The new year’s started off on the wrong foot for poor ol’ me, but luckily, a crippling foot injury isn’t much of a deterrent to watching awful movies and playing some crappy games. My trusty and busty nurse has been tending my wounds and giving my bone special attention, and in the meantime I’m getting ready for this year’s new batch of reviews!
And there’s a lot of ’em. I needed to write them all down just to keep them straight in my head!
Captain America & Captain America 2: Death Too Soon – I heard about some other poser movie based on Captain America, but when you’re looking for a real American hero who can beat the enemies of truth, justice, and democracy into every shade of red, white, and blue, just look for Brown. Reb Brown! Yes, Reb starred in two made for TV Captain America flicks that kept to the core of Cap’s character, like his panel van and his super-motorcycle, while discarding all of that Nazi-punching and shield-tossing that bogged the comics down.
Party Mania! – The Blagho is a nexus of the multiverse, a pan-dimensional vortex of hypertime where realities shift and blend. Marvel as we peer into one of these Elseworlds, a strange world where a female Spoony gets together her girlfriends to review a VHS board game far more vile, shocking, and evil than any Nightmare could conjure! It’s Party Mania, a game about doing your chores and getting your clothes, nails, jewelry, hair, and makeup just right so one of the too cute boys at the party will totally crush on you! Let’s go to the mall!
Lords of Magick – Zounds and forsoothe! ‘Tis truly one of the greatest sword-and-sorcery tales ever filmed! And I, your humble bard and storyteller, will spin this tale for thee anew! Beware the sacrilege!
Hudson Hawk (Movie/NES) – It was one of the most notoriously bad celebrity vanity vehicles ever made! Thrill as Bruce Willis (lead singer of Bruno) makes a madcap caper comedy about a swingin’, singin’ cat burglar embroiled in Illuminati conspiracy theories and cracking the Da Vinci Codex. Oh, but what could be worse than this infamous box office bomb? The NES game based on it, of course! I’m sure there are enough Spoony clones to go around to review all of this nonsense.
Star Trek: Klingon REVISITED – Remember when I could only take the Power Klingon language course, and I couldn’t get the actual game to work? Well now the review can be completed! The game works, and it’s time to heat up the holodeck for a journey to Kronos. How much shame could I possibly bring to my house? I paid attention to the Rosetta Stone lessons…
Ripper – And don’t forget the cyberpunk murder mystery! The series continues soon! Do you know whodunnit yet?
SWAT 4: Mission #13 – The final mission of the game awaits. Will Lieutenant Spoony recover from his foot injury and repeated retinal burns from staring at flashbangs? Will he continue on to battle the Stetchkov Syndicate? Or will someone else get in his way?