The Insano Files: World Domination Plan #402

The Spoony One | Sep 3 2009 | 

While most research has focused on cybernetics, robotics, and nanotechnology as the most efficient and plausible means of world domination (necromantic and biological studies being harder to control, slower, and harder to mass-produce), there are certain species on this planet that I may have overlooked. Plan #307 was something of an underachievement, as the robotic suicide squirrels, while effective, were too easily distracted by the urge to mate and small pieces of fruit.

The ape, however, has a great track record of success in the world-conquering department because of their sheer numbers and staggering physical strength. Humanity has a tendency to underestimate them because of their relative mental deficiencies and lack of foresight and leadership. Leadership which I, Doctor Insano, could easily provide.

Cybernetic enhancement and brainwashing should be a simple task (stupid monkeys).

My initial battle strategy must rely on the ape’s natural speed, aggression, and ruthlessness to overawe the Earth’s pathetic armies and encourage a swift surrender. To wit: legions of shock troops with a single power that enhances their already-fearsome assault.

My plan:

FIRE APES ON FIRE


FIRE APES ON FIRE.


Speed and efficiency are key. Much like the aliens in the movie Signs, this plan has only a limited timeframe before a defense can be mounted with garden hoses and Super Soakers. Even so, initial projections of success are very encouraging, as test subjects confronted with a fiery fucking ape crashing through their fucking wall had a 92% probability of losing their fudge completely.

This plan has the added benefit of minimizing the risk of an eventual ape rebellion, since the survival rate of the flaming apes has been slight.