Tekken returns…with a BLOOD VENGEANCE in this animated abomination that proves to be the worst of the bunch!
Spoony, before you posted this, I flipped into fury that almost made my heart explode. Thank you for posting this and pulling me out of it.
Am I being too nosey in requesting details about what made you flip out?
I honestly can’t remember anymore, I think someone asked me what a paladin was.
Like the new opening
My morning just got 20% better.
You missed the 0-button a couple of times! :)
Digging the new opening. And awesome! More drinking games!
haha i just watched this movie recently this review should be awesome
Spoony has a new review? Oh look, my day is made.
For real. I’m currently battling a nasty case of stomach flu but this review made my day.
The Good: New Opening!!!!!
The Bad: They made another Tekken movie………..
That motorcycle landing was SO Trinity..
The new opening caught me by surprise XD That’ll take some time to get used to I suppose, but I have to say I love it!
But gee, an other Tekken Movie? You would think they’d learn something after a while.
i kinda hope this new intro isn’t permanent :s
Holy shit!!! Spoony changed something….run!!! Run for the fucking hills!!!!!
I have to agree on the Panda. This is just fucking insane. Thought it DID give us yet another Clerks: Animated Series clip. So I say the panda is perfectly fine.
Oreo cannon ftw! :D
Squall, is that you?
And in the japanese version our dear android was voiced by none other than Orihime from Bleach. Annoyance factor went up one notch right there..
Comment written while I watch.
…wow, you’re gunna get flamed for this.
I think the point is sort of “If you’re not going to use the storyline, then don’t use the franchise.” In other words, the Tekken Live Action movie would have just as much of what you praised it for without trying to adapt a series that, you made clear, just wouldn’t work.
Also, I’m kinda a fanatic of the series so maybe I’m seeing a joke where it wouoldn’t fit, but there was a giant panda charging through a city, you were complaining about the reactions, and there wasn’t a single Panda Genma joke? (Ranma 1/2)
Loved the Miles joke.
and, of course, the movie itself shoots my previous point in the foot.
Also, “Please take a seat, right over there.”
Huh, annoying hair girl, *Wanders off to check Wikipedia.*
Cristina Valenzuela. If you’re wondering why I bring that up, ‘annoying’ is sorta her forte. See the dub of “Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha.”
…I’m sorry, but Hyper-Sonic Flying Rocket Panda was just… epic. I can now not hate this movie.
is Mr. Lee in fact, Rock Lee? …way too many Anime references, I’m sorry…
Dear god, the true love makes you human thing… gag me with a spoon.
I appreciate the thought, but given the discription. “CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS, THEY ALWAYS HEAL!” …I am very sorry.
“This is the greatest match in world wrestling federation history folks!”
Oh god, a standby mode on your killer robot makes sense, but… way to make her even MORE useless, movie….
I dub thee, Sir Anti-Climax, the film!
Rocket Powered Panda, you’re “Awesomeness” good will is starting to sputter…
It’s obvious, the head laser is a supermove. He had to build up his combo.
o_o Someone else had the exact same idea as me.
I could almost get drunk just watching this review. I’ve played Tekken maybe… a handful of times in my life, so yeah. Totally lost. It is also way too early for me to start drinking.
This is the Spoony we all know and love :D
Oh come on, there’s nothing but Snapple in that Captain Morgan bottle!
Snapple is delicious. You’re just jealous that you’re not the one with roughly half a gallon of Snapple within your reach!
Hypersonic Flying Rocket Panda. For the love of god, please put that on a shirt right now.
Hypersonic Flying Rocket Panda. For god’s sake man, put that on a shirt this instant.
Hypersonic Flying Rocket Panda. For god’s sake man, put that on a shirt this instant.
So the Japanese decided to go with the cliche “high school story” that most Anime fans fear will ruin western adaptions?
Alyssa is pretty awesome in the game. There’s just something so satisfying in beating someone up with your own UNSCREWED HEAD! Tekken is awesome.
Also, yaaay! New Spoony review!
I could not stop laughing at the rocket propelled panda, that is the funniest thing I have seen in years.
What a weird movie… that makes a perfect review. Loved the Big Lebowski reference… And then out of nowhere friday! Now it will be stuck in my head rest of day… Thank you good sir!
Wait, so… Miles is the younger brother? Was I the only one who thought he was at least 5 years Noah’s senior?
It’s the hair, isn’t it
The hair, the voice, the skin… I don’t mean to dump on poor ol’ Miles but I guess being a cop in Arizona really can age you.
Its not age. His appearance is the result of his Augmentation. He is now man and machine. The ultimate enforcer on a quest to discover the secret behind his dark past.
….and he never asked for this.
I like the guy
I suppose I need to stop committing crimes then. Damnit the machines are working faster then I can keep up with. Stupid robots, stealing things faster then me.
You’re not the only one… I think it’s the voice. And possibly the fact that he’s so much calmer than Noah, it makes him seem older. (Even though I should probably know better since my little brother is also much calmer than me and probably seems older. xD)
“My CPU is a kawaii processor. An anime schoolgirl computer. The more contact I have with love and friendship, the more I squee, desu.”
I do love me some Spoony.
Absolutely loving the new intro. :D
Cool new intro! :D
I was completely sold on watching this at the Hypersonic
Flying Rocket Panda.
While most people may not talk like that, I think more of
Swank new intro and a deliciously terrible movie to be reviewed….how sweet it is! Funniest part was the Linkin Park music playing whenever Shin was on screen (or is it Xin?).
Anyone else find it sinister when a guy jogging at night stumbles across two beat up looking schoolgirls and proclaims the situation to be excellent?
God damn…. that movie was bad, Advent Children made more sense and I regreted that purchase.
To be honest I actually found the Heihachi-Jin-Kazuya fight quite good (up until the transformations.. the dbz fight was uncalled for), but I’ve really had enough of that trio. This is about a tournament, yet I haven’t seen a single tournament, with the exception of the 2010 one, but that was done over with pretty fast too.. give me a tournament movie, dammit x_X
Really love the new opening. It’s awesome ^^
Wellp. My day is made. Damn that’s a cool picture. I assume it’s Dickman’s work. Love that guy. Always have, since first seeing Rockman Neo.
- JESUS CHRIST, Dickman really want all out with that intro. o_o I was not expecting that. At all. I hope the original flash artist doesn’t feel like he got a raw deal or anything. I liked his composition and all, just, not his artwork.
- Haha. Oh wow. I really expected you to actually keep up a drinking game thing. But it was actually funnier–as well as guard-breaking–to see you dispense of it immediately. I love you because you fool me, sir. Like a Super Mario 3 castle. You fool me.
- WHOAAAAA. Miles. Holy shit. It’s funny, because when I first saw him in your Transformers 2 vlog, he was cracking at the voice with his camera-shyness. And now there’s no further trace of it. I lub Miles.
- “The director of this film has no idea what subtlety IS.” … Well. Um. I wish I could say it were easy to find a japanese film that DIDN’T have acting like this. Japanese acting is… bad acting. I’ve always felt it had something to do with the way the language arranges a sentence, or how the epicanthic fold of an asian’s eyes make it damn near impossible to convey emotions through facial expressions as the rest of the world tends to do. Unless they make that yakuza twisted-face expression, they always look indifferent. The real mystery to me is why their japanese animation seems to have the opposite problem.
- Perfect execution of Linkin Park.
- “Why do all these characters wear the same clothes everyday?” As post-modern as our humor has become, this is one cliche that defies self-awareness. We might lampshade it here and there, but no one is willing to give a character a damn WARDROBE. –Come to think of it, I think I’ll address that as I author my comic.
- … Am I the only one to notice how horrible that dude’s muscular CG back looked as he left the shower? I had no idea a human spine could go Uncanny Valley like that. Jesus christ.
- That pink-haired girl is like… Loli Starfire or some shit. And I’m no fan of Starfire as is.
- “Excellent!” … Y’know, I’m sure the staff of EVERY translation was just as pissed as you were. Like “FFS, can’t these storyboarders just COMPETENTLY ESTABLISH CONTEXT FOR WORDS?”
- My god. Namco really gave shit to the 2010 Tekken. And then they went ahead with this climax? Jesus christ.
“I lub Miles” o_o
Yeah, I liked how he made the kickstart with the drinking game. Better drink the whole bottle now instead to endure the whole damn movie.
You heard me. I lub.
Wow. This movie really is one of the worst i’ve seen.
Wait a second, this is written by Dai Sato? The same guy who made Eureka Seven, one of the most well-written anime TV series in 00s, possible? I… what… how
he was probably drunk off his ass or had to deal with dipshit executive meddling. I also feel for talented actors like Cristina Valenzuela, Patrick Seitz, Jamieson Price, Tara Platt, Mary Elizabeth McGlynn, David Vincent, and Kyle Hebert having to spout this GODAWFUL script.
Price, at least, seemed like he was having fun with his role. I do pity the others, though.
Price has a tendency to play hammy characters; when you’re doing that ya might as well go all the way. Everyone else unfortunately doesn’t get the luxury of doing that because their roles are so morose and “serious”
Eureka Seven…? Eh.
Okay if Eureka Seven doesn’t convince you – though it should – there’s Cowboy Bebop. But this movie just looks like someone put Tekken 6 through Generic Bad Anime Script Generator v1.03
Alright this is gonna be probably nitpickish comment, but Xiaoyu is not underage at this point in the franchise. This movie’s supposedly takes place between Tekken 5 and 6 and Xiayou was 18 in Tekken 4 and 5. That tough raises an even bigger question of WTF is she doing in school. It’s also weird that this movie try’s to be accurate to the series yet also fails on that department. Lee is toned down way too much on the “FAAAAAABULOUS” factor here.
TL;DR one thing wrong on your end but the movie still makes no sense.
A lot of people are 18 when they graduate.
Now Jin not keeping taps on Xiao, even as just an annoying friend, and them being able to infiltrate and take over a school HE OWNS is the weird part.
Nice opening ;-) !
So this movie is about a cartoon panda, a slapstick mecha musume hybrid of the ART-1 (chainsaw), Getter Robo (rocket punch) AND Jehuty (wings), an immortal (whose weakpoint is the spine instead of the head), a duo of Devilmen / Dudes with Devil Trigger AND a guy who eats axes for breakfast? Oh, and we get a pedo version of that shower scene from Street Fighter? WTF were they smoking Oo ?!
And what exactly is so unstoppable about a WOOD GOLEM, anyways? Ans why do these fighting game villains always think that all that’s between them and total world domination is a single martial arts guy, even if said guy is friggin’ DEVILMAN? It’s not like there are rockets and nukes and stuff…
Love the new intro, but the cartoon Spooney looks almost nothing like the real one.
I hated the live action Tekken movie, and thought that the anime is watchable, but this.. my brain hurts
We think he looks a little like Shaggy Rogers.
Title Card Spoony: “Like Zoinks! This movie sure is shitty, right Scoob?”
Scooby Doo: “R’okay Raggy! Re-he-he-he-he-he!
That girl is female Megaman.
Phantasmagoria! Blood Vengeance!
MOTHERFUCKER! This new intro looks awesome!
Who doesn’t keep chili dogs in their underwear drawer? Ask Sonic Sez!
Celty Slursson? Is that you? Oh, she has a head, false alarm.
Great one Spoony :D
This one is one most idiotic movies ever, a piece of crap. I could barely keep my from laughing at ”supersonic banda flying with a Robot with electric chainsaws”.
Yor makes more sense indeed.
Great stuff. Brilliant new intro and funny review.
This video is definitely the highlight of my morning! Awesome intro, crazy scenes of idiocy, film clips galore, and of course, Spoony being hilarious. At least Kung Fu Panda is more believable than the panda in this garbage.
FUCK. ME. It is physically painful for me to hear Alisa’s lines, mostly because her voice actress is actually very talented and one of the sweetest, Disney Princess-esque girls you’ll ever meet, but she’s given absolutely jack shit to work with here. Heck, the voice cast in general is very good (quite a few of them, Alisa included, being in Blazblue which has one of the best gaming dubs I’ve ever heard), but the script just sucks SO BAD.
What really baffles my mind is how Dai Sato dropped the nuke here when he’s probably one of the best anime writers around, having done work on Cowboy Bebop, Ergo Proxy, FREEDOM, Samurai Champloo, and Ghost in the Shell. He must have been drunk off his ass in order to deal with the executive meddling Namco-Bandai no doubt dropped on him. At the very least this movie might be so bad it’s hilarious.
This is impossible, how can someone who do Samurai Champloo and Ergo Proxy can produce this turd ?
Maybe a feature movie is too short for him to have a complete though process.
he probably just took it for money and farted it out in a weekend. My guess is that he might have had his hands tied by the people in charge. Luckily, it’s just one bad spot as I believe he’s also working on the new Lupin III anime series.
Ugh, I feel so sorry for Cristina Vee for having to play a lot – underline A LOT – of vapid characters. She has such a sweet voice and can act really well! It’s a huge waste of her talents and it makes me feel really sad for her that the only good role(s) that she has played is from BlazBlue.
If only voice actors were paid more, then we wouldn’t really have this problem…
indeed, I’ve personally met her and she pretty much IS Noel; a dorky, funny, humble sweetheart. She even said her big, mushy dream is to voice a Disney princess (her favorite is Jasmine).
I still loved her performance in Zero no Tsukaima as Louise.
she said that was the easiest performance for her EVER. All she had to was yell (though it was hard on her voice)
And that’s why I liked it. Louise is the best when she screams and punishes Saito for being a “bad dog”. Those kind of moments made me love that series. To bad it all went downhill with season three and four.
“PANDA: BLOOD VENGEANCE”
made my effin’ day :D
Love the new intro Spoony tis most awesome.
And damn this is so bad the choice in dialogue was horrid the fact nothing is explained hurt my brain and Shin was the best worst plot motivator I seen in a while. Great review man brought a smile to my face.
It’s settled I have to now see this movie. There’s a panda, A FREAKING PANDA and I’m with you, I was constantly going WHAT IS UP WITH THIS PANDA?! It’s so random and hilarious I just… I have to watch it.
Tactical Panda: Fixes any plot holes in your movie
the panda should have been the main character
A little Pandeus Ex Machina, anyone?
Love the new intro, excellent review and a drinking game just made my day :) It’s completely useless to wait for a good Tekken movie. It’s just never going to happen. I’m just glad that your reviews contain a minimal amount of anime references. There’s nothing quite as irritating and stupid than any anime out there. Well.. Hellsing is cool. Others are pure crap and should only be allowed to circulate in japanland.
Now if you’ll excuse me I got some shots to drink.
It’s like somebody saw Advent Children and decided “this is what the Tekken franchise really needs.”
That is one other movie that makes totally not damn sense, but have a great action scene in the forest.
Great intro. :D
The Tekken live action movie wasn’t that bad at all. They pretty much burnt themselves by saying that the live action movie was bad and offer us another movie claiming it’s much better but it’s worse than the former. Does not compute!
Even if the movie tie plots from the games, it will still not make any sense at all.
Anyway, great review as always. :D
If I could ask the obvious : Where in fucking hell is the vengeance or blood in this movie ?
Perving cute highschool girls doesn’t count, nor the Panda. Who is avenging what, how and why ?
Awsome new intro spoony creative, oh god this movie is terrible way too much worthless dialogue and useless plots ugh
Well alright Scoob, let’s find those bad games!
I really dig the new opening animation.
2:43 – Well, that didn’t take long!
10:45 – Friday reference? Huh…didn’t see that coming.
12:39 – Well, after three female showering scenes, I suppose it was inevitable that we would get the male equivalent eventually.
13:34 – Hey, there’s a fucking panda! Where the hell did that come from?
16:17 – Okay, that, right there, is the most awesomely anime image I have ever seen!
17:30 – A giant super-fast panda carrying a Chinese schoolgirl martial artist and a pink-haired killer android with a super-sonic jetpack flying over a lake from heavily armored commandos and an evil mastermind in a silk dressgown…….y’know what? Just drink the whole fucking bottle!
18:30 – AWESOME!!!
19:59 – Of course.
30:26 – Falcon PUNNNNCH!
Apparently, the creators looked at Advent Children and asked, “Can we make something dumber?” ….and they succeeded. At least Advent Children had -something- do to with children…
You give Advent Children too much credit. That movie is absolutely wretched, shameless pandering.
Well, when it comes to watching the best video game fighting movie, I still vote Mortal Kombat as the best. Good action, good actors, memorable and quotable lines, good comedy and enjoyment, with the only major problem being the story is god awful.
I’m also a huge fan of anime, even these CGI movies. I will actually DEFEND Final Fantasy: The Spirits Withing, AND Resident Evil Degeneration (FYI, I hate the live-action RE movies)… i know, they’re bad, but I enjoy watching them. I also watched this, hearing how reatched it was, and I thought to myself, “Well if it’s anything like FF and RE, than I might like it a bit”… boy was I wrong! I haven’t been this uncomfortable watching an aimated movie since Titanic: The Legend Goes On… and yes I did watch that movie, because some of my friends are fans of Doug, saw it at our local video store, and FORCED me to watch that crap.
Ha make your way over to Youtube. Most people seem to be under the impression that Japan can’t make terrible entertainment.
He keeps getting copyright notices on youtube. His Final Fantasy 7 review might still be up…
Whoops didn’t make that clear. I meant people should check out the comments on the Tekken clips/trailers, not actually having Spoony revert to Youtube.
Ain’t that the truth.
The old intro was way better….
This one is freakin awesome in a very subtle and suplime way.
… Which old one?
Your not serious. You can’t possibly mean that.
I mean, I can’t understand why you would think that. This new one is just better drawn, better animated, and just looks so much nicer.
Seriously, the old intro video looks like something a twelve year old would scribble out in Newgrounds. I’m not even trying to be rude, I’m just really confused.
I feel you bro. Yes, this one is smoother, better animated, but that doesn’t always mean better. I guess it comes down to personal taste. If you like the more punk rock sway w/ more feeling then you go with the old one. This one is slicker and better in every way…yet….it all comes down to do you prefer Roman sculpture or Greek.
I’m partial to the old one as well.
The new one looks too…ADHD for me.
And *I’m* actually ADHD.
Are you going to solve mysterious w/ Oreo a redhead, a lesbian, and Miles?
Ok, this is a minor blooper compared to the absurd things I’ve seen in this movie but it’s very funny for an italian viewer…
When the computer screen shows the word MUTARE, it searches the verb in all the possible languages and you can clearly read “ITALIAN: NO MATCH”.
LOL what??? Mutare IS a common italian word, it’s a verb that’s still used today and it’s written exactly like the ancient latin word (and the meaning is obviously the same: to change). We’re dealing with an incredibly smart supercomputer, uh?
I can’t believe the writers didn’t even bother to google the word in other languages before putting it in the damn movie…
Great job catching that. From one wop to another :)
Nice, new intro! I really like it, it’s different but still funny.
Making movies of video games, you cannot compare those two worlds. Making movies about video games based only on Martial Arts is stupid. (If you are interested to see a movie about martial arts, then watch Kuro-Obi (Black Belt)
This movie’s story seems to be overwhelming with nonsense and random wtf. So, it’s fair to it’s entirely in the spirit of the videogame. And that’s probably one of the reasons I love the game so much. Must watch this wreck eventually.
I credit a lot of Noah’s logic to helping me make sure my graphic novels have no plot holes.
This was with no doubt brilliant Mr. Antwiler, you are getting the hang of it, nearly hit bullseye on this review.
ROFLMAO! I have to disagree Spoony-this looks frigging awesome lol. Its like the anime version of Reb Brown on steroids. So stupid its funny as hell :) As for the chainsaw/hand thingee, If I remember reading it right, shes supposed to incorporate nano techotech-so she can form whatever weapon she needs at the moment-sorta like the terminator chick in T3. Excellent review though…EXCELLENT!!!
We all know that nano technology is too valuable to be used against Special Ops troops in powersuits or 3 meter tall demons … only use them against Chinese school girls.
i saw this movie a few months ago. pure horse shit. it had it’s moments but it was filled with stupidity to the max. half the characters are not in the movie, or off paneled.
If I ever see a ridiculous over the top fight involving a bunch of guys with convoluted backstories which ends up devastating a city block, I now know to just walk by and say, “Ah, I see. Excellent!”
Great review Spoony.
The Tekken Hollywood movie sucked.
Yes, even the godawful action scenes.
While Blood Vengeance sucked, the last fightscene destroyed everything the Hollywood movie done
Awesome video, and I love the new opening! (Especially since it features Oreo.)
Though I half expected a Lambda joke here :/
Or Nu, or Mu, or Noel.
Or Valley Girl Pirate Nu.
even Cristina was WTF with that adaptation quirk.
I think Lee is symbol of how creators just don’t give a shit about plot.
Oh I wish you’d go back to your Sega CD reviews once in a while after you finished Ultima 9.
Oh man…. I drank WAY too much watching this (and yeah, I really did). I never saw this movie, never heard of its existence, but I probably stopped caring about Tekken after characters like Alisa, Lars, Leo and Bob were brought into the series. The series has had its share of stupid characters, but seeing how this movie is gunned to showboat Alisa is sickening.
Truly a hilarious review.
Oh wow… a lot of the stuff in that movie reminds me of the attempted comedy I wrote when I was ten years old… and that’s saying a lot.
Speaking as a long-time anime fan who just kind of takes rocket-powered robot girls and super-speed pandas for granted, I’m glad you’re around to point out when the emperor has no clothes on.
I guess I’m a fanboy, as the main thing I took away from that review was “Knightmare T-shirt FTW!”
I don’t understand what Spoony’s problem with underage girls showing off their parts is. We all like it. No one is buying your prudish lies, Mr Noah.
Oh my god, this is just so stupid that it’s awesome.
I’m serious, I really think I’m going to track this movie down for the sheer amount of lulz and wtf it contains. But it missed out on extra weirdness points by not making the bumbling and shoe-horned romance subplot about the under aged girl and the under aged terminator (Wait, can robots be under aged? Answer me Japan, I know you must have a rule for this!). I really thought that’s what they were going for when I saw the DVD cover.
Also: I love your new intro. Looks great.
I loved the new intro and you just used Oreo as a cannonball XD And your brother´s cameo: “Get a job!”.
Okay. I’ll take it back. Compared to this piece of shit the live action Tekken is effin masterpiece…. :D
The new intro… Two thumbs up
THAT INTRO IS BADASS! I WANT AN OREO WRIST LAUNCHER!
LOVE the new intro Spoony! I’ll miss the old one, but this one is so freaking awesome that you gotta tell Andrew Dickman that he’s great.
Anyways, dear God. Japan, I love your anime, I love your JRPGs….some of them anyways, but stop trying to make tournament fighters make sense. Please? Am I just praying for no reason? …yeah, I am, aren’t I?
Great review Spoony, can’t wait for the next one! :)
P.S. Where can I buy a super awesome panda that does all that?
I’m a HUGE fan of Tekken, stands the plot of the games, and dealt with the live-action movie. THIS MOVIE SUCKS~! I may be just preaching to the choir but Spoony is too right about this shit. AT LEAST THE LIVE-ACTION MOVIE HAD ALMOST ALL OF THE CHARACTERS! I apologize if I come off as a totally annoying dick, but my GOD stick to fighting games, Harada.
Ah Spoony! Nice to see you, sir! Well, I’ll say this was excellent! *thumb up*
I’m not so familiar with the games storyline or whatever it has instead but this was one heck of bad movie. But still I plan to watch it just for the awesome panda, I love that bear, it kicks ass!
Oh, and your new intro is awesome, I especially love Oreo launcher XD
After Spoony’s comments on a underage school girl in japan I did some research.
Age of consentJapan, Spain = 13………France,Sweden, Greece = 15United Kingdom, Russia = 16Ireland = 17Turkey = 19Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, = sex outside marriage illegal
That depent on where in japan, someplace the legal age is 18. Still for ppl in USA, the legal age dont matter in other places, for ppl from usa it is always 18. no matter where you are in the world.
While I’m waiting for the rest of the video to buffer, I just wanted to chime in and agree with everyone else: the new intro is badass. I think Oreo’s expression when launched is my favorite part.
Ok, back to the review!
I’m going to have to call bullshit on your Optimus Prime joke. That truck clearly had flames painted on it; Optimus Prime has never had flames, and never will.
you were saying?
Pandas may not be able to fuck and procreate, but they can fight and run like it’s nobody’s business.
Maybe that’s why they don’t reproduce. They understand they’re too powerful and dangerous for the universe to contain, so for the good of humanity, they are willingly dying out.
Oh god, I think I just accidentally made a much better plot for a movie with that one stupid joke than the trash we’ve just seen here today.
Tekken Blood Vengeance:
-Filler character cameos…
-….Resolved by Dragonball Z Deus Ex Machina…
Why am I having flashbacks to FF7: Dirge of Cerberus?
I’m having flashbacks to The Matrix Revolutions myself.
2:48 – I love this movie already!
Panda in movie: What the hell?
Sad Panda for the end credits: Awesome.
Strange. Three final fights, two Pandas, one weird movie.
To properly enjoy this movie your brain circuits must be switched off. I accurately laughed my ass off because of the bad dialogues, stupid and nonsensical plot and how this movie tries to be for “everyone”. The animation is stunning and top notch, the fights are incredible and fast paced, music is perfect. This is pretty much almost the only thing that japanese know how to do right. Epic fights and computer generated animation.
aww man i was expecting the Shockmaster to come busting through the wall
Oh fuck you with your constant bashing on Tekken. It’s the only fighting game with a decent story line I happened to enjoy, though I don’t expect you to even know it. From your constant whining about the plot I gathered you saw few comedic endings on Youtube and considered them the canon those “stupid Tekken fans” like.
Not to sound like a pretentious snob douche, but it’s evident that you don’t get the point of both Tekken as a game, and as a story. So my question is, why the fuck you keep whining about it and annoying me with your immature approach to it? You don’t like it? Fucking fine, who cares, stop making 30+ minutes videos where you continuously excrete 15 year old level understanding of anything. I come here to see some western trash games to be reviewed, whose atrociousness amuses me. Please do that.
Sounds like you’re Tekken his criticisms a bit too hard.
You must admit, it’s a little hard to take a franchise serious where DEVILMAN has to fight against a panda, a bear, a boxing kangaroo, a boxing reptile, a wood puppet thing and a psycho lady wearing an evening dress all the damn time.
And as far as fighting games with storylines go, I think Arc System Works are the only company that reall gives a shit. Well, at least they understood that tournaments run by evil organizations trying to take over the world gets old pretty fast, so they don’t even use that plot (except for the first Guilty Gear AFAIK) !
You do know spoony is the self-proclaimed “Lord of Tekken”?
Uhm, he’s bashing the movies, not the games.
Not his fault you are obsessed over a game with one of the worst stories in the history of games. No need to try to justify what it is; Just enjoy your games and not care.
Don’t like the video because it’s making fun of something you happen to like? Too bad. Maybe you need to get a sense of humor and not take it as if he’s beating your mother in front of you or something. You could also simply not watch.
Sounding like a pretentious snob douche is exactly what you mean to do. Otherwise you’d just address what you thought was wrong civilly.
You don’t like Spoony’s reviews? Fucking fine, who cares, stop making aneurysm inducing posts where you pathetically oust your own ability to take a joke.
You come here to see “western” trash games reviewed? Whelp, I can now see where you’re coming from. Weeaboo detected.
If you don’t like his review, why do you keep watching them and whining like a little punk ass bitch? In case you haven’t seen ANY of his other reviews, allow me to fill you in. SPOONY MAKES FUN OF EVERYTHING!!! EVEN THINGS HE LIKES!!! Why? Because he can see the plot-holes and RECOGNIZE THAT SHIT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!!
And you do sound like a pretentious snobby douche by saying ‘you don’t get the point of both Tekken as a game, and as a story’ and ‘why the fuck you keep whining about it and annoying me with your immature approach to it? You don’t like it? Fucking fine, who cares, stop making 30+ minutes videos where you continuously excrete 15 year old level understanding of anything’. You do realize he’s coming in to make fun of the movie, right? You realize that boxing kangaroos and invisible dinosaurs are silly, right? You do realize that he’s only reviewed the MOVIES NOT THE GAMES BECAUSE HE’S SAYING THE MOVIES DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE, DON’T YOU, YOU DINGUS?!?!?!
Tekken has a shit storyline. Deal with it.
If Tekken has any good storylines, they’re the ones belonging to completely minor, irrelevant characters. Tekken’s main plot is, and always will be, utter crap.
The new intro was awesome! Great review Spoony!
No joke. Animating takes a lot of time. Andrew did an amazing job with it.
I hate Tekken game – and I those should not be played for their story – which is awful in all of them. You play those games for the quick combat and great graphics. I always preferred the Soul Calibur series to the tekken and other game… easier to play and more fun.
As th the review, never saw this movie and probably never will… looked nice at first, but now it’s just like an extended cut scene from the game, which somebody pieced together.. poorly.
Hope Spoony reviews more classic games!
I watched it and believe me this is a very enjoyable bad movie. I was giggling like an idiot almost the whole time when someting stupid happend, I knew that this can’t be taken seriously because it’s a movie based on a fighting game after all. Mówię ci obejrzyj go spodoba ci się :-)
OH My GAWD… This movie has the plot of … A Final Fantasy Game…
Call me a bastard, but the cover is too good for that movie.
I grew sick of Tekken after 5. It became blatantly obvious to me by then that EVERYONE whose last name wasn’t Mishima or Kazama would never be the “canonical” winner of the tournament, and those characters just constantly descended further and further down to Dan Hibiki levels of joke character.
BUT. The live-action Tekken movie still sucked. The plot was still idiotic, there were plotholes left and right and a lot of things just plain made no damn sense. I’d go as far as saying Tekken The Motion Picture made more damn sense.
Blood Vengeance still sucks too.
The whole franchise needs a massive reboot.
“ooooh, excellent” review ;D
yea, the alcohol poisoning would kill you cause this movie seems so stupid :/
im not a hardcore fan but i played the third tekken as a child like a madman so i know something about it. still that movie confused the shit out of me, and like you said the plot is revolved around people who have no part in whats going on around them, and they dont contribute much to the outcome of anythin if u dont count the “super awsome rocket punch”
and meh, i kinda liked the art style of the old opening theme a little moar. that spoony didnt quite match you, plus it missed the “youre in my spot” joke ;D
Wtf happened in this movie? I didn’t play any of the Tekken games, but did they have this stuff in them? Things are flying around and there’s a panda, and a girl with rocket fists, and this giant red thing, and I’m like, “wtf is going on? This is suppose to be based on a fighting game???” There is so much shit thrown at the audience at one time with little to no explanation that I have no idea who or what anything is or why any of it is happening. I honestly believe the writers of this shit were all on crack. None of this shit makes any sense! Even Mortal Kombat didn’t get this ridiculous, confusing, or stupid. At least in those the movies you knew wtf was going on even if you didn’t play a single video game. I never thought I’d reference Mortal Kombat as a “good” movie adaptation for a comparison… but seriously, it just happened. This stuff was extremely retarded. If you want to make a movie based on a fighting game that had a tournament… then why not do what MK1 and that DoA movie did? They did what the games did, or at least tried. This shit didn’t try at all. It ultimately comes off as some piss poor beyond retarded anime that makes no sense at all and has a ridiculous plot and battle scenes.(Ever see Bleach episodes?)
Oh! This was funny!
All the wall bursting and the panda.
Awesome review Spoony, couldn’t stop laughing.
Also, loved the Cowboy Bebop reference ;)
what’s funny is the guy who wrote the movie is Dai Sato who worked on Cowboy Bebop. He must have been drunk off his ass during scripting
What a film. thanks to this film tekken 3d was horribly butchered to fit it in whcih meant no story cutscenes and no extra modes. No team battle and no damn fights all to fit in this giant fan service film :( and i was hyped for that game.
I don’t get it Spoony. The more I watch this stuff, the more I want to play a bit of Tekken.
man u are the greatest shit movies reviewer ever!!!
james is the second!!!
but he is the first with shit games!!! XDD
In my country, for example a 20 year old can have sex, legally, with a 15 year old, 21 with 16, 22 with 17.
In my country you can legaly have sex when you are 16 years old but you have to be 18 to watch porn movies or buy magazines. Conclusion ? If you are a minor you have to close your eyes when you have sex :-)
First, IS THAT A TREGUARD SHIRT?!
Second, I did appreciate how you introduced your dog into canon, even though we all knew it existed. Well done.
Third, this movie is batshit.
…and fuck you for making me remember “Friday”.
Ohhh EXCELENT! sponny, awesome review. put me to tears. Didnt even know this existed. I love anime.. and i still call bullshit on that panda.
… Okay, To me it looks like they only made this movie to rip-off
1 Volcano High, 2 Rosario + Vampire II, 3 Kamen Rider Kuuga. And to insert some Mazinger z jokes. the one with the Minerva X being a humanoid cyborg >_>
LMFAO, absolutely excellent review! (yes the excellent was intentional)
No Metal Gear Solid, stinger missile joke? Okay.jpg =[ Still a good and funny review
totally love the new intro, good job to Andrew Dickman and you! This movie is horrible, the time I watched it, I ask myself a lot of question:
Really..she will be our main character for this movie, well I’m out of… right, I have nothing to do, better laugh a little…
Where’s the tournament?
Ain’t that movie named Blood Vengeance?
Why the two main character make me think to Vanille from FFXIII?
Ain’t the movie about Tekken, the TOURNAMENT fighting game?
Haha Shin can’t give a real punch, now you can kill yourself, thank you(ok not a question)
Why, when the Panda saves the girls (choose anytime), I though: “They call me Mister Panda!”?
Is the use of Mokujin supposed to be cool for fans?
Why did I wanted Hehachi to kill everyone, and take over the world with his ally, the unique really useful character in this movie: The Panda?
And where was the tournament in that tekken movie… oh in a quote… and is that supposed to be funny, or Am I supposed to slap my head… cause I did the second more than once during that movie
Anyway, better not crack my head on this crap, good job dear Spoony one, you’re awesome!!! But you don’t need me to tell you that, right?
my god this movie is bad and even worse than bad it just loses sense.
Why would you go to the trouble of making a movie and boasting about how it was nothing like the live action movie when all you manage to do is to rip out every single thing that made tekken tekken
1) the tournament
2) most of the characters
3) most of the fighting
if your gonna sit there proud that your movie is not like an old movie include the important bits about tekken and do a better job about it don’t sit there all smug making a “universeally freindly” tekken movie everyone can enjoy whether they play the games or not made from the random slapped together parts of popular tekken scraps.
to clarify for those who watched the movie and are pissing clueless like i’d expect you to be
jin kasuma and heiachi are all related and heiachi is the big cheese who organises fighting tournaments because he basically can there are reasons but screw explaining it fully.
jin is the son who got demon powers through magic gene splicing and heiachi tried to kill jin a few times and he got demonic anyways
kasuma is basically the same thing with his own vendetta and company and i believe cannon heiachi is dead allready but i doubt tekken movie makers could afford to not have him as they need trailer and poster fuel for viewers.
alisa is a robot made to be jin’s servant basically who has her normal emotional side and her whacked out robot side and a fairly new character only appearing in tekken 6 i believe so strange choice to focus on a much less loved character from the series but whatever.
lee is normally a cop not that you could tell he looks like someone i’d expect to see in the playboy mansion tied to the radiator
and the panda and other girl are just other characters who have been around guess you need a token fan service somewhere cause you only get so much fan service out a robot
the sisters as the film says have no real point it’s just the more popular characters out of character showing up in places to appeal to people who know about them which totally balls up the fact the director is so damn happy there is no fighting emphasis he’s failed to realise the only thing tekken has left when you strap away the tournament is a choice of various people who you cannot relate to each other or categorise them together
doing their normal daily routine and that’s not an exciting movie no one wants the documentary video of jack’s life being a robot in a factory.
no one is going to be interested in seeing eddy i guess street dancing to pass the time
we’re not going to watch gon on an island messing about for 2 hours.
simply put this is the result when you take a popular franchise established in one thing (fighting in a tournament) and try to work with material you smashed the keystone out of
it would be like making a pokemon movie where instead of doing pokemon battles you saw a random legendary pokemon noone saw everyone wanted (team rocket some generic research and a pokemon rights campaigner) then half way there they encountered a fist fight between 4-5 gym leaders from various parts of the show before watching ash and gary do an epic dance off where ash won.
ok yeah you see a new pokemon yeah you see ash yeah you see some various popular characters but you’re left with tiny broken pieces of a show losing all of it’s point leaving anyone wanting to like pokemon totally clueless proper fans annoyed nothing decent happened and having a box office plop.
then reading out loud in the wikipedia the CEO of pokemon being smug he made a movie without any of that fighting crap in it ????? lol stupid
Also, +1 for references to both Total Recall -and- The Running Man.
You know what’s sad? The sad thing is that those references were literally INEVITABLE (I predicted every single one, except the Running Man, and I was begging for the Total Recall one as soon as I saw that head) because those scenes are clearly stolen from those movies. There’s no coincidence here, no subtle “homage”, no generic stereotype, those are the most idiotic, childish, blatant frame-by-frame ripoffs I ever seen – the writer/director should be ashamed of himself. What about Nina and her Matrix Revolutions Trinity outfit/cool landing pose? The robot arms were just copies of ED-209′s arms. Watching this movie is like going to the restaurant and being fed leftovers from other people’s meals. Disgusting.
Oh Sato was clearly ashamed of this; my guess is that Namco and Harada had their greasy hands all over since Sato is actually a very good writer having done work on TONS of great anime projects for the past 15-20 years
You’re probably right, I don’t think it’d be fair to judge Sato just for this terrible work. I bet this movie is the result of a script written in a week for quick cash.
Yeah, the Total Recall, Terminator, Robocop and Matrix are bits are pretty clearly random, clumsy references (though I think the Running Man one is coincidental) in an already confusing and shit movie. But at least those bits made sense! The director liked Total Recall, so he put in a bit from Total Recall. I get it. When he’s trying to do his own thing, we get pandas and schoolgirls fighting demons.
My point is, the blantant, awkward rip-offs are the best part of the movie. It’s other people’s leftovers, on top of a plate of shit.
Younger brother? I thought it was the other way around
Oh wow. The new intro is amazing. And oh thank god you reviewed this. I was debating on getting it because it, well, looked pretty. It still does. But it’s the kind of pretty that will give you something you don’t want after that drunken one night stand. Now I never need to watch it.
Of course now I want to play Tekken…
Spoony looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo in the new intro. It is still better than the old one though.
I love the new intro! :)
Is it me or that bike/truck scene at the beginning really reminded me of Matrix Reloaded when Trinity destroys the power station’s guard post with her bike? Same glossy leather suit, idendical shots of her black helmet, same leap and landing…
Yeah Spoony, the entire Tekken story sucks because Lee’s ending was suposed to be funny and because it envolves some drama instead of just some burly guys kicking the shit out of each other.
You call a game-based movie to be a piece of crap because it drifted apart from the source material and flipped the bird to the core fans of the series…and basically calls this movie to be a piece of crap because of the exact opposite.
As you can tell from FAR AWAY , this movie vas sold on a Blu-ray along with copies of another like 2 games of the series remastered in HD. This seriously shows that the movie had gamers who follow the series and despised the hollywood flick. This wasnt intended to be seen on a Theater with lots of 12-year olds who barely know who Sonic the Hedgehog is. You dont need to fill 15 minuts out of the 30 this review has just to throw this at our faces.
If you dont understand how the movie is working, try to use yer ol’ dusty noggin of yours and Connect the dots.
By going on like this i can feel your title of “LORD OF TEKKEN” is just a cardboard crown with glitter and aluminum foil. You nitpicky piece of crap.
Srsly bro…just take a step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!
XD what the hell crawled up your ass this morning?
a giant Mokujin
Guess we’ll have to pull it out of there.
Okay boys, bring in the Roto-Panda.
Two words for all you guys: Y’ALL MAD
don’t know what you’re talking about, we’re having great fun. You’re the one who has a Mokujin up his ass
clearly you did not notice the XD in my post, I thought it was funny as hell
…Um, ok then. I’m not a fan of the games, never played them ever, but I actually like movies based on video games. I normally find them hilarious and entertaining. I have seen this movie, and it is crap.
A movie should be a self contained story. Would it make sense if the Harry Potter movies didn’t give you any kind of exposition on characters, locations, plot, and had the main story be about Draco Malfoy learning to dance instead of Harry saving the world? No. We need plot important information IN THE MOVIE or else it’s not its own story and therefore feels cheap and stupid.Also, as Spoony points out, there are scenes in the movie where having knowledge of the games HURTS your understanding of the movie’s plot.
Calm the fuck down.
You do realise that the review shouldn’t be taken seriously either right ?
What drama? Some cheesy, brooding, nameless nobody gets killed off and that’s good drama? The lame ass platitudes of love? Point out the good drama man, I don’t see it.
He called both the faithful adaptation and changing of source crap, because to him the movie did neither well… meaning that it failed at both. It’s not that hard to understand. It’s like saying “You fucked up my way of doing things, then tried it your own way and still failed.”
And didn’t the director say he wanted to make this accessible to everyone, you know meaning people outside hardcore fans? So what does its packaging/promotion have to do with anything?
Wave your Tekken epeen harder bro.
I disagree with one critical point that renders your argument invalid; other than insulting Spoony in your fashion makes you look like a rotten child. If Blu-Ray is a standard of popularity and good production, why isn’t Jaws on blu-ray?! It’s said to exist, but its not anywhere. >< Riddle me this, Batman: this movie with more speeding panda than tekken homage is on blu-ray and not a classic like Jaws? Seems to more about effort and who you know, rather than what's asked for.
Ohhhh….. EXCELLENT! =3
Is it bad that I understood the new animated intro more than the Tekken movie? At least the intro was easier to follow, and hilarious, and not disturbing. And no pandas.
As much as I love the new animated intro, I kind of wish it waited *just* after this review, *just* so it would include the panda getting it’s ass kicked.
are you kidding? That panda goes Mach 5 and can clearly channel the Hulk when it’s pissed.
But on the other hand, it really does deserve a Son-of-Insano to the freakin’ head.
And Son-of-Insano to the head has proven to be more lethal than a Blitzball, which is like, 10 Mach 5 pandas. Or something. I dunno, all these Japanese Cliches have silly, stupid “power ratings”. I blame that DBZ garbage.
true, the Blitzball is the deadliest weapon ever made. Hopefully the pandas never realize their true potential. It would be worse than Sith Nazgul
I don’t see why poeple are trying to defend this story so vehemently. It’s obviously very silly, and really… it’s fine if you like it. I like tons of silly things. Anyways, no need to get angry because someone points out the silly elements in a game’s story.
Mind you, I don’t play Tekken and the last time I tried, I found it deeply uninvolving. I play games that depend a different array of skills and you could say that their stories are pretty much bad or inexistant too.
Anyways, the excellent thing… I guess it’s Lee’s catchphrase.
Sweet, a new intro animation.
And this movie was just… wow… It’s just one mindfuck after another. I fucking lost it at the flying rocket panda.
Of course this movie would have a fucking shower scene. 5 for 5 now?
Nice shirt btw Spoon.
The only possible reason why you would ever want this movie is to get the free Tekken Tag HD game that comes with it. Seriously I played the old version and it is the shit, it’s basically a tag team version of Tekken 3 it’s fucking awesome and I can’t wait for Tag 2…but still, the movie that comes with is ALMOST not worth it. I say almost because of the kickass three way fight between Heihachi Kazuya and Jin, which is the only good thing in this film in my opinion.
It’s not free if you have to pay for an unbelievably bad movie in order to get it.
Just buy the old PS2 game for five bucks.
..You’ve got me there. But I can simply look at it as ‘Tekken Tag HD packaged with a how to not make a tekken movie…movie..’..yeah better to get the old version if you can but be warned it’s VERY Pixilated on these new large wide screen tv things.
Geez. Not since Advent Children has a company tried to stretch a rail thin plot beyond it’s breaking point. Sweet new opening animation too, Spoony
Except FF7 actually had a lot of story. The problem is that the story was RESOLVED DEFINITIVELY by the end of FF7.
And the fact that it was resolved makes the remaining plot threads they could have used incredibly thin. To the point where they needed to pull a new cast of bad guys out of their asses and resurrect a character who had been blown to pieces just to get the plot moving.
Not that they had to though, they probably could have easily taken the Geostigma story and just run with it, making it a consequence of the enormous amount of life energy the planet lost and now has to regain which it chose to do as an incurable illness. Possibly leading up to some new threat in the form of a new WEAPON the planet created…
Oh well, at least it didn’t go the Dirge of Cerberus route and create a bunch of color-coded baddies on top of making its main character into a total wimp.
Totally agreed there. The leaps in logic, and ridiculous retcons that were made to the original caused a trainwreck in logic.
The entire concept of Deepground backwards and nonsensical. The leaps in logic are just great to accept even within an already fantastical setting.
It’s easily the most convoluted “We needed bad-guys for the player to fight” nonsense ever; and it’s nonsensical because it TRIES desperately to explain it.
Suspension of disbelief works when the setting establishes its own set of limits and logic; we can believe in dragons, gigantic mechs or Wile-E Coyote surviving an H-bomb to the face. Because it works within the new limits of logic. Once we learn those new limits, we’re going to assume that’s how things work, within a small tolerance of bullshit if it’s handled well (this in part, is what defines the border between “plot twist” and “deus ex machina”. It’s a thin line).
It ceases to work when not are the previous limits are ignored/destroyed, but when it’s done via glaring contradictions.
In Dirge of Cerberus’ case, it’s contradictions that needed to be justified by ridiculous Retcons.
Now the original premise has been twisted into something that’s a pretender. It only vaguely resembles the original.
When the plot needs to be resolved by raising the limits with each installment, it achieves what I call the “DragonBall Z dilemma” wherein the only way to raise tension is to increase the numbers/stakes without actually changing the scenario.
How is Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus resolved? Pretty much in the same way. Cloud defeats Sephiroth in AC, and the Emo-Elemental, er, Vincent defeats Hojo’s plot, which in itself is basically identical Sephiroth’s (blow up world, steal its energy, and ascend as a “god” to the heavens).
Someone mentioned The Matrix Revolutions as a similar scenario. I agree there too. Neo basically became a demigod right after the end of his arc in the first movie, and just about everyone else became superfluous after that. The stakes escalated, to the point where the original plot changed. (Neo ends up working WITH the machines that basically enslaved humanity at the end…when the original plot was freeing mankind from them, not just fighting Agent Smith.)
I could pontificate for bloody hours about this…but I’ll just stop here before it gets any more ridiculous.
Also, a movie focusing on the King Marduk and Armor King story would have made a FAR better film. And that has men wrestling in animal masks that speak Jaguar.
You know, I really liked this movie. It was so ridiculous I was laughing like a maniac with every scene and this review nailed it to the bone!
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I preferred the goddamn stealth-cammo Dino-Spy movie over this wreck!
I think I remember saying in the Live Action movie that even though I’m not a fan of Tekken, I still don’t have anything “against” it and felt bad for all the goofy stuff the fans had to see in the movies, but this one…THIS one, Holy Hell is it bad.
Who was this movie even intended for? Not fans of the game, that’s basically a rule for a video game movie (speaking of which, a plague on this movie’s balls for that “name my super move!” nonsense), but what is this thing’s target audience? It’s nonsensical battle sequences and obnoxiously Goosio-Cute imagery (GOD, I hate “cute”) with a mindless cutesy-pootsy romance angle wrapped in a paper-thin plotline and you know what, I think I just figured it out: “A Japanese Audience”. It’s made for “A Japanese Audience”, or at least a subgroup of Japanese People that mostly rely on old cliches as sustenance.
I thought I smelled the stink of Final Fantasy 10 all over this movie.
I mean, yeah it’s not much better than something “For an American Audience”, which usually follows the basic rule of “Kill it or Fuck it, preferably with a big explosion at the end”, but the strangulation of cuteness (in a *fighting action* movie) was too much to handle, and oh god, I almost made an accidental “unbearable” pun just now. Eh, this movie and it’s panda can bite my ass and choke.
Hell of a review, Spoony! Especially loved the Red Dwarf joke and the kickass new opening! I have a feeling little animated Son of Insano is going to cheer me up right before many future reviews. See, now that’s a kind of cute I can get behind!
Speedy Gonzalez Pandas: Bad, Huggable Science Mutations from Criminal Masterminds: Good!
(Grones) That hurts. Alisa Bosconovitch is one of my favorite characters from “Tekken”, in this one or not.
This movie…omg. Flying pandas? Girls who dress like clowns? The excellent guy? Man, this movie is insanely ridiculous. Although it looks like it would be kinda entertaining to watch just to make fun of it…Either that or it’s just downright wretched, I don’t know. XD
Also, the new animated intro and review were both, “EXCELLENT!” :D
This seems kinda like Final Fantasy Advent Children, in that it’s more accurate to call it a really long cutscene than a movie.
True enough, but at the very least AC had the decency to keep things from the game canon.
“My name is Optimus Prime. and you are about to get your ass handed to you,”
“My name is Optimus Prime. What the fuck am I doing in another shitty licensed film?”
“My name is Optimus Prime. Just put me out of my misery I died for your sins and this is what I ge-”
Explodes upon immediate contact with a bike… Way to go.
“My name is Optimus Prime and Mishima Corporation is my favorite corporation on the Citadel. … Also, Japan.”
-sees there’s a new Transformers movie in production-
“My life SUCKS”
List of things I did not see in this movie (incomplete):
1 – Blood
2 – Vengeance
The same for me.
All I saw was really dumb looking fight, Shameless fan service of underage girls, and a plot I do not get at all…..Felt like i sat through fucking Rosario+Vampire if it was directed by Ed Boon…hell Even Ed Boon couldn’t save that fucking show
Does the end mean that you are bringing FMW hell back? Hell yes if that’s the case.
I enjoyed the video as I almost always do, even as a fan of Tekken I can laugh at some of the ridiculous aspects and at a legitimately bad movie. However, I do have some things that bothered me. Primarily about Xiaoyu and Alisa being under-aged. Alisa was introduced in Tekken 6, so it is logical to assume this movie is supposed to be set around that time. Well in Tekken 6 Xiaoyu is 19 years old, in Tekken 4 and 5 she’s 18. Without even going into the morass of talking about how Japan’s age of consent and views on sexuality are vastly different from the ones here in the US she’s still perfectly legal here, so I don’t see where this is really a problem. Then Alisa is a fucking robot, there aren’t exactly laws surrounding robot sexual intercourse so as far as I am concerned their free-game from… construction? conception? whatever, neither of them are under-aged I got my point across.
This movie looks amazing for all the right reasons. I might give it a watch.
This… was awesome!
Most enjoyable review in a long time, but i guess the movie was a real easy target for mocking.
Funny how a review of a shitty movie like this can actually make you glad that the movie was made in the first place.
Keep up the good work!
Great new(?) opening! Kudos to whoever had time to make it!
Yay for new opening animations!
Any reason why Jin isn’t the main character?
That fight between him, his daddy and his daddy’s daddy looked pretty cool.
And why would they introduce that Shin guy just to have him die for no reason?
So this is another shitty movie where most of it is pointless anyways
WOW WOW WOW!!!, you are telling me there is an anime with a suicidal emo guy, a silly schoolgirl who shows her underwear all the time, a bunch of demons, a “female” robot who wants to be human and puts names to their atacks, and a cute panda mascot perfect for selling toys???… japan is full of fresh ideas!, what’s next??
That new intro animation. AWESOME! I loved the review as well!
For some odd reason, all I could think about when Alisa launched her fists at Mokujin was “ROCKETTO PUNCH!”
I love Tekken but somehow your review on Blood Vengeance bothers me no bit because the film was a betrayal to a hardcore Tekken nerd like myself. Xiaoyu and Alisa are annoying and unnecessary especially as protagonists, few number of characters and many inaccuracies on the actual story in the Tekken games like T5 taking place 2 months after T4 and T6 being 1 year after 5 so why would Heihachi say it’s been years instead of over a year.
Thank goodness I don’t take the story seriously… anymore. I need help.
I mightn’t like the live action film mainly because of the generic post-apocalyptic future which I’m sick of, not the overkill of the saying the “Tekken” over and over again. Why not have it in modern times and just have a corporation host a tournament? The whole setting seems pointless. Also would it kill them to say Mishima Zaibatsu, the King of Iron Fist Tournament and King of Iron Fist? Saying the title of your movie over and over is just lazy writing. Oh and I don’t care for fighting bears, pandas and kangaroos, only cool robot samurai ninjas, masked wrestlers, cyborgs and demons, you know, cool stuff?
At least I was able to enjoy the visuals, the music, the fight with Mishimas and Tekken Tag Tournament and a demo for TTT2.
Did no one catch the Final Fantasy VII on his shelf, and Cloud in the opening? Does this mean a Final Fantasy VII review is in the works? :D
The new intro was aweeesome! Great new episodes Spoony, can’t believe Tekken could get that…. I don’t even know what word to use.
And woo, Sega CD! A return to FMV Hell perhaps? I hope!
O hai Ninja the Mission Force ad, how is yo sex wife? :D
Laughed hard few times.
Oh god, fucking Linkin Park music playing around the guy cracked me up so hard.
Bin playn drink game when i don understan tings in moviee….cant see…
For what it’s worth, I sort of like the life-action movie. I mean, it was at least well-intentioned and kind of solidly, or at least functionally, written. It wasn’t good, but it worked. Dumb fun, basically.
The anime was plainly bad and boring, not much to say there.
This one however I could never watch in one sitting. I quit three times before I managed to finish it, each time nauseated by the airheaded behavior of the protagonists or the nonsensical plot. Alisa’s “casual clothes” didn’t help, either, but I loathed her in the game as well, so that one is somewhat excused.
Well, at least the Soul Calibur movie will be great, right? RIGHT? Guys?
Holy shit!!! This movie is awesome and mind-breaking at the same time! I can’t if I like this movie or if I’m experiencing one bad acid trip after the other in a 30 minute time span!
Remember in Spoony’s written review of the “DOOM” movie when he talked about how it should’ve just been all action and no plot? I think someone in the offices of Bandai-Namco read his article and said, “Hey! This guy’s got the right idea; only we’ll also add in perky schoolgirls, femme-fatales in leather jumpsuits and evening gowns, and misleading subplots involving emo kids, a robot, and an impossibly strong panda, as opposed to not having a plot at all! We’ll make millions!”
To be honest, I would’ve loved to go to school on a panda, because, seriously, who’s going with the guy or girl who gets travel arrangements on a wild animal?
Watching your review of this movie alone made my brain shit enough bricks that I could rebuild every single wall that the characters burst out of, or were thrown through.
Looks like the only people who had their shit down were the graphic designers, and I can only imagine how wasted they had to make themselves everyday prior to working on this thing. Think you could send the team some of your crazy pills out of pure condolences?
It’s true that this movie sucks, but you didn’t see it in THEATERS! For my town, we had a one night limited showing for it. AFTER the credits for US, we got about HALF A FUCKING HOUR of the director AND writer for this goddamn movie PRAISING themselves on the “good job” they did, and talking about how much they KNOW Tekken, and how much they DIDN’T wanna fuck it up.
The writer for this movie during this “interview” said he wrote TEKKEN 3…HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? WHAT THE FUCK DID HE WRITE? The ENDING SCENES you get when you BEAT ARCADE MODE? OH, YEAH, BECAUSE A GENIUS MUST OF HAD TO WRITE THOSE!
Also this movie was in 3-D, and I paid for one of my friends to get in…30 FUCKING dollars I could have spent on just buying one of the ACTUAL games.
I had a list of the worst movies I saw in 2011, and THIS was number 1. It beat out Transformers 3, The THING, and FUCKING Apollo 18.
Miles’s “Get a job…” was so well delivered. Gold star for him!
AW YEAH! Spoony is BACK! Great review!
Any chance of a long let’s play game? Love your Ripper and Phantasmagoria one!
can’t wait till the next final fantasy review..seeing spoony suffer with me (an FF fan to the end..damn you bastards) through them. I’ll take any reviews really though, love you spoony.. love oreo and your new intro as well. Kuma was a stupid ass idea for a character in tekken anyway.
What, no pain upon Miles? C’mon, own the part, sarcastic commentary though it may have been :b
So, this is why Stephan Colbert is afraid of bears.
I love you.
Tekken: BV sucked ass Spoony!! Review FF7: Advent Children, that movie is just as shit!
Love the new animated intro! Great review too!
Got to agree with the other commenters. One of your best review for a long time. Heck one of your best videos of all time. Everything was just perfect. The jokes, the sound, the timing. (linkin park had me rofling)
Just got one thing left to say
“Mokujin”, eh? I guess saying “tree men” would have been far less imposing… some of this stuff is doubly hilarious if you speak Japanese. Speaking of which, the dubbing for this movie (originally Japanese) actually seems to be fairly decent, which is a nice surprise.
This movie did not have Bryan Fury. Fail.
This movie did not have Paul and Law. Fail.
This movie did not have Asuka. Fail.
This movie did not have King or Armor King. Fail.
This movie did not have Yoshimitsu. Fail.
Instead, we got an emo Shin character that hates being in the movie so much, he tried to commit suicide to get out of it. One school girl comic-relief character that’s bottom tier in the fighting came. A stupid Panda that didn’t even use it’s unblockable fart attack. Two assassins that failed to kill anything. A flash baked plotline with missing or irrelevant points.
This movie needs to be juggled with a 10-hit combo and finished with a wall infinite. It needs a 12 hit inescapable throw combo from King. It needs to be taken out with Jack-6′s 100% damage unblockable wind-up punch. It’s a crap movie. I had low expectations. They weren’t met. Tekken X Street Fighter sucks too.
you mean street fighter x tekken
Why didn’t the producers of Tekken like the hollywood live action movie? It wasn’t nearly nonsensical and Japanesey enough. Not like this movie, even the Japanese take the used panties they just bought out of a vending machine away from their faces to say “The people who made this movie were fucked up!” Also a movie about Tekken can’t be allowed to make sense. The damn games didn’t make sense! Why is Anna Williams the corporate assassin dressed like a 1930′s New York Flapper? Why am I playing though this game as the Robaxaset dummy killing a Chinese school girl? Why are no authorities bursting into the head offices of all these corporations to arrest their CEO’s for activity that would certainly be illegal if law makers could ever have predicted anyone would base a business around Kangaroo assault troops? Why am I trying to make sense of any of this?
See what I mean, this movie is totally authentic Tekken. Only downside is that actually playing the game is the only thing that made the insanity of Tekken tolerable, and obviously that can’t be worked into the movie.
“Why didn’t the producers of Tekken like the hollywood live action movie? It wasn’t nearly nonsensical and Japanesey enough.”
Wow. Two Davids in one comment section that both make bigoted replies.
Apparently good movies are the ones that are very “American”???
Watch more Asian films and do so with an open mind. Not with a bigoted mentality.
LONG LIVE THE SPOONY ONE!
How do you not like this movie? I have never played a tekken game, but this is soooo goddamn awesome.
First, really loved the new opening sequence.
2nd, I liked the fights from the live action tekken movie but seriously, do all plots like that have to involve a rape/rapist?
This movie, holy crap…
Excellent edits though Spoony
Oh god. You
can’t find any worst than that in terms of Japanese story-telling. Gotta quote
you here, Spoony: In Japanese, there’s no translation for the word “subtlety”. Over
the top gestures, goofy facial expressions, incredibly complex and ridiculous
outfits, and retardedly stupid super-powers. Most people that create fictional super-powered
characters like to define them as much as possible, give them strengths AND
weaknesses, try to give a scientific explanation as to why they can do such
incredible things. But this? This is lazy and stupid. Even Dragon Ball Z and
One Piece give more input about their protagonist’s ability than this stupid “devil
that, Tekken looks like a pretty boring and dumb franchise (sorry for the fans,
that’s just my opinion). If there are any other fighting game franchises that
deserved a CG animated movie, it’s either Soul Calibur or Dead or Alive. Hey,
they’re not perfect but at least they could have given us some t&a to jerk
As for the
review, great work as usual, mister Spoony, though you exploded the referential
joke quota. I’m not a ref joke hater, but you used them way too much in that
“Gotta quote you here, Spoony: In Japanese, there’s no translation for the word “subtlety”.”
That means that both you and Spoony haven’t seen many Japanese films.
Pretty prejudiced comment as well.
You can see a lot of japanese flicks that will prove their point, so what’s yours? Maybe there’s just as many on the other end of the spectrum, or more/less. But I doubt you’ll find them unless you actively look for them, which none of us want to do. Don’t call it prejudice, becuase it’s only ignorance.
” You can see a lot of japanese flicks that will prove their point, so what’s yours?”
And you can see a lot Japanese flicks that will prove my point. So what’s yours?
“Maybe there’s just as many on the other end of the spectrum, or more/less.”
Same can be said about American films.
“But I doubt you’ll find them unless you actively look for them, which
none of us want to do.”
If you can’t even be bothered with experiencing a foreign country’s films then you have no business talking about that country’s films.
“Don’t call it prejudice, becuase it’s only
Sorry, but making a generalization on an entire people’s film culture based on an extremely limited amount of films is the definition of “prejudice.”
As always, an excellent review!! But there’s still another one… an illegitimate bastard child movie based off the Tekken serie: THE AVENGING FIST!!!! The story behind its making is well worth your time. http://www.hkfilm.net/avngfist.htm
Avenging Fist has nothing to do with Tekken. In fact, the movie ends with a disclaimer specifically saying that it has nothing to do with Tekken.
The website you linked to does pretty poor research on Asian films. Its reviews on DVDs are particularly sub-par.
Love the new opening animation. The part where your robot looks at you gave me a chill down my spine. We all know something is wrong with him, and the mystery and evil in it just crawls up my spine i love it.
Holy fuckballs, that intro is godlike!
The new opening is so much better than the old one.
This movie looks like a deranged FF13 cutscene. This actually makes me miss those cheap, shoddy frame-skipping Animes.
The Spoony in this intro looks a lot more like real Spoony, much more heart and soul.
Not enough Paul, or punches and kicks that bounce people in midair.
At the 9 minute mark:
-Every time you go to P.E. you destroy everything!
-That’s because you keep telling me not to hold back!
You know… I’m watching this with my friend right now and I HONESTLY did not get that he was talking about Physical Education.
I thought he was saying:
-Every time you go to pee you destroy everything!
-That’s because you keep telling me not to hold back!
Makes me wonder… a lot… about stuff… But somehow I think even that would fit in this movie’s universe. A martial artist girl whose teacher tells her not to hold back her pee that destroys everything and gets her expelled…
That line is probably in the Special Hentai Version slated for future release *wink* *wink*
Are you actually going to review another CDI game, shit yeah
Spoony, don’t ever reference Rebecca Black for a cheap joke again. Ever!
it was EXCELLENT!
Good review as always, but I have one thing to disagree on. Lee Chaolan is a fucking boss.
I totally agree with you on the live action Tekken movie. hell, I liked it. My brother hates it to bits but I liked it.
Amazing review, definitely one of your funniest. I was dying with laughter throughout.
I actually thought this movie wasn’t too horrible, but I agree that it was pretty damn stupid too. At least the action was good.
And that new intro is freaking incredible! Andrew Dickman did that? Wow, I guess all that yelling at him to get back to work really paid off. He does great work.
Love the new intro as well as the review!
Great googa-mooga! That was horrible! I mean, I kind of enjoyed the original Tekken anime, since it was one of the few anime you could see with just a satellite TV subscription without buying uber-expensive VHS or DVD volumes back in the 90s. And while the live action Tekken movie was indisputably stupid, it was really, REALLY funny and had some good fights. But this…I think FF Advent Children has officially been usurped as the most nonsensical video game tie-in movie. It was just weird and confusing and the dub was one of the worst I’ve heard in ages.
Very funny review though, Spoony. Easily one of your best. And I love the new intro video!
holy shit new opening
The Art of Tekken may be rooted in pulling off two or three really long juggles while not giving you opponent even 3 seconds to retaliate while they’re not on the ground, but I always just spam quarter circle forward triangle with Paul.
Honestly my main problem with the live action one was that about the only part which should be right is the individual fighting styles of the characters. The only person they got down in this aspect was eddy, and that’s partly due to the fact the guy playing actually knows capoeira. Hell you would think that wouldn’t be a problem seeing as the games do a fairly good job fleshing out each persons fighting style, but instead most of the fights devolve into messy grappling.
That said glad you did a review of this now I have no reason to go out and get this.
Pretty cool review. I was unaware they made a THIRD Tekken flick. When you asked about the semi ambush though, I swear I thought you’d show the clip of Hulk Hogan driving a semi into an ambulance that had The Rock in it. “I’m gonna lay the smackdown on his ass brother! nWo Style!”
That new introduction is sweet as hell. Andrew Dickman, you are a GENIUS.
Dear God. What the hell was that? Slice of life school romance in MY Tekken? If you want video game movies done right, look no further than X-Strike Studios.
A clerks animated series reference? Holy crap!
This is one the best reviews you’ve ever done. Also, I love the new intro.
OK next one now :P
I’ve seriously watched this review twice and I’m still in awe over how badly they Gundam SEED Destiny’d that shit.
Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been a huge Tekken fanboy since day one. I’ll also say that I liked this one the best of the three. …I will also go on record and say, there’s no way in HELL any of that is canon. Where the anime was just boring, and the live action one was just poorly strung together fight scenes (much like MK Annihilation) but here, there was at least some modicum of enjoyment out of the over-the-top batshit craziness going on. If you just stop trying to make too much sense out of it, it quickly turns into something so bad it’s hilarious.
Oh fuck that shit. The live action Tekken movie is in no way even close to as bad as fucking annihilation. At least it had decent actors. At least it was an actual fighting tournament and so it being mostly fight scenes make sense. At least it wasn’t based on any of the games as opposed to being based on the worst of the games. It may not have been great, but god damn it, it was at least a damn movie. I have watched a lot of movies in my life, and I’ve never seen anything that even kind of comes remotely close to being as bad as Annihilation, and I would never compare another movie to it.
Come on now. MKA was a bad movie, sure, but if it’s the worst you’ve ever seen, you seriously haven’t seen that many bad movies. I watched Island of Death and The Roller Blade Seven last night. Check ‘em out.
I haven’t seen those and will check theme out, but for now I stand by my comment about MKA. I’d like to point out that I’ve seen the first three Twilight movies, and spent my teenage years hunting down and watching as many awful horror movies as I could.
Love the new intro!
Well, I’ll look on the bright side…at least there’s no more Tekken movies for Spoony to rip through. :/
You just had to say that… I’m feeling a sudden disturbance in the force.
Oh hai Trinity.
Seriously, pause at 0:32
A call back to the Deep Wang line and Betrayal!!!! Damn, even Spoony’s Vlogs are memorable and quotable.
14:33 Great flashback music
And anything with a Clerks the animated tv refrerence is solid gold in my books.
But 23:10 REALLY needed a Twilight “this is the skin of a killer” line. I totally though that the Twilight line was going to pop up.
I have a hard time telling when Spoony is putting in a quote from another movie or if it is coming from the movie itself because the lip sync is not in English. Not Spoony’s fault though.
And Lee is easily the best character in the movie. By far. I demand that he show up in reviews in the future.
Yay! No more crappy intro! I love the new one! Woot Woot!
You look WAY younger than your little brother.
The voice acting bites.
I fucking hate slow-down-speed-up action scenes.
Spoony, you should know by now that Japanese school girls only dig androgynous emos. If you’re happy or look like a man, you’ll die a virgin.
Eww Shin, put your shirt back on. Babyfaced asian guys aren’t supposed to have nasty muscles.
You should add a text review to Amazon, there’s only 1 review posted that doesn’t think it’s awesome & that’s going to trick someone who will inevitably be disappointed.
List of things I saw in this movie:
1 – Ecchi
2 – Pretentiousness (the writer)
Set in an eccentric Japanese highschool? An energetic 16 year old female protagonist? A clumsy moe girl that’s actually a robot? A brooding high school student with hidden powers that both of these girls dig?
Wow! It’s so exciting the 500th time these things are regurgitated from Japanese Writers!
Another awesome video Noah, and the new opening is great.
This review was AWESOME.
I can’t say as much for the film, but it has enough weird stuff in it that the abridged version kicks ass.
I just love how unpredictable it is. Panda out of nowhere! Chainsaw Arms! 90% percent redundancy rate on plot points! By the end Jin, Kazuya and Heihachi are just ignoring them completely.
Also, I called the total recall reference.
Also, Also, New opening, woop!
Very amusing, Spoony. The new opening was really well done, too.
The movie really seems like a really insane Japanese movie. The animation is at least fluid, so it looks like they didn’t cut any corners there.
Was the movie originally supposed to be longer? Thus why the seemingly missing plot points?
And why do the Williams sisters hate one another? In all the other Tekken movies, don’t they work together/have incestuous lesbian sex?
This new intro is badass. I approve. You were due for a change.
Awesome review Spoony. Love how the panda saved the day….how lame XD
Was I the only one who thought Jin looked way too much like Charlie Sheen?
Every time saw the I guess bad guys point guns at Nina or the underage girls. I kept hearing the South African big game hunter guy from Jurassic Park. Where he screams, ‘SHOOT HER! SHOOT HER!’ when the Raptor in the cage is eating some random minority.
Oh good, I’m glad God didn’t actually smite you, that’s a load off.
Anybody notice that Nina has the same voice actress as Motoko Kusanagi in “Ghost in the Shell: Stand-Alone Complex?”
This looks like a prequel, or “prequel re-imagining” for a new series of crappy Tekken movies. They would have been better off making a live-action “Dig Dug” movie.
I did, and that makes me sad that she has to spout this movie’s godawful dialogue
Your audio reference jokes were EXTREMELY well timed. I laughed out loud multiple times. Well done!
…I think this was supposedly the prequel to the new Tekken Tag Tournament 2… Also, Considering how much the First TTT had to do with the storyline… Yeah…
Dear God, the pop culture references so many pop culture references. How can one movie leave it self open to attach like that. Its impressive if nothing else.
Is Heihachi voiced by fucking Lu Bu?
yup, Jamieson Price; he’s also the announcer in Super Street Fighter IV and Iron Tager in Blazblue.
Man, even for an anime standard this shit is stupid and nonsensical. If you think about the amount of work that has been put into the stunning CG animations this is just a waste of money and effort.
I love the opening by the way. Keep it up Spoony.
Wonderful delivery Noah, especially at the start when the movie introduces the Panda, you’re reactions had me cracking up.
From what I read in IMBD and amazon reviews, it doesn’t sound like a terrible movie. I guess this video does a perfect job to convey his feelings toward this movie, and if I watched it, it may not be as bad as it sounds.
Love the new intro! Great rant! I was hoping you would review this. I watched it before and it make no damn sense to me either.
Great review, also love the new intro :D
Wow, your new intro is SO awesome!
Things like this is why people hate anime. I mean…damn. It’s so bad..so indescribably bad.
Hell, THE ROOM looks like a masterpiece in comparison!
Friggin’ hilarious, man! Great review, as always! And yea, great new intro!
Yup– I think this is one of my new favorite reviews. Seriously, I was having a hard time breathing during the “Tekken: BLOOD VENGEANCE!!!” jokes. It probably helped that this movie was just astonishingly awful (and, as another commenter brought up, a perfect illustration of all the worst qualities of anime).
Keep it up, Spoony One.
Lee is totally half-assing his Chef Excellence impression.
An excellent half-assing!
My god… so stupid, so much stupid in this movie…ugh it’s painful.
Confront this absolute dreck with Soul Calibur 5′s story mode, where they
give protagonists a character arc, have tons of fighting, ditch 9/10ths of the
cast in order to focus on them better and you don’t really need to have played
the other games in order to understand stuff (and they explain what’s not clear
without treating you like a moron). Only one character truly comes out of
nowhere or isn’t affiliated to an antagonist. Clearly there’s at least SOME
decent writers at Namco, but they weren’t hired for this waste of time.
Although that has it’s own set of issues, like ditching 9/10ths of the cast to focus on two, very similar people. I will concede that that storyline is better than this though, at least Soul Caliber 5 had complexity to it. This…I think this was confused and was trying to be two types of movies at once, which doesn’t work out well.
I swear that music when someone gets kicked out a window should be the new “What ya say” on the site.
Ooh, great new opening.
2:45 Damnit, now I want to ride a panda bear. Or maybe an evil panda bear. Y’know, glowing red eyes, devil horns, fire pouring from its back, claws that leave glowing marks wherever they land?
9:32 How do you even practice dodging high-speed knives thrown from less than 2 meters away? As a high school student, why would you even practice that?
11:00 Wait, now she can intercept heavy object falling at rather high speeds in mid-air? Why is she so well-trained? I mean, I can understand training martial arts, but these tricks are waaaaay too specific.
13:00 Its like everyone in this movie explicitly prepared for the events in the movie, despite not having any reason. Why would the suicidal guy want security at all?
15:00 Hey, someone wearing sensible clothing for a battle! Okay, semi-sensible. Its still better than anyone else!
15:30 Why do all the fighting moves look like they’re performed by awkward high-school girls ? Well, technically they are, but you’d expect them to not be awkward at fighting moves, seeing how hilariously over-trained they are.
18:05 rocketpanda is best panda! Seriously, its stupid, but awesomely so.
21:49 Ooh, they misspelt Hugo de Vries. This boils my dutch blood.
Overall, this movie actually looks rather awesome. Very bad, yes, but also having insanely awesome moments.
You know what would have been great. Jin, Kazuya, and Heihachi teaming up to beat the hell out of Shin. Annoying little fucker would have gotten his death wish, the audience would have enjoyed it, and the the Mishima’s would get a warm up before that incredibly ludicrous fight scene (awesome but pretty over the top as well). This movie blows. There is a certain point were suspension of disbelief becomes actively trying to dumb yourself down to enjoy what you are watching.
I simply love the fact that there are still people who actually like the Tekken live action movie, its good to know im not alone in defending it ;) Great review Spooner, keep up the good work…and now go record some more Counter Monkey videos :D .
Ahahahah, great review. The movie was awesome, dat action, plot was … there, with them holes, but better than what’s in the game or in the other film anyway. Plus it enraged nerdy anti-anime fanboys, what’s not to love?
That intro freaking blew me away…
Like holy crap, I was not expecting that! YES! <3
Oreo Cannon! XD
Holy Crap what is with the voice acting? It sounds like Ninja: The Mission Force
So, when they said they were making a Tekken movie the right way, they meant they were turning it into a really confusing, no-plot anime replete with pretty much all the anime tropes? How is that better? I mean, yeah, the live-action movie might not have been great, but I honestly don’t know what this… Is… And is all anime really destined to always end up in the “character becomes god/the devil” singularity of endings?
You know what the funny thing is, though? If they’d stuck to making a movie that’s mostly action and very little plot – essentially just a setting and framing device… It would have made for a much better movie. Instead, they cluttered the movie with zillions of plotlines that do nothing and go nowhere, yet somehow manage to take away from the action at the same time. Think about it – why DO you watch a Tekken movie? Is it because of the compelling plot, or because Tekken was a good fighting game with good fighting in it?
Well, be fair. The Tekken series actually has had the “becoming the devil” motif since the beginning (or at least Tekken 2); hell, 2 introduced Devil as a playable character, and the Devil Gene that all Mishimas bear has been one of the central plot points in the series.
Dear fucking lord! This movie sucks panda-balls! Blood vengeance my ass! I want vengeance against the fuckers who made that shit! FUCK!!! By the way, the new intro is fucking badass!
Nice gordon solie quote you put in there. EXCELLENT!!!
Oh thats right this entire comment section along with spoony hates anime and says that anyone who likes it are retards
yeah – finally some public place where we can hate something in peace ;)
relax, there are many anime fans on those forums
Funny I could have sworn that I have a massive VHS/DVD collection of Anime which I started in the mid 90′s after watching Akira.
What in the actual fuck was that? You’d think with today’s animation technology, it’d be really easy to make an accurate depiction of the series, but instead we’re treated to this stupid fucking moe anime schoolgirl with a panda and android friend bullshit? And then the last ten minutes of the film looks more like fucking Shadow Hearts than Tekken. What the fuck? This should have been 45 minutes of intense, non-stop fighting between Tekken characters. Why do producers feel the need to try and insert a fucking PLOT into these films? And hell, they’ll fuck it up the other way around if there should be a focus on story (coughAdventChildrencough). Can these fuckwads do ANYTHING right?
Nice name drop of Shadow Hearts :D. (Otherwise, I agree).
One of your best reviews ever Spoony, it made cry ought of laugther. The new intro is amazing and the jokes was spot on. The Linkin Park/Emo-gag was amazing!
I also did not like this movie. It was just weird shit that did not entertain at all. I would have forgiven it if it was funny but it just doesn’t have a punch line at all. It just all nonsense. I guess I’ll just watch the live action Tekken after all because at least that one has fights which is the main attraction of the Tekken series.
I loved the Miles bit in the beginning. And it got more hilarious as it went on. Great review, Spoony.
Wait, according to Wikipedia, the writer of this movie previously worked on Cowboy Bebop, which has pretty awesome plot… WHY HOW DOES THAT I DON’T EVEN.
booze, lots of booze
and a dumptruck full of cash
Also, can we STOP using the Pieta as the default “tragic pathos” pose for awhile?
The reason why TEKKEN fans all over the world didn’t like the live action movie is probably because it could just as easily have been named “GENERIC FIGHTING MOVIE #7″! It had nothing to do with the games and the fighting scenes were HORRIBLE!
But as Spoony pointed out, the game’s storyline is also shite so it’s not like that would help the movie out at all.
The storyline of Tekken games is completely crap anyway, especially taking into account the animated feature. A life action adult movie with a fighting Kangoroo … really ?
I am Tekken fan and I liked the movie because Tekken is a generic fighting game and I expected to watch a generic fighting movie when I go to the cinema … not Hanna Montana fighting the pretador before being saved by a random Panda.
Great episode Spoony, the whole thing was really well done.
Spoony, you should be ashamed of yourself for using a rebecca black soundclip in your video.
Or should YOU be ashamed of yourself for recognizing it?
How Lee reacted: “Excellent!”
How Lee SHOULD have reacted: “MY HOUSE! My beautiful f**king house! Dear sweet baby Cthulhu what the hell have you people done to it?!?!?
LMFAO! i love Miles’ response
great episode but i think it might of been better to use a sceen from the live action tekken movie instead.
The editing on this feels real sloppy. A lot of the jokes needed to be tighter cut. For example, the Miles joke shouldn’t of been SPOONY trying to prove a point but rather a character forcing him into that odd situation. The whole thing overall felt a bit rushed and not analysed enough. Great new intro though.
Is the Panda in the games and movie Namco’s way of mocking the Chinese? XD
Haven’t laughed this hard at anything in a long time. Good show, spoony. Or, perhaps, “Excellent”
I still want a Street Fighter movie based solely on Dan.
That was sooo freakin’ funny dude… I haven’t laughed that hard in ages! =D
Spoony, you did an amazing job! Couldn’t stop laughing. Please keep up the great work! Also, where can I get a panda like that? It make commuting so school a LOT easier! Who knew the best alternative resource would be PANDAS! You sure Dr. Insano didn’t come up with it?
awesome new intro! Oreo is adorable!
You forgot about the “warm refrigerator” part.
Really? The only movie that includes the WOODEN MEN MADE OF STEEL, and this is what they do with them?
Also, did you cut out the part where the fact that Shin had another dude in his shower? Or did they forget about that sideplot?
Love the new intro
you know what else is ironic about the title “BLOOD vengeance”
there’s not a single drop of blood in this movie event though its called “BLOOD Vengeance”
Even more stupid, there isn’t any vengeance either. Seriously, double mohawk guy doesn’t count, he just wants power, and his motivation doesn’t have much to do with vengeance at all. The Williams sisters, they just hate each other, and their fight wasn’t on the screen.
Well… it’s a stretch, but Kazuma wants revenge on Heihachi for throwing him off of a cliff. And they are blood-related. They were barely in the movie though, so that obviously doesn’t count.
You was a little hard on this movie. You could at first just get this movie if you bought the HD-collection I think. It was just for fans!
But yeah, the movie is pretty bad. Panda is awsome thou.
Great and funny review as always. Just some more “Let’s play” on shitty but funny games would be great :)
Well, to be fair, the creator’s said they wanted it to appeal to more than just fans which is what he was basing the “can’t understand without playing the games” criticisms on.
EXCELLENT review Spoony!
Great review – and nice reference to Cowboy Bebop when she falls out that window. Not all anime has to suck ;).
…the fuck was that? (the movie, not your review)
Thanks for reviewing this man, I was going to buy it and see what it was about, but, after that I don’t think I want to get it anymore. Thanks man save me £15 there
“Anna and Nina, two sisters who hate each other. Never explained in the movie”
It wasn’t really explained in the game either. I got the vague impression that they were jealous of each others beauty and strength, but it was never really explained. Oh well.
I….i just…..I can’t defend this…..And yet i still like this movie.
The one stupid awful movie i like…and it’s this one…..But i just love that panda…and lee…and that Nina is voiced by Motoko Kusanagi (ghost in the shell), and the rocket punch thing, and the Devil Jin’s true forms…..Sorry Spoony ^_^;
Still awesome review. I could still point out all the flaws and agree unabashedly with ya. But still….
Damn i love tekken
Is it wrong that I thought the Rocket Powered Flying Panda was the most awesome part of the movie?
Seriously the Panda is probably the best thing in this movie. Yeah it’s stupid but…I just can’t bring myself to hate it, infact quite the opposite…
23:10 – So basically, Shin is the Demi Fiend from Shin Megami Tensei 3.
Mister Panda ate one too many burritos. :O
Did a great job of pointing out this movie has nothing to do with “blood vengeance!” without actually directly talking about it. Really smart move just repeating the title at the time it fits the least. *claps*
In similar style to how he shouted “PHANTASMAGORIA” all throughout his LP of phantasmagoria 2. Best way to highlight the utter mundaneness of the content by reciting the otherwise exciting title.
Hilarious! This and your final part of Final Fantasy X-2 were both absolutely brilliant!
So Alyssa dresses like Chuckles’ girlfriend and is just as annoying?
This looks like an hour and a half long Tekken ending sequence but not awesome like when Heihachi shoots his whole family into space on a rocket.
Miles finally shows up in a review too. Hi Miles! I think you’re cool!
This is pretty much my first ever time postin’ on this site despite having been watching material from this site for years. I gotta say though, I love this review and you’re pretty much spot on when talking about adapting fighting game stories to the big screen because, really, they don’t work and Harada just pretty much cemented that it doesn’t matter if you’re from Hollywood or the source material’s creator, a bad movie’s a bad movie. I’ll admit to not actually watchin’ the whole movie, just the three-way Mishima fight.
But yeah, you really don’t need to or shouldn’t adapt a fighting game’s story into a movie unless the story itself is actually decent and coherent. Otherwise, you’re just going to have to go original. It doesn’t have anything to do with “not just getting” or “not being a fan”, because the person making the movie scarcely has anything to adapt, other than a prologue from the games and endings when trying to do a story, so what’s the point. It also helps to not make a movie if it’s something “only the fans could understand”. What if you praised to your friend how great your favorite fighting game series was and tried to convince them to come with you to go see a movie adaptation of that game…only for them to be completely lost in translation as to what the hell is going on? They won’t know a damned thing unless they have a fan beside to tell them what’s going on, especially if the movie itself won’t explain or establish anything.
I was gonna recommend that Blazblue be easily adapted into a movie format seeing as how it’s one of the very few story-driven fighting game series out there and how good it is…but I think you’ve had more than enough of time-space bullcrap.
W-Why would you do this, Cristina Vee? Don’t you have better things to do?
You know Spoony, what you do is truly unique. It doesn’t take a comedian to do a 3 to 5 min movie review. Also, a number people have done the whole MST3K whole movie commentary. You however, take the humor and interest from the short reviews and extend it over 20 mins without being a watch-and-commentate.
Anyone else realize how unique this is?
Yes and No. Me and my friends do this sort of stuff ourselves (not review stuff just the general feel of his review style in how he goes off on tangents on other subjects and the jokes that comes out of it as well as the various nitpicking that is to be had).
That said. I like my friends quite a lot.
I demand a clip of Miles Edgeworth giving the thumbs up saying ‘Excellent!’
Hey Lee, what are your thoughts on Linkara’s new review?
The movie was wacky and made no sense. But that seems to be pretty much in keeping with the game. It kind of reminds me of FF7 Advent Children. Where the story doesn’t make much sense and is ultimately just kind of shoved aside so the Hero an Villain can just have an epic over the top battle.
Its also a good example of trying to appealing to everyone. Since all the boring stuff with the girl and android is clearly meant to satisfy the girl viewers. Where as constant explosions an punching down walls is for the boys. And the Panda is there for young children. Same thing that ruined the Star Wars prequels.
Actually, Advent Children was just meant as a short flick with Cloud and Sephy, until Square noticed that there’s a big enough audience for a whole movie, which resulted in them pulling the plot out of their arse.
You’re mass-appeal theory is nice, but I don’t think there are that many girls interested in a fighting game movie (a genre known for such feminist classics such as D.O.A.) called “Blood Vengeance”.
And speaking of Star Wars: I sure hope George Lucas will never see this Tekken flick. Otherwise, he’d make new Star Wars editions in which a Kung-Fu Ewok (or Jar-Jar in the prequels) appears out of friggin’ nowhere and ends every. single. fight.
For what it’s worth, as an avid Tekken fan, even I admit that this movie is terrible and the games themselves are just batshit. Myself and a lot of fans love it for the batshit, but it’s really not something a movie can be based on if it’s gonna strip out a lot of the combat. I can’t imagine how confused people would be if they watched it without a Tekken fan explaining random little details. Also, Lee was so goddamn disappointing.
The only thing this really had going for it were some pretty slick visuals. And “Excellent!”
Nice Ninja the Mission Force poster on your set there Noah, I love to see nods to other awesome stuff like that.
Miles is a sexy beast!!!
Miles’ cameo was golden.
By god I had a hard laugh every time you sed “tekken blood vengeance.”
Wait, Miles is the YOUNGER brother?! O_O Damn, I hate to know what he does for a living….
He’s a cop, or at least he used to be. I think.
Was he fired for standing in somebody else’s spot?
Also 300, 000 for repairing school equipment?! I hope that’s in yen not dollars, because charging a student with that much money is just….. Deep wang!!
I call bullcrap on this being animated. It looks Mo-Capped to me. Which means, as an animator, I instantly dislike this movie right off the bat :D
Speaking of which, love the new intro!
Also, I hated Alyssa the second I saw her character design. Does ANY-ONE else at her school dress like a eject FF XIII character? Although granted, when it’s revealed she’s a robot that was pretty cool. And I cracked up so hard at the Cowboy bebop reference.
Anyway, GREAT review! They’re always good but this one’s humour was REALLY snappy.
Isn’t EVERYTHING mo-capped these days, since it’s kinda hard to make realistic, 3-dimensional animations otherwise?
doresh: i think that was his point
Liezl: she looks closer to soul calibur reject than FF XIII
Oreo being in the new intro is awesome!
Xiaoyu yelling after the death of the emo guy she knew for 2 days reminds me of Leon in resident evil 4 shouting “MIKE”!!!! ( a helicopter pilot with no back story gets his name screamed with passionate anger )
I demand Spoony does Tekken Let’s Plays! It’s the least you could do when proclaiming yourself as the Lord of Tekken. I’ll admit it’s hard for me to defend the franchise after 5 and 6, but tekken 3 is arguably the best fighting game ever. For fuck’s sake, you can fight as a tiny orange dinosaur.
And has yoshimitsu been in any of these movies? The only tekken character i can comfortably say deserves his own game, and he’s not in these.
Yoshimitsu was actually in the live-action one – though I don’t know whether he’s a cyborg in that one.
What’s really weird about live-action Yoshimitsu his how him using swords in battle somehow revolutionized the Tekken tournament, with it now being lethal and deadly and stuff – which is strange considering that being a sword-swinging samurai is his main gimmick and that he probably entered the tournament before…
Can we all agree this is the best intro ever?
Yes. Yes, we can.
Yeah, the new intro is excellent!
Tekken: Blood Vengance seems to be insanely nonsensical and I loved every minute of this review.
New intro featuring a wrist mounted Oreo launcher…F**k yeah.
Take that back. Shadow Hearts wasn’t anywhere close to being this retarded.
Was this movie meant as a Parody of Tekken, or something? God damn it, it’s hilarious. Horrible, but hilarious.
Definitely something only to watch with a couple of friends, lots of alcohol, and weed.
Ugh… I hate the insecure, whiny, clumsy little Japanese schoolgirl stereotype. The Japanese’s obsession with immature, borderline imbecilic jailbait little girls never ceases to annoy me. They’re not cute, they’re annoying and I’m overcome with an unhealthy desire to hit them.
It’s really amusing how the Tekken creators insisted they were making a film accessible for both fans and newcomers alike… and then created a movie that requires foreknowledge of the games to understand half of the nonsensical and insane stuff in it.
to be fair, that -is- how the japanese think girls actually are. keep in mind that it’s an extremely misogynistic cluture.
Did you see the WTFIWWY video, where Nash and Jesuotaku discuss how you can buy panties from vending machines.
Panties. From PUBLIC vending machines.
im pretty sure that practice was abolished unless that wtfiwwy video was recent
Do you trust Snopes?
While this practice is supposedly outlawed, there’s a lot of eyewitness accounts of these vending machines still in operation.
Apparently, it gets even worse. The panties in question were supposedly worn by schoolgirls.
i don’t watch anything wherein “what the fuck is wrong with you” is the central premise.
You obviously know NOTHING about the culture if you were to think it’s misogynistic.
lmfao! you obviously know NOTHING about the way the japanese treat women if you think it isn’t. gb2 /r/mensrights
You’ve obviously never heard of a Soshoku Danshi. But it’s basically men, that realise that there are expectation of them from women (having a well playing job, having a certain type of personality/charisma), thus they must do away with women entirely (through no choice of their own). This is actually leading to large social problems in Japan (mainly the declining birthrate) because women in Japan expect to live how they did years ago, at home, being a housewife, whilst the man earns the cash. Men realise that they’re not worth anything to women if they’re not earning money, essentially, this also leads to people being shut ins – or hikkiomori. I’ve actually spoken to Japanese people, thus I have people who have experienced the culture first hand, not some professional victim who thinks an ENTIRE CULTURE is out to get women.
You obviously don’t know anything about Japanese culture, you’re just a juvenile little child that can only shout retarded things like ‘gb2 /r/menrights’. If that were even an insult anyway, I’m sure you’d say feminism isn’t bad but it’s the same thing, but male, instead. Pretty sexist. It’s sad that stupid people are the most cocky.
As Charles Darwin said: Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.
The gag with the Linkin Park song is absolutely amazing. Please use it in the future, or some variations of it at least.
TBH I have an easier time buying the dual chainsaws fitting in her arms than that she was able to either A) regenerate a new head (somehow) or B) explode her head without destroying it (somehow). COME ON!
This is like the Tekken equivalent of Street Fighters Legend of Chun Li where there is no actual tournament and its not even brought up until the very end of the movie.
And the point of the movies plot was…?
Honestly, this entire movie feels like it didn’t have a point, other than being a Tekken-in-name movie. No major character progression for anyone, nothing that changes the status quo, it just… it just IS.
There is no story to develop in the video games … or would you like to know if the army of Mutant Kangoroo suceed in taking over the world ?
yes, I would like to know if boxing kangaroos took over the world
Dude, the budget for that movie would be in the billions, not only you have the Kangoroos but the turtles and mutant dudes with tiger heads.
You do realise it;s a tiger MASK not a tiger HEAD right?
Last time I played Tekken you had a fighting Panda, a Fighting Turtle, a demon devil something … so why would I believe that it is a mask ?
Wait… Wait… What… Wait.
The Shin guy, who has girls following him for apparently no good reason whatsoever is an “immortal” emo… that sparkles.
… I’m not even making the Twillight joke anymore, you all already did it in your head.
Sorry if Repost: Gotta get this out in full -
I cannot listen to Alyssa without thinking of Noel Vermillion. Cristina V…
And wait…is that…Tager’s Voice?
Anyone else from the English BlazBlue cast in here?
Where’s the HANDS OFF THE PANDA joke?
This movie has got to be one of the most batshit-insane things you’ve reviewed. It makes no sense, it’s exhaustingly stupid, utterly pointless, and doesn’t accomplish much but serving as eye candy for whatever the stupid run time of it is.
And no, don’t make BlazBlue into a movie. It’s got a really great story – but you cannot do that story in a feature length film format. No.
yes, that was indeed Tager’s voice actor (Jamieson Price) playing Heihachi. Also, Ragna (Patrick Seitz) was Jin and Hakumen/Jin (David Vincent) was Shin.
Love the new animated opening, though you do look a bit like Shaggy from Scooby Doo in it. Also, are you planning on actually getting a Wrist mounted dog launcher for Oreo now?
As for the movie, yeah, it wasn’t the best movie, but at least the characters look like they were taken straight from the game, so…points for accuracy in the look?
Awesome new opening Spoons
Damn the new opening rocks.
This one looks way more interesting than the live action one. Jet-powered-Panda-flight? Sounds like win to me, no explanation needed :D
Gotta congratulate on the opening as well. Sick animation!
Im pretty sure story is not the thing ppl hate about Tekken live action – its bad choice of characters and those who matter are butchered as hell (yes, its WAY worse than Lee Chaolan as a teacher whos in the movie just to smile and say “excellent”). Fighting scenes dont help that at all cos the only characters with adequately looking fighting styles are Eddy and (sort of) Bryan.
Cant say i like the movie being about Xiaoyu, but heres how it works:
Jin teams up with his !love interest Christie! (wow might as well have Bart Simpson date Catwoman…) to defeat stock villain Kazuya, who is !scared to fight Jin directly! (wtf lol), while astonishingly wimpy old man Heihachi cant really do anything so he jsut watches it and comments it every once in a while – this is not Tekken, sir.
Three Mishima guys punch each others fists with such power that the huge building theyre in goes up in a gigantic propan-buthane explosion – that is Tekken, sir.
Really? I thought that Tekken was all about high school girls prancing around and talking about popularity contests and emo guys, because that’s what the majority of the movie is about.
“CRAAAWLING IN MYYYYY SKIIIIIIN !!!” *emo does emo things”
xD loool so funny, your choices of jokes ,music and other video references is much more proficient, elegant unpredictable yet right on the money, lately better and better!
You don’t try to do cheap loud obnoxious jokes, or force a stupid meme, by miles better than all other ‘critics’,parody-reviewers
I also like the how you mock the empty-bed cliche scene, by putting in the sqealing of nazguls as the sheets go up and then cut to the Lotr footage a second later.
Very stylish, very refined. And it hits the nerve; “Oh! hahaha” flashback
And it has to be said that better quality takes more time to make.
I re-watch your reviews so much you dont even know xD. But that’s because it’s well made.
also , please please dont do horror movies or other dark themed, gore heavy movies.
Stuff like this is much more fun and easy to revisit.
I fucking lost it at the Clerks cartoons reference. The Bebop window explosion was also pretty amazing.
I just love the music you put into the scenes with Shin. Totally fitting! xD
I stopped playing Tekken after the fourth title and turned more into King of Fighters (getting reminded of a quite bad movie here…duh…x_X) but even as a non-Tekken-Fan, I jump out of my seat, watching this.
Didn’t even knew there was a fully animated movie out there…
Spoony – this was awesome! You’re coming out with some great stuff this year!
I still can’t help but chuckle at the random semi, about to be destroyed telling us “My name is Optimus Prime…”
Also, Rock Band fans on PS3. Spoony’s theme song comes out on RBN next week.
Good gawd, I must watch this horrible film. I was in tears from laughing so hard.
That was the greatest. I chuckled at the Total Recall gag, but totally lost it for the “Oh, my God, Bear is Driving!” from Clerks: Animated. I actually watched that episode earlier today, so it was still fresh in my mind. The reference gags were all hits this episode and Noah rolled them on perfectly. If this year has more of these kinds of videos in store, then count me Fucking in! I can’t wait to see what’s next. Great Miles (I call him Captain M) cameo and the new opening rocks!
Love the new opening cartoon. Much nicer then the old one. Glad to see more from you Spoony.
Nice Jim Ross impression towards the end. Screw Michael Cole.
Agreed about the opening, its beautiful. Like, you could turn it into an animated series…….OH MY GOD SOMEONE MAKE A SPOONY CARTOON!
Also, I personally disliked the live-action tekken. Not because of it being nowhere near the games, I don’t give a shit about that, I just hated the plot and characters.
By the way, this film is also being sold as a PS3 game as part of the Tekken Hybrid bundle. On one disc, you get this movie, a 3D version of Tekken Tag Tournament and a demo of Tekken Tag Tournament 2.
So, to summarize the explanations for why anything in this movie happens…
Is it just me, or the best part from this review was Spoony talking to his brother so charismatically? Granted there were other favorite parts in here, but that one was just so love <3
And my god. So much for the love triangle in this movie. I can't believe the supposed main characters in this film just got cut off in the end. I guess I'm not surprised that the women in fighting movies would get dumped off (it's the same if Jun was the main character in a Tekken film…it would have eventually just spun towards Kazuya and Jin by the end of the movie). Killing Shin off pretty much made the females in here useless, which is really sad.
is it only me, or is lee like that guy from ace atorney? At 10:30 it looks like ‘Objection!’.
Epic Cowboy Bebop reference is epic.
funny cause the script writer for Cowboy Bebop… DID THE SCRIPT FOR THIS MOVIE…..depressing huh?
Actually, from what I’m reading, the guy who wrote the screenplay for Tekken: Blood Vengeance, Dai Sato, was on the writing team for Bebop, but he was not the head writer: the writer given the most credit for Bebop is Keiko Nobumoto. That explains why Cowboy Bebop’s writing is good and this is… well… not. Even good writers will screw up sometimes though… especially if they are forced to work within an established MESS of a story like Tekken.
Funny, I thought Tekken was a comedy series or at least half, given how I saw fans react to ending and such who are will to make fun of their game and show it some love at the same time like “Optimus Prime was no match for a tekken fighter” a “Why ride a bike when you can ride a panda?” also, how could you not love Rocket Powered Flying Panda? then watch Yor gliding a dead bat, that just seemd a bit hypocritical, unless, that was the point?
Glinding a dead Bat makes more sense than
Rocket Powered Flying Panda.
Also I love how the movie is called ”Blood Vengeance” with 2 girls having a crush on emo dude for half of screen time.
Yor is more violent than this.
Well, sometimes being awesome means not making any sense at all
sorry it took me so long to make this reply
Squeeeeeee! *calms down* Finally, a new review. :) Still awaiting your Final Fantasy XIII review.
2 best jokes in his groovey and robocop
I stopped watching after a short bit to download the movie and watch it – I plan to watch the movies before your reviews so I can have more insight on the movie. Plan to try out this internets reviewing trend, get a mindless fanbase of my own. :) First step in this is to learn how to objectively watch movies. It’s also nice being in a college filled with film and video game geeks. :)
I stopped at the halfway mark because I just wanted to end it and get back to your review. This movie has more plot holes and unanswered questions than minutes. Which is really saying something because the movie is too long for its own merit. 1 hour and 30 minutes of unGODly bad writing, horrible character development, and the plot that makes Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children COMPLETE seem like a comprehensive work of art.
I’m gonna resume the movie after your review. But my god, I need a break from that. Good job for watching this, Spoony.
Any tips on objectively watching movies, Spoony? Any advice would be nice. :)
Being complately subjective is a good start.
….And the director thought that his animated movie would be better than the live action one when it came to story? (Falls on the floor, laughing hysterically for several minutes).
I call bullshit lol.
lmao this is one of my new favourite Spoony videos. The choices of audio and video clips spliced in were hilarious. EXCELLENT!
Hey Spoony, wanna go to the mall and hang out and see what clothes are on sale?
TEKKEN! BLOOD VENGEANCE!
Hey, I got a coupon for chick-fil-a at the food court. Let’s see what they got.
TEKKEN! BLOOD VENGEANCE!
I dunno about the other people, but the live action movie didn’t seem that bad to me. The only thing that really bothered me was that they completely changed Kazuya. I mean, the ONE time he fights he uses axes. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT!?
I have zero knowledge of Tekken so any of the changes they made for the live-action Tekken didn’t bother me. So I just found that to be a genuinely enjoyable ‘popcorn movie’.
The jet propelled panda is the best thing in the movie.
I thought Miles was the older brother.
i acutally liked this flick, its at least better than any other video game movie ive seen
Okay seriously, that sound effect when Heihachi gets punched through the wall? That odd screaming sound?
Where is that from!? I’ve wanted to know since I first heard it in a review.
I think it’s Goofy falling down a cliff in Disney cartoons.
You know, you forgot to take 2 more shots with Alisa being nothing related to her Tekken 6 story with Lars, BTW another 2 shots for wher the hell is Lars? He’s apperently a new brother of jin and kazua, i need more booze for all the shots i have to take that will chain in this movie….
Was that a Strangelove reference when Heihachi went down the cliff? Epic.
No, that was the Goofy Yell from every time he falls from a great height in and Disney Cartoon.
I have to wonder if the Tekken fans really did enjoy this movie, much like the fans of FF for Advent children?
Great review Spoony, love the new intro too.
This review was confusing. I think I need to see this movie, it can’t possibly be this confusing right? ….Right?
Suuuure! Go… and enjoy.
the giant cutting in half laser can only be activated by sailor moon style attacks. Other weaker characters have to distract, mortally wound the evil giant before the most powerful blow can be dealt. Cause you know you have to stab someone before you can shoot them.
This movie is as shitty as the other Tekken movies. It doesn’t even makes sense within the Tekken canon, and is way too confusing for new fans to work as a non- canonical story.
The thing that pissed me of most in the live action movie was that several characters were nothing like how they were in the games, and I mean they fight waaay different than they are supposed to. And I disliked the Jin/ Christie romance too, since it made no sense at all. Also Jin was played by a terrible actor, and I really wonder why they focused onn Jin, when they dropped the supernatural storylines. They could have chosen to focus on some other character instead.
Thinking of it, the Kazuya/ Jin/ Heihachi fight should have been this entire movie. The only redeeming part about it, and the only thing the fans want to see.
Spoony. Oh, my God, Spoony. I love your videos so goddamn much. The new opening is amazing and when you made a Clerks the cartoon reference I laughed so hard I dropped cake all over my cat.
This movie was made for retards…that’s my only conclusion. Even “True fans” of the Tekken games (All…12 of you) would be like “WTF am I watching???”
Hi there, Tekken fan 3/12 here and I can honestly say “WTF am I watching?” was my reaction to 90% of this movie. I don’t mind the “story” in the Tekken games because its just the right amount of stupid to be entertaining, but the movie itself is just plain stupid.
It is stupid and what boggles my mind is that the Jap creators had the balls to hate on the Hollywood movie saying it was blasphemy and whatnot…and they “Give the movie the fans deserve” by giving them this crap???
So…people…Tekken fans…how do you feel about Hollywood now, at least they actually tried to make a movie you can actually talk about to normal people not your basement dwelling brethren. It’s kinda the same issue I have with the Mario Bros. Movie (And yes, THE MARIO BROTHER MOVIE IS BETTER THAN THIS MOVIE). You give Hollywood a chance to make a movie that’s worth a damn…you hate it because it’s nothing like the original source material…even though the original source material is fucking garbage.
So, you say “Hollywood shouldn’t make a movie at all about it”…BUT THAN YOU FANBOYS BITCH ABOUT HOW HOLLYWOOD SHOULD MAKE A FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…It’s a stupid…cycle…
Jap: what decade is this now?
Let’s make something clear: A movie like The Hunger Games is a movie that people want to talk about, now and probably for a decade to come. The Tekken live action is as forgettable as this crazy mess is, but for different reasons.
I see that the crew of the Tekken live action were trying to implement what they could of the game into the movie, but this animated movie can do all of that much easier. What they both failed at was TELLING A STORY.
Why do we hate Hollywood adaptations of Japanese things? Just like most adaptations, it might fall into the hands of some gun for hire who got the job because he was a cheap hire. Hollywood is a machine that needs to spit out movies, and they don’t give a damn what they do to the properties they buy.
At least when the original source is involved, or someone who cares about creating an above average product, there is more of a chance that we can get what we want.
A movie like the Hunger Games?
Might I suggest you check out Battle Royale? ;)
You could if this was 13 years ago. ;)
Dude, was… DAVID VINCENT playing Shin? A BlazBlue voice actor deserves better than that. : (
And, oh great… high school festivals and emo kids. The two things that turn me off… basically every anime known to mankind that isn’t Berserk. And HOW DOES WINNING A POPULARITY CONTEST SPARK A RELATIONSHIP? And another thing! WHY IS AN UNDERAGE GIRL GETTING A SHOWER SCENE? And why do we have to name superpowered attacks to use them? And why does this end in… it’s… but… you… wait, no. HUH? WHAT THE… OW!
GOD DAMMIT, JAPAN! I have written essays about King Arthur fighting Hitler on motorcycles and EVEN I THOUGHT THIS WAS STUPID!
yes, yes he was. Tager was playing Heihachi and Ragna was playing Jin. Even those guys couldn’t make that script work
wow thats like they took a really bad fanfiction and made an 3D-Anime of it
Could anyone tell me what is being referenced when the schoolgirl (I forgot her name, I’m sorry) falls out of the window in slow motion?
That would be Cowboy Bebop.
I’m pretty sure Japanese game makers all secretly want to be filmmakers, but figure games are the next best medium for telling their epic tales of the ages. Can’t think of any other reason they’d take the storyline for a fighting game so seriously, or why so many RPGs are basically OVA series with gameplay shoveled in.
Also, my niece watched this review and had the exact same thought I had when Shin started talking: “How did a Final Fantasy protagonist get in this movie?”
I think people hate the live action Tekken movie because they make the mistake of assuming that a game movie’s has to be identical to the game’s. After all, that’s why people hate the Street Fighter and Mario Bros. movies, right? Actually, it’s not quite the same situation. The Tekken movie at least retains the same basic plots of a fighting tournament and a really fucked up family while eschewing the parts that don’t fit the tone of the movie. Street Fighter and Mario abandon even the most basic concept of the game’s story for something completely different and entirely stupid. Now I have not seen the Tekken movie, so I cannot speak to it’s quality in other areas, but I know enough about the changes made to the story to say that it’s more faithful to the games than the Street Fighter movie.
They did, it’s called Street Fighter Alpha, and it kinda sucked
The Opening was AWESOME!
Amazing new video, Spoony! I have to say, I am REALLY digging the new animation you’re using. :)
Now I want to see Bruce Campbell fights a hypersonic flying rocket Panda…
You’re sitting on your favorite chair watching “My Little Pony” when it is interrupted by an urgent message from the government. You immediately turn up the volume and direct all of your attention towards the frantic looking newscaster. “Good evening, I am Ali Goldman-Soto here at channel 9 news. The government has issued a state of emergency for the whole country because an unidentified being has escaped confinement from a government funded laboratory in New Hampshire. It is unclear what this ‘creature’ could possibly be, but what we do know, is that it’s huge and vicious so you should stay inside your houses at all times.” Just then you hear a series of deafening crashes outside of your house. You race to the window and thrust open the curtain to see a 59 ft tall Lovecraftian monstrosity starring at you with one of its big black eyes. You recall a piece of information that your father had told you about how if you don’t move or think, Cthulhu won’t be able to see you, so you immediately stand as still as possible and thought only of a perfectly blank white wall. After 5 or so minutes of trying not to move or think, the Elder God loses interest in you and swings it’s head around to face a different direction. When it does so, you can clearly see a T-800 Terminator from the movies sitting on the Ancient One’s back waving staff with a flag that says “Thank you for another great and funny review, Spoony!” The Cyborg then steered Cthulhu down the street so it could gain enough speed to take off and fly away, never to be seen again!
Well, I haven’t seen any of the other Tekken movies but I do gotta admit the others look a lot better and easier to fallow than this! Granted the animation looks beautiful and very well done… the lip-sinc-ing is terrible though!
I always took the fighting animals in the games as joke characters not to be taken seriously! Just something there to fill out the roster!
Come on now Spoony we all know you’d love to have your own robotic teenage girl terminator with chainsaw arms and rockets!
Ok the one thing i don’t get about a lot of these movies is why can’t the main plot just be the fighting competitions the games are based on with a just a little bit of the back-stories getting involved! That’s all I ask of a Street Fighter movie is one where the characters all show up for their own reasons. Ryu just wants to be the toughest without all that junk connecting him to Akuma and Bison, Guile just wants to kill Bison for killing his war buddy, and Chun Li just wants to kill Bison because he killed her dad, and that’s it we don’t need to bring up any more than that… and the same here we don’t need it all to be about one deep and confusing plot point!
Well, I haven’t seen any of the other Tekken movies but I do gotta admit the others look a lot better and easier to fallow than this! Granted the animation looks beautiful and very well done… the lip-sinc-ing is terrible though!
I always took the fighting animals in the games as joke characters not to be taken seriously! Just something there to fill out the roster!
Come on now Spoony we all know you’d love to have your own robotic teenage girl terminator with chainsaw arms and rockets!
Ok the one thing i don’t get about a lot of these movies is why can’t the main plot just be the fighting competitions the games are based on with a just a little bit of the back-stories getting involved! That’s all I ask of a Street Fighter movie is one where the characters all show up for their own reasons. Ryu just wants to be the toughest without all that junk connecting him to Akuma and Bison, Guile just wants to kill Bison for killing his war buddy, and Chun Li just wants to kill Bison because he killed her dad, and that’s it we don’t need to bring up any more than that… and the same here we don’t need it all to be about one deep and confusing plot point!
Also what’s your thoughts on the CGI Japanese Resident Evil movie!? I think its name was Regeneration!?
Looks like the frigging Time Vortex just opened up on their asses.
This movie was out there, insane and idiotic. But it a kind of was entertain cause I knew what I was getting into. I can accept a weird world if your introduce it as weird. That why I can enjoy machine girl and its machine gun boobs. Think people main beef with the other movies this. Yea one could say the orignal games were dumb so ignore the backround stuff. But if your going to take that route why call it Tekken in the the first place. That like making a Yogi Bear movie and going “This is dumb BEARS CANT TALK. I am making a story about ranger who hunt down savage bears who kill people for their picaanick baskets”. Now dont get me wrong. That movie would be AWESOME. But it wouldnt be Yogi Bear now would it. Tekken shoulnt be hard..its a tourment that just happen to be in a world where magivc and supers science exist side by side
I think… uhh… highschool chick number One kicked it.
I hurt now… no really. I am not a player of the games but it HURT. Only Spoony’s ranting helped my brain stop leaking pink goo out of my ears. And the liberal amount of Kraken Rum I drank with it too.
Jesus goddamn monkey Christ, what the fuck is this thing and how did it even get made? Did nobody ever look at the first draft of the script and say “yeah, this is retarded”? Was there even a script to begin with? Suicide suddenly seems like a very attractive activity right now.
I’m sorry Japan. Timeout. I can’t take this level of insane.
yeah. Without the whole “cause and effect” thing, the mind just needs a breather, doesn’t it?
But who won the school festival’s popularity contest? This seems like the most important plot point, hopefully the bonus material will include the videos that all the female characters had to submit or I will just go off my nut!
Maybe it is, because I have not played the video game, but – I fail to see, why that movie is bad. I guess, I’m gonna to buy it on DVD, when it comes out over here, because, I found it quite entertaining. ^^
Bleh, another horrible dub of an anime. Watch it in Japanese with english subs
Oh I’m such an awesome guy look at me I watch animes with japanese dubs because i’m soooo special.
Dude, please don’t be a dick, especially when the time doesn’t call for it. It was just a suggestion.
man your just as bad as the anime club at the college i go to
the script isn’t any better in Japanese.
Did Spoony just use Rebecca Blacks Friday in his video -.-’ Anyway. This was a great video and review like always :D
500+ Comments already!? Goddamn! Even though this movie is completely ridiculous and stupid, if you are a fan of the Tekken Story, this is pretty much what you can expect from Tekken! The live action movie tried to resemble something vaguely logical, but the 3d movie is reading straight from the book of the game.
Tekken’s story (most of it) has been bonkers from the very beginning, and only got odder.
I kinda understand why they had some characters as teachers (basically because they wanted to cram in fan service cameos) and I think that Lee’s attitude matches that goofy pool boy ending Spoony played at the beginning of the review.
So I guess I’m saying…thumbs up?
:( I just want a Tekken movie. Do it animated like this, but hire someone who can write to do it. I’d like to see someone try and make something out of this crazy series.
I don’t get why is Lee Cholan so god damn different from the video games?
I find it funny that people comment on how they actually liked it.
I am no fan of the actual Tekken game, so – I do watch the movie standing on its own, and when it is watched under that premise, it is a funny action flick. ^^
Same as Dragonball or The legend of chun-li. The latter, I only watched, because I like actress Kristen Kreuk and was not really interested in all that mythos behind the character.
I did not HATE Dragonball E WITH A BURNING PASSION but it and Chun-li stink, whether you know about the source material or not.
That might be, but I watched both movies, and I found them rather entertaining. Not good-quality-entertainment but sunday-afternoon-nothing-else-to-do-so-lets-watch-a-nonsensical-movie-entertainment.
But then, I like Battlestar Galactica and NCIS, too. ^^
I must be silly for not understanding, but are you equating NCIS to Battlestar Galactica?
Nope I am not equating, I am just saying, that I like both series. Both are good shows in their own right – but… look at the articles, the “critiques”, that Spoony wrote about it. When I get it right – maybe it is a misunderstanding or something, because english is not my native language – he hates both shows. I just wanted to point out: I liked the movie, but that does not have to say much, because I like those two shows, too – oh, and I liked the Catwoman-movie with Halle Berry. ^^
Oh, it was a reference to Spoony.
Listen, in any language, I don’t think you and I have the same tolerance for bad movies.
I am a fan of the statement “Live and let live”, so – if people don’t like the movies, that is okay. But I react a bit pissed, when I read, that those movies are just awful, and there is no way to enjoy them, except from being lobotomized or something like that.
I see myself as a proud owner of a thing called “brain”, and nevertheless, there are some movies, which should be exemplary good and I see them and say “what a piece of crap”… and then I see a movie like Catwoman and say “that is not that bad after all.”
No, not really.
I mean, I can understand, that Fans of the genre get pretty pissed about it, but me, as a non-fan and just-casual-watcher… I had not much problems with it. It was just a dumb, harmless action flick.
Ohmygod its animated!!
great job spoony! damn these game based movies suck balls! just horrible what they can come up with.
… What the hell did I just watch!?!
…The hell??? Alyssa (I believe that’s her name, chick with the pink hair) is NOEL VERMILLION?? Shin is Jin Kisaragi?? Jin is Ragna The Bloodedge!?! Heihachi is Iron Tager!?!?
…Wow. The BlazBlue-Tekken crossover I never expected.
Whats with the panda how the hell can it run a gillion miles an hour and stop a friggin walking mountain? If the androids head exploded how is it that she has her head in the next f%#4 frame? Who the hell was the guy talking to the emo kid in shower? WHAT THE HELL IS EXCELLENT!! GAHHHHHH this movie has more plot holes then Blackburn Lancashire!
Awesome review Spoony keep up the great work!
“If the androids head exploded how is it that she has her head in the next f%#4 frame?” She actually regenerates her head. It was in the games, at least
No offense Spoony but I really have to say that at worst this movie’s writing is about as bad as the live action’s writing. Inconsistent writing, bad acting and odd (and inconsistent) characterization plagued it, not to mention the ending (as you pointed out) was nowhere near as happy as they tried to pretend it was.
Granted I haven’t played the games in about 14 years, I do vaguely remember the angel and devil flying around and shooting lasers out of there heads at each other. Also a guy with like a cat head. . . and some kind of wooden robot or something.
So …. Where the fuck is Yoshimitsu?
Love the review, good sir. And oh man, that new intro…fuckin’ amazing. What else can I say?
Looking forward to more~
Oh god McGlynn aka, THE MOTHAFUCKING MAJOR, was involved with this. How could it come out so bad..
I am every day more amazed by the ability of the big studios to waste increasing amount of efforts, good CGI and visuals for increasingly stupid stories.
After all these Fighting game movie based reviews I would like to see one on THE WORST one of the lot Legend of Chun-Li. Miscast, butchered characterisation, bad acting, bad script, piss poor fighting choreography, there is nothing for any fan of the game or a casual movie goer to enjoy.
Film Brain already did it.
That little bastard!
I honestly didn’t mind this movie, it was stupid but it was way more entertaining than the live action movie. I fell asleep during the live action movie it was so terrible. This movie was pretty fun for a good laugh or just to see a few Tekken characters in CG. The fight scenes in this movie are sick. The live action movie has karate but come on, it’s Tekken where things are more fantasy oriented.
The reason people enjoy this more is because it’s Tekken characters looking and acting how they do in the game and not some guy in a cheap looking costume trying way to hard to be a Tekken character.
This is why live action movies bomb so badly because nobody wants to see their favorite game characters look like every other dude you meet on the street, it may as well just be cosplay then.
No Lee is not a school teacher in the game but he is one quirky mofo and I think that was shown pretty well in this movie.
Its not so much the dispensing of the supernatural elements and nonsensical plot that people disliked about the Live-Action Tekken movie. I think its more about what they replaced it with. They replaced it with a plot so generic and formulaic, we would need an extra set of hands to count how many movies, let alone video game based movies, that have done the same thing – and, more often than not, BETTER than Tekken did it. Blood Vengeance was probably more well received because it appealed more to the crowd who like the batshit insane plot. I think it boils down between choosing “So Bad Its Good”-Stupid plot or “Its The Same, So It Sucks”-Stupid plot.
Highlander III: The Final Dimension review! PLEEEEASE. I have it on VHS if you need it.
New opening! FINALLY!
Oreo rocket launcher AWAYYYYY!!!!!!
Why is the rum gone?…… Well because spoony drank it all thats why.
the fuck that girl steal Mary Poppins bag or put a Tardis in there. she pulls out palm leaves that are over twice the size of the bag T_0
Noah, the Tekken storyline isn’t supposed to be Tolkien grade drama, but nevertheless it used to have a canon for a short while, just like any other game, and what us fans want from the series is to take that canon seriously and develop it reasonably.
Give characters over-arching storylines, and to stop harping on the idiotic, forced rivalries of Nina vs. Anna or Bryan vs. Yoshimitsu, because they don’t bring anything to that aforementioned canon. Just pointless fanservice where no fanservice is due.
Taking a good, hard gander at Tekken 4 and even 3 will give you a good idea what I’m talking about. The plot used to have substance. Today, it’s all about getting a 5 second CGI sequence with Heihachi being naked, or Bryan shooting the ever loving fuckshit out of something for the lolz.
Here, do this: Search up the ending sequence for Nina in Tekken 4. Now search up the ending sequences for her in 5 and 6. See, the difference?
The whole Devil gene thing used to be fun, too, if a little dark and edgy, but so what, we were teenagers back then. The series should have matured with us and gave some sort of a culmination to the entire story.
Tekken 5′s kick ass intro cinematic is where the series ended for me. That’s the last part that had substance in the narrative. Kazuya and Heihachi wake up, they get ambushed by G corporation, no doubt looking to get their hands on the whole Devil gene business, and they have an awesome fight, at the end of which Kazuya betrays his father, leaving him to get blown up. Is Heihachi dead? Find out next time on DragonBall Z.
That was where an actual game would leave Heihachi out of the storymode entirely, for that installment, to create a sense of suspense. So he could make a big return in Tekken 6 and have an actual impact on the story or something. But nope, he’s back on the roster almost immediately, just turns out to be a forced plot device, just like everything else in the story mode. The canon as a whole made no progression at all in Tekken 5, aside from “There was another tournament, Jin won it. The end.”
Jin gaining control of the Mishima Zaibatsu and waging a world war could have worked for a plot in 6, but it wasn’t anywhere near executed well enough. We don’t get to focus on the story’s main characters, being the Mishima family and their supportive cast, but instead we have two new characters nobody cares about, who are absolutely forced into the middle of the entire plot.
Tekken is a tourney game/series. I can appreciate that. But goddamn, theres no reason not to have a well executed story mode in the games. Take Tekken 4 as an example. A small roster means you can actually develop a story that spans several games, with plot lines that arch over several different characters. That doesn’t mean you can’t include all the characters in the game. You only have to exclude them from the story mode, that’s all. Trust me, nobody will miss another 6 second Jin getting launched into space CGI segment.
This, This, and motherfucking THIS!!
And in regards to the movie… well… I don’t even know what to say. Clearly it’s not canon, that much is clear but…. well why the fuck not? I think Namco way overestimates their fanbase’s propensity for wanting more senseless stupid fanservice. I have no fucking clue where the DragonBall Z style high-speed movements come from. Super-human speed has never been even remotely a theme in Tekken, gameplay and CGI alike.
The absolute worst is how they completely repurpose characters from the series for extras.
“Hey we need some gym teacher dude!”
“Oh yeah just fucking put in Ganryu, the fans will love that!”
“Hey, we need another teacher!”
“Oh yeah, no, just umm take like Lee or something, yeah the fans love Lee!”
“Make him say excellent a lot too, cause I think we have some gimmick going on with him where he arrogantly says Excellent in every game.”
But really, though, everything about this movie sucks my nuts, and if they wanted to do pure fanservice, then why the fuck didn’t we see MORE characters doing what they do? Why did we need a shitty story?
Here’s a pure fanservice movie outline:
1. Bryan Fury walks around in the middle of a battlefield, not giving a fuck, doing what he wants, trolling soldiers on both sides. Maybe have Dragunov on one side get fed up with it and confront him for a fight.
2. Yoshimitsu is in a forest searching for Kunimitsu, they have a sword/fist fight, scene has a mysterious ending.
3. Paul and Law have whacky and hilarious antics, Lee Chaolan gets dragged into the scene as well. He scams Paul and Law somehow, then says “Excellent” with a Japanese accent.
4. Lei tries to arrest Feng. Fistfight.
5. Anna and Nina have an explosions filled battle.
6. Lili and Asuka have whacky antics at school.
7. King, Marduk and/or Steve doing professional fighter stuff in a ring or something.
8. Ganryu is a lovable hunk of fatness and he’s in love with Julia. Totes funny and shit, or something.
9. Heihachi, Jin and Kazuya have an epic fight as usual. Jin turns into the Devil, ruins everyone’s shit, goes crazy, leaves the scene with Heihachi unconscious. Kazuya gets thrown off a cliff for the 86th time.
See it’s not that fucking hard, Namco’s been writing this silly shit for the past two installments.
Panda has been a Tekken character since Tekken 3 afaik.
Has anyone seen this site:
you question yourself: Why?
Hello moderator, why did you delete this: http://deadhorseinterchange.com/wiki/index.php?title=Spoony
People should know how far out people can go right? Or do you indirectly mean that people are stupid that they will get convinced by deadhorseintercharge’s bullshit? No wonder no one have posted this yet. How can you be better than these bumknobs if you delete it? I wonder what will happen, this is getting interesting.
Finallly, I am at my computer to say this: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
First off, you probably have been going around spamming this dumb Encyclopedia Dramatica-esqe wiki article, like it will “change minds” You didn’t fucking uncover a JFK conspiracy!
You wrote “blah blah blah, we’re jaded about Spoony, blah blah blah personal shit” I bet Spoony’s giggling about that nonsense, because he’s probably in a far better situation now, and he has tons of people digging his stuff.
I know nothing about his early days, but he’s not fucking George Lucas. He’s still a very funny motherfucker, shitting on stuff he doesn’t like, and singing the praises of what he thinks is classic.
What a bunch of dildos to say “you were devoid of funny for years, but I guess you’re tolerable now. So you stuck around for that long?
So, in short, I (nor anyone else) didn’t ask myself why I didn’t see that dumb wiki, because no one is looking for it, and no one cares. ALSO, who the hell is going to deadhorsewhateverthefuck? You act like that’s twitter.com! What, do you advertise? What are you talking about? You unlocked the “scary mysteries of young Spoony” Ugh, good for you.
I hate internet fucktards. Go sit in a corner.
I knew someone would misinterpretate what I wrote in particularly this way you did, it was just a hutch, and the comment section was not the right place either maybe. I can only blame myself. I am NOT one of the people hosting Deadhorseintercharge.com, and I am fairly confused by your perception of my comment (correct me if I’m wrong). I would suggest you get to the bottom of the case before taking the freedom to rant on someone. I honestly don’t know how I found the site, maybe I was CURIOUS, and I fail to see why it matters there of.
You tell me your intentions because, you know, you’re the guy who wrote it.
I don’t believe your “oh I’m just innocently placing this link here.” Just be honest.
You’re bringing up that wiki to start shit.
Touché, you got me, I am intentionally placing this link here to start shit.
Whatever, guy. Just state what you wanted us (or Spoony) to do once you posted those links.
Are you mental?
Well, then you had an intention, the intention to spread the link. Intention and ulterior motive aren’t synonymous.
Also, as a completely separate note, the fact that you describe “starting shit” as shooting up your middle school fairly disturbing.
I was like: No shit…
I said the fans of “Spoony” are cute, and they are: Growing unnecesarly hostile towards something they don’t know first. This is a horrible statement, but it is just a thought experiment, and it is in consent. Now, being offended by it is ridiculous.
Tell me, why would I be told that I’m an animal and cousin to chimpanzees? I wonder why you made such an example. Hmm.
I read what you wrote, and if your intentions were pure, you sure got irritated when it got taken down, saying that
I am not “offended” by what you posted, or what was posted on that site. I am bothered and curious, absolutely.
“Growing unnecesarly hostile towards something they don’t know first.” What do you expect. We are human. What are you? ^^
I’m clearly an aliens apparently, I don’t know, ask the humans.
Just spammin the F5 button here…. How cute are the fans of Spoony
Alright the comment have survived for 8 minutes now, humanity won, hurray for the internets. Well played. Welcome to the Spoony EXPERIMENT
It somehow makes me smile that the ending song, a tribute to Spoony no less, it’s interpreted by–get ready for this–Sad Panda.
Other than that, excellent review of a rather horrible movie. I love that new intro animation, too.
The way I think of this film is basically this: The story doesn’t matter, the rest of the film is only there so they could make an awesome big giant fight scene. Similar to FF7: Advent Children. The film only exists to justify the climax.
23:22 This revelation might make this movie the worst possible screenplay anyone could ever write.
I didn’t catch the reference at 14:33, help anyone?: D
either you are referring to the “cylon” comment, which is from battlestar galactica, or the “what a twist!” bit from robot chicken. i am going to assume the latter. that was supposed to be m. night shyamalan. the setch was basically someone would do something completely out of nowhere, and shyamaan would say “what a twist!”
Anyone else get Phantasmagoria flashbacks with this one?
CRAAAAAWWWWLING IIIIIIIIN MYYY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIN
THESE WOOOOOOUNDS THE WIIIIIIILL NOT HE-UHL!
Deus Ex Panda FTW.
Love the new opening animation
You’re all wrong. Cause this is the BEST tekken movie.
That’s a frightening thought
Out of curiosity I asked a friend who works with animal rights groups and wildlife reserves how illegal it is to own a panda as a pet. He said you can get jailed for something called ‘species endangerment’ basically what you get for poaching a rare animal. Soooo, yeah, bitch is going to hell.
Its Mischief Makers the Cerberus Alpha stage… that you havent seen…
watch Great Teacher Onizuka… and lol who is famous for saying ‘none of your business’
I’m a long time fan of Tekken, and I know alot of the series story, and I didn’t like this movie. the choice of Xiaoyu and Alisa as the main leads was a bad decision, and was obviously taken to appeal to the Japanese teenage audience. -_-
seriously, just search for the movie’s fight scenes on YouTube, it’s the only thing worth watching. other than that, stay away.
really loved the review, even though Spoony harped and complained about some secondary stuff, but I still agree on most of what he said regardless.
BTW, awesome Miles cameo, who I’m surprsed to know that he’s your YOUNGER brother! seriously, I always thought he’s the older one. which is the reverse from when I found out that Rob Walker (Doug “Nostalgia Critic” Walker’s brother) was Doug’s OLDER brother. 0_o
also, that Rebecca Black joke caught me off guard, I did not see that one coming XD
A really good review (or should I say “excellent”) and that film looks like one to avoid. But I have to ask, what is the song being played when Xiaoyu is punched out the school building?
haha, loved that smackdown commentary-scene :D
I got to say, I haven’t seen it myself, but based on those clips this movie looks AWESOME!
Don’t get me wrong, it looks terrible, but it definately looks like the fun sort of terrible, and that animation is just stunning. I am kind of curious to see how well it looked in 3D.
Another great review, and a PHENOMENAL intro. I’ve never seen so many reviews referenced in a mere 40 seconds.
I cried at “excellent” and I don’t laugh easily.
The Cowboy Bebop music in the window scene made me just burst out laughing. In fact, pretty much everything after that cause me to burst out laughing.
P.S. PHANTASMAGORIA: THE BLOOOOOD VENGENCE!
Wow, the new intro kicks ass.
This movie is damn weird. Then again, it’s japanese.
Great review Spoony – really enjoyed it!
I thought it was a running joke that Lee approves of everything. So that’s one shot.
A little busy at times, but I liked it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfBgRGX12ME&feature=uploademail we know you’ll love this!!
DEAR GOD. Shin is almost exactly like Steve the Emo Douche from RE: Code Veronica. He even turns into the Hulk before dying!
Speaking of horrible CG movies based on videogames, you should review
Resident Evil: Degeneration.
*looks at title card*
so ahh spoony did someone slay your blow up doll?
Great review. What is the name of the song playing when the ‘Emo’ character tries to kill him self. Every since I heard it on this video, its got stuck into my head.
Forget my question. The video was initially cutting out early on my end, so I could not see the credits.
You review a lot of interesting stuff, but have you ever thought of reviewing this quarky little number? - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chex_Quest
…and ‘yes’, it is Doom ‘in disguise’, but I really enjoyed it as a kid, though I would imagine you’d probably hate it. XD
I watched this video again just for the animated intro.
Definitely one of your best reviews! Keep it up!
Anyone else think Spoony looks like Shaggy in the new intro?
(The Scooby Doo character, not the rapper.)
Hypersonic rocket panda. My new favourite film and Spoony quote in one glorious moment.
I love how in the scenes with Shin Kamiya, the metal music plays in the background
So Kazuya is a bad guy? When did he decide to become evil? Reading a plot summary of the games makes it sound completely fucking random.
Have you played the games? He’s not really a good guy, either.
It’s just weird that he goes from the protagonist to the big bad so quickly.
Tekken is weird.
Seriously, this is one of my absolute favourite reviews Spoony’s ever done. If it means having to wait for months for quality of this calibre, it’s worth it.
the movies and the games are different, don’t get stupid
if the movies and the games are same, it will get bored
Yes, you do have a point, but if you make something based on something else, you have to make sure it’s relevant.
The brother bit in the beginning was hilarious.
1. if you played the tekken games at all, you’d know xiaoyu has had a panda as a pet ever since. that’s why they never have to explain it to you.
2. i agree the mutare experiment business was lame (and ultimately turned out to be useless). and that lee and ganryu had pointless cameos as well, mostly just for laughs.
3. you really should quit whining about videogame physics in a videogame-based movie. if you want something grounded in reality, watch a hollywood movie sheesh.
4. they blew up the building because it looked cool.5. excellent has been Lee’s catchphrase he always utters for the lulz in the tekken game’s ending movies.
5. you are right the only guys that mattered are heihachi, jin and kazuya. not much is explained about them because this is a fan-service moment when they show this encounter. only fans are expected to know anything about them and their ire against each other.
6. i agree that majin heihachi was pulled out of their ass.8. there was no tourney because it apparently was between the tekken 5 & 6 tournaments. that’s why it’s mostly filler material.
1. this isn’t the game, its the movie and it needs to explain its self in order to be any good.
2. this whole movie was pointless and the only laughter it got out of any one was people laughing at how bad the movie was.
3. this was a hollywood movie you dumb fuck!
4. fuck you, go suck micheal bays dick and choke on it!
5. fuck that and fuck you.
6. thats not an excuse you moron, the movie is called “TEKKEN” not “TEKKEN CHARACTERS”. Your a dumb ass for even remotely liking this thing… I dont even want to call it a movie. Its not worthy of the tittle. :/
Dude no need to be a dick and your six reason is stupid, Tekken isn’t just about those three guys…if it was what’s the point of having the cast of characters in the game (especially with their own plots and stories)
And i like how u make it sound like this is the worst movie of ALL TIME when there’s WAY worst :l (Garbage Pail Kids anyone)
1. if they wanted to explain the tekken universe from scratch they would’ve started with the tekken 1 storyline arc.
2. i blame the writer
3. it was a typical japanese CG anime movie, you dumbass
4-5. what are you, 9? can’t even provide decent reasoning? head hurts too much eh?
6. you’re the moron, so what if i like this movie? i hate and like parts of it as i please. P.S. your art sucks btw, don’t quit your day job!
I know what you mean about the panda. I watched this movie and every time i saw the panda im like “fuck sake the god damn panda is here” he sits on a couch watching TV and it wears bangles. Why does it need bangles?
And if were discussing real pandas all they do is sit on their ass and consume massive amounts of Bamboo all day. So that little bit of bamboo she gives to the fan service panda will hold it for like a minute. And no one wants a panda for a pet. Yes they are cute and cuddly and they look so precious but they are bears and very nasty ones at that. I worked in a zoo for a summer and was more afraid to go into the panda exhibit than I was to go to the tiger exhibit. Pandas are nasty fuckers. They won’t run away from you but they will maul you into the fucking abyss.
made my day
Is Heihachi voiced by the same guy who does Lu Bu since Dynasty Warriors 5?
This looks and sounds like the worst movie ever made! Where was all the actual fighting? the ending which is where all of the action is, has no real fighting in it. Its more of an all out war than the 1 on 1 brawls or fighting it was suppose to be. This movie was fucking lame. None of the characters even fight, and what ever happened to the two sisters? Fuck this movie!
I can’t tell if the movie’s dubbed or if the lip-synch is just really horrible. Not a good sign.
Clerks: TAS FTW!
Hey don’t fuck with Mr. Lee. Mr. Lee is EXCELLENT!
I nearly shit myself laughing when he cut out Shin’s audio with Crawling the first time. lol
i whanna punch a wall
tekken….oh god why
I am a big tekken fan and really enjoyed the live action film, I was surprised how alot of the characters looked so well to there gaming counterpart apart from kazuya and jin and steve but everyone else looked cool
lol spoony I enjoy your sarcasm towards the live action indeed how dare they focus on awesome action scenes
I hope they do a 2nd live action tekken
Check Wikipedia. They are. It will be a prequel.
While watching this review I realized something. Instead of using the Tekken game don’t you think it would have been better to have used Killer Instinct. There is very few games so not only can you use all the characters but can easily add a shit load more. The story (What little I saw in the game) can be greatly modified. And finally since you can kill your opponent in the game mass murder can be easily acceptable (especially since a majority of the combatants aren’t really living humans).
Yor Hunter From the Future makes MORE rational sense than a movie with android women with buzzsaw hands, an emo Japanese highlander, and a schoolgirl who apparently chose the “Monk” job class… riding a panda… I’m almost positive I just heard some brain cells scream in agony and die.
I don’t get the Seatbelts ‘Green Bird’ joke. It must be in reference to something else as you used it in the review of the animated Tekken film as well.
Thanks to Cowboy Bebop, that song has become the Internet’s official “people falling off of high-storey windows” song.
It has been almost a year since I saw this, and it still is as funny as it was the very first time. This is awesome work you’ve prepared for us, a big thumbs up Spoony! I think that when I’ll be 80 years old I will yell “Omg it’s panda, it’s killing people!” on a bus station.
This movie is so awful I didn’t finish watching the review. Like really, how often does that happen? I can’t look at it another second, so I’ll go watch another.
Alisa looks and dresses like a slutty clown. Kind of like April Von Lon.
Exellent = “Dear diary, jackpot!”
A friend invited me to see this in the theater when it came out and the one scene that stood out the most to me was an Epic death scene with Alisa and Xiao Yu where Alisa utters the words in a dieing embrace ” I’m sorry I couldn’t be your refrigerator “
I guess people’s dislike for the Tekken live action movie wasn’t that it was a crap movie, but that it was a crap Tekken movie.
I mean sure it’s a fun movie by itself, but if you’re going to base it on something that exists, why completely disregard the story? Just do your own thing. It’s like making Lord of the Rings and setting it in space with all the character names but none of the personalities.
Just make your own movie and do your own thing. I mean hell, you decried the King of Fighters movie for doing exactly what the Tekken movie did!
Kazua and Jin vs. Beer Money?
Actually, about the whole “it’s my dear sister” line, that actually is an authentic line in japanese, it’s just impossible to translate properly.
In japanese, when you adress an older sibling, you usually call him or her oniichan (older brother) or oneechan (older sister).
If you call your older sibling oniisama/oneesama, it’s a proclamation of great respect (so much so that it’s very unusual to actually hear it in everyday speech).
I have not seen the movie in japanese, but to me it sounds like Nina says “oneesama” to Anna when they meet because that term usually gets translated to “dear sister”, whish is the closest way to translate it that I can think of but it still doesn’t properly convey the meaning behind the term.
In this case she says it with heavy sarcasm, and that it a pretty big insult in japanese.
Otherwise that scene with spoony and Miles was very funny and I liked it, just thought I’d share my thoughts (I’l be the first to admit I’m a huge nerd).
if tekken and ffX had a retarted bastard child
Best of the Tekken films, dude.
You forget Spoony “men don’t give a shit if a woman is spying on them!”
I’ll be honest, I’m surprised you didn’t catch this one…
When the semi truck explodes in the beginning…all the other cars keep driving like nothing is going on…they don’t even swerve.
“OH MY GOD MOM! THAT WOMAN JUST DROVE A MOTORCYCLE INTO OPTIMUS PRIME AND BLEW UP THE BRIDGE!!”
“Hahaha, silly children and their imaginations.”