No doubt you’ve noticed a pretty steep drop-off in production around here. It’s taking a lot longer to turn around reviews than it used to, and I feel I owe you guys an explanation since you’ve been some of the best and most loyal fans I’ve ever known.
I have to preface this explanation by saying I’m living the dream, being able to entertain you all and bitch about stuff online. This really is a dream job, and I absolutely love doing it. No matter how annoyed I may seem or stressed things get for me, I’ve never “lost my smile” when it comes to making videos. I don’t need a vacation from video production; it’s a little more complicated than that. Well, complicated, and at the same time, very simple.
I sleep too much. Way too much. The past eight months or so, I’ve been dealing with a severe drop-off in my energy and mental faculties. I keep a strange schedule, it’s true, but I do tend to sleep a regular 6-8 hours a day. The problem comes in that several times during the day, I feel a sudden, almost irresistible urge to take naps, and these naps can take anywhere from 1-4 hours. All-told, I’ve been sleeping anywhere from 10-14 hours a day, and it’s been absolutely crippling my ability to produce videos. Even during my waking hours, I’m tired and I find it nearly impossible to concentrate or get motivated to do things. I’m sure many of the snarkier people out there will simply say I’m lazy– and believe me, it really felt that way for a long time. It’s become something of a downward spiral, feeling like you’re lazy, you’re not getting anything done day after day, which only in turn makes me even more stressed out and causes me to push myself too hard. There’s so many demands on my time, so many people I have obligations to, and the urgency to make money (or I don’t eat) that it was enough to send me into panic attacks. I was getting nothing done and spending my few waking hours having anxiety attacks.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that eight months ago, my personal life was thrown into a lot of upheaval. It’s been tough dealing with that. I think it was the catalyst that put me in my current state, but it’s not the underlying problem. I finally saw a doctor about it who diagnosed it as a case of textbook depression, which is a commonly misunderstood problem. It’s not just “being sad,” and it’s not the sort of thing you can just snap yourself out of. It’s not simple sadness or laziness. While counseling can help, depression is also a physical brain chemistry problem, and sometimes that can put a person in a hole it’s impossible to climb out of on his own.
Anyway, I’ve been seeing doctors quite frequently that past few months, since I haven’t had much luck with depression medication up to now. I’ve tried stuff like Cymbalta and Wellbutrin without any measurable success, and I’m currently on Viibryd. But depression meds aren’t “happy pills” and they’re not an instant fix; they take time (near a month or more) before you can see any noticeable changes in a person. It’s partly a matter of experimentation, since everyone’s different and it takes a lot of time to find the right medications that I’ll respond to. For me, it’s a strange ambivalent feeling of urgency to get the problem fixed, get back on track, and make some more videos– I really WANT to do more, and there’s so much work that needs to be done. But it’s also mixed with the need to be patient, since these things take time to show results. So this is the sort of problem that’s taking a long time to resolve itself, since there’s not really a quick-fix to depression.
Anyway, it’s been a long 8 months, seeing doctors, getting tests for sleep apnea, and experimenting with medications. Hopefully soon I’ll find what works best for me, and finally be able to get back to my old self. I hope you understand that I have not abandoned you guys; my drive to finish videos and entertain is greater than ever. I want to get Final Fantasy done too, as well as hundreds of other things. It’s just taking me a little longer than I anticipated. You’ve been very patient through these tough times and I sincerely thank you for sticking with me. I just ask for your understanding. I am working on videos, but right now it’s an uphill climb for me until my mental well-being is more stable.
Thanks for reading this far. Hopefully soon this problem will be behind me, and video production will be back to (or better than) normal.