a so-called “higher lifeform” that’s exhibited such an astonishing lack of self-awareness. Fascinating! And forum account does not equal “fan since”, just so you know. (If you MUST know, I’ve been here since his “The Thing” review.)

          • DarkSaber2k

            Yeah, 2007? About the time he released The Thing review? The review that got me following his work? Fancy that what a coincidence.

          • Truaaaa

            Notice how the whole time, besides the end, I didn’t specifically mention you, and yes what a coincidence, if you still have a forum account you should log out, there is literally only 4 people left that have accounts before 2010 thats still active, besides midnights group

          • Garmrspor

            You don’t need a “higher being” for life to have meaning, dipshit. There may be no objective purpose unless someone created the world, but that leaves all the more room for making your own. Some find meaning in a relationship, or in raising kids and furthering life. Others in creation of art, or even being a part of a fandom. Some spend their lives helping others, for the sole purpose of helping others. It is not meaningless because there is no reward beyond gratitude. Suggesting it is is disgusting.

          • Truaaaa

            Whatever helps you sleep at night

          • Derek Thomas

            I give you an upvote not because I agree with your position, which I don’t. But because of how eloquently and masterfully it was stated.

          • Garmrspor

            Cheers, good sir.

          • doresh

            Well, I wasn’t talking about ALL nutjobs.

            And what makes you think I’m Atheist? I might reveal the truth if you can answer that one :3

      • RobMcCune

        Really? Which religion was he being intolerant of?

        • Fueldrop

          The same one that I am, stupidism. It’s kind of a meta-religion when people do really dumb stuff in the name of their faith.

          Paradoxically, it also affects some atheists, who attack people wantonly for so much as considering the possibility of a higher being

    • Aiddon

      dude, not to pull rank here but considering that I’ve just come off a semester from a Religion and Violence course I can tell you that Spoony’s comment is pretty much true.

      • Derek Thomas

        Wow. The sheer fact something like that exists.. just.. wow. Holy krap. Talk about an ideological lens to teach people with. Where do you go to school? I’m seriously amazed. I am genuinely intrigued. Dumbstruck.

        • ftidus12

          Are you really that surprised? Colleges have always been chock full of classes like that: random focus classes designed to feed the egos of professors with pet projects and ideological bents (I suffered through a ‘Violence Through Media’ class, believe me I know the pain of dealing with such an instructor and their insanely myopic views), and line the wallets of the institution (of course).

          • Derek Thomas

            Violence in media does have a cumulative effect on society as a whole. It’s just common sense. But there is very little if any discernible or noticeable effect on individuals. Which is why all those studies about violent video games not having an effect on kids violent tendencies say what they say. But you can’t tell me there’s not a difference between a civilization that puts people to death in arenas (like the romans) and a society of peace-loving, love the earth, tofu-eating hippies.
            (I know you wouldn’t, but a lot of other people would.)
            These cultures develop from myriad influences. So it’s only natural if you sow violence into the culture through media, or any other concept for that matter, over the LONG term you’re going to see more and more of it. But it takes generations for this to happen.

          • ftidus12

            No, no, no. Look at the title again: “Violence THROUGH Media”. It was a class (supposedly) about political propaganda and mob manipulation. Sounds cool, right?

            It was…..up until she basically turned it into the Ayn Rand/Everything is men’s fault power hour. At first I thought she was putting on an act (you know…showing how a demagogue acts, how propagandistic meta-narratives arise, that sort of thing) for the purpose of teaching a class.

            Nope. Serious as a heart attack. Ergo, the ‘suffer through’ part of the earlier post.

            But I do agree with your post.

      • ftidus12

        Well, if we’re going to play that card, I hate to “pull rank” on you, Aiddon, but seeing as I have a minor in Cultural Anthropology and a masters degree in Psychology, I can tell you that his comment is pretty much false.

        Humans go to war over matters which ensure material gain or survival against a destructive foe. Very human. Very secular causes. There may be different after-the-fact claims, but what starts and maintains human conflicts is humans being humans.

        I recommend Pape’s “Dying to Win” .

    • Fueldrop

      I believe he’s referencing the crusades, along with various other attempts at ethnic cleansing supposedly over religion. Considering that in many instances the perpetrators gained substantial material wealth out of it as well, however, it’s less clear cut than it could be.

      Would mention another thing, but don’t want to invoke Godwin’s law.

      • Derek Thomas

        That thing you don’t want to mention wasn’t even about religion. The Jews were just a convenient scapegoat, as well as the current banking/merchant/financial upper class in Germany. And let’s not forget that he who shall not be named, promoted national SOCIALISM. It’s something we often forget. His movement had that theme that it was built on. So of course he’s going to target the “bourgois” and the “capitalist” class. Who, happened to be jews. He then played up the antisemitism that was already there.

        I’m a democratic socialist myself. So don’t think this is a screed against all forms of socialism. I’m just saying it actually makes total sense looking at it from a historical perspective.

        • SUPERSOUP

          Religion is rarely ever the sole justification for violence and oppression, it’s merely a massively convenient focus for it. Which is the crux of the problem with religions. Only the insane are motivated to commit acts of evil solely by religion, because religions are made-up stories, as all intelligent people ultimately realize. But they’re compelling made-up stories that provide easy non-answers to complicated questions, and therefore a more convenient way, if you’re a person in power, to encourage a population to accomplish your political objectives than taking the time to explain rationally what you want and dealing with the risk that people may not believe or agree with you.

          Islamic terrorism, for example, is almost never motivated (at least purely and in most cases not at all) by people’s interpretation of the will of Allah, it’s motivated by Western imperialist aggression. It’s political, not religious. And that’s the problem with religion (of any kind). It revolves around claims that are usually considered unfalsifiable, and can therefore be referred to as an ultimate authority when trying to convince people of something. I don’t consider organized religion useful to society. It should be studied and understood, but there’s no reason anyone should take its metaphysical claims seriously.

          Mind you, all this religious nonsense is actually very much apart from the question of whether gods exist. I’ve never seen any evidence to suggest that they do, but it’s far from settled. The answer simply seems unattainable at this time.

          • Derek Thomas

            I like you. I don’t agree with everything you wrote, but all of it is very intelligent.

          • ftidus12

            Most of the stuff you said here, I agree with wholeheartedly (and you did so in a very sharp manner, no less).

            Your statement can also be said of ANY ideology (Secular or Religious) equally in the hands of the opportunistic and fanatical. You need only see the normally beautiful Humanistic ideals being twisted in the grip of the Jacobins during the Reign of Terror for that for a Secular version (it punished questioning, was used to bypass rational explanations, used a meta-narrative as ultimate authority etc).

            In the end, it isn’t the ideal, it is the person using it.

            That’s said…

            , “….because religions are made-up stories, as all intelligent people ultimately realize.”

            Oh right…..because all these guys
            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Roman_Catholic_cleric%E2%80%93scientists

            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Muslim_scientists

            …and scores more, were all unintelligent, right? /rolls eyes.

            I had hoped our last chat would have given you a bit more pause before making such a silly, broad statement (especially since I never did receive a response from you. Leaving a brother hanging? That’s cold).

            *sigh*

            Oh well. Nice comment anyway.

          • SUPERSOUP

            I did in fact respond to you many months ago via email, and never received a reply. Send me another message and I’ll be glad to forward my response. Maybe you can think up some new adorable little girls names/variations on soups to call me while you think up new ways to effectively lie for Jesus.

            By the way, intelligent religious people exist now and have always existed, but most of them have given so much theological ground in terms of literalist interpretations of the bible that it doesn’t matter, and the ones who haven’t simply don’t use their analytical abilities to question the metaphysical claims of their religion.

            I agree that ideologies can all be twisted, but only religious ideologies rely on acceptance of unfalsifiable assumptions, making them particularly dangerous. I’m not only talking about Christianity here.

            But please email me. We don’t need to shit up another one of Spoony’s comment sections.

          • ftidus12

            Never got a response. I’ll try again…

            “Maybe you can think up some new adorable little girls names/variations
            on soups to call me while you think up new ways

            Hey if the shoe fits, wear it, duchess.

            “…to effectively lie for
            Jesus.”

            Oh right….

            You know since I was the only one who cited sources, or used
            scholars, or actually quoted the material and used individuals who, most of which, weren’t evil religious (many of whom were actively hostile to Christianity), I must lying. Oh yes! All of academia is a conspiracy to make you look like a doofus.

            Oh please. Don’t even try that bullshit, princess. You were CAUGHT lying over and over again. In fact, you were the only one lying in the chat.

            Get over yourself.

            “…literalist interpretations of the bible that it doesn’t matter, and the
            ones who haven’t simply don’t use their analytical abilities to question
            the metaphysical claims of their religion.”

            Even though I proved you wrong on this count over and over a gain?

            Even though I showed how religious scientists have questioned their views?

            Even though I showed that the ones lacking analytical abilities were a few wackjob fundies (like you)?

            You live in a dream world, don’t you, precious?

            “I agree that ideologies can all be twisted, but only religious
            ideologies rely on acceptance of unfalsifiable assumptions, making them
            particularly dangerous. I’m not only talking about Christianity here.”

            Oh really? Tell that to the Jacobins, the Khmer Rouge, the Stalinists, and their ilk.

            Your grasp of history is as flimsy as I remember it.

            But you are right on one score: we should take this to email.

          • SUPERSOUP

            God, you’re adorable. Please, please email me.

          • ftidus12

            Will do

      • Rarar

        The Crusades aren’t a clear-cut example of a religious war. At the beginning the Arab side had Christian allies (and a hell of a lot of Christian people in the countries they ruled) and the European side had Muslim allies. The only reason it got divided into along religious lines is because in the second crusade a general decided that they could get rich if they raided Damascus (a friendly Muslim city). Indeed, there was a 400 year period before the Crusades when the Arabs were just invading Christian countries and not really making much effort to convert anyone. Europe didn’t realise what a huge problem they were until they had conquered Spain and half of Italy. If you want to call it a religious war you have to understand that there was a lot of Muslim vs Muslim and Christian vs Christian infighting, particularly with the Arabs who formed a Caliphate then let it stagnate until it broke apart into smaller countries. The Crusades weren’t a religious war, they were a straight up boarder war – the only difference a lack of religion would have made is to the terminology. That and maybe the Arabs would have conquered all of Europe without the Pope to launch that rallying cry.

  • Pearse Hillock

    Retard mc retard, how do you always continue to mess up.

    http://spoonyonesucks.blogspot.com/2013/12/final-fantasy-xiii-part-5.html

    • SUPERSOUP

      Dude, can you just masturbate to Spoony in your own time and keep it out of our faces?

  • endplanets

    In the new intro we see

    1) Character sheet for Tandem the Spoony

    2) Peter piper pizza box from behind a toilet, Vegan Steve’s vegan algae food, and the VOID card from the Deck of Many Things that killed the annoying player who screwed the party.

    3) The Semtex paper bombs and the countdown papers that go with it.

    Skip a few,

    Spoony drinking andcrying with Miles while Skyping with Linkara over some movie. Related to the next slide where he “Releases the Kraken”

    At random:
    We see the Beast Master paining his tiger with black paint (which kills him), The Avatar looking up what a Paladin is, the Skeleton with “Beware the Sacralige”, Rebruary where Spoony is carrying “a lot more hemp” and shooting the super minigun magazine fed rifle, with Yor and Ator hang gliding alongside a Captain America shield.

    In “the fans” part we see whats his face doing the elbow drop again.

    A bathtub of Minority Report red balls

    • Fueldrop

      Yup, the new intro is pretty epic. Good on Spoony for mixing things up, good on the animator for doing such excellent work.

  • Martin Markov

    Let’s do this shit!!!!
    *20 minutes later*
    BEST! ENDING! EVER!

  • Charles Wagner

    “What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK!?”, That bit near the end made me rip my pants with weeping laughter.

    I found it doubly funny that Spoony recognized Barthandelus’ voice, because months before watching this I watched 3/4ths of FF13’s cutscenes, and had the exact same reaction before I realized that Hope is voiced by Vincent Martella, the voice of Phineas from Phineas and Ferb. I didn’t really notice until I heard Hope’s child voice before Hope attacked Snow.

    Anybody else surprised by a particular voice actor from FF13?

  • endplanets

    I am very happy that Spoony noticed that Reynolds was in this game. Yea it was something that he obviously would have known and some commentors already mentioned it, and it was somewhat foreshadowed with Spoony doing more SWAT 4 vids for no reason other than to get the new fans (well,what 4 years) up to date.

    And I am extremely happy that Spoony talked about the main characters being so stupid they are basically evil and Raine is a good guy.

    If someone strapped C4 to me and was told they would remove it if I sank a boat of orphans I would not do it. I would leave a good bye note, grab a book and then walk into the woods. Only Jason Vorhees would actually go sink the boat.

    And this game really is the WORST written game I have ever seen. Serious Sam The Second Encounter has the developers (no really) show up in Santa’s sleigh and shoot down Sam’s ship forcing him to fight his way to a new ship (AKA, the whole bloody game). But that made more sense because you kinda guess that Sam would have blown up his own ship by accident or for fun.

    • DarkSaber2k

      Assuming I was given the tools to achieve it, I would sink the boat. Nice try at a “No True Scotsman” fallacy though.

    • Daniel Tilson

      You know what? No one can truly say for certain what they would do in that situation unless they have been in that situation, and in that case, if they can say what they would do, either they sank the boat, the C4 was fake, or they found a way to beat the system.

      Personally? I believe I would sink the boat, because most orphans are survivors, and will figure out how to swim if they don’t already know, but it is impossible to figure out how to survive exploding.

      • Fueldrop

        Yeah, it’s a tough one.
        That isn’t the choice here.
        The choice here is either you sink the boat, then get thrown into a sensory deprivation chamber until the guy wants you to sink another boat, or you get turned into a zombie while possibly retaining your awareness. Success just means you get taken for granite until they have another job for you. I’d consider that a fate worse than death, so if anything I’d view success a worse fate than failure, and both worse fates than blowing my own brains out.

        Taking a third option is a long-standing tradition for heroes, and in this instance as I understand it it’s particularly attractive.

        • The_Hyphenator

          Actually, the choice is even more stark than that, since if the characters played along with Barthandelus and destroyed Cocoon, they would be transformed into crystal and presumably be destroyed right along with it, either by being consumed in a fiery explosion, shattered by shrapnel, or smashed in the miles-long fall to the surface of Gran Pulse.

          As Spoony points out, the choice boils down to “kill your world and die in the process, or spare your world and only you die.” It really just goes to show what selfish, unlikeable assholes the main characters of FFXIII are that they entertain the first option for even a second, since there is absolutely no benefit to following their orders.

          • Fueldrop

            I invoke Hanlon’s razor: Never attribute to malice what can equally be attributed to stupidity… at least not the first time.

            In other words, the protagonists aren’t evil, they’re stupid.

        • Daniel Tilson

          Given that particular choice, I would choose to flip him the bird (no, not the Afrocobo) and walk away, or grab him in a full nelson and make myself explode whether it would kill him or not. Because I really don’t think I’d enjoy the taste of brains.

      • Zefram Mann

        You don’t wanna die, but you don’t know how to take a life. They will kill you, and take it anyway. Give it to me, you can tell ‘em I took it by force. Give it to me, and I’ll do what you shoulda did ten minutes ago.

        • Cuvis

          I love that scene, especially since it wildly subverts the expectations you’d have as to exactly what he’d do.

      • Derek Thomas

        I’d hug the guy who placed it on me and dare him to pull the trigger. That or just have fun with it. Think of creative ways to go out. Cause it’s obvious the boat full of orphans is not an option.

    • Jonesy89CFPD

      The problem is that the situation isn’t equivalent to what is going on in the game; in your scenario, either you or the orphans are dying, while in the game, the protagonists are dying no matter what. It’d be more like the person telling you that they wouldn’t kill you if you sank the orphans, but that the blast radius of the bomb on the hull would kill you as well; either way, you die, so you have no incentive to do anything other than sit back and die (assuming that no other options are available). At least in your scenario, there is the possibility that someone will be motivated to sink the boat to save themselves.

      That’s what kills me about this: there is no dilemma. The characters can either do nothing and die while sparing the world, or they can act like good little drones and die while killing everyone. As far as using the threat of death as leverage to get someone to do your bidding goes, this critically misses the point.

      Contrast that with something else other people have brought up, The Dark Knight’s portrayal of the prisoner dilemma, where your choice is to do nothing and die, sink the other boat and live (assuming that both do’t sink each other), or try to escape and die. Setting aside the very real possibility that the Joker lied to them and that hitting the button would have blown up the boat that chose to do so (hell, that’s similar to what he pulled with Dent and Rachel), there is an incentive for the people to do something that they find deplorable, namely saving their own skins. If Mr. J had told that them that they would die regardless of what they did, then there is no reason for them to do anything at all.

  • XellDincht

    even if someone manage to explain the confusing story this game still sucks because the gameplay (run through the hallway ) is terrible

    You know, the good thing about FF8 is that you can fill the logic void with your own theories (like Squall died when Edea through the ice thing at him, Rinoa became Artemesia in the future and so on) In FF13 everything is explained in the data logs

    • SeanMcTiernan

      Here’s how battle works in XIII:

      Throw Libra, then let your guys win the fight, move on to the next one.

      Bosses: Throw Libra, maybe do a quick job switch, let your guys win the fight, move on to the next one.

  • Shinobi-San

    Did I just… find worse writing… than the Mass Effect 3 ending?

    Wow.

    • Fueldrop

      My friend, if you believe that Mass Effect 3’s rushed and poorly written ending was the worst writing out there, you have been living a sheltered life. It’s not even the worst ending to a long-running series, and that’s just in video games (See Spoony’s review of Ultima 9 if you want a bad video game series finale). If you’re willing to extend your media outside of the interactive an have a taste for the godawful, allow me to point you towards The Dreamers, a series by acclaimed writer David Eddings (may he rest in peace) towards the end of his career.

      Spoiler:

      The ending retcons all 4 of the terribly written books in the series, makes no internal sense, creates several paradoxes, and assures us that it’s a happy ending regardless of what logically would have followed based on initial character portrayals and the elements retroactively removed. That series is bad enough for me to not want Spoony to review it as he’s suffered enough.

      • Jarin

        See, the problem with ME3 isn’t that it’s the worst ending ever; as you say, there’s far worse objective writing. The difference is, that’s typically attached to very bad games, and series that had been going downhill. ME3 was still really damn good up until the last… oh, 30 minutes or so. I think it probably has the highest contrast between quality of the majority of the game [series] and the ending.

        • SeanMcTiernan

          Yeah, it was damn near perfect coming up to the last half-hour, and then they just pitched it off a cliff. What made it worse was the “It’s art” defense of the ending, like people had no right to be outraged by an ending that completely disregarded continuity from even just during that game, let alone the rest of the series.

          I could only imagine the rage that spoony would’ve felt at hitting that ending, when the God-Child reveals the whole “synthetics will always kill organics” argument, while the Geth are busy helping to save everyone’s bacon alongside the Krogans that they were once bitter enemies with. He’s so into consistent continuity, and paying attention to the details, that it must’ve been like running head first into a brick wall.

  • M. Météo

    You know what would be cool, a spoony trash giveaway, for charity, just sayin

    • Daniel Tilson

      I highly doubt he would really throw away Call of C’thulu.

      Maybe Pumpkinhead though. He didn’t like that one at all.

      • Vader the White

        That’s the d20 Cthulhu. And Spoony said that if there was any game that shouldn’t be d20, it’s Call of Cthulhu.

        • Daniel Tilson

          True, but it still has stuff he could use in any other d20 game, so I doubt he’d toss it.

          • Vader the White

            It was most likely a joke, anyway.

          • Daniel Tilson

            Of course it was.

      • Derek Thomas

        Pumpkinhead is his favorite game of all time. In fact, I suggest we mail him all the pumpkinhead memorabilia we can find.

  • dragonfly82

    Nice to hear from you Spoony, it’s been a while….LMAO at the ending.

    this game is so unbelievably bad that it’s not even worth to use as a paperweight,
    it’s kinda sad seeing what FF has become as of late, Toriyama really has sunk the franchise with all these crappy FFXIII games….

  • Fueldrop

    I’ve been reflecting on it and it’s actually rather sad.
    They say that everyone has a story to tell. This was someone’s story. They aimed high. They wanted to touch millions with their inspired imaginings.
    Maybe executives cut it to ribbons. Maybe he simply picked the wrong medium to express his work. Maybe it was just a piece of rubbish from the word go. In the end that doesn’t matter as someone, somewhere put their all into this. Look at the sheer number of datalogs. This was someone’s masterpiece.

    And it’s crap, and that’s really sad. I could sort of see this working better in the form of a book, where the need to follow a straight path with the characters acting exactly as the story dictates isn’t a flaw. Maybe even as a graphic novel to take advantage of the beautiful landscapes. Either way, a video game is not the right medium for this story to be told as shown to us by our revered Spoony one.

    • Steven Youkhana

      Way to go man now I feel bad! You do have a point though, for all we know, they were trying to be inspiring but people just craped all over it.

      • Marko Fithian

        Yeah but even in other mediums characters should stick to their, you know, character. Having characters do stuff that wouldn’t normally be in their nature just for the sake of the story is just as bad in books as it is in video games.

      • Atmos_Duality

        Blame Toriyama.
        FF13 is the product of his warped “vision” for what he thinks the medium of gaming should be.

        In his mind, it should be a sightseeing tour of overblown, pretty rendered images with minimal player agency strapped to a story full of ludo-narrative dissonance and pretentious symbolism instead of relatable characters with clear, reasonable goals.

        As a game, FF13 is one of the very WORST examples I’ve seen.

    • B N

      It’s true that you can really see redeemable, sometimes even downright inspired ideas in this story, There were GAPING plot holes, but the concept itself could’ve been cool.

      You have the two worlds,
      One bound by brutal law and order at any cost. It’s harsh, it’s enslaving, and it’s even downright cruel at times, but compared to the other world, it’s safe, protected, and well-maintained.
      Then you have a world racked with chaos and disorder. Wild, untamed and constantly uncertain, but its inhabitants are free to live as they wish.
      Which one would you choose; freedom and constant danger, or peace and constant tyranny? This could’ve have been a great moment where the player must choose between law or chaos, and then could’ve seen the characters living with the consequences of their choice. Well, along comes FF13 to piss away any moral or ethical dilemma.

      A race of being that transcend human thought, and who’s actions are beyond mortal understanding, and who care nothing for the plight of humans? Brainwashing, enslaving, and forcing humans to do their will with no regard for their personal feelings, and then screwing them over even if they obey? Very Lovecraftian, and really interesting. This same hyper-evolved race deciding that instead of meeting God after death, they will build a proverbial “Tower of Babel” up to him, at the cost of billions of human lives? These beings, despite their transcendent nature, are still vulnerable to the sin of pride, thinking they are good enough to stand on equal footing with the God who made them? Fascinating, or it would be, if only they had properly explained it. Yeah, there were some real nonsensical problems with their plan because it was so horribly executed, but it’s a tried and true story concept that could have had a great spin on it’s religious themes with the whole sci-fi hyper technology setting.

      But I guess the path of failure is paved with “could have”s.

      • TomJackson1

        Actually that whole “living under a tyrannical, but secure, government vs. living in a very dangerous world but with much more independence and choice” moral choice was done pretty well in another sci-fi video game I played recently—–Fallout: New Vegas. That game did what I’m guessing FF13 was trying to and portrayed various forms of societies and how they try to make it in a post-apocolyptic world.

        -You have a revival/renewal of the old American democratic Government where citizens are provided at least some security but can elect their leaders and choose and re-choose the course of their society, even if that indirectly leads to issues of security, corruption, and a lack of a common-guiding will.

        -You have a tyrannical slaver-raiding Government where its citizens have little to no say in the direction the Government is taking, abominable acts like slavery and extreme misogyny are common place, and where all of the power-and descision-making is consolidated into the Dictator and his inner-council. Despite all of this, the game makes it very clear that safety, and stability under the Legion is absolutely guaranteed, and no form of corruption(except the standing Dictator himself, of course) is tolerated.

        -You even have a third society——-a despotic revival of pre-Nuclear War America, governed under the watchful eye of a CEO of a massive pre-War robotics corporation. Under the eye of a mysterious despot who has survived the Nuclear War and the following two chaotic centuries of humanity rebuilding what it lost, his society would reflect a Corporatist dictatorship(that heavily encourages largely unregulated trade and businesses to come—AKA capitalism)—–and a society, and CEO/Leader, that despite being a control freak and assumed megalomaniac, would largely stay out of the lives of its individual “employees” and “customers” and can easily guarantee the safety and security that America 2.0 still lacks (and the tyrannical Government has but at a great price).

        And the great thing about how Fallout: New Vegas handles this is that each of these societies are totally justified. Like Gran Pulse, the Fallout world is scarred by war and is afflicted with countless dangers——if it’s not the residual radiation contaminating drinking water, or the roving bands of psychotic raiders, or vicious psychotic mutants and mutated predators roving the wastes, it’s always something else. The brutality of the slaver tyranny is justified in that, through all of the evils the irradiated Fallout-world threat at them, they carved out a stable and secure society for their citizens. Despite being viewed as a revival of a failed Pre-War country, the citizens of America 2.0 put their hearts and ambitions into carving a better future for all of their society, and in the importance of Democracy and looking forward—-gradually irradicating the dangers of the wasteland and carving out, and spreading, one of the only civilized and democratic Governments into the wasteland. Lastly, even the corporatist society that treats its citizens like employees and costumers is governed by an aware and pragmatic despot, who only wants to drag humanity out of the savage-post-apoclyptic ways and raise them up to the way humanity, and society, was before the war.

        I guess what I’m trying to say is that Fallout: New Vegas seemed to do what FF13 tried to do, and make it work—–morally grey arguments and all. It’s just a shame the creators of FF13 didn’t try to paint both the protagonists and the antagonist with a more morally-grey brush and didn’t put more time into developing their world. Because it’s very hard for me to stomach a game(FF13) whose’s “HAPPY” ending( as Noah will get to) involves the countless deaths of many, many innocent civilians of Cacoon, (and which the game treats as a *HAPPY* ending because the big-bad tyrannical Government is gone!)

        • Baló Timár

          New Vegas also did well at connecting story and gameplay:
          1. You meet each faction early in the game and see what their agenda is and how they go about it. You may also hear things about them from a lot of NPCs, a curious player is rewarded with interesting content.
          2. The game gives you plenty of time to decide who you want to support, hell, if you change your mind, you can even turn on your allies at the last second!

          3. The ending is also well-done, showing how your actions affected each community, faction or individual. Again, the more time and effort you put into your playthrough, the better will it end for a lot of characters in the game.

          • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

            The ending slideshow in New Vegas is something I’ve always wanted to see more of in games: evidence that you are actually IMPORTANT in the damn game by showing the results and consequences of your actions, preferably in a way that isn’t blatantly “good” or “bad” or other such black & white nonsense.

            Even just seeing who appears in the final battle makes you feel a *direct and personal* connection and impact in the game’s setting because you know that it’s because of *you* that these people are even there . When that bomber flew over the battlefield, I couldn’t help but give it a strong salute and feel like I did the right thing. Whether the faction I sided with (NCR) was “the right one” or not is irrelevant; it’s not about right or wrong, it’s about being allowed to make choices based on your personal beliefs or preferences…even if it means squashing those who hold other beliefs (and here we are back at the Baby Orc morality test).

            And some of my actions were NOT “the right thing”, such as my own sentimentality having horrible, unintended consequences on Lily’s psychotic, schizophrenic rages. Good intentions resulting in horrible consequences that trigger a strong emotional response, THIS is what we need! What we don’t need is a horribly linear “Roll Playing” Game plagued with scripted events giving little to no emphasis on forging a connection between the game itself and the person playing it, and focusing more on plastic mannequin-looking stock characters running around playing grabass within a story stuffed with more filler than the chilli at Wendy’s.

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            Not that that’s anything new, as the original Fallout series did the same thing. Unfortunately, when they did it, some of the endings were bugged and would never trigger. Also, the first game had one egregious instance of dumbing down the consequences of the player’s actions with regards to what happened in a place called Junktown, where originially supporting the “good” leader of the city resulted in harsh frontier justice being practiced in the town, complete with public hangings and display of the bodies, and supporting the “evil” casino running crime boss resulted in the place becoming a booming trade town.

            To quote the Fallout wiki, “The initial design for Junktown called for the ending cards of the city to be reversed. Specifically, if the player sided with Killian Darkwater, then Killian’s firm “frontier justice” would discourage traders and merchants from starting businesses in the area, leaving the city a small shanty town. If the player sided with Gizmo, then the resulting prosperity brought in by Gizmo’s casino led to the city becoming a new boom town. Ultimately, it was decided that this mixed message was unsatisfying because it meant that the expected results (a “good” ending for supporting Killian and the law, versus an “evil” ending for supporting Gizmo and his criminal enterprises) did not match the player’s actions. The ending was subsequently changed so that supporting Killian led the town to prosper with law and order, while supporting Gizmo turned the town into a seedy den of iniquity.”

            Personally, I’m not too much of a fan of ending narration of this kind, as it breaks the rule of “show, don’t tell” firmly over its knee, but it was the best way they had to get the various endings across that I am aware of, so the resulting change to get rid of any moral greyness that could have made for major food for thought peeved me.

    • The_Hyphenator

      The really sad part is, it’s easy to see how this story could have been good. The concept has a lot of potential; people made into slaves by a god, given incredible power and forced to do its bidding and destroy everything they hold dear or suffer a fate worse than death, on the run from the military and branded outcasts from their society.

      But the execution is horrible. The characters are almost universally unlikeable (Sazh and Fang are the only characters that are at all redeemable, but even they kind of suck), the plot is full of incredibly obvious holes, the pacing is atrocious, the character motivation is nonexistent, and key information is stored away in a glorified Wikipedia rather than explained in the context of the story. And that’s not even touching on the god-awful game design choices that plague the game…

      • Daniel Tilson

        Easiest way to fix the game, in three steps.

        Step 1:Have Darth Reynolds pretend to be good. Have him tell the characters that Orphan is going to destroy the world. It wouldn’t even be a lie! It just wouldn’t be meant the way it was said.

        Step 2: Blow up the damned hallway and let people explore the pretty world.

        Step 3: Have Hope actually stab Snow one of the times they’re standing around. (In the shoulder or somewhere else non-fatal works. They have healing magic, he’ll be fine) You blame the dude for your mom dying you annoying brat! Actually try to kill him!

        • The_Hyphenator

          Those alone wouldn’t be enough. You still have the gaping plot hole about the Fal’cie not being able to talk (except when they can). The story structure is still terrible, riddled with flashbacks and robs several emotional moments of any potential impact, not to mention the fact that it’s meandering and aimless (for a game that literally railroads its player, this is truly impressive).

          The world, despite being fleshed out in the Crystalpedia, is not built out in the actual story, rendering all the pretty scenery completely meaningless due to lack of context. The main characters are almost universally loathesome (particularly the “main character,” Lightning), and the side characters are almost universally pointless and serve no function in the overall plot. And the story structure relies on deus ex machina at every turn, then tries to claim it’s all part of some grand conspiracy, despite that making absolutely no sense.

          No amount of edits or re-writes could fix FFXIII’s story. As Spoony rightly points out, this is the worst writing I’ve ever seen in a video game, and it’s some of the worst writing I’ve ever seen, period. It’s on par with Twilight in terms of its ineptitude, and there aren’t many stories I can say that about. The whole thing would basically need to be scrapped and re-written from the start by a much better writer to have any hope of success.

          • Daniel Tilson

            The story could be fixed, but the medium would need to be drastically changed.

            Start with those three steps, integrate the important datalogs into the actual plot instead of just tucking them in on the side, and for fuck’s sake explain what the hell a l’cie is before you reveal that we’re supposed to be releaved that afroman is not one of them!

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            Hell, I could even see them revealing that later on and just having to be content with knowing that whatever it is, it can’t be good. It would beat never explaining it in the plot at all and shoving it into a journal entry.

        • Vismutti

          Just wanted to point out that I like “Darth Reynolds”. Also you have a good point about him.

        • KoeL

          Step 4: Make it really interesting by telling them with CLEAR CUT INSTRUCTIONS what to do, basicly Falcie Anima (the one who slaved them) tell them .. SEE THIS THING ON THE AIR..YEAH ..GO BRING THE PLANET DOWN,,wondering around, endlessly grinding, go there to see what that is could be excused for simply them not knowing what to do..how the F even with this strength can you bring a planet down unless you get some epiphany or something and pretty much tell them that like Vanille who IS already a Lacie there is no point on suicide or ignoring it because it wil simply jump to someone around like your kid zash became a lacie then serah then you guyz….

  • http://youtube.com/axelhander Carlos Alexandre

    With my luck Toriyama will be put in charge of FF6-2. As if Dissidia didn’t destroy Terra enough…

    • Sylveria Shini

      If the massive fall-off in sales of 13 to 13-2 and from 13-2 to 13-3 are telling us anything, people have stopped buying in to Toriyama’s fanfic quality writing as readily.

      • ctge33

        Except, most importantly, Square Enix.

      • doresh

        The funny thing is that the retailers weren’t surprised by Lightning Returns’ poor sales.

        • Martin Markov

          Wait Lightning Returns is already out? I thought it was going to come out next year. I need to check this.
          *five minutes later*
          Well it hasn’t come out in the US yet so I’m not sure if the sales will remain poor. I certainly hope so as I don’t think the universe can handle another one of these video game-shaped crimes against coherent reality.

          • doresh

            If XIII-2 is any indication, then the consumer’s tiredness of this sub-franchise is international. It will probably still sell 1+ million copies, but it will be a noticable dip from its predecessor.

    • Mr. RHC

      That would be some really really bad Karma, I hope you can avoid your focus!

    • Derek Thomas

      WAIT. THEY’RE MAKING A FF6-2????? A SEQUEL TO FFVI??

      • http://youtube.com/axelhander Carlos Alexandre

        No. And I wouldn’t want them to.

  • Gabriel Langevin

    Best ending period!

  • Gerardo Vazquez

    Square Enix: Complains that it would take too much time and money to remake FF7. Proceeds to make a franchise out of this piece of shit over the course of 3 years.

    • doresh

      That’s because FF7 has actual content, not just shiny graphics :3

      • Daniel Tilson

        If they remade 7, I might actually play it.

        Normally, I don’t care about how good or bad graphics are… But that game gives me a headache trying to play through it. the weird proportions, the pointy bits on things that shouldn’t be pointy… >.<

        Make the game as pretty as everyone says the story is, and I will play the shit out of it.

        • Derek Thomas

          Are you kidding? What story? I’ve half way through it and can’t even tell there’s a plot beyond, gotta find sephiroth because “Why, again?”
          I get that life energy and stuff is being drained by the Mako reactors. Anndd.. we’re trying to stop sephiroth.. why?

          Sepiroth didn’t drop the giant plate on an entire slum. Sepiroth isn’t sucking the planet dry to make energy, which makes no sense to begin with since Shinra has no competitors, so why even try to be the best corporation. And if one did pop up, they’d no doubt send soldiers to shut it down.

          The entire plot of final fantasy 7 is a joke the minute you start thinking about it half way hard. I’ve never understood why it’s so many people’s favorite. 6 was far far far superior.

          • Daniel Tilson

            I thought Shinra WAS the early enemy in 7…. and Sephiroth came in later…

          • Derek Thomas

            The way I see it, Shinra is the only villain. Sephiroth wouldn’t exist without them, and he could probably be appeased by destroying them all. I don’t see why the heroes don’t just team up with sephiroth and lay waste to Shinra.

          • Daniel Tilson

            Oh! I know this one!

            Because he’s an asshole, and he killed Aeris.

            Also because he wants to be back inside his mommy… Or to have his mommy inside of him… Icky creepy thoughts go away please…

          • ftidus12

            ….sigh.

            Hand me the brain bleach, won’t you?

          • doresh

            Jenova: “What’s the matter? Don’t you want to be inside me?”

            Though I think the OTHER pretty asshole who wanted to bring back the original pretty asshole by shoving his melting(?) mother’s head into his stomach seems to be a bit more icky…

          • Daniel Tilson

            So much ick, so little time….

          • doresh

            Sephiroth appearad because the law of anime storytelling demands that the main villain has to be prettier than the protagonist.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Sephiroth’s end motivation is quite blunt and simple.
            But how he arrived at that point, is somewhat confusing but not actually broken in a narrative sense.

            He learned a half truth about himself, fed his misconception with more misinformation, went on an insane self-righteous crusade against the nearest normal folks, and was defeated shortly thereafter; getting tossed half-dead into the Lifestream.

            Had he known the whole truth, and not just what he assumed prior to going nuts, I doubt he would have killed an entire town. If anyone, he would have probably gone after Hojo, who is responsible for his creation, and literally to blame for most of the plot of FF7 along with Jenova.

            (Shinra is evil, but nothing so catastrophic would have happened without Hojo and Jenova being batshit evil.)

            After Sephiroth’s fall in Nibelheim, he basically adopts Jenova’s old goals and uses her methods to attain them.

            So for all practical purposes, from that point forward Jenova and Sephiroth are the same entity.

            Ultimately, Sephiroth is just another Kefka; crazy and lusting for power, only without any of the black humor and “killer clown” personality. And to Kefka’s credit; he actually succeeded in his evil plan.

            Oh, as for the sudden shift in the plot from “Vs Shinra” to “Vs Sephiroth”…it’s because Cloud is Jenova’s puppet.

            That’s not my interpretation either, the game flat out tells the player that. That whole “Jenova Reunion” thing is involved, since Hojo shot Cloud up with Jenova Cells just to see what would happen.

          • Joseph Raymond Ortiz

            I thought the story was pretty cool. It left alot to imagination as well.

          • Cuvis

            The plot to FF7 is remarkably similar to that of FF6 in the outline. You start off as rebels against an evil (empire/corporation) that seeks to take over the world, until one of the (empire/corporation)’s super-soldiers goes totally fucking nuts and decides to destroy the world, at which point your focus goes towards stopping the nutso super-soldier.

          • Derek Thomas

            But Final Fantasy 6 was better.

          • Cuvis

            True, but I was just trying to point out that 7 isn’t so hard to understand. Compared to the goddamn messes that came afterwards, it was practically Dick and Jane.

          • azrael_chaos

            They didn’t just drop their opposition to Shinra. After they escaped confinement within Shinra headquarters they were basically chased out of Midgar, and stuck out there.

            From there, they couldn’t really get back at Shinra. Besides that, the head of Shinra was just murdered. So in the nearest town, Cloud explains what he knows/remembers about Sephiroth. Relevant part is we’ve got this elite SOLDIER turned psycho who can destroy a town solo, who by all accounts should be dead, now apparently up and murdering again with an alien creature, also considered dangerous, in tow. For the time being, putting Shinra (who they can’t get to) on the backburner to see what this dude is up to sort of makes sense.

            For personal motivations, Sephiroth killed both Cloud and Tifa’s parents/friends/neighbors and burned their town so there’s a personal vendetta for 2 out of the 5 group members there. Aeris and Red XIII may not have this revealed at first, but are both of cultures that would have a problem with Sephiroth, Jenova, and their plans besides owing Cloud and Tifa for their previous help. At that initial point, Barrett’s just along for the ride, really. I mean, AVALANCHE is kaput except for Cloud and Tifa. He also owes Aeris for getting Marlene out of sector 7 before the plate-drop. So pursuing Sephiroth seemed like a decent plan for the time being. Besides, he clearly had a connection to Shinra, so pursuit of one didn’t necessarily leave out the other.

            In their pursuit of him, Sephy does more murdering and Jenova attacks directly, sort of confirming suspicions of the danger they pose, pushing him further up in priority. So they continue investigation and pursuit. Eventually, definitely BEFORE the halfway point of the game, Sephiroth basically reveals a plan to destroy the effin world, which definitively places him as a more important target than Shinra, who while being dicks, ironically do their best to prevent the world’s destruction when it’s something immediately threatening like a WMD (as opposed to slowly sapping energy like they were doing).

            As for why sephiroth did it, other comments before mine explained. Things continue to be explained and revealed throughout the rest of FF7 the game so I wouldn’t write it off at the half way point. Technically, while misguided, Sephiroth’s reasoning is better than Kefka’s, which is basically…he’s a psycho clown dude on a power trip. I mean, I love him as a villain for that. He’s the final fantasy Joker. But yeah, motive lacking.

          • ftidus12

            Eh. Call me old-fashioned, but sometimes it is refreshing to have a villain whose mission statement is: I am completely out of my gourd and I want to kill people in hilarious ways while dressed like something out of a ren-fest nightmare.

          • Derek Thomas

            Kefka didn’t lack motives. Did you forget he was the first magitek knight? And it went bad. Like real bad. That’s why he’s so crazy. It’s like the worst kind of insane asylum experimentation times 20.

            And kefka is beautiful in a dark and twisted kind of way. His nihilism is based on the fact no one ever loved him. Most people feel this way once in a while and have no idea what that’s really like. But for Kefka it was really true. He was an orphan before he was brought up and trained by Gestahl and then used by his adoptive guardian of sorts (Gestahl) in cruel magiteck experiments.

            He’s nihilistic because he doesn’t believe in love. He’s never seen it. And it’s something the TRUE outcasts of the world can relate to.

            To kefka, it’s not just about power. It’s about the ultimate vindication of every wrong he’s ever received, of every slight, of every neglect and of every failed promise of love, hope or any of that stuff he’s heard his whole life but NEVER seen. And this is in addition to the messed up brain he now has from the magiteck experiments.

            Kefka totally has all the reasons in the world to want to become a god. He’s free from needing people, can embrace his comfortable solitude more fully, and can live his philosophy which he came to love through necessity to the fullest. The destruction is just what he does for fun. His real problems are more like what I described above.

        • doresh

          Isn’t there a mod for the PC version that gives the graphics a MAJOR makeover?

          And it is my little conspiracy theory that Squeenix is keeping such a remake in reserve as a last-ditch effort when their business practices have made them almost bancrupt, trying to cash in on the immense hype surrounding the title.

          Then they released a buggy PC re-release and I remembered why I lost all hope with that company <_<

      • Rakkrakk

        FF7 is just “meh” to me. Played 6 hours and just could not get into it. FF4 through 6 however were great from the starting point. :D

        • doresh

          I’m personally torn between 5 (class system) and 6 (story) in terms of my favorite entry.

          Heck, I’ve never even played 7, but I’m quite sure it offers far content (gameplay, levels, stuff to do…) than 13.

          • Rakkrakk

            That much is true. The characters’ actions are comprehensible. Except for Sephiroth killing Aeris which is just a huge WTF as opposed to something legendary as Dupre’s death(Or even Johnny Gat’s for that matter).

    • Aiddon

      well, to do 7 right would require more talent than is currently available at Square right now. Basically everyone who contributed anything meaningful to 7 has left the company due to absurd amount of incompetence around the place. Can’t really do 7 without them as while you might have a bunch of people who liked 7 working on it, I doubt you’d get enough people who would understand WHY the game worked.

      7 was the high point of the series but also the last entry of the series unanimously described as great with its successors either having mixed reception (9, 10) outright loathed (8, 13), or just forgettable (12). Remaking 7 would also mean they’d have to admit that they don’t have a clue what they’re doing anymore and that is just too big a blow to the company’s collective ego.

  • tumAngor

    that t-shirt too awesome

  • Vader the White

    REYNOLDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Fueldrop

      I said into the house! You throw like a girl!

    • Jailer_of_Justice

      This is the spawn point!!!!!!!

  • Zefram Mann

    Seven months ago I was worried that this game had beaten Spoony down so much that he was no longer enjoying his work, that his despair and anger were preventing him from being as funny as he used to, but damn, that ending.
    Good to see the downtime allowed Spoony to get his comedic game back and give this abominably pretentious sack of boring literary dick-waving from a bunch of devs who’ve become the interactive entertainment version of M. Night Shyamalan the holy shit-pushing it rightly deserves while STILL making the ride fun and enjoyable.
    Looking forward to the conclusion and to XIII-2.

    • iniudan

      Come on the M. Night Shyamalan of interactive entertainment isn’t Richard Garriott.

      At worse Richard Garriott is a Leonard Nimoy, long standing easily recognizable geek icon and his main achievement so glued to him for life, he basically cannot be anything else then Lord British.

      • Daniel Tilson

        He was talking about Square Enix on this one, not Richard Garriott

        Though to be fair, Garriott was Lord British to his friends long before he started working on any games. That’s why most of them are by “Lord British” not “Richard Garriott.” ^_^

        • iniudan

          Ok, make sense.

          Knew he was called Lord British before starting to make the game series, but I meant widely recognized has Lord British.

          • ftidus12

            Didn’t he become General British at one point?

    • doresh

      Now that’s just mean. At least Shyamalan’s works APPEAR to be good as long as you don’t think about them. FFXIII forces you to do research so that you MIGHT find the plot interesting, but only if you force youself into believing that this is NOT the absolutely worst way to tell ANY story.

  • doresh

    I just noticed something: Don’t they have any WMDs in this setting? Wouldn’t this solve ALL of Barthys problems?

    Oh wait, that would make this whole l’Cie thing pointless I guess <_<

    • Daniel Tilson

      They’d still have needed some kind of minion thing to launch said WMDs.

      Doing so themselves would violate the three laws of weird magical robotics or something, so they can’t do it themselves… It just can’t happen dammit! This is Fantasy! It doesn’t have to make sense!

      • doresh

        Of course won’t they do it themselves. But they have loyal followers to whom they’d just have to say “Blow up the other dudes”.

  • Kikaromi Shiro

    Reynolds ruling XIII’s world… Spoony got the short end of the stick after SWAT 4.

    • Jegsimmons

      What were the chances they had the same voice actor?
      I mean SERIOUSLY!?

      • Fueldrop

        Let me do the math…
        carry the 2, divide by 0, factor in imaginary numbers…
        Huh.
        It looks like the odds were exactly 1 million to 1. Exactly.

        I blame the infinite improbability drive.

        • Jegsimmons

          DAMN YOU SCIENCE!!! DAMN YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

      • Kikaromi Shiro

        Who knows? But it made for a great WTF moment for sure.

      • StealthMarmot

        1 in 1 apparently. Since it already happened.

  • Kikaromi Shiro

    Glad to see XIII’s almost over! While I horribly disliked XIII, I honestly liked XIII-2. Gotta see what Spoony thinks of Noel; he’s probably the biggest reason I liked XIII-2.

  • disqus_h6j57slUC1

    Oh come on Spoon! You gotta review that board game before you get rid of it!

  • Tab

    If you’re gonna just throw out the d20 Call of Cthulhu stuff, you could always just sell it to me.

  • MovieWolf

    Awesome review as always, Spoony! I’m excited for the finale of XIII and your reviews of XIII-2 and Lightning Returns.

  • Renaissance_nerd

    Spoony’s back bitches!

  • capthavic

    OMG that ending was hilarious, talk about serendipity XD

  • Sir Christopher McFarlane

    There are so many good games that only exists in this world you want to burn because of just one game.

  • Mr. RHC

    I enjoyed this thoroughly, hadn’t had a good laugh in quite a while! You really nailed Barthandelus, gotta be the worst written villain in all of history. Probably your best FF XIII review so far!

  • Fueldrop

    I have created a challenge for games. it’s called the storytelling challenge:
    The game has the opening cutscene + 30 minutes of gameplay (or to the end of the tutorial level) to establish, in at least basic terms:
    1) The setting.
    2) The main characters, their motivation and why we should care.
    3) The antagonist, goal or other motivating factor.
    If a game can’t get at least a condensed version of this out within opening cutscene + 30 minutes then it can be considered ‘at risk’ as a failure in storytelling.

    Of course, merely flunking this test is in no way indicative of how good a game is. Minecraft, Terraria, and the vast majority of online-only shooters basically go “yeah, you don’t get even an excuse plot but the gameplay is good enough for you not to care.”

    From Spoony’s review FF13 fails in all regards as a bunch of necessary information is buried in datalogs. This would be fine if the gameplay was good enough to pull you through or there was a rich world to explore, but I personally don’t consider an auto-battle system to be gripping gameplay and a corridor, however pretty, is not a world to explore.

    This may be due to cultural differences in how stories are told, but other Japanese media I’ve encountered (Okay, basically Pokemon. I’m not a Japanophile, what can I say?) don’t seem to have this problem.

    • Zefram Mann

      I think one would find that a lot of the best stories told in gaming history would pass at least the first 2 out of the 3 conditions of your challenge, and likely at least hint at some elements of the third. Chrono Trigger, Beyond Good and Evil, Fallout, Gabrial Knight, heck, even Hector: Badge of Carnage let you know exactly what you were in for in the first 10min.
      When the biggest RPG franchise in history loses in basic storytelling to a game where you demolish a building with moonshine and boxes full of used vibrators, you know something has gone terribly wrong.

      • Daniel Tilson

        Yea, those used vibrators can be dangerous, don’t store them near the moonsh-

        Wait… What?

        This sounds delightfully cheesy and wrong on so many levels. I must know more!

      • Fueldrop

        I’d be horrified if the best stories in gaming history were having difficulty with this test, as it’s intended to be insultingly easy. The only time you’d expect a game with an emphasis on story to fail would be if one or more elements are being deliberately hidden (EG character stuff in Planescape: Torment, Villain stuff in anything where finding out who you’re up against is a major part of the game, setting stuff in a game about exploration, ect.)

      • ftidus12

        Ah. I see someone else has played the lesser known Call of Cthulhu module, “The Rubber Dong of Dagon”.

      • Derek Thomas

        I didn’t see my life story in that list.

    • doresh

      From my personal experience, this is not a cultural thing. This is just hack writing ^_^

    • RobMcCune

      I’d frame it more in terms of “does the player have enough information to proceed with the game/story” since I can think of a lot of examples where information is kept from the player till some later point in the story that worked really well.

    • Patrick Coyle

      Definitely not cultural differences, since every other game in the FF series has managed to pull off an effective intro. Most fans consider VII’s beginning to be the most iconic (and shame on XIII for missing the whole point while copying it), but for me, IV was a pivotal moment. In 30 minutes, we learned:

      1.) the world was a western fantasy setting with a dash of magical technology
      2.) Cecil is a badass knight with a noble character, loved by his closest friends, respected by his troops, and deeply disturbed by the murder and plunder he was ordered to commit
      3.) the king’s been getting weird lately and isn’t acting like his old self, and sends Cecil on a punitive mission for daring to question the royal will.

      XIII makes the same mistake many amateur and fanfic authors tend to do: it establishes a deep and involved backstory that’s far more interesting than the story they’re telling right now. XIII probably would have been better if it was based around the first Pulse invasion, or something of that sort.

      • doresh

        And FFIV didn’t even fully utilize the new graphics capabilities (overworld sprites stayed quite small until FFVI) XD

    • Rakkrakk

      Personally, I give games that aren’t RPGs(Or are said to have an extraordinarily short playtime for a RPG) about one hour tops to intrigue me enough to care.
      However: With RPGs of 30+ hours of playtime I am willing to give it 2-3 hours, since such a long game could be, you know, playing the long game in terms of writing.

  • Tauros

    It was Reynolds! It was Reynolds all along…

  • ftidus12

    Gah! Sudden update surprise! But a good kind of surprise. Thanks Spoon!

  • Vismutti

    Ooh, I like using different versions of the Break Me (or whatever the name is) song for the opening and the ending. It works nicely and the cover version suits well as the ending song.

  • likalaruku

    Well, if you’re not familiar with Hanfu, that old man just looks like he’s running around dressed as a shiny princess.

  • Max Svensson

    Spoony you clearly dont understand the way more intelligent japanease culture. In Japan they do belive that the Moon is ALIVE and therefor they speak the Moon speak. I dont want to use this word but you have made me very upset by even QUESTIONING the moon speak theory that they introducse you to in ff13 if you analyze the data logs like an intelligent person. ᤒǐȴͧ☼豘᫱

    • MovieWolf

      You made my day, sir. Your opinion is so majestically hilarious. Good show, good show! *claps right hand on the back of my left hand* Huzzah!

    • Derek Thomas

      What?

      • Max Svensson

        Its more or less ctrl+c ctrl+v from some other person who review games, just edited to fit into the entire FF13 thing. Yes I copypaste and im proud of it.

        • Derek Thomas

          Again, what?

        • Laud

          You’ve confuzzled me, therefore you deserve death.

  • Akim Vasiliev

    Did I mishear, or did he say “girlfriend of over 8 years”?

    • Fueldrop

      I believe you misheard and The Spoony one said “Girlfriend of over A year”, but my own hearing isn’t really spectacular.

    • doresh

      Well, she IS over 8 years old XD

    • Daniel Tilson

      A year, not eight years.

    • Aaron Kerr

      You’re not the only one, dude, I TOTALLY heard 8 years. Every time, and I’ve watched this video like 7 times.

    • IHeart28

      You misheard but that’s no issue at all. No worries. He said “Girlfriend for over a year now”

    • Carteeg_Struve

      Add me as another who misheard the line in the same fashion.

  • Fueldrop

    Why can’t the Cocoon Fal’ce destroy Cocoon?

    *Cuts to Mercenary Fighters”
    “We can’t! The press!”

    • doresh

      Or alternatively:

      *Cut to Tom Hanks*
      “Beware the sacrilege!”

  • MrRuse

    Guys, I have a cunning plan. We keep an eye out on when Spoony will make a next appearance at a con. Then, we contact S. Scott Bullock and invite him to be there as well, ostensibly to celebrate his decades of experience in the voice acting business (the guy was in Captain Planet, Darkwing Duck and The Curse of Monkey Island; he’s that old school). Then we have him walk up to Spoony and try to get past him, saying that he is in his way.

    Then we watch magic happen.

    • Cthulhu07

      Your plan is so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel! :D

      • ThomasMink

        Sooooo, wait… this is going to happen at a furry con?

        • Cthulhu07

          For further details I suggest you talk to MrRuse. He’s the man with plan after all…

    • Fueldrop

      That is a sick, twisted kind of genius.

      Also, does commenting on this post make me an accessory to murder?

    • Daniel Tilson

      Only if I can be there to watch the live soul punching.

    • Derek Thomas

      We should ACTUALLY do this. I know it’s a joke. But seriously. Even if we have to pay the guy. THIS MUST HAPPEN!

  • http://blip.tv/cassavius-presents Cassavius

    It’s Reynolds! And you’re in his way…

    • Fueldrop

      Actually, considering how many times he’s been shot Reynolds is in SPOONY’s way!

  • Kristopher Tiplady

    Put your shit in storage or something. If the relationship goes bad you will be kicking yourself in the ass over getting rid of your stuff.

  • KoeL

    he is throwing in the trash a C’thulu book…naaah he must be trolling

    • wizzbang

      But it’s the D20 one. Which is garbage!

      (Honestly, he’d probably eBay that, so yeah, jokes)

      • doresh

        Oh, those days when literally EVERYONE just had to make a d20 version of their system. I hear that World of Darkness d20 was especially insane (not helped by the fact that it apparently had NOTHING to do with the actual World of Darkness).

    • Godmars

      Forgot to suggest putting them up on eBay autographed, but it might be too much troubled.

  • Vaughan MacDonald

    I’m surprised that Spoony hasn’t pointed out how fucking stupid the names of the characters are this time. Like… Really? Hope? Snow? Lightening? in the next game are the main characters going to be called Fridge, Chair, and Box?

    • doresh

      Well, I kinda prefer obvious English names over those pretentious Latin stuff they’re using in FFXV (Noctis Lucis Caelum o_O ). It worked for Cloud, after all.

      Also, nothing compares to the stupid names of the villains from Dirge of Cerberus.

      • ctge33

        Um, ‘Noctis’ beats ‘Lightning’ or ‘Snow’ any day. It worked for Cloud and Squall somehow but it’s time to move on. No more Fang, Snow, Edge, Hope etc. Real names please ;0 Some *better* names they had in XIII were stuff like Cid Raines, Rygdea, Noel etc.

        • doresh

          “Sky of the Night Light / Light Night” is not a real name unless you come from a tribe of Mongols or Native Americans who speak Latin for some reason.
          The last real name they used was “Seymour” AFAIK. Cid might also count, but that’s just a reused one.

          Though I might live with “Noctis Caelum” or “Lucis Cael”. It’s the whole “pretentious first/middle/last name” that gets to me.

          (Who cares if his complete name has an actual weird meaning; it makes him sound like a pompous dandy)

          • Groverfield

            Or… if you look up name meanings. Very few names are just names, regardless of culture. Fairy tale names were translated literally to modern, Snow White would be something like “Carla” if Grimm translations hadn’t translated it. Given that this is a fantasyish genre, is it really farfetch’d that, similar to the legends they were based on, people’s names are in the same language as their spoken language?

          • doresh

            The Grimm brothers didn’t translate. They wrote stuff down.

            Names almost always have meaning doesn’t mean you have to make it pretentious. I draw the line at Japanese host boys who apparently come from Future Latin Land and are too cool for just one first name. Call him “Night” or “Shade” or something.

            (Fun Fact: Our German dub of “Snow White and the Huntsman” used the English names, because that sounded kewler or something <_< )

          • Groverfield

            Sorry bout the confusion, that was meant as a reply to Vaughan. I said Grimm Translations (our translations of their works, as I dont speak German fluently I cannot read the original,) or: translations of Grimm’s works, although, it is technically a translation from oral stories to written stuff. It’s the same deal with.

            Personally, as a fan of the classics, I agree to some extent – a character’s name should at least have some symbolism to them, not just a “because it’s cool,” though what you’re referring to is about as pretentious as the song “Ironic” has irony. A more appropriate term would be ostentatious, as it’s closer to trying to force cool than trying to affect a sense of culture or importance.

          • doresh

            Whoops XD

            And Square seems to have hired a Latinphile: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy, Fabula Nova Crystallis Final Fantasy, Noctis Lucis Caelum Stella Nox Fleuret Gladiolus Amicitia Ignis Stupeo Scientia Prompto Argentum Cor Leonis Idola Eldercapt ARGH!

            (I think there are some commas missing but who knows, maybe this works as an incantation XD)

          • ctge33

            I don’t mind the latin names. Step up from Lightning/Snow/Fang/Hope/Vanille for sure.

          • doresh

            The latter two are stupid, but I could live with the others. Young and energetic heroes need names that fit them: Short and to the point. That’s why it’s “Cloud Strife”, not “Nubis Seditionis”.

          • Groverfield

            It’s a great language for anyone who wants to work in literature, or any media, helping with etymology and such.

            Also, it’s almost everyone when you’re working in fiction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyPhX-geVfw

            It’s familiar enough sounding that it’s somewhat understandable by anyone who tries, but foreign enough that it can be used for incantations or just to sound mystical

          • doresh

            Aww, I have a bunch of books. Why didn’t MY incantation do anything <_< ?!

            Latin is a good alternative to pure gibberish, but the last thing a Shounen Action Hero needs is a "mystical" name.

          • Groverfield

            I agree, but I think that kind of nonsense is at home in the Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest sort of “Japanese interpretation on Western Fantasy.” If it was in something like… Onimusha or the SquarEnix titles that I can’t remember at the moment where it’s more Eastern Fantasy setting, then the poorly translated trope of “My name’s _____ which means ______.” is more appropriate than something like “I am Tangerine of the Mankini”

          • doresh

            But you have to be careful not to overdo it, otherwise you end up with “I am Citrus Tangerina of House Mankinius”

          • ftidus12

            Truthfully, that could be fairly awesome:

            “My name is Grapefruitus Citrus Maximus, commander of the Fruitbowl of the
            North, General of the Breakfast Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE Orchard Lord, Tangerine Mankinus. Father to a juiced son, husband to a diced wife. And I will be part of a balanced diet, in this life or the next.”

        • Laud

          Something like, Noah… or Antwiller.. even Spoony would be a better name than ‘Lightning’.

    • Casey Williamson

      Lamp, take Sleet and Sharknado out of here! I’ll deal with Homeropathorus!

      • ftidus12

        …I don’t know why, but I would watch the hell out of a movie where a character said that line completely serious.

    • StealthMarmot

      Isn’t Lightning’s real name Claire? I mean, that makes some sense. Lightning is just an alias or nickname.

      So what’s Snow’s real name? …seriously? It’s actually SNOW? Yeah, if your parents were dumb enough to name you that, your genetics pretty much screwed any chance of growing brain cells.

      As for Hope… isn’t that a pretty much established female name?

    • IHeart28

      Nah. That’s too easy. It’ll be Rain, Storm and Destiny…. Oh god. I hope nobody from square enix sees this

  • Jonesy89CFPD

    Well, so long as you aren’t counting Final Fantasy: All the Brave. That one seems pretty bad.

    • Siveon

      Oooh, right.

      Everything besides that.

  • Dragon Nexus

    I did a quick IMDB search as he mentioned the voice because I thought it sounded familiar too. I thought he was going to discover Logos from Final Fantasy X-2 and rage about that but…I was not prepared for the actual reveal. Well played =)

    • doresh

      So he was always in YOUR way in FFX-2 :3

  • Sioraf as Na Cillini

    There’s no shame in not living with your girlfriend (if it makes you feel any better I’ve never even had one). I don’t think much genocide was done over people thinking that a deity wrote their sacred text, that’s not part of Christianity anyway as the Books are often named after their authors Mark etc. and Titus (no seriously) and others, just thought I’d point that out (before anybody brings it up yes I know Spoony is an atheist but I’m one of the few people to facebook like his show’s IMDB page so that says something very positive about his Final Fantasy reviewing talent). I will never like the current opening or ending themes though I haven’t for a long time now.

    • StealthMarmot

      ” I don’t think much genocide was done over people thinking that a deity wrote their sacred text”

      If you think a deity wrote (or “divinely inspired”) a sacred text, and some other guy doesn’t, and your text says that people who don’t believe in the sacred text as evil to be fought, killed, or shunned, then yes it results in people dying over that belief.

      Bear in mind this is by no means limited to Christianity, or the Abrahamic religions, or even monotheism. It can happen even from secular sources if someone believes an author or person to be beyond reproach or questioning. Religion just tends to be the most egregious since it allows for the concept of a being that is beyond human writing something.

      As for the Bible example, many if not most Christians acknowledge that the books were written by men, even if they were divinely “inspired” and as such are still open to scrutiny and translation. Some others however, believe that since the books were divinely mandated, they are absolute. These are your fundamentalists and fundamentalists are the source of people dying in the name of religion (well usually at least).

      • ftidus12

        “Religion just tends to be the most egregious since it allows for the concept of a being that is beyond human writing something.”

        Hardly, as even a basic glance at the atrocities of 18th-21st centuries would show. Once a meta-narrative overt takes the suffering of others and the value of human life, over takes reason (especially in the pursuit of wealth and power), the same thing would occur in any arena.

        As you have said, your statement can also be said of ANY ideology (Secular or Religious) equally in the hands of the opportunistic and fanatical. You need only see the normally beautiful Humanistic ideals being twisted in the grip of the Jacobins during the Reign of Terror for that for a
        Secular version (it punished questioning, was used to bypass rational
        explanations, used a meta-narrative as ultimate authority etc).

        The Jacobins, the Khmer Rouge, the Stalinists, and their ilk. They meet your criteria as well (believing in the absolute rightness of their cause, the “unassailable paragon” narrative of their leadership and the meta-narrative in their literature).

        Furthermore, simply believing that a book is absolute does not make one a threat. Alhazen believed that the Quran was perfect. Was he a mad terrorist? No. He was one of the greatest polymaths of the 10th century, and one of greatest altruists the world has ever known. The same could be said millions of others. I personally don’t agree with absolutism, but I recognize that there is more to the creation of a monster than merely a text and an ideal. There must be a gain , a physical cause..

        A study of our history shows that humans go to war over matters which ensure material gain or survival against a destructive foe. Very human. Very grounded causes. There may
        be different after-the-fact claims, but what starts and maintains human
        conflicts is humans being humans.

        (I recommend Pape’s “Dying to Win” for a more complete treatment of this.)

        In the end, it isn’t the ideal or the book, it is the person using it.

        • Derek Thomas

          You are wonderfully educated. Bravo.

          • ftidus12

            Thank you.

  • Derek Thomas

    WHERE IS IT SPOONY! WHHEEREE ISSS ITTT!!???

    • Cthulhu07

      The Best Batman Impression ever! Do Bane next! :D

      • ftidus12

        “You can watch me torture the internets, and when you have truly
        understood the depths that game companies’ will sink to , we will fulfill your
        destiny as a riffer. We will destroy your mind and then, when it is done and Arizona
        is ashes, then you have my permission to snark.”

      • doresh

        You shink impreshions are your friend? I was BORN from them, MOLDED by them ^w^

      • James Miller
  • disqus_h6j57slUC1

    Who here wants Spoony to review Lets go to the Races the VCR board game? I do.

    • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

      After the golf and bird-watching mess, he deserves *at least* a torture-free clean slate to begin the year.

      If he eventually goes back to the Blag’ol of board games, let him continue with the original intended list before the WWF one derailed everything into a clusterfuck of side-projects brought about by one little product promotion. The side-videos were cute, but there’s no need to turn the whole series into “hey spoony, look what I found on eBay, betcha didn’t know THIS existed, HERE YOU GO!” after only 2 games from his intended lineup. We’ll never get to the other AtmosFear titles at that rate. Baron Samedi beckons!

    • Casey Williamson

      He could do a potpurri episode some time where he spends a few minutes each on board games that don’t really warrant a full episode…

  • Guest

    Hey Spoony, guess what?

    Final Fantasy X-3, directed by Motomu Toriyama.

    • doresh

      With the recent direction Square seems to be going, this will probably be Kingdom Hearts with Auron.

      Oh wait, he’s dead (again). Soooo… Kingdom Hearts with… Rikku?

  • Giant Metal Donkey Kong

    Hey, Spoony, guess what?

    Final Fantasy X-3, directed by Motomu Toriyama. I hear that’s going to be a thing at some point.

  • Malidictus

    I’ve watched this video several times now, and I just LOVE happy Spoony :) I realised (retroactively, just now) that Wrestle! Wrestle! taught us something very important – Spoony is at his funniest when he loves hating a show, a game or a movie. When you can see the guy laugh at its stupidity and goofiness while still ripping it up over its badness. When Spoony can’t bear to watch/play the item in question but is being forced by popular request, quality tends to wane and the reviews come out far too angry and not funny enough.

    So… Yay for April! Thanks for getting our happy Spoony back :)

  • Godmars

    So. Two days to go until this is “finished”…

    Or, Spoony makes up an excuse of why part six is late. Not that it really matters.

    It happen when/if it happens.

    • Guest

      It will. If it’s not out by now, no way it’s happening now. He’ll probably spend the holiday getting wasted. I can just guess that’s how he spends his holidays.

      • Godmars

        Actually calling it for 11:59PM, 12/31/2013

        • DarkSaber2k

          Better add “In whatever timezone it is he lives in”.

          • RobMcCune

            Somoa Standard Time FTW!

          • wizzbang

            He’s already missed that one as it was well over an hour ago. ;) Best we can hope for now is PST…

        • RobMcCune

          *Posts Part 6 @ 11:59:59 CST 12/31/2013*

          Damn you Spoony! DAAAAMN YOOUUU!!!!

      • Marcus Lundgren

        Wouldn’t you be drinking if you had to share your home with a bitch?

        • RobMcCune

          I suppose that’s why when your dad orders a drink he makes it double.

        • Derek Thomas

          I can’t wait to see how Spoony/April respond to all your unprovoked psychotic abusive rants. It’s going to be entertaining.

          • Marcus Lundgren

            If you were a long-time fan, you’d know that Spoony (and April) never respond to ANY comments.

            Except on Twitter…

    • wizzbang

      Yeah, I really wanted to believe… But there’s still 13-16 hours, so we can hope.

    • Fueldrop

      Remember, we are talking about Noah “Deadlines are for pussies” Antwhiler here…

  • Guest

    Who here would love to see a Duke Nukem cameo in FF13 where Duke punches Snow in the teeth and calls him a whiny pussy?

    • wizzbang

      At the very least, Snow should face The Ultimate Warrior.

      • doresh

        Or have Macho Man appear to sacrifice himself so that Ragnarök doesn’t need to happen.

      • Daniel Tilson

        WINDOW CURTAINS LOOK BEST IN FLORAL PRINT!

  • TheTechno Wolf

    Aaah, Spoony, you should never have announced the finale with such a short deadline. Now you’ve got all sorts of bitching fans knocking at your door…

    I still admire you for being so bold. Truly a living incarnation of the Avatar.

    • Daniel Tilson

      If I were him, after seeing all of the “There’s no way he will have it up by the new year!” and the “Why so long between updates!?” people on this video, I’d have uploaded it already, and set it to be hidden until 11:59:59 local time for each user.

      • TheTechno Wolf

        Meaning he would have done this by 31th morning, because my local time (France) is 8 hours more than Arizona’s.

        But you know, I don’t mind at all that it’s not up, I can wait, there’s no problem. I’ll still watch and enjoy his work.

        Edit : By the way, happy new year.

        • Daniel Tilson

          Happy New Year!

          Alright people, get to work, you’ve got 1 year and 10 months to make flying cars, hoverboards, a bunch more Jaws movies, and the Cubs win the world series.

          After that, you’ve got a mere 53 years and 6 months to figure out warp drive.

          Get on it! The Vulcans are coming!

  • Fueldrop

    What these viewers don’t realize is that we’ve replaced their snarky internet critic with Folgers Crystals. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.

    • RobMcCune

      Much less bitter, and has less of charred taste.

      What’s that, you mean it’s not Spoony?

    • ftidus12

      MY EYES! COFFEE DOESN’T GO THERE! ARRRRRGGH!

  • ftidus12

    You know the part that galls me? Square-Enix has now gotten into the habit of making “-2″ series (X-2, XIII-2, VI-2, etc).

    • Fueldrop

      Well with an epic story like this how could they contain it to a mere 40 hours of gameplay? I mean seriously, you obviously don’t understand the hard work they put into cutting the script down to fit into one game. Number 2 is a vital part of the world lore, and brings many revolutionary alterations to game design and gameplay mechanics that will be discussed for years.
      For instance, their leveling system will be in every RPG design textbook for decades…
      under the headline ‘how not to make a leveling system.’

      • Daniel Tilson

        The leveling system is just an expansion of the world “map”

        There have been others that belonged in a what not to do book.

        Like the sphere grid. Great concept, terrible execution. If leveling up was all you needed in order to gain each spot, then it would have been okay, but needing to level up, and find spheres to fill slots? Stupid.

      • Godmars

        Think you meant “20 hours plus of tutorials”.

    • Godmars

      Funny. Thought it would be then mumbling about X-3.

      Nevermind all the BS and cock-teasing surrounding a FF7 remake.

  • Derek Thomas

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dItLh65iFw

    Tick tock.. tick tock spoony.. we’re waiting for FF13 to finish out the year.

  • IHeart28

    It’s been a while since I’ve made my point of view on the horrible writing this game…. Yet this video has completely proven to me that the writing is just being confusing as well as terrible. The stupidity of the whole “focus” stuff just boggles me but even though I want to explain it, I know the explaination will suck which it does. Well anyway, the fact the priest badguy(I know he has a name but he’s so bland I keep forgetting) having the same voice actor as the classic “You’re in my way sir” asshole just made me laugh so hard. Great review overall, excited to see the finale!

    • Daniel Tilson

      I like Spoony’s explanation of the focus.

      “Because of focus bullshit, and if it involves a focus then we don’t have to explain it…”

      ^_^ So very very true.

      I don’t care what his name is in the game, from now on, he will always be “Darth Reynolds” to me. And yea, he’s the biggest idiot in the game.

      Seriously… How hard would it have been to have him at least attempt to pretend to be a good guy? He would have had a much easier time convincing them to go kill Orphan, which would is supposed to destroy Cocoon. (Though I somehow doubt very much if it did in the game…)

      • IHeart28

        Oh spoony’s explanation is FAR better than the canon’s explanation itself lol. But “Darth Reynolds” is without a doubt the best name ever, mostly because it makes sense. The answer to your question of how hard would it be for Darth reynolds to even try?… Um, well maybe because it’s just a horribly written character, doing a horribly written idea, that none of the characters are sure is going to work.

        • Daniel Tilson

          I’m just saying… If he was all “Oh blessed maker and the ninety-two-million prophets! Heroes! err.. L’cie! Orphan has plans to destroy cocoon! You must stop him!” instead of “Buahahaha! You have to destroy Orphan and Cocoon with him because we says so!” it probably would have worked.

          • IHeart28

            Valid. Valid argument. Maybe you should’ve written the game instead XD

          • Daniel Tilson

            Probably would have been better.

            You wouldn’t have been stuck in a hallway for 40+ hours at the very least.

  • TheJman12345

    Well unless Spoony is waiting till the last possible minute, my guess is that one way or another, it all dose not end in 2013.

    • Daniel Tilson

      Technically, as long as he filmed it in 2013, it ended there. But yea.. I stand by another comment I made earlier.

      If I were him, I’d have uploaded already, set it to hidden, and had it set to become unhidden at exactly 11:59:59 local time for all users.

      11:59:59.99 for the ones who complained.

      ^_^

      • Fueldrop

        It’s 12:25 pm over here, so I’m fairly sure that’s not the case.

        • Daniel Tilson

          If it’s PM thats the middle of the day. ^_^

          You mean AM.

          Silly goose.

          • Fueldrop

            I mean PM. Australia.

          • Daniel Tilson

            Silly other side of the world people.

          • Aaron Kerr

            With their upside down accents.

  • Godmars

    -__-

    Okay, at the conclusion to the last review he dressed up as…Yuna, just like he dressed up as Tidus and Squall. So does that mean this time he’ll…

    What would Reggie Fisame say at a time like this? Cause Lord knows I’m not saying it…

    • Derek Thomas

      Yuck…..SERIOUSLY! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE SPOONY IN DRAG ANYMORE!

      • RobMcCune

        Ooh boy, then you’re not going to like the final fantasy XIII sequel reviews.

        2014 Spoony as Lightning in FF XIII

        2016 Spoony as SERAH! in FF XIII-2

        2018 Spoony returns as Lightning in Lightning Returns, but the question is which lightning outfit will he cos play as? There are so many to choose from, including plenty of DLC.

        • doresh

          I’d say the default bondage outfit with the airplane wreckage piece on the left arm.

        • Daniel Tilson

          If he dresses as SERAH! will it raise the SERAH! count?

      • Daniel Tilson

        I could stand to see a little more.

  • wizzbang

    Roughly 1 hr ago on Twitter: “I’m sorry guys. I let you down. I’m trying as hard as I can to get the review done as soon as possible, I promise.”

    Apparently he hasn’t stopped to eat.

    • Derek Thomas

      He failed.

      • jnywest

        He technically gets until 12AM in Hawaii.

      • Godmars

        He could take a month or six. So long as its done when its done and its good.

      • doresh

        Well, can’t be much more of a delay than your typical German construction project (which take at least twice as long as planned and end up costing more than four times as much).

        • Piotr Orchowski

          That’s because all the labourers in Germany are ( useless, except for hard manual labour ) Eastern European semi-retarded subhumans.

          • doresh

            Don’t be silly. We have plenty of German shitholes. I can recall a certain bridge in a certain historic district in a certain nearby town that had to be renovated FIVE TIMES in a row by different companies because nobody can apparently figure out cobblestone. At least one of those companies where made up of Bavarians :3

          • Derek Thomas

            You German?

          • doresh

            Ja :D

          • Derek Thomas

            What was the deal with the Holy Roman Empire? You guys weren’t so holy or roman.

          • ftidus12

            Trolling quota, mostly.

          • doresh

            1. They wanted to continue the tradition of the Roman Empire.
            2. The emperor got his blessings from the pope, who resides in Vatican, which in turn is in Rome.
            3. The empire was a bit bigger than just Germany.
            4. The “Holy” part was later added because the emperor wanted to increase his influence over Italy and the Vatican.

          • ftidus12

            Oh please. That describes the Floridian road crew system as well. You want weird? We have road crews who spend weeks blocking up traffic, tearing up the street….and then leave it as is because actually fixing the problem is a separate department’s concern and they are almost never in communication. Hence why Miami looks a scene out of “Escape From New York” most of the year. .

          • Atmos_Duality

            If I hadn’t visited Boston and Newport News, I’d argue that Chicago invented that practice. They do it because once they tear the roads up, the job to fix it is in the bag.

            A simple clause for a timetable would stop that from happening, but it seems most local governments seem peculiarly allergic to that kind of thinking.

          • doresh

            We have road crews who tear up the street, do some stuff, bring the street back in order… and then tear up the street again because of some OTHER project. Arrangements and long-term planning are foreign concepts for us (maybe except for lobbyists).

          • ftidus12

            Ouch. But look at it this way at least you can get a good beer around there. I can’t even find a good IPA in this burg…

          • doresh

            I actually prefer Guinness :3

      • Piotr Orchowski

        As expected. Now imagine what would happen, if he had a serious job and real deadlines.

    • Fueldrop

      We can wait. Spoony is trying, and that’s what counts.

      I will hunt down and obliterate the first person to make a Yoda reference out of this comment.

      • doresh

        Doing this I will not. My own original reference I will make.

        • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

          Well that was forced.

          …hey, I’m allowed one horrible pun a year, right? Might as well get it out of the way early! …I’m still going to hit myself for it.

    • ctge33

      Actually he said ‘barely stopped to eat’ lol. So don’t worry! He’ll be ok.

    • Martin Markov

      Item #125 on the list of reasons why I need a twitter account:
      “Remind Spoony to eat”

      • RobMcCune

        Not eating + lack of sleep hmmm… I wouldn’t mind delirious Spoony mumbling something about how its all Reynolds fault.

      • Daniel Tilson

        I’m sure April is making him eat.

        It’s probably even healthy stuff.

        Like home made pizza with veggies hidden in the crust.

    • Marcus Lundgren

      Bullshit. He just cares more about fucking April than doing work these days…

      • Atmos_Duality

        Because his rate of production was SOOOO much faster before he moved in with April.
        …Wait, no…it hasn’t been consistent or timely for close to 4 years now.

        • Marcus Lundgren

          I’m sorry, I meant to say that he cares more about fucking that fucking April.
          Clear now?

          • RobMcCune

            Which is a verb and which is an adjective is still unclear.

          • Marcus Lundgren

            The first “fucking” is the verb. Although, it’s in the third person, present tense, so you might’ve missed it…

          • ctge33

            please stop

          • Marcus Lundgren

            Yes, April. Please stop and just go away!

          • ctge33

            Marcus please stop.

          • Marcus Lundgren

            Please stop what? Saving the Spoony Experiment?

            Be careful what you wish for…

          • RobMcCune

            Actually please stop being an obsessive stalker. Spoony’s just not that into you.

          • ctge33

            ok that bit made me laugh but still! don’t be mean.

          • RobMcCune

            Yeah, if only that desperate and needy loser who wants Spoony all to themselves would just stop and go away.

            Hint: That person is not April.

          • Marcus Lundgren

            Your grammar is so poor, that I cannot take you seriously. Literally…

          • RobMcCune

            You shouldn’t complain about someone else’s grammar when you write one word sentence fragments. Besides, no one takes you seriously since you’re a creepy loser who is jealous of Spoony’s girlfriend and probably his dog.

          • Marcus Lundgren

            A sentence can not be a fragment. For that to be possible, I couldn’t finish it.
            Besides, my point is very short and very simple: Get rid of April.

            And since when do you speak on behalf of everyone?
            And how could I be jealous of April, when I’d rather have sex with Orio (whom I don’t want to have sex with at all)?

            You may call me a creepy loser, but you’re a creepy stalker.
            I’m not the one who “lives” on these comment pages, like you seem to do.

            Instead, I say what I have to say, in a short and concise manner.
            And after that, if need be, I deal with stalkers like you.

          • RobMcCune

            And how could I be jealous of April, when I’d rather have sex with Orio

            You’re not envious of Spoony for having them, you’re jealous of them for having Spoony.

            I’m not the one who “lives” on these comment pages,

            Commenting in a comment section is not stalking, in fact it’s not even remotely similar. On the other hand, posting hateful comments about a woman you don’t know to try to separate her from a man you don’t know to try to win the man’s affections all for yourself is quite a bit closer to stalking.

          • Marcus Lundgren

            No, it isn’t stalking at all. I’m not directing these comments to Spoony & Co exclusively. Instead, I’m trying to draw peoples’ attention to the fact that one cannot run a site like this with pussy on the mind.

            I’m sure April’s a nice gal, but the truth is, she’s in the fucking way of Spoony’s art!

          • Daniel Tilson

            Oh please. Pussy? Everyone knows it’s all about dat ass.

            I know I think about it all the time…>.>

            Wait…. We are still talking about Spoony right?

            (No, I am not actually obsessing about Spoony’s ass, though I’m certain that, as skinny as he is, it’s a fairly nice one.)

          • RobMcCune

            I’m trying to draw peoples’ attention to the fact that one cannot run a site like this with pussy on the mind.

            Well then thank god Spoony no longer has a serious case of blue balls.

            she’s in the fucking way of Spoony’s art!

            Spoony’s art is death, he’s about to paint his masterpiece

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_hLvWmytTo

          • Atmos_Duality

            I love how he contradicted himself in the very next line.

      • Patrick Coyle

        A choice between enjoying a fulfilling relationship with an affectionate and fun woman, or trying to serve the demands of an increasingly schizophrenic and entitled fanbase.

        If that’s what’s going on, then he’s chosen wisely.

  • doresh

    In the worst-case scenario, he has till February 22th. That’s when Ragnarök is supposed to “happen”.

    • Groverfield

      Thats a new one on me… but even if it’s going to happen, most living humans, and the god Baldur will make it out alive.

      • Patrick Coyle

        Figures that the god of beauty will get through it. The beautiful people get all the breaks.

        • Groverfield

          Only one of the three major gods of beauty, Freyr and Freyja, also gods of beauty, won’t… especially sad since Freyja(or Freya depending on how you feel like spelling it) has had quite a bit of popularity in recent years.

          • Patrick Coyle

            What, they have THREE? Did someone want to make sure there would be a spare for the new world that would follow?

          • Groverfield

            Actually, now that you bring it up, I’m not sure that Baldur is a god of beauty. I know he’s described as the most beautiful of all gods, as well as very strong if not the strongest… but still. Also, I’m not so sure that Norse gods were like the Greek in that there was one god for everything and everything had only one or two god(s)… I wasn’t there, and I’m not an expert, but thinking of the norse pantheon this way helps make stuff make more sense when I readit.

          • doresh

            I think you’re right. Thor might be the “Thunder God”, but that seems to be more of a title. Even Allfather Odin can’t be easily categorised. Dude’s associated with A LOT of stuff, be it war, death or magic.

    • Baló Timár

      On my birthday? Figures.

  • Fueldrop

    Phil: hello, you’ve reached maker home appliances tech support. My name is Phil. How may I help you?
    Lightning: yeah, I have a faulty Fal’ce here. It wants to destroy the world.
    Phil: that’s a known issue with the model 4. We’re still working on a fix, but in the mean time you’ll need to reset the unit to factory settings.
    Lightning: how do I do that?
    Phil: there’s a little hole in the back. Stick an unbent paperclip in that and you should be done.
    Lightning: thanks. (Hangs up)
    Lightning (to group): does anyone have a paperclip? No? Damn. Looks like we’ll have to destroy cocoon after all.

    • Daniel Tilson

      Did you check to see that it is plugged in?

      Does a light turn on when you press power?

      Did you reset your router?

    • Aaron Kerr

      Fuck, um, okay. Flash the BIOS after reseating its RAM, then run it in safe mode, see if that helps.

      • Fueldrop

        I keep getting error 4415983237B.
        I shudder to think how large the help document for these things is.

  • Hzg

    That ending…. *snicker*…

  • kingclam

    So I came to the comments section expecting to see some light hearted ribbing of spoony for missing the “definitely 2013″ date.. And what i found was… was… well, man some of you guys are complete entitled nob-ends.

    FFS – i know children online can be harsh sometimes, but some of you take the biscuit. When you’ve created something productive with YOUR lives (other than that dump you took this morning), maybe then you can criticize…

    Man, have i lost my faith in humanity reading some of these comments.. Hate to think what you children will grow up into.

    • Hzg

      I guess fastest way to deal with those comments is to ignore them alltogether. I dare say its at least the most brain cells saving method.

    • James Miller

      If he did it on purpose just to troll the haters, more power to him.

  • Piotr Orchowski

    Twitter:
    “I’m sorry guys. I let you down. I’m trying as hard as I can to get the review done as soon as possible, I promise.”

    Trying as hard as you can? By doing what exactly?

    It’s not a secret, that you maintain this site only because it is a source of income for you.
    Stop doing reviews out of obligation, or have some decency and shut this site down.

    • strifesong

      Because I’m sure you’ve never worked a job only because it is a source of income. Maybe everyone working out of obligation should have some decency and quit their job, too.

      • Piotr Orchowski

        You missed my point completely.

        I hate when people like Spoony complain about not having enough time. He is not some importan CEO in charge of a big corporation, he is not The President, he is not Mick Jagger or The Pope. He’s one of those people that love to say, that they are busy, because it gives them a false sens of importance and makes them feel good and wanted. When in reality, they have nothing going on in their life.

        • strifesong

          The holidays are just now out of the way and Spoony’s still getting settled into a new place with his girlfriend. Who are you to say he’s got nothing going on in his life? Do you know him personally? I’m not even trying to sound like a dick about this, but you come across as awfully self-entitled to chew someone out for a video being late anyway. Besides, you’d think by now that you’d expect this if Spoony has such a track record of doing these sorts of things. Give the guy a damn break; he’s not a CEO, or The President, but he’s a human being like you and me and I’m sure he’s got his own shit to deal with that he doesn’t need ungrateful fans jumping all over him about. Shit, the fact that he’s not this important person makes it sound all the more stupid to get anal about a video of his being late. I mean damn.

          • Piotr Orchowski

            How much time do you need, to move into a new house? Normal people do it in a day or two. He made a special frickin’ announcement, that he’s going on a hiatus because of it. IN SEPTEMBER.

            He takes every little mundane task, and turns it into a ridiculously stretched out in time journey.

          • Daniel Tilson

            A day or two to move into a new house in the same town? Yes, but a day or two to move across the country and consolidate two households? No, no, and hell no.

            Also consider the sheer quantity of stuff each had. If each worked alone on it, it probably took a couple of days just to pack everything. Then there’s arranging for a truck, loading the truck, driving to the new place, unloading the truck, sitting down with the second person to decide what will and will not be in the new house, then you have to arrange for the truck to be returned, unpack what will be remaining in the new house, set up either a yard sale or a storage unit for whatever is left.

            Takes a lot more than a couple of days for all of that to happen.

            Also, just because he announced it in September, doesn’t mean it happened in September.

            I suggest you calm down a bit, being angry all the time isn’t healthy.

          • SenorKaffee

            I think it took 3 months to move into this house and we don’t even have our new kitchen yet…

        • Brian Frang

          Right, because being the writer, director, producer, cameraman, editor, sound guy, lighting guy AND star of your own show,while dealing with crippling emotional and mental illness would NEVER make you too busy to make deadlines in the middle of a holiday season. Are you mentally disabled? I think you might be mentally disabled.

          • Piotr Orchowski

            I’ve been suffering from depression for over 9 years and had two major nervous breakdowns, so I guess you could say that I’m mentally disabled in a way. But despite that, I still have a higher cognition level than you, because I am able to realize, that sitting in a chair and rambling about board games or recording 15 minutes of video game footage and putting a voice dub over it, does not require a producer, director, writer, editor, sound guy and so forth. I work in an office and by your logic, I don’t have to get my work done on time, because I’m a staple guy, fax machine guy, the guy that brings me lunch and a guy that is responsible for stacking up papers. Internet reviews are not blockbuster movies.

          • James Miller

            Mentally disabled? http://i.imgur.com/hV9oDIy.jpg

          • ctge33

            It takes a lot of time to put these videos together. 60+ hours to record all the footage, then you have to plan out what you’re going to say in the video, find the perfect footage so it all flows perfectly and then edit it all together.

            He’s not in an office, sir. He has other things to do on top of this and he sets his own deadlines. Sometimes he misjudges what he can do in a short space of time. Bad luck.

            The trade off is that he’s far less likely to cut corners.

            tl;dr, don’t be a dick. it’ll be done when it’s done.

            PS: what were your nervous breakdowns like?

          • http://www.zachseinblog.de/ Zachrid

            Well… judging from the way you are flying off the handle here, I would suggest that you are closing in on your third one.

          • jobo976

            Shit I can see you are fucking idiot We know you love your god… More white knights of the internet please!

          • Brian Frang

            Spoony? God? No, not even close, I’m just experienced in both video production, and mental illness, so i actually know what I’m talking about.

          • jobo976

            Can you become an hero?! Poor little loser… Get some pills and a good kick in your ass… And grow a spine if you have the time
            +1 For imaginary mental illness ( Grow up! )

    • L1nk1

      Your first comment was 2 weeks ago. What are you trying to say?

      • Piotr Orchowski

        What are YOU trying to say?

        • L1nk1

          That you are way too angry.

          • Piotr Orchowski

            Life made me this way. Now kill yourself.

          • L1nk1

            Wait. I should kill myself because you are angry?

            I think I found worse character writing than in The Room.

    • Carteeg_Struve

      Wait for “Winds of Winter” to be released, then start your pointless bitching.

      • Piotr Orchowski

        After quick google search, I now know, that “Winds of Winter” is the forthcoming sixth novel from some fantasy series that George R. R. Martin wrote. But I still fail to see the connection between my post and your reply. Care to explain?

        • Brian Frang

          The point was that deadlines get pushed back a lot because the people involved just have too much going on to deal with it, and George R. R. Martin, in particular, has had some real issues with this in the past. By the way, it took me less than 10 seconds to find that information with a google search of “Winds of Winter” (Having read none of the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series). Your googling skills leave something to be desired.

    • http://www.zachseinblog.de/ Zachrid

      Oh my god, an internet-reviewer apparently has problems to meet his self-imposed deadline? Stop the presses, open your window, let the world know that you are not gonna take it anymore and swear bloody revenge, Putin-Style …

      … you will surely never get that four, long seconds back, which it took to write “spoon” and hit enter for autocomplete to do the rest.

  • Brian Frang

    “I’m sorry guys. I let you down. I’m trying as hard as I can to get the review done as soon as possible, I promise.”

    No cake for you, Spoony! you fail!!!!!! BETRAYAL!!!!!!!! Go die in a fire for not putting out your reviews exactly when I want to see them every time!!! /satire

    You know what, Noah? It’s cool, man. Take as much time as you need. In fact, if you want to take extra time, just to piss off the entitled fanboys pitching a hissy fit because you got too busy to make your self-imposed deadline on the show you have to work on almost completely alone, I’d be okay with that (I mean, yeah, I wanna see the finale as much as the next guy, hell, I keep checking back every day, but sometimes it’s worth the wait to see these arrogant jackasses lose their shit)

    Honestly, I’d really like to see you get into a more regular schedule of putting out a full review every two-three weeks,like most professional reviewers do, but that’s because just want to see more Spoony, since you ARE one of my favorite internet personalities, and it’s not my place to bitch,if you’re too busy to do so.

    • jobo976

      +1 Because I can!

  • Jonathan

    Keep up the great work, Spoony. I cannot wait for the next part!

  • jobo976

    Spoony fanbase = Spineless addict losers. When I see so many idiot protecting their god… Get a life… Oh that’s right you don’t have one. Keep waiting Losers!

    BTW part 5… Awful!

    • Daniel Tilson

      Says the man who has spent most of his previous comments obsessing about what Spoony’s fans are doing. Which is creepier than obsessing about what Spoony is doing by a long shot, because while some of his fans are obsessing about one man, you are obsessing about thousands.

      You sir, live the saddest life of all. I would hold your hand as we wait out the apocalypse, but I neither know, nor want to know where it has been.

      • jobo976

        Coming from a no life looking on my profile for info about me… Sweet irony!

        ”You sir, live the saddest life of all”

        WTF are you babbling? I’m not sad because I don’t like your god… You are the sad little angry kid here! Keep waiting Loser!

        ”I would hold your hand as we wait out the apocalypse, but I neither know, nor want to know where it has been”
        No and you need help… Get a life and a doctor!

        • zarrotsu

          Sorry, are you trying to be taken seriously with a meme older than you are? Are you trying to call yourself superior to millions, while simultaniously spending your time making posts such as the above on an “awful” webshow comment section?

          I’m not sure which is sadder, your failure as a troll, or when your mother cried out your name when I banged her last night.

          • jobo976

            I’m not sure which is sadder, you with your weak and only defense of ”hater/troll” or your childish emotional insult (My mother is 61yo… Are you sick in your little mind you poor virgin?) You are mad? Bad holydays? No PS4? You are not lifeless… You are useless…
            Also, thx for proving my point…

          • zarrotsu

            Shhh, shhh, baby, calm down. I’ll get to you next, shhh. You’re just having another one of your episodes, honey. Come back to bed.

          • jobo976

            That’s the best you can? Damn… I understand why America is broken…. Idiots everywhere ROLF!

          • Iceman404

            “That’s the best you can? Damn… I understand why America is broken…. Idiots everywhere ROLF!”

            http://static4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101125041642/ed_/images/7/77/Rolf.JPG

          • Guest

            / /
            | | | |
            | `. | | :
            ` | | | |
            | / / \ –__ \ :
            / _ ~~ ~ __| |
            ~ ~ |
            _ .—- — . ___ | |
            ______// _ _ _ ( (_ > |
            . C _ ) _ __ ( ( _ > | /
            / | C __ )/ (_____> |_/
            / /| C_____)| | (___> /
            | ( C_ _ )__________/ // _/ /
            | |__ \_________// (__/ |
            | ____) ` — –‘ |
            | _ _ /_ _/ |
            | / | | |
            | | / |
            | / / | | |
            | / / __/___/ | |
            | / / | | | |
            | | | | | |
            More your style ;)

          • zarrotsu
          • jobo976

            Wow… what kind of freak stay riveted to this point on a computer screen… And the worst… I’m sure you don’t know what it is… Seriously thank you… My life is going to be easy with idiots like you!

          • zarrotsu

            I’m just making sure everyone’s aware that the ‘guest’ above is you. You aren’t getting away with covering up your own failures, at the very least.

            Stay frosty.

          • jobo976

            ”Guest” Because I delete it… Idiot! LOL!!!
            Stay dumb and weeaboo!

            Another screenshot maybe? LOL!!!!!! Moron!

          • zarrotsu

            You too!! <333

          • zarrotsu

            No but seriously, call me! <3

          • zarrotsu

            I want to have sex with you!

          • jobo976

            And now the part when your little brain run out of idea… Pathetic.

          • Iceman404

            You seem to have a lot of guests over today, can I visit?

          • jobo976

            Whatever… You can continue your pointless life I don’t care. Just don’t talk to me.

          • Iceman404

            Why I’d never speak to a guest that way. So salty.

          • jobo976

            Still don’t care!

          • Matt Morgan

            If you had a life and friends, why waste time here? I highly doubt that anyone would date, or be friends with a petty, insecure douchebag, and if they are, then they must be pretty shitty people themselves

          • jobo976

            Matt… I’m not insecure, I don’t need to come 6 days later after to write childish insult ( Sure Matt I’m a 30yo virgin and I never kiss a girl!) Sorry if I think that your Spoony god is overrated and you feel the need to tell me about your insipid life and your awful tastes. You’re so little that you need to attack my friends… You are nothing my little angry kid… You can die now and nobody give a fuck about you. Sorry if I hurt your feelings but that’s the reality.
            FYI part 6 is awful, half of the video is the intro, credits and awful acting.

          • Matt Morgan

            It wasn’t 6 days later. That’s when I read it. I just started coming here. You can’t understand anything unless it’s explained to you flat out, can you?

          • jobo976

            My last comment:jobo976 Iceman404 • 8 days ago
            Your comment : Matt Morgan jobo976 • a day ago
            8-1=7
            You’re right! Not 6 days… Just a fucking week later… Can you be more stupid?

            And no I don’t care about FF whatever, useless games for dumb kids… The only thing I care this year is my Baccalaureate in History. Stay dumb and stay low..

          • Matt Morgan

            That makes sense. A sociopathic undergrad student that thinks his nonachievements make him somebody. Now it all comes together. Yeah, have fun getting your degree. Be sure to tell us how that works out when you can’t do anything with an undergrad degree in history.

          • jobo976

            LOL Matt… You hit rock bottom… Bravo! You are the prime loser here. If you really think a Baccalaureate is an undergrad degree… You can stay in your fast-food working at minimum wages.
            Anyway when I see you tastes:Scott Pilgrim Comic book Manga Adventure Time Final Fantasy VI Earthbound Touhou Project (Sweet irony!)
            Candies and robots too? LOL!!!! You are a sad excuse for a human being.

          • Matt Morgan

            For someone who’s so “educated”, you may want to look up what “projecting” is, in the context of psychology. You might also be interested in learning about logic, and how arguments based on logical fallacies, such as every one you’ve made, are inherently flawed. You’re really not good at trolling either

          • jobo976

            Sorry idiot. This is not trolling. I just think you are a sorry excuse for a human being… Seriously! There is no logical fallacies here. You talk like a dumbass, you have the taste of a dumbass and your reaction is just emotional like a dumbass… You are a dumbass, you’re welcome!

          • Matt Morgan

            “There ARE” before you start criticizing others, check your own shit ;)

          • jobo976

            Thank you grammar Nazi! I hope you feel like a real man now!

            Now who’s projecting matt?

          • Matt Morgan

            You don’t know what projecting means

          • jobo976

            Seriously… 5 days later… Damn boy, you fucking need a life fast!

          • jobo976

            Don’t care!

          • Iceman404
          • jobo976

            zarrotsu… You are sad LOL!!!!

          • Guest

            zarrotsu… You are sad LOL!!!!

          • jobo976

            ”with covering up your own failures”
            Well at least I know when I do something wrong…
            You can stay dumb

          • Iceman404
          • zarrotsu

            I especially like the part where you log out to give yourself a +1 on all your comments as a guest. Wouldn’t want one of your countless friends to get involved after all — smart decision on your part. Hurting people you care about is a terrible thing to do.

            What I’m saying is, I’m sorry I made you and your mom cry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

          • jobo976

            Fun fact! You do the same!

            “Hurting people you care about is a terrible thing to do.”
            Me and my friends doesn’t care about you… You are nothing in my life dumbass… I’m just happy to see you are really inferior
            And no you can’t because you’re just another stupid weeaboo on the internet

          • zarrotsu

            Apology accepted. I’m glad we can still be lovers.

          • jobo976

            I’m glad to see you are really dumb…. Stay in your basement kid…

          • zarrotsu

            You too! <3

          • Iceman404
          • XellDincht

            just ignore jobo. Its not worth your time…

        • Daniel Tilson

          I don’t have to look up your profile to know how obsessive you are. I have a very good memory.

          You have done nothing but belittle people on this site for 2 years. Your comments serve no purpose in regard to the videos. In short, you serve no purpose here. A life without purpose is sad. Ergo, you are sad.

          • jobo976

            So if I follow you, you can remember exactly comments from anybody 2 years ago? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
            Moron…

          • Daniel Tilson

            I remember everything I have read from the time I read my first book, to now.

            That first book was “Daniel and the Dinosaur.” 27.5 years ago. I was two years old.

            I’m certain you have probably been here commenting longer than those two years, but two years is how long I have been here between lurking and actively posting. So two years is where my memory for this site begins.

            When you have gone from this place, and your own memory begins to fade, only I and the server will remember your presence here.

          • jobo976

            Wow just wow… You are a freak man! You are a trainwreck… Seriously get some help, if you believe your BS.
            (If your memory is SOOOOOOOO AWESOME… Why are you nothing is this world?)

          • Daniel Tilson

            You assume that I am nothing. That does not make it so.

          • jobo976

            Magical thinking right? Fine by me!

          • Daniel Tilson

            I am many things to many people.

            That I do not parade my accomplishments before the masses does not invalidate them. Humility is the foundation of virtue after all.

            You live in a very special little world Mr. Jobo, one where you believe you can be right 100% of the time, and no one else exists for any purpose but your own amusement. Yet you say I am the one who needs help? If you seemed to have any redeemable qualities, I would weep for the wasted potential. But in your case, I believe there is none to be wasted.

            Good day sir.

          • jobo976

            ”I am many things to many people.”
            Ok! Tell us… No you can’t!

          • geo

            Hahahahahaha sure… yeah sure man. I’m sure your ‘gf’ is all hot and turned on by your trolling of sites like this. Yeah because it makes girls real wet to incessantly comment on shows about nerd culture you claim you hate. I’d say dumb asses like you are a rare breed but you are not. Common as dirt and far less interesting.

    • strifesong

      You must not have much of a life yourself if you can take time out of your ‘busy’ schedule to frequent a site you don’t even like.

  • jobo976

    3 hours later… Keep waiting Losers!

    • Brian Frang

      Funny, I actually haven’t been around for the last couple hours, but it appears you never left. Such a fail troll…

      • jobo976

        Fun fact! I can do more that one thing!
        Not like you… Idiot!

        Just to show you I don’t fucking care about a 15-16yo kid like you… I give you a +1

        • Brian Frang

          Right… Yeah, I’m 26. Nice try, though.

          • jobo976

            Why not! I always believe ppl on the inernet…

  • jobo976

    +1 to all the emotional whit knight and fanboy from me! Because I don’t care about you :)
    Happy Holidays!

    • James Miller
      • jobo976

        Low quality human here… Maybe one day you can learn to write?! Maybe!
        +1 Because you try hard!

        • zarrotsu

          I hate to break it to you, but you can’t +1 and -1 at the same time. We call that a zero.

          • jobo976

            Hey idiot… When you give a +1, your -1 is erased…
            Can you be more dumb?

          • zarrotsu

            Yes, I just… explained that…

            You’re really grasping at straws that don’t exist, you know.

          • jobo976

            You are the dumbest loser I’ve ever seen… +1 or -1 not zero..
            Bravo

          • zarrotsu

            Yes, that’s how the comment section works.

            Now you just need to learn how to comment, and your life will have meaning!
            HURRAY FOR YOU!! :D

          • jobo976

            Sadly for you the only good option for you is to kill yourself…

  • Judgement

    Wow can someone give Jobo a life plz? To be so emotionally invested in an online personality… wow man take a few steps back from the edge of the cliff plz. I mean really, how many comments can one guy write?

    I knew a guy in high school who got this worked up over trivial matters that any grown man would laugh at, and we dubbed him “no friends”. I think Jobo takes over this title, or much more likely probably has taken it long ago.

    • jobo976

      Dude I hope you know I’m writing this comment just before smoking a big J with my friends…
      +1 Because your life is on internet…

  • geo

    Jobo967: what a fucking loser. Just look at his face, such a pathetic doucher. ‘Waaaah I comment in a site I hate and don’t care about’.. you know because that’s what people do when they don’t care, comment obsessively like whiny little bitches. Man what’s sad is that this is the only way you can get people to pay attention to you. You are so uninteresting, such a pathetic loser that the only way you can be the centre of attention is to troll the spoony experiment? Such a doucher. A sad lonely, pretty ugly doucher. Let it be known, jobo967 is a waste of fucking air and space.

    • Judgement

      Jobo976? Never heard of him… Ooooooooooh you mean no friends? Yeah no friends is just good for a laugh, don’t worry bout it.

    • jobo976

      Your mad kid?!
      Well just to see how fucking idiot you are… Don’t care about another subhuman like you
      +1 Because your are really mad!

      • Matt Morgan

        I’m convinced now that you’ve got some kind of mental retardation. Nobody could seriously be as dumb and backwards as you are acting.

        • jobo976

          Coming from a loser 6 days later… Great job!

          • Darkhero252

            You sir are indescribably hypocritical you insult others only because you have a God complex the size of a fright train and the idiocy to believe it.

        • Binku Muja

          I’ve worked with adults with learning, physical and mental disability-and they are considerably more intelligent than you realize. That guy on the other hand, is a fucking idiot.

  • geo

    Pretty good video, will enjoy the finale.

    • Piotr Orchowski

      Don’t worry. Spoony will have it ready by 2015 or 2016.

  • Judgement

    LOL I love the end. Its the same guy that does the Avatar in U9? That’s insane that you recognized it lol.
    Good video, looks like a terrible game. Is it just me or did Square tank as soon as they added the Enix?

    • Piotr Orchowski

      It is not just you. Square and Enix merged for profit and profit only back in 2003. They released Final Fantasy X-2 after that, and the rest is history.

      One of our greatest modern philosophers, had this to say about the whole situation:

      Cash Rules Everything Around Me
      C.R.E.A.M.!
      get the money
      dolla dolla bill y’all

    • doresh

      Enix bought Square because Square’s finances looked a bit shitty after they had the great idea to make a Final Fantasy movie that had very little to do with Final Fantasy.

  • Piotr Orchowski

    I just realized that the first part of the Final Fantasy XIII review, was uploaded by Spoony in December 2012. We have 2014 now. Let that sink in for a minut.

    • doresh

      Well, it ain’t that bad if you consider he started in DECEMBER 2012 and we’re currently in JANUARY 2014.

      • Piotr Orchowski

        Ssssh..

        • doresh

          But just imagine if he does manage to finish this in January. That’d mean it took him 13 months for FF13 :D

  • Kirath

    As someone who is prone to procrastination himself I’m not going to blame you for not staying on schedule. I have to admit though, that I’m sltightly dissapointed, but that’s just because I’m always looking forward to your videos.
    I guess it’s like with Blizzard (at least I remember it being that way, I haven’t played videogames in a while), it’s done when it’s done.

  • Fueldrop

    Well, the new look for the site is pretty badass. Encountered some problems with it earlier but everything seems to be working now.

  • Liezl Bohnen

    I am…. SO confused about what the hell is happening in this game’s plot ;____;

    • Daniel Tilson

      It has a plot?

      • chelvo56 .

        Nah, I don’t believe that… I do believe in Santa Clause though

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1441642492 JoeCB91

    Wow, I am impressed that you recognized that voice.

    • metallavery

      You can hear it. Its just hard because in one roll its him not giving a shit not acting at all. In the other he is putting everything into it to make it as dramatic as he can. I’m also sure some one on twiter told spoony that the two charachters are the same

  • Archpriest of Syrinx

    that was great, SWAT 4 reference FTW

  • James Hinds

    Yup. The major problem with XIII is without a doubt that the main conflict line makes absolutely NO SENSE and sucks horribly. The real shame is that it could actually easily be fixed. Our “heroes” go through most of the story despising it for giving them a cursed l’cie life only to lead up to a big reveal at the end, so throw a twist at the end: it came to Cocoon and sacrificed itself to make them l’cie to stop this insane religious zealot. Bonus points for making that particular l’cie bond an adoption of sorts; four of the six protagonists have family as a key motivation, and it would neatly close their character arcs.

    But no. Light has to have this “fighting fate” thing which makes no bloody sense, and fal cie must all be antagonists.

    • Felipe Sarabia

      Because that’d have brought moral grayness to the now last generation consoles, making an opposing force not necessarilly absolute in it’s evil, I mean….now that I mention it, that was something really laking from the last generation.

      Also, you’d need a competent writer and possibly some choice and alternatives, something that the team that planned FFXIII apparently weren’t willing to get and make.

      • James Hinds

        I actually mostly liked the Lightning and Hope arc, as it’s actually pretty subtle. I expect it wasn’t exactly a bad writing team. More like some executive OKed an iffy script idea and then stuck to them rigorously even as the ship sank. As an amateur writer, XIII smells more of executive meddling than outright incompetence.

        • Taco

          What happened was that the plot was written out before the character interactions were scripted out, rather than the other way around.

          For instance, the plot called for SOMEBODY to attempt to commit suicide, and the script writers looked at everything they had, shrugged, and just decided that the comic relief character should do it… even if it doesn’t make a load of sense to have the comedy ruined by SUICIDE.

          Think of it in terms of D&D, where one set piece leads to the next because the characters think that there is the place that will solve their issues. So they put in effort to go and FIND that place, but along the way, they find new issues to deal with. Lather rinse repeat until end of the game. This is Final Fantasy 6. This is basic storytelling.
          A bad GM can (and will) railroad a party into going to a place because that will trigger an event on the players so they can see that plot point. The players then need to come up with what character motivations get them from point A to point B, in spite of the characters having a conflicting opinion on the true solution. This is bad storytelling. This is Final Fantasy XIII.

          So bringing it back to what you were saying about Lightning and Hope, whats likely is that one of the writers who was given this plot to work around was a really good writer, and managed to salvage something out of the impending wreckage.

    • XellDincht

      Agree. Even i could make a better story
      (and i suck at story telling)

      My idea:

      The gods (i will not use the words
      FalCi L-Ci because thats sounds just stupid) destroyed many cities
      and killed many, many people. One of the main antagonists is a
      scientist who lost many people she loved. Now her goal is to destroy
      the gods. Every god can give their follower a mark. And this mark
      give them special power. The scientist managed to create artificial
      marks. She tested the marks on people (later it turns out that
      Lightning and the others were guinea pigs of her)

      The main conflict is between the space
      pope (who is an evil god), the scientist (who wants peace but her
      methods are pretty ruthless) and Lightning and the others (the good
      guys but every one has their own motivation)

      I know my story and the character are
      not new but that sounds still better then the original plot right?.

      Sorry for my bad english

      • ftidus12

        So…basically the plot of:

        Xenogears
        Storm Bringers: On
        Several of the Shin Megami Tensei games
        and pretty much every other JRPG since 1994.

        Well….at least they’d be copying from better material.

        Also, your English is good. So be proud. :)

  • darkmage0707077

    When Team Rocket actually have *better and more coherent evil schemes* then you, it’s time to re-evaluate your life and maybe retire forever. God, this plot sucks so hard…

  • Motzy

    Hey Spoony, the video is showing me a “Server not found error”. Anyone else getting this?

    Am currently watching it separately, directly on blip.

  • Dudley

    Wait, so the “opening up” that happens after 20! fucking hours of gameplay when you get to Pulse and somehow supposedly redeems the game (which is a bullshit notion, by the way. A game that’s shit for 20 hours is a game that’s shit) is that you get to run around aimlessly doing nothing but fighting monsters?

    • Fueldrop

      Just play Diablo. It’s running around fighting monsters from the word go.

      • Rakkrakk

        And not entirely aimless.

        • Daniel Tilson

          And it’s actually fun.

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    No, the sequels are so bad, comparing XIII to XIII-2 and LR is like comparing Neverending Story 2 to Neverending Story 3.

  • Rakkrakk

    Only that Dante also is badass and has moments of great BAMFery.

    • David Vargas

      In the fourth game, maybe…in every other game, he was just a power fantasy for 12-year-olds that tune in to Toonami for their favorite, badly-dubbed anime.

    • XellDincht

      and Dante is not an complete idiot…

      • Rakkrakk

        No, he is. But a badass idiot. Unlike Snow.

  • Rakkrakk

    Comments are set on moderaion when A) unusually many people bitch about his deadlines and B) when other commenters flag your comment.

  • http://www.edinburghcomputerrepairs.co.uk NoviceTechie

    The ANALects imply that they was some teachings written down by some guru.Did they guess all the answers or learn them by watching Falcie operate? Do you think that Falcie are capable of communicating so they taught humanity about Bhunivelze? At the same time Falcie operate doors and toilets and whatever. Imagine being forced to be a Lcie by a door.And whats with all the trolls?

  • Merrick D’Amato

    How can a game have so much exposition, but explain NOTHING?

    • NeroAngelo

      simple. it was written by people who need a KICK TO THE NYUTS

  • NeroAngelo

    dude, as much as you hate his voice, James Arnold Taylor is an amazing VA
    you probably played a game he voiced in without knowing it

  • NeroAngelo

    oh, and the guy who voices Reynolds/Bart, I think he voices Sparx the dragonfly in the Spyro series

  • likalaruku

    He’s referring to Scarlet & not April, yes?

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