Here you'll find the complete Review Index. Enjoy!
Director: Katsuhiro Ôtomo Starring: Mitsuo Iwata, Nozomu Sasaki, Mami Koyama Synopsis: Can you believe the commercials had the balls to call this movie "Better than Blade Runner?" All I see is a bunch of flesh, bodily fluids, and psychic Smurfs. In other words, probably one of the best movies to watch stoned. Oh, and Tokyo blows up. Twice. It's time to take a hatchet to this so-called cyberpunk masterpiece.
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Director: Jean-Pierre Jeunet Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman Synopsis: You know what I love most about Alien Resurrection? The fact that Joss Whedon wrote this ass-smelling, dick-licking, cock-cheese of a movie, and there's nothing you can say or do that'll change it. All you assholes who think Joss Whedon's shit don't stink, who jerk off to Summer Glau fake Photoshopped nudes, none of you can escape this steaming turd. Now J. Michael Straczynski, there's a guy who never wrote anything bad in his life!
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Director: Uwe Boll Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff Synopsis: It's bad. It's not gloriously bad, or hilariously bad, or MST3K bad. Everything, everything about this movie is an example of stupidity and wrongness on a Biblical scale. It is, quite simply, the anti-goodness. This movie strangles puppies while finger-banging dead altar boys in the asshole. I have never witnessed a movie so evil, so foul, so mishandled on every conceivable level from concept to completion.
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Director: Luis Llosa Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight Synopsis: It all had to start somewhere, and I'm not just talking about J-Lo's reign of terror. Before marketing geniuses came up with Snakes on a Plane, there was Anaconda, a fairly accurate travelogue of the Amazon river basin. It's got Ice Cube and penis parasites. What's not to love?
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Director: Paul W.S. Anderson Starring: Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova, Lance Henriksen Synopsis: Anyone who thought this movie would be anything other than a complete train wreck was blessed with a remarkable talent for self-deception. Aliens AND Predators? How could this movie possibly suck? Well, just about every way possible.
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Director: J. Michael Straczynski Starring: Bruce Boxleitner, Tracy Scoggins Synopsis: The Lost Tales is a little hard to describe. It's JMS's way of developing a new series without actually calling it a series, because the networks still own the rights to the television show, but not the motion picture rights. The general premise is that this disc (subtitled Voices in the Dark) is the first in an anthology, each with a theme, each with character-driven episodes that tend to focus on what's happened to each individual cast member ten years after the conclusion of the television series.
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Director: Starring: Edward James Olmos, Mary McDonnell, Jamie Bamber TELEVISION REVIEW! Synopsis: After the nerdgasm of Galactica's return passed, I began to see that the re-invisioning of the 70s sci-fi series is a poorly-written, sloppily-edited waste of time with just as much blatant titillation as Enterprise had at its worst, populated by some of the most annoying, ineffectual characters I've ever seen. But Olmos is still awesome.
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Director: Siu-Tung Ching Starring: Steven Seagal Synopsis: The first Steven Seagal movie to ever be reviewed in The Spoony Experiment, this film contains what I believe to be one of the greatest, most hilarious action sequences ever committed to film. Read on, and witness with awe the power of Seagal's pimp-hand.
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Director: Ridley Scott Starring: Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Sean Young Synopsis: Blade Runner is very special to me because it does three of my favorite things: it engenders fierce, unflagging fan loyalty; it is the subject of ceaseless, fruitless, hilarious Internet-wide debate; and it is also Not Very Good. That look on your face? That bewildered expression that's slowly twisting into a mask of rage? It just...oooh, puts a tingle in me to imagine it. Especially over Blade Runner. I've known nerds who would stab a man for far, far less insult. Sharpen your knives, fanboys!
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Director: Uwe Boll Starring: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley Synopsis: Uwe Boll is back with a movie that nobody watched based on a game that nobody played. It's the comedy of the year, but that's not really what he was going for. Still, it's got boobs and Meat Loaf in it. Boobs other than Meat Loaf's, I mean.
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Director: Dr. Uwe Boll Starring: Natassia Malthe Synopsis: This movie, subtitled Deliverance (because the first thing people need to be reminded of when seeing the cover of a Uwe Boll movie is painful hillbilly anal rape), is a direct-to-video release. That's right; it's a Boll movie that wasn't good enough to get a theatrical release. Holy crap. Even weirder is that this movie has a guy who looks remarkably like Zap Rowsdower from The Final Sacrifice. And seeing as how this is Canada, if Bloodrayne 2 really were a sequel involving Rowsdower, it would be the greatest movie ever filmed. I'm just saying. In a world fraught with danger the world needs that big chunky mullet-rocking alcoholic in a beat-up truck more than ever. You get me the money, I can have a script written in two days!
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Director: Starring: Comic Book Review! Synopsis: Among the many extras on the DVD of Bloodrayne 2 (by far one of the most anticipated movies of the year), aside form the usual bevvy of deleted scenes and director's commentary, was something I'd never seen as a DVD extra before: a complete scanned Boobrayne comic. I was excited to see this, because even though I'm a comic book fan I've never bothered collecting this series. I'm uh, waiting for the trade paperbacks. Yeah, that's it. I was too busy thumbing through copies of Dark Xena, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, and Tarot to notice poor old Bloodrayne. But hey, you have to figure that if they want to push the comic book they're going to put the best one on the DVD, right? The sad thing is, they probably did.
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Director: Starring: A special Star Wars bitchslap! Synopsis: Okay, so it's not a movie. But I've got a bone to pick with fanboy icon Boba Fett, and you're gonna sit here and read my bone!
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Director: Eli Roth Starring: Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, James DeBello Synopsis: The kids in this movie are so stupid, they don't even need a machete-wielding Jason Voorhees; they're their own biggest dangers. Just goes to remind you that wherever you go on vacation, don't drink the water. Although I'm pretty sure 3 days of nothing-but-beer is ill-advised, too.
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Director: Terry Cunningham Starring: Nick Cornish, Bai Ling, Adrian Paul Synopsis: Adrian Paul branches out from butchering a Scottish accent in Highlander in this 2002 hacker flick about spy intrigue in a virtual-reality MMOFPS. When your film is a bad eXistenZ knockoff and you've got Coolio AND Tone Loc, you know that hilarity will ensue.
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Director: Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger Synopsis: For me, Conan is the man who defines epic fantasy. It ranks right up there with Tolkien as a major artistic influence on everything swords-and-sorcery from illustrations to fiction to movies. He’s the man who epitomizes the Hackmaster lifestyle, the walking definition of hack-and-slash and the gold standard for badassery. And there’s even a little something for d20 System fans to love in Conan. After all, he’s the original multiclasser. I can’t even begin to list all the different class levels Conan took in his decades of adventure: barbarian, thief, assassin, fighter, gladiator, pirate…was there anything Conan couldn’t do?
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Director: Starring: Series Retrospective Synopsis: Let's take a look back on the most emo of movie series, full of wangst, leather, and music by The Cure. I do it all for YOUUU!!
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Director: Renny Harlin Starring: Geena Davis, Matthew Modine, Frank Langella Synopsis: This could be the loudest, dumbest, most carelessly-assembled motion picture I've ever witnessed. Don't believe me? It held the world record for being the biggest box office bomb ever for six years. It's a pirate movie so bad, it should be rated ARRRR!!
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Director: Hideo Nakata Starring: Hitomi Kuroki, Mirei Oguchi, Fumiyo Kohinata Synopsis: A single mom and her kid move into a cheap apartment only to find that it's haunted by a ghost whose only real power is to teleport lunchboxes and to cause water damage to the ceiling. Annoying, certainly, but if it's rent-controlled I'll cope.
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Director: Andrzej Bartkowiak Starring: The Rock, Karl Urban, Rosamund Pike Synopsis: The game DOOM can be summed up in three words: Marines, Mars, Demons. And they SCREWED UP two of the three! I smell what The Rock is cookin' all right.
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Director: Starring: VIDEO GAME REVIEW! Synopsis: One of the most hyped, and consequently overrated games of the year, playing DOOM 3 can be best summarized as being about as fun as that kid who tapped you on the shoulder from behind and pretended it wasn't him when you turned around. Only he did it about three hundred times a day.
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Director: James Yukich Starring: Mark Dacascos, Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, The Party of Five Guy Synopsis: "I hate no man on this planet more than I hate Andy Dick. For some reason, the very sight of that man makes me want to kill the firstborn child of every family on the planet. There's just something about his weaselly, gangly scarecrow-looking, nasal-voiced, stupid-haired presence that makes me want to scoop his eyes out with a melon-baller and skullfuck him to death on national TV while screaming I DO THIS FOR YOU, PHIL HARTMAN! FOR YOU'!"
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Director: Dave Allen, Charles Band, John Carl Buechler, Steven Ford, Peter Manoogian, Ted Nicolaou, Rosemarie Turko Starring: Jeffrey Byron, Richard Moll Synopsis: The Dungeonmaster is essentially a Tron rip-off with seven-- yes, seven directors. It has nothing to do with swords or sorcery, no princesses or warriors, just a lot of bad costumes and an irrational hatred of little people. There's not a single sword to be found in the whole movie. Heck, there aren't even any dungeons in it. And it's bad.
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Director: Courtney Solomon Starring: Jeremy Irons, Justin Whalin, Marlon Wayans, Bruce Payne, Thora Birch Synopsis: Probably the film that started it all for me. This movie broke my mind in a way that can never be repaired. It made me hate movies, and people, and life. And it also brought us Elwood the Dwarf.
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Director: Stefen Fangmeier Starring: Ed Speelers, Jeremy Irons, John Malkovich Synopsis: Eragon is, bar none, the most complete and shameless rip-off of Star Wars ever xeroxed. Not even Turkish Star Wars stole as brazenly from the dang series. I mean, sure, they stole X-Wing battle footage, but at least they still managed to come up with somewhat original characters. You read that correctly: Eragon is a worse movie than Turkish Star Wars, a film that features a guy wearing golden gloves machine-gun punching Robbie the Robot to the heroic strains of the Indiana Jones theme, then feeds a man in a bright red gorilla suit his own leg.
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Director: Toshiharu Ikeda Starring: Miyuki Ono Synopsis: Can you guys believe how low I've sunk? I'm recapping a movie where an aborted demon foetus is strangling a retarded woman with his own prehensile Doom Cock while his conjoined mutant brother who looks like Johnny Cash is trying to stuff him back in his abdomen.
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Director: Tim Story Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans Synopsis: I never did like the Fantastic Four comic, and I admit, I never gave this one much of a chance. But when an acting performance as achingly poor as Jessica Alba's makes me wish they'd cast Stan Lee as the Invisible Woman, it's time to start looking for the Corman version of this movie.
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Fantastic Four - Rise of the Silver Surfer Director: Tim Story Starring: Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Laurence Fishburne, Ioan Gruffudd, Michael Chiklis Synopsis: What was so complex about four guys whomping on a giant purple man that Tim Story couldn’t deliver? We’re willing to hinge our disbelief on a story about a man who can burst into flames at will, a man made of orange rock, and Jessica Alba as an astrophysicist because she wears glasses, yet they change Galactus because his hat is absurd.
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Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan Director: Rob Hedden Starring: Kane Hodder, Tiffany Paulsen HALLOWEEN REVIEW! Synopsis: The sewers of New York flood with toxic waste every night. At midnight, you'd better clear the fuck out of the sewers because huge galloping torrential waves of toxic waste will bury you. Why am I even here? Where does this toxic waste even come from? Let's not even bother asking where it goes!
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Director: Iain Softley Starring: Jonny Lee Miller, Angelina Jolie, Fisher Stevens DVD COMMENTARY! Synopsis: Packed with enough bad techno to drive perfectly sane people to suicide, this movie represents a landmark in poser-cinema. Written by people who clearly knew nothing about computers or hacking, Hackers is Angelina's least-dignified role until Alexander.
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Director: Terry Marcel Starring: Jack Palance, John Terry Synopsis: There are worse fantasy movies, to be sure. But few are as gloriously bad as Hawk the Slayer, a badly-edited funkadelic sword-and-sorcery romp with a budget of about $500 and special effects by KayBee Toys. Giants, dwarves, and Jack Palance with a bastard sword? This could be greater than City Slickers 2!
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Director: Starring: Series Retrospective Synopsis: How can a movie that ends with only one Immortal remaining have sequels? Some doubt the existence of these films, but I have proof! Find out in this retrospective on the Highlander series.
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Director: Xavier Gens Starring: Timothy Olyphant, Dougray Scott, Olga Kurylenko Synopsis: It's right up there with The Protector in terms of poor scripting, watchable only by masochists who get a chuckle out of films that parody themselves. Hitman wants to be a John Woo-style pistol opera so badly it hurts, but even those movies, as loud and bombastically stupid as they are, still made sense and delivered the goods in the action department. Hitman's got no identity of its own, and not enough style or skill to make up for it. It's the second-worst movie of the year and you'd do well to run screaming from it.
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Director: Claudio Fäh Starring: Christian Slater, Peter Facinelli, Laura Regan Synopsis: I know how this movie feels. I'd like to make Christian Slater disappear, too.
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Director: Uwe Boll Starring: Jonathan Cherry, Ona Grauer, Jürgen Prochnow Synopsis: You remember that game at the arcade that was always down for repairs, cost way too much to play, and had a plot worse than Bad Dudes? No, not Dance Dance Revolution. But Uwe Boll should really make a movie about it.
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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Director: Steven Spielberg Starring: Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Cate Blanchett, Shia LeBeouf, Ray Winstone VIDEO REVIEW Synopsis: Minutes after escaping the theater, I stopped by Wendy's for some comfort chocolate and rambled into near-incoherence into my camera. It's a film that's really polarizing viewers and lifelong fans of Indy, so check it out!
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Director: Masayuki Ochiai Starring: Michiko Hada, Kaho Minami, Koichi Sato, Masanobu Takashima Synopsis: The scariest part of the movie was when I expressed incredulity to my friends afterwards that no hospital staff could be as incompetent as the characters in Infection. The two people who worked at the hospital looked at each other and hesitated. Holy shit.
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Director: Joseph Zito Starring: Chuck Norris, Richard Lynch Synopsis: If not for Red Dawn stealing all of Chuck's thunder, this movie would have been the definitive Communist-smashin' movie. "Wolverines" my ivory cornhole, Chuck Norris could kick Patrick Swayzee's ass any day of the week and twice on Labor Day. See it for the guns. See it for the explosions. See it for the denim.
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Director: Sidney J. Furie Starring: Jason Gedrick, Louis Gossett Jr. Synopsis: When compared to Top Gun, Iron Eagle is the lesser-known, much much worse movie. Instead of a narrative or the relatively strong acting evidenced in Top Gun, Eagle involves a lot more Airplane Porn, senseless brutality, and scenes of shit blowing up. Ironically, many would argue that's why Iron Eagle is the superior of the two: because it dispenses with all those ladies and the homo volleyball scenes and the really bad music by Berlin. Even I have to admit, that movie sends mixed signals. It makes my wiener confused.
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Director: Michael Bay Starring: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou, Sean Bean Leaked Script! Synopsis: Few people outside the production have seen the script to parts: a clonus horror-- I mean, The Island. But I have it here for you!
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Director: Larry G. Spangler Starring: Jack Elam, Jeff Cooper Synopsis: If you liked Shanghai Knights, which threw a cowboy and a Chinese Imperial guardsman into 1890s England, you'll love this one, which purports to inject the most infamous of British serial killers into the American southwest! If you thought the legend of the Ripper only went as far as Whitechapel, then you don't know Jack!
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Director: Joe Castro Starring: Aaron Gaffey Synopsis: A movie with a title like this just demands to be savaged, doesn't it? Hey, who knows? It could be awesome. My question: electric cord or gasoline-powered?
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Director: Takashi Shimizu Starring: Takako Fuji Synopsis: If someone dies while raging pissed-off, they carry out their unlives inhabiting their old house and killing everyone who gets within spitting distance of the front porch. MAN I can't wait to die!
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Director: Sally Freeman Starring: Hugo Myatt Synopsis: It's time to rediscover the old BBC show Knightmare as The Spoony One braves the deadly Dungeons of Deceit. Whether you've seen it or not, we're in for a wild ride. Oooooh, nasty!
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Director: Peter Yates Starring: Ken Marshall, Lysette Anthony, Freddie Jones, Liam Neeson Synopsis: Krull might have done better had it not gone up against some of the absolute best films of the decade like Return of the Jedi and National Lampoon's Vacation. Or maybe not; it really is a stinker despite my childhood memories of how damn cool that whirly boomerang thing was. Krull is a planet named like a bizarre toothpaste, and it's been invaded by a race of squealing demons in American Gladiator armor called the Slayers who come from outer space in a huge Pop-O-Matic-powered black fortress called...well, the Black Fortress.
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Director: Jim Henson Starring: David Bowie, Jennifer Connelly Synopsis: It's one of those films that either enchanted you as a child or really creeped you out. Just as some people have an irrational fear of clowns, I always found Jim Henson's Muppet designs-- aside from Kermit and the Sesame Street gang-- to be ugly and more than a little disturbing. It may seem like a silly complaint; most of the muppets in Labyrinth are goblins and are supposed to be ugly, but in my opinion it made the movie too weird and scary for kids and too annoying for adults. Like Dane Cook.
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Director: Richard Donner Starring: Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer, Matthew Broderick Synopsis: My older brother and sister had Ladyhawke cycling through the firk ding VCR constantly when I was a child. I absolutely hated it and cursed every time they crammed it into the tape player. When I thought back on Ladyhawke for this review, my initial analysis was my distaste for it was grounded in the sense that the film is nearly the antithesis of everything Conan was: romantic instead of violent, PG-13 instead of a hard-R, Ferris Bueller instead of the Terminator. I don't disagree with this analysis, but I revised it to a much simpler and more correct one: Ladyhawke is flippin' terrible.
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Director: George A. Romero Starring: Simon Baker, Asia Argento, Dennis Hopper, John Leguizamo Synopsis: The Master is back, but the old man should have stayed in retirement. This is one preachy, dull mess of a film that Romero accidentally put zombies into. Time to go jihad on his ass.
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Living Hell: A Japanese Chainsaw Massacre Director: Shugo Fujii Starring: Hirohito Honda, Yoshiko Shiraishi, Rumi Synopsis: If your own grandma sneaking into your bedroom, soaking your balls in water, and then taking a stun gun to your groin for eight hours wasn't one of your worst nightmares, it will be after watching Living Hell.
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Director: George Lucas Starring: Robbie the Robot, Indiana Jones, Flash Gordon (Turkish Star Wars) Synopsis: There are many bad movies in this world, but few have the ability to make you feel truly stupider for having watched it. Uwe Boll can only aspire to incompetence of this magnitude. This movie is like a Faces of Death video for other movies, a horrifying crime against cinema where I would literally leap out of my seat screaming and pointing at the screen in disbelief.Two words: bring booze.
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Director: The Wachowski Brothers Starring: Laurence Fishburne, Keanu Reeves, Hugo Weaving Synopsis: God damn it, I even stuck up for Reloaded, and this is how you guys repay me? THIS?? A monumental letdown capping off an overrated series, this movie is a ton of sound and fury, signifying nothing but a migraine.
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Director: Steven Hilliard Stern Starring: Tom Hanks, Wendy Crewson, David Wallace, Chris Makepeace Synopsis: That night, Robbie has a dream where God summons Pardeux for a sacred quest. Robbie gazes up at the heavens and asks who summons him. The god identifies himself as The Great Hall and tells him that Pardeux has advanced to the next level, but to stay that way, he must be ever steadfast, loyal, and celibate. Celibate? Time to dual-class, Pardeux.
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Director: Alan J. Levi Starring: Mark Harmon, Sasha Alexander, Michael Weatherly, Pauley Perrette TV Review! Synopsis: I know jack about NCIS, truth be told. I'm only watching this one because my brother stuffed the DVD into my hand and demanded that I watch the fourth episode. NCIS? I'll take "Acronyms You'd Never Guess In A Million Years" for $800, Alex!
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Director: Timur Bekmambetov Starring: Konstantin Khabensky Synopsis: How pumped would you be to see medieval armies clashing using werewolves as shock troops? Alas, this is not meant to be, because Night Watch's idea of super-powered wizards and shapechangers battling is knights and cavemen clubbing each other. When Uwe Boll can direct a better medieval battle than you, take notice.
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Director: Byeong-ki Ahn Starring: Ji-won Ha, Yu-mi Kim, Woo-jae Choi Synopsis: Okay, so if someone dies while on hold calling Microsoft technical support, their ghost inhabits a cell phone. Or something. Long-haired creepy chicks. Ghosts. Blah blah.
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Director: Prachya Pinkaew Starring: Tony Jaa, Petchtai Wongkamlao, Xing Jing, Nathan Jones Synopsis: I'm not exaggerating. I wish you could see my eyes right now. The Protector is horrible. It's the most nonsensical, impossible-to-comprehend action movie I've ever seen. The direction is incompetent. The scripting is pathetic and weak. The story and the editing are arbitrary and contradictory, full of errors and the most incredible lapses of logic this side of Plan 9 From Outer Space. Oh yeah, I went there.
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Director: Scott Ziehl Starring: Johnathon Schaech, Jake Busey, Ellen Hollman Synopsis: You're telling me that the guy from Red Dawn has to scratch out a bit part in Donnie Darko when he could go back to fighting tight-pants-wearing villains in rowdy honky-tonks and shouting "I used to rape guys like you in prison!" It's your fault that Road House made me gay for the guy, now I want my goddamn Swayze!!
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Director: David Steiman Starring: Bill Goldberg, Emilie de Ravin CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! Synopsis: I decided this time around to go for a special Christmas movie review, something fittingly incompetent and filled with people I hate, sure to make me even more jaded and angry and loathe the holiday season altogether. Although for a movie that starts the world's most 'roided Jew, I think it rather unfairly leaves out the Jewish community's and spirit of involvement. Why can't Santa have a murderous Chanukah Harry sidekick who provides him automatic weapons at a discount price?
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Director: Joss Whedon Starring: Nathan Fillion, Chiwetel Ejiofor Synopsis: One time in a million, my expectations are blown away. I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong. Usually. Sometimes.
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Director: Richard Kelley Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Seann William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar KODT Review Synopsis: Southland Tales is not only as the worst movie of 2007, but one of the worst of all-time. It probably won't take any Razzies or become an Internet meme, but will quietly take its place alongside other Cannes disasters like The Brown Bunny and Heaven's Gate as one of the most punishing, painful, and disappointing examples of artistic excess and self-indulgence to ever blight the silver screen. People will watch Donnie Darko years from now and ask “Whatever happened to Richard Kelly?” Southland Tales happened.
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Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Director: George Lucas Starring: Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Ian McDiarmid, Samuel L. Jackson Synopsis: Not to put too fine a point on it, but I thought George Lucas was done raping my childhood when he made Ep3.
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Director: Paul Verhoeven Starring: Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer, Denise Richards, Neil Patrick Harris Synopsis: So here's what I learned. You shoot a nuke down a bug-hole, you got a lotta dead bugs. Bugs don't take prisoners. And Neil Patrick Harris becomes head of the Psi-Gestapo? Hey, NPH wouldn't do that.
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Director: Steven E. de Souza Starring: Jean-Claude van Damme, Raul Julia, Kylie Minogue Synopsis: "And how about the A.I. in Street Fighter 2? Was that bullshit or what? Remember when the computer would play Blanka and could do back-charge moves while walking forward? I mean what the hell! Cheating cockwhore."
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Director: Bryan Singer Starring: Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey SPOILERS AHOY! Synopsis: The Man of Steel returns in a stale retread of the first movie. Lex Luthor is back. Again. He's got kryptonite. Again. And shocker of all shockers, I didn't like it!
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Director: Ataru Oikawa Starring: Miho Kanno, Mami Nakamura Tomie - ROUND ONE Synopsis: Here's the setup: there's a huge series of movies about an immortal, regenerating succubus demon who drives men to lusty murder in her name. The problem is, she really sucks at it.
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Director: Takashi Shimizu Starring: Miki Sakai, Satoshi Tsumabuki Tomie - ROUND THREE Synopsis: Our favorite lolicon is back, and just as lame as ever! With a bigger body count and a much more jailbait-lookin' Tomie, will she finally...uh...just what does Tomie want, anyway?
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Director: Tomijiro Mitsuishi Starring: Mai Hosho Tomie - ROUND TWO Synopsis: In this installment, it's clone madness in a hospital! It seems Tomie is more virus than demon, and she can regnerate copies of herself from any severed bits. But what's really funny is that even the clones don't get along!
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Director: Michael Bay Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox Synopsis: My script for Transformers would have been a deck of flash cards with nonsense words like FWAM and KRA-KOOM! written on them, and somehow this is less-stupid than the script they ended up using. It’s a script so misguided, so puerile and offensively moronic it’s almost like the original author has no idea how to structure a screenplay at all. I’ve sprayed better screenplays in the toilet after a bout of food poisoning. It’s abusively long, and yet almost nothing substantive happens.
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Director: Steven Spielberg Starring: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning Synopsis: If aliens really did attack, I suppose it's not a bad thing that Tom Cruise if fighting on our side. After all, he's got every reason to hate Lord Xenu. What concerns me is that beside him is Dakota Fanning, child devourer of souls. Watch out of the Power Patriots!
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Director: Geoffrey Sax Starring: Michael Keaton, Deborah Kara Unger, Ian McNeice Synopsis: EVP is a phenomenon where you tune your radio to random noise and attempt to hear the subtle electromagnetic interference caused by the souls of the dead speaking to us, when in reality you're just hearing Kooky DJ Scooter at the LiteFM.
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Director: Neil LaBute Starring: Nicolas Cage, Kate Beahan, Leelee Sobieski, Ellen Burstyn Synopsis: At last, a horror movie that plays on man's natural fear of wicker! Few people know the true horror that awaits you in a Pier One Imports, so it's good that films like The Wicker Man are made to put that message out to the people. Let's just say I've heard...things about this movie that make me dread the next two hours. I'll give you a hint. Two words: bear suit. I'm in for deep hurting, guys. Deep. Deep. Hurting.
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Director: Todd Holland Starring: Fred Savage, Beau Bridges, Christian Slater Synopsis: I was eight years old when I first saw The Wizard and I tell you this now, no lie: I thought it was the greatest movie ever filmed. Of course, I was a fucking idiot when I was eight, but that doesn't take away the pain of knowing at one time, I was exactly the kind of brainwashed mark every advertising executive thinks we are. God, I hated me as a kid.
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Director: Jesse Baget Starring: Rey Misterio, Leyla Milani, Irwin Keyes Synopsis: In an attempt to swindle a gold medal for wrestling at the Olympics, the president of Mexico had the three greatest wrestlers in the country abducted, murdered, and employed a staff of mad scientists to reassemble the best bits of each to construct the ultimate mutant luchador. Did they have a weight class in mind for this? And what kind of wrestling? They only do Greco-Roman and freestyle wrestling at the Olympics, and I'm pretty sure "freestyle" doesn't include hitting people with steel folding chairs and jumping on them from the top turnbuckle. Though that would be wicked cool.
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Director: Brett Ratner Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Sir Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart Synopsis: I wonder why, Magneto has to go to such extreme measures to destroy one building. If he has the power to manipulate metal, couldn't he just crush the prison with his mind? Or maybe steal a bomb and drop it on the prison? Oh, and I nearly forgot, the most powerful mutant in the world is standing right next to you, and she's not doing a goddamn thing!! The fuck are you waiting for, Jean, a signed invitation?
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Yor: The Hunter From the Future Director: Antonio Margheriti Starring: Reb Brown, Corrine Clery, Luciano Pigozzi KODT Review Synopsis: This special review originally began as a Gamer's Rant for Knights of the Dinner Table, but don't miss my special, first-ever video review of the greatest sci-fi/fantasy/caveman epic ever made!
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Director: John Boorman Starring: Sean Connery, Charlotte Rampling, Niall Buggy Synopsis: I mean really, who was the target audience for this nonsense? This movie seems like it was banking on its surreal imagery and its provocative subject matter to put asses in the seats, but David Lynch shits more thought-provoking things into his toilet. Did anyone honestly think a film about space hippies studying Sean Connery getting an erection would sell tickets? I don't know, but any movie involving a hairy Connery pulling a rickshaw in thigh boots and red man-panties while his passenger pelts people with green baguettes has to rank up at the top of the list as one of the most cracked-out things ever filmed.
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