The Barbarians

The Spoony One | Apr 22 2014 | more notation(s) | 

The Warrior leaves us one final gift even greater than SKRONK. We’ll miss you, crazy man.

  • Jeeves Roo

    “I’m in a lot of cults…” Died laughing. RIP me. Spoony, you slay me.

    • Patrick Coyle

      His mother tried to warn him when he wanted to buy Ultima 8, but no, he just HAD to have his RPGs with their devil summonings, child sacrifice, and flaming pentagrams.

  • Daniel2112

    I saw this about twenty years ago. It was terrible then, too.

  • Mark Silveira

    Spoony likes Manowar…? No homo but i love you Spoony.

    • Garmrspor

      Uh, yes. He’s just Manowar songs at the end of some reviews (I think the Ultima retrospective).

  • Zandrous

    Oh my god. That was such a stupid movie lol. This had me rolling. Great job man.

  • Daniel Tilson

    It didn’t fire because he doesn’t have those fingers on that hand.

    Though why he would have forgotten that and tried to use them… I got nothin.

    • Patrick Coyle

      And after a decade, he should be used to being left-handed anyway, shouldn’t he?.

      • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

        He probably had his harem carry out all his dextrous articulation needs for him throughout all those years.

        And just because I wanna be a jerk to those who’s minds are blissfully in the gutter after that last statement, allow me to add that this also includes cleaning his bodily filth; from nose to anus (what, it’s FUN!).

    • http://spoonyexperiment.com The Spoony One

      Wait, what?! That… that makes no sense. Wouldn’t you obviously try to fire the crossbow with your other hand? Who would be that stupid?

      • The_Hyphenator

        We are talking about a guy who tried to beat Chuck Norris in a quick-draw rocket launcher duel. I wouldn’t give him too much credit for intelligence.

        But seriously, yeah, I just watched the clip again to confirm. The sound you hear isn’t the crossbow mechanism jamming or not engaging, it’s the sound of his finger-stump pulling uselessly at the trigger that it can’t quite reach. My mind is utterly blown by this. The villain of this movie is actually dumber than the moose-calling, randomly incestuous heroes.

      • Daniel Tilson

        The bad guy who stood there bleeding from those same bitten off finger at the thought of getting some from the ugly queen lady. That’s who.

      • Casey Williamson

        Some type of unstable mentally deranged person whose basic cognitive judgment is severely impaired. It’s a battle of wits; all of them dim…

        It’s a chess match, and the players are eating the pieces…

  • Jailer_of_Justice

    This video just made my day and it isn’t even noon yet. Good job Spoony.

  • weasker

    Awesome review. You seem to be in your element, energetic, positive and funny, reviewing this sort of so dumb it’s funny movies.

  • Roman Levin

    Holy shit, I watched this when I was a kid. And I remember some images so well I must have seen seen it several times.

  • hariman

    Well, that movie was idiotic. At least it’s over now.
    Also, I enjoyed the review, got a number of good laughs out of it (especially the text crawl at the end), and the stinger pretty cool too.

  • dragonfly82

    LMAO!! I used to love this movie as a kid, even back then I thought the plot/story/acting was a mess…

    Nice Conan reference at the end BTW.

  • Ian Fay

    Hey, what version of the Conan theme is that?

    I have both soundtracks and I don’t know this one.

    • taranaich

      It could be from the Prague re-recording done a year or so ago, which sounds different due to the greater number of instruments which weren’t available for the original score.

  • Tweedlebean

    No, see he couldn’t fire the crossbow because he was missing the two fingers the kid bit off. So he brought a weapon he hasn’t been able to use for years.

    • NeroAngelo

      that . . . was such awesome foreshadowing

    • The_Hyphenator

      Holy shit! That is simultaneously the best foreshadowing payoff and dumbest villain death I have ever seen!

    • Casey Williamson

      I’ll just use my rocket launcher… Oh $#&* I forgot I don’t have arms!!!

  • http://blip.tv/comicstripcritic Comic Strip Critic

    How long are you going to throw out storyline teasers before we hit a payoff? I want to know what’s going on!

  • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

    Son of Insano is back! I marked out right off the bat! Awww, I even liked his little noise of concern for Warrior missing everybody (except Hoke), and…the Santa Claus bit was consensual? Oh, shit, WELL…that sure makes me feel even more guilty about a certain drawing I did for the birthday of a female wrestling buddy of mine 3 years back, parodying that very incident and…oh god, you even mentioned the Liefeld body proportions in the video, wow, I feel awkward! Well, shall we move on to the movie itself, then?

    You know, there IS sure a lot of skin in this movie, idn’t there? It sure reminds me of my all-time favorite MST3K episode, Outlaw of Gor. Now, how was that one described again…ohhhh, riiiight!

    Ohhhhhhh, it’s breastakaboobical, chestakamammical, pendular globular fun!
    Fleshical-orbital, moundular-scoopular, RIGHTO, that’s the one! Ah, good stuff! And quite appropriate as well, considering the Werewolf tie-in…and REALLY fantastic timing, seeing as I recently purchased Gabriel Knight 2 from GOG, and right from the opening of the game, I just haaaaad to make the “I dunno, YOU had him last!” MST3K joke as soon as “werewolf” was mentioned. And now it’s come back to haunt me!

    Okay, ‘nuf joking: this was a strong, energetic video with great pacing with the humor! Every few moments there was something new to laugh at, and it really was a fun video and I’m very happy that the idea wasn’t scrapped. That’s the genuine energy and enthusiasm needed, and it’s good to see it played out like this.

    • Garmrspor

      Your mind is everywhere, isn’t it?

      • http://sbkmulletman.deviantart.com/ sbkMulletMan

        My mind is elsewhere. My body follows.

        • Garmrspor

          Fair enough, brother.

  • Carewolf

    Well done Spoony one. You won a full 3 points in this review, must better than Linkara’s average of 1. That just puts you at 5 this year and Linkara at 12. You need to release more videos if you want to beat him.

  • Shawdawg

    The main bad guy is also the main bad guy from Invasion USA. So, he gets his ass kicked by Chuck Norris and by the Barbarian Brothers. He was also a main bad guy in an Airwolf Episode, but didn’t die, but his character came back (and didn’t die again) but played by a different actor.

    Spoony, one movie you should review to pay homage to warrior is Firepower. Mainly cause he was one of the main bad guys in the movie. He and the main hero’s partner are more interesting than the main hero himself.

  • Nivmarx

    How do you find movies like that?! To be honest, most of the movies I’ve bought the last months were mostly B-movies you reviewed! Great review by the way.

    • Daniel Tilson

      He finds them because he’s in a lot of cults. ^_^

  • Tommy Rankin

    Damn this was some weird movie and I loved this review, it was hilarious

  • NeroAngelo

    another amazing review man

    I hate to ask, but do you think you’ll ever review the movie Firepower
    it starred the Warrior & I’ve heard that his parts are like really freaking awesome

  • PeaTearGryfin

    I tried that mating call myself… I’m writing this from the mental asylum.

    • Aluminum Foil

      Stay away from the skinny guy who rambles on constantly about his pet rat and has a fetish for gray pocket T’s. He’s nothing but trouble.

      • PeaTearGryfin

        I’m hanging out with the guy going on about pizza and taco salad.

    • Black Doug

      What you need to do is pair it with calling the girl a hot-pussied little whore. I hear it worked for the Cinema Snob.

  • Malidictus

    I like the after-credits scene. Goofy, yet touching at the same time. And is that the Mass Effect music?

    • Ed Matuskey

      I felt the same way!

  • Brian Arkle Webber

    You know, Spoony has made a lot of CSI Miami jokes (OK, the one joke over and over again) over the years, but I think this is the first time he’s reviewed something that had someone who was ON CSI Miami in it.

  • asnaes

    My parents video store had this movie. I knew about it before you did! :P

    I also have that Manowar cd. My mom actually asked if I was gay when she looked at it.

  • http://mara999.deviantart.com/ MaraBackman

    While this movie does beyond a doubt appear to be really, really bad and beyond redemption, I gotta say that some of the outfits would look pretty god in a much better made barbarian-movie. I’m actually getting in the mood to watch Conan the Barbarian and Beastmaster again. :)

  • André Duchesne

    there’s one thing all must remember about this movie : Eva Larue looks mighty fine in a fur bikini

  • b4betty

    Two THUNDERDOMES?! An awesome new sound to make before and after going into battle?! A hilarious movie made even more hilarious by the review?! A POSTER OF TALI!!!! AND THE SONG AT THE END!!!
    Could this be the most epic of reviews??!! SKRONK YEAH!!!!!

  • Groverfield

    No cameo for a demonstration of female barbarian durr-honking? A lot of people need to record themselves durr-honking and put it on youtube as “Barbarians Cry” like the “you okay lady” thing.

  • http://www.schadenfreudestudios.com/ Amesang

    So, summary of bad guy’s plan → “…when suddenly three wizards leap from the undergrowth brandishing quarterstaves and threatening challenges of death!”

  • Rakkrakk

    One of your funniest reviews yet.

    “DUUUURRRR!”

  • The_Nameless_One

    Hmmmm…. Rostov must’ve hit the skids after Chuck Norris blew him up in Invasion USA.

  • Jdgjordan

    Ok spoony you need to start paying off this big story that you keep teasing every end of video, seriously man Game of Thrones doesn’t even have this big of a long build up as you have made in your videos.

    • Serith

      It did take three seasons and two episodes for them to show what i’ve been waiting for since episode one. They kinda had build up for it in every episode.

  • Giant Metal Donkey Kong

    So, is “the rock” mentioned at the end of the Ultimate Warrior’s letter referring to the actual person “The Rock”, or is it referring to Meteor, which was visible from outside Spoony’s window at the end of one review but hasn’t been referenced since?

    I really hope that all of this foreshadowing comes to a head soon. It’s driving me nuts. Probably just leading up to a review of Final Fantasy XIII-2 though.

    • Daniel Tilson

      Probably Meteor.

      What possible reason would the person The Rock have for wanting to end the world? (Other than having to wear a tutu in the tooth fairy movie… That’s a pretty good reason… Even if he does have the legs for it.)

  • http://filmrunner.wordpress.com/ Film Runner

    Stop resisting and just embrace the gayness, Spoony! Maybe not the incest so much, though. Given that the bad guy only agreed to not kill the kids himself or have his men do it couldn’t he just order the woman he made this deal with to kill them? She’d still be under oath to do whatever he wants and it’s even more evil! Also technically a vasectomy is cutting the vas deferens leading from the testes to the urethra, what they were doing was closer to penile subincision (do not google that).

    • Garmrspor

      But… but… curiosity killed the cat.

      • Garmrspor

        Nevermmind. If anyone sees the video before reading this comment they’ll have to be fucking idiots to google that — or even to be curious.

  • oddtail

    The I-don’t-even-what-is-this sound they both make… all I could think of was the scene in Nostalgia Critic’s review of the Dungeons and Dragons movie, with the “all-quacking choir” of Darkheart from Care Bears and what’s-her-face chick and the dwarf from the D&D movie. It sounded a bit similar, I think.

  • Leto_Atreides

    This is one of those movies I have seen at the videostore but never dared renting. Thanks for the review.

    Spoony should do a “barbarian special”. Other than Beastmaster, Deathstalker, Yor and this piece of scrap, there are still many cheap Conan imitations out there.

  • Alex Stockwell

    The guy from Werewolf? Not “The guy from Scanner Cop” or “The guy from Puppetmaster III”?

    Also, your player still sucks.

    • SUPERSOUP

      Maybe the correct answer is ‘the internet bandwidth in your country/region sucks’?

      It works fine for me.

      • Alex Stockwell

        Nope, SUPERDOUCHE. Spoony’s the only one whose videos are this bad for me, and this only started when he began using this new player. Also, if you’ll look at previous comment sections, I’m not the only one having this problem. Maybe you just have low standards for “works fine”, as in “it didn’t cause my computer to Blue Screen of Death”.

        • SUPERSOUP

          I didn’t mean to cause offense. Bad bandwidth in a country/region is no one’s fault.

          And I know you aren’t the only one. A friend of mine has told me the same thing IRL.

          • Alex Stockwell

            Anyway, it can’t be the bandwidth, I live near Boston. Bandwidth issues tend to happen with people who live in remote areas.

          • Daniel Tilson

            Not always. But if you say it can’t be your bandwidth, let’s move on.

            I’ve never had a problem with any of his players. Have you tried switching browsers?

          • Alex Stockwell

            Again, Spoony’s the only one this happens, with, and it’s only been since he switched players. And I use Firefox. There’s no way in hell I’m even touching Internet Adware Magnet.

          • SUPERSOUP

            >internet adware magnet

            You mean Cream, the NSA’s cyberfuckbuddy and chosen browser of Ginger Baker?

            60% of Spoonbitch’s fanbase will need Wikipedia to understand that one.

          • Serith

            And the award for most pretentious comment of the week goes to…. SUPERSOUP

          • Daniel Tilson

            I’ve always used firefox and never had a problem.

            Could there be a setting you’ve changed (or not changed) that might be causing problems?

          • SUPERSOUP

            Seriously though, Murrica as a country has pretty shit bandwidth. It doesn’t necessarily matter where you live.

      • Atmos_Duality

        Definitely not bandwidth on my end.

        I’m watching this on a T-line connection (8MB up/downstream) and running the player at any setting will still randomly glitch, stutter or even outright die. Given that I don’t have this issue with literally any other embedded video player, I’m willing to say it’s definitely the player’s fault and not mine.

        As for others; it could be a local configuration or bandwidth. Case by case basis.

    • L1nk1

      Do you mean the player’s bug where it plays the same 0.5 s twice after pausing once or something like that? I’m sure it can’t be a connection problem nor hardware issue because the parts were already downloaded to the player and I can play 1080p just fine and this is 720p. So I don’t know what’s going on with that.

      I’m running on up to date Firefox 28.0 and the latest Adobe Flash Player 13.0.0.182. I’ve disabled hardware acceleration from the player settings.

      You can always try to lower the video quality if it helps.

  • Rick S

    19:11 How did Noah do that filter ?
    That is frikin’ awesome looking !

    • Aluminum Foil

      So… Alright, you’re not even addressing me so I’m butting in for no reason :D
      That said, I am kinda into visual stuff my self though my sphere of knowledge is centered around still photography and photo manipulation rather than video. So I’m by no means an expert, or even competent o/

      Anyway, it looks to me like a moderate “vignette” + messing with the saturation.
      I also kinda want to say there’s a mobile light source somewhere near the camera too.

  • Dan

    A mating call….if you’re a horny pack mule.

  • SUPERSOUP

    Meh.

    Would have been better if it was shorter. Cut out the painful storyline/Dr. Insano/Linkara-referencing shit and add in a few more jokes that are actually funny.

    Other than that, this is pretty much the sort of thing I’d like to see more of from good old Spoonman. I get the feeling April has been good for him.

    • MrMetFan69

      I absolutely agree however in his defense he has cut down on that shit considerably compared to the past where nearly half the review was skits.

    • Ross Gibson

      He would have, but it is impossible for spoony to post any video shorter than 15 minutes. This one being under 20 is a streach.

  • VonSarno

    all hail the lord of Tekkan

  • Ed Matuskey

    Ha–awesome! As for that kiss…what the…I don’t even…WHY?!

    Also, as dumb as it may sound, I found myself oddly moved by the final bit of “Warrior’s” note–“Time is running out. I will wrestle the Rock as long as I can.” I’ve always been a sucker for gestures of noble self-sacrifice. Also, “You have always been here” was just a little chilling. Well done, Spoony! I, personally, enjoy the slow burn your grand meta-story has been giving us–take your time getting to the end!

    • NeroAngelo

      he foreshadowed it well. dude’s been to space & partnered with a badass god that wanted to save Noah
      makes sense that he’d be on the same side as him

  • Jerry Forbe

    Spoony’s reaction to the kiss was priceless XD

    • Daniel Tilson

      Seemed a bit forced to me… I mean.. He ate the takoyaki bun! Two bodybuilders making out can’t possibly be worse than that!

      • The Janitor

        Two bodybuilders who are also brothers.

        • Daniel Tilson

          So? I think dead monkey asshole lookalike bun trumps incestuous make-out sessions on the gross-o-meter.

      • Nick Nordin

        They’re brothers. Both in the film and in real life.

      • Jerry Forbe

        Two big, muscle-y, steroid abusing, sexy men who are brothers, naked sitting in the cold kissing and sweating isn’t a bit disgusting? Say what you want about being open minded but if you’re a straight male that isn’t exactly the sight ya wanna see, ya know?

        • Daniel Tilson

          Not naked, just barely clothed.

          It doesn’t matter if it’s what you want to see. All I said is that it couldn’t possibly be worst than the crap he’s eaten in the videos with April, and those haven’t made him puke yet. So his reaction makes little sense to me.

          • Jerry Forbe

            You left the part out where they started doing several women in the same room as their brother, in front of someone who is basically her mother.

            I don’t watch the food videos with April, though.

          • Daniel Tilson

            Still not as gross looking as the Takoyaki bun thing.

            Nor as gross sounding as the Kimchee soda he drank in the previous video.

          • Jerry Forbe

            well, i liked it, that’s all i can say. :)

  • Black Doug

    Wurwilf is my favorite MST3K episode of all time, so the numerous call-backs were greatly appreciated. It needed a bit more of Sam the Keeper though.

  • cklambo

    Mumra T-Shirt?

    • Nick Nordin

      It’s the symbol for Thulsa Doom’s snake cult (Conan film mythos). Mumm ra’s symbol lacks the cresting sun and loops as the two snakes meet.

  • NeroAngelo

    well . . . Linkara just got Thunderdome’d

    • Svart Fra Sor

      And Ric Flair’d

    • Toby Teh

      You mean ThunderdOWNed

    • Cameron Vale

      Beyond, even.

  • johnnybrunoise

    “do more counter monkey”…. man, he really was crazy.

    • Daniel Tilson

      I like counter monkey.

      • johnnybrunoise

        … sorry to hear that.

      • johnnybrunoise

        … I don’t heed the words of crazy men, crazy man.

        • Daniel Tilson

          Oh, but you do… Everyone does…. Everyone in the world is crazy. EVERYONE!

          • johnnybrunoise

            Not really. I know I’m not. I don’t like counter monkey, I like good things.

          • Daniel Tilson

            Beware the one who believes he is sane, for he is often the craziest of them all.

          • johnnybrunoise

            …said the crazy guy…

          • Daniel Tilson

            Ah, but I am the one who admits he is crazy. Thus, while I may be crazy, you are far crazier, for you do not understand your own craziness.

          • johnnybrunoise

            I still don’t heed your words crazy man. You see you’re crazy because you keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. Also you like counter monkey.

          • johnnybrunoise

            I’m still not heeding your words, because you’re crazy. The truly crazy does the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Plus you like counter monkey, crazy man.

  • Svart Fra Sor

    5:31 That pale mother fucker was the principle in Motley Crue’s Smokin’ in the Boys Room music video!

  • Maria White

    … I liked that guy…. *gets stabbed*

    Also, HIS NAME IS DAMODAR YOU ILLITERATE SWINE!

    • Serith

      For starters, there is no need for such hostilities when a simple correction would have sufficed.
      I care little about the character and have not seen or done anything with that movie in years so it is to little surprise that i would spell his name wrong. I do realize that i could have googled it but i did not care enough to do so.

      • Maria White

        Dude, its more funny with the hostile. Don’t you ever internet?

        • Serith

          Yes, i do use the internet. That doesn’t mean i need to be like everyone else on the internet and be incredibly hostile about everything even when there is no reason for it. I will point out that your calling me illiterate has back fired with that comment. Now if you don’t mind i would like to end this discussion.

          • Maria White

            Dude, chill out. Here, smoke some pan. *hands you a cast iron pan* Its the best stuff.

  • guingnmov

    Noah, please, check out “Barbarian” (2003), the russian-american spiritual sequel to the glorious Deathstalker series.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0358376/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2

    • http://www.mygeekygeekyways.com Starman

      If by sequel, you mean “low budget remake that is padded out with footage from the original”.

      Seriously. Barbarian is like a shot-for-shot remake of Deathstalker.

      • doresh

        Still better than having it be grim, gritty and super serious :3

      • guingnmov

        “low budget remake that is padded out with footage from the original”
        completely accurate description of Deathstalker 2, 3 and 4
        ok

        • http://www.mygeekygeekyways.com Starman

          The fourth one, yes. It’s totally a rehash of the plot from the first one, with footage from 1, 2 and 3 as well as the Barbarian Queen movies.

          Second one had some stock footage, but that was added in post, without the director’s permission.
          Third one, apart from a few establishing shots of the castle (which I think came from even older Roger Corman movies) was original. Unfortunately.

  • draxo

    Who thought the sound of a donkey was impressive?

  • N7Vakarian

    Great little tribute at the start there

  • The Janitor

    And now for the seven hour long discussion of what the ending seconds mean.

  • John Shepard

    What kind of fucked up movie is this?
    I am speechless……

    • Daniel Tilson

      I’ve seen pornos that showed less skin.

      Not saying that’s a bad thing. Just stating a fact.

  • Stephen Mc Devitt

    Well that was pretty traumatising but hey, why not a bit further for the barbarian bros to bone each other.

  • Zer0FiveSeven

    I love the special occasion when I stop by this site and there’s a new movie review up. Thank you, Spoony.

  • MacNillus

    They sound like a fucking moose.

    • ftidus12

      My thoughts exactly.

    • Daniel Tilson

      A fucking moose, or a moose fucking?

      • MacNillus

        A fucking moose. Now I need brain bleach for the image of Moose fucking.

        • Daniel Tilson

          You’re welcome.

  • ftidus12

    Scary fact? These guys would be the SMARTEST two Barbarians I’ve ever had in an RPG.

    *Hanging/moose call scenes play*

    …yep. Even considering that.

    • Daniel Tilson

      They even got the “We’re sneaking into a place.. Oh shit a guard- MAKEOUT!” spot right. ^_^

      It’s surprising how few people think of that one anymore..

      Get caught in the treasure room? Start making out and hope they buy the “Gold makes him/her hot.” story.

      • ftidus12

        Yeah…..I’m yet to see one of my players try that one (though to be fair, we did have a Monk attempt to fling gold bricks as improvised weapons….to little effect, but at least she tried).

  • Toby Teh

    Pretty sure The Barbarians are the offspring of WARRIOR. They’re jetjacked, they skronk, and their macking out was the cause of Warrior’s hatred of the gayness.

  • Will

    I was so excited when I saw that the twins who star in this movie (real names Peter and David Paul), were the same guys who star in one of the FUNNIEST bad movies I have ever seen, Double Trouble:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104135/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_6

    It is one of the best worst movies of all time, a Lethal Weapon (or perhaps I should say Double Impact?) style cliche-transcending buddy cop movie, which somehow co-stars Roddy McDowall, David Carradine, James (“Scotty”) Doohan, and Billy Mumy from Lost in Space and the Twilight Zone. Everything in this movie is totally insane. The wardrobe choices alone will have you cracking up. Now I’m seriously interested in tracking down their other movies, however few there might be….

    • ftidus12

      So…much….awesome. Thanks Will!

    • http://dumdoi.com/klarden/ Kain Klarden

      I’m pretty sure, that you can say “Bill Mumy from Babylon 5″ and Noah will get it even faster:D

  • MisterMars

    And here I thought you couldn’t be more awesome.
    But you think Manowar is awesome regardless of their overtones, too.

  • Sieg Fried

    Is the bad guy a crossbreed between Rutger Hauer in “Ladyhawke” and David Bowie in “Labyrinth”?

  • outsiderMiracles

    ALL THE HOMO!!!!!

  • hwalsh

    The Spoony has returned! This is amazing!

  • KatKaleen

    That does NOT count as projectile vomiting. Close, but no cigar.
    Also, isn’t it nice that this horrible, draconian dictator doesn’t object to homosexuality? He makes the law, after all, and apparently there isn’t one against gayness. Because I don’t think that guard is blind… and NOBODY with any trace of eyesight would think one of those guys is a woman.

    • doresh

      That’s actually not surprising. People were rather open about that in ancient times, and these sword and sorcery tales with barbarians are usually set in something that’s supposed to be even older (the Hyborian Age is set after the fall of Atlantis and thousands of years before most events from the bible)

      • ftidus12

        Greeks and Romans? “Open”?

        Only if you were a younger man with a older dude AND only as a sexual act devoid of emotional connection (and ONLY if the older man did the penetrating…the opposite was seen as so disgusting that merely the accusation would lead to public beatings and the source of the word ‘pathetic’ was used as the social brand on such a male). The second you send that guy a love letter or made romantic gestures, they’d kill you (poor Lycous was ripped apart by the Spartans for kissing his lover in public).

        …and women? Not even an option. Hence the legacy of secret love poetry started by Sappho of Lesbos.

        The Romans? Cast such individuals into pits with sliced tendons to be rended apart by wild beasts.

        Far from open, people were douchebags in ancient times too.

        My guess? The guard did not want to have the stuffing knocked out of him two large men for ‘interrupting’ them.

        • doresh

          Well, the Romans did have transvestites. Castrated transvestites, but still. And same-sex relationships were in fact tolerated – as long as the dominant dude was a proper Roman citizen and the other dude some lower status scum.

          Of course they weren’t as open as today’s standards. After all, they also managed to have democracy and lots of slaves and other “lesser” people. That’s just how they rolled.

          I’m curious how the real “barbarians” handled this, though there isn’t much about them other than Greek and Roman historians, whose observations are sometimes a bit “creative”.

          • ftidus12

            “Well, the Romans did have transvestites. Castrated transvestites, but still.”

            Which were used as either sources of mockery or as entertainment. They were not seen as people…just walking punchlines. If the Romans sent a ‘painted man’ to ‘negotiate’ with you, it meant that they were laughing at you and were probably going to just stomp your tribe flat (it is rumored that such a “joke” may have triggered the Vandal invasions by helping to unite several warring bands into a powerful raiding army that were tired of being trolled).

            “And same-sex relationships were in fact tolerated – as long as the
            dominant dude was a proper Roman citizen and the other dude some lower
            status scum.”

            Only between master and slave and as long as they did not show ANY signs of affection. Remember: these were still seen as sexual acts in heterosexual relationships.

            So no, homosexual relationships were not ‘tolerated’, in fact it pissed them off to the point that massive volumes were written extolling the virtues of men who ‘preserved their masculinity’ by breaking the necks of ‘over amorous slaves’ and ‘soft men’ (I shit you not, read some of the histories of Herodian and Cassius Dio guffawing over the Praetorian Guard torturing and killing Emperor Elagabalus for ,among many things, the mere accusation that he might be into dudes romantically.).

            So as you can see, no they were not “open”. In fact, they were real pricks to LGBTs.

            “I’m curious how the real “barbarians” handled this….”

            In a word? Complicated.

            It seems to change depending on whose telling the story and when. But for the most part? Still not pleasant (though they tended to ease off during times of war, what with the whole ‘bigger fish to fry’ idea).

            For a clearer picture of how complicated it can get (and to get a better picture of the germanic barbarians), I suggest Kershaw’s “The One Eyed God”.

            (It is a history book. Relax. Odin? One eyed? Remember?)

          • doresh

            Ancient culture takes some getting used to in order to figure out the finer details XD

          • ftidus12

            This is true. Human culture in general takes some getting used to. That’s why I prefer Dalek culture. You wouldn’t know by looking at ‘em, but their poetry is excellent.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sn-jp9cwn84

          • doresh

            I prefer Vogon poetry. It’s more vivid.

  • Goblin_King

    I was going to say “isn’t vomiting at the site of 2 guys kissing a little old?” then I remembered they where brothers and thought ‘maybe that’s what it was for’.

    • Daniel Tilson

      Even remembering that they’re brothers can’t possibly make it more disgusting than the Takoyaki roll, which was described as looking like a dead monkey’s asshole.

      If he can eat THAT without puking, then the reaction in this video is way too forced.

    • http://spoonyexperiment.com The Spoony One

      It’s because they’re brothers.

    • Truaaaa

      “isn’t kvomiting at the site of 2 guys kissing a little old?”

      Um no what has changed ?

      • Goblin_King

        Your point is retarded

    • ftidus12

      Consider the following:

      1. Brothers.

      2. They bray like jackasses (and probably smell the same).

      • Goblin_King

        1. I did remember that bit

        2. I don’t know what bray is

        • ftidus12

          “Braying” is the sound donkeys make. Horses neigh, donkeys bray.

          ….and no, I don’t give a shit what the fox says. The fox has the right to remain silent.

    • gallowsCalibrator413

      Warm, gross, sweaty, under-dressed BROTHERS who have so little intellect they probably stink to high heaven, making out with each other and possibly even *screwin* each other along with the females in that confused pile of harem ladies. While braying like some unholy combination of a donkey and a howler monkey. I’d probably be sick too, if I let myself think of this for more than a few seconds!

      • Goblin_King

        Just out of curiosity, how far into my post did you actually get before posting?

        • gallowsCalibrator413

          I’m sorry. Looking back over this I think I may have commented on your comment by mistake, while trying to get at someone else’s… I wasn’t really feeling well when I posted that. Still just confused.

  • Jim Rice

    I still fail to see how any of this had anything to do with the Ultimate warrior other than it being something I could see him rant about b4 a wrestling match funny review though.

    • Daniel Tilson

      Spoony was originally going to do this review as his ultimate warrior character, but with Warrior’s actual death a day before he planned to film, Spoony thought this would be in bad taste.

      Presumably, the similarity in size and “fashion” sense is what lead him to think doing the review as the Spoony Warrior would have been good in the first place.

      Personally? I think anything done with the character would be good… but yea, too soon!

    • http://www.mygeekygeekyways.com Starman

      Apart from the obvious comparisons between The Warrior’s SKRONK and… whatever the hell that noise the Barbarian Brothers make is?

  • gotrek44 .

    This looks like something Troma would make, except ya know…more insane.
    10:15=new ring tone.

  • Chen

    yes more counter monkey :)

  • Chen

    yay counter monkey

  • MayMay

    … I’m a bit of a loser seeing as I immediately recognized the persona4 music when the poster was shown…

    • doresh

      No. This just means you have good taste in music.

      • Nivmarx

        … And in video games.

  • Hath

    Nice Rick Flair impression. XD

    • Treason

      WOOOOOOOOO!

  • Travoltron

    Oh my God, flashbacks. I remember around sixth grade, a clique of proto-musclehead boys making this obnoxious braying jackass sound. That would have been exactly the time this movie came out. I thought they were retarded or something. All these years later, and I finally know what they were referencing.
    I can’t believe those kids actually thought that was cool and wanted to emulate it.

    • Goblin_King

      So they where retarded then?

  • ChrisDV

    So you’ve replaced the Gunblade with the Build-a-Sword (I don’t remember the actual name) from Advent Children.

  • Cameron Vale

    You must have heard of the Barbarian Brothers. If I’ve heard of them, then you definitely have.

  • Aaron Kerr

    The villain forgets he doesn’t have fingers? Seriously?! No movie; no matter how much glorious man-ass you contain that is never cool! Hasn’t had a right hand for ten years and tries to pull a trigger, fuck off.

    • endplanets

      Is that what happened? Imma shoot you with my crossbow, now to use my right hand’s fingers to pull the trigger and oh shit, I forgot, it was bitten off early on. What a lame call back.
      Very few, including myself and Spoony, saw that because its so abusively dumb. Just your middle finger bad guy.

  • Jason Robins

    Way to use the homoeroticism music from Persona 4. That actually caught me off guard.

  • GiftoftheMagi

    Gods, it’s been years since I saw this film. Yes, it’s a complete joke of a film. These two buffoons made about a dozen D-grade movies together (real life twin brothers Peter and David Paul), and today they work as physical trainers. Terrible actors, but so over the top that yes they had a fan base. Their fame started when a slew of low-grade, low-budget fantasy films were hitting the video market after the successes of the Conan series. I kinda liked this film, simply because it seemed to know it was shit and just went with it.

  • Godmars

    Speaking of over used music, wonder if Spoony ever considers reviewing Mass Effect?

    • endplanets

      He did a video a long time ago about the ending to ME3. It was shuffled off to some weird area. The vid was him talking to fans about how the ending wasn’t that bad, but it was really weird.
      I worked at a grocery store and we had a happy customer who liked to joke with us. Then one day something bad happened, like his son was died/got hurt really bad and he would randomly angry and upset at the workers. It was out of character for him and he seemed to want to pick fights and antagonize others. Not for laughs, but out of some weird desperation. Anyway, that is how Spoony was acting in that vid. Some people might remember it and as such a full on review would be interesting for those who saw the vid.
      But then again he did reference the ME3 ending in the Ultima review so whatever.

      • Octo Seven

        I thought less of him that day.

    • CrystalGamma .

      Maybe they fuck up ME4 so badly that it becomes a candidate for a Spoony review :D

  • http://www.mygeekygeekyways.com Starman

    An awesome review for one of my favorite classic bad movies. I especially liked your pointing out that the villain was Lawful Stupid Evil in regards to his promise not to kill the kids.

    One thing I’m surprised you didn’t comment on – how the opening fight scene is pretty much a confirmation that no matter how creative you get with perform checks in a fight, bards still suck.

    • likalaruku

      Unless you’re a bard in an MMORPG where ALL classes are solo-friendly.

  • endplanets

    The reason the screenwriters made the crossbow fail is because they are untrustworthy just like women or beasts.
    BUT THIS, THIS SWORD, THIS YOU CAN TRUST. As a throwing weapon.

    • doresh

      I’m a bit dissapointed the dude was no wizard or something. Those are usually evil in sword and sorcery. Definitely helps if you’re up against one or two muscle golems.

  • http://www.fanfiction.net/u/597550/Abicion Abicion

    oh my god IT’S THAT SERAH FAN ART POSTER IN THE BACKGROUND AGAIN.

  • rageofkyubii

    Oh my god…the crossbow wasn’t broken at all. He wasn’t able to fire it because THE DUDE FORGOT HIS FINGERS WERE BITTEN OFF

    • doresh

      You’d think he would’ve come to terms with that during all of those 10+ years.

      • rageofkyubii

        You’d think he would have NOTICED by now.

  • doresh

    I remember “Clowns versus Evil” being much better when it involved Eldar Harlequins dismembering Chaos Space Marines.

    • GiftoftheMagi

      One Solitaire vs. Abaddon and the entire Black Legion = A bunch of dead Chaos worshippers.

  • Fiery891 .

    What do you call the sound they made? Skronk version 2? It was definately similar but still weirdly different.

  • Nash Knight

    This was amazing but I feel like it could’ve been linger, this film certainly doesn’t lack material.

  • SR

    Well, THAT happened.Didn’t think the movie would happen, but here we are XD

  • ta_scott

    That’s Richard Lynch, serial antagonist in nearly every film he’s in including Invasion USA and The Sword and the Sorcerer (with Reb Brown in that).

  • Christian Bonde Andersen

    Fantastic review. You are one of the few reviewers/comedians that consistently make me laugh. I completely lost it when the two monsterous dudes suddenly started kissing.

  • http://www.edinburghcomputerrepairs.co.uk NoviceTechie

    Doctor Insano’s gaydar is going off the charts!
    I burst out laughing every 15 secs.

  • Craig Whitehouse

    Easily the best video yet. I’m in tears with laughter.

  • Steve-o Anders

    I think the crossbow didn’t work because of his missing fingers. He was going for the trigger but they’d bitten them off.

    • Yvo

      Yeah, you’re right. But that in itself is even more retarded. This bad guy had his fingers bitten off at least 15 years ago, yet apparently forgot when he elected to carry a crossbow. You’d think after so long of not having fingers, a guy who is obviously a semi proficient horseback knife fighter would know he needs to use his other hand to shoot his crossbow he is carrying around.

      • likalaruku

        Curses! I had 15 years to learn how to become left-handed, & I wasted it all on hookers & booze!

      • Steve-o Anders

        Oh I couldn’t agree more. 15 odd years and you haven’t realized you’re missing some fingers?! Really. Does he go to scratch his nose and go “Oh what a fool” as the Price is Right fail sounds plays? What a kookie villain. Yeah, lame. Review is great though— Spoony throwing up really slayed me.

      • DasBass

        Maybe he had a phantom limb…or maybe they didn’t think this part out and just wrote “his crossbow does not fire because…we said so.”

  • likalaruku

    ::Spits coffee:: This is the Conan ripoff I’ve been looking for since 1990! 。・゚゚・(>д<)・゚゚・。

  • babea44713

    For a second there I thought Spoony was gonna shit in Linkara’s hat.. :P

  • Kostantine

    Oh My God I had seen this movie on TV when I was 12 years old!

    And I remember thinking the entire time ‘When is Schwartzenegger going to show up? What’s taking him so long?”

  • NeroAngelo

    I have to ask, what IS that lightning thing that Insano wears?

    Like, I want to try and buy one

  • MrRuse

    “I’m in a lot of cults.”

    Ooh, what kind? Archdevils? Demon Lords? The Fey Courts? Outer Realm beings? An Elder Evil? The Elemental Eye?

    It’s the Elemental Eye, isn’t it? You kind of strike me as the kind of guy who’d hatefuck reality to death.

  • http://jesse-dylan.livejournal.com Jesse_Dylan

    What was that song at the beginning? I think it’s a piano arrangement of a song from a game, and it’s gonna drive me crazy until I remember where it’s from. The dang credits don’t say.

  • http://theinsaneartist.deviantart.com/ theInsaneArtist

    Okay… that ending… at the very end… *cries silent tears*

  • Wildcard

    Wow, that cover. Beefcake huh? Who wants to bet they just bought the rights to a romance novel cover and based a movie around that?

  • Joseph Raymond Ortiz

    “The Naboo Carnies”? Sounds like a shitty Blitzball team hahah.

    • ShadowLink108

      I think we found a team name dumber than the “Luca Goers”

  • Zack_Dolan

    Holy mary mother of god….i never thought i’d see THIS movie again. i spent years trying to even remember what it was called….imagine my disappointment to learn that it had the most dirt simple title in all of existence. it is literally one rung on the generic ladder above “those dudes: the movie”.

    Also, it’s great to see you back at the top of your game spoony. videos coming out regularly, and all of fantastic quality. this last 6 months to a year has been some of your best work since the beginning. You really got your shit together and rose back to the top of the heap again, man. you in fact did, become king by your own hand, sir. Well done.

    P.P.P.P.P.S.
    We will miss you Warrior. SKRONK!!!!

  • Picard1701

    That was funy review! Guy who look like Queen Amidala and escaping hanging by burping make me thing that even I could make a better movie – who is coming up with this stuff? And two brothers… and I think that Luke and Leia kissing each other was disturbing and awkward.

    • Rakkrakk

      With Luke and Leia it’s more of a hindsight disturbance. These two are fully aware that they are brothers.

      • Robert

        “i know, somehow ive always known”

        • Rakkrakk

          That’s what we call a “retcon”. Look it up.

          • Robert

            aye but still funny :) sorry if i came across as stepping on your toes

    • Nechljudow

      Said the guy who wanted to hump the doctor which husband he send to death.

  • Wasperheimer

    Finally, a way to Spoony fans to identify themselves in the public; just bellow “HUUUUUUU!!” and wait for an answer.

  • Strelnikov

    Nobody mentioned that the guy with the horn headband was Michael Berryman, from the original `77 “The Hills have Eyes.”

    His “name” in “The Barbarians” was “Dirtmaster.”

  • Svetoslav Savov

    everyone was making fun of him now everyone will miss him ! o_o just like Michael Jackson

  • http://thatpandabitca.tumblr.com/ thatpandabitca

    Aw Spoony I missed you. You got me through some tough times. Though I doubt you will ever see this, I just wanted you to know. So thanks, dear Spoony.

  • DrForrester

    Man, what a weird one this was. I’m not sure if that eyebrowed dick dragon was supposed to be scary or just goofy. And I also get this strange feeling that the Barbarian brothers act (acted) this way in real life too. They were pretty perfectly cast though, I’ll give the movie that

  • Joseph Raymond Ortiz

    Salad Jelly next!

  • Jake Hahn

    too funny- especially the reactions to the barbarians making out, then the sex scene, on top of that. seriously, gets funnier every episode.
    it’s like “and this story shall also be told”, I’m all like “it fuckin better be…” lol

  • dream_asylum

    I wonder now, years into the experiment, if the Spoony One ever actually left the blag howle. Is he an insane man, or is he a sane man fighting for his soul?

    What dark, eldritch force schlocks its way towards his medulla oblongata? Tune in, Spoony-friends. Same Spoony time, same spoony channel. Or, was it tomorrow? Perhaps, was it yesterday. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

    • NeroAngelo

      oh, that’s easy
      it’s linkara still uploading the new personality into a clone

      F*CKING WINDOWS VISTA

  • http://nathanhawks.us/ Nathan Hawks

    Here I am having this completely Mass Effect obsessed day, and then this ending happens.

  • Mount C

    I believe a lump of hard piss is what happens when yellow snow gets molded.

    • Lark Druid

      He said lump of HOG piss though. Not HARD piss.

      • Brett

        The same answer still applies. Just that now it has to specifically be a swine that makes the yellow snow.

  • Runya EithelNar

    Nice pronunciation of “kurczak” [chicken in polish :P ] in 19:36 :D

  • bonehamster

    The barbarian brothers were in that movie, “D.C. Cab” with Mr. T.

  • bonehamster

    That was when I had first heard of them anyway. I remember my dad blew my seven year old mind when he told me that they weren’t really brothers.

  • Groverfield

    Has anyone commented on how the gaydar is just an alarm clock?

  • valou999

    A though occured to me… Wasn’t Warrior a red Lantern in a previous video? Yeah, me trying to make sense of Spoony’s continuity, good luck with that right?

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