Final Fantasy XIII – Part 3

The Spoony One | Apr 20 2013 | more notation(s) | 

It’s finally time to get down to business.

Hang on, what were we supposed to do again?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Hughes/1737741486 Chris Hughes

    SERAH!!!

    • Mateusz K.

      Oh yes! He inserted that Jeff Goldblum clip exactly how I suggested. Makes me feel special :)

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Loads of comments from the last XIII video wanted that clip in. They got their wish.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1813118664 Reza Stephen Lustig

    Taken pre-requisite shots of Russian Standard, relaxed and comfy… yep, I’m all set for the highlight of the month!

  • Jesse James

    Man, spoony. Sometimes i wish you weren’t a celebrity and were just a normal guy so we could hang out, we have such similar views on things. Well, one day when i’m as famous as you we may cross paths. till then pal.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mads-Bolding-Fenger-Poulsen/1513209391 Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

      Taking your name into account, I’d say that you’re pretty famous already ;)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

      He is a regular guy. He just thinks he isn’t.

      • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

        All celebrities are just “Regular guys” it’s not like becoming famous is an ascension to a higher level of humanity.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

          Sometimes, the celebrities forget this. Spoony has never interacted much with his fans on equal footing. I suppose the handsome prince thinks he’s too good for us peasants and rabble who listen to his speeches.

          He is handsome. And funny. But lately, the personal touch is missing. And that’s a big part of why we like internet celebrities anyways. They dispense with the sense of “other”. They make us feel like they’re just “one of us”. Like a distant friend we never see but still enjoy spending time with or watching videos of doing stupid stuff.

          Spoony, despite his many virtues seems to be wearing purple, if only in his mind.

          • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

            Yeah I mean Doug Walker (Nostalgia Critic) sometimes he would make personal videos talking to his fans, but he’d act like just a regular guy and talk to us likewise. As if we’re no different.
            And.Linkara responds to his fans on his comments boards frequently. It’s very rare for reviewers, lest mods to chat with the fans so casually.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            And see that’s what I LOVE about internet celebrities. The fact that I feel that oh my gosh moment when they comment. It’s like being part of a big family and that family is your fellow fans.

          • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

            And Linkara personally is a really nice guy to his fans, once I asked him a question (Can’t remember what it was) and he answered, then said “Don’t worry I’m not mad” (One of my greatest fears is offending someone I greatly admire) despite I don’t think I said anything to tick him off, it’s almost like he knew I was nervous talking to him… O_o

    • http://twitter.com/TTHOOM Tim Terrell

      Yes, that is so unique that you have similar views on things as Spoony…unlike the thousands of other people who watch his videos.

  • http://www.facebook.com/maria.white.18062 Maria White

    There was never a more tale of woe, than that of Spoony, and FF betrayal.

    • Godmars

      The FF13 betrayal.

      The one so bad he apologized for FF8…

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Does FFXIII screw up continuity with XII? NO! Because it’s NOT connected to XII or any other Final Fantasy game before it! None of the mainline games are connected to one another, there all different stories so no matter how bad one story is to another, they CAN’T betray one another! Only directs sequels can’t betray their predecessors like XIII-2 did with XIII.

        • http://www.facebook.com/maria.white.18062 Maria White

          You can roughly map out a timeline, within two differing sets of games. The first games relating to crystals, are in the crystal universe ((Crystal Chronicles, FF1-3?)) But basically after that, you get into each and every single one basically in its own dimension of the same ‘planet.’ EX: Chocobos are a main stay of almost every single game since four if I remember correctly. And many of these hold the same concepts in game play only lightly differing. Seven, could even be a part of the crystal universe far into the future when Miasma has been destroyed, and the world has been left to prosper, then since the mana trees are no longer needed, ((reactors destroy them, etc)) they wither and die. But Eight is really where everything changed. ((Wait… is there a Cid in XIII?))

          It basically started a whole trend of just ‘you know lets change EVERYTHING’ instead of now holding call backs to the old systems in place, as well as plot and storyline, characters. Nine was a call back to this, but it is almost a intermediary to ten. Preparing ourselves for nice 3d graphics! After that… we no longer really have the best of games, via gameplay and plot value. While you can almost count on slaying a big bad in an epic battle of wills and power… now you just kick a tick in the face and win the game. Joy.

          Eleven I’ve never played, because I didn’t like the design of the game. I’ve played, god knows how many online RPGs just like the game, and quite frankly if I played it I would be bored out of my mind. With the game play footage I’ve seen its just is basically like a turn-style Real time rpg? I don’t know, I’m not interested in the game at all.

          Tweleve, oh dear god twelve. I never even glanced at this game. While I’ve seen my brother playing it, with his feet. No, I’m not joking. No, he wasn’t either. This is what he told me about it: “This is great, I can level up my characters without looking so I can play GTA on my vida.” Joy.

          Thirteen…. thirteen, is all I really have to say. Not only does it not even SOUND like final fantasy it doesn’t even PLAY like the older games. While I am used to going and getting different play styles in some sequels, I didn’t even think this was an actual FF game, and had to remind myself it was one. If you have seen Mars Gurls reviews of this game, you’ll find that they basically had NO ONE of the original designers on the game, not even using the same composer, thusly meaning that it doesn’t even SOUND like FF. After every battle I have to hum the victory theme, because it just feels so utterly OUT OF PLACE to not have at least some kind of iteration of the song. But no, we get a battle system which grades you on how fast you beat the enemies or how well you do so. Not even the so called ‘job’ system is good, because it is the EXACT same for each character thusly like eight not having identity to each character other then their chosen weapon. I do so love referring people by their weapons, gun guy, sword girl,… boomerang…. staff, uhh… antlerwhip stick?
          Thirteen is a betrayal because it has NOTHING of the original games. Not the soundtrack, ((While always good, doesn’t sound like FF.)) not even the game play. Which belongs more to Real Time strategy then a turn based battle system. I think they just liked RTS game play so much they re-made it but made it ‘turn based’. A very loose definition of turn based I mean.

          Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral
          and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals,
          between organizations or between individuals and organizations.

          So. In essence, FFXIII is a utter betrayal of the series. Being that it was the game that most long time fans just stopped playing and vowed to never play a FF game ever again. I love the FF series, yet I will never guy another FF game ever again, even if it is a remake. Because god knows that they will utterly change FF7 so that it is only that game in name only. Ever since I saw the tenth remake of Four, with one of the most female looking characters ever in history, Cecil. I stopped looking forward to new games by SE. I won’t buy their games, I won’t pay into them, because I hate what they have done. Because they DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR LONG TIME FANS. Their one and only demographic now is to get those people that don’t buy games, to buy games. THAT is the only thing they want. They only want money, YOUR money. They don’t care about their games anymore.

        • Godmars

          The increasing crime of the FF series has been the inability to create a believable narrative within each of it story universes as well as gameplay mechanics.

          In FF6 you the player can believe a character who happens to look like a famous opera star can stand in for the other during a performance with little to no perpetration. Or that another could duplex a demon train. But you could and did because of how that world was setup.

          In FF8 it became hard to swallow that most of the people you just met were actually childhood friends. That one who explicitly was going to kill the leading villain not only knew who they actually were and that they couldn’t do it. And then there was the BS about the Jabba rip-off and multiple issues with time travel, paradoxes and characters who still given all that couldn’t possibly have known what they did when they did, yet if they did they should have done things differently. Still, for all its flaws the game itself was generally a good ride.

          Now there’s FF13: a game which relies more upon the history of the series than anything within itself. A convoluted mess which still somehow moves in a straight line. A painfully obvious straight line. And then in a full fuck you to its own history it has direct sequels which actually add nothing to it.

          THAT is the FF13 betrayal: Square didn’t want to invest the resources it took to create a world with any real depth, really in all the time it took them to get the game out only had character designs, and now are stretching out its flimsy and pretentious excuse of a story into two other games because they wanted to put the crap out ASAP – once a year – so they could take money from the franchises non-thinking fans.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Non-thinking fan, am I?

          • Godmars

            If you bought FF13 based on brand name trust, then I’m right in that unfortunate boat with you.

            But if you agree with what Spoony and others have said, if you weren’t having second thoughts 20 hours in or bought FF13-2 while looking unquestioningly forward to FF13-3, then my friend you’re on your own.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Don’t think I’m not more than skeptical about LR because XIII had moments that pissed me off and XIII-2 was far worse, borderline-insulting to those who were patient with XIII. Don’t you ever think I blindly love XIII like a twat.

          • nicolbolas

            The *really* sad part is that FF13′s world actually has potential. Think about it.

            You’ve got a civilization that has grown dependent on the benefits provided by Eldritch Abominations that they don’t really understand. A civilization that is practically built on *Chuthlu* and beings of that nature, creatures that barely even understand human life, let alone are able to communicate with it. Every now and then, they select a human to do something, but due to not really understanding humans, they can’t communicate very well. So the humans don’t really understand what it is they need to do.

            You could write *dozens* of stories based on this concept alone. Consider a group of heroes trying to overthrow the government, perhaps in an attempt to develop a society that is less dependent on these Fal’Cie. But one of the group is actually a secret l’Cie, a Fal’Cie agent who’s focus was to kill the leader of the anti-government group. And by doing so, the Fal’Cie maintain their hold on the planet’s population.

            Or perhaps the Fal’Cie want to leave and the human government is effectively holding them as slaves, using their powers to benefit civilization. And your group, originally government supporters, eventually come to understand that the foundation of all human civilization is the slavery of these powerful creatures. And all of the l’Cie the protagonists have been hunting down are attempts by the Fal’Cie to try to break free.

            You can keep going with this indefinitely. If this were the Square from the FFIV days, they could have developed an excellent story around it. But not this Square.

          • Godmars

            But we got what we got from Square, a religious allegory where God put angels in charge of humans and went elsewhere and they quickly become bad abusive stewards who want God back. Hatch some inane plan which either kills all humans, something they could do themselves quite easily, or evolve a human to kill both humans and angels.

            I could go further but trying to consider how Square tried to present the idea only to fail to the level they did makes me ill.

            What really sad is that by what they managed to do Square was clearly over their head in using what tools they had and only blundered on regardless. Defended crap like no towns as “artistic choice” when the obvious truth was they had no clue as to how to do it.

  • http://twitter.com/WoodBuzz Travus Hauxhurst

    haha awesome spoony I’ve been waiting for this vid and it was great

  • http://twitter.com/Eagle7D8 Christopher Lee

    Awesome.

  • benjidoc

    I was gonna finish FFXIII then watch your reviews so the storyline isn’t spoiled. But fuck, this game is so boringgggg. I’ll just watch this instead.

  • http://www.facebook.com/garrick.m.hendricks Garrick Mitchell Hendricks

    First, does this game seriously have you air juggle a giant mecha bulbasaur? Second awesome snob impression. Lastly, How the fuck could people have enjoyed this and have wanted a sequel from this piece of shit?

    • http://twitter.com/redviv Vivi Roth

      “People” didn’t demand one. But Square had so much level art and such done that they made one anyway. Otherwise they’d have to reduce their 70-or-something percent art staff. One might start to see where this company went wrong.

      • TheVGamer

        All made possible by the fact that squeenix doesn’t know how to make a game. Uncoordinated and haphazard, the various teams that worked on this game ended up making too much content because no one told them how much they should make and when they should stop. So of course, like practically every shitty game ever, the fault can be traced back to shitty management. Looking forward to spoony’s review of the third one in 2017!

        • nicolbolas

          > Uncoordinated and haphazard, the various teams that worked on this game
          ended up making too much content because no one told them how much they
          should make and when they should stop.

          … How does that even *happen*? I mean… what? How do artists just keep making characters and levels, without someone telling them what these characters and levels are *for*? Isn’t that a necessary starting point for doing *anything at all*?

          However, you’re right; this completely explains everything we see in the game. It is literally a bunch of random art assets slapped together with no rhyme or reason, using a garbage story to link them together. That’s why there’s a “crash in a new place” every 5 minutes in the story; it’s the easiest way to explain why they’re in a new place.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Even I, a fan of XIII, was pissed off with XIII-2 because it pulls a new plot out of it’s ass rather than clarify what happened after that stupid ending in XIII. I wanted to see a new conflict between those siding with the main six and those who lament over the loss over their fal’Cie. Instead we get time travel with a bunch of teen twats and a mascot.

        No doubt Lightning Returns will piss me off by making Lightning into a robot or how you would see it, Lightning actually end up with even less personality than before, which you would find impossible but there you go.

    • theshamster

      TWO sequels!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I didn’t want a sequel, I wanted the game to be Lightning’s story but the game or it’s developers give a damn about Lightning. No, seriously! Motomu Toriyama can talk and talk and talk and talk about Lightning until we all dance on the moon but he seems more concerned on thinking he’s funny when he attempts to write comedy in XIII-2, which has Serah act like a fucking twat. Why the fuck did Lightning even bothered sacrificing her job to save a sister who clearly wants to be a retard like Snow.

      Don’t insult people who DO like XIII. Not all us fans are as shallow and stupid like you old-school “VI is better than VII” hipsters.

      • Christopher Smith

        You really don’t know what a hipster is, do you? :D:D

        • Casey Williamson

          You don’t know yet?

      • christian wright

        um. most people who take a critical look at VI and VII find VI to be a better game. to be hipster, it would have to deviate far from the norm. it is about a 50-50 split between fans on which is better and a for critics a 60% for 6 and a 40% for 7. it is pretty even on which game is better therefore saying six is better would not make a person a hipster

    • doresh

      They didn’t want a sequel. Square did.

    • http://www.facebook.com/joana.eme Joana Eme

      I didn’t want a sequel (and it didn’t need one), but I like the FFXIII series. I enjoyed it for the story, and the whole world concept. But hey, no hard feelings.

      • http://www.facebook.com/Tanakh0101 Brian Daege

        Why?

        • http://www.facebook.com/joana.eme Joana Eme

          “Why”, what part?

    • http://twitter.com/Jesseraygarza Jesse Garza

      The sequels and spinoffs where already made, being worked on, and talked about before this game was even released, so fans did not want a sequel to this, it was square enix’s plan to shove it down our necks deep throat style right from the get go, whether people actually liked the game or not.

  • http://www.facebook.com/foster.daviessmith Foster Davies-Smith

    I don’t play many JRPG’s because there are a few things I just cannot stand that Japan is all over. First, idiot angsty twits who have all the power in the world but sit around with their thumbs up their asses instead of doing something. Second, The complete retard that can’t read a children’s book without help somehow here to save us all. Third, the DISGUSTING stereotypes. I have family that branches to every square inch of the globe so such portrayals make me feel like I have to defend an uncle or a cousin.

    Finally, and most damning of almost everything that has ever, EVER come out of Japan, the idiot plots that could be solved in five seconds with common sense. I have honestly looked into dozens of anime and games and even manga… and I can count on one hand how many of them have a plot that solely relies on someone in power being a complete and total idiot. Or passive aggressive to the point of ridiculousness.

    I’m not trying to bash cultures here, I have a second cousin who’s Japonese… but COME ON!! Don’t you people fucking talk to each other?!

    • zarrotsu

      Ironically, many companies actually don’t.

      The primary solution to this problem would be to stop buying or watching the crap that does fall into an obvious bad plot with shit characters in a thumb-up-ass situation, but the problem is we have a lot of adolescent teenagers bopping around looking for something fresh and exciting. But unfortunately, they either turn to something like FFXIII, or something like Modern Gunshootfucker 3: Dirty nukelickers: Revengence. And as long as these things make sales, they will continue to exist, because income = demographic need = make more for more of the same income.

      And in some cases, it’s simply the fame of yesteryear in the hands of some newbie who thinks he knows better, or an oldbie blinded by what he can do instead of what he should. Because some company like Square or Enix put out some really good games a decade ago, they themselves assume they can do no wrong, bolstered by fans who are either clinging to nostalgia or jumping in on the ground that the name is so wide-spread.

      The only real reason these such stereotypes and dipshit characters exist is because there are enough people who WANT them to exist, however intentional or unintentional it is. And it will only get worse.

      • http://twitter.com/JerryForbe Jerry Forbe

        Yeah, it surprising in the amount of people who actually like these dipshit characters and stereotypes. I mean, in a game like Team Fortress 2 where there’s no story or character development, it’s acceptable not new or innovative but acceptable. But in RPG’s its just out of place, and in a few comics the majority of its fans approve of big-boobed (‘big’ is a HUGE understatement) and big assed female characters with no personality (not naming anything).

        People keep asking for the same shit, so they get the same shit.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          I can’t stand Team Fortress 2 or any Valve games because it’s fans try to turn every fucking thing going on into a fucking meme. Who cares about hats? Who cares about Gabe Newell’s weight?

          • http://twitter.com/JerryForbe Jerry Forbe

            So you don’t like it because of the fans? That’s understandable.

            I really never liked playing the game or had any fun out of it, just my opinion (though to be fair no servers were full anyway).

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            To be fair, I’m sure the games are good. I actually found the puzzle solving in the Portal demo to be really clever.

          • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

            You don’t like it because of the fans? Games aren’t about the fans, it’s about the gameplay. If the game itself is fun just enjoy it, who cares what memes or stereotypes or fanbases do. Heck I’m a Pokemon fan and I’m sick to death of the “Old vs New” wars. But I just ignore it and play because I love the games. Same with Doctor Who, I can’t stand the “Old fans vs New fans” debates but does that stop me from watching? No! I’m not telling you what to do, I’m not ordering or forcing you to play it. But I personally think not liking something solely by the fanbase alone is kind of dumb.

          • zarrotsu

            Depends on if the game is an online experience or not. I myself loathe a game like Terraria solely due to its community – while I can respect the game in itself, the act of trying to point out its flaws to the community in an attempt to make the game better as a whole is met only with “You don’t know any better”, or “You suck at the game”, regardless of whether or not I’m even talking about difficulty.

            TF2′s case, unless you play exclusively against bots for some reason, you’re going to be forced to mingle with people who range from dipshits to tryhard to people who complain about the dipshits to people who complain about the tryhards to people who desperately want to be ‘friendly’ and complain or scream for a ban when you say ‘no’. It’s a mixed bag to be sure, but you can always opt to just blow people up when they get on your nerves (or feel rewarded when you finally do after they cockblock you for 10 minutes).

          • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

            I assumed you could turn the chat option off in TF2. I do own it, but haven’t actually played it yet. I hate dealing with online assholes but like I said. I assumed it was more World of Warcraft in which you could join up with people but don’t have to say anything to them.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nash-Knight/740228999 Nash Knight

        The problem is that jRPGs are inviting. The all look great, the videos are breathtaking, the trailers get you hyped and people (like me) say “Oh boy this must be great!”. And you start playing and few hours in you realize it’t not just not good, it’s a completely retarded piece of shit! They got me oh so many times before I came to my senses.

        • zarrotsu

          I think the most inviting jRPGs are the ones that look cool from a gameplay or character motivation perspective. As soon as you have a trailer showing the protagonist doing gravity-defying flips and killing unnamed soldiers because they look like stormtroopers – but never once explain their motivation – you’re immediately folding on the idea that your target audience is a bunch of morons. And if they buy it, they probably are.

          On the other hand, if you get a trailer that actually tells you the shit going down, you’ve a lot more reason to ACTUALLY care. If the trailer can verbally or textually explain the situation and character motive, it’s a lot more likely to be a good one than just a confusing, motivation-less dungeon romp.

          Example: Radiant Historia. A really fucking GOOD jRPG that I honestly believe to be better than Chrono Trigger as a ‘best ever jRPG’ (Not to mention using time travel to avert the end of the world), and better than TWEWY as a ‘best DS jRPG’. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD9FevMw1_o

          Taking another example below, the reason people are most interested in TF2 (myself included) is that the characters are actually given unique personalities, reasons and motivations to do what they do. Even if you absolutely hate TF2, you at least have to give credit where credit is due that it put a lot more effort into its characters than a lot of other FPSes or jRPGs or games in general, and it never HAD TO to begin with.

          • http://twitter.com/JerryForbe Jerry Forbe

            haha nice, to be fair though, I never saw those videos even after I got the game on steam. Heck, I didn’t even know they existed.

    • theshamster

      This is why you should write your own story.
      I myself am writing my own novel; I have completed university and I hope to make a fantasy themed story and I want to make sure that none of the characters say or do anything stupid unless it’s part of their nature.
      For example, one character has a disability where he can’t feel fear, and he constantly gets into trouble or danger and is almost beaten to death for his smartass attitude by the enemy commander when he and his group get captured.

      • http://twitter.com/TTHOOM Tim Terrell

        But remember, sometimes smart and usually sensible people make mistakes once in awhile. They can underestimate or overestimate themselves or others.

      • http://www.facebook.com/foster.daviessmith Foster Davies-Smith

        I have written a novel, I don’t have the funds for self publication and no company will take it.

        • http://www.facebook.com/maria.white.18062 Maria White

          Take it to Iceland, they have the highest publishing rates then anywhere else. ((If only because they have 280k people)) They also all have the highest literary people who read books like mothereffers. I’m sure if you submit to a Icelandic publishing company they will seriously look into your novel.

        • Christopher Smith

          Not trying to discourage you or anything but it could just be that it’s not ‘professional enough’ or up to publishers’ standards. I’d try to keep improving instead of trying to push one novel when it’s just not selling.

        • theshamster

          Try joining a writers guild, also why not write some short stories and send them to magazines and newspapers, eventually someone will take notice of you and ask to see your work.

          if you want to try self-publishing (once you do get the funds) promote your work, go to libraries, schools, universities, conventions, anywhere that deals with literature and sell your work; get people to recognize you.

          You can also try contacting authors and get some helpful advice; I have, and I write to them occasionally.

          However, the most important thing is to avoid “vanity publishers”. They are the ones who say “We’ll sell you book, but you have to pay for it first”, plus they make newspaper ads like “Authors wanted. $$$$$”, plus they only sell their books on their website and never give them to bookshops.

          Finally, don’t give up. You can and will do this, I know you can.

      • Christopher Smith

        Just curious: What does completing university have to do with anything? :D

        • theshamster

          It helps you with knowing how to use proper grammar, editing skills, publishing and also helps when you present your work to a publisher; having a bachelors degree goes a long way when trying to get your written work accepted.

          Also, I felt that I needed education in how to write a novel the correct way, as I want to do this professionally. It’s not required, but I chose to do this.

    • RectPropagation

      I can count on one hand how many of them don’t have a plot that solely
      relies on someone in power being a complete and total idiot.

      Oh come on, LOTS of stories rely on on someone being an idiot. That’s hardly unique to Japan. Neither are the stereotypes. Maybe the stereotypes in Japan happen to be different (seriously, what’s up with putting birds in people’s afros) but they aren’t the only country where that happens frequently.

    • Glenn Seto

      I’m still baffled that Persona 4 became such an insane hit, in spite of featuring a very optimistic and proactive cast. Maybe you can get away with characters who are NOT complete assholes, when battling their inner demons is part of the gameplay.

      • Gborr

        No, rather, P4 became such an insane hit because it is a GREAT game with great gameplay, great story, great pacing and some of the most relatable and diverse characters in JRPG history. It’s just that the guys at Atlus actually know the cardinal rule of storytelling (something that so many modern “dark” and “realistic” games completely forget): juxtaposition.

        Simply put, you cannot have proper sad moments without having happy ones. You just generally cannot, as a human, relate to a constantly brooding and grim characters when something bad happens to them, because it doesn’t change the status quo. On the other hand, if you take a nice, well rounded cast, have them establish their own little relationships and allow them to have FUN, then when disaster strikes (like, say, when something bad happens to an innocent character in P4 at the end), it radically changes the status quo and gives the player the incentive to care about the characters and their efforts, and conversely, once the tragedy is averted, it is all the more satisfying to see them return to their normal, lighthearted days.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jonathan.l.whittington Jonathan Luke Whittington

    I would have said that they stole the air juggling from Grandia 3…but since SE published the game, and they aren’t making a new one, I guess I don’t have a problem with it…even if Grandia 3 still did it better.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

    I love how at the end she’s like “ehhhh….” when sazh offers to go on a date with her.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jake.oakley.5 Jake Oakley

    Oh my God, that cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit was awful. I think Tori Amos did that song more justice.

    Otherwise, awesome review. Certainly worth the wait. Keep it up.

  • Erik Kowalsky

    I’m glad to see the new opening again.

  • http://twitter.com/JT_Cano JT Cano

    I must say, this is probably the best episode you have done in quite awhile Noah. Nothing felt off and every joke was funny. Hats off to you sir! Good job!

  • http://twitter.com/BeckNutcase Jacob Beck

    YOU DON’T KNOW YET

    • theshamster

      NO, I don’t know! Do you?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Konstantin-Akhmetov/100000303416185 Konstantin Akhmetov

      I’m not entirely sure!

  • http://twitter.com/arkle Brian Arkle Webber

    You know, I bet stoned this game would be loads of fun.

    • theshamster

      Actually, I bet it would only make things worse; if you were stoned and played the game, you would end up pointing out each and every flaw, while having nightmares of the idiotic enemies and stupid characters.
      And why did they make 2 more games that ‘continue’ this story?

  • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

    Oh, gods, the main characters’ complete disregard for the lives of the mooks is one of my biggest gripes in this game. They don’t even try to make the characters the least bit conflicted about killing them–especially when it comes to Hope. I mean, Hope’s just a kid, but he doesn’t even stop to think about the weight of taking a life. There are soldiers and police officers that go through years of PTSD from just taking one life, but I guess Hope’s just a complete sociopath, because it never even bothers him once. Made worse by the fact that’s it’s established that a good chunk of the soldiers hunting the l’Cie in Palumpolum are basically from the local special forces, so he might even be killing people he’s seen before, or even relatives or old friends. It just leaves a poor taste in my mouth.

    • theshamster

      It’s kind of like the technicians and officers/guards of the Death Star’s in Star Wars; they’re just doing their jobs and not in the way of dealing with dangerous rebels, when suddenly BOOM! Some twink blows up the station, murdering everyone on board.

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        Except here it’s more “whoops, the death star blew up all the rebels! Empathize with the death star, damnit, it needed to defend itself.”
        I mean, that’s basically what the l’Cie are to Cocoon–super powerful evil killing machines that have the potential to destroy the world, only with sentience But, yeah, lots of needless death either way.

      • zarrotsu

        I’d like to think the Death Star doesn’t really count because of how cartoonish it all is. True, there’s a lot of people just doing their jobs, but why would you ever willingly work for a guy who built something called “The Death Star”, and something that can blow planets up? Even if you’re just a repairman on board or the IT guy, at some point you’d have to be made aware of the giant planet-skullfucker beam.

        Really, the only people you can feasably be sorry for are the guys who got shipped on-board with the idea that it was a large-scale city, directed onto it from the side opposite the giant beam-cannon, and given a false name for what the thing was called. But considering how cartoonishly evil the sith lord is, and Vader is when he’s angry at an officer, I’d think this knowledge would EASILY be wide-spread. And if you don’t jump ship the first moment you learn you’re a part of a planet-exploding beam-cannon, you aren’t exactly redeemable of the genocide you’re a part of.

        • http://www.facebook.com/maria.white.18062 Maria White

          What have you done?! You have blasphemed the covenant of nerds!
          I can hold them back, but not for long! FLEE my friend! If they strike me down I… well… I’ll die. I’m no jedi…

        • MichaelT

          To be fair, though, I’m pretty sure those Imperial engineers didn’t have a choice.
          “Repair that reactor or Lord Vader will toss your ass into a trash compactor.”

        • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

          Then again maybe most of the workers on the Deathstar didn’t know what it was going to do, maybe only the head officers knew. Because after all it was supposed to be a secret until it was finished. They didn’t want the rebels knowing about either Deathstar. Who knows how many rebel spies were working amongst them? But the fact is, once you realize what it does, and want out… you die. Darth Vader would not accept mutiny, he would kill every person who would defy his plans painfully. Either by choking them, or heck even using the force to snap their spines or even rip their torsos off their bodies.

          I think they were just too cowardly to disobey.

        • http://www.facebook.com/mpawlakzyrardow Michał Pawlak

          You know, the same can be said about the people in charge of guarding and maintaining nuclear ICBM’s – if they were ever used, it would be the death sentence for all life on Earth. Who said that the Death Star wasn’t labeled by the Empire’s regime as a “deterrent”, and it’s use was justified by the threat the Rebels posed, or by propaganda and false flags staged by the Empire ?

          • J.G. te Molder

            Uh… no. Even if we launched all our nukes back at the height of our nuclear armament, we wouldn’t come anywhere close to destroying all life on the planet. If we get 20% we’d be lucky. We ourselves would survive as well. Our weapons’ destructive capacity has been greately exaggerated.

            And it would be etirely fine to kill the people going to launch the ICBMs if they were going to be launched by the people being targeted and be glad they succeeded. First, the are military personal and a military installation, making them valid military targets, as opposed the cops in the game. Further, you would not have a choice; you’re not killing them for the heck of it here; which they did do in the game.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

          I think the whole point is that the empire in star wars was supposed to be reminiscent of the Axis powers in WW2. If you look at the uniforms, they’re extremely fascist and Nazi-like. Even the way they march and salute is Nazi like. So it wouldn’t be unreasonable to presume that they had similar methods of control. Most of the people in Nazi Germany didn’t know about the concentration camps. Some did, but were too afraid to speak up. The Nazi’s were very good at propaganda. Do you really think every German who fought for the Nazi’s knew about their real plans? Soldiers in the USA don’t even know everything all the time. The higher ups knew, but there is reason to suspect not all of the middle management knew, or probably even wanted to know. Evil thrives on cowardice, and even if they had an inkling they probably rationalized it out of their minds. The empire in star wars was probably the exact same.

          • zarrotsu

            Yes, but I can’t think of any town names in Germany that are called “ToxicJew-killersville”.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            What? How does that even fit in with my original comment?

        • http://www.facebook.com/alexander.wood.963 Alexander Wood

          They wrote a book about it. It’s a pretty good one.

      • http://twitter.com/Das_Bass Das_Bass

        See Clerks then come back ;)

      • J.G. te Molder

        What choice did the Rebels have, though? Blow it up, or watch it blow up planets and kill many more; not to mention take away people’s freedoms, whatever is left of it. In this, they have only two choices: 1. surrender and see horror and death across the galaxy, 2. destroy the Death Star, kill the people on it, but prevent many more deaths, torture and suffering.

        FFXIII is, “Well, I could just leave on my super duper bike, or just knock them out and then escape, but no! I’m going to brutally murder them for shits and giggles.”

        • http://www.facebook.com/mpawlakzyrardow Michał Pawlak

          Well OK, but did they have to cheer, high five and laugh after killing thousands of people ?

          • J.G. te Molder

            Yes, because it ended the oppression of the Empire.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Rodoy/775323495 David Rodoy

            Only the second time.

      • http://www.facebook.com/mpawlakzyrardow Michał Pawlak

        NEVAR FORGET

    • Godmars

      I’m still wondering what Snow was rebelling against or who he had formed a rebel group against. Why he needed some techno jacket or where he got it from.

      Honestly, if Square’s head wasn’t hadn’t been so far up their non-nonsensical ass they could have explained away his and everyone else’s abilities to fight giant mechs and the like from being given them once they were branded. But no.

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        My headcanon for Snow’s tencho coat is that the Techie!Nora member made it in his spare time, and Snow just starting using because “Eh, fits my style anyway”. Not the best explanation, but damnit, makes more sense than the game’s non-answer.

        • Godmars

          My headcannon rewrites the entire game to where it plays out like a buddy cop chase movie, characters make and refit their weapons and are forced to rely on the other’s skills as they build combos, L’cie aren’t as taboo but Pulse’s and Cocoon’s war against each other w/humans as pawns, *and* there are Panzer Dragoon on rails flying segments.

      • http://www.facebook.com/louis.deschenes1 Louis Deschênes

        You are still wondering why Snow is rebelling? Hell hero has no plan, he don’t need a reason to rebel! ;) Just jesting of course… Well half joking that is.

        • Godmars

          T__T

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Rodoy/775323495 David Rodoy

          The original rebel without a clue.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        Read the plot synopsis for FF15. Yes. They already have it written in all it’s emo, anime-ish hammy glory. It’s slated for release in 2017.

    • Glenn Seto

      I agree. In FF7 people openly question Avalanche’s methods and in FF6 even a hardened veteran like Celes ponders the morality of it all. Isn’t that part of what drew us to the series in the first place?

      • cruelsummer

        today all kids have autism and don’t know a rat ass about the concept of morality

        • http://twitter.com/Porecomesis Porecomesis

          Speaking as someone who is the child of parents that run a support group for children with autism, I declare the inverse and say that people that don’t have autism or know the feeling of pain or ostracisation don’t know the concept of morality or empathy.

    • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

      Though you have to remember that every FF game does this.

      The characters in 7 killing Shinra soldiers/employees left to right. Those people are just doing their job, it’s not like they’d willingly go after guys with a 10 ft long sword, a machine gun for a hand, and a feral looking wolf with a flaming tail.

      But or course, that’s a completely different scenario because Cloud and the others know how important a life is and… actually they never show any remorse in killing their enemies. How is this different…?

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        The characters in FF7 have the excuse that most of them are either eco-terrorists prepared to kill to begin with and they live in an extremely crappy world. Not only that, but ShinRa proved time and time again that it has no interests of the people at heart. The mooks of XIII, however, are just trying to protect the civilians in the only way they’ve been trained how.

        Honestly, given the setting, it’s almost certain that Aerith has probably killed to defend herself before (remember all the thieves you mow down in the district where you first meet her?) Also, Aerith was an adult over twenty, whereas Hope is what, barely sixteen and has never experienced along like this sort of thing before? Sure, they’re both implausible but XIII just destroys the suspension of disbelief.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amber-Biliouris/100000382364353 Amber Biliouris

          In Crisis Core, there is a cut scene, if you get the limit break right, where Zack is shown only ko’ing monsters, then telling Cloud they need to move on before the beasts wake up. Zack admits he hates killing. When facing wutain in side missions, he does leave them alive. The only time you know 100% that Zack is killing is his last battle. That was when he was openly fighting for his life.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            Zack’s a right cool character. Couldn’t care less about Crisis Core as a whole, but it had a lot of great character moments like that.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Rodoy/775323495 David Rodoy

        Bit different killing civilian defense forces (FF XIII) as compared to jackbooted corporate thugs responsible for the mass suppression of the majority of human civilisation (FF VII).

        • http://www.facebook.com/michael.wills.161 Michael Wills

          Pretty much this.
          The soldiers in FF XIII are really only defending their home and people from a perceived threat whereas in FF VII the soldiers are supporting a corporation which drains the planets resources with no regard to the consequences hence Avalanches actions.
          Avalanche may have killed people just following orders but they were working towards a greater good.
          Lightning and co have no sufficient reason to kill these soldiers. They have the option to run and they have no idea what their focus is so the soldiers that die, die for no good reason.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            THEY DIE FOR THE BEST REASON OF ALL! BECAUSE THE PLOT DEMANDS IT! ALL FEAR THE GOD OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE PLOTS!

            MOTOMU TORIYAMA!

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      Well, Hope is the team mage. Maybe in story, he’s just hitting them with the Sleep spell? >_>

    • http://www.facebook.com/mpawlakzyrardow Michał Pawlak

      You know, I actually had such problems with FF7. The Soldier members which you slaughter throughout the game are just carrying out orders, just like Cloud before the Nibelheim incident. And don’t get me started on Avalanche blowing up the reactor and killing hundreds if not thousands by doing so.

      • dream_asylum

        Well, they were terrorists at that part of the story. Hell, Cloud’s
        excuse was even worse. “i’m broke” is not usually a good excuse to
        commit mass murder. Just sayin’.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Rodoy/775323495 David Rodoy

          Cloud does not start FF VII as a very nice person. I figured that was pretty clear. It’s really once once he meets Aeris that he begins to change, and once Sephiroth returns and he meanders into leading the charge to save the world he starts the big turn around.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amber-Biliouris/100000382364353 Amber Biliouris

          Yes, Cloud starts off an A&&hole. As the game goes, he realizes he has to change and care. Unlike ff13, the characters do feel bad for the explosions at the beginning of the game. Plus, FF13 goes out of the way to make the people being killed seem more human. In the end, the npcs being made to feel more like people and to be utterly killed only makes the ff13 characters look worse. In ff7, there are times you can decide not to kill. Like stealing the sub, you can capture the bridge crew alive. Or if you did the Wutia scenerio, you don’t need to fight the Turks in the last battle. Does ff13 even give you such options?

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        I admittingly had some of those same issues at the beginning (though they didn’t really take me out of the gameplay) with AVALANCHE’s actions until ShinRa destroyed Sector 7. Then it was all “You’re still working for this company after this? Fuck you.”

        • http://twitter.com/Squall409 Jon Defiler

          You mean they -shouldn’t- be part of the company that is chasing the terrorists that destroyed sector 7? By working for Shinra these people get the opportunity to go after these genocidal terrorists.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            Huh…? AVALANCHE didn’t destroy Sector 7, though. O.o The Turks did, on ShinRa’s orders. Granted, I seem to recall that ShinRa did blame the Sector 7 collapse on AVALANCHE, so I guess you got a point.

            But really, transparently evil company is evil. A lot of NPCs questioned ShinRa’s actions, and their intolerance of people who didn’t bend to their will was pretty well known. Hell, they were even douches in the aftermath of the collapse, seeing as they refused to rebuild it and just raised taxes instead.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            I think he’s role playing :P

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            I’m an idiot. :D

          • http://twitter.com/Squall409 Jon Defiler

            Naw, you’re human. Sarcasm is very difficult to read. Its just hard to convey a tone of voice with mere words.

            The mooks you kill IN the ShinRa building are just defending themselves. This happens before news could get out besides “Avalanche did it”. Do note Avalanche never does ANY propaganda against ShinRa. They don’t go around telling people ShinRa made the plate fall.

            The chaos following 1/8th of the Midgar being destroyed AND ‘Sephiroth’ running amok and killing the president can delay trying to repair sector 7. Repairs also wouldn’t start until after the rubble is cleared. People on top of the plate may have survived. A 50 meter fall is actually fairly survivable. Its reasonable to assume humanitarian efforts would be going on for weeks before rebuilding would even cross the public’s mind.

            People -outside- of Midgar and in the slums questioned ShinRa. People living on the Plate? Its even said that ShinRa owns the news. (Sephiroth being reported dead) Without seeing it with their own eyes, and with the travel hindered (Security System on the trains) would it really be surprising for those people to be living in ignorance? Those people that then go on to join the company?

            We take for granted the freedom of information we currently have. Imagine living in North Korea. People there thought other nations were sending them food and humanitarian supplies as tribute to the human God Kim-Jong-Il. You severely underestimate disinformation.

    • http://www.facebook.com/michael.wills.161 Michael Wills

      It’s even worse that Square Enix are still trying to convince us that Lightning is a hero hence Final Fantasy: Lightning Returns.

    • http://www.facebook.com/CreedOfHeresy Elegy Mills

      And as Spoony pointed out, the soldiers are more relatable good-guys than the main characters. Like he said, the soldiers are actively defying their CO by refusing to fire in civilian-occupied zones and are actively attempting to use non-lethal methods to subdue the l’cie. This game means to tell me that guys with automatic assault weaponry and mechanized armor support HOLDING THEIR FIRE are totally justified in being killed by a bunch of pricks gutting them with swords and shattering their bodies with their fists? So, the guys with the lethal weapons holding themselves back are the bad guys and the guys who could far more easily use their own weapons in non-lethal takedown methods but are instead using the most extreme methods of lethality are the good guys? What the unbelievable fuck is this shit?? The “good” guys endanger civilians, use lethal force on opponents NOT using lethal force, and ACTUALLY CONTEMPLATE DAMNING TENS OF THOUSANDS TO THE EXCRUCIATINGLY SLOW DEATH BY STARVATION JUST FOR THEIR OWN FUCKING SELFISH AGENDAS?! FUCK YOU SQUARE AND FUCK THIS GAME, and fuck the writing staff, too; these hacks make Stephenie Myers’ shit seem Shakespearean by comparison! I could write a better fucking story than this! IN FACT, I’m going to go do just that! Thank you, Spoony, for this review; it inspired me to write a story for the sole sake of mocking this shitty game.

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        The only argument that can be made in the main characters’ favor is that they probably didn’t actually know that the mooks were holding back; that was information only revealed to the player in a cutscene to make anti-pulse group look bad in comparison to the local military. I think the game just was trying to foreshadow how the PSICOM leader and the Guardian Core people were going to react when Snow makes his “just because we’re l’Cie doesn’t mean we’ve thrown away Cocoon!!!” speech, and wasn’t really thinking on how it reflected on the main characters while they slaughter the mooks between those two points without question.

        Speaking of that speech, I hope Spoony tears it a new one in his next review. It deserves it.

  • theshamster

    I’ll have a shot at guessing what the…whatever they’re called want the group to do.
    How about “Exterminate the rebellion of Cocoon who seek to stop us; do this by going (insert location here) and shut it down.”
    Ah, but I forget, that would be using logic when writing a story.

    • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

      Their focus is actually a bit deeper than that, to the game’s credit. The main villain tries to convince the team that something close to that is their Focus for most of the game, though.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Lauderdale/100000047693553 Chris Lauderdale

    To be fair… that last 200 foot drop ends with Hope unconscious and Snow limping and eventually fainting, waking up wrapped in bandages. I think they are implying his ribs get broken.

    Still they should be, I dunno, DEAD.

    This game was a 10 hour game squeezed into 40 hours. I get where they were going with it, the point is slow character interaction, but seriously, it was redundant and stupid in most areas. It was like:

    “We made 30 different areas with our art design and we have to use THEM ALL!”
    “But all these areas are unrelated and the story is supposed to be linear…”
    “Then inflate the play time! WE HAVE TO USE THEM ALL!”

    Having a ton of areas mapped out is great for a sandbox game, but this is the single most linear RPG I have ever played. So instead of a free roam game where you can go to different areas, it instead drags you around like the world’s most boring tour bus.

    There is a reason I never finished this game.

    • DeepthroatGhoul

      I agree with Hope and Snow actually surviving their 200-foot fall.

      Boy, I can’t wait to see Spoony’s face when he finds out in part 4. You hear me, Spoony? Hope’s OK. He just got knocked out cold, so there was no need for the crying!

    • Travis Vardy

      The point of that particular joke was that everyone had survived incredible falls up to that point, before and after their transformation. Snow crashing his flying motorcycle after losing Serah in the fal’Cie, Snow falling hundreds of feet when a war mech blew up the train tracks he was standing on before entering the fal’Cie himself, Hope and Vanille’s bike crash, the fall to the crystallized Lake Bresha, the spaceship crash…

      After all that, Snow and Hope actually show some signs of damage after falling off a building, bouncing off of some awnings and landing in some boxes. You could suspend your disbelief for a fall like that if you were watching an action movie. The fact that THIS fall actually hurt them, after all of the falls that just didn’t, actually wards off the willing suspension of disbelief in the audience because it’s inconsistent compared to what we’ve seen so far.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        If anything, there’s more of a reason for them NOT to be hurt there, because they bounced off awnings and landed on collapsible boxes. It should break the fall. The other falls are the one’s that should have left them with huge injuries and/or death. It breaks the suspension of disbelief even more to see them hurt on THIS fall.

  • Mateusz K.

    poony is giving us some premo content this last few weeks… I’m very happy right now. Thanks.

  • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

    On a side note, I don’t think Sazh and Vanille were really just aimlessly wandering? Despite what the game says, their plan was more or less “go in the dead opposite direction of any target an evil l’Cie would go to, and hope go one thinks to look for us elsewhere,” IIRC. Granted, it’s a really stupid plan, but at least it’s better than the nothing that the game usually dishes out.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Lauderdale/100000047693553 Chris Lauderdale

    My brother on the whole L’Cie focus:

    “I have no idea what I am supposed to do. If I fail I become a zombie. If I succeed… I become a crystal statue. Fuck it. Let’s go get a taco.”

    *Eats taco, turns into crystal statue*

    “Did NOT see that coming!”

    • http://www.facebook.com/SolkaTruesilver Rémi Maloney

      Meh. Sounds like your average half-baked D&D plot.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nash-Knight/740228999 Nash Knight

        You must’ve head a terrible GM

        • http://www.facebook.com/SolkaTruesilver Rémi Maloney

          Think about it: the players have no idea what their mission actually is. They are under some sort of time-limit pressure. But even if they do what is asked of them, they have no real idea if they actually should enjoy their victory..

          It’s simple. FFXIII is an RPG game ran by a terrible GM

          • http://twitter.com/Duo_R4nger Deatherminator

            THIS!

            i think that one of the main reasons of why skyrim and darksouls suceeded in Japan was bcuz FFXIII failed to give us a little bit of history and immersion like the other previous titles(seven its too overrated and VI its awesome), XIII its about a girl with a serious case of “Tedious Boredom”

          • http://twitter.com/Lakstoties Lakstoties

            Even more so… Shallow, self-contradicting characters that are only heroes by game class, over-emphasis on combat prowess, terrible role playing, plot is quite literally on a railroad (hallway), and nothing about the game world makes any sense. Yep, just sounds like a really bad tabletop RPG with an awful GM.

            Direct hit, sir.

          • http://www.facebook.com/SolkaTruesilver Rémi Maloney

            And one of the player goes “Dude, I wanna punch that mutherfucking robot in the balls!! I’m the hero!”

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            Good one haha.

        • Wayne Davis

          Or he’s been watching LordKats sessions. God they suck.

  • bloodshed113094

    Spoony Vs. Final Fantasy XIII? The only thing that could make this better is the Ice Cream I have in the fridge… Be right Back! You know it sucks when this is the first JRPG you ever play and it turns you off the genre for two years until you borrow Tales of Vesperia from a friend and realize that FFXIII is the worst jumping on point ever! When Spoony said “I don’t want to play this game anymore” was damn near exactly were I stopped. I want those two years back Square!

    • SeanMcTiernan

      The Last Story. It’s by the original creator and musical talent behind the old Final Fantasy games, and it is a great game. It’s a very thinly veiled middle finger to SquEnix. Final=Last, Fantasy=Story. Yeah, they went there. The plot is pretty straightforward, but with interesting twists as it goes along, and it manages to wink at some of the old RPG cliches before twisting them.

      The music is great, and fits every scene and battle. Seriously, this game is what FFXIII should have been.

      You should also try Star Ocean if you enjoyed Tales of Vesperia.

      • Maeson

        What about Xenoblade Chronicles?

        I never thought I would have so much fun with a J-RPG again until I touched that game. It’s inmense, a ton of optional/secret minibosses, incredible sountrack and overall a fantastic game.

        And, by the way, i’m very happy that you people over the states, or America in general, have the opportunity to play TLS, XC and PT at last.

      • bloodshed113094

        Thanks! If it’s the one on the Wii, it will be a while before I get around to it. I’ve already played Star Ocean: TLH and bought SO: TTEOT a while back and took a break.

  • theshamster

    I can’t believe how bad the Final Fantasy games have become; FFXIII is the worst game I have seen. Has Square become like E.A?

    • Maeson

      Well, they’re trying very hard to be as bad as E.A.

      Not just doing bad, bad games.For example in japan they are selling Tomb Raider without japanese language.

      That’s a 30 bucks DLC or “language pack”. So you have to pay a total of 80$ for playing a game in your language.

      I really miss the old Squaresoft.

      • theshamster

        Me too. I think I’ll get out FF6 for the PS1 and play that again; THAT had a plot, and the technical stuff wasn’t complicated. Then I’ll play FF9 again.

        • Maeson

          Great choices, lol. 6 it’s a classic and the best for me, and I really liked 9 and how they wanted to go all way back to their roots but with story and char. development.
          And, at least in the spanish translation, Zidane (Which here is called Yitan) was pretty fun to read, and play as. They give him a ladies man sort of personality, but at the same time he was smart and funny.

          And of course, he is a fucking monkey.

          They also localized the vocabulary to use “spanish medieval speech”. I love that.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          What about VII?

          • theshamster

            VII is a genuine classic, but I feel more humbled with 6 and 9.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            It’s good to know people still like VII at least because I think people have forgotten why it’s the most popular game in the series.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            It’s easy to forget why people liked VII when the game itself is really old, and for a long while, also sort of hard to come by (though not nearly as much as IX was). Thankfully it can be downloaded off the PSN now, but still…

            Personally, I’m not a fan of VII. That isn’t to say that there’s anything inherently wrong with it, quite the opposite, in fact, but it’s just not my cup of tea. I think part of has to do with the fact that while groundbreaking at the time, by the time I played FFVII, everything in it had been done in some degree by other, newer, games that I liked better. To each their own.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      XIII isn’t the worst, otherwise there wouldn’t be as much fanart, fanfics, cosplays and fanclubs on deviantART. If you want to go there and troll us fans, be my guest. Let’s see how long you can go without before ending up deviously denied.

      All The Bravest is the worst Final Fantasy game ever. There’s being bad and then there’s just being wrong.

      • Brad Duke

        And there are thousands of pictures of poo on deviantART too! Poo and Final Fantasy XIII: both not the worst because people are drawing them.

  • MichaelT

    The worst thing about this godawful story is that, with just a little reworking and critical thought this could actually be an interesting story.

    Think about it: You’ve got a race of beings able to brand its enemies and force them to do their will lest they become mindless automatons. Innocent people being forced to turn on their countrymen or suffer a lifetime (or perhaps even longer) of soulless misery. Thus, the story of the game could be how a group of heroes must face this choice, and despite the odds are eventually able to fight back against their enemies, freeing the world of them once and for all.

    But NOOOOOOOOO! This game has the utter balls to throw out every single convention of storytelling in favor of pulling such gigantic story contrivances that don’t even begin to form the most rudimentary base of a comprehensive narrative or even allow the player to understand or appreciate the setting, characters, or story. So far, I haven’t seen anything happen but a bunch of obnoxious losers with ambiguous motives bumbling through a series of nondescript scenarios with no incentive to do so.

    And by the by, I haven’t even played this game. I’m getting frustrated with this story just from watching this review. I am completely willing to agree with Spoony on this one:
    “Worst! Writing! EVER!”

    • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

      As someone who’s played the game (well, most of it. I gave up when I realized I was already in the final dungeon, despite next to nothing significant happened in the story after the first major plot twist), that more or less sums up the story in its entirety. The interesting moral conflicts about the main characters’ dilemma aren’t even seen or discussed by the story proper, you have to read about them in the fucking datalogs while listening to the characters make same argument over and over AND OVER AND OVER all the bloody time.

      And that’s just the problems with the plot, because the character development? Swings between nonexistent and completely inconsistent with previous character establishments like a bloody psychotic pendulum. The ONLY two character arcs that have some consistency is Hope dealing with the death of his mother and having to fight to survive alongside grinning asshole who led her to her death, and Snow having to deal with the pain of eventually and actually losing the woman he wanted to marry (and that one BARELY counts, because it’s all done in flashback). Everyone else, however, like Sazh’s sad backstory with his son, or Vanille and Fang’s history? Only shows up when the plot needs angst. Every other time, they revert back to the same derps they’ve been since the beginning of the game.

      The only bit of the story that are actually interesting are the flashbacks to everything that led up to the beginning of the game. They don’t move the story along much, but they do give the player interesting insights to the character’s motivations, and who they were before the Purge, while not giving too much away at the same time. I honestly don’t see why the game didn’t simply begin earlier in the timeline, because as it is, the story more or less begins at the second act of the story instead of the first.

      In the end, worst writing ever doesn’t even begin to cover it.

      EDIT: Oh my god, my grammar is horrible. Sorry!!

      • theshamster

        So, what is the plot, or will it remain in limbo as you go through the next 2 sequels?

        • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

          I know you’re probably being sarcastic or something, but the plot to this game is, as far as I can tell:
          “We should do something.”
          “Should we do something?”
          “We should DO something!”
          “Erm… Sure, but what should actually we do?”
          “Fuck if I know. Maybe help the few soldiers that are actually trying to help us?”
          “Pfft, no. Let’s go see what the guy blatantly admitting to manipulating us and everyone else around us for selfish reasons thinks we should do. :D THIS CANNOT GO WRONG!”
          “OMG, THAT MANIPULATIVE GUY TOTALLY MANIPULATED US INTO A LOSE/LOSE SITUATION THAT WAS TOTALLY FORESEEABLE! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING!”
          Rinse and repeat until endgame.

          Granted, I’m trying to remain vague in order to avoiding spoilers (pointless, I know, but still). ^ ^; Either way, bad writing is bad. >:

          And honestly, I’m probably not going to play the sequels until my girlfriend forces me to play them. >_> At any rate, the plot can’t get any worse… I hope.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            XIII-2 dialogue:

            At worst: George Lucas trying to write comedy.

            At best: A poor man’s rip on Uncharted with characters pointing out plot holes and never bother to fill them in.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Konstantin-Akhmetov/100000303416185 Konstantin Akhmetov

            “Can’t get any worse”?

            Dude… you should know better than to say these things!

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        Actually, now that I think about it more and more, the game should have begun in the thirteen days where the flashbacks take place. It could have been like a typical JRPG where Lightning starts out in her hometown, gets basic exposition from other NPCs about pretty much everything from the non-plot datalogs, maybe kills a few local monsters in areas near the town to get the player familiar with the battle system, and establishes relationships with some of the other important characters (like Snow and Serah).

        Sure, it’s a cliche start, but at least it gives room for EXPLAINING THINGS TO THE PLAYER. Datalogs just fucking suck. >:

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          I like THIS comment. Am I the only one who think Lightning SHOULD be the protagonist? She may appear as the cover girl but the sad truth is this Vanille and Fang’s story. Unlike Tidus, Lightning is tolerable and doesn’t laugh like a jackass. Snow would’ve also been better off as a villain because I just can’t sympathise with a massive manipulative douche like Snow. The guy wants shove his ideology down Lightning’s throat.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            Lightning would have been a great protagonist; there was a lot of room for her character to grow, she didn’t want to go down without a fight against a corrupt government, and she did have a personal stake in the team’s success other than just not becoming a Cieth (as in, finding a way to save her sister). It’s a pity the plot basically limits her (and pretty much everyone else, for that matter) to a background character that asks Fang or Vanille just what the fuck is going on every now and then after the first showdown with Dysley.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            It’s even worse knowing that instead of expanding on Lightning’s character in the sequel, she is given godly powers and becomes as interesting as a sack of potatoes. Now Lightning is going to be the Grim Reaper (liberating people of their souls) in Lightning Returns so maybe she’ll be nicknamed “Robo-Lightning”.

            If XIII ever comes back, it should be rebooted under a different team with a different direction and could be nicknamed “Final Fantasy XIII: The Good Version”. Just as long as Motomu Toriyama doesn’t get his filthy hands on another video game.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            I haven’t been following any of the plots in sequels, but really? Godly powers and liberating souls? …God damnit, Square is ruining the premise of Valkyrie Profile now too.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      At least you saw potential in XIII? Seriously, there are assholes in kotaku and GameFAQs that sneer at every single element in XIII. I don’t care if XIII is good or not, there’s complaining and then there’s being needlessly bitchy. Next thing people will complain about Lightning being a woman.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000065433429 Sam Pagano

        Knowing the GameFAQs board they have almost certainly done that to death.

  • MediaGold

    Wow, where to begin? Last couple of times I’ve posted here, I’ve been one of those asshole fans bitching about lack of content, but the past month or so the videos are coming regularly and they’re great so please, if you’re out there Spoony, keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. I like the variety or videos as well as to not burn out on a specific kind. Oh, and that “focus” montage was epic! Keep up the good work!

  • http://www.facebook.com/collin.shaneyfelt Collin Shaneyfelt

    Another way to put this whole focus business: “We should do something! Should we do something?”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Roman-Monaghan/100000507912679 Roman Monaghan

    Oh hey, the guy with the new intro got the stick out of his ass

  • BLAM!

    Spoony you’re the only one who understands my pain dumping on all the modern Final Fantasy games like this. I discovered this site from your FF8 videos and no one has ever properly deconstructed that atrocity like you.

    What is it with every modern Japanese game where they’re completely unable to follow the most basic conventions of story telling? The real tragedy is that they had such a good premise for a story all set here but then they fuck it up. Massive dick gods forcing people to do their will on threat on zombification? How do you fuck that up? They could have gone with that, they could have done something about human turning against each other out of paranoia from hidden enemies. They could have done ANYTHING but what they actually did.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      You assholes are a majority as well as ignorant racists. Have you actually looked at any other JRPG outside Final Fantasy? Look at Persona 3, look at Lost Odyssey, look at Xenoblade, look at Ni Ni Kuni! You clearly refuse the accept the fact that there are GOOD modern JRPGs that aren’t old school 16-bit games. Get with the times.

    • Roikka

      It’s quite simple. Just like separate branches of same species evolve to different ones through time, the japanese games have been held apart from all the other forms of fiction and narrative throughout the whole history of videogaming, that they have developed conventions of their own. Sadly, not folowing rules of narrative is amongst them (like casualy breaking laws of physics) because the more ludricious and nonsensical plot they cook up, the beter Japanese games tend to sell.

      One can understand it in a franchise like the Legend of Zelda where every good game save for the Wind Waker have had the plot mostly as a curiosity, but in a heavily cinematic and plot-driven one like Final Fantasy it’s mostly painful.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      It’s like those guys who wrote Superman At Earth’s End. You have Superman, in the future, fighting twin clones of Hitler. How do you screw that up?!

      Not to sound all racist or shit, but I think that’s just part of Japanese storytelling aesthetic which I see a lot in anime. There’s this tendency to be kind of flowery and vague about things. At its best, that lends a bit of artistic flair to an intellectual/spiritual story. At its worst, such as here, you end up with this meandering nonsense of a plot where we’re supposed to care about stuff because characters are emotionally utter things about destiny and purpose and their feelings and so forth and it all ties up to yet another tired retread of the whole “teen heroes killing god” motif anime and JRPGs seem compelled to throw into their stories the way America crowbars a love subplot into every movie.

      It’s almost like the guys who write these stories for games and anime don’t know how to write anything else, and the only thing they can do is be more obtuse in a vain attempt to make it seem sentimental and deep. All it does it make the story seem schizophrenic and flaky.

  • Deltanium

    Laughing… so hard… it hurts…

    But seriously, credit given when credit is due, I believe this is Focus quest thing is a play on the usual god ultimatum: for instance “Abraham killing his son for god” but then god saying “Wait man, that was a joke!” or something like that… right? Given the religious takes on FF series, that would not surprise me…

  • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

    “Fuck it, take a shot or something”

    I was waiting for one of us to say that! *glug-glug-glug!* Hey, the game just became almost-tolerable.

    And now I need some Neil Gaiman to get some GOOD writing into my mind to wash away the dangerous levels of stupid that emits from this game. Sandman, here I come!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Yoshitako Amano collaborated with Neil Geiman on a Sandman story.

      • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

        Which I own in both its original version, its Absolute edition in the big Sandman Vol. 5 book, and even in “The Complete Prints of Yoshitaka Amano”.

        Amano is one of my favorite artists, and his best stuff actually came *after* his work on the classic Final Fantasy games. Sandman: The Dream Hunters being one of them.

  • http://profiles.google.com/jonathandmcgowan Jonathan McGown

    i think a xiii-4 would give spoony grounds to file charges for attempted murder

    • theshamster

      Knowing them, they will make FFXIII-4.

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        That would be upsetting. The only FF13 game people actually seem to want is Versus XIII, damnit. ;_;

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Murder does not justifies hatred towards a video game. It would make the anti-XIII group look like monsters. I’m sorry but if Spoony doesn’t like XIII, then why doesn’t he just ignore it and play something else? Everyone else has torn apart XIII? What could Spoony do other haven’t done already? NOTHING! I wish Spoony would just move on.

      • http://twitter.com/The_Clockmaker Jack

        He meant Square-Enix attempted to murder the franchise, not Spoony murdering the devs.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Really? Because I misread it as Spoony would go so insane, he would murder someone by accident and blame it on a XIII-4, which will never exist. To be honest, I’m getting pretty fed up of sticking my neck out for Square-Enix when they make worse games like All The Bravest.

      • http://profiles.google.com/jonathandmcgowan Jonathan McGown

        Because the very act of putting any creative work out for others to experienced opens it up to being judged by them. Its a fact, this is not kindagarden and no one is making us play nice. Spoony has every right to poke fun at these games just as anyone is free to poke fun at his videos.

      • Brad Duke

        LOL! Reviewing games is his job, you idiot! And he can review whatever he wants. If you don’t want to watch him review it, no one is forcing you.

      • http://profiles.google.com/jonathandmcgowan Jonathan McGown

        Hes FUNNY while hes does it. Funnier then more then a few others that did so.

  • Turcano

    This whole game is pretty much an object lesson summed up as “established storytelling conventions exist for a reason.”

    Also, I honestly never expected to see the Dickman intro again.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jpfelts John Patrick Felts

    I just want to put this out there, but Lightning does *not* decide to destroy Cocoon. Her belief is that their focus is to destroy Cocoon, which she has no desire to do. She instead takes a fatalistic approach and decides to attack the army which did the Purge in the first place and basically go down fighting instead of destroying Cocoon or turning into a Cieth.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Here’s a guy that makes perfect sense but it’s sad though we, the fans, have to explain what Final Fantasy XIII is about better than the guys who made it.

    • Abicion

      The problem is that, as you yourself point out, it’s only Lightning’s
      BELIEF that she’s supposed to destroy Cocoon. She has no way of
      really knowing what she’s ACTUALLY supposed to do, so she’s in no
      position to say “Well if I do this other thing, that will
      definitely go against what the Fal’cie wants!” with any amount of
      confidence. By taking any approach at all, she’s potentially helping
      the Fal’cie.

      Lightning is a very very stupid character. But it’s not really her fault when she’s just a product of atrocious writing.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Motomu Toriyama is a cruel tyrant who actually hates Lightning.

        He talks about wanting to make Lightning happy but he ends up killing off her sister in the end of XIII-2.

        • http://twitter.com/lurkeriatipsos Mary Sulkowski

          SERAH!

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johan-Eriksson/1373557107 Johan Eriksson

        It’s not like it’s an unfounded belief though. She knows that it was a Pulse Fal’Cie who recruited them, and it is common knowledge on Cocoon that everything from Pulse is trying to destroy Cocoon. Moreover she is actually RIGHT that the Fal’Cie wants them to destroy Cocoon, she just isn’t aware that it is the Cocoon Fal’Cie that really wants them to do it.

  • Maeson

    Something that makes my blood boil it’s that they seemed to forget what they did in prior games.

    In Final Fantasy IV, made by SquareSOFT, one of the main focus it’s the redemption of Cecil.

    He attacked inocent people protecting the (Water?) Crystal in it’s chamber, under the King of Baron’s orders. But he feels guilty, he realizes that he shouldn’t done that, those mages made no attempt to resist the attack, in fact they were pacific people.

    He talks to the king about this, and after some events, he is betrayed. After that point, the rest of the game it’s about Cecil becoming a paladin to protect people and to redempt himself while saving the world.

    In VI, Leo was a honorable guy being manipulated by Gesthal. He tried to do things with the minial casualties in both sides, trying to talk things instead of fight.

    Here in XIII, made by Square-ENIX, said fuck all that, our characters are so cool, they don’t feel anything remotely human when they attack inocent people, who actually look like decent guys in the wrong team.

    Let’s just roll them over with our boobied motorcycle made of chicks! Let’s cut their throat instead of talking! Dont make an attempt to look like intelligent people! We are the heroes, we don’t need plans!

    The thing is that, it gets worse…

    I seriously don’t know why I played this thing to the end.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      In XIII, the story is about a group becoming pawns and they must face what they’ve become, face the fact they’re enemies of their homeworld and must face themselves. The story is also about human sacrifice. It’s not just cool for the sake of being cool.

      Seriously, you’re a complete jackass who’s overly praising the SNES titles like a hipster just to bitch about VII and XIII because they have sci-fi elements.

      • Maeson

        First of all, I’m sorry if you’re upset.

        Where in the hell I said something bad about VII? As far as I know it’s a classic. The only bad thing I could say is it’s translation, and that’s not even the worst trans. you can find in a videogame (Hello Z-Wing, but it’s a good game, though).

        “Face the fact they’re enemies of their homeworld and must face themselves”.

        Interestly enough, that’s Cecil Story too. He becomes a enemy for Baron, he will fight the king and his minions even if he don’t want to do it for protect other countries, and HE must face himself and become a paladin.

        And I’m not praising the SNES ones. In fact IV have a lot of flaws too, with a bullshit story about lunar people and the plot twist about Golbez. I used Cecil as an example of the first FF with story ( FF2 had some story, but not quite as 4) and that the story of XIII reminds me of IV.

        What I’m saying is that Square knew how to, at least, give some development to the characters without ruining them or making them a bunch of morons or careless people. Which makes me sad, because I really wanted to like Sazh.

        I don’t have any kind of problem with Science fiction. If done right it can be used to create a world very interesting to explore, althought this is not the case because there is no exploration.

        And sci fi elements were since the first FF ,WarMech, a random enemy who could screw you up easily, or III were you could fight robots.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          I feel a little better about this. It’s too bad that moron hipsters accept the fact that VII is a good game.

          • GeekyDragonGirl

            Stop calling everyone ‘hipster’. Hipster is one of those words that are overused by trolls and people who go ‘you don’t agree with meeeee, you hipster’ (which is kind of what you are doing.) People have valid reasons to prefer the Snes Final Fantasy games and preferring them to the newer games doesn’t automatically make them a ‘hipster’ (Do you even know what hipster means or met a real hipster, kid?)
            Have you ever played them? IV and VI are well-loved games because all the characters were fleshed out with good backstories and interesting personalities, plus the stories were actually good and the battle systems were fun. VI had atmosphere, a well developed party of characters who were all important to the plot , and a really memorable villain. VII suffered a bit in comaprison as far as it’s villain and side characters were concerned, but it was good in different ways. But VII had a few more obvious downsides, the slightly slow pacing, the clunky translation, it’s slightly cliche characters and above all else it’s RABID SCREAMING FANBASE. I think that is why people preffer VI. You don’t have rabid fangirls screaming about how smexy Locke and Kefka are. Every Final Fantasy after VII catered to the rabid fangirls more and more (notice how the male characters get progressively prettier) and began to emphasise graphics and style over storytelling to catch a younger crowd since the fans were growing up and their kids were used to flashier things.(I call this the Oooh Shiny effect). But by doing this they began alienating the older fans. Not to say those games weren’t good in their own ways, just some folks prefer the old style.

    • Casey Williamson

      “I seriously don’t know why I played this thing to the end.”

      You don’t know yet?

  • UmmonTL

    Benzai’s crotch spotted at 6:42! Also KHAAAAN!

    What I loved most about the last “Fall to Certain Doom” was that Snow protected Hope in the fall breaking through several roofs with his back and landing on some metal crates. But he was actually the one who got up right away even carrying Hope. If Snow had been hurt in the Fall, Hope would have to face the consequences of his actions, posssibly developing his character a bit. But no, can’t have that. Let’s rub Snows invincibility in his face to remind him how his mother died.

    • MrRuse

      But if you saw Benzaie’s crotch as part of your l’cie vision… what would it mean? Learn French? Start speaking with a funny accent? Become a teacher (which I have been told Benzaie is irl)? To go home and be a French man? Wear glasses? Grow a beard? Become a part-time stripper?

      IT MAKES NO SENSE.

  • magnusk_98

    Good to see the new intro back, although I really disliked Dickmans attitude to you on Twitter.

    And how I’ve missed Doctor Insano. I wish he had more than a ten second cameo, though!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      How did Spoony get back that intro by Dickman?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Terra-Silverspar/100002064673161 Terra Silverspar

        Didn’t Spoony pay for it? In short, if Spoony paid for it, I don’t think Dickman could actually tell him not to use it and Spoony was just being nice not using it.

  • Shadow_Void

    TL;DR play dominions 3 and you’ll understand this game.

    Alright, so, you’re a god, but in order to become a god you need to manifest your power by constructing a body made of astral crystals or something (doesn’t matter) to “link” your power.

    So, you suddenly realize that humans works as great conduits of power but you can’t exactly give them any straight forward directions. Let’s say that you need humanity to prepare themselves for another god coming and trying to enslave them. Since you can’t tell them “Hey guys, enemy gods incoming, prepare yourself” you instead create prophets that you give random info and powers. Logically, being humans, they will start asking each other what the info meant which will lead to tension between them (since they will interpret it differently), this will cause them to fight using amazing god-powers to which the military will respond by ramping up security and making cult practices illegal, this solves your problem since another god coming wouldn’t mean anything since the military knows how to deal with it.

    Another possibility are that the gods are sleeping and that they accidentally brand people and sort of show them what they’re dream about, this can also explain basically everything, but if you say “but that doesn’t make sense” I’ll have to remind you that these gods/things are beyond comprehension and thus they can do whatever they want even if that includes doing nothing (perhaps to save their strength for an upcoming battle an eternity later).

    Also, prophets going all “Fuck it, let’s just kill people” also makes sense, since they’re stressed out humans with superpowers, it might have been the goal of a god/l’cie(or whatever they were called) to make them go rambo and kill people, perhaps because “Kill the dictator/leader guy” was too difficult to put in a message and would have been misinterpreted as “Kill the people trying to assassinate the dictator/leader guy”.

  • Chris Morrison

    I actually stopped playing this game at the point just before spoony ends this video at.. and I saw huge potential for story.. and i knew squenix would never go down that road because it would have been too adult of a story conflict. Heres where the GOOD version of 13 would have gone.. the fal’cie of cocoon obviously maintain complete control over its inhabitants however they live in relative safety, no concern for food, work, overall it seems like utopia inside, they just have to give up a number of personal freedoms to live a relatively carefree life. the reason for this is that these godlike fal’cie need people to maintain systems that maintain them, a sort of symbiotic existence. the fal’cie outside cocoon, for some reason or another, disagree with this lifestyle of their brethren possibly leading to a less powerful existence or a shorter one, but overall believe in personal freedoms and try to maintain a distant, if at all, relationship with the people outside cocoon. this leads to a harder, more dangerous lifestyle, but people can enjoy more personal freedoms, moving around where they want, having the occupation or religious beliefs they desire. the player would then follow both groups of characters and learn of what is going on and have to decide if he wants to protect or destroy cocoon(interpreting the focus!) the characters then have a huge major boss fight against each other, with side quests determining who is on what side (totally see snow getting shanked by the kid in this one). this would be at least interesting as I’m not in a hallway plot line but square would NEVER do this, make the player decide between a benevolent dictatorship that has created a utopia free of hunger ,disease, or most concerns of violence at the cost of an individual has there occupation chosen for them, with any anti-government sentiment being brutally squashed, or if those freedoms in life are worth more even though if comes with less certainties in life. no, square would never have such an adult plot..since i haven’t finished this game its just speculation but my guess is there’s some evil leader whos mutated or twisted the fal’cie of cocoon to his own will and you have to kill the evil mad kefka…i mean leader.

    • MFlorian

      Sounds like you’d enjoy the Shin Megami Tensei series, which goes down this very route. The earlier games would never have made it to the US, but thankfully there’s fan translations of the two big ones.

      http://agtp.romhack.net/project.php?id=smt

      http://agtp.romhack.net/project.php?id=smt2

      The storyline drifts between Law, Chaos, and Neutral – with the divisions pretty much the way you were talking about.

      • GeekyDragonGirl

        Oh gosh, I’ve been looking for translations for those games for AGES. I LOVE the Shin Megami Tensei series. Those were the only two I couldn’t find translations for! (I have the games themselves but my command of the Japanese writing system leaves much to be desired.) Thank you for putting up that link!

        • MFlorian

          No sweat. Fan translations have been exploding on the net lately and the result is a lot of great stuff now accessible to a wider audience. I’m currently playing through Super Robot Wars J now.

          Let me know how your SMT runs go. Law, Neutral, Chaos…….you know. =)

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I like your comment. The game was handling the theme of human sacrifice but the humans are so stupid and love abusing their, why not help the Fal’Cie to kill them all? Lightning would’ve made an awesome villain protagonist.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nash-Knight/740228999 Nash Knight

      That’s basically the plot of the Brave new world. But that book is, well you know, not retarded and actually very good so, no, can’ta have that in a FF game.

    • http://www.facebook.com/arne.maes Arne Maes

      not quite, it makes even less sense

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Pierson/1152517641 David Pierson

      I always thought it would have been awesome when the characters reached Pulse, that they find it’s not hell. In fact quite the opposite, with people flocking to them and treating them as royalty, just because they were L’Cie. Where you learn that the L’Cie that turn into zombies are not those that fail to achieve their focus, but those who have betrayed and turned their backs on the Fal’Cie all together. Giving the characters a much stronger dilemma of returning to Cocoon. Why go back to a place that hates a fears you, when you can stay and be treated as royalty? Helping people that actually need it and want it from them.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

      That sounds freaking amazing. Too bad they sold out for whiny emo teenage krap instead of that amazing story you just pulled out of thin air. Shoot man. They should hire you as a writer. I’d LOVE to play that game.

  • Michael Sporzynski

    You know what, I wouldn’t even mind people falling off great heights and walking off without a scratch. Maybe that’s just how things work, or the heroes are just super-tough because, I dunno, plot. Or they’re super-badass. Maybe that’s just how things work in this story/universe.

    Well, except one thing.

    Except the scenes are OBVIOUSLY set up to make it look dramatic and dangerous. And it never is (well, except that one woman who was not immune to gravity because of… uh, being an NPC?). How do you expect a character falling to look tense and dangerous when you’ve established time and time again that nothing whatsoever is going to happen to them when they hit the ground?

    On the other hand, from the review alone, the plot with being given a vague quest by an incomprehensible being does not look as bad as Spoony makes it out to be. At least I don’t think so. The game still looks shitty based on Spoony’s videos, but mostly because of things like The Hallway and the like. The plot I don’t mind – it looks okay. I guess.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jovan-Stipic/1520802005 Jovan Stipic

    spoony you just made my day

  • http://twitter.com/Nanani72 成侘理 (sdrawkcab drib)

    The L’Cie are completely alien minds, they can’t tell their servants what to do any more than you can tell a goldfish what to do . That’s part of what makes them so cool 8D

    • doresh

      And that’s why you don’t include goldfish in your grand schemes.

      Even the gods of the Cthulhu mythos had Nyarlathotep act as a messengers to tell their mortal followers what to do in plain English – and those gods have such an alien mind that even a short telepathic dream sequence would shatter anyone’s sanity.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Konstantin-Akhmetov/100000303416185 Konstantin Akhmetov

      They’re basically inbred Reapers with horrible birth defects.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Lightning becomes the Grim Reaper in Lightning Returns.

  • http://www.facebook.com/martin.markov.9237 Martin Markov

    It’s about fucking time Spoony… You know what, never mind I’m just glad it’s finally here.
    *One video later*
    I itself my brain in collapsed on think.
    *One reconstructive cranial surgery later*
    WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU SQUARE ENIX!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh Dickman’s intro is back, did not expact that.

  • http://twitter.com/Nanani72 成侘理 (sdrawkcab drib)

    Also, the Fal’Cie all have crystals on them. They are crystals with appendages and armor and crap, but the crystal is always there.

    Anyway, thanks for these reviews. There’s nothing Spoony can’t make hillarious!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    At least Final Fantasy XIII is more consistent than Charmed?

    I won’t deny the fact that Fal’Cie give humans a time limit but not explain what to do, is
    really fucking stupid. That Pulse Fal’Cie (Anima) could’ve just explained what
    the humans can do for it before branding them. That’s something that COULD’VE
    been in the cutscenes because that’s only one sentence of exposition, not
    paragraphs but then again, this game was directed by Motomu Toriyama, the
    bastard child between a Japanese woman and George Lucas. Yep, that sums up the
    Toriyama quite nicely.

    The only thing I object is PSICOM stripping Lightning naked because some otaku watching this
    video will probably make a hentai of PSICOM stripping her naked and scan for a
    Pulse l’Cie brand before raping her and ALL YOUR FAULT, SPOONY!!! She’s a
    fucking lesbian… at least in my headcanon!

    Why didn’t you show Lightning punching Snow in the face again? Oh wait, I completely forgot
    about Fang knocking Snow out. It’s fun to see Snow get abused. Too bad he
    doesn’t die.

    The laws of gravity and physics never apply to Japanese games and anime.

    You really had to keep showing us how the main six don’t know what to do? I get it already!
    You’re not gonna show us a big edit like that again in the future, are you?

    I think Snow firing a gun and shouting he’s a Pulse l’Cie was the only smart thing he ever
    done because PSICOM would’ve fired at the crowd just to kill Snow and Hope. The
    PSICOM, Sanctum’s private army, are assholes, not the Guardian Corps, Cocoon’s
    public police.

    Why do I have this urge to punch you in the fucking face? I have no sympathy for this vocal majority that hates Final Fantasy XIII because all they want to do is to dictate how people should see XIII. Seriously, I feel like a fucking minority who’s being bullied until I sneer at every single little aspect at Final Fantasy XIII. What about all those Reb Brown movies? Flying a dead giant bat like a hang-glider? Bullshit! Fuck you!

    • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

      With Snow firing the gun and shouting, I have to agree with you, it *was* a sort of smart move on his part. On the other hand, didn’t he fire up at a big metal ceiling thing? Thank goodness for non-physics in FF, because otherwise, hoooo boy, those bullets would have ricocheted like nobody’s business.

  • http://twitter.com/SwedishBallsack Jonathan Andersson

    Their magic is one step up from a LARP-wizard throwing post-it notes at you while yelling “Fireball! Fireball! Fireball!”

    • theshamster

      What about the Birdseed and “two magic, two magic”?

  • http://www.facebook.com/bradley.t.bailey.5 Bradley T. Bailey

    your poor bastard,,,this horrible game is doing a number on you. but to be completely honest your 16-bit sprite things of the ff-6 characters keep stealing the show for me. i want them so bad ^-^

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      What about the Zero Punctuation imps?

  • antiquarius

    Four months. Four fucking months for a 25min video. But hey all those Counter Monkeys were just as good right? Right????

    -_-

    • http://twitter.com/SwedishBallsack Jonathan Andersson

      I thought so.

      Some of the Counter Monkey videos were pretty entertaining. Can’t really hate a guy for wanting to have a personal life either.

      • JackRyan

        What has personal life to do with the fact he does hardly any game reviews anymore? You know the same game reviews that made him popular in the first place?

        • http://twitter.com/SwedishBallsack Jonathan Andersson

          I’m pretty sure he once said that he wanted to do more than just reviewing games and I can understand that, since doing 16/8-bit or shitty FMV games might get a little old after a while. Nothing wrong with expanding.

          As for game reviews in general, I think he’s doing a fairly good job at that. If you count the board games, that is.

          His Bioshock Infinite review is also fairly new.

        • dennett316

          Really? I thought his LP’s are what really made him popular? Or maybe, that’s just what I happened to watch of his that really grabbed me, and now I mistake MY preference for what everyone else thinks. Oh wait…no, that’s what YOU’RE doing right now.
          In short, is your life REALLY so empty that only Spoony videos will keep you going? If he posts a video you’re not interested in, do/watch/play something else instead of getting pissy and whining about the “good ole days” like a hipster idiot.
          Counter Monkey is popular, as are his movie reviews….deal with it.

    • http://twitter.com/Doc_Janitor The Janitor

      … Yes. Yes they were?

      You should try and get invested in role-playing games. You’ll enjoy the Counter Monkey series more.

      • ShipoftheLine

        No thanks. Not really part of the Fedora & Neckbeard crowd.

        • doresh

          That’s too bad. Though I understand how the long stretches of uploads that are pretty much only about roleplaying can put off people not interesting in it.

        • Atmos_Duality

          Better the neckbeard wearing a fedora than the asshole relying on tired stereotypes to make himself feel better.

    • http://www.facebook.com/arne.maes Arne Maes

      you missed some movie reviews then mate

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

      It might be different if there wasn’t tons of other content. But they haven’t all been vlogs and they haven’t all been CMs either. January was very CM heavy, but Rebruary had movie reviews, there is a Bioshock vlog review (1.5 hours!), an amazing couple of April Fools Day spoofs, etc. If you only come to the website for one type of video game review, you are gonna be disappointed.

  • doresh

    I presume the fal’Cie are doing this focus-thing for the lulz. After all, being some immobile crystal thing just standing around for who knows how long must get boring after a while.

    I’m also beginning to suspect that they were going for some Lost-esque mystery story or something (keeping the player in the dark for as long as possible), but failed spectacularly (because the mystery of “Just what ARE we supposed to do?” is silly).

    These dinky magic animations were already in FF12, and one of the reasons why I dislike this pseudo-real-time combat route the series has been going: real-time doesn’t work if the combat is dull and lifeless.

    • golden izanagi

      does the game ever tell us why the fal’cie pull off this crap hell I don’t know why they don’t just take a human form and at the very least give people clues on what there “focus” is or well shit even a riddle, after all isn’t the primarch the leader of cocoon supposed to be one of those fal”cie or something like that I don’t know (correct me if I’m wrong) and if that’s the case why didn’t the thing that marked the main characters itself not take a human guise and tried telling them what there task is so they don’t run around like chickens with there heads cut off with either sazh going to a chocabo park (and getting race car) and snow being a shortsighted idiot and trying to dig his girlfriend out of the crystal thing with no means of carrying her without possibly shattering her if he slips and falls.

      • elconrado

        It is implied in the game that the fal’Cie, being literally deus ex machinas built for a specific purpose each, can’t do anything outside their own purpose, but they can give focuses to others requesting/forcing them into doing things that fall outside of that. The fal’Cie don’t seem to have the capacity to communicate with their L’cie, or anyone else but another fal’Cie, outside of simple visions.

        That’s why the Sanctum supposedly exists, to convey the fal’Cie’s will towards people via the Primarch.

        Barthandelus, being a fal’Cie created specifically to interact with people, is really the only one that can disguise itself as a human. Also, being the one made for this purpose, he’s who ultimately tells them in no uncertain terms what their focus is: to turn into Ragnarock and kill Orphan, the fal’Cie whose purpose was to sustain Cocoon so that everyone dies when he does.

        So it is SOMEWHAT consistent, until you meet fucking Titan and he speaks plain english, too.

  • http://twitter.com/RoppongiCoffee Mr. RHC

    “You don’t know yet?” Made my day! Good video, also reminds me how depressing the game was…

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Konstantin-Akhmetov/100000303416185 Konstantin Akhmetov

      I know! It’s the giant evil columns!

  • http://twitter.com/ngrey651 Nicholas M. Grey

    I get you don’t like Snow. Frankly, I can’t stand Fang and Vanille, Vanille because of how “ooh! Eee! I’m a little girl” thing she keeps hammering into us, the audience, and Fang because she’s a heartless bitch who pretty much was willing to kill every single person on Cocoon. Why? Cuz of old superstition about how Cocoon is “a nest of vipers”. Never MIND the fact that the ONLY people on the planet who have been attacked are the people ON Cocoon, by people from FANG’S side, oh no! Cocoon’s evil! Even though it’s done nothing to us, we know it’s evil because of the legends they tell us so we gotta blow it up! Screw you, lady.

    Here’s the problem with Snow. The big flaw. He’s in the wrong game.

    Let me explain.

    If this…was a lighter and softer RPG like, maybe, Kingdom Hearts, then his naive “I can do anything, I’m the hero” type of attitude would probably carry him far. His self-belief and physical strength would do wonders for him in the kind of game where all you need do is have faith in yourself and your abilities because in the end, they’re what’ll carry you to victory. If he was in a game like that he’d do great. And he thinks that’s what his life is like. He’s genre-savvy…but he’s the wrong KIND of genre savvy, because this is a game where civilians get freakin’ slaughtered, where it isn’t CLEAR what you’re meant to do to save the world like in Kingdom Hearts or the earlier Final Fantasies (like, say, from 1-6) and your companions aren’t exactly stalwart knights with high integrity. After all, two are children, one’s a bitch and a half from a planet overrun by psychotic animals, one’s a pilot (who’s the ONLY likable character and who’s really very entertaining), one’s an ice queen that cared more about her birthday being ruined than her sister’s happiness…so Snow is essentially the right kind of hero…but in the wrong kind of game.

    Maybe that was the point. Maybe the idea the writers had was to show these characters undergo these big changes where they’re forced to confront their preconceived notions of what they think life is like, to change as a result of their experiences and mature as they become hunted by everyone around them, still trying to do what’s right despite everything they’ve endured. To make Lightning become more compassionate, to make Snow take responsibility for his recklessness, to have Hope become less whiny and dependent, to make Vanille take things more seriously, to have Fang develop more tact and kindness and to have Sazh-wait…that doesn’t work either. Sazh was just fine. If the whole point of the game was not so much a game so much as a “character piece” of sorts, why include a character who doesn’t really need to change? He’s intelligent, funny, wise, compassionate and fatherly. He might act over the top and slightly cowardly, but his temporary cowardice isn’t really cowardice itself but more along the lines of exaggerated caution with a comedic flair.

    Dammit, I gave this game waaaay too much credit. So much for THAT idea!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      It’s not that Lightning cared about her birthday, she cared that she could finally spend time with Serah but that was ruined when Serah said she is a Pulse l’Cie AND plan to marry Snow, so Lightning believed the brand was fake and simply an excuse to marry Snow.

      You honestly wanted Lightning to instantly believe and accept all THAT with no question? If my brother said he got a girl pregnant on my birthday, I wouldn’t be mad because it was said on my birthday, I would be mad because he ruined his life and whatever girl he knocked up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Konstantin-Akhmetov/100000303416185 Konstantin Akhmetov

    Vanille’s tattoo is actually a cutie mark.

    • doresh

      MLP flame war starting in 3… 2…

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        I like the show along with XIII.

        • doresh

          I have nothing against the show, but I have seen so many people on Youtube comment sections going apeshit when someone mentions that show that I couldn’t resist XD

      • MaX Mpesiris

        The cake is a lie!

        • doresh

          Dammit, this comment section isn’t like Youtube after all XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/joana.eme Joana Eme

    I actually like the FFXIII series, but I love seeing all of your FF videos, they are a great laugh, very entertaining, and you nail everything you address.
    Can’t wait for part 4. And hopefully one about XIII-2. We’ll all give you a hug once you’re done. XP

  • http://twitter.com/CPuff8D Liezl Bohnen

    Congraturation Spoony. You have officially lasted longer than I did playing this game. After they crashed on… erm… rust metal area I just gave up.

  • http://twitter.com/Jesseraygarza Jesse Garza

    Dude you’ve never been more right and more funny about any other game than this one, laughed so hard at the soldiers not firing and your voice over/voice acting was hilarious This review was highly entertaining and very very enjoyable! :D cant wait for your next video man, peace! :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/milo.gotje Milo Gotje

    Wow that L’Cie not knowing their task plot point is literally
    the dumbest thing i have ever seen in my life its downright depressive to see
    how far final fantasy has fallen and this is coming from somebody who likes 10.

    • panzi

      Or the cops in the Matrix.

  • http://twitter.com/Brut3man Ioannis Maniatis

    ok I don’t know if it was just me but the ad in the middle was about the book of Mormon (not the play the actual book).
    Weird.

    • http://twitter.com/Jesseraygarza Jesse Garza

      There was an ad in the middle? Dont tell me your using i.e., or firefox? Dude you need to get google chrome, it blocks all ads and pop ups, even on websites like deviant art where you have to pay to get rid of the ads. Google chrome gets rid of them for free~!

      • doresh

        That’s what Firefox-users have Adblock Plus for ^_^

      • panzi

        Chrome does not automatically get rid of ads. That would be nonsense, given that it is indirectly financed by ads (Google is the biggest ad hoster). But like for Firefox there are ad blocker add-ons for Chrome.

      • http://www.schadenfreudestudios.com/ Amesang

        Honestly the ads are still more tolerable than what’s broadcast over the majority of television stations. Besides, if the watching of ads influences Noah’s revenue, than they’re worth it.

        (Besides, I can always utilize my Fn+F8 command to mute ‘em.)

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        …You do realize internet reviewers like Spoony get PAID through ads, right?

        • http://twitter.com/Jesseraygarza Jesse Garza

          He will still get paid whether i watched the ad or not, because even thought the ad was blocked automatically the video still played all the way through so it counts as both a hit and a count and he still gets paid for having the ad on the video by simply just watching the video.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            I’m almost certain that the ad actually has to actually be seen in order for the video producer to get any ad revenue.
            Linkara wrote a tumblr post about this very subject not too long ago. Basically boiled down to “turn adblock off for videos, don’t watch full episodes on youtube to avoid ads, and/or buy some merchandise so I can actually afford to keep doing this, please.”

    • PeaTearGryfin

      I’m using Good Chrome and I got an ad in the middle too. Granted it was that stupid Denny’s Baconalia commercial and not the book of Mormon.

  • http://www.facebook.com/otakursed Mike Lee

    Have made it to disc two in this damn game, and couldn’t build up the enthusiasm to continue. So thanks for enduring this shit in digital form for even this long :b

  • http://www.facebook.com/ashik.sorel Eximius Sorel

    FINALLY you put the Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park reference. I was WAITING for that. XD

  • http://twitter.com/UltimaXemnas UltimaXemnas

    I love you Spoony, but…not only you’re basically repeating yourself over and over, but some of your complaints are just downright bullshit…

    The review started pretty good, and the editing and sound is as good as ever. One thing I can’t argue is the fact that you’re a great editor, and a true proof that effective and great editing is not just knowing how to handle every editing tool to perfection but also the simplest little details and cuts are, sometimes, the most important. I know it because I recently started editing, trying to start my own webshow, and I know how hard it can be…

    …but after the beginning it’s just shit like “SNOW IS AN IDIOT, CRAP LINEARITY, PLOT CONVENIANCES”, that it just kinda becomes meh and unfunny. I loved when you used to do that joke about “AAHH, OUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST THEM” from time to time, but how many times have you used that one now? And they don’t even have their own touches, they just sound the same. But about the game…

    FFXIII is NOT a bad game. I understand why many fans jumped ship, and why they hated it so much, but looking at it objectively there’s no way this game is the worst thing ever. It is a relatively good game, with it’s fair share of problems like plot conveniances (which, thinking about it, almost every game has them), linear progression (world and character) and Vanille (…owh god). The fact is that people cling on to the flaws, absolutely strangle them and hopelessly try to shove them down the throats of people that liked it…kind of like what happened with XII when it came out, but i’m glad that today it doesn’t happen all that much…

    The first complain you had was questioning why being a l’cie and being able to use magic was so dangerous and scary to everyone. I can see this as Spoony just nitpicking, because that’s what he does, but something about the way he phrases and jokes about it makes me think the other way around. No one in this planet can cast magic, and the reaction is natural. People get scared of what they cannot understand. It’d be like a mage appearing today, he could cast fireballs and use water to kill people…but we have the army, which has all sorts of weapons to stop him. Yes, it is possible to stop him, but people who saw the mage do magic obviously got scared…

    You could say that they have the brand to, not only the fal’cie have a way of knowing who is and who isn’t, but also to cause conflict with the PSICOM, stalling them to transform into a zombie before they can fulfill their focus. Since they couldn’t inslave them the way they did to others, they might as well let them suffer the unevitable fate. That’s what I got out of it, normally when I get confused with a plot point I usually get it after awhile with this game…but with crap like X I don’t, which is understandable to people who found XIII impossible to comprehend.

    Their focus is to destroy Cocoon, by killing Orphan. So yeah, Lightning figured it out but she doesn’t want to cause death to everyone on the planet. In the end they found a way to save everyone while destroying Cocoon, which had to be done because even if they refused to do it Barthandelus would just get another group of people to do it. It’s an interesting situation they’re thrown in, and the solution lead to a really satisfactory ending with Hope understanding death is inevitable and deals with it, Serah and Snow can finally get married and Lightning finally atones for her sins by forgiving to them and saying “I believe you”…it’s nothing spectacular, but how is it bad?

    The story has it’s problems, some plot conveniances like the fallings (but they’re l’cie, so isn’t it safe to assume that they’re stonger than the average human being? Kinda like Cloud, with the mako cells inside him?) and I get how it can ruin someone’s enjoyment. But looking at it, I can’t possibly see a “bad” story out of this. I see a decent plot, with good characters and a satisfying conclusion. The writting can be bad in some parts, but I don’t get how it ruins the game completely…and one thing’s for sure: this is NOT the worst writting ever.

    I saw it as an experiment, in how would a fantasy/sci-fi story would be without much exposition? To many people it failed, but I kinda liked the approach even though it could’ve been done better…

    • dennett316

      There’s no such thing as objectivity when it comes to matters of taste…..all you’re really saying is “this is my opinion, and your opinion is wrong” and trying to dress it up in terms of “objectivity”. You’re not being objective, you’re expressing a subjective opinion just like everyone else.

    • Atmos_Duality

      Well, after reading all that, you’ve only proven you have absolutely no idea what “Subjective” and “Objective” actually mean.

      Objective is factual; non-interpretative. It has nothing to do with like/dislike.
      A plot hole, contrivance or inconsistency is objectively bad, because it’s a contradiction of internal logic.

      When you have to interpret simple cause-and-effect by pulling SUBJECTIVE explanations out of your ass, THEN THE STORY IS OBJECTIVELY BAD.

      • Brad Duke

        Except that you’re doing the same thing. A story filled with plot holes isn’t “objectively” bad. The plot holes could be one of the reasons people like it. Likewise, a story contradicting its internal logic isn’t “objectively” bad either. You just don’t like it. A lot of people don’t like it. But there are stories where that works. Mostly comedies, but still.

        • Atmos_Duality

          Plot holes are PURELY LOGICAL FAILINGS in the writing and are therefore completely objective. They will not cease to be logical failings just because you enjoy them (or not).

          Granted, those failings can be enjoyed in an ironic manner. Sometimes irony is the purpose of a work, as in the case of satire…but FF13 is not a satire or a deliberate comedy so that defense does not apply here.

          • Brad Duke

            That they “exist” is a fact, that they are “bad” is not. Again, I’m not defending the game, just saying that it doesn’t make something objectively bad. There’s not such thing as objectively bad when it comes to entertainment.

          • Atmos_Duality

            “That they “exist” is a fact, that they are “bad” is not.”

            They are objectively bad because they defeat the context of their purpose: in this case, that purpose is telling a story.

            It’s like claiming that a car with square wheels is just as effective as a car with round wheels in moving people around, because subjectively, they’re both wheels and it’s up to the driver’s preference.

            That’s insane.

            “There’s not such thing as objectively bad when it comes to entertainment.”

            Sorry, I’m not buying that. That’s hand-waving and hiding behind ambiguity; A massive slippery-slope argument.

            By that logic, a test pattern with loud noise is every bit as entertaining as The Avengers.

      • http://twitter.com/UltimaXemnas UltimaXemnas

        Yes, I do know what objective means…and if you knew as well, you’d know Spoony is not mentioning a single one. It all comes down to what people consider a “plot hole” and how willing you are to make an assumption or your own interpretation on the matter…

        Have you ever seen a story like 2001: A Space Odyssey? Or the more recent Cloud Atlas? Hell, any Cronenberg film in his prime that Spoony loves so much? They’re very interpretative, clear cut explanations are never given and exposition is nearly nonexistent. I’m not saying XIII’s narrative is as good or as subtle as these stories (…not even close), but I took it as a nice experiement on their already tiring approach to storytelling. Haters just take it as AAAHHH, I DON’T GET THIS THEREFORE I WON’T THINK ABOUT IT. IT’S CRAAAAP!!! Spoony was never a hater, his VIII and X reviews were absolutely brilliant, but here he’s just a blind hater going with everyone else…*sigh*

        I love Spoony, he’s like my favorite reviewer. I won’t give him shit for hating this game, he’s allowed to have his own opinion, but some of his complaints are just bullshit…

        • Atmos_Duality

          “It all comes down to what people consider a “plot hole” and how willing you are to make an assumption or your own interpretation on the matter…”

          Plot holes are logical failures within the story that arrive from contradictions or inconsistencies within the continuity or rules of the story.

          You can’t “interpret” your way into a contradiction, either something contradicts a given condition or it does not. There is no gray area.

          If I establish a character’s jacket as yellow throughout the story, and then in one scene changes to green with no explanation (now or later in continuity), that is a contradiction.

          You can guess or rationalize how that happened, but if there is no clear evidence to how that happened in the story, it is a plot hole.

          “They’re very interpretative, clear cut explanations are never given and exposition is nearly nonexistent.”

          I knew the “interpretative film” argument was coming. Unfortunately, it’s not a catch-all defense for the problem at hand here.

          Consider this: If a plot hole is a contradiction of an established condition, then you cannot contradict a condition that doesn’t exist, and it cannot exist if it’s never established. Instead, you create a deliberately nebulous condition.

          That is the backbone for establishing mysteries, and creating “interpretative” films.

          FF13 does that with the Fal’Cie and the character’s Focus, in a very frustrating way granted, but still it’s a valid mystery. I concede that.

          However, what isn’t valid are plot holes like the Gravity Bombs, “crash/fall” scenes and their inconsistent consequences.

          The reason there are so many “crash” and “falling” scenes in FF13 is because they are a convenient way of getting characters from one set piece to the next when they reach an “end” of The Hallway.

          Unfortunately, to keep the “suspense” going in their overblown action scenes, Squeenix establishes that there are consequences for falling, only to then contradict themselves time after time after time…

          That is a plot hole. It’s bad writing. I’d argue it’s bad writing for the sake of even worse gameplay design. They even changed the conditions of the falls to favor the characters later, (gaining L’Cie super strength, etc) and the consequences became even worse; requiring rationalizations.

  • Renaissance_nerd

    Oh my god I haven’t seen this in years! Spoony actually reviewing something!

    though I do love Counter Monkey.

  • http://twitter.com/LockLaBronte Lock LaBronte

    The characters are given a glimpse and the glimpse is enough to set them on the right path. They don’t need to be told exactly what to do because it’s not necessarily the most effective way to get them to do it. It’s like if I give you a banana and a shotgun and you decide to eat the banana then throw the peel on the ground. Suddenly an intruder storms in, slips on the banana peel, giving you the opportunity to shoot him, thus completing the task you were assigned. Was it necessary to tell you your task? No it wasn’t.

    • doresh

      Put what if you were supposed to push the banana into the barrel while singing “It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!!” :D ?

    • panzi

      Why are there then any people that fail their focus?

    • dennett316

      Why would you throw the peel on the ground and not in the trash? What if you were the type who didn’t like littering? Why wouldn’t you be able to just shoot the guy with the gun without the whole ‘slipping on a banana skin’ thing? And since when are explicit instructions on what you’re supposed to be doing ever less effective than a vague nod in a general direction that throws up countless options? Your example makes very little sense due to the sheer amount of variables. Even if you DID somehow go through the steps outlined, that leaves an awful lot up to destiny/blind luck. If it was truly a person’s destiny to thwart the hypothetical bad guy, would they need to be given the tools required and a vague hint by a higher power?

  • http://www.facebook.com/nicholas.honer Nicholas Honer

    To be fair, they don’t walk away from that last fall completely unharmed. Snow gets hurt a little.

  • Coregoth88

    Great part 3 FF13 review Spoony! Keep up the great work man, I nearly laughed my ass all the way off this time.

  • yellowmage

    Hilarious as always, Spoony! Can’t wait for part 4!

    …Although, having said that, I do have a few nitpicks: firstly, you know you took that ” Snow firing the gun in the air saying “I’m going to kill you all”” scene out of context, right? Snow did that to get the crowd of civilians away from him and Hope to prevent them becoming collateral damage from the army’s attacks on them.

    Secondly, are you suggesting that Sazh and Vanille should have just stayed at the Vile Peaks, where they would risk constant attacks by robots and have no access to food or water? At least by heading to Nautilus, they could actually get something to eat and potentially some new information about the others or their Focus (which is exactly what happens).

    And thirdly, being made a l’Cie doesn’t just give you the ability to use magic; it also increases your natural parameters (strength, endurance, etc.) far beyond those of a normal human, which explains how they can survive falls from such sheer heights. And also, when Snow and Hope fall off the balcony, with Snow shielding Hope from injury with his own body, he is quite clearly injured afterwards! Hell, after they get to Hope’s place, he spends the next few scenes bandaged up! Sure, he heals rather quickly, but, again, l’Cie.

    • SeanMcTiernan

      Here follows my nitpicks of your nitpicks:

      So… a fall from orbit, with an explosion just afterward does nothing to them more than make them take a nap, but a simple 200-foot drop with no explosion causes serious injury?

      The point he was making about firing into the air screaming “I’m going to kill you all”, is that it wasn’t necessary to terrify the people like that, and that it fed right back into labeling them as enemies of cocoon for no good reason. Seriously, “They’re about to open fire! Run!” just couldn’t work? He couldn’t, say, have move away from the people, either, since they were all on one side of him? 88They keep claiming to be heroes, but do almost nothing heroic, at least not in the 20 hours I played of it.

      Finding information wasn’t why they went to Nautilus, though. As it stated, they were just wandering aimlessly, so… yeah, they decided that instead of staying with the trained soldier and rebel leader, that it would be far better to just sorta meander wherever.

      • yellowmage

        Had the team died just after becoming l’Cie, there’d be no game. Also, the 200-foot, no-explosion drop injuries were likely exacerbated by Snow’s exhaustion due to having to fight his way through the whole town.

        The civilians were extremely skittish and on-edge as is. To quote Galenth, “You saw the fools; a mindless mob drunk on fear of a few l’Cie”. Telling them that the army was going to open fire would either have head the exact same effect (terrifying) or none at all, the civilians believing that the army wouldn’t do such a thing. Time was of the essence.

        And Sazh and Vanille were separated from Lightning and Hope; unable to take the same path. And even if they did just wander off elsewhere with no specific destination, it’s still better than just sitting stock still and waiting for Cie’th-dom.

        • Roikka

          That still doesn’t justify the 200-foot drop or Snow going to the crowd in the first place.

    • doresh

      They survived similar falls before becoming l’Cie. Snow for example got out of a high-speed crash without so much as a scratch.

      • yellowmage

        Not quite. You can clearly see him with what appears to be a sprained leg. Granted, it’s not much, but it’s something. Plus, do you really expect SE to animate injuries such as a bone sticking out through the skin covered in great rivulets of blood?

        • doresh

          Seeing how they’ve spend so much time and effort raising the bar for FMV cutscenes with each new game they release? Yes.
          Having such realistic characters living in a world with Looney Tunes physics is just strange Oo

    • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

      So your telling me you can live from a fall of 200+ feet and just get up and walk it off? Or crash land a ship going mach 2, get flung out the window slam into the ground and grind to a halt and it wont even mess up your hair right? Sorry mate they lived from falls like that BEFORE they got the pulse bs, snow is a moron with the people skills of a rock, the main chick wants to kill everyone for basically no reason and as i said before snow and the others have lived through falls from greater heights without so much as messing up their cloths. Yeah dude get a clue.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1560428345 Matt The-Vest Opdycke

    maybe it’s the lack of anti-religion and god-killing, although I didn’t get past where they found Serra as a crystal, it was too boring…point is I’m not even sure if there’s a lack of anti-religion and god-killing. I”m not saying it’s what makes a good final fantasy game(FF X, nuff said) but It’s practically a staple of the series by now…

    • doresh

      Anti-religion and god-killing is the realm of Shin Megami Tensei XD

      • Garmrspor

        SMT does it bluntly. FF does it ninja-like. Or that’s the idea. Here you go:

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLhiWw3pzQk

        • doresh

          If “bluntly” means “beating up GOD” and “summon every possible incarnation of the devil”, I’m all for it :D !

          (It also helps that the stories and characters are more interesting)

          • Garmrspor

            Indeed. It’s a wonder SMT games are even released in the West!

            But yeah, it’s argued that Final Fantasy is no better, just more subtle about it.

      • Atmos_Duality

        It’s not the only jrpg series that does that. Not even close.

        For example, Xenosaga is literally a half-assed, contrived deconstruction of sinners living in post-Rapture (no really, mankind tried to kill God, and He literally departed the universe, causing it to slowly collapse).

        And of course, there’s always fighting whatever version of The Devil/Death/Emperor Doom in other FF games, where some asshole possesses godlike potential to end/enslave all life.

        • doresh

          Xenosaga is basically NGE the video game without the awesome super robot fights.

        • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

          To be fair with Xenosaga, it was originally going to be three games longer than it ended up being. They had to shove a TON of story into the last game, making it borderline ridiculous.

          • doresh

            This is exactly what happened to Xenogears, turning the last game into Cutscenes connected with a bit of gameplay.
            You’d think Tetsuya Takahashi (the creator of both franchises) would’ve been a bit more careful the second time around.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Even the first game, the only one that wasn’t rushed or cut on account of budget, went batshit bonkers with the Judeo-Christian references; most without any real symbolic context or relation to the plot.

            I cut it the most slack because as the first game it was supposed to establish the universe and characters, and for the first half or so (the Woglinde) it actually succeeded in that.
            But right around when the SND arrived, I knew that the plot was going off its meds and onto the wacky-rails…and so it remained until the bitter end when we learn that all the “bad guys” are doing is creating a time-loop to avoid being erased from existence by the universe ending.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            The first game always amused me by have a freaking in-game encyclopedia to explain half of all their references. I can’t even remember if the following two games had one too, or if I just decided to ignore it and play the fucking game.

            Honestly, Xenosaga is one of those series that I played for the characters and not the plot. And in that regard, the ending was pointlessly cruel. ):

          • Atmos_Duality

            Xenosaga 3 had one, and it was the most comprehensive by far; it positively dwarfed XS1′s.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            Yeah, I thought so, but couldn’t quite remember if it was the second or third game that had it. Thanks for the clarification! :)

  • http://twitter.com/XirixLunara Xirix Lunara

    Hey Spoony, I think the audio levels in this episode are a bit off. The pure video scenes are much louder than your commentary scenes, I had to keep turning the volume up and down while watching to not get a headache.

  • Critic From The Future

    Oh my, this game really sucks. This was definitely the best part yet. After this he still has FF 13-2, and after that 13-3! Oh, this is going to be a fun ride.

  • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

    To end this entire argument on Spoony being right or wrong on snow and this falling bull shit and how much this game blows my balls hear, try this and tell me how this works into your fucked up game mates. They wear NO armor, but can handle being shot at point blank range REPEATEDLY without so much as a fucking scratch. They ALL can fall from hundreds of feet and shrug it off like its nothing without so much as a limp. They fight shit that even Goku would say “well crap” to and beat it to death like its nothing. O and just so we remember and prove just how stupid anyone who argues against this is, THEY FALL FROM DAMN NEAR LOW ORBIT GOING AT LEAST MACH 2 STRAIGHT INTO THE GROUND AND HIT SO GOD DAMN HARD THEY ARE FLUNG OUT OF THE SHIP!!!! O yeah your right though right? People live through that shit all the time right? I can just jump off a building and i wont even get a scratch right? For fucks sake you 12 year old kids wake the fuck up and look at the hunk of shit game you are trying to defend. For real. As always great job Spoony and cant wait for Ep.4

    • dennett316

      Not a Final Fantasy fan in any way, so no defending as such here, but the whole series is full of ridiculous crap like this from what I’ve seen. Suplexing a train. Causing massive damage with a volleyball. Enemies getting his by giant swords but don’t actually suffer slash/stab damage. Various characters have punched monsters of all shapes and sizes and suffered no damage to their hands while doing so. Fair enough with the huge falls thing, but ridiculous shit goes on in ALL video games at some point…you could tear most games apart if you really analysed things in-depth enough.
      Perhaps it’s just the more realistic looking character models that make it seem THAT much dumber? Eh, even then, something like Uncharted or Tomb Raider features ammo refills in ancient tombs and doesn’t always explain it by having bad guys getting there first. At the end of the day, it’s a game, and 100% realistic isn’t fun. Any action movie could be disassembled the same way in regards to the damage a hero can take, even a more realistic one like Die Hard is still pretty outlandish, and John McClane at least has SOME reaction to what he goes through.

      • doresh

        I’ve played a fair share of the older games, and I’ve never seen any previous party constantly shrug of falls and impacts no ordinary human could possibly survive.
        There also seems to be some “Silicon Valley” stuff going on: If something looks realistic, you expect it to behave realistic.

        • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

          Agreed.

      • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

        I agree 100% mate, if its completely bond in reality its lame but honestly. For most games of the past they had magic/super time travel outlandish impossible training. In ff10 and this string of fail that is ff13 please tell me, how can snow do ANY of those things when he has no super training, magic, or anything besides a strength enhancing coat? And the bullets have hurt other people in ff7 and before. Basically when ff8 came out things started going down hill and when 10 hit the field it was G.O for old school gamers. So i agree and disagree ^^

    • Brad Duke

      Dude, I play Pathfinder. A game system where according to the rules, a mid level character can fall from outer space, land on his face, then run off and do a long jump that puts real life Olympians to shame. This kind of thing on its own…. not really gonna destroy suspension of disbelief for me. I’m not sayig it’s a good game. I haven’t played it and don’t plan to and don’t comment on the quality of things I haven’t experienced myself. But going on a rant like that over something so minor really makes you look like a douche. At least when Spoony does it it’s in an attempt at comedy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/emran.ismail Emran Qadir Ismail

    I think people have forgotten if you complete your focus you become a crystal stature but you’re still alive that is almost like immortality.

    And whole Linear corridors doesn’t really bother me because I still like this game and final fantasy XIII-2,VII,VIII,IX,X and XII.

    • Charred Newt

      Isn’t it kind of a terrible fate? You may be immortal, but you can’t move, or talk, or feel, from what I’ve seen by now. If they’re still conscious and aware it’s nightmarish, if they’re unconscious it’s kinda pointless.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Zandrous Daniel Powers

    Honestly, the forest was as far as I got in the game. I was so fucking bored and lost that I just didn’t care. I gave up and traded it in. Haven’t looked back. I just have to see the rest of the this stupid game to see how much I saved myself in both time and sanity. I honestly remember jack shit about the game aside from the feeling of being aggravated beyond belief. None of the characters are memorable and, like you said, the plot is non-existent. Spoony I’m sorry you have to suffer through this game. But remember, you’re doing it for the greater good. And we love ya for it man. RIP THIS BITCH A NEW ONE!! CUT ITS BALLSACK OFF AND SMACK IT ACROSS THE FACE LIKE ITS A SLAPJACK!

  • babea44713

    I… am not actually getting entertained by these reviews. I am getting irritated. Not by Spoony, but by the games themselves. Why are people actual fans of this stuff? Why would someone spend 12+ hours of their lives running down hallways, only getting interrupted by nonsensical plot and battles which are fought by basically choosing options from drop-down lists? Who makes these games? For whom? The graphics and visuals are nice, production values are obviously high, why are these games so bafflingly inane?

    • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

      Simple, the new gamer is about 10-12 years old, lazy and does not want to work for anything thus they want it hand fed to them with no real work on their part. So in turn shit games like this are made and good games are ruined to try and appease these new brats. Basically you will be hard pressed to find a good game anymore that doesn’t suck balls. The graphics got better but the plots have crashed cus the old generation of gamers basically died out to make way for a bunch of twilight kids who think games have to be easy or they suck. So yeah blame the kids mate.

      • Gregory Bogosian

        I disagree, its not the consumer that is making modern JRPGs fail, it is the competition. The two core appeals of JRPGs have always been the story, and the exploration. Action games and other genres with more engaging combat mechanics have appropriated those two appeals, so no one really understands why people would play a JRPG as opposed to a game of any other genre. So the people who make modern JRPGs, at least Final Fantasy games, bet everything on the visuals because that is the only thing that they know how to do better than typical games in other genres. This of course does not work because when people only want good visuals they can just watch a movie.

        So basically, the combat mechanics of JRPGs became obsolete when games with better combat figured out how to tell stories and give the player a world to explore, and instead of trying to make newer better mechanics, the makers of Final Fantasy just tried to make the games prettier, and allowed their outmoded combat mechanics to destroy their product’s long run viability.

        • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

          And don’t forget something mate, that is all very very true, but they are also tending to the consumer and the consumer of the new ff games are 10-12 year olds just like wow, kotor, guild wars and diablo 3. So my point still stands mate but you are right as well.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            How do you know that typical modern Final Fantasy fans are 10-12 year olds?

            FF XIII is rated T.

            http://www.amazon.com/Final-Fantasy-XIII-Playstation-3/dp/B000FQ2DTA/ref=sr_1_1?s=videogames&ie=UTF8&qid=1366581543&sr=1-1&keywords=final+fantasy+xiii

            If Square Enixe’s target audience are 10-12 year olds, then why didn’t they edit the games content to get it rated E?

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            Dude….do you even play x-box live, wow, guild wars or ANY other game…like…ever? Do i even need to tell you how incredibly stupid that entire thing is? How many 10-15 yo play d2, wow, gw? o btw they has a…wait for it…wait for it….T for Teen rating to -.- Fail dude. The reason i said what i said is cus the kids can have their parents buy it for them cus it looks cool and so the kid will want it and beg the mommy and daddy to get it for them and just like d2 and the other games i just listed and even more like o i don’t know, resident evil or basically any cool looking games more often then not KIDS are the ones who play them. In ff’s case its cute and incredibly easy and dumbed down so kids will love it. Hence my comment. But seriously? Dude….that was just a fail try at a burn….so much fail there…

          • Gregory Bogosian

            I only play single-player games, I am old enough to drink, and I cannot imagine that I am the only person who fits those two criteria. Final Fantasy XIII is an exclusively single-player game, so the ages of those who play multi-player games tell us nothing about the ages of the people who bought Final Fantasy XIII. When you consider that the Final Fantasy franchise has been around since 1987, I just cannot believe that most of its fans are less than 13 years old.

            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Final_Fantasy

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            Then you need to wake up mate, the younger gen is the people who buy the hard core games out there now. This is not a insult to you even after your fail burn attempt, this is the truth. When i go to the store to buy games at least 50% of the people buying the games that are T for teen or higher are kids, as in 12-15 years of age. If you go to your local wal mart, game stop or any other store that sells games, just watch who buys for an hour, bet you will see i am in no way wrong mate.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            I only buy games from Amazon and Steam. Unless you show me some actual statistics from a credible source. I will not believe you no matter what you say.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            Then be blind if you must.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            Fuck you.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            No thank you young man/woman. I am sure your right hand can do that for me.

          • Brad Duke

            Ever the intelligent response. You have truly won me over to your way of thinking.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            Sorry. I just lose my temper really easily.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            As do i so in turn i also apologize. I agree to disagree

            .

          • Gregory Bogosian

            I accept your apology. Moreover, I am well aware that parents buy T and M rated games for their children, because my parents did that for me when I was a child.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Asking for evidence = “Be blind if you must”
            Logic!

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Are you a child? Go back and play Call of Duty or something.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            No i am not, and you obviously did not READ my comment and merely painted it as you saw fit to defend something that has no flow of its narrative and if were in a movie form would bomb at the box office. So again try looking at the game you are pulling a gun blade fan boy defense over before trying to tear into someone who knows far more about games, there plots and ways of workings and overall game play mechanics otherwise you not only prove my age comment whether literally or wisdom wise completely correct. For though you may be able to drink as many other fans are if you can not step outside your self to see just how the game is from a true die hard fan of the franchise then you ARE just a lip stick gamer and honestly you have no business cutting hairs with someone who knows more then you on the subject and is willing to see all sides of the argument. This is why my comment said 10-12 year olds, whether the person or persons is honestly of the physical age of 12 or the maturity age of that the comment still rings true. And what you said above proves my point for me mate. Try looking into things a bit more next time before you open your self up to such humiliation for your honest lack of wisdom on the subject to begin with.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            And by the way make sure to read my response to Stephen Mc Devitt and then take a look in the mirror and see if you fall into the category of that title of child again mate.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Wow! That is just absolutely insulting. What makes YOU think what defines a Final Fantasy fan? Am I not allowed to like Final Fantasy XIII without being insulted. I WANTED to get into Final Fantasy but I was too busy with the likes of Spyro, Jak & Daxter and Ratchet & Clank.

        I gave into peer pressure to not buy XII but I thought “Fuck these guys!” and bought XIII. You’re just a massive douche.

        • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

          And you cant see how insanely fail this game is when held up against the older games. Which in turn means your not a real gamer mate.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            All people who play video games, even those who only play terrible video games for some reason, are gamers.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            A gamer is someone who plays not only for the mechanics of the game but also the story and the drive of what makes the game tick. If you play just for the cosmetics that’s fine but don’t try to cut hairs with a person who plays games and has been playing games for many many years for the story only.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            Not every game has a story. Are you saying that people who only play games without stories, like the Civilization series for example, are not gamers?

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            That is not the same genre as ff13 and mmorpg’s. By pulling a card like that you can not see what i am getting at and any further attempt to open your eyes would fail. So in turn i leave this spout with this, if you play MMORPG’s for how it looks, good for you but don’t try to cut hairs with someone who has played them for there entire life and knows a good story from a fail story especially when you cant see how fail the story of the game you are trying so hard to defend is.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Not all of us think the story in XIII is bad. Get over it!

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            Read my comment above and please calm the bloody hell down mate.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            I DO play games for the story. Why else would’ve I have bought Spec Ops: The Line?

          • Brad Duke

            Oh, so a gamer is someone who plays games *the same way you do.* That’s all very clear now. That kind of thinking totally makes me think you are credible, and not a jackass with huge nostalgia blinders and an inflated sense of self importance. Thank you for all your completely intelligent banter.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            So you think you’re the only who can define what a gamer is?

        • doresh

          There is no singular definition. Every new FF game is very different from their predecessors. Some like different aspects and have their own view of what makes a good FF entry.

          And what “peer pressure” are you talking about? Nobody is forcing you to NOT buy a particular game.

          And from what I have seen here, YOU are the one insulting people for not sharing your opinion. You can’t play the victim if you’re do the same thing you criticize, and it doesn’t help your cause of defending the game.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            But Logan Fields just flatout called me a brat for not hating XIII like he does. I think I every right to stand up for myself.

          • doresh

            He made a broad generalization you took too personally instead of calling him out on it – like, I dunno, “Excuse me fine sir, but I’m actually X years old and have played complex games like [insert title here] in the part. The reasons I do not agree with your personal opinion of FFXIII is…”

            Lashing out like that without actually bringing up counterargument is not the way to go. It carries the risk of being dismissed as fanboy talk.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            Which is what i said when i posted my feelings about why the games of late seem to be aimed at the younger generation. Thank you for reading what i said fine sir/ma’am.

          • doresh

            I have read what you said, and you talked about how newer games are inferior to older ones because they are supposedly aimed at a younger audience. I have said nothing like that in any of the two comments of mine you might be replying to.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            I bought XIII when I was 20 so I’m not part of the younger generation. I would’ve count as one if I bought FFXII or the PS2 KH titles when I was a teen.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Sorry.

          • doresh

            Everyone makes mistakes.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            The comment i made was against people who can not see the reasons why Spoony is right. I do respect any enjoyment you may get from the game but i can see both sides, its cute, pretty and the combat system is fun. How ever story line wise the game is a complete pile of what in the fucking hell is going on? So no, it was not a jab at “You” it was a jab at narrow minded fans who wish not to look at a game for more then why they like it and see the flaws it has in comparison to older versions of the game and or other types of games from the same genre. So again, no, i was not attacking “YOU” for “YOUR” liking and or enjoyment of the game. It was a broad attack on people who do not wish to look at all sides of this argument. So in turn please try and fully read what a person types before telling them to “fuck off”.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Sorry about that. The narrow minded people ARE shallow and stupid but I speak shouting to the top of lungs to prove that not all fans of XIII are shallow and stupid and actually find valid reasons to like XIII.

            I DO like the older games. I own Crisis Core, VII, IX, VIII, VI, I, IV, Dissidia and Dissidia 012.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            And as i said you have a full right to like it as i said when i said “I do respect any enjoyment you may get from the game but i can see both sides, its cute, pretty and the combat system is fun.” Like the fact i like a few crapy games my self for this or that reason. But the thing is i can admit the game is a total pile of crap even though i like for my own reasons. I don’t go against people pointing out the horrible flaws in the game saying “shut up! that’s not true! the game is a master piece!” That was my entire point mate. And no problem mate, we all get heated sometimes and jump before we think ^^

      • Atmos_Duality

        Final Fantasy may be a flaming circus of fail, but lets not project that assumption to the entirety of gaming, mkay?

        • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

          Never did, if you like it honesty for the fact of the people or the look that’s cool. And if you honestly like the story then that is your right as a person to like something i do not, however once again my point is this mate, look at ff7, ff1-6 or even ff9 and then look at this pile of fail and tell me i am wrong. And then look at games like wow, diablo 3, guild wars and guild wars 2 and even kotor and why they butcher them so badly (story and plot wise) and how badly they do it and then come back and tell me that again mate. People like different things but the consumer dictates what the producer is going to make and the easiest consumer to tend to is the kids since they want it now now now and have their parents to get it for them. So my point still stands and i respect peoples wish will and own views even if i disagree with them and they do not see the full picture..

          • Atmos_Duality

            At no point did I say I liked FF13, its look, or its story.
            The only point I take contention with is this generalization.

            “Basically you will be hard pressed to find a good game anymore that doesn’t suck balls.”

            While I also hate the bland, dumbed-down games that most of the AAA business has put out for the last 6-7 years, I actually don’t have that much difficulty finding great and promising games in the independent developer scene.

            (I’m waiting on no fewer than four such games right now, all due this year.)

            I’m just saying; don’t throw ALL of gaming under the bus just because the bloated AAA businesses pander to the lowest common denominator.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Moore/100000051103641 Ryan Moore

            diablo 3 had potential; the black soulstone, the internal conflict between the angels and final battle in heaven could have been KICKASS

      • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

        Nah, modern games aren’t made easier so much as they just take out the stupid fake difficulty littered in most older games. Games can be fun and challenging without being infuriating, y’know.

        Though I agree with you about plots of modern games. Finding a JRPG with a really, really enjoyable and deep story in recent years can be a bit of a challenge sometimes.

        • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

          I agree with you and am glad at least someone can see what i say for what it is ^^

        • doresh

          Streamlining can help, but there’s always the risk of simplifying it too much. Distancing the player from combat by making parts of it automated is not really the best move. Combat needs to be engaging to stay interesting.

          As for modern games, you should check out the Persona series. They have actual characters that start to grow on you, not cliché stereotypes.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            Agreed.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            Very true, there needs to be a balance in everything.

            FF12, for example, is usually referenced when talking about simplifying a battle system to the point of not needing to even be in the room to win in combat, but I think it handled it much better than FF13 did. After all, to get to the point where you can actually do that, you have to have been playing the game for significant portion of the game, and the license boards give the player the freedom to do whatever they actually want. FF13 on the hand just assigns roles and automatically decides the best move for the player to make for them. It’s the worst thing a game can be, it’s BORING.

            Persona series, eh? While I haven’t played any of the other Persona games, I do own and love Persona 4. >w< It was one of the last games for the PS2 I bought before getting a PS3. :3 Still, that came out, what, five years ago? Not exactly recent.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            Like i said nothing recent has been very good when held up to stuff from the past QQ But YES! You needs to play the Persona Series, it is very very good.

          • doresh

            Well, it still IS recent in that they had a re-release for the Vita.

            But for an actual modern title, you might wanna look at Xenoblade Chronicles. I’ve heard nothing but praise from this game.

      • http://handsomefatman.com/ Carlos Alexandre

        So while I’m firmly on the “screw FF13 and its ilk” side of things, this is noise. Noisy noise with no backing.

        There are tons of great modern games, and tons of terrible vintage titles. Oh yes, people forget how much of the NES and SNES libraries were utter garbage, but there were. Great modern game series? Gears of War, with its carefully structured encounters and generally pulse-pounding boss battles. Terrible classic game? Star Voyager on NES, almost everything by LJN, the massively overrated Sonic CD, etc.

        This notion of “more work to earn the best whatever” noise is similarly, yes, noise. That’s the kind of attitude that leads to forced grinds, to stuff like Symphony of the Night needing grinding to get all its treasures and setting the precedent for Castlevania, or Halo 4, the latest in what was otherwise a fairly solid FPS series, needing a grind to unlock weapons for your multiplayer avatar.

        Think before posting. You’re peddling easy, and ironically lazy, answers.

    • Chris Lincoln

      How is choosing items from drop-down lists different from older Final Fantasy games? Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty here to complain about, but that’s just a standard of Final Fantasy.

      • doresh

        Those drop-down lists are a bit weird in a game with a more real-time combat system, since you’d rather have those commands mapped to various buttons for quicker access. Square realized this with Lightning Returns AFAIK.

      • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

        I don’t argue that, but dude, they had plots and TRIED to make some sense. This doesn’t even try and go’s out of its way to insult your brain. That’s my point mate ^^

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I like Final Fantasy XIII. I actually try and find good within the game and I have the patience of a saint. If I can go over 40 days and 40 nights of Lent without sweets or games, then I can put 50-60 hours of my time into XIII without complaining. I actually had to play the game a second time because my old PS3 suffered the Yellow Light of Death and I lost my data.

      There were moments that pissed me off in the game but I skipped most of them in my second playthrough. I can put 110 hours into two playthroughs but I won’t spend a second watching The Big Bang Theory or the HD episodes of The Simpsons… think about it.

      • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

        I don’t disagree in the slightest mate, i am just saying the people who overly defend this game without opening there eyes to see just how bad it is in comparison to the older games is my point.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Final Fantasy XIII is definitely flawed, don’t get me wrong. There are moments that pissed me off more than others would notice like Snow being a manipulative dick and the horror that is Leona Lewis. The game itself can be monotonous when having to grind.

          • http://www.facebook.com/logan.fields.1232 Logan Fields

            Or the fact it tells you NOTHING about it self unless you take your self out of the story to read the in game wiki for its lack of being able to make a proper narrative and likable characters. Again following my prior point mate.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            I happen to like Lightning, Sazh, Fang, maybe even Jihl and I’ll say Dajh because he’s only a kid, thank you very much. The rest can burn in Hell.

    • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

      I think because the Japanese fanbase appreciates it more. I do know it’s more hated in North America. I think because
      The Japanese version probably had a better script. Final Fantasy has a history of F***king up translations, whether it be Ted Woolsey from FF6, the heavy censoring of everything from FF4, or the fact FF10′s script was practically rewritten from scratch.

      • doresh

        Not really. Copies of FFXIII landed in the bargain bin rather quickly (I think you can get the game for 5 bucks now), and only a third of the people who bought FFXIII had any interest in XIII-2.

        Then there was FFXIV, which made a good chunk of their Japanese fanbase quite angry.

        And I own the PAL version of FFX, whose subtitles are based on the original Japanese script. It’s a bit different from the dub, but I wouldn’t call it “rewritten from scratch”.

        • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

          Okay, I guess I was exaggerating a bit. So wait… if it’s not popular there, or here. No-one likes it? I mean if it globally bombed, why did they make sequels? I guess Square-Enix was so confident this was going to be a massive hit that they made the sequels before finding out how hated it was.

          • doresh

            I have no idea why Square-Enix keeps doing what it does, and I’m not sure if I want to know Oo

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Didn’t XIII-2 sold half the number XIII had?

          • doresh

            Right, I was talking more about the first weeks.

  • Gregory Bogosian

    Does the game ever explain why the Pulse Falcie hate Cacoon? If the Pulse Falcie don’t give their agents clear instructions, how does anyone know that they hate Cacoon? In fact, how do the people of Cacoon know that the Falcie are sentient? Does anyone actually know anything about the Falcie?

    • doresh

      One of them poops food. They are also very decorative.

    • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

      Yes, it is sort of explained–spoilers–by one of the Cocoon fal’cie in that the Pulse and Cocoon fal’cie are actually working together to destroy Cocoon because they miss their daddy, and they think doing so will get his attention.

  • Chris Lincoln

    Love the new intro, especially the Oreo launcher attack

    • Godmars

      Actually its an old intro which was a new one which ties into why the Spoony One is no longer Channel Awesome.

  • Chris Lincoln

    Reminds me of Commando Cody, he dies at the end of every episode only to just barely escape at the beginning of the next.

  • Abaris

    I’d like to watch but the player itself doesn’t load : (

    • http://www.facebook.com/otakursed Mike Lee

      It’s on his youtube channel as well, just fyi

      • Garmrspor

        Good Guy Spoony Fan.

  • Norman Stillwell

    One thing that confuses me is that why they all don’t just kill themselves?
    I don’t mean to be dark, it is just that realistically if you were being forced into a situation were you must do an order by your countries enemies where if you fail you turn into a monster, and if you succeed you turn into a statue and if you wish neather, than suicide seems like the best way to throw a spanner in the works against the evil plans of those who are controlling you.

    • Charred Newt

      Maybe they don’t know how to, since bullets don’t seem to be quite as effective as they should, and long falls aren’t an option either?

    • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

      Actually, the game covers this. Basically, if you’re force into becoming a l’Cie against your will, and start to get too emotional or suicidal, a Eidolon shows up to kick your ass until you let it kill you or pull yourself back together.

      • Norman Stillwell

        OK, thanks for clarifying.

      • doresh

        Wait… if the Eidolons are basically ALSO working for the fal’Cie, why don’t THEY do the job? Seeing how they’re closer to a fal’Cie, they probably understand those focuses better as well Oo

        • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

          The only answer I can figure is “the devs needed to put a summoning system somewhere”.

          • doresh

            That would explain the non-entry they have in the datalog…

  • http://twitter.com/yamina_chan yamina-chan

    Good god this game is dumb! That is shocking!

    Props to you Spoony, for soldering trough it and pointing out the flaws. Your review was fun to watch, as always =)

    (BTW: the fact that Oreo was bascially calim in the shot we saw made the line arround her especially hillarious XD)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ville-Gunnarsson/100000930270763 Ville Gunnarsson

    Now this was more like what I was expecting when Spoony started his FF XIII review. The first two were too tame and concentrated on insignificant issues. This one really showcased how incredibly stupid the characters and the plot actually are. Bravo!

  • NeroAngelo

    Well Spoondog, another awesome review. Oh yeah, btw (if you didn’t know), this game will have a SECOND sequel this fall

    • doresh

      The higher ups at Square are WAY too in love with Lightning.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        I’m really sick of people thinking Square actually liking Lightning. If they did, they would’ve made her the main protagonist in Final Fantasy XIII. Guess what, THEY don’t and Lightning ISN’T the main character. They hate Lightning and getting people to hate her. The only people who lose are those who DO like Lightning, such as myself. You, the self-proclaimed “true” fans of Final Fantasy and the big giant monster that is Square-Enix are double-gang-banging people who like XIII. You assholes are fucking dragons and I’m a poorly-equipped knight.

        • doresh

          If they don’t like her, why did the make one sequel about finding her and another one solely about her? Do you think they spend so much resources (instead of moving on to other projects) because they HATE her?
          And where exactly to I proclaim myself to be a “true” fan of Final Fantasy?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Have you actually played XIII and XIII-2? XIII treats Lightning like garbage for not instantly believing Snow and Serah and tries to make her learn a lesson in friendship like it’s Sesame Street. XIII-2 was more concerned about giving Serah and Mog, two unfunny characters, have as much screentime as possible. “OMG! Snow is the greatest!”

            Oh yeah, Square certainly cares about Lightning(!) Ha ha ha-Fuck them!

            Lightning was still treated like garbage in Dissidia 012 in a consistent matter, trying to survive against an army of manikins, seeing Kain betray their comrades and Warriors of Light saying he has all the answers he got off-screen.

            It’s nice to know you not one to insult people who like XIII. If you don’t like it, more power to you, it’s probably not your taste.

          • doresh

            So what is their master plan for Lightning Returns?

            (And yeah, it’s definitely not my taste.)

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Probably ruin her character altogether (or as you would see it, actually making Lightning significantly worse than already was in XIII) to piss off fans.

            Square-Enix HATES Lightning. They made XIII bad so X-2 would look better in comparison despite being the worst by default for it’s shitty J-pop and vapid retarded whores.

          • doresh

            No hate is worth spending millions of dollars if you can use these dollars to save the franchise.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Well I think even I could handle XIII’s story and Lightning’s character far better than the likes of Motomu Toriyama. Hell, look at all the XIII fanart and fanfics that actually give Lightning more character than the official AAA game. XIII is one story that fans could do better justice to than paid writers ever could.

            I wanted XIII-2 to focus more on Lightning as a character but it’s director wants to do the exact opposite and give her godly powers and end up as interesting as a sack of patatoes. No doubt Lightning Returns will grain salt into the flesh wound turning Lightning in a emotionless robot, with even less personality than before.

            What about her gunblade? What about her anti-gravity device? Lightning was fine as an officer of the law, why make her into a god and then the grim reaper? Why?

          • doresh

            Because Motomu Toriyama has no clue what the hell he’s doing?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Or he just an evil exploitative fuck who’s wanted to blow a lot of money for his own sick sexual pleasure which is bad comedy and wooden dialogue. I want rip Toriyama’s head off, piss on his neck and shit on his worthless carcass!

            The Star Wars prequel movies are multi-million dollar specticles but the stories written are in a way a child would write a fanfic and George Lucas in his 60′s. Big named actors actually to read out something a creep.

          • doresh

            In Lucas’ case, it was because he only let yea-sayers work for him, people that didn’t have the guts to tell him that the scripts of the new trilogy need a serious rewrite, that he should leave the original trilogy as it is and that he should slow down with the GCI overload.

            Dunno about Toriyama’s position at Square-Enix, but I think they should demote him.

          • Brad Duke

            And now, I am finally convinced you are just a troll. I mean really? “I hate this character SOOOO much! I’m gonna spend millions to make a sequel starring her and focusing on her story! That’ll show her.” ROTFLOL that is idiotic. And then… then.. after spending all that time defending the game, you say it’s bad in this ppost. LOL man I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Toriyama KNOWS this would make people angry because he’s an evil exploitive fuck.

      • NeroAngelo

        I’ll say this about her, she’s WAAAAY greater than Tidus

  • Felipe Sarabia

    You know? The gameplay of…this, is kind of genius. The only way one could posibly traverse through this game is if one were to be guided in a single, straight path. The story doesn’t explain you shit, so basically the one way you can actually see how it develops is going forward without any detours. It’s like the developers saw the script for the story and said: “there is no way in hell players are going to be able how to advance with this crap” so instead of actually shoving it up the writer’s ass and forcing him to begin from scratch they made the game around it.

    On another note: What is going on with the voice acting? it sounds as if they are trying to put and accent, but it just sounds as if they were caught eating before recording!

    • MaX Mpesiris

      Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooofl!!!!!

      This made my day!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bender1990 Mateusz Marcin Trejman

    This game is bad? You haven’t seen their “MMORPG” FFXIV: Realm Reborn… It’s is so shitty, so crappy that is completly unplayable. I can’t tell much of this piece of shit (NDA), but i can assure you, that you have never ever seen so fucked up gameplay, JOB system, interface… i can even relate one thing, which is made completly good. There are several changes in comparision to “first” FF XIV, but nevertheless it’s still same fucked up game not worth to bothering about. So @Spoony if You would like to compare FF XIII to beta of FF XIV:RR i can give you passcodes… the world will never be the same for you :)

    • Garmrspor

      That’s the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard.

      “It’s is so shitty, so crappy that is completly unplayable.” *slow clap*

  • http://www.facebook.com/bender1990 Mateusz Marcin Trejman

    Oh, i forgot to mention – Thank You for this review upload at my birthday. Best gift ever! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1441642492 JoeCB91

    Thank you for putting this up on the same day as my birthday. Made an amazing extra birthday present.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Collier/100000597249968 Michael Collier

    Okay Spoony, if some bust down your door and hands you a shotgun and a banana, and you get a vision of George Lucas, first you load the shotgun with the banana then you can figure out what to do with George Lucas from there.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Shoot George with the banana gun up his ass. There, I just explained it all to everyone.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

    The fact Spoony calls Final Fantasy XIII the story ever told is absolute bullshit since he gave that title to Ultima IX just before he reviewed the game. That review was obviously after he probably played and finished XIII since he also played XIII-2 the same year as his Ultima IX review.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

    Bwahaha, loved the hidden clips in the vision. Also, nice to see the Andrew Dickman intro again. :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Black/100000380573698 Steven Black

    The story and characters just keep getting worse.

    I just love that Benzaie is one of the harbingers of Ragnarok. You don’t need Heimdall R when you have Benzaie.

    Strangely, this might be some of the most interesting creature designs for a Final Fantasy game ever. The problem as you point out being that they have no real place in the world they are actually in. Police slimes? Its like something out of Call of Cthulu not FF. Its a long way from the original Final Fantasy. Mind boggling story perhaps, but the level design and creatures were actually brilliant. Four fiends, four elements, each area features creatures that are based around the element. You got a volcano with fire creatures, sunken water level with sea creatures, etc. What happened? FFXIII simply does not understand a basic concept like having any area that would be urbanized would have human enemies and mechs opposed against the group, and the outside areas would have the untamed creatures. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! lol. Well at least its a tomato monster in a forest, so its ecology is right.

    Man there is so much material here for making fun of. So Carbuncle, the esper that historically casts reflect in FF makes food now? “Why does this food taste like crushed glass, mommy?” This makes no sense. Why not something that would make more sense, like say they hooked a giant Flan in there and they called it Prodigal. Then they harvest gelatin from it to feed the population. Oh right, because that would require some simple thought on the part of the writers and does not fit into the current Summon tree.

    They kill soldiers with that same sort of lack of conscience a bad PC does, what we call the murder hobo, who kills indiscriminantly without reason. Apparently Falling Damage, one of the things most likely to kill a PC in a PnP board game is something they are immune to. If I was GMing this I would quit.

  • Dennis Sap

    Damn that Hope, creeps me the fuck out. “You don’t know yet?”
    Fuck that! I never ever ever want to know yet!

    I wish you a lot of mental fortitude Spoony. Who cares about a few months? I don’t think I’d be ever able to finish this shit without losing chunks of brain matter. Come on, what sane person wants to lobotomise himself like this for our entertainment? Respect Spoony, respect :p

  • Atmos_Duality

    Huh. Nearly five months between FF13 reviews.
    Guess we’ll see Part 4 sometime in October, assuming the site doesn’t die by then.

    Anyway…

    Why doesn’t the Fal’cie tell their L’Cie their focus?

    Because they’re gods in a jrpg and “They are above human understanding” is a really convenient way to justify hack writing in a story. Besides, if they set up the Fal’Cie as gods, you know they can possibly wank off to “killing a god” or someone “becoming a god” later…usually both.

    If it isn’t fighting the Supreme Emperor of Evil, it’s always Killing God or defeating some Death persona; usually with the power of friendship/love.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johan-Eriksson/1373557107 Johan Eriksson

      I suggest you learn to count, it is not “nearly 5 months” between december 31 and April 20.

      • Atmos_Duality

        My bad. Nearly 4 months.
        You happy now, oh condescending one?

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johan-Eriksson/1373557107 Johan Eriksson

          I don’t see how I’M the condescending one when you are the one complaining about the length between reviews in an exaggerated manner and saying that the site might shut down because of it, ignoring all the other stuff Spoony has been putting up in the meantime. I just enjoy taking complainers down a peg.

          • Atmos_Duality

            It wasn’t exaggerated by much (less than 10 days), factoring out my error (which I admitted).

            “I don’t see how I’M the condescending one”
            Oh really? Lets back the bullshit bus up a bit.

            “I suggest you learn to count,”
            That’s textbook condescension, so don’t you dare try to feign innocence here.

            “ignoring all the other stuff Spoony has been putting up in the meantime”

            Considering how many people I’ve seen slinging shit at the endless parade of Counter Monkey and three week gaps between actual videos, that’s not a terribly strong defense.

            “saying that the site might shut down because of it”

            TSE’s Alexa ratings have been falling for quite some time now, and it’s directly attributable to the lower rate of content generation, which is getting worse every year. What little he does put out, people are snapping at (I like Counter Monkey, but there’s a lot of people who don’t).

            Combine that with the cost of hosting a website and it’s not difficult to see where this is going.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johan-Eriksson/1373557107 Johan Eriksson

            “It wasn’t exaggerated by much (less than 10 days), factoring out my error (which I admitted)”

            It doesn’t make your exaggeration of over a month any less just because you admitted it.

            “That’s textbook condescension, so don’t you dare try to feign ignorance here.”

            I’m not feigning ignorance, maybe you didn’t notice my use of caps in “…I’M the condescending one” but that was supposed to signify emphasis. As in: “I’m being condescending to you but only in response to the condescending tone you are taking, so don’t try to paint me as the condescending one”. Maybe that was a little bit too subtle for you.

            “Considering how many people I’ve seen slinging shit at ethe endless parade of Counter Monkey and three week gaps between actual videos, that’s not a terribly strong defense.”

            What defense? I was trying to point out to you that Spoony’s FF-reviews are far from the only thing he puts out, and not the only thing that keeps the site going. That doesn’t change just because some idiots are slinging shit at everything else he puts out.

            “TSE’s Alexa ratings have been falling for quite some time now, and it’s directly attributable to the lower rate of content generation, which is getting worse every year. What little he does put out, people are snapping at (I like Counter Monkey, but there’s a lot of people who don’t).

            Combine that with the cost of hosting a website and it’s not difficult to see where this is going.”

            There are just as many who does like it, it was quite the success when it first came out you know. And Counter Monkey isn’t the only other thing he has been putting out either. Point is: Stop acting like Spoony has to focus on this one particular thing or else he is doomed.

          • Atmos_Duality

            “It doesn’t make your exaggeration of over a month any less just because you admitted it”

            *headdesk*
            It was an error. Correcting it makes the exaggeration less by exactly one month. Or can’t you fucking count?

            “I’m being condescending to you but only in response to the
            condescending tone you are taking, so don’t try to paint me as the
            condescending one”

            That’s stupid. No really, that makes no goddamn sense.
            “I’m condescending!…but you shouldn’t try to call me condescending because I’m trying to save face!”

            And you’re acting as if this is something clever?
            Pathetic.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johan-Eriksson/1373557107 Johan Eriksson

            “*headdesk*

            It was an error. Correcting it makes the exaggeration less by exactly one month. Or can’t you fucking count?”

            An exaggeration by mistake is still an exaggeration, and correcting it NOW doesn’t change that fact that you made the exaggeration in the first place, which was what I was talking about.

            “That’s stupid. No really, that makes no goddamn sense.
            “I’m condescending!…but you shouldn’t try to call me condescending
            because I’m trying to save face!”
            And you’re acting as if this is something clever? Pathetic.”

            It’s more like: “I’m condescending, but so are you so don’t act like I’m the only one”

            And I didn’t say it was clever of me, only that it might have been too subtle (hard to notice) for you to pick up on. It was just two letters written in caps after all.

            “And now you’re either misquoting me to make your point, or you can’t
            read either.
            It’s “innocence”, not “ignorance”.”

            Damn automatic spell-correction. I’m a lousy proof-reader, I’ll give you that.

          • Atmos_Duality

            “An exaggeration by mistake is still an exaggeration, and correcting it
            NOW doesn’t change that fact that you made the exaggeration in the first place, which was what I was talking about.”

            And this matters why?
            You corrected me in a condescending manner, I admitted my mistake rightly cross at you, and that’s it.

            “It’s more like: “I’m condescending, but so are you so don’t act like I’m the only one””

            Well, I wasn’t acting condescending when I commented on TSE’s state.
            The original statement is in the neutral tone, as an observation, with a guess. None of those equates to talking down to anyone.

            “And I didn’t say it was clever of me, only that it might have been
            too subtle (hard to notice) for you to pick up on. It was just two
            letters written in caps after all.”

            Fine. I’ll have to take you at your word here.

  • Carteeg_Struve

    I wonder what percentage those playing the game, when during the scene with Hope on Snow’s back, started screaming at the screen for Hope to pull out his knife and stab the douchebag fucker in the back of his neck?

    Just me? Oh well, I…… Oh. There are all of the hands. Shit. That’s a lot. Never mind.

    Was anybody “not” screaming for that to happen?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I wish Snow splat into millions of little wet chunks of flesh, bones and tons of blood Mortal Kombat style.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Binku-Muja/100003653927147 Binku Muja

        I was loudly shouting at the tv for him to dance on the bastards fingers-so loud was my encouragement that members of my family poked their heads in to see if I was ok. Then came the tidal wave of swearing when the bloody idiot fails to kill him.

  • Shad Croly

    I was going to type up something about how I still like the game (I do) even though it sucks (it does), but a thought occurred to me as I was writing it that really made me start to think. Square Enix’s CEO recently stepped down and the new one is planning on looking over the company and fixing the stuff that isn’t working. I can’t speak for the Japanese market, because it is VERY different from ours, but Final Fantasy XIII feels like a good example of what Square Enix might have been doing wrong in terms of their game development, and the sequels to XIII seem to be their attempt at fixing the situation. I’m actually kinda hopeful that, once Square Enix works out all the kinks in their game development, they’ll start making a lot more quality games.

  • Malidictus

    Hmm… So Andrew Dickman changed his mind about denying Spoony the “new” intro he made? Awesome!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brnd-Myr/1254717857 Brnd Myr

    Can you please summarize the plot so far?! I am totally lost.

    • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

      In short?
      The main characters get made into l’Cie.
      They then run around trying to evade execution and capture while trying to figure out wtf they’re supposed to do for their Focus.
      More or less sums up 15 hours of gameplay.

      • golden izanagi

        you forgot lighting gets a horsey, snow gets a motorcycle, hope whines allot, sazh gets a race car then rants about sugars and rainbows and is captured then escapes then the main heroes finally get together then tries to fight the primarch who turns out to be a fal’cie of course that is how far I got mainly because of frustration and boredom of the game as nothing kept me interested.

        • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

          Oi, you’re getting ahead of yourself. ;) We haven’t even gotten to Hope getting to his Dad’s place yet in these reviews, let alone the actually interesting crap. And yes, the crap with the Primarch is arguably the most interesting plot point in the game up until the end.

          And that’s just scratching the surface of the stupid. I wonder how many videos Spoony is going to make for this review?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            I noticed that Spoony hasn’t talked much of the characters. What will he say when Lightning says sorry to Snow but Snow asks for her name and then steals all the credit for bringing Hope back home?

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            One thing I’ve noticed about Spoony’s reviews is that he never really focuses on the little details or interactions between characters.

            Take FFX, for example–his review is four parts long, but the folks at Video Game Recaps managed to create the exact same type of review of the stupidity of the game (albeit in text form instead of video) to twenty two parts (twenty three, if you count the recap of the extra epilogue that connects FFX and FFX-2, which most Americans never saw). They used many similar jokes that Spoony did, such as the ass counting gag (though note that the VGR recaps were published between eight and six full years before Spoony made his first FFX video), and very similar criticisms. The main difference between the two is that Spoony overlooked massive amounts of gameplay and subplots, where VGR covered EVERYTHING.

            Point is, unless it’s extremely notable, it’s probably not going to be mentioned.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Spoony DID focus on little parts of most of the characters from Lulu’s “list” to Wakka comparing a destroyed home to a fireworks show. Spoony’s main problem with X was Tidus, a character.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            Eh, Wakka’s comment wasn’t really minor, though. I remember the first time I played the game, I literally said “He did NOT just fucking say that” out loud during that scene, out of sheer disbelief. Sure, it’s minor in terms of story, but the bad taste from the line really just stays with you.

            Though I’m not saying that Spoony does wrong by sometimes cherry picking his examples. :)

    • PeaTearGryfin

      The Short Version:
      Serah! Serah! SERAAAAH!!!!
      You don’t know what to do? What do we do? I don’t know what to do.

      Long Version:
      Stupid people tried to fight a giant evil statue, and were turned into its slaves. They have no freaking idea what they are doing because the statue refused to tell them what their objective is. Now they are running around in circles trying to figure out what to do. The main character could possibly be evil.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nathan.kerr.1293 Nathan Kerr

    Worth the wait dude, thanks for posting and keep up the great work!

  • http://www.facebook.com/SergioZamoraGrancelli Sergio Zamora Grancelli

    Very good ep, Spoony! It’s been a long time since a I laughed this hard. Waiting for the next one (four months from now, I guess :P)

  • http://www.facebook.com/themannman Alexander Hahnkaeuf Mann

    Thank you, Spoony. Thank you for doing this.

    I get asked a lot why this game is so…bad. Mostly by those people that will start singing “Still Alive” and going on about the Companion Cube, but have never played a second of Portal in their life. You know the kind. So they look at the box art, they hear the music, they see the flashy-looking combat and they go, “Why don’t you like it? It looks so coo~ol…!” And there’s only so much you can do in mere words.

    Thank you for making this. Not just so that I can be lazy and redirect all questions to these videos, but because it’s an educational tool. It’s the wake-up slap across the face of a lot of people, so that you can show them just precisely what they’re supporting. It’s funny, we all laugh at it, but we carry that underlying, undeniable truth: this is a shitty fucking game.

    Thank you for teaching us.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Hey, I played XIII fully so Spoony’s review wouldn’t be an education as it would be a slap to the face at people for liking it. Yes, Noah Antwiler (not talking about Spoony) wants to dictate how people should feel about XIII.

      • doresh

        He might exaggerate sometimes for comedic effect, but is he really dictating, or does he raise valid complaints?

      • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

        He doesn’t tell us how we should feel, he’s telling us how “HE” feels. Because it’s HIS opinion. Heck, his review of Final Fantasy 8 got me into playing it, and I enjoy it. And I still like 10 even after watching his review. Because we’re not sheep who says “Someone on the internet has an opinion? I’d better change mine to fit with his” That’s not the point of the review. People who give reviews will always have a positive or negative opinion, despite the movie or game is awesome, or crap. He’s not trying to brainwash us, he’s just saying what he thinks of it. It’s our choice whether we want to play it or not.

  • http://twitter.com/LikChan Lik Chan

    Great review, you’re not even halfway through it yet, haha

  • Sajeh

    Holy shit, this review were fuckin’ ace!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Mark-Maczynski/100001459257449 Michael Mark Maczynski

    I swear to god, I laughed out loud at every “You don’t know yet?!”.

  • SpiderEarth

    Did the Shiva Sisters just scissor to transform into the motorcycle? o.O

    • doresh

      Could’ve been worse. At least they’re not underaged gothic lolitas.

    • http://twitter.com/XirixLunara Xirix Lunara

      They did.. I’m kind of dissapointed Spoony didn’t point that out.

  • http://twitter.com/WRONGonRED Andrew St. Andrew

    You’re supposed to shove the banana up your ass and put the shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger… that or play this game. Same difference.

  • http://whiterosebrian.tumblr.com/ White Rose Brian

    Why do I watch so many review videos? Is it just a waste of time? I should hope that it isn’t. I am a seriously aspiring writer and illustrator. I wish to do great work. I wish to learn what not to do in addition to what I can do right. Watching this video and looking over the comments and arguments is yet another little educational moment for me. I’ll grant that such videos as this are comedic in nature, not meant to be taken entirely seriously, but they still have some insights. I hope to continue learning as I train. I also trust you’ll be entertaining, Noah.

    • RightousMan

      I actually hope his next video goes more in depth about what the underlying problems with the characters and the story are. Though for all I know what he covered already, is all Square put in for story.

    • endplanets

      The most generic thing that characters do in video games/movies/wrestling is almost never use pronouns. By always using the character’s names you drill that name into the reader’s head.

      “Stop doing that” turn into “Stop doing that Bob”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Pierson/1152517641 David Pierson

    You know what I just realized? Final Fantasy XIII and XIII-2 should have been the same game. I mean, XIII’s story could have easily been told in less than half of the time they took for it, and adding in the additional 20 to 30 hours for XIII-2′s story would have been a breeze Also, how interesting would it have been if the main character suddenly vanished half way through, and main character status switches to her formerly crystallized sister within the same game?

    I don’t know, just a thought.

    • level_control

      Pretty dumb thought, considering the company made a lot more money by releasing two separate games.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

    As I’ve said before, I actually really enjoy the character development in the early to middle “third” of the game, and for a little while afterwards, the characters remain fun. Which just makes the rest of the game that much more disappointing. The beginning of the game makes the cast barely tolerable, so getting to the part where they become likable (at least for me) is a chore, and then even once they do become likable, the game’s greater plotline is such a meandering train wreck, that it makes you wish the cast had been used in something else.

  • Arquod

    Ah, Spoony. It’s always entertaining to watch you tear apart games
    like this. I don’t particularly remember having any hatred towards the
    game. Extreme irritation for the gameplay for sure, but the plot just
    made me go “meh”. Of course, FFXIII is nothing in comparison to Lost
    Odyssey, Tales of Vesperia or even Eternal Sonata, games who had
    enjoyable gameplay and a decent story. FFXIII-2 on the other
    hand…yeah that happened. We’ll pray for a merciful end should you
    give that one a go. Seriously, good luck with that. Also makes me wonder if you’ll cover the pissant HP nonsense they gave the bosses. Got to the point where I got to the final boss and, having never really understood the battle system,
    said “Fuck that,”, turning off the game. Very sad it took me that long
    to make that choice. Oh well, at least it was a rented game. Hand in
    there man.

  • GoggleCandy .

    To be honest, while I agree hitting Snow is fun, I wanted to tie down and beat Hope every 5 minutes.

    • theshamster

      I have to ask; does Snow ever take that hat (or even his coat) off?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100005169122646 Steven Williams

    Lol, Rikku edited into the Ragnarok cutscene.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jared-L-Gray-Hawk/100001276351589 Jared L. Gray Hawk

    The old Spoony is back.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=753345456 Octo Seven

      INB4 the next 4 months of videos are shitty vlogs.

    • Atmos_Duality

      We will see if this remains consistent.

  • Moon Spirit

    Now we got a running gag that I can get behind. When someone tells you that he doesn’t know, no matter what kind of question is asked, just get up to their face and be like:

    “You don’t know yet?” >:(

    • theshamster

      Imagine if Snow turned on Hope and said “If You’re Looking For Sympathy, You Can Find It In The Dictionary Between Shit And Syphilis, now fuck off!”

  • Moon Spirit

    I just thought of a wonderful loop for this. It goes “You don’t know yet?” And then it goes to “I’m not entirely sure.” And it replays from the beginning of that and goes on. Someone should make that.

  • http://sekiwat.deviantart.com/ sekiwat

    Is it just me or are these FFXIII reviews just not funny? It seems like Spoony is just beating a dead horse. FFVIII and FFX were funny partly because he was beating on games people like, but the consensus aIready agrees that XIII is bad.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=753345456 Octo Seven

      Some of the jokes are funny but it’s been so dragged out that I just don’t care anymore. I don’t want to watch a review of a shitty game over the space of a year, he takes too long to make scripted videos so there is no sense of continuity or flow between parts. It’s become a VLog site.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      If you’re a fan of XIII, then this review just simply hurts.

      • http://www.schadenfreudestudios.com/ Amesang

        I’m a fan of XIII, and I still find the reviews to be fun.

  • Regards

    Hey, good old new intro is back! I guess I was wrong about Dickman. From now on, I’ll be calling him Penisman.

  • http://twitter.com/Das_Bass Das_Bass

    That shotgun, banana joke. God damn’it Spoony. I was drinking soda!

  • likalaruku

    ::Headshakes:: Story & character development were always the most important thing for me in FF.

    You know, I half expected you to review “Final Fantasy: All the Bravest” for April Fools.

  • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

    The Old New intro is back. So Spoony made up with Andrew Dickman? Or was the whole “fight” just rumours to begin with?

  • RightousMan

    A good story needs to make some kind of sense, and these newer final
    fantasy games have none. Their stories are full of characters who make
    not one damn bit of sense; their character motivations are either
    retarded or pointless, The way they talk doesn’t really seem even
    remotely real, they are over romanticized in probably every way. The
    narrative of the storyline doesn’t have enough substance to even be
    remotely consistence within its own world. Square has become LAZY when
    it comes to delivering story lines, story arks, characters and games in
    general. It makes me sad to think that this game is a Final Fantasy
    Game, they have focused so much on the visuals and not on the story its
    fucking insulting. Do they even remember the stories of previous games? I
    mean for god sakes FF9 had a story that you could follow quite easily,
    and it made sense from a person living in that worlds perspective, like
    most of the FF games. Even despite the plot hole when a character dies
    via cinematic when normally you’d just phoenix down the character
    immediately though i give the earlier ones a break based on poor
    translations and what not, but still it just makes no sense why Square
    is just half-assing shit.

    • SeanMcTiernan

      You know, I actually realized what my issue with Squall was? He has no REASON to be emo out of the gate. I mean, think on it: Cloud and Cecil are both very emo characters, but we like them because we are given proper foundation for why. Cecil is basically the last good man left in Baron, watching his king fall to the dark side, as he himself becomes the darker for it. Cloud is the clone of a soldier, and watches Aeris die before him.

      What has Squall got? Well, he’s in the most elite academy on the planet, is one of the top two students at said academy, is a member of a special forces unit that protects the world, is handsome, popular, and has a hot teacher. Fucking smile, man! Your life is not that bad! Sure, bad stuff happens to him LATER, but that doesn’t excuse the emo-ness of the early game.

      • RightousMan

        Ha, I agree with ya. I never could really like Final Fantasy 8. I tried to play it because I had played all of the other FF’s up to that point and buying it was a no brainer. Any bad reviews of it I had heard were just from stupid people who didn’t like RPG’s, obviously. Well…. I was wrong about that, lol. Squall is just.. meh. And I’m not a fan of the plot line for that game either. It still blows my mind that they go from a game like 7 to 8. And then thankfully my hopes were restored when i played 9, which i loved. But right after 9 they went strait back to the things that i don’t like about newer JRPG’s.

  • ReloadXPsi

    Oh. My god. The Jeff Goldblum clip! I made the exact same joke when I attempted to play this boring shitfest of a miscarriage :P

  • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

    One thing that really p***ed me off is how much Square-Enix tried to promote Lightning in Dissdia 012

    -Makes her the leader alongside Warrior of Light. (Why?)
    -The main intro finished with her giving a badass pose. (Which Warrior of Light originally did)
    - At the start, Vaan and Laguna totally kiss her ass.
    – Laguna: Hey Light you should totally teach us your awesome moves.
    – Vaan: Light is so cool

    Luckily all the dialogue Tifa and Yuna have with her is general stuff, Kain doesn’t give a crap about her and sees her as just another member, because Kain is more badass than she’ll ever be. (He’s the most badass character in the game actually)

    I mean why all the spotlight on her? Heck Paine is more badass than her, but she was totally wasted in an underwhelming game that did not do her character justice.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      I liked Lightning in Duodecim, her “pairing” with Firion was cute, but yeah, giving the newbie the top spot, when Dissidia is all about recapturing how great the older characters are, felt like a bit of a snub. At least Kain got his due time in the spotlight, and was ultimately the hero of the game. Although, the game could have used a little more Celes, you ask me. :-P

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      To me, Lightning seems to be sent on a wild goose chase, only for the Warrior of Light to suddenly have the answers. If it helps, Lightning actually gets killed in the 12th cycle.

      • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

        Please don’t think I’m a heartless non-fan who didn’t care :’( I was in fact sadly moved when Lightning died. Along with the others.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          Sorry. I’m just too boiled up in the moment because it’s a new part of Spoony’s XIII review so expect me to jump to conclusions A LOT!

          I do like Kain and Tifa too. Jecht, Golbez, Exdeath, Kefka and Sephiroth are cool too. If I have to be honest, there are loads of characters I adore more than Lightning. I only played the demo of FFX and LOVE Auron. Sazh is fairly decent too because he’s the reasonable character. Auron and Sazh deserve to be in the next Dissidia.

          Lightning is nowhere near as entertaining as Captain Qwark.

    • GeekyDragonGirl

      Aw man, that annoyed me too. They pushed Lightning like crazy and Squeenix’s obvious favoritism toward their new poster child annoyed the crap out of me. I always found Lightning to be boring as a character and her play-style to be meh. I think she only became a leader because her game was newest. Though, to be honest, I actually find her a bit more tolerable in Dissidia than the actual game she came from so, yeah, there’s that. Maybe it was the writing or the lack of a frustrating game surrounding her, or both. *shrugs.*

      On a slightly different note IV is my favorite Final Fantasy, so seeing Kain, my favorite character being awesome was like having the greatest cake in the world paired with the best milkshake ever made.

  • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

    Why are the FF Protagonists that Square seems to focus the most on named after weather?

    Cloud, Squall, Lightning… Final Fantasy 15′s main Protagonist is going to be named Raine, or Cyclone, or Snowflake… Snowflake will still be more popular than Lightning because at least he/she will give us a breath of fresh air that Lightning is finished and over with.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

      I think it’s an attempt at symbolism gone wrong. It started with Terra in 6 and how she was supposedly of two worlds trying to fit into both. After that, they kinda got lazy with it. The only thing I can see with Cloud is that he has the personality of a Cloud (going so far as to co-opt someone else’s personality), Squall was supposed to be dark and troubled with a storm raging within him, but that “storm” turned out to be an emo-front. Even Tidus was named that in reference to the sun (like Yuna was the moon). My real hope for the series is that they try to go back to formula. Big expansive worlds, a magicite/materia based combat system (which was universally praised), coherent plots (even if they get cliched with it, they’re allowed to so long as it’s coherent at this point), and NO GODDAMN SEQUELS.

      • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

        Final Fantasy 4: The After Years, wasn’t bad. And I heard FF7: Crisis Core has a big fanbase (Because I know Zack has a large fanbase, and that being really the only game where he does anything, being only mentioned a couple times in 7)

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

          The main differences there is the cast of characters. In The After Years, you don’t get Cecil and Rosa. Kain has his own separate story, and most of the characters are the kids of the original cast, or adult versions of the younger ones – i.e. Palom and Porom. It made a big distinction between the stories. Cecil’s story was done. He got his happily ever after. This was Ceodore’s adventure. As for Crisis Core, it did something similar, though not entirely. Being a prequel, it didn’t have a lot of room to work, but did what it could with the room alotted.

          The romance between Zack and Aeris/Aerith was extremely well written, and Zack always came off as a genuinely likable goof. I think the hardest part for that was tying the story into FF7′s arc while still being it’s own thing, and to that effect they did build up Sephiroth as the definitive badass, but introduced Genesis and Angeal which were played off as sort of equals, each sharing a connection with Jenova but in a more unrefined form. Genesis and Angeal were essentially prototype Sephiroths and it worked. I’ll be the first to really rip on FF7 as being the most overrated of the franchise. But I absolutely loved Dirge of Cerberus and Crisis Core (more for the story than the actual gameplay), because it expanded on the sort of ‘failed attempts’ to make the perfect soldier, rather than having Sephiroth being the end-all be-all with nobody before or after. If anything, having these ‘failed attempts’ to create a perfect warrior made Sephiroth a more believable antagonist by comparison. He wasn’t just made perfect on the first try. He was the culmination of years of trial and error.

          Compare that to FFX-2 and FFXIII-2. Two direct sequels that feature the same cast for the most part. Lightning, Serah, Snow, Hope, all the major characters of 13 are heavily involved in 13-2 and in X-2, Yuna and Rikku really do nothing more than check up on how everyone else is doing and attempting to undo the one really poignant thing Tidus did in X. This is more of a personal thing, but if you’re going to have a character sacrifice themselves, it needs to have weight, and it needs to stick. I had the same complaint with FF9′s ending where it turns out Zidane survived instead of going out in a blaze of glory and being remembered as a hero, etc.

          • Atmos_Duality

            Crisis Core had a great characterization of Zack, and that is really so much more his story than Angeal, Cloud or Aeris/Aerith.

            Ironically, the weakest part of that entire story is the introduction of Genesis; it was painfully obvious that Squeenix wanted another Sephiroth, and they needed a defacto villain that could face SOLDIER and Sephiroth on their own terms.

            Angeal, I actually liked because he came across as being far more down to earth; he was a sensible mentor for Zack becoming an older brother of sorts, and you see how Zack assumes the same role for Cloud (which in turn makes Cloud’s identity crisis in FF7 more believable because Zack was everything Cloud wanted to be).

            Of course, the biggest failure in Crisis Core was the incredibly dull gameplay. They had the right idea of moving FF7 into a free-roam environment, but every fight degenerates into the same slap-n-heal fest.

            Though to be fair, they also were working with the PSP; one analog stick and two shoulder buttons = awkward 3D camera. I have no idea how they could have fixed that to be honest.

    • Aiddon

      Cloud was named due to how his character arc plays out with his past being very hazy and even he’s unsure of what he really is. Despite that symbolism, Cloud IS a legitimately interesting, three-dimensional character who has an interesting character arc. Furthermore they quickly establish his character of being a cynical, jade but ultimately decent man who also has a HUGE amount of personal issues that drive his character and his arc.

      The next two attempts to try and copy Cloud’s success just SUCKED, mostly because I think the people trying it forget that Cloud, while being a bit standoffish and having some (well-done) angst, was actually NOT very “emo” and could be REALLY funny and actually was established as having people he cared about really quickly. Squall was a just a boring ass, a self-insert for every insufferable, self-involved teenager who’s in that “I hate the world” phase. And Lightning is just as bad, being little more than an angry sociopath who’s a masturbatory fantasy for the writer.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Toriyama hates Lightning.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      What about Tidus and Noctis?

      • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

        I didn’t mean all protanganists just some of them. I also forgot Snow.

  • Renaissance_nerd

    Snow reminds me of Gren in Tobal no1, only Gren was awesome and Snow is a mattress stain too stupid to eat.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

    Y’know, I really wanted to like this game. Call it nostalgia blinders, but I have always loved the series. And, at first I gave the game a free pass. I waved off the auto-battle bs at first because the main battle mechanic (i.e. the whole l’cie thing) hadn’t been introduced. Then I waved off the hallways because the backgrounds were so pretty. Then I waved off the whole focus thing because I thought they were going for a “machine God works in mysterious ways” thing. But the more I waved off, the more I realized… I couldn’t excuse it.

    I kept coming back to my personal favorite FF game – 6 – and compared it. Each character was unique in gameplay and in story, the world was expansive and open even if it did mean there were places that really served no real purpose (talking random peninsulas and stuff on the overworld), and a story that didn’t have a really defined villain until about half-way in when it turned out what seemed like a minor character was now God of Destruction.

    I still really want to like the game, and yeah, I still see a lot of potential in the game. The paradigms were a nifty idea, allowing for a more strategic approach to a battle. …If you could control everyone in the party, had time to strategize your moves, and didn’t have to keep one specific character alive at all times. The story had potential, and I still like some of the characters and their development. Sazh, Vanille, Snow, and even Lightning had some interesting quirks to their characters. Vanille struggling with her kind-hearted nature against her now violent role as a l’cie, Sazh struggling with the separation from his son, Snow and Lightning being at odds over Serah, Lightning thinking he’s not good enough for her, and Snow’s desperate attempts to prove Lightning wrong all had potential for a good story. Too bad they kinda shit the bed in the execution.

    Also, I get that people get nicknames during military service, and I can see someone with a reputation for being precise, speedy, and ruthless being called “Lightning,” but why the Hell did they make that her presenting name!? Especially when you find out her real name is Claire! Just calling her Claire would’ve made her SO much more identifiable if you ask me.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      I imagine the real why Lightning hates Snow is because she thinks Serah is replacing her older sister with some guy who acts like he has it all figured out.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

        That would definitely be part of it, especially with the sisters being orphans and Lightning really raising Serah, and that would lend into why Lightning didn’t think Snow was worthy. But yeah, definitely.

  • Chris

    Okay, the Shiva bike thing makes the least sense I’ve ever heard of in a FF game!

    The main plot though doesn’t sound that bad to me; you’re branded and given some great power by some foreign entity but that makes the world fearful and people shun you. And to top it all off, you’ll degrade into becoming some monster if you don’t fulfill the purpose the foreign entity gives you, which you can only discover through dreams or visions and while everyone you travel with gets the same images, you have no sure way to know what it means or how to act and it splits the group.

    On top of it all, your entire interpretation of the dream/vision is marred by the politics of the world around you. Maybe the foreign entity isn’t evil just misunderstood. Maybe the monster-turning-into thing is just a fail-safe against you doing whatever you want with the power it gave you. But whatever the truth is, you will only see it one way or another because of the way you have been taught to view that foreign entity and those it marks.

    Seems to me that there is a pretty cool storyline and impressive plot possibilities buried under everything else that they did to try and make the game seem cooler, nevermind the miasma of mistakes.

    • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

      Random people gaining superpowers, being feared and exiled by the normals for something they never wanted in the first place? So in other words, Final Fantasy 13 is just a really crappy rip-off of X-Men

      • http://twitter.com/PersonaLibera Anima Libera

        Way to ignore everything he wrote.

        Try to look at things critically. I fucking hate when you people follow consensus so thoughtlessly.

        Final Fantasy XIII’s problem wasn’t the story. It was its way of integrating that story in a game design that does not work. The characters could be interesting, but the game makes no effort to flesh them out. The world and its politics could be shown and explained, but the game focuses more on their appearance from the outside than anything else.

        Who cares if it’s a “crappy rip-off of X-Men”? That’s a stupid notion. Everything is a rip-off of The Hero’s Journey. Who gives a shit? That’s not why it’s bad.

        • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

          I never said that was the problem, I was just trying to be observant.

      • Chris

        Only if you honestly believe X-men was the first property to ever have that idea in the history of ever.

        • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

          I don’t.

          • Chris

            lol

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

      I always thought of 13 as a diamond in the rough. A fundamentally good idea, just buried under crap. The whole vague visions thing can be done, and has been in the original Mass Effect. All the information was there in Shepard’s vision, just scrambled and needed to be untangled. This just kind of took the initial idea and forgot the execution. On paper the game could sound extremely good. The plot points have potential, the characters have interesting back stories, but where the game fell flat on its face was the execution.

      • Chris

        Sounds about right. Shame though. I hate looking at something like this and seeing the potential of all that they could have done but didn’t. Hopefully, all the expansions they’re releasing are just a way to buy time to work on a new FF. Either they need a better team or more planning time. Good ideas when gone over again and again can lead to you spotting the diamond in the rough and refocusing to take it into account. From everything here and in Marzgurl’s video, it seems as though they didn’t give it proper time.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

          What Squenix NEEDS to do is get the guys that made Mist Walker back. I don’t know what happened to cause the split, but it needs to be rectified. Blue Dragon and Lost Odyssey were better FF games than FFX, FF13, and their respective sequels combined.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            Even if Square admitted Sakaguchi could’ve done better, Sakaguchi would never return to the company, not even as a freelancer.

            Blue Dragon looks awful.

          • Chris

            That’s because they were made by the guy who started it all and scored by the original FF music front-runner. There is a wistfulness that they both capture so well, but I doubt that they’ll ever rejoin SE, I just hope they continue to make games.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

    Marzgurl and JoshKnight speculated on why Square is pushing Lightning so much, and they came up with the theory that maybe part of it is Square trying to save face, regain their “honor” after FFXIII proved to be a disaster. It was the first FFXIII to really outright fail, and it may just Square feels the need to make up for it by trying to prove the sub-series can be better.

    By this point, we really should be seeing at least some information in regards to a Final Fantasy XV in development, not be worried about sequels to XIII or revamps of XIV.

    Also, I think part of this is just Square’s tendency now to try and turn every game into a whole series unto itself. Ever since FFX got it’s sequel in X-2, now every numbered FF since can’t just be one game. It’s needs to have sequels, spin-offs, etc. And make every new character a spotlight one so it’ll grind into the customers brains that they are relevant. It’s very much how comic books try and work new characters in. Lot of fan fare and fervor when they want it to be a big name, lot of pushing characters into new mini-series and cameos, but at the end of the day, if the character is a flashpan, then that won’t change.

    While cameos are nothing new in video games, look even at how the cast of FFXII got shunted into new material: a DS spin-off, major cameos and guest spots in the FFTactics games, frontline exposure to all those board/card game spin-offs. Then FFXIII comes along, and it’s the same thing.

    Kind of losing my train of thought here, but I think basically what I’m saying is that it’s not so much the Square loves the Lightning character, but that their direction when it comes to selling their games is to over-market the crap out of the latest FF cast.

    On the one hand, part of me thinks that if they are going to keep doing this expansion stuff, they should go back and do it for the earlier games too. They already milked VII and IV about as much as they could, where’s my FFVI sequel and remake and so on?

    But then, part of me is kind of glad they haven’t gone back and tried to milk FFVI. For me that one is still the best, and I’d rather it stay “pristine” in it’s single game status. If any game is likely so suffer, rather than benefit, from needless sequels and spin-offs, it’d be that one.

    I guess when you get down to it, Dissidia is all you really need as a love letter to the older games, and should probably stay that way.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

      Also, say what you will about the goofiness of the summons, at first I thought they were stupid, too, but I kind of like how they were done. This is probably the most technologically advanced FF yet, so having the summons be some kind of techno-magic beasts lends itself to the theme. And while it may be silly, them being Transformer monsters of this particular style is pretty unique to the series.

      (Yes, there’s been Transforming summons before, but they didn’t use this summon/summoner gestalt mechanic.)

      • http://www.facebook.com/adecaire1 Andrew DeCaire

        I give Final Fantasy 12 credit. At least almost all their summons were original. Well, many of them were brought over from the Tactics games. But still. It was kind of refreshing to have a game without Shiva, Ramuh, Ifrit, Bahamut for a change. Which were pushed aside as names for the Airships.

        • http://twitter.com/PersonaLibera Anima Libera

          Who cares about “originality”? Summons were useless in Final Fantasy XII. Building an entire mechanic that is unnecessary and nobody will ever bother to use is a stupid game design decision.

          They were well designed, but unfortunately, I could never bring myself to care.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

            Please tell me you’re joking. The summons in 12 were practically a necessity at some points. If for no other reason than allowing you to shield 2/3 of your party from devastating attacks. And when timed right, they could be damn devastating in their own right. Especially Zeromus, Exodus, and Chaos. Ironically the only summons to also be end bosses in other FF games.

            (Also, I’m not trying to be a jerk or anything. Half that is sarcasm essentially agreeing with you. Though I did think Zeromus, Exodus, and Chaos were the only really worth-while summons.)

        • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

          Yeah, I did like that they expanded on the Tactics demon pantheon with XII. An usual, but interesting mythology.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Am I the only one who thinks Square DOESN’T care about Lightning? They seemed more concerned for token ditzy moe and cutesy mascots like Vanille, Serah and Mog, characters that usually get the most screentime.

      • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

        That was kind of what I was saying, it’s not that Square cares about Lightning, so much as they push her because she’s the face of FFXIII, and they want to prove that XIII was a success. Hence they’re kind of shoving her in your face. Some of that could also just be riding the “hot chicks who kick ass” trope which is all the rage these days.

        At least in the West, I see a lot less of Mog and Vanille exposure, so maybe that’s more in the Japanese market?

        Speaking of Mog, I hate how every FF seems to make Mogs look more and more like weird living balloon animals. At least Tactics/XII made them look more like actual animals again.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          If Square is so concerned about having Lightning as the face of XIII, THEN WHY DIDN’T THEY MAKE HER THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!? Why show off a trailer of a cool action and then decide the change the protagonist during development? The original trailer was promising enough. The game didn’t need fal’Cie, l’Cie or Gran Pulse. It could’ve just been a fantasy sci-fi about civil war for magic or something.

          Square-Enix must hate and despise action-oriented independent females with a burning passion but they love money more.

          • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

            You know, thinking on it, I don’t really think this game had a main character. Really, we follow all six characters fairly evenly (maybe Fang less just due to lesser screen time), and all have an equal stake in the events of the story. I guess Lightning was the most stand out character visually, being the token Cloud character and a chick,

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            While I think this is utter bullshit what Square did. Just reboot XIII and make Lightning the main character, drop Vanille, make Snow the villain and write in exposition into cutscenes.

          • Atmos_Duality

            It would help if they added some gameplay. Instead of that mindless semi-automated slap fight that plays between cutscenes and jogging.

    • doresh

      It’s weird seeing Square-Enix try so hard to have the subseries be a success – especially after they turned Agito and Versus (originally supposed to be part of the same universe as XIII – whatever the hell that was supposed to mean) into standalone titles. Why not leave XIII entirely behind?

      They should’ve really learned their lesson after they milked VII for everything it’s worth.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

      I really found it ironic that they’re pushing Lightning so much, when Vanille was supposed to be the original lead. One would think that when 13 just flopped, they would want to kind of put a new face on it in the sub-series. Personally, I think Vanille’s weapon type would be much more conducive to a game like Dissidia than Lighting’s already over-done sword/gun.

      That said, I really would like to see 6 get a remake, but only if they kept all the original dialogue and the like and not try to update the language to a more ‘modern’ vernacular. As for a sequel, I don’t see it happening. The story was very clear that with Kefka’s death, magic went kaput. I do think a prequel would have possibility. Possibly expanding on Leo’s history, Kefka’s descent into madness, and the overall slow shift in the Empire’s motives of ‘promoting unity’ to pure land-grabbing greed, maybe ending with a Crisis Core-esque battle where you control Leo battling an onslaught of Imperial soldiers under Kefka’s command, dodging Kefka’s magic and ultimately confronting him only to have him stab you in the back and dance on your grave. THAT would have potential, imo.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Vanille shouldn’t be the lead in the first place, she deserves to get her spine ripped out by Sub-Zero.

        If Square was so determined to have Lightning the cover, WHY DIDN’T THEY MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

  • L1nk1

    I love “the Shiva sisters motorcycle” it’s so bad

  • shannon windley

    The really sad part is there is a good and thought provoking story buried in here, it just needed a bit more rewrites, or its a script loaf of 3 separate ideas that don’t jell together.

    But instead of rewriting it they designed a game around the shitty story and we have the amazing hallway game.

  • GiftoftheMagi

    JRPGs…very little is worse than them. Terrible, nonsense writing, reinforced stereotypes, fan service and highly linear game play, JRPGs rank among some of my least favorite video games. Unfortunately, Japan LOVES stereotypes…they actually prefer them to original characters…going so far as to have specific criteria and terms for each ones and tank games, anime and such as to how closely they follow it (the closer, the better).

    Google “Gagumo” sometimes. Yes, Japan does blackface. A lot. And they love it.

    Oddly, this game is quite successful in Japan. Why? The soundtrack sells well. I’m not kidding.

    Oh and on a side note…anyone else notice Spoony used his Dickman title sequence again? Has things calmed down?

    • http://twitter.com/PersonaLibera Anima Libera

      I can’t stress enough how much you haven’t played any good JRPGs.

      No. Seriously. Just, in the first sentence, I had already checked out. Your opinion is so cookie-cutter, “Kotaku” bullshit, it’s not even funny. FFXIII? FFXIII is horrible. This is NOT every JRPG ever made, by no means and stretch of the imagination; this, my friend, is a stereotype. And you’re making it.

      Please, go play some good JRPGs. You blatantly have no experience and just want to be heard giving an uninformed opinion.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cody-Ward/100001744038901 Cody Ward

        I recommend Lost Odyssey. I really think of it as more of a true FF13 than this game ever could be.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          The grinding and save points in that game is utter balls. My disc crashed when I fought an army after beating two powerful worms. I can’t even know who’s turn to fight until I input all character commands. Aside that all this shit… I actually like the game so far.

      • GiftoftheMagi

        So…if you know of any ‘good’ JRPG’s, perhaps you can recommend one rather than ranting at me about it…otherwise you’re about as much a stereotype as you claim I am. I’ve played about…20-25 now I think in the last 5 years (it’s good to have a local friend that is also a game developer)? JRPGs in the last 5 years…and they all hit the same notes and characters. Even the designs are so similar it’s getting harder to tell them apart.

        And..if you checked out, why did you bother to comment? If you ‘checked out’ then you didn’t read the rest…which makes your comment a bit less substantial. I say, and stand by my comment that JRPGs in my opinion rank among the worst video games have to offer today. Design, story, look, characters, gameplay…the genre’ is stale as hell and makes very little sense beyond its own market (i.e. Japan). Here in Thailand, they barely make a dent in the market anymore, with Korea and China dominating (Korea is actually worse, but trying to improve).

        So please…next time…if you disagree with my opinion, that’s fine..but calling me uninformed, cookie-cutter or taking a very limited view of my opinion (you DID note I never said ‘all’ didn’t you?) without backing it up or making counter-claims or opinions is displaying a rather dick-ish attitude toward other people that simply do NOT agree with you…which lowers any impact your comment could potentially have.

        • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

          Well, I don’t know about the person you’re replying to, but some of my favorite JRPGs:

          Radiata Stories: Word of warning, it looks like a silly kids game. And sometimes, it even feels like a silly kids game. Most of the time it’s making fun of JRPG stereotypes, but when the plot gets serious, goddamn does it get serious. Bonus points for not forcing the main character down one linear path, and showing the strengths and weaknesses of the philosophies of both the antagonists and the protagonists.

          Valkyrie Profile: Tired of playing the “country boy who becomes a hero and saves the world”? Here’s the game for you. Instead, play as a strong female valkyrie collecting the souls of the dead, and sending them to Valhalla to train as warriors, because Ragnarok is swiftly approaching. Of course, being a JPRG, there’s a deeper story behind the main character, but it’s technically all optional. Downsides of game, however, include the awful, awful voice acting and the difficulty of obtaining all the story bits without a guide. The second game is also fun, even if it’s impossible to decide whether or not it’s a sequel or a prequel.

          Persona 4: I think some other people have suggested this, so all I have to say is just play it. :)

          Xenosaga: …Okay, this one falls victim to a lot of JRPG tropes. The plot is nonsensical. The characters range from awesome to stereotype to “I want to kill this idiot”. There’s a ton of Judeo-Christian references thrown about for no real reason. The combat system in the second game sucks balls. But the times when the games hit some good character moments, it can be downright touching. Love it or hate it pretty much defines most peoples’ reactions to this series, but you should at least experience it and decide for yourself.

          Resonance of Fate: This one falls victim to a lot of the same complaints that can be made against Xenosaga. However, the world and the (occasionally infuriating) combat system makes up for it, though.

        • GameCguru

          ignoring Anima for a sec, A couple good JRPGs I can recommend are Tales of the Abyss and Tales of Vesperia They both have interesting stories, battle systems, and Characters.And if you like those two I can also recommend Tales of Symphonia and Skies of Arcadia.

    • doresh

      +1 to what Anima said.

      Sure, there are quite a few JRPGs with forgettable plot and one-dimensional characters – but that’s to be expected from such a popular genre (because popularity is likely to creat cheap cash-in products). But there are still gems to be found.

      By all means, check out Persona 3 and/or 4. These games take those stereotypes and curbstomp them.

      • GiftoftheMagi

        Now THIS is a reply that I can respect. Persona 3…was ok. Not a fav but ok. I agree that it was an improvement over the stereotypes mentioned even if some still seem to persist. I have not had a chance to play Persona 4 due to the very recent birth of my daughter, but maybe in a few months I can check it out.

        • doresh

          I’m sure you’ll appreciate Persona 4 even more. They tackle quite a bit more stereotypes, and the rural setting is a huge plus (instead of a dorm, your character is now living with two relatives – both of which WILL grow on you).

          Oh, and best wishes for the daughter :D !

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ivan-Dimitrov/100002011142935 Ivan Dimitrov

    you, my friend, are hilarious!

  • zanmaru

    Another Smells Like Teen Spirit remix? Let the guy rest in peace, man.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=16903771 Jon Garling

    This review had me in tears of laughter. The section from 16 mins to 19 mins is an absolute riot.

  • Aiddon

    It always amazes me at how bad of a writer Motomu Toriyama is. He has zero idea of how to do exposition or reinforcing character traits. If he wanted to get rid of the disconnect between Snow fighting people with his bare fists then just have a brief cutscene where, I dunno, Snow takes out a tank and every soldier just goes “oh shit” when he does it. A dude so badass that he can take on armed soldiers with his bare hands is a common archetype in Japanese fiction, but you still have to establish it in story.

    Toriyama is like one of those writers that has nothing but contempt for his audience. He only writes for himself and despises that the audience gets in his way of just masturbating to what he believes is some sort of opus. Writers who think of something as a hobby instead of a profession are just irritating most of the time.

    • http://twitter.com/PersonaLibera Anima Libera

      So, you want writers to write for the audience? Do you… realise how stupid that is, like at all?

      Writing isn’t a regular profession. Nobody who creates will ever truthfully be able to tell you they have a normal job — I’m a musician; I do not. It’s not like that. He can’t write for you, and most importantly, he should NOT write for you. If he isn’t safe with his own work, he shouldn’t be writing for Square Enix to begin with. Writers should never lose full control of the creative process of their work, and they should never submit their skills to people who have no idea over what should be done — half the people out there would yell “PUT SEPHIROTH IN IT”, the other half would ask for “big-ass swords”. The common customer has no idea what a good narrative is, and what composes it. You can’t please everyone, so you have to remain true to your own vision, and try to sell what you can do.

      Is he a terrible writer? No, he isn’t. The way the game presented his writing is terrible.

      • Aiddon

        He also directed the game. Which means THAT’S how he chose to present it. Which basically means he’s not only a bad writer, he’s a bad director. Every game this guy writes is terrible and they range from just silly (FFX-2) to downright offensive (The 3rd Birthday) and he shows no signs of actually improving. He’s the very definition of a talentless hack.

        As for the “writers should do whatever they want and do it for themselves!” let me tell you a little secret: that’s the biggest lie ever perpetuated. If you have no audience, then why the HELL are you writing? Art that is not seen by anyone else is meaningless. At the end of the day, a writer is trying to convince someone to experience what he made. And if nobody sees it or cares then he failed in his objective.

        • Brad Duke

          So everything someone writes should be focus grouped? And the writer should just give up his artistic vision to what the focus group says? You would do well in Hollywood.

          • doresh

            There is artistic vision, and then there’s failing at basic storytelling.

          • Aiddon

            More like the writers that rant about “artistic vision” are the ones least qualified to spout about it. Sure, you can do what you want, but don’t expect people to just believe the stuff you make is good. Often the worst writing is by self-important artists who believe they’re doing greatness, such as when Michael Cimino made Heaven’s Gate or Francis Ford Coppola made One From the Heart.

          • Brad Duke

            And if a writer makes something that’s not good people won’t buy it (or will buy it and mock it endlessly). It doesn’t mean they should be writing for an audience. All you can do as a writer is write what you like and hope others like it. That’s the thing we like to call “art”.

          • Aiddon

            again, that’s just another lie perpetuated by hacks to make themselves feel better for being bad at their jobs. If you are writing, you WANT other people to see it. Those that write for themselves are often the WORST writers around and the least talented. If you can’t convince your audience that you’re worth their time you have failed as an artist.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          X-2 is offensive in it’s own right. I rather CLEVER light-hearted humor.

          Toriyama was also behind Mindjack, an original IP and Front Mission Evolved, the newest installment of the Front Mission series. Both games were poorly received.

          I’m surprised someone didn’t kill Toriyama in his sleep.

          • Atmos_Duality

            ….Wait.
            Toriyama was responsible for Mindjack, The 3rd Birthday AND Front Mission Evolved??!
            …Oh, you should not have told me that.

            On an unrelated note, I feel like I need to take a trip to Japan.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      How bad is it when Motomu Toriyama even pisses off the likes of me, a fan of Final Fantasy XIII? What does it when even XIII-fans hate his guts?

      Toriyama: I must give Lightning a happy ending in XIII-2, I’m gonna kill her sister.

      Toriyama: I must give Lightning a happy ending in Lightning Returns? I’ll insert myself, make Lightning like Samus in Other M, ignore the fate of the rest of the cast, screw my own continuity and have sex with a broken Lightning. How can I possibly go wrong? My dad is George Lucas for goodness sake!

  • MrRuse

    Between the voice actress and not knowing what the fuck to do, Lightning really reminds me of Liara T’Soni. So I suggest fixing this stuff the same way Mass Effect was solved: let Commander Shepard punch the shit out of ancient incomprehensible machine-gods. Then fire a red/green/blue laser and everything is fixed in a shitty ending.

    • doresh

      And then have the whole internet bicker about whether the ending was really shitty or genius.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Lightning and Liara DO have the same voice actress.

      I’ve lost faith in Commander Shepard nearly a year now since he obeyed that Catalyst kid like a dog. At least Lightning and the rest actually told the fal’Cie to fuck off, kill them and survived it all. Sure, XIII’s ending made no sense but ME3′s ending is significantly worse in many ways.

      • theshamster

        With the extended ending, you can tell the catalyst to fuck off (or you can even shoot it) but this causes the bad ending to occur.
        Heck, I’d shoot it anyhow, then open fire on all of the electronics around me; if we’re going down, we might as well make it spectacular!

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

          The fourth didn’t feel spectacular. Everyone dies off-screen.

        • SeanMcTiernan

          Except for the fact that it’s not the clear “This is bullshit! you’re completely and utterly wrong!” option we should have had. I would’ve been like, “You see those Geth waships out there? You know, the ones protecting the Krogan advance? Or, ooh, hey, how about I bring EDI on board, and you can tell her how she wants to kill all organics? So let me get your reasoning straight: you’re going to burn down our house, because we might theoretically set fire to it one day.”

    • rvb1023

      Replace Commander Shepard with Fang/Vanille and red/green/blue laser with magic crystals and that pretty much is the ending, albeit without a say in the matter and the sequel creates even more problems out of this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/paul.simmons.73932 Paul Simmons

    Dear Spoony,
    I love you. Keep up the fantastic work! Really, why didn’t the Sanctum just force strip search people for the brands? Obviously the head honchos behind the purge have never seen Lords of Magick.
    Love,
    That one guy who liked 13 and also knows it’s stupid as fuck and a terrible game.

  • Guest

    Gotta say, had some trouble enjoying this review because the audio levels were completely screwed up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/KyonKun Kurt Penman

    I can’t believe Spoony didn’t make the Kentucky fired movie reference with the alarm sludge things.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt_f7bR5Rt0

  • Malidictus

    The more I watch these videos, the more appalled I am at Lightning’s voice actress. The character has a cool costume, interesting design and a strangely functional-seeming weapon, but her voice actress “emotes” everything like she’s narrating her tax return. You couldn’t get as flat a tone of voice if you tried. I don’t know if that’s the acting direction she was given – you know, act like you’re an inanimate object – or if she just plain sucks, but good GOD that character just comes off dead. I still like her for punching Snow, but there’s only so far that that can go.

    I made the mistake of watching TotalBiscuit’s WTF is Final Fantasy XIII-2, and that opening cinematic featuring some bizarro future with her was enough to bore me to tears despite the incomprehensible flying horse shootout action.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      When does acting cool and uncaring equal sound like a robot? Lightning’s VA is Ali Hillis, the voice of Liara from Mass Effect. I think Light’s VA does like voicing the character otherwise she wouldn’t have appeared in conventions with Snow’s VA (Troy Baker) to answer questions, sign autographs and their photos taking with FFXIII cosplayers.

      What’s your opinion on JC Denton’s voice?

    • Aiddon

      I’m gonna put it to the script just being that bad. Like she was AWESOME as Palutena in Kid Icarus: Uprising. But Lightning is just such a bad character it’s difficult to make a performance worth a damn

    • http://twitter.com/PersonaLibera Anima Libera

      It was a very conscious acting decision. The same voice actress voiced Liara in the Mass Effect games, and she did so conveying the right amount of emotion.

      The issue, I believe, is that Lightning’s japanese voice is meant to be very somber and deliberate, and that sort of speech pattern doesn’t translate well into English — my native tongue is Portuguese, and it works just fine if you read the lines in the same exact tone. English is very melodic, and has a lot of emphasis because of syntax. Japanese is a much more methodical language, and people with a much more closed personality speaking Japanese usually decide not to be very melodic, as the very pronounced syllables being emphasised with emotion would show hesitation or surprise.

      She does a great job in the parts where Lightning is meant to show emotions.

      I see a lot of people judging Final Fantasy XIII through reviews that deliberately pick-and-choose the worst parts to explain how bad it is. Like the part in this review when Spoony is showing how people fear the L’Cie because they were fed propaganda, and can’t comprehend Magic or its implications, and as such, have evolved socially to segregate them — this is an aspect that has never been explored that well in other Final Fantasy titles; everyone seemingly accepts magic with open arms, and nobody questions its basis, its roots. Now, don’t get me wrong here; Final Fantasy XIII is a piece of shit compared to older titles. But it isn’t as bad as reviewers make it out to be. There are a few things that are salvageable, and that would definitely work well with a better writer, and a better development team altogether.

      • Malidictus

        She played Liara? Well, that explains why I dislike her performance, then. I HATED Liara’s performance in Mass Effect for much the same reason. It’s flat, monotone and drab. At first I thought this was supposed to imply she was lying and was secretly a spy for Saren, but no. Turns out she was legit, and I was supposed to buy her performance, and I just didn’t. This is even worse in Mass Effect 3 where she’s supposed to have these huge emotional scenes over the Asari and the Protean Beacon, but she delivers them in a very Willy Wonka “Oh, no. This is terrible. I can’t believe the horror I am seeing.”

        Maybe it’s just me, but I simply don’t buy the actress, herself. Even in Mass Effect, I found her static and unemotional. Hell, both Legion and Edi emoted more than her, and they were supposed to be robots. I guess that at least puts my feelings in perspective.

        • Aiddon

          see her as Palutena in the latest Kid Icarus. She’s AWESOME in that part.

  • erni79

    I havent played XIII and this is my almost my only source on the story going this deep.

    So excuse me if my point of view is skewed a little ;)

    This
    narrative is told, like if you have heard a story when you were a
    little child, about 40 years ago, dont remeber a thing apart from some
    very general ideas, and then try to not only cobble together the plot,
    but also try to make it epic and meaningful.

    By which I mean, did the writer/s actually have any idea on what plot he/they were writing while they were doing it?

    The
    whole thing with so much being explained in text outside the gameplay,
    just makes it seem taht this was written as they went along.

    hm,,,

    anyaway every epsode of this makes me more confused :D but i love them ^^

  • Salculd

    They really ought to get the Ultimate Warrior in here. Surely, as a master of getting foked, he’d be able to clear up their objective pretty succintly.

    Wait, what if the Ultimate Warrior IS a l’cie?

    • Atmos_Duality

      Nah, that’d be too rational.

  • http://www.facebook.com/michael.marshall.94849 Michael Marshall

    FF13 is, out of the entire series, the game where I think the plot was butchered the most. Not the one with the worst plot (that goes to X-2), but the one that fucked up what it had the worst.

    They could have done so much here. The whole unknowable quest thing? That is literally the relationship people have in the real world with their chosen form of spirituality. They are literally ripping from Christian philosophy here, and instead of even touching on the infinite possibilities, they just make it stupid.

    Few games show what’s wrong with modern JRPGs as well as this one. Gameplay sacrificed for fidelity, aesthetics stylish to the point of absurdity, high concept plot that the writers are in no way competent enough to write, and a head so far up it’s own ass that it can see daylight.

  • J.G. te Molder

    Is it just me, or does anyone else have a problem with the FFXIII part 3 review not being present, and all the other videos have moved up a position to high?

    PS: It seems this is only the front page; the video here is the FFXIII part 3 review.

  • Dan Schuett

    Look on the bright side Spoony, at least Hope looked a little hurt after the fall. That’s something right?

  • http://www.facebook.com/jakob.bank.9 Jakob Bank

    You were “with a pulley in the middle” away from the best George Lucas related Pun in history. So CLOSE!

  • http://www.facebook.com/aaron.milroy.7 Aaron Milroy

    You know one thing i could never
    get out of my head about this game? Its story basically involves a technologically
    advanced, arguably complacent and stagnant society with a leader who goes on
    about what the gods want him to do is being threatened by terrorists from a
    less technologically advance society on behalf of their gods, who hate each
    other but are pretty much indistinguishable. Now where have i heard that
    before? Yeah if this an attempt at making a comment one the political and religious
    tensions between the Western World and the Middle East, then take some advice
    and know ha the hell you are trying to talking about! Seriously im surprised in
    this paranoid world i haven’t heard others mention this comparison.

  • http://www.facebook.com/david.bell.714655 David Bell

    Ya know honestly in this game I was just like, this is a giant what the fuck. The second one was even worse, I’ve heard they plan to make something for Lighting like a game to explain things or some shit. But after playing this game and it’s sequel I can’t take that. I hate to say it Spoony my main man. But Final Fantasy Ten and Ten Two are looking to be master pieces in comparison

  • http://twitter.com/koel700 KoeL

    Spoony’s reaction is gonna be the stuff of legends when he realizes that the small magical spheres they throw from their hands will take down a flying destoyer with massive cannons and artilary …LoL

  • FlippedOmega

    Just found this; it’s Japan’s poll on the most popular Female characters in Final Fantasy

    1st: Lightning

    2nd: Aerith

    3rd: Yuna

    4th: Tifa

    5th: Celes

    6th: Tina

    7th: Serah

    8th: Garnet

    9th: Faris

    1oth: Renoa

    • J.G. te Molder

      Is that “most popular”, or “hottest”? ‘Cause Lightning may be a sack of shit character, but damn is she hot.

      • FlippedOmega

        I think if it was a “hottest” list then Tifa probably would have made number 1 and Yuna would be lower.

        Personally I have no problem with Lightning. I would gladly pick her as a main character over Tidus or Squall any day.

        • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

          I dunno about Yuna being lower. Never underestimate the power of a tight ass in short-shorts.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

            I do underestimate Yuna because she seems to act like a retard in X-2.

          • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

            Ha. Fair enough. At least she wasn’t as bad as Rikku.

          • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

            Least she wasn’t as bad as Rikku. Good god, that girl. It must be some anime trope that once a character hits their teen years, their brain’s level of maturity is the inverse of their body’s development.

    • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

      Faris is awesome. She should be higher on the list.
      Very surprised Lightning is so high up there, though. O.o I mean, I like her well enough, but I’d never have seen her as #1 material on any sort of favorites list.

  • Zero Tiamat

    Yeah, it doesnt make you do tedious stuff, thats right… on the other hand, it doesnt let you do anything at all.^^
    Combat is just hitting the X-Button until its over, leveldesign consists of hallways with next to no branches, there arent even sidequests until more than halfway through the game…
    Though, XIII really isnt as bad as it gets, considering FF-XI,XII and XIV…

    • FlippedOmega

      Gameplay-wise I guess it’s just down to whether you rather deal with over-complicated busy work or a lack of complexity.

      I still think the writing and characters for FFX and X-2 are way worse than XIII.

      • Zero Tiamat

        A fair point, I would pick the cast of XIII over X’s anytime, except for Auron that is. And X-2, yeah… that game was like what a 5 year old girl would imagine with her dolls, that is, if said 5-year old was REALLY into fanservice.
        Its a shame, because the battle-system in both X and X-2 was really damn good.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001000782571 Brogan Cordova

    Yay, new one! Just as I was starting to wonder when it was. Good timing.

  • nick palladino

    Dunno for sure since I haven’t played the game but the plot seems a bit Lovecraftian. It seems quite in the spirit of Call of Cthulhu actually. An extradimensional god being communicating through dreams with sensitive folks (i.e. artists or lovers) and compelling them to do something. Their motives are unclear and they don’t explicitly communicate them. And hell you mentioned one of those Fal’Cie getting punked by some army, remember in Call of Cthulhu when the ship rammed Cthulhu he was damaged but he reformed. It actually sounds like a real Lovecraft story instead of some of the stuff he inspired like Derleth prescribing morals/hierarchy to the mythos. So personally actually the story as you tell it seems a bit interesting to me. Although again I haven’t played it so I wouldn’t know.

    Also your complaints about the fight with Shiva could also be raised against Cecil’s transformation into a paladin in FF4. Or it might even be a reference to that fight.

    • Guest

      There IS a bit of a Lovecraft element to it, but I severely doubt that it was intended and if it was, well it was buried in the flashy nonsensical miasma that is the story. The thing that pisses me off the most about Final Fantasy XIII is that it has elements of a good game , but the writing is so painfully bad that it completely wastes all of it. There are interesting elements and some interesting characters, but they are either woefully underdeveloped, ignored, or completely changed into something stereotypical by the end. There is a good game in there, but needed a better writer to bring it out.

      The problem with the comparison is that Cecil’s paladin trial was that you’re comparing a tutorial to an character moment. Cecil was fighting his own inner darkness, the embodiment of the sins he committed as a dark knight, and by taking the hits he’s paying penance for all the things he did, like killing all those mages in the beginning. It’s about accepting responsibility and becoming a better person, a paladin can heal as well as fight rather than a Dark Knight who can only destroy. If the Shiva battle was put in as a reference to that, then it was a rather stupid reference. Snow doesn’t have nearly as much character development by this point and the Shiva sisters don’t represent anything like Dark Knight Cecil or a Persona battle. It’s just a badly explained tutorial battle.

      • GeekyDragonGirl

        For some reason it posted my reply twice, once as myself and once as a guest, weird.

    • GeekyDragonGirl

      There IS a bit of a Lovecraft element to it, but I severely doubt that it was intended and if it was, well it was buried in the flashy nonsensical miasma that is the story. The thing that pisses me off the most about Final Fantasy XIII is that it has elements of a good game , but the writing is so painfully bad that it completely wastes all of it. There are interesting elements and some interesting characters, but they are either woefully underdeveloped, ignored, or completely changed into something stereotypical by the end. There is a good game in there, but they needed a better writer to bring it out.

      The problem with your comparison to Cecil’s paladin trial was that you’re comparing a tutorial to an important character moment. Cecil was fighting his own inner darkness, the embodiment of the sins he committed as a dark knight, and by taking the hits he’s paying penance for all the things he did, like killing all those mages in the beginning and the massacre of the summoners. It’s about accepting responsibility and becoming a better person, a paladin that can heal as well as fight rather than a Dark Knight who can only
      destroy. If the Shiva battle was put in as a reference to that, then it was a rather stupid reference. Snow doesn’t have nearly as much character development by this point and the Shiva sisters don’t represent anything like Dark Knight Cecil or a Persona battle. It’s just a badly explained tutorial battle.

      • lastsigma

        Did you know that you can beat Cecil’s shadow in the SNES version? It isn’t easy and you have to get lucky on the damage. But I do it to prove Cecil hasn’t learned a goddamn thing.

  • FlippedOmega

    Since I posted Japan’s top female characters, here’s the guys

    1st: Zack (VII)

    2nd: Cloud

    3rd: Zidane

    4th: Tidus (WTF)

    5th: Squall

    6th: Bartz

    7th: Kain

    8th: Sephiroth

    9th: Cecil

    10th: Vincent

    At least Snow was nowhere on the list but I’m pissed that Auron came in 16th; behind Laguna at 15th.

    • lastsigma

      This is a list of the top female characters?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Japan’s most popular characters, Lightning and Zack, are actually married or at least the ones who voice the two.

    • Garmrspor

      Well, I’m glad Kain and Cecil are on there, I guess.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.owens.5872 Jeremy Owens

      How in the hell does Auron not make the top 10? Or Basch?

      They could at the very least have replaced Squall and Vincent. That list makes me sad. =/

  • Spectr

    Part 4 in four months?

  • endplanets

    One thing I still don’t get is why people try to fulfill their Focus. I get that you turn into a zombie, but that is not as bad as killing a bunch of people. Especially when your reward sucks so bad. And especially when the buy who branded you is an evil Pulse Fal’Cie and ESPECIALLY when it requires you to kill a bunch of soldiers, something that Lightning (a former soldier) should be against.

    It would be like if the Taliban put an explosive collar on me and told me to dump Anthrax in the White House and kill my family if they get in my way. Nooooo. I would just grab my gameboy and walk into the woods.

    Only a cartoonishly evil bastard would try to fulfill their Focus. The main characters are evil villains at this point.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Sometimes I wish Lightning was a villain protagonist. Fuck all that miracle-making bullshit, I wanna force enemies to dig their graves before-Oh dear fuck, what am I saying? Have I become so cynical, that I can’t even look at a character something dumb without wishing the character to be being severely beaten to death?

    • http://www.facebook.com/joana.eme Joana Eme

      If they turn into the techno-zombie, they’ll lose all of their humanity, so they would still end up killing a lot of people, until they become angsting stones.
      If they turn into crystal, their body is frozen, but the soul lives on, and they can have a tiny bit of peace.
      So, yeah, no good options, it’s just a matter of choosing the least sucky one.

      • http://twitter.com/lurkeriatipsos Mary Sulkowski

        I dunno. The most heroic option would probably be to kill oneself and then have a non-branded friend cremate you and scatter the ashes to make sure there’s nothing left to make a cyborg zombie out of.

        Of course, Total Party Suicide upon receiving the Call to Action wouldn’t make for a very fun adventure, so instead we get this 5-storey Jenga tower of stupid.

        • http://www.facebook.com/joana.eme Joana Eme

          True. X)

        • endplanets

          That would be a cool game actually.

          Cthulu (or a new IP monster) will show up on Earth in 30 days. Members of the Cult of Cthulu find and brand 5 random people, give them powers and tell them to do thing (sacrifice, find stone of destiny, find portal, etc) otherwise they will turn into abominations. You, as the main character, decide that Cthulu being on earth is worse than being an abomination and kill all the cultists.

          The rest of the game is you (and the other 4 branded people IF you can convince them to stick with you) using your Cthulu powers to find and kill cultists and Cthulu monsters while avoid the cops and counter-cultists. You would bump into other branded people and either fight them / convince them to join your side. But since you are not fulfilling your mission Cthulu is slowly turning you and your party into monsters so you get stronger, but you also lose control.
          Are you a bad enough dude to keep it under control and stop Cthulu.

      • endplanets

        I would rather have my soul literally destroyed (or whatever) than metaphorically destroyed by having to horrible murdering a bunch of people and helping something evil.
        And techno-zombies are pitifully weak (I guess) so I wouldn’t be to hung up about my techno-corpse killing a fly. And it would be hard for a techno-zombie to kill more people than me straight up killing people and helping Satan.

        • http://www.facebook.com/joana.eme Joana Eme

          Only the first ones are pathetic. They eventually get tougher (especially if one chooses to fight the Undying, which are really angry techno-zombies. The last 2 are absolute hell…that’s why they’re fun XD).

          Well, I don’t usually like to debate on “what I would/wouldn’t do”, because there’s “saying” and there’s “acting”. What I mean is that normally I would be the same as you, but if I was living the situation, I would most likely do everything to preserve myself (including killing other people). That’s basic survival instinct. No one really wants to die, or become a monster.

          Also, working for Satan was never part of the characters’ plans (besides Vanille and Fang, but they’re on its side for most of the time). Like Spoony highlighted, the characters decided to separate and do nothing about their Focus. When they found out they were supposed to destroy Cocoon, they decided to defy their fate, and use their power to save it, instead.

    • MaX Mpesiris

      Because we wouldn’t have a Final Fantasy 13 if they did kill themselves…………………………..wait…

  • http://www.facebook.com/max.clinton Max Clinton

    Man this game is a peice of shit.

  • GeekyDragonGirl

    You know, what frustrates me the most about XIII is that there is so much wasted potential. There seems to be good game in there somewhere, but it’s buried under bad writing, bad characters and the annoyance that is the hallway. The story, in the right hands could be a good one; Massive monstrous Lovecraftian crystal monsters shoving magic into folks and forcing them to do their bidding, but either can’t or won’t tell them what said bidding is. So they have to figure out what said bidding is while dealing with the entire population either fearing or wanting to kill them along with the emotional baggage of being an enemy to their entire world . That’s a good premise, the problem is the execution. The plot is a mess (Spoony hasn’t even got into the worst of it yet). The characters are either boring (Lightning, why is she so popular?! I mean aside from her looks), annoying (Snow and Vanille, both are so annoying that they make me want to punch kittens, plus they are fanservice characters) or total cliches (Fang, I’ve seen her character type so many times in other games.) The only characters I could even remotely tolerate were Hope and Sazh, but the horrible character dialogue took even that bit of interest out of me.

    And don’t even get me started on the hallway. Most of the problems in this game could be fixed by adding a town or something similar. You know, NPCs to explain the world a bit instead of lazily putting everything in a datalog or character side-quests that actually expand the characters a bit. But no, towns aren’t needed, we must never ever leave the plot railroad. It’s not like players want to actually EXPLORE like in every other Final Fantasy game. World building? What’s that? The problem is that without exploration a game relies on story, characters and the battles and unfortunately two of those aren’t even close to being up to snuff. Of course, since the characters are all enemies of the world, exploring may end up being one big stealth mission, but at least it’s better than the hallway.

    • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

      Doesn’t help that once you actually *can* sort of explore Pulse, you’ve got maybe five or six unique areas to go through…Bit of a slap in the face when opposed to the ten or fifteen unique areas in Cocoon that are never revisited ever.

    • SeanMcTiernan

      Basically, it just feels like they didn’t trust us to play the game, and didn’t want to invest the time in creating a complete world. I think Lightning got a free pass because we immediately understand why she’s got a stake in this whole thing, but the voice acting really didn’t help her. It just seemed like she was emotionally dead most of the time when she wasn’t pissed off.

      What got on my last damned nerve was the way in which the story kept throwing really cool things, like vehicles in front of you, or the gravity thing, and *never* let you use them. Sure, your summons become vehicles of a kind, but even that’s extremely limited in nature. It’s like giving you a top of the line sports car, but never letting you get out the 25 mph suburban neighborhoods.

      Again and again, we saw elements that *could* have been awesome, but then it veers sharply away, or give us only enough to be mediocre at best. I would have sacrificed graphics and music in order to just get some FUN gameplay.

      Every boss fight goes like this, pretty much:

      Combat starts:
      1. Throw Libra to determine weaknesses.
      2. If you did not throw Libra, die.
      3. maybe do a paradigm shift if needed.
      4. Win.

      I remember in Final Fantasy VI having an unhealthy love of using the autocrossbow whenever possible, and spending vast swaths of time on the Veldt collecting monster abilities for Gau to use.

      Why? Because these were such fun abilities to have, but no such thing existed in XIII.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

        Lightning never sounded emotionally dead to me in XIII. Nowhere near as bad as Samus in Other M… although Lightning IS emotionally dead in XIII-2 and most likely have the personality of a robot in Lightning Returns since she doesn’t seem bothered by wearing that horrible new outfit.

        • GeekyDragonGirl

          Lightning’s voice and actions in the first game were stereotypical ‘tough girl’ and never expanded much beyond that, IMHO, which is too bad because she had a lot of potential as a character. She didn’t seem to covey much else other than ‘I am rule 63 Squall’ that’s my problem with the voice direction, but that’s certainly not the fault of the VA, it was probably the voice direction and the lackluster script. If your director sucks then even your best voice actors can suck.

          That’s actually why I actually cut the VA for Other M’s Samus some slack since she didn’t have tons of voice acting experience and there was a ton of executive meddling when it came to her voice work.

          Actually, I don’t find Lightning’s outfit in Lightning Returns to be all that bad, it seems fairly practical and Final Fantasy has certainly done worse in the costume department, besides if you want to see some true fashion victims look up the Growlanser where the costumes become more ludicrous in each game.

      • GeekyDragonGirl

        That’s exactly it because XIII is not a game, it’s a playable movie, you, as the player, are just in the way, you’re here to serve the game so they can get to the next show off point. You’re supposed to gawk at the pretty graphics and flashy moves. They put WAY too much effort into the look and graphics.

    • Atmos_Duality

      http://www.computerandvideogames.com/235030/final-fantasy-xiii-boss-responds-to-review-scores/

      From FF13 Director Toriyama
      “But we’ve got a story to tell, and it’s important the player can engage
      with the characters and the world they inhabit before letting them
      loose…”

      “We think many reviewers are looking at Final Fantasy XIII from a
      western point of view. When you look at most Western RPGs, they just
      dump you in a big open world, and let you do whatever you like… [It]
      becomes very difficult to tell a compelling story when you’re given that
      much freedom.”

      That says a lot about the nature of FF13.

      • GeekyDragonGirl

        Okay, that article pissed me off. Speaking as someone who’s gaming library consists of about 86% JRPGs, Toriyama is speaking out his rear and pulling the ‘westerners don’t get it’ card because the reviews were negative (weren’t the reviews in Japan pretty meh as well). Everything in FFXIII has been done better in older JRPGs without the plot railroad. Heck, the last game FFXII ,had engaging characters (with the exception of Vaan and Penelo, but they were last minute additions for fanboys and fangirls and even then had their own charm) and an epic and mature story and you could still do side-questing and explore the world a bit. The Persona Series, while not as exploration heavy as other games still had excellent writing, believable characters with quirks and vastly different personalities, the rules of the world were explained and you STILL had a town and a few dungeons to explore.
        In other FF games you could look around, enjoy the scenery, you could explore and talk to NPCs, it actually felt like the world was for lack of a better
        word, alive, sometimes you could see the effects of major events up close.
        (running through the town after the destruction of Lindblum from IX still sticks
        out in my mind to this day. No mere cinematic could have that effect on a
        player). Even the datalogs have been done better, over ten years ago. Xenosaga Episode 1 had datalogs to explain how things worked but the NPCs explained things and the story was told in such a way that you could get the general gist of the story even if you didn’t read all the entries. You could get what a Realian or a Gnosis was based on people’s reactions to them and how they were presented. XIII obviously doesn’t have that level of writing.
        Also, I don’t know what western RPGs Toriyama played, but most of the ones I played had pretty darn good stories and some pretty
        interesting characters. It’s not just running around a sandbox like he seems to
        think. (Though, there’s lots to do on a map).

        • Atmos_Duality

          You know, I think about a game like, say, Suikoden 2, and just how far afield you could wander at some points in that game.
          And then I look at FF13 and wonder “Where are JRPGs going? Where is Square-Enix going?” and the answer makes me sigh.

          • GeekyDragonGirl

            Quick time Events: The Game seems like a very likely Squeenix product at this point.

          • Atmos_Duality

            *sigh* And to think I had hoped gaming had grown out of those useless counter-intuitive reflex tests.

      • Testsubject909

        Yes and No. I’ve played many JRPGs and a great many of them grants you a great amount of freedom and exploration. What they state sounds more like an attempt at an excuse without even a clear understanding of the genre they’re attempting to create a game for. Most JRPGs do similar things to a Western RPG, that is to say, putting you in a wide free environment. While yes the story does get some railroading segment, honestly WRPGs do much of the same.

        I think he was just attempting to tell himself that “the only reason they don’t like our game is because they’re silly westerners who don’t understand the easterner sensibility…”

        Which is to say. A lot of people in Japan did complain about 13 as well. A lot of people did just resell their copies of 13, so much so that within a month or two, new copies of FF13 would be sold at ludicrously low prices and that shops were heavily overstocked with copies of those games.

        If anything it just shows their unwillingness to admit to their own errors in creating this mess… Which was stated to be a mess, since development began on the PS2, scrapped two years of effort, shifted to the unfamiliar PS3 at the time, took 3 years where apparently the design team had multiple in-fights and creative differences.

        There was no way this game would come out in top form and putting up this sort of bullshit excuse only makes you look all the more incompetent.

        • Atmos_Duality

          Well said.
          And that reinforces what I’ve suspected: Squeenix honestly has no idea what the hell it is doing anymore.

      • MaX Mpesiris

        Yeeeaaahh……even though I haven’t played that many games in total, I can still call bullcr@p on this!

        Even linear rpgs like Breath of Fire 4 offered way more exploration and freedom!

    • endplanets

      I will cost Copy Paste my previous comment because

      That would be a cool game actually.

      Cthulu (or a new IP monster) will show up on Earth in 30 days.
      Members of the Cult of Cthulu find and brand 5 random people, give them
      powers and tell them to do thing (sacrifice, find stone of destiny, find
      portal, etc) otherwise they will turn into abominations. You, as the
      main character, are branded but decide that Cthulu being on earth is worse than being an abomination and kill all the cultists.

      The rest of the game is you (and the other 4 branded people IF you
      can convince them to stick with you) using your Cthulu powers to find
      and kill cultists and Cthulu monsters while avoid the cops and
      counter-cultists. You would bump into other branded people and either
      fight them / convince them to join your side. But since you are not
      fulfilling your mission Cthulu is slowly turning you and your party into
      monsters so you get stronger, but you also lose control of your body and less understanding of what is really going on.
      Are you a bad enough dude to keep it under control and stop Cthulu.

  • ReloadXPsi

    Oh thank you for the Rikku “Monkey!” clip in the Ragnarok flashback. That was hilarious!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Miles/100001710632442 Chris Miles

    Damn this game is so poorly designed from a basic miss-understanding of the medium. In the fight with the shiva sisters instead of telling you what to do they just needed to add the new ability and let the player figure it out. How?

    Well by having the players attacks do little to no damage and having the sisters do 1/4ish your life in damage when they attack. This gives the player one turn or 2 to realize that attacking is not going to work and force them to frantically search for something else to try. Then they get the AHA moment and see “Defensive mode-significantly reduces damage taken” You do not need to tell them to use it they will figure it out because of the way the battle is structured.

    • Aschthebloody

      that is the whole problem with this game, the designers didn’t get that its a GAME not a fucking movie. all of there boasting on how streamlined combat is quickly turned into one of the worst things in this game, with a real combat system i think allot of the shit that happens in this game had a chance to be overlooked. not really enough to redeem the game entirely but at least make it bearable.

  • NymphadoraTonks

    DAT HAIRCUT. Oh, Spoony, you look fantastic! (I’ve been waiting for this for a while, can you tell? :P)

  • Pearse Hillock

    Great video, had mostly no problems with it and enjoyed watching. Can’t wait for next one but just try not to have it nearly 4 months away like this one, I know it ain’t the fastest to create these video’s though. Keep it up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001327381001 Victor Ayo Esan

    ….i liked xiii….and this review though very entertaining really does skip a lot of the explanation that the game does give

    • doresh

      Outside the datalogs?

      • Aschthebloody

        yea where outside the datalogs do they explain anything really?

    • Testsubject909

      Care to… Put up an actual explanation?

      This reply is 5 days late to you but. I did notice. You just popped in here and said “The game explains it, really” and then never bothered to reply to anyone… Not a single word. Not a single source. Not a single explanation. Not a single example. Nothing…

      Which… Gives the impression that. No. It didn’t explain anything and you saying that rings false at the moment.

      And no, what you can “infer” does not count as the interpretation could differ heavily pending each person, similar to attempting to discern what their Focus is if you were in their shoes, it’s really just wild guesses and not actual explanation.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Behellmorph-Beckett/100001737277871 Chris Behellmorph Beckett

    Oh Heaven. It is pure joy whenever I look upon thi Final fantasy reviews.

  • Randy Marsh

    This was way better than Parts 1 and 2. But honestly, I think he’s just nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking. And no everyone, I’m not a fan of Final Fantasy XIII.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

      How’s cancer treatment going? Still enjoying that weed?

      • Randy Marsh

        Hell yeah and bouncing on my balls makes it easier to get to the pharmacy to buy more.

        • Godot123

          I have always wondered, doesn’t using your balls as a kangaroo hopper hurt like Hell?

          • Randy Marsh

            Not if you’re stoned off your ass!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mario-Fraser/1512556240 Mario Fraser

    This is a very good video Spoony. I felt like you were being more natural and it harkened back to the old style of reviewing.

    Looking forward to seeing you rip apart this crime against humanity more in Part 4

    • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.owens.5872 Jeremy Owens

      Agreed. I get the feeling that part of the reason this one took so long to get out was because he realized the new format he tried out for parts 1 and 2 just didn’t flow very naturally, so he may have had to reshoot some or all of it.

      I could be dead wrong, but it makes sense to me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Thiago-Mascherpe-Spinetti/100001475615016 Thiago Mascherpe Spinetti

    man they are monsters for killing all this innocent people!!!

    • FlippedOmega

      When do they kill civilians, or any other non-combat personnel? I know not all of the soldiers are evil, but they are all under orders to kill or capture the party, so the only option they have is to fight back.

      • Testsubject909

        Or… y’know. Strategic retreat.

        • FlippedOmega

          If they retreated from fights with every group of soldiers that attacked them in the game they’d never make it past the first level.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Mc-Devitt/100002626261475 Stephen Mc Devitt

      Well I wish those monsters destroyed Academia 4XX AF in XIII-2. The NPC’s are far too happy, wide-eyed and bland as sin. Noel and Serah should’ve realised this and stop their past-self from trying to get rid of the Proto-Fal’Cie. Better yet, just get Kratos from God of War to level Cocoon into the earth of Gran Pulse!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amber-Biliouris/100000382364353 Amber Biliouris

    Hope in general is a questionable lil sh*t. I would call him retarded but all the characters are that in some degree. He acts as if Snow put a gun to his mother’s head and pulled the trigger. 1. she volunteered 2. he knew the guys in charge were going to kill both anyway 3. Snow actually tried to save her before falling as well.

    Hope may have been in grief but others pointed out how he kills soldiers without even feeling bad. Then again so do the others.

    I think most of them are sociopaths. How many are actually out to save lives besides their own?

    I kinda like Snow, despite him being an utter idiot. He at least acts as if he wants to help from time to time.

    • FlippedOmega

      Actually some of the party have at least one person they are fighting for. Lightning and Snow both want to save Serah and Sazh is trying to find his son.

      I kind of get where Hope is coming from when he blames Snow, because he sees Snow as an easy target to pin things on, rather than actually coming to terms with his mother’s death. While not the most likable reaction, this is how some people really do react to the loss of loved ones.

    • doresh

      Snow seems to hail from the AbramsTrek school of revenge: Take revenge on the guy who actually tried to HELP.

    • Atmos_Duality

      As braindead as Snow is, I do agree with you there: Douchey-Hero Complex or not, he isn’t an especially malicious guy, and mercifully he isn’t an emo fuckhead either.

      As for sociopathic characters; it’s a typical problem in games. Remove the fast-paced action and “heroic” overtones, and you will find most video game protagonists are murderous cretins.

      The only JRPG I know of that actually addresses the whole “killing the enemy dead” aspect, was actually Tales of the Abyss, where Luke Fon Fabre actually has to come to terms with killing other human beings; even those who are trying to kill him.

  • FlippedOmega

    I can’t speak for the other characters, but the reason Lightning can mow down soldiers so emotionlessly is that she is a soldier herself (I don’t remember if Spoony actually brought that up). I know all soldiers are human and have feelings but when they must kill, they need to shut those off to take a life.

    When you look at her past, it’s actually pretty understandable that she would be rather cold. Since her parents died she had to grow up far too fast to support herself and her sister. Add military discipline into the mix and that’s where the cold unemotional personality comes from.

    • Testsubject909

      I highly doubt that it’s just “soldier training” that enables you to mow down other soldiers in such a distant manner… If anything, wouldn’t she, as a soldier, focus on efficiently succeeding while making a minimal impact as the soldiers depicted in the videos seem trained not just to follow blind commands but to actively protect the people of Cocoon, going so far as to actively speak against a commanding officer?

      Your statement would make it sound like Lightning was more of a silent sadistic soldier who took on the guise of a professional to enact acts of murders as she would please rather then as a well trained soldier with a sense of professionalism.

      • FlippedOmega

        From what I’ve seen she is pretty efficient. She takes down soldiers quickly without tons of grandstanding or showboating, neither does she try to drag civilians into the fighting.

        She also is not blind to the fact that some of the PSICOM soldiers are not pure evil. In an early scene in the first chapter, Sazh calls the soldiers evil for massacring the people on the train, but she points out one of the soldiers that was killed because he couldn’t pull the trigger. The problem is that for every few enemies who are ordinary guys, there are many more that would kill civilians to get at the party. She knows that not all of them are evil, but the fact is that the party is in a “kill or be killed” situation, and can’t afford to show mercy.

  • http://twitter.com/AnimeXDXD Ryan A

    Has spoony talked about the actual gameplay yet? Cuz yeah, that part does suck.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

    I demand satisfaction! I demand more of the Spoony Experiment! NIGEL DEMANDS MORE!

  • orangeluigi

    Another good final fantasy xiii review spoony!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

    I finally realized why every game since 7 has sucked. It’s because the guy who created it left the company in 2004. Hironobu Sakaguchi created the FF series and apparently directed, designed and/or produced every single game up to and including FF7. After 2004 he left and that’s why 8,9,10,11,12 and 13 all suck terribly. They got some other guy running the franchise and exploiting Sakaguchi’s art for money. And that’s why it comes off cheesy, forced and kitschy. Because it is. What you’re watching is literally exploitation. In short, sell out krap.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

      He also designed Chrono trigger.

      • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.owens.5872 Jeremy Owens

        10 and 12 don’t suck though. Especially 12.

        People deciding 12 sucked for no other reason than “It’s not turn based and it’s too non-linear! OMG!!!!!!” is the reason the Hallway exists.

        • doresh

          I actually thought the combat was kinda interesting from a general perspective. The removal of a separate combat screen gave it a Chrono Trigger vibe, and I’ll never get why nobody tried to copy that game’s combat system.

          Sadly, the actual combat in FF12 is unspectacular. Even if you did NOT program the characters so the game plays itself, the animations were just boring and the overall depth was lacking. It tried to combine real-time and turn-based combat and failed, creating something that doesn’t surpass its parent in any category.

          (Though then again, the AI programming WAS a cool idea. Another feature I can’t believe nobody copied)

          The License Board was a joke. Square felt the need to reinvent the Sphere Grid without it actually being a Sphere Grid, and ended up with a frustrating piece of junk that is full of fillers and generally bad ideas.
          Seriously, wouldn’t it make more sense if the licenses would IMPROVE your usage of certain armor and weapon categories (possibly unlocking abilities in the process), instead of just allowing you to use them?

          Then there’s the story, which is also boring and is separated by hours upon hours of grinding that made me constantly forget just what was going on. Doesn’t help that the main character has absolutely nothing to do with the plot.

          The setting was also a bit weird. It’s strange how Square keeps using Ivalice despite the fact that every Ivalice might as well be a different setting altogether. I also didn’t like how the airships looked far too futuristic compared to everything else (as opposed to the magitek in FF6 that was fitting for the more industrialized world).

          Add in the Star Wars references that were about as subtle as a kick to the balls and secrets requiring you to do ridiculous stuff that’s custom-made to absolutely require a strategy guide, and you’ve got a game that made me borequit.

          Well, at least gave me the push to look for RPGs that are actually good.

          • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.owens.5872 Jeremy Owens

            Eh, I enjoyed 12′s combat. Turn-based combat is just the same animations for every attack over and over as well, at least 12 gave you a bit of freedom to move and pick your battles.

            I thought the plot was a nice change of pace from the usual FF plot. I didn’t have a problem with Vaan not being the main character. It’s a relatively common narrative practice to have an “everyman” viewpoint character that is mostly just an observer to the big player’s actions.

            The License board sucked ass though, there’s no denying that.

            I never noticed about the ships before, I guess you’re right. I do like the designs but they are a bit out of place now I think about it.

          • doresh

            Turn-based can be quite exciting, since the camera can show flashy attacks from all angles without having to worry about the player. FFX did this rather well IMO. It also had spell animations that actually looked impressive, not this “Make some kind of attack animation and have a small energy thing fly towards the enemy” that FF12 has.

            You have freedom of movement, but this movement is usually pointless. It’s a shame really. That boss enemy in the tutorial stage made it look like positioning would actually matter. Guess it wouldn’t have worked anyways thanks to the AI-controlled characters.

            And “everyman” viewpoint can be nice and helpful, but since Vaan was a rather late addition to the game, he didn’t have much of a viewpoint to contribute.

          • http://thegreenfred.tumblr.com/ Green Fred

            Since everyone’s throwing their two cents about XII’s combat…

            While I overall liked XII’s combat system, I have to agree with you about the combat movements. They were just sort of… pointless. Granted, it’s worlds better than XIII’s “well, positioning *DOES* matter, but the AI will just make you run into the AOE attack like a complete moron instead of away from it like a smart person, because fuck giving the player any sort of control!”.

            Have to agree about the spells/attack actions too. When a game manages to make even the summons look dull and uninteresting, that game’s gone wrong somewhere.

            Though XII has one things that’s vastly superior to nearly every FF before or since: you can swap out KO’d characters for characters out of combat. I hate, hate, HATE it when the game gives the a player a game over because all the characters in combat died, but there’s technically 3+ other characters standing by and sitting on their asses out of combat (looking at you, FFX).

            But still, most of these problems could have been fixed if Square bothered to improve upon it instead of building an entirely new system.

            Actually, now that I think about it, the combat system in White Knight Chronicles feels like the spiritual successor to XII’s system. There’s the “wait until bar fills up in combat despite being in an open world” deal and “use points to unlock skills and bonuses to stats to build whatever type of character you want for any character” like FFXII, but actions are (usually) more dynamic (though spells are still sort of lacking), positioning actually matters for some attacks, and you can target specific parts of large enemies for maximum benefit. Fun stuff.

          • doresh

            Yeah, the summons were weird. Most of their limit breaks involved some kind of seizure dance O_o
            (Doesn’t help that these Esper have a dendency to become useless right after you aquire them <_< )

            And it was indeed sweet for a FF game to finally acknowledge that there are a bunch of characters just following the main party.

            It sounds good that they recycled the mechanics for a different game, though that's not the first time this happened. The FF Tactics subseries is basically some kind of exile for the Job System the main series abandoned after FFV.
            (Okay, there's also X-2 that sorta had this system, which I why I can't hate it as much as I should XD )

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            Maybe they could have introduced a character that would periodically stop the party and check them for licenses, and if they didn’t have licenses for the equipment they had equipped, they got a huge fine in gil or thrown in a dungeon. It would make at least a little bit more sense than just having a vague, unexplained meta-concept like a license board. If no one ever checks or talks about it, what exactly is a license if it’s not like a drivers license?

          • doresh

            I don’t think that’d be a good solution. They tried that with Gambits, turning them into… things you could physically purchase in a store, with everyone inside talking about how awesome Gambits are.
            It’s like the people of Ivalice are all androids or something, programming themselves with Gambits O_o

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            Yeah but that’s not the same thing. Gambits confused the krap out of me too because I was like how do you “buy” a skill? They should have done it the exact opposite. Make gambits the things you upgrade with skill poitns or “license points” and then make licenses the things you buy. It makes more sense that way. You have to buy a gun license or Concealed Carry Permit, why not have them buy a sword license? It’d add an interesting flavor to the game. And it wouldn’t be historically without precedent. I believe they did that once in China. They had each family register all their weapons. I could be wrong about it being china though. It would make double sense considering the game starts out in an evil empire, and it’d want to control people and keep weapons out of the hands of dalmascans.

          • doresh

            That might’ve actually worked. But this might create new problems if the group is in the wilderness or in dungeons (where nobody can check their licenses anyways), is outside the empire (so the shops don’t ask for licenses), or find artifacts (which aren’t actually bought).

            And seeing how almost everyone in the team is a rebel, a criminal and/or a presumed dead person, I don’t think they care much about the law XD

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            Yeah, true.

        • Atmos_Duality

          FF12 is tepid; which doesn’t make it terrible, but it doesn’t make it good either.

          The environments are great, often atmospheric, and some of the hunts are pretty well designed. Combat engagement is fluid enough that it doesn’t cause the game to come to a dead stop every 20 feet and unlike FF13, there is actual incentive to experiment and explore.

          But most of the game is boring; the story is incomplete (due to the lead writer leaving halfway through its LOOOONG production), the characters are flat and identical both individually and mechanically due to that awful License Board system.

          People like it for its strengths, but it is not a great game.
          FFX…it’s popular, but the characters and story are really really awful when you sit back and actually look at them.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

          I didn’t like it for other reasons. I barely got out of dalmasca. The farthest I got was the floating city and then I just didn’t care. The plot just didn’t engross me. It’s not BAD, but a FF game should never just be “Okay” or leave a reaction of “ehh meh.”. Almost every single game from 1-7 was a masterpiece. There’s a reason for this. And I didn’t like 10 either. It was better than 12, but barely. I didn’t like the fact it wasn’t an open map world. It was really just a series of large rooms. I can see why someone would like it though. There are good aspects to it. I did enjoy Seymour. And despite what spoony says Waka is one of my favorite characters. Probably my least favourite is Yuna, because she’s just so dang passive. She’s also not really a moral hero. It seems like her whole character is that she is so passive that she doesn’t even mind dying for Spira just because she wants acceptance or not to stir the pot. She’s extremely unassertive, and I like women protagonists that are assertive and/or sexy. Not demure housewives that apologize for everything. It’s OK if that’s PART of her personality. But that’s literally ALL yuna was. Demure. She’s on par with bella from twilight.

          I had a huge crush on Lulu. I like gothic chicks. And there was something about her blue lipstick and huge breasts that made me go crazy like that wolf from that old MGM cartoon.

          And I stand by my point that the new guy in charge is just misinterpeting the original creators work and style and using it to sell games like hotcakes. It’s exploitation of the art form that FF used to be.

          • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.owens.5872 Jeremy Owens

            I’ve tried to type this 3 fucking times now and I’m officially pissed off at Disqus wiping my shit.

            Short version: I liked X. Combat was well executed, as good as turn based could be at the time I think, plot was decent, characters were overall pretty cool. At least as good as VII (which I don’t think is as praiseworthy as everyone says it is. IV I think is probably the best FF).

            I liked XII. Different reasons. It was flawed in almost every aspect, yes.
            but it was the POTENTIAL

            Plot was flawed, yes, and broke down towards the middle. But
            it was NEW for a Final Fantasy game, it attempted to have a more politically based plot than the usual “6 teenagers with attitude save the world from evil!” plotline of the games.

            Combat was flawed, yes. But it introduced a possible new way
            of playing the game, allowing for strategy to be combined with freedom of motion to create a complex and nuanced combat system. No, it didn’t turn out that way. But it had the POTENTIAL to be great, and was executed at least fine.

            Exploration was flawed IF ONLY because some of the areas
            were confusing to traverse and led to places that pretty much spelled instant death for an underleveled party, even in supposedly low level areas. But it was a GREAT change of pace from the more linear games, and I think an improvement on the old school overworld.

            The Hunts were awesome. ‘Nuff said.

            What was so great about the game that puts it up there as
            one of my favorites was that potential and feeling of newness, and the hope that the next game would have refined and perfected versions of XII’s flawed, but fresh ideas.

            Buuuut people complained about the game FAR out of
            proportion of what it deserved in my opinion, and as a result we got Final Hallway XIII, which effectively scrapped EVERYTHING that was XII and looked to reinvigorate the series, and did the complete opposite with it. “Too open” became MUCH too linear. Random encounters were still gone (I think, I never actually played it, but that’s what it looks like), but turn based combat was still back (though with another twist, admittedly), and the plot was a variation on the “Six teens save the world” type of plot, with an interesting
            on paper, but as we can see not so much in practice twist to it.

          • doresh

            For all the flack I usually give FFXII, I can’t argue it has some good features or at least ideas. It’s just the execution I hate.

            It’s a shame Square-Enix listened to the wrong complaints. Instead of making the next game a FFXII done right, they wanted to – yet again – reinvent everything from scratch.

    • theshamster

      But…but…I like FF9, and I also like the hunt quests for FF12.
      The only problem with 12 is Vaan; get rid of him and make Bache the main character and volia, problem solved!

      • doresh

        But that would’ve actually improved the game, which is why they decided to shoehorned Vaan and his girlfriend into the game XD

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        I have to admit, I don’t think it’d save the entire game? But I think it’d help tremendously. I disliked the game almost immediately partly because of Vaan. He’s so androgynous I can’t relate to him, and he’s just kind of a mary sue, a blank slate devoid of personality so people can pretend they’re him. But he ruins this by looking nothing like a man, yet not really a woman either. And Penello was just kinda annoying and useless. Like a potted plant that sits in the corner and does nothing but fill in the empty space. She was even worse than Vaan. I mean talk about NO personality. Maybe she was supposed to be the blank slate crush that the teenage demographic the game was aiming at was supposed to fantasize and role play with? Ya know. You like this girl in real life, but she doesn’t notice you or care and so you pretend she’s Penello. The character is so bland it leaves me wondering.

      • Godot123

        I read that Vaan was not origionally in FF12 and the guy who should have been the lead was the actual lead. Square Enix then demanded that the developer add in an androgynous pretty boy to please the fandom. That is why the character of Vaan and the other girl feel shoehorned in, they are.

      • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

        I don’t think Vaan should be the dealbreaker he is to so many. By most people’s own admission, he is hardly a main character and barely says a thing after a point. It seems people are just very bigotted against his character archetype more than they are about him especifically.

        Story in general shouldn’t be a dealbreaker when it comes to FF12. It’s such a smaller part of the game in contrast to the time devoted to gameplay, than it had been in the series perhaps ever since FF3. You can play for several hours before doing anything relevant to the plot or being out of things to do. When the plot comes it merely opens new quests and areas.

    • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

      Sakaguchi worked on FF9. It’s his favourite child in the series too.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        Well, no one’s perfect. :D

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Daniel-Draper/590328663 Daniel Draper

          IDK about you, but 9 was amazing. The story was far more mature and believable than even 7. People don’t like 9 because of bad taste from 8, pure and simple. Also, for the record Sakaguchi didn’t have much to do with 8. He left and what was Square died with him.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Daniel-Draper/590328663 Daniel Draper

            Unless you really believe that the visuals had something to do with it, in which the case I could ask why you’d even bother with a game titled ‘FINAL FANTASY’.

            There’s a reason the game is so well-received by people WHO’VE ACTUALLY PLAYED IT.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

            I didn’t care for 9 because it just didn’t hook me or pull me in. I found it hard to get invested in the story, although for me, I’m a little bit bias. I keep expecting every final fantasy to be like VI. That was my first, and favourite Final Fantasy. 3 on the SNES. But VI in japan.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001000782571 Brogan Cordova

    Please keep up the “YOU DON’T KNOW YET?!” gag. I crack up every single time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sheila-Jenkins/100000412359301 Sheila Jenkins

    Not to worry! It’s a JRPG, you’ll be led by the nose and railroaded along and do your focus along the way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dustin-Smith/100001487648807 Dustin Smith

    Spoony, you shouldn;t ever think of a vido Game enemy as just some faceless guy. If the game does its job right, then you should have reasons to kill them and such. The vibe I get from this review is that we are supposed to hate the main characters so far. The faceless troops are more sympathetic.

  • http://selfpityentertainment.blogspot.com/ Self Pity Entertainment

    Y’know, when I was playing this game, I wasn’t even bothering to follow the story at all. At this point in the series, I had given up on Final Fantasy doing a good story again. So most of the time I was just going “duuuhhh, pretty graphics” during the cut scenes.

    But what really killed the game for me was the dull as all hell gameplay. It’s so mind-numbing, that I feel only a few human beings in the world have the will power to sit through the whole game.

    Oh, and that Shiva Twins battle… I feel you on that one. I did the exact same thing you did in the game, and was pissed to learn in a guide after getting my ass kicked several times that you just had to stand there in tank mode. This fucking game.

    • Testsubject909

      Doesn’t make any sense at all.

      Now, Final Fantasy 2(NA)/4(JP) had you fight your inner darkness on a quest to become a Paladin and the path was to not fight, but that made sense. Cecil was a dark knight who murdered and sought redemption, when faced with a fight against his own inner darkness you can interpret his not fighting back to obtain the powers of a Paladin in many ways that all make sense.

      But capturing the Shiva sisters by doing shit-all to defend yourself makes no sense outside of just the tutorial wanting you to do just that without telling you outright.

      • Goblin_King

        Actually it did tell you, spoony even read it in the vid, attacking and defending does work

    • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

      Why do you still play them?

  • http://twitter.com/Porecomesis Porecomesis

    Do you remember when the Final Fantasy entries had consistency? Neither do I!

    • Testsubject909

      I personally do. But they’re very old games by now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

    This is why I am afraid to really get into the FF series. I really don’t know where to start and with all the negativity that I hear about the most recent games, like how long and linear as well as boring to boot. Granted I only played ff1 on the psp and I know there are good ff games, but again it just the rep of the series as well as the broken fanbase who pick about everything about everything and everyone who is involved in the act. I just want to know where I should start as well as to talk about the series and games in general. Not the most social person on the net, but hay isn’t that what we always joke about ourselves, that we are not the most social of people.

    • doresh

      I think you can’t go wrong going into the past of the series (before things went ugly). I’d recommend the SNES era (IV, V and VI). Pick IV or VI if you want a good story, and pick V if you want a Job system and/or plain fun.

      • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.owens.5872 Jeremy Owens

        The DS remake of IV is definitely worth getting.

      • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

        And when did things got ugly?

        • doresh

          There are many different answers for this question, depending on the fan. But I’ll stay on the safe side and say things got ugly after the merger between Square and Enix. That’s when the franchise milking really got started IMO.

          • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

            When did the two merged and what games did they made before that?

          • doresh

            They merged in 2003, around 2 years after FF creator Sakaguchi had to leave Square because his little “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within” (aka “That weird CGI movie with like two references to Final Fantasy”) bombed hard and almost killed the company.

            Square was responsible for franchises like Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger and Seiken Densetsu (aka the “XYZ of Mana” series).

            Enix on the other hand were known for Dragon Quest, Star Ocean and the famous Soul Blazer trilogy (Soul Blazer, Illusion of Gaia and Terranigma).

            (Okay, Enix itself was less of a developer and more of a publisher, but they had such strong ties with most developers that they might as well be part of the company).

            Suffice to say, while Square was a lot more successful in the west than Enix, Enix was Square’s stronges competitor in Japan – in no small part thanks to Dragon Quest, which is insanely popular over there.

    • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

      You can get into the series without interacting with the fanbase. But alas, it is too late for that now.
      Anyway, I recommend any of the games from III to IX, excluding number 8. Read up on the different releases of the games before you buy any.

      • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

        I really didn’t interact with the fanbase. I was just saying the based on the reputation that the fanbase has and from this website. I know that is a really limited knloweledge of them, but there is one thing that the MLP fanbase taught me and that is that most people of a fanbase are good and creative people, it is just the very vocal minority that give any fanbase a bad reputation. Just look at the furry community.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jacob.w.brody Jacob Wilson Brody

    “oh shit 20 sided dice!” I would wear a T-shirt that said that

  • FlippedOmega

    I just realized why I was nowhere near as lost as some other people that played FFXIII; I read up on the game before playing. I looked up some of the basic information on the story and characters, and when I started playing, I had an idea of what fal’cie and other plot devices are.

    I know that this does not excuse the lack of explanation in the game, but it did help me enjoy the experience more.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

    10 days without new content… help… water….

    • Spectr

      Are you new? Spoony releases two videos a month MAX. Always. And GameReviews take even longer, last Final Fantasy video was five months ago.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1442290943 Derek Thomas

        I’ve been following him and this site since 2011. The flow of content varies from like you said, to sometimes more, sometimes less. But I’d say 2-3 a month is about average.

  • http://www.facebook.com/antoni.belbart Antoni Belbart

    I’ve never played FFXIII, I have a copy in my room that I’ll eventually play, but when you were talking about the L’Cie giving out an order that the characters can’t comprehend because they are gods or something. It feels like they were trying to introduce some kind of Lovecraftian being? Something that no mortal is meant to understand with powers beyond our wildest imaginations with unknown goals?

  • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

    This is what preventing me from playing ff games. I hear so many things about the most recent games being really,really bad. I really want to join the fanbase and play the games but I don’t know what games I should play and the fanbase seems to be in a constant civil war about everything. Can someone tell me what games I should play?

    • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

      Sorry about the repost. I didn’t saw the first one in the comments when I posted it, so I assumed it didn’t go through. Thanks for the recomendation. I did play ff1, but stopped after my cousins made my psp extremely laggy for some reason.

    • MaX Mpesiris

      The old ones should be fine!

      Even 8 and 9 have their good parts!(this coming from a guy who absolutely hates Final Fantasy 8)

      I don’t know much about the new ones!

      I only played X-2!

      That game is a disaster!

      • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

        Why can’t fanbases have this kind of rep. People that will help new people to get into the group and teach and learn from each other without a complained. And it seems that I either am growing up and started seeing things in a new light or fanbases are becoming more and more violent with each other and can’t be satisfied by the producers. Granted some, like square don’t listen and go on chugging through the broken fanbase while the ones that actually are listing and trying to unite the fanbase like SEGA just get bite in the butt even harder than the ones that don;t listen or care.

    • Godmars

      If you haven’t played Chrono Trigger – you should be playing that.

      Xenogears, FF4, FF6 and maybe FF9 since its more faithful to the old style though some fans have issues with it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/luisgustavo.ribeiroolivera Luis Gustavo Ribeiro Olivera

      If you want a general feel from everything that’s good about FF, I recomend FFVI, FFVII and FFXII. FFIX is my second favorite, but I dont recomend to start with it. It’s kind of a tribute for everyone who grew playing them and not a good start, since it’s mood can ruin it for most people.

      • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

        It’s also more compelling after playing the games to which it’s paying homage.

    • Elisabeth

      Start with the earlier games – FFVI, Chrono Trigger (Squaresoft, but not Final Fantasy), FFIV, FFVII, FFIX (can’t recommend any later games because I haven’t played them). I have some complaints about IV, VII, and IX, but they’re still decent games. If you don’t mind squished sprites and blocky pixel graphics, but won’t play a game without fun sidequests and exploring and an interesting plot and compelling characters, stick to the older games.

    • http://www.facebook.com/el.keith.1 El Keith

      I would say 6 and 7 are the most universally beloved and there is still some argument over which is better. 4, 5 and 9 hold soft spots in some people’s hearts and are arguably a matter of taste. If you’re open to spin-offs, the original FF Tactics for the PSX was good, and I believe it was released for PSP.

      Most of the rest are either snubbed by the fanbase, or came from a different time in gaming and won’t necessarily make that much sense to a fresh face.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

    There is one thing I really like to know. Since I only played ff1 on the psp, I would like to know why the franchise and the fanbase got the rep it got. I also like to know exactly why ffx and generally everything past ff7/past ps1 era gave the fanbase a very sour taste. This reminds me of how sonic 06 is remembered. A universally hated game.

    • Godmars

      Generally the series has been the same story retold again and again; group of heroes go on a journey to face a world-ending threat. All of them share similar elements like crystals and chocobos, but each takes place on its own world/universe/reality.

      FF7 was notable because of an upgrade in graphic and mature-themed story material. Afterwards however stories became more convoluted and nonsensical s too much emphasis was placed on graphics until FF13 where instead of a full world to explore there is only “The Corridor”. Character’s aren’t based around a class like Cloud being a fighter or Tifa a monk, instead they just have weapons and spells with no rhyme or reason.

      • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

        Thank you for explaining. I kinda did notice that they put a little too much on the graphics. Something much have suffered for the amount of resources soend on it. At least we know the animator were working hard. Wonder if they get paid the most. At a side topic, who is known at telling a good story in the vg community which I will assume someone will say Atlus.

      • http://www.facebook.com/luisgustavo.ribeiroolivera Luis Gustavo Ribeiro Olivera

        Actually, FFVI was a bit more dark and mature than VII, and tackled some really heavy issues. FFVII was just an upgrade in graphics that kind of kept the mood from VI, while making a more linear story which people can relate a bit easier.

        • Godmars

          FF4 didn’t touch on male rape, cross-dressing or prostitution.

          Though you are correct that it was more “mature” than FF7 – ;p – which honestly was one of its problems.

          Its like the more tools and resources Square acquired to tell a better story, they didn’t while at the same time becoming more pretentious about it. Lost ability to tell honestly funny jokes within the narrative.

      • Matt Morgan

        No, they don’t take place in their own universes anymore, because the Final Fantasy 13 universe has been confirmed as the same universe as 7.

        They had so much faith in 13 that they thought they could tie it into 7. All they did was drag FFVII’s name through the mud.

  • Goblin_King

    Is there any game where the characters fall and don’t walk away without a scratch?

    • doresh

      Shadow of the Colossus.

    • lastsigma

      Bubsy, Out of This World, Lester the Unlikely, and Legend of Kyrandia 2 come to mind.

    • http://www.facebook.com/antoni.belbart Antoni Belbart

      Super Mario Bros.

    • http://handsomefatman.com/ Carlos Alexandre

      A bunch, and others that don’t. The issue, as Spoony said, is consistency. Squall can take bullets to the face… unless it’s a cutscene. Snow can crash repeatedly… but needs an item to soften his fall later AND a simple karate chop to the neck knocks him out.

  • Joonas Sinkkonen

    Two women who turn into a motorcycle huh? You know what really would have made this game rocking to the max? You’ll never guess; CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!

    I really don’t get what makes some people actually LIKE this game. My girlfriend’s eager to play it herself despite all the bad publicity it’s gotten. I’m not holding it against her, just trying to save her from utter disappointment.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1813118664 Reza Stephen Lustig

      She probably thinks it’s all romantic and shit. Play it with her; just think of it as sitting through a long, video-game version of The Notebook. You will get your reward in the end ;)

      • Joonas Sinkkonen

        Good idea! And I can just play my 3DS while doing it.

      • Guest

        Are you implying he’s going to get to have sexual intercourse with his female companion?

  • trepiechick

    Oh no! Fang and Vanille lost past AND their ficus! Someone help them get their beloved plant back!

  • http://www.facebook.com/an1me Chris Larsson

    Almost shit myself when you put the lamp on the dog, funniest shit, keep up the good work!

  • SubTonic20

    That part with the soldiers waiting to fire and not taking cover nearly had me in tears laughing. This is the best part of this review yet, Spoony. Tons of good points, hilarious jokes and just highly entertaining. Keep it up.

  • Matthew Fry

    Those are obviously killer peppers. Get it together Spoony.

    • SubTonic20

      Don’t forget the killer peppers’ weakness to FIRE.

  • http://www.facebook.com/el.keith.1 El Keith

    I believe pulse l’cie are “enemies of the state” only because the people of both planetoids have been brainwashed into believing that everyone from the opposing planetoid is secretly a monster that subsists the blood of infants and the souls of the innocent, and l’cie are among the few lifeforms with the means to actually travel from pulse to cocoon. Also, I don’t recall the game suggesting that l’cie are intended to be “secret” agents.

    Both are minor nitpicks, mind. It all ultimately rests on the fal’cie being mysterious beings with mysterious powers, which is thinly veiled way of writing “shut up, don’t try to use logic, just go along with whatever I say” into the plot. :/

    • Godmars

      Except its all poorly represented. There are no examples of culture or society except for the most shallowest scenes.

      • http://www.facebook.com/el.keith.1 El Keith

        Mmm… I might be able to grant you that. It would’ve been nice to see some media or overhear NPC conversations that reinforce what we’re primarily told through a couple of festival scenes, but I think you’ll have to concede that the game has a laundry list of bigger concerns… like the ability to wander amongst NPCs so you can see their media, learn about their cultures or overhear their conversations.

  • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

    Ops. Kefka teamed up with Yahtzee’s imps!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carmyn-Davidson/1137271436 Carmyn Davidson

    What if… the heroes had intercepted the Fal’Cie message that was en route to the true intended L’cie because they suspect the Fal’Cie are planning to destroy Cocoon. But they can’t catch the message properly thus unclear images/dreams which is all they have to work with.

    They are desperate to interpret Fal’Cie’s intent before they run out of time leading them to possibly making the wrong choice. Of course they should protect Cocoon but they don’t know how. Meanwhile the true L’cie got the clear message as intended and is putting the Fal’Cie’s plan into motion.

    • Zoomy333

      SPOILER WARNING: Good guess, but it’s wrong. Makes too much sense for one thing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000005596843 Andreas Andy Persson Fondell

    This is great!

  • Alakai Souza

    My god…I never realized how utterly stupid the fal’cie/l’cie stuff was. It sounds like a task from god, who only gave you that task because they wanted to watch you suffer and so sit back and enjoy as you flounder around being hated by everyone and trying to figure out what your suppose to do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rthyrring Rasmus Selch Thyrring

    Okay, in Norse mythology, Ragnarok is the end of days, the last giant war between the gods and the jotuns, which ultimately causes shifting of the entire world. In reference to this game, well your guess is as good as mine…

    • http://www.facebook.com/infit4 Nick Godbout

      In Final Fantasy, Ragnarok is whatever the fuck the writers want it to be. In VIII, it was a space ship.

      • Brian Cole

        And in other Final Fantasies, it was a sword. Really, whatever they want. You should know by now Square has always liked reusing names for things in each subsequent Final Fantasy, a lot of times in very different contexts. Think how in Final Fantasy XII they took the names of the Summon elementals we’d grown accustom to and used them to name the airships, then gave the Summons completely new names.

  • Dan Schuett

    Ok after watching Spoony’s review and getting the opinion’s of my friends I have decided that I must play this game. At great risk I’ve tracked it down, warring with the dregs at the Walmart Bargain Bin to acquire it, and now I sit before my television and prepare to face Final Fantasy XIII. Pray for me good people. Pray.
    On a more serious note I am about to play the game and was wondering if anyone here who has played it would agree with the sentiment that it’s, “ridiculously bad” by which I mean so bad it’s funny. Two friends described it that way and I usually trust their judgement (hence why I spent money on it) but they might have lied just so I would suffer.

    • endplanets

      One of my friends beat me in a fighting game so I was forced to play the first hour or so FF13 and it really is just like Spoony and Yahtzee say, they just fling completely random shit at you and you are just supposed to know.

      But the horror that they don’t tell you is that there is ABSOLUTELY NO GAMEPLAY for the first hour. NONE. AT ALL. I couldn’t believe it. The first hour of fighting is just you bashing the X button and taking a healing potion when your health gets low. There are no choices, decisions or anything; the game is basically playing itself (I won’t even reference The Corridor). And apparently the fights level up your gear but not your character. So the fighting is almost entirely pointless too.

      Wait, I take it back. There is gameplay, if you consider avoiding fights to be gameplay. I did learn that through a complex set of baiting, faking, and juking I could get around some bad guys and avoid another tedious and boring fight. There were intense moments where my friend was all “you won’t dodge this one, oh, uh, he’s gonna get you OH, you got away. Last second damn it.”

      So yea, get ready to suffer through an hour of the most insufferable fighting ever. But apparently it gets good later on.

    • James Hinds

      The first and last five hours are, indeed, hilariously bad, but I actually genuinely liked the chemistry between Lightning and Hope and wound up kinda liking the game overall. It’s a video game opera, not an RPG. Understand that going in and you might like it, too.

  • James Hinds

    Not one of Spoony’s better videos. This is FF XIII: you don’t need to descend into montages which go on three times too long or nitpicks like “we killed the soldiers!”

    How many Shinra soldiers did we kill in FF VII? How many FF games have ridiculous monster designs? That’s what I thought.

    And the montages make the story really, really hard to follow.

    Look, I kinda liked XIII, but I’ll be the first to admit there’s plenty wrong with it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I would prefer the videos to be a realistic review first, and then feature Spoony’s signature reaction for things which actually call for it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/infit4 Nick Godbout

      Spoiler Alert: The story is mind-smashingly hard to follow even when it’s laid out in front of you bare-bones sans montage. Check the wikipedia page. It sums up the story rather succinctly in a few paragraphs and it STILL makes almost no sense whatsoever.

    • RightousMan

      I agree with you on the monsters being just more crazy shit as in all FF games. Though I think what he was pointing out was that its kind of ridiculous to only guard a strategically important resource with a few slimes with some flash lights on their heads. I mean, it makes all the food for the entire nation.. yeah I’d guard it with missiles and guns.

      I had a point to try and make about Shinra soldiers being similar to cocoon soldiers and that they are not all stormtroopers but in war their are casualties because one or both sides are being lied to or brainwashed or filled with propaganda, but I am just to tired to try and figure it out.

    • http://www.facebook.com/luisgustavo.ribeiroolivera Luis Gustavo Ribeiro Olivera

      Shinra Soldiers never really seen as guards protecting the people. They were really like stormtroopers opressing the people living on those Shinra dominated cities. Shinra was more of an Evil Empire in war with the world and the soldiers were never shown as anything but evil pawns.

      The Guards in FFXIII actually question the orders they get because they could hurt the people and they hunt and exile people they think are really dangerous. And some of them actually are, since Lightning agree that maybe their mission is to destroy their world.

      FFXII do it better, actually, since they portray the soldiers of a invading country as concerned people, even though they’re villains to the people being invaded.

      And the truth is, they could just runaway with the Shiva Motorcycle and, instead, they choose to kill every guard there, for no real reason.

      Well… About the monsters, yeah, I think Spoony must have forgotten the tons of ridiculous monster designs in old FFs. FFVI, which I think is his favorite, have some of the most absurd enemies ever. It’s part of the series.

      • http://www.facebook.com/lina.jones.142 Lina Jones

        It might be the difference between 2-D pixel drawings and trying to render a full 3-D equally weird looking critter.

      • James Hinds

        Well, let me point out that “winning the encounter” does not a murder make. How many times do we fight Biggs and Wedge in VIII? And at the end of the game they’re just fine. Heck, we fight Fujin and Raijin twice, and they’re not even visibly injured afterward.

        And on that note, how is a GF supposed to join your party if you murdered it?

        The one FF game I feel comfortable saying there’s killing involved with is FF Tactics because there’s a death counter to revive a KO’ed character in. Given Tactic’s story, murder and death makes perfect sense.

        I do understand what Spoony’s going for. Fundamentally he’s got the same kind of stylized presence FF used to be famed for. I just wish he’d step back and be a little more fair, that way that way we can get the full variety of his reactions from ambivalent to outraged. As is, he holds the gas down too long and inures the viewer to his anger. When he rants on something which doesn’t really deserve it, it feels kind of out of place.

      • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.mcfarlane.771 Christopher McFarlane

        But in FF7 you go into their barracks in Junon and talk to them and they seem like nice people. Two of them even learn Cloud’s victory pose and want to use it in a real battle. You have the option of not killing them in the last submarine battle.

        You can have an amicable relation with the Turks too, and also have the option of letting them go without confrontation during the Midgar raid.

        The model of ShiRa’s rule depended on convenience and the bottom line. It is suggested President Shinra employed people with low qualifications so the populace would see Shinra as benefactor. Read Rufus’ speech in front of AVALANCHE in the Shinra Building. They also employed military to destroy any focus of resistance against them. They didn’t do evil for evil’s sake. They did good and evil for money’s sake.

  • capthavic

    I can sorta see what they are going for, the Fal’cie are testing humans to see what they do…but still why give them a time limit and turn them either into monsters or crystals (neither of which seems very appealing to me) depending on whether they “succeed” or not at completing a goal they have nothing but a hazy image to go by.

    Bottom line it’s just bad writing because both the player and the characters have no clue what to do, how to do it, or anything! There is just so much stuff that makes no sense and isn’t explained or not well enough.

  • TrashMan

    Great as ever Spoony.

    But I do say – why are the forums run like a prison camp?

    • wizzbang

      Probably because a lot of his fans are hate-filled, entitled pricks. Which means the rest of us have to endure draconian measures.

      • Aaron Kerr

        The guy writing forty posts telling Spoony to die in the part 5 video springs to mind. That man needs help.

  • Erica Smith

    ‘You’re the one she meant’ What does that mean? I missed something in all this nonsense.

    • Joana Eme

      Late reply, sorry.

      It was from the time Hope’s mother died. Her last words were “Get him home.”, but she never said who that person was.

  • kamrom dechu

    To be fair, the fight to turn Cecil into a paladin in 4 has you do nothing. fighting gets you killed. Same with Gogo in 5.

    …Of course thats forgivable because those games arent stupid, and well… neither actually tells you in any way what to do. FFXIII seems happy to lie to you.

    • KaneGreyfeather

      The Gogo fight DOES tell you what to do, but not in a way that treats you like an idiot.

      As soon as you start the fight (Or maybe it was in dialogue just before it, I don’t recall) you’re told to mimic exactly what Gogo does. Then he doesn’t do anything.

  • http://www.facebook.com/desmond.y.sparrs Desmond Rory Sparrs

    it must be hard to be Spoony, obsessing over these shitty games… I do enjoy watching these as I blame my defective executive functions not being able to do anything better with my time. TBH its a fantasy-game, anything goes really. And a lot of the things Spoony picks on in this game, we accepted in the older games(being able to massacre giant things with medieval swords etc etc). Im glad that I dropped my interest in FF after Crisis Core(last thing in the FF-series I thought was awesome to play).

    • http://www.facebook.com/desmond.y.sparrs Desmond Rory Sparrs

      also, didnt the art-designer Tetsuya Nomura write this story? that explains a fucking lot because he likes designing weird things just for the purpose of being weird. thousand belts on a dress for example.

      He wrote this on shrooms, when he was down from that he continued with his cocaine-drive story.

    • SUPERSOUP

      In those earlier games that power level was established with in-universe consistency, like that the characters had special abilities or that such a level of power is common in the world.

      In recent games we just have people that seem like regular jackoffs with seemingly no special training or background or exceptional abilities at all.

      Hate the game, series, and character with a passion btw but Vanille’s English voice is fucking sexy.

  • Roikka

    How do you know Snow is an idiot?

    Eidolon is anchient greek and means mirror or reflection. So yeah, the miror of Snow’s soul is two icy ladies that becomes a motocycle.

  • Jonathan Andersson

    That knife Hope used to try and stab Snow with.

    Why isn’t he using it in battle? It’d be a lot more effective than some dinky boomerang which you’d think that trained soldiers would have no problem of dodging.

    Or Lightning the only one who’s sensible enough (yeah, I couldn’t think that without laughing) to carry some kind of firearm?

    Punching robots to dust and whacking cops to death with sticks is probably a lot of fun for some…deranged people, but it’d be a lot faster to just blast them with guns and rocket launchers.

    • NeroAngelo

      well, Lightning does carry a firearm. she has the best kind of gunblade, one that turns INTO a gun
      as for hope, idk. probably because he prefers to keep his distance and basically plays the mage-roll unless you level grind for HOURS in the last part of the game

  • wizzbang

    No matter how many times I watch this, the “KHAAAN!” and “gay Benzaie” clips always surprise me.

  • Sir Christopher McFarlane

    This is the best part of the FF13 review.

  • Dudley

    Hey, remember that bit in FFVII where Cloud fell from the Mako reactor and woke up in that Church?

    Because the people who wrote this FF do, and they fucking loved it. Loved it!

    • NeroAngelo

      to be fair, we’ve established in-game that before that, he was:
      1). a trained infantryman who can take a SHIT load of damage
      2). someone who’s enhanced with Mako-energy

  • Mikhail Pyrev

    Who played that cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit at the end of the video?

  • Brian Cole

    “I’m not fucking with you, that’s what it says! That’s what it says! Read it! Fucking read it!”

    One of the best lines in Spoony history.

  • Andrew Wysocki

    I was laughing so hard when Spoony explained the Eidolon’s motivation for attacking the player: “Rejoice for we have graced you with our presence…now DIE!!!”
    Don’t worry Spoony, everyone is still behind you in tearing these games apart. Your reasons for criticizing the game are valid! Never change Spoony; your videos are hilarious! =)

  • Foster Davies-Smith

    Rewatching this I realize something. If Spoony had ever posted where his house in then it’s guaranteed that some asshole would knock on his door, hand him a plastic shotgun and a banana and tell him to ‘Hurry the Fuck up, or I’ll kill your fucking family!’

    • TheDapperChangeling

      I would happily be that asshole.

  • TheDapperChangeling

    Something I just realized: (Spoilers for Persona 3)
    Snow and Hope’s WHOLE story is a WAY shittier version of Ken Amada and Shinjiro of P3.
    It’s just the exact same thing!
    Older character is responsible for the death of younger by accident,
    younger wants to kill the older,
    younger joins the party to get close to older.
    The difference is, Shinjiro sacrifices his life to save Ken, and only after his death, Ken forgives him.
    Snow apologizes, and the two just deal with it.

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