The Slammies (12-15-09)

The Spoony One | Dec 15 2009 | 

Some more things I forgot to bitch about in the video:

Yes, there was so much that was shit in this endless 300-hour nightmare that I actually watched it again just so I could remember everything that pissed me off.

Dennis Miller bizarrely chose to do a political-themed monologue to kick off the show, which naturally tanked. He really took the pipe here. Can’t really blame Miller for being Miller though– this is what he does. The better question is why you choose Dennis Miller to host your wrestling program.

It’s obvious that Miller knew he was addressing an arena full of fucking mouthbreathers after his opening monologue was met with puzzled silence and the odd-mixed boos against his conservative rhetoric. Looks like he gave up pretty early and turned outright heel on the audience, although the audience was too stupid to know when they were being insulted. When Miller realized that he couldn’t even get a good rise out of these morons, he gave up even more and really looked like he wanted to go home. I really feel ashamed to be a wrestling fan at this point– both for sitting through television this awful, and being affiliated with the vapid, idiot demographic the WWE is shilling all of its merchandise to.

William Regal/Kozlov/Ezekiel come out and demand a 3-on-3 tag match against Christian. Christian obliges, saying he’s found two monsters willing to set aside their differences for this match. Kane and the Great Khali. Never mind the fact I could go my whole life very happily never seeing another Kane or Khali match, but the illogic of this thing still horrifies me. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Khali’s character get written off Smackdown when Kane destroyed his knee by repeatedly mauling him with the steel ring steps? And now all is forgiven? You mean to tell me that in this little story we’re telling, Kane utterly maimed and shattered Khali’s leg, forced him to undergo massive invasive knee surgery and months of painful rehab, and now that Khali is back they’ve decided to tag team together with Christian– for no reason– to fight three jabronis from ECW. Sweet Jesus, I’m depressed.

Miller comes right out and says he doesn’t know why he bothers writing material if all it takes to get over in the WWE is to run out and yell “suck it” while pointing at your schlong. The crowd doesn’t get it and remains silent as they try to figure out who’s being insulted. Most hear the “suck it” part and think that Miller is hip with D-X. He is not. I still don’t see how the continued existence of D-X makes any sense. What once was a group of young revolutionaries rebelling against the established power-base has become a pair of aged married men with children who have been at the top of the company heirarchy for about a decade. Revolutionaries do not shill for fucking glowsticks and green colored Santa hats. Fuck.

I wish I’d clocked out how fast it took Cena to utterly bury CM Punk but it couldn’t have been more than two minutes from bell to bell.

Miller introduces “The Show” Triple H. I really don’t know why they bother with guests hosts if they can’t be arsed to learn their fucking lines and clearly don’t know or care about the show.

The crowd boos Bob Barker winning “Best Raw Guest Host” because the crowd is a pack of fucking nimrods.

Forgetting for a second the idiotic DQ finish to the D-X/Jerishow feud, does anyone really believe in this whole “brand separation” nonsense? Since when has the separation stopped anyone from showing up on any show they wanted to? Even if it were enforced, both ECW and Raw have proven all it takes to circumvent this embargo is to wear a stupid mask and change your name. Instead, Jericho’s leaving Raw for…what, the fifth time? Oh no? And by the way, when assembling a group of wrestlers to throw Jericho out of the building to enforce the Raw brand separation, maybe you shouldn’t have half of them be from ECW.

Mark Henry/Yoshi Tatsu/John Morrisson beat Miz/Zack Ryder/Drew McIntyre in the second stupidest finish of the night, when Ryder nonsensically stuck his chin out and started yelling “Woo Woo” at Yoshi…who promptly kicked him in the face and pinned him clean. People are getting paid to write this garbage. I think if I were Zack Ryder and I were asked to lay down for a finish this stupid, I’d put a gun in my mouth.

Speaking of humiliation, Carlito has the glazed, bemused look of a guy who’s been trying to get fired and can’t believe nobody’s noticed that he’s been phoning it in for months. I know that look well.

I think they pulled the Kanye West “Imma let you finish” joke at least four times during this show. None of them were funny.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t watch the “Oh My Moment of the Year” because having Big Dick Johnson on the screen is just about the fastest way to get me to set the DVR to “ludicrous speed.” Honestly, what about that man screams “ratings” to Vince? He seems to have confused the concept of “comedy” with “skin-peeling, shriek-your-self-into-unconsciousness-in-the-shower revulsion.”

Oh, and just when you thought we’d dropped the nut-crushing stupidity of “Little People’s Court,” never fear, it’s next week on Raw. Goodie. Makes you want to tune right in, doesn’t it? Oh no, don’t book interesting matches or anything. D-X fucking around with midgets. That’s ratings. Uwe Boll made a movie where Verne Troyer gets raped by chimpanzees. This isn’t far off.