Invasion U.S.A.

The Spoony One | May 8 2009 | more notation(s) | 
Invasion U.S.A.

A Review by Noah Antwiler

Ah, the 80s: a fearful, turbulent decade that tested our national resolve as never before! I was just growing up in those years, so when I did some research I was amazed at how much I'd been sheltered of geopolitical situation of terror that surrounded the United States leading up to the fall of the Berlin Wall. You think the Cuban Missile Crisis was the closest we ever came to destruction? Hell no! In the 80s the Cold War was still going strong! Democracy was never more threatened than when Reagan was in office, pissing off the Communists and (even worse!) the air traffic controllers while Nancy was busy formulating national policy with astrological charts. Islamic radicals were making travel a nightmare because of a rash of international bombings and hijackings. To the south, the major drug cartels such as the Medellin were shipping an unprecedented amount of cocaine into the U.S.. The eyes of the nation were fearfully locked on such global flashpoints as Beirut, Nicaragua, Israel, Palestine, Iran, Grenada, Cambodia, Korea, and Newfoundland (oh come on, you know those damn Newfies are up to something). Margaret Thatcher was PM of Great Britain (holy crap!) when Argentina invaded the Falklands. Most dire of all, the New Kids on the Block topped the charts!

America needed heroes! Who were we to turn to when things were grim, and all hope was lost?

MacGyver?

Hell no! MacGyver didn't even carry a gun, the pussy! We needed men who exercised their right to bear arms, and lots of them! We needed true Americans like Sylvester Stallone, Charles Bronson, and Arnold Schwartzenegger! Hell yeah! If not for those brave men we might never have survived the 80s without being forced to learn Russian. But the greatest of them all, lord of the pantheon, king of the roundhouse kick, is none other than Chuck Norris. Few people know that every movie made about Chuck is autobiographical, but if you look at the evidence you'll see that we owe our very national identity to Mr. Norris. He dealt with all of those crises that I mentioned above: the drug cartels? Islamic hijackings? Try Delta Force! Korea? Vietnam? Missing in Action! And (in my opinion, his greatest unsung victory) his karate battle with the Antichrist in Hellbound. The man roundhouse-kicked the devil, people. The New Kids? Well...there are some evils that even Chuck Norris can't defeat with karate.

One of the only production companies with the balls to tell these all-important tales of jingoism and consequence-free violence was Golan-Globus. Before their downfall around 1990, they were prolific purveyors of pound-ass flicks. And despite all of this, despite such classics as Death Wish 3, very few people remember the company by name! In my mind, there's only one word that springs to mind when I think of Golan-Globus:

MENDOZAAAA!!
Fear the farts of Chuck Norris!

They were all about that kind of movie! Stupid, loud movies where the good guys are hardcore bulletproof motherfuckers and the bad guys are slimy little shits. And for me, the dumbest, loudest, most Chuck Norrisey movie ever made was CHUCK NORRIS INVASION U.S.A.. No, it's not just Invasion U.S.A. Take another look at this cover. The words CHUCK NORRIS are huge! Maybe even bigger than the title, and the words CHUCK NORRIS are in red to draw your eyes to them first. The color of blood and death!

Look how huge Chuck is in this picture, with his awesome beard and manly mullet, bulging out of his sleeveless denim shirt and package-crushing denim pants. He didn't button his shirt, but he tucked it in. He's no slob. He's like a mountain of muscular blueness. Notice the cloud of devastation flying out of Chuck's ass that's sent whole armies running in terror. Observe the twin Uzis firing in two different directions, and Chuck's not even aiming either way. He doesn't care! He's staring right at you, sucker, with the eyes of a maniac, a goddamn killer! That look says "Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker." No, no, it doesn't even say that. It's just...RAW MANLINESS. It says "Testosterone!" No! Too complicated! It just says "BALLS!" Chuck Norris' balls are being crushed in blue jeans eight sizes too tight, and he's PISSED AS HELL.

Now you might think by the cover alone that CHUCK NORRIS was invading the U.S.A., but you'd be a damn fool if you did. Nope, for once Chuck isn't the one doing the invading. Instead he's the one man who can hold back the thrust of the Communist menace from darkening our forspacious skies, raping our purple mountains' majesty, and pillaging our fruited plains. Where the U.S. Military gets slapped around like a ginger stepson named Leslie, CHUCK NORRIS stands stalwart in the path of destruction shouting "You know where you are?? You in the jungle, baby! You gonna dieeeeee! BALLS!"

CHUCK NORRIS INVASION U.S.A. would have been huge if not for Red Dawn being released a year earlier and stealing all of its thunder! Fucking Patrick Swayzee and Charlie Sheen. "Wolverines" my ivory cornhole! CHUCK NORRIS would kick all of your asses!

The movie doesn't dick around. It opens up with a shot of a small boat resting on the calm seas when BAM! It unloads with both barrels and drops the biggest CHUCK NORRIS credit I've ever seen in letters that consume two-thirds of the screen! After the awe of seeing Chuck's name passes, we can see that the boat is covered in Cuban refugees, half-starved and making a desperate flight to America. And why wouldn't they? We're the greatest country in the world, and I'm not just saying that! I was born here! Right or wrong, I support the home team. That's the Republican way.

A child on the boat points out an approaching Coast Guard cutter, probably coming to send the Cubans back. We don't need those Commies bringing their missiles and their Spanish Castro-speak into our country. It could be a trick, and if it isn't they'll just want health care and jobs, and the right to vote. A scarecrow-looking fellow on the foredeck of the cutter looks down on the Cubans and holds his hands out wide. "Welcome to the United States!" he declares in Spanish, moments before the entire crew opens up with machineguns and kills everyone on board. See, now that's a border policy Ann Coulter can really get behind, the skeezing devil-bitch.

The captain brings out another Cuban from below-decks, presumably some kind of informant, and together they uncover a massive stash of cocaine! I knew those Cubans were up to no good! At least our good Coast Guard captain stopped these criminals before they unloaded this illicit cargo on the American black market. No doubt he'll properly document and report this cache of illegal narcotics before destroying it like any responsible officer would.

Dang, I think I just broke my Sarcasmotron. I'll have to play the rest of this movie straight, and I'm only five minutes in.

After the requisite badass title sequence where the words "INVASION U.S.A." are rendered in huge bold chrome letters, we see a sweeping shot of the Florida Everglades. Humming across the swampland is none other than CHUCK NORRIS atop a Zodiac-like single-engine swampmobile. He's got his shirt unbuttoned, mosquitoes and other bugs are meeting their deaths by the hundreds against his massive, oiled pecs, his mullet is flying back majestically in the wind, and the stern, squint-eyed expression on his face seems to convey that the only reason he's driving around is because he's looking for some ass to kick. The orchestral score is fittingly bombastic, full of rich trumpets and brass, with a pounding "BOM BOM BOM" refrain that just makes you want to say "CHUCK NOR-RIS" in time with it.

He's the guy invading the USA?
Check please.

Elsewhere, two homicide cops are discussing the massacre on the refugee boat. They're rather upset to learn that a reporter beat everyone to the scene. If you guessed that she's a shrill, bitchy chick who talks tough and whines at people the whole movie (but is still completely helpless and needs the hero to rescue her half a dozen times), you'd be right. She's the sort who expects cops to tremble away from her press pass like vampires from a crucifix, and shrieks "haven't you bastards heard of the First Amendment" when none of them do. I'm not one to advocate violence against women (far from it) but she's the kind of sidekick that desperately needs to be punched in the mouth so that she'll stop snarking "you got a problem with that" at people. Like Téa Leoni in that god-awful film Deep Impact (and she was the main character!) or Rob Schneider in Judge Dredd. Yeeeeeesh.

Back in the Everglades, Chuck and a friend are roping an alligator. Not what I would have guessed.

We then see the bad guy of the Coast Guard vessel (although this time he's dressed in a more sensible suit) walking through a scuzzy ghetto flophouse. There are saggy-boobed hookers with cleavage the size of the Marianas Trench standing around in doorways, hustling their crusty asses for blow money. Various angry-looking hispanic folks flicking switchblades around in the air. Reminds me of the cheap dorms when I went to college. The bad guy in question is played by Richard Lynch, a pasty fellow with a disproportionately large head and a matronly Barbara Walters hairdo, only whiter. Maybe not Barbara Walters. Maybe Merle Haggard. He's no stranger to playing the baddie in movies like this, only you might know him best as the womany Dr. Noel from MST3K's Werewolf ("He begins to take on a number of strange body habits. Sleeping like a coyote: nose to anus.").

The bad guy goes into an office and meets an even more skeletal figure than himself. His head resembles a skull spray-painted with Nude. I, of course, recognize this guy as a previous CHUCK NORRIS movie villain from Delta Force III, where he played drug kingpin Ramon Cota. I'm an incredibly sad human being with no life, of course, so I would know these things. Anyway, Cota gives him an exaggerated slimy lingering look and says "Ooooookay. Impress me." If Richard Lynch starts reaching for his pants, I'm leaving.

Instead he deposits the bag full of cocaine that he acquired earlier on the desk. Cota makes a call and we can see a room full of badass-lookin' dudes opening crates and doing badass-type things to a myriad of high explosives and assault weapons. You know, basically disassembling, re-assembling, but mainly racking the actions back and forth to make that cool *CHAK-CHAK* noise. It's quite an impressive array of weapons, too. Somewhere Charleton Heston just busted a nut. Cota and his skanky switchblade-slingin' aide promptly dip their fingers into the high-grade white stuff and suck it down like it was Pixie Stix. Cota gets up and walks around while his lady friend starts pounding nails! Dang, woman! Pace yourself! Most puzzling to me is that Cota has three phones on this desk: a black one, a white one, and a red one to contact Commissioner Gordon. The walls are bare except for a poster of a matador and a miniature wireframe ukulele. Cota tells the bad guy it's been a pleasure doing business with him.

"The pleasure is all mine," he growls, then punches the woman in the back of the head! This drives her head down into the desk, impaling her through the nasal cavity on the metal tube she was using to snort cocaine!! (Continuity Check: the ukulele on the wall is missing. And that's the first time those words have ever been written.) Then he throws Cota up against the wall, takes his gun, shoots the guards outside, then jams the gun back down the front of Cota's pants and blows his nuts off! Holy shit, this guy is evil!

Handgun Safety Tip #13: Don't tuck a loaded gun in the front of your pants.

Everglades again. Chuck's friend, John Eagle is trying to sell the alligator from before. Chuck comes out to help load it into the boat, and he looks a little upset. He's changing into another shirt because wrasslin' the gator got his old clothes dirty. The new shirt is blue like before, but it's not denim and it's clearly bugging him. John Eagle tries to make him feel better by brandishing a jar full of frogs at him, "Hey Matt, wanna come to dinner tonight? Fried, steamed, barbequed? Your choice!" I like my Crunchy Frog dipped in lark's vomit, if you please.

"Heh heh, Crunchy Frog..."

Chuck get a hundred-mile stare and says "God I'm sick of frogs" in a way that makes me think of "Saigon. I can't believe I'm still in Saigon." I often berate Chuck's acting ability but if I had a crazy old Indian feeding me frogs every time I came over I'd probably have the same reaction.

That night, a CIA spook awkwardly rows up to Chuck's shack and starts poking around. Instead of knocking he walks right in the front door! Are you out of your mind? The spook's lucky that Chuck only throws him in a choke hold. "I'm not...interested..." he snarls before tossing the little twerp away.

"The Company really needs you this time!" the little guy insists. "Rostov might be in the country."

"You should've let me kill him the first time," is the reply. "Now he's your problem." Typical D.C. pencil-pushers, always getting in the way. That's why Matt Hunter left the CIA. This way he can kill whoever he wants without any bureaucratic crap! Why? Because he gets results!

We can see Rostov sneaking around outside a major diplomatic function at a sprawling estate. He readies a rocket launcher and is about to fire it into the building when he hears a gun click behind him. "Not this time, Rostov..." Chuck whispers in his snakelike Sick Freak voice. "It's time to die..." Rostov looks up fearfully at Hunter, but instead of shooting him, Chuck kicks him in the face! That's just as lethal!

Rostov wakes up screaming in his bed and tells his men "we have to kill that bastard before we start the operation." But his aide is incredulous.

"You're obsessed," he scoffs, "he's only one man. What can he do?"

"Dude, he's CHUCK NORRIS!!" Rostov says. But the aide won't listen. Damn fool. He's only the most ultimatest super-soldier ever.

But Rostov isn't an idiot. He leads a squad of men down to the swamp on some airboats. John Eagle sees them and warns Hunter just in time! He dives through the window just as Rostov and his men kill the old man, then blow the holy Jesus out of his shack with rocket launchers and grenades! Rostov's men keep shooting, but he orders a halt to it and they speed away. So wait, Matt Hunter defeated you once. He's haunted your dreams for years. You wake up screaming because of the guy nightly. You know that he's the only threat to your master plan even over the United States military. You go out of your way to track him down in the Florida Everglades where he has no mailing address or phone, likely at considerable expense, and you can't even spend twenty seconds to go see if the guy is dead?? What, are the police likely to come?

Well Matt Hunter didn't care if Rostov conquered America before, but then he went and made it personal by trying to blow up his pet armadillo. That's not a euphemism; he really did have a pet armadillo. Relax, it lives. But Chuck is pissed off now. They destroyed all his best denim. He goes to town and collects his Indestructible Truck. Because when you cross Walker: Texas Ranger, there's only one thing left to say:

MENDOZAAAA!!
Only Chuck Norris can teach these terrorists
the Christmas spirit.

Things are moving fast now! Rostov leads his men in a daring beach assault, which is defended only by a shagging couple of beach bums (the man wearing the most upsetting pair of clinging swim-panties I've ever seen). Hunter meets up with his CIA contact and simply tells him "I'll take the assignment. But remember...(Dramatic orchestra sting) I work alone." I love that. You never see a macho dude say "I'm on the case, chief, but can you get me a really annoying partner? My last guy got killed." I'm just waiting for the moment when he goes to that storage locker every action hero has full of hand grenades and automatic weapons already laid out.

Rostov starts his campaign of terror in suburbia, which is alight with Christmas cheer. But Rostov (the big Grinch) will have none of it. He pulls up in a pickup truck-- you can always tell the terrorists are on camera when you hear the score do that intense *BOM BOM BOM* sting-- and starts shooting into every house on the street with a bazooka. What's really amazing is that he shoots around eight times without even reloading it. That's some bazooka! I think maybe he's using hax. Oooooh this guy is evil. Not only is he a terrorist but he's ruining Christmas! Now I really hate him.

He also stirs up some trouble by having his men dress as cops and open fire on minorities to stir up ethnic unrest. Chuck is driving his truck around seemingly at random looking for Communists. Along the way he sees hookers, gang members, pimps, pushers, and more slime on the streets than Robocop's ever had to clean up in Old Detroit. Finally he stops at a bar (and any time you refer to a bar in the same context with CHUCK NORRIS you can instantly replace the entire train of thought with the words "obligatory bar fight."). He goes inside to twist a few arms and find out where he can score some good denim. He also gets some word about where he might find Rostov and-- wait a minute...this can't be. He goes into a bar and walks out without a massive karate battle? What the hell! Oh sure, he roughs up one guy at the door who talks tough, but that doesn't count! I want my money back.

Hunter tracks down the guy his source mentioned, one of Rostov's men who frequents a strip joint. Ohhhh, now I get it! The bar was a tease! He's going to the nudie bar for the real fight scene. Okay. We see Rostov's lackey (who I'll just call Manny) availing himself of a doughy prostitute. He's busy undressing when Hunter knifes his hand into a nightstand and starts squeezing him for info. While Manny spills the beans, the hooker gets some backup in the form of a gigantic, gorilla-looking hunk of muscle with arms bigger than my legs. (See? Told you there'd be a fight!) We don't hear where the attack will be, but Manny says "...that's all I know! I was supposed to be there by now!" Weren't planning on taking long with that hooker, were you?

Speaking of her, she comes back with her 'roided-up reinforcements. Chuck drops him with a single pump-kick to the chest. One hit? Aw boo! Where's all the karate? Hunter presses a live grenade into Manny's hand (where did he get that?) and whispers "If you live through this, tell Rostov it's time to die..."

It occurs to me at this moment that Chuck hadn't really perfected his acting method yet. It's...how shall I put it...one-note. At best.

The terrorists strike next at the local mall, abuzz with Christmastime shoppers and the spirit of commercialism, and deck the halls with boughs of murder!! One terrorist, a gangly man who looks like a nefarious Andy Dick drops off a bomb concealed as a simple shopping bag in the middle of a department store. A particularly nosy customer notices this and grabs the bag, following Andy and shouting "Excuse me sir! You forgot your bag!" Andy wheels around in horror with a priceless "oh shit!" look on his face and starts speed-walking away. But the man is not deterred! He starts running after the terrorist, waving the bomb-bag overhead. Now Andy starts running full-tilt away, then throwing other people down behind him to impede pursuit. Amazingly, the customer still chases after him at a run, howling "your bag!" as he vaults fallen old ladies and fallen children. Asshole, if he wanted the bag he wouldn't be fleeing from you like a frightened zebra and clotheslining people out of their socks to block your path. It's my usual response to survey-takers and people who try to sell me cell-phones.

Andy Dick's terrorist buddies step in and shoot into the crowd. The bomb drops and explodes, taking out a Hallmark gift shop and its entire selection of tiny license plate keychains that have every name possible on them unless it's "Samir" or "Noah." But Matt Hunter is just in time. He drives his Indestructible Truck straight through the mall entrance and swerves it into the front of a Men's Warehouse. Wow. Lucky guess on which mall entrance to drive into. He backs out of the store as a dozen men hammer at his truck with assault rifles, which fail to hinder it in any way. Chuck guns the engine, throws the truck into gear and drives straight through them, crushing one man through a storefront.

Chuck comes out shooting, brandishing twin Uzis holstered at his sides in a custom leather harness. Now where in the hell did he get those? The terrorists have him outnumbered and outgunned, but luckily Hunter equipped himself with a brand-new blue denim shirt to deflect the bullets. He takes cover in Santa's Village and then carries out a protracted gun battle using the fake snow banks as cover. I'm serious. Even funnier, the battle spills over past Santa's house and into the nearby Nativity scene. Joseph, Mary, and the three kings of the Orient have ring-side seats to Bloody Christmas at the mall! Tip the manger over and use it as cover, Chuck!

"Joseph! Mary! Take the baby and go!
Get to da choppa!"

One of the terrorists lobs a grenade, flushing Hunter away. He dives out of the way just as the Nativity scene explodes! Jesus, noooooooooooooo!

Andy Dick tries to run down Hunter with a hotwired Nissan truck, but Chuck sidesteps it and, in the same motion, grabs onto the roll-bar and hangs off the side! Oh sure, any other man's arms would have been ripped off as the truck roared by at thirty miles an hour, but remember who we're talking about here. The terrorist tries to shake him off the side by driving through every single thing in the mall! I challenge anyone watching this scene not to start humming the song that was playing when the Blues Brothers started driving through the mall and destroying everything in their path. Chuck falls off the truck as they crash out into the parking lot and collect hostages. Then the bitchy reporter drives up and-- wait a minute, what in the hell is she doing here? She couldn't have possibly known anything was happening here, certainly not in time to show up this quickly! I call foul!

Hunter pushes her out of the way and commandeers the car so he can give chase. Andy Dick is driving one-handed at high speeds through the city, using his other hand to hold a woman hostage by the waist hanging out his window. Dang, he's strong. Hunter drives alongside while the reporter grabs the hostage, then throws a hand grenade through the truck's window. Where in the heck is he getting all these explosives? I never saw him carrying that! I'm beginning to think that this movie isn't playing entirely fair.

Rostov is, needless to say, quite displeased with Manny who sang like a canary about the mall hit. He's completely aghast that Hunter survived the ambush (and he was so thorough, too!) and demands to know what Hunter said to Manny. Manny delivers Hunter's "It's time to die" message, then spits in Rostov's face. Oh Manny, bad move...Rostov sticks a gun in his crotch and shoots him twice right in the daddy-berries. Dude, I know you're a terrorist and all, but that's just not cool. Kill him, torture him, cover him in bacon and feed him to piranhas, but don't shoot him in the nuts. That's against the code. It's against Man Law.

The perpetually two-steps-behind Exposition Cops show up at the wreckage of the mall and wonder aloud who's behind all this destruction. They talk about Hunter's Indestructible Truck and how it was stolen out of the impound lot earlier. "We're doing one hell of a job," sighs one. Yeah tell me about it. It's a good thing we have the Department of Homeland Security to protect our civil rights now, and we can count on the government to take care of us in any time of crisis, right? Guys? Hello? The other cop agrees that they couldn't find their own bungholes with a can of strawberry jam and a horny Ryan Seacrest and mentions that half the other cops are calling in sick just to get out of this movie. Man, 911 is a joke.

Aaaaah! Denim tent! Denim Tent!

The next night, Hunter is again cruising the streets with no apparent goal in mind but looking for Communists. The streets are nearly empty now save for the National Guard who don't seem to be doing much of anything other than sitting on their butts and waiting for real soldiers to show up. Pretty close to real life, actually. (Send your fan mail to...)

A jeep pulls in front of Chuck's Indestructible Truck (hey, that rhymes!) and the Chinese driver walks up to the window and asks if Hunter has any ID. Hunter says "sure" and mows him down with Uzi fire (He had an accent! Better safe than sorry!). Then he kills the rest of the soldiers and executes anyone still twitching. Great guy.

We find Rostov orchestrating a church bombing. Now he's wearing black leather, head to toe and looks more than a little uncomfortable. He's got to be sweating balls in that. The guy setting up the bomb plants a suitcase at the foot of the stairs with enough plastic explosive to wipe out Alderaan. He runs to a safe distance-- well okay, he runs to the other side of the street. With that much explosives a safe distance would probably be an underground bunker two miles away-- arms the detonator and....nothing! He tries again, to no effect.

CHUCK NORRIS appears on the rooftop over the thugs as a triumphant fanfare sounds, and he's holding the briefcase. How he got it without them seeing is anybody's guess. "Didn't work, huh?" Then he drops the suitcase in the middle of the group and crosses the fuse wires. "Now it will." KABOOM! Awfully small explosion for that much C4, though...

Hunter has some anger-management issues.

The next morning, we see the lady reporter along with a bunch of other people in front of a local market just as the terrorists roll up in their jeeps and attack! Instantaneously, Hunter's Indestructible Truck speeds to the rescue. He smashes onto the scene, leaps out, and kills everything wearing camo. In a head-scratching moment of movie magic, one of the store's stocker clerks somehow produces a shotgun and kills one of the Communists before being shot. That's something you don't see every day, is all: a cart-boy taking up arms to fight Communism with CHUCK NORRIS.

One of them takes Annoying Reporter Lady hostage (oh, don't tempt me) and starts calling Hunter out. But Hunter somehow steps out behind the guy [!!!], grabs his gun and uses it to blow his brains out. Whaaaaat? Did I miss something?? When the hell did Chuck find time to run a complete lap around the store and behind this guy? Can CHUCK NORRIS step between dimensions?

Check it out: Chuck's not even holding the trigger.
This dude totally caps himself in the head!

Annoying Reporter Lady is (naturally) pissed off that the hero saved her ass, spewing the usual litany of curses like "You could have gotten me killed!" and "What the hell is wrong with you?" I'm not really paying any attention because my gaze is drawn inexorably to Chuck's horrible, way too-tight blue jeans. I mean, I'm not gay or anything but look at this thing; it's like he's got an armadillo in his trousers. Hey...wait, he does own an armadillo, come to think of it...

Shut up! I am not!

Later, some of the locals finally realize that the military is doing jack squat about this invasion and load up with guns (somewhere, Heston's other nut just went). They load all their children into a school bus bound for "the country". But as soon as the bus gets underway, we see the terrorists tailing them (*BOM BOM BOM*). The movie cuts between showing us the terrorists trying to discreetly pull up alongside the bus so they can stick a bomb onto it, and the interior of the bus where the kids are singing the longest, most joyless rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" ever recorded. It sounds basically like what you'd expect a second-grade class to sing if you held them at gunpoint after strangling a puppy to let them know you're serious.

As soon as the bad guys stick the time bomb to the side of the bus, we see Hunter pull off to the shoulder of the road and give chase! How in the hell does he always manage to show up in the exact right place at the exact right time? He catches up to the bus just as the kids are going into their 500th shambling rendition of the song, plucks the bomb off the side, and drives back up to the terrorists' car. He shows them the bomb and says "Looking for this?" as he smacks it onto the hood of the car. How does he even know what the Communists' car looked like? I don't know what's going on here!

"Been a blast knowing y-- Hey! The car's empty!"

Hunter goes off to deliver his plan to Pasty the CIA Spook while a news reporter explains that the governors in all fifty states are collaborating in the same building to discuss their plans to turn back the tide of terror and to discuss the possible suspension of civil rights. All fifty governors? Are Hawaii and South Dakota being invaded. As far as I can tell this is being kept local to the Florida/Dade County area, and you want the governor of Idaho to throw his two cents in on national defense. And is it really wise to gather all the major figures of state government in the middle of a war zone, no matter how well-protected you think it is? Enh, it's probably Hunter's plan to bait Rostov anyway, but he's an idiot if he actually falls for it.

Chuck's in his room watching an olde-tyme black-and-white sci-fi flick when the cops crash in through the windows, shock and awe style. The tubby cop takes the stairs because I don't think the building could have withstood the wrecking ball impact of him rappelling inside. "We got ya," he sneers, "I don't know who you are. I don't know who you think you are or who you're fighting for, but it's people like you who are turning this nation upside-down. But nobody, but nobody is above the law!" The nation is full of guys in uniform overtly shooting rocket launchers into private residences, and the police have wasted their time tracking down the only guy doing anything about it? I bet it was real easy to find him with your vantage point behind that desk, sitting on four boxes of Krispy Kremes, eh chief? Can't you see he gets results?? What about the rights of that little girl??

MENDOZAAAA!!

Anyway, Chuck doesn't even listen. He just keeps flippin' channels like El Tubbo wasn't even there reading him the riot act. Awesome.

But it's all part of Hunter's plan. The cops parade Hunter in front of the TV cameras where he delivers his "Rostov, it's time to die" line in that stone-cold killer whisper that he's still working on. Rostov flips out, throws his television, and orders everyone to mobilize at once. They raid a garage full of armored cars, steal them, and drive up to the building where Hunter is being held, guns a-blazing. They blow through the military checkpoints in loaded trucks, armored cars, and military jeeps, shooting everyone they see! The military has, of course, deployed heavy concrete and steel hedgehogs, but for some mysterious reason they don't seem to have much of an effect...

Could it be that vehicle barricades are useless
WHEN YOU LEAVE A HUGE FUCKING PATH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD
THAT YOU COULD DRIVE A DUMP TRUCK THROUGH?

Look at those things! They're fucking useless! I mean, I know this is a trap and Hunter WANTS them to drive into it, but you might as well line the path with a red carpet and have a dude with light batons guiding them in. The bad guys seize the building easily (considering nobody's in it) and only realize they're in deep kimshee when the trap has long since closed behind them. They step back outside and find themselves completely surrounded. The terrorists hold out a surprisingly long time considering they're facing tanks, vehicles with mounted high-caliber machineguns, attack choppers, and trained marksmen. I mean, there are about fifty terrorists, surrounded, on foot.

Chuck smokes Rostov's escape helicopter with his rocket launcher (he has one now, just roll with it) and stalks the halls of the office building dispatching Commie sonsabitches left and right with his Uzis. One guy sneaks around, looking for him when...

BOOT TO THE HEAD!!

That kick comes out of nowhere, man! Now that's the CHUCK NORRIS that I know! Then the idiot reaches for his gun and Chuck blows him away. Poor bastard should have stayed down. After dispatching another wave of baddies, he discards his Uzis for a rifle, using his telepathic Terrorist Sense to detect where Rostov is hiding. We're talking a 30-story building and he knows instinctively where to go. He approaches a doorway, behind which we can see two baddies hiding, just waiting for him to pass through so they can shoot him. Just before opening the door, Chuck stops, sensing the danger and blows away two guys he never even saw!

Rostov attacks, but quickly loses track of Hunter in the Byzantine office corridors (because remember, Hunter can apparently fold space and appear behind people at will). Sure enough, that's what happens. Hunter tackles Rostov through the wall and in a laughable little moment, Rostov gets up and makes a pair of fists like he actually thinks he can take CHUCK NORRIS one-on-one. And if you saw Richard Lynch, you'd know that it'd be like fighting your grandpa. Hunter beats Rostov's ass all over the office, but instead of finishing him off, just disappears. He's actually letting Rostov go get himself armed so he can waste him again. Rostov grabs up (what else) a rocket launcher but once again falls victim to Hunter's inexplicable ability to teleport behind people.

Hunter gets his attention by extending his own rocket launcher (these things just grow on trees, don't they?) and hissing "It's.....tiiiiiiiiiime....." Rostov musters up the guttural battle roar of a manic chipmunk and spins around! Holy crap! A bazooka duel!

Oooh. I guess the outcome of that one was fairly obvious...

Did you really need to aim the bazooka at this range? Enh, anyway, Rostov gets sprayed all over Miami and the credits roll. That's it? No pithy one-liner to close us out? No "Merry Christmas, dickhead?" I guess CHUCK NORRIS doesn't much believe in a denouement, does he? No character growth or resolution of the aborted romance between Hunter and Annoying Reporter Lady? Did the armadillo make it? One thing is certain, good guys wear denim because it's light and it breathes. Leather is for swarthy Commies.

MENDOZAAAA!!
  • The Spoony Experiment
    @ 2014 Noah Antwiler
  • Privacy Policy
  • "Burt-OS" forged by The Engineer.
  • Logo image by Marobot.