WWE Raw Live Bloggin’

The Spoony One | Mar 15 2010 | 

* Odds that Cena sells the beating he sustained from half the locker room: 1,000,000 to 1.

* Cole doesn’t manage to get 15 seconds into the broadcast before declaring this to be a “vintage episode of Raw.”

* If you’re ready to be reminded of how much better the Attitude era was than this crap, gimme a “Hell yeah!”

* Sure enough, Cena frolicks all the way to the ring after being killed dead last week with about 8 different finishing moves. Do you see why kids love this guy, and anyone with half a brain hates him? By prancing out like this, he’s completely burying the entire roster.

* Wow, the crowd smells it, too. Cena gets pretty much brutalized by the live crowd when they realize Cena doesn’t hold a candle to Austin’s old greatness.

* Big Show vs. Cena– wait, actual wrestling! QUICK! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

* The Five Knuckle Shuffle is the stupidest move currently in wrestling. You already knew that, but seriously, piss on that move.

* And Cena no sells Show’s chokeslam. You could shoot this guy with a rocket launcher and he’d still kick out at 2.9.

* Looks like they’re feeding Evan Braun to Sheamus again. Poor guy.

* Actually, Sheamus gets a lot of hate, but I’m really loving his character right now. It’s rare to actually have a non-chickenshit heel monster around nowadays with a fair amount of credibility.

* I miss Jericho ever since he was banned from Raw.

* Dear Kelly: never wrestle again. Ever.

* Jericho vs. HBK is a hard match to book. Shawn needs to kill this guy, since Taker just straight-up murdered four men on Smackdown, but Jericho’s the World Champion, so he can’t.

* Jericho bails and takes the count-out, only to run into Edge. That’ll be a great match at Wrestlemania, but I’m really not feeling this whole “spear, spear, spear” gimmick, trying to turn Edge’s flying hug into some kind of deathblow.

* Oh sweet Christ, it’s Orton vs. HHH again, or as I like to call it: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

* How in the hell is anyone supposed to give a shit about the Legacy triple-threat at Wrestlemania? Everybody involved in that match is a weaselly, conniving prick that the audience wants to see die in a thresher. It might help if they had a single solitary person in that match to cheer for, but Randy, the de facto face, doesn’t seem to feel like it.

* Wow, I wasn’t expecting much from Kofi vs. Batista, but what really set this match alight was the point where Dave got busted open after getting kicked in the face. Dave touches his cut, looks at the blood, and you can just see his expression change to “NO WAY YOU LIVE.” Like, he was being a nice guy until we started doing this kicking-in-the-face bullshit. Batista just goes postal and powerbombs the Jesus out of Kofi. Unusual finish, too, considering how afraid WWE is of having the talent bleed.

* Bret was faking the leg injury. I’m sure there’s a four year old kid somewhere absolutely stunned by this twist.

* Was there a single match in this entire show that didn’t end in a massive clusterfuck run-in from about four other people?