Ultima 7, Part 2: Serpent Isle

The Spoony One | May 27 2011 | more notation(s) | 

The Avatar attempts to balance Order and Chaos before the conflict rends reality asunder. But the Guardian and Batlin have other plans… And Iolo becomes Dr. Insano.

  • http://twitter.com/neongr3nmachine Anton larsson-Auna

    good

  • Anonymous

    It looks like you’re playing the game using Exult – don’t blame you one bit.  But fortunately, Exult DOES allow you to add a background to the font (At least the current 1.4.9rc1 does).  You can’t change the font, but you CAN render it easier to read.

  • http://bwmedia.wordpress.com/ ShadowWing Tronix

    I’m not sure what disturbs me more about the last couple of items in the Spoony Avatar’s backpack; the fact that Spoony owns them or that I know what they are.

  • Anonymous

    Man, you weren’t kidding about Lord British – I figured getting rid of all the bobbits and fizzies and whatnot was perhaps just some early missteps from the guy, but it never ends with him

  • Anonymous

    Don’t think I didn’t notice that Bible Black DVD, pervo!

  • http://www.facebook.com/hannah.shawwilliams Hannah Shaw-Williams

    Err, is it just me or did Spoony move his cursor over the serpent ring at 15:23?

    • Anonymous

      Twas a reenactment, not an actual recording.

  • Anonymous

    4:34 it’s Frog’s theme from Chrono Trigger! Awesome

    • Joni Johnston

      I could agree with this comment more :D Frog’s Theme = Epic!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

    I’m not sure if you noticed, Spoon, but I saw the Serpent Ring in your backpack. Maybe you were just showing it for irony purposes?

    • http://www.facebook.com/CountZeroOr Alexander Case

      I got the impression that specific clip might have been from earlier in the game and done for purposes of giving you an idea of just how small the Serpent Ring is.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

        You could be right on that. It does work for the review though, doesn’t it?

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

        You could be right on that. It does work for the review though, doesn’t it?

  • Anonymous

    Wow, everybody noticed the serpent ring and no comment about the fleshlight?

    I’m a bit worried…

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

      Well it is Spoony we’re talking about. No offense to the guy but he does look like the kind of guy who’d buy one, and take it with him to get takeout.

      That’s a joke, by the way, don’t hate! *Laughs*

  • Anonymous

    Wow, everybody noticed the serpent ring and no comment about the fleshlight?

    I’m a bit worried…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1641579667 Henkjan Braaksma

    Just an idea, maybe they were busy partying and getting Castle Brittania encased in a huge blackrock dome?

    … Where DOES Underworld II fit in the timeline anyway, if at all? 

  • http://www.facebook.com/adam.b.waddell Adam Waddell

    Wait wait wait, did spoony just pull out a FLESHLIGHT? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thats hilarious. Omg i had to pause the video i was laughing so hard. Im working my way through Dragon Age: Origins right now and that game seems to be really influenced from the ultima series. I might just be too much of a western RPG noob to understand real influences but it seems like it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeff-Gwinnup/524674866 Jeff Gwinnup

    Your spear and Magic Helmet?

    “Magic Helmet?”

    Magic Helmet!

  • http://www.mibreviews.com The Man in Black

    We now know the real secret of why Spoony can not stand Final Fantasy X.

  • http://twitter.com/Lipidro Lipidro

    A fleshlight? Really? The Avatar must be lonely out there with those automotons.

  • Anonymous

    Now show us a re-enactment of how you lost your fleshlight.  :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Omnikus-Schlotter/100000373849732 Omnikus Schlotter

    Dude, you can totally see where you have the serpent ring (15:23). I’m guessing it was intentional XD

    Also: Dude, you have a pocket vag ^^?

  • Anonymous

    Why do you have Japanese gore porn and a Fleshlite? I just thought you were better than that.

    • Anonymous

      Bible Black is gore porn?  How do you figure?  The blood and violence in that one is only ever focused on to move the plot forward.  It’s not the focus for the actual porn parts.

      Let’s check our judgmental selves at the door.

    • Anonymous

      Bible Black is weak-sauce as far as guro pr0n is concerned.  I wish I didn’t know this.

      …cannot be unseen…

  • Anonymous

    Wow I can’t say I have failed that hard in a video game(the whole serpent ring thing), D&D however is a whole other bag of pigs.

  • Luna Sara

    The thing with the ring makes it sound like the game is a really realistic simulator of questing in a fantasy world. Come on, who would NOT lose a ring in all that mess? :D

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

      Well if you were an experienced adventurer you’d probably keep them on a loop of cord in a tied pouch. Ask any professional solider; organization is paramount and you learn it fast when you have to carry everything you own.

      • Anonymous

        Well, possibly. Then again, soldiers do not use flying carpets, do not carry swords and I don’t think they collect rings and other artefacts scattered around the world. And I am not sure if calling the characters in those game “soldiers” is really accurate. On the other hand, I don’t feel like starting that coversation.

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

          I know two words that will fix this problem so it never happens again Prince. Albert.

          • Anonymous

            Owwwwwwww!

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

             What?! He’d always know exactly where it was! *Laugh*

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Thomas-Bogosian/100000063000955 Gregory Thomas Bogosian

    So the one true religion of the Ultima universe has nothing to do with The Codex of Infinite Wisdom.  What use was that thing to anyone to begin with?  Where did it come from? How did gaining it affect Brittania and how did losing it affect the Gargoyles? Did the guardian write it to mislead the people of Sesaria and make them destroy each other fighting over it or trick them into following him?  Whats happening? Where am I? How did I get here?  Where can I get some decent curly fries?

  • http://www.facebook.com/nathaniel.dolynchuk Nathaniel Lorn William Dolynch

    Actually, losing the ring might not actually be your fault.  Amongst the other glitches of the game, one of them was that items would actually DISAPPEAR from your inventory.  Not often, but it would happen (never figured out why).  Usually you won’t actually notice untill you try to find an important item you collected earlier on.  This happened to me in The Black Gate, and thus I rage-quitted that one and never completed it.  

    Interestingly, I say WAS because the ultima 7 frontend/mod Exult fixes that along with many other errors that made the game very rageworthy.  Also making it playable on new operating systems.

  • Anonymous

     What? No Cobra Commander turning into a snake jokes (“I was a man. Was a man!”)?

    I remember playing this one and getting creeped out by the people walking around without their skin. That’s some messed up imagery!

  • http://www.facebook.com/RTRicharii Richard Richardson

    This was a good review!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ulla-Siltanen/100001467263945 Ulla Siltanen

     I was thinking about turning off the computer and actually reading for my university entrance exams. Then I saw this review on my RSS feed and wasted about an hour with the loading and the stuff I did while it loaded and watching… And I don’t regret at all. Spoony + Ultima is a combination that beats education. Loved the review, and now I’m really off to study.

  • Anonymous

    I smiled when I heard the P4 battle music.  It’s been a while since I heard that last.

    Great review, Noah!  Hilarious!

    Also, lolz @ the fleshlite.

    • Anonymous

      I lost track of whatever was said when it started playing.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, P4′s the only Persona game I’ve played, but I’m eager for P5.  I was really impressed with the voice acting, and I enjoyed the moderately high level of difficulty in a JRPG.  It’s something I don’t get to see very often.

        Overall, very enjoyable experience.  But I also have that goddamn battle music so deeply spread over every crevice of my brain that I believe it has melded–Vulcanically, if you will–with my mind.

        Also, in recognition of your avatar, I should point out that I <3 Rise the most.  :3

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, it’s one of those songs that just gets imbedded in your brain, mostly because it’s playing all the time. Hell, even P3′s is still stuck, I can almost hear the BABY-BABY-BABY..

          Rise is so damn cute, every time she was all “Oh, Senpai!” I was all HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG

          • Anonymous

            Chie is far superior but Rise is a good second.

  • Shawn Geissler

    “cover my love junk in catnip and teabag a horny lion” made me spit up my drink…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Roler-Dark/100000545592088 Roler Dark

    once again i can’t help but think that both of the lord british’s (real life and the character) must really love being complete douchebags towards you(the player)

    i mean seriously, no matter where the avatar goes, no matter what he does, no matter who is he trying to save, or it doesn’t matter if he just wants to mind his own busines…

    ALL THE TIME HE ENDS UP BEING SCREWED OVER

    sometimes i wonder if this ultima series is just an elaborate plan of epic proportions to troll players all around the world

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Edward-Graham-Peeler-Jr/1602215514 Edward Graham Peeler Jr.

    Great job Spoony.  The game looks really good.  I really want to play it now but I do think my eyes would glaze over after awhile too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jbhaslach John Barton Haslach

    Sweet fancy moses, finally. that was great.

  • Anonymous

    ahhh..now I undestand the opening to Pagan U. VIII..I remember starting it for the first time “Nice Pentagram..holy shit! a hands coming out there!! That’s awesome!”…can’t wait :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/William-Mason/100000832194730 William Mason

    I saw a movie poster for Fist of the North Star (aka the movie where Kenshiro gets his ass kicked by Big Van Vader) in the background. Will you be reviewing that movie? I’d like to see that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nille.paulson Nils Paulson

    All i could think of when i heard order and Chaos was Warhammer 40k.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nille.paulson Nils Paulson

    All i could think of when i heard order and Chaos was Warhammer 40k.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000294104628 Markus Holm

    Really want to, what’s the name of the song playing in the credits. Been searching and can’t find it anywhere :(

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Alden/100000469737019 Christopher Alden

      “Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)” by Cobra Starship

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000294104628 Markus Holm

        Thanks alot mate! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000294104628 Markus Holm

    Really want to, what’s the name of the song playing in the credits. Been searching and can’t find it anywhere :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000294104628 Markus Holm

    Double-post mistake, my apologies!

  • http://www.facebook.com/michelle.brydon Michelle Brydon

    Great review! Definitely worth the wait lol. The Ultima series looks like a lot of fun, but really frustrating at the same time. So I’ll stick to watching you play :P And I must say, those serpent earrings look lovely on you.

    … is Burton wearing a tiny crown?

  • http://www.facebook.com/michelle.brydon Michelle Brydon

    Great review! Definitely worth the wait lol. The Ultima series looks like a lot of fun, but really frustrating at the same time. So I’ll stick to watching you play :P And I must say, those serpent earrings look lovely on you.

    … is Burton wearing a tiny crown?

  • Princess Stabbity

    Fantastic review.
    Damn, that micromanaging system would cause my brain to explode. How can anyone actually deal with that through the entire game and not just stop playing entirely? Insanity I tell you.. and not the fun kind.

  • http://twitter.com/BigPuppy_Stuart Stuart Phip

    Had no idea the ultimate warrior was so kinky. 

  • http://twitter.com/BigPuppy_Stuart Stuart Phip

    Had no idea the ultimate warrior was so kinky. 

  • Anonymous

    OH GOD, Ultimate Warrior is haunting me!  I’m sorry I drew that Rule 34 image of you about to get pegged as revenge for raping Santa, I’m sorry, don’t hurt me, Warrior!

    But seriously, anything Warrior-Related just reeeaaally creeps me out these days, heh…and speaking of which, I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t see some of the “searching” contents during the Serpent Ring bit…this has been a weird week, heh!

    Damn I love these Ultima videos.  Really thought I was going to get Fucking Chuckles again though, damn! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Josh-McClary/504395847 Josh McClary

    Great Review Spoony! Could have done without seeing the Fleshlite though…

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/IXJMIHEAY5JL6LOQCY7T3JNZSI eeeeeeee

    So you bought a fleshlight for 1 gag eh….oh…Oh…um….nevermind.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/IXJMIHEAY5JL6LOQCY7T3JNZSI eeeeeeee

    So you bought a fleshlight for 1 gag eh….oh…Oh…um….nevermind.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sure he’s spent more on worse.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jack-Donald/547723767 Jack Donald

    Woah, is it just me or did Spoony’s summary of Lord British’s activities that led to the creation of the civilisation on the Serpent Isles make him sound more badass than Emperor Palpatine?!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_DXN3RWA2T6Z3EGK4FMAJZ7Q2UQ Eze Anyanwu

    The only people that could possibly help you understand the mindset of the ophidians would have to be “the men that time forgot” — Amasis, Ophidian, Hieracon, and maybe even Escorpio Egiptico — The Osirian Portal.  Be careful though, they use hypnosis!

  • Anonymous

    Am I the only one who thinks it odd that Spoony’s Avatar was wearing a MEXICAN sombrero while holding a bottle of CANADIAN whiskey?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Senzamici/100001404072410 Nick Senzamici

       Honestly thought I was the only one who noticed that.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Senzamici/100001404072410 Nick Senzamici

       Honestly thought I was the only one who noticed that.

  • http://twitter.com/CedarMusketeer Bryan Gardner

    Amazing review Spoony, I really love the Froggy, I mean serpent armor, for that one bit.  The reaction to the Fleshlight an Lube was just too funy as well, and what do you plan on doing with all that beef jerky?  I can’t wait for the continuing adventures of the Avatar.  All I can say is at least this isn’t that M Night Shamlyan film.

  • Unny Gorey

    Waiiit… Spoony has a fleshlight?

  • Logondo

    Nice use of “Meat Circus” from Psychonauts OST during the scene where you lose the ring. (And I bet you thought no one would notice.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wiebe-Schuurbiers/100002049858447 Wiebe Schuurbiers

    Good job! Looking forward to Ultima 8 Pagan review and finally the illustrious Ultima IX Ascension allready…

  • http://twitter.com/UnusualStew Shannon P

    Lol, fleshlight! Hee, yes, I am immature. 

    Love this series, Spoony, I never get tired of seeing you play the goddam avatar. The costume suits you!

  • Anonymous

    Ultima 7- approved by the Royal Society of Putting Things on Top of Other Things.

  • Anonymous

    Ultima 7- approved by the Royal Society of Putting Things on Top of Other Things.

  • Anonymous

    No Randy Savage cameo?

    • Anonymous

      He already did the Ultima: Underworld review :P

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597188549 W.d. Daughenbaugh

    Great review spoony, just one thing though.  I watched this review twice and during the first time I know i saw the serpent ring was in one of the chests.  But after watching it a second time that part is gone?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597188549 W.d. Daughenbaugh

    ha i knew it you edited out footage of the two battle axes in a chest with the serpent ring :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Alden/100000469737019 Christopher Alden

    Spoony… what the hell are you doing with a fleshlight?

    • Anonymous

      I’m just going to assume he hits Fucking Chuckles over the head with it. 

      Because my mind won’t allow me to think anything different.

  • http://twitter.com/ChuckZ85 Chuck Lohse

    I honestly didn’t expect to see a fleshlight in this video.  That was both funny and not surprising that the quote/unquote “Avatar” would have in his inventory, considering all the other odd items he’s had in previous games…..such as a hoe or spaceship.  I’m curious to hear what Spoony thinks of Ultima Online though or if he’s even played it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dane-Winton/1658182428 Dane Winton

    SPEAR AND MAGIC HEEEELMET!?!!?!?

  • Anonymous

    Wait, was that… Bible Black? >_> Oh Spoony, you pervert you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/AishaLove Aisha Kegawa

    wow, you have a flesh light? and your not scared to show it? wow *shakes hand knowing it is clean* that’s balls, you sir are a man!

  • http://www.facebook.com/AishaLove Aisha Kegawa

    wow, you have a flesh light? and your not scared to show it? wow *shakes hand knowing it is clean* that’s balls, you sir are a man!

  • Anonymous

    Now there needs to be a video of Lord British and Bella Swan battling it out for the title of “Most Evil Character”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alycia-Shedd/100000532232854 Alycia Shedd

    Clearly, the Earth Serpent is True Neutral and just doesn’t give a shit.

  • Anonymous

    Oh cool you used footage from Kikoskia’s videos. His Let’s Plays are awesome. Especially his X-Com ones.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matt-Flohre/538885031 Matt Flohre

    “How should I prepare yourself, you may ask, Hulk Hogan. Should I cover my love-junk in catnip and teabag a horny lion?”

    Holy shit. I fell out of my chair and onto the floor and laughed for a good 5 minutes before I could continue after seeing that part.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matt-Flohre/538885031 Matt Flohre

    “How should I prepare yourself, you may ask, Hulk Hogan. Should I cover my love-junk in catnip and teabag a horny lion?”

    Holy shit. I fell out of my chair and onto the floor and laughed for a good 5 minutes before I could continue after seeing that part.

  • Anonymous

    Damnit, Spoony. I’d like to not have to go play through Ultima 7 every fourth video you post.

    All’s said, I’m interesting in seeing what Ultima 8 is like beyond the five minutes I can play of it before vomiting profusely. And I really can’t wait for your review of Ultima 9, which I stockholm syndromed all over before I knew better. Which was approximately the time leading up to the first dungeon.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_RWFD32FXA6K73LQOWBRHY6WMWE Nerem

    No one noticed Reach Out To The Truth playing at all?

    • Anonymous

      Seeing as how Persona 4 is all time favorite RPG I feel ashamed for missing it. When’s it playing?

      • Anonymous

        About 7:18 in, when he first starts talking about the Serpents.

    • Anonymous

      “Excellent. I shall dub you… Robo-Iolo.”

      One of my favorite lines in the whole LP.

  • Anonymous

    The Ophidians. Sounds Star Trek-ish :D 

  • Anonymous

    Whoa, Spoony, man… dare I ask why you keep your lube and Fleshlight so close to that Riona figurine?

    Putting aside from the horrible images that thought has filled my mind with, is there anywhere I could find a more detailed summery of the Ultima games? Your reviews make their plots sound amazing, but all the game play videos make the games themselves look incredibly dull and tedious. I’m not sure if they’re just dated or the more flashy and streamlined RPGs of the current generation have influenced my expectations or what, but I really can’t bring myself to want to actually play any of these games..

    • Anonymous

      I dunno where you can find an actual detailed synopsis per se, but a nice place to experience the story of Ultima by a somewhat “unorthodox” lens is the legendary Ultima LPs by Nakar:

      http://lparchive.org/Ultima-4-5-and-6/
      http://lparchive.org/Martian-Dreams/
      http://lparchive.org/Ultima-VII-The-Black-Gate/
      http://lparchive.org/Ultima-VII-Part-2-Serpent-Isle/

      Like most “revisionist” LPs, these follow the plots of the games in a general sense (these in particular go in quite some detail) but add in a bunch of stuff that anyone with a brain can tell is not part of the actual game such the Avatars’ characterization as a complete psycho and wacky off the wall stuff like SPOILER

      her killing everyone in Skara Brae with a cannon and later blowing the island itself off the map with a shitload of explosives or completely derailing the trail in Serpent Isle by calling Pharaoh Man, “Guy from Excite Bike” and THE GUARDIAN HIMSELF as witnesses

      END SPOILER

      but if you want to know more about the plot and get some laughs along the way, this is a good place to start.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Grzegorz-Wojtczyk/100000046280578 Grzegorz Wojtczyk

    Next stop the worst part of Ultima series Pagan which wasn’t even finished
    properly because Gorriott wanted to “appease stockholders”. Thanks to them a
    great RPG was reduced to simple hack and slash. Great job EA.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matthew-Foweraker/100000318540923 Matthew Foweraker

    16:45.

    I can only hope that this is not from your playthrough because the ring is right there…

    • Anonymous

      I’d assume it’s from his second playthrough, as I doubt he was video-capturing his original playthrough all those years ago.

    • Anonymous

      I’d assume it’s from his second playthrough, as I doubt he was video-capturing his original playthrough all those years ago.

  • http://thesharpening.blogspot.com/ Hellfish

    Dude, I was so expecting a clip from Monty Python’s “The Royal Society For Putting Things On Top Of Other Things”. You’ve let me down,spoon… You’ve let me down. ;)

    Also, no SKRONK?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

    Nice as always, Spoony, although I’m a bit bothered with the Ultimate Warrior; he didn’t sound like he usually does. Is the voiceacting you usually do with him really taxing on the vocal cords or something?

    Anyway, this was really fun to watch, especially the Serpent Ring breakdown. ;)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jovan-Stipic/1520802005 Jovan Stipic

    sooooo worth the wait,awesome spoony

  • Anonymous

    hey did anyone notice that the 3 snakes look like the hospital sign hmmm and OMG flesh light thats nasty 

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sean-Lincoln/503842752 Sean Lincoln

      It’s a caduceus you’re thinking of, which is commonly confused with the Rod of Asclepius, the traditional symbol of medicine. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/oejenbryn Oskar Mellor Hansen

    You sure do love your frogs theme

  • http://www.facebook.com/foxholeboy Patrick Whoremaster Wilson

    So are we just going to ignore the fact that Spoony owns a fleshlight?

    • Anonymous

      I came in here to freak out about that! I can’t see Spoony the same anymore…he’s no longer innocent..

      • Anonymous

        I’m more concerned about the Bible Black DVD… But it’s okay, no matter what freaky shit you’re into Spoony, you’re review was awesome and hilarious. 

      • Anonymous

        I’m more concerned about the Bible Black DVD… But it’s okay, no matter what freaky shit you’re into Spoony, you’re review was awesome and hilarious. 

        • http://twitter.com/der_wahnsinn Bob Seiler

          benzaie…

    • Anonymous

      I’d laugh pretty hard if Spoony bought it just for this review. Maybe he borrowed it from someone?

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

        Would YOU touch someone else’s fleshlight?

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

        Would YOU touch someone else’s fleshlight?

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

        Would YOU touch someone else’s fleshlight?

      • Ceherz

        i think it’s pretty amazing how men are “not allowed” to have any toys at home ;). real men watch porn! of course!

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Vladamire-Dracos/100000924759461 Vladamire Dracos

        I don’t know which thought is more disturbing, Spoony with a fleshlight, or Spoony with a BORROWED fleshlight.

        … The second one, of course. ;p The first one doesn’t bother me at all.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matthew-Robertson/509527036 Matthew Robertson

          It’s like a vibrator, for men.

  • Anonymous

    The first ULTIMA game I ever played was PAGAN for the PC.   

    It sucked.   

    All I did was kill guards to steal their money.  I climbed on walls and threw bombs down at them.  There was nothing they could do, because the AI was retarded.  I saved up money to buy better swords, which were used to kill more guards.  You couldn’t attack innocent civilians, because a stupid cleric would instantly appear and destroy you.  You could kill as many guards as you wanted, though.  Monsters?  There were 3 I could remember:

    -1 brightly colored spider
    -1 retarded zombie
    -1 changling that could become an exact copy of the you, without your weapons, so it sucked

    It was a very crappy game.  It started out with you watching some random dude getting his head cut-off.  The guards just walk off and leave the body there.  They don’t give a shit.  Just like the developers who made the game.   

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kenneth-John-Taylor/839205050 Kenneth John Taylor

    I know it’s a plot hole and the game doesn’t explain it very well (mostly because EA yanked the dev time/team short which resulted in a rushed second half of the plot where everyone dies instead of everyone being corrupted which is what SHOULD have happened… so blame EA for the glitchy problems, but I digress), so I don’t blame Spoony for the misunderstanding, as I was confused about it too the first time I played, buuuut…

    THE GUARDIAN DOES NOT KILL BATLIN. THE BANES KILL BATLIN.

    The Guardian has a protective barrier around Batlin at all times making him essentially immortal, which is why he can’t be killed in U7. In SI, Batlin seeks to use the banes of the Chaos Serpent to enter the Wall of Lights and merge into a God, much like what happens with Dupre later on. This wasn’t his original intention — he started off gathering powerful/magical/blackrock Ophidian artifacts for the Guardian’s counter-offensive but in his travels learns that way back in the ancient War of Imbalance, the Chaos Serpent was ripped out of the void by the armies of Order, split into three parts (corrupting them into the banes) and imprisoned in the Temples of Order. He miscalculates that by putting them back together he can harness their power to ascend to divinity, and he keeps these plans hidden from The Guardian.

    When the Avatar arrives at the Wall of Lights, Batlin openly declares his intentions and in response to his betrayal the Guardian removes his protection. Batlin becomes mortal, the
    banes break free of their prisons and kill him. In typical Guardian fashion, he gets in one last taunt, not for the Avatar, but for Batlin.

    This game’s original plot would have made much more sense before all the budget/dev cuts. Not that this makes much sense now.

    And I agree that the puzzles were more frustrating than hard (putting things on things, switches and teleporters)….. but they’re nowhere near as bad as the pixel-pushing insanity that was Pagan. All gripes were justified. I’ve never been able to get through this game without a walkthrough (I bought the strategy guide back in the day)… just because it’s very much an incomplete game that cut way too many corners, scenes and dialogue, causing all sorts of plot holes, glitches, bugs and gameplay errors/anomalies (anyone stumble across the ghost of the Chaos Hierophant in that burned down shack north of Sleeping Bull way too early in the game? You’ll break the game if you talk to him)… once again, blame EA.

    • Anonymous

      “THE BANES KILL BATLIN.”

      Oh great, now I have the image of an army of large men in luchadore masks breaking Batlin’s back.

    • http://spoonyexperiment.com The Spoony One

      Yeah, I ran into the ghost of the Chaos Heirophant as well when I first played the game.  Ironically enough, it was probably THAT, and not the loss of the Serpent Ring, that rendered the game unwinnable.

      You’re also correct that the Banes kill Batlin, but the storytelling is very unclear.  You almost have to read the strategy guide to even know what the villains’ motives are.  I’m still not sure what the Guardian’s intentions were, although I suppose it also involved harnessing the power of the Serpents.

      Another thing that I found quite bizarre was the complete lack of characterization expressed by your companions once you’ve restored their sanity after being possessed by the Banes.  Once you free their minds, they just act as if nothing had happened and happily join your party.  But suddenly Dupre is overcome with remorse and hurls himself into an oven.  No foreshadowing, no discussion beforehand.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kenneth-John-Taylor/839205050 Kenneth John Taylor

        From what I understand, the idea was to open the Wall of Lights and allow the Guardian to come through it just like The Black Gate. Then he would conquer Serpent Isle and use it as a base of operations to invade Britannia.

        (the Guardian doesn’t care about the Serpents. What does imbalance mean to him? They can wallow in the void for all he cares)

        Batlin only needed the blackrock serpents to open Wall of Lights. His quest for the banes was an unneeded detour (first he released them, then he needed to track them down. One possessed Gwenno, one possessed Cantra, and I forget where the third went, but he got them all evidently). Guardian probably suspected something was up when he noticed Batlin dicking around in the Temples of Order, and waited to see what he would do next. He still needed Batlin’s help, after all.

        Once again, all the dialogue/plot/quests/etc. in the second half of the game were severely truncated. The townsfolk were supposed to be corrupted by the banes, and the Avatar had to go to each city and free the people by chasing the accordant bane out of town. And THEN they showdown at the Castle of the White Dragon. As it was, EA forced strict budget cuts on the dev team, and there was no time to write any new dialog or quests….. so they decided to scrap that part of the plot and just have the banes kill everyone.

        You can tell that the last portion of the game is a severe rush job, and there’s a lot of dialog glitches — Cantra doesn’t have any new dialog when you cure her. She acts like nothing’s happened. Also, when Xenka shows up, instead of sending you out on quests like most people do, she just flat out tells you what you need to do, speeding things along.

        This was the beginning of the end for Origin. After this point, EA just slowly devoured the company until there was nothing left. SI would have been a truly epic game if they were given just a little more time to finish it.

        • Anonymous

          Indeed. I learned all of this through Nakar’s excellent and hilarious Let’s Play of this game (the last in a series starting with Ultima 4), and also apparently that Batlin used the wrong blackrock serpent in the ritual, which was apparently one of the reasons that it backfired and killed him.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Martin-Wilson/1061373959 Martin Wilson

          It’s a shame that they didn’t even manage to get the time/funding they needed in the expansion. In Silver Seed I remember reading that if you finish it late in the game, they imply that the Tree of Balance will restore people killed by the Banes. That would have been very cool (if undermining the mass murder aspect), but I guess they just never got the chance to implement it.

          Thanks for your insightful comments.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Martin-Wilson/1061373959 Martin Wilson

        I always figured that the Guardian’s plan went something like this;

        The War of Imbalance in the past created the Imbalance that is now tearin the world apart. However, this was held at bay when the forces of Order imprisoned the Banes. The world wasn’t exactly balanced, but things weren’t getting any worse.

        The Guardian’s plan was to free the banes, which would mean the world- or worlds- would eventually be destroyed (possibly only the worlds that are connected together. IIRC, Serpent Isle is actually supposed to be a place from Ultima III or something. Gorlab and Shamino’s Castle are the only things still around from that period). Presumably the Guardian had some sort of contingency plan for him to survive and/or rule over the ruins. Either that or he had just decided that if he couldn’t have Britannia, nobody would.

        So, to execute this plan he told Batlin to release the Banes and collect some of the plot important MacGuffins, knowing that Batlin would eventually try and betray him. The Guardian gave Batlin some information but not enough- essnetially giving him just enough rope to hang himself with. One of the main failings in Batlin’s plan is that he tries to use the wrong Blackrock Serpent to open the Wall of Lights (I forget which, but he’s either trying to use the order one in a chaos city, or vice-versa. And of course, when you try and stuff it into the wrong slot, it doesn’t end well). As a result, instead of passing through the Wall of Lights and becoming a God, he was killed by the Banes- and they got to run free, as per the Guardian’s plan.

        That was my take, anyway.

        Good review, I really enjoyed it. Serpent Isle is one of my favourite games of all time. I know it’s buggy as all hell, but I do love it, and the “Oh Shit” moment when you find 90% of the world’s population dead is pretty jawdropping. Will you do Silver Seed at all? I liked how it hints at Petra’s backstory.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Juha-Keranen/1004118273 Juha Keränen

    Hahaha, that bit where you search the ring…

    PRICELESS!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001092360817 Joshua Gibbons

    Kiko? In My Spoony? It’s more likely than you think…

  • Anonymous

    Awwwww, YEAH.

    THAT was awesome, Spoony.  Rollin’ the memories there.

  • http://www.facebook.com/natasha.bennett Natasha Bennett

    And so ends the good games of the Ultimate series…now it’s time for the bad!

  • Anonymous

    Eww, why do you have a fleshlight?

    • dennett316

      Ummm, I think it’s so he can have a wank.  Just guessing though.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andre-Aberg/677507600 André Åberg

    awesome Spoony!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    0:00 Can’t you get Happy Harry to whip up something better than your current intro flash? Seriously, Illwillpress does a better job with fucking Neurotically Yours, and those are just a bunch of talking heads from an animation sheet.

    17:14 Why does The Ultimate Warrior keep showing up in the Ultima reviews? And why is he wearing the Black Lantern logo on his shirt? Is Coke Zero Spoony coming back?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    0:00 Can’t you get Happy Harry to whip up something better than your current intro flash? Seriously, Illwillpress does a better job with fucking Neurotically Yours, and those are just a bunch of talking heads from an animation sheet.

    17:14 Why does The Ultimate Warrior keep showing up in the Ultima reviews? And why is he wearing the Black Lantern logo on his shirt? Is Coke Zero Spoony coming back?

    • http://twitter.com/Linkara19 Lewis Lovhaug

      Actually, the Ultimate Warrior is wearing a RED Lantern shirt – they’re all about rage and aggression.

  • http://www.facebook.com/elikal.ialborcales Elikal Ialborcales

    You Sir, are a douchbag. Serpent Isle was the best RPG ever.

  • http://twitter.com/Linkara19 Lewis Lovhaug

    Spoony told me he put that in there to show what it looked like (since the story of him losing it was referring to years ago), but that people kept misinterpreting it to mean he was an idiot and didn’t notice it, so he edited it out.

  • http://twitter.com/jankahl Jankahl

    “My second worst fear is eating a loaf of bread laced with rat poison but that seems unlikely to pass.”

    I see what you did there.

  • Anonymous

    A Bayou Billy shirt?
    Why would you contaminate yourself with such filth?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matthew-Ward/637183743 Matthew Ward

    …Where’d you get the fleshlight spoon?…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matthew-Ward/637183743 Matthew Ward

    …Where’d you get the fleshlight spoon?…

  • http://twitter.com/UnusualStew Shannon P

    Oh Jezus. In the midst of my immature gigglefest over the fleshlight, I somehow completely missed your adorable magic froggy earrings. *squees*

    • http://UnholyFireDragon.com Unholy Fire Dragon

      Ironically, I’m probably the only guy who noticed the earrings without noticing the fleshlight at all.

  • http://twitter.com/AJRimmer5 AJRimmer

    Spoony finally dons the Warrior’s makeup and brings out a fleshlight in the same review. Is there a connection? What does it mean? Is it some sort of code? Warning? Or have I simply been playing L.A. Noire too much?

  • Anonymous

    Why question the fleshlight and DVD? The Bible Black DVD and fleshlight aren’t a big deal. Hell, I bet a good number of people here have toys, and more power to you. ;)

    Here are the real questions: What is Spoony doing with a Rinoa doll and a bottle of White Castle Dusseldorf Mustard? Does it come before or after catnip-infused teabagging sessions with big cats? Does it involve putting things on top of other things? Why does he look so hot with earrings? Is that what causes the jesters in this game to explode? I need answers.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

      The answer is… werewolf queen! It’s always werewolf queen!

  • Anonymous

    Why question the fleshlight and DVD? The Bible Black DVD and fleshlight aren’t a big deal. Hell, I bet a good number of people here have toys, and more power to you. ;)

    Here are the real questions: What is Spoony doing with a Rinoa doll and a bottle of White Castle Dusseldorf Mustard? Does it come before or after catnip-infused teabagging sessions with big cats? Does it involve putting things on top of other things? Why does he look so hot with earrings? Is that what causes the jesters in this game to explode? I need answers.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Quintega Robert Carson

    I love how people keep questioning a Sex toy and Seriously Who gives a shit about bible Black hentai unlike porn can be watched for Story purposes. The major point is he is reviewing something people asked him to it is also sad that people will verbally attack him when he is doing what you asked. Reviews are not always pretty Also it gets annoying seeing all the complaints about his intro. Do any of you guys know how long and annoying a commission can take also maybe he just likes it. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001218463429 Tim House

    Warrior: (babbles about his black gate and world domination)
    Spoony: Well that was random (continues review)
    I love how Spoony is usually completely indifferent to the story events in his episodes, unless he is forced to deal with them.  Linkara is always trying to save the internet critic multiverse, and Spoony just wants everyone to leave so he can finish the review. :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001218463429 Tim House

    Warrior: (babbles about his black gate and world domination)
    Spoony: Well that was random (continues review)
    I love how Spoony is usually completely indifferent to the story events in his episodes, unless he is forced to deal with them.  Linkara is always trying to save the internet critic multiverse, and Spoony just wants everyone to leave so he can finish the review. :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Vaughan-MacDonald/100000473507885 Vaughan MacDonald

    16:04

    ew! ew! EWWWWWWWW!!!! I didn’t NOT want to see Spoony’s fleshlight!!!!! DX

    • Anonymous

       Given the 200 packs of jerky featured in this episode, my guess was that all of that, including that fancy mustard was just props he got specifically for this video

      • http://UnholyFireDragon.com Unholy Fire Dragon

        It was either that, or he’s got some kind of weird fetish going…
        I’d much rather think it was just props for the review.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_U2USEB5IHUX47Q2KOZ47AHZ5NE Matt

      “I didn’t NOT want to see Spoony’s fleshlight!!!!!”

      So you did want to see it?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matthew-Eis/1464941192 Matthew Eis

    lol, people need to chill the fuck out about the fleshlight. The fact of the matter is, 90% of you probably knock your junk around. It’s not a bad thing, welcome to the year 2011.

    Also I was waiting for the “I’m the god damn avatar line” the entire review. 

    • dennett316

      I think 90% is a conservative estimate…I think everyone has played pocket pool or double clicked their mouse at some point in their lives.

    • Anonymous

      Seems to me those comments were just joking or were friendly ribs. Geeze, Calm down. Welcome to the internet.

  • http://dragonacesg7.livejournal.com/profile Dragons_Dusk

    wow… a lot of those quests are like trying to get frickin’ anywhere in the RE games, especially some of the stuff from the first one… get this, put it there, just get that, put it in here and wait for this to fall, light this on fire to get this to go over there
    surprised you didn’t have to play a piano to get a wall to slide back (or did you? ;)

    nice SWAT 4 usage there hehe

    • Anonymous

      “wow… a lot of those quests are like trying to get frickin’ anywhere in the RE games.”

      I didn’t see one oddly shaped crank, animal emblem, or a long winded journal entry about itchy skin. So I guess that’s one point it has over RE.

      • http://dragonacesg7.livejournal.com/profile Dragons_Dusk

        very valid point XD

  • http://profiles.google.com/supersqualllee squall lee rhodes

    “No control or purpose in the clusterfuck battles other than choosing equipment.”

    So it’s like Final Fantasy XIII

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Karo-Gal/100000790948267 Karo Gal

      sounds about rightXD

    • Bob Zygala

      Not really- in Final Fantasy XIII you don’t really need to put too much thought into equipment, either.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ML3QQKMA53RW7HLO4EY2UI7M5Q John Redcorn

      Actually it’s like Final Fantasy XII. In XIII you have to switch paradigms and it actually requires you to press X to execute an attack. Where as in FFXII you can just set your gambits and literally watch the fights WITHOUT pressing anything.

      100% more like FFXII than XIII.

    • Anonymous

      You can control your battle in FFXIII, you just have the option to not :P auto-battle is an option, not a requirement. Ya silly people claiming like it was a bad thing. Not saying the game was good, it was just “ok” but ya, people who argue the auto-battle feature is what was bad are idiots (you aren’t necessarily doing that, but you’re inferring it).

  • http://profiles.google.com/supersqualllee squall lee rhodes

    “No control or purpose in the clusterfuck battles other than choosing equipment.”

    So it’s like Final Fantasy XIII

  • http://profiles.google.com/supersqualllee squall lee rhodes

    “No control or purpose in the clusterfuck battles other than choosing equipment.”

    So it’s like Final Fantasy XIII

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tom-van-Uijen/100000006112760 Tom van Uijen

    The Serpent Isle, brought to you by the Royal Society of putting things on top of other things.
    http://youtu.be/1f-kfRREA8M

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GUNHOWFO4DKVSITYS4S6QDZSK4 Austin

    The music playing when he looks for the serpent ring is from kirby! 8D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kelli-Corey/100000655764891 Kelli Corey

    Wow, didn’t realize people took these reviews seriously enough to get offended by pr0n or a sex toy.  It could have been much worse, really folks. 

    Also, looks like you’re losing weight Spoony One!  More power to you.

    And adorable froggy costume :3

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    0:00 Can’t you get Happy Harry to whip up something better than your current intro flash? Seriously, Illwillpress does a better job with fucking Neurotically Yours, and those are just a bunch of talking heads from an animation sheet.

    17:14 Why does The Ultimate Warrior keep showing up in the Ultima reviews? And why is he wearing the Black Lantern logo on his shirt? 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597188549 W.d. Daughenbaugh

      That’s the red lantern symbol, not the black lantern symbol on the Ultimate Warrior’s shirt

    • http://www.facebook.com/YourD Jordy Den Hartog

      ’17:14 Why does The Ultimate Warrior keep showing up in the Ultima reviews?’

      Did you miss the book that was shown just before the Ultimate Warrior showed up? The in-game one that was written by the Ultimate Warrior?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Natalie-Jones/100001438912549 Natalie Jones

    Is it just me or is the ‘like people do’ comment sad?

  • Anonymous

    This has to be the best Ultima review so far, aside from your others, which are great too.
    My favorite bit it either the, “Your in my way sir,” montage. Or when your searching through your bags, looking for the Serpent ring, and finally in a moment of frustration you scream, “FUCK!!!!!”
    Absolutely hilarious, keep up the great work as always Spoony, thanks again.

  • Geoffrey Walter

    I am really, really curious to know if the Fleshlight was in there just to see how far you could push the comments page, or if you just happened to have it lying around and said “Eh, what the hell.”

    • Anonymous

      What would be more hilarious?  That it’s his or that it isn’t his?

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000065433429 Sam Pagano

        I assume its his, how exactly would you ask someone to borrow their fleshlight for a video?

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000065433429 Sam Pagano

        I assume its his, how exactly would you ask someone to borrow their fleshlight for a video?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matthew-Gaia-Safa-Lintschinger/1652762167 Matthew Gaia Safa Lintschinger

    Monty python; the society of putting things on top of other things

    • Anonymous

       The Ministry of Silly Walks never really got off the ground.  Too many stairs.

  • http://www.spazoutloud.com/ SpazOutLoud

    Awesome review as always.

    When I saw the bra I thought “what is he gonna pull out a dildo?” Then I saw the fleshlight and couldn’t stop laughing. You’re full of surprises, man.

    That was a lot of jerky. ha!

  • Anonymous

    Wait, if they’re the Bane of something, shouldn’t they be the anti-whatever? Bane of Anarchy would be an Order Obsessed tyrant, wouldn’t it?

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re taking that too literally.  The titles are essentially “The Bane that Represents “.

      • Anonymous

        I know that, but when you’re the bane of something you’re usually the guy that makes that something’s existence less pleasant. Perhaps they were thinking “thane”?

  • http://UnholyFireDragon.com Unholy Fire Dragon

    The avatar would probably need a fleshlight in his inventory, since he’d eventually fall into a dark pit in his adventures and be totally fucked! LOL

    Seriously though…
    Was anyone else reminded of the 3 world-balancing statues from FF6 when Spoony mentioned about the 3 world-balancing snakes?

    I’m thinking, at some point, Spoony should do a straight comparison of the the Final Fantasy series with the Ultima series. I don’t know much about Ultima (only what Spoony said/showed, really…), but it seems that Ultima has had a better time as a video-game series than Final Fantasy (lasting longer, having more/better content, etc.).

    Nice review as usual, Spoony. :-)

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

       Well here’s your comparison.

      Ultima: A richly detailed world full of philosophical concepts and dilemmas.
      Final Fantasy: Teenagers in 80′s themed bondage fashion fighting a metrosexual Hitler.

      • Anonymous

        Wow. You just made FF sound awesome!

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

          I… how do I respond to that?

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

          I… how do I respond to that?

          • Anonymous

            C’mon: a party of time lost sexual deviants battling the machinations of a flamboyant, anti-semitic Austrian mass-murderer? That, my friend, is a license to print money.

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

            And yet, Final Fantasy X2…

          • Anonymous

            …..blew more chunks than a drunk on a tilt-a-whirl? Yeah. To paraphrase Chesterton : “Even the best ideas can be ruined by pitiful execution”.

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

            Like Spoony and flashbangs.

          • Anonymous

            At least FFX2 had fun gameplay, that’s more than FF8 or FFXII can say. Or Ultima 7 for that matter :P

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

            I can sacrifice fun gameplay for a compelling story, but not vice versa.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

       Well here’s your comparison.

      Ultima: A richly detailed world full of philosophical concepts and dilemmas.
      Final Fantasy: Teenagers in 80′s themed bondage fashion fighting a metrosexual Hitler.

    • Anonymous

      I suppose so, but Final Fantasy never had an end as embarrassing and unfinished as Ultima 9.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Borean/100000041163314 Michael Borean

        Well, you mean aside from final fantasy 10′s. I mean, that was seriously embarrassing how they made the whole thing about tidus not being able to live without the fayths because he’s a freaking dream, then they make a whole game because of its ending to go look for him.

        Also, as a comparison between ultima and FF, ultima has a largely contiguous story, and FF is almost always set somewhere new. Or at least, it WAS until they started spinning off sequals, and reusing places because square enix has no godamn originality anymore.

  • http://www.facebook.com/A.E.Janssen Allison E. Janssen

    Sweet shirt, Spoony.

  • http://twitter.com/RoryBinks Rory Binks

    One of my favourites of yours no doubt. I think that break really gave you time to recharge your batterys and come back with something that felt fresh again. Good stuff spoonyman.

  • http://twitter.com/RoryBinks Rory Binks

    One of my favourites of yours no doubt. I think that break really gave you time to recharge your batterys and come back with something that felt fresh again. Good stuff spoonyman.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeffery-Adam-Phillips/842790540 Jeffery Adam Phillips

    Poor Spoony. That Serpent Ring bullshit is just harsh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Torsten-Ingendoh/1696189294 Torsten Ingendoh

    Wait… YOU ACTUALLY BOUGHT WHITECASTLE DÜSSEDORF MUSTARD?

  • Anonymous

    Bible Black,, a fleshlight and beef jerky.  Sounds like a good time.  And ironically all designed to please the large serpent.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

      I WISH my loney Friday nights were that interesting.

    • Anonymous

      Ha ha ha!  Well done.

  • Anonymous

    Telepathy between dimensions… because sometimes telepathy just isn’t enough. 
    what a show off. that is one show off of an inter-dimensional, evil, chaotic being of unspeak able red, large, monkey faceness. 
           
    sword and magic helmet!? 

    Its hard to read the text?… 
    i got this lawn mower… and it just sucks shit at doing the only thing it was made for, which is mowing the son of a bitch lawn. look! i got you this book. its not totally fucked. Its just fuckin impossible to read, but only… you could still use it to press flowers, or as a door stop. the sorta stuff we did with all the useless sega shit. ladies, does the magic carpet match the drapes?

    GWAR – The private pain of Techno Destructo

    I’m spade and take nothing seriously, mr.gamer!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

    What’s the closing theme? I don’t recognize it, call me an uneducated moron.

    • reignfire77

      not sure if anyone told you, or you found out on your own. but it’s by the band cobra starship, and the song is snakes on a plane

  • Anonymous

    Great review as always Spoony. I’ve never really heard of the Ultima Series before (I was only two when Ultima VII came out). I might try it out, despite some of your complaints about the text, inventory system, repetitive puzzles, and so on.

  • http://twitter.com/phooeyhoo Phooeyhoo

    That hat is awesome! It tells you exactly the quality of the game review you’re about to receive!

  • oskari kinnunen

    You look healthier than in previous vids… Less fast food? :D

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      Spoons has a weird heart condition. Instead of his heart beating faster, it beats harder, and if he exerts himself too hard, his heart/a vessel/an artery will break, causing massive internal bleeding, central circulatory failure, and sudden death.

      So no fast food or caffeine for Noah.

  • http://twitter.com/Smael123 Ismael Almaguer

    The preview picture of Spoony wearing a sombrero makes me wonder what is in store for us.

  • Anonymous

    umm, spoony, why do you have a fleshlight? >.>

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

      Because a bottle of lotion was too subtle.

      • Anonymous

        Capitalized LOL!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    Excellent man.

    Message from Guardian: “Batlin! Listen to the metallic sound of my red monkey god voice! Go to the Jack Ripper Institute of R.A.G.E monkey experimentation and order them to send a cat suicide bomber to kill the Avatar.”

    Avatar, a few hours later: “Hey, a cat! I wonder what happens if I keep poking it with my swo-OH, SHIT!”

  • Anonymous

    Plastic Vagina ^^ hell yeah!

  • Anonymous

    If I remember right, Batlin’s attempt to become immortal screws up because he shoves the Chaos artifacts into the Order shrine, or the other way around. Kinda primes him for some supernatural assfucking.

    That aside, the holes in the plot and the poor design at places, and the glitches, are probably largely because EA was busy consuming Origin at that point. The repercussions of which become even more obvious in Pagan and Ascension.

  • Tyler Chamberland

    Love your reviews as always Spoony,

    Looking forward to your Ultimate VIII review, it’s the only one I ever played.

  • Tyler Chamberland

    Love your reviews as always Spoony,

    Looking forward to your Ultimate VIII review, it’s the only one I ever played.

  • Joosep Nigul

    Man, just because of these reviews I actually installed DOSBox and gave Ultima I a try…not for long, but still, it was fun.

    Spoony, your game reviews are just awesomeocity², really funny and just nice to watch. So just keep doing your thing. Also, here’s a tip: your game reviews are considerably more enjoyable than the movie reviews (which are awesome too, of course), so give a little more attention to those in comparison (just my opinion).

  • http://www.facebook.com/FeatherlessWings David Pelletier

    Good choice of music and sound track (you’re in my way sir…. i never saw it coming) 

    Your humour is A1 like the rest ! 

  • Anonymous

    The whole point of Ultima 7 part 2 was to further do what Ultima 6 did and explain why the games are connected all the way back to Ultima 1.  Serpent Isle was originally part of Sosaria (and called the Lands of Danger and Despair), which is why they were connected.  Lord British became ruler of the entire world not because he drove everyone out, but because everyone else just kind of vanished.

    In fact, a big plot twist in the game was the fact that Shamino was one of the kings of the land the Serpent Isle used to be and was just out of town when things went to shit and got stuck in the land that became Britannia.  In fact, to the people still on the Serpent Isle (the Ophidians) it was like they were the only ones who “survived” and everyone else vanished.

    As far as the current inhabitants having been put into inter-dimensional exile because of they wanted to pursue their own beliefs, this is sort of correct.  They did leave over their own views, but it was voluntary as opposed to exile.

    They did believe the same things Lord British did, but the interpretation varied wildly.  Just like the virtues were build upon the three principles of Truth, Love and Courage, so too were the towns of Monitor, Fawn and Moonshade.  They were just those principles taken to weird extremes.

    Monitor turned Courage into Valor; glory at the expense of everything else.  Fawn turned Love into Beauty; shallow self-love.  Moonshade’s Truth was greater than anyone else’s and segregated non-magic users as second-class citizens.

    These were not nice people.  In fact, they hated Lord British because he wanted everyone to be nice.  If you want a comparison, try to imagine the Tea Party up and leaving the country.

    …………………………..okay, put down the Fleshlight; I’m not finished.

    It’s very reminiscent of Ultima V; which was about how philosophy becomes dogma when it’s mandatory.  Ultima V would have been the norm if that’s what was going on before Ultima IV, so Lord British isn’t quite the fucktard in this.  (Not to say he didn’t screw up royal with the Gargoyles, though.)

    This was further emphasized in VII part 2 with the Ophidians as they turned virtue taught to them by the Serpents into religion and began slaughtering everyone who didn’t believe what they did; which was not what Lord British had done.

    In fact, the Ultima series is perhaps best categorized as Agnostic Fantasy.  Religion tends to be viewed very negatively and philosophy is put forth as a worthy substitute for it.  In fact, your scientology gag was probably what the series was going for with the Fellowship from The Black Gate.

    As for the no diplomatic relations with the Gargoyles…that isn’t so cut and dried either.  Let’s keep in mind the first time most of them had even seen a Gargoyle is when they pop out of the ground and start attacking the shrines.  Remember, the Ultima series also has Daemons in it; which are virtually identical physically to Gargoyles and pure evil.  So beings coming up from the Underworld with no friendly intentions attacking the shrines of virtue had to have put up a big red flag in Britannia.  “Oh shit, Daemon invasion!”

    The Britannians would be perfectly justified in believing it, too  They’re not even the same race with different names.  They exist side-by-side and Daemons do appear in the games past VI.  With the only person who speaks their language on the other side of the planet and the Gargoyles being understandably pissed with the theft of the Codex and their world getting wrecked, “cultural misunderstanding” is bound to arise.

    And keep in mind, as far the Gargoyles’ world getting wrecked, that’s not entirely Lord British’s fault.  It’s the Avatar’s fault for taking the Codex.  In fact, that’s a significant plot point of Ultima VI is that the Gargoyles want your ass dead and peaceful negotiation instead of out-and-out slaughter is the only way you can win.  Ultima VI was just as counter-intuitive and brilliant as Ultima IV was.

    Overall, very funny review and I can’t wait until you do Ultima VIII: Pagan; especially since I stopped after Serpent Isle and didn’t play the last two games.

    • Anonymous

      Well, that’s up to interpretation. Taking all the Ultima games and the novels (yes, yes, I’m a nerd, I know) into consideration, it would seem that Lord British really is a rat bastard (or  rather he functions how a real-life totalitarian ruler/conqueror operates) who exiled numerous other peoples and races (not mention the genocide of at least two) for not kneeling to his (secular) dogma or refusing to sacrifice their culture to his empire.  For many (if not all) who left Britania the only “choice” was between staying and submitting or death (or in some cases getting your island launched through space and time and being featured in a particularly crappy novel whose message is ‘White eurocentric culture rules! Kneel savage!’). So no, I would argue that they left because Lord British wanted them to be nice…to him and to destroy his enemies like good mindless servitors. They were (for the most part) a good people who were just understandably wary of strangers bearing tidings from the ruthless overlord who got them into this mess.

      Also, I find that the Ultima games actually treat religion rather well. They show how by itself it can be very good and that it heals and aids people, but it can be corrupted by those who seek to use it as a means to a material end (making it do the exact opposite of its purpose). The same way as the games point out that anything can be good or bad. For example, the Atheistic ideology of Lord British (which I always thought was a metaphor for the Jacobin “Cult of Reason” during the French Revolution, complete with the Avatar taking the role of the “Goddess of Reason”, a living symbol of the philosophy) was corrupted and became an oppressive instrument of the state to crush religions and dissenters on several occasions (once again, like the Jacobins did). The games showcase conservative ideas and liberal ideas and show how they can both be good or how they can be corrupted.

      The main theme I always got from the games is the idea of balance and the effect of choice on the world at large. Almost everything in the game has good in it (or at least offers something that can be helpful for society at large) , but it is ultimately individual choices which shape it.

       

      • Anonymous

        The novels?  I hadn’t heard there were any.  When were they released?

        • Anonymous

          Actually, the novels (according to Richard Garriott  himself, no less) are canon to the series.

          Secondly, before the rise of council (btw, remember that all of the council’s decisions can be overridden by Lord British, with little more than a explanation that it is “for the good of Brittania”, making them effectively puppets to create the veneer of freedom) British laid down the hammer on several nations and races for simply refusing his rule (The phrase “we shall have order, even if I have to choke the shit out of you to do it” comes to mind).

          Thirdly, for one? The Zealanic religion (in Pagan) was noble and just, it’s people living in harmony with both the land and each other watched over by wise gods. The Ophidian religion was also noble and led the people of the Serpent Isles out of an age of strife and taught them balance. In both cases, outside forces conspired with power hungry individuals to either abandon the faith entirely, destroy or twist parts of the faiths in order to create something completely antithetical to the faiths themselves. The same exact thing which happened to British’s Avatar  ideology. In all cases, there were still good and noble souls practicing the religions as they were intended, resisting the corruption (ultimately proving invaluable to the protagonist). Thus, the theme I spoke of previously.

    • Anonymous

      Well, that’s up to interpretation. Taking all the Ultima games and the novels (yes, yes, I’m a nerd, I know) into consideration, it would seem that Lord British really is a rat bastard (or  rather he functions how a real-life totalitarian ruler/conqueror operates) who exiled numerous other peoples and races (not mention the genocide of at least two) for not kneeling to his (secular) dogma or refusing to sacrifice their culture to his empire.  For many (if not all) who left Britania the only “choice” was between staying and submitting or death (or in some cases getting your island launched through space and time and being featured in a particularly crappy novel whose message is ‘White eurocentric culture rules! Kneel savage!’). So no, I would argue that they left because Lord British wanted them to be nice…to him and to destroy his enemies like good mindless servitors. They were (for the most part) a good people who were just understandably wary of strangers bearing tidings from the ruthless overlord who got them into this mess.

      Also, I find that the Ultima games actually treat religion rather well. They show how by itself it can be very good and that it heals and aids people, but it can be corrupted by those who seek to use it as a means to a material end (making it do the exact opposite of its purpose). The same way as the games point out that anything can be good or bad. For example, the Atheistic ideology of Lord British (which I always thought was a metaphor for the Jacobin “Cult of Reason” during the French Revolution, complete with the Avatar taking the role of the “Goddess of Reason”, a living symbol of the philosophy) was corrupted and became an oppressive instrument of the state to crush religions and dissenters on several occasions (once again, like the Jacobins did). The games showcase conservative ideas and liberal ideas and show how they can both be good or how they can be corrupted.

      The main theme I always got from the games is the idea of balance and the effect of choice on the world at large. Almost everything in the game has good in it (or at least offers something that can be helpful for society at large) , but it is ultimately individual choices which shape it.

       

  • Anonymous

    lol lets get wankered

  • Anonymous

    I once had a cocktail called a “Serpent Isle”. I’d love to tell you about it, but I don’t remember much about that night…

    Huh.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_L4F4CBFPC5NMSK5DL6ZHEO2NW4 KeanuL

    Loved that you put Reach out to the truth in your review :D

  • http://twitter.com/DarkEvil87 Bob

    The Fleshlight is a man’s best friend, isn’t it Spoony? Actually, I wish I had one… Women have their toys, why can’t I have mine?

  • exorphitus

    @MFlorian : Close. You’re mostly correct, but I can explain further. Erstam led the mages of Moon out of Britannia because they believed they were superior to everyone else and shouldn’t have to abide by Lord Britishes laws. they were joined by the inhabitants of the original Fawn who left because Lord British wouldn’t make Beauty one of the virtues, and by the inhabitants of the two Montors because they didn’t want there to be any virtues except Valor. when they reached Srepent Isle their corruption grew. The mages got so full of themselves that they deemed all non-mages inferior to them, and to Erstam’s anger subverted the Mages Council, which was meant to be a metting of equals, by creating a  ‘MageLord’ who would essentially be a King. Erstam was so pissed he left to live on his own island. The people of Fawn quickly abandoned Love and because the ‘City of Beauty’ as they had tried to petition Lord British to do. This quickly led to them becoming shallow and narcissistic, deeming anything they didn’t see as ‘beautiful’ to be evil. the Montors founded Monitor to be based on the virtue of Valor, but none could agree on exactly what the definition of Valor was which caused them to splinter into the three ‘commands’ of the Bears, Wolves, and Leopards. The Montors quickly lost sight of what Valor truly was and simply focused on fighting, as well as the practice of becoming Knights, as well as the bigoted belief that Knights were better than everyone else, just as the Mages believed they were better because of their magic, or the Fawns believed they were superior because of their beauty. In the end all three Cities ended up corrupt and shallow, becoming total parodies and pervesions of their intended ‘virtues’. Even the Monks of Xenka weren’t immune to currption and stupidity. they were originally founded by Xenka to help the Avatar stop the end of the world, but after ZXenka disppaered into the void the monks turned her initially clear instructions into unintelligable mystical gibberish and devolved into arguements about what should be done, eventually becoming paralyzed by the fear of actually doing anything at all because it might cause more harm than good.

    • Anonymous

      Actually in the case of the mages, it was sort of an issue of “Magneto was right”:  Mages were feared and hated by many of the mundane Britannians for their powers and Lord British did little or nothing to help them (in fact, many were  sacrificed in the early forays into the Stygian Abyss as part of a conscription by British). Erstam initially started his rebellion because he felt oppressed. An anger which corrupted him. An anger which was stoked and fueld by subtle manipulation on the part of The Guardian himself.

      In fact, the other cities were corrupted because The Guardian messed with their minds and seduced their leaders with dreams of power.

  • Anonymous

    This was an extremely high standard and excessively funny review. I swear I laughed so hard I’ll probably be coughing up pieces of lung for days… which I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad thing – I’ll chart it as “bad” if I start coughing blood. This is, I suppose, the proof, if you needed it, that you can make an excellent review without necessarily having to have bad or awful subject material to make fun of (although it doesn’t hurt). 

    Honestly, I just love this entire Ultima series review and how well it acquaints you so well with all the very complex character, settings and game systems – despite also being a nostalgic hit for those of us who came across this game when we were kids. I can’t praise these reviews enough for their sheer entertainment value alone, so I’ll just stop gushing and say I’m really looking forwards to the next instalment.     

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Donny-Young/100000096810075 Donny Young

    I was so expecting a Monty Python clip for the “Things on top of other things!” bit. It was not one of the more celebrated skits so it was probably not even thought of. But still amazing review.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Donny-Young/100000096810075 Donny Young

    I was so expecting a Monty Python clip for the “Things on top of other things!” bit. It was not one of the more celebrated skits so it was probably not even thought of. But still amazing review.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MLZ6IKMHNGLTEBLYVXWJ4TJNUI Blake

    Spoony why do you own a Flesh-Light?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MLZ6IKMHNGLTEBLYVXWJ4TJNUI Blake

    Spoony why do you own a Flesh-Light?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Charles-Walker/1464424242 Christopher Charles Walker

      For masturbation. That’s why anyone owns a fleshlight. To have sex with.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Aaron-Shurmon/1834358115 Aaron Shurmon

    lol-ed when you used the meat circus theme from psychonauts at 15:00-ish area.

  • Andrew Linton

    Did anyone else notice that he HAD the Serpent Ring?  Look at exactly 16:45.  It clearly says “Serpent Ring” when he moves an ax out of the inventory bag.  Doh!

    • http://twitter.com/TheMMOFifty TheMMOFifty

      he was referring to when he played it as a kid, at that time he couldn’t have recorded the footage like he can now, so when he was showing us the footage, that was of his recent play when he DID have the ring, he was just showing us the kind of searching he did the first time around to give us some context to understand what happened

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=628203670 Jennings Jin

    That bit with the create automaton spell was comedy gold.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, and it was ripped off wholesale from  Nakar’s Let’s Play of Ultima 7, written back in 2008. See http://lparchive.org/Ultima-VII-Part-2-Serpent-Isle/Update%2050/ for the original.

      • Mark Marchesini

        Funny… I see you doing nothing but sucking off this Nakar person, but I don’t see the automaton part you’re referring to anywhere.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Marchesini/1152655017 Mark Marchesini

         You know, I felt the need to actually look through dude, and this was one of the “jokes” in this horrible screenshot LP.

        “Batlin! Hey! Nice seeing you again! Remember that time you were going
        to do something phenomenally stupid and then we killed all your
        friends?”

        “Yes, I do remember something to that effect, hence why I’m here doing what I’m doing right now.”

        “Yeah, it was loads of fun. Look, uh, I’m gonna need you to stop doing this, alright?”

        “What are you, high?”

        “Nah, I left my stash with Boydon, I might raid it later, but don’t
        distract me! The point here is that you must not, under any
        circumstances, open the Wall of Lights!”

        WOHOOOOO!!!!!! SO FUNNY! A JOKE ABOUT BEING HIGH LOLZ THIS NAKAR PERSON IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!

  • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.chastang Courtney Chastang

    It took me a minute to figure out where I’d heard the background music before, but I finally remembered. Persona 4 battle music! Awesome!

  • http://twitter.com/nnecron Necro

    All these things like questing and adventuring in Ultima series sound nice, but how does the combat works?  I know the system is incorporating D&D rule, so I guess its like Baldur’s Gate.  Care to write me a lengthy explanation to answer my question?

    • http://www.facebook.com/sulivan.mcbride Sulivan McBride

      It’s really quite different between each game. For example, I’m playing Ultima IV right now, and the combat for that is literally “GO NEXT TO ENEMY. PUSH “A”. PUSH DIRECTIONAL KEY TOWARDS ENEMY. PRAY FOR A HIT. HOPE YOU DODGE. REPEAT.”

      In contrast, Ultima VII is more or less enter attack mode and hope for the best. It’s normally not very involved past click n go, which is why he never mentions it. If you’re looking for engaging combat, look elsewhere. If you’re a vet of the old school D&D style (we’re talking 2nd edition AD&D style here) and are willing to leave it all to your imagination, it’s perfectly functional.

  • Anonymous

    Noahhhhhhh… Pagan calls for Avatar! Where’s Ultima 8?! 

  • Anonymous

    Noah…Pagan awaits! Where is Ultima 8!?

  • Anonymous

    Noah…… Pagan awaits… Where is Ultima 8!?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kenneth-John-Taylor/839205050 Kenneth John Taylor

      It’s quite likely that he doesn’t want to do any Ultimas beyond SI, and who can blame him. Pagan was a frustrating, pixel-pushing nightmare and Ascension was mostly a boring dungeon crawler with no real sense of adventure, story or plot.

      • http://twitter.com/nnecron Necro

        If they are that bad, then I don’t think he won’t shut up about it.  Because he did Ultima VI, which he hates.  You know, just like he reviewed other crap like Pumpkinhead. 

      • Aaron Rowles

        This is called the ultima retrospective correct? That dose mean going over the good and the bad.

    • Anonymous

       Maybe he’s waiting for Nakar to do a Let’s Play of VIII so he can reuse the jokes? :)

      • Mark Marchesini

        What are you fucking talking about, you retard? After your comment where he “stole” the automaton joke, I literally looked through the ENTIRE “Let’s Play” (which wasn’t done too long ago, and it’s a fucking screenshot LP? Really?) and don’t see a whole lot of references that Spoony would have used, aside from a few incredibly BROAD things that anyone would use when making a comedic review of this game. Give me a fucking break. If you wanna promote your shit screenshot LPs (LOL), do it somewhere else, cuz it’s obvious they’re yours with the way you’re promoting it.

  • http://twitter.com/nnecron Necro

    I was kind of wondering, why doesn’t he talk about the combat in Ultima series?  Sure sometimes he mentions it briefly, but I still don’t have a clear image of how the combat works.

    • Anonymous

       He mentions it in this video, man. He’s not kidding, it really is a matter of pushing a button to toggle “attack mode” and then letting the battle auto-fight.

  • stephen martin

    I thought chicks dig giant robots.

  • Anonymous

    We want Ultima VIII! o/

  • http://twitter.com/DoodTheMan Dante Alberti

    Awesome review! Made even awesomer with Chronotrigger muzak.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_TCOBSL7MTHIHPTZMZNW6JR4FRI Cathy Meyers

    W-was that a fleshlight? o_o Okie dokie then. 

    Um.. great review by the way! Made me want to play the game. 

  • Aaron Bourque

    Is the Avatar played by fucking Malibu?

  • hartplastikkaktus

    do I want to know why you own a fleshlight?
    I don’t think so…

    Great review as always!

    • Asten Galhofa Da Silva

      i would like to know this as well….

  • Liam Elwood

    Spoony,
    Before this video, you were following a pattern of posting a video of Ultima every couple of months.
    But lately, it seems you haven’t gotten anything Ultima related done in a pretty long time.
    Your videos are amazing, and your rip on Ultima 8 will be great, I just wish it would be here sooner :)

    • http://twitter.com/TarielCorbeau Tariel Corbeau

      Don’t worry he’s working on it right now! XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/emily.kilbourn Emily Kilbourn

    I’m really enjoying the ultima reviews, I didn’t have a computer when these games were big but they look like they were really interesting! I appreciated the Persona 4 fight music in the middle of this thing, awesome! Are you going to review that game?

    • http://www.facebook.com/sulivan.mcbride Sulivan McBride

      If you look, he actually already did in one of his Vlogs. I recommend you check them out, they’re actually sometimes more entertaining than his full productions.

      • http://www.facebook.com/emily.kilbourn Emily Kilbourn

        Okay, I found it, thanks! Has he ever done a complete review of persona 4?

  • http://twitter.com/AwesomeAJx8 AJ Boddie

    At 16:45 it shows the serpent ring

    • Anonymous

      its a retrospective so its not the actual footage of him losing it. good spot though

  • http://twitter.com/Doctor_Docson Doktor Dok Dokson

    I love how he makes a typical video game idle pose while the green monster is being pushed back into the portal.

  • http://www.facebook.com/benjamin.hughes Benjamin Hughes

    Well the advertising works… I want a taco… BTW good to see you posting a new vid for 2012, Good stuff spoon, can’t wait for more.

  • Bill Cassinelli

    Best review of the series. Oh, and I loved the Ultima IX remark, about killing Lord British by poisoning a loaf of bread.  :)

  • castchaos

    Ultima VII-2: Serpent Isle is not only my #1 favourite Ultima game, not only my #1 favourite game of all time by far, I think Richard Garriot just took the psychically best possible game, wrapped it in a box and written “Ultima VII-2: Serpent Isle” on it.
    There’s nothing in this game that could be any better… the Chaos/Order theme is already my favourite of all, then it’s also fully developed here, with six principles, each having a weak, normal and overload state!
    And that backpack/bag searching is actually fun, especially with the glowing items and all that mixing and matching. The temples with all the fun challenges… the concept that a new civilization lives on the ruin of the Ophidians… the people being the descendants whos disliked Lord British, THAT Lord British who was portrayed as dreamy and fabolous so far… The placing things on things (mostly shine ones!)…

    This… Game… Effin… W I N S!!!! !

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001829631103 Tommy Platter

    can anyone help me with using dos box

  • peteman

    Don’t forget, he’s in an affair with his chambermaid.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001829631103 Tommy Platter

    spoony can you make a video teaching the younger generation like myself how to use dos box i mean these games look and sound amazing but for the life of me i cant get them to work plz help

    • http://www.facebook.com/mskup Michał Skup

      Hey! You can buy that game’s on gog.com – game is integrated with dosBOX, and will run with no problem on any Windows PC.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001829631103 Tommy Platter

        oh wow thanks

    • http://twitter.com/joethulhu Joe Hammons

      DOSbox is actually really simple when you get used to it. Just look up the DOSbox wiki, which has great guides on getting games to run. It is, after all, only a DOS prompt, and all you have to do is mount the drive and run the executable.

  • jagarcia0705

    If the Earth Serpent was ripped from The Void from Ultima 3, then why are the catastrophic dimensional s*** storms just now starting to take effect?  

    • Cyric Graham

      It probably takes time for the entire fabric of the universe to unravel, plus it probably took time for the god snake of order to defeat the god snake of chaos.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001352029808 Dominic Ethan Lies

    PERSONA MOFOS!

  • http://twitter.com/endirasae Laura SoL Campbell

    Huh. Actually, you only need the Staff, Armour and Crown for the end of the game. The Earrings, Necklace and Ring are for a previous game point, and you need not wear any of them to enter the Wall of Lights at the end.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amanda-Low/100000931121608 Amanda Low

    … OHMYGODD FORESHADOWING! “Lord British” mentions that he fears eating a loaf of bread laced with rat poison AND SPOONY JUST DID THAT IN PART 1 OF THE ULTIMA 9 REVIEW. SPOONY, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! AND I JUST SPOILED THE NEW REVIEW FOR PEOPLE!

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_C2JNGRGJTEDOSSZSIW3HH4S3BY Rayvn

       “What’s a paladin?”

      “I’m not quite sure…”

      • http://twitter.com/plastikloeffel El K

        “your knowledge of the land shall be great!”

        • http://www.facebook.com/Wade.Wilson4 Wade Seewald

          “Who are the gargoyles?”

          “The Codex of Ultimate Wisdom?”

          • jagarcia0705

            Who is Lord British?
            What’s an Avatar?

    • Kharnatex

      lol ultima 9 what a steaming pile of goat shit, lol in the words of Rolfe Cowafuckingpeiceofdogshit.

  • http://twitter.com/Strospiteri Stephen.R.S

    Persona 4 battle music. Now I’ve just noticed!

  • Sam Park

    Ultima 7 oddly reminds me of another Story between Chaos and Order and Your Friends Betraying you (and i think the Spoony One had played one before, Law, Chaos and the Neutral Hero) So which came out First SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI or ULTIMA 7?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1271696023 Adrian Burt

      Ultima 7: Serpent Isle came out in April 1992 while Shin Megami Tensei was released in October of the same year. Those release dates are way too close together for one to have influenced the other so chalk it up to weird coincidence.

  • Radosław Hołdys

    Am I the only one thinking that The Guardian’s plan up to this point was to drag The Avatar into the Void do dump his ass on Pagan? And that Batiln’s “treason” was a part of his plan?

    Following that logic when he said that Avatar has managed to “thwart him once again” he could as simply be sarcastic.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_C2JNGRGJTEDOSSZSIW3HH4S3BY Rayvn

    Yo dawg, I heard you like putting things on things, so here’s some things to put on things while you’re putting them on things.

  • ScutigeraColeoptrata

    Alright, I finally get that rat poison joke!

  • Janey Cho

    Shin Megami Tensei creating the Ideals of Law, Chaos and Neutrality in video games Since the 1990s

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000167180003 Alan Rizkallah

    That really is atrocious inventory management. Now it’s like a taboo thing, “inventory management.” Completely disappeared from Mass Effect after the first one, was extremely slimmed down in Dragon Age II… I like inventory management when it’s done right. There was nothing wrong with it in Mass Effect 1 and Dragon Age Origins. In Ultima VII, however, yeah… that’s god awful. That’s unacceptable even for when it was made.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Captain.Lazer.Unicorn Dakota Lee Valiant Snellgrove

    ok so I think I have figured out why he didnt have all his shit in ultima underworld 2. He went partying and lost it. And then after U:U2, he went and found it “The Hangover” style. Sadly that wasn’t made into a game.

  • http://www.facebook.com/david.henshaw.547 David Henshaw

    Why does persona 4 battle music play when talking about the snakes

  • fizzel mizzel

    HAHAHA I had to laugh so hard at the scene with the ring, loooool, awesome, love those reviews. and goddamn all those bags and chests and sacks and whatnot with the OCD-style inventory management (potions ordered by color) – when i played it it was exactly the same!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Filipe-Isabelinho/100000173498272 Filipe Isabelinho

    But the serpent ring was right there… I saw the tooltip! it was under an axe XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mads-Bolding-Fenger-Poulsen/1513209391 Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

    The serpent isle’s “putting things on things”-tantrum always reminds me of the monty python sketch:

    youtube.com/watch?v=1f-kfRREA8M

  • jagarcia0705

    Guardian: Well, well Avatar. You managed to thwart me once again. But in the end all you did was delayed the inevitable. Perhaps you’ll join me in another world all together, we do have a score to settle.

  • http://www.facebook.com/paul.veitch.90 Paul Veitch

    Gaurdian + “… poised at the edge of eternity.” = Star Trek reference, for the win! …Maybe.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Valerie-Dicaire/100000800421372 Valérie Dicaire

    16:03 – Wait wait… Was that a fleshlight..? The last thing I wanted to imagine is Spoony Avatar jerking off using one of those… xD

  • http://www.facebook.com/Kakemanz DavidJohn Oberhofer

    Okay Spoony, you’ve done a lot of terrible things, but come on. 1:39 Drinking Canadian Club whiskey? What’s wrong with you? I’m from the country that makes the stuff, and I still hate it.

    • ftidus12

      Desperate times. Desperate measures, oh son of the North.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Malfatto Donny Smith

    Sooooo….Based on your description of Lord British installing the “one true religion” He turn them all into Mormons???

    • wizzbang

      You…don’t know a lot about Mormons do you?

      • Daniel Tilson

        They say they’re the one true religion, and they get all of their spiritual advice from a book (two books actually.) And I guess you could say that Joseph Smith was their Goddamn avatar… So yea.. Seems pretty similar. ^_^

        • wizzbang

          Yeah. You don’t know a lot about them.

          • Daniel Tilson

            Actually I do. I was trying to make a joke…

            If I didn’t know a lot about them, I would assume that they only follow the Book of Mormon. Because that’s all they ever push when coming to people’s houses. (Or at least, all they push when they come to mine..) Joseph Smith as the avatar makes sense, because he was the founder… So actually that would make him Lord British? Nobody except Dupre, Shamino, and Iolo likes Lord British… So I said he was the avatar. A much more popular character.

          • ftidus12

            No you don’t know a thing about them. Also, explaining a joke makes it unfunny (though your joke was not funny to begin with, so goodie for you, I guess).

            If you knew anything about them, you’d know that the whole thing you just spouted was crap (your standard door to door missionary carries a copy of the Bible with them along with the B of M, since a. their primary focus demographic, is most likely more familiar with the former and b. it one of their four sacred texts ).

            You know less about the Mormons than I do. And that’s sad.

          • Dudley

            Why is it sad to know less about the Mormons than you do? Why should people pretend there’s some validity to their blatantly made up religion?

            Then again, why should I expect someone who equates things like Marxism and Ayn Rand’s Objectivism (as unsound as it is) with religious belief systems to give me a reasonable answer?

          • ftidus12

            1. Because if one attempts to pontificate on (or in this case, demonize) a group of people, it is on that same person to actually demonstrate a knowledge of said group of people, else said claims about them are nothing more than the ignorant ravings of a buffoon. A place both Daniel and now you, Dudley, both occupy.

            2. Why should people pretend your limp hand waving and complete lack of argumentation actually lend any credence to your claims about their religion. As it is, the only thing “blatantly made up” I see here, is the conceit on which your statement lies.

            3. Because anyone who has even a passing knowledge of the two ideologies (ie Marxism and Objectivism) would see that Daniel’s claims also reflect them, thus making his suggestion quite flaccid. To repeat myself:

            The claims made attempting to connect the ideologies:

            1. Belief they are the one true ideology
            2. Basis of belief being centered around a text
            3. A major figure

            Is behind every single major ideology (secular and
            religious). The is the exact same meta-narrative that exists in Marxism and
            Randian Obectivism. As such, claiming that it only represents Mormonism, reflects
            a poor understanding of said ideologies.

            There is your reasonable answer (though the fact that you failed to read it the first time, tells me I’m not dealing with a Rhodes Scholar).

            After, why should I expect someone who demonstrates a complete lack
            of wherewithal in not only matters of deductive reasoning, but also
            history, philosophy and even basic reading comprehension to understand
            any of that?

            Next time? Bring your A game.

          • Dudley

            Daniel wasn’t demonizing them. He didn’t even say anything negative about them. I did. I said it’s a blatantly made up religion. Which it is, but that’s not “demonizing” Mormons. Nor is comparing their founder to the Avatar (actually, that’s incredibly flattering). I don’t really have to argue my point here. You main think there’s some manner of burden of responsibility on me to explain why I think this 19th century Scientology is obviously fake, but guess what, there isn’t. If anything, there’s a burden on any religion to proove their not fake.

            As for Marxism:
            1. Belief they are the one true ideology: False. You’re apparently confusing Marxism with Communism. Marxism isn’t an ideology, it’s a system of analyzing history, society, economy, etc. There’s a reason actual, no kidding real world sciences use Marxism to analyze the real world, but not Mormonism – and this is not done by communists. It’s also possible you’re not familiar with what the word “ideology” means (coincidentally enough, ideology and its nature and definition are a classical concern of Marxism).
            2. Again, wrong. Marxism isn’t beholden to a specific text. It’s not a religious dogma reliant on a holy text for validity, it’s a system of thought that actually invites (gasp!) critical thought. If you think Marxism is a belief system based around a text, then it’s possible you’re getting your information from Rush Limbaugh.
            3. Which one, Marx or Engels? What exactly do you think is the relation of either one of those men to the though of Marxian scholars today?

            Objectivism is a different animal. It’s a much narrower, more simplistic philosophy that doesn’t really hold up to scrutiny, but to say it’s a religion-like philosophy (kind of ironic considering how anti-religious the atheist Ayn Rand was) that thinks it’s the one true ideology (which is kind of true, in some ways, but also kind of contradicted by some of its principles), centered around a text (which one, Atlas Shrugged or The Fountainhead? Maybe something else?) with “a major figure” (which is a bullshit criteria anyway, in its vagueness and meaninglessness; what is the relevance of this?) is incredibly simplistic.

            Look, this is really kind of pointless. You want to feel outraged because I don’t have the patience to pretend I respect this racist, sexist, homophobic made up religion, and that’s your right. You may think being offended means you’re entitled to some kind of explanation of why I don’t respect Mormonism, and that’s your mistake. Do you really believe that I have to know anything more about Mormonism than its origin to know it’s all made up? Do you really believe I have to study the inner principles of their fake theology to dislike them for their reprehensible and vile behaviours and attitudes? If so, you’re wrong, and I’m not going to entertain your pocket outrage anymore. Sorry.

          • ftidus12

            “Daniel wasn’t demonizing them. He didn’t even say anything negative about them. I did. I said it’s a blatantly made up religion.”

            I never said HE was. I said “in this case” (meaning your statement, genius). Your reading comprehension is sad.

            ” I don’t really have to argue my point here. You main think there’s some manner of burden of responsibility on me to explain why I think this 19th century Scientology is obviously fake, but

            guess what, there isn’t. If anything, there’s a burden on any religion to proove their not fake.”

            1. Nice hand wave, princess. But that isn’t an argument, that’s an assertion (and a baseless one at that).

            2. Wrong again, duchess. The burden of proof is always on the accuser in an argument. You made the argument that they are “fake”, it is on you to demonstrate they are fake.

            3. Even if your statement of burden of proof was fact, you get buffaloed there as well. Given the evidence at hand for the nature of the universe, the nature of human thought, ordered
            expansion, etc, there is a substantial body to suggest there is much to religious claims of a divine origin. As such even in that case, it would still be on you to challenge that evidence and the arguments presented. As it is, you’ve done little more than throw a fit and prove you have nothing in the tank.

            http://biologos.org/questions/fine-tuning
            http://www.strangenotions.com/when-something-becomes-nothing/

            So the burden of proof is on YOU.

            “As for Marxism
            1. Belief they are the one true ideology: False. You’re apparently confusing Marxism with Communism. Marxism isn’t an ideology, it’s a system of analyzing history, society, economy, etc.

            There’s a reason actual, no kidding real world sciences use Marxism to analyze the real world, but not Mormonism – and this is not done by communists. It’s also possible you’re not familiar

            with what the word “ideology” means (coincidentally enough, ideology and its nature and definition are a classical concern of Marxism).”

            This is so wrong that it borders on satire. So let’s begin.

            1. If I had meant Communism, I would have said Communism, duchess.

            2. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, an Ideology is:
            “a system of ideas and ideals, especially one which forms the basis of policy, practice or worldview whether political, economical, philosophical, et al….”

            You said:
            “…it’s a system of analyzing history, society, economy, etc. ”

            In one sentence you just denied and then admitted that Marxism is an ideology. Oh, sweet unconscious satire. ;)

            3. No, “real world sciences” use (surprise, surprise) science to analyze the real world. Not Marxism, Creationism, or Mormonism. There is no “Marxist” way to look at science. Only
            Marxist ways to abuse science to their own ends (same as any other ideology who puts the meta-narrative first). Karl Popper wrote extensively on the subject of Marxist Pseudo-Science
            and dismissed it all as being ideologically driven drivel (as it makes claims on history and predicted action which simply do not pan out and compromises scientific neutrality).

            You just demonstrated ideologically blinkered argumentation.

            “2. Again, wrong. Marxism isn’t beholden to a specific text. It’s not a religious dogma reliant on a holy text for validity, it’s a system of thought that actually invites (gasp!) critical thought. If

            you think Marxism is a belief system bas ed aroun d a text, then it’s possible you’re getting your information from Rush Limbaugh.”

            1. Oh really? Is that why Marx was known for tempermentally tossing out people who questioned his work or did not pretend his writings were made of gold, while he was alive (Jules Guesde, Paul Lafargue, etc)? Sounds like someone believed the only beliefs worth having came from his text. So much for “inviting critical thinking”.

            2. Given the legion of fanboys he had in his day and still does who swear up and down that his work is unassailable and any divergence from it is tantamount to treason and subsequent

            retaliation (as Christopher Hitchens, AC Greyling, and others would attest to) , it sounds like a fundamentalist centralization of ideology around a single text.

            3. Actually, I get my information from books, articles, and other pieces of physical evidence. Something you apparently do not do (hence your poor performance here).
            They’re called “facts”, sunshine.

            “3. Which one, Marx or Engels? What exactly do you think is the relation of either one of those men to the though of Marxian scholars today?”

            See my response above.

            So far we’ve determined two things:
            1. By your own definition and by historical analysis , Marxism meets all three points set out.
            2. Your arguments have absolutely no steam.

            “Objectivism is a different animal. It’s a much narrower, more simplistic philosophy that doesn’t really hold up to scrutiny, but to say it’s a religion-like philosophy (kind of ironic considering

            how anti-religious the atheist Ayn Rand was) that thinks it’s the one true ideology (which is kind of true, in some ways, but also kind of contradicted by some of its principles), centered

            around a text (which one, Atlas Shrugged or The Fountainhead? Maybe something else?) with “a major figure” (which is a bullshit criteria anyway, in its vagueness and meaninglessness; what

            is the relevance of this?) is incredibly simplistic.”

            1. Given that Rand lashed out (in some cases, violently) against those who disagreed with her and exiled from her circle those who attempted to question Objectivism, the ‘inherent brilliance’

            of her writing (especially Atlas Shrugged which she considered to be her masterpiece the ultimate expression of Objectivist sentiment, beliefs and purpose). or the woman herself(Nathaniel

            Branden would have laughed bitterly in your face for that one), your argument falls flat on it’s face on the first hurdle.

            2. Just because you can’t follow an argument to save your life, doesn’t make said argument ‘bullshit’. I’m simply using the criteria that Daniel set out with and demonstrating that by that criteria both Marxism and Objectivism meet it as well.

            3. I find that if there is anything “simplistic” here, it is your attempt at a rebuttal.

            “You want to feel outraged because….

            No. What I feel is annoyed. Annoyed that you elected to inflict your brand of demonstrably false nonsense on this board.

            “I don’t have the patience to pretend I respect this racist, sexist, homophobic…..”

            1. http://www.orgonelab.org/MarxEngelsQuotes.htm
            http://www.epw.in/discussion/homophobia-name-marxism.html

            2. http://www.affirmation.org
            http://mormonmatters.org/2009/03/10/from-black-panther-to-mormon-the-case-of-eldridge-cleaver/

            See what happens when you ignorantly try to generalize a group of people? There is an old saying:
            “The man who paints with a broad brush, is covered by the same paint at the end of the day”.

            You want to see racist, sexist, homophobes? Look in a mirror.

            3. No, what you don’t have is the wherewithal to produce an argument worth a damn. What you don’t have is even a shred of evidence which would support your flimsy assertions.
            In other words, what you don’t have is wisdom, duchess, and the clarity that comes with it. That’s why I just punctured every last line you wrote.

            “you’re entitled to some kind of explanation of why I don’t respect Mormonism…”

            No, it’s not entitlement. It’s an expectation. The kind of expectation that comes if someone says something challenging presented evidence, it is expected that
            he/she will rise to the challenge and explain why that isn’t the case. You have not done that. So far, all you’ve done is say “Theyz iz rong cuz deyz rong and cuz iz sayz so” and
            leave it at that.

            Given both this and my previous posts, it is clear that all your objections are based on nonsensical foundations and you have
            no actual defense for your position, no knowledge of the people you have it out for, nor even the slightest clue about what has been
            stated up to this point.

            “If so, you’re wrong, and I’m not going to entertain your pocket outrage anymore.”

            1. Translation: “Waaah! I got called out for my ignorance on the internet! Mommy!”

            2. Given the evidence, it seems you are the only one wrong here, skippy.

            “Sorry”

            You certainly are, Countess Chump-ilina.

            If that was your A game, I got to tell you that is some of the sorriest argumentation I’ve ever seen.

            Sources:

            Oxford English Dictionary
            “The Open Society and Its Enemies” by Popper
            “The Main Currents of Marxism” by Kolakowski
            “The Ayn Rand Cult” by Walker
            “My Years with Ayn Rand” by Branden
            “Sex-Life” by Milligan
            “Scattering Of The Saints” edited by Bringhurst and Hamer
            “The Language of God” by Collins

          • Dudley

            Remember when I said I wouldn’t entertain your pocket outrage anymore? Well, I won’t. I did glance over that rant of yours and spotted that you apparently think calling someone “duchess” is an insult, the statement about evidence for religious claims of a divine origin, and the bit where you’re apparently unaware of the role of Marxism in the Social Sciences, each of which confirmed you’re an idiot.

          • ftidus12

            Any actual responses from you? No? What a surprise: another dipshit who talks slag but doesn’t have the stones or intellectual capacity to back it up. Oh well, let me dissect this latest tantrum from you….

            “Remember when I said I wouldn’t entertain your pocket outrage anymore? Well, I won’t.”

            Basically you came in and tried to push your bullshit on everyone here only to be humiliated, your lack of background on any of the subjects you brought up was revealed and you attempt at a rebuttal was countered and you have no response other than to run like a scalded dog.

            You are pathetic, pookie. But thanks for the laughs.

            “I did glance over that rant of yours…”

            Translation: “”Sources?! Evidence?! What?! A cogent argument?! WAAAAAH! Mommy! He called me on my outright bullshit and backed up his statements! I can’t answer that!”

            ” calling someone “duchess” is an insult….”

            Only to those who lack personal confidence in their identity and are as impotent socially as they are intellectually.

            The fact you construed it as an “insult” tells me a whole lot more about your personal
            frailty of ego, then anything else you’ve said here.

            So thank you for making yourself look like an even sadder sack of wasted humanity. ;)

            ” the statement about
            evidence for religious claims of a divine origin,…”

            All of which reveals that you have no interaction with the evidence and in fact have no actual
            answer other than to shut your ears and say “Lalalalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you!”

            So in other words, you are little more than an ideological fanatic who has no basis for his views but what he has accepted uncritically.

            It’s astounding: you find new and amazing ways to utterly piss away even the slightest bit of
            credibility you had with every post, princess.

            “and the bit where
            you’re apparently unaware of the role of Marxism in the Social Sciences…”

            …..the same as the role of Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Capitalism, Fascism,Anarchism et al. in the Social Sciences, princess: relative to its time, ultimately of minimal consequence and the subject of grand steps in historical revisionism by the more zealous among its followers. (as Karl Popper pointed out).

            Read a history book, sweetums. I put that list there for a reason.

            “…each of which confirmed you’re an idiot.”

            Oh yeah….You know since I was the only one who cited sources, or utilized
            scholars of their field, I must be the idiot. Wow. You are precious. The sad part is that
            knowing you, you actually believe that: that all of Academia is a conspiracy to make you
            look like a dumbass.

            Please. Face reality: You are out of gas and recognize that you are getting your head
            punted in on a public forum so you are looking for a way out without
            looking like a weasel.

            Nobody is buying it, Baronness.

            So dry your tears, don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and the next time you decide
            to inflict your indolent ideological crap on an audience? Dont.

            You lack the stomach and the intellect for it, peaches.

          • Dudley

            You need a lot of words just to say you’re an idiot.

          • ftidus12

            …and yet with a single sentence you prove that the only idiot in this long exchange is you, duchess. ;)

            But please do continue to make an ass of yourself, you are comedy GOLD.

          • Dudley

            Yeah, I shouldn’t have called you an idiot. I’m not sure which one of us started with the insults, but either way, I shouldn’t have done that.

            The thing is, there comes a time when you’ve had an argument often enough that you don’t and won’t go over it again with some new keyboard warrior, because, what’s the point? I already know all your arguments, and I already know they’re wrong. If someone starts arguing with me about how creationism is a totally valid theory and about how global warming is a hoax – extreme examples, but they fit – I don’t need to argue with them and trade bibliography to know they’re wrong, and I don’t have to pretend their opinions are equally valid to protect their feelings.

            I don’t need to convince you or anyone else about the origins of Mormonism. It doesn’t matter how many sources you think you have to back you up, or how much you try to argue for your point of view. Mormonism has an easily verified origin that reeks of fraud. And yet, it moves; all your arguments won’t change the reality of things. Same goes for your opinions about Marxism – which are rather poorly misguided – and your dead-end belief that it equates to mormonism as an “ideology”. Do you really want me to provide to you a bibliography to support what I say? I don’t what would be sadder – me bothering to do that, or you bothering to read it.

            So in short, I’m sorry for calling you an idiot. I shouldn’t have done that. And I get that you feel like I should engage with you on some serious debate, complete with bibliography, to defend my opinions. I guess you just have really askew perspectives of what are reasonable expectations to have of this kind of conversation.

            As it is, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you’re wrong, and I don’t owe you an education.

          • ftidus12

            Back for more? Goody goody. ;)

            “Yeah, I shouldn’t have called you an idiot. I’m not sure which one of us started with the insults, but either way, I shouldn’t have done that.”

            No, what you shouldn’t have done is attempt to push your foolishness as fact. What you shouldn’t have done is attempt
            to inflict your unsupported ideological brain farts on the civilized world. What shouldn’t have done is attempt to use a
            entertainment forum as a soapbox for own beliefs and then act like a tit when you were called out on it. What you shouldn’t have done
            is run away from a rebuttal and to cower from facts.

            Listing “What you shouldn’t have done” could fill a hardbound textbooks, sunshine.

            So remember all this before you hit the ‘send’ button again.

            “The thing is, there comes a time when you’ve had an argument often enough that you don’t and won’t go over it again with some new keyboard warrior, because, what’s the point? I already know all your arguments, and I already know they’re wrong….”

            That’s a joke right on it’s face, Slim Sally. For three major reasons:

            1. Your statement amounts to “I know they are wrong because I know they are wrong” which is circular logic and is the callsign of every brain dead fundie and fanatic. Thank you for proving
            my point about your status as a drooling ideologue, Countess.

            2. Look at all you posted. You obviously came in thinking you could win this argument. You came in ready to argue….and yet when I pointed out your historical failings, your logical short

            comings and generally how your very own words sink your argument, you backpedaled faster than Lance Armstrong in a congressional hearing. Had you anything to offer, you would have. You got jaw jacked and you had no response. You aren’t fooling anyone.

            3. Citing your arguments is necessary in ANY debate. If you had actual sources which contested mine, you would have brought them out (especially since the sources I have come from multiple individuals many of whom are sympathetic to the subject matter you represent and yet even they cannot deny facts). The point is you can’t “Trade bibliographies” because you know that your nonsense is unsourced and unsupported. What you spat up are baseless assertions: broad statements that are not supported by evidence nothing more.

            “I don’t need to convince you or anyone else about the origins of Mormonism. It doesn’t matter how many sources you think you have to back you up, or how much you try to argue for your

            point of view. ”

            …namely because I have proven that:

            1. You don’t know anything about them.
            2. You have no evidence for your view.
            3. You are unwilling to even question your views or even answer the evidence when presented with it.
            4. The only one your baseless fantasy has convinced……is you.

            You know what happened when Bill Nye argued with Ken Ham? Both men were asked what would change their views.
            Bill Nye (ever the scientist) answered “Evidence”. Ken Ham (ever the fanatical dimwit) answered “Nothing because I know I am right”.

            Congratulations, you have just proven you are on the level of a YEC loudmouth.

            ” Same goes for your opinions about Marxism – which are rather poorly misguided – and your dead-end belief that it equates to mormonism as an “ideology”. ”

            …and you have no reason why that is…it “just is”?

            Even though the historical record, the record of Marx’s own words and actions, the words and actions of his followers, the very English language, all clearly prove you wrong?

            You are in a sad state, precious. I

            “Do you really want me to provide to you a bibliography to support

            what I say? I don’t what would be sadder – me bothering to do that, or you bothering to read it.”

            No what is sad is the fact that you and I both know you cant and wont. You got nothing, princess.

            “And I get that you feel like I should engage with you on some serious debate, complete with bibliography, to defend my opinions. ”

            Well, considering that would be the action of a mature mind, one that actually possess he capacity for critical thought,
            support for its position and the willingness to defend its beliefs but would be ammenable to evidence…..obviously you dont qualify.

            Oh well, back to your coloring books and building blocks, sunshine. Maybe one day you can step up to the adult table.

            “As it is, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings…”

            Not at all. Actually you were great entertainment. I’m posting this chat around and you are really making my friends and I laugh. So thanks for that. :)

            “but you’re wrong…”

            ….because your ridiculous, broken down, decaying husk of a political ideology says so and you lack the capacity to consider otherwise and the mere thought of evidence makes you break out in hives? Thought so.

            “and I don’t owe you an education.”

            ….which is a good thing, because you obviously lack one yourself.

            Fortunately, I come with knowledge to spare and education in great abundance.

            You know I keep bringing the hammer down on troglodytes like you all over this website and I gotta say…it gets easier every time. XD

            Oh well, here’s one more book for you relevant to our little chat:

            “Failed States” by Chomsky (I highly recommend it)

            …oh and one more thing:

            http://youtu.be/M5QGkOGZubQ?t=3s

          • Dudley

            Alright, so this time I bothered to actually read what you wrote. Seems like basic courtesy really. Turns out it was a waste of both our times, but I guess we wouldn’t be here if we both didn’t have time to kill and didn’t find this kind of stuff even mildly entertaining.

            I wasn’t using this forum as a soapbox for my beliefs. I’m not trying to convince you or anyone else. Only one of us has been getting into involved write ups in an attempt to demonstrate… something. Also, what you seem to continue to miss here is that I don’t take you or your beliefs seriously enough to think they warrant some kind of well-considered explanation of why I have the opinions that I have.

            If your previous long winded posts provided arguments of this caliber, though, then it seems we’ve both been doing nothing but trolling one another. Your posts are just as blunt as mine, only they take way more space, because you probably think you’re actually making some kind of good “argument” instead of acknowledging the nature of the endeavour. My posts on this issue have not changed. I have neither engaged in more serious discussion nor retreated from it. You seem to think it’s the sign of a mature mind to provide bibliography in an “argument” on the comments section of a video about Ultima 7. I used to think the same way, but then I grew up.

            Actually reading your whole post did show me two things: you do have some good taste (Chomsky, I mean), but I was wrong to take back saying that you’re an idiot. Turns out I didn’t even know yet how right I was. Guess nobody’s perfect.

            And at the end of the day, Mormonism is still a homophobic made-up religion.

          • ftidus12

            “Alright, so this time I bothered to actually read what you wrote. Seems like basic courtesy really. Turns out it was a waste of both our times, but I guess we wouldn’t be here if we both
            didn’t have time to kill and didn’t find this kind of stuff even mildly entertaining.”

            Translation: “I am butthurt and yet I am a glutton for punishment on a level that would make Leopold von Sacher-Masoch blush.”

            Alright. Far be it from me to deny you the further beating that you obviously seek.

            But one thing before we start….’basic courtesy’? You obviously lack even that, given the fact that you still haven’t answered a single
            rebuttal nor have you done anything more than blabber on and continue to do nothing more than ignore most of what I said.

            You fool no one, pookie.

            ” I wasn’t using this forum as a soapbox for my beliefs. I’m not trying to convince you or anyone else. Only one of us has been getting into involved write ups in an attempt to demonstrate… something. ”

            1. Given your long ass post in response to my initial statement, that’s a lie right on the face of the first sentence.

            2. Considering your attempts to repeat the same statement about the same ideology (viz Mormonism), over and over again, it is clear that the second part of this statement is
            also patently false.

            You are still here because not only do you believe your own bullshit, you feel that you must constantly bring it up. You are trying to convince someone…but given
            your performance here, that’s obviously not going to happen.

            “Also, what you seem to continue to miss here is that I don’t take you or your beliefs seriously enough to think they warrant some kind of well-considered explanation of why I have the

            opinions that I have.”

            *Points at your above screeds*

            No, see that’s the problem, duchess: I didn’t miss anything. Like I pointed out before: Had you anything to offer, you would have. You got jaw jacked and you had no response. You aren’t
            fooling anyone. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have wasted time typing up that empty rhetorical cul-de-sac a few posts above. The reason you have offered no explanation is that you don’t have one.

            …and given recent events, you never will.

            “If your previous long winded posts provided arguments of this caliber, though, then it seems we’ve both been doing nothing but trolling one another.”

            Actually what I’ve been doing tossing you off the proverbial Rickenbacker Falls.

            What you’ve been doing however….:
            http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v339/Zecro/trolling.png

            See, “trolling” suggests that you got a rise out of your target. That you upset them or at the very least made them waste time.

            You have done neither. I’ve answered fools like you for years. At this point, I crumple up poseurs like you with the ease and bored detachment that most people crumple paper.
            I used to get excited at the prospect of debating sad sacks like you. Now hammering impotent clods is something I do on reflex. So what do I do it for? Mostly, I use these little intellectual
            beatdowns I hand out as a way to counteract boredom during downtime at my office (usually with a minesweeper game in the other corner) and using the opportunity to make people aware of real scholars (hence why I put up my sources in the first place).

            “Your posts are just as blunt as mine, only they take way more space, because you probably think you’re actually making some kind of good “argument” instead of acknowledging the nature of the endeavour.”

            At this point, it’s more me stomping on your head. It’s not a challenge for me to do (honestly, making a good argument against you is easy considering
            you don’t actually have any knowledge to counter with).

            As for being ‘blunt’, well, I call it how I see it, princess. You made alot of bullshit claims and I pointed them out. Simple as that.

            Dry your tears, pookums. :)

            “And at the end of the day, Mormonism is still a homophobic made-up religion.”

            …says the guy with the homophobic, made up political ideology. :)

            It’s amazing really: I don’t particularly cotton to Mormonism nor am I
            interested in their views and philosophy. Yet, even with a basic understanding
            of who they are, I’ve been able to make you look like a buffoon.

            Ouch. That’s gotta sting, Betty.

            “My posts on this issue have not changed.”

            Fanatics never do and as I’ve demonstrated you are nothing if not a fundie of a secular stripe.

            Glad you admit that.

            “I have neither engaged in more serious discussion nor retreated from it.”

            *points at your previous posts*

            You tried….and you failed, duchess. A fact clear to anyone reading this.

            ” You seem to think it’s the sign of a mature mind to provide bibliography in an “argument”……”

            It is when you were obviously trying to prove something.

            …but unfortunately for you, you lack that maturity. A fact reflected in the
            absolute drubbing you’ve been given here.

            “….but then I grew up.”

            Given your behavior here, the immaturity of your statements, the flaws in your ideological framework, and your embarrassingly obvious back peddle, it’s obvious that statement is false.

            Now run along and change your diaper, dolly. Your last few posts are in there and need to be put in the waste disposal bin. XD

            “…..but I was wrong to take back saying that you’re an idiot.”

            Oooh. What’s next? Calling me a “doodie head”? You are one sad, strange little twat fly, aren’t you?

            Seems pretty clear by now that the only “idiot” here looks at you in the mirror when you brush your yellowed teeth in the morning.

        • ftidus12

          No….no it isnt. You obviously don’t know a thing about them (their ‘spiritual advice’ comes from a variety of sources and theologians, not just the Book of Mormon, which even the most basic overview of their faith would tell you) Furthermore, Joseph Smith may be their founder, but he is far from being their primary figure (the Mormons place that primacy on Jesus ).

          I am not a Mormon (nor am I particularly interested in their beliefs), and even I know that.

          Besides: let’s break down your comment on the basis of your three
          “points” (and even that is a stretch)

          1. Belief they are the one true ideology
          2. Basis of belief being centered around a text
          3. A major figure

          You just described every single major major ideology (secular and religious). You might as well have declared that Lord British turned them all into Randians or Marxists (and you’d be just as wrong).

        • james smith

          ALL religions believe they are the one true Religion

  • RobinAdams78

    The Guardian can’t just smite anyone with lightning at any time. I think he could only do that when the Wall of Lights was open. I don’t know why he didn’t just blast the Avatar too, but then, why did he drop the Avatar on Pagan instead of just crushing him? Maybe the real plot to Ultima 9 would have cleared it up.

    15:56 – Kermit the Frog is a serpent?

    • ftidus12

      Technically, Kermit is a Lovecraftian horror beyond the reckoning of mortal minds. But “serpent” will do for now.

  • wizzbang

    THINGS ON THINGS

    • Daniel Tilson

      Here’s some things to put on things to make some things to put on more things!

      • ftidus12

        Too many things are on things! She can’t take much more of this captain!

  • Garmrspor

    Ya… Pretty much a faaaiiil all around.

  • James Rice

    I had something very similar happen the first time i played through morrowind. I unknowingly sold off an essential endgame item and ended up having to play back throungh nearly 30 hours of gameplay to fix this mistake.

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