Yor is no longer the man.

The Spoony One | Jul 11 2009 | 

Charlie72 from the forums has found something even more astounding then killing a giant bat, hoisting it over your head, and using it to hang-glide into the mouth of a cave to attack an entire race of purple cavemen.

Don’t get me wrong, if you could weaponize those levels of awesomeness you could kill millions. That was pretty goddamn badass, but during a particularly heated debate on who is the manliest man in the Final Fantasy series– a debate that had really narrowed down to two people: Cyan from Final Fantasy VI and Auron from Final Fantasy X…

I’m derailing that previous train of thought to simply say that Auron is immediately disqualified because if there is a series of games that is somehow ass-stupider and more painful to play than Final Fantasy VIII, it’s Final Fucking Fantasy X. Sure, there is something to be said about a dude for whom dying only served to piss him off, and decides to fight one-handed with his absurdly huge fucking sword because using both just wouldn’t be sporting, but if he really wanted to win me over he would have gutted that grinning little blond punkstain Tidus within five minutes of meeting him and killed that fuckmelon Wakka by feeding him his own blitzball.

Sorry. I think you know by now that I have some…well, let’s call them rage issues with the Final Fantasy series. Where was I?

Oh, right. Trains. Well, Cyan is a badass, no doubt about it. He overcomes a ton of adversity, but even so, you’re forgetting Sabin Figaro, a man whose kung-fu is so strong that he can kill you with the wind from his punches alone. Dude can lift a fucking house for six minutes.

But even more badass than that?

MOTHERFUCKER SUPLEXED A TRAIN.

Chuck Norris can choke on DEEZ NUTS.

I need a towel.