A Review by Noah Antwiler
Devotees of the long-dead show Mystery Science Theater 3000 realized almost immediately after seeing the trailer that The Island is little more than a remake of parts: a clonus horror with about $200 million thrown in, and everything that parts did well, out. It's a schizoid movie that raises a lot of interesting questions about cloning ethics and thinks that a car chase will resolve it. It's a shame that such a thoughtful issue with a lot of drama inherent to the story serves as little more than a segue way into a 90 minutes of mercenaries chasing two pretty people across green screens. parts wasn't even that bad of a movie, and was surprisingly forward-thinking for its time.
The real shame is that, if you want to see The Island, you already have. Believe it or not, the trailer successfully managed to compress the film's plot into a two-minute commercial. Cut out the car chases and foot races, and you have the preview. The trailer spoils absolutely everything, including the dramatic revelations that the main characters are clones, the clones are being used for organ harvests, and even that the clones all escape at the end. It's all there; go look.
This is also perhaps the most Michael Bay-ish Michael Bay film ever made, surpassing even Bad Boys 2 in sheer gratuitous destruction and careless slaughter. The world through Bay's eyes is an unsettling nightmare, where people always climb out of vehicles in slow motion, filmed at an upward angle. The sun is always setting behind the characters no matter which direction they're facing. And all British people are evil. Bay's a guy whose main style is to frame-up badass, backlit shots as people walk in slow motion to the next big-budget stunt sequence. I don't even think he realizes the actors are really there, just smashing them against each other like an eight year-old playing with his Batman dolls and making spittle-gushing explosion noises. The Arizona Republic's critic, Bill Muller summarized Michael Bay better than I could ever hope to: "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."
You want to know more? Well, I'd rant on this movie further, really. But I think that the script speaks for itself. Luckily for you, my sources have secured the actual shooting script for The Island. Here it is:
parts: a clonus horror
By Michael Bay
Edited and Corrected By Billy Trinkle (Sunshine Catering)
CAST OF CHARACTERS
LINCOLN SIX ECHO --
Obi-Wan Kenobi Ewan McGregor
JORDAN TWO DELTA --
That chick from Lost in Translation Scarlett Johansson
EVIL BRITISH DUDE --
That guy from Goldeneye who always plays evil british dudes Sean Bean
MERCENARY DUDE --
A really scary black guy Djimon Hounsou
JOE DEADMEAT --
The guy who got thrown into a woodchipper Steve Buscemi
*Camera fades up on Lincoln Six Echo's bedroom. He awakens from a terrible nightmare.*
LINCOLN >> Aaaah General Grievous noooo!!
COMPUTER (V.O.) >> Time for breakfast.
LINCOLN >> Cool, I want some bacon.
*At the cafeteria*
LINCOLN >> I want some bacon.
LUNCH LADY >> I want a 34-inch waist. We got powdered bird slop and powdered potato slop.
LINCOLN >> This sucks.
JORDAN >> Check this out. I'm pretty!
LUNCH LADY >> Have some bacon!
LINCOLN >> I wish I had boobs.
TELEVISION (V.O.) >> Time to see who goes to the Island! Nimrod Nine Foxtrot! You win!
NIMROD >> Yay!
CLONE >> Motherfucker! I never win.
STORMTROOPER >> Shut up.
CLONE >> Yes sir. Tool.
*In Evil British Guy's Office*
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> Come in, Six Echo. I'm Doctor Evi-- I mean, Doctor Merrick.
LINCOLN >> Hi.
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> I've been told by a few people you're being an asshole.
LINCOLN >> I just wanted some bacon, for christ's sake.
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> And why is that?
LINCOLN >> I hate tofu, man.
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> I see. Well it's very good for you.
LINCOLN >> Hey, and why are all the clothes white?
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> Uh...well it's easier. You can put it all in one load, y'know?
LINCOLN >> And I've been having bad dreams.
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> Put these huge metal bugs in your eye. That should help.
LINCOLN >> Will it hurt?
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> Nah I'll be fine.
LINCOLN >> No I mean me!
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> Oh! Oh yes, tremendously so.
LINCOLN >> Aaaaah!
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> You think that's bad, they'll crawl out your urethra in about 24 hours. Whoo!
*Back in the commons*
JORDAN >> XBox rules!
LINCOLN >> Nuh uh, bacon rules!
JORDAN >> What?
LINCOLN >> Hey Jordan. I was thinking, you have huge boobs and you're talking to me...would you ever...?
TELEVISION (V.O.) >> Jordan Two Delta, come on down! You're the latest contestant on The Island is Right!
JORDAN >> Woo!
CLONE >> Shit! Shit! Shit! This place is so boring!
JORDAN >> Hey I'll see you around Lincoln.
LINCOLN >> Uh huh. Hey look, a bug...thought they were all dead. Let me check this out...
*Up a service ladder, LINCOLN finds a secret medical facility. He disguises himself as a nurse and sneaks into an operating theater.*
CLONE LADY >> Aww look at my new baby! Can I hold it?
DOCTOR >> Sure, after we kill you.
CLONE LADY >> Blargh!
LINCOLN >> Holy shit!
*Lincoln runs back to Jordan's apartment.*
JORDAN >> Hey.
LINCOLN >> Omigodomigodomigod! Jordanlistenrealquicktheislandisfake andit'snotreal!! Andtheykilledthislady andSeanBeanisevil!
JORDAN >> The hell you talking about?
LINCOLN >> The Island isn't real!
JORDAN >> Jeez if you want to see my boobs so bad just ask.
LINCOLN >> God damn it I'm serious.
STORMTROOPER >> There he is! Blast him!
STORMTROOPER 2 >> Bang bang!
LINCOLN >> Run run run run!
JORDAN >> Run run run run!
*Lincoln and Jordan escape the facility and track down Joe Deadmeat, a janitor at a local bar a few miles away in town.*
BARTENDER >> What can I get ya?
LINCOLN >> Bacon. Lots of it.
JORDAN >> Ugh. We need to see Joe Deadmeat.
BARTENDER >> He's over there.
JOE DEADMEAT >> So anyway, in walks the biggest Mexican I've ever seen--
LINCOLN >> Hey Joe.
JOE DEADMEAT >> What the hell are you doing here?
LINCOLN >> Turns out Sean Bean is evil.
JOE DEADMEAT >> Well duh.
JORDAN >> What's going on here? I don't deserve this. I'm pretty and have an awesome rack.
JOE DEADMEAT >> Well you're clones.
LINCOLN >> What?
JOE DEADMEAT >> Well you know, in case rich people need a new liver. Or get thrown into a woodchipper or something.
JORDAN >> Can you help us get away?
JOE DEADMEAT >> Yeah I guess.
STORMTROOPER >> There they are! Blast them!
STORMTROOPER >> Bang!
JOE DEADMEAT >> Blargh!
JORDAN >> No!!
JOE DEADMEAT >> It's okay, I almost never survive movies.
*Jordan and Lincoln run away.*
*Back in Evil British Dude's office*
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> I need you to hunt down some clones that ran off.
MERCENARY >> Yeah I can do that.
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> What are your qualifications?
MERCENARY >> I'm a seven foot-tall black dude with an assault rifle.
EVIL BRITISH DUDE >> Excellent.
*Lincoln tracks down his clone's house.*
LINCOLN >> I'm going to check the fridge for some bacon.
CLONE DADDY LINCOLN >> What are you doing in my house?
LINCOLN >> We need you to help expose the truth behind the illegal clones! Tell the world that Sean Bean is evil!
CLONE DADDY LINCOLN >> Uh huh. Whoa! Check out the tits on her!
JORDAN >> I know, aren't they great?
LINCOLN >> Come on!
CLONE DADDY LINCOLN >> Okay I'll help you, despite the fact I'm going to die in two years and I have no possible benefit to helping you and I need your liver.
LINCOLN >> What?
CLONE DADDY LINCOLN >> Nothing. I'm just going to go get my shoes and not call Sean Bean.
LINCOLN >> But you're wearing shoes!
JORDAN >> I don't trust him.
LINCOLN >> Ok. You'd better stay here.
JORDAN >> What am I supposed to do if the mercenaries attack?
LINCOLN >> Lock the door.
CLONE DADDY LINCOLN >> And hope they don't have blasters.
*The Lincoln clones drive towards a news station.*
CLONE DADDY LINCOLN >> Give me your liver!
LINCOLN >> Never!
*40 minutes of car chase and Obi-Wan wrestling with himself.*
MERCENARY >> Stop or I'll shoot!
CLONE DADDY LINCOLN >> I'm the real Lincoln!
LINCOLN >> Nuh uh! I am!
MERCENARY >> Whatever. Bang!
CLONE DADDY LINCOLN >> Blargh!
LINCOLN >> Clone Me is a dick, man.
*Lincoln escapes and meets Jordan again.*
JORDAN >> I saw people having sex on TV!
LINCOLN >> What's that?
JORDAN >> Well I taped it. Here.
TELEVISION (V.O.) >> Ah want you to squeal like a pig. SQUEEEEE!! SQUEEEEE!!
LINCOLN >> Awesome. Bend over.
JORDAN >> Think I'll have sex with my bra on.
LINCOLN >> Um. Why?
JORDAN >> Michael Bay wants to keep his PG-13 rating.
*Two minutes later.*
JORDAN >> My butt hurts. Sex sucks.
LINCOLN >> Hah, whatever!
JORDAN >> So now what do we do?
LINCOLN >> Well if we shut down the big hologram thingy we can free all the clones.
JORDAN >> I've got a plan!
*Lincoln goes back to the complex disguised as Clone Daddy Lincoln.*
SLIMY GUY >> Hi, are you the clone?
LINCOLN >> Nope!
SLIMY GUY >> Okay!
LINCOLN >> Whack!
SLIMY GUY >> Blargh!
*Jordan gets herself captured by the Mercenary Dude.*
MERCENARY >> Got you!
STORMTROOPER >> There she is! Blast her!
MERCENARY >> Knock it off!
STORMTROOPER >> Should we frisk her in case she's hiding a gun?
MERCENARY >> Nah.
DOCTOR >> Put her on the operating table. Time to cut out her lungs.
STORMTROOPER >> Should we take off her clothes and put her in a surgical gown in case she's hiding a gun?
DOCTOR >> Nah.
STORMTROOPER >> Should we restrain her at all? She might object to you cutting her lungs out.
DOCTOR >> You're such a pessimist.
JORDAN >> Hah! I've got a gun! Bang bang!
STORMTROOPER >> Blargh!
DOCTOR >> Impossible! Blargh!!
*Lincoln runs off to the hologram chamber, but finds it locked.*
LINCOLN >> Crap! I hadn't counted on them locking the vitally-important computer room. Hang on a second...what's this?
*Lincoln turns off the giant turbines that cool the complex. The base explodes.*
EVIL BRITISH GUY >> Damn it! We really should have fenced off the one piece of equipment that would cause the base to explode if some random person yanked a lever!
LINCOLN >> Haha! PWNED!
EVIL BRITISH GUY >> Shut up! This is my movie! GoldenIsland! Bang!
LINCOLN >> Argh! You shot me with a harpoon, you weirdo!
EVIL BRITISH GUY >> You could have lived your clone's life! Had all the bacon you ever wanted! But no, you came back here!
*Lincoln and the Evil British Dude battle. The base continues to explode and both are thrown off the catwalk, dangling over a railing.*
EVIL BRITISH GUY >> For England, James?
LINCOLN >> No. For bacon.
EVIL BRITISH GUY >> Blargh!
*Jordan chases down some of her clone friends being loaded into an incinerator.*
STORMTROOPER >> Where did we get a bulk human incinerator?
STORMTROOPER 2 >> Dunno.
JORDAN >> Turn it off!
STORMTROOPER >> There she is! Blast her!
JORDAN >> Bang bang!
STORMTROOPER >> Blargh!!
STORMTROOPER >> Okay oaky!
CLONES >> Yay!
*The clones run off into the sunset and, not knowing what a 200' cliff is, quickly fall off it.*