Final Fantasy XIII – Part 4

The Spoony One | May 16 2013 | more notation(s) | 

Time to level up and end this hell.

NOTE: Don’t worry, folks, I will review XIII-2, and naturally, I can’t address the events of that game without covering the endgame of XIII. Don’t worry that the “ragequit” ending was the end of FF13. Basically I was trying to illustrate that THAT was the exact point where I quit the game in real life.

  • James Torres

    You are awesome!

  • magnusk_98

    Oh yeah, Doctor Insano. More detailed thoughts after I’ve seen it. :)

    … not available in Germany on Youtube. -.-

  • Timo Wienekamp

    Not viewable from Germany though, dunno what’s up with that.

    • UmmonTL

      It’s thanks to Sony Music Entertainment (SME) and their automated song recognition shit. They say that the video contains their music and because the GEMA at one point forced youtube to take down some songs, now they take down everything without question as long as the GEMA is mentioned. You can still view it with ProxTube and similar addons but it is quite annoying.

  • Roman Monaghan

    Before anyone goes: “well that’s how it is in ALL JRPGs! No one ever comments on the rampent death they cause with random battles and never effects their character!”

    Tales of Abyss. Y’all shut the fuck up.

    • LightningFarron19

      Tales of the Abyss was screwed up with it’s Cloning business.

  • Zach Terveer

    Oh wow, the best part of this video is probably the fact that this is the point of the game where I gave up and said that it wasn’t worth playing anymore myself.

    • Ross Gibson

      Same here, I hoped that Spoony would finish the review so I could learn what happens. Oh well.

  • Jacob Wilson Brody

    Okay Spoony I’m calling you out, you need to warn a guy before you go saying things like “banana peel filled with hobo cum”. I was drinking hot coffee which I nearly spilled after hearing that shit. LOL

  • Brian Arkle Webber

    In all honesty, the Insano bit ran a bit too long.

    • Zach Terveer

      Nah, it would only have ran too long if he began applying the mysterious ooze to a shark.

      • Amesang

        Don’t give him ideas…

    • Jerry Forbe

      In all honesty, I didn’t see it coming when he applied all that ooze. Had me laughing, and I’m serious when I say a lot of the jokes were really unexpected.

    • Reza Stephen Lustig

      If you ask me, the Crystarium bit ran on WAY too long. It left him no time to deal with the game’s plot.

      • Tony Molock

        i dont think he wanted to deal with the plot.

    • magnusk_98

      Objection! No Doctor Insano skit can be too long, they are all too short!

  • Erlend Kristoffer Schjelderup

    I love the Day of The Tentacle references.

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    Spoony, are you fucking stupid? Because I think you are. Sure, you made SOME good jokes about this game but most of the time you just bitched and moaned about this game without even looking at the characters properly like Sazh having a good sense of humanity or Snow being an asshole when Lightning apologised.

    You missed some of the other good stuff in this game like Fang wanting to look at Lightning’s breasts or the fact Jihl Nabaat resembles Quistis, a character from FFVIII you got a boner from at first sight!

    What the fuck makes YOU think how RPGs should be done? Guess what, Mass Effect lets you make your weapons better but there are better versions of that weapon. Double Fuckin’ Standard!

    HOW the flying fuck is the Crysterium in XIII-2 worse? It’s let you CHOOSE what ability you want!

    You ignorant bastard! Just stop playing Final Fantasy XIII, ignore it’s sequels and move on!

    • Jerry Forbe

      Jump off a cliff for me :D

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        How about all you haters jump off instead.

        • Jerry Forbe

          I go bungee jumping in my spare time :P so I guess its safe to say I jump off plenty of cliffs.

    • Jake Oakley

      I just love that both the examples you used to illustrate how good this game is involve the sex appeal of the female characters. Fuck all that gameplay and story shit, the REAL marker of quality is the number of opportunities to objectify women! I need simple gameplay so I can play the game with my non-jerking hand!

      • Michael Wills

        Why do you think they included Auto-Battle

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        I’m not trying to sexist, I’m just wishing Spoony would find a few good aspects in XIII. He already got lusty over Quistis in VIII, Lulu in X and Paine in X-2. I’m just find this review to be far too pessimistic.

        • Ross Gibson

          The game is a shit sandwich, where the bread is also shit. Seriously, 20 hours before it gets good? I made it to that vaulted area of the “good” part of the game, and I traded it almost immediately, because the good part of the game, was so god damned boring. It was more of the same, all over again.

    • John Crane

      I think that you take too many banana peel filled with hobo cum

    • dacis2

      I can swap my gun/armour upgrades into a new gun/armour in Mass Effect. I don’t think you can recover the resources spent on upgrading your weapons in FF XIII

    • Tony Molock

      the whole point of these reviews is to show people that final fantasy is bad and you know this but yet you keep on playing. how about you let him rant about the game to his real fans and go watch something else

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        I never called myself a fan of Spoony.

        • Tony Molock

          so why in the name of all that is holy WATCHING HIS VIDEOS AND BEING A TROLL. being a troll and a fan of spoony is one thing. but hating him watching his videos AND YELLING AT HIM like its his fault is dumber than this game

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Don’t you get it? You, Spoony and everyone else who hates Final Fantasy XIII are the vocal majority. There are people who like XIII but there a silent minority whose love for the game aren’t being put the test. You are a loud violent irrational army so you all make IMPOSSIBLE for me to just simply watch helplessly and say nothing. Someone has to let people know that there are people like Final Fantasy XIII and I feel I’m that person but there are people like me who think Spoony’s review is as poorly conceived as an Irate Gamer video.

          • Tony Molock

            i get your point that there is a minority that likes this game. i dont see whats wrong with it. but the entire point of these videos is for a. entertainment.and b. games now and from his childhood that he goes and plays to show us how they tormented him. he is not forcing his opinion on us. he states this several times in different reviews. the style of these videos is too sound like a irate gamer. its funny, at least to us. you dont have to listen to him. he just states his opinion reviews a game or movie and lets you decide if you want to play it or not. if you really wanted to get the side that supports final fantasy 13 or whatever. review the game yourself. if you have a laptop that has a webcam use that, instead of raging in the comments section that people will more than likely skip or never see.

          • Miguel Aurelio Méndez Morales

            “You are a loud violent irrational army”

            “Spoony, are you fucking stupid? Because I think you are”

            “What the fuck makes YOU think how RPGs should be done?”

            “You ignorant bastard! Just stop playing Final Fantasy XIII, ignore it’s sequels and move on!”

            You tripped with your own words. There is a difference between discussing an opinion and just having nerd rage. We take on this game, not for catharsis(most of us), but because we know that this franchise or even JRPGs in general can be better. Golden Sun came out years before this for the GBA and it let you travel, explore, and had a neat story to tell.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Nerd… rage? I’m angry because I wanted Final Fantasy XIII to be a game I could talk to people about, instead, there’s nothing but verbal abuse and sheer hatred as if this game was worse than Hitler.

            What this is to me is like going to a nice village only for it be a destroyed by a thousand-headed dragon and I’m just a naive and poorly equipped knight running to his certain doom.

            Wait a minute, isn’t people raging over his reviews the reason why Spoony got into all this in the first place? It all started with VIII but for some reason, XIII-fans are supposedly non-existent because apparently EVERYONE hates XIII and anyone who doesn’t are simply lying to themselves as if not the game is badly executed but it’s aesthetics are a sin to begin with. Anything that seems positive like strong females are quickly seen as the worst creations in existence.

          • Miguel Aurelio Méndez Morales

            You know what you can do in order to shut us, the legion game taste raper that we are? Make a positive review of the game. Point out the good aspects and what flaws can be corrected. Yes, people not liking your game can spoil your game experience, but you can also grow up and pay no mind to them. If you get upset to the reaction of some jerk have over something you like, you’ll never be happy. Why do we pick on this game in particular? Well, it has nothing that we liked in any previous installments, or even any other jrpg. The plot makes 0 sense, the characters are meh and it’s just a damn hallway! What roll can I play if I’m always moving in a straight line?(gameplay and story wise). Plus, don’t cry for the sake of this game, it has it’s own trilogy!

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Well I COULD try write a review for XIII but I can’t do a video because I don’t have the equipment AND I hate hearing my own recorded.

            At least now Versus XIII has become XV and KHIII so I guess Square-Enix (or at least Tetsuya Nomura) has finally, as you all wanted, moved on, moved on to something greater because after seeing the new trailer, it looks something XIII SHOULD have been this whole. It looks linear but makes up for with loads of stuff going on, kinda like Uncharted.

            Perhaps this may mean “I” can finally move from this “Lightning Saga” because XIII-2 buttfucked XIII’s mythos and Lightning Returns has descent into madness.

            Let’s all hope now that Nomura will succeed where Toriyama and Kitase failed. Who knows, maybe Nomura will become the true successor to Sakaguchi and XV will be Nomura’s Magnum Opus like how Sakaguchi sees IX.

            I hope XV will be good so I can talk to people about it without arguing or raging.

          • Miguel Aurelio Méndez Morales

            And I hope that people accept it and move on to something more meaningful, like lynching microsoft for… well, being microsoft…

            You see, we can get to a point of understanding once we start talking about these issues instead of going in King of the Hill battle, TF2 style where you pick a side, a weapon and kill everything that has a different color than yours; also hitting on your own people to spycheck them(troll-check). All I can say is… New times are coming, we better hope for the best.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            I think hardly anyone thought XIII was going to be overhyped because it was mainline FF rather than an experimental spin-off, in fact, before XIII was released, how did we really know about the game? Nearly all the trailers we show was just trailer fuel with beautiful yet connected scenery and random dramatic scenes. What was it that Square-Enix didn’t want to show?

            Another reason people should’ve been more sceptical was it’s director Motomu Toriyama of X-2 infamy. The best thing Toriyama did was Cloud crossdressing but that’s because Sakaguchi would nail his feet to the ground but Kitase was obviously more passive like a mother allowing her son to eat whatever he wants rather give him a proper diet.

            With all that said, we should be careful about XV by analysing what the story might be about, look at Nomura’s history of how tells his stories and wait for a playable demo.

            Next time if we hear Motomu Toriyama will be making a new game, say to yourself “This is gonna suck.” in the same sense as watching a trailer for The Hangover Part III.

            While I don’t entirely hate Final Fantasy XIII, the game itself, I DO hate it’s director and producer.

    • Colin Snow

      You want to bring Mass Effect into this?

      Mass Effect didn’t keep you on a plot railroad.
      Mass Effect didn’t have you level up using a Sphere Grid.
      Mass Effect had a cohesive story in each game.

      The maker of the game is quoted as saying that having an open world for the player to explore ruins the game. That’s a load of bull. It’s not hard to have an open world and tell a story.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        A few more open enviroments would have been nice but it seems most games are sandboxes nowadays.

        • Daniel Broome

          Guess what. There’s a reason most games are sandbox these days. Because it’s stupid and lazy not to unless it’s a core essential that improves the gameplay.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        I only brung up the weapon upgrade system, that’s all.

        If you really wanna bring Mass Effect as a whole into this, I only have this valid counter-argument, Mass Effect 3’s ending because at least Lightning told a godlike creature to fuck off while Shepard took up all the Catalyst’s bullshit up the ass like a prison bitch.

        • Daniel Broome

          The difference being that no one is defending the terrible story points in Mass Effect and there was a huge fan backlash against that weak writing.

        • Colin Snow

          So you would have rather that Shepard what? Just walk away? Kill the Catalyst?


          If Shepard walked away, the Reapers succeed.

          If Catalyst dies, which I don’t see how it can because there were no visible means to do so, the Reapers would probably assimilate humanity.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Shepard should have been defiant against this last minute deus ex machina AND defeat the Reapers. Hell, the Catalyst could’ve been written off, Shepard could’ve activated the cannon, which would destroy every damn Reaper. Simple as that. If it were Lightning in that position, she would’ve told the Catalyst to fuck off and that she would control her own fate.

    • MaX Mpesiris

      If it’s true that Spoony missed some good opportunities for a joke (I haven’t played the game, so I don’t know), then….I will agree, that was such a waste!

      Maybe the game was just so painful that Spoony wanted to get over with as fast as possible and he didn’t even think “W8 a minute, oh damn, I forgot to mention this. Oh, and this, I had such a good joke for this one.”

      Or maybe, it’s because Spoony isn’t an actual reviewer, he is more of an entertainer!

      A good reviewer would try his best to not get blinded by his hate for the game!

      “What the fuck makes YOU think how RPGs should be done?”

      Dude, it’s just an opinion!Calm down!

      And to be honest, it’s a very legitimate one!

      This game takes away almost all if not all choices from the player and forces him into a certain direction without any alternatives!

      I’m surprised it got so many super good scores!

      The lowest one is from teamxbox, and it’s a 5/10 which even this is an ok score!

      • MaX Mpesiris

        Hhhhmmmm, now that I think about it some more, good reviewers don’t necessarily have to spoil all the events of the game, but they can just give a general view of it and their thoughts…so, Spoony might have actually done a good job here…..aaaaaahh….

        …you know what?

        I’m going my way now…XD

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        I think Jim Sterling of Destructoid gave the game a 4/10. XIII-2 got an 8 but it wasb’t reviewed by Jim Sterling.
        I know there were moments in Spoony’s XIII review that made me smile but the overall XIII review series feels so damn cynical like his Ultima IX review and I would hate it if he went on speaking how the old school FF’s defined his childhood and then punch every FF box he can find so people will feel sorry for him again like his Ultima IX review.

        • MaX Mpesiris

          I forgot to say lowest score from the sites that SPOONY mentioned!

          Jim has done a review on this?

          I need to check it out!

        • Ross Gibson

          You know how I know you hate video games, and the people that play them? Because you are defending ultima 9. Would you like to say a few good words about ET while you are at it?

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            I never said I liked Ultima IX or E.T. because those games are atrocious but Final Fantasy XIII is nowhere near as bad as those two, otherwise, it wouldn’t have as large of a fanbase. Have you seen all the XIII fanart, fanfics and cosplays on deviantART?

          • That Darn Alchemist

            Popularity doesn’t equal quality, look at Twilight, The Scary Movie franchise, and any generic harem anime or bloody 90s anime. 13 is pretty and the music is good, but it’s got generic but pretty characters, no exploration, linear as hell gameplay and a half-assed plot that barely explains any of it’s mythos in-game other than datalogs. The only FF product this game resembles is the The Spirits Within and I dare say that at least TSW was honest in the fact that it was a movie AND it was better written. Face it, you were just sucked in by the graphics and thought Lightning was hot. Pretty doesn’t equal good, you know.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            No, you don’t know me well enough to think you can read me like a book. So me educate you on the relationship between me and Final Fantasy.

            So yeah, I feel insulted when Final Fantasy XIII is compared to Twilight and Scary Movie. If it helps, I wasn’t as pleased with XIII-2 and I’m worried that Lightning Returns may end up worse.

            I don’t hate the game, just it’s director and publisher.

            I wasn’t into Final Fantasy as much others because I was more into Crash, Spyro, Jak, Ratchet and Tekken. While I was happy with what I played at the time, I was intrigued by Final Fantasy for it’s character designs and it’s title. “Final Fantasy”, an unusual but unique title that sounded much more complex than “Star Wars” or “The Simpsons”.

            I finally wanted to get into FF with XII at the age of 17 but was put off by a review that said the story and characters were bad despite the game getting a 9/10. What’s the point of playing an RPG if the story and characters aren’t good. Why put so much time in if the reward is hollow? While I think XII mightn’t be that bad, I have nothing but regret for missing an opportunity.

            To be honest, when first announced, I was more interested in Versus XIII than XIII because there was more time to soak in what the setting looks as well as it’s atmosphere. XIII was obviously sci-fi but many of the scenes in trailers don’t feel connected, from what I heard, I’m not far from the truth as Toriyama wanted fantastic scenarios first and then build story around them, much like Uncharted 3 but I never as much complaints.

            When XIII finally got released in Japan, PSM3’s import review gave XIII a 6/10 with the same magazine having article titled “The Death of JRPGs” with Lightning’s head photoshoped into a dead body in coffin with a copy of FFXIII. For some reason, something in me just snapped and I snuffed the review along a YouTube ranter having a MILLION views on saying XIII is terrible. A fucking million? Seriously!? No anti-big brand game franchise has never even reached a hundred thousand. Then came all the commenters on kotaku, then gameFAQs, then Bioware, then Screwattack, then Angry Joe and finally Spoony. Apparently, hating Final Fantasy XIII was as popular as the sales Call of Duty gets every year.

            The reviwer that gave XII a 9/10, gave XIII a 6/10. This was all before I bought XIII. I thought to myself “…No. No! Fuck these assholes. I’m not waiting another 3-10 years for a Final Fantasy that has a good story. I’m gonna buy XIII, I’m gonna play and actually be open-minded. Guess what, I actually have VALID reasons to like XIII but to be honest, there WERE things in XIII that pissed me off and my reasons to hate them are different from the rest.

            I like Lightning because she was tough, she gives Snow a good ass-kicking but she selfless enough to help Hope get back home and trusted him with the knife Serah gave her. Lightning actually regretted not believing Serah was a Pulse l’Cie but to me, I understand why she didn’t believe her sister in the first place. Serah was established in the game manual as a smart character so why would go near a Pulse fal’Cie when they’re enemies to Cocoon? Second, Serah was in love a manipulative douchebag twat named Snow, who acts like he knows what he’s talking about. If I were Lightning, I would’ve just killed Snow and Serah, especially since Serah is a big of a twat as Snow in XIII-2. Lightning looked after Hope because she saw him as a reason to keep going and to make up for losing her sister.

            Sazh is also a great character because acted like a human being and was the voice of reason when the rest of party consists of a douchebag, a whiny teen, two psychotic vengeful warriors and a girl who must’ve escaped from a loony bin.

            Fang’s a great character too because she loves fighting, has a better Australian accent than Vanille and showed that Pulse isn’t as bad as the Sanctum claimed.

            Hope was okay, whiny but then again most teens are whiny. He looked up to Lightning but forgot to tell his father that Lightning took care of him most of the time while Snow only looked after Hope in the last minute.

            I hate Vanille because preached about bullshit like “miracles”, the new “midichlorians” to me.

            Snow is a horrible person. He’s just stupid, he wants to force his way of life down the throats of others. Why didn’t Lightning gut him like a troat early the game, I’ll never know.

            I actually liked gameplay with being able to stack up five slots with different abilities (e.g. thundara, thundaga) and I liked the Paradigm Shifts. Linearity was never a problem with me because I’m used to walking a linear path from my homeplace to down the main road.

            I loved the battle theme but I hate Leona Lewis so fucking much. I wished they had the recurring themes in, they did with every other title before.

          • That Darn Alchemist

            I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you didn’t play any of the FFs before 7 and that 13 was probably the first one you actually finished. So, I’ll explain this as simply as possible, since it’s kinda complicated. 6 is the gold standard for FF games and most folks who complain about 13 are those who are used to the storytelling from that era. You know, where the focus was storytelling and not looking cool.

            I actually started late in the series with 9 and worked my way backwards. I couldn’t stand 7 due to it’s horrible translation and the fact that my roommate was a cloud/sephiroth shipper and Squall annoyed me so 8 was out of the question. But 9, I fell in love with that game. I’ve played them all now, but 9 the first FF I finished and the one I’m most fond of, even though 6 has the best story and 7 has the most iconic characters.

            Fans who played the other games in the series have extremely high expectations due the high quality of previous games, but the creator of the FF series Hironobu Sakaguchi resigned after 10-2 and the series has been losing it’s, I guess you could call it charm. The quality took a bit of a dive.11 was a mmo that fans bitched about and 12 had a good story but the gameplay was standard MMO and the world was huge and empty and the license board, dear Hel that license board. 13 is…a playable movie. Fans of the series are used to huge expansive worlds, what they got was the hallway. YOU may not mind linearity, but fans of the other games are bound to hate the hallway. They want a game, not a playable movie and there are other games that do the playable movie thing better. With the hallway the world feels empty, you don’t see what day-to-day life is like for the NPCs. You don’t get a good sense of the world like you would in, say, 9 or 10. In 10 you could see how the villages worked and see the destruction when Sin decimated a place or see what happened to the world after Kefka took over the world you spent the entire game up to that point exploring in 6. Tell me, what is 13’s equivalent to something like that?
            The fighting system didn’t bother me too much, though I still prefer 10s battles. But it is far too easy, there is no challenge. It doesn’t feel like a FF game without a hard as hell optional boss straight out of a megaten boss’ nightmare. Like Ozma.

            Oh, and traditional levling up system> sphere grid>crystarium.

            Many FF fans have played other jrpgs and the characters in 13 come wholesale from the big book of jrpg cliches. Vanille is the cutesy childish character. Fang is the mysterious fighter with a bit of yuri fanservice thrown in. Snow is the dumbass heroic muscle character. Sazh is the smart character with the gun, but he’s done pretty well, like you said, he acted human. Hope is the whiny angsty kid that every jrpg HAS to have. Lightning has her interesting moments, but when you get down to it she’s the stereotypical bad-ass female character. She’s basically Squall with boobs even though she resembles cloud more design wise. Now these stereotypes have been in FF before, but they usually grew beyond the stereotypes, the cast of 13 did not. There never seemed to be any major character development to me, at least not when you compare them to other jrpgs. 9, for example stands out in my mind as every character went through significant character growth, especially Vivi and Steiner.

            The plot of 13 is another problem, nothing is explained properly and datalogs don’t count, you have to read a supplemental book to get the backstory of the game, and the ending is a great big deux ex machina if I ever saw one. Seriously I have so many problems with that ending but this thing is getting too long as it is. So the simplest explanation is, they needed a better writer and 13 was the FF version of style over substance. The developers were too busy trying to look cool and the story and characters suffered for it.

            Oh, and I suppose I can relate to liking a game every fan of a series hates. My first Breath of Fire game is the worst Breath of Fire, Dragon Quarter and even though the other games are better, I will always be fond of it and will always be the pariah of the BoF fandom for loving it as much as I do.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            If it helps, I do own many of the other FF games like I, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX and Dissidia. To me, Steiner is kinda like Lightning because they hate rebellious upbeat blondes (Zidane and Snow) except there’s a bit of Yosmite Sam within Steiner the way he always jumps up and down in anger. Makes me wish Lightning chased Snow and he climbed up a tree but gets his pants ripped off in the process.

            What I don’t get is why the Final Fantasy games with sci-fi elements always beat the worst beating from fans? Steampunk is technically sci-fi, not fantasy.

            Perosnally, I think X-2 is the worst by default for it’s shitty girly j-pop and lobotomising Yuna and Rikku.

            As for the the JRPG stereotype thing, I think Snow only ended not only being a dumbass but he’s probably the most evil character in the game. He expects everyone to obey him without question. When Lightning said sorry, instead of apoligising back for his fault, he wanted to milk it for her real name. What an asshole. I would love to see Lightning stab Snow in the gut and tear his insides out in a gorey fashion.

            One thing that does piss me off about IX is Zidane’s “You don’t need a reason to help people.” line. Umm… YES YOU DO! It doesn’t matter if the reason is selfish or selfless, good or evil or whatever, everyone’s need a reason to anything at all. I wish Final Fantasy would be free from the shackles of all that whimsical bullshit and Motomu Toriyama.

            If anything, Final Fantasy XIII should be rebooted, start all over again but with a better director, more time, a better story and declare XIII and it’s sequels non-canon but keep the aesthetics of the original.

          • Ross Gibson

            Personally I think Final Fantasy should be put to bed. It has had a good run, but it is an old boy, wearing thin around the elbows. I would love to see another AAA Mana game made. Hell even a re imagining of Secret of Mana 1, and 2, along with Legend. There was a series square treated with respect… Right up until the PS3 came out, and they still created a ps2 title.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            I’m sorry but I refuse to give up until we finally get Final Fantasy Agito, Versus XIII/FFXV and maybe even a HD version of XII and a 3DS remake of VI, THEN the series will then earn it’s right to rest, just no more shitty tablet games because they suck.

            I’m not sure how mainstream media will react to see forgotten IP like Mana or Chrono but there are IP out there that deserve to be hanged for over-saturating the market with dull grey military spunkgargleweewee.

          • Ross Gibson

            Ironically that is my point, FF has just been flogged to death. The style of combat also needs to be retired. there is no reason for what boils down to a glorified game of roshambo to be a core game mechanic. Now I could see having an adventure team manager kind of deal, where you have no control at all over combat, and in between battles you have to tweak AI and items, but for the most part an action/adventure RPG is more fun. Secret of Mana, has more entertainment value on a nes cart, then 13 has on blu ray, simply by having a better system.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            I just can’t accept the idea for the FF franchise needing to go out with a whimper and end on a weak note. I won’t give up.

            There are bigger franchise that should just be beating to death with a shovel and have their graves pissed on but I’ll not said which ones.

          • Ross Gibson

            If FF was a pet, I would put it down, it has been suffering for years, first showing signs of trouble with 10-2, then 11. By 12 it was almost looking like it would get better, but it took a nose dive into critical with 13 and is nearly flat lining with 13-2. I think it would be best to retire the name, since most gamers I know will not buy anything with FF to the name, because of these last few years of its life. Of course, ymmv, but in the end, It may be a better financial move to try to revive a “Nostalgia” licence, or to try to create a brand new IP.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            No. Just… no. You can’t condemn Final Fantasy’a whole future on the sins of the few? Doesn’t Ito and Nomura have any saying? Are you saying Motomu Toriyama represents how everyone in Square-Enix wants Final Fantasy to go?

            I didn’t get into Final Fantasy until late in. I wanted to get XII but a reviewer who said the story and characters were bad, despite a 9/10, put me off from getting it. You’re not gonna bully me out of this franchise, you nostalgia-blinded freak. I miss the old Spyro games but I actually like Skylanders nonetheless.

            Why should XIII be the one to be beating to death by haters and yet IX gets the best blowjobs of it’s life despite being as practically insulting towards one’s own intelligence. I think Zidane’s an asshole for thinking that we don’t need reasons. “You don’t always need a reason to help people.” Is Zidane fucking joking me? You DO need a reason. Living without a reason the same as being dead.

            Besides, there are franchise that are at their “prime” but I want to suffer a slow and painful death and die screaming in pain.

            A new IP? There’s loads of new IP out there? Why are you looking for Square to make a new one when there’s LOADS out there?

          • Ross Gibson

            I am not condemning final fantasy on the sins of a few. I am condemning Final Fantasy based on a decade of poor performance and square fucking it up. 13 deserves to be beaten up because with the mistakes made from 8 on, they should know better by now.

            Also, if you hate 9 as much as you do, then you would agree, that for 7 whole games in a row, 8 if you remember to include 14, Final Fantasy is disappointing. You can not call me Nostalgia blinded if you have to look back to the 90’s to find a game worth playing in the series. That makes over half of the series, disappointing. Also, many people loath 8, which puts the total shitty games to 9 for some.

            This is not a matter of nostalgia, but a matter of giving the dead horse a break. Hell maybe the writers are just burnt out, and they need to slow down. As far as a new IP. Yes a new fucking IP, of course there are new ones comming out all the time, because some people are not afraid of change, as well, apart from the “2s”, each game is stand alone with very loose style elements keeping them together. Each one could be its own IP and we would barely notice, much like how each Studio Ghibli film, while stylistically similar, is its own IP.

            If they want, they need to make a real final fantasy, one more do or die project, just like the first one. Fun fact, the name was coined because, if FF1 flopped, it would have killed Squeenix. Well I say if they want, but really, I know a 15 would not be any good, concidering Square soft’s track record to this point.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            But there WERE good games in the past decade like Crystal Chronicles, Dissidia, Crisis Core and Theatrythym, plus you said XII was the going on the right direction.

            Final Fantasy is just a name, none of the worlds are connected and thus open for different settings and stories, it’s not because the writers is out of ideas but rather who was in charge of a particular project.

            I imagine if Square showed off a new IP at E3 instead of Final Fantasy, it won’t sell and no FF fan would give a toss. I certainly don’t give a shit about Hyperdemsion Neptunia for it’s moe cliches.

            I’m not nostalgia-blinded because I’m not rage over a game that has a character I know and not have it play like the older titles.

            The FFs I consider the worst is X-2 by default for it’s shitty J-pop and dumb whores, XIII-2 because it forgot about AMPs/Manadrives in favour of magical coming naturally and Serah being a twat and every single tablet device game, especially ATB for being a scam. Aside those tripes, I don’t much wrong going on.

            I imagine Versus XIII will become XV and after that, Square will then have the right to fuck it up by giving it to Bioware or Ninja Theory, both who would obviously give fans the middle finger on purpose.

          • Ross Gibson

            Honestly, I would love square to this day if they stuck to fucking things up on the scale of Bioware or Ninja Thoery, instead of fucking things up on the much grander scale of well… Squaresoft.

            Hell even cutting funding from FF anything and putting it towards getting out Kingdom Hearts 3 would be a move gurenteed to make all the money, but nope, lets hack out another shitty JRPG.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Who said Lightning Returns will be shitty? Have you PLAYED the game yourself?

    • elconrado

      “HOW the flying fuck is the Crysterium in XIII-2 worse? It’s let you CHOOSE what ability you want!”

      Because the entire proceedings are an illusion.

      Instead of having each job’s progression be represented by their own line, ALL classes are represented by the same one. The nodes are irrelevant to the abilities and stats gained.

      An the “choice” of abilities when you fill a crystarium level is also just perception. You get three choices of abilities based on each job’s level, until you have all abilities.

      So, it’s basically the same as before, but made worse for their bad attempts at deception.

    • Gregory Bogosian

      “You missed some of the other good stuff in this game like Fang wanting to look at Lightning’s breasts” (Initiate sarcasm). Yes, because suggested lesbianism is always a positive in a video game regardless of context as long as both characters involved are physically attractive. It does not matter if it has any bearing on the plot or the gameplay, or if the writers actually use it to give one or both parties any character or not, because all that matters is that the heterosexual males and gay or bisexual females in the player base be sexually aroused. (Terminate sarcasm).

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Ever heard of “shipping”? A lot of people support FLight.

        • That Darn Alchemist

          Ugh, a popular ship is rule 63 cloud with an exaggerated Squall personality and a character so cliché that I can literally name 100 characters just like her off the top of my head. Well, they’re attractive so I guess even being lazily written doesn’t discourage the shippers and yuri fanboys.

          Shipping is the worst part of any fandom. Seriously, you can’t get into
          anything without hearing whining from folks who want validation for their ship or even sending nasty letters or threats to the creators because the canon ship wasn’t their OTP. Arguments over which couples are better are hilarious to watch at best and escalate to cyber attacks, convention attacks, and death threats at worst. They take up pages and pages of forums that could be dedicated to more relevant discussions such as plot hole filling or actual character discussion. Nothing brings an intelligent discussion to a halt quicker than shipping. Yaoi and Yuri ships are the absolute worst when it comes to this, though admittedly yaoi fangirls are a bit more dangerous while yuri fanboys are mostly just punchably irritating.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Have you not noticed every single damn shitty heterosexual romantic comedy poster with Serah Jessica Parker, Hugh Grant, Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler?

            Let yaoi and yuri fans have their yaoi and yuri. I’m sure there are yaoi fanboys and yuri fangirls.

          • That Darn Alchemist

            Yaoi fanboys and Yuri fangirls exist, but they are in the minority. Generally, Yaoi artists are female and Yuri artists are male and the fandom is the same way, overlap is very rare unless a specialty product is made. For every 100 yuri fanboy there is probably 5 yuri fangirls tops.
            I get just as annoyed at heterosexual shipping actually. I’m part of many fandoms, have been since the late 90s and I can’t stand shipping period. Can’t be part of the MLP or Touhou fandoms without yuri shipping wars, can’t get into any show with more than two guys without being part of a yaoi shipping war, can’t get into anything like Harry Potter or Avatar:The Last Airbender or a shoujo series without hearing how the original author is ‘wrong’ for their canon pairing. Like I said, shipping is the worst part of the fandom. But, for some reason the yaoi and yuri fans are more obnoxious and aggressive, especially at cons. I like yaoi and yuri as a concept, but shipping can die in a fire.
            FLight is just yuri fanboys shipping two cliche characters together because they’re hot. There’s nothing grand about it and it’s just an excuse to draw sexy doujins.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Really? Because they are ones on deviantART who ship the two character not simply because they’re both female, some of the shippers are girls.

            In fact, I might as well copy and paste what I explained to another person why people like to ship the two NON-generic characters.

            Aside the fact they’re both female (especially how Fang interacts with Vanille), Lightning and Fang are opposite to each other with Lightning being an uptight officer from Cocoon and Fang is a free-spirited amazon from Pulse. It’s kind of entertaining how they clash with other in conversations like how Fang likes to push Lightning’s buttons out of badness.

            All the fan comics and doujins of FLight I’ve seen are either about Fang messing around with Lightning (one has them swapping bodies) or if one comforts the other and vice-versa. Plus they can both hold their hold on.

            Believe me, I think people who watch MTV reality shows and play nothing but Madden, Halo, Call of Duty and Gears of War significantly worse.

        • Gregory Bogosian

          Why do a lot of people support FLight?

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Why would people support Cloud and Sephiroth? Why ship Ciel and Sebastian? Why ship Thor and Loki? Why ship ponies?

          • Gregory Bogosian

            That is irrelevant.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Then why people like certain characters in XIII is irrelevant too. If you call FLight supporters stupid, then what’s stopping from calling other shippings stupid? What makes a certain type of fan think he’s better then another? Because they like a certain game he doesn’t like? “How dare they for liking a game I don’t like!”

          • Gregory Bogosian

            I am not saying that FLight shippers are stupid. I am just saying that I do not get the appeal of it, or shipping in general. So I need someone to explain it to me.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Well I guess I can give it a try. Aside the fact they’re both (especially how Fang interacts with Vanille), Lightning and Fang are opposite to each other with Lightning being an uptight officer from Cocoon and Fang is a free-spirited amazon from Pulse. It’s kind of entertaining how they clash with other in conversations like how Fang likes to push Lightning’s buttons out of badness.

            All the fan comics and doujins of FLight I’ve seen are either about Fang messing around with Lightning (one has them swapping bodies) or if one comforts the other and vice-versa. Plus they can both hold their hold on.

        • Markus Criticus

          I heard of shipping. still fail to see how in the fuck is that supposed to make the game better and not make you look as horny idiot.

          I mean, if they actualy have them in a relationship, fuck suggestions, if they actually had a romance sub-plot with them, that could make for a good romance I guess, but who cares if there is shipping? That doesn’t make the story better and if anything else, it only makes developers look as either losers who need cheap gimick to make people buy the game, or cowards for not going full way.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Goddammit, do I have to repeat myself!?

            Aside the fact they’re both female (especially how Fang interacts with Vanille), Lightning and Fang are opposite to each other with Lightning being an uptight officer from Cocoon and Fang is a free-spirited amazon from Pulse. It’s kind of entertaining how they clash with other in conversations like how Fang likes to push Lightning’s buttons out of badness.

            All the fan comics and doujins of FLight I’ve seen are either about Fang messing around with Lightning (one has them swapping bodies) or if one comforts the other and vice-versa. Plus they can both hold their hold on.

            Believe me, I think people who watch MTV reality shows and play nothing but Madden, Halo, Call of Duty and Gears of War significantly worse.

    • GeekyDragonGirl

      You know, I LOVED Final Fantasy VIII and Final Fantasy X, but I admit they have flaws and even when Spoony ragged on the things I liked about the games, I didn’t do the internet equivalent of flailing around acting like a petulant child. I chuckled at the good jokes and thought about the criticism. It’s nice to hear a different opinion than your own, it builds character, fuels intelligent debate, and keeps you from going too far up your own ass. Nothing is perfect after all. Oh, and just because the review didn’t go the way YOU wanted it to doesn’t mean it’s a bad review. It just means he saw things differently. Let’s all try to be adults.

      But then, you seem to take any criticism towards this deeply flawed (yet admittedly gorgeous looking) game as a personal insult.

      • Stephen Mc Devitt

        Well I wanted XIII to be better than it actually is but I wanted it be a game loved by many so I can discuss it with them but then again I’ve been discussing more about XIII then games I love that most people love too like Okami and Red Dead Redemption.

        • GeekyDragonGirl

          Liking a game that everyone seems to hate is very hard sometimes. I remember getting into tons of arguments in school back in 2000 because I adored Legend of Dragoon. Every gamer in my school either absolutely loved that game or hated it because ‘It’s a ripoff of Final Fantasy VII.’ To this day that line grinds my gears because the argument is based on hair color and common RPG plot outlines like the doomed hometown and the childhood friend romance. But, I digress.
          Spoony is a comedy reviewer, his job is to nitpick the crap out of stuff for the entertainment of all. It’s best to just chuckle when he criticizes the bad stuff and shrug it off when you don’t agree. Getting angry and calling him a bastard just brings trolls to the fan’s mind. Being calm(ish), rational, and a bit snarky instead of outright angry is really the best policy. Lively debates are fun, mudslinging is not (unless you’re slinging actual mud in the real world.)

          Honestly, the thing that piss me off about XIII is the complete lack of effort where it counts. There was a good game there, but nobody brought it out. The lack of basic story structure and the use of common character cliches instead of fully realized characters. It’s like they only focused on graphics, then gameplay, then story and characters which is not how it should be. I was always taught that development should be gameplay, then story and characters, and THEN graphics because graphics are good for drawing in customers, but there will be no interest in your game once it looks dated, but fun gameplay or an excellent story keeps fans coming back. There is nothing worse to me than wasted potential and the potential wasted in XIII is staggering. The characters have the potential to be great instead of just passable with a few standouts and the backstory and basic plot of XIII has enough juice for multiple games in the right hands. While playing I saw many areas that would be fun to explore and an airship that I could never use. It’s like the game is waving it’s toys in front of the player screaming ‘nyeh nyeh, it’s mine, you can’t have it because you’d break it’. So, Instead we got the game we got and then XIII-2 which has it’s own problems to say the least.

          Never played Red Dead Redemption, but Okami and Okamiden are in my top ten favorite games.

  • Roman Monaghan

    Oh my god the Dr Insano bit almost made me puke xD

    • Jerry Forbe

      Puke laughter and tears?

    • sbkMulletMan

      Good, pour those gut-chunks onto your kitchen knives and turn them into unstoppable doomsday devices! You’ll be invincible from the comfort of your very own home!

    • Jamvaan

      Truly Dr.Insanos crowning hour, heaving stomach contents covered in god knows what.

  • Alex (Pokelefi)

    Sadly the youtube Video is blocked in Germany so I had to use to watch it

    but good video well I always heard that the FF games are so great but you eares my regret that I couldn’t play them because I never had the gaming system for them

    • Robert Riter

      The video is also blocked for me.

      I am in Los Angeles!

  • Jake Oakley

    I’m saving that quote about innovation and bacon milkshakes. I have a feeling it’ll be relevant at some point in my life.

    • Gregory Bogosian

      It will probably be relevant if you ever eat at Denny’s, since I think that Denny’s actually serves bacon milkshakes.

  • insanoludacrous

    When I heard that Spoony was going to review FF VIII I was half tempted to buy the game and play it through just so I could see for myself the accuracy of everyone’s reviews. After watching this through im glad I saved my money. this looks more painful to sit through than Spoony even let on.

  • Reza Stephen Lustig


    I’m REALLY gonna hate myself in the morning (so to speak) for writing this, but I gotta be totally honest: This review left me feeling more than a bit cold.

    I primarily attribute this to pacing and structure, however. Spoony has spent more than half the review, essentially bitching about the TECHNICAL aspects of the game, and devoting precious little time to ranting about the plot. His reviews of FFX and FFVIII were so great because they followed the plot primarily, and went off at tangents to address technical issues. Here, that formula has been inverted, which is not a change for the better.

    I understand that he hates this game more than is healthy for any human being to hate anything, but I can’t help but feel disappointed. That’s it? He’s built this game, and its review, up to be like the pinnacle of shittiness we’ve all been waiting for, waiting to see Spoony battle his way through the infuriating plot to the final battle against Orphan (and I know for a fact that Spoony has seen the ending, via twitter), and a final confrontation with Sephiroth/The Guardian for the fate of the world and his sanity…

    And it all ends with an unceremonious ragequit?

    It sounds really entitled to say, but I expected a conclusion somewhat more epic.

    Granted, I am operating on the assumption that this is NOT Spoony jerking us around and making us wait for one final part. A guy can wish…

    • Tripuru

      I think he’s done with it. If the twitter was any indication.

      • Reza Lustig

        Well I sure hope he isn’t going to flake out of XIII-2. He owes us an epic conclusion to this meta-over-arching plot thingy with Sephiroth and the Guardian he’s set up.

        • Dante

          He doesn’t “owe” us anything. While I’d love him to finish up the storyline, that doesn’t mean he has to.

          • Reza Lustig

            You’re right of course. I mean that it would be a really dick move on his part not to deliver on what was expected by his fans.

          • Robert Riter

            If this is seriously the THIRD REVIEW IN A ROW he’s rage quit.. what the hell?

            The last two Reburary episodes (Seriously abandoning both halfway through) and now this.. if it’s a running gag it’s not working.

            I sincerely hope there’s a final part.

        • flush

          I don’t know… I kind of expected his XIII-2 review to flow on from XIII’s ending. Can he really do XIII-2 without at least addressing the ending to XIII?

    • Colin Snow

      When a game can’t even get it’s own limited plot right, what else is there to bitch about?

    • MaX Mpesiris

      When a game does not give you enough material to work with, there is not much you can do…that’s what I want to say, but I actually believe that Spoony could have worked out some more good jokes if the game wasn’t so painful!

      This is definitely not over yet, though!

      He still has to review XIII-2 and then we have Lightning Returns:Freaking Stop Making Final Fantasy XIII Games and Having Absolutely Nothing To Do With Final Fantasy XIII Versus!

    • David Herbert

      I get where you’re coming from, but from the sounds of things he’s going to continue the story when he gets to XIII-2 since he was talking about things that game did worse. That’s probably where the epic confrontation will be.

      • Gregory Bogosian

        Lightning returns is technically the third and presently final iteration of the Final Fantasy XIII story. So I think that the final confrontation will be in a review of that game.

        • David Herbert

          Okay, thanks. I haven’t played FF since ten so I’m not too familiar with anything about 13.

  • sbkMulletMan

    Sorry, Hope, but I just couldn’t give half a shit about you leveling up because I was too busy enjoying and singing along with Frog’s Theme.

    You know, this train wreck of a game and story is just absolutely insufferable. I’m really going to have to play the Hell out of some Witcher games to wash the filth away. At least with those games, when I’m 20 hours in, I’m already having the time of my life and things only get better from there! It’s good to have choices.

    Oh, and thank you so much, Spoony for using one of my favorite Red Dwarf jokes! It’s not often one gets to use that clip in such a relevant fashion.

    • Gborr

      So it really was Frog’s theme! Yay, I thought I was just hearing things. :)

      • sbkMulletMan

        You were hearing things. You were hearing good music, which is a LOT more than anything Final Fantasy 13 has to offer.

        • Gborr

          Well, yeah. At first I was just thinking it couldn’t have been Frog’s theme since it’s… well… FFXIII.

          I guess my brain just refused to make the connection between FFXIII and Chrono trigger in order to protect the image of the latter. :P

  • Karol Mikusek

    Did spoony just ragequit the game? I hoped to hear his views about Gran Pulse adventures

  • magnusk_98

    Finally got it running via ProxTube. Gotta agree that the ranting about the technical parts went on a bit too long, compared to the reviews of earlier FF games, which were more focused on the inane plot. But the Doctor Insano part had me rolling in the aisles, so it’s all good. I loved his return to form. :)

    And I doubt that this is the true ending of the review for this game. Spoonyroth still has plans for Spoony…

    • Colin Snow

      When a game has no plot, what else is there to focus on?

      • Jerry Forbe

        I have a feeling that a certain someone is going to be battling a certain someone in a cosplay…

  • Tripuru

    Quite frankly, having waited patiently for Spoony to finish his review of this atrocity: I felt he hit all the major points like a champ.

    While the chrystarium was a pointless endeavour, I think they were trying to go for the nostalgia factor of FFX but with less choice. Granted the FFX leveling system was bad, it was at least trying to do something different and for that I applaud it. It didn’t work, but it was at least an attempt at originality. FFXIII took all the original ideas of FFX and threw them out, keeping only the bare skeleton of a visual leveling system that you were more or less not apart of. Also I do agree, what is a chrystarium? It sounded like they were trying to create a crystalline matrix but couldn’t figure out how to explain it to the masses and just went “FUCK IT. SUSEPEND YOUR DISBELIEF GAIJIN AND GO WITH IT.” as per SquareEnix’s standard fare now a days.

    I liked to imagine that it was connected either physically or metaphysically with the L’cie tattoos, so that as the party became more powerful, the tattoos would show with more definition or substance. Course its not what happened but call me a romantic.

    I did feel the Dr Insano part went on a bit longer than it was intended, but it was still fucking hilarious. Seeing him not break character even as he was trying not to retch had me in stitches. Also for what ever reason I liked looking around at all the stuff in the background of his kitchen. BTW what ever happened to Insano’s little pet? I miss it. ;_;

    Finally, yeah I agree, a Fal’Cie suddenly being able to talk was absolutely the worst part in terms of story. It rendered all of the mystery pointless. I mean what? Had the others taken some kind of vow of silence? Had they forgotten how to use their words? Did they think they’d blow our little plebeian minds if they just went “Hi?” Come on guys I know SquareEnix thinks we are all the monkey people from 2001 but give us at least a little credit. I was half way enjoying the concept of an actualized GOD character in the game, imagining all the things you could do, I mean really what if your God sent you on what was essentially a vision quest. But no, they suddenly needed one to talk, chucking out all the suspense and questions that had bubbled in the mind for a half baked character exposition.

    Spoony, now that you are done with this pile of horse shit. Please I beg of you, don’t do 13-2. I don’t think my poor soul can stand another of these terrible attempts at making a 30+ hour movie by people who just don’t care anymore.

    Also I can’t wait for more Counter Monkey.

    • Reza Lustig

      You don’t get it, dude: he HAS to finish this. He’s set up this meta plot-arc (as seen in the FFX-2 and Ultima 9 reviews), with him having to face his destiny (as forced upon him by Sephiroth and The Guardian), face the prospect of total madness or the destruction of the world. We need an epic conclusion. If he “takes a break” now, he’ll just have to preface his XIII-2 review by covering the end of the 1st game.

      You don’t set up a story like that, and just ragequit. That’s not how storytelling works. Also, sucks to everyone who now apparently prefers Counter Monkey to actual reviews

      • magnusk_98

        Did people miss the bit at the end with Burton? Spoony is clearly signaling that this is not over yet, despite the appearance to the contrary.

        • Tripuru

          Nah I saw the Burton thing. I don’t think it has anything to do with 13 so much as the overall Tale of Spoony.

          • magnusk_98

            Watch the beginning of the final part of the FF X-2 review. Burton has been compromised by Spoonyroth, so there is a connection.

      • Patrick Coyle

        And there’s no way he’ll pass up the chance to have Snow show up for a fight at the end, if only to give him a solid revenge-fantasy beating.

      • Tripuru

        I enjoy most everything he’s reviewed. It just happens that Counter Monkey has a soft spot in my heart as a fellow RP gamer. But yeah I am looking forward to seeing the climatic conclusion of his overall metaplot.

      • Colin Snow

        I mean it’s not about what we like ultimately. It’s about what Noah wants to do, and giving the balls dripping shit this game gives us in terms of gameplay and plot, we might as well enjoy some Counter Monkey.

  • Tony Molock

    bacon in a milkshake. go to dennys

  • Patrick Coyle

    The way JRPGs creators seem to be these days, with all the emphasis on compelling characters and stories and little thought to player interaction… it’s like writing Choose Your Own Adventure stories where each branch has two choices, but they always both go to the same page. Why not just write novels or make movies and stop pretending to make games?

    And as for the producer thinking that railroading the player is necessary for telling a good story, somebody needs to show him Planescape: Torment.

    • Colin Snow

      I could forgive that only IF the plot was compelling. It’s not.

      • Patrick Coyle

        Yeah, come to think of it… do the characters grow or change in any meaningful way by the end of it? Because I’ve seen the story played through and remember what happens, but I’m blanking on exactly why these creators think their characters are so deep and interesting.

        Sure, they have personality issues, and apparently after killing enough people and having enough rambling conversations, they get over them in time to give the final boss a pre-battle self-motivational one-liner. But that’s not new. Hell, that kind of thing set up a punchline for Kefka (or at least Ted Woolsey) twenty years ago.

        Seriously, what WAS the amazing story these guys thought they were telling?

        • Dr. Cakey

          Fang and Vanille realize their feelings for one another and end the game having crystal lesbian sex for eternity? Does that count as character development?

          • Jerry Forbe

            Not character development, but a great story for another game!

            Come on FF-13-3-1.001

          • Stephen Mc Devitt

            Are you daft? Of course that’s not character development but you obviously only watched the ending on YouTube as oppose to actually playing the game.

        • Doleth

          There’s a lot of character development!
          Hope goes from whiny emo kid to an almost decent, mature character.
          Lightning goes from being a Bitch that hates everyone to being a Bitch that like some people.
          Snow went from being an idiot that yells “SERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH” a lot to an idiot that bangs SERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH a lot.
          Fang went from a flat character defined entirely by her relation to Vanille to a crystal statue.
          Sahz went from having a chocobo living in his hair to not having a chocobo living there.
          And the best part, Vanille went from annoying creepy wank bait for pedo(I know, she’s 19…but she acts like she’s 8, so she counts) to being a statue.

          • Stephen Mc Devitt


        • Colin Snow

          Patrick, *clearly* we (me and you) don’t get it because this is a natural thing in Japan apparently, according to the people involved in directing and scripting the game. Even though Japan has put out many games and, oh yeah, ANIME, with good, even great, stories to them.

          I highly doubt that the characters grow or change, but need I remind you of Tidus? He remained stagnant throughout the plot, except for boning Yuna, but that’s the only “development” he gets.

    • Jonesy89CFPD

      Yes, but that’s a western game, and those have to measure up to different expectations, as that one guy mentioned; I mean, it’s not like criticism could ever have any foundation in reality or anything, right?

      Seriously, I raged hard when I saw that quote.

      • Charred Newt

        If we wanna talk about eastern games, I’ll throw Xenoblade Chronicles on the table. Nice story and huge world. In a couple of points, the extra freedom made me appreciate the plot much more, because I’d grown attached to the setting and its people. They meant something to me, I wanted to see what was going to happen to them.
        And yes, Planescape: Torment is a spectacular example.

    • Chris Lauderdale

      Oh it is so IMPOSSIBLE to tell a profound story if you allow player freedoms… except for *DEEP INHALE*

      Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Grand Theft Auto, Batman: Arkham City, Far Cry 3, Assassin’s Creed, Fallout 3 and New Vegas, Morrowind, Oblivion, Skyrim, Dishonored, and lastly EVERY OTHER FINAL FANTASY BEFORE THIS ONE!

    • Michał Pawlak

      You’d want to show him Planescape ? I bet he’d wave it off as too depressing and not catering to every imaginable demographic. “Game designers” these days make sure that the game will appeal even to your grandma and her cat, because the investors would demand blood if the developers wouldn’t do absolutely everything to ensure the financial success of the multi-million dollar “project”. If you’d tell him the ending, he’d probably be like “The main characters didn’t even save the world, so what was the purpose of their journey ? What kind of ending is that !?”. Simply put, people like him are focused solely on making sure that the game sells. It also doesn’t help that Planescape bombed when it came out, and was recognized for the masterpiece it is years after it’s initial release …

    • Markus Criticus

      In my opinion, linear is not automaticly bad for a game. And I personally don’t really care about the gameplay and stuff, I prefer when game is like a movie and I just do the action. Why all games need to be the same?

      Oh don’t get me wrong, this is game is fucking stupid. Linear is one thing, endless hallway is another, especialy in this kind of game. What the fuck is even the pontn of walking like this, if all you do is continue walking and have nothing to do, why have it in the game at all? They could literaly skip all of it and just make it all a cutscenes and only break it when you fight. That’s how pointless it is.

  • ChronoShadow69

    Bearing in mind that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I do have to say this. To all with the complaints about Spoony focusing so much on the technical aspects in this video rather than the plot:

    “You go to X place, bitch about your focus, the Sanctum finds you, you fight a giant robot, and run away. Lather, rinse, Repeat. For the better part of 20 friggen hours”

    You can only rage about this so many ways before you run out of things to say. Its worse than bad, its boring and repetitive. Then when the plot DOES change, its soo rock-stupid that it breaks any will to play the game for anyone who has been paying the slightest bit of attention to the story and how badly it contradicts itself.

    Trust me, as someone who’s all about storytelling in video games, I’m all for Spoony focusing on that. But there has to be something worth talking about, and that was this games biggest fault. Being agonizingly, mind numbingly, infuriatingly BORING. From the endless hallway that even extends into the metagame via the leveling system, to the characters who’s major conflicts could easily be resolved by just speaking the flip up.

  • Lloyd Stang

    Spoony your reviews keep getting better and better. Loved the insano bit!

  • Jaakko Hosioja

    I bought a PS3 just to play this game.. My biggest gripe at the time, were the blocks in leveling up, because in good Final Fantasy games, I always enjoyed grinding a bit extra so I could completely own bosses, but that was completely gone. Then, the equipment system, as Spoony mentioned, no joy there either. I ran in to exactly the same problem, that I leveled up early game weapons so that the new ones seemed like crap, but I was crazy enough to level up another one when I noticed its benefit, but even that is pointless as it isn’t necessary for any battle, it can just make it a little easier. It has pretty graphics, and I like the design for the most part, but if ever there was an example where those things do not save a game, this is it.

  • Jonathan McGown

    Christ Spoony almost vomited for out benefit. Kudos man kudos

  • Aiddon

    yeah, it AMAZES me at how bad of a writer, director, and designer Toriyama is. I mean, dear BUDDHA, he cannot do ANYTHING worth a damn and his attempts at being serious come off as either hilarious or just grating. And what really blows my mind is how SE keeps giving him things to do. I swear, I’m starting to think he’s got dirt on Kitase or some of the other executives. If Sakaguchi were still at SE he would have slapped Toriyama so hard his head would SPIN.

    As for the technical aspects, this just shows again how incompetent Toriyama is. If you’re going to give us choices, then just give us choices. Games like Persona, Etrian Odyssey, the SMT franchise in general, and FF’s VI and VII gave GREAT choices to the player while still maintaining their narrative. Furthermore, those games also let us explore the world and become intimate with the setting. It makes the world become more lived-in and feel REAL rather than just being wallpaper. And there is nothing wrong with linearity, but being LITERALLY ramrod straight like that doesn’t go well with the RPG genre. Even linear leveling isn’t bad. FFIV had characters that had a set role and that was fine. The Last Story was another game where each of the characters had specific roles, but due to how the combat system worked it never felt restrictive. I think this all comes down to the fact that the guys in charge just SUCKED, Toriyama most of all.

    Final thoughts: you saying “fuck it!” is a perfect capstone to this. If the game has become THIS irritating to sit through then it’s quite clear the designers have failed at their jobs.

    • Stephen Mc Devitt

      I have a will made of iron and I stomach trough just fine but I normally played just 2 hours a day.

      I have an idea. Why not go to Japan and ruin Toriyama’s personal life?

  • 成侘理 (sdrawkcab drib)

    Glad this is on youtube!

    Willingness to get messy for science is why everyone loves Insano.

    On a critical note… why do you hate the crystarium so much and also hate the levelling of weapons, when these things are opposite and thus have completely opposite flaws? The things you say the crystarium should have are the very things you hate in the weapon system. Makes no sense.

    Actually about the paradox – Sanctum took Dazj away IMMEDIATELY when he got turned into an L’Cie (by their own Fal’Cie, not the Pulse one) and they didn’t know what his focus was at the time. Naturally.
    This is expanded on in the novels too.

    The make it rain line is NOT in the Japanese version what the hell…

    Barthandelus is the ONLY Fal’cie who can talk. They all have their own skills and purposes. Also its not true that EVERY Fal’Cie wants to destroy cocoon. Just Barth. It’s in fact quite amazing that you’d think that o.O
    Humorous misunderstanding for your work I assume.

    • Jerry Forbe

      Is it me, or are you seriously trying to defend FF-13?

    • MaX Mpesiris

      I can give you MY opinion for the crystarium!

      It’s a super bad illusion of complexity!

      It offers no choices, it just forces the player into a straight direction!

      It’s pointless!

      It’s something that could be done automatically!

      They only did it that way because…I don’t know…because it looks fancy!?!

    • The Janitor

      Talking is a purpose for Fal’Cie?

      Damn, that must really suck. “My power is that I can TALK!”

    • yellowmage

      Except that Orphan can also talk. As can Titan. And, if we include FFXIII-2, Adam (though he’s an artificial fal’Cie so he technically doesn’t count). Presumably, all fal’Cie are capable of speech, but some only speak when strictly necessary.

      • golden izanagi

        which brings me to my question in the previous video of why the fal’Cie need to pull this crap off of marking people and giving them random visions considering barth is a fal’Cie that can take human form and talk shouldn’t other fal’Cie be able to do this? in fact shouldn’t he be someone who is more of a mediator for the humans and fal’Cie or something like that like in the event somebody on cocoon gets marked by one of them he would be the guy to go to to help interpret the visions so they can know there focus and not be turned into a zombie?

        • elconrado

          He does. He’s literally the guy who tells the heroes what they are supposed to do, in plain english.

          It only took the game 15 hours to get to that point…sigh…

      • elconrado

        No, actually only fal’Cie that need to talk to perform their function can talk, according to the FFXIII Ultimania.

        Barthandelus’s job is to interact/manage humans, so he can talk.

        Titan controls evolution and needs to entice/challenge humans, so he can talk.

        Orphan needs to taunt the l’Cie into killing him, so he can talk.

        Also, all the fal’Cie in Cocoon want to die, they were all made for that purpose: to help the reproduction of as many docile humans as they can, and then to die, to force Etro’s gate open.

        The Pulse l’Cie are another thing entirely.

    • Garrick Williams

      You don’t understand. They’re bad for the same core reason.

      Both the Crystarium and the Weapon Upgrade System take away a player’s ability to make meaningful choices. The upgrade system denies the player choice through withholding information of how it works and the dominant strategy of upgrading one weapon exclusively.

      Crystarium, of course, just flat out denies the player any choice at all.

  • Lilien

    Just got home from the hospital after a motorcycle accident this morning. This is the perfect painkiller.

  • Mursa ArtDragon

    Wow that last remark in the credits just seems so offensive to me that I don’t think I ever want to by a game that has this team on it ever again.

  • PeaTearGryfin

    Is it sad that when sexy librarian chick said, “make it rain” that the first thing that came to mind was pulling out my ocarina and playing the Song of Storms? Seriously though, great review as always. I laughed my ass off at the Dr. Insano scene. This game is quite possibly the most boring piece of shit I have ever seen in my life ( and I watched Melvin Brother of the Joker). I about threw my computer out a window when I read that quote about western RPGs giving the player too much freedom and not enough time to explore the characters. I love how that’s his explanation for the hallway, yet the game never actually explores the characters. God, this game sucks ass.

  • Sajeh

    Insano; you have hit jackpot with this character, no wonder you would use it all the time. I would.

  • Michael Couacaud

    Wow what a review. Useless equipment upgrading, levelling up system that requires no thought and has no impact with makes no sense plot makes me glad I stopped at FFXII. I liked the part with Dr Insano and the quotes at the end especially the one that said they couldn’t make a story in an open world game and so that’s why its a hallway

  • Athenian

    I was hoping you’d finish this game for me. After that scene with the old Fal’cie I gave up too. Pretty much the plot sounded exactly like 10 except I actually liked the gameplay a bit in ten and some of the side characters were tolerable. So I quit. I’m pretty much done with Final Fantasy, except for maybe a few ports of their old games.

    • El Keith

      From memory:

      Barthandelus becomes the main villain. There’s also a fairly tough boss battle against Cid, who is a Cocoon L’cie. He dies or turns to crystal or disappears, I forget which. A lot of random soldiers get turned into L’cie and apparently fail their foci with remarkable speed, or they’ve been L’cie all along.

      Barthandelus urges the party to head for the heart of cocoon. They debate whether it’s a trap and meander through a variety of areas that are mostly forgettable, including the ruins of Vanille’s hometown (she’s already been crystallized once) and a very abstract Tron-like techno-floaty-void just before the end.

      Eventually the party find themselves in the heart of cocoon, where they slay Barthandelus. This is the only place he can “die” by mortal hands, and his spirit fuses with the fal’cie at the heart of cocoon. The party slays that. Then their cojoined spirit is reborn or something, and the party slays that too.

      Since the Fal’cie keeping Cocoon (moon) afloat over Gran Pulse (earth) is now dead, it begins to plummet. Therefore, Fang and Vanille transform into Ragnarok and ???????? to save the day. They become crystals and the other party members simply lose their brands.

      Post game: You fight earthquake turtles. It’s kinda lame.

      • Patrick Coyle

        As to why Barthandalus and the Cocoon fal’Cie want it destroyed – they’re sick of being enslaved to serving humanity (which is the focus given to them by whoever the creator god is), and figure that if they kill enough humans, it’ll get God’s attention and he’ll reboot the world, but this time he’ll give the fal’Cie more free will.

        Why do they believe God will have that particular response, instead of countless others he might have, if any? Let’s say it together now:

        It’s never explained.

        • ScreamingDoom

          So, wait… if Barthandalus wants Cocoon destroyed… why does he go apeshit and attempt to kill the people going to do just that at the point where Spoony quit? Was it some kind of Batman Gambit? Or just poor writing?

  • Ewelina Danielczyk

    WTF Youtube blocked the video because of some music contained in it. Is there a blip version of it?

    • Rene Geiss

      Yeah it is blocked in Germany as well. Something to do with it containing music from SME and GEMA not allowing access to it. -.-

      • Benjamin Roth

        Proxtube saved the day for me. I still hope that the video gets uploaded on blip as well since YT seems to have some problems with long videos.

      • Ewelina Danielczyk

        Yeah I’m from germany too. I know that the GEMA has their sticky fingers in Austria and Poland too for some vids. Really hate those guys

  • Michael Borean

    I actually liked the Sphere grid. But then again I also semi liked the Blitzball as a way to easily get free items.

  • Michał Pawlak

    Wow, I can’t believe Squeenix has the Balls of Steel to say that those criticizing this overdesigned trainwreck of a game are doing so because they’re looking at it the wrong way.

    • Mary Sulkowski

      They’re interrogating the game from the wrong perspective! XD

      • Michał Pawlak

        Interrogating ?

        • Mary Sulkowski

          It’s something Anne Rice said after she started writing really shitty books no one liked. She insisted that readers were just “interrogating the text from the wrong perspective.”

          She’s got her own CATEGORY over at the Fandom Wank archive.

  • The Janitor

    I was hoping for a stinger at the end of the video with Insano dumping the goo onto him.

  • MaraBackman

    The response from the devs does not give a good impression of the thought process behind the FF-games. I’m kinda glad I’ve never been too much into JRPGs and have kept myself mostly to just some of the old Zelda-games, because I prefer more open game worlds without turn-based combat. The general lack of wangsting in the old-school Zeldas also helps.

  • Ian Haas

    Hysterical, whole review, awesome! When you listed the review scores in the credits along with those quotes it was just icing on the cake! Can’t wait for the next!

  • Turcano

    Was that the music from Castles at 13:30? God, that takes me back.

  • ParrotProphet

    You know what Spoony? I stopped here too when I played the game. I just couldn’t take the boredom, the bullshit, the bad writing, and/or the bad characters anymore. Then Nabaat dies…the one character that would have been interesting to fight against. Then Fal’Cie can talk, so I gave up.

    This was hilarious and I am amazed at how bullheaded those developers really are.

    • Jovan Stipic

      yeah that was the giving up point for me to

  • Hitokiri Akins

    This is why I don’t trust mainstream critics anymore, and why I don’t care for the JRPG anymore. Granted, I haven’t played a FF game since 10, but that’s neither here no there.

    As for my distrust for Critics, even games like Dragon Age 2, which is known among fans as “The beginning of the end for Bioware” was critically acclaimed. And don’t get me started on Ultima 9; I’ve played all of them since Spoony reviewed them, and I still don’t get how the critics liked that game.

    So yeah, what I do is look at the mainstream critics who gave it the lowest rating, and then hunt down someone like Spoony to point out the flaws. If the good outweighs the bad, I pick it up. If not, I pass. It’s a good system, and I can tell the shit from the shinola now.

    • Joonas Sinkkonen

      Between you and me; they’re not critics. They’re dummies (dual meaning there by the way) who pretty much try to make the game look enjoyable for the companies selling a particular title so that people can be suckered into buying it.

      P.S. BioWare died at Dragon Age 2 and Mass Effect 3 was it’s rigor mortis.

  • Brian Martin

    At least there’s Chocobo Racing in XIII-2.

    • Guest

      Never mind. I didn’t watch his opinion of it when I posted this comment.

  • ThomasMink

    Still no Informer reference? Even as an end credit theme, would be ok. Come on, man.. a main character’s name is SNOW!

    Other than that, excellent job here. The Insano bit felt a bit long, but honestly.. I can see not wanting to cut any of it. :)

  • Ryan All

    I think the idea with the Crystarium expanding is so you, by the time you get to the next “expand”. you actual have enough to upgrade, as points needed increases exponentially

    • flush

      Nah the point was to carefully control the difficulty of the game. It works really well in that regard at the expense of any meaningful freedom of choice.

  • Thomas Kennedy

    If you think about it, those scores at the very end are kinda low. When you average out the rating those review company’s give you’ll get like a 8-9. Pretty much this

    I’ve played it and I appreciate it gives you allot to do with the weapons. In FF7 I could never use a maxed level materia. I would always rotate them so I was as efficient as possible. In FF9 you never get rid of any armor or weapons because of the skills that can be learned from each so you’re always rotating those until each character learns everything. But in 13 its like you should hold back on upgrading weapons until you get the best for everyone and just level that. Its not like it would be very hard to do that either since the game keeps you at the appropriate strength to take on all the bosses.

  • humdiblifier

    The response to the critics at the end kinda made me think that JRPGs are sorta becoming like Adam Sandler films. They have a built in audience of rabidly loyal fans and they know that no matter what they make their going to turn a profit. I haven’t liked a JRPG since Star Ocean 3, and even that games story FUCKING SUCKED.

    • Christian Wright

      Wow. Star Ocean 3. Fun game, god awful storyline. Its kinda sad because Star Ocean 2 had such an amazing storyline.

      • CronoT

        The Star Ocean games are good in that the active battle is a nice blend between standard JPRG fare and a more Western Felling, like KOTOR. But yes, the plots from SO3 and SO4 are kind of weak. They’re just rehashes from old Twilight Zone episodes or Star Trek: ToS episodes.

        Seriously, the portal thing from SO3 might as well have just called itself the Guardian of Forever and gotten it over and done with.

  • Daniel Powers

    You got a hell of a lot farther than I did in this shit storm of boredom. You deserve a prize sir. Enjoyed the review and you hit a lot of points honestly. I felt the Insano bit went “family guy long” on us. Not to say that it was bad, but it felt like it just went on past the point of being funny. If you’d have cut it down and put some of it as bloopers at the end of the video that would’ve worked better I think. BUT overall it was a good vid. Now we can move onto another review of something else once you recharge from this horrid piece of mind rape. Bad leveling, aggravating dialogue, horrendous story. Ugh….I feel like I need a drink. And I wasn’t even the one playing it. Looking forward to the next when you get around to it.

  • Isaac FluffyWolf Rader

    Squee! Spoony mentioned Borderlands =D
    …My inner vault hunter restrains the urge to vomit at this needlessly complex, broken, redundant system of loots and levels.

  • Amber

    The people behind this game are clueless. Final Fantasy 6 is the counter argument to what they said. It starts off not allowing the characters too many places to go right off and still has a compelling story. It keeps it defined just long enough for the player to get the feel before we are unleashed. Plus, it doesn’t take 20-25 hours of gameplay to become fun. My only complaint about ff6 is how I wanna shoot Terra. That and how easy the espers got taken down by Gestahl. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.

  • yellowmage

    Oh, I don’t think there’s really any worry about Sazh hitting on Vanille; even if she weren’t less-than-half his age (biologically speaking), she’s a lesbian! Kinda surprised Spoony didn’t mention that; I thought it’d be one of the sole positive things in the game for him! Of course, I was too busy drooling over Snow and his totally ripped torso, so what do I know?

  • TWE

    I’m still at a loss at how my buddy was able to plat this game.

    • Kevin Franzen

      Same here, and my friend took the time to Platinum Trophy the damn thing too.

      • elconrado

        I did the same: Platinum Trophy.

        …and I can’t say I enjoyed it. It was mostly OCD behavior.

  • yellowmage

    OK, now I’m kinda confused. Did Spoony have footage for the rest of the game and just decide to end it here, or was this always the plan? If it were me then, no matter how frustrated a game made me, I would still see it through to the end because I believe it’s important to finish what you start. But then it’s not my show.

    Anyway, still enjoyed this a lot! I had the same reaction to Dr. Insano’s live weapon upgrade guide that Spoony did to Aro’s squee! And I’m greatly looking forward to FFXIII-2. But, I swear to Etro, should you even come close to critcizing Mog, then [insert end of famous phone call bit from Taken here].

  • Milo Gotje

    So this is the end of the review? That’s kind of anticlimactic, I mean I can kind of understand
    why you’re done but it’s still rather disappointing.

    You will probably have to explain what happened after that anyway if you’re going to review final fantasy 13-2, so why take the cowards way out?

    I didn’t hate the sphere grid in final fantasy 10, don’t know why since it is pointless
    busywork for the most part, but the crystarium seems way worse.

    • RioTheDragonTheMan

      He ended it so abruptly because trying to edit a review out of 40+ hours of game footage is hard work. He was having a lot of issues picking what to tackle with this game (and understandably so, considering how bad EVERYTHING in this game is) so I assume he stopped there because that’s where the entire setup to the plot falls apart completely and utterly. If he does the XIII-2 review, I’m sure he’ll do a quick recap of the rest.

  • RioTheDragonTheMan

    Just wanted to thank Spoony for these videos. I felt almost exactly the same way about everything in FF XIII, even the rambling nitpicky internal monologues questioning the well, EVERYTHING in this game universe.

    And to Mister Moritomu who says it’s hard to make a good story of good character interaction in a more open game; COMPLETE BS. Final Fantasies 7, 8, and 9 were all much more open than Final Fantasies X and XIII, and they also had better characterizations and stories, DESPITE being more open. You want an example of a damn good story in an open game? Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne, that game starts with almost no direction, yet is oddly compelling in its almost alien world that it builds and you, the main character trying to find a Reason you can agree with to essentially rebuild the world from scratch around. That’s a Japanese RPG, by the way, in almost every respect. How is it so compelling? The locations and peoples (in this case, demons) you talked to, mostly had something important to say and it involved the player and allowed them to think for themselves and find their own reason for playing.

    With the Japanese RPG example out of the way, let’s look at a Western RPG with an arguably compelling story, Fallout: New Vegas. It is a sandbox, but almost everywhere you go, almost all the people you talk to, have something to say, and if you pay attention to them, are very relatable and real, and culminate in the story of the region, which the game is all about, and lead you to your own conclusions on what to do with the information you’ve come across to impact the area for better or worse with your decisions. New Vegas is the Western RPG equivalent to Nocturne in this aspect.

    So where did Square-Enix go wrong? The answer is simple. They made their own engine despite having access to another engine with about the same potential, and after many years of development on this engine, when it came to actually working on the game, they got lazy. They figured that all they needed to continue carrying their franchise was a pretty face, and no heart and soul.

    The ‘Western RPG’ excuse is just that, and excuse. It’s been proven that many people still love to play JRPGs. Proof positive is Atlus’ recent successes with Shin Megami Tensei and Persona overseas. Hell, Square-Enix themselves EVEN STILL, have die-hard fans who put up with them and hold out for something good from them again, and y’know what, as harsh as I am on Square-Enix… I’M IN THAT CAMP, TOO. I want to see them succeed again as a developer, but instead I keep seeing them fail, and fail HARD at what seemed to used to come so easily to them, just making compelling stories with compelling characters and having solid, sound gameplay mechanics to help lead us along with scratching our heads in total confusion.

    • doresh

      I wouldn’t say lazy. They straight up didn’t have time because they were developing the game and the engine at the same time.

      FFXIII-1 is basically a tech demo with a storyline.

      • RioTheDragonTheMan

        That engine still doesn’t really amount to much, so it’s still a waste. They took years to build an engine they’d use for maybe 2-3 games when they had access to the Unreal Engine 3, right there in their hands! One of the easiest engines to develop with, one of the most malleable to work with (JRPGs have been dones with it alongside the many shooters, looks at Mistwalker’s Lost Odyssey or Square-Enix’s own Last Remnant). If they had only used that, they could have focused a lot more on story and making the environment more player-friendly and maybe explaining their own universe in-game, and less on hassling with developing a more difficult engine for a handful of titles just for the eyecandy.

        • doresh

          True. Developing games has become a lot different than it was back in the day, but Square-Enix doesn’t seem to get it. They do business as usual (aka make everything by themselves), even if they waste A LOT of budget and time on it.

          FFXIII was basically the point where this practice collapsed in on itself.

  • ORCACommander

    you know you should paint burton’s neck…

  • Daniel Westgate

    lol @ doctorinsano

  • Salen Stormwing

    When did Square Enix become the George Lucas of JRPGs? Back in the day, they put in some great effort with huge limitations put on them, but the moment you give them to do fully rendered CGI cutscenes and more computing power than HAL 9000, you get the worst stories in the world with some of the most uninteresting hallways of history.

    Some companies do their best work under constraints. Square Enix is one of them. That’s why I wish someone at the company would tell the higher-ups “NO!” once in a while. Everyone’s too busy telling them “Yes, of course we can do that sir, let me kiss your butt and your money” instead of telling them honestly and, if they did tell them honestly, not firing them for going against THE WORD OF GOD!

    Just not a good way to run a business, and a great way to ruin a franchise.

    • ScreamingDoom

      While it might be a great way to ruin a franchise, the sales figures say its a brilliant way to run a business.

      Final Fantasy 13 was the highest selling Final Fantasy game of all time. FF13-2, while not as high, was still ridiculously profitable. Clearly, putting out overcomplex pretty drek is the right way to do gaming.

      And this won’t change until gamers STOP PAYING FOR DREK.

      • Salen Stormwing

        Eh, it’s like when everyone was outraged with EA about Simcity’s launch, or Origin, or Mass Effect 3’s ending, or anything else you want to list off… In the end, people keep throwing their money as the company even though they say horrible things about that same company.

        It’s easier to be apathetic at this point, anyways. Why be outraged when you can just shrug your shoulders vainly and go back to playing the original X-Com on Steam.

  • Megaman0

    As someone from Amsterdam I take offense with that comment…we still would have legal prostitution and copious amounts of cheese as well…

  • Amesang

    Looking back it, I don’t think the fact that Barthandelus, a Fal’Cie, could talk, when the others didn’t, ever really bothered me… probably because I had forgotten that fact at that point. Really, I just saw the Fal’Cie as Cthulhu-esque entities who were total dicks no matter what they did (aside from Titan, he seemed cool).

    The weapons are definitely a pain if you went and upgraded them right from the get go, as waiting until you received all of them near the end-game and upgrading the one you liked best was certainly more cost efficient. Then again, what new player would think to do that? Hell, I had to use a friggin’ Excel sheet to figure out how to upgrade my equipment in the most efficient way possible:

    Yet despite how linear this whole game is… I still kept playing through it because I wanted to find out how it ends. Maybe I’m just a sadist, but if you wanna complain about linearity… ever play “Pokémon: Black Version 2/White Version 2?” I mean in “FFXIII” I can actually understand it; you’ve been cursed by an alien god and now the entire world wants you dead, plus you’ve a Focus that, if left incomplete, will turn you into a zombie… that really doesn’t leave you with the opportunity to go to Dullsville and talk to Farmer Bob, who will turn you into the local militia once he realizes who you are. Yes, linearity is bullshit, but I can at least excuse it for this reason. Granted, it does make going to Hope’s house even more of a dumbass thing to do.

    There is no excusing the linearity in “Pokémon: B/W 2,” unless they simply didn’t want players to fight monsters who were too high-level. You want to cross this bridge? Sorry, they’re testing to see how many people it can hold, and you’d be one person too many. You want to cross that bridge? Sorry, there’s a line of guys who are dancing there for no reason (I’m not kidding, that’s literally what they say) and who will some day (post game) leave for no reason (not to mention the fact that they don’t even use the Dancer trainer icon, so they don’t appear to be dancing anyway!). The games takes place two years after the previous ones in the same region, so theoretically a Pokémon who could fly to every city before should be able to fly to every city again, right? Nope, apparently trading Pokémon erases their memories of places they’ve been to a hundred times before; and it’s not like the new trainer couldn’t find them on a map… considering the game gives you a map early on with every major town, city, and location clearly labeled.

    I… don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore. I guess I’ll close out by saying that, from my own perspective when comparing this to the RPGs I’ve played in the past (mainly “Ultima,” “The Legend of Zelda,” “Pokémon,” and “Golden Sun,” “FFXIII” is average. It’s not the best that I’ve ever played, but I don’t regret playing it, either.

    • doresh

      True. The “Fal’Cie as so far above us that we can’t possibly comprehend them!”-excuse is stupid, but better than nothing. Suddenly introducing a Fal’Cie that can talk to humans just fine is just stupid.

      • Amesang

        Hence my comment that the Fal’Cie are dicks. Then again this appears to be a trope that goes back even as far as Greek mythology. If I remember correctly, Medusa was turned into a monster because she had the audacity to be raped in Athena’s temple while serving as her priestess. It wasn’t her fault, but she gets turned into a monster for it.

        • Glenn Seto

          Well, obviously old age does not make this story less depressing (to say nothing of the blatant misogyny) and one has to wonder just went through the heads of these devs when they crafted a game that thoroughly strips players of agency in just about any respect, completely at odds with a medium that is inherently about interactivity and (usually) empowerment.

        • doresh

          Greek Gods are dicks – but at least they are comprehensible dicks.

        • Markus Criticus

          Sorry but not even that makes sense. All they do is that they sabotage THEMSELVES. If it was just some bullshit quest they did for kicks that would be different, but this their entire plan which they re desperate to accomplish. They are not dicks, they are idiots.

      • elconrado

        Well, the idea is that the other fal’Cie can’t talk.

        For what I understand, Barthandelus is supposed to be special in that sense: his function is to relay the fal’Cie’s wishes and desires to the human population, so to do that he can turn human and talk.

        It is apparently explained in the Final Fantasy XIII Ultimania that each fal’Cie was built by Pulse and Lindzei (the Gods of the world) with a specific function, either provide food, energy, control evolution, etc.

        The thing is Pulse, Lindzei and a third goddess called Etro were actually created by a more powerful being, Bhunivelze, and are obsessed with reencountering with him.

        Pulse goes on with business creating/changing the world, but Lindzei comes up with a plan: kill a lot of humans so that their souls force open the gate to the underworld where Bhunivelze sleeps. To that effect, he creates Cocoon, and all the fal’Cie in it. He creates the Sanctum and Barthandelus to literally “herd” the humans in Cocoon. He’s the only one in Cocoon who can talk to people and become human, to accomplish his function.

        Meanwhile, Pulse doesn’t like what Lindzei is doing to the humans, because it goes against his prime directive of enforcing natural selection, so his fal’Cie try to free them by destroying Cocoon, not knowing that that is what Lindzei wants them to do.

        This also explains why Titan can also talk; he was made by Pulse to control evolution, and he needed to speak to challenge and have humans participate.

        So, technically speaking and strictly from an “Expanded Universe” perspective, this stuff makes sense.

        …well, except the part of the focuses.

        This is all part of the Fabula Nova Crystalis; the backdrop of the FFXIII world. The games do a piss-poor job explaining any of this. Heck, the only reason I do is because the game left so much unexplained I needed to research this to get some closure.

        • Green Fred

          That’s actually really interesting and thought provoking information. c:

          • elconrado

            I can only think that Kazushige Nojima, the scenario writer for Final Fantasy XIII and the Fabula Nova Crystalis, filled it with grand stokes and themes about love, loss, abandonment, fate vs. free will, etc, from the perspective of these godlike beings that was meant as a common mythology for a series of games with the FFXIII label.

            But neither Yoshinori Kitase nor Tetsuya Nomura had the ability to leverage it.

            Instead you have the equivalent of an emotionally charged story about a boy whose father abandoned him, but from the perspective and understanding of the ants he’s torching with a magnifying glass, and only of the events of the torching itself.

          • Christopher Velez

            Actually, a fair bit of that *is* in the game: The bits about the origins and purposes of man and the fal’Cie, the Cocoon fal’Cie’s Mommy issues, their desire to create a tremor in the Force so large that their creator return, and Barthandelus’s role as preparer of the sheep for slaughter are brought up in voiced exposition.

            The funny thing is that my biggest issue with the fal’Cie is their Mommy issues. They’re an inscrutable Elder Race in a fantasy setting: They’re a genre convention, and as such, I had no trouble accepting them. So their being dicks with ridiculously circuitous plans that require a half-dozen different events occurring in precisely the right order to make the plot function was something I could suspend my disbelief for. Until the point where their motivation is revealed to be entirely scrutable, at which point the entire edifice just collapses under its own weight due to our puny human minds being completely capable of understanding the fal’Cie’s motives.

          • Green Fred

            The “we’re killing all the humans to open the gateway to our mommy” was mentioned by Barthandelus late in the game, yes. But that’s it. Mentioned. We don’t really get to *know* the individual fal’cie, their culture, creators, or really the specific names of most of the big players in the background leading up their decision to create a tremor in the Force, as you put it. If we did, it was in the datalogs (which, in my opinion, does not count). We are told, not shown, a lot of important information, and are not expected by the game to make any sort of opinion of it. FFXIII’s world building is, quite frankly, absolutely pathetic.

            I sort have to agree that the fal’Cie’s goal sort of brings their believably down a notch. It’s better than the game pretending to be smarter than it actual is, granted, but only barely.

        • doresh

          Remember when games would tell you this sort of stuff in the opening cutscene (with a few things left out of course because legends only tell you so much) ? Good times.

          And man, this is like Lord of the Rings and the Silmarillion – if the Silmarillion was absolutely required to understand anything that is going on in LotR O_o

        • GeekyDragonGirl

          Darn it, so THAT’S were chunks of the plot were hiding, in a companion book. I knew there was story potential somewhere. Still doesn’t excuse the lack of basic game storytelling and the character writing, though. Forget XIII-2 and Lightning Returns, the potential here is outstanding. You know, if you include all that backstory in-game somehow, reworked the cliche crew or make different characters and get a better story and script writer you could expand XIII into a series of Xenosaga style games, only better. Rework the cast and world a bit, actually make towns and dungeons and places to explore maybe toss in a badass sage-like techno mage character to explain the backstory in a cool way not an exposition dump way perhaps by tapping into a fal’Cie’s mind and showing (or better yet playing as said fal’Cie that could be cool) the backstory bit by bit or having visons he/she can show to expand the conflict a bit, add some character side quests or something like Persona 3 and 4’s social links, add a stealth element or disguise function for exploring towns, ditch the database and have NPCs explain things…sorry, my game design/film student habits are popping up, I keep wanting to improve it.

          • elconrado

            Don’t apologize.

            On the contrary, if you ever get an outlet for those ideas, for the love of God take it, ‘cuz He knows we need more people like that making games and movies, and definitively more women making games.

          • J.G. te Molder

            That reminds me of C&C3; there’s a mission where you go around a ruined city, blown up by the aliens, and all of a sudden a message you’ve uncovered something in the database. You go to the database and find a giant chunk of text about you meeting a civilian who describes how a giant ship appeared over the city and then blew it away, killing many including his wife and child. There’s nothing to indicate this person was actually there; that’s because civilians have been reduced to immortal background animation that are part of the map; not that there was even that. Show don’t tell; how much more awesome would be, to find this guy as an actual civilian you find, if they weren’t background animation, at which point you into an FMV that shows you him telling the event and shows it to you happening through his eyes. Instead it’s a fucking database entry; which is the case for most things.

    • Joonas Sinkkonen

      Umm, Pokemon games in general have been very linear since day one, which I’ll admit is a perfect reason they should make an open-world Pokemon game or even an MMO (for great content on that concept check out Suede’s, Linkara’s and JewWario’s joint reviews on the Pokemon movie at Channel Awesome). Heck, in that game you can actually choose to spend time training your team(s) to higher levels to make combat easier (I always train to the same level scale as the next upcoming Gym Leader). In Final Fantasy XIII you literally have no choice in anything. Get from point A to B, watch cutscene, rinse and repeat.

    • Godmars

      “you’ve been cursed by an alien god and now the entire world wants you dead”

      Except there is no real obvious sign of you being cursed. That is to say there is, but it can be covered up. There’s also the contradiction of two characters wondering around an amusement park for hours. Or there’s the bitch slap of once you get to Pulse where being a fal’cie isn’t as big a deal, everyone’s been turned into a zombie just for the fuck of it.

  • AggroWill

    …I liked the Sphere Grid. And junctioning in FF8 was so entertainlingly broken!

    • Green Fred

      I liked the Sphere Grid, too. It at least gave the player the illusion of choice–do I use this rare level lock sphere here to unlock an entire new path for the character, or should I skip ahead of the minor stat increases to use it to unlock one of several locked nodes that come before a really good ability? It wasn’t just watching a line move across the screen, at any rate.

  • doresh

    Any fellow Germans too lazy to look for ProxTube (like me XD ) should check this out:

    This site allows you to download the video. Just make sure to pick 360p (higher resolutions are too big for a free download)

  • Green Fred

    Might as well end the game at the Primarch’s battle. Seriously, all that happens after that is all the roles opening up, the team goes to Gran Pulse, they leave Gran Pulse without learning anything significant, and they go to the final boss fight.

    Bit sad that you therefore can’t cover the mess that is Cid in this game, though. Really–at first he’s the leader of the Calvary, who are literally the only soldiers friendly to l’Cie in this game. Fair enough, it wouldn’t be the first time a Cid in power is friendly to the heroes instead of literally everyone else in the world who have similar positions. But then, it just gets weird. Turns out that he’s a l’Cie himself, and his Focus is dying so that the main l’Cie become better l’Cie. Once again, fair enough, that sounds mildly interesting, even if it comes fucking out of nowhere. Except that’s apparently not his Focus, because he comes back to life after being a crystal later for about ten minutes before getting killed again, and it makes no sense and breaks a dozen of established rules about l’Cie for no reason that’s ever touched upon. QAQ

    Was the idea was to use him to illustrate that the l’Cie’s “Focus” doesn’t necessarily end when the l’Cie turns to crystal? Fine, but Fang and Vanille’s history already revealed as much to player. We KNOW there’s more to it than that, and Cid’s resurrection doesn’t bring anything new to the table. The best that can be argued is that his arc is to illustrate that the Barthandelus is a manipulative bastard, but the player already knows that from every single previous encounter with the character, who for the most part has been pretty clear about his goals and methods of accomplishing them. It feels like a cheap plot twist for the sake of having a cheap plot twist.

    Not only that, but it’s hard to buy that someone like Cid, who has supposedly been an advocate for the l’Cie (albeit this is explained in datalogs and not touched upon much in-game), would just give up and meekly follow orders that he KNOWS will probably leave his home in ruins when he sees that the other l’Cie have a fighting chance at stopping Bathandelus, or that he wouldn’t even try to save his own men, who were walking into certain doom. Hell, he even goes as far as to sacrifice his life so that the l’Cie have a better chance at fighting their fate to destroy Cocoon. That part was fine, and honestly, one of the few bits of effective storytelling in the entire game. But then he’s revived and that goes completely out the window. He doesn’t even try to stop or warn his men “hey, if you attack Orphan, you’re all going to turn into Cie’th for no good reason”, for gods’ sake. He just comes off as pathetic.

    However, most of this could have been fixed if the game decided to actual focus on him and explain him and his motivations outside of datalogs. The idea of a former ally who is forced to switch sides against his will can make for a compelling and tragic character (especially in a game WHOSE ENTIRE THEME IS FIGHTING A CRUEL FATE). Hell, he might have made a good antagonist by having a markedly different approach to dealing with his fate, giving the story a shade of gray that it desperately needs. But FFXIII does NOTHING with him, and instead undermines the tragedy instead by just tossing him to the side and explaining everything important in the datalogs. His situation is introduced to the characters, dealt with in a few cutscenes and a single battle, and is revived again solely so he can die one cutscene later. The main characters don’t even consider doing anything to help him, even though he and his Cavalry are probably the *only* reason that they’ve survived thus far.

    Instead, of course, we have tens of hours of “derrrr we don’t know our focus derrrrr.” Clearly, this was storytime well spent.

    • Green Fred

      TL;DR: Cid is a stupid character that makes no sense post-resurrection.

  • Stephin Williams

    I think the Doctor Insano bit was the hardest I’ve laughed this year. Thank you, Spoony – I know you had to plow through this utter mire of shit, fighting migraines and fatigue the whole way, to finish this, and I’m so glad you did.

  • Joonas Sinkkonen

    Sooo… the makers of this game are saying it’s our fault that the game sucks because we THINK? That’s just as bad as either Joe Quesada or J. Michael Straczynski (I forget which) writing in Spider-Man One More Day that gamers are losers for enjoying escapist fiction and fantasy, when comic books themselves are escapist fiction.

    It’s official. Final Fantasy XIII is not a videogame. It’s an anime you have to spend energy on via finger movements to make it progress, and it’s a VERY shitty anime. I tried to play the game, I got bored in the first hour. I watched all these videos about it and I STILL have no idea what’s going on.

    • Maria White

      I actually think I can fix one more day. How?

      Mephisto didn’t want crap, all he wanted was for them to be sidelined long enough for that little girl to NOT be born, since she would someday get the power to unmake him. BOOM. Fixed, not a good fix mind you, but it gives him a fricken REASON for going up and offering bullcrap. He doesn’t need their souls, since like he said they would suffer nobly, but all he wants is just them to be sidelined long enough for this little girls birth to not happen. THAT is something instead, ‘oh love, I want that from you, I’ll fix some crap for ya for free too.’

      Like I said, this isn’t a good fix, but at least it makes SENSE.

  • Godmars

    Have yet to see the video, but has anyone addressed that Fang had completed her focus, wasn’t turned to crystal and everyone just accepted it?

  • Markus Nävergård

    Such an abominal game. I bought in in a used game bin for less then 75 of its worth and i still feel ripped off. didnt make it beyond the shiva twincest bike battle. Square enix must have looked at FFXIII and thought ” we can do worse” and so they made FFXIII-2, FFXIII-3 and FFXIII VS. Not even FFVI the most loved game they did got that kind of treatment. And thats why i stay with Dragon quest games.

    • Joonas Sinkkonen

      You think you have it bad? My girlfriend made me buy this game and my only consolation is I only payed for half of it. *starts crying*

  • Ben Grondin

    Heh, that was the exact cutscene that made me go: “Okay! I don’t know what the fuck is going on in this story any more, and they don’t pay me enough to care!” It was nice to see you tear into this game and to call out some of the absurdities the game just expects you to take for granted. When I played it I figured I must have been missing something due to all of the praise the game got, despite seeming completely unplayable to me. Great review, Spoony, and thank you for doing what you do! =)

  • calbeck357

    Jesus FUCK, Spoony… you literally gave me the dry heaves here. I’m not kidding! I had to look away and get myself under control for a few minutes. God DAMMIT.

    • Glenn Seto

      Really? Somehow I’d only expect those pubes to be real in a Brad Jones production.

  • Alex Drennen

    poor spoony

  • Manuel Wolf

    your video is taunting me spoony!
    it’s right there, on my youtube front page and i can’t watch it because the fucking gema (gema is german for everyone who knows their name hates them) has banned it in my country.
    can you please upload it elsewhere and put that link on your site, or is there someone in this comments section who knows how to bypass this?

    • Glenn Seto
      • Manuel Wolf

        thanks mate, i owe you one.
        if you ever need your balls licked, call me. i have a very gentle dog :P

        • Glenn Seto

          If it’s all the same to you, good sir, I’ll consider the good laugh I got out of your reply payment enough.

  • Lucas Allen

    Who else was expecting Burton to say “groovy” and then quickly turn his head before it cuts to black?

  • MichaelT

    So FFXIII has all these insurmountable issues, from the complete lack of a focused plotline, the unlikable characters, the ridiculous concepts like the super-powered trenchcoat or the bird whose name must not be spoken, the linear-as-all-hell gameplay, the useless systems for leveling up and upgrading items, and the fundamental misunderstanding of how stories are supposed to be told in any format…
    …and XIII-2 is supposedly worse?

    …Spoony, I think you’re going to die.

    • Dr. Cakey

      Yeah, XIII-2’s plot isn’t as good.


  • Tristan Pendergrass

    Thank you for not using blip, they are being unreasonable when it comes to ads recently.

    • magnusk_98

      As a German who can’t see this video without proxy add-ons because of the dickweed GEMA/Youtube conflict, I STRONGLY DISAGREE. I hope the Blip version is up soon.

      You can always go and suscribe to Spoonys Youtube channel if you dislike the Blip player so much. The video is available for the everyone outside Germany there, too.

  • dragonfly82

    So was this the final part of the review or is there gonna be more??
    If it is, why no final battle against Lightning? Sephiroth could always save Spoony again….

    I wished I’ve could’ve returned my copy of FFXIII the first day I bought it, now it just collecting dust after only about 6-8 hours of gameplay.

    • San Shinobi

      I played FFXII at a local activity center during my Army days. They had a copy, so I didn’t have to pay a dime. The gameplay was such that I could study Korean during a battle.

    • MaraBackman

      I suppose we’ll get to the drama once 13-2 causes his mind to break reality, leading to whatever Sephiroth is up to.

  • Cassidy Silver

    One guy says they sacrificed game play for story, the other says they sacrificed story for game play. Sounds about right

    • TheKindlyOnes

      “Hey! You got peanut butter in my chocolate!”
      “HEY! You got chocolate in my peanut butter!”

      … Why does it just look like a giant turd rather then anything appetizing..?

  • Alex Stockwell

    “It becomes very difficult to tell a compelling story when given that much freedom.”

    Translation: Fanboys whined about Final Fantasy XII, so we’re doing something the exact opposite of that, because we still haven’t figured out that fanboys whine about EVERYTHING.

    • Jonesy89CFPD

      To that quote, I have two words in response: Planescape Torment. Sure it’s harder to tell a compelling story, but that doesn’t make it impossible, nor does it meant that you shouldn’t try. Look, I admit some games go a little too far in in the direction of giving total freedom to the point that the story is crippled as a result, but the solution there is to strike a balance, not make your RPG completely linear without any freedom to roam around the world and do miscellaneous stuff.

  • ilya sul

    GEMA, I bite my thumb at thee!

  • Nick Godbout

    Well now. That was some fast fucking turnaround. Hopefully this satisfies all the people bitching about too many counter monkeys and not enough FFXIII.

  • sekiwat

    Seeing footage of this game has really made me think about just how much the game industry has changed over the last 20 years. I pretty much grew up alongside Final Fantasy and watched it go from a very simple looking, yet charming game to this turd pile. It makes me think about video game companies in general, and the kinds of large fan bases that have grown around them. Yet, popular companies like Square-Enix, Nintendo, etc are really not the same companies they used to be. The 1980s and 90s were a golden age with some remarkably talented and creative people, but those people have moved up in the industry and have been replaced by a new generation. I’ve noticed a bit of a trend with this generation of game developers in Japan; they’re able to make things look good. They’re able to make things sound good. Animation and art design have come such a long way, and yet the things that actually matter with a game like gameplay and story are just utterly neglected. It seems less like what I’m seeing is the product of creative and original thought, but more the product of a group of fans that are aping a more creative, older generation. But they’re not even aping the good parts of that generation. It seems to me that they actually believe that the soul of Final Fantasy is just in art design and nothing else. Same with Zelda.

  • Tai_MT

    I never actually finished this game. I rarely ever finish Final Fantasy games to begin with (many of them are just too freakin’ long to try to struggle through with highly difficult and annoying minigames that result in equipment and such), but this is one of those games I keep telling myself I’ll come back to and never really pop it in. I got all the way to the fight with Bahamut, lost the fight and went, “crap, have to watch that freakin’ cutscene again if I want to attempt it again”. I turned the game off at that point and haven’t been back. The story has been massively convoluted from the word “go”. I’m surprised you even got to the end of it, Spoony. I’m not even in the “free roam” portion of it, and I’m 50+ hours in!
    I wish you would’ve mentioned the “brick wall” your levelling hits at a certain point. Once the entire Crysterium is unlocked for everyone all of a sudden it turns into “grind territory”. To get to the next level in jobs your character is good at, it’s like 6000 XP (equivalent to about 12 or 15 fights at that point in the game). To level in a job your character isn’t good at, it takes twice or three times as much as that. Ho-ly-fuck. Monsters at that point in the game don’t even start dropping any more experience! They drop about the same amount as before that point! So, to get that +2 Strength you want on Fang you suddenly need to spend about 30 minutes in battles. Oh, and here’s the fun part… WE’RE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THEIR GRID! Most of these jobs hold something like 110-150 nodes to power through! 30 minutes multiplied by 55 or 75… I guess Square Enix must’ve REALLY wanted me to freakin’ play their game. I didn’t even get far enough in to see if monsters in the free roam area drop significantly more XP or better items to level weapons with.
    You know, I did like the Sphere Grid though. At least at some point that opened up and allowed for SOME character customization. I turned Rikku (who was getting 4 turns per monster turn at that point in the game) into a Lightning Bruiser. I threw her into Auron’s portion of the grid and suddenly she was the best character in the game. I liked being able to do that, even if it was basically just a hallway most of the game. The crysterium is a freakin’ joke though. Worst level up system ever. Zero customization… No freedom to even shore up weaknesses in characters. Just as well have called the characters what their actual jobs were in the game. Would’ve saved some time.

    • Furrama

      At least in X the hallway had… towns and junk. And puzzles. And chocobo races. And a fixed camera that hid the chests and hidden areas.

      • Tai_MT

        Also true. I loved being able to at least explore a little bit and interact with people in towns… Plenty of awesome things to do… Even though it was less than what I had hoped it would be.

  • dasfonzie

    for fucks sake man clean your kitchen counters!

  • Deanna Jackson

    Gotta love the bullshit excuses the makers give for why folks think their game sucks. XD

  • Drew Taylor

    “[It] becomes very difficult to tell a compelling story when you’re given that much freedom.”

    Right, tell Bioware and Bethesda that. Oh, and let’s not forget devCAT studios (the folks behind Mabinogi). There’s also Rockstar, they made games with lots of freedom as well as compelling storylines. Hell, a huge amount of FF games give tons of freedom and have a deeply compelling storyline. If you can no longer rise to the challenge of making something good, then don’t say it’s too difficult, be honest and say you’re too lazy.

    • Chris Lauderdale

      I agree whole-heartedly, but also wish to add a few more examples to show that adding a compelling story in games with a lot of freedom is not only possible, it’s pretty common.

      Let’s add Ubisoft to the list. Assassin’s Creed and ESPECIALLY Far Cry 3 added a lot of freedom yet had compelling stories.

      Batman: Arkham City, largely sandbox, but had a good story.

      I get it that you have to ease someone into an established setting, but if you are spending more than 10% of the game getting someone accustomed to the games setting rather than exploring it, you fucked up.

      Your game stuck us in a complete hallway until over halfway through the game, and then we got ONE open field. Once we were done with that, hallway again until the end of the game, or damn close to it (I only made it through like 80-90% of the game)

      Square-Enix just ended up with WAY too many artists and not enough game designers. They had to work all of these extensive and often overdone settings into the game and yet had barely and mechanical depth to them. There were no real open areas to explore, or complex mazes to move around in. I don’t even know if you ever actually get an airship, but if you do it is WAY too late in the game for you to care. Instead we have a myriad of pretty backdrops, some overly designed enemies and outfits, and incredibly expensive looking cutscenes that do absolutely nothing to enhance your understanding of what the hell is going on.

      The problem with the art design of the game is that it is too complex and obviously trying to compensate. They add things that aren’t necessary, frills and designs that are both odd to look at and impractical. They are like pouches to Rob Liefeld. In fact the whole art design reminds me of Liefeld in how overly stylized it looks.

      It’s not like Final Fantasy hadn’t done open ended before. Final Fantasy X-2 was more non-linear and was considered better for it by most people. Final Fantasy 6 through 9 all gave you airships and alternate paths to run around in. They all had minigames, collectibles, hidden temples and places to explore for cool items and side stories. Hell, Final Fantasy 7 had optional characters! If you forget, Yuffie and Vincent were both very optional characters to pick up at all. Final Fantasy 8 had a whole bunch of GFs you could optionally search for. Final Fantasy 9 had tons of side scenes and backstories to explore as well as extra summons. Final Fantasy 6, my gods…

      Square-Enix, you stopped making a game at some point and made a slightly interactive movie.

      You took away the freedom for side quests.

      You took away world exploration and airships.

      You took away the freedom to effectively choose your character’s path and weapons. You didn’t strictly make them unavailable, you simply made upgrading a new weapon or crystarium function so impractical no one would want to do it.

      You made weapon and armor crafting impossible and weapon upgrading needlessly complex.

      You turned battle interaction into press 1 button and paradigm shift, taking a lot of control away.

      You boiled away all equipment until all that was left was a weapon and one armor piece.

      You took away side games, even card games, collectibles, and instead gave us an in game wikipedia.

      And I can only assume that this is meant to allow focus on characters, setting and plot? Well I hate to point this out, but you failed to use that to it’s full potential. You drop the player into a VERY complex and nuanced setting In Medias Res while utilizing dialog that assumes you know what the hell they are talking about and yet they are either explained much later in dialog (so the moment is lost) or not explained in spoken dialog at all and instead inside the wikipedia.

      Not to mention that the characters are mostly irritating, unlikeable, or boring.

      As for the plot, I didn’t know who the villain WAS. To this day I still have no freaking clue. There was that one Fal’cie Barthandulus or whatever, but he doesn’t appear until pretty far in and he dies pretty soon after appearing. Final Fantasy has always had some sort of villain character who plagued the heroes, even if they weren’t the FINAL villain, they were at least an obvious antagonist. 6 Had Kefka and Emperer Gestahl. 7 Had Sephiroth and President Shinra (both of them). 8 had Seifer and the Sorceress Edea. 9 Had Queen Brahn and Kuja. Even 10 had that Seymour, Jecht, Sinn, Yunalesca etc.

      This game just failed on so many levels in storytelling, and in making it a damn GAME instead of a screensaver.

  • Norman Stillwell

    The ratings at the end of the video that give such positive reviews of this game despite the valid points Noah as made, makes me question the nature of how some of those in the gaming industry hide behind the arguments of You dislike something because you are not seeing it right, or You are not being open minded enough, when presenting their work to the masses.

    Now I am not saying that the people who genuinely like FFXIII would resort to such methods, but you would think that the producer and director of all people would have been able to come up with better arguments than what was quoted at the end of the video in order to do justice to their own game.

    • Norman Stillwell

      That being said I also wonder why Square would want to make a FFXIII-2 and FFXIII-3 when plot wise the story had been wraped up as best it could.

      • Patrick Coyle

        One factor: somebody decided that Lightning is the greatest character ever, and wants everybody else to agree. She returns as the main character in XIII-3, and while you don’t play her in 2, she’s the only protagonist on the box art, and been Mary Sued to hell and back.

        Seriously, when the two actual protagonists aren’t talking about and failing to grasp the concept of time travel, they’re talking about how awesome and amazing Lightning is and how she can do anything. It gets real tedious, real fast.

      • San Shinobi

        I guess they wanted a second chance. I don’t blame ‘em.

      • Grant Gyves

        Money. That’s honestly the only real reason. They figured they could get away with getting more money for more bad games, and- surprise, motherfuckers!- they did.

    • Doleth

      I’m going to say bribery. There’s a serious risk that game company may pull advertisement and ban the magazine/website from reviewing their stuff or at least not let them have review copy, meaning they can’t review an upcoming game, meaning they lose costumer, meaning they lose money. Don’t know if you know about it, but a Gamespot editor lost his job because he gave 6/10 to Kane & Lynch, since Eidos was advertising the game heavily on the site. It’s why when looking at review for a game, you should check user reviews or smaller indie guys, like Angry Joe or Bennett the Sage or Spoony when he does a v-log review.


      Well, some of them are obvious I suppose.

      The Japanese stuff suffers form SEVERE “Whatever is new is the BEST EVER!” stuff no matter if it’s games, anime, movies, etc., etc. like usual.

      Gamespot is the most pathetic site ever that will give horrible games good scores/ratings if they pay for advertising.

      etc., etc.

  • Kath Arsis

    No Final Fantasy XIII-Reviews for Germany :(
    The GEMA striked again! -.-

  • badjetter

    to the director of ffXIII about open worlds and no story three words… Red Dead Redemption. Fell the burn

  • Doleth

    Great review, I laughed out loud a few time.

    To be fair to the game, I think Evil Pope Guy is the only Robo-God that can speak, given that he say himself that he’s the voice of blablabla and he’s pretty much the only Robo-God that ever speak, beside the final boss, who’s part Evil Pope Guy anyway. Granted, the game does not really deserve to be fair with, such a pile of crap.

    Wish you would have done the rest of the game too, mostly to point out how much Grand Pulse sucks and how much bullshit is that “First Half of the game is linear” and “Letting them loose” comment. There’s sidequest in one chapter out of thirteen only(you can go back there after finishing the game) and the sidequest are all “go there and fight a monster” with no real strategy involved for most of them. There is no NPC to talk too, there is no real exploration and the map is just an hallway with one big room, with more hallway opening up as you progress linearly through chapter 11 and the sidequests.

    The whole “Chapter 11 is when the game get awesome!” thing is seriously pretty much just Stockholm Syndrome, where the rest of the game is so bad that the small illusion of freedom there make it seems so much better than it really is.

    And that “The game is so linear because we had a good story to tell!” comment…fuck you Yoshinori Kitase and Motomu Toriyama, I hope the producers and directors of all the other game in the series beat you up with 2 by 4, given that all of them are less linear and have better story! And fuck you, even Skyrim had a much better plot and characters than fucking FFXIII and I spent most of that game leading people to the highest point I could to FUS RO DAH! them to their death. Fuck, the Dead Rising games have better plot and characters than FFXIII and those games are mostly concerned with finding new way to kill zombie in ridiculous outfit!

    • Green Fred

      Nah, there are other fal’Cie that can talk, like Orphan and Titan. Though I seem to recall that Barthandelus is the only one that can pass off as a human.

      Otherwise, this entire comment hits the problems with the “it’s great after twenty hours!11!!” claims on the head. Pulse deserves to get several of its own videos, given how much bullshit is squished in a relatively barren world. How is it that the tiny moon has more unique areas, monsters, and people in comparison to the giant, unbridled, and supposedly deadly world below?

      • Doleth

        I did mention Orphan, but good point with Titan. Could be that Titan was Barthandelus equivalent on Pulse, could be that the game designers had their heads too far up their own ass.

        • Dr. Cakey

          Also, Eden was supposedly the head of Cocoon’s government or advised them or something, at least according to the Datalog. You never see it talk, though.

          • Doleth

            As far as I remember, Eden is Cocoon power source and ran the government through Evil Pope Guy, so that doesn’t mean it can talk to non-Robo-God people…wait, why am I defending the story?

          • Dr. Cakey

            I checked the FF Wiki to be sure, and here’s what I got from the Datalog excerpts:

            “The namesake of Cocoon’s capital, this fal’Cie directs the others of its kind who support the world’s day-to-day existence.”

            My mistake…is what I thought, but then:

            “While Cocoon’s other fal’Cie do not communicate with humans, Eden does. Presiding over the Sanctum’s otherwise human administration, the fal’Cie is known to issue orders to the Primarch and step in to correct political gaffes on occasion.”

            Although when I read this, it seems like they might be implying that the Primarch (i.e. Barthandelus) pretends that Eden speaks to him, whereas in reality it’s him making the decisions on his own. Except I don’t see any reason for him to do that, so…

          • Doleth

            But they’re both Robo-God, so still no human involved if they do speak to each other. And not having reason to do something doesn’t stop anyone in this game for doing it anyway, so…

    • Markus Criticus

      Wasn’t destroying Cocoon what all Fall’Cie want to do anyway? Why can’t he just make a L’Cie out of someone, tell him and call it a day?

      • Doleth

        Hell, why even bother given people superpower? Dude’s the president-pope of Cocoon, just mine the orphanages and raise a bunch of kids into fanatics, appoint them in key post of the government and army then have them destroy Cocoon with conventional means.

        In other words, the writers phoned it in all the way, hoping the pretty graphics and the made-up words would mask how shallow and dumb the story really is.

  • San Shinobi

    I am Barthandelus, Jumper of the Shark, Nuker of the Fridge, Fryer of the Coke.

    • badjetter

      Frying the coke would imply that there would be a amazing payoff at the end. there is not

    • MichaelT

      That’s actually not the best analogy. These phrases are used to describe when something is so ridiculous, over-the-top, and outrageous that it strips a narrative of its seriousness and believability (a better example from FFXIII of a “shark jump” would be the chocobo whose name can cause a rift in space-time or whatever). Barthandelus is just a plot hole so gigantic you could steer a space shuttle through it.

      • Jerry Forbe

        *coughing and spilling coffee* lol Barthandelus fits the ‘ridiculous’ factor.

    • Atmos_Duality

      Dude, Final Fantasy jumped the shark well before FF13.
      The exact moment is somewhat difficult to pin down, but it’s somewhere in either Dirge of Cerberus, or Advent Children.

      I’m torn between the moment in Dirge of Cerberus where a man with a jockstrap on his face merged with his brother’s body because his brother had downloaded the consciousness of Hojo into his mind OFF THE INTERNET and was taken over.
      The moment in Advent Children when Cloud gets boost-launched into the sky to fight Bahamut by having Yuffie give him the most epic Leg Hump ever.

  • Javier Marcelo Pacheco

    I just played FFXIII-2 a few weeks ago and it was a very similar feeling. The story was so convoluted yet pointless, that I found myself skipping most cutscenes after a while and the story never moved on. Just keep looking for the bad guy in random time rifts and he wants to destroy everything because of some emo reason stolen frorm Magical Knight RayEarth. But at least I could hit max levels without actually grinding and it was eventually over.

  • San Shinobi


    I think my mind just blue-screened. I know FF13 wasn’t exactly slapped together like a CoD game, and I can appreciate the effort that was put into this game. But in the end,it is what Wired Magazine called “a failed experiment”. The effort was valiant, and sometimes it shows, but Square might’ve finally bit off more than they could chew with this game. Sure, the dev team definitely deserves an A for trying, but objectively, it’s a fuckin’ train wreck! I don’t know what elixir are these Famitsu readers drinking, anyway!?

  • David Pierson

    You know, I was just playing my old post game save file of XIII (oddly enough, thanks to this series of reviews), and I gotta say; if the whole game had been like Pulse, with open areas, hidden areas, with a few linear connecting areas, the game probably would have not garnered as much hate as it did.

    Sure, the story is still one of the most horrendously told in fiction history, but a more freedom approach might have softened the blow, at least a little. It’s just sad that the script for this game is so horrendous, it could have been so good. The story is interesting, on paper, the characters are interesting, on paper, and the world is unique, on paper. So sad.

  • Brian Kenny

    for the upgrade system: organic items add to the exp multiplier but give less exp than the mechanical items. Mechanic items, on the other hand, give much more base exp but take away from the multiplier.

    Goal is to get your multiplier to max using organic items and then dump a shit load of mechanic items with the 3x exp bonus in one go.

    All of this is manageable, if incredibly stupid. But the whole getting new weapons that are likely better than the current one your using but you have already spent a butt load of exp on your old weapon is complete bullshit. This could have been solved by some sort of transfer system that transfers the exp from one weapon to another.

    All of this said, this is a horrible game. I am ashamed to have finished this piece of shit.

  • William Winston

    Hey, Square Enix, you know what happens when you give people freedom, don’t give exposition out the nose, and make it so that you have a pretty big choice as to how you characters level up. You get Dark Souls.

    • bloodshed113094

      No, you get any RPG other than FFXIII. Or Eternal Sonata…

      • Zaydin

        Eternal Sonata at least had the benefit of a mostly cohesive plot that didn’t require reading mountains of exposition in a thrown together glossary.

        • bloodshed113094

          That because it was overly explained at the drop of a hat for a bare bones plot. Say what you want about FFXIII, but at least it was written by writers and not a composer! I wish I was joking!

  • Christopher Korte

    I agree with everything so far and the only reason why I didn’t rage at that part before, is that I had forgotten so much before I got to barthandelus. Why did I forget? Simple, I forced myself through it, but it sure took months between playthroughs. One thing though that you haven’t touched too much upon is the battle system though. Like how they give you the illusion of freedom in battles, yet because of the fast pace, and because switching roles so often makes instead a sort of auto battle, with occasional rock paper scissors game x 3. To some maybe sounds fun, but I’m used to having choices in my RPG games, and being able to come up with different strategies depending on my characters, or how I have built my characters, either with gear or leveling.

    While in FF13 I just sit there on the couch watching them fight while I press the X button, and change “strategy” depending on the situation. How is that fun? That part is something I can never figure out. I mean, even though Drawing was boring in FF8, it at least gave you different way of customizing your characters, and it gave me different ways to play. I mean there I could for example when fighting Omega Weapon, try for the lot’s of war hero’s potions and casting Aura, while trying to get The End limit break with Selphie. And it worked.

    I sure didn’t feel that I had any choice in FFXIII……. It was neither an Action RPG, nor a Turn Based RPG. It was just boring.

    • doresh

      I don’t understand this either. Did they think their customers find combat boring? Cause automating everything won’t help.

      If this trend continues, then FFXV will be Progress Quest with FMVs.

  • Furrama

    I… I liked the sphere grid. Well, once you got unlock keys and really got to move characters into other character’s grids. Kimari gets to do that a little earlier, I guess he was there to play with before they took the training wheels off. It was pretty interesting if you were going for stuff in the monster arena, or fighting the extra bosses in the PAL release.

    The licence grid and the crystarium though? No, didn’t like those so much.

    I really wish they’d go back to a real turn based battle system. And friggen reuse that attack order UI feature from X, it was so wonderful and useful and aaaaaaaaagggggg….

    • doresh

      The grid was actually pretty interesting. Reminds me that I should finally get around to play Digital Devil Saga (since it features a similar system).

      But the License Baord and Crystarium highlight one of FF’s major problems: Square-Enix NEVER improves or at least re-uses features. They always have to waste time and resources to create something completely new that is kinda similar, even if all you do is take the old feature and expand it.

      There’s innovating, and then there’s reinventing the wheel because you throw away your wheels after one use.

      • Grant Gyves

        I find the License Board to be alright, but that’s mostly because my experience so far has been that I acquire licenses faster than I acquire the equivalent equipment or abilities. Not to mention that everyone having access to Revive and Cure spells is handy as hell.

        • doresh

          It’s certainly not a bad idea per se, but I found the execution to be a bit shallow:

          – The board could be improved immensely if the equipment licenses would not allow you to use the items in question, but rahter IMPROVE how your character uses it. It basically amounts to the same thing (since you’ll only equip your characters with equipment they can use the best), but it feels much more rewarding (since it makes numbers go up, and people love that). You could also unlock passive or active abilities that way (like increased crit for dagger experts, or a rapid-fire attack for bow users).

          – Several fields felt a bit like fillers. I don’t really get why you need to spend points so that your character can trul heal every status effect with an All-Heal. And those Potion-boosting fields resulted in the game never bothering to tell you how much a potion will actually heal unless you use it.

          – Those Blue-Magic-esque techniques are just weird (apart from Steal, of course).

          – Why “Scan” is even a status effect if it is active for what feels like an eternity and can be spammed without issues, I have no idea.

          • Grant Gyves

            Those do sound like some interesting improvements, especially shifting the licenses from “can use stuff” to “can use stuff you could already use before, but better.”

            As for the Libra (“scan”) ability being a status effect, I can kind of see where they’re coming from. Being able to know a monster’s total and current health, status, elemental affinities, and other such things simply by looking at it with no prior experience makes little sense unless you have some kind of magical aid. As for not letting you see that information upon later encounters without Libra, you could argue that you might have already learned/memorized the general information yourself, and that it would still be weird if you could sense a creature’s total remaining life force without magical help.

          • doresh

            The execution is still flawed. The ability lasts so long I barely spend a moment WITHOUT it being on. It basically was a permanent ability.

            As for the informations shown, I’d like to point out Persona 4: An enemy’s health will only be shown after you’ve already defeated a specimen, and an elemental affinity will only be revealed after you’ve used said elemental on a specimen to see what happens.

  • Nyaore

    I wish I had the guts to drop the game at this point. Instead I forced myself to keep playing until almost the very end because I didn’t want my sixty dollar investment to do to waste. However in the end I only ended up wasting more of my precious time in the attempt. I haven’t picked the game back up in over two years and frankly I have no desire to do so, even though I’m probably an hour away from the end. Frankly I applaud you Spoony for saying enough is enough and stopping here. Nothing improves from here on out, and even the illusion of freedom on Gran Pulse was a let down at best.

  • Crunchy Bee

    WHAT THE FUCK????? i cant watch this video because of FUCKING GEMA????????????????????????????

    • Brnd Myr

      Use ProxTube. It helps wonders!

      • Crunchy Bee

        thanks, but know it works ^^ i dont know why, but the problem solved itself :D

  • Eric Deming

    Awesome Sketches Spoony. This game is so bad, you could buy it for $5 just months after its release. THAT is how bad it was, game stores knew that shit was going nowhere.

  • Micha

    The video is blocked in germany because of music rights.

  • facebook-13748455

    We need another FF5 system. I mean, isn’t that most realistic? You become stronger from training?

    • doresh

      Plus the Job System kicks ass. I’ll never get why the main franchise ditched that after FF5 Oo

      Oh, and it was WAY more open than FFXIII. In fact every JRPG I know is more open than FFXIII.

      • Bret Hewes

        FFX-2’s Dress spheres are effectively the job system.
        (mind blown)

        • doresh

          It’s not part of the main franchise (since it’s a spin-off of FFX), but you’re right. The job system is the main reason why I can’t really hate the game XD

  • Mr. RHC

    Loved this review, this one was really funny, for the wrong reasons the game provided.
    The anticlimactic Barthandelus is one of my major gripes with the game, the series never had a more blatant and uncharacterized boss. At least when it comes to the games I have played.

    I guess it’s Time to leave them all behind(winks to Raiden*), forget the Lightning series for good. But I guess it’s not over yet.

    Please, Square Enix, at least bring it for E3 with Versus as XV, ps3, ps4, I don’t know, just be there please.

    • badjetter

      what got me was that Barthandelus was the only boss that you fought. he would kill all his minions and have himself be the level boss. every time I fell like I was going to fight a named character that enemy dies with out a fight

  • Christopher Riley

    You win the internet for that Kryten reference :D

  • Bobby Ladd

    These games really don’t affect me much I stop buying Square-Enix games after FF7 & FFT, I’ll admit I bought FF10 because it was the first on PS2 and forced myself to finish, but was not silly enough to buy X-2. Still have it, can’t give it away. So in short square will never get another red cent out of me until they get back to their roots of Fantasy storytelling. What they need is to stop with the sequels and return to the grand story encompassed in the original games like FF1 and FF2(FF3?4? Japan), even FF3(FF6) was not bad stories for there days. The problem is the newer platforms have such processing power and Square dose use that power but it seems it is just used on graphics not on the capacity of data devoted to the story. If they ever got it together it would be the most epic game ever,… but we all know they would screw it up!

    • Michael Krause

      They would only get it together if they fired Motomu Toriyama, and that doesn’t look like that’ll happen anytime soon. I think our best hopes are either the next Final Fantasy game flops so bad that Motomu is taken off of directing, or FF Versus XIII is finally made, pulls off live action combat, tells a story that hopefully does not have as many plot holes as this game, and maybe inspire Square, or just get away from the sci-fi genre. MAYBE then things’ll get better steadily.

    • CornBRED-X

      To be fair, when they did FFIX they said they were trying to get back to it’s roots and I think that one didn’t do so well and was received poorly by many (I personally liked FFIX but I get why some people don’t like it too).

      At this point though I really don’t remember how well they did at “getting back to their roots” anyway.

  • MrRuse

    So Yoshinori Kitase and Motomu Toriyama want to tell a story, and they want to do so in a linear environment. Fair enough.

    Problem is, they don’t tell half the story and the other half they tell over and over again. The best I understand at this point is that the l’Cie are robot gods who mess with humanity for shits and giggles.

    And you know what? I think the weapons in this game were designed like RPG characters of old, minus the forcing you to use them bit. Never leveled that spoony bard you have in your party? You’re forced to use him now, have fun you goatblower. Sort of like the Persona games, where your monsters determine your spells and defenses. And that’s fun, it makes for interesting gameplay. Except that in this game all weapons do the exact same thing except with different numbers, so you’re just using the one you leveled all the way until the final boss. It’d be like playing through Persona 4 using only Izanagi for Yu, except that you don’t get devoured by and can still damage like half the bosses.

    So how to fix that? Make some form of flat leveing tree (this pip makes you do more damage, this pip gives you more magic, these pips give 5% to weapon bonuses A, B and C and so on) that every weapon equipped to your character comforms to. With different bonuses for each weapon (ice damage, ignores armor, inflicts poison and so on) this can make for a variety of different weapons or effects. Or just do what Mass Effect 3 did: give you some mods for your weapons which you can level up by finding stuff or buying it.

    This is not a difficult thing to do.

    • doresh

      Sometimes, I think these guys would be better off making movies.

      It would already help immensely if you could destroy old weapons to get back resources (and some unique materials for compensation).

      Really cool would be a less cryptic system that showed you all the bonuses and abilities you can add to your weapon, along with its cost.
      Oh, wait, that’s how FFX did it, and we can’t have a FF game that reuses old features that weren’t broken <_<

      • Grant Gyves

        Sometimes I honestly wonder if the crew at Square Enix wishes they could make movies, but are held back by the oodles of cash their investors and executives see them making from their games (regardless of the games’ quality). And maybe bad memories of The Spirits Within’s initial reception. That uncanny valley hit audiences pretty hard.

        • Matho Depetris

          Movies? Spirits Within was stupidly akward and boring. We dont need another one of that, they suck makeing games AND movies

        • doresh

          Well, it didn’t stop them from making Advent Children and Last Order.

          (Then again, those are only spin-offs of an already existing story – a story they milked for all its worth)

  • JediAli

    Thanks Spoony, I needed that!

  • M_Appel

    I sold the game again before I even finished it. I made it to Pulse and then I just gave up. The open part where the game was supposed to get good was a massive disappointment as well. At that point I also showed the game to one of my friends who is an even bigger Final Fantasy fan then me. He hated it as well. I also started a new game to show him the linear hallway part of the game and he didn’t even recognize it as a Final Fantasy game anymore at that point.
    Heck, I had more fun with Asura’s Wrath and that was just a 6 hour interactive movie about a really angry dude!
    One of my coworkers was a MASSIVE fan of this game. She loved both XIII and XIII-2 and dumped a shitload of money on the best kind of special edition for both of them. I didn’t find her hot anymore when she told me that…

  • David Schmechel

    Thanks for putting it up on Blip Spoony! <3

    Also Whats a Paladin? … i died xD

  • Gregory Bogosian

    Spoony, you made one huge error in this review when you were discussing the weapon upgrading system. Materials that have already been used to upgrade old weapons are sunken costs, and sunken costs are by definition irrelevant to all future decisions. Therefore, the quantity of materials that you have already used to upgrade your old weapons, has nothing to do with whether you should give them up for new weapons and start the weapon upgrading process over from the beginning or not.

    • jaap rutten

      I’m not saying that’s not a valid way to look at it, but a lot of people put emotional stock in stuff they’ve invested in. As such is gains inherent value by being upgraded. If you approach this from a cost/benefit perspective you’re right, though with the incoherent upgrade system you still don’t know which weapons will end up maxing out on top. And the real problem was that by the time you get the new weapons, they suck in compared to the old ones precicely because you upgraded the old ones, so why switch over? That makes loot pointless and that is bad game design.

      • Gregory Bogosian

        I am not saying that the weapon upgrading process is well designed, it still sounds like a needlessly complex and opaque mess of variables. I am saying that one of Spoony’s major complaints with the system rests on a well known logical fallacy.

        • CornBRED-X

          This comment implies you haven’t played FFXIII and are making a case based on no knowledge. This explains your original comment in full now.

          The point was not whether or not you run out of resources (because really you wont) but rather the game is asking you to downgrade in the hopes that the new weapon will be bad ass later- which is stupid. You get a new weapon to get better stats. You don’t get a weapon to wait for it to be better then the weapon you had before haha. That makes no sense.

          • Grant Gyves

            It also doesn’t help that a fully-upgraded starter weapon more often than not outshines more than one new weapon. You could find maybe 3 new ones before you got a weapon with better base stats. The only reason I ever switched was because one gunblade allowed Lighting to recover some ATB gauge with each hit, compensating for lower initial strength and allowing me to get through the battles that much quicker, especially with an accelerated ATB recharge from some other equipment.

    • Cody Curry

      If you’re trying to min/max or even use a viable weapon, why would you use a downgrade for an item that could maybe in the future be better than the last one? It’s still an immediate downgrade, and since the game doesn’t let you know what the trade-off of switching will be, it’s just a crapshoot.

      • Gregory Bogosian

        Yes but when you do not know what weapon has the greatest maximum stats and you really are trying to maximize your weapon’s stats, deciding to keep your current weapon over a new weapon is also a crapshoot. Since the benefits of upgrading the new weapon are just as likely to exceed the loss of abandoning the old weapon, as the loss of abandoning the old weapon is to exceed the benefits of upgrading the new weapon.

    • CornBRED-X

      Well I felt they handled weapon upgrades poorly as well. I mean, it seems to me it would make more sense that any weapon you find later in the game would be better then a fully upgraded weapon from the beginning of the game.

      Isn’t that how balance works? It seems to be nullified if you fully upgrade the weapon and it’s better then anything else you find. That in turn makes you not care about any loot.

      I felt the same way as Spoony when I played this. Everything felt pointless. I’ve never seen a game where they asked you to downgrade your weapon at a point with the possibility it “might” be better later. That makes no sense.

  • TheKindlyOnes

    aawww.. I was hoping for a character fight between Spoony and Snow… Victory for spoony when he lures snow outside, only to have the retards head explode upon finding out there is no hallway, not barriers, or anything restricting his movement, and he actually has to function without something directing his movements in one direction….

    • Mike Lee

      But you fail to understand . . . there’s still XIII-2 to deal with! Which means he may have to face both Snow AND blunderbuss chick(whose name eludes me)!!! Or so I assume, seeing that I’ve not finished the first, and have a cursory curiosity in seeing how the latter plays out.

      • Gregory Bogosian

        There is also still Lightning Returns to deal with. I know that it has yet to be released, but it is still the third and final installment in the Final Fantasy XIII story.

        • TheKindlyOnes

          Well then he just loses snow outside in the world!

          Come next right, we see snow curled up in a box in an alley way with the spoony bums corpse rambling like the insane homeless guy he looks like, the alleyway safe for him, as its a hallway with only 2 directions..

  • Nick Kipouros

    I appreciate you putting into words step by step how the Crystarium is stupid and pointless. You’re the hero we all need.

    • Roger Smith

      Makes one miss the days of FF7 leveling. Pick weapon, pick armor, pick spells and junction blue support materia. Hit things, level up, gain certain stats. Find attribute sources to level up specifics, making characters unique (and only the grind-happy could make each one be almost exactly the same with source farming). Some weapons don’t have double slots, some weapons had better growth, some weapons had special effects that, while cryptic for the ultimate weapons, weren’t impossible to figure out with trial and error.

      I hope they don’t make a new FF7, because these assholes would take the formula and add some “materium”! Level up magic to specific spots because we want you to arbitrarily press a button instead of just automatically adding AP!

      • Drain

        If they made another FF7, it’d really be another Crisis Core; which was an abomination.

        • Sean Hood

          I think you mean Dirge of Cerberus. Crisis Core had issues, but overall it’s the best FF game that Square has made in a while…

          • Grant Gyves

            Hell, even Dirge of Cerberus was better than Final Fantasy XIII. Yeah, it was also linear, but in a 3rd person shooter with some RPG elements thrown into the mix, you’re not exactly looking for oodles of grinding or meandering about. And the story still made more sense. Sucks about the “circle strafe slowly and shoot repeatedly from your nigh-infinite ammo super pistol for glorious victory” final boss though. Huge letdown after the thrill of trying to defeat Weiss with barely any ammo left.

          • Maria White

            It also introduced some nice characters, not truly good, but think about it. Hojo probably messed up some of his experiments at some point creating Sephiroth, and Vincent. Makes sense there might be more of them, and like any mad scientist he just tucks them away to use them for a later date. You can make a missile fart out lullabies out of serin gas, but really, a half crazed abomination of whatever all you need is a crate and a laser pointer.

            Plus, the system it used made FAR FAR FAR more sense. You even to to wear jewelery on your guns if I remember correctly. For a girl like me, man that just hit the spot. I have a little hello kitty charm on my .22, I plan on putting more on it, but then I just might be giving the pink camo a bit of overkill.

          • Grant Gyves

            Hey, if the Hello Kitty charm makes your gun inflict Charm/Infatuation on your enemies, or casts love magic, go for it! Too bad you could only equip one charm/spell on a gun, although it did encourage you to switch between them as the situation demanded.

  • Mike Lee

    I am rather amazed that the two quoted from Team Shitthebed actually tried to dis on “Western RPGs”, like there WEREN’T 12 others in the SAME FRANCHISE, at least 3 of which that had both an open world AND a compelling storyline. I’m afraid that Rising Sun Sean Connery’s expectations of Japanese society have become anachronistic. Blame is a game that knows no boundaries, any longer Xb

  • Nick Kipouros

    This review has really been your best in a long time

  • Roach Queen

    Lately I’ve been playing FF12 over again because there is just no reason to count any higher.

  • Ernesto Nanez Porras

    Is this the finale or not? I thought it was because of the review scores at the end

  • Rolland Therrien

    Okay, after seeing that Insano sketch, I just gotta say..

    Spoony? The things you will do to amuse your audience? You, Sir, are Awesome. Get yourself a Klondike Bar.

    • ajm57

      What would do for a klondike bar?

      • Carteeg_Struve

        I’d go out and buy one.

        …. I’m not that creative, okay.

        • ajm57

          Beat up a 3rd grader and take his, just watch out for his older 4th grade brother. He packs a wallop.

    • Patrick Coyle

      Get him two. He needs all the cool, minty refreshment he can get into his mouth after the other things he put in there.

  • JoeAconite

    So even leveling up is a fucking hallway.

  • Roger Smith

    In regards to the ending comments from the Director and Producer:

    If you’re going to make us walk down a hallway to tell a story, make a movie. Video games are an interactive medium, and exploration in an RPG is vital to making us give a damn about the setting. Even then, I wouldn’t even bother since you fail on fundamental levels of storytelling. Sazh should’ve been our, the audiences, proxy, the guy we listen to about his take on the situation. He could’ve talked about the l’cie and fal’cie in normal terms to get us acquainted to how the world works. Plopping us in and giving us little to no exposition is confusing and irritating.

    Look at what FF7 did: 5 people doing an infiltration. Your guy is first introduced as an Ex-SOLDIER, which makes perfect sense as to who he is. Then Biggs comments that you’re definitely apart of this elite group, its odd that you’re in their group called AVALANCHE, and then Jesse asks a question “aren’t you the enemy?” There, in like 5 chat boxes, you’re established, and hints are dropped about various things. Then Barrett fills you in about ShinRa, Mako, and why they’re doing what they’re doing. Within the first five minutes I know more about FF7’s story than FFXIII’s.

    • Chris Lauderdale

      I honestly am not a huge fan of Final Fantasy 7, but I agree with everything you said here. That game, through a few minutes of dialog, manages to establish the setting in a way that everyone can understand without reading a wikipedia article.

      8 was a lot slower, but eased into the setting and through visual context you got the idea that they were at some sort of school, then you had the not so subtle tutorial through showing Selphie around.

      9 goes straight for tone establishment with a kidnapping of a princess during a play. You don’t necessarily get much of the plot, but you get a firm establishment of 4 key characters: Zidane, Garnet, Steiner, and Vivi. Also establishes one of the villains pretty well: Queen Brahne, and what sort of setting the game takes place in.

      Even fucking 10 did a better job of establishing the setting by having the main character be displaced from time some 1,000 years and thus having to ask all the questions that a confused audience member might ask. When 10 manages to succeed where you fail 13, you got problems.

    • LightningFarron19

      THey designed FF13 like FF10 due to the fact that FF10 is the fan favorite of Japan. When they tried to go the “Xenoblade Chronicles” route with FF12, it didn’t end well with Japanese folks. FF12 was received negatively by the Japanese people.

      So when FF13 came out, guess which country jumped for joy? Japan. Believe me, Japan has some weird tastes. Naruto keeps getting high reviews even after all this time, FF10 is considered better than FF7, FF13 is well received with Lightning voted as the #1 FF female in Japan, and they are quite negative when it comes to open world games.

      Personally, Spoony should have paid attention more because he missed quite a bit of obvious details that were explained in the game. The problem is with the pacing and the lack of Overworld with FF13. In actuality, FF13 has quite the nice, “okay” story. I would give it a 7.5.

      Believe me, The Last Story is FAR worse. If you don’t believe me, ProJared proved it in his “worst games of 2012″ and I have the upmost respect for ProJared and is galaxies far better of a reviewer than Spoony here. Even though he wasn’t a fan of FF13, he was more than respectful enough to say it was worth checking out. With FF13-2, he did state a few positive things about it, but ultimately said it was number 9 on his worst list of 2012. However, ProJared went BALLISTIC when it came to “The Last Story” and he had NOTHING positive to say about it than “I’m glad we got the game”. I personally asked him about this and he responded with the following:

      “I may not be a big fan of FF13 or 13-2, but I will say this: They are MORE FINAL FANTASY than The Last Story.” – ProJared.

      • MrJunkWatcher

        A 7.5 is not an “okay” story, that would be a “good” story, with an 8 being “great”, 9 “fantastic” and 10 being “(near) perfection”.
        A 6 or a 5.5 would be a better rating for an “okay” story, though I don’t get how you can give FF13 even that high of a score.
        Then again, considering your username….

        As for this ProJared guy, I’m not sure what that statement is based on, that he’s supposedly “galaxies far better than Spoony”, but I think your messing up their gaming knowledge, experience and overall critical legitimacy, with your own personal enjoyment of their reviewing styles and how much you agree with their opinion.

        And what the hell are you talking about “ProJared went BALLISTIC when it came to The Last Story”. It’s only one spot below FF13-2 on his worst games list. I don’t call that “FAR worse”. I call that “I liked a little less than the other one.”
        In fact, he was actually very kind to it, all things considering. He was just disappointed with it and blamed that mostly on the hardware, not the actual game. And sure he may haven’t said anything positive about it (which is not true, btw), but he barely even talks about it at all.

        Let’s go over some of his statements, shall we?
        “The camera and the controls constantly wrestle with each other” Well, I didn’t see any wrestling going on between the controls and camera in the footage he was showing, so I guess I’m just suppose to take his word for it? Seems legit.

        “The characters are one-dimensional”. Okay, HOW are they one-dimensional? Is there seriously no growth or change in their character? Their looks on the world don’t change, their situation is the exact same at the end of the game as it was in the beginning. Is that was he’s saying? I don’t know, because he never freaking talks about it.

        “The story has a decent set-up…” (hey, look at that, something positive) “…but it isn’t anything special, complete with an obvious plot-twist seeing coming since the first few hours” Okay, (ignoring the bad grammar in that last part) what is this decent set-up? What is that obvious plot-twist? If it’s so obvious it won’t be much of a spoiler if he tells us.

        He doesn’t explain the plot, he doesn’t talk in debt about the characters, he doesn’t talk about the world, the doesn’t talk about the combat system or the controls for that matter, he doesn’t talk about the voice-acting. The only thing he really talks about is how The Last Story could have been better if it was on a different system.
        And this guy is supposed to be “galaxies far better than Spoony”, who spends 2 hours explaining and showing every little detail of what is wrong with FF13?
        Did the definition of “better” change while I wasn’t looking or something?

        “They are MORE FINAL FANTASY than The Last Story.” OMG, it’s the end of the world!!! An official Final Fantasy game, released by Square Enix, the official developers and owners of Final Fantasy, as part of the official Final Fantasy franchise, is actually more like Final Fantasy than a game that has nothing to do with the franchise. THE END IS NEIGH!!!
        Note the enormous amounts of sarcasm, in case it wasn’t obvious.

        • J.G. te Molder

          That depends on how you look at the 1-10 scale. Blistered Thumbs use 5 is average scale, being in the middle, meanwhile the rest of the world where it is used to grade schoolwork, we go by 6 is the first time you get a grade that is more good than bad, and therefor that is the first passing grade. In that view 7-7.5 is merely okay/average. 8 is good, 8.5 is great, and a bove is ever greater levels of awesome. Everything below 6 are failing grades, and are just measurements of just how much you suck.

          • MrJunkWatcher

            I look at the 1-10 scale (just like the ACTUAL rest of the world) with games in mind, not school-grades, because we’re looking at a game here, not school-work.

          • J.G. te Molder

            No, the actual rest of the world look at the 1-10 scale as the absolute scale also used for schoolwork; only idiot Americans try to use it as an arbitrary, relative scale where 5 means average and that means exactly dick. Over time, with expectations changes, more or less bad games, a 5 could mean much better or much worse than a 5 meant a decade earlier.

            You want an absolute scale; one that actually tells you how good or bad a game is; one you get with 6 as a passing grade.

          • Patrick Coyle

            How can you rate any game on an absolute scale? Did FFXIII’s story get 75% of its answers correct on its midterms or something?

  • ajm57

    If this fucking “game” didn’t carry the final fantasy title, it would not have gotten any reviews over a 6.5, maybe 7. The only character that didn’t make me want to eat rat poison was lightning. I don’t know if reviewers were paid off or nostaligic, but it’s bullshit. This is one series that needs to be rebooted, with an all new team, or a team that made the best in the series.

    Thank you for playing this piece of shit so I don’t have to anymore. I’m going to trade my copy in for a dollar, if they’ll even give that to me. I tried playing through this game 3 fucking times.

    • Drain

      Why did you buy it in the first place? Final Fantasy has been in the gutter for a long time now. It’ll never even come close to reaching the glory it once had with 1-7 and other titles.

      • ajm57

        Well, I don’t why I bought it. I got it used, so those fuckers at square didn’t get my money. I was just hoping it would be decent. I was probably drunk, as well.

    • Sean Hood

      Ha, ha well you see that is the thing. On FF 13 if you see Marz Girls review of it. She hasn’t completed it yet, but she brings up the point that I think the only person on the team that make 13 that had any RPG experience or FF experience was the guy that did the music. It was a wholly new team and they fucked it up wonderfully.

      • Aschthebloody

        Marz Girl did complete ff 13, she even streamed it to people. i was watching it on and off to get her commentary on the end boss when it happened.

        • J.G. te Molder

          He’s talking about her review of it; not the game itself.

          • Aschthebloody

            oh, i guess i misread that

    • Grady Taylor

      If this thing didn’t have Final Fantasy in the title, it would have never sold 6 MILLION FUCKING COPIES! Jesus Christ, at least Final Fantasy VIII and X had some semblance of a plot. Yeah, it sucked, but it had a plot.

      I feel sick for even doing it, but I beat this game, and I can tell you right now that, up until big ol’ Barthandelus (by the way, why is the ‘h’ in his name silent?) shows up, the only inkling we have for the fal’Cie’s goals is to make l’Cie do their bidding for shits and giggles. Its only when this bastard shows up do you realize that the entire game is a gigantic roulette gambit to obliterate Cocoon and commit suicide to try and resurrect their God. I SWEAR TO GOD, I’m not making that up. I can’t believe that I wasted the 80 hours it took to beat the friggin game, and I can’t believe the best thing about that game was the Leona Lewis song they chose for the theme, even if it completely makes no sense in context! I totally get why Spoony would give up at this point. The game pretty much starts getting completely indefensible at this point.

      Also, I’m amazed that Spoony hasn’t talked about the fact that this game are CLEARLY trying to bait fans of Final Fantasy VII with much poorer clones. Because that’s what pissed me off the most. Cocoon is Midgar, Pulse is Gaia, Lightning is Cloud, Serah is Aerith, and it goes on. Its clear that they didn’t have clear paths with their characters, so they had to rip off themselves.

    • J.G. te Molder

      You tried three times!?

      I don’t know whether you’re just a masochist who got more pain than even a masochist can handle, or you just have balls of steel yet even that wasn’t enough to get through the entire thing.

      Either way, FFXIII level of pain is impressive one way or another.

      • ajm57

        Once a year for 3 years. I kind of blame Spoony, every time he reviews one of these games, I always go back and try it out myself…Maybe I am a masochist.

  • Nicholas M. Grey

    I couldn’t believe the sheer BALLS of the creators to try and DEFEND the game. To say that the FREEDOM…to move around on the world…to go where the PLAYER wanted to go…to do things like mini-games or enter towns or talk to NPCs…got in the WAY…of telling a good story. It didn’t do ANY of those things in the games that came before! Maybe the problem is your writing just sucks. If it was BETTER, you could have WORKED that story you wanted to tell INTO all this other stuff. And the fans TOLD you just as much!

    • ajm57

      This is why the company is failing. They do not listen to the fans, and now they are starting to pay for it.

      • Drain

        They know their fans are stupid and will buy any Final Fantasy title; so it’s only logical to slap together another piece of shit game to feed their hungry mouths.

        • ajm57

          I;m just glad I got I bought it used and for cheap. Never again.

      • CornBRED-X

        FFXIII was successful, so it got a sequel. That’s how business works.

        Why was it successful? I don’t know. Probably just good release timing. For example, I only bought it (no review before doing so, day one) because I was bored that day and saw a new final fantasy game was out and remembered liking older Final Fantasy games a long time ago and was like “I guess I could give it a shot”. Of course, that was a mistake. It’s probably the only game I’ve ever bought I regret.

        However, that’s just me. There are people who legitimately liked this game. There’s nothing wrong with that, although I would argue they should ask themselves why. I know I like bad movies, and I know why I like bad movies, so I can see where they could potentially be coming from (although most don’t ironically love this game, they actually like it- still nothing wrong with that).

        I don’t know how the sequel did, but I suspect it didn’t do as well.

        I guess my only point, though, is there there were some people that wanted a sequel to this game =P

        • Ryan Walsh

          I think games like this become greatest hits based on how well they sell. I actually made it farther in the game than Spoony did, and I can tell ya the problem myself in 2 ways with how the game doesn’t work for me.

          With the elements they used, it doesn’t “feel” like a final fantasy. it feels more like a final sci-fi than it does fantasy.

          And from what is known about the hallway, the leveling up system and everything else asides the narrative, the game very much feels like its holding your hand along the way. Telling you stories that makes you even more confused like a parent who just rambles instead of giving you answers. At least that’s how it feels to me.

          I honestly still think they can recover from this, (I’m an optimist, sue me) But considering the director for this game also directed FFX, here’s an idea, FIRE HIS ASS. Btw, Marzgurl actually does a good job telling on her end exactly the problems with this game if you want to know more.

          • Jerry Forbe

            I’m sure there’s a difference from optimism, and just blind faith.

          • Ryan Walsh

            If it was blind faith, I would’ve said that the next FFXIII sequel will be the best yet. Optimism just means that I like to look at the positives while acknowledging the negatives. The game still sucks of course, but I just think Square Enix can get back up when they get their act together.

          • Jerry Forbe

            Eh, just as long as you aren’t contributing to the madness. But, it happens to most companies who think that no matter what they’re producing the best out there and will do anything to defend it. Right now, I don’t think that sentimentality from SE is going to change. Not until people stop buying their crap.

        • ajm57

          I just don’t understand the company anymore. They bitched and moaned about how they thought Tomb Raider should have sold 5 million copies in the first month, when it sold almost 4 million. Maybe they’re all snorting the profits up their noses or in their asses, their ceo stepped down back in March due to financial trouble. They should release the FF versus game everyone wants.

          • Gborr

            It’s because of their horrific development costs. Practically half of Square Enix is an art-department that they feel obliged to feed by making them create trailers and designs and landscapes and a bunch of other things even if they don’t actually -need- these assets, and then there are the costs of advertisements, showing up at conventions and throwing parties to the press, and we didn1t even talk about the shadier side of business and such.

            Really, the problem is that big-name publishers and developers (not just Square Enix) are sinking millions upon millions of dollars into their games without even knowing whether there is a viable market for their games and how big a return they should expect in what time-frame, instead they just blame their “failing” sales on piracy and go on to sink orbital amounts of money in the next game. Really, you can blame this business practice for everything, from the shitty sequels through the forced MP in SP games till the intrusive DRM.

          • ajm57

            Thanks for the info. I never realized they were that bad with money. They really need to go back to basics. Final Fantasy games are a hollow shell of their former selves. I think maybe I was kind of spoiled, since the first ff game I played and got really involved in was ff7, and it was my first actual rpg. Damn I miss those days.

        • LightningFarron19

          It was successful because Japan loves overdramatic, bombastic storytelling, linear progression, colorful graphics, over the top twists, flashy fast paced battle systems and very beautiful women.

          The reason why FF13 was designed like FF10 is because FF10 is the Fan Favorite in Japan. When FF13 came out with the design VERY similar to FF10, Japan was very positive. That’s how FF13 got 2 sequels, because Japan was very positive and they really like the game (they made Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII the 5th most anticipated game in 2013 for Japan ).

          Personally I liked it, thought it was an “okay” story, and Spoony cut out a handful of details that explained in game most of these questions he had because he stopped paying attention to the game. I gave it a 7.5 because it was very average. However, I personally didn’t want a sequel to it due to the dreaded “”-2″ syndrome that it carried and that time travel is an EXTREMELY difficult subject to tackle. And I was right about it being a WTF story. With FF13, the story was very all over the place in the beginning, but eventually things got explained. with FF13-2, it went from simple to WTF and had big plot holes staring out looking right at you.

          • Gborr

            Here we go with the silly game-journalism rating. 7.5 is not “average”. 5 is average. 7.5 is good, borderline great.

            Just because the publisher-money skewed the ratings so bad that the big-name gaming magazines cannot give even the most mediocre game a score lower than 7 if it came from a big studio in fear of retaliation doesn’t mean that you should follow their scoring habits…

          • LightningFarron19

            My rating is an A-B-C-D-F ranking. I don’t go by silly game journalism ratings.

            My Ranking:
            10-9 is an A
            8.99-8 is a B
            7.99-7 is a C
            6.99-6 is a D
            5-0 is an F

            I wasn’t talking about ratings in Journalism, I was talking about fan reaction in Japan and other eastern countries BTW. I don’t consult video game critics (even Spoony I don’t consider his opinion) but how fans react to said game. I found out that Japan residents were very positive to the game.

          • Gborr

            You say that, yet you just described the silly journalism ratings perfectly, where anything under 6 is garbage while it should be the average, because it IS the statistical average of 1-10.

            Also, that issue has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese liking it. Japanese have VERY different tastes than westerners, to the point where there is an entire page dedicated on TVTropes to the cultural dissonance in their media. But again, this has nothing to do with my qualm about people like you making the 10 point scale completely useless by turning it into a 5 point scale. -.-

          • J.G. te Molder

            Meanwhile, back in the rest of the world where we’ve used the 1 to 10 rating system in schools to denote passing grades and how good you are; 6 out of 10 is the first time you have more good than bed, making it the first passing grade, a 7-7.5 is average, greater is every greater levels of awesome. Anything below 6 is ever greater levels of fail.

          • Gborr

            But then what is the point of the 10 point scale? This is not school where you have to achieve 50% to pass a test, this is a 1 to 10 scale where each step should be better than the previous one and where the mean average should always be 5.

            What you are describing there is actually a 5 point system, where 1-5 is completely discarded. It’s just skewed and pointless in the context of game-reviews.

          • J.G. te Molder

            Well, actually it is, like school; if you have only a 5 out of 10, you failed! Your game is bad, plain and simple; but you know, there was promise, if only they had put more effort into it, and maybe it’ll work as a “so bad it’s good” game. 4 out of 10 means this game just plains sucks, but you could play it just to laugh at the ineptitude if you like that sort of thing. 3 out of 10 is, I feel bad for you son, your problem may be a bitch, but at least you didn’t play this game, don’t do it! 2 out of 10 is “This is hell, get me out”, and 1 out of 10; you can send flowers to the reviewer in an insane asylum after his rage killing ended due to snapping from the sheer horror of playing this game.

            See, totally explains just how bad this game is; which you can’t do with the 5 out of 10 is average scale. After all, if all games are good, or the reviewer only played good games, his idea of average is very different from someone who mostly played bad games; 1 out of 10 could easily still be a 6 out of 10, a passing grade on the absolute scale. It’s the problem with a relative scale.

            But the absolute scale; with 6 out of 10 being the first passing grade; that thing actually tells you just how good or bad the game actually is.

        • anonimovoto2

          There is just one thing you should all understand, they are aiming for the casual player so, the game should not have very complex mechanics because it bores the casual player, as it should have a simple storytelling so anyone could grasp and move along. It is a no-brainer. And the characters are stupid because they are designed to resemble its audience.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            Casual gamers do not play RPGs released for major consoles. They play free-to-play games released on phones, tablets and Facebook. That is what makes them casual gamers.

          • anonimovoto2

            They play console as well, today’s games are designed to be a walk in the park, difficult challenging games frustrate the casual gamer and the games are designed to target the general public. Real gamers like challenging, complex games that you can dive in, casual gamers want a walk in the park with good graphics.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            What I meant to say is, casual gamers are not defined by their enjoyment of easy games, they are defined by their enjoyment of a specific genre of games, usually called “social” games and featuring a limited number of actions per-day and strongly encouraged interaction between the players via a social network separate from the game itself.

            More to the point, how do you know that the general public wants easy games? The average gamer is thirty years old and has been playing games for twelve years.


            I think that people like that want challenging games, because of their lengthy experience with the medium.

          • Gregory Bogosian

            What I meant to say is, casual
            gamers are not defined by their enjoyment of easy games, they are
            defined by their enjoyment of a specific genre of games, usually called
            “social” games and featuring a limited number of actions per-day and
            strongly encouraged interaction between the players via a social network
            separate from the game itself.

            More to the point, how do you know that the general public wants easy
            games? The average gamer is thirty years old and has been playing games
            for twelve years.


            I think that people like that want challenging games, because of their lengthy experience with the medium.

  • Derek Twitchy Moore

    Insano has a beard!!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!! NO!!!!

  • Drain

    I’m not surprised this game has glaring ratings. It has good graphics, high quality cutscenes, and huge production values. That’s all anyone cares about anymore. They don’t give a rat’s ass if the story doesn’t make any god damn sense at all. If it looks nice, they will 4/5 or 5/5 that bitch. It also goes to show you how many critics are either braindead stupid or were simply paid off by the publisher. Square Enix is a horrible company and Final Fantasy has just become a cash crop. I don’t know why people buy this crap. Go buy Dragon Age Origins or Mass Effect instead. Our “western” RPGs sweep this under the rug and that’s partly why you don’t have hardly any Final Fantasy fans over here.(The other part being that half the country worships FPS games)

    • CornBRED-X

      Actually the reviews are mixed (for instance Giant Bomb gave it a 3/5 which on their scale means if you like Final Fantasy games you may like it but it’s flawed).

      Reviews are just opinions these days, though. Everyone has one. I personally don’t like FFXIII because it’s just incredibly dull and boring to play. I don’t feel I should have to wait 20 hours for a game to be fun, assuming it even does get fun.

      Although, I’m not sure what you meant by “glaring ratings”- I am assuming here you meant glowing, by you’re wording, insinuating that all American reviewers only care if a game looks good they’ll just hand out a good review. Which is nonsense.

    • Matt Mather

      ” They don’t give a rat’s ass if the story doesn’t make any god damn sense at all.”

      Most people aren’t trained to criticise stories, though since amateur and pro reviews have found an outlet on the internet, and certain geniuses discovered that criticism can be entertaining when done right, more and more people are learning to think critically about stories in media. That still doesn’t make game criticism easy. For example:

      “Go buy Dragon Age Origins or Mass Effect instead.”

      And THEN try Dragon Age II and Mass Effect II and realize with horror what happens when clueless executives decide good writing is not a priority, so we don’t need to keep the same writers around for sequels.

      Incidentally, that’s the exact same reason why the Final Fantasy series is sucking so much: Square fired the guys who made the series good, and those guys are busy making good non-Square games for less money but buttloads of integrity.

    • J.G. te Molder

      Don’t forget The Witcher and The Witcher 2; and unlike Dragon Age and Mass Effect, it managed to keep the second installment (or third in case of ME) the same level quality, and may even have improved upon it.

  • capthavic

    I didn’t know a “western point of view” meant “not a drooling fanboy that would give a decayed turd a perfect score so long as it had the FF name attached to it” but guess you lean something new everyday :P

    But seriously I don’t know what people see in these games, I have never been so big a fan of anything that I wouldn’t know shit when I see it. Squeenix has become as vapid and air headed as the characters it makes and just like them has no clue what it’s focus is.

  • magnusk_98

    Thanks for embedding an international version, Noah. :)

  • David Miller

    Few things I want to say first off I admit to getting the platinum in this game and the sequel as well as all the DLC missions and what not, that said what Spoony says is mostly spot on with a few point of exception

    1) the weapon/amour upgrade system is really easy after you figure it out use Organic components such as the Murky Ooze in order to build up a EXP multiplier then use Machine parts for massive exp for leveling simple now if only the game told you that.

    2) the various weapons you find have different effects/abilites to them some for example let you build up the stagger gauge without breaking it so that when you do decide to break it it will be a lot higher so instead of breaking it at 200% you could break it at 400% Others let you build up your ATB gauge alot faster. So basically you would want to use the correct weapon depending on what type of enemy/boss monster you are facing.

    3) The reason they cap the levels for the roles until you advance the plot was a sort of Anti level grinding system they basically wanted you to play the game instead of spending hundreds of hours in the same spot in order to level up to the obscene levels that woulds allow you to basically crub stomp all the fights, which is interesting since alot of JRPGs are built around level grinding in order to extend play times, I am looking at you Disgaea series.

    4)Also while everyone gets access to all the classes at some point certain characters are still better at certain roles for example while Lightning can take on the sentinel role Snow is still the better choice since if you do max him out he has the highest HP and the all the abilities where as Lightning would only get a few of them.

    The leveling system of FF12 isn’t all that Linear or at least depending on which version of FF12 your using so for example in the regular NA version you are actually spot on now if you were to play the international version that was only released in Japan you could pick a class and you would be stuck with it for the rest of the game which added all sorts of challenge if you decided to face the 50 million HP boss.

    So yeah sorry for sounding like the FF13 defense force but it’s minor things like these that are overlooked in this type of review that really takes me out of it.

    As always Spoony one keep up the good work and I cannot wait to see what you do to FF13-2

  • CornBRED-X

    Fun watch, as always. The ending was a little confusing- did that mean you’re done reviewing this? I mean, I don’t mind- this game goes on and on and I kind of gave up on it myself so I wouldn’t blame you really. It was just a pit of bland for me.

    Square Enix has lost their way, but so has a lot of developers these days. It’s become very expensive to develop games so you want broad appeal or you cant make any money back. It’s very difficult to develop a modern game (as a major release especially). Making a game with only one audience in mind is not going to make your development costs back. We’ve seen this many times this generation.

    We’ve seen with FFXIII an odd dissonance. On one hand, they clearly want to make movies (which is odd because they don’t tell very good stories, and really never have- even if I like some of them =P ) yet the game play is also lacking in so many ways (I didn’t feel the game play in FFXIII was anything amazing and feels really uninspired- there is no strategic feeling to playing it at all). It used to be if game play was great the story suffered or vice versa but I feel like FFXIII suffers all around. No specific part of it draws me in.

    The game did well though (at least enough to garner a sequel) so I guess some people like what they’re doing with it- and they have a right to that as well.

    • J.G. te Molder

      Tell that to CD Project Red and they’ll laugh you in their face. The Witcher games are about as one-audience as you can get: adult serious RPG for the Ultima and table-top level DnD player; they don’t even bother with DRM and still they are laughing all the way to the bank.

      If other studios can’t keep costs down making a game; then their organizational structure is bad, with far too much overhead. Smaller, leaner studios are perfectly capable of producing AAA games and making them profitable even when they are for niche audiences.

  • Xandermorph

    “It’s like going to Amsterdam and finding out they an outta hash!”
    *shudder* no, no that could never happen…
    lol seriously though, that’s all but impossible at this stage :P

  • Xandermorph

    Spoony I gotta say you’re effective at making Burton seem kinda menacing :)

  • Grady Taylor

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention how the game split the Black Mage and White Mage jobs from previous games into four roles. Because, you know, THAT WAS TOTALLY NECESSARY AND STUFF!

    • Matt Mather

      Well I beg to disagree. I may be the only one who actually likes the battle system in 13, but let me point out that since you don’t have manual control over every character’s actions, it’s important to be able to distinguish between telling them generally “we need healing now” and “we need buffs now”, and super-vital to mid-battle tactics whether they’re using damaging magic or debuffing magic. Plus they already split up / redefined White Magic and Black Magic in previous FF games. Particularly XII, where buffs are usually “green” magic, debuffs are mostly categorized as “arcane” magic, and “time” magic has all the time-themed buffs and debuffs lumped together.

      • Aschthebloody

        i have to disagree that was not a battle system, it was squareenix’s way of trying to make a game not a game.

        • Kajitani-Eizan

          I think not, it’s a fairly logical extension of FFXII’s battle system. Plenty of people derided that game as “playing itself”, but it was brilliant. What is so great about manually selecting the commands yourself instead of programming them? In more strategic battle systems like FFX or FFT the manual control was great, but for the majority of the FF series, you pretty much just do basic, easily programmable stuff almost every round.

          Once you learn how to use it properly, there is plenty of gameplay in XIII’s battle system, despite a couple of small flaws (especially concerning the Medic AI being terrible for a game where party leader KO = instant game over…). Certainly FF5-9 and 12 were far more flawed, the former due to their silly implementation of ATB, and the latter due to the broken spell queue.

          • Aschthebloody

            i get what they were going for, a system that was an evolution of the system in ffx where it was done to great effect. but forcing the player to just sit there and watch the numbers go by as you just press one button is a bit of a waste of doing anything at all.

            the logic is that since this enemy is weak to that element the game will automatically use it for you, the dev team can go fuck itself for that one and its blossoming of the entire battle system form that one notion. its my mistake to make don’t just do it for me, if i didn’t read the scan menu right than i have nobody to blame but myself but if the game does it for me than i have no real point in trying. i mean really this is a GAME we are talking about here right? so by the basic of most definition that it would be based on interactivity on some level. so why take away any interactivity at all?

          • elconrado

            “What is so great about manually selecting the commands yourself instead of programming them?”


            By that token, what’s so great about playing a video game instead of telling someone else how to play while you watch?

            Well, again, agency.

            It’s the difference between creating a strategy for others to follow and applying a tactic in response to the changing situation.

            Players often want to feel engaged and involved when playing a game.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            I definitely meaningfully controlled my party in FF13. They did exactly what i wanted them to do in fluid real time, and my strategy was crucial to victory. Unlike, say, FF7 or FF8, where you can just mash X to select Attack and then watch as your characters whale on the enemy one by one. If you think that’s agency, more power to you.

          • elconrado

            You had meaningful control over what classes they were, and they went about doing their pre-defined, unchangeable tactics for you.

            I don’t know why you bring up FF7 and FF8, since it seems to me that’s the kind of thing you’re advocating for, but even still you had complete control of the character’s actions. You could mash X, OR you could execute a series of tactics according to your enemies.

            In XIII, you choose auto-fight, switch to a different paradigm, choose auto fight, choose auto-fight, switch to a different paradigm, choose auto fight, choose auto-fight, switch to a different paradigm, fight’s over.

            If you ever want to engage in the battle more, you can only command the party leader, use an item or summon an eidolon.

            Heck, you only really need 3 paradigms 90% of the time: Ruthless, Aggression and Protection.

            An let’s not forget that while previously Final Fantasy games were honestly only slightly better in regards to agency i fights, at the very least you had a lot of control over the characters progression, and hence, their fighting ability. Yes, that includes XII; Final Fantasy XIII is a step back from XII, a game derided for playing itself.

            And in the end, I don’t know why we’re limiting ourselves to only the FF series. TONS of RPGs have more engaging fighting mechanics with meaningful decision making, so the main point of the argument is still the same: players want agency.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            I disagree on almost all points:
            – You often need many more paradigms than that, sometimes even needing to custom tailor your paradigm set for each fight.
            – Your timing on paradigm switching, partial ATB usage, etc. tends to be an important factor in at least performing well on a fight if not for outright survival/chain maintenance.
            – When you do this right, you really feel like you’re commanding your team. I don’t need to micromanage every person’s actions, I just need to tell them “hey let’s build the chain gauge” or “hey let’s debuff that guy” and they do it. Even if Squeenix gave me the option of micromanaging them, I wouldn’t physically be able to keep up with the pace of battle.
            – You are saying this experience gives the player a much less satisfying feeling of agency than the previous ATB games where you select commands from a menu and then often see a significant delay between your selecting the command and it being executed. This is often not because the command has a delay time (e.g. time spent chanting a spell), but because the battle system is extremely flawed and runs on a silly system where characters’ ATB gauges continue to charge at a rapid rate relative to the time you spend deciding on an action and/or watching each action play out one by one. In other words, the strategy depends more on skillful metagaming of the menu rather than making strategic use of each character’s speed stat, concurrent actions, or Haste/Slow statuses. To each his own, I suppose.
            – The fact that you’re calling the characters’ full ATB gauge abilities “useless” makes me wonder if we played the same game. Did you ever try using them when your target is staggered? There are even interesting strategies that make use of unusual quirks of the characters’ ultimate abilities and the role system to help you fight some of the more challenging bosses in the game much more effectively.
            – As an aside, I’m not sure why you think XII, the worst game in the series in terms of character differentiation, had better control of your characters’ progression than XIII. The license board, by its very design, actively encourages homogenization of your characters. Perhaps XII IZJS does a better job, but most haven’t played it. XII has virtually no differentiation between characters at all, other than very minor stat and animation differences, the equipment you have them use, and the gambits you set up (which you seem to hate). Even their limit breaks are functionally identical. Even FFII had new party members arrive with different spells and different skill ranks in various spells and weapons.

          • elconrado

            I Platinumed the game. I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about.

            1) You only need three paradigms 99% of the game, the only exception being some bosses and missions. There is ONLY one strategy: debuff and stagger then go full on attack, defend and heal/buff when necessary.

            2) The timing I described maximizes your actions per minute. Switching Paradigms after filling the ATB bar and using it gives you an instant full bar after the switch.

            3) When you do this right, you’re pressing X, pressing X, pressing L1 and choosing a paradigm, pressing X, pressing X, pressing L1 and choosing a paradigm. I did this for 60+ hours, I would know.

            4) You’re defending this battle system by calling previous ones “flawed”? What was wrong with FFX? You’re complaining about the delay in actions on the older ATB systems, when that was accounted into them? You’re really grasping at straws now. Those weren’t perfect but you HAD -> choices <-, even with how the system itself worked. Not this one. You're NOT micromanaging anything, the GAME chooses the BEST attack type FOR you, it even TESTS them all to figure them out FOR YOU if you don't use libra/librascope yourself!

            5) The full ATB attacks are useless. It's a lot more efficient, to spam smaller attacks/debuffs in the time it takes to select, target and execute a final attack. Their DPS is ridiculously low. They do look pretty.

            6) Because the system let's you CHOOSE whether to specialize OR generalize your characters. "Choice", the magical word we all used to refer to RPGs a long time ago. Yes, it is ultimately best to train everyone in everything, but it's up to YOU to do all that. XIII doesn't even give you THAT courtesy.

            I played the game. I finished it, I played 20 hours beyond that point to complete it. But I'm not in denial: the game offers you VERY LITTLE CHOICE, both inside and outside of battles.

            The battle system had promise, but they screwed it up by treating players like babies.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            1) Um… no? Starting in Chapter 9 or 11, I forget, there starts to become too much damage coming your way to just spam your same strategies. You have to slug it out with a Sentinel almost constantly in your party for many fights unless you want to get owned pretty badly, and you will need more specialized paradigms than that if you want to perform well on most fights. Did you just run past any challenging fight in Chapter 11?

            Further, you’ve described the general battle strategy in almost every RPG. You might as well say, “There is only one strategy: make their HPs go down to 0.” I guess Star Ocean 3 is genre-defyingly innovative then, since they added an amazing SECOND possible strategy, increasing the number of valid strategies by 100%! “Make their MPs go down to 0.”

            2/3) If you didn’t use the Y/Triangle button or B/Circle buttons at any point, you have only yourself to blame for not feeling like you had any agency.

            4) Yes. It’s an enormous flaw that negatively impacts both the strategical elements of the battle systems and the feeling of agency. I am not sure why you are talking about FFX when I already cited FFX as being great, since it doesn’t have this flaw. The battles are very strategic and there is a strong temporal connection between my inputting a command and it being carried out. As for choices, I am not sure what your point is. All the same choices are there, if you choose to use them instead of autobattle. Sometimes the computer doesn’t pick the optimal choice I want, so I simply don’t use the autobattle for that turn. That doesn’t mean that the computer suggesting that you don’t use Fire against a Bomb somehow equates to the removal of choice. It’s really the illusion of choice, since one of the choices is glaringly stupid… the computer avoiding that choice doesn’t deprive you of any meaningful interaction. So I don’t see what choice has to do with this. Do you just dislike that you can only manually control one character at a time? If so, do you dislike battle systems like Tales and Star Ocean where you can only manually control one character at a time?

            (Btw, the main goal of using different abilities as a Ravager is not to test all the different elements, but to take advantage of the added chain bonus you get for doing so.)

            5) Uh… the CPU never uses them because the CPU is programmed not to use them, not because they are somehow never more efficient than normal abilities. Sorry, but did you seriously platinum the game? When you tell me about the “DPS” of the ultimate abilities being low, I seriously have to question this. First of all, none of the ultimate abilities were intended to deal DPS in the first place. Second, one of the ultimate abilities (possibly unintentionally) DOES have the highest DPS in certain situations and is key to the fastest method of taking down a Long Gui.

            6) This is the illusion of choice I was talking about. The system in XII does let you CHOOSE to specialize your characters if you want… but you’d be an idiot to do so. (Assuming you are trying to win the game and not artificially limiting yourself or something, which you can also do in XIII — see NCU Challenge.) It’s not a real choice if one of the choices is a moronic choice — just like flinging Fire spells at a Bomb.

            Where I will agree with you is that the game limits choice by having many less spells and abilities to tinker with than many other FF games and by discouraging you from switching weapons due to the poorly designed upgrade system. Not to mention the hallways. But I simply don’t think your complaint that you can Mash L1 and X to Victory because the Game Limits Choice and Player Agency is valid.

          • elconrado

            1) I did it.
            2) 3) I never needed nor was required to.
            4) That’s YOUR opinion. Calling them “flawed” won’t make it true.
            5) The CPU isn’t programmed to use them because they are unnecessary. And wow, Death is useful to farm ONE item from ONE post-game monster, which I killed by conventional means first anyway. Yeah, I did it too. I also used the Hecatoncheir bug, but that didn’t turn all summons into amazing awesomesauce. Never needed them.
            6) It’s not an “illusion” if you can actually -> choose <-. You're confusing "optimal" with "obligatory". I finished XII by specializing my characters; didn't have a problem.

            There's comes a moment where people stop trying to make a point and start to make excuses. I think you passed that point, right around you stopped using FFXII as a defense and started attacking it instead.

            Please stop trying to convince me that the things I did can't be done.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            1) Your argument still doesn’t apply any less to any other game. “There is ONLY one strategy: debuff and stagger then go full on attack, defend and heal/buff when necessary.” Take out the stagger part and this describes FFs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 12. “You don’t need more that the most basic of tools to achieve this strategy by design”. This applies equally well (or rather, not well) to 13 as it does to 1-10+12. I am not seeing how you are using this as support that 13 is somehow worse.

            I can guess that it is based on your claim that 99% of the time you never need to use more than 3 paradigms and autobattle, which I assume is what you mean by “the most basic of tools”. Let us assume that you are correct (you aren’t). You can still CHOOSE to use other paradigms as you please, and they will let you work towards accomplishing your goal all the same. Or are you going to tell me that a choice that you think is not optimal is not a real choice, but rather an illusion of choice…?

            4) I already did elaborate on them mechanically. Go back and read it. Search for the rather long elaboration that starts with “previous ATB games where you select commands from a menu”.

            5) “The CPU isn’t programmed to use them because they are unnecessary.” Says who? You? Why don’t you back this up with evidence? The raw numbers indicate that they are superior to all other commands when used in the appropriate situations. I have heard of exactly zero other people claiming that the commands are useless. Care to explain?

            The reason I am attacking XII is because you held it up as an example of something that is widely derided but is STILL better than XIII. I disagree because I disagree with your notion and perception of choice. You can CHOOSE to specialize your licenses in XII if you want to play completely suboptimally. You can CHOOSE to specialize your crystarium growth in XIII if you want to play completely suboptimally. But you think XIII has no choice, because…? You feel like you can “do” more “things” in previous games, or what? And that gives you a warm feeling of agency?

            People play tower defense games. You typically CHOOSE where you put your towers, then watch as they do their thing. People play RTS games. You CHOOSE which units to build and where they should go, then watch as they do their thing. Are these bad examples of games?

            Oh, but they’re a different genre, you say. Again, people play Tales and Star Ocean, which are JRPGs. You CHOOSE what your controlled character does and then let your other party members do their own thing. Do players complain about a lack of agency? (Btw, yes, you can put your player character on auto, and while they won’t play as well as a player character (except maybe in Tales of Destiny 2), they’ll do a decent job. Just like FFXIII.)

            My point is that there are plenty of valid reasons to dislike FFXIII, but an extreme lack of choice or agency in the battle system is not one of them.

          • elconrado

            1) Again, completely missing the point.
            4) Saying “the delay is a mistake” isn’t an elaboration, it’s a copout.
            5) Says the developer. They build the game in such a way you don’t need them to finish the game or beat any monster.

            At this point, you’re just going on in circles. Evidence? How about you try it yourself and see? You have chosen to bury your head in the sand.

            You also have the gall to tell everyone complaining about the lack of agency, THE NUMBER ONE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE GAME, that it doesn’t exist.

            I obviously wasted my time. You have your answer. I don’t care if you don’t “believe it”, but then you’re in the wrong place.

            There’s nothing else to be done or say here.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            1) You are biased. Try making an argument that furthers your conclusion.

            4) Are you really unable to read the paragraph? Here, I will paste it for you again: “characters’ ATB gauges continue to charge at a rapid rate relative to
            the time you spend deciding on an action and/or watching each action
            play out one by one. In other words, the strategy depends more on
            skillful metagaming of the menu rather than making strategic use of each
            character’s speed stat, concurrent actions, or Haste/Slow statuses”. In other words, *characters’ ATB bars recharge fully while you are watching other actions occur onscreen*. This completely destroys the point of having speed stats, Haste, or ATB itself. If this is not an inherent flaw I don’t know what is.

            5) Let me refresh your memory. You claimed the full ATB abilities are “useless” as support for contending that you have no choices in battle, leading to a lack of feeling of agency. This is already an invalid argument on your party because you are unwilling to agree that a poor choice is only an illusion of choice. But even if you did agree, your argument that they are useless is false. My proof? The numbers. Your proof? Your opinion. Now you are trying to argue that they are “unnecessary” because you “don’t need them to finish” the game, as if this somehow validates your claim that you have no choices in battle.

            Protip: you don’t need anything to finish the game in most FF games. People have completed FFX without using the Sphere Grid, Summoning, Blitzball, Overdrives, Customization, and Escape command. So I guess that means FFX has no choices in battle, and thus no agency?

            As for the “number one complaint about the game”, it’s hallways. And/or the plot/characters. Are you just trying to be difficult? No one says “a lack of agency in battle is what really turned me off the most about FFXIII”.

            I especially like the attitude you’re giving me. Why don’t you try making a reasonable argument, and then we’ll talk.

          • elconrado

            “You are biased.”

            Accusations, the perfect way to finalize a lost argument.


          • Kajitani-Eizan

            What else is there to say when your response to an argument is:
            – Again, completely missing the point.
            – [what you’re saying is] a copout.
            – you’re just going on in circles.
            – You have chosen to bury your head in the sand.
            – You also have the gall to […]

            You might as well come right out and say it. “I can’t make any counterarguments, so go **** yourself.” Ok, you too buddy.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            “The first [manually commanding your party leader] slows you down and it’s only necessary when using their final ability, which is useless.”

            Why don’t you clarify this statement. You are clearly saying their final ability is useless. If you are not, a) it’s not my fault your writing sucks, and b) you continued to argue as if this is what you are saying. So are you or are you not? Keep your arguments straight.

            As for the numbers, LOL. Your argument is “try it yourself”. You offered literally NO support at all. Ok. Guess what? I played the game too, obviously more than you did, and I found them quite useful. I guess we’re even, huh?

            Now how about some actual support? Go to the Game Mechanics guide on GameFAQs. Look up what the final abilities do. Compare these to any combination, up to 6 ATB, of Commando (for Highwind or Sovereign Fist) or Ravager (for Army of One, Last Resort, and Cold Blood) abilities. Do you or do you not see that the Commando final abilities do more damage, and the Ravager final abilities raise the chain gauge more? Do I need to paste the numbers here for you to counter your powerful “Because I said so” argument?

          • elconrado

            Still missing the point.

            Again, let me remind you:


            There’s only like half a dozen enemies were taking advantage of them is worth, and only around the endgame.

            This is the last time I explain this.

            I don’t know why you don’t get this: they are practically useless.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            Since apparently it deletes my posts whenever you keep editing yours, I’ll keep this brief. Did you or did you not:
            – Make the claim that final abilities are useless?
            – Make the claim that this contributes to it being “pointless” to manually control the player character?
            – Make the claim that this supposed lack of meaningful choice leads to a lack of agency?

            You are contradicting yourself at this point, so make your arguments clear.

            As for the empirical proof: I did try it, and like virtually everyone else on the planet, found the final abilities useful. If you disagree, go to the Game Mechanics FAQ on GameFAQs and demonstrate to me that they offer no damage or chain bonus over normal abilities. (Hint: You can’t do it, because they do.) Do you want me to paste proof to counter your “Because I said so” argument?

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            Since apparently it deletes my posts whenever you keep editing yours (at least 4 times thus far), I’ll try to keep this brief. Did you or did you not:
            – Make the claim that final abilities are useless?
            – Make the claim that this contributes to it being “pointless” to manually control the player character?
            – Make the claim that this supposed lack of meaningful choice leads to a lack of agency?

            You are contradicting yourself at this point, so make your arguments clear.

            As for the empirical proof: I did try it, and like virtually everyone else on the planet, found the final abilities useful. If you disagree, go to the Game Mechanics FAQ on GameFAQs and demonstrate to me that they offer no damage or chain bonus over normal abilities. (Hint: You can’t do it, because they do.) Do you want me to paste proof to counter your “Because I said so” argument?

            “Haste, Slow and the Speed stat are INCREDIBLY important in a system where the AMOUNT of actions per minute is relative to the SPEED at which the ATB bar fills.

            This is not “flawed”, it’s INTENDED.

            The battle system is BUILT AROUND THIS MECHANIC. I’m ASTOUNDED that you don’t understand this.”

            What’s amazing that I posted it TWICE and you still didn’t READ it.

            The AMOUNT of actions per minute is NOT relative to the speed at which the ATB bar fills. This is the very point I was making! THIS IS THE FLAW. Do you get it? It doesn’t matter if your speed is 5 or 50 or 500 if you’re going to have to WAIT for 3 other people to perform a 10 second animation, and your bar is going to charge all this time. Your ATB bar will be full regardless!

            This is why reading is important. Try doing it more often.

          • elconrado

            It doesn’t delete it, Disqus is just weird when using a link to a post.

          • elconrado

            “Your ATB bar will be full regardless!”

            The ORDER in which it fills is what’s important, which affects the amount of actions per minute.

            Try to follow your own advice.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            Yeah, I’m only now seeing the replies coming in. Disregard the repeated argument re: the final abilities.

            Speaking of which, in reply to you…
            – You only first get them at the end of Chapter 11 or so… so saying they’re only useful endgame is kind of silly.
            – Absolutely false. Are you really saying you can do ~10 attacks (depending on the enemy) in the time it takes to use Highwind or Sovereign Fist? Or 10-12 or whatever for the Ravager abilities? Army of One might be a bit of a difficult case since it is pretty long in real world time despite being not that long in ingame time. I might be able to buy Lightning doing 6 spells, paradigm shift for free ATB, then 4 more spells in the Real World time it takes to complete Army of One… IF you have her final weapon. Does this make final abilities as a whole useless?
            – Plus this doesn’t even take into account that they have special properties that make them REALLY useful against enemies that are resistant to damage or have high chain resistance with a low stagger limit.
            – So they’re useless because… you can’t use them all the time? Or what?

            “The ORDER in which it fills is what’s important, which affects the amount of actions per minute.”

            It doesn’t. It will affect who has the initiative but will not affect actions per minute. It basically collapses down to the FF1-3 battle system, where faster characters have initiative but everyone acts once per round. Which is why it’s evident that they’re flawed, as they were intended to be something new and different from the old systems. If you want to see examples of systems where they got it right, see FFT and FFX.

          • elconrado

            “It doesn’t.”

            It does. Some monsters function with multiple ATB counters for special abilities.

            Player characters can act more than once before enemy creatures, and even other player characters when affected by haste/slow and a high speed stat. They definitely matter.

            This is one of those thing that I have done, so I know it’s possible.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            I’m still not clear on what you mean by the order affects your actions per minute. Can you clarify that? That is simply wrong when it comes to “animation-independent” systems like FFT or FFX, and I don’t see how that makes sense in the context of the “flawed” systems like FF4-9.

            The things you mentioned indeed can occur (as they ought to), but long animations (or even multiple short animations, for battles involving many participants) messes it up. Thinking back, I might even need to revise my argument. I am not sure if they added this flawed active thing until FF6. In FF5, did the ATB bars pause whenever any action occured (e.g. someone performs an Attack command, someone casts a spell, etc.)? If so, then it is not flawed, and I apologize, as my “flawed” argument would only then cover FF6-9. FF9 is probably the worst offender, as everything takes a hideously long time, and worse, the Regen status interacts with this flawed system in the worst way.

            My point is, if you can take an action, and then your ATB bar is refilled by the time the person taking an action after you has completed their action, mostly regardless of your speed stat/Haste/Slow status, the ATB system is completely meaningless.

          • elconrado

            You always had the option an “Active” and “Wait” ATB.

            While I’m sure the intent was to play in “Active” mode, I usually preferred “Wait” for the added strategic options.

            In “Wait”, the ATB bars pause while selecting commands, so you would be correct in saying that speed stats and modifiers would be much more meaningful. (I kinda tried to infer that earlier, but I was kinda poor in doing it.)

            FFVII, VIII and IX had a default “Recommended” mode, that was like a mix between Active and Wait in which selecting commands didn’t stop the bar, but animations did. Kind of a middle ground setting.

            Still, what I meant was that even in “Active” mode, while it’s true that the bar becomes so fast eventually that you really are inputting commands almost constantly, the agility stat and speed modifiers like haste and slow end up serving a different purpose of helping control action order. In IV, summons and high level spells had long casting times that stalled the counter (there isn’t a bar, but it’s the same system), so a high speed stat helped you recover for the next command faster. Some monsters like the Mist Dragon run using multiple counters, like one for attacks and another for abilities, so speeding up or delaying player actions and commands was part of the strategy to beat it (but they gimped it for the American release).

            You are right, though, that in Final Fantasy 6 the bar becomes ridiculously fast by the time you’re in the world of ruin, but before that it actually worked well. After it, and specially in Kefka’s tower, the game compensates by throwing enemies at you with multiple attacks that, while they SEEM uninterruptable, actually have individual order placements, which points out that the developers expected the ATB to become this fast by this time.

            So, that’s why I don’t think “flawed” is the right term to describe the system. “Exploitable” sounds more like it, or even “unbalanced”.

          • elconrado

            And this has become absurd.

            “You don’t get it” isn’t a defense, it’s a statement.

            I’m tired of typing the same things over and over and getting the same damn replies in return, twisting the meaning of what I say or missing entire aspects of the point for the sake of spinning them into straw men.

            One last time, the POINT is simple:

            Q: What is the difference between predefined strategies and picking up your actions?
            A: Agency.

            Retort: FFXIII gives you meaningful micromanagement. (Opinion)
            Reply: No, it doesn’t. (Opinion)
            Reasoning: The only options you have are mostly meaningless, and while previous games were similarly meaningless in agency, they had more.

            You: Those were flawed. (Opinion)
            Me: That’s your opinion. The systems work as intended. (Actual fact)

            I’m done here.

            EDIT: I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt; maybe you didn’t mean to misrepresent my point. It happens.

            I respect your passion, though. I don’t want to end on a sore point, so If you feel I offended you I apologize.

            I stand by my statement, though.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            “Q: What is the difference between predefined strategies and picking up your actions?
            A: Agency.”

            I would agree with this answer, in a vacuum. The problem is the context. Instead of predefined strategies vs. your actions, it’s you choosing predefined strategies for your allies while you can manually control your character if you wish to, vs. your actions but delayed due to the flawed nature of the battle system. I am arguing that there is more agency to XII/XIII than “predefined strategies” suggests (especially XII, where you create the strategies yourself!), and less agency to 4-9 where your action, once input, is delayed by an arbitrary length of time depending on other characters’ animations, than “your actions” suggests.

            My point is that there isn’t really much difference there. Perhaps that’s just an opinion, and certainly people love to hate XII for “playing itself”, but that’s my two cents. If you think that small gap of agency is enough to make it feel agencyless, then I guess we simply have a difference of opinion. If your argument is that there really is a huge agency gap, well… that’s what we’ve been arguing about all this time.

          • elconrado

            ” If you think that small gap of agency is enough to make it feel agencyless, then I guess we simply have a difference of opinion. If your argument is that there really is a huge agency gap, well… that’s what we’ve been arguing about all this time.”

            Ok, I think we’re back to a point we can actually move forward.

            No, I don’t feel that a small gap would cause this, nor do I think it’s a huge one.

            But I do think you’re misjudging the difference a bit.

            I would call it, if I had to quantify it, as “large enough for most to notice it” which I admit is heavily subjective, but is compounded by other part of the game outside of it.

            Would you agree on that?

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            Yeah, I would agree on that. I think it’s a bit of a misperception by fans, but what they perceive is still a valid basis for a critique of the game.

          • elconrado


            It took us a while, by we came full circle, didn’t we?

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            Yep :P

      • Grady Taylor

        Forgot about XII, true. Still, considering the way the game automates everything for you, it seems pointless to differentiate between buffs and heals, because they’ll always do whatever fits their priority list. magic and debuffs, alright, I’ll give you it. Also, its crap that you can’t adjust AI patterns in this game (even if the gambit system was a steaming hunk of crap as well), but not nearly as crap as if the party leader dies, its game over. THAT is unreasonable. This isn’t Shin Megami Tensei! There isn’t any story line reason why this has to be! Plus, I have 9 million phoenix downs in my inventory. Why is it when I control the character, I suddenly turn into Aerith? Plus, I just hate ATB combat, which this game uses a derivative of, so that’s just icing on the cake.

  • Antix

    Hey Spoony, i have to give you props for sneaking in that Frog’s theme in there.

  • Joseph Andrews

    Spoony? Come back, Spoony. Come back. It’ll be okay. Spoony? Wanna get some Dairy Queen and play Final Fantasy IV? Spoony?

    …..whelp, he’s gone. Square Enix has broken the Spoony One. Way to go, butt-munches, I hope it was worth it.

  • Simon Desertören Pihl


  • NeroAngelo

    I hate that I spent time researching, but I might be able to shed some light on some of these subjects:

    When you’re made into a L’Cie, you’re given a crystal that gives you your magic. That could be where you level up

    The robes were given because they bind your hands & prevent you from using your magic (I think handcuffs would be just as effective). They’re essentially the prison uniform of Cuccoon & they also act as ceremonial robes for when your purged

    Many of the monsters you fight for those items are robotic in nature, so you could be breaking down those items that they drop into raw materials to upgrade you weapons

    The Eidolon’s are a “gift of the goddess” that appears when your depressed & tests you by physically assaulting you. It probably has something more to do with the situation or the person to decide what form it takes. Snow lost the girl he loves, two come to strengthen him (idk. best i could think of)

    • Nick

      The Eidolon thing is pretty weak. I mean, Sazh loses his son so he gets a flaming dune buggy?

      • NeroAngelo

        from what I could best find out, Brynhildr is supposed to be a shieldmaiden. it could be representative of how he wanted to protect his son

  • JoeCB91


  • Adam Pupil

    Does this mean no part 5?

    • Matt Mather

      I suspect there might be a part 5. The “big twist” (that the Cocoon Falcie and the Pulse Falcie all want the same thing, and the main “conflict” between the Falcie “factions” is just a distraction) that happens soon after the Barthadalus battle is just plainly pointed out by Spoony, but there’s a bit more to the story. I haven’t played through the game yet (probably should finish it, since I’m just a couple chapters from finishing), but it seems like the rest of the plot could easily be wrapped up (and beaten severely with a baseball bat) in one more video.

      I think there’s still plenty of material left in the game that Spoony’s “skipping”. Like: when you do get to Gran Pulse, there’s still linear story bits. So the extreme linearity of the first 15-20 hours is all for NOTHING. I was so ticked off when I realized this. Not that Gran Pulse isn’t a tragic failure when compared to the vast and interesting environments of past FF games, but Cocoon could have been made AT LEAST as tolerable as Pulse from the start of the game.. Except the developers decided THEIR STORY WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALLOWING THE PLAYERS TO DO GAME STUFF.

      • Raziel Raven

        There is one more thing Spoony promised to explain later in this series that he never got to… What the F*CK is it with that chocobo’s name? You know, the little baby one sleeping in that guy’s afro? He said it had something to do with potential waves of destiny destroying things so… Dafuq?

        • ScreamingDoom

          He didn’t forget it. That information is in FF13-2.

          Presumably he’ll recount the insipidness once he gets to that abomination.

  • JoeCB91

    The gunblade part is one of the funniest things you have ever done on here

  • Kajitani-Eizan

    Eh, this was a very meh episode. I think about half the things you mention are not actually issues to be made that big a deal of, and the other half were harped upon for too long.

    – The Crystarium is a representation of the crystals (souls) of each person; anyone can learn magic, but the fal’Cie unlock that potential for those who haven’t unlocked it themselves yet. Either the Datalog (yeah, I know…) or FFXIII-2 tells you this. Even if they didn’t, it’s fairly innocuous enough that it’s not worth complaining about; it makes sense that this represents your characters’ growth. IIRC it’s also related to the progression of their brands throughout the story.

    – On a related note, the Crystarium limitations were put in place to fine tune the difficulty curve of the game. It’s pretty meaningless early on, but Chapters 9, 11, 12, and 13 were all well done in this regard. And you do get rather cool abilities, mainly the Commando passives earlier on (e.g. Launch and Smite) and the more active strategic options later on (e.g. the ultimate moves, -ga magic, -ra buffs, etc.). The secondary roles for each character are also generally useful, with some standouts like Lightning’s Sentinel role and Snow’s Saboteur role bringing new options to the table.

    – It’s possible that they just incapacitate soldiers instead of killing them, especially when they face the local militia guys instead of the army dudes. Unlike Tales of the Abyss that actually made a point out of this, I think it can be assumed that the lack of impact on the characters is because there is no action taken that would cause said impact, i.e. they don’t kill them.

    – Dajh crystallizes differently because he is a Cocoon l’Cie, unlike Serah who is a Pulse l’Cie. Also, his Focus was to track down and help contain invading Pulse l’Cie in general, I think (i.e. Vanille, Fang, and Serah, at the time of his branding.)

    – Barthandelus (and Titan, like you mentioned in an earlier part) is pretty much the only fal’Cie that can talk, it seems. At least in Bart’s case, that specifically is his role in Cocoon. I am guessing you are throwing your hands up in the air and quitting the review as part of the act, but it falls flat when there is a relatively simple explanation. (Then there’s the fact they kind of needed to be vague anyway due to the indirect machinations they have to pull off to indirectly disobey their programming, or whatever, but eh.)

    – Plus what, no jokes about the robotic space pope who looks at least as obviously evil as Seymour?

    The poor weapon upgrading system (specifically, not being able to freely switch between the special effects due to EXP sunk), crystarium linearity/useless stats, questionable upgrade materials, terrible first 15 hours of the game, protagonists’ idiocy, PSICOM’s incompetence, etc. are all legit, but I think the review would have been a lot funnier if it were ~25% shorter.

    • Matt Mather

      “It’s possible that they just incapacitate soldiers instead of killing
      them, especially when they face the local militia guys instead of the
      army dudes.”

      I don’t think so. I think they kill the dudes because they are cannon fodder because that’s what’s expected. The enemy soldiers are Faceless Star Wars Stormtroopers and always have been. One of the defining features of the FF series is how much they borrow from Star Wars, and Stormtroopers Are Cannon Fodder is one of the biggest tropes that Square borrows. Even when Final Fantasy characters originate from the Evil Empire’s army, the pull no punches in slaughtering dozens of hundreds of FORMER COMPATRIOTS.

      This is sometimes justified in terms of self-defense (I think mentioned in FF6 at some point), but sometimes you end up in situations where Cloud is literally slashing through dozens of Soldiers of his exact former rank with little recognition that maybe the good guys are powerful enough to subdue the enemy instead of wholesale slaughtering them.

      But it really doesn’t matter because Stormtroopers are an Enemy Type. Even if those Stormtroopers are portrayed sympathetically, just kill your way through. Even if Lightning points out “Hey, these guys are actually the exact type of special agent I was right before I quit to help out the rebels”.

      So yeah, if circumstances were slightly different in the plot, Lightning would have been one of the random cannon fodder. But does anyone think it through to the logical conclusion… Does ANY character think of ANYTHING through to the logical conclusion NO AND THAT’S WHY FINAL FANTASY XIII DRIVES CRITICS INSANE.

      • Kajitani-Eizan

        I’m not so sure though. I’m not saying the characters necessarily go to great lengths to prevent their opponents from dying; just that if they shoot a ball of fire or energy or whatever at them, there’s a good chance the soldier falls over because they are shocked by the blast, not because they are instantly dead. There is never a scene where Lightning actually puts her blade straight through a guy or anything.

        Admittedly it gets more dicey when you finish someone with a nice sword or shotgun combo, but eh.

      • Godmars

        What you and Eizan would actually mean something if games considered non-lethal options. They don’t.

  • Isaiah Evans

    TheSpoonyOne needs to review games/movies that are actually fun for him to review… It’s getting so painful because he just suffers while making these recent reviews. It’s not good, it’s not getting better, and his reviews are only getting more and more boring.
    My opinion. Agree with it or not, it’s still my opinion.

    • Godmars

      Yeah Spoony. You need to tackle the mark of a true reviewer, and review something honesty good.

      • Deacon Hagan

        He dose that with the Vlogs.

    • Christopher McFarlane

      I want a review of the original Highlander. It’s still missing.

    • zanmaru

      Negativity is funnier. It’s a simple fact of comedy.
      For example.

      • Isaiah Evans

        That video is pretty funny. But what I’m getting at is that he suffers while making these reviews (evident by his twitter page) so he just bleeds out a lot of his own comedy. It’s not that he isn’t funny, he’s just getting stale. Not unlike the Nostalgia Critic, who in my opinion is far beyond saving. Both have their “it hurts so much” comedy, but it shouldn’t be so bled out. Watch the Beastmaster reviews for what Spoony does best with comedy. It’s a series he loves that is being torn apart, not a series he doesn’t give a shit about that is still making horrid games. The real pain shows.

        • zanmaru

          Uh… huh. Kay, Spoony is a comedian, one who focuses on VIDEO GAMES. Sure, we all feel “betrayal” when game companies screw up, like the Sim City debacle for example. But none of us feel true emotional pain over such things, at least not without there being some deeper issue at play. In fact, I can’t believe I’m having to explain this concept to someone. Beyond that, Spoony is an entertainer, the Spoony you see in video reviews is at least partially a character, and a lot of his complaints are hyperbole. He has personal reasons for hating what the Final Fantasy series has become, but these are just VIDEO GAMES, not something he’s losing sleep over.

          Do you honestly believe Doug Walker goes insane on a weekly basis, or that James Rolfe drinks because his childhood was ruined by shitty games? Note that I use their real names, and not the names of their CHARACTERS.

  • KoeL

    Wanna know something funny…Nabaat’s boobs decolte arent hers..its a part of her clothes…they are painted on the shirt..her skin at face and legs HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE COLOUR OF HER BOOBS…square enix surely known how about fashion

    • zanmaru

      What you’re saying is that her boobs are a normal map texture trick instead being made of polygons. This is a rather arbitrary distinction.

  • Katalyna Dougan

    I’m actually kind of sad you stopped before the Grand Pulse stuff. No, I don’t think it redeems it. In fact, I find it the biggest lie of the entire game. Its like the game keeps going on, and people say “But just get to Grand Pulse, it stops being so linear!” You know what Grand
    Pulse is? Its the worst parts of an MMO, stupid horrible fetch and kill quests, in the same handful of really big rooms with no way to get around outside of running for half an hour each way. Oh, sure, you get achocobo…after HOURS of grinding these stupid kill quests. Oh, sure, you can pretty much walk up and finish the last boss at any time when you get there, but that just makes it worse. Let me get this straight, not ONLY is all of this content slow and repetitive, NONE OF IT FUCKING MATTERS?! Seriously, the big “the game gets so much better” section of the game, and it is ENTIRELY POINTLESS?! Why are we even doing this?! Oh, right, so we can unlock MORE FREAKING POINTLESS KILL QUESTS! There is really no point to any of this! The big “FFXIII gets better in the open area” bullshit is the biggest lie I have ever heard about any game ever!

    *cough*I have a few feelings on the matter, I suppose…Also, I think I might have channeled a little what I imagine Spoony’s rant might have been on the whole thing…Just would have loved to see you rip into it a bit, cause I hate how often, if I gripe about this game, people try to argue how wonderful the last part is. I got there, and within a couple hours turned off the game and sold it back that night.

    • Kajitani-Eizan

      I think you might have had the wrong expectations there. The GAMEPLAY is really good in Gran Pulse. If you like exploring, challenging new and powerful foes, enjoying the scenery, etc., it is absolutely amazing. There are nice little character development scenes in there too, where the characters bask in the wondrous joys of nature and develop a more positive outlook on life. It’s overall a really beautiful place, juxtaposing the mortal danger of being a l’Cie and wandering around amidst these powerful beasts with the peaceful theme and sunny plains.

      If you thought the plot would advance nonlinearly, or that what you do on Gran Pulse would be of any consequence with regards to the plot… then yeah, you’re gonna be disappointed. Spoilers: their only real solid goal of visiting Oerba turns out to be fruitless and the only thing of import that ends up actually happening is that Space Pope invites you back to Cocoon to fulfill your destiny.

      • zarrotsu

        But the same question remains: Why the fuck couldn’t it be like that from the beginning? A 20 hour set-up means absolutely fucking nothing when all the characters are boring, the plot is unexplained, and there’s nothing to fucking do but hold a single direction on the control stick for 20 minutes at a time. Regardless of how amazing the gameplay gets, any person who could appreciate it would have given up 16 hours prior.

        • Kajitani-Eizan

          I can tell you the battle system couldn’t be like that from the beginning. They should have spiced it up a bit more earlier on, but the “20 hour tutorial” thing is at least partially justified.

          The rest, though… yeahhh. It’s unforgivably bad. It’s simply a question of whether you’ll willing to soldier on through and enjoy your reward at the end of the rainbow. I was willing to because even though I found the game incomprehensible, ridiculous, and poorly designed, a) I heard from a friend it gets better later and b) I was willing to subject myself to the entire trainwreck even if it never got better.

          • zarrotsu

            If your battle system is too complex to summarize within the first 20 minutes of gameplay, tone it the fuck down enough that you can explain the fucking thing.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            No, it’s not too complex, it’s that you need to gain experience (the IRL kind) with various aspects of it over time. Think about other genres where game mechanics are introduced slowly and then the difficulties of the challenges scale up as you advance through the game. That aspect is IMO somewhat lacking in many of the more popular entries in the JRPG genre, so it’s a bit refreshing that FFXIII sort of tries to do it.

            To simplify it would have been a disservice.

  • Joshua Crockett Ritchie

    dont forget that there is another FF13 game in the works Titled Final Fantasy 13 Lightning Returns

    • theshamster

      No, there are TWO more FF13 games on the way.
      This hell is not over yet.

      • Deacon Hagan

        FFXIII and it’s spin off are the Ultimate Bij one can experience.

        • Zefram Mann

          Fuck that, not even Khales would put up with that bullshit. Somehow I think a Klingon’s worst possible fear is to be bored to death.

  • Matho Depetris


  • Shitatsu Kotsuouji

    What, this was the end? I was hoping for a fight. I would have loved to see Spoony beat um Snow!

  • ryan phillips

    note: when spoony says “no one”=himself.

  • theshamster

    Thumbs up who loves Insano!

  • Sean Ward

    Brilliant review. If you can withstand the torture, i would love to see you review XIII-2 now. I gave up on FF after XIII. So I have no clue how bad XIII-2 may be. Thanks for your time and effort for this review. It was amazing.

    • Aschthebloody

      13-2 is a really shitty game with too much bullshit attached, but I’m a sucker for time travel stories and liked that the hero’s actions amounted to nothing in the end for some shitty squeal prompt. that shit was fucking hilarious.

  • Coregoth88

    ROCK IT !!!!

  • Marquel Lee

    The credits…as depressing as it is hilarious. soo…13-2?

  • Lina Jones

    Insano skit was a bit overlong, but otherwise pretty funny.

    Wouldn’t blame you for stopping here, but it is a bit of a shock, you usually do see these games through to the full end, even if you have to use Time Kompression to pull it off! But truthfully, the rest of the game really doesn’t have much else to say at this point. You keep beating up on Barthandelus, running around collecting Eidolons, and there’s some obtuse subplot about the rebel leader being elected as the new leader of Cocoon so his own men are forced to kill him, but who the fuck cares because who even was that guy in the first place, and then you finally get told to become Ragnarok, and that’s basically it.

  • Randall Bohannan

    makes me glad I haven’t ever played this game. Might want to take Insano on a walk or something. Being in the basement all day is making him a little odd… O.o

  • ForteDS

    It’s over? Just like that? Not going to finish the rest of the story?


    • sbkMulletMan

      I think he finished the story back in part 1 when he first said the phrase “it doesn’t explain anything”.

      All 4 parts follow that same theme, so it’s good he just did what had to be done and performed a mercy killing on the game rather than just prolonging the suffering unnecessarily. If only Square had the decency to do the same.

      • Reza Lustig

        I guess I can accept that at this point. However, I do hope he plans on at least covering FFXIII-2 and finishing the Guardian/Sephiroth meta-plot arc, before bidding farewell to FF games for good.

  • theshamster

    There is no logic, there is no reason, there is only INSANO!!!
    Give in to the madness, Spoony. Become Insano once more!

  • Atmos_Duality

    Hey! I recognize those quotes from FF13’s Director! I left the link to the article containing those in the comments from the previous FF13 video.
    I love how he dismissed criticism by basically slamming his competition with a strawman.

    Some people might be put off by how this ended, but honestly that’s the only proper way to end a review of FF13: “Fuck it. It’s too stupid.”
    And I’m not saying that just because I agree with Spoony, I say that because FF13, quite literally, is a colossal failure as a game. Not in concept, not even financially, but it fails the most fundamental level possible for a game: It excludes player input at nearly every conceivable level.

    At least Spoony didn’t go far enough to cover the ending. It is…special.
    I suggest looking it up on Youtube, but some highlights include:
    -Fang becoming The Ultimate Furry

    -Most of Team Retard getting turned into cyber-zombies for failing their Focus…only to be Deus Ex Machina’d back by completely bullshit means.
    -The POWAR OF FRIENDSHIP!!!1 Because we can’t have a single JRPG without this stupid overused trope. (who the fuck keeps mandating this as a plot point? Seriously?)

    -Fang and Vanille activating their Wonder Twin powers and jizzing crystal everywhere. This somehow resolves the plot.

    • Reza Lustig

      The hell of this whole thing is, I know for a fact that Spoony has gotten at least as far as the final boss fight; I remember him tweeting something about (I think) Orphan’s insanely high HP level. That, with your summing up of the ending, only makes me more disappointed that Spoony ragequitted.

      • Atmos_Duality

        My summary does no justice to the ending.
        It needs to be seen to be believed, and if Spoony had given it to us, I imagine it’d just be 6 minutes of him screaming like Rain Man.

  • igotbanned999

    Oh God… that music during the level up display brings back bad memories. I once played an RPG Maker game called Exit Fate which used that music (or rather a different mix of it) during the main screen, so I heard it for hours on end and got so sick of it that now hearing it again pisses me off so badly.

    • Failedlegend

      To Clarify that music (Frog’s Theme from Chrono Trigger) doesn’t actually play during the crystarium Spoony just dubbed it over.

  • Derek Thomas

    lol I actually laughed out loud at the insano kitchen show part. lol, that was good spoony

  • MFlorian

    Miles might. He is a cop.

  • Urban Sniper

    Overall, great episode. Kinda disappointed the review didn’t cover the whole game, but who am I to judge? Spoony actually got further in the game than I did, at least by a little bit. I stopped on the outer deck of the airship, never made it to that WTF boss or whatever it was. Think I went back to playing FF6 or FF7 after that to wash the taste out of my mouth and experience true Final Fantasy games.

    Also, the Insano bit had me rolling. Awesome stuff!

  • Randy Marsh

    Lost it during the theme park section of the video.

  • zarrotsu

    By far the saddest thing I’ve noticed in going over all this games flaws in my head is that they seem like basic flaws you’d see in the average RPG-maker game.

    – The characters are poorly written and do stupid shit to artificially move the plot ‘forward’

    – The plot is so stupid it’s non-existent, and you have a much better time ignoring it, which defeats the purpose of playing the RPG

    – The scenery is hardly interactive at all, and there’s effectively no lore in the world

    – Any and all critique you give to point out its flaws in the hopes the author improves is met with whiny children telling you you’re wrong, while they on the other hand give it high-ten marks.

    So, uh, good job on the most beautiful RPG maker game on the planet, Squeenix.

    • That Darn Alchemist

      I’ve seen some pretty good RPG maker games around that are
      WAY better written than this game, heck, I’m working on one myself for the hell
      of it based on the works of Lovecraft and Junji Itou. But back on topic, I think that the main problem with this game is that Sakaguchi wasn’t involved. FF hasn’t been the same since he resigned. The Mistwalker games feel more like Final Fantasy to me than the actual current final fantasy games. I don’t know how to describe it, atmosphere perhaps.

      • zarrotsu

        If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard “I’m working on [an RPG maker Game]”, I’d be a very rich man. And also buried under a few hundred pounds of metal.

    • Erdna Bartley

      Just play Persona and Demon/Dark souls and ignore everything else

      • valar84

        She’s decrying the lack of plot and characters and you’re recommending Demon/Dark Souls? Are you kidding?
        Don’t get me wrong, they are good games, but they have paper-thin stories and no characters. The story is basically inexistent.

      • zarrotsu

        But if we ignore everything else, we get no contrast for reference of what’s “bad” to make the “good” good.

  • Vismutti

    Awwwwww. You’re done already? I would have liked to see more… But then again, I guess I don’t know if there was anything more to talk about since I definitely didn’t play this game…

  • Hans Watts

    I nearly vomited during the kitchen scene. Seriously, Warn a guy not to eat a big bowl of cereal before this stuff.

  • Rowan Anderson

    Yup, I guess there really isn’t anything more to say about this stupid, stupid game. It is the only Final Fantasy game I have never completed, and I managed to get to the end of 10 without giving up.

    I remember when you started reviewing this game that I thought I’d go back and try and try and finish it, considering I had gotten close to the end, but the system of battle and leveling up weapons and everything else was so convoluted and bizarre that I had no idea how it all worked, I had completely forgotten. So I managed to get to the final boss…but that only opens up a whole new can of worms which isn’t even worth bothering with either.

    I agree Spoony, this game is the ultimate showcase of bad storytelling. It’s basically like reading a book which is only 50 pages long but has an appendix that’s 500 pages long which you have to constantly refer to in order to understand anything that’s happening in the linear and yet entirely complicated plot. The characters are flatter than cardboard or are brought in only to be killed off. I don’t think I cared about a single one of them, or the villains that I didn’t even really understand the motivations of. This game failed so badly on every level of being an RPG that it baffles me to no end that it managed to get not only one sequel but TWO! It is actually a testament to the stupidity of the new set of gamers coming in that they will eat up this rubbish and think it’s the best thing they’ve ever seen. I really wish that I could round them up and even have them play FF7 and show them how a FF looked when they were still fun and engaging and free roam. I’m not saying FF7 is the absolute best example of a great RPG but it’s light years ahead of FF13.

    This game, and the comments you showed from game journalists and its creators at the end of this video, make me immeasurably sad. I don’t think there is any hope for this franchise ever again. It has come to a pathetic end where it will basically do anything for style over substance because they know it will always be bought no matter what. I remember loving FF7 when I was about ten, and I used to play it with my mum. I adore that game and it’s a huge part of my childhood. Being constantly disappointed again and again by Square Enix is just sort of heartbreaking in a way. So yes Spoony, I wouldn’t dignify this game with any more attention than you have already given it, and I dread to think what FF13-2 is like, I’ll never own it or care. I hope you don’t have to subject yourself to too much more of this awfulness and I thank you for suffering through it in order to give us entertainment!

    Ps: That bit with Dr. Insano was disgustingly hilarious!

  • Isabelle Desfossés

    i was having breakfast and chocked at “whats a paladin” :P

    • anonimovoto2

      I totally saw that coming.

  • Nash Knight

    He sure too his sweet time. But in the end it was was worth it!

  • trepiechick

    So is SquareEnix butthurt over Bethesda’s success or what? I actually just got XIII-2 and right from the beginning I was playing voice actor bingo. Now I just can’t separate Lightning and Liara, though imagining Lightning in Liara’s place would be pretty funny. And you seriously need to clean your kitchen Spoony.

  • bobbiethejean

    Oh please tell me this won’t be the last one. I find these so cathartic. You’re the only person I’ve ever encountered whose hatred of this game rivals my own. :P

  • LightningFarron19

    Clearly you have never played The Last Story Dude.

    Let’s put it this way: If ProJared thought FF13 and FF13-2 were better than The Last Story (YES HE PROVED THIS IN A VIDEO HE MADE ON HIS ACCOUNT), then you really don’t know what is truly “bad”

  • Lambo36

    I love the video it sums up my confusion of this shit stain of a game. I was actually planning on finish it when I bought it for $15 (still over priced if you ask me) but when I got to the part where everyone says that the game is supposed to get “good” the game froze. I thought that my PS3 had just froze so I restarted it and made it to the same spot and it froze again so I decided to look online to see if anyone else had the same problem and I found out that their are a shit ton of people who had the same problem and are claiming that SquareEnix sent out a bunch of defective disks. So I am just stuck, its like a part of the hallway collapsed in on itself.

  • Paul Simmons

    Reynolds! There you are. Maybe that explains why PSICOM is so incompetent.

    I just thought of something, maybe Snow is a tank BECAUSE he is so annoying, like he just got used to people punching him in the face and was like ok baby lets roll with it, fuck plans! Also, you have yet to see how fucked up Barthandelus gets. Oh fuck and the sun baby thing Orphan is…

    God fucking DAMN I can not wait for you to tear in to XIII-2. I got it thinking it would improve on XIII all X-2 style, and while both number-2 final fantasies added in just as much stupid, XIII-2 managed to take the few things I liked in XIII and assram them. AND THEY ARE MAKING A FUCKING THIRD ONE. Fantastic series, Spoony. I love the lil’ FFIV What’s a paladin gag, great to see a gag pertaining to my personal favorite Final Fantasy.

    • Zefram Mann

      You know, as much as I like Spoony’s FF reviews, this one wasn’t as strong as 8 or 10, and I think it’s because he’s seriously not enjoying what he does anymore. I’d rather Spoony move onto something that he can have fun with than simply go through the motions to appease fans and turn out an inferior product.

      Believe me, there will be someone to pick up the torch, someone who played this game when they were young, thought it was great, and only upon seeing what it followed did they realize what a betrayal it was, and who will be able to go after it with the same energy Spoony had with 8 and 10.

      • Jerry Forbe

        I can agree with you on that, but we should remember his fans blatantly called him a rip-off of Nostalgia Critic for going insane on FFX and copying AVGN for FF8. What I’m saying is, is that people are going to complain about his work no matter what he does whether or not he enjoys it, or whatever the hell he does at all.

        I really enjoyed this part, it was much stronger than the first three. But it’s entertainment, people should just relax and not expect so much from Spoony. Hell, I think this part really does resemble his FF8 review with insano and spoony picking some fun at lines like, “Make it Rain” or the “stereotypically drunk otaku mexican kid”.

        I’m sorry if this felt like a personal attack, I just don’t like it when everyone thinks FF8 review was the best and that he’s never topped that. As quoted from the NC, “… I sincerely think you all should crawl back to the corner of the internet in the golden age time which never existed…”, right now I’m sick of the fanbase complaining because I do think he did tackle this review with the same amount of energy he had in 2007.

        • Zefram Mann

          It’s cool, man. I’m not one of those thin-skinned nerds that can’t handle the idea of someone in the world disagreeing with him. If you disagree and think this was stronger, that’s fine. I just got the impression he’s exhausted and burned out on FF. If you got a different impression, that’s fine, but the one I got off his twitter feed is a severely beaten man subjecting himself to a game that isn’t enjoyably bad so much as boringly, tediously bad, because the fans seem to want it. I’m just saying, “Hey, if you’re really burned out, it’s cool, man. Move on to something you might enjoy complaining about a bit more”. If the man himself comes out and says otherwise concede the point.

          Also, for the record I thought he was still really rough around the edges on VIII, lot of energy but no polish. FFX was easily his best FF review with the right mix of both (my opinion of course).

          • Reza Lustig

            Maybe it’s entitled of me to say so, but I really hope Spoony at least finishes FFXIII-2. If he never wants to review a FF game again, that’s cool with me, but I think he owes it to his fans to properly conclude this meta-plot arc he started at the end of X-2 (regarding the Guardian and Sephiroth trying to get him to go mad and destroy the world). And I think he is planning something, what with the weird ending with Burton.

            If and when he finishes with FF for good, I really hope he actively tries to find new games and movies to rage against (which won’t be hazardous to his health), rather than just doing weekly Counter Monkey vlogs.

          • Jerry Forbe

            Check his twitter, he did say it wasn’t the end and I don’t know why anybody picked it up as an end of the review.

          • Jerry Forbe

            the FFX review was awesome, the only thing I regret was not seeing it when it came out (forgot he existed during those dark ages;_;). I’m not really disagreeing with you, but I guess I’m throwing my complaints about the fanbase at you.

            He did seem a little burned out, yet he still managed to make it hilarious. But then again, I’m just someone who finds comfort in entertainment after a long, hard day of work. I never posted comments before, but I’m sick of these complaints. I’m not here to review a review, if I do like what I like then I enjoy it.

  • yamina-chan

    Thank heavens your side ueses a diffrent player then Youtube! As the version that is upoaded on your YT account ist blocked for your vievers in Germany.
    It would have been a shame to miss this =D
    I appreciate the lenghts you go to, to make the best video possible =) But take care of yourself, will you? (I did love the mid vid sketch, but also felt sorry for you.)
    I wonder why FF changed so much for the worse =/

    • doresh

      ProxTube is your friend.

    • Failedlegend

      I doubt spoony actually ate anything that could harm him some of the stuff was likely just blended food whilst goo like substanes are fairly easy to make edible and tasty…color wise food coloring is entirely edible

      As for the game…I agree with pretty much everything he said and I just can’t fathom why ANYONE even long time FF Fans can enjoy this game. I hope Spoony reviews 13-2 as well I’d love to hear his opinions on the improvements they made and more importantly the improvements they DIDN’T make or “improvements” that actually made things worse (to clarify IMO 13-2 is a better game than 13 but it’s still a really bad unplayable game)

      • Green Fred

        “I just can’t fathom why ANYONE even long time FF Fans (like myself) can enjoy this game.”

        While I’m not a fan of FF13, I think I can explain. Final Fantasy has been, for a very long time, a character driven series. When most fans pick up a FF game, they expect an okay plot, a few awesome boss battles, chocobos, and lots and lots of character struggles and triumphs. Hell, even looking at older Final Fantasy, that rings true–how many people remember FFIV for its plot compared to how many remember it for Cecil’s character arc?

        For the most part, FF13 has those important character moments. You’ve got Hope’s struggle coming to terms with having to work with the guy that he blames for his mom’s death, you’ve got Snow and Lightning trying to find something to fight for despite losing more or less everything that was important, and there’s Sazh’s deal with his son, not to mention the whole “being doomed to destroy thousands of innocents” thing that they all share. To people not expecting much more than that, the game delivers.

        • Failedlegend

          Fair enough but Cecil’s Arc in final fantasy was amazingly done wiyh mulitple layers, good and bad moments, loss, victories, happy, sad, somber, exciting, profound,etc. whereas in Final Fantasy very few of the characters really have an “Arc” more so they have a character trait and thats what they stick with…also hope fighting makes absolutely no sense for his character I’d say never have him as an actuual active battle member (still in the party for cutscenes etc.) or have him cower during combat sequences or something I dunno. Vanille is clearly batshit crazy so her having no issue with mowing down 100s of soldiers is fine :P

          The one thing I do disagree with Spoony is about Snows weapon…FF has always had ridiculous weapons (Edgar’s various gadgets, Rinoa’s dog cannon, Wakka’s beach ball, Squall’s Gunblade, Barret’s Gunhand, The Calculator’s uh…calculator, Scholar’s Books so it’s something that’s within my expectations of FF games so I could easily let slide

  • Jegsimmons

    To anyone who has ever made an argument “wait X amount of time and it’ll get good” and the time limit is more than 1 minute….fuck you and eat my brown spider.

    as Yahtzee once said ABOUT THIS SAME GAME:
    “Yeah leave your hand on a stove for 20 hours and it stop hurting but then you burnt your hand off.”

    • doresh

      But what if I wanna lose my hand RIGHT NOW? I can’t wait 20 hours XD !

      • Jegsimmons

        here’s a rusty dull knife…..get to work.

        • doresh

          Awsome :D !

    • Julio Garcia

      I think your 1 Minute statement is too exaggerate, Most games take about ten minutes to allow you to acclimate to the controls and the environment. still, “Play it trough twenty hours for it to get good?” FUCK YOU!!! Who plays a shitty game that longer in the hope for it to get good? Why? I played the Fucking Batman Returns Game on the SNES and when I got stuck even at my six years said “Screw it” And when to get another, Most games don’t take that long even to be finished yet they can be very good from the beginning to the end.

      Complementing your quote. the reason why we feel pain is to know when something can cause damage to you, That’s why one never should ignore the pain.

      • Zefram Mann

        Final Fantasy 2 (or whatever it’s original J-number was) kicked ass right off the bat. I don’t know about 1 minute, but you were in charge of a badass airship squadron and I was genuinely into Cecil’s story and emotional conflict, which was just being hinted at that point. Hell, Chrono Trigger didn’t even have one battle (unless you count El Gato) until about 20min of playtime in. It let you wander around town and explore and talk to people on your own, which is the exact opposite of this turd.

        • Julio Garcia

          Yeah but still. Some games can still be good even if they need you to “Warm up” but twenty hours is masochistic, you can make a lot of stuff in that time and anything would me more productive because at least you can have real fun or help someone to do something or anything!

    • Green Fred

      Eh, it depends on the game. A lot of my personal favorite games, for example, fall in the “gets way better later on” camp. But they’re still sort of fun, interesting, or at the very least, tolerable for the first five, ten, or whatever hours until it reaches the good part. FF13, instead, is just plain boring and stupid until it gets less bad (“good” is not an accurate description in any sense of the word). Either way, twenty hours is still way too long of a wait to get anything remotely enjoyable out of a game.

      • Jegsimmons

        So, do you have an example of these games that are worth playing after hours of crap?

        • Green Fred

          Had you actually read my post, I specifically stated that they weren’t crap for hours. They just weren’t as good in the beginning as they were later. There’s a difference.

          Take the first Xenosaga game, for example. It’s not one of my absolute favorite games, but it’s a good example of what I mean. The first couple are solely world building and busywork around a spaceship. It’s not the most exciting or “fun” part of the game, but it does its job to keep the character interested until the Gnosis attack. Whether one likes it after that is up to personal opinion, though.

          As for a games I actually love that do the same? Persona 4 and Radiata Stories. In Persona 4’s case, I didn’t really start to enjoy the game until Yukiko’s Castle, and that’s at least several hours in. It was okay enough before then, but that’s where I personally just fell in love with the game and didn’t look back. In Radiata Stories’ case, when the game started being a bit more serious and gave the player a lot of freedom to do whatever they wanted (specifically when Jack is kicked out of the knights), likewise that’s when I really started enjoying the game.

          • Jegsimmons

            No no no, you misunderstood, there is a difference between crap starts….and setting up the plot and setting.

            Life say…half life 2. you spend about the first 30 minutes bumbling about, but its used to set up the plot and world and establish stuff.

            thats fine, thats not crap, thats atmosphere.

            FF13 on the other hand…is just pure shit.

  • anonimovoto2

    Spoony, you think the story of the game sucked and the game deserved lower scores on reviews? I think it sucked too, and that is why you should have started to review FF13 when it came out, to put this on the table. Next time a FF comes out, you should grab a copy of it.

    • Jerry Forbe

      No, Spoony should not have to go through 100 hours of this shit again.

      • anonimovoto2

        That is his job.

        • likalaruku

          He’s a masochist.

        • Jerry Forbe

          No, entertainment is his job. Not ripping his eyes out lol

  • Patrick Coyle

    It dawns on me that the clearest and most compelling warning sign is right there on the game’s title screen: “CHARACTER DESIGNER Tetsuya Nomura”

    When a graphic artist gets top credit – not the writers, director, or producer – they might as well be admitting that gameplay and storytelling are taking a backseat to style and presentation.

    • smaco

      That being said, the art and style of the game are pretty good. It doesn’t change the fact that they don’t make any sense but they are pleasing to look at. at least for me

      • zarrotsu

        But having the prettiest high-res shit in the world won’t help it stop being shit.

  • Oskar Håkansson

    not defending the game or anything but the weapon leveling system makes sense to me when i found out how it worked
    all organinc componets like strange fluid gives low xp but increses the xp multiplyer when as inorganic componets like sparkplugs give a big amount of xp but lowers the multiplyer

    • Zefram Mann

      Nothing about rubbing monster spooge on your weapon makes sense unless you live in Japan.

    • Karolina Chomicka

      Okay, so there is a method to this madness… but how is this any fun? It’s very much busy work imho.

  • Matthew Robert Beiswenger

    Well I can give you another reason why it sucks… probably been said before but I’ll add: From what I’ve seen the story just runs headlong into a brick wall. Is that really the end? Because if it is that is a really bad REALLY BAD pay off. Its like the trope “rocks fall and everybody dies.” Sheesh!

  • Zefram Mann

    So what happened to the sexy librarian chick at the end? She just got stuffed in the fridge to show how “evul” the boss was by casually executing his own people?

    • Austin McDowell

      Yup. You don’t even fight her, unless you bought one of the DLC in 13-2.

  • Rodrigo Ibarra

    The ooze part was too long. Seriously. It went for hours and hours

    • Jerry Forbe

      5 minutes, it wasn’t long and I liked it.

      • Karolina Chomicka

        Overall I did like it and it gave me a good laugh, but the pacing could have been better (tho pouring that shit over himself was probably not very pleasant, so I can understand why the timing wasn’t impeccable).

        • Jerry Forbe

          Well, I guess I just tend to put myself in his shoes and imagine myself putting all that slime, so I end up retching myself. It was funny, and probably one of the first times seeing Dr. Insano actually do some SCIENCE!

          But I guess it’s the same with a lot of reviewers, I do recall NC’s fans completely disregard some great and truly funny skits in his newer reviews. And I’m not saying all of them are good.

        • Jerry Forbe

          I was too busy laughing and retching and smiling when he did that. I guess I didn’t realize it was 5 minutes because I found myself enjoying it.

      • Rodrigo Ibarra

        the review didn’t last an hour. I was making a hyperbole. Howerver It did drag. The gag would have been more effective with a quick liquid bukkakke.

        • Jerry Forbe

          fair enough, I liked it and I didn’t think it was long at all, but I’m not going to try to defend this anymore.

  • playdude92 .

    At this point I can only describe what you do as absolute devotion. You could have said, that this game is completely incoherent, repetitive, linear, unevolving, tedious ad demonstratet it in about 20 minutes.
    Instead you followed the experience players had, including the unbelievable frustration. So no, thank YOU for your patience^^.

  • Landon Mcmillan

    Ok Look like he given up at this point… Thanks for keeping up the madness. There a difference with this game most the rpgs and it story like alan wake and far cry 3 and bioshock infinite there story are much better then this mess hell I try to write story and I can write better then this, there are rules how world works

    This barthandelus Just broke it rule of not having it kind to talk.

    Any way spoony Love to look up if there be a part 5 or more Love to see this sucker end if this is the final ep of this game then I must see the end and know it since well I take my work knowing every thing to the point to see it then to read it.

  • Gavin AnimeDoom White

    I really hope you haven’t truly quit on this because as far as I’m concerned even with all the rage so far you have only just begun to tear this apart.

  • lastsigma

    Wow. Why did you even bother making these four pointless, unfunny videos? You’ve said nothing that hasn’t already been said by others and the few aesthetic complaints you harped on for over a half hour were retreads of your previous material in other reviews.

    • Jonathan McGown

      But hes funny while doing it . . . .maybe you’ve confused spoony for someone that isnt a comedian.

    • Zefram Mann

      Because Sephiroth said so. End of story.

  • Viktor Åkesson

    LOL Funny review as usual. XD Oh, I’ve been drawing fanart of you, Noah. Here’s a link if you happen to read this and want to see:

  • Nagneto Lives

    A good run, with good jokes. The slime bit ran a little too long. If they brought a story like this to a publisher (of books) or a movie studio, they’d be laughed out of the building. Even FFX had a couple likeable characters. This one had none, NOT ONE, likeable character. The plot is needlessly convoluted and pretentious. I haven’t seen a train wreck this bad since Star Ocean: Till The End Of Time. But the sick thing is? People STILL like! FF fans still cite it as their favorite. I don’t get it man.

    • Ryan Walsh

      Some people have weird tastes. Like there are people who actually DO enjoy the Garbage Pail Kids movie. There are just somethings we’ll never understand.

      • San Shinobi

        Guilty pleasures, mate.

    • Austin McDowell

      Star Ocean 3 was no where near as bad as this.

      • Antix

        hey, i actually liked Star Ocean 3.

  • Jonathan Hemmila

    My, my, Hobo cum in a banana peel. That very original and disgusting, lol. The Dr. Insano bit was the funnest thing I have seen in a while, grats.

    • theshamster

      I was–unfortunately–drinking some tea when Insano mentioned the “Stuff at the bottom of a urinal”.

  • Lisa Fisk

    You can’t tell a compelling story if you give the character freedom? Two words for them: FallOut.

    • LotusPrince

      Hell, Final Fantasy Fucking Six.

      • Jegsimmons

        Legend of Zelda

  • theshamster

    I don’t get how the party would be able to fight the final boss at all if he is a god.

    If he were a REAL god, all he needed to do was make a slight flicker of his mind and BAM, send them all to “hell” or Oblivion or something; in fact, he would be utterly impossible to even hurt (or even reach). Their ‘mere human’ attacks would do absolutely nothing to him, not even their special attacks.

    I never played the game, but it said these ‘gods’ are far, far, far beyond human comprehension and can do anything they wish at any time, so to even try taking on one, you’d have to be a god yourself.

    Also, why does the police and army serve him, if they’re hunting down anyone who serves him? You know, the “I have the tattoo mark, I’m an agent of these gods, fear me!” and yet the people worship and serve these gods anyhow, yet they’re scared of people who serve them…I’m so confused here. It’s like the writers just gave up and continued to change their minds on what the plot is about. What the #$@&$#& is going on here?!?! Is this why they needed 2 more games to explain the ‘story’? Can someone please tell me what the plot is about.

    You’re right Spoony; fuck this game!

    • Symbol de Au

      Well Orphan isn’t a god. He’s a falcie and they’re not gods. Some of the people in the game may have seen him as one but he’s not one. Anyway the people in the game are scared of people who serve pulse falcie. They’re not scared of the cocoon falcie.

      • theshamster

        (reads all what you said)

        So basically, the falcie (Lets just call them demigods, it sounds much easier) want to bring back the real god by killing everyone, and the people don’t know this, and they fear one group of demigods, yet love the others, and the characters in the story are forced to destroy the planet.
        Couldn’t they have just TOLD us this in the game, rather than confuse the crap out of us?!?! And who is this real “God” of theirs anyhow?

        • Green Fred

          Except that’s one of the few things that WAS explained in the game. The main characters just decide to dick around for 10+ hours and squabble over whether or not it’s true after it’s explained to them pretty clearly, albeit admittingly by the main villain.

          It just sounds really confusing in a short summary instead of 40 hours of having an anvil dropped on your head about it and every “significant” moment in the game through half a million datalogs. In context, it works. It’s still not *good*, but it’s pretty standard “everything you believed in was a lie, and now you got to kill god-like beings and save the world” plot that’s been in nearly every main FF game since FF7.

        • Symbol de Au

          Pretty much yeah.

          Anyway I don’t think most Falcie can actually talk since only like 3 of them do and the others just kind of…do their thing. Anyway the first Falcie they meet that can actually talk does tell them what their focus is directly after the part where the video cuts off. This begs the question why he didn’t tell them before but since he’s the ruler and people are watching him at all times he can’t just leave whenever he wants. So I guess he just waited until they came to him. The time when he actually does leave to talk to them he had resigned from being ruler and thus could leave and do whatever he wanted.

          Their real “god”? I have no idea really. Apparently they’re named lindzei but I never saw mention of this in the game.(just on tvtropes) Anyway the “god” they’re trying to bring back made everything in their universe but they made falcie to do specific things…like keep cocoon floating, make food…dig tunnels but they made humans to be able to do whatever they want. Since Falcie can’t do anything other than what they were designed to do they force humans to do their things for them by turning them into L’cie. To be honest I’m confused too. I’m not even sure if this whole plan is something all the falcie wanted or just a few of them. The other falcie seem pretty much like super-powered animals that don’t want anything…they’re just there.

    • Zefram Mann

      It’s not unheard of. In Greek lore Ares (yeah, the fucking God of War) was beaten at least one occasion by a mortal. As to whether he had flaming chain-axes is something of a matter of contention though.

      Biblical writings had a man wrestle with someone who might have been God (or one of His higher angels) and Rabbinical lore had Moses, upon reaching Heaven, kill a rogue angel with a single blow from his staff for trying to eat him.

      So, rare, but not without precedent.

      • Andrew DeCaire

        I remember that story, the guy who wrestled God and won. It was in a cracked article of top 7 most bad*** stories from the bible. (Or something along those lines)

        • elconrado

          That’s Jacob.

          He’s renamed to Israel, which means “He who struggles with God”.

          • Andrew DeCaire

            I thought that was his name, but I have a bad memory and thus didn’t want to risk getting it wrong lest I tick off hordes of religious people. And I was too lazy to look it up ^^;

      • doresh

        Wasn’t Ares also wounded in the Trojan war because he got a bit carried away during a particular heated battle?

    • Daniel Wolf

      “God” does not mean “omnipotent.” The vast majority of gods worshiped on our very planet were a lot more like just very powerful people. Even in the earlier days of Judaism, Yahweh was significantly more anthropomorphised and even fallible.

      • theshamster

        So what you mean is that the Abramic god has been ‘overpowered’ by people as time went on, just to make him better than everything which in turn gets idiots boasting about who is more powerful with religious wars, or assholes like Fred Phelps, or the dicks from the vids that Brad shows us, Phil Phillips, and gary Greenwald, telling people “God will pitch you into hell” just because you’re not following him or something, when really he’s not as supremely powerful as they thought?

        People also did this with Satan; the horror stories and tales and so on make it look like he’s more powerful than Yahweh, when “Satan” in reality is just a Hebrew word for “adversary”. It was just given a ‘image’ for symbolic purposes to get the message across easier.

        Geez, we really screwed up this worlds faiths with all this messing around, didn’t we?

        • Andrew DeCaire

          I agree with all of that. But I fear this might start a religious debate.

          • theshamster

            In that case, we shall say no more and “Agree to disagree”

          • Andrew DeCaire


    • Jonah Rosen

      Didn’t stop the Shin Megami Tensei series from allowing you to defeat god, and that’s by far a much better series.

    • LotusPrince

      “If he were a REAL god, all he needed to do was make a slight flicker of
      his mind and BAM, send them all to “hell” or Oblivion or something”

      You’re confusing “a god” with “the all-powerful Christian god”.

  • Meghan Heath

    To correct a few things: Final Fantasy XIII ALWAYS had sequels planned. This wasn’t something decided after the first game came out. When XIII was being developed, I saw advertisements for VS XIII. Course, if the game still SUCKED and HAD LOW SALES, they would’ve not MADE them. So I still blame the fans for that one. And I used to love this series.

    • theshamster

      You know, Square could always remake some of the older games, but with today’s technology; keep the story plot the same, keep the items, magic, armour and skills system the same, just enhance the graphics and re-release the old games with a fresh new look.

      I’d love to see a game like…FF6 remade with today’s graphics; we can hear what Kefka’s voice sounds like.

      • Daniel Wolf

        Those older games like FF6 and FF7 are practically legendary. Great as they were, they’re way overblown in most people’s heads. Square would have a hard time living up to people’s expectations if they remade them.

        • likalaruku

          SE is having a really shit year; Sales aren’t meeting expectations & FF13 & FFATB were both critically panned.

          They might have to do an HD remake of FF7 & a KH3 just to appease their fanbase.

          SE needs to stop telling us what we want & start listening.

          • Andrew DeCaire

            They’re releasing HD remakes of X/X-2 Kingdom Hearts 1 and Chain of Memories, and Final Fantasy 8 with improved graphics (But not HD) as a PC exclusive.

      • Andrew DeCaire

        They are. I heard a few years back that they were planning remakes for 5 and 6 for DS, well I guess 3DS now. They were going to have the graphics of 3 and 4 DS. I don’t know if they’re still planning that or what.

    • Daniel Wolf

      Except Final Fantasy Versus XIII isn’t a sequel to Final Fantasy XIII and has no direct relation to it. I’m not saying they didn’t always plan sequels, but your point doesn’t make any sense.

    • doresh

      You can still change stuff after you’ve planned it. “Final Fantasy Agito XIII” for example was quietly renamed into “Final Fantasy Type-0″.

      Besides, Versus is NOT a sequel. It’s an unrelated spin-offs taking place “in the same universe as FFXIII” – whatever the hell that means.

      And what about XIII-2 and Lightning Returns? I don’t remember them being unveiled along with Agito and Versus.

  • Cole Christie

    wow that bullshit coming from the producers mouths was. . . well bullshit

  • smaco

    I dont get it, If what spoony says its true, Why the hell does this thing has high ratings? I mean, im not only talking about corporation (that could be bought or whatever) im talking about people. User reviews… I expected GameSpot users reviews would be completely different .. but they weren’t. they where 8.6, with a lot of 9’s and 10’s… I’d love to hear from the other side of the coin, what those people see in this game? if the review ive just seen is true and not missing anything??

    • likalaruku

      I’m in the middle. Lightening is the first female FF character I’ve liked since its 2D days (because she’s a bitch & so am I), & I will take this over FFX2 any day, but Spoony’s got a ton of valid points. I would actually rather play this in Japanese with english subtitles just so I didn’t have to listed to the repetitive dialogue. (& you can only do that with a Chinese bootleg),

      But the majority of people are able to just shut their brains off & enjoy dumb things for what they are; that’s why Micheal Bay still has a career.

      • Anima Libera

        Lightning? A bitch? You haven’t met a lot of “bitches”, have you?

        I still don’t get why people are so keen on listening to Japanese people talk. No wonder these people misinterpret plots and characters. What part of: “You do not understand Japanese” do you people not understand? There are so many different references and variations in tone and syntax that a non-speaker would never in a million years pick up, even with mild knowledge in the language. Most times the English voices aren’t even that bad but people insist on listening to a language they do not comprehend just for the sake of it being that specific language. What gives? Is this a fad I wasn’t reminded of? Did I not get the memo? Are weeaboos suddenly masters at acting critique now?

        The english voice-overs aren’t that bad. They give a lot of depth to some characters in ways that japanese voice work can never do. Lightning isn’t a great character, but the deliberate form of her english voice-over makes her a much more interpretable character whose emotional outbursts carry over some weight, whereas the generic Japanese voices tend to blend together. Sazh is probably the best one, out of a very small number of characters in the entire roster with any semblence of depth and motivation, and his Japanese voice work is boring as all hell, especially given the repetitive nature of the Japanese language.

        Michael Bay doesn’t have a career because most people like to shut their brains off and enjoy dumb things. He has a career because most people are outright stupid.

        • likalaruku

          A bitch is a good thing to be, no matter what Bennet the Sage says. The soft dainty maidenly weak useless ultrafeminine girls are the worst.

          I’ve been a dub hater for well over a decade, so why would I want to hear an asian game in english? WHY??

          • Andrew DeCaire

            Hey give X-2 credit, as least…

            1- No broken leveling up system.

            2- A decent job system, again better than 13 pulled off.

            3- Tons of Minigames

            4- Paine is more badass than Lightning could ever wish to be. She’s not a girly-girl but also not a bitch. Being a bitch is not something to be proud of, it’s another word for saying “You’re an asshole but female” why is that a good thing…? Being an empowered woman is excellent, but that’s not to say being a bitch is the right way to go about it.

          • TerminalSanity

            Nah generally being a bitch like being a dick is just annoying. I mean sure treating a moron like Snow like a the moron he is fine but that’s just being sensible not a bitch. Being obstinate and stubborn is just that. Though I guess I could see how one would regard Lightening as an improvement over the likes of Yuna or Rikku. Though Lightening has nothing on the likes of Terra and Celes by me.

            *Sigh* remember when FF characters actually grew and had conflicted motivations in the course of the game. Oh well back to playing Fire Emblem Awakening

  • likalaruku

    I can’t wait for his FFXIV review. I read that Sony apologized twice for that one. FF: All the Bravest received the worst ratings of any FF game, but I’m not sure their’s enough to that game to make work with.

    • theshamster

      Who else gagged when Insano brought out the more disgusting things like the sludge from a urinal, or that little goblin fellow who, when squeezed, poops, and the vomit, then ate it all?

      Ah well, all in the name of science!

      • Christopher Smith

        Umm… No one? :D

  • Xell1987

    you know which ff13 fanboy excuse for the linearity i really hate? “they are on the a run, thats why they cant go in towns!1111!” Because its not that fucking hard for the enemie to block the way. SENSE MOTHERFUCKIER; DO YOU MAKE IT?!!!

    And a big Fuck you to all video game magazines who gave this game 39/40 or 120/100. You wouldnt know a good game if it jumps out and bites you in your ass!

    • San Shinobi

      You can be a fugitive in Skyrim too, but you don’t see Bethesda making that game into a rail shooter.

      • Anima Libera

        I don’t think XIII’s linearity is a good thing, but using Skyrim as an example is just equally as bad.

        Yeah, sure. You can be a fugitive in Skyrim too, but you can also not give a shit about anything and never have any real consequences for your actions. I think that’s what Kitase wanted to say but failed at doing so. Square Enix doesn’t want to make a game where the player can act like an idiot and do things that don’t really amount to anything storywise, such as Skyrim, but at the same time, they fail to do a compelling linear storyline.

        There is such a thing as a good linear game. Most all JRPGs are extremely linear, and they’re among the most beloved videogames of all time. Freedom, or open-world, is not always a good thing if you want the player to be emotionally attached to characters.

        Hell, I can’t name a single non-crucial NPC in Skyrim, and those that I do remember were to incredibly artificial and one-dimensional that they destroyed any and all forms of immersion.

        • Nash Knight

          True that. Skyrim is also a terrible game.

        • Jegsimmons

          aside from the gaurds, the bounty hunters, the assasins, and god knows what else wants to kill you.

  • Micah Schweitzer

    “[I]t becomes very difficult to tell a compelling story when you’re given that much freedom.” Square Enix are such Massive Fecks.

    • LotusPrince

      Yeah, Final Fantasy 6’s story was incredibly difficult to tell and interpret.

      Fuck you hard, Square Enix.

  • Xell1987

    Spoony, i would love if you make a video how YOU would tell the story of FF8 or FF13. I know you can make it better then SE did

    • theshamster

      I’m sure he’d make Squall a cool guy who makes out with Quintis, and KILLS the traitor Seifer in front of the sorceress by lopping off his head.

      • Jegsimmons

        Then fucks the sorceress, takes a shit on her throne, drink all the beer, and leaves with the toilet seat up and pours water on all the toilet paper.

        i’d play that.

  • Andrew DeCaire

    No Lightning trying to kill Spoony at the end? Hmm…

    • David Miller

      Maybe he wants April to play the part of Lighting?

      • Jegsimmons

        So April will be playing a plank of wood with a pouty face drawn on it?

  • Joel Snelling

    Really no beating up Snow at the end… shame. Still 13.2 to come, but that would leave us with Noel (the only actually useful character in 13.2, serah couldn’t survive in a balloon and cotton candy factory on her own)

  • Zaydin

    You know, I actually thought the gameplay for FFXIII was… okay. I have played worse games, but yeah, EVERYTHING is railroaded. The only parts of Final Fantasy XIII I found myself liking without any real qualifications was that it looked gorgeous and the soundtrack was beautiful; I hated the story, which I found incoherent, especially since terms that are used a lot are hardly ever explained in dialogue, instead dumped in the encylopedia. A GOOD story gives players just enough information in dialogue to tell them everything they need to know, and then offers up more detailed information that, while nice to know, is not necessary for the story to be cohesive (See: Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Fallout, etc)

    A game railroading you can be fine so long as the story is cohesive, the characters likeable, and the gameplay is fun (See: Bioshock, Persona 4, etc). And even though the plots for the games I mentioned railroad the player, they do still leave choices up to the player. And, the biggest thing in favor of them, the gameplay is fun!

    FF XIII fails on most of those counts; battles are almost impossible to avoid, even if you aren’t in the mood to fight. Leveling up leaves no options, and there’s no thrill of discovery when you level up, since other JRPGs I’ve played leave it a mystery what skill your characters will get next. The upgrade system quite honestly felt pointless, and the crushing linearity of the levels was frustrating.

    The main reason I ended up turning off the game and quitting in frustration was that, on chapter 9 out of 13, the game still wouldn’t let me choose who was in my f@%King party! It blew my mind that they would make a stunningly bad decision like that; over halfway through the game, story wise, and yet they were still refusing to let you make one of the most fundamental decisions in any RPG, that of your party composition. In most RPGs, if you are forced, the only character you are ever forced to keep in your party throughout the game is the main character, and they don’t forbid you from changing the rest of your party for the majority of the game!

    All the bad design decisions Square Enix made with FFXIII left me just baffled; how did a company with Squares pedgiree in the damn genre make so many mistakes?! How did they think their decisions were good ones?!

    • David Miller

      Ironically the Elder Scrolls Series has massive popularity in Japan starting from Morrow Wind to the point where they have Sub vs Dub debates. Skyrim got 40/40 in Fatismu(sp) and you would think that Square Enix would take the hint and see that maybe a massive Sandbox isn’t a bad thing.

      • Christopher James Wynn

        The comment about western vs eastern style RPGs is bunk. Square Enix simply wanted to control the player actions because it makes it easier to make the game. Bioware uses the same excuse for its recent run of games (see Dragon Age 2, Mass Effect 3 and the disappointing SWTOR). It has less to do with ‘telling a story’ and more to do with controlling it so your staff has less work/

      • LotusPrince

        That “western gaming” thing is utter horseshit. The Final Fantasy games themselves were kind of open-worldish, especially Final Fantasy 6 (the most popular freaking one, no less). Hell, Mystic Quest was the Final Fantasy game that condescended to Western gamers, and it was STILL more open than FF13. At least you could walk around in freaking TOWNS, and talk to NPC’s, god forbid.

        • David Miller

          Agreed but also from what I have heard FF13 had a very troubled development cycle seeing as it was trying to do so many things such as not having to do a manual install on the PS3 while keeping load times short and if you know anything about the PS3 hardware you would know how difficult that is.

          There was also the fact that the story team and dev team were not working in sync with one another so there were bound to be story/design problems throughout. Remember the infamous cut content that was found after the game was released and was to have been cut so that it would fit on the 360 version without having to use like 5 discs and such?

          But yeah Square really dropped the ball on this one seeing as there was a ton of potential that didn’t get explored.

    • Kuroonehalf

      Storytelling was never Enix’s forte, and while this one is especially bad, I firmly believe that’s not what led to the game’s demise. They’ve always been a visual and gameplay driven series. And it was the gameplay gamble gone awry that ruined the plan. Notice that every iteration of the series suffers fairly major battle changes. They’ve always been very experimental in that sense. And this was just another experiment that coupled with an even less-than-par storytelling made for a really crummy full product.

      • Zaydin

        I don’t know, Square used to be able to tell some good stories; the plots for Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy IV were pretty good and coherently told. Seems like Squares stories really only started to go downhill after the merger that made them Square Enix.

    • Kajitani-Eizan

      Your timing is impeccable. Midway through Chapter 9 is when the entire party reunites. This is the first time in the game all six party members are together, it is the time when the game lets you customize your party composition, and is it the time when the difficulty begins ramping up considerably and the battles are tightly tuned.

      • Zaydin

        Unless the moment when the party reunites flips a ‘Make the Game Good’ switch, Chapter Nines start was the final straw for me. It was the first time I could recall in the game where they gave me more people in my party than would fit in battle, yet they refused to let me switch things around. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me, and I decided this wasn’t a game worth playing anymore. And even then, the fact that they decided splitting the party for over half the game was a good idea means that the design team for Final Fantasy XIII had an alien concept of ‘fun’, as if the other poor decisions in the game weren’t evidence enough.

        To quote Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation, Final Fantasy XIII feels like a game that wants the player involved as little as possible.

        • Kajitani-Eizan

          Actually, yeah, pretty much. IMO the gameplay of the later parts of the game makes the whole thing worth playing through. The beginning of the game is atrocious and there are many questionable design choices, but the battle system/exploration/challenging foes in Chapters 9/11/12/13 is just really well done. It’s just a shame that the 20 hour tutorial is relatively uninteresting and the plot presentation/characters/hallways/whatever are so ???

          • Zaydin

            I don’t really buy the ‘it gets better later’ argument, especially when the qualification is ‘It takes twenty hours to get good’. A game needs to grab the player attention from the start and keep their attention and immerse them in the game world. Some games that I have played that started slowly (games like Alpha Protocol or arguably Fallout: New Vegas) redeemed themselves by the rest of the game getting great fast once you finish the tutorials. In Alpha Protocol, for example, despite a rough start, once I finished the first real mission, I felt awesome when I finished the mission without setting off a single alarm and without killing anyone. Playing FFXIII, the game failed to ever get me to feel that sense of accomplishment, just weary resignation as I continued.

            If a game fails to be able to hold a players attention and get them to care about the characters or what is happening in the story, the developer failed miserably somewhere during the design stages.

            And even if the game does supposedly get better once you reach Pulse, that does not make up for the fact that getting there is a chore, and the story incomprehensible and the characters one dimensional and unchanging up to that point.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            It doesn’t matter. The point is that the game is good when you get to Pulse. Is the cost of getting there too high? Possibly, for someone who can’t stomach the thought of going through a 20 hour tutorial first and can’t stand the game during it. For someone who’s already on Chapter 9? You might as well give it a go.

            As I said, the beginning of the game is atrocious. If I were asked to give an objective assessment of the game as a whole, it would be “bad”. That doesn’t change the fact that I thought the later stages of the game were absolutely incredible.

  • Zero Tiamat

    Is this really IT? Spoony is just halfway through the game… There is so much more stupid to cover. Plus Burton is beeing all menacing in the end, there HAS to be more.

    • Manuel Wolf

      oh, there will be more.
      notice how there is no one from the game trying to kill him at the end of the video?
      to quote community, who were probably quoting something else: this isn’t over… this is still happening!

      • Jim Boom

        Sephy IS a fan of his work. We shall see. At least one more ep to nail Bart, Pulse, and Orphan if not more.

  • Pat Real

    Wait, I thought Bartandoleus (sp) was the second to last boss? Or am I waaaay off?

    • Green Fred

      Both. You first fight him about halfway through the game after his big villainous reveal, then again before the final boss. The party also sees and talks to him several times between those two points as well. :3

  • GeekyDragonGirl

    You know, my little sister has the perfect Final Fantasy comparison. The Final Fantasy series is like cake. Final Fantasies I through V were the trial and error basic chocolate cake recipes, each improvement to the recipe made the basic cake better and the basic recipe was perfected in VI. VII through X-2 is where they started using frosting. The
    frosting was different each time, but the basic cake, the soul of the series
    was always there and the fans ate it up.( X-2 added cheesecake bites on top of
    the cake.) Then the head baker left to work elsewhere and the other bakers had
    to take over.

    XII was a different recipe, though we’ve had the bakers before (Yasumi Matsuno of the Final Fantasy:Tactics and Hiroyuki Ito).But , halfway through two other bakers had to take over the cake. The cake had a bit more of a complex taste and some mistakes were made due to the baker change, but overall the cake was good. Different but good, fans either loved
    the cake or hated the cake because it wasn’t the original recipe or wasn’t suited to their tastes.

    XIII was a lovely cake, a stunningly beautiful cake from a baker we’ve had before (X), but the baker made some basic mistakes that ruined a potentially excellent cake and without the head baker around and some of his worst flavoring ideas came out. The cake came out edible, not good, not bad, simply edible.

    I find it kinda funny that Spoony’s most hated Final Fantasy games X and XIII had the same director, Motomu Toriyama. Kind of explains the story problems in X, doesn’t it. Add Toriyama to the list if you haven’t already right next to EA. And now I have a mental image of Motomu Toriyama dressed as a baker, saying ‘Of course lime and garlic salsa goes with chocolate, you just don’t get it…’

    • That Darn Alchemist

      Alright, so are the characters sprinkles or ingredients? Is Snow part of the lime and garlic salsa? Vanille is Vanilla obviously, so who’s sugar? Is Lightning allspice or nutmeg? Oh, Hel, I’m over thinking this…

    • Kuroonehalf

      Well, gotta give credit where credit is due though, the premises are interesting. It’s just that they have no idea how the hell to flesh them out. Take X, there’s this almighty colossal beast that just goes around obliterating cities and the only way to (temporarily) stop it is by sacrificing a specially trained sorcerer. Getting to go along one of these martyrs’ journey is a genuinely interesting plot.

    • Gildedtongue

      It’s kind of weird, when you think about it, the relationship between Squaresoft and Enix. I always kind of viewed Enix as the quiet older brother to Square’s more bombastic, attention grabbing self.

      To continue the baking metaphor, whilst Square made their cakes, and kept making them more and more complex, which in return, is more and more often blowing up in their own faces, Enix is more of the quiet muffin maker.

      Enix’s muffins are relatively plain. Oh, sure, sometimes it’s Blueberry, other times it is Cranberry, and once in awhile it’s Strudel, but in the end, the Dragon Quest series is a game set with simple means.

      But, the amount of years has shown in those ‘simple muffins.’ The technique honed like a Zen master, creating a generally perfect turn based RPG. You look at a game like Final Fantasy XIII and then look at Dragon Quest IX, and, sometimes it’s hard to remember they both came out of the same building. Dragon Quest doesn’t make a lot of innovations, sure, but it does seem to be polished to a mirror shine.

      Then again, I’m more of a Genso Suikoden fan in the end, so…

  • White Rose Brian

    Okay, I must admit that bit with Doctor Insano was both gross and funny.

    Are you planning on prematurely ending this series and moving onto something else?

  • LotusPrince

    It’s a real shame that the series seems to be ending here. From what I was told on twitter, this is only halfway through the game. Oh god, this game.

  • Derek Thomas

    2 days and I need more spoony!

  • Martin Markov

    I literally stubbed my toe on my jaw when the twist that the Primarch was a fal’cie. In just what kind of bullshit inverted bizarro universe does this make any sense whatsoever?!?! At what point did the writer of this game said to himself “This makes perfect sense”? Because that’s the point where reality ITSELF has jumped the shark in allowing a person this retarded to not only exist, not only be an established writer, but somehow being hired to writer a Final Fantasy game.

    There are no excuses for this game’s problems, they said there’s no free-roaming in order to focus on the story, the characters and establishing the world, but the story is bullshit, the characters are annoying morons and Cocoon is quite possibly the most baffling, schizophrenic, inconsistent, undefined and uninteresting setting in a video game ever. And as for their opinion that’s it’s hard to tell a compelling story in an open world, System Shock, Mass Effect, KotOR, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Chrono Trigger, the first seven Ultima games and Fucking FINAL FANTASY VI (and VII and any game before them) would disagree with you Motomu Toriyama.
    As for Spoony giving up on reviewing this mind fuck of a video game, it does sound plausible given just how much it sucks, but let’s face it he’s not gonna give up this easily, if he managed to tackle Ultima 9 there really isn’t anything he can’t handle. He’s probably going to take a break from it and do something else like one or two movies/video games before coming back and finishing giving this game the biggest, loudest, sweariest and funniest critique this game will ever receive in this universe.

  • Adam Tajima

    amen, you mothafuckah, goddamn amen to ya review!
    i love ff because ff2 (famicon ff2 because i lived in japan) was the first game that my dad bought for me. fuck you and start making goddamn good ff!!

  • Liezl Bohnen

    Wait.. …what?? that’s IT?!!! I was waiting for the story to START! Every-one said the story got good about 24 hours in!! WHAT?! WHERE?! WHAT??!! I just… I don’t.. …I can’t even type I.. ..just.. …WHAT??!!!

  • Liezl Bohnen

    Also, Worst ending theme ever. It sounds like the bastard love child of shitty J-Pop and Beyonce.

    Also, fuck you Toriyama you xenophobic asshole. “Western perspective” indeed.

  • Adam Pupil

    If there will be a part 5 to the review, I would like to see Spoony make a comment on the not so hidden cutscene of Hope hitting on Vanille. The kid is 14 and she’s 19 (if you don’t count all the years she was a crystal).

  • Elegy Mills

    Wh-… Well, that…wow… Uhm. Ok, so the review itself, I loved it. If this is the end, I don’t blame you. This game is fucking schizophrenic in how insane everything about it is. I’ve known ONE PERSON who enjoyed this game and go figure, she was a vapid, shallow bitch anyway who loved fucking Twilight SO GO FUCKING FIGURE! I’ve never known a single person who has played FF-13 who said they enjoyed it AT ALL other than her; every single other person, possibly a number VERY CLOSE to a hundred, whom I’ve spoken to about this game, SAVE FOR THE ONE, UNANIMOUSLY HAVE STATED THIS GAME IS A STEAMING SACK OF DOG SHIT. And yet…and yet…it sold…better than any of the other games in the entire series. It sold better than 7. Ok? Ok?? You guys understand me, here?? And then came the review scroll at the end in the credits. …And I realized…you’re right. This is the highest-selling game in the Final Fantasy franchise. And perhaps also the most critically praised by all the major review outlets, of all the FF games.

    Whatever that racist almond-eyed fuck’s name was, the one that was talking about how western RPGs don’t allow an in-depth character interaction or story? FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING NIPPON SHIT-LORD. Mass Effect! Elder Scrolls! Dragon Age! Chrono Trigger! Knights of the fucking Old Republic! God damn World of Warcraft! Ultima!! FALLOUT!!! System Shock! FUCKING BIOSHOCK. FUCK you, Toriyuma or whatever the fuck your name is. You wouldn’t know a good story if it stood up and dick-whipped you in the eye and blew a load of plot all over your face, you fucking retarded AZN whore!

    I haven’t bought a single FF game since 10. Toriwhateverthefuck just cemented my conviction to hold that course. Spoony, I truly hope you bought this copy used or second-hand or someone gave it to you, I really do, I seriously hope you didn’t give these assholes money by buying this game new.

    I just…wow. That’s just fucking insulting. What the fuck is HAPPENING TO MODERN GAMING, DAMMIT?! We were hitting a period of art and story and now we’re just descending into mass-produced mediocrity that somehow scores near-perfect reviews from the reviewers the company in question keeps buying out. This is fucking depressing.

    Good on ya Spoony for putting this shit out there, though. Stay loud, man. If you can show a hundred people who were on the fence about this game how shitty it is, and how games like it are shit, and you can convince them of it…you’re doing better than most of us hardcore or oldschool gamers are.

    • Tenco1

      Actually, this game didn’t sell better than 7, because if it did, there would be a remake of 7 coming out. Well, unless they were joking the time they said they’d remake 7 if another game sold better than it.

      “What the fuck is HAPPENING TO MODERN GAMING, DAMMIT?!”

      Bioshock Infinite. Wait no, that one had a deep story and took its sweet time. Seriously though, history tends to sift out the shit.

    • J.G. te Molder

      Did it sell more? Well, if it did, that’s not impressive. A lot more video game players around these days; bigger market can create more sales, that doesn’t really prove anything. And if it means “made more money”, inflation is another factor. Market share; percentage of gamers who bought the game, is probably a better gauge of how well a game did.

    • Guest

      You know that used and second hand are synonyms, right? :D

    • Christopher Smith

      You know that used and second-hand are synonyms, right? :D

  • Jake Adducci

    I have yet to find a critic that can make a review through this entire game. That is a testament to its horribleness.

  • WolfyD

    Umm… is Doctor Insano dead? I mean i hope he is… for his sake.

  • Christopher Smith

    Whoever wrote this childish review is the biggest douche I’ve had the misfortune of reading in a while

    • draxo

      That guy is a total fuckwit.

      Also the exact type of fuckwit that is partly responsible for exactly why S-E is currently burning and sinking. Since they listen to these fuckwits and ignore the real criticism that keeps the afloat. These fuckwits are in the minority, but they’re a vocal minority that work hard to quell any dissent and honest constructive criticism that would help build and grow the series. They swing from forum to forum trying to make themselves seem much more numerous than they are. Normal people… the ones who make up the majority of S-E’s revenue and keep them in business.. just give up. Maybe make a few critical comments here and there but seeing the backlash of these fuckwits just give up.

      • Patrick Coyle

        “It makes sense that the first half of the game would be fairly linear – after all, you’re inside a relatively tiny, hollowed-out moon-like satellite called Cocoon, which like its name suggests, fairly cozily houses its inhabitants. Wide-open spaces simply wouldn’t fit.”

        The same was true for the Death Star, and I remember it having multiple hallways from which to choose, with intersections and everything.

        “Where Cocoon was claustrophobic and linear, Pulse’s Archylte Steppe is wide open, with more than enough area to explore.”

        Yes, wide open with more than enough area to get into more monster battles. That’s what you want when you’re exploring, right? More monster battles.

        “There are no random encounters, so you can avoid enemies whenever you’d like to avoid battle fatigue.”

        Except you’ll be underpowered for the next boss fight and following plot point, and there’s really nothing else to do in this game anyway, so…

        “The shop menus (like all of FFXIII’s menus) are lovely. Each shop has its own sounds, logos, and even punchy, consumerism-celebratory flavor text to describe each retailer.”

        Yes, gorgeous menu wallpaper is what we really want from our games.

        Of course, my Magic cards also have gorgeous art and punchy flavor text for me to admire. You know what else they give me? A game to play.

  • 狐・小百合

    Oh yeah I can see why we hate FF13 from our “western perspective” because FF1~FF6 were totally plagued with being made to cater for this “western perspective”.

    • Kajitani-Eizan

      Actually, yes… Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy were made to try to make a D&D (a Western thing, if you notice) type game more accessible to the Japanese crowd. You’ll notice that FF13 is further from D&D than the series has ever gotten.

    • kallikanzarid

      I can’t see how it’s a matter of perspective, unless by Japanese perspective you really mean coke-induced ADHD.

  • 狐・小百合

    I wouldn’t mind the hallway so much if the game actually let me play instead of me just watching the game play itself while shouting suggestions at it.

  • Valérie Dicaire

    LOL, that Dr Insano scene cannot have been easy to do… You really look like you’re about to puke after every sentence! xD Unless that was your mad acting skills on full display there, in which case, kudos!

  • Jegsimmons

    you know, that end quote about ‘rpgs being to open to tell a story’ makes me want to bust open that dude’s skull with a copy of GTA4, Red Dead Redemption, Skyrim, and Fallout 3/New Vegas.

    Eat shit. This is the biggest reason why modern shooters aside from a few franchises, are giant pieces of crap. Its because linearity has basically turned them into rail shooters.
    For examples see the call of duty franchise.

    And on top of that, if this game wasnt an RPG but more along of a hack and slash beat em up, it would be better, because there is no RPG element in this game.
    Upgrade weapons? Whoopty Shit.
    Can’t go outside of the fucking hallway, no listening to gossip and rumors at the local bar, not customization of appearance.

    The final fantasy games are in no way RPGs. you’re not roll playing, you’re just playing someone with an already set personality and goal. Open world is what MAKES an RPG because then you’re actually ROLE PLAYING.

    Hell, Kingdom Hearts was a better RPG, because it had the decency to spare us the turn based bullshit and let do what VIDEO GAMES ARE MADE FOR!!!

    Press X to ruin some bastards shit! Press X again to stomp his ass to the point you’re wearing his colon as an ankle bracelet!


    Also, judgeing from final fantasy x, x2, 13, ect, i have come to the conclusion that either the dubbing sucks a bag of floppy donkey dicks…..or…..Japanese people have the worlds most awkward conversations on a daily basis.

    • Lina Jones

      I’d go with the latter, honestly. The dubbing really isn’t bad, save for a few really annoying characters, and I think that’s more to do with the character having that kind of personality. But plenty of anime have really awkward conversations or moments.

      • Jegsimmons

        Funimation’s One Piece doesnt. thats some of the best banter ive ever heard.

        • Lina Jones

          I would rather stab my ears with needles than listen to ANY One Piece dub.

          • Jegsimmons

            why? the funimation dub is some fo the best ive ever heard!

            fine, be close minded with stabbed ears then.

          • Lina Jones

            It’s hard to be open minded with the amount of ear-splitting screaming that goes on in that show.

    • draxo

      I’m starting to think that quote has more to do with it being impossible to rationalize the utter insanity that is ff13’s world… they cant make this cocoon / fal / lecie shit credible. It just makes no sense at all.

      I think the biggest lesson S-E needs to learn is that they need to keep the world settings somewhat credible. FF6/7/8/9 and even 10 / 11 / 12.. they worked to differing degrees. People LOVED the settings of these games. When people need an in game encyclopedia to even try to get to grips with even the simplest things in your games… you have utterly failed with your world design.

    • Sfr528

      I believe you completely misunderstand what the meaning of an RPG is in Japan. Most JRPG’s have nothing to do with role playing — you aren’t creating a hero to your likeness, you are watching a narrative unfold, it’s more akin to reading a book than making any kind of meaningful choice.

      Besides that, I’ve honestly never seen the point of role playing in a video game. Games are bound to rules, just because its a huge open world with vast areas to explore filled with enemies to kill, the fact remains to progress in the game you are forced to abide by certain parameters that the programmers intend you to do… I’m not saying those open world games you listed were bad, but they certainly don’t prove that linearity is a bad thing. Sometimes it’s fun to get lost in a huge open world, and sometimes you just want a game where its easy to find your way.

      It’s sad really, but no game really offer much in the way of choice. There is never meaningful choice in a game, everything is predetermined. It’s an illusion. Every game that gives you choice tends to boil down to the good guy choice, the bad guy choice, or the neutral choice. To be honest, I’d rather have a game that spent more time trying to tell an amazing story than one trying to create some half assed system of choices (not that FFXIII managed that). If you want real choice, you need to role play with friends over a board game. Spontaneous choices can actually occur that way, just because a manual has something laid out — there is nothing stopping the game from going a different direction. I don’t see console games ever reaching that kind of level of gameplay…

      Final Fantasy XIII’s biggest flaw wasn’t the linearity, it was the simple fact that the story wasn’t very compelling. The combat failed to impress many gamers due to how little control you had over it. Locations were boring. There was no real driving force to continue. I don’t blame Square for wanting to tell a more structured story, marginalizing other aspects of gameplay to achieve that. However, the fact remains that the story failed to enthrall most. This entry into the Final Fantasy franchise unfortunately had many aspects working against it.

      • J.G. te Molder

        >Games are bound to rules, just because its a huge open world with
        >vast areas to explore filled with enemies to kill, the fact remains to
        >progress in the game you are forced to abide by certain parameters
        >that the programmers intend you to do…

        The same goes for table top RPGs. Granted, with the dungeon master present he can adapt more to what you choose to do, but ultimately, the game has rules and DM is telling a story you’re part of.

        >There is never meaningful choice in a game, everything is predetermined.
        >It’s an illusion. Every game that gives you choice tends to boil down to the
        >good guy choice, the bad guy choice, or the neutral choice.

        Play The Witcher and even more so The Witcher 2 and see if you still think that must be the case.

      • Jegsimmons

        Then obviously Japan does not understand what an RPG is.

        And just because technology is limited for video games, it doesn’t mean the rpg element isn’t present.

        • Mokuren

          No, Japan does not understand what an RPG is.

          To them, “role-playing” means you have levels and stats, and that’s being very very generous: there’s plenty of games that are called “RPGs” in Japan where all they have is platformer action with items you can collect and use.

          Creating a character and making choices is extremely alien to the JRPG industry, there are only a very very select few exceptions to the latter, and nearly no dice to the former.

      • Patrick Coyle

        A lot of what you say is totally true, but there is a benefit to allowing even the illusion of freedom in a story-driven game when it’s done well (especially if the choices are more nuanced than “boy scout vs. prick”): it’s much easier to identify with and become invested in the player character, because you bear at least some responsibility for all his actions. You’re not just guiding the character across maps or coaching him in fights – you’re shaping his morality and behavior, serving as his reason and conscience. The character becomes, in part, a persona of the player, and in the end it’s the story of both the character and the player guiding him.

        I do agree that I’d rather have an open sandbox or a great narrative rather than something that half-asses the two. But when you can get enough of both to mesh together well, the results are pure gold.

        And it’s the second-best thing for working folks who have a hard time scheduling free time with enough friends to wrangle up a real tabletop game.

  • MasterSeijin

    >:[ I would go on a tirade about threatening to hurt the families and loved ones of the Final Fantasy producers and developers, but that would be giving their malformed brains far too much credit to assume they would have the intelligence to understand that their loved ones are suffering. Rejecting that option I’d probably then rant about how I’d instead go ape shit and cannibalize them like a God damn werewolf, but I would sooner chug a 6-pack of stray cat urine before contaminating my gullet with their rotten retard meat.

    No. Instead I’m just going to visualize these cunts trapped in their offices as the Square Onix or what ever the fuck it’s called building goes up in roaring flames. Maybe that’ll help me sleep tonight.

  • Thomas Smith

    I remember me and a friend both bought a copy on launch day and we loved it all the way through our first playthroughs, then once we where done we tried to discuss and it was like a light switch doing on

    slowly over time we started to mention how more and more of it just doesn’t make sense

    i started a second playthrough a while after the first (in prep for XIII-2) and i realised not a moment of the game really makes sense

    it just stuff happens and then more stuff happens and then it ends

  • Green Fred

    I remember when I first played the game, I initially quit here too, though it wasn’t because of the big ridiculous plot twist reveal, or anything like that. It was because of the goddamn boss fight.

    In a game where a) if the character you control dies, it’s game over regardless of every other character is alive, b) the healer AI prioritizes healing everyone a little big rather than the player’s character a lot, and c) you have no control over where your characters move, then WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU MAKE A KEY PART OF WINNING A BOSS FIGHT AVOIDING BIG ASS LASERS THAT COVER TWO THIRDS OF THE BATTLEFIELD AND TAKE OFF LOADS OF HP PER HIT? Seriously, winning that fight takes sheer luck because the AI for the character you control just adores wandering into the obvious line of fire. Well, you could always play a Sentinel, I suppose, and sit on your ass the entire fight while the other characters fight it out. But that’s fucking boring, which is one thing boss fights should never be.

    • bloodshed113094

      Actually I just spent three hours on this boss fight for the first time and the key is to have Hope and Vanille with Lightning since you can’t change party leader until after the boss fight. You have The two aid characters buff, hinder, heal and you attack. It actually becomes insultingly easy after you destroy it’s four elemental wing heads and just becomes a grind. By far the most boring part of the game after the first 5 hour.

      • Green Fred

        I did it with Lightning, Fang, and Vanille. Vanille and Lightning basically were on healing for most of the fight, and when things were going well maybe have Lightning go into Ravager to help Fang’s Commando out. Did not make Lightning’s “oh, I’m just going to wander into the middle of the AOE attack now, lol” moments any less frustrating.

        • bloodshed113094

          Actually if Lightning is the attacker, the fight goes faster because of her elemental attacks and when she’s moving, she dodges more attacks, AOE or otherwise.

          • Green Fred

            The problem for me there is that the game Medic AI SUCKS. I’d rather be in control of it and let the fight go on for a bit longer than risk get myself killed because Vanille was busy being a derpasaurus (I personally made it a point to never use Hope if I could help it). But outside of that fight, yeah, Lightning is definitely one of the better fighters in the game.

            Either way, it’s nice to see different strategies for the same boss. :)

  • ScreamingDoom

    Thinking about it for a while… I don’t think those terrible statements by the game designers were wholly wrong.

    Hey, put the torches and pitchforks down! I have reasons!

    The central premise is still wrong, that it’s difficult to make a good story with a more open world. It’s not. At the very least, it’s exactly as difficult (you just make a Main Quest line that is completely linear and the player does it at his leisure). But it IS harder to make a consistent world when it’s open.

    Think about all those bits of art we see in the game. They’re basically nothing more than the equivalent of studio backdrops and matte paintings. If the player could INTERACT with them in any way — even just getting close — all of the sudden, the illusion of the world collapses.

    THAT is what is hard. An open world requires that the world itself is interactive. By placing things on a linear track, a designer can completely control all the assets so only those which have to actually do something are given the ability to interact.

    All those beautiful backgrounds that they spent three years having the art department render would have had to been dressed with interactions — VARIED interactions — if everything was more open to keep up the illusion of the game world.

    So, no. Telling a good story is not harder with open worlds. But creating a LIVING world IS.

    • Paul Ross

      I thought it was mainly about the fact that they are going on about how the critics were wrong to critisize the game even though the parade of scores that Spoony showed before hand were basically singing it’s praises.

    • Rowan Anderson

      So what about RPG’s with open worlds which do tell a story, like the Fallout series or Elder Scrolls? They manage to have an interactive world with many different plot threads running simultaneously. It isn’t something unachievable, it’s just, as you say, a difficult thing to make. So they seriously messed up when they made this game, which is why it’s such a disaster.

      I think that the problem with this game is that the designers had an idea that was too big for their budget, or that there were problems elsewhere. The way the game turned out was nothing like they advertised and the story makes little to no sense. Every FF before at least had a followable storyline and interactive maps, to an extent.

      • Robert Riter

        There is nothing wrong with linear games – even linear RPGs. Most shooters are heavily linear too.

        The problem is the game was previously an open world kind of thing, plus on top of that you have to design a linear game AS a linear game.

        If the maps were interesting with more branching paths and lots of stuff to explore, you could maintain linear story progression (by having the side areas not advance the plot) while still keeping people on “rails.” This is what pretty much every single linear game does.

        So no, I’m not opposed to the idea of a purposely linear RPG. I am however opposed to the idea of one that’s still trying to act like an open world RPG while taking “linear” to a whole new level.
        Take a game like Deus Ex: With the exception of a few branching paths and choices, the overall plot is linear, yet the player is still awarded tons of freedom in how they /play/. There’s a difference between linear stories and forcing people to play exactly the way you want them to.

  • theshamster

    It’s interesting how you quit midway. I’ve never played this game before and after reading other comments saying it was only halfway, I looked for this game on gamefaqs and looked up the “bosses”, and there sure are a lot of more to go.

    From what you showed us, I litteraly thought this Falci fellow WAS the final boss.

    • bloodshed113094

      Actually it’s not Spoony that did that. The game makes it feel like the last encounter. He even casts death clock like the Eidilons near the end of the battle. If I didn’t know the game basically starts getting good at 20 hours and that there was another disc left, I would have thought I was done.

      • Lina Jones

        Well, technically, Barthandelous IS the FInal Boss. And several boss fights prior to that.

        • bloodshed113094

          I’m not surprised. This game seems like the type to have the final boss appear multiple times just to be a dick.

          • Meghan Heath

            Play Final Fantasy X, dude… Seymour appeared so many damned times I wanted to go inside the game to kill him myself. God, he was annoying son of a bitch.

          • bloodshed113094

            Why would I play FFX when I know I’d hate the characters and story?

  • kallikanzarid

    The Insano bit was awesome! Did you film it in one take?

  • Carlos E. Ramos

    Isn’t a good thing that I quit playing Fail Fantasy 13 very earlier than Spoony did?

  • Norman Stillwell

    I am slightly supprised that Spoony did not mention the fact that in battle, if the character leading at the time dies the game is over, even if the two supporters are still up and ready.

    • bloodshed113094

      That’s because that’s in a lot of RPGs anyways. Although I do think he will in his next video if he notices it.

    • Jonesy89CFPD

      Baldur’s Gate says what?

      • Steve Banta

        Here’s the thing: Baldur’s Gate was actually a good game. The same cannot be said of this atrocity.

        • Jonesy89CFPD

          Still in the process of playing it for the first time, so I can’t officially speak as to the game’s quality yet, but it still annoyed me to no end to the point that I gave up on my squishy mage character after the kobolds in the mine started using him as target practice, restarting first as a cleric and later a paladin. Barring some compelling revelation that the PC can’t be brought back from the dead for plot reasons, it really doesn’t seem like a good design choice, no matter what the quality of the rest of the game is.

          • Rulke55

            Just have you mage character use ranged weaponry and give them a high dexterity and it should be perfect. Trust me it’s doable, mages can be the most powerful class in DnD, true fact.

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            I had maxed out Dex and given him a +1 sling, but all it takes is one successful to hit roll with a flaming arrow to take down a mage.

          • Rulke55

            Are you using buffing spells at all? You know to keep them alive?

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            Mostly relying on Sleep as a debuff and Magic missile in cases where it’s really important to not have any chance of missing, casting all other spells from excess scrolls we stumbled across.

          • Rulke55

            I will provide a tip, make a character who’s mage/thief and that way you can be a little stronger, but still cast spells.

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            If I ever get around to revisiting BG, I might do that; however, the plodding pacing of the game and the lack of any kind of investment in the story really left me cool as I gingerly walked my way everywhere lamenting the lack of a run feature. Pathfinding AI definitely got on my nerves after a while, especially when it got so bad that it resulted in party deaths.

          • Rulke55

            The Enhanced Edition may appeal to you more, but to be honest I am a bigger fan of Planescape: Torment what makes BG so awesome is the world and the lore built around it.

          • Patrick Coyle

            Would it spoil much to say that there is a plot reason?

            My first BG character was a mage and I didn’t have any frustration early on, though I can’t remember how I managed it. Have you tried deactivating the party formation so you can hold him back from the action?

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            I know that they are squishy, and I could deal with it if it weren’t for the fact that PC death meant game over. I look forward to seeing what the explanation is.

          • Jonesy89CFPD

            Ok, I give. I have yet to get any enjoyment out of the game that outweighs the mind numbing boredom of being able to only move at a leisurely stroll and frustration with the deaths that resulted from the crap pathfinding AI, so I caved in and read the wiki; not exactly sure how my heritage makes it impossible for my party members to drag me back to a temple for resurrection. Is there something I am missing?

  • bloodshed113094

    I spent the last week catching up to you because this game ruined JRPGs for me and I was wanting to give it a second try. To see you got this far before quitting in real life is amazing. I didn’t even make it to the Shiva Sisters on my first try. I don’t think it’s the worst game ever, but at best it’s sub-par.

    • Arrei

      Did the video turn you away from that second try?

      I hope so, it’d probably have just ruined everything for you all over again.

      • bloodshed113094

        Actually I had just beaten this boss when I posted and I’m still going strong. It’s not that bad and I actually grew to like Sazh and Snow. The only truly god awful part of the game was Hopes bitching and he stopped that about 5 hours ago.

  • Solstafir

    Great work on this one Spoony. Can’t wait for XIII-2 to start.

  • Joshua Jimenez

    The upgrading is actually quite simple: There are two types of components, organic(crossed fangs) and synthetic(Bolt). Organic components increase your multiplier but have lower EXP, Synthetic components offer high experience but decrease your multiplier. To upgrade a weapon to * you need around 30’000 EXP.

    to effectively upgrade a weapon, use organic components one by one until you reach X3 multiplier and then use 28’000-32’000 worth of EXP synthetic components at once.

    The difference with weapons are different ATK and MAG stats and certain abilities. For example, if you use Lightning’s falcon blade, you get quicker recharge. (especially if you combine it with accesoires that offer faster recharge too. Perfect to quickly increase staggering percents and do a lot of damage during staggering.)

    • Mitchell Bandes

      I know! I figured it out by myself after like thirty minutes! And that’s part of the fun of many Final Fantasy titles; to give you whole convoluted systems that you, the player, must untangle by discovering the underlying logic. VIII’s Junction System, IX’s Tetra Master Card Game, X’s Mix Limit Break, XII’s Gambit system (which is something like a programming minigame), and so on so forth.

      All of these things are fun, because you’re being challenged to solve a puzzle, and solving these puzzles makes you feel smart and accomplished.

      Seriously, Spoony, make up your damn mind. Do you want to be held by the hand the entire game, or do you want to be challenged?

      • Patrick Coyle

        I dunno… seems to me that in a genre that frequently pits plucky heroes against evil empires and dark gods, your greatest nemesis shouldn’t be the leveling system. After all, there’s a reason tabletop games put all the class, skill, feat, equipment, and spell information into the player’s rulebooks. You don’t want to be a player in a game that goes like this:

        Player: “Alright, I’m at level 4! I get +1 to an ability score, and a new barbarian rage power, right?”
        DM: “Yes, and based on your actions, I’ve decided to make that a +1 to Constitution and the howling rage power. But also you get one less skill rank this level.”
        Player: “Umm… why? And what if I want Dexterity next time?”
        DM: *whistles and twiddles thumbs*

        Then you get the RPG equivalent of the Yu-Gi-Oh! anime, where people are winning and losing games based on their ignorance about exactly how all the cards work. In any game, you should be struggling against your opponent, not the rules.

      • Rowan Anderson

        Well that’s fair enough if that was your experience. In all honesty I made some mistakes playing this game through the first time just because I had no idea what I was doing. It’s radically different from all other FF games and there is NO explanation as to how it works. In the first play through I actually ended up messing up so badly without knowing it that when I reached the middle of the game I actually had to start over again -_- and I’m not really that bad at games so that was an accomplishment for me.

        There’s a difference between a challenge and then guessing until you find what works. Even when I figured it out I still find it a teeth-grindingly boring way to level weapons and I have to agree with Spoony that the choice of weapons is also deceiving and isn’t clear without a guide to tell you which is the best to level up. Basically the whole game lends itself to being played with a strategy guide, which is a major flaw I’d say.

      • Robert Riter

        I don’t think asking for a single fucking pop up box explaining this is “hand holding.”

        Lots of games have complex systems, but they also include – gasp – at least a line explaining them.

        I suspect most people who “figured it out” did so with Gamefaqs.

  • ScutigeraColeoptrata

    Dr. Insano should consider a career with Nickelodeon.

    Anyway, I sadly have to agree with Spoony’s complaints; I honestly think there were flashes of brilliance in many aspects of Final Fantasy XIII’s story, gameplay and characters, but the final product was cut down heavily from the original concept. Nojima and Toriyama had originally conceived of a character-driven epic, with each of the 13 chapters revolving around a specific character’s journey. However, as the challenges of new technology kept pushing back the release, more and more cuts to this original idea were made, and the game’s extremely linear nature was due to explorable areas such as towns being cut for time and expense reasons. According to Toriyama, some of the content was even removed shortly before the game’s completion, which no doubt contributed to the disjointed nature of the story. The story of FF XIII’s development almost reminds me of Ultima 8’s; a brilliant concept that was sadly cut down for time.

    It’s really a shame, because you can tell that there was real passion and the desire to try new things in this game. I am glad that it has some fans who are willing to look past its issues, because even though I consider FF XIII to ultimately be one of the weaker entries in the franchise, the attempt to leave one’s comfort zone and experiment is praiseworthy, even if it doesn’t live up to expectations.

  • Jegsimmons


    Well i know my new favorite word, how about you guys?

    • sbkMulletMan

      It’s up there with “Cunt-Pickle” in my “expanded” vocabulary.

      Thank you, Penn Jillette for teaching me that wonderful phrase!

  • Mitchell Bandes

    So to recap the Crystarium rant:

    Spoony goes on and on about how FFXIII’s levelling system sucks because it puts artificial limits on how high you can go in each job, gives you almost no choices, and has absolutely no lasting consequences resulting from these choices.

    He then says that XIII-2’s leveling system is even worse, even though that game removes the artificial limits, requires more forward planning, and has consequences that last through to the entire game.

    • Rowan Anderson

      I don’t know, I guess you’ll have to wait and watch Spoony’s FFXIII-2 review when he makes it in order to see his argument about the Crystarium in that one. Seriously, talk about injecting you own views into someone else’s argument…

  • Michael Sporzynski

    I love the review, and especially I love the Dr. Insano segment.

    Regarding the plot – I did comment, in one of the previous parts of the review, about how I didn’t consider the story that bad, based on what Spoony is showing us. And then… they managed to do pretty much the ONLY thing I can imagine to completely break their own plot. Make the godlike beings able to talk. No, I mean it, it’s about the worst thing they could do. It’s not a stupid plot development, it literally invalidates everything that’d happened until that point (as Spoony rightly points out).

    Honestly, you have to try pretty hard to fuck up this badly. Up until that moment YES, the story was told very, very poorly, but its core premise made sense. And then it goes just right out of the window.

    I just don’t get it. There’s “bland characters, confusing storyline, bad game mechanics” bad, and then there’s “was one of the writers trying to sabotage the whole thing?” bad.

  • Pearse Hillock

    Check out the sucks blog, this video was a great funny one but it has some problems. Looking forward to whatever Spoony reviews next.

    • Adell

      lol really people? Why the hell does this stupid thing exist, do we have nothing better to do? Constructive criticism is one thing, but this is just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, unless it’s supposed to be a parody of some of the more idiotic “old-school” fans, in which case, kudos.

      • Pearse Hillock

        Constructive criticism is exactly what it is, Spoony has made mistakes when reviewing the game making it seem like he didn’t even play it or didn’t pay attention. Probably because Sean Fausz collected “additional gameplay” or most of it as I say.

        • Ben Stoddard

          The “Constructive
          Criticism” is little more than opinion based dribble with some of the
          driest and most repetitive blog writing I’ve ever seen. That’s to say nothing
          of its loads of spelling and grammar mistakes. For example, the sentence
          “Spoony makes a Ring Terror’s Realm joke in here saying that is is dallad
          jelly, nice reference.” Notice the word “is” shows up twice in a
          row – nice spell checking. The blog criticizes internet reviewers’ use of
          add-based video sites when often times, this is the main source of their

          what exactly is wrong with having additional gameplay footage from Sean Fausz,
          especially since he credited Sean? Stop with these baseless accusations of
          Spoony not playing the game. He played the game, it’s just that with his day
          job, he probably doesn’t have the time or patience to get all the gameplay
          footage he needs for all the points he wanted to touch upon. If he ripped off
          footage without giving credit (as the Irate Gamer has done), that would be a

          And if Spoony wasn’t exactly paying attention to the game while playing, I
          don’t blame him. The gameplay is essentially telling you that you don’t need to
          pay attention. Even with the difficult fights, most of them can be beat simply
          by tapping “X” repetitively, just by having a paradigm with at least
          one medic. I’m certainly not a multi-tasker, but I was easily able to watch
          several movies for the first time while playing this game, and I understood
          every plot point. That’s kind of the only way a sane, honest person can truly
          enjoy this game.

          There’s the pointless tangent on the Castlevania game going up in value since
          the AVGN’s review – what does that have to do with Spoony’s review? And why
          would someone prefer the PS1 version anyway – the Xbox version has shorter
          loading times, and you can get it on a disc collection with two other classic
          Konami games for less than the Xbox Live price (Konami Classics vol 1).

          Not to mention that the FF XIII part 4 blog post has more praise than
          criticism, this directly contradicts the blog’s name.

        • Ben Stoddard

          Ok, rather than further criticizing your blog post or questioning
          anything in your reply, I’ll just give you a friendly piece of advice.
          There are still at least six spelling/grammar mistakes in the FF13 part 4
          blog post alone. In the future, write the blog posts in Microsoft Word
          or something with an equally good spell check instead of relying on your
          browser’s spell check.

    • Mitchell Bandes

      Quiet, you.

    • Guest

      Do you think anyone is actually going to read your shitty blog? Go back to playing the worst FF in existence that nobody liked.

      • Pearse Hillock

        Oh no, not my blog, anything but that. Actually alot of people did like FF13 and it didn’t get high scores for nothing, if Spoony thinks FF13 is bad then he should play The Last Renament.

    • bloodshed113094

      Generic random insult. Troll-lol-ol-ol

  • Lina Jones

    You know despite having watched an entire Let’s Play of this, this review has inspired me to actually play the game. Least it’s hella cheap now.

  • avery cawley

    funny thing is, this is EXACTLY where i quit. i just got so confused, and bored.

  • Segatron

    “Ho Ho! Those stupid Westerners and their gaijin concepts of exploration, enjoyment, and discovery.”

    Heh, because as we all know, Planescape, Elder Scrolls and Fallout just don’t have any story at all.

    • Jesus Angel Garza

      I think their argument was more towards that those plots don’t have as a captivating story as their game supposedly has, rather than having one to begin with.

      And it would be a sound argument, if FFXIII’s story was good to begin with, or at least made sense.

      • Derek Thomas

        Elder scrolls is superior to Final Fantasy in literally every way.

        • Nic Payne

          Not V and VI. Those games are just too good.

          • Derek Thomas

            Ok, you got a point on VI. And V is good too. But other than those, Elder Scrolls beats it in every way.

        • BrokenChairs

          suddenly imagining a game that’s completely open world like elder scrolls set in a final fantasy world that also has a main story worthy of VI-IX.

          seriously, someone do this already.

      • Segatron

        good observation and counter-point

  • Zbyszek Malec

    IMHO it is your best work up until now. Most of your stuff is great, but part 1 and part 2 of your review of FFXIII is amazing. I wish you reviewed Terminator 4 in the same fashion, because your VLOG entry on this was kind of lame. There is so much stupidity in this movie, you could do wonders with it.

    On the unrelated note, did you consider accepting donations in Bitcoin? You don’t have to believe in it or think it is a viable alternative for a currency, but you could still make a buck of it. It is very easy to transfer funds between accounts and people could donate to you without using credit cards, paypals etc, it is much easier and straightforward.

  • Marlin Clock

    No Destructoid rating? They’re your allies here I’m pretty sure Sterling gave it a 4/10.

    • Robert Riter

      Probably why it was left off. 4/10 might be higher than it deserves but it’s still calling it crap.

      • Raphaël Boivin

        Yeah that’s the thing that bugs me: Sterling gave the game a 4/10 which, considering what I’ve seen from Spoony, was far more than it ever deserved. But then XIII-2 comes in and he gives it a very good score of 8/10 and explained in great detail what it did good to offset the many mistakes of its predecessor.

        But then I listen to Spoony bitching about the game before he’s even got the chance to review it and I see all the comments below saying how much worse than XIII the game actually is and it just confuses me. Jim Sterling always seemed like a very smart individual and although I’ve disagreed with some of the things he’s talked about on the Jimquisition, I do think he brings a LOT of good points. So why are the opinions so majorly different from person to person? I know everyone has differing opinions, but I’ve heard so many people praise this game, saying it’s much better than XIII and yet… Why? Please, someone tell me, I don’t understand.

  • Daniel Gilfillan

    I rage quit this game about 1.5 hours in. It’s like I could tell the kind of awful shitstorm I was in store for, and after the first long cutscene I was like “And then everybody lived happily ever after!” and returned the game. And I beat FF8 TWICE.

  • Paul Ross

    Stranbgly the point I got up to and quit was the bit where people say it got good, I just got hit with a bit more annoying crap around that time and just thought well that didn’t get any better I’m off.

  • _____

    my wife went all the way to the endgame, because everytime she played it she stopped for a month, came back, didn’t understand what the hell was going on, and finally, at orphans cradle said: “That’s it, I quit, the good part is now officially never coming”

  • Jonathan Luke Whittington

    Yoshinori Kitase clearly has been living in a box. There are PLENTY of ways you can keep an alluring story that still allows player freedom for the vast majority. You just need to know WHEN to throw in the proper section.
    Case in point: Twilight Princess (really minor *spoilers*)
    After the third dungeon is when things suddenly shift and freedom is taken away for a brief period to allow the story to evolve in a specific way. And after an hour or so of completing that segment, the game opens back up. And it STILL makes sense that you’re no longer being rushed at that point too.
    And how long ago did that game come out before Final Fantasy XIII?

  • Kevin Werges

    Ha! Spoony quit at the EXACT same place I quit this natural disaster of a game. I don’t know what was with the critics, but I’d say if someone wanted to make a compelling argument that they rate games to keep publishers happy, this was it. Albeit, I quit largely due to not wanting to listen to Hope and the space alien Vaniel anymore and less because the game plot just caved in.

    • BrokenChairs

      diablo 3 proves that beyond a doubt

      • Robert Riter

        Diablo 3 wasn’t an awful game. It was an awful Diablo game, yes, but fun for what it is. It was the Terminator 3 of the franchise.

        If you want a real Diablo 3, though, go check out Path of Exile. Free 2 Play and easily the best Diablo since Diablo 2.

        • BrokenChairs

          yep already onto POE, dig it.

          though i was referring more to the obviously bought-out reviews. pay2win games with a saturday morning cartoon storyline aren’t worth 9.5, sorry IGN.

  • David Bell

    Ironically enough that is the exact place I ended up giving up. I came to the conclusion that ya know, I could be playing something I enjoy. Not something I have an issue with every single freaking step of the way. Spoony be careful man, 13 two is something of evil that cannot be put into words. Well yes it can, your first lines coming is…What the fuck is this, what the fuck is that. Well looking forward to the next review.

  • Stephen Martin

    That always bothered me about Robocop. Why the fuck was ED209’s weapons actually loaded in their corporate headquarters for a demonstration of his basic interface? I mean, yeah, the guy dying was a big problem with the programming but that can be fixed. The real incompetence was the giant robot’s weapons were loaded.

    • Adam Pupil

      Because not all corporations are run by smart people. Like Square-Enix.

      • Aschthebloody

        what corporation is run by smart people? i don’t know of any, not really.

        • Lina Jones

          Funny how that works. Makes you wonder how they became a corporation in the first place.

          • RobinAdams78

            Once a corporation starts to go downhill, the smart people who built it up all leave (often to start new companies), leaving only dumb people behind.

          • Lina Jones

            That’s what they get for selling it to be diced up by shareholders. :P

  • Brian Cole

    The most frustrating part of that quote at the end, saying the kind of linear story that Square-Enix wants to tell not being appealing to western audiences, is that they were able to do it just fine before! The Chrono Trigger, Secret of Mana, Super Mario RPG, Final Fantasy series in the ’90s (with the exception of FFVI’s endgame, which was about as sandbox as Final Fantasy has ever been to its own detriment IMO) all had very linear stories, were very well received by RPG fans in the west, and also managed to NOT be a corridor-fest with little to no options for exploration or side-questing. They had a balance that newer Square-Enix games just don’t have.

    I think Yahtzee Crowshaw said best when he said Square-Enix just wants to make films. How many more gameplay elements do they have to remove before we take a hint.

    • Sfr528

      I am confused by your statement of Final Fantasy VI’s endgame. By detriment do you mean because it was done so well that nothing could compare to its brilliance? I can say, without hyperbole, that Final Fantasy VI’s endgame is probably my favorite of all the RPG’s I’ve played.

      I haven’t honestly flat out hated a Final Fantasy up until Final Fantasy XIII. Final Fantasy VIII had moments that were fantastic, and the music was amazing as always. Final Fantasy X, despite having some really awkward moments, was still a game that I wanted to see through till the end. Final Fantasy XII gets much hate, but I found it to be a strong game that I enjoyed thoroughly. So, what happened with Final Fantasy XIII… it blows my mind that a game that was in development for as long as it was turned out so poor. Final Fantasy XIII-2 is even worse… I played that game for about an hour before I lost it with the stupendously retarded poses the characters pulled… it all felt so over the top that I called bull and returned it that same day….

      I honestly have no idea what even compelled me to try XIII-2… maybe I’m still delusional, hoping beyond all common sense that Square can pull out another amazing Final Fantasy.

      • Kieran Smith

        I resent that the quote implies that an open world game can’t tell a good story. Dark Souls has a great story and is one of the most open games ever. The idea that you have to lead players by the nose to every plot point so they don’t miss your genius is insulting to them and embarrassing for you, especially when it turns out you lack any genius at all. Hell, the first FF game was a huge sandbox and it had a decent story; not complex, but you got it with no trouble. If you’re story is good and well structured, people will go looking for the elements in the sandbox, saving you some stupidity and making them feel good in the process.

        • Binku Muja

          Well said!!

          I’m getting pretty sick of game developers treating their long time fans like lobotomised chimps with physical impairments as an excuse for their extreme laziness. When in reality they are switching their target demographic to the pants shitting bastards who think playing a five minute game of solitair every other week on an android phone makes them and I quote-‘hardcore gamers’.

          It’s been pretty obvious for a while now that SE are only interested in making movies, not games. I’ve been keeping well away from any flagship SE title and from the look of 13-3, that isn’t about to change.

      • Brian Cole

        My comment about FFVI is difficult to go into. I feel I’d need to make my own video review (which I may) to explain. It comes down to the fact that once you go to the World of Ruin, the plot stops. You spend a small amount of time traveling around this broken world, which is VERY cool, by the way. Don’t get me wrong, I love the IDEA of the World of Ruin. It’s just… you get the airship soon after and the game suddenly becomes a sandbox and a grind-fest. You hop around, going from place to place finding lost party members and treasures, as well as trying to level up against absurdly hard monsters. It’s not even the challenge that gets to me, it’s just so boring…. If you were go to a friend who hadn’t played FFVI, but he wanted to know the whole store, spoilers and all, you could give him all kinds of rich detail, starting from the beginning with the Returners, about the Emperor and Magicite, and the Espers, about Kefka and what a bastard he is… then you’d get to the part when Kefka moves the statues and destroys the world, and you can pretty much wrap it up with: “And then Celis wakes up on an island with Cid, travels around this post-apocalyptic fantasy world (which is awesome, btw), finds her friends and they go kick Kefka’s ass! The End.” Sure, you can throw in some details about how you found Locke in a cave looking for a phoenix feather to revive his comatose gf, or how Relm is stuck in some house painting for this big-fat-fuck, or that there’s a sandworm from doom that sucks you into a pocket dimension with a weird mime who contributes nothing to the plot. It just lost all it’s momentum it had from the World of Balance. Even the characters lost their personalities and had nothing interesting to say about most things you encounter

        One theory I have is maybe you’re supposed to view the adventure from a more chaotic perspective since Kefka pretty much turned himself into a god of chaos, and I suppose that works. But in practice, it took me months and months to finish because I had no desire to grind and grind and in general play a game that had become all the least fun parts of a JRPG (Active-time combat, grinding), with few of the most fun (story driven adventure, fun and interesting character interactions, scaled difficulty).

        I may not be making my point clear, or I may have opened myself up for some serious backlash FFVI being the last undisputed ‘good’ Final Fantasy game. I’ve felt this way since the game came out, and I tried playing again recently to see how it went, telling myself I wouldn’t let WOR get to me, and the last time I turned it on months ago I was in the phoenix cave. Oh well.

  • Das_Bass

    I kept with it a bit longer, but I’m happy I quit.

  • jason nightmare

    I went to the final fantasy 13 through with a big disappointment
    somehow feel like they do not care about Square Enix Final Fantasy Still it makes such fans to buy was bad or not

  • Brett

    I get the feeling that the “ragequit” at the end is the story driven aspect of these reviews cropping back up. My guess is that the experiment, whatever it is, hinges on him finishing all his reviews, or it’s lights out for… the world? maybe? And with the new note at the bottom of the video, it seems likely he’ll come back to finish it in due time.

  • Komachi Onozuka

    Worst story? Spoony finds it worst than Ultima 9’s story? Shit, I’d hate to imagine the rest of FFXIII.

    It probably involves Lighting and Snow finding Dupre in a crystal and he somehow gets out of it for no reason and he thanks them because their actions allowed him to get out.

    • Adam Pupil

      Not sure if you haven’t played the game, or that was a very good joke.

    • Martin Markov

      It’s hard to believe I know. Just another reason why I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

    • Tyghost

      Change a few names here and there, and that’s what happens in the ending of the game.

  • yepi2

    It is very meaningful for me. the clip is interesting and funny. excellent. thank you

  • Burn Ender

    Man, Square Enix really hit bottom, I have to agree with Spoony, FF13 is probably the worst written RPG I ever personally played. The writing is worse than Chris Metzen writing for all Blizzard games. The entire story in 13 is terrible, When I first played 13, I couldn’t believe I was playing a game made by SE. I mean sure, other FF games in the past had story blunders and “what the hell, that makes no sense moments” The entire FF13 game felt like that, nothing added up, at all.

    I almost felt like 13 was made just because they SE had a quota to fulfill for an FF title. The game was bad, It was so bad I refused to even play 13-2, even when a friend said I could have the game.

    • Adam Pupil

      Well, XIII-2 is far worse, and I’m going to guess that XIII-3 is going to suck too. But, like Spoony mentioned in a previous FF review, he and many others are plagued with an addiction to buy and play every FF game that comes out. All we can hope is that FFXIV won’t suck and that FFversusXIII comes out soon and won’t suck either. I myself find FF XIII to be a guilty pleasure XD Call me crazy or stupid if you will. Square has hit rock bottom now, but some of us do pray that they can get back up and hopefully live up to the greatness they once had. And the best way they should do this is by, of course, listen to the crowd and make FFVII remastered. Everyone will buy it; even if the price is $100, people will buy it.

      • BrokenChairs

        wait, is XIII-3 an actual thing? dear god, think of the children square-enix…

        • Adam Pupil

          It was announced at the beginning of the year…… and at the end of XIII-2. And it’s coming out this year.

          • BrokenChairs


      • Burn Ender

        I’m in the BETA for FFXIV 2.0, I might get in trouble posting it but in this version of BETA, it is just basically a WoW clone, a less polished one at that. I think WoW has better gameplay, more fluid as well. I am still interested in Versus 13, A realm reborn 14, 2.0, not so much.

        • Adam Pupil

          Typo. I meant to write FFXV. They announced it awhile back and had a trailer for it.

  • Jamie Sheil

    can’t wait for the FF XIII-2 review. That game is still sitting on my shelf unfinished, I shudder every time I look at it. I feel violated by that game, because it kind of lured me in with promises of less linearity, monster catching and overall more involving gameplay, and maybe the story would have a chance to fix itself?

    It’s just so bad though. So freaking bad. I stopped playing when I got to the amusement park only to find that the only minigame there was a freaking slot machine, and then something else that was locked for “future downloadable content”. I turned off my playstation there and honestly stopped playing ps3 games for a long time afterwards. And it runs like crap too, the framerate drops all the time in busier areas like the sunleth waterscape. Say what you want about FF XIII, at least that game had completely smooth framerate throughout. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it was using the same engine, why couldn’t it render the same things? ridiculous.

    • bloodshed113094

      Because the first game did get bogged down in busy areas, especially the theme park level and Gran Pulse field.

    • Andrew DeCaire

      The tragic thing is… I love Moogles and always wondered what Moogles sounded like voiced. Only two games have Moogles with voices. 13-2 and Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo’s Dungeon. So I am really intrigued to play 13-2 because it’s a freaking talking moogle! But on the other hand, that’s not worth it. (And no, the Tactics Advanced Audio Drama doesn’t count 1- It’s a recording not a game 2- If they don’t bother to translate it into English I couldn’t care less about it)

  • ToriyamaHater

    I’m hardcore FF fan and I hate XIII soo much. But, man FFXIII-2 storyline is much MUCH worse. Toriyama just stole some nice moments from other Final Fantasies like this:

    • Martin Markov

      Come to think about it, that’s not the only thing, Toriyama stole from seven, The Fal’Cie are basically Jenova, the Sanctum is Shinra, NORA are AVALANCHE, Lightning is basically a gender swapped hybrid of Cloud and Cid, Snow is a white version of Barret, Hope is a teenage Cloud, there is (thankfully) no version of Sephiroth in 13 yet but (since I don’t know anything about 13-2) that could change. And the Fal’cie’s plot t awaken Ragnarok a the cost of humanity smacks a little too much of Sephiroth’s plan to absorb the lifestream and become a god (also at the cost of humanity). I think Toriyama’s thought process is similar to whomever wrote the Modern Warfare sequels, ripping off the original because it did so well. Except he’s not even ripping off the best in the series.

      • Lina Jones

        Huh, I didn’t equate the Fal’Cie to Jenova, but I can see it. Especially given the “infusion” of Fal’Cie power enhances the characters the same way Jenova cells enhanced the Soldiers.

        Actually, I’d closer equate Lightning to Squall, but that’s just me.

        I guess Sazh is the Cait Sith? :P

        Still, one can make comparisons all day, I suppose.

        • Daniel Draper

          Yea, at this point Squenix is just cash-cowing, rehashing and fanservicing(FF:AC) their new Final Fantasies. It has essentially become the equivalent of a sub-culture – none of it makes any sense, but fans just keep opening up for this diarrhrea that they keep shoveling. FF has become shovel-ware – everything that a Final Fantasy game would have, except its not really Final Fantasy.

      • Patrick Coyle

        Sorry for the bad news, but Caius Ballad in XIII-2 is totally Sephiroth with the Soul Edge. In the opening cutscene, we even see that he’s become Lightning’s arch-nemesis, summons meteors, and lays a dead girl’s body into water like Cloud did with Aeris.

        HIs plan is more like Ultimecia’s though – something to do with messing in different points in time to make the timestream collapse so this one girl doesn’t have to die. I don’t remember it clearly, but I do recall that it seemed poorly thought out.

        But we should have expected this ever since they first revealed Lightning’s character design. Not only did the developers admit that she was explicitly meant to be a “girl Cloud,” they seemed proud of it, like it was some masterstroke of creativity.

        • ToriyamaHater

          Mix all this with stupid plot from FF13, add downloadable bikini costume for female character and GAY-OCTOPUS ( Congratulations, you’ve got sequel to the BEST FINAL FANTASY EVAH.

          I Hate Toriyama, he raped all my memories…

        • Martin Markov

          FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You see this is why these games suck, because they’re trying too hard to be like seven, but the problem is that (and please don’t kill me for saying this) seven’s plot was kinda stupid. Don’t get me wrong it was still a good plot and the characters were solid, but there were a few plot points that didn’t make much sense to me. The end result is ripping off the most popular elements and doing them worse because they don’t get what made them good to begin with. Coupled with the need to have and art department bigger than the entire staff of Valve Software and Irrational Games combined, resulting in hundreds of admittedly varied but disjointed locales destroying all sense of location, and retarded critics that keep praising them just because it’s Final Fantasy, further compounded by their inability to grasp the very concept of an RPG and shunning whatever actual criticism comes their way as “western thinking” (as that is not racist/xenophobic at all) is guaranteed to make a world class shitstorm known as the next Final Fantasy game. Unless someone with actual writing talent takes over fires 90% of the art department, and completely revamps the combat.

      • thegodemperor

        People are just NOW realizing FFXIII has a lot of rehash of FFVII? lol.

  • Lina Jones

    Okay, I’m not gunna lie. I like this game. Even after watching the whole Let’s Play and watching Spoony’s review, I guess because I’ve got a large understanding of the game, I’m able to look past it’s flaws and enjoy the stuff I already liked, as well as they stuff I hadn’t actually gotten to try yet.

    Totally worth the $15.

    On the other hand, I’m wary of FFXIII-2. It looks to be for XIII what X-2 was for X.

    • Chris Lincoln

      I really enjoyed it as well. I, too, can look past the bad stuff. The one complaint I hear a lot is that the battles play themselves, but I always took a very active role in battles and found them to be a lot of fun.

      • Lina Jones

        Yeah, it’s actually a very interesting battle system. It doesn’t actually play itself quite as much as people think, (although forcing all but one party member to be AI assist it rather annoying). It’s just very different, but you do have to be on your toes. In some ways, it’s even more involving than the old ATB system, since here you can/have to set up your attack chains in advance.

        And, the Chrysarium… probably isn’t the best presented way to do the level up progression, but I can see where they are going with it, and I don’t think it’s as flawed as Spoony says. Yes, it seems dumb to just force you to hold a button to reach new increments, but the idea is to let you gradually level your stats as you go, rather than have to grind and then get a cluster of them all at once. I like the idea in practice, and I liked it’s use in FFX, but I admit it would probably work a little better if it was slightly more customizable. Instead of forcing you to level up on a rail roaded track, if you could pick and choose what to increase in certain categories, even just up to a point, might have been a better implementation. Still, works fine enough as is.

        • Robert Riter

          The point is it took every bit of control away from you. I am absolutely convinced that you could train a Dolphin to play FF13 to completion because it’s autopilot.

          It’s like if you took Path of Exile’s skill system, then drew a line through it, then limited level progression until you beat bosses.

          That’s not presentation, that’s just “lots of flashy eye candy” to distract you from the fact you’re not actually doing anything. It’s the equivalent of shaking keys for a baby.

          • Lina Jones

            Not EVERY bit of control. You can still chose to not push that X button! :P

      • thegodemperor

        The people who complained about the battle systems are the idiots who always used auto battle. Those people are like idiots who choose easy mode in a game and then bitch the game is too easy. No shit it’s easy, you chose the easy way to play.

  • BrokenChairs

    i just don’t understand how square’s gotten it so wrong since X, when they did everything before it so fucking well.

    SURELY, after all the amazing games they’ve written they know how to write a good story, SURELY they know how to write engaging and emotive dialogue that makes me give a shit about the characters? apparently not. even the gameplay went backwards – i personally really enjoyed the gameplay and “openness” in XII, sure the story was atrocious and the characters meant absolutely nothing to me, but somehow i had a blast just killing shit and doing the hunts.

    also why do their games now need sequels? stop treating your fans like idiots and trying to cash in on your behemoth of a cash-cow franchise and make a game worth buying, all it’s doing is ruining your legacy.

    • Lina Jones

      On the one hand, it’s nice to revisit stuff sometimes. On the other hand, that’s what Kingdom Hearts and Dissidia and fan fiction is for.

      I can only guess changing times and changing creative teams and the need to innovate to a degree that isn’t called has warped the vision to a degree.

    • kamrom dechu

      Square? Oh you mean Square Enix? The company which does not include Hironobu Sakaguchi?

      Its because the people who made the series until X no longer work for Square Enix. They did not retain the rights to it after the merger. So the people who are making final fantasy games have very little in common with the people who used to.

      Square is dead. Final Fantasy is dying, slowly and painfully.

      • BrokenChairs

        sure people come and go, but you’d assume there would be some organisational knowledge retained, i’m not sure what the team composition is currently but there are some familiar names still.

        though my main point was they know what was successful, they know what fans loved because they already have the blueprint from previous games. hire people who can write something not-shit.

  • BrokenChairs

    also great review as per usual spoono

  • Patrick Coyle

    I’m starting to think that the weapon leveling system and Eidolon fights in this game and the variable-node Crystarium in XIII-2 were just gimmicks to sell strategy guides. They needed to throw in some pointless complication like the complete bullshit in X-2’s 100% completion, but couldn’t just do that again because XIII’s gameplay style doesn’t allow variance.

    In fact, I’d call the Eidolons double-bullshit. With Snow, you have to defend the whole fight, but as far as I can tell, there’s no trick to the others, even though the game keeps insisting there is. When I tried helping my niece figure out what to do with Lightning’s and Sazh’s, the only thing that worked was fighting them normally, and from what I’ve seen of fights with the rest, it’s the same with them too.

    • Kajitani-Eizan

      I dunno, the game outright tells you that *defensive roles* are more effective and that you should try using *Libra* if you’re not sure. In specially colored, emphasized tutorial popup text. You can even see it in the review (Part 3, I think). Sure, it’s kind of bullshit, but how about Cecil’s trial battle on Mt. Ordeals? How exactly were you supposed to know to defend every turn?!?

      • Thramkalith

        It’s funny you bring up the Mt. Ordeals trial because I was talking to one of my friends not too long ago about how, by comparison to just a thing flashing up saying “Defending is effective,” the trial at Mt. Ordeals was, in theory, about Cecil purging and giving up the violent and dark powers he had taken up and wielded for his country so he could finish redeeming himself spiritually and psychologically so he could then go and correct those mistakes he made. Obviously he’s not going to be able to move past his previous violent actions by just resorting to violence (For all that, as the Dark Knight does have finite HP, it is actually possible to win that way, though impractical), more to the point, if you DO attack the Dark Knight the text “A True Paladin will sheathe his sword” will pop up, more advice from the spirit of the mountain as it were, telling you to stop drawing your sword and attacking with it. Which honestly feels more to the point than just saying that defending is “effective,” as, just because one particular tactic is stated to be effective, that doesn’t mean that all other tactics are invalid, but apparently they are.

        TL; DR: Basically, one game inserts 4th wall breaking text to tell you that, you know, defending is useful, and the other game has an in character voice tell you to sheathe your sword. One of them just suggests you defend, the other one straight up tells you to stop attacking. I don’t see how you complain about the second one.

        • Kajitani-Eizan

          I assume that’s the GBA or DS version translation, as I’m pretty sure the original game’s translation was much more obtuse about it.

          That said, my point was not to knock the Paladin trial, as I thought it was brilliant and symbolic, but to show the depths to which you have to sink to seriously criticize this. It’s thematically appropriate for Snow, since he is all about PROTECTING his girlfriend SERAAAHHHH all the time, and his best/key role is Sentinel (tank). Obviously it’s not nearly as profound as Cecil’s trial, but there is some vague story/mechanics relation and the game does outright tell you both how to win and *how to find out* how to win, in case you somehow missed the first one. In case you missed it twice or decided to not follow the advice proffered, it’s easy to retry. How much more handholding can you reasonably expect?

          • Thramkalith

            I will admit that it’s possible it’s later versions that have that memo, I spent some time hunting through gameplay footage to be sure, and while basically all of the gameplay footage I could find where the person actually attacked the Dark Knight displayed the message, I couldn’t find anyone specifically citing themselves as playing the NES port, so it’s possible that initial version didn’t have it. Though I do know that original version had much lower Dark Knight HP making defeating it through direct combat much easier (albeit still impractical).

            Also, I’m not sure saying that it’s “Sinking to depths” when Spoony quite directly described, “Okay, given that I assumed I was supposed to use block/sentinel to tank their attacks and then counter attack” as he was told that blocking was effective. Not mandatory. Effective. That seems a very reasonable thought process given the information available, especially given that, like the Mt. Ordeals fight, it is the only time in the game ever that I’m aware of that you can with the battle without fighting back at all, and calling it an expectation for handholding when the entire thought processes has been laid out feels relatively unfair. Even if you feel that it isn’t that hard to figure out, Spoony is dealing with his personal experience and frustrations, and laying it all on the table, both what frustrated him and the why of it. Also, just technically for the Mt. Ordeals trial, you were allowed to do anything so long as it wasn’t attack, I believe. Though that’s probably nit picking.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            According to the Enemy Guide on GameFAQs, this is what you get when you Libra them:

            Note 1: Yields to those who amass chain bonuses.
            Note 2: Yields to those who defend against and endure attacks.
            Note 3: Cannot be provoked.

            Assuming this is correct, there is nothing unfair about this. It clearly tells you what works and what doesn’t. If Spoony spent most of his attacking time as a Commando, well, that explains why he lost — he didn’t read the information presented to him. That, or he didn’t understand what “chain bonuses” means or which role would be best at amassing them (another failure to read information presented to him, as the game presents a short sentence describing what a role does every time you go to switch roles/paradigms). Or, he failed to switch to Sentinel and use Steelguard to tank the attacks in a timely fashion, thereby missing out on those opportunities to raise the gauge. This last possibility would simply be a question of mechanical skill.

          • Thramkalith

            I’ll admit, I haven’t played FFXIII so the meaning of Note #1 and Note #3 within the context of the game is not apparent to me so I honestly have no way to ascertain if there could be any potential alternative interpretations there. The only real thing I can say in regard to this in particular is that I can, at least, understand the thought process of, given the context “I’m supposed to impress these adversaries with my power” how one would think that standing there and just blocking, especially when given a time limit, would be the wrong answer even if there are other elements of the situation that indicate that that is the correct answer. A gameplay/story disconnect sort of thing. But, again, without actually playing through it myself I have only what you and Spoony have said to go on so I will admy my advocacy is a bit limited when we draw the discourse out this long and to this much precise detail.

          • Kajitani-Eizan

            To explain a bit, FFXIII (and XIII-2) have a battle system based on what I heard was the original idea for FF3 DS… a central feature of the battle system is the “chain gauge”. Each enemy has a chain gauge that starts at 100% and has a specific maximum limit. As the chain gauge rises, the amount of damage you do to the enemy increases (e.g., at 150%, you do 50% more damage). However, the gauge also empties over time and if it runs out fully, it resets back to 100%, which is something you usually want to avoid. The 6 roles you can switch between in the game are as follows:
            Commando – Does tons of damage, extends the time you have on the chain gauge before it resets (chain maintenance)
            Ravager – Does somewhat less elemental damage, drives up the chain gauge quickly (chain bonuses)
            Sentinel – Tanks damage for your other team members
            Synergist – Casts buffs on your party
            Saboteur – Casts debuffs on the enemies (and also does minor damage, chain bonus, and chain extension)
            Medic – Heals your party
            By default, Snow only has Commando, Ravager, and Sentinel available.

            The 3rd note indicates the Shiva sisters can’t be Provoked, which is a status effect inflicted using the Sentinel’s Provoke ability that draws enemies’ attacks away from your teammates and to the user. Since this is a single-person battle, it’s pointless anyway, since you have no teammates to cover. The 1st note is basically telling you to use the Ravager role, just like the 2nd note is telling you to use the Sentinel role. I am not totally sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you can win the battle without using Sentinel simply by using Ravager, the role that is focused on amassing chain bonuses. I am fairly positive that you can’t win if you spend a large portion of your time attacking as a Commando, because the game tells you what actions are going to impress the Shiva sisters, and doing tons of damage isn’t one of them.

  • Chris Lincoln

    Some of the minor problems, to me, seem to stem from the game being very aware that it’s a game. The save points/shops and the treasure balls really feel like someone said “It’s a game, just throw in a thingy.” Why couldn’t they have futuristic treasure chests sitting on the ground, or things hidden in bushes or trashcans like so many other games? And why not get creative with the save points? In Anachronox the save points are little creatures that exist across time that record your presence when you touch them.

    • Godmars

      Has to do with not having story writers. Something they stopped doing since FF7 I believe.

      Extra Credit once went into how games aren’t and shouldn’t be built around story because it could drastically hinder development, but Square seems to have taken such extreme.

  • ToriyamaHater

    And I’m not gay hater or something like that. I just think that GAY-OCTOPUS in FINAL FANTASY is GOING TOO FAR WITH STUPIDITY.

    • BrokenChairs

      “i don’t hate gays, some of my best friends are gay, i just don’t want them living in my neighbourhood”

  • Danny Monien

    i played for 3 hours and i quit because i was annoyed and bored.never did any other FF game got me to this point not even X or X-2 and by god i hate them but X atleast got nice bosses and side stuff to do and the part when you were free to go everywhere using the airship was teh best part i hunted monsters,killed black GF´s and fucked around in the ultima dungeon way better than the main storyline but this game has nothing it just one huge cutscene with a little walking here and there

  • TrashMan

    Another great and hillarious review Spoony.
    And another new asshole created for another horrible game.

  • korruption

    FFXIII’s plot in one sentence: I just don’t give a fuck’Cie.

  • nrrork

    It’s funny, Chrono Cross did something similar in that you could only gain stats after so many fights and then had to reach a new growth level by fighting bosses, but it WORKED there, it was still kept simple and paced way better.

    • Tyghost

      To add to that, the number of boss battle starts you had was your level. You did not need to micromanage the stats, they were already given to you once you beat a boss. Also, because of that, you don’t have to fight any of the common enemies unless you are looking for money, a specific item drop or very rare elements. Speaking of Elements, those formed your magic abilities, and you could customize it into the slots any way they fit. Chrono Cross gave you the freedom to choose your battles, when you fought them (the only game where you can run away from a boss battle that I’ve seen), and how to prepare for them. All of these choices were available without bogging down the game like FFXIII.

  • ACfan52

    You know you’re right Square Enix, Western RPGs are too open about letting us out and about. I mean Eastern RPGs CERTAINLY proved that doesn’t work when you made open ended games like Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasies 1-6, Earthbound, Xenogears, Star Ocean or Breath of Fire…I mean my god, I actually have to make my own choices, take my own paths AND get a great story? BLASPHEMY!!

    Thank you Spoony, you make something I otherwise hate and despise hilarious and enjoyable.

  • Burn Ender

    I can’t wait to see Spoony’s rage when he finds out you have to beat the game in order to fully unlock the crystarium, LOL.

    • Kajitani-Eizan

      I thought that part was brilliant, though. The final boss battle was basically just a victory lap, and unlocking your hax powers, representing how much you’ve grown, by beating him, was a pretty nice touch.

  • Joana Eme

    Hate me all you want, I’m not here trying to make you like XIII, just like you’re not going to make me hate it. I just want to make one thing clear: Atomic little or not, there IS strategy in XIII!

    Various weapons – Spoony said “oh, but since I leveled up my current one, it doesn’t matter”. If you took the time to learn how the characters worked, you would give those weapons a second thought (plus their passive abilities). For example, even though I leveled up Vanille’s current weapon, once I got a weapon that focused more on magic, I started updating that one.

    Planning the team and paradigms – from the leader to the other 2 party members. The characters don’t have all the same abilities (Curasa for example), neither status. For battles like the Gigantuar, Adamantoise, you actually have to plan ahead, first.

    Battle mode – How did previous FF worked during battle? Wasn’t it also just pressing “X”? (I’m serious, I really want to know). In XIII, I find myself pressing “Triangle” a lot to make the battles faster, “O” when the enemies get their status ailments, and “L1” for constant paradigm shifts. Again, for battles like Adamantoise, to finish it off quickly, Vanille has a spell called “Death”, that doesn’t come in Auto-battle. Also, if you don’t like Auto-battle, there’s an option just under it, which allows you to fight for yourself.

    Weapon upgrade system – You had to figure out which components increased multiplier, the ones that decreased it, and how to make the most of that. I don’t know about you, but this still requires brain usage, and seeing Spoony complain about it makes him contradict himself.

    Crystarium – Ok, you couldn’t choose abilities over HP, but you still could decide which role to level up, and sort of plan which abilities you wanted to get, first. The only thing I agreed in this video, was that the Crystarium in XIII-2 was horrible. Besides being ugly, it still confuses me.

    I have better subjects of complaint:
    1- Eidolons are 95% useless!
    2 – Lack of looting, both Gil and components

    • Lina Jones

      Yeah, most JRPG combat revolves around selecting things from lists and pressing X (or A) a lot. On occasion there might be an alternate button mechanic for the super moves. The battle system in XIII is definitely different, but active in it’s own way. Sure, plenty of “mook” battles against random monsters/soldiers are easy enough to just let play out on auto, but some of them keep you on your toes, and boss battles you have to be careful with timing and selection.

      • Joana Eme

        Thank you for answering. =)

    • Sean Hood

      Well I would say that is the case for older JRPG’s and ones that just
      don’t get that this is a current age of coming and you need to update
      this stuff!

      I will agree and I have played FF 13 all the way
      through…That you do have to keep in mind of the parparadigms for boss
      battles. However that’s really about it. It’s kinda like asking to
      remember to heal yourself in any RPG or to have strategy.

      have evolved to a more fluid combat in a lot of ways and that make you
      try and think. Their aren’t just too many of them left. Look at anything
      Atlus makes for good examples.

      Persona 4 comes to
      mind. The combat is set up with those button bushes of selecting,
      attack, or a special ability. However every enemy is unqiue and has
      different ways of fighting them. You can knock them onto their ass with
      their weakness and have your entire team bum rush them if all the
      enemies your fighting are on their ass, or you can choose to just attack
      them again, hopefully with the same element to stun them for a turn.

      That also applies to your party as well as each member has their own elemental weakness that you have to keep track of.

      Summoner for the game boy is also built like a traditional JRPG. Though
      the fun part about that is that you get to customize your characters
      load up. With thee skills, three passive skills like HP UP, higher fire
      damage, and then one autoskill. You also fuse together demons to create
      more powerful demons with different abilites to form teams.

      their’s Growlancer another current sort of PS2 Atlus game, that was an
      RPG. However the combat was sort of RTS. With a map and enemies on the
      board that you can use the moutains, logs, or trees to help make chock
      points to lure your enemies into.

      I do agree with
      Spoony JRPG’s do need to evolve. I’m all for that. Atlus is doing a good
      job, however Square Enix just doesn’t get it at all it seems anymore. I
      mean look at those ending comments by the creators. Unless we put it
      into a hallway… we can’t tell a good story. Umm no, no, no, no. I mean
      we could point to all the previous FF games to show how wrong that is!
      Even for the bad ones of the area.

      I mean even going
      beyond that, can we say we had good stories told with Fall out 3 or
      Skyrim and those are the most open ended RPG’s I know! Oh and of course
      Ultima 4 is another good example of having such an open ended experince
      and yet a good story!

      That’s the problem with 13
      most of all. The combat is well weak yes, very, the leveling is worse,
      but it’s the story, which is so key to a FF game. It’s what we enjoy I
      think. I mean even 1 and 2 had a good story… for the time. It’s just
      ugh…Anyway back to the point.

      Older and just lazy
      JRPG’s of today have that one click for attack and then spells. Good
      JRPG’s of today though do try and vary it quite a bit so it’s just not

      • Joana Eme

        Thank you so much for your time, and answer. =) That does sound a lot more entertaining, than just giving single commands.

        I have a game (from 2002 if that’s relevant) that uses the JRPG formula, and the combat system was just pressing arrows and “X”, so after a while I could play it with my eyes closed, so I was a bit confused with the whole “XIII battles play themselves!”. Also, leveling up there was automatic. And from the clips I’ve seen of FFVII, VIII and X, the combat looked simple, too.

        I sort of get the “it’s hard to tell a story, if you’re in the open”. One could get so distracted, that would probably forget about the story (that happened to me with the game I mentioned above). But still is no excuse to completely ditch exploration, and puzzles. In Martian Gothic: Unification (2000 survival horror, though), the story can’t progress unless you explore every corner (while controlling 3 characters at the same time), and the story is still pretty damn cool.

    • thegodemperor

      I agree with you about the planning ahead and the battle bits. I think that was great about the game.

      I think Crystarium was crap though and the weapon system could have been a bit better (Though I do like the idea of choosing a weapon to my playstyle and making it the best).

      I think most don’t actually realize there is real depth to the characters. Each character essentially represents a stage of grief and loss. Snow represents denial, Hope represents anger, Lightning represents bargaining (not the groveling kinda bargaining, but more of an angry determined bargaining, believing if they fulfill their focus with the “gods” of the world something might happen, she’s a bit of a mix though, anger is definitely a part of it), Vanille represents depression (even though she seems bubbly and upbeat when around the others, if you didn’t get she was terribly depressed from the start of the game, you’re pretty dense). Fang represents acceptance (she’s accepted all the loss and grief and pain already and has moved onto focusing on protecting her family/friends). As for Sazh? Well Sazh is the most interesting of them all, he goes through each and every single phase of it in the game essentially. He’s also the best written, but ya.

      While I agree FFXIII didn’t have the BEST characters in the series, it certainly didn’t have the worst, no, FFXII had the worst, at least each character in FFXIII played SOME role in the story/growth of others even if sometimes the growth was poorly done. Seriously, tell me how Fran, Panelo, Vaan, and even Belthier mattered in terms of the story? Belthier basically was just their means to get around via airship, Fran was nothing but fan service, Panelo and Vaan were ENTIRELY pointless (and Vaan is, imo, by far the most annoying FF hero to date). That leaves Basch and Ashe as the only ones who mattered in the story. Basch’s portion in the story only really mattered in the first half and very briefly later when confronting his brother for the final time. The ONLY person who mattered the entire story? Ashe. And she barely gets any focus tbh. That game was garbage all around. And it suffered from the same problem FFX-2 did, FFX-2 suffered because the mainstory got drowned out by mini-games and side quest (I call it the Elder Scrolls syndrome), FFXII was far more about monster hunting and that took up most of the time than the actual story. At least FFX-2 had fun gameplay (battle system was fast paced and had some strategic and tactical depth knowing when to cast things since they had timers to cast and knowing when to switch roles and such, was good, and anyone who claims the dress grid/system was bad are idiots that are too machismo and all “zomg girly dresses” and just not realizing it’s nothing different than any other job system in any other FF as far as mechanics are concerned).

      • Joana Eme

        Thank you for your time, and answer. =)

        I agree, the weapon system could be a lot better, for example, some components could give the weapons more passive abilities, or focus on a certain status.
        I wasn’t bothered with the Crystarium, but it’s probably because I like my things organized.

        I never looked at the characters that way. Mostly I was annoyed by Snow, and Hope (mentally screaming at Hope “GET ON WITH IT!”). I liked Sazh a lot, though it bugs me how he’s the “comic relief” sometimes. It feels a bit racist.

        I was really sad at the part where Dajh turned into crystal. That was just cruel.

  • San Shinobi

    C’mon, Spoony, we gotta see the end of this. We must know what the Spoony Experiment is!!

  • Mohammad Killmaster

    Excellent review. The quotes from the Producer and Director at the end really drives the point home that SE really just gives no fucks. The game didn’t interest me, so I never picked it up, but I feel sorry for all of the fans (I have a friend who was one of them) who are constantly let down by the torrent of shit this company keeps producing. Hopefully a waning interest from the western market will cause them to re-evaluate the way they do business. That seems to be the direction they’re starting to go after the debacle of the first release of FF14.

  • Chris Behellmorph Beckett

    When I read what was going to happen, I was curious about one thing; when do you call it quiets. Because this is the only game I also quited without finishing (or at least have yet to finish but want to,) and do you know what the funny thing is? It was at the exact same time as you. That god damn boss fight that just…would…not…END!

    Magnificent reviewing and bashing as always Spoony. Looking forward to you smashing XIII-2. I do wounder why you skipped IX as you skipped XII as you clearly dislike that game.

  • Larry

    “Don’t worry that the “ragequit” ending was the end of FF13.”

    Did you mean to say; “Don’t worry that “ragequit” ending ‘wasn’t the end of FF13.”-?
    For some reason I get that’s what you were trying to say.

  • Patrick Walters

    I don’t know about the way you just dropped it man. It feels lazy. It shouldn’t matter if that’s were you stopped in real life! Finish the damn game now! We give up time for you, we watch your videos so you can make money, so the least you an do is not half ass your reviews! This has honestly been the worst FF game review you’ve done. All of the other ones you’ve hated, but dammit, you treated them and us with more respect! Most of these reviews consist of nitpicks and the entire Dr. Insano bit wasn’t funny at all! Spoony, I beg you to finish this review! Please man! I expect better from the man I consider to be the best! For fuck’s sake, Spoon! This is the Highlander: Endgame of your ENTIRE review list. Please just finish the game, man. And where thee hell did the SARA count go? I LIKED that bit.

    • detis

      Giving up 20 minutes a video plus an ad that’s what, 30 seconds, a lot of time versus him putting hours into each review to make it about 20 minutes? Yep we’re just giving up so much time. :p Nitpicks? I think a lot of his problems are…well reasons for him to point out why the story, gameplay and characters suck and he’s explained that easily as well as all the plotholes and shitty writing. So yeah what’s left for him to rage on besides a shit story, shit ending and just re-confirming the issues he already explained in the first 3 (now 4) parts? I agree this wasn’t that funny and the insano bit went way too long but eh, rant is rant. Sure it’d be nice for him to finish it but really I checked out of this whole FFXIII crap a while ago, move on, go on to something fresh.

  • Patrick Dunn

    Dude he is right. I played this game (a bit longer than him) but I still can’t finish this piece of shit. Never have I played a more convalueded and idiotic story (yes I still suck at spelling). The entire plot after that point is literally Barthandelus repeating what he just said there. No joke. That is it. They wander Pulse and Barthandelus gives the same fucking speech over and over again. If you want to try to figure the massive mess out be my guest. I warned Spoony not to start this shit back in his review of Ultima IX but of course he wanted to do so now he can enjoy this…hell. If you want to know the ending (as confusing as it is) either play the game (which I wouldn’t recommend) or just watch it on youtube. God just thinking of this game pisses me off to no end. As a fan of Final Fantasy (hell even Square-Enix/Squaresoft) this is just inexcusable. I have had people tell me that XIII-2 is better but I have yet to see why. The story gets even more confusing (adding time travel people doesn’t make a bad nonsence plot any better, it makes it worse with Time Paradoxes), the entire leveling and menu system is a mess, and it has cameos that just don’t belong (like the return of Ultros and Mr. Typhon…FUCK YOU SQUARE-ENIX!) Please people I implore you. There is nothing else to see. If you want I can summerize the last chapters. Team fights the immortal Barthandelus, team goes to a L’Cie training facility (no joke) with the help of Barthandelus (try making sense of that), team fights Cid, team goes to pulse, team wanders around pulse for about a month, team tries to leave pulse, Barthandelus gives another couple of the SAME FUCKING SPEECH, team returns to Cocoon, team fight everyone as the entire place is in a fucking civil war thanks to the ruler Cid (who was killed, again make sense of that and he is killed again by outside party), team travels to Orphan. Barthandelus gives his speech again and you fight him AGAIN (for the 3rd or 4th time), team fights Orphan, Orphan merges with Barthandelus (if these guys want the team to destroy the world why do they keep trying to kill them), team destroys orphan, Cocoon falls from the sky, Fang and Vanille turn into Ragnoraak (because, you know, they could do that), Ragnorak turns into a giant crystal to hold up Cocoon so it doesn’t smash into Pulse, all crystal people turn back to normal (except Fang and Vanille), and role credits. Honestly we are not missing anything. Still have yet to figure out how XIII-2 takes place in the same world. It just doesn’t make sense. AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TRILOGY?! WTF?!

  • kamrom dechu

    The FF8, the junction system is hard to learn and takes a long time… Until you know what to do with it. Once you know that Tornadoes are one of the best magics to junction to HP, you can do so easily.

    This, however, will take exactly as much time no matter how well you know it. And thats stupid

    • thegodemperor

      I think the concept of the junction system was a good idea, but they failed hard in the execution. Though that’s a lot of what FF8 was. Good ideas, poorly executed (in terms of gameplay, story I just give up on believing it had good ideas other than a very few).

  • kamrom dechu

    Spoony… The worst story you’ve ever seen? Im sorry but I need to pull you back to reality before XIII-2 so it doesnt happen accidentally. Ready?

    Highlander 2.

    • bloodshed113094

      Nope! At least Highlander 2 explains the plot, setting and characters in a reasonable amount of time. FFXIII takes the amount to start develop its characters that most games take to be finished with developing the stereotypes character, the plot is to simple for how long it takes to execute itself and never explains it’s setting accurately enough without vast amounts of data-log entries. Also, Highlander II is only two hours of stupidity, not 30+!

  • XSpectreGreyX

    8:57 – Because he’s a pussy?
    When this game first released, I loved it. Then the honeymoon was over, and just… ugh. I quit around this part.
    The combat in FFXIII is just so boring! It doesn’t make you feel involved at all. The same can be said for the leveling. Actually, that’s the entire game!

    • thegodemperor

      I’d actually disagree. I’d say the combat in FFXIII was ok. Especially if you never use the auto-battle option (and, realize the key word there, it was an option). You had to pay attention in the battle and switch between load outs during the battle (tactics) to counter or prepare for an attack of an enemy that could be devastating while having loadouts ready to help maximize damage when the opportunity arouse for that. And you couldn’t have all the combinations at once, so you had to prepare before battles to choose your load outs.

      I’d say the combat system is probably one of the things FFXIII did mostly right (compared to other FFs, actually I’d say the one that probably did combat best was amusingly FFX-2 as it had the fast pace, yet the fun of job switching mid battle to account for situations and had to account for casting times and such, it was pretty good there). And 99% of the criticism I see is from people who go “auto-battle” and then nothing else. Your fault you choose the cruise control OPTION.

      • XSpectreGreyX

        I actually didn’t go auto-pilot (which, if I recall, was the default), since the game seemed to fuck up by having Lightning use magic attacks when the physical version were better due to her stats (or vice versa, the main point being she obviously had one stat higher than the other, so alternating not only wasted time when the enemy was in the air, but was ineffective overall). And yes, I did create Paradigm sets. But it still felt incredibly uninvolved because, really, it wasn’t difficult. It’s the equivalent of just blocking in FFX. Yay, I had to change paradigms on a routine basis during battles. DEPTH!!!!!!!!! Plus, it wasn’t really rewarding, due to the lack of impact of any of the moves and how with the numerous numbers flying on screen at once, it lessened the importance of each individual character’s stats. And then there’s the pointless Eidolons… ugh. Everyone has their choice of bad combat systems in the FF series (personally, I hate FFVIII’s drawing system the most), and this is mine.

        • thegodemperor

          Except everyone’s pointed out how auto-battle was too good at what it did and chose the right things usually (once you scoped the enemy and knew what they were weak to). And just because it’s first on the list doesn’t mean it’s the option you HAVE to choose.

          As for depth, seriously, which FF do you think had more depth? FF4? 6? 7? 8? 9? Those seem to be the 5 I see have more fame and popularity. They were fun, no doubt. They had good character customization systems for the most part (or good idea with flawed execution as was FF8), but the battle itself, what depth or difficulty was there really? Unless you’re hindering your leveling, they were all fairly easy fights with little depth TO them. The series as a whole has never had particularly engaging gameplay compared to other genres and even other games within the same genre. But I’d argue FFXIII did have more depth than the average FF in its battle because some monsters, especially later in the game with the more optional fights, would have such damaging abilities and gave certain tells as well as had variable places to hit them that did different things that it made you require to plan ahead and then execute a change of tactics mid battle to adjust to the situation. Was it perfect? No, but nothing is. Was it still better than other FFs? Definitely.

          Sounds more like your problem had to deal with showmanship of the combat and how some things didn’t feel as impactful (spells and such), which is a fair point, but not necessarily something that discredits what it did do a bit right with the needing of a change of tactics during fights to counter what the enemy did or to prevent what an enemy can do.

          And I don’t consider the draw system a combat system in FF8. It’s a system that can take place during combat and it definitely fucking sucks, but you could play the game without drawing once in battle (just points around the world and then the stupid ass card game to get more magics), but that’s another topic.

          Point at the end of the day I’d have to make is that FFXIII is by no means the best FF or even close, but it’s certainly not the worst with absolutely NO redeemable qualities like the bandwagon has been all about for awhile now.

          • thegodemperor

            Point at the end of the day I’d have to make is that FFXIII is by no means the best FF or even close, but it’s certainly not the worst with absolutely NO redeemable qualities (beyond the graphics which is, at this point, seemingly the only truly great strength Square has left) like the bandwagon has been all about for awhile now.

          • XSpectreGreyX

            I agree that, in terms of depth, the games haven’t been that great. But FFXIII has window dressing to make it seem like it has depth. The paradigm system didn’t add much to me. I could manually do those things myself. The fact that it lets you control three characters (well, not really-control two and semi-control one) in real time (well, not really, but you know…) is nice, but I think it gets more credit than it deserves (by those who don’t go all fan dumb over the game), and the trade-offs make it one of my least favourite battle systems in the series. I would rather be able to control the characters myself, rather than just assign them roles. Oh, and something else – The AoE moves were stupid, since sometimes they’d hit me and sometimes they wouldn’t, due to my proximity to another character, which the game itself got to control. at least the other games were consistent with that kind of stuff.

            I completely disagree in regards to the effectiveness of the auto-battle. Again, see the example I gave. That’s why it bugs me when people point to the auto-pilot nature of the game. Auto pilot isn’t what you mainly do, rather it’s spamming, since the enemies are huge damage sponges (seriously, it makes Borderlands look good about it) to force you into using the paradigm shifts.

            It’s definitely not the worst battle system, I’d actually say it’s good, just misused, and combined with how the game is designed, it makes the battles themselves boring at best and tedious at worst.

            This is just my opinion, and you’re free to have yours, so let’s just agree to disagree.

          • thegodemperor

            What AoE that would hit you as well? There were none I had ever encountered in my entire time playing and I played the crap outta FFXIII in my completionist ways lol. Was that in the sequel or something? It was annoying that you couldn’t control where your players were moving in the game, that’d have been nice, but the other FFs were the same there other than “front row, backrow” (not counting tactics).

            And the Auto-Battle was EXTREMELY effective once you scanned the enemy. It always chose what they were weakest to at that moment (since some phased to different weaknesses). That’s what they changed in the sequels (I know that for a fact). They made auto-battle way less intelligent in the sequel. So I really wonder if you’re confusing the two. Or did you just not scan all the enemies in a completionist way to fill out the codex thing? I do know it always chose the best.

            I do agree overall though, it could have had some changes to make it a better system, but compared to FF as a whole? It’s still a cut above the rest. I still think FFX-2, amusingly, had one of the best systems lol. Considering you could control everyone, change jobs on the fly to address the situation, get and set up bonuses based on how you change your job with the dress sphere grid thing, account for cast times as well as the ATB bar like before.

            And ya, the rest of the game’s design isn’t necessarily great. I don’t mind so much that there was the “long corridor” cause if you think about the story of running away it would make sense you don’t take time to go off and explore or so, but they coulda made that better with at least options and choices that change the paths and lock you outta others maybe. I dunno, there were issues with the game, but I just think it gets way more hate than it deserves. And worse FFs get more praise than they deserve (like FFXII which was an uncompleted piece of ass on release).

          • XSpectreGreyX

            Trust me, I abused the crap out of Libra (I think that’s what it was called), and it still happened. The game just decided to make Lightning alternate between spells and strikes for no apparent reason.

            The AoE attacks in general are meant inconsistent in what they hot, since everything, you and your opponents, are moving. With other games, it was just guaranteed what would be hit. It happened to me numerous times, although I can’t remember with what enemies.

            Well, they did give us options… by making you complete side quests or else have to backtrack down the long-ass hallway. As Totalbiscuit said, there are degrees of linearity – You have to accept linearity to get a good story, most non-linear games have awful story, but when your game is just one big hallway, when your other games have given you an open world to explore at some point in the game, then you’re fucking up.

            I agree that it gets a lot more hate than it deserves (even from those who haven’t played it, e.g a guy I used to know said it was “a straight line”, but he hasn’t played it and just assumed it sucked because he was a poser-gamer), and there are definitely worst games (FFVIII is one of my most hated because of the characters, story and combat), but with a series like Final Fantasy, there are bound to be conflicting thoughts as to what makes a good RPG, especially since, let’s remember, the game’s target demographic is primarily the Japanese market, hence the existence of Vaan, who I havem’t heard any Western gamer praise. But also, I think it’s important to note when reading anything from Japan, that criticising things is seen as a rude thing there, more so than in Western countries, where it’s just accepted (and in fact, entire websites have popped up to riff on things).

            Final Fantasy XIII is definitely one of the most divisive games in the series, and that’s saying something after FFX and FFXII (I actually did like FFXII’s story, Vaan and Penelo aside), but it’s personally one of the worst I’ve played, since it’s not what I want in an RPG.

            Oh, and off-topic, but it doesn’t help tha they KEEP MILKING THIS SERIES. Fuck knows what’s going on with Versus XIII (which I was much more excited for before XIII’s release, but that was before it became an in-joke) and XV had a trailer… that was re-used footage of a tech demo with barely anything added. It annoys me that so much is being put into this franchise… Yeah, just had to vent :)

          • thegodemperor

            I dunno, whenever I used Auto-battle it had no problem choosing the weaknesses of enemies for me. But I rarely used it cause it bored me to use it.

            And I see what you mean, that some enemies would move outta the way before you cast it, well that’s not so bad. If they had allowed more control I agree it’d have been better, but in that case it’s adding a little more thought as to try and use AoE when you know it will hit. Adding depth to the game.

            And ya, but realize TB and all of us are coming at it from a western mindset, as you said. I could see the need for long hallways to symbolize you gotta keep moving and there’s only one path to run, I do think it could have been better, I don’t disagree, I just don’t hate it as much as others especially because, not using Auto-battle, I enjoyed the combat system compared to FFs of past.

            I do agree, they are milking FFXIII too much. They shoulda just stuck with FFXIII and focused on Versus, but considering they have so many development teams and they just used old resources it made making FFXIII-2 faster than Versus which is supposed to be entirely different look and gameplay. But it definitely pisses me off we’ve seen nothing much of Versus. It was the one everyone was excited for cause it was more realistic, darker gritty FF which seemed like it’d have serious themes and tones and the gameplay is supposedly KH style action RPG which everyone enjoyed who played KH. Definitely fucking up there….

            As for FFXII, if you like Star Wars’ story, then you should like FFXII. But that’s my biggest issue with its story. It’s plot point for plot point Star Wars. And then my other big gripe is that the story still felt like it was poorly executed and presented. In past FFs, even if there were long points between the story bits, you always felt like you had to do something because of the story. And most FFs generally had WAY more conversations and cutscenes at the start of the game to set up the story. FFXII didn’t have quite as much. It just felt.. flat.

            The world did feel way too bland and boring in terms of colors and development. Yes, even the non-desert areas felt very plain. Some areas were neat, most weren’t. The characters were almost all poorly done, the gameplay was half assed. But, as I pointed out above, it’s not surprising considering the development hell it went through with the lead designer leaving and other issues. It just is sad to see people defend that piece of crap and usually the only reason I can get is I think they were fooled into believing it was an action RPG game (it wasn’t) or they like just running around the “open” (wasn’t really, more so than FFXIII up until chapter 11 where it was basically the same then, but still not truly open) world and seeing the sights.

          • XSpectreGreyX

            That’s the thing though, the AoE? You don’t get to control it and it’s not predictable. So it’s just chance and poor game design.

            Also, I don’t think the long hallway is symbolic at all. It’s just there because without it, the sense of urgency that the game tries so hard (and fails) to play up is gone. That’s the point of linearity in games – To ensure that the player finishes certain events after others. But there are ways around that (ME3 did it pretty well). And really, why is it there? The idea of these fal’Cie getting all pissy and wanting l’Cie to accomplish tasks is idiotic. Not only do you not know your task at all, making the game feel aimless, especially since it bounces back between multiple characters with no aim, but you don’t even know the time limit, making that sense of urgency feel entirely artificial, especially when combined with the gameplay itself.

            I get that Versus XIII is being developed by a different team and that XIII-2 was developed much quicker due to re-using resources, but c’mon, how much can you drag out one game?! Crisis Core was good, but it didn’t feel like a forced installment. It felt like an optional extra.

        • Kajitani-Eizan

          I would have to agree with thegodemperor that the battle system is one of XIII’s strongest points. FFT, FFX, FFX-2, and FFXIII/FFXIII-2 are easily best in the series when it comes to battle mechanics. If you felt uninvolved or that battles were still easy enough to be boring by the end of the game… I don’t know what to tell you.

          As for physical vs. magic, the auto option will pick whichever does more damage. Assuming you’re a Commando, the role which is supposed to deal damage. If you’re a Ravager, it will try to raise the chain bonus as much as possible, which is accomplished by not using the same attack twice in a row. If the enemy has a singular elemental weakness, the best option is thus likely to alternate between the spell and -strike targeting that elemental weakness. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take cast times into account, which is why it can sometimes be a good idea to take manual control and, say, spam Thunder (the fastest spell) over and over so no time is wasted running over, running back, or alternating.

          • XSpectreGreyX

            That’s the thing – It was blatantly obvious that thje physical attacks did more damage, but it still chose to ALTERNATE, which makes no goddamn sense. I’ve heard that this was fixed in FFXIII-2 but I can’t bring myself to finish that.

          • Matt Morgan

            Or, maybe you just suck at games and it makes you feel better about yourself to play a game that does everything for you.

      • ReloadXPsi

        That’s just it, it was like a watered down version of the one from FFX-2 (which I also consider the best battle system in the entire series) because there were actually less choices, and the other two members acted on their own, involving the player as little as possible, and that’s taking into account that for as long as I lasted in this game I did not use autobattle on general principle, much like I enjoyed FFXII far more when I didn’t use gambits.

        • thegodemperor

          That I’d agree with. Watered down of FFX-2, but still superior to FFXII and most other battle systems in the series. Kinda a wash of a game imo.

  • Deltanium

    Great review, can’t wait for the follow-up.

    That being said…The Dr Insano part made me sick.

  • SorceressJacklyn

    I got the game back close to when it first released because, let’s face facts, I am a big FF fan. Yeah some of the later stuff was getting bad but they could turn it around. I know they can.

    My poor deluded soul.

    I ended up ragequiting this game at the same point as you because fuck me, right? The stupid as shit weapon leveling, the crystalium bullshit, and every fucking hallway. I ended up coming back to it a couple months later and quitting again. I even looked up playthrough guides and used those. But there was no enjoyment still from the tedious buttfuckery that was this game. So I ended up saying fuck it in the ear, sold my copy, and haven’t touched it since.

    But seeing your videos has made me think about picking it up again to see if I can go through and reach the end. Or just end up ragequitting once more.

  • thegodemperor

    Hey… I liked the Sphere Grid. It was a nice unique take on character customization without using just standard exp and seeing stats auto increase without your choice.

    But I do agree, License System sucked as did the Crystarium system (essentially yet another corridor).

    Btw, speaking of License System, why’d you skip FFXII spoony? Because you liked it? Come on, it was a flawed piece of garbage. The gameplay was more boring than any FF in history and was still just a turn based RPG without going into a battle screen separate of the world (so it meant new monsters could join the fight), big whoop. The story was blatantly a rip off of Star Wars except even worse (so it’s a rehash of a story that was already a rehash of a story yet people don’t realize that about Star Wars). The characters were ENTIRELY pointless to the story except really Basch and Ashe. And even then Ashe was barely a focus (even though she shoulda been) and Basch only mattered for parts of the story, not all. The rest were either useless (Vaan, who is by far the worst FF main character ever, and Panelo), fan service (Fran), or just the way to get around the world (Belthier). Oh, about Belthier, he’s way overrated. You know why people like him? His looks and his British accent. Come on, someone tell me what is a defining character aspect of him? He’s a sky pirate or something? ooooo what does that even mean in the game? Can anyone tell me? Ya, no. Or how about character development? Did he have any? Oh wait, no… he didn’t.

    And to go on about FFXII, the music was garbage, the world was way too much sandy desert for the majority of the early game (very little variety), and the game had far more a focus and time on monster hunting than on the story and plot (similar problem to FFX-2 which had way too much focus on side quest and mini-games instead of the plot itself).

    So ya, wtb FFXII commentary cause that game was shit and by far the worst FF in history.

    • Jeremy Owens

      All I have to say to that is: Bullshit. It was flawed but to say it’s the worst FF is laughable.

      • thegodemperor

        FFXII was the worst of the main series, easily. By far the worse. Story, characters, gameplay, etc. All of it was mediocre or shit. The only thing enjoyable was just running around the world and even then way too much of it was sand or some kinda sandy/dusty area. Was like the FPS of FF. A lot of brown and drab colors for the majority of it (especially earlier in the game).

        Btw, if you’re going to claim my point is bullshit, how? Go counter my points. If you can’t than you’ve proven nothing. I’d love to see how it’ll be countered lol.

        • Jeremy Owens

          I’ve already done it on the last video, but I’ll take a crack at it from a new angle.

          Like I said it’s not perfect, and has some major issues, but overall the game took risks and tried to evolve the series.

          Then people like you hated it because it wasn’t like FF VII or
          some nonsense and that’s the reason why XIII exists. XIII throws out ALL of the risks and changes XII attempted and goes back to the same old shit.

          Attempt at a more politically based plot? Nope, replaced with another “Teenagers have to save everyone” plot.

          Attempt at an open world again (which I enjoyed greatly)? Nope, replaced with the absolutely most linear piece of shit possible because people complained about getting lost every now and then.

          Attempt to change up the turn based combat formula and eliminate random encounters? Well, sort of kept in, I guess. The encounters aren’t “random” really and the combat is slightly different from a straight turn based system, but still a huge step backwards.

          And so on. Which is why I get pissed off when I hear people go “Yeah, I agree XIII was the second worst thing ever, right after XII” when the REASON XIII EXISTS is because people had some irrational hatred for XII.

          And hell, you’re flat out wrong on some of your complaints too. “Everything was drab and brown”. No, the DESERT was drab and brown, like it should be, while everything else looked like it should too. The entire point was that Dalmasca was a previously successful, now poor and broken nation in the middle of a desert. It doesn’t take all that long to get out of it, especially when you count the things happening in the city itself and in the sewers, which were also quite different.

          The characters all did have a bit of complexity to them (well, except Vaan and Penelo), you just had to actually PAY ATTENTION to get them, unlike the other games in the series. FF X: Tidus likes Blitzball and Yuna and is really loud. CHARACTER! Lulu is a frigid bitch (well actually okay, she did have a bit more complexity, along with Auron and Yuna, but the rest of them didn’t.) Hell, go all the way back to IV, probably my favorite of the series, and everyone is basically cardboard cut-outs of their roles. Cecil is the honroable knight who turns good after realizing his cause is evil. Been done a billion times, but still works. Kain is the rival who’s in love with the protagonist’s girlfriend. Check. And so on and so forth.

          The FF series has never been known for its complexity of characters, but XII did a good job of giving everyone some subtle characterization, especially Basch. Balthier was there to give Vaan someone to latch onto. Balthier was fairly shallow as a character, but as a representative of the life of the sky pirate he worked well. He was supposed to showcase the freedom and joy of life that the “profession” holds, which he did well. Fran was actually fairly useful to the plot, if as nothing more than a Mist sensor.

          The combat was a nice change of pace from the usual. While it was still semi-turn based, just the ability to move around the battlefield and position your characters added a new level of strategy to the game that was much needed. Along with juggling the gauges and the ability to actually avoid attacks, XII’s combat system was a HUGE step in the right direction.

          All in all it was a good game, better than some that came before it and CERTAINLY better than the ones that have come after.

          • thegodemperor

            You think that FFXIII was a regression of what FFXII attempted, but I’d disagree that it was truly open world. It was basically rooms/zones lightly connected by one or two paths between them. The same way that FFXI is. All FFXII was really was a continuation of FFXI without the fun of people to play it with.

            The gameplay of FFXII was a regressed form of basically freaking FF before even FFVI I’d say other than the fact random monsters can join against you in the middle of the battle. And that’s hardly a big thing to get all wet over.

            Again, you ignore that FFXII was JUST Star Wars in story/plot, entirely. Not original at all. Some political intrigue coulda been cool in the FF Series more, but it hasn’t really been done well or original since FFT.

            As for character? REALLY? Tell me, how did Belthier grow as a character? How did he change? What great conflict did he have to go over? Sure his father was Cid and created many weaponry and things for the empire, but that was hardly anything he was conflicted over from what the story showed. How about Fran? What’d she do? Hmm? She was tits and ass and skimpy clothing fanservice. Nothing more. You already conceded Vaan and Panelo were pointless (that’s 1/3 of the main characters). Basch and Ashe were the ONLY ones who had some kinda growth in the story. Basch’s dealing with getting over the claim he was a traitor and dealing with his brother and Ashe trying to fight and reclaim her kingdom for her people as well as taking vengeance for her lost husband (which really didn’t seem like she cared that much to be honest). And even then, they were hardly given enough of a focus. The characters were poorly done. Only 1/3 of them mattered in the story and had SOME semblance of growth, but even they didn’t get enough of a focus, especially since they didn’t come into the game until hours in the gameplay. The other 2/3rds? Pointless with no real development.

            Sure, FF hasn’t had the most complex characters as say a game like Planescape Torment or Xenogears, but if you think that FF4, 6, 7, 9, X and even XIII had overly simple characters you’d be wrong. Down below I already explain what the FFXIII characters represented and how their personality and actions further reinforce what the represent (one of the stages of grief basically, except Sazh who goes through them all in a more balanced way than the others). FF has had well developed characters. FFXII did not.

            And, again, the combat? What difference? It was STILL the same shallow turn based shit. And you only controlled one character in that game really. Hell, could make it so you control no characters in that game as well. It was nice being able to switch to another if you wanted mid-battle, that’s something FFXIII shoulda done too and failed on, but as a batlte system? FFXII was terribly dull. More so than FFs years older than it like FFIV or FFVI or FFVII or FFIX, etc. I’d say FFX-2’s combat system was a way better step in the right direction. We don’t need FF heading towards action RPG based combat like Skyrim or some shit. Maybe if it headed towards Kingdom Hearts that’d be fine, but they already have Kingdom Hearts. FF has always filled a different niche of RPG Battle types and that’s FINE. Not everything need be like another series. If I were to say FF needs to do anything it’s more battle systems like FFX-2 (just minus the annoying pop music and stupid over abundance of side quests and mini-games).

            FFXII was not a good game, not at all. And there’s a good reason for this:


            During the Development process people left. Key people like Matsuno. It suffered greatly from not having proper development and it shows. And the only ones I ever see who deny the problems are those who can’t let go of how awesome FFT was and think any game with Ivalice should be considered great. It was bad on release, very bad.

          • Skelemelon

            “It was basically rooms/zones lightly connected by one or two paths between them” Are you able to travel freely between these rooms/zones? Then it’s an open-world game. It doesn’t have to be contiguous like Bethesda RPGs to be open-world. It just needs to be a world that’s open to exploration. (See: Borderlands)

          • thegodemperor

            Then by your definition MGS was an open-world game (it was not).

          • Skelemelon

            If it was not an open world game, then my definition does not say it was. The definition that I wrote is not my personal definition, it is the definition. I think you might have mistaken the last sentence. I did not mean it in the “Last of Us” way, in which you ARE restricted to a single path that is made up of areas that you can explore. That is not freedom of movement between areas, you can only go forward.

          • thegodemperor

            You realize most FFs are still like that right? You are never freely able to move anywhere from the get go nor are you able to return to all areas you’ve been toward the end of the game. There are many areas closed off or one time access areas. FFXII is no different there to any other FF. It’s less narrow in the zones than FFX and certainly far less than FFXIII, but it’s not any better than other FFs in terms of having a “real open world.”

          • Skelemelon

            I never said that any Final Fantasy game was open-world. You said “It was basically rooms/zones lightly connected by one or two paths between them” and I replied that if you can move freely between those areas, that doesn’t make it any less of an open-world RPG than one with a contiguous world. That’s why my initial comment was worded with “If so” questions. I’m arguing the definition of an open-world RPG, not whether or not this game is open-world. I don’t expect any Final Fantasy to be open world because they’re Japanese RPGs, which focus on telling a story.

          • thegodemperor

            Ah ok then. I see your point.

            Ya, neither do I tbh.

            You know, I really wanna try the “international” (stupid SE and their stupid naming) version of FFXII. It’s apparently improved a lot in terms of gameplay. Why would they call it “international” when it’s only in Japan >.>

  • Thomas Marment

    Hey Spoony, your probably gonna hate me for pointing this out, but apparently, according to hard core fans and some info leaked from square, FFVIII and FFXIII take place at the same time on two different sides of the same planet (aside from the Cocoon portion of the game). Now that i think about it, FF8 & 13 being on the same planet does explain a few things doesn’t it?

    • Hannes Steffenhagen

      Actually, no it doesn’t. First of all, you explore the entire planet in FFVIII. And then theres the fact that well… FFVIII and FFXIII aren’t alike. Like at all. The technology is different, the terminology is different, pretty much anything and everything is different.

      • Martin Markov

        Just another reason why Square Enix completely sucks.

    • ToriyamaHater

      That’s not possible. There’s some connections only with ff7 (because concept was stolen from there).
      And, yeah, you can travel all around the planet at ff8 and miss something THAT big?

    • Matt Morgan

      No, they take place on different planets in the same universe. Final Fantasy 7 happens 1000 years after Final Fantasy 12-2. It’s 12, not 13 that has the same universe as FF7

  • ColeYote

    That Science with Dr. Insano segment made me laugh a lot harder than it really should have. Must’ve been a bitch to clean, eh?

  • NeroAngelo

    oh yeah, almost forgot. the thing with Dajh’s crystal transformation. They were weary about making a naked little boy in crystal, so they came up with some bs. He’s a Cocoon L’CIE, while Serah was a Pulse L’Cie. their focus makes them naked while the Cocoon one let’s them keep their clothes

    • ToriyamaHater

      I thought that there was no crystallized Dajh art so they couldn’t come up with something special. Anyway that’s just stupid. How fal’cie can take cloth off? Why would heit do that? Just another question that won’t be answered in the game…

      • Skelemelon

        It’s a giant Japanese monster with blue tentacles that pull you into it if you’re a chick and you get close enough (Serah) and you’re questioning its motivations in stripping its victims?

    • Atmos_Duality

      They’ve become total wimps.
      We saw Naked Serge in Chrono Cross from the same company 10 years prior to FF13.

  • Hannes Steffenhagen

    Lol spoony you’re disgusting.

    • Christopher McFarlane

      I had always considered him so charming.

  • ToriyamaHater

    And one more thing. Caius’s motivation in 13-2 is also pretty stupid (major spoilers).
    He is basically immortal guardian of Yeul. And he pissed off that Yeul is constantly dying. But Yeul is the Seer and she’s always reborn with the same personality. She’s not struggling when dying and always popup somewhere else next moment after death. So, what’s the point in making PARADOXES which making CHANGES in history and, thus, killing Yeul (yeah, Seer’s are sensetive for that type of thing).


    • Mitchell Bandes

      If you watch Doctor Who enough, you start to understand the concept of personal timelines; that is, if you travel into the future, then travel into the past and do something important, if someone kills you in the future, the important thing you did in the past can’t happen. Thus, by changing the future, you have changed the past.

      • ToriyamaHater

        But they don’t do anything in past. Actually, they don’t do anything whole game.

        And yet one more thing. Almighty goddess Etro couldn’t see that decrystallizing ff13 party will destroy all world/timeline. If she saw that, why she would do that? she certainly can see whole timeline from Valhalla. Etro just decided to fuck up everything for shits and giggles

  • Dragon Nexus

    When the Code Purple showed up I thought “What? No Purple Alert Red Dwarf clip!? you disappoint me, Spoony!”
    And then right afterwards we get the superior Blue Alert Red Dwarf clip.

    The quotes at the end. I love how he says “They just dump you in a world and let you do your own thing” like it’s a *bad* thing. Hard to tell a compelling story? Eh, okay I’ll give him that.
    Wait, no I won’t because Xenoblade Chronicles had massive open environments, a butt load of side missions that were fun and disguised the level grinding you didn’t even know you were doing, and told one of the most compelling and interesting stories I’ve ever seen in a JRPG *without once having to resort to funelling the party down a linear coridor incase they wandered off chasing butterflies*.

    So fuck that analysis of what a game should be. This is ignoring the fact that Final Fantasy 13 didn’t even succeed in telling a compelling story at all!

  • Emran Qadir Ismail

    I hate the weapon leveling system in this game. You have use animal stuff increase the exp rate and then machine stuff to level it up. But you don’t get gil from fights so you have to grind and sell shit for the parts you need. And crystals you need for each weapon is different and those cost a shit tone of gil. To this day I still don’t understand this system. Its way better in final fantasy XIII-2.
    I wish square enix would have given me a tutorial on this instead or tell me in the game Manuel. Can someone please how to use the weapon level system. I need someone to sit me down and show step by step process.

    • Manuel Wolf

      you know what had a good level up system for your equipment? final fantasy vii.
      all you had to do was equip whatever materia you liked, fight a battle and dependent on the enemies you fought your equipment would get better and you’d eventually unlock new abilities.
      that’s the part that really kills me: square enix has shown repeatedly that they’re capable of making good, well thought out games with memorable and intriguing characters, a plot that actually makes sense and a relatively open world with hours of side content next to the already vast main story, but depending on who you ask everyone seems to agree that the games have been getting progressively worse after a certain installment.
      it’s like they’re not even trying anymore and just do whatever the hell they want, counting that the name alone is enough for the games to become a commercial success.

      • Rolland Therrien

        I’ve noticed that too. Ever since VII onward, square enix has repeatedly reinvented the game mechanics over and over, making a once simple system of menu selections and tactical combat decisions into an increasingly esoteric clusterfuck of features seemingly designed for no other reason then to “look cool”, with the Crystarium being the culmination of this: a visually impressive system that, when you peel away the graphics and the sounds, isn’t even a skill tree so much as a skill branch.

        Guys, there’s a reason why RPGamers fondly remember FFs 1, 4 and 6: they were simple and fun.

  • Groverfield

    Watch, Dr. Insano gets sick from science, and finds religion, and then he can do the Spoony Revelation!

  • rowdycmoore

    OK, I want to see a regular Mr. Wizard parody series with Insano now.

    • DarkSaber2k

      Spoony has enough trouble releasing one non-vlog video every 3 months as it is!

  • Remus

    I am amused and disgusted that he did that “weapon upgrade” with his bare hands.

    • ReloadXPsi

      Holy shit but I watched that scene through myyyy hands (no I will not let you go!) and still haven’t been able to sit through it more than once.

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    I know you may think I’m ignorant for saying this but… I think Motomu Toriyama actually HATES Lightning.

    Hear me out! Toriyama KNOWS that western gamers like tough action females and he definitely gave Lightning a lot to scenes to fight in but in terms of her actual character and character interaction, Toriyama wants her to starve. The worst thing about this? Lightning actually HAD the potential to be up there with the more respected FF characters if her background, motivation, relationship with her sister and even HOW she can do all those cool things.

    Instead of Lightning, Toriyama seems more interested giving annoying girly twats like Vanille, Serah, Mog, Alyssa and Chocolina as much screentime as possible because Toriyama thinks he can write good comedy.

    I asked for XIII-2 to explore Lightning’s character but instead she’s given godly powers. No doubt LR will turn Lightning into a robot.

  • TheZaius

    Who the hell listens to video game reviewers? Ever since that ridiculously high score FFX-2 got, I just ignore them entirely. Game critics give games high scores if they have high production value or have gameplay that fits in their comfort zone.

  • phoenixrider100

    Im disappointed spoony ddnt go into detail on the rouge Psicom guys, cause it was my major beef with this game. But it essence ur right it makes no sense. They want to lose the boss Fal’cie Eden who rules Coccoon as an open secret and establish a human government. So explain to me your plan on how you hope to keep people alive after pissing off and possibly killing the Fal’cies who provide food, electricity, warmth, the beings literaling keeping your planet from crashing into the ground? What are you going to ask nicely or try enslave the mechanical demigods? Cause i dont see any back up systems or any indication this plaet can support corps without the Fal’cie. Maybe we might have a plan that involves no genocide of everyone! And dont even tell me its because Cid was a mole. He had a freaking army on his side whowere on the level and none of them had any questions over this stupid fucking plan!

  • Goblin_King

    Why did you carry on “reviewing” after the “ragequit”? you got EVERYTHING wrong

  • Jonathan Andersson

    That’s why the weapon leveling system in FFVII is so much better than the crap they came up with in the other games in a desperate attempt to make it look different instead of improving the already existing formula.

    When you find a new weapon with better base stats in FFVII, all you need to do there is to take the Materia, which is the thing that’s improving your stats and contains your magic’s XP from your old weapon and put it in the new one’s magic slots, which in its turn gives the player choices, like focusing on different attributes or combining different magic spells.

    It’s so simple to understand and easy to use, I really can’t understand why it wasn’t used more often. Some improvements here and there, like new stats it can improve or things outside of combat would have been enough.

    Just because something is complex doesn’t mean it’s good, you know.

    • Goblin_King

      And just what about the FFXIII weapon levelling system is even remotely complex?

      • Jonathan Andersson

        Looks like someone didn’t pay attention to the video or didn’t watch it all the way through.

        • Goblin_King

          No I watched it, but I’ve also played the game so I have first hand experience of the non-existent complexity of the system

          • Jonathan Andersson

            I think you’re mixing up the definition of “complex” with the definition of the word “convoluted”, because according to this video (I’d never in my life waste money on something that gets “better” after almost a solid day of game time), the weapon leveling system is needlessly complex with constantly changing XP multipliers which someone would more than likely need a chart or something like it to follow.

          • Goblin_King

            well spoony is using the power of editing to make it look complex, when really it’s no more complex than picking where to put you skill point in Borderlands. Spoony either:

            1. Never played the game
            2. Is a fucking idiot
            or 3. Both

          • Jonathan Andersson

            I was referring to what he was TALKING about, but go ahead and make some more asinine assumptions we can all laugh at.

          • Goblin_King

            What he either A. didn’t realise or B. chose to ignore for the sake of the review is, Organic components(i.e. Murky Ooze) increase the multiplier, do you need to know how many of item X increase it to x3? not unless you’re ocd about that stuff, but give little EXP since that’s not their immediate function and non-organic components(i.e. Super Conductor) give mass amounts of EXP but decrease the multiplier, again you don’t need to know how many you need unless you’re ocd, as components are pretty easy to come by. You don’t need a guide to realise any of this either.

          • misfit119

            Actually I didn’t realize that’s what was going on until someone pointed it out clearly to me. And when someone breaks it down like you just did it sounds even stupider. Why yes let’s be sure to slather on the organic components onto our stick, whip type weapon and then attach a bunch of metal parts haphazardly to it to create POWER. Having set recipes of items needed to improve weapons not only manages to be simpler but it generally makes a good bit more sense (add fire items to give a weapon fire upgrades? Genius!).

          • Goblin_King

            No upgrade system makes sense(well, maybe the Sharpening in Suikoden)

          • misfit119

            That’s not entirely true. Some games handle the system in a pretty logical manner (ie. fire items give fire upgrades). But compared to the way it works in FFXIII the weapon combinations in Dead Rising 2 make sense so this is probably the wrong game to defend that point with.

          • Matt Morgan

            You don’t really need to play the game unless you’re OCD

          • Goblin_King

            Or reviewing it.

  • Thomas Marment

    I just had a thought, if this review follows his previous FF Review format… is going to have to fight one of (or all of) the 6 L’Cie you play as in this game?

    • Goblin_King

      The review is over, unless he has no dignity and thinks getting everything wrong is funny(like the last 20mins of this vid) he can’t continue.

      Or are you combining XIII and XIII-2 reviews?

      • Thomas Marment

        Did you even read the vid description he gave? if not, ill quote it.

        Spoony: “NOTE: Don’t worry, folks, I will review XIII-2, and naturally, I can’t
        address the events of that game without covering the endgame of XIII.
        Don’t worry that the “ragequit” ending was the end of FF13. Basically I
        was trying to illustrate that THAT was the exact point where I quit the
        game in real life.”

      • Patrick Wells

        Goblin King, you have terrible taste. That is all.

        • Goblin_King

          To each their own right? I’m sure you like somethings that others don’t

  • ReloadXPsi

    Will you do XII before you do XIII-2? I only ask because you’ve alternated between a game I like and then a game I don’t, and doing XIII-2 would break it with two consecutive games I don’t like :P (Yes, that means I like FFX-2. I enjoy that it ruined FFX.) No, this is not to be taken as a good reason before anyone bitches me out.

    • Goblin_King

      It’s a shame that what you like about FFX-2, doesn’t actually happen.

      • ReloadXPsi

        I dunno, plenty hardcore FFX fans complained about it and that was plenty motivation for me to like it.

        • Goblin_King

          It doesn’t ruin anything, sorry.

          • ReloadXPsi

            The obscene levels of fan outcry at the time would disagree with you there.

          • Goblin_King

            They where just confused about Tidus coming back, it’s like they missed the scene after the credits of FFX or something.

          • ReloadXPsi

            Wow, I… think we’ve completely lost track of what each other is thinking. I meant how people felt about the game turning Yuna and Rikku into whores and slathering it with J-pop and Sailor Moon, which I just laughed off as a parody. At the time anyway :P The whole Tidus thing didn’t bother me in the least.

          • Goblin_King

            Hmm, it would appear we did.

            Personally I don’t get the whore thing, but then I’m British and we ditched that mentality 50+ years ago now we just accept that everyone is a pervert and calling someone a pervert is just being a hypocrite, I like Pop music anyway, J-Pop is just Pop with a J, as for Sailor Moon,it never even crossed my mind, but it was a cool show.

            And the Tidus thing isn’t even really a thing, if you didn’t turn FFX off during the credits it was pretty obvious how the best ending was going to end.

          • ReloadXPsi

            I think in summation I think I just enjoyed that people didn’t like that game while I somehow did, way more so than its predecessor :P

  • Ben Colecliffe

    How are Insano’s upgrades working out, Spoony?

  • Ben Colecliffe

    I don’t get it. Why would I play a game that ‘gets good’ 20 hours in when I can be playing a game that is good from the word go?

  • Kai Fischer

    About Sazh sons focus. I think there is no paradox. He should find Fang and Vanille. Both were already l’Cie at the beginning (before the others were turned) and talked about killing one fal’Cie slightly before Dajh was turned.

    Focus could be “Find the 2 l’Cie and bring sanctum troops with you”. So he completes his focus when he finds Sazh and Vanille (2 l’Cie) even when Fang and Vanille were the original targets. I doubt that the fal’Cie used Fang and Vanilles names. Also Dajh would chose to see his father which is alongside Vanille over Fang.

  • Miguelito

    Frog’s theme still gives me the chills.

    • Aluminum Foil

      Hell yeah <3.

  • KiTA

    The best thing Square Enix could do is fire the Not-Akira Toriyama and the festering Morons Kitase and Nomura. Those 3 refuse to take any editorial control, constraints, or advice. They will run the series into the ground if they’re not stopped. Hell, it may already be too late.

  • pskullv

    After some thinking, I can see where the director, Motomu Toriyama, is coming from in regards to free, open worlds affecting the story of a game.
    Case-in-point, Bethesda’s Fallout 3 is an open-world, sandbox RPG with a storyline that is technically sound, but can be easily ground to a halt by the many side-missions that often have their own plots and the massive amounts of travelling with no character development or relevance to the story. However, the fact of the matter is that players have the choice of experiencing the story or doing something else in the game world. So his argument is invalid. In regards to the massive amount of travelling, in a game like Final Fantasy XIII, with established characters that are allowed to talk, they can fill the travelling time character development that can pay off later or add to the story, its theme or its build-up. In other words, everything done in Rockstar’s Red Dead Redemption. Basically everything else depends in the execution.

  • Swaggermuffin

    Please god never do a skit like the weapon fusion one again

    I’m gagging

    • James Hinds

      Ditto. This vid was awesome because of the Insano skit. That, and everything here really needed to be called out. Incredibly poor leveling system, stupid weapons. This is the stuff that makes XIII the valiant effort–but hilarious failure–that it is.

  • Sam Morris

    At least a few reviewers saw how bad FFXIII was at launch… Jim Sterling, for instance:

    “Written with all the skill of a three-year-old and paced with the eagerness of a virgin in heat, Final Fantasy XIII isn’t just bad by Final Fantasy standards, it’s pretty damn poor for the genre itself.

    It’s the worst main chapter in the Final Fantasy series to date, and if this is the future of the franchise, that future is incredibly bleak indeed.”

    Oh, and then he reviewed Final Fantasy: All The Bravest. Jim gave it a 1/10.

  • John Shepard

    You probably heard about FFXIII Lightning Returns,right?
    It’s coming out in February of 2014.I wonder how much more the can f@ck up the story.

    • Thomas Marment


  • friv

    Final Fantasy XIII. I like it. Thank you

  • Saku Suonpää

    My theory is that the treasure sphere shit things are trash cans. Makes more sense that way -.- who makes a floating treasure sphere just for one potion or a god damn murky ooze!? Granted its final fantasy but there has to be some sense right? right?…

  • Rude

    Actyaly this kind of leveling up system can be good if its done properly. For example Mana Khemia 2 on Ps2. Major part of game is crafting system that will unlock slots to upgrade your charackters with points you get from battles. Game limites how strong you can get by letting you get some recipes only in later part in game but it dont feel like bullshit becouse to max everything before hiting limitation it takes effort and you can see your charackters progresing.

    • misfit119

      This is true but it requires one thing – effort. The Final Fantasy games put all of their effort into shiny, pretty graphics and over the top cutscenes and things like plot, characters that aren’t stereotypes, gameplay systems and leveling up mechanics are just way too much work to get right.

      • Rude

        Actualy Mana khemia 2 have WAAAAAAY better plot than Final Fantasy XIII and for it time it got beautiful graphic that even today look cute :P

  • Marbles

    Vanille isn’t that young. She’s 19 according to the official data. Still creepy to be with Sazh, but not as much illegal as previously thought.

    • Daniel2112

      Was she always 19 or was that changed when it was localized? Japan has much different views on inter generational relationships than the US.

      • Marbles

        Oh I know what you mean. Many localized anime changes the age of characters due to our customs and views on relationships vs Japanese. Bravely Default all the characters were changed form 15-16 to 18-19, Atelier Rorona the main character was changed from 14 to 17… which caused a disconnect in the original release since they didn’t alter her model or graphics at all. This was later fixed in the re-release Rorona Plus.

        Anyways, Vanille is 19 in both the Japanese and Western release of Final Fantasy 13. She’s just supposed to be innocent and childlike in personality. While I love the character, the way her actress speaks always bugged me.

        • Daniel2112

          Hrm. The artwork and voice acting combine to make her seem closer to 13-14.

          • Marbles

            Of Vanille?

          • Daniel2112


  • Pokepika01

    Supposedly the game was ORIGINALLY going to focus on Vanille, but the advertising team had already started touting Lightning, and so they had to rework the plot to compensate.

    Still would have sucked, though.

  • Guest

    Oh god, Spoony. Make it stop. Make it stoooop.. [@ the “SCIENCE!” scene.)

  • Vandell

    Oh god, Spoony. Make it stop. Make it stooooop! [@ the “SCIENCE!” scene.]

  • Steven Kenneth Horsecroft

    I wish I didn’t watch the Science scene during lunch

  • Logan

    I’m on the final chapter, and I’ve really enjoyed this game. Maybe I’m just weird for actually getting the story for the most part and being a fan of data logs to learn more about the game’s world, whether or not the information is relevant to the story. Forget me, right? Also, pretty sure that the robes represent criminals or prisoners. Really easy to catch on if you stop nitpicking for two seconds and pay attention…


      You’re not weird, you just aren’t using your brain. Do you REALLY think anything in the game makes sense? And WHY would prisoners or criminals wear those robes?

      Are you implying this game is anything but an elegantly-produced series of eye-catching visual concepts with no real storytelling intent, concern for or relation to reality, or any awareness of how any sort of writing works beyond tired, offensive, inane anime archetypes?

    • Barachiel

      You make a good point. Both sides do, really.

      In Spoony’s defense, this game is a series of badly executed ideas, and many of his larger complaints are completely valid. I should not have to read the Datalog to fully appreciate the game. Mass Effect’s Codex, was a *supplement*, not required reading. In FFXIII, the Datalog is mandatory. The tube/hallway is grating and tiresome and resulted in me taking 9 months to beat this game (play for 3-5 days, take a couple months off, rinse, and repeat).

      But, then you really pay attention to the review, and his focus on all these nitpicky little things, and it’s less a review, and more one guy just looking for how many things he can complain about.

      *The robes? Okay, odd visual style, but yeah they’re really fancy prison robes. Move along.

      *The Grav-Con not appearing anymore? It’s clearly shown getting broken immediately after the scene he obsesses over.

      *All the “young girl” crap about Vanille? She’s 19. That’s not young.

      *The Not Verbally Told the Focus. Only 2 fal’Cie in the entire game can speak. This is actually a plot point, though again, dumped in the datalog. They can’t talk, their minds are alien, and they interface with one clumsily at best. As soon as they meet one who CAN tell them their focus out loud… HE DOES! BOOM! Problem solved!

      *He skips over the Nautilus chapter. Um, that’s the part where it gets revealed the catalyst that set off this entire tragedy, and how it’s basically all Vanille’s fault. It’s the turning point of the story, and he skips over it to go back to complaining about trivial gameplay details.

      *The Crystarium. Yes it’s boring. Yes, it’s meta. So is every leveling system in Final Fantasy. Tell me, what in-game rational does “levels” have? How do characters automatically learn brand new spells and abilities at the end of every fight? Why do towns in FF1-4 always have increasingly better gear as you come to them in the story just in time for the next dungeon? Shouldn’t they all have the same supplier?

      See, I can do it too, and I can do it well-loved classics held up as above reproach. I’m sorry, I don’t see any difference between “mystical martial artist” being able to suplex a train, and some guy in a superpowered jacket punching out machines. Hell, I didn’t see anyone ranting about TIFA in FFVII and she has no special powers beyond “trained martial artist.” I’m sorry, the double standard here is galling.

      It reminds me a friend of mine, who hates Joss Whedon because of “Waif Fu.” IE he has these tiny female characters who kick the butts of people way bigger than them. It’s pointed out, they have superpowers, but it doesn’t matter. He’ll go on about physics and mass and inertia and on and on and on, about how its impossible.

      Guess what, he LOVES the Fifth Element. I finally called him out on the double standard. His response? Well Lee-loo never tries to wield a weapon while doing, and she’s some kind of super-warrior. Yeah. it’s okay because SHE has super-powers, and he loves the Fifth Element. But he decided early on, he hated Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and used that as his justification.

      Suffice to say, it was all I could to not roll my eyes so hard they popped out of my sockets. (And for the record, I’d be fine if he didnt’ like the show because of its writing , or tone, or acting; but that… that is not a reason. )

      Wow, I’ve digressed.

      My point is that the problem with nitpicking is that you can destroy ANYTHING given enough effort and mental gymnastics, and I’ve grown tired of it. FFXIII is a poorly executed game. I won’t argue that. But this review touched on its REAL problems back in Part 2, and then rather than following the story, or explaining any of the character motivations, it focuses mainly on a lot of minor details and picking them apart to fill the time. It didnt’ need 4 parts to do this. And then just to give up? *sighs*

      I hope he takes a nice long rest from video games, and comes back to the genre refreshed one day, because for the first time, I’ve been really disappointed in one of his “multipart” works.

      • Daniel2112

        Spoony is not immune to hypocrisy. Also, his reviews are done from the standpoint of a character who is an exaggeration of the man who is Noah Antwiler. I’m both defending and not defending him. He’s done bone-headed, irritating things, both in and out of character. So have I. So have you. He just does it on the internet for everyone to see and judge. In short, he isn’t perfect, but he doesn’t seriously claim to be.

      • Acuman Bearstorm

        I am still not buying the superpowered robe thing. Still not buying the robes (if they are for criminals, why do they look so exquisite?). Still not buying the “cannot talk” thing because, well, that’s a cheap excuse which raises ten more questions.

    • Rakkrakk

      Thing is… when Metroid Prime and Mass Effect did the datalog thing it was a clever way to make the world more immersive without beating the casual gamers over the head with the wooden hammer of exposition. In FF13 it is an ABSOLUTE requirement to get even half of the plot. That is horrible storytelling and gamedesign right there.

    • Daniel2112

      Spoony the Reviewer is a character. Noah the man almost certainly shares many opinions with Spoony, but I genuinely doubt he’s as vicious in his denunciation of those who like things he doesn’t like as Spoony is. More likely he just doesn’t care if you like something he doesn’t like.

  • JollySam

    “Special thanks to the fans! For all your patience. This game really sucked.”

    Yes, and you never played it, did you Spoony? This footage is from Shaun (or was it Bennett?) As usual, you did jack.
    Even fans as rock-stupid and pathetic as yours are beginning to catch on now.


    I’ve also got a BA in English and I think you’re pulling this nonsense out your ass.

    • Andrew Releford

      Until you cite valid points your response is invalid.


        None of this comes from the game. It’s just shit you’re making up to explain things that don’t get explained in the game.

        And how are you proposing that the l’Cie are crystal-based life forms? I don’t see any evidence of that.

        • SUPERSOUP

          Actually that’s probably wrong; I forgot that everything is fucking crystals in Final Fantasy now.

          • Mark Reddman

            Final Fantasy 1: 4 warriors each bearing a crystal that must be purified. Final Fantasy 7: Materia is the energy of the planet crystallized in physical form.

            There’s a LOT of crystal related imagery throughout the series. Maybe the creator of the series was one of those new-age people.

    • Sajeh

      Sorry about that, I didn’t notice someone already did my job. Justice prevails!… This guy can’t be homosexual and make such a troll comment without it being a coincidence…. it is plausible, but plausible things never happens. So, it’s a troll comment, and people upvoted that shit.

  • Anon

    Well… I do like the music at least.

  • ToruKun1

    Shame. SHAME ON FAMITSU and SHAME on Japanese gamers in general for loving this awful awful game. I could maybe understand FF10 getting a “BEST GAME EVAR OF ALL TIEM” award (if only due to nostalgia, even though back then I hated the sphere grid and couldn’t understand the plot) but THIS!??? THIS!??? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU

    • Rakkrakk

      Well, the sells for 13-2 and 13-3 got worse and worse with each release in Japan. So you’re basically being mad at fewer and fewer people.

      Also by now FF 13 is cheap as f*ck. Anyone with any kind of salary can afford it by now. And that’s saying something in regards to the prices for games in Japan.

  • PotDBeef

    are you going to subject yourself to the sequel? cause if you are you’ll have to do it live so when you do snap we’ll get a faithful representation of anyone with two function brain cells going insane over the amount of dumbassery involved in XIII’s “story”

  • Daniel Tilson

    Bacon in a milkshake…. What kind of milkshake we talking about? It wouldn’t be bad in a vanilla shake… but it wouldn’t be very good in chocolate…

    • Sajeh

      “It wouldn’t be bad in a vanilla shake…” Yes it would, and what the fuck are you doing in my world?

  • DeepthroatGhoul

    I did say that Spoony was surpised that Hope was OK after Snow shielded him from their fall off the building at the end of the previous part, and I was right.

    Like Spoony said, that fall was way worse than getting ejected from a crashing airplane.

    Also, as far as milking RPG franchises until they’re dry goes, at least Konami had the right idea with the Suikoden franchise by making only five games (as well as Suikoden Tactics for PS2) and then calling it a day.

    • Manuel Wolf

      i don’t think that’s all there is too it.
      take a look at the tales of series for example. the first game was for the snes and the series is now 15 years old with tons of main installments and side titles.
      that franchise is being milked too and, although usually being favourably reviewed, is frequently critized for “lacking innovative features” whenever a game makes it to the west.
      the only thing that has noticably changed over the years is the combat system and that ammounted to turning a 2-d beat’em up with roleplaying elements into a 3-d one, but that adherence to tradition has fans always coming back.
      final fantasy on the other hand always tries something new and when that backfires people bash it relentlessly because “it’s not nearly as good as final fantasy *your favourite roman numeral here*”
      judged on its own merits the game would be okay. not perfect, but still pretty decent.
      the way things are, they pissed off the fans by changing too much (and as we know at that point it becomes BETRAYAAAL!!!) and have managed to destroy almost all the weight the brand name once carried.

  • Kinigget

    you’re fucking with me right?
    You didn’t actually just call Bioshock Infinite a “cut and dried first-person shooter” right?
    Look, given what you said about Dark Souls (and that game is *entirely* too preoccupied with being brutally difficult if you ask me (what’s the point if you can’t progress?)) you seem to disregard the story a bit right? Doing so with Bioshock Infinite is a *massive* mistake. (and then there’s the AI controlling Elizabeth, but I digress). While Infinite’s gameplay may be fairly standard, it’s the story where that game truly shines. The whole thing is about the illusion of choice, and how all roads lead to the same destination.

    • Rakkrakk

      The thing with Dark Souls is… It’s like the very first castlevania in the sense that it is so extremely hard to beat that having 100% is legitimate bragging rights. The point of the game is to be nigh impossible to beat. It’s supposed to be this insanely hardcore and to only appeal to people who make the nightmare-difficulty of more casual games their standard.


    The votes are not so bad if you see them as fractions…

  • SmartApps

    Some people who liked this game will be mad at you, but unfortunately you are right on every single point that you made. I have some similar problems with Final Fantasy XIV ARR spells. They are flashy and don’t look very different from one another, its really hard to appreciate what is going on.

  • Matt Flohre

    Which Final Fantasy game was it that he showed with the “great job system”? The clip is at 6:04 to 6:07.

  • Steven Knelsen Millett

    Insano’s upgrading process almost made me vomit. Bravo!

  • L1nk1

    So fal’Cie named Barthandelus is actually voiced by the same guy who voiced Reynolds from SWAT 4. OH MY GOD.

    • Xirix Lunara

      Really? Dear lord… that’s frikken awesome.

  • SuperNerd000 .

    Been a fan a long time and rewatching this, I signed up just to say… holy shit, Spoony, with that Dr. Insano skit on the upgrading. Even I was gagging just watching it.

    Talk about suffering for your art.

    • CrotaroLP

      Was gonna post the exact same thing, until I saw you already did^^

      Spoony, you’re the best and most awesomest international reviewer I know and I find it just stunning, almost giving me tears(but not of frustration^^), what you do to make us smile, grin, beam and eventually laugh as much as Dr. Insano :)

  • Guest

    Yeah that part just made me do a massive face palm. If the Fal’Cie are able to talk, then why the heck did we have to go through all that crap of the main characters “not knowing their Focus”? I guess they just like having their charges not know anything about something that they yearn for every day of their existence. Just brilliant.

  • Sajeh

    I would like to make a game, leave inconsistencies and weird things around, just so that one day Spoony would review it, and I would laugh at how hard he has been trolled. So easy to troll people these days….

  • Sajeh

    “There’s a BLACK guy running around with weapons and hitting on young age girls.”

    Is that something only Americans understand? I don’t see the reason to mention that he is black. Are you trying to reach southern racists from the 1970’s?

    • Mike Lee

      It’s commentary on the stereotype that the GAME is portraying. Sensitive much?

      • Sajeh


        Ok, it is my fault, I didn’t express myself well enough, I kind of expected not to be understood. Are the game designers intentionally (say so themselves?) portraying a stereotype? You see a black guy with guns in an amusement park with a white girl… and so what? Don’t percieve things like what you think people want you to, percieve things like you were an alien visiting earth, like you just were born. Final Fantasy is ment to be another world right? Well, then the human assumption of stereotypes, don’t apply there.

        I see that Spoony obviously made a joke that appealed to our stereotype of a black guy. I am not sensitive, you can call me anything you want, think of me as anything you want, why would I give a shit. Funny assumption you made.

        I am not saying anyone here is racist, I am just saying that Spoony made an obscure reference to black stereotypes. It just made me confused, not amused.

        Spoony makes a joke that appeals to our stereotype: We know how some americans back in the days, were uncomfortable with seeing a black guy around a white girl, if some people still do today, they are pretty fucked up, because there is no reason to. I mean, how can you even leave the house withour trusting anyone at all? I know who! A racist southern state stereotype from <1950. So, we, the viewers of this video, are pretty much decent people from what I can make out, how should we in any way get amused from that joke? You ask yourself: "Does Spoony think we are that stupid? Interesting… it wasn't funny either, so what and why? Do Spoony mean that the people in the amusement park should be alert for no reason?"

  • Sajeh

    “I myself holding a BA in English and Creative Writing–I understand your
    complaints with the completely shitty writing that Nomura and his team
    has done with this game.”

    The titles people can achieve these days, I like how you mention it like it is actually a thing. Watch out, we got a badass over here!

    “…and to make words sciency-sounding.”

    No shit… the world thank you for studying so hard in English and Creative Writing. What could we possibly have done without you mentioning that! (I like how you use the word “plausible” like you’re a scientist or something, no, just no.

    “Sazh’s twin pistols could plausibly be explained…”

    Oh it could? You thought about this shit and wrote a wall of text about it? Wauw, just wauw.

    11 Up votes, wauw, people suck.

    crystogenetics? That word doesn’t exist, or atleast someone on the internet haven’t used it before, I guess BA in English makes you that special case of bullshit:

    (I am wasting my time here pointing out that this guys has wasted time, and everyone reading his post is wasting their time. Thank me later)

  • Jonathan Andersson

    Looks like TeamXbox had the only honest review.

    Then again, anyone who’s played this game beyond a weekend could’ve seen the glaring flaws.

    Localization is also a very weak excuse.

    • Rakkrakk

      Especially since Skyrim(The most open world non-mmo roleplaying game aside from previous installments of the same franchise) sold over 100000 copies in Japan, that is a LOT for something that wasn’t developed in Japan or Korea.

  • Friv 2 Friv 4

    There are nice little character development scenes in there too, where
    the characters bask in the wondrous joys of nature and develop a more
    positive outlook on life. It’s overall a really beautiful place.

  • sakusakusakura_nyo

    I can’t wait for Spoony’s XIII-2 review!

  • Kuntos

    I’m surprised Spoony hasn’t gotten into the EXTREMELY obnoxious shitfest of farming that Squeenix did for gil in this game too…..first game that made a platinum trophy feel VERY unworth aiming for. :I

  • Budgiecat

    Really need to review XIII-2 and Lightning Returns when it comes out. And oh my GOD the ending to Lightning Returns lol

    Lets just say……Captain Planet much?

    • Brandters

      Yeah, but what if Lightning returns actually is a good game? Just saying, I really don’t think that will happen but what if? ;).

  • Racecarlock

    I really think reviewers should stop promising to make reviews of certain products. Especially when no follow ups end up getting made for years. Wouldn’t it be easier just to make it a surprise? And you wouldn’t have people hounding you about progress either.

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    They’re all crystals and their exterior designs is their shells but that doesn’t mean they all look the same.

  • Sir Christopher McFarlane

    I liked the License Grid.

    • Grace Soriano

      At least the license grid gave you options.

      • Rakkrakk