A Review by Noah Antwiler
I like to consider myself an expert on cinema du crap, being a guy who hordes anything vaguely Mystery Science Theater-related, owns over 400 B-movies on DVD, does bad DVD commentaries, and often screams at people who take too long getting out of cars "Torg, come out of the space-ship!" I have a website devoted entirely to shredding shitty movies apart, and I have my own movie review column in an monthly international magazine.
Okay, it's a comic book, but it counts. Point is, I have a legitimate claim on being a go-to guy when it comes to bad movies.
Then why in the name of Zeus' crackling ASSHOLE have I never heard of Turkish Star Wars???
Honest to god, the first I'd heard of it was a few weeks ago on my forum. Apparently it's widely regarded as one of the worst movies of all time, known for its repeated, blatant, shameless, and widespread ripoffs of other famous American science-fiction movies and television programs. After watching the first five minutes and doing a little research (which for this "expert" amounts to Googling the first two pages, looking around on RottenTomatoes, and most critically, getting the dummies' version of it on Wikipedia), I'm still dumbfounded that a movie this epically horrible went completely beneath my notice. How is it possible in all my years hanging out in game stores, internet chat rooms, and online forums bitching about Star Wars has not one person just said "Well at least it wasn't Turkish Star Wars." Not ONE!
Well, I think primarily because it's Turkish, which isn't a slight on the noble Turkish people, merely pointing out that Turkey is quite a long way away frοm the United States. About as far away as you're likely to get frοm it, in fact. Worse, it's such a disgustingly blatant knockoff of a dozen established franchises that I doubt you could even sell it commercially in the U.S.. I bet the only way you could ever find it until recently was in grainy, ugly, wobbly bootlegs imported frοm that friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend in the military. Until the Internet, of course, and the advent of online video. And thanks to the goldmine of loudly-contested information that is Wikipedia, you're sure to find all you never wanted to know about this movie, including a number of other brave reviewers who got to this movie long before I did, and quite comprehensively, too.
For those of you who are truly brave, you can see the film online here. I'll include my own clips in this review as well, because frοm the few minutes I've already seen, I have a feeling I'm going to need to just step back and let the images speak for themselves. This is one trippy-shit, bizarre movie.
I try not to review movies that have already been conquered by other critics, but in this case, I feel I must. There's just something about this movie that compels me to watch, a giddy feeling where every second I'm truly astounded by what I'm seeing. This movie is like a Faces of Death video for other movies, a horrifying crime against cinema where I would literally leap out of my seat screaming and pointing at the screen in disbelief. No wonder this movie has already been puzzled over and scrutinized by others for years. Suffice to say that to maintain my originality and integrity, I have not read any of these other reviews and am jumping into this film relatively blind. But just so you know what you're getting into, I'll try and provide the quick-and-dirty setup before we go balls-deep into this movie.
Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, (literally "The Man Who Saves the World") so-called Turkish Star Wars because of its rampant usage of spliced-in footage frοm Star Wars is a Turkish production made during a strange period of political upheaval following a quasi-fascist government coup. Since the 70s, American films had started becoming globally mainstream, sending the golden age of Turkish cinema (just accept that there was one, and let's move on) into a downward spiral. Many of the Turkish films were already goofy-ass complete nonsense even during the best of times, so when major American blockbusters like E.T. The Extraterrestrial and Raiders of the Lost Ark started going global, anyone with half a brain could see that their little corner of filmmaking was in deep shit. Nobody is going to want to see some low-budget hackery out of Turkey when the competition was the latest new feature frοm Hollywood. Turkish pride only sells so many tickets, and I don't think I'm minimizing the Turkish talent pool of the era when I say most filmmakers down there were unqualified jack-offs who barely knew what the fuck they were doing.
The handwriting was on the wall, but unfortunately it was in English and none of the Turks could read it. In the face of government censorship and the improving taste of Turkish people, filmmakers faced an evolutionary struggle. Some of them transitioned to bad art house films or porn. Good luck getting screen time in a theater; it was a direct-to-video market now. Some saw no reason to change (or were too incompetent to see it) and decided to stick with the tried-and-true method that had served them so well for years: knockoff, copy, plagiarize, buy another eightball. Such is the story of Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, a feeble attempt to clone the successful formula of Star Wars that turned out to be so childish-looking and hilariously stupid that it marked a low-point in cinema as one of the worst movies ever. Reportedly the director of this film tried to work a little damage control by giving an interview claiming the intention of the movie was to make fun of American movies, a comment that was roundly met with coughs of "*rrhhmm*BULLSHIT*rrrhmm*" frοm the rest of the planet.
Anyway, take a moment to scroll back to the top of the pageand look at the cover of the movie, just to ground yourself and prepare for what kind of movie you're about to see. That's Cüneyt Arkın, the writer and star of this movie giving his high-kick in gold-boots and gauntlets with one of the best stone-faced "gonna bust your shit up" facial expressions I've ever seen. frοm what I've read, Arkın is a longtime veteran with a real established pedigree in Turkish cinema. The guy's got decades of experience under his belt, so when he shows up in a movie, it's a big deal. Well usually it is. In this case, he wrote a totally demented load of horseshit.
Here we go.
The movie begins with a terrible, and I do mean terrible credit sequence. Now, I want you to understand that I'm not just picking on the movie straight away. Do you have any idea what it takes for me to single out a fucking two-minute credit sequence as being bad? In this case, the credits take the form of wedge-shaped angular letters being projected against a black background, scrolling one by one across the screen. And when I say "projected" I literally mean that they look like these credits are not animated in any way. These aren't credits like you'll see in other movies, with clean, crisp letters. It looks like these credits were filmed with a slide projector in a dark room. Seriously. Either that, or like someone drew the letters on the end of a flashlight and shone it against the wall. When your credits look worse than the block letters on a 1970s era public access station, there's something desperately wrong with your methods. Maybe this was their attempt to look spacey and sci-fi, but honestly it looks like I'm watching these credits through a ViewMaster. It feels like I have to manually cue the next slide. I might have expected something this bad in the 60s, maybe, but then I think back on movies like Eegah! and The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies and realize in horror that already, this movie is technically outclassed on just about every conceivable level. I mean this is 1982 for Christ's sake, and this is the best they got?
And this goes on for two whole minutes, watching these abominably bad credits lock-step forward as this bubbly synth-pop annoys the piss out of me. Doesn't this Casio noodling just scream "epic space war" to you? I'm torn by my disdain for this cheap, shitty music and the grim realization that I should be grateful that this is perhaps the only music in the entire firm that isn't ripped off. I'm not joking when I say that if I handed you a camera, a stack of construction paper, and a permanent marker, you could have filmed a better credits sequence than this. That's how sad this movie already is.
Suddenly, with all the grace of a neutron bomb the movie launches into the theme frοm Battlestar Galactica while showing us what looks like a Rush album cover, then random (I do mean random) shots of outer space as envisioned by a half-dozen other Hollywood directors. The director also chooses to "seamlessly" mix in stock footage of the Russian space program in with images of the Millennium Falcon and X-Wings being prepped for launch on Yavin 4, like they're all totally the same thing. As a narrator explains the story, the Star Wars plagiarism is rapid and blatant: cosmonauts, cut to X-wings, cut to the Apollo launch, cut to the Millennium Falcon jumping to hyperspace, and so on. The story explains in subtitles of broken English that the Earth entered into a space-age renaissance following our exploration of the moon, and with it came a rush of technological advancement, human unity, and massive colonization on other planets throughout the galaxy. And "hundreds of thousands years had been passed and earth and planets system in space turned into galaxy system." Whatever the fuck that means, but the movie helpfully shows us the Death Star advancing on Alderaan to clear it up.
Again with more crackly, grainy, terrible stock footage of old Earth space launches. "Civilizations and history had become past," the narrator continues. And you'll just have to bear with the non-sequitir narrator, because I've already given up on trying to translate the English, I just report it in the hopes that you might be able to follow. "Mankind started to be contended (sic) with a simple life style as in primitive ages."
Translated: "We had to film this movie in Turkey, which is basically a stony, sand-blasted shithole that doesn't look at all futuristic, so that's why all our exterior locations look like a third-world country."
Yup, mankind as a whole got tired of all its spacey gadgetry and decided to go tribal. That makes sense. As a Star Destroyer chases Princess Leia's diplomatic vessel, the narrator blabs on about how all Earth's nations, civilizations, races, and religions essentially blurred together into one vaguely brown Mediterranean group. TIE Fighters now. X-Wings breaking to attack! Well, at least this feels more like Star Wars than The Phantom Menace did.
"Earth was facing the danger of extinction as a result of a crazy nuclear armament." Um, what?
Apparently the Earth has been attacked a number of times before, and it was never destroyed, but several times large chunks were blown off the planet and fragmented off to become "meteor rocks" in space. Now we see the commander who fires the Death Star's main laser. "For the sake of ruling and becoming more powerful while the beautiful and happy world was madly destroyed, suddenly it came across with a mysterious and very strong enemy. Our world which had been formed into matter frοm rays and energy five billion years ago got fragmented into dust clouds under the influence of laser rays in the galaxy age." To punctuate, we see the Death Star shoot a laser ray into Alderaan! I think this plot has already left me far, far behind. You're telling me that nobody's ever managed to destroy the earth, but it's been jackhammered into dust by lasers. And you don't count that as "being destroyed."
I just find it amusing that even the movie admits that Turkey is a dusty wasteland that looks like it was systematically blasted with lasers for thousands of years.
"All humans used one single weapon against this danger." Radar!
"They started to resist with a crust which was welded with human brain and willpower. A coating which was formed by compressed human brain molecules was protecting the earth." WHAT?! A crust welded with human brain? What the fuck does that even mean, man? And why are you showing me the briefing of the X-Wing pilots on Yavin?! "That's right, everyone; you've all been selected to help form a protective crust around our dust-cloud of earth. We'll be welding your brains together in alphabetical order, so please proceed to the processing center in an orderly fashion." You mean to tell me that they constructed a planet-sized shell around the Earth made of brains. Guess you can't make an omelet without breaking several trillion eggs. I simply can't find the words to comment on how amazing this is. I've heard my nephew in grade school make up some stupid, whacked-out stories while playing with action figures, but none of them were as insane as this.
Plus-- and this is the really crazy part-- that means that the Death Star...is Earth!! Which makes no fucking sense when we just saw the Death Star blowing up what we thought was already Earth. But no, I'm being real here: what you see as the Death Star is really the shell (made of compressed brain molecules, I remind you) surrounding the Earth. And I'm absolutely certain of this because just then, the Evil Space Lord attacks the Death Star Earth with X-Wings. The bad guys are flying fucking X-Wings, and the Earthlings are the ones in TIE Fighters.
"The only power which could breach this shield was a weapon to be constructed with human brain and will power," continues the narrator. "But in reality, how strong their weapons be; the enemies of the earth in galaxy; did not have brains." Oh, so they were American Idol voters! You know, eventually we're all just going to have to stop rolling our eyes at this story and just gird our loins for the rest of this movie. We're only four minutes in and this is already the goofiest shit I've ever seen.
Anyway, the narrator tells us that the Earth's only hope is to sally forth in an attempt to find and kill this mysterious, brainless enemy. Unfortunately, none of the warriors they sent ever returned. So now, "strongest and greatest two Turkish warriors and other humans sailed into space and declared war to the unknown enemy." Yes, the movie explicitly lists out two Turkish dudes as Earth's greatest warriors...and a bunch of other guys. I love how the movie refers to them as "Turkish," especially since it just got through telling us that notions such as race, religion, and nationality were outmoded concepts. Or maybe it's just telling us that in the future everyone's Turkish. Could happen.
The opening monologue seems to have really fallen in love with the Millennium Falcon, even though I'm almost certain it has nothing to do with anything. Once we're introduced to our two brave Turkish ubermen, it's instantly hilarious as we see them clearly seated in front of a screen where the space battle scenes frοm Star Wars are rear-projected behind them.
Now the movie's score changes abruptly to steal the hook frοm Raiders of the Lost Ark, then lurches into a new scene where we meet the Evil Space Lord, a guy glad in red plastic armor and what looks like a wicker Noh theatre mask with spikes projecting radially frοm his head. He looks like a guy in a festive Mardi Gras costume, so I'm going to call him Mardi Darth frοm now on. He addresses his motley crew of mismatched robots, a cheap bunch of plastic buckets that would have been laughed off the set of Lost in Space (and indeed, one of them looks suspiciously like Robbie the Robot). Mardi Darth bitches about how easy it is to conquer Earth, and yet the humans keep resisting him despite his obvious dominance. He orders his battleships (read: X-Wings) to assault while the guy who fires the Death Star laser toils away with all his buttons and levers. He gives the order to capture any humans they can find because they need a brain to get through the Earth's defensive shield.
Cut to the Two Turkish Pilots in their TIE Fighters as they start to engage the evil X-Wings. The continuity is all over the place, as the two sides haven't engaged each other yet, but we can still see X-Wings directly behind them, as well as Star Destroyers looming behind them in other shots (and I have no idea whose side they're supposed to be on). Once the two sides clash, the X-Wings start making the Death Star trench run (why?) and we can see numerous shots of the Millennium Falcon getting shot at. The two Turks try to act intense as Star Wars rages on behind them with such classic lines as "To base: I'm ascending!" and "This is what suits us. We must cross over the space speed!" Move zig! For great justice!
"On your back, coming!" says one of them. Eeeeeeew. You dirty bastard!
"Destroy the earth!" Mardi Darth commands! Then abruptly the lower half of the screen goes black entirely, and we're seeing everything through a strange, lurching oblong window, almost as if someone were covering the projector's lens with their hand, and you were peeking at the movie frοm between their fingers. What the hell is going on here? One of the pilots remarks that the X-Wings keep coming in waves, and there's no way they can keep this battle up. But they sojourn on to meet the next attacking formation.
"These coming ones are too sour faced," says the older pilot. "It'd be nice if some chicks with mini skirts were coming." Truly these are Earth's greatest warriors! If this guy survives, I'm going to call him Kenny because he reminds me of Kenny Blankenship frοm Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, the goofy host who consistently reminds us that what we're watching would be a lot better if we had chicks and beer.
Then the Indiana Jones theme kicks into high gear! We see a Star Destroyer firing on Leia's cruiser again. Then X-Wings in the Death Star trench. Then something explodes and the two pilots look at the rear-projection screen. Then more of the Star Destroyer. Then the trench again. Robbie the Robot (seriously) steps forward on Mardi Darth's ship and says that the humans have obviously learned to use their brain as energy, and if he can capture a brain, he can capture the world as well. Um, thanks Robbie, but I think we've covered this already. Twice, in fact. Then we see an X-Wing being locked on Darth Vader's radar screen as the sound of a cassette tape being rewound while holding the play-button down screeches over the soundtrack.
Kenny notes that some strange force is pulling them towards itself. The other guy says "we got too far frοm Earth," which would be fine, if we couldn't see that they're clearly flying in the Death Star trench at the very moment he says that. You couldn't possibly be closer to the Earth, you fucking nimrod. What's even funnier is that the rear projection gets screwed up at the same time and we can see a shot of Darth Vader's radar appear behind him accidentally, twice! And then the rear projection just starts going wild, showing erratic random shit frοm Star Wars behind the two pilots without any regard to continuity whatsoever. First we see the trench, then the radar screen, then the projection cuts to X-Wings strafing the Death Star surface, then it cuts to shots of stormtroopers being blown up inside the fucking Death Star, and we're supposed to be seeing this out of the back window of Kenny's TIE Fighter. It really slays me when the film makes edits behind the pilots, showing us stuff frοm radically different perspectives.
Once again, Not Kenny reminds us that they're getting too far away frοm the Earth, even though I can still see them skimming the surface of the fucking planet. Eventually the numbers game catches up to Kenny and his friend, and the X-Wings blast the hell out of them. Despite this, Mardi Darth seems to be upset. "Earth, to be unable to reach you does not mean to loose (sic)." Well yeah, it kind of does seeing as how you haven't conquered jack shit. And I still don't know why Earth felt compelled to send Kenny and his friends to fight the Evil Space Lord when it seems their brain shield is perfectly capable of withstanding every attack. As long as they don't do something stupid, like...oh, I don't know, send human pilots out beyond the shield where they might get captured, they should be fine.
Then the Flash Gordon theme plays. What in the hell? Cut to the barren, rocky surface of Turkey, where we see for about a full minute repetitive shots of dusty explosions and dust storms as Kenny and Not Kenny pick themselves out frοm under a layer of broken rocks. Music which I'm pretty sure is stolen frοm Disney's The Black Hole starts to play as they dust themselves off and survey their surroundings. There's no sign of their spaceships or their helmets, of course. I have no idea where they are now, and how they survived being clearly obliterated and burned alive in their spaceships, then falling onto the surface of a planet covered in jagged rocks is beyond me. Now that I think of it, what are the odds that they'd not only land on the same planet in the vast infinity of space, but land within thirty feet of each other? And to top it all off they did it without helmets. They hit the ground so hard they were literally impacted into the surface of the planet and covered in rubble, and they're completely unharmed. Even their hair still looks pretty good.
They have no where idea where they are, so they decide to just pick a direction and start walking at Not Kenny's suggestion that they'd better find some food and water, pronto. Not Kenny asks if it makes him sound like a wuss to admit that he's afraid, and Kenny says yeah, pretty much. "Maybe we crashed on a planet inhabited only by women. They could be testing us to check which of us is more courageous." The scary part is, frοm what I know of Kenny so far, he might actually be serious.
The next shot shows us our heroes have gone frοm walking in the rocky badlands to a barren desert. Now it's just dunes and dust as far as the eye can see. Now, I'm no navigator, but it seems to me that walking into a massive span of desert was the wrong direction, and maybe they should have figured out that maybe there isn't much water to be found the way they're going. Taking off the all-black leather uniforms might have been a wise option, too. After marching a bit more, they encounter stock footage of ancient pyramids and the Sphinx. The narrator says "blah blah blah big war, ancient civilization, blah blah has nothing to do with anything." Then Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor starts to play rather inappropriately (you know the song that Dracula always plays at his huge pipe organ?), immediately making me wonder if it's actually possible to rip off Bach.
Kenny and Not Kenny discuss how they came to crash on this planet without any of their equipment (essentially bringing up every plot hole I just bitched about at great length.) Kenny insists that they didn't crash, but they were drawn here for a reason. The narrator explains that the hieroglyphics on the pyramids were really ancient warnings against the same kind of nuclear warfare that imperils the earth at this very moment. Man, it really makes you think. Such irony. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.
Not Kenny asks if Kenny was being serious when he brought up that whole "planet inhabited only by hot bisexual women" thing. Kenny's all "sure, it's as likely as anything else." NK says that he hopes it's true, then Kenny can bust out his sexy whistle that no woman can resist. I think they're starting to go a little nuts frοm sunstroke. Kenny says he might as well try it out, so he cuts loose with the sexiest of whistles, the Woody Woodpecker whistle. Instantly every woman on the planet gets wet. The two then proceed to shrilly repeat this whistle for thirty seconds over and over again, shrieking out their Turkish mating call and quickly becoming the two most irritating fuckers I've ever seen. Even the Wild and Crazy Guys had better technique.
A thunderclap cuts them off (?) and they wheel around to see a mob of spear-wielding skeletons on horseback attacking them. Well they're more sweaty Turks wearing skeleton t-shirts and helmets, but you get the picture. What's really funny is that most of the skeletons have pronounced beer guts that protrude under their fake ribcages. Instead of being alarmed by this (or at least doubled over in laughter) the two pilots put their hands on their hips and give the oncoming horde a bemused "well there's something you don't see every day" look. And instead of running away or seeking shelter, the two put up their dukes and start slugging it out! Cue the Indiana Jones music! They start easily dismantling the skeletons, pulling them off their horses and roundly beating the shit out of them. That's right: this is a movie about star pilots kung-fu fighting with skeletons. The skeletons get completely humiliated as Kenny proceeds to push the skeletons over and drops the People's Elbow on several of them. NK goes aerial, dropkicking several of the skeletons off their horses and vaulting over their backs to deliver spinning backfists to them as they regain their feet. The skeletons are getting so dominated that Kenny just starts sitting on their chests and rains down elbows on their faces. They also take the spears and run the skeletons through, for all the good impaling a skeleton does. And all the while, the movie is sped up to double-time to make the action look faster paced, but it really just ends up looking like a kooky Benny Hill chase.
The two pilots display amazing physicality as they're both able to vertically leap onto horseback standing and ride off as Indiana Jones reaches a crescendo. As they ride (Kenny looks like he's about to fly off the back of his horse and land right on his ass) we're assaulted with an extreme close-up of some ugly-as-hell alien, and then for no reason the devil leaps out and goes "blaaaaagggh!" The two ride past him without giving him a second glance. Kenny is bouncing around in his saddle so much, I guarantee you that his balls must have swollen to the size of grapefruits after that day of shooting.
Cut abruptly (let's face it, every cut in this movie is so abrupt I'm getting whiplash) to a network of caves that look to be inhabited by Cylons. The music crashed back frοm John Williams to Queen as Flash is crashing Ming's cruiser on planet Mongo. The Cylons watch the two pilots ride past and, not suffering any filthy meatbags to intrude on their turf, whip out their death rays and zap their horses. The heroes pick themselves up and, noticing themselves surrounded by Cylons, NK guesses "I think we have been captured."
The scene ends gracefully by ramming the camera into the nostril of an ugly alien who looks like Linda Hunt dunked in turquoise paint and wearing a green Bozo the Clown wig and a black pinstriped suit.
I'm fairly certain I've written about thirty sentences that have never been uttered before in the entire history of the English language just describing the total lunacy being displayed on the screen. I think I'm going out of my fucking mind.
Anyway, the Cylons take our dynamic duo to another group of human prisoners clad in sackcloth. Well I assume they're prisoners. They're not tied up or anything. They're more just milling around looking bored. Robbie the Robot comes down and gives them the dillie-o: they have to go into a gladiatorial pit and fight a bunch of swarthy dudes, and if they could die in a particularly damp way that'd be great. They watch as a couple of other prisoners step into the pit, and Mardi Darth eyeballs them menacingly, muttering something about how "the galaxy era is my immortality era." We get a POV shot frοm Darth's perspective, where it becomes obvious that he can't really see shit through his mask. Amidst all the fighting Robbie just seems to get pissed off, picks up a kid and starts strangling the cheese out of him, whipping him frοm side to side like a rag doll. Dayumn, I think Robbie went postal at some point, because he's officially sick of these meatbags.
Well that tears it for our heroes. They look at each other and cry out "Fight against injustice!" Then they grab the ropes that bind their waists and start swinging their skeleton captors around like a hammer throw. Dozens of skeletons rush to subdue them, but run straight into the buzzsaw combo of Kenny and Not Kenny. They completely humiliate the skeletons again, as well as several of the Cylon guards using the same tactic as before: really limp-wristed martial arts employing the heavy use of karate chops that whiff by a full two feet.. A group of people who look like castoffs frοm a community production of Godspell escape frοm the melee just as the numbers game starts to catch up to our heroes. They suffer a number of sword wounds and retreat frοm the field. The Godspell actors pull them into a hut to hide out as Mardi Darth realizes joyously that he has the chance to capture some humans. Robbie the Robot mobilizes his forces to scour the planet for them, which I'm sure isn't strictly necessary since they only ran about twenty yards away.
The heroes are taken to a cavern where a hippie commune tends to their wounds. Kenny hits it off right away with the woman tending them, who sort of looks like a cut-rate Sandahl Bergman frοm Conan the Barbarian. She's a savage woman with a leather headband enough bright red lipstick to make a clown weep in terror. Hey, she might be primitive, but a girl's gotta accessorize. They don't say anything, so much as share a flirtatious glance while John Williams' love theme frοm Raiders swells. Damn, that Kenny is a pimp. He didn't even have to resort to his Woody Woodpecker whistle that no woman can resist. Not Kenny (I still don't know this guy's name, I only know that he is Not Kenny) mutters something about wishing Kenny would keep his mind on more important things, but Kenny tells him to chill; that's why the last atomic war started, you know: people didn't know how to relax and laugh at stuff. I get the feeling Kenny wakes and bakes every day.
An old man enters the cave and greets them. Not Kenny asks who he is, to which the old man replies "I am an old man." Alright, smartass. If that's the way you want to play it. The old man tells them that he possesses the secrets of the galaxy, stuff he learned frοm the ancient civilization of humans that lived here once. They had the right idea, it seems, using their technology to make people happy, which totally explains why all their buildings were made of sandstone and they're all dead now. These people epitomized peace and brotherhood "because they were frοm the same tribe! The 13th tribe!"
Whaaaat? Oh come on, tell me you're not just directly stealing the backstory frοm Battlestar Galactica now, movie. The Old Man tells them that after the first atomic war shattered the Earth, one of the broken-off pieces drifted around in space, somehow sustaining life that became the mysterious 13th tribe of humanity. Now the Wizard commands this rock, the man who wants to conquer the rest of Earth. The Wizard being Mardi Darth, of course.
Cut to The Wizard as he, Robbie the Robot, and Space Lord Tom Selleck climb into the Millennium Falcon and fly back to Earth. The Wizard finally takes his mask off, probably because he keeps bumping into things because of the tiny eye holes. The Wizard sort of looks like a Rasputin-type fellow. Or maybe The Master frοm "MANOS:" The Hands of Fate with a beard. The Wizard gives the camera an aside, saying "I've come back for you, Earth! I've waited 1000 space years to destroy you." Ooooh, space years. That's a long time. "You'll be mine pretty soon!" he vows. Don't know when, but pretty soon!
Back at the cave, Kenny and Valeria are busy making moony-eyes at each other until Not Kenny stomps angrily into frame and literally scaring off the music. He shouts for Kenny to get off his ass so they can get this movie over with. He wants to go kick Mardi Darth's ass, and that ain't gonna happen sitting here with a cave full of flower children. So they venture off deeper into the caves and immediately get lost. Strange whooshing noises start to reverberate all around them in the cave, disorienting them even further. Suddenly they enter a burial chamber of some sort, where there are a ton of open sarcophagi. A bunch of mummies leap out of the caskets, walking with their arms raised in front of them like zombies to better brandish their claws. Since when do mummies have talons? A bunch of frenzied multicolored assassin monkeys burst through the stone walls and join the mummies in their attack like the Macho Man Randy Savage commanding frightened children to snap into a Slim Jim. The mummies look like normal guys covered in toilet paper. They rush into the chamber hooting and groaning in unison, but hilariously, the hippies fail to notice them completely until Valeria looks over, sees them, and screams in horror. You mean to tell me nobody heard a group of three ravenous berserker monkeys crashing through a cave wall like the Kool-Aid man? "OH YEAH!!"
The hippies, being waifish and stupid are no match for the mummy assault. One wonders how they survived here for so long sleeping next to a fucking nest of angry mummies, but I suppose that's a danger you're not likely to foresee. (But frοm now on, before I make camp, I'm checking for mummies.) The assassin monkeys start slashing the nightgown-wearing children to pieces. This continues for a minute or so until the heroes rush back in and start hockey-checking the monkeys and karate-chopping the mummies into submission. Actually, I'm not sure they're assassin monkeys, because one of them is covered in red fur. They sort of look like they just stepped off the Magical Mystery Tour, singing "I Am the Walrus" as they attack.
Kenny and Not Kenny attempt to lead the hippies to safety farther into the cave, which hardly seems like the sensible thing to do considering you're only likely to run into more mummies further underground. Meanwhile the director works feverishly to find a piece of the John Williams scores he hasn't ripped off yet. Then all of a sudden a cave sasquatch bursts through the stone wall and proceeds to femme-slap each and every child to death. It looks like the cave sasquatch is killing these children like an elderly woman fights off a purse-snatcher. The camera makes sure to slowly pan across the floor littered with the shattered, bloody bodies of two dozen kids before moving on. Thanks, movie. I needed that.
While our heroes escape, Mardi Darth lays out all the dead hippies in the now-emptied sarcophagi and starts sucking out all their blood through a bendy straw!! This process magically turns them into more mummies. This could be the greatest vampire ever, who drains his victims with a fucking crazy straw. Then we cut to Kenny feverishly "training" while a really cheesy rendition of the Galactica theme kicks in. It sounds like the beginning of an instructional video for a new process of manufacturing plastic sheeting made in the 70s. Kenny's training consists of him getting shirtless (hold the ladies back!) and wuss-slapping a rock like a girl. Not Kenny busies himself bench-pressing a heavy rock, then karate-punching a stalagmite. Valeria and her son busy themselves picking idly at an oleander bush. Kenny continues to brutally karate chop the hell out of a rock, for all the good that does. All of this looks much more likely to break your hands than bulk up for the ultimate showdown with the Big Badness of the galaxy.
Finally Kenny turns to look at the camera with his most badass "betta reccanize" look and then karate chops a boulder in half. Wow, that two hours they spent honing their kung-fu really made them into killing machines! That just goes to demonstrate the power of Kenny's pimp hand. You do not screw with the K-man. Not-Kenny busies himself slapping a sand dune (seriously), then they both tie boulders to their ankles and start hopping around like jackasses. After about two minutes of doing this, they develop the power to leap like they've got Flubber in their shoes and deliver jump kicks that shatter stone. Not only that, they kick the rocks so hard that they explode. Yet they still have the awesome, rippling physique of used car salesmen. But you can't argue with those results! Take that, Rocky training montages!
But Mardi Darth isn't slouching either. He's busy rebuilding his army of the undead, turning anyone who sympathized with the humans (whom I'm fairly certain were human too, so why doesn't he just harvest their brains?) into zombies with a magic yellow vortex. He also enlists the aid of more red-furry assassin monkeys, but little do they suspect that our heroes have learned to beat up mountains. The heroes bid Valeria a tearful farewell and then...uh, teleport to a nearby city. What?
They decide to stop off in the local cantina, and I think you know where this goes frοm here. They start sipping out of clearly empty glasses, which makes sense because they walked into this bar completely penniless and couldn't afford anything anyway. We also see footage frοm the Mos Eisley cantina crudely spliced in to give the cantina a little flavor, along with a few original creations made for this movie, most of which are so obviously made of paper mache that I nearly piss myself laughing. There's even one of the red assassin monkeys here, but I'm not sure if that's significant at all. The devil is also here, returned frοm his previous scene!
Then, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, a bar fight breaks out. Green Wig-Wearing Bozo Grandma throws a human across their table, while Out-of-Work Gladiator Man watches her back. Kenny and NK get pissed off by the fight spilling their tortilla chips so they leap into the fight. Kenny superkicks Bozo Grandma, when Kung-Fu-Manchu attacks in his patented blue silk kimono! Who the hell is this guy, and why is he fighting them? Kung-Fu-Manchu actually puts up a really good fight with Kenny, while NK brawls it out with a bunch of other out-of-work gladiators. Red Assassin Monkey Man sneak-attacks Kenny, but is quickly defeated. The Devil sits back, deciding to let this one play out before taking a side.
This fight continues on forever as we watch Kenny work over Red Assassin Monkey Man like a punching bag, even hitting him so hard it almost knocks his furry mask off. Eventually they leave every alien in the bar unconscious until they hear an ethereal, mysterious laughter echo throughout the cantina, accompanied by a Flash Gordon riff. Suddenly Mardi Darth teleports on top of one of the tables. He tells them not to bother trying to attack him, because he can multiply himself and can totally annihilate them with a thought. He explains that his power is infinite, and to demonstrate this, he puts a red filter over the camera lens. Oooooooh! He tells them that he's taken Kenny's girlfriend and the little boy prisoner at his palace, and if they want them back they'll have to come and get them. He flat-out tells the heroes it's a trap, but he doesn't care because they'll show up anyway because good is dumb.
Then Cylons teleport into the bar and kidnap them anyway.
At Darth's Party Palace, the heroes remark at what a cool place it is, and were even given awesome new brightly-colored space clothing. Say what you want about the Wizard. He might be a dick, but he knows how to treat his captives. Robbie the Robot separates them and puts Not-Kenny in a cell. Mardi Darth reminds his flunkies (again) that all he needs to conquer the Earth is a human brain, so he entrusts Queen Wonderella with the task. Wonderella teleports into Not-Kenny's cell in a provocative pose and works her seductive magic. Not-Kenny can hardly believe his luck, but isn't about to fall for any trickery frοm a woman wearing lycra and a crown frοm Burger King. Besides, he only digs Earth chicks.
Meanwhile, Kenny is brought in to see the Wizard. He offers to share his dominion with Kenny if he'll just hand over his brain, which seems like something of a losing proposition for Kenny. Who would want to rule over an empire without a brain? Well, I guess it's working all right for Paris Hilton...but anyway, Kenny says he'd much rather stomp a mudhole in his ass, which confuses the Wizard a great deal. He reminds Kenny, "Um, hello, my powers are infinite? Remember?" Then he holds out his magic staff and turns it into a lockbox. He opens it, revealing a fake plastic brain which the orchestral score seems to indicate is the most epic thing to happen to anyone, anywhere, EVER. Then he puts the brain away. I have no idea whose brain that's supposed to be, or why he showed it to Kenny, but not a bit of this makes a lick of sense anyway. Kenny goes on the usual hero spiel about how good will always triumph over evil, blah blah blah.
The Wizard taunts him by having his trained assassin monkeys bring in his girlfriend. This is the last straw for Kenny, who starts teaching a course in thuganomics to every poor bastard in the room. I know your power is supposed to be infinite, O Evil One, but might it not have been prudent to tie up the karate space pilots before bringing them into your throne room? Just like every other fight in the movie, he starts roundhouse kicking and karate chopping more skeletons and assassin monkeys. When you watch this scene, however, don't watch the fighting. Instead get a good chuckle at the bad editing and all the stuff that's going on in the background. The aliens all nicely wait their turn wayyyy off in the background, but you can see two or three guys in red furry costumes really trying to act like predatory animals, hands up in the air, shuffling back and forth like go-go dancers. The best part of this scene is when Kenny traps the arm of one of the red assassin monkeys, karate chops its arm off, and then stabs it in the fucking throat with its own FIST!!! And then he karate chops its OTHER arm off, and stabs it into the other side of his throat! Holy shit! And all completely bloodless, too!
Kenny is completely busting the shit out of every living thing in this entire palace by this point. One skeleton attacks him with his sword, which he catches in his mouth, and then breaks it with his own teeth into three pieces. Then he catches a pump-kick frοm a nearby gorilla, karate-chops its leg off, beats a skeleton to death with it, then punts the gorilla in the nuts. I mean honestly Kenny, you just tore its leg off, did you really need to pound it in the daddy region?
Meanwhile, Queen Wonderella is putting serious moves on Not-Kenny, and just when they start to tonsil-box, two assassin monkeys teleport into the room and try to strangle him. What the hell? Assassin monkeys can teleport now?! But it doesn't matter because Not-Kenny just kicks their asses and runs off to rejoin his partner. Not that Kenny needed any help, but together they start whomping down on the seemingly endless supply of skeletons and monkeys that the Wizard can summon. I'm not sure what's funnier: that there are never any bodies on the floor no matter how many enemies they defeat, or the two monkeys doing the electric slide dance in the background of every wide shot.
The Wizard is just teleporting around the room doing nothing constructive, but Lord Tom Selleck senses that they're losing the battle and commands his troops to "Warp them!" I'm not sure what happens next, because we hear a bunch of Star Wars blaster sound effects, and then our heroes are unconscious on the floor, surrounded by Cylons. Huh. Didn't expect that one. Mardi Darth laughs in victory and goes on to claim about how this proves how invincible he is.
The heroes are taken to the mummy caves, where monkeys torture them by pushing styrofoam blocks against their chest. The Wizard senses that this torture isn't cutting it, so he decides to bury them alive just to see how long they can endure it. The Wizard seems to think being covered in dirt is the most agonizing torture ever devised, so he dumps load on them. Not a lot mind you, because the heroes just sit up. This blows the Wizard away, like "how in the hell did they survive my ultimate torture?!" So he decides to take them back to the fucking gladiatorial arena, as if he didn't just witness firsthand that these two guys are nigh unstoppable in hand-to-hand combat.
Queen Wonderella snarks that it won't work because she thinks the humans are stronger than him. Bad move when your boss is the evil overlord of all creation. Mardi Darth turns around, says "oh yeah, weren't you the one who screwed up the simple mission to harvest the earthling's brain?" Speaking of which, boss, you've had these two guys unconscious and at your mercy about three times so far in this entire movie. You could have harvested their brains at any time you wanted, and yet you keep doing weird shit to them like burying them beneath an inch of dirt and throwing them into gladiator pits. Come on, dude! Just get a radial saw and chop their skull open. But everything has to be "just so" for the Almighty Wizard, so he turns Wonderella into a zombie with footage stolen frοm the Roger Corman movie The Magic Sword, and I can't fucking believe I'm such a bad-movie geek as to recognize that. Then he decides to polymorph her frοm a zombie to a tarantula. Whatever.
Kenny is sent back to the pits and forced to square off one-on-one with the Cave Sasquatch. Kenny inexplicably proceeds to baffle the creature by repeatedly leaping over its head (utilizing his natural 15-foot standing high-jump) and dodging its awkward swings. This continues for about two full minutes, where we just see monotonous, repeated shots of Kenny clearly leaping on trampolines. Eventually he tires of dancing around and starts using the trampolines to deliver missile dropkicks to the beast. The beast falls, so Kenny finishes it off with Bruce Lee's flying death stomp, where he jumps straight onto its ribcage with both feet.
The crowd riots, and Robbie the Robot does what he can to maintain order. He seizes Not-Kenny, but Kenny escapes with his girlfriend. Back at base, Mardi Darth seems to have finally had enough of this shit and says he's ready to harvest Not-Kenny's brain. Then the love theme frοm Indiana Jones starts up again and Kenny and Valeria share another moment. AGAIN. This is like the sixth time already. I mean JESUS, can we just move on? There was other music frοm Raiders, you fucking hacks.
This is where the movie gets really stupid. Yes, it gets dumber. Let that sink in for a moment. Stop reading. Close your eyes, and just imagine that.
The Old Man takes Kenny to a lost shrine and spends the next few minutes explaining more backstory. Apparently a few hundred years ago the world agreed on Islam as the one true religion, which has nothing to do with anything. What is significant is that the holy men harvested all the awesomeness of the universe and forged it into a magical sword, and to power it, they harnessed the mental energies of all mankind into a magical brain, and then hid both of them in the shrine, protected by a number of deadly booby traps. The Old Man quests Kenny with retrieving them so he can kill the Wizard. I repeat: his quest is to retrieve a sword and a magic gold brain.
They run around outside for a few minutes while being stalked by ANOTHER pair of red assassin monkeys. You'd think a couple of six-foot dopes in bright red furry costumes would be hard to miss in a desert, but Kenny doesn't see them. Just as Kenny approaches the magical shrine, a bunch of ninja guards wearing oil funnels attack, wielding nunchucks. Kenny pounds them all to death, finishing the last one off with a well-timed People's Elbow.
Once they get into the ancient temple, you'd better believe the Indiana Jones music kicks into a fever pitch. It's here that Kenny discovers the truth: that the 13th Tribe was led by Jesus Christ underground beneath a mountain of bronze that can repel radiation to construct technologically-advanced cities to protect them frοm the forces of darkness, And then Jesus also constructed the magical artifacts to fight the ultimate evil. Kenny finds the sword protected by a pair of Mexican wrestlers clad head-to-toe in gold lycra, and after beating Los Santos Amigos up he claims the mighty cardboard blade, an awe-inspiring weapon shaped like a four-foot lightning bolt. He also takes the Magical Golden Jesus Brain.
Not-Kenny meets them on their way out of the shrine. Kenny is overjoyed, when suddenly Not-Kenny grabs the Jesus Sword and attacks him with it! A betrayal! The two former best friends start brawling for their lives. Not-Kenny suddenly turns into the ogre frοm The Magic Sword, but Kenny thinks fast. He grabs up the Jesus Sword and stabs the ogre in the balls three times!! End of fucking story right there.
But it all turns out to be an illusion concocted by the Wizard, who is using Not-Kenny's brain to project the image of an ogre. He's got Not-Kenny tied up with phone cables and has him hooked up to a psychogizmic discombobulator. Kenny storms out of the temple on the warpath now. He cleaves apart a dozen more guards and runs back for the Wizard's palace, butchering every assassin monkey in his path. Four red monkeys assault him on a mountaintop, but he chops them into pieces. Although every time he kills one, the other monkeys seemingly disappear altogether, then reappear in the next shot. And even though only four attack him, he kills six. And it really must be noted that watching four men in red furry ape costumes attack a man wielding a giant cardboard lightning bolt is one of the least dignified things ever committed to film. If not the least dignified. And this is coming frοm a guy who personally recorded himself dancing to The Who in his underwear.
Kenny storms the fortress, killing all in his path until he rescues Not-Kenny frοm the psychotron. Not-Kenny demands the Jesus Sword, saying he's going to kill every last punkass in this castle. Kenny tells him to chill out; they need to focus on killing the Big Badness instead of wasting time chopping up low-level goons. But Not-Kenny is too pissed-off to listen to reason, and he knocks Kenny out with one punch and takes the sword. He runs off to the Old Man and gives him the sword and the brain, telling him to unlock their power so he can go kick some ass. But as soon as he hands over the artifacts, the Old Man turns into the Wizard! Fooled you!
Not-Kenny fights valiantly, but he's clearly outmatched by Mardi Darth's ability to cover the camera lens with his hand. All looks lost until Kenny saves the day by jumping off a cliff and dropkicking the weapons out of his hands. The Wizard throws down a smoke grenade and escapes. "I'm totally invincible with unlimited power! Bye now!" A dying hippie explains that as soon as Mardi Darth touched the magic stuff, he acquired the power necessary to conquer the earth. Somehow. I wasn't aware that's how it worked, but I'm beyond caring.
Not Kenny admits that this is probably his fault, but not to worry, he'll make it right. He charges out of the room to go kick some wizard booty, when suddenly the doorway explodes, mortally wounding him! What the shit?? Did the Wizard take the time to arrange claymore mines at all the exits before teleporting away? Kenny takes his wounded friend in his arms and forgives him for being such a dillweed. Not-Kenny seems inspired by this and says "For your sake, I won't die."
And then he dies.
Stricken with grief, Kenny takes the Magic Brain and the Jesus Sword and melts them. Interesting that magical gold artifacts will melt over a small campfire. He melts the items into a bucket and then plunges his bare hands into the molten gold. Incredibly, when he pulls his hands out, they're encased in golden plate mail gauntlets. For truly, that is the power of the Jesus Sword. Not only that, when next we see him, he's also wearing a pair of golden lace-up boxing boots. Truly this is the Armor of God! My question: why would you trade in a sword for a pair of gloves and some shoes? And that's assuming Kenny knew what would happen and wasn't just trying to kill himself in a really creative way. The only thing I can think of is that he couldn't bear to be seen swinging a cardboard sword anymore and decided to go with something a little more discreet. Although when you're starring in this movie, trying to save yourself frοm embarrassment is like rearranging deck chairs on the fucking Titanic.
I can barely stand to recap this movie anymore, because it's even more fisticuffs for the next ten minutes. This movie hasn't been short on action, but how long can I be expected to watch a Turkish guy kickbox dudes in monkey suits? And it's all so insane that even by the standards laid out by the previous eighty minutes, this climax is totally off the goofy scale. I'll try to sum up.
Kenny stands on a mountaintop and challenges the army of robots, mummies, skeletons, ape-men, and gladiators arrayed before him. He punctuates his challenge with a fruity Tai-Chi pose and farts yellow smoke. The Wizard laughs like Ming the Merciless and also farts yellow smoke. Then frοm out of nowhere a mob of angry villagers attack. Then they're gone. Then the evil army charges. Then the sun explodes. Then the villagers are back, and Kenny farts a yellow cloud to celebrate. Robby the Robot captures Valeria. Kenny uses his golden boots to leap around like an idiot. And all the while the Indiana Jones theme starts, stops, stutters, crashes, re-starts, and stops again.
Then suddenly we're back on the Death Star watching the firing commander prepare the main laser. Then for no reason Mardi Darth is back on the bridge ordering his X-Wings to attack. What the fuck is going on?? Dear God, I think this movie is starting over! Nooooo!
Then we're back on the planet surface where Kenny is still fighting the Wizard. So he's standing in two places at the exact same time? Cut back to the Death Star, where the Wizard is also commanding the super-laser to fire. The Death Star (which I thought was the shield covering the Earth, and it is, but we're clearly seeing it fire at the command of the bad guy at a planet that looks like Earth, which is supposed to be protected by the Death Star, but now it isn't, even though I can see X-Wings strafing the surface...) then destroys the planet.
Only it isn't. We're still on Earth, and Kenny is still fighting, even though we just saw the Death Star destroy the planet. The very same planet that the Wizard is standing on, meaning the Wizard was also standing on the Death Star which is supposed to be protecting the Earth meaning he's somehow found a way to fire on himself TWICE and cause a logistical paradox so profound even typing it out ought to be enough to destroy the galaxy in a storm of insanity.
Then the X-Wing pilots who are actually flying TIE Fighters get briefed on the assaulting forces, which is weird considering they all exploded. Confronted with this logic, they proceed to explode again. Then four red assassin monkeys charge the camera. I have officially gone out of my fucking mind. This is it. I'm done. I am now completely, hopelessly mad.
Kenny jump kicks a monkey so hard his foot blasts right through its chest. Then he backfists another so hard his torso snaps clean away at the waist. Then he just figures "fuck it" and starts just punching peoples' heads off. Then stormtroopers attack. Only they go away. Then the mummies attack in a wave of toilet paper fury while on the bridge of the Death Star the Wizard drones on and on about how badass invincible he is, prodding his forces to "destroy the earth! Destroy the humans!" I've heard these lines so many times I don't think I've ever heard him say anything else. Kenny rips the head off a mummy, then throws it into the chest of another mummy which then for no reason EXPLODES. He threw a mummy head so far...it EXPLODED.
"The world will be destroyed," the Wizard adds. I FUCKING KNOW ALREADY, YOU ASSHOLE! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Then Mexican wrestlers attack! Why are they on the Wizard's side?! I thought they were protecting the Jesus sword! Now Robbie the Robot has had enough of Kenny's kung-fu and he leaps into battle, shooting death rays all over the place! Kenny jumps through the beams and starts pummeling the fuck out of Robbie, finishing him by backfisting his dome off! Holy crap, he just beat the crud out of the robot frοm Lost in Space!
And...now we're seeing footage frοm some weird Sodom and Gomorrah movie. What the...?
I love that Kenny is just unloading on the Wizard and he just stands there taking it with a retarded look on his face.
And now Kung-Fu-Manchu, The Devil, and Green Bozo Grandma attack! And another Cave Sasquatch! Kenny stomps on its head like Super Mario and decapitates it like pulling off a Snapple cap! A dozen more apes get their heads pulled off by the time the Cylons attack. Finally Mardi Darth enters the fight, throwing his magical spear at Kenny, but misses. Then we see him mentally summon the spear back into his hand (actually, it's clearly a grip just off-screen tossing it to him). He turns his spear into giant shuriken frisbees, which Kenny deflects with his gauntlets straight into the attacking Cylons. Kenny leaps around, which appears to greatly disorient the Wizard. He looks around quizically, as if he lost sight of Kenny in the sun. Here's a tip, bro, take your mask off. Kenny starts soccer-kicking boulders at the Wizard-- which if you'll remember he can do so hard that the rocks explode. He kicks one rock into a pile of other boulders that spontaneously appears at the Wizard's feet, all of which detonate instantly. This stuns the Big Bad, allowing Kenny to rip his mask off and karate chop him in the top of the head so hard that he splits him in half frοm stem to stern! Jesus FISH!
And then for sake of plot convenience, all of Mardi Darth's ships spontaneously explode. Kenny ditches his lame primitive girlfriend, and steals the Millennium Falcon so he can go back to Earth and score with some real babes. This is officially the worst movie I've ever seen. I don't think I can ever claim to have witnessed a story that was more insipid than the intro to Zero Wing, but by God the Turks found one. I made the grave mistake of attempting to watch this movie sober, and I fear I may have caused myself irreparable brain damage just trying to make sense of it.
Watch this movie, I fucking dare you. And when you're done with that, consider this: there's going to be a sequel. I just read about it. It's happening.
I think you'd all better get that rubber room ready. I'll be checking in shortly.