Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

The Spoony One | Nov 19 2011 | more notation(s) | 

Spoony joins with JewWario and Linkara to vent over the latest installment in the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. And there is booze.

  • http://twitter.com/big_boy_gamer John Moore

    first

  • jake

    YES!!!
    YES!!!

  • http://twitter.com/Adde9200 Andreas Norman

    I love how Oreo is goofing off in the background, she’s so cute :D

  • http://twitter.com/Lukael Lukaël

    Let your conference callers talk, man. XD

  • http://twitter.com/big_boy_gamer John Moore

    you guys should do this every week

  • Sky Render

    I wonder how long it’ll be before people dub this film “Breaking Down” instead…

  • http://twitter.com/paburu Juan Pablo Lomeli

    Dude, you really look “beaten” take a week vacation and don’t think about the twilight saga, at least you know there’s going to be one last movie, just one more and that’s it, twilight will be finished

  • http://twitter.com/Lukael Lukaël

    Seriously man, at the 12 minutes mark, you interrupted Linkara like three times in a row, he couldn’t say what he had to say AT ALL. That’s just rude. :/

    • Anonymous

      He interrupted because he was reacting to the rum which was too strong and too much. For a guy who doesn’t drink all that booze I’m surprised he was able to talk coherently.

    • http://twitter.com/Linkara19 Lewis Lovhaug

      Oh, I didn’t mind.  XD  It’s his site, after all.  We were mainly there for moral support and give him something to bounce his rants off of.

    • Anonymous

      It’s his video, it wasn’t really supposed to be a conference review or debate, Linkara & JewWarrio were just there to keep the video from becoming a maudlin, uncomfortable, depressing self-pity party about his ex-girlfriend.  It was Linkara’s job to keep Spoony on track & engaged, but then to shut up & let him talk unless he started to go on about Scarlett.

  • http://twitter.com/armads Armads

    Edward has the same face as Dixie Carter on camera. 

  • http://twitter.com/armads Armads

    Edward has the same face as Dixie Carter on camera. 

     

  • http://twitter.com/Jstr4life Kevin G. McGill Jr.

    2 things:
    1. Now I have the song “Rio” by Duran Duran in my head… so thanks for that.
    2. Am I alone in having my mind go straight to Zack and Miri make A Porno when you said, “Lets’s do this!” Just imagine Edward saying, “Let us f***!”

  • http://twitter.com/tpayne8888 tpayne8888

    God this movie was bad

  • Matthew Ishola

    Poor Linkara :P I get that this is a Vlog but it’s way too unstructured for a three way call. Still enjoyed it but it would probably be better if they’re actually there or go it alone…

  • http://twitter.com/Bassman_PhD Ben H.

    I’m 25 minutes in.  You are very jovial when you drink.

  • http://twitter.com/SolidGoldCEO SolidGoldCEO

    Vampires don’t really have a pulse so how do they get enough blood pressure up to get a hard-on?To be fair Bella probably didn’t think that Edwards necrotic seed could swim.

    • Anonymous

      Say what you will about Anne Rice but her vampires were some of the few I really liked mainly because they were basically incapable of sex. Since there was a sciencey type explanation for them it was taken into account. That said, if you are going with magical vampires ala Dracula then the sex aspect doesn’t bug me since they are magical beings, cursed by God and nature, not some sub-species of human that has existed for untold eons of time. Combining both is where the trouble begins.

  • http://twitter.com/big_boy_gamer John Moore

    Spoony needs to start releasing his vlogs in mp3 format, either that or he should just start a podcast where he watches a bad movie every week and talks about it with a different channel awesome person.

    • http://www.projectharuhi.net Jon

      That’s a terrific idea.

    • http://spoonyexperiment.com The Spoony One

      If you go to the video on blip.tv there is an option to download it as an mp3.

      • http://twitter.com/Dr_Gonzo35 Matt McCoy

        I can’t find it on the webpage.  :(

  • http://soldierhawk.wordpress.com/ SoldierHawk

    Best opening line ever. :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Deanna-Jackson/617808744 Deanna Jackson

    LOL!  Spoony should drink more often.  XD Also, another good spiced rum is Sailor Jerry.

  • http://twitter.com/MightyNeonFraa Nick Hodgson

    Spoony: Hold on, I’m gonna switch from the rum to the whiskey.

    Me: Oh, god, no! Spoony, don’t do it! YOU FOOL!!

    • Anonymous

      When he said that, me & JewWarrio said “Bad Idea!” out loud together in perfect unison.

    • Anonymous

      “it looks like PISS!”

      (me)”You’re gonna wish it TASTES like it in a moment!”

      Gotta hand it to him though, he sure took both alcohols well.  I AM a guy who likes to drink, but even I wuss out when it comes to drinking hard liquor straight.  So Spoony’s got stones!

      • Anonymous

        JARATE!!

        • Anonymous

          It seems I have been shown who iz ze boss! 

          • Anonymous

            rofl.

            Thank you.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/MultiPplProductions MutiPplProductions

    Spoony you are hilarious 

  • http://twitter.com/KamenRiderGumo William Bumgarner

    Epic Spoony vlog on my birthday – few things could top this. Sorry you had to suffer for our entertainment, dude, but this was hilarious to watch.

  • Dan Cochran

    that is the most amazingly pitiful awesome thing ever!

  • Anonymous

    This movie – no, the trailers are so bad that I had to grab a beer just to stomach listening to a second-hand account of it.

    I wish I had a goblet of that Kraken though.

  • Anonymous

    im with you FUCK breaking dawn Fuck the next part yo Bella you wanna feel edward inside you stick a fucking ice pop up your gash abd Rio fucking Rio ok then lets see your ass shine up like a god damn disco ball i dont give a damn if you got your own island ships could mistake you for morce code and no protection how god damn dum do you have to be anyway hes dead hows his sperm alive god i hope we see this fucking baby chew its way out like alien whoo ok im better ALL HAIL THE LORD OF TEKKEN,LINKARA AND JEW WARIO

  • http://twitter.com/Bassman_PhD Ben H.

    Actually, the reason why the Twilight series is so disregardent of vampire lore (and so bad from a storytelling standpoint and) is that the whole series is based on a dream Stephanie Meyer had.

    I hope that “Oh Louis, you ignorant slut,” becomes an internet meme.

    You know, you are the only person who can make a drunken hour and a half vlog review feel like 30 minutes of awesome.  I had a lot of fun with this video, I’m actually kinda sad that you’re not seeing BD part 2, as your twilight vlog reviews tend to be some of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.  But yeah, thanks for sitting through this, I had a lot of fun, and I know that there are other things you would rather do, so thanks!

  • Anonymous

    I’m seriously doubting this video is going to stay up once Spoony gets sober. But in the meantime, fucking hilarious.

  • James Clark

    I was laughing my ass off until the end when Spoony started feeling sorry for himself:(
    We all love you Spoony hang in there

  • Anonymous

    The only thing more ponderous than watching a vlog entry for a vapid tween movie that’s 90 minutes long is that said vapid tween movie is still longer. 

  • http://twitter.com/GamerGeeksTodd Todd Hargosh

    “He owns a whole fucking island and doesn’t even have an Xbox?”
    Hell, at least Bill Compton owns a Wii!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1441642492 JoeCB91

    I feel your pain.

  • Anonymous

    UGh, this thing is a real POS; if you want a palate cleanser go pick up ‘Monster Hunter International’ and give it a read.  This film could only be improved by a team of hunters moving in and terminating that sociopath and her mutant abomination child.

  • Anonymous

    Never had Whiskey, but I loves me a good rum (and I’ll take suggestions for both; I don’t drink often and would prefer to avoid the bad stuff).

    Anyway…Twlight. Ugh..
    From what I’ve been able to glean, the entire premise of this series boils down to this: To stretch the idea of a “One True Destined Romance” out to its absolute breaking point in an effort to milk a cash cow as hard as it’s tits can take it.

    Twilight is a series that sells because it’s designed to over-emphasize the romance and to abjectly push aside ANYTHING else (including common sense and logic. this is a “story” of Pathos); Bella and Edward don’t continue their education, they don’t have interests or hobbies, and they don’t ever DARE stray from “the plot” because the only parts of them that we’re meant to see or focus on is the their alleged destined “love” for each other.

    And quite frankly, that’s the absolute *worst* way to write a book or tell a story.

    Instead of creating characters with which the audience can connect to and relate with, we get cliches who exist solely to pander to the audience (tangentially this, in my opinion, is what separates porn from a sexy or romantic story).

    I just find it infuriating beyond reason that Stephanie Meyers is probably going to be remembered as one of the most “influential” and “successful” writers in my lifetime. And quite frankly, she doesn’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve a tenth of her success.

    She’s a hack writer who stumbled into success, which has become overblown due to marketing phenomenon. It’s a sickening story of our time when our culture promotes and celebrates such a shallow, vacuous, and useless piece of trash literature.

    I give James Cameron shit for filming the two most overrated movies in the history of cinema, but at the same time I give him respect and props for his talent and tradecraft.
    There is NOTHING that redeems these awful movies. Riffing is good fun, don’t get me wrong, but you would NEVER wish for culture to reward an Uwe Boll-grade film with this sort of roaring success.

    But that’s the kind of world we live in, and it’s why we don’t have so many truly great movies today.
    Because this pandering shit gets green-lit first.

    Now *I* need a drink…excuse me.

  • ApatheticOne (the original)

    Wait…so Edward CHEWS the baby out of her stomach? Well hell, now I have to go see it…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ZLSYFJYO6LQWVKOLAMDM3QHIRQ Daniel

    How I hate people who drink half a cup of orange juice with two drips of gin and then pretend they are fucking drunk out of their ass. You know, like they show drunks on screen.

    • http://spoonyexperiment.com The Spoony One

      Dude, I wasn’t pretending at all.  I’m a complete lightweight when it comes to drinking and this was pretty much my first ever night of serious alcohol consumption.

      • https://plus.google.com/u/0/101936112823141032944/about TheNinjaMax

        I imagine that film would drive any sober man to shoot some rum and whiskey down the hatch. I mean, it’s only Twilight: one of the worse plagues to infect Hollywood since Batman & Robin.

        I think the occasion calls for some unadulterated drinking binge to post on the web. But that’s me. :D

    • Anonymous

      Well, you have to take into consideration that Kids in the states don’t really get their hands on serious alcohol early like for example here in bavaria ;-)

    • Anonymous

      Yeah considering that Spoony already admitted himself that he doesn’t drink, that’s completely believable that it effected him pretty quickly. It’s not like he was drinking light beer either.

    • Anonymous

      How I hate people who are overly assuming and know it alls when it comes to others, comparing their life experience to everyone around them as if looking through a partially closed doorway and assuming they see and know it all, then go on to make a comment about such assumptions in a snide way. 

      He hadn’t slept in forever and he drank.  Those two combinations, especially if he hadn’t eaten recently, would get him super drunk.  You can tell after he quit he was slowly sobering because he wasn’t so laughy and more focused, but still had a buzz.  The last ten mins, which I felt for him, you could tell he was still under the influence since he opened up about his troubles.

    • Jacob Johnson

      Spoony had four shots worth of liquor in 15 minutes on 36 hours of sleep and isn’t a drinker to boot. Cut him some slack. I know I wouldn’t mind a hard drink or five after sitting through an atrocious pile like Breaking Dawn on no sleep.

    • Anonymous

      Within the first 50 minutes he had more than 8 shots. We can assume that he had no real food within the past couple of hours. Maybe some snacks or a bit of popcorn. On 36 hours of sleep. He held up pretty fucking well.

  • http://twitter.com/mlsterben Ben Littlejohn

    Drunk Spoony is a jolly Spoony. :D

  • http://twitter.com/Enerccio Peter Vanusanik

    Hey spoony, can you make lets play Saints Row 3? I saw it on your table and its awesome game!

  • Brad Eppes

    Wait. Is Scarlet past tense? Both times he refers to her its like they aren’t together anymore. I don’t know why I care about that but I do . . . 

    Maybe its because he has been so open about other things that you’d think he’d have mentioned it at some point. (Of course, I’ve not watched absolutely everything Spoony has been in).

    • Anonymous

      You’ve, uh…, missed a lot. 

    • http://shadowdancersworldo.blip.tv/ Shadowdancer21b

      Scarlett and Noah broke up in February 2011.  She’s not the webmistress anymore either.  It was discussed in the forum and nowhere else.  We don’t have any details and neither of them are talking about it.  I guess things just didn’t work out. 

      • Brad Eppes

        Thats cool. I don’t expect details. I was just surprised because of Noah’s usual candor. But with another party involved it makes sense that he’d be more discrete than usual.

    • Mark B

      They aren’t together anymore. He quietly mentioned this a few months back, but didn’t want to discuss it to avoid fanboys bashing her or anything.

  • Anonymous

    “Oh Lewis, you ignorant slut.” – Incredible. Drunk Spoony is awesome.

  • Josh silverwood

    This is funny, but now I’m quite worried about spoony. Hope he’s okay.

  • Josh silverwood

    This Video is great and funny. But I’m actually now quite worried about spoony. Hope the guys going to be okay.

  • Brad Eppes

    I have to say. I’m Pro-Life but in this case I agree with Spoony. A half vampire baby that everyone is telling you is going to kill you, I think you’re okay to get an abortion this one time. 

    • Brad Eppes

      I just went on record with my real name and face as a pro-lifer on the internet. (starts breathing into a bag). Its ok . . . its ok . . . 

      • Anonymous

        Aww damn, that was a bad decision. Good luck, dude.

        Me, I’m kind of trying to stay the fuck away from that topic. I kinda see the points on both sides and I just don’t even want to touch the issue (although, I’m pretty clearly against making it illegal because that’s been tried and it doesn’t work; people just do it on their own if they have to). But yeah, there are cases where it’s just obvious that abortion is the most reasonable option. Fuck Stephanie Meyer for trying to brainwash girls with this bullshit.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t think you can really even apply this situation to any real-world abortion debate, at least on religious grounds.  This hypothetical situation (besides being badly written) involves what any church would consider to be a hellspawn or demon baby of supernatural origin.  The religious pro-life people hold that all human life is sacred, but this isn’t human, they would consider it literally Of The Devil.  (Hell, you could probably make a good case for it being a strong candidate for the Anti-Christ)  Any church would probably *insist* on an abortion and probably wouldn’t even consider it an abortion but rather something more like an exorcism.  

          -Which might have actually been an interesting place to take the story.  But no, in Stephanie Myers’ vapid little Universe Vampires aren’t demons or Dammed Souls, they’re sparkly, brooding outcasts from 90′s Boy Bands.

          • Brad Eppes

            Yeah, that’s basically what I meant. Near certainty of death plus this is a case where we know the baby is likely to be a monster. And its not even hypothetical. I’m not going to get into it but everything they’ve set up till this point would suggest that this baby is going to be a voracious depraved monster (its pure Author Fiat if that turns out not to be the case). 

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        RAPE HIM!

  • Leena Hölttä

    This movie sounds like complete bullshit. I have to see it :D Just so I can troll all the insane twitards ^.^
    And drunk Spoony = really adorable xD The giggling!!!! :D :D

    And Oreo is so cute! :D

  • Anonymous

    You know what would improve the Twilight saga? If Mustache dad found out about this whole fucked up situation with the vampires and took on the job of the vampire slayer. Just imagine that guy with his stylish mustache and a bloody trench-coat covered in stakes and an assortment of bladed weapons going to town on the Cullen family and eventually having to decide if he should end the life of his now undead daughter and daywalker grandchild.

    Now that would be a good movie.

    • Anonymous

      Man, that would be awesome, and an actually engaging story.  I can just imagine him shotgunning down vampires, then decapitating them with a kukri. 

    • Jayden Reynolds

      Hollywood, please make this.

    • Skelemelon

      THIS is the kind of parody-type movie we need. Not Vampires Suck. Mustache Dad could go back home after the wedding, and we watch as he goes downstairs. He reveals that he has a bunch of pictures on a cork board and strings connecting them or something, showing that he’s been onto them the whole time, and has developed a full armory. Then he works his way through all of the vampires and werewolves, which are all exaggerated versions of the characters. Then when he makes it to Bella and her daughter, they have a conversation and she fools him into thinking she’s fine, and they have a hugging/crying scene, then start to walk away. She stops, and when he turns, she’s evil and crazy and he has to fight and kill both her and her demon spawn baby.

      • http://www.facebook.com/ryan.all.7 Ryan All

        The only problem is it’s impossible to kill a Twilight vampire unless you’re one :P

        • Skelemelon

          Was Stephanie Meyer even TRYING to make sense?

        • Fueldrop

          Nuclear ordinance doesn’t care if you sparkle. Nuclear ordinance doesn’t care if you can turn into bad CGI or speed up the film.
          Granted, there’s a limit to the tactical applications of nukes, but fortunately vampires like their privacy and live a way out of town. Far enough that a tactical nuke can take out the whole clan with minimal collateral.

          Napalm is also fun.

  • Sarah Zaccardi

    D: Holy crap, it’s really that awful? I mean…I knew it was going to be bad, but I at least thought it’d be FUNNY bad…the other movies were funny bad…

    But THIS. This just sounds like the most boring, bad movie.

    Mustache dad should get his own movie where he fights supernatural bad guys to deal with the fact his daughter is the spawn of satan. His mustache gives him strength.

  • Julie S

    First, I am thankful for never, EVER geting into Twilight because it never got my interest.  I’ve got several cousins who are really into the “series” and I never understood the appeal.  The idea of romanticizing vampires was just stupid to me, the scenes I did see from the movie never got me interested, and it just looked downright dull.  Plus, Vampires do NOT sparkle.

    After watching this all the way through, I have to say I admire your courage to watch and review this crap.  Doing this with Linkara and Jew Wario was an added treat.  Doing this while geting drunk is just an incredible thing to watch. (I don’t drink alcohol of any sort at all.  Only had a bit of champaigne at a New Years party years ago and that was it.)  You are actually a very amusing and coherant drunk.

    I admit, I was laughing quite a lot during this.  Partially due to your reactions to the whiskey and rum you drank, but mostly for your comments on the movie along with Linkara and Jew Wario’s comments.  I did, however, felt sorry for you several times during this, especially when you said you went to see the others with your ex-girlfriend.

    Still a really great review on a shitty movie.  Agreed with you on a lot of the stupidity and the idea of spliting this into two films.  Love your vlogs.  Keep up the good work when you’re able to, man.

  • Ryan Gilmartin

    the vid kept cutting out for me, basically right after he says the word morose… any ideas why?

  • Anonymous

    Good stuff. This makes me want to get some Kraken Rum lol Anyways I never heard Sponny laugh so much before. This was pretty funny though. Spoony’s rants on the horrible Twilight “saga” I remember were always classic.

  • http://tasoku.deviantart.com Evon Le

    Aw shit, there was more after the credits? My friends and I just left the theater right when the weird credits came on…

    Anyway, just finished watching this and it was hilarious Spoony (: You were pretty much spot-on with the movie. What I found strange the most was that Bella showed the most emotions whenever she was with Jacob, and practically nothing with Edward. I guess in the book her thoughts are more obvious, but on screen it just looks like she’s only into the sex rather than the love (at least with Jacob she rides motorcycles and listens to music in their spare time). 

    Oh, and what annoyed me about this movie other than the fact that nothing happened was that the dialogue was *awful*. I mean, there has been movies about people just sitting around doing nothing, but they shared interesting things. Anytime these people opened their mouths they never said anything worthwhile that would stick in your mind in a positive way. I mean, if you had to recall actual good lines in the movie, were they a serious line or an awful line that stuck because you wanted to share it with your friends? I’m just so surprised they released this thinking that enough events happened and that the dialogue would save it. It’s not even action-packed to hide their lack of interesting plot. 

    And how many times do we have to hear that Bella is going to die and she needs to stop what she’s doing but she just does it anyway? They always promise she’s going to die and she never does. There’s always something that is going to kill her but I see no point in doing so (I guess to move along a plot that really has no plot). At least with Harry Potter it’s because he’s the Chosen One. Bella is just a girl who wants to have sex with a vampire. And I guess no one can read her mind. (Though that does sound justifiable enough to want to get rid of her)

  • http://twitter.com/mad_man_mick Mick Cremeans

    Spoony you beautiful bastard, you’re an awesome drunk.  You have the fixings try a Pirate Cowboy: Two Shots of rum, one shot whiskey and 12oz can of cola. Mix it with a knife in a nice sized glass and drink up

  • http://twitter.com/SandiAssassin Sandi WhoKnows

    The part of this where Spoony started getting upset was heartbreaking. When I move to America, I am finding him, and at least attempting to become his best friend.
    This review is one of Spoony’s best, if you ask me!

  • Anonymous

    I’m not even 22 minutes in and I have to take a long pause for laughing. 

    Spoony is very much like me when drunk, especially with the giggling into his own arms, though he’s handling alcohol better than I can.  I really commend him for just taking that Whiskey without fear. 

    I really want to just go down and get some Vodka and Orange Juice for Screwdrivers (my poison of choice) and go nuts, but I tend to get carried away with alcohol, so I should just be content with my coffee. 

    Besides, all this talk about Bella and Edward fucking is making me feel like I have a Jackson Pollack coming up, *urp!*.  Maybe I should get a bucket if I’m going to finish the rest of this video. 

    Nothing says “Nauseating Mood-Killer” quite like Edward’s Dixie Carter O-Face. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/melissa.j.neal Melissa J. Neal

    This is the worst piece of angsty, pseudo porn, chick lit fanfiction ever. Thankfully resulting in the best Spoony video ever.

    Hang in there Noah. :)

  • http://twitter.com/amityisland amityisland

    Really enjoyed your vlog. I hope you change your mind and do a vlog about Part 2 when it comes out  (maybe Linkara and Jewwario can agree to see it as well and then you could do the conference call thing again) because these vlogs really are hilarious and entertaining. 
    Hope your hangover wasn’t too bad :-)

  • http://twitter.com/totem91 Totem of Low Bap

    Conclusion: This movie makes people drunk…

  • http://twitter.com/SNESChalmers666 Michael Oswald

    You should have went with Jameson or Bushmills. They may cost a bit more than Canadian Club, but it’s totally worth it. 

  • Anonymous

    The Kraken ftw!  I love that stuff.  It’ll put tentacles on your chest hairs.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3ED5DZPAKEOGC7SW6YN65ACVIA Alex

    Seeing Spoony with all those booze reminds me of Christopher Lee singing, “Name Your Poison”, from Captain Invincible. 

  • Anonymous

    This was a pretty risky video to make, it could have easily gotten uncomfortable or unpleasant in several different ways.  To be honest I thought it was really unwise of you to try this at this particular point,  …and then you go ahead and crank out one of the most enjoyable videos I’ve seen (or at least heard) in the past month or so.

    I don’t know how you do it man, but you have some kind of gift: you can just plop down in front of a camera and start rambling off the top of your head for *over an hour & a half*, and it just comes out wildly entertaining & fun to listen to. (Although Oreo scampering around in the background definitely helped).  And granted, it probably also helped that for big chunks of the time I was just listening to it while I did other stuff on my computer, but it still made for a great audio podcast and Linkara & JewWarrio were the perfect foils.

    Part of me wants to say you should submit it to TGWTG, but it’s just way too dam long for that, people clicking on it as just one of three or four newly posted videos they want to see are bound to get impatient.  Maybe if you split it into three separate parts to post on successive days,  sort of a “Breaking Dawn Drunken Rant Week”.

    As I’m sure you’ve seen by now, Brad also reported that the packed audience in his theater seemed strangely subdued as well for a midnight audience of rabid twi-heads (or whatever the term for them is).  He was disappointed that they weren’t making such pathetic fools of themselves, but I saw it as the first glimmers of hope that it’s finally starting to dawn on Stephanie Myers fans just what a crapfest these books/movies are & always have been.  Seriously, all these years of totally investing yourself in a character as soulless & undeserving as Bella has got to leave you feeling empty at some point.

  • http://shadowdancersworldo.blip.tv/ Shadowdancer21b

    I feel for you Noah.  If I ever move to Arizona I will try to befriend you.  You’re awesome.

  • Anonymous

    Some years ago (like 20 at least) I read a *great* article in a German SciFi magazine about Superman having Sex with Lois Lane. I assume it got translated from English, so maybe you’ll be able to find it somewhere. The Title was “Männer wie Stahl, Frauen wie Kleenex” (Men like steel, women like Kleenex). And it makes some of the very exact points you brought up here.

    edit: Google is great! Here’s the article – and it’s by Larry Niven!!! http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html

    First: If Daddy has superstrength – what about the sperm? During Superboy’s puberty (think wet dreams) he’d already have shot several people in Smallville – and his room’s wall must have millions of microscopic sized holes… Even if the sperm wasn’t super-strong: You can cut rocks with what basically is a water-gun if the pressure behind it is high enough. This is actually done by humans with machines.

    And if they had sex… Well, apart from blowing out her skullcap and brain with his ejaculation – an orgasm is kind of like a little spastic episode, you kinda lose control over yourself – so most likely Superman – even if he wore a supercondom – would simply disembowel Lois with his little man of steel, right?

    So it comes up with this great scenario where Supie first has to have a fap on Moon and then catch the sperm – because if he did it somewhere on earth and his sperm had superspeed the friction-heat and supersonic bangs could cause all kinds of trouble, even if he went somewhere quiet.

    But that’s not the end of the problems, because – just as in the twilight scenario – baby could have superpowers as well, and what if it starts kicking? Or opens it’s eyes and switches on it’s heat-ray-vision? Being pregnant with Supie’s baby would, most likely, kill any human woman.

    So what to do?

    The author comes to the conclusion that there’s only two possibilities for baby to get to grow (before birth) without killing anyone: Either they use Supergirl as an Ersatz-Mother, OR Supie carries the baby out himself – Schwarzenegger-Style. :D

    While (I think) it also shortly goes into how unlikely it would be for two species from different planets to be able to have a child the article mostly concentrates on all the practical problems that everyone can relate to.

    I *highly* recommend you try and find this article (if – when I’m right – it exists in English and not just German) – I had a *great* laugh reading it and still remember it over 20 years later.

    • Anonymous

      Nivin (god bless that dirty old man) really nailed it with that one, I especially love his talk of sperm flicking through the sky leaving trails of blue cherenkov radiation as they fly around at nearly the speed of light…

      • Anonymous

        Right. It’s just great how he takes the basic scenario for granted and simply goes into all the practical little problems that would arise from them. And, yes, the Cherenkov trails cracked me up too. :)

    • http://twitter.com/Linkara19 Lewis Lovhaug

      As the comic book fan, I’m well aware of Men of Steel, Women of Kleenex.  It’s a good theory, but the problem is that it’s well-established through the way Clark’s powers developed that he has COMPLETE control over his strength.  It’s how he’s able to open a door without ripping the door off its hinges.

      • Anonymous

        Ah, you know it – I was thinking about posting it to you too, now I found it again online. :)

        Okay – Superman has complete control over his powers, but Niven makes a point about an orgasm being similar to an epileptic episode – where you *lose* control. Something that *can* happen to Superman as well – I’m quite sure this has been a plot point at least once…

        But hey – you are the comic book expert, so I will bow to your superior knowledge about what Superman can and can not do. :)

        PS: Let me just say once more how much I enjoy your comic book coverage. Myself I mostly stuck to the European comic scene I grew up with – Asterix, Tim und Struppi (Tintin) and later loads of weird stuff from Edika, König or Moers.

        But through people like you and your work I still keep kind of up to date with what all those Superheroes are up to and have a good chuckle now and then while doing so. :)

    • Anonymous

      The baby wouldn’t have any superpowers until exposed to sunlight. Also, he could have a piece of kryptonite close enough to weaken himself to near human normal. Problems solved.

  • Kyle Fernandez

    Holy crap, Noah looks drunk from minute one.

  • tim edgren

    I knew I was in for an awesome vlog right at the start. “..PIECE…OF….SHIIIIIT” XD we missed ya spoony. I would like to join you on a video not only for publicity for me and my friends reviews…but hell..makin a vid with spoony…that’d be awesome.
    I CAN however visit Linkara…as a fellow Minnesotan :3

  • Il Principe

    Sounds less like Breaking Dawn, more like Breaking Down…

  • Il Principe

    This all sounds less like “Breaking Dawn” and more like “Breaking Down”…

  • doresh

    4:17 – Orea looking over your shoulder: Awwwww XD

    Wasn’t this truce only about the Cullens not entering werewolf territory Oo ?

    I know about the stupid name for this hellspawn, and it really puzzles me. Why combine two different name into one abomination? I can understand the old norse/arabic naming conventions of “X son/daughter of Y”, but THIS? NOBODY would think this is a good idea! If your ancestors would’ve done this, our names would be unpronouncable by now!
    And isn’t “Esme” the name of Edward’s mother?

    You know what’s stupid about imprinting? What if Renesme doesn’t love Jacob? Will he become an obsessed stalker? Or will she use him as her slave?

    Unlike pure movie “sagas”, a book series has a definite ending. This is bad news for Hollywood, since they’ll do anything to keep their cash-cow franchises. I really dread the day Hollywood starts turning single CHAPTERS into movies thereby reaching the same pacing as your average DBZ episode…

  • http://twitter.com/imanerd000 Rui Leite

    i’m sure it was bad but… so much alcohol!!!

  • Jacob Johnson

    Being the lonely nerd always sucks. Happens from time to time, especially when you have a very small and tight group of friends. Don’t let it get to you.

    For the record, I imagine seeing a terrible movie with you would be a riot. Unfortunately I’m on the other side of the country.

    • Jacob Johnson

      On a much brighter note, this was one of your best vlogs yet. I definitely look forward to more.

  • http://twitter.com/Shantalfigueroa Shantal Figueroa

    Haha, that’s what I thought, too. JUST LET HER BE ON TOP! 

  • http://twitter.com/PatTheOtaku Pat

    Spoony dog! He’s so cute. He wants to comfort you in your time of need. :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kim-Smith/100000682553835 Kim Smith

    poor spoony, twilight has breaken you… i know the feeling: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K25T51q7UIk

  • the writer

    This was a surprisingly awesome and funny vlog, in spite of the moments that made me wince and feel bad for Spoony. I hear you on the suckiness of doing that thing you used to do with that person– you know, it was your together-thing! And now you have to do it yourself and remember it all and it just… It just blows. I know. I’m sorry.

    Linkara and JewWario were a really great idea, though, and I for one am happy that you didn’t have to drink totally alone, at least. Drinking all by yourself is never a good idea (and no, Oreo doesn’t count).

    I wouldn’t encourage it as a habit– because, uh, yeah, not a good habit– but if you ever want to release the Kraken again, you should totally live-chat it so we can all get blitzed with you. Then NOBODY drinks alone! :D Hey guys, drinking game! Do a shot every time Oreo does something adorable, WOOOO– *drink drink* *THUD*

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, I became a raging alcoholic because of the non-stop adorable antics of the dog of an internet reviewer that lives on the other side of the country from me.  That sounds like a great idea!

      • the writer

        I see no flaws in this plan. ALL HAIL OREO! *toasts*

        FIVE MONTHS LATER: O hai liver failure. CURSE THAT CUTE PUPPY-WUPPY!

  • http://twitter.com/TheFinalBlink Daniel Newman

    Oreo looking over your shoulder is probably the cutest thing I have seen in a while. She is so good for you Noah.

    Also, and I open myself up for so much abuse for reading all 4 of the books (the things we do for the people we love) I can explain imprinting a bit better than how the films seem to have handled it. That said its still a little creepy.

    Imprinting on someone basically tethers you to that person in every way imaginable. I think someone in Eclypse imprinted on a two year old so there was even more foreshadowing there. While that child grows up, you would be the most amazing big brother in every way, when they got older, you would be the best friend they could ever need, and when they are of age, the best boyfriend they could ever want. I think that was almost word for word there.

    Im not saying its not stupid, just that that area was covered in the last book.

    And for the record I have not seen any of the films, that hell awaits me in February 2012.

  • http://twitter.com/TheFinalBlink Daniel Newman

    Oh, and while they keep being able to shift into warewolves, they stop ageing too.

  • http://twitter.com/necrojustice James G

    I love the Dead Space shirt. Who sells that?

    • http://twitter.com/TarielCorbeau Tariel Corbeau

      Walmart.

  • Anonymous

    0:57 Defibrilators don’t work that way, it’s one of the most pervasive myths presented in movies again and again.

    A defibrilator is used to correct some very specific conditions, none of which is a stopped heart. You can not and will never start a stopped heart again by using a defibrilator – CPR and injected chemicals are the way to go there.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defibrilator

    • Anonymous

      Pulp Fiction for the win.

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, if it wasn’t noon over here I would have busted open the Jack and kicked back for the rant.  It’s great to have you back, and I wish the lot of us could have packed that theater with you for a good laugh followed by a drunken after party.  Stay cool, man.

  • http://twitter.com/Shantalfigueroa Shantal Figueroa

    XD “Oh Louis, you ignorant slut.” Lmfao

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WVED34ZMNTXOKWWYFQBBCPTLCM Ken Master

    That cool spoony, just remember that you make all laugh and brought us together with your great comedy, Honestly don’t worry you have a lot friend just not there(yet).  But I hate to ask but I see there more to this movie then being crappy and stupid and making crap load of money for a crappy premise.    Guessing a break up?

  • Anonymous

    As a Canadian, I approve of your Club.

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, man…. I respect your sacrifice. I could not have gone to see this movie alone. I’m not even going to do it with a friend because… god, I can’t stand these pieces of crap. I don’t want to pay to see them, I don’t want to give them money for making them. The fact that movies like these get made but none of my scripts will probably never ever make it just depresses me. I can’t stand watching movies that make me think: Give me half the budget they had and I could do this better.

    By the way, the Bella topping suggestion? That just made so much sense. Yes, thank you for pointing that out. But yeah, of course they couldn’t do that because girls can’t top. That’s for “sluts” or something. It doesn’t fit the teenage romance idea of sex where the man has to do all the work. Not to mention Mormons (sorry if I’m wrong here) probably think anything outside of the missionary position is basically sodomy.

  • Anonymous

    This is….legitimately depressing :(

  • http://twitter.com/ralfafa Rafael Ronitirronco

    You should’ve called this video: Breaking Down, come on! you’re like way too old to pull this Hasslehoff stunt

  • Anonymous

    1:19 – HAHAHAHA! That’s how I got out of having to go to the Bundeswehr (German Army). Back in 1990 (when I finished school) when you were male and didn’t want to go to the Bundeswehr you had to hand in an essay explaining why – your moral reasons for not wanting to handle weapons or whatever. And then you had to do civil service for a LONGER time instead.

    Anyways – I got my essay back with the note that, basically, it was “too short” and instead of 2 pages they wanted at least 3 of me explaining. So I took my amiga 3.5″ disk with my essay back to my friend who had a printer and we enlarged the font and the line-space. And voilà: It got accepted the second time around. :D

  • http://twitter.com/MagiGold Anthony Melpolder

    Spoony? Hey, Spoony, are you going to be okay?

    Kind of worried about you.  Do something stupid? Haven’t slept in 36 hours?

  • Rodrigo Ibarra

    Dude. YOu look utterly broken. I don’t know if you need a bed, drugs or what, but you need rest and sleep. Please, take care of yourself. I’d hate something bad happening to you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      He has a very good reason to get plastered today. Twilight levels of pain don’t happen very often.

      But yeah, it is kinda scary to see Noah in that state.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeffery-Adam-Phillips/842790540 Jeffery Adam Phillips

    People wonder why I don’t drink. I-I just don’t know what to tell them. rofl

  • http://twitter.com/TarielCorbeau Tariel Corbeau

    Hey, at least it is a GOOD reason amrite?

  • Shauna

    :( There are hundreds of people who would love to hang out with you, especially to take the piss out of bad movies. It sucks for all of us as well as you that we can’t. Come to Calgary and I’ll go with you :P For what it’s worth, I feel pretty much the way you do right now so hey, depression FTW! If you’re not getting any sleep, that will make things much worse. I sleep as much as possible to hide from the pain, lol. Try taking an OTC sleep aid so you can at least catch some Zs. Just do what you can to get to your next psych or therapy appointment, and try not to look beyond it. I often feel like I can see the whole expanse of my life ahead of me and can’t bear it. Try to focus on a closer date.

  • http://twitter.com/StevenBanta Steven Banta

    Hey, Spoony, I’ve been there, man.  If I lived in Arizona I’d hang with you, for sure.  If you ever want to shoot the shit about rpgs and whatnot (old-school rpg’er here!), hit me up.  Hang in there, buddy!

  • Mary Sulkowski

    PIECE! OF! SHEEIT!

    Is it just me, or did Spoony sound kind of like Brad there? >.>

  • Anonymous

    oh come on, you called Transformers 3 “Bark at the Moon” but missed the obvious pun for this movie?
    how did you NOT call this “Breaking down”?

    • Anonymous

      He was probably too hung over and didn’t enough of a crap to be bothered changing it :P

  • http://templeofthehut.blogspot.com The_Hut

    I’m giving some serious thought to moving to Arizona.  I hate Korea and I’d love to go somewhere warm.  I definately could use a wingman if I do.  btw I’ve been a lot drunker than you in this video.  It’s far from embarrassing.

  • http://twitter.com/AJRimmer5 AJRimmer

    This is a story involving necrophilia, bestiality, and infant lust? And women…like this?

    …Someone gave the green light to these stories to be made into high budget movies?

    I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

    • Anonymous

      Not only did someone give the green light to these abortions of sanity, they were HUGELY SUCCESSFUL. 

      Think on that and despair!

  • xed alpha

    You were all wonderful, true, you were a little tipsy but you were still within the ‘funny drunk’ stage and were still the hilarious Noah that we all know and love. Rock on, Spoony One, rock on…

  • http://bluehighwind.blogspot.com/ BlueHighwind

    Spoony, I’d see Twilight 5 with you.

  • Anonymous

    Oreo is so cute! It’s good she’s there to help you through the Twilight pain…

  • xed alpha

    Oh, and setting aside all those boujwa sites who diss you and take her side , we’re all so glad you dispelled yourself of Scarlett and that unhelathy dominance that was held over you and your work. You are much better on your own and we know you’ll find that special woman worthy of being by your side. You make people laugh, you make them happy, and we hope your health increases, Noah and you get well soon. You desrve so much more for all you’ve done for us. For you, for us, for the interwebs and… for SCIENCE!!

    • Anonymous

      Shut up. Spoony doesn’t want people to talk bad about his ex-gf, we don’t know why they separated, and the thing about the “unhealthy dominance” is complete bullshit. 

      • Anonymous

        You should know that Spoony liked that comment.

    • Anonymous

      What the fuck is a boujwa?

    • Skelemelon

      What is “boujwa” supposed to be?? Do you mean “bourgeois”? Because “boujwa” isn’t a word. You also used it wrong. “Bourgeois” has to do with middle-class capitalistic people who are concerned with only material possessions, so I don’t see how those sites are bourgeois.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4BOKEKBH3SOPSEQM452JOONZUI Deborah

    If you’re on depression medication, should you be drinking?

    • http://www.youtube.com/thefaustianman Faust

      Good point. I think we’re seeing him spiral out of control. Or is this the cry for help stage?

      • http://twitter.com/AJRimmer5 AJRimmer

        Or it could just be a guy whose gotten drunk for the first time in years. You know. Like someone wanting to let loose and relax. But, let’s continue down your road of pessimism and belief the end of Spoony’s world and site have come. I bet if Spoony keeps on his stated drinking habit he might get drunk again in 2022. ZOMG! The horrors!

        • http://www.youtube.com/thefaustianman Faust

          Hi. You must be new here.

    • HuneyMunster

      At end of vlog Spoony looked wasted, but when I looked at the bottles he hadnt drunk much at all.  I guess its the mixture with his meds.  That why I dont take any meds as I prefer to drink instead.  Though not been drunk much lately as been addicted to Skyrim.

    • Anonymous

      Well, in theory you really shouldn’t… but on the other hand, I know so many people who kept drinking while on antidepressants… And I’ve been drinking occasionally while on them too (only I actually didn’t drink before, not even when I was in the deepest pits of depression). Not that I know if it had an effect. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

      But seriously speaking: alcohol is… like the opposite of anti-depressants. It’s actually called a “depressant”. xD I’m not a doctor so I don’t know exactly what it means, but from what I understand, you could simplify it like this: depressants make you feel good in the short term and shitty in the long term, while antidepressants make you feel shitty in the short term and good in the long term. Well, theoretically anyway. As you probably know, antidepressants don’t always work or the bad effects can outweigh the good. Of course, alcohol might screw the whole thing up too. It ruins whatever good the antidepressants do.

      All that said, I think Spoony will be fine as long as he doesn’t make it a habit which I doubt he will if he’s not been a drinker before.

  • William Krause

    Spoony, I want you to know that I was drinking Kraken Rum with Root Beer, while eating my Ribs that I spent two hours making, which was cooking with Kraken BBQ sauce I made. Don’t worry Spoony, you’re not drinking alone.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_AAWT7KGJATPEGZFFBCF6ER6XBM The Mighty Wombat

    I find it surprising how so many places drink hard alcohol in shots. Here the tradition is to drink it in sips, often with some soft drink afterwards. Drinking culture is different in different parts of the world :) .

  • Anonymous

    This honestly… is one of the funniest vlogs you’ve ever done, Spoon.

    It’s as funny as the “Hotel from Hell” video.  This is an instant classic and I applaud you for getting drunk for us and letting “Louishoreview” and Jewario chime in.  I’m not saying you need to get drunk every video, but it’s amazing you can get drunk and recite an entire movie in hysterical detail.

    I’m sorry you saw the movie by yourself and I hope the booze don’t make ya sick.

  • http://twitter.com/AJRimmer5 AJRimmer

    Gotta say this too. I hope things work out for you Spoony. Hated hearing you talk about how you missed going to these kind of movies with Scarlett. The only thing I can say is been there, it fucking sucks, but things do get better. And whatever woman has the good fortune to wind up with you, is going to be one lucky lady.

  • the writer

    Oh, and I must add: Oreo is so much better-behaved and calm in your videos now. At the very least she doesn’t seem to be trying to chew your hands off anymore. She must be a very clever puppy to have picked up better behavior so quickly. She’s lucky to have a good daddy, heh.

  • Anonymous

    Wow, as funny as it is to hear Spoony ripping apart a horrible movie, I felt a little sad watching that. I hope you start feeling better soon. Maybe review something you like? I mean, forcing yourself to sit through this drek has to take its toll.

    Also, is Stephanie Meyer the greatest troll who ever lived? Or the Reincarnation of Lavretny Baria? This is some seriously, unbelievably perverted shit he described.

  • http://twitter.com/Valhawke Kevin Olivier

    You didn’t have to torture yourself talking about this movie.  The first 3 words sums it up nicely.  :P

  • http://twitter.com/Valhawke Kevin Olivier

    you didn’t have to torture yourself explaining the movie.  The first 3 words summed it up enough.  :P

  • http://twitter.com/Real_Atomsk Steven Johnson

    The best part of the vlog is that it is almost longer then the running time of the movie.
    Spoony you are the man for subjecting yourself to such horrors and also for drinking Kraken, the rum you drink when you want your brain to get tentacled

  • Anonymous

    I just can’t understand who wants to see these movies. The tonal inconsistencies between all 4 of them is so astounding that I can hardly imagine they’re in the same series were it not for the dull thread of the never moving Edward and Bella… Christ. Listening to this made me laugh, but I just can’t believe some people.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      Usually the hopeless romantics who don’t really pay attention to the plot. People who like ‘drama’, regardless of what actually drives it. People who think that Bella being ‘emotionally confused’ by her current situation is an excuse for all of the terrible things she does to Edward and Jacob.

      Basically, people who can stomach bad romantic comedies, that often do a poor job of explaining the protagonist’s motivation for her actions, or what the couple actually have in common. If the movie says so, the it is true. That works on some people.

      And Twilight takes advantage of this desensitization to lazy storytelling, while making the problem FAR worse than it currently is. Shut up, don’t question what happens too much, and believe that these characters have chemistry, you witless turkeys.

      At least that’s as much as I can figure. If anyone else has theories, I would like to hear.

      • Anonymous

        It’s taking “audiences can be stupid” to a whole new level though. Every critical analysis I’ve seen of Twilight has torn it apart in far more than one way, presenting irresistible proof of its idiocy. Believe me, I know some of these people, and they can be sheep who care a lot of what people think. I think it’s the actors. Without those guys, this thing would have never gotten off the ground much less become as successful as it is. I really don’t think many people (at least that I know) gave a shit about the books until the movies came. I can’t say I’m not guilty of that, but they seem to ignore things so long as they can imagine Robert Pattinson or whatever the fuck his name is…

        I actually heard someone justifying Jacob’s pedophilic intentions with literally the phrase, “He becomes obsessed because it’s Bella’s child”. No actual reasoning. The entire readerbase seems to operate on the idea that EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER is psychotic in some way shape or form. Believe me, it’s not what Meyer fucking intended.

  • http://twitter.com/athenaltena Rosemary CG

    The funny thing about her naming the kid after the Island it was conceived on is that Sarah Palin actually did that. All her kids’ names have something to do with where they were conceived. I swear I’m not making that up.

  • ORCACommander

    I think i have the same headset…. Razer Megelodons right? but those don’t work with the xbox hmmmm

  • http://www.youtube.com/thefaustianman Faust

    …So apparently this is what happens to the terrifying result of a generation raised on MTV and films by
    Jean-Claude van Damme and Steven Seagal at the height of their
    popularity.

    I would say the experiment is getting pretty close to finishing up.

  • Anonymous

    Connor is the human son of two vampires. I think Blade work probably work better.

    • http://twitter.com/Linkara19 Lewis Lovhaug

      Yeah, probably would have worked better.  Couldn’t remember if Darla was human when she and Angel screwed.

      • Anonymous

        No they were both vamps lol.  But it was still ridiculous how they did it, since it was all done via an outer god messing with lives lol…I loved that show…

  • Anonymous

    Well.. my reaction to Twilight “Saga”s latest announcement was “You gotta be fucking kidding me…” when saw it on local theaters web page. I checked first movie.. rolled it through in 5 minutes, slammed my head to my table and asked “What were those fucking glitter vampires?”, went to puke, cried in shower, and promised to never watch a single minute from any sequels it would have.

    Dont know about rum but you can give beer to orio if she gets really clingy. Small quantities time to time do actually good for dogs and they seem to like the taste. At least my 2 german pointers do. Though those 2 freaks have been witnessed to eat everything from potatoes to strawberries.. even gooseberries… from the fucking bush full of spikes..

  • http://twitter.com/brookin123 Tyler Brookbank

    how big of a loser am i when i see spooony drinking booze so i pause the video, buy booze, and drink when spoony drinks. :(

  • http://twitter.com/brookin123 Tyler Brookbank

    btw spoony fucking rocks

  • http://twitter.com/TheBlueDucky Anders Reymond

    if its any constellation i think you have about 100000 fans who would love to watch it with you. =)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    The first thing I see turning this video on is Noah Antwiller surrounded by booze, with an utterly haunted look on his face, like he was just sodomized by a 300 pound bear.

    Oh God, this movie must have been terrible. I will hold a funeral for the genocide of your brain cells. There will be bagpipes.

  • Anonymous

    Wow..and I thought your ‘New Moon’ review was the best of the bunch, but that was great. Thanks for suffering (by yourself) through that abomination. One more to go! :P

  • Toby Gleeson-Stack

    ~pours out a good glass of havana club in sympathy~

    twilight.  that’s  like 3 hours plus of not playing skyrim. how can you physically take it?

  • crix.dorius

    I know how you’re feel Spoony. =/

  • Anonymous

    Once again, a Spoony vlog made me laugh harder and louder than any review I’ve seen recently. Thank you, Spoony One! :)

    But oh, no! They broke the truty!

    • Anonymous

      That does it, I’m going to have to sneak “Truty” into my conversations every chance I get.  Maybe I can cheat a bit by talking about Native Americans more frequently. 

      It’s amazing what silly things slip out when drunk.  And watch, someone is going to have to explain “Truty” to Spoony because he probably won’t remember he inadvertently created it.

  • Nagneto Lives

    “Piece of shit”

    You should have just opened up by saying “DUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH!!!!!”

  • http://twitter.com/_MEgamer_ Mariann R Eriksen

    best hour i had ever ;D

  • http://www.facebook.com/jbhaslach John Barton Haslach

    I gotta say, this was the most fun I have had all weekend, watching you guys just laugh like old friends. It will get better Noah. It will. It sometimes does. I gotta say also to Lewis and JW, you guys are great friends. You may never see this comment, but you have good friends Noah.

  • ORCACommander

    Spony i will be at Pax east this year if i run into you You are getting a meal on me. You have no choice in this.

    • Anonymous

      lol I’m going too, we can split the bill for Spoony :)

    • Anonymous

       Here here my friends! We shall seek the Spoony One!

  • dragonzenith

    Spoony, this was absolutely priceless.

    I really do feel your pain – I made the extremely questionable decision of staying on the Gaia Online forums after they started a Twilight board (There were some awesome roleplaying friends I’d made a few years ago that still went there). I’d been fostering a deep hatred of the series for a while, having been an intelligent person in a high school at the time, and it eventually built to a head online. I ended up going on a full-on, no holds barred, Anti-Twilight Crusade… And this lasted for months. I would even deliberately watch the films with my friends and brother just to feed my engine of rage. I can’t believe people can enjoy this plodding, co-dependent, abusive bullshit on any level. I’ve actually tried reading the first “book” (I use the word loosely) to help support my arguments against these people, and, take it from me, reading the first book is like wading through a stomach-high swamp made of pure wangst.

    I have to say, though, as epic as this was, I’m starting to get a little concerned about you dude… And a lot of the other people commenting seem to share this sentiment. Now, I’m not a psychiatrist by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve honestly experienced symptoms very similar to what you were describing a in your last update, and while I still struggle with it, I have figured out a few things that really helped me to get my sleep in particular back on track… Which mostly just consists of taking some time away from it all.
    Now, I don’t mean to sound presumptuous or anything, and I know you said you don’t need a vacation, and that you don’t want to stop making videos (Which I think we can all agree is awesome. We all love the Experiment to death.), but I really have found that taking some quality time to yourself, away from the demands and bustle of everyday life… And, perhaps most especially, all the technology, really does seem to help. At least, it really does for me.

    Now, again, I’m not a professional, and I’m not sure if this method would even be of any use to you, or even if you’ll read this comment, but I think we’re all getting kind of worried about you, and I just wish I could do more to help. Anyway… Take that for what it’s worth.
    … Good call on the Kraken, by the way. I’m not a drinker either, but damn.

    • Anonymous

      Actually, you really have a good point there… I’m going with my own experience here too but my psychiatrist pretty much had to force me to take a break. I insisted to the last minute that I was going to be fine and that I couldn’t take a break from my studies. In hindsight, I have NO fucking idea what the hell I was thinking back then and taking a break was the best decision in my life. I might have very literally killed myself if I’d tried to push myself any further. And even when I did take a break I kept trying to push myself to “get well sooner” which lead to me getting back to my studies way too early and I ended up breaking down AGAIN and having to take another break only a year after.

      … So, in my experience: never trust your own mind when you’re depressed. Listen to your friends and family and listen to your doctor. And be honest to them too. I wasn’t and damn that was a stupid thing to do. But depression makes you stupid, I’m not even kidding.

  • http://twitter.com/SanJ922 Sanjay Dharawat

    I love how Oreo gives you like twelve “Dude are u ok, wtf are u doin?!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    Ride the pony, Bella! Ride the pony!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    Scarlett is coming up a lot in this Vlog. This is is going to lead to drunken sobbing.

    • Anonymous

      … Is it wrong that I immediately thought of the “Jump the Queen!” bit from History of the World Part 1?

  • http://twitter.com/Draik_Tempest Cameron Sanders

    Spoony!  Your viewers are here for you.  Don’t worry about the videos and take time to get your life straightened around.  It was a good call to include Linkara and JewWario, as they both seem like really decent people from what I’ve seen of them outside of their reviews.  You just need to surround yourself with the friends you have.

    Me and my friends are worried about you and want you to get better.  I don’t know you on a personal level, but on some of my more depressed days I’ve watched your videos or ready your reviews and they helped me feel better.  I hope you can find something for yourself that makes you feel better.

  • Anonymous

    Though he’s booze-fueled and mopey, I feel amused by Spoony’s ranting. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe I just don’t like the idea of not hearing what he has to say about a new Twilight flick, it’s sort of traditional to hear this before getting excited about the forthcoming Rifftrax.

    Anyway, man, you know if you showed up to some local nerdy events in the Phoenix area you’d be surrounded by people who want to spend time with you, right? Some of ‘em might even be pleasant to hang out with, you never know. Best of luck.

    • http://twitter.com/Rezelle Sarah Bowman

      About the whole “showing up at events in the Phoenix area” thing…that’s exactly how I feel. I’ve watched just about all of his reviews, vlogs, let’s plays, etc. I got pretty excited when I found out we were moving to Glendale, because I thought I might get to see him at a convention sometime. But it hasn’t happened yet. -.- 

      • Anonymous

        Well, he’s shy. Aren’t we all? But I think he’d be surprised how many people he could meet who he wouldn’t mind hanging out with more regularly.

  • Anonymous

    Star Wars: Episode 1 in 3D!  Now the shit will be literally flying out of the screen at you.

    • Anonymous

      Not if my Molotov Cocktail flies at it first! 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

    It is wrong that I sit here high-fiving the air while watching you rant and express what I think about these crappy Twilight movies? It’s a kind of catharsis. :-)

    Hey, I bet in ten years time all the teens and tweens who are fans of Twilight today will try hard to pretend they never wore a Twilight t-shirt in their life.

    Noah, if you cannot sleep, please try walking with Oreo or bicycling (if the weather allows), do something physical that helps your mind wind down after a stressy day. PLEASE I beg you, don’t drink alcohol to fry your brain, especially not while on medications. I’m afraid for you, man. I’m pretty sure you have Burnout Syndrome. You have all the classic symptoms. (It’s currently a big topic that gets lots of press coverage here in Germany, in an attempt to free depression and Burnout of social stigma.)

    Staying in contact with friends is good. Stay away from so-called self-help books. Psychological studies have proven that all this “think positive” propaganda is poison for people with depressions, because it has the exactly opposite effect on depressed people than it has on people without depression.

    Things will get better again, with time.
    Right now… well, I don’t know what to say except: Having insomnia sucks. No wonder you feel pissed off at the world.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    Wait, why isn’t the unborn baby trying to drink Bella’s blood?

    That would have made more sense; she would have been getting dizzy really frequently, and the vampire doctor would tell her that the baby was stealing her blood through her umbilical cord. She would have to get frequent blood transfusions to feed the baby.

    Oh wait, I’m assuming that logic can be applied to this abomination of thought. Oops, my bad.

  • Anonymous

    Hey Spoony. I think you are pretty fucking handsome and I would go see Twilight with you. However, I’m a dude and I’m pretty certain you are in to girls.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      Why would you want to suffer with him? He’s going to go on a tirade the entire movie, and you sound like you hate Twilight too since you seem to have no problem with his opinions of the movie.

  • http://twitter.com/GamesSaveLives Games Save Lives

    Is it weird that this makes me want to see the movie?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      You know what, some of what happens sounds so awesome, or so out of left field, that I’m actually interested. I think the VLog backfired, Spoony actually made me want to see it.

  • http://twitter.com/fatalrob0t Ehren Hatten

    Actually… No, he doesn’t hurt her that badly. What you’ve described is pretty much what happened to her when she has sex with Edward, because otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to move around on the island to get Edward back into bed with her. which she does. Meyer set up the whole thing so that vampires would hurt humans if they had sex with them and then completely backed out of it when it happened.

    And in the book, Bella refuses to go to College, but begrudgingly takes it when Edward says he’ll go to a college in Alaska with her and makes her fill out the forms. He has to forcibly make her fill out the forms, because she has no plans to go to college at all. She only wants Edward and to be a vampire. As soon as marriage is brought up then she wigs out and says she’s not the kind of girl to get married so young, but she wants to be made a vampire before she’s 20, because 20 is way too old.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

    The idea of a stuck-up WASP vampire… going to Rio… RIO??… boggles my mind.

  • Anonymous

    BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Q4JJMULUGCW6WL3ECUNEYHDBJQ Vash The Stampede

    Hey Spoony, can we be friends?  I live in Phoenix.  My friend and I think you’re awesome.  I’m around the same age too.  I’m sure this sounds gay, but what the hell.

    ps. I’m not gay

    http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1117676070

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      I think you miscalculated the impact of gayness in this post.

      But your heart’s in the right place, so I’m sure Noah will laugh that off if he reads this. Good luck, with what Noah’s going through, he could use a friend who lives nearby.

    • Anonymous

      Too bad you’re not gay. I think everybody, including Spoony, should have more gay friends: they make life more interesting.

  • Anonymous

    Why is there only an excalmation mark on the vid? o_O

  • http://twitter.com/PhiaMoth PhiaMoth

    Dear Spoony: Please don’t mix booze with anti-depressants. It’s not going to kill you, but there’s a known tendency for the two substances to make the booze -more- effective and potentially harmful. I’m aware some of the charm of your show is conveying the idea of realness (and suffering for our amusement), but while I might be a deranged fan I don’t want you getting hurt just to keep me entertained.

    • ORCACommander

      well he says he usually never touches the stuff and judging by his myriad of videos on his site i can’t remember any of them involving alcohol as even a gag except captain jack

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        when a dude who doesnt drink sees a movie then starts drinking (or smoking) its got to be terrible….I might download this piece of shit and buy a hole box of Dos Equis…hell I may make a drinking game out of this

        • ORCACommander

          if you read around it is has more to do with other things and less about the movie.

    • Anonymous

      Stating that JewWario and Louis were there to keep him from doing something dumb was a little eerie.  Spoony, you’ll be fine.  We’re here for you man.

      • http://twitter.com/PhiaMoth PhiaMoth

        No kidding. I mean I know it’s part of Spoony’s shtick to play up the crazy factor for comedic effect, but either Spoony’s a very good actor or he’s starting to make me worry too.

        • Anonymous

          I think he’ll be fine.  Just hearing that line at the begining of the video compiled with his recent post did make me wonder a bit.  Spoony, you will be fine and you are not alone.

  • Michael Marshall

    HAH, he drinks Canadian Club! That’s my brand!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    Re-nes-nay? I thought DREN was stupid because it was NERD spelled backward.

    • http://twitter.com/fatalrob0t Ehren Hatten

      Reneesme. It’s taking Bella’s mother’s name Rene and Edward’s “mother” Esme’s names and smooshing them together.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        I know, my names George, and I live in San Antonio. Hence, GEOGRETONIO THE MAGNIFICENT!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ULUK3HNFCHM6ZAJOVACZ3YQDZA Hathor Liderc

    Spoony, I luv ya but WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?

    Why do you torture yourself like that?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4LM23I53VCE4KUVGC4GI6XYCVU toms

    Spoony seems to miss the whole point of the movie, that Bella is SPECIAL.

    Normally people get married later in life, but Bella is special and gets married at 18.
    Normally people give their kids logical names, but Bella’s kids need a special name.
    Normally people use condoms because of common sense, but Bella is special and doesn’t need it (also the author is stupid like that)
    Normally a mutant baby would kill her mother but since Bella is special she will survive.
    —And anyone who thinks differently is implicity bad and proven dead wrong.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      Bella isn’t special. She’s special NEEDS!

      • http://twitter.com/TheMMOFifty TheMMOFifty

        careful man, there is a differance between sociopaths and people with autism and the like

    • http://twitter.com/fatalrob0t Ehren Hatten

      she’s special all right. As the other person said, Special Needs.

      Outside of that… she’s.. she’s completely opposite what a normal person would do, say, want or think. She gets married because Edward wants to get married, because getting married young is a horrible idea to her, but she wants to be a vampire forever with him. She also doesn’t want to get turned into a vampire any later than 19, because then she would be too old. When she gets pregnant she doesn’t lose her shit like anyone else would with something that fucking frightening, no, she instead turns into Susie Homemaker with a chest-burster.

      and this is what is popular. God help us.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        What I don’t understand is why the baby isn’t feeding on her from the inside. She’s human, isn’t she? Why isn’t the little anti-christ sucking her up though the umbilical cord? Shouldn’t she need regular transfusions to not pass out from blood loss?

        And if the half-vampire fetus is feeding on her, does that make Bella a vampire? Wouldn’t the baby put enough venom into her system to make her turn?

        I mentioned all this earlier, but I wonder if she considered any of this while having erotic chess sex with Edward.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4LM23I53VCE4KUVGC4GI6XYCVU toms

        God DAMN IT, that was the one thing I though I was forgetting. The other thing that makes Bella special (also 2 hot guys after her) is that she is a vampire even though every single damn person thinks its a bad idea in general, but they are unable to see that Bella is special and proves them wrong when she becomes a vampire and is fine. And OMG she is so hot as a vampire and gets to live forever and stuff.

  • Lachlan Maslen

    Spoony, why you be on the other side of the world?
    If I holiday in the US, I will certainly try to make time to catch a shitty movie with you.

    - 1000% not gay.

  • http://twitter.com/VikingWarrior90 Daniel Olsen

    That was awesome, best spoony vlog ever

  • Raye Merici

    This was hilarious XP It almost makes me want to see the movie…almost.

  • Rebecca Erdmann

    Oh man… I felt bad for you when I watched this – you look so sad and traumatized. Nobody should have to watch a movie this horrifically shitty alone. I agree that the only thing that makes it tolerable is being able to share the shittastic experience. Also, I knew Breaking Dawn was going to be bad, but… holy shit.

    Also, I’m sorry that things are sucking for you right now. I’ve kind of been in the same situation – it blows. Really can’t put into words how much it fucking blows. I hope things begin to get better for you soon – it might take a while, but I am sure they will.  :)

    Hang in there, SpoonyOne. <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    So Jacob and Renesnay have a…bond? Do I have to say it?

    “NEWBORN…porn!”

    I don’t care if my overposting is pissing people off, this is way too much fun.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      No, he already said it! NO!

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_AW3VX7HGVPJFFLYOQGRTPWDVFQ Joseph

        You forgot to mention the other part of wrongness that is the phrase “newborn porn”: IT RHYMES!!! Like it’s trying to be some sort of cute, sing-along song trend! 

  • Anonymous

    I’m sitting here imagining spoony strolling down the road in Forks covered in post it notes that say semtex.

  • andrew forrester

    FYI.

    Diet soft drinks make you absorb alcohol much faster rather than regular soft drinks.

  • http://twitter.com/Kalydsmagicride Kalypso Darnell

    Having read the books purely to see what all the hype was about, I have come to the same conclusions you have. Awful. Awful. Absolutely unfucking believably awful. The first two movies were at least entertaining in how stupid they were, and then the latter two came out and crushed my hopes of more so-bad-it’s-goodness. 

    And having a baby even when you pretty KNOW you’re going to die isn’t maternal instinct. It’s fucking bullshit. You’re leaving your child without a mother and your partner without a lover or support system. That’s utterly selfish and is so wrought with self-righteous BS that it makes my teeth hurt from gnashing. 

    I feel so sorry for you, Spoony. But then I’m also terribly jealous. I didn’t get booze when I had to see this. 

    • http://twitter.com/fatalrob0t Ehren Hatten

      You said it!

    • Anonymous

      No kidding. Hell, the human body is pretty much designed to stop dangerous pregnancies. That’s why there are miscarriages.

      Actually, that brings up a good question: given all the physical trauma that Bella went through bringing this baby to term, why didn’t her body just panic and attempt to terminate the pregnancy on its own? What, did the vampiric abomination baby have full control over her body or something?

      ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.

    • Anonymous

      My. Thoughts. EXACTLY. It IS goddamn selfish. And Stephanie Meyer is of course trying to glorify it, I’m guessing. All I can see it as is a terribly misguided pro-life PSA. (“pro-LIFE” being a very ironic term here.)

  • Anonymous

    “A horny chick that wants to fuck a vampire!”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

    oh spoony, you poor bastard, If I was in your state, Id come over and give you a hug man. when I read that you had booze, I knew this had to be bad news…goddamn. I’m on my third bottle of Dos Equis right now for ya man….stat thirsty mi amigos.

  • matt wendt

    Bella is a lactating WHORE! We need more Anna Kendrick.

  • http://www.utahraptorz.deviantart.com Petra Michael

    I really, REALLY wish that I had seen this before I went to see the movie. I went to go laugh my head off at the absurdity of Twilight. I was thinking that this movie was gonna be like the other ones: so bad that it’s funny. Unfortunately, I was wrong. VERY wrong! This movie was just pain! >_<

    I agree with everything you said in this vlog. Even the crowd I was with was just like yours! People really were laughing at the absurd moments. (Although surprisingly the crowd at my theater I went to was not a full house, but I see this as a good thing.)

    I think only one person in the theater actually like this film. I sat close to this one chick who kept saying, "Awwwwwww!" whenever Bella and Edward kissed, and after the movie ended she was the only person who applauded. All I did was glare.

    Man, I wished I had stayed for the credits though! I had left the theater right when the movie ended since I was so disgusted by what I had just seen, so I never saw that super hammy scene. D: Dang it! I missed the best part!

    I hope things get better for you soon! Hopefully you can find some good D&D buddies or something that you can go watch crappy movies with. :) Good luck!

  • http://twitter.com/TheNikus Omnikus Schlotter

    Conference call. Of course.

    I think we are hearing a transmission of the voices in Spoony’s head.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_AW3VX7HGVPJFFLYOQGRTPWDVFQ Joseph

    Bella was probably inspired to give her baby a unique name by celebrities, whom name their kids with such gems as Kal-El, Coco, Moxy Crimefighter, Pilot Inspektor, and Audio Science! I wish I was making this shit up! :(

  • Anonymous

    Didnt listen to your review yet…but the Titlecard image is fucking priceless XD XD XD

  • Anonymous

    Spoony is playing a drinking game in his head.  Every time he thought of this shitty padded non saga of a movie, he took a shot.  “You Drunk Spoony!”

    Bella’s spine was broken?  Jean Paul Valley will be the next Bella.

    People take these movies seriously?!  Never question guys and they’re stupid fantasy movies again.

  • avery cawley

    So now we finally know the devastating event in you’re life… well kinda.  I’m sorry spoony. I Hope you feel beter. We know this movie sure as hell didn’t. 

  • David Arseneau

    The vlog was hilarious, the review was spot on, the gore stuff (the baby eating her from the inside) did make me twist in my chair with discomfort, and Linkara and JewWario was a good adition, althought I miss the Cinema Snob and your brother.
    On another note though, I don’t think you should drink in your vlogs anymore, because things get a little bit too personal, with you comments about your ex and your lack of friends (dedicated enough to go see this piece of crap). It’s not the kind of thing you should talk about in an internet video…
    But maybe that’s just me…

  • Anonymous

    When this movie comes out on DVD/BluRay, they should totally use a quote from this Vlog as a critic’s blurb on the box cover.  I can picture it not:

    “Wetwork is still Awesome!

  • Anonymous

    Ohh Noah, watching this was really heartbreaking. It was hilarious to see your reactions to the film of course, but I just want to reach out and give you a big hug. I really hope that if seeing Breaking Dawn Pt 2 will put you down like this again that you just opt out. With all thats going on for you right now, I don’t think we would hold it against you if you just couldn’t make yourself go see it when it rolls around. I love your diligence to giving us some laughs, but please don’t be afraid to put yourself first! <3

    While on a more sentimental note, despite how much it must have hurt to share what's going on with you, we all truly do appreciate your candidacy. I can't speak for everyone but I know I certainly care about whats up with you, and while you aren't obligated in any way to share it, I feel honored that you trust us all enough to do so (even if you were just a tiny bit tipsy ;)).

    Basically, tl;dr just take care of yourself! We love you, broseph.

    (Also, it was beyond sweet to see how Lewis and Justin had your back though this. Kudos to both of them for being awesome. <3)

  • Anonymous

    its fun to see Spoony drunk reviewing.

  • http://twitter.com/PDestrucity Pete Lopeno

    36 hours without sleep? You should really have put the booze away and got some sleep man! It is fitting that Twilight would be the movie that forced you to drink on camera in order to be able to get through the review…

  • http://twitter.com/EpicNinjaShiro Patryk Halaczkiewicz

    at least we know spoony is a happy drunk it seems

  • Cory Silver

    Dude I’ll be your friend! 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VKJLSGEAA4J5W73FKFAOIKOHA4 Dom

    dude spoony,no homo, i’d go to movies with you every weekend they would be so fuckin fun. 

  • http://twitter.com/pat_speed patrick mitchell

    My brother read the books (he hated it, a lot) he said that absolutely nothing happens. Literally, he said in the 2nd part nothing will happen and it will be worse.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    At least the audience knew this was bullshit. There is SOME hope for collective humanity. Let’s just pray the trend continues.

  • Anonymous

    Spoony this was GREAT, thanks for posting it. I had a beer while watching just like hanging out and geeking out with my geek friends of old, + beer. lol

  • Damienx247

    If I was your friend, I would not go with you to see this movie, if anything I would do my damnedest to convince you to watch another movie, whether good or bad, because I would be afraid a movie like this would drive you to drink.

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, you are both adorable and hilarious.  If you’re ever at an event in the Midwest, I would love to buy you a meal…or a shot of rum.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_M7X33HG5VCWD2I67PXQO55Y47I Reza

    You’ve got good taste in whiskey, Spoony! Hope you’re feeling a bit better!

  • Anonymous

    Breaking Down: The twiligth Shag it

  • http://twitter.com/ShiKamitheDNM Shi Kami the DNM

    I just think this is hilarious since I had seen the movie just yesterday and I was commenting all the way through the movie, funny thing is that fans behind us were laughing at my random comments. Especially when I commented on how Bella’s naming skills suck hard. =A=

    • http://twitter.com/ShiKamitheDNM Shi Kami the DNM

      As for the sex scene, we rated it a 6.5 (the 6 being Edward breaking the headboard and how mad Esme will be when she finds out) LMAO

  • John Gillick

    You drink the Kraken! =O

  • http://twitter.com/Nabexis Sabine Vecchio

    Quick correction: The reason Esme is part of Bella’s daughter’s name is because Esme is Edward’s “mother’s” name (Carlisle’s wife)

    I read the books. UGH. I can’t believe I wasted so much time on the books… But that’s how I know that. Also, Breaking Dawn’s “hate” name is “Making Spawn”

  • Brian Lewis

    Noah, next time Brad drags you back to Springfield, we definitely need to do a drunk video together!

    • Anonymous

      No offense man, but Spoony’s a *way* better drunk than you.

      Also, I was just thinking that Brad really needs to bring Spoony over to do a Midnight Movie or two next summer.

    • Anonymous

      Please do Brian

    • Anonymous

      hell yeah ^^

  • http://twitter.com/kyriakitriti Alexandria White

    Oreo says, “Playtime can happen now, you can forget all about the movie and play with me.”

  • Anonymous

    Best wishes, be this fact or fiction.

  • urupomias

    funny vid spoony, but seriously speakin goddamn stupid. 36 hours without sleep plus alcohol is not healthy at all.

  • Diggerjohn111

    That was one of the funniest things I have seen on line in a while. Those 90 minutes flew.

  • Anonymous

    *sigh*

    At least you know it’s embarrassing…

    Seriously Spoony, I don’t wanna sound like glasshole, I love your vids, but please don’t ever do this “drunken reviewer” gimmick again. Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

    • Daniel Barstead

      Gimmick? What?

      • Anonymous

        Okay I know he is REALLY drunk, what I meant to say is that I wouldn’t like to see any other vblogs or reviews done like that.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      This doesn’t seem like a gimmick. He looked like he really needed alcohol. At least it didn’t really affect his comedy too much.

  • http://twitter.com/octopodesrex Jacob Elias Land

    The man who reviewed Highlander 2, who watches TNA regularly, and it took Twilight to be the breaking point. I am married, my wife is dragging my ass to watch it. I am pants-fudgingly petrified of what I shall witness now.

  • Anonymous

    Ok, he doesn’t drink and he is pounding down the rum like there’s no tomorrow. I’m a fairly heavy weight drinker (not that I drink often, but when I do I can hold my own) and rum is a killer, whiskey is a killer and you should never mix your drinks.

    • Anonymous

      Ok getting further into a video and if he is going to keep drinking at this rate he should a)get something to eat and b) Line up the greasy food, glasses of water, cups of tea and paracetamol for the morning. He is going to have a headache which would floor a buffalo in the morning

      • Anonymous

        In general Paracetamol/Acetaminophen/APAP/Tylenol (I assume you’re in the EU since you mentioned paracetamol) should never be mixed with alcohol, and to a lesser extent as the last of the alcohol leaves the body during the hangover. Ethyl Alcohol combined with Acteaminophen can cause significant liver damage (beyond the Ethyl Alcohol alone) and is the current leading cause of acute liver failure in the US.

        Ibuprofen or ASA would be a better choice.

        • Anonymous

          Really? I find that any pain killer does the trick as long as I have something greasy with it like a fried breakfast, a cup of tea and water helps as well like I said. I’ve never had any problems with taking paracetamol in the morning. Although I do make sure I don’t have a drink within four hours or so of a paracetamol, cheers for the advice though I’ll stick to ibuprofen in the future. I went straight to paracetamol cos that’s the painkiller I normally use

  • http://profiles.google.com/andrewatomjt Andrew Gillespie

    You know Spoony, if you need a guy to go to shitty movies with I’m perfectly willing to drive down from Denver to Phoenix to do it. Not even kidding. Not like I’ll have a job next summer, so why the hell not? And I don’t drink so I can even get you home to film you making drunk reviews. And yeah I guess it sounds a little creepy but it’s totally not because, bro code man. No man should have to watch this shit alone.

    Fun review man, and try not to review too many more films that make you drink.

  • Anonymous

    So Twilight was the thing that finally broke Spoony. Huh, always figured it would be TNA.

  • http://twitter.com/the_real_TRR Taylor Reitz

    Spoony, when you come to Vancouver next summer, I’m taking you drinking.  This is too fun to watch, and I’m already partially drunk.

  • Anonymous

    The second I saw the trailer for this movie on TV, I burst out laughing and couldn’t wait for it to com out. So Spoony could rip it to shreds.

  • Zachary Necaise

    I think I speak for most of us here when I say that we’d like to be your friends (I for one would give you a hug if I could), but because of that we don’t want you to hurt yourself. You’ve more than proven how great of a guy you are to us.  If you ever need to talk, we, and I, are here to listen.

  • http://twitter.com/kyriakitriti Alexandria White

    You’d think that Carlisle would have taught someone how to do medical things in the 100+ years they’ve been around.

  • Mateusz K.

    I;m somewhat disappointed that the birth scene was not a montage, or that there was an immediate birth montage afterwards… but, hey… it can still happen in the sequel.
    It’s good to hear Spoony again, but it’s not a good post depression remedy to watch everything that is wrong in the world compressed into part 1.

  • Anonymous

    This is actually good as far as drunk vlogs go.  XD

  • sarah s

    I really enjoyed this video Spoony.  If I were not in Ohio, I would gladly go see the 4th movie with you, especially since the boyfriend refuses.  I watched the other ones and laughed my ass off while people glared at me, including some of my friends. :-)

  • http://twitter.com/WiggySmalls1 Wiggy Smalls

    Absolutely Hilarious review!!! I would have to be smashed to even bring myself to watch any of the twilight movies.
    I read some comments which I usually never do let alone comment myself as I am a terribly shy person myself and all I can say really is what a friend of mine said to me earlier today as I am battling my own depression at the moment. He said “It may seem contrive but it WILL get better because you have friends and family who truly care about you and love you…..it’s been bad but you can only go up from here” And it probably seems uber contrive coming from a fan but you have friends and family who truly care about you and love you spoony along with thousands of fans who love your work. And I think the comments expressing concerns for your health is all the proof one would need. One comment about being ‘burnout’ really stuck out to me as I’ve experienced burnout several times as a tattoo artist. a world renowned body piercer, Elayne Angel (author of ‘The Piercing Bible’), has written and published several good articles on burnout and how to avoid it. I hope you feel better soon for your own sake and patiently wait for more videos  

  • Anonymous

    The problem with Twilight as a story is it glorifies the bad relationship. And I don’t mean bad as in Bad Slash Fiction bad relationships where the characters don’t work together, I mean the damaging, abusive relationships that all women need to avoid like the fucking plague.

    Spoony summed it up when he called the story “Horny Chick Wants to Fuck A Vampire”, but more then that it’s about a Stockholm Syndrome Prat who falls in love with her own Stalker and goes to psychotic lengths to get him back once he initially loses interest in her.

    Much like George R.R. Martin’s twisted Sexual Fetishes on display in “A Song of Fire and Ice”, Twilight speaks to Meyers’ deep seated psychological issues and how ultimately the woman herself has some fairly unhealthy concepts about relationships – and about females in general. Bella has no personality, no desires, no goals beyond becoming a Vampire. It’s actually depressingly close to reality where so many youth bank their future on becoming a Sports Superstar. But at the same time, it’s still a page from the early 20th Century Women’s Play Book to find a Husband and get Hitched before your deemed “too old” and damn your own future.

    Twilight is a series that just makes me uncomfortable because of its unhealthy message and how popular it is in the mainstream consciousness. But I do give it props for one thing: It manages to make all previously crappy Vampire fiction look better in comparison. It takes a special series to make Dracula 2000 and Queen of the Damned seem like masterpieces of vampiric lore.

    Finally, to knock out this massive rant, I’d just like to say the most outlandish part of the whole franchise has to be that these twips *keep going back to High School*. I might not be able to speak for anyone but myself but High School was a vestibule of Hell and I couldn’t wait to be rid of the place and the people. Bella going to a new High School and immediately becoming the most popular girl in school by virtue of simply being new was hard enough to swallow, but a century old creature willingly repeating the same four years over and over again? I mean…why? Like Spoony pointed out in this review: *They Own A Island*. I can think of several thousand better things to do with my time then participate in High School for eternity.

    • doresh

      Bella doesn’t want to become a vampire. It’s just a means to an end. Her REAL goal – besides banging a vampire – is becming immortal. She’s not even grown-up, and already fears that she might look old and ugly one day. Stephanie Meyer’s “brillaint” writing reinforces this: Bella’s little hellspawn grows so fast so that she herself will barely age in the meantime.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      1. Dracula 20000 wasnt that bad
      2. Yeah high school sucks…if I had to relive it Id burn the place to the ground

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      I actually liked high school. It’s college I can’t fucking stand. I can’t leave the background and make friends, but I was always among my own kind in high school.

      I guess I was just fortunate. We never had a big football team, and tuition was relatively cheap for a private school, so there really weren’t any jocks or preppy kids to hassle us. Again, REALLY fortunate, cause one asshole could have made all of that go south.

    • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

      At least we have an example to show people what NOT to do for a relathionship.

  • http://twitter.com/PhiaMoth PhiaMoth

    The problem with reviews like this is that I get the overwhelming urge to chase after poor Spoony with a blanket and a cup of soothing herbal tea. And this is not liable to be a good thing, since I doubt he wants strange fangirls showing up on his doorstep with a kettle of boiling water and a big sack (to put the blanket and tea in, of course).

    • Anonymous

      I love how that’s simultaneously creepy and adorable. :D

  • Anonymous

    If you think about it the vampire is what 100+ years old and he starts seeing Bella when shes what 16 years old (or younger) thats got to make him a mega-fucking-pedophile.

    Now imagine if you are 65 (a senior god citizen)+ years ol and what woud happen if you were hanging out with a 16 old for 2 years so that you could bang her in 2 years whens she’s 18 and you are 67. It would be like banging your grandfathers old friend if you were his granddaughter.

    • Anonymous

      You mean Serbian Film?

      When I hear “Siberian Film,” I’m picturing burly Russian lumberjacks chainsawing bears in half.

      I’d watch the fuck out of that.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      it would be more statutory rape than anything else, I think bella is 18 by this point so shes legal. Pedophilia is more towads poeple under 13. but its still not cool, not because its illegal, but its because we have a pansie vampire thats the poster boy for vampires right now, where as Im getting berated by moms for liking true blood, where the vampires and humans, and shifters, and god knows what else have sex all the time. hell the first episode of season one we got to see titties 4 times. Im not agaisnt paranormal sex, I mean if Captain Kirk can fuck every green or blue skinned woman in the galaxy, that I can get a blowjob from a sexy vampire chick..which Im sure smeyer has never givin one anyway…but then I wouldn’t let that bitch blow me for a 400 dollar check, I dont care if she swallows or not. Thats my problem with alot of chick writers, they only do missionary in their works,(thank god for Charlene Harris) She had her main charector sookie get it from behind in the second book

  • http://twitter.com/Das_Bass Matt DiPasquale

    I see you have Saints Row: the third, Spoony! I’d just relax and play that. 

  • http://twitter.com/SwedishBallsack Jonathan Andersson

    If I was forced to watch Twilight, I’d get shitfaced afterwards too.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      Id get shitfaced drunk during

  • Anonymous

    Uh, why would I want to watch you passive aggressively shit on your ex with two unfunny assholes in a movie that is almost as long as the movie you are reviewing?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amanda-Crouse/100001237394149 Amanda Crouse

      From the sound of it, you did watch it. The entire thing. The person you should address this question to should be yourself.

      • Anonymous

        Trust me, I feel nothing but regret.

        • Anonymous

          uhm…it’s a vlog? Whiskey was involved…and I dont really think Spoony has any sort of game plan with these. hence the length. lol. 

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

          “Oh god, I regret punching myself in the face. Hang on, I’m gonna do it some more.”

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amanda-Crouse/100001237394149 Amanda Crouse

          From your bitter stance and the way you keep claiming Spoony said mean things about his ex, I theorize that you are either said ex or a friend of hers trying to needle and torture this poor man for everything he’s worth.  It’s not my fault, nor Spoony’s fault, that your mother didn’t love you enough, and that your father loved you a little too much. Go somewhere else.

    • Anonymous

      You fucking knew what you were going to get. It’s a vlog and he said right away that he was going to get drunk. What the hell did you expect?

      God, I hate people who need to complain about shit they could easily just not watch. Stop ruining stuff for the rest of us who like it. It’s the same thing with the story lines, people just had to complain about them even though they could have just as well ignored them (especially the way Spoony does them leaving most of the story scenes to the end of the video). While probably like 90% of fans love them.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        There was a very serious episode where Scarlett broke up with Spoony in February 2011.

        In fact, all of the evidence I’ve seen about Scarlett’s impact on The Spoony Experiemnt has been negative. She established some very oppressive rules in the forums that are only now being overturned. The ‘Oh, Internet’ page marks October of 2008, when Scarlett and Noah got together, as the beginning of Noah’s downward spiral.

        From what I’ve seen in the past eight months, following Noah’s messy break-up, it’s easy to theorize that Scarlett really wrecked Noah. I don’t know anything first hand, but Scarlett’s influence appears to be largely negative. Spoony needs to get over her and move on if he wants to get healthy.

        • http://twitter.com/Veddabredda Védís Rúnarsdóttir

          Where? I can’t seem to find this video. Is it a vlog, or what? Can you link it to me?

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            I think there were some tweets.

            Wow, this page is DEAD! I need to get a life.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      Hey, I remember you. You were the guy who posted incoherent insults on Spoony’s depression page. Everyone told you to shut up and be respectful to a man with a crippling mental illness.

      At least when I leave stupid posts (WWE in five seconds), I don’t deliberately try to be an offensive asshole. I suppose calling everything unfunny and throwing your own shit is easier than making a coherent argument that people might actually listen to.

      There are legitimate problems with The Spoony Experiment that you could be talking about right now. But you don’t care about real problems. You just like to bitch without reason and feed on hype.

    • Anonymous

      o hi troll

  • http://twitter.com/TeumansBubulis Edgars Sondors

    Sure it’s slightly embarrassing, but i can still appreciate the fun of it. While not being a drinker i watched this one and dammit, wanted to go somewhere and start drinking with my friends or something. Oh and im still thinking to myself and that falls in the vampire biology thing. How CAN a vampire fuck, i mean, isnt it assumed that it’s dead? Is the heart supporting the blood flow or not, because if it isnt, then how can Edward even get a boner. This baffles me every time i think about this goddamn crap.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amanda-Crouse/100001237394149 Amanda Crouse

    Spoony, I’m sorry you had to sit through that awful movie alone. And then taped yourself self-medicating for our own amusement. XD

    Next time, try ‘Royal Canadian’. It’s much better whiskey than ‘Canadian Club’, and it’s cheaper in most places. Goes down smooooth. 

    It’s true! Movies, especially cheesy bad ones, are best shared with like-minded companions.  I hope you find some to create many happy memories with in the near future. 

  • Anonymous

    WHAT THE FUCK?! LINKARA WAS AT YOUMACON AND THE ROAST OF LITTLEKURIBOH? AND SPOONY DID A VIDEO?! FUCK! I WAS AT YOUMACON! I SHOULD’VE GONE TO THE ROAST! 

    …GOD DAMNIT!

  • Anonymous

    You should move to Australia, start a new life here and I’ll be your best friend and we’ll watch movies and riff on them for the rest of our lives. :)

  • Anonymous

    You could also move from dickhead village and get over Scarlet. Maybe make a real video or something. – Signed, your pal, Guru Larry.

    • Calvin Jarchow

      If you’re going to impersonate Guru Larry, could you at least think of something clever and brittish sounding to say? Or think, or something, or nevermind.

      • Anonymous

        That’s the best part. Saving my screen shots for Spoonys ED article and no one thinks it could really be me.

        • Matthew Eis

          lol Guru larry, how far you’ve fallen. Always bitter over other peoples popularity. Least Spoony at his most drunk, morose, and rambling is more entertaining than you. 

  • Calvin Jarchow

    I’m in the middle of this video also drinking and laughing my head off over, “I’m sorry… I fucked you too hard…”

  • Anonymous

    Dude, I had two shots over a bottle of vodka and I dont know how can anybody read this shit lol. Loved the vid, but this Scarlet drinking evening, fuck that. Gonna ruin you. Take your time. and get back. I loved it. but it sucks, coupleded with meds. Have a mean hangover and get better man. Lova ya

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kim-Smith/100000682553835 Kim Smith

    aww spoony kinda sad at the end when you said you dont have a friend and the your girlfriend left you, almost made me a little teary eyed :( hope you will feel better soon and dont overwork yourself :) we will understand.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kim-Smith/100000682553835 Kim Smith

      move to Norway and i gladly be your friend :D (then you dont need to worry about the warmth in arazona, then you can worry about the cold) :p

      • Ronny Kjølstad

        Yeah, Norway is awesome :D

    • Calvin Jarchow

      I get Spoony’s point of view with seeing that crap by himself. When you are with somebody who is on the same snarky wavelength it makes the experience infinitely better. He wasn’t nearly as sad as the comments implied before I got to that point

  • Ronny Kjølstad

    I followed your example and started drinking heavily while watching this.

    The last hour was hillarious. Captain morgan and Captain Spoony saved my day. xD

  • Anonymous

    this is probably really funny but once the booze kicked in i stopped watching^^ i respect you way too much to see you break down like that.
    but i suppose you kinda needed that!
    and on the other hand… i probably couldnt handle breaking dawn without booze, too. and i dont drink as well!

  • http://twitter.com/FleacyTheSheep Desiree X

    For Breaking Dawn Part 2 you should watch it with a bunch of fans at a con :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nathan-Ellis/100002419726549 Nathan Ellis

    this was like a dark comedy. We get a sincere post about depression right before a video of spoony drinking on camera for the first time, after seeing one of the worst movies this year (that’s saying a lot) and going into funny but almost heartbreaking mentions of the ex-girlfriend. The vlog might as well have been called “breaking down” because that was a tragic yet genius oscar wilde-esque descent into the real heart of an internet critic we just saw.

  • http://twitter.com/RedSuitCaseXxX Sofie Liv Pedersen

    Spoony.

    I respect you a lot, and I do not think less of you because of this. Time has been hard.

    But drinking in front of a camera really wasn’t the brightest of ideas, especially not when you were all ready so tired, sad and well. Just, do yourself a favour and don’t do it again, I don’t want to see you like this, it actually hurts a bit to see you like that.

    Please take care of yourself and get better soon.

    • http://twitter.com/Enerccio Peter Vanusanik

      All of the reviewers do “fake drunkenness” reviews, but spoony did it the hard time. I applaud for that.

    • Anonymous

      GEEZ. Would you people chillax?

      He just saw Breaking Dawn.

      HE JUST SAW BREAKING DAWN.

      COOL IT. HE’LL BE FINE.

    • Emiliano Pablo Carballo Márque

      the thing its that this its his work, drinking isnt his booze, bad movies and games are, he its loney, sad, and tierd, the time had been hard for he, all that its true.
      but noah its a good person, and drinking its not a reason to asume that, his private life its no a reason for making this kind of observations, its his work, he actually watch something that make him drink, like any normal person would after this movie.
      even if times had been hard or not, even if he had open his heart at the end of this video or not, thats not the work of the viewer to notice, its to agreed or disagreed, beacuse(and i repeat) this is his work.
      hope he finds what he need like the rest of the people here, but seriously, give him a break, his private life has been kinda messy and he just saw a piece of shit and was thanksfull with jw and linkara for sticking with him in this video even knowing from the start that this could turn on bad.

  • http://twitter.com/Exaveron Cord Sims

    had some of my fine scotch with you.

  • Anonymous
    • Anonymous

      HE’S THE NICEST GUY IN EVERY MOVIE.

      BUT EVERYONE WANTS TO MESS WITH ‘EM.

  • Anonymous

    Dont you have any real life friends Spoony, I would thought you had other nerd friends. I have always been a loner.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

    “Guess what, Bella? Her name is Renesme!”

    *Flatline*

    “Bella?”

    • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

      At least she won’t be confused for someone else.

  • joyousinsurrectionofcalloohcal

    That was actually a really enjoyable video. You’re an endearing character, man. So are Linkara and Jew Wario.

  • http://twitter.com/Adamfromky Adam Todd

    Hey man, get Crown Royal next time. 2 parts crown, one part coca-cola is a damn fine drink!

    I like your drinking reviews as well.  You gotta go off the fucking deep end every now and then, and booze is good for that.I wish I was able to get drunk as easily as you though.  I’ve had periods of not drinking for 6+ months, and then done 10 shots of tequila and barely feel a damn buzz.   Count your blessings for not having the retarded tolerance that Irish genetics curses me with.

  • Anonymous

    dude im just gonna say one thing dont drink man not reveiws stick to cola

  • Anonymous

    HA, Spoony can always cheer himself up by playin Saints Row 3. : )

  • Anonymous

    Poor Spoony. : <

  • Anonymous

    I hate seeing you like this man. There’s clearly a lot on your mind and you need to give yourself a little time. Honestly, I’m not the best listener but if you want someone new to talk to, just to get shit off your chest let me know. Booze is not the way out.

  • Anonymous

    Spoony your kind of a sad drunk. :(

    I would totes go watch bad movies with you and get drunk!

    Feel better bro.

    Also this movie sounds atrociously bad, like, how could it be this fucking horrible kind of bad.

  • Danny Keary

    wow i knew twilight was bad but wow this movie sounds like a who new level of bad, great review/vlog i enjoyed it. I hope to see more final fantasy soon :)

  • Danny Keary

    wow i knew twilight was bad but wow this movie sounds like a who new level of bad, great review/vlog i enjoyed it. I hope to see more final fantasy soon :)

  • http://twitter.com/Enerccio Peter Vanusanik

    It’s me or “jacob said: *burp*” was hilarious?

  • http://twitter.com/JOSHItheDrako Joshua Jimenez

    so she would have a Dhampire? They are AWESOME! Just think of Alucard!… Twilight still sucks…

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_CDH76DNZMJBSDTQ2FGJSD7LVQY Terri

      Or Vampire Hunter D, that’ll be great too.  Explains why he hunts vampires, “because Twilight sucked”.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_CL5LGLTLDSGXW73WU7OFUXTGIA stephen

    Well… scorpions glow in the dark… and supposedly this makes the ones that are smart stay hidden when they’re glowing bright… maybe the sparkle thing is to tell them “Hey… now is not a good time to drag someone into an alley and murder them for food. People can see you.” DAMN YOU SPOONY ONE! You made me actually give this sparkle thing some credibility in some way. They sparkle because the lady who wrote this crap is an idiot he replaced every instance of the word fairy with vampire and then the fucking editor made her modify the story a little bit. They are fairies. No one would read this shit or watch these shitty movies if they hadn’t changed that.

    • Anonymous

      Is that actually true about them originally being fairies?  Because suddenly the whole thing (or, at least the first movie)  Makes *so* much more sense.  (I mean, it still kinda doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t make much less sense than before).

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_CL5LGLTLDSGXW73WU7OFUXTGIA stephen

        That is something that I came up with all on my own after reading a reimagining of Rapunzel written in a bit more of a Grimm Fairy Tales manner where the stepmother is the good guy and the daughter is a fairy child. Turns out fairies can be pretty brutal evil monstrosities. Rapunzel would use her song to brainwash people and animals and then tear them apart with her hair.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GX7GKN22HDMFE7FCKFIG43QBTA John Roomer

    I noticed your dog wanted your booze, good thing you didn’t give any to him, or he may turn out like the dog from Strange Brew

    • http://twitter.com/TheMMOFifty TheMMOFifty

      umm, Oreo is a girl

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GX7GKN22HDMFE7FCKFIG43QBTA John Roomer

        Well I didn’t know

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GX7GKN22HDMFE7FCKFIG43QBTA John Roomer

    Making out when they say, “You may know kiss the bride.”? The same happened at my uncle’s wedding

  • Pandora Orosco

    um, Spoony, are you okay? I’m not ungrateful for the video and all but you just seem devastated, I don’t think you should have made the vid in such condition.

  • regon206

    the first sign of the apocalypse has come

  • Anonymous

    I visit the site and see Spoony surrounded by 2 bottles of alcohol and 1 beer can, lying on the table. Then I see it’s 1 and a half hour long. You know instantly Breaking Dawn is the American title for the next twilight movie xD what else can this be about?

    • Anonymous

      For the record, that was a can of caffeine free Diet Coke, not beer.

      • Anonymous

        damn, thought i edited that. but still it looked pretty bad^^

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        Ugh, I hate Diet Coke. I’m okay with other diet drinks, but Diet Coke is just an old man’s soda.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_CL5LGLTLDSGXW73WU7OFUXTGIA stephen

    You know… I always pictured that somewhere on the blooper reel of those To Catch a Predator show there’s the guy who’s just at the wrong address. He bought a washer/dryer on Craigslist and has to pick it up and got lost.

  • sarah sword

    I wish I was able to tell you, in this very small and very public box, how much your situation parallels my own right now.

    If I didn’t live half-way across the country you’d never want for a bad-movie-buddy ever again.

    Sarah

  • http://twitter.com/Mraasveld Myrthe Raasveld

    So you’re not seeing the second one? Let me spoil the ending for you:

    While Meyer builds up to the final battle, the characters stand around and talk about nothing for almost twenty chapters. Then Meyer realizes she has never written an action scene before and replaces the battle with more talking and standing around.

    FUCKING INGENIUS RIGHT

    Hope you’ll feel better soon, Spoony. Take good care of yourself. We all love you :)

    • Anonymous

      I’ve heard this from several places now, that in the rest of the book that BD Part 1 didn’t cover, an even more massive amount of Absolutely Nothing happens.  This has got me morbidly curious as to how they could possibly squeeze a full movie out of it.  One massive 90 minute “preparing for the big battle” montage, perhaps?

  • Anonymous

    It was nice of you to pull through and watch this horrible movie and it’s always entertaining to hear you talk about it, just take it a bit easy. There is no reason to put this amount of energy and alcohol into a movie like that. It’s obviously not worth it.

  • http://twitter.com/GA3050 Private

    You should drink more often, u seam like a fun drunk.

  • Anonymous

    Heh. You don’t actually sound that much different drunk.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_AS6P27NUTGFNYSELSQOS6CKTJ4 Richard R

    This was very enjoyable.

  • Anonymous

    You mean Serbian Film?

    When I hear “Siberian Film,” I’m picturing burly Russian lumberjacks chainsawing bears in half.

    I’d watch the fuck out of that.

  • Ana Cardoso

    Ok just a quick coment, Reneesme is the name of her mom and ed’s mom combined, not the island dude. I liked the movie, i am enjoying seeing you quite drunk cause it is funny as hell!

  • http://twitter.com/BoggyManOct31 Mike Buckley

    I have to say I think this might be your most awesome moment of awesome. Some people see it as dark but I see it as honest and I hope it was cathartic for you.

    PS Take it from a professional alcoholic, mixing 2 types of hard liquor (especially starting with lower proof rum first) is not a good idea. :-) Hope you didn’t get too hung over later.

    • Anonymous

      I got drunk once at my uncles wedding.

      I drank Beer, wine, scotch, rum and mixers.

      The next day I was so sick, my nanna, who was sleeping in the other room thought that I sounded like a cat yowling when I vomited into the toilet.

  • http://twitter.com/Jalunow Jalil Granges

    hey spoony, that was hilarious but be carefull with the booze…

  • http://twitter.com/Celmapper Christopher E Laney

    Very hilarious, also glad you seem to be feeling better.

  • Anonymous

    I saw this movie too a couple nights ago. People actually applauded at the scene where Bella’s spine snapped.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      you getting me, anytime theres a chance of Bella getting hurt, my friends and I alike….GET HER GET HER! hell the first time the van almost got her we were like….”HIT HER HIT HER HIT HER!!

  • http://idigcomics.tumblr.com/ Matt

    For fuck’s sake, someone PLEASE explain to me how an undead creature can have a half-undead baby and how said baby is able to age super-fast even though vampires aren’t supposed to age. And by “explain to me”, I mean try to tell me how this isn’t completely fucking retarded and horribly written. Anyone? Didn’t think so.

    • http://twitter.com/MorphineSJ Morphine SJ

      Well… it goes something like this:
      Your undead sperm carry undead genetic information. When it happens to find an ova (by mere physics, because undead sperm is completely still) and that undead sperm gets inside the ova (once again, by pure physics) then its time for the ova to tho its part.
      It recognizes that the sperm is dead but still carries important genetic information (like the color red of your eyes) and then takes that information and with that begins it’s process.
      Most of the time, the ova is unable to process undead information (is kind of running .exe in Mac) but if the conception is made in Region 4 (a.k.a. Latin America) something different happens.
      “The natural quantities of caffeine that are part of Central America’s air, improves the abbility of normal human being to procreate” (Schnauzer, 1944)
      That explains the overpopulation in that part of the world, and raises questions about the correlation of Chai and India’s population… but I digress.
      So, now you have an über fertile ova taken from an overexcited young necrophiliac and the desperate need of attention (acting as some sort of placebo effect) working to get a dead and cold seed to bloom.
      The aging process is genetically inhered from the necrophiliac mother.

      Now, the baby couldn’t be considered a “half-undead” that term is widely rejected. The proper term would be “quasi mortis”, and its a term applied to organisms that emulate life almost to the point of 100% ratio.

      So, there is the explanation you wanted. Be careful with what you wish for:

      TL;DR: Some made up explanation for the question asked.

      • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

        The more important question is, how does he get it up with no blood circulation? Does he need to kill and eat right before having sex to have some moving blood?

  • Anonymous

    Confound these shitty vampires, they drive me to drink!

  • http://twitter.com/Hazzerman Albert Gustafsson

    lol this xD

  • Stephen Matthews

    Actually a painfully real, kind of sweet video… I think I had a similar year to you, buddy, down to getting drunk with my brother and watching the RiffTrax to New Moon, then ranting about Bella well into the night.  Surprisingly curative.

  • Jan Itor

    This is one of those perfectly valid reasons to get drunk. That said, i wanted to write something meaningful but i’m way to hungover to think of something, so i’m just gonna curl up in bed again and curse a god whose existence i highly doubt. nice video anyway

  • Anonymous

    If Spoony makes a “Crazy fucked-up latex sex” t-shirt, I’ll buy it. Especially if it says “I heard that, Curtis!” on the back.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1441642492 JoeCB91

    If it makes you feel any better Spoony, I have never had a drink in my life, so one shot of that Kraken stuff would probably fuck me up beyond all recognition.

  • Anonymous

    Is it bad that I started watching this review, paused it like 20 minutes in, went out (at like.. maybe 11:00 at night), saw the movie, came back, and finished the review at like four in the morning?

    Let me answer that myself.  Since I had absolutely no alcohol in my system the whole night, the answer is yes.

  • http://twitter.com/JackfromPT João Monteiro

    Hey, Spoony, glad to have you back, even if half-drunk…I told you Twilight Movies were hazardous to your health!
    Now for a few comments on the movie at hand.

    1-Last time I saw a romance this insipid was in “Roswell”, and in that show the supporting cast helped a lot to salvage what was an otherwise laughable attempt at the drama of two star-crossed teenagers from different world falling in love. I liked the show, didn´t like Liz and liked Max even less.
    “Twilight” has no saving grace whatsoever. If only Alice would dress less…huh…conservatively, this “saga” might not have been such a colossal bore, but whatever.

    2-If I had Jacobs abs, I probably wouldn´t be bothering about Christen Stewart.

    3-Wonder if Alice is dating anyone…

    4-They go to Rio de Janeiro and there´s not a single Bossa Nova tune being played? What the hell?
    Plus, a vampire that sparkles by the sunlight should probably chose someplace else to spend his honeymoon…

    5-By the way, chess can be great as foreplay! Have you ever seen Mel Brooks´ “History of the World”? Knight jumps queen, bishop jumps queen…You can´t shrug off innuendo this strong!

    6-Why didnt´he just turned her into a vampire and then bang her? With her mortal frailities out of the way, you´d probably try the whole frikking Kamasutra while in Rio…

    7-DIY – C-section for dummies…

    8-I have heard of pretty fucked up names for children, but Reneesme? Aren´t there any laws against this kind of stuff?

    9-I can´t, for the life of me, find any sort of romance on a birthing that involves ribs pushing, spine-cracking, teeth munching and all sorts of stuff you´d feel more confortable if you saw it in a kitchen, while preparing turkey for thanks-giving.

    10-Pedhopilia 1-0-1. Just don´t do it!

    11-See the exciting finale for the Twilight Saga next year, and if at all possible, avoid taking any flammable objects with you when you do!

    Well, that´s my two cents worht on the matter! Glad to see you again, avoid the hard stuff, that shit won´t do you any good. And don´t drink too much as well!

    From Jack ;)

    • Anonymous

      I can answer the question about why he doesnt just turn her into a vampire and then screw her.

      She wants to fuck him while she is human…which is disturbing.

      Try and imagine cuddling a ice sculpture, or even worse, imagine that ice sculpture is pushing it’s cock into you.

      Not a nice thought eh? well, thats what “i’m so beautiful” Bella wants!

      Gods, I hate her!

      • http://twitter.com/JackfromPT João Monteiro

        I believe this picture from artist Shinga (at Deviantart.com) explains things far better than I ever could:
        http://shinga.deviantart.com/gallery/406522#/d3036qe

        The fact it´s a really bad story from the get go doesn´t shock me. The fact it´s so popular does. Have we come to a point we have no standards any more?
        That´s it! I´m done! First chance I get, I´ll sit down and start my own epic story! Between Michael Bay´s dull and noisyTransformers and Stephany Meyer´s glowing vegan vampires, I can hardly do worse!

  • kristopher_kross

    Dude I feel your pain. I have worked in a move theater for the past 2 years. Which means I’ve had to deal with the last 3 movies. I makes me wanna kill myself.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/keyblademaster333#p/a/f/1/oAlztMvvNkk Keyblademaster333

    Sorry Spoony but your dog was making me watch her this whole video XDDD

  • Dylan Ryan

    Glad to see you got Saints Row: The Third to cheer you up!

  • http://twitter.com/SanctuaryLover V Tesla

    I tried reading the twilight books it didnt work i threw it across the room it was that bad

  • Anonymous

    Nothing to be ashamed of. This was awesome. :D

    Keep it up!

  • http://twitter.com/CosmicKirby Tyler Wheatley

    Puppy is a great video sidekick.

    Also, I spy Saints Row the Third!

  • http://cassave.deviantart.com/ Anonymous

    Booze as they say, is an acquired taste.

  • http://twitter.com/2500kgm3 2500kgm3

    To be honest, I love your analytical reviews and the way you reviewed the Twilight movies previously (your analysis of why Bella is way more evil than any well known antagonist in movies such as Star Wars was AMAZING)

    I can see your mind trying to bring us another analysis on that same level of reasoning, but having trouble being as coherent and following your train of thought.

    I assume sleep deprivation is an important part of that problem. I am sure alcohol didn’t help you to sound more coherent, however. I think that is a pity, and after watching this I can totally say I prefer you while you’re sober. 

    While I am aware you are willing to bring us posts and reviews on a regular schedule, I do really have patience to wait for you to solve your health and sleep problems, and I am sure most of your fans will wait too. Take you time. Take it easy, because we will still be here. 

    After watching you in this state, it has left me a bit more worried about your health as and I’m sure booze won’t make it easier for you.  

    • http://profiles.google.com/spoonseeker Spoon Seeker

      I agree to what you’ve written. When I have to admit, that when I started up the video that I had to stop it again 15 minutes in and take a break. I’ve been watching Spoony’s videos for quite a while now, and I’ve never seen him in such a destructive state.
      He even brought up Scarlette, which made me worry even more. Heart break is a terrible thing, and alcohol + depression and especially plus various anti depressants are never a good mix.

      I’d rather wait for a video as well instead of seeing Spoony torture himself.

  • http://twitter.com/Blekame Alexander Brunström

    The reasoning behind the female name seems very close to the formula used for deciding porn names.

  • http://twitter.com/Kerrus Kerrus

    I don’t drink booze at all, but I’d be perfectly willing to conference call you if you need a dude to talk to when you’re all weird up from bad movies or whatever, haha.

  • pred129a

    Oh Crap, Spoony has released the Kracken!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/L33Tpete Pete

    If you’re gonna talk for an hour and a half I think you might as well turn it into a podcast and make it available as an MP3 download. That way people can listen to it at work/in the car/in between classes, etc. instead of having to sit in front of our computers and just watch a video that doesn’t really show us anything interesting to look at. Just some constructive feedback. Hope you start feeling better soon both for your own sake and also for us fans who love to watch your shows.

    • Anonymous

      Someone suggested that way towards the beginning and Spoony replied that there was an option to click & download an MP3 on the Blip.TV page for this video.

      • http://twitter.com/L33Tpete Pete

        Thanks for the tip.

  • Zero Beat

    ne thing to never do when depressed is drink. With that much Its like a mood enhancer, itll take whatever youre feeling and triple it. Feeling good? Youll feel great.

    Feeling down? Youre going to get really depressed

  • RosieRoses

    Ah God, poor guy :( .

  • Anonymous

    Jesus Spoony, you have to bring SOMEONE with you for the next one, if you even see it at all. I seriously don’t think you’ll survive otherwise. :(

  • http://twitter.com/MorphineSJ Morphine SJ

    Oh Noah… I was able to endure the whole damn movie last night, but I just couldn’t endure to watch all of this video.
    I don’t see how you could think it was a good idea to post this video man.

    We love you man… we really do, but you have to stop making an ass of yourself.

    And by the way… shame on Linkara and Justin for not telling you it was a bad idea.

    I hope you get better soon and please PLEASE let this be your last video drinking.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_NVJNQGW2WVWWV656NQH4NKOZWM jim

    Spoony I love your reviews and V-logs but thias video was quite tough to watch since all your fans are aware you are having a tough time at the moment. From my own experiences these crappy moments do pass but it takes time sometimes.
    I think it is important for you to keep busy as the more you are by yourself the more youll think about how much things suck.
    Maybe also take some time out from the show, your fans are not going anywhere, take a month, 3 months even longer if you need it. Maybe a bit of sould searching will will help you get yourself back together. If you need to talk to someone, find a close friend or someone to get you through this.
    I hope you get better soon,
    take your time and all the best
    your biggest fan
    jam

  • Anonymous

    Why couldn’t her name be Renee Esme as opposed to Renesme? Esme is a real name!

  • http://twitter.com/Reyntaru Brandon Edwards

    So I’ve watched your reviews for a few years now.  I actually think some of the first that I was was your Monster Traxx vids.  I’ve been a long time fan and for the most part can really agree to see eye to eye on alot of things that you feel are good or bad when it comes to movies and games.  Aside from FF (before XI because we all know enix just made complete trash of everything else).
    I know you’re having alot of down moments recently but there are people that watch you because you’re fun and you’re the kind of friend we all with we had living next door.  You’re awesome ^^.
    There’s also alot of people that you inspire to put themselves out there to just do what they enjoy.  You’re why I’ve gotten a buddy of mine to start a podcast with him over movie/game reviews.

    You really do have more than just fans, we wanna be your friends and here for you too ^^.
    I’m Ethereyn on skype.  You always have tons of people that you can talk to.

    Keep reviewing!! ^^.  But take care of yourself too

  • Anonymous

    This shit was fucking awesome, especially since Linkara and that other dude aren’t playing some silly roles, and just act fucking normal. I really enjoyed this one, the drinking made it even more fun to watch, it gave an overall feelgood vibe.
    I hope you get better, bro, if you’re still feeling depressed. I hope for the best for you man, you’ve given me year after year plenty of hours of entertainment, I just wish I could say the same for myself.

  • http://twitter.com/eAvengers Bernd Mayer

    Thank you for this review. Awesome!

  • Lala

    My friends and I were watching this playing D&D pathfinder last night, and we got on a LONG tangent about the Twilight series in general. Though if we had booze, it would have been so much better. Spoony, if I lived by you, I’d go with you to see the next Twilight movie just to help you through it, and riff it quietly of course. ^_^

  • http://twitter.com/Shirokurou Shirokurou

    One of the funniest vids I’ve seen ever…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

    That whole imprint pat made me think of the Ouroboros prelude chapter from the oWoD book Gehenna.

  • Anonymous

    I remember the first movie being pretty painful to sit through. It took large amounts of weed/booze and several friends to make it all the way. Even then I still felt ashamed at what I’d just seen. I’d need to drink too after seeing this (and probably will) just like I did with the last three movies.

  • http://twitter.com/ElizabethStr Elizabeth Sterling

    Honest, fun and an interesting insight in to some talented performers. A break from the norm but I doubt a cry for help. Keep on keeping on, Noah.

  • http://twitter.com/Darth_Minase Taki Minase

    I actually watched the whole thing and laughed my ass off. And Spoony, Interview with the Vampire kicks ass. Just saying.

    • http://twitter.com/ElizabethStr Elizabeth Sterling

      Maybe so but Anne Rice is a wingnut to rival Ann Coulter.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        how do you figure? OK her leaving Christianity on account of the politics the church’s have that shes against and for(shes pro gay rights, the church is not, shes pro choice, the church is not). And she does have a hard time with criticsm,(but hey that gave us that hilariouse in charector rant in blood canticle on the fan reaction over mennoc the devil) but she seems like one of the sweetest women in literature(met her at the comic and shared a coffee with her when I volunteered last summer) Is she the greatest writer in the world, absolutely not, is she the worst, definitely not, is she for everyone, no. But Spoony is right, even though he doesn’t seem to care for her work(not sure of his true opinion) she did put some effort into her vampire lore. Smeyer does not. Heck some of the stuff Ive heard about smeyer seems lifted from some of Anne’s work as there are some similarities, unintentionally.

        1.  Teenager becomes vampire after giving birth to crazy hybrid baby(Romona Mayfair gives birth to taltos which grows at a fast rate, gets turned by lestat, Bella gives birth to the stupid named hybrid, which grows really fast,  gets turned by edward)
        2. a boring brooding, moody brunette(Edward and Louie) a snarky fun loving bratty blonde(lestat, um no example in twilight to match that one, though the actor playing the cullen dad looks like what I imagined Lestat to be…just give him longer hair)
        3. Dude with dreadlocks gets killed(okay thats only the movies, but Im just bitching at this one)
        4. creepy child vampire in the ranks(CLaudia in rice, the one dekota fanning plays)

        eitherway, when Anne does something that seems wrong and taboo, its because its intentional, when smeyer does it, its unintional, she thinks its okay and swell….both use purple prose, where is smeyer’s purple prose is just annoying, Rice’s purple prose(atleast for me) kind of enhances the work as it is coming from the hedonistic mindset of her charectors(even looking at a womans back is kind of erotic in Lestats eyes) neither are truly grade A material, but Anne is atleast kind of fun, even when she goes on philosphical Tagents. THe grossest thing I can name was when Lestat made out with his freshly turned mother (I swear the dude has more mommy issues than Sephiroth) and when he drank the period blood out of a NUN’s vagina afte escaping purgetory(serisoly and poeple had a problem with him drinking from Jesus’s neck wounds….that wasnt so bad, but period blood, I had to slam the book on the table and go have a ciggerrete because that was so gross)…sorry for the rant, just making conversation….

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        but then again Anne did have a lot of incest and murder in her witches trilogy(shudders) and her mummy book did have alot of bi-sexual charectors, and her 3 sleepy beauty novels were basicly allot of messed up porn with very little plot(that including BDSM and all sorts of bondage…yeah I didnt even like those…I felt dirty after reading them, shudders) ok yeah you right shes a nutty dirty old woman…

        • http://twitter.com/Darth_Minase Taki Minase

          Holy shit, incest is one of my fetishes. Which one of the three books has the most?

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

            Uhhhh….what….please tell me you are joking about that….its been a while since I read the lives of the mayfair witches trilogy..but…seriously dude incest is one of your fetishes? look I like two lesbians who look alike but incest….um….what the fuck man……bisexual vampires I can handle, and but human incest….I take back what I said about Lestat kisssing his mother(with toungue, I mean human taboos no longer aplly to vampires….plus hes french….) but human incest…..dude what the hell

          • http://twitter.com/Darth_Minase Taki Minase

            Why do people have such a big problem with incest? I seriously don’t get it.

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

            I hope you’re using a condom….

          • http://twitter.com/Darth_Minase Taki Minase

            Obviously. As long as they’re both adults and it’s consensual, I don’t see the problem.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            You don’t have a sibling, do you? Because I have a brother, and that’s a REALLY nasty thought.

          • http://twitter.com/Darth_Minase Taki Minase

            I do have a little sister, and I’m not attracted to her. I just don’t see the problem with incest as long as they’re both adults and it’s consensual.

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

            well they’d better wear a condom then, because when to poeple who are related conceive, the child will be born very unhealthy(inbred children are often, but nott always, born malformed, and they usually do not live very long, and when they do their lives are very problematic. And if they are not  born looking like those freaks in the wrong turn films, there is a chance of desease being spread down the line, ie hemophilia in the British royal family) I was raised thinking of it as both gross and also scientifically taboo(mostly for the sake of the children’s health)  but hey if consensual incest what you are into, keep it to your self if you do not want to be judged or ostracized. What you do on your own time with, is none of my business, so I will not judge, but for god sake I don’t want to know about. no harm no disrespect. got it 

  • Anonymous

    Seriously I couldn’t even get through the first Twilight movie and I had a generous amount of beer handy. And I generally can sit through worse crap that Brad does and like it.
    I know I should give it another try one day but I can’t bring myself to do it.

    Anyway. Funny video and it kept me entertained the entire 92 minutes :D

  • http://twitter.com/mixmastermind mixmastermind

    You look like a crazy homeless man by the end of this. 

  • Lisandro Arau

    Spoony… drinking while taking anti depressants? Really?

    Are you gonna start smoking if you discover you have asthma?

    • http://twitter.com/ElizabethStr Elizabeth Sterling

      There is NO documented reaction between SSRIs and alcohol save slight drowsiness. This is true of most medicines, actually, the ‘no drinking’ thing is just a precaution and one night of drinking does not a problem make. Whilst we’re on the subject of wive’s tales alcohol does not kill brain cells and sugar does not cause hyperactivity.

      • Anonymous

        Elizabeth…are you trolling, or just misinformed?

        Links between antidepressants and alcohol consumption:
        http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/antidepressants-and-alcohol/AN01653

        Effects of alcohol on the brain, both short term and long term:
        http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa63/aa63.htm

        • http://twitter.com/ElizabethStr Elizabeth Sterling

          I suggest reading your links. The ‘mays’ and ‘mights’ are essentially jargon for ‘unproven and undocumented’. Hell, it doesn’t even make the same claims as you.

          “You may feel more depressed.” Alcohol as a depressant is well understood, it does not relate to SSRIs. Neither do: “Side effects may be worse if you also take another medication / If you take MAOIs, you may be at risk of a dangerous reaction / You may be at risk of alcohol abuse.”

          That second one doesn’t even list brain damage, it says:

          “People who have been drinking large amounts of alcohol for long periods of time run the risk of developing serious and persistent changes in the brain.”

          Actually read the articles.

          All of them.

          Even if you were right, (clue: you aren’t) one night of drinking =! any serious problem.

          • http://twitter.com/ElizabethStr Elizabeth Sterling

            Might as well clarify, on brain cells:

            “Alcohol does not necessarily kill brain cells. Alcohol can, however, lead indirectly to the death of brain cells in two ways: (1) In chronic, heavy alcohol users whose brains have adapted to the effects of alcohol, abrupt cessation following heavy use can cause exitotoxicity leading to cellular death in multiple areas of the brain.  In alcoholics who get most of their daily calories from alcohol, a deficiency of thiamine can produce Korsakoff’s syndrome which is associated with serious brain damage.”

            On SSRIs:”Evidence shows that fluoxetine does not react with alcohol. Similarly, sertraline, citalopram and escitalopram are unlikely to significantly increase side effects from drinking alcohol. However, if you’re taking fluvoxamine or paroxetine, the risk of drowsiness after drinking alcohol may be increased.”

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

            Again, this is not about BRAIN CELLS. The danger lies in potential damage to liver and kidneys.

          • http://twitter.com/ElizabethStr Elizabeth Sterling

            Which SSRIs do not carry. I looked at the FACTS. Notice the words: DOES NOT REACT WITH ALCOHOL.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            Can we all just agree that alcohol is bad on it’s own in large amounts? I mean, if alcohol is a depressant, it isn’t going to help. 

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            No, this IS about the brain! That’s what this whole conversation has been about: does alcohol react with depression medication?

            I get the feeling that you jumped into the conversation without reading everyone’s posts.

          • Anonymous

            lol wikipedia

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

            Stop being an idiot, Elizabeth Sterling.

            This has nothing to do with “alcohol killing the brain”. (Although alcohol, when imbibed in large quantities, is poisonous to cells. Ever heard of alcohol poisoning? What do you think a hang-over is?)

            Alcohol + medication (or any drug) is a BAD IDEA because

            1) Alcohol can either impede or amplify the effect of medication, and medications can amplify the effects of alcohol, just as taking several medications together can impede or amplify the effects..

            2) Many medications already have the potential to harm the liver and kidneys, heart or other organs (depending on medication) when taken in large doses or over other a long time. Which is why the blood chemistry of people on chronic medication (i.e. pain medication) is monitored regularly. Alcohol also has the potential of damaging the liver and kidneys. Heavy drinking and alcoholism WILL harm liver and kidneys.

            3) Alcohol will change the rate by which swallowed medications are absorbed into the bloodsteam and also the rate by which the liver and kidneys metabolize the medication.

          • http://twitter.com/ElizabethStr Elizabeth Sterling

            I posted my evidence, where’s yours? I went by the facts, not paranoia. Oh, and alcohol poisoning =! hangover. Most of what we consider a hangover is actually dehydration so I’m not sure where you got that idea but it wasn’t reality. Anything in large enough quantity kills cells, including but not limited to:

            Sugar
            Oxygen
            Water
            Salt
            etc.

            Know something about biology before you have the audacity to call someone else an idiot, sweetie.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            You know what else can kill you in the wrong amount. Nightshade. I hope you aren’t trying to downplay the potency of alcohol by saying that other things can kill you too.

            But your right about dehydration. I saw it on an alcohol related episode of Mythbusters.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            Wait, wait, wait…what does bringing up the kidney and liver have to do with the original conversation? I don’t think you need to PROVE to Elizabeth that alcohol can be poisonous. Everyone pretty much knows that. We are disputing ONE thing here: does alcohol react in any way with depression medication within the body?

            I know your concerned, but let’s try to keep this on topic. And don’t call people names. You may be wrong after all.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            About alcohol and the brain: just because alcohol doesn’t KILL brain cells doesn’t mean it won’t fuck with your brain chemistry. How do you think people get addicted?

            And with Spoony’s brain issues with seratonin levels/receptors, I don’t think a depressant like alcohol will help.

  • http://twitter.com/Evilkritter Evilkritter

    When someone writes your biography this year will be remembered as one of your most troubled and this video will be cited as proof. Best of luck to you in your quest for a regular and healthy sleep pattern.

    Because of this discussion, I am going to see Breaking Dawn (hopefully with the rifftrax). I mean wow.

  • http://twitter.com/sandraquachle Sandra Quach Le

    I love the review with you, Linkara, JewWario and little Oreo. Oreo is such the cutest little dog in the world.

    I hope you feel better Spoony. I wish I can give you a thousand hugs and cupcakes to make you feel better. If you want to talk, I’m not that far, I live in Phoenix, AZ, which is a hop, skip and drive away from Mesa.

  • Heather Solomon

    I had a friend who made me read the books. The books are… not bad. Not great mind you, but not bad. There are certain concepts I can definitely take from it but the sparkling? There is no excuse really.

    There are plot points that made no sense here which, in context of the book and the way they were handled there was a lot better. Not saying it’s not without its share of stupid, but like… the Imprinting thing? The book mentioned a certain member of the pack that had imprinted on a young child and yes it was uncomfortable there. It’s like, he’ll be the perfect mate/husband for her later on in life, but they do point out how awkward it is.. He loves her but has to wait until she’s legal age before they can do anything. But really, it was the ultimate cop-out so they could get Jacob’s doe-eyes off Bella.

    The reason vampire babies are bad is because in the Stephanie Mayer universe, a vampire’s mental age is pretty much set to whatever age they were when they became vampires. They CAN change over time, but it’s a slow slow process. A baby or young child being turned into a vampire though? they would have NO self control which is why they’re bad.

    Also Esme is the name of Carlisle’s wife. So the baby is being named after Bella’s birth mother and vampire mother-in-law. I thought the name was stupid too, just pointing out though that she wasn’t named after the island.

    I kinda don’t mind the idea of vampire venom to be honest, it does give a reason why victims that aren’t drained completely become vampires.

    Bella drinking Blood out of a sippy cup, while ridiculous is also a show of actually, character development. Bella (in the books) is very clumsy, uncoordinated, and detests the sight and smell of blood. Somehow, her pregnancy makes her crave it since, well that’s what the baby wants. Scientific? No. But it is funny in an ironic sense, seeing a girl who can’t stand blood CRAVING it like a pregnant woman craves pistachio ice cream topped with pickles and hot sauce.

    The Volturi HAD promised to check and make sure they converted Bella later, but probably wouldn’t have gone to see them for YEARS but for a friend of the Cullens (mentioned in the book) seeing Bella’s baby and running off to report them. Because of the forbidden vampire baby thing is why she turns them in, and she didn’t see the baby up close so she had no idea it was a hybrid.

    However, all that said – you want a better vampire movie and series? Check Vampire Hunter D. MUUUUCH BETTER.

  • Anonymous

    I love ya, Spoony. I don’t think anyone else could keep me entertained while talking about Twilight for an hour and a half. ^___^ You are made of awesome.

  • Anonymous

    spoony this was great, I was deprest from yesterday to today but this made me smile thanks man

  • http://twitter.com/rbsmcgrath Ryan McGrath

    This is great. Honestly, I’m going through a break-up right now, this video is helping me get through it. Thank you, Spoony.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kim-Smith/100000682553835 Kim Smith

    i kinda want to form a fan tour next year when the next Twilight movie comes out to see it with spoony since he had nobody to see it with. i would gladly pay for the plane ticket to fly from Norway to arazona just to cheer him up with alot of fans of hes. would be awesome times :D mainly to show him we actually really care about his work and what he means to us :)

  • http://UnholyFireDragon.com Unholy Fire Dragon

    I’m basically thinking and feeling about the same as most people here, based on the comments (ex.: the movie is terrible; I hate seeing you abusing your body and getting drunk; I love seeing you having a fun time with your friends; etc.).

    I do have one thing I’d like to say though, Spoony. You may want to separate your long videos into chunks (20min. each maybe?), for 2 reasons:
    - You’ll get more money, since you’ll have several videos getting you revenue instead of just one
    - You’ll have less of a hard time getting videos rendered and uploaded if things ever go wrong, and your viewers won’t have as much of a hard time dealing with the video (ex.: if it crashes or fails to load fully; the latter happened to me)

  • kaleb phillpott

    unholy fuck im a twilight fan but still

  • http://twitter.com/Flynn_Amy Amy Flynn

    Hey Spoony, first time commenter.  I love your videos, just got into them a couple months ago and have seen quite a few.  I love your counter monkey stories they are just gut bustlingly hilarious.  I laughed at this review, but man maybe you should consider taking it down and getting a good night sleep and doing a take 2 another time.  I actually couldn’t get through the whole thing because I just wanted to reach into the video and over the table and quietly pull the alcohol away after the first few shots.  I know your feeling pretty low lately.  I get that.  I’m in a professional program and NO ONE rpgs or even plays video games that I know.  In a really professional setting you can’t just ask “Hey Dr. Nick, do you have a DND group I could join, also your standing on the patient.”  I went to the local comic-con and was just filled with jealousy of all the nerdy people who had nerdy friends they can talk to about nerdy stuff.  I told my friends about Skyrim coming out and they were like, who’s that?  Sigh, I wish I wasn’t Canadian so we could hang out sometime because you are AWESOME.  Take as long as you need to put up the next video.  I’ve still got to go back and watch all the old ones I missed.

  • Anonymous

    Oh Spoony, I hope you don’t have a hang over. Thank you for braving this piece of padded crap alone for our entertainment. My tummy hurts just from the descriptions. There are no words to properly express my utter disgust with this damn series. I love sci-fi and fantasy and have read a ton of stuff about vampires and werewolves and the like, and despite the fact that Meyer presents almost nothing new to the genre, she has taken all the cliches and given them brain damage. This is not a saga, it is the deranged thinking of a mid-west house wife who has no idea how the world actually works. And talk about being fucking selfish. Even if a few douchebags stole her work, what did her fans do to deserve her just discontinuing it? Talk about pissing on the faces of those that gave you an inch of fame, the undeserving cow.

    All I can think about is how this child has basically been raped of her rights to be with a person of her choosing. I don’t care if imprinting also means “in love automatically forever”, because this child has been forced into something she was not old enough to consent to. And everyone thinks this is a good thing? “Sorry sweetie, I know your 5 and have a crush on that kid in your class, but you have to save yourself for Uncle Jacob. I know he tried to kill you and was in love with Mommy, but he has you now!” You know what is even sadder? I have already seen a million pictures of Jacob cuddling romantically with either a baby or child anti-christ.

    I already complained about this enough from the last video, but yeah. I don’t care if you are a virgin. He is still a century older than most people who lose their virginity and should have figured out that there was a hell of a lot more they could be doing than the bone smashing missionary position. And even if he didn’t, what’s Bella’s fucking excuse? She’s of our age. You’re telling me she has never hard of any other positions either? Meyer must have the most boring sex life imaginable. And I concur with the synopsis: Bella doesn’t know the difference between love and fucking.

    Also, when they say he can hurt her, what does it entail? If he came on her chest would it be like getting hit with buckshot? I don’t see why the wedding couldn’t wait til after she turned.

    Again thank you for suffering for our entertainment. I had to keep stopping the video because I was laughing so hard. I salute you, sir.

    • Anonymous

      The problem with the whole concept of man of steel woman of Kleenex is that if there soft muscle actions are also super strong then Superman just going to the bathroom should have destroyed huge chunks of the Daily planet/Kent Farm, this may be a problem with writers not thinking things through but the essay that was written on this subject has a many flaws with it.

  • Anonymous

    HAHAAHAHAHAH!!! the image the screen went with is hilarious!!!

  • http://twitter.com/Streamhammer Ingo Meuter

    You’ll get over her, Noah.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WSJTNOAKKGWAIOWS4HZGDLV4BA Dylan

    Hey Spoony, I want to say something not as a fan but as someone who cares about other human beings:   Please get out of the house. You seem to be in kind of a bad place right now, but drinking and moping isn’t going to help anything. Go to the gym, take a walk, go dancing, do ANYTHING to get out and meet people! Like anyone else, you have a need for human contact. It can have a seriously healing power, even if you don’t make any good friends. I’m sorry to be so frank, but I honestly think you need a kick in the ass at this point. Again, I say this from the point of view of someone who cares. Get healthy Spoony. Take as much time as you need.

  • http://twitter.com/UlarioGryphon Traci Vermeesch

    I love you and your videos, but honestly this was painful for me to watch.  If I didn’t know what you’re going through at the moment, then I’d probably laugh and say “Oh, that Spoony!”, but knowing what you’re going through it makes me quite sad to see you like this.  I understand fully how depression is since I’ve suffered with it all my life, so I would like nothing more then to give you a big hug and personally be there for you… but since Michigan is a bet too far from Arizona I’m just going to say that we (your fans) love you and will always be there to support you.

    Take care of yourself, Noah.

  • http://twitter.com/DigitalWarriors James Drover

    Aw Dude at first this was funny than well you got all depressed and i actually felt for ya man, I Don’t drink but even I would have been willing to take a shot (of booze) in your honer. 
    Seriously man you’l fins someone eventually hang in their.

  • Anonymous

    Spoony you are starting to worry me. I loved your commentary, but I am worried about your health.

    Anyway, yes, great review, I wounder how they will “top” this movie with part 2.

    • http://twitter.com/kristinadens Kristina Denstitt

      I agree. As much as I enjoyed this vlog, I’m worried about your health. Please take care of yourself, Spoony.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve come to the conclusion that Twilight vampires lose their ambition upon being turned. That’s why they seem willing to repeat high school for decades and the Volturi just sit around doing nothing. They simply aren’t bored by it. That’s why Bella is so well-suited to being a vampire. Because she has no ambition anyway beyond fucking Edward.

  • http://www.elliotthermanwallace.com/blog Elliott Wallace

    All I could think when Spoony rubbed his eyes and yelled “Piece of Shit!”was “Yeah, He’s Back!”

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, you are amazing. I know you’re going through a hard time right now, but know that we all love you and want you to get healthy! I really wish I could fly down to Arizona and chill with you man. You should never have to endure such a shit movie alone again!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

    I started laughing the moment I saw you double face-palm.

    I enjoy Canadian Club. Most people don’t enjoy whiskey but it’s all I drink. A good whiskey sour is like getting laid for a guy like me. Though I enjoy it in far more moderation than sex itself, otherwise I’d only be having sex on Christmas. …But yeah, don’t do shots of it if you haven’t popped your whiskey cherry.

    Yuck! Bella and Edward trying to be sexy. I need some of that whiskey.

    Spoony, you need to make some “Let’s Do This” T-Shirts. *Laughs*

    And “I fucked someone dead and now something bad happened to me” shirts with Bella looking stupid.

    No. Seriously. Stephenie Meyer should be exiled to the Antarctic. The hideous stain she’s left on the vampire, werewolf, and young romance genres can only be considered a crime against literature.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      Dont send Meyer to the Antarctic, shed annoy Santa and His elves….

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

        Santa lives in the North Pole, the Arctic.

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

          woops, then she’ll annoy the penguins from happy feet

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICDHG7TLTN6JVK6JMK3TKQFXKQ Mike Wallace

            MovieBob Chipman DID recommend Happy Feet 2 over Breaking Dawn.

  • Anonymous

    Oh, man. You told people you’re depressed and now you’ve got a thousand doctors/moms, worried and padding you on the shoulder.

    But seriously, I’m worried too. I’ve been down that road too, took several years to recover, and seriously: get out of the friggin’ house, meet people, do anything but sitting alone and moping. 

    As for the review, great!!

    /on separate note: that’s ‘a lot’ of booze? in my country (Poland) it barely counts as a starter…/

  • Anonymous

    Wow. The way JewWario and Linkara seemed to be interrogating you while a little dog played in the background made this video seem like a David Lynch dream sequence from the Black Lodge in Twin peaks. I can definitely share your pain about watching bad movies alone; you really need to have someone there for support.
    The crazy thing is, there are a lot of people who really love the Twilight series, and consider it a masterpiece of fiction. I recall reading one comment from a fan criticizing someone for riffing Jacob’s imprinting in Breaking Dawn, asking how they could make fun of something ‘so beautiful.’ Another woman I heard on the radio stated, quite impassioned, that the story was about crazy, passionate teenage love, and asked why anyone would want to ridicule that. I guess Twilight really struck a chord with a large demographic wanting this stuff.

    Hmm, maybe I’ll write a series of novels about a teenage girl who falls in love with a zombie and is caught in the middle of a zombie-mummy war.

  • Anonymous

    You’re funny when you drink…. But I’d be lying if I said (in combination with your recent post about updating the site) that video didn’t concern me a little.

    Cheer up man, it happens to the best of us… And just think of all the cosplay poon you can tag at cons! See? Things are looking up already!

    Be good man, and thanks for everything.

  • Luca Fiorenzza

    Yeah, I know that this comment probably won’t be approved but… seriously, snap out of it. You’re a great guy (so it seems) and your work is just awsome, but you got to stop this fagottry, for your own sake. I know this seem harsh but drinking your brains out and start feeling sorry for yourself wont make it easier, that’s what losers do. You’re not a loser, that’s for sure.

    Another thing, we all know that you are passing through a hard time, and I get that, you feel terrible and somehow you think you owe us, your fans, an explanation. You don’t. It’s your life, and the world will not end just because you delayed some review.

    Feel free to tell me to fuck myself.

    I hope you get better.

    btw: love your vlogs.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      Hey Scott.

  • http://twitter.com/Fairstarter Michael Holtz

    Oh. so it’s a movie Vlog and Spoony tries. Awesome

  • http://twitter.com/Fairstarter Michael Holtz

    GIVES DOGGY DA Booze!!

  • Anonymous

    See what happens when you go watch twilight movies, props for putting up in its raw form!!!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Loved this video, and the whole “I fucked someone dead and now something bad happened to me” line is perhaps the funniest (and in this case, accurate) summation of anything Ive ever heard.  U put this on a Tshirt…I will buy it.  I never saw any of the movies or books, but this crap is so bad it is seriously repulsive, and I seriously would have needed more booze than that to get through it.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2SL2JZ3EP5RJQU5NZGBJRXETUU Vaughan MacDonald

      Hell yeah, that line needs to be on a shirt!

    • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

      I agree I’d buy that shirt!

  • Anonymous

    Ok here’s what I can understand based on the book’s plot summary I’ve read on Wikipedia. The book is divided into three sections. Part 1 is based on the first two sections, so Part 2 will most likely be only based on the third and last part. I swear on my grandmother’s grave that Part 2 will be even more boring than the first! I really swear Spoony that if you see Part 2 next year, it will make you want to go to every book store, every house, and every flea market around the world, grab every copy of these dumbass books, and burn them all in the world’s largest bonfire that any human being can create. Now that’s a Vlog just waiting to happen!

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      I’l bring the marshmellows!

  • Brad Eppes

    One of the few things Stephanie Meyers gets right. I could see an 18 year old girl wanting her child named something like “Renesme.” This is just a story where the girl gets everything her way. 

  • Anonymous

    Soooooooo Spoony, if you’ve dared to re-watch this video, is Breaking Dawn WORSE then Transformers 2?

  • CoHScrapper

    Yes, I couldn’t agree more about the remaster over remake any day. I’ve said this to family and friends about how movies need to be remastered before being remade. And yes, I get and understand the whole: “Hollywood is a business” blah-blah-fucking-blah! I’ve had several friends try to explain that remakes are a great way to introduce a new genre to a classic, to which I reply, “Yeah, okay, I get that, but you know how else you can introduce a “new genre” to a classic? Just remaster a film and put it back in theaters. Done!”

    urgh! It annoys the hell out of me when I see all these (unnecessary) remakes to classics that could have just been remastered and shown on the big screen. I mean, hell, remaster the Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween (save for part 3, that piece of shit is a COMPLETE BETRAYAL OF THE FRANCHISE!), Hellraiser, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre films and release them back in theaters during the month of October, there ya go! A Horror/Slasher fest!

    Oh, sorry, this is a vlog on “Breaking Wind” and here I am talking about remasters and what-not…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WTCQNNJZA2BWZG3EHYOE7DU5TI Ben Y.

    Oh my god Spoony that was so adorable when your dog was all “Dude I want a shot of that whiskey.” and tried to slurp it out of the shot glass.  : D

  • Anonymous

    oh my god shutup about the health issues.. he was just having fun…

  • http://twitter.com/ElbinCen William Cardskeeper

    If you just go on youtube and type in Breaking Dawn… You’ll see how many people loved it and actually thought its great and deep and dramatic.

    Yep, some people CAN take it seriously apparently…
    I am quite interested in seeing some of the f***ed up scenes you described…
    … On second thought, I never want to see that stuff

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

    No, the whole “woman who has a vampire and a werewolf pining for her” thing, and lycantropes “imprinting” on humans is ripped-off straight from the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series of novels by female writer Laurell K. Hamilton.

    The first novel “Guilty Pleasures” was published in 1993, and Hamilton has been publishing sequels and spin-offs nearly every year, twicein some years, for a total of 20 novels set in that universe at the moment, the latest came out this yer (2011).

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anita_Blake

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

    No, the whole “female protagonist has a vampire and a werewolf pining for her, for an awkward love triangle” idea, and the “lycanthropes imprint on humans” is ripped-off straight from the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series of novels by female writer Laurell K. Hamilton.

    The first novel, “Guilty Pleasures”, was published in 1993, and there have been many sequels and spin-offs, 20 in total, with the latest published in 2011.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

    The whole “female protagonist has a vampire and a werewolf pining for her, making for an awkward love triangle” plot, and the “lycanthropes imprint on humans” idea is ripped-off straight from the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series of novels by female writer Laurell K. Hamilton.

    The novels are dark urban action/fantasy, sometimes described of a blend of detective genre, fantasy, and erotic literature. They are set in an alternate universe modern day America, where magic exists (with licensed necromancers working for the police to take down errant vampires running amok), where the public knows that vampires and werewolves (and wererats, -snakes, -cats and whatnot) exist, where vampires have recognized citizen status while lycanthropes are marginalized (due to lycanthropy being a communicable virus disease), and immortal fae folk also exists (although hiding behind a glamour to appear as humans). Anita Blake herself is a Hispano woman working as a vampire executioner for the U.S. Marshalls, as well as a free-lance private-eye necromancer who lays voodoo zombies to rest, summons the spirits of the deceased in legal matters, and supports the police in matters supernatural.

    The first novel, “Guilty Pleasures”, was published in 1993, and there
    have been many sequels and spin-offs set in that universe, twenty in total, with the latest
    published in 2011.

    The first three or four novels were quite good, with Anita Blake being a strong female protagonist, and with many interesting concepts and characters; but unfortuantely as the series went on, later novels devolved into hardcore porn mixed with supernatural violence, and Anita herself was turned into a blatant Mary-Sue author self-insert and gained ever more power-ups.

    The 9th novel, Obsidian Butterfly, was readable again, mostly because it focussed on one of Anita’s colleagues, the free-lance assassin (and sociopath) Edward, who hunts monsters because humans no longer pose any challenge. That novel has a lot less Anita in it because thankfully the focus of the story isn’t on her, and she is a lot less over-powered, reminiscent of her character from the start of the series.

    I stopped reading the series after that, because the title of the 10th novel, “Narcissus in Chains” didn’t bode well. *sigh*

    But yeah, if you remove the erotic content and turn the female protagonist into a vapid high school girl and make her a Mary-Sue character right from the start, then Twilight sounds like the little sister of Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, aimed at teen and tween girls instead of a mature audience.

    • Anonymous

      You know what’s worse? the Twihards think all the other vampire novels are copying from Twilight, despite many of them being around well before twilight (and much more interesting too)

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        you kidding me, some of the idiots tried to say that the wolfeman 2010 ripped off jacob black……ahahahaahahahah…..

        • Anonymous

          Really? how dumb!

          Anyhow, I am currently studying at Uni to become an author and script writer.

          The novel I am working on right now is a fantasy story similar to Lord of the Rings, in which the heroes have to save the world from a fallen god who wants to wipe out the cosmos.

          There are vampires in the story, and unlike twilight, these vamps are NOT nice at all; they will MURDER you!

          There are also werewolves, or to be more precise, humanoid wolves, who are savage and nomadic hunters.

          My story also has dragons, humans, and humanoid cats and dragons. The cats are called “Fareen” and they would be extremely insulted if you refered to them as cats or “furries’. the humanoid dragons are called “Sagra” and they are rather mellow in their culture. They don’t care what you say about them.

          I hope to get my novel completed and published and hopefully, made into a film.

          if it is made into a film, I want Spoony to play as a character in my story; he wants to do acting and I want him to succeed!

          This is no joke, I want Spoony to play one of my characters. Drasnath is his name, and he is one of the enemy characters…a psy-vampire to be exact, and one who is skilled in manipulating the mind and reality, plus he’s an expert in alchemy and poisons….definately not someone to piss off.

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

            Id read that. Im also working on a few things as well, but one of them is a direct fuck you to this socalled saga. heres more betrayel, I heard Lateef Crowder(the caporiea practictioner seen in the protector and tekken) is going to be in the seccond part of this shit…..makes me think…Lateef dont! tekken wasnt that bad!!

        • Benuben

          You think that’s bad? I swear to fucking god, some people called Interview With a Vampire Twilight rip-off.

          Really, I always tell people: If you want supernatural romance, READ Blood and Chocolate. If you want pretty vampire fighting evil vampires and werewolves, watch/read Vampire Hunter D. If you want good vampire dealing with refusal of his curse, read/watch Interview with a Vampire. 

          If you want all of it, watch Buffy and Angel.

  • Anonymous

    Chick on top, problem solved.

    • Anonymous

      You know, I just had a comical image of Bella being on top and when Edwarc cums, the force of his vampire semen shoots her into the roof.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        he must not have busted a load in over a century.

      • Matt Batten

        It’d look like one of those baking soda and vinegar rockets going off indoors.

  • Anonymous

    I dont understand how someone like you can feel like they have no friends, I mean I understand the breakup thing (believe me…) but youre like the most hilarious person ive ever seen. Your on the spot comments are just incredibly fantastic and hilarious. I mean there are few limits on what I would do for friends like you. 

    That being said it is not fair for me or any other fan to really ask you to just “stop being sad” because we all know life doesn’t work that way. Mopping around and feeling sorry for ourselves is practically human nature and everyone goes through it at some point.

    On topic: great video to watch just because its fun to see someone get relatively wasted and talk about their seething hate for twilight films.

  • wiegeabo kilijabob

    Drunk Spoony is funny.

    More drinking!

    And more group reviews, this was great!

  • Anonymous

    Hahaha spoony is drunk, oh snap!! if he keeps drinking he’s going to summon spoony bum from the dead!!

  • Anonymous

     Wow! A movie so bad that it drives a man who doesn’t drink to drink not one, but two different types of hard liquor.

    It gets worse in part two. Apparently S Meyers..uh, I mean bella becomes a uber super duper vampire who can control her urges and has fantastic powers.

    Jacob the pedowolf really gets to know that demon child (I refuse to call her by her real name, so lets just call her lilith) and she grows up to become a permanant 17yr old in 7 years.

    Really, what is with the teenage vampire crap? Who wants to remain a teenager for eternity? Think of all the puberty and zits and emotional problems you’ll endure non-stop!

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      lets not call her Lilith…that would be an insult to lilith, heck I ehard that wolf boy calls her nessie…thats an insult to the loch ness monster.

      • Anonymous

        Oh, you’re right….My appologies.

        How about we call her “pedophiles dream” as that is what she is.

        Ugh, it makes me feel so unclean thinking about that. I’m off to have a shower using disinfectant as soap.

  • Hayden Eddings

    Man, you’re my inspiration for making reviews. This video had me feeling bad when I started thinking about it. Drinking (I know you aren’t doing this alot), thinking about good times with your old girlfriend, and what not. Keep your chin up.

  • Anonymous

    Count me in with the group that hates the word “saga” being applied to Twilight.  Sagas are about Vikings chopping people to tiny bits; an emotionally-dead teenage girl wanting to screw a sparkly Mormon vampire is about as close to the opposite of that as you can get.

    • http://www.facebook.com/nasser.elusta Nasser Elusta

      I didn’t even knew that this series had ‘Saga’ in the name. Maybe I did read/heard it on the comercials, but I must have paid as much attention to it as I put in a piece of hair.

    • Private_Eyescream

      Oh it is a “saga” about chopping something to bits. The thing chopped to bits is the opinion & respect of boyfriends toward any girlfriend who forces them to endure this shit-sandwich of a movie series. Any woman that has so little intelligence & self-esteem to think the TWILIGHT movies are anything but moron-stink wrapped in cold chunks of lameness, is simply unfit to be considered for marriage or birthing children with. The TWILIGHT series is akin to some ditzy-woman talking enthusiastically about the many subtle flavors of cooked plain oatmeal.

      It is flavorless sustenance for the boring and dull-witted. The character of Bella Swan is repulsive, stalker-like, dumb, creepy, stupid, untalented, attention seeking, boring, clumsy, inane, and childish (in the terrible toddler way, not the amusing tyke way). Now imagine the movie version of Bella Swan in the body of Roseanne Barr with all of her known personality traits (demanding that two junk motorcycles are repaired without financial rewards & then flinging a slice of hot pizza the the guy doing the repairs) (or running off from her friend in the city so she can jump on the back of a complete strangers motorcycle). Ugh! An utterly repulsive imitation of a human being.

      You boyfriends, that have been dragged to see one or more TWILIGHT movies by your now-disrespectable girlfriends, you have to ask yourselves… DO I WANT TO ENDURE 20 MORE YEARS OF *THIS CRAP* WITH A WOMAN THAT ENJOYS *THIS* TYPE OF ENTERTAINMENT???

  • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

    Wow!  As I said in Brad Jone’s Drunken Brian videos this is either the FUNNIST freaking thing I’ve ever seen or one of the saddist.  I’m not trying to be a buzz kill but I was actually sort of afraid that Spoony was about to cry a few times.  But, he looks to be a very Happy Drunk and/or an I Love You drunk! 
    Well, Spoony, if you want to drink I’d say ask the Snob he seems to know how to party/drink.  I’m not a drinker but I do know a few things (mostly due to how and where and by whom I was raised Whiskey was both party liquor and cough syrup) and one of those things is don’t mix drinks that often.  I do’t know for a fact if Rum and Whiskey are an okay mixture, but I do know you never mix clear and borwn liquors or you’ll get sick as a dog!
    Speaking of Brad Jones and them you should review part 2 of this abortion of a film together next year or whenever!  They made fun of it brilliantly!
    I’ve only seen one of the Twilight films and that was the 1st film when it 1st came out!  I didn’t know much about it, outside of the BS I was feed by all the goth/emo/ingeneral chicks at my high school, So me and my 2 cousins who were visiting from Arazona were out and bored so we desided to see a movie  and at the time Twilight was the only “interesting” movie showing.  We wound up riffing on the movie the whole time threw.   We only had one good joke the whole time I can recall and that was, “Hey, when I stand in a teenaged girl’d bedroom at night and watch her sleep they call it breaking and entering, stalking, and hurrassment!  Why when the glittery vampire does it it’s all romantic and shit!?”
    I have ZER0 interest in see any of the other Twilight films for as long as I live, but I do love hearing ya’ll and other reviewers bitchin’ about how bad they are that’s the only good thing I get from these movies! 
    Man, Spoony, if I could I’d hang with ya’ll you seem like a real ceeewwl dude.  I wouldn’t go watch Twilight with you because that’d be really REALLY gay!  But, I would read the plot outline on Wiki and do a back and forth like Linkara, Jewwareo, and you did here!  
    Well, glad to see you’ve gotten a little over you sleeping problem if you managed to stay up this long!  I’m kidding but damn that’s gotta be bad on the body!  I did that once but it was because of work.
    So, out of all the FUCKED UP things I heard that was suppose to be in this movie that girls were trying to sell it to me on weren’t even done on screen!?  I’d loved to seen a brutal ass sex scene like what I was told of!  And on the subject of Superman and Lois Lane banging I’ve mentioned it before on something there’s a detailed essay by a former DC Superman writer and an artist called Man of Steel, Woman of Cleanex inwhich they exsplain both how hard it would be for him and things he might did to not blow her head off with a facial!  It’s actually funny and in the looses terms edducational!
    Also, one last thing there’s this Cracked.com article (I know at this point if you’ve been reading my comments it must sound like I’m on Cracked’s marketing department, but I just like their articles) inwhich they actually tell of how at one point the Twilight movies might’ve been awesome as hell.  You see the movie rights were at one point bought out by the same creative team that made the Underworld movies (and, Blood and Chocolate, The Covinent) and it was going to be more of an action horror movie but they spent too much time farting around on the script and the rights reverted back to the chick that wrote the books and she sold them to who the fuck ever made and released these turds because they made them with the intent of them being like the actual books… duel and lifeless as HELL!!!

  • http://twitter.com/CaptJackBates Andrew Leubecker

    Dude You and Scarlet broke up? I’m sorry to hear that.

    • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

      Yes waaaaya back!

    • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

      Yes waaaaya back!

  • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

    If I recall correctly Linkara actually reviewed one of the comic adapts of Anita Blake a year or so back! 

  • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

    Also, give Oreo some booze!  Hey they make doggy beer now get her some so ya’ll can get drunk together!

  • Anonymous

    Well it seems your blogs about the movies also get worse and worse.

  • Nathan Craft

    i am so happy that you immediately made the connection between the demon fetus and Dune, and that i was not alone on that one.

  • http://profiles.google.com/danvgeg Daniel vigil

    Dude, Noah… if you don’t got anyone to talk to or anything to do stop in at Gamersinn. Shit, I’ll probably be there if you do. You can talk about how bad that shit is all day. I guarentee half the people there would sit and talk about it with you. In case you didn’t know, the one on Gilbert was moved to Stapley and Southern.

  • http://twitter.com/KCGL77 KCGL77

    Oreo just wanted to make you feel better Noah.

  • Anonymous

    Renessemay = Destrucity

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=68131212 Emily Smith

    Oh, Spoony. I really wanted to give you a hug towards the end there. Still, funny as always and I enjoyed your drunken rambling. <3 Nicely done!

  • Anonymous

    Damn you spoony! I was rewatching this since i had to drop it in the halfway yesterday. I was about to sneeze when you started talking about those dudes sitting on thrones and looking fruity.. Try to sneeze while you are inevitably starting to smile. Thats fucking frustrating :D

    • http://twitter.com/Veddabredda Védís Rúnarsdóttir

      FRUITYYY. Thank you. I just re-read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, including …And Another Thing, and I thought he was saying “froody”. xD

  • http://twitter.com/bill_eckert_157 Bill Eckert

    I knew this was going to be entertaining when the first words out of your mouth were “PIECE OF SHIT!”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2SL2JZ3EP5RJQU5NZGBJRXETUU Vaughan MacDonald

    The vids only an hour and a half long yet it some how took me 5 hours to watch it all.

  • Anonymous

    You should have drunk the dudes drink a white russian

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ZBF6ZQVZQ2OWBJLCT3UPY4DG7I sev h

    ya know for a guy ive never met i know a lot about you, lol. but seriously, youre one of my heroes. it probably doesnt feel like much to just bitch about shitty movies, but its videos like this that you just grab my complete attention and i dont have anything else on my mind. you are my meditation.
    seriously, thanx.

  • D George

    I guess I`ll continue to watch your videos to see just how sad and pathetic you can become. I believe this to be the lowest point so far. Also, don`t blame the movie for the sudden drinking. No movie or game or whatever makes a person actually drink. If it does, you have more problems then I thought. It`s just a movie for god sake. Perhaps you`ll become a drunk. I don`t think anti-depressens are suppose to work with liquor though. 

  • Darke Mayer Goulart

    It’s not even an original idea, “superpowered dude kills his wife with his poisonous sperm”. Wasn’t there an awful Spiderman comic about this?

    Not only this crap is awful, IT ISN’T EVEN NECESSARY TO IT TO EXIST! How this Twilight crap keep getting worse any time you look at it?

  • http://twitter.com/DamienBaxter Damien Baxter

    I have another Betrayal for you… they are remaking the original Crow movie with “more realism” and Mark Wahlberg is now in talks to play the role of Eric Draven… BETRAYAL!!!!!

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      think thats bad, trying finding out that Mellissa Rosenberg(the twilight script writer) is writing the script for the Highlander remake, going for a dark and edgy treatment….ahaahahahha kill them now

  • Ryan King

    And THIS is the reason why I prefer Vampire Knight and Tsukihime over this, as you so wonderfully put it, “PIECE OF SHIT.”
     
    Seriously, I’d love to debate this sort of stuff with you guys.

  • Martin Koorn

    OMG I left this video on whilst getting a drink becasue I can hear it from the kitchen and when I got back my cat was sitting in my chair just staring at Spoony.
    You are so funny even other species can’t help but watch you.

  • Julien Jauniaux

    If Twilight made you an alcoholic, I’ll hate it more!

  • Anonymous

    Man this movie series sounds so terrible.  I would never watch that crap unless it was a date and I had to like with some other shit movies.
    Drunk Spoony is hilarious!! I laughed so hard when he tried putting the cap on the glass.

    • Anonymous

      If your date wants to drag you to see Twilight… Stop being desperate and get a better date.

  • Darke Mayer Goulart

    Oh, and wouldn’t this film be more interesting if it was about a polygamic relationship involving Bella, Sparkly and Fleabag? Like that movie with Galadriel and Bruce Willis, where there is this duo that robs banks and they kidnap Galadriel and she falls in love with both of them (because she think that “together they are a perfect man”, or something like that) and in the end they go to Mexico and she is kissing both guys at same time. At least it would be somewhat different AND Fleabag would have some role in the story.

    Oh, right, only men can be polygamous in Mormonism. Forget about it, then.

  • the_horror_freak

    The dawn of the Spoony drunk

  • Anonymous

    Spoony needs to drink more

    • Anonymous

      And he should drink with others. Drinking alone only makes you feel depressed.

      • Anonymous

        whatever, he’s funnier when he drinks

  • Anonymous

    Okay several things, first I feel for you man, any man that has to sit through a twilight movie is in need of a bottle of jack. second, Renesmae just sounds mike Pig latin to me, (take the first letter put it at the end and add on “ae”) translated it would come out to Mrenes or in this case Mr Enes. It confused me, and last but not least, theyre probably making this a 2 part movie to mimic harry potty looking at their box office figures and trying to match them.

  • Anonymous

    ‘Piece. Of. Shit!’ You didn’t have to see the movie to know that Spoony.

    • Anonymous

      Actually you probably shouldn’t have seen the movie. That means one more hit, one more view, one more success, one more client. One more reason to keep shipping out this drivel and call it a blockbuster world changing piece of cinema. One more reason that I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

  • Anonymous

    You know, the more I think about it, the more i think that S Meyers has some very screwed up views on sex.

    A girl who likes getting her bones broken during sex, a guy fantisising about a baby, this is some seriously fucked up shit (and for the record, wasn’t vampire bodily fluids suppose to be poison to humans? So why doesn’t she get sick from having sex with him???).

    I’m with you on this, I don’t know how anyone can like this, nor do I know how anyone can think this is a good story to wright.

    • Anonymous

      She supposedly wrote with her mormon faith deeply encrusted into it, so says one of her possible fans who analyzed the book more deeply.

      I think if that’s true… that she’s probably portraying mormons in the worst of ways.

      • Anonymous

        It’s not so much that Meyer wrote her Mormon faith into it as that she has absolutely no other world view. It’s not a deliberate propaganda piece, Meyer is just completely ignorant of the world outside Mormonism.

        Taken in that view, things make a lot of sense here. See, Mormons believe that one’s family — wives, husbands, and children — are entirely pre-determined by God. Jacob’s imprinting is just an application of that belief; he and Antithesis were ALWAYS destined to be together (just as Bella and Edward are), so it’s not creepy at all. It’s merely following the route God set up.

        Incidentally, this does mean if one has an unhappy marriage, one is committing a sin. After all, if your marriage is predestined by God (a perfect being) then it, too, must also be perfect. By being unhappy, you are going against God’s plan and committing a sin. It’s all very creepily Alpha Complexish.

        I think the horrific birthing scene is really Meyer’s desperate attempt to work through her own misgivings about Mormon doctrine without actually questioning them.

        • mark freeman

          Being Mormon myslef.  I can tell you that they do not believe that your family is predestined by God and they most certainly do not believe that being unhappy in a marriage is a sin.  Divorce is not forbidden and, statistically speaking, it happens as often in Mormon marriages as others. 
          Please make sure to double check your facts with the actual source and do not spread rumors as facts.  Especially those surrounding a mediocre fiction writer.

          http://www.lds.org

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        Mormanism: the only religion that needs advertisement. Aside from Scientology.

        At least Mormanism isn’t supposed to be a destructive cult that consumes lives.

  • http://twitter.com/DieDissonanz Barry

    This could be the rebirth of the Spoony Bum.

  • Anonymous

    Breaking Dawn just might be… their breaking points.

    And no sunglasses. This is no time for jokes, it truly is a regrettable time in history. That softcore porn for women is recognized as enough of a “cinematic marvel” that it actually gets all it’s books made into movies and even pulls a Harry Potter book splitting on us… As if the complexities of the story required so much time to build up. I feel disturbed…

  • Anonymous

    ‘Breaking Dawn’, Spoony, or ‘Breaking Down’?

  • http://twitter.com/Xtroid Filip Önell

    Mark Kermode needs to see this.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WUG47RMOHP7HLAFVGEV6R4ZD6Y Hawk

    Well, since I don’t see any comments on the first page about this, I will go a head and state this bit of info (I have not yet finished the review, so sorry if you correct yourself later.) Bella’s daughter is actually named after her mother and Edward’s adoptive mother, not the island… the island is named after Esme, Carlisle’s wife… I would have thought that made obvious sense, but I haven’t watched the film yet and don’t know if they really say they named it after the island…

    • http://twitter.com/Tomborf Tom ten Hoeve

      No, you’re right. It’s Carlisle’s wife she says she’s naming the kid after.

      Spot on review by the way. I agree with just about every point. My favourite scene was the one with Sheen as well. He’s just funny.

      I somehow suspect there’s more people than you’d think nowadays who go see the movie in the way Spoony and myself did: expecting hilarious shittyness instead of an actually good movie. It’s true you need to go with people though. Ripping it apart with friends afterwards is really the only thing that makes this thing worth watching.

  • Anonymous

    Oh… I see Saint’s Row The Third on his table.

    That should help him cheer up…

  • JennXbox

    Few things, in no particular order

    1. This was one my favorite vlogs.  Pretty hillarious.  It’d be much cooler if Linkara and JewWario could have been there in person, but alas…

    2. Movie sounds hillariously awful, as expected.  No news there.

    3.  Wanna do some co op on Saints the Third?  TheDeadpool2000 .  Send a message that way.  It’d be pretty damned awesome…

  • Stephen Greer

    http://www.carlislepa.org/

    Carlisle is a real town in pa

  • http://twitter.com/Veddabredda Védís Rúnarsdóttir

    Drunken Spoony is hilarious. There were moments during this video when I physically could not stop laughing.
    I’m genuinely sorry about Scarlet(t?). On the other hand hey, finally the rest of us get a shot at you! WHOO.

  • Anonymous

    Jesus. The instant you urged Linkara and JewWario to join you in your alcohol endeavour I literally called out “I’ll join you buddy!” And broke out the whiskey.

    • Anonymous

      I did; I drank an entire bottle of red wine and three cans of beer.

      Most fortunately, I didn’t get sick.

  • http://bowmanillustration.com Oriana

    I love your reviews of the other Twilight movies so I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. Thanks for enduring the horror of Breaking Dawn to bring us this excellent review!

    If I didn’t live on the opposite side of the US I would have seen it with you! I’ve been waiting to see it with my friends but we all have crazy work schedules. But glad to know the movie was just as awful as I was hoping it would be. :3

  • Anonymous

    I´ve got mixed feelings about this review. It´s very funny, but still knowing how messed up Spoony is when this is recorded kind of saddens me. Not having slept for 36 hours is very bad, and adding the lonely movie going experience that used to be a thing with his ex… not very good against that depression. That´s why the booze becomes more than a fun flavour when bashing Twilight, Spoony really feels the need to drink away his problems here. At least he´s got Linkara and Jew Wario to chat with while doing it, otherwise it would just be destructive and tragic. 

    Anyways, hope the rum helped to tuck you in for maaany hours and keep up the good work Spoony!

    • Anonymous

      The only thing that keeps me going out of bed in the morning is the thought about writing, shooting and editing reviews or crazy ideas, else I would either waste my life on video games or just watch endless youtube all night long. And to avoid getting depressed from girlfriends, is to not get one at all. I don’t drink however, because there’s no problems to suppress, yes, I do know that drinking doesn’t make your problems go away, but only closer by compressing time. It makes you lonely and slightly depressed, but it is safe. Dont worry Faxanadu, he got two awesome people there who loves him.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amanda-Crouse/100001237394149 Amanda Crouse

        And Oreo! 

    • Anonymous

      yup. it was morose. and sad.

    • http://danielj.se MaTachi

      Agree. This videos saddens me. :/ I feel really bad for him, but I don’t know what I can do for him… Or what any of us can do…

      • Tom Tyborowski

        Why is this sad?! He doesn’t even appear to be sad at any time during it. Same people would probably be entertained BY Breaking Dawn.

  • joeandketchup

    I think Spoony needs a hug

  • http://twitter.com/iolitewraith Leet Shark

    Loneliness sucks… If I could teleport, I’d come right over to try and cheer you up.

    On a happier note, you look downright adorable when you laugh :3

  • Anonymous

    Chess foreplay…

    “Do you how we keep warm in Russia?”

    “I can guess baby!”

    “We play chess.”

    “I guessed wrong.”

    I take it they didn’t play it like in Austin Powers 2?

  • Anonymous

    140million box office for that lame crap. If only I have had 1%% of those money…

    • http://twitter.com/athomicritic chantrenne thomas

      with 1% of those money i could make a far better movie with vampires in it

      • Anonymous

        Just imagine all the glitter you could buy for it!

  • Anonymous

    Here’s a query, what would a daywalker baby be exactly in the canonicity of the Twilight ‘saga’? Would he, like, not sparkle? Uh… the horrors! Truly an age of darkness will come of this!

    • http://studiosnowlion.blogspot.com/ Tetsu Deinonychus

      Maybe he sparkles even more!

  • Anonymous

    Canadian Club?

    You got balls Spoony. I needed 10 ice cubes just to get through mine.

    Way to represent Canada though.

  • Anonymous

    this review is almost as long as the movie, and thankfully, mildly more entertaining. I actually really loved the movie, but i only think that because I was having sex in the projection room.

    • http://twitter.com/Connorwithano Connor Lavell

      At least someone saw some action during this film.

  • Makay Murray

    Thank you Spoony, for enduring that shitty, SHITTY movie to bring us entertainment. 

    I salute you sir!

  • Anonymous

    he does get morose at 1:18:00 – 1:22:00. how revealing. and he posted it anyway. i love spoony and it hurts me to see him so lonely. all the fans on the web in the world don’t count for two goood ones in your own backyard to hang out with.

  • Anonymous

    Twilight: Breaking Spoon(y)

  • teninchguitar

    I really don’t mean to piss in your cornflakes Spoony but I’ve been hammered many, MANY times and you are nowhere NEAR hammered in this video.

  • kaleb phillpott

    i read all the books ive seen the first 3 movies i loved them all am i a human

  • Anonymous

    So when you’re depressed…you see TWILIGHT!!!!???

    I think it’s called a vicious cycle

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YGRH76ZWLAEN67K52EBTWHHPRE Angela

    Yeah that montage of her getting ready for fucking Edward is in the book. I didn’t get any further then her figuring out she’s pregnant and then telling Edward. That was a THIRD of the book. The movie had help with padding.

    I hope things start to go better for you and you can watch some movies that don’t drive you to drink.

  • Adam Louis

    You just keep getting better, Spoony!

  • Charlie McFarlin

    The Twatlight (I am now officially going to call it that) Saga (That part is debatable) … making the Star Wars prequels look tolerable one movie at a time. We all aplaude your effort Spoony. I haven’t even seen the first movie, but because of you and Doug, I might just to make fun of it. That is right, you have inspired me to subject myself to crap just for amusement. I hope you are proud. Great work.

  • http://jadecahesis.myopenid.com/ jade

    The more Spoony drinks, the more sober he actually gets.

    • Anonymous

      …Klatchian coffee?

      • Anonymous

        Poor Spoony, no-one should have to go Knurd.

  • Anonymous

    The first Twilight movie was on FX the other day, and my sister 27 year old sister had me watch it with her. Within 30 minutes I was kicked out, and it was all thanks to my osmosis of Spoony’s cynical abilities.

  • Robert Quinn

    OMG Yes! You’re playing Saints Rowe The Third!!!

  • http://twitter.com/NinjaMoogle218 The Chuck.

    Only two things missing from this: a bar setting, and this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oqmS0hxcCM
    Oh Spoony. I’m so glad I got to see you shitfaced.

  • Edetha3

    Me and my friends agree with what you said at around 29:00.
    The twighlight series would be good if they did one thing.
    Drop Bella, Jacob and Edward, and focus on the other characters

  • Alexis Royce

    Hey, Spoony, if you’re looking to make some friends/play some tabletop, check out infrno.net. People are always looking for new players. I moved away from my hometown, but I can still GM my sessions with it.

    Good luck man, and I hope your energy starts coming back. Depression is literally the worst. Our thoughts are with you.

  • Anonymous
  • Randy Figueroa

    Oh man that was the funniest rant I have ever seen! That movies blew!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_IVNSBQWCM7BIR6WPWTTC4Q7J2Q orlando

    Drunken Spoony scares me….

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=658100878 Sarah Gates

    What I find incredibly ironic about the premise of this movie is that would not a person fathered by a vampire and born from a human mother be a Dhampir, who in folklore are supposed to be excellent vampire hunters? And yeah as mentioned in Rice’s books, vampires are dead people, soooo your junk is dead too, no sexy time.

    • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

      Yep!  So, does that mean this kid will grow up and start killing fullbloods?

      • http://twitter.com/Shantalfigueroa Shantal Figueroa

        We can only hope. 

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

          Bum reviews even said it….”oh my god bella’s giving birth to blade! Its open season on all sparklers!”

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      unless you become human again(tale of the body theif)

  • http://twitter.com/AllyOra Ally Dumphy

    I mean, I’m not a fan of Twilight, but Renesmee is named after Renee AND Esme. Esme is the name of Carlisle’s wife. a.k.a. Edward’s adoptive grandmother.

    • Anonymous

      Esme is what the name of the Island is.  That is the reason she gives for the use of it.

      • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/6ZLZ7E2R6Q3CEGSE3WAM6QM2FY Allegra

        It might be different in the movie, I haven’t seen it, but in the book the reason Bella chooses Renee and Esme is because it’s the name of her mom and Edward’s mother-figure. But Carlisle named the island after Esme, so… works either way. That somehow just makes the whole reasoning that tiny bit MORE stupid.

  • http://twitter.com/hugocfreitas Hugo Freitas

    Spoony, I’ve recently lost the woman that raised me and I’m going through alot of pain. Your videos are one of the few things that make me forget for a couple of minutes. Just remember that what you do makes people happy. I’m sure it will also make you happy.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      Wow. My condolences.

      • http://twitter.com/hugocfreitas Hugo Freitas

        Thanks George. Sorry for the delay.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

          It’s alright.

  • Anonymous

    “Tumbling, burning with white hot fire, I plunged into the depths of the abyss. Unspeakable pain, relentless agony, time ceased to exist. Only this torture and a deepening hatred of the hypocrisy that damned me to this hell. An eternity passed and my torment receded, bringing me back from the precipice of madness. The descent had destroyed me. Yet, I lived.” – This quote by Raziel from Soul Reaver seems very appropriate here.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_IVNSBQWCM7BIR6WPWTTC4Q7J2Q orlando

    Spoony farts at 1:29:55

  • Anonymous

    Really good video Spoony, this made my day. You should do a review on Skyrim.

  • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BcOuY7sUN4&feature=uploademail here's you a review of the movie that’ll make you feel better Spoony! This dudes are funny as hell!

    • http://twitter.com/Shadow_Shogun_X Chika Keazor

      lol…gotta love the spill guys

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VRSDYWFQHDJLADRBAYMD5LLOWA Joe U

    Does anyone know who they’re talking about? Little who?

    • http://studiosnowlion.blogspot.com/ Tetsu Deinonychus

      Little Kuriboh, creator of YuGiOh Abridged. A really hilarious parody of YuGiOh.

      Here’s his site: http://www.yugiohtheabridgedseries.com/

  • Anonymous

    i see saints row: the third there. why are you lamenting about a shitty mormon sex fantasy and not playing the greatest game ever made?

    • Darke Mayer Goulart

      Shush. Spoony is waiting for the tie-in game “Twilight: The Saga” for Wii, X-Box360, and PS3.

  • Terry Scrimsher

    This is my favorite video of yours, drink on!

  • Nick Anonymous

    The whole movie is emotion porn for women. Is it any surprise that it focuses on the emotion porn stuff?

    • http://studiosnowlion.blogspot.com/ Tetsu Deinonychus

      For “emotion porn” the characters sure seem to lack emotion.

      • http://twitter.com/Veddabredda Védís Rúnarsdóttir

        Ever noticed how porn never looks actually looks passionate and the women moan at all the wrong places?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      I like the word ‘emotion porn’, or love-sploitation. Thats’ what most romance stories are, not intellectual explorations of love and relationship, just the exploitation of love. It’s love porn.

  • Patrick Joannisse

    I went to see it after watching your review and the movie looks WAY BETTER when you have seen your review. I laughed mainly because I was remembering your comments about the movie. 

    She never freaking smile at the wedding. All the movie when she talks to her dad, from his point of view that must look like kidnapping or something

  • Erik Mattern

    For those of you who watch the twilight movies alone, I’m so sorry. I see them with my gf and she tells me background info. This way they can be watchable.

    • Darke Mayer Goulart

      Really? Because I think this crap could be more tolerable the less you know about its backstory.

  • http://twitter.com/IceRazer666 Asanka Jensen

    Glad you did this, so i can avoid that piece of crap.

    Noah you should pay a little attention to your friends every time they tell a joke you are just “ye ye” like

  • Anonymous

    Once again, I keep coming back to Spoony’s vlogs for the sheer comedy and wit about them, for even when drunk, the Spoony One is awesome :)

    But I finally realise what this vlog reminds me of – the one about the WWE Slammies. “We don’t care! They don’t care! … Who’s writing this! God! Damn!” I know reviews like these, and the bad viewing experiences that spawn them, hurt, but they are still awesome to behold. Spoony going full tilt is simply an amazing sight.

    Once again, dude – you do better stuff unscripted and drunk than most people do with weeks of preparation. I would love to see more :)

  • Anonymous

    I routinely go to see the twilight movies with friends for the laughs alone.The funniest thing though,was that at the scene where they were choosing those atrocious names.E.J.,when written on greek subtitles,is,I kid you not,E.T.!
    The Phone Home jokes that were uttered from the people damn near made us roll on the floor.Probably the most unintentionally hilarious subbing ever

  • http://twitter.com/OnTheGanges Kat

    You want to know why Meyer’s vampires can do stupid shit like have babies and only screw in the missionary position, and why Bella has no future paspirations except to sleep with this one guy and be his wife, Spoony? Because a mormon wrote the story. That’s all a female mormon’s mind like hers could possibly conceive. From wikipedia: “[she] acknowledges that her faith has influenced her work,” and “admits that her writing is shaped by her values.”

    • Gregory Bogosian

      Also from Wikipedia “Meyer says that she does not consciously intend her novels to be
      Mormon-influenced, or to promote the virtues of sexual abstinence and
      spiritual purity…” I am not sure how much she can be trusted on this, but you are still omitting useful information and being a little judgmental.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

        “… promote the virtues of sexual abstinence” is pretty much the only thing the first three books/movies did.

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

          I also heard her say that she doesnt think teenagers should be reading about sex….shit most of us were having sex in high school…not to mention drinking and smoking (pot and cigarettes)…or atleast me and my friends were. Hell vampires who smoke cigarettes are awesome…they dont have to worry about cancer

          she obviously doesn’t know anything about how non Mormon teenager’s act, shit I even know mormon teens who were rebellious that they’d have me buy them coke( the soda, not cocaine) because Mormonism forbids caffeine.

          plus only eating animals….boring and wrong…leave the steaks for the humans. and not only just eating animals, they drink from deers…I swear Ive seen a shirt that had Bambi on it with the caption “edward killed my mom”
          come on you pansies if you gonna eat animals atleast go for a bear! or go after criminals…or rob a blood bank…or eat the poeple in comas in the hospitals….but not bambi!

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

            Another thing that could have made the Cullens far more interesting than they actually are: vigilantism. They get their blood fix, and crminal du jour gets to enjoy the pains of exanguination.

  • http://twitter.com/the_real_TRR Taylor Reitz

    After my girlfriend and I watched this video together, we spontaneously decided to watch Breaking Dawn together while drunk.  In honour of Spoony’s suffering, I had bought my own bottle of Kraken rum (which is delicious btw).  Needless to say, the movie was crap.  Can’t believe Spoony didn’t mention that you can see a vampire’s reflection in the mirror in this movie.  At least we had a good time laughing (along with most people in the dead theatre at 5:00pm) at the mindboggling stupidity of this movie. 
    Somehow Jacob is the smartest character in the entire movie.  Everything Spoony mentions is exactly how it is.  The music is beyond bad; I have personally composed better music than the orchestral score, and I’m a mediocre guitar player.  The styrofoam cup is as out of place as a guy in a lesbian bar.  Edward breaks the bed without doing anything, he just puts his hand on the headboard and everything breaks like it’s made of paper.  Though I have to say, there are worse movies…. maybe 5 or 6.

    • http://spectrumofmadness.blogspot.com/ starofjustice

      About the mirror, if you’re expecting faithfulness to vampire lore, Twilight’s about the last place it makes sense to look.

  • http://www.saisasylum.com/ Sai

    The imprinting thing I’m sure was Meyer’s way of trying to neatly resolve the love triangle and leave every fucking character with a love interest, because she’s an uncreative fanfiction-level writer who thinks that’s important, but it has such creepy implications.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      which would be fine if half the creepy/taboo, stuff she came up with was intentional….

  • Tom Badguy

    Who’s Scarlet?

    • http://twitter.com/DarkBee1 DarkBee

      His ex.

  • Anonymous

    I couldn’t pay attention to the rant because my eye was immediately drawn to Oreo

    • Tobias Verhulst

      She, not he.

  • Anonymous

    Spoony’s Ex

  • http://twitter.com/Mraasveld Myrthe Raasveld

    “Waiting for the damn fight to start already” and “Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock” <—ACTUAL chapter titles. Very fitting.

    Also, I think it's amusing how Spoony, Doug and other reviewers who've seen the movies keep referring to Bella as "a deranged, manipulative, self-centered sociopath", while SMeyer describes her as "kind, self-effacing, unselfish, loving and brave – good through and through".

    YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG MEYER

    • Anonymous

      Especially since this film was so bad that it acutally turned a man who doesn’t drink to drink hard liquor to numb the pain! Two types as well, I might add!

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        I just added those to drinks to my cabinet yesterday….I beat my friend in marvel vs capcom 3, and we made a bet that who ever loses has to go watch this horrible movie….thank god I won.

    • http://spectrumofmadness.blogspot.com/ starofjustice

      Think of the poor shits who aren’t even judging her based on the movies, but the books. Who actually spend time inside her head hearing every single one of her thoughts, and spend not two hours in there but the days it takes to finish every single miserable chapter.

  • http://twitter.com/MorteMcAdaver Morte McAdaver

    This looks like a particularly fun night to me. 

    • Anonymous

      For sure. Lots of reminiscence over his ex. The subsequent depression (Breaking Dawn = excuse) drowned in alcohol.

      They should make this a weekly event.

  • http://twitter.com/Kiposaurus Nick Kipouros

    Videos like this make me wish I lived in Arizona cuz I would love to get wasted with the spoony one

  • Serita Amelia Colette Damia

    They’re NOT vampires!! They are like… Wanna-be Models with skin problems wtf! Seriously that is not a vampire. and Warewolves are… not humans who transform into wolves but arent they a hybrid between the two? Im so lost… these movies were something to wow.. poor Spoony I’m sorry you went to see that

  • Tim karlsson

    lol this was probably the best vlog I’ve ever seen. What makes it so good in my opinion was Jew Wario and Linkara in the background and the DOG! Love the dog!

  • Anonymous

    Puppy you can’t have rum, this is daddy’s medicine.  ROFLMAO!!!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_M7X33HG5VCWD2I67PXQO55Y47I Reza

    One thing I’ve never understood is why Carlisle and his demonic family have been around for centuries (and are immortal, mind you), yet waste all their time hanging out in the boonies at High School and feeding on animals. If I was never going to die, was super strong, fast and resilient, I could think of a hundred plus constructive uses of my time. By the time I was as old as friggin’ Edward, I’d already have founded my international crime syndicate and started on a plot for world domination.

    • Anonymous

      But, but, but…
      If Edward and his cronies actually DID anything productive then they would have never met Bella! Their inactivity was necessary for this love story to happen! It was destined!

      And I feel like vomiting now.. I really hate how lazy some writers are in that they can never imagine a way for their harlequin romance heroines to get in touch with their significant others outside of a school setting. It’s horrendously prevalent in fanfiction, and more often than not is a sign of a bad writer. Now that doesn’t mean a good writer can’t write a GOOD supernatural romance that takes place in high school, but more often than not these writers use highschool as a crutch rather than having it make sense within their own mythos. I’d have been able to buy the story more if they were all college students, if they absolutely HAD to keep the school aspect in tact, but even that would be boring compared to the hundreds of other things the Cullens could and SHOULD be doing with their time.

      Then again, the more you look between the lines of the story, the more you realize that Edward is a giant pussy and that all the Cullens are apathetic wet blankets. (Except Rosalie, who while the classic ‘Scary Sue’ actually might have made a redeemable character in the hands of a better writer. Same with Leah, who next to Charlie (pre-Eclipse) is the only good character in this series. And of course, she gets the shaft as well… Why do all the GOOD characters get bastardized in some fashion, or horrendously mistreated?)

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        you remind me of a game me and my friends often play when were drinking. We called “in the hands of others” Basicly you throw out a mediocore work and then you name some one with talent, or some who who has a knack for not staying true to the source materiel, or who would just be plane fun to fuck with it(think twilight if done be Uwe Boll or Stephen King, or Frank miller, JK Rowling or Anne Rice(I know alot of poeple hate her, but shes not that bad)…just try its, pretty fun(if not a waste of time)

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

      Yeah, if you’re a vampire older than a 100 years, unless you’ve been in torpor all that time, you have no excuse for not having founded the Camarilla and taken over the world from behind the scenes yet.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      hell yeah…shit…or for those who want a heroic immortal, Id make a costume and be a fucking super hero for the first 50 years, before that Id master every martial art on the planet, then for the next 50 years Id play the bad guy, and then I would take over the world, starting with that lame ass vampire Illuminati….sheesh what a boring family…sure I thought the dad and his family were okay, but damn they are more bland and dull than the brady bunch, plus for an extended family….plus how the hell in all of that evil redhead(who I wanted to screw) Victoria’s little newly turned vampire army, how the hell werent there any latinos or blacks or asians, she just turned abunch of suburbanites to get Bella…shiitt..I would have turned every gangster and murderer in the country to kill that bitch….and given them rocket launchers, knives, swords, machine guns! but yeah I really hate that bitch bella! 

  • http://twitter.com/Samven20 Sam Rowett

    “People crying in the audience”? What the…? I’ve seen more romantic unions between milk and cereal! 

    Well done for getting through another movie, Spoony. You’re a stronger man than I. I couldn’t watch five minutes of the first. Although, if this one drives you to booze, maybe you should skip the second part… it could just drive you insane.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      “My God, I love this BABY!”

  • http://twitter.com/Nightshift10000 Daniel Johnson

    EPIC FAIL Spoony. Why, oh yeah, THE FACE THAT YOU ACTUALLY SAW IT!

  • http://twitter.com/Nightshift10000 Daniel Johnson

    And the drunkenness Kicks in HARD! Spoony You are a total lightweight, but that’s actually a good thing. At this point it takes Me a bottle and a half of Bushmills to fuck Me up.

  • Anonymous

    “Scarlett used to do that.” *immediately realizes what he just said*

  • http://twitter.com/V4VGnet V4VG.net

    Lmao you should get drunk more often, I love drunken rants!

  • http://twitter.com/Yadokingu Moritz

    Spoony, I fully agree with you on Twilight, but I guess that goes without saying.

    Where I don’t agree with you is when it comes to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Those are two films, each over two hours long and they still had to cut stuff. So I’m glad that they split it, because a 3 hour movie wouldn’t have done it justice.
    Ofcourse it was probably mostly done to extend the franchise and make more money, but I don’t care tbh.
    I actually wish they had done that from book 4 onward. Book 3 is still pretty doable in one movie, but after that they really ought to be split. I guess Warner Brothers wish in hindsight that they had thought of it sooner, too. :D

  • Anonymous

    Holy fuck this movie sounds aweful

  • Anonymous

    Spoony + Alcohol = hilarity

  • http://profiles.google.com/wooda99 Alexander Wood

    http://imgur.com/gallery/KNf7D The experts agree, Spoony.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      The experts don’t matter. In the minds of Twilight fans, expert critics are a bunch of Negative Nancys who ‘just don’t understand the romance’!

      Hey Twilight fans, thinking about the plot too hard? Character motivation doesn’t make any sense? Here’s some shirtless men. Yep, that’s romance your feeling…in your crotch.

      At least when men watch women do that kind of shit in movies, we KNOW were pigs. It’s why anyone watched the Bloodrayne series, terrible movies from the ass of Uwe Boll about the story of a lesbian vampire.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        are you kidding me, Twilight fans take offense to any author even saying anything lightly negative about it. Stephen King says that while Stephenie is making alot of money and reaching young poeple like J.K Rowling, and how the books are not sexually offensive, but she does need improvement in her riding, they react like “How dare this mean old creepy bastard say anything, who wants to read about a demon clown from outerspace that eats kids! or when Anne Rice said that stephenie is a good writer (I think she was being nice) , its a pretty lame idea of a vampire continuely going to high school for 100 years. The fans react with “This bitch doessnt know good vampyres, who wants to read about a vampire rockstar!” ‘Ive never heard of this woman, Ive never read her books, her books are smut! Twilight has depth and true flaws” it makes me sad and laugh to see how stupid this kids are. It amuses me to see them defend their book serries, no matter how feeble their reasonings are, but it makes me sad to see how stupid this kids are getting.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

          That’s exactly my point. Twilight fans don’t listen to the actual criticism. They just know that the critic disagrees with them, and that makes them angry. The critics don’t matter because no one listens to them, they just get mad.

          And your also right about the nature of the supposed ‘counter-criticism’. Instead of actually considering the flaws, the reply with insignificant gripes that they heard about the author in question. “Oh no, I heard about a book you wrote that was panned by other critics. IGNORE, DERP!” No one is perfect, so Twihards will always have a way to avoid having anyone say anything about their precious series.

          When is this dry-period going to end? Because I’ve been trapping myself in the past to escape shit like this, and it’s getting boring back here.

          • ORCACommander

            take heart that Ghost Story and A Dance with Dragons was finally released back in July. In the mean time might i interest you in the honorverse?
            http://baencd.thefifthimperium.com/09-AtAllCostsCD/AtAllCostsCD/

            click on a title on the left and it will take you to a page with a bunch of formats to download it in. the series order is from top to bottom making on basilisk station the first in the series.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            This looks really awesome. The first couple of paragraphs have got some pretty compelling political intrigue. I think I’ve found a new series to latch on to for a while.

            There is a reason I mentioned ‘begin trapped in the past’. I’m trying to suggest that mainstream entertainment has become so intolerable that we are literally running out of entertainment. How many times can you watch reruns of you favorite science fiction series’ until you just want something new.

            I wonder what will happen to the growing number of us living on underground/retro entertainment when we have nothing left to go back to. What happens to us when we run out of entertainment? We’ve only got a 40 year time period of content to look at, and it’s going to run dry someday. We are going to have some fucked up midlife crisis’ unless something changes, and mainstream becomes consumable again.

          • ORCACommander

            I hide in eve online playing a game with intelligent people. you should join us :)

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

            I wouldn’t call the sycophants, though they are stupid. I DO know they have been trained very well to nod their head without listening and backing out of intellectually challenging situations. 

            You can basically predict what they are going to say next, which is the creepiest part. It’s like all of the thoughts in their heads were hypnotically suggested to them as babies. They are the kind of people who believe a certain idea because they like the way it sounds, not because they can actually defend it.

            I actually know someone who believes in ghosts because “the world would be a more interesting place to live in if that were true”. That is a quote. I tried to get her to supply satisfactory proof, and she told me to “stop begin all sciency”. Again, quote.

            I try to avoid her when I can.

  • Anonymous

    OMGosh Spoony, you’ve made my day with your well warranted mocking of what I refer to as the “bloody sippy cup.” :D When I read that part in the books, I pretty much had the same reaction as you. I was waiting for someone to lampoon that part! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    This movie is making it really hard to pretend that society isn’t becoming collectively dumber. Get in the bunker gentlemen, we got a long-ass shit storm to weather. Don’t know when it will end, but we have about 35 years of good movies and games in here.

    Hope it lasts…we already used up ten of those years.

    • http://twitter.com/MPenriceNUC Mark Penrice

      In short, the best review I’ve heard of this basically exposits as rather stereotypical female (though certainly not feminist) wish-fulfillment and escapism of a fairly base kind. A bit like the polar opposite of The Fast and The Furious in terms of subject matter, but on a similar plane as regards intelligence, respect both given and received, and believability.

      Or in other words, Harry Potter is “the importance of self belief, courage and friendship”, Twilight is “the importance of having an utterly devoted, metrosexual boyfriend with superpowers”.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        You have some strange fantasies.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_7LVODM4H4XNAD5YDXVXBYV3WLM Nai Reilavehc

        “utterly devoted” my ass!
        Just wait until Bella turns 80!

        We’ll be seeing Edward gouging his eyes out with FREAKING FIREPLACE POKER!

  • http://twitter.com/LikChan Lik Chan

    LOL, what an epic review. Noah, this might be your Citizen Kane. STOP NOW! XD

  • Anonymous

    Best review of all time PERIOD!

  • http://spectrumofmadness.blogspot.com/ starofjustice

    If she didn’t want teenagers reading about that, she shouldn’t have broached the subject in the first place. You don’t have to actually SHOW sex to be writing about sex, and she sure as hell did have her characters have sex.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_7LVODM4H4XNAD5YDXVXBYV3WLM Nai Reilavehc

      Let’s just wait until Edward has to deal with Bella being in her early 80′s. We’ll see how much “love and affection” he’ll shower her with then (and by “love and affection” I of course mean gouging his eyes out with a fireplace poker).

    • Darke Mayer Goulart

      Not really… hiding the subject does nothing to prevent it from happening.

      But, of course, cheap “scare tactics” also do jackshit, and the whole “sex = vampirism” thing is bullshit in so many levels, it is UN-FUCKING-BELIAVABLE. Stephen Mayer must have borrowed from the Marvel School of Stupid Analogies, where we learn that is bad to discriminate people because they’re different… except in real world, “different people” cannot shoot deadly lasers from their eyes, or teleport, or KILL ALL HUMANITY WITH THEIR BRAINS (like prof. X nearly did in X-Man 2, albeit not by his own vollition).

      So, sex is bad because guys tend to break your bones while banging you, girls. Which leaves the question, what about lesbian vampire sex? Huh. Maybe that would be OK: no pregancy, no penetration (not directly, at least), more gently… AND A MUCH BETTER MOVIE!

      • http://spectrumofmadness.blogspot.com/ starofjustice

        Pardon, this was supposed to be a response to someone else talking about how Meyer doesn’t think teenagers should be reading about sex. I don’t know how it became its own thing.

        What I was trying to say, and what’s possibly the most telling evidence of all that Meyer had no idea what she was doing, was that you don’t have to actually write the act of people bumping uglies into your story to be writing about sex. The bed’s destroyed and Bella’s bruised after she wakes up from the first night of her honeymoon with Edward. A little while later she’s pregnant. Her characters had sex. It doesn’t matter that she cut away before we read about anything graphic, she still wrote a book where sex took place.

        It doesn’t matter that she didn’t actually show that, horny teenage girls reading her books are going to be able to use their imaginations. If she’s going to say teenagers shouldn’t be reading about sex, she shouldn’t have written a book for teenagers where sex was obviously taking place. I find her claims that she writes for “children” dubious indeed.

  • Serita Amelia Colette Damia

    I’m sorry that was to nice haha wanna be models with skin problems that’s cute, but they’re like a glittery boy band group of pale, emo, sissy, whinny, one faced, mono toned retards who have no real need to do anything and the story would move on. Seriously if these folks were actual vampires UM well I can let everyone’s imagination run wild on that!       On a side note who in the hell thinks Edward is hot? and Jacob for that matter. must I remind you, older women think Jacob is, and he was in Shark Boy & Lava Girl… UM no no SERIOUSLY if that’s not a sex offender I have no clue what is.       The story should have ended at book three, and yet people wanted the book JUST for the movie to see Jacob again is my assumption the sick perverted bastards wow.   

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      The Big Man Upstairs: “Okay, lets take the pastiest, most transparent skin we can find, and wrap it around the recycled skull of Boris Karlof. There, all done!”

      And thus Robert Pattenson was born.

      • Anonymous

        Then an angel called Jeffery comes along.

        Jeffery : “uh, God, are you sure this is a good Idea?”

        God : “of course it is; he’ll be fantastic for Cederic Diggeroy on Harry Potter”

        Jeffery : “uh…well, yeah, but that’s not what he’ll be recognised for”

        God : “What do you mean?”

        Jeffery : “He’ll be remembered as a sparkily fangless, creepy, pedo-necro vampire who gets sucked in by some hellspawn wraith called Bella Swan.”

        God : “WHAT?!”

        Jeffery : “yeah. Apparently she’s the true creator of the void/hell/oblivion/abyss, and she is so evil that she is the one who turned Lucifer bad…you know, she cock-teased him, used him, begged him and basically made him lose his angelicality, and now she’s going after Edward”

        God : “Huh? Oh no blast! Too late, I created him”

        • http://twitter.com/Methermeneus Μεθερμηνεύς

          Hey, I still remember him as Cedric Diggory! Although I did kinda hate him in that role, but I’m pretty sure he was supposed to be the overly-perfect guy you wanted to hate but couldn’t, then he dies tragically young…  Anyway, yes, Bella is the devil’s devil.

          Also, gee, I wonder if you watch Darkmatter2525? 

          • Anonymous

            i remember him haveing less than 5 lines…..

  • Anonymous

    I like how the smell of rum immediately got Oreo’s attention as soon as you released the kraken.

  • Anonymous

    Breaking Dawn = Breaking Down (litteraly)

  • Anonymous

    From just seeing the picture alone I don’t need to see Spoony’s video. Lol.

  • Anonymous

    From just seeing the picture alone I don’t need to see Spoony’s video. Lol.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1441642492 JoeCB91

    I saw this piece of shit on Wednesday, and my reaction was pretty much the same as yours, but without the drunkenness.

  • davidwev

     Drunk Spoony was awesome XD

  • ronnydeusser

    Girlfriend: Let’s go see Twilight tonight!

    Me: What a horrible night to have a curse! *music starts*

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_7LVODM4H4XNAD5YDXVXBYV3WLM Nai Reilavehc

      Girlfriend: Let’s go see Twilight tonight!

      Me: Yeah…have fun with that. I’ll be here on the couch drinking scotch and watching Bram Stoker’s Dracula!

      • Anonymous

        Girlfriend: Let’s go see Twilight tonight!

        Me:  Who are you and what did you do with my friend?

        • Arsenal Of Megadeath

          Girlfriend: Let’s go see Twilight tonight!Me:  (feigns sickness) ….oh, im sorry honey. I really dont feel well. you can go and tell me what its like, ok?

          GF leaves

          Me: (calls sister) yeah she totally went for it, i’ll warm up the hot-tub, you bring the rubbers. see you in 10.  

    • Anonymous

      Girlfriend: Let’s go see twilight tonight!

      Me: Sorry but i’m having a car wreck in….2 seconds. *BLAM!!!!*

  • http://twitter.com/MPenriceNUC Mark Penrice

    Is… is that seriously a 92 minute review? Are we supposed to listen to this as an alternate director’s commentary?

    (Forgive me, I’m as new as a freshly released baby on here… maybe super long vids are the norm… and it was pretty much someone else saying about “getting to the point before minute 35″ in reference to this one in particular… but still, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang)

    • Anonymous

      It’s pretty common for Spoony, actually. He’s the kind of guy who’s really good to put on in the background while you work. If you want to break your attention span in, see if you can sit all the way through a marathon of his LP of “Phantasmagoria: A Puzzle of Flesh.”

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        I feel the same way about MST3K. Unless I’m watching a particularly good episode like ‘The Pumaman’, the show tends to run out of steam by the 35 minute mark.

        At least Phantasmogoria and SWAT were broken into chunks. This thing is CONSECUTIVE!

    • ORCACommander

      for his vlog reviews of horrible movies anywhere between 40 minutes and an hour is normal this was something more.

    • Rodrigo Ibarra

      I understand you. Why seeing a review that is pretty much as long as the movie? Wel… I listen to it for shits an giggles. It is a fun one. Consider it like a ride. If I tell you it is a 4 day ride, you’d probably say it is too long. But if you are in it and enjoying it, you won’t care it is that long.

    • Darke Mayer Goulart

      Well, Red Letter Media’s reviews of Star Wars Ep. I, II and III are actually LONGER than the movies themselves. And they are GREAT! So much more enjoyable than those pieces of crap.

      The size does not matter, but the way you use it. That’s what she said!

  • http://twitter.com/Scrumpmonkey John Sweeney

    Spoony should just go full H.S.T., he needs more wittren rants. The man should just load up on danergous drugs and do searching for the american film industry.

  • Anonymous

    Why, why would anyone want to willingly sit down to watch a Twilight film?
    I could understand using the films as a form of torture or punishment…but not for entertainment.

    • http://twitter.com/Amiz4Eva Amiz4Eva

      I mostly went to see it for the lolz…and I’m not gonna lie, I kinda enjoyed it. It was a terrible movie with shitty acting and a stupid plot, but I’m convinced the actors and director were  trolling Stephanie Meyer the whole way through. There’s no way they were taking this movie seriously. There were so many moments that had be giggling like a schoolgirl, even though I dont think they were meant to be intentionally funny. Even the girls behind me (who I’m fairly sure were Twilight fans) were laughing all the way through.

  • http://twitter.com/all_bootleggers alexandra Leger

    please dont drink anymore. its too sad :c

  • Anonymous

    stick with the Kraken. it’s good stuff and can make the Twilight Saga almost tolerable. almost. at least it’s good at numbing the pain caused by those abominations.

  • Jesse Melat

    I would just like to take this opportunity to give a big middle finger to all the “OMG SPOONY IS TEH ALCOHOLIC NOW!” posts that I know exist below.    

    Let the man have his booze and his drunken rant.  He hardly made a dent in that liquor, folks–he’s fine.   It was actually pretty awesome to see Noah drunk, and I for one, encourage him to do so more often in future.  

  • http://twitter.com/Amiz4Eva Amiz4Eva

    This.
    It would make more sense if Edward and his family went to university
    because at least you might learn interesting things there, but high
    school? Why would you want to relive THAT over and over? You wouldn’t
    learn anything new. You’d just be reliving the same boring
    math/english/science/etc classes, the same boring relationship drama,
    the same teenage angst, being surrounded by the same pimply
    hormone-filled idiots.

    There’s a part at the end of Breaking Dawn where Edward is trying to give Bella CPR and it’s like…Why the hell haven’t you been to medical school? You’ve been alive for over 100 years, yet you never learned basic first-aid, let alone how to BECOME A FREAKING DOCTOR!

  • http://twitter.com/Amiz4Eva Amiz4Eva

    This.
    It would make more sense if Edward and his family went to university
    because at least you might learn interesting things there, but high
    school? Why would you want to relive THAT over and over? You wouldn’t
    learn anything new. You’d just be reliving the same boring
    math/english/science/etc classes, the same boring relationship drama,
    the same teenage angst, being surrounded by the same pimply
    hormone-filled idiots.

    There’s a part at the end of Breaking Dawn where Edward is trying to give Bella CPR and it’s like…Why the hell haven’t you been to medical school? You’ve been alive for over 100 years, yet you never learned basic first-aid, let alone how to BECOME A FREAKING DOCTOR!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_7LVODM4H4XNAD5YDXVXBYV3WLM Nai Reilavehc

    Twilight: Breaking Dawn. The only movie so INCREDIBLY BAD that Spoony has to get piss ass drunk just to get through REVIEWING IT for us.

  • Anonymous

    Loved the peanut galery, and Noah — I’ll sit through the Twilight Ordeal with you ;o)

  • necrophalicon

    As bad as Twilight is, I would rather watch all four of the Twilight movies, than watch Blade.  Blade is not only a bad vampire movie, it is just a downright terrible movie all the way around.  About the only movie I hated more than Blade was The Matrix.

    • Anonymous

      i can understand the blade being deemed as sucky

      but the Matrix is “good” AT LEAST, it further evolved some classic sci-fi concepts

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      really why is that? I’m just curious.

    • Darke Mayer Goulart

      Sure, Blade sucks… but at least you see some vampires being toasted in sunlight.

      Also, it’s very strange, but Blade (the first one, at least) actually had more in common with Vampire: the Masquerade than the official series (Kindred: the Embraced or something like that).

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

        Yo. whats all the hatred for blade all of a sudden, why do ya;ll think it is so terrible, I’m just curious to why people are hating on an a pretty well film action comic book movie, especially the person who said he/she would watch all 4 twilight films over this ….what was so terrible about?

  • http://twitter.com/_669_ Mark

    Poor Spoony.

  • http://www.dream-scar.net hchano

    Oh god, why did you drink so much haha… pace yourself, man. xD;

  • Nagneto Lives

    Piece of shit movie, yet somehow, we all know it’s gonna be the highest grossing box office movie this year. FUCK THIS WORLD. 

  • Darke Mayer Goulart

    I hope The Expandables 2 release at the same time as the part 2 of this abominable pile of hunk. Sure, it will be a stupid movie… BUT SO MUCH GLORIOUS BADASSERY ON IT!

    So we will be able to drop the ladies to watch the sissy sparkling bitches while we can go shouting I AM A MAN! and A CHUCKA-NORRIS!!! It’ll be our revenge.

  • Anonymous

    Jacob the Pedo-Were.

  • keirapolywka

    Spoony, you made my day.  I’ve never seen your Vlog before, but I sat through the whole 90 minutes, got absolutely bugger all work done, and haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.  
    So right, it is a shit film based on a shit book, but for sheer entertainment value, you can’t beat it.  Not many films draw me to the movie theater, but this one did… or maybe it was lustful thoughts of shagging Robert Pattinson… not sure, but to generate this much attention and 90 minutes of your own time in reviewing it, it had to be worth something, right?
    Love Oreo, by the way.  That little pup stole the show.  
    Keep smiling, and save me some of that Kraken.  

  • Nick Hartman

    I’ve watched almost every spoony video and this is by far one of my favorites, its just great

  • pretzels

    This video encompasses every single thing I love about you and your site. Raw, unadulterated humor.

  • gerald chubbuck

    Spoony you can’t hold you’re liquor.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_SFDXAKFAV53FHIRPU7MX2RZXDI Danny

     I misread Breaking Dawn as Breaking Down, didn’t notice till I read the description. Kinda apt though

  • Anonymous

    I don’t know why, but this is the perfect thing for me to listen to while I’m smithing in Skyrim.

    • http://twitter.com/SisyphusFalls Hannah Yanega

      Combination of the best two activities: Spoony and Skyrim. Poor, poor man. Poor man.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe because both is driven by curiousity versus frustration?

  • Missy Deskins

    Believe it or not, in the books, Edward mentions that he HAD gone to medical school before – like three times. Apparently they move around the country and start over in one place for like a decade before moving on. I managed to make it halfway through the Breaking Dawn book before giving up on the series.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      what the hell? he went to medical school 3 times, and yet the dumb ass doesn’t know about pregnancy, what did he fail each time?! GOD I hate this serries! sheesh fucking lazy ass immortals

      • http://spectrumofmadness.blogspot.com/ starofjustice

        No, it’s even worse than that. See, apparently the Cullens do have sex, but nothing ever happens when it’s vampire-vampire. So he just thought it would be okay, NEVER ONCE thinking it might be different if it’s vampire-human.

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

          Doesn’t excuse the fact he doesn’t know how the first thing about how to perform a c-section, despite having gone to medical school three times.

          • http://spectrumofmadness.blogspot.com/ starofjustice

            I wasn’t trying to excuse it, I was saying Edward’s an even bigger idiot for not suspecting vampire-human sex might have different results than vampire-vampire sex.

  • Chelsie Bond

    Love your rants Noah but that constant burping was fucking nasty.

  • Anonymous

    Should be a burp count for this episode lol

  • Anonymous

    I wonder how it would be like to be a fuckin vampire wakin up after like 500 years nowadays. Goin out, tryin to kill someone & suck his blood, but also feel the statisfaction the fear of the affraid maidens they used to suck out back in their days & everything people would be like is: “Oh my gosh, this vampire teeth look so freakin crazy. I love the twilight movies too, let’s talk about it.” 

    You’re by the way doin a great job there, spoony. Without these awesome reviews I would have missed great trash movies like Yor. :D 

    Keep up the good work, man ! 

  • Specter Von Baren

    I feel so depressed right now. I just looked up Renesmee and they’ve actually added it as an actual name to baby name databases…. UAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ONVAGUEEMFOUT356M4GIGXFEAQ adammur

      this is going to be more annoying than meeting that one black family that has a Shanequa, a Laquisha, 3 niggas named Jamal or Jabari, and some gay nigga ever one calls peaches…and 4 out of ten black person knows atleast one nigga named peaches

  • http://twitter.com/CPuff8D Liezl Bohnen

    I hope you do go see the last movie :) Whenever a new Twilight movie comes out I’m always so excited because that means I know you’re going to upload a video about it. :D It’s even better when I see before hand on Rotten Tomatoes that the movie sucks. These rants are always the highlight of the year for me (Because I’m a sad lonely person) And your rant on New Moon is how I found your site in the first place.

    Anyway, sorry you felt so bummed about going to see it alone. I’d go see the next one with you but I’m stuck here in Africa XD

    Anyway, the movies are painful beyond belief but I know the peanut gallery of the internet really appreciates your schlepping through these giant piles of ass. Chin up and all of that. Love your site! Love what you do!!

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, you poor thing! I’ll watch the next sucky Twilight movie and make fun of it with you…

  • http://twitter.com/Antharis Nell

    I had the loudest cackle of my life when I heard ya say there were people CRYING at the theater. 

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, if your pee is that color I’m pretty sure you need to see a doctor.

  • http://boorat.deviantart.com/#/d4c9c3t William “BooRat” Blackshire

    “brielmusik wrote:
    Some years ago (like 20 at least) I read a *great* article in a German SciFi magazine about Superman having Sex with Lois Lane. I assume it got translated from English, so maybe you’ll be able to find it somewhere. The Title was “Männer wie Stahl, Frauen wie Kleenex” (Men like steel, women like Kleenex). And it makes some of the very exact points you brought up here.edit: Google is great! Here’s the article – and it’s by Larry Niven!!! http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/supe…First: If Daddy has superstrength – what about the sperm? During Superboy’s puberty (think wet dreams) he’d already have shot several people in Smallville – and his room’s wall must have millions of microscopic sized holes… Even if the sperm wasn’t super-strong: You can cut rocks with what basically is a water-gun if the pr..”
    Yeah, I thought of that article too!  It’s actually Man OF Steel, Woman Of Kleenex!  Because “Man of Steel” is one of Superman’s titles like Man of Tomorrow or Last Son of Krypton!
    I’d love to see a movie actually acknowledge this someday.  The movie Hancock was going too and had one scene on this but it was cut in-favor of a more kid-friendly movie!  
    You can actually read a comic book version of this article from an old issue of I think Hustler and drawn by a former famous Superman artist from DC that was fired in the 80s!  

  • Anonymous

    pineapples

  • Anonymous

    Is someone still complaining about stereotypes in porn?
    Anyone left to rant about the bad influence on the female rolemodel, or maybe the fact that pornstars are normaly bad actors?

    No?

    That is because we acceptet the fact, that porn is simply a graphical tool bring satisfaction for a natural instinct.

    Twighlight is the same tool, just for teenage girls. There is no art, no innovation and no message in this “Saga” and a tool does not need to have those things, it simply needs to work and it obviously does.

  • Anonymous

    She: Let’s go see Twilight tonight!
    You: That is a great idea! Everytime I see Bella, I instantly have a crush on her!
    (Film ruined, problem solved)

  • skulb

    1 shot Kraken = 2 shots of anything but everclear.
    10 minutes in, 1 drink shy of wasted.

  • http://twitter.com/Casseopedia Casseopedia

    Watching this video, I had to start drinking out of sympathy for poor Spoony.  This shot’s for you, sweet prince, who suffered through this horror.

  • Anonymous

    First, I’d like to say that I thought this rant was hilarious! I’m just sad that you had to suffer for the sake of our amusement.

    So, a few times you asked, “how can anyone like this stuff?” or along those lines. Well, I thought that I would be brave and answer you. Yes, I did enjoy reading the Twilight books. The simple reason being, I do not in any way consider them to be fantasy novels. As far as I am concerned they are romance novels with a few vampires and werewolves thrown in for the sake of using the concepts to appeal to a different audience than is usually attracted to romance novels.

    I agree that nothing happens by way of much in the stories, except that the inter-personal relationships between the characters grow and develop. In the books, I feel that Stephanie Meyer did a very good job of creating believable characters who you could picture walking down the street, chatting to you and I find that impressive. As opposed to some books I have read and found halfway through that my mental image was wrong, due to the fact that the writer sucked at creating depth to characters. Yep, the movies sucked at doing that, creating true depth to the characters. The movies are shallow, and appeal to an audience that wants to drool over how ripped Jacob looks.

    I will point out that when I want to read a good FANTASY novel, I tend towards R A Salvatore, Tolkien, Terry Pratchett, Robert Jordan, Ian Irvine, Anne Mcaffrey, L E Modesit Jr, Isobelle Carmody, Garth Nix, the list, it continues ever on.

    Maybe I just excel at turning off my inner scientifically minded cynic when I so desire, not an insult guys, just know that a few people have suggested that no one who is intelligent could possibly enjoy these books. Oh, and I am soooo glad I live in Australia and we don’t have anywhere near the problem with twihards that seems to occur in the US.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F6DCTUY6RUMWXJKGOICRNIAXCM André Norell

      I agree – partially – with the “creating believable characters” thing, in that the supporting cast feels believeable, to a greater or lesser degree. Unfortunately, this does not extend to the main characters, if you can call them that, who feel more like blank slates than actual people.

  • Anonymous

    Poor Spoony!  You are going to be pissed about the end of the next movie – more than all of the other movies combined.  Guess what happens?  Montage!  That’s all that’s left in the story.  One big montage.  And the most disappointing ending ever put in print.

    I’ve suffered through the books, but have not gathered the courage or booze to sit through the movies.  Your vlogs about them are enough to quash any miniscule desire I had to see them, and you are much more entertaining anyway.

  • E B

    I did manage to read the first three books.  The books, like the films, are mainly written for women and especially young women.  I remember a ‘Twilight For Guys’ clip on youtube that had some fun with it.  Really, lots of stuff in books and films are pretty, laughable bad or stupid.  All the werewolves had like psychic powers or something similar so,  it is implied that all of his wolf brothers feel his male hornyiness or something.  Politically, it is odd how (a) we are suppose to admire a (very) older man (Edward) who stalks a teenage girl.  (b) the female heroine basically has no ambition or desire beyond having sex with a man who will physically hurt her very badly and or kill her.  (c) the only gays are decadent, flamboyant-foppish Europeans.  (d) the only ethnic minorities are the native Indians who live separate from the WASP. Frankly, the CGI for the wolves was lame, but they did have a more interested story to tell.  Jacob was not a great romantic role model, but was a bit better then Edward.  (e) the cop father probably could not find the ham sandwich located in his office fridge…and it goes on.  basically, if you do not have a riff track, get some one to help make one for you.

  • Dan Schuett

    Twilight: it’ll drive a man to drink.

  • Anonymous

    No postvideo commentary? They were some of the best parts in the last two (which is saying something considering how awesome the videos are)

  • http://vanilla-cupcake.dreamwidth.org/ Maeve

    Your pain makes me smile. I love watching people review this movie. :D

  • http://twitter.com/joliefolie Julez

    I love how every once in awhile, Oreo looks at the camera like “You see what I have to put up with? Om nom nom, string is tasty.”

  • carrma25

    “Have her tap you on the shoulder!”

    *hearty laughter*

    “That’s what Scarlet used to do”

    *awkward silence*

  • http://twitter.com/orangewontpeel andy slater

    you’re a coherent drunk

  • Jeremy Lee

    we watched this episode of spoony in my film critics class because spoony was the only non-professional critic who made valid points about why the twilight films are so terrible. the lovers of these “movies” demanded that this was not shown, but the instrutor loved spoony too much to turn it off and told all the twilight lovers to keep quiet since it was an honest review of a movie goer as opposed to a hater of the series.

  • http://twitter.com/Bdragon1984 Blackdragon84

    I feel your pain i don’t know your feelings on the series as a whole but to me this whole series is RETARDED. it takes a big smelly steamer on the vampire lore AND werewolf lore. and there are times when it don’t even follow it’s own lore. i say this if i want to watch a movie about vampires i will stick with bram stoker or bela lugosi. these movies where basically made just so teenage girls can fawn over the male actors take off there cloths.

  • Taybrian1

    Spoony, you can tell you are drunk as a skunk by your little rant at the end of being alone.  Do you need a hug?  I’ll give you a hug.  Not all females like the Twilight stuff.  I personally can’t stand it because of the fact it’s mainly about Bella and Edwards’ abusive relationship.  You would have to be either too young or too stupid to not see that.  The only way I will watch these is with the Rifftrax.  I’ve only seen little clips, but it’s still freaking funny.

  • AMorrill

    Does any one know where one could find the orchestral score of this movie? I wanted to see how bad the score is and all I can ever find are the crappy pop songs.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_45SIYM4H2CTIWNMWSAADCYCAFE E

      If you actually want to subject yourself to it… here is the link to one of the songs on youtube: 

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AF_IX_Jlh78

      This is actually (in my opinion) the best music from the whole movie. The rest of it is basically just the same thirty seconds of a single piano playing, on loop. It gets old REALLY fast. 

  • phoenixrider100

    The idea is that you cannot turn a child, not giving birth to one. Cause kid vampires are uncontrollable and kill everyone.

  • Mark Marchesini

    This video made me wanna drink, but all I have in the fridge is about 1/8 of a gallon of Capt. Morgan’s Long Island Iced Tea and 3 Mike’s Hard Pink Lemonade (my sister brought it… Ugh.) The LI iced tea has WAY too much Triple Sec in it, so I just poured the rest of it in a tall glass and poured one of those pink lemonades in it. It’s surprisingly good!

    Where the fuck does Spoony break down? I see him talking about Scarlett and being a little down on himself, but breaks down? No.

  • Mark Marchesini

    Personally? I wanna see more of drunk Spoony. People tend to have more careless attitudes and are brazenly hilarious while drunk.

  • Anonymous

    A lot of the questions Linkara asks are answered. For example, the truce is only between two clans, and has nothing to do with Bella herself. The truce is just that Edward’s clan has promised to never take the life of a human, and so Jacob’s clan has promised not to hunt and kill them. And it is completely unknown that a vampire can have a child because Edward’s clan is essentially cut off from all the other vampires (due to not eating humans) and thus do not know that it has ever happened before, as everyone they know refuses to have sex with humans (since it would most likely kill them.) It is also implied that the fact that Edward is a virgin is why it can happen, as he still has some semen left.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jbhaslach John Barton Haslach

      erections are caused by blood flowing through the penis. Dead people can’t get erections.

      • Anonymous

        Oddly enough, that is also explained, in a round about way. Vampires don’t just spit venom; all the fluids in their body are replaced with it, and blood is specifically mentioned.

        BTW, don’t think I’m disagreeing with Spoony about the movie. I’m just answering Linkara’s questions. These are some of the same questions I asked my sister, who is a (subdued) fan.

        • http://twitter.com/NickDaris Nick Darius

          One problem with that: There’s no blood flow. Technically all of that venom should just be pooled in his lower body, which ironically COULD force his body to have an erection.

          Haha, Angel Lust.

          • Anonymous

            The part about the lack of heart is something I don’t think Meyers ever considered, so I agree this is a fault.

        • Anonymous

          That creates another plot hole though. Venom is supposed to have the ability to turn whatever humans into vampires, and all the fluids in a vampire a replaced with it upon turning. And yet Bella was fine after having sex with Edward, even though he ejaculated venom straight into her body.

          • Anonymous

            Hence the “stored up semen” explanation. And I believe there’s an idea that it takes more than just a little venom to convert anyone. Otherwise, Edward drinking the venom out wouldn’t have made sense in the first book/movie, since he’d be putting back in venom (from his saliva) while sucking it out.

          • http://twitter.com/MichaelCWells Michael Wells

            Except in the story there is another vampire who has 6 half vampire children over 300 years of life scattered throughout. The logic is that a male’s body does not actually change much after puberty a female needs to alter to have a baby (To grow with the child) but a guy has sperm and so on.

            So who knows.

  • Arsenal Of Megadeath

    Well, the fact is this: the vampires were based off romanian-type vampires, not incubi. if they were; storywise it would answer A LOT. since they aren’t- everything in thier character is wrong and nothing in this movie makes for a reasonable characrter(s) additionally, why are we wasting space on Spoony’s awesome site over a movie he even admits is “shit”?

    • phoenixrider100

      They seriously are not based on anything, so don’t try to justify it with past lore. Mayer admits she did not look up ANYTHING when she was making this. She just took the pop culture view and did not look up anything else.

      • Arsenal Of Megadeath

        youre not getting any arguement on that.

        • http://profile.yahoo.com/GRFBVUL3KLNYCW6OKR37KFN3U4 Anne

           Whatever she did or didn’t rip off, she still should’ve at least – even just on a sheet of scrap paper or mentally or SOMETHING – laid down the basics of her vampires’ biology, the whole hoopla about whether or not half-vampire abomination babies are just rare or have never happened before, etc.  Even just so she doesn’t contradict herself. 

          • Arsenal Of Megadeath

            I agree. thats something good writers do.

  • Ryan Krapf

    This 90 minute review is better than the movie he is reviewing.  Love when that happens…

  • The Incomparible Mevi

    “This is really good…” *hurk*

  • http://twitter.com/Racecarlock Racecarlock

     It’s funny because he almost died of alcohol poisoning.

    (Disengage nostalgia critic impression mode)

  • Arsenal Of Megadeath

    (goes to get a rolling rock from fridge)….READY!

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, you are a braver man than I. I’ve seen the first 3 Twilight abominations but even I refuse to watch this or it’s Part 2.

    Well, not until the Rifftrax for them exist at least.

  • http://twitter.com/kirana44 C. L. Johnson

    For a drunk guy, Spoony seems incredibly coherent. I do have to tip my hat off to him, though – I’m not a drinker either, and one of the (many) reasons I don’t drink is because I don’t like to think what I would be like when I’m THAT drunk.

    “Esme” was also the name of Edward’s vampire mum, so the kid would have been named after both her grandmothers…but that STILL doesn’t excuse that shitty, godawful name.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_45SIYM4H2CTIWNMWSAADCYCAFE E

    I went to go and see Breaking Dawn with three of my friends a few weeks ago. The movie is simply atrocious, but it’s actually fun to see in theaters… if you go with the right people. One of the first scenes in the movie is Jacob Black storming angrily out of his house, dropping the invitation to Edward and Bella’s wedding in the mud. Then I shouted “TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT” at the screen, and he did! I called it, and everyone in the theater starting laughing hysterically. Even people who weren’t sitting with us. We had a good time. XD 

  • Darth_Dinobot

    most honest review ever, i like the true rawness of it, its kinda like a friend in need doin a hard job he has to do 

  • Arsenal Of Megadeath

    “I think my fascination with that very concept kind of comes through in Alice’s visions of the future, where there are fourteen million of them. As characters make choices, they’re narrowing down which visions can actually happen. Alice sees flashes of the future possibilities coming from the choices they’ve made. But if they make different choices, it become a whole new future.”―Stephenie Meyer on her creation of Alice’s power.
    In otherwords: YOU DON’T HAVE A FRICKIN CLUE WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE WRITTING ABOUT!14 million??? theres only about 2 real choices a person would make, you do or you dont. So unless a person has about 7 million personalities, where the hell do you get 14 million? even if it means in responxe to 14 million people, Alice would be mental! ok, even more mental! we’re talking The Joker Mental!  But really as I have stated, All choices come down to either doing something, or NOT doing something.

    • http://twitter.com/Jmckeown1994 jack brian mckeown

      i think you have a good point when you say you do or you don’t, but there are a great many things that you can do or not do. you could do something completely random and out of place, but it could still happen, so it would still create a future. then there’s the sheer number of people making such decisions and you could easily get14 million+ visions from that.

      going purely on the first film, the only one i have seen myself, alice can only see one vision: the most likely future at that given time. if someone changes their mind and does something else, then her vision of the future will change, but she can still only see flashes because, as you said, if she saw it all, she would lose her mind.

      also: there are dozens of reasons why stephenie meyer clearly has no idea what she’s on about and this is the one you chose to point out? nice one. i’ve never heard it before. good thinking

      • Arsenal Of Megadeath

        True, i just think that the way she spoke about the idea of that, she didn’t word properly enough. that as you said

        “going purely on the first film, the only one i have seen myself, alice can only see one vision: the most likely future at that given time. if someone changes their mind and does something else, then her vision of the future will change, but she can still only see flashes because, as you said, if she saw it all, she would lose her mind.”
        EXACTLY! Thank You, some one who gets what im talking about. Meyers doesn’t clarify. I think you put it better, and more clearer.

        but more so;

        My idea was: look, if you’re going to speak specifics about the character YOU created, be sure to clarify what you mean about said character. that and to drink your olvaltine.

      • Arsenal Of Megadeath

        True, i just think that the way she spoke about the idea of that, she didn’t word properly enough. that as you said

        “going purely on the first film, the only one i have seen myself, alice can only see one vision: the most likely future at that given time. if someone changes their mind and does something else, then her vision of the future will change, but she can still only see flashes because, as you said, if she saw it all, she would lose her mind.”
        EXACTLY! Thank You, some one who gets what im talking about. Meyers doesn’t clarify. I think you put it better, and more clearer.

        but more so;

        My idea was: look, if you’re going to speak specifics about the character YOU created, be sure to clarify what you mean about said character. that and to drink your olvaltine.

      • Arsenal Of Megadeath

        True, i just think that the way she spoke about the idea of that, she didn’t word properly enough. that as you said

        “going purely on the first film, the only one i have seen myself, alice can only see one vision: the most likely future at that given time. if someone changes their mind and does something else, then her vision of the future will change, but she can still only see flashes because, as you said, if she saw it all, she would lose her mind.”
        EXACTLY! Thank You, some one who gets what im talking about. Meyers doesn’t clarify. I think you put it better, and more clearer.

        but more so;

        My idea was: look, if you’re going to speak specifics about the character YOU created, be sure to clarify what you mean about said character. that and to drink your olvaltine.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        The world is binary: either do or don’t.

        That’s not to say the world only has one choice, one bit.

        -Engineer Zen.

  • http://twitter.com/MichaelCWells Michael Wells

    Ok just a little something

    Isle Esme was named after Esme who is Edward’s vampire mother. So its Renee and Esme and her middle name is Carlie which is short for Carlisle and Charlie so it makes some sense.

    As far as imprinting and lord knows I made fun of this a hell of a lot. Imprinting makes the wolf completely connected to the imprintee. If Renesmee wanted Jake to just be her big brother he would be the most devoted and caring brother in history. If she wants him to just be her friend he would be the best and most caring best friend she could have and no sexual things need to be there.

    So yes it is weird but in the books Quill imprints on a 2 year old and it is shown in the beginning of this movie.

    So yeah it is fucked up but its not completely messed up. They are incapable of hurting their imprints in any way accept by accident and that will cause them so much pain they will want to die.

    The reason its the highest law of the pack is because if a wolf kills another wolf’s imprint it would utterly destroy the wolf as their lives mean nothing without their imprint they would be hollow and utterly destroyed. It also means that whomever killed the imprint them and that wolf would have to fight to the death, there is no other way to settle this. So they do not want to do that, mostly because Jake is bigger and stronger then any one of them and it would have to be a one on one fight.

    So in short they want the baby dead but aren’t willing to actually risk their life for it. (The book has them setting off into groups of like three or four for each vampire. Meaning they can only fight in groups.)

    • Anonymous

      STOP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT! YOU’LL JUST FEED IT! DO YOU WANT CTHULHU TO COME BACK TO THIS UNIVERSE?!! 

      • http://twitter.com/MichaelCWells Michael Wells

        I think I do.

        But seriously I have broken down this story in a way that if I were to rewrite it I could possibly make it make sense and be ok if not good. This was not a bad book written by someone who just literally woke up and started writing a scene then another and another. It’s not bad when considered it comes from a amateur writer who has no training of any kind in writing.

        That is not to say it is not bad in sports. The pacing is god damn slow, the characters start going or doing something then get dragged back into the  ‘Oh he is so perfect’ thing Bella does. Seriously drop all those lines and the book is gonna be 100 pages shorter (for twilight it was 500 pages.. yes I googled it)

        • Guest

          Okay, so you say for an amateur writer, it was okay? Even saying that premise was true, that’s not good enough for a book that was not only published but that became insanely popular. Also, I’m a pretty terrible writer myself, but I can categorically say that nearly 10 years ago, back when I was 13 and wrote my first book, it was still better written than Twilight. What I wrote was a 500 page piece of sci-fi shit – so, comparable to Twilight in that regard – and it was still better than this. I’ve read fanfic on the net written by teenagers that was better than Twilight! For an amateur, she is not a good writer. She writes like someone who never took an English lesson beyond junior high. She wrote a literal purity Mary Sue as a protagonist FOR FOUR BOOKS! There is no excuse for that! None at all except if you are actually 12 years old.

          However, I am going to agree that if you re-wrote the characters, re-arranged the plot and actually had some writing talent, then yes I’m sure you could make this into a good book. In fact, if you can do it, I encourage you to do it, just to prove that this could actually be written well. I think that would be great. As it is though… it really is just terrible.

          As badly as its written though, I do have to say that one of the biggest problems I have with it is that this book is for girls in the 12-14 age range. There is no denying that. The writing style is only suitable for that age range – intentional or no. Yet, what Stephanie Meyer has written gives the absolute worst role model and message for young girls. When I first read Twilight, do you know what I honestly thought? ‘Wow, so a teenager got a book published. That’s rare. Well, it’s pretty terrible, but good for them, I hope they write better stuff when they grow older’, because it feels like its written from the perspective of a 14 year-old girl who has never had a relationship and never had sex in their life. Also someone who has never read a good book in their life to know what to aspire to.

          I’m really sorry for ranting like this. This isn’t actually directed at you, it’s just… I-I can’t help myself when it comes to Twilight. It’s like a compulsion. I start complaining and I just can’t stop!

          … I need psychiatric help. ):

        • Anonymous

          Okay, so you say for an amateur writer, it was okay? Even saying that premise was true, that’s not good enough for a book that was not only published but that became insanely popular. Also, I’m a pretty terrible writer myself, but I can categorically say that nearly 10 years ago, back when I was 13 and wrote my first book, it was still better written than Twilight. What I wrote was a 500 page piece of sci-fi shit – so, comparable to Twilight in that regard – and it was still better than this. I’ve read fanfic on the net written by teenagers that was better than Twilight! For an amateur, she is not a good writer. She writes like someone who never took an English lesson beyond junior high. She wrote a literal purity Mary Sue as a protagonist FOR FOUR BOOKS! There is no excuse for that! None at all except if you are actually 12 years old.

          However, I am going to agree that if you re-wrote the characters, re-arranged the plot and actually had some writing talent, then yes I’m sure you could make this into a good book. In fact, if you can do it, I encourage you to do it, just to prove that this could actually be written well. I think that would be great. As it is though… it really is just terrible.

          As badly as its written though, I do have to say that one of the biggest problems I have with it is that this book is for girls in the 12-14 age range. There is no denying that. The writing style is only suitable for that age range – intentional or no. Yet, what Stephanie Meyer has written gives the absolute worst role model and message for young girls. When I first read Twilight, do you know what I honestly thought? ‘Wow, so a teenager got a book published. That’s rare. Well, it’s pretty terrible, but good for them, I hope they write better stuff when they grow older’, because it feels like its written from the perspective of a 14 year-old girl who has never had a relationship and never had sex in their life. Also someone who has never read a good book in their life to know what to aspire to.

          I’m really sorry for ranting like this. This isn’t actually directed at you, it’s just… I-I can’t help myself when it comes to Twilight. It’s like a compulsion. I start complaining and I just can’t stop!

          … I need psychiatric help. ):

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

          But should an amateur writer get this kind of professional praise and recognition?

  • http://twitter.com/MichaelCWells Michael Wells

    also the bit about Breaking Dawn not being prewritten. That is not true. She had originally only written two books Twilight and Forever Dawn or something. So New Moon and Eclipse where filler books that where mandated form her publisher.

    Jake was always going to imprint on Renesmee, the volturi where always going to fight the vampires. She always got married and got pregnant only this happened right after Twilight. Jake never loved Bella, and that whole love triangle never existed. Jake was still a wolf though. So not sure where she heard that.

    • Anonymous

      What do you mean ‘written’? She just vomits onto the page and then whatever sticks she just sends off to the publisher.

      … Sorry for the disgusting mental image. 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6EVM3F2U7HDWHYC7LO7TETE2KA MichaelT

    I know everyone (including me) likes to rag on the Twilight movies, because….well, why the hell not? They’re awful!

    But to be fair, I’ve always been of the opinion that any concept, no matter how shallow, can make a good movie. A story about a high schooler who falls in love (or lust) with a vampire might seem stupid….and it is, but there’s still some story in there, and with smarter writing, better actors, and better plot twists, it could be alright. Somewhere in an alternate universe, Twilight is an Oscar-winning masterpiece.

    And anyone who’s seen the Nostalgia Critic Christmas Special knows that that version comes from a certain woman we all know and love.

    Also, I agree with Spoony on rereleases. While 3D conversions can be – no, always are – annoying and unnecessary, it’s much more preferable to rerelease movies rather than remake them for no other reason than to remake them. And to be fair, for most 3D rereleases there are also 2D showings. I saw Beauty and the Beast in 2D a week ago, and I know The Phantom Menace is also being released in 2D in some theaters.

    By the way, when Titanic is rereleased in 3D, I firmly believe that it will reclaim its place as the highest-grossing movie of all time. And when Star Wars Episode IV is rereleased in 3D, I believe it will do the same thing.

    Side note: Even if, like me, you like Episode I and want to see it in the theater, try not to see it in 3D. I saw the 3D trailer, and it looked really bad. And not bad in the usual way where it hurt my eyes, but bad in that it was barely noticeable. If I hadn’t had 3D glasses on, I probably wouldn’t have known it was in 3D at all.

    • Anonymous

       It’s not the concept, it’s the writing. Honestly, the way Twilight was written… If you have never had the dubious pleasure of reading something written by Stephanie Meyer, I am warning you DON’T! FUCKING DON’T! IT RAPES YOUR EYES! IT MAKES THEM BLEED TEARS OF BLOOD!

      I haven’t watched the movies because of the HORRENDOUS experience I had with the books, but I can’t imagine anything based on a book that mind-rapes you without lube can be anything other than terrifying.

      The writing… just….

      *Sobs*

      • http://twitter.com/kirana44 C. L. Johnson

        You know what the REALLY weird thing is about Stephenie Meyer? She’s not actually that bad at writing short stories. She’s AWFUL at novel writing, but her short story writing’s not half bad – mostly because you don’t need to do THAT much character development in short stories. You develop them as much as is necessary for the plot, which is normally restricted to a single event. That’s ideal for this woman. It’s the fact that she uses the kind of writing style you’d expect in short stories for full length novels which is where she fails. And in case you want to see where I’m getting this idea from – she wrote a short story for an anthology called Prom Nights From Hell, called “Hell on Earth”, and it’s about a demon trying to fuck up a prom by CAUSING A SHOOTING. It wasn’t amazing, but I didn’t want to claw my eyes out – that counts as a success for her.

  • Vincent Charicature

    Sounds like you miss Scarlet since she was with you for all the other Twilight films except this one… not to say the movies are any less shit though…

  • Vincent Charicature

    also I completely agree about the marketing crap they pulled by splitting the movie into two overstretched and crappier films. I didn’t like the deathly hollows either for that reason. This is what happens when greed and power corrupts filmmakers… or maybe it’s the investors by God fobid that they actually needed the money at this point… should be quality over quantity regardless of profits when films are concerned…

  • Anonymous

    Stephanie Meyer needs to have her career taken away and never be allowed to publish anything again. I won’t say something ridiculous like she should be shot (contrary to my own dearly-held fantasies), but the woman needs to be SHUT THE FUCK UP!

    She cannot write (I’ve read things by 13-year-olds which are written more competently), her plots are nonexistent (even using the word is an offense to the device), her characters are pathetic and barely two-dimensional with nothing larger than a vocabulary of about 150 words, the implications of what she’s ACTUALLY written are atrocious (broken aesop, anyone? Actually THINK about some of the ideas she put out), and her main character is a FUCKING CANON SUE WHO HAS NOT A SINGLE REDEEMING QUALITY AND WHO EVERY CHARACTER FAWNS OVER!! Oh, I haven’t even gotten STARTED on what’s wrong with those books yet. Twilight needs to be banned. It is turning our teenagers into idiotic mindless drones with such horrible grammar and demented morals that I am just about ready to request a fucking PURGE! GIVE THEM PORN TO READ INSTEAD! IT HAS MORE SUBSTANCE TO IT!!

    To answer the question: “How do they keep getting worse?” BECAUSE THE BOOKS THEY ARE BASED ON KEEP GETTING THE FUCK WORSE!

    In any case, if Stephanie Meyer thinks that Bella would break her HIP from being fucked too hard, bitch has obviously never gotten laid in her life. Trust me on this, it’s not your fucking hip that you’d be worried about. I’m gonna agree with Spoony on this one, if Edward was gonna break Bella through sex, just let her be on top! The cowgirl is not a difficult bloody position! Alternately, Meyer could have ACTUALLY made the book interesting and have gone straight to BDS&M and have Edward be the slave! She’s torturing her audience anyway so SHE SHOULD BE USED TO WRITING SADISTIC BEHAVIOUR!

    Anyway, thankyou for mentioning Anne Rice, Noah. Purple prose be damned, THIS IS HOW YOU WRITE VAMPIRES! Lestat fucks Edward hard! No, not literally…

    Also, Stephanie Meyer knows nothing about vampire physiology, but she knows nothing about human physiology either. Broken ribs? So punctured lung wasn’t an issue? Perforated mediastinum? Paralysis of the diaphragm? PICK UP AN ANATOMY BOOK!

    I love the fact that poor Lewis is trying to make sense of it. No, don’t. It’ll make the Elder Gods angry.

    “I haven’t read the books.” DON’T!

    Bella lives. To the disappointment of all. No seriously, fucking disappointment.

    I’m sorry, someone actually said, “This was nowhere near as good as the novel”?

    … I’m sorry, could you repeat that? Because I thought you just said that someone thought that there was something WORSE THAN THE NOVELS!

    Anyway, awesome vlog. Was absolutely hilarious and wonderfully cathartic. Thankyou for watching this for us, Spoony! Even if it did drive you to drink! And now I must go find clips of LK stinking drunk at his roast hehehehe.

    • Arsenal Of Megadeath

      I think I can only reply to this as awesome. that and to quote spoony ” it has plotholes so big you can ride a shoopuf though it!”

      • Anonymous

        Oh, thankyou very much. I think. I shouldn’t have really used caps – bad internet etiquette really – but you can’t really scream using normal text *sob*.

        Damn, this series (like Spoony said, ‘saga’ sounds ridiculous) drives me up the wall. Do you know what’s really really ironic?

        … My 19-year-old younger sister loves this series, books, movies and all.

        She has multiple copies of each.

        No, I’m not joking.

        • Arsenal Of Megadeath

          dont sweat bullets over using caps, i dont care what interquitte says, I think you put them in the right place and made what you wanted to express all the better!
          and as for your 19 year old sister- if thats what works. just remember, in 10 years she’ll look back and say “what was i thinking?”

  • Anonymous

    C’Mon Spoony. You need to watch Breaking Dawn part 2 when it comes out. It will be vindication for everything that you said about Bella up to this point. She was evil and manipulative in the first 4 movies. In the next one, she is just plain evil but with power. She is abusive to everyone in the movie, wants to wage war against the most powerful of vampires and does not give a shit about her lowly human father. 

  • Darth_Dinobot

    you were not drinking alone :p i drank about 2 liters of beer during this piece of crap :p 

  • Anonymous

    You know what I really love about this whole soft-core pornography for fourteen year-olds? It’s that, not only is it IMPOSSIBLE for a vampire to impregnate anyone, because their sperm and eggs are friggin’ DEAD, but they should not have any prostate! I mean think about it, they have no pulse, no heartbeat, no blood circulation, NO ERECTION!!! He shouldn’t be able get his stake up, and he shouldn’t be able to experience the pleasure needed to reach climax. He’s f*ing dead! God-d*mn this is stupid! I am never going to forgive this plot. Even if something else might be tortured into me, under threat of showing me the series, I might be able to forgive one or two stupid things, I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS! Male vampire porn is physically impossible, and I want you to f*ing realize that!

    • Anonymous

      Granted yes, and I agree the series is stupid. However allow me to quote, or rather paraphrase something I saw recently. 
      -
      A boy is frustrated about rules in movies, his father explains:
      “Son, how do you kill a vampire?”

      “Stake to the heart, garlic, um, sunlight?”

      “No, you can kill a vampire however the fuck you want, because vampires DON’T FUCKING EXIST! You can make up rules for any kind of thing you want.”
      -
      This is true. You say they can’t get an erection because they’re dead, but then again, how can they do anything at all?

      How do they talk? You need working lungs to talk. How do they move? You need a working heart to pump blood through your veins to transfer oxygen to your muscles to make them work. How do they see, hear, touch, smell, or taste? You must just have a problem with vampires in general. 

      I have a lot of problems with the Twilight movies but the vampire rules aren’t one of them. Do I think sparkling vampires are not at all intimidating and silly? Yes, but it’s her vampires whatever. I prefer the Anne Rice lore myself, but the vampire rules are hardly the biggest flaw with the Twilight series.

      • http://www.facebook.com/Grayfox176 Zac Cupp

        The problem here was that, at least in the books, she tries to explain vampires scientifically. And fails hard on all fronts. Normally, when it comes to vampires, I like to use the Tabletop game Vampire: the Masquerade for my explanations, which mostly comes from Magic, and the fact that vampires can will their blood to basically do whatever is in their power for it to do.

        For Twilight? Bad writing. That’s the only way I can think of that they can do any of the shit they do.

      • Benuben

        You forgot rest of the conversation:

        Boy comes to his mom and tells her what happened:

        “Don’t worry son. It’s not your fault your father is such a dumbshit. You re a smart boy and know, that vampires, as mythological creatures and have rules about them. You can’t make them sparkle, just as you can’t make  be giant, pink dinosaurs that eat socks. So, tell your piss of a father what I just did and remind him he’s late on alimony.”

        Look, I appreciate you tried to be contructive and polite here, but please, don’t bother people by this outdated and pretty much already dead argument.

      • Benuben

        You forgot rest of the conversation:
        Boy comes to his mom and tells her what happened:

        “Don’t worry son. It’s not your fault your father is such a dumbshit. You re a smart boy and know, that vampires, as mythological creatures and have rules about them. You can’t make them sparkle, just as you can’t make  be giant, pink dinosaurs that eat socks. So, tell your piss of a father what I just did and remind him he’s late on alimony.”

        Look, I appreciate you tried to be contructive and polite here, but please, don’t bother people by this outdated and pretty much already dead argument.

      • Benuben

        You forgot rest of the conversation:
        Boy comes to his mom and tells her what happened:

        “Don’t worry son. It’s not your fault your father is such a dumbshit. You re a smart boy and know, that vampires, as mythological creatures and have rules about them. You can’t make them sparkle, just as you can’t make  be giant, pink dinosaurs that eat socks. So, tell your piss of a father what I just did and remind him he’s late on alimony.”

        Look, I appreciate you tried to be contructive and polite here, but please, don’t bother people by this outdated and pretty much already dead argument.

  • Arsenal Of Megadeath

    i stand by my obligitory and idiotic statements.

  • Arsenal Of Megadeath

    How is it no one has put a hit out on stephanie meyer? (not that i mean that literally of course) but for all the lack of subplots, and extremely poor acting in the movies, and pure cheddar in regards to character (or lack of) development, how has she not been handed her head? have we come to the point where movies such as this (including all the star wars prequels) basically state to the world how bored and intellectually void the american people have become? (facepalm)

  • http://twitter.com/Kev_Tomes Kev Tomes

    Okay. Drunk Spoony is the funniest thing ever! 

    GET DRUNK MOAR! JOIN US!

  • http://twitter.com/Doctor_Docson Doktor Dok Dokson

    Hehehe Oreo wants a shot!

  • Strelnikov

    26:50 She’s pregnant and Edward freaks out….what the hell did they think was going to come out of the monstro-orgasam hip-breaking sex?

  • Johnny Davlin

    Spoony, you don’t smell the whiskey before you drink it! *gag*

  • Spriggs

    I feel your pain Spoony. My wife bought the DVD and made me watch it. The only reason why I watched this movie was so that she would watch Star Wars with me… and even then, I doubt that was a good decision. You watched it once. I have to watch it again when the next vomit inducing sequel comes out. God help me.

  • Markos_1980

    Having never heard of the Twilight saga, I decide to go and watch the first film when it first came out. I thought it was going to be a cheesy horror flick…

    I got up and left around the time when Edward transformed into a disco ball… It wasn’t horror, but it certainly was horrible. 

    If their (the producers) ultimate plan was to ruin vampire films forever, they certainly came close.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ian-Contreras/1219435856 Ian Contreras

    I love you, Spoony!

  • KaylaMS

    Renesme is for Bella’s mom, Rene and Carlisle’s wife, Esme. Carlisle bought the island, named it after Esme and gave it to her as a gift.

  • Rachenar

     Poor Spoony… should’ve mixed that CC in 7up or something… thankfully my girlfriend loathes Twilight as much as I do, that alone might explain why we’ve been dating for 5 years. Also, every time I see the movie at the video store I always picture the tagline
    “This movie drove me to drink”
    - Spoony

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_LRUIUQPADC7CDM7HWZJAJ52BL4 Kristian

    Skarlet? Spoony was dating a blood ninja from Motral Kombat?

    Talk about hardcore!

  • born2sing92

    PIECE OF SHIT! That alone could have been the review.

  • theshamster

    It gets worse in part 2; Bella is now a ‘beautiful, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, angelic……uh…thing’ and shows off her ‘powers’ and (vomits in mouth)

    her ‘baby’ grows up to become a permanant 17 yr old, not in 7 years as I thought, but in a year.

    This means it (I refuse to call it by name or give it a gender) has the intelligence of a 1 yr old…No way can it ‘magically’ have its intelligence rapidly develop in that short span of time! and Jacob and it have sex?!?!?

    Let that sink in for a second! Disgusting, yes?

    Oh, and it never experiences childhood like every one else does; no meeting other kids and making friends to grow up with and do stuff together, no learning at school and going on school trips or camps, no getting an education so you can go out into the world and, you know, DO stuff!…nope, nothing! All it does is get fawned over by Jacob who can’t wait for it to ‘reach’ the age of a permanent 17 yr old so they can have freaky vampire/shapeshifting wolf sex.

    Now let THAT sink in as well!

    Meyers took jacob, the ONLY main character who wasn’t a dick, and completely destroyed him!

    Damn you, Meyers! DAMN YOU!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brendan-Tucker/100000602726539 Brendan Tucker

      Because silly things like logic shouldn’t get in the way of plot convenience!
      Poor Jacob, this is not fate! it’s not true love! it’s chemical! he may as well be brain-washed!
      Ughh. What is it with twilight and lust masquerading as love?

      • OgdruJahad

        Well it is essentially just the sexual fantasies of a repressed Mormon housewife who has no healthy way of expressing them. It was bound to get real creepy real fast.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nathan-Brin/100000271757217 Nathan Brin

    it’s always cheers me up, seeing spoony drunk. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=773764921 Audra Goss

    I went to the movies to watch Mirror Mirror. When previews came on of Breaking Dawn 2, 

    • PeaTearGryfin

       That was what my theater was like when I went to go see Hunger Games.

  • Mangraa

    You … actually went to see one of the Twilight droppings … in the theatre…?  *shakes head*

  • peteman

     So Spoony, do you plan on getting the other TGWTG members to watch part 2 with you? Safety in numbers and all.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Jessano Jessica Marie

    I’d totally go see BDPt2 with you Noah. I’d be riffing it right along with you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000077094833 Andrew Smith

    The Rifftrax of the twilight movies is the best way to watch them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brendan.honeychuck Brendan Honeychuck

    mmmm….Kraken rum is delicious. also I have yet to find a girl that thinks twilight is any good. i don’t know if its just that girls are smarter in northern virginia, or if maybe they secretly

  • http://twitter.com/totem91 Μεταλλεργάτερ

    This is not Breaking Dawn review. This is drunk Spoony Breaking Down.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessicarconley Jessica Conley

    LOL Spoony is so funny

  • http://www.facebook.com/elise.simon3 Elise Simon

    If my mother fallowed the logic of twilight naming me and my brother, my name would be Vi’Marthe and my brother’s name would be F’Douglas.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003365096590 David Nyström

    Man, I love sponny when he’s drunk and depressed for some reason. You just want to hug him and tell him it’ll be all right.

    • http://twitter.com/IanHaverkamp Ian Haverkamp

      i know what you mean man, so we again see how great an actor he is and how sympathet he can make us feel for him, or he is just how he portraits himself in these videos

  • ctck

    Why do you assume a woman did the makeup?? YOU SEXIST!!!!

    • Techee44

      Ugh, shut the fuck up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tobias-Mbonne-Ahlm/100001212167826 Tobias Mbonne Ahlm

    “I tried to put the cap on the shot glass!”
    That’s a moment of Spoony history, right there…

  • http://www.facebook.com/asvenningsen Arne Stein Svenningsen

    Great vid Spoony, and remember nobody blames you for drinking after seeing that atrocious movie.

  • http://www.facebook.com/asvenningsen Arne Stein Svenningsen

    Awesome as always Spoony, and remember that nobody blames you for drinking after seeing that atrocious movie.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Elliott-Koepp/100000220245559 Elliott Koepp

    “I’m not a drinker, I’m switching to the whiskey”…….”I’m not getting one good idea, lets go inside where the gas is”…

  • DraculaAlucard1

    XD I love this Review/Vlog

  • DraculaAlucard1

    Linkara is funny, Jewwario is funny, Spoony is drunk. LET THE SITCOMS WRITE THEMSELVES. Too bad spoony left channel awsome, because this could be an awsome review show. The Smart, The Drunk, & The Anime Nerd

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000065433429 Sam Pagano

      He still can work with them you know. Just because hes gone doesnt mean all his friends disowned him

      • http://twitter.com/CheeMoonYeo Chee Moon Yeo

        Channel Awesome Public Relations Spokesperson Holly Christine confirmed that Noah Antwiler is still welcome to work with the company on videos (v-logs, crossovers, cameos, etc) if he wishes to.
        Also, many of the other reviewers including Lewis Lovhaug, Joe Vargas, Benjamin Daniel, Brad Jones, Bennett White and others are still on good terms with him despite what happened.
        Perhaps one day we will see him work with CA again.

        • http://twitter.com/Das_Bass Das_Bass

          From what he’s said that bridge is burnt. He wants too move on and I can respect his wish, though I’m sure he’ll work with people he’s still friends with as he was in Brads movie.

  • DraculaAlucard1

    Atlease Harry Potter was setting up for part 2 relyably, but this…..They just wanted money. Breaking dawn should be one 90 minute movie.

  • peteman

    I hope that you’ve found someone to share part 2 with (maybe your bro). This cinematic massacre on good taste must be reviewed, and your insights are some of the best out there.

  • http://twitter.com/Luffydude1 Luffydude

    This video is broken and won’t play :(

  • IHeart28

    This vlog is always so enjoyable to watch. Spoony, Linkara and Jewwario are so funny together. I can’t help but feel really bad that the movie was so bad, spoony had to drink alcohol to get through reviewing that horrible thing known as Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

  • http://www.facebook.com/geoff.certner Geoff Certner

    Oh Lewis, you ignorant slut!

  • http://twitter.com/XSpectreGreyX XSpectreGreyX

    Girls watch for Edward, guys watch for Alice.

  • http://twitter.com/XSpectreGreyX XSpectreGreyX

    Regarding the Bella drinking blood thing, I read something that basically says that’s bullshit. The nutritional contents of blood is so crappy that it’s not worth it. Plus, drinking it would make you sick. So… yeah.

  • Thalamus

    I *do* love Kraken, but it’ll knock you on your ass. And make you rant about movies.

  • Bryon Youngblood

    “Piece! OH! SHIT!!!!”

    Nice opening, Noah. ^_^

  • NymphadoraTonks

    Esme is Edward’s “mother” too, not just the island’s name. It’s the island’s name because she owns it. I’m ashamed that I remember this.

  • peteman

    Jew Wario was with you for this. It sucks so hard that you and Nash and everyone else couldn’t be given the opportunity to help him when he needed it.

  • Robert Tanner

    Robert Pattinson doesn’t give a fuck. He’s openly stated that he doesn’t care, plays Edward as a sleepwalking high-functioning psychopath, and generally takes advantage of the fact that he’s Stephanie Meyer’s mastubatory fantasy and can never be fired.

  • theforetoldlegend

    RIP JewWario!

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