Vlog 7-8-10: Eclipse Review

The Spoony One | Jul 8 2010 | more notation(s) | 

In which you will not be surprised.

And another thing!

I remembered what I was going to say about harlequin romance novels, and how they differ from Twilight. The “saga” is really amazingly unsatisfying in that there isn’t much sex at all. I hesitate to call it a chaste romance– it’s not– since they both clearly want to screw like jackrabbits. It’s not a question of “will they, won’t they,” because they will, it’s just a question of “when they,” or…”how they,” since a major subplot of the movie is Bella and Edward negotiating when exactly he’s going to snake his tiny, sparkling little undead wiener in her, and Edward’s puzzling, borderline suspicious hesitation to even step up to the plate, much less go for first base. He continues to plead that it’s “too dangerous,” whether it’s because of his physical strength (ever hear of riding cowgirl?), or his own conflicting passions for blood (which is never really adequately expressed beyond stammering and him mumbling, “I can’t…not now…”). A smarter book might have explained the insatiable, desperate vampiric thirst and how he would lose control in the heat of the moment…ugh, just thinking about it makes me puke a little. But their reluctance to having sex until marriage is more a matter of physical limitations (Superman/Lois metaphor?) than any kind of moral hangups. They WANT to, they just can’t.

And that smacks of just plain lazy, uncreative writing. Trust me, a lusty couple would work something out. They’re called handjobs. Get a vibrator, Edward. This isn’t complicated, and this whole sheepish, “we mustn’t for I have the strength of a hundred douchebags and I might harm you with my vampiro-cock and its mighty shotgun load” routine spells “limp dick bore” to me. If Edward’s had a hundred years to learn how to love, you’d think he could have spent one of those to learn how to go down on a girl. For fuck’s sake.

The other thing that baffled me was the constant reminders from every peripheral character about all the things Bella would be sacrificing to be with Edward. Charlie, her school friend, Jacob, Bella’s mother, all give touching speeches about how they value companionship, the rich experiences of a normal life, growing old with someone and having grandchildren, making mistakes and learning from them, being enriched by family and all the highs and lows over the passage of time…and with Bella, it’s in one ear and out the other. She never even pauses for a second to rethink her decision. Not. One. Second. Again, perhaps a smarter novel would have made this into a very tragic story, where a young girl allows her lusts and passions to blind her into making a devastating and eternally damning decision, forever hating herself for her own ignorance and for not listening to people she should have trusted. Instead, the movie seems to imply that nobody understands Bella, that they’re being closed-minded or perhaps they could never understand what Bella’s going through, since they’ve never experienced a love as true and pure as her love for Edward.

No, I’m serious. I’m not making this up.

Despite all these perfectly well-reasoned arguments (so reasonable, in fact, I have to question aloud whether or not it was actually in the book), Bella enthusiastically discards her friends, family, any hope for a normal life, her loving mother and devoted father, and any chance at ever being integrated into society… for Edward Cullen. And all this leads back to my initial search for one thing, just One Thing connecting Edward and Bella besides their desire to fuck. Give me something. Give me anything. I’ll take it and run. With a romance story, you have to be able to somehow justify this blind, utter devotion to a person beyond purely physical or chemical terms. And no, “he gives her stuff” is not a basis for a relationship. At least, not the kind you’d swoon over.

I hate this series.

  • squidbuddy

    The Twilight phenomenon is as inexplicable as Paris Hilton's career. It serves only as a post-Harry Potter for tweenage girls who oh-so-desperately want to be with a hunky yet misunderstood mystery man. That's why Bella is so flat and blank; she's supposed to have no personality because she's a placeholder for the reader. While any normal, functioning girl would just get the hell over some high school crush, she has no traits or redeeming qualities on which to rely on so she becomes a clinging harpy.

    It disturbs me that this messed-up and psychologically incorrect series has become so popular with younger audiences.

  • RunsOnValveTime

    Twilight is contrived high school love. It's lust in its purest and simplest form. From experience, there is no “love at first sight”. There is lust at first sight, but you have to get to know each other to understand if you are compatible. This is tween softcore porn. Disney princesses have more complex love interests. Twilight is just cumulating all the hip things: including celibacy now. If it were confined to just teenagers, that'd be alright, but adults get into this. I don't understand.

  • http://onlyfivethemes.wordpress.com/ ScoreKeeper

    I think you've hit the nail on the head – it's post-Harry Potter literary rebound. (And I use “literary” lightly.) Which is weird, since it shares only a vestigial audience, the female half of the younger edge of the HP fanbase.

    I can't completely dismiss SMeyer. Well, as an artist, yes I can. As a craftsman and an editor and a psyche, yeah, I can. But as part of an industry, she's actually done some good. She's a) made long books cool again, which the Harry Potter generation should appreciate, and b) she's kept the Young Adult book industry afloat, almost single-handedly, when all other sectors of the industry have taken a pretty hard hit. So kudos. Grudging, conditional kudos, but kudos all the same.

    That said, thank you, SMeyer and company, for making me ashamed to be a teenaged girl. I hope the members of this phenomenon grow up one day and realize how they've set themselves up for failure and disappointment. Which won't apply to the Twi-Moms, but they're a lost cause anyway.

  • dragon_hunter21

    I don't think we'll be looking back and saying it's stupid- we already are.

    Also, in re:Your query into what interests Bella and Edward have in common- Their lust for blood, at least as of Eclipse.

    A snarky answer for a snarky man.

  • anonns

    The author needs dr.insano brand electroshock therapy just for demeaning her sex the way she did…

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/7UGOVT2HFPGUE7QCANOUSTWDDA Phate

    You wanted to know something that Bella and Edward talked about, something they shared an interest in?

    Music. That scene from the first movie, where Edward and Bella are in Edward's room? They find out they share an interest in music. (The reason she doesn't like music in New Moon is because music reminds her of Edward.)

    …I'm not doing this to defend the series, because now I'm saying that this is the -only- thing the two talk about in which they share a mutual interest.

    … I'm not a twihard. I HAVE A TWIMOM, OKAY?! SHE GUILTS ME INTO WATCHING THESE MOVIES WITH HER. *SOBS BROKENLY*

  • http://twitter.com/jurfrokstar Jamal Murphy

    The Spoony One must be a masochist to even watch Twilight movies in the first place.

  • PatMan33

    I am afraid to click play…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=510248802 Aaron Gaspar

    The only thing Edward and Bella have in common is complete lack of character.

  • http://twitter.com/VillainIsLemony Caitlin J

    As to what Edward and Bella have in common? Well. Nothing. Why he'd risk hurting her, and having other vampires come after her for love? He can't read her mind. Why she'd become basically a demon to be with him? He's beautiful. Like, marble and sparkles and shit. Abs.

    The music thing that Phate mentioned is only expanded 'further' in the books. And what do I mean by further? Just another blank slate for the audience to put in; in this instance, their favorite music.

    Twilight is the 'Quizilla Fanfic' of literature.

  • TomeOne

    Meyer's aim with Bella is to create this blank slate girl that every female reader can insert themselves into, which is why you have such devoted fanatic female fans. It's like they can be Bella and have this experience where two desirable men want them – with a vampire story laid over it.

  • Skyann

    Its pretty sad to say that I as kinda a twihard before, not like some people I know……But then I later realized how stupid it was, stopped liking it, and got really annoyed when my other friends started talking about it

    But….That was after I spread the disease to my mom, Who is now a Twimom. I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

  • dragon_hunter21

    Or not.

    Man, I really need to watch the movies before I comment.
    Or, y'know, not.

  • http://zelriku.deviantart.com/ Sangii

    Spoony, I'm going to say it right now. Your search box does NOTHING for me. It searches every single word in every single article and I end up with whole written reviews that I have to scroll through to find what I'm after. You need keywords on your videos or something, because this is brutal.

  • http://twitter.com/Thiefofhearts Thiefofhearts

    Go check out the Avatar: Last Airbender series. It's an american created series that's more of an homage to chop socky wire-fu fantasy films than some kind of by the numbers japanese anime program. It's well written and doesn't talk down to the audience.

    It's the best animated series in the past 5 years outside of Justice League and Oban Star Racers.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/YWYEEOBIKEMF6CSVQXYVA63IFY Patrick

    I am a guy, 25, and I only watched the first one, which I actually thought was kind of good. To me it was a 6/10. I tried watching the second, but it was so ridiculous that I stopped after about 45 min and I never watched the third. From what I've seen, they seemed to portray they (screenwriters) seemed to portray all the other guys at the WA state high school as very juvenile and shallow. They depict Bella as someone who is above that sort of behavior, maybe 5 years ahead of her peers in terms of her psychological maturity, so she is naturally more attracted to the “older” guy. Well, to be fair, there's a much wider gap between her age and Edward's, than between her age and those other kids, but I took it as an indication that Edward is more of a twenty-something in her eyes (at least, to begin with), and given her psychological age she's attracted to that sort of person. In terms of Edward's interest in Bella, you'll notice in the first movie she is “cool” about all the vampire stuff and from early on expresses her non-intent of telling anyone, which probably differs from other women he's met in his years. In other words, I got a sense of compatibility from the couple, perhaps just through luck of casting and direction, as I'm not sure if the screenplay ever justifies their mutual attraction super well.

    Also, just a thought: I thought that Bella was extremely hot in the first one, but she seems to be less so, at least in the movie advertisements of later installments. It seems like her makeup used to be somewhat more modest, but now she's going full on with eye shadow and whatever that shit is that colors your eyelashes — mascara, I think.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Teresa-Dietzinger/509381233 Teresa Dietzinger

    I feel fortunate I'm not a film reviewer. That way I can wait until the Rifftrax of this movie comes out before trying to tackle it. I can't imagine trying to watch it unriffed.

    Looking forward to your Airbender review. People are already comparing it to Battlefield Earth. We can only hope it's half as entertaining in a bad movie kind of way.

  • http://twitter.com/strife17 Eric Draven

    Spoony, my man, I know you don't wanna hear this but:

    Avatar: The Last Airbender is a great cartoon. It's wonderful and smart and funny and action packed and…RUFIO…uh…MAKO and stuff.
    It's not an anime. Anime is Japanese cartoon. Avatar was thought up by two white guys.

    Angry Joe is watching it and he likes it so far.

  • wingzero850

    ok spoony m night samalon i think i spelled his name right he was trying to put a hole season of a show in a movie i'm talking about avatar the last air bender

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joe-Ottoson/100000693361189 Joe Ottoson

    Twilight is basically an unattractive woman imagining how she'd act back in high school if she was somehow desirable. Other unattractive women and girls buy into this fantasy as well. It doesn't have to mean anything, it doesn't have to make sense. It's just a big pretty girl stereotype mashed in with vampires.

    The vampires themselves have no meaningful downside. It's basically like being born into a rich family. They might say “trust me, my life sucks” but everyone knows better, so everyone desires to get close/be the vampire.

  • http://zelriku.deviantart.com/ Sangii

    … Also, after braving the search system, I still haven't found your original Twilight review. Am I missing it? I can find New Moon…

  • mcgoverntt

    You thought of “high humidity” as a villain? Someone saw “The Happening” Rifftrax… :)

    Great review. For some reason, I can listen to you talk for an hour and remain interested.

  • http://twitter.com/KrataLightblade Chase Horn

    I'm going to get made fun of for this, but here's the reasons for the titles as I understand them…

    Twilight is the first exposure of Bella into the world of night, aka the supernaturals.

    New Moon is Jacob becoming a werewolf and exposing Bella to a whole nother side of things.

    Eclipse is the point where things get darker, and at the same time the point where Edward “eclipses” Jacob, so to speak.

    Breaking Dawn is when things get happy again.

    I hate myself for having an answer to that.

    • http://twitter.com/KrataLightblade Chase Horn

      A few more points that, again, will get me made fun of, I’m sure:

      Edward and Bella do share an interest in music, though not much of one. That’s why Bella asked Jacob to turn off the radio when they were working on bikes… music reminds her of Edward. Stupid, i know, since you’d think it’d only be some specific kind of music, but there it is.

      As for what attracts people to Twilight, I think that’s simple. It’s “safe”. remember that the target audiences for these novels are twelve year old girls and old married women who hate their marriages. Now, keeping that in mind, remember that they’re all looking for the same things: escape.

      Edward offers them that escape. He’s rich, “beautiful”, and he can read your mind so he ALWAYS knows what you’re thinking rather than having to guess… but he doesn’t now what Bella’s thinking, meaning she’s a mystery to him.

      At the same time, Edward is “dangerous”. He’s a “monster”, and that’s sexy, but also at the same time he’s totally safe because he’d never hurt you. So he gives off that “I’m a totally safe bad boy” vibe… to people who don’t look any deeper than they want to. They want him to protect them and be terrifying to other people, but they also want the danger… that doesn’t actually exist.

      I think that’s really it. Bella has no real personality, so you can step right into her position, and Edward offers the sense of a perfectly safe monster who is all about loving and protecting you forever.

      The biggest problem with Twilight is that Meyer does not understand her own characters. This would’ve been a great series if Edward had been an utter bastard and Bella had known that but been totally unable to convince herself to leave him. It could’ve been such a dark, beautiful story about love and abuse, and that would’ve been great, but no. Meh.

      Now, for Charlie.

      Speaking as someone whose parents didn’t have a bloody clue how to handle me, I can tell you that his character isn’t entirely out of line. He really does love his daughter, and he wants what’s best for her, but he doesn’t know how to help her outside of being there for her. He doesn’t really have much in the way of showing his emotions, and he doesn’t know HOW to protect his daughter other than what he’s doing.

      The bite marks on her arm have been there since the first movie, I believe… I think that’s the scar left when James bit her. Unless there are new bites I don’t know about. Those he probably doesn’t know how to react to.

      I think Charlie knows he’s being lied to, I think he knows very well that there’s a lot going on he isn’t being told about, but as the sheriff in a small town full of vampires and werewolves, I assume he also knows better than to push things too far. When he starts seeing the real stuff going on later in the series, his response is basically “Don’t tell me any more than I absolutely need to know”. I think that speaks very strongly to his character as someone who knows more than he lets on… but knows that if he steps out of line too far, he’s going to disappear.

      I think on a lot of levels he’s afraid that if he interferes too much in Bella’s life, she really will leave him again, and he can’t stand that. She’s already threatened it once, back in the first movie, when she used “I’M GOING BACK TO MOM!” as her excuse for leaving when she was trying to protect him from James. I think that’s something he’s terrified of. He’s afraid if she leaves, he’ll never see her again.

      Not an unreasonable fear, honestly, considering how she treats him most of the time. It could be said that he should drop her like a hot rock, but again, speaking as someone who had a father like that once, a parent can sometimes go to great lengths to do what they think is best without driving their child away, even if it seems just plain stupid from an outsider’s perspective.

      As for the “vampires with weapons thing”, I think it’s taken for read that when you can whack someone so hard that they fly thirty feet and it doesn’t break their skin or bones, there’s no weapon on earth that would actually pierce their bodies before they shatter. Basically, what’s going on here is that vampires are functionally immune to nonmagical weaponry in a world that doesn’t have the magical weaponry to overcome this immunity. Alas. It’s pathetic, mind you, and bullshit, but there’s your explanation: bullets would bounce off, swords or clubs would shatter, etc. Even a high explosive might not do more than stun them and that’s pretty hard to set with enough force to stun someone who can be “clotheslined at Mach 2″, as you put it, and also NOT hurt everyone ELSE in the fight. Most landmines do their damage through fragmentation, as do grenades. White phosphorous might work, but I don’t think that’s all that easy to come by, and would attract some attention.

      Admittedly it would make sense if you could develop BETTER weapons that could be used by vampires with super strength, but that presumes that any of them is any good at designing weapons, which isn’t a skill everyone necessarily has any interest in developing. It’d also require them to have a place to make them, which would be hard to pack up and take with you.

      As for taking Bella out of the area: Victoria’s after her specifically. It wouldn’t do much good to take her out of the area because Victoria would probably circle the area, catch her scent and run off after her instead of the ambush. Mind you, it would’ve been smarter to take her somewhere defensible and set up their ambusih THERE, I agree, but taking her elsewhere wasn’t much of an option if they couldn’t all be nearby.

      Now, that all said, let me say this: I am not defending Twilight, other than to say it is NOT as bad as it’s made out to be. It’s still bad in a lot of ways. But it is not the epic destruction of all that is holy that the Internet says it is.

      But you asked questions, and you made comments I wanted to answer.

      Hope I helped.

      Also: you managed to convince Kristiana Loken to let you interview her. I’m sure you can get some Twilight fans to defend Twilight!

      PS>> I liked Signs too.

    • http://twitter.com/KrataLightblade Chase Horn

      A few more points that, again, will get me made fun of, I’m sure:

      Edward and Bella do share an interest in music, though not much of one. That’s why Bella asked Jacob to turn off the radio when they were working on bikes… music reminds her of Edward. Stupid, i know, since you’d think it’d only be some specific kind of music, but there it is.

      As for what attracts people to Twilight, I think that’s simple. It’s “safe”. remember that the target audiences for these novels are twelve year old girls and old married women who hate their marriages. Now, keeping that in mind, remember that they’re all looking for the same things: escape.

      Edward offers them that escape. He’s rich, “beautiful”, and he can read your mind so he ALWAYS knows what you’re thinking rather than having to guess… but he doesn’t now what Bella’s thinking, meaning she’s a mystery to him.

      At the same time, Edward is “dangerous”. He’s a “monster”, and that’s sexy, but also at the same time he’s totally safe because he’d never hurt you. So he gives off that “I’m a totally safe bad boy” vibe… to people who don’t look any deeper than they want to. They want him to protect them and be terrifying to other people, but they also want the danger… that doesn’t actually exist.

      I think that’s really it. Bella has no real personality, so you can step right into her position, and Edward offers the sense of a perfectly safe monster who is all about loving and protecting you forever.

      The biggest problem with Twilight is that Meyer does not understand her own characters. This would’ve been a great series if Edward had been an utter bastard and Bella had known that but been totally unable to convince herself to leave him. It could’ve been such a dark, beautiful story about love and abuse, and that would’ve been great, but no. Meh.

      Now, for Charlie.

      Speaking as someone whose parents didn’t have a bloody clue how to handle me, I can tell you that his character isn’t entirely out of line. He really does love his daughter, and he wants what’s best for her, but he doesn’t know how to help her outside of being there for her. He doesn’t really have much in the way of showing his emotions, and he doesn’t know HOW to protect his daughter other than what he’s doing.

      The bite marks on her arm have been there since the first movie, I believe… I think that’s the scar left when James bit her. Unless there are new bites I don’t know about. Those he probably doesn’t know how to react to.

      I think Charlie knows he’s being lied to, I think he knows very well that there’s a lot going on he isn’t being told about, but as the sheriff in a small town full of vampires and werewolves, I assume he also knows better than to push things too far. When he starts seeing the real stuff going on later in the series, his response is basically “Don’t tell me any more than I absolutely need to know”. I think that speaks very strongly to his character as someone who knows more than he lets on… but knows that if he steps out of line too far, he’s going to disappear.

      I think on a lot of levels he’s afraid that if he interferes too much in Bella’s life, she really will leave him again, and he can’t stand that. She’s already threatened it once, back in the first movie, when she used “I’M GOING BACK TO MOM!” as her excuse for leaving when she was trying to protect him from James. I think that’s something he’s terrified of. He’s afraid if she leaves, he’ll never see her again.

      Not an unreasonable fear, honestly, considering how she treats him most of the time. It could be said that he should drop her like a hot rock, but again, speaking as someone who had a father like that once, a parent can sometimes go to great lengths to do what they think is best without driving their child away, even if it seems just plain stupid from an outsider’s perspective.

      As for the “vampires with weapons thing”, I think it’s taken for read that when you can whack someone so hard that they fly thirty feet and it doesn’t break their skin or bones, there’s no weapon on earth that would actually pierce their bodies before they shatter. Basically, what’s going on here is that vampires are functionally immune to nonmagical weaponry in a world that doesn’t have the magical weaponry to overcome this immunity. Alas. It’s pathetic, mind you, and bullshit, but there’s your explanation: bullets would bounce off, swords or clubs would shatter, etc. Even a high explosive might not do more than stun them and that’s pretty hard to set with enough force to stun someone who can be “clotheslined at Mach 2″, as you put it, and also NOT hurt everyone ELSE in the fight. Most landmines do their damage through fragmentation, as do grenades. White phosphorous might work, but I don’t think that’s all that easy to come by, and would attract some attention.

      Admittedly it would make sense if you could develop BETTER weapons that could be used by vampires with super strength, but that presumes that any of them is any good at designing weapons, which isn’t a skill everyone necessarily has any interest in developing. It’d also require them to have a place to make them, which would be hard to pack up and take with you.

      As for taking Bella out of the area: Victoria’s after her specifically. It wouldn’t do much good to take her out of the area because Victoria would probably circle the area, catch her scent and run off after her instead of the ambush. Mind you, it would’ve been smarter to take her somewhere defensible and set up their ambusih THERE, I agree, but taking her elsewhere wasn’t much of an option if they couldn’t all be nearby.

      Now, that all said, let me say this: I am not defending Twilight, other than to say it is NOT as bad as it’s made out to be. It’s still bad in a lot of ways. But it is not the epic destruction of all that is holy that the Internet says it is.

      But you asked questions, and you made comments I wanted to answer.

      Hope I helped.

      Also: you managed to convince Kristiana Loken to let you interview her. I’m sure you can get some Twilight fans to defend Twilight!

      PS>> I liked Signs too.

    • http://twitter.com/KrataLightblade Chase Horn

      A few more points that, again, will get me made fun of, I’m sure:

      Edward and Bella do share an interest in music, though not much of one. That’s why Bella asked Jacob to turn off the radio when they were working on bikes… music reminds her of Edward. Stupid, i know, since you’d think it’d only be some specific kind of music, but there it is.

      As for what attracts people to Twilight, I think that’s simple. It’s “safe”. remember that the target audiences for these novels are twelve year old girls and old married women who hate their marriages. Now, keeping that in mind, remember that they’re all looking for the same things: escape.

      Edward offers them that escape. He’s rich, “beautiful”, and he can read your mind so he ALWAYS knows what you’re thinking rather than having to guess… but he doesn’t now what Bella’s thinking, meaning she’s a mystery to him.

      At the same time, Edward is “dangerous”. He’s a “monster”, and that’s sexy, but also at the same time he’s totally safe because he’d never hurt you. So he gives off that “I’m a totally safe bad boy” vibe… to people who don’t look any deeper than they want to. They want him to protect them and be terrifying to other people, but they also want the danger… that doesn’t actually exist.

      I think that’s really it. Bella has no real personality, so you can step right into her position, and Edward offers the sense of a perfectly safe monster who is all about loving and protecting you forever.

      The biggest problem with Twilight is that Meyer does not understand her own characters. This would’ve been a great series if Edward had been an utter bastard and Bella had known that but been totally unable to convince herself to leave him. It could’ve been such a dark, beautiful story about love and abuse, and that would’ve been great, but no. Meh.

      Now, for Charlie.

      Speaking as someone whose parents didn’t have a bloody clue how to handle me, I can tell you that his character isn’t entirely out of line. He really does love his daughter, and he wants what’s best for her, but he doesn’t know how to help her outside of being there for her. He doesn’t really have much in the way of showing his emotions, and he doesn’t know HOW to protect his daughter other than what he’s doing.

      The bite marks on her arm have been there since the first movie, I believe… I think that’s the scar left when James bit her. Unless there are new bites I don’t know about. Those he probably doesn’t know how to react to.

      I think Charlie knows he’s being lied to, I think he knows very well that there’s a lot going on he isn’t being told about, but as the sheriff in a small town full of vampires and werewolves, I assume he also knows better than to push things too far. When he starts seeing the real stuff going on later in the series, his response is basically “Don’t tell me any more than I absolutely need to know”. I think that speaks very strongly to his character as someone who knows more than he lets on… but knows that if he steps out of line too far, he’s going to disappear.

      I think on a lot of levels he’s afraid that if he interferes too much in Bella’s life, she really will leave him again, and he can’t stand that. She’s already threatened it once, back in the first movie, when she used “I’M GOING BACK TO MOM!” as her excuse for leaving when she was trying to protect him from James. I think that’s something he’s terrified of. He’s afraid if she leaves, he’ll never see her again.

      Not an unreasonable fear, honestly, considering how she treats him most of the time. It could be said that he should drop her like a hot rock, but again, speaking as someone who had a father like that once, a parent can sometimes go to great lengths to do what they think is best without driving their child away, even if it seems just plain stupid from an outsider’s perspective.

      As for the “vampires with weapons thing”, I think it’s taken for read that when you can whack someone so hard that they fly thirty feet and it doesn’t break their skin or bones, there’s no weapon on earth that would actually pierce their bodies before they shatter. Basically, what’s going on here is that vampires are functionally immune to nonmagical weaponry in a world that doesn’t have the magical weaponry to overcome this immunity. Alas. It’s pathetic, mind you, and bullshit, but there’s your explanation: bullets would bounce off, swords or clubs would shatter, etc. Even a high explosive might not do more than stun them and that’s pretty hard to set with enough force to stun someone who can be “clotheslined at Mach 2″, as you put it, and also NOT hurt everyone ELSE in the fight. Most landmines do their damage through fragmentation, as do grenades. White phosphorous might work, but I don’t think that’s all that easy to come by, and would attract some attention.

      Admittedly it would make sense if you could develop BETTER weapons that could be used by vampires with super strength, but that presumes that any of them is any good at designing weapons, which isn’t a skill everyone necessarily has any interest in developing. It’d also require them to have a place to make them, which would be hard to pack up and take with you.

      As for taking Bella out of the area: Victoria’s after her specifically. It wouldn’t do much good to take her out of the area because Victoria would probably circle the area, catch her scent and run off after her instead of the ambush. Mind you, it would’ve been smarter to take her somewhere defensible and set up their ambusih THERE, I agree, but taking her elsewhere wasn’t much of an option if they couldn’t all be nearby.

      Now, that all said, let me say this: I am not defending Twilight, other than to say it is NOT as bad as it’s made out to be. It’s still bad in a lot of ways. But it is not the epic destruction of all that is holy that the Internet says it is.

      But you asked questions, and you made comments I wanted to answer.

      Hope I helped.

      Also: you managed to convince Kristiana Loken to let you interview her. I’m sure you can get some Twilight fans to defend Twilight!

      PS>> I liked Signs too.

    • http://twitter.com/KrataLightblade Chase Horn

      A few more points that, again, will get me made fun of, I’m sure:

      Edward and Bella do share an interest in music, though not much of one. That’s why Bella asked Jacob to turn off the radio when they were working on bikes… music reminds her of Edward. Stupid, i know, since you’d think it’d only be some specific kind of music, but there it is.

      As for what attracts people to Twilight, I think that’s simple. It’s “safe”. remember that the target audiences for these novels are twelve year old girls and old married women who hate their marriages. Now, keeping that in mind, remember that they’re all looking for the same things: escape.

      Edward offers them that escape. He’s rich, “beautiful”, and he can read your mind so he ALWAYS knows what you’re thinking rather than having to guess… but he doesn’t now what Bella’s thinking, meaning she’s a mystery to him.

      At the same time, Edward is “dangerous”. He’s a “monster”, and that’s sexy, but also at the same time he’s totally safe because he’d never hurt you. So he gives off that “I’m a totally safe bad boy” vibe… to people who don’t look any deeper than they want to. They want him to protect them and be terrifying to other people, but they also want the danger… that doesn’t actually exist.

      I think that’s really it. Bella has no real personality, so you can step right into her position, and Edward offers the sense of a perfectly safe monster who is all about loving and protecting you forever.

      The biggest problem with Twilight is that Meyer does not understand her own characters. This would’ve been a great series if Edward had been an utter bastard and Bella had known that but been totally unable to convince herself to leave him. It could’ve been such a dark, beautiful story about love and abuse, and that would’ve been great, but no. Meh.

      Now, for Charlie.

      Speaking as someone whose parents didn’t have a bloody clue how to handle me, I can tell you that his character isn’t entirely out of line. He really does love his daughter, and he wants what’s best for her, but he doesn’t know how to help her outside of being there for her. He doesn’t really have much in the way of showing his emotions, and he doesn’t know HOW to protect his daughter other than what he’s doing.

      The bite marks on her arm have been there since the first movie, I believe… I think that’s the scar left when James bit her. Unless there are new bites I don’t know about. Those he probably doesn’t know how to react to.

      I think Charlie knows he’s being lied to, I think he knows very well that there’s a lot going on he isn’t being told about, but as the sheriff in a small town full of vampires and werewolves, I assume he also knows better than to push things too far. When he starts seeing the real stuff going on later in the series, his response is basically “Don’t tell me any more than I absolutely need to know”. I think that speaks very strongly to his character as someone who knows more than he lets on… but knows that if he steps out of line too far, he’s going to disappear.

      I think on a lot of levels he’s afraid that if he interferes too much in Bella’s life, she really will leave him again, and he can’t stand that. She’s already threatened it once, back in the first movie, when she used “I’M GOING BACK TO MOM!” as her excuse for leaving when she was trying to protect him from James. I think that’s something he’s terrified of. He’s afraid if she leaves, he’ll never see her again.

      Not an unreasonable fear, honestly, considering how she treats him most of the time. It could be said that he should drop her like a hot rock, but again, speaking as someone who had a father like that once, a parent can sometimes go to great lengths to do what they think is best without driving their child away, even if it seems just plain stupid from an outsider’s perspective.

      As for the “vampires with weapons thing”, I think it’s taken for read that when you can whack someone so hard that they fly thirty feet and it doesn’t break their skin or bones, there’s no weapon on earth that would actually pierce their bodies before they shatter. Basically, what’s going on here is that vampires are functionally immune to nonmagical weaponry in a world that doesn’t have the magical weaponry to overcome this immunity. Alas. It’s pathetic, mind you, and bullshit, but there’s your explanation: bullets would bounce off, swords or clubs would shatter, etc. Even a high explosive might not do more than stun them and that’s pretty hard to set with enough force to stun someone who can be “clotheslined at Mach 2″, as you put it, and also NOT hurt everyone ELSE in the fight. Most landmines do their damage through fragmentation, as do grenades. White phosphorous might work, but I don’t think that’s all that easy to come by, and would attract some attention.

      Admittedly it would make sense if you could develop BETTER weapons that could be used by vampires with super strength, but that presumes that any of them is any good at designing weapons, which isn’t a skill everyone necessarily has any interest in developing. It’d also require them to have a place to make them, which would be hard to pack up and take with you.

      As for taking Bella out of the area: Victoria’s after her specifically. It wouldn’t do much good to take her out of the area because Victoria would probably circle the area, catch her scent and run off after her instead of the ambush. Mind you, it would’ve been smarter to take her somewhere defensible and set up their ambusih THERE, I agree, but taking her elsewhere wasn’t much of an option if they couldn’t all be nearby.

      Now, that all said, let me say this: I am not defending Twilight, other than to say it is NOT as bad as it’s made out to be. It’s still bad in a lot of ways. But it is not the epic destruction of all that is holy that the Internet says it is.

      But you asked questions, and you made comments I wanted to answer.

      Hope I helped.

      Also: you managed to convince Kristiana Loken to let you interview her. I’m sure you can get some Twilight fans to defend Twilight!

      PS>> I liked Signs too.

  • squidbuddy

    I know I'm posting twice in this topic, but I have one thing to say about this movie: Why Bella? How is she so important that an entire war between mythological forces would be launched for the sole purpose of making Edward lonely? She's a conniving, clingy and sociopathic bitch with no redeeming quality! It can't be because of her personality because she has none and as for looks, hell, I've had high school crushes that DOMINATE her scrawny ass! And she has TWO hunky guys after her? I've heard of jumping the shark, but by this point, we've jumped oceans.

  • http://twitter.com/DyloniusFunk Dylan Stalnaker

    I was going to say the exact same thing. The art style is anime inspired but it is not anime in the traditional sense since it was made in America.

  • mondomolesto

    I dunno man….i've never seen this twilight stuff because it just looks like it sucks, but from listening to this review it sounds like a real chicken-fuck.

  • http://twitter.com/Nadanesca Nadanesca

    One of the reasons Bella has no actual interests is because she is supposed to be a literary archtype for the female reader, she's a shell that the reader can use. What we see in the movie is that archetype not transferring to the silver screen properly. That and the books aren't written very well.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rsaylors Rohny Saylors

    HAND TURKEYS!

    She loves making those cut-out hand turkeys.. oh, and being stared at… and he loves staring

    so shit there you go; true love

    honestly though; she loves him because he is magically-attractive (making him a better predator). He loves her because she smells like the best dinner ever!

    I've watched the first POS like… 5 times and am making a review of the movie that is about 5 times longer than the movie itself… there will be lawls.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rsaylors Rohny Saylors

    They 'love' each other because she smells like the best dinner ever and he is magically-attractive so that she will give herself to her.

  • http://twitter.com/DyloniusFunk Dylan Stalnaker

    Spoony man you took a bullet for us and i for one am very appreciative. I don't plan to see this movie, and i never saw the other two. As far as i can tell it's just tween porn with a vampire and a werewolf thrown in. It's trying ti appeal to the Cosmo Girl crowd and the Harry Potter crowd all at the same time while pushing Mormon fundamentals about sex. To be honest, i'm ashamed to admit this but i'm on Team Jacob. Just from everything i had heard about the guy and read about him he seemed like a decent guy who was just getting cock blocked by the damn vampire. I think Doug Walker and Bill Corbett are also on Team Jacob judgeing by the Bum Reviews and the Rifftraxs of the other films.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/7UGOVT2HFPGUE7QCANOUSTWDDA Phate

    About The Last Airbender…

    As a fan of ther series, I went to watch it having read or watched every review I could find. Probably a bad idea, but I wanted to know what I was getting into when I stepped into that empty theater. And I walked out feeling almost nothing but faint amusement and a sense of loss, because I will never get those two hours back. I hope your brother didn't go to the 3D version, because that's the biggest load of horseshit ever.

  • KevinLionheart

    Here's something interesting: name a single piece of genre fiction aimed at young girls, even in the last 50 years. There is nothing. Every sci-fi, fantasy, or super hero story that was ostensibly aimed at girls was really just in disguise and aimed at young boys or men. Wonder Woman? No, she's a scantily clad heroine meant to appeal to men who like 'strong' women.

    We did this to ourselves. We, as nerds, have rejected almost everything that could be marketed to women from our world. Something had to fill the void. Twilight is a story in genre fiction that is actually meant to appeal to young girls. The lead female is a blank slate that they can project themselves onto, the supernatural males fighting over her are just pretty faces that show a lot of skin. Nerdy female tweens now have something they can call their own.

    Yeah, it doesn't make any sense and the story sucks and all of these tweens will look back in 5 years and think about how silly it all was – but think about it.

    What interests do Spider-Man and Mary Jane share?
    What about Batman? Why does he love Rachel Dawes? Because they grew up together? Do they share interests? Are any of the relationships in any other Batman movie any more meaningful?
    Why does Superman love Lois Lane?

    I know romance isn't the focus of those stories, but it does play a central part. Almost all of the genre fiction aimed at young men has the same limitations in relationships. Why does the hero love the female counterpart? Because she's attractive, of course!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=25102916 Bryan Edwards

      Nancy Drew

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ron-Moore/817077660 Ron Moore

      Your logic is kind of flawed here. All of those relationships you mentioned all had an extended amount of time to grow. All of them started off as friends long before they jumped into a something else.

  • specterm91

    About the potential “well you like THIS and it's stupid!” argument. I totally agree with your point, and I've been hammering it home on forums, but people don't seem to grasp it. Usually, as much as I love them, I WILL tell you that 300 and Evil Dead are silly, irreverent, and just stupid. I watch them A) Watch The Chinned One chainsaw shit up, and B) See gallons of gore for no real reason and exaggerated Greek bullshit. I'll tell you that. Most people would. Twi-tards lie, they pass this off as a romance story with deep meaning, when we all know that it exists only to give women softcore porn. :P

  • http://twitter.com/xikar Nicholas Spezio

    I'm not really going to comment of the Twilight Saga since, you pretty much laid out my opinion on the stories. Well you didn't get into the “their not vampires and werewolves” but I think that's a given at this point.
    Anyways just a word of warning and caution, for when you watch The Last Airbender and make a review. Don't judge the entire Animated series plot and story on how its portrayed in the movie. Because its done so much better in the 26 episodes of season 1 than the 103 minute movie they made.
    AngryJoe kinda made that mistake but he's watching the series now and apparently enjoying it.

    But the Last Airbender really is garbage.

  • http://twitter.com/DyloniusFunk Dylan Stalnaker

    One quick thing. Although i might not be doing it now because of some stupid shit Blizzard is doing with Real ID (a whole other topic), i was planning to resub to World Of Warcraft to see how many new Worgen had Jacob themed names and see how many got mercilessly ganked by Horde.

  • goodguya

    Worst Villain- A glass of water.

  • http://twitter.com/bojak90 Gabriel Bono

    I'll give it to ya straight Spoony. The truth is that Meyer got lucky; a publisher saw the book, realized it would be a series with about the page number of harry potter and could be targeted at tweens who don't know a thing about love or are able to see some of the more messed up aspects, Vampires were getting a bit of a pop boost, and the publisher checked out sites like Gaia which were/might still be clogged with Vampire romance RPs. Not to mention the fanfic writers who love shoving boring ass, terribly written romances (thus a market was already available). They then shoved the marketing machine into it and it propeleed it self. The target audience bought it and that target has an impact on sales quite a bit were books and movies are sold so news stations took note it got even more coverage.

    Now here's the key. If a book is popular, no one is going to have the balls or take the time to tell why and how their books suck to the tween's face. Thus everyone acted like it was good and it was selling like mad (see the secret, or the atkins diet, only a minority were willing to point out the flaws until the majority of the sales occured). Bandwagon happened and people didn't want to be left out so it spread to other demographics.

    It comes down to the fact that the majority of people will like something if enough people say it's good. Think about fast food…none of it's delicious but we buy the stuff by the truck loads because we're exposed to so much marketing (it's not even that we're lazy since the same amount of effort could make a tasty sandwich or heat up a microwave meal that tastes the same).

    Okay a lot of terrible rambling and falla cy filled argument aside here's the summary: The audience has fooled themselves into loving it due to marketing and societal forces, it could have happened to anything but we got unlucky and this is what got picked.

  • thehistorybuff

    My mother and younger sister are both Twilight Nuts. I am the only guy in the house and it's driving me BATTY!
    To answer you question as to what we will think of it in the future, we won't. We will have forgoten about it and blocked it from our memories. Just like checked suits.

  • ohmrice

    It always bugged the shit out of me whenever Bella and Edward kissed, Edward looked like he was physically in pain.

    It's probably just Pattinson doubting this terrible choice in his acting carrier.

  • mkfan1602

    Spoony I have got to ask you what you think of Tru Blood?

  • http://www.facebook.com/spade.ortiz Michael Ortiz

    Hey Spoony… REALLY OFF TOPIC but i just watched Sliders for the first time, now i know why you swear by it… its awsome

  • http://onlyfivethemes.wordpress.com/ ScoreKeeper

    …now I really want to do an in-depth analysis trying to find SOME kind of subconscious literary connection that makes the Twinomenon make sense. (I feel like Thomas Foster might have SOMETHING…maybe…though if Campbell didn't…) If you really decide to find novelly people to talk to, the National Novel Writing Month community would be an excellent place to start. Professionals, amateurs, professors, voracious readers in any genre, maybe even a Twihard or two if you look hard enough.

    On the subject of The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan's fatal flaw, his mortal sin, was not that he made a terrible movie. He's done that before. It's that he screwed with the wrong fanbase, and now we're baying for his blood. He took a cartoon so good that no one would believe it came out of Nickelodeon and stripped it of its life and soul.

  • LadyLecter47

    Amazing review. I will wait til Mike Nelson and friends come out with a rifftrax before I see it probably. The only big argument I can make is Pattison's acting being like passing a kidney stone. Trust me, he wouldn't look like that, he would be curled up in pain if that was his motivation. I have had 4. I know these things. I always thought it looked like extreme constipation, like he took an entire box of imodium and was then forced to read dialogue.

    I also agree with a comment posted below that Bella is meant to be a cut out for the reader to insert themself into. The fanfiction term is a Mary-Sue I believe. Plus, from what I am told the Twilight “Saga” is basically like reading bad fanfiction.

    In any case, love you Spoony!

  • URGMA

    i think you have examined these movies more than anyone else has so far and for that you are truly worthy….or something…. i don't know but you're awesome :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/justin.campbell2 Justin Campbell

    Spoony Please for the love of God watch a couple episodes of Air Bender before you go see the movie. First off it is not an anime, it is an american produced cartoon shoe made by nickelodeon and is one of the best cartoon shows made this decade and reminds me a lot of the old 80s and 90s cartoons I grew up with. I really want to see someone review it who at least has some idea of what the cartoon is like. Thank you.

  • Ashenge

    Oh just give the airbender a chance, Spoony. I did (WITHIN THE PAST WEEK; The entire first two seasons, not knowing much about it). And I love it for, well, most of what it set out to do. Just find a way. You won't be wasting your time. Things don't get this popular for being bad– …

    Erm. Well, Twilight does. But Avatar is great.

  • http://twitter.com/VillainIsLemony Caitlin J

    Sorry to post again but to me, monsters worse than the wind…hmm…

    Well I myself think that deadly home appliances coming to life is stupid. I mean AM from I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream is one thing, but something like…a killer cheese grater. Even though it was supposed to be a Horror Comedy, Jack Frost had a killer SNOWMAN. Who killes a girl by rape with his carrot stick. Not lying. xD

    I'm excited for Breaking Dawn in a way too. Partly for the Narm, partly for the damn hype to be over. Alien-ripoff birth scene, Pedowolf, Deus ex Machina up the ass, even a lot of fans hated it. It's going to be legendary for how horrible it will be, I'm sure.

  • http://twitter.com/VillainIsLemony Caitlin J

    Sorry to post again but to me, monsters worse than the wind…hmm…

    Well I myself think that deadly home appliances coming to life is stupid. I mean AM from I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream is one thing, but something like…a killer cheese grater. Even though it was supposed to be a Horror Comedy, Jack Frost had a killer SNOWMAN. Who killes a girl by rape with his carrot stick. Not lying. xD

    I'm excited for Breaking Dawn in a way too. Partly for the Narm, partly for the damn hype to be over. Alien-ripoff birth scene, Pedowolf, Deus ex Machina up the ass, even a lot of fans hated it. It's going to be legendary for how horrible it will be, I'm sure.

  • Ashenge

    Aaah. Well he can't kill Avatar. But he can paint a target on his chest. NO ONE is paying this movie any credence. For once, the critics are very aware of the quality of the source material. Even Ebert knows.

  • http://celluloidandsilicon.blogspot.com/ Avenging_Mike

    From what I've heard, Jacob is rapist-like due to Meyer getting pissed off at people thinking Bella and Jacob should get together, so she tried to make the character as reprehensible as she could get away with.

  • Kaishai

    Monsters that may be more ridiculous than the wind: brownies. (The chocolate, not the elves.) A can of Sprite. Duck-billed platypi. Cheese. One of those plastic daisies that dances when it hears music. I'm not absolutely sure about the last one.

    Regarding _Twilight_, at least the first book… I've never seen a book suffer so badly from hype backlash. No, it's not good; it's not well-written and it has bad characters and the romance is astoundingly empty, but maybe the saddest thing is, it's *not much worse if worse at all* than plenty of other cheap YA schlock. The only difference is that for some unknown reason the public embraced this instead of casting it aside a la Pumpkinhead's Revenge. It should have lived and died as brain candy and future nostalgia for its readers, at best.

    Genre fiction aimed at girls, though? That's easy. Nancy Drew. The first two books of McCaffrey's Harper Hall trilogy. Diane Duane's Young Wizards series. Annette Curtis Klaus's _Silver Kiss_. Suzy McKee Charnas's _Bronze King_, _Silver Glove_, and _Golden Thread_. Madeleine L'Engle's stuff is at least gender-neutral, and _Wrinkle In Time_ and _Wind In the Door_ are sort of female-geared. If you include stuff from the grown-up shelves I loved at eleven or twelve, the list gets longer. I'm a female fantasy nerd of Spoony's age and I didn't suffer for reading material growing up.

    I don't know what's to blame for _Twilight_, but it's nothing so benign as male nerds unless Satan wears a pocket protector these days.

    • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/RWWCGXM2TOEBLU64VLDBBJ2K4Q Drake

      I got one for you: A sponge.

      Wait…

    • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/RWWCGXM2TOEBLU64VLDBBJ2K4Q Drake

      I got one for you: A sponge.

      Wait…

  • Dreammirror

    ugh this is gonna bring up painful memories but since no one else mentioned it, figured I would. I saw the happening when it was out-and ugh, was it a piece of crap. I had to go wiki up some info when I got back to get the full story on it. As far as I can relate it, this is the plot—Mother earth via plants…are upset at Mankind for treating the world so poorly (seriously) so they evolve and acting in concern, release a deadly wind-born toxin along the east coast that (and Im dead serious here) “disables the human gene that suppresses our naturally tendency to commit suicide”. Yes, you read that right. the wind blows this toxic that the plants produce whenever there are large concentrated groups of humans nearby and they are forced to kill themselves. As time goes by, the plants target smaller and smaller groups of people till about 36 hours after the initial attack, the plants turn off the toxins or something-basically saying “you guys need to stop fucking up with nature or we'll bone your asses”. The movie ends with a scene out of Europe -Germany or brussels or such-where the process is repeated to teach them a lesson too… I have NEVER seen a movie that was so blatinely preachy about envirnomental issues-not Ferngully, not Avatar, zip!
    Just thought you would like to know…

    • Anonymous

      OUR NATURAL TENDENCY TO COMMIT SUICIDE

      WHAT

      WHAT

      It’s been a while since I read something so fucking wrong. I need to lie down for a while.

  • http://www.facebook.com/themonsean Sean Keller

    I try not to associate with any Twilight fan witch is hard seeing as my mom is one…and I live in her house.

  • Ashenge

    Oh wow. Pretty epic shit.

  • MissAshley

    The whole “waiting for marriage” bit makes no sense to me other than as part of the supposed symbolism vampirism represents in the series. Really, in a world with freaking vampires and werewolves what makes sex before marriage something to avoid?

    I've yet to consume Twilight in any format, but from all the ramblings on both sides I've reached this conclusion:

    The people who find Twilight the most engaging don't know or understand love and/or romance, and cannot comprehend the actual effort involved in either.

  • http://twitter.com/Cubemario Peter Lucky

    Just wanted to let you know Spoony that Avatar The Last Airbender (the cartoon) really shouldn't be considered much of an anime. I myself am not big on anime and likely hold very similar views as you do with it. I was skeptical about this show when my brother got it on DVD and wanted me to watch it with him, he insisted it's great.

    As it turned out, it is great, this show has almost NOTHING in common with any anime I'm aware of. It to my knowledge doesn't even have any cliches normally found in that medium. It's also American made, not from Japan, which makes it even less of an anime. I think the only reason people say that is because it's art style is like Miyazaki's films. So seriously, give it a fair chance and check some of it out. It will surprise you.

  • http://onlyfivethemes.wordpress.com/ ScoreKeeper

    That really caught my attention about the Ebert review – he DEFINITELY knew what he was talking about. He understood what blatant disrespect was being paid the source material. I like to think that fed into his (honestly, almost unwarranted) half-star review. And he was right – that steampunky industrialized new-world flavor of the Fire Nation could have done WONDERS for this movie, rather than falling into the easy “MACHIEEEEEEEEEENES ARE BAD” shtick that the film pulled.

    I'm gonna go marathon Book One and cry now. And start working up a script of the movie as it should have been. I do believe it could have been done well.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/M5LF5YMVNLL65MO2W2ULYJPIXE S

    Yes Bella and Edward get very annoying… but if you want to get it you will just have to read the books bc just watching the movies doesn't really explain anything…

  • Jo_Orwell

    Stephenie Meyer, the whiter, she´s relly smart.
    She decided to create a book where in only one charecter, she would put all woman´s insecurities. Her goal was very simple. Make all women in the world identify whith the main charecter.
    So she reaches, mainly girls that dream to be polpular but isn´t ( the chubby one, with no friends, are sad and etc.)
    BUT, at the same, she´s able to reach the polpular ones, the pretty hot ones. Because they´re are very insecure too.
    And in Bella they can see the same insecurities. This type of girl is fully reached by Bella…
    Whit Bella, none of those insecurities matter, because, even tho, she´s wheird and has nothing special, she gets her prince charming, the guy that transforms all her insecurities, fears and her shitty life in something “good”.
    So, the book menssage is:
    “No matter what your insecurities and fears are. A prince charming will show up in your shitty life…”

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/V45N5PODPDUPHLKJZNQH35VXX4 Zachary

    Dude… you just did an hour rant about a Twilight movie. Think about it.

  • Ashenge

    Fix those typos! Fix em!

  • http://twitter.com/hinakiba777 Holly Pringle

    Edward likes music. In the first movie he plays the piano for Bella and shows her his HUGE music collection.

    • dennett316

      Yes, but does she? Or does she only like music because HE does? My guess is the latter.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/5IFMBDHSVAH6HRMMPOUKGGZHSQ Jules

    While watching the happening one of my buddies had this to say;

    “IT'S IN THE TREES!”

  • http://twitter.com/doggyhatefire Jeffrey Miller

    DJ Diddle, fucking lol, that's new to me

  • lowrider2

    Dr. Amy Burt at Georgia college and State University in Milledgeville, Georgia has done some seminars/open discussions about vampires as they are in modern culture, or rather, their prevalence. When you asked for a name, that one popped into my mind.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rsaylors Rohny Saylors

    man, they already did high humidity.. it was called 'the fog' and was infinity better than air bender… even the re-make was infinity better.

    Shamalamadingdong convinced me that these actors where standing on a green screen reading cue-cards.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Allison-Hanna/1460142119 Allison Hanna

    Spoony, from a woman's perspective, Pattinson looks like a hobo stoner with a unibrow. So no, he's not that attractive at all.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/CIIER7ZXE3WSO7RDE6JQSTWGIA samantha h

    You ask why Twilight, and not any other romance novel? Trashy romance novels aren't new, and this thing is one. Teen romance novels aren't new either. And although I don't read romance novels of either stripe (neither have I read Twilight) I do know teen romance novels do occasionally tackle issue of sex.

    But I think Twilight hits upon that fucking bizarre contradiction of American society, especially for women, so well. It's porn. Really. It's porn without any actual depiction of fucking. Again, not unusual. But there's the whole “chastity” thing and the whole “only have sex when you're married so let's get married OMG I NEED TO GET FUCKED. I MEAN MARRIED.”

    Women aren't supposed to want sex, and this is especially something teen girls struggle with. I mean, the bulk of society accepts that teen boys are going to be jerkin' it, a lot. But we don't really have the same conception about teen girls. But they are. Their lives are a hormone soup too. So the idea of two handsome (I'll just take the movie's word for it that Pattinson is handsome) dudes fighting over her, having metaphorical threesomes with her = HOT. But! He won't have sex with Bella until they're married, and sex is dangerous and ew! So it's not some skanky romance novel. I think that's a lot of the appeal.

    Of course, I doubt that's the only teen romance novel that does that. But, as others have mentioned, marketing and the stars were right. And, oddly enough, Twilight's popularity is what made it popular. A girl can read romance, AKA really, really soft-core porn, without actually reading a romance novel. She doesn't have to go into the romance or the sci-fi section and be considered “one of those people.” Because, let's face it, there's still a bit of stigma against people who read genre fiction.

  • http://twitter.com/hinakiba777 Holly Pringle

    The Vulturi were hoping the newborns would KILL the Cullens. That's one of the major plots of Breaking Dawn. Which I'm looking forward to see the film of. A vampire Baby popping itself out of Kristen Stewart's bell “Alien” style. It will be wicked.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/H6MVVPDLCZJG5AQC3RVXJ3AJU4 Aaron

    Edward and bella are blank canvases. These books are made for teens and the characters are easy for the reader to implant themselves into the character of bella or edward because they are empty vessels. It is genius really when you think about it. It is like a choose your own story novel, except you can't choose your own story, you are either bella or edward, depending on your sexuality.

    • dennett316

      I really don’t buy the ‘blank slate’ argument. I don’t know about anyone else, but I identify with the positive attributes a character has – bravery, strength, heroism etc. The character has to have something positive to identify with, you can’t possibly identify with a void. These characters are NOT blank slates, they are merely vapid, uninteresting and poorly written…they’re in love because the author says they are, while not providing any evidence of said fact.

  • Zandrous

    Honestly….I've not watched ANY of the movies since Twilight, which i was dragged to by my soon to be ex-wife and her mother. The first one was just absolutely pretentious. And from what I've read and heard so are the other two. The entire series in and of itself is contrived bullshit. I mean…I have ONE straight guy friend who says the books are great. Do I doubt him, no I dont. But honestly……I cant give them a chance. I refuse to. I mean the woman that wrote these books DESTROYED the mythos behind vampires and wearwolves. Its a fucking ass raping of storied history. All the way from romania to present day america. Its just bullshit. Almost EVERY fucking woman I know loves these movies. Very few arent fans or even not interested in these stupid movies or books. But I think, and I know it makes me look sexist, that this book does nothing but take women's own sexual desires and what they believe men should be and contorts it into this abomination of fantasy. I mean women aparently want a man who will do whatever she wants at the drop of a hat and then expect them to sit around with their thumbs up their ass as they go off with the fucking james dean wannabe and still pine after them like the woman is some kind of fucking idol. ITS BULLSHIT!! But women dont see this as sexist. OH NO!! ITS ROMANTIC!! Dont believe me? FUCKING FEMINISTS HATE THESE MOVIES AND BOOKS!!! If there was a movie made where a guy manipulated the women around him but yet was obsessed with this “goddess” of a woman and men ALL OVER THE FUCKING WORLD did nothing but talk about how great of a movie or series it was, women would call foul REAL fucking quick. Its a complete and utter double standard. I'm sorry, women have officially lost their right to fucking bitch and complain. This is it. This is the line. And they have FUCKING CROSSED IT!!! NO MORE FREEBIES!!! IF I HEAR ONE WOMAN COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HER BOYFRIEND WATCHES FUCKING PORN AND HOW IT MAKES HER FEEL I'M GONNA BITCH SLAP THEM INTO THE NEXT CENTURY AND SEND THOSE FUCKING BOOKS WITH THEM!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

    ……….I think I got that out of my system. At least until the next movie comes out. Or should I say movies………..fucking 4th book is being split into two movies………..i'm going for the fucking rope soon. Tie a noose and just get it prepped for the inevitable.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeremie-Caisse/100000114247204 Jeremie Caisse

    This sounds so sickeningly bad. As a mormon myself I look at her book with pride beecause of one simple reason: If that shit managed to get “popular”, well then, I should be able to do way better than she does.

  • KK_Libra

    Great review. You're probably one of the few people I would sit down and listen to rant about anything for an hour. And I agree with the person who said that your impression of Edward is just brilliant.

    I can tell you from a woman's prospective, a lot of us don't get the obsession either. Bella is a vapid, empty shell, and Edward really is not compelling or attractive in the least. And I say this as someone who did find Robert Pattinson attractive in Goblet of Fire. I don't know what those make-up artists did to him that made him so fucking unappealing to look at.

  • Princess Stabbity

    Dear god, I don't know why you force yourself to sit through this ongoing train wreck. I've only seen Twilight once. I forced myself to sit through it for research of a prank.. Suffice to say it took me a whole day to get through it. I had to pause it constantly and walk away quite often. Hell, it shames me that most of my gender and people in general are eating this crap up. It seems to either stem from some ludicrous idea wish fulfillment dream. Or maybe it's just because the majority of this audience is drinking the funny Kool-Aid.

    Honestly though I'm still not sure how anything of value is deemed from this series, movie or book. None of the leads are likable or have any common sense. The characters with a hint of potential or of interest are glossed over or pushed aside for more wanking. In the end I can take comfort only in the fact that this will be one of those forgotten fads and not some “Epic Saga” like they claim.

    That being said, if they can pull off the crap in Breaking Dawn in film? I will totally see it just to see it. lol.

    • Anonymous

      He obviously subjects himself to it for 2 reasons: Because it’s unintentionally funny, and because its entertaining to watch his vlog of it. I was actually wondering if he’d even watch this though considering how bad new moon is.

      • Princess Stabbity

        Yeah, of course those are the obvious reasons, lol. But to willingly do it each time.. The man has far more determination and drive than me. Gotta give Spoony the props and brownie points for that. That and sympathy. The things he does for his craft, lol.

      • Anonymous

        I’m amazed he was actually genuinely dissecting the movie and series in general. You’d think somebody like him would just ridicule it and move on to the next dumb-tastic piece of entertainment but no, it looks like he’s involved with this franchise. O_o

        • Anonymous

          Well, like he said, he knows its a piece of shit, but what he is dessecting
          about the movie is why it is so successful in the first place. Humanity will
          never know.

        • Anonymous

          Well, like he said, he knows its a piece of shit, but what he is dessecting
          about the movie is why it is so successful in the first place. Humanity will
          never know.

        • Anonymous

          It is no secret we are suffering through and economic crisis in this nation.
          But some places are more hard hit than others. Currently in the state of
          California, over 10 % of people are unemployed. These people have no source
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          society are getting at least 200,000 dollars in tax breaks. For more about
          this, read at http://www.edd.ca.gov/ and http://www.bls.gov/ (The U.S.
          Bureau of Labor)
          Send this Email to three other people to help do your part.


          Don’t know why I picked this picture, but its better than my last one.

      • Anonymous

        I’m amazed he was actually genuinely dissecting the movie and series in general. You’d think somebody like him would just ridicule it and move on to the next dumb-tastic piece of entertainment but no, it looks like he’s involved with this franchise. O_o

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andres-ZombieMan-Guzman/100001028660386 Andres ZombieMan Guzman

    Spoony for fucks sake!!! Do it!!!! You can figure this out!!! You SHOULD do a documentary about this !! I totally mean it!

    You know that people are going to be totally behind this!!! Look for people! go to Twilight forums, i don't know but it would be really amazing if you do a documentary about this!! I know that if somebody can do it is you!!

    Please people suport this idea!!!

  • http://twitter.com/linreads Lindsay

    Yeah, Avatar isn't an anime, not by several definitions. It's American that mimics the anime style… sort of.

    It's always looked to me like Western-stype animation with anime-inspired quirks and facial expressions. Avatar is inspired by Asian culture, but the storytelling doesn't resemble anime storytelling at all, nor does the dialogue or character archetypes. It's more inspired by Asian mysticism, culture and legend than it is anime with mechas and giant eyes and shit. It's my favourite cartoon of all time and it doesn't deserve the horrible movie it got. Please don't judge the cartoon based on the film, because I truly believe Avatar is one of the great American cartoons.

  • Ashenge

    Listen to this man. He speaks wise, relatable words.

    I'm pretty happy that Angry Joe gave it a chance and liked it. An even greater challenge would be to get Spoony to do the same. Because as much as I like Spoony… I'm willing to admit he's as stubborn as the baby who won't eat the food he's never tried.

  • neonfox3

    you have to watch and vlog the last airbender… the end.

  • AlarStormbringer

    Spoony, I really love your long vlogs of this sort. Being able to listen to you for an hour is always a pleasure.

    Let's get you and your brother doing one of these for The Last Airbender!

  • emichael

    On some level I can agree. However, there are so many other popular LDS authors that do not make books that are popular without making books that are so misogynistic and squick so as to be offensive. Authors like Brandon Sanderson, Orson Scott Card, Aprilynne Pike, and Howard Taylor. (OK the last one is a web-cartoonist, but you see my point.) In fact, I for one am a little ashamed that a member of my faith published something so contrary to the ideals of the faith.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeremie-Caisse/100000114247204 Jeremie Caisse

      You’re right and it sickens me because this is such a waste of creativity by many of these authors in so many levels. Human imagination and such has much more potential than just throw such rubbish at the public but what ticks me off the most is that, just like Spoony keeps pointing out, there’s people that loves garbage such as Twilight which had incredible potential but get thrown out of the window with pathetic dialogue. The book of mormon of the religion has a lot of action for a religious book and it surpasses Twilighty in EVERY SINGLE SCENE in entertainment somehow! It cracks me up to realize such a thing.

      I don’t know, my book has to do with a human and his adventures with his harpy friend as they travel a new world after everything went bad and they both work together because they share a common goal.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/CQSWQNENFOXZSSZUVBXOGVZVOA jayden

    Hey Spoony, the reason why people buy into the whole Bella/Edward relationship, is because they are so hallow and void of personality, that it allows people to project themselves and their fantasies into these characters.

  • Akasen

    Adding this little fact here. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart HATE their roles and the books. The ONLY thing that keeps them in these movies is the money (I think).

  • TheFinalFan

    My name is TheFinalFan, and I am probably the only straight male Twilight fan in all of Western North Carolina.
    Just putting that out.
    Anyways, I have several things to point out, so bear with me. Just reminding you, I am not some rabid fangirl. I am a guy. I know where you're coming from. So here's what I've noticed:
    1. Yes, this wasn't as funny as New Moon.
    2. I do realize that there is no Twilight in Twilight, no New Moon in New Moon, no Eclipse in Eclipse, and no Breaking Dawn in Breaking Dawn. But, if you listen closely, each title of the book/movie is spoken by a character at some point. Mrs. Meyers manages to cleverly work the title into the dialogue.
    3. The blonde female of the Cullen family is Rosalie. Not meaning to be nit-picky, but I am somewhat OCD.
    4. You're right. There really isn't any reason for any love. They really don't have that much in common.
    5. My theory is that Edward is mainly attracted to Bella due to her scent, which, if she became a vampire, wouldn't exist anymore due to her hormones no longer working or something, so “his personal brand of heroin” would be gone. It's just a theory. Also, it's explained in Eclipse that being a “newborn” vampire might not end up so well, because Bella will lose all of her self-control and turn into a monster, and Edward, going through that personally, doesn't want that.
    6. Jacob does seem stalkerish. And I think it also might be Bella's scent driving him mad.
    7. I agree with Nadanesca that Bella seems to have the Master Chief effect: She's a placeholder that allows a girl to insert herself into the story in Bella's place. Obviously, this doesn't work for guys, so that's why we trash it so much.
    8. There is still some cloud cover that is protecting Edward. The film crew probably wanted a bit more natural lighting, so we have the maximum amount possible for Edward to not sparkle.
    9. Charlie is un-f**king-believable!
    10. Alice's purpose is to create more room for the romance. She does that to the letter.
    11. How did Jasper get to be a Major in the Confederate Army again?
    12. And why doesn't he have any weapons? At all? (Hint: The reason starts with “S” and ends in “tephanie Meyer”)
    13. Quick, Edward! Put Bella in the secret underground bunker!
    14. That Spoony werewolf!
    15. It does look like they hate each other, but, ironically, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner are BFFs in real life. Or at least, it appears like that…
    16. Stupid bloodless bloodsuckers! Wait…what?
    17. See Cinema Snob's reviews. They are really good.
    18. Could you do the Marky Mark impression again? I've seen The Happening. CURSE YOU, WIND!!!
    19. Avatar: The Last Airbender isn't really an anime. It just has a lot of anime, generally Asian, influences.
    20. FYI, Breaking Dawn is being split into two parts.
    21. David Cronenburg FTW!!!
    22. I consider myself part of the very, VERY small middle ground.
    23. I would love to see that documentary, when it comes out.
    And that's it. That's all I'm addressing.
    And I'll give Twilight 20 years.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mason-Ferrie/100000081272685 Mason Ferrie

    Breaking Dawn is going to be 2 movies…..part 1 and 2…..Harry Potter? That is weird….But i know one……The Goldfish Crackers coming to life and killing people…..yeah….i went there…

  • http://koolthingzzz.blogspot.com Thom_Not_Tom

    Props on complimenting Anna Kendrick. If you haven’t already, see Rocket Science (her breakthrough film). It’s a great movie, and she’s FANTASTIC in it.

  • GeneralPengwin

    Just throwing it out there, but, Last Air Bender isn't an anime. It's actually an American made cartoon. It's really good all things considered. I mean it wasn't awe inspiring, but it's an enjoyable waste of time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lucek-Chuck/100000576199993 Lucek Chuck

    the villain in bogyman.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Mrsuperduck Michael Conner

    Spoony, I really think you are trying to give the Twilight series too much credit. You're looking for something that just isn't there. It will never be explained.

  • Eniliad

    Actually, even though I'm a guy and really can't totally relate to your point of view all the way, I have to say, I thought your viewpoint into the movie's premise was very interesting, and probably accurate. However, like Spoony, I contend that such a premise does not *have* to be bad. There are so many ways the existing story could have been done better in the theater and made for a movie that even I would find watchable. Actually, I could say the same to Stephanie Meyer and her writing skills for the novels. I have read some of Twilight and its sequels. I've read poorly written books, cliches that make me roll my eyes, etc. Her writing is BAD. Both the director of the films and author of the books should really have editors if they don't and different/more editors if they do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/cjbazin Chantel Josephin Heart Bazin

    the ability of progection is a big one. as for balle bell is the worlds largest clutz to the point its a plot point that she can't dance even enough a school dance were all you really have to do is bob your head. so dancing balle probably didn't not last long.

    as for the buy in even my most devoded friends gave up on this book or cursed the existance of the last book. becasue i think people were waiting for that twist and not just a happy ending we keep getting.

    i know where not suppose to point to the books but i half to. agin my friends were 1/2 ready waiting for the promised 5th book witch was the first book from edwards point of view. why is this becasue accorring to the auther the books are written to the limit of a teen age girls mind. and sadly intrest do tend to get tossed out other then guys for some of them. so that just getting the boy is a valid intrest. most grow out of this and i think thats what people were looking for (her growing up) and when they didnt get it they were not happy. the last book was suppose to be edward and was suppose to see these things from a more adult point of view. intrest that belle mind doesnt deem important and everything else your looking for.

    lastly this is a little more tolerable in the books. why? because your in belle's pov 90% of the time and the time jumps are obivous you feel like your reading a journal of a love sick girl whos just not writting anything else. in the moves were forced out to the god eye view and this no longer works because we are never put into that mind set solidly.

    personaly halaquine is above where this book has grown from. this a long story that would be found on livejournal or even in the older days of quizilla. this story fits in perfect with them and this one just got puplished. and the readish this is aimed at is the same readership that clings to these online orginals. the problem with this is there an off shot of fan fiction charaters that were written for the author doesnt have to it and for the most part cant. witch would explain why it takes till book/movie 3 to get any charater backing.

  • Booloo

    The Sun. Yeah you heard me The Sun it uses concentrated beams of light to chase people. There can be only one, this is the stupidest villan and you know it.

  • Zeikfried

    I haven't seen or read any of the Twilight material, so take this all with a grain of salt…but I can guess why it's so popular. You point out that the characters are bland and have no personality as a flaw. For the fans, it's not a flaw, it's a bonus. As long as the characters are completely bland and have no personalities, the readers can imagine their own. Jo Orwell made a good point: Bella is the average, everyday girl with nothing special about her…that the readers can imagine themselves as. Edward is the hot guy totally devoted to her. What interests does he have? We don't know…so there's nothing saying that he doesn't love the same things that the readers love! I can almost promise you that if Bella and Edward were given more concrete personalities and genuine interests and such, her readership would actually go down. The girls reading this can imagine themselves as the ordinary girl that manages to secure the hot guy who is totally devoted to her and will never leave her and always provide for her.

    And the fact that he's a vampire (a glittery, sparkly one, no less!) is probably what cinches it over any number of other trashy romance novels. It means he'll never turn into a middle-aged guy with thinning hair and love handles and problems getting an erection, sitting on the couch with his pit-stained T-shirt with a beer in hand, watching football. He'll always be young and pretty, and he can make her always young and pretty, so she'll never have to worry about menopause and sagging tits and greying hair and wrinkles. They can be young and pretty together forever.

    Yes, it's completely vapid. It's basically a masturbation fantasy. But that's also why girls like it. Like Samantha H points out, it's basically porn for girls that they can read without being viewed as skanks. Trying to figure out why girls would like something with so little cinematic or literary value is like trying to figure out why guys would watch late-night Cinemax or read Playboy despite a lack of cinematic or literary value.

    “But!” I hear many of you saying. “The Twilight series seems to be genuinely viewed by its fanbase as romance, whereas Cinemax and Playboy are clearly just porn!” True…but I think what we have here is something mentioned in the review happening in real life. Spoony mentioned that this series would be much better if it was about the characters mistaking their youthful lust and high-school crush as genuine love and devotion, rather than it being sold as genuine true love. I think that's part of what's happening with the fanbase: they're mistaking “lust” for “love.” And, since the characters are so bland, they imagine Edward or Jacob as people they actually *can* love, instead of just pieces of meat.

    But I'm basing this off of observations of other fandoms, as opposed to reading the books and watching the movies myself and then interviewing fans about what they like, so it's entirely possible that my whole theory is completely wrong and stupid. Take from it what you will.

  • Eniliad

    This may be a surprise to you, but generally speaking, movie versions of books should be able to at least explain the basic plot. How would you feel if, in Lord of the Rings, they just skipped the Council of Elrond and any expository scene regarding Mordor, the Ring, and the Nazgul. In the universe where this movie exists, while you watch the movie, if you haven't seen the book you're going to be pretty damn confused. Fans would say you need to read the book to understand it (hell, I still insist that if you want a full understanding of LotR's universe you need to read at least the LotR series, and if you care enough, the Silmarillion.) I ask you: For either LotR, or the Twilight movies in the real universe, is it really acceptable to keep your viewers in the dark and confused like this? (Here's a hint: The Lord of the Rings movies DID do a respectable job of explaining the plot, and it's considered the greatest fantasy trilogy of movies this decade, while anyone who's not a diehard fan appears to hate Twilight, books and movies.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Purdy/100001228513207 Chris Purdy

    I'm guessing the use of the word “saga” bugs you because a saga is a story of heroic deeds, and like you said there's nobody even remotely heroic in the Twilight universe.

    Seriously tho, don't try looking for depth in Twilight. It's porn for women. The entire point of its popularity is that Edward is a surrogate for the perfect man, and that Bella is a reader surrogate. You observed yourself that their personalities are practically non-existent, which is the point; the better for readers to project their fantasies onto, and to complete the mental picture. (And yes, there kind of is a double standard, but stop and imagine what the reaction would be if the series were gender-flipped; the author would be crucified by the feminists.)

    It's kind of funny, the deconstruction you mentioned in your rant around the 9-minute mark actually comes up in the Dresden Files novels, a series that blows Twilight out of the damn water. If you're into the genre, I definitely recommend it; it's a combination of detective novel and urban fantasy, with a hero who's clever and snarky. There was a Sci-Fi TV series based off of it, but it wasn't quite as good as the novels.

    Also, it's good to know someone else paces when they have a lot to think about. I do it too, and everyone I know (family, girlfriend, co-workers) says I look like a mental patient when I do it. It just helps me think, you know?

    How about mushrooms? Would mushrooms be a stupider movie monster than the wind? Or maybe head lice.

    Yes, Breaking Dawn is going to be fucking hilarious. So many little girls are going to be traumatized by the birth scene that it might actually cause a population depression. In all fairness, I understand that even the fans hate this one. Which, considering we're talking about Twilight, is saying a fucking lot.

    Speaking of, if you haven't already heard of her, you definitely need to look up Cleolinda Jones. She's witty and snarky and loves sporking Twilight. Her summaries are a thing of glory.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/F74MD7JZ7TERZCWCHEASWTOIJU rageofkyubii

    I jusrt went to the Twlight Wiki to look up “imprinting”(because I couldn't find a decent explination on it anywhere else).

    That's….that's just wrong.

  • http://twitter.com/Das_Bass Matt DiPasquale

    Spoony I know what the have in common! They're both shallow, boring, emo teenagers with high school drama problems and have the personalty of mud! Also both are ugly, stupid selfish people. Bella is a succubus since she feeds on the souls of shallow men like Jacob with her “good looks” BUT she is sadistic since she just likes breaking them. My ex is more evil then Bella. Other then her I can't think of anybody more evil…

  • http://www.facebook.com/MadOvid Jesse Astle

    I don't know. It has the eyes and even does the whole chibi thing once in a while. In my book its anime.

  • Jacen

    How about trying to outrun your cold breath?

    Also, just watch an episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender. You will be laughing at least 10 times in a episode but in the movie…it is crap, humorless, dull, rushed, sucking the life out of you. I mean Uwe Boll makes bad movies, but at least it's funny. M Night's latest movie is…terrible. Horribafuckus

  • Lucy

    There's a big theory among the fan-haters that because Jacob was almost a likable character in 'New Moon' (at least compared to Edward) that SMeyer derailed him into Rapist!Jacob. Can't have a sympathetic character getting in the way of the Epic Love of the Twilight Saga.

    And you're completely right about both the movies and the books. In all honesty, and I say this as someone who followed Cleolinda's extensive lampooning of the series (which you must google if you haven't read her stuff, hilarious and insightful), the books are WORSE than the movies. I promise you, the books actually manage to be worst on all counts. In the movies, it does sometimes seems like the directors and screenwriters have been trying to fix some of the issues of the books.

    And you know, the movie as you describe it still sound better than that fucking book. GOD, that one was so boring, even on the lulz factor.

  • http://www.facebook.com/cjbazin Chantel Josephin Heart Bazin

    also avitar is an american cartoon not anime.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dreaded-Candiru/100000970188298 Dreaded Candiru

    Regarding Robert Pattinson's acting: according to what I've read, he apparently signed up for these movies without knowing anything about Twilight, just because he wanted to flirt with Kristen Stewart. By the time he actually sat down, read the books and realized they were utter dogshit, it was too late to get out of the contract he signed, so he supposedly decided to play his character as the creepy possessive asshole that he is. Also, it seems that he never misses a chance to openly, publicly bash the books, the movies, the author, and the fans, which I guess I have to give him credit for.

    On a related note: I haven't seen any of the movies without the Rifftrax, but I might actually pay to see the fourth one in the theater. I hope they get David Cronenberg to direct it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/manuel.khoshaba Manuel Khoshaba

    why is called the twilight saga. don't saga's come in 6 films or 6 books, theres 4 books and theres going to be 5 movies or am I just wrong with the whole 6 parts

  • http://www.facebook.com/MadOvid Jesse Astle

    It sounds like Eclipse is at the very least somewhat entertaining. There are a according to your review one or two scenes where interesting stuff happens. Even if those scenes are few and far between and never developed properly. The only Twilight movie I have scene so far is the first one and I have to tell you, speaking as a fan of M Night Shyamalan and all of his work (even The Happening and yes I know wind is a stupid villain), Twilight as more interesting well developed characters and plot than the horse shit that is The Last Airbender.

    And you know what the problem is? It isn't that it was a bad movie. I would tolerate a merely bad movie. If Jerry Bruckheimer or Michael Bay made this into on of there monstrosities I would have preferred it to Shyamalan's college try. Because the problem with this movie is that it isn't fun. It's a movie, for children, and it's devoid of fun. At least a Michael Bay Avatar would have had some decent action and special effects. Even a bad movie can be fun if it gets some of it right, or if at least you can laugh at it.

    If you want to give the cartoon a shot, it's actually not bad. Not as huge a fan of the show as some people, but there are some excellent stand alone episodes. I think I suggested The Cave of Two Lovers and The Puppetmaster to Angry Joe. At least you can get an idea of why people are so pissed of at this… thing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Florian-Lang/100000470313148 Florian Lang

    “Saga” was the name for the old Viking tales of heroism and great deeds. It has nothing to do with the number of parts in a story.

    It also has nothing to do with romance and vampires. This is not a saga, it is an atrocity.

  • http://www.youtube.com/egxtra John K. Spencer

    You and me both, friend. It boggles the mind how, out of the many more deserving super-natural/romance novels out there (I said it once, and I'll say it again: READ “THE SILVER KISS” BY ANNETTE CURTIS KLAUSE! Or if werewolves are your thing, READ “BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE” BY THE SAME AUTHOR!), this particular series happened to catch on and make it big.
    The very thought of it is insulting, really, but I stopped caring about this so-called “phenomenom” a long time ago. I've already gotten my answers. Now, I'm just waiting to see which television network folds and tries to broadcast this mess. Now, THAT'S something to look forward to.
    Oh, believe it or not, there's actually a FIFTH book to this series.
    (Brace yourself…)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eric-Mc/100000152293904 Eric Mc

    Poor Spoony he doesn't realize the point of the series.

    Its starts as series objectifying women and then it turns into female sexual fantasy, were Bella becomes the insensitive dushe that manipulates the two guys. She becomes those guys that prey on girls insecurities and manipulates them so she can fuck them and discard them. Women rarely do this so women are living out this power fantasy through Bella.

  • http://twitter.com/Chronai Beau Watson

    Alright Spoony, epic villain: ELEVATION! Oh yeah, elevation. Trying to escape being above sea level. I see Shyamalan making a movie about that. He'd title it something along the lines of..Afraid of Heights.

  • http://www.facebook.com/derek.j.magee Derek James Magee

    I don't understand why they even try with these movies. It could be a film that some kids filmed in their backyard with a 12 dollar budget and it would still probably make 6 million dollars on opening weekend. It's not a good movie and it's a worse story and yet it makes an unreasonable amount of money, so why even bother trying to portray it even remotely artistically? It could be pure profit if only they put as much effort into filming it as Stephanie Meyer put into writing it.

  • http://twitter.com/Chronai Beau Watson

    Sorry for the double post, but I look back and see how badly Shaquille O' Neal was as an actor, like in Kazaam.

  • ilikethismorethanlinkara

    Well, on the subject of Bella being the most evil character in history, you make many good points, but I've come up with 2 who may be able to challenge her:
    Chad from “In the Company of Men”, just like Bella, manipulates people for no other purpose than to make them miserable, and he just states he does it “Because {He} could”. Not sure if you've ever seen that.
    Eric Cartman, from South Park, also manipulates people for his own amusement and his own gain, has killed like 4 people (including in the infamous episode “Scott Tenorman Must Die”), attempted genocide (twice!), horrifically abuses everyone around him regardless of how nice they are to him (especially his mom and Butters), he's the most anti-semetic character in the history of television, and hes not even 10 yet. True, he may not be as evil as Bella due to him actually thinking that jews are evil and that he's good, but give him some time, he's got like 8 years left (well, he'll never age obviously, but hes 9 and Bellas like 17).

  • http://www.facebook.com/AdmittingSword Ryan Pendergrast

    I've got it. Bella is the ideal of a Tabula Rasa, a blank slate. She has nothing to her. Nothing to make her more relative to one person than another. This makes her the ideal thing to project the ego of a teenage fan onto. It's rather genius really. It is like an Ad Lib. The girls can make up their own story as to why Edward is perfect intertwining with the story and they actually believe the fantasy is the story, which makes them love it

    • Anonymous

      either that or this generation of young teenage girls are so vapid and blank that they actually identify with Bella on so many levels its not even funny.

  • JenxRodwell

    Wait am I the only one who caught this? “I should be doing Mazes and Monsters”, right in the end of the video. Does this mean we'll actually get a video review of this movie? :D Oh god please let it be so!

  • http://twitter.com/linreads Lindsay

    I guess it depends on your definition of “anime.” For me it's not anime if it wasn't made in Japan. Western cartoons are becoming more and more influenced by Japanese animation and a lot of shows are mixing styles or copying it, so it's almost like they need their own category. Avatar also doesn't follow anime-style storytelling, anime-style dialogue or indulge in anime-style cliches. To me, it just feels like it's a whole different genre.

    Like I said, depends on how you define “anime.”

    • Anonymous

      I’ve always considered it a art style rather than something dependant on location. I mean, is rock and roll only rock and roll if it was made in America? Is Eric Clapton not playing blues because he’s not black?

      I would agree that in many ways the story is different from a anime. But I would argue that is something separate from the art style, especially since one of the draws of anime is the breadth of story it inhabits. But like you said I guess it depends on how you define anime.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brian-Jesse/27708921 Brian Jesse

    Avatar: The last airbender TV show….. not Anime (like, at all) created and written by two white guys. It does have a few anime-style animation tropes… but we're talking less than 10%.
    Nothing about the story or characters fits the Anime mold.

    Borrow the first disc from someone, watch those four episodes with an open mind, and I promise you will be a believer.
    Avatar is probably the best animated series in the past 20 years. (if not, it's definitely top 5)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brian-Jesse/27708921 Brian Jesse

    Avatar: The last airbender TV show….. not Anime (like, at all) created and written by two white guys. It does have a few anime-style animation tropes… but we're talking less than 10%.
    Nothing about the story or characters fits the Anime mold.

    Borrow the first disc from someone, watch those four episodes with an open mind, and I promise you will be a believer.
    Avatar is probably the best animated series in the past 20 years. (if not, it's definitely top 5)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Daniyal-Siddiqui/100000322291717 Daniyal Siddiqui

    as the 500th person to tell you

    Avatar is not an “anime” while it is an animation, it's just Japanese styled.

    but whatever.

  • andrewjoshuatalon

    Well Spoony, if you need an anthropologist's viewpoint on the Twilight Phenomena, I might be helpful. I'm still an undergrad but I have done some papers on cultural influences of literature and cultural tropes, as well as dabbling a little into feminist theory but I personally think most of it is bullshit, for little use aside from writing more academic papers. And I have a brother who is going into an English majors program-Admittedly his focus is on Emily Dickinson but he's done a fair amount of literary study and analysis.

  • unclewoodstock

    Like you said at the beginning, with Twilight fans calling you out by saying things like “you like wrestling”, all these films, games, music and any other form of entertainment media come down to nothing more then personal opinion. HOWEVER, what for me as made Twilight so unbearable is the agonising fans that will defend the films and books and refuse to admit any flaw about them.To be fair though, all things with a fanbase will have these kinds of narrow minded stubborn fans that think something is far superior to anything else then it actually is.

    In short, I would not be nearly as bothered by Twilight if it wasnt for the head strong fans insisting to me that its better then anything I ever liked

  • CRazyPAntsMan

    They both like being quiet pale moody and bland

  • Zeikfried

    I'll also add my voice to the “Avatar: The Last Airbender is a good show” crowd. Thing to keep in mind is, it gets better as it goes on. It starts out very much as a kid's show, with a lot of obvious kid's show elements (each episode has a moral, you can tell when they decide to have Aang – the lead character – fly around just because that's his gimmick, etc.) but it actually develops into an excellent series, with a lot of moral complexity and character depth. And when I say “moral complexity and character depth,” I don't mean “complex and deep *for a kid's show.*” I mean there is a degree of complexity and depth that not much else in recent media has achieved.

    Also, it has Toph, who is one of the greatest characters ever and the epitome of manly awesomeness. And Toph is a 12-year-old girl.

    I won't pretend that it's flawless or so totally brilliant that it will change your life or the greatest thing ever to be on television or anything of the sort. But Avatar: The Last Airbender is genuinely quality material, especially as it goes on.

  • http://twitter.com/KatKaleen KatKaleen

    If that last movie comes to be, it's the one in the series I'm gonna watch. A friend who read the books told me the story, including the fact that this “epic battle” is dull – even in the book – and all that weird shit going on in the end. And you're absolutely right, I have to see how they pull that off.

    Just one more thing, Spoony: Please don't judge the Avatar TV show based on the movie. Please don't.
    It's a kids show and as such it's really, really good. It's funny, often silly, has nice action scenes and likeable characters.
    It's not quite as good as Batman the animated series (that's hard to top, anyway), but it's truly enjoyable and doesn't talk down to its audience as other kids shows do.
    (And, no, I don't call it “The Last Airbender”. The TV show is called Avatar in my country. And I don't care about the “other” Avatar movie)

  • Ticklishsocks

    If you were a monster which is despised by most of humanity, either a sparkling weird vampire rip off, or a werewolf with allergies towards T-shirts, too bland that no one would even bother to look at you, wouldn't you be grateful for the first chick to get a girl-boner at the sheer sight of you?
    Granted, she's boring, butt-ugly and annoying, but so are Edward and Jacob.
    You know, they can't really have common traits, other than being pretentious and boring, because that's all they are.
    They have no characteristics. Jacob, Bella and Edward are basically the same cut-out character, painted in three different colors: Boring fakepire, boring wolfman and boring bitch.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mike-Hemman/100001137548083 Mike Hemman

    Someone once credited the author of Twilight as being the greatest literary troll in history… honestly, when you said that Bella was just fucking with everyone, I realized how true that statement could be.

  • Gjkl345

    M Night Shamsies does not equivelate this series.

    At best, the cartoon thats not an anime as I'm sure your viewers have corrected you on, is fantastic. The characters don't fall into cliches other animes or kid-friendly shows do because they fall into their own trope, carrying out a phenominal job with this interesting oriental styled blend. I'll tell you this now, its NOT japanese whatsoever until you meet a tiny region that has early Japanese remnants that literally seperated their landmass from this giant analogy of China during the ruling of the first emperor of China. It has development far superior to regular cartoons because it aims to be fun, it aims to be diagnostic on social situations when it needs to, it has in-depth characters that you will feel emotional connections to by the end of this. It also adds in the element of responsibility and war that grips you in a way so uncommon to the world of kids television nowadays. People are suffering because the fire nation's ambitious militant leader's will keep expanding and their wide-spread cataclysmic destruction is seen throughout the various colonies to massive countries. Like the story of prison encampments of POWs, Earth nation refugees, the cultural diffusion and prejuduice between these warring nations. I tell you this, though Mako has been in bad movies *cough cough Conan the Destroyer Cough Cough Cough* his performance as Uncle Iroh was simply magical. Which made his death all the more heart-wrenching because this was his last participation in anything relating to cinema, which the movie could not even muster for obvious reasons. Again, if the magnum opus of Avatar the Last Airbender could be summed up in the animation as being innovative to the cartoon industry, M. Night's movie was a mere interpretation of what HE saw from the final product and never more then that. Though one could say the generalization is there since its a movie that sums up the animated seasons, it isn't. It actually trivializes a underdogish show, that really had my lowest expectations as if it was trying to copy anime in a sense. But I was dead wrong, and I love it eachday it proved me wrong.

    As for character development, their are some extroadinarily hilarious personas there that are funny when they don't try to be… Like Sokka whom basically the entire show, I think, goes completely against him in the first run. And its just hilarious to see these comedic reactions blended in with nice touches of natural humor. Like when the group needed more money in their sac-wallet, so as the self-proclaimed, manhooded leader of the pack, he takes it upon himself to help fish with an old man when the old man's wife explained how her senile bones were shaking meaning a implausible storm is coming up. What happens? A storm! Ofcoarse this one storyline had almost several background stories melded with the storm's occurence, but it just shows that bad luck and him run together like mop-water and clutsy Steve Urkles. Or how his skepticism is basically almost everywhere unfounded because of the mysticism always proves him wrong. Which turns him into a cynic at times, often being proven wrong by the spiritual sleements surrounding him with leagues of followers that hound after theology like bacon bits to a dog, like in that one episode of the Fortune Teller.

  • TheRetroFox

    Having watched Noah's reviews of the Twilight Saga, I think I've figured it out.

    That “love” between Bella, Edward, and Jacob isn't love. It's far more basic and potentially far more evil. Bella sees Edward and Jacob for what they basically are: Immortal, forever young boy toys. She's a horny teenage girl who meets a vampire (as defined by Meyer) and, once realizing she can become a vampire herself and can potentially have this glittering beautiful man for eternity, she jumped on it.

    Somehow this pasty white girl from Forks managed to manipulate Edward Cullen and Jacob to do anything she wants by dangling the false hope of a fulfilling relationship (and sex) in front of them. And when robbed of her chance at immortality and eternal youth and eternal hot pasty glittery white boy sex, she self-destructs. It wasn't because she “loved” Edward. No, it was because without Edward, she would grow old and die. She literally “couldn't live (forever) without him.” And to a teenager, is there any worse fate?

    She's using Jacob to make Edward jealous, hoping in his jealousy and his lust and his desire that he does grant her the immortality she desires, even if it means people die.

    But like most people don't see the evil in Ferris Beuller, the intended audience for Twilight can't see Bella for what she is. They see Edward, an outcast from the normal world, cursed with immortality and bloodlust, fall in love with a mortal girl who he doesn't want to suffer as he has. They see Bella caught in this hopeless relationship, see their mutual desire, that whole forbidden romance thing.. and eat it up. Throw in a “love triangle” and it's a hit.

    Edward may honestly love and desire Bella, but to her, Edward is a means to an end. And while there are many vampiric fish in the sea, she wants this one even if she has to break his heart and the hearts of every man around her to do it.

    …now that I think about it, maybe the fans do notice this and love it. Who knows? Food for thought. :3

  • m_s0

    Damn, that ending with the whole need to deconstruct sounds almost like an Insano origin story. If you cackled at the end, it would've been perfect. As for the riffability, I still have my hopes high. We're not talking amateurs here, no offense Spoony.

  • m_s0

    He was talking about it on twitter and in his previous vlog (check his blip or twitter for the link, it's NOT posted on the site) so you're kinda late to the party ;)

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, well I don’t follow twitter or blip, so it’s not that surprising.

  • http://twitter.com/muffinlady18 Kelly McCornack

    your edward cullen was spot on.

    hahaha

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Deadpolar-Bear/100000552197954 Deadpolar Bear

    If you're going to see “The Last Airbender,” do yourself a favor and watch the series instead. It's 100x more entertaining than that putrid waste of time.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/JOFLG5KIH6OPOQRURGBHKVF6BU yahoo-JOFLG5KIH6OPOQRURGBHKVF6BU

    I don't think there is an answer. I think its a logic all of its own. Besides, I'm not too confident a bunch of scholars will come up with anything useful. I had a college professor in film, and in his opinion, Showgirls is a GREAT movie?!??!? Don't loose too much of your mind searching for your answer Spoony.

    P.S. Its nice of you reenact female masturbation; much more different then I recall.

  • Strelnikov

    Nice Hungarian “2001″ poster in the background there Spoony….it's nice to see somebody willing to do a “2001″ poster and not use the “PSA shuttle launching from the space station” drawing.

  • SethTheXenocide

    Oh, I'm totally in on the movie deal. English Undergrad, about to start English graduate school, aiming for PhD. You want someone who'll put himself through the hell of reading those books and giving them a real literary analysis, I'll do it. If you want someone with ACTUAL credentials *cough*, I could pull some contacts and see if there's any Literature experts who'd be willing to examine these abominations or even give comment to them.

    My field of study is Southern Fiction and Modernism, so I might not be your choice.

  • Khan_FurSainty

    Well, the whole thing around Twillight is that it represents the women's live. It's actually a psychological portret of their vision on the world. From the “No one understands me!”, to the “i have found the only one who understands me and i am his and he is mine and mine alone for he understands me and me alone.”, to the “I love the one who understands me, but i can have such great sex with the other, he turns me on so mcuh more, i want to have them both, i must be happy with them both I must be happy!”, to the “I am nothing withount the only one who understands me.”, to the “I will do everything for the one who understands me, but i can't stand to be alone, i need the people aroind me, without people around me i have nothing else to do, people are my interests.”, to the “Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends?”, to the “He will do everythong for me! I don't have to do anything for he loves me! I can just relax and have the fun i deserve!”, to the “He is the perfect man, who makes everything like i see is right and will be tottaly jealous if i am with someone else because he loves me, and only me, me, ME!!!”, to the “He loves me so much, that he feels pain without me!”, to the “What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!”, to the “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you!”, to the “I feel horrible pain, there for i must feel real, true, pure love!”, to the “The best sex is the most savage and beast like kind.”, to the “The baby destroys me!”, to the “I have everything a hyave at the end for i deserve it by default.”. They are, simply put, the evil version of man. Well, not all, of corse, but a too big part of them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Omnikus-Schlotter/100000373849732 Omnikus Schlotter

    I cannot believe the first Cronenberg movie you mentioned wasn't The Fly. It's a masterpiece. Jeff Goldblum was never more awesome.

  • skyisbored94

    ok being a former twihard as they say i feel i can answer this the reason for the attraction the character detail is so bad and so… almost nonexcistent that you basically insert your self into the book and you insert the guy you want to be with as edward and jacob is pretty detailed so you just have a bonus hunky guy so the intrests are yours. so basically your minds eye is rounding out the story. so its kinda like a rpg i mean it deals with every thing that you are concerned about as a teenager sex, some one careing about you other than your parent/gardian, the fear of death. the writing is terrible but sort of ingenios if you think about it in the way that its been able to hypnaties insecure women and men. ( before any thing is said im dislexic and my spellcheck is down. plus im 15XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mike-Miller/1361672619 Mike Miller

    DUDE, I HAVE THE SAME T-SHIRT AS YOU!!!

    Does it have a bigger picture of John Cleese on the back? Yep that's the one, I fuckin' love that shirt!

  • Azraille

    Honestly I have come to the same conclusion that you have about the Twilight Debacle. I have not seen or read any of it but by now just from what people are saying you can pretty much get the drift of the whole thing. Every time I just find myself asking Why? Just why? Maybe chicks really do like creepy stalker guys. If that is the case then I've got that wrong my whole life. I've always felt that just looking at the cover of the books/movies you could tell that just about every one of those characters were absolute tools but then what do I know. Again but why? I can understand Harry Potter or stuff like the DaVinci Code and the buzz that they created, but this one has always escaped my mind. Hopefully it will just be remembered as a temporary lapse in judgement or something.
    As for Avatar, my brother took me to see it and the thing that got me was the absolutely terrible dialog between characters. I can get over the fact that the 'Avatar' is like 13 years old, but come on! I must admit that I don't follow the TV series so I really have nothing to go on but just the conversations and interaction between the characters always seemed to be a constant source of ridicule aimed seemingly at the audience. Based off of a children's cartoon I can understand a little simplification of the conversations but it always seemed to me at least to be treating you as if you were afflicted with down syndrome. Characters would needlessly repeat the same lines that another character had just given, for no point that I could deduce and it threw me off of the movie as an immersive experience. Watching a movie with a voice in the back of your head going, 'why are you talking to me like I have no idea of what you are talking about, I know English thank you' kinda kills the mood. I believe this movie had potential, and lucky for us he has another 2 tries it seems. But Strike 1 for that one. I look forward to your view. oh and enjoy the wall o' text

  • Darkweaver

    Even Stephen King said Twilight is crap

    • Anonymous

      Debate is now over.

  • VicOut

    Why girls love the twilight saga? That's the easiest question. Cardboard cutout female protagonist with two “Hunky man meats”. Woman put themselves into the character, that's why men don't understand.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sam-Price/1128549910 Sam Price

      given most women are cardboard cut outs I’d say Twilight’s a documentary

    • Anonymous

      Well, I think what spoonies trying to say is that you actually NEED character in a movie. Probably not as much in a book, but I;ve never read those. Plus, she’s not just a sort of a blank placeholder for whoever is watching/reading (I imagine your saying that its like similar to a video game, like Gordon Freeman in Half Life, where you fill in yourself in their position), she’s a horrible selfish women only concerned with her self.

      • Anonymous

        How would that not be EXACTLY like Gordon Freeman? You play the character but you don’t make the decisions, the story pushes you along. Saving the world or being a heartless bitch, it’s still a character made to roleplay.

      • Anonymous

        How would that not be EXACTLY like Gordon Freeman? You play the character but you don’t make the decisions, the story pushes you along. Saving the world or being a heartless bitch, it’s still a character made to roleplay.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/EINBAPPCAEOHMXJOYWLRB27UMY Harrison

    You know I tried to compare stuff like this and Sex and the City and the tasteless tweenage girl movies as like the female version of our crazy action guy movies in the 80's. Only thing is NO ONE TOOK THOSE SERIOUSLY! They were silly and stupid and that's why we enjoyed them so much. Fans of this wave, if that's what you wanna call it, are following this hardcore as really good story telling. It. Is. Not. I just don't fucking get it.

  • Quett

    There actually is something that both Edward and Bella have in common. They're both obsessed with Bella

  • http://twitter.com/ramik1981 Raymond Hearty

    What is so hard to understand about Twilight? It caters to the lowest common denominator of dumb teenage girls and their fantasies of having a bunch of buffed brooding men fighting for their affection even though they have little to offer.

    You see, up till now there really hasn't been a lot of material in Hollywood to cater to teenage girls. Most of it up till now has been made for teenage boys with all the mindless action movies (everything Micheal Bay). It's an untapped resource that really hasn't been exploited up till now, and with Stephenie Mayer came the right person for the job.

    The key words here are “dumb teenage girls.” If you ask me a series like “Sex in the City” is a thousand times worse because something like that caters to dumb 30-40 something women. A demographic you'd expect a lot more from….=/

  • TenchiMng

    Alright, you probably get this all the time and don't have the time to do it, but, I have an anime recomendation. The series is called “Elfen Lied”. Like I said, your time is valuable, but I think you will enjoy it. Definately not for kids and it's not that Naruto shit.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/O6URLFLYT4EHVISS4CWKZ2RREM Verity

    Elfen Lied is brilliant! *backs up recommendation*

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Conrad-Wormworth/100000903762517 Conrad Wormworth

    Behold, the terrifying premise of…

    MILDLY UNPLEASANT CHEESE SMELL.

    It's everywhere…

    It's in the streets…

    It's in your house…

    It's in your *body*…

    And soon…

    It will be in your NOSE.

    Coming Soon.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Conrad-Wormworth/100000903762517 Conrad Wormworth

    Behold, the terrifying premise of…

    MILDLY UNPLEASANT CHEESE SMELL.

    It's everywhere…

    It's in the streets…

    It's in your house…

    It's in your *body*…

    And soon…

    It will be in your NOSE.

    Coming Soon.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dan-Klingberg/1095501798 Dan Klingberg

    I'm not sure whether or not this is true but something just clicked. I remember a QI (British TV series, if you don't know it) DVD Game told of the city with the highest population of vampires. This city is Seattle where it would seem the evil woman vampire thing made new vampires. Coincidence or clever fact-finding?

  • Anonymous

    Hey I am super curious, being a huge poster/graphic arts fan, what is that at the head of Spoony’s bed? “2001 A Space Odyssey”? (the tunnel scene seems vaguely familiar. Anyways its super awesome, any leads of what it is would be greatly appreciated!

  • Anonymous

    Hey I am super curious, being a huge poster/graphic arts fan, what is that at the head of Spoony’s bed? “2001 A Space Odyssey”? (the tunnel scene seems vaguely familiar. Anyways its super awesome, any leads of what it is would be greatly appreciated!

  • willharrison

    Ministry of Silly Walks… that's what that little figure is — John Cleese! I thought it was Jackie Chan trying to kick a pile of blocks at first.

    Twilight is so utterly preposterous and brutally contrived in many, many ways, like you mentioned. I wondered the same things: why is Bella up in the mountain of all places, freezing her tits?, why isn't she wearing warmer clothes?, or have more blankets? ..why not bring those snappy chemical packs that heat up? ..I wondered that too.. And the whole, vampires-are-strongest-when-newborn, I didn't really buy either. Seems to me that should be your weakest time, when you're still learning your abilities and you'd have your ass handed to you in a fight with an older vampire. The idea of using weapons or setting up traps, didn't occur to me, but you're right, now that I think about it (why not use swords or bats at least)… I also questioned at one point why it appeared that Edward was in daylight and wasn't sparkling, but I guess that's a nitpick.

    However, I will say, I think with more intelligent direction, more comic relief and better/more action scenes this could've been an epic movie that might've even appealed to all the boyfriends who got dragged to see it.

    The reason why it's such a hit is simply this: young girls relate to the school girl Bella character (the quieter, somewhat bookish/dark type girl), and they fantasize about having this dreamy, tall, dark, brooding guy falling for her… and of course, they fantasy isn't complete without having some competition in the form of Jacob, the bad-ass type, chiseled muscley man ala Harlequin romance covers. Mix that with the edgy vampire/werewolf theme and put it in a contemporary highschool setting and you have something that sells really well to it's target market. I personally commend the author for sending the message to young girls about abstinence and waiting till your married etc. as I think we live in a world now where, what with media and the internet, kids are more exposed to sex and probably have sex at much younger ages then in the past (I could be wrong).. Sadly, the story doesn't withstand close scrutiny, especially from a male perspective and as you say, when these girls grow up, they will probably look back and laugh at themselves for being having been twihards. I'm of the minority though spoony, where I fall into that grey area of just reacting to it as “meh” ..neither hate it nor love it, 'cuz I realise it's not marketed towards me. Still fun to make fun of though.

  • http://twitter.com/Duxlq Ivan Manolov

    WooHoo this made my day (its morning here) .

  • willharrison

    I think he would appreciate Death Note too… especially considering it made it to live action versions (which he might like even more, seeing as he likes Japanese horror movies, and although it's not horror, it has similar qualities). The whole chess game between L and Kira is excellent stuff.

    Spoony, if you're reading this, just watch the first 3 episodes of Death Note and tell us what you think, please!

  • willharrison

    Oh yea and the reason Edward likes Bella so much is that he can't read her mind and that she's not afraid of him, they establish that in the first movie. Why Jacob likes her so much, I'm not sure, but maybe it's 'cuz she's with a vampire and that's competition to him? But having said that, I still ask the exact same question: what is so god-damned special about this “drowsey-eyed, blank slate” of a girl XD

  • http://twitter.com/thereals0beit Andrew YouDontKnow

    This summer…

    A PHENOMENON IS HAPPENING…

    THE ENTIRE EARTH INFECTED…

    WITH ARTHRITIS!

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/SOKULLKQXFT2IMU3EUCO6F4DQ4 Chad

    Damn, I just moved to Seattle for a month. I don't know why Vampires would be here, daylight hours are much longer here. I guess I much watch out for sparkly people.

  • Logion

    Well in your quest to understand Twilight you can always take a look at what the Oatmeal explained in his part “How Twilight Works” on his site. It explained a lot to me.

  • Il Principe

    Might be a bit early since I have only watched about 20 minutes by now, still, I wanted to comment on some things.

    First of all, I have neither read the books nor seen any of the movies (actually I'm bored in general with vampires and werewolves at this point since every other series is about them and more often than not these depictions suck big-time).

    Second, from what I've heard on you reviews and from other reviewers, it seems like the main plot (besides being soaked in christian philosophy) this is – unintentional maybe – about a dysfunctional relationship. That might explain why many people identify with it, because they know only dysfunctionality. Besides that, I smell a lot of Sado-masochistic moments.

    Thirdly, coming back to familiar structures, thats why some people like repetitive stories: yes, they are basically harlequin romance novels, and those have worked for ages, because a lot of people don't want to be challenged in their patterns, they want them reproduced.

    Thats my take so far, now please, continue, SoonyOne.

  • Strelnikov

    Worse villians than the wind:

    Slight drizzle
    Regular sunlight
    Two week old kittens
    Rickets

    • http://twitter.com/thereals0beit Andrew YouDontKnow

      How about the gum disease known as GINGIVITIS!

  • Dr_Peace

    I've not seen any of these films, due to laziness, cheapness (more money for games!) and overarching apathy.

    I just wanted to point out that the Avatar series is not anime, it's American made which kinda kills that chance. There is plenty of awesome anime out there, I'm watching Gungrave (a mix of mafia drama, and one man against the world action) right now which is pretty damn sweet.

    • Anonymous

      Heard that the first episode of the anime adaption of the manga Highschool of the Dead was pretty good.

    • Anonymous

      Heard that the first episode of the anime adaption of the manga Highschool of the Dead was pretty good.

  • Brakiri

    The DJ diddles!

    Ahahaha..i laughed so hard, my stomach is still aching..hehehehe

  • Boppsson

    I find Twilight's success easy to explain. Girls today grow up reading Harry Potter which introduces the whole mythological creatures and people living hidden in normal society. When they hit puberty, or rub-one-out-age as I like to call it, they want something more adult and in walks Twilight. Being the first major thing in their lives to fit that criteria they worship it.
    A similar occurance is Halo, for many the first FPS they ever played. If someone says that Halo is the best FPS ever I can guarantee you that they didn't play Quake, Maraton or any other FPS before they played Halo. Just like any young Twilight fan have not read a romance novel before. So massive is the power of first introduction. Do not underestimate it, me children.

    Time and place, Spoonster. Time and place. Twilight would not have been successfull under any other circumstances and we all know it.

  • Il Principe

    A little Post Scriptum, now that I finished the video: I love the idea of making a documentary about Twilight. Just love it. Asking literary icons about their take on this crap. Would watch it. As a matter of fact, I'd pay money to see it!

  • http://www.facebook.com/Justjay7 Jason Brierley

    You want worse weaknesses than the wind killing people? How about Aliens that combust on contact with water? BAM!

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/GNEL36BB5TW5L7EZ6HDI5A7A4A euan

    Spoony needs a crime lab with the best minds in the known universe to crack the code of the Twilight “Saga”

  • Phrederic

    I watched Avatar with my brother (Who is totally unfamiliar with the show, I loved it), and it…it was both terrible and awesome, there were moments where the entire theater erupted in laughter, not at the jokes, I spent the entire time mocking it and it was fairly enjoyable because of how bad it was, but was completely awful at creating likable characters, interesting dialogue, cool fights, good effects, any of that crap, the acting was deplorable. I will say one thing about it, Aasif Mandvi was epic, though you could see him thinking “Seriously? This is what you want me to say? Well, there goes my career.” The movie is a terrible tribute to an awesome show, and if you like some well animated kung fu epics with a decent sense of humor, I'd really suggest watching it if you have the chance.

  • http://www.ticklishsocks.deviantart.com Tobia Baraccani

    A wet hankerchief

  • Arcyo

    I think what makes this series work is the fact that Bella IS so bland and – so to speak – without any special character traits. She is there to provide the fangirls a spot in this universe which they can fill in with themselves in their imagination (sort of like those fanfictions, where you write yourself into the story and can thus have sex with…e.g. Connor McLeod as a furry) and phantasize about having a relationship with a handsome vampire, who does nothing but adore you for no reason AND doesn't bother the girl with any “annoying” traits, he's just there to be your toy.
    Although I have to say that they DO share one common interest, as far as I can remember, which is music. I think it was just a short scene in the first movie where they sit in Edward's car and she's surprised that he listens to Debussy and later on, he writes a lullaby for her on piano. So yeah, they share something, but that doesn't go very far, they're still pretty shallow.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alex-Anderson-Parrot/1796063966 Alex Anderson Parrot

    48:00 Hmm, things they share an interest in…..Their looks. Their gorgeous, fabulous looks.
    When their not looking at each-other, their looking in a reflective surface. Could be anything, even the foil of a condom wrapper! These are vain main characters with a vain retarded fanbase, that include dumbasses like me and you who revel at laughing at HOW stupid it all looks. It's all about vanity, in any aspect. I mean why would Jacob spend half the movie bare-chested (aside from trying to show up Yor:Hunter from the future…….which is impossible!!! Taylor Lautner ain't got sh*t on the Reb-miester!)

  • Darkweaver

    Some guy with a gunblade

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Adrian-Fii/100000400297928 Adrian Fii

    Seriously, three words: Vampire. Fang. Cesarean! I am SO looking forward to seeing this! Oh, trust me, that book is TERRIBLE! But this… if they actually do it and here's the thing, we might be getting two, maybe THREE movies for just this book! Two movies, at least! They HAVE to have at LEAST two of the following; the cesarean, the vampire baby killing her or werewolf pedolust!
    This book is unfilmable… and they're making it a two parter!

  • http://bluehighwind.blogspot.com/ BlueHighwind

    Last week when I gave the Cure for the Twilight Blues (its the anime Hellsing) I pointed out that Twilight is not a saga:

    “Even more embarrassing is that the creators of this film franchise and Stephenie Meyers herself seem to have absolutely no idea what a “saga” actually is. They seem to think its just a series, maybe with a few themes of epic literature. No that's giving them too much credit, they just thought it sounded cool. “Saga” is a complex term that can mean a lot of things: it can be about Icelandic heroes, Norwegian kings, or Germanic myths. A “saga novel” is a modern literary form styled upon the Norse sagas that tell the story of a large cast of characters, usually a family but really any large segment of society, across a very large dramatic setting, often in several volumes and dealing with several generations. “Twilight” a series that only has a single POV character, the insufferable Bella, and maybe three characters of consequence, is not even close to being a “saga”. You want a saga novel? Try “War and Peace”. “Star Wars” is a better saga than this. Yeah, “Twilight” has several volumes, but so far these movies have no overarching plot to speak of. Maybe you could argue that they're on some level heroic (doubtful in of itself), but that don't make it a “saga” on any level.

    But even if this series were a proper saga, I'd still make fun of it for being so self-aggrandizing as to call itself “Saga”. The only proper response to a creator who calls his or her work a “saga” is the jerk-off motion.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gerard-Mckay/1552902991 Gerard Mckay

    Edward likes music too…only seen the first movie so far but i remember he had a big record/cd collection.
    I'm not that smart but i'm british so i'll hunt you down someone to shread these movies lol

  • peteman

    I would probably not use a bladed weapon against a sparklepire. I'd use a war hammer.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Henrik-Karlsson/709392200 Henrik Karlsson

    They both like to suck cock!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nino-Rodel-Buzon/1106214316 Nino Rodel Buzon

    finally! i was waiting for you to start ranting. i actually thought you'd do the entire review calm-like. but at around 40:00. ahh, music to my ears

  • http://www.ticklishsocks.deviantart.com Tobia Baraccani

    Some guy with a volleyball

    • http://twitter.com/KatKaleen KatKaleen

      Gravity itself. Try to outrun that!

  • goodguya

    I would seriously suggest watching the This Week in Geek episode. You may be surprised.

  • EatTheHumans

    I admit I'm not a fan of Avatar. It just seemed very stale when I watched the first DVD. I know people say it gets better later on but unless a show hooks me with it's early material I don't see the point of investing my time in it hoping it gets better.

    As for Eclipse. Well what can you say spoony. It's a festering pile and no mistake. I've been trying to work out what the hell Twilights about since I first heard of it, my girlfriends no help she bursts into flame at the mere mention of it.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/PYYMPC46DBOI4ZLAZOWL23TUMY Slammington

    In reference to The Happening, it technically wasn't the wind, but a toxin plants put into the air, so Shamylan already came up with a worse villain… HIGH POLLEN COUNT!

    I have to say damn you Spoony. I hate it when you do these long rants because I always have to sit through and listen to the whole thing. I HAVE STUFF TO DO DAMN IT! STOP BEING INTERESTING!

    Seriously though, good points made all around. I always like hearing your opinions because I seem to always agree with it.

  • http://cynik.co.uk Cynik

    Twilight is cancer.

  • anonns

    NOAH You should have a “Spoony Experiment Movie Spectacular” (S.E.M.S?) on opening day for “Breaking Dawn” where WE buy all the opening day tickets at a selected movie theater where your gonna see it, fill every seat in that theater with the people that agree with what your saying.

    Talk to the manager, have a table set up, sign Breaking Dawn Posters before the flick, we all get to know one another. It'd be hilarious. In fact, if successful, it would be reason for people to attend one of these shitty movies instead of you receiving (assuming here) flack for some of what you say. Heck you could even see a few movies and we make a day out of it.

    …obviously we'd all pay our own way and set up our own hotels and shit…but that would just be epic to have all like minds in one spot. Heck we could even wear name tags that have our handle on our clothes for this…you all seem cool.

    ———
    HEY EVERYONE, AGREE IF YOU THINK ITS A GOOD IDEA TO LOOK INTO.

    • http://twitter.com/Yadokingu Sag Ichnet

      Yeah and we should call it “Spoony’s Breaking Down”. It’s a nice pun and will most likely be true after watching this movie.

      • Anonymous

        im just shocked only 13 people including myself would be down for this…AND THATS IT??

        …and theres like 320+ people commenting…it wouldn’t be that hard to do, seriously….but who knows

  • They Call Me The Fizz

    I think Moviebob put it best when he described the Twilight franchise as “Mormon Vampire Abstinence Porn”

    As for the Last Airbender, it's not just bad… It's BORING BAD. If your brother was familiar with any aspect of the original show, I suggest it's time for another dual review so we can see it from both perspectives

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1160661716 Roger Civit

    Is that a Ministry of Silly Walks t-shirt? Cool…

    Also, let me give you my opinion about this whole phenomenon: Twilight is something only chicks like and understand because it focuses straight on the main feature of female personality. As politically incorrect as it might sound, women are driven mainly by emotions, and secondarily by reasoning. Men are the right opposite. These are movies aimed to thrill them by giving women emotions. The less sense the movies make, the more women will focus on those emotions. We men and women are different, want different things and movie producers know it. that's why we don't get the point of these movies: they cater to female emotions, not male ones. And they don't make any sense because they don't need to.

    • http://twitter.com/linreads Lindsay

      That sounds like the same backwards bullshit that kept women from voting, owning property, etc., throughout history.If men are so reasonable and awesome and women are so emotionally unstable, how come men make up the majority of violent crimes? ‘Cause they REASONED it’d be a better choice to stab someone in the throat? Men are just as much “emotional” as women, they’re just socially conditioned to hide them more under a flimsy pretext that it’s “not manly” to express emotion, whereas women aren’t restricted that way. Twilight’s just stupid escapism in the same way dumb action flicks are escapism marketed to guys. Do many of those movies make any sense? Not that I can see. You could draw the same comparison and say that guys aren’t driven by intelligence and don’t need logic, but rather driven by the need for violence. But that would be stupid because it’s making sweeping generalizations about who likes this stuff, why, and what they get out of it. Twilight is popular because it “gives emotions”?? Don’t crazy action flicks marketed to guys intent to thrill and excite? Aren’t those emotions?Oh, and some guys do like Twilight, if the guys in my life are any indication. Even though I, a woman, hate it! Guess I’m just not “emotional” enough.

      • http://twitter.com/KatKaleen KatKaleen

        Thank you, you put it well.
        But I have one problem there. Why has it become an insult to call a person emotional?
        I guess it’s always been an insult towards men, as it was considered to be unmanly back in the day.
        But nowadays women take it as an insult as well. And not just when someone’s making generalized statements.
        An emotional person – to me – is simply a person that allows her/his emotions to show and acts accordingly. And that’s a good thing. Emotions need to be felt and shown, so people can feel your love, care, sympathy, sadness and joy. Even anger should be shown, so people know they’ve crossed a line. You just should have the self-control not to stab them immediately.*cough*
        And I think feminism went the wrong way there. Women shouldn’t be pissed if they’re called emotional. If you’re really not, yeah, you can still say that you aren’t. (And I would be sorry for you.)
        But it should have been about showing men that being emotional is not just okay, it’s good.
        Well, except for the therapists.

  • Carteeg_Struve

    As someone who has had a parent die from cancer, let me say…. cancer does not deserve to be insulted like that.

  • http://www.google.com/profiles/114319313498601954245 Kaltzor

    Who needs suspence when you can have to overly ****ing cliché “good always wins”.

  • new_vision

    Has anyone here seen the Vampire Hunter D anime movie? (having not seen or read twilight) The film sounds like it deals with a pretty similar vampiric romance. It just does it well. Worth watching

  • Dr_Stromphe

    Who is more evil, Bella or Richard III?

  • The_goddamn_Master

    This is delicious!
    I may disagree with you on TF2, but you are still full of win.
    Breaking Dawn will be two separate movies (creative, ain't it?), and the first is scheduled for release on November 28th of next year. Alas, David Cronenberg is not the director.
    (When you talked about action in 'The Last Airbender', I actually giggled a bit, probably at your expense. I am so sorry…)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mattie-Wright/1403190266 Mattie Wright

    I hate Twilight and I am a woman. I was forced to see this movie with my friend the other day (a Twihard) and was bored out of my mind. I had seen Twilight at the dollar theatre for laughs and got them–but in this movie all I could do was point out the glaring plotholes, which I did aloud. Kirsten Stewart's acting was atrocious and had the ranging emotions of 'angst' to 'really angsty'. It was obvious that none of the cast was really taking their role seriously (again), they just wanted another paycheck.

    I honestly have no clue why Twilight is so popular. There's no story, the characters are laughable and the original writing (I did read Twilight and New Moon–I couldn't bring myself to read Eclipse, it was too hard) was sub-par at best. Watching my friends frenzy over these books for the past few years (and now the movies) has been nauseating and honestly, I can't wait for it to be over.

  • SubTonic

    Spoony, you need the cast of Persona 4. REACH OUT TO THE TRUTH!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dreaded-Candiru/100000970188298 Dreaded Candiru

    By the way, Spoony, Cinema Snob says that if you go to see The Last Airbender? Keep an eye out for the penis hair. It's in the first scene with the princess, and apparently it's the only interesting part of the movie.

  • yellow13

    i think the reason that the twi fans seem to like it is because, like so many demotivational posters have said, it's a choice between necrophelia and bestality. two of the more taboo fetishes out there and its as close as any of these women are gonna get to feeling that for themselves.

    that's my take on it anyways.

  • http://twitter.com/vegaeccentric Alyssa Grant

    Bella is a placeholder character. The reader is supposed to be able to inject themselves into the story through her. It works because she has no real personality that would potentially clash with the reader's. That's why girls like to read it. They can imagine themselves as the object of Edward and Jacob's affections. Although why they would want to is beyond me. It's like bad fanfiction (oh God, I'd hate to read Twilight fanfiction).

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/7UGOVT2HFPGUE7QCANOUSTWDDA Phate

    YES. XD I was alone in the theater when this scene rolled by, so I was able to just die laughing at it. Absolutely awesome.

  • http://twitter.com/andrewswim Andrew Salomon

    Speaking of Hellsing, the only way vampirism will ever get back its glory is if they make a Hellsing movie with Johny Depp as Alucard. FUND IT!

    • Anonymous

      Call me when Western entertainers realize that an akimbo death-god and .50 caliber sniper rifles is a good combo…or remember a film adaption of a comic book character called “Blade”.

    • Anonymous

      Call me when Western entertainers realize that an akimbo death-god and .50 caliber sniper rifles is a good combo…or remember a film adaption of a comic book character called “Blade”.

  • JeanJacket

    That was probably the best review of anything Twilight-related I've ever seen. (Granted, I don't bother to watch many.) I think you put more effort into it than what's been put into the series.

    I hate Twilight, not for what it is, but for what it's done to me and my peers. I'm a sixteen-year-old girl. We really didn't need another stereotype added to our collective reputation. One of the first things I'm asked by people I've just met when the subject of books comes up is “So, you're probably a Twilight fan, right?” NO.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dreaded-Candiru/100000970188298 Dreaded Candiru

    For a while there, I was actually considering going to see the movie just for the penis hair, but then I found a link to a picture of it, so I'm good. Henceforth, I shall know that movie as The Last Cockbender.

    Also, Shyamalan really just needs to give up. He's lost it. Over the past couple of years, I've become increasingly certain that The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable were accidents–like, he just got lucky with those.

  • anonns

    yeah man…when you see the penis hair you will giggle your ass off.

    I was like “wtf are they trying to display??” …its like an hour in…and you just wanna laugh hard as fuck when you see the boy salivating, getting wood, and staring at it. But obviously its really over the chick.

    too funny

  • JeanJacket

    The fanfiction is kind of hilarious. Seriously, it's almost worth it for the lulz.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ian-Samson/575676537 Ian Samson

    Just wanted to add to the comments recommending the Avatar cartoon.

    It's Western created, and that makes all the difference if you're averse to anime, as I tend to be too. Many have called it anime, because it has the artistic quality of one, compared to most modern American cartoons, but the storytelling and treatment of the characters is very akin to, say, Gargoyles.

    I'm actually surprised so many of the TGWTG crew haven't seen or heard of the Avatar cartoon show. It's the best produced and well written story-focused cartoons since, say, Justice League Unlimited. I hope, if the terrible, boring movie does anything, it's to lead you guys to the show, if just to see just how much life was sucked out of it, or to really get the whole picture of how much Shyamalan destroyed it. It's just mind boggling.

    Loved the even-handed Eclipse review! I'll only be watching Twilight with Rifftrax, if that. Like the Last Airbender movie, it seems so much more fun to hear others talk about them or mock them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mattie-Wright/1403190266 Mattie Wright

    For your question, 'What's One Thing Edward and Bella Connect With?' I couldn't come up with any myself, but my Twitard friend instantly said “Music! They both really like music and the reason why she wanted Jacob to turn off the radio in New Moon was because it reminder her of Edward not because she disliked it!”

    I was a little surprised by this, one because it seemed so minuscule (yet I'd have to expect this) but also for the fact that she was able to come up with anything. So I asked her if there was anything else she could think of, to which she replied “…” and I instantly retorted, “That's what thought.”

  • Joy_H

    I realized after the second movie what the appeal is of the twilight series, and I think you're on the right track with the romance novel idea. The problem with a romance novel is that it has a stigma – so much so that it's embarrassing for a girl to be caught reading it. Romance novels are associated with female masturbation, and many tween girls would prefer a more innocuous appearing form of entertainment. However, the Twilight series offers the smokescreen of vampires and werewolves so that it may appear as low fantasy, rather than the obvious shallow romance that it is.

    On the other hand, I am a die-hard Shyamalan fan. I am afraid that I may find The Last Airbender to be unbearably bad story-telling, but I stand by all of his movies until now, with the possible exception of The Happening. The Village was not about the twist; none of his movies are. The Village is a love story, and a story about the futile attempt of a group of traumatized people to escape the wicked world by creating their own innocent refuge. This movie is so chock-full of symbolism, you'll have to watch it several times to catch it all.

    The Happening tried to be about a man who didn't wear the pants in the relationship, learning to be a man, and showing his wife the he could step up and lead a family even in a time of desperation. However, he didn't tell that story well, and instead what we see are silly death scenes, and an environmentalist message about as subtle as Fern Gully.

  • http://twitter.com/Yadokingu Sag Ichnet

    Funny, the first thing I wrote about eclipse was “It's a lot better than the last two moviews. Sadly that makes it a lot less funny”
    Really without the unintentional funny it's just a bad movie.

    I didn't even think about them using weapons. I guesss I was just glad that anything at all was happening for once. But you are absolutely right. After a few hundret years on earth you should think that they at least made some connections to arms dealers, especially considering in what constant danger they are.

    That thing about newborns being stronger than ever again in their live really pissed me off, though. In every Vampire lore Vampires get stronger over time. and it just makes sense that way.
    The explaination was also especially dumb. “Because their own human blood still lingers in their cells.”?! wtf?!
    That should be gone after a few hours, let alone months.
    But I ould have lived with that stupid human bloob thing if they had just said “Newborns are as powerfull as a hundret year old Vampire because of the human blood, and since they are way more than us we have a fucking problem.”
    But saying that they are the most powerfull vampires? Really?! So they could take on the Voltury? why haven't they done that before and why aren't the Voltury more concerned?

    And yes jakob is a rapist and from what I've read on the internet he will be a pedophile next book. Nice -.-

    Edward is creapy as always and you can always see that Pattenson hates every moment of playing him.

    Bella is a heartless bitch and plain annoying as always, so no change here…

    And why are all the hot men so atrackted to Bella? Because her name is not really Bella but Marry Sue and imo you should call her that from now on, Spoony.

    Btw. the sparkling is actually explained. Vampires only sparkle in direct sunlight and fawkes is conviniently overshadowed by thick clouds all the fucking time……… -.-

  • http://twitter.com/GeoffSpender Geoff Spender

    That's absolute rubbish, and as wide of the mark in terms of gender values as anything Meyer has written.

    What's more to the point is that teenagers tend to be driven by emotion, or rather hormones. Social norms lead them towards different sorts of emotional fulfilment- a lot of teenage girls like the supposed romance and passion of Twilight, a lot of teenage boys like the supposed excitement and tension of Transformers. And they both like the eye candy in these films.

    Generalisations suck, especially when they're used to justify why you're better than someone else (reason has always been considered a higher intellectual function than emotion).

  • coolfirebird

    So…How do they kill Vampires in this 'saga'? I thought in the first movie they had to rip the guy apart and throw him into fire. Now they turn to marble and dust?…GAH. I hate Twilight.

  • anonns

    wasn't the ugly protagonist girl saved by the vampire guy in the first one…thus having a Superman Complex where she is an Emo dumb-ed down version of Lois Lane…isn't that the relationship “mortar” that everyone's looking for?

  • MasterSeijin

    The part where you imitate masturbating women in the theater had me rolling! XD

  • http://twitter.com/interludeauthor Sean Glenn Driscoll

    YES, the other vampires are FAR more developed than Edward and Bella. It's why, as loathsome as all the books are, I kind of dig the Cullen clan, minus Edward.

    It's like, in those parts, Stephanie Meyer is TRYING to be a good writer, and it sort of oozes through for a bit, before it falls back into the abyss.

    I agree with everything you said in this Vlog. It's spot on.

  • girllawliet

    REady? this is Twilight in a nutshell. It's a mormon conspiracy, with no character development. Bella was “intentionally” made a hollow character so girls could visualize themselves as her. Twilight is a giant FANFICTION.

  • Flamingwindjutsu

    Uhh… I'm pretty sure they like the same kind of music in the first one. I think that they like camping… And… I got nothing.

  • Mindwipe

    Spoony, I'm not exactly sure WHY you're reviewing the the Airbender movie. You're really just retreading the same ground as Angry Joe and Cinema Snob, both who reviewed the movie without seeing any of the source material. I mean, yeah, it's a bad fucking movie from an outsider's perspective. But to appreciate the pure awfulness of the movie, you should see the cartoon to see how Sham-wow changed everything that worked to something that didn't (bending the elements for example, was changed from following intuitively martial arts moves to using nonsensical dancing to “summon” the element a couple of seconds later). If you're dead-set on reviewing this movie, I'd like to see a different perspective than what the other TGWTG reviewers did a week ago.

  • http://twitter.com/edu800 Edward Belher

    They did mention they they like classic music in the 1st book…but its only there for like 5 secs.

  • Azereaux

    Documentary on Twilight fandom. . . . my god… It'd be like “Trekkies” but over a subject with no redeeming merit… *shudder*

  • http://twitter.com/KFJ943 Kristinn Freyr

    I must admit, I listened to all of the Twilight Audio books, and I didn't really dislike them or like them, it's the fanbase that really brings it down.
    (I was a community gardener last year, what do you expect?)

    Anyway, today I'm a game journalist, I work for an Icelandic annual magazine, and I write all the games articles and so on, including an interview with Jeremy Bulloch, and such.

    Anyway, there's two girls who work with me who are fanatics when it comes to twilight, one girl knows everything about it, read the books and so on, and the other watched the three movies, and didn't know a thing about Breaking dawn, they write the fashion articles.

    Anyway, we go to a lecture about internet magazines, and the guy who's talking works for an Icelandic subtitling company, and he's, well, the head-subtitler. If that's a title, I ask him what the worst movie he ever had to subtitle was, and he said “Still Alive” or something, and I asked him if he'd subtitled Twilight, he said no, but he asked me quite loudly “Does Edward really bite Bella's heart when she's giving birth to an overgrown child?”, the girl who'd only seen the movies was stunned, she pretty much shut up for the rest of that lecture, and then the guy goes away.

    Anyway, an hour later I'm translating an interview, and I hear open weeping, imagine the weeping in Left 4 Dead times 5. I see it's the girl, and she cried like there was no tomorrow due to the spoilers.

    She also admitted to crying when she saw Eclipse in theaters, and she waited in line for 3 hours to see it.

    • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/QMO5M5G2TV46VT6QIZYHZEQUXA Joe

      Anyway…

  • http://twitter.com/Kashadoo Kashadoo

    I got an iden an it is GRAVITY – the ultimate villian of Marvell. This fucking Batman tries to go down on a stair, and first stair – bum and his leg and half of an ass in crushed ultimately in “AAAAAAAAAAHHA AAAAAAAAAAAa.A WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHWAAAAAAAAAA” because his dick is filling with blood aswell. Alfred hears his screams, he immideatly wakes and tries to get off his bed but, OH-OH, the bed crushes to oblivion and falls into the deps of hell!!!

    And also there would be scene when Robin tries to run from the gravity by driving on a wheelchair but he sees a cat standing in front of him and roughly turns his wheelchair away from it and crashes. Then Robin cries and, in tears and there his makeup is destroyed from tears like from a crying whore who gets too much deeptrhoat, creeply crawls from gravity. And it gravitates his anal and rapes him.

    The end. Yes this movie got more serious approach, got this dark ending with a twist, Roger Ebert might actually like it.

  • http://twitter.com/Kashadoo Kashadoo

    did you like it?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1271695246 Michael-Wife Robbins

    As someone who suffers from bone cancer daily, I'm going to have to agree with Cynik. I'd rather have cancer than be forced to be a fan of twilight. I'd rather die than face the loss of principles that comes with armature writing and story telling.

    If I where given a choice to get rid of Twilight and die from this cancer eating me away and LIVE cancer free and twilight be considered good writing and story telling, I'd happily welcome my own suffering and death at the ravages of cancer and a life stuck in this damn wheelchair.

  • FaustSnake

    As stupid as it is the whole thing with the naming of the books/movies is that it goes from twilight all the way until the morning.

    Twilight, then comes a New Moon which is followed by an Eclipse and finally comes the Breaking Dawn.

    It's really stupid.

    • Anonymous

      Why is it called Twilight again?

    • Anonymous

      Why is it called Twilight again?

  • neoatg

    My god has any of you on TGWTG seen one of if not the best western cartoon ever made? I'm talking about Avatar: The last airbender. It is by far the best western ACTION cartoon I have ever seen. The story is great the comedy is spot on the action is wonderful. The reason it is said to be an anime even if it's not is because we have only had such quality actions cartoon from Anime maker.

    You spoony, Joe and anyone else needs drop what your doing and watch the series at least the 1st session. What A disappointment from you guys seriously wow just wow. Go watch the damn show.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=630575184 Nick Jobe

    Yeah, all that stuff that made the movies better (Riley's story and any of the action near the end) is not in the book whatsoever. So you can imagine how the book is :P . And no, Bella and Edward's love for each other is never explained. And yes, all the side characters are far more interesting.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000302647659 Seth Photopoulos

    Last Airbender isn't an anime

  • http://www.facebook.com/ian.holland2 Ian Holland

    I'd agree with you but lois lane isn't in love with superman, she loved clark kent. Not to mention they had a friendship that grew for years and similar interests

    • Anonymous

      lols wtf are we both doin comparing this demeaning shit to Superman…this trash is not even in the same league as Mighty Mouse

  • neoatg

    No it's not but we westerens don't usualy make such high quality action cartoons so it's compared and even for many mistaken for an anime. For anime have a habit of making such high quality action cartoons.

  • DangNabbit

    This pretty much summed up my opinion of the franchise. What really irritates me is that the makers tout is as “pro-abstinence”, when, as you said, quite clearly the two leads want to fuck.

  • http://twitter.com/Kanta_Mizuno Ryan Alarie

    She's so utterly vapid she's the only one who's mind he cannot read. As for her? He's rich and he's going to make her eternally young, with the latter being a hang up of hers at least.

    Oh and Last Airbender … I went to see it before seeing any of the reviews.

    Take one season of a show, remove all character development, get horribly bad child actors in most of the lead parts, have one of the main antagonists be a comedian giving serious dialogue, but as a comedian … he uses the same serious tone for comedic effect, add to that some of the worst dialogue ever “We should go.” “Yes, I'll go with you.” “I'll stay here.” It's too much story put into a small time frame which ends up becoming barely any story at all. The effects are ok, and then pointlessly put into 3D thus making them look worse especially as if they had intended it to be in 3D water bending and fire bending … which make up a large part of the finale, could have looked great if it was actually supposed to be in 3D.

    And in terms of action? There are some okay fight scenes, but none last very long. The only good thing about the movie? It reminded me at times why I enjoyed the cartoon (especially the exile prince, and the comic relief brother, etc) but most of what made the show interesting was cut for pacing, or was hurt by poor casting, etc. I don't recall too many other instances where a long running series was converted to a film in this way. Usually they make the equivalent of a long episode or a two-parter with better special effects, or a reimagining of the premise acting as a sort of pilot, etc. However trying to jam an entire season worth of information into a single film? I don't know about that. Even the Rebuild of Evangelion films have been about 6 to 10 episodes worth of material per film, cutting out the truly filler episodes and consolidating multiple “small” character moments into a few bigger ones, etc. But I don't know how they saw fitting TWENTY episodes worth of material into the movie.

  • http://twitter.com/Yadokingu Sag Ichnet

    *rofl* The cinema snobs description did not do it justice. It looks way more penisy than I would have imagined in my wildest dreams. thanks for making my day with this picture!

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bukee András Bukovinszky

    The One Thing connecting Edward and Bella? Easy, it's Divine Intervention.

    They are made for each other, they fate is to meet and be together until the end of time. They know it that's why they stay together.

    You could argue that this is complete horseshit, and you would be right. The only reason they are together because Meyer said so.

    A much better question would be: Why the fuck is this series a bestseller?

  • yetiboy

    One has to wonder if the movies are intended to subtly throw a new light on the bella from the books, which I didn't read but heard of. Maybe the director intends to do that but has to do so carefully as it's not entirly his decision on what to do.

  • yetiboy

    Maybe there's more girls like Bella out there than one'd think, who completely identify with her…
    Which would make this world a lot darker than it is already.

  • The_Stig

    Bah. Japanese, American. It's all made in Korea!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Phillip-Chanter/1230152805 Phillip Chanter

    Stupidest monster aside from the wind… DUST!

  • http://twitter.com/kshade_hyaena Khalan Shade

    The worst thing about Twilight is that it ruins werewolves and vampires.

  • capthavic

    Here is my theory for Bella: she is the female romance equivelent of Gordon Freeman. She's this bland blank slate that women can project themselves onto. When people vote for favorite videogame characters and they choose Gordon, they are really choosing themselves. All we know about Gordon is what little can be gleaned from side material about his past and what other characters offer up. He never speaks, never makes any choices, and never develops as a character. And Bella is the exact same way; a bland, blank cardboard cutout that exists solely to have a story.

    Sorry if I went on a bit of a ramble or repeat myself, but my point is that maybe Bella (and Edward too) are so bland because they are supposed to be blank slates that the auience can project themselves onto. I've never read the books or seen any of the movies (aside from bits and pieces) so I only have what others have said to really go on but that's what I take from it.

    • Anonymous

      Probably worked at least in the book since we’re inside the head of the character (or for Freeman, we are Freeman).

    • Anonymous

      Probably worked at least in the book since we’re inside the head of the character (or for Freeman, we are Freeman).

  • http://www.facebook.com/florian.schwaighofer Florian Schwaighofer

    Well, maybee if the author read Shiller or Goethe maybee we would have get something with more thought

  • http://twitter.com/GodhandRubedo Ted Zimmerlee

    What's going to be funny is this: Breaking Dawn's going to broken into two parts. Why do they feel the need to make two parts just to detail every little little from “that” book. I call it “that” or “thing” since Twilight tends to be like a soul sucker that turns you into a mindless violent zombie. But why need two parts for the violent sex scenes, the baby kung fu ass kicking Bella's insides out, and this is really going to be both fucked up and funny at same time is Jacob's transformation from a rapist to a full blow pedophile. How much you're going to bet for when this happens and for somebody who's got a brain, who's on Team Jacob, sees this and just goes: “fuck this”, right?

    • Anonymous

      To think about it, if all of these Twats actually know about how those details, they’re going to wonder why they even started this whole VS crap to begin with.

    • Anonymous

      To think about it, if all of these Twats actually know about how those details, they’re going to wonder why they even started this whole VS crap to begin with.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anastasia-Gortsila/1145241693 Anastasia Gortsila

    Oh, you want reasons? Sure, I'll give you reasons.

    For Bella:

    Immortality. Never growing old and wrinkled. Remember the dream from NM?
    Money. The Cullens are filthily rich and Bella is after them. You can understand this by reading the first book: she belittles anything that is poor and not “in”.
    Beauty. She loves Edward for his looks. She values looks above anything.

    For Edward:
    Control. Bella is someone he can control. He, a century-old vampire wants a teen. Why? Because he can manipulate her. Because an adult woman would be too much for him.
    Her blood smells yummy. You know he'll nom her after the end.

    Reasons enough?

    • http://q99.livejournal.com/ Q99

      Also Bella wants whatever’s most ‘special’. If she can get a werewolf, she’ll toss everything aside to get that, unless the vampire’s even more ‘special’ in which case she’ll toss him aside too.

      Everything else is expendable to her and a sparklevamp is the ultimate prize for her.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=606283785 Theodore Marinos

    You know what makes absolutely no sense to me? So she's very willing to give up her human nature and be damned for all eternity (to be fair, being a vampire is not such a big problem in the Twilight universe, you don't even get the fatal reaction to sunlight for crying out loud) but she can't put a ring on it? I mean seriously? She wants to keep her options open in case she meets someone hotter than Edward? WTF?

    Also considering the “Jacob comes across as a rapist” thing, you mentioned there's a hillarious scene in the book that i hear didn't make it to the movie (i read it out of an academical interest, i wanted to see how bad it was! I hear the last one gives a new meaning to the term batshit insanity, so i might give it a go!): so after Jacob forcefully kisses her (which BTW would count at least as sexual harassment even in Taliban ruled Kandahar) and Bella punches him in the face, but because he is a werewolf she ends up breaking her wrist or something, Jacob takes her home to her father THE COP and joyfully recounts everything that happened, EXACLTY how it happened and you know how the father reacts to that? He asks him if he wants to press assault charges against her! Seriously! No wonder Bella wants to become a vampire, hell his neck had better be the first she rips when she turns!

    • Anonymous

      Cinema Snob mentions Bella breaking her hand punching Jacob in his review so I guess it’s in the movie.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=606283785 Theodore Marinos

        Yeah but i heard the aftermath with the father isn’t lol Well since inception has been pushed back to the end of August here (damn our beaches and warm summers) i may catch it at the cinema and find out for myslef!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=606283785 Theodore Marinos

        Yeah but i heard the aftermath with the father isn’t lol Well since inception has been pushed back to the end of August here (damn our beaches and warm summers) i may catch it at the cinema and find out for myslef!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Tetlow/1301633575 Nick Tetlow

    My grandmother was killed by a flock of stampeding dust.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Tetlow/1301633575 Nick Tetlow

    It's that sort of awkward japanese imitation style. Honestly though if Last Airbender was anime (as in animation from japan) it would be a considered a sub-par, forgettable superpower romp by most anime fans.

    • Anonymous

      Avatar: The Last Airbender is not an anime, it is however influenced by the style. It is also a legitimately awesome cartoon. It’s won several awards, including a Peabody, and is definitely worth a watch. If you haven’t seen it, then this would be a great time to do so, as NickToon is showing the entire series, again, this summer(with pop-up extras which are amusing and at times informative) and will probably run through the whole series again before the summer is over(they’ve already shown all three seasons last month) Or you could download, buy, or rent the series. Either way it should be watched. It will not be regretted.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Omnikus-Schlotter/100000373849732 Omnikus Schlotter

    That makes a horrifying lot of sense.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Omnikus-Schlotter/100000373849732 Omnikus Schlotter

    One other thing: Doesn't everything just CALL, SCREAM for an Anti-Twilight movie? I'm not talking parody here, I mean a phenomenal hardcore vampire movie to counter this bullshit hype. Wouldn't that be awesome?

  • http://www.facebook.com/SwobyJ Malcolm Swoboda

    Haha… Sham-wow.

    I agree, the series was completely wrecked by the movie (from what I've seen so far).

    Spoony, I implore you to spend some time and watch at least the first Book of episodes online. They're not that hard to find. Then you can see just how shit the movie is.

  • http://www.facebook.com/SwobyJ Malcolm Swoboda

    You have it completely on the mark. Hell, I think Meyer even said it came to her in a dream. Yeah…

    Twilight = Mormonism + Modernism + Supernatural beings – Obvious references to it being this.

    Bella is a Mary Sue for the author. How the hell did this become a film series. How the hell did this become a bestselling book series. My god…

  • ContrabassoonWizard

    Maybe I'm just speaking out my asshole, here, but I seriously doubt Twilight will have much lasting impact in the mind of our society… because it has no literary merit. I mean, all the things you're pointing out here in this long, long rant: do you think Stephanie Meyer thought all this stuff through as thoroughly as you have? I really doubt it! If she did, you wouldn't be sitting there pointing them out, because she would have fixed them. I mean… she's got a degree, so I'm assuming she's not a great big idiot. I think she's probably closed-minded and a little naive (being a straight-laced Mormon; the kind of person who lives off of wishful thinking), but she's not stupid. I would hazard a guess that if you research it, you'll end up not finding anything out about society, but rather something more mundane, like the power of marketing. I always make comparisons in my head between Twilight and the Inheritance books (Eragon, Eldest, etc.); they're all awful, awful books, but they were pushed in just the right way that lots of people heard about them, they filled a certain niche, so they sold a bunch of copies. The rabid fanbase may just be a result of the law of probabilities when dealing with large numbers of people. And hey, who the fuck talks about Eragon anymore? No one, that's who. It was a massive bestseller, but it died after only a couple of years. Because it's crap, and people eventually realized that (I think the movie finally drove the point home).
    I mean yeah, I'd be interested to see what you come up with if you do look more deeply into it, but maybe don't bank too much on finding anything significant or powerful. There might not be anything there.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Tetlow/1301633575 Nick Tetlow

    Yeah i had to pause right there for like 2 minutes while i laughed at that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sanny-Folkesson/100000746899577 Sanny Folkesson

    What i ahve to say about the 4th twilight is maybe the hardest to be made next to Morbus Gravis, but yes Cronenberg actually would be perfect.

    Now as you try to analise it i now got qurius and liek to try my take on se what i find out.
    and first of what i came upp ith hearing fomr everyone is tis a story of the farytale of fair princess as she is the best of all fairest of em all, its what little girls like to play, i get the imrepssion is deep down same thing, the character is a blank slate as the woman can project themself to be in bellas situation she has no character for she isint suspe to be she is a avatar for the audience of the wimen to be in her situation during the movie.

  • http://twitter.com/SomethingGerman Michael Enea

    Also, the day Cronenberg directs a twilight movie will be the day I start building an atom bomb to destroy this planet.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matt-Swinson/1006163034 Matt Swinson

    There are, and I swear to god I am not joking, lesson plans based around The Twilight books. I am going to be an English teaching (license is coming) and I heard my mentor teachers talking about the possibility of using the Twilight book in their units. On one note, I understand that we need to try and get kids interested, but there is no literary merit to these books. I am horrified at the prospect of sacrificing integrity as a teacher for the sake of using horrible books like these.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Colamarr Timo Pesonen

    I got strange vibe that twilight will be your end. Lovecraftian madness awaits.

  • Vincent_Cooper17

    The whole Twilight “saga can be summed up like this. It is about a cocktease who has to choose between negro and pedofelia or beastiality. Sure, shit happens inbetween. But, that is what it boils down to.

  • illidan4ever

    I am still not convinced that this isn't a satire on the teenage female.

    The thing is, I completely get why they like it and it's harmless enough: they love the idea of something labled a monster being able to make moral decisions and choosing them and only them based on “love at first sight,” like it's meant to be.

    That's all there is to it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Natalie-Wormsbecher/100000893140300 Natalie Wormsbecher

    Hating the “Twilight-Saga” ist not just a guy-thing. I'm female and I also just can't understand the relationship between Edward and Bella. I watched the first two movies and I can not say, which one was worse… Honestly… I'm as curious, as you are, what the point of this “love” is… This is NOT love, no. I really think, that Stephenie Meyer herself doesn't know, what love is… And her naive dream of true feelings is this book. It's like a blind one trying to tell a story about how a rainbow looks like. And everyone, who once saw a rainbow would know, that this is NOT a description of a rainbow… But all the other blind ones would probably love the tale, because they never saw a rainbow either and so they could never tell, what is wrong in this whole thing…

    I have my own theory of why Twilight is such a hit – basically I think that most of the people who read and like twilight never experienced love of any kind. The majority of the teens today is mentally broken… They can't tell the difference between love and physical desire. The movies in TV, the porn in the internet, the broken relationships of their parents – all this shows them a world, where there is no love. Only financal or social benefit, only sexual satisfaction. When you are a kid growing up in these times and in a family where love doesn't exist, how can you learn what love is? Maybe it isn't even possible… And such people, such GIRLS love Twilight. It is a mirror of their life, of their problems, of their feelings. They like boys for their good looks, not for their character… And they mistake sexual attraction for love…

    Another theory is, that Bella ist so flat and shallow that every girl could replace her in her own fantasy. And pretend, that she loves Edward and Edward loves her. Like a video game. (For me, it doesn't work at all… When I read a book or watch a movie, I want to see characters interacting. But in Twilight there unfortunately are no characters…)

    I tried to read the first twilight book, but I couldn't. After the first 100 pages of nothing and even more nothing I had to stop. I watched the movies instead and even that physically tortured me. Why do I do this? Cause I write storys myself and I can't ignore something that successful. I have to take a look. But I really could not figure out, why… I'm still searching for an answer… So I can totally relate to your desperation! ;)

    Just one other thing – Avatar the animated series ist good. Really. I don't know about the movie (and I heard horrible things…) but the series you can watch, even if you usually don't watch cartoons. (And btw Avatar ist not an Anime… not really.) So, watch it. It's fun. ^-^d

    • Anonymous

      Look, I strongly disagree that “the majority of teenagers are mentally broken”. Nonsense. They said that when I was a teenager, and it wasn’t true then.

      No offence, but it’s such a knee-jerk thing for many people to say, yeah, life is so terrible, modern kids are awful, they don’t know what love is, they’re corrupted by the evils of technology, everything’s different, it’s not like the good old days when *I* was young. etc., etc.. Trouble is, in the “good old days” people were saying *the exact same thing*. And in the “good old days” *those* people harked back to… the same thing again. Etc. I see no reason to think there’s any less love any the world than there ever was. In fact, I don’t think “these times” are bad, full stop.

      I do think the success of “Twilight” is that, yes, it keys into the dopey-schoolgirl mentality perfectly. A lot of teenage girls are extremely silly. Unbelievably silly. Always were, always will be. They grow out of it, mostly. That’s pretty much all there is too it.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Natalie-Wormsbecher/100000893140300 Natalie Wormsbecher

        I said no such thing as “the good old days”. Haha! I’m actally not that old to say things like that. ;) In my “old days” the majority of teens was not really mentally healthy either. ;) Actually I think that through all times it is hard to find adolescents who are full aware of their feelings and have experienced such things as love. But when you grow up, you usually learn to control yourself. You make experiences and grow. Teenagers (especially today) are not able to do that. It is scientifically proven that teenagers today mature slower, than 20 or 30 years ago. Today they have access to so much information! Internet, cellphones, TV, etc. So it isn’t even necessary for them to go out and make own experiences. Most of them first start to mature, when their parents throw them out and they are forced to get a job, pay a rent, raise a family… Only then they start to make experiences aside from books, comics, TV-shows or video games…

        Of course there still are “normal” kids, which grow up without PCs or cellphones. Or even without a TV. But today this is so unusual, that they are seen as aliens. Haha! Those kids will probably even have more problems, then the “unnormal” ones. ;) I don’t say, that TV, Internet and such things destroy a mind… no. Not when you are mentally stable. But not all people are. And in the puberty the mind is weak, vulnerable, influenceable… Of course they grow up of it some day. Hopefully! But there are times, when they truly are mentally broken and work on fixing it. And at that time they read or watch twilight and maybe even like it. ;) Till the day, they find out what love is and then they start to hate it… I hope. ;)

        • Anonymous

          Well, we’re going to have to agree to disagree– because I do think the majority of teens are, and were in “my day”, mentally healthy.Besides I guess from your point of view I’d be one of these technology–exposed late–maturers, since I grew up with TV and computers, and… you know what? I just don’t think I’m “mentally broken” as a result, sorry. Nor do I believe anyone has ever been “broken” by such a thing. You could just as well say kids’ minds are “broken” by the strain of learning to read.

          Also, one of the things I do really dislike about modern society is that there’s too much encouragement to people to see themselves as victims for one reason and another (and it’s not as if most teenagers need much encouragement to see themselves as oppressed!) And of all the possible reasons for self-pity, having too comfortable a life is about the least satisfactory I’ve ever heard. I mean, really, think about it.

          I’m cool with you saying, “kids these days are too sheltered and pampered for their own good,” or whatever. But mentally broken? Sorry to be blunt, but that’s just silly.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Natalie-Wormsbecher/100000893140300 Natalie Wormsbecher

            Of course “mentally broken” is a rhetorical exaggeration. :) They are not really broken, cause then there would be bigger problems in the world, then the twilight-hype. ;) But they are somehow instable, confused, more then 20 or 30 years ago and I still think so. As I said, PCs and technology don’t break a mind obligatorily. ^^ There are people who can resist. And there are people who can’t. You may be one of the first group.I don’t say that all hope is lost. ^^ As I said, most of them grow out of it and (hopefully) become normal adults. It’s just a period of their life. And it’s maybe even necessary for them. ;)I remember myself when I was 14… I got red ears while watching someone kissing. Today 12-year-old kids have hard-core-porns on their cellphones and send them to their friends in the school yard. It’s totally ok for them… normal. And I repeat – not all teenagers are like this. But there are maaaaany… And those callous persons of course can’t tell the difference between love and sexual desire. ;)And in the end it’s just a theory… I can’t answer for the correctness. ;) It’s just what I sometimes think while thinking about twilight…

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Natalie-Wormsbecher/100000893140300 Natalie Wormsbecher

            Of course “mentally broken” is a rhetorical exaggeration. :) They are not really broken, cause then there would be bigger problems in the world, then the twilight-hype. ;) But they are somehow instable, confused, more then 20 or 30 years ago and I still think so. As I said, PCs and technology don’t break a mind obligatorily. ^^ There are people who can resist. And there are people who can’t. You may be one of the first group.I don’t say that all hope is lost. ^^ As I said, most of them grow out of it and (hopefully) become normal adults. It’s just a period of their life. And it’s maybe even necessary for them. ;)I remember myself when I was 14… I got red ears while watching someone kissing. Today 12-year-old kids have hard-core-porns on their cellphones and send them to their friends in the school yard. It’s totally ok for them… normal. And I repeat – not all teenagers are like this. But there are maaaaany… And those callous persons of course can’t tell the difference between love and sexual desire. ;)And in the end it’s just a theory… I can’t answer for the correctness. ;) It’s just what I sometimes think while thinking about twilight…

        • Anonymous

          Well, we’re going to have to agree to disagree– because I do think the majority of teens are, and were in “my day”, mentally healthy.Besides I guess from your point of view I’d be one of these technology–exposed late–maturers, since I grew up with TV and computers, and… you know what? I just don’t think I’m “mentally broken” as a result, sorry. Nor do I believe anyone has ever been “broken” by such a thing. You could just as well say kids’ minds are “broken” by the strain of learning to read.

          Also, one of the things I do really dislike about modern society is that there’s too much encouragement to people to see themselves as victims for one reason and another (and it’s not as if most teenagers need much encouragement to see themselves as oppressed!) And of all the possible reasons for self-pity, having too comfortable a life is about the least satisfactory I’ve ever heard. I mean, really, think about it.

          I’m cool with you saying, “kids these days are too sheltered and pampered for their own good,” or whatever. But mentally broken? Sorry to be blunt, but that’s just silly.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Natalie-Wormsbecher/100000893140300 Natalie Wormsbecher

        I said no such thing as “the good old days”. Haha! I’m actally not that old to say things like that. ;) In my “old days” the majority of teens was not really mentally healthy either. ;) Actually I think that through all times it is hard to find adolescents who are full aware of their feelings and have experienced such things as love. But when you grow up, you usually learn to control yourself. You make experiences and grow. Teenagers (especially today) are not able to do that. It is scientifically proven that teenagers today mature slower, than 20 or 30 years ago. Today they have access to so much information! Internet, cellphones, TV, etc. So it isn’t even necessary for them to go out and make own experiences. Most of them first start to mature, when their parents throw them out and they are forced to get a job, pay a rent, raise a family… Only then they start to make experiences aside from books, comics, TV-shows or video games…

        Of course there still are “normal” kids, which grow up without PCs or cellphones. Or even without a TV. But today this is so unusual, that they are seen as aliens. Haha! Those kids will probably even have more problems, then the “unnormal” ones. ;) I don’t say, that TV, Internet and such things destroy a mind… no. Not when you are mentally stable. But not all people are. And in the puberty the mind is weak, vulnerable, influenceable… Of course they grow up of it some day. Hopefully! But there are times, when they truly are mentally broken and work on fixing it. And at that time they read or watch twilight and maybe even like it. ;) Till the day, they find out what love is and then they start to hate it… I hope. ;)

  • illidan4ever

    Oh, and it's like this; Bella and Edward are the only ones who understand that love is all that matters and everyone else isn't worth the effort because they do not. They are the only two completely moral people on this planet. Well, that's what Bella feels. Edward just can't read her mind and he's convinced that's why. Because she's that damn awesome. So awesome that she is one with the universe. That's what it's trying to say, but in actually, their behavior controdicts this; one who is truly all loving would give anyone chance, or in the least, try to open their eyes and be as kind as possible to them. Reality, Bella is the center of the universe, not one with it. It is just a selfish teen fantasy that is pretty much harmless. In a sense, it actually is a good thing, as it gives desperate and depressed females hope. The only thing we can hope for is that it helps them grow and doesn't keep them in their grey area, but in all honestly, I can't see it doing that. They don't even understand why they like it. They know, but it's… It's just the same as being depressed.

  • http://twitter.com/carishtoteles Chris Lested

    I actually like these movie reviews a little bit more than your game reviews… i really would like to see you interview some one like you described about twighlight. that would be awesome!

  • http://twitter.com/carishtoteles Chris Lested

    dude, you mean necro… negro means black >_> (and that would be racist! omfglmaobbq :O )

  • http://twitter.com/carishtoteles Chris Lested

    they might just use the books to show the students how horrible books are like?… there still is hope!

  • http://twitter.com/epsilon246 Anthony moynagh

    You said wind is the cheapest villain possible, it's not it's shadows and as doctor who proved shadows can be absolutely terrifying.
    Bella is a bitch, the novels were badly written from the start etc. these are things that are not new. But still this so called “true” love. True love is not something that must be built it does not simply just happen. It's like a castle, you start with meeting and then flirting as the fondations and as you grow closer you build it up. True love is something that is built not materialised.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dan-Supernault/1180047559 Dan Supernault

    You know what you need Spoony? Twilight for Guys. You should check it out on Youtube XD Not only is it far better than any Twilight movie in a theater, it may emphasize why girls worship Twilight. I believe there's also a Vampires Suck movie too with Twilight being it's main target. Which I guess writes itself since Twilight seems to be such an easy series to rip apart.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1845946329 Jeran Norman

    Characteristics of Twilight fans:

    1. In a depression
    2. Has attempted suicide at least once
    3. Have parents that are constantly drunk and fighting
    4. Matted hair
    5. Three or more cats
    6. Room painted black with vampire posters on the wall
    7. In an infatuated, unstable relationship with boyfriend/girlfriend
    8. Cannot keep a steady job
    9. Reads vampire books constantly
    10. No friends.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like you’re also describing a Linkin Park fan. Same thing, I guess.

  • undeadaRTie

    I applaud.
    Your explanations sound so plausible, it's a little frightening.

  • http://twitter.com/GodhandRubedo Ted Zimmerlee

    Oh wait, think I've got an idea for worst monster villian.

    Rain.

  • highguywhorants

    i just watched spoony rant for an hour about twilight :D.

    but i feel ya though spoony. sometimes you just gotta let it all out. i totally agree with you on the point you made about bella being bland, boring, and mopey. it doesn't help though, that kristen stewart is a horrible actress who can't express any emotions whatsoever (unless you count that blank stare as an emotion).

    and to anyone who says “twilight isn't that bad”: it is that bad. it's fucking stupid. vampires do not sparkle.

  • illidan4ever

    About the weapons: the vampire's skin is diamond, no? I don't think it'd hurt them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Josh-Banks/1832614002 Josh Banks

    I can't be the only one who's just waiting for blade to be dropped in the one of films, am i?

  • http://www.youtube.com/deathwing107 deathwing107

    Kristen Stewart does show one other emotion… She orgasms for no apparent reason about every few minutes onscreen.

    Count the number of times she bites her lower lip, not just in the Twilight movies… also in her earlier work.

    • Anonymous

      i actually did see one of her early movies.. it was a lifetime movie where she plays a freshman in highschool who gets raped by an older guy. it is the exact same role as bella – mopey, little to no emotion, etc. and to think that in roughly 10 years her acting hasn’t improved at all is mindblowing. but yeah i think i know what you mean about that “biting her lip” thing cuz she does it alot in twilight and im pretty sure she did it in this lifetime movie everytime the older guys hit on her (pre-raped of course). i suppose it’s her “go to” move?

      • Anonymous

        Oddly enough, it worked in Adventureland.

      • Anonymous

        Oddly enough, it worked in Adventureland.

  • http://twitter.com/taureleafsilver Laura Bramblette

    This….it all makes sense. And I am more disturbed for it.

    BTW anyone who hate Twilight should read Terry Pratchett's “Carpe Jugular.” There is a beautiful subplot that plays out the “Vampire like her because he can't read her mind” manipulative, idea. 20 years previous and written by a genius.

  • Kaishai

    You know, having read just the first book, I thought the character of Edward had potential. Up until the massive idiocy of having a man over a hundred years old mistake a teenage lust-crush for love, he could've been a complex character. One of his reasons for being fixated on Bella is kind of meaningful.

    He can't read her mind. (Arguably because there's nothing there.) Everyone else in the whole wide world is an open book to him. Bella has the dual attractions of being one of a kind and holding some mystery. I get his obsessing on that. Here is one woman, the woman, with whom he could actually have some kind of equality; one-sided mindreading makes that impossible. Here is a woman whose deeper layers and thoughts he can discover over time. Here's someone who can hold secrets from him. Of course he's fixed on her. After a hundred years of no mystery in life, I might be too. It's tragic that she's so vapid there's not much worthwhile to discover, and you could make a great Twilight Zone episode out of that–Edward gets his heart's desire but it's as fatally flawed as a Monkey's Paw wish.

    I swear there's the barest bones of a good story in there, only Meyer has him proclaiming true love everlasting and all the Cullens believing it and *ugh*.

  • http://www.facebook.com/NoctumRaven Erin Kollar

    OMG! So it isn't just me who hates Twilight being called a Saga in me New Moon review (and I believe in me Breaking Dawn review, I think) I made sure to stay away from calling it a saga.

  • http://twitter.com/Unashamed17 Heather Young

    According to what I've read about the series, Bella's essential lack of personality is part of the success–because young girls can inject themselves into the fantasy, “become” Bella and have Edward for themselves, because they can superimpose their own interests and personality onto her. This was said in regard to the books, but it applies to the movies too. And I agree that that is a terrible, terrible way to write a so-called “character.” It's kind of an insult to all of the good writers out there who have worked so hard to build complex, interesting, relatable characters that audiences can connect to.

    “Anna Kendrick is right across the table…slumming being in this movie. Did you see her in “Up in the Air”?” Thank you! I haven’t seen “Up in the Air” yet, but I’m looking forward to it. I’m actually glad Anna Kendrick is in these movies, even though she’s better than this—she’s a lovely breath of fresh air (both to look at, and to enjoy as an actress).

  • http://twitter.com/Unashamed17 Heather Young

    According to what I've read about the series, Bella's essential lack of personality is part of the success–because young girls can inject themselves into the fantasy, “become” Bella and have Edward for themselves, because they can superimpose their own interests and personality onto her. This was said in regard to the books, but it applies to the movies too. And I agree that that is a terrible, terrible way to write a so-called “character.” It's kind of an insult to all of the good writers out there who have worked so hard to build complex, interesting, relatable characters that audiences can connect to.

    “Anna Kendrick is right across the table…slumming being in this movie. Did you see her in “Up in the Air”?” Thank you! I haven’t seen “Up in the Air” yet, but I’m looking forward to it. I’m actually glad Anna Kendrick is in these movies, even though she’s better than this—she’s a lovely breath of fresh air (both to look at, and to enjoy as an actress).

  • http://www.facebook.com/otakugal15 Shannon Leonard

    Just so you know, not all of girls worship that god awful shit. Actually, it's been quite some time since I last picked up a vampire novel. I've lost all interest because of this series. *sigh*

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/William-Shelton-Brown/1587610163 William Shelton Brown

    Ashley Greene is the hottest chick in these movies, and she actually makes me interested in her character. Her and the General Patton vampire need their own movie.

  • http://twitter.com/Unashamed17 Heather Young

    Sorry about that double comment, Spoony–accident.
    By the way: you're right: the Vampire Politics stuff is more interesting than the romance. Several characters in this series are more interesting than Edward and Bella, including Rosalie, who was the blond Vamp in the movie who murdered her fiance when she was turned into a Vampire after being gang raped by him and his friends. Really. And that gets a few minutes in a two hour film. Rosalie should have had a whole book to herself.

  • http://twitter.com/NivvyDaSkrl Zachary Wilson

    I know there's a smart British guy in the Flagstaff area. He's not a cinema guy by any means — he's actually big into AI and neuroscience — but he exists. Steve Grand.

  • arcanedude34

    We've saved Angry Joe, now you have to watch Avatar, Spoony.

  • saint23thomas

    Well, Spoony, if you want to get inside the head of a Twilight fan, I suggest consulting the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit.

  • arcanedude34

    I'm not qualified in any way, but I'd be willing to put on the brainy specs and give my best smart-guy impersonation in attempt to analyze this series.

  • http://twitter.com/Cptfantabulous1 Fergus macpherson

    Unrelated to this but I am amzed this seems to have passed you by, Uwe Boll has made a “good” movie called Rampage. It sure as hell aint fantastic but it was entertaining and not in the “so bad its good” way but actually enjoyable to watch.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Laura-Davies/1397061595 Laura Davies

    It's not just literature you need to consider when tackling a series such as this. For me as an animation director, plot has always been key, otherwise, what's the point of writing a book or filming a movie? You might as well read the phone book as it has more substance than this series.

    The problem honestly stems from what Western culture endorses in the impressionable public these days, and that goes not from just media, but also the family life.

    In my futile attempts to prove to some hardcore Twilight fans that this series is not only an insult to writing, but an insult to human intelligence and an insult to life itself, I started making some comparisons. Every single person I have talked to who has adored Twilight, is incredibly unsatisfied with their real life, even before these books existed. They were all single before the books came out, all had some social qualm they could not overcome and all suffered from When Will Mr. Right Come Along. I've also noticed that every person who has adored Twilight also lacks integrity, originality and willingness to be themselves rather than form as a clique or be one of them to feel whole.

    With these books, the problem is that Meyer has created a central character whom is not only completely blank, but even goes as far as being abhored by the audience once they come to realize her putrid methods of gaining attention, just so this obsessive, yearning reader can go “oh, I'm so much better than Bella”. It's confirmation bias in its pure and horrifying form.

    I'm more than willing to sit down with you and crack this batch of bad eggs because I've also been searching for the truth and have only grasped at threads.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=776013149 Lea Rojas

    For the love of God, watch the Avatar series first then that piece of shit movie. Please if only to understand why everyone is so pissed at this movie.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Donovan-S-Bowker/607168099 Donovan S Bowker

    last airbender aint really Anime, was made in america afterall and seems to have a lot of western style humour rather than eastern

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zach-Helton/1641829796 Zach Helton

    Speaking on the subject of Vampire politics and how interesting they are can be, you should play Vampire: The Requiem at some point, it's part of whit wolfs world of darkness pen/paper games and are pretty much just made for that kind of game

  • http://twitter.com/pontifus Pontifus

    As an English grad student who has talked at length about Twilight to other English grad students, some of whom plan to earn at least a little of their tenure dealing with contemporary literary and social issues, I can tell you that, nope, it doesn't make any goddamn sense to us, either.

    • saint23thomas

      I’ve heard that some teachers/professors have used the Twilight books in their classes as examples of bad writing.

      • http://twitter.com/pontifus Pontifus

        Not sure how true this is (my teachers are mostly the more traditional sort who would prefer to pretend that Twilight doesn’t exist), but my friends and I all agree that the writing is awful purely from a technical standpoint. The problem with using it as an example of truly bad writing, though, is that the damn things actually sold -.-

        • saint23thomas

          The supermarket tabloid “The Sun” also sells, but that doesn’t make it good journalism.

      • http://twitter.com/pontifus Pontifus

        Not sure how true this is (my teachers are mostly the more traditional sort who would prefer to pretend that Twilight doesn’t exist), but my friends and I all agree that the writing is awful purely from a technical standpoint. The problem with using it as an example of truly bad writing, though, is that the damn things actually sold -.-

  • ThePaperLady

    In the interest of fairness, love doesn't need to have a reason in all situations, nor does it need to be based on common interests. The lack of an obvious reason for their relationship (aside from, you know, screwing) isn't really enough to say that it has no meaning. By which I suppose I mean that, if it was handled by someone who knew what they were doing, I think the basic relationship (without the stalking, maybe) could actually be somewhat believable. But really, neither the movies nor the books give anything further than that, which bothers me, because I do believe someone could pull it off well if they really tried. I don't know why I feel compelled to defend the premise, and I in no way consider myself a fan, but I just think in better hands it could have been halfway decent. And hell, even wanting to be a vampire so she'll stay attractive to him could have been chalked up to low self-esteem and fear of being abandoned, if we had been given some insight into her past/mind/fears/something. Because I think a low self image could explain a feeling of not being good enough for someone you care for, and a desire to try and be 'good enough'. However, we could have been given a reason to think she has some sort of self image problems (let's say… bullying when she was younger? I'd be willing to buy that), but without that background it really does come across as very petty. It really would have worked better if the character was actually recognized as having some serious mental health issues that lead to her being a bitch, and who knows, maybe that could have actually been interesting to see how the people around her coped.

    In terms of feeling for the characters, I guess I can say I've always liked Jacob's character to an extent (originally because he reminded me of my best friend ^^; and then because I can related to that whole 'hopeless crush on a moron who just doesn't get it' thing), but he really sounds like an ass in this one. Great, the movies have messed up the one character who I even began to like. Pah.

    Is it just me, or does the spooning scene seem like something out of a fanfic? No disrespect to fanfic writers (I've written one or two in my time), but those sort of situations aren't exactly uncommon among the pairing fics. ;P

    Really though, you hit the nail on the head about the harlequin romance style story. Really, people, go watch a soap opera. And in terms of Edward's appearance? From my perspective as a female, I'll say… He's not really all that bad looking, but he is indeed funny looking with the makeup. And not even charmingly funny looking, just… weird.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Valentine/100000464108129 Chris Valentine

    The thing about future-seeing characters is that you have to know how to handle them. In the Night Angel Trilogy (a great series, check it out) there is a main character who can see the different path of the future. But they barely ever say what he sees. And what they do say is encrypted enough to make it awesome. Speaking of which, the Director of this piece of shit is making the movie for said series. Can't wait to see how they fuck it up.

  • sniktbub

    I'll tell you the reason why Twilight is so popular: kids these days are stupid as hell. That's all there is to it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Simon-Heath/652987645 Simon Heath

    Twilight, a movie about a womans choice between bestiality and necrophilia.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/C3ZQIIUCCTP5JL5JFVKD6WTNQ4 Alexandra

    I was going to write a whole big thing but i leave you with a warning, Jacob gets far more creepy in the next book. you thought it was bad here, this is tame compared to who creepy he gets later

  • http://www.facebook.com/otakugal15 Shannon Leonard

    Oh god wow. Hilarious review. I kind of wanna go see it with my friend who can get me in free JUST so I can see all the other crazy women react to this thing and me going, “Really? REALLY?”

    …..wind? *facepalm*

    Sorry to burst your bubble (at least for now, i dunno if it'll change) but I did see something on Breaking Dawna that they STILL will keep the PG-13 rating. I personally call bullshit on that cause I know what goes on in that book and there's NO WAY they can keep it to that rating. They WILL however break it into two parts, a la Deathly Hallows.

    Now, I'm off to see Cinema Snob's reviews.

  • http://twitter.com/Simriel Colin Reilly

    Dud Battery Man. He throws dud batteries at you.

  • http://twitter.com/SteveSkuby Steven Skubish

    Andy Griffith on the Andy Griffith show is pretty manipulating.

  • resulka

    Wasn't that already villianized in Heavy Rain?

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/QMO5M5G2TV46VT6QIZYHZEQUXA Joe

    Nicely said, although the typo in your last paragraph “Avatar the animated series ist good.” confused me a bit into thinking you didn't like the show, and as such, were a terrible person. Glad to see you're not.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Natalie-Wormsbecher/100000893140300 Natalie Wormsbecher

      Oh, sorry… I fixed it. ^-^d

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Natalie-Wormsbecher/100000893140300 Natalie Wormsbecher

      Oh, sorry… I fixed it. ^-^d

  • http://shadowdancersworldo.blip.tv/ Shadowdancer21b

    I always think she's on the verge of nausea.

  • theInsaneArtist

    I can probably help with the analyzing if you need someone, as I have already done some character analysis attempts on my own (I'm working on my Theatre major, and can ask a few professors to help or be interviewed. I also know a few people in the field that I can ask, if you're interested. Don't know if they'd say yes but it never hurts to ask. ) I have a few theories about Twilight, which may or maynot change when I actually get around to watching the second and third movie and read the third and fourth book, which for me should take about a day and a half to three days depending on what else I have to do. (I'm trying to avoid spending any more money on this, which seems to be increasingly unavoidable.)

    Basically, Twilight is fanfiction without the proviously extablished characters, which is why it is so bad. I agree with what Heather Young said, that people enjoy it because they can easily put themselves in place of the characters since, as you put it, they are 'blank sheets' with no defining personality. Why people enjoy the story can be answered simmilarly as to why people enjoy romance or fantasy stories; it's a fantasy, something different than their actual life, and it's an adventure that enables people to join in to another's imagination world. (I hope that makes some sense, as that's the condensed version of my musings.)

    As to why people are going bonkers over this partucular series instead of a legitametely good fantasy, vampire and werewolf romance series (like, say, Sherrylin Kenyon's Dark-Hunter series that is not only better written but longer, has more variation in stories and characters, and a continuous yet separate plotline that actually accomplishes something in each story. Or the Moondog trilogy by Henry Garfield, which has a detective mystery with werewolves) I'm still fine-tuning my theories for that answer. Like I said, I'm working on getting my hands on copies of the movies and books, and the last time I asked at the local library the waiting list was about five months. Granted that was about a year ago, but I died a little inside, and am afraid of repeating the experience.

  • http://shadowdancersworldo.blip.tv/ Shadowdancer21b

    Bella Swan is a Mary Sue. She is a self-insert of the author and by extension the audience. We are supposed to want to be her. Have an attractive immortal, wealthy, indestructable lover who is devoted to us and can and will give us everything we want, and we even get to become immortal and beautiful ourselves! Hooray!

  • Phrederic

    Nah, it's just that now, we see how stupid the kids are.

  • Phrederic

    It's about vampire politics…so it's boring, dull and pointless? Seriously, vampire, not a good game.

  • Phrederic

    The Korean pop star who was in Ninja Assassin?

    • Anonymous

      As a separate character or playing Japanese?

    • Anonymous

      As a separate character or playing Japanese?

  • http://twitter.com/redviv Vivi Roth

    That's the whole deal. Can't be stated often enough for how right it is.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Laura-Olivier-Riddle/1442473329 Laura Olivier Riddle

    Hey man, I'm one year away from finishing my English BA w/Creative Writing and planning on publishing a short story that does deal with romance/love/blah, and working on a fantasy novel too.
    I could help with character analysis as well as figure out the audience of Twilight, since Meyer says she writes for herself only and only considers herself as the audience. It could be an interesting to pick at how the deepest and darkest things in Meyer can strike a chord in so many people!

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/QMO5M5G2TV46VT6QIZYHZEQUXA Joe

    Just adding my name to the list of people who would love to watch a documentary (especially one by you) on why the fuck people like Twilight. I know, I know, Bella's a Mary Sue, but there has to be more to it than that! I was recommended the books before I knew a thing about them by an ex-girlfriend. I made it up to vampire baseball before giving up. I also watched the first movie. I made it to vampire baseball before exploding and going out for a cigarette, and I quit smoking prior to that God damn movie!

    Also, and this is something that drives me fucking INSANE with the movies – liking “music” is not something you can bond over. That's like liking “things that smell good” or “yummy food”. MAYBE if there's a specific band you can mutually obsess over you could form some sort of relationship around it. It certain wouldn't be a healthy relationship, but you could at least have something. Liking “music” has got to be the vaguest, most bass-akwards thing to unite over EVER. Oh, and sorry to say it, but yes, you do need SOME common ground in a relationship and shared interests. At least if you want something to last, and since Bella and Eddie get married, I assume that's their end game. I mean honestly, what are they even going to talk about post-Breaking Dawn? Their entire well of topics for debate/discussion is gone- marriage, sex, vampirism, although I suppose they could talk about how much they enjoy vague MUSIC.

    PS: Avatar isn't an anime, in case you missed it the first 50 times someone said it, but it is heavily inspired by the East, what with the art style, the anime emotes, and fighting (which is all based on real martial arts), etc. Take some time, watch the toon, then watch the movie, if you want to do a unique and good review of it. It'd be cool to see a reviewer with real insight into the source material tackle this abomination. Hell, if you wait long enough the DVD'll be out and you can even splice in some clips from it vs. clips from the show (note: all three seasons are now available through Netflix for streaming).

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/FKCHJK6OAI2K2JAGHJ7SM5MJRU James

    Sweet merciful god, I finally get it. The entire story is written by someone who has no understanding of human emotion(in addition to no concept of how to tell a story). The people who eat this stuff up are the more ignorant members of the Emo/wanna-be goth pseudo-cultures who just don't know about the good stories/shows out there that would give them what the Twilight series was *supposed* to, but fails to, provide.

    • Anonymous

      That’s sure a lot of them to allow such a franchise to get Burger King endorsements.

    • Anonymous

      That’s sure a lot of them to allow such a franchise to get Burger King endorsements.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Novak83 Ed Novak

    I know, I know, this has been said 100+ times by now, but Avatar: TLA isn't an anime, it's a fully American cartoon with an Asian influenced art style, and seriously, dude, it is SO GOOD.

    I'm not going to go all pleading fanboy on you, but I swear to you as a loyal fan, the show is awesome and you are really denying yourself a great experience by not watching it.

    (I'll admit that the first several episodes are kinda iffy, but it picks up big time towards the end of season one and never stops getting better.)

  • http://twitter.com/BonezCollector Johanna Pape

    Listening to my sister wax poetic about Twilight and trying to convince me to read the books ('Bella is a normal girl, JUST LIKE US!!'), it sounds like the appeal is Bella having no personality; you just insert yourself into her role. So it's sort of a choose your own adventure, but without the choosing…Or the adventure…Choose your own self-insertion vampire fanfic? I guess the movie just gives people the visuals they were craving. I haven't read the books myself though so I'm just guessing too, but I'm with you on going to see the 4th movie! I haven't seen the others, but hearing about the 4th book has me excited to see the movie! However, I'll probably get beat up by my friends who love Twilight if I go with them and heckle… ; )

  • http://www.facebook.com/andreas.puhl Andreas Puhl

    I dont think its surprising at all that both Bella and Edward are bland and non-characterized. You ask for things they have in common or for things Bella is interested in. There is no such thing – By design.
    I personally think the appeal of these characters and the whole series to so many fans is that they can project themselves onto them. The vaguer Bella is, the more a female onlooker can project her own crap onto her, the vaguer Edward is the more she can glue the foto of a guy she fancies on him. The supporting cast is fleshed out, they are not supposed to be canvases for the watcher, but the main characters most definitaly are.
    I think that is a very cheap way of character design, almost like cheating. Instead of carving an interesting, likeable character with definite proportions you make these faceless mannequins, just to appeal to the lowest denominator. It does work obviously for a lot of people, others see through that or just feel it without taking expressed note – building the vast amounts of people being annoyed with this series.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mikael-Halling/613311867 Mikael Halling

    hello from Mikael the Sweeed

    I have not seen the movie´s atm , but for every movie that comes out , i just feel less about watching them. It just feels so strange the hole thing , story , glowing / glittering in sun. Just .. strange , or maybe i am just to mutch stuck in old vampyre movies / lore . In Games & Movies , strange .. just strange

    Goodnight

    Sweed

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bill-Newman/574558877 Bill Newman

    British guy with an A-level in English literature to the rescue (One new arsehole coming right up):
    Twilight's appeal is that of a conformity hub.
    It's written by a 36 year old version of the rabid teenaged slash-fic writer, the sort who writes in horrible cookie cutter characters with overblown attributes.
    Meyer has admitted that she'd leave her husband for these characters were they real.
    What Meyer did was get all those rabid slash-fic fans and give them a socially established monolith to worship, like if the cult of Dagon worshipped “My Immortal.”
    The characters that make up the Twilight love trio are mary sues of varying degrees, with Edward as the bishonen sex object with a dark past and Bella as the shameless self-insertion author avatar for the sex object to try and slip the bone to.
    Jacob is more of an ego stroker character to put across supposedly how appealing Bella, and by proxy Meyer, is.
    Thus why Jacob is treated as little more than a pseudo-rapist, as to broadcast just how sexually compelling this character is to us, in this author's head at least.

    Periphery characters such as the rest of the Cullens and the school pupils are present as a scene setting device and to pad the books out because chances are Meyer has a lot of quotas to fill to get her paycheck.
    The cullens are a pacing tool to make us forget how bloody repetitive the leads are, particularly with Meyer's unquestionable one true couple of Edward and Bella, who as mentioned have had the same conversation somewhere in the region of 2 dozen times.
    The school pupils are used to denote Bella's apparent appeal to men and the adversity she faces from the women due to her piss-thin character. The female extras are themselves a shallow hivemind of wannabe trophy wives in training that would be used as a piss take of the Twilight fandom in any credible work, but as we all know Meyer probably thinks Ironic is a synonym of ferrous.
    The voltari are likely a gimmick to create marketing suspense to sell more books and movie tickets, as well as expys of Anne Rice's vampires, a sort of manifestation of the masquerade, the beat sticks of the vampiric status quo, which would likely be used to parody those who mark themselves amongst the anti-fandom, a sort of creativity crusher clan, or at least it would in a more intelligent work.
    The new borns exist purely to supply antagonists because every literary plot and indeed every instinct outside of biological utopia revolves around conflict, and somebody must have drilled it into Meyer's head that no one wants to read about two idiots arguing over who loves the other more for hours on end.

    In short, twilight exists because Meyer is having a mid-life crisis and is trying to live her fantasies and make a living off a book series denoting her avatar's sexual conquests.
    The fandom exists because they're just as shallow as she is and they've finally found a socially acceptable bastion to rally around, causing a memetic fandom that is popular because it is socially acceptable and acceptable because it's popular.
    I'm Bill Newman,
    The Illustrated Misanthrope,
    Wishing the rest of you poor bastards all the best.

    • Anonymous

      Just a little nitpick here: I think the slash-fangirls are probably a different crowd. Well, some of them might go both ways but most of the ones I know really prefer their male/male-porn. They’re probably somewhere in the background, shipping Edward with Jacob. At least my flatmate who’s a huge slash-fangirl said that if there was any couple she could like in this series, it’d be Edward/Jacob.

      Well, that’s just my personal experience, of course… Just, wanted to point it out because Twilight kind of goes against the whole “slash” part. But female fanficcers, definitely, a huge part of them are probably Twitards, specifically the hetero romance fans.

      But yeah, that’s all. Otherwise a fine ripping of Twilight, my good man. The Anne Rice reference was a good point, I hadn’t thought about it before.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=611579271 Matt Browning

      Not exactly an A level in English Literature here, but I do have a rather literary mind. I have a cloying, sneaking respect for Ms. Meyer for one reason. She writes to a base. And she writes astonishingly well what they’re after. I don’t believe she is one of those slash-fic kinda people. I think she just knows what they want and, as a crack dealer might, provides the drug.
      As an author and a real person, I hate her. A lot. But as a published writer – small-time but nonetheless – I feel I have to give her the most minute amount of credit for, I believe, writing like a crazy psycho bitch, without perhaps being one. She knows what her audience is after, and manages to do precisely what they want.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1498915683 Andrew Boyce

      Directed to another audience? Doesn’t change it’s shitty writing. This is Andrew’s words of confucianism.

  • BassForever

    I guess I'm the only middle ground on the planet. I read the first book and I didn't hate it (the movie sucked) but I didn't love it. It was just okay.

  • VanHelgen

    You can really see Spoony is trying to piece this whole thing together.. You are doing pretty good (I certainly wouldn't be able to do better) I'm just glad i never watched one of these movies. First i just couldn't believe that some people actually thought this could be a good idea, but when i actually spoke to some people who liked the movie (this is from when the first one came out) i thought to myself “Could it really be that this movie could be good?”. Luckily i didn't give them a try.. i would certainly have regretted it, and i remember my sister borrowing me this movie saying “You should try to see it” (But to be fair she only liked it for the fight scenes.. even though they are way to fast like Spoony says seen one myself) I might even still have it lying around somewhere. It's kinda sad i that i hate this “Saga” (I'm as annoyed by that is as Spoony is) without ever having seen it.. but i just wont believe that these are good movies.. People should never have thought this would be a good idea..

  • http://twitter.com/Jensonb Paul Douglas

    I would go see a Spoony “Twilight Phenomenon” Documentary in the theatre. Do it Noah! Get it done!

  • Salenstormwing

    There's better stuff in the romance aisle of the book store than this stuff?

    Have you been to the book store lately, and specifically the romance aisle? You walk down that aisle, and you'll be shocked all the book about vampires, and werewoles, and creatures of the night. It's really… really annoying. My Sci-Fi/Fantasy section got co-oped by the Romance section.

    Seriously, I want my Sci-Fi/Fantasy section of the book store back.

  • Homncruse

    I could explain it to you Spoony, but I don't think the comment section would be an appropriate forum.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rodrigo.ibarra3 Rodrigo Ibarra

    You masturbating as a lady was hilarious!! FUCK I MUST SEE THAT FILM ON THEATER

  • http://www.facebook.com/rodrigo.ibarra3 Rodrigo Ibarra

    Fuck that as amazingly funny… Specially you touching yourself as a lady…
    However I must add that this movie is softporn for little girls… Go figure…

  • ssjsuperman

    This was a long funny and interesting review I cant wait for the air bender review and you should really check out the show its great and its not a anime.

  • hybrid1486

    Has anybody done a review of The Room? I would love to see Spoony take that one on

  • http://cassave.deviantart.com/ Cassavius

    The Voltari is the Camarilla then?

  • http://cassave.deviantart.com/ Cassavius

    D'you really want to put him through that?

    Oh, hi sidewalk…

  • Dopatoka

    The villain in the movie The Fog was ghost pirate in the fog, needless to say the fog was the star of this film

  • http://www.facebook.com/Linbot3000 Linop Serrano

    The next villain….
    PENCIL SHAVINGS O_o!!!

  • http://twitter.com/gabycullen21296 gaby cervantes

    “julia” lol ROSALIE
    bella and edward both like wuthering hieghts and claire de lune. they both want to be 2gether forever…….-_-
    they r both old fashioned and modern.
    edward likes the piano. he even made a lullaby for bella with his piano :P
    weapons are useless again vampires not to mention new borns the only thing th@ can destroy a vampire(since they're already died) is another vampire or werewolves and their teeth. “rip them apart and burn the pieces”.
    sometimes it's into 1 ear and out the other with u isnt it? jp
    “fucking rapist” lol XD jacob needs a life…….&——–(his imprint) has to deal with all this bullshit especially his “your the only one for me bella” jacob is a self-righteous bastard
    BELLA IS A WHORE!!!!!!!!!! ugh >:P
    GREAT REVIEW SPOONY!!!!!!!! :D

  • Ithilgore

    No doubt in over 300 comments you've been told countless times, but Avatar isn't an anime, it's an American cartoon. It has some inspiration from anime, but it's definitely Western (despite the Eastern theme and basis).

    Also it's very much worth watching, though I know you probably won't. Just keep in mind that the show is fantastic when you see the film, and that the film is extreme adaption decay, an insult to the show.

    • Anonymous

      Ok, so just because a cartoon is made in America it’s not an anime, even though it obviously is an anime? Isn’t anime a art style rather than a indication of where something was made? It’s like saying that rock n roll can only be made in America.

      • Anonymous

        Anime is a term for Japanese Animation. It has nothing to do with a style, just that it’s an animation made in Japan.

        If it isn’t made in Japan, it isn’t anime, if it is, it’s anime. Anime in Japan just means animation, it refers simply to an animated production made in Japan. That’s it.

        Any style or whatever has nothing to do with it.

  • http://twitter.com/queenanthai Dayna Abel

    I cannot direct you firmly enough to Cleolinda Jones. @cleolinda on Twitter. Trust me, she's on top of this shit.

  • http://twitter.com/withmyredhair Julia Steincross

    Damn straight Anna Kendrick is an amazing actress. She's also the second-youngest person to have ever been nominated for a Tony Award (back in the 90s). Girl's got talent.

    She and Michael Sheen (the “endlessly amused by his wickedness” Aro) are the only people compelling me to watch these movies sometime in the future. Well, that and Rifftrax…and your vlogs on them.

  • dwang123

    Twilight addicts should have a new shorter moniker to identify them. Hmm how about the first two letters of twilight and the first and last letters of addict that should do it I proclaim hence forth that they be known as Twats.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bill-Newman/574558877 Bill Newman

    On the 'weapons don't work' avenue of thought, I'd like to point out that it's wholly impractical if that were the case.
    Weapons exist primarily as a way of extending reach, momentum, pressure in accordance to surface area and leverage.
    There's nothing to say the Voltari, who are noted as ancient and as having killed many other vampires and werewolves that threatened the masquerade, from pillaging the crypts of those they've slaughtered and using the materials (the supposed vampiric/lycan bane materials which alone can penetrate their flesh) to make weapons such as the macuahuitl or even refining the materials into amunition (even if it means re-rifling a gun with said materials).

    The tactics described are nothing short of an abortion of strategy, and anyone with even cadet level military training knows that an ambush is best arranged anywhere but an open field (barring spider hole utilisation.)

    Oh and a little bit of info on the actor who plays Cullen, Robert Pattinson.
    He despises the series.
    And due to the fandom he has a bunch of fangirls chasing him asking him to drink their blood.
    The poor bastard is now petrified of catching a blood-borne disease such as Hepatitis or HIV.
    And this happens when he intentionally plays the character as an unlikable sociopath.

  • http://gerardoritchey.net Gerardo Ritchey

    Hey, Spoony. It's not a series. It's a Saga.

  • saint23thomas

    Please, Andy had nothing on Aunt Bea.

  • http://twitter.com/gabycullen21296 gaby cervantes

    breaking dawn will be made into 2 movies part 1 is gana be bella human part 2 will be bella as a vampire breaking dawn part 1:november 18 2011

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/GJD6KMPFMNNIHFKRN6FI76P5KA Allison

    The blankness of the characters might be why the series are so popular. They don't have much definition as people, so the reader can just imagine themselves as the male or female character. In fanfics it's what's called a Self Insert (SI).

  • kingcobra40

    Last Air Bender gave me new respect for Haley Joel Osment, because in Air Bender the guy from Slumdog does a good job, everyone else.. not so much. It's like you give Shyamalan a good actor and he won't fuck up their performance, but you give him someone who can't act he can't do anything for them.

  • kingcobra40

    Last Air Bender gave me new respect for Haley Joel Osment, because in Air Bender the guy from Slumdog does a good job, everyone else.. not so much. It's like you give Shyamalan a good actor and he won't fuck up their performance, but you give him someone who can't act he can't do anything for them.

    And yes the next twilight could be epic, still bad, but epic.

  • http://twitter.com/kitkatachu Jessica Cain

    I think part of it has to do with the points that's already been said.. and the other has to do with the media hype. It calls out these women who otherwise would have hidden under a rock. Another issue came from when the last book got leaked on the internet before the release. It created more hype.

    To be honest, it's really no different from many other cultural phenomenons except that the people who know it's bullshit have as big of a voice at the people who worship it. Think about other phenomenons like Nintendo in the 80s and 90s. Yes, they produced some great stuff, but then they also produced a lot of shit that people thought they were awesome for owning (ala the power glove).

    Yeah, I know, bashing Nintendo is sacrilig, but think about it for a moment. Do you think games about some italian plumber going to save a princess from a giant spikey turtle would fly nowadays if the franchise hadn't already been established?

  • batlashes

    Buffy already did the whole cockteased vampire schtick for years with Angel's curse of turning back to a normal vampire the moment he is 'truly happy'

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/QMO5M5G2TV46VT6QIZYHZEQUXA Joe

    What the fuck is this? Is this a troll? Are you defending Twilight? Mocking its fanbase? Help, I need an adult!

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/QMO5M5G2TV46VT6QIZYHZEQUXA Joe

    True, but Angel would lose his soul and turn evil. Edward would.. uhm.. piss off Joseph Smith or something?

  • Sudowoodo

    I know this has probably has been said many times by now, but if you are going to see the Avatar movie, please watch the show, at least a few episodes.

    First off, it's a western cartoon with anime influences, and yet it's better than just about every anime I've see with something along the lines of the same subject matter in over 10 years or more. It looks less like your typical anime style and more along the lines of something Miyazaki would come up with.

    I've only seen most of the first season at this point, and already I can tell you that my assumptions of it being a bad kids show were completely wrong. I'd even argue that it's one of the best actions cartoons since The Batman Animated Series. The characters are likable, it's funny, it's pretty subtle about everything does, and IT'S WELL ANIMATED, unlike about 90% of anime.

    Please Spooney, just check it out.

  • Sudowoodo

    I know this has probably has been said many times by now, but if you are going to see the Avatar movie, please watch the show, at least a few episodes.

    First off, it's a western cartoon with anime influences, and yet it's better than just about every anime I've see with something along the lines of the same subject matter. It looks less like your typical anime style and more along the lines of something Miyazaki would come up with.

    I've only seen most of the first season at this point, and already I can tell you that my assumptions of it being a bad kids show were completely wrong. I'd even argue that it's one of the best actions cartoons since The Batman Animated Series. The characters are likable, it's funny, it's pretty subtle about everything does, and IT'S WELL ANIMATED, unlike about 90% of anime.

    Please Spooney, just check it out.

  • quadraxis14

    Oh lord, Marky Mark The Happening impression would be nothing short of genius, please do this thing for us oh Spoony One.

  • TheCynicalReaper

    There is no “truth”, mate. Twilight does well because it has vampires, werewolves, and perpetual sexual tension. It feeds into the minds of [i]girls[/i] (because “women” is a term I use for adult females who utilize their intellect, at least enough to recognize manipulative tripe and stay away from it and it's self-induced brainwashed fandome). It cradles their hormonal desires to be hungered by men far superior in power (be it physical or wealthy….or both) to other men, allowing them to envision themselves as a Cleopatra-esque “goddess among mortals”.

    -I hear you asking, “But a lot of other romance novels do that. Isn't there more?”

    Well, yes, there is. [b]MARKETING[/b]. You see, with Twilight's debut onto the shelves it was said far and wide that it was a “unique kind of romance novel” because it “appealed to both the female as well as male demographic”. Every boy (because “man” is a term I use for adult males who yadda yadda [i]all that jazz[/i]) who read the novel said that it was actually “different”, mainly because it had “violence and vampires/monsters”. But, this was all in the marketing, mate, for there's been countless titles involving a romance with a supernatural being (hell, what about that one immortal flick “Ghost”?). It was just noticed more with these novels because of the, and say it with me now, [u]hype[/u].

    So, there you go. An educated diagnosis of this pandemic. Stephane Meyer is a sh@t novelist, but she knows how to utilize her earnings, and she knows how well even a practically unknown romance novel sells. Great works of literature gather dust across the United States and beyond while “To Love a Horse Wrangler” gets it's sixth literary award. Couple the market's bias for romance novels with a woman (romance novels sell BIG when a woman's behind them. Did I forget to mention that?) who knows where to go to lay her cash down, and you've got the Twilight uprising in a nutshell.

    [I have studied literature in most all its forms as well as the market for almost a decade, Majored in Journalism in college (wish it was Creative Writing, but you take what you get), and I have three short stories waiting to be published]

  • batlashes

    I can't respond to that without spoiling later Twilight series plot for some people xD

  • Iaro

    Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth for the motherfucking win. Seriously, Spoony, you should assemble some kind of literary panel to discuss how the Twilight 'saga' relates to the Hero's Journey and all the usual patterns stories go through. (I'd gladly volunteer my theory on how the Vampire Family represents the archetypal Mormon family and cosmology, but I'm sure that's been done before.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/Sinfulroses Ashley Brackbill

    I can't believe people will go nuts for this and wanting a relationship like Bella and Edward. Some of these fans are just batshits crazy and finding ways to relate or design their lives after these characters. I can't say much in this comment but can we have a party when these movies are all over?

    I'm not sure how long it will be until her other books The Host, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, and Prom Nights from Hell take flight……………I'm half afraid to see how those books are and that The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner is another twilight book that is about a minor character from breaking dawn, I think. I have no idea and I might not want to know.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Zapetis/24410085 Nick Zapetis

    Hey Spoony et. all, Long-time watcher first time poster here, thought I might share my thoughts regarding anti-vampire tactics with the class.
    Now, I am an avid gamer and game designer, and most of the fellows here should be able to relate on this level. As such, I”ll be using games as a medium to express these tactics. Namely, through the use of Dungeons and Dragons (3.5, but applies to most editions), and White Wolf's system, Vampire the Masqurade.
    First, I recently ran for my gaming group a famous DnD module, “Expedition to Castle Ravenloft” which, when designed in the 1970's, had the sole purpose of making the vampire archetype scary again. I point this out because the villain is an ancient, Dracula-esque vampire whom at the start of the adventure could easily just cause a TPK from all the years he spent studying dark magics and honing his evil powers. And, to not throw out too many spoilers, he has a vampire minion who is a barbarian, using his undead immunity to fatigue to throw himself into a constant, penalty-free rage for as long as possible. This supports Spoony's two points that Elder Vampires are more powerful and that their undead can be used to grant them superior advantages.
    Which brings us to White Wolf's offering. Now, I know that Vampire: The Masquerade is not the most recent edition of the World of Darkness engine, but it is the one I am most familiar with and it has many video game adaptations which stay (withing varying degrees) truthful to the source. In terms of the Mythos of World of Darkness universe, I gotta say I like what they offer. The game itself… well, I'm not here to discuss the mechanics, I'll leave that to the scholars. In this universe (referred to as WoD henceforth), all vampires are abnormally resistant to mundane things like bullets and blunt weapons. Bladed weapons, however, can slice off body parts, causing significant damage and possibly final death. Its a common thing in WoD to see machine gun equipped vampire fledglings get hacked to pieces by a super agile vampire ninja. Fact is, when you combine vampire speed with a blade, you're much more deadly then with your finger nails (unless you're one of the ones that grows lethal claws, but again, mechanics). Also, in WoD a vampire without blood becomes little more than a super powerful raging animal. In fact, there is a sect of vampire clans who prefer to do battle by summoning hordes of these new borns to cause havok. They claim that most gang crimes you hear reported in major cities is actually caused by these wars going down at night. But again, a swarm of spawn is nothing before a trained or equipped vampire in full control, begging the question, why not bust out some friggin' kitchen knives? Come on! I've seen you throw baseballs at mach 2, pitch a butter kniife that fast and you could do some serious damage.
    With the knowledge that melee weapons are some of the best in mind, the open grassland terrain… still doesn't make sense. If their bloodlusting, their wild! Go to a forest where you can drop down from above, or set up gorilla-style blade traps. Hell, if you've got werewolves on your side, wouldn't they prefer to fight in the woods? In WoD, a single werewolf could take down 5 average vampires easily. That's before you count them being weakened from lack of blood and raging.
    The idea of two armies charging on an open field is… well it's kinda lazy. Heck, even Romans didn't do that! They had skirmishers, archers, battle formations, terrain advantage. Are they suggesting that these age-old vampires never watched a war movie? Never played a video game? Never played freakin' dnd, even ironically?
    In the end, we're left with what we knew before: Meyers did to vampires what J.K. did to other fantastic creatures. Took what parts they liked the best and changed em. At least J.K. tended to treat the creatures with respect, Meyer-Vampires seem more like the sub-plot of a Romance anime. Huh. I think I'd like team Jaccob better if he turned into a giant space-fairing mecha instead of a dog.

    So, TL;DR: Twilight is bad, and is an embarrassment to the fabric of vampire legends. Go read Bram Stoker, or if you're feeling gutsy the Vampire: The Masquerade source book. If you're into dnd, try and get your DM to run Expedition to Castle Ravenloft, some random dude on the internet responding to a vlog about Twilight said it was awesome, how much better of an endorsement can ya get?

  • theshamster

    You know, I'm studying at university to become an author myself (something S Meyers never did apparently)

    my first set of novels will have vampires as part of the enemy forces and trust me…they will NOT sparkle!

    Their leader is a demigod psy-vampire who's over 7000 years old and unlike his servants, he's immune to sunlight and the elements…the only way he can die for good is if he commits suicide with his cursed sword…only he isnt suicidal!

    People have told me that he sounds like an awesome idea for a vampire..especially how his hair looks like flowing white smoke that only he can touch…Plus he's a extreme sadist: he loves torturing his enemies just to hear their screams…Not a nice guy at all!

    I will only tell you this…his name is Sky'thn…remember it well, as I hope to get my novels published and help crush the damage done by twilight!

  • saint23thomas

    True, but are the main characters of those books as two-dime… uh, as one… hurm… as no-dimensional as the ones in the saga of Mary-Sue Blank-Slate.

    • Anonymous

      That just proves my point. The Sci-Fi/Fantasy section of the book store got co-oped by stupid no-dimensional romance stuff with vampires and werewolves!

      Oh, do they ever show any love for the mummies or zombies? Noooooooooo! Why no love for the zombies? They love people… for their brains.

      Seriously, I want my damn Sci-Fi/Fantasy section of the bookstore back! And also some Chocolate Chocolate-Chip Ice Cream! Either one of those. Preferably both.

      • saint23thomas

        Well, we don’t have to worry about ice cream vanishing from our local stores anytime soon. However, you may have to switch to online bookstores if you want Sci-Fi/Fantasy books that aren’t also trashy romance novels.

    • Anonymous

      That just proves my point. The Sci-Fi/Fantasy section of the book store got co-oped by stupid no-dimensional romance stuff with vampires and werewolves!

      Oh, do they ever show any love for the mummies or zombies? Noooooooooo! Why no love for the zombies? They love people… for their brains.

      Seriously, I want my damn Sci-Fi/Fantasy section of the bookstore back! And also some Chocolate Chocolate-Chip Ice Cream! Either one of those. Preferably both.

  • saint23thomas

    That's not stopping anyone else.

  • saint23thomas

    Nah, you could choke on those.

  • LordEnigma

    Good lord. It's not that hard to figure out. It's about that magic of falling in love with someone out of the blue. You folks act like that does not happen but it has happened and will continue to happen, and that's what Twilight is all about. Seriously, Twilight seems to confound people who just do not get… love. Who knew it was that difficult to figure out?

  • TurtleMadness

    Edward and Bella have no character back story, let alone any character. Why? So the viewer can put themselves in his or her place. That's mostly why this is a cult phenomenon. What do they have in common? Nothing. What interests Bella? Sex. What interests Edward? Baseball and nothing.
    There's another reason this appeals to teenagers. Teenagers now, are fucked up. They are apathetic, characterless, cruel, angst-filled, and wish that they were vampires. Seriously. ESPECIALLY the women. Girls watch this because they say “I wish I were her.” They also like to think that they're liked among the men. Which usually isn't the case. So then there's Jacob fighting over her.
    This series was written entirely to appeal to one audience. Angsty, emo, teenage women. As men, we will never, ever understand. I doubt even they understand. But they still like it.
    I'm never going to read the novels. Hell, you couldn't go into a book store without seeing a poster of the damn series. Even a bloody movie theater.
    There's one thing that I found hilarious though. I *ahem*, overheard someone talking about it on the subway. They described Edward and Bella as, and I quote. “The most exciting characters ever!”. I turned up my iPod, not wanting to hear another second. (And yes, she said it loud enough to hear over an iPod). Like I said, Angsty, and obnoxious.

    Yeah.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Young/100000438256885 Steven Young

    The wind?
    I call your wind and raise you an O-zone layer!
    May you tremble with fear as increasing amounts of UAV radiation melt the ice cubes in your soda,
    turning it flat and unappealing!
    Only the giving of all your money to Al Gore with bring you salvation!

  • LordEnigma

    They do have a backstory. Eclipse is all about their reasoning. Seriously, Edward explains why he is the way that he is, Bella explains her decision to become a vampire, and that is that. If you want to hate something at least understand it. Twilight seems to be hated by people who just want to hate it. Every hole and flaw people see in these movies, THESE MOVIES, can be explained away by “The person discussing them was not really paying attention.” Hate the twinkling vampires, hate the shirtless werewolves, and hate the protagonist. Go ahead but so much hate towards these films and these book seems to come from weird places that shows a lot more about the people reviewing these films than the films themselves. It's about unequivocal true love. Wow. That's just so hard to get.

    • Benuben

      ” It’s about unequivocal true love. Wow. That’s just so hard to get.”HAHAHAHA… Oh wai you are serious….

      HHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

      I feel sorry for you, since obviously never been in love.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/BDC5GZDU6D47Q2YIQPN6OEUDSQ Whitney Randolph

    “…Bella enthusiastically discards her friends, family, any hope for a normal life, her loving mother and devoted father, and any chance at ever being integrated into society… for Edward Cullen. And all this leads back to my initial search for one thing, just One Thing connecting Edward and Bella besides their desire to fuck.”

    I KNOW!!! >:(
    I was getting into the series and liked it for a while, but then I took a few steps back and thought, “…..wait, why do they love each other?” I realized what was really happening and felt stupid.

  • White_Cloth

    I have not watched or read Twillight, although I could say that the reaction towards Twillight may be on the same grounds as the appeal of any B-movie. Some people don't want to think much, but rather be given a concept (perhaps in this case falling in love with the Aject) and watch to see where this story takes this concept – without much complexity (if any). Perhaps the audience that enjoys this movie simply enjoy the idea of unshakable love, and also want it seen shaken, but have the comfort of knowing that the love will not be broken. Its the comfort part that differentiates it from a more complex movie/book; to know the answer, to not be challenged, to be right, to be comfortable.

    If your counter is that such a “comfortable” movie could end quickly, then I agree with you to an extent. The only difference that allows for its prolonging is that those who enjoy concepts of love, enjoy it lasting for a very long time. Essentially, you can milk love for all its worth. Take it from me: when you love the idea of love as a young girl, you create stories that last for years on the topic of your obsession. These stories are bad, but it goes back to a time when you *thought* you knew what love was – before the eureka moment that may come from adulthood. In these stories you'd have an unrealistic ideal, an unshakable bond (as the ideal would say everything you want them to say), a challenge (that is in vain but continues the story), and a heavy concentration on the feelings of the ideal and yourself by either simply being in each others presence, or through hardships. It involves the epicness of emotions, rather than simply the epicness of the scenery.

    Plot holes, inconsistencies, ridiculousness… None of these critics make a mark on the enjoyment of this movie if the whole point of the movie is comfort in love. In a way, love conquers all, regardless if the love is immature and is covered in problems.

    How did you think of love as a child? Do you get nostalgic from those old ideas?

  • Anonymous

    wow, 56:30 twilight=religion. LOL

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Adam-L-Brinklow/1002979555 Adam L Brinklow

    I had been wondering if Spoony had just stopped going to the movies lately. I think this is the first movie-related vlog this year?

  • http://twitter.com/Shoyren Sarah Good

    My best guess (aside from the point that Ed and Bella are bland enough to be projected by the viewer in their place) as to the inexplicable popularity of the series is probably since it's somehow gotten to the teenage/tween crowd. I mean, I don't look through libraries often, but I can't say that I've seen any other series in the “Young Adult” section that is this concretely labeled a romance. I know people (not just girls) who read the books in middle school and got hooked then. It may also have a bit to do with the flood of fantasy books that came with the popularity of Harry Potter way back then, but I have no idea if the vampire aspect was either inspired by that phenomenon or helped it that much. But that's only my (most likely wrong) guess.

    Other than that, I don't see the appeal. I'm the kind of chick who isn't interested in romance fiction to begin with (the only exception being fanfic, but I have my reasons), and my opinion of this series has been so polluted over time that I can barely bring myself to actually read the first book (which, from what little I've read, seems like bad fanfic). Just because I see myself as whiny and maybe even a little boring doesn't mean I want those qualities in my protagonist 10-fold.

  • Earthbound_X

    So that's it? Just love? No reason for the love at all? It just exists? It comes from nothing? Love can not just appear out of nothing, there has to be a reason for it.

    So what's the reason?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bob-Sal/1410444859 Bob Sal

    Too be fair, in Blade the vampires dress normal and the only reason Blade himself dresses with the leather is so he can hide his various weapons.

  • Earthbound_X

    If only Ed Wood was in the Twilight movies, then they'd be awesome.

  • http://twitter.com/connie_point Connie Point

    I love you, good sir…

  • http://twitter.com/connie_point Connie Point

    I love you good sir..

  • Anonymous

    Pick up a math book to understand or some theology lessons.
    All the questions are simple to answer in that context, but you are nit picking and missing the general message which most people are subconsciously or consciously pissed at to go see this with a girlfriend since that guy will only get a kiss goodnight after watching it with them. LOL

    This is the only movie that women get real respect from men unlike other movies where women are used as objects. This seems to be a big step and a big deal and as bad and dull as this movie is its better than eating the shit the other movies (Hollywood) that treat women like objects and call it love (free hookers) while not showing the aftermath and saying “THE END”.
    Maybe this video “For the Record ” might help you understand a little. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7Rv54tHJlI

    You can check your partners on the side that have women and maybe they can explain to you.

    Well at least you were not nice to Avatar (blue cats) unlike so many other “guys” that liked it cheering for a interspecies (bestiality) romance. people are saying that it’s ok to imagine being in the body of a dog since you are in love with a dog, which is worse than this movie that you are both human and the women loves you since she knows she should not exist because you keep saving her!

    Last Air Bender looked goofy and cant take it serious no matter who directs it. Kind of like if they made a live action fatal fury. Does this look cool to you? no… I didn’t think so. The same thing with Air Bender. http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_iAvEQA_0XGE/Ry48gPtp5LI/AAAAAAAAAV0/z5mSoxqCGdo/s400/DSC01949.jpg

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wendy-Weissman/508127113 Wendy Weissman

      “Real respect”? Are you insane?

      Oh yes, real respect, which is why Jacob says he wants her dead, why Edward always agrees with her when she puts herself down, why Edward TAKES A PART OF HER CAR ENGINE AND HAS HIS SISTER IMPRISON HER IN HIS HOUSE so she can’t see Jacob.

      Go by a dictionary and look “respect” up. You really need to do this. If this is how your bf treats you, then you have problems. Serious problems.

  • nontacitare

    Answering your questions: 1) What do Bella and Edward have in common? They enjoy discussing classic novels and classical music. 2) What are Bella's interests? She romanticizes the past. She's also deliberately portrayed as a slacker. 3) What are Edward's interests? Music, both classical and modern. He's a composer. 4) What do Edward and Bella see in each other? He sees her as his Victorian angel of salvation (he's full of self-loathing for his decade of gleefully murdering humans); she sees him as her path to immortality. It's not remotely healthy, but it is understandable.

    You are spot on about Jacob.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Novak83 Ed Novak

    At least the Star Wars prequels had the excuse of being a cheesy space opera, Anakin and Padme's love was “destined,” and really only served as a vehicle to make Anakin flip out and murder some children.

    As for the OP: I haven't read the books or seen the movies, but I will eventually (and dear God do I dread it), but look, I believe in True Love and Love At First Sight and all that other crap, but I also know that unless there's something THERE, something deeper than “Wow, you're beautiful, let's run away together and fuck a lot,” it's not gonna last, and it's stupid to try to build a relationship based on nothing but mutual lust. Unless there are shared interests, passions, hobbies, experiences, whatever…it's just a flash in the pan.

    If Spoony's observations are as in-depth as they appear to be, I'd say the movies aren't showing any real connection between the two idiots. Maybe the books do, I dunno. So what we have is a series of movies that glorifies this childish and ultimately doomed form of “love” that, in real life, would just end up hurting everyone involved.

  • NemoVolo

    I hate this series (the movies, anyway, because I have refused to read it) on how Bella treats her father. Yes, he was absent, yes, that really sucks, but damn. He's there now, and not only is she constantly disappearing with no word, but she walks around acting like he's incompetent. Also, I hardly doubt a father in law enforcement–even a small place like Forks–would be such a pushover when it comes to his teenage daughter.

    Only redeeming part of this movie (apart from the fursplosions galore of the pack)? Charlie's blatant dislike of Team Edward. But, again, Bella ignores his opinions.

    And thank you for putting “saga” in quotes. I kind of want your internet babiez.

  • theshamster

    Spoony, I have been thinking since my last comment below….I think I have a few reasons why so many women like Twilight….Now bare with me, as this will sound insulting to women….so bare with me here.

    Reason 1 : women love men who are mysterious and 'dark' but will always be there for them, no matter what time of day it is, no matter what the problem, they want the man to be there 100% of the time so if there is danger or problems, instead of sorting out the problem themselves, they want the man to do it, like hes some guardian angel or something.

    Reason 2 : women want men to do things for them…they dont do anything, its the men who will do the stuff for them.

    I think this is womens revenge for being treated like crap by men all these eons, being blamed for so-called 'sin' being killed as witches and so on…but not EVERY man was like those who hurt them, just like not all women act like bella…in fact many hate bella with a fiery passion.

    I remember back in the 90s a talkshow called Riki Lake…one segment had a lazy bitch who had both a husband AND a boyfriend who did things for her…if one of them didnt have the money or the time, she'd go to the other one.

    She was an obnoxious (and unattractive) slag: she was rude to the audience, telling people to 'sit down' dismissively; She never had a job in her life, she expects both her husband and boyfriend to work for her..and both of the morons did exactally what she said because she 'has the pussy'..if they dont do what she wants, they dont get any.

    Bella is exactally like that 'woman'…she's manipulative, selfish, rude, cruel, nasty and egosentric…and whats frightening is that this is the 'role model' for all the girls out there today, and if where not careful, our future wives or childrens wives will be just like that bitch from Riki-Lake.

    I thought that women are meant to stand up for themselves and work to acheive their goals using courage and willpower and not let fuckers push them around….but Bella's role model is the exact reversal, she wants others to do things for her and let her 'man' protect her rather then defend herself.

    Bella….I hate you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=751203441 Robin Elizabeth Kenney

    This was fun. You are a really intelligent guy. Don't waste too many brain cells trying to deconstruct this mess. I just want to answer your question about what Edward and Bella see in each other. Bella smells good and Edward wants to eat her (he can't because that would be too close to premarital sex). Bella's bored and he's hot.

    I read the books and kind of enjoyed them *for what they are) until Eclipse, where the plot holes and douche baggery just overwhelm the little plot. Here is my problem: In the first book, where the two bad vampires want to fight the Cullens, the best strategy would be to stay their ground and fight from a protected area. In this story where hundreds of real vampires are after them, the best thing to do would be get the hell out of Dodge.

    As for trying to explain the appeal of this series, I really recommend Cleolinda's recaps. She explains it better, and funnier, than I ever could.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1260108527 Kelly Renee Laney-Adams

    I loved when Stephanie Meyer stated on Oprah the she had never wrote a short story before writing these book… No Shit!!!!

  • theshamster

    He also said on a interview that he thinks S Meyers is, in one way or another, batshit crazy and totally and utterly insane.

    The poor guy is forced to film the last movie as well…he wanted out, but apparently he's being forced…I guess the fan girls would lynch him if he didnt appear.

    What he needs is a REAL vampire movie role..or maybe as a elf warrior in some kickass fantasy who goes around hacking off enemies heads with a Katana or something while swearing in elvish.

    • Anonymous

      To be fair, they’ve been producing the films faster then what the SyFy channel can spit out with their own movie catalog of individual masterpieces so it isn’t so bad.

    • Anonymous

      To be fair, they’ve been producing the films faster then what the SyFy channel can spit out with their own movie catalog of individual masterpieces so it isn’t so bad.

  • Piscolar

    Good review Spoony, you are the best

    Here is the best explanation why twlight is succeful and Bella is so empty as a character:

    http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

    (really, is worth the time)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sierra-Deterding/1101784358 Sierra Deterding

    Heh, you ever wanna hear from an ex-Twilight fan, lemme know… god, I can't believe I used to buy into this crap…

    It's just a self-insertion story with too many damned adjectives thrown in to make it seem like a legitimate 'story'. Pretty much what anyone in my English class would do to make it seem like they actually did read the assignment. This type of story was what we specialized in back on my days on Quizilla… you'd write them exactly like this and all of a sudden the rest of the preteen girls who use the site will be devouring it like crazy. Tailor- made Harlequin stuff for a younger audience. Masturbation without touching yourself, if you will.

    I really enjoyed this vlog because I was going to try my hand at a text review of Twilight the book and you touched on some of the core issues that I hadn't even thought about yet.

  • http://twitter.com/procrasterbator Charla Ellis

    Yeah the reason Bella seems to have no personality or interests outside of Edward was the movie followed the books too closely. See IMHO Twilight is the ultimate self-insert book “saga”. All the teenagers reading Twilight just want to imagine themselves in Bella's place, two hots guy fighting over her whatev. and since Bella has no personality they can just slip into the story better because the main character may as well be them. Which worked when you want to sell books….i guess, but the movie could have at least given Bella some likes, dislikes, personality traits, character development, anything outside of “OMG!!!111 Edward is the smex!!!

    And i think the whole movie would have been better if they focused on Rosalie or Jasper or….fucking anyone else. Oh and am i the only one you wanted jacob to put a damn shirt on? Yes dude we know you have nice abs….but still put some clothes on. Isn't wherever the fuck they are in the movie supposed to be cold, so wouldn't Jacob's nips be hard all the time??? *coughs* kind of got off point there…my bad.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Adam-L-Brinklow/1002979555 Adam L Brinklow

    Btw, “The Last Airbender” isn't an anime.

    • Anonymous

      It kinda is. Just because a cartoon doesn’t come from Japan doesn’t mean it’s not anime. It’s about art style and feel more than locality. It’s like saying that Eric Clapton doesn’t play blues since he’s not black.

  • foodlespane

    For shame, Spoony. Since you're a fan fiction writer, you should _at least_ be familiar with the phenomenon known as “self-insertion” (Linkara actually made one of those ;P). Bella is a blank canvas because she supposed to represent the female reader. If Bella had any personality whatsoever, then the reader won't be able to relate to her or replace themselves in her place. That's Fan Fiction 101, even. Also, the Oatmeal.

    Oh, and you will be bored to death by The Last Shyamalan, er, Airbender. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joseph-Ho/546003853 Joseph Ho

    Are you kidding? Yes, self insertion is a part of immersion, but not when the character does purposefully horrible things to people. The point of a blank slate is so you can be the character in some fantasy, but not when nothing the character does is logical, reasonable, or realistic. Let's look at it bluntly: If the genders were swapped, if Bella was a guy, if Edward and Jacob were women, then this movie series would be burned in a pile and proclaimed as the most sexist, dumbest, and most grossly unrealistic movie against all women and their views on relationships for how utterly stupid it is. Simple as that.

  • Anonymous

    well edwood and bella have been interested in how they both felt like they did not belong. see edwood, when edwood was bitten to be a vampire, he felt like he was the most depressing, emotionless being in the entire world and bella felt so borad and uninterested in today’s society.
    just to give an idea, in the frist movie, you can see that the other vampires were enjoying themselves and comrades except for edwood. when you looked at edwood the first time, you saw how like disconnected he was with his friends.
    in bella’s world, we saw how nobody could not understand her and how ordinary her life was at the time. she most likely felt as if everything would always be exactly the same as of so far.
    when the 2 finally met, they felt as though as if they weree complete. they wer people fro 2 different worlds and changedeach others live 1 way or another.

  • http://q99.livejournal.com/ Q99

    On the 'fresh vampires are stronger' thing, there's actually a pretty good explanation for that which I don't think anyone's mentioned: A vampire's stronger when it has blood in it, right? Dunno about in twilight, but in general that's how it works.

    Well, when you're freshly turned, you have an entire body full of living blood powering your vampire powers, which only gradually gets used up. When a vampire's older it has mouthfuls of blood or however much their stomach can handle, not every inch of it's body filled with the good stuff.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeremie-Caisse/100000114247204 Jeremie Caisse

    If you want a good story with vampires that doesn't suck just read the visual novel Tsukihime (Not the anime piece of crap!). I'll take overpowered sexy vampires over sparkly enhanced humans.

  • unknowncast

    Why didn't others hype it before (even just a little bit of it)? Kind of doubtful it would be that big of a risk considering that mass-producing your stock hasn't exactly changed (compared to game making) in the past many years so I'm a bit doubtful they would worry to the point of bailing out on rather it'll be a hit or flop. Or they didn't care that much for popularity?

    • TheCynicalReaper

      Got more than a little confused the the real question in your reply.

      If you mean “why didn’t they hype it before the movie?”, then my reply is: They did. That’s what I’m talking about in my paragraph on “Twilight hype”.

      If you mean “Did they care more for popularity than for actual sales?” then my reply is: The two are one in the same. I’m sure they didn’t plan on this becoming such an awful success, but Meyer and her publisher knew that it was going to make numbers.
      *Twilight is a romance novel written by a woman who’s at just the right age (the pictures of the authors inside of the novel covers? Yeah, that has to do with marketing too) which includes extreme sexual tension, highschool drama, and popular supernatural beings (made even more popular by the “Underworld” movies which were out just before Twilight) in lusty-love with a meek young thing.*
      -If you were a publisher, you’d be licking your lips right now…

    • TheCynicalReaper

      Got more than a little confused the the real question in your reply.

      If you mean “why didn’t they hype it before the movie?”, then my reply is: They did. That’s what I’m talking about in my paragraph on “Twilight hype”.

      If you mean “Did they care more for popularity than for actual sales?” then my reply is: The two are one in the same. I’m sure they didn’t plan on this becoming such an awful success, but Meyer and her publisher knew that it was going to make numbers.
      *Twilight is a romance novel written by a woman who’s at just the right age (the pictures of the authors inside of the novel covers? Yeah, that has to do with marketing too) which includes extreme sexual tension, highschool drama, and popular supernatural beings (made even more popular by the “Underworld” movies which were out just before Twilight) in lusty-love with a meek young thing.*
      -If you were a publisher, you’d be licking your lips right now…

  • unknowncast

    Man BTAS…when will ever get a kids show like that again?

    I have a feeling though that theater play clip from the show probably philosophized how bad a film adaption would be.

  • http://twitter.com/LikChan Lik Chan

    Yay, more Vlogs. I don't plan on watching Eclipse but your review was hilarious. My sister is actually a HUGE Twilight fan but I showed her your Twilight movie reviews and she loves how you analyze their stupidity. But you're right about the hardcore fans, she still loves them even tho it's a dumb “saga”.

    Btw, give the Avatar cartoon series a chance. It's supposed to be good. ;)

    Keep the Vlogs coming Spoony. We need more! :D

  • VicOut

    I have to say, the love story in the prequels makes more sense even outside of the “Destined” bull dookie. You look at the prequels(Not a giant star wars fan but enjoyed them) and at least their not-love grew over TWO MOVIES. Edward and Bella were in love even when one of them were transferring out of their class to get away from the other.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Novak83 Ed Novak

    No it wouldn't. It would be goth Archie.

  • http://twitter.com/procrasterbator Charla Ellis

    I actually have mixed feelings about Twilight……..on one hand i mourn the loss of a good book that could have been written about side characters….like Alice, Rosalie,Emily Young, pretty much anyone that wasn't Edward, Bella, or Jacob. On the other hand I'm filled with a righteous fury that anyone could compare this shallow, poorly written harlequin romance story to say the works of Shakespeare or Wuthering Heights.

    The fact that my generation treated this book like the holy fucking bible.Instead of going “meh' and ignoring it or at least checking it out at the library for the well developed background characters, really pisses me off. Oh yeah and the book would have been somewhat better if Bella had hooked up with Alice. And Edward and Jacob just hooked up to resolve the obvious sexual tension they had going on……haha jk.(or am i?)

    PS…..don't feel bad Spoony i loved the Signs movie 2.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Oscar-Abreu/620065520 Oscar Abreu

    For the Love of God Spoony don't go watch The Last Airbender. Part of me died in that theater. The cartoon, and yes it is a cartoon not an anime, is one of the best scripted, acted, and drawn works in a long time. The characters are multi-dimensional and have very realistic personalities, aside from the fact that many of them can control elements. That movie took a funny, action packed, and visually stimulating show and turned it into a pile of rancid regurgitated shit. What wasn't changed, was cut, and what wasn't cut was not shown just talked about endlessly by some of the worst actors I have seen since The Room. As for entertainment value, I would pick up any of the Cinema Snob's exploitation films and watch them before I would ever come near TLA again. And yes that would include Death Bed: The Bed that Eats and E.T. The Porno. I do not have enough time and energy left in me to explain how bad TLA was, not just as an Axe to the neck of the incredible cartoon series, but to bad movies in general. I would sit through 5 straight Double screenings of Dragonball Evolution and Battlefield Earth before I watch that abomination again. Shamyalan should be hung from a Fire Nation pole and someone should stick Aang's staff/glider up his ass, I hate him with a passion after this. I could forgive his crappy movies in the past because of my love of The 6th Sense and Unbreakable but he's dead to me now, just like he killed my hopes of seeing an amazing live action TLA movie.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LPCDX4JJUUWRAHM47E43JZKRAU Cal

    Spoony, I agree with everything that was said in all of your reviews of The Twilight “Saga”, I have to agree with Charla in saying that people (mainly 13-15 year old girls) are treating this like the god damn holy bible of literature. I mean, fuck Shakespere, Homer, or Mark Twain, Stephanie Meyer is the real genius of storytelling (eyeroll). Anyways, keep up the good work. I enjoy each and every one of your reviews.

  • Sergeant_Shrapnel

    -claps- Thank you.

  • Ruiner

    While I'm only at about the 3/4 mark on this Vlog review, I am a bit surprised Spoony didn't mention the Paranormal Activity 2 trailer after all the BS press it has been getting. I was hoping he would say something about people labeling it to be “too scary” and having it pulled from several theater chains' trailer ques. As if trying to figure out why people actually enjoy these garbage Twilight films wasn't confusing enough, now I can't help but feel confused trying to figure how those very same people found something that corny to be scary.I think the most insulting part of that trailer was its' “you demanded it” claim, making it seem like I personally am responsible for them making a follow-up to a film I absolutely loathed. Seeing as how you can't exactly argue with a film trailer I felt like Paramount just kicked me in the balls but before my pain subsided to a point where I could chase them down and kick them in the balls they had already found safety behind an army of bodyguards.

  • foodlespane

    “Are you kidding? Yes, self insertion is a part of immersion, but not when the character does purposefully horrible things to people. The point of a blank slate is so you can be the character in some fantasy, but not when nothing the character does is logical, reasonable, or realistic.”

    You haven't read a lot of self-insertion fanfics, have you? The terrible things that self-inserts can do that defies logic and morals… this is what Twilight is all about. The freedom to make up your own morals, rules, and whatnot with complete disregard for characterization, sympathy, and compassion. An overextended fan fiction minus the series, if you will.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Keith-Guilliams/1436618410 Keith Guilliams

      it’s still quite sexist and should be kept out of the hands of young impressionable girls

      • Anonymous

        Again, lots of fan fiction are sexist. I’m not advocating that Twilight needs to be read, I’m saying it’s basically plotless self-insertion drivel seen in a lot of bad fan fiction. No more, no less.

  • foodlespane

    Touche, my good sir. Touche.

  • Purelytainted

    Twilight is simple, take easy to read cheesy writing, apply popular actors or sexy newcomers and you've got fans. Bella is a blank slate on purpose so every love starved teen to women can relate and picture themselves in her position. Then you add two guys proclaiming love and fighting for her beyond the realms of reason and chicks eat it up. Every women wants a man thats utterly devoted to her, and we like sparkly things, and shit they got a dude who naturally sparkles, and is totally balls to the wall into this girl. Plus a second guy who has the same over blow puppy love for the worlds most boring girl. It's silly, it's stupid, and its a incredible waste of money when they could have just made a crap ass soap opera out of it in the directors basement and probably gotten the same results. But oh well, only a few weeks after the release of the last movie it'll all be over, and no one will have to deal with the currently recurring nightmare that is twilight anymore.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1814045863 Alison Tercero

    Hate to burst your bubble, but the director already said they were going to sugarcoat as MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE what happens in Breaking Dawn. They want to make it a “family-friendly” movie. L-O-FUCKING-L. Anyway, yeah, probably not much is going to happen; they'll probably keep the bruising to a minimum and try like crazy to explain why the “imprinting” is A-OK, but I highly doubt there will be any spine breaking, blood drinking (or at least very minimal), or c-sectioning.

    ALTHOUGH, IF THEY DID DECIDE TO GRAPHICALLY DISPLAY EVERYTHING THAT OCCURS IN THE LAST “NOVEL”, I'd want the sick bastard that is Vincenzo Natali to direct it. Seriously. If you haven't seen “Splice,” I recommend it, if only for the complete and total MIND FUCK you experience while watching it (although the story itself isn't too bad either). If Vincenzo could pull off the sick shit in Splice without even HESITATING, he sure as hell could do the gore of Twilight, and probably make it THE best part of the movie.

    Actually yeah, they really should consider paying Vincenzo JUST to direct the questionable parts of Breaking Dawn. If they did that, I'd be much like you Spoony and be FIRST IN LINE on opening night.

    Entertaining review Spoony – kudos once again for a spectacular performance. And your impersonation of Edward was way better than anything Rob could pull out of his stark closet of acting skills on even his best days. Bravo!

  • Zeikfried

    Y'know, I've been thinking…is this Twilight shit really worth obsessing over? I don't mean from the perspective of the fans; I mean from the perspective of us who think the whole thing is stupid or try to analyze it for its popularity or hate it and hate the fanbase or whatever. Twilight's particular brand of stupidity happened to have a wide market appeal, is all.

    Twilight is not going to ruin literature; 5 years from now, no one's going to give a shit about it. Our grandchildren will not be studying Twilight in English class. The fanbase that obsesses over it has always been there, preferring garbage to quality; Twilight is just the catalyst that brought them all out. Twilight is like a dog turd on a hot summer day: it draws out all the flies. The dog turd did not create those flies; it simply drew the ones already there into plain sight.

    And here's the other thing: Twilight happened to catch the public interest and balloon into this big thing…but I don't think that it's some sort of modern phenomenon that shows how shallow “today's youth” is. I'd bet that if Twilight was written 50 or 100 or 200 years ago…it'd still have a fanbase, and still would have had the potential to be as big as it is now. People have always been self-conscious and felt like they didn't fit in. People have always wanted to be worshiped by and obsessed over by beautiful people. People have always mistaken lust for love. And people have always had bad taste and questionable intelligence.

  • mobtank

    Em, how does that work? Getting turned into a vampire involves having your blood sucked by a vampire, so untill you drink blood yourself you would be blood deprived and rather weak IMO.
    It's nothing more then a bad excuse to get something for everyone to fight so we can have a fight scene, and even that is handled poorly (no blood in a vampire vs werewolf fight?!).

  • http://www.aj-scruffles.co.uk/magazine/ AJ Scruffles

    I'm sure people have already said as much but Twilight doesn't operate with the kind of logic most of us are used to. They're YA novels – its a distinct type of writing and hard to adapt unless the source has an abundance of plot (i once wrote an article about these difficulties with a view to Twilight: new moon and Nick and Norah's infinite playlist). How does a movie that wants to appeal to a broad audience adapt the YA romance? You can't expand and rationalise it then condense it back into shorthand movie form… I suppose you just have to go with it, like the books' target audience can.

    Also, I can't get cut up about its rabid fandom – it's pretty much the same kind of fan that helped sustain the Beetles at a time – sometimes it can work out for the best.

  • unknowncast

    God I just hope Inception will Breaking Dawn-abuse Eclipse at the box offices.

  • Adnarim

    Wait! Stop press! An article in my local paper explains the whole phenemenon. In a surprising turn of events, it seems theTwilight “Saga” is actually a profound exploration of how the concept of the “Other” can reveal to us what it truly means to be human.

    Really.

  • lightningstrike14

    Honestly, I have seen one other movie with Kristen Stewart, Speak. She plays a rape victim who shows no emotion and is always depressed. So exactly the same as Bella. In the movie, she fell for a hot older guy, who proceeded to have rape her when they went off into the woods. The movie is just terrible.

  • http://twitter.com/Aamuilma Johanna Larsson

    I'm actually one of the people who go “meh” over the whole Twilligt thing. I don't hate it, I don't care about it enough to do that. I'm indifferent to it. Haven't read the books though. Just read about them and seen the movies. I enjoyed seeing your review… perhaps a bit long and a bit random – trailing off to other things . But still enjoyable to watch. I agree with your critique… and not to compare the works in any other way… it's the same problem I have with “Romeo and Juliet” or the movie “The Grand Blue” being described as love stories. That's not love, it's two people who are physically attracted but don't really know one-another all that well. Sure, I enjoy Romeo and Juliett, it's well written (unlike twillight) but is it a love story – no. F

  • Adnarim

    Just to follow up on my last comment: I really think it's about time everyone just gave up on trying to find some deep significance in these pop-culture crazes. Honestly, that's become an industry in itself: there's a whole crowd of journalists and academics and such ready to analyse the hell out of every idiot fad: “What does [insert name here] Reveal About Us?” You know the kind of thing.

    According to them, it's usually a sign of imminent social breakdown, or a revolution in human consciousness, or something equally stunning. According to me, it's a sign that hype sells and that a lot of people don't exactly have the best taste or judgement.

  • http://twitter.com/MHarrison90 Mark Harrison

    Great points about Bella- she's basically a blank author and reader surrogate. Meyer and the filmmakers don't want to say “Bella loves this band/movie/book” because one of their millions of fans might not like that. She's the biggest Mary Sue in literary history.

  • http://www.facebook.com/seamus.burke Seamus Patrick Burke

    Just a heads up Spoony, if want to see a good Kristen Stewart movie, see “The Runaways”. She and Dakota Fanning are FANTASTIC in that movie, playing Joan Jett and Marie Curie. It's so good it actually takes on a dream-like quality, I highly recommend it.

    …Which makes me wonder what they're doing to make her like the female Shia LeBouf in this series…

  • Ran88

    Can't wait for you to vlog on The Last Airbender. My girlfriend (who is a fan of the anime) saw it and said that it was fucking terrible.

  • dustyjo

    DUST BUNNIES

    The SCARIEST MONSTERS IN HISTORY.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/L6PLQIPGHBBBK4XCNEJIALKY7U Katie

    I can't find anything that justifies it either…
    I can only find that Edward Cullen wants to fuck Bella Swan and chew on her like a chicken bone, while Bella Swan wants to just fuck his brains out.

    Sounds really disturbing, I know.

  • http://www.facebook.com/adamjleech Adam Leech

    I volunteer to pretend to be a “really smart British guy.” Well I have 3 out of 4 down.

  • RWill

    Man, watching those last ten minutes was a little unnerving. It was a lot like something out of H.P. Lovecraft, where our protagonist has been driven mad attempting to understand the horrors that have unfolded before him. I'm sure that we'll one day find a decrepit tome penned by Spoony attempting to find order in the unholy chaos that is The Twilight Saga.

  • VoiceFromThePillow

    I would also like to volunteer if possible – I'm British and have a law degree, so must at least be some way towards being classed as “smart” – and I like movies. Seriously, I'll watch this movie and discuss it…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Teh-Davez/100000583056311 Teh Davez

    Speaking of Final Fantasy.. I reckon that after FFX you should give FFIX a try. I know you stated that you disliked the artstyle of the game, but to be perfectly honest you're kind of letting it keep you from an, at least, modestly decent experience. For one thing, the protagonist isn't an emo git like Squall or an antisocial 'tard like Cloud, or the whiniest shemale to walk the earth, Tidus. Zidane, surprisingly enough, is a total grabass in stark contrast to these protagonists – literally, he grabs the lead female's ass on one occasion, and flirts with her frequently. More surprisingly still, he actually takes charge and is an actual leader for the party (as opposed to Cloud who avoids his friends like the plague, Squall who gets his leader role handed to him inexplicably on a silver platter and Tidus that's just.. Tidus), and tries to involve himself with his fellow team mates in all sorts of interactions.

    Anyways, I'm not going to be like all the Final Fantasy fans you've probably encountered by now who're all “OMG IS BEST GAME EVURR!!!”. I'm sure there'll be parts you'll dislike – and if there aren't, then kudos to you on that much – but by compare, out of the 3D Final Fantasy games to be released so far, I think FFIX is at least amidst the best of the bunch (FFVII will insist otherwise, but whatever). I say out of the 3D bunch, because we all know Kefka is the most magnificent bastard to ever walk the land.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Arthur-Slightom/100000729981984 Arthur Slightom

    the worst villian ever were the villians in Night of the Lepus
    they were RABBITS i'm not kidding FLUFFY CUTE BUNNIES

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dimitri-Konobeev/100000993782947 Dimitri Konobeev

    imagine the fear and grips in everyones hearts if NOTHING was attacking them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Bax/31403768 Kristen Bax

    Unfortunately, I must admit to being an ex-Twilight fan. I look back on those days and think, “How could I have sunk so low?” However, I have seen the light, and now I loathe the series. Spoony, it is reviews such as yours that make me happy I am no longer at Twi-hard fan.

    It's not just the fact that the movies are bad film-making or that the books are bad literature. The messages that the books espouse are ignorant and damaging. We shouldn't just be worried that these books are “ruining literature.” We should be worried about the young, impressionable pre-teen and teenage girls who read these books and see these movies and walk away with skewed and creepy ideas of love. For example, in “Twilight,” Edward sneaks into Bella's room and watches her sleep for over two months. That is not romance; it's stalking.

    Spoony, you say Bella is manipulative and a bitch. I agree. But Edward is an asshole who desires to control every aspect of Bella's life. A friend of a friend wrote a fantastic (if a bit long) essay about how the Twilight saga assumes a post-feminist worldview. It's a good read, and it gives a lot of insight into the books and how the messages of love can be damaging to young readers. It probably won't tell you why fans are so into the series, but it'll give you a reason why the rest of the world should care. I'd be happy to pass it along to you.

    I'm a long-time fan, but this is the first time I've ever commented. I guess the Twilight saga tends to bring out that side of me that wants my opinions heard. Thanks for a great review, Spoony!

  • fatalrob0t

    I can name one thing that Edward and Bella have in common. They both are the worst, most despicable examples of humanity alive (or undead). Edward's a creepy stalker with sociopathic tendencies, but Bella is the ultimate in everything thoroughly hateful about people. She's selfish, arrogant, hateful, manipulative, spiteful, loathsome, two faced, ect. She's the most horrible human being I have ever had the misfortune of even hearing about much less reading, but believe me, Spoony, be very glad you're not reading the series. I don't think you would be able to make it past Eclipse. Breaking Dawn would definitely make you go out on a killing spree. (Which it does me, but I don't read it all in one go to keep from bashing people of the head with it.) The movies have only one thing going for them and that is that they do not have Bella's constant monologue running through out the entire thing. That's it. If you had that in the movies then you would be screaming about now.

    And the worst thing? Teenaged girls somehow identify with this… insufferable beast. They identify with her selfishness, her loathsome attitudes, her arrogance, her manipulations, and they think Bella is a perfect example of a good role model for young women everywhere. Fuck. That. Shit.

    And then the side characters come out more well developed and more interesting when Meyer doesn't put a total spotlight on them. Like Jacob, for example. He was cool up until Meyer started having him out permanently and then stuck him on total psycho douche mode. I keep looking at Jacob in the books and shaking my head saying, “Dude, just forget her and move on. She's destroying you from the inside and that's her main goal. Forget her. Get some other girl who's not a psychotic bitch and move on.” But no, as soon as Meyer pulls him out of his corner she starts turning into a momentous douchbag in order to make Edward look good. That's right, she has to make everyone else look horrible in order to make Edward look good. She even goes so far as to have Bella realize how much of a total dick she is and break down over and over and over and over again screaming about how she wants Edward to hate her and Edward suddenly becomes saintly and says “I could never hate you. I forgive you.” Meanwhile, you're still made to hate Jacob, to which I refuse to do so since Meyer's so blatant about her telling us that he's a meanie.

    This is why I'm glad she didn't go much more into detail with the rest of the cast, because I know for a fact that she would have killed them characteristically if she did, just like Jacob. It's a total reverse of what normally happens and for this it is somewhat fascinating to see it. Normal people tend to overlook the side characters for the main characters and end up making the side characters look two-dimensional, but not Meyer! Meyer ends up making her main characters look rotten while her side characters, who don't get her special attention, are spared the injustice and left to live normal lives.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nathaniel-Nmn-Tucker/617113715 Nathaniel Nmn Tucker

    As someone who used to read Choose Your Own Adventures, Zork adventure books, and that Lone Wolf series I can see what makes Bella an appealing character to women who might be in a dry spot or who feel unattractive. When reading the Bella character you are supposed to be superimposing your own interests and traits into the her. She is supposed to be you, the reader. In that regard, Bella is a very effective romance character for younger girls who are still in their tweens and teens, much the same way as Harry Potter appealed to the masses by presenting stereotypes that we could relate too. If you are bookish and nerdy, you related to Hermoine, if you were good hearted but felt as if you were often second fiddle (a common feeling in teens relationships as we can't all be King or Queen of the Prom) you related to Ron. Bella is more effective at the role by having no qualities. She is little more than a mask.

    You, I, we are all Bella.

  • http://twitter.com/cheezeofages William Smith

    Well the books (with the exception of New Moon) are a little better, but not much. Generally all the problems you note are there, but easier to stomach. In the books at least, Bella does worry about leaving her parents behind. Not her friends though, in the books it's pretty clear she barely likes her normal friends and most of them are either after her naughty bits or secretly hate her. The books end with this whole thing about her not fitting in with people her age and her being “born to be a vampire” which is kinda stupid (even Twi-hards raged about that).

  • Joon_Studios

    I've got one, they run from…GRAVITY!!!

  • kallikanzarid

    Judging from the synopsis I read, Breaking Dawn has no climax—at all! It's baffling to me how can you have such a thick final installment in a series that feels like a documentary of some panel investigation. Thank God I haven't ever bothered to read this crap.

  • http://twitter.com/HackerEdward105 Sarah

    Things that Edward and Bella have in common (kind of. I was thinking on my feet. And this is completely ironically. I hate the movies.):
    1) Mutual interest in stupid vehicles (Bella's Truck and Edward's Volvo)
    2) An affinity for Debussy's Claire De Lune (I can't remember if they mention in the movie)
    3) They both like vampires… of certain types.
    4) They both do bad things to werewolves (SPOILER ALERT: Bella doesn't end up with Jacob.)

  • TheFiend

    A villain stupider than wind… how about sentinent Carbon Monoxide?

    As for the twilight thing, just roll with me on this oh great spoony one. I think that Twilight was going for a sort of Harry Potter type writing style and failed miserably. Harry Potter's entire personality was established so that he could find out the secrets of far more intresting characters than Potter himself. That being said (and what you did state earlier in your review) Stephanie Meyer does have SOME (key word there) good ideas. An army of vampires assembling to battle, background charactrers that have their own backstories and motivations outside of the forced romance of Cullen and Swan, and even a few likeable characters here and there.

    Harry potter works because J.K Rowling always gives her audience just a snippet of information in any given book, The reader then excitedly turns the page, even reading the mundane quiditch parts just so they can learn more about a character or a story arc.

    Stephenie Meyer also uses the “Carrot and stick” method of writing fiction. Except unlike J.K. Rowling…she never delivers the goods, it always falls back to the endless twattle of Edward and Jacob. There is no carrot with Meyer, only unbearable dialouge and unfufilled promises that she uses to beat you with a crowbar.

    P.S. You hear about the Dresden Files RPG pen and paper game? I kind of want to get into it but I honestly don't know if it would be my kind of of thing, Do you know what the hell the fate system is?

    Keep it up eh yeh Spoony Bard?

  • TheFiend

    A villain stupider than wind… how about sentinent Carbon Monoxide?

    As for the twilight thing, just roll with me on this oh great spoony one. I think that Twilight was going for a sort of Harry Potter type writing style and failed miserably. Harry Potter's entire personality was established so that he could find out the secrets of far more intresting characters than Potter himself. That being said (and what you did state earlier in your review) Stephanie Meyer does have SOME (key word there) good ideas. An army of vampires assembling to battle, background charactrers that have their own backstories and motivations outside of the forced romance of Cullen and Swan, and even a few likeable characters here and there.

    Harry potter works because J.K Rowling always gives her audience just a snippet of information in any given book, The reader then excitedly turns the page, even reading the mundane quiditch parts just so they can learn more about a character or a story arc.

    Stephenie Meyer also uses the “Carrot and stick” method of writing fiction. Except unlike J.K. Rowling…she never delivers the goods, it always falls back to the endless twattle of Edward and Jacob. There is no carrot with Meyer, only unbearable dialouge and unfufilled promises that she uses to beat you with a crowbar.

    P.S. You hear about the Dresden Files RPG pen and paper game? I kind of want to get into it but I honestly don't know if it would be my kind of of thing, Do you know what the hell the fate system is?

    Keep it up eh yeh Spoony Bard?

  • TCBLB

    Hey, I still wonder and can't phathom why no one else brought this up yet who has the more UNBELIVABLE romance, Edward and Bella or Anny and Padme from Episode II? Your reason that this movie may not be AS BAD as the previous one for lack of screen time of Edward and Bella together is one of the reasons Episode III was better then Episode II.

    I like Signs too, I actually hate Rory Culkin more in that then the water thing. Rory is channeling his brother too much, especially in the scene where he's trying to convince the sister to let them record over her tape.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/Newbonzy?feature=mhw4 Newbonzy

    Well, yeah, I will agree wind is a bad idea for the movie. but hey, No director comes without a bad movie. That being said, you got me worried about avatar smashing the series to bits, but that will be in due time.

    As for Bella and Edward – it's obvious why they want to be together, they are both compensating their demeanors by palling around with someone of equal intellect and social attributes.

  • melissia

    I agree, but the difference is mostly that twilight fans actually buy INTO this. Star Wars fans don't usually buy into SW Episodes 2 and 3. In fact quite a few star wars fans openly mock the three movies…

  • TCBLB

    I know a few fans who do. They're called “Lucas Apologists” people who go out of their way to explain the prequels away or ANY story inconsistency and defend anything (usually involving comics or novels) in the movies no matter how bad and will never own up to there being bad Star Wars. I'm still a fan of Star Wars but AOTC is one of the most sour and nauseating things I ever saw and I did like Phantom Menace when I was younger but looking back on those days with the Duel of the Fates shirt that I still have, I wonder if people thought I was a total tard at the time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wendy-Weissman/508127113 Wendy Weissman

    Dude, not all teenage girls, a bunch of my friends and I all used to write blogs about all the disgusting things in these books…. OH, the hate-mail we got from idiots. Quite a few of us happen(ed) to be teenage girls.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wendy-Weissman/508127113 Wendy Weissman

    Also, I was really hoping you'd do a joint review on this one like you did with your brother on Avatar and Transformers 2 or the ones you did for Space Thunder Kids or Alone in the Dark. Like get your bro, a friend, gf or someone else to do one with you.

    I really liked that game you played, coming up with bad movies and trying to decide which movie you'd rather be subjected to. I don't watch all of your videos because my parents never allowed me to play video games so I don't know crap about them at all, but I like your movie reviews.

  • http://onlyfivethemes.wordpress.com/ ScoreKeeper

    I dunno, gravity was the main nemesis in Wile E. Coyote cartoons, and those worked well.

  • Valorin

    I have seen the horrors of The Last Airbender… I will never be able to unsee that battlefield of scorch marked houses and children with plague, their bodies ridden with pustules that can never be cured.The atomic bomb of ultimate film terribleness that is The Last Airbender, will haunt my every waking moment for as long as I live. I have become a scarred man, destined to wake in the night with cold sweats and screaming pain. However, I did like The Karate Kid (Kung Fu Kid) so that almost made up for The Last Airbender…. almost.

  • http://twitter.com/HeartOfTheDark Naomi Latham

    Spoony, I will happily help you in the quest to figure out what the fuck is with Twilight once I find a means of reading the books and watching the rest of the films (I saw the first one) without flying into fits of ranting rage (12 pages of the first book did that) and having to give Stephenie Meyer any money. She doesn't need my money. She needs help.

    Still, I'm sure I'll find a way, and when I do, I'll be more than happy to try and find the answer. Seeing as I'm 16 and most likely part of the demographic this book is supposed to be for (though I think personally the demographic this book is actually for consists of Stephenie Meyer), I might be of some useful insight. Besides, I've been wondering the same thing myself ever since I found out the first disturbing facts about this series since I have a friend who was and quite possibly still is obsessed with the series (it's become a touchy subject so we never talk about it anymore).

    The only thing I can think of now is that it's all a horrible misunderstanding, like people make with Romeo and Juliet. People have horribly mistaken Bella and Edward's desire to bonk each other for some epic romance, and since Bella is a blank slate it's very easy for teenage girls to slot into her place and fantasize about having a sexy mysterious vampire lusting for them. But I still can't quite understand how the hell this can blind them so much that they can't see some of the gaping plot holes and how massively unlikable more or less every main character is, not to mention how many ideas are tragically wasted here. Vampires vs. werewolves, while not originally, can make for an entertaining book/movie. Vampire civil war movie could be good if it acknowledged how silly the idea was. Hell, from what I can tell even Jacob was a decent character in New Moon.

    And I think I'll stop here before I really start tearing into this series.

  • http://twitter.com/FailedSlurpe Mike bonacker

    you have some very interesting points spoony. I often wonder myself why so many people enjoy this so called “Saga”. I was actually wondering if you were going to go watch predators!

  • StealthKnight

    If Edward has lived for 100 years then he should have been taught how to control his strength. Nobody needs a walking hulk around human's accidentally breaking people's bones. Also, why would she want to give up her friends and family? Couldn't she find a way to integrate them despite being a vampire. I doubt her family would ban her from the family her despite her being a vampire.

    It's true that Robbert patten is trying to act like he is pain all the time. He chose to do that because of how lame he thought the character was. Basically, he is giving the guy “personality” while making fun of the role. He probably could do great movies if he wanted to.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Renardo-Krootjes/1549164800 Renardo Krootjes

      well he was cedric diggory in harry potter and the goblet of fire, and he did pretty well in there, so well (or so horrible in twilight) that i never recognized him until someone told me

  • Tokromar

    You know what Twilight is? It's Tsukihime (the visual novel, not the mediocre anime) dummed down for a horny teenage American audience. If you don't know what Tsuk is, it's a VN made by the same people that wrote Fate/Stay Night. Think about it. It's supposedly a about a human schoolkid that falls in love with a vampire and experiences all kinds of supernatural shiz. The main difference is that Tsukihime was actually decently written with lots of mindscrew and the characters were actually fleshed out, if a bit overdramatic. The main 'human' protagonist in Tsuk actually could literally kill anything and everything (even objects, HE COULD KILL OBJECTS) with a stab from any knife, due to his unusual supernatural ability to see things called 'lines of death.' The VAMPIRE interest was quirky and playful, and kind of likable if annoying at time. Bella is a rock and Edward is a brick.

    Pardon me for my geekiness. I know you're not an anime fan, Spoony, and that means that you're CERTAINLY not a VN enthusiast. I just wanted to compare it to something I know about that I found to be actually good. To me, at least.

  • moonandlavender

    Just wait until you get to the NEXT movie. If the movie follows the book, Jacob drops his love for Bella like a hot rock……………….. and focuses all his attention …… on ……….. her newborn ……… baby……..

    IN THAT WAY

    No. I am not joking.

    Jacob drops his interest in Bella because he becomes infatuated with Bella and Edward's newborn DAUGHTER. Literally the second he sees her.

    I WISH I HADN'T READ THESE FUCKING BOOKS.

  • Disthron

    Well, if you wont a “guy thing” that a lot of people love but is stupid/evil I would hold up the character of Kratos from the God of War games. Now unlike the twilight movies the God of War games are good I guess but the character is a complete psycho asshole with basically no redeeming qualities. The story for those games basically ruined them for me.

    I went and saw this a few days after it came out and it was still packed in the theatre. The thing is, everyone else in there seemed utterly rivited by the movie. You say not to point at the books but could the extra knowledge of the books make the movies more interesting? Kind of like the fans are filling in what's missing from the movie with for knowledge from the books making it seem better that it is? I know that a lot of people liked the second Final Fantasy movie but I, not having played through FF7, basically didn't know what was going on and thought the movie was not that grate.

    Every time you say Bella I keep getting flashbacks of Johnny Depp in Ed Wood.

    About the girl from “Up in the Air” I'm not sure who your talking about because I don't know any of the actors names. I have to say I did think the Asian chick was hot.

    You know, the vampires in the Anita Blake series also seldom use weapons. Though they do sometimes use swards and such. It's explained that a lot of vamps are sort of stuck in the time they lived in and find it hard to keep up with the times after a point. I seem to recall one time where she was surprised to see a vamp with a gun.

    At the part where Bella sais “I give you permission to kiss me”. I kept thinking of Edwood saying “…I'm right here!”

    Wasn't the problem in “the happening” actually poisonous chemicals that travelled on the wind? You know, in “on the beach” it's kind of the same thing but it's radiation that is blown in the wind and it doesn't kill you instantly but over time.

    When I looked down at the clock and saw that this video went for an hour I couldn't believe it. The time just flew buy. Grate video. I look forward to your Last Air Bander rant. Oh, and grate work on the Ultima episode too.

  • Disthron

    …. I just read this on the breaking dawn entry in wiki “Breaking Dawn was the recipient of a British Book Award for “Children's Book of the Year”” And it's apparently true. O.o

    • The Fiend

      *facepalm* I think i’m just going to quote cartman on that statement. “Well, I’m out guys, if this is what’s cool now I’m done. I no longer have any connection to this world. I’m gonna go home and kill myself. Goodbye friends.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

    Bella is just as much as a bitch in the books as she is in the films. Trust me, I couldn't get past 4 chapters of the FIRST novel cause she was such a brat.

    Oh, but my friend, just wait until the 2 part Breaking Wind (bad joke, I know) comes out:
    1. Edward and Bella have sex WHILE SHE'S HUMAN. It's enought o knock her out and SHE KEEPS GOING
    2. Bella wakes up with feathers tossed everywhere (cause Edward bites pillows *insert gay joke*), a broken headboard, and her body bruised
    3. Even though the sex is injuring, she asks to have it AGAIN
    4. Even though Meyer stated vampires CANNOT have kids, Bella is preggo with a baby that is breaking her spine, making her vomit blood, takes 2 weeks to develop, etc.
    5. Edward basically says that if Jakie could somehow be rid of the child, then he could have sex with Bella (So Eddie basically says he would have Jakie fuck Bella… without her say-so)
    6. The birthing scene, which you could say was ripped straight out of Alien
    7. Renes–Hellspawn (her name is a stupid combination of Renee + Esme because Meyer said “there's no name that's perfect for my baby”) can somehow read minds and communicate… even before she is born
    8. Jacob imprints on the babyand gives her a promise jewelery, basically meaning she's suppose to be Jacob's mate
    9. Hellspawn can grow up into an adult at 7 or 8… and can somehow have kids with werewolves by the power of failed biology
    10. There is a supposed fight scene that brew up during the entire book… only to be cut short because they talk to the Volturi

    Yeah… Breaking Dawn is what killed the fanbase. Some fans even tried to write a letter to Meyer to rewrite it only for her Dick brother to say “Fuck You” and Meyer to say “They just don't get it”. Most of the fans either turned anti or refuse to believe the book exists.

  • deaday

    Spoony, I'm interested in how you managed to procure a Hungarian 2001 poster. You know, the one behind you that says 2001: Űrodüsszeia… Now that's a sweet poster!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Peter-Schweitzer/100000528408858 Peter Schweitzer

    Spoony, Avatar: The Last Airbender is not in any way Anime. It was created by two American guys who took inspiration from Hayo Miazaki and other Japanese sources, and the show was animated in Korea, but it is in no way, Anime. It is actually far from Anime. It is more like a cartoon that takes its audience more seriously than other cartoons, but is still lighthearted and really fun to watch (since it is obviously still for kids)

    Seriously, watch it, at least the first season before you watch the movie. And if you have seen the movie, then watch the cartoon to show the comparison. The cartoon is a million times better than the movie, and a million times better than the anime that I know you hate.

    @ Kristen Sponar:

    Holy S#!t really? Wow, that got really disturbing, really fast. Either Meyer needs help or she is one of the greatest trolls ever. She just gets a bunch of girls interested in her books and then she just slams them with Breaking Dawn and watch their spirits tear apart and die.
    If that was intentional, that is pure genius.

  • http://twitter.com/FlamingFury Maggie Lee

    You do not want to see the Breaking Dawn movie. BD is the most plotless, anti-climatic, disgusting book I've ever had the misfortune to read. What's worse, it will be split into 3 movies because “there is too much important material” to be contdensed in a 2 hour movie. I think they're just trying to one up Harry Potter. Honestly, BD is so bad that most Twi-hards hate it and refuse to include it as canon.

    With that said, I believe I can answer your question concerning Edward and Bella's devotion. The answer is simple; they both love to talk about Edward. That is the only I can gather from the books and the first movie. Seriously.

  • Solitair

    First of all, Avatar: The Last Airbender isn't anime, it's a Western cartoon. I'm not sure why'd you'd think it's an anime; maybe it's the foreign names and culture and stuff. Whatever. Just a nitpick, and you probably don't pay any attention to Western cartoons that weren't around when you were a kid, either.

    Secondly, how could you go over Shyamalan's oeuvre and not mention Lady in the Water? The fact that he managed to write and film a story that is essentially SELF-INSERT FANFICTION astounds me. I guess you could argue that Dante did the same thing with the Divine Comedy, but that still leaves the matter of artistic merit.

    Thirdly, I have a theory that unlike every other abominable mistake Stephenie Meyer makes in the Twilight series, Jacob's asshole characterization in Eclipse is very intentional on her part. I think that she was genuinely surprised at the formation of Team Jacob; she meant for Jacob to be the Other Man and made him too sympathetic by mistake. And she was so enamored with fucking Edward that she resorted to fixing this the only way she knew how: putting Jacob through character assassination! That alone is enough to make Meyer one of the worst authors around.

    Seriously, though, I'm looking forward to your review of The Last Airbender, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT PREPARED.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Angelique-Sims/1037440052 Angelique Sims

    While anyone with a lick of sense can see the whole Bella and Edward relationship for the thinly veiled lust/abusive thing that it is, I think the reason it has become ungodly popular is this: it is an *insert yourself here* adventure book. Bella has almost no traits except for the so-called love because it makes it easier for the reader to put themselves into her place. Like a role-playing character, you are suppose to fill in her interests with your own, and because of the lack of characterization she is given, you could say she is into anything without the book giving proof that your assertions are wrong. The same ultimately goes for Edward as well; because besides physical appearance and wealth, you can once again just add whatever traits you want in a guy and force it on the character, and again, the book couldn’t be used to refute it. Why else would the love be so bland and non-distinctive besides letting tweens (and unfortunately some adults) make it up themselves, which also accounts for the juvenile tendencies and superficial ideals of the characters: the melodrama of having a love that is “forbidden” that no one else could possibly understand; the dream of being so special that the entire school loves you yet you reject it all for “twu love”, in turn fulfilling both the wish to be popular and the wish that one can also reject them because they are so much better than those popular idiots; Instead of the rejection everyone should feel, people are suppose to feel sorry for the “tragedies” of this creatures life and be sympathetic that she is stringing along different guys for her own poor self-esteem; Lastly, it offers immortality and eternal youth and beauty and the great mystery of “Vampires” with none of the damnation of the soul price, as well as making it squeaky clean and hetero-normative for even the most religious of house holds. I have relatives who can read and see Twilight but not Harry Potter. This entire series is a train wreck of overindulgent fantasy, polluting the ideals of what a relationship means to young girls who are so naïve they take these things to heart. I could deal with most of this bull, it is nothing new to the Romance section, but the fact that this sick woman offers it to kids is beyond my train of thought. And for every sound person who says that I am being too hard on it, there is a young girl in America who is sleeping unprotected with a boy named Edward, mistaking lust for love, just to be like Bella.

    As much as you want to find reason in this madness, Spoony, I doubt you will. You’re too good for it, too wise in the actual ways of the world to ever be drawn in to the sick and selfish world of Bella and Edward. That is what makes it so hard to even discuss the book with the fans; most of them have never had to deal with reality in their life so they have no concept of how ridiculous that series is. And I know I wont be the first to warn you, but the news is out already on the new movie: It is to be split like Harry Potter with as much sugarcoating and covering up of the actual plot as it will take to give it a family rating. No broken and bloody Bella L

    And thank you, Spoony, for making me feel less weird about the whole sex thing of that fucking movie. I have been saying that since I was forced to read the first book and so on. Any time someone says the stupid 94 years of loving, I want to smack him or her up side the head. I agree with your points whole-heartedly. I would watch Brad’s video first.

    And for the love of God, please don’t see Airbender. Don’t do that to yourself so soon after watching Twilight. Because if you thought Eclipse was dialogue heavy with little action, then boy are you in for a disaster. It is bad for both fans of the cartoon and those who have never seen it in their lives.

  • crystalb57

    lol hey noah, I know somwthing much stupider than THE WIND, it's just impossible to just make into a monster or just played out wrong like LIVING, THE UNIVERSE, GRASS, DIFFERENT FACES, and LOVE. you would have to be a total dumb-ass to create such stupid characters. XD

  • theshamster

    Really? did Meyers brother say (in one way or another) 'fuck you' to them?

    Thats extremely rude and petty!

    J.K Rowling, on the other hand, just smiled and told her fans to 'just wait' when they feared that she'd kill harry off at the very end…Even Steven King asked her NOT to kill Harry as part of defeating Voldemort (I bet he enjoyed the books and didnt want the protagonist to perish like so many of his friends and family did)

  • theshamster

    I think Spoony should review the last airbender as Dr Insano…as that film is so bad that even Eclipse was better than it…It's enough to drive you insane…so why not review it as our favourite mad scientist Dr insano?

  • Franky_2

    Quick! Someone get Spoony the DVD of Bram Stoker's: Dracula STAT! If this doesn't cure his Twilight syndrome, nothing will.

  • Franky_2

    Quick! Someone get Spoony the DVD of Bram Stoker's: Dracula STAT! If this doesn't cure his Twilight syndrome, nothing will.

  • http://www.facebook.com/johnny.tong1 Johnny Tong

    If Breaking Dawn was made, I would feel to vandalize the big screen by punching holes in it. I would say thanks to the theater owner for ripping me off with this craptastic flick. Fanning and Stewart were compelling in The Runaways than this bomb and the abomination that is The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

  • f_d_s

    People get into Twilight for one simple reason. People are stupid.

    Those Harry Potter books made a fortune. I know people like them and all, but they have the literary merit of the Babysitter's Club books. Babysitter's Club with magic. But the author stopped writing them, so then Twilight diaries were marketed. Babysitter's Club with vampires and werewolves. Stupid people were too stupid to realize how poorly written the books are and were most likely just THRILLED they actually finished a book.

    By this point, everyone pretty much knows these things are stupid. They've been disected to death. Look through the comments here. Are ANY of them positive? Still, you're trying to figure out why people get into this, AFTER COMING FROM SEEING THE MOVIE?!? And you took a date! That's what…$30 bucks you gave these people to make more of this crap?

    And no, there is no deeper meaning or genius behind these books. Bella isn't a 'blank slate' for people to project themselves onto. She has plenty of characteristics. She's self-centered, dishonest with herself and others, manipulative, starved for attention, downright cruel, lacks any hobbies or passions, and wants DESPERATELY for people to think she's unique and special despite the fact she clearly is not. In other words…she's like most people. But most people are too stupid the comprehend the words on the pages, so that's not why people get into this.

    They get into it because they think they are supposed to with the insane amount of hype that goes into it. That why this, and movies about toys and furries, and crap like American Idol gets so popular. They're too stupid to care, or too scared to go against popular opinion for fear of being alone. Some people live for that false sense of togetherness even if they are alone when experiencing it. I call these kind of folks 'Stupid People'.

    Have fun trying to figure out why people pay to go see the next Twilight movie while you're sitting in the theatre watching the Twilight movie you payed to see. Hopefully though you will get back to more interesting things than the fanfiction of a woman who clearly hates her husband for getting her pregnant and has some kind of weird rape fantasies about the Lost Boys movie.

    Twilight are the pathetic ramblings of high school journal keepers. 'Diaries' is a more fitting title than 'Saga'.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Keith-Guilliams/1436618410 Keith Guilliams

      no harry potter went to some pretty dark places and was actually interesting looking back it kinda of reminds me of the doctor who but with magic instead of science

  • Zeikfried

    “Killing objects” makes more sense in a Shinto animist theological worldview, wherein even inanimate objects have souls.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bruno-Miguel-Barreto-Freitas/568513794 Bruno Miguel Barreto Freitas

    Spoony you really need to see the movie “Vampires Suck”…The movie may suck but at least someone was awake to tell us, by film, how stupid Twilight is

  • Tokromar

    I suppose it does, yeah.

    Here's another thing I figured. I think that the obvious blandness of Bella and Edward may be in fact what attracts young readers to the books and young watchers to the movies. I know I'm not the first to point this out, but think about it. The characters are so boring that you'd have to imagine hard that they actually have some sort of personality if you'd want to have any fun with them. If a character is bland and soulless enough, it's easy to replace that emptiness with the personality of the reader/watcher. So all the young girls reading the books are inserting their own personalities into Bella, and inserting their image of the 'perfect angsty boyfriend' into Edward.

    It's a matter of self-fulfilling fantasy to them really.

  • Pie_Face

    I think patterson himself once said somthing to the effect that girls dident even find him attractive untill he started playing Edward since hes now what they think Edward looks like.

  • jeremy81

    i read on Wikipedia that twilight the novel was turned down by 14 agents…what does that tell people?

  • thehivemind33

    I am really interested in seeing what will go down in theaters when Vampire's Suck comes out. Sure it's made by the same craptastic duo that brought us Epic Movie and Disaster Movie, but it will hopefully spark some Twatlight fans into a idiot rage, thus giving me my afternoon entertainment.
    Only time will tell. In the meantime Spoony, you should get some rest. Any man willing to subject himself to Twilight once more for us deserves a long rest.

  • http://www.facebook.com/FrauFlake Frau Flake Lorenz

    I've never read the books and I never will. Neither will I ever watch the movies. I've heard enough by word of mouth to be disgusted by this series, and disgusted by the characters. When I think of vampires (being a fan of the species) I don't think of pasty-white sparkly asshats who are poor excuses for children of the night. Curses upon the author of this shitty series and the people who made the books into movies. Now please excuse me as I go throw up.

  • http://openid-provider.appspot.com/jmckesson Nicol Bolas

    It tells me that the 15th agent needs to be dragged out into the street and shot…

  • foodlespane

    “Have fun trying to figure out why people pay to go see the next Twilight movie while you're sitting in the theatre watching the Twilight movie you payed to see.”

    Well, that's silly. He came there to see a bad film, and he got a bad film. Some people came there to see… softcore porn with no delivery, and they got that too. As terrible as it is, it touches upon the basics of bad movies. I guess you never heard of bile fascination, have you? That's what happens when _some_ people get their faces stuck into their asses, I guess. 9_9

  • http://openid-provider.appspot.com/jmckesson Nicol Bolas

    No, I'm sorry; comparing Harry Potter to Twilight is like comparing The Godfather to Epic Movie.

    Harry Potter is not a great work of literature. But they are a series of good books for children and teenagers. They are reasonably well-written, with some modestly interesting character that have *legitimate* character faults (Harry's headstrongness and anger management issues get him in trouble over and over again), and have a mildly decent, if somewhat hackney'd plot. Oh, and it has a real fucking *theme*, which far too many works don't bother with these days.

    Twilight is bullshit. The writing is bad, the characters are shit, the plot is non-existent, and the only theme is “don't have sex before marriage”, which is less an theme and more an Aesop.

    The Harry Potter books are much like The Chronicles of Narnia: these are good, quality, well-written books for pre-adults that are going to last for a while and be read by multiple generations. But if these books were removed from history, the world wouldn't be measurably worse off for it. These aren't books that *need* to exist, but you can be glad that they do.

    Twilight is simply bullshit, on the order of Disaster Movie and Uwe Boll crap. The world would only be better off for their removal, and measurably so.

  • http://openid-provider.appspot.com/jmckesson Nicol Bolas

    Why are these books so popular? Because modern media has convinced teenagers that love is some magical force that connects people randomly and arbitrarily. Bella and Edward don't have common interests *because* they're in love. Common interests is for *friends*, not lovers.

    Notice what actions are focused on in terms of their love: hugging, kissing, and boning. In that order. As far as Meyers, and her legion of childish readers, is concerned, these are the only things you need to have love.

    For them, love isn't about common interests, or common patterns of thought, or common… anything. It's not about doing anything that isn't hugging, kissing, or boning. Outside of those actions, love is 100% about *feeling*. And that is a notion that our modern media absolutely loves.

    Why? Because it's easy. It's easier to say that two people are in love than to actually *show* it. Showing shared interests and shared thought or whatever takes time. And you don't have time to do that; you've got a story to write! So just say they're in love, and leave it at that. So a lot of the relationships in modern media are of the hollow variety.

  • http://openid-provider.appspot.com/jmckesson Nicol Bolas

    And Spoony, on the Avatar: The Last Airbender TV show, check it out. However, if you do, you need to watch the *entire* first season. The first 8 episodes or so are really, *really* going to push your anti-anime buttons. Being something of a non-anime fan, I really found Aang to be fucking insufferable: pretty much a condensed version of everything I hate about stereotypical anime characters.

    But it does get measurably and substantially better as it goes on. The show doesn't make a good first impression, but it gets a lot less conventional as time goes on. I'm *very* glad I stuck with it.

    Alternatively, you can skip many of the first few episodes; they won't tell you anything that you won't figure out on your own.

  • theshamster

    I heard in University (I'm studying to become an author) that a woman who sorts through the 'slush pile' (unsolisited manuscripts) really liked the story and begged her boss to publish it.

    SHE is the one who's to blame…pity we dont know her name, as she just opened a book version of Pandora's Box with this one.

  • http://twitter.com/Belle_Kel Kelly

    well I think most women can relate to Bella because she is so bland and has no character development that as reader you are forced to fill in the gaps with your own experience. and everyone can have a fun little adventure with the sparkly vampire known as Edward Cullen.

    I hate these series too…

  • http://www.facebook.com/timothy.dalbeck Timothy W Dalbeck

    Why spoony why? Why do you continue to torture yourself with the Twilight series? I won't say that I am for or against the series but to see you pull your hair out over it is something else. I think you have a rather large pair to put yourself through the pain to entertain the masses. I applaud your mental fortitude to do what you do.

    Keep it up!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patricio-Escobedo/832700741 Patricio Escobedo

    When I saw the “Vampires Suck” trailer, I realize how easy was to pick on these crappy books and movies; so easy that even the guys who made Epic movie and all those Scary movie crappy spin off, could pull off with relatively wittery

  • http://www.facebook.com/timothy.dalbeck Timothy W Dalbeck

    I loved the series as well. The first season was very normal cartoony fare but it was a decent story for being the age group that it was for. The second season were things really ramped up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patricio-Escobedo/832700741 Patricio Escobedo

    ” Edward has lived for 100 years then he should have been taught how to control his strength.”

    In the tradition of channel awesome: “If you point out every plot hole, we're gonna be here all day” xD

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeremie-Caisse/100000114247204 Jeremie Caisse

    The more I learn about Twilight, the more it sounds like a self-indulgent fan-fiction made to satisfy the desires of a sexually frustrated “mormon” and while I can almost if not somewhat can relate to that, its still no excuse to have this thrown as a successful book and whoever published that may have a sense of business but clearly has no ability to discern good artistic work. Its nice to attempt a “Our Vampires Are Different” approach but this is pathetic. They're not vampires, that's enhanced human beings that just happens to sucks blood.

    If I'd meet a vampire, I'd rather encounter someone like Dracula, Arcueid or other awesome vampires than meet these losers. At least if I get killed I'll die telling myself that my death is awesome instead of crumbling to dust at the sight of Twilight's “vampires”. Is there any information about what Stephanie thinks about her books? I wonder if she thinks that she's a genius… That would be a laugh riot! I mean, Spoony did a long rant about this movie and “New Moon” and these rants were a million time better than all the medias related to Twilight. Spoony is a awesome reviewer/commentator and others but its just to point out that someone just *GOT IN FRONT OF A CAMERA AND TALKED* and made a rant that was better than a film supposed to entertain millions of people!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Love/1784172057 David Love

    twilight sage is to 2000 as cross colors was to 90s

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/QF7VXD6XE4UMAEUFVRBJOIUEF4 Mette M.

    I believe that the major contributing factor behind the success of the series (both novels and films) is the fact that most readers/viewers aren’t that discerning. I hate saying that, being something of a writer myself (a sucky one, mind you), but particularly the YA readership isn’t that picky about what material they latch themselves onto.

    I could almost understand why teen girls are into the series (not calling this tripe a saga, lest I insult real sagas), because most of them probably don’t recognise the signs of an abusive/manipulative relationship. What disturbs me more is grown women loving this stuff and not noticing how unhealthy the relationships are. “The guy disabled my car and stole a bunch of my property. He’s just being protective. He tossed me across the room and I opened vein. How chivalrous! He obviously loves me.” Yeah, makes total sense.

    Oh! And on the question of “what is Edward into?” He does play the piano, once. That’s about it. Dude plays the piano… Maybe the rumours are true, you can get any girl as long as you play an instrument.

  • punchline36

    Love the amount of times you have to say “roll with it”. Meyer has ruined, in this order, Vampires, Werewolves, Aliens and humanity.

  • Sexual_Tyrannosaurus

    My girlfriend tried to drag me to this. I sat through it for about 5 minutes, said I had a stomach ache (which was true, I was close to barfing in rage). Then instead of going out to the car I went and saw Predators.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Obiben Ben G.

    Twilight does well for a few reasons. Firstly, the character of Bella has no description. Bella is created as a blank slate, the tabula rasa of terrible vampire-esque literature. Whomever reads her and is not looking for a character, will project their own personality onto her. Bella is loved because the reader(s) see themselves in the character. They don't identify with the character, they see themselves as the character. Conversely, Edward is portrayed as perfect. Not very well described other than perfect. The word perfect is used more than any other adjective to describe him in the books. The word perfect is a subjective adjective when describing looks and personality.So we have a protagonist (the reader) and the love interest (the reader's idea of male perfection) coming together. It's like if when you read Romeo and Juliet, it was really Spoony and Juliet. Wouldn't you care more if you were reading about yourself? And, finally, Twilight has been referred to as an inexplicable cultural phenomenon. This is not entirely true. My counter point to that argument is the Heavy Metal cartoon film. Violence, exploitation, nudity, wonderful for guys. Everything we want in a quick simple movie, but its not strong artistically, at least compared to award winning films. The female equivalent of male exploitation and powerful love instead of powerful lust was not a strong contender in the market before twilight. The only comparable piece of literature would be those harlequin romances with Fabio on the cover.

  • http://twitter.com/Leithinan Tova Vikström

    I SO do agree with you!! They're really not good-looking :S And man! She has about the personality of a wall! Nono, walls have more than her, actually! And she's goddamn mean to everyone! Geez.
    Okay, I admit I've read the books, and I hated her for that scene in the mountains! It's just… does she value her “love” at ALL?! Egoistic -.-'

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=542740257 Josh West

    The Volturi(sp?) are there because Mormons don't like Catholics.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrew-Sullivan/1634714381 Andrew Sullivan

    I'll admit to not watching any of these movies or reading any of the books (seeing as I'm 26 and a GUY!), but all this series is to me is

    “Make me a vampire”
    “No”
    “Make me a vampire”
    “No”
    repeat ad nauseum.

  • http://twitter.com/BlackCycFan Michael Connell

    Spoony, I have to say please watch the Avatar cartoon. That's right, cartoon, as it's not an anime, but rather influenced by anime. Comparing Avatar to an anime series is like comparing Jade Empire to any of the Final Fantasy games, it's that different. The characters are interesting and surprisingly vomplex for a kids' cartoon, the story while lighthearted can turn dark, and the acting is mostly good (George Takei even voices a one off villain). It does have a couple of annoying fillers, but you can skip those. Oh yeah, another reason you may want to watch this, in season 2 they have an episode where they spoof wrestling.

  • cmlazzari

    There is literally no point in trying to deconstruct the inner workings of a deep plot or figure out the symbolism in literature… because to be honest, the books were wrote by a high-school graduate, Mormon housewife with ZERO knowledge or education on how to write. What I find amazing is that this woman would write all the crazy shit that happens in Breaking Dawn; eg. Edward having violent, abusive sex with Bella, the baby breaking Bella's ribs and spine, Jacob falling in love with a newborn baby… dot.dot.dot… Um… What?
    Don't even bother trying to figure it out. There's not substance to the story line, just a steaming pile of bullshit.
    What I don't understand is how can so many people relate to these characters, Edward and Bella and their love story, when (like you said) there is literally no development of their personalities! As a teenage girl, about the only thing you can relate to with Bella is wanting a boy to love you completely…. I'm sorry, but I absolutely hated those girls back in high school that would “toy” with boys and string them along. That's about the most frustrating issue for me in these movies…
    HOW can you be SO completely and utterly in love with Edward and think you're destined to be together so much to the point where you're willing to sacrifice all your mortal experiences in life…. AND yet make out with Jacob and say “Oh, I don't know.. I love you, but not as much” WTF?!?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Renardo-Krootjes/1549164800 Renardo Krootjes

    well out of those, grass is possible, it would be stupid but it would be something, the rest you are right about but grass… it could be really F-ing sharp (like kinfe-sharp) and you'd be in an open field with only grass… or something, i dunno

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Renardo-Krootjes/1549164800 Renardo Krootjes

    3?! i thought there were only going to be 2 more horeshit movies after eclipse… that's it, my faith in humanity is completely gone now, what little there was left has now been murdered by stephanie meyer's “books to fap to” series

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Renardo-Krootjes/1549164800 Renardo Krootjes

    acid rain :D

    or BP world: OIL RAIN!!!

  • Blunderbuss

    Oh god, you said Avatar The Last Airbender was an anime. Hope you like a full inbox of people saying OMG IT'S NOT ANIME!

    Aside from that, the reason this is so popular? I don't know, but for some reason people just lap this shit UP. Teenage girls think Romeo and Juliet is the greatest love story ever, completely missing the fact that the play was about the FOLLY of headstrong love. They write disturbing and crap fanfics that make Twilight look artistic and then cream themselves over how 'hawt' it is. Whatever this phenomenon is, it's much deeper than just Twilight, and I fear for your mortal soul if you go down the rabbit hole of this sort of crazy demented fantasy.

  • Blunderbuss

    Oh god, you said Avatar The Last Airbender was an anime. Hope you like a full inbox of people saying OMG IT'S NOT ANIME!

    Aside from that, the reason this is so popular? I don't know, but for some reason people just lap this shit UP. Teenage girls think Romeo and Juliet is the greatest love story ever, completely missing the fact that the play was about the FOLLY of headstrong love. They write disturbing and crap fanfics that make Twilight look artistic and then cream themselves over how 'hawt' it is. Whatever this phenomenon is, it's much deeper than just Twilight, and I fear for your mortal soul if you go down the rabbit hole of this sort of crazy demented fantasy to find the answer.

  • Poipoi

    I know a worst villain then the wind and its ” Killer radioactive Dust Bunnies! ” And when you piss them off enough they combine to become a giant killer Dust Bunny.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1133110802 Ashley Amaral

    I didn't really check the comments to see if anyone has said this yet so if someone has then just skip this.

    I've read the first 3 books, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I did kind of enjoy them for a time. Granted, I was probably about 13-14, and I am a chick, and I had a raging fever and was forced into bed with nothing to do. But after I got older, I started to ask myself why I liked them. Why other people even liked them. Because really, they're not good. At all.

    Eventually I think I figured it out. Reading the books, you can especially tell that the characters have extremely little personality. And that's exactly how they're supposed to be. Bella is such an empty shell of a character because girls are supposed to be able to put themselves in her spot and make her a copy of themselves. In the books, half the time the things she did show an interest in were left blank. Her favorite music was your favorite music. Her favorite books were your favorite books. Same with her dislikes. She was annoyed by her parents, school, and didn't like sports. Like most teenage girls.

    And in a way, it's the same with Edward. You were basically given his hair and eye color and told he was extremely attractive, and the details were left up to you. Your mental image of him was based on what you find attractive. Oh, and he likes everything Bella likes. Which is what you like.

    It's just madlibs. Fill-In-The-Blanks. It's so easy for girls to turn it into what they want to see, and that's probably why I cannot find a single guy, gay or straight, that likes it because they just can't fill in those mental blanks. The movies are just eye candy for the people who read the books and a huge money making scheme, because no matter how bad the acting is and how basic the plotline is, all they really had to do was follow the book EXACTLY and take lines DIRECTLY from the book in order to make it a hit. There's no point in analyzing it because you're looking for something that purposely wasn't put there to begin with.

  • Poipoi

    A Mormon? Thats explains the repressed sexual tension without the ability to actually have sex in the story.

  • Poipoi

    And another thing, you seen the Burger King commercals? Ones where they brought Real fans of Twilight in to help the people choose a side? That is both funny and a little bit scary watching fans argue who's side is better.

    Edward because they are destines to be. Choose Jacob because he has a pulse and Edward is dead. Edward isn't dead, he just lives forever and jacob has fleas.

    lol Okay so not those exact words but I know I wouldn't want some crazy fangirls telling me what side to scratch for some lousy prize I may not win.

    • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/SHCK6POF47ILZAQMKF5GS3HZQY Alyssa

      “You can pet Jacob.”

  • http://twitter.com/HHKelevra Delante Capers

    Villian more stupid than wind? Easy.

    Canned fruit.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/3DIHJ5LML4FLL6OK6TWRSAU4EY Charles G

    I think the attraction to Twilight is that vampire automatically equates to “dark/edgy/sensual/immortal”, which works since all girls want bad boys. But not TOO bad, since we're going to negate pretty much all of that and leave in its place a simpering doe-eyed pretty boy (if this had come out a few years ago Spike couldn't have made fun of Angel anymore for being defanged). This way he's safe and suitable for a longterm relationship while still keeping this mysterious dark past that threatens to tip him over the abyss…even if HIS trip over the abyss is a hissy fit.

    And Avatar: The Last Airbender is the BEST American cartoon of the past decade, possibly going even further back – I would strongly urge anyone to see it, I think it compares favorably to the likes of Gargoyles – but the movie is an abomination that needs to be retconned with extreme prejudice.

  • http://twitter.com/lorddeox Steven Horsecoft

    I have it, the concept of hapiness

  • http://onlyfivethemes.wordpress.com/ ScoreKeeper

    I'd even say the finale of the first season. Siege of the North was pretty dark for a kid's show. And breathtaking because of it.

  • http://onlyfivethemes.wordpress.com/ ScoreKeeper

    It's nothing unusual for a book, a good book, ANY book, to get turned down by several agents before publication. The industry is INTENSELY subjective and really it's getting the right person to read the right book on the right day when they've had the right mixture of sugar and cream in their coffee. That agent then has to get it to the right editor who has to get it to the right group of publishing sales execs, all of whom need to be in the right mood. It's like playing the freaking lottery, even if you have a really good piece of work.

    However, there are certain industry standards. One of which is that debut novels over 100,000 words rarely sell. And that's in fantasy. Debut in most genres is 60,000 – 90,000 words. 100,000, really, is pushing it.

    Twilight? 135,000 words.

    I want to know what the heck happened here.

  • mxy2

    Fist of all, there is something Bella is interested in and yes, she has it in common with Edward. They both like classical music. In the first movie, when she goes to his house I think she sees his music and she likes it too. Also I think they both like classical literature. I think she said that she doesn't like music in New Moon when she was insane so I don't really know how to explain that. Second, I saw that somebody made this argument, and I know that other people agree, that Bella is a blank slate that a girl can imagine herself as. Well, yeah, she could but I just couldn't do it. She's such a bitch and I hate everything that I found that she likes. Also, even in the books, Edward isn't my type and Jacob isn't either. All the guys are overprotective, abusive and creepy. I wouldn't want her life even if I could imagine myself as her. Lastly, I totally agree with you about Bella and Edward not seeming in love in the movies. I'm actually really uncomfortable when I see them together because they look like their in such physical pain. I don't think that's the point. However, as I said in my comment on your New Moon Review, it is hilarious (althought this one wasn't as good as New Moon). Sorry for rambling.

    • Anonymous

      In the book Eclipse, Bella throws out all her CD’s, refuses for the radio to be on in her truck, and (in the movie) tells Jacob to turn the music off because she is depressed and says that all music does is remind her of Edward. Something along those lines…

  • http://twitter.com/yellowclaws Preethi

    I hate twilight I rather be locked a room, and forced to watch magical girl anime for a month ( I hate that kind of anime) . Maybe that's why I don't understand this generation.

    Yay I have something I looked back at and thought why did I see it's Captain planet.

    Hey Sponny I saw “the happening” I thought the movie made very clear that the plants were killing the people, not the wind.

    What sillier then wind as a horror movie villain, how about an evil wedding dress

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/SH7TFFKSIBPEI57B66NPP4BYP4 Rob

    Now seeing all the negative comments exteremely conflicts with my impression of the series. By no means do i enjoy the movies or the books (even though i have read them), but i see this whole saga as a very good thing. It shows that no matter how wierd or embarassingly fucked-to-hell-retarded something is, there are people who like and defend it. But more importantly the “saga” days that when push comes to shove anything, no matter how stupid, can be made into a best-selling book series and that anything, no matter how piss-drinkingly-awful, can be made into a hit movie series. I wanna be a famous writer and if a socially retarded, mentally unstable, mormon chick can then hell yes i will!

    …but my stuff will be readable.

  • BrokenSoulAngel

    Eclips was ten times better then the last airbender….and that is so bad. I hate the Twilight thingy more then….Jar Jar Binks -.- Thats how bad the movie is, and the worst part is that I have been a BIG fan of the series for like, years.

    I think you sould go online on YouTube and just search for some clips from Avatar-The last airbender series before you see the movie. Try to get some with the fight scense.

    They are not really anime, they look like it, and still not…But the story telling is amazing. It looks amazing, everything about the series is just amazing.

    Eclips was bad…the last aribender was assrape…

    Nice review and I don´t have any awnsers for you on you many questions xD

    PS.
    Here are some links if you wanna cheak out just some action scense from the series, just a tip before you see the movie

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzkVlxCOxiY

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYzDUVMSMOI&feat

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7imHjF-qwcY&feat

  • Franky_2

    There is only one monster dumber in concept then the wind and that is…the Nothing, in The Neverending Story.

  • JALAPENOWAYNE

    My mom and I think most women over the age of 30 read those Harlequin Romance novels, the ones with Fabio on the front. I was about fifteen and as a joke I read some the book out loud it was the one with the chick getting rammed in the pumpkin patch (I'm not kidding) and let me tell you those books have the most graphic depictions of sex I think I've read outside of a Penthouse forum (don't judge). I think It's funny as much as Twilight makes reference to such things, none of it happens.

  • Dreammirror

    With over 550 comments thus far, most has been covered except one thing…EDWARD VS BLADE–WHO IS DEADLIEST?
    Spoony's scientists will analyze each warrior and their weapons (sparkles, angst, and superhuman strength, vs Custom made Ninja to, High volocity handgun with exploding silver tipped garlic filled hollow point rounds, and spiny chakrum of death). Using super computers and advanced Windows Vista, we will determine once and for all the winner of this eternal question. WHO IS DEADLIEST? Coming soon! :P (hopefully!)

  • LeeEnfeild

    If so many teenage girls have standards -this- low, how come I couldn't get a single date in high school?!

  • http://www.saisasylum.com/ Sai

    I heard that Meyer once said she's going to write all the books AGAIN from Edward's POV this time. If she suddenly became the greatest author in the world those could be like Edward just going on about how easy it all is and how he's done this with dozens of teenage girls over the last 100 years for kicks. But sadly that is not to be.

    Why? Why are they in love? Because this is Stephanie Meyer's creepy wish-fulfillment fantasy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-Barber/100000376206266 John Barber

    Well I think I have it figured out maybe. The reason why people actually like this series.. As Ashley mentioned, the whole character depth is kind of left blank, so in turn the reader can can insert their own information (Although I think this was more of a fluke then on purpose, was not meant to be a blank slate, just a horrible author). Did you ever read those D&D books where you would roll a dice or make a decision then turn to predesignated page to see what would happen just to cheat and flip back to the previous page claiming you did not actually die.. That's what Twilight is! It's D&D, but for women! Just a self fantasy fulfillment.

  • http://twitter.com/GodhandRubedo Ted Zimmerlee

    Also got some other “worst movie villian” idea since the rain as a villian isn't that much of a “worst villian”. I got some:

    Pubes, bread, silicon, linen.

  • zarrotsu

    Because you're not like Edward.

  • LeeEnfeild

    Super. Now I'm confused -and- depressed.

  • Zeikfried

    When you were in high school, were you an incredibly gorgeous vampire? (If so, why were you in high school in the first place?)

  • LeeEnfeild

    I went to high school so nobody would catch on that I was a bloodthirsty creature of the night! It's genius, because nobody ever suspects teenagers of wrong-doing!

    ….wait.

  • theshamster

    I wonder what Bella will do after the story has ended?

    Lets see now…she bitched about 'growing old' and wanted to stay young forever, and now that shes a vampire who apparently is far superior in controlling her desires than any other vampire ever…Plus she has better powers than all of the others.

    She and Edward have vampire sex constantly…and thats pretty much it. She only wants sex and to look sexy forever and do absolutely nothing else.

    Does she use her powers to help those in need? like the homless? Rape victims? Stop terrorists? become a fassion model? find a cure for aids or cancer? anything at all?

    Nope! All she wants is sex, sex, sex, sex and more sex….Which would become boring if you constantly did it over and over.

    Now, if Edward was not a vampire, even if he was drop dead gorgeous with a huge dick and lots of stamina, she would have ignored him right from the begining and instead sat in school, sulking about 'growing old'.

    And what if Edwards father found a cure for vampirism and wanted to give everyone a injection so they can become mortal once more and live happy human lives and grow old together…just like every other creature in existance!…Bella would refuse to take the treatment, even if Edward would (since he hates being a vampire)

    Bella is only interested in staying young forever and showing off her youth to everyone and everything in sight just to say 'look at me! i'm gorgeous and beautiful…and you are not!' and this is what pisses so many people off. Hell, even Lilith (from the bible) isnt as selfish and stuck up as Bella is.

    • The Fiend

      I know you can’t hear it it but I’m clapping as loud as I can.

  • Zeikfried

    I picked up Twilight the other day and started reading it, to see if the whole “self-insert” theory is correct. I'm still reading it, bit-by-bit. I'm not too far in, and I'm still willing to give the series a chance – to find that thing where I can say, “OK, even if I don't particularly like it, I can see why it's popular” – and I'm starting to agree with Spoony.

    At first, I could relate to Bella. She's an insecure teenager who's plain-looking, unathletic, and doesn't feel like she fits in. She doesn't feel like she understands people, or that they understand her. And I can totally understand that. Everyone has felt like that at some point, particularly as a teenager. And yeah, she's self-focused…but again, she's a teenager.

    But, as I read on, I'm seeing where the “she's a stone-cold sociopath” thing comes from. She's not just “I'm a teenager and an only child” self-focused, she's “I am the only actual person in the universe; everyone else is scenery” self-focused. She treats everyone else in the novel as somewhat annoying background noise. She makes no attempt to friend them, or relate to them. There are people interested in her, but she doesn't care: to her, it's clear that they're not people. She's even going out of her way to avoid having to deal with them. The only person she's shown interest in is Edward, and that's just her trying to figure out what he is (and also thinking he's hot). She's shown no interest in who he is as a person; I won't be surprised if she never does. It's becoming increasingly clear that such thinking is completely outside of her capabilities. She likes him the way a 6-year-old likes their favorite doll or action figure.

    Moreover, she doesn't have *vague* interests, which would give me at least something to relate to; she has *no* interests. She doesn't have friends to talk to or hand out with. She doesn't read. She doesn't watch TV or movies. She doesn't listen to music. She doesn't play any games. She has a computer, but she doesn't surf the Internet; she just e-mails her mom, and that's it. She has no creative interests – she doesn't write, or draw, or compose music. She doesn't even sit around playing Solitaire. She does nothing except for make dinner (which she treats as a chore, as opposed to a creative interest), do her homework, cry because she's in a rainy town and she likes the sun, and puzzle about what Edward is. She's not ambiguous and vague, allowing me to project my personality on her; she's incredibly shallow and hollow inside. How can I relate to a character who is actively disinterested in everyone and completely uninterested in everything? How can I relate to a character who is this absolutely and completely self-focused? How can anyone?

    At the point in the novel I've reached, I can kind of relate to Edward; he's shown at least some emotion, he's a bit snarky, seems somewhat intellectually sophisticated for a high-schooler (because at this point, as far as we know, that's what he is), and seems to view high school drama with detached amusement. And he's become interested in Bella because he can't read her like he can read everyone else. And I'll be honest: I'm hoping that, as the novel goes on, I can continue to find at least the bare bones of a personality for him, like I see now, so I can say that, OK, at least there's something to work with here (and also, being a guy, being able to ape the male love interest in a series of novels that's obscenely popular with women may have its advantages). I'd like to be able to say that I can at least *understand* Twilight's popularity, even if I think it's badly written. Hell, I'd like to be able to say that there's something genuinely worthwhile about it that I like. I'd like to be able to say, “Well, Twilight may have its flaws, but in its defense, it has X going for it, and if you look at it that way, it's a satisfying read.”

    But, if the current trend continues…I'll have to ditch my “it's a self-insert fantasy” theory and go with Spoony's “I have no idea how in the hell anyone can like this” theory.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zach-Gacula/100000350486881 Zach Gacula

    Jacob is not a rapist (spoiler alert! just a warning) hes a PEDOPHILE!!! XDDD

  • jeremy81

    just went on imdb…and i was extremely shocked to learn that actor michael sheen aka lucian the lycan from the underworld films had a role as a vampire in one of the twilight films…i think that's a miscast if you ask me..

  • PhantomX

    You know, really, I can't figure it out either. For me, the only thing that can explain it all for me is narrowing all down to one answer:

    Stephanie Meyers is the AntiChrist.

    Hey, with all this going on, it isn't THAT hard to believe.

  • PhantomX

    You know, really, I can't figure it out either. For me, the only thing that can explain it all for me is narrowing all down to one answer:

    Stephanie Meyers is the AntiChrist.

    Hey, with all this going on, it isn't THAT hard to believe.

  • isabellemarquise

    Your desperate cry for experts on Twilight made me think immediately of Cleolinda (http://cleolinda.livejournal.com), who's become known as a “Twilight blogger”. She first recapped the books and has since moved on to writing small essays deconstructing the phenomenon and positing theories on why it is so popular with the people that it is. Hope this link helps!

  • AsukaSoryu

    Considering how old Edward is, he's a pedo to. XD

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zach-Gacula/100000350486881 Zach Gacula

      Twilight is full of pedo vampires and werewolfs XD

      • Anonymous

        Twilight a romatic tale of pedophilia, necrophilia and it’s all based around a main character that’s impossible to actually like/relate to.

  • PhantomX

    Also, here's another thing. If you go on wikipedia or her website, we don't receive a full on telling of what Stephanie Meyer's childhood or teen hood was like. It does say she was one out of six children and she was instantly married at the age of 21. Some of it really feels like she might have grown up in a broken home. And from what it looks like, her material is appealing to many of a broken home background as well.

    But like I mentioned before, seriously, her being the AntiChrist is probably the best explanation. How in the world does someone break every single rule in the story-telling book and get's so much popularity? It's one of the most injust things ever in the history of mankind! XO

  • http://www.facebook.com/cardno C William Cardno

    I strongly believe that everyone is approaching the “saga” the wrong way. It's not a romance story, it's not an action story, it's not even really porn. We are all part of an experiment, and like good lab rats we press the button. Through the penmanship of a woman who seemingly came out of nowhere, we are being taken on a journey the likes of which no author has devised. Not as a method of escapism or philosophy… but to see just how unlikable you can make your protagonist before the entire human race openly revolts with pitchforks and torches against the story.
    Stephanie Meyers is a fucking genius!

  • theshamster

    Not only that, but in breaking dawn, Meyers makes Bella supreme in her powers and controlling her 'hunger'…oh, and increases her sex drive, so she fucks Edward almost every single day whenever he kisses her.

    Its a insulting joke to overpower your characters in stories..Everyone is meant to have a weakness or flaw…Heck, I'm going to be an author and I'm giving all my characters flaws and weaknesses (even the divine beings, like dragons and gods) because it makes them…i dont know….whats that word again?….oh yeah! “BELIEVABLE”

    • http://www.facebook.com/cardno C William Cardno

      lol. I’m with Spoony on this one… I can not wait to see that movie!
      I’m actually working on a novel myself (and by working on, i mean writing drafts and then deleting them because they suck) and the first thing you realize is that if your protagonist doesn’t have a weakness of some kind that the antagonist can exploit, you don’t have any drama. With all the Deus Ex Machina on Bella’s side, I’ve left every film wondering what the threat is. Why are they running? Where is the tension? Are we just waiting to see if Edward and Jacob will just give up and kill the manipulative cock-tease?
      Harry Potter is another series that gets a lot of flack, some of it deserving. But at least JK Rowling put her protagonists against a villain who you get the sense could just fuck shit up at the drop of a hat; and the kids had to grow in both strength in character before being able to even so much as put up a fight.
      With Twilight there’s… what again? Oh yeah, a psychic who is with the “heroes” and the main love interest (Edward) fucked up one of the elite vampires in the last movie. So in the end, all we have to care about is how Jacob is being toyed with and rooting for him to just jump ship and stab Bella in the back for all the shit she has done to him. Either literally or metaphorically, it doesn’t matter… it’s the only drama I’m getting from these abominations and I want it pay off!
      I never thought it possible that I could reduce myself to following this series for no other reason than my animosity towards it.

      • Anonymous

        I wish you the utmost best in your novel…May both of us help in repairing the damage done by SMeyers insult to vampires and literature!

        I myself like Harry potter as it has fully 3d characters, some of whom you find youself becoming fond of…and others that make you want to reach into the book and strangle them (Umbridge is a classic example…that female Hitler!)

        Twilight only got published because a female slush-pile editor liked the story and BEGGED the manager to publish it…leaving thousands of more worthy manuscripts to be doomed to the rejection-slip letter.

        I know it’s wrong to make fun of another author, but Meyers has insulted literature and vampires so badly that even mentioning ‘vampire’ requires adding the words “not the twilight kind”

        • http://www.facebook.com/cardno C William Cardno

          I wish you the best in your writing as well and hopefully this Twilight thing will not last too long at all. Meyers will be forgotten in a decade, the movies will collect dust and most of the actors will move on.
          I enjoyed the Harry Potter series as well, though pretty much everyone in books 1 and 2 were not as fleshed out as they could have been. I actually think an inadvertent benefit of the series is watching an author grow – but it’s also one of the things the series suffers from, as people have gotten deterred by the first few books. Half-Blood Prince (btw, the movie… NEVER HAPPENED) is very complicated and yet tight as hell – which not many authors can pull of and which is a complete 180 from where Rowling was as a writer when she started IMO.
          In a weird way, even though my original comment on here was tongue and cheek, I kinda hope it’s true. If this was some literary/social experiment, Twilight would be amazing and actually contribute something of great value and the publishers would deserve a standing ovation and the praise of millions. Call it naive optimism, which it certainly is, but part of me doesn’t want to believe that the same plague that struck the music industry and the major hollywood studios has gripped the world of literature. There was a time when “will it sell” was still a high priority, but the first and most important one was “does this sound like a good film/band/book” and failing to convince your distributors of that meant no entry.
          If this isn’t an elaborate lark, then it is the saddest victory for corporatism and the artist is a dying breed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Trevor-Gale/100000122868109 Trevor Gale

    I can answer everything you want to know about the sex issue easy: Stephanie Meyer is Mormon as shit. So she was raised in and environment where they pretend sex doesn't exist, and when they can't, missionary position is the only possible way it can be done, and even then they try to touch each other as little as possible. So Meyer is struggling between her desire to do a hot steamy romance and the fact that she's not supposed to even admit you can combine the organs of a man and a woman for a pleasurable experience.

    I mean that was probably really bigoted and has almost nothing to do with actual Mormons, but it's literally the only explanation I can come up with that gives Meyer anything even remotely resembling an excuse.

  • DeathsHead419

    You know, if somebody took all the comments posted here and bound them into a book (unedited) that book would be several orders of magnitude better than anything Miss Meyer has written.

  • godzillaexpert

    My Mom only likes the film for the action
    She only likes the 1st film because of the baseball scene.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tyson-Charles-Peppler/675278967 Tyson Charles Peppler

    But… That was a wicked idea. If you treat the “Neverending Story” world as an allegory for a child's imagination; our imagination – then the “Nothing” is the loss of imagination as you grow up or become jaded.

    It's quite like the “void” as the ultimate evil in various fantasy novels. It's always very cold, because entropy is the greatest unavoidable threat life faces. Like the final boss.

  • SayaCeline

    How you defended wrestling in the beginning is EXACTLY how I defend my liking Twilight. I know it's stupid. I know it's basically a published fanfiction. I know that Edward is creepy and stalkerish and Bella only has a few moments where she seems human. I like manipulative Bella as she teeters between Jacob and Edward. That made her seem human to me! You know like the whole do I like him or don't I feeling. But I still really like it. I like sitting around with my friends making inappropriate jokes while we watch the movies because, aside from Bella and Edward, the supporting characters can be really interesting and even worth of their own stories. I mean a vampire who has fought his own bloodlust and became a doctor so he could even live with himself is interesting. A woman who is gangraped and kills off each of them in a wedding dress?! Hell yeah!

    The series is completely stupid and I really liked it. The Twihards though…ug they ruin everything!!! Why is this series so popular? Because moms won't let their daughter's buy the harliquen romance novels. I've defended Twilight and I have the same reaction to when you defend signs.

    I would explain in depth why this is so appealing to teenagers (especially girls) but this comment has gone on way too long. I think it's because when reading the books through Bella's eyes it's a bit easier to buy Edward. For a lot of people the first read through is awww and then some people realize that Edward is creepy (and some don't mind that he's creepy and embrace it) and most of them are stuck on the sweet side of him. The side that isn't all “I will die for you” but rather jealously overprotective and obsessive with crazy eyes. It's a guilty pleasure. I know what I'm reading is absolute crap. You get the people who read it in the beginning, like when it was still underground, and we've moved on to better vampire books. But now it's the teenage girls and parents are just glad they're reading. I was honestly told that by a parent. “At least my daughter is reading a book.” and they're happy because there is no sex in it, just the build up with a cut to black. Not to mention some of those moms love the books too. My friend's mom has a crush on Edward.

    Bottom line (way to go Spoony you got me on a bit of a rant!) the books would have faded away into obscurity if the fanbase wasn't so young and vocal. The movies are just absolute crap. While the books are entertaining to say the least and there is a bit more development with the characters, the movies are just wooden and a joy to make fun of.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ninna.h.jensen Ninna Herthe Post Jensen

    I feel sorry you Spoony avatar the last air bender is going to kill you

    awesome review be the way it was fun to watch^^

    btw Avatar the last air bender the serie is a cartoon not an anime

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/SR554ASYPHW7XFNV3LE5DND3KA Wei JieSoh

    I have heard a lot people commenting that the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon / anime (Heck I will call it animation) is not an anime because it is made in the US and produced in South Korea. Maybe being made in the US disqualifies the animation series as anime, but just to let you know, a lot of anime is produced in South Korea (though no doubt they are conceptualised by the Japanese). Watch the credits of Code Geass and you will see Korean names, does that not make Code Geass an anime?

    Enough of this rant though, I must admit after listening to Spoony's 2 vlogs about the Twilight Series, I feel shocked and horrified that someone could actually like it (or at least like the characters who share the moral depravity of Hitler or some Japanese militarist from the WWII era). Burn Harry Potter Books? I may as well toss the Twilight books into the incinerator if half of what Spoony says about the series is true. I also really like to know why the Twilight series are so absurdly appealing as well.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Borean/100000041163314 Michael Borean

    Btw, if you read the Dresden files, in one of the books a vampire tells her zombie minions to use a flame thrower. So it does happen in other books. Btw, if you haven't read these books for the love of god do so, the Dresden files are on the top of any list you'll find the “twilight saga” on the bottom of.

  • http://www.google.com/profiles/100665430277779489550 Ktosza

    Great review. I haven't seen the movie, but I read 3 of the books (no, I don't know why either. I read the first one, because my friend gave it to me without saying what it is, and the other two… pure masochism, maybe?) and it seriously couldn't be more clear that Bella and Edward do not have anything in common. She loves his (insert many over – the – top adjectives) beauty and he loves himself, too. OK, he also likes controlling Bella's life and that is just creepy. EXTREMELY creepy. I just hope there weren't any men who left the cinema after the movie thinking “ah, so that's what women really want”.
    And they are obsessed with each other for no good reason. Seriously, Edward doesn't even want to have sex! Sure, he says he “can't” (tee hee *immature thoughts*) but he's so wooden and dry and… God, it looks just like he doesn't want to have anything to do with that nasty stuff. He is immature, posessive and creepy, creepy, CREEPY.
    There isn't much I can say about Bella, because really, she's more of a stick figure than an actual character.

    PS. Do I see a Monty Python shirt? It's awesome :D
    PS2. I just read the comment under Brad Jones' review of Eclipse which said (the comment, not the review, ofc) that the most of “wives and girlfriends” are going to like it no matter what the smart men say. Classy. I just happen to be a woman and it seriously makes me hate Twilight even more: it's not only sexist itself, it also make some (emphasis on “some”) women act completely ridiculous (in a way that can be even harmful to them) and some men to believe that women in general are just less intelligent than men. Thanks, Twilight.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/44DJX27OKQMDWSR5JAOM5Q76C4 Tony

    The thing is this forbidden love story has been done already, it was a little show called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now that was true conflict, because if they fucked HE WOULD TURN ALL EVIL AND FUCKING DEVOUR HER. Also can't forget the time where they did fuck and she ended up killing him right when he got it “soul” back, now that was classic storytelling. Of course he came back somehow and we went through the same cycle for another season until they finally called it quits, but at least we got the awesome spin-off that was Angel out of it.

    True Blood (AKA The Sookie Stackhouse Novels) would have made a better movie series, since you know it has actual Vampires, plot development, characters and well….sex. The series also doesn't take itself very seriously, which is probably the main reason why the Twilight shit is terrible, who wants angsty teen ridden Vampire actionless drama when you can have actual substance. Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this, but your summary of the series made me feel like I actually watched the movies and it was pretty much what I expected in the first place.

    Also, Avatar was terrible. I can not stress this enough, they should bring MST3K back just for this movie alone, it's ridiculously bad. I thought that little kid was going to cry at any given moment, the look on his face throughout the entire movie….my god I hope this is the end of M. Night's career.

  • http://womanlymind-tricks.tumblr.com/ Skippy Kay Jay

    I have the exact same shirt that you're wearing! The Ministry of Silly Walks shirt!

    Anyway, I really want to see your Last Airbender review. I'm a huge fan of the show (and I'm not much of a fan of anime, either, it's one of maybe four anime shows I can tolerate), and I saw the movie and I'm currently writing a review of it. It was terrible.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Darkissac Ryan Wisse

    No, it's pretty much just them wanting to fuck. The last girl I was dating wanted me to read it. Even pointing to the novels, they want to fuck. Seriously. Its really all about them fucking. Fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck. Like… especially in the last part. It is all. them. fucking.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/UERUHZ4L55UB6XE5M67S5SI5D4 Daniel Gronsky

    You're on the wrong track comparing them to bodice-rippers. Like you said, those involve the ripping of bodices, which occurs nowhere in the Twilight Saga. No, no – the endless talking about sex without any actual sex occuring, the numerous unnecessary details about inconsequential things; these are much more like Victorian novels. Think Emma or Jane Eyre (which are also terrible books, by the way). A young girl falls in love with an eligible bachelor, who is eligible despite the fact that he should totally be married by then, then then run off and get married. Why do they do it? Because that's just what young ladies do. You don't need a real reason when you're just putting characters into arbitrary pre-defined societal roles. Bella loves Edward because he's the most eligible vampire in all of Staffordshire.

  • kiebeau

    I agree, i was going to post-

    'the fans want immortality, sex and power. But constant thirst, violence, demonic possession and you know 'darkness' is replaced by sprinkles. WIN! yay!'

    But I think you hit the nail on the head.
    Although that said, if that is true. . . just think of how popular Jane Eyre still is.

  • Zeikfried

    I now want to read a book along the lines of “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” wherein a young lady in Victorian society does, in fact, court the most eligible vampire in all of Staffordshire.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/55XFGBT34Y2IXJZSC2MT4QV6AI Andrew

    Jasper sounds like a real General Patton, doesn't he?

  • Audrey N.

    The thing about Bella/Edward is that Edward is designed to be a highly desirable fantasy. Bella is designed to be an empty vessel in which the reader can insert themselves as her. It's less Bella/Edward as it is You/Edward and your True Love. Seriously. Bella is made to be as flat and empty as possible so that it's easier to step into her shoes. The character Bella doesn't really exist, outside of the cosmetic differences from whoever You are.

    Now, why Edward is supposed to be desirable, I can't tell you. Matter of taste, I guess. Some girls like stalkers, the rest of us are really goddamn creeped out by them. Well, and the whole vampire thing, if you're into that. (Not that they're real vampires anyway, but whatever.)

  • Zeikfried

    “You magnificent bastard, I read your book!”

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/EFQ5YFGAIWKUNBNN7DXU3OFTJ4 The Hobbit

    Thankyou for putting words and substance to my homicidal annoyance at this series. Your a king among men…

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/MMMQFI7V4I6QZCB4RUBVY47LDM Sergei S

    This review is whay beter than the movie, HULARIOUS!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1195080257 Mandey Smith

    Spoony, I too have been told many times about the popularity of Twilight coming from the combination of the incredibly elaborate fantasy of Edward and the bland, open character of Bella. To me, however, that has never quite been enough for me to understand. I have a younger sister who ended up reading the first three books (before everyone else was a fan, and actually her junior high school basically started reading them after seeing her with them, and she was introduced to them by a cousin from L.A. who did the same thing at her junior high — and neither like the books anymore). My sister tells me that while it is easy to see the manipulative side of Bella when we are looking at her strictly behaviorally, when we look at her cognitively in the books it is easier to believe she is selfless. Every dumb, heartless action she makes is surrounded by feelings of guilt and self-hatred, whether real or false. This, to me, makes much more sense than Bella just being a blank slate. To me, Bella has never been anything I could remotely relate to. But when my sister pointed out the way the books are written, more defensively around the Bella character with nothing like pesky objectivity to get in the way, she seems much less manipulative. Much more “okay”. She says, also, that you don't have to like Bella to read them, because she hated Bella. She used to rant about her; I know.

  • Zeikfried

    I read a bit further into the book today – as far as I think I care to read – and have come back around to the conclusion that most other people have: it's a self-insert fantasy novel that plays on the appeal of being loved by this hot, eternally young guy who's kind of dangerous but is nice so would never hurt you.

    For a few chapters, I was actually fascinated by Twilight, in much the same way that one might be fascinated by the Holocaust. Bella Swan came across as this clinical sociopath, an emotionally retarded character who not only had no interests or genuine emotional connections to anyone or anything, but seemed unaware that such things even existed. I wondered how in the hell anyone could connect with a character that didn't connect with anything, how they could identify with a character that identified with nothing, who had such a hollow and stunted soul. How could such a character be used as a self-insert? What did it say about Stephanie Meyer, of whom Bella is a Mary Sue? What did it say about the millions of girls who love this series? I was horrifyingly fascinated.

    Then I read on, and discovered that Bella does have at least the basics of human interest and emotional connection; they're just shallow, and not really elaborated upon in any depth whatsoever. The mystery of how anyone could identify with this sociopath vanished. Bella's not a sociopath; it's just that Stephanie Meyer is a bad writer. Bella went from being horrifyingly fascinating to shallow and uninteresting. Edward, similarly, became less interesting when it started becoming clear that there was no real depth to him either, and he was just another cliche “good vampire”.

    In a way, I'm disappointed. I wanted to see just how unthinkingly depraved Bella would get. As it is, I no longer care.

  • DeathsHead419

    Considering the word anime is shorthand for Animeshon, a direct English loanword, there is actually no such thing. It's all animation, the use of the Japanese shorthand by any English speaker is honestly silly. So yes, I suppose you could call Avatar: The Last Airbender Anime the same way you could call the Simpsons Anime; since you're litterally just saying the forign shorthand for an english loan word that means the same thing.

  • Masamune

    Spoony, you don’t need an expert to understand why this movie is so popular. its simple arithmetic! women out number men and this movie is marketed towards them. so when you combine that with the knowledge that stupid people enjoy stupid movies (America is full of stupid people) then its no wonder why everyone is talking about this movie. fuck I hate statistics!!

  • LadyKristinaRose

    These novels/movies are bad and they make me feel bad. Thank the deities for Rifftrax because this is a painful endeavor to go into soberly.
    My opinion probably isn't valid because I quit reading after the 100 page mark in the first collection of printed words on paper bound by covers (I will not call it a book) but when you know that a character is an irredeemable piece of shit after page 4 it's not just EPIC FAIL, it's Ascend to a Higher Plane of Fail. I've read the arguments for the “Audience as Blank Slate Bella” theory, and while I believe that theory is valid for a lot of people, I'm going with my 100 page first impression: Bella is a Lovecraft-inspired abomination.
    She inspires maddening love and devotion from her followers whilst doing nothing more than sowing above-mentioned madness. She assembles a cult of followers at her school, keeping them at arm's length so they're compelled to appease her every whim as she longs to discard them like human sacrifices. She commands the attention of universe's mythological monsters because they know she is above them in terms of monstrousness. She is their god. Edward won't read her mind because it would drive him insane. She makes Haruhi Suzumiya look like Shirley Temple.
    Twilight isn't a nominal romance with twinges of supernatural war; it's the tragedy of a vampire family drowning under the ego of an actual Eldritch Abomination. That's what I got after reading the first 100 pages, however, I could be TOTALLY wrong.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Keith-Guilliams/1436618410 Keith Guilliams

    spooney my man I believe Bill Hicks said best “it's a piece of shit that all it is, walk away don't over analyze just look at say it's a piece of shit and walk away” he was a smart man

  • Zeikfried

    I got the same impression at first. And it would actually be a far more interesting series of novels were that the case. I'd have stuck with the novel were that the case. Unfortunately, as the book goes on, it becomes more clear that it's not so much that Bella is a sociopath who cares nothing for these people; later on, she does show some vague semblance of human connection to them, shallow thought it may be. It's just that Stephanie Meyer can't write for shit.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/PG5F4OSEWLGOVPEHK44ZWDRI4Y Sean

    I just had to say this. :P Avatar the Last Airbender is not anime! It has an inspired anime style as they say but not one iota of it was made in the Far east. :P

    I mean if you consider Teen Titans anime then okay it's anime to you, but eh I don't think so.

  • foodlespane

    Or, you know, it's just a self-insert of the author.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sidney-H-Le/1351751397 Sidney H Le

    What film is the poster on the left side of his room for?

  • EpeEntertainment

    I can't the believe the balls you have if you have ACTUALLY watched all the Twilight movies. I could not watch the first one, more than 30 minutes….and that was pure torture all the way. The hatered started at 10 minutes in!
    I just cant figure out why people are loving this bulls**t. …..I'm not even going to waste my energy ranting about, how awful the first movie was, it's just not worth it.
    Thank God, we have better vampire movies like “Blade” or “Interview with the Vampire”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alexander-Caligiuri/1337182793 Alexander Caligiuri

    I think an Avatar: TLA shouldn't have been “TV show: THE MOVIE” It should have been related… but something like….
    Okay, in the show there's no more airbenders. Let's say Aang dies without managing to reestablish them. A bunch of bad guys (maybe from the three remaining nations working together) decide that since the four nation cycle can't be completed, they can kill the Avatar for good. So first 5 minutes is Aang's death and the next Avatar's birth, then these bad m-fs find this kid and kill it (don't even show it just make it the nightmare of the now adolescent NEXT Avatar). So now with only two lives left, the Avatar has to reestablish the fourth nation and do it fast because damn near everyone wants him/her dead. And now he can't AFFORD not to kill people, he/she's fighting for survival. Of course, these bad dudes could just take care of the new Air Nomads (which may be part of the movie, maybe a sequel).
    That's just what I think and I think it shouldn't even be marketed as kid friendly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zach-Gacula/100000350486881 Zach Gacula

    I may be overthinking this, but in the first twilight movie, when Bella got her truck, she was excited and started going OMG!!!

  • theshamster

    I found out that in Breaking Dawn, the now vampire bella-sue drives a missile proof Mercedes Guardian….I'll say that again…she drives a MISSILE PROOF Mercedes Guardian!?

    By Missile, do they mean 'missiles' like rocks or other debris, or missiles, as in the exploding kind?

    If it's the second one…what the shards? Missile proof cars DONT fricking EXIST! not even in a fantasy!

  • http://twitter.com/gabycullen21296 gaby cervantes

    yea i do realize this is my THIRD comment but it will be short….
    u kno how in the end bella gives this long speech about how it's not about the choice between edward and jacob, it's about breaking away from her human life. which for me the choice wouldnt have been so difficult. and saying this is meaningless, but the point is eclipse centered around bella and her ability to leave her human life. well more over how jacob was her sun but he's 'eclipsed' by edward cuz he's cooler…..anyways,yeah. :)

  • bellaswan90

    I agree with pretty much everything in this review and yet I won the title of (nordic) MTV's Biggest Twilight Fan and a trip to meet Taylor and Kristen in Sweden (which I unfortunately could not attend). I know a variety of twilight fans, some more serious than others, but the one thing in common is that none of them take the “love” part of the “saga” seriously and mostly go see the movies for the overcooked corniness and sparkly men. I mean, I was at the super world premiere on the 28. where you'd think the utmost serious bunch of twilight fanatics could be seen and yet a lot of people there were cracking up just looking at Edward's face or seeing Jakob's nipples appear.

  • deaday

    It's a Hungarian poster of 2001: A Space Oddysey. That's what baffles me. How did Spoony get his hands on a Hungarian poster that even I would have a problem finding, and I live in Hungary!

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/NWPQ2XBO7D3PBUWRA3L4BMU35A Joey

    I'll make this easier for your brain and mine so you can stop analyzing things that are too stupid to be worth analyzing.

    Twilight is a Harlequin romance for people who are too gramatically and sophisticatedly STUPID to read a real work of literature with developed characters and a captivating plotline.

    You know why teen girls love it? It is a book that is about NOTHING but sex and bad life choices because of it, which many girls can relate to because in a largely Christian society there is this horrible guilt about sex. However, these books both makes their guilty thoughts and actions seem ok (by modeling relationships who are absolutely OBSESSED with sex or the lack of it) and also being in line with their values (sex is BAAAAAAAD wait till marriage and just obsess over it).

    Any series that is driven by teen hormones, obsession with sex, and relationships based on them is obviously going to be excruciatingly shallow. The Twilight series are for virgins and/or guilty people who have in common that they are unconditionally and irrevocably OBSESSED with sex.

  • LadyKristinaRose

    Hey Zeikfried! Thanks for the clarification where the books are concerned. You know, I truly feel bad for Kristen Stewart in a way. I know I shouldn't because she's making BANK off this shit but when the girl can be credible as a actress (if a little twitchy), her name is forever tied to Stephenie Meyer and both she and Pattinson have gone on record saying they hate her and the series. I'm a struggling writer and literary critic and the reason I hate this series is because its shallowness panders to the lowest common denominator. I should love anything that gets people holding and reading novels but this . . . ugh. It makes idiots look even more idiotic for worshiping the mess and intelligent people crazy trying to decipher its puddle-like depth.

    I'm kinda crazy. Forgive me ><

    Thanks for talking to me :D.

    Hope to talk you again,
    Kristina

  • aficat

    http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html

    Edward = Mormon prophet. Yeah, this is Bible porn.

    Jacob needs to be tugged around, so that he can be there to ***spoilers, cause I care like that*** imprint on her newborn half demon child with psychic powers and dancy feet torn from her marble womb by the teeth of her vampire husband, who took her to his tropical island for their honeymoon and knocked her up with his ocean warmed sparkleween, since he was in love with her unovulated ovum, and not Bella herself. This will give Bella a reason to use her special power, which is a mystical brain helmet (there's a short bus joke in there), to make sure nothing like actual conflict happens. The next book is based on Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice, and could be completely unfilmable.

  • aficat

    OK, finally got the video player to finish and you did go over the plot, so ignore that paragraph.

    Cleolinda is generally considered a Twilight expert. Try reading her blogs on it.

    Then read Mark Reads Twilight to see how the madness sets in, especially the last review for the last book.

    I have a special vendetta here, since SMeyer and I share a name, and she has tarnished any aspirations I've had of being an author.

  • http://www.facebook.com/joelle.driver Joelle Driver

    A friend described the series best when comparing it to a soccer game: “You watch the game for 2 hours, nobody scores, and the fans tell you 'You just don't understand.'”-Perfect

  • malestrithe

    Probably already been mentioned, but moviebob

  • http://www.facebook.com/admtm24 Adam Timothy Martin

    Spoony, I must congratulate you for your bravery.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Adam-Staley/100000231763949 Adam Staley

    Though I don't hate Twilight THAT much, the skanky whorish attitude of Bella (Kristen Stewart, what have you) is what I truly hate the most. She's an ignorant bitch who has no reason to love Edward other than the reason of just “because.” And it's because of her that makes this series such a contrived and completely idiotic love story.

    Shit, Tenchi Universe is by and large a better love story than Twilight.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-Hernandez/1291310270 David Hernandez

    If you ask me, its just tween porn.

  • http://twitter.com/kidwithalithp Zack Smith

    I know you only talked about it for a minute or so, but after you watch The Last Airbender, you have to watch the anime. Even after a couple of episodes (at least the first 3), you'll see that the anime is really funny and really well done, but the movie is just a disgrace to both the anime and to movies in general. The effects range from mediocre to just horrible, the plot is just a summary of the first 20 episodes of the anime, the characters have no motives, the actors are horrible; it's just all around awful. It's not even bad in a funny way, it's just awful. The dialog is painful to sit through, the acting is even worse, and the entire thing is way too serious and dramatic. When the show was still running, there was even an episode that served only to parady the show itself as being overdramatic and unrealistic.

    I don't care about twilight. I never cared. I just wanted to see how you could fill an hour talking about 1 movie. It's one of the rare cultural phenomena where people hate it with a passion. Twilight is a disease; a spreading disease of unthinkable horror. We need to purify the land and cleanse the world of this horrendous monstrosity. I know it sounds like a horrible thing to do, but remember: if I find you defending a twilight fan, I will not hesitate to do something unspeakably horrible to you and your loved ones. Have a nice day!

    P.S. The Avatar TV series is a better love story than Twilight. I don't care how many tries it takes, it develops a more thoroughly thought out love story in the first 10 minutes than Twilight does in all its movies.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sfrey1 Stephen Frey

    I've written fanfiction for almost 20 years and when I read the Twilight books (because if I'm going to hurt that bad I'm going to do it to myself) I realized that was what they were, actual published fan fiction. To be more specific, a harem fan fiction. Everyone is fawning over Bella who is a Mary Sue (a character with an unexplainable attractiveness that causes everyone to swoon over her). Still, something can be learned from the Twilight books: how not to do story/character development/fight scenes/romantic tension. I've used what I've learned from writing fan fiction to publish my first novel (shameless plug) and Stephanie Meyers is just projecting what she wishes she was onto her characters without even developing them. But I think I've said enough. Great job on the review.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/55XFGBT34Y2IXJZSC2MT4QV6AI Andrew

    If you asked me to rate this series or “saga”, I would give it a suck out of 10. Wait one second… is suck a rating?

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/55XFGBT34Y2IXJZSC2MT4QV6AI Andrew

    I just checked, and no, it's not. Considering that, Iwould give the Twilight “saga” a 2/10.

  • theshamster

    I am going to be an author, so I recommend that you do so as well.

    I know its bad taste to rip on another author, but Meyers has caused significant damage to litterature so we MUST try and repair the damage done by her otherwise future generations will think that reading sucks.

  • dudetheman

    If it's a romantic comedy or a romantic drama or has romance as a plot device at all, woman will watch it. I believe the novels having success beforehand was/is the only thing that makes Twilight different. Otherwise it's just another romantic drama with tweens and angst. But, I guess that's to simple of an answer to satisfy you. It must be some over-blown explanation.. It's not.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/SR554ASYPHW7XFNV3LE5DND3KA Wei JieSoh

    By any chance is it because of the delivery of the scenes in Twilight that makes it appealing to women? When I mean delivery, I mean the music, ambiance or the acting. (Judging from Spoony, I don't think it is none of the examples I have raised but it may work differently for women.)

    My knowledge of the Twilight series is only through reviews, hearsay and watching a Twilight parody. Nonetheless, even by looking at movie posters advertising the series I know it is bad already. The faces of the characters in these posters, especially those of Edward, Bella and Jacob are so vacant and expressionless. And it does not help that I hear reviews like Spoony's thrashing the series.

  • Zeikfried

    Y'know what I think is one of the things that drives people nuts about Twilight? How *good* it could have been, if Stephanie Meyer could actually…y'know, write worth a damn.

    Like Spoony pointed out, this could have been an excellent tragic series if it was about a girl mistaking lust for love and ending up damning herself due to her stubbornness and foolishness. It could have been an excellent romance series with a happy ending if Bella Swan and Edward Cullen were more interesting characters with well-developed personalities and a better connection; it could have Bella really conflicted between giving up her humanity and being able to be with Edward; it could focus on Edward struggling, against the combined might of vampiric society, to protect this one person that, after all these decades, he feels like he finally connects with. The elements are there for excellent storytelling…but they're botched or left undeveloped.

    As it is, it's bad fanfiction.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Stites/100001271840017 Steven Stites

    Oh boy, wait until the last movie. bestiality, necrophilia, pedophilia, you name it. It's gonna be the worst.

  • theInsaneArtist

    I usually find romance movies boring, and that includes the romantic comedies. So that's not it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jorge-Decanini/613664947 Jorge Decanini

    Ok the movie sucks (I still havent seen it but I watched the last two of them) but I disagree about your opinion of Kristen Stewart, I think she is hot, I like her since The Messengers and I really like her bunny/rat teeths.

    By the way, great review and great videos overall, Im your fan.

  • http://twitter.com/Seven_Thirteen Sam

    I know out of your other 650ish comments someone had to say it, but… Avatar:The Last Airbender is not technically an anime. It was made in America. It does look like an anime though.
    If you never watched the cartoon, and went to see the movie? It's just really difficult to follow. If you did watch the cartoon, and you were a fan of it? The movie is just constantly spitting in your face. At some point, I'm thoroughly convinced he really does spit in our faces. (If you're curious, it's when they take out a picture that was actually in the cartoon–an old family portrait of the royal family as they're /supposed to look in the cartoon/ when they /very clearly/ look nothing like that in the movie.)
    It was bad. It was really bad. See it, by all means, but even the effects just don't make up for how crappy it was.

    No idea how they're going to portray the birth of Nessie and every other weird and violent and wtf thing in Breaking Dawn.

    I would absolutely love to say what's wrong with Twilight if asked. On the books, though.

  • Tai_MT

    Spoony, you need to go to Youtube and look up “YAB: You Are Bella”. It's a series done by a girl whom I think is in college. She's got very well constructed thoughts and ideas on the subject, and even good rationalities for why it exists and why it has a huge fanbase. Trust me, you will understand this one so much better if you watch her stuff.

  • theshamster

    I predict that the world will end in 2012 BECAUSE of that film, since part 2 of Breaking Dawn screens in 2012.

    It may take a few months for the horrors to kick in and then the planet will explode.

    Meyers is the darkness of eternity! She must be stopped!

  • jeremy81

    i too read the whole plot summary off of wiki and i gotta say….wow!!! and i agree with spoony about having a director like david lynch to do a film like breaking dawn..with all the stuff that goes on in that book i dont think the next director for twilight 4 will be able to pull it off….and even if they did the film would have to be rated r or something…it would be very interesting to see how the next director would harry potterized breaking dawn…

  • Zeikfried

    I'm watching it now…and yeah, Shmeilia does a total deconstruction of the series, explaining point-by-point why A.) it's popular, and B.) why it sucks…complete with example after example from the series, taken directly from the books.

    I'll totally back this one up as something you want to watch. You want your literary deconstruction of the series? Here it is.

  • Drawsher

    In the book she didn't have really any emotion for it, and the writer clearly talked about how run down and ugly it was. Bella has no emotion to anything.

  • Drawsher

    Bella had no emotion to the car, the writer described it breifly as ugly and run down. And her father said something along the lines, “It's not much but etc.” while Bella said something like “no it is ok…” goes to school with voila. Not much emotion at all in the scene, very briefly goes over it.

  • Drawsher

    You can actually find this series a bit more intellectual if you dig deep in many ways. It has a slight Mormon religious analogy throughout the entire thing, the characters are made to be able to insert yourself into the characters hence the fact they are so bland. But that is digging deep and finding things that might in fact not be there.
    If you are a teenager, a female, you will love this fandom.

    I read the books in middle school, I dislike Edward for his non vampire prickness, I hated Bella for being bland, the secondary characters are ten times more interesting then the main characters. I have had teachers, TEACHERS say that the plot line is amazing, and is a great book within that, even though it written badly. What the–

  • foodlespane

    Heh. Why not? I've heard a guy has already been killed by Eclipse (probably by boredom), so it's not that much of a stretch to say that the world will end because of the last movie.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/L6YM2Q5ZA74CRIMRZIEPYQWOSE Dana

    I have that same shirt XD

    Amen though amen. You and every other critic is still making awesome reviews of these movies even if they such.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/L6YM2Q5ZA74CRIMRZIEPYQWOSE Dana

    This is why I wore my shirt with Bela Legosi holding Edward's head that says “the sparkles end now” to “The Karate Kid” on the day Eclipse came out XD

    I purposely pissed off fans XD

    I actually like the last airbender XD the pacing and dialogue is horrible and they screw up so many things, but I personally hope there is a sequel because maybe it will get better XD It looks pretty and Dav Patrel is awesome!

  • http://twitter.com/dubiousconsent It's that girl!

    I always figured Bella didn't have any interests so that the readers could impose their own hobbies on her. She's a blank slate and people relate to her BECAUSE she's never given any individuality. She could be anyone. Though why you'd want to relate to her is beyond me because of her extreme codependency.

  • http://twitter.com/Goligoth Kevin Budianto

    What exactly is your definition of an anime? Last time I checked “Anime” is a style of animation, though originated in Japan, doesn't mean it has to come from there in order to be an anime. I suppose your definition is “a cartoon made in Japan” and if so you are way wrong. I've seen a few cartoons/animations that were made from Japan and they did not count as a anime.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zach-Sommer/100000706036353 Zach Sommer

    The only way I can find to rationalize the idiotic craze with the series is that the target audience does relate to it. They really ARE so naive as to call teen lust 'love'. They don't understand the nuances and true weight of 'love'.

    Women on the other hand are probably just suffering from a crisis of age and a desire to return to the days of teen passion. To relive their own days of naivety. Why they tolerate it for 500 pages a piece even I cannot rationalize.

  • migx16

    Wanna read a some good romance novels read The Dark-Hunter Novels By Sherrilyn Kenyon. Remember the books are better than the movie, they are not good but better.

  • Cpt_Steele

    i can name one thing theyre mutually interested in

    themselves =D

  • theInsaneArtist

    I was reading Shadow's review of 1972's 'Blacula,' and a question that he asked about vampire sex got me thinking the same about Edward in 'Twilight': “If vampires are not really living creatures – having no beating heart- then how exactly does his blood get down below so he can rise to the occasion?'
    It's been established that Twilight vampire's hearts do, infact, stop. And when they are destoyed they are surprisingly devoid of any blood. So is he like Lestat in that he has a perpetual hard-on? That was because Lestat was essentially a walking corpse, so does that make Bella a Necrophilliac?
    This brings up so many questions that I'm not sure I want to know the answer to.

  • theInsaneArtist

    Yes! Another recognizes the greatness of Kenyon!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Enrique-Lopez-III/100000917074790 Enrique Lopez III

    I hate you Spoony. You're going to make me defend this even though I hate it too. You question how the audience is capable of believing that Edward and Bella are truly in love since they share no meaningful relationship-building conversations on screen. While this is a valid question, the same could be posed for many, many, MANY other works of fiction right up to Romeo and Juliet (though in that case, the idea that lust is destructive is arguably the true main theme even though the narration says otherwise). If you look at many TV dramas, cartoons, anime, and movies, there typically aren't any reasons to be found for characters to be into each other other than, “He's the male lead, and she's the female lead.” I think what sets Twilight apart in this regard as that in many of these other works (dramas not included) the romance is not a main theme and is more of an afterthought, and as such the audience is generally willing to accept it because the characters have earned their happy ending and their personalities seem compatible enough. I think Twilight's problem is that the character's themselves are just so bland and uninteresting that its hard to believe that these people can truly care for one another because of how whiny, neurotic, and melodramatic they are. You touched upon this, but you also dwelled on other points too much for my taste, so I felt the need to give my 2 bits. I don't blame you for not emphasizing what I think, since this is a reaction video and its difficult to formulate these kinds of things on the spot (I'll openly admit its easier to do with leisure time and a keyboard). Keep up the good work, my man!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nikita-Nikolin/100000514652675 Nikita Nikolin

    There is middle ground… there really is, I know these people 3 in fact and they are all GUYS. And their movie tastes aren't bad! I guess they were just go too easy on movies or something…
    When I saw Twilight I went nuts and started asking everybody to say what they think of Twilight. 3 thought it was okay. And only ONE person said it was horse shit… Oh yeah and by the way that person didn't even SEE Twilight! The rest just giggled and said it was great (I asked all my classmates and a few of my friends)
    After that I started thinking I was wrong and missed out on something… But I recovered after seing Doug's review. So thank you guys for getting me out of my confusion)
    P.S. I live in Russia and the people here hate Romero's zombie movies. In fact, they like the remake of the Dawn more than the original. And don't gaet the wrong picture we are normal people but we didn't have a good movie made since the fall of communism.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/E7ZQWIJORD4VOJ62Q6EVN4CDKA Zach

    I haven't had any interaction with the series outside of seeing girls (and one guy) reading the books in class. I didn't want to see it, and I really had fun making fun of it. I knew the basic premise, which is basically “girl loves vampire and trouble arises”. I was already out when I heard that, but the more details I heard, the more I hated humanity. Sparkling vampire? Jesus fucking Christ, thanks for pissing all over Bela Lugosi's grave! Is there anything else sacred to me that they could destroy? What? Werewolves? Fuckin' hell! I say we grease this rat-fuck sonofabitch series right now.

    I read your text add-ons below the video. Jesus, does Bella need help.

  • raebabe

    It’s been awhile since I watched this but there was one glaringly obvious point I still want to point out. I know you said not to mention the books when talking about why you would like this movie but have you ever actually met someone who wanted to go to this movie (wanted meaning they aren’t a review like yourself and not a boyfriend or parent) that didn’t either read the books or have some giggly teenage crush on one of the actors? People like it because one of the actors make them think of kissing and sex and all the other happy/giggly emotions that you get with your first crush. Your cheeks go all red, you smile uncontrollably and you can’t help but laugh because you are overflowing with giddiness. Personally, I think it’s odd if you go because of an actor as a grown adult because the actors are so close to the legal age to make me think “ewwww….perv” but people do. People who go because of the books KNOW the movies can’t dream of ever measuring up to the books but they go because they either felt more passionately turned on than they thought they could after years of being used to sex (meaning a LOT of older women rediscovered that giggly sexual antici…pation they thought they were too old for) or they were feeling first physical desire of their young lives. And the whole point is one the Harlequin novels should really take to heart. In the books and the movies you get drug on as LONG as possible without having sex. THAT is what makes you turn the pages so fast. THAT is what makes you become so invested in the stories. THAT is what makes you all tingly when you read no matter who you are SO consequently THAT is why we get so excited over the movies. It’s all about trying to recapture that sexual tingly passionate feeling even though we know it can’t possibly measure up.
    Women know that Bella is a blank slate (kind of the point since a LOT of people imagine their own face when they read the books) and that there are so many things that Edward and Jacob do that are just creepy or gross. But again it has to do with how they are written. They could do something completely and fully disturbing like falling passionately in love with a newborn infant and wanting to have sex with it and get married but as long as it’s written the right way you read it you laugh literally out loud. People want to see that in the movies without even a though to how creepy it is until you explain it out loud. So many people claim that Stephainie Meyer is a bad writer because of the holes in the story BUT if she were a bad writer she wouldn’t have people the world over falling over themselves to get the next book or get tickets to the movies. Even though people don’t like it she’s great, awesome even, at writing sex for women which is to say that once you get it all that antici…pation is gone the story is over. People want those lusty emotions but actually getting the sex would end those tingly giddy emotions so at the same time they WANT to be strung along between Edward and Jacob as long as possible and she as a writer delivers that very well. The fact that other writers like Stephen King (whom I adore btw) get so mad at her is proof that she’s good at her craft. Who else could make these well-known people angry because they never had that kind of success? Who else could create this cult following for what most people will admit is a pretty disturbing or at least creepy love story?

  • Ben_Murphy

    (In response to raebabe) …Whereas men are immune to the antici… pation as you call it and for the most part–reading the books gets incredibly dull after page 170 or so of the first book. I think if the Twilight series has taught me anything, it is that if I should ever myself encounter a vampire myself I can just push it the hell away. Maybe I'm just hostile to vampires because I was raised on Castlevania (Team Belmont?).

    It seems to me that the underlying theme of this dreadful series is ” Be something you're not.” The Cullens are vampires… but they don't let themselves hunt humans. The Quailutte (sp?) Werewolf clan strip naked to the waist and play grabass in the woods so they won't succumb to the beast within and rip people to shreds (like real werewolves do)

    Bella Swan is written to be an introverted bookworm–yet she's inexplicably got these losers falling over themselves to win her affections… Spoony hit the nail on the head–she's a cocktease. *shrug* I hate so much about what these books/movies/fangirls/boys represent. Stephanie Meyer, you suck.

  • ThornheartCat

    Dude. You have to make such a documentary. Get literary analysts to analyze the books, sociologists and psychologists, get fans and antis. Also Twimoms. Because there are mothers who love Twilight. They're pretty fucking scary. Teenage girls? They'll forget this shit. Middle aged women will be all over this shit for a long time. They're just…. Ugh. But seriously, I want this explained too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Francesca-Courtin/100001310926196 Francesca Courtin

    Yeah well, it's all teenage angst tacking itself too seriously. The worse thing about it is that it wasn't even written by a teenager. So this mormon women brainwashed on how pure and wholy love is, she discovers something dark in her, ragging silently since adolenscence, and she can't identify it. Lust? Maybe, but she wasn't brought up to understand the ID pulsions, and how connected sex is with another pulsion toward death and violence. For her love is happy clappy and she won't admit otherwise. So writting this book for her was about expressing something she can't figure out – but that is just so obvious for the rest of the world. Yes, it's the desire to be enslaved, to be rid of one's overwealming freedom. It's the macabre desire to disappear in the other, to forget the pain of being in one's mind. Tormented poeple that already feel empty find another one like them to cling on for dear life. In the background of this movie is just two suicidal young people that won't get oven themselves. It isn't about love for one second. And you are right. it is about sex. But not like on porn, or in a love relationship, where it is open and admitted, it's all this “hide it away and burry it” christianity that leads to real pathological dreariness.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Francesca-Courtin/100001310926196 Francesca Courtin

    Yeah well, it's all teenage angst tacking itself too seriously. The worse thing about it is that it wasn't even written by a teenager. So this mormon women brainwashed on how pure and wholy love is, she discovers something dark in her, ragging silently since adolenscence, and she can't identify it. Lust? Maybe, but she wasn't brought up to understand the ID pulsions, and how connected sex is with another pulsion toward death and violence. For her love is happy clappy and she won't admit otherwise. So writting this book for her was about expressing something she can't figure out – but that is just so obvious for the rest of the world. Yes, it's the desire to be enslaved, to be rid of one's overwealming freedom. It's the macabre desire to disappear in the other, to forget the pain of being in one's mind. Tormented poeple that already feel empty find another one like them to cling on for dear life. In the background of this movie is just two suicidal young people that won't get oven themselves. It isn't about love for one second. And you are right. it is about sex. But not like on porn, or in a love relationship, where it is open and admitted, it's all this “hide it away and burry it” christianity that leads to real pathological dreariness.

  • http://openid-provider.appspot.com/jmckesson Nicol Bolas

    “Who else could create this cult following for what most people will admit is a pretty disturbing or at least creepy love story?”

    Being the kind of person who can write shit and get people to pay for it is *not* something that should be praised. We should not *reward* that. Just because something is popular doesn't make it *good*.

    Stephanie Meyer is a bad writer. Period. She may have convinced a lot of people to buy her books, but that doesn't change the fact that she sucks at her craft.

  • http://openid-provider.appspot.com/jmckesson Nicol Bolas

    Arguably my ass; that *is* what Romeo and Juliet is saying. The last line: “Never has there been a tale of more *woe* than that of Juliet and her Romeo.” This was a tale of “woe”. Not something to be emulated, but something to be *avoided*.

    And you're right; many romances in fiction are hollow. But you also explain why: because the romance is a background; it isn't the reason why the story is *there*. Which means that, when your story *is* romance, you have to actually put some effort into it.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_PLXKQFNU2CR5VI5WXUZMSQRL7Y Tony

    Lol until I wrote this comment there were exactly 666 comments. What does that say about Twilight?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cara-Hillstock/534170011 Cara Hillstock

    How long is Twilight going to last?
    Why the heck do you think they've been churning out movies like the world is going to end in two years?

    P.S. Twilight = One girl that's easy to put your own personality over + one guy who is willing to do anything for the girl, yet retain a backbone (if you say so) + fantasy elements + guys fighting over you.
    The end.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

      We still have 2 Breaking Mind films to deal with and a possible “The Host” film

      Although, The Host is still in development so maybe it won’t be made once BD is gone *knocks on wood*

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ray-Kawamura/100000749377753 Ray Kawamura

    So…you're telling me women want to be mind-fucked? seriously? Maybe your stereotypical scrap-booking, soap opera watching idiot who still thinks her “stories” are real. Most women don't fall into that category, thank the gods. Also, Stephen King is a literary GOD, compared to Stephanie Meyers. He has a career that spans close to three decades. Stephanie has written like, what, four books? And from what I have read of the first one, it is at about a middle school level. No, I think Stephen King's career is pretty safe. You know why she sold so many books, so early in her “career”? It's called marketing, something Stephen King and his ilk didn't have a lot of when they started out. With marketing, you can convince a lot of idiots to buy a lot of crappy things.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

      Actually, her books are between 4th-5th grade level

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

      Actually, her books are between 4th-5th grade level

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

      Actually, her books are between 4th-5th grade level

  • http://twitter.com/poetsandrebels poetsandrebels

    I don't agree that there is no middle ground to liking or disliking Twilight. I've read all four of the books, seen the movies and, I admit, enjoyed them all, to some extent (and I'm a girl, if that matters). That being said, I am fully aware that the books are of a literary quality that really should not be encouraged; the characters are badly done and without depth, the plots are half-hearted or non-existent and the language used is just plain bad. All of that in mind, I still enjoy it, for reasons I can’t really explain, even though a lot of the things about it brings me infinite annoyance. I know that probably doesn't make any sense, but meh. So it is possible to be a fan and still have a critical view of the “saga”; I guess you just have to be able to put all the badness aside, or something.
    One more thing. What's striking about Twilight, to me, is that there is so much potential, so much that Meyer could have done with it but didn't, which is kind of sad. I honestly think that in the hands of a more suited author, the Twilight books could've been really great. It’s just too bad, you know?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

      Some people like the secondary characters (Alice and Jasper) or just the potential.

      And some people like the first 3 and try to imagine BD was a bad dream

  • Lyserg0Zeroz

    Anime is the word for animation in Japan, and means Japanese animation everywhere else. I suppose I should check again. [Checks*]… And there: “Anime (an abbreviated pronunciation in Japanese of “animation”) ({blah, pronunciation, blah}) is animation originating in Japan. The world outside Japan regards anime as “Japanese animation”.
    …Wikipedia
    Maybe some people would say “Wikipedia is not always right!!”, but, it's better than just “last time I checked” :)

    (And I do like Avatar)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XQTK4AE6VRGZK2DKQCWTGZYQVQ johnny

    ampersand

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XQTK4AE6VRGZK2DKQCWTGZYQVQ johnny

    the Captain's Wheel twin sized bed with the bright red covers, the WRATH OF KAHN/sci fi posters on the wall, the small window with plastic venitian blinds without any curtains. The sheer mom-and-dad's of it all…the breathing icon of what the phrase “Man Child” is meant to be. I love it.
    lots of epic responses in this reply thread. I ignored it other than what i came across in news/topical shows, just saw the movies for rifftrax. but its success has puzzled me and i've seen some great explanations in the comments.

    • Anonymous

      …what?

    • Anonymous

      …what?

    • Anonymous

      …what?

  • http://twitter.com/ravenofroses the Raven

    I'm sure it's already been mentioned by now, but in answer to your question in the text-bit, it's been theorized that Bella sees Edward as a chance to get what she's always wanted: perfect, beautiful immortality. Any of her “love” is just her manipulating everyone around her to get what she wants, and with Edward and his family, she wants some of that glamorous vampire-ness. She literally wants to be better than human. Her narcissism and single-mindedness manifests in what appears to be a love story but is really a dark plot to burn away the only flaw she thinks she has–humanity. And don't get me started on the baby. That's just a take that at human women who couldn't possibly birth and raise a child as perfect and exquisite as hers. (for a brilliant blow-by-blow commentary that deals quite a bit with these ideas, look up “das_sporking” on livejournal and hit up the twilight reviews. they are a work of art, and they go in-depth about a lot of the things mentioned in this review, by virtue of having no time/word limit.)

  • http://twitter.com/armads Shawn

    Hmmm. Maybe I can explain the Vampire lore issues a bit.

    I will first say that this series seems constantly based on “World of Darkness” by White Wolf publishing. It's a great table-top and Larp, and i see increased similarities. For example this coven of vampires who make the laws sounds a lot like the Cammarilla, where as the other vampires tearing up Seattle sounds like the Anarchs or even the Sabbat. The Anarchs being people who spurn authority and the Sabbat being badasses who have a religious mission to support the will of Caine from the Caine and able story.I would like to point out that the entire western part of the U.S. is controlled by the Anarchs in White Wolf's storylines, so the lines between the two seem a bit blurred. It feels like the just recited the backstory of “Seattle by Night,” a sourcebook by them.

    Anyway.

    The clothing thing is an easy explanation. A vampire, in its most basic form, is a creature that has had its biological processes halted and preserved by the human blood it consumes. A vampire therefore, never truly ages at all. So if you made a teenager or child a vampire, they would most likely be stuck with that undeveloped mind. In the case of the out of era clothing, it can be explained by the vampires lack of evolution. They still dress like they're in the Renaissance, because they still think and act like they are.

    Weapons are again a matter of course. Sure a vampire can move really fast and hit really hard; a weapon cannot. Think about it. If you swung a claymore or katana with enough force to punch through a brick wall and at mach 2, the weapon would be rendered useless in maybe one or two swings at best. But when you can move that fast and hit that hard, your fists might just be the best weapon.

    Guns are another story. Assuming not all vampires are fast enough to dodge bullets, they're pretty much useless. A bullet at its most basic level is a small piercing piece of metal that is meant to penetrate any armor your target has and cause enough trauma to either disable or kill him. In a vampire's case, it does neither, since the vampire doesn't need its internal organs. A bullet wouldn't have any major effect, unless you were blowing limbs off, and for that you would need a very high caliber round.

    Explosives and other fire-based weaponry (such as cannons) are harder to explain, but i think its possible. A vampire is by nature separated from its humanity. It's a predator, and left with only what it knew in life and the instinct-based beast inside of it. The beast has two major uses when it escapes; fight and flight. Fighting occurs during a frenzy, which is shown by all the young vampires tearing up Seattle. None of them have learned any control over their inner beasts, and they're running wild. The other is flight, and since one of the greatest enemies of a vampire is fire, it would almost always occur when there's an explosion. So if you shot a cannon or threw a grenade, you're just as likely to lose control and flee as your opponent unless you have a good handle on the beast within you.

    As for the story, I have to way to figure it out.

    Why did they bring her to the top of a mountain? Probably because it would be hard to get to and out of the way of mortals. If they put her in a shopping mall the other vampires would just tear it apart and make even more vampires. Keep in mind that the ratio of vampires to humans is maybe 1:10000 people. So in any given major city like NYC or Chicago there might be only five to twenty vampires at one time. If mortals learned that there really were vampires in the world, they'd be exterminated by sheer numbers alone. It's why the group that's trying to control vampire affairs wants to keep it on the down low. They don't need another inquisition. (Again, I feel like this entire story was copied from Vampire: The Masquerade.) So putting Bella somewhere where there aren't a lot of people and cameras seems to be a better idea than endangering hundreds of regular people (I'm assuming that after letting them loose they'd fan out and start destroying the surrounding areas being near-mindless killing machines and all.)

    As for the no blood fights, a Vampire won't bleed when it's hit. After all the only reason that occurs for a human is because there is blood pumping in our veins. A vampire doesn't have a working heart or circulatory system, so it won't bleed or bruise when you hit it.

    Also based on your description of a “flat-out evil” character in Bella… It sounds like she'd be a perfect vampire. She's already a soul-sucking creature. She's a master manipulator now, imagine what she could do if she got mortal ghouls addicted to her vitae! A born Ventrue if I ever saw one.

    Ok enough trying to explain vampire physiology. I will now try to explain in some coherent form as to why Twilight is popular.

    Twilight focuses on a girl named Bella. Whether or not here name is meant to be interpreted as Latin is up to debate. (In Latin “bella” means war or warfare.) She has no traits. This is so whomever is reading it will put themselves in her place and go along with whatever is going on. In written form this makes some sense, since traditionally women are considered much more emotional when it comes to romance while men are more visual based. Thus why women have harlequin novels that sell like they're going out of style, and men get off to random pictures on the internet. That isn't par for the course and doesn't apply to everyone by any means, but it's a general rule in most psychology textbooks.

    Then we have Edward and Jacob, who represent two different sides of a young romance. Jacob is impulsive and wants things NOW. He's also a wolf, which most likely is evocative of the “primal” love that is shown in a lot of “bad boy” stereotypes. Edward on the other hand is supposed to be the more rational and mature type of love. He's far older and takes things slower, knowing from his long life that nothing lasts forever.

    The main thing to remember is that women are meant to put themselves in for Bella. The “teams” that arose seem to be based around what type of love a person prefers. The two men are polar opposites in almost every way… except one.

    Both men show off a characteristic that a lot of women consistently say they are looking for in a partner; a good listener. Both Jacob and Edward put all their time and effort into being there for Bella. In Twilight, Edward was always there for her. In New Moon, Jacob shows up and fills the role when Edward cannot. In Eclipse we see what happens when the two collide at once.

    I'd like to point out that these books and movies try really hard to attract women by showing a girl being loved the way a woman wants to be loved. I don't mean to be a sexist or anything by that statement, but numerous studies and books have been done on the fact that men and women want to be loved differently. If you don't believe me, watch the porn they make for men and women. For guys, there isn't any story, and the two (or more) people go at it almost immediately. For women, a half hour or more might go by without any sexual intercourse occurring at all.

    These books seem to highlight that, pairing Bella up with two men who both want to make her happy and love her the way she wants to be loved; albeit in their own ways. The fact that the reader is supposed to take the place of Bella is the way it draws so many women in. With so many people viewing love as a one-sided or hopeless affair these days, it makes sense that this idea would be popular. After all, what could be better than having a romance with a perfect person for eternity with almost no consequences?

    These books disregard the fact that love is logical and focus on premise that love is something that is innate. Meaning that the reason love doesn't work for people and the reason no one can understand Bella's devotion is because they are trying to impose logic on an illogical emotion. Then again Bella is also supposed to be a teenage girl in high school, and from what I remember those days were very emotional. Many of the older women who read these books seem to yearn for their “glory days” in the same way that older men wish they still had a six pack and didn't have so much responsibility. It's an escape for women, and that's why it works.

    Now I'm taking these books and looking into them like they're meant to be be porn novels the way other romance novels are. It works simply because it's written so that the reader become Bella and is meant to felt like they are being loved by this character. Granted for most men this is probably difficult, since the immersion factor is quite low. The only way these books work is if you completely buy into everything that is going on without question of the logical issues. It's emotion-based, and thus doesn't have to make complete sense. After all, love doesn't make sense.

    In this day and age the average new marriage lasts about five years. Put that into the context of this book, and you suddenly realize that there are most likely a lot of people looking for the perfect romance with a guy who not only gets their drive for individuality, but empowers and encourages them to be themselves in the face of a very disapproving world.

    I'm not aware if this has answered any questions, but I'd love to debate this with you in your “round table” as you called it. Good luck in your future endeavors.

  • goodguya

    I got a stupider monster. Skin flakes.

  • Anonymous

    I got a stupider monster. Skin flakes.

  • Anonymous

    Hey Spoony One. I’ve been watching your reviews since your first Final Fantasy rampage a few years back. You prove that viewers don’t have to be gamers to enjoy your witticisms. Kudos.

    So. I’m here to answer a few questions. Before Twilight became the obvious trainwreck it is today, I was a Twilight, preteen fan. The only way I can really explain why it became so popular is because I really think the first book was intended for preteens. It was more or less innocent because all they really did was talk. Also, when it comes to fantasy, it was a tad more romantic than anything girls my age were used to reading. I mean girls are generally romantic and Edward had the dialogue that most girls fantasize having. Stephenie Meyers tries to portray him as dark and mysterious and sensitive, and, in the book, Edward and Bella have some obscure things in common. They like some Victorian-aged stuff, Clair de Lune and, well, talking to each other (But it’s not like they talk about philosophy or anything of substance, just favorite colors and protecting each other).

    It works in the first couple of books that Bella has no personality so that any girl could pick up the book and pretend that they were the one who was being swept off her feet. I read it. I liked it.

    I mean I liked it until the FOURTH BOOK. Spoony One, you don’t know the meaning of fallacy until you read the Twilight Saga. Meyers built this great plot and completely obliterates it in the fourth book. I swear, she must’ve been held hostage at gun point with her manuscript in her hands and told to burn what could’ve been way better than this piece o’ crap. It was as if deluded, screaming fangirls wrote this in hopes of destroying innocence, logic, and anything that could’ve been called romantic. Actually, I was so frustrated with it, I read it halfway and then returned it for my money back.

    SO SPOONY ONE I DARE YOU TO READ IT. I dare you to count like you did with your fuse boxes and see how this story keeps degrading what could’ve been meaningful and insightful. One more thing, MORALIZE IT.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      So in the first book, all the characters do is talk? And anything you talk about is innocent, no matter what the characters say or what the discussion is about? And if “Bella has no personality” how can you say that “Edward and Bella have some obscure things in common”? And how can Bella and Edward have a deep understanding of each other if they never “talk about philosophy or anything of substance”?

      In another post you insult LDSocrates because you think he doesn’t read a lot of books.
      “It is simple to see that if you read, and you do read other literature, right?”
      Why do you say that? and since when did literature become a superior format for translating an idea? Does writing down your ideas suddenly give them more merit?

      And in another post, you say: “Who could doubt that the meadow scene was intended to be romantic? I, certainly, see it was meant to be so.”
      Which means you care about what the author is trying to do and what she intends.

      In the same paragraph you later say: “In my commentary I spoke only of the book’s content; not the author’s fantasies. I could care less for the background when the product is what is, overall, judged.”
      Which means now you don’t care what the author intends?

      All of these things confuse me.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      So in the first book, all the characters do is talk? And anything you talk about is innocent, no matter what the characters say or what the discussion is about? And if “Bella has no personality” how can you say that “Edward and Bella have some obscure things in common”? And how can Bella and Edward have a deep understanding of each other if they never “talk about philosophy or anything of substance”?

      In another post you insult LDSocrates because you think he doesn’t read a lot of books.
      “It is simple to see that if you read, and you do read other literature, right?”
      Why do you say that? and since when did literature become a superior format for translating an idea? Does writing down your ideas suddenly give them more merit?

      And in another post, you say: “Who could doubt that the meadow scene was intended to be romantic? I, certainly, see it was meant to be so.”
      Which means you care about what the author is trying to do and what she intends.

      In the same paragraph you later say: “In my commentary I spoke only of the book’s content; not the author’s fantasies. I could care less for the background when the product is what is, overall, judged.”
      Which means now you don’t care what the author intends?

      All of these things confuse me.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      So in the first book, all the characters do is talk? And anything you talk about is innocent, no matter what the characters say or what the discussion is about? And if “Bella has no personality” how can you say that “Edward and Bella have some obscure things in common”? And how can Bella and Edward have a deep understanding of each other if they never “talk about philosophy or anything of substance”?

      In another post you insult LDSocrates because you think he doesn’t read a lot of books.
      “It is simple to see that if you read, and you do read other literature, right?”
      Why do you say that? and since when did literature become a superior format for translating an idea? Does writing down your ideas suddenly give them more merit?

      And in another post, you say: “Who could doubt that the meadow scene was intended to be romantic? I, certainly, see it was meant to be so.”
      Which means you care about what the author is trying to do and what she intends.

      In the same paragraph you later say: “In my commentary I spoke only of the book’s content; not the author’s fantasies. I could care less for the background when the product is what is, overall, judged.”
      Which means now you don’t care what the author intends?

      All of these things confuse me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathan-Hardin/1534410764 Jonathan Hardin

    Stephanie Meyer isn’t a bad writer. Is she a great writer in the vain of Michel Faber or Nicholson Baker? No. But comparing her to those masters of prose is unfair because that’s not what she is trying to be. A more apt comparison would be James Patterson who produces popular fiction in mass for a casual reading audience. The in depth quality and every sentence being expertly crafted isn’t there but the overall story leaves you decently pleased at the end of the day.

    The Twilight books do a good job of accomplishing what Meyer wanted to do with then. She creates a love story with generic characters that women can identify with. She adds some supernatural elements to separate it from a lot of the other romance novels out there and she made a ton of money off it.

    One of Spoony’s big points was what is another cultural phenomenon with absolutely no merit, and he couldn’t think of one, because such things just don’t happen. Twilight has merit, you may not like it or partake in it but the merit remains all the same.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathan-Hardin/1534410764 Jonathan Hardin

    Also just an add-on to this the reason that the newborn vampires are stronger that old vampires in Meyer’s universe is because their tissue is engorged with the blood left over from the human lives. Because the transformation process involves venom and not the more traditional draining and blood replacement this makes ‘some’ sense, at least in the context of the work.

    Also to the glittering in the sun thing vampires only glitter in direct sunlight, I give you its a very lame cop-out but that’s why the Cullens can walk around in the light and not glitter, its very cloudy in Forks.

    And one thing I really wish you would read the books Spoony before Breaking Dawn part one comes out next year. It would give your bashing of the writing and the incongruity of the story more weight if you were drawing from a reservoir of knowledge that is obviously assumed you have by the filmmakers if your watching the movies. This isn’t like the movie 1408 where it doesn’t matter if you have read the source material or not, it is expected and honestly required to actually understand these movies properly. Is that expectation a failure on the part of the movie makers, yes it is, different mediums of expression should be able to exist independently of one another, but given that the movies don’t even attempt a separation it makes a lot of your judgments unfair because you judge a part and not the whole.

    And yes I am a fan of the series, well the book series anyway. The movies do a passable job trying to create a visual representation of the books its not perfect even shameful at times but I watch them anyway because I liked the books and if even one scene of the book can be given life on screen then my 2hrs and 6 dollars are worth it.

    And the person above me did a great job articulating many of the same sentiments I had as well, great post.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Caitlin-Goreing/1334119474 Caitlin Goreing

    Sorry Shawn, but ‘Bella’ doesn’t mean ‘war’ in Latin. ‘Bellum’ means war. Bella is the feminine version of ‘bellus’ meaning handsome or beautiful.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brett-Middleton/999994085 Brett Middleton

    Watching the Rifftrax of the first two was the only way I could even imagine sitting through these barrels of shit, I came out from watching the movies WITH the rifftrax, a changed person, I wanted to die, I still can’t believe they actually market these movies, and put this shit in the theatre’s, the world would be a better place without these horrible movies. That’s not my opinion, that’s a fact.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Saga-Unnsteins/1437771556 Saga Unnsteins

    I’d tell you to watch Elfen lied if you want to see the Twilight of anime. It is pretencious to the point of being hilarious. One of the worst things I have ever seen, and I have seen a lot of crap.
    As for twilight, don’t let people fool you with “the books are better” bullshit, I know more poeple who read the books then watch the movies and they do it for a laugh. Stephanie Meyer couldn’t write a youtube comment.

    This is the kind of franchise that I try so hard to ignore but it so deserves to be hated that I have no option but to speak up, I’m a girl and I can not think of anything that makes me more angry, Twilight is the slogan for anti-feminism and pretty much human life and intelegence. And all who love it are pretencious or fucking retarded.
    And that sums up my thoughts on this cinamatic sloughter hoese. Good review.

    • http://twitter.com/dafk13 dafk13

      Pretentious? really? yeah you would

    • ScreamingMantis

      Elfen Lied and this shit has nothing to do with each other. Not even close. At the end, it can get over dramatic, but if are even trying to compare it to this Stephanie Meyer bullshit that is being spewed to the younger gen, to even say Elfen Lied is “pretencious”, is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard. The worst comparison ever. Twilight vs. Elfen Lied?….wow. I’m sorry, but this is just one of the most completely unled comments, or thought, that I’ve really seen in a comment box.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jacob-W-Rampey/1003608675 Jacob W. Rampey

    You are correct Kevin. merriam-webster. com/dictionary/anime

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jacob-W-Rampey/1003608675 Jacob W. Rampey

    “As for the no blood fights, a Vampire won’t bleed when it’s hit. After all the only reason that occurs for a human is because there is blood pumping in our veins. A vampire doesn’t have a working heart or circulatory system, so it won’t bleed or bruise when you hit it.” If this is the case, which is the lore of most all vampire stories. How would Bella have sex with Edward? After all, he wouldn’t be able to get his dong up. Is that the reason he keeps putting it off? He just doesn’t want to tell her I guess.

  • Anonymous

    You, my friend… are delusional. Completely and utterly. Stephanie Meyer has had her claws sunk deep into the series from day one. You know that meadow scene in the first one? That’s what she based the books off of. That was a dream she had. You are praising a frustrated, middle-aged woman’s WET DREAM.

    Romantic? Innocent? The first book? You gotta be joking. I could go through with a highlighter and mark up all the passages where it does nothing but compare Edward to Adonis, directly or not, and if I then went over those parts with white-out, the book would be cut in half.

    Edward… “dark and mysterious and sensitive”… I cannot fathom those five words. He’s a stalker. Plain and simple. He was watching her sleep outside her window before they got properly acquainted. And furthermore, he has the personality of cardboard. His only defining trait is that he is in love with Bella and is protective of her. I cannot name a single, solitary personality trait outside of that.

    Oh, but you bet your ass Bella has a personality. For one, she is as dumb as a rock – no, the things that you find crawling UNDER rocks? That’s what is in her skull instead of a brain. She goes out into the woods, alone, without telling anyone where she was going, to confront Edward about being a vampire, for one. Do I NEED to point out how idiotic that is? That’d be like me meeting a friend in the backalleys to confront them about being a homicidal cannibal! In fact, it’s almost the exact same thing! And second, she’s a needy, clingy psycho with the survival instincts of a lemming. She starts going thrillseeking, several times almost killing herself, just so she can see the HALLUCINATION OF HER EX. That. Is not. Love. That is PSYCHOSIS. That is OBSESSION. Do you know what the difference is? Love is healthy; love is accepting. Love is understanding that your other has moved on, and wish them a happy life elsewhere and with someone else. Obsession can simply be defined as everything that Bella does from the second book onward. And as Spoony said, she kept leading Jakob along by his balls, giving him false hope for three damn books before finally telling him that she settled on Edward.

    You’re a prime example of someone who has been poisoned by this tripe, if only because you think it all went wrong with book four. The first book was a bit uneasing, but the second book was where it went off the deep end of insanity. It teaches teens – like you – the lessons, “If your other says s/he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t really mean it” and “Your boyfriend left you? It’s okay! Just cry, scream, mope, and attempt suicide enough times, and he’ll come running back!” Do I even need to bring up that the werewolves are all PEDOPHILES, and this is portrayed as perfectly okay?! I cannot comprehend why people like you do not realize this, but may God have mercy on your stupid soul.

    Speaking of which, all that romantic dialouge that Edward had? The stuff that made girls swoon? That’s straight out of any goddamn Mormon publication. Every key thing in the books is. Bella and Edward’s talk about being together forever? Mormons believe that spouses are together forever, and that families are too. Werewolves detect soul mates? Mormons believe that our souls existed before the world did, and thus that some of us may’ve known each other before getting a mortal body. Volturi are a secretive council with absolute, unchecked authority based in Italy? Thinly-veiled allegory for the Catholic church. Don’t get all misty-eyed though, because as a Mormon, I am absolutely disgusted with what Meyer did to our thoughts on love and life. The comforting thought of being together for eternity is wasted on a stalker with the appeal of a blow-up doll and a self-important bimbo, with affections so thin and shallow you could pierce it with a bran flake. Free will is thrown out the window with werewolf “imprinting,” and despite being a form of mind-control and thus life-long pedophilic rape is, once again, portrayed as perfectly fine.

    I dare you – I fucking DARE you – to try to refute anything I said. No matter what feeble defense or justification you can pull out of your ass, you cannot deny a single damn claim. Why? Because they’re fact. You know it, the whole world knows it. GROW. UP.

    • Anonymous

      LDSocrates, “my friend”? Obviously by your berating opinions of me, I would consider us far from being friends. Your points are legitimate in some areas, and those are the areas I did not mention in my commentary. Let me clarify and see if I can satisfy you and your undisguised hatred in this response.

      Who could doubt that the meadow scene was intended to be romantic? I, certainly, see it was meant to be so. Twilight is a romance book. Whether it originated from a wet dream or not, did Bella and Edward have hot steamy sex in the meadow? No. In my commentary I spoke only of the book’s content; not the author’s fantasies. I could care less for the background when the product is what is, overall, judged.

      You must have noticed that Bella and Edward were not having sex in the first three books, right? You agree with that? When I said “innocent” it is to be clear that that was all I meant by that. Talking about sex and doing it are two different things, right? (At least, to people who aren’t mental. And you aren’t mental, right?) The explicit manner in which she wrote her fourth book clearly differed from the first three. If you do not see that, you are a lost case that need not read any further.

      It may be a shocker to you, but there are girls who are into guys like Edward. And most would agree that he has the personality type I ascribed to him. You, perhaps, cannot comprehend this because it’s very possible that you carry none of these traits. I’ll agree; Edward is very over-protective to the point of being obnoxious, but I thought it was to show his imperfect, unhealthy nature. To me, it was all supposed to be prelude to how their relationship (Bella and Edward’s) would end like some Midsummer Night’s Dream and seem to have never have happened.

      I never said Bella wasn’t dumb or a tramp. For the most part, she is. It took some reflection after partially reading the fourth to understand that, though. As a preteen, there was some things that didn’t matter and just not considered. However, Bella’s character is a vehicle. Yes, her situations do define her, but you must have gotten the sense that she is a rather bland character for a protagonist. She is nothing at all like Cervantes Don Quixote or any of Jane Austen’s female protagonists who are, by far, more virtuous. It is simple to see that if you read, and you do read other literature, right?

      If you read books for, what Rene Girard would say, their mediation, then you have no right to read. Put down the book and find a better use of your time, I would suggest. I never said that I was inspired to think like with such naiive thoughts. I am not the shameless dupe you portray me. You insult my intelligence. Fiction is not meant to structure one’s life and reason, it is meant to replicate the universal concepts seen in life and show the consequence of actions. You are supposed to gather a sense of culture and the human intelligence through books. (Or one can read just for the simple pleasures in which one enjoys the witticism and situation.) Either way, do not suppose me to have a foolish mind that would even entertain such nonsense.

      Generally, in love, unguarded reactions are seen as romantic. Do I see them as so? Not necessarily. But, to many, this odd kind of selflessness makes a relationshipe seem romantic. It’s a common theme, you know. As a young girl, it’s intriguing. Especially as teens are, for the most part, egotistical and could never truly fathom a relationship such as Edward and Bella’s. I was a girl when the book came out. That was five years ago. Should it not be that I am great deal more mature and have dismissed such ill fantasies for substance that constitutes an actual love?

      Apropos, I have not read the books in years, and only draw from the impressions I received. I never said I was of the same mind as Meyer. Much of what she wrote in her books clashed with my sensibilities and moralities. I told you the fourth book was appalling, and you seemed to agree. For some reason unknown to myself, you make it seem like I found the whole thing a romantic fantasy and think that I like the very things I despise. I pity girls who have changed their standards and their morals in mimicry of books (this one especially). I don’t like how this type of pop-culture undermines the real values that one should share in a relationship. (Who in their right mind would even propose “life-long pedophilic rape” as romantically idealistic? There is nothing more grotesque than the many “solutions” she formed for her characters.)

      I was waiting for the fourth book to show me the downfall of their follies and how reality does not coincide with this romantic illusion. Meyer did not do that. Instead of righting wrongs, she rewards the corruption. I thought Meyer could have done a lot more with her series, is all. I thought Bella would end up a mortal and alone at the end. I hoped that Edward would just be an episode of her life that suggested romance. Such an ending may still have classified the book as a tragic love story.

      Honestly there are better books to read that would host a more clever debate, but now that I am through writing this, I have no compulsory feeling to further deplore Stephenie Meyer and her books. For all the publicity and money she’s made, she must’ve done something right…. any reproach that we make has no effect on the masses.

      Oh, yes… There is one more thing I must address…
      Your attack was utterly rude and primitive. If I had known someone would seek to shame me with this disgusting and ignorant barbarism, then I would’ve sought to make myself more clear in the first place. How did I evoke such passionate rot in a mere passerby?

      • Anonymous

        Dear lord, where do I start…?

        “I could care less for the background when the product is what is, overall, judged.”
        I apologize that not everyone is so open-minded about reading a series the equivalent of bad fanfiction. Some of us tend to be disgusted by things that might’ve well been written in the author’s juices.

        “When I said “innocent” it is to be clear that that was all I meant by that. Talking about sex and doing it are two different things, right? (At least, to people who aren’t mental. And you aren’t mental, right?)”
        And there you go missing the point and side-stepping the issue; I call Red Herring Fallacy. Do I need to capitalize the word “stalker” for you to comprehend that was the key word in that paragraph?

        “If you do not see that, you are a lost case that need not read any further.”
        I could say the same about you for not seeing the fourth book’s depravity coming. =/

        “It may be a shocker to you, but there are girls who are into guys like Edward.”
        I know that. Hence the popularity of this series. I just find it depressing that girls are into cardboard guys with no real soul or substance who can spit out a few common romantic phrases and seconds as a meat shield.

        “You, perhaps, cannot comprehend this because it’s very possible that you carry none of these traits.”
        Dull, stalking, and without personality? Oh wait, you must mean “dark, mysterious, and sensitive.” Let’s see… “dark” is a throw-away word without any real meaning, first off. Mysterious is not a good trait; strangers are mysterious; guys you could meet at a bar are mysterious. Why? Because you don’t know them, and for all you know, they could be a rapist waiting to happen. And if someone is mysterious to you after befriending or dating them, that is still not a good sign. A healthy relationship is based on trust and openness. A mentality that says that guys who keep secrets are attractive because of it is on the same wavelength as a child who is fascinated by whatever they can’t have right away. As for sensitive, yes, I am, but to a point. I am senstitive to those who deserve it. I have quite a few close friends who love me very much and who come to me for advice. The stupid and the depraved do not deserve sensitivity, and I’m afraid you’re firmly cemented in the former.

        “I’ll agree; Edward is very over-protective to the point of being obnoxious, but I thought it was to show his imperfect, unhealthy nature.”
        Again, do I need to capitalize things for you? It wasn’t that he was protective. It’s that that protective quality is ALL THERE IS to Edward. You’re clinging to a single piece of straw when I’m telling you there is no haystack.

        “Yes, her situations do define her, but you must have gotten the sense that she is a rather bland character for a protagonist. She is nothing at all like Cervantes Don Quixote or any of Jane Austen’s female protagonists who are, by far, more virtuous. It is simple to see that if you read, and you do read other literature, right? ”
        It sounds like you’re trying to make a point… but I see none. You can’t just refer to famous characters and authors and expect it to somehow mutate into a coherant thought.

        “I never said that I was inspired to think like with such naiive thoughts. I am not the shameless dupe you portray me. You insult my intelligence.”
        You never said it, but it’s plain as day. And yes, I do insult your intelligence, because quite frankly, I haven’t seen any yet. Just pseudo-intellectual babbling, mistaking insanity for reason, in the defense of brain-rotting tripe.

        “Fiction is not meant to structure one’s life and reason, it is meant to replicate the universal concepts seen in life and show the consequence of actions.”
        For one, you sorely underestimate how godawfully stupid AND impressionable our generation is. Second, let’s pretend, just for a moment, that the Twilight series does actually show real concepts and their consequences. In that case, in the real world, giving up your life and everyone you love for a single person is a good idea, love is a baseless fascination with another person that ammounts to “just because,” pedophilia, if based in a religion/philosphy, does not get someone thrown in jail, the entire world is filled with collosal idiots who can’t tell a marble man isn’t human, oh, and most importantly, if someone breaks up with you, let your life fall into complete ruin and drag down everyone around you who loves and cares about you, because that is normal behavior when you’re in love.

        “You are supposed to gather a sense of culture and the human intelligence through books. (Or one can read just for the simple pleasures in which one enjoys the witticism and situation.)”
        There is not a single idea in those two sentences that is not flat-out wrong. First, yes, I got a sense of culture, in that through the popularity of this franchise I saw that why in American culture the divorce rate is so high. I also got a sense of human intelligence, and my expectations plummeted as a result. Second, you imply that there is any wit to be found, and that people shouldn’t be shaking their heads at the situations wherein everyone is shallow, an idiot, or both, and yet portrayed to be normal, which is… every situation.

        “Generally, in love, unguarded reactions are seen as romantic. …But, to many, this odd kind of selflessness makes a relationshipe seem romantic. It’s a common theme, you know.”
        Again, you’re side-stepping the issue and stating the obvious. Honestly, your arguments are so trite and off-topic that you’re insulting MY intelligence. There is a stark, drastic, plain-as-day difference between being selfless and being psychotic, as I said before. Bella is psychotic. Edward is the equivalent of a blow-up doll with a voice box of select romantic phrases. Jacob was a three-dimensional character who Bella kept leading on, but was ruined when Meyer realized that she actually wrote a good character and took it upon herself to change that.

        “As a young girl, it’s intriguing. Especially as teens are, for the most part, egotistical and could never truly fathom a relationship such as Edward and Bella’s.”
        First off, you must be completely unaware that teenage girls are pretty much the entirety of the fanbase. Second, nobody who likes Edward and Bella’s relationship fathoms it. It’s because I understand that it is a baseless, lifeless, souless mockery of everything love is that every girl my age eats up like sugar that I hate it.

        “I was a girl when the book came out. That was five years ago. Should it not be that I am great deal more mature and have dismissed such ill fantasies for substance that constitutes an actual love?”
        And yet here you are defending it. You can tell me you’re mature all you want, but you aren’t showing a single sign you’ve grown up since then.

        “Apropos, I have not read the books in years, and only draw from the impressions I received.”
        Explains a lot.

        “I never said I was of the same mind as Meyer. Much of what she wrote in her books clashed with my sensibilities and moralities.”
        Again, here you are defending it and treating the fourth book like the major stain on something decent. Your words and your actions do not match up in the slightest.

        “I don’t like how this type of pop-culture undermines the real values that one should share in a relationship.”
        And you know what that sentence undermines? Everything you’ve said before now. The past few paragraphs you spent qualifying and defending it. Now in this one, you try to reinforce that it is corruptive, what I’ve been saying this whole time. Honestly, I think you’re speaking first, and trying to reassure YOURSELF that you don’t like it, because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like you’re speaking to me, but rather at me.

        “Who in their right mind would even propose “life-long pedophilic rape” as romantically idealistic?”
        That is the main characteristic of the werewolves, which was introduced before the fourth book. Quit trying to pretend that the fourth book was a mark on a white silken sheet, especially when you yourself say that the first three aren’t something good in the first place the VERY SENTENCE BEFORE.

        “Instead of righting wrongs, she rewards the corruption. I thought Meyer could have done a lot more with her series, is all. I thought Bella would end up a mortal and alone at the end. I hoped that Edward would just be an episode of her life that suggested romance. Such an ending may still have classified the book as a tragic love story.”
        Again, I say that what’s truly tragic is that you did not see that coming.

        “Honestly there are better books to read that would host a more clever debate, but now that I am through writing this, I have no compulsory feeling to further deplore Stephenie Meyer and her books.”
        You deplored them for all of two paragraphs out of eight.

        “For all the publicity and money she’s made, she must’ve done something right…. any reproach that we make has no effect on the masses.”
        Yes, because we all know that majority opinion must be true and just! Socrates was killed with hemlock because questioning established authority is just WRONG, and conformity is the only righteouss behavior! Jesus musta done something wrong too, because his own people nailed him to a cross and left him to die! Let’s all just accept mob rule, and never try to change anything or speak out, because, as we all know, that never changes anything! My GOD, you say I’M the hopeless one?!

        “Your attack was utterly rude and primitive. If I had known someone would seek to shame me with this disgusting and ignorant barbarism, then I would’ve sought to make myself more clear in the first place. How did I evoke such passionate rot in a mere passerby?”
        Rude? Definitley. Primitive? Excuse me for talking plainly and not trying to dress my arguments in fancy words and allusions to better books. Disgusting? Yeah, because swearing is absolutely foul. Ignorant? I just spent a good while pointing out how you missed the point of almost everything I said, didn’t adress the rest, and how you contradicted yourself even then. That isn’t the pot calling the kettle black on your part, that’s the turkey calling the swan ugly.

        If you didn’t understand any of the above, or couldn’t wrap your mind around being wrong, lemme sum up the conclusion: You. Fail. Forever.

        • Anonymous

          First off, the responses I wrote WERE written in a very rash way. It’s my fault that I didn’t give them my full attention because I can’t spend time pouring over the argument I’m trying to make. Honestly, I don’t want to continue wasting my time bickering with you, because it’s quite pointless. Reviews have been written before about Meyer’s book, and, guess what, Meyer is still making money. Don’t compare it to Jesus or Socrates, that’s pathetic. As if our issues are momumental. The statement has been made; it’s nothing radical. You just want to fight and degrade views that you just can’t accept. It’s a little close-minded. I listen to others views; some of yours have substance. I would’ve been grateful for a differing opinion that had more ettiquette to it and a little less accusation at my character and my mind. It’s this absolute hate that you harbor for me that seems quite… ignorant. You do not know me and you still don’t understand the point I tried to make. I DO defend the book, because, when I read it, I did like it. My opinion of it has changed but a part of me, as you know, can’t seem to fully hate it. I understand the books flaws and realize it’s not exactly literary merit, but, on a surface level, the Twilight series could be liked (if you can manage to ignore glaring inadequacies). When you get older you realize such things and criticize it. For example, I liked Brittany Spears when I was young. I listen to her now and hear the disparity between her and a musician who I find has a better voice. I don’t think I can cast her off for it, because there are certain admirable qualities in her music. She’s an icon, and so is Twilight. Anyhoo, you read it, I read it… we didn’t like it and now we’re giving each other crap over it and on a personal level that I find unwarranted. I’m willing to call a truce and ignore the titles you so graciously bestowed upon me, because they’re uncouth and untrue. Your insight into the Mormon religion was interesting. I admit I was ignorant of the ideas in which Twilight was derived. But now that I have come to see no importance to this quarrel (it is trite compared to more pressing matters), I shall just take this dialogue as a disastrous turn in which some random guy that I don’t know found it necessary to deride everything from my views to myself. I know you will stand by your comments and probably search for flaws in mine as you are so apt to do. When it came to my sporadic commentary about Twilight, you should have made a respectable argument that would actually cast your character in a more favorable light. When you read other comments that you don’t like, I advise you not to employ this silly technique. We are all granted our opinions and have a right to share them, and it doesn’t make you “stupid” or a failure to have a different one. If you have a snide comment to make, I won’t reply. Caution: you might come off as someone who is too immature to deal with conflicting situations… So, just let it go.

          • Anonymous

            “Don’t compare it to Jesus or Socrates, that’s pathetic. As if our issues are monumental.”
            And with that sentence, I officially gave up on you. If you cannot understand the simple concept of taking a notion and expanding it, drawing parallels and seeing what it truly means if taken to heart, there honestly is no hope.

            On that note, I find your assertion that opinions are all equal and untouchable simply because someone has them amusing. If everyone were to accept that, there would be no growth; no one would challenge each other to think by criticizing their perception of reality. As a rule, conflict is what makes us stronger, be it in heart, body or mind. As a wise woman once said of people, “In conflict, they either find themselves, or find themselves lacking.” Humans, when left to their own devices, selectively ignore facts and ideas they find uncomfortable and instead listen to what they want to hear. It’s very rare for them to go looking for someone who can truly point out the errors in their logic; many say they do, but all they want is to find someone else of a lower intelligence or lacking knowledge that they can preach to and inflate their ego, thinking they actually “won” something. It’s only in a real clash of ideals and logic that the mind of a person grows. Yours is a belief that promotes stagnation instead, one that fosters others clinging to half-truths and recited phrases that they accept without thought. I can only hope such a delusion isn’t as common as it seems, and you’ll be the last I see of it.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        In reading your post, I find it odd that you never explain why LDSocrates offends you so much. I have read this post over and over, but you never explain what crime he is guilty of. Can you explain why you have such strong arguments against his character. I have also read LDSocrates’s posts. He doesn’t ever really insult you without reason, all he wants is for you clearly explain the reasoning behind your opinions. Nothing he says against your beliefs is unfounded, and you seem to treat his request for an explanation as an attack on your personal tastes.You do need to explain WHY you like it instead of just saying you do and treating any analysis of your beliefs as an attack.
        Ask yourself: can you really explain in a clear way WHY his arguments have no merit, instead of dismissing him because he expects you to have a reason.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

        Actually disregard what I say here. LDS does say he was rude. But all of his insults do have reason.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/F74MD7JZ7TERZCWCHEASWTOIJU rageofkyubii

    Actually, YOU fail. Heaven forbid someone have an actual opinion abiut something. Do us all a favor and shut up already!

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t said anything for a week, and you attack me for poking the holes in someone’s opinion… on The Spoony Experiment, an entire site based on one very smart man doing the very same thing on a frequent basis and posting it for our entertainment. The fact you do not understand that irony is beyond words.

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t said anything for a week, and you attack me for poking the holes in someone’s opinion… on The Spoony Experiment, an entire site based on one very smart man doing the very same thing on a frequent basis and posting it for our entertainment. The fact you do not understand that irony is beyond words.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/F74MD7JZ7TERZCWCHEASWTOIJU rageofkyubii

    The Top Eleven Things Everyone Should Know About Twilight
    1. Werewolves are only immortal as long as they want to be. Yeah. Kind of strange. Apparently it has to do with how often they choose to become wolves. Of course, these are quite strange werewolves who don’t follow the moon.

    2. Vampires sparkle in the sun. Really. And no one ever laughs at them when they do this. Then again, they only ever show this to lovestruck teenage girls.

    3. In a werewolf/vampire/human threesome, the human has to be in the middle so the freezing vampire and burning werewolf balance each other out. Or something like that.

    4. It is not at all creepy to make an unborn baby your soulmate nor is it creepy to raise your soulmate from infancy as its father/brother and then become its lover.

    5. Author Stephanie Meyer is apparently a big supporter of the rights of demon babies.

    6. Wanting to literally eat your girlfriend is romantic, not deeply disturbing.

    7. Jeopardizing a fragile treaty between two very dangerous, deadly groups because you can’t control your hormones is endearing, not painfully stupid.

    8. When you’re friends with vampires and werewolves, you no longer are required to care about your human friends and family.

    9. When a guy you have been dating for a few months abruptly leaves and never plans on coming back and you take to cliff diving to hear his voice, you are in no way crazy nor should you look into therapy.

    10. You should never, ever let Bella and Edward name anything. Ever.

    11. TELLING a group of vampires that want to kill your baby that she is half human will do nothing. Finding someone who claims that they are half-human solves everything. They’ll even kill that vampire that’s out to get you for you.

    • Anonymous

      “4. It is not at all creepy to make an unborn baby your soulmate nor is it creepy to raise your soulmate from infancy as its father/brother and then become its lover. ”

      …WTF? Tell me that doesn’t really happen. That can’t be possible. What has to be wrong with Stephanie Meyers that she would even conceive of that, let alone *write* it into her story?

      • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/F74MD7JZ7TERZCWCHEASWTOIJU rageofkyubii

        @
        nicolbolas
        Oh it happens, all right. Wolfboy does that imprining thing on a baby….Bella and Edwad’s baby, just to add even more weirdness to it.

  • http://twitter.com/HARDPUNCHER Anders Persson

    The monster is: moisture!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

    Bella dates Edward for 2 reasons:
    1. Lust
    2. Desire to be immortally beautiful and young

    Bella Swan is a self insert of Stephanie Meyer, she is Meyer’s “daughter” to coddle and spoil. Bella gets all the popular attention, that hot boy idol for a boyfriend, the eternal beauty, the money, the lack of needing to do anything for herself, and the escape from growing old. That is Bella Swan. Bella Swan is Stpehanie Meyer and all Stephanie wishes to be.

    That’s all you need to know, Spooney. Twilight is a wish-fulfillment piece of garbage written by a bored housewife.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

    Bella dates Edward for 2 reasons:
    1. Lust
    2. Desire to be immortally beautiful and young

    Bella Swan is a self insert of Stephanie Meyer, she is Meyer’s “daughter” to coddle and spoil. Bella gets all the popular attention, that hot boy idol for a boyfriend, the eternal beauty, the money, the lack of needing to do anything for herself, and the escape from growing old. That is Bella Swan. Bella Swan is Stpehanie Meyer and all Stephanie wishes to be.

    That’s all you need to know, Spooney. Twilight is a wish-fulfillment piece of garbage written by a bored housewife.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rhebert12 Rachel Hebert

    When I was a baby I was scared of grass. Grass is a good villain.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/DXCSD2J66YVVAV4GE7MR4HU2OY Ashley

    Addressing the weapons thing:

    According to the book, vampires can only be killed by being torn apart and burned. At least that was canon in the first book…. Regardless, weapons are a moot point, since in addition to sparkling, their skin is harder than diamonds. Yeah.

  • Anonymous

    I think Jacob had to become a quasi-rapist because Meyer was like “oh shit, people are going to realize Jacob’s the better man, better do some character assassination.”

  • Anonymous

    To make you happy: there is a mentioned sex scene in the fourth book…. That book sucked ANYWAYYYY… so… Idk. It will be a WHILE anyway. ;)

    You’re having too much fun, spoony. xD I noticed this review alone had SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY SEVEN comments and could only laugh, cuz I KNOW most of them are 14 year old fangirls freaking out at you. ^___^ I don’t even HAVE to read them!

  • Anonymous

    To make you happy: there is a mentioned sex scene in the fourth book…. That book sucked ANYWAYYYY… so… Idk. It will be a WHILE anyway. ;)

    You’re having too much fun, spoony. xD I noticed this review alone had SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY SEVEN comments and could only laugh, cuz I KNOW most of them are 14 year old fangirls freaking out at you. ^___^ I don’t even HAVE to read them!

  • http://idigcomics.tumblr.com/ Matt

    Spoony…I think I have an answer for you. Well, a theory regarding what the people who are obsessed with Twilight see in Twilight. Hope I’m making sense here.

    Talk to someone in the “Twilight” demographic (and even the older people) and you’ll see: they’re cultural voids. They likely haven’t read much (I mean like comics, books not assigned for school, mythology or history), haven’t watched a lot of movies, haven’t heard a lot of music other than the crap on the radio, and generally don’t know much about storytelling in general (concepts like internal logic in a fantasy story, specifically). What’s more, these people probably don’t read a lot of speculative fiction (save for Harry Potter, I guess) and have little to no imagination, so it probably doesn’t take MUCH to capture what passes for their imaginations.

    For these culturally sheltered individuals, Twilight is probably their first exposure to a lot of story elements and archetypes that people like us (i.e. guys who look at Twilight and can see through its bullshit) were exposed to at an earlier age, likely in the form of much BETTER and more well thought-out works.

    And if any of you think I’m making broad generalizations, TALK to a Twilight-obsessed girl, whether she’s a teen, tween, or college sorority chick. You would be amazed at what they’ve never read, seen, or heard of.

    • http://twitter.com/CrashedJava Garret McGraw-Hanson

      Here’s another theory:

      The people who read this book could be of the opinion that they make good choices. When the people who care about them are skeptical they choose not to head the advice (most people, really). A common excuse is that those people hadn’t been in the same situation before and therefore don’t understand it.

      Now, in the Twilight saga, instead of reinforcing a moral by showing that caring loved ones are right the teenage girl with a crush turns out to be (inexplicably) right. This could make the readers as described above feel good about themselves and even reinforce their denial.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Dipillo/1464891978 Ryan Dipillo

    WOW……….you need a life some people like (I liked them) and you didn’t have to wasted an hour and a half on that stupid video because they are enjoyable for some people

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ADBRZBQY2P425FARV6WAZZOKK4 Tariel Corbeau

      Then why not tell us WHY you like the series then, post it on youtube. Also, all he wants is answers, for crying out loud most of the anti’s I know ask EVERY single person that likes Twilight this question as well as: why do Edward and Bella love each other? Do we get any answers EVER? No we NEVER, I repeat NEVER get answers.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ADBRZBQY2P425FARV6WAZZOKK4 Tariel Corbeau

      Then why not tell us WHY you like the series then, post it on youtube. Also, all he wants is answers, for crying out loud most of the anti’s I know ask EVERY single person that likes Twilight this question as well as: why do Edward and Bella love each other? Do we get any answers EVER? No we NEVER, I repeat NEVER get answers.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Greif/100002116448083 Brandon Greif

      (late response is late)

      If he hadn’t gone to see it, I wouldn’t be able to rack up hits for his website to see his impressions on it. As it happens, he did, and his opinions intrigue me. However, your tastes also intrigue me. WHY do you like them?

    • Anonymous

      That’s not even his argument. It’s not “Fuck these movies, they’re terrible, and anyone who likes them is stupid.” It’s “Why? Why do people like them? There’s nothing I can see here that’s worth liking. Please explain this to me.”

    • Anonymous

      That’s not even his argument. It’s not “Fuck these movies, they’re terrible, and anyone who likes them is stupid.” It’s “Why? Why do people like them? There’s nothing I can see here that’s worth liking. Please explain this to me.”

  • http://twitter.com/Aogami Aoi Akimori

    Edward likes to play the piano. And he has a CD collection. So he does have interests I suppose. Bella develops a whole … thrill-seeker thing in New Moon, but I can understand hand-waving that away because it’s only brought on by her delusional need for Edward’s companionship.

    I agree with the comment about how most Twilight fans actually haven’t been exposed to a lot of good literature and movies. All of this stuff is new to them – all the cliches aren’t cliched because they’ve yet to be experienced. American culture is finally starting to read again, but unfortunately the first books we pick up en masse are garbage :/

  • Anonymous

    I got one for Edward: he likes classical music.

    Edit: whoops, nevermind.

    • Anonymous

      Oh wait, in the first movie she was listening to her iPod and reading a book that may or may not have been a school project! And she liked that truck that she never really drove herself! What do I win?

    • Anonymous

      Oh wait, in the first movie she was listening to her iPod and reading a book that may or may not have been a school project! And she liked that truck that she never really drove herself! What do I win?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/LaChrista-Whatley/142300695 LaChrista Whatley

    Hey Spoony, turns out the book is much better, but I swear, it seems like “fangbangers” totally started jumping on the bandwagon after Twilight came out. Imagine being a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan, and this crap comes along…and you’re like WTF?! Come on! Vampires are nowhere this whiny! I really think Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schriber is much better, and there’s no real biting in that series, there’s a protragonist that’s in high school, but they keep them in a high school mindset and setting, no adult stuff like Twilight. He leading male is a way older male, but he’s understanding and he’s mature, and not whiny! That’s one of my pet peeves about the Twilight movie series…I mean how whiny can a vampire get! And they glitter when they hit sunlight! GLITTER! NO way in hell! I would stake a vampire after that just for turning into glitter! Spoony, thank you for hitting the nail on the head!

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, minor pedantry, but if she were literally fucking with them, then she’d be having a threesome, and we’d have resolved Team Edward or Team Jacob.

    Hmmm… Bedwob.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kristen-Sponar/100000496835018 Kristen Sponar

    You didn’t have to watch that hour of Spooney musing. If you like Twilight but hate criticism, why did you watch this? I think the only person who needs a life is YOU.

    He brings up good points, which is the least I can say for you. He does bring up good questions and points about Twilight in general. Edward and Bella are only together because of lust and the idea of immortality and that’s all.

    Next time you want to complain, bring up some actual points to your discussion before people blast your ass out of the water

  • Anonymous

    The villain is… Dry Erase Marker!

    The villain is… Awkward Silence!

    The Villain is: THE FLOOR!!! ;)

  • http://twitter.com/ARudnick Austin Rudnick

    Wikipedia “reports” that the film will attempt to maintain its PG-13 rating, and will NOT feature any “gruesome” scenes from the novel… Oh, and it’s being directed by the guy who directed Dream Girls… Well, he also directed a sequel to Candyman… FAIL! I’m with you, Spoony, but I’m such a Cronenberg fan that I wouldn’t want him putting his name on any of these shitheaps.

    By the way Spoony, you better have gotten Naked Lunch by now! That’s my 5th favorite movie of all time, and my favorite of Cronenberg’s pieces. (Yeah, I keep track up to #143.) Well, here’s hoping that A Dangerous Method generates controversy and secures an NC-17!

  • http://twitter.com/ARudnick Austin Rudnick

    Possible Villains For The Happening Sequel:
    1. Irritating Wool Fibers!
    2. Rogue Safety Scissors!
    3. Diabolical Crayola Crayons!
    4. (Borrowed From Spoony) High Wind Chill!
    5. Overloud Music!
    6. Gamma Rays!
    7. Mild Athlete’s Foot!
    8. High UV Index! (They’ll Never Get Out Of That One!)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ESJKDKHPCKWKZ55MB6TTKKAO6I Motica

    I got it! They both seem to somewhat like cars! Bella was disappointed at the truck she got and Edward drove some fancy car to save her. :D … that makes it even more shallow…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ESJKDKHPCKWKZ55MB6TTKKAO6I Motica

    I got it! They both seem to somewhat like cars! Bella was disappointed at the truck she got and Edward drove some fancy car to save her. :D … that makes it even more shallow…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ESJKDKHPCKWKZ55MB6TTKKAO6I Motica

    I got it! They both seem to somewhat like cars! Bella was disappointed at the truck she got and Edward drove some fancy car to save her. :D … that makes it even more shallow…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sarah-Drake/100000528435147 Sarah Drake

    I read the first three books in under six hours… three of them spent on the third book. They are a fast read even for those who don’t read (i’ve read quite a lot in the last few years, including better vampire and romance novels), They are extremely boring, especially once you learn how to read pass the fluff (the books are all 70% fluff). It didn’t surprise me that the movie was just as much fluff. Also i agree the girl they got for Bella looked horrid.. my god she looked like she had leukemia half the time. now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go rent New Moon, i need my daily dose of ‘mmm Jacob’.. yes i’m shallow, sue me! (Only reason anyone saw the second one anyway lol)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sarah-Drake/100000528435147 Sarah Drake

    I read the first three books in under six hours… three of them spent on the third book. They are a fast read even for those who don’t read (i’ve read quite a lot in the last few years, including better vampire and romance novels), They are extremely boring, especially once you learn how to read pass the fluff (the books are all 70% fluff). It didn’t surprise me that the movie was just as much fluff. Also i agree the girl they got for Bella looked horrid.. my god she looked like she had leukemia half the time. now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go rent New Moon, i need my daily dose of ‘mmm Jacob’.. yes i’m shallow, sue me! (Only reason anyone saw the second one anyway lol)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_KMR2J33L5IYGMHJ7FCNBKLXF6U Anonymous

    The only thing that i can remember they have in common is their like for old fashioned things like the moonlight sonata, old stories, traditional ways and shit….i guess….

  • http://twitter.com/Qzie Carissa Hanson

    A Hundred Years to Learn to Love sounds like the weirdest, and yet greatest romance of all time. Just sayin’.

    To be fair, Bella and Edward do have something in common. They’re both sociopathic stalkers.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jenna-Kemper-Nolan/581733026 Jenna Kemper Nolan

    Hey, I’m new to The Spoony Experiment. Love your reviews, couldn’t help but comment after you brought up Pattinson’s acting method, ha ha.

    You may already know this…. but I’ve read that he actually HATES the Twilight series quite a lot, even if it does pay well. In fact, he goes so far as to take the “self-loathing” interpretation of Edward’s character from the books and apply it to the movie. So the whole performance is like a big “Fuck You” to the character, if you really think about it. Kudos to him, I guess. Doesn’t really help the movie’s case much, but it’s rather hilarious in retrospect. He might as well BE in actual pain for all those uncomfortable scenes, ha ha. I know I would be. Anyway, thought you might find that interesting if you hadn’t already heard. Anyway, awesome rant/review. I myself am actually kinda “meh” about the Twilight books; it’s the rabid fanbase I really can’t stand. That, and the fact that Stephenie Meyer absolutely CANNOT take criticism. It’s like if Snapesnogger managed to get into a professional field. It’s actually pretty hilarious, the contrived BS she’ll spew whenever anyone questions the “science” behind her vampires. Because yeah, they’re supposed to be scientific instead of mystical. Mmmhmm. And how can Ed bone Bella if he’s got no blood in his body? I never understood that. The only explanation I can really think of would be pretty uncomfortable and embarrassing for the dude.

    Ah, but I’m rambling. Awesome review, awesome site. Even when I disagree with some of your other reviews, I can’t help cracking up. Feels good to laugh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jenna-Kemper-Nolan/581733026 Jenna Kemper Nolan

    Hey, I’m new to The Spoony Experiment. Love your reviews, couldn’t help but comment after you brought up Pattinson’s acting method, ha ha.

    You may already know this…. but I’ve read that he actually HATES the Twilight series quite a lot, even if it does pay well. In fact, he goes so far as to take the “self-loathing” interpretation of Edward’s character from the books and apply it to the movie. So the whole performance is like a big “Fuck You” to the character, if you really think about it. Kudos to him, I guess. Doesn’t really help the movie’s case much, but it’s rather hilarious in retrospect. He might as well BE in actual pain for all those uncomfortable scenes, ha ha. I know I would be. Anyway, thought you might find that interesting if you hadn’t already heard. Anyway, awesome rant/review. I myself am actually kinda “meh” about the Twilight books; it’s the rabid fanbase I really can’t stand. That, and the fact that Stephenie Meyer absolutely CANNOT take criticism. It’s like if Snapesnogger managed to get into a professional field. It’s actually pretty hilarious, the contrived BS she’ll spew whenever anyone questions the “science” behind her vampires. Because yeah, they’re supposed to be scientific instead of mystical. Mmmhmm. And how can Ed bone Bella if he’s got no blood in his body? I never understood that. The only explanation I can really think of would be pretty uncomfortable and embarrassing for the dude.

    Ah, but I’m rambling. Awesome review, awesome site. Even when I disagree with some of your other reviews, I can’t help cracking up. Feels good to laugh.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ADBRZBQY2P425FARV6WAZZOKK4 Tariel Corbeau

    I wish to ask what about the books is more coherent then the movies? For me the movie Twilight I would watch rather then read the book because the book is FLAT and a bore. I do not even need to read the books to know almost everything about the entire books. All I need are the reviews and synopsis and my own knowledge of what I KNOW is there. I would not pay nine dollars or six to go in the theater and watch any of these. I let my sister rent them at redbox for a dollar. Because I do not think that this series should get any more money then it already has.
    For one thing I will bet that BD will be a DISASTER at the box office. The ONLY I repeat ONLY reason why it is split into two parts is because of Harry Potter. That is the ONLY reason why it is part one and part two. From what I have seen those parts are coming out a full year apart. Not a good idea. This fan base is based entirely on a FAD basis.

    Spoony is right, you either LIKE it or you don’t. Only there are the ones that are “hell if I care” types that just don’t care about the whole damn thing and wish that is was over with already. I’ve stopped caring about the series and started caring more about those sub characters who are actually BETTER then Bella, Edward, Jacob, the hellspawn, and the cullens combined. Like Leah, who is by far the best if not greatest character in the entire series.
    Leah does not get an ending, an person that makes EVERYONE have a happy ending is just fanfiction crap that thirteen year old Naruto fans spew. That essentially is what Twilight is fanfiction, it is not even good fanfiction. I’ve read some of the worst fics out there, wrote a few myself back when I was obsessed with Inuyasha but I got over myself. Meyer does not get over herself and seems to have an obsession with the ‘fairytale ending.’ Those endings are good,but should be left for Disney. Not everything needs to be happy and prefect, which is why Leah is the best.
    Hell yes she even told Bella off on how selfish and stupid she is, she made the poor Bella cry…aw I am so sad for the shoe…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ADBRZBQY2P425FARV6WAZZOKK4 Tariel Corbeau

    What most Anti’s have a problem with is the twimoms…if it were middle aged men screaming for a young girl…that shit would be pedophilia.

  • Anonymous

    any one like this pls argue WHY THIS IS SO GOOD
    because every girl in my school likes it and i am so lonly i think its because i hate this peice of crap

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    Why do women think Twilight is a legitimately good romance series?
    Notice that in young girls’ fairy tale, a strong and brave male is willing to traverse any obstacle and sacrifice life and limb to save to the princess. Pay attention to the idea of sacrifice.
    Have you ever met a woman who would always do nice things and favors for you, and never complains no matter how many times you ask if she is bothered? This sort of women might be passive, charitable, and kind, and yet you can’t shake the feeling that some of her passiveness and kindness is a forced sacrifice enacted to avoid conflict.

    This is because women equate sacrifice and romantic action to love, while men equate love to matching personalities and meeting the expectations of the spouse. The ideal man for a woman must show love through actions such as romantic gestures, and the idea woman for a man must be a “soul mate” that meets the man’s specific requirements.

    This sounds be hard to believe and rather generalizing, so I will give you another example:
    The evil bitch who manipulates men into SACRIFICING for her out of LOVE, as opposed to the evil bastard who manipulates women into CHANGING THEMSELVES out of LOVE. Women don’t make men change themselves as often as men, and men don’t ask for shows of sacrifice as often as women. It just doesn’t match their respective ideas of love.

    Twilight panders to the female value system for love by creating an unrealistic couple that show their love for each other through personal sacrifice. This wasn’t written for men: Bella and Edward have nothing in common, as Spoony have pointed out, and it is not realistic. Yet stupid horny tween women will be drawn into the relationship. Twilight is not (entirely) a vapid striptease; it’s a work of evil genius. I’m not trying to defend this piece of shit, but I think Stephanie Mayer hired female psychologists.
    This means that a “male” version of Twilight could be crafted. It would have a central male character whose fundamentalist view of love will determine the faithfulness of his girlfriend, and how she can matches these expectations, and how they are perfect for each other. This version will contain no acts of love, or any amount of sacrifice. Any problem in their relationship would be overcome because of how perfect they are for each other.
    All the women reading this post would think that this is a stupid story that contains no actual love, but men would strangely be able to relate to the setup, maybe wondering why more women aren’t like this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

    Why do women think Twilight is a legitimately good romance series?
    Notice that in young girls’ fairy tale, a strong and brave male is willing to traverse any obstacle and sacrifice life and limb to save to the princess. Pay attention to the idea of sacrifice.
    Have you ever met a woman who would always do nice things and favors for you, and never complains no matter how many times you ask if she is bothered? This sort of women might be passive, charitable, and kind, and yet you can’t shake the feeling that some of her passiveness and kindness is a forced sacrifice enacted to avoid conflict.

    This is because women equate sacrifice and romantic action to love, while men equate love to matching personalities and meeting the expectations of the spouse. The ideal man for a woman must show love through actions such as romantic gestures, and the idea woman for a man must be a “soul mate” that meets the man’s specific requirements.

    This sounds be hard to believe and rather generalizing, so I will give you another example:
    The evil bitch who manipulates men into SACRIFICING for her out of LOVE, as opposed to the evil bastard who manipulates women into CHANGING THEMSELVES out of LOVE. Women don’t make men change themselves as often as men, and men don’t ask for shows of sacrifice as often as women. It just doesn’t match their respective ideas of love.

    Twilight panders to the female value system for love by creating an unrealistic couple that show their love for each other through personal sacrifice. This wasn’t written for men: Bella and Edward have nothing in common, as Spoony have pointed out, and it is not realistic. Yet stupid horny tween women will be drawn into the relationship. Twilight is not (entirely) a vapid striptease; it’s a work of evil genius. I’m not trying to defend this piece of shit, but I think Stephanie Mayer hired female psychologists.
    This means that a “male” version of Twilight could be crafted. It would have a central male character whose fundamentalist view of love will determine the faithfulness of his girlfriend, and how she can matches these expectations, and how they are perfect for each other. This version will contain no acts of love, or any amount of sacrifice. Any problem in their relationship would be overcome because of how perfect they are for each other.
    All the women reading this post would think that this is a stupid story that contains no actual love, but men would strangely be able to relate to the setup, maybe wondering why more women aren’t like this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jbhaslach John Barton Haslach

    You know who Bella reminds me of? Rose from Doctor Who, who I hate. Rose treats her boyfriend like crap, disrespects Sarah Jane Fucking Smith (who by the way Rose Tyler fans is TEN THOUSAND TIMES THE COMPANION that ROSE WILL EVER BE!), makes everything about her (when the world is ending she’s like “why didn’t he come back for me? Why should he care for all of reality instead of me?”). Rose Tyler is the BRITISH BELLA SWAN!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001726064526 Joey Ogg

    MONSTER: A phone
    HOW IT KILLS: rings a virus in there ear

  • http://profiles.google.com/danvgeg Daniel vigil

    Monster: THE FLOOR!

  • http://profiles.google.com/danvgeg Daniel vigil

    Monster: THE FLOOR!

  • Anonymous

    The villain is the coriolis effect. The only place safe is in Space!

  • Anonymous

    i know how i get through the first book, i basically rewrote the story without knowing it. adding sarcasm and just plain skipping mass sections of it helped the book allot. not to mention that the fact that the book kept calling golems vampires, and the fact that i’m very used to reading bad fanfiction i only just noticed what i did to even enjoy the book… well there was this one girl i liked back in high school when this tripe was new that liked the books. That might have something to do about it.

  • Anonymous

    i know how i get through the first book, i basically rewrote the story without knowing it. adding sarcasm and just plain skipping mass sections of it helped the book allot. not to mention that the fact that the book kept calling golems vampires, and the fact that i’m very used to reading bad fanfiction i only just noticed what i did to even enjoy the book… well there was this one girl i liked back in high school when this tripe was new that liked the books. That might have something to do about it.

  • http://twitter.com/OddballAngel Angel Blake

    The one thing they have in common that I can remember? Classical music. Dunno if it was in the movies, I didn’t watch more than 10 minutes of the second one and was too enraged to pay attention to the first, but it is in the books.

  • http://twitter.com/mcneilryan Ryan McNeil

    The Monster: Freshly starched dress shirts. They’re just sort of there. They do nothing, but they show up on every surface.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tariel-Corbeau/1388782046 Tariel Corbeau

      The Monster: bird shit from radioactive birds. Makes a hellava mess.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tariel-Corbeau/1388782046 Tariel Corbeau

      The Monster: bird shit from radioactive birds. Makes a hellava mess.

  • http://profiles.google.com/samanthatemple113 Samantha Temple

    Honestly, I can think of two reasons why Twilight has captured so many teenage girls. One, because Bella is the center of the whole freaking universe, and everything is about her, and no one understands her while she is totally sure of herself and her choices. This is something that teenage girls, in their infinite wisdom and misunderstood existence, sadly want to relate to. Bella is (apparently) purposefully kept as a blank slate so that they can project themselves onto her, and imagine that these hot guys are obsessed with and fighting over them instead of Bella. Or maybe all teenage girls are evil, idk.

    Second, you’re right in that it’s a harlequin romance. Buy how many conservative families do you know that would buy their teenage daughter a “trashy” bodice-ripper romance novel? This is a “chaste” romance where nothing happens, but the tension is still there. So the teenage girls still get that tingly feeling that they don’t understand yet, and the parents can sleep well at night thinking their little girl is still innocent. There’s your Mormon romance.

    Although I have no explanation for why so many older people like this series… btw calling this a “saga” is just… ow… that’s insulting to actual storytelling everywhere.

  • http://profiles.google.com/samanthatemple113 Samantha Temple

    Honestly, I can think of two reasons why Twilight has captured so many teenage girls. One, because Bella is the center of the whole freaking universe, and everything is about her, and no one understands her while she is totally sure of herself and her choices. This is something that teenage girls, in their infinite wisdom and misunderstood existence, sadly want to relate to. Bella is (apparently) purposefully kept as a blank slate so that they can project themselves onto her, and imagine that these hot guys are obsessed with and fighting over them instead of Bella. Or maybe all teenage girls are evil, idk.

    Second, you’re right in that it’s a harlequin romance. Buy how many conservative families do you know that would buy their teenage daughter a “trashy” bodice-ripper romance novel? This is a “chaste” romance where nothing happens, but the tension is still there. So the teenage girls still get that tingly feeling that they don’t understand yet, and the parents can sleep well at night thinking their little girl is still innocent. There’s your Mormon romance.

    Although I have no explanation for why so many older people like this series… btw calling this a “saga” is just… ow… that’s insulting to actual storytelling everywhere.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/George-Rosenbaum/100001387887487 George Rosenbaum

      I know this is an old page, but I think men an women view love differently (I somewhat summarize this from a much larger post I made ages ago on this page).

      Women view love in terms of sacrifice, or an act of love. The personality of the man doesn’t really matter as much, and as long as he can get over the things that hurt the women, she will be satisfied with anyone willing to give.

      Men are more interested in ‘soul mates’. They develop this theoretically perfect women in their mind, and spend the rest of their lives trying to find someone who comes close enough. Men don’t think people can change who they are easily, and would rather find a woman who is already perfect than force a ‘flawed’ woman to change. Because of this, men are more critical of personality flaws, even if women are willing to better themselves.

      However, women really don’t like this kind of criticism. Men aren’t as bothered by harsh criticism, but women find it unnecessarily insulting and condescending. To avoid personal attack, women prefer to keep their opinions and personality hidden, effectively manipulating men with a ‘feminine mystique’.

      But men have their own pet peeve: being manipulated. Women don’t mind as much; they don’t want to make the truth any more painful than it already is. However, men find subversion to be dishonest and unfaithful. To avoid being tricked, men look harder for any evidence of fabrication and lie. If women have a ‘feminine mystique’, then men have a ‘masculine critique’. As women try to become mysterious, men become more critical, creating a socio-sexual loop of painful words and trickery.

      Back to Twilight. The author of the books manipulates the female idea of love, creating a man who would not dare criticize anything about Bella. Sure, he can be a pussy tease, but he would never want to anything that would hurt the feelings of his ‘one true love’.

      And brainless teenage women eat that shit up.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tariel-Corbeau/1388782046 Tariel Corbeau

        You forget, edward constantly demeans Bella. He calls her stupid and weak at least….ten times in a single book. Breaking Fail excluded. What some woman want is someone to fix. Bella can fix Edward…
        I found myself slightly attracted to guy that I chatted breifly with whom smoking. I thought this: “oh he is cute, but he smokes…but I can fix that.” Not even I am immune to that, but as soon as I thought that I pushed away my surface attraction and now, well he may have been a bit funny but i am not going to pursue him.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tariel-Corbeau/1388782046 Tariel Corbeau

        You forget, edward constantly demeans Bella. He calls her stupid and weak at least….ten times in a single book. Breaking Fail excluded. What some woman want is someone to fix. Bella can fix Edward…
        I found myself slightly attracted to guy that I chatted breifly with whom smoking. I thought this: “oh he is cute, but he smokes…but I can fix that.” Not even I am immune to that, but as soon as I thought that I pushed away my surface attraction and now, well he may have been a bit funny but i am not going to pursue him.

  • Geoffrey Walter

    With regards to your opinion of Pattinson’s performance, I give you this.

    “The more I read about this guy the more I hated him, so that’s how I played him—as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus he’s a hundred-year-old virgin, so he’s obviously got some issues there.” – Robert Pattinson.

    Yes. That’s EXACTLY how he’s playing the character :D

    And no I don’t care if someone else posted this already. It’s awesome enough to post repeatedly ;)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_C4KTZXBEUW4ZEQO33BVMP5CCKE Rauna

    I doubt you’ll ever read this, but in case you do-and no one else has said this already-I think I have an answer as to why this series is so unpleasantly popular.

    The series is absolutely *horribly* written by a woman who makes an author avatar-Bella Swan.  Bella looks almost much like the author, Stephanie Meyer, and yet is hardly ever described physically.  At LEAST Edward and Bella are forms of Mary Sue/Gary Stu(overly perfect or unrealistic characters(every world has to have rules to it), usually who are justified in what they do in everything and loved by all, but actually such awful people/flawed(even if excused by the writer) that they’re hated by readers), if not everyone.  Bella is described as plain or bad in most everything, but then gets her way in everything and is adored by all, and is supposedly extremely intelligent/deep(though the author did poorly at actually portraying this). 

    I could go on, but I’ll get on focus.  The author wrote this, basically, as her dream high school romance and later life-and isn’t all that great of a writer herself, to say the least.  Thus why *some*, like yourself, hate it with a passion.  However, she managed to write it in such a way where not only she could place herself as the character Bella, and therefore dream of being this “awesome” character in this supposedly great, deep, and intense romance(s) and have this supposedly great life, but so could other girls who could ignore any standards for writing and put themselves as Bella.  It’s basically that the book promises sex and the chance to be in an “awesome” life in the reader’s imagination, by replacing themselves in Bella’s position, which is pretty easy since she’s described little-that’s all there is to it, really.  A poorly veiled sex/life fantasy.  And I’ve had plenty of friends, smart friends, like it for that reason.  They’d deny it if I said so, but then they obsess over how hot the men are and how dreamy and romantic everything is(including things that I find as horrible values dissonance.)

    TV Tropes explains Mary Sues/Gary Stus better than I do, for anyone who has the time/interest to read into it: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_C4KTZXBEUW4ZEQO33BVMP5CCKE Rauna

    I doubt you’ll ever read this, but in case you do-and no one else has said this already-I think I have an answer as to why this series is so unpleasantly popular.

    The series is absolutely *horribly* written by a woman who makes an author avatar-Bella Swan.  Bella looks almost much like the author, Stephanie Meyer, and yet is hardly ever described physically.  At LEAST Edward and Bella are forms of Mary Sue/Gary Stu(overly perfect or unrealistic characters(every world has to have rules to it), usually who are justified in what they do in everything and loved by all, but actually such awful people/flawed(even if excused by the writer) that they’re hated by readers), if not everyone.  Bella is described as plain or bad in most everything, but then gets her way in everything and is adored by all, and is supposedly extremely intelligent/deep(though the author did poorly at actually portraying this). 

    I could go on, but I’ll get on focus.  The author wrote this, basically, as her dream high school romance and later life-and isn’t all that great of a writer herself, to say the least.  Thus why *some*, like yourself, hate it with a passion.  However, she managed to write it in such a way where not only she could place herself as the character Bella, and therefore dream of being this “awesome” character in this supposedly great, deep, and intense romance(s) and have this supposedly great life, but so could other girls who could ignore any standards for writing and put themselves as Bella.  It’s basically that the book promises sex and the chance to be in an “awesome” life in the reader’s imagination, by replacing themselves in Bella’s position, which is pretty easy since she’s described little-that’s all there is to it, really.  A poorly veiled sex/life fantasy.  And I’ve had plenty of friends, smart friends, like it for that reason.  They’d deny it if I said so, but then they obsess over how hot the men are and how dreamy and romantic everything is(including things that I find as horrible values dissonance.)

    TV Tropes explains Mary Sues/Gary Stus better than I do, for anyone who has the time/interest to read into it: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000313140897 Kira Alvis

    In the stories it’s never really explained that how they love each other. They just do. I think Bella and Jacob would actually be love. He seems like he truly loves her. But she chooses the person that doesn’t really seems like he likes her. Edward.

    I can’t wait for your Breaking Dawn review. Your going to absolutely hate it. Bella gets the DUMBEST POWER EVER IN BOOK HISTORY. I’m not going to ruin it for you, but it is so dumb that . . . I can’t describe how stupid it is.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000313140897 Kira Alvis

    When you were doing that bit with Edward telling Bella it’s dangerous to be a vampire, you were a better actor than Patterson.

    • Apex Pinicle

      Do you mean Manure Golem??

  • Kelsey Kerrigan

    “You’re tearing me apart Bella!”

  • Anonymous

    Retarded people watch retarded movies. Except Spoony, he watches retarded movies because it’s funny.

    • Apex Pinicle

      Yeah i wish i could pay the bills by ranting on watching these movies (im sure id go insane, but id be so willing)

  • Cire1129

    Vampires suck. watch it its hilarious it actually makes fun of all the stuff you said was stupid 

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

      Oh, there *are* good movies about vampires, or with vampires in them. They range from dark and twisted to funny. But Twilight isn’t one of them… it’s merely bland.

      • Apex Pinicle

        bland…. thats almost a compliment. as bland needs to have some kinda substance at least surely?

  • Cire1129

    Vampires suck. watch it its hilarious it actually makes fun of all the stuff you said was stupid 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Famicom-Wars/100001046150018 Famicom Wars

    I love your long drones on twilight lol
    I’ve got a good antagonist THE FLOOR
    also avatar the last air bender is not japanese anime it is an american cartoon

    • Wolf Coder

      No, “Anime” is the Japanese word for animation.. If you can even call it a Japanese word. They borrowed the word from English and made it easier for them to say. It’s all animation, just because something is made in Japan doesn’t make it any special.

    • Wolf Coder

      No, “Anime” is the Japanese word for animation.. If you can even call it a Japanese word. They borrowed the word from English and made it easier for them to say. It’s all animation, just because something is made in Japan doesn’t make it any special.

    • Wolf Coder

      No, “Anime” is the Japanese word for animation.. If you can even call it a Japanese word. They borrowed the word from English and made it easier for them to say. It’s all animation, just because something is made in Japan doesn’t make it any special.

      • http://profiles.google.com/samanthatemple113 Samantha Temple

        No, Anime is the term for animation made in Japan, in every country except Japan. So unless you are Japanese, Anime only refers to Japanese animation. You wouldn’t call Pixar or Disney works anime even in Japan. So, the american made cartoon is not anime. It has a similar style, but its not the same.

  • Anonymous

    I believe that the Twilight films are a good example that a movie targeted towards women can be just as well primitive as a guy’s movie.
     
    I think of them as some female correspondent to Transformers:
     
    In Transformers you get robots fighting, then Megan Fox in slow motion, and then more robots.
     
    And in Twilight you get basically the same only translated for girls: A schmaltzy scene with Bella and Edward, then shirtless guys, and then more slushy conversation.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MCK6CIYZ2C55FES3NW4BAOTG4E Christina

      The girl/vampire/werewolf love triangle isn’t even new, it’s like they filmed the “Anita Blake: Vampire Executioner” novels, only with less kinky sex and with a female protagonist who is 20 years younger than Anita Blake and who doesn’t kick ass but mopes and whines a lot instead.

    • Apex Pinicle

      Yeah from a guy perspective… i Hate the Transformers Movies (like as much as Spoony does) The 80s animated series has more dignity.  and the current 2012′s series from what ive seen  is better story telling….  yet again Micheal Bay said from start He Hates Transformers (seriously why didnt they get a Sci-fi director?) The Core Concept has such potential (i dont think from what i hear anyone really explored it except in segements 

  • Anonymous

    Is anyone stunned that the next part of this “SAGUH” is in TWO PARTS?  How much story needs to be spat out that it will take 2 movies?  Harry Potter I can understand cause of how much story there is, Kill Bill because the kind of movie it was isn’ 4 or 5 hours long.  TWILIGHT is about a selfish cow who mopes around over her pale boyfriend and some wolf guy.

    • Apex Pinicle

      well the fans will watch it  so be glad  it wasnt split into 10 parts…. so they could keep selling tickets

  • darklink8

    My dad–MY DAD actually liked this movie. I’ll be asking for his man card shortly…

    • Apex Pinicle

      wow… my condolences… i know my dad would never enjoy the twighlights, mincing teenagers would stick in his craw in minutes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dazz-Boam/100000159114833 Dazz Boam

    Stupider monsters? THE GRASS!

    • Apex Pinicle

      Aww come on The Grass! was epic (thanks to spoony)…. and does not pretend to me something more.  (I genuinely think spoony gave more pathos to The Grass… that Twighlight did to anyone in that saga.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dazz-Boam/100000159114833 Dazz Boam

    Stupider monsters? THE GRASS!

  • Sevastian Volkov

    I suppose I could understand if initial fascination with Edward got Bella closer to him so she could at least figure out what this asshole’s problem is. Then when he makes a commitment to not killing her he lets down his guard, stops being a douchebag, and starts doing things like talking to her and having a personality so they fall for one another, but he just kind of doesn’t. I remember reading it and I thinking, “Okay, I can buy it so far. The lines of communication are open, so they’re going to talk and do stuff together and then romance.” Then like four sentences later Bella says to herself that she loves him. I was like – uh, what? Did I miss something? I was seriously flipping back through the pages and reading everything more carefully this time. It didn’t help.

  • squall_leonheart

    Wow…
    How can you not know what is this romance all about? The best way to
    answer this is ask a correct question. Not what are the motivations of
    characters but what is the target audience… You want to leave them
    bland so an average fangirl can identify with Bella and fill out the
    void with her own characteristics. As for why exactly does Edward appeal
    to so many? Simple women attraction decomposition. Women crave for man
    with power/money. He is from a rich family he has superhuman powers
    there you go the most important prerequisite filled to brim. He is hawt
    when he is shirtless there you go second most important thing. He has
    novelity about him i mean wow he is a fucking vampire! Last but not
    least he is hard to obtain and people are like this that they crave for
    what is hard to get. Btw every female teen’s dream is to have a guy like
    this plus a good friend that does everything for her while she can
    delude herself that it is all pure friendship. There is jacob in one
    simple sentence.

    Long story short twilight is the basics of stupid female psychology. By
    trying to interpret it in any sophisticated manner like spoony does you
    miss the point. The only depth there ever was in this story is the one
    that girls create to make themselves feel better about being shallow.

  • Anonymous

    So, regret looking forward to Breaking Dawn?

  • Anonymous

    It’s really a very simple thing, I think, what Twilight is. It’s like what sane people would call “guilty pleasures” except for people who have nothing BUT guilty pleasures so they don’t even realize they should feel guilty about it. Also, I think it is directed to a specific kind of female audience: 
    Bella is sort of a loner and she supposedly likes reading a lot (although apparently it doesn’t come up in the movies… not that she really shows it in the books either from what I’ve heard, but it’s SAID in the narrative that she likes reading). And she feels out of place. 

    I think she appeals to the girls who aren’t/weren’t popular at school and try to pretend that they never wanted to be popular but who really really want to be popular. Also, girls who like to think of themselves as “smart” even though they aren’t smart enough to realize what kind of bullshit Twilight is. The ones who are sort of not /quite/ dumb but not really smart either. Who are very shallow but like to think of themselves as not being shallow. 

    So, basically, all the painfully average girls. The ones who aren’t popular but not really nerdy either and would probably like to be goths if they didn’t need to conform so badly. So it’s a really wide demographic, because in the end, most people ARE average.

    Things like My Immortal and the slightly better-written versions of it are the same thing for goth/emo girls. It’s basically the same thing, only it goes a bit further in making the main character stand out and probably adding more angst and “dark” subject matters by making her an orphan or sexually abused or a drug user. It’s still just as shallow and stupid but it panders to a slightly more specific crowd.

    You can really find this type of fiction for pretty much every group there is. Well, those who actually like fiction, that is. So what would the male equivalent be depends on which kind of males we’re talking about. To give a generic example… I think it could be something like James Bond. You know, a guy who kicks every bad guys’ asses, has all the respect from the other good guys and always gets the girls. That’s really the most blatant version, I think. You could add another aspect by making him a “normal” guy, with “flaws”, who still just happens to be able to beat all the bad guys and to get all the girls.

  • Anonymous

    Eh, Last Airbender (the cartoon) tends to be less Anime-like than most similar shows.  I mean, yeah, there is a lot of martial arts stuff, but the world is pretty well developed and there is more social realism and character development.  It isn’t mindless power and combat like Dragonball Z or Bleach.  It isn’t really an anime in the normal sense either (First of all, it’s American, and secondly it is very Chinese in culture (there is a significant difference).  The writers really, really did a lot of work to bring the culture across effectively).  I definitely recommend watching it, at least through book 2 if not all three books, even if you don’t really like anime.

    • Apex Pinicle

      I really enjoyed it I would say watch all 3,  season 1 probably the weakest but it helps show the gradual escalation as the show is a lot more aware of pacing than most shows (animated or otherwise)  (im watchin Korra now, which is shaping up to be a good sucessor, actually different enough to warrent exsiting)

  • Anonymous

    Eh, Last Airbender (the cartoon) tends to be less Anime-like than most
    similar shows.  I mean, yeah, there is a lot of martial arts stuff, but
    the world is pretty well developed and there is more social realism and
    character development.  It isn’t mindless power and combat like
    Dragonball Z or Bleach.  It isn’t really an anime in the normal sense
    either (First of all, it’s American, and secondly it is very Chinese in
    culture (there is a significant difference).  The writers really, really
    did a lot of work to bring the culture across effectively).  I definitely recommend watching it, at least through book 2 if not all three books, even if you don’t really like anime.

    • Anonymous

      I’d be careful saying that. Not that what you’re saying isn’t correct, but I’d just be careful with the wording. The majority of anime isn’t shonen and once you get to stuff that is aimed at an older audience, you will get a lot of social realism and depth, genre depending. And although I don’t have many good things to say about Bleach once they got to the Heuco Mundo arc (beyond which I stopped reading because it got so ridiculous and boring), I will say that Dragonball did have a lot of character development across the 3 series, and the combat in it was really some of the best you are going to get in any animated series of its kind. The Last Airbender is very interesting though. You certainly don’t get American-made shows like it nowadays – The last time you got anything with that much involved character investment was with something like Batman the animated series, back in the 80′s.    

  • michael fagan

    wait manipulating two hapless women, light yagami?

    • phoenixrider100

      But Light Yagami’s mainpulation of the two women was never depicted as true love. It was depicted as you would expect from a character like Light Yagami who mainpulates everyone around him: a evil, soulless act of using another as a tool to be used when useful and desposed of when not. Light was a sociopath after all.

      • Anonymous

        There’s also the fact that the two women in this case were both amoral in their own ways. One of them was a social-climbing queen bee, and the other one was a yandere stalker whose idea of love is killing other people for the person she loves. They are in no way fussed that Light was a hypocritical mass-murderer. The only thing that they might have cared about was the fact that the only person in the entire series that he had a vested interest and relationship with was L. There is a very good reason why there is so much slash fic about the two… I mean, I was almost expecting them to start just screwing in canon there was so much ubiquitous sexual tension between them. Seriously, it was so ridiculous that it got to the point (before the end of the first arc and Near came in) where I just started thinking “would this plot just be resolved if we got them a room?” 

    • Arsenal Of Megadeath

      dude, that was wrong. comparing Light to anything Twilight…Blasphamy!!!

    • Apex Pinicle

      wasnt yagami a villian though?  also japanese literature is the lengths you had to go to fine a comperable  familiar? Hasnt japan plumbed every negative imagined in fiction? (not that im knocking japan i love the place)

  • Anonymous

    Perhaps that is why they are True Love… because they are so devoted to each other despite their complete and utter lack of mutual interests.

  • Pedro Gonzalez Sagaidak

    One thing they mutually like? I’m going to have to break your “No reference to the novels” thing here, seeing as I haven’t watched the films (Subjecting myself to the horror of the books was enough, thank you), but it does seem like they both like cars. If I remember right, Bella spent a while obsessing about how awesome Edward’s car is in the first one, and Edward is constantly buying awesome cars. So there’s one thing in common, however stupid it is.

    • http://twitter.com/kirana44 C. L. Johnson

      Having read all the novels (unfortunately – I had to fight and claw my way through New Moon and Breaking Dawn, they were both so fucking boring and stupid), I can add another one (kind of? I think this was in the first movie too) – classical music. They’re sitting in Edward’s car, and she correctly names the composer of the song they’re listening to, because she listens to that kind of stuff all the time (apparently – not that we see her listening to classical music at any other point in any of the other books). She also apparently likes reading (not that we ever see her DO this), her favourite colour changes depending on her mood…in fact, there’s an entire chapter in the first book where she describes how he questioned her on all of her hobbies and interests, and she tells the audience what she told him, but throughout the entire series we NEVER get to see her do ANY of the things she says she likes doing. None whatsoever. It’s a huge example of “show, don’t tell” done in reverse – she tells us loads of stuff and then doesn’t back any of it up. I fucking hate these books.

    • Justin Mansour

      So the vapid whore with no semblance of intellect is attracted to the rich douchebag with money to burn? Wow, this has suddenly become a realistic relationship!

    • http://twitter.com/kirana44 C. L. Johnson

      Having read all the novels (unfortunately – I had to fight and claw my way through New Moon and Breaking Dawn, they were both so fucking boring and stupid), I can add another one (kind of? I think this was in the first movie too) – classical music. They’re sitting in Edward’s car, and she correctly names the composer of the song they’re listening to, because she listens to that kind of stuff all the time (apparently – not that we see her listening to classical music at any other point in any of the other books). She also apparently likes reading (not that we ever see her DO this), her favourite colour changes depending on her mood…in fact, there’s an entire chapter in the first book where she describes how he questioned her on all of her hobbies and interests, and she tells the audience what she told him, but throughout the entire series we NEVER get to see her do ANY of the things she says she likes doing. None whatsoever. It’s a huge example of “show, don’t tell” done in reverse – she tells us loads of stuff and then doesn’t back any of it up. I fucking hate these books.

  • phoenixrider100

    Might i just say all your points on the battle at the end is so right. Get a freaking katana in there to slice people up. Get some bombs in the ground. or just oil the field, lure the newborns (doesnt the existance of newborns make the Voltori pointless if the elder vampires dont have the power to defend against younger vampires?) there and set it allight from above. No casualties at all from that.

    • Apex Pinicle

      hay can vampires become priests? or befriend or trick a preist….. you cold get holy water or blessed bullets (silver too or what ever) and get some firearms.

  • Anonymous

    Spoony, you mentioned tactics… this is Stephanie Meyer. The woman can’t write decent syntax. You were expecting common sense?

    Seriously, I don’t understand this phenomenom either. This isn’t even like the Justin Beiber thing. This is just… Meyer has destroyed the vampire sub-genre. Permanently. It’ll never recover. She is a silly ignorant woman with negative levels of writing talent and intellect and she has done this. It is astonishing. Truly amazing.

    As a female writer I feel deep, deep shame. Anne Rice is a guilty pleasure. This is bullshit.

    • Apex Pinicle

      Don’t forget dragging down, the whole romance genre, all teen targeted books, and the warewolf genre…. OH and the movies dont forget the fallout that must cause.

      Yeah i noticed her poor writing skills, and i have no trainning GCSE english and i though my writing was shakey (i just ignore that A-) plus im 10 years rusty, but i tentatively think i could write as compentantly if not more so form a technical stand point….. Thats a truelly terrifying realisation (especially since i have, urm Health issues)… Did she have contacts or just luck, as she an example anyone should try to get published.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1271696023 Adrian Burt

    Bella wants to be a vampire because she doesn’t trust that Edward will love her once she’s old and haggard, which is probably true because their relationship is purely physical despite everything the books and movies tell us. However I just realized that there’s a movie out there that tells us the same story, in less time, with a more positive, more loving and devoted couple. It’s Highlander. Connor and Heather have the exact same situation, only this time there’s no way Heather can become an Immortal like Connor. And what happens? They love each other so much that Heather stays by Connor her whole life, literally only parting with him on her death bed, and Connor stays devoted to her for 500 years, only finding another love after he’s gained the Prize and can live and normal mortal life (except with the whole infinite power and knowledge thing.) In short, girls if you like Twilight, you’ll love Highlander.

  • KaylaMS

    That documentary sounds really interesting. You should go for it, dude. They key would be to find six fans and six non-fans that are willing to have an actual disscussion without shouting nonsense at each other. And I think part of the answer to this phenomenon is the fact that a huge portion of the Twilight fanbase is sixteen and younger; they don’t understand what an actual healthy relationship looks like, so they easily buy into the “romance”. It’s the moms that are as obsessive as their daughters that I find so baffling.

    • Apex Pinicle

      yeah i have notice that ther is no age boundry… or intellegence… i known people i thought smart, yet twighlight… infact i know (by proxy) more women/girls who liked twighlight than didn’t including those who have never read it or seen films. (I have had chucks of em read to me by a fan & with every paragraph I was jarred by the emptiness i was trying to give it the benifit but from a technical stand point my zero trainning found the writing alone weak, before the various stupidty characters plot etc. drag down the thread bare books) 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1303424724 Nataly Mitrovic

    The only thing Bella and Edward have in common is that they’re both idiots.

  • http://profiles.google.com/likalaruku Allaiyah Weyn

    I just saw The Happening; It wasn’t bad. Watched it back-to-back with The Crazies; they’re similar in plot.

    The bad guy was plant neurotoxins, not wind.

    Avatar is Amerime, not anime.

  • Gregory Bronson

    Actually, Ray Bradbury wrote a short story–I think actually called “The Wind”–in which he makes the wind freakin’ terrifying, because it’s intelligent, messes with people’s heads, and there’s this creepy supernatural aspect to it. So yeah, a good writer can make anything scary. Shyamalan is not a good writer.

  • http://twitter.com/JBridger1313 J. Bridger

    I know it’s so late to the party (although I saw this back when this first came out and loved it), but I have to ask, now that we know the culture can get worse now that Twilight BDSM fan fiction has literally become a 10 million copy book best seller, what is your thought on that. I think we all thought it was bad when Twilight was an obsession but the fact it’s powerful enough to spawn even worse prose is truly terrifying!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lukas-Sauerwein/100003819565044 Lukas Sauerwein

    I have a great idea for a movievillain
    BEHOLD:
    a NERF dart

  • Joe Mamma

    Edward and Bella both like playing baseball in thunderstorms.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-MedievalMassacre-DAmbrosio/792560269 John MedievalMassacre D’Ambros

    Honestly, I’m the middle ground. I think Twilight is “meh”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gmanswan Gannett Swan

    I believe that Twilight vampires are actually alien space marines. Why else would they have skin that only refracts under high intensity light? Laser Armor. No need to breathe? Who needs a space suit! Unstoppable bloodlust in younger ones? Who needs combat training! Expanded thought capacity in the older ones? No need to train generals either!

    But obviously you dont want them rebelling, so you put in mental compulsions, like the desperate need for human blood. Hard to be a good guy if you’re killing people for a bite to eat all the time. One of these compulsions has to be the desire to find a mate. The stability of a mate means that they’re more likely to survive and become generals, and if their mate gets taken out they’ll fight without any caution. So essentially Eddie had no real choice in the matter. As for bella…perhaps it has something to do with her blocking power? She keeps his telepathy out, but accidentally lets in his love programming instead? That would explain why she seemed to fall in love with him the same moment he first tried to read her mind. Or maybe she’s just an idiot. Meh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/selvir.katich Selvir Katich

    I think this might answer some of your questions in the end of your video review: I’m a student of social sciences and this makes a lot of sense, although they do not answer all questions.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-A8GvUehq4&feature=feedu

    The whole Twilight bullshit is something called “erotical illusion”. Men have them too, of course. BUT: No one ever would try to turn erotical illusions for men into a “EPIC SAGA”. That is the whole point of Twilight, praising the point that in this stupid porn with stupid characters is “more”. It tries to be a epic saga with a story that needs to be told.

    Watch the video I linked, it pretty much explains the function of our brain and the effects of illusions. Mostly showing that Shemale porn is a erotical illusion for men. Most men, of course not all, according to this study, tend to search for three things in porn: Tits, ass and penis. Thus the erotical illusion is a shemale -> the reason why the 4chan Alternative Hentai thread is full of shemale porn

    Twilight on the other side is a erotical illusion too: It starts with the optics. Edward is over 100 years old, has a lot of “experience” but he looks like 16 -> that is illusion. The erotical part is(at least for the fans), that he is so old, so expierenced, but he wants only that one girl -> Bella.

    If you watch the analysis of these scientists it actually makes sense, it explains why this crap is so popular. But what the fans don’t get is, that they are watching just female porn. And if they just would say it is porn, it wouldn’t bother me. But they insist that this porn is an epic saga.

    So hope you enjoy the video. Greetings from Austria, keep up the good work^^.

  • Mavros St. John

    “Jacob comes off of as a rapist” and yet, he marries their daughter…

  • MichaelT

    I have a way better villain than the wind: sunlight!
    Try outrunning that, motherfuckers!

  • http://www.facebook.com/yuri.wainwright Yuri Wainwright

    Spoony, I’d be glad to deconstruct any movie any time. I’m well versed in critical theory, philosophy and literary criticism. And I’d do it for free.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Sefirosu200x Sam Yates

    I agree with all points except that I really do think that just no one understands her and they are being closed-minded. Other than that, all your points are valid to me. There is no reason they can’t have sex (like you said, riding cowgirl which is the only way to go in the first place IMHO), same as there is no reason Superman and Lois can’t have sex. They don’t have to come up with crazy excuses like a “red sun radiation pendant” for Superman and Lois, nor do they have to keep putting it off in Twilight.

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